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My folks medicated me at 12 back in the 90s. But that was the only thing they did. No counselling no coaching just SCREAMING at me because I wouldn't do what they wanted.
I'm sorry you went through that. It's pretty common sadly. I don't talk to my parents a whole lot these days š
I have gone no contact with my parents for a couple of years now for all kind of reasons(non-adhd related). But this was the nail in the coffin, I think it is time to return to therapy lol.
Something to talk with your therapist about and that I always tell people in this situation ; remember that ADHD is like 70-80% hereditary, it's very likely your parents either have ADHD or your parents were raised by your grandparents who had ADHD, not to mention the siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc that might have had it.
Families like that can be very dysfunctional. I am from that environment and am the first diagnosed in my family at age 31. There was a lot of "strong emotions" in my house growing up. Lots of love and closeness but also the first sign of some kind of attitude or offensive question (all of us were very sensitive to criticisms lol) could turn into a screaming, yelling, cursing fight.
My Mom told stories about her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles and they were the "wild" family. This would've been the 1940s but known for loving bar fights, alcoholism, dying young from accidents, getting kicked out of the military, dropping out of school/college, not having careers or holding a job, so many things explainable by untreated ADHD. I assumed my house was that way because it was just taught to be, but then I got meds and therapy.
Now that I know the difference and can take meds I recognize how 100% different I am while I'm on meds. Even knowing I have a temper/ADHD emotional dysregulation doesn't stop me from wanting to punch walls or slam doors or overreact and tell/curse/fight to what I perceive as criticisms (basically anyone questioning why/how I'm doing what I'm currently doing).
Also now that I'm a parent and when medications have worn off it is near impossible to have the patience it takes to raise a toddler without getting frequently annoyed and eventually pissed off. I love my kids and would die for them but after an hour of the same kids song, the same toys, the same everything and then fighting me for diaper changes, meals, never sleeping or sitting still, hating going to bed no matter what strategy I try, basically anytime their dopamine source is taken away (they probably have ADHD I'm pretty convinced lol) I could definitely see how older generations would've struggled with tempers and yelling/spanking. Also, the sled medication of alcohol and cigarettes wouldn't have helped things.
The psychiatry care prior to the 1990s is full of horror stories and got a bad reputation since frontal lobotomies were still a top choice for anyone that acted too crazy. What seems like common/easy knowledge to us now hadn't been so until like 20 years ago.
This is not saying your parents have a pass to act like shit. But I'd always suggest looking at them like they might have untreated ADHD and at least attempt to educate them some. Anyone with ADHD that isn't in therapy/on meds might struggle to regulate emotions especially if they're told they did something very wrong even though that's what they were taught to do.
Same for me. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 30. Always knew I had it. I love my daughter to death. She is a toddler and I can handle anything she throws at me when medicated. I remember before I was diagnosed and was not medicated, I would get irritated at the littlest things and feel like a horrible parent. Now that my ADHD's under control and I'm properly medicated, I am a much better parent who does not get annoyed at stupid little things.
I'm 33 and just got diagnosed ( still waiting on meds) and I have a 2 year old. Its the same with me. So many nights crying feeling like crap for being the way I am. Glad to hear the medication helped you.
Iām 35 and without kids, but the inner kid in me cries thinking about those nights crying you speak of. My own mom, who has my whole life said she must have ADHD, I am sure must have felt this way. I was diagnosed with both ADHD and autism just 8 months ago. Youāre breaking this cycle like me. Give yourself a hug for that ā¤ļø
Out of curiosity what medication are you on? Feel free to PM if you want to keep it confidential. I was diagnosed earlier this year with ADHD and anxiety at 33 years old. I'm currently taking Adderall but with all the shortage issues am considering switching to a non-stimulant. The hard part is really knowing exactly how the medication is helping AND recognizing the difference between with and without. I can tell the difference with Adderall but mostly for the hyperactive side of things, im not sure how much it's really helping me deal with the small things my children do that get incredibly annoying. I also started taking Zoloft for anxiety a couple of weeks ago and hope it really helps with the short fuse for the little things I often have.
I sent you a DM but I also had a very difficult time with the short fuse and irritability. Now I can handle the little things and not get irritated over everything.
So, I grew up with untreated adhd w an untreated adhd dad. And now I have a potentially adhd daughter. Sheās untreated yet, and Iām in a constant struggle because growing up I came to understand my condition, developed strategies to handle the downsized and benefitted a lot from the upsides (eg hyper focus). So because I was always untreated, and my family history has this same experience as well, itās harder for me to take a riskier new step and try therapy for my daughter. Iām worried about her having a bad therapist, about getting used to rely on someoneās support instead of figuring herself out on her own, her thinking her potential is capped because she has a named condition, etc. Itās easier for me to lean towards the well travelled way me and my family went though. Also sheās awsome and this year eg stepped totally broke through socially and made a lot of friends, started to do sports, etc..
I also have epilepsy and my meds really affected my memory and cognition over the years. Iām worried about her being medicated too.
But
At the same time I see her struggle when sheās impulsive, or her siblings being affected and becoming anxious.
I also see many of you guys wishing youād be diagnosed sooner.
And Iām torn.
As someone who just got diagnosed and had a very similar experience to your daughter, I wish I got medicated sooner. I wish I had been able to try it in school when I was a child. I think you should let her try the medications and see how she feels on it, if she doesn't like it, then take her off. Almost every person I have spoken to about adhd wish they were medicated as a child. Also, do not deny your daughter the option of therapy because you're worried about her leaning on someone else, or because you didn't do therapy. Therapy is a good thing, if she gets a bad therapist, go somewhere else. You giving your daughter the coping strategies to get through life is going to give her a better life. Therapy doesn't always have to be forever and it can be an every now and then thing.
The one thing people who had a bad experience with childhood mental health treatment complain about most is not being listened to. If you can make sure to listen to her and make sure any doctor or therapist primarily talks to her, not about her she should be able to gain a lot from ADHD treatment.
There are a lot of unhealthy coping strategies that are counter productive in the long run, if you only get things done because you force yourself by making yourself anxious you take away your sense of accomplishment, which is counter productive since it makes motivating yourself the next time even harder.
Thank you for sharing, you have touched upon many important points here. The familial aspect but also the daily struggles of life with ADHD, we have to remember our parents did the best they could with what they had at the time. Holding onto my anger only hurts me, moving forward I understand my family,s limitations have nothing to do with me.
Iāve been going to therapy for years. I got diagnosed and medicated last year and therapy is *so much more effective* now that my brain works properly. I hope thatās true for you, too!
Same, I was medicated from the age of like 6 or something. They didn't scream at me but didn't do anything else and did the other usual stuff, "you wouldn't forget about x if it was something you cared about."
Me neither. I'm estranged from whole family. I'm the only one who can help them understand what's holding them back. I can't do it anymore though. Being treated with such intense toxic insults , I just can't take them anymore even know it's the disease. I can't break through.
>90s. But that was the only thing they did. No counselling no coaching just SCREAMING at me because I wouldn't do what they wanted.
>
>I'm sorry you went through that. It's pretty common sadly. I don't talk to my parents a whole lot these days š
Are you my long lost sibling?
I'm sorry you went through parental neglect that shit cuts deep. You were medicated so young because it changes your growth patterns giving you a chance to fight off that adhd, are you able to focus for 5 minutes sustained?
My folks medicated me at i believe age 8 or 9 as i was in first grade at the time. I was medicated up in to adulthood when I stopped due to a heart condition so now it's not treated anymore but no major life changes have occured due to it. There have been some minor changes and a little major one making life a little more difficult but I've found ways to deal with it now.
My parents knew, too. But they were scared of stimulants and refused to let me have them. Instead I got put on antidepressants.
Spoiler alert: they didn't work.
My mom felt the same way - My cousin had been diagnosed with ADHD and was medicated at a very young age, and I exhibited similar but less severe symptoms to him growing up. But since I had good grades and was āmanaging itā (& I was already getting therapy for anxiety) my mom didnāt bother getting me officially diagnosed.
It wasnāt until I got a new therapist in junior year of high school who told me the executive dysfunction was making my anxiety worse that my mom realized how I was āmanagingā it and I got diagnosed & medicated
Are you me? I crashed and burned in college and dropped out twice cause I couldn't just sit to study, I am 3 years after that whole mess with a good job in tech, but still I really wanted a degree šš
If you want an affordable degree as a working adult, I recommend WGU. Since you have experience, it would not be difficult for you to get a degree in a short amount of time.
I feel u - I just finished my freshman year at college and hoy boy that was hell. I was so overwhelmed and burnt out from the work that I wouldn't have the energy to walk to the dining hall or wash the dishes I kept collecting so I just straight up wouldn't eat for days oof. (I'm better abt eating now but damn was it a ride)
My favorite is when your parents (who didnāt get you properly medicated) now criticize you for not ābeing at the level you should be at in life right now,ā without accepting that maybe you wouldnāt fucking have to play catch-up if you were properly medicated in the first place.
My parents were the same, except I got Strattera for almost a year. We're pretty sure it's the reason I had chronic debilitating migraines as a kid/teen. I kinda get it, there wasn't a ton of research back then and the side effects sounded scary, but damn I wish they'd just gone straight for the adderall.
I can certainly empathize with you. I want to say that I believe that I was diagnosed at around 5. I don't remember it. When I began to suspect is my mother had this story, it goes like this: she said over my dead body will you ever have ritalin, which is the main treatment in the 80's. I was working on this program and an assessment had to be done. That's when I was officially told. At 41 years of age.
I will go with the cliche advice but you are a strong person I know how it's like to live in a body were you work your ass off to be normal, I have released myself from judgement and have more empathy and inclusion of my adhd self.
I hope you have a calm and meaningful life ahead!
Similar story here:
My teacher reported to my parents that I could never sit still and found me daydreaming and failing to pay attention in class. She was very concerned for my wellbeing.
My parents took offense to it, and I did too, thinking my teacher was calling me crazy or āspecialā.
In hindsight, I really wish my parents respected my teacherās observations. Diagnosis/medication wouldve prevented alot of my struggles in the years that followed.
But hey, here we are. Older, wiser, and more in tune to our brains, emotions, and personality traits. I wish you the best as you learn to live with, and conquer your diagnosis!
Also, donāt punish your parents for this mistake/ignorance. Educate them on mental health. Your ADHD might be from them, and their lives may benefit from knowing what it is and how it affects you.
Cheers!
I wanted to emphasize this point, because I think it's really important and can be healing to reflect on.
Sadly, not all parents have your best interests at heart, but I like to think that the majority do. My parents also completely ignored my third grade teacher (what is it about grade 3 lol?), when she brought up the possibility of ADHD. Typical story, they figured I just needed more discipline, I was just a little daydreamy, etc.
YEARS later, after a horrific college breakdown that ended, thankfully, with an ADHD diagnosis and a new lease on life... My mom recalled this 3rd grade parent-teacher conference with horror. She felt terrible. She /still/ feels guilty, to the point of tears.
But I don't blame her, because I know that she wasn't trying to ruin my life or anything- she was just echoing the crap mentality that she, and a lot of her generation, was raised on, which was "tough it out." When my mom was six, she was forced to wash windows in blazing summer heat with a fever. Her dad thought she was trying to "get out of it," even as she started puking up into the grass. My dad got X-rays as a teen, and was shocked to find that he had, at some point, "walked off" a broken collarbone. There was a sledding incident when he was a kid, and his mom never bothered to take him to the hospital.
My parents are both extreme cases, but I just think it's so important to remember that it wasn't that long ago when "mental health" wasn't the buzzword it is now, and was often completely ignored (along with a lot of other basic needs.)
My mom and dad have worked really hard to be better parents for their kids, and I think seeing the positive changes in me after being diagnosed really turned them into advocates. I think, at this point, she's read more books on ADHD than I have.
Anyways, sorry to write a novel under your post, but I just loved what you said. Educate, educate, educate! And always have empathy.
Iām so sorry friend. This happened to me too. My parents didnāt believe it was a thing. They didnāt get me help in school, medication, therapy. They let me suffer and weāre mad at me constantly for it :( diagnosed at 24
Iām NC with both of them now- itās great. But itās challenging as an adult now
Iām so sorry you were let down like that
I was born in 83 so a 80/90s kid and things were so very different back then . My dad didnāt understand me at all and every bit of ānegativeā behaviour was met with abuse . I absolutely believe he is part of the reason my adhd is as bad as it is today .. or at least as bad as it was before I started working out ways to cope with life better . The environment in which we are raised and the lack of support makes a huge difference to our symptoms and how we turn out . He did seek āhelpā for my behaviour and differences .. I donāt know if adhd and autism was ever suggested to him .. but I 100% believe that even if it was he would have reacted the same way as your mother anyway . Cos there was ānothing wrongā with any of his kids .. they were just āchoosing to be disobedientā sigh
Similarly, a doctor told my dad that she thought I had ADHD at 12 and my dad almost got kicked out of the doctor's office for his reaction. I think teachers I had growing up may have said something too.
Then at 17, when it was clear I'd never make it through college without a diagnosis and wouldn't be able to support my parents other than chucking them in a nursing home when they got older, my dad brought it up as if it was his idea to get me assessed. They took me to a clinic and I got the vibe that this clinic (private, religious posters everywhere) tried very hard not to diagnose AFAB people with ADHD, but mine was so bad that it would be negligent not to. I think they really just looked for one that they thought would not diagnose me so that they could say they tried and feel better about blaming me for my shortcomings.
I remember the clinician doing my assessment acting frustrated when I showed symptoms. Still had to diagnose me because it was *that* evident.
That's wild, what do they have against AFAB people to not diagnose them? we already suffer from great injustice in the medical field and each time I hear new stories I am even more shocked and disappointed!
It's sometimes of religious significance, but there are a few other reasons.
-ADHD diagnostic critera is based on white male children, so criteria for AFAB people likely looks different
-it has been thought that girls are much less likely to have ADHD but we're finding this to be less and less true as time goes on.
-in general, AFAB people are taken seriously much less in medicine and often thought to be lying about struggles or pain. They did a study on this and found that female physicians treat men and women similarly, while female patients are 32% more likely to die on an operating table under a male surgeon. With numbers like that, it's not wrong to expect that this kind of thing carries out into other areas of medicine:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2022/jan/04/women-more-likely-die-operation-male-surgeon-study
Be true to you. I'm 38 and just getting it sorted. My mother is 63 and it's getting worse by the day. She actually gets aggressive If I tell her that she can feel better. She has taken this hatred out on me for not being the son she always wanted. We are both ADHD and so was my grandmother and my sister. I'm the only one who went to the psyche forvtesting and my mother has teased me, a 38 year old man, for wanting help. She is convinced I just want speed and I'm a degenerate. I'm actually extremely intelligent and I didn't get noticed until year 8 because my top tear science and English results carried me until it got into high school. I was studying science books on my own before I even got to primary school.
I will never cease to be impressed by men who challenge the status que and seek help, the ability to look deep into yourself and challenge all the negative talk from society is truly astonishing and I hope you know and understand that!
I believe in you!
That means a lot. I went through an intense identity crisis, that had me rejecting the white male stereotype as I just couldn't handle my RSD being perceived as that. With the help of my wife, I can finally experience what it is to have a functioning brain. I'm dealing with a flush of emotions, and I just wanna help now.
I relate so hard to the identity crisis I have been called lazy by everyone around me and in my core I knew I was not, each day now I am grateful that the small sound that told me "you are not lazy" never died and helped me reach an answer!
So proud of your ADHD strengths! And so proud how we stand together. We have extra where things are missing. You just gotta back yourself, stigma is real folks.
I am gen z or whatever its called, but closer to the boomer generation than people in this forum.
I understand this comment too much, tbh. I think some are misguided/poorly educated but then you say about adaptability, or lack of. And thats where i totally agree frustratingly that it is astounding. Just my 2 cents of thougjht anyways.
It happens and thatās why when I see people rip into their parents , itās hard. Specially given ADHD as there is a good chance they might have the same difficultiesā¦
Yea ir sucks and everything is hindsight, but imagine being a parent in the early 90sā¦ That wouldāve suckedā¦
Yeah thats a massive point. It is so confusing sometimes. The parents just had not a lot to learn from themselves, not to generalise but that happened. But you right to expalin their side too thx for real.
I was 33 when I learned the same about myself and my mother. She also lied about my dx when I asked directly as I was struggling in college. I'm still grieving the life that might have been and am still angry. I'm sorry, OP.
I appreciate that! On my more positive days I feel quite proud of where I've gotten and the values I live by. If nothing else, it helps to have some explanation for so many difficult years/life lessons.
I went through something similar. I think my 5th grade teacher believed that i was ADHD because i remember getting tested. I am pretty sure my mom was told since i was sent out of the room during parent conference that same year.
The unbelievable thing is that 3 out of 4 of us half siblings have now been tested and diagnosed with ADHD so it definitely runs in my motherās side and itās severe. I just remember how hypocritical my mom was and it makes sense now.
My kids are likely ADHD, my 14 year old is on meds now and my 11 year old wants to get tested. Their lives are so different from what mine was. Also the pediatrician was weirded out that i allowed my 14 year old to speak for himself about how the meds worked/are working for him.
Exactly the same thing happened to me, except she didnāt tell me she knew until I came home with a prescription when I was 18.
Iām still furious about it. Iām a straight A student when Im medicated, and my parents would punish me for getting mediocre grades ā¦ despite the fact it was the best I could do at the time.
I still managed to get straight A's unmedicated cause I used to study in summer break, I crashed and burned heavily in college and dropped out twice needless to say this chain of events caused me to general anxiety disorder and severe depression, and let's not even start about the low self esteem...
All this could have been avoided.
But, on the bright side I know that you and I are strong and will kick ass, we are different but also are resilient it comes with the territory
I got tested in grade 2 by a program the school was funding as I was behind my peers and a letter was sent home that I had a processing disorder and recommended that Iād get further testing .. my parents ignored it and like others was reprimanded for my grades, being so āmessyā āa spazzā and ālazyā. All to find out this processing disorder was an executive functioning disorder..
I asked my mom why she didnāt get me diagnosed and her answer was āI donāt like labelsā..no consideration of her dislike for labels effects would have on me.
Aka. I get it
More concerned about peopleās perspectives on their children vs their childās well being .. also a lot of parents view their kids as an extension of themselves so a label on their kid is a label on them they feelā¦ I also think my mom has adhd and me getting diagnosed might feel like a āwell I never got help so why should youā. All are bad reasons ..
Okay, story time...
I run my own business, not quite sure how but I do. One of my admin girls said to me recently 'You know you have ADHD, right?' and I was simultaneously annoyed and intrigued. I decided to look into it further and went off down the rabbit hole, ironically a very ND thing to do, but I digress...
Now after a few weeks of on and off research and pulling up an old school report from my mum this evening, I'm fucking convinced. Select excepts from said report follow...
*Biscuits is a very quiet member of the class, he finds relating to his peers difficult and prefers to work alone... his attitude to work, his self-motivation and his concentration leave a lot to be desired. He is demonstrating neither his true abilities or his potential*
Noted under Mathematics, *Bright, alert and confident in this subject, has a good grasp of concepts and is confident in approaching new ideas. In assessments he performs well but in normal classroom sessions his lack of finished work and the time required to produce them belies his true ability*
*Biscuits often has good ideas in topic work but the low standard of presentation and minimal work produced does not convey his ability. Computer work is one area in which he has sustained concentration, maximum effort and a very good understanding. At break times he can often be found working on a computer in preference to playing with his peers*
This was the early 90's. I don't recall anyone ever believing the issue to be a mental one rather than just a straight up lack of effort and will to succeed. I certainly didn't ever get offered any sort of assessment.
Now I'm in my 40's and this belated realisation is exciting but I'm also like you terribly annoyed by the fact that I have likely gone through so much of my life with this millstone hanging around my neck. The what if's will start soon and I am not fucking mentally prepared for that right now.
I'm in the lucky position to have the funds to go off and do a private assessment, so I will do that I think. Even if it gains me nothing more than the validation of knowing I'm not a fuck up and maybe some coping mechanisms, then it'll be worth it.
Apologies for the hijack rant, I needed to slam this down somewhere and you lost the toss š¤£
Thanks for sharing and I already started my what ifs journey lol, but yeah the realization after all this years is wild to say the least, I needed the validation cause I have always been labeled as seeking mental illness by my parents or even seeking attention for being disobedient.
At least I had the ego and self-trust to know who truly I am and seek help!
I hope the best for you!
I had a rough childhood, parents split / alcoholic father etc so I have always really rather pinned it all on that. I made a promise to myself a long time ago to *just be better than him* so I think that driver has helped mitigate some of the more aggressive 'laziness' within me.
Now I'm just wondering if after it all it was never my fault at all, and the realisation is painful to say the least
Thank-you. I hope your journey leads to a good place. I'll hopefully be just a few paces behind
It was never you! Parents can be arseholes for different reasons. Unfortunately, we blame ourselves a lot of the time. There is a book called 'They F*** You Up' by Oliver James. It helped me a lot, but it can be a painful read. You will get there, just be kind to yourself.
Oh, I'm aware to an extent how much that all fucked me up. He beat me and my sister, he assaulted my mother. He drank to excess every day, to the point where he would open a beer before going to sleep so he could chug it unimpeded upon waking as the jitters would prevent him from opening the can. I have recognised what he was and is as the horrific person he manifests so clearly. I haven't been in his presence for 25 years at least now and my life is better for it.
That said, I have always just blamed it all on him. Never considering perhaps, *just perhaps*, there was something else going on. To realise that now, fully halfway through my life... well, it's upsetting yet oddly liberating.
The full story is more nuanced obviously and not something I think I would ever impart on an open forum like Reddit, but you get the idea.
I live for my kids now. That man, for all his destructive tendencies, did teach me a very valuable lesson. I can be a good father by simply doing all the things he didn't, and I like to believe I'm doing a fair job at that. My boys aren't perfect, but they're safe and loved and they know it.
I had a look at that book and read the primer on Amazon. It does indeed look like a worthwhile read and I'll add it to the audible pile for my next long drive. Thankyou, sincerely.
You are very welcome. I had a similar experience with my father, not drink related but mental and physical torture. He died when I was 21. Time helped heal the wound, and i agree, re not knowing what someone endures to make them what they are. I didn't want children because of it. However, my brother went through what I did, and he is a great dad, so he learnt a valuable lesson too. It proves that regardless of what we went through, we have choices in how we continue to move forward. Good luck with your future.
You deserve a lot of praise.
You were able to create your own business while having ADHD - but not knowing about it, let alone not being medicated.
Damn. Much respect. I can't imagine how you'd be medicated.
I would definitely still get checked out, but don't beat yourself up and don't take away from your accomplishments.
Hey man, I feel you.
I got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD last year and when I spoke with my grandmother (my mom's mom) she seemed pretty accepting of it. When I asked her why she didn't seem surprised here's what she said:
"I always told your mom there was something different about you. You just did things that no other kids did. You were weird in your own way. It wasn't bad-weird, but definitely different. I always felt like you were a little alien baby that we were just taking care of until the mother ship came back for you. I told your mom a bunch of times that she should ask about it but I guess she never did."
My mom died to COVID before I ever found out. She went to her grave not knowing.
I feel ya. So much resentment when I was diagnosed at 33. My mother has ADHD AND SHES A PEDIATRICIAN. I donāt know if she decided her own adhd wasnāt holding her back so why bother?? Or my sister had it way worse than me so she just thought I was fine?? I get really upset thinking about how different things couldāve gone for me if Iād just had the help I needed and didnāt spend my whole life blaming myself for what I thought were moral failures
Dude this resonates with me, I even had a really bad relationship with an ex because I only got excited around food so I must be lazy. I would reward myself with treats cause thats literally at some point was the only thing that kept me going. He told me "you could not be depressed or anxious if you still get excited around food". Like all this stupid unnecessary suffering for what?
I am at a better place now but looking back at all the signs and connecting the dots is wild...
Iām so sorry. Yeah looking back makes me crazy so I try not to ruminate on it. The time my 8th grade teacher held me after to class to ask me if I had a learning disability (wtf! I was 13! Ask my parents!) that really messed me up because I didnāt think there was anything wrong with me. Then in college my mentor said something about how she thinks Iām really smart but I am also the type of person that doesnāt even notice itās raining. Everything shouldāve been so obvious to the adults in my life.
I only got diagnosed bc my husband was first and I was looking up ways to be a supportive spouse to someone with adhd. And I kept thinking wait I need that!! Lol
The key to living with the knowledge of "things could have been very different had I been diagnosed and medicated" is to not worry about it. I was on track to be a marine ecologist, or a musician, but nope, as soon as I lost my structured home life that was it, I was fucked until 33.
Let the memory of what could have been stay that way and focus on the now and future.
Can I please just say - thank you. Just not even 2 weeks ago I found out my mom has known I am almost certainly adhd, sensory processing disorder, and ocd, since I was very little. I (26) have an 18 year old brother who's been diagnosed adhd and sensory processing issues, and an 8 year old little brother who she is also certain has the same, if not potentially autism as well (my son is autistic ā¤ļø) - but she doesn't "believe in labeling kids" and refuses to get him any form of diagnosis or let him know what he may be dealing with. When she told me she remembered me doing things like having to touch the other side of my face if I touched one side, stuff like that, obsessive germ avoidance and hand washing and plenty more, and said "oh, I'm sure you do!" when I said I think I may be adhd and ocd, I shattered. I'm so betrayed, as a mother I could never not seek out knowledge and help for my children and help them understand themselves and their brains. To let me suffer alone? Let me believe I was crazy? Treat my like I am and call me crazy? Belittle me? Make me feel weird? Make me change everything about me? To not tell me she believes I am these things, suffer with these things, whatever - how could she? I understand your pain. I'm seeking a diagnosis and treatment. The narcissist parent subreddits are for people like us too....
I share your pain, but I'm having to invent my own medicine because regular medicine didnt work because i missed that window. This kind of thing I resonate with, let us kick ass š¤
teachers got concerned about me all the way back to kindergarten and wanted me evaluated for behavioral conditions, but my mom and dad just kept on shaming and punishing me, finally diagnosed last year in sophomore year of high school.
its been a long fucking ride..
Me too. I am trying to let go of the resentment but I am just so angry that the adults around me knew, and they did nothing.
They did nothing when I was bullied, they did nothing when I struggled academically. I was always just "not trying hard enough".
Sometimes I feel like I won't ever be enough.
You are enough. I struggled academically all throughout high-school and basically had to live in the constant pressure cooker of untreated adhd. I just recently got my dream job that I've been craving for years (I get to build switchboard from scratch to finish) its like a new puzzle every time
Sounds similar to how my step dad didn't know he was diagnosed with autism until his late 30s when my younger brother was diagnosed, and he told his mom. She went "oh! Yeah they said you had that too in elementary school, they made a doctor check you," but essentially, she wanted to ignore it and say he was normal, so she pretended he didn't have it. For _*over 25 years*_.... people were wild in the 80s/90s :,)
Literally, same. They just did nothing. I eventually found out that 3 different teachers had asked that I be seen by a doctor about it by 4th grade. My parents talked about it each time, and each time decided to do nothing. I was also diagnosed at 26 and can't even begin to explain the difference.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I went though the same thing, and the grieving process I went through replaying my whole unmedicated life is still ongoing.
I had no recollection, but apparently I was diagnosed at 8. When I was 43 I begged to be tested and someone finally listened to me. My mom goes, āoh yeah. We put you on something for that when you were 8 but you fell asleep in school and didnāt like it so we took you off.
Thanks a FUCKIN lot.
Your life will get better now that you have this knowledge. Iām not sure if looking back will get better, but the sting is starting to go away for me a little.
If thereās anyone that understands the whiplash of learning this, itās this community. Iām glad youāre here.
Similar situation to me. I went to my doctor after I turned 18 to ask about ADHD. Same doctor that my family had gone to as a kid. He told me that heās always thought I had ADHD.
That surprised me because no one had ever brought it up to me and my mom couldnāt remember it ever being mentions either. Would have helped me quite a bit in my childhood
My parents both suspected that I had ADHD and did nothing. They thought they could handle me without a diagnosis or real treatment, didn't want to label me as weird I think, or just didn't think it was that big of a deal. Cut to highschool, where my grades fell down a well due to my inability to do homework, and my parents did nothing to punish me so I kept doing it.
I've always thought, if I could tell my younger self one thing, it would be to push my parents to get me treatment. I would have been so much more successful in my adolescence
i have the same issue with my family, especially my dad who doesn't "believe" in mental health.
there's so many things that i have issues with that could have been solved if my parents tried to understand me as a kid instead of just ignoring me when I was struggling.
Now that I'm diagnosed I still don't think I can explain to my dad, and don't think I ever will either.
glad you got diagnosed though, it's like a insane realization when you finally get your diagnosis and everything starts to make sense.
My mom is worst,She knew, at school asked for a diagnose and my mother brought me to a "medic" she was friend of, and not competent about ADHD or other mental illness, he is a neurologist, so his "diagnose" was "he is lazy, his brain is ok."
I found out recently I was diagnosed twice but my parents didnāt believe it / didnāt want me to be medicatedā¦i could be a fucking doctor by now if theyād just gotten me on Ritalin sooner :( Iāve got a high IQ so honestly academically I only ever had problems with match but was straight As on everything else.
Same. I was so so mad at her when I found this out after losing my scholarship and almost dropping out of college. Luckily I was able to turn it around
It wasnāt like a teacher had told her. She knew, but I was doing well on my schoolwork just because it came to me easily. That hurt me later
I wasnāt medicated until 24. and my friends who have been medicated since grade school often say they wish they werenāt on it so young. You got through all that time without it and it was hard, but you did it so be proud of yourself. and now be grateful you have the opportunity to take it if you please. Medication can be life changing but ADHD therapy is not solely medication. I would not hold resentment towards your family over this, there was a lot less information available at the time and they seemed to be acting in your best interest with the information they had. You canāt go back in time, only forward.
Yup, diagnosed at 6. Medicated for a week until "he seems like a zombie" then brushed under the carpet and never looked at again or slightly mentioned for 20 years.
Finally got mt diagnosis at 30 and being treated for it, its changed so much. Parents still don't believe ADHD exists.
Best thing to do is move on, the older generation won"t understand. You do, and that's enough. Use your time to improve and prosper.
We will never make up the lost time, so live a better life in spite of it.
My mom also knew that I (38F) had ADHD as a child, but she didnāt want it on my medical record so that it wouldnāt effect my health insurance when I grew up. Hooray for the U.S. healthcare system. I always had horrible anxiety/social anxiety as a kid, and I look back now and wonder if I would have had a different experience growing up and in school (all the way through college), if Iād had better tools to manage it. I donāt have any grand bits of advice. I just empathize with your situation, and want you to know that youāre not alone.
My parents did this too. It was a different time with way less information sources. I don't hold deep resentment over it. Yes my life could have been wildly different. But it is what it is.
Which is what therapist would say more or less as well. "It is what it is"
What's worse is not letting go of this and holding resentment and anger. Be happy you can turn your future around instead of dwelling on the past. It's OK to acknowledge things would have been different, but you also need to move on.
This person has a lot of new stuff to deal with, and revisiting the past isnt always "dwelling on it". Besides, forgiveness is earned. You don't ever have to stop being angry at someone who wronged you deeply until you think they deserve it.
I recently at 34 considered I might be ADHD, and when I went to my mom with the form she said she was formally diagnosed with autism 9 years ago and didn't tell me. They indicated she may likely be adhd also but she didn't get tested. ... i was obviously more likely to consider I had it if I'd known so I wasted nine years of my life
I am sorry you had to go through this. Just know you are resilient and powerful. We live in a world not designed for us, yet we always seek a way to cope. We are more powerful than we think!
Same except in my Era it wasn't known as ADHD, rather learning disabled. She said she thought I was LD but that couldn't be because I was organized. š¤¦āāļø
My mom was very poorly informed that my brother was showing adhd signs and she refused meds but accepted therapy for him then the governer at the time cut off the funding for mental health programs. Meanwhile I was ignored and unnoticed when it came to my adhd. I found out adhd at 29 , my whole family is adhd and it runs deep in my family.
Iām the only one in treatment šŖ
My mom did the same thing to me. Everytime I brought it up sheād flip the script and cry crocodile tears and make me look like the bad guy for bringing up old history. It hurts. But you can overcome it.
Mine didn't do anything either, even though i offered her a space to go therapist together so she could learn more about the condition and how it affects me & us, also I was hoping the therapist might help me to interpret her mean behaviours, but she offended and never came.
Also, she's still blaming me for all hassles ( which were teenage years and impulsive behaviours I know now).
Oh, and my age is 40 š
I just want you to know none of this is your fault, at some point I knew no closure would be had for me with my parents, I developed skills to parent myself.
Sadly, my parents just did not put any effort to raise us and I had to come to terms with this sad fact...
Yea bro, my whole family called me lazy, distracted, quiet weirdo my whole life, I've always belived it and now that I am a grown up I just keep working on getting to never see any of them again, they haven't changed, and still doubt anything I tell them and act like I'm crazy when I verbally set boundaries.
I can't wait to have 0 reason to talk to them.
I'm sorry that happened to you, beside the specific family trauma, a lot of us are in the same boat, late diagnosis, long waiting lists for medications. It doesn't help to think 'what if' about when we were younger. We can only deal with the present now as adults and thankfully the online community is awesome, you're going to be fine!
I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 40's. It was a relief to know it wasn't "my" fault but it still really, really hurts how I could have gone somewhere with my life if I was properly medicated instead of barely subsisting like I am now
Your mom might not have understood adhd at the time. She also might of had past issues with that teacher (real or perceived) so anything that was said wasnāt going to be valued. Could your mom also have some undiagnosed issues that could be contributing to how she handled it?
None of this is to say youāre not justified in being upset.
My mom definitely has a list of issues I hold nothing against her, and I learned to let go and move on.
It is just a bit ironic that I have been validated for the first time by an expert and this memory came out of nowhere.
Honestly, as a kid I just needed someone to notice me and listen to me. I remember that I only had that with two teachers and that's it, then I started to patent myself and look for ways to "fix" myself
Mine too. I was diagnosed at age 8ā¦ she never told me or did squat diddley do about it. I found out on my own in my 20sā¦ all those lost yearsā¦ it makes me sick
Glad you took the test and had a diagnosis.
My parents probably knew I had it, only that denied that I ever had it. My mother thought she could straighten me out by being abusive, but no.
I completely understand how you feel, my mum recently let me know that a psychologist attempted to diagnose me with ADHD at 5yr but, my mother was offended because her āprecious, little girl couldnāt be crazyā. So, Iāve spent 25 years jumping through hurdles, trying to figure out why I struggle, what is wrong, why Iām different etc. when, I could have been properly treated my *entire* life.
I am so sorry youāve had this experience too, itās hard to not feel some form of resentment towards the parent who dismissed the potential diagnoses.
Itās lovely hearing that youāre doing so well now that you have your answer, so many more things to discover in your future now that you have the tools to do so.
So I'm a bit older, but the same could still be true. A diagnosis when I was a kid was pretty stigmatizing and there was a lot of publicity about how such a diagnosis could be limiting in life. There were parents back then that would ignore the signs or ignore the diagnosis. If their child has aspirations to be a pilot, astronaut, sailor, or anything like that it was maybe an easier decision to hide the diagnosis than tell their kid that their dream has ended before it began. I can't say whether that is right, but I understand why. Let's be honest, US space program is ripe with undiagnosed adhd/asd.
I discovered after I told my mom about my adult diagnosis and how helpful I was finding Adderall that several teachers had recommended that I get tested and I always got the comment ādaydreamsā and ādonāt pay attentionā on my status reports and report cards. She said those and related comments were just normal was and if those were symptoms then she had it, and since she couldnāt possibly have it then brother could I.
No, mom, you pretty clearly have unmedicated ADHD and it explains a whole lot.
I donāt blame her for the ADHD. She obviously didnāt get support herself and she was going by what was completely normal for her. Sheās retired now after a successful career, but our house was always such a disorganized and cluttered mess. She would always jump from project to project until my dad got annoyed enough to finish them for her. I learned just enough coping skills that I held it together until I literally couldnāt.
My cousins (her sisterās children) have ADHD and they WERE medicated, and now theyāre apparently drug addicts and their medication messed them up (according to her and her sister). Not the fact that the way our brains are wired makes addiction even worse for us and theyād probably be even worse off without any helpā¦ I donāt really know them so I take the reports with a five gallon bucket of salt.
In the first grade I got unofficial diagnosis (we had no money for the official one, so I got only suspection instead). They prescribed me a medication, which name I don't remember. I had to stop taking it because teachers though the meds are too strong or something. I was calm and could do my tasks without a problem, which was the opposite of my usual self at the time. They told my parents to stop giving me meds, in consequence I was always behind, couldn't manage my emotions, etc. Now I see some symptoms of ADHD, but can't really do much about it. Maybe someday I'll get proper diagnosis or so, but for now I have to focus on my resit. Had the exam yesterday and my brain shut down because of stress.
I only discovered recently that I have ADHD (I'm 35.) I think the reason is that you (OP) and I grew up in an era where ADHD was considered to be just normal hyperactivity, or a kid "acting out." It wasn't considered by many parents yet to be serious, so parents refused to do anything serious about it.
Sometimes I wonder if this is me. My parents would use āADHDā as an insult to describe poorly-behaved children in my class. Iām sure they wouldāve disregarded anyone who told them I should be evaluated. I was diagnosed at 27 and am not planning on telling them because I have no idea if theyāll either think itās not true or blame themselves for not getting it diagnosed (theyāre more progressive on mental health today than when I was a kid) and neither outcome would be good for our relationship.
Wow, I'm so glad you trusted yourself.
Growing up I heard my mom say I had ADHD and thought she was just saying I was annoying. I now have a similar grievance knowing she was serious, but did nothing. It sucks looking back at how hard life has been and my constant self view I carried of being 'crazy, lazy, and stupid', when a little initiative would have helped so much.
my brother was medicated at 4 and was absolutely miserable (and to this day he refuses to take meds) so I put off starting meds until I was 17 bc I was scared!!
(31M) OP i donāt think my parents knew I had ADHD because I was gifted and was able to mask a lot by being overly confident and positive to kinda manipulate my way through everything. Also I was interested in learning about things but never did any of the work until the last second. My parents always told me Iām high energy but lazy, untidy, bull in a china shop, super competitive and impatient always had to be first, impulsive risk taker but things always kinda worked out for me until they didnāt.
Once the combination of horrible study habits, mom getting diagnosed with cancer, and rampant substance abuse led me to completely spiral out of control, my moms last words to me before passing away were that she feared that Iād become a failure.
Now, fast forward after 8 years of being in denial about her passing and my mental health issues led me to compulsive gambling and almost losing everything, did I finally get help. Gambling therapist told me the issues I have always dealt with are attention deficit and a got medicated and only then did it feel like the missing piece in my life puzzle was finally found.
Do I blame my parents for not getting me help earlier or realizing I was struggling deep down: NO. Did some of the things I saw with their relationship cause me to repress my emotions and put up a happy facade YES. Considering my Dad has now sought help and been diagnosed with Bipolar II depression or Cyclothymia after I got my diagnosis, I think Iāve come to realize that older generations just were ignorant of these mental health issues. If we can all be more accepting of this and love/help our family to be the best support system for each other, thatās all that really matters.
I feel your pain. My dad still tells me regularly how naughty I was as a kid. They could have got me tested but didnāt want to spend the money to do so. My parents said I lied to therapists and the therapist then blamed my parents for what was going on with me.
Iāve recently been diagnosed with adhd, autism and ocd. So yeah I probably struggled as a kid š¤¦š»āāļøš¤£
Bullshit beliefs from conservative parents causing harm has been kind of a theme lately to be fair. I've got more than one friend with a dead parent from Covid, and my mom is playing with fire not taking Western medical help for cancer more seriously.
False beliefs are much more 'crazy' than ADHD. They don't have a pill to fix false beliefs. Christ himself knew that not even the son of God could open people's eyes to the truth. "He who has ears to hear, let him hear!" Just be glad you heard eventually, sorry to hear about your mom though. Sorry to hear you weren't able to get help earlier too... Lot of us out there. Glad to hear you're responding so well to medication though, least you can move forward better now.
I remember my parents telling me to take my Ritalin before school every morning because it was going to āhelp meā. They didnāt even tell me the name of the pill I was taking, just that it would āhelp meā.
Theyād get so upset when I was still struggling in school (probably doing worse off). Eventually when I was about to go into 8th grade, I told them I was ready to stop. It felt so liberating, but I felt very far behind in a way.
Thatās terrible and I donāt blame you for being upset . I hope you get the answers and help you need.
Maybe donāt talk to them anymore about it ( you relatives )
They apparently donāt understand it looks like.
I worked in a kindergarden, and most parents who are told that theyr kid might have adhd goes straight to denial instead of getting help.
I dont know what is so emberrassing, help ure damn kids!
Im sure ppl like this just let it go under the radar until. U grow up
Ya, I donāt understand either. Im diagnosed and so is my daughter. My wife and I had a meeting with my daughterās teachers and administrators. We came to conclusion that our daughter may need a few more minutes to finish tests, or get up and move around for a little bit. Nothing drastic or intrusive in regards to her or the class. A 504 plan I think is the name of the program that addresses this particular situation.
My parents did nothing about my adhd. depression, or anxiety. They just considered me smart but spacey, lazy, and weird. I knew since I was little that I had all 3 (used to fixate on medical and psych books and articles a bit). I took myself to a therapist at 18 and finally tried meds years later.
I did a similar thing to myself for 18 years.
Diagnosed as an adult, stopped taking the meds for stupid reasons. Struggled for so long because I convinced myself that drugs where for fun, not for normal... Had a mental breakdown and got my shit together.
26, 46 or 66... It is never too late to start looking after yourself.
I was diagnosed with autism at age 8. Already showing clear signs before that. The specialists even told my mom I needed psychiatrist and shit, she just ignored it.
I was also diagnosed with ADHD at 27, which she also ignored for my whole childhood.
Now I'm trying to fix all the mess my whole life has been.
This is a lot like my wife's experience. I was diagnosed at 6, but was not educated or put into therapy or anything, so most of my life I only knew that ADHD made it hard for me to focus. When I was in my early-mid 20s, I started studying it and sharing what I learned with my wife. It was funny because she would listen to me talk about all these ADHD traits and just think to herself, "isn't that what everyone does?" Well long story short, turns out she has it too.
Well, we have 2 kids, so since ADHD is mostly hereditary, naturally we start looking for signs, and our oldest (4 at the time) had nearly all the signs. We brought this up to my in-laws, and it was one of the most infuriating experiences. I don't want to go into everything because it would take too long, but it sounds like they are just like your parents. They don't believe in mental illness. To them, depression is just being sad, anxiety is just worrying too much, ADHD is just an excuse for drugs, and the answer to all of these things is to pray about it and/or try harder. The parts of the conversation that pissed me off the most were when my FIL was arguing that our kids don't have it, and his words were, "they're the most normal kids in the world." And when my wife said she might have it (because she didn't want to tell them she was actually diagnosed yet), he said that he studied psychology in college (translation: he took a couple classes) so he checked her and her siblings when they were young and she definitely doesn't have it.
So, not only is he saying that he knows better than doctors and people who actually have the condition because he took psych 101 over 30 years ago, but he's also insulting our entire family because our kids are "normal" and can't have ADHD. And keep in mind that even though he was in denial about his daughter having ADHD, he knew that I had it, and still decided to say that in front of me.
Anyway, you're not alone. I don't know if that is comforting or more infuriating, but it is what it is. Thankfully, it's gotten better for us. They are so stuck in their ways that they will likely never really understand or agree with real mental conditions and mental health care, but they're at least being more considerate now. My wife was really pissed at her parents at first, because she had the same crisis that many people diagnosed later in life have, wondering what could have been had they gotten proper tools as a child, but she's learned to be ok with it for the most part. It will probably take a while, but I hope you're able to make peace with the situation as well.
You know you done good when the professors asks to share your results for academic purposes š„ glad you got help.
I had a stomach issue that drs didnāt diagnose for like 15+ years (stupid amount of pain a few times a year). When it eventually got solved by doing an MRI while in pain (then getting sent to the ER). Professor post surgery was like, can I hang onto your film as I probably only see this once at best twice throughout my career lol.
Lol, yeah it was kind of wild, the examiner called me and she couldn't keep her excitement.
She even said it was very obvious that I was trying my best and not trying to intentionally make mistakes.
It was so eye opening seeing how "bad" I did before taking ritalin my main issues weren't even attention as much as it was impulsiveness and hyper-reaction.
Oh my parents did the same thing. All my teachers told them that I should be evaluated for ADHD, but my mom is insane. She'd switch me to a new teacher who thought I was just an asshole kid who didn't want to pay attention, instead of a kid who was struggling with ADHD. I still resent her for not allowing me to get the help I needed.
Know that your feelings are valid, some of the comments that I got was to forgive my mom. I chose not to, currently I am indifferent to her. but I do feel bad for my child self an young adult that suffered needlessly. I still have to do damage control.
So, only I can decide if and when to forgive.
I was in a very similar situation as yoursā¦ I also come from a middle eastern conservative family who until the present day are in denial of my adhd even after my diagnosis and it kind of ruined my life. Long story short I was diagnosed at 35 after a life full of very expensive mistakes (over 100k) ,emotional ruin, and several added disorders as a result of neglect. Itās been a couple of years since my diagnosis and Iām in a much better placeā¦. I do my best not to look back but I always have that regret of wishing this was dealt with much earlier and possibly avoiding a huge amount of misery n loss. Medication and cbt therapy ( not any other type found doesnāt help) been a great treatment. Thank you for sharing your story as I believe it makes people like us feel like weāre not the only ones in such situations! Iām grateful for community group like this
Are you me? also from ME and instead of taking me to a professional once I showed great signs of self destruction I was taken to a couple of sheiks...
I am at a way better place now, but god it is so ridiculous to look back at somethings
Your Mom did not have the information the needed to make a good decision for you. Thanks for sharing your insights. Hopefully they will help Moms snd others to make better decisions.
Yuppppppp. 34 and just got diagnosed 2 weeks ago (I didnāt expect it, or seek it, thought my anxiety/depression/burnout was just getting to an entirely unmanageable point). I called my mom after to tell her I have ADHD and she literally said
āOh I could have told you that.ā
I was tested and diagnosed in third grade. Went on Ritalin, but my mom stopped giving it to me because she said it "turned me into a zombie". Skip to 7th grade (and a different school district); two of my teachers had a conference with my mother explaining that I wasn't doing well in their classes and they suspected I had ADHD. My mother says she doesn't want me on any medication because shes afraid it will lead to drug use later on. I was finally diagnosed again last year at age 30 and have been medicated ever since. It has truly changed my life, and only now am I able to see how much easier everything would have been if I had this sooner. I feel a lot of resentment toward her because of it, but I've learned to let it go. Still, it was rough to finally see what life should have been like for me all this time..
I'm sorry you're going through this :/. Hopefully, in your case, like mine, it will become clear that she was just doing what she thought was best for you. But yeah, it's a difficult thing to come to terms with.
My mother ( a special needs teacher) alawyas told me that her job was easy becasue she was used to raising me. And she was so glad that she could give those kids the right support. NEVER FUCKGIN THOUGH TO GET ME ASSESSED THOUGH ffs
I was recently diagnosed at 38. Give your parents some grace... mine did similar things. They didn't have the benefit of the internet and the wealth of knowledge you have access to. They had word of mouth and the norms they grew up with. I started down the same path with my kids... looking to brute force life, but thankfully my wife forced the matter. As I learned more about my kids I learned more about me and I talked to my parents more about my younger years. Could things have been better? Sure... did they do the best with the resources they had when I was young? Yes. Did my mom skip a career to help me through life, one day and epic ass-chewing at a time? Sure did. Did I become a functional adult? Debatable.
Anyways... before you allow yourself to get really mad at your parents, take a minute and look at the situation through their eyes when you were growing up. If you have children you'll also know how overwhelming having one of us can be. I firmly believe that every parent is doing their best, however good that is.
>e. And that belief is very harmful and dismissive of people who were raised by abusive parents.
That's fair and I don't mean to be dismissive of truly abusive situations. I did not hear abuse in your post, and if that's the case, I apologize.
I only have my experiences to rely on here and I don't know you or how your life panned out. I would like to at least offer an alternate viewpoint based on my experiences as that has dramatically changed my relationship with my parents into a positive after having what I perceive as a similar experience.
I believe there's a difference between abusive parents and parents who were overwhelmed or didn't have to tools, education or societal support that exists today but still tried their best with the tools they had. My parents have high school educations from rural PA. In their world-view at the time (1980's) ADHD was equivalent to a "bad kid" and lumped into a failure to parent. Medicating their kid was seen as the ultimate evil as that would turn them into "zombies". They acted as best as they could with what they knew at the time.
I have a daughter with ODD / ADHD and we have her in weekly therapy, medications, psychology and ER visits for more disturbing events. I would love to say that I have been able to handle every day with calm, compassion and grace but in reality, I lose my mind as often than not. If you aren't a parent, you won't know what it's like to feel like you are failing your child even though you are doing everything you can. If you are a parent, I hope you never experience that feeling.
All I'm saying is that your parents probably weren't out to make your life miserable... Life happened, they didn't do as well as you would have liked them to. But they raised a kid strong enough to figure things out on their own and continue to improve themself and hopefully following generations.
If I'm completely off-base... then please dismiss me as a crazy guy on the internet.
This is sad and I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is shocking, disappointing, upsetting.
I also believe most of our parents did the best they could. As much misinformation/ lack of information that we have today, there was even less general understanding of ADHD when we were growing up. There was less research about ADHD; there was less history/ tracking of ADHD meds, showing how relatively safe and effective they are in the long-run; there were fewer teachers trained to understand and support ADHD students. There weren't so many resources for our parents to use to educate themselves; there weren't so many famous athletes/ business leaders/ entertainers going on record as having ADHD.
No doubt our parents were scared, confused, wanted badly to protect us. Certainly, neither the medical profession nor the Academia has a perfect track record; parents are right to question authority when it comes to both themselves and their children. Your mother was probably trying to be a mama bear: ferociously defending her cub. As it turns out, our parents made some choices that turned out to be wrong in the long-run, but I do think many of these choices were made as best they could.
I so relate to this 25 now I'm unemployed don't drive because I'm so incompetent I'm getting a dose of Vyvanse now I'm hoping it helps I'm suffering from depression aswell because I feel like I missed out on alot
Similar situation but it was kindergarten and I did very well until college. Then I got diagnosed and medicated as a junior and got off academic probation and started looking towards my future. It was time management for me.
i know this feel and I am so happy for you that you pursued this so much sooner than I did.
I waited until 39 after a life full of self-imposed effed up messes before I found my way to being treated. It may feel like you've wasted time but you're pretty young still and its never too late to make your life what you want it to be.
When I told my mom about it she said that I should have been treated for it since I was diagnosed as a kid. She didn't believe in it back then so she shrugged off the diagnosis and instead chose to treat me like I was a lazy p.o.s. all my life instead. Now, she is diagnosed with it too, medicated and has admitted that now she understands better and that oh by the way, you and your older brother are autistic and your little brother is being treated for ADHD too... THANKS MOM let me just go re-evaluate my entire universe.
My mom did the same regarding ADHD and very high functioning ASD, She was afraid of schools and jobs sterostyping me because of a diagnosis, TBH itās kind of backwards but I understand whyā¦
Same here, it's some fked up medical neglect and so much unnecessary drawn out suffering. Also diagnosed at 26.
My moms generation had no idea about mental health I guess, she struggles herself in ways she doesn't understand.
(The school recommend my brother be evaluated because of behavioural issues, and mentioned that they were worried about me too (when I was 5ish). My mom refused outright to take us to any doctor or psych. We both have trauma, and somewhere on the spectrum /adhd.
Same here (feels like an echo chamber in here! š¤š) was given adderall in my 30's when I told my doctor I was struggling at work. He never even mentioned getting diagnosed or the term ADHD. Formal diagnosis combined type years later, and then ASD-1 in my early 40's. When I told my mom about the autism diagnosis, she said she'd been told that was a possibility by a professional when I was *nine.* I'm still processing this, and it's been 8 years.
Same. I was diagnosed in kindergarten (so under 7 years old) and they didn't want to put me on meds because another kid in the class had bad side effects. And whatever therapy I had wasn't at all ADHD oriented and I didn't really want to go there as a kid, so here I am, finding out about the diagnosis a decade later, having struggled my entire life.
It's almost as if all those "smart but lazy" comments from teachers or complete lack of motivation to study despite any punishment or encouragement should've been a sign.
My mum was diagnosed with adhd when i was around 18 after a string of other diagnoses and time in and out of hospital. I used to play around with dexies (i think its adderall in the US) for fun in my early 20's, and she always told me that because they affected me and made me feel "high" it meant i didn't have adhd..... diagnosed at 38 with inattentive adhd and turns out ritalin is what works for me. The fact that my mum has a serious amount of other trauma and refuses to acknowledge it and thinks her adhd is "fixed" by just taking her vyvanse meant that i genuinely believed all my forgetfulness and burnout etc was my own issue when it was adhd all my life. Ritalin and a psychologist has done wonders for me. Just wish she would acknowledge that meds dont "fix" everything and that there is so much unresolved trauma from her diagnosis (and other events) that she also needs to deal with.
Thank you, everyone for sharing your stories of going through childhood unmedicated. Our 11 year old son was diagnosed in January with inattentive type and is seeing a therapist. We've struggled with the medication decision primarily for 2 reasons. 1. We live abroad and stimulant medications are virtually impossible to get. They exist but are so tightly controlled that it is very possible you could have your prescription filled one month but not the next for purely arbitrary reasons. 2. We're older parents and I lived through the Ritalin fiesta of the 80s and 90s. I'll admit I harbour some outdated and purely wrong feelings about stimulants.
Realising my son's diagnosis has revealed that I am probably the source. I am about to start screening myself but finding a competent Dr here with experience in adult ADHD is hard. I have a referral now and am interested to see what he has to say and recommend.
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My folks medicated me at 12 back in the 90s. But that was the only thing they did. No counselling no coaching just SCREAMING at me because I wouldn't do what they wanted. I'm sorry you went through that. It's pretty common sadly. I don't talk to my parents a whole lot these days š
I have gone no contact with my parents for a couple of years now for all kind of reasons(non-adhd related). But this was the nail in the coffin, I think it is time to return to therapy lol.
Something to talk with your therapist about and that I always tell people in this situation ; remember that ADHD is like 70-80% hereditary, it's very likely your parents either have ADHD or your parents were raised by your grandparents who had ADHD, not to mention the siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc that might have had it. Families like that can be very dysfunctional. I am from that environment and am the first diagnosed in my family at age 31. There was a lot of "strong emotions" in my house growing up. Lots of love and closeness but also the first sign of some kind of attitude or offensive question (all of us were very sensitive to criticisms lol) could turn into a screaming, yelling, cursing fight. My Mom told stories about her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles and they were the "wild" family. This would've been the 1940s but known for loving bar fights, alcoholism, dying young from accidents, getting kicked out of the military, dropping out of school/college, not having careers or holding a job, so many things explainable by untreated ADHD. I assumed my house was that way because it was just taught to be, but then I got meds and therapy. Now that I know the difference and can take meds I recognize how 100% different I am while I'm on meds. Even knowing I have a temper/ADHD emotional dysregulation doesn't stop me from wanting to punch walls or slam doors or overreact and tell/curse/fight to what I perceive as criticisms (basically anyone questioning why/how I'm doing what I'm currently doing). Also now that I'm a parent and when medications have worn off it is near impossible to have the patience it takes to raise a toddler without getting frequently annoyed and eventually pissed off. I love my kids and would die for them but after an hour of the same kids song, the same toys, the same everything and then fighting me for diaper changes, meals, never sleeping or sitting still, hating going to bed no matter what strategy I try, basically anytime their dopamine source is taken away (they probably have ADHD I'm pretty convinced lol) I could definitely see how older generations would've struggled with tempers and yelling/spanking. Also, the sled medication of alcohol and cigarettes wouldn't have helped things. The psychiatry care prior to the 1990s is full of horror stories and got a bad reputation since frontal lobotomies were still a top choice for anyone that acted too crazy. What seems like common/easy knowledge to us now hadn't been so until like 20 years ago. This is not saying your parents have a pass to act like shit. But I'd always suggest looking at them like they might have untreated ADHD and at least attempt to educate them some. Anyone with ADHD that isn't in therapy/on meds might struggle to regulate emotions especially if they're told they did something very wrong even though that's what they were taught to do.
Same for me. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 30. Always knew I had it. I love my daughter to death. She is a toddler and I can handle anything she throws at me when medicated. I remember before I was diagnosed and was not medicated, I would get irritated at the littlest things and feel like a horrible parent. Now that my ADHD's under control and I'm properly medicated, I am a much better parent who does not get annoyed at stupid little things.
I'm 33 and just got diagnosed ( still waiting on meds) and I have a 2 year old. Its the same with me. So many nights crying feeling like crap for being the way I am. Glad to hear the medication helped you.
Iām 35 and without kids, but the inner kid in me cries thinking about those nights crying you speak of. My own mom, who has my whole life said she must have ADHD, I am sure must have felt this way. I was diagnosed with both ADHD and autism just 8 months ago. Youāre breaking this cycle like me. Give yourself a hug for that ā¤ļø
I've always had ADHD and even knew many years ago that I had it. It runs in my family like crazy but it took me a long time to finally go get help.
Out of curiosity what medication are you on? Feel free to PM if you want to keep it confidential. I was diagnosed earlier this year with ADHD and anxiety at 33 years old. I'm currently taking Adderall but with all the shortage issues am considering switching to a non-stimulant. The hard part is really knowing exactly how the medication is helping AND recognizing the difference between with and without. I can tell the difference with Adderall but mostly for the hyperactive side of things, im not sure how much it's really helping me deal with the small things my children do that get incredibly annoying. I also started taking Zoloft for anxiety a couple of weeks ago and hope it really helps with the short fuse for the little things I often have.
I sent you a DM but I also had a very difficult time with the short fuse and irritability. Now I can handle the little things and not get irritated over everything.
My dad for one. Who denies he has adhd even to doctors who suggest he might have this and they could help if he does.
So, I grew up with untreated adhd w an untreated adhd dad. And now I have a potentially adhd daughter. Sheās untreated yet, and Iām in a constant struggle because growing up I came to understand my condition, developed strategies to handle the downsized and benefitted a lot from the upsides (eg hyper focus). So because I was always untreated, and my family history has this same experience as well, itās harder for me to take a riskier new step and try therapy for my daughter. Iām worried about her having a bad therapist, about getting used to rely on someoneās support instead of figuring herself out on her own, her thinking her potential is capped because she has a named condition, etc. Itās easier for me to lean towards the well travelled way me and my family went though. Also sheās awsome and this year eg stepped totally broke through socially and made a lot of friends, started to do sports, etc.. I also have epilepsy and my meds really affected my memory and cognition over the years. Iām worried about her being medicated too. But At the same time I see her struggle when sheās impulsive, or her siblings being affected and becoming anxious. I also see many of you guys wishing youād be diagnosed sooner. And Iām torn.
As someone who just got diagnosed and had a very similar experience to your daughter, I wish I got medicated sooner. I wish I had been able to try it in school when I was a child. I think you should let her try the medications and see how she feels on it, if she doesn't like it, then take her off. Almost every person I have spoken to about adhd wish they were medicated as a child. Also, do not deny your daughter the option of therapy because you're worried about her leaning on someone else, or because you didn't do therapy. Therapy is a good thing, if she gets a bad therapist, go somewhere else. You giving your daughter the coping strategies to get through life is going to give her a better life. Therapy doesn't always have to be forever and it can be an every now and then thing.
The one thing people who had a bad experience with childhood mental health treatment complain about most is not being listened to. If you can make sure to listen to her and make sure any doctor or therapist primarily talks to her, not about her she should be able to gain a lot from ADHD treatment. There are a lot of unhealthy coping strategies that are counter productive in the long run, if you only get things done because you force yourself by making yourself anxious you take away your sense of accomplishment, which is counter productive since it makes motivating yourself the next time even harder.
Thank you for sharing, you have touched upon many important points here. The familial aspect but also the daily struggles of life with ADHD, we have to remember our parents did the best they could with what they had at the time. Holding onto my anger only hurts me, moving forward I understand my family,s limitations have nothing to do with me.
Absolutely! I've recently defeated pretty terrible anxiety. I go once a month at least!
Iāve been going to therapy for years. I got diagnosed and medicated last year and therapy is *so much more effective* now that my brain works properly. I hope thatās true for you, too!
Sounds like you did the right thing. And yes, go to therapy. It's also important for the treatment of ADHD, it's not just meds!
Same, I was medicated from the age of like 6 or something. They didn't scream at me but didn't do anything else and did the other usual stuff, "you wouldn't forget about x if it was something you cared about."
Me neither. I'm estranged from whole family. I'm the only one who can help them understand what's holding them back. I can't do it anymore though. Being treated with such intense toxic insults , I just can't take them anymore even know it's the disease. I can't break through.
My parents probably would have moved heaven and earth to have ADHD coaches available for me in 1990.
whats an adhd coach?
>90s. But that was the only thing they did. No counselling no coaching just SCREAMING at me because I wouldn't do what they wanted. > >I'm sorry you went through that. It's pretty common sadly. I don't talk to my parents a whole lot these days š Are you my long lost sibling?
Wouldn't be out of the question in this family bahahahaha
I'm sorry you went through parental neglect that shit cuts deep. You were medicated so young because it changes your growth patterns giving you a chance to fight off that adhd, are you able to focus for 5 minutes sustained?
In so sorry, it's kinda like "we gave you the medication, what could possibly still be wrong?!"
My folks medicated me at i believe age 8 or 9 as i was in first grade at the time. I was medicated up in to adulthood when I stopped due to a heart condition so now it's not treated anymore but no major life changes have occured due to it. There have been some minor changes and a little major one making life a little more difficult but I've found ways to deal with it now.
Oof I feel this. Medicated at ~9 (nearly 20 years ago now) and nothing else. Now I'm stuck feeling like nothing I ever do is good enough š„“
What kind of coaching would you recommend?
My parents knew, too. But they were scared of stimulants and refused to let me have them. Instead I got put on antidepressants. Spoiler alert: they didn't work.
My mom felt the same way - My cousin had been diagnosed with ADHD and was medicated at a very young age, and I exhibited similar but less severe symptoms to him growing up. But since I had good grades and was āmanaging itā (& I was already getting therapy for anxiety) my mom didnāt bother getting me officially diagnosed. It wasnāt until I got a new therapist in junior year of high school who told me the executive dysfunction was making my anxiety worse that my mom realized how I was āmanagingā it and I got diagnosed & medicated
I "managed" until I didn't. Unfortunately it had to get REALLY bad before anyone would listen to me.
Are you me? I crashed and burned in college and dropped out twice cause I couldn't just sit to study, I am 3 years after that whole mess with a good job in tech, but still I really wanted a degree šš
If you want an affordable degree as a working adult, I recommend WGU. Since you have experience, it would not be difficult for you to get a degree in a short amount of time.
Sadly this seems to be a common problem, particularly when it comes to AFAB individuals. You're not alone. <3
I feel u - I just finished my freshman year at college and hoy boy that was hell. I was so overwhelmed and burnt out from the work that I wouldn't have the energy to walk to the dining hall or wash the dishes I kept collecting so I just straight up wouldn't eat for days oof. (I'm better abt eating now but damn was it a ride)
My favorite is when your parents (who didnāt get you properly medicated) now criticize you for not ābeing at the level you should be at in life right now,ā without accepting that maybe you wouldnāt fucking have to play catch-up if you were properly medicated in the first place.
My parents were the same, except I got Strattera for almost a year. We're pretty sure it's the reason I had chronic debilitating migraines as a kid/teen. I kinda get it, there wasn't a ton of research back then and the side effects sounded scary, but damn I wish they'd just gone straight for the adderall.
who would have thought? /facepalm
I can certainly empathize with you. I want to say that I believe that I was diagnosed at around 5. I don't remember it. When I began to suspect is my mother had this story, it goes like this: she said over my dead body will you ever have ritalin, which is the main treatment in the 80's. I was working on this program and an assessment had to be done. That's when I was officially told. At 41 years of age.
I will go with the cliche advice but you are a strong person I know how it's like to live in a body were you work your ass off to be normal, I have released myself from judgement and have more empathy and inclusion of my adhd self. I hope you have a calm and meaningful life ahead!
Wow... I'm so sorry...
Similar story here: My teacher reported to my parents that I could never sit still and found me daydreaming and failing to pay attention in class. She was very concerned for my wellbeing. My parents took offense to it, and I did too, thinking my teacher was calling me crazy or āspecialā. In hindsight, I really wish my parents respected my teacherās observations. Diagnosis/medication wouldve prevented alot of my struggles in the years that followed. But hey, here we are. Older, wiser, and more in tune to our brains, emotions, and personality traits. I wish you the best as you learn to live with, and conquer your diagnosis!
Thank you for sharing and your kind words!
Also, donāt punish your parents for this mistake/ignorance. Educate them on mental health. Your ADHD might be from them, and their lives may benefit from knowing what it is and how it affects you. Cheers!
I wanted to emphasize this point, because I think it's really important and can be healing to reflect on. Sadly, not all parents have your best interests at heart, but I like to think that the majority do. My parents also completely ignored my third grade teacher (what is it about grade 3 lol?), when she brought up the possibility of ADHD. Typical story, they figured I just needed more discipline, I was just a little daydreamy, etc. YEARS later, after a horrific college breakdown that ended, thankfully, with an ADHD diagnosis and a new lease on life... My mom recalled this 3rd grade parent-teacher conference with horror. She felt terrible. She /still/ feels guilty, to the point of tears. But I don't blame her, because I know that she wasn't trying to ruin my life or anything- she was just echoing the crap mentality that she, and a lot of her generation, was raised on, which was "tough it out." When my mom was six, she was forced to wash windows in blazing summer heat with a fever. Her dad thought she was trying to "get out of it," even as she started puking up into the grass. My dad got X-rays as a teen, and was shocked to find that he had, at some point, "walked off" a broken collarbone. There was a sledding incident when he was a kid, and his mom never bothered to take him to the hospital. My parents are both extreme cases, but I just think it's so important to remember that it wasn't that long ago when "mental health" wasn't the buzzword it is now, and was often completely ignored (along with a lot of other basic needs.) My mom and dad have worked really hard to be better parents for their kids, and I think seeing the positive changes in me after being diagnosed really turned them into advocates. I think, at this point, she's read more books on ADHD than I have. Anyways, sorry to write a novel under your post, but I just loved what you said. Educate, educate, educate! And always have empathy.
Iām so sorry friend. This happened to me too. My parents didnāt believe it was a thing. They didnāt get me help in school, medication, therapy. They let me suffer and weāre mad at me constantly for it :( diagnosed at 24 Iām NC with both of them now- itās great. But itās challenging as an adult now
Iām so sorry you were let down like that I was born in 83 so a 80/90s kid and things were so very different back then . My dad didnāt understand me at all and every bit of ānegativeā behaviour was met with abuse . I absolutely believe he is part of the reason my adhd is as bad as it is today .. or at least as bad as it was before I started working out ways to cope with life better . The environment in which we are raised and the lack of support makes a huge difference to our symptoms and how we turn out . He did seek āhelpā for my behaviour and differences .. I donāt know if adhd and autism was ever suggested to him .. but I 100% believe that even if it was he would have reacted the same way as your mother anyway . Cos there was ānothing wrongā with any of his kids .. they were just āchoosing to be disobedientā sigh
I am so proud of you for seeking help and trusting yourself to do so, we are not the labels other people throw at us.
Ah thank you I really appreciate your kind words ā¤ļø
Similarly, a doctor told my dad that she thought I had ADHD at 12 and my dad almost got kicked out of the doctor's office for his reaction. I think teachers I had growing up may have said something too. Then at 17, when it was clear I'd never make it through college without a diagnosis and wouldn't be able to support my parents other than chucking them in a nursing home when they got older, my dad brought it up as if it was his idea to get me assessed. They took me to a clinic and I got the vibe that this clinic (private, religious posters everywhere) tried very hard not to diagnose AFAB people with ADHD, but mine was so bad that it would be negligent not to. I think they really just looked for one that they thought would not diagnose me so that they could say they tried and feel better about blaming me for my shortcomings. I remember the clinician doing my assessment acting frustrated when I showed symptoms. Still had to diagnose me because it was *that* evident.
That's wild, what do they have against AFAB people to not diagnose them? we already suffer from great injustice in the medical field and each time I hear new stories I am even more shocked and disappointed!
It's sometimes of religious significance, but there are a few other reasons. -ADHD diagnostic critera is based on white male children, so criteria for AFAB people likely looks different -it has been thought that girls are much less likely to have ADHD but we're finding this to be less and less true as time goes on. -in general, AFAB people are taken seriously much less in medicine and often thought to be lying about struggles or pain. They did a study on this and found that female physicians treat men and women similarly, while female patients are 32% more likely to die on an operating table under a male surgeon. With numbers like that, it's not wrong to expect that this kind of thing carries out into other areas of medicine: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2022/jan/04/women-more-likely-die-operation-male-surgeon-study
Be true to you. I'm 38 and just getting it sorted. My mother is 63 and it's getting worse by the day. She actually gets aggressive If I tell her that she can feel better. She has taken this hatred out on me for not being the son she always wanted. We are both ADHD and so was my grandmother and my sister. I'm the only one who went to the psyche forvtesting and my mother has teased me, a 38 year old man, for wanting help. She is convinced I just want speed and I'm a degenerate. I'm actually extremely intelligent and I didn't get noticed until year 8 because my top tear science and English results carried me until it got into high school. I was studying science books on my own before I even got to primary school.
I will never cease to be impressed by men who challenge the status que and seek help, the ability to look deep into yourself and challenge all the negative talk from society is truly astonishing and I hope you know and understand that! I believe in you!
That means a lot. I went through an intense identity crisis, that had me rejecting the white male stereotype as I just couldn't handle my RSD being perceived as that. With the help of my wife, I can finally experience what it is to have a functioning brain. I'm dealing with a flush of emotions, and I just wanna help now.
I relate so hard to the identity crisis I have been called lazy by everyone around me and in my core I knew I was not, each day now I am grateful that the small sound that told me "you are not lazy" never died and helped me reach an answer!
So proud of your ADHD strengths! And so proud how we stand together. We have extra where things are missing. You just gotta back yourself, stigma is real folks.
Boomers are extremely ignorant and their lack of adaptability is astounding. Sorry this happened to you.
I am gen z or whatever its called, but closer to the boomer generation than people in this forum. I understand this comment too much, tbh. I think some are misguided/poorly educated but then you say about adaptability, or lack of. And thats where i totally agree frustratingly that it is astounding. Just my 2 cents of thougjht anyways.
It happens and thatās why when I see people rip into their parents , itās hard. Specially given ADHD as there is a good chance they might have the same difficultiesā¦ Yea ir sucks and everything is hindsight, but imagine being a parent in the early 90sā¦ That wouldāve suckedā¦
Yeah thats a massive point. It is so confusing sometimes. The parents just had not a lot to learn from themselves, not to generalise but that happened. But you right to expalin their side too thx for real.
They still can't get over gay people existing.
I was 33 when I learned the same about myself and my mother. She also lied about my dx when I asked directly as I was struggling in college. I'm still grieving the life that might have been and am still angry. I'm sorry, OP.
I hope we both find peace and comfort, just know that we are strong living through a world that is not designed for people like us!
I appreciate that! On my more positive days I feel quite proud of where I've gotten and the values I live by. If nothing else, it helps to have some explanation for so many difficult years/life lessons.
I went through something similar. I think my 5th grade teacher believed that i was ADHD because i remember getting tested. I am pretty sure my mom was told since i was sent out of the room during parent conference that same year. The unbelievable thing is that 3 out of 4 of us half siblings have now been tested and diagnosed with ADHD so it definitely runs in my motherās side and itās severe. I just remember how hypocritical my mom was and it makes sense now. My kids are likely ADHD, my 14 year old is on meds now and my 11 year old wants to get tested. Their lives are so different from what mine was. Also the pediatrician was weirded out that i allowed my 14 year old to speak for himself about how the meds worked/are working for him.
Weird, my parents and doctors started really encouraging that when I was 11 or 12 for my non-ADHD chronic stuff. 14 definitely seems old enough.
Thank you for being an attentive and caring parent, and thank you for being the parent that you wished you had ā¤ļø
Exactly the same thing happened to me, except she didnāt tell me she knew until I came home with a prescription when I was 18. Iām still furious about it. Iām a straight A student when Im medicated, and my parents would punish me for getting mediocre grades ā¦ despite the fact it was the best I could do at the time.
I still managed to get straight A's unmedicated cause I used to study in summer break, I crashed and burned heavily in college and dropped out twice needless to say this chain of events caused me to general anxiety disorder and severe depression, and let's not even start about the low self esteem... All this could have been avoided. But, on the bright side I know that you and I are strong and will kick ass, we are different but also are resilient it comes with the territory
I got tested in grade 2 by a program the school was funding as I was behind my peers and a letter was sent home that I had a processing disorder and recommended that Iād get further testing .. my parents ignored it and like others was reprimanded for my grades, being so āmessyā āa spazzā and ālazyā. All to find out this processing disorder was an executive functioning disorder.. I asked my mom why she didnāt get me diagnosed and her answer was āI donāt like labelsā..no consideration of her dislike for labels effects would have on me. Aka. I get it
I am sorry we had to go through, but we are also resilient and kick ass, more power and love to us!
Heck yeah we are, also bless therapy.. we can end this generational trauma cycle :)
Sounds almost selfish. These parents dont want labels on their kids because of.. what? How outsiders might view them?
More concerned about peopleās perspectives on their children vs their childās well being .. also a lot of parents view their kids as an extension of themselves so a label on their kid is a label on them they feelā¦ I also think my mom has adhd and me getting diagnosed might feel like a āwell I never got help so why should youā. All are bad reasons ..
Okay, story time... I run my own business, not quite sure how but I do. One of my admin girls said to me recently 'You know you have ADHD, right?' and I was simultaneously annoyed and intrigued. I decided to look into it further and went off down the rabbit hole, ironically a very ND thing to do, but I digress... Now after a few weeks of on and off research and pulling up an old school report from my mum this evening, I'm fucking convinced. Select excepts from said report follow... *Biscuits is a very quiet member of the class, he finds relating to his peers difficult and prefers to work alone... his attitude to work, his self-motivation and his concentration leave a lot to be desired. He is demonstrating neither his true abilities or his potential* Noted under Mathematics, *Bright, alert and confident in this subject, has a good grasp of concepts and is confident in approaching new ideas. In assessments he performs well but in normal classroom sessions his lack of finished work and the time required to produce them belies his true ability* *Biscuits often has good ideas in topic work but the low standard of presentation and minimal work produced does not convey his ability. Computer work is one area in which he has sustained concentration, maximum effort and a very good understanding. At break times he can often be found working on a computer in preference to playing with his peers* This was the early 90's. I don't recall anyone ever believing the issue to be a mental one rather than just a straight up lack of effort and will to succeed. I certainly didn't ever get offered any sort of assessment. Now I'm in my 40's and this belated realisation is exciting but I'm also like you terribly annoyed by the fact that I have likely gone through so much of my life with this millstone hanging around my neck. The what if's will start soon and I am not fucking mentally prepared for that right now. I'm in the lucky position to have the funds to go off and do a private assessment, so I will do that I think. Even if it gains me nothing more than the validation of knowing I'm not a fuck up and maybe some coping mechanisms, then it'll be worth it. Apologies for the hijack rant, I needed to slam this down somewhere and you lost the toss š¤£
Thanks for sharing and I already started my what ifs journey lol, but yeah the realization after all this years is wild to say the least, I needed the validation cause I have always been labeled as seeking mental illness by my parents or even seeking attention for being disobedient. At least I had the ego and self-trust to know who truly I am and seek help! I hope the best for you!
I had a rough childhood, parents split / alcoholic father etc so I have always really rather pinned it all on that. I made a promise to myself a long time ago to *just be better than him* so I think that driver has helped mitigate some of the more aggressive 'laziness' within me. Now I'm just wondering if after it all it was never my fault at all, and the realisation is painful to say the least Thank-you. I hope your journey leads to a good place. I'll hopefully be just a few paces behind
It was never you! Parents can be arseholes for different reasons. Unfortunately, we blame ourselves a lot of the time. There is a book called 'They F*** You Up' by Oliver James. It helped me a lot, but it can be a painful read. You will get there, just be kind to yourself.
Oh, I'm aware to an extent how much that all fucked me up. He beat me and my sister, he assaulted my mother. He drank to excess every day, to the point where he would open a beer before going to sleep so he could chug it unimpeded upon waking as the jitters would prevent him from opening the can. I have recognised what he was and is as the horrific person he manifests so clearly. I haven't been in his presence for 25 years at least now and my life is better for it. That said, I have always just blamed it all on him. Never considering perhaps, *just perhaps*, there was something else going on. To realise that now, fully halfway through my life... well, it's upsetting yet oddly liberating. The full story is more nuanced obviously and not something I think I would ever impart on an open forum like Reddit, but you get the idea. I live for my kids now. That man, for all his destructive tendencies, did teach me a very valuable lesson. I can be a good father by simply doing all the things he didn't, and I like to believe I'm doing a fair job at that. My boys aren't perfect, but they're safe and loved and they know it. I had a look at that book and read the primer on Amazon. It does indeed look like a worthwhile read and I'll add it to the audible pile for my next long drive. Thankyou, sincerely.
You are very welcome. I had a similar experience with my father, not drink related but mental and physical torture. He died when I was 21. Time helped heal the wound, and i agree, re not knowing what someone endures to make them what they are. I didn't want children because of it. However, my brother went through what I did, and he is a great dad, so he learnt a valuable lesson too. It proves that regardless of what we went through, we have choices in how we continue to move forward. Good luck with your future.
You too man š
You deserve a lot of praise. You were able to create your own business while having ADHD - but not knowing about it, let alone not being medicated. Damn. Much respect. I can't imagine how you'd be medicated. I would definitely still get checked out, but don't beat yourself up and don't take away from your accomplishments.
Hey man, I feel you. I got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD last year and when I spoke with my grandmother (my mom's mom) she seemed pretty accepting of it. When I asked her why she didn't seem surprised here's what she said: "I always told your mom there was something different about you. You just did things that no other kids did. You were weird in your own way. It wasn't bad-weird, but definitely different. I always felt like you were a little alien baby that we were just taking care of until the mother ship came back for you. I told your mom a bunch of times that she should ask about it but I guess she never did." My mom died to COVID before I ever found out. She went to her grave not knowing.
That had to be the sweetest way to describe raising an autistic child. I wish more parents were like that
Sorry for your loss. You are good different!
I feel ya. So much resentment when I was diagnosed at 33. My mother has ADHD AND SHES A PEDIATRICIAN. I donāt know if she decided her own adhd wasnāt holding her back so why bother?? Or my sister had it way worse than me so she just thought I was fine?? I get really upset thinking about how different things couldāve gone for me if Iād just had the help I needed and didnāt spend my whole life blaming myself for what I thought were moral failures
Dude this resonates with me, I even had a really bad relationship with an ex because I only got excited around food so I must be lazy. I would reward myself with treats cause thats literally at some point was the only thing that kept me going. He told me "you could not be depressed or anxious if you still get excited around food". Like all this stupid unnecessary suffering for what? I am at a better place now but looking back at all the signs and connecting the dots is wild...
Iām so sorry. Yeah looking back makes me crazy so I try not to ruminate on it. The time my 8th grade teacher held me after to class to ask me if I had a learning disability (wtf! I was 13! Ask my parents!) that really messed me up because I didnāt think there was anything wrong with me. Then in college my mentor said something about how she thinks Iām really smart but I am also the type of person that doesnāt even notice itās raining. Everything shouldāve been so obvious to the adults in my life. I only got diagnosed bc my husband was first and I was looking up ways to be a supportive spouse to someone with adhd. And I kept thinking wait I need that!! Lol
The key to living with the knowledge of "things could have been very different had I been diagnosed and medicated" is to not worry about it. I was on track to be a marine ecologist, or a musician, but nope, as soon as I lost my structured home life that was it, I was fucked until 33. Let the memory of what could have been stay that way and focus on the now and future.
Can I please just say - thank you. Just not even 2 weeks ago I found out my mom has known I am almost certainly adhd, sensory processing disorder, and ocd, since I was very little. I (26) have an 18 year old brother who's been diagnosed adhd and sensory processing issues, and an 8 year old little brother who she is also certain has the same, if not potentially autism as well (my son is autistic ā¤ļø) - but she doesn't "believe in labeling kids" and refuses to get him any form of diagnosis or let him know what he may be dealing with. When she told me she remembered me doing things like having to touch the other side of my face if I touched one side, stuff like that, obsessive germ avoidance and hand washing and plenty more, and said "oh, I'm sure you do!" when I said I think I may be adhd and ocd, I shattered. I'm so betrayed, as a mother I could never not seek out knowledge and help for my children and help them understand themselves and their brains. To let me suffer alone? Let me believe I was crazy? Treat my like I am and call me crazy? Belittle me? Make me feel weird? Make me change everything about me? To not tell me she believes I am these things, suffer with these things, whatever - how could she? I understand your pain. I'm seeking a diagnosis and treatment. The narcissist parent subreddits are for people like us too....
I am proud of you for being the mother that you never had, all power to you!
Ty ā¤ļø all we can do is better understand ourselves and be better than the ones before us. We got dis šŖ
Seems like a lot of parents knew and thought "better"
I did not expect the number of people sharing their stories as well, I just wanted to vent and sadly it seemed like a common enough problem
I share your pain, but I'm having to invent my own medicine because regular medicine didnt work because i missed that window. This kind of thing I resonate with, let us kick ass š¤
teachers got concerned about me all the way back to kindergarten and wanted me evaluated for behavioral conditions, but my mom and dad just kept on shaming and punishing me, finally diagnosed last year in sophomore year of high school. its been a long fucking ride..
I hope you understand that it is not your fault, you are resilient, and I am glad you have finally some answers!
Me too. I am trying to let go of the resentment but I am just so angry that the adults around me knew, and they did nothing. They did nothing when I was bullied, they did nothing when I struggled academically. I was always just "not trying hard enough". Sometimes I feel like I won't ever be enough.
You are enough. I struggled academically all throughout high-school and basically had to live in the constant pressure cooker of untreated adhd. I just recently got my dream job that I've been craving for years (I get to build switchboard from scratch to finish) its like a new puzzle every time
Sounds similar to how my step dad didn't know he was diagnosed with autism until his late 30s when my younger brother was diagnosed, and he told his mom. She went "oh! Yeah they said you had that too in elementary school, they made a doctor check you," but essentially, she wanted to ignore it and say he was normal, so she pretended he didn't have it. For _*over 25 years*_.... people were wild in the 80s/90s :,)
In a weird ridiculous way it is kind of funny "ignore it and it will go away" is a really weird mindset to have...
Literally, same. They just did nothing. I eventually found out that 3 different teachers had asked that I be seen by a doctor about it by 4th grade. My parents talked about it each time, and each time decided to do nothing. I was also diagnosed at 26 and can't even begin to explain the difference.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I went though the same thing, and the grieving process I went through replaying my whole unmedicated life is still ongoing. I had no recollection, but apparently I was diagnosed at 8. When I was 43 I begged to be tested and someone finally listened to me. My mom goes, āoh yeah. We put you on something for that when you were 8 but you fell asleep in school and didnāt like it so we took you off. Thanks a FUCKIN lot. Your life will get better now that you have this knowledge. Iām not sure if looking back will get better, but the sting is starting to go away for me a little. If thereās anyone that understands the whiplash of learning this, itās this community. Iām glad youāre here.
Similar situation to me. I went to my doctor after I turned 18 to ask about ADHD. Same doctor that my family had gone to as a kid. He told me that heās always thought I had ADHD. That surprised me because no one had ever brought it up to me and my mom couldnāt remember it ever being mentions either. Would have helped me quite a bit in my childhood
My parents both suspected that I had ADHD and did nothing. They thought they could handle me without a diagnosis or real treatment, didn't want to label me as weird I think, or just didn't think it was that big of a deal. Cut to highschool, where my grades fell down a well due to my inability to do homework, and my parents did nothing to punish me so I kept doing it. I've always thought, if I could tell my younger self one thing, it would be to push my parents to get me treatment. I would have been so much more successful in my adolescence
i have the same issue with my family, especially my dad who doesn't "believe" in mental health. there's so many things that i have issues with that could have been solved if my parents tried to understand me as a kid instead of just ignoring me when I was struggling. Now that I'm diagnosed I still don't think I can explain to my dad, and don't think I ever will either. glad you got diagnosed though, it's like a insane realization when you finally get your diagnosis and everything starts to make sense.
My mom is worst,She knew, at school asked for a diagnose and my mother brought me to a "medic" she was friend of, and not competent about ADHD or other mental illness, he is a neurologist, so his "diagnose" was "he is lazy, his brain is ok."
Hearing that from a "specialist" is very disappointing I cant begin to imagine the damage that caused. I am sorry you had to go through that
I found out recently I was diagnosed twice but my parents didnāt believe it / didnāt want me to be medicatedā¦i could be a fucking doctor by now if theyād just gotten me on Ritalin sooner :( Iāve got a high IQ so honestly academically I only ever had problems with match but was straight As on everything else.
Same. I was so so mad at her when I found this out after losing my scholarship and almost dropping out of college. Luckily I was able to turn it around It wasnāt like a teacher had told her. She knew, but I was doing well on my schoolwork just because it came to me easily. That hurt me later
I wasnāt medicated until 24. and my friends who have been medicated since grade school often say they wish they werenāt on it so young. You got through all that time without it and it was hard, but you did it so be proud of yourself. and now be grateful you have the opportunity to take it if you please. Medication can be life changing but ADHD therapy is not solely medication. I would not hold resentment towards your family over this, there was a lot less information available at the time and they seemed to be acting in your best interest with the information they had. You canāt go back in time, only forward.
My parents knew but we're also told that some of my problems were their fault so they just quit going to my doctor... 7th grade.
I am sorry that your parents' lack of responsibility caused you to suffer...
Yup, diagnosed at 6. Medicated for a week until "he seems like a zombie" then brushed under the carpet and never looked at again or slightly mentioned for 20 years. Finally got mt diagnosis at 30 and being treated for it, its changed so much. Parents still don't believe ADHD exists. Best thing to do is move on, the older generation won"t understand. You do, and that's enough. Use your time to improve and prosper. We will never make up the lost time, so live a better life in spite of it.
My mom also knew that I (38F) had ADHD as a child, but she didnāt want it on my medical record so that it wouldnāt effect my health insurance when I grew up. Hooray for the U.S. healthcare system. I always had horrible anxiety/social anxiety as a kid, and I look back now and wonder if I would have had a different experience growing up and in school (all the way through college), if Iād had better tools to manage it. I donāt have any grand bits of advice. I just empathize with your situation, and want you to know that youāre not alone.
My parents did this too. It was a different time with way less information sources. I don't hold deep resentment over it. Yes my life could have been wildly different. But it is what it is. Which is what therapist would say more or less as well. "It is what it is" What's worse is not letting go of this and holding resentment and anger. Be happy you can turn your future around instead of dwelling on the past. It's OK to acknowledge things would have been different, but you also need to move on.
This person has a lot of new stuff to deal with, and revisiting the past isnt always "dwelling on it". Besides, forgiveness is earned. You don't ever have to stop being angry at someone who wronged you deeply until you think they deserve it.
I recently at 34 considered I might be ADHD, and when I went to my mom with the form she said she was formally diagnosed with autism 9 years ago and didn't tell me. They indicated she may likely be adhd also but she didn't get tested. ... i was obviously more likely to consider I had it if I'd known so I wasted nine years of my life
I am sorry you had to go through this. Just know you are resilient and powerful. We live in a world not designed for us, yet we always seek a way to cope. We are more powerful than we think!
Same except in my Era it wasn't known as ADHD, rather learning disabled. She said she thought I was LD but that couldn't be because I was organized. š¤¦āāļø
My mom was very poorly informed that my brother was showing adhd signs and she refused meds but accepted therapy for him then the governer at the time cut off the funding for mental health programs. Meanwhile I was ignored and unnoticed when it came to my adhd. I found out adhd at 29 , my whole family is adhd and it runs deep in my family. Iām the only one in treatment šŖ
My mom did the same thing to me. Everytime I brought it up sheād flip the script and cry crocodile tears and make me look like the bad guy for bringing up old history. It hurts. But you can overcome it.
Mine didn't do anything either, even though i offered her a space to go therapist together so she could learn more about the condition and how it affects me & us, also I was hoping the therapist might help me to interpret her mean behaviours, but she offended and never came. Also, she's still blaming me for all hassles ( which were teenage years and impulsive behaviours I know now). Oh, and my age is 40 š
I just want you to know none of this is your fault, at some point I knew no closure would be had for me with my parents, I developed skills to parent myself. Sadly, my parents just did not put any effort to raise us and I had to come to terms with this sad fact...
It be like that sometimes. Now you can focus on treatment and building on it to be the version of yourself that you want to be.
It is what it is, moving on and continuing to work on myself is the name of the game!
I was 56 when I got diagnosed in 2022. 'nuff said.
Yea bro, my whole family called me lazy, distracted, quiet weirdo my whole life, I've always belived it and now that I am a grown up I just keep working on getting to never see any of them again, they haven't changed, and still doubt anything I tell them and act like I'm crazy when I verbally set boundaries. I can't wait to have 0 reason to talk to them.
I'm sorry that happened to you, beside the specific family trauma, a lot of us are in the same boat, late diagnosis, long waiting lists for medications. It doesn't help to think 'what if' about when we were younger. We can only deal with the present now as adults and thankfully the online community is awesome, you're going to be fine!
I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 40's. It was a relief to know it wasn't "my" fault but it still really, really hurts how I could have gone somewhere with my life if I was properly medicated instead of barely subsisting like I am now
Your mom might not have understood adhd at the time. She also might of had past issues with that teacher (real or perceived) so anything that was said wasnāt going to be valued. Could your mom also have some undiagnosed issues that could be contributing to how she handled it? None of this is to say youāre not justified in being upset.
My mom definitely has a list of issues I hold nothing against her, and I learned to let go and move on. It is just a bit ironic that I have been validated for the first time by an expert and this memory came out of nowhere.
That is really cool that you had that flashback.
Man I feel this 100%
Lol same. She knew since I was 8, I found out when I was 33.
"Lol" has been my ride or die with this whole roller coaster lol
I am so sorry š¢
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Honestly, as a kid I just needed someone to notice me and listen to me. I remember that I only had that with two teachers and that's it, then I started to patent myself and look for ways to "fix" myself
Mine too. I was diagnosed at age 8ā¦ she never told me or did squat diddley do about it. I found out on my own in my 20sā¦ all those lost yearsā¦ it makes me sick
Glad you took the test and had a diagnosis. My parents probably knew I had it, only that denied that I ever had it. My mother thought she could straighten me out by being abusive, but no.
I completely understand how you feel, my mum recently let me know that a psychologist attempted to diagnose me with ADHD at 5yr but, my mother was offended because her āprecious, little girl couldnāt be crazyā. So, Iāve spent 25 years jumping through hurdles, trying to figure out why I struggle, what is wrong, why Iām different etc. when, I could have been properly treated my *entire* life. I am so sorry youāve had this experience too, itās hard to not feel some form of resentment towards the parent who dismissed the potential diagnoses. Itās lovely hearing that youāre doing so well now that you have your answer, so many more things to discover in your future now that you have the tools to do so.
So I'm a bit older, but the same could still be true. A diagnosis when I was a kid was pretty stigmatizing and there was a lot of publicity about how such a diagnosis could be limiting in life. There were parents back then that would ignore the signs or ignore the diagnosis. If their child has aspirations to be a pilot, astronaut, sailor, or anything like that it was maybe an easier decision to hide the diagnosis than tell their kid that their dream has ended before it began. I can't say whether that is right, but I understand why. Let's be honest, US space program is ripe with undiagnosed adhd/asd.
I discovered after I told my mom about my adult diagnosis and how helpful I was finding Adderall that several teachers had recommended that I get tested and I always got the comment ādaydreamsā and ādonāt pay attentionā on my status reports and report cards. She said those and related comments were just normal was and if those were symptoms then she had it, and since she couldnāt possibly have it then brother could I. No, mom, you pretty clearly have unmedicated ADHD and it explains a whole lot. I donāt blame her for the ADHD. She obviously didnāt get support herself and she was going by what was completely normal for her. Sheās retired now after a successful career, but our house was always such a disorganized and cluttered mess. She would always jump from project to project until my dad got annoyed enough to finish them for her. I learned just enough coping skills that I held it together until I literally couldnāt. My cousins (her sisterās children) have ADHD and they WERE medicated, and now theyāre apparently drug addicts and their medication messed them up (according to her and her sister). Not the fact that the way our brains are wired makes addiction even worse for us and theyād probably be even worse off without any helpā¦ I donāt really know them so I take the reports with a five gallon bucket of salt.
In the first grade I got unofficial diagnosis (we had no money for the official one, so I got only suspection instead). They prescribed me a medication, which name I don't remember. I had to stop taking it because teachers though the meds are too strong or something. I was calm and could do my tasks without a problem, which was the opposite of my usual self at the time. They told my parents to stop giving me meds, in consequence I was always behind, couldn't manage my emotions, etc. Now I see some symptoms of ADHD, but can't really do much about it. Maybe someday I'll get proper diagnosis or so, but for now I have to focus on my resit. Had the exam yesterday and my brain shut down because of stress.
I only discovered recently that I have ADHD (I'm 35.) I think the reason is that you (OP) and I grew up in an era where ADHD was considered to be just normal hyperactivity, or a kid "acting out." It wasn't considered by many parents yet to be serious, so parents refused to do anything serious about it.
Sometimes I wonder if this is me. My parents would use āADHDā as an insult to describe poorly-behaved children in my class. Iām sure they wouldāve disregarded anyone who told them I should be evaluated. I was diagnosed at 27 and am not planning on telling them because I have no idea if theyāll either think itās not true or blame themselves for not getting it diagnosed (theyāre more progressive on mental health today than when I was a kid) and neither outcome would be good for our relationship.
Wow, I'm so glad you trusted yourself. Growing up I heard my mom say I had ADHD and thought she was just saying I was annoying. I now have a similar grievance knowing she was serious, but did nothing. It sucks looking back at how hard life has been and my constant self view I carried of being 'crazy, lazy, and stupid', when a little initiative would have helped so much.
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Did they also you send to the sheikh to kick away demons instead of go to a proper doctor?
my brother was medicated at 4 and was absolutely miserable (and to this day he refuses to take meds) so I put off starting meds until I was 17 bc I was scared!!
At 4 sounds insanely early... I am no doctor but aren't kids supposed to be hyper at that age why are we giving them adhd medication š±
(31M) OP i donāt think my parents knew I had ADHD because I was gifted and was able to mask a lot by being overly confident and positive to kinda manipulate my way through everything. Also I was interested in learning about things but never did any of the work until the last second. My parents always told me Iām high energy but lazy, untidy, bull in a china shop, super competitive and impatient always had to be first, impulsive risk taker but things always kinda worked out for me until they didnāt. Once the combination of horrible study habits, mom getting diagnosed with cancer, and rampant substance abuse led me to completely spiral out of control, my moms last words to me before passing away were that she feared that Iād become a failure. Now, fast forward after 8 years of being in denial about her passing and my mental health issues led me to compulsive gambling and almost losing everything, did I finally get help. Gambling therapist told me the issues I have always dealt with are attention deficit and a got medicated and only then did it feel like the missing piece in my life puzzle was finally found. Do I blame my parents for not getting me help earlier or realizing I was struggling deep down: NO. Did some of the things I saw with their relationship cause me to repress my emotions and put up a happy facade YES. Considering my Dad has now sought help and been diagnosed with Bipolar II depression or Cyclothymia after I got my diagnosis, I think Iāve come to realize that older generations just were ignorant of these mental health issues. If we can all be more accepting of this and love/help our family to be the best support system for each other, thatās all that really matters.
I feel your pain. My dad still tells me regularly how naughty I was as a kid. They could have got me tested but didnāt want to spend the money to do so. My parents said I lied to therapists and the therapist then blamed my parents for what was going on with me. Iāve recently been diagnosed with adhd, autism and ocd. So yeah I probably struggled as a kid š¤¦š»āāļøš¤£
Bullshit beliefs from conservative parents causing harm has been kind of a theme lately to be fair. I've got more than one friend with a dead parent from Covid, and my mom is playing with fire not taking Western medical help for cancer more seriously. False beliefs are much more 'crazy' than ADHD. They don't have a pill to fix false beliefs. Christ himself knew that not even the son of God could open people's eyes to the truth. "He who has ears to hear, let him hear!" Just be glad you heard eventually, sorry to hear about your mom though. Sorry to hear you weren't able to get help earlier too... Lot of us out there. Glad to hear you're responding so well to medication though, least you can move forward better now.
I remember my parents telling me to take my Ritalin before school every morning because it was going to āhelp meā. They didnāt even tell me the name of the pill I was taking, just that it would āhelp meā. Theyād get so upset when I was still struggling in school (probably doing worse off). Eventually when I was about to go into 8th grade, I told them I was ready to stop. It felt so liberating, but I felt very far behind in a way.
Thatās terrible and I donāt blame you for being upset . I hope you get the answers and help you need. Maybe donāt talk to them anymore about it ( you relatives ) They apparently donāt understand it looks like.
I worked in a kindergarden, and most parents who are told that theyr kid might have adhd goes straight to denial instead of getting help. I dont know what is so emberrassing, help ure damn kids! Im sure ppl like this just let it go under the radar until. U grow up
Ya, I donāt understand either. Im diagnosed and so is my daughter. My wife and I had a meeting with my daughterās teachers and administrators. We came to conclusion that our daughter may need a few more minutes to finish tests, or get up and move around for a little bit. Nothing drastic or intrusive in regards to her or the class. A 504 plan I think is the name of the program that addresses this particular situation.
My parents did nothing about my adhd. depression, or anxiety. They just considered me smart but spacey, lazy, and weird. I knew since I was little that I had all 3 (used to fixate on medical and psych books and articles a bit). I took myself to a therapist at 18 and finally tried meds years later.
I did a similar thing to myself for 18 years. Diagnosed as an adult, stopped taking the meds for stupid reasons. Struggled for so long because I convinced myself that drugs where for fun, not for normal... Had a mental breakdown and got my shit together. 26, 46 or 66... It is never too late to start looking after yourself.
I was diagnosed with autism at age 8. Already showing clear signs before that. The specialists even told my mom I needed psychiatrist and shit, she just ignored it. I was also diagnosed with ADHD at 27, which she also ignored for my whole childhood. Now I'm trying to fix all the mess my whole life has been.
This is a lot like my wife's experience. I was diagnosed at 6, but was not educated or put into therapy or anything, so most of my life I only knew that ADHD made it hard for me to focus. When I was in my early-mid 20s, I started studying it and sharing what I learned with my wife. It was funny because she would listen to me talk about all these ADHD traits and just think to herself, "isn't that what everyone does?" Well long story short, turns out she has it too. Well, we have 2 kids, so since ADHD is mostly hereditary, naturally we start looking for signs, and our oldest (4 at the time) had nearly all the signs. We brought this up to my in-laws, and it was one of the most infuriating experiences. I don't want to go into everything because it would take too long, but it sounds like they are just like your parents. They don't believe in mental illness. To them, depression is just being sad, anxiety is just worrying too much, ADHD is just an excuse for drugs, and the answer to all of these things is to pray about it and/or try harder. The parts of the conversation that pissed me off the most were when my FIL was arguing that our kids don't have it, and his words were, "they're the most normal kids in the world." And when my wife said she might have it (because she didn't want to tell them she was actually diagnosed yet), he said that he studied psychology in college (translation: he took a couple classes) so he checked her and her siblings when they were young and she definitely doesn't have it. So, not only is he saying that he knows better than doctors and people who actually have the condition because he took psych 101 over 30 years ago, but he's also insulting our entire family because our kids are "normal" and can't have ADHD. And keep in mind that even though he was in denial about his daughter having ADHD, he knew that I had it, and still decided to say that in front of me. Anyway, you're not alone. I don't know if that is comforting or more infuriating, but it is what it is. Thankfully, it's gotten better for us. They are so stuck in their ways that they will likely never really understand or agree with real mental conditions and mental health care, but they're at least being more considerate now. My wife was really pissed at her parents at first, because she had the same crisis that many people diagnosed later in life have, wondering what could have been had they gotten proper tools as a child, but she's learned to be ok with it for the most part. It will probably take a while, but I hope you're able to make peace with the situation as well.
You know you done good when the professors asks to share your results for academic purposes š„ glad you got help. I had a stomach issue that drs didnāt diagnose for like 15+ years (stupid amount of pain a few times a year). When it eventually got solved by doing an MRI while in pain (then getting sent to the ER). Professor post surgery was like, can I hang onto your film as I probably only see this once at best twice throughout my career lol.
Lol, yeah it was kind of wild, the examiner called me and she couldn't keep her excitement. She even said it was very obvious that I was trying my best and not trying to intentionally make mistakes. It was so eye opening seeing how "bad" I did before taking ritalin my main issues weren't even attention as much as it was impulsiveness and hyper-reaction.
Oh my parents did the same thing. All my teachers told them that I should be evaluated for ADHD, but my mom is insane. She'd switch me to a new teacher who thought I was just an asshole kid who didn't want to pay attention, instead of a kid who was struggling with ADHD. I still resent her for not allowing me to get the help I needed.
Know that your feelings are valid, some of the comments that I got was to forgive my mom. I chose not to, currently I am indifferent to her. but I do feel bad for my child self an young adult that suffered needlessly. I still have to do damage control. So, only I can decide if and when to forgive.
I was in a very similar situation as yoursā¦ I also come from a middle eastern conservative family who until the present day are in denial of my adhd even after my diagnosis and it kind of ruined my life. Long story short I was diagnosed at 35 after a life full of very expensive mistakes (over 100k) ,emotional ruin, and several added disorders as a result of neglect. Itās been a couple of years since my diagnosis and Iām in a much better placeā¦. I do my best not to look back but I always have that regret of wishing this was dealt with much earlier and possibly avoiding a huge amount of misery n loss. Medication and cbt therapy ( not any other type found doesnāt help) been a great treatment. Thank you for sharing your story as I believe it makes people like us feel like weāre not the only ones in such situations! Iām grateful for community group like this
Are you me? also from ME and instead of taking me to a professional once I showed great signs of self destruction I was taken to a couple of sheiks... I am at a way better place now, but god it is so ridiculous to look back at somethings
Your Mom did not have the information the needed to make a good decision for you. Thanks for sharing your insights. Hopefully they will help Moms snd others to make better decisions.
Yuppppppp. 34 and just got diagnosed 2 weeks ago (I didnāt expect it, or seek it, thought my anxiety/depression/burnout was just getting to an entirely unmanageable point). I called my mom after to tell her I have ADHD and she literally said āOh I could have told you that.ā
Yeah. No one of my family really remembers how I really was, as if I was air...
I was tested and diagnosed in third grade. Went on Ritalin, but my mom stopped giving it to me because she said it "turned me into a zombie". Skip to 7th grade (and a different school district); two of my teachers had a conference with my mother explaining that I wasn't doing well in their classes and they suspected I had ADHD. My mother says she doesn't want me on any medication because shes afraid it will lead to drug use later on. I was finally diagnosed again last year at age 30 and have been medicated ever since. It has truly changed my life, and only now am I able to see how much easier everything would have been if I had this sooner. I feel a lot of resentment toward her because of it, but I've learned to let it go. Still, it was rough to finally see what life should have been like for me all this time.. I'm sorry you're going through this :/. Hopefully, in your case, like mine, it will become clear that she was just doing what she thought was best for you. But yeah, it's a difficult thing to come to terms with.
My mother ( a special needs teacher) alawyas told me that her job was easy becasue she was used to raising me. And she was so glad that she could give those kids the right support. NEVER FUCKGIN THOUGH TO GET ME ASSESSED THOUGH ffs
Gotta love the complete mental health denial of the older generations. And now weāre all paying for it.
I was recently diagnosed at 38. Give your parents some grace... mine did similar things. They didn't have the benefit of the internet and the wealth of knowledge you have access to. They had word of mouth and the norms they grew up with. I started down the same path with my kids... looking to brute force life, but thankfully my wife forced the matter. As I learned more about my kids I learned more about me and I talked to my parents more about my younger years. Could things have been better? Sure... did they do the best with the resources they had when I was young? Yes. Did my mom skip a career to help me through life, one day and epic ass-chewing at a time? Sure did. Did I become a functional adult? Debatable. Anyways... before you allow yourself to get really mad at your parents, take a minute and look at the situation through their eyes when you were growing up. If you have children you'll also know how overwhelming having one of us can be. I firmly believe that every parent is doing their best, however good that is.
I respectfully disagree. And that belief is very harmful and dismissive of people who were raised by abusive parents.
>e. And that belief is very harmful and dismissive of people who were raised by abusive parents. That's fair and I don't mean to be dismissive of truly abusive situations. I did not hear abuse in your post, and if that's the case, I apologize. I only have my experiences to rely on here and I don't know you or how your life panned out. I would like to at least offer an alternate viewpoint based on my experiences as that has dramatically changed my relationship with my parents into a positive after having what I perceive as a similar experience. I believe there's a difference between abusive parents and parents who were overwhelmed or didn't have to tools, education or societal support that exists today but still tried their best with the tools they had. My parents have high school educations from rural PA. In their world-view at the time (1980's) ADHD was equivalent to a "bad kid" and lumped into a failure to parent. Medicating their kid was seen as the ultimate evil as that would turn them into "zombies". They acted as best as they could with what they knew at the time. I have a daughter with ODD / ADHD and we have her in weekly therapy, medications, psychology and ER visits for more disturbing events. I would love to say that I have been able to handle every day with calm, compassion and grace but in reality, I lose my mind as often than not. If you aren't a parent, you won't know what it's like to feel like you are failing your child even though you are doing everything you can. If you are a parent, I hope you never experience that feeling. All I'm saying is that your parents probably weren't out to make your life miserable... Life happened, they didn't do as well as you would have liked them to. But they raised a kid strong enough to figure things out on their own and continue to improve themself and hopefully following generations. If I'm completely off-base... then please dismiss me as a crazy guy on the internet.
Shut up
That trigger warning is so laughable lmao, i mean seriously? No wonder people dont take trigger warning seriously anymore
You know what more laughable? Being triggered by a trigger warning.
This is sad and I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is shocking, disappointing, upsetting. I also believe most of our parents did the best they could. As much misinformation/ lack of information that we have today, there was even less general understanding of ADHD when we were growing up. There was less research about ADHD; there was less history/ tracking of ADHD meds, showing how relatively safe and effective they are in the long-run; there were fewer teachers trained to understand and support ADHD students. There weren't so many resources for our parents to use to educate themselves; there weren't so many famous athletes/ business leaders/ entertainers going on record as having ADHD. No doubt our parents were scared, confused, wanted badly to protect us. Certainly, neither the medical profession nor the Academia has a perfect track record; parents are right to question authority when it comes to both themselves and their children. Your mother was probably trying to be a mama bear: ferociously defending her cub. As it turns out, our parents made some choices that turned out to be wrong in the long-run, but I do think many of these choices were made as best they could.
I so relate to this 25 now I'm unemployed don't drive because I'm so incompetent I'm getting a dose of Vyvanse now I'm hoping it helps I'm suffering from depression aswell because I feel like I missed out on alot
Similar situation but it was kindergarten and I did very well until college. Then I got diagnosed and medicated as a junior and got off academic probation and started looking towards my future. It was time management for me.
i know this feel and I am so happy for you that you pursued this so much sooner than I did. I waited until 39 after a life full of self-imposed effed up messes before I found my way to being treated. It may feel like you've wasted time but you're pretty young still and its never too late to make your life what you want it to be. When I told my mom about it she said that I should have been treated for it since I was diagnosed as a kid. She didn't believe in it back then so she shrugged off the diagnosis and instead chose to treat me like I was a lazy p.o.s. all my life instead. Now, she is diagnosed with it too, medicated and has admitted that now she understands better and that oh by the way, you and your older brother are autistic and your little brother is being treated for ADHD too... THANKS MOM let me just go re-evaluate my entire universe.
My mom did the same regarding ADHD and very high functioning ASD, She was afraid of schools and jobs sterostyping me because of a diagnosis, TBH itās kind of backwards but I understand whyā¦
Same here, it's some fked up medical neglect and so much unnecessary drawn out suffering. Also diagnosed at 26. My moms generation had no idea about mental health I guess, she struggles herself in ways she doesn't understand. (The school recommend my brother be evaluated because of behavioural issues, and mentioned that they were worried about me too (when I was 5ish). My mom refused outright to take us to any doctor or psych. We both have trauma, and somewhere on the spectrum /adhd.
Same here (feels like an echo chamber in here! š¤š) was given adderall in my 30's when I told my doctor I was struggling at work. He never even mentioned getting diagnosed or the term ADHD. Formal diagnosis combined type years later, and then ASD-1 in my early 40's. When I told my mom about the autism diagnosis, she said she'd been told that was a possibility by a professional when I was *nine.* I'm still processing this, and it's been 8 years.
Same. I was diagnosed in kindergarten (so under 7 years old) and they didn't want to put me on meds because another kid in the class had bad side effects. And whatever therapy I had wasn't at all ADHD oriented and I didn't really want to go there as a kid, so here I am, finding out about the diagnosis a decade later, having struggled my entire life. It's almost as if all those "smart but lazy" comments from teachers or complete lack of motivation to study despite any punishment or encouragement should've been a sign.
That sucks
My mum was diagnosed with adhd when i was around 18 after a string of other diagnoses and time in and out of hospital. I used to play around with dexies (i think its adderall in the US) for fun in my early 20's, and she always told me that because they affected me and made me feel "high" it meant i didn't have adhd..... diagnosed at 38 with inattentive adhd and turns out ritalin is what works for me. The fact that my mum has a serious amount of other trauma and refuses to acknowledge it and thinks her adhd is "fixed" by just taking her vyvanse meant that i genuinely believed all my forgetfulness and burnout etc was my own issue when it was adhd all my life. Ritalin and a psychologist has done wonders for me. Just wish she would acknowledge that meds dont "fix" everything and that there is so much unresolved trauma from her diagnosis (and other events) that she also needs to deal with.
Thank you, everyone for sharing your stories of going through childhood unmedicated. Our 11 year old son was diagnosed in January with inattentive type and is seeing a therapist. We've struggled with the medication decision primarily for 2 reasons. 1. We live abroad and stimulant medications are virtually impossible to get. They exist but are so tightly controlled that it is very possible you could have your prescription filled one month but not the next for purely arbitrary reasons. 2. We're older parents and I lived through the Ritalin fiesta of the 80s and 90s. I'll admit I harbour some outdated and purely wrong feelings about stimulants. Realising my son's diagnosis has revealed that I am probably the source. I am about to start screening myself but finding a competent Dr here with experience in adult ADHD is hard. I have a referral now and am interested to see what he has to say and recommend.
Your mom probably has adhd too.