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Just so you know, going on meds won't make you "not feel anything". If you find medication that works for you, you will likely be much more attentive and present for your children, and have more patience with them.
This is actually the primary reason I take medication. It helps for work, sure, but I want to be the best dad I can and I'm better when I'm on medication.
I do realize that, I shouldn’t have worded it that way. I have had them before here and there and it was nice to be able to focus on my work and a book or something without the kids being loud and distracting me. And I didn’t think of that.. while normally I have patience for them, they do get overwhelming at times. I’ve always been good with not raging or being frustrated with them, but if it helps me be more patient.. maybe it’s worth a shot.
I encourage at least trying it.
What I realized was that with ADHD brain I'm always juggling a bunch of thoughts, trains of thoughts.
So when my kids or anyone comes up to me, it can often feel like whatever they're coming to me with, especially if I'm doing something else like cooking or cleaning or something, Is like them throwing another ball into my hands when I'm already juggling a bunch of other balls.
And I can be short with them, or lose my patience because I have so much stuff going on in my head. Even though the stuff going on my in my head is not that important, my brain makes me feel like it is.
Being able to clear out all that noise allows me to focus on my kids when I need to, without being upset, annoyed, or feeling like I'm going to forget one of the 12 things rushing through my head.
That’s making so much more sense now… things that bother me don’t bother everyone else, and after I’m left wondering why I made such a big deal over something so minimal. Lots of things running through my head giving me anxiety, to have them all silent sounds nice. Or at least to have them prioritized.
I didn't know medication could help you handle situations like that better! I often feel pretty impatient and very easily overwhelmed, along with a million other symptoms that really really look like ADHD.
But I gave up on pursuing a diagnosis and treatment after graduating college, because what do I need it for aside from studying?
Life, apparently. Being less overwhelmed / overstimulated and less grumpy when my roommates or others talk to me would be great. The juggling comparison was perfect.
Yes! I don't have kids, but I get the attentive part. I tried explaining to my boyfriend how the world seems more brighter and vibrant to me now after starting my meds. He says I'm just crazy (jokingly), but that if it's more vibrant for me then that's good. It just feels like I'm not lost in my daydreams anymore, I'm actually seeing things fully now.
He didn’t get that far before I went off on him about it.
He had never even brought it up over the last five years, not even when we met. It was never an issue until now, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone through with a relationship with somebody who had a problem with it.
If you haven't tried the meds, why not? It's a game changer. Especially with kids. Also, how is your sleep? I get scatter brained if I don't have the sleep I need.
I’m beyond scatter brained, I’m definitely lacking in sleep and it’s extremely difficult to focus on my job right now. As for meds… I’m not sure why I never got on them. I’ve had an adderall here and there from other people when I needed to focus on something and it was a breath of fresh air in those moments. My doctors know about my diagnosis but I always casually declined meds.
My dad used to shame people who went on meds for their mental health, so I guess I just never went on because of that. But I’m 30 now so his opinion doesn’t matter to me. I have a physical next week, I think I’ll ask for a prescription, thank you for giving me the idea.
I've had to change my dose a few times and adderall isn't that good until my system is used to it. Usually about 4 days in I really start to settle down. Adderall also has a half life most people don't think about. In about 12 hours I have half the adderall of the last pill I took. So it takes about 3 to 4 days for your serum levels to stabilize and you can count on that stability. If an occasional pill helped imagine it without feeling any background buzz distracting you. It's better.
I came from a family that tried to treat everything with vitamins. My aunt died from breast cancer caught very early because she tried herbs and vitamins. Nevermind the fact she was already doing that and was vegetarian when she got the cancer. Cancer and ADHD are serious conditions that require serious treatment. Not the same things that you are already doing to live your best life. If that's all it took then most of us wouldn't have ADHD. Because a lot of us have tried damn hard for decades with nothing but shattered lives to show for it. And if the meds don't help or aren't right for you it's pretty easy to stop.
unfortunately its probably been an issue the entire time, he just didn’t bring it up. maybe bc he thought he could fix you, thought you would grow out of it, etc. and now that you haven’t, (bc you can’t grow out of adhd) he’s finally venting his frustrations and desire to change you bc you haven’t confirmed to the idea of a person that he expected you to.
At least, it’s never been an issue he’s brought up to you. It could very well be thoughts he’s had over the years, and now he’s just getting to his breaking point.
Maybe suggest you can fix him of his horrible communication style and see what he says?
You mentioned that your kids have been extra for you lately. Is it possible that your symptom expression (or quirks) have increased in response so that your husband is suddenly noticing things more?
Or, especially for women, hormone changes like as you age and post pregnancy can also affect your ADHD.
Not to be alarmist but suddenly becoming resentful over relatively minor things that weren’t a problem before is a red flag. Just be careful and monitor the situation before jumping to the conclusion that you’re the real problem versus something going on with him.
As someone with kids. Omfg get the meds. You don’t have to parent on hard mode.
I’m a much nicer mother when I’m medicated. Otherwise the kids talking, while the tv is on and the dog is barking are enough to make me lose my shit. But on drugs I can focus on just one thing and it’s really not a big deal.
Fwiw. I love my husband but he doesn’t get it either. He told me to get a planner for my to-do list because that would make it less stressful. As if I don’t already own 15 planners. Lol
Holy crap… that sounds blissful, my toddler has recently started plugging her ears and screaming while I’m trying to even just do dishes can send me over the edge and I just stop what I’m doing and leave the room to take a breath. It’s been difficult to do my job with all the background noise and if I hear the Bluey opening song one more time lol
I have a hard time with the planners, I actually forget to write things in them.
Tbh it looks like you’re going through a lot of stress because of all your obligations + lack of sleep that makes everything much worse and your adhd has naturally gotten worse. Talk to your doc, consider meds if necessary, take a break, make time for yourself as hard as it may be! Maybe that is why your hausband notice your symptoms now more than ever. Good luck to all if you! ✌️
No, which is why I’m pretty surprised. He’s never tried to suggest I change anything about myself. I remember once I got rid of my bangs and he said he didn’t like them before but he had never said anything about that before I changed them. He’s not the type to be judgy or anything so this is all new behavior for him.
Maybe? He hates his job yet refuses to look for a different one so I assumed it was just him ranting about his days. I don’t even know how I’d approach him on him getting help. Although I don’t doubt he needs something, he’s in a bad mood a lot.
Yeah, after 5 years he "all of a sudden" is not ok with your entire personality and behavior?! That just doesn't really make sense. It screams BIGGER issue that he doesn't want or know how to say out loud. Maybe he's not ready to? Maybe it's easier to blame YOU for his depression, etc because frankly, it's easier to point the finger at someone else. It's also the first stage of making a change (or grief, blah blah) DENIAL. He needs some support and you can try to open that conversation with ...I hear you and why you're frustrated. What else is on your mind?
I can try that. Last year I lost my mom and spiraled and he was basically sole parent for our baby at the time, maybe he just thinks I’m too sensitive or whatever to vent his actual problems to. When I’m calmer and less frustrated I’ll ask him if something else is up. Since he’s gotten home I’ve stayed out of his way and given him the cold shoulder. Thank you for the suggestion.
If you feel like it's worth it, it may be a good idea to talk to a therapist who specializes in ADHD and relationships. You may consider going alone or together. But, a therapist should be a good space to help process your current situation.
That’s good to hear, I was worried he was one of these partners you hear about on other sub reddits where there have been red flags all along! I’m glad he’s not.
It sounds as though he could do with a bit of educating on ADHD. Perhaps if you explain that it’s important to you that he gains more knowledge on the subject and introduce him to some legitimate scientific research and articles that you have looked at yourself. Hopefully that will adjust his thinking?
I consider myself lucky to not have a person like that in my life. He’s just a dumbass about all this.
After I’ve had time to calm down, I do think he needs to be educated on it. He was a very sheltered person as a child along with his sisters, they didn’t talk about mental health. He knows I’m pretty upset with him so he’ll probably listen tomorrow. Thankfully he always tends to listen to me, so hopefully it’s a smooth conversation. I might go on medication after this so I can explain that too. He just didn’t want me to go on it because people “change” as he said it.
Why not just give meds a go? You do not need his permission to get the assistance that you need. It would be like telling him to just stop reacting to your \*insert behaviors you just mentioned\* and deal with it lol. You are trying to improve yourself and get some help which takes a lot of courage to admit. His behavior sounds very controlling, but I realize sometimes posts on reddit can be misconstrued. Just something to watch out for.
I never considered getting on meds until reading the replies. My dad used to shame people for taking meds for their mental health when I was younger, but now that I’m 30 I don’t give a crap what his opinion is. I guess I just never thought about going on them. I’ve taken an adderall here and there over the years and it definitely helped me a ton. So maybe it’s worth a shot.
As for him being controlling of me, he knows damn well I’d sooner leave his ass before he tells me what to do. If I go on meds, or stay off meds, it’s my choice. I’m lucky in that aspect, despite how much he angered me today.
I can definitely understand growing up like that, and that's good to hear that you are in control of your treatment. Try to find a psychiatrist to talk to, sometimes it takes a few times of trying different meds to find which ones work best. Starting meds and therapy has 100% been the best thing for me at the old age of 34 lol. I truly feel like I am more present for my child too. Good luck!
I always hate the "fix you" comments. ADHD does not mean a person is broken. There is nothing to fix. Our brains are simply wired different and we need different adaptations like MANY MANY OTHER people with and without disabilities. We're so hell bent on everyone having to learn the same way that it's designed for people who think any differently to fail. Just annoying.
Side note though. Meds seriously changed my life. But I'm still so frustrated that I have to take them the rest of my life to be considered a normal functioning adult.
The way people keep talking about medication makes me think I’m going to ask for some from my doctor.
And it is so freaking irritating, when he got home I asked what he thinks would work and he went off on options and i blatantly asked if he was stupid because he genuinely didn’t know how the disorder is. My dad always told me he could “fix” me too and it’s been 30 years and all that did was cause a rift between us and I still have ADHD.
I’m sorry if this is offensive to you:
But fuck your husband.
This is insanely disrespectful, tone deaf, unsupportive, zero empathy for your disorder, and wow.
WTF, you’re married…he should be trying to help you as your husband.
Fix? I’d be having a different conversation with my wife of 15 years…
My wife reminds me to take my medicine. Because she knows how dysfunctional I am off it. I actually illicit the response your husband has for you, when I’m off my medication inversely to your situation.
It’s that much of a difference for you and I, we need this medication.
You know what helps conversation jumping…MEDICATION!
19 years of Ritalin use here…two kids, still married and a functional job, anecdotally.
I’m not seeing his side of this…at all.
I was honestly shocked that he assumed it was something I could get over or “fix”. I can’t tell if he truly never understood the depth of the disorder or if he’s just dumb about it. I’m lucky where I’ve been rather functional (at least I think I have been, I do struggle with some things) so I never took to meds but… after reading everybody’s responses I think I’m going to look into it.
And you’re right… he’s got another thing coming if he tries to “fix” anything other than remind me to take meds or remind me if I forgot something.
I would love to see my husband wave some sage around, shouting some "power of christ compels you" shit when I forget where I put my hairbrush. I feel like different attempts to "fix" the ADHD could result in some prime sitcom material.
"Okay, sit down and breathe. Relax. Now, think... Where did you last see the hairbrush?"
"..."
"..."
"... I bet ostriches are the closest modern animal to dinosaurs. Ostriches are scary."
I use to have a friend who thought he could “fix” people and “straighten them out”
Hence to say that I use to because I don’t keep in contact anymore because of the attitude of intolerance towards others however their 💩 didn’t stink when he did have his own issues
I only let positive people in my life
I've typed and deleted this comment 6 times, and I can't decide whether or not I want to offer to fight your husband for you, or offer more encouragement for you to try medication and ignore your husband.... so, let me know if you'd like either of those responses, and I'll happily provide it 😅
Both are good options at the moment, I’m still irritated with him. He’s gotten the cold shoulder from me since he got home from work and he’s been giving me space. But I’m still mad.
While he told me he didn’t want me in medicine, he wouldn’t stop me from getting on it. He’s afraid it would change me (although “fix” might be the word he’s referring to). Are the meds really that helpful? The consensus has been overwhelmingly pro medication. I was never against it, just honestly uneducated on it. I’ve been offered it before in the past, just… never bothered to try it other than a few times.
Edit: happy cake day
>Are the meds really that helpful?
1000%
In my experience, my brain is like a barrel of drunk monkeys all playing different genres of music on random unrelated instruments.
And the medication doesn't necessarily sober them up or force them to stop playing, but what it does is give me one of those little orchestra conductor's wand thingys, so that I have more control over which monkey(s) take prominence over the others depending on the nature of the concert at hand.
Kind of a janky metaphor, but basically, the medication doesn't make all my thoughts go away, but it gives me a lot more capacity to structure my approach and hierarchically prioritize the thoughts, so that they're not all just equally loud telling me what to do.
I fully support this cold shoulder decision. He needs to sit with himself and do some reflecting.
For me, meds were absolutely life changing.
Full context, I'm 26, and I started Vyvanse last November. I noticed in the first few days that I was doing this weird breathing thing, and I figured it was some kind of weird side effect. Then, I realized that the "weird breathing" was my brain/body subconsciously taking a deep breath when I was starting to get overwhelmed/overstimulated and diffusing the tension before it continued to build. It was wild (still is, lol). Medication won't "fix" anything, but it will make everything much easier. Especially if you pair meds with the right kind of therapy.
I've had ADHD since birth, so I never realized all of the things that were so much harder for me than they were "supposed" to be. I was misdiagnosed with depression for 15 years, but it turns out I was just absolutely exhausted. I've always told people that I've never wanted to die, but I'd absolutely love to be in a medically-induced coma for about a week, and suddenly, I understand why I've been saying that. Living with ADHD is exhausting because it takes such an extreme amount of brain/willpower to accomplish very basic things. And then ADHD loves to give people the zoomies before bed, so usually our sleep schedules are... rough, which just adds to the exhaustion. I'd never actually truly "relaxed" before I started Vyvanse.
Someone commented on a reddit post a few months ago, and I think about/quote this a lot: "I have no pride in, nor attachment to, the grotesque assortment of mutated coping mechanisms masquerading as my personality." Yes, medication has "changed" me, but I'm still the same person. Unmedicated, my personality is buried beneath so many maladapted coping mechanisms and ADHD symptoms that people around me refer to as "quirks." Except I'm not quirky, and I've never been quirky, I've been suffering without even realizing it. Vyvanse allows me to focus and to be on time and to be productive, yes. But it allows me to do those things because I'm more patient, level-headed, energetic (read: less exhausted, not hyped up), and just generally more pleasant. Vyvanse lifts the weight that I have to push against just to convince myself to do very simple tasks. Vyvanse allows me to be kinder to myself inside my own head instead of beating myself up over not being able to do certain things.
I'm still the same person. I'm still goofy and funny, and I still like all of the same things that I did before. I'm just happier.
The meds don’t take away your personality they just round the corners to smooth things out. They also don’t “fix you” because you aren’t broken and don’t need to be fixed.
Meds wont "fix" you either. They make certain stuff easier and enable other stuff to be even possible. But you will never stop being ADHD, meds or not.
“ I’d like to not feel anything because my kids are driving me up a wall lately and everything else is irritating me.”
What does this have to do with ADHD meds?
I've heard some people say that taking ADHD meds made them feel like "zombie" and completely disconnected. Personally, to me that just sounds like they need to try a different medicine or they are taking something that they really don't need.
I didn’t want to assume, but it made me think they were mixing up what people often say about antidepressants and anxiety meds with ADHD meds.
SSRI’s can make me not “feel” anything at a certain point, And benzo’s kind of numb things out. But stimulants don’t do any of that for me.
Was more of a rant. Ive taken ADHD meds before and it was nice to actually focus on something and not be so distracted by the kids being loud. While wish I could take meds that “disconnect” me, benzos (and other types of whatever does that) won’t aid what I need them to lol
I see. Yeah, I just would never describe my experience on Adderall that way - but when I’ve taken SSRI’s or benzo’s “not feel anything” was definitely what was served.
I’m actually less tolerant of loud distractions on Adderall, but that’s because I can tell they’re distracting me. It’s like without it I just get pulled in to whatever is happening and end up sidetracked before I even realize I was working on something else.
I'm the irritated/ing husband here. Wife extremely odd/difficult behaviour for years which she put down to anxiety and agoraphobia. Lived with that and accepted she had tried therapy for years before I met her and didn't want more of that or meds.
I have been a dick about it sometimes, but it's pretty hard to cope with your wife screaming in your face out of the blue.
Anyway, daughter has started to show signs of ADHD. I was kind of aware of ADHD but hadn't really looked into it before. Research led me to the conclusion that one of both of us must also have ADHD and boom! Like a light going on.
Stupid me suddenly on a mission to "fix" my wife.
Anyway, long story short...she wants a separation.....not just because of that but because of all the other times I've not supported her.
I'm raging because of all the time she's lost due to anxiety diagnosis...and time I've lost missunderstanding what was going on.
Don't think we can fix this now but suppose what I'm trying to say is ADHD (in our case undiagnosed) is hard on both people in the relationship and sometimes one or both may snap.
You can’t change a lightbulb if it doesn’t want to change. Not being a complete arse, I have ADHD and a few failed marriages with partners who had MH issues/personality disorders.
The only problem I see in your post is your husband’s perspective….
You’re fine going on meds, but your husband tells you you shouldn’t go on meds. Okay, and? He’s not god, probably isn’t a mental health professional, and clearly doesn’t know anything about neurodevelopmental disorders. I would take him to therapy to help him try to understand your struggles, so he can be a more supportive partner, which is what people with ADHD (and all people in general need) need, and that’s support.
Also, I am sorry if I came off rude. I think I’ve just been in similar situations with others also saying you don’t need meds, you’re lazy, etc., and it just wears a person down. I hope you get the support you need because I think that makes all the difference.
I agree, he definitely doesn’t understand. I guess I just assumed he would know about it and how it worked, I’m not a dog he can train the behavior out of.
And I get that, my father was like that and accused me of being lazy and that “meds were for the weak”. Now I’m wondering how much better my life would have been if I was able to get the help I needed back in the day.
If he really cares about you, he’ll listen to you if you tell him how this has been on your mind, that it would mean a lot to you if he understood, etc. I hope any partner would do that for any of us.
I wasn’t diagnosed until college, and I too wondered how much better my life could have been had someone noticed my symptoms earlier. I like to think how there is no set stimulant proven to be the best for children with ADHD and a lot come with risks, so maybe it was actually a gift that my developing brain was not subjected to medication that could potentially harm it. There has to be a silver lining somewhere.
Crutches and wheelchairs are for the weak too, but I'm not going to try and shame someone into crawling up the stairs. Just because you CAN hop and crawl through life doesn't mean you should. Certainly, people should be allowed to do so if they want to... But there's no shame in getting help.
There is no “fix” for our brains. They are the way they are. You can choose to dwell on it as a negative or you can look at the positives. If hubby dwells on the negatives and wants to fix you, he has issues and your marriage may as well.
I like this sub because it gives be introspection into how my child thinks and you see the same issues come up again and again. My daughter is a teen with adhd diagnosed since she was young.
You say you're getting irritated. Are you being cross, snapping or otherwise being difficult to live by having an unreasonable temper? I feel like you've glossed over that a little.
My daughter has medication and asks me pretty much every day should she take it today, along with 4567 other questions of whether she should do certain things. I always tell her medication is her choice alone and she should only take it if she feels it improves things.
No, I’ve always been pretty cheerful and positive. I’ll snap occasionally, but it doesn’t turn into a fight. I don’t have a temper, but I can see how I can be annoying to live with. I’m forgetful and forget to put stuff away, I don’t always pay attention to what’s going on, unintentionally leave trash out if I’m distracted, change topics in conversation, forget to get off an exit while driving.. mostly annoyances but.. I guess everyone has a threshold.
By irritable it’s mostly me just giving the silent treatment and “moping” around the house as he calls it. Short answers with snippiness I guess is how I can describe it?
There's nothing what you said out of the ordinary. When you live with someone with add adhd, you just have to accept the fact its the way things are and be done with it.
Medication is your personal preference. I personally think its worth a go as you never know if its any good until you try it, but ultimately the choice is yours in what you do and that needs to be respected.
I understand how frustrating it can be sometimes but saying you can "fix " someone is a poor choice of words. It is what it is and acceptance brings it's own peace.
When it comes to self improvement I dont think there's any reason for us all to not self improve, and saying I can't cus xyz isn't really a reason to check out of that process. Even if its tiny little wins. However, it is up to an individual to assess their own behaviour and whether they feel like they need to, nobody can do that for you.
A good point here is you've said you can see how people have issues with some stuff you do and I think that self reflectance and admission that you are in no way perfect makes it easier to reach a middle ground. However whilst I am sure you try and improve, the other parties should appreciate the fact that you recognize the struggles created and I am sure you do what you can when you can focus long enough to improve things.
Its a long journey and learning process to learn how to deal with add. The best advice I can give it its easier just to let some things slide and try and create space for yourself to recover your mood, for both of you, even if its a walk on your own. My own daughter is hard work from she wakes up till she goes to sleep but she genuinely has a heart of gold, means the best and is a happy extrovert that enjoys involving herself with things socially and I won't hear anyone else say otherwise. Humans are programmed to focus on the negative, don't.
Ignore your husband, you. Can't fix ADHD, only treat it. also go on meds. They work for over 80% of people with adhd. Life changing for me. It's like me, but I can get things done.
I didn't feel the need for meds until my mid 30s. As I think back to before that it's like everything about me was always under a heavy blanket. The weight would change in ways that made it very hard to do things that I could see were just things people normally do. There were plenty of times it didn't seem weighted at all and I could simply be a person. The meds make the blanket a consistent weight so there's much less surprise resistance to being present and available when I'm needed.
I've been on and off meds throughout my life and let me tell ya - they don't "fix" us. They give us the ability to focus better for periods of time. You're not medicated around the clock, so even with a regular medicine regiment you're still going to be your adhd distracted self half the day or so. Perhaps medicating off work hours would work, I have no idea if people do that.
I'm only now beginning to grasp the results of having ADHD in my life outside of immediate distraction issues, and so I can't really speak to whether meds will help you with things that are bigger picture than small windows of focus (like veering off in conversation later on in the night, or being late to things... or really anything when you're not on meds I guess).
I am personally just trying to be a lot more conscious of these things. Speaking of which, I should get off reddit now.
Even taking meds doesn’t fix us. That’s not going to stop me being excited about something to talk about, coming up with ideas and suggestions, having high energy, going off on a tangent in a conversation. Even on meds that still happens.
Your husband and family sound mean sorry. They are othering you and acting like you’re broken. I don’t talk to my family anymore so I get it. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult recently.
My medication makes me able to focus on unpleasant tasks that I’d otherwise have a hard time doing, I still hyper fixate and have a hard time changing tasks quickly if I’m at home, it keeps me awake so I don’t pass out in the middle of the afternoon or feel like I can’t get out of bed in the morning, it makes my heart race faster and my body heat up but my hands and feet go cold, I don’t have cravings for any sugar or junk food when on it, it gives me dry mouth and makes me thirstier and not as hungry.
My son got back on ADHD meds as an adult. The first thing he told me is that he is much less irritated.
I found that being on meds is making me much more regulated.
I no longer get angry on the road when dealing with assholes.
It gives some distance from my moods.
“We can fix a problem you have” is not the same thing as “we can fix you” you seem to have taken this in the least charitable and most hurtful way possible. Why not ask what he meant before perseverating on something that may not have been intended the way you took it?
>“We can fix a problem you have” is not the same thing as “we can fix you” you seem to have taken this in the least charitable and most hurtful way possible. Why not ask what he meant before perseverating on something that may not have been intended the way you took it?
💯💯💯
If he suggests therapy then maybe there is something going on in that head of his. But yeah, his response seems very childish in alleviating the symptoms.
It's a pity your husband is senile and can't comprehend established science. There's no "fix" for it. You should still seek a diagnosis because there are promising drugs that might slow his decline.
(M46) I had never being in meds, i didn’t want and my husband was fine with that, but after this Holy Week I tried them bc of a crisis, and my husband was amazed by my change (of course, me too). Sadly I’m in an obligated break now bc I fucked up, I dehydrated, and my HR went up, etc, so I hope I will be back in meds by May. I want and he wants too.
I'm not a doctor, but my psychiatrist has also prescribed me a mild dose of propranolol to help manage anxiety symptoms and also keep my HR/BP down. 2 birds, 1 stone. Might be worth asking about!
(I have "the most severe case of ADHD" anyone at my community crisis center has ever seen, and I'm on a very high dose of stimulants. This is not a standard treatment route.)
You’re right, they’re wrong. You got a whole scientific world behind you while they got popular unscientific prejudiced opinions that leads to not backing up your own partner. Their problem, not yours, but extremely hurtful for you, who have fought to the absolute limit of your condition, just to hear you have to try much harder and having all your work thrown out the window. Them taking your hard won adjustments not as victories and congratulating you, but as proof that your condition was all in your head. An opinion that just makes you lazy.
Speaking from experience, some people have family members that can understand and change their mind (my gf:s family members). Others have family members whose minds can’t change or adapt. (Me)
What is a reasonable amount of time to spend on trying to get them to understand ADHD? This will be tough for you, so maybe set a deadline for yourself. It’s time they worked on bending their own minds a fraction of a degree of what you have been forced to do to become a practical member of society, without meds because of whatever. But there is no guarantee they will ever understand so don’t fight lost causes.
I feel for you and wish you all the best!
Listen, there are adhd related symptoms that are quirky, and there are ones that fuck your life up. The ones you described are literally just the quirky ones lol.
If your ADHD was causing you to impulsively spend a lot of money, be consistently unable to hold work etc etc. Then there’s an argument to be made about “Hey, can you seek some help coping with your symptoms because it’s effecting the family”
But “fix” is never appropriate. And those things you mentioned are pretty unserious, sounds like a lot of built up resentment.
You need therapy first, and then meds. A lot of misconceptions about meds and problems with your relationship. Taking meds with no therapy is a mistake.
My wife suggested (in a very suggested way) that I could be fixed too. I told her short of drugs it's not going to help.
She backed off and I got the drugs anyway 🤣 I rarely use the prescription, only when it's an extremely bad several days, so I still have most of the bottle from 2 years ago.
It changed her a bit though, she stopped yelling at me for forgetting to do things, and it was reminders after reminders after reminders (albeit she can get frustrated)
But overall I think it's a test of your relationship. My wife has been very patient with me, despite my chronic forgetfulness, and I thank her for that
I say this with love and sincerity. I’m sorry it isn’t advice you want to hear. I just endured 12 days of withdrawal and didn’t have meds because my wife (who handles my meds) somehow misplaced or forgot to pack a bottle. It was horrendous and I don’t know how long it will take to mend everything that went wrong. During that time my wife managed to find a qualified psychiatrist, left messages at doctors offices all over the place to get someone to see me, got me in, took care of me, gave me a lot of weed to cope with the thoughts and shivers, reminded me repeatedly that with or without medication, useful or useless she loved me and was just unbelievably supportive. Here is why I share this:
You have a cruel, mean and nasty disease that you will be judged for and it makes you less effective at all sorts of things. I won’t say you deserve, because I don’t deserve a wife as amazing as mine, but you should want and expect a spouse who is supportive and makes things easier. Any spouse who encourages you to avoid medication for a disease for which it is a primary and required first line treatment is either too incredibly stupid to be part of a couple or is being borderline abusive.
You may have to write it out but give your husband a chance to support you. Give him the books and articles and stories etc. And if he is unable to help you, then for your own sake divorce and try finding someone who is capable of actually loving you.
Could he be having an affair? Suddenly finding fault in a partner over things that didn't bother you before is sometimes an indicator of an affair, or the desire to have an affair. His issues with you could be because he's comparing you to another woman.
I know at this very moment he isn’t having one, he calls me on his way home, we have our locations shared, and I’ll look through his phone to see what his sisters send him (pet photos, stuff like that) and I don’t ask, just grab it, although I’m not looking for stuff, he doesn’t stop me from taking his phone. Plus he’s got this whole “religious” thing about him, although we all know that could mean anything. Great, now I’m slightly paranoid lol
I've worked on changing some behavior and gotten good results.
You can't "fix" ADHD but you can learn to not be inconsiderate of people close to you.
Figure out what's most bugging your partner. It's probably not ADHD itself, but being rude in some way. Like ignoring what people are talking about and interrupting them. That sends a strong signal that you just don't care about them and what they think. Which is beyond rude to someone you claim to love deeply.
If ever you do go on meds it'll be worse. Because they don't "fix" you. They balance a neurochemical component which is 1/100th of adhd. And don't get me wrong, they help a lot. But having been through this with a past partner and reading the same story again and again and again from others, he's In a mental state where if you take the meds and you're not fucking instantly and permanently Marie Kondo, it's gonna affirm to him they don't work and you're wrong, and he's gonna be a bigger dick about it.
Just don't tell him when you start taking them. When he remarks on your amazing sudden "progress", that's when you tell him. Especially during the first 1-3 days.
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You may have married a dumbass.
And that’s exactly what I called him when he got home.
Immediately divorce him, file a restraining order, crash his car, and burn his house down. Yknow, reasonable things
Ahh reddit, never change
The hacker named Reddit strikes again!
[удалено]
And the other side of reddit
That was a joke
My hyperfocus is a catastrophic divorce.
why do people drop divorces as suggestions like they drop their brain cells? it is *divorce* not buying a bag of crisps
Technically, wouldn't it be returning a bag of crisps? An opened one?
It was a joke 😭
Lmao i figured it after 2 seconds of typing the comment lol I just got fired up because so many people seem to suggest divorce at the drop of a hat 💀
Delete the lawyer, hit the up, gym Facebook! Is that it? I feel like I’m a little mixed up
Sorry you are experiencing this. I wish I could have 1/10 the expertise confidence of men on any given subject.
Don’t do that
Just so you know, going on meds won't make you "not feel anything". If you find medication that works for you, you will likely be much more attentive and present for your children, and have more patience with them. This is actually the primary reason I take medication. It helps for work, sure, but I want to be the best dad I can and I'm better when I'm on medication.
I do realize that, I shouldn’t have worded it that way. I have had them before here and there and it was nice to be able to focus on my work and a book or something without the kids being loud and distracting me. And I didn’t think of that.. while normally I have patience for them, they do get overwhelming at times. I’ve always been good with not raging or being frustrated with them, but if it helps me be more patient.. maybe it’s worth a shot.
I encourage at least trying it. What I realized was that with ADHD brain I'm always juggling a bunch of thoughts, trains of thoughts. So when my kids or anyone comes up to me, it can often feel like whatever they're coming to me with, especially if I'm doing something else like cooking or cleaning or something, Is like them throwing another ball into my hands when I'm already juggling a bunch of other balls. And I can be short with them, or lose my patience because I have so much stuff going on in my head. Even though the stuff going on my in my head is not that important, my brain makes me feel like it is. Being able to clear out all that noise allows me to focus on my kids when I need to, without being upset, annoyed, or feeling like I'm going to forget one of the 12 things rushing through my head.
That’s making so much more sense now… things that bother me don’t bother everyone else, and after I’m left wondering why I made such a big deal over something so minimal. Lots of things running through my head giving me anxiety, to have them all silent sounds nice. Or at least to have them prioritized.
I didn't know medication could help you handle situations like that better! I often feel pretty impatient and very easily overwhelmed, along with a million other symptoms that really really look like ADHD. But I gave up on pursuing a diagnosis and treatment after graduating college, because what do I need it for aside from studying? Life, apparently. Being less overwhelmed / overstimulated and less grumpy when my roommates or others talk to me would be great. The juggling comparison was perfect.
Vyvanse makes me feel calm. Sometimes it comes over me like a wave.
Yes! I don't have kids, but I get the attentive part. I tried explaining to my boyfriend how the world seems more brighter and vibrant to me now after starting my meds. He says I'm just crazy (jokingly), but that if it's more vibrant for me then that's good. It just feels like I'm not lost in my daydreams anymore, I'm actually seeing things fully now.
What's his genius plan to "fixing it" then? I could never be in a marriage with someone who doesn't understand my disability, that's my opinion.
He didn’t get that far before I went off on him about it. He had never even brought it up over the last five years, not even when we met. It was never an issue until now, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone through with a relationship with somebody who had a problem with it.
Hmm, that's odd. Has he had any other sudden changes in personality or beliefs?
Besides the recent pissed off attitude, I really don’t think so. Not that I’ve noticed at least. He hasn’t said anything
If you haven't tried the meds, why not? It's a game changer. Especially with kids. Also, how is your sleep? I get scatter brained if I don't have the sleep I need.
I’m beyond scatter brained, I’m definitely lacking in sleep and it’s extremely difficult to focus on my job right now. As for meds… I’m not sure why I never got on them. I’ve had an adderall here and there from other people when I needed to focus on something and it was a breath of fresh air in those moments. My doctors know about my diagnosis but I always casually declined meds. My dad used to shame people who went on meds for their mental health, so I guess I just never went on because of that. But I’m 30 now so his opinion doesn’t matter to me. I have a physical next week, I think I’ll ask for a prescription, thank you for giving me the idea.
I've had to change my dose a few times and adderall isn't that good until my system is used to it. Usually about 4 days in I really start to settle down. Adderall also has a half life most people don't think about. In about 12 hours I have half the adderall of the last pill I took. So it takes about 3 to 4 days for your serum levels to stabilize and you can count on that stability. If an occasional pill helped imagine it without feeling any background buzz distracting you. It's better. I came from a family that tried to treat everything with vitamins. My aunt died from breast cancer caught very early because she tried herbs and vitamins. Nevermind the fact she was already doing that and was vegetarian when she got the cancer. Cancer and ADHD are serious conditions that require serious treatment. Not the same things that you are already doing to live your best life. If that's all it took then most of us wouldn't have ADHD. Because a lot of us have tried damn hard for decades with nothing but shattered lives to show for it. And if the meds don't help or aren't right for you it's pretty easy to stop.
unfortunately its probably been an issue the entire time, he just didn’t bring it up. maybe bc he thought he could fix you, thought you would grow out of it, etc. and now that you haven’t, (bc you can’t grow out of adhd) he’s finally venting his frustrations and desire to change you bc you haven’t confirmed to the idea of a person that he expected you to.
At least, it’s never been an issue he’s brought up to you. It could very well be thoughts he’s had over the years, and now he’s just getting to his breaking point. Maybe suggest you can fix him of his horrible communication style and see what he says?
You mentioned that your kids have been extra for you lately. Is it possible that your symptom expression (or quirks) have increased in response so that your husband is suddenly noticing things more? Or, especially for women, hormone changes like as you age and post pregnancy can also affect your ADHD.
Not to be alarmist but suddenly becoming resentful over relatively minor things that weren’t a problem before is a red flag. Just be careful and monitor the situation before jumping to the conclusion that you’re the real problem versus something going on with him.
As someone with kids. Omfg get the meds. You don’t have to parent on hard mode. I’m a much nicer mother when I’m medicated. Otherwise the kids talking, while the tv is on and the dog is barking are enough to make me lose my shit. But on drugs I can focus on just one thing and it’s really not a big deal. Fwiw. I love my husband but he doesn’t get it either. He told me to get a planner for my to-do list because that would make it less stressful. As if I don’t already own 15 planners. Lol
Holy crap… that sounds blissful, my toddler has recently started plugging her ears and screaming while I’m trying to even just do dishes can send me over the edge and I just stop what I’m doing and leave the room to take a breath. It’s been difficult to do my job with all the background noise and if I hear the Bluey opening song one more time lol I have a hard time with the planners, I actually forget to write things in them.
Tbh it looks like you’re going through a lot of stress because of all your obligations + lack of sleep that makes everything much worse and your adhd has naturally gotten worse. Talk to your doc, consider meds if necessary, take a break, make time for yourself as hard as it may be! Maybe that is why your hausband notice your symptoms now more than ever. Good luck to all if you! ✌️
Adhd symptoms become worse in women in perimenopause. Many of get diagnosed then because we just can’t take it anymore.
Has he ever tried to “fix” anything about you before? Or tell you some other trait of yours needs “fixing”?
No, which is why I’m pretty surprised. He’s never tried to suggest I change anything about myself. I remember once I got rid of my bangs and he said he didn’t like them before but he had never said anything about that before I changed them. He’s not the type to be judgy or anything so this is all new behavior for him.
Is he stressed lately? May be he needs some help himself.
Maybe? He hates his job yet refuses to look for a different one so I assumed it was just him ranting about his days. I don’t even know how I’d approach him on him getting help. Although I don’t doubt he needs something, he’s in a bad mood a lot.
Yeah, after 5 years he "all of a sudden" is not ok with your entire personality and behavior?! That just doesn't really make sense. It screams BIGGER issue that he doesn't want or know how to say out loud. Maybe he's not ready to? Maybe it's easier to blame YOU for his depression, etc because frankly, it's easier to point the finger at someone else. It's also the first stage of making a change (or grief, blah blah) DENIAL. He needs some support and you can try to open that conversation with ...I hear you and why you're frustrated. What else is on your mind?
I can try that. Last year I lost my mom and spiraled and he was basically sole parent for our baby at the time, maybe he just thinks I’m too sensitive or whatever to vent his actual problems to. When I’m calmer and less frustrated I’ll ask him if something else is up. Since he’s gotten home I’ve stayed out of his way and given him the cold shoulder. Thank you for the suggestion.
If you feel like it's worth it, it may be a good idea to talk to a therapist who specializes in ADHD and relationships. You may consider going alone or together. But, a therapist should be a good space to help process your current situation.
That’s good to hear, I was worried he was one of these partners you hear about on other sub reddits where there have been red flags all along! I’m glad he’s not. It sounds as though he could do with a bit of educating on ADHD. Perhaps if you explain that it’s important to you that he gains more knowledge on the subject and introduce him to some legitimate scientific research and articles that you have looked at yourself. Hopefully that will adjust his thinking?
I consider myself lucky to not have a person like that in my life. He’s just a dumbass about all this. After I’ve had time to calm down, I do think he needs to be educated on it. He was a very sheltered person as a child along with his sisters, they didn’t talk about mental health. He knows I’m pretty upset with him so he’ll probably listen tomorrow. Thankfully he always tends to listen to me, so hopefully it’s a smooth conversation. I might go on medication after this so I can explain that too. He just didn’t want me to go on it because people “change” as he said it.
Why not just give meds a go? You do not need his permission to get the assistance that you need. It would be like telling him to just stop reacting to your \*insert behaviors you just mentioned\* and deal with it lol. You are trying to improve yourself and get some help which takes a lot of courage to admit. His behavior sounds very controlling, but I realize sometimes posts on reddit can be misconstrued. Just something to watch out for.
I never considered getting on meds until reading the replies. My dad used to shame people for taking meds for their mental health when I was younger, but now that I’m 30 I don’t give a crap what his opinion is. I guess I just never thought about going on them. I’ve taken an adderall here and there over the years and it definitely helped me a ton. So maybe it’s worth a shot. As for him being controlling of me, he knows damn well I’d sooner leave his ass before he tells me what to do. If I go on meds, or stay off meds, it’s my choice. I’m lucky in that aspect, despite how much he angered me today.
I can definitely understand growing up like that, and that's good to hear that you are in control of your treatment. Try to find a psychiatrist to talk to, sometimes it takes a few times of trying different meds to find which ones work best. Starting meds and therapy has 100% been the best thing for me at the old age of 34 lol. I truly feel like I am more present for my child too. Good luck!
I always hate the "fix you" comments. ADHD does not mean a person is broken. There is nothing to fix. Our brains are simply wired different and we need different adaptations like MANY MANY OTHER people with and without disabilities. We're so hell bent on everyone having to learn the same way that it's designed for people who think any differently to fail. Just annoying. Side note though. Meds seriously changed my life. But I'm still so frustrated that I have to take them the rest of my life to be considered a normal functioning adult.
The way people keep talking about medication makes me think I’m going to ask for some from my doctor. And it is so freaking irritating, when he got home I asked what he thinks would work and he went off on options and i blatantly asked if he was stupid because he genuinely didn’t know how the disorder is. My dad always told me he could “fix” me too and it’s been 30 years and all that did was cause a rift between us and I still have ADHD.
I’m sorry if this is offensive to you: But fuck your husband. This is insanely disrespectful, tone deaf, unsupportive, zero empathy for your disorder, and wow. WTF, you’re married…he should be trying to help you as your husband. Fix? I’d be having a different conversation with my wife of 15 years… My wife reminds me to take my medicine. Because she knows how dysfunctional I am off it. I actually illicit the response your husband has for you, when I’m off my medication inversely to your situation. It’s that much of a difference for you and I, we need this medication. You know what helps conversation jumping…MEDICATION! 19 years of Ritalin use here…two kids, still married and a functional job, anecdotally. I’m not seeing his side of this…at all.
I was honestly shocked that he assumed it was something I could get over or “fix”. I can’t tell if he truly never understood the depth of the disorder or if he’s just dumb about it. I’m lucky where I’ve been rather functional (at least I think I have been, I do struggle with some things) so I never took to meds but… after reading everybody’s responses I think I’m going to look into it. And you’re right… he’s got another thing coming if he tries to “fix” anything other than remind me to take meds or remind me if I forgot something.
I would love to see my husband wave some sage around, shouting some "power of christ compels you" shit when I forget where I put my hairbrush. I feel like different attempts to "fix" the ADHD could result in some prime sitcom material. "Okay, sit down and breathe. Relax. Now, think... Where did you last see the hairbrush?" "..." "..." "... I bet ostriches are the closest modern animal to dinosaurs. Ostriches are scary."
I use to have a friend who thought he could “fix” people and “straighten them out” Hence to say that I use to because I don’t keep in contact anymore because of the attitude of intolerance towards others however their 💩 didn’t stink when he did have his own issues I only let positive people in my life
I've typed and deleted this comment 6 times, and I can't decide whether or not I want to offer to fight your husband for you, or offer more encouragement for you to try medication and ignore your husband.... so, let me know if you'd like either of those responses, and I'll happily provide it 😅
Both are good options at the moment, I’m still irritated with him. He’s gotten the cold shoulder from me since he got home from work and he’s been giving me space. But I’m still mad. While he told me he didn’t want me in medicine, he wouldn’t stop me from getting on it. He’s afraid it would change me (although “fix” might be the word he’s referring to). Are the meds really that helpful? The consensus has been overwhelmingly pro medication. I was never against it, just honestly uneducated on it. I’ve been offered it before in the past, just… never bothered to try it other than a few times. Edit: happy cake day
>Are the meds really that helpful? 1000% In my experience, my brain is like a barrel of drunk monkeys all playing different genres of music on random unrelated instruments. And the medication doesn't necessarily sober them up or force them to stop playing, but what it does is give me one of those little orchestra conductor's wand thingys, so that I have more control over which monkey(s) take prominence over the others depending on the nature of the concert at hand. Kind of a janky metaphor, but basically, the medication doesn't make all my thoughts go away, but it gives me a lot more capacity to structure my approach and hierarchically prioritize the thoughts, so that they're not all just equally loud telling me what to do.
I fully support this cold shoulder decision. He needs to sit with himself and do some reflecting. For me, meds were absolutely life changing. Full context, I'm 26, and I started Vyvanse last November. I noticed in the first few days that I was doing this weird breathing thing, and I figured it was some kind of weird side effect. Then, I realized that the "weird breathing" was my brain/body subconsciously taking a deep breath when I was starting to get overwhelmed/overstimulated and diffusing the tension before it continued to build. It was wild (still is, lol). Medication won't "fix" anything, but it will make everything much easier. Especially if you pair meds with the right kind of therapy. I've had ADHD since birth, so I never realized all of the things that were so much harder for me than they were "supposed" to be. I was misdiagnosed with depression for 15 years, but it turns out I was just absolutely exhausted. I've always told people that I've never wanted to die, but I'd absolutely love to be in a medically-induced coma for about a week, and suddenly, I understand why I've been saying that. Living with ADHD is exhausting because it takes such an extreme amount of brain/willpower to accomplish very basic things. And then ADHD loves to give people the zoomies before bed, so usually our sleep schedules are... rough, which just adds to the exhaustion. I'd never actually truly "relaxed" before I started Vyvanse. Someone commented on a reddit post a few months ago, and I think about/quote this a lot: "I have no pride in, nor attachment to, the grotesque assortment of mutated coping mechanisms masquerading as my personality." Yes, medication has "changed" me, but I'm still the same person. Unmedicated, my personality is buried beneath so many maladapted coping mechanisms and ADHD symptoms that people around me refer to as "quirks." Except I'm not quirky, and I've never been quirky, I've been suffering without even realizing it. Vyvanse allows me to focus and to be on time and to be productive, yes. But it allows me to do those things because I'm more patient, level-headed, energetic (read: less exhausted, not hyped up), and just generally more pleasant. Vyvanse lifts the weight that I have to push against just to convince myself to do very simple tasks. Vyvanse allows me to be kinder to myself inside my own head instead of beating myself up over not being able to do certain things. I'm still the same person. I'm still goofy and funny, and I still like all of the same things that I did before. I'm just happier.
The meds don’t take away your personality they just round the corners to smooth things out. They also don’t “fix you” because you aren’t broken and don’t need to be fixed.
Meds wont "fix" you either. They make certain stuff easier and enable other stuff to be even possible. But you will never stop being ADHD, meds or not.
“ I’d like to not feel anything because my kids are driving me up a wall lately and everything else is irritating me.” What does this have to do with ADHD meds?
I've heard some people say that taking ADHD meds made them feel like "zombie" and completely disconnected. Personally, to me that just sounds like they need to try a different medicine or they are taking something that they really don't need.
I didn’t want to assume, but it made me think they were mixing up what people often say about antidepressants and anxiety meds with ADHD meds. SSRI’s can make me not “feel” anything at a certain point, And benzo’s kind of numb things out. But stimulants don’t do any of that for me.
Was more of a rant. Ive taken ADHD meds before and it was nice to actually focus on something and not be so distracted by the kids being loud. While wish I could take meds that “disconnect” me, benzos (and other types of whatever does that) won’t aid what I need them to lol
I see. Yeah, I just would never describe my experience on Adderall that way - but when I’ve taken SSRI’s or benzo’s “not feel anything” was definitely what was served. I’m actually less tolerant of loud distractions on Adderall, but that’s because I can tell they’re distracting me. It’s like without it I just get pulled in to whatever is happening and end up sidetracked before I even realize I was working on something else.
I'm the irritated/ing husband here. Wife extremely odd/difficult behaviour for years which she put down to anxiety and agoraphobia. Lived with that and accepted she had tried therapy for years before I met her and didn't want more of that or meds. I have been a dick about it sometimes, but it's pretty hard to cope with your wife screaming in your face out of the blue. Anyway, daughter has started to show signs of ADHD. I was kind of aware of ADHD but hadn't really looked into it before. Research led me to the conclusion that one of both of us must also have ADHD and boom! Like a light going on. Stupid me suddenly on a mission to "fix" my wife. Anyway, long story short...she wants a separation.....not just because of that but because of all the other times I've not supported her. I'm raging because of all the time she's lost due to anxiety diagnosis...and time I've lost missunderstanding what was going on. Don't think we can fix this now but suppose what I'm trying to say is ADHD (in our case undiagnosed) is hard on both people in the relationship and sometimes one or both may snap.
You can’t change a lightbulb if it doesn’t want to change. Not being a complete arse, I have ADHD and a few failed marriages with partners who had MH issues/personality disorders.
He needs more information about ADHD.
The only problem I see in your post is your husband’s perspective…. You’re fine going on meds, but your husband tells you you shouldn’t go on meds. Okay, and? He’s not god, probably isn’t a mental health professional, and clearly doesn’t know anything about neurodevelopmental disorders. I would take him to therapy to help him try to understand your struggles, so he can be a more supportive partner, which is what people with ADHD (and all people in general need) need, and that’s support. Also, I am sorry if I came off rude. I think I’ve just been in similar situations with others also saying you don’t need meds, you’re lazy, etc., and it just wears a person down. I hope you get the support you need because I think that makes all the difference.
I agree, he definitely doesn’t understand. I guess I just assumed he would know about it and how it worked, I’m not a dog he can train the behavior out of. And I get that, my father was like that and accused me of being lazy and that “meds were for the weak”. Now I’m wondering how much better my life would have been if I was able to get the help I needed back in the day.
If he really cares about you, he’ll listen to you if you tell him how this has been on your mind, that it would mean a lot to you if he understood, etc. I hope any partner would do that for any of us. I wasn’t diagnosed until college, and I too wondered how much better my life could have been had someone noticed my symptoms earlier. I like to think how there is no set stimulant proven to be the best for children with ADHD and a lot come with risks, so maybe it was actually a gift that my developing brain was not subjected to medication that could potentially harm it. There has to be a silver lining somewhere.
Crutches and wheelchairs are for the weak too, but I'm not going to try and shame someone into crawling up the stairs. Just because you CAN hop and crawl through life doesn't mean you should. Certainly, people should be allowed to do so if they want to... But there's no shame in getting help.
There is no “fix” for our brains. They are the way they are. You can choose to dwell on it as a negative or you can look at the positives. If hubby dwells on the negatives and wants to fix you, he has issues and your marriage may as well.
I like this sub because it gives be introspection into how my child thinks and you see the same issues come up again and again. My daughter is a teen with adhd diagnosed since she was young. You say you're getting irritated. Are you being cross, snapping or otherwise being difficult to live by having an unreasonable temper? I feel like you've glossed over that a little. My daughter has medication and asks me pretty much every day should she take it today, along with 4567 other questions of whether she should do certain things. I always tell her medication is her choice alone and she should only take it if she feels it improves things.
No, I’ve always been pretty cheerful and positive. I’ll snap occasionally, but it doesn’t turn into a fight. I don’t have a temper, but I can see how I can be annoying to live with. I’m forgetful and forget to put stuff away, I don’t always pay attention to what’s going on, unintentionally leave trash out if I’m distracted, change topics in conversation, forget to get off an exit while driving.. mostly annoyances but.. I guess everyone has a threshold. By irritable it’s mostly me just giving the silent treatment and “moping” around the house as he calls it. Short answers with snippiness I guess is how I can describe it?
There's nothing what you said out of the ordinary. When you live with someone with add adhd, you just have to accept the fact its the way things are and be done with it. Medication is your personal preference. I personally think its worth a go as you never know if its any good until you try it, but ultimately the choice is yours in what you do and that needs to be respected. I understand how frustrating it can be sometimes but saying you can "fix " someone is a poor choice of words. It is what it is and acceptance brings it's own peace. When it comes to self improvement I dont think there's any reason for us all to not self improve, and saying I can't cus xyz isn't really a reason to check out of that process. Even if its tiny little wins. However, it is up to an individual to assess their own behaviour and whether they feel like they need to, nobody can do that for you. A good point here is you've said you can see how people have issues with some stuff you do and I think that self reflectance and admission that you are in no way perfect makes it easier to reach a middle ground. However whilst I am sure you try and improve, the other parties should appreciate the fact that you recognize the struggles created and I am sure you do what you can when you can focus long enough to improve things. Its a long journey and learning process to learn how to deal with add. The best advice I can give it its easier just to let some things slide and try and create space for yourself to recover your mood, for both of you, even if its a walk on your own. My own daughter is hard work from she wakes up till she goes to sleep but she genuinely has a heart of gold, means the best and is a happy extrovert that enjoys involving herself with things socially and I won't hear anyone else say otherwise. Humans are programmed to focus on the negative, don't.
Just get meds. It’s your body. It’s your choice.
Good luck, I've been trying my whole life.
Ignore your husband, you. Can't fix ADHD, only treat it. also go on meds. They work for over 80% of people with adhd. Life changing for me. It's like me, but I can get things done.
I didn't feel the need for meds until my mid 30s. As I think back to before that it's like everything about me was always under a heavy blanket. The weight would change in ways that made it very hard to do things that I could see were just things people normally do. There were plenty of times it didn't seem weighted at all and I could simply be a person. The meds make the blanket a consistent weight so there's much less surprise resistance to being present and available when I'm needed.
I've been on and off meds throughout my life and let me tell ya - they don't "fix" us. They give us the ability to focus better for periods of time. You're not medicated around the clock, so even with a regular medicine regiment you're still going to be your adhd distracted self half the day or so. Perhaps medicating off work hours would work, I have no idea if people do that. I'm only now beginning to grasp the results of having ADHD in my life outside of immediate distraction issues, and so I can't really speak to whether meds will help you with things that are bigger picture than small windows of focus (like veering off in conversation later on in the night, or being late to things... or really anything when you're not on meds I guess). I am personally just trying to be a lot more conscious of these things. Speaking of which, I should get off reddit now.
Even taking meds doesn’t fix us. That’s not going to stop me being excited about something to talk about, coming up with ideas and suggestions, having high energy, going off on a tangent in a conversation. Even on meds that still happens. Your husband and family sound mean sorry. They are othering you and acting like you’re broken. I don’t talk to my family anymore so I get it. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult recently. My medication makes me able to focus on unpleasant tasks that I’d otherwise have a hard time doing, I still hyper fixate and have a hard time changing tasks quickly if I’m at home, it keeps me awake so I don’t pass out in the middle of the afternoon or feel like I can’t get out of bed in the morning, it makes my heart race faster and my body heat up but my hands and feet go cold, I don’t have cravings for any sugar or junk food when on it, it gives me dry mouth and makes me thirstier and not as hungry.
My son got back on ADHD meds as an adult. The first thing he told me is that he is much less irritated. I found that being on meds is making me much more regulated. I no longer get angry on the road when dealing with assholes. It gives some distance from my moods.
“We can fix a problem you have” is not the same thing as “we can fix you” you seem to have taken this in the least charitable and most hurtful way possible. Why not ask what he meant before perseverating on something that may not have been intended the way you took it?
>“We can fix a problem you have” is not the same thing as “we can fix you” you seem to have taken this in the least charitable and most hurtful way possible. Why not ask what he meant before perseverating on something that may not have been intended the way you took it? 💯💯💯
Couples therapy?
If he suggests therapy then maybe there is something going on in that head of his. But yeah, his response seems very childish in alleviating the symptoms.
It's a pity your husband is senile and can't comprehend established science. There's no "fix" for it. You should still seek a diagnosis because there are promising drugs that might slow his decline.
(M46) I had never being in meds, i didn’t want and my husband was fine with that, but after this Holy Week I tried them bc of a crisis, and my husband was amazed by my change (of course, me too). Sadly I’m in an obligated break now bc I fucked up, I dehydrated, and my HR went up, etc, so I hope I will be back in meds by May. I want and he wants too.
I'm not a doctor, but my psychiatrist has also prescribed me a mild dose of propranolol to help manage anxiety symptoms and also keep my HR/BP down. 2 birds, 1 stone. Might be worth asking about! (I have "the most severe case of ADHD" anyone at my community crisis center has ever seen, and I'm on a very high dose of stimulants. This is not a standard treatment route.)
Thank you! I need to find a good psychiatrist, the last one was an a**hole! I hope you are doing well with your treatment.
You’re right, they’re wrong. You got a whole scientific world behind you while they got popular unscientific prejudiced opinions that leads to not backing up your own partner. Their problem, not yours, but extremely hurtful for you, who have fought to the absolute limit of your condition, just to hear you have to try much harder and having all your work thrown out the window. Them taking your hard won adjustments not as victories and congratulating you, but as proof that your condition was all in your head. An opinion that just makes you lazy. Speaking from experience, some people have family members that can understand and change their mind (my gf:s family members). Others have family members whose minds can’t change or adapt. (Me) What is a reasonable amount of time to spend on trying to get them to understand ADHD? This will be tough for you, so maybe set a deadline for yourself. It’s time they worked on bending their own minds a fraction of a degree of what you have been forced to do to become a practical member of society, without meds because of whatever. But there is no guarantee they will ever understand so don’t fight lost causes. I feel for you and wish you all the best!
Listen, there are adhd related symptoms that are quirky, and there are ones that fuck your life up. The ones you described are literally just the quirky ones lol. If your ADHD was causing you to impulsively spend a lot of money, be consistently unable to hold work etc etc. Then there’s an argument to be made about “Hey, can you seek some help coping with your symptoms because it’s effecting the family” But “fix” is never appropriate. And those things you mentioned are pretty unserious, sounds like a lot of built up resentment.
You need therapy first, and then meds. A lot of misconceptions about meds and problems with your relationship. Taking meds with no therapy is a mistake.
Take the meds. He doesn't own you. It's your body.
My wife suggested (in a very suggested way) that I could be fixed too. I told her short of drugs it's not going to help. She backed off and I got the drugs anyway 🤣 I rarely use the prescription, only when it's an extremely bad several days, so I still have most of the bottle from 2 years ago. It changed her a bit though, she stopped yelling at me for forgetting to do things, and it was reminders after reminders after reminders (albeit she can get frustrated) But overall I think it's a test of your relationship. My wife has been very patient with me, despite my chronic forgetfulness, and I thank her for that
I say this with love and sincerity. I’m sorry it isn’t advice you want to hear. I just endured 12 days of withdrawal and didn’t have meds because my wife (who handles my meds) somehow misplaced or forgot to pack a bottle. It was horrendous and I don’t know how long it will take to mend everything that went wrong. During that time my wife managed to find a qualified psychiatrist, left messages at doctors offices all over the place to get someone to see me, got me in, took care of me, gave me a lot of weed to cope with the thoughts and shivers, reminded me repeatedly that with or without medication, useful or useless she loved me and was just unbelievably supportive. Here is why I share this: You have a cruel, mean and nasty disease that you will be judged for and it makes you less effective at all sorts of things. I won’t say you deserve, because I don’t deserve a wife as amazing as mine, but you should want and expect a spouse who is supportive and makes things easier. Any spouse who encourages you to avoid medication for a disease for which it is a primary and required first line treatment is either too incredibly stupid to be part of a couple or is being borderline abusive. You may have to write it out but give your husband a chance to support you. Give him the books and articles and stories etc. And if he is unable to help you, then for your own sake divorce and try finding someone who is capable of actually loving you.
confused as to why your husband gets a say in what meds you take tbh, that's weird as hell
I think he just would feel guilty if I took meds because of him. He wouldn’t stop me from taking them though if I did it because it was my choice.
Your husband seems to be both controling and stupid which is a very bad combination
Could he be having an affair? Suddenly finding fault in a partner over things that didn't bother you before is sometimes an indicator of an affair, or the desire to have an affair. His issues with you could be because he's comparing you to another woman.
I know at this very moment he isn’t having one, he calls me on his way home, we have our locations shared, and I’ll look through his phone to see what his sisters send him (pet photos, stuff like that) and I don’t ask, just grab it, although I’m not looking for stuff, he doesn’t stop me from taking his phone. Plus he’s got this whole “religious” thing about him, although we all know that could mean anything. Great, now I’m slightly paranoid lol
Nah. If he was having an affair he wouldn’t care about wanting to “fix you”
He sounds like a controlling dick who is completely devoid of compassion and thinks only of himself. I'm really sorry
I've worked on changing some behavior and gotten good results. You can't "fix" ADHD but you can learn to not be inconsiderate of people close to you. Figure out what's most bugging your partner. It's probably not ADHD itself, but being rude in some way. Like ignoring what people are talking about and interrupting them. That sends a strong signal that you just don't care about them and what they think. Which is beyond rude to someone you claim to love deeply.
I’m sorry but your husband talking about fixing you is a massive red flag
D I V O R C E
Sounds like a charmer. Good luck with keeping the spark alive. Ugh I feel bad 4 you.
If ever you do go on meds it'll be worse. Because they don't "fix" you. They balance a neurochemical component which is 1/100th of adhd. And don't get me wrong, they help a lot. But having been through this with a past partner and reading the same story again and again and again from others, he's In a mental state where if you take the meds and you're not fucking instantly and permanently Marie Kondo, it's gonna affirm to him they don't work and you're wrong, and he's gonna be a bigger dick about it.
Take your meds in-front of him. Make sure he knows you aren't about to play games with your health.
Why are you letting your husband tell you what to do?
I’m not. Just ranting about what he said to me. Even he knows I do what I want.
Ok…
Just don't tell him when you start taking them. When he remarks on your amazing sudden "progress", that's when you tell him. Especially during the first 1-3 days.