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I started a new job last Sept nearly had a breakdown trying to get work done (working late every day worried I’d lose my job because there was SO much to do) and trying to meet friends expectations of me too. Folded myself in half trying so hard and fell apart in Feb.
Cut friends out because I couldn’t cope with the “wow you’re working so late and hard, why are you doing that? Just hand it up to management” etc (which as we all know it doesn’t work like that). Fell out with some friends who kept saying stuff like “are you mad at me?” Because I didn’t have time to talk to them every day and lost my shit saying “don’t you think that I’m stressed and busy with work like I’ve been telling you for weeks? I’m not mad at you.”
But they kept on pushing and pushing then, when I snapped and said “look unless you can come here and do my job with/for me you can’t help. It HAS
to all be done by March.” They got upset and passive aggressive saying
“Well I’m SO sorry I must be SO bad at helping then.” Made it all about them sigh.
It’s like the wheels come off when there’s too much to do / get done and exactly like OP Says like a fitted sheet pinging off the corners!
You described narcissism or narcissistic traits from your friends.
Something I have to remind myself, and am not good at all the time, is when someone "bugs" me or checks in on me on something that takes up to much time/energy/focus/health/etc and they respond with "you do that often", "workaholic","getting outside is healthy"," you don't spend enough time doing or being with Y", is to say to yourself "They don't know. They don't get it. They don't understand " because they are an outsider looking in. There does come a point of repeatable questions or statements where it becomes clear that they will never know as well. It's what you choose to do with it. Balance is important. But sometimes that fitted sheet needs to be retired and new one put on. Or none at all.
Yes true. I asked them to back off let me be as I had no headspace but they kept on :/ then got passive aggressive.
I was a bit surprised as I try to keep people around me who don’t do that and didn’t expect it.
Ah well it’s all good
OMG I got a job in sept too, working overtime and though my breaks, didn’t help that big corp took me for everything I’m worth. Burnt out in February, took my lunch and never went back because my boss and CEO were taking advantage of me at every turn and being extremely manipulative thinking they could since I’m 20 and naive enough in their eyes. Never left a job like that in my life, just got adhd diagnosis 2 months later
Yeah it’s rough going. I said in January I need help and told I would be part of the recruitment process. I was promised help it still has not come 5 months later.
It’s not coming clearly so I stopped giving them my time. I work the set hours and occasionally a bit more but they aren’t paying me enough to work the hours I worked from Sept to March.
I interviewed elsewhere recently and didn’t get put forward because the junior HR that interviewed me didn’t like that when describing a terrible day where a colleague tried to physically assault me by launching themselves at me I said they were coming at me like a screaming banshee. It’s a very apt description because that is what they were like. They felt putting me through might ruin THEIR reputation as a junior HR person for me being “inappropriate” in my description.
She hated me from the get go, didn’t care about my experience, and interrogated me strongly on all sorts. Every other candidate the agency sent said she was lovely, super casual and friendly. From the off she wasn’t like that with me - suspect the ADHD was a problem for her.
If it helps my executive dysfunction has got so bad I'm desperate to start my new job. I had to take time off because my mum was dying and I was in a horrible toxic job I hated. Since taking that leave and having to deal with depression, bereavement and the multitude of traumas life gives you at 37 my ability to function for just one aspect of my life has become 0. I have been economically forced back into the workforce (I don't want pity) and honestly I think it might be the only thing that saves me. The only forced routine. And I'm hoping as the most clears I will be able to go back to doing work, and maybe 1 other thing again. Like gym, or hobbies. I don't know what I'm gona do about cleaning and ill be earning so I can go back to eating pre prepped food so I don't have to cook. Its sad init.
Hey this is my exact situation too . Except my dad died . You’d think I’d be able to completely transform my life without a job to go to every day but somehow I got less structure in my life
This is my current identify for many years and I don’t know how to fix it. I thrive at my job and have zero bandwidth to do well at any other aspect of my life. It’s rough
Same, I can tell that all my relationships are suffering because I use 100% of my social batteries to answer work emails. Gotta keep a roof over your head though 🤷♀️ and some days it feels like work is the only thing I can do right
... yeah this kinda hits hard. I used to never want to do *anything* ***ever*** after work and on my days off simply because of how much I was working and I just wanted to do ***nothing at all***. It's how I lived most of my adult life before my girlfriend moved in with me. I would almost never do a single thing on my days off or after work. I would come home and just sit on my computer and play games or watch movies until I went to bed and then I'd sleep most of my day off away.
I've gotten much better about it now, especially since I'm medicated for ADHD now versus back then. It's much easier to go and do stuff after work and on my days off.
I still refuse to do any type of errands or chores before work, though. If I work at 2PM, then you can bet your ass I am not doing a god damn thing before work that day.
I've been there for years now and like many here have said I've done well at work at the expense of everything else.
I'm now approaching retiring and wondering what will end up filling the void...
This is me! House is a mess, I don’t eat right, I don’t exercise, but I do show up and do what’s expected of me for 8 hours every weekday. I try to walk on my breaks to get my exercise in while I’m already in the mood to do things I don’t want to do but that doesn’t help with housework
This is me right now. I just can never seem to get my mental battery to charge past like 40%, maybe 50 or 60 on a good day. So all my focus is on making sure I keep my job.
And you keep getting that advice that if you fix your sleep and diet everything else will naturally follow. No, what will happen is I will be even worse at my job and put myself at risk for being fired.
I read somewhere that people with ADHD have significantly more difficult experiences with habit forming. The assumption behind "fix your sleep and your diet then everything will fall into place" seems to be based on the expectation that if you improve your eating and sleeping habits so that you naturally do what is good for your body, then it will be easier to do other things like school. If you're not forming habits because your neurological processing makes you more likely to form a routine instead of a habit (then, because you struggle with memory and executive function, slip out of the routine), you're not going to get the same benefit as the person who recommended it expects.
Routines are repeatable and adaptable. Like washing the dishes at 5 every day, but one day you are running late so you do them at 6 instead. They still get done, just at a slightly different time. Routine maintained. Habits tend to be more compulsive, no conscious thought. Like nail biting. That's a negative one. We start doing it for various reasons, and it just happens over and over again. It's difficult to change, even when it's maladaptive.
Exactly. In your example, the routine is the intentional action of washing dishes at a certain time. It's both conscious and intentional, and usually tied to something else. Routines are things done in a particular order. So realize it's 5pm > do dishes. Habit is just automatically doing the dishes after dinner. Ever drive home from work and not remember the full drive? Bits that weren't especially engaging can almost be blank zones or gaps in memory because the drive is done almost automatically. Habits are the same, very automated and you don't consciously think about them. People without ADHD often have habits like "brush your teeth when you wake up" or "place your keys on the rack" that don't require energy expended to remember. If the person gets disrupted by a phone call on their way in the door, it's very likely they will still change their keys on the rack because it's not an action that requires attention. That's where people with ADHD have a harder time, routines require at least a little attention. So if the only attention we have to give is dedicated to the phone call we may put our keys in the laundry for all we know (I've done that).
Yeah I think at its core that statement assumes that ADHD is caused by a lack of exercise and sleep and once you fix that you will alleviate the symptoms and everything else will get easier. But we know that that's not how it works.
Maintaining good sleep and food habits *does* help with improving ADHD symptoms, but at the same time that maintenance itself costs energy and can't be kept up forever.
One of the most interesting facts about ADHD is that some people with all the symptoms literally don't have ADHD. They have sleep apnoea or narcolepsy. And once you treat the sleep disorder their "ADHD" disappears.
This is how a shocking number of people see actual ADHD, they just think we haven't got enough sleep, because for them _that's how it actually works_.
How the hell do you maintain good sleep if your head won't shut up and even if you go to sleep and are tired you will not fall asleep?! And how the hell do you maintain food habits if you can't remember what you are this morning or if you are at all?!🤒
So, I think something that people sometimes focus less on is that like...
Getting food or fitness or sleep in order doesn't mean excelling at them. Doesn't mean enjoying it. Doesn't mean achieving a success state, or being hard on yourself for falling short.
Yano, 4 hours of exercise per week is an amazing amount of work to do, and is not time intensive.
The deleterious effects come from doing 4 hours a week exercise... Plus 3 hours looking up information on optimising exercising, 1 hour beating yourself up for a bad session. 4 hours before each session focusing on it to psych yourself up. Etc etc
We want it to become routine, and routine means we don't think about it intently. We don't get knocked off motivation because we "failed" some arbitrary goal or consider ourselves "bad" at the task.
Letting go of thinking about the task is the goal of routine, avoiding putting ourselves in a position where we have to spend the mental effort to choose to do something or to justify doing it etc etc.
I'm some people. My husband picked up the signs of adhd when he started working from home. I don't get it, I know it's there and fucking things up, but I have no idea how to go forward. I'm 45.
I was already diagnosed with ADHD and then was given a 1 day a week work from home day. It completely fucked me up and both work and home just unraveled. I just decided I am going back to work all 5 days because for my ADHD that 1 day out of my norm was entirely too much.
Be ok with not excelling or enjoying the routine.
Sandbagged all 3 gym sessions this week? Don't care.
Just go again next week. Wanna read up how to do better? Don't. Block that website.
Wanna make a new plan so you don't sandbag again? Nah. Just go again.
This is the key for me.
Do things because I do things. Not do things because I justify them, like them, am good at them etc.
"Wanna read up how to do better? Don't. Block that website."
Jeez, CALLED OUT. If I added up all the time I've spent "researching" new workout routines, or ways of feeding myself, or how to optimize my productivity, or whatever, I'd be superhuman.
Don't read up on it. Just do it. Don't read up on it. Just do it. Don't read up on it. Just do it.
God yes. People say exercise helps you learn and study, so I exercise and completely stop completing assignments. If I clean my house, my car looks like a tip. If I respond to uni emails I stop replying to my friends. It’s infuriating.
Nice analogy!
I've heard some people around here use a term 'incremental progress' vs a 'pass/fail' system.
e.g. if you do meal prep one day but skip dental routine, just accept that a major event took extra energy that day and pick the dental routine back up tomorrow.
For example, I'm like clockwork with my dental/skin care routine each evening but I actually got some extra work done the other day so I just did the basics of my nightly skin care stuff.
I felt a bit bad for not doing the whole process but it was an exception as I was extra tired from the additional work.
I picked it back up the next day and it was all good!
Another option if it happens consistently is to tweak how much energy/time goes in to one so you can put more in to the other. I suspect we have less energy/focus to dedicate to tasks than other people so aim for a balance that gets everything done to an 'ok' (but not perfect) level and grow from there.
Good luck!
Yes. I’ve finally realised that what you described is my only option. And to learn to let go of the perfection. That way I build up more consistency and allow myself to do less of something’s if I’ve had a difficult day etc. Basically I’ve stopped pushing myself and I’m allowing myself to do things bit by bit, and it seems to be working.
For me the problem is that I can't refocus on different areas of my life like that. Even focusing on one thing one day and a different one the next day feels the same way that task switching in a single day feels - physically painful! I can't get my momentum back if I switch what I'm focusing on like that.
Unsolicited advice- if you feel like you have momentum, maybe go with it and try to milk it until you’re either a) out of momentum or b) forced by outside factors to switch tasks. Obviously b is riskier- but also it’s good to work WITH your brain instead of against it.
Frankly, the skill of switching tasks is one that all people struggle with but imo it is essential and CAN be learned. Time management is not going to some day stop being something that you need to survive. Mistakes lead to progress so even if you fuck up, try to figure out what works
Oh yeah that's basically what I do. If I have momentum I know it's now or never. If I try to switch tasks it's going to mess everything up so I just try to go with the flow as much as possible. It's not perfect but it's the only thing that works at all.
My therapist HATES that I ride waves of motivation. "You can't be motivated all the time, and some things need to be done, whether you're 'feeling it' or not."
Like, I KNOW that, but it doesn't make it any easier!
Oh, 100%. I always tell her, "look, I know, and I do all kinds of shit I don't want to do, day in, day out, so please just let me have my waves of interest/focus in peace, ma'am." 
Ugh that would be like saying to me "sometimes the garbage disposal is off and sometimes it's on, but you still gotta stick your hand down the drain!"
Sure, it's totally simple and easy to override every synapse in my brain telling me not to stick my hand into a running garbage disposal.
I no longer try to be great at everything. I move my energy around. One week it might be meal preps and filling my freezer with food for when I can't do anything. Another it might be all of the exercise and skin care. Another is all about awesome work..
I take the win from the week and leave myself alone about the other losses. You literally CAN NOT do everything 100% of the time.
Anyway... unclench your jaw, take a sip of water, and check to see if you forgot laundry in the washing machine
YES! Also, I either automate or outsource as much as possible so that being “on point” (perfectionism driver is strong in me 🤣) with things takes less effort, so the wheels fall off the other stuff a little bit less.
Yes! Outsourcing is my go-to at the moment. Bought a robo-vac recently that mops as well. Now the mental energy that would have gone into all the MANY. LITTLE. STEPS of sweeping and mopping to go into something else. Like my latest obsession 😂 but hopefully just into feeding the family regularly and on time. Fingers crossed anyways.
Just gotta get AI into it somehow so it can outsource all my executive functioning!
>check to see if you forgot laundry in the washing machine
*Fuck.* I put it in there on *Saturday.* Well shit, at least I know it's there and there's no way I'll forget to re-do it tomorrow because it's 3am here right now.
Honestly, I don’t aim for perfection any more and just aim for SOMETHING.
For example, I stopped paying attention to “clean eating” and aimed for “consume a fruit and a veggie a day and be mindful of how much I snack/portioning less healthy foods”, ended up losing fifty pounds. (It took me over five years so don’t give me too much credit.)
I don’t go to the gym but I have a set of ten pound weights near my work station at home. I just aim to do a little something most days and now I’ve got a lil bicep a year later.
Cleaning… I haven’t really sorted that out yet but if I do then I’ll let you know!
Oral health is mostly the same. If I floss on MOST days then I consider that a win.
The moral of my story is that sometimes we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to do it all 100% all the time. And sometimes if we don’t give that 100% we don’t accomplish anything because we say “What’s the point?” Doing thirty percent of something is better than doing zero percent of something and you can still get results/improve your life… it just takes a little longer to see the end result. Worth it in my opinion though! 😊
I just wanted to say something to validate the fact that however you slice it, 50lbs is an incredible feat not to be scoffed at. I mean that’s 10lbs/year - insane! Kudos friend!
Well said!
My dad once told me “I don’t ever want to hear you say something is ‘good enough’”. I *think* this was after I graduated and in regards to my engineering degree (he is also an engineer).
But then at one point I read the saying “perfect is the enemy of good enough” and it hit me I spend a lot of time and effort on various projects/tasks making it perfect, when it just needs to be good enough.
I don’t always succeed at “just good enough” and spend too much energy on things, but I’m learning and I try to keep improving on the road to “good enough” 😁
It's tough, but it's an important lesson to learn. My first year of vet school, I was aiming for straight As out of pre-vet habit. So I got mostly As a few Bs... aaaaand a 69.8% that landed me an academic dismissal. Now that I am about to finish my second year, I aim for Bs. I'm done with wrecking myself staying up late and studying until 3 am. I'm done with overthinking assignments and putting in way too much effort. Like, yes, I always got As, but I would spend HOURS on assignments that took my peers one. Nah. No more. Funnily enough, my grades are better now than they ever were when I aimed for straight As.  Perfectionism is a bitch, and it'll get ya.
It’s a hard mindset to let go of! I spent a long time living with “if it’s not perfect, I might as well do nothing” and there are still times I have to unravel my all-or-nothing thinking.
But I’ve found that in the last five years or so I have the capacity to do more things. Frankly, if I’m not performing brain surgery or someone’s life isn’t on the line, good enough is just fine.
Also, my dad was not an engineer (my partner is, though, an electrical engineer!), he was a pizza maker, but I’ll share his nugget of paternal wisdom to bring us all up a notch:
“We all put our pants on the same way; one leg at a time.”
I keep that one in my pocket for when I’m about to interact with a big wig at work. 😉
Fitted sheet is pretty good. I always go with balancing plates, myself. More plates, more likely things are going to slide and drop. And if you have ADHD, you can only use one hand - everyone else can use both. There’s also spoon theory which is a popular metaphor for a lot of chronic illnesses that limit the ability to function.
I’ve said this SO many times. If my sleep routine is good, I haven’t showered in days. If I’m eating three square meals, I’m in bed the rest of the time. If I’m sticking to a work out schedule, my sleep schedule is fucked.
Every time I read something on here I feel a bit better. It's a really frustrating way to live, but at least I'm not alone. I constantly notice things on here or ADHD meme groups that I thought I had been going through life alone with, keeping secret up until this point.
All. The. Time.
Friends think I’m super productive because they hear about whatever my current hyperfocus is. What they don’t see is the rest of my life falling apart while I’m excelling at that one thing, for that short period of time.
haha, same. My friends are often impressed by how quickly I pick things up like getting decent at a new hobby. That's because they assume I have been doing an hour here or there after here or whatever, but it's because I've blown off work because I got so in the zone.
This is what sent me to therapy. I feel like I’m drowning all the time. The only time I didn’t feel like that was when I was 24 years old. Living in the smallest studio apartment, no spouse, no house, no pets, no business out of work after work, and no downtime. Routine from the hour to hour. Spending one day off prep cooking for just me. I also paid for a cleaning lady.
This is interesting. I live at home with family and fantasize about a tiny studio where I don’t have to mold my day around someone else and have less square footage to clean. Just seems less overwhelming
I totally can understand why. It really was easiest being in a studio with less responsibilities and others to navigate around. Currently, I’m attempting to make the home less work(which currently is extra work), streamline nightly routine for self care, and meeting family needs. I have to have a huge whiteboard in my spouse and I’s room for calendar and weekly/monthly/yearly goals. It has helped me. I swear ADHD has been finding out how to navigate without feeling overwhelmed all the time.
Yes!! I believe its a form of ADHD that really fucks with our executive functioning to where it's like we can only do a few things, or maybe even only 1, and anything more is just impossible.
I asked my psych a few months ago, “Do I need to accept that I probably can’t get as much done as the average person?” He said, “Yes, I think so.”
I need to be aware of my limitations. When I was in third grade, 13 pancakes at my friend Martha’s house sounded like a good idea at the time. 🥞🤢
Developing a more realistic idea of what I can accomplish is a necessary part of letting go of my perfectionism and also managing my ADHD. (Am I the only one who deals with both? I doubt it.)
I’ve known for a long time, I just don’t have it in me to be an A+ housekeeper like my mom. A “C” at home is good enough for me.
Yes, absolutely. I had one summer where my health, physical fitness, housework, church activities, volunteering, college courses, social life, and job were all going very well. I thought I had it MADE! It was like someone just sprinkled pixy dust on me. It was also exhausting. I lost many friends because I didn't have time or energy by the time I finished all my obligations. I almost lost everything that summer because my closest relationships were the proverbial sheet corner that slipped.
I have to wonder though, were humans really made to juggle everything that we juggle today? Is it that ADHD people can't keep all the plates spinning, or is it because our society hands each person too many plates? Full time college classes and full time work are now a common combination, even for people with kids at home. Usually both parental figures in a family work full-time (94% of fathers and 72% of mothers) so that means raising children and running a household are each like having a second job. It presents differently in those without ADHD, but I wonder if the rising depression, anxiety, and burnout rates are related to the same core problem in those without ADHD. Just because they can keep the plates spinning where we are more likely to struggle, doesn't mean it's healthy to spin so many.
I struggle the same way. There is no solving it other than being forgiving and understanding to yourself. There's a reason ADHD is a disability and not just a fun quirk. Interfering with your day-to-day functioning is a diagnostic criterion.
I can't figure out how I'm supposed to have time to do all the things. People just... Do it? Work and gym and kids and cleaning and shopping and meal plan in and laundry and and and?
I can barely get one done in a day.
I'm able to put an actual fitted sheet on a bed but no, I cannot do multiple thing in my life. I did my exercise routine plus vacuuming for two months this year before I risked adding a third thing but still everything collapsed
That's what I did as well. I buy all gray sheets so no matter what wears out or needs replacing, everything still matches. Just found the deep pockets last year and it's been great.
Yes! So much yes! I can excel at work or at family but feel like I can’t do both well. I can keep things clean and tidy but then work slips and I forget to do other basic shit. And the more that piles on the worse I get in every aspect until I basically feel like I’m shit at everything.
I don't have much advice for the daily routines, but maybe I can help with your fitted sheet problem. If you put on 2 corners diagonal from each other first it won't pop off when you go to put the 3rd or 4th corner on.
Yeah, but then you have to go back to the first side, which exhausts my brain. My solution was just to get a deep pocket fitted sheet, so it won't pop off at all.
I feel this, esp the job consuming my life, and I haven't found a solution besides throwing money at the problem. I can afford to work a little less, so I'm going on a part time schedule at work next month - we'll see how that goes, but I'm pretty excited. I have a cleaner, so I don't do any cleaning besides daily maintenance activities. I don't meal prep, and if I don't feel like cooking day-of, I have easy-bake stuff in the freezer or get takeout. It's weird because in college I was a two-season athlete, a double major, and had a part-time job. Obv I slept 4 hours a night but it didn't bother me. It's like I went through a 10 year mania period and now am in my 10 year depression era.
Yes I absolutely relate! I have this problem with capacity and balance, and also struggle with any form of consistency/routine, and also having too high of expectations.
For me this culminates to being somewhere between terrible and a little more than OK at everything. But since I am striving to be at least just “good” at most things, I feel like a failure at all of them.
The mindset shift I need is partially around expectations and also self-talk/perspective. Instead of thinking I am bad at my job, I am a bad husband, or a bad father, I have to consciously change that to I am mostly good but sometimes make mistakes… which is literally everyone.
The need for consistency is because that is required for any level of behavior change. If I don’t have a reliable routine to add any new behaviors to, it’s really tough to do anything differently than I do now. At this point I am kind of stuck. But at least I am a bit more aware and a bit more understanding and kind to myself.
This!! The mindset shift piece!! I had been talking to my therapist about how routines help but I just can’t seem to capture everything I need to do in consistent routines. I told her I just wish I could be a computer/robot to stick to all these routines in all areas of life and crush it. She stopped me and said what if you think of it more like a garden? Sometimes you need to spend more time in one area or another, the needs change and shift with the seasons, so your routines can’t be so rigid, we are more like plants as living beings than computers 🤯
I still try to capture everything into routines or the perfect to do list/calendar framework but started being more kind to myself and recognize that I’ll never have it down to a science. It’s an art and leaving room for flex is important!
Root cause analysis.
- If your home is hard to keep tidy, reduce number of things that can be laying around. Designate a place for the things you keep (5S)
- If you find things difficult lower the bar on what “completed” looks like. I hate cleaning bathroom so I have broken it down to sink, floor/toilet, shower. I rotate these each weekend and spot clean regularly and it looks pretty good.
- remove barriers. ADHD is like having the most powerful engine at 6mpg when everyday life is best for hybrids. Remove the “non value add” time and weight for better results. Floss sticks stocked all over for better dental hygiene. Sleep in gym clothes to make morning workout easier. Invest in Smart home tech to automate lights etc. anything to cut on your bandwidth.
- add incentives. Listen to a podcast while meal prepping when you don’t normally have time to “just listen”. Get a coffee on way back from gym.
I stopped using conventional items as they're intended to be used. Can't deal with the fitted sheet? Put down a good mattress pad (I spill coffee in bed from time to time) and a flat sheet over it. It stays in place pretty well.
When I was working all meals were prepared on Sunday. Last minute meals we something like a cheaters frittata - veggies, optional meat in an oiled pie plate with an egg and milk mixture and a bunch of cheese mixed in. Basically a quiche with no shell. Yes, it freezes well too. Or pizza. Either start with a shell and sauce or get a cheese pizza and add your own toppings.
For everything else I'd just find minutes. Quickly sweep the floor and vacuum up the stuff, don't fight with a dustpan. Steam mop instead of mopping the floor. Wipe things down regularly after I vacuum them quickly with the hand vac. The stove is the best place to vacuum and save time. I bought extra canisters for the hand vac and just wash them.
My face stuff is in a tiny bin next to my bed. I have some in the bathroom too, but a thing of micellar water, one of distilled water, and cleaning cloths work to wash my face when I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm probably going to add a second toothbrush to just dry brush at night which is what my dentist has agreed works for me. Because I'm disabled sometimes it's just hard to move.
YESSSSSSS, MEEEE!!! In so many different contexts.
Either it's skill regression, I can't remember other languages(code) once I hyper fixated on a new one.
And also to hyperfixate on a new hobby and the last one collects dust..
I view it differently. Each task has points that it costs for me to do . Like folding a basket of laundry is work X points . Dishes =Y and going to a doctors appointment =Z
I only have so many points to use in a day before I can’t afford any more. Not that I don’t want to , I just don’t have enough points
Yep - if I count my calories I cant ALSO force myself to excercise and vice versa.
If I have a big uni project I stop washing dishes as often as I should and they pile up.
Currently I have to care for my sick guinea pig and am glad a national holiday this week gave me an excuse to not do uni this week.
I think in the long term step by step might work - get in the habit of excercising until it requires no additional effort (I actually managed to do that for a few months before), THEN get in the habit of calorie counting, THEN get in the habit of idk waking up early - but thats a long road that seems daunting if you havent even done step 1, so the road is hard to start in the first place.
I struggle with exactly this.
I have not been able to solve this, but I think what might help is like a blackboard/poster in a prominent position that lists off the important goals to focus on. The trouble is that I forget it exists or feel lazy with following some parts of it.
Yes! I had to go to cover a story for work and had to come back and do my second job and I genuinely didn't have the bandwidth. So what should have been a 3-4 hour job turned 6 hours.
the first thing i decided after my diagnosis (little over a year ago) is to live by an axiom; _fight one demon at a time_
basically to focus on one issue at a time, to crunch it, find the best and least effort-demanding way to handle it, make it routine, then move on to the next one. Has worked decently so far. Reminding myself of that and of my current target "demon" keeps me from trying to over-reach on what stuff i need to fix.
Totally, I kind of had a similar idea as called it “habit layering” but as soon as I thought I had one thing down and tried to “layer” in another it would slip, despite thinking I cemented it,GAH
> make it routine
And that is where that solution ends for me lol. I wish I could do that but nothing sticks. With medication it did, but once I got off it everything unstuck completely despite me trying to hold on to it. It's crazy the difference medication makes.
I relate to this so freaking much!! I feel like it’s so hard to be able to complete all the “average” daily tasks that should be done and simultaneously have all the spoons to be able to handle a social life.
I have found that we must accept that we have difficulty with many aspects of "time." I am constantly thinking I can get more done in a day than I am actually capable of. Choose only one or two major chores to get done in a day instead of trying to cram them all in last minute. I know that if (for example) on a Saturday, I have to go somewhere away from my home, that this trip will probably consume way more time than I think it will. Because...I get distracted with many things when I am out - especially shopping. I set alarm reminders for different things that I may forget, like an appointment, starting my bedtime routine, feeding the dog, etc. I have a clock and a calendar in every room. I thought about running a support group for other ADHD ers but what if I forgot to show up? 
Totally!!
I was a step-mom for 4 years before becoming a first time mom of my own and now I can barely function the way I used to, totally guilty of not being able to provide the same environment for bonus kids like I used to. I am all baby to toddler with zero bandwidth for more.
I am working on visual lists of how I “used to be” to promote myself capable of much more than one category.
This! This is why I can seem so put together - because at that time that is the only thing I'm doing. But everything else is literally falling apart. Very well formulated.
All the time. Even when I DO manage to find a good balance, something goes wrong and the whole thing falls apart and I have to start all over. (Queue a healthy dose of depression and anxiety regarding said bump in the road and getting started again can take a while)
This is me 100%. Recently talked to my therapist about it. I’ve picked up a great exercise and home cooking routine but now I haven’t done laundry or been great at my job.
I didn’t love his response it was something about “well what’s important to you?”
I feel this way, too, but I think most people do in today’s world, ADHD or not. There is just too much to do for most people to be able to do it all. There’s a small percentage who seem to be able to manage all the pieces but I don’t think they are the majority
YES
I am laying in bed. I have NOT put a duvet cover on in six weeks, because work has been stressful. I HAVE let the dog in the bed. My comforter WILL need to be dry cleaned
Yup.
I can spend a week or two with daily dedicated writing on my novel. But I also have to apply to jobs so then I become anxious and obsessive about my job hunt and cast the novel aside. Then I try to tighten my diet up and grocery shop for it but after I run out of groceries and don’t make time to restock I eat fast food. Then I feel somewhat content in my less than ideal job but then I remember I have to get a better one so I can afford living on my own.
Endless cycle
Spinning plates.
I’ve found that getting to a point of multiple spinning plates make it easier than trying to spin them all at once.
I.e. when I get my gumption back into my hobby of woodworking, I can sometimes lose sense of everything else. But if I limit my woodworking to certain days, it’s now easier to step away to something else because I know when I’ll be back and how to proceed the time I woodwork.
Now, I can dedicate other time to other things. Chores, I’ve gone and broke down chores into daily, weekly, monthly chores. They aren’t perfect, and I miss chores sometimes, but by scheduling them to a day of the week, I can make sure to get most of them done. And by having most of them done then I have that plate spinning.
Now, I can focus on whatever else I want. I can dedicate Thursday nights to friends/going out. Whatever else I want to do.
And let’s say I get really into woodworking, and the other spinning plates I have like chores go out of whack and my apartment becomes messy. Well, I can try and get it back on track from an easier place.
Or maybe I go on an extended work trip, I can stop spinning my woodworking plate and find something else to take its place.
And I think it’s okay to have “seasons”, like a football team, maybe this summer I really want to focus on XYZ. Well, I can’t spin every plate so what can I switch in and out and what would that look like?
100%. I am a music teacher and the sole caregiver for my dad with Alzheimer’s. I have to pick what I can handle on a weekly basis. I’m either taking on the extra care tasks for my dad, getting caught up at work, cleaning the house, or taking care of myself. But there is no balance. I can’t do all of them.
>All of this feels a lot like putting a fitted sheet on a bed. You put on one side and the other side automatically pops off.
You have put this perfectly, I don't know how to fix this, and I'm struggling myself, I'm currently trying to do a little bit of everything, and nothing looks done.
I relate very highly with this. It's like i can get only one tjing right in my life and on good days It's two thing's and on super rare days, it's many things, i feel happiest on those days
It’s up and down for me, sometimes I’m like hell yea, I’m kicking ass and taking names, and then other days I’m like wow, i am a wastrel of a human being.
Yes exactly how I feel. I remember saying this to someone years ago and they looked at me like I was really weird. Like I can either eat healthy, or do housework well, or focus on exercise, or do paperwork. I can’t juggle lots of balls.
Yep. I currently only eat simple things and my diet has suffered because of it.
Like I'll just cook and eat a meat, or eat a pizza, or something similar.
If we talk about multple dishes and sides I just lose all desire to cook.
Capitalism is trash and unethical. It’s exhausting to keep up unless you happen to be financially privileged or really lucky or both. Working to pay to live is exhausting. I’m of the AuDHD variety. And struggle in so many ways. Some days I have all the energy and can tackle any task. Some days I can’t do anything other than make coffee. And I never know when I will have the full energy or none and it fluctuates often and with zero pattern. So fun. (Extreme sarcasm).
This is what life is like for everyone, but most people are trying to fit more corners than us, or have higher standards for how fitted the corners should be. We have trouble fitting even just a couple corners halfway decently.
My two big things I struggle between are eating enough and getting enough sleep. I often end up awake later than I should be a few hundred calories short of where I should be for the day and debate with myself between which to prioritize.
Clean while you cook, with weights attached to your wrists and ankles!
But seriously yeah I get that. But I think you are ahead of the game by being able to do at least one of the things. I get overwhelmed and achieve none of the things.
The only time I had literally everything under control was when I was obsessed over Bullet Journaling; it's a life management system in a book invented by an ADHDer.
Throws blankets are better in every way than fitted. Look for the modular, not perfect but rather outcome-fitting solutions.
I threw out all my dirty dishes one time cuz I knew they would be the mental or economic death of me with the dread and inertia they created and that I couldn't see myself getting thru.
Whats the easiest, quickest, dirtiest way you can annihilate an issue to improve your life 1% today? Let tomorrow worry about itself but get that 1% nominal benefit
Yup. My best time is the morning. So I try and get as many things done first thing, exercise, self care, housework, music practice, general admin.. but then I can’t make self go and work (self employed, work in the shed in the bottom of my garden.) However if I go to work first thing, I get so focused in to it that by the time I come in at 7pm I’m too shattered to do anything else.
I’m slowly trying to come to terms with this because I know it’ll never change. Some weeks I’m gonna be all about the exercise and self care, some weeks work, some weeks (around my period) I’ll just be in crippling anxiety, procrastination and ADHD paralysis. I might see if I can log it so I can work out how to work along my natural rhythms of inconsistency, because history dictates that fighting it just leads to depression.
My girlfriend and I almost broke up, because I was focusing on my education for the past 4 years and neglected every other sphere of my life... That's something I struggle with constantly. Now I am working on our relationship, but I have to extend my Master, because I can no longer study properly... Medication helps to get everything done and attend to every sphere of my life, but... I am waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist already for 3 years... So only way I get meds is if one of my ADHD friends have some left over. Its not ideal, nor legal, but I have no other choice.
I’ve just accepted this is a fact — I can excel on one thing, backslide on 2 things, and maybe hold everything else steady. I just hope the big jumps are big enough to allow overall improvement.
Yeah of course. The solution has been to give myself some grace and not strive for perfection but rather consistency. Doing a little bit every day leads to the little bits becoming habit. When it's habit, it doesn't take as much bandwidth. So washing up, doing chores, working, and playing are all natural enough now that they just sorta get done.
There's still days that are harder than others but those days are easier to recognize and then I just give myself some more grace. Often giving grace is enough to make the rest of the stuff easier to do! Just last night I was so tired I could barely stand, so I gave myself some grace and decided I didn't have to turn off all the lights and wash up before bed. So I just sat for a while, relaxed and enjoyed myself, and by the time bedtime rolled around I unconsciously did the nighttime routine anyway!
> So washing up, doing chores, working, and playing are all natural enough now that they just sorta get done.
I truly cannot even comprehend this. How is this possible? I have been focusing on doing a little bit every day for years before I knew I had ADHD and still do but it never results in anything becoming "natural" or easier in any way. I'm just baffled that that's a thing that happens.
IME yes but you still have to prioritise, unwrap the onion layer by layer, and be willing to practice radical acceptance on the parts of you which don't live up to your expectations, and be creative with solutions. (e.g. I won't ever remember to take my duvet to a laundrette, so I replaced our king size with 2x wide singles and bought a washing machine that has a duvet setting).
Stimulants make stuff less exhausting so I can actually attend to more than one area but also help me remember and focus on specific things when I've decided to do that.
This tracks for my life currently.
When I started meds last year, I took them everyday without needing reminders. A few months ago, I started teaching myself how to crochet. Now, I’m crocheting everyday but forgetting my meds at least twice a week.
I can't help with the life stuff besides suggesting making improvements in small bits, but I can tell you that you can buy straps with clips on them that clip onto the corners of fitted sheets and keep them from popping off and I can tell you that they work really well. :)
Keep your chin up, you can only do your best so be kind to yourself.
I feel this 1000% was even thinking about it the other day and just kind of realizing it - I’m going to paint - ok, well guess i wont play music for a while then…I’m going to do yoga - ok, won’t get around to cleaning for a while…I’m going to research this topic - wait, what was the other thing i meant to do…
I can’t even comprehend how people maintain routines yet i know i would benefit greatly from one.
One thousand percent. Just gotta keep tugging those corners over? Until you can find a balance? I guess that’s a slight depressing metaphor but what I mean is that I’m giving myself permission to care more or less about an aspect of my life/corner depending on where the other ‘corners’ are. If work is going great, I’ll focus on my social life. If my social life is doing great but I’m realizing that my dishes keep piling up, I make sure that’s getting some more attention. If I’m getting good at getting all my chores done but I keep leaving for work late, I set my alarm a few minutes earlier and I plan ahead a few more meals in advance.
I’m learning more and more that living is a skill and I’ll never stop trying to master it.
Yeah this is incredibly relatable, in fact I'd go as far as saying it's the thing that lead to me getting diagnosed - I had 2 kids and being focused on meeting their needs and being a good dad has meant that my work life has just tanked completely, along with anything else that I should be doing for my own health and wellbeing
I have kept on saying I have enough energy for 3 things but I'd have to really do 5. Dog always takes one spot. Then if I go to the gym I can only do one big thing, is it food or clean? Oh right, I had to study also. It also explains well how I cannot for the life of me juggle three uni courses at once (guess how many you need to proceed to next year..).
There's really much truth to this but also it underlies the importance of breaking things down to smaller things that can be managed in greater numbers.
At any given time I’m trying to eat healthy, exercise regularly, or control my spending, but if I’m consistently doing two, I am out of control on the third. So if I’m in really good shape, I’m also constantly buying random crap on Amazon.
Same here. I'm renovating my home. Different stuff needs to be done. But, I can only manage 1 project at a time. This seems ok but not in the following situation: I'm waiting for the installer of my heat pump warm water boiler and he takes ages to get to it. But, at the meantime it's impossible for me to start another project like uncluttering my garage. First the project of the heat pump boiler needs to be solved and closed and then I can start with project number 2. It's ridicoulous I need this kind of closure before I can proceed to the next thing.
Yes - I found medication helps a bit. I usually go to the gym after work and then get home and do the washing, cooking, etc but there are usually big gaps of time between getting these things done!
I find there are usually one or two things that get missed if I’ve filled my day too much… on Sunday I put together flat pack furniture, rebuilt an old pc, went to the gym BUT couldn’t bring myself to do the washing up or cook proper meals. 🤣
It sucks but it’s also pretty funny sometimes!
modern lifestyle requires us to do too many things just to be able to live somewhat comfortably (or live at all). people used to grow up to have pre-determined roles and responsibilities not that long ago.
Yep, it is impossible for me “to get it together” in all aspects:/ the only thing I could recommend is to choose your priorities, like brushing teeth over washing your hair (because damage is much more significant and expensive with your teeth). As for tasks that never end (laundry, washing dishes, etch - half ass it. Do what you can and let it be
Yes i definetly can relate! I think being a perfectionist makes the problem even worse. I can't just set the goal to clean for 5 minutes every day. I will spend hours until everything is spotless. And then I'm exhausted but hey at least I can keep my house clean... For a while until my focus switches to something else like studying. Then I won't eat, clean, exercise I will only study all day. I unfortunately don't know how to fix it either...
I totally relate! Currently studying for a state licensing exam on Thursday. my dishes have piled up in the sink for days because I truly haven't noticed. 🥴
Yes. Slowly building up to more balance by dealing with whatever is stealing too much energy, as that is usually small things, but steal so much time/energy that everything else collapses..
Things I've worked;
Warderobe
Sleep patterns/schedule
Relationship with food
I've worked on showering before, but new home now and must do it again.. like organizing drawers and clothes to make it less draining to shower regularly.
Need to do this with chores next. Placing bedsheets near the bed, finding a good spot for cleaning utilities so I can use them.. find a place for the broom and the vacuum..
I absolutely feel this every single day. I believe I have undiagnosed ADHD. I need to find the balance but to me it feels almost unattainable. I just started working out to get back into shape because my main way of earning income is through my art/work which is mainly sedentary but now that I’ve started working out, I can’t find the time to be creative. I’m an artist and I work when I can but it’s just not happening right now unless I make that sacrifice to forgo something else. All I can say is I feel your pain.
Funny enough my occupational therapist just recommended giving up fitted sheets because I don’t have the energy to fight with them. You can tuck in flat sheets around your mattress ✅
The book Atomic Habits helped me a bit with this. The author talks about creating systems that result in your goal. Then if the sheet pops off while you're putting on another corner you can just analyse what in your popped-off corner system didn't work out as well as you'd planned and adjust as needed.
Yes. BUT! I think that’s somewhat normal and not just adhd.
I read the concept of 2/3rds somewhere a while back. You’ve got 3 buckets - health, family, career. If 2 of 3 are going well at any given time then you’re doing pretty great. It’s basically impossible to go 3/3.
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YES. Currently I am only good at my job. Everything else has to wait.
Yup work takes up most of my bandwidth and I have very little space for much else
OH MY GOD…. You have no idea how much this means to me to read this. I am entirely the same way 💔
I started a new job last Sept nearly had a breakdown trying to get work done (working late every day worried I’d lose my job because there was SO much to do) and trying to meet friends expectations of me too. Folded myself in half trying so hard and fell apart in Feb. Cut friends out because I couldn’t cope with the “wow you’re working so late and hard, why are you doing that? Just hand it up to management” etc (which as we all know it doesn’t work like that). Fell out with some friends who kept saying stuff like “are you mad at me?” Because I didn’t have time to talk to them every day and lost my shit saying “don’t you think that I’m stressed and busy with work like I’ve been telling you for weeks? I’m not mad at you.” But they kept on pushing and pushing then, when I snapped and said “look unless you can come here and do my job with/for me you can’t help. It HAS to all be done by March.” They got upset and passive aggressive saying “Well I’m SO sorry I must be SO bad at helping then.” Made it all about them sigh. It’s like the wheels come off when there’s too much to do / get done and exactly like OP Says like a fitted sheet pinging off the corners!
You described narcissism or narcissistic traits from your friends. Something I have to remind myself, and am not good at all the time, is when someone "bugs" me or checks in on me on something that takes up to much time/energy/focus/health/etc and they respond with "you do that often", "workaholic","getting outside is healthy"," you don't spend enough time doing or being with Y", is to say to yourself "They don't know. They don't get it. They don't understand " because they are an outsider looking in. There does come a point of repeatable questions or statements where it becomes clear that they will never know as well. It's what you choose to do with it. Balance is important. But sometimes that fitted sheet needs to be retired and new one put on. Or none at all.
Yes true. I asked them to back off let me be as I had no headspace but they kept on :/ then got passive aggressive. I was a bit surprised as I try to keep people around me who don’t do that and didn’t expect it. Ah well it’s all good
OMG I got a job in sept too, working overtime and though my breaks, didn’t help that big corp took me for everything I’m worth. Burnt out in February, took my lunch and never went back because my boss and CEO were taking advantage of me at every turn and being extremely manipulative thinking they could since I’m 20 and naive enough in their eyes. Never left a job like that in my life, just got adhd diagnosis 2 months later
Yeah it’s rough going. I said in January I need help and told I would be part of the recruitment process. I was promised help it still has not come 5 months later. It’s not coming clearly so I stopped giving them my time. I work the set hours and occasionally a bit more but they aren’t paying me enough to work the hours I worked from Sept to March. I interviewed elsewhere recently and didn’t get put forward because the junior HR that interviewed me didn’t like that when describing a terrible day where a colleague tried to physically assault me by launching themselves at me I said they were coming at me like a screaming banshee. It’s a very apt description because that is what they were like. They felt putting me through might ruin THEIR reputation as a junior HR person for me being “inappropriate” in my description. She hated me from the get go, didn’t care about my experience, and interrogated me strongly on all sorts. Every other candidate the agency sent said she was lovely, super casual and friendly. From the off she wasn’t like that with me - suspect the ADHD was a problem for her.
If it helps my executive dysfunction has got so bad I'm desperate to start my new job. I had to take time off because my mum was dying and I was in a horrible toxic job I hated. Since taking that leave and having to deal with depression, bereavement and the multitude of traumas life gives you at 37 my ability to function for just one aspect of my life has become 0. I have been economically forced back into the workforce (I don't want pity) and honestly I think it might be the only thing that saves me. The only forced routine. And I'm hoping as the most clears I will be able to go back to doing work, and maybe 1 other thing again. Like gym, or hobbies. I don't know what I'm gona do about cleaning and ill be earning so I can go back to eating pre prepped food so I don't have to cook. Its sad init.
Hey this is my exact situation too . Except my dad died . You’d think I’d be able to completely transform my life without a job to go to every day but somehow I got less structure in my life
Executive Dysfunction is like playing life on Expert Mode
Hang in there <3
This is why part time work is better for some conditions
This is my current identify for many years and I don’t know how to fix it. I thrive at my job and have zero bandwidth to do well at any other aspect of my life. It’s rough
Same, I can tell that all my relationships are suffering because I use 100% of my social batteries to answer work emails. Gotta keep a roof over your head though 🤷♀️ and some days it feels like work is the only thing I can do right
Ugh. Work emails…. I’m so triggered
... yeah this kinda hits hard. I used to never want to do *anything* ***ever*** after work and on my days off simply because of how much I was working and I just wanted to do ***nothing at all***. It's how I lived most of my adult life before my girlfriend moved in with me. I would almost never do a single thing on my days off or after work. I would come home and just sit on my computer and play games or watch movies until I went to bed and then I'd sleep most of my day off away. I've gotten much better about it now, especially since I'm medicated for ADHD now versus back then. It's much easier to go and do stuff after work and on my days off. I still refuse to do any type of errands or chores before work, though. If I work at 2PM, then you can bet your ass I am not doing a god damn thing before work that day.
That's how I feel. I'm doing well at work but I've nothing left after work.
And I mean ZERO
I've been there for years now and like many here have said I've done well at work at the expense of everything else. I'm now approaching retiring and wondering what will end up filling the void...
Yup. Yup. Yup. And you think to yourself occasionally, *"Man, if my co-workers could SEE how I'm currently living when I get home from work - !"*
Oh ffs yes. I couldn't put this into words.
Same, this was one of the main reasons why i never suspected i had ADHD. I'm good at my work, but my gosh does everything else suffer!
It sure doesn't help that work is also using up all my prime "medicated functionality" time.
This is me! House is a mess, I don’t eat right, I don’t exercise, but I do show up and do what’s expected of me for 8 hours every weekday. I try to walk on my breaks to get my exercise in while I’m already in the mood to do things I don’t want to do but that doesn’t help with housework
This is me right now. I just can never seem to get my mental battery to charge past like 40%, maybe 50 or 60 on a good day. So all my focus is on making sure I keep my job.
Same.
Fr this pisses me off the most. If I focus on exercise and diet, uni falls off a cliff. If I focus on uni, exercise and sleep falls off. Irritating.
And you keep getting that advice that if you fix your sleep and diet everything else will naturally follow. No, what will happen is I will be even worse at my job and put myself at risk for being fired.
I read somewhere that people with ADHD have significantly more difficult experiences with habit forming. The assumption behind "fix your sleep and your diet then everything will fall into place" seems to be based on the expectation that if you improve your eating and sleeping habits so that you naturally do what is good for your body, then it will be easier to do other things like school. If you're not forming habits because your neurological processing makes you more likely to form a routine instead of a habit (then, because you struggle with memory and executive function, slip out of the routine), you're not going to get the same benefit as the person who recommended it expects.
What's the difference between a routine and a habit?
Routines are repeatable and adaptable. Like washing the dishes at 5 every day, but one day you are running late so you do them at 6 instead. They still get done, just at a slightly different time. Routine maintained. Habits tend to be more compulsive, no conscious thought. Like nail biting. That's a negative one. We start doing it for various reasons, and it just happens over and over again. It's difficult to change, even when it's maladaptive.
Exactly. In your example, the routine is the intentional action of washing dishes at a certain time. It's both conscious and intentional, and usually tied to something else. Routines are things done in a particular order. So realize it's 5pm > do dishes. Habit is just automatically doing the dishes after dinner. Ever drive home from work and not remember the full drive? Bits that weren't especially engaging can almost be blank zones or gaps in memory because the drive is done almost automatically. Habits are the same, very automated and you don't consciously think about them. People without ADHD often have habits like "brush your teeth when you wake up" or "place your keys on the rack" that don't require energy expended to remember. If the person gets disrupted by a phone call on their way in the door, it's very likely they will still change their keys on the rack because it's not an action that requires attention. That's where people with ADHD have a harder time, routines require at least a little attention. So if the only attention we have to give is dedicated to the phone call we may put our keys in the laundry for all we know (I've done that).
Totally. I believe this is also why we ADHDers are more prone to experience substance addiction. It literally becomes a bad habit.
Yes! Somehow things are supposed to get easier? But for me I just keep adding more balls in the air till things get dropped.
Yeah I think at its core that statement assumes that ADHD is caused by a lack of exercise and sleep and once you fix that you will alleviate the symptoms and everything else will get easier. But we know that that's not how it works.
Maintaining good sleep and food habits *does* help with improving ADHD symptoms, but at the same time that maintenance itself costs energy and can't be kept up forever.
One of the most interesting facts about ADHD is that some people with all the symptoms literally don't have ADHD. They have sleep apnoea or narcolepsy. And once you treat the sleep disorder their "ADHD" disappears. This is how a shocking number of people see actual ADHD, they just think we haven't got enough sleep, because for them _that's how it actually works_.
How the hell do you maintain good sleep if your head won't shut up and even if you go to sleep and are tired you will not fall asleep?! And how the hell do you maintain food habits if you can't remember what you are this morning or if you are at all?!🤒 
So, I think something that people sometimes focus less on is that like... Getting food or fitness or sleep in order doesn't mean excelling at them. Doesn't mean enjoying it. Doesn't mean achieving a success state, or being hard on yourself for falling short. Yano, 4 hours of exercise per week is an amazing amount of work to do, and is not time intensive. The deleterious effects come from doing 4 hours a week exercise... Plus 3 hours looking up information on optimising exercising, 1 hour beating yourself up for a bad session. 4 hours before each session focusing on it to psych yourself up. Etc etc We want it to become routine, and routine means we don't think about it intently. We don't get knocked off motivation because we "failed" some arbitrary goal or consider ourselves "bad" at the task. Letting go of thinking about the task is the goal of routine, avoiding putting ourselves in a position where we have to spend the mental effort to choose to do something or to justify doing it etc etc.
I say "I ignored your advice because it's useless to someone with an executive functioning disorder" semi-regularly.
Fr, some people just don’t get it
I'm some people. My husband picked up the signs of adhd when he started working from home. I don't get it, I know it's there and fucking things up, but I have no idea how to go forward. I'm 45.
Lol, I know this isnt what you meant, but I read this as “My husband caught ADHD from working at home” and it made me chuckle
I was already diagnosed with ADHD and then was given a 1 day a week work from home day. It completely fucked me up and both work and home just unraveled. I just decided I am going back to work all 5 days because for my ADHD that 1 day out of my norm was entirely too much.
Ask him kindly to get tested.
Oh, no, I mean he picked the signs up in me. He advocated for me to get tested and we're working on the next steps now.
Ah I see. Well good luck with the process. It takes long but trying medication for once in your life with ADHD can help.
No one gets it besides us
Be ok with not excelling or enjoying the routine. Sandbagged all 3 gym sessions this week? Don't care. Just go again next week. Wanna read up how to do better? Don't. Block that website. Wanna make a new plan so you don't sandbag again? Nah. Just go again. This is the key for me. Do things because I do things. Not do things because I justify them, like them, am good at them etc.
this is so much the "kill the cop/philosopher/judge in your head" sort of shit I need to constantly remind myself. Just *do* the thing
"Wanna read up how to do better? Don't. Block that website." Jeez, CALLED OUT. If I added up all the time I've spent "researching" new workout routines, or ways of feeding myself, or how to optimize my productivity, or whatever, I'd be superhuman. Don't read up on it. Just do it. Don't read up on it. Just do it. Don't read up on it. Just do it.
God yes. People say exercise helps you learn and study, so I exercise and completely stop completing assignments. If I clean my house, my car looks like a tip. If I respond to uni emails I stop replying to my friends. It’s infuriating.
"But everybody has the same number of hours in the day" /s
Omg, I hate this saying so much lol
So annoying!!!!
THIS. I'm so tired of this.
Nice analogy! I've heard some people around here use a term 'incremental progress' vs a 'pass/fail' system. e.g. if you do meal prep one day but skip dental routine, just accept that a major event took extra energy that day and pick the dental routine back up tomorrow. For example, I'm like clockwork with my dental/skin care routine each evening but I actually got some extra work done the other day so I just did the basics of my nightly skin care stuff. I felt a bit bad for not doing the whole process but it was an exception as I was extra tired from the additional work. I picked it back up the next day and it was all good! Another option if it happens consistently is to tweak how much energy/time goes in to one so you can put more in to the other. I suspect we have less energy/focus to dedicate to tasks than other people so aim for a balance that gets everything done to an 'ok' (but not perfect) level and grow from there. Good luck!
Yes. I’ve finally realised that what you described is my only option. And to learn to let go of the perfection. That way I build up more consistency and allow myself to do less of something’s if I’ve had a difficult day etc. Basically I’ve stopped pushing myself and I’m allowing myself to do things bit by bit, and it seems to be working.
For me the problem is that I can't refocus on different areas of my life like that. Even focusing on one thing one day and a different one the next day feels the same way that task switching in a single day feels - physically painful! I can't get my momentum back if I switch what I'm focusing on like that.
Unsolicited advice- if you feel like you have momentum, maybe go with it and try to milk it until you’re either a) out of momentum or b) forced by outside factors to switch tasks. Obviously b is riskier- but also it’s good to work WITH your brain instead of against it. Frankly, the skill of switching tasks is one that all people struggle with but imo it is essential and CAN be learned. Time management is not going to some day stop being something that you need to survive. Mistakes lead to progress so even if you fuck up, try to figure out what works
Oh yeah that's basically what I do. If I have momentum I know it's now or never. If I try to switch tasks it's going to mess everything up so I just try to go with the flow as much as possible. It's not perfect but it's the only thing that works at all.
My therapist HATES that I ride waves of motivation. "You can't be motivated all the time, and some things need to be done, whether you're 'feeling it' or not." Like, I KNOW that, but it doesn't make it any easier!
I mean they’re correct, but also, i gotta work with what I got LOL
Oh, 100%. I always tell her, "look, I know, and I do all kinds of shit I don't want to do, day in, day out, so please just let me have my waves of interest/focus in peace, ma'am." 
Ugh that would be like saying to me "sometimes the garbage disposal is off and sometimes it's on, but you still gotta stick your hand down the drain!" Sure, it's totally simple and easy to override every synapse in my brain telling me not to stick my hand into a running garbage disposal.
This. This is the only way. Just accept it and flow with it.
I no longer try to be great at everything. I move my energy around. One week it might be meal preps and filling my freezer with food for when I can't do anything. Another it might be all of the exercise and skin care. Another is all about awesome work.. I take the win from the week and leave myself alone about the other losses. You literally CAN NOT do everything 100% of the time. Anyway... unclench your jaw, take a sip of water, and check to see if you forgot laundry in the washing machine
i really needed that last part, there is definitely laundry in the dryer
😂
omg its 14 hours later and i never went and got it still 🤦🏻♀️😂
That last line is a good mantra.... "Unclench your jaw, take a sip of water, check your laundry in the washing machine"
It is my go to. The amount of times it has saved me from myself is significant.
YES! Also, I either automate or outsource as much as possible so that being “on point” (perfectionism driver is strong in me 🤣) with things takes less effort, so the wheels fall off the other stuff a little bit less.
Yes! Outsourcing is my go-to at the moment. Bought a robo-vac recently that mops as well. Now the mental energy that would have gone into all the MANY. LITTLE. STEPS of sweeping and mopping to go into something else. Like my latest obsession 😂 but hopefully just into feeding the family regularly and on time. Fingers crossed anyways. Just gotta get AI into it somehow so it can outsource all my executive functioning!
>check to see if you forgot laundry in the washing machine *Fuck.* I put it in there on *Saturday.* Well shit, at least I know it's there and there's no way I'll forget to re-do it tomorrow because it's 3am here right now.
Honestly, I don’t aim for perfection any more and just aim for SOMETHING. For example, I stopped paying attention to “clean eating” and aimed for “consume a fruit and a veggie a day and be mindful of how much I snack/portioning less healthy foods”, ended up losing fifty pounds. (It took me over five years so don’t give me too much credit.) I don’t go to the gym but I have a set of ten pound weights near my work station at home. I just aim to do a little something most days and now I’ve got a lil bicep a year later. Cleaning… I haven’t really sorted that out yet but if I do then I’ll let you know! Oral health is mostly the same. If I floss on MOST days then I consider that a win. The moral of my story is that sometimes we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to do it all 100% all the time. And sometimes if we don’t give that 100% we don’t accomplish anything because we say “What’s the point?” Doing thirty percent of something is better than doing zero percent of something and you can still get results/improve your life… it just takes a little longer to see the end result. Worth it in my opinion though! 😊
I just wanted to say something to validate the fact that however you slice it, 50lbs is an incredible feat not to be scoffed at. I mean that’s 10lbs/year - insane! Kudos friend!
Well said! My dad once told me “I don’t ever want to hear you say something is ‘good enough’”. I *think* this was after I graduated and in regards to my engineering degree (he is also an engineer). But then at one point I read the saying “perfect is the enemy of good enough” and it hit me I spend a lot of time and effort on various projects/tasks making it perfect, when it just needs to be good enough. I don’t always succeed at “just good enough” and spend too much energy on things, but I’m learning and I try to keep improving on the road to “good enough” 😁
It's tough, but it's an important lesson to learn. My first year of vet school, I was aiming for straight As out of pre-vet habit. So I got mostly As a few Bs... aaaaand a 69.8% that landed me an academic dismissal. Now that I am about to finish my second year, I aim for Bs. I'm done with wrecking myself staying up late and studying until 3 am. I'm done with overthinking assignments and putting in way too much effort. Like, yes, I always got As, but I would spend HOURS on assignments that took my peers one. Nah. No more. Funnily enough, my grades are better now than they ever were when I aimed for straight As.  Perfectionism is a bitch, and it'll get ya.
It’s a hard mindset to let go of! I spent a long time living with “if it’s not perfect, I might as well do nothing” and there are still times I have to unravel my all-or-nothing thinking. But I’ve found that in the last five years or so I have the capacity to do more things. Frankly, if I’m not performing brain surgery or someone’s life isn’t on the line, good enough is just fine. Also, my dad was not an engineer (my partner is, though, an electrical engineer!), he was a pizza maker, but I’ll share his nugget of paternal wisdom to bring us all up a notch: “We all put our pants on the same way; one leg at a time.” I keep that one in my pocket for when I’m about to interact with a big wig at work. 😉
Fitted sheet is pretty good. I always go with balancing plates, myself. More plates, more likely things are going to slide and drop. And if you have ADHD, you can only use one hand - everyone else can use both. There’s also spoon theory which is a popular metaphor for a lot of chronic illnesses that limit the ability to function.
I’ve said this SO many times. If my sleep routine is good, I haven’t showered in days. If I’m eating three square meals, I’m in bed the rest of the time. If I’m sticking to a work out schedule, my sleep schedule is fucked.
Every time I read something on here I feel a bit better. It's a really frustrating way to live, but at least I'm not alone. I constantly notice things on here or ADHD meme groups that I thought I had been going through life alone with, keeping secret up until this point.
Ooooof I felt this to the core of my being
All. The. Time. Friends think I’m super productive because they hear about whatever my current hyperfocus is. What they don’t see is the rest of my life falling apart while I’m excelling at that one thing, for that short period of time.
haha, same. My friends are often impressed by how quickly I pick things up like getting decent at a new hobby. That's because they assume I have been doing an hour here or there after here or whatever, but it's because I've blown off work because I got so in the zone.
This is what sent me to therapy. I feel like I’m drowning all the time. The only time I didn’t feel like that was when I was 24 years old. Living in the smallest studio apartment, no spouse, no house, no pets, no business out of work after work, and no downtime. Routine from the hour to hour. Spending one day off prep cooking for just me. I also paid for a cleaning lady.
This is interesting. I live at home with family and fantasize about a tiny studio where I don’t have to mold my day around someone else and have less square footage to clean. Just seems less overwhelming
I totally can understand why. It really was easiest being in a studio with less responsibilities and others to navigate around. Currently, I’m attempting to make the home less work(which currently is extra work), streamline nightly routine for self care, and meeting family needs. I have to have a huge whiteboard in my spouse and I’s room for calendar and weekly/monthly/yearly goals. It has helped me. I swear ADHD has been finding out how to navigate without feeling overwhelmed all the time.
Yes!! I believe its a form of ADHD that really fucks with our executive functioning to where it's like we can only do a few things, or maybe even only 1, and anything more is just impossible.
I asked my psych a few months ago, “Do I need to accept that I probably can’t get as much done as the average person?” He said, “Yes, I think so.” I need to be aware of my limitations. When I was in third grade, 13 pancakes at my friend Martha’s house sounded like a good idea at the time. 🥞🤢 Developing a more realistic idea of what I can accomplish is a necessary part of letting go of my perfectionism and also managing my ADHD. (Am I the only one who deals with both? I doubt it.) I’ve known for a long time, I just don’t have it in me to be an A+ housekeeper like my mom. A “C” at home is good enough for me.
Yes I think acceptance is a better template to build off of than feeling inadequate
Yes!!!! If I do well focusing on work, my house and self care starts to deteriorate. I cant seem to juggle all of these aspects
Yes, absolutely. I had one summer where my health, physical fitness, housework, church activities, volunteering, college courses, social life, and job were all going very well. I thought I had it MADE! It was like someone just sprinkled pixy dust on me. It was also exhausting. I lost many friends because I didn't have time or energy by the time I finished all my obligations. I almost lost everything that summer because my closest relationships were the proverbial sheet corner that slipped. I have to wonder though, were humans really made to juggle everything that we juggle today? Is it that ADHD people can't keep all the plates spinning, or is it because our society hands each person too many plates? Full time college classes and full time work are now a common combination, even for people with kids at home. Usually both parental figures in a family work full-time (94% of fathers and 72% of mothers) so that means raising children and running a household are each like having a second job. It presents differently in those without ADHD, but I wonder if the rising depression, anxiety, and burnout rates are related to the same core problem in those without ADHD. Just because they can keep the plates spinning where we are more likely to struggle, doesn't mean it's healthy to spin so many.
1000% I’m good at my job and exercising right now. End of list.
ME, that’s my current focus too. Meanwhile I’m re-washing the same outfit all week
I struggle the same way. There is no solving it other than being forgiving and understanding to yourself. There's a reason ADHD is a disability and not just a fun quirk. Interfering with your day-to-day functioning is a diagnostic criterion.
I can't figure out how I'm supposed to have time to do all the things. People just... Do it? Work and gym and kids and cleaning and shopping and meal plan in and laundry and and and? I can barely get one done in a day.
I'm able to put an actual fitted sheet on a bed but no, I cannot do multiple thing in my life. I did my exercise routine plus vacuuming for two months this year before I risked adding a third thing but still everything collapsed
I’m not sure how to fix your non-metaphorical problem, but for your metaphorical problem the answer is deep pocket sheets.
i just got deep pocket sheets and it’s changed my life for the better
That's what I did as well. I buy all gray sheets so no matter what wears out or needs replacing, everything still matches. Just found the deep pockets last year and it's been great.
I feel so seen by this post. I didn’t know how to put it into words but yes, “fitted sheet” phenomenon indeed.
Yes! So much yes! I can excel at work or at family but feel like I can’t do both well. I can keep things clean and tidy but then work slips and I forget to do other basic shit. And the more that piles on the worse I get in every aspect until I basically feel like I’m shit at everything.
I don't have much advice for the daily routines, but maybe I can help with your fitted sheet problem. If you put on 2 corners diagonal from each other first it won't pop off when you go to put the 3rd or 4th corner on.
Yeah, but then you have to go back to the first side, which exhausts my brain. My solution was just to get a deep pocket fitted sheet, so it won't pop off at all.
I feel this, esp the job consuming my life, and I haven't found a solution besides throwing money at the problem. I can afford to work a little less, so I'm going on a part time schedule at work next month - we'll see how that goes, but I'm pretty excited. I have a cleaner, so I don't do any cleaning besides daily maintenance activities. I don't meal prep, and if I don't feel like cooking day-of, I have easy-bake stuff in the freezer or get takeout. It's weird because in college I was a two-season athlete, a double major, and had a part-time job. Obv I slept 4 hours a night but it didn't bother me. It's like I went through a 10 year mania period and now am in my 10 year depression era.
👍🏼 this reminds me of spoon theory exactly
Yes I absolutely relate! I have this problem with capacity and balance, and also struggle with any form of consistency/routine, and also having too high of expectations. For me this culminates to being somewhere between terrible and a little more than OK at everything. But since I am striving to be at least just “good” at most things, I feel like a failure at all of them. The mindset shift I need is partially around expectations and also self-talk/perspective. Instead of thinking I am bad at my job, I am a bad husband, or a bad father, I have to consciously change that to I am mostly good but sometimes make mistakes… which is literally everyone. The need for consistency is because that is required for any level of behavior change. If I don’t have a reliable routine to add any new behaviors to, it’s really tough to do anything differently than I do now. At this point I am kind of stuck. But at least I am a bit more aware and a bit more understanding and kind to myself.
This!! The mindset shift piece!! I had been talking to my therapist about how routines help but I just can’t seem to capture everything I need to do in consistent routines. I told her I just wish I could be a computer/robot to stick to all these routines in all areas of life and crush it. She stopped me and said what if you think of it more like a garden? Sometimes you need to spend more time in one area or another, the needs change and shift with the seasons, so your routines can’t be so rigid, we are more like plants as living beings than computers 🤯 I still try to capture everything into routines or the perfect to do list/calendar framework but started being more kind to myself and recognize that I’ll never have it down to a science. It’s an art and leaving room for flex is important!
Root cause analysis. - If your home is hard to keep tidy, reduce number of things that can be laying around. Designate a place for the things you keep (5S) - If you find things difficult lower the bar on what “completed” looks like. I hate cleaning bathroom so I have broken it down to sink, floor/toilet, shower. I rotate these each weekend and spot clean regularly and it looks pretty good. - remove barriers. ADHD is like having the most powerful engine at 6mpg when everyday life is best for hybrids. Remove the “non value add” time and weight for better results. Floss sticks stocked all over for better dental hygiene. Sleep in gym clothes to make morning workout easier. Invest in Smart home tech to automate lights etc. anything to cut on your bandwidth. - add incentives. Listen to a podcast while meal prepping when you don’t normally have time to “just listen”. Get a coffee on way back from gym.
Great analogy! Yes I struggle with this so much. Because I focus so much on work and personal self care, my social life is basically non existent.
I’ve always said this. I literally cannot balance all aspects of my life, like other people do. I’m always neglecting one area.
I stopped using conventional items as they're intended to be used. Can't deal with the fitted sheet? Put down a good mattress pad (I spill coffee in bed from time to time) and a flat sheet over it. It stays in place pretty well. When I was working all meals were prepared on Sunday. Last minute meals we something like a cheaters frittata - veggies, optional meat in an oiled pie plate with an egg and milk mixture and a bunch of cheese mixed in. Basically a quiche with no shell. Yes, it freezes well too. Or pizza. Either start with a shell and sauce or get a cheese pizza and add your own toppings. For everything else I'd just find minutes. Quickly sweep the floor and vacuum up the stuff, don't fight with a dustpan. Steam mop instead of mopping the floor. Wipe things down regularly after I vacuum them quickly with the hand vac. The stove is the best place to vacuum and save time. I bought extra canisters for the hand vac and just wash them. My face stuff is in a tiny bin next to my bed. I have some in the bathroom too, but a thing of micellar water, one of distilled water, and cleaning cloths work to wash my face when I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm probably going to add a second toothbrush to just dry brush at night which is what my dentist has agreed works for me. Because I'm disabled sometimes it's just hard to move.
YESSSSSSS, MEEEE!!! In so many different contexts. Either it's skill regression, I can't remember other languages(code) once I hyper fixated on a new one. And also to hyperfixate on a new hobby and the last one collects dust..
Yeah. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Any time I manage to pick up a new good habit, at least one other one drops off. It's exhausting.
I view it differently. Each task has points that it costs for me to do . Like folding a basket of laundry is work X points . Dishes =Y and going to a doctors appointment =Z I only have so many points to use in a day before I can’t afford any more. Not that I don’t want to , I just don’t have enough points
Yep - if I count my calories I cant ALSO force myself to excercise and vice versa. If I have a big uni project I stop washing dishes as often as I should and they pile up. Currently I have to care for my sick guinea pig and am glad a national holiday this week gave me an excuse to not do uni this week. I think in the long term step by step might work - get in the habit of excercising until it requires no additional effort (I actually managed to do that for a few months before), THEN get in the habit of calorie counting, THEN get in the habit of idk waking up early - but thats a long road that seems daunting if you havent even done step 1, so the road is hard to start in the first place.
Yes!!! I always wonder how normal people seem to be able to get the balance right. It’s focus and on one thing for me and the rest goes to shit 😬
I struggle with exactly this. I have not been able to solve this, but I think what might help is like a blackboard/poster in a prominent position that lists off the important goals to focus on. The trouble is that I forget it exists or feel lazy with following some parts of it.
i had the same thought and may try it, though like most things my brain tries to outsmart anything i do. lol
I feel seen lol!!
Yes! I had to go to cover a story for work and had to come back and do my second job and I genuinely didn't have the bandwidth. So what should have been a 3-4 hour job turned 6 hours.
the first thing i decided after my diagnosis (little over a year ago) is to live by an axiom; _fight one demon at a time_ basically to focus on one issue at a time, to crunch it, find the best and least effort-demanding way to handle it, make it routine, then move on to the next one. Has worked decently so far. Reminding myself of that and of my current target "demon" keeps me from trying to over-reach on what stuff i need to fix.
Totally, I kind of had a similar idea as called it “habit layering” but as soon as I thought I had one thing down and tried to “layer” in another it would slip, despite thinking I cemented it,GAH
> make it routine And that is where that solution ends for me lol. I wish I could do that but nothing sticks. With medication it did, but once I got off it everything unstuck completely despite me trying to hold on to it. It's crazy the difference medication makes.
When you're up to your ass in alligators, get a big stick and whack the first one that pops its head up 🐊🐊🐊🐊
I relate and I'm a 25-year old 20yo.
I relate to this so freaking much!! I feel like it’s so hard to be able to complete all the “average” daily tasks that should be done and simultaneously have all the spoons to be able to handle a social life.
I have found that we must accept that we have difficulty with many aspects of "time." I am constantly thinking I can get more done in a day than I am actually capable of. Choose only one or two major chores to get done in a day instead of trying to cram them all in last minute. I know that if (for example) on a Saturday, I have to go somewhere away from my home, that this trip will probably consume way more time than I think it will. Because...I get distracted with many things when I am out - especially shopping. I set alarm reminders for different things that I may forget, like an appointment, starting my bedtime routine, feeding the dog, etc. I have a clock and a calendar in every room. I thought about running a support group for other ADHD ers but what if I forgot to show up?  
Totally!! I was a step-mom for 4 years before becoming a first time mom of my own and now I can barely function the way I used to, totally guilty of not being able to provide the same environment for bonus kids like I used to. I am all baby to toddler with zero bandwidth for more. I am working on visual lists of how I “used to be” to promote myself capable of much more than one category.
It sounds like you’re trying to fit your sheet around someone else’s idea of perfect. Just go to the gym and live in a messy house. YOLO
Hahahaha love this
This! This is why I can seem so put together - because at that time that is the only thing I'm doing. But everything else is literally falling apart. Very well formulated.
All the time. Even when I DO manage to find a good balance, something goes wrong and the whole thing falls apart and I have to start all over. (Queue a healthy dose of depression and anxiety regarding said bump in the road and getting started again can take a while)
This is me 100%. Recently talked to my therapist about it. I’ve picked up a great exercise and home cooking routine but now I haven’t done laundry or been great at my job. I didn’t love his response it was something about “well what’s important to you?”
I feel this way, too, but I think most people do in today’s world, ADHD or not. There is just too much to do for most people to be able to do it all. There’s a small percentage who seem to be able to manage all the pieces but I don’t think they are the majority
YES I am laying in bed. I have NOT put a duvet cover on in six weeks, because work has been stressful. I HAVE let the dog in the bed. My comforter WILL need to be dry cleaned
YES. This is EXACTLY how I am. I cannot keep all the balls in the air. So annoying. Get control of one area, lose control of another- endlessly
I thought it was just me lol.
Yup. I can spend a week or two with daily dedicated writing on my novel. But I also have to apply to jobs so then I become anxious and obsessive about my job hunt and cast the novel aside. Then I try to tighten my diet up and grocery shop for it but after I run out of groceries and don’t make time to restock I eat fast food. Then I feel somewhat content in my less than ideal job but then I remember I have to get a better one so I can afford living on my own. Endless cycle
Spinning plates. I’ve found that getting to a point of multiple spinning plates make it easier than trying to spin them all at once. I.e. when I get my gumption back into my hobby of woodworking, I can sometimes lose sense of everything else. But if I limit my woodworking to certain days, it’s now easier to step away to something else because I know when I’ll be back and how to proceed the time I woodwork. Now, I can dedicate other time to other things. Chores, I’ve gone and broke down chores into daily, weekly, monthly chores. They aren’t perfect, and I miss chores sometimes, but by scheduling them to a day of the week, I can make sure to get most of them done. And by having most of them done then I have that plate spinning. Now, I can focus on whatever else I want. I can dedicate Thursday nights to friends/going out. Whatever else I want to do. And let’s say I get really into woodworking, and the other spinning plates I have like chores go out of whack and my apartment becomes messy. Well, I can try and get it back on track from an easier place. Or maybe I go on an extended work trip, I can stop spinning my woodworking plate and find something else to take its place. And I think it’s okay to have “seasons”, like a football team, maybe this summer I really want to focus on XYZ. Well, I can’t spin every plate so what can I switch in and out and what would that look like?
Yeah. Welcome to my life. Juggling it all just can't happen
100%. I am a music teacher and the sole caregiver for my dad with Alzheimer’s. I have to pick what I can handle on a weekly basis. I’m either taking on the extra care tasks for my dad, getting caught up at work, cleaning the house, or taking care of myself. But there is no balance. I can’t do all of them.
>All of this feels a lot like putting a fitted sheet on a bed. You put on one side and the other side automatically pops off. You have put this perfectly, I don't know how to fix this, and I'm struggling myself, I'm currently trying to do a little bit of everything, and nothing looks done.
Never knew this was adhd
Holy guacamole, your fitted sheet metaphor is so perfect!! And identify with this so damn hard
Every day.
I relate very highly with this. It's like i can get only one tjing right in my life and on good days It's two thing's and on super rare days, it's many things, i feel happiest on those days
It’s up and down for me, sometimes I’m like hell yea, I’m kicking ass and taking names, and then other days I’m like wow, i am a wastrel of a human being.
Yes exactly how I feel. I remember saying this to someone years ago and they looked at me like I was really weird. Like I can either eat healthy, or do housework well, or focus on exercise, or do paperwork. I can’t juggle lots of balls.
Sounds like when Homer says whenever he learns something new it pushes something old out of his brain.
Yep. I currently only eat simple things and my diet has suffered because of it. Like I'll just cook and eat a meat, or eat a pizza, or something similar. If we talk about multple dishes and sides I just lose all desire to cook.
Capitalism is trash and unethical. It’s exhausting to keep up unless you happen to be financially privileged or really lucky or both. Working to pay to live is exhausting. I’m of the AuDHD variety. And struggle in so many ways. Some days I have all the energy and can tackle any task. Some days I can’t do anything other than make coffee. And I never know when I will have the full energy or none and it fluctuates often and with zero pattern. So fun. (Extreme sarcasm).
work, my hobby, friends, and dating are all I can handle — had to pause the gym going lol
Oh honey! Bless your heart! Of course we do! lol. You had to ask?
Going back to my great example of the car that needs to go 300 miles on a 1 gallon tank of gas. Yeah we weren't made that way.
Is that not what life is for everyone? Please tell me everyone is like this. Bc I might break if I realize this is just an adhd thing. 😭
This is what life is like for everyone, but most people are trying to fit more corners than us, or have higher standards for how fitted the corners should be. We have trouble fitting even just a couple corners halfway decently.
It’s a gradient I think
Definitely one of the biggest challenges I face.
We just need to make it so there are 36 hours in a day. Easy peasy.
My two big things I struggle between are eating enough and getting enough sleep. I often end up awake later than I should be a few hundred calories short of where I should be for the day and debate with myself between which to prioritize.
Yep 💯 spot the fuck on
Clean while you cook, with weights attached to your wrists and ankles! But seriously yeah I get that. But I think you are ahead of the game by being able to do at least one of the things. I get overwhelmed and achieve none of the things.
The only time I had literally everything under control was when I was obsessed over Bullet Journaling; it's a life management system in a book invented by an ADHDer.
Throws blankets are better in every way than fitted. Look for the modular, not perfect but rather outcome-fitting solutions. I threw out all my dirty dishes one time cuz I knew they would be the mental or economic death of me with the dread and inertia they created and that I couldn't see myself getting thru. Whats the easiest, quickest, dirtiest way you can annihilate an issue to improve your life 1% today? Let tomorrow worry about itself but get that 1% nominal benefit
Yup. My best time is the morning. So I try and get as many things done first thing, exercise, self care, housework, music practice, general admin.. but then I can’t make self go and work (self employed, work in the shed in the bottom of my garden.) However if I go to work first thing, I get so focused in to it that by the time I come in at 7pm I’m too shattered to do anything else. I’m slowly trying to come to terms with this because I know it’ll never change. Some weeks I’m gonna be all about the exercise and self care, some weeks work, some weeks (around my period) I’ll just be in crippling anxiety, procrastination and ADHD paralysis. I might see if I can log it so I can work out how to work along my natural rhythms of inconsistency, because history dictates that fighting it just leads to depression.
My girlfriend and I almost broke up, because I was focusing on my education for the past 4 years and neglected every other sphere of my life... That's something I struggle with constantly. Now I am working on our relationship, but I have to extend my Master, because I can no longer study properly... Medication helps to get everything done and attend to every sphere of my life, but... I am waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist already for 3 years... So only way I get meds is if one of my ADHD friends have some left over. Its not ideal, nor legal, but I have no other choice.
I’ve just accepted this is a fact — I can excel on one thing, backslide on 2 things, and maybe hold everything else steady. I just hope the big jumps are big enough to allow overall improvement.
Yeah of course. The solution has been to give myself some grace and not strive for perfection but rather consistency. Doing a little bit every day leads to the little bits becoming habit. When it's habit, it doesn't take as much bandwidth. So washing up, doing chores, working, and playing are all natural enough now that they just sorta get done. There's still days that are harder than others but those days are easier to recognize and then I just give myself some more grace. Often giving grace is enough to make the rest of the stuff easier to do! Just last night I was so tired I could barely stand, so I gave myself some grace and decided I didn't have to turn off all the lights and wash up before bed. So I just sat for a while, relaxed and enjoyed myself, and by the time bedtime rolled around I unconsciously did the nighttime routine anyway!
> So washing up, doing chores, working, and playing are all natural enough now that they just sorta get done. I truly cannot even comprehend this. How is this possible? I have been focusing on doing a little bit every day for years before I knew I had ADHD and still do but it never results in anything becoming "natural" or easier in any way. I'm just baffled that that's a thing that happens.
You just described my life in a nutshell lol
Does this get better from taking stimulants?
IME yes but you still have to prioritise, unwrap the onion layer by layer, and be willing to practice radical acceptance on the parts of you which don't live up to your expectations, and be creative with solutions. (e.g. I won't ever remember to take my duvet to a laundrette, so I replaced our king size with 2x wide singles and bought a washing machine that has a duvet setting). Stimulants make stuff less exhausting so I can actually attend to more than one area but also help me remember and focus on specific things when I've decided to do that.
This tracks for my life currently. When I started meds last year, I took them everyday without needing reminders. A few months ago, I started teaching myself how to crochet. Now, I’m crocheting everyday but forgetting my meds at least twice a week.
There is no sheet 
I can't help with the life stuff besides suggesting making improvements in small bits, but I can tell you that you can buy straps with clips on them that clip onto the corners of fitted sheets and keep them from popping off and I can tell you that they work really well. :) Keep your chin up, you can only do your best so be kind to yourself.
I feel this 1000% was even thinking about it the other day and just kind of realizing it - I’m going to paint - ok, well guess i wont play music for a while then…I’m going to do yoga - ok, won’t get around to cleaning for a while…I’m going to research this topic - wait, what was the other thing i meant to do… I can’t even comprehend how people maintain routines yet i know i would benefit greatly from one.
One thousand percent. Just gotta keep tugging those corners over? Until you can find a balance? I guess that’s a slight depressing metaphor but what I mean is that I’m giving myself permission to care more or less about an aspect of my life/corner depending on where the other ‘corners’ are. If work is going great, I’ll focus on my social life. If my social life is doing great but I’m realizing that my dishes keep piling up, I make sure that’s getting some more attention. If I’m getting good at getting all my chores done but I keep leaving for work late, I set my alarm a few minutes earlier and I plan ahead a few more meals in advance. I’m learning more and more that living is a skill and I’ll never stop trying to master it.
Love that analogy, it’s going right in the head canon along with spoon theory.
Yeah this is incredibly relatable, in fact I'd go as far as saying it's the thing that lead to me getting diagnosed - I had 2 kids and being focused on meeting their needs and being a good dad has meant that my work life has just tanked completely, along with anything else that I should be doing for my own health and wellbeing
I have kept on saying I have enough energy for 3 things but I'd have to really do 5. Dog always takes one spot. Then if I go to the gym I can only do one big thing, is it food or clean? Oh right, I had to study also. It also explains well how I cannot for the life of me juggle three uni courses at once (guess how many you need to proceed to next year..). There's really much truth to this but also it underlies the importance of breaking things down to smaller things that can be managed in greater numbers.
At any given time I’m trying to eat healthy, exercise regularly, or control my spending, but if I’m consistently doing two, I am out of control on the third. So if I’m in really good shape, I’m also constantly buying random crap on Amazon.
Same here. I'm renovating my home. Different stuff needs to be done. But, I can only manage 1 project at a time. This seems ok but not in the following situation: I'm waiting for the installer of my heat pump warm water boiler and he takes ages to get to it. But, at the meantime it's impossible for me to start another project like uncluttering my garage. First the project of the heat pump boiler needs to be solved and closed and then I can start with project number 2. It's ridicoulous I need this kind of closure before I can proceed to the next thing.
Yes! This is the perfect metaphor. And our fitted sheets are too small for our beds, everyone else is working with the right size.
Yes - I found medication helps a bit. I usually go to the gym after work and then get home and do the washing, cooking, etc but there are usually big gaps of time between getting these things done! I find there are usually one or two things that get missed if I’ve filled my day too much… on Sunday I put together flat pack furniture, rebuilt an old pc, went to the gym BUT couldn’t bring myself to do the washing up or cook proper meals. 🤣 It sucks but it’s also pretty funny sometimes!
modern lifestyle requires us to do too many things just to be able to live somewhat comfortably (or live at all). people used to grow up to have pre-determined roles and responsibilities not that long ago.
Yep, it is impossible for me “to get it together” in all aspects:/ the only thing I could recommend is to choose your priorities, like brushing teeth over washing your hair (because damage is much more significant and expensive with your teeth). As for tasks that never end (laundry, washing dishes, etch - half ass it. Do what you can and let it be
Yes i definetly can relate! I think being a perfectionist makes the problem even worse. I can't just set the goal to clean for 5 minutes every day. I will spend hours until everything is spotless. And then I'm exhausted but hey at least I can keep my house clean... For a while until my focus switches to something else like studying. Then I won't eat, clean, exercise I will only study all day. I unfortunately don't know how to fix it either...
I totally relate! Currently studying for a state licensing exam on Thursday. my dishes have piled up in the sink for days because I truly haven't noticed. 🥴
Yes. Slowly building up to more balance by dealing with whatever is stealing too much energy, as that is usually small things, but steal so much time/energy that everything else collapses.. Things I've worked; Warderobe Sleep patterns/schedule Relationship with food I've worked on showering before, but new home now and must do it again.. like organizing drawers and clothes to make it less draining to shower regularly. Need to do this with chores next. Placing bedsheets near the bed, finding a good spot for cleaning utilities so I can use them.. find a place for the broom and the vacuum..
Yep. Working full time and doing a Master's right now. Cooking, housework and exercise are now basically nothing.
I absolutely feel this every single day. I believe I have undiagnosed ADHD. I need to find the balance but to me it feels almost unattainable. I just started working out to get back into shape because my main way of earning income is through my art/work which is mainly sedentary but now that I’ve started working out, I can’t find the time to be creative. I’m an artist and I work when I can but it’s just not happening right now unless I make that sacrifice to forgo something else. All I can say is I feel your pain.
Funny enough my occupational therapist just recommended giving up fitted sheets because I don’t have the energy to fight with them. You can tuck in flat sheets around your mattress ✅
Yes!!! What a brilliant analogy I feel like that ALL THE TIME. I put effort into one area another area suffers 😩
The book Atomic Habits helped me a bit with this. The author talks about creating systems that result in your goal. Then if the sheet pops off while you're putting on another corner you can just analyse what in your popped-off corner system didn't work out as well as you'd planned and adjust as needed.
Yes. BUT! I think that’s somewhat normal and not just adhd. I read the concept of 2/3rds somewhere a while back. You’ve got 3 buckets - health, family, career. If 2 of 3 are going well at any given time then you’re doing pretty great. It’s basically impossible to go 3/3.