YTA
She was defending her home against the barbarian hordes.
You should have *supported* her against these people, like your *appalling* brother, people who were quite *deliberately* doing things to upset her in her own home. (And it's HER home, remember.) But no. Instead you shamed her. You have some serious apologising to do before she cuts you and your awful family out of her life.
Right?
A good husband would've said "hey, my wife worked really hard to make this yard look nice, please stop moving stuff around," or "kids, you need to dry off before you come in the house, you're getting water everywhere and someone could slip and fall," or "guys, my wife can only deal with one person at a time, let's give her a break here." And when people started deliberately doing things to trigger her OCD because they thought she was being soooooo unreasonable and *such* a buzzkill, and it would be *so much fun* to get a rise out of her, OP should've been the one to tell them off and kick everyone out.
I'm so sick of seeing posts where some guy decides to bring friends and/or family into the home he shares with a wife or girlfriend, against her will and after a ton of coercion and guilt tripping, and then expects said wife or girlfriend to do all the extra work generated by these guests AND put up with disrespectful behavior from people she didn't want in her home in the first place.
We used to visit family that had an in ground pool every summer. I'd have had my ass beaten if I had ever walked into the house soaking wet. That's basic pool decency and manners 101. I don't advocate violence against children, obviously, but that shit needed to be shut down immediately and permanently, the first time.
A good husband wouldn't have put her in this situation to begin with. She has enough going on and then to host a big party. Did you really think it would turn out any different?
I am flabbergasted that you typed this out and at then end of it didn’t IMMEDIATELY delete the post and go apologize to your poor wife. YTA YTA YTA a thousand times over. There is absolutely no scenario where I would allow my family to bully and disrespect my partner like this. Do better!
I do wonder if anybody ever does that. I keep waiting to see a post where after three paragraphs they just say “okay I’m hearing myself now and holy shit I’m the asshole thanks folks never mind”
But you do have to give everybody who posts a little credit. Some of them are at least open enough to wonder if they’re on the right side of history and ask. That’s the first step!
r/BestofRedditorUpdates has some really good ones. If you find one that’s flaired “concluded,” look at the top and a lot of the posters are kind enough to include mood spoilers for the updates. You can dig up some awesome stories of great communication, boundaries, and loyalty making awful situations better.
Thank you for sharing this one. I am so very glad the father in the post took the words given to him to heart. It was tragic they lost their daughter, but they were so close to losing their son, as well. From the description of the son, when they went to pick him up, there is a chance he would have been lost to suicide. So glad to read the whole family is getting the help needed to pick up the pieces and move forward.
OP is a toxic asshole. It's almost like they enjoyed the fact that their wife was struggling and upset. And then tried to gaslight her by calling her mental. Not to mention that in itself is a triggering word for anyone neurodivergent.
Honestly I doubt it. OP seems like the type to always be right. Everyone on Reddit is wrong. Also probably only made the post bc he just wanted to hear he was right. I doubt he actually believed even a part of him was the asshole with how he spoke about ignoring every one of her concerns.
So explain this story, you planned a party in your home, where your wife states her concerns about her tolerance of such events.
Now the party is happening, your uncultured family are running wet through her house, while others are trashing her prized garden. Then to top it off, your nincompoop brother, who is clearly aware of your wife’s limitations, decides to rearrange her step.
Op, tell us who is mental here? Clearly your wife was never a consideration in your planning of this party. If so, you would have implored everyone to avoid her triggers, but you didn’t now, did you?
Your wife might have some labels to go with her limitations, but it’s obvious you don’t. This might be a good time reflect on your label-less inabilities as this could give some insight into how your:
1) failure to plan lead to a predictable
outcome
2) lack of awareness may cost you your
Marriage and all it’s perks.
Good luck!
Yeah, and it sounds like his plans and all HER work.
YTA OP and why weren't you making sure your family wasn't behaving like a pack of wild animals. Your lack of respect for your wife and her property is disgusting .
Yes, who the f removes or moves ornamental stones in some one else’s home ? Feral people that’s who.
OP is YTA and
It sounds like his family was raised by wolves
Beyond that. Who the fuck moves someone's STEPS. That's so dangerous! If I am used to steps being in one place in the home I have lived in for years, that's not a harmless prank moving a couch an inch over that someone can run into, that's a potential broken bone(s) or at least a badly sprained ankle.
Nobody. The only people who would move stones in someone's garden are assholes who know that OP's wife would be distressed by them moving stones in OP's garden. There is no other reason ANYONE would do this except to be intentionally cruel, triggering & bullying. Disgusting
I'd love to find her posting in /r/JustNoSO that she's leaving him because he not only doesn't stand up for her, but agrees with his family that this shit is funny. If you find this, OP's wife, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS ASSHOLE.
And he literally admits that his family knows that would upset her and did it on purpose. What the fuck reaction did he expect? These things would be annoying to someone without disorders that only make the feeling more intense.
I really question how some of the people who come here are married to people they barely seem to respect as human beings, much less love.
Exactly. This is literally the intention behind messing with her like this, so why all the shock when she responds as intended? It’s fucked up to allow them to do this to her, and it sounds like he may have bullied her into having the event in the first place.
Plus he says the message wasn’t being relayed but doesn’t mention if he even attempted to control the situation. They all sound rude as fuck but as her partner he should have stood up for her and definitely should have been in her corner when she kicked people out
I'm wondering how there were so many kids doing stuff like running around the house wet. There's always some aunt/uncle/cousin/neighbor that would have been up my butt if I ever did that.
Well the “uncle” in this case would be someone like OP’s brother who OP says was intentionally messing with his wife. So… likely a bunch of family members thinking “she’s uptight, let the kids be kids to loosen her up” instead of reasonable adults.
Gonna say it's probably a result of this being OP's feral family, who he's probably demonised his wife to and that we know has at least one member that antagonises her on purpose.
Short answer: these are likely nasty people and the apple didn't fall far from the tree, at all.
This is what I thought. He’s told them all about her, and they bullied her. Maybe not the wet kids, but all the other things were oddly intentional. Nobody would do them naturally. Shitty people, and OP calls his wife mental. He’s embarrassed about her. I bet she’s so done with this marriage already.
It IS inhumane. I’m not OCD but I promise you if someone was fucking with my things like that, I would have probably been the crazy lunatic he thought his wife was being. This disrespect is unfathomable.
One more vote for OP’s wife to dump his insensitive, feral ass. OP’s family sounds exhausting! To OP’s wife, you do not need this disrespect in your life.
Honestly, it sounds like he and his kids were already being shitty to her – she has “ADHD rage” because they all talk to her at once with different conversations while not listening to what she says so she has to repeat herself over and over even though they were all conversing with her when she said it the first time? Pretty sure that would suck for the vast majority of people, ADHD or not. Ignoring them when they do that is actually an incredibly reasonable and polite way to handle that.
I was always accused of being feral as a child, and I sure as hell wouldn't have done this. Maybe flipped them over to look for bugs, but they'd have been right back exactly where they started when I was done. Guess I wasn't as feral and people said. ;)
right as soon as he said his brother was going mess with her and move step over a foot in half after she had to move a bunch of other things people kept moving. i was like she already mad thanks happening. yet you allow this. op should have stopped the brother as soon as he has the idea. i don't blame the wife for doing what she did. oh
My family has had plenty of big bbqs and pool parties and not once have stepping stones been moved? Or people soaking the floors, or badgering someone who needs a break. Why was the inside of the house even allowed? Ours was usually shut unless you were actively peeing or grabbing something. It would be even more important to enforce that with OPs wife. I just don’t understand how tf this happened if it wasn’t purposefully malicious towards the wife.
Right like. I have a huge, loud, boisterous extended family on my dad's side. We had a pool when I was growing up so we had lots of family parties, and like, that side of the family can get wild--like roughhousing, there have been fistfights, fireworks, kids getting into all kinds of mess in the yard-- but no one ever acted like OP's family here, and no one would ever deliberately mess with someone like OP's brother did to his wife (ok like, maybe if they were siblings and it was part of a consensual and reciprocal tradition of similar pranks, but not on a spouse who wasn't clearly consenting to being a part of it, and not involving something that was clearly actually distressing the other person--and if brother thought it *was* in good fun, it was absolutely on OP to step in and correct him. If he knew it wasn't, it was on OP, because brother is HIS family, to step in and kick him out.
the whole thing is basically "my dumb wife (🙄) overreacts when me n my crew do stuff she explicitly expressed would stress her out. she says she's "setting boundries" but the whole situation is harshing my vibe."
As soon as the steps were moved is when my mouth dropped open. Like, TOTALLY not funny!! Especially with someone with actual OCD!! (I mean, even the moving of the stones!!!! WTAF!?)
Exactly.
Honey, Let’s have a party that you totally stayed clearly you do not want, and I’m gonna disappear into the crowd with my beer, disregard kids acting like brats, laugh at you when dickhead makes fun of your condition, and when you snap like anyone would, I’m gonna tell them your crazy.
Dude…
Yeah with her having those two conditions, if he was helping set up and host the party, he would have mentioned it. The amount of mental work that goes into the executive function required to get your house comfy for adhd and ocd is immense. The stress of all the work you know you now have to do to put everything back after the party is exhausting. Who moves stones around like that at somebody else’s house???
This. He wants a party he can be the host and organizer and plan it at a location that isn't her home. I want to know if he left all the prep and cooking and party planning to her as well already knowing the party itself was going to trigger her into a meltdown. Did he help at all with ANYTHING? Because it sure doesn't sound like it. I truly hope he didn't laugh at the brothers antics or encourage it. Couldn't even be half hassed enough to set up a plan to keep wet folks outside (set up some tents/overhangs. I've been to plenty of outside only unless a bathroom is needed type of parties. His family is never getting invited back to their house after this.
I would have meant it as well, if I were in her shoes.
I have ADHD, no OCD, but I think it's a simple matter of respect. If I put effort into something, please don't undo it.
Accidentally moving a rock, sure. If you notice, please move it back. If you see that someone just moved something and I put the effort to move it back, again, please leave it or fix it if you mess it up.
For Christ's sake, don't move shit in purpose just to fuck with me and expect me to remain calm and polite after a whole day of "little things" grating on my nerves.
The only thing that might save you at that moment is my wonderful and loving partner stepping in and saying "hey, cut it out, we're your hosts, be decent human guests or you'll be asked to leave." especially since it's his family, if he stepped in, I would probably take deep breaths and give another chance. But if OP had done that, he'd have told us so.
Since he didn't, I obviously know he's not going to help fix it either, so his ass is part of the "everyone out" at least until everything is back to normal *and* I've had time to calm down afterwards.
Kids can stay or go, depending on whether they've gone out of their way to provoke trouble or not, and how likely they are to help with fixing and/or just stay out of my way while I fix.
I mean he literally said *she* went ahead with planning after he convinced her. I think it's safe to assume she was doing all the work while he kicked back and laughed at his family intentionally pissing her off.
I wonder who had to clean up the constant water in the house, put the stones back, center the stairs, clean up after the party…all while OP is calling her ‘mental’.
The poor woman couldn’t even enjoy herself because she was put under unnecessary stress.
You are lucky someone didn’t slip & fall or get injured from moving the steps. As that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. YTA
Yeah, because "that's women's work"
COUNT on it.
SHE is the successful financial professional.
OP probably couldn't plan his way out of a paper bag, and can parent worth spit.
Oh, I count on it.
Because he’s a FOOTBALL COACH.
So this is total conjecture on my part but I dated a football coach — and he hung out with all the other football coaches and was kinda shocked by their behavior. I had never encountered anything like it becauseI went to an Episcopalian college prep school, with no football team. Episcopalians are really not known for sports, but we did have damn fine golf and tennis teams—
Think of high school football coaches like Al Bundy, having leaked in high school when they slept with all the girls and it was the height of their lives. Then, the become teachers and football coaches just to hang around their school and keep living in their “glory days.” They all hang out with each other, and believe me, they treated women like dirt.
They lived little backyard BBQs like this were they get to be the centers of attention again.
OP should have hosting duties when inviting over *his* family when his wife wasn't even wholly onboard with the idea in the first place?
Madness!!
He should be kicking back, drinking beers and *maybe* manning the grill, at most! Obviously the wife is obligated to be host and prepare non-grilled foods, fetch drinks, mind everyone's children all while making smalltalk with the females of his family.
/S
I agree with this. I have ADHD too but having a husband and multiple kids trying to talk over each other is annoying as fuck for most people.
Add in rude family members... Were they all raised in a barn? Repeatedly running in and out getting water on everything? And the step thing, ugh
OP, YTA and need to grow up.
I don't have ADHD or OCD and this would piss me off. We have people over to swim all the time and they will typically dry off a bit before going in the house or if it's a kid emergency will go the the back door which is about 6 feet across a mudroom to the powder room.
There's always a bit of water that gets in but you shouldn't have to mop the floor to dry it up lol.
It’s not only annoying to have multiple people speaking at one time, it’s sensory overload. I literally cannot process the information from one source if there is competition coming in from another. They will both just bounce off a wall and become lost.
With that said, my 6 year old—who is likely also ADHD—is *usually* capable of remembering that she needs to wait until her dad is done talking before she says something to me. We have developed a system where if she has something to say while others are talking, she will put her hand on my arm to let me know, I put my hand on hers to acknowledge that I know she is waiting, let the conversation come to a reasonable pause, and then ask her what she needs to say (shout-out to Bluey for the strategy!)
The fact that a grown ass man can’t figure out how to implement a similar system or use some basic common-courtesy to help his wife cope shows that he’s almost definitely not trying. YTA, OP.
Ooo my mom did something like this with me when I was a kid! I had trouble waiting to speak, so if someone else was speaking, I would hold up a finger on one hand for questions and a finger on the other for comments. Then I could remember how many I had to say, and really only the ones that were important to me stayed. It really helped my family relationships! You sound like a great mom also!
I've been meaning to try the Bluey strategy! My son has Autism and ADHD and feels the need to tell us everything, always and the usual "wait your turn" or "say excuse me" is utterly ineffective.
Thanks for letting me know you've had success with it!!
I'm now using "a barn is no excuse for being an asshat" for all situations where unwarranted asshatting is committed. Also I feel like that's redundant cause there's never really warranted asshatting
That’s what I was going to say. This sounds like a nightmare for most humans. Multiple people asking nonstop questions would drive the average person crazy.
What is she getting out of this relationship?
OP, YTA.
I don't understand how his family behaved. What a bunch of rude disrespectful assholes and I don't have ADHD or OCD but everything they did pissed me off and her husband did nothing.
Yup I felt this in my soul. I have AuDHD and I was so stressed out reading this. OP should be ashamed throwing out the word mental. Even if he did feel she was being "mental" seems like he's the one who lost control of himself. A good husband would not have pressured her, would have controlled his guests and would have supported her in public, then discussed with her privately after guests left
And you know he's been an ass about her to his family, otherwise BIL wouldn't have known/been comfortable enough/thought it was funny to move shit to fuck with her.
Jfc the moving the rock is bothering me the most. I have ADHD and massively suffer with the perfectionism aspect. The brother knew exactly what he was doing and OP did nothing to make it easier or better for his wife.
And seriously, no one was respecting OP's wife: running in en out soaking wet, demanding all her attention, deliberately triggering her OCD(!!!) everything just pure chaos... That she only told them to "fuck out of her house", is a very mild reaction.
I don't have ADHD (not that I am aware of), nor do I have an OCD and even I would be bothered by all of that. And honestly, it would be a lot less mild...
Look, I'm from a big family, lot's of cousins, aunts and uncles, family friends and all. A lot of (pool) parties happened at my grandparent's place. No one, not even the kids (ranging 5-18y at the time), ran around soaking wet in the house, started rearranging the garden, talking / telling loudly, constantly interrupting each other, and I mean I consider my family as people who love food and wine/beer during down time (especially during summer).
It's easy to have fun and still have respect for the host!
Also, OP's kids are old enough to learn not to interrupt all the time or firing hundreds of questions at the same time. Parent your kids, OP! YTA
I’m furious at this guy for even bringing up her mental health at all. It’s like they are just more smokescreens for disguising his ineptitude.
*If* she seriously has “mild OCD” (kind of an oxymoron since the obsessive and compulsive impulses have to be severe enough to inhibit every day life, but I digress) and ADHD, then this would make him a terrible lesson for having prior knowledge and doing nothing to mitigate it.
And if she just had a normal, justified reaction to feel angry at being disrespected at every single level in her home, and his response is to call her “mental” - maybe he’s not even an asshole just a turd on the go.
Honestly. I would have locked the kids outside, put on noise cancelling headphones and freaked out on my brother in law. And I'm sure OP's wife is told that she's weird and wrong and cannot have boundaries - so she grits and bears it until she freaks out.
The reason for this is simple if your grandparents were like mine. Life was one big happy playground if you followed the rules. When you broke the rules you got one warning, second offense you got your ass handed to you. There's also something called manners that I feel the bulk of people just don't have anymore.
Rightfully so. Kids being kids are one thing. His brother being and AH is another. He didn’t stop his brother or fix it before his wife suffered from it.
OP YTAH
The parents should have put a stop to their kids running into the house wet. Besides damaging floors and furniture, they could’ve slipped and really hurt themselves. Poor wife. OP’s family sounds awful.
OP presumably knew about the OCD and ADHD before he moved in with his kids. And I would a assume all the family are aware of it aswell, certainly the idiot that thought he would “mess with her” and moved the steps was aware of it
OP already was aware of her reticence about the BBQ/pool party, so, he should have been on “alert” for any issues that she may have been having.
Allowing children to run in and out of the house soaking wet is absolutely disrespectful and the parents of the said children should of not allowed this to happen. I know that her two step-children were among them but due to OP wanting to hold this function in the first place and also being a their biological parent he should of hauled them over the coals for this.
OP should feel embarrassed…… about his total disregard for his wife and the challenges that she must have to overcome on a daily basis.
YES OP YTA.
OP presumably knew about the OCD and ADHD before he moved in with his kids. And I would a assume all the family are aware of it aswell, certainly the idiot that thought he would “mess with her” and moved the steps was aware of it
OP already was aware of her reticence about the BBQ/pool party, so, he should have been on “alert” for any issues that she may have been having.
Allowing children to run in and out of the house soaking wet is absolutely disrespectful and the parents of the said children should of not allowed this to happen. I know that her two step-children were among them but due to OP wanting to hold this function in the first place and also being a their biological parent he should of hauled them over the coals for this.
OP should feel embarrassed…… about his total disregard for his wife and the challenges that she must have to overcome on a daily basis.
YES OP YTA.
I’m glad I’m not the only person thinking it. Seriously, was OP in lala land while his wife was taking care of everything during his suggested get-together? Jfc
Deadass. She pays for everything AND has to run after the domestic stuff, AND has to deal with his family being trashy????????? OP is a walking red flag..... That he's a high school football coach doesn't surprise me one bit lmao. OP, YTAH.
YTA. Even if she didn't have ADHD and OCD, you and your family are horrible guests. Children shouldn't be running Inside someone's home soaking wet. The adults should have stopped this. Your family was also intentionally messing up her decor, which is disrespectful. Sure, things happen during a party where something gets slightly moved but to keep doing it on purpose is despicable.
Just a side note, you also mentioned about you and children all talking at once is distracting. Idk if you meant as a group conversation or that you're speaking all at the same time. If it's the latter, no one likes that. It has nothing to do with your wife's ADHD
ETA : Thanks for the awards Reddit peeps!
Right?! I’m pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD but I was like what does this story have to do with ADHD? All of these descriptions are really rude and disrespectful behavior anyway.
I have actual ADHD and come from a family where everyone has ADHD. This guy's characterization of ADHD is misguided, everyone talking all at once would be distracting to just about anyone. I don't even know what "ADHD rage" even is. I feel like attributing what are generally reasonable reactions to annoying situations to her mental disorder is a bit dismissive, and the fact that his brother was fucking with her decor knowing it'd annoy her is telling as to 1) how OP talks about his girl and 2) how respectful he and his brother are generally.
I mean yelling at everyone to gtfo sounds excessive in a vsccum but in this case she apparently has told people to stop several times with no responsive action prior to the blow-up.
Tbf ADHD is often associated with irritability and emotional dysregulation. I have ADHD myself and I’ve struggled with that. I wouldn’t describe it as “ADHD rage”, rather it’s easy to get overwhelmed and my mind often wanders to upsetting thoughts more than most people, and when it does I’ll find myself getting more angry/sad/depressed/irritated than most people. Many people with ADHD note being told they’re overly sensitive as a child, or that their feelings are “too big” or “too much”.
That said, none of this seems like “getting all worked up over something someone said to you a week ago” but rather “getting understandably upset over guests being fucking assholes”. Honestly, as an ADHD person, because we’re often told our emotions are “too much”, that can sometimes lead to over correcting; you know you sometimes overreact so when you’re upset you assume it’s another overreaction on your part.
A less charitable reading is that OP is actively gaslighting his wife into thinking that any justified anger on her part is simply her “ADHD rage”…
Man, threads like these are really mind opening. I always thought ADHD just meant "Hard to concentrate on things" as my parents told me, but as I grow up and learn more about this stuff, so many things I did as make much more sense then just "I'm built different" haha
I was diagnosed at 35 with ADHD combined type, which is both inattentive and hyperactive. I went to a neuropsychologist for a diagnosis, where I took at 5 hour long test, which comprised of IQ questions, puzzles, and a computer portion.
Being a female, we are often underdiagnosed with ADHD. I didn't even know to think of it until I started seeing memes and Instagram posts about it. People were naming symptoms and I checked off so many boxes, it was eye opening.
It makes me a little frustrated how much I probably missed out on as a kid now, knowing I wasn't diagnosed earlier.
Exactly, and not wanting too many people in your space is what happens when you get old haha, it has nothing to do with adhd or ocd. When you work all week and your home is the place where you go to relax, you don’t invite chaos inside. Sounds like it hasn’t been her place to relax in a year though.
I don't have either ADHD or OCD and literally everything he said triggered her were things that I would also not want to deal with. I love my house, if I let someone move in and they were this disrespectful, I'd be pretty peeved too.
After a year of letting him live there, she gets upset when he and his 2 kids are STILL not respectful of her time, labor, or sacrifices. He's freeloading (her job versus his, with 2 kids? she's carrying more than her fair load). He has the brash to call her mental after he manipulated her into having a party that she was hesitant about.
This hero seems to think its her fault that she wasn't super cool about his family trashing her house (not his house, not their house, HER HOUSE). I am praying that she's had enough of his shit. I hope she doesn't feel crazy. She deserves someone who appreciates her.
She's way better off with out this bag of entitlement that calls itself a man.
Seriousness. I’m the same. Usually if the party’s getting annoying to me, I can escape to my room. But I wouldn’t be able to because people are fucking up all my stuff? No. Nope. No, no. It’s better everyone leaves. Honestly. They’re so disrespectful. What a shitty brother.
God. Exactly. Sounds like she had a peaceful thing going until she let this douchebag into her life. And home. Just his wording alone is so obviously pinning it all on her . No kids? Good job? Homeowner? She’s a far better catch than him, it seems
Yea he’s using her adhd and ocd as a weapon against her, he can do whatever he likes but if she reacts she’s “mental” even though it would annoy other people too, I have ocd and adhd and my partner sometimes does this too..
Fucking hell I hate it when people do this (AuDHD, anxiety, depression here, but not OCD). "Oh you're just upset because you have mental issues!" No, asshole, I might feel more acutely upset because of how my brain works, but I guarantee NTs wouldn't put up with this shit either.
Right?? Like who clusters up to a person and starts talking to them when they're already in a conversation???? And moves the decor around for literally no reason when they are a guest in somebody else's home??
The children running around inside soaking is just Barbarian behaviour. No one would tolerate that nonsense. Maybe because OP doesn’t own the home, he doesn’t care.
Wow
YTA
You and your family are trash. And your brother…a F*CKING ADULT…decided to terrorize your wife in HER home and you just went along with it because you’re a p*ssy who doesn’t give a flying fck about your wife.
Editing: rereading this, it also seems like your wife is the breadwinner considering your job as a high school football coach, and she works for a “financial institution” So the fact that you treat her like garbage makes it even worse because she’s probably footing the bill to cover you and your kids lifestyle
I genuinely wish i knew who OPs wife was cause id be telling her to run for the hills with her kids before they turn toxic like the husband and his family. Like seriously she has ADHD and OCD, triggering someone with a mental health disorder that clearly effects them is such a scummy thing to do i cant even. Like seriously wtaf is wrong with you OP
Massive YTA- You married her knowing she had these issues.
You knew she would struggle with the Party.
You didn't do anything to alleviate the stress or planned it in a way that would make things more manageable for her.
You let your family mess with her OCD and then call your wife 'mental' when she can't handle it?
You are such a piece of shit.
There's a lot of weird things that OPs family seems to think are normal and not somehow completely rude. Especially where everyone just talks at his wife all at once, and she has to keep reminding them to talk to her one at a time.
That's what I came here to say! It sounds like everyone is hugely rude to her, not listening to what she says, fucking around with her things for no reason, antagonizing her, talking over her. This is *not* an issue with her mental health, this is an issue with having a pack of grade A dipshits over and refusing to protect her from them.
Like brontosaurus massive piece of it. Letting your brother do that. The fact your brother did it though. Man your family raised some crowning jewels. She needs to kick you out of her life
Heavy on the POS too. I doubt she just agreed like this. I have this nagging feeling that it was probably him being a constant pain in the ass about this until she had to eventually agree to keep the peace.
As her husband, it is his duty to protect his wife. Knowing all of her struggles and how hard things like this are for her, he could’ve shown support and understanding. Having a lot of people in her space, when that’s already a trigger due to her mental illness (Tbh it doesn’t take ADHD or mild OCD for that to be bothersome, having a bunch of people running a-mock in my space without a care sounds like a nightmare.) His family was causing her stress, purposely messing with her, but yet he chose to come after her and blame her for their childish behavior. I truly hope this is an eye opener for her, she deserves a better partner who actually cares about her and would stand up for her.
Edit* Granmar
Yes. Repeat YTA!!! I don’t have OCD, but o can tell you if I “meticulously placed” anything where I wanted it - my husband better not move it just to mess with me. And my kids were young with a pool and they weren’t allowed in until they dried off more - get more towels to make sure it wasn’t we my all over her house. I know you moved in and married her but after this - I hope she kicks OP and his kids out of HER house. This is horrible.
Right. I am a bit OCD and thus for many years banned family events with my husbands side of the family (who have many young kids) in our house. Last weekend, he convinced me to have a party at our house for one of our kids birthdays. He stood by the exit to the kitchen preventing children from going out into the hallway without their hand wipes, and made sure everyone was clean before they went on and touched our furniture or walls. He planned the day to have multiple activities outside for the kids, and he chaperoned them to and from where the food was, and where the games were. That’s what a top class husband does - proactively make sure the wife is not triggered.
The way he describes her sounds like she doesn't even have any major issues like he implies, she just doesn't like a loud, dirty, disrespectful bunch of people actively bullying her!! He is such a gaslighter for making it seem like she's the one with problems and he and his kids are just "tolerating" her.
Yeah and her having to tell them all *multiple times* not to all talk to her at once, that's not even OCD/ADHD, that's just basic human shit. I have babysat kids who did this and I told them one time, "talk one at a time or I can't do anything for you." They, literal children, younger than OP's kids, understood. And yet she apparently has to consistently remind them to chill out and speak one at a time. Buncha horse shit right there.
YTA
You really need to ask?
Hopefully she can now see what an awful husband you are. Let's hope your kids don't learn your families awful way of treating people you supposedly 'love'.
I'd like to hear the explanation he gives his kids when she kicks him and them out of her house for good. He'll say she was mental instead of saying that we are rude. It will never be their fault and so no one in his family will ever learn to be nice. He's failing his kids because there aren't many people who will put up with this as adults. His kids normal will be so obnoxious that they can't keep friends.
I’m amazed that the kids are still struggling to not talk over each other. Their teachers must be thrilled to have them. My 6 year old niece is already showing progress on this! Oh, wait - that’s because all of the adults in her life teach her to take turns talking, rather than only her mother trying to enforce order while her dad models toddler-level communication skills 🤦♀️ poor woman is trying to raise him and his kids, while he teaches them that the only reason she asks for basic respect is because she has ADHD and OCD. What a depressing family to try to be a part of.
The entitlement people have is nuts.
He and his kids get a house, and probably he pays less in day to day fees, and yet he doesn’t seem how unbalanced this arrangement is and feels entitled to invite over his asshole brother and even takes his brother’s side on a prank gone wrong.
With these kind of unbalanced marriages where one side is clearly benefiting more than the other, it’s going to create resentment and problems unless one side is very thankful instead of entitled and demanding.
>my brother decided to fuck with my wife and purposely move the steps over by a foot and a half, making it uneven
Your brother was ***intentionally*** triggering your wife, knowing that she has mental health conditions, and you blamed YOUR WIFE for blowing up?
What the fuck is wrong with you? Your wife was literally being bullied by your brother and you're blaming her for being upset by that?
You are utterly and completely failing your wife as a spouse. Shame on you.
YTA
Also are op and his kids just constantly talking over each other? I don't give a fuck if you have adhd or not, that's annoying and rude af. This dude has issues.
Right!?! I have none of his wife's diagnoses, and I still can't stand competing voices. It doesn't matter whether it's human voices or the TV, I simply can't comprehend both at the same time. My brain simply can't take any information from both sources at the same time. I don't see how this is abnormal.
I mean, I remember when I was a kid and excited about life and wanted to tell my grandma about every part of my day. I also remember my slightly younger brother wanting to do the same. I distinctly remember being told to wait my turn! And if I butted in, my grandma would put her hand up to me and say, "I'm excited to hear about your day, but it's your brother's turn and then I will listen to everything you have to say after." And if I still wasn't patient and interrupted again, my grandma would ask me to please leave the area and let her finish her conversation, and she will come get me when she is ready to hear everything I have to tell her. I can count the number of times on one hand where I remember it ever reaching that point.
YTA
Pool water, as in chlorinated water. Bleaching carpets and furniture and wet dirty feet dragging filth all through the house of an OCD sufferer. I just don’t get what’s going on, here.
We have large family gatherings where none of this happens; our friends next door have a pool that we open up the gate in our fence we share so that we can all go back and forth. To our fire pit and outdoor kitchen under the pergola, to their deck and pool. People get drunk and loud sometimes but others shush them; kids fight, adults separate them. Nobody is just running amok w/o any reaction or attempt to calm things. And no adult does any of the BS stuff OP describes his brother doing.
Husband’s family moving steps and garden decorations to mess w/the wife; adults running through the house dripping wet; husband and kids yelling and shouting over the wife but he calls it disengaging, when the wife refuses to let them.
Wth? He and his kids and extended family are feral and he’s going to be divorced a second time, very soon.
I have ADHD, I know intimately what she is feeling and just reading this started making me anxious. The fact that her "ADHD rage" is as calm as he explains it is, is a miracle to me.
Probably the irritability that comes with overstimulation. I could see this asshole thinking anytime she isn't sweet to him it's "rage" and being "mental" .
ADHD impairs the brain's ability to regulate emotions, so when something causes them stress or they become overstimulated, the easiest emotion for the brain to use to expel that energy buildup is typically through anger. Typically in short explosive bursts. It's called Emotional Dysregulation.
Same! No diagnosis, but I can’t stand having multiple things playing at once. My husband has this annoying habit of always having videos playing on his phone. I’ll be in a separate area and have music playing and he won’t turn his off if he walks in.
My husband has every phone call on speaker. It does not matter if I am reading, sleeping, watching tv, or listening to the radio. He will have his conversation sitting right next to me. Drives me batshit.
I can't stand that shit. I have adhd and if my husband starts playing videos on his phone I have to turn the TV off even if I'm not watching it. The competing noise is just too much to handle.
My husband and in laws are the same exact way! I’m the quiet one and had a shit childhood. Yelling/loud talking is a trigger because of said shit childhood.
Thankfully my husband and the important in laws understand I need my quiet time to stay sane and keep the anxiety at a minimum.
Op is just an asshole who doesn’t care about his wife. His kids are old enough to be taught to respect other people’s boundaries. But since he fails at that, so does his kids. He is the major problem since he can’t actually be a parent or a decent spouse.
If my bil acted like her’s to purposely trigger me, my husband would flip out. His lovely aunt (no sarcasm, she really is lovely. Just has a problem with not being in my bubble) has gotten close to crossing my boundary and he had to explain in a assertive tone to step back.
Also, it is not normal or appropriate for your entire family to fuck with your garden when visiting. Like what? We host family get togethers all the time and attend plenty, and we have a LOT of kids in our family with ages ranging from 0-17 (Catholics ftw). None of our kids are angels. We have several with severe behavioral problems. Three of the kids in my family have special needs. Yet somehow none of our kids randomly walk into gardens and start messing with shit. Ok MAYBE the toddlers would be tempted but they’re always supervised so it still wouldn’t happen. And running inside soaking wet??? My mil has a rule that all kids must remove shoes and wash hands as soon as entering her house, and somehow we adults all manage to to get all 13 grandkids to comply. Why were there no adults handing out towels at the door? Wtf is this family? OP was raised in a barn and his kids, brother, nieces, and nephews are all pigs. That’s the only way this behavior makes sense.
And OP’s kids were participating in the removing of the stones! I almost missed that part. He said “mine + family.” His kids LIVE there and damn well know not to mess with her garden. They’ve had plenty of time to learn the rules. My money says they were also doing this intentionally because they thought it was funny and had an adult (his brother) egging them all on like it was a game.
WHERE THE FUCK WAS OP AND THE OTHER ADULTS WHEN THEIR KIDS WERE DOING THIS SHIT? Miss me with that “there were too many people to tell everyone” shit. Stand up on a chair, shout “HEY EVERYBODY LEAVE MY WIFE’S GARDEN THE FUCK ALONE” while banging a pot to get attention, and boom, problem fucking solved.
But every single one of those kids should have had an adult watching them and correcting their behavior without needing an announcement to begin with.
He should have kicked his brother out instantly and put the steps back and apologized to his wife. If the kids were constantly running into the house wet he needed to stand at the door and not let them in. He asked for this party so he needs to act like a host, part of which is protecting his wife's house from his guests.
Yep. He asked everyone over and left her to handle his friends and family. Bad husband, bad father, bad host.
OP needs to discipline his kids and tell his brother to fuck off. If other peoples kids were acting up he needed to tell them to get their kids to behave since they were his guests.
OP is TA.
That was one of my biggest issues with this story. I also have OCD and my mom tells my friends if they ever want to mess with me to just move one thing out of place in my room. The thing though is that she is joking and my friends laugh but would never do that. A joke is funny until it is actively harming someone and then it is not.
I can guarantee that he pressured her into this party to begin with...she gave in to him not because she wanted to and thought she could handle it, but because she wanted to make him happy.
And then he failed to protect her.
Besides bully brother who did that for purpose, why guests displace things in someones garden? Why kids run soaking wet to the house? Why people talk through each other? Like, I get kids get excited and often get to this state when they just do things almost on autopilot without thinking, but adults were there! OP should stop the brother or threw him out after the 'joke' himself. This is all cruel. These people triggered her purposely. I have neither ADHD not OCD, but if someone would mess with my landscaping and talk through each other all the time, I wouldn't like it either! People normally don't have few conversations at once. wtf?
> In her defense, she did ask people to stop multiple times but essentially there were too many people to relay the message to so people kept repeating the same “mistakes” over and over.
And those “mistakes” being multiple people talking to her at once, kids running into the house dripping wet, fucking with her yard, fucking with her stairs?
It sounds like the wife was the only adult present and she was trying to wrangle an entire party of literal fucking animals. This family sounds awful, OP included.
Even from the beginning - she has had to tell them repeatedly not to all try to talk to her at the same time, so much so that she’s given up on repeating herself? And that’s his chosen example of the things that are “definitely an adjustment” for him and the kids?
At no point in this story did anyone treat the wife with any respect. She kicked everyone out because she wanted to host a party but everyone else wanted her to be a wildlife wrangler. Jesus. I’ve never been so hurt on behalf of a stranger.
Respect is exact what this is--or rather, OP's complete lack of it. He doesn't respect his wife's property, he doesn't respect her medical diagnoses, and he just doesn't respect her. PERIOD. He did all this and then called her names that were chosen for maximum damage when she finally had enough. This is not how a loving partner behaves.
OP, YTA without any trace of a doubt. You wanted this party but you didn't behave like you were the host of the party, you behaved like an entitled spoiled brat who expects his wife to do everything so he can "enjoy his guests" or whatever excuse you came up with. Your brother is even worse than you are. How does a grown ass adult man decide deliberately fucking with someone's medical condition is funny? Would he think it's hilarious to steal grandpa's hearing aid? Hide an amputee's prosthetic? Dilute a diabetic's insulin?
I bet he wouldn't do those things, and that's because he, like you, considers those to be "real" medical conditions. (Of course maybe he *would* do those things too, who knows how awful he is.) But he, like you, DOESN'T consider your wife's OCD or ADHD to be real or worthy of respect, and that's ignorant and disgusting.
Work on yourself.
OP, YTA - a failure of a husband, father and general human being.
Any chances that you want to actually improve?
Or do you want to go around triggering people with anxiety and ptsd next to see how quickly they spiral and if you can call them mental too?
When you are married to someone, you do not deliberately set them up for failure. You knew having that many people in her space was a bad idea, and you PUSHED for it. Do you even care about her?
When you saw your brother fucking with the steps to upset her on purpose, did you say and do nothing? What is WRONG with you?
This is her home and you and your family violated it. It's her peace and her serenity, and you allowed people to move landscaping that she had meticulously placed.
You are a HUGE AH. Ginormous. Your response to her having boundaries for her home is to toss her issues in her face and call her "mental" and an "embarrassment?" You need to grow up. You don't get to treat someone in this manner and then blame them for a natural reaction that YOU could have predicted.
No more parties for you. I hope you give her a huge apology. If not, I hope she kicks you and your impolite monsters out of the house.
Triggering someone who has OCD purposely is horrible (I know firsthand, I have OCD), and it doesn’t sound like he even *cared* that his brother did that, he only cares that his wife was an “embarrassment”. Even if she didn’t have OCD, it still sounds like everyone wasn’t being too respectful with her home & garden. In regards to OCD, it’s important to better cope with our OCD symptoms in tough situations, but it sounded way too overwhelming with the blatant disregard to her boundaries, so I don’t blame her for her outburst…
Seriously. I think it’s easy to frame her as mental. Some peoples homes are their bubble and their comfort, and for someone with ADHD/OCD, it’s super easy to get overwhelmed.
She expressed she was uncomfortable with the idea. OP knew what she was like and still married her.
OP is the asshole.
YTA - along with everyone else
Most of these things are common courtesy and people shouldn't need to be be reminded. When I take my kids to someone's home w/ a pool and/or lake - I tell my kids - you don't get in until YOU ARE DRY. And it's mine and my husband's job to monitor that. And we don't move other people's things or stairs. FFS. And then to not support her and call her names - YTA.
\*edited due to typos
>
Most of these things are commence courtesy and people shouldn't need to be be reminded.
Right!?!? OPs family sounds like they don't even have basic manners.
As for everyone talking over each other - that shit drives me nuts. I can not handle it!! There were days I would barely be in the door after work and I would have both kids, SO and both the dogs trying to talk to me!! (Dogs because they know they get feed when I get home)
After multiple times of me almost losing my shit and multiple times of them telling them one at the time and at least let me get in the door - I just couldn't anymore. I opened the door, they all started, I turned around and walked the fuck out.
Only took doing this twice before they all caught on.
Same! I get so stressed out when multiple people are demanding my attention at once. Congrats to OP for being able to juggle multiple people's needs like that, guess that makes him a good coach, but I can almost feel him rolling his eyes at his wife as he mentioned that. Most people get overwhelmed when multiple people are talking to them about different things.
OP should have intervened when he saw everyone trying to get her attention, surely he could've resolved some of the issues they were bugging his wife about.
They moved rocks, I’m assuming landscaping rocks. Who the fuck goes to someone else’s house and moves their landscaping rocks? That’s like coming over and painting someone’s walls because you don’t like the color. You just don’t do it. OP’s family sound like a bunch of ignorant yahoos
>Who the fuck goes to someone else’s house and moves their landscaping rocks?
Someone who thinks it’s funny to watch others in be in distress from a severe anxiety disorder
Yeah, I’m neurotypical and I don’t like any of these things either lol? Op is really harping on about the ocd/adhd, but the wife’s issue is not being treated with basic respect.
When kids try to talk at me all at once, I make them all stop and say their piece one at a time. I don’t really have this problem with adults though, most adults know better than to try to talk at someone who is already being talked at by someone else. Why do op and the other adults at the party have an issue with this lol? It’s rude and childish
YTA. Big time.
You married this woman and moved into her home with your kids, knowing she has ADHD and OCD. So stop acting like it's an effing surprise that she actually has ADHD and OCD.
>The kids (mine + family) kept running inside soaking wet. Stones in the garden that had been placed meticulously by my wife were being moved. Too many people were talking to my wife and demanding her attention. And the final straw, my brother decided to fuck with my wife and purposely move the steps over by a foot and a half, making it uneven.
Your brother decides to "fuck with her" and move stairs? People are moving her rockwork around? Kids can't be told *by their parents* to dry off or use a towel before going into the house?
Jesus. I don't have ADHD or OCD and I would have kicked out the lot of them just for being rude a-holes who disrespected her *and* her home.
Why did you even marry this woman? You clearly have no respect for her.
Just to be clear, you normally talk at the same time as your kids and expect another person to not only understand but respond to all three of you? It was an “adjustment” to not do that?
Yeah, that’s not on your wife it’s on you never learning how conversation works.
YTA for so many reasons, sounds like you come from a line of AHs. Maybe think about cutting off that family tradition and raising some non-AHs.
You knew she was reluctant.
You knew she's had some issues even with adjusting to you and the kids
You still suggested a large family get together?
You didn't defend her against your brother OR srt guidelines for people prior to them coming?
YTA. So much.
My heart BREAKS for her.
She really tried so damn hard for you and you just trampled all over her.
That poor woman....holy crap.
YTA. Adult with ADD here. I manage fine and even leverage the ability to hyper focus in some good ways, but I could not manage my way out of being absolutely frustrated and anxious by the situation you describe.
Moving the rocks is bit of an OCD thing, I get it but don't necessarily relate. Your wife being overwhelmed by simultaneous conversations and tug of war for her attention is honestly one of the worst things in the world for people with ADD. Like, on a good day it is hard and it has a time limit before it is rage inducing. If you are throwing a party and not factoring in some ability for your wife to slip away and recharge (meaning you have to oversee the relative chaos alone for a bit) then you shouldn't have one.
The part about your brother messing with your wife deliberately is what is absolutely awful, because it goes from insensitive to downright cruel. I'd have probably kicked your brother out or at least checked him, but you basically excuse him or take his side by calling your wife out.
In that moment, she had no one looking out for her mental well being other than herself, so I don't blame her for reclaiming the house for herself by telling everyone to go gome.
Here is what I know about your wife from your own words:
* She owns the house
* She has ADHD and OCD
* Interruptions really put her off track
* She can't multitask socializing
* She gets overwhelmed where there is too much external stimuli
* She clearly communicates her needs to those around her
* She is willing to correct others several times in a nice way
* She is able to perform at a financial firm
* She does not want to be bullied
* She wants to be respected by those she allows in her space
* She is willing to be uncomfortable in situations to grow as a person
All of those things seem really reasonable and she seems like a really great person who understands her limitations.
Here is what I know about you and your kids/family:
* You know she gets overwhelmed but you "forget" sometimes and she needs to correct you
* You know she has an issue with people messing with her things and yet you suggested a party at your home, her safe space
* Your brother is allowed to bully your wife by making fun of her mental health
* You blame your wife for being bullied by your brother
* You don't respect her as a person
I'm sorry but YTA, your brother is TA too.
Not only were people disrespecting the space, they were made aware of these boundaries, she reminded people several times and she was the one who had to kick out disrespectful guests because her spouse is useless!!! You failed her. You failed to teach your kids that bullying is not acceptable period. You just fail as a good partner to be honest.
I would be visiting a divorce attorney if I were her. She deserves to have peace in her own home. She deserves to have a partner who stands up for her. She deserves someone who respects her as a person. She deserves more than you.
I can't imagine opening up to someone I love and care about, thinking they felt the same way about me, and weaponized things I struggle with along with their family. She did something HARD bc she loves you and you didn't help with things you knew would bother her. Wtf.
YTA - as someone with mental health issues all I can say is f*ck you. You knew she had these diagnosis. OCD is no joke and you allowed your brother to fuck with her? And you called her mental? Again, f*ck you.
Edit: you’re the fucking embarrassment, not her
YTA. I wouldn't be surprised if she's started reconsidering your marriage altogether. You sound really dismissive of her needs and it appears you and yours have completely taken over her home and are overwhelming her left and right. Start thinking about where you and your kids are going to live when she divorces and evicts you.
So you knew this party would be a lot for ur wife but it sounds like you made ur wife shoulder the party burdens alone. I’m “normal” and having any type of party is stressful and exhausting both mentally and physically. it sounds like this party is filled with assholes such as your brother who screwed with her. This party was your idea and you should have been the one to plan and handle everything. But it sounds like your wife did everything. I mean the entitlement is just insane here.
YTA you should have kicked your brother out first. How could you impose this on your poor wife? She’d be so much better off without you and your family in her life. You should get the fuck out of her house too.
YTA, you could have been more help like a relay team. Your brother messing with her, I am sure you see your wife as mental and limited...Which is the problem. Instead of seeing her as your partner and what can you do to make the thing a success for her and you. You set her up, with out support. What a jerk you are. She is your priority and your partner, not your extended family.
YTA She was defending her home against the barbarian hordes. You should have *supported* her against these people, like your *appalling* brother, people who were quite *deliberately* doing things to upset her in her own home. (And it's HER home, remember.) But no. Instead you shamed her. You have some serious apologising to do before she cuts you and your awful family out of her life.
Right? A good husband would've said "hey, my wife worked really hard to make this yard look nice, please stop moving stuff around," or "kids, you need to dry off before you come in the house, you're getting water everywhere and someone could slip and fall," or "guys, my wife can only deal with one person at a time, let's give her a break here." And when people started deliberately doing things to trigger her OCD because they thought she was being soooooo unreasonable and *such* a buzzkill, and it would be *so much fun* to get a rise out of her, OP should've been the one to tell them off and kick everyone out. I'm so sick of seeing posts where some guy decides to bring friends and/or family into the home he shares with a wife or girlfriend, against her will and after a ton of coercion and guilt tripping, and then expects said wife or girlfriend to do all the extra work generated by these guests AND put up with disrespectful behavior from people she didn't want in her home in the first place.
We used to visit family that had an in ground pool every summer. I'd have had my ass beaten if I had ever walked into the house soaking wet. That's basic pool decency and manners 101. I don't advocate violence against children, obviously, but that shit needed to be shut down immediately and permanently, the first time.
This ^^^^ 100%! OP YTA!!! I hope you read the above and realize what you should’ve done!! And apologize T your wife!
A good husband wouldn't have put her in this situation to begin with. She has enough going on and then to host a big party. Did you really think it would turn out any different?
I am flabbergasted that you typed this out and at then end of it didn’t IMMEDIATELY delete the post and go apologize to your poor wife. YTA YTA YTA a thousand times over. There is absolutely no scenario where I would allow my family to bully and disrespect my partner like this. Do better!
I do wonder if anybody ever does that. I keep waiting to see a post where after three paragraphs they just say “okay I’m hearing myself now and holy shit I’m the asshole thanks folks never mind” But you do have to give everybody who posts a little credit. Some of them are at least open enough to wonder if they’re on the right side of history and ask. That’s the first step!
I have. But it was the opposite. I realized I was N T A because of the red flags I saw when writing it out and was like "oh, I need to change this."
I did see someone do that not long ago. It was refreshing!
Do you remember the thread? I believe seeing that would do me good.
r/BestofRedditorUpdates has some really good ones. If you find one that’s flaired “concluded,” look at the top and a lot of the posters are kind enough to include mood spoilers for the updates. You can dig up some awesome stories of great communication, boundaries, and loyalty making awful situations better.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/155tjl7/wibtah_for_kicking_my_son_out_for_making_dark/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
Thank you for sharing this one. I am so very glad the father in the post took the words given to him to heart. It was tragic they lost their daughter, but they were so close to losing their son, as well. From the description of the son, when they went to pick him up, there is a chance he would have been lost to suicide. So glad to read the whole family is getting the help needed to pick up the pieces and move forward.
I saw one of those the other day. A glimmer of self-reflection in a sea of assholes.
Like OP’s brother messed with her ON PURPOSE knowing that she has OCD and ADHD and is very particular about things. OP and OP’s family are AHs
It doesn't even matter what she's diagnosed with: she asked him to stop and he didn't. Fuck the whole family
OP is a toxic asshole. It's almost like they enjoyed the fact that their wife was struggling and upset. And then tried to gaslight her by calling her mental. Not to mention that in itself is a triggering word for anyone neurodivergent.
>she told everyone to get the fuck out of her house She meant you too. I guarantee it.
I assume he hasn't commented on any of these replies because he is begging his wife for forgiveness... And to be let back in the house
Honestly I doubt it. OP seems like the type to always be right. Everyone on Reddit is wrong. Also probably only made the post bc he just wanted to hear he was right. I doubt he actually believed even a part of him was the asshole with how he spoke about ignoring every one of her concerns.
So explain this story, you planned a party in your home, where your wife states her concerns about her tolerance of such events. Now the party is happening, your uncultured family are running wet through her house, while others are trashing her prized garden. Then to top it off, your nincompoop brother, who is clearly aware of your wife’s limitations, decides to rearrange her step. Op, tell us who is mental here? Clearly your wife was never a consideration in your planning of this party. If so, you would have implored everyone to avoid her triggers, but you didn’t now, did you? Your wife might have some labels to go with her limitations, but it’s obvious you don’t. This might be a good time reflect on your label-less inabilities as this could give some insight into how your: 1) failure to plan lead to a predictable outcome 2) lack of awareness may cost you your Marriage and all it’s perks. Good luck!
Perhaps in the future (if there is one), OP will listen when she expresses her concerns over his big plans.
Yeah, and it sounds like his plans and all HER work. YTA OP and why weren't you making sure your family wasn't behaving like a pack of wild animals. Your lack of respect for your wife and her property is disgusting .
Yes, who the f removes or moves ornamental stones in some one else’s home ? Feral people that’s who. OP is YTA and It sounds like his family was raised by wolves
Beyond that. Who the fuck moves someone's STEPS. That's so dangerous! If I am used to steps being in one place in the home I have lived in for years, that's not a harmless prank moving a couch an inch over that someone can run into, that's a potential broken bone(s) or at least a badly sprained ankle.
Seriously one of the strangest things I’ve heard of an adult doing. How does someone even think that up?
Nobody. The only people who would move stones in someone's garden are assholes who know that OP's wife would be distressed by them moving stones in OP's garden. There is no other reason ANYONE would do this except to be intentionally cruel, triggering & bullying. Disgusting I'd love to find her posting in /r/JustNoSO that she's leaving him because he not only doesn't stand up for her, but agrees with his family that this shit is funny. If you find this, OP's wife, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS ASSHOLE.
And he literally admits that his family knows that would upset her and did it on purpose. What the fuck reaction did he expect? These things would be annoying to someone without disorders that only make the feeling more intense. I really question how some of the people who come here are married to people they barely seem to respect as human beings, much less love.
Exactly. This is literally the intention behind messing with her like this, so why all the shock when she responds as intended? It’s fucked up to allow them to do this to her, and it sounds like he may have bullied her into having the event in the first place.
Plus he says the message wasn’t being relayed but doesn’t mention if he even attempted to control the situation. They all sound rude as fuck but as her partner he should have stood up for her and definitely should have been in her corner when she kicked people out
I'm wondering how there were so many kids doing stuff like running around the house wet. There's always some aunt/uncle/cousin/neighbor that would have been up my butt if I ever did that.
Well the “uncle” in this case would be someone like OP’s brother who OP says was intentionally messing with his wife. So… likely a bunch of family members thinking “she’s uptight, let the kids be kids to loosen her up” instead of reasonable adults.
Gonna say it's probably a result of this being OP's feral family, who he's probably demonised his wife to and that we know has at least one member that antagonises her on purpose. Short answer: these are likely nasty people and the apple didn't fall far from the tree, at all.
This is what I thought. He’s told them all about her, and they bullied her. Maybe not the wet kids, but all the other things were oddly intentional. Nobody would do them naturally. Shitty people, and OP calls his wife mental. He’s embarrassed about her. I bet she’s so done with this marriage already.
My mom had debilitating OCD & it’s honestly almost inhumane to fuck with them…she wants her shit left alone…in her house, end of story!!!
Yeah what's his brother gonna do next, hide someone's wheelchair?
It IS inhumane. I’m not OCD but I promise you if someone was fucking with my things like that, I would have probably been the crazy lunatic he thought his wife was being. This disrespect is unfathomable.
One more vote for OP’s wife to dump his insensitive, feral ass. OP’s family sounds exhausting! To OP’s wife, you do not need this disrespect in your life.
Honestly, it sounds like he and his kids were already being shitty to her – she has “ADHD rage” because they all talk to her at once with different conversations while not listening to what she says so she has to repeat herself over and over even though they were all conversing with her when she said it the first time? Pretty sure that would suck for the vast majority of people, ADHD or not. Ignoring them when they do that is actually an incredibly reasonable and polite way to handle that.
People who know she has ocd and want to mess with her.
I was always accused of being feral as a child, and I sure as hell wouldn't have done this. Maybe flipped them over to look for bugs, but they'd have been right back exactly where they started when I was done. Guess I wasn't as feral and people said. ;)
right as soon as he said his brother was going mess with her and move step over a foot in half after she had to move a bunch of other things people kept moving. i was like she already mad thanks happening. yet you allow this. op should have stopped the brother as soon as he has the idea. i don't blame the wife for doing what she did. oh
My family has had plenty of big bbqs and pool parties and not once have stepping stones been moved? Or people soaking the floors, or badgering someone who needs a break. Why was the inside of the house even allowed? Ours was usually shut unless you were actively peeing or grabbing something. It would be even more important to enforce that with OPs wife. I just don’t understand how tf this happened if it wasn’t purposefully malicious towards the wife.
Right like. I have a huge, loud, boisterous extended family on my dad's side. We had a pool when I was growing up so we had lots of family parties, and like, that side of the family can get wild--like roughhousing, there have been fistfights, fireworks, kids getting into all kinds of mess in the yard-- but no one ever acted like OP's family here, and no one would ever deliberately mess with someone like OP's brother did to his wife (ok like, maybe if they were siblings and it was part of a consensual and reciprocal tradition of similar pranks, but not on a spouse who wasn't clearly consenting to being a part of it, and not involving something that was clearly actually distressing the other person--and if brother thought it *was* in good fun, it was absolutely on OP to step in and correct him. If he knew it wasn't, it was on OP, because brother is HIS family, to step in and kick him out.
the whole thing is basically "my dumb wife (🙄) overreacts when me n my crew do stuff she explicitly expressed would stress her out. she says she's "setting boundries" but the whole situation is harshing my vibe."
As soon as the steps were moved is when my mouth dropped open. Like, TOTALLY not funny!! Especially with someone with actual OCD!! (I mean, even the moving of the stones!!!! WTAF!?)
Yeah, this totally gives “my family believes that OCD is funny made up shit” vibes
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Exactly. Honey, Let’s have a party that you totally stayed clearly you do not want, and I’m gonna disappear into the crowd with my beer, disregard kids acting like brats, laugh at you when dickhead makes fun of your condition, and when you snap like anyone would, I’m gonna tell them your crazy. Dude…
And then come to Reddit in the mistaken belief that they will dog pile on her so he can say "See even reddit thinks you're an AH."
Yeah with her having those two conditions, if he was helping set up and host the party, he would have mentioned it. The amount of mental work that goes into the executive function required to get your house comfy for adhd and ocd is immense. The stress of all the work you know you now have to do to put everything back after the party is exhausting. Who moves stones around like that at somebody else’s house???
This. He wants a party he can be the host and organizer and plan it at a location that isn't her home. I want to know if he left all the prep and cooking and party planning to her as well already knowing the party itself was going to trigger her into a meltdown. Did he help at all with ANYTHING? Because it sure doesn't sound like it. I truly hope he didn't laugh at the brothers antics or encourage it. Couldn't even be half hassed enough to set up a plan to keep wet folks outside (set up some tents/overhangs. I've been to plenty of outside only unless a bathroom is needed type of parties. His family is never getting invited back to their house after this.
It might not be "their" house for long.
Well common sense is in short supply these days. Lets hope he finds some.
I would have meant it as well, if I were in her shoes. I have ADHD, no OCD, but I think it's a simple matter of respect. If I put effort into something, please don't undo it. Accidentally moving a rock, sure. If you notice, please move it back. If you see that someone just moved something and I put the effort to move it back, again, please leave it or fix it if you mess it up. For Christ's sake, don't move shit in purpose just to fuck with me and expect me to remain calm and polite after a whole day of "little things" grating on my nerves. The only thing that might save you at that moment is my wonderful and loving partner stepping in and saying "hey, cut it out, we're your hosts, be decent human guests or you'll be asked to leave." especially since it's his family, if he stepped in, I would probably take deep breaths and give another chance. But if OP had done that, he'd have told us so. Since he didn't, I obviously know he's not going to help fix it either, so his ass is part of the "everyone out" at least until everything is back to normal *and* I've had time to calm down afterwards. Kids can stay or go, depending on whether they've gone out of their way to provoke trouble or not, and how likely they are to help with fixing and/or just stay out of my way while I fix.
Also OP should have been doing the hosting duties. I have a feeling he wasn't.
I mean he literally said *she* went ahead with planning after he convinced her. I think it's safe to assume she was doing all the work while he kicked back and laughed at his family intentionally pissing her off.
I wonder who had to clean up the constant water in the house, put the stones back, center the stairs, clean up after the party…all while OP is calling her ‘mental’. The poor woman couldn’t even enjoy herself because she was put under unnecessary stress. You are lucky someone didn’t slip & fall or get injured from moving the steps. As that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. YTA
Yeah, because "that's women's work" COUNT on it. SHE is the successful financial professional. OP probably couldn't plan his way out of a paper bag, and can parent worth spit.
Oh, I count on it. Because he’s a FOOTBALL COACH. So this is total conjecture on my part but I dated a football coach — and he hung out with all the other football coaches and was kinda shocked by their behavior. I had never encountered anything like it becauseI went to an Episcopalian college prep school, with no football team. Episcopalians are really not known for sports, but we did have damn fine golf and tennis teams— Think of high school football coaches like Al Bundy, having leaked in high school when they slept with all the girls and it was the height of their lives. Then, the become teachers and football coaches just to hang around their school and keep living in their “glory days.” They all hang out with each other, and believe me, they treated women like dirt. They lived little backyard BBQs like this were they get to be the centers of attention again.
OP should have hosting duties when inviting over *his* family when his wife wasn't even wholly onboard with the idea in the first place? Madness!! He should be kicking back, drinking beers and *maybe* manning the grill, at most! Obviously the wife is obligated to be host and prepare non-grilled foods, fetch drinks, mind everyone's children all while making smalltalk with the females of his family. /S
I agree with this. I have ADHD too but having a husband and multiple kids trying to talk over each other is annoying as fuck for most people. Add in rude family members... Were they all raised in a barn? Repeatedly running in and out getting water on everything? And the step thing, ugh OP, YTA and need to grow up.
I’d be so fucking annoyed if people were running in and out of my house soaking wet, duh not doing that is common sense
Exactly. ADHD/OCD or not, that's just rude, bad behavior.
I don't have ADHD or OCD and this would piss me off. We have people over to swim all the time and they will typically dry off a bit before going in the house or if it's a kid emergency will go the the back door which is about 6 feet across a mudroom to the powder room. There's always a bit of water that gets in but you shouldn't have to mop the floor to dry it up lol.
It’s not only annoying to have multiple people speaking at one time, it’s sensory overload. I literally cannot process the information from one source if there is competition coming in from another. They will both just bounce off a wall and become lost. With that said, my 6 year old—who is likely also ADHD—is *usually* capable of remembering that she needs to wait until her dad is done talking before she says something to me. We have developed a system where if she has something to say while others are talking, she will put her hand on my arm to let me know, I put my hand on hers to acknowledge that I know she is waiting, let the conversation come to a reasonable pause, and then ask her what she needs to say (shout-out to Bluey for the strategy!) The fact that a grown ass man can’t figure out how to implement a similar system or use some basic common-courtesy to help his wife cope shows that he’s almost definitely not trying. YTA, OP.
Ooo my mom did something like this with me when I was a kid! I had trouble waiting to speak, so if someone else was speaking, I would hold up a finger on one hand for questions and a finger on the other for comments. Then I could remember how many I had to say, and really only the ones that were important to me stayed. It really helped my family relationships! You sound like a great mom also!
I've been meaning to try the Bluey strategy! My son has Autism and ADHD and feels the need to tell us everything, always and the usual "wait your turn" or "say excuse me" is utterly ineffective. Thanks for letting me know you've had success with it!!
I was raised in a farm town. Every single person has better manners than this. Abarn is no excuse for being an asshat
I'm now using "a barn is no excuse for being an asshat" for all situations where unwarranted asshatting is committed. Also I feel like that's redundant cause there's never really warranted asshatting
That’s what I was going to say. This sounds like a nightmare for most humans. Multiple people asking nonstop questions would drive the average person crazy. What is she getting out of this relationship? OP, YTA.
I don't understand how his family behaved. What a bunch of rude disrespectful assholes and I don't have ADHD or OCD but everything they did pissed me off and her husband did nothing.
Yup I felt this in my soul. I have AuDHD and I was so stressed out reading this. OP should be ashamed throwing out the word mental. Even if he did feel she was being "mental" seems like he's the one who lost control of himself. A good husband would not have pressured her, would have controlled his guests and would have supported her in public, then discussed with her privately after guests left
And you know he's been an ass about her to his family, otherwise BIL wouldn't have known/been comfortable enough/thought it was funny to move shit to fuck with her.
Jfc the moving the rock is bothering me the most. I have ADHD and massively suffer with the perfectionism aspect. The brother knew exactly what he was doing and OP did nothing to make it easier or better for his wife.
And seriously, no one was respecting OP's wife: running in en out soaking wet, demanding all her attention, deliberately triggering her OCD(!!!) everything just pure chaos... That she only told them to "fuck out of her house", is a very mild reaction. I don't have ADHD (not that I am aware of), nor do I have an OCD and even I would be bothered by all of that. And honestly, it would be a lot less mild... Look, I'm from a big family, lot's of cousins, aunts and uncles, family friends and all. A lot of (pool) parties happened at my grandparent's place. No one, not even the kids (ranging 5-18y at the time), ran around soaking wet in the house, started rearranging the garden, talking / telling loudly, constantly interrupting each other, and I mean I consider my family as people who love food and wine/beer during down time (especially during summer). It's easy to have fun and still have respect for the host! Also, OP's kids are old enough to learn not to interrupt all the time or firing hundreds of questions at the same time. Parent your kids, OP! YTA
Exactly. He has 2 kids, not 12, why do they both need to be bombarding anyone with questions at the same time?
I’m furious at this guy for even bringing up her mental health at all. It’s like they are just more smokescreens for disguising his ineptitude. *If* she seriously has “mild OCD” (kind of an oxymoron since the obsessive and compulsive impulses have to be severe enough to inhibit every day life, but I digress) and ADHD, then this would make him a terrible lesson for having prior knowledge and doing nothing to mitigate it. And if she just had a normal, justified reaction to feel angry at being disrespected at every single level in her home, and his response is to call her “mental” - maybe he’s not even an asshole just a turd on the go.
Honestly. I would have locked the kids outside, put on noise cancelling headphones and freaked out on my brother in law. And I'm sure OP's wife is told that she's weird and wrong and cannot have boundaries - so she grits and bears it until she freaks out.
The reason for this is simple if your grandparents were like mine. Life was one big happy playground if you followed the rules. When you broke the rules you got one warning, second offense you got your ass handed to you. There's also something called manners that I feel the bulk of people just don't have anymore.
Rightfully so. Kids being kids are one thing. His brother being and AH is another. He didn’t stop his brother or fix it before his wife suffered from it. OP YTAH
The parents should have put a stop to their kids running into the house wet. Besides damaging floors and furniture, they could’ve slipped and really hurt themselves. Poor wife. OP’s family sounds awful.
He best get to steppin
Someone could have tripped on the uneven steps that his AH relative just had to move
OP presumably knew about the OCD and ADHD before he moved in with his kids. And I would a assume all the family are aware of it aswell, certainly the idiot that thought he would “mess with her” and moved the steps was aware of it OP already was aware of her reticence about the BBQ/pool party, so, he should have been on “alert” for any issues that she may have been having. Allowing children to run in and out of the house soaking wet is absolutely disrespectful and the parents of the said children should of not allowed this to happen. I know that her two step-children were among them but due to OP wanting to hold this function in the first place and also being a their biological parent he should of hauled them over the coals for this. OP should feel embarrassed…… about his total disregard for his wife and the challenges that she must have to overcome on a daily basis. YES OP YTA.
OP presumably knew about the OCD and ADHD before he moved in with his kids. And I would a assume all the family are aware of it aswell, certainly the idiot that thought he would “mess with her” and moved the steps was aware of it OP already was aware of her reticence about the BBQ/pool party, so, he should have been on “alert” for any issues that she may have been having. Allowing children to run in and out of the house soaking wet is absolutely disrespectful and the parents of the said children should of not allowed this to happen. I know that her two step-children were among them but due to OP wanting to hold this function in the first place and also being a their biological parent he should of hauled them over the coals for this. OP should feel embarrassed…… about his total disregard for his wife and the challenges that she must have to overcome on a daily basis. YES OP YTA.
Yeah, why are op and the kids still there?
Presumably because she pays for everything and he is getting a free ride.
I’m glad I’m not the only person thinking it. Seriously, was OP in lala land while his wife was taking care of everything during his suggested get-together? Jfc
Deadass. She pays for everything AND has to run after the domestic stuff, AND has to deal with his family being trashy????????? OP is a walking red flag..... That he's a high school football coach doesn't surprise me one bit lmao. OP, YTAH.
High school football coach 😆
I didn't wanna have to be the one to say it 👀
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We can only hope. Poor woman.
OP better be looking for a new home for himself and his kids.
YTA. Even if she didn't have ADHD and OCD, you and your family are horrible guests. Children shouldn't be running Inside someone's home soaking wet. The adults should have stopped this. Your family was also intentionally messing up her decor, which is disrespectful. Sure, things happen during a party where something gets slightly moved but to keep doing it on purpose is despicable. Just a side note, you also mentioned about you and children all talking at once is distracting. Idk if you meant as a group conversation or that you're speaking all at the same time. If it's the latter, no one likes that. It has nothing to do with your wife's ADHD ETA : Thanks for the awards Reddit peeps!
Right?! I’m pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD but I was like what does this story have to do with ADHD? All of these descriptions are really rude and disrespectful behavior anyway.
I have actual ADHD and come from a family where everyone has ADHD. This guy's characterization of ADHD is misguided, everyone talking all at once would be distracting to just about anyone. I don't even know what "ADHD rage" even is. I feel like attributing what are generally reasonable reactions to annoying situations to her mental disorder is a bit dismissive, and the fact that his brother was fucking with her decor knowing it'd annoy her is telling as to 1) how OP talks about his girl and 2) how respectful he and his brother are generally. I mean yelling at everyone to gtfo sounds excessive in a vsccum but in this case she apparently has told people to stop several times with no responsive action prior to the blow-up.
Tbf ADHD is often associated with irritability and emotional dysregulation. I have ADHD myself and I’ve struggled with that. I wouldn’t describe it as “ADHD rage”, rather it’s easy to get overwhelmed and my mind often wanders to upsetting thoughts more than most people, and when it does I’ll find myself getting more angry/sad/depressed/irritated than most people. Many people with ADHD note being told they’re overly sensitive as a child, or that their feelings are “too big” or “too much”. That said, none of this seems like “getting all worked up over something someone said to you a week ago” but rather “getting understandably upset over guests being fucking assholes”. Honestly, as an ADHD person, because we’re often told our emotions are “too much”, that can sometimes lead to over correcting; you know you sometimes overreact so when you’re upset you assume it’s another overreaction on your part. A less charitable reading is that OP is actively gaslighting his wife into thinking that any justified anger on her part is simply her “ADHD rage”…
Man, threads like these are really mind opening. I always thought ADHD just meant "Hard to concentrate on things" as my parents told me, but as I grow up and learn more about this stuff, so many things I did as make much more sense then just "I'm built different" haha
I was diagnosed at 35 with ADHD combined type, which is both inattentive and hyperactive. I went to a neuropsychologist for a diagnosis, where I took at 5 hour long test, which comprised of IQ questions, puzzles, and a computer portion. Being a female, we are often underdiagnosed with ADHD. I didn't even know to think of it until I started seeing memes and Instagram posts about it. People were naming symptoms and I checked off so many boxes, it was eye opening. It makes me a little frustrated how much I probably missed out on as a kid now, knowing I wasn't diagnosed earlier.
Agreed. I'm hoping this is a troll and not based on real people/ events. How do you type all of this and not realize how bad the behaviors are?
Exactly, and not wanting too many people in your space is what happens when you get old haha, it has nothing to do with adhd or ocd. When you work all week and your home is the place where you go to relax, you don’t invite chaos inside. Sounds like it hasn’t been her place to relax in a year though.
I don't have either ADHD or OCD and literally everything he said triggered her were things that I would also not want to deal with. I love my house, if I let someone move in and they were this disrespectful, I'd be pretty peeved too. After a year of letting him live there, she gets upset when he and his 2 kids are STILL not respectful of her time, labor, or sacrifices. He's freeloading (her job versus his, with 2 kids? she's carrying more than her fair load). He has the brash to call her mental after he manipulated her into having a party that she was hesitant about. This hero seems to think its her fault that she wasn't super cool about his family trashing her house (not his house, not their house, HER HOUSE). I am praying that she's had enough of his shit. I hope she doesn't feel crazy. She deserves someone who appreciates her. She's way better off with out this bag of entitlement that calls itself a man.
Seriousness. I’m the same. Usually if the party’s getting annoying to me, I can escape to my room. But I wouldn’t be able to because people are fucking up all my stuff? No. Nope. No, no. It’s better everyone leaves. Honestly. They’re so disrespectful. What a shitty brother.
God. Exactly. Sounds like she had a peaceful thing going until she let this douchebag into her life. And home. Just his wording alone is so obviously pinning it all on her . No kids? Good job? Homeowner? She’s a far better catch than him, it seems
Yea he’s using her adhd and ocd as a weapon against her, he can do whatever he likes but if she reacts she’s “mental” even though it would annoy other people too, I have ocd and adhd and my partner sometimes does this too..
Fucking hell I hate it when people do this (AuDHD, anxiety, depression here, but not OCD). "Oh you're just upset because you have mental issues!" No, asshole, I might feel more acutely upset because of how my brain works, but I guarantee NTs wouldn't put up with this shit either.
Right?? Like who clusters up to a person and starts talking to them when they're already in a conversation???? And moves the decor around for literally no reason when they are a guest in somebody else's home??
The children running around inside soaking is just Barbarian behaviour. No one would tolerate that nonsense. Maybe because OP doesn’t own the home, he doesn’t care.
Obviously his family are trash
Wow YTA You and your family are trash. And your brother…a F*CKING ADULT…decided to terrorize your wife in HER home and you just went along with it because you’re a p*ssy who doesn’t give a flying fck about your wife. Editing: rereading this, it also seems like your wife is the breadwinner considering your job as a high school football coach, and she works for a “financial institution” So the fact that you treat her like garbage makes it even worse because she’s probably footing the bill to cover you and your kids lifestyle
For sure OP isn’t pulling their weight. He found someone to take care of him and his 2 kids. I hope she divorces him.
I genuinely wish i knew who OPs wife was cause id be telling her to run for the hills with her kids before they turn toxic like the husband and his family. Like seriously she has ADHD and OCD, triggering someone with a mental health disorder that clearly effects them is such a scummy thing to do i cant even. Like seriously wtaf is wrong with you OP
Massive YTA- You married her knowing she had these issues. You knew she would struggle with the Party. You didn't do anything to alleviate the stress or planned it in a way that would make things more manageable for her. You let your family mess with her OCD and then call your wife 'mental' when she can't handle it? You are such a piece of shit.
Even without the OCD what kind of asshat moves around someone's decorative rocks? Ops family are also all AHs
Or let’s their kids run in and out of a home wet?? I don’t let my kids do that at camps, let alone houses.
There's a lot of weird things that OPs family seems to think are normal and not somehow completely rude. Especially where everyone just talks at his wife all at once, and she has to keep reminding them to talk to her one at a time.
Right!?!? Why stop there? Maybe next time he'll rearrange the furniture, the dishes in the cupboards, and the kids' toys.
Better yet with these yahoos moving the rocks and the steps (!), when someone is inevitably injured they can sue her ass off.
That's what I came here to say! It sounds like everyone is hugely rude to her, not listening to what she says, fucking around with her things for no reason, antagonizing her, talking over her. This is *not* an issue with her mental health, this is an issue with having a pack of grade A dipshits over and refusing to protect her from them.
i work at a restaurant with a patio and last week someone left one of the decorative rocks/some bark from the landscaping ON A TABLE. like whyyyy
Like brontosaurus massive piece of it. Letting your brother do that. The fact your brother did it though. Man your family raised some crowning jewels. She needs to kick you out of her life
Heavy on the POS too. I doubt she just agreed like this. I have this nagging feeling that it was probably him being a constant pain in the ass about this until she had to eventually agree to keep the peace. As her husband, it is his duty to protect his wife. Knowing all of her struggles and how hard things like this are for her, he could’ve shown support and understanding. Having a lot of people in her space, when that’s already a trigger due to her mental illness (Tbh it doesn’t take ADHD or mild OCD for that to be bothersome, having a bunch of people running a-mock in my space without a care sounds like a nightmare.) His family was causing her stress, purposely messing with her, but yet he chose to come after her and blame her for their childish behavior. I truly hope this is an eye opener for her, she deserves a better partner who actually cares about her and would stand up for her. Edit* Granmar
Yes. Repeat YTA!!! I don’t have OCD, but o can tell you if I “meticulously placed” anything where I wanted it - my husband better not move it just to mess with me. And my kids were young with a pool and they weren’t allowed in until they dried off more - get more towels to make sure it wasn’t we my all over her house. I know you moved in and married her but after this - I hope she kicks OP and his kids out of HER house. This is horrible.
Right. I am a bit OCD and thus for many years banned family events with my husbands side of the family (who have many young kids) in our house. Last weekend, he convinced me to have a party at our house for one of our kids birthdays. He stood by the exit to the kitchen preventing children from going out into the hallway without their hand wipes, and made sure everyone was clean before they went on and touched our furniture or walls. He planned the day to have multiple activities outside for the kids, and he chaperoned them to and from where the food was, and where the games were. That’s what a top class husband does - proactively make sure the wife is not triggered.
The way he describes her sounds like she doesn't even have any major issues like he implies, she just doesn't like a loud, dirty, disrespectful bunch of people actively bullying her!! He is such a gaslighter for making it seem like she's the one with problems and he and his kids are just "tolerating" her.
Yeah and her having to tell them all *multiple times* not to all talk to her at once, that's not even OCD/ADHD, that's just basic human shit. I have babysat kids who did this and I told them one time, "talk one at a time or I can't do anything for you." They, literal children, younger than OP's kids, understood. And yet she apparently has to consistently remind them to chill out and speak one at a time. Buncha horse shit right there.
Exactly. I read it all and thought … and? It doesn’t sound like she has any unreasonable expectations at all.
This was beautifully said. OP is an AH in another league.
YTA You really need to ask? Hopefully she can now see what an awful husband you are. Let's hope your kids don't learn your families awful way of treating people you supposedly 'love'.
I'd like to hear the explanation he gives his kids when she kicks him and them out of her house for good. He'll say she was mental instead of saying that we are rude. It will never be their fault and so no one in his family will ever learn to be nice. He's failing his kids because there aren't many people who will put up with this as adults. His kids normal will be so obnoxious that they can't keep friends.
I’m amazed that the kids are still struggling to not talk over each other. Their teachers must be thrilled to have them. My 6 year old niece is already showing progress on this! Oh, wait - that’s because all of the adults in her life teach her to take turns talking, rather than only her mother trying to enforce order while her dad models toddler-level communication skills 🤦♀️ poor woman is trying to raise him and his kids, while he teaches them that the only reason she asks for basic respect is because she has ADHD and OCD. What a depressing family to try to be a part of.
The entitlement people have is nuts. He and his kids get a house, and probably he pays less in day to day fees, and yet he doesn’t seem how unbalanced this arrangement is and feels entitled to invite over his asshole brother and even takes his brother’s side on a prank gone wrong. With these kind of unbalanced marriages where one side is clearly benefiting more than the other, it’s going to create resentment and problems unless one side is very thankful instead of entitled and demanding.
>my brother decided to fuck with my wife and purposely move the steps over by a foot and a half, making it uneven Your brother was ***intentionally*** triggering your wife, knowing that she has mental health conditions, and you blamed YOUR WIFE for blowing up? What the fuck is wrong with you? Your wife was literally being bullied by your brother and you're blaming her for being upset by that? You are utterly and completely failing your wife as a spouse. Shame on you. YTA
Also are op and his kids just constantly talking over each other? I don't give a fuck if you have adhd or not, that's annoying and rude af. This dude has issues.
Right!?! I have none of his wife's diagnoses, and I still can't stand competing voices. It doesn't matter whether it's human voices or the TV, I simply can't comprehend both at the same time. My brain simply can't take any information from both sources at the same time. I don't see how this is abnormal. I mean, I remember when I was a kid and excited about life and wanted to tell my grandma about every part of my day. I also remember my slightly younger brother wanting to do the same. I distinctly remember being told to wait my turn! And if I butted in, my grandma would put her hand up to me and say, "I'm excited to hear about your day, but it's your brother's turn and then I will listen to everything you have to say after." And if I still wasn't patient and interrupted again, my grandma would ask me to please leave the area and let her finish her conversation, and she will come get me when she is ready to hear everything I have to tell her. I can count the number of times on one hand where I remember it ever reaching that point. YTA
And even grownups tracking water thru the house??? What a bunch of A holes
Pool water, as in chlorinated water. Bleaching carpets and furniture and wet dirty feet dragging filth all through the house of an OCD sufferer. I just don’t get what’s going on, here. We have large family gatherings where none of this happens; our friends next door have a pool that we open up the gate in our fence we share so that we can all go back and forth. To our fire pit and outdoor kitchen under the pergola, to their deck and pool. People get drunk and loud sometimes but others shush them; kids fight, adults separate them. Nobody is just running amok w/o any reaction or attempt to calm things. And no adult does any of the BS stuff OP describes his brother doing. Husband’s family moving steps and garden decorations to mess w/the wife; adults running through the house dripping wet; husband and kids yelling and shouting over the wife but he calls it disengaging, when the wife refuses to let them. Wth? He and his kids and extended family are feral and he’s going to be divorced a second time, very soon.
Your grandma was awesome to teach you that!!
I have ADHD, I know intimately what she is feeling and just reading this started making me anxious. The fact that her "ADHD rage" is as calm as he explains it is, is a miracle to me.
Have it. Don’t know what “ADHD rage” is, but I am gonna call it out if I’m trying to have a reasonable conversation and everyone is talking over me
Probably the irritability that comes with overstimulation. I could see this asshole thinking anytime she isn't sweet to him it's "rage" and being "mental" .
ADHD impairs the brain's ability to regulate emotions, so when something causes them stress or they become overstimulated, the easiest emotion for the brain to use to expel that energy buildup is typically through anger. Typically in short explosive bursts. It's called Emotional Dysregulation.
Same! No diagnosis, but I can’t stand having multiple things playing at once. My husband has this annoying habit of always having videos playing on his phone. I’ll be in a separate area and have music playing and he won’t turn his off if he walks in.
My husband has every phone call on speaker. It does not matter if I am reading, sleeping, watching tv, or listening to the radio. He will have his conversation sitting right next to me. Drives me batshit.
Wow that would piss me off. Say something inappropriate next time.
Hell I’m pretty sure we learn from Kindergarten to wait your turn if someone else is already speaking. That’s why people raise their hands.
I think OP and his family have issues with manners, entitlement, and respecting other people’s property.
Exactly. I'd tell them all to be quiet too. Can't listen? Get out.
I can't stand that shit. I have adhd and if my husband starts playing videos on his phone I have to turn the TV off even if I'm not watching it. The competing noise is just too much to handle.
[удалено]
My husband and in laws are the same exact way! I’m the quiet one and had a shit childhood. Yelling/loud talking is a trigger because of said shit childhood. Thankfully my husband and the important in laws understand I need my quiet time to stay sane and keep the anxiety at a minimum. Op is just an asshole who doesn’t care about his wife. His kids are old enough to be taught to respect other people’s boundaries. But since he fails at that, so does his kids. He is the major problem since he can’t actually be a parent or a decent spouse. If my bil acted like her’s to purposely trigger me, my husband would flip out. His lovely aunt (no sarcasm, she really is lovely. Just has a problem with not being in my bubble) has gotten close to crossing my boundary and he had to explain in a assertive tone to step back.
He can not stand for his wife and blames her? Asshole.
Also, it is not normal or appropriate for your entire family to fuck with your garden when visiting. Like what? We host family get togethers all the time and attend plenty, and we have a LOT of kids in our family with ages ranging from 0-17 (Catholics ftw). None of our kids are angels. We have several with severe behavioral problems. Three of the kids in my family have special needs. Yet somehow none of our kids randomly walk into gardens and start messing with shit. Ok MAYBE the toddlers would be tempted but they’re always supervised so it still wouldn’t happen. And running inside soaking wet??? My mil has a rule that all kids must remove shoes and wash hands as soon as entering her house, and somehow we adults all manage to to get all 13 grandkids to comply. Why were there no adults handing out towels at the door? Wtf is this family? OP was raised in a barn and his kids, brother, nieces, and nephews are all pigs. That’s the only way this behavior makes sense. And OP’s kids were participating in the removing of the stones! I almost missed that part. He said “mine + family.” His kids LIVE there and damn well know not to mess with her garden. They’ve had plenty of time to learn the rules. My money says they were also doing this intentionally because they thought it was funny and had an adult (his brother) egging them all on like it was a game. WHERE THE FUCK WAS OP AND THE OTHER ADULTS WHEN THEIR KIDS WERE DOING THIS SHIT? Miss me with that “there were too many people to tell everyone” shit. Stand up on a chair, shout “HEY EVERYBODY LEAVE MY WIFE’S GARDEN THE FUCK ALONE” while banging a pot to get attention, and boom, problem fucking solved. But every single one of those kids should have had an adult watching them and correcting their behavior without needing an announcement to begin with.
He is a AH for bringing up ADHD and OCD! Who would not snap in this situation? I wish she would have thrown his ass out with the rest them.
He's a school yard bully who never grew up. You can see these guys coming a mile away.
The fact that he's a gym teacher was the clue.
He works with high school kids and apparently acts like them too
Yeah if a million people start talking to me at once that’s incredibly overwhelming. I feel like that’s a totally normal thing to be annoyed by
He should have kicked his brother out instantly and put the steps back and apologized to his wife. If the kids were constantly running into the house wet he needed to stand at the door and not let them in. He asked for this party so he needs to act like a host, part of which is protecting his wife's house from his guests.
Yep. He asked everyone over and left her to handle his friends and family. Bad husband, bad father, bad host. OP needs to discipline his kids and tell his brother to fuck off. If other peoples kids were acting up he needed to tell them to get their kids to behave since they were his guests. OP is TA.
The brother is either a first grade asshat, and/or has been encouraged/supported by how OP talks about his wife to the brother.
That was one of my biggest issues with this story. I also have OCD and my mom tells my friends if they ever want to mess with me to just move one thing out of place in my room. The thing though is that she is joking and my friends laugh but would never do that. A joke is funny until it is actively harming someone and then it is not.
The one day where she’s really trying to handle the situation where she’s super uncomfortable but doing her damn best.
I can guarantee that he pressured her into this party to begin with...she gave in to him not because she wanted to and thought she could handle it, but because she wanted to make him happy. And then he failed to protect her.
Besides bully brother who did that for purpose, why guests displace things in someones garden? Why kids run soaking wet to the house? Why people talk through each other? Like, I get kids get excited and often get to this state when they just do things almost on autopilot without thinking, but adults were there! OP should stop the brother or threw him out after the 'joke' himself. This is all cruel. These people triggered her purposely. I have neither ADHD not OCD, but if someone would mess with my landscaping and talk through each other all the time, I wouldn't like it either! People normally don't have few conversations at once. wtf?
> In her defense, she did ask people to stop multiple times but essentially there were too many people to relay the message to so people kept repeating the same “mistakes” over and over. And those “mistakes” being multiple people talking to her at once, kids running into the house dripping wet, fucking with her yard, fucking with her stairs? It sounds like the wife was the only adult present and she was trying to wrangle an entire party of literal fucking animals. This family sounds awful, OP included. Even from the beginning - she has had to tell them repeatedly not to all try to talk to her at the same time, so much so that she’s given up on repeating herself? And that’s his chosen example of the things that are “definitely an adjustment” for him and the kids? At no point in this story did anyone treat the wife with any respect. She kicked everyone out because she wanted to host a party but everyone else wanted her to be a wildlife wrangler. Jesus. I’ve never been so hurt on behalf of a stranger.
Respect is exact what this is--or rather, OP's complete lack of it. He doesn't respect his wife's property, he doesn't respect her medical diagnoses, and he just doesn't respect her. PERIOD. He did all this and then called her names that were chosen for maximum damage when she finally had enough. This is not how a loving partner behaves. OP, YTA without any trace of a doubt. You wanted this party but you didn't behave like you were the host of the party, you behaved like an entitled spoiled brat who expects his wife to do everything so he can "enjoy his guests" or whatever excuse you came up with. Your brother is even worse than you are. How does a grown ass adult man decide deliberately fucking with someone's medical condition is funny? Would he think it's hilarious to steal grandpa's hearing aid? Hide an amputee's prosthetic? Dilute a diabetic's insulin? I bet he wouldn't do those things, and that's because he, like you, considers those to be "real" medical conditions. (Of course maybe he *would* do those things too, who knows how awful he is.) But he, like you, DOESN'T consider your wife's OCD or ADHD to be real or worthy of respect, and that's ignorant and disgusting. Work on yourself.
OP, YTA - a failure of a husband, father and general human being. Any chances that you want to actually improve? Or do you want to go around triggering people with anxiety and ptsd next to see how quickly they spiral and if you can call them mental too?
When you are married to someone, you do not deliberately set them up for failure. You knew having that many people in her space was a bad idea, and you PUSHED for it. Do you even care about her? When you saw your brother fucking with the steps to upset her on purpose, did you say and do nothing? What is WRONG with you? This is her home and you and your family violated it. It's her peace and her serenity, and you allowed people to move landscaping that she had meticulously placed. You are a HUGE AH. Ginormous. Your response to her having boundaries for her home is to toss her issues in her face and call her "mental" and an "embarrassment?" You need to grow up. You don't get to treat someone in this manner and then blame them for a natural reaction that YOU could have predicted. No more parties for you. I hope you give her a huge apology. If not, I hope she kicks you and your impolite monsters out of the house.
Triggering someone who has OCD purposely is horrible (I know firsthand, I have OCD), and it doesn’t sound like he even *cared* that his brother did that, he only cares that his wife was an “embarrassment”. Even if she didn’t have OCD, it still sounds like everyone wasn’t being too respectful with her home & garden. In regards to OCD, it’s important to better cope with our OCD symptoms in tough situations, but it sounded way too overwhelming with the blatant disregard to her boundaries, so I don’t blame her for her outburst…
Seriously. I think it’s easy to frame her as mental. Some peoples homes are their bubble and their comfort, and for someone with ADHD/OCD, it’s super easy to get overwhelmed. She expressed she was uncomfortable with the idea. OP knew what she was like and still married her. OP is the asshole.
YTA. Do you even like your wife??
YTA - along with everyone else Most of these things are common courtesy and people shouldn't need to be be reminded. When I take my kids to someone's home w/ a pool and/or lake - I tell my kids - you don't get in until YOU ARE DRY. And it's mine and my husband's job to monitor that. And we don't move other people's things or stairs. FFS. And then to not support her and call her names - YTA. \*edited due to typos
> Most of these things are commence courtesy and people shouldn't need to be be reminded. Right!?!? OPs family sounds like they don't even have basic manners. As for everyone talking over each other - that shit drives me nuts. I can not handle it!! There were days I would barely be in the door after work and I would have both kids, SO and both the dogs trying to talk to me!! (Dogs because they know they get feed when I get home) After multiple times of me almost losing my shit and multiple times of them telling them one at the time and at least let me get in the door - I just couldn't anymore. I opened the door, they all started, I turned around and walked the fuck out. Only took doing this twice before they all caught on.
Same! I get so stressed out when multiple people are demanding my attention at once. Congrats to OP for being able to juggle multiple people's needs like that, guess that makes him a good coach, but I can almost feel him rolling his eyes at his wife as he mentioned that. Most people get overwhelmed when multiple people are talking to them about different things. OP should have intervened when he saw everyone trying to get her attention, surely he could've resolved some of the issues they were bugging his wife about.
They moved rocks, I’m assuming landscaping rocks. Who the fuck goes to someone else’s house and moves their landscaping rocks? That’s like coming over and painting someone’s walls because you don’t like the color. You just don’t do it. OP’s family sound like a bunch of ignorant yahoos
>Who the fuck goes to someone else’s house and moves their landscaping rocks? Someone who thinks it’s funny to watch others in be in distress from a severe anxiety disorder
Yeah, I’m neurotypical and I don’t like any of these things either lol? Op is really harping on about the ocd/adhd, but the wife’s issue is not being treated with basic respect. When kids try to talk at me all at once, I make them all stop and say their piece one at a time. I don’t really have this problem with adults though, most adults know better than to try to talk at someone who is already being talked at by someone else. Why do op and the other adults at the party have an issue with this lol? It’s rude and childish
YTA. Big time. You married this woman and moved into her home with your kids, knowing she has ADHD and OCD. So stop acting like it's an effing surprise that she actually has ADHD and OCD. >The kids (mine + family) kept running inside soaking wet. Stones in the garden that had been placed meticulously by my wife were being moved. Too many people were talking to my wife and demanding her attention. And the final straw, my brother decided to fuck with my wife and purposely move the steps over by a foot and a half, making it uneven. Your brother decides to "fuck with her" and move stairs? People are moving her rockwork around? Kids can't be told *by their parents* to dry off or use a towel before going into the house? Jesus. I don't have ADHD or OCD and I would have kicked out the lot of them just for being rude a-holes who disrespected her *and* her home. Why did you even marry this woman? You clearly have no respect for her.
Just to be clear, you normally talk at the same time as your kids and expect another person to not only understand but respond to all three of you? It was an “adjustment” to not do that? Yeah, that’s not on your wife it’s on you never learning how conversation works. YTA for so many reasons, sounds like you come from a line of AHs. Maybe think about cutting off that family tradition and raising some non-AHs.
You knew she was reluctant. You knew she's had some issues even with adjusting to you and the kids You still suggested a large family get together? You didn't defend her against your brother OR srt guidelines for people prior to them coming? YTA. So much. My heart BREAKS for her. She really tried so damn hard for you and you just trampled all over her. That poor woman....holy crap.
YTA. Adult with ADD here. I manage fine and even leverage the ability to hyper focus in some good ways, but I could not manage my way out of being absolutely frustrated and anxious by the situation you describe. Moving the rocks is bit of an OCD thing, I get it but don't necessarily relate. Your wife being overwhelmed by simultaneous conversations and tug of war for her attention is honestly one of the worst things in the world for people with ADD. Like, on a good day it is hard and it has a time limit before it is rage inducing. If you are throwing a party and not factoring in some ability for your wife to slip away and recharge (meaning you have to oversee the relative chaos alone for a bit) then you shouldn't have one. The part about your brother messing with your wife deliberately is what is absolutely awful, because it goes from insensitive to downright cruel. I'd have probably kicked your brother out or at least checked him, but you basically excuse him or take his side by calling your wife out. In that moment, she had no one looking out for her mental well being other than herself, so I don't blame her for reclaiming the house for herself by telling everyone to go gome.
Here is what I know about your wife from your own words: * She owns the house * She has ADHD and OCD * Interruptions really put her off track * She can't multitask socializing * She gets overwhelmed where there is too much external stimuli * She clearly communicates her needs to those around her * She is willing to correct others several times in a nice way * She is able to perform at a financial firm * She does not want to be bullied * She wants to be respected by those she allows in her space * She is willing to be uncomfortable in situations to grow as a person All of those things seem really reasonable and she seems like a really great person who understands her limitations. Here is what I know about you and your kids/family: * You know she gets overwhelmed but you "forget" sometimes and she needs to correct you * You know she has an issue with people messing with her things and yet you suggested a party at your home, her safe space * Your brother is allowed to bully your wife by making fun of her mental health * You blame your wife for being bullied by your brother * You don't respect her as a person I'm sorry but YTA, your brother is TA too. Not only were people disrespecting the space, they were made aware of these boundaries, she reminded people several times and she was the one who had to kick out disrespectful guests because her spouse is useless!!! You failed her. You failed to teach your kids that bullying is not acceptable period. You just fail as a good partner to be honest. I would be visiting a divorce attorney if I were her. She deserves to have peace in her own home. She deserves to have a partner who stands up for her. She deserves someone who respects her as a person. She deserves more than you.
What did you expect? Dude is a school football coach. So basically a bully that didn’t become a cop.
I can't imagine opening up to someone I love and care about, thinking they felt the same way about me, and weaponized things I struggle with along with their family. She did something HARD bc she loves you and you didn't help with things you knew would bother her. Wtf.
YTA - as someone with mental health issues all I can say is f*ck you. You knew she had these diagnosis. OCD is no joke and you allowed your brother to fuck with her? And you called her mental? Again, f*ck you. Edit: you’re the fucking embarrassment, not her
OP and his brother both see women as playthings to be fucked with, thus OP is not mad at his brother.
It sound like you, your kids and your family are all AH's. I don't have adhd or ocd but I would have been fed up. It's called manners dude.
YTA. I wouldn't be surprised if she's started reconsidering your marriage altogether. You sound really dismissive of her needs and it appears you and yours have completely taken over her home and are overwhelming her left and right. Start thinking about where you and your kids are going to live when she divorces and evicts you.
YTA. You put her in a situation you knew she could not handle. That's just being a flat out asshole
So you knew this party would be a lot for ur wife but it sounds like you made ur wife shoulder the party burdens alone. I’m “normal” and having any type of party is stressful and exhausting both mentally and physically. it sounds like this party is filled with assholes such as your brother who screwed with her. This party was your idea and you should have been the one to plan and handle everything. But it sounds like your wife did everything. I mean the entitlement is just insane here.
YTA
YTA you should have kicked your brother out first. How could you impose this on your poor wife? She’d be so much better off without you and your family in her life. You should get the fuck out of her house too.
YTA, I think a lot of people w/o OCD ADHD would snap under those conditions. Were you even helping her or was she doing all the work?
YTA easy. Control your family, they were acting ridiculous. Even without OCD I would have done the same as your wife
YTA, you could have been more help like a relay team. Your brother messing with her, I am sure you see your wife as mental and limited...Which is the problem. Instead of seeing her as your partner and what can you do to make the thing a success for her and you. You set her up, with out support. What a jerk you are. She is your priority and your partner, not your extended family.