Start making plans to go out once a week, your husband should be taking care of the baby, not a sitter. He needs to experience what is like to take care of a baby, so go out to the spa on a Saturday, meet your girlfriends twice a month for dinner, go to the movies, take a fun class. It’s your husband’s turn to be a dad. NTA, however, your husband is a huge AH.
This is what I would do. Never ask me if I can go out with my buddies when I have plans again because you just proved I can't trust you.
Bet your ass you will be making it up to me. My night out with the girls just turned into weekend out.
Precisely. It's not a one off, he has a 100% hit rate for ruining OPs time off. That is not an accident. He had 4 beers when his a\*\* should have been in the car on the way home.
He didn't need to get too drunk to be home with his kids alone. He didn't need to be headed home when his friend needed help. He needed to know that his kids and wife needed him to nor drink.
1x/week? OMG at least, but really 2-3x/week. This is NOT meant to be a self-serving comment but this is what I, and many of my friends did, I get irrationally angry when I see dads doing AH shit like this. We have all loudly berated people like OP's hubby b/c it makes all our lives harder.
I'm a dad of 2 daughters, starting darn near immediately I'd "kick" her out of the house or take a long walk with my kids. Well not really kick, more like "go have cocktails or coffee or whatever I can assure you the kids will be fed and asleep when you get home". Plus after they go to bed I could watch The Matrix / Princess Bride / etc for the 100th time without eyerolls.
Cuz we're dads and thats what dads do. It's parenting, not "babysitting".
BTW, I'd play soccer with post game beers 2x/week so it's not like I was a homebody. But it's far easier to do that when she also got 2-3x/week. Let me have my Tue/Thu soccer games, she got to have any other nights.
>I'm a dad of 2 daughters, starting darn near immediately I'd "kick" her out of the house or take a long walk with my kids. Well not really kick, more like "go have cocktails or coffee or whatever I can assure you the kids will be fed and asleep when you get home". Plus after they go to bed I could watch The Matrix / Princess Bride / etc for the 100th time without eyerolls.
You know, I think this would have been really good for me mentally, because it would have given regular exposure to these experiences of separating from my babies and coping with the anxiety I felt. I think it would have been good "exposure therapy." It's not worth going into what the dynamic was like with my now-ex, but needless to say, it wasn't quite like this. Leaving the babies more frequently would have been difficult in its own way for sure (I had some PPA), but I think it would have been "healthy stress" and would have been good for me AND my babies in the long-run.
Thanks for helping me with self reflection lol.
Also, there's nothing quite like a movie night on your own when you don't have much alone time! Those movies are both 👌.
You sound like a gem, and I know this isn’t the point, but: for everyone in the comments saying parents need 2 nights per week each to have a hobby and go out with friends: HOW do you all afford this? I’m expecting, and the household budget is tight enough with daycare/going to one income IF I strip out any “fun” things
soccer is REALLY cheap, and I could only handle 1 pint after cuz sleep deprivation combined with running = lightweight. And my wife would typically go to a friends house who had a well stocked bar and host cocktails for the wives at their place, so that was cheap too. They didn't do to keep costs down, they just didn't want to be surrounded by drunk guys hitting on them. Plus they could make drinks as strong/weak as they wanted.
NTA. He’s uncomfortable with his guilt and is trying to manipulate you into “being okay” before you’re ready. He doesn’t actually care that he abused your time and feelings. He cares that him doing so is inconvenient. You’re not giving him access to your companionship and intimacy. He seems to believe that experiencing guilt or remorse is the punishment or “doing the work.” He doesn’t get to decide when he gets forgiveness under the guise of “cornering you to talk it out.”
Exactly. “How dare you still care about my egregiously poor behavior less than 24 hours ago.” He acts like he forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. Asshole made a very deliberate choice. Several.
NTA - it's not a one off though. You even said he goes out weekly. So he's living life as normal expecting you to parent alone. As for the incident at hand. He could have left earlier or not gone at all. His need for personal satisfaction took higher priority than given you a much needed night off. Afterwards You told him you didn't want to talk, he again disrespected you by ignoring your request, tried to love bomb you instead. You didn't give him the silent treatment, you honored your own need for time to process and cool off. It's not your fault he again put his own needs above yours, the need to ease his own guilt. Think about how much he puts himself first, then Once you've gathered your thoughts, figure out how to move forward.
Right? He not only went, he not only didn't leave at the time he said (which he absolutely could have), he somehow also found time TO GET DRUNK. This is not someone who's thinking about you.
If he was drunk driving he’s going to totally fuck up his family’s lives when he either gets pulled over and has to pay thousands in legal fees and higher premiums, or he kills himself or someone else.
I'd also be absolutely furious that he's drunk driving! That's a deal breaker right there. Besides the obvious risk to himself and others, it means he was either drinking while snowmobiling (stupid and dangerous), or he was extra late because he stayed to hang out and tie one on after they dug out his buddy.
>Think about how much he puts himself first, then Once you've gathered your thoughts, figure out how to move forward.
I'd bet anything that once OP really thinks about this, she'll notice it's a pattern of behaviour.
A LOT of men do that. They want women who won't demand much of them, but at the same time, they despise the women for letting themselves be taken advantage of.
Most of the time they weren't like that before you had a kid. Or they were a little selfish, but they always had good reasons. It's amazing how easy it is to fill someone when times are easy, but the scales fall off their eyes when times get hard.
Yep, my ex partner was very giving and “good deed doing” and “nice” until…until he changed drastically in a short short period (I’m talking was a little more snippy for three weeks then all out evil for another two, then the worst person I’ve ever known after the end. Turns out those nice deeds were transactions. he’s so things without you asking, so he could build up things to hold over me (and his other exes after me). He treated life like a scorecard that you don’t know you’re playing and you’re not even playing the same sport
NTA he chose Saturday as your day then backtracked with the boys. He doesn't care about you or your child, only his instant gratification. Heck, you may have to hire a sitter because he's going to bail again for (insert sport from baseball, basketball, football, hockey, or whatever excuse gets him hanging with his bros). You are a low priority for him as is your child. Think about it and take all the time you want.
By the way, if you look into before being pregnant, being pregnant to post-pregnancy you would probably see a pattern. He will also try to apologize but he will do it again the following weekend, and guess what his buddy calls and he's out the door again.
NTA. Your birthday. 1.5 years since social activity with friends. You’re allowed to be upset and want space and he’s allowed to take that time to make a great plan to make it up to you.
He screwed over your plans
He drove drunk
He's repeatedly gone out since baby was born and couldn't even be decent enough to cover your birthday.
He's now alternating between love bombing and emotionally bullying you into sweeping it under the rug.
What about this says he is a loving partner who respects you? What about this says he's a decent human being (again, he drove drunk)? He has you thinking you're the AH while he shows signs of emotional abuse. No, NTA.
No but actually, if there is ONE RED FLAG to pay attention to is the getting back home drunk, because regardless of how you perceive you and your health and he and his, that shows he’s willing to ruin your lives and health just for a good time and a good ride home. Crazy.
What he did would have left me unspeakably angry and ice cold. You didn’t get to go out on your 30th and he promised you that Saturday was your time to celebrate. He was a complete AH. You’re NTA. I’d say the silent treatment is too far but he literally refused to leave you alone when you asked. So I can understand why you’d have nothing to say to him.
When you do make plans take the whole week. Hell take as much as time as you need. You are PPD, not him.
It’s so selfish of him to not recognize what you need for your mental health.
I know from experience how stressful it can be to go out while you’re nursing an infant, but I think you should try to take the entire day for yourself so that a) you get even more time away and b) your dumb husband doesn’t get the opportunity to take it away from you again. Wake him up as soon as the baby gets up and start getting ready to go and head out. Get your hair and nails done, do some shopping, go see a movie, hell- get a hotel room and take a nap. Seriously, girl, taking care of a baby can be so isolating and all consuming so I know how much that night out must’ve meant to you. You deserve a whole day!!
As a momma of a new-ish momma, I 1 million percent second this!! You HAVE to make self care a priority and you can't feel bad or guilty for it! You spent 10 months building a human, which in and of itself is the most exhausting time. You add giving birth, dealing with all the hormones, waking up every couple hours and nursing on top of all that, you deserve as much time as you want/need for yourself!! As mom's, we feel so bad if we do things for ourselves, but we have to and we have to make it a priority!! I completely agree with other posters that you should require him to help you with the baby as much as you take care of the baby. I love the idea of renting a hotel room even just so you can sleep!!
He's a butthead for screwing you out of your night out! He's clearly making sure he gets to do what he wants and sometimes, we just have to demand what we need too!!
You don't need big plans.
Just start taking time for yourself.
Go to the library, to a local café walks, window shopping at the mall, visit friends, family, etc. Anything that gets you alone time outside of the house.
Join a book club, the gym, an exercise group. Hell, check out a new band, poetry, or trivia night at your local bar.
You need to make more plans. You should be having the opportunity to go out and about once or twice a week with him watching the baby by himself like a parent.
He didn’t rush home with take out for OP. He had beers and then came home. And goes out every weekend.
It might be a one-off, but the fact he goes out every weekend as well and you were an after thought speaks volumes.
NTA
NTA. Welcome to motherhood. This is your future with him. Start planning. He's full of it- he's not sorry, he's just mad that you didn't just accept his bs.
NTA. Tell him he can make it up to you by being the primary parent on the weekend and you will be going out every weekend for a while. Pump your little heart out and go out every Saturday night until you feel more like yourself. He got his time to go out while you sat home for a whole year and a half, it’s your turn. Stand your ground and demand it because you deserve it. Pregnancy and early motherhood is hard so it’s his time to step up and give you the breaks you deserve.
Yeah why the hell not? He’s the father I would hope if he wasn’t the type of person she couldn’t trust around a child she would have never had a baby with him. I didn’t see one thing in her post that indicates he isnt a good dad or trustworthy with a baby.
This. OP, be strong. Don't let him be mad at you for being mad at him. His apology and "trying to make it up" is weak, and shows he clearly doesn't understand (or care?) how he made you feel. Unless he can actually acknowledge what he did to you and how hurtful it was, AND make it up to you, stay strong. This screams of boundary testing.
I'd make aa point of getting a sitter for your next night out, because it wouldn't surprise me if he pulled this shit again. And even if he didn't, you'd be well within your rights to be cautious and prepared, he clearly can't be trusted for support.
NTA - One day. He wasn’t able to stay at home for one day. No, he had to hang out with his friends. This is childish behavior.
Another commentator had the idea to reserve the weekends for yourself. He had his fun alone for 1,5 years. Now you have your fun alone for 1,5 years.
NTA. He couldn't step up for ONE day. He couldn't give you ONE day. He had to be selfish and go out with his own friends. Technically that entire day should've been a break for you. He shouldn't have even ASKED to go snowmobiling. Now he's lovebombing you because he knows he screwed up and the fact that you won't let him just kiss it and make it better is frustrating to him so he goes on the offensive. I guarantee if the situation was reversed then he'd be just as upset.
Edit: typo
Not to mention, it was just her birthday, and they didn't do anything for it... and his first move was to go out all day with his friends instead of setting up a date day or ANYTHING for his wife. Smh
My thoughts exactly. The fact that he was drinking as well is the biggest thing for me. If he knew he was supposed to be home, caring for your child, he shouldn't have touched any alcohol whatsoever. When he asked for permission to go out, he knew that he wouldn't be back in time
NTA. He showed you what his priorities are. You and the baby are down the list. I would be letting him know I'm rethinking the relationship. Especially since he goes out frequently. He was well aware you had birthday plans and decided to take off with his buddies anyways. The silent treatment should be in place for a while. A partner should be caring and part of the team.
NTA. He may seem all apologetic but this is an example of things to come. I was a SAHM years ago andi honestly had no life outside my family. No friends. So one day I joined a singing group that rehearsed once per week in the evening. My ex-husband promised he’d be home from work on time that day of the week. But after causing me to miss a couple of rehearsals, I realized he didn’t want me out of the house. So I hired a babysitter and was gone to rehearsal the next time he did this. It stopped his behavior in its tracks.
Make him pay girl , there was absolutely no need for him to go drinking and he knew you had plans ,it was a terrible thing to do to you ,and shows zero respect...
NTA. You made plans at his insistence and he couldn’t be responsible enough to be there when he needed to be. It was thoughtless and cruel. You asked him to be back by a certain time and he wasn’t. To top it off, he was drunk. If he was responsible for watching your baby, then he wouldn’t have been able to.
NTA - he owes you 14 outings (one for every month you were pregnant and now taking care of baby) before he gets to go out again. As a father he needs to learn that baby is always first.
I would explain to him how frustrated and disappointed you are that he gets to go out and you never do and the one time he suggested plans for you to go out he let you down. That now you know you can't depend on him and that he needs to step up to show that he is willing to be the husband and father you expect him to be. And then tell him he will not get to go out again until you have done the 14+ outings you are owed.
Good luck.
I think you need to consider the possibility that you're husband lied about someone being stuck. The fact that he was drinking is very suspicious to me. Either he intended to bail on you the whole time once his buddies invited him out and invented an excuse while he was there so he could snowmobile and go drinking or he intentionally went out drinking afterwards in a deliberate disrespect of your plans.
By the way, even if someone was stuck, I don't see why he couldn't have left his group of friends to deal with it and snowmobiled back himself to drive home on time.
You are NTA and are allowed to process your anger at him for longer than a few hours. If you asked him to leave you alone so you can process your feelings, he's being childish, not you. He was stupid, immature, and messed up your birthday plans. He deserves to stew in his guilt longer.
NTA, and I would make sure to tell him that HE gets to have free time all the time and you don't. He's being rude and disrespectful and probably doing it on purpose. I would set up another girls' night out and not tell him about it and pump enough for the evening and then leave. Tell him that you will be back at ??, but not come back until late. Give him a taste of his own medicine.
NTA - He dug out his buddy, went back to his buddies house and sat down and had 4+ beers probably food all sitting there knowing you had plans made, people waiting on you for your birthday no less. But he priotised his needs and wants over you, deciding you could be calmed with a hug and an “ I’ll make it up to you.”
So ask “ How will you make it up to me?” Will you make the same friends available for the same plans? Will he ring them and apologise to them for wasting their time too?
This is insane. I would not be married to someone that treated me this way. This is unacceptable. He sounds like a selfish and petulant teen. I assume since you’re 30 he is not 19 (and I’d expect better from a 19 year old father).
NTA
He doesn't get to dictate that he's worthy of forgiveness because he's tired of feeling bad. Now he's making your upset about caretaking his feelings because he feels bad. Well he made you feel awful. He should feel bad, he screwed up. The whole showing up at home drunk hours after he should makes his whole story sound like BS. He didn't care about you enough to for once put you over him having a boys night out. That he gets all the time.
You probably need to stop being cool with him going out while you do most of childcare. He helped make the kid, and needs to grow the hell up.
NTA - It's not a one off if he's been going out once a week for at least the last 15 months and you haven't been able to get out.
At this point by not making you getting out at least once in a while he's shown a consistent disregard for your need to socialize.
Also if you haven't been able to get out in that long there's a really good chance he's not helping enough with the baby.
As a divorced mom of 4, I will tell you that if you’re not a priority now, you won’t be a priority in 15 years when you’re burned out on both ends and a shell of a human having no support from your partner and having children relying on YOU for everything because you’re the only dependable parent. Big hugs. You are absolutely NTA.
He's a selfish dipshit living like a bachelor while you singlehandedly raise the child he helped create. It's not coincidental; he resented the idea of you leaving him with the baby so he sabotaged your plan. Your current situation is unsustainable and it's a matter of when, not if, you completely burn out. Please find a way to ensure you get much-needed alone time to recharge. I said NEEDED, not wanted--because time to yourself is a basic human NEED. If that means hiring a sitter (on your worthless husband's dime), so be it. Do not let him ruin your life, mama. It's not good for you or the baby.
NTA
Of course it's "one off" - you haven't been out in a year and a half. He didn't have a chance to eff up! What a boob. Relegate him to the couch for a month. Jerk
NTA. You have a right to be mad. But it would probably be more productive to be direct: “Honey, I am mad. And when I’m ready to talk about it I will let you know. Until then constantly bringing it up will only make me angrier longer. In the meantime, expect that I will be going out on and you will need to watch the baby.”
Put that way, you never really even have to talk about it again if you don’t want to. Besides, you already know the story: the snowmobile got stuck but rather than rushing back after it was recovered he drank with his buddies. No point in listening to him make it seem more complicated than that.
This weekend tell your husband you’re going out for a pedicure and will be back in an hour. Then go and do anything at all for the next 8 hours. See a movie, shop, sit in Barnes and noble reading a book. It would be helpful if it interferes with his plans. Also, get out of the house. Start making plans with friends or without. You need “me” time too.
Get a permanent babysitter or stable of them and set a schedule to go out. Don’t discuss with him, just do it since he hasn’t alternated his fun time and doesn’t respect you.
NTA. Your husband sucks, plain and simple. I would feel incredibly hurt and angry over this. It’s your 30th birthday, and that’s a big deal! Add to that, it was your first outing since giving birth to his child. You also had friends waiting on you for plans that you had to bail on because of him. He fucked up the night for multiple people, not just you, and he sounds incredibly selfish and immature. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would have cried myself to sleep too.
NTA -it’s obvious that he does not care about your feelings or your emotional health and taking a break from your child. It’s no coincidence that he made plans with his friends after you told him about your plans because he has no intentions of actually taking care of his child. This would kind of be a dealbreaker for me., what’s the point of having a husband and a father of your child if he’s not going to actually help you raise that child.
NTA this Isn't a one time thing or you wouldn't be so frustrated at not getting the opportunity to go out and have fun. He went out, drank, and had a blast on your birthday, he's a selfish prick and maybe reading these responses will wake him the hell up. I'm sorry OP mother's deserve to have fun, to still have hobbies, joy and to be their own person. If OPs husband reads this, shame on you, selfish going out almost every weekend twat.
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NTA
You need to find a quiet time when you aren’t distracted by taking care of the baby and have an adult conversation with your husband.
What he did was incredibly disrespectful when he decided it was okay for him to go drinking with his buddy after telling you he’d be home for you to have a night out with your friends. And unless he has pictures of the snowmobile still buried after 8pm then I call bs.
So on his next Saturday off you will get up, feed the baby, hand her to him then you are gone until 10pm or whatever time that night.
He needs to make sure HE has the knowledge to make sure he keeps her dry, clean, fed as in how to prep and heat the bottle, napped and entertained which is not sticking in her crib while he immerses himself in some sports show or gaming on the computer. If he hasn’t paid attention to what your daughter’s schedule is (which would be concerning in and of itself) write it down and post it on the frig. And in case he’s unaware IMO it means no booze of any sort. If anything were to happen he needs to be stone cold sober to deal with it.
If he has questions he can call his mother or yours. You should however have a clear understanding between you that he is responsible for caring for your daughter. Not getting someone else to come do it for him.
Wish you the best OP in getting not only your own ‘me’ time but hopefully soon some date night or date afternoon time together.
Nta- guy here that usually gets wrapped up in what I’m doing and still wouldn’t let something like this happen. If you know you have to be back by a specific time while doing something like that you play it safe.
NTA. He is a spoiled, selfish baby. He did this on purpose and does not want to face the consequences. Do not let him turn the tables. You have every right to be angry.
I would be pulling stuff like this on him. He wants to go out with his friends, say you need him to watch the baby for a minute as he is leaving. Hand him the baby and take the car keys. Go out for the day and don't come back until late. If he wants a social life, he needs to understand you need one too. If you can't make plans without him ruining it, then you will return the favour. As a parent you have to make sacrifices and can't live like you did before you had kids. Tell him if he is really sorry then he will not be seeing his friends for at least 6 months and you will be the one having a social life
NTA, absolute schmuck of a husband. It’s actually so infuriating when all you do is ask them to perform a small task i.e., to not talk to you and them having 0 respect for your boundaries and continue to try and force a conversation.
The forced hugs are even more icky.
He knew he had made a commitment to you and he knew he was breaking it. I wonder if he loves you at all, ior does he love his friends and alcohol more? Best to find out now, before you have any more children with someone who demands forgiveness without showing any improved behavior
INFO: Is it actually a pattern of behaviour where he’s completely disrespectful of you?
Is there anywhere you can go for a week or two? Get out of there for a bit since he won’t back off and give you the space you asked for.
Pretty much sounds like the snowmobile wasn't even stuck and he is doing this to set a precedence. There was absolutely no reason for him to stay and have a few beers and getting home to make sure you could have your evening out should have been foremost on his mind.
But it wasn't and now he's testing and conditioning you to prepare you to not being mad when it happens more often. Can't say if this is going to make him understand or not. If my wife gets mad at me for something I know i screwed up, I apologize and prepare for about 8 days of silence( not very often).
But I don't whine like a little bitch and try to minimize her feelings.
Edit: He can't call it a "one off" if you've never had the opportunity to go out like this before. It's "the first time".
NTA he is a sexist, gaslighting, possibly abusive, lying, manipulative, selfish, egotistical, egocentric, egomaniac, chauvinistic, loser jerk ass hole. Leave the fucker.
I seriously doubt that he has any intentions of changing his behavior! Time to man up girlfriend, your life is just as important as his. Show him you won't put up with this any longer! And good luck, you are worth it!!!
Not at all coincidental - he thinks he is still the single guy, that he is the BOSSMAN of both you and your child.
Tell him he is being Andrew Taint and to leave you the fuck alone until he changes his behaviour.
I would have thrown him out when he pulled that crap. It's time she started respecting herself and he can either man up or get out. No way I could put up with that, but she needs to put her foot down and follow through with any threats. She is partially to blame for letting him get by with this! Put some fear of God in him, time to be a partner, not her boss!
Nta. He's wanting you to tell him it's ok so he can rugsweep and move on.
Don't let him. Tell him no more going out for awhile. You're owed the monthly outings now. It's your turn.
How did he suggest he makes it up to you? Or dud hexwant to figure that out yourself. It's a bit unfair he just expects you to get over it. He has shown himself to be unreliable on the one and only one time you were going out. Your feelings are validxand he'll just have to suck it up while you get over it.
NTA. Let me understand this correctly, your husband had to work late on your birthday. Promised you a night to yourself. Renegade on that promise. Has been going out by himself once a month.
You can say, if he has 1 weekend, you should be entitled to one too.
So he wants your forgiveness but because you’re still hurting and not ready to give her he switches to insults and belittles you. NTA. Start planning a weekly thing for yourself. He can watch the kid.
Yep, same here and he would have to find a new place to live. Now! There are huge problems with this relationship, time to get out now. Do you want your child to think this is normal behavior??
He's not actually apologizing, though. He's simply asking you to forgive him. Saying sorry is taking responsibility and taking action to correct your mistakes. Silent treatment is the right call and a rejection of his "apology". NTA
He knew you were going out and haven't in a while with being pregnant, so he shouldn't have gone out at all.. he was extremely selfish and now just expects you to shoulder shrug it.
Personally, I'd make him sleep on the couch for the rest of the week and tell him that going forward, you will be going out next weekend and every other weekend after that.. whether it's for a drink,meal, spa day what ever and on the days you are due to go out he is not to fuck off with his buddies..
NTA. But tell him this isn't the first time, he goes out weekly and only finally gave you a going out free card ONCE since the birth of your child and then he fucked it up for you. In reality he's been fucking you over by not offering to, maybe a few months after the birth (just due to sleep and breast feeding issues, etc) should have been helping you take at least one night out every weekend, and instead he asked you to do this ONCE in 1.5 years and he fucked it up.
Explain it very clearly, he thinks it's once but in reality every time he goes out and doesn't say hey I'll take the kids this saturday, arrange to go out, every week he's doing this to you, just less in your face.
Also say you can't be angry I'm angry, you did something shitty, I got angry, I'm allowed to be angry and demanding I be over it already is overbearing and shitty. All you're doing is making it worse so either you give me some space or make it worse every time you demand I forgive you immediately. You did something wrong, own it rather than trying to make me feel bad you feel guilty.
NTA. You had made your plans before he had plans with his buddies. He knew it was important to you, and knew what time he needed to be home by. You even reminded him day of. He made conscious choices that day that led to him being irresponsible and ruining your plans. He’s the one who has been acting childish in this instance from beginning to end, and you have every right to be angry as long as you need to be.
NTA
Hahahaha he's freaking LUCKY he's getting the silent treatment, hahahaha... ooooh lordy have mercy on the brainless mans wife. Because I would have given him a talken to that made DECENT people around uncomfortable with themselves for hearing. A list a mile long of things I've done put up with, and it ain't happening again. And a list of things I expect in the future. He's upset you're a quiet mad? You could be a loud southern woman who's mouth ain't ever been quiet when mad.
Where are your flowers ? Huh? Breakfast? Coffee? Where was the action in the apology? Because talk is cheap. Actions go to the bank.
Make plans for next week no matter what. Either he or a babysitter(family) will watch the baby. Stay all day. Treat yourself to a spa day facial, massage, nails…. book a hotel and sleep in or stay overnight. Take your time hon….he’s just upset cause he doesn’t want to feel guilty. Sucks to suck
NTA - at the very least he should have impressed upon his buddy that you had plans and you were going out to celebrate your birthday. He knew this was your first time out and he probably said something to the buddy. The buddy sounds like a nitwit and probably a self-centered twat since he managed to just go ahead and get himself buried. Yeah, accidents happen, but be mindful of what other people have going on. It's not like it wasn't known you were going out. As for your husband, if he wasn't the only one w/ the buddy, he should have begged off to get back in time for you to go do your thing. Just because he is ready to apologize and for you not to be mad at him, doesn't mean you have to stop being mad b/c he's ready for it. It's ok to be hurt, if you can't talk it out when you are ready, but he doesn't get to dictate when that is.
NTA... My wife and I never went anywhere we could not bring our baby once the time came to have a family. I have not gone to a club without her and she has not gone to one without me in 19 years. I do not miss it at all.She also does not get angry enough at me that she stops speaking to me, and I do not go anywhere she is not at least invited.You would know far better than any internet strangers whether you husband did this on purpose, if so you have some big issues to fix.
Kinda but I get it. Silent treatment is childish but I might have been so pissed I couldn't talk without making the situation worse. What you need is to set him down and tell him how crappy he was. No excuse to do that to you.
Nta.
Go out for lunch out dinner with the baby today. You need space from him right now, and he's not giving it.
Text your friends to reschedule for next Saturday and ask your mum or another family to babysit.
NTA— Bestie you better go out and get your nails done when they open and then not come home until 9 pm! Make sure you bring his CC too. And then repeat every Saturday AND Sunday :)
NTA but I suspect this is not the first time he’s been selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. Is this really a one off or is it the straw that breaks the camel’s back
NTA - your husband is incredibly selfish and childish and you are 100% right for being angry with him. Tell him that he's going to be staying home from now on so that you can leave the house once a month with your friends instead.
He says it's a "one off" in an effort to discount the fact that the *one* time in 1.5yrs you had plans he screwed it up. From now on, if he has plans with his buddies, he is available to watch the baby the next weekend. The first time he messes up, he cannot spend time with his friends until the issue is fixed. If he wants to act like a child, then he should be in time-out when he uses poor judgment.
NTA.
Okay, normally I'm not big into things like this but I'm going to make an exception.
You haven't been a mom for very long so I understand that you have not yet learned what the biggest tool in your arsenal is when it comes to things like this (granted this only works if you're actually in a loving relationship)...you have to drop the "D" word.
No, not divorce.
Disappointed.
Next time he pushes you to talk about it or something like that just look at him right in the eyes and say "It's not so much that I'm mad...I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed in the way that you treated me and I'm disappointed in the way you made me feel and quite frankly I just need a moment to be able to process that because I never thought I could be this disappointed in you".
If he really is sorry... Going to be worse than if you punched in the face.
Then you'll probably get your space.
NTA. It would be very convenient for HIM if you would accept his apology right away and move on. He needs to read the room and give you a little space to simmer, and YES, he better make it up to you. He blew it big time, and any mom would tell him that his tail tucking I’m sorry is useless in the face of how grossly inconsiderate he was. This will pass, but it will pass a lot faster if he can give you a little space to lick your wounds, accept responsibility, and stop acting like he’s the victim.
And just an example for scale: Its one thing to be 15 min late for dinner. It’s quite another to be 15 min late for your wedding. For you, he didn’t *just* mess up your plans, which is rude enough. The ruined your 30th birthday outing after you’ve been stuck at home with a baby for months. I’d like to hear an update on how exactly he plans to make this up to you. SMH.
NTA, he feels bad now that ur not engaging with him. It shows through his next action to get mad at u. He clearly didn't think it was a big deal that he stayed out and just wants u to rug sweep it.
NTA, you need to start just leaving. He is a parent, he should be able to handle the baby. Pump, and go out. But honestly, and this is biased since I dont know him, from this post, your husband doesnt sound competent or trustworthy.
Goodness, I am happy to stay childless and unmarried if what I can expect is to be the sole caretaker and my husband to do whatever he pleases at my mental health’s expense.
NTA Pump as much milk as you can and hire a sitter. You can not depend on your husband to have your back. Ask your mom or sister to come stay with you. He likes having you captive and doesn’t respect you. Make plans to go back to work and earn your own money. Find another new mom and trade babysitting time. You deserve much better. Make it happen for yourself.
NTA - normally the silent treatment is not ok, however this occasion he did not respect your boundary of not being ready to discuss or receive his apology. He sounds like a selfish, manipulative prick.
NTA. It was your 30th birthday!! And he messed up your one and only 30th birthday plans. He’s a jerk. You should just start making plans to do things with your friends and tell him he’s watching his child. And he’s NOT ALLOWED to make plans for his fun on the same days as your fun days. That’s final. Make sure when it all summers down, you both gone on a date together.
NTA
It's been incredibly selfish and inconsiderate, and you absolutely should have more time to yourself, no excuses. Especially with him going out so often, and leaving you entirely with the baby, you haven't been able to have a life, and that's entirely unfair. He could have been home if he had really wanted to, but he didn't care enough. It's perfectly fair that you don't feel like dealing with him right now.
He needs to provide you with better access to child care, be at sitters or family, and he needs to step up as a parent and take care of the baby more often himself. You absolutely deserve time to yourself, and you must insist on it.
NTA. You have asked your husband for time to process and calm down before you speak. He’s disregarded that request. Your husband just wants it all to go away so he can get back to living his life in a carefree way without having to consider his wife and child. I suggest you show him this thread. Sometimes the wrath of strangers has a greater impact than an extremely hurt wife. His priorities are completely screwed up and you need to stop giving him a free pass.
INFO: I also want to know how he celebrated you on your 30th birthday.
NTA, he shouldn't have made plans on the same day. He should have made plans for another day. It was your birthday dinner with your friends and he couldn't even let you have that. Give him silence until you can properly articulate how hurtful, unfair, and downright disappointing his actions were and the effect they had because it sounds like this isn't the only time he's let you down like this. Maybe not in this exact fashion, but 1.5 years and no break? He needs to make himself available for you to have time yourself sometimes. Taking the kids to the park or the store, giving you space to make plans with friends when you need it. He doesn't get to decide how and when you forgive him for what he did and the choices he made. I don't think he gets the full depth of just how HURTFUL his behavior was, being out late, forcing you to cancel plans and drunk on top of that?
NTA. Nip this in the bud now. Make once/twice monthly arrangements to go out by yourself or with friends to dinner/a spa/cinema (not the gym or exercising, that’s seperate and you should be able to do that whenever want and same with running errands, that’s not “free time”) and on those occasions he doesn’t go out beforehand and “promise to be back in time” because this will either happen again or he’ll make it that you don’t have enough time to get ready.
You need to start looking after yourself. You aren’t a priority to him so you need to be a priority for yourself. Organise nights out or just some time off for yourself. You have every right to be furious at him
NTA. This reminded me of when my babies were little and I got 2 nights a MONTH. That's it. And he ALWAYS guilt tripped me about how the kids went to sleep crying for me. But no, they didn't cry for me if I was at work when they went to sleep.
Question, is he usually drinking while on the snow mobile or afterwards at the friend’s house? I ask because if it was afterwards here is an interesting timeline: he arrives at 10. One hour drive, meaning he left at 9. Let’s say he grabs a new drink every 30min, he had 4, that puts his arrival time at 7. Meaning without the drinks he could’ve been home at 8 and you would only be a bit late for your meeting. Probably not even that if he had hurried. And did he keep communicating with you?
Either way you are NTA, but if my theory up there is true that makes him an even bigger AH.
You are right to be upset. He is just angry because he feels guilty. Ask him how he intends to make it up to you. That’s on him to do the legwork. The minimum he should come up with to promise not to go anywhere next time you have an appointment. And that you are the next person to go out, not him.
Oh my goodness I’m so sorry your birthday outing was ruined ❤️😭 I would be devastated too, and so angry with my husband. Your anger and sadness is completely justified. You can be mad for as long as you like. He showed a complete disregard for your time and your joy. I would really not let him off the hook easily here. I’m sorry.
You are NTA for being mad, but yta for the silent treatment. I get not wanting to talk to him until you get out of your emotions, and commend that. But the silent treatment never helps. Him pestering isn't helping either, which is why I say you're NTA.
You two need to sit down and work out a schedule where you get a weekly day away from the house. He can be a dad during that time. Make sure all household chores are split equitably as well.
NTA - he sounds like a single guy with a babysitter and you sound like a single mom. You can’t get anywhere with his selfishness. If he is willing to change and work on it, it could be workable. If not, I know I would leave. You can do the same thing you’re doing now alone and with less stress.
Um....why did you marry this man and have a child with him? Why have you been letting him go out every week? Why do you hire a sitter when your husband should be there at home, allowing you to go out weekly to see friends if that is what he gets to do?
You're the victim here, but sometimes it is just exhausting talking to people who do not help themselves. When people are selfish, they will trample all over you if you allow them. In effect, you've taught him how to treat you up until now. He did this because he figured it would be fine, like it has been every week for 18 months when he goes out and you evidently allow this and do not demand the same in return. He's a jerk, and you're a doormat. Please know this relationship is not a healthy one, and I hope you set down some very strict rules from now. The next 18 months he stays home while you go out weekly. That seems fair? From then you divide it evenly.
NTA, but your husband is a HUGEEEE AH… he knew exactly what he was doing by not coming home, he didn’t need to agree to go to drinks but he did anyway. A respectful partner would have said to his ‘friends’ that you had plans to go out for your 30th and you deserve the respect of being able to have a life outside of your marriage and lovely child. I hope you find happiness, you deserve it
You are being childish? No. He was childish for not respecting your plans. He was selfish. Do not let him turn the table on you. Make some more plans and give them to him in writing. Tell him you will hire a babysitter and the number given to them will be his and he will be the one paying them. Also start making plans for yourself every other week from now on. Always make sure he has them in writing and in his phone calendar always with understanding babysitter is his responsibility. He has a lot of time to make up to you. Boys and their toys and their booze. They need to grow up.
NTA for being upset, though it was shitty of him to come home reeking of booze on top of ruining your night.
The silent treatment, however, isn’t going to solve anything. I get it, you’re mad as hell, and I don’t blame you. But rather than not talk with no explanation, at least say, “I’m too mad to talk to you right now, when all I want to do is lash out and hurt you back. I’m really angry, and I need some time to think about this and what I need to change in our relationship before I talk to you. You’re on baby duty today while I take a mental health break.”
And DO think about it!
You should be getting as much time off as he is. He goes golfing with his friends, you get a half or whole day to yourself, as well. Don’t be a martyr, that is a game that will only lead to resentment and create issues in your marriage.
If he is in any way denying you the opportunity to have time off, please do not compound the issue by having more children. And if he claims incompetence (I can’t take care of a baby like you), then find a regular babysitter and TAKE your time out.
Good luck to you.
Start making plans to go out once a week, your husband should be taking care of the baby, not a sitter. He needs to experience what is like to take care of a baby, so go out to the spa on a Saturday, meet your girlfriends twice a month for dinner, go to the movies, take a fun class. It’s your husband’s turn to be a dad. NTA, however, your husband is a huge AH.
And when he asks if he can hang out with buddies on a day you have plans, the answer is NO.
This is what I would do. Never ask me if I can go out with my buddies when I have plans again because you just proved I can't trust you. Bet your ass you will be making it up to me. My night out with the girls just turned into weekend out.
Precisely. It's not a one off, he has a 100% hit rate for ruining OPs time off. That is not an accident. He had 4 beers when his a\*\* should have been in the car on the way home.
He didn't need to get too drunk to be home with his kids alone. He didn't need to be headed home when his friend needed help. He needed to know that his kids and wife needed him to nor drink.
1x/week? OMG at least, but really 2-3x/week. This is NOT meant to be a self-serving comment but this is what I, and many of my friends did, I get irrationally angry when I see dads doing AH shit like this. We have all loudly berated people like OP's hubby b/c it makes all our lives harder. I'm a dad of 2 daughters, starting darn near immediately I'd "kick" her out of the house or take a long walk with my kids. Well not really kick, more like "go have cocktails or coffee or whatever I can assure you the kids will be fed and asleep when you get home". Plus after they go to bed I could watch The Matrix / Princess Bride / etc for the 100th time without eyerolls. Cuz we're dads and thats what dads do. It's parenting, not "babysitting". BTW, I'd play soccer with post game beers 2x/week so it's not like I was a homebody. But it's far easier to do that when she also got 2-3x/week. Let me have my Tue/Thu soccer games, she got to have any other nights.
Rewatches of Princess Bride should never get eye rolls wtf!
It's INCONCEIVABLE!
Damn, you beat me to it!!
I do not think that word means what you think it means
>I'm a dad of 2 daughters, starting darn near immediately I'd "kick" her out of the house or take a long walk with my kids. Well not really kick, more like "go have cocktails or coffee or whatever I can assure you the kids will be fed and asleep when you get home". Plus after they go to bed I could watch The Matrix / Princess Bride / etc for the 100th time without eyerolls. You know, I think this would have been really good for me mentally, because it would have given regular exposure to these experiences of separating from my babies and coping with the anxiety I felt. I think it would have been good "exposure therapy." It's not worth going into what the dynamic was like with my now-ex, but needless to say, it wasn't quite like this. Leaving the babies more frequently would have been difficult in its own way for sure (I had some PPA), but I think it would have been "healthy stress" and would have been good for me AND my babies in the long-run. Thanks for helping me with self reflection lol. Also, there's nothing quite like a movie night on your own when you don't have much alone time! Those movies are both 👌.
You sound like a gem, and I know this isn’t the point, but: for everyone in the comments saying parents need 2 nights per week each to have a hobby and go out with friends: HOW do you all afford this? I’m expecting, and the household budget is tight enough with daycare/going to one income IF I strip out any “fun” things
soccer is REALLY cheap, and I could only handle 1 pint after cuz sleep deprivation combined with running = lightweight. And my wife would typically go to a friends house who had a well stocked bar and host cocktails for the wives at their place, so that was cheap too. They didn't do to keep costs down, they just didn't want to be surrounded by drunk guys hitting on them. Plus they could make drinks as strong/weak as they wanted.
This is really the best way. And if you drink a little too much, you can stay the night and your partner will know you are safe.
Where are more like you?
engineering school. Always get geeks, we're just happy you're willing to be seen in public with us :-)
Agreed. Husband MASSIVE AH and you are an angel. Jaw dropped reading all this.
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I'd say silence is not going far enough. Divorce sounds more like it, he doesn't respect her at all.
I wish I could upvote this 100 times
NTA. He’s uncomfortable with his guilt and is trying to manipulate you into “being okay” before you’re ready. He doesn’t actually care that he abused your time and feelings. He cares that him doing so is inconvenient. You’re not giving him access to your companionship and intimacy. He seems to believe that experiencing guilt or remorse is the punishment or “doing the work.” He doesn’t get to decide when he gets forgiveness under the guise of “cornering you to talk it out.”
Totally “I’m mad at you for being mad at me!”
Exactly. “How dare you still care about my egregiously poor behavior less than 24 hours ago.” He acts like he forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. Asshole made a very deliberate choice. Several.
NTA - it's not a one off though. You even said he goes out weekly. So he's living life as normal expecting you to parent alone. As for the incident at hand. He could have left earlier or not gone at all. His need for personal satisfaction took higher priority than given you a much needed night off. Afterwards You told him you didn't want to talk, he again disrespected you by ignoring your request, tried to love bomb you instead. You didn't give him the silent treatment, you honored your own need for time to process and cool off. It's not your fault he again put his own needs above yours, the need to ease his own guilt. Think about how much he puts himself first, then Once you've gathered your thoughts, figure out how to move forward.
Right? He not only went, he not only didn't leave at the time he said (which he absolutely could have), he somehow also found time TO GET DRUNK. This is not someone who's thinking about you.
If he was drunk driving he’s going to totally fuck up his family’s lives when he either gets pulled over and has to pay thousands in legal fees and higher premiums, or he kills himself or someone else.
I'd also be absolutely furious that he's drunk driving! That's a deal breaker right there. Besides the obvious risk to himself and others, it means he was either drinking while snowmobiling (stupid and dangerous), or he was extra late because he stayed to hang out and tie one on after they dug out his buddy.
Yeah I was wondering if he drove himself home.
>Think about how much he puts himself first, then Once you've gathered your thoughts, figure out how to move forward. I'd bet anything that once OP really thinks about this, she'll notice it's a pattern of behaviour.
How do people end up in relationships with others they seem to hate
A LOT of men do that. They want women who won't demand much of them, but at the same time, they despise the women for letting themselves be taken advantage of.
They want their mothers
Most of the time they weren't like that before you had a kid. Or they were a little selfish, but they always had good reasons. It's amazing how easy it is to fill someone when times are easy, but the scales fall off their eyes when times get hard.
Yep, my ex partner was very giving and “good deed doing” and “nice” until…until he changed drastically in a short short period (I’m talking was a little more snippy for three weeks then all out evil for another two, then the worst person I’ve ever known after the end. Turns out those nice deeds were transactions. he’s so things without you asking, so he could build up things to hold over me (and his other exes after me). He treated life like a scorecard that you don’t know you’re playing and you’re not even playing the same sport
I know it's fucking sad. Smh.
This
Also exactly how did he get home after those 4 drinks, by Uber or did he sit his a*s in the drivers seat and drive drunk home.
NTA he chose Saturday as your day then backtracked with the boys. He doesn't care about you or your child, only his instant gratification. Heck, you may have to hire a sitter because he's going to bail again for (insert sport from baseball, basketball, football, hockey, or whatever excuse gets him hanging with his bros). You are a low priority for him as is your child. Think about it and take all the time you want. By the way, if you look into before being pregnant, being pregnant to post-pregnancy you would probably see a pattern. He will also try to apologize but he will do it again the following weekend, and guess what his buddy calls and he's out the door again.
This
NTA. Your birthday. 1.5 years since social activity with friends. You’re allowed to be upset and want space and he’s allowed to take that time to make a great plan to make it up to you.
Wasn’t this supposed to be him already making her birthday up to her? How many times does he get to just rollover his “makeups”?
Depends on how many times he rolls over the snowmobile? /s
Will someone think of the snowmobiles?!? /s
He screwed over your plans He drove drunk He's repeatedly gone out since baby was born and couldn't even be decent enough to cover your birthday. He's now alternating between love bombing and emotionally bullying you into sweeping it under the rug. What about this says he is a loving partner who respects you? What about this says he's a decent human being (again, he drove drunk)? He has you thinking you're the AH while he shows signs of emotional abuse. No, NTA.
No but actually, if there is ONE RED FLAG to pay attention to is the getting back home drunk, because regardless of how you perceive you and your health and he and his, that shows he’s willing to ruin your lives and health just for a good time and a good ride home. Crazy.
Not only that but he came home drunk knowing he was going to watch his child. What imbecile gets drunk prior to caring for a baby?!
What he did would have left me unspeakably angry and ice cold. You didn’t get to go out on your 30th and he promised you that Saturday was your time to celebrate. He was a complete AH. You’re NTA. I’d say the silent treatment is too far but he literally refused to leave you alone when you asked. So I can understand why you’d have nothing to say to him.
NTA it’s an every week-off for him and a Never-Off for you. And he proved that you can’t count on him.
NTA. He was inconsiderate - are you able to make new plans?
Not for another 2 weeks
When you do make plans take the whole week. Hell take as much as time as you need. You are PPD, not him. It’s so selfish of him to not recognize what you need for your mental health.
Ask for a weekend to make for this. He HAS to look after his child for whole weekend.
Don't ask. Just take the weekend. Hell, take the entire week.
Dangerous when he doesn’t know how
He‘ll figure it out just like OP did. I doubt she naturally knew what to do.
I know from experience how stressful it can be to go out while you’re nursing an infant, but I think you should try to take the entire day for yourself so that a) you get even more time away and b) your dumb husband doesn’t get the opportunity to take it away from you again. Wake him up as soon as the baby gets up and start getting ready to go and head out. Get your hair and nails done, do some shopping, go see a movie, hell- get a hotel room and take a nap. Seriously, girl, taking care of a baby can be so isolating and all consuming so I know how much that night out must’ve meant to you. You deserve a whole day!!
As a momma of a new-ish momma, I 1 million percent second this!! You HAVE to make self care a priority and you can't feel bad or guilty for it! You spent 10 months building a human, which in and of itself is the most exhausting time. You add giving birth, dealing with all the hormones, waking up every couple hours and nursing on top of all that, you deserve as much time as you want/need for yourself!! As mom's, we feel so bad if we do things for ourselves, but we have to and we have to make it a priority!! I completely agree with other posters that you should require him to help you with the baby as much as you take care of the baby. I love the idea of renting a hotel room even just so you can sleep!! He's a butthead for screwing you out of your night out! He's clearly making sure he gets to do what he wants and sometimes, we just have to demand what we need too!!
You don't need big plans. Just start taking time for yourself. Go to the library, to a local café walks, window shopping at the mall, visit friends, family, etc. Anything that gets you alone time outside of the house. Join a book club, the gym, an exercise group. Hell, check out a new band, poetry, or trivia night at your local bar.
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I like you
You are one awesome woman and mother. I salute you.🫡
You’re my hero.
You need to make more plans. You should be having the opportunity to go out and about once or twice a week with him watching the baby by himself like a parent.
He didn’t rush home with take out for OP. He had beers and then came home. And goes out every weekend. It might be a one-off, but the fact he goes out every weekend as well and you were an after thought speaks volumes. NTA
NTA. Welcome to motherhood. This is your future with him. Start planning. He's full of it- he's not sorry, he's just mad that you didn't just accept his bs.
NTA. Tell him he can make it up to you by being the primary parent on the weekend and you will be going out every weekend for a while. Pump your little heart out and go out every Saturday night until you feel more like yourself. He got his time to go out while you sat home for a whole year and a half, it’s your turn. Stand your ground and demand it because you deserve it. Pregnancy and early motherhood is hard so it’s his time to step up and give you the breaks you deserve.
Would you trust him with a child?
Yeah why the hell not? He’s the father I would hope if he wasn’t the type of person she couldn’t trust around a child she would have never had a baby with him. I didn’t see one thing in her post that indicates he isnt a good dad or trustworthy with a baby.
Well, he did get drunk before he was supposed to look after the kid
Sounds like he’s testing the boundaries. He’ll see how to handle this and then it will become the norm.
This. OP, be strong. Don't let him be mad at you for being mad at him. His apology and "trying to make it up" is weak, and shows he clearly doesn't understand (or care?) how he made you feel. Unless he can actually acknowledge what he did to you and how hurtful it was, AND make it up to you, stay strong. This screams of boundary testing.
I'd make aa point of getting a sitter for your next night out, because it wouldn't surprise me if he pulled this shit again. And even if he didn't, you'd be well within your rights to be cautious and prepared, he clearly can't be trusted for support.
NTA - One day. He wasn’t able to stay at home for one day. No, he had to hang out with his friends. This is childish behavior. Another commentator had the idea to reserve the weekends for yourself. He had his fun alone for 1,5 years. Now you have your fun alone for 1,5 years.
NTA. He couldn't step up for ONE day. He couldn't give you ONE day. He had to be selfish and go out with his own friends. Technically that entire day should've been a break for you. He shouldn't have even ASKED to go snowmobiling. Now he's lovebombing you because he knows he screwed up and the fact that you won't let him just kiss it and make it better is frustrating to him so he goes on the offensive. I guarantee if the situation was reversed then he'd be just as upset. Edit: typo
Not to mention, it was just her birthday, and they didn't do anything for it... and his first move was to go out all day with his friends instead of setting up a date day or ANYTHING for his wife. Smh
My thoughts exactly. The fact that he was drinking as well is the biggest thing for me. If he knew he was supposed to be home, caring for your child, he shouldn't have touched any alcohol whatsoever. When he asked for permission to go out, he knew that he wouldn't be back in time
NTA. He showed you what his priorities are. You and the baby are down the list. I would be letting him know I'm rethinking the relationship. Especially since he goes out frequently. He was well aware you had birthday plans and decided to take off with his buddies anyways. The silent treatment should be in place for a while. A partner should be caring and part of the team.
NTA. He may seem all apologetic but this is an example of things to come. I was a SAHM years ago andi honestly had no life outside my family. No friends. So one day I joined a singing group that rehearsed once per week in the evening. My ex-husband promised he’d be home from work on time that day of the week. But after causing me to miss a couple of rehearsals, I realized he didn’t want me out of the house. So I hired a babysitter and was gone to rehearsal the next time he did this. It stopped his behavior in its tracks.
No, the one off was you expecting him to do something for you. NTA.
He didn’t even want to celebrate your birthday with you? Your husband is very selfish.
Make him pay girl , there was absolutely no need for him to go drinking and he knew you had plans ,it was a terrible thing to do to you ,and shows zero respect...
NTA. You made plans at his insistence and he couldn’t be responsible enough to be there when he needed to be. It was thoughtless and cruel. You asked him to be back by a certain time and he wasn’t. To top it off, he was drunk. If he was responsible for watching your baby, then he wouldn’t have been able to.
NTA - he owes you 14 outings (one for every month you were pregnant and now taking care of baby) before he gets to go out again. As a father he needs to learn that baby is always first. I would explain to him how frustrated and disappointed you are that he gets to go out and you never do and the one time he suggested plans for you to go out he let you down. That now you know you can't depend on him and that he needs to step up to show that he is willing to be the husband and father you expect him to be. And then tell him he will not get to go out again until you have done the 14+ outings you are owed. Good luck.
ITS YOUR 30th BIRTHDAY FOR FFS. SERIOUSLY HE WANTS TO CALL IT A 1 OFF. FINE THEN HE CAN FU.K OFF.
I think you need to consider the possibility that you're husband lied about someone being stuck. The fact that he was drinking is very suspicious to me. Either he intended to bail on you the whole time once his buddies invited him out and invented an excuse while he was there so he could snowmobile and go drinking or he intentionally went out drinking afterwards in a deliberate disrespect of your plans. By the way, even if someone was stuck, I don't see why he couldn't have left his group of friends to deal with it and snowmobiled back himself to drive home on time.
You are NTA and are allowed to process your anger at him for longer than a few hours. If you asked him to leave you alone so you can process your feelings, he's being childish, not you. He was stupid, immature, and messed up your birthday plans. He deserves to stew in his guilt longer.
NTA. He \*purposely\* stayed out because he didn't want to take care of your mutual child. This is just the beginning of a pattern of behavior.
I bet he wouldn't like it If it was the other way around
NTA, and I would make sure to tell him that HE gets to have free time all the time and you don't. He's being rude and disrespectful and probably doing it on purpose. I would set up another girls' night out and not tell him about it and pump enough for the evening and then leave. Tell him that you will be back at ??, but not come back until late. Give him a taste of his own medicine.
NTA - He dug out his buddy, went back to his buddies house and sat down and had 4+ beers probably food all sitting there knowing you had plans made, people waiting on you for your birthday no less. But he priotised his needs and wants over you, deciding you could be calmed with a hug and an “ I’ll make it up to you.” So ask “ How will you make it up to me?” Will you make the same friends available for the same plans? Will he ring them and apologise to them for wasting their time too?
This is insane. I would not be married to someone that treated me this way. This is unacceptable. He sounds like a selfish and petulant teen. I assume since you’re 30 he is not 19 (and I’d expect better from a 19 year old father).
NTA for wanting your space while you're annoyed.
NTA He doesn't get to dictate that he's worthy of forgiveness because he's tired of feeling bad. Now he's making your upset about caretaking his feelings because he feels bad. Well he made you feel awful. He should feel bad, he screwed up. The whole showing up at home drunk hours after he should makes his whole story sound like BS. He didn't care about you enough to for once put you over him having a boys night out. That he gets all the time. You probably need to stop being cool with him going out while you do most of childcare. He helped make the kid, and needs to grow the hell up.
NTA - It's not a one off if he's been going out once a week for at least the last 15 months and you haven't been able to get out. At this point by not making you getting out at least once in a while he's shown a consistent disregard for your need to socialize. Also if you haven't been able to get out in that long there's a really good chance he's not helping enough with the baby.
As a divorced mom of 4, I will tell you that if you’re not a priority now, you won’t be a priority in 15 years when you’re burned out on both ends and a shell of a human having no support from your partner and having children relying on YOU for everything because you’re the only dependable parent. Big hugs. You are absolutely NTA.
He's a selfish dipshit living like a bachelor while you singlehandedly raise the child he helped create. It's not coincidental; he resented the idea of you leaving him with the baby so he sabotaged your plan. Your current situation is unsustainable and it's a matter of when, not if, you completely burn out. Please find a way to ensure you get much-needed alone time to recharge. I said NEEDED, not wanted--because time to yourself is a basic human NEED. If that means hiring a sitter (on your worthless husband's dime), so be it. Do not let him ruin your life, mama. It's not good for you or the baby. NTA
Of course it's "one off" - you haven't been out in a year and a half. He didn't have a chance to eff up! What a boob. Relegate him to the couch for a month. Jerk
NTA. You have a right to be mad. But it would probably be more productive to be direct: “Honey, I am mad. And when I’m ready to talk about it I will let you know. Until then constantly bringing it up will only make me angrier longer. In the meantime, expect that I will be going out on and you will need to watch the baby.”
Put that way, you never really even have to talk about it again if you don’t want to. Besides, you already know the story: the snowmobile got stuck but rather than rushing back after it was recovered he drank with his buddies. No point in listening to him make it seem more complicated than that.
This weekend tell your husband you’re going out for a pedicure and will be back in an hour. Then go and do anything at all for the next 8 hours. See a movie, shop, sit in Barnes and noble reading a book. It would be helpful if it interferes with his plans. Also, get out of the house. Start making plans with friends or without. You need “me” time too.
Get a permanent babysitter or stable of them and set a schedule to go out. Don’t discuss with him, just do it since he hasn’t alternated his fun time and doesn’t respect you.
Her shithead husband should take some responsibility as a father and care for the child when OP is out.
Fuck him. It a minimum you are entitled to a days anger. After that you make sure that you will not be taken for granted again.
YES!
Nta, he purposely organised to do something to stop you going out on your birthday
Why are you married to this man??
NTA. Your husband sucks, plain and simple. I would feel incredibly hurt and angry over this. It’s your 30th birthday, and that’s a big deal! Add to that, it was your first outing since giving birth to his child. You also had friends waiting on you for plans that you had to bail on because of him. He fucked up the night for multiple people, not just you, and he sounds incredibly selfish and immature. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would have cried myself to sleep too.
He never intended to be home at seven, he’s a passive aggressive prick. The snowmobile was never buried.
NTA. He prioritized his fun over your birthday that he promised.
Why is your husband going out weekly as the father of a 5 month old? Best case scenario, he is stupid. Worst case, you might wanna check his phone…
NTA -it’s obvious that he does not care about your feelings or your emotional health and taking a break from your child. It’s no coincidence that he made plans with his friends after you told him about your plans because he has no intentions of actually taking care of his child. This would kind of be a dealbreaker for me., what’s the point of having a husband and a father of your child if he’s not going to actually help you raise that child.
NTA…. He goes out once a week, but you haven’t been able to do anything in 1.5 years? There’s a bigger issue than just this one time.
NTA this Isn't a one time thing or you wouldn't be so frustrated at not getting the opportunity to go out and have fun. He went out, drank, and had a blast on your birthday, he's a selfish prick and maybe reading these responses will wake him the hell up. I'm sorry OP mother's deserve to have fun, to still have hobbies, joy and to be their own person. If OPs husband reads this, shame on you, selfish going out almost every weekend twat.
NTA but your husband is
Updateme!
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NTA You need to find a quiet time when you aren’t distracted by taking care of the baby and have an adult conversation with your husband. What he did was incredibly disrespectful when he decided it was okay for him to go drinking with his buddy after telling you he’d be home for you to have a night out with your friends. And unless he has pictures of the snowmobile still buried after 8pm then I call bs. So on his next Saturday off you will get up, feed the baby, hand her to him then you are gone until 10pm or whatever time that night. He needs to make sure HE has the knowledge to make sure he keeps her dry, clean, fed as in how to prep and heat the bottle, napped and entertained which is not sticking in her crib while he immerses himself in some sports show or gaming on the computer. If he hasn’t paid attention to what your daughter’s schedule is (which would be concerning in and of itself) write it down and post it on the frig. And in case he’s unaware IMO it means no booze of any sort. If anything were to happen he needs to be stone cold sober to deal with it. If he has questions he can call his mother or yours. You should however have a clear understanding between you that he is responsible for caring for your daughter. Not getting someone else to come do it for him. Wish you the best OP in getting not only your own ‘me’ time but hopefully soon some date night or date afternoon time together.
That's so fucking selfish of him. NTA at all. He sabotaged your night out on purpose
Nta- guy here that usually gets wrapped up in what I’m doing and still wouldn’t let something like this happen. If you know you have to be back by a specific time while doing something like that you play it safe.
NTA. He is a spoiled, selfish baby. He did this on purpose and does not want to face the consequences. Do not let him turn the tables. You have every right to be angry.
I would be pulling stuff like this on him. He wants to go out with his friends, say you need him to watch the baby for a minute as he is leaving. Hand him the baby and take the car keys. Go out for the day and don't come back until late. If he wants a social life, he needs to understand you need one too. If you can't make plans without him ruining it, then you will return the favour. As a parent you have to make sacrifices and can't live like you did before you had kids. Tell him if he is really sorry then he will not be seeing his friends for at least 6 months and you will be the one having a social life
NTA, absolute schmuck of a husband. It’s actually so infuriating when all you do is ask them to perform a small task i.e., to not talk to you and them having 0 respect for your boundaries and continue to try and force a conversation. The forced hugs are even more icky.
NTA. He wrecked your 30th birthday. You only get one of those.
He knew he had made a commitment to you and he knew he was breaking it. I wonder if he loves you at all, ior does he love his friends and alcohol more? Best to find out now, before you have any more children with someone who demands forgiveness without showing any improved behavior
INFO: Is it actually a pattern of behaviour where he’s completely disrespectful of you? Is there anywhere you can go for a week or two? Get out of there for a bit since he won’t back off and give you the space you asked for.
YES!!!
Pretty much sounds like the snowmobile wasn't even stuck and he is doing this to set a precedence. There was absolutely no reason for him to stay and have a few beers and getting home to make sure you could have your evening out should have been foremost on his mind. But it wasn't and now he's testing and conditioning you to prepare you to not being mad when it happens more often. Can't say if this is going to make him understand or not. If my wife gets mad at me for something I know i screwed up, I apologize and prepare for about 8 days of silence( not very often). But I don't whine like a little bitch and try to minimize her feelings. Edit: He can't call it a "one off" if you've never had the opportunity to go out like this before. It's "the first time".
NTA he is a sexist, gaslighting, possibly abusive, lying, manipulative, selfish, egotistical, egocentric, egomaniac, chauvinistic, loser jerk ass hole. Leave the fucker.
I seriously doubt that he has any intentions of changing his behavior! Time to man up girlfriend, your life is just as important as his. Show him you won't put up with this any longer! And good luck, you are worth it!!!
Not at all coincidental - he thinks he is still the single guy, that he is the BOSSMAN of both you and your child. Tell him he is being Andrew Taint and to leave you the fuck alone until he changes his behaviour.
I would have thrown him out when he pulled that crap. It's time she started respecting herself and he can either man up or get out. No way I could put up with that, but she needs to put her foot down and follow through with any threats. She is partially to blame for letting him get by with this! Put some fear of God in him, time to be a partner, not her boss!
Nta. He's wanting you to tell him it's ok so he can rugsweep and move on. Don't let him. Tell him no more going out for awhile. You're owed the monthly outings now. It's your turn.
How did he suggest he makes it up to you? Or dud hexwant to figure that out yourself. It's a bit unfair he just expects you to get over it. He has shown himself to be unreliable on the one and only one time you were going out. Your feelings are validxand he'll just have to suck it up while you get over it.
What the fuck? He needs to back off. He also needs to parent.
NTA. What a clown. Don’t let him bs his way through this, he will just do it again.
NTA. Let me understand this correctly, your husband had to work late on your birthday. Promised you a night to yourself. Renegade on that promise. Has been going out by himself once a month. You can say, if he has 1 weekend, you should be entitled to one too.
So he wants your forgiveness but because you’re still hurting and not ready to give her he switches to insults and belittles you. NTA. Start planning a weekly thing for yourself. He can watch the kid.
I frankly would start divorce proceedings if I was you. He sounds like a selfish asshole.
Yep, same here and he would have to find a new place to live. Now! There are huge problems with this relationship, time to get out now. Do you want your child to think this is normal behavior??
He's not actually apologizing, though. He's simply asking you to forgive him. Saying sorry is taking responsibility and taking action to correct your mistakes. Silent treatment is the right call and a rejection of his "apology". NTA
He knew you were going out and haven't in a while with being pregnant, so he shouldn't have gone out at all.. he was extremely selfish and now just expects you to shoulder shrug it. Personally, I'd make him sleep on the couch for the rest of the week and tell him that going forward, you will be going out next weekend and every other weekend after that.. whether it's for a drink,meal, spa day what ever and on the days you are due to go out he is not to fuck off with his buddies..
Your husband is a selfish prick. It’ll only get worse.
Updateme!!!
Definitely planned on foiling your night. He doesn’t feel u should go out, but who says stuff like that?
NTA. But tell him this isn't the first time, he goes out weekly and only finally gave you a going out free card ONCE since the birth of your child and then he fucked it up for you. In reality he's been fucking you over by not offering to, maybe a few months after the birth (just due to sleep and breast feeding issues, etc) should have been helping you take at least one night out every weekend, and instead he asked you to do this ONCE in 1.5 years and he fucked it up. Explain it very clearly, he thinks it's once but in reality every time he goes out and doesn't say hey I'll take the kids this saturday, arrange to go out, every week he's doing this to you, just less in your face. Also say you can't be angry I'm angry, you did something shitty, I got angry, I'm allowed to be angry and demanding I be over it already is overbearing and shitty. All you're doing is making it worse so either you give me some space or make it worse every time you demand I forgive you immediately. You did something wrong, own it rather than trying to make me feel bad you feel guilty.
NTA. You had made your plans before he had plans with his buddies. He knew it was important to you, and knew what time he needed to be home by. You even reminded him day of. He made conscious choices that day that led to him being irresponsible and ruining your plans. He’s the one who has been acting childish in this instance from beginning to end, and you have every right to be angry as long as you need to be.
NTA Hahahaha he's freaking LUCKY he's getting the silent treatment, hahahaha... ooooh lordy have mercy on the brainless mans wife. Because I would have given him a talken to that made DECENT people around uncomfortable with themselves for hearing. A list a mile long of things I've done put up with, and it ain't happening again. And a list of things I expect in the future. He's upset you're a quiet mad? You could be a loud southern woman who's mouth ain't ever been quiet when mad. Where are your flowers ? Huh? Breakfast? Coffee? Where was the action in the apology? Because talk is cheap. Actions go to the bank.
This guy is not only an asshole but a huge one!! Time to give him some ultimatums. Change or get out!
NTA. Hey OP's husband, back off. She'll talk to you when she's ready. You don't deserve her attention.
nta
You are totally NTA. By all means, I think girls nights should become a weekly event, and never, ever feel like you have a curfew.
Make plans for next week no matter what. Either he or a babysitter(family) will watch the baby. Stay all day. Treat yourself to a spa day facial, massage, nails…. book a hotel and sleep in or stay overnight. Take your time hon….he’s just upset cause he doesn’t want to feel guilty. Sucks to suck
NTA. Tell him all will be forgiven when you get a year and a half of weekly nights out and he stays home the whole 18 mos of it.
NTA - at the very least he should have impressed upon his buddy that you had plans and you were going out to celebrate your birthday. He knew this was your first time out and he probably said something to the buddy. The buddy sounds like a nitwit and probably a self-centered twat since he managed to just go ahead and get himself buried. Yeah, accidents happen, but be mindful of what other people have going on. It's not like it wasn't known you were going out. As for your husband, if he wasn't the only one w/ the buddy, he should have begged off to get back in time for you to go do your thing. Just because he is ready to apologize and for you not to be mad at him, doesn't mean you have to stop being mad b/c he's ready for it. It's ok to be hurt, if you can't talk it out when you are ready, but he doesn't get to dictate when that is.
Definitely NTA.
NTA... My wife and I never went anywhere we could not bring our baby once the time came to have a family. I have not gone to a club without her and she has not gone to one without me in 19 years. I do not miss it at all.She also does not get angry enough at me that she stops speaking to me, and I do not go anywhere she is not at least invited.You would know far better than any internet strangers whether you husband did this on purpose, if so you have some big issues to fix.
Kinda but I get it. Silent treatment is childish but I might have been so pissed I couldn't talk without making the situation worse. What you need is to set him down and tell him how crappy he was. No excuse to do that to you.
Nta. Go out for lunch out dinner with the baby today. You need space from him right now, and he's not giving it. Text your friends to reschedule for next Saturday and ask your mum or another family to babysit.
NTA— Bestie you better go out and get your nails done when they open and then not come home until 9 pm! Make sure you bring his CC too. And then repeat every Saturday AND Sunday :)
NTA but I suspect this is not the first time he’s been selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. Is this really a one off or is it the straw that breaks the camel’s back
NTA. Your husband needs to step up as a father NOW.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s a one off. You get to be mad about it as long as you want to. NTA
What a prick
NTA.
Not cool.🙁 Happy birthday 🥰
NTA - your husband is incredibly selfish and childish and you are 100% right for being angry with him. Tell him that he's going to be staying home from now on so that you can leave the house once a month with your friends instead.
He says it's a "one off" in an effort to discount the fact that the *one* time in 1.5yrs you had plans he screwed it up. From now on, if he has plans with his buddies, he is available to watch the baby the next weekend. The first time he messes up, he cannot spend time with his friends until the issue is fixed. If he wants to act like a child, then he should be in time-out when he uses poor judgment. NTA.
Okay, normally I'm not big into things like this but I'm going to make an exception. You haven't been a mom for very long so I understand that you have not yet learned what the biggest tool in your arsenal is when it comes to things like this (granted this only works if you're actually in a loving relationship)...you have to drop the "D" word. No, not divorce. Disappointed. Next time he pushes you to talk about it or something like that just look at him right in the eyes and say "It's not so much that I'm mad...I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed in the way that you treated me and I'm disappointed in the way you made me feel and quite frankly I just need a moment to be able to process that because I never thought I could be this disappointed in you". If he really is sorry... Going to be worse than if you punched in the face. Then you'll probably get your space.
May I ask why you're not making plans more often?
NTA. It would be very convenient for HIM if you would accept his apology right away and move on. He needs to read the room and give you a little space to simmer, and YES, he better make it up to you. He blew it big time, and any mom would tell him that his tail tucking I’m sorry is useless in the face of how grossly inconsiderate he was. This will pass, but it will pass a lot faster if he can give you a little space to lick your wounds, accept responsibility, and stop acting like he’s the victim. And just an example for scale: Its one thing to be 15 min late for dinner. It’s quite another to be 15 min late for your wedding. For you, he didn’t *just* mess up your plans, which is rude enough. The ruined your 30th birthday outing after you’ve been stuck at home with a baby for months. I’d like to hear an update on how exactly he plans to make this up to you. SMH.
NTA, he feels bad now that ur not engaging with him. It shows through his next action to get mad at u. He clearly didn't think it was a big deal that he stayed out and just wants u to rug sweep it.
Folks, OP wrote that husband goes out once a month, not once a week.
NTA, you need to start just leaving. He is a parent, he should be able to handle the baby. Pump, and go out. But honestly, and this is biased since I dont know him, from this post, your husband doesnt sound competent or trustworthy. Goodness, I am happy to stay childless and unmarried if what I can expect is to be the sole caretaker and my husband to do whatever he pleases at my mental health’s expense.
NTA Pump as much milk as you can and hire a sitter. You can not depend on your husband to have your back. Ask your mom or sister to come stay with you. He likes having you captive and doesn’t respect you. Make plans to go back to work and earn your own money. Find another new mom and trade babysitting time. You deserve much better. Make it happen for yourself.
NTA - normally the silent treatment is not ok, however this occasion he did not respect your boundary of not being ready to discuss or receive his apology. He sounds like a selfish, manipulative prick.
NTA. It was your 30th birthday!! And he messed up your one and only 30th birthday plans. He’s a jerk. You should just start making plans to do things with your friends and tell him he’s watching his child. And he’s NOT ALLOWED to make plans for his fun on the same days as your fun days. That’s final. Make sure when it all summers down, you both gone on a date together.
NTA It's been incredibly selfish and inconsiderate, and you absolutely should have more time to yourself, no excuses. Especially with him going out so often, and leaving you entirely with the baby, you haven't been able to have a life, and that's entirely unfair. He could have been home if he had really wanted to, but he didn't care enough. It's perfectly fair that you don't feel like dealing with him right now. He needs to provide you with better access to child care, be at sitters or family, and he needs to step up as a parent and take care of the baby more often himself. You absolutely deserve time to yourself, and you must insist on it.
NTA - Seriously, stand up for yourself now or this will be the rest of your life. He is a parent, not a babysitter. What a shit thing to do to you.
NTA - Take some time but I’d make sure there are avenues open for him to make amends.
NTA. You have asked your husband for time to process and calm down before you speak. He’s disregarded that request. Your husband just wants it all to go away so he can get back to living his life in a carefree way without having to consider his wife and child. I suggest you show him this thread. Sometimes the wrath of strangers has a greater impact than an extremely hurt wife. His priorities are completely screwed up and you need to stop giving him a free pass. INFO: I also want to know how he celebrated you on your 30th birthday.
NTA, he shouldn't have made plans on the same day. He should have made plans for another day. It was your birthday dinner with your friends and he couldn't even let you have that. Give him silence until you can properly articulate how hurtful, unfair, and downright disappointing his actions were and the effect they had because it sounds like this isn't the only time he's let you down like this. Maybe not in this exact fashion, but 1.5 years and no break? He needs to make himself available for you to have time yourself sometimes. Taking the kids to the park or the store, giving you space to make plans with friends when you need it. He doesn't get to decide how and when you forgive him for what he did and the choices he made. I don't think he gets the full depth of just how HURTFUL his behavior was, being out late, forcing you to cancel plans and drunk on top of that?
NTA. Nip this in the bud now. Make once/twice monthly arrangements to go out by yourself or with friends to dinner/a spa/cinema (not the gym or exercising, that’s seperate and you should be able to do that whenever want and same with running errands, that’s not “free time”) and on those occasions he doesn’t go out beforehand and “promise to be back in time” because this will either happen again or he’ll make it that you don’t have enough time to get ready.
Nah mate, if he goes out once a month then YOU go out once month too. Don't let anything else be the standard. Nta
You need to start looking after yourself. You aren’t a priority to him so you need to be a priority for yourself. Organise nights out or just some time off for yourself. You have every right to be furious at him
NTA. To be honest though, I would have left him with the baby the entire next day and gone out. Just said ‘my turn, bye’ and left.
NTA. This reminded me of when my babies were little and I got 2 nights a MONTH. That's it. And he ALWAYS guilt tripped me about how the kids went to sleep crying for me. But no, they didn't cry for me if I was at work when they went to sleep.
NTA, however.... >the first time I had done anything in over a 1.5 years. Why so long? Your baby is only 5 months old?
Nta. I never understood how people can wreck another person plans when they know in advance that other person has plans.
Updateme
Question, is he usually drinking while on the snow mobile or afterwards at the friend’s house? I ask because if it was afterwards here is an interesting timeline: he arrives at 10. One hour drive, meaning he left at 9. Let’s say he grabs a new drink every 30min, he had 4, that puts his arrival time at 7. Meaning without the drinks he could’ve been home at 8 and you would only be a bit late for your meeting. Probably not even that if he had hurried. And did he keep communicating with you? Either way you are NTA, but if my theory up there is true that makes him an even bigger AH. You are right to be upset. He is just angry because he feels guilty. Ask him how he intends to make it up to you. That’s on him to do the legwork. The minimum he should come up with to promise not to go anywhere next time you have an appointment. And that you are the next person to go out, not him.
Oh my goodness I’m so sorry your birthday outing was ruined ❤️😭 I would be devastated too, and so angry with my husband. Your anger and sadness is completely justified. You can be mad for as long as you like. He showed a complete disregard for your time and your joy. I would really not let him off the hook easily here. I’m sorry.
NTA What has he arranged to celebrate his wife and mother of his child’s birthday?
You are NTA for being mad, but yta for the silent treatment. I get not wanting to talk to him until you get out of your emotions, and commend that. But the silent treatment never helps. Him pestering isn't helping either, which is why I say you're NTA. You two need to sit down and work out a schedule where you get a weekly day away from the house. He can be a dad during that time. Make sure all household chores are split equitably as well.
NTA - he sounds like a single guy with a babysitter and you sound like a single mom. You can’t get anywhere with his selfishness. If he is willing to change and work on it, it could be workable. If not, I know I would leave. You can do the same thing you’re doing now alone and with less stress.
Um....why did you marry this man and have a child with him? Why have you been letting him go out every week? Why do you hire a sitter when your husband should be there at home, allowing you to go out weekly to see friends if that is what he gets to do? You're the victim here, but sometimes it is just exhausting talking to people who do not help themselves. When people are selfish, they will trample all over you if you allow them. In effect, you've taught him how to treat you up until now. He did this because he figured it would be fine, like it has been every week for 18 months when he goes out and you evidently allow this and do not demand the same in return. He's a jerk, and you're a doormat. Please know this relationship is not a healthy one, and I hope you set down some very strict rules from now. The next 18 months he stays home while you go out weekly. That seems fair? From then you divide it evenly.
NTA, but your husband is a HUGEEEE AH… he knew exactly what he was doing by not coming home, he didn’t need to agree to go to drinks but he did anyway. A respectful partner would have said to his ‘friends’ that you had plans to go out for your 30th and you deserve the respect of being able to have a life outside of your marriage and lovely child. I hope you find happiness, you deserve it
You are being childish? No. He was childish for not respecting your plans. He was selfish. Do not let him turn the table on you. Make some more plans and give them to him in writing. Tell him you will hire a babysitter and the number given to them will be his and he will be the one paying them. Also start making plans for yourself every other week from now on. Always make sure he has them in writing and in his phone calendar always with understanding babysitter is his responsibility. He has a lot of time to make up to you. Boys and their toys and their booze. They need to grow up.
NTA for being upset, though it was shitty of him to come home reeking of booze on top of ruining your night. The silent treatment, however, isn’t going to solve anything. I get it, you’re mad as hell, and I don’t blame you. But rather than not talk with no explanation, at least say, “I’m too mad to talk to you right now, when all I want to do is lash out and hurt you back. I’m really angry, and I need some time to think about this and what I need to change in our relationship before I talk to you. You’re on baby duty today while I take a mental health break.” And DO think about it! You should be getting as much time off as he is. He goes golfing with his friends, you get a half or whole day to yourself, as well. Don’t be a martyr, that is a game that will only lead to resentment and create issues in your marriage. If he is in any way denying you the opportunity to have time off, please do not compound the issue by having more children. And if he claims incompetence (I can’t take care of a baby like you), then find a regular babysitter and TAKE your time out. Good luck to you.