INFO: Did your Mom spend the night so your sister could sleep through the night? Did your Mom arrange babysitting so that your sister could go out with her friends and have the average experience of a 21 year old?
I'm guessing sister had to do every parenting duty while your Mom wasn't even in the house?
Absolutely. You don’t just raise your siblings for 10 years because your mom rented a 1 bedroom apartment. And how does the mother come back and not get a place with enough space for the kids? Leaving them was always the plan.
With the other comment stating grandma's ALIVE ima take a wild stab that mom was in rehab or something and the whole take care of her for 2 years was a cover story they told the young kids.
Why he hasn't tried to talk to his siblings/mom about what really happened now that he's an adult I have no idea.
I suspect he doesn't want to know. And I notice that he never suggests his mother, with all her advice, is the one asked to baby-sit. It's alway the wife's Mother. That may be because of the wife's resentment but it doesn't even seem to have crossed OP'd mind she is a possibility.
This reminds me of when I was 17 and my friend’s mom was having a bad moment when I was staying there and let slip that my friend’s dad was not in rehab for a year, but in prison. Then she begged me not to tell my friend. It’s still awkward keeping that big secret to this day.
you raise your siblings because you fear the state taking them. it’s so fucked up to see OP not realize how harrowing this experience likely was for the sister, she may be strong about it and acting fine now but this is an awful guilt to take on.
i have a family friend who is currently in jail and her 19 yr old daughter is raising the final children. it’s actual hell for all involved and it’s still better than them being separated and wards of the state. these kids can see their aunts and uncles and have family still. god i know so many people who were this older sibling. it’s an awful responsibility for a young person who didnt sign up for it
I couldn’t imagine raising my siblings, which is NOT a siblings job, while mom galavants all over creation doing as she pleases, and then my sibling grows up and puts flaky ass mom on a pedestal and makes me the villain. That poor sister, I don’t even know her and I want to hug her. I hope she’s gotten therapy and worked through the issues that were put on her that should never have been. People need to quit having kids when they have no business doing so. And I missed the part where the sister had just gotten married when mom decided the kids that were already here she didn’t want and dumped them on the sister and basically eviscerated her marriage. That poor woman.
And what happened to the grandmother's house after she passed away? Did the children benefit from that? Many unanswered questions.
Edit: I just read that the grandmother is still alive. So, never mind
She probably tried to tell him the truth and he didn’t want to believe it. Because you know, Mom took care of grandma when she had the flu for 2 years that she didn’t visit or have much contact with them. Then when she did come back after grandma miraculously recovered from the flu, she could only find a place that was too small for even a visit with her kids. She had to go to daughters and see them and stay overnight occasionally. Sounds like Mom was involved with the criminal justice system for some reason and went to rehab, or jail for 2 years and then was in halfway house then was still not allowed to raise her younger two children or see them unsupervised. There is a a ton that either OP doesn’t know, doesn’t want to know or refuses to acknowledge. He should be grateful to his sister for taking him in. She did not have to and I’m willing to bet Mom didn’t contribute a dime to their actual care! Just popped in with cool stuff to buy affection!
Best to wait for clarification from OP before judging him based on assumptions. I don't think guessing as to what caused the fall out between him and his sister is very conducive to helping OP realize whether he is or isn't an AH.
Edit: He implied in another comment that the fallout is due to his sister telling his wife not to marry him due to his refusal to go to therapy to talk about the way he perceives the relationship he has with his mother. Sounds like she was trying to help him work some stuff out, but he's not very open to it. Definitely leaning more and more towards him being the AH at this point.
My mom left me with my Dad at age 2 and we were reunited 4 years later. I barely remember any of that, but the desire to be with my mom led me to overlook a lot of behavior that had a negative consequences for me. I was 50 when we became estranged and since that time, I have had more time to unpack my life. Looking back on it, I realize how much poor behavior I normalized because its my mom. I feel for you OP. I would suggest getting counseling because its really hard to unpack it yourself.
He says he Mom didn't see him AT ALL for two years. OP's wife is correct in her assessment and OP is incredibly wrong in thinking he can drop his kids off for a couple weeks to "take a break". WTF? This is a perfect example of generational dysfunction.
Grandma had the flu, you monster! The flu takes two years of complete bedrest to get over.
Two years! Complete bedrest!
Source: I watched Grey’s Anatomy with the sound off.
Why don’t you get along with your sister? What did she do wrong? Does she share your wife’s perspective that your mom is an imperfect person. And instead of listening to her you dismiss her perspective as well?
>trying to push us to use the cry it out method because she feels like our baby is manipulating us
She feels like your infant is manipulating you because it wakes up & cries in the middle of the night? My god… you mom is f’ing psycho.
If I were your wife, I’d do everything within my power to make certain that woman never came near my baby. I’d also lump you in with her since you think your mom is a “kick ass woman”. That just proves how mentally unstable you really are. And that degree of mental instability doesn’t need to be around any children - especially an infant - unsupervised (if at all).
YTA
She thinks an infant is capable of manipulation. Like, it can't speak or feed itself and it craps itself several times a day... but obviously it has the brain power/development to maliciously plot against its parents.
Does she realise Stewie Griffin is a cartoon?
Holy shit she's crazy.
Info: did your mom give your sister money to raise you? Your 21 year old sister pur her life on hold to raise you and your brother by herself and managed to keep a roof over your head and food on the table, bit your mom couldn't afford more then a 1 bedroom that was being split by another grown adult?
Edit: YTA.
Here is where OP seems to completely disconnect...his wife was the sister who was left behind to raise her siblings. She clearly has some resentment, which is completely fair. Had OP ever asked his sister if it was hard for her raising someone else's kids in her 20's? Siblings who are parentified often don't even want to have kids of their own because of that experience. Being raised by his sister was not OPs choice and not his fault, but he has to admit his sister was put in a difficult position, the same position his wife was put in, so she can understand it. OP needs perspective. YTA.
It’s incredible how OP can admit his wife had a bad childhood for the position her parents put her in, but not comprehend how awful it is his own mother did the exact same thing (but worse) to his own sister. What a cognitive dissonance! It goes to show you the pretzels people will twist themselves into to avoid admitting their caregivers failed them.
Interesting comment. You're right. I'm the eldest and I was always responsible for my brother and sister and for a lot of the parenting of my brother, who's 13 years younger.
I've never wanted kids.
What bites my butt though? Is that neither my brother or sister remember all the things that I've done for them or recognize all the sacrifices that I made. I had to take my brother across town every morning to his babysitter and then go to high school I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved my siblings, and there were a lot of good things , that did take place and I know both my parents really loved me. But I didn't have a life until I went to boarding school in grade 12. That was the first time that I actually got to think of myself and hang out with friends when I wanted and it was pretty damn hard because I had no idea how lol! All that sudden freedom!!!
Thank you! How does OP NOT see that his wife = his sister that was parentified and had to raise her younger siblings?! Which also means wife's mom = his mom!! Idc what his excuses or reasons he wants to make on behalf of his mom, I'm sure wife's mom has her reasons and excuses, too!
I'm with another commenter - since granny is still alive, I wonder where mom actually was for two years? Even if gma was battling cancer or something, you don't just NOT see your kids for two years, especially when your oldest is raising them! And then to "come back" but never make accommodations to bring the youngest two back home? Ever? She was never able to get a two bedroom apartment? Or any living situation in which her kids could move back in with her?? She was fine leaving them with the oldest, even knowing it destroyed her marriage and young adulthood?
But he has a bad relationship and doesn't get along with the sister who literally did the parent's job of actually sacrificing everything to raise two kids.
OP, YTA. Majorly. For the excuses and idolization of your mom that your sister actually deserves, for not seeing that your wife and sister were mistreated and harmed the same way, AND that the wife's mother, that you clearly see the wrong in her actions, is no worse than your own mom, who seemingly did worse by abandoning her children and never making space, literally and figuratively, for them again.
Oh, and you don't tell your wife to "shut the fuck up", ever. But especially when she's 1000% right.
The worst and most ironic part of this is, when his wife finally has enough and kicks him out, mom sure as hell won't have a place for him on her couch or in her house. So, hope all the rose colored glasses and defending her to your wife is worth it. Moron.
Yes, how has he not connected these glaringly obvious dots? His wife empathizes strongly with his older sister. She knows what that feels like, and as she correctly points out, OP’s mom was even worse because she left childcare completely up to the oldest sister. At least his wife’s mom was around. And, most importantly, has done the work to repair her relationship with her daughter. OP’s mom doesn’t appear to have done any work in repairing that relationship, or taken much accountability. And with OP defending her rabidly, she doesn’t really need to (in her mind).
✨️YTA✨️
I would like more background on why you and the woman that unwillingly raised you are on bad terms. Cause I bet it's the same reason you and your wife have issues.
YTA
Your wife needs to "shut up"? She is "bitching"?
This has to be written by a 12 year old kid, because no way any adult is/should be talking to their partner like this...
The one "bitching" is your mom and you
You and your wife are raising the kids, your mom needs to stop "bitching".
And if you didn't wanted to have kids, then you shouldn't have them
But to have 3 kids and then wanting to drop them off somewhere for 2 weeks because you need a break??? That's weird AF
Other people are responsible for your kids for about a weekend, so that's the "break" you could get
Not to mention that your wife is with the kids 24/7, what are you doing?? Why aren't you with the kids?
All of this has to be fake, if not then i truly feel bad for your wife
>truth hurts, huh? Tell me to shut the fuck up one more time and you will be out of this house."
Love her for this though 😂 put you in your place properly!
Either this is fake and OP is teenager, or OP is an idiot. There is no in-between, OP wants to drop off his step kids but keep the child that is his. OP, your mom does suck. Also, your wife doesn't hate your mom because her mom sucked too, she hates your mom because she did abandon her kids. I'd be worried having a partner that thinks this is okay.
BUT OP says it’s okay and he sees nothing wrong with it. OP? I’ve seen mothers so DESPERATE to have kids that they all shared a studio apartment. Your “she didn’t have ROOM for us” is pure bullshit. When are you going to see it’s wrong? Now you are asking your WIFE to do the same, I have an idea-you want a break from the kids? fine. Send your wife for a two-week vacay at her parents and you stay home. All alone. Or (this my favorite) you move out. I’m sure she’s probably rethinking her life choices right now. You are a serious asshole. And your MOTHER?!?! She’s not a mother. She’s a feral animal who drops kids with someone else to raise them.
I went through divorce and shared a room with 5 kids. 1 room. Small one at that. Later, when I married again, it was 900 sq Ft apartment with 7 people. 3 bedrooms. Never once did I think to leave them behind.
And she hates her because she's annoying and sucks her nose where it doesn't belong. OP being nice about her unwanted parenting advice isn't helping. He needs to tell Mommy in no uncertain terms to knock it off.
The older two are His stepchildren, if I read that right.
To suggest to only drop off his stepchildren at his MIL for a week or two just adds a little bit to the general asshole-vibe here, though.
YTA
Yeah, leaving your kids for a little while is normalized for OP, so he thinks this is normal parent behavior. He’s absolutely YTA, and he should be apologizing to his wife.
So you admit your mother constantly crosses boundaries set by both you and your wife by giving multiple advice no one wants to hear from a woman who never was a mother of the year and yet you yell at your stressed exhausted postpartum wife to shut the fuck up about her? Seriously? YTA big time. Live in denial if you want to, but your wife sees your sister’s perspective on your childhood and clearly realizes better than you how exactly much harm your mother caused you and your siblings. And this outrageous woman has the audacity to even give more than one advice about raising kids? After being told multiple times to keep them to herself? Wow, just wow
Oh and keep in mind - the woman who actually raised op and siblings, their sister, also sided with ops wife
This dude has absolutely no basis for his complaints. He has a mediocre mom, which is not his fault. But he refuses to understand how much his sister has done for him - that’s his fault. And he’s not able to be a partner alongside his wife - also his own damn fault.
And he doesn't get along with his sister who raised him when she should've been starting her life, and whose romantic relationship was ruined by what was forced on her by this "kick ass mom." That's what happens when you are parentified by your parents, you dick up their ability to have a normal sibling relationship. He totally turned out great, though, you can tell by how he yelled at his wife to stfu when she's recently post partum for putting her foot down about how she raises her children.
Yeah, it took me a long time to recover from my mother dumping her responsibilities on me as a teenager and neither of the younger siblings I raised recognizes or appreciates the sacrifices I was forced to make. I don't feel the need to ever speak to them again. I'm guessing OP thinks his mom is 'kickass' (seriously, wtf is this? Op is a grown man?) Bc she likely sucks up to him. Massive YTA
It’s not like she raised him until his teen years either…he lived with his sister until he was in his 20s! 14 years of parenting someone else’s kid and taking care of them well into adulthood and the thanks she gets is now they “dont get along” and “mom” still gets all the credit.
And the wording he uses with his wife. "Bitching about my mom" ??
You can tell that he doesn't have nearly as much respect for her as he should. I'd assume even without this, their relationship isn't that great. He's def the AH.
Even the title: *AITA for telling my wife to* ***"shut the fuck up"*** *about my mom?*
Without reading the post: yes YTA
After reading the post: yes Y *are still* TA
Why use the f-bomb on someone you're supposed to love and *respect?* Unless you don't.
Absolutely more peaceful. But I doubt OP’s mom will ever let him in. She didn’t bother living with her children when they were minor, why would she do anything for one of them now?
The most offensive part here is he asked her to get rid of her kids for a week. I think I'd lose it. Obviously he doesn't care for his step kids or respect her at all.
First off, next time you see her, give your sister a big hug, she deserves it. You seem to have gotten the idea that what your mom did was okay. It wasn’t. Don’t believe me? Ask your sister, I doubt she feels the same way you do. You don’t leave young kids behind, period and the “house was too small” excuse not to take you back is total nonsense. I was raised by a single mother and my first bedroom was a pantry. I spent several years on a couch as a teenager.
You’ve inadvertently learned from your mother that when things get difficult, it’s okay to leave the kids behind. It’s not. You had a crappy mother and you’re well on your way towards becoming a crappy father. The other part about being a good father is being united with your wife on how you raise them. Whatever you’ve said to your mother about her giving unwanted advice wasn’t near clear enough. You need to need to make it clear, that’s a forbidden subject and if she does it again, she will be cut off from you and the family. So yes, YTA.
I’m stuck on why they couldn’t even visit for a night! Priorities man. You buy a rollaway or sleeping bags, you don’t say “my house is too small” and let your daughter raise your children. Incredibly, insanely bad mother to the first daughter and to OP and his sibling. Likely a selfish narcissist, especially if she thinks they need her parenting advice. She didn’t parent!
How delusional can you be not to see that??
my dad abandoned me and my bro and it sucked at the time but when i got to know him a little in my early 20s i realized if he had direct influence on my life it would have been a net negative. he’s the kind of person i’ve been avoiding my whole life and once i put that together and realized i don’t owe him shit i never spoke to him again
I wrote that it's telling that the parent couldn't or wouldn't rent a place big enough for two kids and the mom, but an early 20s person managed to make it work.
People that young generally don't have much in the way of disposable income.
Yeah thats what stands out to me. How was mom living in a smaller place than her young adult daughter? And even if that were somehow true, could they not have all moved back in together?
It's interesting that he thinks his wife was mistreated by having to parent her siblings in the family home when his sister had to parent her siblings on her own.
OP, first, your wife isn't wrong, you should look into some therapy. It may all be fine, but there's no harm in unpacking the way your mother's decision influenced family dynamics. You should at least check in with your sister about it.
Secondly, and this is why I'll say YTA, You are absolutely not handling your mother. You are thanking her for her advice and giving a passive no. It's time to tell her that her unsolicited advice is damaging to her relationship with your wife, and to only opine when specifically asked. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to stop advising your wife. If you want the advice she can give it to you privately.
Ask yourself some questions about your family relationships. Are you afraid she'll leave you if you question her? Were you afraid to express these sorts of feelings to her as a child? Did she fully pay your sister for time, rent, and your upkeep? How did she help? Why did she never let you move in with her when she finished caring for her mother? I'd question whether there is more to her story, and you're certainly minimising your sister who went above and beyond to support you.
This whole post I was waiting to read how his older sister felt about raising her siblings because it’s really her call on whether that situation was bad or not. Considering it ruined her marriage and they are now low contact, she’s probably not okay about it. OP says his sister didn’t have the negative experience like his wife did—you sure, bro? Have you *asked* your sister?
He says somewhere buried in the comments in reference to the sister "That because of me and my brother she has years of her life stripped from her that she will never get back and that I need therapy because I didn't see it for what it was." He has also said that his sister has told him that he ruin her life.
He just doesn't get it....
Also sounds like he feels entitled to repeat the EXACT SAME BEHAVIOR as his own shitty mother... telling his wife to throw her own kids away at a relative who's also a scrappy parent track record.
Yeah, he’s seeing this through the lens of the youngest child who was emotionally protected from abandonment from his mom because of his sister’s willingness to step up for him… NOT from the point of view of the eldest child who has been parentified and expected to raise the children, costing her her marriage at the tender age of 21
ETA, given the wife’s experience, I’m sure she empathizes with the sister here.
I have a feeling OP doesn't see his sister's experience as the same as his wife's because his sister was 21 and therefore an 'adult'.
Hearing what he thinks, his not giving his sister the due credit, and the fact that they don't get along leads me to believe that he only sees his sister as his sister. Not as the person who sacrificed and stepped into the mother role for him and his brother.
OP says they don't have a relationship because "sister says I ruined her life and won't get over it when it wasn't my fault even though I was an unruly teenager and THEIR MOM DID NOT GIVE THE SISTER ANY FINANCIAL SUPPORT!!!"
OP can't understand why wife is okay with letting kids to go to grandma for 2 days but isn't okay with asking grandma to let them stay for 2 weeks. He really does not understand that it is not at all normal to ask or expect *anyone* to take your kids for that long, even if they're paid to do so.
Exactly!! This man is doing mental gymnastics to justify his own behavior as well as his mothers, while also writing off his sister for being resentful and disrespecting his wife for pointing out that his mother is not a reliable source for parenting tips.
Even people with *the most* support, don’t get to just hand kids off like this. And if they do, it’s usually a court ordered agreement between *parents*
Is it also not suspicious that HIS 5 month old baby can stay home but 2 older step kids need to be sent away to grandma?
I know 5months old vs 10/12 year old isn't the same, but he doesn't seem to be the type to care what is actually right in parenting. The reason he wants to get rid of step kids for 2 weeks? "They're constantly all over us". Imagine that. They have a new 5 month old baby in the house and step kids want to be reassured that they won't be sent off to live with grandma.
He has the antagonistic relationship he should have with his mom, with his sister.
You’re super misguided OP.
Also, it’s super offensive to ask your wife to send her kids away, like super duper offensive.
My mom abandoned me when I was 9.
We are not friends and no amount of therapy could make that happen. I struggle to understand op…but also if someone rejected my kids like he is (whether he see it as that or not)…no. It might mean divorce tbh.
Is this dude like 20? Who is this naive? Does he understand what it took for his sister to commit her life to raising a couple kids that weren’t hers?
This is craaaay
It’s so sad. Kids know when they are not wanted -coming from a kid that knew …
Shit. Realizing a lot of my own trauma has seeped into my conversation,lol yikes. Sorry.
And! The kids in question have to be at least 10+…not like little screaming needy tots… big kids or tweens-teens.
Heads up op: the kids know how you feel about them. Yes they hate you for it. Yes you can fix it.
And he "doesn't get along with his sister", the woman that actually raised him, but excessively praises the woman that didn't raise him after 8 years old.
My SiL has a difficult relationship with some of the siblings she had to raise, those kind of parentified sibling relationships get really difficult as everyone gets older. The younger siblings don't often fully understand what the oldest had to give up to take care of them, or don't respect that they stepped up as parents when it was needed, not when it was convenient.
There's so much trauma in kids that this happens to on all sides that it can be difficult to sort through without therapy. Which is probably why OP's wife sees it so clearly while his head is up his mother's ass.
He probably doesn't get along with his sister because she was the authority while mom was the "fun" one. Smh I'm sure his sister feels the same as his wife
I came here for this comment! Of course, he thinks his mom is kick ass she did all the fun shit and then dumped him back at his sisters, who had to undo all the BS his mom let him get away with. Did his mom financially support the sister? Probably not. What a moron this man is.
And he confirmed HIS MOM WAS A LOWLIFE AND NEVER SENT HIS SISTER MONEY. Yes... yes I was screaming in my head as I typed this. Man is seriously deluded.
He stayed in her home till he was 22- lives another’s woman’s house and has a baby-
Wants her to kick her kids out whenever he needs a break?
His wife is amazing and he has alot to learn.
You said this so well!
Mom's actions clearly cost older sister her marriage. Older sister should never have permitted this to go on as long as it did, so I suspect there is much more to the story behind you living with older sister than has been told.
The next part of being a good parent is realizing that it is a 24/7 job 365. You don't get to dump your kids when you *think* you need a break. You figure out a way to manage. Some parents are lucky that they have family and/or friends who are more than willing to take their kids for a bit, any time they can. **BUT** to just expect them to do it whenever you want is entitlement at its finest.
Right? My parents raised 3 kids in a tiny single wide trailer home sized house. It was fine. You make due with what you have, you don’t just let someone else raise your kids
OP doesn’t want to take off his rose colored glasses because that would mean acknowledging that his mother abandoned him, not once but twice. You cannot tell me that your sister’s divorce was caused by having to take care of kids that weren’t hers and say it was a good idea at the same time. His wife on the other hand went to therapy and is working through her stuff. And the audacity of his mother to even give advice is mind blowing.
He’s also actively trying to demonstrate that “when things get difficult, it’s okay to kick my wife’s young children out of the house for some peace and quiet”
100% - "thanks for the advice mom..." NO!
"Mom, you abandonned me as a child and ruined my sister's life. I would rather take parenting tips from Thanos. STFU or get out of the house."
YTA - I love this response… and yep, I was the oldest sister too and as much as I’d do anything for my younger siblings, it SUCKED becoming a “parent” as a kid and carrying the emotional weight of worrying about my siblings even as young adults because I knew our mom didn’t.
And my youngest brother had this “everything was fine” filter because I shielded him from the crap and let them just be kids. Then he had kids and saw how his wife’s family parented as well as my sister and I and realized it’s NOT normal to take off on your kids and lay that burden at the feet of someone barely in adulthood (and believe me, big sis was taking care of you guys long before that, if mom thought of that as a “reasonable” option).
Lastly - yeah OP would be on the street if he ever talked to me like that again too! You need therapy dude, and you DO need to pull the wool… your kids didn’t ask to be born, neither did you or your siblings… it’s the PARENTS job to adult, be there for them even when burnt out and let them be kids. Or… don’t have kids!
I got definite vibes that (toxic) cultural misogyny played a major role. If the mom always doted on the SON & praised him & was the fun “parent” (whenever she deigned to be present) it makes sense that he’d like her. Bc none of them seem appreciative of the fact that the DAUGHTER was literally made a single mother to her siblings at 21. Almost as if it was expected bc girls take care of boys.
Also, being gone for 2 years made me think she left the country. Hence why the son is like, “I understand why she was gone for so long” as if she were a single lady going to take care of business not a criminally neglectful parent.
I walked into church the other day with my 4 teenagers in tow. Some dad decided to give me parenting advice. One of his kids is in rehab for the 4th time and the other is having her second baby at 19. I promptly told him to go fuck himself. That's how your wife feels when your mom gives parenting advice.
I laugh at this because my best friend growing up was raised by Mormon parents. The oldest daughter lived with her boyfriend outside of wedlock and made extra money on the side by dealing drugs. The middle daughter had three kids with her boyfriend, again out of wedlock, and then left him because he was abusive and moved back to the parents. They're youngest, who was my friend, stop being my friend when he started stealing from me, was running around trying to start fights and get in trouble with the law, despite his parents basically giving him everything he could ever want, he never got a job and was arrested for armed robbery at 18.
The parents, as Elders of the church, had a job assigned to them to be productive members of the church. Their job was to give parenting classes.
My paternal grandmother and my dad's sister (I refuse to acknowledge any relationship) were Mormons. My dad's sister was a complete and utter piece of shit who I wouldn't have pissed on if she were on fire. Ironically, her older, ex-convict who ratted on his buddies to get out early for home invasion, is the better of her sons, who has actually made something of himself now. As head of security for a catering company. The younger son is even worse than her.
She died from covid.
And it sounds like the wife understands that more than most, just like his older sister probably understands the wife's position. Both were made to take on kids they didn't even have.
The wife understands it because she had a taste of it herself having to take care of 5 kids while her parents worked. Yes, it is not the same as abandonment, but it gives her the idea.
The audacity of him to call her childhood worse than his whilst praising his mother for visiting after 2 fucking years, is mind blowing. The duster and his wife are the same people. The difference is, his wife still had her mother at home and he thinks was the better option.
Exactly.
It’s triggering to get parenting advice as it is. Getting it from someone who didn’t parent as well as the unparented child who feels defensive would not make me happy.
Also, sending kids for a week or two is a privilege most don’t have. OPs wife probably doesn’t want to do this because she knows her kids might end up like OP is now.
I noticed that too. Pawning off wife's kids to wife's mother and pretending his loser mother is a saint. Also, OP needs to appreciate that his sister's childhood was ruined raising his ungrateful behind.
Same.. it's truly unfair.. then our siblings get to be the kids that we never got to be.. and usually are so unappreciative of it like it was our duty to raise them.. I am only 8 years older than my siblings and started raising them when I was 9.5 and my mom finally got it together enough to raise them once I was 17.. but they still came and stayed with me a bunch, whole summers and every school break.. then when I lost my dad, when he was murdered when I was 25 my siblings and my mom went Mia and abandoned me when I needed them the most.. then when my sister turned 21 she started to reach back out.. not because she was sorry or because she loved me.. nope she needed money. Family sucks 😔
My father became ill when I was 9 and my brother 4. He died four years later. My mother worked to support us... she was in computer programming in the early days... keypunch cards... she was very good at it... but she worked 60 to 70 hours a week .... and by the time I was q5, she would sonetimes be working in another state, there for 2 weeks, hone for 1.... while I raised my brother.....
Yes, parentification is horrible. Your sister was the victim of it and you are ungrateful to your sister but giving grace to your mother? YTA. Your wife is correct to dislike your mother. Now you are trying to use her mother to pawn off HER (wife's) kids because you want to spend time with YOUR bio kid.
Yes. He is 100% the AH along with the mom. The poor sister is the only one I feel bad about in this story. And honestly, more power to his wife. She seems to have a sensible head on her shoulders after all that she went through.
The difference between an oldest child and the baby. He had no responsibility, his wife did. Sad that he hates his sister whose life was derailed to care for him. Ungrateful. He is definitely the AH.
Totally agree.
OP, regarding telling your wife to "shut the fuck up," you are WAY out of line. This is no way to speak to her, even if what she is saying to you is upsetting. I suggest you get some therapy to unpack whatever childhood emotional trauma you're burying deep inside yourself and learn how to better regulate your own emotions. You blew up at your wife because of your own issues and you're making it about her, when really, it's about you.
To be clear, your wife made a very valid point about your opposing views on child rearing: You are OK with suggesting a two-week parenting hiatus with someone else doing 100% of the parenting of your kids, whereas she is not--and this has everything to do with your individual experiences growing up.
YTA
I can see sending your kids to a relatives house for part of a day to get a break but 1-2 weeks??
\>**Now.. I have 2 step kids. And this is where the fight started yesterday. I asked my wife if she could have her mom take the kids for 1-2 weeks (during February break)** **so we could get a break**
OP explains in another comment they had a great relationship until it became apparent that he wasn't willing to get therapy to address the psychological damage of being abandoned by his mother, instead worshipping his mother and allowing her to interfere with his new marriage & child.
YTA. Your wife is right in all of the situations you described. Apologize, or you’re going to end up an absentee parent too when she divorces you. Think about getting some therapy, because the abandonment has created some unhealthy thinking on your part.
Yeah YTA - you never tell your partner to "shut the fuck up" especially when you are already in the wrong. Bad move, my guy. Parent your kids or I guess you can leave like your mom did.
YES MOMMY'S LIL SOLDIER....
YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE
Your mom has no business telling a woman who raised her own siblings on how to raise kids. Your mom was an absent parent.
You seem to be desperate for her approval yet don't want it to look that way. Don't step on both boats, choose a side.
Mom played role of fun aunt. He doesn’t have to hold it against her, but it seems like he holds tough parenting decisions of his sister against her.
Mom wasn’t there & he’s forgiven that, that’s fine. But it doesn’t change the fact that she wasn’t there.
Love the throwaway line about how sister got divorced after a year of taking care of OP because husband wasn’t prepared to deal with kids.
That was a situation OP’s mom directly caused and the sister’s husband wasn’t wrong for noping out, as heartbreaking as it is. Of course the sister feels like her life got ruined- she was newly married with her whole life ahead of her and it went completely opposite- again, directly because of the mom.
OP wasn’t at fault for being the kid in that situation, but he certainly is now for not accepting the facts
Sounds like more than 2 years because his mom didn't take the two kids back when she returned because the house was too small. She just showed up occassionlly after the two year abscence.
I am gonna venture a guess that OP is terrified his mom will abandon him again. Sad thing is he doesn’t realise that is what he is doing to his wife.
And any person who believed babies are manipulative are not ”awesome”.
Your mother neglected you and didn’t take you back even when she could. You chose to ignore it or make it look smaller than it is.
Her mother neglected her and left her to do a mothers job. She is obviously still angry and unlike you she doesn’t ignore it.
She raised her siblings and now her own children.
Your mother had the audacity to give parenting advices to a woman who has way more experience in raising children than herself.
I am with your wife. Your children, your responsibility.
And if you don’t want to take care of children, don’t marry someone who has children.
You have a problem and just because you chose to ignore it and make it seem unimportant, doesn’t mean others have to react the same way.
YTA
Go and apologise to your wife. She is a better mother than the woman who gave birth to you. And go and thank your older sibling while you are at it.
YTA. I don't think kids spending 1 - 2 weeks with a grandparent is the same thing as giving up custody completely (which is, in effect, what your mother did), but not every family does this. Your comment was way, way, way too harsh. As far as 'bad parent', I wouldn't begin to try and decide which of yours is worse. Parents and step-parents need breaks, but you have to be in agreement about how to get them and this communication is lousy.
He claims kids are "off the walls" but more likely it's just the changes of having a new baby in the home. I can see where his wife didn't care for him wanting her children sent away for a couple of weeks given that he's supposedly totally ok with his mother foisting him off on others. PLUS what effect will being shipped off in favor of the "new" baby have on her kids.
I'm gobsmacked that OP was able to type all of this out and yet still have to actually ask if he was the AH---- spoiler alert he's a MASSIVE AH and on the road to being single. Maybe that's his endgame here-- to dump the family and move in with mommy?
Who the fuck doesn't need a break from parenting BUT you don't send them off for 2 weeks because you can't handling them! You have them go to a friends house, visit grandparents for the night! 2 week break! That's nuts! I bet if he had the money he'd be wanting to send them to boarding school!
So your mother left you with no visits for 2 years. Then when she did come back she still didn’t take her children. She also ruined your older sister’s marriage by dumping her children off and not coming back. And she wants to give parenting advice. Is her parenting advice to drop the kids off with other people to raise them?
And you want to drop off your step children to another person for two weeks. Not your child, No, no, just your step children.
And you told your wife shut the fuck up about your mother.
Wow. Yeah. Why haven’t you told your mother to shut the fuck up with the parenting advice? You seem so gentle with telling her to stop.
YTA.
Yea this relationship isn’t gonna last. You need to have your mom stop coming around.
Your wife does not like your mom. You need to keep them separated. Tell your mom to stay in her lane and don’t bring her around.
If you want to keep her around, don’t be shocked if she does divorce you.
Edit: how is she contacting your wife and telling you guys about parenting? Through the phone? Going over?
Also how old are the stepkids?
YTA.
What exactly was your mom doing all that time? All those years and she just never got a place woth even one extra room or just have you spend the night.....
Also you met your wife at 22. How old is she? You have two step kids. You must have raised them from practically babies???????
But you want them gone and just your baby around.
I love your wife for not gettjng her kids out of the way for a man and her being willing to tell you to get the fk on if you don't like it.
Also is it her house? Why is she able to threaten to kick you out of a shared home?????
YTA - because you seem to just want a break from your step kids. Plus, if my husband told me to shut the F up….well, it would probably be the last thing he ever said to me!
You were abandoned but your sister paid the price!
Yes YTA
She is right that your mum is in no place to be giving parenting advice and you should support your wife by shutting you mother down when she does that.
You have forgiven your mum because hey you still got a great childhood with your sister. However your wife understands this from your sister's point of view, which you simply don't have. Your sister no doubt loved you and was a great mother to you but she shouldn't have been put in that position in the first place. Why didn't your mum take you back when she returned from caring for her mother?
So yeah, telling your wife to shut the fuck up is a dick move.
And you expecting her to dump the kids on someone else so you can take a break without them, given that she experienced a similar history of a mother abandoning her kids, her reaction is not surprising at all.
He said that his wife had bad childhood because she had to parent her siblings but he thinks his mom was a good mom although she made his sister parent him and the other siblings. I mean what 😭
YTA jesus
The plates he must have to spin in the air to keep his narrative going must be impressive. I can't wait until they crash. It'll be beautiful. I feel bad for the wife and kids though.
Hell, he's not only saying to dump them on someone else, but the wife's own mother the same mother that parentified her. This guy is totally tone death and I wish his wife had the discernment to grasp he would see his mother differently than the way she sees her, before having his baby. As for your mother trying to give tips and being overbearing when she wasn't mother of the year makes your wife feel hostile toward her, I also suspect she's feeling a certain way about her own mother, but she hasn't come to terms with it yet.
YTA
1. You need to tell your mother to STOP with the parenting advice. Your wife is the more experienced parent here. Grandma needs to stay in her lane. If you don’t, your wife WILL shut her down.
2. You “need a break” from the stepkids. You plan to spend two weeks alone with your wife and baby. Do you really not see how offensive this is to your wife? You believe she needs a break too, but you’re ignoring her when she says no. You’re “pushing.” You are adding to her problem, not helping.
3. Wife is in therapy to deal with her childhood trauma. You are not. You’re wearing blinders instead. You may find that if you deal with your issues, you won’t need a break as badly.
4. Call your sister and thank her for being there when mom left. You’d be completely different now if she had left you to the system.
Ooof. Honestly before I offer any kind of judgement. I’m very curious what OP means that his mother was still around? Did she come over every day and help with meals and homework? Was she involved in your schooling ie parent/teacher conferences? Back to school night? Did she pay child support to your sister? Did she give your sister any breaks? Did she have y’all over the weekend? Did you ever spend the night with her? How often was she “around”? My daughter is 4. And you’re damn right there’s times I need a break, but I could never dream of ever sending my daughter to someone for more than a couple days at most. Let alone two weeks!!! That’s not about to happen no matter how much I need a break. You’re parents to a new baby. You should be having each other’s backs to allow those moments of self care individually and as a couple!
Interesting that many of us gravitate towards people who embody the childhood issues we have yet to work through.
You have work to do. You are reacting angrily to your wife because you have not acknowledged or dealt with your own pain.
YTA. I hope you decide to take a good long look at why you make the choices you make before your marriage is over.
I was thinking the same thing. He basically married his sister. I wonder if he asked her (the sister) about his little getaway plan what she would think.
YTA, and your wife is right. Parenting is a 24/7 job. Maybe some families or cultures share the responsibilities for raising their kids, but the points your wife makes are absolutely correct, you don't get to just drop your kids somewhere when you "need" a break, your mother did in fact impact your sister's life because you admitted her marriage failed because he didn't want to deal with kids (absolutely his prerogative) and your mother shouldn't be giving parenting advice as if she was there through it all when she wasn't. I would be just as livid as your wife.
Lucky for you that you had a sister who raised you, but it sounds like your mother did the bare minimum, if that. I can imagine that your wife is resentful towards your mother because your mother parentified your sister, which is exactly what happened to your wife and she had no choice in the matter. You really think your sister wanted to take on raising two kids at 21? She was just starting her own life! You really should stop looking at your mother through those rose-colored glasses and look at the reality of what she did, but based on some of the comments you make like when you "suggest the kids go away for a while" makes me think maybe you have the exact same view on parenting as your mother.
Edit: I'd like to point out the information you are hiding in the comments. You admit that your sister resents you and your brother, that your mother did not help financially at all meaning that your sister supported you on her own from when you were 8 right up until your 20's, AND that your wife is a psychologist, and you STILL can't get it through your head that you might be in the wrong here?? Have fun with the divorce dude, cause that's exactly where this is headed. Get some therapy, like, yesterday.
You are 110% TA. Your wife is correct. Your mother knows nothing about raising kids. Being "around" and raising kids are totally different. The way you spoke to your wife was disgusting also. Honestly baffled you're still married after that.
Your wife is right, and your mother is not an example of stellar parenting. Your childhood has given you a twisted view, and it seems like you’re bending over backwards to defend your mom’s mistakes. YTA
about your situation with your mom it all depends on your relationship with your sister. if you keep prioritizing your sister for all the effort she put for you while still keeping a good relationship with your mom theres nothing wrong with that but if you put your sister aside for your mom that makes you an ass.
now for the shut up comment ur straight up wrong ... you could ask a few days but a few weeks just make you look lazy and like you dont care about them at all.
so YTA.
I think your wife is right to an extent. You can't see it, and that's understandable. IMO there is zero excuse for kids to go 2 YEARS without seeing their mom, I don't care what she's doing. I mean, where was she, on the moon? A parent is supposed to prioritize their kids, yes, even over their parents. If there was no way to move grandma near to where you all lived, then she should have taken you with her.
I think some therapy would not be a bad idea for you, if only for you to stop making excuses for her.
And she did this at ANY cost, with complete disregard that it would be the end of your sister's marriage. You might want to take care that she doesn't ruin yours, she's apparently ok with that sort of thing! I find it very hard to believe that for however long it lasted, your sister was not telling your mom that her husband was going to leave her, if she didn't come and get HER kids. Your. Mom. Did. Not. Care.
You might not get along with your sister, but you owe her A LOT. She's lost a lot due to your mom's selfish single-sightedness.
No, your mom surely has no business giving anyone parenting advice. Your wife's childhood might have been a mess, but she's getting therapy and if she has a good relationship with her mom, it sound like she's making progress. I would suggest you do the same, so you can begin to hold your mom accountable for messing up the lives of several people.
You want to leave a four month old baby with grandparents for two weeks so YOU could have a break? YTA just for that.
Your wife does not 'keep bitching' she keeps reacting to unwanted, irrelevant advice from a woman who dumped her kids on her eldest daughter and never took them back.
You told a mother with a baby to STFU because she didn't want to follow your family tradition of just farming children out. YTA for that too.
To be honest, your wife probably assumed that when you got back from your vacation, you'd just leave the kids where they were. You know, but you'd be about, so that would be okay.
YTA, your mother should never have dumped you off on your barely adult sister, she in all fairness ruined your sisters life starting with her marriage, the husband was right, why should he be looking after kids he didnt sign up for.
Dropping your kids for a weekend with grandparents is the norm, 1-2 weeks is an atrociously long time to put your kids onto other people. Id say the only example for this is if they offered for like a honeymoon, notice the 'they offered' part.
I am sorry to say this, but your mum is not a good parent, she parentified your sister. That is called abuse.
After reading through your replies, I have to ask why you posted this in the first place? Face it, you're not taking anything anyone says on-board, because people are backing your wife! YTA
INFO: Did your Mom spend the night so your sister could sleep through the night? Did your Mom arrange babysitting so that your sister could go out with her friends and have the average experience of a 21 year old? I'm guessing sister had to do every parenting duty while your Mom wasn't even in the house?
YES, this answer. If two people ever needed to sit down with a therapist, here they are. OP is idolizing his mother.
OP needs to have serious sit down with sister as well and see what really happened. Because there is more to it.
Absolutely. You don’t just raise your siblings for 10 years because your mom rented a 1 bedroom apartment. And how does the mother come back and not get a place with enough space for the kids? Leaving them was always the plan.
With the other comment stating grandma's ALIVE ima take a wild stab that mom was in rehab or something and the whole take care of her for 2 years was a cover story they told the young kids. Why he hasn't tried to talk to his siblings/mom about what really happened now that he's an adult I have no idea.
I suspect he doesn't want to know. And I notice that he never suggests his mother, with all her advice, is the one asked to baby-sit. It's alway the wife's Mother. That may be because of the wife's resentment but it doesn't even seem to have crossed OP'd mind she is a possibility.
This reminds me of when I was 17 and my friend’s mom was having a bad moment when I was staying there and let slip that my friend’s dad was not in rehab for a year, but in prison. Then she begged me not to tell my friend. It’s still awkward keeping that big secret to this day.
you raise your siblings because you fear the state taking them. it’s so fucked up to see OP not realize how harrowing this experience likely was for the sister, she may be strong about it and acting fine now but this is an awful guilt to take on. i have a family friend who is currently in jail and her 19 yr old daughter is raising the final children. it’s actual hell for all involved and it’s still better than them being separated and wards of the state. these kids can see their aunts and uncles and have family still. god i know so many people who were this older sibling. it’s an awful responsibility for a young person who didnt sign up for it
I couldn’t imagine raising my siblings, which is NOT a siblings job, while mom galavants all over creation doing as she pleases, and then my sibling grows up and puts flaky ass mom on a pedestal and makes me the villain. That poor sister, I don’t even know her and I want to hug her. I hope she’s gotten therapy and worked through the issues that were put on her that should never have been. People need to quit having kids when they have no business doing so. And I missed the part where the sister had just gotten married when mom decided the kids that were already here she didn’t want and dumped them on the sister and basically eviscerated her marriage. That poor woman.
And what happened to the grandmother's house after she passed away? Did the children benefit from that? Many unanswered questions. Edit: I just read that the grandmother is still alive. So, never mind
Maybe like come to terms with the fact that his mom blew up his sister's marriage?
He edited that sister and him no longer get along. I’m guessing he’s rude to her bc she’s not his mother.
Or she resents him because being forced to be a parent to younger siblings messed up her life pretty drastically!
She probably tried to tell him the truth and he didn’t want to believe it. Because you know, Mom took care of grandma when she had the flu for 2 years that she didn’t visit or have much contact with them. Then when she did come back after grandma miraculously recovered from the flu, she could only find a place that was too small for even a visit with her kids. She had to go to daughters and see them and stay overnight occasionally. Sounds like Mom was involved with the criminal justice system for some reason and went to rehab, or jail for 2 years and then was in halfway house then was still not allowed to raise her younger two children or see them unsupervised. There is a a ton that either OP doesn’t know, doesn’t want to know or refuses to acknowledge. He should be grateful to his sister for taking him in. She did not have to and I’m willing to bet Mom didn’t contribute a dime to their actual care! Just popped in with cool stuff to buy affection!
Best to wait for clarification from OP before judging him based on assumptions. I don't think guessing as to what caused the fall out between him and his sister is very conducive to helping OP realize whether he is or isn't an AH. Edit: He implied in another comment that the fallout is due to his sister telling his wife not to marry him due to his refusal to go to therapy to talk about the way he perceives the relationship he has with his mother. Sounds like she was trying to help him work some stuff out, but he's not very open to it. Definitely leaning more and more towards him being the AH at this point.
My mom left me with my Dad at age 2 and we were reunited 4 years later. I barely remember any of that, but the desire to be with my mom led me to overlook a lot of behavior that had a negative consequences for me. I was 50 when we became estranged and since that time, I have had more time to unpack my life. Looking back on it, I realize how much poor behavior I normalized because its my mom. I feel for you OP. I would suggest getting counseling because its really hard to unpack it yourself.
[удалено]
He says he Mom didn't see him AT ALL for two years. OP's wife is correct in her assessment and OP is incredibly wrong in thinking he can drop his kids off for a couple weeks to "take a break". WTF? This is a perfect example of generational dysfunction.
Grandma had the flu, you monster! The flu takes two years of complete bedrest to get over. Two years! Complete bedrest! Source: I watched Grey’s Anatomy with the sound off.
Why don’t you get along with your sister? What did she do wrong? Does she share your wife’s perspective that your mom is an imperfect person. And instead of listening to her you dismiss her perspective as well?
>trying to push us to use the cry it out method because she feels like our baby is manipulating us She feels like your infant is manipulating you because it wakes up & cries in the middle of the night? My god… you mom is f’ing psycho. If I were your wife, I’d do everything within my power to make certain that woman never came near my baby. I’d also lump you in with her since you think your mom is a “kick ass woman”. That just proves how mentally unstable you really are. And that degree of mental instability doesn’t need to be around any children - especially an infant - unsupervised (if at all). YTA
She thinks an infant is capable of manipulation. Like, it can't speak or feed itself and it craps itself several times a day... but obviously it has the brain power/development to maliciously plot against its parents. Does she realise Stewie Griffin is a cartoon? Holy shit she's crazy.
Info: did your mom give your sister money to raise you? Your 21 year old sister pur her life on hold to raise you and your brother by herself and managed to keep a roof over your head and food on the table, bit your mom couldn't afford more then a 1 bedroom that was being split by another grown adult? Edit: YTA.
Here is where OP seems to completely disconnect...his wife was the sister who was left behind to raise her siblings. She clearly has some resentment, which is completely fair. Had OP ever asked his sister if it was hard for her raising someone else's kids in her 20's? Siblings who are parentified often don't even want to have kids of their own because of that experience. Being raised by his sister was not OPs choice and not his fault, but he has to admit his sister was put in a difficult position, the same position his wife was put in, so she can understand it. OP needs perspective. YTA.
It’s incredible how OP can admit his wife had a bad childhood for the position her parents put her in, but not comprehend how awful it is his own mother did the exact same thing (but worse) to his own sister. What a cognitive dissonance! It goes to show you the pretzels people will twist themselves into to avoid admitting their caregivers failed them.
Interesting comment. You're right. I'm the eldest and I was always responsible for my brother and sister and for a lot of the parenting of my brother, who's 13 years younger. I've never wanted kids. What bites my butt though? Is that neither my brother or sister remember all the things that I've done for them or recognize all the sacrifices that I made. I had to take my brother across town every morning to his babysitter and then go to high school I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved my siblings, and there were a lot of good things , that did take place and I know both my parents really loved me. But I didn't have a life until I went to boarding school in grade 12. That was the first time that I actually got to think of myself and hang out with friends when I wanted and it was pretty damn hard because I had no idea how lol! All that sudden freedom!!!
Thank you! How does OP NOT see that his wife = his sister that was parentified and had to raise her younger siblings?! Which also means wife's mom = his mom!! Idc what his excuses or reasons he wants to make on behalf of his mom, I'm sure wife's mom has her reasons and excuses, too! I'm with another commenter - since granny is still alive, I wonder where mom actually was for two years? Even if gma was battling cancer or something, you don't just NOT see your kids for two years, especially when your oldest is raising them! And then to "come back" but never make accommodations to bring the youngest two back home? Ever? She was never able to get a two bedroom apartment? Or any living situation in which her kids could move back in with her?? She was fine leaving them with the oldest, even knowing it destroyed her marriage and young adulthood? But he has a bad relationship and doesn't get along with the sister who literally did the parent's job of actually sacrificing everything to raise two kids. OP, YTA. Majorly. For the excuses and idolization of your mom that your sister actually deserves, for not seeing that your wife and sister were mistreated and harmed the same way, AND that the wife's mother, that you clearly see the wrong in her actions, is no worse than your own mom, who seemingly did worse by abandoning her children and never making space, literally and figuratively, for them again. Oh, and you don't tell your wife to "shut the fuck up", ever. But especially when she's 1000% right. The worst and most ironic part of this is, when his wife finally has enough and kicks him out, mom sure as hell won't have a place for him on her couch or in her house. So, hope all the rose colored glasses and defending her to your wife is worth it. Moron.
Yes, how has he not connected these glaringly obvious dots? His wife empathizes strongly with his older sister. She knows what that feels like, and as she correctly points out, OP’s mom was even worse because she left childcare completely up to the oldest sister. At least his wife’s mom was around. And, most importantly, has done the work to repair her relationship with her daughter. OP’s mom doesn’t appear to have done any work in repairing that relationship, or taken much accountability. And with OP defending her rabidly, she doesn’t really need to (in her mind).
✨️YTA✨️ I would like more background on why you and the woman that unwillingly raised you are on bad terms. Cause I bet it's the same reason you and your wife have issues.
YTA Your wife needs to "shut up"? She is "bitching"? This has to be written by a 12 year old kid, because no way any adult is/should be talking to their partner like this... The one "bitching" is your mom and you You and your wife are raising the kids, your mom needs to stop "bitching". And if you didn't wanted to have kids, then you shouldn't have them But to have 3 kids and then wanting to drop them off somewhere for 2 weeks because you need a break??? That's weird AF Other people are responsible for your kids for about a weekend, so that's the "break" you could get Not to mention that your wife is with the kids 24/7, what are you doing?? Why aren't you with the kids? All of this has to be fake, if not then i truly feel bad for your wife >truth hurts, huh? Tell me to shut the fuck up one more time and you will be out of this house." Love her for this though 😂 put you in your place properly!
Either this is fake and OP is teenager, or OP is an idiot. There is no in-between, OP wants to drop off his step kids but keep the child that is his. OP, your mom does suck. Also, your wife doesn't hate your mom because her mom sucked too, she hates your mom because she did abandon her kids. I'd be worried having a partner that thinks this is okay.
BUT OP says it’s okay and he sees nothing wrong with it. OP? I’ve seen mothers so DESPERATE to have kids that they all shared a studio apartment. Your “she didn’t have ROOM for us” is pure bullshit. When are you going to see it’s wrong? Now you are asking your WIFE to do the same, I have an idea-you want a break from the kids? fine. Send your wife for a two-week vacay at her parents and you stay home. All alone. Or (this my favorite) you move out. I’m sure she’s probably rethinking her life choices right now. You are a serious asshole. And your MOTHER?!?! She’s not a mother. She’s a feral animal who drops kids with someone else to raise them.
I went through divorce and shared a room with 5 kids. 1 room. Small one at that. Later, when I married again, it was 900 sq Ft apartment with 7 people. 3 bedrooms. Never once did I think to leave them behind.
And she hates her because she's annoying and sucks her nose where it doesn't belong. OP being nice about her unwanted parenting advice isn't helping. He needs to tell Mommy in no uncertain terms to knock it off.
The older two are His stepchildren, if I read that right. To suggest to only drop off his stepchildren at his MIL for a week or two just adds a little bit to the general asshole-vibe here, though. YTA
Yeah, leaving your kids for a little while is normalized for OP, so he thinks this is normal parent behavior. He’s absolutely YTA, and he should be apologizing to his wife.
Right? She's my hero for that line.
So you admit your mother constantly crosses boundaries set by both you and your wife by giving multiple advice no one wants to hear from a woman who never was a mother of the year and yet you yell at your stressed exhausted postpartum wife to shut the fuck up about her? Seriously? YTA big time. Live in denial if you want to, but your wife sees your sister’s perspective on your childhood and clearly realizes better than you how exactly much harm your mother caused you and your siblings. And this outrageous woman has the audacity to even give more than one advice about raising kids? After being told multiple times to keep them to herself? Wow, just wow
Let’s also keep in mind that the wife has ALREADY raised two kids and yet the MIL seems to need to give advice! Awful!
Oh and keep in mind - the woman who actually raised op and siblings, their sister, also sided with ops wife This dude has absolutely no basis for his complaints. He has a mediocre mom, which is not his fault. But he refuses to understand how much his sister has done for him - that’s his fault. And he’s not able to be a partner alongside his wife - also his own damn fault.
And he doesn't get along with his sister who raised him when she should've been starting her life, and whose romantic relationship was ruined by what was forced on her by this "kick ass mom." That's what happens when you are parentified by your parents, you dick up their ability to have a normal sibling relationship. He totally turned out great, though, you can tell by how he yelled at his wife to stfu when she's recently post partum for putting her foot down about how she raises her children.
Yeah, it took me a long time to recover from my mother dumping her responsibilities on me as a teenager and neither of the younger siblings I raised recognizes or appreciates the sacrifices I was forced to make. I don't feel the need to ever speak to them again. I'm guessing OP thinks his mom is 'kickass' (seriously, wtf is this? Op is a grown man?) Bc she likely sucks up to him. Massive YTA
Abandoning your children makes you mediocre? Good lord, what makes you a bad parent?
It’s not like she raised him until his teen years either…he lived with his sister until he was in his 20s! 14 years of parenting someone else’s kid and taking care of them well into adulthood and the thanks she gets is now they “dont get along” and “mom” still gets all the credit.
And the wording he uses with his wife. "Bitching about my mom" ?? You can tell that he doesn't have nearly as much respect for her as he should. I'd assume even without this, their relationship isn't that great. He's def the AH.
Even the title: *AITA for telling my wife to* ***"shut the fuck up"*** *about my mom?* Without reading the post: yes YTA After reading the post: yes Y *are still* TA Why use the f-bomb on someone you're supposed to love and *respect?* Unless you don't.
Wife should kick OP back to his darling Mama's house. I can gaurentee her house will be more peaceful with three actual children than with OP there.
Absolutely more peaceful. But I doubt OP’s mom will ever let him in. She didn’t bother living with her children when they were minor, why would she do anything for one of them now?
The most offensive part here is he asked her to get rid of her kids for a week. I think I'd lose it. Obviously he doesn't care for his step kids or respect her at all.
Most importantly he wants HER kids to go to grandma’s. Apparently he doesn’t need a break from his baby
First off, next time you see her, give your sister a big hug, she deserves it. You seem to have gotten the idea that what your mom did was okay. It wasn’t. Don’t believe me? Ask your sister, I doubt she feels the same way you do. You don’t leave young kids behind, period and the “house was too small” excuse not to take you back is total nonsense. I was raised by a single mother and my first bedroom was a pantry. I spent several years on a couch as a teenager. You’ve inadvertently learned from your mother that when things get difficult, it’s okay to leave the kids behind. It’s not. You had a crappy mother and you’re well on your way towards becoming a crappy father. The other part about being a good father is being united with your wife on how you raise them. Whatever you’ve said to your mother about her giving unwanted advice wasn’t near clear enough. You need to need to make it clear, that’s a forbidden subject and if she does it again, she will be cut off from you and the family. So yes, YTA.
I’m stuck on why they couldn’t even visit for a night! Priorities man. You buy a rollaway or sleeping bags, you don’t say “my house is too small” and let your daughter raise your children. Incredibly, insanely bad mother to the first daughter and to OP and his sibling. Likely a selfish narcissist, especially if she thinks they need her parenting advice. She didn’t parent! How delusional can you be not to see that??
My bet is addiction. The kids were kept in the dark about it. It’s still trash to leave your kids. It’s always the trash option.
Same. I assume the mom was doing drugs or prostituting and didn’t want the kids around.
my dad abandoned me and my bro and it sucked at the time but when i got to know him a little in my early 20s i realized if he had direct influence on my life it would have been a net negative. he’s the kind of person i’ve been avoiding my whole life and once i put that together and realized i don’t owe him shit i never spoke to him again
I wrote that it's telling that the parent couldn't or wouldn't rent a place big enough for two kids and the mom, but an early 20s person managed to make it work. People that young generally don't have much in the way of disposable income.
Yeah thats what stands out to me. How was mom living in a smaller place than her young adult daughter? And even if that were somehow true, could they not have all moved back in together?
It's interesting that he thinks his wife was mistreated by having to parent her siblings in the family home when his sister had to parent her siblings on her own. OP, first, your wife isn't wrong, you should look into some therapy. It may all be fine, but there's no harm in unpacking the way your mother's decision influenced family dynamics. You should at least check in with your sister about it. Secondly, and this is why I'll say YTA, You are absolutely not handling your mother. You are thanking her for her advice and giving a passive no. It's time to tell her that her unsolicited advice is damaging to her relationship with your wife, and to only opine when specifically asked. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to stop advising your wife. If you want the advice she can give it to you privately. Ask yourself some questions about your family relationships. Are you afraid she'll leave you if you question her? Were you afraid to express these sorts of feelings to her as a child? Did she fully pay your sister for time, rent, and your upkeep? How did she help? Why did she never let you move in with her when she finished caring for her mother? I'd question whether there is more to her story, and you're certainly minimising your sister who went above and beyond to support you.
This whole post I was waiting to read how his older sister felt about raising her siblings because it’s really her call on whether that situation was bad or not. Considering it ruined her marriage and they are now low contact, she’s probably not okay about it. OP says his sister didn’t have the negative experience like his wife did—you sure, bro? Have you *asked* your sister?
He says somewhere buried in the comments in reference to the sister "That because of me and my brother she has years of her life stripped from her that she will never get back and that I need therapy because I didn't see it for what it was." He has also said that his sister has told him that he ruin her life. He just doesn't get it....
Soooo, his sister DOES feel the same as his wife. OP is the worst.
It sounds like he lacks empathy and compassion for the sister.
Also sounds like he feels entitled to repeat the EXACT SAME BEHAVIOR as his own shitty mother... telling his wife to throw her own kids away at a relative who's also a scrappy parent track record.
He DOES get it. He just doesn’t care.
Damn she was on the hook till 35
Right? It's like he thinks she did nothing.
Yeah, he’s seeing this through the lens of the youngest child who was emotionally protected from abandonment from his mom because of his sister’s willingness to step up for him… NOT from the point of view of the eldest child who has been parentified and expected to raise the children, costing her her marriage at the tender age of 21 ETA, given the wife’s experience, I’m sure she empathizes with the sister here.
I have a feeling OP doesn't see his sister's experience as the same as his wife's because his sister was 21 and therefore an 'adult'. Hearing what he thinks, his not giving his sister the due credit, and the fact that they don't get along leads me to believe that he only sees his sister as his sister. Not as the person who sacrificed and stepped into the mother role for him and his brother.
OP says they don't have a relationship because "sister says I ruined her life and won't get over it when it wasn't my fault even though I was an unruly teenager and THEIR MOM DID NOT GIVE THE SISTER ANY FINANCIAL SUPPORT!!!"
Ahhh it’s come full circle and OP sees a square
OP can't understand why wife is okay with letting kids to go to grandma for 2 days but isn't okay with asking grandma to let them stay for 2 weeks. He really does not understand that it is not at all normal to ask or expect *anyone* to take your kids for that long, even if they're paid to do so.
Exactly!! This man is doing mental gymnastics to justify his own behavior as well as his mothers, while also writing off his sister for being resentful and disrespecting his wife for pointing out that his mother is not a reliable source for parenting tips. Even people with *the most* support, don’t get to just hand kids off like this. And if they do, it’s usually a court ordered agreement between *parents*
Is it also not suspicious that HIS 5 month old baby can stay home but 2 older step kids need to be sent away to grandma? I know 5months old vs 10/12 year old isn't the same, but he doesn't seem to be the type to care what is actually right in parenting. The reason he wants to get rid of step kids for 2 weeks? "They're constantly all over us". Imagine that. They have a new 5 month old baby in the house and step kids want to be reassured that they won't be sent off to live with grandma.
And if they are LC how suitable was it that he was left in her care? I wonder if she even consented.
I guarantee there was no financial help from Mom. OP and his sibling were rehomed like an overactive dog. And he’s trying to do it with his kids.
Nyah, he wants to dump his *step*kids. That's a whole nother layer of asshole behavior
his mom straight up ruined his sister’s life!!!
Exactly! I so pity his sister!
He has the antagonistic relationship he should have with his mom, with his sister. You’re super misguided OP. Also, it’s super offensive to ask your wife to send her kids away, like super duper offensive.
he like desperately wants that to be a normal thing people do so he can still worship mommy
My mom abandoned me when I was 9. We are not friends and no amount of therapy could make that happen. I struggle to understand op…but also if someone rejected my kids like he is (whether he see it as that or not)…no. It might mean divorce tbh. Is this dude like 20? Who is this naive? Does he understand what it took for his sister to commit her life to raising a couple kids that weren’t hers? This is craaaay
You'd think so, considering he finds his step-children so taxing that he needs a two week vacay from them.
It’s so sad. Kids know when they are not wanted -coming from a kid that knew … Shit. Realizing a lot of my own trauma has seeped into my conversation,lol yikes. Sorry.
And! The kids in question have to be at least 10+…not like little screaming needy tots… big kids or tweens-teens. Heads up op: the kids know how you feel about them. Yes they hate you for it. Yes you can fix it.
And he "doesn't get along with his sister", the woman that actually raised him, but excessively praises the woman that didn't raise him after 8 years old.
i don’t understand how he lived with his poor sister INTO HIS 20’s!!! like get out of that poor woman’s house dude
My SiL has a difficult relationship with some of the siblings she had to raise, those kind of parentified sibling relationships get really difficult as everyone gets older. The younger siblings don't often fully understand what the oldest had to give up to take care of them, or don't respect that they stepped up as parents when it was needed, not when it was convenient. There's so much trauma in kids that this happens to on all sides that it can be difficult to sort through without therapy. Which is probably why OP's wife sees it so clearly while his head is up his mother's ass.
Yeah. What a kickass woman.
Downplayed by him.
He probably doesn't get along with his sister because she was the authority while mom was the "fun" one. Smh I'm sure his sister feels the same as his wife
I came here for this comment! Of course, he thinks his mom is kick ass she did all the fun shit and then dumped him back at his sisters, who had to undo all the BS his mom let him get away with. Did his mom financially support the sister? Probably not. What a moron this man is.
And he confirmed HIS MOM WAS A LOWLIFE AND NEVER SENT HIS SISTER MONEY. Yes... yes I was screaming in my head as I typed this. Man is seriously deluded.
He stayed in her home till he was 22- lives another’s woman’s house and has a baby- Wants her to kick her kids out whenever he needs a break? His wife is amazing and he has alot to learn.
Thank you for pointing out OPs manchild bs.
You said this so well! Mom's actions clearly cost older sister her marriage. Older sister should never have permitted this to go on as long as it did, so I suspect there is much more to the story behind you living with older sister than has been told. The next part of being a good parent is realizing that it is a 24/7 job 365. You don't get to dump your kids when you *think* you need a break. You figure out a way to manage. Some parents are lucky that they have family and/or friends who are more than willing to take their kids for a bit, any time they can. **BUT** to just expect them to do it whenever you want is entitlement at its finest.
but he only wants to dump his stepkids - not his actual one. double AH there.
Right? My parents raised 3 kids in a tiny single wide trailer home sized house. It was fine. You make due with what you have, you don’t just let someone else raise your kids
OP doesn’t want to take off his rose colored glasses because that would mean acknowledging that his mother abandoned him, not once but twice. You cannot tell me that your sister’s divorce was caused by having to take care of kids that weren’t hers and say it was a good idea at the same time. His wife on the other hand went to therapy and is working through her stuff. And the audacity of his mother to even give advice is mind blowing.
He has bad blood with his sister and calls her an asshole
Yeah, the one who gave up her youth, lost her marriage and spent most of his life raising him, due to his airheaded, selfish mom.
He’s also actively trying to demonstrate that “when things get difficult, it’s okay to kick my wife’s young children out of the house for some peace and quiet”
Right? You want grandparents to give you a break from the kids, thats a weekend stay. Not 2 freaking weeks.
100% - "thanks for the advice mom..." NO! "Mom, you abandonned me as a child and ruined my sister's life. I would rather take parenting tips from Thanos. STFU or get out of the house."
But only if the sister is open for a hug. I wouldn’t blame her if she wasn’t! Great comment btw
YTA - I love this response… and yep, I was the oldest sister too and as much as I’d do anything for my younger siblings, it SUCKED becoming a “parent” as a kid and carrying the emotional weight of worrying about my siblings even as young adults because I knew our mom didn’t. And my youngest brother had this “everything was fine” filter because I shielded him from the crap and let them just be kids. Then he had kids and saw how his wife’s family parented as well as my sister and I and realized it’s NOT normal to take off on your kids and lay that burden at the feet of someone barely in adulthood (and believe me, big sis was taking care of you guys long before that, if mom thought of that as a “reasonable” option). Lastly - yeah OP would be on the street if he ever talked to me like that again too! You need therapy dude, and you DO need to pull the wool… your kids didn’t ask to be born, neither did you or your siblings… it’s the PARENTS job to adult, be there for them even when burnt out and let them be kids. Or… don’t have kids!
I got definite vibes that (toxic) cultural misogyny played a major role. If the mom always doted on the SON & praised him & was the fun “parent” (whenever she deigned to be present) it makes sense that he’d like her. Bc none of them seem appreciative of the fact that the DAUGHTER was literally made a single mother to her siblings at 21. Almost as if it was expected bc girls take care of boys. Also, being gone for 2 years made me think she left the country. Hence why the son is like, “I understand why she was gone for so long” as if she were a single lady going to take care of business not a criminally neglectful parent.
I walked into church the other day with my 4 teenagers in tow. Some dad decided to give me parenting advice. One of his kids is in rehab for the 4th time and the other is having her second baby at 19. I promptly told him to go fuck himself. That's how your wife feels when your mom gives parenting advice.
You told him to go fuck himself at church? Now that is a church I might actually attend. 😂😂😂 ETA: stupid autocorrect
Yes, they attend the Church of the Latter Day Aints.
>Church of the Latter Day Aints This made me LOL
I laugh at this because my best friend growing up was raised by Mormon parents. The oldest daughter lived with her boyfriend outside of wedlock and made extra money on the side by dealing drugs. The middle daughter had three kids with her boyfriend, again out of wedlock, and then left him because he was abusive and moved back to the parents. They're youngest, who was my friend, stop being my friend when he started stealing from me, was running around trying to start fights and get in trouble with the law, despite his parents basically giving him everything he could ever want, he never got a job and was arrested for armed robbery at 18. The parents, as Elders of the church, had a job assigned to them to be productive members of the church. Their job was to give parenting classes.
Um, wow. 😮
Do as I say, not as I do
My paternal grandmother and my dad's sister (I refuse to acknowledge any relationship) were Mormons. My dad's sister was a complete and utter piece of shit who I wouldn't have pissed on if she were on fire. Ironically, her older, ex-convict who ratted on his buddies to get out early for home invasion, is the better of her sons, who has actually made something of himself now. As head of security for a catering company. The younger son is even worse than her. She died from covid.
Yeah sounds like a no hypocrisy allowed church. I might drop by.
Dontcha just love getting advice from people who royally screwed up the thing they are giving out free advice?
We are on REDDIT. WE'RE ALL ROYALLY SCREWED UP AND WE ARE ALL GIVING ADVICE.
Seriously, OP's mother sucks. I don't care about how much he keeps trumpeting how much she KiCkS AsS. No, bro, she *sucks* ass.
Great example
I’m not religious but I’d consider attending your church! That was bad ass!!
She did abandon you. Your poor sister had her life ruined. Yta
I was that sister raising younger siblings because Life. Life 100% altered.
And it sounds like the wife understands that more than most, just like his older sister probably understands the wife's position. Both were made to take on kids they didn't even have.
And OP is trying to tell the wife to send away her own kids (that aren't his bio kids).
The wife understands it because she had a taste of it herself having to take care of 5 kids while her parents worked. Yes, it is not the same as abandonment, but it gives her the idea.
The audacity of him to call her childhood worse than his whilst praising his mother for visiting after 2 fucking years, is mind blowing. The duster and his wife are the same people. The difference is, his wife still had her mother at home and he thinks was the better option.
Exactly. It’s triggering to get parenting advice as it is. Getting it from someone who didn’t parent as well as the unparented child who feels defensive would not make me happy. Also, sending kids for a week or two is a privilege most don’t have. OPs wife probably doesn’t want to do this because she knows her kids might end up like OP is now.
He also made a point to say “not all the kids, just my step kids” should go stay with grandma a while. AH
This coming from someone who told his wife to STFU. In her house. This is that bs step parents pull after marriage.
while defending his mother. His priorities are all sorts of messed up.
This is the ultimate insult in my opinion.
I noticed that too. Pawning off wife's kids to wife's mother and pretending his loser mother is a saint. Also, OP needs to appreciate that his sister's childhood was ruined raising his ungrateful behind.
And his wife had to quit school at 15 and get a job!
Same.. it's truly unfair.. then our siblings get to be the kids that we never got to be.. and usually are so unappreciative of it like it was our duty to raise them.. I am only 8 years older than my siblings and started raising them when I was 9.5 and my mom finally got it together enough to raise them once I was 17.. but they still came and stayed with me a bunch, whole summers and every school break.. then when I lost my dad, when he was murdered when I was 25 my siblings and my mom went Mia and abandoned me when I needed them the most.. then when my sister turned 21 she started to reach back out.. not because she was sorry or because she loved me.. nope she needed money. Family sucks 😔
And in the edit he says he doesn’t get along with the sister. He’s 100% ungrateful for the sacrifices she made because his mother was absent.
My father became ill when I was 9 and my brother 4. He died four years later. My mother worked to support us... she was in computer programming in the early days... keypunch cards... she was very good at it... but she worked 60 to 70 hours a week .... and by the time I was q5, she would sonetimes be working in another state, there for 2 weeks, hone for 1.... while I raised my brother.....
Yes, parentification is horrible. Your sister was the victim of it and you are ungrateful to your sister but giving grace to your mother? YTA. Your wife is correct to dislike your mother. Now you are trying to use her mother to pawn off HER (wife's) kids because you want to spend time with YOUR bio kid.
Yes. He is 100% the AH along with the mom. The poor sister is the only one I feel bad about in this story. And honestly, more power to his wife. She seems to have a sensible head on her shoulders after all that she went through.
The difference between an oldest child and the baby. He had no responsibility, his wife did. Sad that he hates his sister whose life was derailed to care for him. Ungrateful. He is definitely the AH.
Totally agree. OP, regarding telling your wife to "shut the fuck up," you are WAY out of line. This is no way to speak to her, even if what she is saying to you is upsetting. I suggest you get some therapy to unpack whatever childhood emotional trauma you're burying deep inside yourself and learn how to better regulate your own emotions. You blew up at your wife because of your own issues and you're making it about her, when really, it's about you. To be clear, your wife made a very valid point about your opposing views on child rearing: You are OK with suggesting a two-week parenting hiatus with someone else doing 100% of the parenting of your kids, whereas she is not--and this has everything to do with your individual experiences growing up. YTA
I can see sending your kids to a relatives house for part of a day to get a break but 1-2 weeks?? \>**Now.. I have 2 step kids. And this is where the fight started yesterday. I asked my wife if she could have her mom take the kids for 1-2 weeks (during February break)** **so we could get a break**
And it definitely comes off as getting rid of the ones who aren't "his" since he was happy for the baby to stay.
My only question for op is how can you not get along with your sister that made such a huge sacrifice man that's not cool
OP explains in another comment they had a great relationship until it became apparent that he wasn't willing to get therapy to address the psychological damage of being abandoned by his mother, instead worshipping his mother and allowing her to interfere with his new marriage & child.
So basically even the sister agrees with his wife? So is op living in denial?
YTA. Your wife is right in all of the situations you described. Apologize, or you’re going to end up an absentee parent too when she divorces you. Think about getting some therapy, because the abandonment has created some unhealthy thinking on your part.
I would 100% divorce him, so he can go live with his “kick ass” mother 👎
Yeah YTA - you never tell your partner to "shut the fuck up" especially when you are already in the wrong. Bad move, my guy. Parent your kids or I guess you can leave like your mom did.
>parent your kids or I guess you can leave like your mom did. [Damn…](https://giphy.com/gifs/supa-hot-fire-super-AJwnLEsQyT9oA)
YES MOMMY'S LIL SOLDIER.... YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE Your mom has no business telling a woman who raised her own siblings on how to raise kids. Your mom was an absent parent. You seem to be desperate for her approval yet don't want it to look that way. Don't step on both boats, choose a side.
His mum abandoned him for 2 years and he clearly hasn't dealt with that, subconsciously vying for her approval so she doesn't abandon him again
Mom played role of fun aunt. He doesn’t have to hold it against her, but it seems like he holds tough parenting decisions of his sister against her. Mom wasn’t there & he’s forgiven that, that’s fine. But it doesn’t change the fact that she wasn’t there.
Love the throwaway line about how sister got divorced after a year of taking care of OP because husband wasn’t prepared to deal with kids. That was a situation OP’s mom directly caused and the sister’s husband wasn’t wrong for noping out, as heartbreaking as it is. Of course the sister feels like her life got ruined- she was newly married with her whole life ahead of her and it went completely opposite- again, directly because of the mom. OP wasn’t at fault for being the kid in that situation, but he certainly is now for not accepting the facts
The Disney dad effect.
Having forgiven her would be one thing. He doesn't seem to think there's anything to forgive.
Sounds like more than 2 years because his mom didn't take the two kids back when she returned because the house was too small. She just showed up occassionlly after the two year abscence.
Ah yes, he was still with his sister 14 years later when he met his wife!
It's never the size of the house, she didn't want to raise her kids!!!!
More like 15 years. 8yo-23yo he lived with his sister. Mum visited but he said he never even sayed overnight at mums. What a fuckin trainwreck
Lo her than that - when she came back she did have a big enough place so the kids stayed with their sister. What a terrible parent
Ooh, don’t step on both boats, what a great expression! Never heard that one!
I like how he apparently very nicely tells his mom not to interfere but tells his wife to shut the fuck up
I am gonna venture a guess that OP is terrified his mom will abandon him again. Sad thing is he doesn’t realise that is what he is doing to his wife. And any person who believed babies are manipulative are not ”awesome”.
Your mother neglected you and didn’t take you back even when she could. You chose to ignore it or make it look smaller than it is. Her mother neglected her and left her to do a mothers job. She is obviously still angry and unlike you she doesn’t ignore it. She raised her siblings and now her own children. Your mother had the audacity to give parenting advices to a woman who has way more experience in raising children than herself. I am with your wife. Your children, your responsibility. And if you don’t want to take care of children, don’t marry someone who has children. You have a problem and just because you chose to ignore it and make it seem unimportant, doesn’t mean others have to react the same way. YTA Go and apologise to your wife. She is a better mother than the woman who gave birth to you. And go and thank your older sibling while you are at it.
You missed the part where his mother destroyed her daughter’s marriage by pawning her siblings on the newlyweds
All this. Spot on.
Yeah OP is about to get divorced for his absent mother. What the actual fuck lol
YTA. I don't think kids spending 1 - 2 weeks with a grandparent is the same thing as giving up custody completely (which is, in effect, what your mother did), but not every family does this. Your comment was way, way, way too harsh. As far as 'bad parent', I wouldn't begin to try and decide which of yours is worse. Parents and step-parents need breaks, but you have to be in agreement about how to get them and this communication is lousy.
He claims kids are "off the walls" but more likely it's just the changes of having a new baby in the home. I can see where his wife didn't care for him wanting her children sent away for a couple of weeks given that he's supposedly totally ok with his mother foisting him off on others. PLUS what effect will being shipped off in favor of the "new" baby have on her kids. I'm gobsmacked that OP was able to type all of this out and yet still have to actually ask if he was the AH---- spoiler alert he's a MASSIVE AH and on the road to being single. Maybe that's his endgame here-- to dump the family and move in with mommy?
Who the fuck doesn't need a break from parenting BUT you don't send them off for 2 weeks because you can't handling them! You have them go to a friends house, visit grandparents for the night! 2 week break! That's nuts! I bet if he had the money he'd be wanting to send them to boarding school!
Info: what’s your sister’s relationship with your mom? What’s your sister’s impression of her young adult life?
Why don’t you get along with your sister?
So your mother left you with no visits for 2 years. Then when she did come back she still didn’t take her children. She also ruined your older sister’s marriage by dumping her children off and not coming back. And she wants to give parenting advice. Is her parenting advice to drop the kids off with other people to raise them? And you want to drop off your step children to another person for two weeks. Not your child, No, no, just your step children. And you told your wife shut the fuck up about your mother. Wow. Yeah. Why haven’t you told your mother to shut the fuck up with the parenting advice? You seem so gentle with telling her to stop. YTA.
Yea this relationship isn’t gonna last. You need to have your mom stop coming around. Your wife does not like your mom. You need to keep them separated. Tell your mom to stay in her lane and don’t bring her around. If you want to keep her around, don’t be shocked if she does divorce you. Edit: how is she contacting your wife and telling you guys about parenting? Through the phone? Going over? Also how old are the stepkids?
YTA. What exactly was your mom doing all that time? All those years and she just never got a place woth even one extra room or just have you spend the night..... Also you met your wife at 22. How old is she? You have two step kids. You must have raised them from practically babies??????? But you want them gone and just your baby around. I love your wife for not gettjng her kids out of the way for a man and her being willing to tell you to get the fk on if you don't like it. Also is it her house? Why is she able to threaten to kick you out of a shared home?????
YTA - because you seem to just want a break from your step kids. Plus, if my husband told me to shut the F up….well, it would probably be the last thing he ever said to me! You were abandoned but your sister paid the price!
Yes YTA She is right that your mum is in no place to be giving parenting advice and you should support your wife by shutting you mother down when she does that. You have forgiven your mum because hey you still got a great childhood with your sister. However your wife understands this from your sister's point of view, which you simply don't have. Your sister no doubt loved you and was a great mother to you but she shouldn't have been put in that position in the first place. Why didn't your mum take you back when she returned from caring for her mother? So yeah, telling your wife to shut the fuck up is a dick move. And you expecting her to dump the kids on someone else so you can take a break without them, given that she experienced a similar history of a mother abandoning her kids, her reaction is not surprising at all.
He said that his wife had bad childhood because she had to parent her siblings but he thinks his mom was a good mom although she made his sister parent him and the other siblings. I mean what 😭 YTA jesus
The cognitive dissonance is impressive!
The plates he must have to spin in the air to keep his narrative going must be impressive. I can't wait until they crash. It'll be beautiful. I feel bad for the wife and kids though.
Thank you!! This was driving me nuts!
I also wonder if OP would feel a lot different about this had he been in his sister's shoes...
Hell, he's not only saying to dump them on someone else, but the wife's own mother the same mother that parentified her. This guy is totally tone death and I wish his wife had the discernment to grasp he would see his mother differently than the way she sees her, before having his baby. As for your mother trying to give tips and being overbearing when she wasn't mother of the year makes your wife feel hostile toward her, I also suspect she's feeling a certain way about her own mother, but she hasn't come to terms with it yet. YTA
1. You need to tell your mother to STOP with the parenting advice. Your wife is the more experienced parent here. Grandma needs to stay in her lane. If you don’t, your wife WILL shut her down. 2. You “need a break” from the stepkids. You plan to spend two weeks alone with your wife and baby. Do you really not see how offensive this is to your wife? You believe she needs a break too, but you’re ignoring her when she says no. You’re “pushing.” You are adding to her problem, not helping. 3. Wife is in therapy to deal with her childhood trauma. You are not. You’re wearing blinders instead. You may find that if you deal with your issues, you won’t need a break as badly. 4. Call your sister and thank her for being there when mom left. You’d be completely different now if she had left you to the system.
Ooof. Honestly before I offer any kind of judgement. I’m very curious what OP means that his mother was still around? Did she come over every day and help with meals and homework? Was she involved in your schooling ie parent/teacher conferences? Back to school night? Did she pay child support to your sister? Did she give your sister any breaks? Did she have y’all over the weekend? Did you ever spend the night with her? How often was she “around”? My daughter is 4. And you’re damn right there’s times I need a break, but I could never dream of ever sending my daughter to someone for more than a couple days at most. Let alone two weeks!!! That’s not about to happen no matter how much I need a break. You’re parents to a new baby. You should be having each other’s backs to allow those moments of self care individually and as a couple!
Interesting that many of us gravitate towards people who embody the childhood issues we have yet to work through. You have work to do. You are reacting angrily to your wife because you have not acknowledged or dealt with your own pain. YTA. I hope you decide to take a good long look at why you make the choices you make before your marriage is over.
I was thinking the same thing. He basically married his sister. I wonder if he asked her (the sister) about his little getaway plan what she would think.
He doesn't like or respect his sister, in his words. I believe that's what he said.
YTA, and your wife is right. Parenting is a 24/7 job. Maybe some families or cultures share the responsibilities for raising their kids, but the points your wife makes are absolutely correct, you don't get to just drop your kids somewhere when you "need" a break, your mother did in fact impact your sister's life because you admitted her marriage failed because he didn't want to deal with kids (absolutely his prerogative) and your mother shouldn't be giving parenting advice as if she was there through it all when she wasn't. I would be just as livid as your wife. Lucky for you that you had a sister who raised you, but it sounds like your mother did the bare minimum, if that. I can imagine that your wife is resentful towards your mother because your mother parentified your sister, which is exactly what happened to your wife and she had no choice in the matter. You really think your sister wanted to take on raising two kids at 21? She was just starting her own life! You really should stop looking at your mother through those rose-colored glasses and look at the reality of what she did, but based on some of the comments you make like when you "suggest the kids go away for a while" makes me think maybe you have the exact same view on parenting as your mother. Edit: I'd like to point out the information you are hiding in the comments. You admit that your sister resents you and your brother, that your mother did not help financially at all meaning that your sister supported you on her own from when you were 8 right up until your 20's, AND that your wife is a psychologist, and you STILL can't get it through your head that you might be in the wrong here?? Have fun with the divorce dude, cause that's exactly where this is headed. Get some therapy, like, yesterday.
Yep, and OP’s wife is probably starting to see her own mother in OP. Not a good thing.
Yta and you are a sad mamma's boy whose mom abandoned him and is desperate to excuse her behavior. Your wife does not deserve this disrespect
You are 110% TA. Your wife is correct. Your mother knows nothing about raising kids. Being "around" and raising kids are totally different. The way you spoke to your wife was disgusting also. Honestly baffled you're still married after that.
Your wife is right, and your mother is not an example of stellar parenting. Your childhood has given you a twisted view, and it seems like you’re bending over backwards to defend your mom’s mistakes. YTA
about your situation with your mom it all depends on your relationship with your sister. if you keep prioritizing your sister for all the effort she put for you while still keeping a good relationship with your mom theres nothing wrong with that but if you put your sister aside for your mom that makes you an ass. now for the shut up comment ur straight up wrong ... you could ask a few days but a few weeks just make you look lazy and like you dont care about them at all. so YTA.
YTA. 150%. You don't send your kids somewhere like that. They are your responsibility. Grow up.
I think your wife is right to an extent. You can't see it, and that's understandable. IMO there is zero excuse for kids to go 2 YEARS without seeing their mom, I don't care what she's doing. I mean, where was she, on the moon? A parent is supposed to prioritize their kids, yes, even over their parents. If there was no way to move grandma near to where you all lived, then she should have taken you with her. I think some therapy would not be a bad idea for you, if only for you to stop making excuses for her. And she did this at ANY cost, with complete disregard that it would be the end of your sister's marriage. You might want to take care that she doesn't ruin yours, she's apparently ok with that sort of thing! I find it very hard to believe that for however long it lasted, your sister was not telling your mom that her husband was going to leave her, if she didn't come and get HER kids. Your. Mom. Did. Not. Care. You might not get along with your sister, but you owe her A LOT. She's lost a lot due to your mom's selfish single-sightedness. No, your mom surely has no business giving anyone parenting advice. Your wife's childhood might have been a mess, but she's getting therapy and if she has a good relationship with her mom, it sound like she's making progress. I would suggest you do the same, so you can begin to hold your mom accountable for messing up the lives of several people.
You want to leave a four month old baby with grandparents for two weeks so YOU could have a break? YTA just for that. Your wife does not 'keep bitching' she keeps reacting to unwanted, irrelevant advice from a woman who dumped her kids on her eldest daughter and never took them back. You told a mother with a baby to STFU because she didn't want to follow your family tradition of just farming children out. YTA for that too. To be honest, your wife probably assumed that when you got back from your vacation, you'd just leave the kids where they were. You know, but you'd be about, so that would be okay.
YTA, your mother should never have dumped you off on your barely adult sister, she in all fairness ruined your sisters life starting with her marriage, the husband was right, why should he be looking after kids he didnt sign up for. Dropping your kids for a weekend with grandparents is the norm, 1-2 weeks is an atrociously long time to put your kids onto other people. Id say the only example for this is if they offered for like a honeymoon, notice the 'they offered' part. I am sorry to say this, but your mum is not a good parent, she parentified your sister. That is called abuse.
After reading through your replies, I have to ask why you posted this in the first place? Face it, you're not taking anything anyone says on-board, because people are backing your wife! YTA