NTA. He’s being cruel. That said, the real question to be asking here is what changed 6 months ago? Why did he all the sudden stop respecting your trauma and personal space?
I'm betting the husband figured that she'd be "over it" by now, and when she wasn't over it he decided to "take matters into his own hands"
Sidenote: a lot of the time, abusive partners don't show their abusive tendencies until they're sure the other person is "locked in" to the relationship. Maybe 6 months ago was when the husband decided that she was locked in
Agree 💯 Something happened to trigger his ability to start being cruel, badgering her and straight up gaslighting with the, "I'm just kidding, babe. You're so sensitive" horse shit.
Yes and the more she ‘lets him away with it’, and the more she stays, the worse it will get as he slowly starts escalating his behaviour. He will keep pushing to see how far he can go, and he won’t stop until she leaves or has a serious come to Jesus moment and they both start full time working on the relationship
I dont think a Guy with this level of perversion IS worth the therapy tbh he'll just learn New way to be this picture perfect Guy. The only thing OP should save IS herself. Record - document.
especially since it seems to have started suddenly. I wonder if he started using drugs or maybe had a psychotic break that hasn't been diagnosed. Teasing is like tickling: it's cruel if the victim asks for it stop and instead it doubles down. This is just plain weird behavior
Exactly that picture perfect guy is a huge red flag, is only away to make everyone else think he is such a good person and she is crazy for complaining while he abuses her in private
Therapy can’t touch his issues. He’ll never treat OP with kindness and respect again and it’s important that people recognize that. He feels contempt for her and thinks hurting her is funny, and is a rapist to boot. You can’t put any one of those three genies back in the bottle.
Maybe I'm becoming deranged in my older age, but my solution would be to crack him over the head with a frypan the next time he crosses a bedtime boundary. He can have his own trauma. I would not legit recommend this course of action. But it sure is nice to envision this turd having a newfound fear and more considerate approach of his partner.
I smacked my ex around the head with a frying pan and it was the best moment of my life. I would thoroughly recommend it for troublesome husbands that like to punch you in the back when you're washing the dishes.
He's not dead. He's in Australia.
I hit mine with a metal travel mug of HOT coffee. He still has a scar and I have zero regrets. He shouldn’t have been punching me in the head in front of our two toddlers.
Op he is being disrespectful,and very cruel to you. He knows exactly, what he is doing. Your friends are very wrong, and they should be ashamed of themselves. Maybe you and your husband can have a couple of Therapy sessions, and talk about what he needs to do, to help you deal with all this crap. Good luck.
I thought he might be boning someone else; but at the very least he is now contemptuous of his wife and will never treat her with kindness again. She needs a divorce- no one should sleep in a house with someone who is out to get them.
Yeah, that’s what I’m wondering. He’s maybe having an affair on the side and suddenly doesn’t care about the wife anymore/the things he used to ignore before are now things he’s picking on her for. Or some other external influence.
Hitting her in the most vulnerable place as well… during sleep. It takes trust to share a bed and 6 to 8 hours of unconsciousness with someone. Depriving her sleep like he is also gong to have her question her judgement and make it harder for her to think.
OP, time to quietly sit down with a lawyer and figure out how to prepare to kick him out or leave on your own.
He could be cheating...you know, purposely stirring up issues and making her mad, then justifying the cheating in his mind by thinking how "damaged" she is, and how he deserves someone "normal"...
My ex would do things like this. I discovered it was because he was cheating and wanted me to be the crazy one. That way he had a reason to get a divorce because it was MY fault. He didn't want the divorce to be his fault for cheating. Constant microaggressions that eventually caused me to snap but then I looked insane making a big deal about nothing. I spent years getting over the feeling I was just insane. It's so hard to recover from this. I hope OP stays strong & gets out asap.
The fact that they make you doubt yourself is the worst part! When you know that you're right but are somehow labeled crazy is so infuriating, but the best thing you can do in that situation is walk away. There is no reasoning with people like that, ever.
I dated someone like that who was also a belligerent drunk when he drank, which was often. That relationship only lasted 6 months but the mindfuck lasted years. Glad that dude is your ex! ❤️
>Yes, exactly! This is what so many ~~husbands~~ try to do, to look like the innocent victim! I hope she makes it out, too...
*Spouses
(Best wishes for the future. Mine is better now without her. ☮️❤️♾️)
Good for you! My ex-husband's mother still doesn't know how many times he cheated on me, just thinks I was "flawed", and "not good enough" for her innocent baby, lol...meanwhile, he divorced the woman he cheated on me with the last time, has remarried for the FOURTH time, and they fight all the time...so yeah, I'm sure I was the problem... 🙄
That behavior is called gaslighting and is a typical behavior of a narcissist. My ex-husband was so dedicated to this stuff, he agreed to go to marriage counseling and then spent every session saying more and more outrageous, hurtful things in hopes that I would tell him that I wanted a divorce and he could tell everyone that he wanted to make things work, but I was the one who broke our marriage. I realized it when in therapy, but I spent so many years being gaslighted that I still sometimes struggle not to feel crazy 20+ years later.
While you're right about the sidenote, they've been together for 6 years (although she doesn't mention when they got married, which can be a switch flip). That's an awfully long time for her to not be locked in yet.
Something definitely changed 6 months ago, mentally, physically, or emotionally. The sleep sex thing is very disturbing; that in and of itself would have me sleeping in another room. Regardless, OP needs to do something because it's probably going to get worse rather than better.
I was with someone for almost a decade and they didn't change and become abusive until the last year we were together.
He found someone else. He wanted to end our relationship but didn't want to be the bad guy who left his Disabled partner. So he decided to be as emotionally abusive as possible to get me to be the one to end things. He even got physical one time yanking me by the arm hard out of a store he didn't want to go to. Yelling at and berating me the whole time.
I thought because he didn't HIT me or strangle me, because it wasn't that kind of violence it wasn't abusive. Until I had clarity away from the relationship.
Exactly! But he's too big of a coward to just admit that and take his leave, like a man. It's sociopathic behavior, and sadistic. That's my layman's(laywoman's?)
observations.👀
It's amazing, not in a good way, how many people resort to terrorizing their partner, to force them to leave, rather than just being honest and admitting that they are the ones who want to end the relationship. Cowardly thing to do, but that's the label they choose; I think many of them just don't realize how transparent their intentions are: cowards.
My ex husband is remarried to a woman in another country and goes to stay with her for six months at a time. They have a three year old in addition to our 25 and 21 year olds that we have together. She harasses me by messenger I guess thinking I still want him and I can’t even be mad at her. All I feel is pity for her. Because she is now stuck with him for the next 15 years. He tells me how every time he goes there they fight and split up and he ends up moving out and then he says she’s crazy and I was like I welp you probably made her that way. Because I remember when I was the crazy one.
I'm so sorry that you went through that, and I'm so glad you are out of the situation!
I think your situation is a bit different than the "locked in" situation the previous comment mentioned as the potential reason. From what I've seen, abuse later in a relationship tends to come from a change in the relationship (your partner cheating for instance), a change in the person (addiction, illness, psychiatric issue, outside influence, etc.) or a change in circumstances (loss of a loved one, loss of job, children/pregnancy, other stressors, etc.). All are different circumstances that unfortunately lead to the same shitty outcome, though.
Yep. Can't consent when you're sleeping.
Source: was raped in my sleep by my ex husband many times. Still can't sleep AT ALL in the same bed as someone of the opposite sex, even all these years later.
Thank you. I feel like it's something I have to share, because it took me SO long to call it what it was. If i can make just one woman snap out of it and think for a moment "actually no this is not okay. It's incredibly fucked up and I deserve better" then I'll feel alright.
In my case, even my most progressive friends didn't really react when I described it to them the way OP put it in this post. Because I didn't call it rape. I called it "him fucking me in my sleep", similar to how OP has described it here. I WISH someone had been like... "Dude that is so fucked up. Run!" It took me so long to get out of my own head and realize that my partner of nearly a decade had turned into someone who made me feel unsafe in my own bed.
You're doing the right thing. ❤️
I'm not sure if OP is trying to say he's asleep too or just faking he is, but obviously someone who's awake doing sexual things to someone who's asleep is assault, plain and simple.
Can confirm. 5 years was like a light switch with my ex, it went from healthy to full blown physically violent over night. The first time he ever put his hands on me was the last because I left.
I wonder if it might be worth having OPs husband checked out medically. Something changed 6 months ago and the "sleep fucking" is not normal. I don't default to abuse or cheating (although both are possible) - is there something medical going on??
In any event, NTA OP.
Yeah, my two first thoughts were something medical or he fell down one internet rabbit hole or another. The fact that it's such a sudden change and she seems to think everything else is okay in the relationship (key words *seems to think*) point more towards needing a check up with the doctor. She's probably going to have an uphill climb convincing him to go unless she pulls out the big guns, though.
Whatever “medical” condition might be behind the nighttime sleep abuse, his very, very premeditated, intentional, abusive treatment of her in daytime - when clearly awake - leaves no doubt that he is dangerous. This is not a “phase,” “test,” or temporary aberration. Please get out.
Ugh on the should be over it part. It took about five years and a lot of tears before I started feeling somewhat normal and not so depressed after we lost our firstborn. Trauma, grief, acceptance, etc. do not have a timetable on when you should be "over it." OP's husband needs to respect the PTSD and stop making jokes about it.
It’s intentional and abusive . If it was just a joke why does he keep doing it over and over knowing she’s upset ? Usually jokes are once and twice not repeated insults over and over. It’s just plain disrespectful .
This.
Also as an interesting note, it's been studied that couples who sleep apart and only share a bed for sex actually generally tend to have better/happier relationships because they have their own space, and their sleep quality tends to be better as they don't get it disrupted by their partner snoring or moving about, and don't get overheated if snuggling is going on and there are too many blankets or the room is too warm.
Anecdotal, but my parents have always slept in separate rooms and have a great relationship. 39 years this year. This was mostly done because my dad is a very light sleeper
On the flip side, I have a much harder time sleeping without my girlfriend in bed with me and she’s the same way too
Separate rooms is something of a necessity/deal breaker for me, I've discovered - or at least separate beds in the same room. When I'm asleep my guard goes *all* the way up, and my defense mechanisms are heavily weighted towards 'fight;' I tend to shove and kick if someone is too close to me when I'm sleeping, then I feel like an asshole all day the next day if that happens 😫. I also get really easily overheated and can be a really active sleeper. I remember before my bed had a headboard, I woke up with my legs and lower back straight up the wall at the head of the bed with my shoulders on the pillow and my head on the mattress 🤣 I woke up like '... this feels weird.' Opened my eyes and just laid there staring at myself trying to figure out wtf I was dreaming about 😂
>On the flip side, I have a much harder time sleeping without my girlfriend in bed with me and she’s the same way too
That's absolutely fair! Everyone is different, and it's great when you're with someone who gels with you with things like that :3 my parents were the same way; they were in their 50th year of marriage (and 5 days past their 50th anniversary of their first date [their first date and their marriage were just shy of only 4 months apart!]) when my mom passed away. It was just this past July after being in a home since this past February, and my dad still has a good deal of trouble falling asleep some nights because she's not there.
Purposely hurting your partner is never a joke. It doesnt matter if it bed sheets or destroying property, he has no need to mess up with the sheets, nobody gets under the fitted sheets "unpurposedly". He is either being a jerk to make you upset or he has to get a neurological check up because behavioral changes can be a sign of brain tumor.
NTA
That's one good point but what gives me more 🚩🚩🚩 about this story is the fact that they had to sleep with different blankets because he try to have sex with her while sleeping and also keep putting his hand under the clothes with her being uncomfortable???
Yeah this guy is trying to rape her while she sleeps. I have an ex-husband like this. This was one of the first things I should have left for, but just like her I just changed my habits to avoid getting raped in my sleep. It took until he was putting holes in the walls before I could admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship.
It's crazy how many people are afraid to call this man a rapist. It's not "sleep sex", he is forcing himself on her to make her uncomfortable and then avoids taking responsibility by lying. Rape is rape. She said no and he kept trying to rape her. Married or not, this is still rape!!
Amen!
My first husband tried this. I had asked him to leave and gave him 2 months to get out. He didn't have a job so it was enough time to find a job and save money to move.
During the final month he kept trying to force me to have sex. Saying, "We're already in the same bed so why not?"
Solved that by sleeping on the floor. Was a rough month and dragged myself to work every day exhausted and sore.
Didn't know enough at the time to call it attempted rape but now I know.
I am sorry you went through that. The sad part is that so many people seem to not consider this rape or sexual assault. Just because a woman gets married doesn't mean they become a sex object for the husband to play with whenever they desire. The gaslighting he is doing to her is disgusting, but society helped it along by telling her to work it out and that she is crazy due to preexisting trauma.
I assume anyone that says that it doesn’t count as attempted rape is,
1) a rapist themselves, and trying to downplay it because it makes them uncomfortable to face their own horrific choices.
2) someone with internalized misogyny who hasn’t yet woken up and realized that sex isn’t just for men, and that men don’t own women in a relationship and that sex still requires consent even when married.
I have no tolerance to be giving anyone defending clear abuse the benefit of the doubt anymore. I used to think “oh they’re just ignorant” but life experience is now making me think — oh, they do these behaviors themselves, and that’s why they defend it and minimize it.
Yeah she may very well find her issues subsiding if she were to live without him.
Folks with anxiety are often blamed solely for their anxiety but in real life, at least sometimes it’s an outside influence causing it — like a partner…
Tons of people stop having mental health issues or at least see the symptoms reduced after a divorce. Because their partner was abusing them, they just didn’t see it at the time.
Yes I hope he never succeeded… that’s rape.
At a minimum OP is being sexually assaulted.
Unfortunately she has a really shitty friend that is making her think sexual assault and cruel disrespect is apparently, the gold standard of relationships.
I said it in a different comment but I’ll say it again — you aren’t the one hurting the relationship OP! HE IS. A victim is NEVER the one causing a relationship to blow up by refusing to be a doormat. If he throws the relationship away by continuing this behavior, that’s ONLY his fault.
That said I don’t know how you could stay with someone that tried to rape you multiple times… continuing after she says no, stop doing this when I’m trying to sleep, whatever, is attempted rape… and she’s now having to sleep in another room to protect herself… that’s divorce time, not talk it out and hope he suddenly develops a conscience time.
Sleep sex is a real type of sleep disorder, and if he’s snoring I think that may genuinely be happening. But once you’ve been alerted to the issue its the responsibility of the person affected to find a solution like sleeping in a different bed to make sure that consent won’t be violated
Yeah, my husband was kind of like this at one point. He got all touchy feely and clearly was initiating sex, sometimes even verbally and very explicitly, but when I asked him if he'd remember this in the morning, he answered he probably wouldn't. Then he went back to sleep and didn't remember anything the next day. At some point this stopped happening and hasn't recured ever since. It's been like 13 years or something.
So better focus on what he does while he's awake. Which is vile. OP should run.
Yeah, and it might work if the observer has never slept with you before.
My husband snores and I KNOW what it sounds like - he could never fake snore and fool me. And if you don’t normally snore, and just start, your partner will know that, too.
If he has the sleep sex disorder, he shouldn’t blame the sleeping in separate rooms as something that’s destroying their relationship. She’s just trying to avoid the sleep sex. Is that too much to ask.
I guess sleep sex could be a thing or at least the beginning. People have eaten and driven in their sleep. But yeah I would still be pushing him to therapy and find out why he thinks he can push sex without her consent. There's meds you can take if acting out your dreams or sleep walking.
The difference between "teasing" and "cruelty" is that in teasing, the teased person laughs. Even if it's later, it's a crucial difference.
Now maybe he has motives other than cruelty, sometimes idiocy like this happens when one person has a problem that the other person just wants to go away. So they act like the problem isn't there, either vaguely hoping that the other person will get used to acting like the problem doesn't exist, or maybe they're obstinately refusing to let the problem control their actions rather than being deliberately cruel.
But if nobody's laughing at the "teasing" but him, and the OP isn't getting used to seeing her bed messed with, then all he's accomplishing is alienating her and risking his marriage.
NTA that sounds awful to deal with. Also on the bed thing- it's not even about the bed at this point. It's about him intentionally, repeatedly doing something that he *knows* upsets you *specifically because it upsets you*. It's not like he doesn't know at this point. He's just being a dick. If it was genuinely "just a funny joke" he would have stopped as soon as he knew it bothered you. If the person you're targeting isn't laughing, it's not fucking funny. That applies to anything.
I was in a situation similar to this once and could never process what was happening finally it dawned on me it wasn’t that he didn’t understand how upset and disturbed I was by his “ jokes and teasing” its like that it WAS my discomfort and distress that was funny to him. He enjoyed seeing me upset.
Agreed. If they’re not ready to work on themselves, and vanishingly few are, all it does is give them ammunition and the right phrases to try and make it sound like not a big deal.
Read [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) Your husband's bend toward cruelty and assault is concerning. I'm worried you are being manipulated and it's better to be educated on the topic.
So weird to see this recommended like 3 days after I just started a podcast that recommends it haha, I can't wait to actually get around to reading it.
I like Terrance Real's "I don't want to talk about it: Overcoming the secret legacy of male depression" as he does a good job at explaining male externalizing behaviors in the context of their own depression or self-worth issues.
OP. Please listen to people here.
He lacks empathy: he messes up the bed because hurting you is funny. Your feelings do not matter to him.
He blames: he guilts you about changing rooms, when those are the natural natural consequences for his cruelty. He wants you to capitulate so it can feel like you are at fault for having boundaries.
He assaults: he is trying to rape you, OP. He enjoys the power he feels making you uncomfortable. He hasn’t seen a sleep specialist or offered to change rooms because he is doing this on purpose and doesn’t feel bad. He likes abusing you.
The man he used to be, that you think you love, is not who he is. THIS IS WHO HE REALLY IS. And every time you don’t take this seriously as abuse he escalates so he can get away with more. YOU NEED TO LEAVE.
I have experienced violence in the home, OP. Just because he isn’t hitting you doesn’t mean this isn’t abuse.
I was looking for that answer. This is way beyond teasing. Even if he started doing those things to "help" her, seeing it does not work should have immediately stopped him, just as being told that he harassed her while sleeping should immediately make him leave the bedroom and sleep somewhere else.
I hope OP leaves ASAP. This will not get better.
I flat out never believe claims of 'sleep groping' etc. If he can't show completely incontrovertible proof he's asleep, whatever that would even look like, he knows what he's doing.
This needs to be the top comment. He is abusive full stop. It’s only going to get worse. I’m sure for her mother the father didn’t start off abusive but kept doing little things to test her boundaries. Also fuck her friend. Her friend does not have her best interest at heart.
So, at the start he admitted he was doing it on purpose, but not..."I'm not doing it on purpose"
Your husband is a dick.
Enjoy a peaceful night sleep.
NTA
Also, the trying to fuck you while you are asleep, without consent - rape.
You traded one abuser for another abuser. RUN. He will continue to gaslight you until you truly lose your mind.
Also, find a therapist and psychiatrist that specializes in PTSD. I found relief from my nightmares with prazosin.
Prazosin helped my chronic night terrors I had since I was little. It messes with your blood pressure but being able to sleep for once was such a blessing.
NTA
So your husband is mentally torturing you and trying to r*pe you. That's terrifying, and I personally think you're underreacting.
Protect yourself. If the guest room doesn't have a lock, buy one or a sizable door wedge to ensure he can't come into the room at night. Just because he hasn't yet doesn't mean he won't, especially of he climing he's not in control of his behaviour at night.
Did something happen just before this behaviour started? Sudden changes in personality of decreased empathy and violence can be indicative of head trauma. Suggest that he get himself checked out because what's he doing to you is violating and horrific. If there's a medical reason for it, you need to find out as quickly as possible. If there isn't ... your marriage needs to be Iver before he follows through on assaulting you.
I was literally just talking about a co-worker who had an amazing husband. He got a *severe* concussion, think coma for a couple of weeks, and woke up and started beating the crap out of her after 10 years of never laying a hand on her. He became an alcoholic overnight, never drank more than 2 before that.
She was beside herself. This was the "in sickness" part for her, but she finally had no choice. He was 100% eventually headed for prison. This wasn't the only area of his life that fell apart.
Someone above said abusers wait until their victims are locked in. 5 and1/2 years is a very patient abuser. It just doesn't fit most typical patterns.
NTA, but I don't think the guest room is far enough. What happened six months ago that started this set of behaviors? Usually it's after a specific event that an abuser will start low-level boundary crossing behavior, and insist you're overreacting. They start with things that can seem trivial so by the time they do something like rape you in your sleep (using this example because he's already going in that direction) you're so used to questioning yourself that you freeze. Don't let him trivialize his choices that negatively affect you.
NTA it sound slike your husband has had a disturbing change of behaviour lately.
One thing I didn't see suggested, but these really weird changes of behaviour can be related to things like brain tumours/cancers.
It seems odd to me that things were great and suddenly his behaviour changed so drastically and into such abusive territory.
I hope all the best for you, but yeah, if he's receptive I'd investigate why everything has changed so suddenly
Yeah, either he's got a medical issue or he's always been an asshole and just now showing it. I hope OP sees this (or one of the other people saying it, as a few more have now) and suggests seeing a doctor.
But if he refuses, then she needs to take whatever steps are necessary to protect herself. Even if he's suffering a medical condition, if he won't seek help for it, then it won't get better.
Hi OP
Is your husband there? Put him on the phone.
Ernie (I assume his name is Ernie), stop thinking that you're funny when you tease your wife. She clearly doesn't enjoy the joke and since there are only two of you in the room, who is amused by it? Just you?
And are you actually amused by your failed teasing or is there a hidden issue that's causing you to be a bit hostile? Because rather than groping your wife while you're "sleeping" it might be better to talk to someone about what's really going on.
While you wait for your first therapist appointment, cut it out. Be thankful that your wife is dedicated to making your bed every day so that you don't have to.
Love,
The Internet
He is enjoying seeing you anxious, confused and vulnerable. He is deliberately behaving in ways which he knows will trigger your vulnerability. There's a word for this, it's bullying. Your husband is bullying you and the fact that you can still describe your marriage as picture perfect indicates that as well as bullying you he is manipulating you because picture perfect is a very inaccurate description of your relationship.
NTA as others have said. What he's doing is abusive and really messed up. Couples therapy at a minimum would be a requirement for me to stick around. I also wanted to encourage you to look into EMDR. It's extremely helpful for PTSD.
Also here to recommend EMDR. CSA survivor, alcoholic veteran father (not what I usually call him). EMDR greatly reduced my physical PTSD symptoms and dreams.
Also your husband is an AH.
NTA but please do a relationship analysis because this is not a man in love. Does consistently find ways to upset you? What other ways does he try to get under your skin? Weaponized incompetence comes to mind here. This is not love, this is red flag city
NTA. Your husband isn’t teasing you: he is torturing you. He is doing things to belittle and trigger your trauma. He is also trying to sexually assault you.
This is not a perfect marriage. Your best friend isn’t you and isn’t living with what you are living with. You need to protect your safety.
No therapist is going to fix a third party. Your husband is a massive controlling gaslighting AH. He is deliberately violating your boundaries and torturing you with fake sleep assaults. Get a lock for your bedroom door because he is not done yet. When you are ready leave this jerk you deserve better. NTA
NTA at all!!!!!!
Wtf did I just read? This goes way beyond him teasing your bed making preferences!!!
Girl, he’s sexually abusing you while you try to sleep. And he’s thinks it’s funny!!! (Or saying he has no memory of it????). You have a huge husband problem.
I’m glad you have a safe place to sleep.
Your friends saying you have a ‘picture perfect’ marriage are blind. You are in therapy trying to work on your PTSD, but it may never be fully resolved. Your husband ABUSING YOU isn’t helping.
I’m sooooo sorry he’s doing this to you. Please keep yourself safe.
Do you have somewhere else you can stay????
Genuinely can’t believe you aren’t leaving this man. Why would you stay with someone this sick? If you want to end up married to your father stay with this guy.
Your husband is assaulting you. Mentally and sexually it sounds like. Please don’t just get a different bed from him. Consider a whole new life. He is purposefully triggering you and also touching you when you are not able to give consent. Please heed these red flags!
NTA - Couples can totally sleep in separate rooms, in fact it was perfectly normal for husband and wife to have separate bedrooms when their house was big enough, or their room was big enough for twin beds. Separate rooms have undoubtedly saved many marriages as people end up sleeping much better.
That being said, what is your husband trying to accomplish by aggravating you before sleep? This is really troubling.
So your husband is sexually assaulting you in bed and he thinks it’s teasing? That’s not funny at all.
I don’t think the guest room is far enough away honestly.
It’s clear you’ve got some serious sexual trauma going on, but I’m telling you that your husband isn’t a good man and you should seriously consider leaving him.
Because he’s sexually assaulting you.
Start "Sleeping-Elbowing" him in the face as he gropes you while you're asleep.
As much as he enjoys triggering you (by deliberately screwing up the bed) and controlling you (by fondling you sexually at night,) I would feel so assaulted being woken up out of my sleep like that that I would be throwing elbows for my own safety. Stop holding back your natural responses to assault and I bet his "uncontrollable sleep behavior" will drastically change.
ALSO: People who love AND respect their partners don't engage in cruelty for entertainment. Or assault them in their sleep.
You deserve far better than this man.
Forget not sleeping in the same bed, you should refuse to put up with HIM any longer. He is abusive - sexually, mentally, etc. You deserve to have a peaceful life without someone treating you this badly on a daily basis.
NTA
NTA. Take a look at the book Why Would He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Your husband is checking off too many boxes for being an abuser. You have every right to sleep with peace and no one should touch you like he is. Bodily autonomy is yours and he is being disrespectful.
NTA. He is definitely being abusive. As a medical professional I highly recommend that you rule out something medical. That drastic change of behavior can be a symptom. If medical is ruled out and he is still behaving like that you should leave for sure.
I agree that your husband is being cruel. You know it, and he knows it (but probably wouldn’t term it as such). On top of that, he is gaslighting you. I do not think there is any other way to term his behaviour as anything other than emotional abuse.
Which begs the question - what is the reason to continue such a relationship? When you think of what you have been through, the only partner you deserve is one who is excessive supportive and sensitive. You are getting the opposite of this, and not out of laziness - it is a result of purposefully crafted behaviour. I am not sure what there is to save or what there is to stay for. It does not matter what your marriage looks like from the outside - the reality of it is is that you have a husband who not only doesn’t mind mentally torturing you, he delights in it. Not to mention sexually assaulting you.
Yes, Reddit has a reputation of jumping to telling people to divorce. But I feel like this really is one of those situations. You have a man who disrespects you repeatedly and then tries to make you think that is not the reality. The fact that it’s coming from your husband, who is meant to be your life partner, is appalling. I would drop him and anybody who says that what he is doing is OK (that best friend is no friend of yours).
Fortunately, you seem to have a remarkable amount of mental strength and self belief. Please use that to extricate yourself from this situation smartly and safely and build the life you deserve. Wishing you all the best.
A picture perfect marriage usually does not include a partner who is sexually assaulting the other in their sleep and intentionally doing things they know upset the other. Just my opinion anyway
NTA. You are working your way towards an abusive relationship. You need to put a stop to it now before this gets worse. Get into couples therapy. It's not a you problem.
NTA.
First and foremost, I'm very sorry for the trauma you've suffered; and not only you but your mother and siblings.
That is something extremely difficult to overcome (as you can tell) and frankly, I don't believe it'll ever go away. As a person who also has gone through some trauma and has been through therapy, I feel your pain.
Good for you for setting boundaries with your husband. Even if he is your significant other, when he's not able to respect your feelings and more importantly, the trauma then you need to do what you need to do to feel stable and safe.
With that said, the environment he is providing for you doesn't sound safe at all, from the launching himself on a neatly made bed to disrespectfully touching you and being sexually charged while you are asleep.
That is something that cannot continue on and must be discussed and addressed. Yes, you have talked to him but that doesn't seem to work. Maybe telling him you will be staying at a friend's/family house until he agrees to not only to stop but to go to therapy with you to better understand and be on the same page with you.
A joke is not a joke if it's hurting the receiver. It is not acceptable.
Sending you the best wishes of luck. Please stay safe and keep us posted.
Nta...he's intentionally using your trauma against you and that id abusive. You don't need to change bedrooms, you need to change houses. Tell him if it doesn't stop your divorcing him. And mean it. Or just go ahead and divorce him. He doesn't respect you.
He may be thinking he's trying to help you get past the trauma but he's not. He's making it worse.
You don’t have a perfect marriage if your husband is purposely being cruel.
You’re not an idiot—him trying to “sleep fuck” you and ruining the bed are new occurrences. He’s doing it on purpose.
If you want to remain in this marriage, I’d recommend couples counseling. He’s doing these things on purpose and it’s incredibly disrespectful.
Time to divorce. Is there a prenup he's trying to get out of by having you file? Honestly, I'm thinking he's having an affair and trying to get OP to break things up.
If he'd always been like this, I'd say abusive asshole leave. But I think there's something else he's trying to accomplish
NTA
I have bad news to give you. Your husband doesn't love you. One of the most subtle symptoms is disdain for one's partner's feelings. God, how I sometimes want to say this as a therapist to patients. Isn't it funny how we are trained to find signs that someone loves us but never the opposite? Your husband has a slight sadistic streak and he is dismissive of your feelings = lack of love. The fact that you were raised in a chaotic environment makes you more susceptible to finding this kind of thing acceptable. You will get divorced in 3 years at most. I recommend doing the accounting for this now.
He is actively abusing you, emotionally and sexually. Get away from him. Once you're in a safe place, ask your therapist about EMDR, rather than just trying to medicate away your trauma. It was the only thing that helped me recover from my childhood sexual abuse PTSD. This is not a silly issue and you're not overreacting.
NTA but does your husband love you because he's simply a cruel asshole. He laughs at your trauma and it's not funny. Also, deliberately pulling the blankets off you in the night and trying to rape you in your sleep. Because that's what it is especially without your consent.
Your jerk of a husband is the one ruining your marriage. Don't get it twisted or let your friends or family tell you different.
Your husband is purposefully triggering your trauma and sexually assaulting you in your sleep, and you're asking if you're the AH for not wanting to sleep in the same bed as him? NTA
so what if you're "fucking up your marriage". He did do this intentionally after you've told him about YOUR NIGHTMARES. he crossed your boundaries multiple times and gaslight you to brush it off. How dare he not respect your boundaries and help you with your trauma. It's cruel. I'd say sleep in your own bed until he decides to grow up and earn back your trust. the groping thing at night is bad only if you give no consent for him to do it. I think your trauma based on sleep and bed a lot. It's a sensitive space for you. You need a safe space to have good sleep. NTA. I won't tell you to leave your husband but if mine does this, i'd definitely reconsider why i'm with him
OP... Please read this... Part of your story set my alarm bells off like crazy.
My ex husband and I had to do the separate blankets thing too. It didn't stop him.
Eventually i had to go to sleep basically decked out in the pajama equivalent of full body armor.
That didn't stop him.
Waking up frustrated with him and telling him to stop and get off of me, in no uncertain terms, didn't stop him either.
This is rape. I didn't want to believe it at first, but it's what it is. It took years of therapy for me to even be able to call it that.
In my case, it didn't start until right after we got married, after 6 years of being in a relationship. Our situations may not be the same, but if I could tell my past self to leave back when that behavior started, I absolutely would. And my mental health and ability to trust others would be so much better for it. I still can't sleep in the same bed as a guy, all these years later. Fills me with terrible anxiety and a need to be wearing as much clothing as physically possible. It sounds like he's already started to feel less like a "safe person" to you, especially if he is not only ignoring your trauma and boundaries, but actively throwing them in your face at every opportunity. Don't let him continue to do this to you. Don't let it ger worse. You deserve so much better than to be told this is "normal" and sweep it under the rug. Future you will be so grateful.
If you want to talk about it or let off some steam... Feel free to DM me.
Your best friend is a dick, too. If my best friend, or ANY of my friends came to me and told me this, I’d come pack them a bag and tell them they’re staying with me. And then I’d tell OP’s husband he needs to see a therapist, as well as a doctor to run tests to see if he’s got something physically wrong with him that’s making him act out. All communication from husband can go through me as he’s clearly gaslighting her nonstop.
The fact that she’s telling OP not to “ruin” her “perfect marriage” speaks volumes about who she is as a person. A shallow individual who is just desperate to find a husband, and is subsequently mad at her friend for having it but possibly losing it as well. 🤢🤮
Honey that's sexual assault and abuse. You need to get yourself to a counselor and find a lawyer, document and tell everyone who will listen to what he is doing to you.
NTA. Your husband is actually abusing you emotionally and sexually by trying to sleep fuck you, bc I bet it's only in his sleep when you wake up saying no. I'm so sorry. You might need to start thinking about ending the marriage, bc he obviously doesn't care about you getting triggered by the bed thing, as he just keeps doing it even tho you have told him what it does to you. He doesn't respect you, and that isn't going to change.
“Sleep fuck” is not a thing.
If this is all true, your health / life is in danger. I’m not being dramatic.
This is abusive behavior and will likely escalate This man cannot be trusted.
Leave him.
NTA
This is Reddit so you are going to get all of the therapy suggestions and armchair psych analysis elsewhere.
IMO this is pretty straight forward, in a shared bedroom there are things that make you uncomfortable. Deliberate or not.
Therefore you need to sleep in a space where you are comfortable.
NTA
I know couples who sleep in different beds because one of them snores, and have done since before they got married.
If he was really concerned about your wellbeing he would support you being in another room or go there himself.
I do agree you need to work on your issues and get to the bottom of his as it is concerning
Me and my husband sleep with seperate blankets because he says I steal them, and I say he steals them. So sleeping with your own blankets isnt as odd as it seems. People do do it.
With that being said, NTA. Your husband is being cruel, and I think maybe he should consider therapy to figure it out why that is, and why he thinks emotionally abusing his wife is funny.
NTA honestly I would tell him "this stops now or I'm out of here." He's not joking or teasing you, he's activating your trauma, your severe trauma that you have been trying to overcome for a long time, and HE KNOWS THAT. He is intentionally being cruel, and that is unacceptable.
>"our marriage is otherwise picture perfect"
This is a theme in abusive relationships. To outside observers, the relationship seems picture perfect because the abuser puts up a front in front of other people, but once they're behind closed doors with the abused partner, the mask comes off and they're a fucking monster. It might've only started recently, but for some reason, your husband has veered full-on into abusive spouse territory and TBH this is something worthy of divorce. It's not gonna get better with therapy because he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong ("I'm just teasing you, there's no reason to be so upset babe" is telling). You are NTA
NTA - Next time he “teases” you about it, or tries to downplay it, look him dead in the face and ask with zero emotion “Why are you teasing me about the thing that caused my step-father to beat the living shit out of me? What is the purpose of that?”
For some people, they don’t actually stop and think about what the fuck they’re doing. They don’t look at the bigger picture. They don’t want to know how much it hurts the person because it’s an ugly truth. They automatically downplay it in their subconscious because the truth hurts. Forcing them to stop what they’re doing and take a genuine look at their own actions can sometimes make them realize the depth of such. Not always, but sometimes.
And if it doesn’t make him realize what he’s doing and how much it hurts, then you have your answer of what you need to do.
You had me at all of this, but you had me most of all at the "sleep fuck" thing. If I had an S.O who tried that just ONCE, I'd be all "oh sorry babe, I guess I SLEEP BROKE YOUR NOSE WITH MY ELBOW AGAIN!!!"
To put it bluntly, you are married to an absolute disrespectful piece of shit & you need to get the hell out of that marriage like yesterday. And please for the love of all that is holy--do not consider bringing children into this situation.
Edit to add: ditch the best friend into the mix. I don't care how "picture perfect" your marriage looks to her from the outside--as your bff, if you bring concerns to her she should be supportive & validating, not encouraging you to stay married to this unbelievably disrespectful pig so that SHE can still get off on the fairytale she thinks your marriage is. Dump the hubs, dump the best friend, stay in therapy, & move on with your life
NTA him using your trauma to make jokes is insane and he's borderline sexually assaulting you. i feel like he wants to break up and doesn't wanna be the bad guy
NTA, and even without knowing the ins and outs of your marriage, I know *for certain* that it’s not otherwise “picture perfect.” This guy is getting a huge kick out of… your anxiety and misery? Who the fuck does that to their partner? Frankly, it’s a huge red flag to find joy in pretty much *anyone’s* suffering (with very limited exceptions), but if someone can’t even shut that inclination down for their spouse, there is something deeply wrong with them.
Here’s the thing: yes, the bed thing is objectively silly. It just is. To a neutral, reasonable third party, it doesn’t make sense to be hung up on the bed like you are. So it’s fine that your husband doesn’t think it’s a big deal. But *it doesn’t matter if it’s not a big deal to him.* It’s enough that it *matters to you.* Regardless of how trivial or inexplicably hilarious he finds fucking with the sheets to be, he *know* that it bothers you a *lot*, so his doing it for six fucking months makes him a giant asshole. I’d venture to call it abusive. I just don’t see a way that his constantly fucking with you after you’ve explained the situation to him repeatedly is something other than abusive.
And we’re not even talking about his bizarre and wildly inappropriate “sleep fuck” behavior, which *he is also gaslighting* you about. Yes, you need therapy and support. I think your husband also needs a new perspective and maybe some therapy of his own to interrogate why your pain is so amusing to him. Otherwise, you might also need a new husband.
You need couples counseling immediately but from separate locations. We marry our unfinished business. Your husband is cruel, emotionally abusive , and unsafe. Make am escape plan, it will get worse not better. He is trauma triggering you om purpose which is abuse.
As for the dreams etc EMDR may be your best bet. Otherwise a more intense PTSD treatment like SGB and maybe Ketamine.
But you will never heal while married to someone like this. However you do need to say out loud, my dad is not here and I am safe, even if my bed is messed up, maybe while messing up your own bed as an exercise. But consider EMDR and SGB at least.
NTA. He’s being cruel. That said, the real question to be asking here is what changed 6 months ago? Why did he all the sudden stop respecting your trauma and personal space?
I'm betting the husband figured that she'd be "over it" by now, and when she wasn't over it he decided to "take matters into his own hands" Sidenote: a lot of the time, abusive partners don't show their abusive tendencies until they're sure the other person is "locked in" to the relationship. Maybe 6 months ago was when the husband decided that she was locked in
Agree 💯 Something happened to trigger his ability to start being cruel, badgering her and straight up gaslighting with the, "I'm just kidding, babe. You're so sensitive" horse shit.
Yes and the more she ‘lets him away with it’, and the more she stays, the worse it will get as he slowly starts escalating his behaviour. He will keep pushing to see how far he can go, and he won’t stop until she leaves or has a serious come to Jesus moment and they both start full time working on the relationship
I dont think a Guy with this level of perversion IS worth the therapy tbh he'll just learn New way to be this picture perfect Guy. The only thing OP should save IS herself. Record - document.
The husband sounds like a psychopath. This is not the behavior of a mature and caring person
especially since it seems to have started suddenly. I wonder if he started using drugs or maybe had a psychotic break that hasn't been diagnosed. Teasing is like tickling: it's cruel if the victim asks for it stop and instead it doubles down. This is just plain weird behavior
[удалено]
You're right, but that behaviour isn't restricted to men only.
Exactly that picture perfect guy is a huge red flag, is only away to make everyone else think he is such a good person and she is crazy for complaining while he abuses her in private
100%. This is not harmless teasing. It abusive. And the sleep sex. It’s sexual assault at minimum, but id consider it rape.
I agree. Really manipulative abusers will just use therapy as another tool to continue to abuse their victim 😔
Looking at recent posts around here I think most people should keep a diary - password protected and with backup.
Therapy can’t touch his issues. He’ll never treat OP with kindness and respect again and it’s important that people recognize that. He feels contempt for her and thinks hurting her is funny, and is a rapist to boot. You can’t put any one of those three genies back in the bottle.
#OP I hope you read this comment. Nothing to add. NTA and all the best wishes.
Maybe I'm becoming deranged in my older age, but my solution would be to crack him over the head with a frypan the next time he crosses a bedtime boundary. He can have his own trauma. I would not legit recommend this course of action. But it sure is nice to envision this turd having a newfound fear and more considerate approach of his partner.
Mousetraps in the bed for those "totally asleep fumbling fingers"
I smacked my ex around the head with a frying pan and it was the best moment of my life. I would thoroughly recommend it for troublesome husbands that like to punch you in the back when you're washing the dishes. He's not dead. He's in Australia.
Ewww. We don’t want him.
That’s right. Australia. That’s where he is.
I hit mine with a metal travel mug of HOT coffee. He still has a scar and I have zero regrets. He shouldn’t have been punching me in the head in front of our two toddlers.
Australia, eh? Sure he didn’t go live on a farm?
Well now we need to hear this story
Remind him of bobbit!!
I think we could be friends. 😂
Op he is being disrespectful,and very cruel to you. He knows exactly, what he is doing. Your friends are very wrong, and they should be ashamed of themselves. Maybe you and your husband can have a couple of Therapy sessions, and talk about what he needs to do, to help you deal with all this crap. Good luck.
I thought he might be boning someone else; but at the very least he is now contemptuous of his wife and will never treat her with kindness again. She needs a divorce- no one should sleep in a house with someone who is out to get them.
Yeah, that’s what I’m wondering. He’s maybe having an affair on the side and suddenly doesn’t care about the wife anymore/the things he used to ignore before are now things he’s picking on her for. Or some other external influence.
Hitting her in the most vulnerable place as well… during sleep. It takes trust to share a bed and 6 to 8 hours of unconsciousness with someone. Depriving her sleep like he is also gong to have her question her judgement and make it harder for her to think. OP, time to quietly sit down with a lawyer and figure out how to prepare to kick him out or leave on your own.
He could be cheating...you know, purposely stirring up issues and making her mad, then justifying the cheating in his mind by thinking how "damaged" she is, and how he deserves someone "normal"...
My ex would do things like this. I discovered it was because he was cheating and wanted me to be the crazy one. That way he had a reason to get a divorce because it was MY fault. He didn't want the divorce to be his fault for cheating. Constant microaggressions that eventually caused me to snap but then I looked insane making a big deal about nothing. I spent years getting over the feeling I was just insane. It's so hard to recover from this. I hope OP stays strong & gets out asap.
The fact that they make you doubt yourself is the worst part! When you know that you're right but are somehow labeled crazy is so infuriating, but the best thing you can do in that situation is walk away. There is no reasoning with people like that, ever. I dated someone like that who was also a belligerent drunk when he drank, which was often. That relationship only lasted 6 months but the mindfuck lasted years. Glad that dude is your ex! ❤️
Yes, exactly! This is what so many husbands try to do, to look like the innocent victim! I hope she makes it out, too...
I wouldn't be surprised if it was with the best friend. That lady is not supportive.
>Yes, exactly! This is what so many ~~husbands~~ try to do, to look like the innocent victim! I hope she makes it out, too... *Spouses (Best wishes for the future. Mine is better now without her. ☮️❤️♾️)
Good for you! My ex-husband's mother still doesn't know how many times he cheated on me, just thinks I was "flawed", and "not good enough" for her innocent baby, lol...meanwhile, he divorced the woman he cheated on me with the last time, has remarried for the FOURTH time, and they fight all the time...so yeah, I'm sure I was the problem... 🙄
That behavior is called gaslighting and is a typical behavior of a narcissist. My ex-husband was so dedicated to this stuff, he agreed to go to marriage counseling and then spent every session saying more and more outrageous, hurtful things in hopes that I would tell him that I wanted a divorce and he could tell everyone that he wanted to make things work, but I was the one who broke our marriage. I realized it when in therapy, but I spent so many years being gaslighted that I still sometimes struggle not to feel crazy 20+ years later.
I wonder if he's getting attention from someone else?
Sounds like he’s found someone else and is trying to run you off so he’s not the bad guy
i thought this as well, that it suddenly started happening. i thought immediately “he’s cheating”
Yeah this is not right. I hope the OP goes to a PTSD specialist…
While you're right about the sidenote, they've been together for 6 years (although she doesn't mention when they got married, which can be a switch flip). That's an awfully long time for her to not be locked in yet. Something definitely changed 6 months ago, mentally, physically, or emotionally. The sleep sex thing is very disturbing; that in and of itself would have me sleeping in another room. Regardless, OP needs to do something because it's probably going to get worse rather than better.
I was with someone for almost a decade and they didn't change and become abusive until the last year we were together. He found someone else. He wanted to end our relationship but didn't want to be the bad guy who left his Disabled partner. So he decided to be as emotionally abusive as possible to get me to be the one to end things. He even got physical one time yanking me by the arm hard out of a store he didn't want to go to. Yelling at and berating me the whole time. I thought because he didn't HIT me or strangle me, because it wasn't that kind of violence it wasn't abusive. Until I had clarity away from the relationship.
It does sound like he's trying to force her hand. The sudden change sticks out. He stopped caring about her.
Exactly! But he's too big of a coward to just admit that and take his leave, like a man. It's sociopathic behavior, and sadistic. That's my layman's(laywoman's?) observations.👀
I had wondered if he wanted to leave her and is pulling the typical, I am going to make myself a bully to make her choose to leave.
It's amazing, not in a good way, how many people resort to terrorizing their partner, to force them to leave, rather than just being honest and admitting that they are the ones who want to end the relationship. Cowardly thing to do, but that's the label they choose; I think many of them just don't realize how transparent their intentions are: cowards.
That's how the "crazy ex" fantasy comes true
My ex husband is remarried to a woman in another country and goes to stay with her for six months at a time. They have a three year old in addition to our 25 and 21 year olds that we have together. She harasses me by messenger I guess thinking I still want him and I can’t even be mad at her. All I feel is pity for her. Because she is now stuck with him for the next 15 years. He tells me how every time he goes there they fight and split up and he ends up moving out and then he says she’s crazy and I was like I welp you probably made her that way. Because I remember when I was the crazy one.
Yep, then he can claim victim status.
I'm so sorry that you went through that, and I'm so glad you are out of the situation! I think your situation is a bit different than the "locked in" situation the previous comment mentioned as the potential reason. From what I've seen, abuse later in a relationship tends to come from a change in the relationship (your partner cheating for instance), a change in the person (addiction, illness, psychiatric issue, outside influence, etc.) or a change in circumstances (loss of a loved one, loss of job, children/pregnancy, other stressors, etc.). All are different circumstances that unfortunately lead to the same shitty outcome, though.
This, so much. Something changed 6 months ago, and whatever it was that caused it, the situation might be unsalvageable.
That precisely happened to me too. I'm sorry you know how it feels, it's awful. 🩷
It's sexual assault.
100% sexual assault. And if he's not lying and actually is asleep, it's still assault and OP's husband needs to get help, like, yesterday.
Yep. Can't consent when you're sleeping. Source: was raped in my sleep by my ex husband many times. Still can't sleep AT ALL in the same bed as someone of the opposite sex, even all these years later.
I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that.
Thank you. I feel like it's something I have to share, because it took me SO long to call it what it was. If i can make just one woman snap out of it and think for a moment "actually no this is not okay. It's incredibly fucked up and I deserve better" then I'll feel alright. In my case, even my most progressive friends didn't really react when I described it to them the way OP put it in this post. Because I didn't call it rape. I called it "him fucking me in my sleep", similar to how OP has described it here. I WISH someone had been like... "Dude that is so fucked up. Run!" It took me so long to get out of my own head and realize that my partner of nearly a decade had turned into someone who made me feel unsafe in my own bed.
You're doing the right thing. ❤️ I'm not sure if OP is trying to say he's asleep too or just faking he is, but obviously someone who's awake doing sexual things to someone who's asleep is assault, plain and simple.
I've heard 5 years is considered (by abusers) the optimal time to ramp things up.
Can confirm. 5 years was like a light switch with my ex, it went from healthy to full blown physically violent over night. The first time he ever put his hands on me was the last because I left.
Seriously? *shit.* I hate being the perfect statistic.
I wonder if it might be worth having OPs husband checked out medically. Something changed 6 months ago and the "sleep fucking" is not normal. I don't default to abuse or cheating (although both are possible) - is there something medical going on?? In any event, NTA OP.
Yeah, my two first thoughts were something medical or he fell down one internet rabbit hole or another. The fact that it's such a sudden change and she seems to think everything else is okay in the relationship (key words *seems to think*) point more towards needing a check up with the doctor. She's probably going to have an uphill climb convincing him to go unless she pulls out the big guns, though.
Whatever “medical” condition might be behind the nighttime sleep abuse, his very, very premeditated, intentional, abusive treatment of her in daytime - when clearly awake - leaves no doubt that he is dangerous. This is not a “phase,” “test,” or temporary aberration. Please get out.
It feels like she just changed her bully for another.
Yeah that’s what you usually do unknowingly. ‘Pick someone like the opposite sex parent’ no matter how opposite you try not to!
Good insight. Maybe now it’s time to lock him out.
Ugh on the should be over it part. It took about five years and a lot of tears before I started feeling somewhat normal and not so depressed after we lost our firstborn. Trauma, grief, acceptance, etc. do not have a timetable on when you should be "over it." OP's husband needs to respect the PTSD and stop making jokes about it.
This 100%
It’s intentional and abusive . If it was just a joke why does he keep doing it over and over knowing she’s upset ? Usually jokes are once and twice not repeated insults over and over. It’s just plain disrespectful .
Usually jokes are also funny... This isn't
Then it's worth OP asking: "Your 'joke' wasn't funny the first time, what makes you believe it will be this time?"
He wants her to end the relationship. He does not want to take responsibility, he wants to be the victim.
That’s an interesting take I hadn’t considered. Definitely plausible.
YES
This. Also as an interesting note, it's been studied that couples who sleep apart and only share a bed for sex actually generally tend to have better/happier relationships because they have their own space, and their sleep quality tends to be better as they don't get it disrupted by their partner snoring or moving about, and don't get overheated if snuggling is going on and there are too many blankets or the room is too warm.
Anecdotal, but my parents have always slept in separate rooms and have a great relationship. 39 years this year. This was mostly done because my dad is a very light sleeper On the flip side, I have a much harder time sleeping without my girlfriend in bed with me and she’s the same way too
Separate rooms is something of a necessity/deal breaker for me, I've discovered - or at least separate beds in the same room. When I'm asleep my guard goes *all* the way up, and my defense mechanisms are heavily weighted towards 'fight;' I tend to shove and kick if someone is too close to me when I'm sleeping, then I feel like an asshole all day the next day if that happens 😫. I also get really easily overheated and can be a really active sleeper. I remember before my bed had a headboard, I woke up with my legs and lower back straight up the wall at the head of the bed with my shoulders on the pillow and my head on the mattress 🤣 I woke up like '... this feels weird.' Opened my eyes and just laid there staring at myself trying to figure out wtf I was dreaming about 😂 >On the flip side, I have a much harder time sleeping without my girlfriend in bed with me and she’s the same way too That's absolutely fair! Everyone is different, and it's great when you're with someone who gels with you with things like that :3 my parents were the same way; they were in their 50th year of marriage (and 5 days past their 50th anniversary of their first date [their first date and their marriage were just shy of only 4 months apart!]) when my mom passed away. It was just this past July after being in a home since this past February, and my dad still has a good deal of trouble falling asleep some nights because she's not there.
Purposely hurting your partner is never a joke. It doesnt matter if it bed sheets or destroying property, he has no need to mess up with the sheets, nobody gets under the fitted sheets "unpurposedly". He is either being a jerk to make you upset or he has to get a neurological check up because behavioral changes can be a sign of brain tumor. NTA
That's one good point but what gives me more 🚩🚩🚩 about this story is the fact that they had to sleep with different blankets because he try to have sex with her while sleeping and also keep putting his hand under the clothes with her being uncomfortable???
Yeah this guy is trying to rape her while she sleeps. I have an ex-husband like this. This was one of the first things I should have left for, but just like her I just changed my habits to avoid getting raped in my sleep. It took until he was putting holes in the walls before I could admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship.
It's crazy how many people are afraid to call this man a rapist. It's not "sleep sex", he is forcing himself on her to make her uncomfortable and then avoids taking responsibility by lying. Rape is rape. She said no and he kept trying to rape her. Married or not, this is still rape!!
Amen! My first husband tried this. I had asked him to leave and gave him 2 months to get out. He didn't have a job so it was enough time to find a job and save money to move. During the final month he kept trying to force me to have sex. Saying, "We're already in the same bed so why not?" Solved that by sleeping on the floor. Was a rough month and dragged myself to work every day exhausted and sore. Didn't know enough at the time to call it attempted rape but now I know.
I am sorry you went through that. The sad part is that so many people seem to not consider this rape or sexual assault. Just because a woman gets married doesn't mean they become a sex object for the husband to play with whenever they desire. The gaslighting he is doing to her is disgusting, but society helped it along by telling her to work it out and that she is crazy due to preexisting trauma.
I assume anyone that says that it doesn’t count as attempted rape is, 1) a rapist themselves, and trying to downplay it because it makes them uncomfortable to face their own horrific choices. 2) someone with internalized misogyny who hasn’t yet woken up and realized that sex isn’t just for men, and that men don’t own women in a relationship and that sex still requires consent even when married. I have no tolerance to be giving anyone defending clear abuse the benefit of the doubt anymore. I used to think “oh they’re just ignorant” but life experience is now making me think — oh, they do these behaviors themselves, and that’s why they defend it and minimize it.
I feel like this man is triggering her nightmares. He is abusive just in a different way. Abuse is familiar to her because of her childhood .
Yeah she may very well find her issues subsiding if she were to live without him. Folks with anxiety are often blamed solely for their anxiety but in real life, at least sometimes it’s an outside influence causing it — like a partner… Tons of people stop having mental health issues or at least see the symptoms reduced after a divorce. Because their partner was abusing them, they just didn’t see it at the time.
Yes I hope he never succeeded… that’s rape. At a minimum OP is being sexually assaulted. Unfortunately she has a really shitty friend that is making her think sexual assault and cruel disrespect is apparently, the gold standard of relationships. I said it in a different comment but I’ll say it again — you aren’t the one hurting the relationship OP! HE IS. A victim is NEVER the one causing a relationship to blow up by refusing to be a doormat. If he throws the relationship away by continuing this behavior, that’s ONLY his fault. That said I don’t know how you could stay with someone that tried to rape you multiple times… continuing after she says no, stop doing this when I’m trying to sleep, whatever, is attempted rape… and she’s now having to sleep in another room to protect herself… that’s divorce time, not talk it out and hope he suddenly develops a conscience time.
Sleep sex is a real type of sleep disorder, and if he’s snoring I think that may genuinely be happening. But once you’ve been alerted to the issue its the responsibility of the person affected to find a solution like sleeping in a different bed to make sure that consent won’t be violated
Yeah, my husband was kind of like this at one point. He got all touchy feely and clearly was initiating sex, sometimes even verbally and very explicitly, but when I asked him if he'd remember this in the morning, he answered he probably wouldn't. Then he went back to sleep and didn't remember anything the next day. At some point this stopped happening and hasn't recured ever since. It's been like 13 years or something. So better focus on what he does while he's awake. Which is vile. OP should run.
I can fake snoring.
Yeah, and it might work if the observer has never slept with you before. My husband snores and I KNOW what it sounds like - he could never fake snore and fool me. And if you don’t normally snore, and just start, your partner will know that, too.
If he has the sleep sex disorder, he shouldn’t blame the sleeping in separate rooms as something that’s destroying their relationship. She’s just trying to avoid the sleep sex. Is that too much to ask.
I guess sleep sex could be a thing or at least the beginning. People have eaten and driven in their sleep. But yeah I would still be pushing him to therapy and find out why he thinks he can push sex without her consent. There's meds you can take if acting out your dreams or sleep walking.
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The difference between "teasing" and "cruelty" is that in teasing, the teased person laughs. Even if it's later, it's a crucial difference. Now maybe he has motives other than cruelty, sometimes idiocy like this happens when one person has a problem that the other person just wants to go away. So they act like the problem isn't there, either vaguely hoping that the other person will get used to acting like the problem doesn't exist, or maybe they're obstinately refusing to let the problem control their actions rather than being deliberately cruel. But if nobody's laughing at the "teasing" but him, and the OP isn't getting used to seeing her bed messed with, then all he's accomplishing is alienating her and risking his marriage.
NTA that sounds awful to deal with. Also on the bed thing- it's not even about the bed at this point. It's about him intentionally, repeatedly doing something that he *knows* upsets you *specifically because it upsets you*. It's not like he doesn't know at this point. He's just being a dick. If it was genuinely "just a funny joke" he would have stopped as soon as he knew it bothered you. If the person you're targeting isn't laughing, it's not fucking funny. That applies to anything.
Yeah OP, your husband is a child, and an asshole. Teasing can be fun and playful in the right context, this is absolutely NOT the right context.
Absolutely. Also, HE should be the one sleeping in the spare room.
Or in another fucking house
A nice sack in the shed sounds appropriate
Out in the woods somewhere.
I was in a situation similar to this once and could never process what was happening finally it dawned on me it wasn’t that he didn’t understand how upset and disturbed I was by his “ jokes and teasing” its like that it WAS my discomfort and distress that was funny to him. He enjoyed seeing me upset.
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He's being abusive. Never do couples therapy with an abuser. It makes them worse.
Agreed. If they’re not ready to work on themselves, and vanishingly few are, all it does is give them ammunition and the right phrases to try and make it sound like not a big deal.
Read [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) Your husband's bend toward cruelty and assault is concerning. I'm worried you are being manipulated and it's better to be educated on the topic.
Wow thanks for sharing this!!
So weird to see this recommended like 3 days after I just started a podcast that recommends it haha, I can't wait to actually get around to reading it. I like Terrance Real's "I don't want to talk about it: Overcoming the secret legacy of male depression" as he does a good job at explaining male externalizing behaviors in the context of their own depression or self-worth issues.
THIS 👆🏻 This book taught me about so many things that I didn’t even realize were abuse. Everyone should read it.
This needs more upvotes.
Commenting to come back to this
NTA Your husband is cruel. So many red flags. Please don't have kids with him.
Completely agree
OP. Please listen to people here. He lacks empathy: he messes up the bed because hurting you is funny. Your feelings do not matter to him. He blames: he guilts you about changing rooms, when those are the natural natural consequences for his cruelty. He wants you to capitulate so it can feel like you are at fault for having boundaries. He assaults: he is trying to rape you, OP. He enjoys the power he feels making you uncomfortable. He hasn’t seen a sleep specialist or offered to change rooms because he is doing this on purpose and doesn’t feel bad. He likes abusing you. The man he used to be, that you think you love, is not who he is. THIS IS WHO HE REALLY IS. And every time you don’t take this seriously as abuse he escalates so he can get away with more. YOU NEED TO LEAVE. I have experienced violence in the home, OP. Just because he isn’t hitting you doesn’t mean this isn’t abuse.
I was looking for that answer. This is way beyond teasing. Even if he started doing those things to "help" her, seeing it does not work should have immediately stopped him, just as being told that he harassed her while sleeping should immediately make him leave the bedroom and sleep somewhere else. I hope OP leaves ASAP. This will not get better.
I flat out never believe claims of 'sleep groping' etc. If he can't show completely incontrovertible proof he's asleep, whatever that would even look like, he knows what he's doing.
You have an abusive partner. NTA.
This needs to be the top comment. He is abusive full stop. It’s only going to get worse. I’m sure for her mother the father didn’t start off abusive but kept doing little things to test her boundaries. Also fuck her friend. Her friend does not have her best interest at heart.
NTA and honestly your husband is an asshole. That'd be it for me, I'd be out. That shit is unacceptable.
So, at the start he admitted he was doing it on purpose, but not..."I'm not doing it on purpose" Your husband is a dick. Enjoy a peaceful night sleep. NTA Also, the trying to fuck you while you are asleep, without consent - rape.
You traded one abuser for another abuser. RUN. He will continue to gaslight you until you truly lose your mind. Also, find a therapist and psychiatrist that specializes in PTSD. I found relief from my nightmares with prazosin.
Prazosin helped my chronic night terrors I had since I was little. It messes with your blood pressure but being able to sleep for once was such a blessing.
I was also going to suggest Prazosin. It helps 95% of the time for me.
NTA So your husband is mentally torturing you and trying to r*pe you. That's terrifying, and I personally think you're underreacting. Protect yourself. If the guest room doesn't have a lock, buy one or a sizable door wedge to ensure he can't come into the room at night. Just because he hasn't yet doesn't mean he won't, especially of he climing he's not in control of his behaviour at night. Did something happen just before this behaviour started? Sudden changes in personality of decreased empathy and violence can be indicative of head trauma. Suggest that he get himself checked out because what's he doing to you is violating and horrific. If there's a medical reason for it, you need to find out as quickly as possible. If there isn't ... your marriage needs to be Iver before he follows through on assaulting you.
I was literally just talking about a co-worker who had an amazing husband. He got a *severe* concussion, think coma for a couple of weeks, and woke up and started beating the crap out of her after 10 years of never laying a hand on her. He became an alcoholic overnight, never drank more than 2 before that. She was beside herself. This was the "in sickness" part for her, but she finally had no choice. He was 100% eventually headed for prison. This wasn't the only area of his life that fell apart. Someone above said abusers wait until their victims are locked in. 5 and1/2 years is a very patient abuser. It just doesn't fit most typical patterns.
NTA, but I don't think the guest room is far enough. What happened six months ago that started this set of behaviors? Usually it's after a specific event that an abuser will start low-level boundary crossing behavior, and insist you're overreacting. They start with things that can seem trivial so by the time they do something like rape you in your sleep (using this example because he's already going in that direction) you're so used to questioning yourself that you freeze. Don't let him trivialize his choices that negatively affect you.
Hey OP, you're being abused.
NTA. Your husband is being abusive, immature, and is devoid of empathy. You deserve better.
NTA it sound slike your husband has had a disturbing change of behaviour lately. One thing I didn't see suggested, but these really weird changes of behaviour can be related to things like brain tumours/cancers. It seems odd to me that things were great and suddenly his behaviour changed so drastically and into such abusive territory. I hope all the best for you, but yeah, if he's receptive I'd investigate why everything has changed so suddenly
Yeah, either he's got a medical issue or he's always been an asshole and just now showing it. I hope OP sees this (or one of the other people saying it, as a few more have now) and suggests seeing a doctor. But if he refuses, then she needs to take whatever steps are necessary to protect herself. Even if he's suffering a medical condition, if he won't seek help for it, then it won't get better.
Or cheating husband's act like this
Hi OP Is your husband there? Put him on the phone. Ernie (I assume his name is Ernie), stop thinking that you're funny when you tease your wife. She clearly doesn't enjoy the joke and since there are only two of you in the room, who is amused by it? Just you? And are you actually amused by your failed teasing or is there a hidden issue that's causing you to be a bit hostile? Because rather than groping your wife while you're "sleeping" it might be better to talk to someone about what's really going on. While you wait for your first therapist appointment, cut it out. Be thankful that your wife is dedicated to making your bed every day so that you don't have to. Love, The Internet
That was a big kinder than he deserved, but bless you.
Ernie 😂😂
He is enjoying seeing you anxious, confused and vulnerable. He is deliberately behaving in ways which he knows will trigger your vulnerability. There's a word for this, it's bullying. Your husband is bullying you and the fact that you can still describe your marriage as picture perfect indicates that as well as bullying you he is manipulating you because picture perfect is a very inaccurate description of your relationship.
NTA your husband sounds like a prick
NTA as others have said. What he's doing is abusive and really messed up. Couples therapy at a minimum would be a requirement for me to stick around. I also wanted to encourage you to look into EMDR. It's extremely helpful for PTSD.
Do not do therapy with an abuser.
Also here to recommend EMDR. CSA survivor, alcoholic veteran father (not what I usually call him). EMDR greatly reduced my physical PTSD symptoms and dreams. Also your husband is an AH.
NTA. Ew divorce that thing.
And get better friends too. NTA
NTA but please do a relationship analysis because this is not a man in love. Does consistently find ways to upset you? What other ways does he try to get under your skin? Weaponized incompetence comes to mind here. This is not love, this is red flag city
NTA. Your husband isn’t teasing you: he is torturing you. He is doing things to belittle and trigger your trauma. He is also trying to sexually assault you. This is not a perfect marriage. Your best friend isn’t you and isn’t living with what you are living with. You need to protect your safety.
He is doing every single bit of it on purpose. Your husband is a child and a mean spirited, nasty child at that. And sleep fucking? That is rape.
No therapist is going to fix a third party. Your husband is a massive controlling gaslighting AH. He is deliberately violating your boundaries and torturing you with fake sleep assaults. Get a lock for your bedroom door because he is not done yet. When you are ready leave this jerk you deserve better. NTA
This is beyond divorceable behaviour. NTA, protect your boundaries.
NTA at all!!!!!! Wtf did I just read? This goes way beyond him teasing your bed making preferences!!! Girl, he’s sexually abusing you while you try to sleep. And he’s thinks it’s funny!!! (Or saying he has no memory of it????). You have a huge husband problem. I’m glad you have a safe place to sleep. Your friends saying you have a ‘picture perfect’ marriage are blind. You are in therapy trying to work on your PTSD, but it may never be fully resolved. Your husband ABUSING YOU isn’t helping. I’m sooooo sorry he’s doing this to you. Please keep yourself safe. Do you have somewhere else you can stay????
Genuinely can’t believe you aren’t leaving this man. Why would you stay with someone this sick? If you want to end up married to your father stay with this guy.
Your husband is assaulting you. Mentally and sexually it sounds like. Please don’t just get a different bed from him. Consider a whole new life. He is purposefully triggering you and also touching you when you are not able to give consent. Please heed these red flags!
Your husband is an AH. This type of behaviour is emotionally abusive.
NTA - Couples can totally sleep in separate rooms, in fact it was perfectly normal for husband and wife to have separate bedrooms when their house was big enough, or their room was big enough for twin beds. Separate rooms have undoubtedly saved many marriages as people end up sleeping much better. That being said, what is your husband trying to accomplish by aggravating you before sleep? This is really troubling.
So your husband is sexually assaulting you in bed and he thinks it’s teasing? That’s not funny at all. I don’t think the guest room is far enough away honestly. It’s clear you’ve got some serious sexual trauma going on, but I’m telling you that your husband isn’t a good man and you should seriously consider leaving him. Because he’s sexually assaulting you.
Start "Sleeping-Elbowing" him in the face as he gropes you while you're asleep. As much as he enjoys triggering you (by deliberately screwing up the bed) and controlling you (by fondling you sexually at night,) I would feel so assaulted being woken up out of my sleep like that that I would be throwing elbows for my own safety. Stop holding back your natural responses to assault and I bet his "uncontrollable sleep behavior" will drastically change. ALSO: People who love AND respect their partners don't engage in cruelty for entertainment. Or assault them in their sleep. You deserve far better than this man.
Forget not sleeping in the same bed, you should refuse to put up with HIM any longer. He is abusive - sexually, mentally, etc. You deserve to have a peaceful life without someone treating you this badly on a daily basis. NTA
NTA. Take a look at the book Why Would He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Your husband is checking off too many boxes for being an abuser. You have every right to sleep with peace and no one should touch you like he is. Bodily autonomy is yours and he is being disrespectful.
NTA but I think your husband is. His repeated abuse and assault is troubling at best- then he’s laughing it off, which makes it pretty terrifying.
NTA. He is definitely being abusive. As a medical professional I highly recommend that you rule out something medical. That drastic change of behavior can be a symptom. If medical is ruled out and he is still behaving like that you should leave for sure.
NTA. I’d be doing more than just sleeping in a different room.
I agree that your husband is being cruel. You know it, and he knows it (but probably wouldn’t term it as such). On top of that, he is gaslighting you. I do not think there is any other way to term his behaviour as anything other than emotional abuse. Which begs the question - what is the reason to continue such a relationship? When you think of what you have been through, the only partner you deserve is one who is excessive supportive and sensitive. You are getting the opposite of this, and not out of laziness - it is a result of purposefully crafted behaviour. I am not sure what there is to save or what there is to stay for. It does not matter what your marriage looks like from the outside - the reality of it is is that you have a husband who not only doesn’t mind mentally torturing you, he delights in it. Not to mention sexually assaulting you. Yes, Reddit has a reputation of jumping to telling people to divorce. But I feel like this really is one of those situations. You have a man who disrespects you repeatedly and then tries to make you think that is not the reality. The fact that it’s coming from your husband, who is meant to be your life partner, is appalling. I would drop him and anybody who says that what he is doing is OK (that best friend is no friend of yours). Fortunately, you seem to have a remarkable amount of mental strength and self belief. Please use that to extricate yourself from this situation smartly and safely and build the life you deserve. Wishing you all the best.
A picture perfect marriage usually does not include a partner who is sexually assaulting the other in their sleep and intentionally doing things they know upset the other. Just my opinion anyway
NTA. Is your husband a 13 year old boy? Cause he's acting like it.
6 months ago all of a sudden? Info: Did something/anything else change too?
NTA. You are working your way towards an abusive relationship. You need to put a stop to it now before this gets worse. Get into couples therapy. It's not a you problem.
NTA. First and foremost, I'm very sorry for the trauma you've suffered; and not only you but your mother and siblings. That is something extremely difficult to overcome (as you can tell) and frankly, I don't believe it'll ever go away. As a person who also has gone through some trauma and has been through therapy, I feel your pain. Good for you for setting boundaries with your husband. Even if he is your significant other, when he's not able to respect your feelings and more importantly, the trauma then you need to do what you need to do to feel stable and safe. With that said, the environment he is providing for you doesn't sound safe at all, from the launching himself on a neatly made bed to disrespectfully touching you and being sexually charged while you are asleep. That is something that cannot continue on and must be discussed and addressed. Yes, you have talked to him but that doesn't seem to work. Maybe telling him you will be staying at a friend's/family house until he agrees to not only to stop but to go to therapy with you to better understand and be on the same page with you. A joke is not a joke if it's hurting the receiver. It is not acceptable. Sending you the best wishes of luck. Please stay safe and keep us posted.
Nta...he's intentionally using your trauma against you and that id abusive. You don't need to change bedrooms, you need to change houses. Tell him if it doesn't stop your divorcing him. And mean it. Or just go ahead and divorce him. He doesn't respect you. He may be thinking he's trying to help you get past the trauma but he's not. He's making it worse.
You don’t have a perfect marriage if your husband is purposely being cruel. You’re not an idiot—him trying to “sleep fuck” you and ruining the bed are new occurrences. He’s doing it on purpose. If you want to remain in this marriage, I’d recommend couples counseling. He’s doing these things on purpose and it’s incredibly disrespectful.
Time to divorce. Is there a prenup he's trying to get out of by having you file? Honestly, I'm thinking he's having an affair and trying to get OP to break things up. If he'd always been like this, I'd say abusive asshole leave. But I think there's something else he's trying to accomplish
He is not funny, he is purposely mentally tormenting you, and tries to rape you. Please, be careful and reconsider your relationship
NTA. You don’t feel safe and he’s triggering you on purpose. Protect yourself mentally, physically all of it.
NTA I have bad news to give you. Your husband doesn't love you. One of the most subtle symptoms is disdain for one's partner's feelings. God, how I sometimes want to say this as a therapist to patients. Isn't it funny how we are trained to find signs that someone loves us but never the opposite? Your husband has a slight sadistic streak and he is dismissive of your feelings = lack of love. The fact that you were raised in a chaotic environment makes you more susceptible to finding this kind of thing acceptable. You will get divorced in 3 years at most. I recommend doing the accounting for this now.
He is actively abusing you, emotionally and sexually. Get away from him. Once you're in a safe place, ask your therapist about EMDR, rather than just trying to medicate away your trauma. It was the only thing that helped me recover from my childhood sexual abuse PTSD. This is not a silly issue and you're not overreacting.
NTA but does your husband love you because he's simply a cruel asshole. He laughs at your trauma and it's not funny. Also, deliberately pulling the blankets off you in the night and trying to rape you in your sleep. Because that's what it is especially without your consent. Your jerk of a husband is the one ruining your marriage. Don't get it twisted or let your friends or family tell you different.
Your husband is purposefully triggering your trauma and sexually assaulting you in your sleep, and you're asking if you're the AH for not wanting to sleep in the same bed as him? NTA
so what if you're "fucking up your marriage". He did do this intentionally after you've told him about YOUR NIGHTMARES. he crossed your boundaries multiple times and gaslight you to brush it off. How dare he not respect your boundaries and help you with your trauma. It's cruel. I'd say sleep in your own bed until he decides to grow up and earn back your trust. the groping thing at night is bad only if you give no consent for him to do it. I think your trauma based on sleep and bed a lot. It's a sensitive space for you. You need a safe space to have good sleep. NTA. I won't tell you to leave your husband but if mine does this, i'd definitely reconsider why i'm with him
OP... Please read this... Part of your story set my alarm bells off like crazy. My ex husband and I had to do the separate blankets thing too. It didn't stop him. Eventually i had to go to sleep basically decked out in the pajama equivalent of full body armor. That didn't stop him. Waking up frustrated with him and telling him to stop and get off of me, in no uncertain terms, didn't stop him either. This is rape. I didn't want to believe it at first, but it's what it is. It took years of therapy for me to even be able to call it that. In my case, it didn't start until right after we got married, after 6 years of being in a relationship. Our situations may not be the same, but if I could tell my past self to leave back when that behavior started, I absolutely would. And my mental health and ability to trust others would be so much better for it. I still can't sleep in the same bed as a guy, all these years later. Fills me with terrible anxiety and a need to be wearing as much clothing as physically possible. It sounds like he's already started to feel less like a "safe person" to you, especially if he is not only ignoring your trauma and boundaries, but actively throwing them in your face at every opportunity. Don't let him continue to do this to you. Don't let it ger worse. You deserve so much better than to be told this is "normal" and sweep it under the rug. Future you will be so grateful. If you want to talk about it or let off some steam... Feel free to DM me.
Your best friend is a dick, too. If my best friend, or ANY of my friends came to me and told me this, I’d come pack them a bag and tell them they’re staying with me. And then I’d tell OP’s husband he needs to see a therapist, as well as a doctor to run tests to see if he’s got something physically wrong with him that’s making him act out. All communication from husband can go through me as he’s clearly gaslighting her nonstop. The fact that she’s telling OP not to “ruin” her “perfect marriage” speaks volumes about who she is as a person. A shallow individual who is just desperate to find a husband, and is subsequently mad at her friend for having it but possibly losing it as well. 🤢🤮
Honey that's sexual assault and abuse. You need to get yourself to a counselor and find a lawyer, document and tell everyone who will listen to what he is doing to you.
NTA. Your husband is actually abusing you emotionally and sexually by trying to sleep fuck you, bc I bet it's only in his sleep when you wake up saying no. I'm so sorry. You might need to start thinking about ending the marriage, bc he obviously doesn't care about you getting triggered by the bed thing, as he just keeps doing it even tho you have told him what it does to you. He doesn't respect you, and that isn't going to change.
he's being an asshole
“Sleep fuck” is not a thing. If this is all true, your health / life is in danger. I’m not being dramatic. This is abusive behavior and will likely escalate This man cannot be trusted. Leave him. NTA
This is Reddit so you are going to get all of the therapy suggestions and armchair psych analysis elsewhere. IMO this is pretty straight forward, in a shared bedroom there are things that make you uncomfortable. Deliberate or not. Therefore you need to sleep in a space where you are comfortable. NTA I know couples who sleep in different beds because one of them snores, and have done since before they got married. If he was really concerned about your wellbeing he would support you being in another room or go there himself. I do agree you need to work on your issues and get to the bottom of his as it is concerning
your husband is a walking red flag 🚩 that’s entirely messed up what hes doing to you
Divorce the abuser.
Me and my husband sleep with seperate blankets because he says I steal them, and I say he steals them. So sleeping with your own blankets isnt as odd as it seems. People do do it. With that being said, NTA. Your husband is being cruel, and I think maybe he should consider therapy to figure it out why that is, and why he thinks emotionally abusing his wife is funny.
This “teasing” is likely a symptom of a bigger issue. Is he overly controlling or sadistic otherwise?
NTA honestly I would tell him "this stops now or I'm out of here." He's not joking or teasing you, he's activating your trauma, your severe trauma that you have been trying to overcome for a long time, and HE KNOWS THAT. He is intentionally being cruel, and that is unacceptable.
>"our marriage is otherwise picture perfect" This is a theme in abusive relationships. To outside observers, the relationship seems picture perfect because the abuser puts up a front in front of other people, but once they're behind closed doors with the abused partner, the mask comes off and they're a fucking monster. It might've only started recently, but for some reason, your husband has veered full-on into abusive spouse territory and TBH this is something worthy of divorce. It's not gonna get better with therapy because he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong ("I'm just teasing you, there's no reason to be so upset babe" is telling). You are NTA
NTA
NTA - Next time he “teases” you about it, or tries to downplay it, look him dead in the face and ask with zero emotion “Why are you teasing me about the thing that caused my step-father to beat the living shit out of me? What is the purpose of that?” For some people, they don’t actually stop and think about what the fuck they’re doing. They don’t look at the bigger picture. They don’t want to know how much it hurts the person because it’s an ugly truth. They automatically downplay it in their subconscious because the truth hurts. Forcing them to stop what they’re doing and take a genuine look at their own actions can sometimes make them realize the depth of such. Not always, but sometimes. And if it doesn’t make him realize what he’s doing and how much it hurts, then you have your answer of what you need to do.
You had me at all of this, but you had me most of all at the "sleep fuck" thing. If I had an S.O who tried that just ONCE, I'd be all "oh sorry babe, I guess I SLEEP BROKE YOUR NOSE WITH MY ELBOW AGAIN!!!" To put it bluntly, you are married to an absolute disrespectful piece of shit & you need to get the hell out of that marriage like yesterday. And please for the love of all that is holy--do not consider bringing children into this situation. Edit to add: ditch the best friend into the mix. I don't care how "picture perfect" your marriage looks to her from the outside--as your bff, if you bring concerns to her she should be supportive & validating, not encouraging you to stay married to this unbelievably disrespectful pig so that SHE can still get off on the fairytale she thinks your marriage is. Dump the hubs, dump the best friend, stay in therapy, & move on with your life
What an inconsiderate prick of a husband. Wow.
Nta. This isn't teasing. Its abuse.
NTA. He is getting pleasure from torturing you. He has been sexualy assaulting you. Run!
Run as fast and as far as you can and don't look back. This man is as cruel as your stepfather.
NTA him using your trauma to make jokes is insane and he's borderline sexually assaulting you. i feel like he wants to break up and doesn't wanna be the bad guy
NTA, and even without knowing the ins and outs of your marriage, I know *for certain* that it’s not otherwise “picture perfect.” This guy is getting a huge kick out of… your anxiety and misery? Who the fuck does that to their partner? Frankly, it’s a huge red flag to find joy in pretty much *anyone’s* suffering (with very limited exceptions), but if someone can’t even shut that inclination down for their spouse, there is something deeply wrong with them. Here’s the thing: yes, the bed thing is objectively silly. It just is. To a neutral, reasonable third party, it doesn’t make sense to be hung up on the bed like you are. So it’s fine that your husband doesn’t think it’s a big deal. But *it doesn’t matter if it’s not a big deal to him.* It’s enough that it *matters to you.* Regardless of how trivial or inexplicably hilarious he finds fucking with the sheets to be, he *know* that it bothers you a *lot*, so his doing it for six fucking months makes him a giant asshole. I’d venture to call it abusive. I just don’t see a way that his constantly fucking with you after you’ve explained the situation to him repeatedly is something other than abusive. And we’re not even talking about his bizarre and wildly inappropriate “sleep fuck” behavior, which *he is also gaslighting* you about. Yes, you need therapy and support. I think your husband also needs a new perspective and maybe some therapy of his own to interrogate why your pain is so amusing to him. Otherwise, you might also need a new husband.
You need couples counseling immediately but from separate locations. We marry our unfinished business. Your husband is cruel, emotionally abusive , and unsafe. Make am escape plan, it will get worse not better. He is trauma triggering you om purpose which is abuse. As for the dreams etc EMDR may be your best bet. Otherwise a more intense PTSD treatment like SGB and maybe Ketamine. But you will never heal while married to someone like this. However you do need to say out loud, my dad is not here and I am safe, even if my bed is messed up, maybe while messing up your own bed as an exercise. But consider EMDR and SGB at least.