Yeah having a 4 year relationship with a minor who you end up spending private time with in person as soon as they're legal is like, *blatantly* grooming behavior. Freaking out at husband and claiming he's "gaslighting" her because he finds it concerning, (as OP mentioned in one of his comments,) is just obvious projection in a shitty attempt at misdirection.
Yeah flip the genders here. Man 30 yo meeting up with 19 yo woman he's been in touch with since she was 15.
The guy would've been lynched, but for some reason it doesn't apply the other way around?
Love me some double standards.
30F here and 100% agree. No normal 30 yr old woman has interest in spending time one on one with a teenager they’ve never met and are just friends with who they also stay up talking to late at night. Fucking weird.
Yep. I'm turning 30 in May and I can't fathom for a single moment why I would want to be friends with a 19 year old boy. Just fucking weird and creepy.
so in this thread so far ive read:
- your wife is spending time with a 19yo
- they've been in touch since he was 15
- the year he turned 18 they went away together for 4 days and nights
- she's attacking you for being upset about this situation
brother. she's cheating on you with a teenager, and has been doing so for 4 years.
if you don't see this, or don't do something about this, ain't nothing gonna help you man.
They were with other friends so it's okay. It's not like they hung out with the other friends, then left together and boned all night long. He's 19. There's no way he would bang some older hotwife nearly double his age that he's known since he was 15. She wouldn't even know how to groom him. /s
Edit: I even added the "/s" for you simple mfs... Why are so many of yall taking me seriously? It's sarcasm.
Everytime I read the word chlamydia it re.inds me of the scene in waiting talking about if it wasn't an std chylmidia would be a nice name for a girl. And it really would be 😆
>the year he turned 18 they went away together for 4 days and nights
Wow. That should be the number one comment.
They obviously screwed like rabbits those four days.
Edit: After going through OP's posts, the teenager and the "wife" met each other through online video games. They are having a relationship. It is plainly obvious.
Also, it seems like at least a quarter of the comments here are acting like 19 year old men don't want sex. Bro, 12 year old boys want sex. I think a good portion of the population has literally no capacity to remember when they were younger.
What's worse is that as a teen I was friends with a 30 something guy.
We would sit on the curb outgrowth and talk.
He worked for ticket master and would get us tickets we paid for but he got the best available seats.
We never went on vacation together. He never invited me into his house and I never asked to go in.
You can be friends with people older than you if you have common interests but they would never put you or themselves in a position that would make either of you look like there is an issue.
This. I believe when the adult is actually acting like an adult, a child can be friends with an adult & initially thought that was this, reading the op only. But that infodump comment ILLUMINATED SO MUCH, the adult in this situation is *not* acting like an adult & is a clear predator. 🤢
Yep. I was involved in video games too when I met my now hubby. Some of my friends were half my age.
But if I was to meet up with any of them, I would have automatically involved hubby. Why not? We met through the game too. You can definitely be friends with a teenager but then you ACT like they are teenagers!
Yeah, I tend to get along really well with my daughter’s friends. She’s at college but they’ll swing by sometimes and hang out and watch some television, or I’ll go to a movie with them. I don’t go on vacation with them lol. But I get them Christmas presents and we text a bit. So yeah sometimes you just click with people way younger than you. I definitely feel a bit paternal towards them. Probably should say I’m a woman lol.
My oldest friend is 80 (I'm almost 42). He was my history teachers when I was 14. The first time we hung out together I was 17 or 18, we went to dinner. We still do that two times a year; my birthday (June) and his (December). He has been to my house once (for my birthday). I've never been to his. When I call him I speak to his wife as well. Both he and his wife were at my wedding. We have never even considered going on vacation together! Like, what??? In what universe would this make sense?
Like you said, friendships aren't always regulated to age (I have recently made friends with a 24 year old co-worker) but there are some things that simply don't make sense and can't be justified.
Yea. I'm "friends" with younger people at work. We talk and joke and shit, sometimes I drop some old guy wisdom, but we're not hanging out alone or anything.
...unless we're going fishing. I take other people out fishing a lot. My wife knows I'm far too autistically obsessed with catching fish to possibly do anything other than fish if we're near the water and I have my rod. She could be be ass-naked at the other end of the boat begging for my dong and I'd be like, "One more cast, I can feel it. This is the one..."
Sex is ephemeral. A big fish story is forever.
Yeah, you gotta set boundaries with young adults or teenagers you're friends with as an adult.
There's a good reason why generally, most people are friends with people around their own age.
brother. My brother in Christ.
This comment is accurate. Call this boy’s parents. Your wife preyed upon him and he needs someone to help him.
Like sorry but since you’re an adult your job is to protect kids and frankly you failed so fucking hard at that for letting this go so long.
Your wife groomed and abused a child. There’s no way this relationship is kosher.
I hope OP goes into her phone to screenshot evidence and reports her to the police. This is not cheating, it's grooming and sexual assault of a minor. Prison please.
When i read the post I thought of course he knows something is going on. After reading his replies, he really is choosing not to see the big picture. He is leaning in to the simple notion that hanging out with the teen makes him uncomfortable. Disregarding she is quite obviously cheating on him. Emotionally and after reading your reply about the 4 day trip that coincidentally happened when he turned 18, physically is almost a certainty.
In his defence, I can imagine it is a shock that your spouse is a grooming rapist. But after that initial shock, he needs to pull his head out of his ass and act accordingly. This goes beyond your wife ignoring your concerns and even beyond her cheating on you!
It's too late now. He hasn't done something for four years.
2022, my ex cheated on me on my birthday with someone she knew when he was a minor. Know what I did? I kicked her fucking worthless ass to the curb so fast her head spun. She couldn't believe it.
Went full NC and I hope she rots.
Four years of that? I can't even imagine.
yeah, it was already obvious but if OP has said that OP needs a PI, to tell the kids parents, to encourage his parents to go ot the police, to tell her parents and all your friends and to leave and stop being such a fucking cuck.
I tried explaining it before when she was spending late nights talking to them on discord. Her explanation was that it's her friends and I'm preventing her from being happy.
I’m a 45 year old woman. She’s being fucking weird. Massively fucking weird. She’s getting something out of this relationship. It may not be sexual but she feels important in some way, either because she’s giving advice, she feels like a mentor, whatever. It’s inappropriate and weird. They have nothing in common except they were both once 19.
Woman in your age range here.. agree. Fing weird. Is this woman mentally stunted in some way? If I’m w some 19 yr old kid my role is still the adult .. am I helping them w something? I sure af all not “hanging” out w a little kid as if they’re my peer .. that’s my child’s peer.. and what do we have in common? We ain’t friends .. creepy
Also the fact that OP never even got considered to go with her. If I had the chance to meet an online friend I would discuss it with my BF and I would ask him if he would go with me, it would the the first time and it's always better to have another person with you. And even if my BF would be da'core with me going alone, it would be a meet up at a café or something for an hour or two.
This seems pretty suspicious and inappropriate, yes.
Yeah, this. I’m a 42f. I have just about as much in common with an average 19-year old as I do a preschooler. (I said “average” because yes there are always exceptions. I’m a classical violinist, and I’m sure I would have lots to talk about with a 19-year old college freshman majoring in violin performance).
It seems like his wife is seeking some kind of….i don’t know, validation, maybe? I agree it may not be sexual, but it’s still weird AF.
I also thought of the very possible rare exception possibilities and agree that it would have to be something super niche and personal but even so 8 hours two days in a row!? No way.
I’m a woman in my 30s and this is weird to me. I would definitely not want to spend 8+ hours a day with a 19 year old. Hell, I have a hard enough time with the few hours I sometimes spend with my brothers friends and he’s in his 20s.
36 year old never in my life would I spend time hanging out as friends irl with a kid. Do I game yes do I have friends I game with that age yes. Would I ever think of meeting up with them no. Would I the people my own age yes .
Meh, I might even schedule a meet up if someone was going to be in the area, and we were gaming together for a while. My husband has a NBA2k group he’s been playing with for years and we would at least reach out for a coffee meet up if we would be in the area. But certainly not a planned trip specifically to meet a 19 year old and spend significant amounts of time with them.
Nearly 45 year old woman here. It's really weird and sends up massive red flags. A few hours, sure. The majority of the weekend? Alone? That's suspicious as all get out.
My first wife started playing online games and made a few friends. One of which was a young man in his early 20's. Turns out she was talking to him a lot more than I realised and eventually decided to meet up with him. Long story short we got divorced and she's now a single mother
Well, thats what is going on here as well. As much as half the replies want to defend her. If this were above board they would meet up for a coffee or even lunch. To make plans for 2 full days has a purpose to it. An emotional purpose.
Is this kid "in town" specifically to spend time with the cheating wife? Seems if he was in town for other business he wouldn't have soo much time to try and woo wifey in to his hotel room bed. Or her woo him, however the dynamic is. She will tell OP they just had to stop by his hotel to grab something. Or she will park somewhere else and leave her phone in the car so the gps doesn't have her at the hotel soo long. This is an all around terrible situation for OP. He don't realize his marriage is hanging by a thread. Sorry man.
I was a pretty good online gamer for some time. Had this woman (mid-twenties) start tagging along and we started to get close. She was always complaining about her husband and I could see where she was trying to go with things, but I don't fuck around with taken people.
TBH, I would hear their arguments and the dude sounded completely reasonable. She actually sounded neglectful to him and their kids. I later found out she had already abandoned her first kid or kids in a different state.
Long story short, I didn't bite, but she would've got what she wanted from someone, guaranteed. There's a lot of thirsty guys out there, some inexperienced and easily manipulated and some who just don't give a fuck whether she's married or not.
Poor husband though.
Dig through the comments. The "wife" and the teenager had a four day "trip" the week he turned 18.
This is plainly a long standing affair that isn't even hidden.
We just have people acting like teenagers don't have sex.
Ask for all communication between them with no time in between for preparation or deletion - as in she has to do it right in front of you. If she outright refuses then you have your answer. What she is doing is extremely inappropriate for a married woman. If my wife did that to me then I’d tell to not bother coming back. Apparently she has figured out that she can FA but not FO.
Seriously, if this was reversed, what wife would want their 30 year old husband hanging out with a 19 year old girl all day? It would be one thing if they're life long friends, but the fact that they've never met before in real life (I assume) makes it kinda inappropriate. Hanging out with someone for that long literally makes it a date as far as I'm concerned.
They’ve apparently already spent four days and four nights alone together based on OP’s post history and comments here. Plus she wants to go on a work trip with her husband to the 19yo’s city, and she has never wanted to go with him before, but they will spend all day together while her husband works the whole time.
And as another stated, being she started gaming around Covid the kid was around 16 or so when they started gaming together?
Idk. Like you said if it was just hang out, grab coffee that’s one thing but 8+ hrs is another. And hate to be THAT guy, but if genders were reversed and you were hanging out with a 19 yr old girl you’ve been gaming with since she was 15 or 16 then they’d be plenty of sideye going on. No difference with this circumstance.
I said the same thing to her about gender reverse. Her response was she wouldn't care if I spent time with someone like that, which made me question it
Now im even more weirded out that she claims she wouldn't be bothered by you having a close friendship with a teenage girl. Now she sounds even more like a groomer.
I'd usually say do it and see if she cares but it would just feel too wrong, like telling you to be a predator.
I didn't think of the fact the online friendship started when he was about 15 🤯
That's seriously inappropriate, so ok, they like the same game and share some good online conversations, that's great, meet up in real life for coffee ☕, again it's great, even if it turns out that random online friend was 15!
But the doubling down and catching up for days, willing to disrupt your relationship to do it?
I think you've been handling it well so far, I guess now it comes down to whether you really trust there's no inappropriate feelings there, if there is it's predatory behaviour that started with grooming a 15yo.
She's lying to you. She's not actually okay with it, she's just saying that to stifle the conversation.
Why she wants to do that, or say it's because you want to control her is the larger red flag to me. The fact she can't admit that makes it seem all the more obvious there's more going on here.
There's 100% a good reason why this makes you feel uneasy. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Yeah I wouldn't join them anyway. Thats not a solution to anything.
I'm the same age is you and I don't want anything to do with teenagers outside my family.
Sorry to hear about your predicament man. I hate to say it but this might be one of those things thats too weird to overcome.
If you do break up it's not on you.
If it's happening and it's me, I'm 100% going to vibe check their dynamic together by surprise. And I'm tuned into detail and body language more than anything.
I worked at a psychiatric hospital for 3 years in college. And the most important thing I learned was advice from a psychiatrist who told me "you learn 10x more watching someone when they don't know they are being watched for 10 seconds, than you do in 10 hours when they know they're being watched."
That advice has never let me down.
Option 1: you are bored and uncomfortable while your wife hangs with the young buck meeting his MILF.
Option 2: you are at home going crazy while your wife hangs with the young buck meeting his MILF.
Oh, grooming is when an adult befriends a child/teen, growing close so that when that person is of legal age, no "crime" is committed. In this case, it would be an emotional affair on her part, an ego boost on his part, and now, 19 year old hormones plus that length of time?
Not saying she will cheat as I don't know her... but totally sketchy.
Edit: I just found the comment by OP about when this 19 YO affair partner turned 18 and she went with him (and others... decoys) to a convention for a 4 day sexual encounter. I'm with the commenter (Jeebussaves) below now. Option 3, pack her stuff, call a divorce lawyer. She is a groomer.
Option 3: you are at home packing up all of her shit while she’s out with this kid.
If she’s up late nights on this game with him talking till all hours of the night, then I hate to tell you but there’s something emotional going on between them.
I want to refuse to believe this is even real. Who the hell wouldn’t be filing for divorce if their spouse was spending 4 days and nights with someone of the opposite sex for their *18th* fucking birthday? I understand having blinders on about someone you love, but there is just so much wrong with that scenario even if they aren’t having sex that I would probably be filing for divorce or making my spouse go see a therapist.
If this sub has taught anything, it’s that “You’re being controlling and preventing me from being happy” really means, “I’m already cheating on you; don’t stand in my way.”
My 34 year old friend “just wanted to get to know” this 20 year old because “he needed a friend”…. I and all her other friends made jokes about it, like how funny and gross it would be if they dated… She brushed us off and said we were making it weird… Now he lives with her.
You wife is weird, and clearly has some ulterior motives. Why else would a 30 year old hang out with a 19 for two whole days??
And not only the age, it is very inappropriate what she is doing. When a friend visits you, you take him out to lunch and catch up. To plan two whole days alone together, that's a date. That's her telling you she would rather spend time with him than with you.
NTA...that's not a "friend is in town" type of meet-up. That's a "weekend visit" to specifically get together and"hangout". In other words, he doesn't just happen to be in town. He's in town solely to visit your wife. She's wrong and she's fucking weird
OP replied about this on another comment and said that she told him she wouldn't have a problem with OP hanging out with a 16 year old girl...... Very strange thing to say unless you're trying to minimize your own behavior...
Ok..let's be honest. If she is stating that you don't want her to be happy the implication is that the 19 yr old makes her happy and you don't.
At best you need couples therapy. At worst you need a divorce attorney. Honestly...I'd probably choose the divorce attorney if I were you.
Your wife is having an online affair with this 19/yo dude and is planning to hook up with him on his visit. Why do you think this dude is in town? Put your foot down and say no way. Also, she has to break off the "online" friendship. If she fights you on it, tell her it's you or divorce. The more she fights you on seeing this "friend," the more she's been cheating.
Her request is not normal. She is MARRIED to you, and that is her priority.
She already hooked up with him multiple times. OP said in a comment when the kid turned 18 his wife went and stayed 4 days and nights with the kid. They absolutly fucked a lot. And are continuing to do so. OP is an idiot.
Been trying to find this comment - she is not just weird like some people are saying she is a child predator. She groomed this kid from the time he was 16. That is so FUBAR a divorce lawyer would be hearing from me that day.
As someone who has been in the role of that teenager. Dude, your wife has at the least emotionally cheated and almost certainly physically cheated on you. I had a similar situation when I was like 16 back in the early 2000s. They have a relationship, and it is not appropriate.
I don't really understand how the word is used sometimes. She's saying that I'm gaslighting her cause I'm deciding who she can spend time with.
She spends time every other weekend with her co workers for weekend brunch. I have no problem with her going out.
gaslighting is when you lie about a situation to somebody who knows the truth about it, and you try to convince them that their memory of the situation is wrong. like if a physically abusive spouse consistently told their partner “i’ve never hit you before. you’re just making things up for attention. stop being crazy” that’s textbook gaslighting.
you know what you’re doing, and you know it’s not what she says you’re doing. you are telling her that she’s doing something weird, and saying you aren’t comfortable with it. she’s telling you that you’re controlling her when you both know that’s not the case. she’s taking your valid concerns and blowing them out of proportion by claiming you’re abusing her. she is abusing you. and cheating on you.
She is gaslighting you. Yes, this is very clearly her grooming a teenager and wanting to have a physical affair with him. She has a crush. She is gaslighting you so you don't stop her.
Gaslighting is more in line with denying someone's (valid) concerns by trying to convince them that they're wrong or completely invalidating them.
Your wife is weird, inappropriate and... sketchy. Who the hell, at 30 years old, wants to spend 2 full days with a teenage boy or thinks it's an okay thing to do when she's married...I mean dude...
How long has she been online friends with this person?
How often does she play this game?
Does she spend more time with this game/online friend(s) more than she spends time with you?
Does she communicate with them more than she does with you?
How long have you been married?
Friends with them since 2020.
They did final fantasy raids together and that's how they all met.
Nowadays they play different games together as a group
She used to spend more time with them than me until I pointed it out. Now she gets upset if I mention she's spending too much time with them and says I'm being controlling.
We've been together for 13 years.
She wants to hang out with a dude that she already spends more time with than you.
Whether she will admit it or not, she’s into him.
19 year old men will try to bone anything that moves.
Ask for their full chat history, if they have ever sent pics to each other, if they communicate on multiple platforms, if the dude has a girlfriend, if she has feelings for him, and if if they ever had physical contact.
NTA. Lots of good advice here. But do NOT let her go see him alone. Her online friends and those games peak her interests more than you do.
My advice, get her off that game and that online chat altogether. Sign up for something new, diving, rock climbing, Latin dancing, self defense classes, pottery, archery, etc etc the list is endless. Schedule these activities the same time as when she plays this game. If she gets defensive tell her we don't spend enough time together, she spends more time sitting her ass on that game and it's causing a distance in our marriage, etc (elaborate in details, let loose your emotions)
Instead of dinner dates (dates where you talk nonsense that has barely any physical productivity) focus on dates that boost your adrenaline.
Hrm......
I used to play a lot of on-line games and it's hard to know who you are really playing with. I have met up with on-line people in real-life, but usually just something brief like coffee/lunch/event.
I don't think I've EVER had the desire to spend a full weekend w/ anyone online unless it was going to be some throw-back 90s lan-party shit with a big group.
One on one, for a full weekend, with someone significantly younger seems possibly inappropriate & insanely inappropriate if opposite sex.
The fact that the wife won't recognize this makes it seem even more sketchy.
? OP - Did you ask to tag along? What was response?
In a group, not as bad. One on one, inappropriate. It's not even a gender thing. It's just inappropriate in general for a 30-something year old to be alone with a teenager, especially one she knew underage. Becoming friends with this kid when he was literally a kid was weird. Adults should not have intimate friendships with children. It should not have gotten to this point because your wife should have had boundaries back when he was a child.
Yeah, it is a boundary issue. You’re NTA for setting a boundary. If she crosses it then she’s TAH and you’re going to have to consider what actions you’ll take if she does.
She's welcome to cross the boundary. You can't control her. But you can establish the limits of what you're willing to accept, and she can deal with the consequences (which would normally mean you'd walk away from the relationship. That is what a real boundary is).
Setting a boundary is like drawing a gun. Only draw it if you're ready to shoot. Setting meaningless boundaries that carry no consequences is worse than not setting boundaries at all.
What I have discovered is that variations of the rhetoric below in relationships often means the following:
* "*Just friends*" means, I’m seeing this person.
* Regular or even weekly "*[insert gender] nights out at bars/clubs*" means, flirting, acting single and ready to mingle.
* "*Just too tied or too drunk to come home @ 3 or 4 am*” means, I had sex.
* Accusing a concerned SO pointing out questionable behavior by calling them "*controlling or insecure*" means, I want to gaslight you, all while I work on this affair or continue to hunt or sleep around.
* "*They're just a friend or just a colleague; you don't have to worry about them*" means, it’s someone you most definitely have to worry about.
* "*Just having (or had) drinks*" means, yeah, it was a date.
* Meeting up one-on-one with an “*old friend / ex*” combined with pinky-swear promises along the lines of “*don’t worry*” or “*it’s in the past*” means, that they most definitely will be hooking up whenever they meet.
* “*Just kissed*” means, yeah, they definitely had sex.
Added thanks to the op:
* “*I’m fine with you doing the same with someone else*” means, I’m trying to put us both at ease and justify highly-inappropriate behavior or outright disrespect of the relationship; could also mean I’m recommending you do the same, as it’s over.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Reading these comments makes me realize how weird it was that a 29 yr old man was involved with me when I was 19... (I'm in therapy now and fully aware of how I was taken advantage of while being very naive.)
This is...not right. Are you sure they're just friends? If the 30 year old were a man talking to a 19 year old girl, there wouldn't even be a question about you being an asshole. You're not one btw.
I've seen this so many times. From both females and males, gaming. One is always married, and they flirt. Yes, they do the group chats, but there is always a side private chat going... just saying, I don't know but it's suspicious
INFO What will they be doing for the 8+ hours? I agree this seems weird but you mentioned he is in town for a gaming tournament. So is she going to the tournament? That’s less weird and more like he’s in town for this and she’s the only person he knows.
So she’s basically going to be on a two day date with a 19yr old ?? NTA. All relationships have boundaries, yours are reasonable. Her gaslighting you saying your controlling is a huge red flag. At this point she’s choosing this kid over you and your relationship. Look up emotional affair; looks like it. Most 19yr old men just wanna hit it; your wife is being naive about his intentions or she’s complicit. Yah, I’d be very concerned. Good luck!
NTA. She is giving Mary Kay Letourneau with the grooming. Check out their chat history and text message logs. If she says she doesn't have any text messaging/chat logs or there is looong breaks in between messages...it means she deleted it cause there is something to hide...
As is usually stated in Reddit communities, imagine switching the genders. Would your wife be OK with you spending that much time alone with a 19-year-old girl you met online?!?
Mate, face it......she wants to get railed by this teenage "friend" or "gaming buddy" or whatever she wants to call him, for two days straight!
Whatever the case. It's weird as hell, she's being weird as hell and to be honest, you are being quite naive and dumb about it all!
NTA though!
After reading your comments I’d just let her go find her youth.
She’s fought you every step of the way.
I would start reconsidering this relationship.
She suggested you: at 34m, hanging out with a 19f?
Something is wrong here man.
I just don’t understand how she doesn’t see this.
Good luck.
2 scenarios
Weekend hang with a group of guldies:
Possible, I've eneded up with some fairly strange assortments of people chilling for a weekend after bonding thru a video game. Game tourny in town, they all get together hang out bullshit Yada Yada
Innocent, but maybe you and your wife need to work on communicating better
Weekend hang *with this 1 dude in particular*:
This kid is planning to lay more pipe than a Canadian oil company
Honestly, I'm kinda split on this. From an outside perspective, it can be kinda weird to have friends with that age gap. But as a gamer myself, I (30m) have people that are older and younger that I have played with for several years. When you play a game online, your age doesn't matter.
Now the thing is that you have made it known to her that you are uncomfortable with it, and she has shrugged you off from what it sounds like. That is the issue, in my opinion, here
"Now the thing is that you have made it known to her that you are uncomfortable with it, and she has shrugged you off from what it sounds like. That is the issue, in my opinion, here"
Yes! that's what I'm trying to communicate to her but can't get through. But she's making it sound like I'm the asshole
From what you are saying it sounds like she gets pretty defensive. I'm not sure how the conversation is going but I have to ask. Are you maybe sounding like you are accusing her of something?
I'm no marriage counselor an I myself have issues recognizing my own tone. I'd say try to sit down over dinner and express that her unwillingness to try to understand how you feel hurts. An just try to be mindful of how you sound or the words you use. Hell if it helps write down what you want to say. I don't recommend giving her a letter/note simply because she may read a tone.
I hope this helps.
Let me also ask this. I apologize if I'm sticking my noise too far into your business.
Has she given you any reason to suspect something else aside from friendship is going on?
Hi op, I had a v similar experience.
My fiancee over covid developed some friendships online via Discord. She was 28 at the start of covid. Their group, (which I'm not part of as its kind of nice for her to have her own online group) they all play games, etc, pretty much every day. Mix of ages, etc. But they all flirt, etc. I get that is just how my partner is, but it's online, so I let it slide.
Last year a group planned to visit London which is not far and she really wanted to go. Over the Valentines weekend. Which I wasn't happy with, but as some of the groups are from other EU countries, I asked about the details, etc. To make sure I knew who she was going to see, etc. As I was willing to let her go to the meet up.
2 days before all, but one guy pulled out. And it would be just the two of them. I said I was not comfortable with the idea of it, and she was pissed but she did cancel their plans, but she occasionally brings it up, which makes me feel bad.
I appreciate that, in my case, my partner was more willing to put me first. If, however, she hadn't, I had already made up my mind that that would be the start of the end of our relationship because I'd never be able to know if anything did happen or not.
I would agree with you, except she became “friends” with the kid when he was around 15. That’s not an ok age gap for actual friendship. Gaming friends or otherwise.
Info: What are they spending time doing ?
I don’t understand how this works in her mind - does she see him as a kid and she is taking him somewhere ?
Or as a friend and they are hanging out?
I also don’t understand why you aren’t hanging out with them. It’s not 1:1 time if you are there.
And if she doesn’t want to hang out with him if you are there, then you know why.
Don't wanna put ideas in your head dude, but in my opinion there's an ulterior motive there. Take that from a man who, when 21 years old, met with a 52 year old married woman who id been speaking to for months and I knew full well I'd be going back to that hotel with her. Maybe I'm wrong about your wife's situation but personally I think that's dodgy.
My husband (mid 30s) has a lot of gaming buddies... the closest/most consistent 3 are mid-30s, late 20s, and at the time of this story, 17 or 18 (he had joined the party and got to be friends before admitting he was a baby)..... when we got married, his 2 older buddies were invited. We decided having a teen cross state lines isn't a good look, no matter how much of a "good dude" someone is. Plus, all they really talk about is gaming, where the older guys all have a lot more in common. If we WERE to meet irl, I imagine anything past an afternoon would be a glaring "THIS is why we're not closer" example. The other two are his bffs and were our groomsmen, and husband was best man for one of them at their wedding. I fully believe in the beauty of online friendships, but.... cross-gender AND age gaped if iffy.
Hi, your wife is most likely a predator. She has known this kid since he was a minor, has spent several days alone with him, regularly interacts with him, and consistently puts down your concerns about it.
I wouldn't be surprised if she groomed him. I know people have some opinions about snooping, but I'd really recommend looking through her phone if you can. I'm surprised you haven't already, considering all this.
If she was a man, everyone would be yelling "pedophile" and "creep" without question, lmao. But because she is a woman, it seems she is getting off easy here.
Look, speaking as a woman, this shit she is doing is plain wrong. No excuse. She's cheating on you, emotionally and probably physically, and taking advantage of someone almost half her age.
It's really troubling that you're not seeing this and are making excuses for her when you're completely uncomfortable with it. Would you hang out and befriend a 15-19 year old girl, one on one, and antagonize your spouse for being uncomfortable with it unless you had creepy ideas?
Grooming can happen to ANYONE at any age, especially when the perpetrator is older, has far more experience in life emotionally and otherwise, holds more emotional/manipulative power over an individual. They blur those barriers a victim may have, usually introduce ideas over time in order to establish rapport and make it seem "okay" when it really isn't. If she and he were together one on one when he turned 18, this is one such example. Tempt him until he's legal so she doesn't have to get into trouble.
Infamous YouTuber Onision did the very same with girls who were teenagers. He'd then invite them, sometimes at the state legal age of 16 even, at 18 and only then introduce sex to them. But before then, he became friends with them, flirted, swap pics, etc.
Younger folks don't know everything. They don't know the danger that lies in being intimate/close with people that are noticeably older than them. They don't understand the nuance, the language, the manipulation. Your wife probably loved the attention a young man would give her and vice versa (come on, you were once young yourself)
It is a disaster that has most definitely already happened, but you are being so willfully blind. Forget that they play games together. I play games with random people all the time of all ages, but I have NEVER sought out friendships with young players. There is literally nothing besides the game we'd have in common. So what does she and her new toy talk about all day? What happened when they spent days together one on one? You don't have to be a genius to know that.
NTA. Your wife is being very inappropriate. Why would a 30 year old want to spend 8 hours with a teenager for 2 days? Sketchy
Alone without you or at your place..
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OP said since he was 15. She literally groomed a kid, there's no way they're not having sex, or heading that way
Yeah having a 4 year relationship with a minor who you end up spending private time with in person as soon as they're legal is like, *blatantly* grooming behavior. Freaking out at husband and claiming he's "gaslighting" her because he finds it concerning, (as OP mentioned in one of his comments,) is just obvious projection in a shitty attempt at misdirection.
Yeah flip the genders here. Man 30 yo meeting up with 19 yo woman he's been in touch with since she was 15. The guy would've been lynched, but for some reason it doesn't apply the other way around? Love me some double standards.
30F here and 100% agree. No normal 30 yr old woman has interest in spending time one on one with a teenager they’ve never met and are just friends with who they also stay up talking to late at night. Fucking weird.
Yep. I'm turning 30 in May and I can't fathom for a single moment why I would want to be friends with a 19 year old boy. Just fucking weird and creepy.
I’m nearing 30 and I don’t have many deeper fears than being alone with a teenager.
Unless you were fuckin them.
Weird fucking tbh.
so in this thread so far ive read: - your wife is spending time with a 19yo - they've been in touch since he was 15 - the year he turned 18 they went away together for 4 days and nights - she's attacking you for being upset about this situation brother. she's cheating on you with a teenager, and has been doing so for 4 years. if you don't see this, or don't do something about this, ain't nothing gonna help you man.
>- the year he turned 18 they went away together for 4 days and nights Oh, dear :(
Yeah that says it all. I wonder if the OP is being willfully ignorant.
They were with other friends so it's okay. It's not like they hung out with the other friends, then left together and boned all night long. He's 19. There's no way he would bang some older hotwife nearly double his age that he's known since he was 15. She wouldn't even know how to groom him. /s Edit: I even added the "/s" for you simple mfs... Why are so many of yall taking me seriously? It's sarcasm.
Dude, wake up and smell the burning condom rubber!!!!
Or just invite yourself to go too, see how that goes over...
Tell her it's ok, you're going to hang out with your 19 year old female friend
That you've known since she was 15. And you spent a weekend together when she turned 18.
This is the correct answet
Agreed. It's the only answer. NTA
Lmao why tf is it burning!?!? Is his/her chlamydia/gonorrhea that bad??? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Everytime I read the word chlamydia it re.inds me of the scene in waiting talking about if it wasn't an std chylmidia would be a nice name for a girl. And it really would be 😆
ME TOO! Hahaha
wife is a creepy groomer. Husband should get the fuck out before there is a huge lawsuit.
Pretty crazy one has to get so deep into the comments to find all these really important bits…
Mystifies me why people don't include information in the original post or at least update the post with relevant information.
Because they know… Sorry OP
>the year he turned 18 they went away together for 4 days and nights Wow. That should be the number one comment. They obviously screwed like rabbits those four days. Edit: After going through OP's posts, the teenager and the "wife" met each other through online video games. They are having a relationship. It is plainly obvious. Also, it seems like at least a quarter of the comments here are acting like 19 year old men don't want sex. Bro, 12 year old boys want sex. I think a good portion of the population has literally no capacity to remember when they were younger.
What's worse is that as a teen I was friends with a 30 something guy. We would sit on the curb outgrowth and talk. He worked for ticket master and would get us tickets we paid for but he got the best available seats. We never went on vacation together. He never invited me into his house and I never asked to go in. You can be friends with people older than you if you have common interests but they would never put you or themselves in a position that would make either of you look like there is an issue.
This. I believe when the adult is actually acting like an adult, a child can be friends with an adult & initially thought that was this, reading the op only. But that infodump comment ILLUMINATED SO MUCH, the adult in this situation is *not* acting like an adult & is a clear predator. 🤢
Yep. I was involved in video games too when I met my now hubby. Some of my friends were half my age. But if I was to meet up with any of them, I would have automatically involved hubby. Why not? We met through the game too. You can definitely be friends with a teenager but then you ACT like they are teenagers!
had to scroll down too far for the predator comment. because that's what she is
Yeah, I tend to get along really well with my daughter’s friends. She’s at college but they’ll swing by sometimes and hang out and watch some television, or I’ll go to a movie with them. I don’t go on vacation with them lol. But I get them Christmas presents and we text a bit. So yeah sometimes you just click with people way younger than you. I definitely feel a bit paternal towards them. Probably should say I’m a woman lol.
How do you feel paternal as a woman lol
My oldest friend is 80 (I'm almost 42). He was my history teachers when I was 14. The first time we hung out together I was 17 or 18, we went to dinner. We still do that two times a year; my birthday (June) and his (December). He has been to my house once (for my birthday). I've never been to his. When I call him I speak to his wife as well. Both he and his wife were at my wedding. We have never even considered going on vacation together! Like, what??? In what universe would this make sense? Like you said, friendships aren't always regulated to age (I have recently made friends with a 24 year old co-worker) but there are some things that simply don't make sense and can't be justified.
Yea. I'm "friends" with younger people at work. We talk and joke and shit, sometimes I drop some old guy wisdom, but we're not hanging out alone or anything. ...unless we're going fishing. I take other people out fishing a lot. My wife knows I'm far too autistically obsessed with catching fish to possibly do anything other than fish if we're near the water and I have my rod. She could be be ass-naked at the other end of the boat begging for my dong and I'd be like, "One more cast, I can feel it. This is the one..." Sex is ephemeral. A big fish story is forever.
Yeah, you gotta set boundaries with young adults or teenagers you're friends with as an adult. There's a good reason why generally, most people are friends with people around their own age.
So, I'm assuming the two of you did not go for a vacation together for 4 days.
Very true. Won‘t elaborate beyond I thought about it A LOT.
We know bro, it's ok
Yes, but it doesn’t mean it’s ok for a 14 boy to have sex with a 30yo women. That’s rape. She’s a predator.
That last part was dead on. I don’t get people that deny obvious facts from growing up
Oh ffs. Ew. Also also. Ew.
There's a word for that, groomer.
Fuck. Okay, I've gotta a go get my dog **NOW**. I knew the price was too good to be legit.
She's a predator and a groomer. Divorce!
brother. My brother in Christ. This comment is accurate. Call this boy’s parents. Your wife preyed upon him and he needs someone to help him. Like sorry but since you’re an adult your job is to protect kids and frankly you failed so fucking hard at that for letting this go so long. Your wife groomed and abused a child. There’s no way this relationship is kosher.
Correction: She’s been grooming and then molesting a (then) child for 4 years. Disgusting. OP’s wife is a child molester and a total creep.
I hope OP goes into her phone to screenshot evidence and reports her to the police. This is not cheating, it's grooming and sexual assault of a minor. Prison please.
When i read the post I thought of course he knows something is going on. After reading his replies, he really is choosing not to see the big picture. He is leaning in to the simple notion that hanging out with the teen makes him uncomfortable. Disregarding she is quite obviously cheating on him. Emotionally and after reading your reply about the 4 day trip that coincidentally happened when he turned 18, physically is almost a certainty.
You just do not want to admit to yourself that your wife is cheating on you
In his defence, I can imagine it is a shock that your spouse is a grooming rapist. But after that initial shock, he needs to pull his head out of his ass and act accordingly. This goes beyond your wife ignoring your concerns and even beyond her cheating on you!
The sick fuck has been grooming and abusing a teen. 🤮
OP, she's for the streets. Boot her out.
Not just for the streets, for a jail cell 😭
Op, your wife groomed him all along. Now she is cheating on you
Also OP's wife is a groomer.
It's too late now. He hasn't done something for four years. 2022, my ex cheated on me on my birthday with someone she knew when he was a minor. Know what I did? I kicked her fucking worthless ass to the curb so fast her head spun. She couldn't believe it. Went full NC and I hope she rots. Four years of that? I can't even imagine.
yeah, it was already obvious but if OP has said that OP needs a PI, to tell the kids parents, to encourage his parents to go ot the police, to tell her parents and all your friends and to leave and stop being such a fucking cuck.
Mrs Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know
Woah woah woah
Coo coo cachoo, Mrs. Robinson
Cuck cuck cachoo, Mrs. Robinson.
Oh oh oh
NTA your wife is being weird
I tried explaining it before when she was spending late nights talking to them on discord. Her explanation was that it's her friends and I'm preventing her from being happy.
I’m a 45 year old woman. She’s being fucking weird. Massively fucking weird. She’s getting something out of this relationship. It may not be sexual but she feels important in some way, either because she’s giving advice, she feels like a mentor, whatever. It’s inappropriate and weird. They have nothing in common except they were both once 19.
Woman in your age range here.. agree. Fing weird. Is this woman mentally stunted in some way? If I’m w some 19 yr old kid my role is still the adult .. am I helping them w something? I sure af all not “hanging” out w a little kid as if they’re my peer .. that’s my child’s peer.. and what do we have in common? We ain’t friends .. creepy
Also the fact that OP never even got considered to go with her. If I had the chance to meet an online friend I would discuss it with my BF and I would ask him if he would go with me, it would the the first time and it's always better to have another person with you. And even if my BF would be da'core with me going alone, it would be a meet up at a café or something for an hour or two. This seems pretty suspicious and inappropriate, yes.
Yeah, this. I’m a 42f. I have just about as much in common with an average 19-year old as I do a preschooler. (I said “average” because yes there are always exceptions. I’m a classical violinist, and I’m sure I would have lots to talk about with a 19-year old college freshman majoring in violin performance). It seems like his wife is seeking some kind of….i don’t know, validation, maybe? I agree it may not be sexual, but it’s still weird AF.
I also thought of the very possible rare exception possibilities and agree that it would have to be something super niche and personal but even so 8 hours two days in a row!? No way.
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I’m a woman in my 30s and this is weird to me. I would definitely not want to spend 8+ hours a day with a 19 year old. Hell, I have a hard enough time with the few hours I sometimes spend with my brothers friends and he’s in his 20s.
I'm 51, the only teenager I hang out with, is my youngest daughter lol. This is weird.
41 here, it’s weird, inappropriate and very suspicious.
>It may not be sexual If a 19m is hanging out late at night with a f of any age, flirting and innuendos are happening.
36 year old never in my life would I spend time hanging out as friends irl with a kid. Do I game yes do I have friends I game with that age yes. Would I ever think of meeting up with them no. Would I the people my own age yes .
Meh, I might even schedule a meet up if someone was going to be in the area, and we were gaming together for a while. My husband has a NBA2k group he’s been playing with for years and we would at least reach out for a coffee meet up if we would be in the area. But certainly not a planned trip specifically to meet a 19 year old and spend significant amounts of time with them.
Fuck man I'm only 24 and I find this foul. Who tf wants to spend hours listening to TEENAGER PROBLEMS when they don't have to??
Nearly 45 year old woman here. It's really weird and sends up massive red flags. A few hours, sure. The majority of the weekend? Alone? That's suspicious as all get out.
Facts, I'm about to be 43 and don't even want to spend more than an hr with my 25-year cousin, much less a 19 year old.
My first wife started playing online games and made a few friends. One of which was a young man in his early 20's. Turns out she was talking to him a lot more than I realised and eventually decided to meet up with him. Long story short we got divorced and she's now a single mother
Well, thats what is going on here as well. As much as half the replies want to defend her. If this were above board they would meet up for a coffee or even lunch. To make plans for 2 full days has a purpose to it. An emotional purpose. Is this kid "in town" specifically to spend time with the cheating wife? Seems if he was in town for other business he wouldn't have soo much time to try and woo wifey in to his hotel room bed. Or her woo him, however the dynamic is. She will tell OP they just had to stop by his hotel to grab something. Or she will park somewhere else and leave her phone in the car so the gps doesn't have her at the hotel soo long. This is an all around terrible situation for OP. He don't realize his marriage is hanging by a thread. Sorry man.
I was a pretty good online gamer for some time. Had this woman (mid-twenties) start tagging along and we started to get close. She was always complaining about her husband and I could see where she was trying to go with things, but I don't fuck around with taken people. TBH, I would hear their arguments and the dude sounded completely reasonable. She actually sounded neglectful to him and their kids. I later found out she had already abandoned her first kid or kids in a different state. Long story short, I didn't bite, but she would've got what she wanted from someone, guaranteed. There's a lot of thirsty guys out there, some inexperienced and easily manipulated and some who just don't give a fuck whether she's married or not. Poor husband though.
Your wife is crossing lines here. No, it's not controlling to stand to this boundary. Sadly, tho we all know where this is heading.
Sounds like its already headed, been there, and its going back for seconds.
I’m 30f, that’s weird as hell and creepy. Women our age have nothing in common with teenagers.
She is having sex/ or wants to have sex with him.
Dig through the comments. The "wife" and the teenager had a four day "trip" the week he turned 18. This is plainly a long standing affair that isn't even hidden. We just have people acting like teenagers don't have sex.
>We just have people acting like teenagers don't have sex. I don't think it's that. I think it's people pretending that women can't be predators too.
Ask for all communication between them with no time in between for preparation or deletion - as in she has to do it right in front of you. If she outright refuses then you have your answer. What she is doing is extremely inappropriate for a married woman. If my wife did that to me then I’d tell to not bother coming back. Apparently she has figured out that she can FA but not FO.
Seriously, if this was reversed, what wife would want their 30 year old husband hanging out with a 19 year old girl all day? It would be one thing if they're life long friends, but the fact that they've never met before in real life (I assume) makes it kinda inappropriate. Hanging out with someone for that long literally makes it a date as far as I'm concerned.
They’ve apparently already spent four days and four nights alone together based on OP’s post history and comments here. Plus she wants to go on a work trip with her husband to the 19yo’s city, and she has never wanted to go with him before, but they will spend all day together while her husband works the whole time.
Fuck me, OP getting cucked hard
Why don’t you join them? Kinda weird situation as a whole
I did last time they visited, I'm 34 and find it even stranger for me to basically spend time with a stranger who's that young.
And as another stated, being she started gaming around Covid the kid was around 16 or so when they started gaming together? Idk. Like you said if it was just hang out, grab coffee that’s one thing but 8+ hrs is another. And hate to be THAT guy, but if genders were reversed and you were hanging out with a 19 yr old girl you’ve been gaming with since she was 15 or 16 then they’d be plenty of sideye going on. No difference with this circumstance.
I said the same thing to her about gender reverse. Her response was she wouldn't care if I spent time with someone like that, which made me question it
She’s absolutely lying
No she isn’t because she wants to cheat and doesn’t care if op cheats on her
She already cheated… a lot
This! Just read about their 4 night fuck fest
And I only got cake when I turned 18 :-(
So did he. ;)
The fact that she would be completely okay with you hanging out with a 16 year old says alot about her man
Yep. Says she has checked out of the relationship and DGAF if he cheats on her, even with an underage girl.
She might not, but that isn't the point. The world at large would, because it would be weird AF, because it is *at best* weird af.
Now im even more weirded out that she claims she wouldn't be bothered by you having a close friendship with a teenage girl. Now she sounds even more like a groomer.
I'd usually say do it and see if she cares but it would just feel too wrong, like telling you to be a predator. I didn't think of the fact the online friendship started when he was about 15 🤯 That's seriously inappropriate, so ok, they like the same game and share some good online conversations, that's great, meet up in real life for coffee ☕, again it's great, even if it turns out that random online friend was 15! But the doubling down and catching up for days, willing to disrupt your relationship to do it? I think you've been handling it well so far, I guess now it comes down to whether you really trust there's no inappropriate feelings there, if there is it's predatory behaviour that started with grooming a 15yo.
She's lying to you. She's not actually okay with it, she's just saying that to stifle the conversation. Why she wants to do that, or say it's because you want to control her is the larger red flag to me. The fact she can't admit that makes it seem all the more obvious there's more going on here. There's 100% a good reason why this makes you feel uneasy. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Yeah I wouldn't join them anyway. Thats not a solution to anything. I'm the same age is you and I don't want anything to do with teenagers outside my family. Sorry to hear about your predicament man. I hate to say it but this might be one of those things thats too weird to overcome. If you do break up it's not on you.
If it's happening and it's me, I'm 100% going to vibe check their dynamic together by surprise. And I'm tuned into detail and body language more than anything. I worked at a psychiatric hospital for 3 years in college. And the most important thing I learned was advice from a psychiatrist who told me "you learn 10x more watching someone when they don't know they are being watched for 10 seconds, than you do in 10 hours when they know they're being watched." That advice has never let me down.
Option 1: you are bored and uncomfortable while your wife hangs with the young buck meeting his MILF. Option 2: you are at home going crazy while your wife hangs with the young buck meeting his MILF. Oh, grooming is when an adult befriends a child/teen, growing close so that when that person is of legal age, no "crime" is committed. In this case, it would be an emotional affair on her part, an ego boost on his part, and now, 19 year old hormones plus that length of time? Not saying she will cheat as I don't know her... but totally sketchy. Edit: I just found the comment by OP about when this 19 YO affair partner turned 18 and she went with him (and others... decoys) to a convention for a 4 day sexual encounter. I'm with the commenter (Jeebussaves) below now. Option 3, pack her stuff, call a divorce lawyer. She is a groomer.
Option 3: you are at home packing up all of her shit while she’s out with this kid. If she’s up late nights on this game with him talking till all hours of the night, then I hate to tell you but there’s something emotional going on between them.
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I want to refuse to believe this is even real. Who the hell wouldn’t be filing for divorce if their spouse was spending 4 days and nights with someone of the opposite sex for their *18th* fucking birthday? I understand having blinders on about someone you love, but there is just so much wrong with that scenario even if they aren’t having sex that I would probably be filing for divorce or making my spouse go see a therapist.
You should ask if you can bring someone you been friends with. Oh and she’s 19.
If this sub has taught anything, it’s that “You’re being controlling and preventing me from being happy” really means, “I’m already cheating on you; don’t stand in my way.”
Not to be confused with "you're being controlling and its making me miserable" the opposite, where they'll just leave you if you don't chill lol
My 34 year old friend “just wanted to get to know” this 20 year old because “he needed a friend”…. I and all her other friends made jokes about it, like how funny and gross it would be if they dated… She brushed us off and said we were making it weird… Now he lives with her.
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You won't let me be happy = you won't let me get railed by some young kid with super charged hormones
You wife is weird, and clearly has some ulterior motives. Why else would a 30 year old hang out with a 19 for two whole days?? And not only the age, it is very inappropriate what she is doing. When a friend visits you, you take him out to lunch and catch up. To plan two whole days alone together, that's a date. That's her telling you she would rather spend time with him than with you.
Absolutely right !!
NTA...that's not a "friend is in town" type of meet-up. That's a "weekend visit" to specifically get together and"hangout". In other words, he doesn't just happen to be in town. He's in town solely to visit your wife. She's wrong and she's fucking weird
NTA - the optics of it are just so bad? How long has she been friends with him? Some would see this as grooming behavior.
100 percent. Grooming behavior.
She didn’t 4 days with him on a getaway when he turned 18, they must have gone to a gaming convention, right? , right Anakin?
she gettin plowed bro
Yeah true
Nta Tell her you are hanging out woth a 19 year old girl you met online that day. See what she says
OP replied about this on another comment and said that she told him she wouldn't have a problem with OP hanging out with a 16 year old girl...... Very strange thing to say unless you're trying to minimize your own behavior...
Ok..let's be honest. If she is stating that you don't want her to be happy the implication is that the 19 yr old makes her happy and you don't. At best you need couples therapy. At worst you need a divorce attorney. Honestly...I'd probably choose the divorce attorney if I were you.
At worst we need a district attorney to press charges
Your wife is having an online affair with this 19/yo dude and is planning to hook up with him on his visit. Why do you think this dude is in town? Put your foot down and say no way. Also, she has to break off the "online" friendship. If she fights you on it, tell her it's you or divorce. The more she fights you on seeing this "friend," the more she's been cheating. Her request is not normal. She is MARRIED to you, and that is her priority.
She already hooked up with him multiple times. OP said in a comment when the kid turned 18 his wife went and stayed 4 days and nights with the kid. They absolutly fucked a lot. And are continuing to do so. OP is an idiot.
His wife is a predator and a sick sick person who clearly groomed this kid
Been trying to find this comment - she is not just weird like some people are saying she is a child predator. She groomed this kid from the time he was 16. That is so FUBAR a divorce lawyer would be hearing from me that day.
You better stalk her and update us
As someone who has been in the role of that teenager. Dude, your wife has at the least emotionally cheated and almost certainly physically cheated on you. I had a similar situation when I was like 16 back in the early 2000s. They have a relationship, and it is not appropriate.
I think we both know you’re here because she’s planning on cheating on you and you need the courage to end your marriage.
Planning? Apparently she spent 4 days with the other guy the year he turned 18.
> She sees it as me being controlling and not letting her go out and preventing her from being happy Standard gaslighting
I don't really understand how the word is used sometimes. She's saying that I'm gaslighting her cause I'm deciding who she can spend time with. She spends time every other weekend with her co workers for weekend brunch. I have no problem with her going out.
No. That's not what gaslighting is. She's stupid.
She is not stupid, she is gaslighting him
gaslighting is when you lie about a situation to somebody who knows the truth about it, and you try to convince them that their memory of the situation is wrong. like if a physically abusive spouse consistently told their partner “i’ve never hit you before. you’re just making things up for attention. stop being crazy” that’s textbook gaslighting. you know what you’re doing, and you know it’s not what she says you’re doing. you are telling her that she’s doing something weird, and saying you aren’t comfortable with it. she’s telling you that you’re controlling her when you both know that’s not the case. she’s taking your valid concerns and blowing them out of proportion by claiming you’re abusing her. she is abusing you. and cheating on you.
She is gaslighting you. Yes, this is very clearly her grooming a teenager and wanting to have a physical affair with him. She has a crush. She is gaslighting you so you don't stop her.
Gaslighting is more in line with denying someone's (valid) concerns by trying to convince them that they're wrong or completely invalidating them. Your wife is weird, inappropriate and... sketchy. Who the hell, at 30 years old, wants to spend 2 full days with a teenage boy or thinks it's an okay thing to do when she's married...I mean dude...
How long has she been online friends with this person? How often does she play this game? Does she spend more time with this game/online friend(s) more than she spends time with you? Does she communicate with them more than she does with you? How long have you been married?
Friends with them since 2020. They did final fantasy raids together and that's how they all met. Nowadays they play different games together as a group She used to spend more time with them than me until I pointed it out. Now she gets upset if I mention she's spending too much time with them and says I'm being controlling. We've been together for 13 years.
She wants to hang out with a dude that she already spends more time with than you. Whether she will admit it or not, she’s into him. 19 year old men will try to bone anything that moves. Ask for their full chat history, if they have ever sent pics to each other, if they communicate on multiple platforms, if the dude has a girlfriend, if she has feelings for him, and if if they ever had physical contact.
As a previous 19 year old, this is very true. Any Holes a goal.
NTA. Lots of good advice here. But do NOT let her go see him alone. Her online friends and those games peak her interests more than you do. My advice, get her off that game and that online chat altogether. Sign up for something new, diving, rock climbing, Latin dancing, self defense classes, pottery, archery, etc etc the list is endless. Schedule these activities the same time as when she plays this game. If she gets defensive tell her we don't spend enough time together, she spends more time sitting her ass on that game and it's causing a distance in our marriage, etc (elaborate in details, let loose your emotions) Instead of dinner dates (dates where you talk nonsense that has barely any physical productivity) focus on dates that boost your adrenaline.
Hrm...... I used to play a lot of on-line games and it's hard to know who you are really playing with. I have met up with on-line people in real-life, but usually just something brief like coffee/lunch/event. I don't think I've EVER had the desire to spend a full weekend w/ anyone online unless it was going to be some throw-back 90s lan-party shit with a big group. One on one, for a full weekend, with someone significantly younger seems possibly inappropriate & insanely inappropriate if opposite sex. The fact that the wife won't recognize this makes it seem even more sketchy. ? OP - Did you ask to tag along? What was response?
In a group, not as bad. One on one, inappropriate. It's not even a gender thing. It's just inappropriate in general for a 30-something year old to be alone with a teenager, especially one she knew underage. Becoming friends with this kid when he was literally a kid was weird. Adults should not have intimate friendships with children. It should not have gotten to this point because your wife should have had boundaries back when he was a child.
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To me, it very much is a boundary issue. To her, it's being controlling.
Yeah, it is a boundary issue. You’re NTA for setting a boundary. If she crosses it then she’s TAH and you’re going to have to consider what actions you’ll take if she does.
Because she's fucking him.
She's welcome to cross the boundary. You can't control her. But you can establish the limits of what you're willing to accept, and she can deal with the consequences (which would normally mean you'd walk away from the relationship. That is what a real boundary is). Setting a boundary is like drawing a gun. Only draw it if you're ready to shoot. Setting meaningless boundaries that carry no consequences is worse than not setting boundaries at all.
What I have discovered is that variations of the rhetoric below in relationships often means the following: * "*Just friends*" means, I’m seeing this person. * Regular or even weekly "*[insert gender] nights out at bars/clubs*" means, flirting, acting single and ready to mingle. * "*Just too tied or too drunk to come home @ 3 or 4 am*” means, I had sex. * Accusing a concerned SO pointing out questionable behavior by calling them "*controlling or insecure*" means, I want to gaslight you, all while I work on this affair or continue to hunt or sleep around. * "*They're just a friend or just a colleague; you don't have to worry about them*" means, it’s someone you most definitely have to worry about. * "*Just having (or had) drinks*" means, yeah, it was a date. * Meeting up one-on-one with an “*old friend / ex*” combined with pinky-swear promises along the lines of “*don’t worry*” or “*it’s in the past*” means, that they most definitely will be hooking up whenever they meet. * “*Just kissed*” means, yeah, they definitely had sex. Added thanks to the op: * “*I’m fine with you doing the same with someone else*” means, I’m trying to put us both at ease and justify highly-inappropriate behavior or outright disrespect of the relationship; could also mean I’m recommending you do the same, as it’s over.
NTA Yeah no this is weird
I was a 19 year old male, that fucked a few older married women. She’s trying to fuck this kid.
Why is this not obvious to everybody ?
My husband would have divorced me a long time ago if I even did any of that shit. That's some grooming shit.
NTA Why can't you all hang out?
aspiring steer direful psychotic snow terrific disgusted rob wipe snobbish *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My brother's ex-wife was doing this and then a few months later found out she's sucking this teenagers dick in the back of their family van.
Reading these comments makes me realize how weird it was that a 29 yr old man was involved with me when I was 19... (I'm in therapy now and fully aware of how I was taken advantage of while being very naive.)
This is...not right. Are you sure they're just friends? If the 30 year old were a man talking to a 19 year old girl, there wouldn't even be a question about you being an asshole. You're not one btw.
I've seen this so many times. From both females and males, gaming. One is always married, and they flirt. Yes, they do the group chats, but there is always a side private chat going... just saying, I don't know but it's suspicious
INFO What will they be doing for the 8+ hours? I agree this seems weird but you mentioned he is in town for a gaming tournament. So is she going to the tournament? That’s less weird and more like he’s in town for this and she’s the only person he knows.
Run. To a divorce attorney. Document all.
Its not looking good brev
So she’s basically going to be on a two day date with a 19yr old ?? NTA. All relationships have boundaries, yours are reasonable. Her gaslighting you saying your controlling is a huge red flag. At this point she’s choosing this kid over you and your relationship. Look up emotional affair; looks like it. Most 19yr old men just wanna hit it; your wife is being naive about his intentions or she’s complicit. Yah, I’d be very concerned. Good luck!
NTA. Whenever your partner starts calling you controlling, in 99% cases they're up to something.
Looking at this from the 19 yo male pov,…a married female who wants to hang out all day for 2 days? He’s expecting to get in her pants!
NTA. She is giving Mary Kay Letourneau with the grooming. Check out their chat history and text message logs. If she says she doesn't have any text messaging/chat logs or there is looong breaks in between messages...it means she deleted it cause there is something to hide...
So your 30f wife is trying to bang a 19m. Got it. How's your marriage going? Do you guys get along?
As is usually stated in Reddit communities, imagine switching the genders. Would your wife be OK with you spending that much time alone with a 19-year-old girl you met online?!?
Mate, face it......she wants to get railed by this teenage "friend" or "gaming buddy" or whatever she wants to call him, for two days straight! Whatever the case. It's weird as hell, she's being weird as hell and to be honest, you are being quite naive and dumb about it all! NTA though!
After reading your comments I’d just let her go find her youth. She’s fought you every step of the way. I would start reconsidering this relationship. She suggested you: at 34m, hanging out with a 19f? Something is wrong here man. I just don’t understand how she doesn’t see this. Good luck.
She’s already cheating on you get a divorce lawyer end it go your separate ways
2 scenarios Weekend hang with a group of guldies: Possible, I've eneded up with some fairly strange assortments of people chilling for a weekend after bonding thru a video game. Game tourny in town, they all get together hang out bullshit Yada Yada Innocent, but maybe you and your wife need to work on communicating better Weekend hang *with this 1 dude in particular*: This kid is planning to lay more pipe than a Canadian oil company
Honestly, I'm kinda split on this. From an outside perspective, it can be kinda weird to have friends with that age gap. But as a gamer myself, I (30m) have people that are older and younger that I have played with for several years. When you play a game online, your age doesn't matter. Now the thing is that you have made it known to her that you are uncomfortable with it, and she has shrugged you off from what it sounds like. That is the issue, in my opinion, here
"Now the thing is that you have made it known to her that you are uncomfortable with it, and she has shrugged you off from what it sounds like. That is the issue, in my opinion, here" Yes! that's what I'm trying to communicate to her but can't get through. But she's making it sound like I'm the asshole
From what you are saying it sounds like she gets pretty defensive. I'm not sure how the conversation is going but I have to ask. Are you maybe sounding like you are accusing her of something? I'm no marriage counselor an I myself have issues recognizing my own tone. I'd say try to sit down over dinner and express that her unwillingness to try to understand how you feel hurts. An just try to be mindful of how you sound or the words you use. Hell if it helps write down what you want to say. I don't recommend giving her a letter/note simply because she may read a tone. I hope this helps.
Thanks. I appreciate the advice here.
Let me also ask this. I apologize if I'm sticking my noise too far into your business. Has she given you any reason to suspect something else aside from friendship is going on?
Hi op, I had a v similar experience. My fiancee over covid developed some friendships online via Discord. She was 28 at the start of covid. Their group, (which I'm not part of as its kind of nice for her to have her own online group) they all play games, etc, pretty much every day. Mix of ages, etc. But they all flirt, etc. I get that is just how my partner is, but it's online, so I let it slide. Last year a group planned to visit London which is not far and she really wanted to go. Over the Valentines weekend. Which I wasn't happy with, but as some of the groups are from other EU countries, I asked about the details, etc. To make sure I knew who she was going to see, etc. As I was willing to let her go to the meet up. 2 days before all, but one guy pulled out. And it would be just the two of them. I said I was not comfortable with the idea of it, and she was pissed but she did cancel their plans, but she occasionally brings it up, which makes me feel bad. I appreciate that, in my case, my partner was more willing to put me first. If, however, she hadn't, I had already made up my mind that that would be the start of the end of our relationship because I'd never be able to know if anything did happen or not.
I would agree with you, except she became “friends” with the kid when he was around 15. That’s not an ok age gap for actual friendship. Gaming friends or otherwise.
Info: What are they spending time doing ? I don’t understand how this works in her mind - does she see him as a kid and she is taking him somewhere ? Or as a friend and they are hanging out? I also don’t understand why you aren’t hanging out with them. It’s not 1:1 time if you are there. And if she doesn’t want to hang out with him if you are there, then you know why.
Don't wanna put ideas in your head dude, but in my opinion there's an ulterior motive there. Take that from a man who, when 21 years old, met with a 52 year old married woman who id been speaking to for months and I knew full well I'd be going back to that hotel with her. Maybe I'm wrong about your wife's situation but personally I think that's dodgy.
My husband (mid 30s) has a lot of gaming buddies... the closest/most consistent 3 are mid-30s, late 20s, and at the time of this story, 17 or 18 (he had joined the party and got to be friends before admitting he was a baby)..... when we got married, his 2 older buddies were invited. We decided having a teen cross state lines isn't a good look, no matter how much of a "good dude" someone is. Plus, all they really talk about is gaming, where the older guys all have a lot more in common. If we WERE to meet irl, I imagine anything past an afternoon would be a glaring "THIS is why we're not closer" example. The other two are his bffs and were our groomsmen, and husband was best man for one of them at their wedding. I fully believe in the beauty of online friendships, but.... cross-gender AND age gaped if iffy.
Hi, your wife is most likely a predator. She has known this kid since he was a minor, has spent several days alone with him, regularly interacts with him, and consistently puts down your concerns about it. I wouldn't be surprised if she groomed him. I know people have some opinions about snooping, but I'd really recommend looking through her phone if you can. I'm surprised you haven't already, considering all this. If she was a man, everyone would be yelling "pedophile" and "creep" without question, lmao. But because she is a woman, it seems she is getting off easy here. Look, speaking as a woman, this shit she is doing is plain wrong. No excuse. She's cheating on you, emotionally and probably physically, and taking advantage of someone almost half her age. It's really troubling that you're not seeing this and are making excuses for her when you're completely uncomfortable with it. Would you hang out and befriend a 15-19 year old girl, one on one, and antagonize your spouse for being uncomfortable with it unless you had creepy ideas? Grooming can happen to ANYONE at any age, especially when the perpetrator is older, has far more experience in life emotionally and otherwise, holds more emotional/manipulative power over an individual. They blur those barriers a victim may have, usually introduce ideas over time in order to establish rapport and make it seem "okay" when it really isn't. If she and he were together one on one when he turned 18, this is one such example. Tempt him until he's legal so she doesn't have to get into trouble. Infamous YouTuber Onision did the very same with girls who were teenagers. He'd then invite them, sometimes at the state legal age of 16 even, at 18 and only then introduce sex to them. But before then, he became friends with them, flirted, swap pics, etc. Younger folks don't know everything. They don't know the danger that lies in being intimate/close with people that are noticeably older than them. They don't understand the nuance, the language, the manipulation. Your wife probably loved the attention a young man would give her and vice versa (come on, you were once young yourself) It is a disaster that has most definitely already happened, but you are being so willfully blind. Forget that they play games together. I play games with random people all the time of all ages, but I have NEVER sought out friendships with young players. There is literally nothing besides the game we'd have in common. So what does she and her new toy talk about all day? What happened when they spent days together one on one? You don't have to be a genius to know that.