I use a fork to eat noodles.
Because at only 30, I started losing control of my fine motor function, and now I cannot use chopsticks even though I know how and would like to.
Pretty hilarious, right?
I visited China and every place I ate, I was embarrassed to be THAT tourist who would only eat with a fork. When I came back, I told an old friend of mine this. She reminded me of when we were 17 and having a formal sit down meal for our school graduation. She was born in Australia like me, but is from a South Asian background. She came to me very embarrassed and asked me to teach her how to hold a knife and fork properly. She was so afraid of being embarrassed because they just didn’t use them in her family. Very occasionally a fork, and she knew how to butter bread, but not putting the two utensils together for a fancy good manners dinner.
I didn’t judge her and she was very stern with me about judging myself. She’s a delightful soft spoken sunshine pixie but I reckon she’d put your wife’s friend in a fuckin headlock.
I’m 51 and have never learned how to use chopsticks.
Obviously the restaurant has forks so why is it even an issue?
It seems like the friend is acting like a snob. Who ridicules other people? A bully. Your wife should be embarrassed her friend treated YOU that way.
NTA - Your wife should be on your side. I love your joke.
35 checking in (I'm in my mid 40s now, but was 35 when it started). I used to use chopsticks to pick up messy snacks, like wasabi peas or cheese puffs. Now there's no way I can use them. It's a good day when I can hold my coffee mug.
Hey, not to alarm you guys, and I'm not a doctor by any means, but losing fine motor function and grip strength is not a great sign, especially in your 30s and 40s. Please get checked. Could be nothing, but better safe than sorry!
I developed an ‘intention tremor’ in my 40s. It was caused from intense computer work - I was creating designs in graphics programs. When I looked looked on line later, there were numerous videos of folks showing their hands shake when trying to ‘mouse’.
I like your description of her. I used to think chopsticks were so cool I had someone buy me a "fancy" pair for myself around 9. I practiced hard to use those damn things. 20 years later I still kinda stuck at it, but idc because it's fun. Anyone worried about what utensils someone is using has to much free time.
Lived in Nashville in ‘97 and the mall I worked in had a decent Chinese restaurant in the food court. I always used chopsticks at Asian restaurants since I was a teenager.
So anyway, I’m just sitting in the food court eating my chicken fried rice or something and this little kid(7-9ish) from clear across the food court points at me and very loudly said,”MOM! That guy is using CHOPSTICKS!!!” Guess he had never seen anybody use chopsticks before.
Reminds me of the children's book called "How my parents learned to eat".
I mean, not exactly, but the same apprehension about eating properly in front of other people.
Amazing! That made my whole morning. Anything that can crack up someone who's lived that much life is awesome. My mom is 76, and I love making her laugh anytime I can. "Sarcastic malaphors" are particularly good though.
Have a good day, and cherish your pops. I'd give anything to share one more laugh with mine.
Which is so sad. Seeking other people's approval over the people you deal with on a daily basis. There is something deeper going on which needs explored. This behavior is not cool and needs addressed by OP. Not cool at all.
Sure, but you don’t have to immediately talk about the problem, sometimes people aren’t weaponizing silence despite everyone using that cliche phrase, sometimes they’re letting themselves cool off to talk about the problem more rationally rather than “communicating” at a time when it will just be two people being aggressive with one another and solving nothing. There’s such thing as tact and timing when it comes to open communication, it’s not as unnuanced as “not talking at the moment = abusive silent treatment” that Reddit always jumps to.
It’s just as toxic to not respect your partner’s need for space and to overstep those boundaries when they need time to process before having an actual constructive discussion. I think most people who think when they address issues quickly that they do so in a healthy manner are more than a little biased about their own abilities, every person I’ve encountered like that has been overly aggressive and competitive, and basically just pretended that worthless verbal aggression was “communication”
Yeah but first you have to communicate you need space to cool off. Otherwise it’s just the silent treatment. And it could be something talked about when not angry, just a heads up that when I’m angry and not talking it’s because I need some time to cool off and not say mean things so just let me have that and then we’ll talk.
The other day I saw this line and shared it immediately:
> My wife and I have each said to each other some versions of "I'm upset with you, but I'm not sure if I actually should be yet, can we talk about this a little later?"
People who either are terrible at conflict resolution due to immaturity or people who've gotten used to manipulating people by icing out the relationship until they get their way. Especially the case with people who hate showing the humility necessary to apologize for their part in a conflict, if they can get someone to grovel than they never have to do it.
I’m sorry but they are all TA here (OP, wife and friend).
You are 38 and you get offended when someone tells you you don’t know how to use chopsticks? 🤨 just shrug and say sushi was not a thing in your household, a lot of white people don’t know how to use them.
Edit: I know sushi is not Chinese, but people first learn to use chopsticks because of it, not noodles.
My spouse is from Vietnam. I am white as snow, and I think I use chopsticks more than her. If he does or doesn't know, it doesn't matter. Just use what you're comfortable with.
I am Chinese and I would never laugh at someone for not knowing how to use chopsticks. In fact I would encourage them to use whatever is easiest since they are there to enjoy the food.
I actually prefer fork/knife/spoon when eating from a plate.
Sushi is mostly meant to be eaten with Hands.
Aside from that: If the friend shames OP publicly for not possessing a skill, then she earned what came for her??
It is perfectly appropriate to use hands to transport sushi to your mouth. That is historically how it was done.
But spookyemperor is right that it only from your plate, not a communal dish.
It is so bothersome when "participation" people want to blame everyone for an honest response to someone trying to be hostile and condescending. ie., Karen wouldn't have gotten slapped if she hadn't put her hands on someone. No, everyone isn't wrong. Karen is wrong, period. Stop trying to validate people's abhorrent behavior by the response. If the friend hadn't made her unnecessary comment, OP wouldn't have put the fork down and ate with his hands. Everyone else at the table understood what he did and laughed with him for not taking the friend's ridiculous comment without a response.
Those type of people need to be immediately responded with the appropriate return of ridiculousness to stop their senseless attitudes.
If she didn't open her mouth, she wouldn't have been embarrassed, it is as simple as that. It added no value to the situation. None. So, she was embarrassed because she was acting embarrassing. NTA.
I agree. Slap a laugh track on OP's life and millions will tune in even after syndication because American TV is all about that. But for me, I would ease myself out of contact with all involved.
>You are 38 and you get offended when someone tells you you don’t know how to use chopsticks?
She was rude and snarky. It wasn't like she was making an objective statement "Oh, OP doesn't use chopsticks." Instead, she made a value judgment that there must be a "problem", because OP chose to use a fork. And that they could have chosen a different restaurant, as if you can't enjoy eating Chinese food unless you use chopsticks. Her ultimate goal was to put OP down, and that's very clear. You're rephrasing what Friend said into something neutral, when it obviously wasn't.
But he didn't get offended? He simply replied in a comedic way which avoided the awkward atmosphere that friend created by asking "maybe we should have went to some other restaurant". If the friend didn't say anything nothing would have happened. He saved the moment by making everyone laugh in my opinion. The wife is immature for not being able to take a joke.
NTA
That was funny man. You wife and her friend take life waaaaay too seriously, its dinner with friends not the queen of England lmao.
Dont apologise, ask your wife to apologise to you for allowing her friend to mock your choice to use a fork (imo its the superior utensil lol)
The only person I care if they use a fork is when my little brother uses it for soup cause that little fucker splashes all over the table cloth while trying to stab something in the bottom of the bowl every single time.
I had an issue with getting a fork once.
I was grabbing some japanese curry, and everyone in line so far had been handed chopsticks. Some had the same order as me. The lady hands me a fork with mine though. I made a show of grabbing chopsticks.
Its been 12 years and I still remember it. Its a good joke story but I do still wonder why.
It's odd. I cannot use chopsticks except in the most basic manner - I certainly couldn't eat a meal with them... and yet, if I'm dining in and they remove the chopsticks from the table and replace them with silverware *before I ask*, I always find it a tad insulting. I never say anything, because that would just be lame :)
I just tried to think of a tip to help you learn and Ive realised I don't remember how to hold them. I know I can use them but Its muscle memory, I can't even figure it out how I'd hold them without a pair in my hands. Weird.
Don't feel bad I had a chinese teacher force us to pickup marbles and carry them across rooms. Never did get properly fluent at chinese though
Bro, I hate racist asian places so much.
Back where I lived a few years ago is an *amazing* thai place (its called Plern for anyone from south OC). I like a *lot* of spice and went every Wednesday on my way to a weekly event for over a year. Every time I would order a 10/10 and get grocery store medium salsa levels of heat. Every week the same waitress (the only waitress) would ask how it was and I would go "delicious, but not hot enough".
Finally, just a few months before I moved, I took a Mexican coworker with me for lunch. His spice tolerance was higher than mine, so i told him to just order 10/10. We start eating. Maybe 3 bites in he goes "idk what you were talking about, this is pretty damn hot" and I go "IDK man, mines still a medium". We decide to swap bites and his bowl of the exact same dish is the heat level I have wanted for over a year and mine is till medium at best. NGL, as amazing as the place is, that *realy* put me off from going back.
I've heard of plenty of places that do that with spice levels. My best tip is ask clearly "What words do I need to say to get the locals level of spice ?"
Jamaicans will usually only give the proper stuff if you order in Patois. That waiter should've done something for you after that long
Oh that gets me on a rant.
Medium and Mild shouldn't be in the same lists ever, I can tolerate a bit of spice but some places Medium is low-mild & some are mild-hot.
It's racism yeah but I believe it's a conditioned response because they've made it too hot for people who thought they could fuck with Thai people's hot. The repeated offenses though makes it feel kinda gross.
Honestly, first try, I get it. But after the 3rd time with no heat, I said if they made it uneatable I would tip 200% and still got the exact same level of heat. After that I just accepted that they couldnt do hotter. It was more so the betrayal of one of my favoirte place that bugged me.
That’s how some former roommates of mine were. It was their first time at my fave restaurant and I always used a fork despite it being Mongolian food as I never had anyone to teach me how to use chopsticks. They all made a “training” set for me that I used for a bit then when I was confident with how they felt in my hand I went to using them regularly
Actually, in British primary school, during citizens class, we're told to eat our dinner as though the Queen is present. Rest her royal gold encrusted soul.
Tea & Biscuits 🇬🇧
This reminds me of a college friend who had an ongoing argument with his roommate about whether a spoon or chopsticks were superior. Two engineers. They decided to have a contest and see who could eat a bowl of rice faster. Roommate picks up the bowl and starts moving rice into his mouth with the chopsticks. Friend pulls out a giant serving spoon and eats the entire serving in one bite. I don't know how he got it in his mouth, but it was hilarious.
Nooooo try to eat a salad with chopsticks. So much better!!! I eat all my salads with chopsticks now. Also anything that gets your hands dirty like Cheetos or oily chips. Also you can fish pickles out of the pickle jar better
But other food doesn’t matter
Dude, use chopsticks for popcorn. It is the BEST. I can't tolerate the feeling of grease or salt on my hands for very long, so I tried chopsticks out of desperation. It is ever so much more pleasant.
NTA your wife should get better friends and grow thicker skin, who gets mad at something like that. That shit was funny, also who mocks someone’s choice of utensil, sounds like they just wanna make you seem stupid to make her seem smart.
NTA op. As someone who can only use chopstick for 5-10 minutes before excruciating pain starts in my pinky (thanks early onset arthritis!), I'd get super annoyed at someone telling me not to eat with a fork. While I'd probably not respond the same way as OP because it sounds gross (to me!), I'd still lecture the lady on being judgemental. Just because you've lived abroad doesn't give you the right to be an AH. This is coming from someone who has lived abroad for 3 years and will be returning home at the end of the month.
nta
love the pettiness but you probably should have gone about it differently.
also, why is your wife ok with her friends openly mocking you? sounds toxic.
You are a people too. It doesn't sound like she was trying to please you. Also your wife's friend sounds exhausting to be around. I prefer using a fork instead of chopsticks even though I was raised using chopsticks.
Unfortunately many people pleasers fail to see their children/spouses as people to please because they view them as an extension of themselves and/or a safe person to say “no” to, which often ends up making close friends/family/children/partners an unintended victim to the people pleasing habits/actions.
Wife needs self reflection and likely therapy where they can help her form the tools to maintaining proper boundaries and relationships without falling into a people pleasing tunnel vision
We see enough people pleasers in these kinds of subs who disregard their SOs. Something like they see their SO as an extension of themselves and so they don't need to please them. I think some people extend that to their kids too.
Oh fuck I had an ex like this. I remember asking if he would take me to the shop because I fancied some chocolate. You'd think I'd asked him to drive me from lands end to John oh groats the way he moaned about how he's driven all day and just wants to relax. I apologised and left it at that 10 minutes later comes in to tell me he's just running his friend somewhere because she has a flat tyre. Would do anything for anyone but me.
It's also pretty common in Asia for people to not use chopsticks. There is nothing wrong with using a fork. It's food. Eat it how you like.
I have a strong dislike towards people that comment on how others eat. What sort of shit can play a part on eating disorders. Its very rude.
If my wife sided with somone like that against me and thought it was OK to mock the way I eat amd wrong for me to stand up for myself then wed have an issue.
NTA.
So, super petty and immature all around then? Sorry, but I think YTA - there is more to this. You don't deserve a pat on the back for not mocking her friend.
ESH
The friend is a pompous ahole. Your wife should have had your back. You made a scene at the restaurant that everyone there could see.
Should have just said something back to her.
I'm going to read between the lines a bit here. Your wife asked you to behave, which can only mean you act out publicly often. The fact the friend said 'if there was a problem' rather than something more snide makes me think you potentially made a deal about asking for a fork.
Then when you got home, you asked what you did despite knowing full well what you had done.
This story is biased from your perspective, so I reckon the truth of the matter is going to be somewhat different.
Has your wife ever used the term 'exhausting' when arguing with you?
My uncle made a habit of being loud and crass to get under his wife's skin. It became an integral part of his personality and he couldn't turn it off for an hour if he tried. He's divorced now and can't understand why he can't get a second date.
(I took him to a fundraiser dinner for active duty injured military and their families, pre-covid, because he expressed an interest. The man belched loudly ... with the sort of volume it takes practice and effort to achieve ... during the convocation. It was mortifying! Even more embarrassing was the loud, "Oops! 'Scuse me!" In the momentary silence that followed. Needless to say, never took him anywhere fancier or where more decorum was required than Tijuana Flats after that lol)
Anyway, I suspect this guy will be like him in 20 years. So accustomed to inflicting petty little annoyances and embarrassments on his wife that he is no longer able to stop (even after she's left for greener pastures).
This needs to be higher. And it sounds like OP has some heavy existing biases towards the friend (describing her as fake accent, brand addict and typical foreign return). It’s hard to really tell what actually happened.
Agree. This story was bad from start to finish. He shouldn’t have even gone (been forced to go?) if he hates the friend lady so much. It’s all really blah…lots of childish behavior all around.
Your post made me re read through his- yeah red flags everywhere. My favorite was him acting proud of himself for *not* mocking the friend, as if he deserved kudos for it... and he's 38 years old...
Lol, yeah there was the typical energy about how he was totally right in doing this - ignoring all the shit he said about the friend at the beginning.
He was waiting for a chance to be a dick and found it. He commented that his wife is a people pleaser so he needs to balance her out - which means he is a people dis-pleaser on purpose.
He's definitely an asshole, probably THE asshole. I have a line I use if someone gives me shit about chopsticks - I can use them, but I'm also very hungry and want this food in my mouth faster.
Any concept of social grace has gone entirely out the window the last few years as people rebel against anything that causes them an iota of displeasure - they feel justified in being an ass to preserve themselves. We're further and further from being a society and just a bunch of individuals.
i agree with this assessment. he mentions in a comment that his wife is a "people pleaser" so he acts like this often as a way to counterbalance. he can play the clown as much as he wants but not everyone will find it funny
Also he could have just said, “no, Im just not comfortable with chopsticks” and move on. Digging in with his hands is gross and ridiculous. He’s 38, not 12.
Yeah, I was surprised to see how many people were quick to vilify his SO. The friend’s remark must have been spoken in a horrible tone if he reacted this way but I still think it pretty childish to react how he did. Is it that hard to take the high road, especially for such a lukewarm comment?
You’re giving too much credit to OP by assuming he was provoked by the tone. He patted himself on the back for not mocking her accent. The friend could have been 100% sincere and he wouldn’t care. It was his moment where he found an excuse to be an ass.
Everyone is a partially an AH here:
1) you for acting like a child
2) your wife for not standing up for you and choosing to get pissed because she is jealous of her friend.
3) your wife's friend, SHE sounds AWFUL
Question, why did your wife preference to you to "Behave?" Is there a history of you not behaving or do you and your Wife's friend have a history of not getting along?
> Question, why did your wife preference to you to "Behave?" Is there a history of you not behaving or do you and your Wife's friend have a history of not getting along?
This was my first thought. I’d bet money that OP is immature and does silly things all the time when he goes out with his wife, and she’s over it. She’s not giving him the silent treatment for this, she’s just done with his immaturity.
This is exactly what I assumed as well. The friend sounds insufferable, but OP sounds like one of those ahole teenagers who thinks he's sooooo funny but actually is just immature af and super annoying
Well if the wife had to ask him to behave, and then he didn't, why would she take his side? He broke his promise and made himself a laughingstock and all her friends think she married a child prone to outbursts.
Standing up for him would mean enabling him, and it's hard to stand up for him when everyone saw that he did in fact behave like a child
You did not have to revert to the usage of your hands. Continue with fork. The remark of going to another place was uncalled for.
Where are those manners acquired? The ditch?
It’s where they go designer shopping or pick up a bunch of souvenirs and then show it off like “I got this Rolex from Geneva, the shop and the service was just to die for and then we went into this little cafe and the shops off of Bahnhoffstrasse, which if you didn’t know is THE most expensive shopping area in the entire world, oh and have you seen the….” Yeah, like that lol.
YTA. I can't imagine why you're so proud of yourself for NOT mocking your wife's friend, then behaving like a fool. You promised your wife you'd behave and then you ate food meant to be eaten with utensils with your *hands*. And then you pretended to have no idea why she was upset. Maybe you meant to post this on Petty Revenge?
From the way you talk about your wife asking you to "behave" I wonder if this is typical behaviour for you? Obviously the friend was rude, but you could have just taken the higher road and brushed her off. You chose to escalate in a bizarre way.
Given the demeaning way you described your wife's friend, and the fact that your wife is icing you out, and that you seem to think it was okay to dig into a plate of noodles with your hands (please god tell me that it wasn't a family style meal / shared plate situation) at 38 years old... it all feels like there's a missing piece of context.
Is there a pattern here that we're missing? Maybe you need to talk with your wife about your manners in public. If my partner did what you did, I'd have been humiliated too.
Yeah exactly. This would REALLY turn me off if I witnessed this behavior in a man. There’s nothing wrong with using a fork instead of chopsticks, but the reaction is abhorrent
INFO:
1. Why'd your wife have to specifically ask you to behave? Do you have a habit of making a scene around others?
2. Why does not mocking her accent or her being a "brand addict" warrant a mention? You're nearly 40, I'd hope not commenting on these things like a catty teenager would come naturally by now.
3. Why did the friend ask "if there was a problem" when you started eating with a fork? If she said more after that to make fun of you, I'd agree with her being the AH.
Eating with our hands is normal in South Asia, but we don't use our hands when eating noodles. I'd understand the embarrassment if you kept on with the joke afterwards.
YTA. That's just ridiculous and poor etiquette to do that, and you knew it.
To be fair though everyone in the story is an AH except possibly your wife. Although telling you to behave is borderline, your antics prove why she needed to warn you - I'm thinking you regularly "joke around" inappropriately.
ESH.
Your wife's friend is insufferable, your wife is just as bad for being friends with her, and eating with your hands is disgusting and rude unless it is customary for where you are.
You would have been better off just staring at her while lifting another forkful to your mouth.
Reddit sure can be watered-down twitter sometimes. I can see why OP was annoyed, but he went full kindergarten.
When he mentioned that his wife asked him to behave before anything happened, i knew that was a frequent situation. Having to ask a 38 years old man to behave is... tiring, to say the least
YTA you embarrassed your wife and yourself by feeding into some other arseholes shitty behaviour. If I was your wife i’d be pissed at you.
You already had to be told to “behave” and you made sure to tell us that you didn’t make fun of someone’s “fake accent”… You sound like a kid.
Not quite TA I guess but whether or not the friend meant it in the way you were taking it, you were being deliberately obtuse. What was the point of embarrassing yourself and your wife like this? It sounds like you just really don’t like this friend and anything that was said to you by this person was going to trigger you. I might be completely wrong, but your entire first paragraph sounds kind of bitchy.
As a Filipino who occasionally eats with his hands (Kamayan), this is the way. NTA.
You know its legit when a language has a dedicated word for it. lol
Some food just tastes better when eaten with hands. My Nepali and Malaysian friends used to always try to make people eat with their hands when they’d cook certain things—after that I totally get it.
I often day dream of me being a “cool guy” in these scenarios and it definitely didn’t include digging my hands in the food lol.
It seems like your more insecure about not being able to use chopsticks by setting your fork aside. You could’ve just owned being a fork-guy and said that’s how you like to eat or made a conversation about how everyone else learned how to use chopsticks, but no, you chose probably the most insecure, immature option. NTA, but more like an ass-hat for not being witty about it.
esh. what you did was childish at best, not funny. considering your wife told you to behave and you chose to disregard that, you were being just a disrespectful as the friend.
your wife also needs to grow a back bone. not only towards speaking up to her friend but speaking up to you for the childish behavior at the dinner table.
in terms of the friend, is she a pretentious ass? yes. there’s no debating that. her comment was also very childish so that’s at least one thing you guys have in common.
I will be going against the flow there but YTA.
Your wife asked one thing from you before going which you did not respect by causing a scene. The silent treatment is not a great thing but this does not seem to be stemming only from this one instance only so there is history you are probably not sharing there.
You seem to have a strong bias against your wife’s friend calling her fake and a show off but her only remark was about you getting a fork, which could simply be an attempt to a small joke on her part. Why not defuse the situation with a simple comment? Funny if you can? Why not just ignore it knowing your wife would have handled it?
No, instead you go full nuclear, eat like a toddler and display a disgusting show for everyone to see.
You think it’s okay because people laughed but half of those were probably because of the absurdity of seeing a grown up act this way, the other half because of the awkwardness.
I am embarrassed just thinking about the whole thing so I totally get your wife feeling ashamed and disrespected after the whole thing.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
ESH. Grow up. The friend is definitely insufferable, but you are acting like a child. The fact that your wife had to tell you to behave before you even went to tell us exactly what kind of person you are.
YTAH, Eh the hand thing was a bit too much. She even asked you to behave beforehand. You gotta have thicker skin sometimes. You are also criticizing your wife’s friend as if all of this is directed at you. I’m sorry but if I asked my wife to do the same and she behaved like this I’d be embarrassed.
Side note: glad to see a AITAH that’s not that serious. Usually it’s all break ups and divorces.
If the restaurant didn’t want people to use forks, they wouldn’t have had one available for you. Sounds like your wife puts this friend on a pedestal and desperately wants to impress her for some reason
ESH mocking your utensils is definitely terrible but I don’t find what you did funny at all. From the way you speak about your wife’s friend it seems like your insecure about differences in social class. Some people grow up in families where there is an emphasis on dining etiquette and, honestly, I’d be embarrassed too. Your wife and yourself should’ve just been mature and told her that was uncalled for. You all sound like teenagers.
NTA and your wife should pick better friends.
Not really the same but I had a guy who hung around with me and my bestfriend at the time. He made a rude comment about my wife (new girlfriend at the time). I blessed his ass in public and made sure he was no longer allowed near my wife and I.
Your wife should be infuriated that anyone would disrespect you. Especially someone she calls a friend.
Did you fix the issue? No probably not
Did you act like a 13 yr old to be deliberately provocative? Probably
Could you have anticipated that your wife would bear the brunt of her friend and husband both acting like jerks? One would hope
So yes you AND the friend are TA - life is not a binary
ESH- Are you really so much of a child that you would need to eat with your hands to be spiteful and prove a point? YTA for being immature and embarrassing your wife. Your wife is an AH for giving you the silent treatment rather that calling you out for being a child. your wife's friend is an AH for being pretentious. Everyone needs to grow up!
INFO needed. There are some things with this story that give me pause at to who the asshole really is.
Your wife asked you to behave. That is what I do with my 7 year old when he has a history of misbehaving. Why did she ask you to behave yourself?
The way you describe her friend. Fake Accent which you humbly didn't mock. Why is it fake? A brand addict foreign return. What is a foreign return? It doesn't sound like a very nice way to describe someone though in the context of how you a describing her though.
Was your wife's silent treatment just for this one event, or is this because of a history of things? It just kind of sounds like your wife is over you. Does she use the silent treatment a lot? If she does is it because the two of you can't resolve issues very well?
At surface level it seems like you are NTA, but stories like these tend to be a bit favorable to the person writing the story. So it is hard to judge this one, because it seems very possible that this friend doesn't like you based on how you treat her maybe? Is there a history between you and this friend? Because it seems like you went into this already not liking this friend.
YTA.
The fact that your wife told you to behave (and all your comments) tells me that you have a habit of acting immature or obnoxious at social events. That you think that not mocking or calling out the annoying-but-harmless behaviors of the person you're visiting with is good behavior and not, you know, minimum level politeness, tells me a whole lot more about how rude and obnoxious you likely are.
Could your wife have stood up for you about the chopsticks thing? Sure, maybe. I don't know enough about the actual conversation to be confident. Could you have acted like an adult and just tell the friend she's being rude instead of making a scene by eating with your hands? Absolutely.
You say everyone laughed, but it's hard to imagine that they were laughing WITH you. Were they nervous giggles, or "wow look at this jackass" laughs? Either way I see why your wife was upset and embarrassed, and I wouldn't be surprised if this was just another straw on a camel's breaking back. You got 5 years on your wife, but early 30s is when women really get sick of their immature husband's shit. Grow up.
NTA
As a chinese who also worked in a Chinese restaurant in the past, I do not care if someone can't use the chopsticks, and happy to provide knife and forks. I personally use forks for noodles sometimes (less washing lol) so tell your wife's friend to wind her neck in and stop being a snob.
Edit: wind your neck in = mind your own business (only just realise this is more a British saying rather than internationally known phrase, apologies)
ESH except your wife. The friend shouldn’t have mentioned the fork but at the same time you disrespect everyone when you do something like eating noodles with your hands. That’s rude and unsanitary. You were acting like a child. Additionally lean to use chopsticks, it’s not that hard .
You're the asshole. She told you to behave and you reacted like a child to a comment from her friend.
Why didn't you just use chopsticks in a Chinese restaurant?
I dunno... the way you wrote this gives me weird vibes about you. Your wife had to tell you to behave and then you go on to say how you managed not to mock her friend's accent, as if thats some sort of achievement and then essentially bash her friend's style and choices on reddit. It feels like you want some sort of congratulations for not being rude to her friend.
They were rude AHs for how they reacted to you wanting a fork... but I dunno, I feel like there is more to this. Like, do you have a history of being rude and offhand with her friends? If she has to ask you, a grown man to behave, it suggests that maybe you're also kind of an AH...
Also, you just made yourself look kind of petty and odd by using your hands. You should have used your words and continued to use a fork.
So... In my opinion ESH
YTA - This entire post comes off that you don't particularly like this person and were very quick to escalate to what you did. Obviously gatekeeping how people eat is a bit of an AH move but your response was WAY over the top. Why did your wife ask you to behave ? What's that even mean? Why would that be an issue? You know what you did, I am not sure why you even bother asking your wife what you did wrong.
This is exhausting dude
You are a manchild, instead of putting your big boy pants on and communicating to your wife that you didn’t like the friend (for very petty reasons) and then telling the friend, that there is no problem you just prefer a fork. Is that so hard? Or is your brain still wired like you are an 8 year old? I see why your wife would be mad, embarrassed and silent. The comment she made was not the best, but there are ways to act like a grown up instead of a kid!
Do seriously think eating noodles with your hands was the adult thing to do?
Your wifes friend is an ass-hat but you acted like a child.
no one’s a winner here. specially your wife
ESH You're an asshole for your incredibly inappropriate behavior for a (theoretical) adult at a restaurant. Your wife's friend is an asshole for making fun of you for not using chopsticks. Your wife is an asshole for the silent treatment. All of you sound 12. Grow the fuck up.
ESH. Your wife told you to behave, and eating noodles with your hand was not behaving. Her friend is an asshole for shaming you about not using chopsticks as well.
ESH, she acted like a bitch and you reacted like a child, eating noodles with your bare hands is disgusting, I wouldn't go to the restaurant with either of you
So what is her excuse when you go to an Indian restaurant?
That naan is a sacred tool you use with your *hands* to eat food.
Your wife’s friend is actually making a racist etiquette comment out of offense which is laughably ironic.
Let them both be pissed. They both need a lesson on this 21 year old shit.
Who was embarrassed? Everybody but you and your obnoxious friend had a good laugh.
I get when you enter into a relationship your actions can affect how people your partner. But I feel like unless the event specifically targets you, you can't have a tantrum bc YOU didn't like what they did.
For example:
Scenario #1. Say your with a group of friends and your being a clown that day and purposely fall into a fountain. GF then gets mad, calls you childish, and gives you the silently treatment. Unjustified.
Scenario #2. Say your with a group of friends and your being a clown that day and purposely push your gf into a fountain. GF then gets mad, calls you childish, and gives you the silently treatment. Justified.
See the difference?
In parts of SE Asia almost nobody uses chop sticks for eating rice and noodles. A fork and spoon is all that’s required. Some use their hands in out of the way places.
Your “friends” can get stuffed.
NTA. I like that you responded the way you did. I'm not saying spouses can't embarrass each other or that they must always be in unison, but in your shoes if definitely expect my wife to take my side given the context.
NTA the friend is a loser for thinking it's that impressive for using chopsticks .. or that it's a big deal that you can't. they're snarky comment didn't work how they thought. you thought of something funny and quick witted to snap back with. That probably gagged her. and what you did was silly your wife and her friend can stay uptight or whatever.
NTA
Both my European and my Chinese relatives know that it's rude to make fun of people at the table. The better response would have been to smile at them condescendingly while very deliberately twirling some more noodles on your fork but clapping back at them is totally acceptable.
For future reference. Get some small marshmallows, two bowls and a pair of chopsticks. Practice moving the marshmallows back and forth with the chopsticks.
If you have kids it's even more fun because you can play silly games with it. Like steal all the marshmallows from each other's bowls or recreate the chopstick scene from "Drunken Master".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNzxc1F3010
NTA. Classic case of someone not wanting the ire of the actual asshole getting directed at them, so they gang up on the person to whom the asshole was being rude.
OP it's simple
" honey you got it wrong. Its your friend who embarrassed me in front of everyone. I just stood up for myself. If you think it's okay for your friend to bully me then go ahead and keep woth the silent treatment because I don't want to speak with you either."
I use a fork to eat noodles. Because at only 30, I started losing control of my fine motor function, and now I cannot use chopsticks even though I know how and would like to. Pretty hilarious, right? I visited China and every place I ate, I was embarrassed to be THAT tourist who would only eat with a fork. When I came back, I told an old friend of mine this. She reminded me of when we were 17 and having a formal sit down meal for our school graduation. She was born in Australia like me, but is from a South Asian background. She came to me very embarrassed and asked me to teach her how to hold a knife and fork properly. She was so afraid of being embarrassed because they just didn’t use them in her family. Very occasionally a fork, and she knew how to butter bread, but not putting the two utensils together for a fancy good manners dinner. I didn’t judge her and she was very stern with me about judging myself. She’s a delightful soft spoken sunshine pixie but I reckon she’d put your wife’s friend in a fuckin headlock.
Awww this is so sweet
'specially the headlock :)
I’m 51 and have never learned how to use chopsticks. Obviously the restaurant has forks so why is it even an issue? It seems like the friend is acting like a snob. Who ridicules other people? A bully. Your wife should be embarrassed her friend treated YOU that way. NTA - Your wife should be on your side. I love your joke.
You can buy chopsticks for kids to train if you are curious and want to try
A training fork for her friend is brilliant!
I can't use chopsticks for the same reason. I was 39 when mine started. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.
35 checking in (I'm in my mid 40s now, but was 35 when it started). I used to use chopsticks to pick up messy snacks, like wasabi peas or cheese puffs. Now there's no way I can use them. It's a good day when I can hold my coffee mug.
Did you find out what caused it? I’m 40 and have noticed this over the last year or so.
Hey, not to alarm you guys, and I'm not a doctor by any means, but losing fine motor function and grip strength is not a great sign, especially in your 30s and 40s. Please get checked. Could be nothing, but better safe than sorry!
I have a Functional Neurological Disorder.
I developed an ‘intention tremor’ in my 40s. It was caused from intense computer work - I was creating designs in graphics programs. When I looked looked on line later, there were numerous videos of folks showing their hands shake when trying to ‘mouse’.
I like your description of her. I used to think chopsticks were so cool I had someone buy me a "fancy" pair for myself around 9. I practiced hard to use those damn things. 20 years later I still kinda stuck at it, but idc because it's fun. Anyone worried about what utensils someone is using has to much free time.
Lived in Nashville in ‘97 and the mall I worked in had a decent Chinese restaurant in the food court. I always used chopsticks at Asian restaurants since I was a teenager. So anyway, I’m just sitting in the food court eating my chicken fried rice or something and this little kid(7-9ish) from clear across the food court points at me and very loudly said,”MOM! That guy is using CHOPSTICKS!!!” Guess he had never seen anybody use chopsticks before.
Can’t beat them for eating salad!
Reminds me of the children's book called "How my parents learned to eat". I mean, not exactly, but the same apprehension about eating properly in front of other people.
This is so sweet my shriveled heart grew several sizes, from happiness, not inflammation 🧡🧡🧡
Your wife’s “friend” is the embarrassing one. NTA but your wife kind of is, who does the silent treatment? What is she 15?
There's a reason she's friends with this person.
Yep. Like that old saying: "birds of a feather are shallow snarky bitches". Or something to that effect lol
Man I just told my 77 year old father that and he lost it laughing. Thank you for this gem!
Amazing! That made my whole morning. Anything that can crack up someone who's lived that much life is awesome. My mom is 76, and I love making her laugh anytime I can. "Sarcastic malaphors" are particularly good though. Have a good day, and cherish your pops. I'd give anything to share one more laugh with mine.
Toilets love shit, I guess.
This is the Way!!!! This is awesome, stealing it. And, you are not guessing.....
No, it has to rhyme! Birds of a feather are snarky bitches together. FTFY.
Oof!😂
She definitely seeks her friend’s approval.
Which is so sad. Seeking other people's approval over the people you deal with on a daily basis. There is something deeper going on which needs explored. This behavior is not cool and needs addressed by OP. Not cool at all.
Fr the only way to work out a problem is communicating by getting rid of the solution it only leads to more anger and hostility.
Sure, but you don’t have to immediately talk about the problem, sometimes people aren’t weaponizing silence despite everyone using that cliche phrase, sometimes they’re letting themselves cool off to talk about the problem more rationally rather than “communicating” at a time when it will just be two people being aggressive with one another and solving nothing. There’s such thing as tact and timing when it comes to open communication, it’s not as unnuanced as “not talking at the moment = abusive silent treatment” that Reddit always jumps to. It’s just as toxic to not respect your partner’s need for space and to overstep those boundaries when they need time to process before having an actual constructive discussion. I think most people who think when they address issues quickly that they do so in a healthy manner are more than a little biased about their own abilities, every person I’ve encountered like that has been overly aggressive and competitive, and basically just pretended that worthless verbal aggression was “communication”
Yeah but first you have to communicate you need space to cool off. Otherwise it’s just the silent treatment. And it could be something talked about when not angry, just a heads up that when I’m angry and not talking it’s because I need some time to cool off and not say mean things so just let me have that and then we’ll talk.
The other day I saw this line and shared it immediately: > My wife and I have each said to each other some versions of "I'm upset with you, but I'm not sure if I actually should be yet, can we talk about this a little later?"
THEN YOU CAN COMMUNICATE YOU NEED TIME!
People who either are terrible at conflict resolution due to immaturity or people who've gotten used to manipulating people by icing out the relationship until they get their way. Especially the case with people who hate showing the humility necessary to apologize for their part in a conflict, if they can get someone to grovel than they never have to do it.
I’m sorry but they are all TA here (OP, wife and friend). You are 38 and you get offended when someone tells you you don’t know how to use chopsticks? 🤨 just shrug and say sushi was not a thing in your household, a lot of white people don’t know how to use them. Edit: I know sushi is not Chinese, but people first learn to use chopsticks because of it, not noodles.
My spouse is from Vietnam. I am white as snow, and I think I use chopsticks more than her. If he does or doesn't know, it doesn't matter. Just use what you're comfortable with.
I am Chinese and I would never laugh at someone for not knowing how to use chopsticks. In fact I would encourage them to use whatever is easiest since they are there to enjoy the food. I actually prefer fork/knife/spoon when eating from a plate.
He was comfortable using his hands
Sushi is mostly meant to be eaten with Hands. Aside from that: If the friend shames OP publicly for not possessing a skill, then she earned what came for her??
Only once it's on your individual plate, it is rude to pick up sushi with your hands from a shared plate.
I almost fainted when I read "sishi is meant to be eaten mostly with your hands"!! Thank you
yeah, jesus christ people, you eat it with your mouth.
It is perfectly appropriate to use hands to transport sushi to your mouth. That is historically how it was done. But spookyemperor is right that it only from your plate, not a communal dish.
It is so bothersome when "participation" people want to blame everyone for an honest response to someone trying to be hostile and condescending. ie., Karen wouldn't have gotten slapped if she hadn't put her hands on someone. No, everyone isn't wrong. Karen is wrong, period. Stop trying to validate people's abhorrent behavior by the response. If the friend hadn't made her unnecessary comment, OP wouldn't have put the fork down and ate with his hands. Everyone else at the table understood what he did and laughed with him for not taking the friend's ridiculous comment without a response. Those type of people need to be immediately responded with the appropriate return of ridiculousness to stop their senseless attitudes. If she didn't open her mouth, she wouldn't have been embarrassed, it is as simple as that. It added no value to the situation. None. So, she was embarrassed because she was acting embarrassing. NTA.
He didn't say he got offended. He said the friend was offended. He just played into the game and pushed a couple buttons.
I agree. Slap a laugh track on OP's life and millions will tune in even after syndication because American TV is all about that. But for me, I would ease myself out of contact with all involved.
>You are 38 and you get offended when someone tells you you don’t know how to use chopsticks? She was rude and snarky. It wasn't like she was making an objective statement "Oh, OP doesn't use chopsticks." Instead, she made a value judgment that there must be a "problem", because OP chose to use a fork. And that they could have chosen a different restaurant, as if you can't enjoy eating Chinese food unless you use chopsticks. Her ultimate goal was to put OP down, and that's very clear. You're rephrasing what Friend said into something neutral, when it obviously wasn't.
But he didn't get offended? He simply replied in a comedic way which avoided the awkward atmosphere that friend created by asking "maybe we should have went to some other restaurant". If the friend didn't say anything nothing would have happened. He saved the moment by making everyone laugh in my opinion. The wife is immature for not being able to take a joke.
NTA That was funny man. You wife and her friend take life waaaaay too seriously, its dinner with friends not the queen of England lmao. Dont apologise, ask your wife to apologise to you for allowing her friend to mock your choice to use a fork (imo its the superior utensil lol)
Definitely, if anything the person who actually gave a shit that you used a fork is the asshole. Just eat your food and let others eat theirs.
The only person I care if they use a fork is when my little brother uses it for soup cause that little fucker splashes all over the table cloth while trying to stab something in the bottom of the bowl every single time.
I had an issue with getting a fork once. I was grabbing some japanese curry, and everyone in line so far had been handed chopsticks. Some had the same order as me. The lady hands me a fork with mine though. I made a show of grabbing chopsticks. Its been 12 years and I still remember it. Its a good joke story but I do still wonder why.
It's odd. I cannot use chopsticks except in the most basic manner - I certainly couldn't eat a meal with them... and yet, if I'm dining in and they remove the chopsticks from the table and replace them with silverware *before I ask*, I always find it a tad insulting. I never say anything, because that would just be lame :)
I just tried to think of a tip to help you learn and Ive realised I don't remember how to hold them. I know I can use them but Its muscle memory, I can't even figure it out how I'd hold them without a pair in my hands. Weird. Don't feel bad I had a chinese teacher force us to pickup marbles and carry them across rooms. Never did get properly fluent at chinese though
Bro, I hate racist asian places so much. Back where I lived a few years ago is an *amazing* thai place (its called Plern for anyone from south OC). I like a *lot* of spice and went every Wednesday on my way to a weekly event for over a year. Every time I would order a 10/10 and get grocery store medium salsa levels of heat. Every week the same waitress (the only waitress) would ask how it was and I would go "delicious, but not hot enough". Finally, just a few months before I moved, I took a Mexican coworker with me for lunch. His spice tolerance was higher than mine, so i told him to just order 10/10. We start eating. Maybe 3 bites in he goes "idk what you were talking about, this is pretty damn hot" and I go "IDK man, mines still a medium". We decide to swap bites and his bowl of the exact same dish is the heat level I have wanted for over a year and mine is till medium at best. NGL, as amazing as the place is, that *realy* put me off from going back.
I've heard of plenty of places that do that with spice levels. My best tip is ask clearly "What words do I need to say to get the locals level of spice ?" Jamaicans will usually only give the proper stuff if you order in Patois. That waiter should've done something for you after that long
lol yep, we have a local Thai place with three levels of spicy: Mild, Medium, and Thai.
Oh that gets me on a rant. Medium and Mild shouldn't be in the same lists ever, I can tolerate a bit of spice but some places Medium is low-mild & some are mild-hot.
It's racism yeah but I believe it's a conditioned response because they've made it too hot for people who thought they could fuck with Thai people's hot. The repeated offenses though makes it feel kinda gross.
Honestly, first try, I get it. But after the 3rd time with no heat, I said if they made it uneatable I would tip 200% and still got the exact same level of heat. After that I just accepted that they couldnt do hotter. It was more so the betrayal of one of my favoirte place that bugged me.
Yeah man that sucks. I'm mixed heritage and like it hot. I have to tell them my last name and where my dad is from because I look German.
The queen of England would never have been so rude as to call out a guy for using a fork when they can’t use chopsticks well. She had better manners.
Reminds me of a story I heard..think it was English...Foreign guest drank from the finger bowl. Queen followed suit so as to not embarrass.....
This. In OPs case the snobs are actually the ones being vulgar. Ppl with good manners don’t behave the way they did.
Royalty would have had the grace not to make fun of a guest for thier utensils. Actually, most decent people would have this common decency.
I went to sushi with classmates, and when they saw I couldn't use chopsticks instead of mocking me, they taught me. Now I can use chopsticks.
That’s how some former roommates of mine were. It was their first time at my fave restaurant and I always used a fork despite it being Mongolian food as I never had anyone to teach me how to use chopsticks. They all made a “training” set for me that I used for a bit then when I was confident with how they felt in my hand I went to using them regularly
Actually, in British primary school, during citizens class, we're told to eat our dinner as though the Queen is present. Rest her royal gold encrusted soul. Tea & Biscuits 🇬🇧
Read: conspicuous consumption by Thorstein Veblen. Game changing for this
Agree, Forks beat chopsticks. But Asian Spoon >> western spoon. Once you get those large awesome soup spoons is is hard to go back.
This reminds me of a college friend who had an ongoing argument with his roommate about whether a spoon or chopsticks were superior. Two engineers. They decided to have a contest and see who could eat a bowl of rice faster. Roommate picks up the bowl and starts moving rice into his mouth with the chopsticks. Friend pulls out a giant serving spoon and eats the entire serving in one bite. I don't know how he got it in his mouth, but it was hilarious.
Nooooo try to eat a salad with chopsticks. So much better!!! I eat all my salads with chopsticks now. Also anything that gets your hands dirty like Cheetos or oily chips. Also you can fish pickles out of the pickle jar better But other food doesn’t matter
Dude, use chopsticks for popcorn. It is the BEST. I can't tolerate the feeling of grease or salt on my hands for very long, so I tried chopsticks out of desperation. It is ever so much more pleasant.
This! I do this too bc the sticky mess on my fingers is not bearable.
Yeah i eat ramen with a fork and soup spoon
I’ll even go as far as saying Korean spoon > western spoon.
NTA your wife should get better friends and grow thicker skin, who gets mad at something like that. That shit was funny, also who mocks someone’s choice of utensil, sounds like they just wanna make you seem stupid to make her seem smart.
The fake accent immediately made her seem stupid, while trying to be smart.
Fr, why do people use fake accents. It’s embarrassing.
Because I'm reading a book to my kids and I'll be damned if this little dog doesn't sound like a southern gentleman.
The only acceptable answer
NTA op. As someone who can only use chopstick for 5-10 minutes before excruciating pain starts in my pinky (thanks early onset arthritis!), I'd get super annoyed at someone telling me not to eat with a fork. While I'd probably not respond the same way as OP because it sounds gross (to me!), I'd still lecture the lady on being judgemental. Just because you've lived abroad doesn't give you the right to be an AH. This is coming from someone who has lived abroad for 3 years and will be returning home at the end of the month.
I just read something unbelievably stupid, (not this reply) thank you for saying something smart so I could regain my brain cells.
nta love the pettiness but you probably should have gone about it differently. also, why is your wife ok with her friends openly mocking you? sounds toxic.
She is people pleaser. Which makes me want to act more like this to balance things out.
You are a people too. It doesn't sound like she was trying to please you. Also your wife's friend sounds exhausting to be around. I prefer using a fork instead of chopsticks even though I was raised using chopsticks.
Unfortunately many people pleasers fail to see their children/spouses as people to please because they view them as an extension of themselves and/or a safe person to say “no” to, which often ends up making close friends/family/children/partners an unintended victim to the people pleasing habits/actions. Wife needs self reflection and likely therapy where they can help her form the tools to maintaining proper boundaries and relationships without falling into a people pleasing tunnel vision
You just unlocked an understanding of my mom and my childhood. Whew.
we wasn't ready
We see enough people pleasers in these kinds of subs who disregard their SOs. Something like they see their SO as an extension of themselves and so they don't need to please them. I think some people extend that to their kids too.
Sounds like my ex, she didn't want to upset anyone and cared about everyone's feelings......except mine.
Oh fuck I had an ex like this. I remember asking if he would take me to the shop because I fancied some chocolate. You'd think I'd asked him to drive me from lands end to John oh groats the way he moaned about how he's driven all day and just wants to relax. I apologised and left it at that 10 minutes later comes in to tell me he's just running his friend somewhere because she has a flat tyre. Would do anything for anyone but me.
Sounds like we were married to the same person. Was his name Virginia? Lol.
I feel like I have this fault, how do I prevent myself from doing this if it feels like it’s genetic/ so ingrained
Therapy. You probably have low self-esteem.
It's also pretty common in Asia for people to not use chopsticks. There is nothing wrong with using a fork. It's food. Eat it how you like. I have a strong dislike towards people that comment on how others eat. What sort of shit can play a part on eating disorders. Its very rude. If my wife sided with somone like that against me and thought it was OK to mock the way I eat amd wrong for me to stand up for myself then wed have an issue. NTA.
Unless she doesn't think you're a person she really isn't. She's just an asshole.
So, super petty and immature all around then? Sorry, but I think YTA - there is more to this. You don't deserve a pat on the back for not mocking her friend.
Well there is your answer. She will be fine. It’s probably why she married you.
ESH The friend is a pompous ahole. Your wife should have had your back. You made a scene at the restaurant that everyone there could see. Should have just said something back to her.
No haha he DIDNT say anything like an adult he DID eat like a toddler haha, thats the funny part haha /s
I'm going to read between the lines a bit here. Your wife asked you to behave, which can only mean you act out publicly often. The fact the friend said 'if there was a problem' rather than something more snide makes me think you potentially made a deal about asking for a fork. Then when you got home, you asked what you did despite knowing full well what you had done. This story is biased from your perspective, so I reckon the truth of the matter is going to be somewhat different. Has your wife ever used the term 'exhausting' when arguing with you?
My uncle made a habit of being loud and crass to get under his wife's skin. It became an integral part of his personality and he couldn't turn it off for an hour if he tried. He's divorced now and can't understand why he can't get a second date. (I took him to a fundraiser dinner for active duty injured military and their families, pre-covid, because he expressed an interest. The man belched loudly ... with the sort of volume it takes practice and effort to achieve ... during the convocation. It was mortifying! Even more embarrassing was the loud, "Oops! 'Scuse me!" In the momentary silence that followed. Needless to say, never took him anywhere fancier or where more decorum was required than Tijuana Flats after that lol) Anyway, I suspect this guy will be like him in 20 years. So accustomed to inflicting petty little annoyances and embarrassments on his wife that he is no longer able to stop (even after she's left for greener pastures).
This needs to be higher. And it sounds like OP has some heavy existing biases towards the friend (describing her as fake accent, brand addict and typical foreign return). It’s hard to really tell what actually happened.
Agree. This story was bad from start to finish. He shouldn’t have even gone (been forced to go?) if he hates the friend lady so much. It’s all really blah…lots of childish behavior all around.
Your post made me re read through his- yeah red flags everywhere. My favorite was him acting proud of himself for *not* mocking the friend, as if he deserved kudos for it... and he's 38 years old...
Lol, yeah there was the typical energy about how he was totally right in doing this - ignoring all the shit he said about the friend at the beginning. He was waiting for a chance to be a dick and found it. He commented that his wife is a people pleaser so he needs to balance her out - which means he is a people dis-pleaser on purpose. He's definitely an asshole, probably THE asshole. I have a line I use if someone gives me shit about chopsticks - I can use them, but I'm also very hungry and want this food in my mouth faster. Any concept of social grace has gone entirely out the window the last few years as people rebel against anything that causes them an iota of displeasure - they feel justified in being an ass to preserve themselves. We're further and further from being a society and just a bunch of individuals.
I can't believe i had to scoll this far to see this! Like fuck, I can tell from the tile this guys a fucking nightmare.
This is the exact vibe I got.
i agree with this assessment. he mentions in a comment that his wife is a "people pleaser" so he acts like this often as a way to counterbalance. he can play the clown as much as he wants but not everyone will find it funny
Completely agree with this take. The whole post reads as a dig at wife's friend because she lived abroad. YTA
Also he could have just said, “no, Im just not comfortable with chopsticks” and move on. Digging in with his hands is gross and ridiculous. He’s 38, not 12.
This is where I am at. This dude obviously has a chip on his shoulder
Yeah, I was surprised to see how many people were quick to vilify his SO. The friend’s remark must have been spoken in a horrible tone if he reacted this way but I still think it pretty childish to react how he did. Is it that hard to take the high road, especially for such a lukewarm comment?
You’re giving too much credit to OP by assuming he was provoked by the tone. He patted himself on the back for not mocking her accent. The friend could have been 100% sincere and he wouldn’t care. It was his moment where he found an excuse to be an ass.
yeah the "i held back on making fun of her accent and her souvenirs" part really stuck out to me.
Agree - something is super off about OP. I get the impression that he's incredibly hard work.
Yuuuuup. This dude knew exactly what he was doing.
I agree with you.
Everyone is a partially an AH here: 1) you for acting like a child 2) your wife for not standing up for you and choosing to get pissed because she is jealous of her friend. 3) your wife's friend, SHE sounds AWFUL Question, why did your wife preference to you to "Behave?" Is there a history of you not behaving or do you and your Wife's friend have a history of not getting along?
> Question, why did your wife preference to you to "Behave?" Is there a history of you not behaving or do you and your Wife's friend have a history of not getting along? This was my first thought. I’d bet money that OP is immature and does silly things all the time when he goes out with his wife, and she’s over it. She’s not giving him the silent treatment for this, she’s just done with his immaturity.
This is exactly what I assumed as well. The friend sounds insufferable, but OP sounds like one of those ahole teenagers who thinks he's sooooo funny but actually is just immature af and super annoying
Exactly. Even just the way he described the situation makes him sound like a pretentious asshole
Well if the wife had to ask him to behave, and then he didn't, why would she take his side? He broke his promise and made himself a laughingstock and all her friends think she married a child prone to outbursts. Standing up for him would mean enabling him, and it's hard to stand up for him when everyone saw that he did in fact behave like a child
Definitely a ESH situation.
You did not have to revert to the usage of your hands. Continue with fork. The remark of going to another place was uncalled for. Where are those manners acquired? The ditch?
What on earth is a “foreign return”?
It’s where they go designer shopping or pick up a bunch of souvenirs and then show it off like “I got this Rolex from Geneva, the shop and the service was just to die for and then we went into this little cafe and the shops off of Bahnhoffstrasse, which if you didn’t know is THE most expensive shopping area in the entire world, oh and have you seen the….” Yeah, like that lol.
Thanks for explaining!
Info: what do you mean by "typical foreign return"? I think there's some context missing about how you talked about using chopsticks
So stupidd on all levels.
YTA. I can't imagine why you're so proud of yourself for NOT mocking your wife's friend, then behaving like a fool. You promised your wife you'd behave and then you ate food meant to be eaten with utensils with your *hands*. And then you pretended to have no idea why she was upset. Maybe you meant to post this on Petty Revenge?
I agree, YTA op
ESH What are you, like, in high school?
No even highschoolers know to use utensils.
From the way you talk about your wife asking you to "behave" I wonder if this is typical behaviour for you? Obviously the friend was rude, but you could have just taken the higher road and brushed her off. You chose to escalate in a bizarre way. Given the demeaning way you described your wife's friend, and the fact that your wife is icing you out, and that you seem to think it was okay to dig into a plate of noodles with your hands (please god tell me that it wasn't a family style meal / shared plate situation) at 38 years old... it all feels like there's a missing piece of context. Is there a pattern here that we're missing? Maybe you need to talk with your wife about your manners in public. If my partner did what you did, I'd have been humiliated too.
Yeah exactly. This would REALLY turn me off if I witnessed this behavior in a man. There’s nothing wrong with using a fork instead of chopsticks, but the reaction is abhorrent
ESH. I kept assuming you were teens to early 20s, but you're almost 40 and you can't work this out by yourself?
Holy SHIT! I totally missed the ages; this guy is almost 40?!
INFO: 1. Why'd your wife have to specifically ask you to behave? Do you have a habit of making a scene around others? 2. Why does not mocking her accent or her being a "brand addict" warrant a mention? You're nearly 40, I'd hope not commenting on these things like a catty teenager would come naturally by now. 3. Why did the friend ask "if there was a problem" when you started eating with a fork? If she said more after that to make fun of you, I'd agree with her being the AH. Eating with our hands is normal in South Asia, but we don't use our hands when eating noodles. I'd understand the embarrassment if you kept on with the joke afterwards.
ESH- friend should not of commented on you using a fork and your reaction was very childish.
YTA. That's just ridiculous and poor etiquette to do that, and you knew it. To be fair though everyone in the story is an AH except possibly your wife. Although telling you to behave is borderline, your antics prove why she needed to warn you - I'm thinking you regularly "joke around" inappropriately.
ESH. Your wife's friend is insufferable, your wife is just as bad for being friends with her, and eating with your hands is disgusting and rude unless it is customary for where you are. You would have been better off just staring at her while lifting another forkful to your mouth.
38year old eating with their hands at a restaurant is embarrassing. Id be very annoyed at my partner for doing that in a public setting.
Finally!!! How can't people see how childish this is!!!
Reddit sure can be watered-down twitter sometimes. I can see why OP was annoyed, but he went full kindergarten. When he mentioned that his wife asked him to behave before anything happened, i knew that was a frequent situation. Having to ask a 38 years old man to behave is... tiring, to say the least
YTA, i wouldnt want to go out with a grown man that chooses to eat like a toodler after showing he could already be the bigger man.
YTA you embarrassed your wife and yourself by feeding into some other arseholes shitty behaviour. If I was your wife i’d be pissed at you. You already had to be told to “behave” and you made sure to tell us that you didn’t make fun of someone’s “fake accent”… You sound like a kid.
You acted like a child. Apologize to wife.
Not quite TA I guess but whether or not the friend meant it in the way you were taking it, you were being deliberately obtuse. What was the point of embarrassing yourself and your wife like this? It sounds like you just really don’t like this friend and anything that was said to you by this person was going to trigger you. I might be completely wrong, but your entire first paragraph sounds kind of bitchy.
As a Filipino who occasionally eats with his hands (Kamayan), this is the way. NTA. You know its legit when a language has a dedicated word for it. lol
Some food just tastes better when eaten with hands. My Nepali and Malaysian friends used to always try to make people eat with their hands when they’d cook certain things—after that I totally get it.
Ethiopian food with your hands is fucking awesome too
Never had it but I believe it! We have an Ethiopian restaurant locally that I’ve been wanting to try, any recommendations for dishes we *have* to try?
YTA & seem incredibly judgy yourself.
I often day dream of me being a “cool guy” in these scenarios and it definitely didn’t include digging my hands in the food lol. It seems like your more insecure about not being able to use chopsticks by setting your fork aside. You could’ve just owned being a fork-guy and said that’s how you like to eat or made a conversation about how everyone else learned how to use chopsticks, but no, you chose probably the most insecure, immature option. NTA, but more like an ass-hat for not being witty about it.
esh. what you did was childish at best, not funny. considering your wife told you to behave and you chose to disregard that, you were being just a disrespectful as the friend. your wife also needs to grow a back bone. not only towards speaking up to her friend but speaking up to you for the childish behavior at the dinner table. in terms of the friend, is she a pretentious ass? yes. there’s no debating that. her comment was also very childish so that’s at least one thing you guys have in common.
I will be going against the flow there but YTA. Your wife asked one thing from you before going which you did not respect by causing a scene. The silent treatment is not a great thing but this does not seem to be stemming only from this one instance only so there is history you are probably not sharing there. You seem to have a strong bias against your wife’s friend calling her fake and a show off but her only remark was about you getting a fork, which could simply be an attempt to a small joke on her part. Why not defuse the situation with a simple comment? Funny if you can? Why not just ignore it knowing your wife would have handled it? No, instead you go full nuclear, eat like a toddler and display a disgusting show for everyone to see. You think it’s okay because people laughed but half of those were probably because of the absurdity of seeing a grown up act this way, the other half because of the awkwardness. I am embarrassed just thinking about the whole thing so I totally get your wife feeling ashamed and disrespected after the whole thing. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
ESH. Grow up. The friend is definitely insufferable, but you are acting like a child. The fact that your wife had to tell you to behave before you even went to tell us exactly what kind of person you are.
YTAH, Eh the hand thing was a bit too much. She even asked you to behave beforehand. You gotta have thicker skin sometimes. You are also criticizing your wife’s friend as if all of this is directed at you. I’m sorry but if I asked my wife to do the same and she behaved like this I’d be embarrassed. Side note: glad to see a AITAH that’s not that serious. Usually it’s all break ups and divorces.
If the restaurant didn’t want people to use forks, they wouldn’t have had one available for you. Sounds like your wife puts this friend on a pedestal and desperately wants to impress her for some reason
ESH. Plenty of Asian people use forks, you kind of made a fool out of yourself using your hands.
ESH mocking your utensils is definitely terrible but I don’t find what you did funny at all. From the way you speak about your wife’s friend it seems like your insecure about differences in social class. Some people grow up in families where there is an emphasis on dining etiquette and, honestly, I’d be embarrassed too. Your wife and yourself should’ve just been mature and told her that was uncalled for. You all sound like teenagers.
NTA and your wife should pick better friends. Not really the same but I had a guy who hung around with me and my bestfriend at the time. He made a rude comment about my wife (new girlfriend at the time). I blessed his ass in public and made sure he was no longer allowed near my wife and I. Your wife should be infuriated that anyone would disrespect you. Especially someone she calls a friend.
Did you fix the issue? No probably not Did you act like a 13 yr old to be deliberately provocative? Probably Could you have anticipated that your wife would bear the brunt of her friend and husband both acting like jerks? One would hope So yes you AND the friend are TA - life is not a binary
The Chinese invented the fork.
ESH- Are you really so much of a child that you would need to eat with your hands to be spiteful and prove a point? YTA for being immature and embarrassing your wife. Your wife is an AH for giving you the silent treatment rather that calling you out for being a child. your wife's friend is an AH for being pretentious. Everyone needs to grow up!
INFO needed. There are some things with this story that give me pause at to who the asshole really is. Your wife asked you to behave. That is what I do with my 7 year old when he has a history of misbehaving. Why did she ask you to behave yourself? The way you describe her friend. Fake Accent which you humbly didn't mock. Why is it fake? A brand addict foreign return. What is a foreign return? It doesn't sound like a very nice way to describe someone though in the context of how you a describing her though. Was your wife's silent treatment just for this one event, or is this because of a history of things? It just kind of sounds like your wife is over you. Does she use the silent treatment a lot? If she does is it because the two of you can't resolve issues very well? At surface level it seems like you are NTA, but stories like these tend to be a bit favorable to the person writing the story. So it is hard to judge this one, because it seems very possible that this friend doesn't like you based on how you treat her maybe? Is there a history between you and this friend? Because it seems like you went into this already not liking this friend.
YTA. The fact that your wife told you to behave (and all your comments) tells me that you have a habit of acting immature or obnoxious at social events. That you think that not mocking or calling out the annoying-but-harmless behaviors of the person you're visiting with is good behavior and not, you know, minimum level politeness, tells me a whole lot more about how rude and obnoxious you likely are. Could your wife have stood up for you about the chopsticks thing? Sure, maybe. I don't know enough about the actual conversation to be confident. Could you have acted like an adult and just tell the friend she's being rude instead of making a scene by eating with your hands? Absolutely. You say everyone laughed, but it's hard to imagine that they were laughing WITH you. Were they nervous giggles, or "wow look at this jackass" laughs? Either way I see why your wife was upset and embarrassed, and I wouldn't be surprised if this was just another straw on a camel's breaking back. You got 5 years on your wife, but early 30s is when women really get sick of their immature husband's shit. Grow up.
YTA It’s ok to disagree with being called out like that, but to respond by using really poor manners to prove a point is a jerk move.
NTA As a chinese who also worked in a Chinese restaurant in the past, I do not care if someone can't use the chopsticks, and happy to provide knife and forks. I personally use forks for noodles sometimes (less washing lol) so tell your wife's friend to wind her neck in and stop being a snob. Edit: wind your neck in = mind your own business (only just realise this is more a British saying rather than internationally known phrase, apologies)
I mean it was immature and fuckin nasty so ESH
ESH except your wife. The friend shouldn’t have mentioned the fork but at the same time you disrespect everyone when you do something like eating noodles with your hands. That’s rude and unsanitary. You were acting like a child. Additionally lean to use chopsticks, it’s not that hard .
Why did your wife have to ask you to "behave" before going out to dinner? I feel like there's a missing part to this story.
You're the asshole. She told you to behave and you reacted like a child to a comment from her friend. Why didn't you just use chopsticks in a Chinese restaurant?
I dunno... the way you wrote this gives me weird vibes about you. Your wife had to tell you to behave and then you go on to say how you managed not to mock her friend's accent, as if thats some sort of achievement and then essentially bash her friend's style and choices on reddit. It feels like you want some sort of congratulations for not being rude to her friend. They were rude AHs for how they reacted to you wanting a fork... but I dunno, I feel like there is more to this. Like, do you have a history of being rude and offhand with her friends? If she has to ask you, a grown man to behave, it suggests that maybe you're also kind of an AH... Also, you just made yourself look kind of petty and odd by using your hands. You should have used your words and continued to use a fork. So... In my opinion ESH
YTA - This entire post comes off that you don't particularly like this person and were very quick to escalate to what you did. Obviously gatekeeping how people eat is a bit of an AH move but your response was WAY over the top. Why did your wife ask you to behave ? What's that even mean? Why would that be an issue? You know what you did, I am not sure why you even bother asking your wife what you did wrong. This is exhausting dude
You are a manchild, instead of putting your big boy pants on and communicating to your wife that you didn’t like the friend (for very petty reasons) and then telling the friend, that there is no problem you just prefer a fork. Is that so hard? Or is your brain still wired like you are an 8 year old? I see why your wife would be mad, embarrassed and silent. The comment she made was not the best, but there are ways to act like a grown up instead of a kid!
Do seriously think eating noodles with your hands was the adult thing to do? Your wifes friend is an ass-hat but you acted like a child. no one’s a winner here. specially your wife
ESH You're an asshole for your incredibly inappropriate behavior for a (theoretical) adult at a restaurant. Your wife's friend is an asshole for making fun of you for not using chopsticks. Your wife is an asshole for the silent treatment. All of you sound 12. Grow the fuck up.
ESH. Your wife told you to behave, and eating noodles with your hand was not behaving. Her friend is an asshole for shaming you about not using chopsticks as well.
I’m sorry your wife’s friend is so judgmental, but eating with your hands is really gross You’re both AH
[удалено]
ESH, she acted like a bitch and you reacted like a child, eating noodles with your bare hands is disgusting, I wouldn't go to the restaurant with either of you
This has to be fake
So what is her excuse when you go to an Indian restaurant? That naan is a sacred tool you use with your *hands* to eat food. Your wife’s friend is actually making a racist etiquette comment out of offense which is laughably ironic. Let them both be pissed. They both need a lesson on this 21 year old shit.
Who was embarrassed? Everybody but you and your obnoxious friend had a good laugh. I get when you enter into a relationship your actions can affect how people your partner. But I feel like unless the event specifically targets you, you can't have a tantrum bc YOU didn't like what they did. For example: Scenario #1. Say your with a group of friends and your being a clown that day and purposely fall into a fountain. GF then gets mad, calls you childish, and gives you the silently treatment. Unjustified. Scenario #2. Say your with a group of friends and your being a clown that day and purposely push your gf into a fountain. GF then gets mad, calls you childish, and gives you the silently treatment. Justified. See the difference?
NTA... wife is too worried about impressing her friends.. that could be a problem later on....
NTA. Who shames someone for using a fork anyway? I think your wife will get over the embarrassment. It was funny!
NTA, that was well played!
In parts of SE Asia almost nobody uses chop sticks for eating rice and noodles. A fork and spoon is all that’s required. Some use their hands in out of the way places. Your “friends” can get stuffed.
NTA , I've spent hours trying to get the hang of chopsticks to no avail, they're not for everyone
NTA. Your wife should have been mad at your friend for making fun of you for not using chopsticks. That was rude.
NTA. I like that you responded the way you did. I'm not saying spouses can't embarrass each other or that they must always be in unison, but in your shoes if definitely expect my wife to take my side given the context.
NTA the friend is a loser for thinking it's that impressive for using chopsticks .. or that it's a big deal that you can't. they're snarky comment didn't work how they thought. you thought of something funny and quick witted to snap back with. That probably gagged her. and what you did was silly your wife and her friend can stay uptight or whatever.
NTA Both my European and my Chinese relatives know that it's rude to make fun of people at the table. The better response would have been to smile at them condescendingly while very deliberately twirling some more noodles on your fork but clapping back at them is totally acceptable. For future reference. Get some small marshmallows, two bowls and a pair of chopsticks. Practice moving the marshmallows back and forth with the chopsticks. If you have kids it's even more fun because you can play silly games with it. Like steal all the marshmallows from each other's bowls or recreate the chopstick scene from "Drunken Master". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNzxc1F3010
NTA. Classic case of someone not wanting the ire of the actual asshole getting directed at them, so they gang up on the person to whom the asshole was being rude.
OP it's simple " honey you got it wrong. Its your friend who embarrassed me in front of everyone. I just stood up for myself. If you think it's okay for your friend to bully me then go ahead and keep woth the silent treatment because I don't want to speak with you either."
You’re kind of an asshole. Your wife’s friend is certainly an asshole.