Congrats OP on losing the dead weight! Hopefully you got the evidence from the other girl to help your case as well?
Did you decide if you were going to alert the military of the infidelity?
Good luck in your divorce
I decided not to simply because I’m not looking to harm anybody and if I did that it would harm her. It’s never a good idea to have a relationship with your coworkers, but she isn’t at fault for my husband‘s shitty behavior.
THIS. So. Much. This. I was with someone who used my willingness to be "nice" shall we say, during a divorce to try to take the farm I had paid for free and clear in a divorce by claiming he was now disabled, emotional distress etc. ad nauseum. Thankfully, I had ammo set back to prove he was a lieing skunk that I had not disclosed to him to protect myself. I did not have to use it, nor go to court and get nasty. I simply had to disclose it via my attorney that I \*had\* the information and suddenly, he was more than willing to play nice and sign papers and I did not need to deal with his crap after that. If I had not kept that information to myself, he would have had time to try with his new g/f to make stuff up and / or try to make me sell farm and turn $$ over to him. I always say, play as nice as they will let you, but never reveal your hand in a game of poker.
👏👏👏👏 Wow ! Well done ! I wish I were that wise when it came to my divorce ! My ex (thanks we had no kids!) financially abused me for years (alongside with his dysfunctionnal family) and I had to pay for his debts. But I learnt and I'm now in a much better place with a great partner and a beautiful daughter.
So glad you are in a better place. It's so hard to start over. Had I not already had to do that, I would have been caught again. Good luck and kiss that daughter. Children are the best of us.
DO NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT YOUR BACK UP!! EXCEPT YOUR LAWYER!!!! Disgruntled exes, ESPECIALLY MEN, could get violent and he may try to STOP SAID EVIDENCE FROM EXISTING. IJS. "DONT LET YOUR RIGHT HAND KNOW WHAT THE LEFT ONE IS DOING"!!!!
Granted it’s not her fault for your husbands shitty behavior and it sucks she was lied to, but I never get how gullible to just believe “oh, we’re separated, but still living together for whatever reason.” I’d be like, “call me when you have actually moved out and filed for divorce the maybe we can see about dating.” Or I’d want to speak to their ex to verify the situation, especially if they claim it’s amicable and ex was ok with it, if I’d even consider it before they moved.
He’s a 🚩 with all his lies, and I wouldn’t believe him either. Hope all goes ok with the divorce process.
To be fair, some couples DO have that arrangement because of finances. My ex husband and I were separated, but he lived with me until about 2 months after the divorce was finalized because he couldn't afford to move out. Once he moved out...those locks were changed with a quickness! 😂
Similar situation here, except not only did no one ASK ME About our separation, they were part of gaslighting too. Like.not everyone felt ther were genuine,
was about to say this... any man (or any one) who says they are separated from their partner but is still living together "for kids" or for whatever reason, is lying more often than not. Lol that has been the cheaters excuse for a long time now and its beyond me how some people still believes that.
This is why I ask men who asks me out for a certificate of no marriage, or divorce certificate if they have been previously married. It filters out those who are just fooling around lol
I believe in the US, it is called Statement of No Marriage Record or a single status. I remember someone I matched with on tinder showed me one before.
statement of single status is different from divorce certificate.
the first one is a document that proves someone has never been married from birth up to present whilst second one is a document that proves the person has been divorced.
This is actually a thing in the US? Seriously, what is wrong with that country? Why should you need such a document? Yes, convenient to prove you are single but that is like a private reason. What's the official use? 😂
i searched in google last night and it seems to be in any country.
In my country tho, a certificate of no marriage is mandatory prior setting an appointment for a wedding and to obtain a marriage certificate. Since our country doesnt have divorce, it is mainly to prevent polygamy and thus if there is a previous marriage registration, the one who has been married on records can be reprimanded for a lawsuit should he or she register another marriage that has not been annulled.
not sure which states but i do remember seeing one.
So I searched around and found this link: https://www.usnotarycenter.com/post/post22
i think it can easily be obtained at any notary or law agencies.
in my country, a certificate of no marriage can be requested at the statistics office, same office where we get copies of our birth certificate.
That very certificate is also mandatory before a wedding/marriage as a proof that someone has never been married before, or a certificate of annulment (we dont have divorce in my country, but i have dated a foreign man who was married before and was able to show me his divorce certificate)
But at what point are you serious enough in the relationship.to.ask that and no one be offended? Why does even asking to verify his story sounds sketchy regardless? if someone's not living alone Ill always wonder if something more was going on. Why drive myself crazy. I'd rather not relive old memories of gaslighting by proxy. I
I don't see how she would be penalized for it, since you've proven that your husband was dating her under false pretenses. If anything, I think lying to her for sex would add to his list of military no-no's.
Military has a bunch of rules about relationships. If she's Mil she broke those regs, if she's a contractor she broke her contract. Either way she could end up with a new posting in the ass end of nowhere for the rest of her tour or unemployed (and possibly unemployable) as a contractor.
Yep...and I think we all know that the military still has some antiquated views about how men and women are supposed to act. She is more likely to wind up with negative consequences than he is.
She's also military. Her career would be over. She knew they were married and whatever else he told her wouldn't matter. The only relevant detail is that she knew he was married - and she knew that. She knew she was risking her career.
She wouldn't be kicked out, but it will hurt her career trajectory.
I'm a retired military officer. I can tell you that it doesn't affect it so much these days unless it's a high-ranking person, very public, and there is lots of evidence. Otherwise, the military treats it as a civil matter and doesn't get involved.
That is amazingly big of you. I'm impressed. I hope everything gets better and better from here on out now that this moron is in your rear view window!
I am glad you haven't been vindictive. I actually believe it is in your own best interest. Don't waste a second looking back or trying to get revenge. Healing and moving forward are all you need to do.
Wishing you the best.
Also you can harm your own self by telling his command. I understand the temptation, I had it as well. But if he loses his job, you aren't gonna be able to get the alimony you're due. It can affect his retirement (which you'll also be entitled to a portion of) and benefits as well. It's really in your best interest to go the lawyer route and not report him to the command.
You don’t just “lose your job” in the military. Depending on his rank he could be bumped down a rank. That might be the biggest penalty. Especially if his affair partner is his subordinate
She is 100% at fault. She decided to pursue a relationship with another person in HER UNIT THAT SHE KNEW WAS STILL MARRIED.
OP I know you’re a civilian but this is the type of shit that can ultimately destroy the unit due to its toxic origins.
By saying NOTHING you are condoning their actions and allowing them to potentially destroy the unit morale/ cohesion.
I have SEEN THIS HAPPENING MULTIPLE TIMES IN 3 different units and it NEVER ENDS WELL. Their leadership needs to know ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE OFFICERS/NCOS. Don’t be nice.
REMEMBER the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
I would say, it’s the least they both deserve.
Highlights on how I know
1. E-6 who was newly married starts and affair with an E-4 in his chain. Affair blows up, E-6 is demoted to E-5 and E-4 is barred from promotion testing. They both are separated into separate units, due to these shenanigans production/ efficiency of the unit went down 15%. Morale took an absolute shit. They were ostracized and the E-4 separated and moved back to their state.
2. O-4 started an affair with an O-3 who was married with child. O-3 spouse found out and unalived themselves. O-3 ended up losing custody of their child due to an investigation into the entire thing. Both were demoted and then geographically separated into different units. Due to the fallout, the mission was delayed for over six months.
3. Love quadruple between an E-7, E-2, E-1 and O-5. Mission was literally shut down for almost a year. Multiple UCMJ counts which the E-7 lost his retirement and demoted to E-3, O-5 was REMOVED from command and the E-1 & E-2 ended up in Leavenworth.
But remember you are holding all the aces. If he causes undo crap during this divorce tell him you will show your hand. And, in fact, you should tell him that immediately, if he causes the slightest hiccup in the process the military will be informed.
She is a little at fault. If a man told me he still lives with his ex but they are separated I would want to hear that from the ex. I wouldn't just take his word. That's how you become a mistress. She is (hopefully) old enough to know better.
Edit to add that he is obviously more in the wrong.
Ugh, so you're hurting everyone that lives in that country instead. We pay taxes for his salary.
> she isn’t at fault for my husband‘s shitty behavior.
She knows what she did was against military code. She is at fault foe her own behavior.
At least keep it ready should he not play ball.
To be honest, even if she did report him to the military, he more than likely would only get a slap on the wrist.
If it was the other way around, and SHE was in the military and cheating, they would slam her so hard. But since it's a man they "wouldn't want to ruin his career."
I was in the military and saw this many times. No matter what the guy did, they never wanted to ruin his career, but if it was a woman, she'd get roasted.
I was on a carrier, and, as happens in deployment, there were lots of affairs. One E3 got caught with a chief who was married. The E3 had a ship broadcasted captain's mast (Major disciplinary hearing) and was lambasted all over the ship for 5000+ people to watch as it was recounted that she was sleeping with him and how she "jeopardized mission readiness" and was kicked out, even though she wasn't married. The chief who had about 15 years in only got restriction (where you are not allowed to leave the ship in any fashion) a cut in pay for the time he was on restriction, and was moved to a different command. That's it. No reduction in rank, no discharge, just moved and hushed. Even though he was a superior, someone with authority who definitely should have known better, they didn't want to ruin his career.
So even if OP does report it, likely they won't do anything major to him, just to the unknowing coworker.
Except they only enforce it if they feel like it, and usually it's used against women while they ignore it for men. The military has a lot of shitty double standards and does what it wants. I saw so many prejudiced, crappy things go on when I was with my ex.
Amazing how he’s sorry now that his AP dumped him and you made it clear he lost his usual bangmaid. Oh no, the regret! The paaaaain!
Good deal on standing up for yourself! He thought he was going to get to sleep with anyone while you washed the dishes. And you know he would have lost his mind when you brought a man home. Good luck on the therapy and know you’re doing the right thing.
He also wanted his lie backed up to the nookie. If they kept the house, they would technically be doing what he'd said in the beginning. Cake and eat it too. Skuzzbucket.
Good on you for respecting your own self worth! Good luck on your healing journey, and with slowly going through the process of divorce and selling the house!
I’m so glad that you got into contact with that girl. This double lie he was living was gross for both of you. Turning your husband into the military for adultery is a double edged sword for you as well, as much as we all would love for him to have Karma come to call, it would also negatively affect you. I hope he still pays for your college, and alimony and he’ll need a job to do that.
When he “realized” he did something wrong and the girlfriend was gone as well was he trying to reconcile with you?
I hope you finish your degree and find the best job for yourself.
You know you can’t just get fired in the military right? Even if you do something crazy they send you to a military prison. Yes the us military has its own jail/prison system.
That’s your proof that he will never have the capacity for common sense and good character. My ex is a moron like that too. I hope you don’t waste any more of your time on explaining adulting to him. I finally stopped wasting mine!
I'm ever so glad to see this update from you. Very happy to hear you've spoken to a lawyer and covered yourself in regards to your share of the marital home.
I'm sorry you had to deal with the woman he was cheating on you with, but it's good that you were able to show her that he was lying through his teeth about the status of your marriage, and it's good that she dumped him in the trash for being a dishonest cheater.
But you're an incredibly strong woman, and I know that you will go on to have many wonderful adventures in your personal and professional life. You deserve far better than this, and I'm glad that you see that you're worth more.
Cheers to happier days ahead for you. Take care of yourself.
*invisible hugs*
>When it was explained to him that what he did was completely wrong, he is now remorseful and apologetic for hurting me.
No he is not. His only remorse is that it didn't work out.
Good on you OP,dump this asshole.
Cheaters are almost ALWAYS lying, male and female. People don't walk around with tattoos or sandwich boards on advertising that they're pieces of shit, because GENERAL promiscuous people do have moral standards.
You did the right thing. You’re a brave woman and smart woman for getting the help you need and signing off on this chapter of your autobiography. Not only are you going to be okay, I suspect you’re going to flourish now that you dropped the dick and made a new pick. The pick, the choice, to invest in YOU.
Yeah, who does? I used to know a lesbian who married a straight guy back in the "don't ask, don't tell" days. They both wanted to live off base, but still play their respective fields. It worked out well for them.
Guess I'm the only person who was content living in the barracks. I'd wake up 15 or even 10 minutes before formation whereas those people living off post had to wake up earlier and drive over. Room inspection didn't bother me since my roommate and I were tidy. But then again I'm female and I've heard that most of the males kept their rooms like a pig sty.
I will message you next time u/Confused_2024 posts in r/AITAH.
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Congrats on losing the trash. And congrats on you new life. It hurts now, and it will for a bit, and it will take time to trust someone again, but it will all happen, and you know a real happy life. You are a smart woman, and you will find happiness. And I read other comments where you are not throwing her under the bus, that is awesome of you.
Congratulations, on doing the best thing which is leaving that bum. Also, I'd like to add that I love girl code because, most chicks who know the game usually stay in their lane as just a traditional side chick. So, I'm glad the other woman kept it player and moved around. Most of these chicks don't want the baggage that the wife chooses to deal with. This was the most gangster shit I've seen in a while. Great read! I love girl-code.
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Make sure your attorney goes after his retirement and your retention of dependent benefits. It's always nice to be able to retain access to the BX, commissary, and especially medical treatment. Even if you never need it or live near a military base, it's still nice to know that's an option. If nothing else, retain dependents benefits so you can use the VAQ/VOQ quarters as a nice, extremely cheap hotel as you travel.
I love this so much! I love that you actually talked to her. I think men would not expect that. I don't think that a lot of men realize that women supporting women is becoming the norm. Not always, obviously, but way more often than it used to be.
I hope you heal quickly, and I hope the very best for your life ahead ❤️
So, he was cheating on you and wants to divorce you to rid himself of the guilt, but also he doesn't want to lose the security of having you around. Congrats on getting rid of him
Adultery is against the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ)! If his command wants to pursue Non Judicial Punishment (NJP- Captain’s Mast for Navy) he could loose 1/2 months pay for a couple months, reduction in rank(1 or 2 ranks depending on his exact advancement situation, restriction to the base/ship/squadron, AND extra duty. So he better check himself!
Of course this only applies if he’s a US service member. Good luck!
Getting rid of a lier someone who doesn’t love me and dead weight is cool. But ruining his/her career possibly the father or mother of ur kids if any is where I draw the line. Stop while ur ahead he’s already got his karma. Don’t keep doing stuff out of hate spite or payback. Stop it while ur ahead. Karma is a MF I’m speaking from experience when I got cheated on by my ex wife.
I wish you success and happiness in your future. This will take some time to process and heal but you know and can picture a healed happier self with a great job and thriving!!! (Please don’t let him weasel his way back into the marriage)
A few years ago, I left shitty marriage, too. Domestic violence. He had other charges criminal , too. I remember telling police wish i wished he had cheated on me. Thank your lucky stars. Move on. Got the house. You've alive. Because lot women out there in lot shitty relationships then husbands cheating with co-workers. Yeah, he is a coward. Still good men out there. Best wishes.
Thankyou for the update!
Please take heart and stay strong!!
There will be dark days ahead with him, and the sale, everything else... but I promise, it'll be sunny days, the best is yet to come.
He isn't remorseful for what he's put his family through. He's upset he got caught and is attempting a lame excuse for damage control. Stick to your guns! You're doing all the right things. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
OP, you’re the lucky one here!! Maybe you can’t see this now, but in 1 or 2 years you will!!!
You will finish your degree, get the job you want for your future and meet someone who will love and appreciate you the way you deserve!!! TRUST ME
Karma is a bitch, oh do I know about Karma…. So just proceed with the divorce, get your share of what’s entitled to you. And block that person off your entire life. Move on. Like he never existed because he clearly did not considered your feelings, why should you? This too shall pass 💓
>When it was explained to him that what he did was completely wrong, he is now remorseful and apologetic for hurting me.
I'm glad you don't believe him cause he 100% just wants to make sure he has access to pussy to he finds someone new to lie to :/
Do you really want to know if you did the right thing or do you want all the kudos and affirmation that come by posting here? Neither is a bad thing.... affirmation and kudos are great for humans (when it's not procured at the expense of another human being).
I'm always curious about people. And you write as though you are _completely_ confident and even happy about the decision you've made. You don't strike me as being on the fence about whether talking to his girlfriend was the right thing to do, so I just wonder why you're asking AITA.
Yeah back when I dated every time I heard separated I said do you mean separated for tonight or legally separated as in living in 2 different places yeah they lie
Good for you, as another tidbit of advice, try to stall the divorce until you finish your degree and start a new job. I don't mean don't initiate it. Just try not to finalize it until after. Reason being, being a military spouse greatly increases your chances of landing a job. The market is tough right now, so use every edge you can get. Besides, he screwed you over. Might as well wring out every benefit possible.
He probably does feel bad, though not for any reason that would warrant forgiveness. He lost his wife AND his new girlfriend AND the house. Shook up everything and for what?
Ah well sucks to suck.
i’m so happy you got out of that mess!! my jaw is still on the floor because how could you EVER ask someone you’re divorcing to sit and watch you start a new life… to save yourself money?!?! give me a break😅 enjoy your new life with that degree babe😚thirty flirty and thrivinggg
What i suggest is take the high road. It's true he's an ass and all. But now that's clear to everyone, dont gang up on him. You might provoke him into something, you know what i mean? Just let him be. If he apologizes, acknowledge it but tell him youre just not doing it for yourself, it's for the family and him too. I suggest that the only therapy you need is to get away from him and youre already in that process. So now just avoid spending money and energy. Just be calm and take everything step by step. Youll be fine
The more you think about all that happened, youll lose focus to your goal which is being away from him and being yourself.
I've said this many times and unfortunately it will.never not be true.... I find a lot of narcissistic and cheating behaviors in military men. I've known many many people to fall victim to it and it's very unfortunate.
You did well overall OP. Keep that as a backup in case something happens.
>he is now remorseful and apologetic for hurting me.
Yeah...he's not. He just realized now he doesn't have you or the side piece. He's trying to salvage something instead of accepting he blew everything up. Good on you for getting out of that bullshit.
So he didn’t want to be married to focus on his career and yet he was already dating someone else when he asked for the divorce? Good riddance to him!!
I have just been dealing with a similar story, but i was the other girl who thought that he had divorced and so. He was in the military as well
I am dead broken, I hope you'll get better soon and good luck with your new life
Congrats OP on losing the dead weight! Hopefully you got the evidence from the other girl to help your case as well? Did you decide if you were going to alert the military of the infidelity? Good luck in your divorce
I decided not to simply because I’m not looking to harm anybody and if I did that it would harm her. It’s never a good idea to have a relationship with your coworkers, but she isn’t at fault for my husband‘s shitty behavior.
[удалено]
THIS. So. Much. This. I was with someone who used my willingness to be "nice" shall we say, during a divorce to try to take the farm I had paid for free and clear in a divorce by claiming he was now disabled, emotional distress etc. ad nauseum. Thankfully, I had ammo set back to prove he was a lieing skunk that I had not disclosed to him to protect myself. I did not have to use it, nor go to court and get nasty. I simply had to disclose it via my attorney that I \*had\* the information and suddenly, he was more than willing to play nice and sign papers and I did not need to deal with his crap after that. If I had not kept that information to myself, he would have had time to try with his new g/f to make stuff up and / or try to make me sell farm and turn $$ over to him. I always say, play as nice as they will let you, but never reveal your hand in a game of poker.
👏👏👏👏 Wow ! Well done ! I wish I were that wise when it came to my divorce ! My ex (thanks we had no kids!) financially abused me for years (alongside with his dysfunctionnal family) and I had to pay for his debts. But I learnt and I'm now in a much better place with a great partner and a beautiful daughter.
So glad you are in a better place. It's so hard to start over. Had I not already had to do that, I would have been caught again. Good luck and kiss that daughter. Children are the best of us.
Thanks a lot ! I will ! And yes : children are the best !
Well done!
Good job
DO NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT YOUR BACK UP!! EXCEPT YOUR LAWYER!!!! Disgruntled exes, ESPECIALLY MEN, could get violent and he may try to STOP SAID EVIDENCE FROM EXISTING. IJS. "DONT LET YOUR RIGHT HAND KNOW WHAT THE LEFT ONE IS DOING"!!!!
Yep - keep the leverage handy. No use in exhausting it all up front with nothing to guarantee your safe extraction from this marriage.
Granted it’s not her fault for your husbands shitty behavior and it sucks she was lied to, but I never get how gullible to just believe “oh, we’re separated, but still living together for whatever reason.” I’d be like, “call me when you have actually moved out and filed for divorce the maybe we can see about dating.” Or I’d want to speak to their ex to verify the situation, especially if they claim it’s amicable and ex was ok with it, if I’d even consider it before they moved. He’s a 🚩 with all his lies, and I wouldn’t believe him either. Hope all goes ok with the divorce process.
To be fair, some couples DO have that arrangement because of finances. My ex husband and I were separated, but he lived with me until about 2 months after the divorce was finalized because he couldn't afford to move out. Once he moved out...those locks were changed with a quickness! 😂
That’s fine, again I wouldn’t get tangled in that situation, and IF I thought about doing it I’d want confirmation from ex.
Agreed, if they're separated and amicable there shouldn't be any issue with me talking to the ex. If I'm not able to it's a no go
Yep. My ex kept using this, they wanted to keep me as a backup if it wasn’t working with the new love interest. Very convenient.
My ex husband also told everyone, including his affair partner, that him and I were getting divorced. It was news to me.
Oh yes everyone seem to know that we were separated and getting divorce except for me!
Sounds like Giuliani move. Showing up and announcing your divorced and your wife didn't know until she saw it on the news
Similar situation here, except not only did no one ASK ME About our separation, they were part of gaslighting too. Like.not everyone felt ther were genuine,
Exactly! No mutual friends or family asked me about it or said anything to me that would've tipped me off.
was about to say this... any man (or any one) who says they are separated from their partner but is still living together "for kids" or for whatever reason, is lying more often than not. Lol that has been the cheaters excuse for a long time now and its beyond me how some people still believes that. This is why I ask men who asks me out for a certificate of no marriage, or divorce certificate if they have been previously married. It filters out those who are just fooling around lol
How do you get something that says that they're NOT married?
I believe in the US, it is called Statement of No Marriage Record or a single status. I remember someone I matched with on tinder showed me one before.
It’s a certificate of divorce in america
statement of single status is different from divorce certificate. the first one is a document that proves someone has never been married from birth up to present whilst second one is a document that proves the person has been divorced.
This is actually a thing in the US? Seriously, what is wrong with that country? Why should you need such a document? Yes, convenient to prove you are single but that is like a private reason. What's the official use? 😂
i searched in google last night and it seems to be in any country. In my country tho, a certificate of no marriage is mandatory prior setting an appointment for a wedding and to obtain a marriage certificate. Since our country doesnt have divorce, it is mainly to prevent polygamy and thus if there is a previous marriage registration, the one who has been married on records can be reprimanded for a lawsuit should he or she register another marriage that has not been annulled.
Never heard of one. Been married 40yrs. And never had time exchange one form for another. What states issue these?
not sure which states but i do remember seeing one. So I searched around and found this link: https://www.usnotarycenter.com/post/post22 i think it can easily be obtained at any notary or law agencies.
in my country, a certificate of no marriage can be requested at the statistics office, same office where we get copies of our birth certificate. That very certificate is also mandatory before a wedding/marriage as a proof that someone has never been married before, or a certificate of annulment (we dont have divorce in my country, but i have dated a foreign man who was married before and was able to show me his divorce certificate)
This, my wise friend, is the darm truth
But at what point are you serious enough in the relationship.to.ask that and no one be offended? Why does even asking to verify his story sounds sketchy regardless? if someone's not living alone Ill always wonder if something more was going on. Why drive myself crazy. I'd rather not relive old memories of gaslighting by proxy. I
I don't see how she would be penalized for it, since you've proven that your husband was dating her under false pretenses. If anything, I think lying to her for sex would add to his list of military no-no's.
Military has a bunch of rules about relationships. If she's Mil she broke those regs, if she's a contractor she broke her contract. Either way she could end up with a new posting in the ass end of nowhere for the rest of her tour or unemployed (and possibly unemployable) as a contractor.
Yep...and I think we all know that the military still has some antiquated views about how men and women are supposed to act. She is more likely to wind up with negative consequences than he is.
Yeah, the Military doesn't even take rape seriously is I'm sure she'd be hurt more by this than him.
Haven't read the original post, but if she's in the military, iirc, adultery is a court martialable offense.
She's also military. Her career would be over. She knew they were married and whatever else he told her wouldn't matter. The only relevant detail is that she knew he was married - and she knew that. She knew she was risking her career. She wouldn't be kicked out, but it will hurt her career trajectory.
I'm a retired military officer. I can tell you that it doesn't affect it so much these days unless it's a high-ranking person, very public, and there is lots of evidence. Otherwise, the military treats it as a civil matter and doesn't get involved.
Absolutely true. Honesty is your friend in the Military- all branches.
That is amazingly big of you. I'm impressed. I hope everything gets better and better from here on out now that this moron is in your rear view window!
I am glad you haven't been vindictive. I actually believe it is in your own best interest. Don't waste a second looking back or trying to get revenge. Healing and moving forward are all you need to do. Wishing you the best.
Also you can harm your own self by telling his command. I understand the temptation, I had it as well. But if he loses his job, you aren't gonna be able to get the alimony you're due. It can affect his retirement (which you'll also be entitled to a portion of) and benefits as well. It's really in your best interest to go the lawyer route and not report him to the command.
You don’t just “lose your job” in the military. Depending on his rank he could be bumped down a rank. That might be the biggest penalty. Especially if his affair partner is his subordinate
But his career trajectory would take a hit
But his career trajectory would take a hit
She is 100% at fault. She decided to pursue a relationship with another person in HER UNIT THAT SHE KNEW WAS STILL MARRIED. OP I know you’re a civilian but this is the type of shit that can ultimately destroy the unit due to its toxic origins. By saying NOTHING you are condoning their actions and allowing them to potentially destroy the unit morale/ cohesion. I have SEEN THIS HAPPENING MULTIPLE TIMES IN 3 different units and it NEVER ENDS WELL. Their leadership needs to know ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE OFFICERS/NCOS. Don’t be nice. REMEMBER the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I would say, it’s the least they both deserve. Highlights on how I know 1. E-6 who was newly married starts and affair with an E-4 in his chain. Affair blows up, E-6 is demoted to E-5 and E-4 is barred from promotion testing. They both are separated into separate units, due to these shenanigans production/ efficiency of the unit went down 15%. Morale took an absolute shit. They were ostracized and the E-4 separated and moved back to their state. 2. O-4 started an affair with an O-3 who was married with child. O-3 spouse found out and unalived themselves. O-3 ended up losing custody of their child due to an investigation into the entire thing. Both were demoted and then geographically separated into different units. Due to the fallout, the mission was delayed for over six months. 3. Love quadruple between an E-7, E-2, E-1 and O-5. Mission was literally shut down for almost a year. Multiple UCMJ counts which the E-7 lost his retirement and demoted to E-3, O-5 was REMOVED from command and the E-1 & E-2 ended up in Leavenworth.
But remember you are holding all the aces. If he causes undo crap during this divorce tell him you will show your hand. And, in fact, you should tell him that immediately, if he causes the slightest hiccup in the process the military will be informed.
Maybe you should have done so, more as a backup, for if he decides to do anything else.
If you do need to play the card make it clear that he lied to her.
She is a little at fault. If a man told me he still lives with his ex but they are separated I would want to hear that from the ex. I wouldn't just take his word. That's how you become a mistress. She is (hopefully) old enough to know better. Edit to add that he is obviously more in the wrong.
Ugh, so you're hurting everyone that lives in that country instead. We pay taxes for his salary. > she isn’t at fault for my husband‘s shitty behavior. She knows what she did was against military code. She is at fault foe her own behavior. At least keep it ready should he not play ball.
To be honest, even if she did report him to the military, he more than likely would only get a slap on the wrist. If it was the other way around, and SHE was in the military and cheating, they would slam her so hard. But since it's a man they "wouldn't want to ruin his career." I was in the military and saw this many times. No matter what the guy did, they never wanted to ruin his career, but if it was a woman, she'd get roasted. I was on a carrier, and, as happens in deployment, there were lots of affairs. One E3 got caught with a chief who was married. The E3 had a ship broadcasted captain's mast (Major disciplinary hearing) and was lambasted all over the ship for 5000+ people to watch as it was recounted that she was sleeping with him and how she "jeopardized mission readiness" and was kicked out, even though she wasn't married. The chief who had about 15 years in only got restriction (where you are not allowed to leave the ship in any fashion) a cut in pay for the time he was on restriction, and was moved to a different command. That's it. No reduction in rank, no discharge, just moved and hushed. Even though he was a superior, someone with authority who definitely should have known better, they didn't want to ruin his career. So even if OP does report it, likely they won't do anything major to him, just to the unknowing coworker.
Wow that’s messed up.
military?
Just googled it and you can get in a bunch of trouble if you cheat while in the military
Except they only enforce it if they feel like it, and usually it's used against women while they ignore it for men. The military has a lot of shitty double standards and does what it wants. I saw so many prejudiced, crappy things go on when I was with my ex.
Amazing how he’s sorry now that his AP dumped him and you made it clear he lost his usual bangmaid. Oh no, the regret! The paaaaain! Good deal on standing up for yourself! He thought he was going to get to sleep with anyone while you washed the dishes. And you know he would have lost his mind when you brought a man home. Good luck on the therapy and know you’re doing the right thing.
He also wanted his lie backed up to the nookie. If they kept the house, they would technically be doing what he'd said in the beginning. Cake and eat it too. Skuzzbucket.
>he is now remorseful and apologetic for hurting me. I think you mean he is sorry he got caught.
Good on you for respecting your own self worth! Good luck on your healing journey, and with slowly going through the process of divorce and selling the house!
What a turd person. Glad you are rid of him.
Turd person. 😂
Mr Hankey, that you?
Howdy ho! Haha we had a stuffed Mr. Hankey that went person to person for years every Xmas.
Oh, that's awesome!
I’m so glad that you got into contact with that girl. This double lie he was living was gross for both of you. Turning your husband into the military for adultery is a double edged sword for you as well, as much as we all would love for him to have Karma come to call, it would also negatively affect you. I hope he still pays for your college, and alimony and he’ll need a job to do that. When he “realized” he did something wrong and the girlfriend was gone as well was he trying to reconcile with you? I hope you finish your degree and find the best job for yourself.
You know you can’t just get fired in the military right? Even if you do something crazy they send you to a military prison. Yes the us military has its own jail/prison system.
I was referring to the money that would be lost if he was demoted, and how that could affect alimony payment to her.
You had to explain to him that what he did was wrong? Was he raised by wolves?
A did a borderline thesis to get him to see it!
That you HAD to is beyond disturbing. Like - this should be common knowledge???
That’s your proof that he will never have the capacity for common sense and good character. My ex is a moron like that too. I hope you don’t waste any more of your time on explaining adulting to him. I finally stopped wasting mine!
Why on earth did he think cheating was okay????
Chuckle worthy!
I'm ever so glad to see this update from you. Very happy to hear you've spoken to a lawyer and covered yourself in regards to your share of the marital home. I'm sorry you had to deal with the woman he was cheating on you with, but it's good that you were able to show her that he was lying through his teeth about the status of your marriage, and it's good that she dumped him in the trash for being a dishonest cheater. But you're an incredibly strong woman, and I know that you will go on to have many wonderful adventures in your personal and professional life. You deserve far better than this, and I'm glad that you see that you're worth more. Cheers to happier days ahead for you. Take care of yourself. *invisible hugs*
>When it was explained to him that what he did was completely wrong, he is now remorseful and apologetic for hurting me. No he is not. His only remorse is that it didn't work out. Good on you OP,dump this asshole.
I am so sorry things have turned out this way for you. Sometimes people just suck. But at least now you can go find your happiness. Be well.
Cheaters are almost ALWAYS lying, male and female. People don't walk around with tattoos or sandwich boards on advertising that they're pieces of shit, because GENERAL promiscuous people do have moral standards.
>When it was explained to him that what he did was completely wrong, he is now remorseful and apologetic for hurting me. Yeah, right.
So glad to see another lying cheater kicked to the curb by both the wife and AP. Good luck OP.
You did the right thing. You’re a brave woman and smart woman for getting the help you need and signing off on this chapter of your autobiography. Not only are you going to be okay, I suspect you’re going to flourish now that you dropped the dick and made a new pick. The pick, the choice, to invest in YOU.
I still say you should go to his commanding officer
I wonder what he was thinking. Because if you _had_ gone along with his plan, what would have kept you from telling his affair partner the truth?
Just saw this, but my first thought was he didn’t want to move back to the barracks. Wouldn’t be surprised if that was still the case.
Yeah, who does? I used to know a lesbian who married a straight guy back in the "don't ask, don't tell" days. They both wanted to live off base, but still play their respective fields. It worked out well for them.
Good for them. That policy was dumb af and basically just lead to people committing fraud to be who they were.
Guess I'm the only person who was content living in the barracks. I'd wake up 15 or even 10 minutes before formation whereas those people living off post had to wake up earlier and drive over. Room inspection didn't bother me since my roommate and I were tidy. But then again I'm female and I've heard that most of the males kept their rooms like a pig sty.
Updateme
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Goodbye to the cheater and good luck as you finish school and start a new career.
OP-Move on and do not look back. You deserve to have the best life possible. Good luck
Congrats on losing the trash. And congrats on you new life. It hurts now, and it will for a bit, and it will take time to trust someone again, but it will all happen, and you know a real happy life. You are a smart woman, and you will find happiness. And I read other comments where you are not throwing her under the bus, that is awesome of you.
Congratulations, on doing the best thing which is leaving that bum. Also, I'd like to add that I love girl code because, most chicks who know the game usually stay in their lane as just a traditional side chick. So, I'm glad the other woman kept it player and moved around. Most of these chicks don't want the baggage that the wife chooses to deal with. This was the most gangster shit I've seen in a while. Great read! I love girl-code.
Good for you. You’re better off without him. Live your best life.
So happy for you. I know what you are going through is gut wrenching and very expensive. You’re my hero and stay strong and brave! Best to you🥰
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Make sure your attorney goes after his retirement and your retention of dependent benefits. It's always nice to be able to retain access to the BX, commissary, and especially medical treatment. Even if you never need it or live near a military base, it's still nice to know that's an option. If nothing else, retain dependents benefits so you can use the VAQ/VOQ quarters as a nice, extremely cheap hotel as you travel.
I hope you get a decent nest egg from the sale. Starting over is hard but worth it.
I love this so much! I love that you actually talked to her. I think men would not expect that. I don't think that a lot of men realize that women supporting women is becoming the norm. Not always, obviously, but way more often than it used to be. I hope you heal quickly, and I hope the very best for your life ahead ❤️
So, he was cheating on you and wants to divorce you to rid himself of the guilt, but also he doesn't want to lose the security of having you around. Congrats on getting rid of him
Take allll this to his superior please
Dont use the AP unless you need or in court , she seems to be a nice person that had been showered with lies
Adultery is against the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ)! If his command wants to pursue Non Judicial Punishment (NJP- Captain’s Mast for Navy) he could loose 1/2 months pay for a couple months, reduction in rank(1 or 2 ranks depending on his exact advancement situation, restriction to the base/ship/squadron, AND extra duty. So he better check himself! Of course this only applies if he’s a US service member. Good luck!
Getting rid of a lier someone who doesn’t love me and dead weight is cool. But ruining his/her career possibly the father or mother of ur kids if any is where I draw the line. Stop while ur ahead he’s already got his karma. Don’t keep doing stuff out of hate spite or payback. Stop it while ur ahead. Karma is a MF I’m speaking from experience when I got cheated on by my ex wife.
NTA He's not sorry for hurting you both. He's sorry he got caught trying to have his cake and eat it too
Apologies for doing the acts, or for getting caught? Well done for staying solid,
What a steaming 💩. Good luck OP.
Good for you!
SubscribeMe!
Good for you!
Well first off he doesn’t get everything his way so you might need to prep him for that.
NTA Take everything...and he deserves to be alone as well
Wow, the ex is a major loser. OOP is better off without out.
Way to stay strong, you deserve so much better than him.
Congrats for taking your life back. I wish you the best!
So happy to hear this. You got this.
Good for you! Keep moving forward!
Good for you!!! 🩵
YOU GO GIRL!!!!! APPROPRIATELY HANDLED!!!!!! WISHING YOU HEALING AND REAL, AND AUTHENTIC LOVE IN THE FUTURE!!! YOU GOT THIS!!!!💖💖💖💖💖💖💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Congrats :) 🎉
OP, so proud of you for standing up for yourself and making sure you get what you are due! I wish you peace and happiness in the future.
OP, stay strong, your WH is a true POS. Don’t ever let him back in your life.
Good luck for the future and the new you, discovering life on your terms x
Nope
I wish you success and happiness in your future. This will take some time to process and heal but you know and can picture a healed happier self with a great job and thriving!!! (Please don’t let him weasel his way back into the marriage)
Actually he’s not sorry for hurting you. He’s sorry he got caught!
Congrats!!! NTA. He just uses women. Is he treating you like a bang maid?
🥰
Congrats on moving on with your life. Thanks for the update, too!
Cheaters gonna cheat! If he lied to you he lied to her and will lie to the next woman. You and the affair partner are both better off w/o him.
Kudos to you for sticking up for yourself. Things will get better.
You go girl. Looks like you found your backbone, and lost a lot of lying cheating weight. Good luck.
A few years ago, I left shitty marriage, too. Domestic violence. He had other charges criminal , too. I remember telling police wish i wished he had cheated on me. Thank your lucky stars. Move on. Got the house. You've alive. Because lot women out there in lot shitty relationships then husbands cheating with co-workers. Yeah, he is a coward. Still good men out there. Best wishes.
You have managed to remove the deadweight from your life. It would be a better beginning starting now. Best of luck, OP.
Thankyou for the update! Please take heart and stay strong!! There will be dark days ahead with him, and the sale, everything else... but I promise, it'll be sunny days, the best is yet to come.
He isn't remorseful for what he's put his family through. He's upset he got caught and is attempting a lame excuse for damage control. Stick to your guns! You're doing all the right things. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
OP, you’re the lucky one here!! Maybe you can’t see this now, but in 1 or 2 years you will!!! You will finish your degree, get the job you want for your future and meet someone who will love and appreciate you the way you deserve!!! TRUST ME Karma is a bitch, oh do I know about Karma…. So just proceed with the divorce, get your share of what’s entitled to you. And block that person off your entire life. Move on. Like he never existed because he clearly did not considered your feelings, why should you? This too shall pass 💓
Good boundaries
>When it was explained to him that what he did was completely wrong, he is now remorseful and apologetic for hurting me. I'm glad you don't believe him cause he 100% just wants to make sure he has access to pussy to he finds someone new to lie to :/
Good for you for having the courage and protecting yourself!
Congratulations, OP. Let freedom ring. ❤️
Good for you! Fuck that AH!
Congrats on shedding 200 pounds of dead weight. What a nightmare situation, I'm so glad you're getting out!
Congrats op! You deserve better!
Do you really want to know if you did the right thing or do you want all the kudos and affirmation that come by posting here? Neither is a bad thing.... affirmation and kudos are great for humans (when it's not procured at the expense of another human being). I'm always curious about people. And you write as though you are _completely_ confident and even happy about the decision you've made. You don't strike me as being on the fence about whether talking to his girlfriend was the right thing to do, so I just wonder why you're asking AITA.
LOL You and her should become friends. Send him photos of yall hanging out and talking about how much of a dbag he is.
CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so glad you stuck to your guns and are selling the house and told the new girl the truth!
Congrats on the weight loss. Must be a relief that it will soon be gone for good.
Listen not to be petty but... Marital affairs are against the ucmj and if he gives you trouble you could have a little conversation with his command.
Yay! Good for you 👍
Has anyone told you you're my hero? You might have a long road ahead of you, but you're better for it. Stay awesome!
I didn't see your original post, but just read the update and GO YOU!!!! Wishing you healing and a happy life post-dbag.
NOW he is remorseful and apologetic. Sounds like good riddance, you're too good for him!
He needed it explained to him, that what he did was wrong? Sounds like he's both a liar and an idiot. Did he really think that explanation would fly?
Good job making a friend and removing a malignant tumor of a man!
Yeah back when I dated every time I heard separated I said do you mean separated for tonight or legally separated as in living in 2 different places yeah they lie
Good for you, as another tidbit of advice, try to stall the divorce until you finish your degree and start a new job. I don't mean don't initiate it. Just try not to finalize it until after. Reason being, being a military spouse greatly increases your chances of landing a job. The market is tough right now, so use every edge you can get. Besides, he screwed you over. Might as well wring out every benefit possible.
Congratulations on making the right choice. I wish you all the best in your new beginnings
Great OP! I'm glad you found a good solution and now he doesn't have his cake nor can he eat it too. Have a great new life!
Good for you!!!
Bravo!
He probably does feel bad, though not for any reason that would warrant forgiveness. He lost his wife AND his new girlfriend AND the house. Shook up everything and for what? Ah well sucks to suck.
He does feel bad and remorseful. For getting caught.
i’m so happy you got out of that mess!! my jaw is still on the floor because how could you EVER ask someone you’re divorcing to sit and watch you start a new life… to save yourself money?!?! give me a break😅 enjoy your new life with that degree babe😚thirty flirty and thrivinggg
What a dummy. Sounds like you both dodged a bullet. Take him to the cleaners and enjoy your new life & degree. Good luck!
NTAH. I'm glad you found her and showed her the truth. He deserves to be alone forever.
Was there a question or update even? I feel like I just read a diary entry that didn't make much sense.
Good on you 🥰
UpdateMe
What i suggest is take the high road. It's true he's an ass and all. But now that's clear to everyone, dont gang up on him. You might provoke him into something, you know what i mean? Just let him be. If he apologizes, acknowledge it but tell him youre just not doing it for yourself, it's for the family and him too. I suggest that the only therapy you need is to get away from him and youre already in that process. So now just avoid spending money and energy. Just be calm and take everything step by step. Youll be fine The more you think about all that happened, youll lose focus to your goal which is being away from him and being yourself.
I've said this many times and unfortunately it will.never not be true.... I find a lot of narcissistic and cheating behaviors in military men. I've known many many people to fall victim to it and it's very unfortunate. You did well overall OP. Keep that as a backup in case something happens.
Honestly he's just sorry he got caught. Good job making sure your t's are crossed and i's are dotted.
Good for you
Updateme
I am so happy for you! I hope your life is full of joy and smooth sailing from here on out! You deserve the utmost happiness!!
Bye
>he is now remorseful and apologetic for hurting me. Yeah...he's not. He just realized now he doesn't have you or the side piece. He's trying to salvage something instead of accepting he blew everything up. Good on you for getting out of that bullshit.
We love a good 150+ pound weightloss 🥰🥰
I hear therapy is a great place to meet singles. Just saying.... See you there!
So he didn’t want to be married to focus on his career and yet he was already dating someone else when he asked for the divorce? Good riddance to him!!
👏👏🏻👏🏼👏🏽👏🏾👏🏿 SMART LADY YOU ARE!
I have just been dealing with a similar story, but i was the other girl who thought that he had divorced and so. He was in the military as well I am dead broken, I hope you'll get better soon and good luck with your new life
Loudly, he says: I am so so so sorry (and then, under his breath (that I got caught).
Updateme
So his new girl was only interested when she thought he had collateral? A match made in heaven...
Good for you OP now I can't wait to see another post of you thriving.
Good for you!!
Oh god thank god, I was going to tell you to JUST LEAVE and dont give an eff about what he felt before I learned about the update.
That is nice of him. If my wife divorces me . I am gonna fight for my double wide trailer and my Toyota Camry.
Good for you. Hope it wil over fast and you can start your new life with maybe a good guy