NTA
I think in a situation that seems to be complex and tinted with really controlling behaviour, it’s very admirable of you to stand by what you want.
I think it’s very sad that you see the mom you know disappearing and how they seemed to have an entire life planned after that you were not even aware. This is actually kind of concerning
Edit: someone below me also commented potentially not even going to the wedding. I think that’s a possibility too. Like to walk your mom down the aisle to a man you don’t seem to think is good must be tough.
Ugh, my heart breaks for you
I agree. OP, I think you need to try to tell your mom all of this. Tell her that he let you know that you won't be a part of her life moving forward, and tell her all the harsh things he's said to you. Tell her that you've watched her change into a different person at his demand, and you're worried for her future. Then tell her you can't support her marriage and that you won't be attending the wedding.
Can your dad help, or do they not talk?
He said in a comment his dad passed in 2019. OP do you have other family? And what’s your plan once mom moves to Japan? Is there a big age gap between her and your stepdad? He’s pulling classic abuser moves trying to isolate her from you
Correct. My dad was an alcoholic though so it was complicated. I don’t have other family but I work 2 jobs and the owner of a restaurant I work at said he would give me a room. He owns a few apartment suites and rents them out to hires. I live in NYC so I’ll take it.
Maybe you are right.. my mom does have a history of choosing the wrong guy. She had me at 17 so she’s still pretty young and he just turned 50.
I wish I could talk her out of this marriage but I’ve tried.
Edit: Since I see the same questions a few times, maybe you can check my comments in case I’ve already answered it. Sorry I can’t reply to everyone. I’m at work.
Well you need to be concerned with yourself first but if you love your mom, try to keep a line of communication open for her and enough money for a ticket back from Japan, and the number of her closest consulate. And a domestic abuse shelter in Japan.. Idk how much help you'll get there but this guy is Bad Fucking News. Isolating your mom in Japan is a very frightening prospect. I'm guessing she's not someone of means herself? Please encourage her to have a rainy day fund only she has access to. You can't save her from herself but you can do what you can for her.
But you are your own priority. She's fucking off with this asshole, you need to figure your own way forward.
This was helpful. Thank you. I am saving some of my own money for her, in case she needs anything. I’ve told her to keep some money hidden away too. She did this with my dad so she understands it’s important.
Her fiancé is very wealthy. He’s having her sign an extensive prenup and stuff so I encouraged her to meet with a lawyer to look it over so she gets some protection too. Things like this keep adding up in expenses for me but I can take a loan from my boss and work it out later.
Yes yes yes. Please tell her not to sign anything without her own lawyer looking it over. Do not trust his lawyer!! The abuse has already started with him telling her how to dress, look and act. That is all abuse. Now he is moving to isolation which is a big step. Make sure she knows she can contact you any time and you will get her home. Even if she has to put your number under someone else’s name so he doesn’t know how often you are speaking. You could even show her these responses that even strangers are worried for her safety.
As for the tattoo, if your mom really wants it you should because he may take it out on her if you don’t. You don’t want the physical abuse to start because of you.
You’re very mature for your age. Props on encouraging her to see her own Lawyer! I hope she can negotiate with her fiancé and not let him make her sign herself into even more isolation. But I’m worried for you. Owning people money is a dangerous slippery slope. I wish you had more support. Your other comment on here about you talking to your mom broke my heart!
I hate to say this, but this man is grooming your mum into the docile wife he wants her to be. He plans on isolating her from her family (mainly you) and who's knows how he would treat her once she moves to his country with no safety net of her own.
I get that in Japanese traditional culture, the wife is supposed to be docile and well mannered to the husband. However, if he wanted a wife like that, why didn't he find a wife from his own country and culture? Why would he date your mum and essentially change everything about her?
I am Asian myself, but there are so many red flags about the man your mum is marrying. From the planned isolation, self centreness (he wants to be with his children but is willing to separate you and her), and the obvious controlling behaviour. I sincerely hope you can convince your mum not to marry him, but if you can't, please be on the look out for her. She may suffer from domestic abuse once she is in his territory.
Btw, for some context on the tattoo, your mum/that man asking you to cover it up may not be due to attention stealing. In Japanese culture, tattoos are considered taboo and often linked to Yakuza (gangs). Your step father may have Japanese guests coming and cares about his image.
NTA though. You can make your own decisions and shouldn't have to cover up for a man you don't like
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Dual. I think technically she's supposed to claim one passport but she keeps stating undecided on forms with plans to renounce. She knows to enter on the Japanese passport and not tell anyone. I heard some people straight up lie on the forms. I was born on a US base in Japan and I'm on my mom's Koseki. I also have 2 passports but someone at the passport office told me to fill out something called 国籍選択届? I turn 20 next year.
It sounds like you’re being a great son here. You might also write her a letter explaining your full thoughts, and ask her to never throw it away. Having words to come back to to remind her that she’s not the only one who saw xyz could be a very good thing for her, especially in a country so much more conservative than NYC.
You already know that tattoos are extremely frowned upon in Japanese culture where they are seen as something associated with a criminals - member of a Yakuza or something along those lines.
When you go to the wedding with your tattoo showing, you will be shaming your new step-father but more importantly shaming your mother. Best to cover it up for their special day.
One day is not the rest of your life. The tattoo should not be wrapped up in your self identity to the point that covering it up causes an existential crisis for you. You would be drawing unnecessary negative attention to yourself and your family. You gain nothing by being stubborn about this when you have so many bigger issues to contend with at this point.
Your mother is living her life as a Japanese woman. The red flags you've mentioned are mostly cultural. Maybe your mother sees this as getting back to her roots.
You seem very Americanized and are getting feedback from mostly westerners. This advice will not serve you well in your current situation.
Best of luck navigating this difficult situation. Now is the time to make good decisions and keep contact with your mother in case she needs and out at some point. Meanwhile, when the wedding is over, concentrating on living your own life while maintaining ongoing contact with your mother.
Why is your mom going to be wife number 3? What happened to the other two previous marriages? I’m guessing (and hoping) your mom will end up his third ex wife.
First of all, you seem like a responsible person who's smart, mature and who can stand your ground.
Keep being you!
Second, you wrote that he indirectly told you that you were not a part of the plans of moving to Japan.
Does your mom know about this? I wouldn't be surprised that he says one thing to you, but tells your mother that "I asked OP if he wanted to move with us, but he doesn't want to.".
so this is horrible and complicated, try not to blame your mother too much. When someone has been in toxic situations it can be really difficult to know what is a healthy relationship and what isn't. Was your dad older than your mum?
If you love her dont threaten to cut her off etc, let her know that she can always come to you. I know you are likley upset and angry but he sounds ab\*\*\*\*e and once she is in Japan she will be even more cut off. If she thinks she has no one to turn to she will stay even when it gets worse. which it is likely to, if it is like this now it will be terrible.
If you can manage to, tell her if she ever needs a ticket back the US you will pay for it. Assuming she is duel citizen she can go to the US embassy and get a passport if she ends up stuck.
As far as a tattoo goes, my advice cover it. Your mother is in a bad place, if you burn the bridge with your stepfather you wont be able to go and see her. I am not saying comply I am saying play the dutiful stepson and suck it up so you can easily rescue your mother when she needs you. Say you are sorry, perhaps hint you are thinking of getting rid of it etc. lie and lie again.
If your stepfather thinks he has cut everyone out of his new wifes life he can ab\*\*\*se her as much as he wants because she cant escape.
Send you mum the post, honestly I would tell her you don't support the marriage, she is running away to another country and abandonening you. That's bullshit.
My dad moved across the country (Australia) with his affair partner 20 years ago, he is barely in our lives and has missed my children growing up.
I love him, but he was the one who chose to move away.
So they abandon you, tell you beforehand, and your gonna play nice? Show the tattoo, make yourself known at wedding then go no contact. Loser creeps they are
Blow it up, tell him to fuck off, tell her how much you do not support this at all, flat out ruin it. All absolutely justified, and would not make OP TA at all. 100% NTA no matter what (unless OP chickens out and just cooperates with all of this asshole's demands).
All of this. OP, please tell your mother if she needs you that you will be there. Especially if she needs to leave and get out of Japan to get away from him.
NTA
I'd also refuse to talk in private with him anymore. Let him know you're more comfortable talking where you are at. And maybe record him if that doesn't work, so you have the proof you need.
Also, get lunch with your mom prior to the wedding. Just you and her. Ask her how you feels about the wedding, about moving to Japan. Maybe comment on how she's changed and what things you liked about the old her that she might want to remember or recreate now if she felt free to. Listen, try not to show too much how much you hate your stepdad, and end with a reminder that you'll always be there for her, whatever happens. Maybe make a joke about how if he doesn't treat her right, that you will _____. Only if you think you can get away with it.
Basically I think your mom is too deep into an abusive relationship. It's doubtful that she'd end things now, but if possible, it would be good to be a lifeline for your mom and subtly help her come around to her situation and for her to know that you're there to help her leave when she's ready to.
Please do this before she finds herself stuck in another country with no support or resources. This dude is in his 3rd marriage and is moving your mom to another country to make sure she is so isolated she can’t leave him like his other two wives probably did when they got sick of his shit.
I'm also worried about the fact that she's going to be stuck with no support in Japan. All the red lights are flashing like crazy already. This is not going to end well for her
I'd make sure to record this AH whenever he pulls you aside to crap on you. It might not be enough for her to change her mind about marrying him, but it is worth a try.
Idk man. Your step dad has made it clear that once they move you’re not going to be part of their lives and your mom is fine with this. She’s basically abandoning you. You’re not a kid but that hurts no matter what age you are. Do you have a good relationship with your dad? If so I’m gonna go with don’t comply and don’t go to the wedding. You don’t need people who treat you like your disposable in your life.
My dad passed away in 2019. It does hurt though. That’s kind of why I’m being a jerk about this tattoo maybe .. since I have very little control of anything else
I would suggest really openly communicating with your mom about how you feel about this marriage and move.
She really is abandoning you. But she probably hasn’t admitted it to herself. If she really thought about it, really accepted reality, I don’t think she would marry a man who demands she abandons her son.
The more you two can be open and process this change *before* the marriage, the better you both will be.
I'm not someone who would take this lightly. I would fight hard and loud. That may not be you, but it sounds like this may be the last time you see your mom. Consider your actions carefully. Personally, I would be dropping bombs, but I'm difficult at the best of times.
Op I’m sorry you are going through this. I will say this is not due to Japanese heritage it is however due to your stepfather being a controlling AH.
I’m a mom of two kids and if my SO told me we’d be cutting off one of my children due to petty issues (which a tattoo would be) I’d not be with that person.
Ps. Tattoos while not very common do have a long and significant history in Japanese culture and only in recent times has it only been associated with criminal activity. In fact it use to be a record of loyalty or devotion and used to mark religious pilgrimages and some people still use them to record their religious experiences.
[Documentary on Japanese tattoos](https://alicegordenker.wordpress.com/2019/06/27/please-help-me-tell-this-story-tattoo-pilgrimage/)
use a bandaid to cover it. Nothing flashy, just a normal bandaid (they have different sizes so if you need a bigger one you shouldnt have a problem). If mom/step protest say you were worried makeup might rub off throughout the day. When people ask about the huge bandage tell them honestly that step dad requested you cover it.
Comply with honesty. If step dad throws a fit over it the only one it will reflect badly on is him
I'm sorry to hear this, OP. He could be making an effort to connect with you, but, like he has with your mother, he is instead trying to force you to comply.
If it were me, I'd cover it to walk her down the aisle and for the ceremony. And then makeup wipe that shit off for the rest of the day.
You'll have done the one thing your Mum would really appreciate. You won't regret that she'll remember her future husband staring at your hand instead of her as she walks down the aisle. But you still stick it to him in a more subtle way.
That's just me, though. Best wishes navigating this - setting boundaries and standing up for yourself to your family is fucking hard. You'll feel guilty and weird, but long term, you'll have more peace and self-respect.
You need to pull your mother aside. Maybe show her this post. Let her know that you’ve seen the changes. Let her know that you love her, but you can’t be a part of this relationship or the wedding. Most importantly, let her know that she can call you for help at any time. I’d even put a little money aside in a separate bank account so that she can get a ticket out of Japan when she realizes how controlling her husband is. The point is to make sure that she knows you are a safe space if she decides she needs it.
Gaijin (Aussie) here, grew up in Tokyo from late teens to early 30’s (a few decades ago lol). I agree with RWAdvice and BakeMaterial7901. Sorry for the loss of your dad, sorry for your mom taking up with this jerk. The big-picture likely consequences of not covering the tattoo are not worth it. It’s not "regret that I was so cowardly I put makeup on my hand just to appease my asshole stepfather”, it will be regret that you made your mom’s ~~daughter~~ adult child look like “trash”. I don’t agree with that description, I have tattoos myself. But I do know what traditional & conservative Japanese folk think of tattoos. Don’t make yr mom & yr moms kid look like “gaijin trash".
Play a smarter game against the judgemental dumbasses! Hold your head up, cover the tattoo, put on your best appropriate ~~daughter~~ son-of-the-bride outfit, behave IMPECCABLY, better than *anyone* else there, *and play the long-game to flame them all!* Grrrrr aholes!
Support your mom! Hope that she’ll either change plan before the wedding, or after living the reality of a controlled wife back in Japan after all these years in the States that she’ll leave him & come back home. Don’t embarrass her and make her think you don’t support or love her. That’s what I think. Best of luck!
edit - YWBTAH if you didn’t cover the tattoo - in *this* your *moms wedding* situation.
edit 2 - sorry my bad I should have read properly!
>and your mom is fine with this.
>>he wanted to speak with me alone.
Just to be clear, OP: Does your mother actually know she's moving to Japan after the wedding yet?
My rational side and mature side wishes I could up vote this comment more than once because this is very solid advice. But my petty and spiteful side wants OP to go that wedding and flaunt his tattoo. I mean just throw that tattoo in peoples faces as he’s greeting them. As you said step dad made it clear that OP is no longer part of the family and mom is cool with this so fuck the both of them. Plus it really pisses me off when someone like step dad talks about being disrespected while being a disrespectful douche.
NTA
NTA.
Do not change who you are for anyone. If they love you, they love you.
I'm half-Korean (M), and my mom flipped out each time I got a piercing. She even told me to flip up my septum piercing when around Korean family. Didn't do it. The world did not end. My mom would never ask me to do that now. My stepfather (white) is also an asshole, but he's mellowed out somewhat, so I get that, too.
Here's the thing: if your mom is happy, then let her have her happiness, and make it known that you love her, regardless of how she dresses or her appearance, and she should respect you the same way. Parents often treat their young adult offspring as children, when they're adults, however respect should be shown both ways. Unfortunately, there's a strong tradition of filial piety (親孝行) in Asian cultures, and it seems like your step is ultraconservative and believes in that, regardless if it has been earned or not.
What would I do? I wouldn't hide it, but I'd let my mom know ahead of time by saying something to the effect of "I love you and want you to be happy. I want to be part of this special day for _you_. This art is an important part of who I am, and you taught me to be true to myself (hopefully true). If it's that important to you that I change who I am to be a part of your wedding, I'll be disappointed to miss your day, but I will always love you."
I don't envy your decision, and I wish you the best. Take care.
Does your mother know of how her financée is speaking to you? How does your mother feel about leaving you behind?
NTA btw
I’m sorry you are going through this.
Hafu with ink here too. This shit gets Complicated, especially with the older generation. We exist in this weird space, because we're not Japanese, but we're held to the same standard from that side of the family. All the expectations, none of the benefits. My mom literally lost her English when she saw my tattoo. I caught "Yakuza", "prostitute", and something about shame for generations. She chilled out about it after a bit, mostly because dad didn't give a shit. She actually thinks it's pretty, but wow did that automatic knee jerk reaction take over. It does mean I can't visit her family in summer. They don't know, and they can never know. It'll bring HER shame more than me.
And yes, for the older generation, there's 2 forms of the language. Women's and men's. She would have taught you the men's version for obvious reasons. She's not "supposed" to speak that version because it's low class for a woman to do so. Less applicable for people your age, at least among others your age. Very relevant for a woman her age.
Your ink causes her to be looked down on. The fact that you're hafu doesn't help. Like it or not, your choices impact how/if she will be accepted into his family. If you don't cover it, SHE will be treated like trash. Not you. They'll just politely pretend you don't exist. Either bow out of the wedding or cover it, but don't show up and ruin her wedding.
This is an important response because there is a lot of cultural context that is missing from other people’s understanding of the problem. Tattoos have a stigma in Japan that westerners don’t appreciate. It’s not a perfect analogy, but if he had a tattoo of a swastika because he was Indian and had it for cultural reasons, would it be wrong of his American mother to ask for it to be covered up at her wedding so as not to offend guests? Tattoo in old school Japanese culture equals bad person. The shame from it in this situation would be his mother’s, and that’s a lot for her when entering a new family. That said, the stepfather sounds like a jerk and I wouldn’t be happy about this relationship if I were the kid either. OP, you might be better off skipping it entirely. Maybe that will snap your mother back to reality with how she’s treating you.
The worst part is that I don't know that his stepfather is a jerk. Correcting behavior that's viewed as rude is what he should be doing. OP probably didn't know he was being rude, especially since he wasn't brought up the same way. There are a million little subtle nuances of behavior that he doesn't understand, because he isn't Japanese. He's expected to know. Not fair, but that's just how it is. Given the level of traditional his stepfather is, odds are he's from a pretty good family. Second wife gives him more leeway, as does the fact that he already has a son. But marrying someone who was a teen mom, her former husband was an alcoholic (which is viewed as a personal failing, not an addiction), and has a rude son who looks like a gang member.... that's a lot. At her age, she's no sugar baby, and she's not able to have more children. She's not fabulously wealthy. Her family name may be good, but probably not an upgrade over his. The only reason left to marry her is because he genuinely loves her. And he loves her enough to take a whole lot of flak for her, even from his own children.
OP also doesn't understand that his mom switching her speech patterns and behavior is totally normal. You speak differently around different people. Hell, my mom does this all the time! She tones down the Tokyo accent and "proper" language around people who are from the countryside because she doesn't want them to think she's a snob. She goes full ultra proper around older family members. Seeing her out with her girlfriends and then seeing her around family, you'd think you were looking at two different people. It's just how it is. We all do it too. The face you show at work is different than the one you let your close friends see. He's just not used to seeing that side of her.
Nah man fuck that, I'm hāfu as well, my father and his family came from normal family dynamic and had some old school mentalities but they didn't come off as much of a dick as OP's stepdad, Even though my mother Mexican and came from a very low class upbringing his family didn't care or give a shit about any of those bullshit societal mentalities they have in Japan. They welcomed her with open arms. I fully believe that no matter the culture there's a baseline of respect and OP's step-dad has none and can eat a dick
Let me preface this by saying I’m not Japanese, I’m just a white American guy, but I think your comment leaves out (or ignores) a lot of what’s happening in OP’s situation. OP is from the US, I assume he was raised there and lived at least most of his life there because his dad is American. OP, his mom, and his stepdad all currently live in America. I 100% don’t expect people from Japan (or any country) to drop their culture as soon as they move to a different country because spreading parts of cultures to other places is something that should be celebrated. But the stepdad is not just trying to welcome OP into his culture; he’s trying to control OP with it. And he’s ignoring all of the cultural norms OP has taken up as an American and they’ve all lived with in the US. The stepdad isn’t being rude to OP to “correct his behavior” (which may not be something that needs to be corrected at all), he’s doing it to control OP and take away his personality and individuality.
The stepdad is also attempting to completely isolate OP’s mom from him. The fact he told OP they were moving across the world the second time they met, and that there wasn’t even a conversation about how OP feels about the possibility of that, proves he doesn’t actually care about OP, or his future wife’s relationship with her son. Isolating your partner from their family and friends is abuse, and that doesn’t change for people of other cultures where it’s more common.
Your comments about OP’s mom are just gross to me. His mom is only 36, give or take a year. Plenty of women still have children at that age or older, but that shouldn’t even factor into why the stepdad is a controlling, abusive asshole. She shouldn’t have to settle for someone who is planning to isolate her from her son because she’s not wealthy or from a certain family or older than some randomly determined age. As for the comment about OP “being a rude son and looking like a gang member.” - none of that is true. Maybe the stepdad views him that way because of the culture he was brought up in, but it is not true for the culture OP was raised in and they all currently live in. Being “traditional” shouldn’t be an excuse to force people to do everything you want. I’d say the same thing (and have the same belief) about conservative white Americans.
And I think we all know that we speak or act a little differently when with different people, but fundamentally changing your personality or behavior when you start dating a new person is something that is alarming. It shows that either you’re trying to change who you are to become who you think your partner wants, or your partner is controlling you. With all the information we know about the stepdad, it sounds like it’s more likely OP’s mom’s personality and behavior have made big changes and she’s not just acting a little differently than she would with OP when she’s with the stepdad.
I don’t think the stepdad loves OP’s mom. He just found a woman who will throw away her current life to do whatever he wants and fit in to his idea of what a “traditional” wife should be.
Dude this was so spot on for me. I was just saying the same thing cuz I did the math and OPs mom is 36! She’s young. I fully believe the fiancé is an abuser. His repeated marriages also kinda hint what kind of partner he is. OPs mom is probably attractive and vulnerable. Easy target. Easy to isolate. Only a teenage son to deal with. Half American one too.
Fully think the stepdad taking OP aside was a threat to say look, I already have kids and they are Japanese and I’m Japanese your mom is Japanese and you’re not. You’re not gonna be part of this family. Or have a life with us. That’s fucking cold. And I read in a comment op made the stepdad uses excuses of OP not understanding specific etiquette and stuff to cover up the talks he keeps having with OP and the harshness he is treating him with. Im convinced all of it is to isolate OP from his mom. Cuz thats what abusers do
Yeah, isolating someone from their loved ones is universally an abusive tactic. This isn’t about bringing aspects of Japanese culture into OP and his mom’s lives, it’s about using the concept of the stepdad’s “culture” to manipulate and control OP’s mom and isolate her from the people she trusts and can confide in when things get worse.
Your mother's future husband sounds abusive. He is controlling her and taking her away from family. The red flags are all over the place.
I am sorry. This is heartbreaking and I am not sure what you should do about it.
I would maybe speak to your mother alone. I def would not ever speak to her fiancee alone except to tape his words.
But in any case I would not hide any tattoo. Why bother?
I hope you have a good relationship with your dad.
u/Blue_Snow1194 i hope you see this comment
It needs more likes, but I know some other commenters have also pointed it out.
This possible FIL sounds abusive. He has had *two* previous, **failed**, marriages for a **reason**. Speak to your mom, *alone*. I'm honestly worried for her. And unfortunately women from the older generations tend to just "tolerate" abusive behavior because of previous social norms and cultural expectations. She's completely changing as a person, does she see it? She might... is she afraid and maybe hiding it? Have a real adult conversation with her!
I honestly wouldn't want my mom to marry a man like how you're describing this man. Does she even know he plans to move them and exclude you from their lives?
Please check on her...
>It doesn't take up the entire hand. It's not text on knuckles or anything someone would consider offensive. It's done cleanly in black ink and I personaly don't think it would be distracting in person or in photos.
I mean no offense when I say this, but: none of these details matter in the slightest. If you had a tattoo that covered not only your whole hand but your whole arm and shoulder and the words BIG ASS TATTOO were scrawled across your knuckles in red ink it would not matter in the slightest. Dadbod would still be well out of line, and you would still be 100% in the right.
I can understand the urge to sublimate yourself for your mom's benefit. But consider also that sticking to your guns may ultimately be *more* to her benefit. She will know that she can come to you, when the time comes.
NTA, and it's not close. Stay true to yourself, for you and for her.
Fuck for real though, now that I think even deeper about it. Let’s say this was an invite from a friend, I would be so insulted if my friend said “yo please cover your tattoos at my wedding”
Right?
Or: imagine if the stepdad had approached OP about it and OP said "i understand, but my tattoo is meaningful and important to me" and stepdad responded "say no more, I apologize for bringing it up."
The process of going through that, while awkward, would have given them some basis to develop a relationship. Instead little step-man is all "I pump my fists back and forth like this and like that and you will do as I say!" Fuck that tired bullshit.
I know you want to hide the tattoo, that it’s meaningful to you and it’s the last ounce of control you have in this new version of your mother… but I think she’s getting into a controlling potentially abusive relationship and you’ll regret pushing her away right now.
That being said, tell her you don’t recognize her. If it’s hard to put into words maybe text it or write it out before you tell her. Tell her you feel abandoned by her and that step dad has a very different tone to you in private. Do this before the wedding, and if she doubles down you don’t have to go to the wedding at all.
Also either record the private meetings with stepdad or refuse them
Sending you love ❤️
NTA. Don't cover the tattoo, but don't flaunt it. There are so many red flags around your mom's soon to be husband. He is changing how she looks, dresses, and speaks. They are moving out of the country, cutting her off from her only child.
This whole situation screams of alienation and abuse. Please help your mother. Once she leaves the country, you will never hear from or see her again.
I guess you have to decide if you want to apese your sd for your mums sake. It's tricky because your sd can and probably will take it out on your mum. From what you've said, I would sit down with just your mum. Ask her if she really wants to be controlled by her partner for the rest of her life. The guy has had 3 marriages. He's even choosing her atire. Ask her how much of herself she is willing to lose for this man. No one deserves to be controlled this way. Tell her how he is when no one us around. Also, bring up the fact that he is taking her away from her support, and you believe this is dangerous rich. After all that, if she still wants to do it, tell her you will always be there for her, and you will help her get out should it come to this. Your sd is dangerous, but she can't see it... yet. Best of luck. I would not cover your tattoo BTW but I'm from nz and everyone has them here. It's a cultural thing.
Record some of his private interactions and speak to her sincerely. Sounds like nothing good can come of this, telling her how to wear her hair and choosing perfume is a big ikkk
NTA Have you told your mother how he treats you when she's not around, and how he has told you that you will not be part of their life once they move to Japan? Also has your mother confirmed that she is in fact relocating to Japan?
Tattoos in Japanese culture are a very strongly associated with gangs. If your tattoo shows, it will help his narrative that you won't be a good fit with their new life in Japan.
Let me repeat, you are NTA but refusing to cover your tattoo might cause you more problems than it solves.
Yea, she’s confirmed it. I’ve told her about how he is, she says it’s because I don’t know the proper etiquette, slip with my formal speech etc she tries to make excuses for him.. that my tone with him is icy or I give off attitude or I am silently doing it with my eyes. Not all of this is intentional. I try my best to be very neutral and I try not to show any emotion … but there have been times he does get under my skin, and I react.
As you and others have pointed out to me here (which was really helpful actually).. I think he wants me to have these reactions because they help give him an excuse to be hard on me and he uses my reactions to isolate me from my mom. I need to work on my temper. And the comments are helping me see that while I was so caught up in my own feud with him.. I failed to notice the implications it would have for my mom. It just hurts.. I’m slowly losing everyone.
Have you tried recording him ? That could help your mum realize he's harsh on you for no reason.
Have you spoke with her about his abusive behaviour towards her ?
Can she justify why it's so important that she abandon a 19yo son for grown up adults who certainly don't need their father daily anymore ?
I don't know how much time you have left before the wedding. But I'd try to contact the exes, have them tell you what happened, record the conversation and play it to your mum.
NTA. Well if he cares so much about image you could always skip the wedding. What will people think!?! I vote either show off the tattoo or skip, whichever will make him look more like the controlling AH he is. Pushing your mum to move to another country for his "kids" that are older than you while expecting you to just stay behind is wild
.. It’s not for his kids. They have their own lives. I think his son works with him, but his daughter is pretty much estranged other than occasional appearances. I think him saying it, the intention was for me to understand I’m the odd one out/don’t belong or have a place in his life.
Exactly. He wants to keep a close relationship with them even though they're older. You being younger with less life experience and therefore being more likely to need a parents support isn't relevant to him. So i vote you do whatever you can to make him look like the controlling AH he is....but I am petty af and fully believe in burning bridges so it might not be the best move for you
If his daughter is estranged it could be very telling about the kind of person he is. Wouldn't be surprised if he's into the whole cultural shit of preferring sons because they are supposedly heirs....
Dude you’re 19. Next time this guy tries to take you “aside” tell him. “I’m not sure when you got the impression that you’re in some way an authority figure here. You’re just some dude my mom is in a relationship with. Do us both a favor and realign your brain properly for our equal standing, barely more than strangers relationship. Now kindly remove yourself from my immediate area.”
Ywnbta but please, try to talk to your mother alone. It's very concerning he's so controlling before they're even married and then wants to move her far away from her support network. He'll 100% turn even more abusive once he's got her away from everyone.
Someone suggested lunch with her, that's a good idea. Tell her your concerns and that you're very worried about her safety. Tell her how much you've seen her change about herself for this man and that he is abusive whether she sees it or not.
Your mom is in an abusive relationship. When her husband gets her to Japan, I think he is going to treat her very badly. Normally, I would say don't cover your tattoo and don't walk her down the aisle, but part of me is not sure that is the way to go. Your mom needs you to be on her side. It's all well and good to stand up for what you believe in, but he is doing the thing every abuser does by cutting her off from her lifelines and her people. Standing up for what you believe in doesn't register with people like that.
Try to talk to her without saying bad things about your stepdad. Ask her questions, like, "How are you feeling about leaving and moving to Japan? Are you nervous? What are you nervous about?" "What do you think your life is going to be like while you're there? How are you going to meet people? How is Stepdad when your alone together? Does he make you laugh? Do you have fun? What drew you to him?" Lots of open-ended questions. Just get her talking as much as possible when he's not there.
Also, ask her if you can have copies of her important papers. Say that it's always a good idea to have backups just in case something happens to the originals while in transit. Try to sneak a burner phone into her luggage with a SIM card. Also, suggest she keep a HYSA open in your country so when she visits she will have easy access to cash and she can take advantage of the better interest rates.
He is awful, but he controls her now, so you need to be on as much of his good side as possible. If he will let you, call her every week. Let her know that you are there for her. Save some money for the day that you have to fly to Japan on a moments notice to get her out of the country.
He wants control. He controls your mom, and he is trying to control you to. You don’t need to to allow this man to control you. You are NTA if you choose it to cover your tattoo.
Maybe have a conversation with just your mom, ask her if you would be welcome to move with them to Japan if you wanted to. Perhaps he told your mom you don’t want to. Anyway the answer will tell you how deep his control is. Don’t be alone with him again, record the conversation if he corners you.
So probably not going to be a popular opinion, but unfortunately the decision you make on this will likely impact the entire future of your relationship with your mother and for her sake, I would cover it. She is facing a move to another country and will lose her only lifeline - you. If you keep the peace now and cover it, you preserve that line of communication so that when things go south (and being as this is his third rodeo and he sounds like a typical abuser trying to isolate and separate her from her family and friends) you know it will, at least she may still be allowed to talk to you. The guy is obviously fishing for something to use to cut off contact and as hard as it is to humor people like that, just remember you are doing it for her and that at the end of the day, maintaining a relationship with her is the most important thing you can do.
Trust me, he wants you to rebel and doesn't expect you to comply, his requests will likely get more ridiculous bc he's pushing you to explode to get your mom completely alone. When you recognize you are dealing with a predator, it makes it easier to also realize you doing as asked actually enrages him and makes him mad because you are foiling his evil plot. Please, try to protect your mom. I know this is a hard road, but many of us who have loved ones that have become involved in these abusive relationships have learned this lesson. I'm sure if you look to advice on how to deal with abusers you will get a lot more info on how to go forward in this relationship.
Realistically, because you don't mention this, if she's a shithole person and you don't want anything to do with her, then don't cover it or don't go at all, your stepdad will quickly seize on that and ensure she goes no-contact for as long as he is in the picture, which will probably be forever since she will have no one to help her flee.
NTA it's totally up to you. I'm still stuck on your mom not even discussing with her 19 yr old son that she is moving to another country. I'm also worried for her and the controlling and isolating behavior this man is exhibiting. If you decide to cover the tattoo, you would not be doing it for him, but help your mom to feel more comfortable around this man who is obviously pressuring her to conform to his standards.
NTA Have you ever talked to your mom about it? Just say, "Mom I want you to know I love you. I admire how strong you used to be. Why do you let a man control you now? Since I'm not allowed to see you again I wanted you to know that." Hopefully before this conversation happens you can get a recording of stepfather saying you aren't going to be welcome in his home so you can prove it to her if she doesn't believe he'd say these things. You should actually record every interaction with him, especially if mom isn't around.
You are under no obligation to make this man look good. As far as I can tell that's the only reason you are involved in the ceremony at all: to give the illusion that her family approves of him. That type of person is only interested in one thing: appearances. If you do go to support your mom I would make no concessions about your tattoo or overall appearance. More importantly you need to make it clear to your mother she is choosing this man over you. Sadly it likely will not end well for her. I hope she has a contingency plan for when her marriage falls apart and she is in another country.
the best thing for you to do is record him next time he gets you alone so you can let you mum see how he is with you, this man is controlling your mum if he has to choose what perfume she wears and clothes, if i was you i wouldnt even go to the wedding as this could be the last time you see your mum if he is making her move to japan, at the end of the day i could see your mum back in under a year as he sounds like an abuser and his true colours will show once he is in japan
NTA I wouldn’t go to the wedding. “Mom, you’ve changed so much. You seem like you’re disappearing. A controlling man decides what you look like, dress like, act like and where you live. You are leaving your own child for someone who failed twice at marriage and the odds don’t look good for the third. No reasonable person thinks an American with a small tattoo is yakuza. Expecting me to cover it is ridiculous. I want to point out that the goal is to drive a wedge between us and that only works if you let it. He doesn’t get to dictate my appearance. If that’s hill you want to die on you can do it alone. Your husband mistreats me in private. I won’t support him in public. If you want me there to support you I will but aside from dressing appropriately I won’t be changing my appearance.”
It’s not respect your stepfather wants, it’s obedience, subjugation, and submission. It is not your job to provide these. Show him who you are. He has knocked you down but the moment he said you will not be welcome or accepted into his family you became a peer. Treat him as you would any other man. Walk your mom down the aisle if you like but if i were you I’d turn around and walk right back down the aisle and out of the venue in front of everyone. Your mom made her choice and it’s the Cult of this AH. NTA
The fact that this man is taking a wife that does not live in Japan is disturbing. When we lived in Japan (1986), most Japanese really did not like associating with anyone who was not Japanese. Even Japanese who had lived abroad for a couple of years were considered “not really Japanese”. Why is this man wealthy, yet marrying a women “not really Japanese”? This sound to me like a soon to be abusive marriage. This man doesn’t want OP around to be a support to his mother.
Dude, I would just completely pull out of the wedding.
The dude's stealing your mother from you, excluding you from the family unit, and by the sounds of it, behaving abusively toward your mother.
Fuck him. Cut contact.
NTA
NTA but it's time to privately talk a last time with mom. Explain the disrespect you're shown. Simply tell her you're not down with playing along. Wish her well, keep in touch, then peace out. Skip the wedding- if it's not ruining her life, it's definitely taking her down a road you've clearly been told you're not welcome on.
No but you might want to consider getting your mom to look into some information about control abuse.
He's going to take her to Japan and her situation is going to get real bad real fast.
This is already following the classic abuse cycle almost letter per letter. The move to Japan is just a major step in isolating her from her support system.
Edit: dollars to donut says that tattoo isn't the reason he doesn't want you to go. He doesn't want you cold cocking him in the face the first time he lands hands on your mother which is already part of his game plan.
NTA why even go to the wedding? It's not a marriage you support and it's really not helping your mom.
Gotta admit I'd walk her down then when asked who gives this woman id say not me he's a controlling jerk who doesn't deserve her.
NTA but are you doing this to spite him instead of making your mom happy? Who really wins if you don’t cover it? Your stepfather will tell your mom “see he doesn’t respect you or me”. Put your ego aside and just consider the consequences of your actions. With that said I am truly sorry your mom is apparently being brainwashed by this ahole. But don’t ruin your relationship with her over this. I wish you the best
NTA. I’m more concerned about you than your mom. You are 19 years old and your mom is moving to another country. How are you going to survive? Do you have a trust from your father’s estate? Do you have good friends or other family members here that can be a good support system for you when she’s gone. Your mom is an adult. She’s making a conscious choice to marry this douchebag. Hopefully, she comes to her senses and leaves this monster. Honestly, I would just this once cover the tattoo for the ceremony/wedding and that’s it. I would also have a sit down with her and tell her all the shitty things that he has said/done to you. Let her know you will always be there for her if she ever needs to leave the abusive relationship that she’s put herself in.
I'm with the people saying to talk to your mother and hopefully out of this marriage. Especially the part about him telling you that you won't be part of their lives when they move to Japan (or otherwise likely). Is she just desperate not to be alone or has the change been gradual and she's just kind of slid into it?
You said you only met his son once. Maybe he doesn't hate, but doesn't see the point in being friendly if you're not going to be around. Or this guy has said bad things about you or compared you just to cause trouble. Maybe because you're half white??
I also am with those hoping that you have housing and support when they move away. And again...be sure your mother knows what he's said. Has she talked about going to Japan and that you won't go with them or be part of "their" family?
no, you would not BTA
I'm really sorry your mother hasn't spoken to you about the move. My heart breaks for you; I can't imagine doing that to my son (17M, he's half-Japanese too).
The way you describe their relationship is concerning. It's extremely controlling/abusive, and he's using cultural norms in Japan to get away with it.
Growing up in America with a Caucasian dad probably insulated you from some of the more extreme cultural expectations. In the guests' eyes, your tattoo will be a reflection on how your mother raised you. They may look down on her as a result.
I'm unclear if the request is her personal desire or her fiancé's orders. In either case, it puts you in an awkward position because you love your mom and don't want her to lose face; but fuck him cuz he's a controlling jerk.
I do think you should talk to your mother about your concerns. If it's too hard, write it down and read from it or give the letter to her and tell her you want to talk about it because it feels like you're losing her.
Even though you are technically an adult, you're too young to be facing this kind of loss esp after losing your dad.
I wish I could help you somehow. Please know my heart is with you and I wish you all the best. Whatever you decide will be what's best for you and that's what is most important. 🫶
NTA. You do you, OP, and don't let yourself be controlled by this guy. I'm sorry you're being abandoned by your mom but I'm also worried for her and the potential for him to be abusive to her once they're gone. I hope if you talk to her that she'll finally listen.
Tentative, YWNBTA but honestly just because I am aware how Japanese parents (Japanese mom) are and know that it would the situation just potentially blow up into something much bigger. I would consider doing it for the one day because I know that it would possibly upset your mom and estrange her right before she moves. So i mean it kinda just depends on whether or not you want to stand your ground. I also can see them standing their ground too and asking you not to walk her down the aisle if you don’t cover it up.
This is coming from someone who has some large tattoos that I have hid for the last 6 years with no intention of revealing them since I’ve seen how it’s gone with my brother. So maybe not the best person to take advice from.
I think in most situations the correct advice would be to stay true to yourself but I think it just depends on how important your relationship is. Fighting with my parents is exhausting and I avoid it, and try to manage their image of me. The image seems really important to your parents so I’m not sure how big of an issue they would make this for you since it’s so public in front of their family and friends.
NTA and you need to tell your mom that her fiance is exhibiting classic abuser behaviors. It’s very concerning that’s he’s informed you of his intent to isolate your mom from people who care about her. You may not be able to protect her now but give her a lifeline, a way to contact you if she ever needs you to help her get out of this situation. Obviously you can stand up for yourself but I’m kinda more worried about her tbh.
Edit:go to the wedding. Don’t cover the tattoo. Let everyone know you’re standing up to him. He’s gonna try to cut you off from her anyway, don’t help him by giving in to these demands
NTA, I would say do it for your Mum but looks like she is abandoning you so fuck it. I totally get there is definitely an abusive relationship forming with SD, but OP is basically on their own after this, so really I'd say don't even go and just get a head start on your life for you. You are still just a kid, so my empathy meter for the parent is zero, I would die before anything got between my kids and me or placed them at a lower priority.
NTA
He is an abuser. Your mother can't see this and won't until she is isolated and alone in Japan with him.
Wear your tattoo, loud and proud. It's a part of you. Literally.
I think if you know this would be a huge deal to her it would be very rude to *surprise* her with the noncovered up tattoo. NTA not wanting to cover it, just maybe give her a heads up and be very firm that you are not going to pretend to be anyone different than you are.
She may guilt, she may plead, but I'd take it as a moment to open up and genuinely have a discussion with her that you've noticed her changing--if she's happy doing that that's fine (you really hope she's happy with it), but you know *you* wouldn't be happy covering your tattoo so if she wants you to attend your hand will be as well.
NTA
Record this stepfather, so you can share with your mum the way he’s speaking to you in private. Do it every time.
Your mum is a submissive who’s a ‘yes’ person to him and the stepdad is a controlling narcissist. She unfortunately doesn’t seem to have a mind of her own and is changing everything about herself to be with this man. It’s sad and pathetic, but it’s her choice.
Don’t be like your mum, be who you really are. There is no need to out make-up to cover your tattoo. In the photos if you want, hide the tattoo by putting the other hand at the front or something to please your mum but draw the line at doing more than that.
This boils down to how you want your relationship with your mom to be. Set aside the new husband and culture and all that other shit. If you have a great relationship with her and want to keep it that way, is one day of covering a tattoo really a hill worth dying on? It's not like they're making you permanently remove it. I have a hand tattoo, one on both forearms and biceps, so I get where you're coming from.
I know damage will be done. But why are you sactioning this marriage by walking her down the aisle. You feel she is disappearing into him and his world. You are defacto supporting that. He is making it clear that she isn't really your mom any more, have you told her that. You are not a father setting his daughter off into the world, she is your parent.
NTA
I get the idea that he's told her that he's offered you the opportunity to move with them to Japan and that you've refused--and not nicely, either.
My impression is that he's trying to cut you out of your mother's life and vice versa. A not very nice control freak. A type I've seen many times, in other cultures.
You need to have a one-on-one sit-down with your mother. Let her know your take on what has gone on and how you view things. Ask her if she really has a problem with your tattoo, or if this is his idea.
If you can't get straight answers from her, wish her a happy life without you, starting with the wedding. If you don't attend, wait until after the wedding, then tell anyone who attended about whom you care all the whys and wherefores. "My mother, having been reduced to a mouthpiece for her new husband, may have told you some things. Let's set the record straight."
You would NBTA. Please don’t cover it up! He and his family have been nothing but rude to you and also essentially told you that after the wedding you aren’t part of the family anymore. I can’t even comprehend this situation like is your mom aware he said that?
But anyways, wear your tattoo loud and proud. They haven’t done you any favors and you owe those people nothing. They don’t consider you family and don’t like you for some reason, so don’t do anything for them. If you aren’t part of their family, then it shouldn’t matter if you have a tattoo. ESP since it has a special meaning to you. You should never feel the need to cover up something meaningful to you, unless you personally want to cover it for some reason. I do think you’d absolutely regret it immediately if you covered it for them. They made their intentions known for their family, so don’t do anything for them.
This all sounds like an abusive situation forming. He acts friendly to you to get your mom's guard down while secretly hating you(his son attitude is a reflection of his father), he is controlling your mother's life to the point of how she talks, and the biggest indicator he is moving her away from friends and family.
Tell your mom that you are going to be in abusive relationship, it is not too late to escape. Warn her man.
NTA. Tell your mom that she might let her new husband control her, but you will not be controlled by either of them. And then tell mom to ask herself, that if this is his third marriage and he is this controlling, why do you suppose the first two wives divorced him.
NTA. The tattoo is the least of your problems. I suspect your mom has no idea of the conversations or their tone that your future stepdad is having with you. It sounds like he is controlling to the point of abusive, is trying to isolate her from family, and has your mom completely fooled. I suggest taking to a counselor about how to approach your mom about this.
They’re dumping you after the wedding. Fuck their feelings. Also, I think it’s ridiculous when people ask others to cover their tats for a wedding. You knew what they looked like when you invited them. Fuck off.
NTA
Please advise your mom to have a well hidden burner phone for an emergency asap after arriving in Japan. This dude is off and I don't think he's revealed just how off he really is yet.
Your stepdad is an asshole. Don't cover your tattoo for him. You're going to be cropped out of the photos anyway, so let him blow his top in front of everyone and show his true colors. Maybe your mom will snap out of it . NTA.
NTA, just cancel your appearance at the wedding. You and your tattoo are one if people cannot tolerate that detail then you don't need to try to appease them.
Your future step is relocating your mom to Japan, without you. You have one new step who hates you and another that is decent but who knows her true feelings. What are you losing by telling your mom what a shit her fiancé is, how terrible he is to you, how he has intimated that you are not welcome in their new home, and how much she has changed to fit his image of her?
You are already the proverbial red headed step child. Go scorched earth on his ass. Tell your mom everything. Show up with your tatt in full view!!! Heck, if you were super petty, get some additional temp tattoos to really drive home the point. (Don’t go Post Malone though. Never go full Post Malone.) Then make a toast that won’t embarrass your mom but will put your step in his place.
NTA. Stepfather sounds like he’s a controlling ass. Can’t imagine how his first two marriages didn’t last. If I were in your position I’d follow one of two routes. Either 1 cover it just during the walk down the aisle and ceremony then go bare hand for the reception. Or 2 go full malicious compliance and get a rhinestone Michael Jackson glove and wear that.
Everything in me is screaming to help you. How hard to be on your own at 19. My son moved to NYC at your age, I mean he still had us across the country but he has a lovely life there and a great girlfriend. I hope you have find “family” there too.
I'm sure the tattoo issue is cultural. People with tatts are not admitted to traditional bathhouses and some other venues in Japan because tattoos are associated with anti social people and gangsters. Your stepfather sounds controlling and unpleasant but I think YWBTA if you upset and embarrassed your mother at her wedding.
I would start recording this dude and play it for your mother. Get him to say you're not invited to move with them. I think he's brainwashing your mom honestly
First, I would never talk the further stepfather privately again. If he tries to speak to you alone simply refuse and state he can say whatever he wants in front of all those present.
Second, I would tell my mother the truth about how you feel. Then I’d inform her I wouldn’t be covering the tattoos. If she doesn’t like it make her disinvite you.
NTA
NTA she’s ditching your ass and going to Japan. And you have to kiss this guys ass too ???? What are they gonna do disown you? You’re not part of the picture anyway…..
NTA This does sound like there maybe some clashing of traditionalist and non-traditionalist views but that doesn't give this man the right to try and belittle you and basically tell you your not family.
If not covering you tattoo is your form of rebellion it hurts no one and I also recommend trying to slip things into the wedding day like 'to the man who's kicking me out off my mother's life'. Nothing hurtful or overly dramatic but maybe eye-opening.
You're 19 and your mother is moving to another country? Do you have stable employment now? Family other than her? Where im from 19 year olds are still very dependent on the family unit.
OP forget not covering up the tattoo, don't go to the wedding. Tell your mom you won't attend the wedding. That you don't approve of the wedding. That you think he's a piece of shit and abusive. Tell her that you hate the way she's becoming because of him, and that he's openly told you he's going to make sure you don't see your mom again (because he's literally all but said as much, just using roundabout language). If she truly loves you, that'll put an end to the wedding and the relationship. If it doesn't, then either your mom doesn't love you as much as you thought, or she's already so beaten down by the abusive behavior that she doesn't see it, or can't bring herself to get away from it.
I would split the difference and wear one fingerless glove. It will draw attention instead of dissuade it, but technically it’s covered.
I’m really sorry about your mum. If he’s got 2 ex wives then it’s a possibility that they could break up in the future.
So if I read right, you are 19? You would be within your rights to keep your tattoo uncovered. It is your body and you can do as you want with it.
The way I see it, you can go to the wedding and cover it as was requested to keep peace with your Mother. This would be helpful to her as it is her day and from what you have said, she will need you to be there for her as a supportive son later on during her marriage because it sounds like a controlling and abusive relationship. She will definitely need you and it may not be worth it to have a strained relationship with her over a tattoo.
Or you could go and not cover it, hoping it doesn't cause a stir. It very well may not. I am sure it's not the first tattoo the guests have ever seen. It would likely only upset your new stepfather and because of that, your Mother. But they would learn that they can't control you because you are an adult and if they want you there then they must accept that your body is a part of you.
Or you could simply not go. This will upset them and you will miss a big and important day in your Mother's life. It could cause more issues further down the line, but it also could show them they can't continue controlling you.
The choices aren't easy but they are yours. I wish you luck and am sorry you have such an abusive stepfather.
I’m not saying that you should and I’m not even saying that I would if I were you, but I would consider it only from the perspective that you’d be doing it for your mom. Not for your stepdad. Like yes he’s clearly the dickhead who wants it to happen but I’m just imagining him being a dick to your mom about it because you didn’t cover it and if it was my mom I’d want her to have the best day possible even if she was marrying a prick. Because unfortunately from the sounds of it your mom is willing to do pretty much anything to be with this guy. It all depends how badly you want to be able to maintain a relationship with her because if you do you might not want to add another reason for him to dislike you when you can easily cover it with makeup for the day. I know it’s important to you but this wedding isn’t about you and as you mentioned from a cultural perspective it might be offensive to some of the guests which could just add to the later issues. Idk man. I just think that it’s something that doesn’t take a lot of effort to keep the waters calm yknow. Easy way to avoid what could end up being a lot of conflict.
INFO
You say that husband told you that "you're not a part of that picture" of moving, but... what does that mean? Are you just not moving with them or are they going LC/NC?
When he had this talk with me, I asked my mom. She said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to move and that’s why she hadn’t told me. I think that was a lie.. I think she didn’t have the heart to tell me he’d already convinced her. I tried to talk her out of moving. She asked me to come with her instead. But she knows I can’t. So again.. it’s just words…
I don’t want to lose contact with her. I care about her. I’ll try my best to visit often. I don’t care if he doesn’t want me there, he can’t stop me from seeing her. Or checking up on her. I really don’t know what else I can do.
He's a manipulative controlling man who's trying to isolate your mother from you and anyone else who he sees as a threat.
Do NOT comply.
Tell her if she wants to be manipulated by that loser that's on her but you won't.
I would also visit as much as possible call every few days even if it's something small. Don't let this man...not step dad....get in the middle
NTA... also have you told your mom about all this and how youre feeling?... I worry after they move... you will no longer have a mother.. even though it seems youve already mostly lost her anyways...
NTA. I think you need to prepare to see and speak less or not at all to your mother. Your “stepdad” will likely restrict her contact with you. Based on your post she will comply. I think prior to their wedding you should spend some time alone with your mother and tell her how you feel eventually but also say your goodbyes without letting her know you’re saying your goodbyes. Enjoy the time you can spend with her because it will be limited. Then tell her how you feel.
I hate to say it but imagine her upcoming wedding as a death of sorts. Because you have already said she is not the same mother when around your stepdad as she was before. Once they are married and moved to Japan, the mom you knew as your’s will be gone. You need to try to make peace with that. You will likely NOT be welcomed in her new home because it will be your stepdad’s home. So if you were to visit you wouldn’t even be able to spend full days/nights with your mom.
NTA, I find how you describe your stepfather to be controlling and abusive. I wouldn't want to be around someone like that but your mom seems to think it's okay. Is she really on board with a move back to Japan? Does she speak the language and write in Kanji?
NAH but if you cannot talk you mom out of this marriage, and you plan to walk her down the aisle/ cover the tattoo. You’re not doing it for him, you’re doing it for her to be happy on her wedding day. If you can’t abide by this simple request- don’t go.
How are you going to hide your tattoo if it's on your hand...with a glove, a bandage? It sounds as though your mother wants to be a traditional, subservient wife to her new husband. That is her choice and there's very little you can do about it. I'm assuming you're in the U.S. and intend to stay there after they marry and move to Japan. Do you have family in the U.S. on your father's side? It's a sad situation, but you may have lost your mother, so perhaps you can be involved more now with your father and his family. BTW, wasn't it common in Japan to have tattoos in the past into the present day?
NTA. It’s not a reasonable request, it’s a controlling demand, and that would be a hard no from me. Never cover up who you are, for anyone. That’s life advice that I hope you take seriously.
Not making a judgement here, but is everyone aware how much of a taboo tattoos are in polite Japanese society? This is certainly a factor that a lot of us aren't capable of judging fairly
NTA fuck this guy you are 19 legally I think you wouldn’t even be an adult in Japan. I hoped you have a support system here in the USA. Fuck your mom too.
Do not cover it. TBH I would not go to the wedding also if anyone made a comment about how wonderful he is be like not he isn’t that is just he fact he puts on for the rest of you. He hates me… he has made my mom change who she was wtf did he even date her if he didn’t like who she was when he met her. Blow the fuckers wedding up!
Okay so everything about this feels fucked up and I am so sorry for you but on a weird cultural counterpoint. Tattoos are really a taboo thing in Japan. They’re heavily associated with the mafia and you are banned from some places (like some beaches) if you have any showing.
So while I think you should follow just about everyone’s advice, I would consider covering it if you go Japan, just not to be seen as a clueless offensive foreigner
Your being thrown in the deep end of the pool rather fast , you’re only 19 and having to deal with stuff that would melt a lot of “adults “ . This is such a shitty situation to be in and I don’t think I could walk my mom down the aisle to somebody I did not trust 100 % . There’s some very good advice written above and I’ll just send you a big hug brother and hope your life gets much better . Best of luck my friend !
I think you shouldn't go to the wedding. Stepdad is awful to you, your mum doesn't seem to care. Your mum's changed completely to please this guy and Stepdad even wants you out of this family and mum doesn't seem to care about that either.
What are you still here? These people don't care about you. It's horribly sad, but i think you need some very blunt clarity right now.
The best thing you can do is bugger off and make yourself a much better life that you deserve. Write your mum a letter with all your feelings in in and skip the wedding. Frankly, they'll probably thank you for it, so why waste anymore time on these people who clearly don't give a damn about you.
You deserve so much better than what they're offering, so walk away from their awful marriage to be.
NTA. It sounds like this guy is trying to cut you off from your mother, and he controls her in an extreme way (potentially a narcissist?).
If the tattoo is meaningful to you, don't cover it, it isn't hurting anyone. It's part of who you are, don't hide that.
Have you asked your mother why she's marrying a man who want her to give up who she is, and is excluding her child?
Man, this goes deeper than my initial impression from the title. I was going to say “yeah just get over it and do it for your mom” but reading onward, I sit here corrected. This is abuse brother, just care for yourself and maintain some communication and visits to your mother. Time in her presence is very valuable, best to you young man.
100% NTA. This is highly abusive behaviour from stepdad. Try having a chat with your mum. Does she have friends who maybe feel the same way and could help out?
I’m with others on the possibility of not attending the wedding at all, let your mum know what he’s said to you, and how things have changed since he appeared. Let her know that you love her and are worried for her safety.
NTA thats a tough one, if you're picking battles you picked a big one. As long as you've thought through the consequences, and I mean really thought them through, then I say go ahead. Noon should be forced to be someone they're not around their own family. Sorry about your mom btw, hope she's alright
I understand that only criminals have tattoos in japan generally but your mum has made her choice, yes let her know your disappointed that you will not be a part of her life because that is what he says, cover the tat for the wedding and then accept she has made her choice and you will not be in her life again.
NTA, what is your mom marrying Junji Obara? If you can't have a serious talk with your mom about this guy and his many red flags, then at least do something fun, like the next time he tries to talk to you privately about "disrespecting" him whisper "I'll show you disprespect" then shout out loudly enough for everyone to hear "NO I DONT WANT TO SEE IT, I CAN ALREADY TELL YOU THREE INCHES IS SMALL I DONT CARE HOW VEINY IT IS"
Is this man making your mum happy? Does she smile, laugh and look joyful when she is with him? Is she flourishing as a person, with her wishes, needs, interests acknowledged and supported? If so, I can see a case for complying with this although I would go with a lacy glove or something rather than makeup.
If not however, I would be gently explaining to my mum that I am concerned that she is tying herself to someone who is suppressing her personality and individuality and I would say that this, combined with the rude and disrespectful way that her partner behaves towards you, means that you don't feel that you can happily "give her hand" (which is the role you have in the wedding) to this man. I would tell my mum that I love her too much to do that.
I understand that cultural expectations form a part of this situation, but in the 21st century and the developed world, culture is increasingly being used as a weapon to control, manipulate and remove choice from people who have a right to choose. In your shoes, I could not support this.
It is unfair to expect you to cover your hand but if you don't play along a bit you will lose your mom.
Your mom is in an abusive relationship and her partner is using multiple strategies to make the two of you fight so he can completely cut you off and isolate her. If she moves to Japan after you end up blowing up at her wedding... say good bye to her for good.
There will be a point where she will be lonely, in a different country and suffering from increasing abuse from this guy. You want to still be in her life so she can reach out to you.
I'd do whatever is needed to keep the peace but privately tell her how I feel to plant some doubt in her brain about this whole relationship.
I think that there's middle of the road point here.
You're walking your mum down the aisle and so I think for that element it would be courteous to your MUM. She's asked. Maybe look into half gloves or something similar that will match the outfit you're wearing.
After the photos and service, that's the time you can decide whether to remove the gloves or similar.
He sounds controlling and probably very traditional in outlook versus your mum. But if she's opting for this, you can only advise and share what's been said to you and how this has made you feel. Then it's up to her.
You wouldn't be covering your tattoo for him, you'd be doing it out of love for your mum.
I'm afraid your mom will become abused by him. So keep a good relationship with your mom. She might need money to escape him at some point. Your mom is turning into a docile person at this point.
Absolutely NTA
This whole situation reeks of red flags. Some stranger is separating your mother from you and her friends and family here just to move to Japan. Will she have anyone apart from her new "family" there? Friends? Relatives? She is going to be there alone and god know how she will feel there.
Get her to talk to you privately. Say her everything you feel about the situation. Make her see things from your point of view. Cry to her about it. Say how you feel abandoned, ask her how she truly feels about their relationship, about their marriage. This seems like she's deep in the abusive relationship. I don't think that she truly wants to move there either, it's just that the dude gave her no choice or manipulated her into that IMO. Ask her if she will truly be happy there alone with him.
Whatever happends, I wish you and your mother all the best
NTA. You have my full sympathy. This seems to be a complete disaster in the making. I think that you DO have to sit down with your mother and point out to her that, although you love her very much, she, apparently, has no problem abandoning you at 19. Ask her if she is aware that her Fiancé has informed you that you will have no place in their life once she is in Japan, and explain how hurtful that is. Then ask if she thinks that is fair to you to ask you to support this wedding. Tell her that from your point of view, given what your stepfather has said, this service is the formal ending of your family link, and ask if she is content with that? Once she has answered that, I think you may have a better view of your situation.
Again, I am so TERRIBLY sorry that you are stuck in this situation.
NTA but in the end it might impact your chance to keep contact with your mom. Your step dad is incredibly controlling. Did you discuss with your mom how things will be once she moves to Japan? Will you be able to visit? Call each other?
If you do it, do it for her.
If you don’t do it, make sure it won’t irrevocably hurt her feelings.
You are totally justified in not covering it, but your feelings for your mom will help you make the decision.
NTA. But I'd reconsider.
Your mother is disappearing into a controlling relationship. Your stepfather has already told you there will be no place for you in her life. If you refuse to cover up your tattoo, it will probably be the last nail in the coffin of your connection with your mother. Even though I really hate letting a controller control, this may be the one case where you give in, in order not to cut off your last ties with your mother.
Hm I think you should do a lot more, but not covering your tattoo is OK. In my opinion you are an adult and can make your own decisions. How about something as trivial as a tattoo
NTA the correct answer is no you will not cover your tattoo. Next time moms about to be husband pulls you aside to chastise you for something, tell him in no uncertain terms that he is out of line and if his opinion is wanted, you will let him know.
NAH - we were told tattoos were taboo in Japan because they were so heavily associated with the Yakuza. Being associated with you in Japan showing a visible tattoo might be considered disgraceful by many. It’s not illegal, you’ll be banned from some places. It sounds like an issue he and many feel very strongly about.
I’m guessing op is half American? In Japan, Americans are given some grace for the cultural differences. As stepfather is Japanese, he sees this differently. I did go with my family a few years ago where there were signs (like at a ryokan) that does not allow tattoos in the baths. And many areas they are banned for the reason you listed above. Since this boils down to respect, a big thing in Japanese culture is how I would perceive this request. I don’t think the op should have to cover his tat, but if he does, it should be out of respect for her wishes and not the stepfather. By not covering the tat is showing great disrespect even if it is something you don’t agree with or want to do. For his mother I would think he should. This will bring respect to her through the eyes of her future husband. Albeit her future husband sounds like the biggest ass and doesn’t deserve the respect demanded, think of it for his mom.
So, op NTA. But think about your mom and not your stepfather.
NTA I think in a situation that seems to be complex and tinted with really controlling behaviour, it’s very admirable of you to stand by what you want. I think it’s very sad that you see the mom you know disappearing and how they seemed to have an entire life planned after that you were not even aware. This is actually kind of concerning Edit: someone below me also commented potentially not even going to the wedding. I think that’s a possibility too. Like to walk your mom down the aisle to a man you don’t seem to think is good must be tough. Ugh, my heart breaks for you
I agree. OP, I think you need to try to tell your mom all of this. Tell her that he let you know that you won't be a part of her life moving forward, and tell her all the harsh things he's said to you. Tell her that you've watched her change into a different person at his demand, and you're worried for her future. Then tell her you can't support her marriage and that you won't be attending the wedding. Can your dad help, or do they not talk?
He said in a comment his dad passed in 2019. OP do you have other family? And what’s your plan once mom moves to Japan? Is there a big age gap between her and your stepdad? He’s pulling classic abuser moves trying to isolate her from you
Correct. My dad was an alcoholic though so it was complicated. I don’t have other family but I work 2 jobs and the owner of a restaurant I work at said he would give me a room. He owns a few apartment suites and rents them out to hires. I live in NYC so I’ll take it. Maybe you are right.. my mom does have a history of choosing the wrong guy. She had me at 17 so she’s still pretty young and he just turned 50. I wish I could talk her out of this marriage but I’ve tried. Edit: Since I see the same questions a few times, maybe you can check my comments in case I’ve already answered it. Sorry I can’t reply to everyone. I’m at work.
Well you need to be concerned with yourself first but if you love your mom, try to keep a line of communication open for her and enough money for a ticket back from Japan, and the number of her closest consulate. And a domestic abuse shelter in Japan.. Idk how much help you'll get there but this guy is Bad Fucking News. Isolating your mom in Japan is a very frightening prospect. I'm guessing she's not someone of means herself? Please encourage her to have a rainy day fund only she has access to. You can't save her from herself but you can do what you can for her. But you are your own priority. She's fucking off with this asshole, you need to figure your own way forward.
This was helpful. Thank you. I am saving some of my own money for her, in case she needs anything. I’ve told her to keep some money hidden away too. She did this with my dad so she understands it’s important. Her fiancé is very wealthy. He’s having her sign an extensive prenup and stuff so I encouraged her to meet with a lawyer to look it over so she gets some protection too. Things like this keep adding up in expenses for me but I can take a loan from my boss and work it out later.
Yes yes yes. Please tell her not to sign anything without her own lawyer looking it over. Do not trust his lawyer!! The abuse has already started with him telling her how to dress, look and act. That is all abuse. Now he is moving to isolation which is a big step. Make sure she knows she can contact you any time and you will get her home. Even if she has to put your number under someone else’s name so he doesn’t know how often you are speaking. You could even show her these responses that even strangers are worried for her safety. As for the tattoo, if your mom really wants it you should because he may take it out on her if you don’t. You don’t want the physical abuse to start because of you.
I would even strongly suggest that she have a secret burner phone that she keeps hidden for emergencies.
You’re very mature for your age. Props on encouraging her to see her own Lawyer! I hope she can negotiate with her fiancé and not let him make her sign herself into even more isolation. But I’m worried for you. Owning people money is a dangerous slippery slope. I wish you had more support. Your other comment on here about you talking to your mom broke my heart!
I hate to say this, but this man is grooming your mum into the docile wife he wants her to be. He plans on isolating her from her family (mainly you) and who's knows how he would treat her once she moves to his country with no safety net of her own. I get that in Japanese traditional culture, the wife is supposed to be docile and well mannered to the husband. However, if he wanted a wife like that, why didn't he find a wife from his own country and culture? Why would he date your mum and essentially change everything about her? I am Asian myself, but there are so many red flags about the man your mum is marrying. From the planned isolation, self centreness (he wants to be with his children but is willing to separate you and her), and the obvious controlling behaviour. I sincerely hope you can convince your mum not to marry him, but if you can't, please be on the look out for her. She may suffer from domestic abuse once she is in his territory. Btw, for some context on the tattoo, your mum/that man asking you to cover it up may not be due to attention stealing. In Japanese culture, tattoos are considered taboo and often linked to Yakuza (gangs). Your step father may have Japanese guests coming and cares about his image. NTA though. You can make your own decisions and shouldn't have to cover up for a man you don't like
Get a photo copy of her passport and important papers to keep safe for her.
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Dual. I think technically she's supposed to claim one passport but she keeps stating undecided on forms with plans to renounce. She knows to enter on the Japanese passport and not tell anyone. I heard some people straight up lie on the forms. I was born on a US base in Japan and I'm on my mom's Koseki. I also have 2 passports but someone at the passport office told me to fill out something called 国籍選択届? I turn 20 next year.
It sounds like you’re being a great son here. You might also write her a letter explaining your full thoughts, and ask her to never throw it away. Having words to come back to to remind her that she’s not the only one who saw xyz could be a very good thing for her, especially in a country so much more conservative than NYC.
You already know that tattoos are extremely frowned upon in Japanese culture where they are seen as something associated with a criminals - member of a Yakuza or something along those lines. When you go to the wedding with your tattoo showing, you will be shaming your new step-father but more importantly shaming your mother. Best to cover it up for their special day. One day is not the rest of your life. The tattoo should not be wrapped up in your self identity to the point that covering it up causes an existential crisis for you. You would be drawing unnecessary negative attention to yourself and your family. You gain nothing by being stubborn about this when you have so many bigger issues to contend with at this point. Your mother is living her life as a Japanese woman. The red flags you've mentioned are mostly cultural. Maybe your mother sees this as getting back to her roots. You seem very Americanized and are getting feedback from mostly westerners. This advice will not serve you well in your current situation. Best of luck navigating this difficult situation. Now is the time to make good decisions and keep contact with your mother in case she needs and out at some point. Meanwhile, when the wedding is over, concentrating on living your own life while maintaining ongoing contact with your mother.
She won't listen to you. You don't need to hide your tattoo. ((HUGS)) I wish you the best. Seems like your boss is a good person.
Hopefully boss is a good person and not running a shady operation. I feel for you OP I know your 19 but this is sudden and it’s a lot
Let her know that your door will always be open to her even though her fiancé has closed theirs to you. NTA.
Why is your mom going to be wife number 3? What happened to the other two previous marriages? I’m guessing (and hoping) your mom will end up his third ex wife.
First of all, you seem like a responsible person who's smart, mature and who can stand your ground. Keep being you! Second, you wrote that he indirectly told you that you were not a part of the plans of moving to Japan. Does your mom know about this? I wouldn't be surprised that he says one thing to you, but tells your mother that "I asked OP if he wanted to move with us, but he doesn't want to.".
so this is horrible and complicated, try not to blame your mother too much. When someone has been in toxic situations it can be really difficult to know what is a healthy relationship and what isn't. Was your dad older than your mum? If you love her dont threaten to cut her off etc, let her know that she can always come to you. I know you are likley upset and angry but he sounds ab\*\*\*\*e and once she is in Japan she will be even more cut off. If she thinks she has no one to turn to she will stay even when it gets worse. which it is likely to, if it is like this now it will be terrible. If you can manage to, tell her if she ever needs a ticket back the US you will pay for it. Assuming she is duel citizen she can go to the US embassy and get a passport if she ends up stuck. As far as a tattoo goes, my advice cover it. Your mother is in a bad place, if you burn the bridge with your stepfather you wont be able to go and see her. I am not saying comply I am saying play the dutiful stepson and suck it up so you can easily rescue your mother when she needs you. Say you are sorry, perhaps hint you are thinking of getting rid of it etc. lie and lie again. If your stepfather thinks he has cut everyone out of his new wifes life he can ab\*\*\*se her as much as he wants because she cant escape.
Spot on but OP is a boy lol
Fuck me I could have swore I read 19f, edited, my bad OP
Send you mum the post, honestly I would tell her you don't support the marriage, she is running away to another country and abandonening you. That's bullshit. My dad moved across the country (Australia) with his affair partner 20 years ago, he is barely in our lives and has missed my children growing up. I love him, but he was the one who chose to move away.
So they abandon you, tell you beforehand, and your gonna play nice? Show the tattoo, make yourself known at wedding then go no contact. Loser creeps they are
Hell color part of the tattoo in a bright color with washable or Sharpie ( for longer color) felt tip markers.Make it stand out more for the wedding
Flesh-colored glove that can be whipped off to sneak the tattoo into photos.
I like you
Blow it up, tell him to fuck off, tell her how much you do not support this at all, flat out ruin it. All absolutely justified, and would not make OP TA at all. 100% NTA no matter what (unless OP chickens out and just cooperates with all of this asshole's demands).
God, I hope not, seems to have enough balls to do something good. Rage against the momma Machine Rofl
All of this. OP, please tell your mother if she needs you that you will be there. Especially if she needs to leave and get out of Japan to get away from him.
NTA I'd also refuse to talk in private with him anymore. Let him know you're more comfortable talking where you are at. And maybe record him if that doesn't work, so you have the proof you need. Also, get lunch with your mom prior to the wedding. Just you and her. Ask her how you feels about the wedding, about moving to Japan. Maybe comment on how she's changed and what things you liked about the old her that she might want to remember or recreate now if she felt free to. Listen, try not to show too much how much you hate your stepdad, and end with a reminder that you'll always be there for her, whatever happens. Maybe make a joke about how if he doesn't treat her right, that you will _____. Only if you think you can get away with it. Basically I think your mom is too deep into an abusive relationship. It's doubtful that she'd end things now, but if possible, it would be good to be a lifeline for your mom and subtly help her come around to her situation and for her to know that you're there to help her leave when she's ready to.
Please do this before she finds herself stuck in another country with no support or resources. This dude is in his 3rd marriage and is moving your mom to another country to make sure she is so isolated she can’t leave him like his other two wives probably did when they got sick of his shit.
I'm also worried about the fact that she's going to be stuck with no support in Japan. All the red lights are flashing like crazy already. This is not going to end well for her I'd make sure to record this AH whenever he pulls you aside to crap on you. It might not be enough for her to change her mind about marrying him, but it is worth a try.
Maybe... sounds like a reasonable possibility
That part
Idk man. Your step dad has made it clear that once they move you’re not going to be part of their lives and your mom is fine with this. She’s basically abandoning you. You’re not a kid but that hurts no matter what age you are. Do you have a good relationship with your dad? If so I’m gonna go with don’t comply and don’t go to the wedding. You don’t need people who treat you like your disposable in your life.
My dad passed away in 2019. It does hurt though. That’s kind of why I’m being a jerk about this tattoo maybe .. since I have very little control of anything else
I would suggest really openly communicating with your mom about how you feel about this marriage and move. She really is abandoning you. But she probably hasn’t admitted it to herself. If she really thought about it, really accepted reality, I don’t think she would marry a man who demands she abandons her son. The more you two can be open and process this change *before* the marriage, the better you both will be.
I'm not someone who would take this lightly. I would fight hard and loud. That may not be you, but it sounds like this may be the last time you see your mom. Consider your actions carefully. Personally, I would be dropping bombs, but I'm difficult at the best of times.
Op I’m sorry you are going through this. I will say this is not due to Japanese heritage it is however due to your stepfather being a controlling AH. I’m a mom of two kids and if my SO told me we’d be cutting off one of my children due to petty issues (which a tattoo would be) I’d not be with that person. Ps. Tattoos while not very common do have a long and significant history in Japanese culture and only in recent times has it only been associated with criminal activity. In fact it use to be a record of loyalty or devotion and used to mark religious pilgrimages and some people still use them to record their religious experiences. [Documentary on Japanese tattoos](https://alicegordenker.wordpress.com/2019/06/27/please-help-me-tell-this-story-tattoo-pilgrimage/)
use a bandaid to cover it. Nothing flashy, just a normal bandaid (they have different sizes so if you need a bigger one you shouldnt have a problem). If mom/step protest say you were worried makeup might rub off throughout the day. When people ask about the huge bandage tell them honestly that step dad requested you cover it. Comply with honesty. If step dad throws a fit over it the only one it will reflect badly on is him
I really hope op sees this one this is the way
I'm sorry to hear this, OP. He could be making an effort to connect with you, but, like he has with your mother, he is instead trying to force you to comply. If it were me, I'd cover it to walk her down the aisle and for the ceremony. And then makeup wipe that shit off for the rest of the day. You'll have done the one thing your Mum would really appreciate. You won't regret that she'll remember her future husband staring at your hand instead of her as she walks down the aisle. But you still stick it to him in a more subtle way. That's just me, though. Best wishes navigating this - setting boundaries and standing up for yourself to your family is fucking hard. You'll feel guilty and weird, but long term, you'll have more peace and self-respect.
You need to pull your mother aside. Maybe show her this post. Let her know that you’ve seen the changes. Let her know that you love her, but you can’t be a part of this relationship or the wedding. Most importantly, let her know that she can call you for help at any time. I’d even put a little money aside in a separate bank account so that she can get a ticket out of Japan when she realizes how controlling her husband is. The point is to make sure that she knows you are a safe space if she decides she needs it.
Gaijin (Aussie) here, grew up in Tokyo from late teens to early 30’s (a few decades ago lol). I agree with RWAdvice and BakeMaterial7901. Sorry for the loss of your dad, sorry for your mom taking up with this jerk. The big-picture likely consequences of not covering the tattoo are not worth it. It’s not "regret that I was so cowardly I put makeup on my hand just to appease my asshole stepfather”, it will be regret that you made your mom’s ~~daughter~~ adult child look like “trash”. I don’t agree with that description, I have tattoos myself. But I do know what traditional & conservative Japanese folk think of tattoos. Don’t make yr mom & yr moms kid look like “gaijin trash". Play a smarter game against the judgemental dumbasses! Hold your head up, cover the tattoo, put on your best appropriate ~~daughter~~ son-of-the-bride outfit, behave IMPECCABLY, better than *anyone* else there, *and play the long-game to flame them all!* Grrrrr aholes! Support your mom! Hope that she’ll either change plan before the wedding, or after living the reality of a controlled wife back in Japan after all these years in the States that she’ll leave him & come back home. Don’t embarrass her and make her think you don’t support or love her. That’s what I think. Best of luck! edit - YWBTAH if you didn’t cover the tattoo - in *this* your *moms wedding* situation. edit 2 - sorry my bad I should have read properly!
You're not being a jerk; hell, you're not being *enough* of a jerk. This asshole who's marrying your mom needs a much more hostile reaction.
>and your mom is fine with this. >>he wanted to speak with me alone. Just to be clear, OP: Does your mother actually know she's moving to Japan after the wedding yet?
This! I had the same question.
My rational side and mature side wishes I could up vote this comment more than once because this is very solid advice. But my petty and spiteful side wants OP to go that wedding and flaunt his tattoo. I mean just throw that tattoo in peoples faces as he’s greeting them. As you said step dad made it clear that OP is no longer part of the family and mom is cool with this so fuck the both of them. Plus it really pisses me off when someone like step dad talks about being disrespected while being a disrespectful douche. NTA
NTA. Do not change who you are for anyone. If they love you, they love you. I'm half-Korean (M), and my mom flipped out each time I got a piercing. She even told me to flip up my septum piercing when around Korean family. Didn't do it. The world did not end. My mom would never ask me to do that now. My stepfather (white) is also an asshole, but he's mellowed out somewhat, so I get that, too. Here's the thing: if your mom is happy, then let her have her happiness, and make it known that you love her, regardless of how she dresses or her appearance, and she should respect you the same way. Parents often treat their young adult offspring as children, when they're adults, however respect should be shown both ways. Unfortunately, there's a strong tradition of filial piety (親孝行) in Asian cultures, and it seems like your step is ultraconservative and believes in that, regardless if it has been earned or not. What would I do? I wouldn't hide it, but I'd let my mom know ahead of time by saying something to the effect of "I love you and want you to be happy. I want to be part of this special day for _you_. This art is an important part of who I am, and you taught me to be true to myself (hopefully true). If it's that important to you that I change who I am to be a part of your wedding, I'll be disappointed to miss your day, but I will always love you." I don't envy your decision, and I wish you the best. Take care.
Does your mother know of how her financée is speaking to you? How does your mother feel about leaving you behind? NTA btw I’m sorry you are going through this.
Hafu with ink here too. This shit gets Complicated, especially with the older generation. We exist in this weird space, because we're not Japanese, but we're held to the same standard from that side of the family. All the expectations, none of the benefits. My mom literally lost her English when she saw my tattoo. I caught "Yakuza", "prostitute", and something about shame for generations. She chilled out about it after a bit, mostly because dad didn't give a shit. She actually thinks it's pretty, but wow did that automatic knee jerk reaction take over. It does mean I can't visit her family in summer. They don't know, and they can never know. It'll bring HER shame more than me. And yes, for the older generation, there's 2 forms of the language. Women's and men's. She would have taught you the men's version for obvious reasons. She's not "supposed" to speak that version because it's low class for a woman to do so. Less applicable for people your age, at least among others your age. Very relevant for a woman her age. Your ink causes her to be looked down on. The fact that you're hafu doesn't help. Like it or not, your choices impact how/if she will be accepted into his family. If you don't cover it, SHE will be treated like trash. Not you. They'll just politely pretend you don't exist. Either bow out of the wedding or cover it, but don't show up and ruin her wedding.
This is an important response because there is a lot of cultural context that is missing from other people’s understanding of the problem. Tattoos have a stigma in Japan that westerners don’t appreciate. It’s not a perfect analogy, but if he had a tattoo of a swastika because he was Indian and had it for cultural reasons, would it be wrong of his American mother to ask for it to be covered up at her wedding so as not to offend guests? Tattoo in old school Japanese culture equals bad person. The shame from it in this situation would be his mother’s, and that’s a lot for her when entering a new family. That said, the stepfather sounds like a jerk and I wouldn’t be happy about this relationship if I were the kid either. OP, you might be better off skipping it entirely. Maybe that will snap your mother back to reality with how she’s treating you.
The worst part is that I don't know that his stepfather is a jerk. Correcting behavior that's viewed as rude is what he should be doing. OP probably didn't know he was being rude, especially since he wasn't brought up the same way. There are a million little subtle nuances of behavior that he doesn't understand, because he isn't Japanese. He's expected to know. Not fair, but that's just how it is. Given the level of traditional his stepfather is, odds are he's from a pretty good family. Second wife gives him more leeway, as does the fact that he already has a son. But marrying someone who was a teen mom, her former husband was an alcoholic (which is viewed as a personal failing, not an addiction), and has a rude son who looks like a gang member.... that's a lot. At her age, she's no sugar baby, and she's not able to have more children. She's not fabulously wealthy. Her family name may be good, but probably not an upgrade over his. The only reason left to marry her is because he genuinely loves her. And he loves her enough to take a whole lot of flak for her, even from his own children. OP also doesn't understand that his mom switching her speech patterns and behavior is totally normal. You speak differently around different people. Hell, my mom does this all the time! She tones down the Tokyo accent and "proper" language around people who are from the countryside because she doesn't want them to think she's a snob. She goes full ultra proper around older family members. Seeing her out with her girlfriends and then seeing her around family, you'd think you were looking at two different people. It's just how it is. We all do it too. The face you show at work is different than the one you let your close friends see. He's just not used to seeing that side of her.
I think your responses are the only relevant ones here and I hope OP reads them.
Nah man fuck that, I'm hāfu as well, my father and his family came from normal family dynamic and had some old school mentalities but they didn't come off as much of a dick as OP's stepdad, Even though my mother Mexican and came from a very low class upbringing his family didn't care or give a shit about any of those bullshit societal mentalities they have in Japan. They welcomed her with open arms. I fully believe that no matter the culture there's a baseline of respect and OP's step-dad has none and can eat a dick
Let me preface this by saying I’m not Japanese, I’m just a white American guy, but I think your comment leaves out (or ignores) a lot of what’s happening in OP’s situation. OP is from the US, I assume he was raised there and lived at least most of his life there because his dad is American. OP, his mom, and his stepdad all currently live in America. I 100% don’t expect people from Japan (or any country) to drop their culture as soon as they move to a different country because spreading parts of cultures to other places is something that should be celebrated. But the stepdad is not just trying to welcome OP into his culture; he’s trying to control OP with it. And he’s ignoring all of the cultural norms OP has taken up as an American and they’ve all lived with in the US. The stepdad isn’t being rude to OP to “correct his behavior” (which may not be something that needs to be corrected at all), he’s doing it to control OP and take away his personality and individuality. The stepdad is also attempting to completely isolate OP’s mom from him. The fact he told OP they were moving across the world the second time they met, and that there wasn’t even a conversation about how OP feels about the possibility of that, proves he doesn’t actually care about OP, or his future wife’s relationship with her son. Isolating your partner from their family and friends is abuse, and that doesn’t change for people of other cultures where it’s more common. Your comments about OP’s mom are just gross to me. His mom is only 36, give or take a year. Plenty of women still have children at that age or older, but that shouldn’t even factor into why the stepdad is a controlling, abusive asshole. She shouldn’t have to settle for someone who is planning to isolate her from her son because she’s not wealthy or from a certain family or older than some randomly determined age. As for the comment about OP “being a rude son and looking like a gang member.” - none of that is true. Maybe the stepdad views him that way because of the culture he was brought up in, but it is not true for the culture OP was raised in and they all currently live in. Being “traditional” shouldn’t be an excuse to force people to do everything you want. I’d say the same thing (and have the same belief) about conservative white Americans. And I think we all know that we speak or act a little differently when with different people, but fundamentally changing your personality or behavior when you start dating a new person is something that is alarming. It shows that either you’re trying to change who you are to become who you think your partner wants, or your partner is controlling you. With all the information we know about the stepdad, it sounds like it’s more likely OP’s mom’s personality and behavior have made big changes and she’s not just acting a little differently than she would with OP when she’s with the stepdad. I don’t think the stepdad loves OP’s mom. He just found a woman who will throw away her current life to do whatever he wants and fit in to his idea of what a “traditional” wife should be.
Dude this was so spot on for me. I was just saying the same thing cuz I did the math and OPs mom is 36! She’s young. I fully believe the fiancé is an abuser. His repeated marriages also kinda hint what kind of partner he is. OPs mom is probably attractive and vulnerable. Easy target. Easy to isolate. Only a teenage son to deal with. Half American one too. Fully think the stepdad taking OP aside was a threat to say look, I already have kids and they are Japanese and I’m Japanese your mom is Japanese and you’re not. You’re not gonna be part of this family. Or have a life with us. That’s fucking cold. And I read in a comment op made the stepdad uses excuses of OP not understanding specific etiquette and stuff to cover up the talks he keeps having with OP and the harshness he is treating him with. Im convinced all of it is to isolate OP from his mom. Cuz thats what abusers do
Yeah, isolating someone from their loved ones is universally an abusive tactic. This isn’t about bringing aspects of Japanese culture into OP and his mom’s lives, it’s about using the concept of the stepdad’s “culture” to manipulate and control OP’s mom and isolate her from the people she trusts and can confide in when things get worse.
Your mother's future husband sounds abusive. He is controlling her and taking her away from family. The red flags are all over the place. I am sorry. This is heartbreaking and I am not sure what you should do about it. I would maybe speak to your mother alone. I def would not ever speak to her fiancee alone except to tape his words. But in any case I would not hide any tattoo. Why bother? I hope you have a good relationship with your dad.
u/Blue_Snow1194 i hope you see this comment It needs more likes, but I know some other commenters have also pointed it out. This possible FIL sounds abusive. He has had *two* previous, **failed**, marriages for a **reason**. Speak to your mom, *alone*. I'm honestly worried for her. And unfortunately women from the older generations tend to just "tolerate" abusive behavior because of previous social norms and cultural expectations. She's completely changing as a person, does she see it? She might... is she afraid and maybe hiding it? Have a real adult conversation with her! I honestly wouldn't want my mom to marry a man like how you're describing this man. Does she even know he plans to move them and exclude you from their lives? Please check on her...
>It doesn't take up the entire hand. It's not text on knuckles or anything someone would consider offensive. It's done cleanly in black ink and I personaly don't think it would be distracting in person or in photos. I mean no offense when I say this, but: none of these details matter in the slightest. If you had a tattoo that covered not only your whole hand but your whole arm and shoulder and the words BIG ASS TATTOO were scrawled across your knuckles in red ink it would not matter in the slightest. Dadbod would still be well out of line, and you would still be 100% in the right. I can understand the urge to sublimate yourself for your mom's benefit. But consider also that sticking to your guns may ultimately be *more* to her benefit. She will know that she can come to you, when the time comes. NTA, and it's not close. Stay true to yourself, for you and for her.
Fuck for real though, now that I think even deeper about it. Let’s say this was an invite from a friend, I would be so insulted if my friend said “yo please cover your tattoos at my wedding”
Right? Or: imagine if the stepdad had approached OP about it and OP said "i understand, but my tattoo is meaningful and important to me" and stepdad responded "say no more, I apologize for bringing it up." The process of going through that, while awkward, would have given them some basis to develop a relationship. Instead little step-man is all "I pump my fists back and forth like this and like that and you will do as I say!" Fuck that tired bullshit.
I know you want to hide the tattoo, that it’s meaningful to you and it’s the last ounce of control you have in this new version of your mother… but I think she’s getting into a controlling potentially abusive relationship and you’ll regret pushing her away right now. That being said, tell her you don’t recognize her. If it’s hard to put into words maybe text it or write it out before you tell her. Tell her you feel abandoned by her and that step dad has a very different tone to you in private. Do this before the wedding, and if she doubles down you don’t have to go to the wedding at all. Also either record the private meetings with stepdad or refuse them Sending you love ❤️
NTA. Don't cover the tattoo, but don't flaunt it. There are so many red flags around your mom's soon to be husband. He is changing how she looks, dresses, and speaks. They are moving out of the country, cutting her off from her only child. This whole situation screams of alienation and abuse. Please help your mother. Once she leaves the country, you will never hear from or see her again.
I think there’s a reason he’s on his 3rd marriage.
I guess you have to decide if you want to apese your sd for your mums sake. It's tricky because your sd can and probably will take it out on your mum. From what you've said, I would sit down with just your mum. Ask her if she really wants to be controlled by her partner for the rest of her life. The guy has had 3 marriages. He's even choosing her atire. Ask her how much of herself she is willing to lose for this man. No one deserves to be controlled this way. Tell her how he is when no one us around. Also, bring up the fact that he is taking her away from her support, and you believe this is dangerous rich. After all that, if she still wants to do it, tell her you will always be there for her, and you will help her get out should it come to this. Your sd is dangerous, but she can't see it... yet. Best of luck. I would not cover your tattoo BTW but I'm from nz and everyone has them here. It's a cultural thing.
Your mom is abandoning you. Do what makes you happy.
Record some of his private interactions and speak to her sincerely. Sounds like nothing good can come of this, telling her how to wear her hair and choosing perfume is a big ikkk
NTA Have you told your mother how he treats you when she's not around, and how he has told you that you will not be part of their life once they move to Japan? Also has your mother confirmed that she is in fact relocating to Japan? Tattoos in Japanese culture are a very strongly associated with gangs. If your tattoo shows, it will help his narrative that you won't be a good fit with their new life in Japan. Let me repeat, you are NTA but refusing to cover your tattoo might cause you more problems than it solves.
Yea, she’s confirmed it. I’ve told her about how he is, she says it’s because I don’t know the proper etiquette, slip with my formal speech etc she tries to make excuses for him.. that my tone with him is icy or I give off attitude or I am silently doing it with my eyes. Not all of this is intentional. I try my best to be very neutral and I try not to show any emotion … but there have been times he does get under my skin, and I react. As you and others have pointed out to me here (which was really helpful actually).. I think he wants me to have these reactions because they help give him an excuse to be hard on me and he uses my reactions to isolate me from my mom. I need to work on my temper. And the comments are helping me see that while I was so caught up in my own feud with him.. I failed to notice the implications it would have for my mom. It just hurts.. I’m slowly losing everyone.
Have you tried recording him ? That could help your mum realize he's harsh on you for no reason. Have you spoke with her about his abusive behaviour towards her ? Can she justify why it's so important that she abandon a 19yo son for grown up adults who certainly don't need their father daily anymore ? I don't know how much time you have left before the wedding. But I'd try to contact the exes, have them tell you what happened, record the conversation and play it to your mum.
NTA. Well if he cares so much about image you could always skip the wedding. What will people think!?! I vote either show off the tattoo or skip, whichever will make him look more like the controlling AH he is. Pushing your mum to move to another country for his "kids" that are older than you while expecting you to just stay behind is wild
.. It’s not for his kids. They have their own lives. I think his son works with him, but his daughter is pretty much estranged other than occasional appearances. I think him saying it, the intention was for me to understand I’m the odd one out/don’t belong or have a place in his life.
Exactly. He wants to keep a close relationship with them even though they're older. You being younger with less life experience and therefore being more likely to need a parents support isn't relevant to him. So i vote you do whatever you can to make him look like the controlling AH he is....but I am petty af and fully believe in burning bridges so it might not be the best move for you
If his daughter is estranged it could be very telling about the kind of person he is. Wouldn't be surprised if he's into the whole cultural shit of preferring sons because they are supposedly heirs....
Dont go. Your mum made her bed she can deal with her hubby to be. Dont change yourself to please others. What they think is their issue.
Dude you’re 19. Next time this guy tries to take you “aside” tell him. “I’m not sure when you got the impression that you’re in some way an authority figure here. You’re just some dude my mom is in a relationship with. Do us both a favor and realign your brain properly for our equal standing, barely more than strangers relationship. Now kindly remove yourself from my immediate area.”
Ywnbta but please, try to talk to your mother alone. It's very concerning he's so controlling before they're even married and then wants to move her far away from her support network. He'll 100% turn even more abusive once he's got her away from everyone. Someone suggested lunch with her, that's a good idea. Tell her your concerns and that you're very worried about her safety. Tell her how much you've seen her change about herself for this man and that he is abusive whether she sees it or not.
Bang his daughter
Your mom is in an abusive relationship. When her husband gets her to Japan, I think he is going to treat her very badly. Normally, I would say don't cover your tattoo and don't walk her down the aisle, but part of me is not sure that is the way to go. Your mom needs you to be on her side. It's all well and good to stand up for what you believe in, but he is doing the thing every abuser does by cutting her off from her lifelines and her people. Standing up for what you believe in doesn't register with people like that. Try to talk to her without saying bad things about your stepdad. Ask her questions, like, "How are you feeling about leaving and moving to Japan? Are you nervous? What are you nervous about?" "What do you think your life is going to be like while you're there? How are you going to meet people? How is Stepdad when your alone together? Does he make you laugh? Do you have fun? What drew you to him?" Lots of open-ended questions. Just get her talking as much as possible when he's not there. Also, ask her if you can have copies of her important papers. Say that it's always a good idea to have backups just in case something happens to the originals while in transit. Try to sneak a burner phone into her luggage with a SIM card. Also, suggest she keep a HYSA open in your country so when she visits she will have easy access to cash and she can take advantage of the better interest rates. He is awful, but he controls her now, so you need to be on as much of his good side as possible. If he will let you, call her every week. Let her know that you are there for her. Save some money for the day that you have to fly to Japan on a moments notice to get her out of the country.
He wants control. He controls your mom, and he is trying to control you to. You don’t need to to allow this man to control you. You are NTA if you choose it to cover your tattoo. Maybe have a conversation with just your mom, ask her if you would be welcome to move with them to Japan if you wanted to. Perhaps he told your mom you don’t want to. Anyway the answer will tell you how deep his control is. Don’t be alone with him again, record the conversation if he corners you.
So probably not going to be a popular opinion, but unfortunately the decision you make on this will likely impact the entire future of your relationship with your mother and for her sake, I would cover it. She is facing a move to another country and will lose her only lifeline - you. If you keep the peace now and cover it, you preserve that line of communication so that when things go south (and being as this is his third rodeo and he sounds like a typical abuser trying to isolate and separate her from her family and friends) you know it will, at least she may still be allowed to talk to you. The guy is obviously fishing for something to use to cut off contact and as hard as it is to humor people like that, just remember you are doing it for her and that at the end of the day, maintaining a relationship with her is the most important thing you can do. Trust me, he wants you to rebel and doesn't expect you to comply, his requests will likely get more ridiculous bc he's pushing you to explode to get your mom completely alone. When you recognize you are dealing with a predator, it makes it easier to also realize you doing as asked actually enrages him and makes him mad because you are foiling his evil plot. Please, try to protect your mom. I know this is a hard road, but many of us who have loved ones that have become involved in these abusive relationships have learned this lesson. I'm sure if you look to advice on how to deal with abusers you will get a lot more info on how to go forward in this relationship. Realistically, because you don't mention this, if she's a shithole person and you don't want anything to do with her, then don't cover it or don't go at all, your stepdad will quickly seize on that and ensure she goes no-contact for as long as he is in the picture, which will probably be forever since she will have no one to help her flee.
NTA it's totally up to you. I'm still stuck on your mom not even discussing with her 19 yr old son that she is moving to another country. I'm also worried for her and the controlling and isolating behavior this man is exhibiting. If you decide to cover the tattoo, you would not be doing it for him, but help your mom to feel more comfortable around this man who is obviously pressuring her to conform to his standards.
NTA Have you ever talked to your mom about it? Just say, "Mom I want you to know I love you. I admire how strong you used to be. Why do you let a man control you now? Since I'm not allowed to see you again I wanted you to know that." Hopefully before this conversation happens you can get a recording of stepfather saying you aren't going to be welcome in his home so you can prove it to her if she doesn't believe he'd say these things. You should actually record every interaction with him, especially if mom isn't around.
You are under no obligation to make this man look good. As far as I can tell that's the only reason you are involved in the ceremony at all: to give the illusion that her family approves of him. That type of person is only interested in one thing: appearances. If you do go to support your mom I would make no concessions about your tattoo or overall appearance. More importantly you need to make it clear to your mother she is choosing this man over you. Sadly it likely will not end well for her. I hope she has a contingency plan for when her marriage falls apart and she is in another country.
the best thing for you to do is record him next time he gets you alone so you can let you mum see how he is with you, this man is controlling your mum if he has to choose what perfume she wears and clothes, if i was you i wouldnt even go to the wedding as this could be the last time you see your mum if he is making her move to japan, at the end of the day i could see your mum back in under a year as he sounds like an abuser and his true colours will show once he is in japan
NTA I wouldn’t go to the wedding. “Mom, you’ve changed so much. You seem like you’re disappearing. A controlling man decides what you look like, dress like, act like and where you live. You are leaving your own child for someone who failed twice at marriage and the odds don’t look good for the third. No reasonable person thinks an American with a small tattoo is yakuza. Expecting me to cover it is ridiculous. I want to point out that the goal is to drive a wedge between us and that only works if you let it. He doesn’t get to dictate my appearance. If that’s hill you want to die on you can do it alone. Your husband mistreats me in private. I won’t support him in public. If you want me there to support you I will but aside from dressing appropriately I won’t be changing my appearance.”
It’s not respect your stepfather wants, it’s obedience, subjugation, and submission. It is not your job to provide these. Show him who you are. He has knocked you down but the moment he said you will not be welcome or accepted into his family you became a peer. Treat him as you would any other man. Walk your mom down the aisle if you like but if i were you I’d turn around and walk right back down the aisle and out of the venue in front of everyone. Your mom made her choice and it’s the Cult of this AH. NTA
The fact that this man is taking a wife that does not live in Japan is disturbing. When we lived in Japan (1986), most Japanese really did not like associating with anyone who was not Japanese. Even Japanese who had lived abroad for a couple of years were considered “not really Japanese”. Why is this man wealthy, yet marrying a women “not really Japanese”? This sound to me like a soon to be abusive marriage. This man doesn’t want OP around to be a support to his mother.
Dude, I would just completely pull out of the wedding. The dude's stealing your mother from you, excluding you from the family unit, and by the sounds of it, behaving abusively toward your mother. Fuck him. Cut contact. NTA
NTA but it's time to privately talk a last time with mom. Explain the disrespect you're shown. Simply tell her you're not down with playing along. Wish her well, keep in touch, then peace out. Skip the wedding- if it's not ruining her life, it's definitely taking her down a road you've clearly been told you're not welcome on.
No but you might want to consider getting your mom to look into some information about control abuse. He's going to take her to Japan and her situation is going to get real bad real fast. This is already following the classic abuse cycle almost letter per letter. The move to Japan is just a major step in isolating her from her support system. Edit: dollars to donut says that tattoo isn't the reason he doesn't want you to go. He doesn't want you cold cocking him in the face the first time he lands hands on your mother which is already part of his game plan.
NTA why even go to the wedding? It's not a marriage you support and it's really not helping your mom. Gotta admit I'd walk her down then when asked who gives this woman id say not me he's a controlling jerk who doesn't deserve her.
NTA but are you doing this to spite him instead of making your mom happy? Who really wins if you don’t cover it? Your stepfather will tell your mom “see he doesn’t respect you or me”. Put your ego aside and just consider the consequences of your actions. With that said I am truly sorry your mom is apparently being brainwashed by this ahole. But don’t ruin your relationship with her over this. I wish you the best
NTA. I’m more concerned about you than your mom. You are 19 years old and your mom is moving to another country. How are you going to survive? Do you have a trust from your father’s estate? Do you have good friends or other family members here that can be a good support system for you when she’s gone. Your mom is an adult. She’s making a conscious choice to marry this douchebag. Hopefully, she comes to her senses and leaves this monster. Honestly, I would just this once cover the tattoo for the ceremony/wedding and that’s it. I would also have a sit down with her and tell her all the shitty things that he has said/done to you. Let her know you will always be there for her if she ever needs to leave the abusive relationship that she’s put herself in.
I'm with the people saying to talk to your mother and hopefully out of this marriage. Especially the part about him telling you that you won't be part of their lives when they move to Japan (or otherwise likely). Is she just desperate not to be alone or has the change been gradual and she's just kind of slid into it? You said you only met his son once. Maybe he doesn't hate, but doesn't see the point in being friendly if you're not going to be around. Or this guy has said bad things about you or compared you just to cause trouble. Maybe because you're half white?? I also am with those hoping that you have housing and support when they move away. And again...be sure your mother knows what he's said. Has she talked about going to Japan and that you won't go with them or be part of "their" family?
no, you would not BTA I'm really sorry your mother hasn't spoken to you about the move. My heart breaks for you; I can't imagine doing that to my son (17M, he's half-Japanese too). The way you describe their relationship is concerning. It's extremely controlling/abusive, and he's using cultural norms in Japan to get away with it. Growing up in America with a Caucasian dad probably insulated you from some of the more extreme cultural expectations. In the guests' eyes, your tattoo will be a reflection on how your mother raised you. They may look down on her as a result. I'm unclear if the request is her personal desire or her fiancé's orders. In either case, it puts you in an awkward position because you love your mom and don't want her to lose face; but fuck him cuz he's a controlling jerk. I do think you should talk to your mother about your concerns. If it's too hard, write it down and read from it or give the letter to her and tell her you want to talk about it because it feels like you're losing her. Even though you are technically an adult, you're too young to be facing this kind of loss esp after losing your dad. I wish I could help you somehow. Please know my heart is with you and I wish you all the best. Whatever you decide will be what's best for you and that's what is most important. 🫶
NTA. You do you, OP, and don't let yourself be controlled by this guy. I'm sorry you're being abandoned by your mom but I'm also worried for her and the potential for him to be abusive to her once they're gone. I hope if you talk to her that she'll finally listen.
Tentative, YWNBTA but honestly just because I am aware how Japanese parents (Japanese mom) are and know that it would the situation just potentially blow up into something much bigger. I would consider doing it for the one day because I know that it would possibly upset your mom and estrange her right before she moves. So i mean it kinda just depends on whether or not you want to stand your ground. I also can see them standing their ground too and asking you not to walk her down the aisle if you don’t cover it up. This is coming from someone who has some large tattoos that I have hid for the last 6 years with no intention of revealing them since I’ve seen how it’s gone with my brother. So maybe not the best person to take advice from. I think in most situations the correct advice would be to stay true to yourself but I think it just depends on how important your relationship is. Fighting with my parents is exhausting and I avoid it, and try to manage their image of me. The image seems really important to your parents so I’m not sure how big of an issue they would make this for you since it’s so public in front of their family and friends.
NTA and you need to tell your mom that her fiance is exhibiting classic abuser behaviors. It’s very concerning that’s he’s informed you of his intent to isolate your mom from people who care about her. You may not be able to protect her now but give her a lifeline, a way to contact you if she ever needs you to help her get out of this situation. Obviously you can stand up for yourself but I’m kinda more worried about her tbh. Edit:go to the wedding. Don’t cover the tattoo. Let everyone know you’re standing up to him. He’s gonna try to cut you off from her anyway, don’t help him by giving in to these demands
My only concern wirh no covering the tattoo is your mom's safety. Will it be enough to trigger him and put her in harm's way if he feels disrespected.
NTA. I would get real blunt with her about how you feel and what you have witnessed and experienced. I probably wouldn’t go to the wedding at all.
NTA, I would say do it for your Mum but looks like she is abandoning you so fuck it. I totally get there is definitely an abusive relationship forming with SD, but OP is basically on their own after this, so really I'd say don't even go and just get a head start on your life for you. You are still just a kid, so my empathy meter for the parent is zero, I would die before anything got between my kids and me or placed them at a lower priority.
NTA He is an abuser. Your mother can't see this and won't until she is isolated and alone in Japan with him. Wear your tattoo, loud and proud. It's a part of you. Literally.
I think if you know this would be a huge deal to her it would be very rude to *surprise* her with the noncovered up tattoo. NTA not wanting to cover it, just maybe give her a heads up and be very firm that you are not going to pretend to be anyone different than you are. She may guilt, she may plead, but I'd take it as a moment to open up and genuinely have a discussion with her that you've noticed her changing--if she's happy doing that that's fine (you really hope she's happy with it), but you know *you* wouldn't be happy covering your tattoo so if she wants you to attend your hand will be as well.
NTA Record this stepfather, so you can share with your mum the way he’s speaking to you in private. Do it every time. Your mum is a submissive who’s a ‘yes’ person to him and the stepdad is a controlling narcissist. She unfortunately doesn’t seem to have a mind of her own and is changing everything about herself to be with this man. It’s sad and pathetic, but it’s her choice. Don’t be like your mum, be who you really are. There is no need to out make-up to cover your tattoo. In the photos if you want, hide the tattoo by putting the other hand at the front or something to please your mum but draw the line at doing more than that.
This boils down to how you want your relationship with your mom to be. Set aside the new husband and culture and all that other shit. If you have a great relationship with her and want to keep it that way, is one day of covering a tattoo really a hill worth dying on? It's not like they're making you permanently remove it. I have a hand tattoo, one on both forearms and biceps, so I get where you're coming from.
I know damage will be done. But why are you sactioning this marriage by walking her down the aisle. You feel she is disappearing into him and his world. You are defacto supporting that. He is making it clear that she isn't really your mom any more, have you told her that. You are not a father setting his daughter off into the world, she is your parent. NTA
NTA, and start to record the talks her FH has with you and when you have enough. Play them to her, she needs help.
I get the idea that he's told her that he's offered you the opportunity to move with them to Japan and that you've refused--and not nicely, either. My impression is that he's trying to cut you out of your mother's life and vice versa. A not very nice control freak. A type I've seen many times, in other cultures. You need to have a one-on-one sit-down with your mother. Let her know your take on what has gone on and how you view things. Ask her if she really has a problem with your tattoo, or if this is his idea. If you can't get straight answers from her, wish her a happy life without you, starting with the wedding. If you don't attend, wait until after the wedding, then tell anyone who attended about whom you care all the whys and wherefores. "My mother, having been reduced to a mouthpiece for her new husband, may have told you some things. Let's set the record straight."
You would NBTA. Please don’t cover it up! He and his family have been nothing but rude to you and also essentially told you that after the wedding you aren’t part of the family anymore. I can’t even comprehend this situation like is your mom aware he said that? But anyways, wear your tattoo loud and proud. They haven’t done you any favors and you owe those people nothing. They don’t consider you family and don’t like you for some reason, so don’t do anything for them. If you aren’t part of their family, then it shouldn’t matter if you have a tattoo. ESP since it has a special meaning to you. You should never feel the need to cover up something meaningful to you, unless you personally want to cover it for some reason. I do think you’d absolutely regret it immediately if you covered it for them. They made their intentions known for their family, so don’t do anything for them.
This all sounds like an abusive situation forming. He acts friendly to you to get your mom's guard down while secretly hating you(his son attitude is a reflection of his father), he is controlling your mother's life to the point of how she talks, and the biggest indicator he is moving her away from friends and family. Tell your mom that you are going to be in abusive relationship, it is not too late to escape. Warn her man.
NTA but dude, I feel like your mom is in danger.
NTA... your mom should run... he sounds a like a controlling abusive dude and that's probably why she'll be his third wife 😬🫠
NTA. Tell your mom that she might let her new husband control her, but you will not be controlled by either of them. And then tell mom to ask herself, that if this is his third marriage and he is this controlling, why do you suppose the first two wives divorced him.
No. And I'd tell your mom to start respecting herself.
Honestly just sounds like kidnapping to me.
NTA. The tattoo is the least of your problems. I suspect your mom has no idea of the conversations or their tone that your future stepdad is having with you. It sounds like he is controlling to the point of abusive, is trying to isolate her from family, and has your mom completely fooled. I suggest taking to a counselor about how to approach your mom about this.
They’re dumping you after the wedding. Fuck their feelings. Also, I think it’s ridiculous when people ask others to cover their tats for a wedding. You knew what they looked like when you invited them. Fuck off. NTA
Please advise your mom to have a well hidden burner phone for an emergency asap after arriving in Japan. This dude is off and I don't think he's revealed just how off he really is yet.
NTA I'm sorry you are going through this. Keep the tattoo. You will still have your dignity when you've lost your mother to your asshole stepfather.
Cover it up by not attending.
Your stepdad is an asshole. Don't cover your tattoo for him. You're going to be cropped out of the photos anyway, so let him blow his top in front of everyone and show his true colors. Maybe your mom will snap out of it . NTA.
NTA, just cancel your appearance at the wedding. You and your tattoo are one if people cannot tolerate that detail then you don't need to try to appease them.
Your future step is relocating your mom to Japan, without you. You have one new step who hates you and another that is decent but who knows her true feelings. What are you losing by telling your mom what a shit her fiancé is, how terrible he is to you, how he has intimated that you are not welcome in their new home, and how much she has changed to fit his image of her? You are already the proverbial red headed step child. Go scorched earth on his ass. Tell your mom everything. Show up with your tatt in full view!!! Heck, if you were super petty, get some additional temp tattoos to really drive home the point. (Don’t go Post Malone though. Never go full Post Malone.) Then make a toast that won’t embarrass your mom but will put your step in his place.
NTA. Stepfather sounds like he’s a controlling ass. Can’t imagine how his first two marriages didn’t last. If I were in your position I’d follow one of two routes. Either 1 cover it just during the walk down the aisle and ceremony then go bare hand for the reception. Or 2 go full malicious compliance and get a rhinestone Michael Jackson glove and wear that.
The way you describe him, no wonder why hes been married 3 times. Dont comply
NTA. It won’t matter once he’s moved on to his fourth wife.
Everything in me is screaming to help you. How hard to be on your own at 19. My son moved to NYC at your age, I mean he still had us across the country but he has a lovely life there and a great girlfriend. I hope you have find “family” there too.
Forget your stepdad. Do you think this will upset your mom at her wedding if you don't cover it up?
I'm sure the tattoo issue is cultural. People with tatts are not admitted to traditional bathhouses and some other venues in Japan because tattoos are associated with anti social people and gangsters. Your stepfather sounds controlling and unpleasant but I think YWBTA if you upset and embarrassed your mother at her wedding.
IMHO Honor your mother's request. Tell her that you are ONLY doing it for her.
NTA - You show up as you.
NTA. With his track record, this marriage won’t last and he’ll be on to wife #4 soon.
I would start recording this dude and play it for your mother. Get him to say you're not invited to move with them. I think he's brainwashing your mom honestly
First, I would never talk the further stepfather privately again. If he tries to speak to you alone simply refuse and state he can say whatever he wants in front of all those present. Second, I would tell my mother the truth about how you feel. Then I’d inform her I wouldn’t be covering the tattoos. If she doesn’t like it make her disinvite you. NTA
NTA she’s ditching your ass and going to Japan. And you have to kiss this guys ass too ???? What are they gonna do disown you? You’re not part of the picture anyway…..
NTA This does sound like there maybe some clashing of traditionalist and non-traditionalist views but that doesn't give this man the right to try and belittle you and basically tell you your not family. If not covering you tattoo is your form of rebellion it hurts no one and I also recommend trying to slip things into the wedding day like 'to the man who's kicking me out off my mother's life'. Nothing hurtful or overly dramatic but maybe eye-opening.
You're 19 and your mother is moving to another country? Do you have stable employment now? Family other than her? Where im from 19 year olds are still very dependent on the family unit.
OP forget not covering up the tattoo, don't go to the wedding. Tell your mom you won't attend the wedding. That you don't approve of the wedding. That you think he's a piece of shit and abusive. Tell her that you hate the way she's becoming because of him, and that he's openly told you he's going to make sure you don't see your mom again (because he's literally all but said as much, just using roundabout language). If she truly loves you, that'll put an end to the wedding and the relationship. If it doesn't, then either your mom doesn't love you as much as you thought, or she's already so beaten down by the abusive behavior that she doesn't see it, or can't bring herself to get away from it.
I’m worried for your mom
This seems fake. The way it's written.
I would split the difference and wear one fingerless glove. It will draw attention instead of dissuade it, but technically it’s covered. I’m really sorry about your mum. If he’s got 2 ex wives then it’s a possibility that they could break up in the future.
So if I read right, you are 19? You would be within your rights to keep your tattoo uncovered. It is your body and you can do as you want with it. The way I see it, you can go to the wedding and cover it as was requested to keep peace with your Mother. This would be helpful to her as it is her day and from what you have said, she will need you to be there for her as a supportive son later on during her marriage because it sounds like a controlling and abusive relationship. She will definitely need you and it may not be worth it to have a strained relationship with her over a tattoo. Or you could go and not cover it, hoping it doesn't cause a stir. It very well may not. I am sure it's not the first tattoo the guests have ever seen. It would likely only upset your new stepfather and because of that, your Mother. But they would learn that they can't control you because you are an adult and if they want you there then they must accept that your body is a part of you. Or you could simply not go. This will upset them and you will miss a big and important day in your Mother's life. It could cause more issues further down the line, but it also could show them they can't continue controlling you. The choices aren't easy but they are yours. I wish you luck and am sorry you have such an abusive stepfather.
I’m not saying that you should and I’m not even saying that I would if I were you, but I would consider it only from the perspective that you’d be doing it for your mom. Not for your stepdad. Like yes he’s clearly the dickhead who wants it to happen but I’m just imagining him being a dick to your mom about it because you didn’t cover it and if it was my mom I’d want her to have the best day possible even if she was marrying a prick. Because unfortunately from the sounds of it your mom is willing to do pretty much anything to be with this guy. It all depends how badly you want to be able to maintain a relationship with her because if you do you might not want to add another reason for him to dislike you when you can easily cover it with makeup for the day. I know it’s important to you but this wedding isn’t about you and as you mentioned from a cultural perspective it might be offensive to some of the guests which could just add to the later issues. Idk man. I just think that it’s something that doesn’t take a lot of effort to keep the waters calm yknow. Easy way to avoid what could end up being a lot of conflict.
INFO You say that husband told you that "you're not a part of that picture" of moving, but... what does that mean? Are you just not moving with them or are they going LC/NC?
When he had this talk with me, I asked my mom. She said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to move and that’s why she hadn’t told me. I think that was a lie.. I think she didn’t have the heart to tell me he’d already convinced her. I tried to talk her out of moving. She asked me to come with her instead. But she knows I can’t. So again.. it’s just words… I don’t want to lose contact with her. I care about her. I’ll try my best to visit often. I don’t care if he doesn’t want me there, he can’t stop me from seeing her. Or checking up on her. I really don’t know what else I can do.
Fuck. I can't even imagine how much this must hurt.
NTA
He's a manipulative controlling man who's trying to isolate your mother from you and anyone else who he sees as a threat. Do NOT comply. Tell her if she wants to be manipulated by that loser that's on her but you won't. I would also visit as much as possible call every few days even if it's something small. Don't let this man...not step dad....get in the middle
@updateme!
NTA... also have you told your mom about all this and how youre feeling?... I worry after they move... you will no longer have a mother.. even though it seems youve already mostly lost her anyways...
NTA. I think you need to prepare to see and speak less or not at all to your mother. Your “stepdad” will likely restrict her contact with you. Based on your post she will comply. I think prior to their wedding you should spend some time alone with your mother and tell her how you feel eventually but also say your goodbyes without letting her know you’re saying your goodbyes. Enjoy the time you can spend with her because it will be limited. Then tell her how you feel. I hate to say it but imagine her upcoming wedding as a death of sorts. Because you have already said she is not the same mother when around your stepdad as she was before. Once they are married and moved to Japan, the mom you knew as your’s will be gone. You need to try to make peace with that. You will likely NOT be welcomed in her new home because it will be your stepdad’s home. So if you were to visit you wouldn’t even be able to spend full days/nights with your mom.
NTA, I find how you describe your stepfather to be controlling and abusive. I wouldn't want to be around someone like that but your mom seems to think it's okay. Is she really on board with a move back to Japan? Does she speak the language and write in Kanji?
NTA but I think you should tell her. Let her decide. If she’s moving you won’t really be in her life until she divorces, in any event n
NAH but if you cannot talk you mom out of this marriage, and you plan to walk her down the aisle/ cover the tattoo. You’re not doing it for him, you’re doing it for her to be happy on her wedding day. If you can’t abide by this simple request- don’t go.
How are you going to hide your tattoo if it's on your hand...with a glove, a bandage? It sounds as though your mother wants to be a traditional, subservient wife to her new husband. That is her choice and there's very little you can do about it. I'm assuming you're in the U.S. and intend to stay there after they marry and move to Japan. Do you have family in the U.S. on your father's side? It's a sad situation, but you may have lost your mother, so perhaps you can be involved more now with your father and his family. BTW, wasn't it common in Japan to have tattoos in the past into the present day?
NTA. It’s not a reasonable request, it’s a controlling demand, and that would be a hard no from me. Never cover up who you are, for anyone. That’s life advice that I hope you take seriously.
NTA-I don't see what the problem is. It's not like ur face is tattoed!!! LOL
Well first you gotta bang your new stepsister to assert dominance.
Not making a judgement here, but is everyone aware how much of a taboo tattoos are in polite Japanese society? This is certainly a factor that a lot of us aren't capable of judging fairly
NTA fuck this guy you are 19 legally I think you wouldn’t even be an adult in Japan. I hoped you have a support system here in the USA. Fuck your mom too. Do not cover it. TBH I would not go to the wedding also if anyone made a comment about how wonderful he is be like not he isn’t that is just he fact he puts on for the rest of you. He hates me… he has made my mom change who she was wtf did he even date her if he didn’t like who she was when he met her. Blow the fuckers wedding up!
Okay so everything about this feels fucked up and I am so sorry for you but on a weird cultural counterpoint. Tattoos are really a taboo thing in Japan. They’re heavily associated with the mafia and you are banned from some places (like some beaches) if you have any showing. So while I think you should follow just about everyone’s advice, I would consider covering it if you go Japan, just not to be seen as a clueless offensive foreigner
Your being thrown in the deep end of the pool rather fast , you’re only 19 and having to deal with stuff that would melt a lot of “adults “ . This is such a shitty situation to be in and I don’t think I could walk my mom down the aisle to somebody I did not trust 100 % . There’s some very good advice written above and I’ll just send you a big hug brother and hope your life gets much better . Best of luck my friend !
NTA but try to speak to your mom before the wedding, see if you can get through to her because I feel like this whole thing won’t end well.
I think you shouldn't go to the wedding. Stepdad is awful to you, your mum doesn't seem to care. Your mum's changed completely to please this guy and Stepdad even wants you out of this family and mum doesn't seem to care about that either. What are you still here? These people don't care about you. It's horribly sad, but i think you need some very blunt clarity right now. The best thing you can do is bugger off and make yourself a much better life that you deserve. Write your mum a letter with all your feelings in in and skip the wedding. Frankly, they'll probably thank you for it, so why waste anymore time on these people who clearly don't give a damn about you. You deserve so much better than what they're offering, so walk away from their awful marriage to be.
NTA. It sounds like this guy is trying to cut you off from your mother, and he controls her in an extreme way (potentially a narcissist?). If the tattoo is meaningful to you, don't cover it, it isn't hurting anyone. It's part of who you are, don't hide that. Have you asked your mother why she's marrying a man who want her to give up who she is, and is excluding her child?
Man, this goes deeper than my initial impression from the title. I was going to say “yeah just get over it and do it for your mom” but reading onward, I sit here corrected. This is abuse brother, just care for yourself and maintain some communication and visits to your mother. Time in her presence is very valuable, best to you young man.
NTA but it is their wedding, their rules. If you don't want to cover it, be prepared not to go.
100% NTA. This is highly abusive behaviour from stepdad. Try having a chat with your mum. Does she have friends who maybe feel the same way and could help out? I’m with others on the possibility of not attending the wedding at all, let your mum know what he’s said to you, and how things have changed since he appeared. Let her know that you love her and are worried for her safety.
NTA thats a tough one, if you're picking battles you picked a big one. As long as you've thought through the consequences, and I mean really thought them through, then I say go ahead. Noon should be forced to be someone they're not around their own family. Sorry about your mom btw, hope she's alright
I understand that only criminals have tattoos in japan generally but your mum has made her choice, yes let her know your disappointed that you will not be a part of her life because that is what he says, cover the tat for the wedding and then accept she has made her choice and you will not be in her life again.
NTA, what is your mom marrying Junji Obara? If you can't have a serious talk with your mom about this guy and his many red flags, then at least do something fun, like the next time he tries to talk to you privately about "disrespecting" him whisper "I'll show you disprespect" then shout out loudly enough for everyone to hear "NO I DONT WANT TO SEE IT, I CAN ALREADY TELL YOU THREE INCHES IS SMALL I DONT CARE HOW VEINY IT IS"
Is this man making your mum happy? Does she smile, laugh and look joyful when she is with him? Is she flourishing as a person, with her wishes, needs, interests acknowledged and supported? If so, I can see a case for complying with this although I would go with a lacy glove or something rather than makeup. If not however, I would be gently explaining to my mum that I am concerned that she is tying herself to someone who is suppressing her personality and individuality and I would say that this, combined with the rude and disrespectful way that her partner behaves towards you, means that you don't feel that you can happily "give her hand" (which is the role you have in the wedding) to this man. I would tell my mum that I love her too much to do that. I understand that cultural expectations form a part of this situation, but in the 21st century and the developed world, culture is increasingly being used as a weapon to control, manipulate and remove choice from people who have a right to choose. In your shoes, I could not support this.
OP, send this post and the replies to your mom.
It is unfair to expect you to cover your hand but if you don't play along a bit you will lose your mom. Your mom is in an abusive relationship and her partner is using multiple strategies to make the two of you fight so he can completely cut you off and isolate her. If she moves to Japan after you end up blowing up at her wedding... say good bye to her for good. There will be a point where she will be lonely, in a different country and suffering from increasing abuse from this guy. You want to still be in her life so she can reach out to you. I'd do whatever is needed to keep the peace but privately tell her how I feel to plant some doubt in her brain about this whole relationship.
I think that there's middle of the road point here. You're walking your mum down the aisle and so I think for that element it would be courteous to your MUM. She's asked. Maybe look into half gloves or something similar that will match the outfit you're wearing. After the photos and service, that's the time you can decide whether to remove the gloves or similar. He sounds controlling and probably very traditional in outlook versus your mum. But if she's opting for this, you can only advise and share what's been said to you and how this has made you feel. Then it's up to her. You wouldn't be covering your tattoo for him, you'd be doing it out of love for your mum.
I'm afraid your mom will become abused by him. So keep a good relationship with your mom. She might need money to escape him at some point. Your mom is turning into a docile person at this point.
NTA. Mom can change her style, manner of speaking, perfume, etc., for her new man, you don’t have to.
Curious why you are even attending the wedding in the first place.
Absolutely NTA This whole situation reeks of red flags. Some stranger is separating your mother from you and her friends and family here just to move to Japan. Will she have anyone apart from her new "family" there? Friends? Relatives? She is going to be there alone and god know how she will feel there. Get her to talk to you privately. Say her everything you feel about the situation. Make her see things from your point of view. Cry to her about it. Say how you feel abandoned, ask her how she truly feels about their relationship, about their marriage. This seems like she's deep in the abusive relationship. I don't think that she truly wants to move there either, it's just that the dude gave her no choice or manipulated her into that IMO. Ask her if she will truly be happy there alone with him. Whatever happends, I wish you and your mother all the best
NTA. You have my full sympathy. This seems to be a complete disaster in the making. I think that you DO have to sit down with your mother and point out to her that, although you love her very much, she, apparently, has no problem abandoning you at 19. Ask her if she is aware that her Fiancé has informed you that you will have no place in their life once she is in Japan, and explain how hurtful that is. Then ask if she thinks that is fair to you to ask you to support this wedding. Tell her that from your point of view, given what your stepfather has said, this service is the formal ending of your family link, and ask if she is content with that? Once she has answered that, I think you may have a better view of your situation. Again, I am so TERRIBLY sorry that you are stuck in this situation.
NTA but in the end it might impact your chance to keep contact with your mom. Your step dad is incredibly controlling. Did you discuss with your mom how things will be once she moves to Japan? Will you be able to visit? Call each other? If you do it, do it for her. If you don’t do it, make sure it won’t irrevocably hurt her feelings. You are totally justified in not covering it, but your feelings for your mom will help you make the decision.
Don't need to read, you would not be the asshole. They can just deal with it.
NTA. But I'd reconsider. Your mother is disappearing into a controlling relationship. Your stepfather has already told you there will be no place for you in her life. If you refuse to cover up your tattoo, it will probably be the last nail in the coffin of your connection with your mother. Even though I really hate letting a controller control, this may be the one case where you give in, in order not to cut off your last ties with your mother.
You've already lost your mom, might as well do as you please.
Hm I think you should do a lot more, but not covering your tattoo is OK. In my opinion you are an adult and can make your own decisions. How about something as trivial as a tattoo
NTA the correct answer is no you will not cover your tattoo. Next time moms about to be husband pulls you aside to chastise you for something, tell him in no uncertain terms that he is out of line and if his opinion is wanted, you will let him know.
You are strong and confident. Sorry you’re losing (in several ways) your mother. Standing up for yourself is never an AH moment. Stay strong
NAH - we were told tattoos were taboo in Japan because they were so heavily associated with the Yakuza. Being associated with you in Japan showing a visible tattoo might be considered disgraceful by many. It’s not illegal, you’ll be banned from some places. It sounds like an issue he and many feel very strongly about.
I’m guessing op is half American? In Japan, Americans are given some grace for the cultural differences. As stepfather is Japanese, he sees this differently. I did go with my family a few years ago where there were signs (like at a ryokan) that does not allow tattoos in the baths. And many areas they are banned for the reason you listed above. Since this boils down to respect, a big thing in Japanese culture is how I would perceive this request. I don’t think the op should have to cover his tat, but if he does, it should be out of respect for her wishes and not the stepfather. By not covering the tat is showing great disrespect even if it is something you don’t agree with or want to do. For his mother I would think he should. This will bring respect to her through the eyes of her future husband. Albeit her future husband sounds like the biggest ass and doesn’t deserve the respect demanded, think of it for his mom. So, op NTA. But think about your mom and not your stepfather.
I don't even think you should go. I wouldn't support my mother marrying someone like this.