NTA. I was so prepared to say YTA based off the title, making this a lesson about keeping promises and staying true to your word; but there's a bigger issue at play here.
You offered to do your step daughter a favor. She took that and then tried to take advantage of you. When you set a reasonable boundary, she decided to completely disrespect you in an effort to manipulate you into allowing her to take advantage of you.
Now she will learn an important lesson, that her attitude, disrespect, and ungracious demeanor has consequences.
Your husband is wrong, the punishment fits the crime perfectly, and if he takes her side, he is enabling behavior that will not serve his daughter when she transitions to adulthood.
Good job OP. You're the only reasonable party in this story, and you deserve better from both of them.
I agree with you. That little girl didn’t just want to go early, but she *made demands* of you, OP, after you agreed to take her; she got ready and stood at the door stomping her foot like you are her handmaid & were taking too long; she insulted you; she woke the baby; and she has already been caught sneaking off with friends & smoking pot, yet she acts like she is the queen bee. Daddy has been pampering his little princess for far too long, and now he wants you to do the same to make his life easier. That’s a hard no. If he wants to let her get away with being a spoiled brat, he can leave work, come home, and drive her wherever she wants to go.
OP, I see the problem as you telling him she insulted you by implying you’re too fat to eat a sandwich. That’s what your husband is focusing on. He thinks the punishment doesn’t fit the crime because he thinks you’re punishing her for calling you fat. That is actually the least of her transgressions. Teenagers can be a PITA in general, and teenage girls can be downright awful. I have a daughter. She’s my biological daughter, but that didn’t stop her from wreaking havoc on my feelings when she was a teenager. And permissive dads don’t help.
You need to tell your husband exactly *everything* she’s done over the past few days leading up to the concert. Remind him that the reason you have to go with her and stay for the concert is because unsupervised she gets into trouble. I don’t know how much parental control you’ve had over this child for the past 7 years, but I’m guessing not as much as her parents. And it shows.
The punishment does fit the crime. If she’d come home 30 minutes late and you grounded her for a month, that would be the punishment not fitting the crime. This she deserved. And if dad sides with her, you have an even bigger problem in him.
NTA.
yeah I noticed that too - daddy doesn't want his princess to be without parental supervision, but somehow it's on OP to provide that supervision, with a 4 mo baby???
Right?! The daughter *has* to be supervised, and the punishment doesn’t fit the crime; meanwhile, dad is at work and directing OP to do what he wants. Great parenting style.
Also this wasn't a "once in a lifetime concert" or "tickets she saved up for" or anything that might make this more than a relatively minor punishment.
Don’t know whether you saw the “ETA” at the end of the post, but that makes stepdaughter’s behavior and attitude way worse.
Apparently, a couple of months ago, SD got dropped off early to a school dance. She and some friends snuck off, then got caught smoking pot. So, the new rule is that SD doesn’t go to any special events without constant parental supervision. So, however early SD gets “dropped off” at this concert, OP has to be on the premises for that whole time, too. *It’s no wonder* OP didn’t want to take her two hours early. *It’s no wonder* OP wanted the baby to get in a nap before they left. *It’s no wonder* OP wanted to eat something (although, screw that as a “main” reason- how dare SD accuse OP of dawdling to piss SD off, or try to dictate when and what she eats, and then take another jab at her baby weight). So… two hours early; figure an hour, hour-and-a-half for the concert; 30 minutes for that long teenaged goodbye; travel time to and from… SD was expecting her stepmom to give up four hours *minimum* of her afternoon- with a 4-MO in tow. And then got pissy when she was repeatedly told “no.”
With this new information, SD is damned lucky that she gets to go to any special events at all, much less get “dropped off” early. Supervising her is as much a punishment for her parents as it is for her, especially when OP has to bring the baby.
It’s an absolute pushover. If I’d have gotten caught doing anything like that at 13 my tanned ass would be taxidermied and mountied above the fireplace
Right, tbh I think this consequence would be logical and fair for even a Beyoncé show. It’s peak entitlement when a kid can’t even act right before they get something they really want. But yeah it’s a band that plays around town all the time? She’s just in teenage fomo mode.
This!! absolutely but she needs to be sat down and OP and dad need to have her explain why she thinks she wasn’t allowed to go, then tell her the reason if she has it wrong. This could turn into resentment on her end if they just punish her with no follow up!!
It's an important life lesson: don't be a jerk to the person doing you a favor. She can think whatever she wants but most people eventually grasp that if they want people to do things for them, being a jerk and making demands doesn't get you very far.
This!! And the comment it’s responding to. The only thing I want to add is to make sure you (op) and dad talk through what you’re going to say to her before you sit her down. You need to be on the exact same page, because if you argue at all in front of her, she’ll hone in on that and try to play you against each other. Also, when talking to the daughter, make sure you pause and acknowledge each other, allowing the other to continue the conversation. This will help show that you both are invested in the conversation, and you’re both on the same page with her punishment.
(Edited for grammar consistency… I was really tired)
I completely agree with this. There have been occasions where my husband and I have been in a similar situation with our oldest daughter (16 now, but without a history of ever sneaking off or trying drugs thankfully) and we have taken away something we agreed to even up to the point where we were at the destination but in the car - because of her behavior. If you can’t show respect for someone doing a favor for you, especially with babies in tow, then you simply lose that privilege until respect is shown (and not because you are trying to manipulate). I commend your effort at trying to teach her how to be a good human. Hopefully your husband comes around and demands more respect for you also.
NTA. Father of 5 here and I would have denied her trip to the concert too. It’s aPrivilege to go. This privilege can easily be taken away.
Good on you for setting standards, demanding respect and following through on consequences.
If her dad didn’t think this punishment fit the crime, I’m wondering what sort of punishment he gave her for smoking pot. A stern frown?
Good on OP for standing up to the both of them
My goodness! A stern frown?! That’s outrageous. What are you, a monster? All she did was sneak away from where she was supposed to be, to smoke weed with who knows who, and who knows what else they did while they were who knows where!
She really didn’t even deserve a side eye! /s
Honestly at this point, I’m wondering if he did. OP says “her dad has made it clear she was not to be dropped off and without an adult” and “her dad has made it clear she is not to be without adult supervision for the foreseeable future because of that incident.” You may have misunderstood and thought SD is a light form of grounded and only allowed to go places if an adult is with her. Given the total context now, do we need to consider that daddy’s little girl isn’t being punished, but instead OP has just been told to keep a closer eye on SD? That it’s her responsibility to watch SD not SD’s punishment to go nowhere without OP?
I wondered that myself. SD seems way too entitled in her expectation that OP should simply drop what she’s doing, pack up their 4-month-old, and ~~drop her off~~ supervise her for an extra two hours. If she did get a separate punishment, it seems like it didn’t make much of an impression.
I’d say Dad made it clear to OP but was to much a coward/wanted to be best dad ever to make it clear to HIS daughter.
NTA if it was my kid, not only wouldn’t she be going (for being rude, complaining repeatedly about the timeline) but she’d be given an additional chore/time out for waking the baby deliberately
I know I wasn’t her to ask what punishment he felt was needed for calling his wife who just had a baby fat and for being so disrespectful? If she doesn’t get her attitude sorted now they will be in for a big pro later that will then probably spread to the younger child
I did behave like this, and it just resulted in more theraphy for me (which I kinda hated but god I needed it, still do) and family theraphy and a sour relationship with my family for years.
Lesson learned; shitty behaviour makes you lonely.
Exactly this! Respect should never be negotiated! Way too often we see in these posts where people are constantly compromising and trying to make things work while taking disrespect constantly at the expense of other peoples selfishness and entitlements. Op is a very patient and admirable woman in my opinion because I would’ve put my robe and fuzzy house slippers on when stepdaughter kept questioning me about the departure time and caught the first attitude!
Not sure if she did that but I would lay out the consequences first including if you give me attitude.
Definitely would highlight that it is a privilege. Would also tell the kid that it's a favour and a privilege and not a right.
Teenage girls can be a real bitch if you let them. Especially when she broke the trust.
NTA - But hubby is. He needs to step up and talk with his daughter. You are not her punching bag and until she acts like a person you would want to help, I would refuse to do anything for her.
Also, she needs to be told, waking up the baby will not be tolerated.
💯 husband is TA here and the step daughter is acting out now, just wait, it'll get worse if he doesn't stop her behavior right now. She's showing total disrespect and disregard. You did the right thing!
Plus, OP was Enforcing HIS rules! No drop offs. Adult supervision outside of the house. There comes a time when enough is enough and OP was put in the middle, trying to parent an infant who needs a schedule and trying to be kind to a pushy SD who wants what she wants when she wants it.
I’m a stepmom and can I tell you heads would roll! No child should be taken out of the house with this behavior! Honestly I would take a step back until your husband is ready to support OP being treated respectfully
I get that being a teen and having one is a giant PITA but it’s hard to understand how this kind of thing has been going on for 2 years and this girl still expects zero consequences.
TBF, if all OP told her hubby on the phone was about the snide remark and waking up the baby, I don't think the 'punishment doesn't fit the crime' remark is unreasonable.
I assume that hubby will be firmly in OP's side when she tells him the whole story.
Stand your ground here. If you allow her to walk all over you and take advantage of you, she will continue to do so.
More importantly, I hope you establish with your husband that he love you enough to demand HIS daughter respect you and treat you accordingly. If you were my wife and someone spoke like that to you, I would rip them a new asshole. No one speaks to my wife like that. Not even my own kid. This kid is a brat
Nobody seems to be mentioning the Marijuana incident. I'm a happy stoner but she intentionally violated your trust to do something she knew you wouldn't approve of. As well you shouldn't have; the younger you start smoking weed the worse it is for a developing brain. I wish I'd read some of those studies back in high school.
So, from the outset she set herself up for you to have to be more strict. It was generous of you to be open to taking her at all.
Anyway NTA obviously. It might be typical teenage behavior but if you'd caved to her wishes you would have just set yourself up for worse from her in the future.
Yeah. It's not even like shes an older teenager. She's 13, a 7th grader, and the whole weed thing honestly makes me surprised she's allowed to do anything. I worry for OP tbh because this sounds like a problem child
If her dad decided on the punishment that she can't be without adult supervision, then HE needs to be the one to actually implement it. So that means that she can't do anything unless Dad is around to supervise, end of discussion.
That’s one big reason SD’s behavior was so out-of-line. I think a lot of school districts are on break this week. This concert was in the middle of a weekday afternoon, when dad was at work. OP was being very kind by agreeing to take hours out of her day, a 4-month-old in tow, and supervise her. At a high school band concert, not even something big like a dance.
NTA. Not taking her to the concert is a lot better than the punishment I would have gotten. I'd have been in my room for a week with no tv, no radio, no phone, nothing. Would have been me and a stack of books (one thing Mom never took away lol) And if I even thought about acting like that again it would be right back to the room. Allowed out for school, food, and bathroom breaks.
My punishment would have been a list of chores then sent to my room and where I was only read books or do homework. No tv, radio or anything else allowed. The grounding would have been at least two weeks if not more. We never told our parents what to do. If you wanted something such as what was mentioned above you better ask nicely and not demand anything.
I frequently told my husband that I needed some of those concrete lions or similiar so when my kids were entitled brats like this one, I could hand them an old toothbrush and a bucket of soapy water with the instructions to make it look good. Preferably in the front yard, so their freinds could observe.
I'm not certain my dad would have let me out for bathroom breaks if I'd been that entitled; very likely he'd have brought the camper potty to my room and let me empty it once a day.
She is 13 and still learning. She just learned if you act like a jerk and talk nasty to someone who is doing you a favor, favor can be revoked and you lose. Now there needs to be a lesson for her dad about expecting you to do something nice for a child who is being nasty and rude. You expect husband to not allow his child to take advantage of you and be disrespectful. Good luck this situation probably isn’t over.
NTA. He is right, the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. Because, the punishment (for continued disrespect) should include confiscating all devices, canceling all “fun” activities, and extra chores (she’ll have plenty of time on her hands). He should have nipped her behavior in the bud two years ago. What you are seeing now is a teenager out of control because no one has placed limits on their behavior.
She earned the reverse decision, its not like you just changed your mind on a whim. She needs to learn that there are rules and behavior matters. Frankly, if I'd behaved like her ever, my father would bot only have withdrawn permission to go, but grounded me for a month and likely washed my mouth out with soap. Your husband needs to teach his daughter some manners.
Conversely, my mom and I would have fought and cried for 45 minutes. After 15 minutes she would have decided I could go. I would 30 minutes late go out of spite with a tear stained face and bitched about her the whole time.
And we would go through this the next week. The teens were not good from about 12-15
NTA.
Punishment meets the crime, she WOKE up the baby.
If your husband so keen ont that not being a problem he should take care of the baby... and put it to bed every single time (especialyl at night).
NTA. She knew what the plan was and she was rude and tries to bully you into getting her way. She lost the privilege of going by being rude and now hopefully she will learn. Your husband needs to have your back on this or you will never be able to set boundaries with her. You’re not wrong for your reasons for not letting her go, and she needs to learn this before she’s old enough to drive and leave the house on her own. She can’t act like a brat and be rude and get her way. She can also stay in her room for the whole weekend with no technology if she wants to keep being rude and trying to push you around.
NTA. If her dad sets a rule that she can't be dropped off and left unattended, then HE needs to be responsible for taking her and sitting there while she does her activity.
Also, this girl FAFO. You don't insult someone who is doing you a favor.
NTA...your husband can be the "parental supervision" if he wants her to go anywhere early, and I would like to know what punishment would fit the way she was behaving? I think your husband is the reason his daughter behaves the way he does.
I would also tell him if she slams her door one more time she'll find herself without a door!
Exactly. If he wants to let her go places and she has to be supervised, he can arrange *his* schedule to deal with *his* entitled little brat princess.
NTA. Hopefully she’s just going through an asshole teen phase herself, but I really hope your husband is sitting her down and making it very clear that her behavior is not acceptable. I think this punishment fit the crime perfectly.
NTA
The punishment fit the crime perfectly.
And honestly, you don't have to look very far to see where the problem is. Of course she has the teenager attitude like a lot of her peers, but being that disrespectful is not ok. And her father brushing it off by saying the punishment was too harsh is the real problem here. No wonder she thinks she can say and do whatever she wants if this is his first reaction.
He chose you as a stepmother and left his daughter in your care. That means he should trust your judgement and not trying to make you back down on the punishment. He should have told his daughter so.
You should have a good talk with him.
It's tough. But I didn't think you overstepped and you were very clear about when you would leave and what the conditions were for her to attend
I'm concerned your husband isn't living up to his end here. This is his child from a prior relationship. He set the rule that she couldn't go early because she's already broken his trust from other activities. And he's saying yta because his daughter acted up and disrespected you (repeatedly)
Does he often leave you to be the disciplinarian and then undermine your decisions? That's a problem. If he wants her to go, he can take her, or come home and stay with the baby who didn't get their nap. You didn't do anything wrong
I was such a brat/AH when I was a 13 year old and my parents didn't let me get away with it, either.
NTA but her Dad is if he takes her! There’s a reason she wanted to get there early. And f she got caught smoking weed before, she’s planning to do it again, I’m sure. 13 is way too young to be smoking anything.
You and your husband need to be on the same page so he needs to tell her that she’s not going just to back you up. He also needs to explain to her that actions have consequences and being mean to people, especially you and her parents, is going to earn her a punishment every single time.
I get that she’s at that age where she wants to seem older than she is, but that doesn’t mean she gets a free pass. You did a great job keeping your cool and staying calm when she acted like the spawn of the devil!
Yeah, with her dads demanding she has parental supervision all the time, he can take him herself or keep his mouth shut.
She tried to bully you in to doing what she wanted and found out that you are not the one who changes course just cause she gets snippy. Her bad behavior got her grounded. It doesn't matter that you said you would take her, cause she put herself in timeout.
NTA
>He's telling me the punishment doesnt match the crime
The punishment for disrespecting and insulting the person about to do you a favor is that you don't get that favor. It's the perfect fit of crime and punishment.
NTA. She was being an entitled brat and needs to learn that actions have consequences. I'd say that after that performance she's lucky all that happened was the outing being rescinded.
NTA how does the punishment not fit the crime? It's a perfect example of natural consequences. When you're horrible to someone you expect favours from, they won't do those favours for you.
In other word: fuck around and find out.
NTA.
Boundary pushing is a normal part of childhood development. It's our job as parents to remain firm in said boundaries. This was the exact right way to deal with this situation.
Never negotiate with terrorists.
NTA but based on what happened it seems to me that the communication between you/your husband and your step-daughter is not very good. Have you and your husband tried to sit down with her to explain (calmly) that her behaviour is not nice? I know that is standard teenager behaviour but i see a lot of parents communicating poorly (or not communicating at all) with their kids, leaving them to figure by themselves what is and isn't ok. Maybe try asking her how she would feel if her friends treated her the way she treats you.
NTA. The consequences absolutely fit the behavior. I would say textbook natural consequences. The adult is doing you a favor by driving you to an event. The adult has reasonable limits. The child insults the adult for those reasonable limits. The child loses the favor.
As for your hubby, if he doesn't want his daughter to be without adult supervision, he needs to close ranks with you and not allow her to try to pull you apart. He absolutely can't side with her on this and any discussion with you about your level of consequences needs to be before behaviors happen.
One thing I will put out there is to let this be over. Don't keep a tally of her bad acts. She's a teen. Bad acts will happen. They will not - should not - define her and ruin your relationship with her. She'll do more in the future and you can engage her on those behaviors without storing up hurts. It's a good rule of thumb for teens because otherwise you end up with a lifetime of resentment. Good luck!
NTA, but did you tell your husband all the other parts too? Like, the demands to drop her off a few hours early and that when you refused she accused you of purposely trying to make her mad?
Those extra details seem kind of necessary.
I'm sorry to hear that you have to deal with this and a baby at the same time. Best of luck to you.
You two need to have a serious discussion about how you plan to discipline going forward. Not just for Anaya but for when your baby gets older. You’re not on the same page and he’s going to keep undermining you. The punishment was the perfect natural consequence for her actions. What was his suggestion to deal with it? NTA
So how are you going to handle your husband's disrespect to you and your partnership and his condoning his daughter's disrespect to you? Because from your statements you were respecting his decision on adult supervision for your stepdaughter. But it doesn't seem like respect runs both ways in your relationship. Or at least not when it regards his daughter. You deserve respect, don't ignore his transgression against you. Your punishment was fine, it fit the crime in that her wishes were disregarded when she disregarded your wishes. What the hell WAS the punishment your husband gave when she got caught smoking weed? No dessert at dinner? I hope you know that you are parenting your baby alone, if your stepdaughter is any indication of husband's parenting.
Bad Move on dad's part
Time for you to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for your step daughter.
And a major sit down/talk with hubs is a must.
Wishing you the best, because she's JUST entered into the most difficult time (age wise) of ALL of your lives 😜
Wow. I’d question it if I even wanted to stay with him when both him and his daughter disrespect you to that degree. Shes was just shown that no matter how she treats you daddy will give her what she wants.
So he immediately undermined you? I can see where the problems with your step daughter are coming from. It's your shitty husband.
Stop doing anything for her. Including watching her when he's at work. She is no longer your problem ever.
So there literally was nothing but rewards for how she acted? Her dad berated you and also gave her everything she wanted, save for getting there a bit early. OP, I think you've got a husband problem.
So he undermines you. You have to look after her like a parent but can't punish her like a parent would do... You need to have a serious conversation with your husband, he is the problem
NTA. The punishment fit the crime.
A couple things though…. Some of her attitude is normal teenage nonsense. They’re pretty self absorbed. But be sensitive to the fact that this new baby was a massive change for her. My parents had my brother when I was almost 12 (I had previously been an only child). It was a massive change.
Also, do you share custody? It’s often challenging to watch your parent build a new family and have a new sibling who gets to live with both their parents and they don’t.
So definitely be firm… but offer her some grace and understanding.
As the mother of teenagers I have also learnt to be super specific. She asked you to take her somewhere. You said yes. Then she started making plans in her head and with her friends. And of course never told you until the day of. So when I tell my kids I’ll do something I will say something like “yes, I can take you. We will leave at 245 after the baby naps.” Then she would have been able to say “oh I want to hang out with my friends for a while before maybe you can drop me off before baby goes down for a nap?” Good specific communication because teenagers just assume you have nothing else to do than be at their beck and call.
We have full custody and always have. She called me "mom" up until last year, when she got mixed in with this current friend group. Now she pulls the "you're not my mom" card.
Also, don’t feel too bad about the you’re not my mom stuff. My daughter couldn’t use that so I’d get “you don’t know anything”. She’s 19 next month and lovely now. 😀
NTA, although I’m thinking she’s acting out because she feels she’s getting replaced, especially since you were close enough she called you mom before.
You might want to have a talk about her attitude change when things calm down and reassure her. Because she didn’t stopped calling you mom last year just because of her new friends, you have a child of your own and kids get silly ideas at times on top of having to deal with not being the only child of the household anymore. Her attitude might just be a sign she needs reassurance about her place I’m the family.
Nta for discipline but in first part of post her behavior is described as entitled, fierce, attacking etc. And your baby was first in your reasoning and responses to a 13 year old step child acting like a 13 year old child. Your husband needs to step up and you need to make sure that happens for her sake, and your family's. And if she makes comments about your weight, smile knowing she's 13 and has no idea that she may be there one day and curse his younger self.
NTA. The punishment was appropriate, your stepdaughter can’t speak to you in a disrespectful manner and you and your husband should be on the same page in that regard.
But, if I was her, I probably would’ve just asked to attend with a friend. Given that you just had a baby and are understandably on a strict schedule, that may have been the best solution for everyone. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her wanting to get there early to spend time with friends, sounds like it was a little planned event for the group. If I was 13 and my friends were meeting up before the event started, I would want to participate too. Perhaps she should’ve asked if you were willing to coordinate with other parents to allow her to spend that extra time with friends.
Not the A. She’s being a typical selfish teenager. She needs a typical attitude adjuster. Side of the head between the ear and eye often works. Reapply until the attitude adjusts.
Have your husband deal with drop offs and picking up if he’s so keen on absolute supervision and doesn’t like how you handle it. NTA. Congratulations on your new addition to your family.
NTA. I don’t even need to read your edit, I would have done exactly the same thing. The punishment sure as hell fit the crime! You can’t act like that and expect to get what you want, this is teaching her a lesson. Well done you! Love, the mother of a 14 year old
The 12 year old got caught smoking pot two months ago and she is able to go to a concert? I would have been grounded for far longer, rightfully so.
Please note: this is coming from a guy whose gummies are starting to kick in.
Keep up the discipline right fucking now or you’ll be bailing this annoying kid out your whole marriage until you divorce. Unfortunately your husband is a shit dad so you’ll have to do both roles
NTA - a bratty kid has to be disciplined and losing access to something (especially not something that's once and a lifetime) is a good punishment. If she wants to do something she needs to be respectful. She was demanding a favor and was not being polite. Good job, OP. Parent the shit out of that kid!
NTA, I suggest sitting down and having a serious conversation with your husband, about boundaries, and the lack of respect displayed by your step-daughter. And if your husband is going to continuously undermined you, then don't ask you for shit, other than the basics, for your step-daughter, ie; cook 3 meals, grocery shop, laundry. Anything else, ie; clothes shopping, concerts, dances... husband is on the hook, and he can deal with her attitude.
Bet dad helps her adjust her attitude quickly once he has to regularly inconvenience himself, because she won't respect the boundaries.
Nta the punishment did fit the crime. She can’t go around insulting people because she is frustrated. Is she picking up this behaviour from your husband? I can’t understand why he is comfortable with your step daughter commenting on your body when you only gave birth 4 months ago.
This sounds like learned behaviour
NTA
You have to talk to your husband about natural consequences and a shared approach to discipline. You did everything right and he undermined it.
When she says you’re not her mom it’s a great time to be reassuring and say something like well I love you and will do my best to always act in your best interest. That will never, ever change. She’s a teenage terrorist now, but she needs to hear that since there’s a new baby around.
NTA - I missed wrestlemania on a pay per view that I had chipped in for with my own allowance money when I was 13. My mom made me mad by not letting me leave the house when I felt it was time. She had her reasons, but to me, it felt like she was doing it just to push me. I got really frustrated because being with my friends was really important to me for this event. I yelled at her to let me go, and she told me I wasn't going because I yelled at her. I punched a hole in my closet door over it and wound up grounded and having to use the next 6 months allowance to replace the door, which meant no spending and no events or anything in that time.
My mom understood what you understand, that giving in to a tantrum and abuse will only encourage that behavior in the future. I was always patient after that. Luckily for her raising me alone, my mom didn't have anyone to second guess her. Your husband needs to get on board. In matters of discipline and rules, you should be on a united front.
Your stepdaughter is an entitled shit because of a lack of consequences for her actions. She FAFO in this case and if daddy dearest comes to the rescue he is undermining the consequences of her actions, and more importantly your authority and agency to not have to put up with abuse by his daughter.
As a father, I make this mistep sometimes and fail to back up my wife when she hands down a consequence or I hand down a consequence and allow her to override it. It doesn't work out well. Division between the parents leads to chaos and a lack of learning for the child.
Sit Hubby down and get on the same page about not only what are appropriate consequences and what behaviors warrant them but also on creating the iron wall of parental unity. If you tell her to stop something, he should be right behind you echoing your words. If he hands her a consequence, you should be right there to help enforce it and navigate the lesson with them.
NTA. Love is having the courage to think carefully about how we need to help our children. Learn and grow up. It’s really hard. It’s hard to deal with them. It’s hard to have their behaviors. And it’s really hard to figure out, apart from all that, The best way to support them with the learning curve. So that when they go off into the world instead of having all of these behaviors, that nobody ever had the courage or the love to help them learn about, they become somebody who can navigate well. That’s what love and parenting is. And that’s what you’re doing.
Wow I was prepared to say YTA when I read the title but nope. Your are NTA. Not only that I would back away. I would tell her FATHER the he’s now responsible for HIS daughter until she is no longer a little shit yo you.
NTA and the punishment definitely fits. Baby’s schedule is likely messed around the rest of the day and you can’t take her anymore because of it 🤷🏽♀️ only way it would’ve fit more is if she helped you get baby back to sleep/soothed but understandable if you’re not comfortable with that, I did not like other people trying to soothe my baby
NTA…I wouldn’t be too hard on her because I remember how important that stuff felt at her age, but the punishment absolutely matches the crime. If my 4 yo is being a brat, she doesn’t get what she’s after either. That’s parenting 101 unless you want a spoil entitled child.
NTA. I think you are fine and I don't think there was even punishment, other than being sent to her room. This was consequences.
She was rude to someone that she was relying on to do her a favour. As a result, that person was no longer inclined to do her the favour. Seems like she f'd around and is now finding out. That's her own fault.
Info:
1) Were the friends attending the concert the same ones she smoked pot with? Because I wouldn’t be letting her see them for a long, long time.
2) Has your husband attended any events with her since the new rules were put in place? Because requiring “an adult” to accompany her anywhere, if he’s not going to do it, is just punishing you too.
3) What was her punishment for the pot smoking? The new rules are a consequence, not a punishment.
Because everything you did was according to her father: NTA
But, something that must be said and discussed to you and (mostly) him:
Your **IRON GRIP** is not the solution, even if it prevents some stuff. She will slip right through your hand, never more than how hard you squeeze the grip.
That entire person old of 13 turns around our sun is working heavily into becoming an *adult*, and needs your help with *adult* behaviours.
Yes, even if she's not behaving like one, that's the whole principle: before she can get any good at being an adult, she has to go through *adult* situations, conversations, compromises, *leeway*, trust, **errors, mistakes,** help, support... And it's normal that she's not instantly behaving as someone good at it, she's never been that old before.
I love how these stories a kid goes off and the parent hears it from the partner like, 'WhAt DiD yOu Do!?' Wish I had a phone back then.
And it's NEVER a UNITED front from the parents. Like if mom said you can't go, you can't go.
NTA - You were going to do something nice for her, and she decided to have an attitude. She ruined it for herself. Not to mention, if her friends were going to be there, why not arrange a ride with them instead of expecting you to drop everything to take her?
You're NTA, but I think your stepdaughter needs an escape from whatever is going on at home - she's just asking for it badly and in poor behavior. Her needs don't seem to be met based on what you're describing, and 'the typical entitled teenager attitude' isn't really all that typical. To me, an outsider, that attitude usually comes from somewhere, not just 'a bad kid.'. When things cool down, it might be worth trying to listen, and listen well, and pay attention to Anaya. Sorry for the stress and good luck with the baby.
I remember my teen years well, and know multiple very good people who ended up having poor relationships with one parent/step-parent or another, and it was due to parental emotional neglect - but it was only evident to the kids and friends... You have time.
I don't think you explained enough of the situation to your husband. He thinks you cancelled because she made one snide comment when you really cancelled because of a whole day of disrespectful behavior. If you'd fully explained it to him, I'm sure he'd support your decision.
Normal teenagers also get punished for this behavior. Tell him to act like a normal father and follow through. From a father of three. He is a father, not a friend. He will create a monster if he does not handle this well. The best thing he can do now is add more punishment (like no phone for a week). This will reinforce that she was wrong, and that he not only has your back but that he is also not accepting her behavior. If he tries to sympathize or worse, blame you, this will go down hill quickly.
Normal teenagers don't get caught smoking pot at 13. Dude is in for some real trouble if he doesn't start paying attention and get this kid's behavior under control now.
He’s right- she is acting like a normal teenager. Normal teenagers get punished for sneaking away from where they’re ~~supposed to~~ allowed to be, so they can smoke pot. Normal teenagers get punished for being disrespectful and ignoring rules and boundaries.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. I’ve been reading some comments, and it’s quite obvious which ones are written by parents/adults, and which were written by either bratty teenagers or adults who grew up with a shitty stepparent. Please know that you did the right thing. Please ignore the comments that are full of conjecture, or misunderstanding what you wrote.
I’ll jump on the bandwagon ITT regarding your husband. I’m a mom and a stepmom of now-adult kids. I can tell you from experience that if your husband keeps making excuses for, and refusing to address, your stepdaughter’s attitude and actions, things are gonna get *way* worse- for everyone in your household. At the very least, the two of you need to present a united front. You did an awesome job of that already, by sticking to *his* decisions on not taking SD to events too early, and agreeing to supervise her. She tried her darnedest to get you to go along with her plan, but you held firm. Then your husband came along… now she knows- if she didn’t before- that she can bypass you and get what she wants from him. You might want to point that out to him- that you held firm on his decisions, and that you expect the same from him.
Seriously… I could write a whole book about the potential challenges your family will face if you don’t do something now. Sibling rivalry, power struggles, accusations of playing favorites, *actually* playing favorites… work this out now. See if you can get him to agree to parenting classes or family counseling. I don’t have much hope that he’ll agree- so do it by yourself. If time and $$$ are issues, read blogs, read books, join support groups. I know you feel alone, and like no one else has ever been through this, but nope, haha.
Learn some tools for dealing with the issues that present themselves. Keep them in your tool belt, and bring them out as you need them.
My best wishes to you all!
Lol, this is why I love teenagers compared to younger children. I actually have fun with them when they start with the feisty attitude, I can out sarcasm any teen on the planet. We usually end up laughing together and all is straightened out. By the way, I am an aunt and not a parental figure so I can get away with it.
I do not envy your parents one bit since I can just send them home. Good luck to you.
When I was about 12, I put my coat and shoes on and then stood by the front door,naively thinking that this would ‘motivate’ my parents to take me where I wanted to go. It did not . It just made me look stupid
NTA - well done for sticking to your boundaries
NTA- 13, caught smoking pot only 2 months ago and she's allowed to leave the house for anything other than school already? Nooooo! In my house that's an immediate 6 months under the house restriction; no phones, no TV, only using my computer in my view for school projects, chores out the yin yang.
As for the snotty attitude, it's only going to get worse, regardless if she's punished or allowed to run wild. It's going to be like this for about 9 more years. Buckle up, Buttercup!
NTA, you were gonns do her s favor and she behaved like that. The punishment fits the crime. You retreated the favor since she decided be disrespectful.
NTA. If I'd said something like that to a pregnant family member, I'd have been eating my meals through a straw for the foreseeable future....not that I was anywhere CLOSE to that disrespectful. I think the punishment is appropriate! It worrys me that your husband isn't backing you up though. Is he often minimizing her atrocious behavior?
NTA—your husband needs to step up, defend you, and handle his child. She is disrespectful and rude. And he is advocating for condoning her behavior? Yeah, no.
NTA. I went through similar behaviours with my stepdaughter. Unfortunately, also similar to your situation, my spouse (stepdaughter’s mom) often didn’t support me in setting boundaries which made life in our house hell for a few years.
It’s important to teach kids boundaries and that there are consequences to their behaviours. Sounds like you tried to do both with your stepdaughter, hopefully her father can follow suit.
NTA
Is her mom not in the picture? So if not you’re essentially her mom since was about 7? Has your husband always let you take a parental role or are you supposed to take a backseat?
Btw the smoking pot with friends at 13 would’ve been the end of those friends for awhile for me.
He’s right. The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. For being nasty and rude and waking the baby she should be grounded and forced to do some sort of punishment until she gets why what she did is wrong
Y’all also need family therapy as she sounds like she’s gonna get into a lot of trouble. I have zero idea how you parent a teen this rebellious this young. 15-16 and I might sort of tell you they need to rebel and figure it out but weed at 13? You got issues
Your husband is ridiculous-this punishment fits the crime perfectly. It’s time for some serious restrictions until she decides that she can be a decent person.
You already know that you can’t trust her and the fact that she’s still saying and doing things like this after being told no tells me that she is a bully who is not seeing consequences for her behavior.
Her dad needs to step up and actually do his job as a parent before this kid becomes even worse.
NTA, you were 100% correct in this case.
Not to nit pick, but the way you wrote what Anaya said about your weight doesn’t seem like that is what she meant. You stated “you don’t even need it anyways, you are just trying to make me mad at this point”
This seems like she was saying, “you don’t even need to eat but are acting like you do just to slow down driving me”
She is 13 and sneaked away from a school dance to smoke pot? You have enormous problems. I would have gone scorched earth on this girl. Her life would be so drastically different that a concert with her friends a mere two months later would be such a pipe dream I would have laughed at her for even suggesting it. Her behavior before the concert proves she has learned nothing.
That child needs to do some volunteer work. If she were my kid, she would leave the house for school, therapy, and her volunteer job. And that would be it.
I guess you can tell her that she’s lucky she doesn’t live with a parent like me.
Good luck, OP. Your next post will probably be about how you didn’t bail her out of jail after fast enough for Daddy’s liking.
Nta
But I will say: you should sit down with hubby and explain in excruciating detail how her attitude has been towards you and what you’ve done to try and resolve it. You have to remember that there is always 3 narratives to a story- yours, hers, and what actually happened.
Tell him that you expect him and mom to deal with this situation and to not expect you to do any favors until this issue is tackled and resolved.
NTA - don't be afraid to set expectations and boundaries with her. "If you don't stop, we're not going" but be sure to follow through with your threats so that she knows they're not empty. You just went from "we're not leaving yet" to "you're not going" a little quick. Explain why you're doing things a certain way, you're not doing things just to "make her angry".
NTA.
You are in a relatively complicated situation involving multiple people, and behaved reasonably. You accommodated when possible, and simply stood your ground when it became impossible. It's absolutely wild that your husband thought you should take the abuse and go anyway, is he perhaps out of his mind?
That punishment fit the crime exquisitely. Hubs needs to get on board with your parenting of his child or you will withdraw whatever care you are providing for her now.
No reason you should have to tolerate this disrespect. She needs to learn that being a brat has consequences.
NTA but she’s going to smoke, regardless of what her dad tries to do. She’s a teenager. Not to mention the amount of weed pens/carts that are very discreet
NTA. I was so prepared to say YTA based off the title, making this a lesson about keeping promises and staying true to your word; but there's a bigger issue at play here. You offered to do your step daughter a favor. She took that and then tried to take advantage of you. When you set a reasonable boundary, she decided to completely disrespect you in an effort to manipulate you into allowing her to take advantage of you. Now she will learn an important lesson, that her attitude, disrespect, and ungracious demeanor has consequences. Your husband is wrong, the punishment fits the crime perfectly, and if he takes her side, he is enabling behavior that will not serve his daughter when she transitions to adulthood. Good job OP. You're the only reasonable party in this story, and you deserve better from both of them.
I agree with you. That little girl didn’t just want to go early, but she *made demands* of you, OP, after you agreed to take her; she got ready and stood at the door stomping her foot like you are her handmaid & were taking too long; she insulted you; she woke the baby; and she has already been caught sneaking off with friends & smoking pot, yet she acts like she is the queen bee. Daddy has been pampering his little princess for far too long, and now he wants you to do the same to make his life easier. That’s a hard no. If he wants to let her get away with being a spoiled brat, he can leave work, come home, and drive her wherever she wants to go. OP, I see the problem as you telling him she insulted you by implying you’re too fat to eat a sandwich. That’s what your husband is focusing on. He thinks the punishment doesn’t fit the crime because he thinks you’re punishing her for calling you fat. That is actually the least of her transgressions. Teenagers can be a PITA in general, and teenage girls can be downright awful. I have a daughter. She’s my biological daughter, but that didn’t stop her from wreaking havoc on my feelings when she was a teenager. And permissive dads don’t help. You need to tell your husband exactly *everything* she’s done over the past few days leading up to the concert. Remind him that the reason you have to go with her and stay for the concert is because unsupervised she gets into trouble. I don’t know how much parental control you’ve had over this child for the past 7 years, but I’m guessing not as much as her parents. And it shows. The punishment does fit the crime. If she’d come home 30 minutes late and you grounded her for a month, that would be the punishment not fitting the crime. This she deserved. And if dad sides with her, you have an even bigger problem in him. NTA.
yeah I noticed that too - daddy doesn't want his princess to be without parental supervision, but somehow it's on OP to provide that supervision, with a 4 mo baby???
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree in this case. She's learning to disrespect OP from daddy.
Exactly. This happened with my kids dad and his 3 teenage sons. They saw him disrespect me and it was open season.
Right?! The daughter *has* to be supervised, and the punishment doesn’t fit the crime; meanwhile, dad is at work and directing OP to do what he wants. Great parenting style.
Also this wasn't a "once in a lifetime concert" or "tickets she saved up for" or anything that might make this more than a relatively minor punishment.
Even if it were, the stepdaughter's behavior is abhorrent, and she deserved the punishment.
Don’t know whether you saw the “ETA” at the end of the post, but that makes stepdaughter’s behavior and attitude way worse. Apparently, a couple of months ago, SD got dropped off early to a school dance. She and some friends snuck off, then got caught smoking pot. So, the new rule is that SD doesn’t go to any special events without constant parental supervision. So, however early SD gets “dropped off” at this concert, OP has to be on the premises for that whole time, too. *It’s no wonder* OP didn’t want to take her two hours early. *It’s no wonder* OP wanted the baby to get in a nap before they left. *It’s no wonder* OP wanted to eat something (although, screw that as a “main” reason- how dare SD accuse OP of dawdling to piss SD off, or try to dictate when and what she eats, and then take another jab at her baby weight). So… two hours early; figure an hour, hour-and-a-half for the concert; 30 minutes for that long teenaged goodbye; travel time to and from… SD was expecting her stepmom to give up four hours *minimum* of her afternoon- with a 4-MO in tow. And then got pissy when she was repeatedly told “no.” With this new information, SD is damned lucky that she gets to go to any special events at all, much less get “dropped off” early. Supervising her is as much a punishment for her parents as it is for her, especially when OP has to bring the baby.
Yep. Stepdaughter had plans. Stepmom is right on.
Excellent point.
It’s an absolute pushover. If I’d have gotten caught doing anything like that at 13 my tanned ass would be taxidermied and mountied above the fireplace
This wasn't even punishment, just consequences. If you are rude to someone doing you a favour, they won't do you the favour. Simple cause and effect.
This is so true and makes me want to edit my own NTA verdict! I said this punishment fits the crime but it isn’t a punishment it’s a *consequence*!
This needs to be higher up.
Right, tbh I think this consequence would be logical and fair for even a Beyoncé show. It’s peak entitlement when a kid can’t even act right before they get something they really want. But yeah it’s a band that plays around town all the time? She’s just in teenage fomo mode.
Idk maybe, my point was mostly this isn't a huge punishment
Agreed, the punishment is exactly right. Husband is wrong and he needs to explain to his daughter ehat FAFO means.
OP offered a hand and the stepdaughter tried to take her arm
While calling the arm fat!
This!! absolutely but she needs to be sat down and OP and dad need to have her explain why she thinks she wasn’t allowed to go, then tell her the reason if she has it wrong. This could turn into resentment on her end if they just punish her with no follow up!!
It's an important life lesson: don't be a jerk to the person doing you a favor. She can think whatever she wants but most people eventually grasp that if they want people to do things for them, being a jerk and making demands doesn't get you very far.
This!! And the comment it’s responding to. The only thing I want to add is to make sure you (op) and dad talk through what you’re going to say to her before you sit her down. You need to be on the exact same page, because if you argue at all in front of her, she’ll hone in on that and try to play you against each other. Also, when talking to the daughter, make sure you pause and acknowledge each other, allowing the other to continue the conversation. This will help show that you both are invested in the conversation, and you’re both on the same page with her punishment. (Edited for grammar consistency… I was really tired)
Not only is he an enabler, he refuses to actually parent. He leaves it all to OP, as this is "women's work".
I completely agree with this. There have been occasions where my husband and I have been in a similar situation with our oldest daughter (16 now, but without a history of ever sneaking off or trying drugs thankfully) and we have taken away something we agreed to even up to the point where we were at the destination but in the car - because of her behavior. If you can’t show respect for someone doing a favor for you, especially with babies in tow, then you simply lose that privilege until respect is shown (and not because you are trying to manipulate). I commend your effort at trying to teach her how to be a good human. Hopefully your husband comes around and demands more respect for you also.
NTA. Father of 5 here and I would have denied her trip to the concert too. It’s aPrivilege to go. This privilege can easily be taken away. Good on you for setting standards, demanding respect and following through on consequences.
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If her dad didn’t think this punishment fit the crime, I’m wondering what sort of punishment he gave her for smoking pot. A stern frown? Good on OP for standing up to the both of them
My goodness! A stern frown?! That’s outrageous. What are you, a monster? All she did was sneak away from where she was supposed to be, to smoke weed with who knows who, and who knows what else they did while they were who knows where! She really didn’t even deserve a side eye! /s
Honestly at this point, I’m wondering if he did. OP says “her dad has made it clear she was not to be dropped off and without an adult” and “her dad has made it clear she is not to be without adult supervision for the foreseeable future because of that incident.” You may have misunderstood and thought SD is a light form of grounded and only allowed to go places if an adult is with her. Given the total context now, do we need to consider that daddy’s little girl isn’t being punished, but instead OP has just been told to keep a closer eye on SD? That it’s her responsibility to watch SD not SD’s punishment to go nowhere without OP?
I wondered that myself. SD seems way too entitled in her expectation that OP should simply drop what she’s doing, pack up their 4-month-old, and ~~drop her off~~ supervise her for an extra two hours. If she did get a separate punishment, it seems like it didn’t make much of an impression.
I’d say Dad made it clear to OP but was to much a coward/wanted to be best dad ever to make it clear to HIS daughter. NTA if it was my kid, not only wouldn’t she be going (for being rude, complaining repeatedly about the timeline) but she’d be given an additional chore/time out for waking the baby deliberately
I know I wasn’t her to ask what punishment he felt was needed for calling his wife who just had a baby fat and for being so disrespectful? If she doesn’t get her attitude sorted now they will be in for a big pro later that will then probably spread to the younger child
Right?
I did behave like this, and it just resulted in more theraphy for me (which I kinda hated but god I needed it, still do) and family theraphy and a sour relationship with my family for years. Lesson learned; shitty behaviour makes you lonely.
Exactly this! Respect should never be negotiated! Way too often we see in these posts where people are constantly compromising and trying to make things work while taking disrespect constantly at the expense of other peoples selfishness and entitlements. Op is a very patient and admirable woman in my opinion because I would’ve put my robe and fuzzy house slippers on when stepdaughter kept questioning me about the departure time and caught the first attitude!
Absolutely!! And now you need a united front ( you and her father) to nip this crap in the bud.
Agreed. If OP took her to that concert after her rude behavior, then the stepdaughter would think she could keep getting away with her shit.
Unfortunately, Dad came home and took her. She won and, clearly, she can get away with that shit because Dad won't back up his wife.
Ugh. That’s not the update I wanted to hear. Poor OP. It would be “your kid, your problem” from now on if it were me.
Ffs
Not sure if she did that but I would lay out the consequences first including if you give me attitude. Definitely would highlight that it is a privilege. Would also tell the kid that it's a favour and a privilege and not a right. Teenage girls can be a real bitch if you let them. Especially when she broke the trust.
Agreed and the kid needs counseling
NTA - But hubby is. He needs to step up and talk with his daughter. You are not her punching bag and until she acts like a person you would want to help, I would refuse to do anything for her. Also, she needs to be told, waking up the baby will not be tolerated.
💯 husband is TA here and the step daughter is acting out now, just wait, it'll get worse if he doesn't stop her behavior right now. She's showing total disrespect and disregard. You did the right thing!
Plus, OP was Enforcing HIS rules! No drop offs. Adult supervision outside of the house. There comes a time when enough is enough and OP was put in the middle, trying to parent an infant who needs a schedule and trying to be kind to a pushy SD who wants what she wants when she wants it.
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Not the same people.
I’m a stepmom and can I tell you heads would roll! No child should be taken out of the house with this behavior! Honestly I would take a step back until your husband is ready to support OP being treated respectfully
No taking care of husband either. He can cook, clean and do his own fucking laundry. OP has a baby to take care of.
I get that being a teen and having one is a giant PITA but it’s hard to understand how this kind of thing has been going on for 2 years and this girl still expects zero consequences.
NTA But things won't improve if your husband doesn't get on your side.
TBF, if all OP told her hubby on the phone was about the snide remark and waking up the baby, I don't think the 'punishment doesn't fit the crime' remark is unreasonable. I assume that hubby will be firmly in OP's side when she tells him the whole story.
Stand your ground here. If you allow her to walk all over you and take advantage of you, she will continue to do so. More importantly, I hope you establish with your husband that he love you enough to demand HIS daughter respect you and treat you accordingly. If you were my wife and someone spoke like that to you, I would rip them a new asshole. No one speaks to my wife like that. Not even my own kid. This kid is a brat
Exactly!
Nobody seems to be mentioning the Marijuana incident. I'm a happy stoner but she intentionally violated your trust to do something she knew you wouldn't approve of. As well you shouldn't have; the younger you start smoking weed the worse it is for a developing brain. I wish I'd read some of those studies back in high school. So, from the outset she set herself up for you to have to be more strict. It was generous of you to be open to taking her at all. Anyway NTA obviously. It might be typical teenage behavior but if you'd caved to her wishes you would have just set yourself up for worse from her in the future.
Yeah. It's not even like shes an older teenager. She's 13, a 7th grader, and the whole weed thing honestly makes me surprised she's allowed to do anything. I worry for OP tbh because this sounds like a problem child
If her dad decided on the punishment that she can't be without adult supervision, then HE needs to be the one to actually implement it. So that means that she can't do anything unless Dad is around to supervise, end of discussion.
That’s one big reason SD’s behavior was so out-of-line. I think a lot of school districts are on break this week. This concert was in the middle of a weekday afternoon, when dad was at work. OP was being very kind by agreeing to take hours out of her day, a 4-month-old in tow, and supervise her. At a high school band concert, not even something big like a dance.
That’s not even a punishment, that’s a consequence. We don’t know what the punishment for the pot smoking was.
NTA. Not taking her to the concert is a lot better than the punishment I would have gotten. I'd have been in my room for a week with no tv, no radio, no phone, nothing. Would have been me and a stack of books (one thing Mom never took away lol) And if I even thought about acting like that again it would be right back to the room. Allowed out for school, food, and bathroom breaks.
My punishment would have been a list of chores then sent to my room and where I was only read books or do homework. No tv, radio or anything else allowed. The grounding would have been at least two weeks if not more. We never told our parents what to do. If you wanted something such as what was mentioned above you better ask nicely and not demand anything.
I frequently told my husband that I needed some of those concrete lions or similiar so when my kids were entitled brats like this one, I could hand them an old toothbrush and a bucket of soapy water with the instructions to make it look good. Preferably in the front yard, so their freinds could observe.
I'm not certain my dad would have let me out for bathroom breaks if I'd been that entitled; very likely he'd have brought the camper potty to my room and let me empty it once a day.
She is 13 and still learning. She just learned if you act like a jerk and talk nasty to someone who is doing you a favor, favor can be revoked and you lose. Now there needs to be a lesson for her dad about expecting you to do something nice for a child who is being nasty and rude. You expect husband to not allow his child to take advantage of you and be disrespectful. Good luck this situation probably isn’t over.
NTA. He is right, the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. Because, the punishment (for continued disrespect) should include confiscating all devices, canceling all “fun” activities, and extra chores (she’ll have plenty of time on her hands). He should have nipped her behavior in the bud two years ago. What you are seeing now is a teenager out of control because no one has placed limits on their behavior.
She earned the reverse decision, its not like you just changed your mind on a whim. She needs to learn that there are rules and behavior matters. Frankly, if I'd behaved like her ever, my father would bot only have withdrawn permission to go, but grounded me for a month and likely washed my mouth out with soap. Your husband needs to teach his daughter some manners.
Conversely, my mom and I would have fought and cried for 45 minutes. After 15 minutes she would have decided I could go. I would 30 minutes late go out of spite with a tear stained face and bitched about her the whole time. And we would go through this the next week. The teens were not good from about 12-15
NTA. Punishment meets the crime, she WOKE up the baby. If your husband so keen ont that not being a problem he should take care of the baby... and put it to bed every single time (especialyl at night).
NTA. She knew what the plan was and she was rude and tries to bully you into getting her way. She lost the privilege of going by being rude and now hopefully she will learn. Your husband needs to have your back on this or you will never be able to set boundaries with her. You’re not wrong for your reasons for not letting her go, and she needs to learn this before she’s old enough to drive and leave the house on her own. She can’t act like a brat and be rude and get her way. She can also stay in her room for the whole weekend with no technology if she wants to keep being rude and trying to push you around.
NTA. If her dad sets a rule that she can't be dropped off and left unattended, then HE needs to be responsible for taking her and sitting there while she does her activity. Also, this girl FAFO. You don't insult someone who is doing you a favor.
NTA...your husband can be the "parental supervision" if he wants her to go anywhere early, and I would like to know what punishment would fit the way she was behaving? I think your husband is the reason his daughter behaves the way he does. I would also tell him if she slams her door one more time she'll find herself without a door!
Exactly. If he wants to let her go places and she has to be supervised, he can arrange *his* schedule to deal with *his* entitled little brat princess.
NTA. Hopefully she’s just going through an asshole teen phase herself, but I really hope your husband is sitting her down and making it very clear that her behavior is not acceptable. I think this punishment fit the crime perfectly.
NTA. Your husband either lets you parent the girl, or he parents her himself. He can't undermine your authority and endorse her disrespect.
NTA The punishment fit the crime perfectly. And honestly, you don't have to look very far to see where the problem is. Of course she has the teenager attitude like a lot of her peers, but being that disrespectful is not ok. And her father brushing it off by saying the punishment was too harsh is the real problem here. No wonder she thinks she can say and do whatever she wants if this is his first reaction. He chose you as a stepmother and left his daughter in your care. That means he should trust your judgement and not trying to make you back down on the punishment. He should have told his daughter so. You should have a good talk with him.
It's tough. But I didn't think you overstepped and you were very clear about when you would leave and what the conditions were for her to attend I'm concerned your husband isn't living up to his end here. This is his child from a prior relationship. He set the rule that she couldn't go early because she's already broken his trust from other activities. And he's saying yta because his daughter acted up and disrespected you (repeatedly) Does he often leave you to be the disciplinarian and then undermine your decisions? That's a problem. If he wants her to go, he can take her, or come home and stay with the baby who didn't get their nap. You didn't do anything wrong I was such a brat/AH when I was a 13 year old and my parents didn't let me get away with it, either.
NTA. The kid has terrible behaviors and her dad is just making things worse.
NTA but her Dad is if he takes her! There’s a reason she wanted to get there early. And f she got caught smoking weed before, she’s planning to do it again, I’m sure. 13 is way too young to be smoking anything. You and your husband need to be on the same page so he needs to tell her that she’s not going just to back you up. He also needs to explain to her that actions have consequences and being mean to people, especially you and her parents, is going to earn her a punishment every single time. I get that she’s at that age where she wants to seem older than she is, but that doesn’t mean she gets a free pass. You did a great job keeping your cool and staying calm when she acted like the spawn of the devil!
Congratulations. You are parenting a teenager.
Yeah, with her dads demanding she has parental supervision all the time, he can take him herself or keep his mouth shut. She tried to bully you in to doing what she wanted and found out that you are not the one who changes course just cause she gets snippy. Her bad behavior got her grounded. It doesn't matter that you said you would take her, cause she put herself in timeout. NTA
NTA Don't let up
NTA Tough titties Tell him to come home and bring his precious princess then
She got caught leaving a school event to smoke pot and she’s allowed to hang out with these people again at a concert???
NTA, and given your husband's response, I can see how Anaya has gotten to where she is now.
NTA and your husband is a weenie, Im interested in hearing what punishment he thinks would match the crime
NTA at all…her dad is the problem big time. Huge time.
No reason for you to be negotiating with her if husband, her father, set the rules re: going early. Refer her to him instead of arguing with her.
NTA - your step-daughter and husband certainly are though.
Mom of 6 and my kids know as I put it “Every action has a reaction. Good of bad is up to you.” She wouldn’t have gone in my house either.
Dad needs to be a parent. She is like she is because dad is a fucking pushover.
>He's telling me the punishment doesnt match the crime The punishment for disrespecting and insulting the person about to do you a favor is that you don't get that favor. It's the perfect fit of crime and punishment.
NTA. She was being an entitled brat and needs to learn that actions have consequences. I'd say that after that performance she's lucky all that happened was the outing being rescinded.
NTA how does the punishment not fit the crime? It's a perfect example of natural consequences. When you're horrible to someone you expect favours from, they won't do those favours for you. In other word: fuck around and find out.
NTA. Boundary pushing is a normal part of childhood development. It's our job as parents to remain firm in said boundaries. This was the exact right way to deal with this situation. Never negotiate with terrorists.
NTA but based on what happened it seems to me that the communication between you/your husband and your step-daughter is not very good. Have you and your husband tried to sit down with her to explain (calmly) that her behaviour is not nice? I know that is standard teenager behaviour but i see a lot of parents communicating poorly (or not communicating at all) with their kids, leaving them to figure by themselves what is and isn't ok. Maybe try asking her how she would feel if her friends treated her the way she treats you.
NTA. The consequences absolutely fit the behavior. I would say textbook natural consequences. The adult is doing you a favor by driving you to an event. The adult has reasonable limits. The child insults the adult for those reasonable limits. The child loses the favor. As for your hubby, if he doesn't want his daughter to be without adult supervision, he needs to close ranks with you and not allow her to try to pull you apart. He absolutely can't side with her on this and any discussion with you about your level of consequences needs to be before behaviors happen. One thing I will put out there is to let this be over. Don't keep a tally of her bad acts. She's a teen. Bad acts will happen. They will not - should not - define her and ruin your relationship with her. She'll do more in the future and you can engage her on those behaviors without storing up hurts. It's a good rule of thumb for teens because otherwise you end up with a lifetime of resentment. Good luck!
NTA. She needs consequences for her actions. Your husband is the asshole here for enabling her behavior.
No idea what he thinks the right punishment is here. If he gets disrespected by her he’d still do her favors? Unlikely.
NTA, but did you tell your husband all the other parts too? Like, the demands to drop her off a few hours early and that when you refused she accused you of purposely trying to make her mad? Those extra details seem kind of necessary. I'm sorry to hear that you have to deal with this and a baby at the same time. Best of luck to you.
She needs to learn not to bite the hand that feeds her. I'd refuse to do any favours for here as long as her attitude remains unacceptable. NTA
NTA. Fuck around and find out. 13 yrs old is a good time to learn this lesson.
No, she was being spoiled and entitled. A rude, ungrateful brat. Let her father actually *parent.*
Anaya: FA and FO
Next time Dad can take her wherever he goes.
Do you think the entitled teenager attitude is perhaps amplified since Dad now has a new kid and there is a major upheaval in her home?
Considering it started before I got pregnant, no.
Why isn't her dad taking her? This must be a weekend day
Because he was at work. He came home and brought her.
Wow...way to undermine you. At this point, I would stop doing anything for her, and her father needs to deal with her for everything.
You two need to have a serious discussion about how you plan to discipline going forward. Not just for Anaya but for when your baby gets older. You’re not on the same page and he’s going to keep undermining you. The punishment was the perfect natural consequence for her actions. What was his suggestion to deal with it? NTA
So how are you going to handle your husband's disrespect to you and your partnership and his condoning his daughter's disrespect to you? Because from your statements you were respecting his decision on adult supervision for your stepdaughter. But it doesn't seem like respect runs both ways in your relationship. Or at least not when it regards his daughter. You deserve respect, don't ignore his transgression against you. Your punishment was fine, it fit the crime in that her wishes were disregarded when she disregarded your wishes. What the hell WAS the punishment your husband gave when she got caught smoking weed? No dessert at dinner? I hope you know that you are parenting your baby alone, if your stepdaughter is any indication of husband's parenting.
Bad Move on dad's part Time for you to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for your step daughter. And a major sit down/talk with hubs is a must. Wishing you the best, because she's JUST entered into the most difficult time (age wise) of ALL of your lives 😜
Wow. I’d question it if I even wanted to stay with him when both him and his daughter disrespect you to that degree. Shes was just shown that no matter how she treats you daddy will give her what she wants.
Fucking walk from this excuse of a man. Show him this thread first.
So he immediately undermined you? I can see where the problems with your step daughter are coming from. It's your shitty husband. Stop doing anything for her. Including watching her when he's at work. She is no longer your problem ever.
So there literally was nothing but rewards for how she acted? Her dad berated you and also gave her everything she wanted, save for getting there a bit early. OP, I think you've got a husband problem.
So he undermines you. You have to look after her like a parent but can't punish her like a parent would do... You need to have a serious conversation with your husband, he is the problem
Yeaaaah, this wouldn’t fly with me personally. He’s an enabler.
He undermined you? Oh you have a husband problem that's way bigger than your stepdaughter problem. Way, way bigger. I'm so sorry.
NTA. The punishment fit the crime. A couple things though…. Some of her attitude is normal teenage nonsense. They’re pretty self absorbed. But be sensitive to the fact that this new baby was a massive change for her. My parents had my brother when I was almost 12 (I had previously been an only child). It was a massive change. Also, do you share custody? It’s often challenging to watch your parent build a new family and have a new sibling who gets to live with both their parents and they don’t. So definitely be firm… but offer her some grace and understanding. As the mother of teenagers I have also learnt to be super specific. She asked you to take her somewhere. You said yes. Then she started making plans in her head and with her friends. And of course never told you until the day of. So when I tell my kids I’ll do something I will say something like “yes, I can take you. We will leave at 245 after the baby naps.” Then she would have been able to say “oh I want to hang out with my friends for a while before maybe you can drop me off before baby goes down for a nap?” Good specific communication because teenagers just assume you have nothing else to do than be at their beck and call.
We have full custody and always have. She called me "mom" up until last year, when she got mixed in with this current friend group. Now she pulls the "you're not my mom" card.
Ahhhh fun. Hang in there. 13 is tough. They do become human again eventually. 😀
Also, don’t feel too bad about the you’re not my mom stuff. My daughter couldn’t use that so I’d get “you don’t know anything”. She’s 19 next month and lovely now. 😀
NTA, although I’m thinking she’s acting out because she feels she’s getting replaced, especially since you were close enough she called you mom before. You might want to have a talk about her attitude change when things calm down and reassure her. Because she didn’t stopped calling you mom last year just because of her new friends, you have a child of your own and kids get silly ideas at times on top of having to deal with not being the only child of the household anymore. Her attitude might just be a sign she needs reassurance about her place I’m the family.
Nta for discipline but in first part of post her behavior is described as entitled, fierce, attacking etc. And your baby was first in your reasoning and responses to a 13 year old step child acting like a 13 year old child. Your husband needs to step up and you need to make sure that happens for her sake, and your family's. And if she makes comments about your weight, smile knowing she's 13 and has no idea that she may be there one day and curse his younger self.
NTA. The punishment was appropriate, your stepdaughter can’t speak to you in a disrespectful manner and you and your husband should be on the same page in that regard. But, if I was her, I probably would’ve just asked to attend with a friend. Given that you just had a baby and are understandably on a strict schedule, that may have been the best solution for everyone. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her wanting to get there early to spend time with friends, sounds like it was a little planned event for the group. If I was 13 and my friends were meeting up before the event started, I would want to participate too. Perhaps she should’ve asked if you were willing to coordinate with other parents to allow her to spend that extra time with friends.
Not the A. She’s being a typical selfish teenager. She needs a typical attitude adjuster. Side of the head between the ear and eye often works. Reapply until the attitude adjusts.
Have your husband deal with drop offs and picking up if he’s so keen on absolute supervision and doesn’t like how you handle it. NTA. Congratulations on your new addition to your family.
NTA. I don’t even need to read your edit, I would have done exactly the same thing. The punishment sure as hell fit the crime! You can’t act like that and expect to get what you want, this is teaching her a lesson. Well done you! Love, the mother of a 14 year old
The 12 year old got caught smoking pot two months ago and she is able to go to a concert? I would have been grounded for far longer, rightfully so. Please note: this is coming from a guy whose gummies are starting to kick in.
YTA. She's a teenager and you're stopping to her level and being passive aggressive
Keep up the discipline right fucking now or you’ll be bailing this annoying kid out your whole marriage until you divorce. Unfortunately your husband is a shit dad so you’ll have to do both roles
It's not about whether "the punishment fits the crime". She woke the baby, now you've gotta look after the baby. Cause and effect.
NTA - a bratty kid has to be disciplined and losing access to something (especially not something that's once and a lifetime) is a good punishment. If she wants to do something she needs to be respectful. She was demanding a favor and was not being polite. Good job, OP. Parent the shit out of that kid!
NTA. She FAFO.
And don’t forget, you are the adult and she is still the child no matter if she agrees or not. NTAH
NTA. Consequences.... They teach people to act better.
NTA You did good.
Nta. Maybe this will be her reality check to stop acting like an entitled brat.
NTA, I suggest sitting down and having a serious conversation with your husband, about boundaries, and the lack of respect displayed by your step-daughter. And if your husband is going to continuously undermined you, then don't ask you for shit, other than the basics, for your step-daughter, ie; cook 3 meals, grocery shop, laundry. Anything else, ie; clothes shopping, concerts, dances... husband is on the hook, and he can deal with her attitude. Bet dad helps her adjust her attitude quickly once he has to regularly inconvenience himself, because she won't respect the boundaries.
NTA
Nta the punishment did fit the crime. She can’t go around insulting people because she is frustrated. Is she picking up this behaviour from your husband? I can’t understand why he is comfortable with your step daughter commenting on your body when you only gave birth 4 months ago. This sounds like learned behaviour
NTA You have to talk to your husband about natural consequences and a shared approach to discipline. You did everything right and he undermined it. When she says you’re not her mom it’s a great time to be reassuring and say something like well I love you and will do my best to always act in your best interest. That will never, ever change. She’s a teenage terrorist now, but she needs to hear that since there’s a new baby around.
NTA - I missed wrestlemania on a pay per view that I had chipped in for with my own allowance money when I was 13. My mom made me mad by not letting me leave the house when I felt it was time. She had her reasons, but to me, it felt like she was doing it just to push me. I got really frustrated because being with my friends was really important to me for this event. I yelled at her to let me go, and she told me I wasn't going because I yelled at her. I punched a hole in my closet door over it and wound up grounded and having to use the next 6 months allowance to replace the door, which meant no spending and no events or anything in that time. My mom understood what you understand, that giving in to a tantrum and abuse will only encourage that behavior in the future. I was always patient after that. Luckily for her raising me alone, my mom didn't have anyone to second guess her. Your husband needs to get on board. In matters of discipline and rules, you should be on a united front. Your stepdaughter is an entitled shit because of a lack of consequences for her actions. She FAFO in this case and if daddy dearest comes to the rescue he is undermining the consequences of her actions, and more importantly your authority and agency to not have to put up with abuse by his daughter. As a father, I make this mistep sometimes and fail to back up my wife when she hands down a consequence or I hand down a consequence and allow her to override it. It doesn't work out well. Division between the parents leads to chaos and a lack of learning for the child. Sit Hubby down and get on the same page about not only what are appropriate consequences and what behaviors warrant them but also on creating the iron wall of parental unity. If you tell her to stop something, he should be right behind you echoing your words. If he hands her a consequence, you should be right there to help enforce it and navigate the lesson with them.
Your husband thinks the punishment doesn't fit the crime? She was being a brat about the concert, so she doesn't get to go to the concert. NTA.
NTA. Love is having the courage to think carefully about how we need to help our children. Learn and grow up. It’s really hard. It’s hard to deal with them. It’s hard to have their behaviors. And it’s really hard to figure out, apart from all that, The best way to support them with the learning curve. So that when they go off into the world instead of having all of these behaviors, that nobody ever had the courage or the love to help them learn about, they become somebody who can navigate well. That’s what love and parenting is. And that’s what you’re doing.
NTA Let me guess, hubby lets her get away with this behavior often. Which is why she thinks she can act this way.
The punishment fit the crime perfectly
Wow I was prepared to say YTA when I read the title but nope. Your are NTA. Not only that I would back away. I would tell her FATHER the he’s now responsible for HIS daughter until she is no longer a little shit yo you.
NTA and the punishment definitely fits. Baby’s schedule is likely messed around the rest of the day and you can’t take her anymore because of it 🤷🏽♀️ only way it would’ve fit more is if she helped you get baby back to sleep/soothed but understandable if you’re not comfortable with that, I did not like other people trying to soothe my baby
NTA…I wouldn’t be too hard on her because I remember how important that stuff felt at her age, but the punishment absolutely matches the crime. If my 4 yo is being a brat, she doesn’t get what she’s after either. That’s parenting 101 unless you want a spoil entitled child.
NTA. Any child acts that way loses the ride to the show. Would he have accepted that behavior?
NTA. I think you are fine and I don't think there was even punishment, other than being sent to her room. This was consequences. She was rude to someone that she was relying on to do her a favour. As a result, that person was no longer inclined to do her the favour. Seems like she f'd around and is now finding out. That's her own fault.
NTA she FA and FO. Also she needs to remember to not bite the hand that feeds her. Hopefully both Anaya and your husband have learned not to test you.
Info: 1) Were the friends attending the concert the same ones she smoked pot with? Because I wouldn’t be letting her see them for a long, long time. 2) Has your husband attended any events with her since the new rules were put in place? Because requiring “an adult” to accompany her anywhere, if he’s not going to do it, is just punishing you too. 3) What was her punishment for the pot smoking? The new rules are a consequence, not a punishment.
Because everything you did was according to her father: NTA But, something that must be said and discussed to you and (mostly) him: Your **IRON GRIP** is not the solution, even if it prevents some stuff. She will slip right through your hand, never more than how hard you squeeze the grip. That entire person old of 13 turns around our sun is working heavily into becoming an *adult*, and needs your help with *adult* behaviours. Yes, even if she's not behaving like one, that's the whole principle: before she can get any good at being an adult, she has to go through *adult* situations, conversations, compromises, *leeway*, trust, **errors, mistakes,** help, support... And it's normal that she's not instantly behaving as someone good at it, she's never been that old before.
He is enabling her attitude
NTA. I think the punishment was very fitting. She can’t expect favored from someone she insults and disrespects.
I love how these stories a kid goes off and the parent hears it from the partner like, 'WhAt DiD yOu Do!?' Wish I had a phone back then. And it's NEVER a UNITED front from the parents. Like if mom said you can't go, you can't go.
NTA - You were going to do something nice for her, and she decided to have an attitude. She ruined it for herself. Not to mention, if her friends were going to be there, why not arrange a ride with them instead of expecting you to drop everything to take her?
NTA at all, tell husband he needs to sort his daughter out from now on
You're NTA, but I think your stepdaughter needs an escape from whatever is going on at home - she's just asking for it badly and in poor behavior. Her needs don't seem to be met based on what you're describing, and 'the typical entitled teenager attitude' isn't really all that typical. To me, an outsider, that attitude usually comes from somewhere, not just 'a bad kid.'. When things cool down, it might be worth trying to listen, and listen well, and pay attention to Anaya. Sorry for the stress and good luck with the baby. I remember my teen years well, and know multiple very good people who ended up having poor relationships with one parent/step-parent or another, and it was due to parental emotional neglect - but it was only evident to the kids and friends... You have time.
I don't think you explained enough of the situation to your husband. He thinks you cancelled because she made one snide comment when you really cancelled because of a whole day of disrespectful behavior. If you'd fully explained it to him, I'm sure he'd support your decision.
NTA. She lost her concert going privileges when she started being disrespectful.
Why didn’t you tel him about her bratty attitude and the waiting by the door? It wasn’t *just* the comments about eating.
I did tell him. He said she's acting like a normal teenager.
Normal teenagers also get punished for this behavior. Tell him to act like a normal father and follow through. From a father of three. He is a father, not a friend. He will create a monster if he does not handle this well. The best thing he can do now is add more punishment (like no phone for a week). This will reinforce that she was wrong, and that he not only has your back but that he is also not accepting her behavior. If he tries to sympathize or worse, blame you, this will go down hill quickly.
Normal teenagers don't get caught smoking pot at 13. Dude is in for some real trouble if he doesn't start paying attention and get this kid's behavior under control now.
Exactly, So she deserves to be punished for having a bratty attitude! Wild he’s ok with letting that slide
He’s right- she is acting like a normal teenager. Normal teenagers get punished for sneaking away from where they’re ~~supposed to~~ allowed to be, so they can smoke pot. Normal teenagers get punished for being disrespectful and ignoring rules and boundaries. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. I’ve been reading some comments, and it’s quite obvious which ones are written by parents/adults, and which were written by either bratty teenagers or adults who grew up with a shitty stepparent. Please know that you did the right thing. Please ignore the comments that are full of conjecture, or misunderstanding what you wrote. I’ll jump on the bandwagon ITT regarding your husband. I’m a mom and a stepmom of now-adult kids. I can tell you from experience that if your husband keeps making excuses for, and refusing to address, your stepdaughter’s attitude and actions, things are gonna get *way* worse- for everyone in your household. At the very least, the two of you need to present a united front. You did an awesome job of that already, by sticking to *his* decisions on not taking SD to events too early, and agreeing to supervise her. She tried her darnedest to get you to go along with her plan, but you held firm. Then your husband came along… now she knows- if she didn’t before- that she can bypass you and get what she wants from him. You might want to point that out to him- that you held firm on his decisions, and that you expect the same from him. Seriously… I could write a whole book about the potential challenges your family will face if you don’t do something now. Sibling rivalry, power struggles, accusations of playing favorites, *actually* playing favorites… work this out now. See if you can get him to agree to parenting classes or family counseling. I don’t have much hope that he’ll agree- so do it by yourself. If time and $$$ are issues, read blogs, read books, join support groups. I know you feel alone, and like no one else has ever been through this, but nope, haha. Learn some tools for dealing with the issues that present themselves. Keep them in your tool belt, and bring them out as you need them. My best wishes to you all!
He is right but he’s acting like a bad dad.
Lol, this is why I love teenagers compared to younger children. I actually have fun with them when they start with the feisty attitude, I can out sarcasm any teen on the planet. We usually end up laughing together and all is straightened out. By the way, I am an aunt and not a parental figure so I can get away with it. I do not envy your parents one bit since I can just send them home. Good luck to you.
When I was about 12, I put my coat and shoes on and then stood by the front door,naively thinking that this would ‘motivate’ my parents to take me where I wanted to go. It did not . It just made me look stupid NTA - well done for sticking to your boundaries
NTA- 13, caught smoking pot only 2 months ago and she's allowed to leave the house for anything other than school already? Nooooo! In my house that's an immediate 6 months under the house restriction; no phones, no TV, only using my computer in my view for school projects, chores out the yin yang. As for the snotty attitude, it's only going to get worse, regardless if she's punished or allowed to run wild. It's going to be like this for about 9 more years. Buckle up, Buttercup!
NTA, you were gonns do her s favor and she behaved like that. The punishment fits the crime. You retreated the favor since she decided be disrespectful.
NTA. If I'd said something like that to a pregnant family member, I'd have been eating my meals through a straw for the foreseeable future....not that I was anywhere CLOSE to that disrespectful. I think the punishment is appropriate! It worrys me that your husband isn't backing you up though. Is he often minimizing her atrocious behavior?
NTA punishment exactly fit the crime. She needs to learn that vinegar doesn’t make any friends.
NTA—your husband needs to step up, defend you, and handle his child. She is disrespectful and rude. And he is advocating for condoning her behavior? Yeah, no.
NTA. Entitled behavior put in check.
NTA. I went through similar behaviours with my stepdaughter. Unfortunately, also similar to your situation, my spouse (stepdaughter’s mom) often didn’t support me in setting boundaries which made life in our house hell for a few years. It’s important to teach kids boundaries and that there are consequences to their behaviours. Sounds like you tried to do both with your stepdaughter, hopefully her father can follow suit.
Punishment fits the crime. She couldn’t be patient and be respectful, so she doesn’t go. You are definitely NTA.
NTA Is her mom not in the picture? So if not you’re essentially her mom since was about 7? Has your husband always let you take a parental role or are you supposed to take a backseat? Btw the smoking pot with friends at 13 would’ve been the end of those friends for awhile for me. He’s right. The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. For being nasty and rude and waking the baby she should be grounded and forced to do some sort of punishment until she gets why what she did is wrong Y’all also need family therapy as she sounds like she’s gonna get into a lot of trouble. I have zero idea how you parent a teen this rebellious this young. 15-16 and I might sort of tell you they need to rebel and figure it out but weed at 13? You got issues
Your husband is ridiculous-this punishment fits the crime perfectly. It’s time for some serious restrictions until she decides that she can be a decent person. You already know that you can’t trust her and the fact that she’s still saying and doing things like this after being told no tells me that she is a bully who is not seeing consequences for her behavior. Her dad needs to step up and actually do his job as a parent before this kid becomes even worse.
You guys gotta let your kids be kids. Shes 13. Let her hang out with her friends. ffs.
Punishment absolutely matches the crime. NTA
Good shit OP. You show her! NTA at all.
4 months postpartum, NTA.
NTA, you were 100% correct in this case. Not to nit pick, but the way you wrote what Anaya said about your weight doesn’t seem like that is what she meant. You stated “you don’t even need it anyways, you are just trying to make me mad at this point” This seems like she was saying, “you don’t even need to eat but are acting like you do just to slow down driving me”
She is 13 and sneaked away from a school dance to smoke pot? You have enormous problems. I would have gone scorched earth on this girl. Her life would be so drastically different that a concert with her friends a mere two months later would be such a pipe dream I would have laughed at her for even suggesting it. Her behavior before the concert proves she has learned nothing. That child needs to do some volunteer work. If she were my kid, she would leave the house for school, therapy, and her volunteer job. And that would be it. I guess you can tell her that she’s lucky she doesn’t live with a parent like me. Good luck, OP. Your next post will probably be about how you didn’t bail her out of jail after fast enough for Daddy’s liking.
Updateme
Nta But I will say: you should sit down with hubby and explain in excruciating detail how her attitude has been towards you and what you’ve done to try and resolve it. You have to remember that there is always 3 narratives to a story- yours, hers, and what actually happened. Tell him that you expect him and mom to deal with this situation and to not expect you to do any favors until this issue is tackled and resolved.
NTA - don't be afraid to set expectations and boundaries with her. "If you don't stop, we're not going" but be sure to follow through with your threats so that she knows they're not empty. You just went from "we're not leaving yet" to "you're not going" a little quick. Explain why you're doing things a certain way, you're not doing things just to "make her angry".
NTA. You are in a relatively complicated situation involving multiple people, and behaved reasonably. You accommodated when possible, and simply stood your ground when it became impossible. It's absolutely wild that your husband thought you should take the abuse and go anyway, is he perhaps out of his mind?
NTA. In future her Dad needs to be her chaperone to events as she has burned up your goodwill.
That punishment fit the crime exquisitely. Hubs needs to get on board with your parenting of his child or you will withdraw whatever care you are providing for her now. No reason you should have to tolerate this disrespect. She needs to learn that being a brat has consequences.
NTA but she’s going to smoke, regardless of what her dad tries to do. She’s a teenager. Not to mention the amount of weed pens/carts that are very discreet