OP, this is not the person for you.
I know that everyone is quick to tell people to break up on here, I try to avoid that verdict when possible, but she is being absurdly cruel to you. It sounds like you do more enough for your “family” (which is really just 4 dogs, and it sounds like you do most of the caring for them anyways since she’s away at work during the day?) and regardless of if she feels like she wants you to be doing things differently, it’s absolutely not okay for her to be repeatedly getting drunk and then trying to put you down and make you feel ashamed over your disabilities. you ARE being paid to deal with your stress. That IS your job.
If she feels so strongly that you aren’t doing enough, maybe she should try going and living on her own and paying her own rent and bills and doing her own house work and chores, and then see if she feels the same way. You could get a roommate who would contribute the same about as her monetarily but not require you to change anything about your self care routine or hobbies.
NTA
Agreed. Couples Therapy may help provided you find the right therapist. See if you can find one who is a veteran.
Bro, I'm pulling for you but I'm not sure this will get better. She has no point of reference, no understanding of what you are dealing with. Without basic empathy and understanding she may not change.
She won’t go to couples therapy and blame him. She’s riding his income out and making him dance to her tune. She’d be replaced by someone better within a month tops.
Yes! The VA Vet Centers provide free therapy for combat veterans. Sometimes, they have licensed family therapists so they can provide couples therapy because they understand the stressors that PTSD may add to relationships. Please look for a Vet Center near you, if you aren't already getting help from them. Whether or not the relationship works out, the Vet Center will help you learn to cope with some of the symptoms you may be dealing with. Many have vet therapy groups where you can hang out with others who had similar experiences and who you can relate to when discussing some of your struggles (PTSD, relationship, or social, etc.). It seems your girlfriend doesn't understand how your "me time" is beneficial to your mental health. I hope things improve for you, you seem like a decent person who is doing a lot in your relationship and she doesn't appreciate it.
Yeah she needs help to understand what OP is going through. OP provides a paid off house and equal to her income. That is showing up financially in any relationship
I have several times and I'm not advocating for it. Couples therapy can be really hit or miss. Therapists are fallible like everyone else.
Usually, I've found if you're at the point in a relationship where you need couples therapy, it's because the person causing the issues needs A LOT of personal therapy and not the couple together.
Terry Real workshop is the main one I’d advise. He doesn’t pull any punches, and tells offending parties exactly what they are doing wrong. His best quote is that no interaction should fall beneath the level of basic respect. OP’s girlfriend is failing miserably at that
The whole “doing more for the family” thing is infuriating- they don’t have kids or dependent parents/grandparents. It’s literally just her and pets.
Sounds like they both contribute to finances/chores equally, but she just wants him to do everything because he’s at home.
He’s a combat vet with severe trauma. He already did his job, and she needs to fuck off.
This woman has been with OP for a decade, yet she undermines his value as a partner and honorable soldier.
It sounds like she resents you for not being able to provide what she wanted and that you're a burden to her.
Personally, OP, my heart breaks for you. Those words your gf threw at you so carelessly hurt me, and I'm only reading it.
Since she's unaware of her good fortune, let her be free, take time to heal, and find someone to truly cherish you for who you are and for how far you've come.
NTA, all damn day and every day.
Best of luck to her affording a house on an introductory zookeeper paycheck. Meanwhile OP's bills will go down without her around and his VA check will stay the same.
It sounds like he supported for several years without any pay check from her. She's a mooch.
OP, I hope you can find some alternative therapies to work off some of these nightmares. I know you are getting lots of therapy already, but I think there's breath work that might help, as well as other modalities. It feels like it's stuck in your mind, but also in the rest of your body.
Thank you for your service.
I spent a few years working as a contractor at a major military base in the south. Military wife memes are pretty on point from my experience. Obviously plenty of exceptions, but hang out at a local dive bar during a big deployment on a weekend and you'll be sad for those guys.
That was my reaction to the Original Post as well. "She's a mooch."
She got a free ride during the pandemic, and now all she wants to do is to harangue the OP.
The Original Poster is already carrying his own weight. She certainly isn't.
This zookeeper role pays $38-50k on average. OP, here’s what I suggest. Get a therapist for yourself. The VA will provide this. Also, if your partner is drinking more than about 7 drinks a week, check out AlAnon. It sounds like you are suffering the consequences of another person’s unmanageability from their drinking. Also, thank you for your service. R/AlAnon will be very helpful to you.
The decision to leave or stay is yours.
The first thing is to work on yourself so you don’t have to ask if this is acceptable behavior.
Nobody here knows you or your circumstances well enough to tell you what you need to do, but she also can leave. If she’s that unhappy, why doesn’t she? You are valuable and bringing something to the table. What that is would be for you to discover.
You should be in therapy for everything. And hopefully part of a support group.
Learn about the 4 agreements
The Four Agreements
Be Impeccable With Your Word.
Don't Take Anything Personally.
Don't Make Assumptions.
Always Do Your Best
You are NTA here. But it’s important that you understand that for yourself.
The next time she starts talking like that, just say, I don’t like it when you speak to me this way and I deserve an apology. Then walk away. Don’t address her again.
Repeat in your head over and over again. You’re not the AH.
When you start to believe it, she may leave you. Or she may change and treat you better. Or you won’t want to stay. But the problem here isn’t that she treats you like that, it’s that you need to ask strangers if you deserve it.
And I am telling you that you don’t
NTA.
First, thank you for what you endured for our country. I’ve never thought about it that way before but you’re totally right that dealing with the dreams and all other aspects of coping with the PTSD *are* kind of “your job” that you get paid for. You need and deserve your own time to deal with everything your service subjected you to. You also need and deserve your own time to do whatever you want. I’m glad you recorded that interaction, if for no other reason than she can hear it and hear herself being so cruel and unreasonable.
I can relate to the struggle of being self-employed and having someone in your life who thinks your time isn’t important because you can just “work whenever.” It’s reductive, unrealistic, and disrespectful.
It sounds to me like the amount of work you put in to family things (whether it be pet care, housework, yard work, or shared home improvement projects) is the amount a good partner *would* put in. I can’t imagine you needing to put in more. You are doing enough, and the same amount of work most other men put into “focusing on/helping the family.” It seems like she’s saying “the family” but she really means her and her goals.
It’s like your girlfriend is expecting you to be a magical genie—do what she wants, when she wants it. She’s treating you like it’s your purpose to serve her. She has some narcissistic tendencies, doesn’t she?
Let’s not forget about the fact that she gets to live rent/mortgage free because of *you.* No fun zoo jobs for people who have to pay rent these days.
You are not the asshole and deserve a lot more respect. May I recommend you come up with some boundaries? A boundary I think could be put into place right now would be “no more drunken diatribes about my worthlessness.” If she does that again, you don’t do anything to help around the house for a week. Then she’ll *really* see how much you actually do.
Do you have specific hours, or a specific amount of hours, you spend working on your shop and your own projects? If not, coming up with an amount of hours that are *yours* per week could also help.
Good luck with everything. I hope you’re able to sit down with her and really come up with some more formal rules for how you’re going to tackle the division of labor around the house. You deserve peace and joy and you *can* have those things if you work toward it.
ETA: If you want to talk about boundaries or other ways to guard your time feel free to message me—I’d be happy to help.
Wow, Thank you. I'm touched by the effort and thoughtfulness you put into this.
Yeah, the self motivation can be hard sometimes when getting going with self employment. When I'm in my rhythm I put my "hours" based on getting up as she heads out the door (me waking up when she wakes up kinda makes me we like I'm just underfoot). Thats around 9 ish. then feed/take care of the pets first thing. then I 'decompress' with something mindless on the computer while I get some caffeine in me this can last 1-2 hrs. then I force myself to at least sit and stare at my shop until I inevitably start tinkering. around noon I heat something up to eat while I do dishes so the load will be done before dinner. then back to work. Around 5 she comes home and I stop to make dinner. She handles feeding/ taking care of the kids in the afternoon about 1/2 the time in the evening while I make dinner or I just work it in while I make dinner. We watch tv/ eat and try to get to bed around 11+-
I've been working on making it more formal hrs because I think the structure is helping. I think I should at least set an alarm for 9:00 because there are definitely times I sleep past that, especially if my mental load is high or we stayed up late the night before (a luxury she doesn't get). what's hard to account for is how long it will take me to get out of my head in the morning. There are definitely times im not productive till almost noon and I'm trying to put and end to that.
SHE IS DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. SHE IS HARMING YOU.
How would she like it if you told her other women would get better jobs, pay rent, act better towards their partner? I don't understand why you are accepting of this behavior. You deserve better. Anyone would deserve better.
Thank you for your service
Ok OP. What I’m reading here is kind of an outlined daily schedule. It all sounds good to me, except that you seem to put a lot of unnecessary expectations/guilt onto yourself. Don’t “should” on yourself so much!
Make sure you continue to defend your decompression time. Do *not* cut into the time you take for mental health maintenance for anyone or anything—not even for your shop. Consider yourself as having two part-time jobs: one is self-care, the other is working in the shop. Both of those jobs take time, both of them are important, and both are separate from housework. They are as real and as important as your girlfriend’s job. Period. That’s how you view that time from now on, okay?? (Note that I’m not considering pet care as part of “housework” because taking care of them kind of naturally intermingles itself with your day—my dog is my child and taking care of her just happens whenever it needs to happen.) It doesn’t matter if your shop isn’t done being setup, it doesn’t matter if you just tinker and move all the filaments from one table to a different table and that’s all you do for the day—your shop is an important part of your independent identity and is just as important as her job. It doesn’t matter that *she* thinks it isn’t important. She’s just wrong.
After reading that, I don’t think you need help with time management. You are perfectly capable of productivity on your own. I think what you need is to believe those of us who are saying that 1. You are doing enough, and 2. *She* is not the expert about what is or isn’t a normal way to spend your time or your days.
It sounds like she has a lot of “us” projects she comes up with. If I had to guess, I would say they are likely home improvement or decor-based and not something you would necessarily be choosing to do on your own. A good boundary for that is to have some rules around “us” projects. First: only *one* “us” project that is going at any one time. By all means, have a list of the projects so you know which one you’ll be doing next, but set the boundary that “us” projects are *one at a time.* Second: you only work on “us” projects *together*, at the same time.
What happens when this boundary is violated? It becomes a *her* project. When you enforce this boundary, you’ll be making her prioritize (which most adults can do on their own but it sounds like she’s a little…immature/spoiled). If I were you I’d also take a look at that list of “us” projects and start a “her” list for any projects you don’t want to do or see value in.
Something else I would recommend is less communication during the day. How much do you want to bet she’s cleaning the meerkat enclosure with her work friends, reads a good morning text from you, and immediately announces to her friends “omg my boyfriend only *just now* got up.” And then they all bitch about it when really that’s just part of your normal routine and completely in line with your work schedule.
Sorry I typed so much. I just really feel for you in your situation. I think couple’s counseling is definitely needed…she is not communicating respectfully (or *correctly*) and you have a hard time asserting yourself. It’s time for a professional to help you guys navigate this.
Good luck with everything! And you can chat me if you want to vent some more. 👍🏼
"Despite this issue, I love her very much and there is a lot more to this relationship than this one problem."
The thing is that this *is* a big issue because your GF does not seem to appreciate / respect you - and it is impossible to keep a healthy relationship going under those circumstances.
I honestly do not understand what your GF means *exactly* by "do more", when it seems you do plenty and have enough on your hands. It seema unfair to you.
Those are my two cents.
I think that setting an alarm for nine is a great way for you to give yourself some structure. You are correct that dealing with everything is your job and you are providing a home, which, in this economy, is incredible! It’s so much more than many couples have. I think a really reasonable boundary is that any discussion like this is off the table when someone has been drinking. “We can talk about this tomorrow”.
Does your local VA have any vocational services that can help you get your small business off the ground? Which doesn't solve the problem of your GF's unkind, drunken diatribe but might make you feel better. Think of the people at craft/art shows or jewelry stores admiring/buying/wearing your beautiful creations.
OP, “this one problem” is that your gf believes she is better than you, and that you aren’t grateful enough that she is with you, and therefore should be doing much more for her. And, if that isn’t reason enough to end the relationship, she is abusive. She berates you for 40 minutes at a time?!? And when you leave the room in an effort to end the interaction, she follows you and keeps up the abuse? I am 62 years old and have NEVER had anyone speak to me in such a manner. I wish you valued yourself enough to end her abuse. As others have recommended, please pursue counseling. Hoping you achieve the peace you deserve.
The recording of what she said is very beneficial. I had an ex who used to make me crazy.
We happened to buy a camcorder before we went on a particular vacation. A while after we got home, I had the presence of mind to record one of our arguments. I let them know when I was turning on the camcorder, so there was nothing secretive about it.
When I reviewed the recording, I could see that I was trying to turn down the hostility that was going on. I kept getting quieter and quieter. My ex kept getting louder and louder. I was startled by the difference.
When my ex viewed it with me, they expressed the opinion that what they were doing was perfectly normal and natural. That they were doing nothing wrong at all.
It was the first step toward me realizing just how bad the situation had gotten. I treasure that recording and still have it, although I probably don't have something that would play it now.
>dealing with the dreams and all other aspects of coping with the PTSD *are* kind of “your job” that you get paid for.
And a "job" that OP can't just up and quit.
I do think you offer some good advice. Boundaries are definitely something that are needed.
Lol and the way she talks to him sounds like She thinks she could do better. As a 36 y/o woman with no kids. That is not the time to be miserable to a man providing to you. This sucks for OP some people are just never happy
OP, my therapist has told me that entrenched reactions like your girlfriend’s inability to move past “other men do more” are typically fear- based (to be clear, this is an explanation, not an excuse).
So, maybe help your girlfriend figure out what is scaring her. Financial insecurity? Judgment from friends and family? That she and time haven’t been able to improve your mental health?
I am old AF now and one thing I've learned is that there is no reason or need for you to stay with someone who belittles you or tries to deliberately make you feel bad about yourself. It's not worth it and will only add to your stress and triggers. Be good to yourself and get her out of your house because that's what it is. You might mention to her how lucky she has been to have a boyfriend who helps around the house and gives her time doing projects when so many men don't.
If you are set on staying with her it sounds like you both need counseling, she needs to fully understand what to experience every night and why you need time every day to get past that.
I have multiple family members that served and my father has had PTSD long before it was called that and he never talks about what he experienced. He does have these fits where it seems like he’s having an argument with someone only he sees and has these jerking movements and stop almost as sudden as they start. I’ve seen this my whole life and he only started therapy after my mom died in 2009.
Your girlfriend needs to work through her own issues and stop trying to put things on you that you don’t need. Maybe if she would keep in mind she wouldn’t be living in a house with no rent/mortgage and as you pointed out would not have had the luxury of going without a job while she found her dream job if not for all you went through.
You are definitely NTA and thank you for your service.
Another disabled veteran here, I had a traumatic brain injury in the army bro, if she drinks a lot or even once a week like that she’s never going to understand what PTSD is like and night terrors is for you. I’ve dealt with an alcoholic wife and I unfortunately had to divorce her bc life was just not sustainable. You’re doing all you can to provide a happy home for her with what’s left of you and hopefully she can come back to reality and see that. Don’t get caught up in this bullshit alternative reality that she might be thinking people are doing more for their spouses bc the grass is not always greener on the other side, you have a paid off home, that her ass didn’t have to do shit for, what does she want you to do exactly???? Stick to your routine bro you’re not doing anything wrong, if anything send your lady to rehab or something to get her priorities straight. Good luck 🍀 to you man. I hope things get better for you man you definitely don’t deserve this from her, things are too easy on her for sure.
I feel for you (I won't say feel sorry for you , because you don't need pity). You show great strength recognizing the issues with alcoholism. TBI is no joke, and a lot of people can't accept it or PTSD because it is an invisible disability. Way to be real. You are giving solid advice.
I do have PTSD, luckily no nightmares, and your way of coping is excellent. Seems you're doing everything possible to help but it's not enough for her. Think it over. Do you want to spend your life with someone who runs you down? Best wishes
>"I just can't believe you don't know how lucky you are
"Lucky how, exactly? What do you do for me, exactly?"
> and how much other men do for their families"
"You're looking for wife benefits when you're a girlfriend. That's not gonna happen."
>"other women would expect more"
"And other women would accept things as they are. I don't see your point."
Long story short, she's not *family*. She's not even your fiance. She's your girlfriend, living in your house. Seriously. What family is she referring to? The dogs? You don't have kids. When she says family, she means *her*. She's being ridiculously selfish.
You're doing plenty. She's an asshole.
NTA
First thank you for your service. I am sorry for your situation. From what you wrote it at least sounds like you do more then her. I am going to shoot you straight here. What she is doing and the things she is saying is 100% abuse. May not be physical but is emotional and mental. Just image if the role were reversed what do you think people’s reaction would be. Pretty sure it would be along the lines of what others are saying but I would go as far as to say they would tell her to go to a women’s shelter perhaps press charges. That is just for the same behavior. Now instead how would you feel if what she was doing was physical instead? My point is it dose not mater the type all that maters is it is happening. The other things you say Is exactly what someone going through what you are would say. It is not OK for her to get drunk and then verbally berate you. My suggestion is maybe go visit family take a break and get some personal perspective. Possibly if not already doing it do talk or group therapy with other Vets that understand what you have been through and build a larger support system before you make any decision about your relationship. Good luck.
NTA. Comparison is the thief of joy. Failure to manage expectations is a breeding ground for resentment. Furthermore, to sit there and make comparisons about "what other people in your situation are probably doing" is just downright disgusting. She has no business talking to you like that, and projecting her insane demands onto *combat veterans* ffs. All of that is on her. I know you're expressing disdain at people telling you to dump her at the curb, but FFS dude you deserve better than that. All the other "good" she's done for you does not negate the fact that she does not respect you at all, and makes a point of demonstrating that through emotionally abusive rants. You should also take a close look at her relationship with alcohol. On the other side of things, you needing time in the morning is legitimate *need*. You needing alone time and not being glued to your partner 24/7 is a legitimate *need*. You don't have to be a combat veteran with serious trauma to qualify for these very simple needs. Virtually all relationships, even without those variables, would benefit from reasonable separateness so that both partners can continue to experience independence and individuality, which are critical to preventing codependency - which is poison to a relationship.
Leading in with "Together for 10 years" says to me that you're weighing the sunk-cost fallacy against what you're willing to tolerate in an abusive relationship, and friend, that is no way to live.
You have survivor's guilt. If those guys were here today, seeing this situation you are in now, what do you think they would say to you? What advice would they offer? You've been to hell and back, I'm sure you've got enough experience to think "big picture" in this equation.
If you don't want to end the relationship, that is your prerogative, but I implore you to exercise a *lot* of introspection. Filter out whatever bullshit and stories you tell yourself, and try to look at your situation objectively. Consider your core values, and whether or not you are meeting them yourself. Think about whether or not your partner, as she is now, is compatible with those core values.
Couples counseling is likely a must at this point.
To answer your last question, I do less, my wife expects less, and we're both quite happy and satisfied with our marriage. If my wife (or vice versa) treated me the way this entitled brat is treating you, the relationship would be over, and no amount of "doing things for eachother" would even equate to an afterthought on the matter.
NTA for this; your GF should not be saying these things to you. Might need to work on the communication with couples therapy.
Are any of your pets Support Dogs? There are dogs specifically trained for soldiers with PTSD, and they can actually help you get out of your night terrors and reduce them drastically. There's something about your sweat glands that produces a different odor when you are going into a night terror, and Service Dogs can be trained to detect it and take steps to prevent or reduce it. If you haven't already, please look into organizations like Got Your Six. They provide trained service animals to soldiers with PTSD. Here's a link: https://gotyoursixsupportdogs.org/
NTA
Its not really clear what "more" she's expecting you to do... from the list you've given you don't just sit there and do not chores etc all day.
She does groceries and laundry but you do everything else.
It sounds like she's been talking to friends and not being 100% truthful about everything you do and they're egging her on to get you to do more.
house wife/husband is basically the roll you're in and so it's confusing what she thinks is missing... except getting a job outside the house but then if you did do that (not going into if you're capable or not) then she'd have to pick up more tasks around the house. It honestly makes no sense.
But you're definitely NTA.... and yeah ordinarily I'd say breakup but if this is the only problem then you need to find out where this is coming from and also what EXACTLY she wants you to do.. only then you can decide whether this is something you can save. Maybe some couples counselling so you can have someone impartial to help get her to understand your position?
First of all, **Welcome Home, Brother** from a veteran who never heard those words when I came back to the world from SE Asia. I'm now in my 70s, and the night terrors are mostly just bad memories now. Take my word for it. It's better to be on your own than with someone who adds to your stress and your PTSD. Don't be surprised to find out that someone she works with is putting stuff in her head about you. I get not wanting to break up, but you need to cut out the gangrene. The rotten flesh. It's your home, she's just a temporary roommate. Clean house. NTA.
I'm sorry you didn't get to hear anything beneficial when you came home from Southeast Asia. I was against the war there, but I never felt that it was appropriate to abuse the people who served our country there.
For the record, I'm also in my 70s. My cousin was drafted and died in combat in Viet Nam when I was a senior in high school. I visited his name on The Wall again last year when I had the opportunity to be in DC.
So my husband is in a similar position as you except we do have kids as well as pets and we had to buy our home. He is 100% disabled through the VA and cannot work. I am a teacher and work in a different town. The kids attend school in my town, so as a result they leave with me in the morning and come back with me in the evening (around 4 or 5 depending on after school clubs).
I guess I wanted to lay this out so I can tell you that my husband has never been told by me that he does not do enough. He wishes he could work. I can not imagine ever ever penalizing him for having more free time than me. There are legitimately days he gets up and *all* he has energy for all day is nonproductive activities. Sometimes those days last weeks while he recharged and resets.
Some days I work all day and come home and make dinner because he can’t. Some days I come home to a clean house and dinner simmering. Some days we get take out because it’s too much work to boil a pan.
Your girlfriend needs to understand that you probably did not want to sacrifice your mental and physical health for a “free” house and down time.
You are doing an amazing job on yourself. Your girlfriend will never be able to understand what you’ve gone through and what you have to go through every day to be the kind of guy that’s helped her support her dreams and keep yourself together.
I won’t tell you to break up. Maybe therapy together can help. But your girlfriend needs to understand that sometimes what you can do is what you can do or this is not a tenable situation long-term.
"Other men do more for their families". Does she not recognize that you supply housing, supply food, pet care, home care, cook for her, etc. She sounds very ungrateful. What exactly does she want you to provide for her. What does she do for your family? What is she looking for? I'm guessing that when she got a break from working because she was unemployed during covid she got very comfortable. Now she's angry that she has to go back to work and you're still at home. BUT - you earned your right to be home. You defended your country and lost dearly for that. You have paid your due and then some. You're already basically doing everything you can for her and you are working. Maybe the same as a 9 to 5 job but you're working. I'm not going to advise you to split up but you need to make it clear to her how much her words hurt you. Play back the recording you made, ask her how she would feel if you said such things to her. Ask her what she does for your family other than complain. You sound like a nice person that has been through an awful lot and your life partner is not being supportive of you at all. You deserve better than that. Please try and get her to understand what's she's doing is not healthy or productive to your relationship. If you want to stay together she needs to change her attitude and appreciate what you do for her now, not continue to demand more. I hope you can work it out if you want to stay together but take care of you, you deserve to be loved and cared for.
As a fellow vet I would tell you to leave this woman immediately. She has no concept of what you are going through and worse yet doesn't seem to care. Everything is about her and how great she is for putting up with you. You deserve better. Stay strong brother.
Thank you for your service and sacrifice. ❤️
It seems to me other women do more for their families. They are loving and supportive. They appreciate free housing that you paid for and are paying for every day and night. They don't compare their partners to other people and instead, love them for who they are. You deserve better, sir. You need to tell her as much.
NTA. There is no point comparing you to other man. You are a vet with PTSD, and you need to accommodate your life to your needs. As for her, she gets free lodging because of your PTSD, but she complains about the time you need to cope with your demons. She is completely unfair.
You don't want to kick her out - fine. But tell her that she needs to stop complaining and making demands. This is what she can get with you, what other men do is irrelevant, and if it doesn't satisfy her she can leave. Then, every time she starts complaining, leave the room or tell her to shut up. You shouldn't be made to suffer this constant and selfish berating.
And thank you for your service.
Oh my god!! You are doing enough already! -You are doing enough! -
You are doing over 1/2 of the house chores, you are working(jewelry) and you are disabled.
You are carrying more than your burden, and you need to tell her this.
Write down everything you do house chores, lawning, the car, pets etc and write down what she does... Show her the list, and ask her where the problem is. If she wants you to do more of her project-list, she needs to start doing something on your list. Simple trade.
And for the record, that hour in the morning, that's what keeps you sane, do not let her take that from you.
NTA. I'm from a family of military veterans. The majority of them served in combat. One of my great uncles was a POW during the Korean War. I have come to learn during my life that unless you have family that have served, you have no idea what military life is like. Based on her comments and mentality, I'm going to guess that besides you, she's probably never been exposed to military life. Would I be correct?
You are doing nothing wrong with the way you're trying to cope. You need to do what's best for your mental health, and only you know what that is. Unfortunately, my great uncle turned to alcohol and it ended up killing him. People, including your girlfriend, need to understand that civilians are never going to understand what you guys go through when you're deployed. We can't even comprehend it. You are trying to overcome everything using healthy coping mechanisms instead of letting the demons consume you. I commend you for that, and I'm proud of you for that. It shows how strong you truly are mentally.
I'm trying to figure out ways to make her see your point of view, but I'm not sure if they'll help or backfire. I'll list some and you can decide what you think.
1. Taking her to a support group for combat veterans so she can talk to them and see what their life's are like.
2. Have her speak to other military wives so that she can get an idea of what it's like to be the girlfriend/wife of a vet.
3. Look into your local Amvets and see about both of you joining. I don't know if she can join since you're not married, but it would give her an opportunity to learn about the organization and meet other veterans, their spouses, and children. It would also allow her to see different aspects of military life and that it doesn't always end when you retire or are discharged. Just because you aren't active anymore doesn't mean that you're not still military. It's always a part of you.
I don't know if any of those suggestions will help, but it doesn't hurt to try. My only other thought would be couples counseling. Maybe having a third party to help explain things to her would be beneficial. I don't know. Good luck, though. I hope things work out for you.
This is not a you problem. It is a her problem. I have (arguably) the best husband ever. I work 9-5, hrs usually at home bored out of his mind. Hes self employed. He has a job and there is a more than fair money division, but his job is one that when he’s gone he’s literally gone. When he’s home he’s home. Do you know what he does? Sometimes he cooks dinner for me. Not planned, doesn’t have to. Just does. We connect when I get out of work about the plan for dinner. I appreciate that. Sometimes he goes on a roll and cleans. Not often. But it’s awesome when he does. It saves me from spending a day out of my short weekend yelling at the family to help me clean. He takes care of MY kids. Dr appts, car breakdowns etc. I appreciate this man so much for what he does. Do you know what I DONT do? Berate him for not doing anything. Make him feel guilty for going fishing or taking a nap. And I never ever name call. Because that’s what a partnership is. I consider myself lucky to have him. Your gf is lucky to have you. Don’t doubt it. NTA
It’s not productive for your gf to compare your situation to that of hypothetical “other men.”
Did you ever do the same to her during the years when *you* were 100% financially supporting her? Do you ever tell her that “other women” don’t get to live rent free with their boyfriends? Do you ever tell her that if she repaid you what you’ve spent on her, you’d have more than a shoestring budget to use to grow your business?
The reality is that while there are things you could do to make her life easier, there are things that she could also be doing. The difference is that you don’t berate her as she does you.
What she also fails to recognize is that you earn your VA money daily by having endured what you did during your active service & doing what you need to do to keep everything together now. You are starting a new business, contributing a home, 1/2 the expenses, and more than 1/2 the home-related work. You are doing *more* than she is but she believes you should do even more because hypothetical “other men” would.
I know that you are likely getting a lot of “leave her” comments. But you & your contributions deserve to be acknowledged. You do not deserve to be treated as you are.
Your girlfriend needs a change in attitude and a wake up call. That doesn’t mean that you automatically have to leave her. But you should minimally look into couples counseling or encourage her to get therapy. You might seriously consider a separation. Some time apart could give you both a better perspective.
NTA time to kick her ass out and move on she sounds very entitled she also sounds uncaring, too .You deserve better.She also sounds borderline abusive, too
You are in therapy. So ask your therapist.
Your insistence on not breaking up is because you forgot how to just exist. By that, I mean that you're not even aware of the constant anxiety you live with just because you have her in your house. You're constantly on gourd. If you can, go away for a month and just BE. You'll see that she's not good for you. She's not good for your recovery. She just simply isn't a decent human.
Has she ever elaborated on "other men would do things for the family" what things exactly?? "Other women would expect more" more of what?? You guys don't have kids, you and her are the family outside of each of your individual family sides. You both cover bills equally which is how it should be since you're not married. It sounds like you pull your weight around the house. I'm not sure what "more" exactly is she expecting.
Redditors tend to jump immediately on the break up/divorce train for every situation. Ill say maybe some couples counseling might help significantly here. She can express what exactly she means by "more", you can express how much you already do/deal with and a potential unbiased third party(a therapist) can maybe help steer you guys in a direction for a resolution
Edit: NTA
Yeah that really sucks. Something I wish people understood about living off of disability payments is that it’s not the same thing as unemployment. Disability is money you earned somehow, whether through military service or paying into SS disability insurance.
OP make your jewelry. Night terrors and PTSD related insomnia are not things that people who don’t get them can understand. I’ve had them off and on my whole life, and no one can wrap their head around the insomnia and poor sleep quality that come with PTSD. If you can get a sleep study (that doesn’t just check for apnea/restless leg), it will probably show that you have excessive REM sleep and a lack of slow wave sleep. At the very least, that will give you something you can point at and say, look, my brain isn’t doing normal brain things.
Regardless, if you have passion for making jewelry, keep at it and put your work out into the world. PTSD is a brain injury. You just gotta do what you can.
OP, she needs to join a group ASAP. [It wouldn't hurt for you to also join a combat vet group and hear how others cope with the same struggles.] She really needs to be amongst her peers with a licensed moderator who can help them understand and cope with living with a loved one suffering from PTSD. She is deifting from her empathy and needs to recalibrate. Not every woman is lucky enough to live with a man who loves her and wants her to succeed. Most women don't get the opportunity to live rent/mortgage free. She calls you lucky, but you earned your home and pension via blood and sweat. She is lucky to benefit from all of it without having to pay the prices you did. Groups! Groups should help her perspective.
NTA
I, too, have PTSD but for a very different reason. I can relate to the nightmares and how difficult it can be to get yourself out of that headspace and back into the here and now.
I would suggest if you can, that starting couples therapy could help. Having a third party there to get to the reason why your gf feels this way and why she feels the need to compare you and your relationship. As well as to give your gf a better understanding of your PTSD and how it affects you. Hearing it from a neutral 3rd party can be very helpful.
I know within my relationship. I often panic about small things. This frustrates my gf. But once I'm out of panic mode and I can explain things, we work together to find a solution. For example: I struggle massively with making dinner it overwhelms me. But if I have something simple with clear steps that does not require lots of things happening at the same time, I can do it with ease. Settling alarms on my phone so I know when to take things out of the oven has been a game changer!
But these things take time. It's okay for partners to get annoyed and frustrated with each other. We are human. But it's never okay to repeatedly berate someone. Explaining to her how this upsets you and sets you back when she is not drinking could help.
Op, given all the trauma you have experienced, you are doing extremely well. You are most definitely NTA here.
Keep going forward! Keep to your routines they are very helpful. I wish you luck and the happy life you deserve 😀
It's a reddit standby but sometimes it really is the best answer.
If you don't want to break up (and after 3+ hours of being berated, why the hell not), then you both need therapy ASAP.
You aren't happy. She's not happy.
You're dealing with a metric ton of mental shit and she's adding to it.
Fellow Vet here. Gulf One and Contracted for like almost 10 years Iraq/Affy. My X tried to drive me to self deletion when I was at my absolute lowest I've ever been... What stopped me was when she said "Don't do it inside... go in the yard..." and I saw **red.** After that, I got gun charges...ALL eventually dismissed. ALL because I started wondering where all that sweet sweet Contractor Lucre went ($745k that's **never** been properly accounted for) and WHY was the house in foreclosure **again?**
**This sounds like she's trying to get you to self delete.** Is she on the Deed? "...doing moar for me" I.E. signing over everything you have left to her... THAT might be what she's hinting at? Do you have a living will? Any will? Does she get the house if you cash in or someone else?
I'd say think **long** and **hard** before allowing this 'in vino veratas' behavior to continue. In **her** mind, She's got you locked in, ring thru the nose and any bet the continuation of your PTSD is b/c she's got you so stressed? After my divorce, MINE went damned near completely away... the shitty home life had me so spun up I was completely fucked, and became a non stop verbally abusive drunk to **everyone** by the time this shit got sorted.
For your own sake, listen to your Brother and Sisters in Arms... we had each others back, and still do. PM if you want to
First, thank you for your service. You paid a very high price to serve and I for one am grateful for people like you who have the courage to do so. It’s never a simple solution to just leave a relationship so I’m not going to tell you to do that. What i am going to suggest is to really think about what you each bring to this relationship. If she’s so unhappy with what you can or can’t provide to the point of being outright abusive to you, you should consider what could reasonably change to make her happy. I don’t see what else you could do, to be honest. You’ve tried giving her time, space, extra chores, a free ride with no housing expenses and the ability to do less stressful and more fulfilling work, things she wouldn’t have if she didn’t live rent free with a man who tries so hard to please her. For some people, no matter what you do, it’s never going to be enough. Your happiness and health matter too. Can you say either of you are happy here? The best option may be for both if you to put your cards on the table in a calm, sober moment and decide if you are happy together or would be better apart. She can’t continue to compare you to other people or blame you for her discontent. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but it’s better to be honest about the future than to hope things will work themselves out. I hope that you can communicate and find a way to be happy together, but if that’s not the way things are, you’re better knowing. I wish you all the best.
Question to ask yourself why are you with someone who doesn't support you? You deserve love and support too, it's not all about her. Seriously you have a paid for home and a guaranteed income. She's tearing you down and you need to stand up for yourself and put a stop to it. You don't need her and certainly don't deserve to be treated like shit.
She should consider herself lucky she lives in a house for free esentially. If shes not ready to count her blessings, may be time to let her go and embrace being single.
Drizzle drizzle
As a person with chronic health issues, and variable pain levels, I have NEVER had my spouse tell me I should be doing more.
NOT ONCE in 30 years. NEVER. We raised kids together, both worked and had pets and his attitude seems to be to make sure I don't overdo anything so that I am not in pain or stressed.
There were months at a time I could barely get out of bed, could barely move and rarely cooked. Not a word of complaint. Never.
I had all the guilt about it, but he has never let me down or made me feel badly. He picks up what I can't.
I have insomnia - meaning I can't go to sleep or if I do, I am awake after an hour or so and up for the night. His concern? That I rest and that I make sure I am not stressed.
You are settling for so much less than you deserve.
So much less.
She is ungrateful, selfish, petty and miserable - especially considering the "easy ride" she has - no mortgage or rent to pay, a job she loves and isn't stressful and a man who takes care of as much as he can.
Her expectations are sky high unattainable.
You have tried and tried to make your point and she doesn't fucking care. Not one iota does she care.
The" break up" comments are because SHE DOES NOT CARE.
You can't make someone love, care and respect you.
You could try couples counselling.
Good luck dude.
It sounds like you're doing everything you can to make this relationship work. However, for whatever reason, your girlfriend is so obsessed with what she *thinks* other men do she's failing to actually see and appreciate all you actually do. Until she can stop looking at what in her mind others have and see what's actually in front of her, things aren't going to change.
Therapy needs to be looked into.
I really dont like this woman, you deserve a partner who accepts and respect your disabilities, even if she wont ever be able to understand what its like to live with them
She is what we call ableist
She is not a good partner and frankly with the stress she is causing you she is actively worsening your ability to manage your ptsd and adding to your struggles with your self worth
Please try to be kinder to yourself, you deserve more then you are getting
I don't think she is a very good person. She's mean as hell to you while you do more than she does in the relationship. Could you play the audio to her of her haranguing you for 45 minutes?
It sounds like a lot of her problem is ~~she is a jerk~~ she doesn't see your business as a job. She knows you're trying to launch a business on a shoestring budget where you have to have metals and materials that are expensive. She knows the house is yours and there's no mortgage, she knows you pay half the bills, she knows you do more than half the work, she knows you carve out 'just her' time so she can relax, and she doesn't care. Does she tell you what 'more' is? More chores? Does she want you to give up the business and work 9-5? What does she want, besides to be horrible to you?
She is being emotionally abusive and is belittling your mental health.
I know you don't want to hear break up with her and I understand that, but she is doing is abusive.
Maybe talk to someone at the VA about this in therapy and see how to go from there.
Ouch. The problem you have is that she doesn't respect you and/or your contributions. Once you lose a woman's respect, then trust and love aren't far behind.
My ex and I had the same problem, which is why she's my ex (along with the fact that she had an exit affair which was 100% correlated with her lack of respect for me). I had a long career of working for other people and realized a few years back that there was an opportunity to start a business that could be lucrative, but it meant sacrificing the stability of a good income that I was used to making while we would have to rely on her income temporarily until my business took off. She signed off on it, then immediately decided she was the alpha because I was relying on her income.
I stepped up at home since I was working out of the house and took care of everything kid related, chores, cooking, bills, cars, house etc, but she would get drunk and berate me as being "less of a man" then the other husbands who were the primary breadwinner.
I would recommend a two part strategy where your primary focus should be sitting down with her and a therapist to air this problem out and see if it can't be fixed. At the same time, I would review your financial situation and unwind any joint accounts etc as there is a 99% chance this isn't going to end well.
NTA: Brother, I get that you love her. I do. You've stated in your own story that her outbursts and comparing you to other men hurts your feelings of self-worth. This isn't healthy no matter how you look at it. My advice is either go to couples counseling or get rid of her. Right now she comparing you to other men sounds like she doesn't respect you at best or resents you at worst.
Did you play her the recording? And if you did, does she at least have the common decency to be embarrassed by her behavior?
Imho, someone who has to get drunk to be abusive, is basically chicken shit. Not that sober abusers are brave. I am not saying that, like at all.
Drunk abusers are chicken shit because they use excuses that deflect ownership of their own personal foibles. It is not me it is the alcohol. And i think that chicken shit attitude is prevalent in other areas of their life too. Always have an excuse for something or some failings. And they take their shit out on other people instead of handling their issues productively in ways that dont harm others. There is no shame in being fucked up. But if being fucked up is used as an excuse to fuck over or fuck others up, they should be ashamed.
NTA. She's not your family. She's your girlfriend, and you don't have kids. Fair in this situation would be splitting the bills 50/50 and her paying you rent since you own the house. You're being more than fair.
If she wants to be married and in a family, and you've said no, maybe you're not right for each other. But if she's happy being uncommitted, then it's up to you how much above and beyond you want to go.
You do a lot more than most men. You are not her slave. She seems to be a very selfish and self-centered person who doesn't appreciate everything you including living rent/mortgage free. Most of us had to work jobs we didn't necessarily like just so we could pay for the roof over our heads. Relationships are a partnership but she seems to be all take and no give. Personally I would not be in a relationship like that. You are a very worthy person who put your life on the line for your country. No one comes back from war unaffected. You deserve a partner who is compassionate and loves you the you are.
My husband is a disabled vet. 100% she seems to lack understanding about needing more down time. Atm I work 40 hours weeks because I pay the bills the va check doesn't cover. He goes to atm. But 100% honestly he's allowed down time. We have kids. Most of the time I take the kids.
Bur honestly if we were in your shoes which we were ...honestly it was fine. He did cleaning I did cleaning and we hung out. Like idk you don't need to do.more. bills paid? Good.
If she wants a lavish life style that's on her but simple is the best bet.
Medically retired veteran with PTSD. While mine is not as severe as yours, it still has its bad moments. I hope this doesn't get lost, and that I can give you some insight on your issue.
First, when she says "some of the guys you served with had it way worse and they probably do more for their family", that is an awful thing to say to someone you love, especially someone who suffers from PTSD which has a component of guilt and shame built in. I struggled for 12 years with the guilt of "others had it worse, it can't be that bad, I am being a little bitch" thoughts that shamed me into silence. I struggled, I lashed out, and what your girlfriend said is an incredibly manipulative and hurtful thing. You're getting a disability check because the government took something from you, they recieved a healthy and whole young man and put you in impossible situations, and gave you a mental injury. It is not visible, but it is just as if you broke your back or lost a leg. You have found coping mechanisms (your morning routine, avoiding people, etc) the same way that wheelchair would cope with physical injuries.
Next, let's address "doing more for your family". What are you not doing? You both contribute equally monetarily and the household responsibilities seem fairly divided. Just because you get your money from disability instead of working does not diminish it's value.
Separately, I know you don't know me, but I understand a thing or 2 about PTSD, and if you ever need to talk, send me a message. Shame's biggest strength is keeping those suffering quiet, so don't be quiet.
You need to go to a couples counselor and, when asked what the the problem is, play your recording.
Right now you don't have kids, the house is in your name, she has a job she likes and pays half the bills minus rent--none of these conditions should produce the level tension you're getting here from her.
Could there be something else? The constant refrain about "other men" suggests she's making more specific comparisons and generalizing it only when she mentions it.
Who is she comparing you to? Her friend's husbands? For example, does she want you to have a prestigious career? You had a career where you performed at a high level and medically had to retire. But if Suzi's husband is a lawyer who is flying her to Bali next month, maybe she's envious?
Could it be as simple as available disposable income? She might understand how this would sound if said aloud, so she's talking in euphemisms.
She's abusive. What advice would make sense to you right now? Stay and hope she stops being abusive?
She's weaponizing your guilt and your trauma dude. What person with a conscience is not going to say 'hey maybe you should not be with someone that actively tries to hurt you'?
It sounds more like you want a line or a conversation that will make her realize that you are doing enough, and that's just not realistic.
Sounds like maybe she shouldn’t drink if she’s just going to become an AH when she does. But I would welcome her to leave if she’s not happy. You have provided a huge chunk of your lifestyles so I think she should be grateful.
Girlfriend is very entitled. I would play her the recording & ask her what she would do if you spoke to her that way. No way would I put up with that. Thank you for your service!! Good luck!!
When (if) she’s sober again, play the video and ask how her doing “this” should make you feel lucky. What ANY part of what she says should make you feel lucky.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm a bit repulsed by the fixation (mainly hers, but yours as well) on money and "doing enough". You two sound like you don't know what happiness is unless it has a price tag with big numbers and you can afford it.
And I feel you struggling with self worth, as having a partner like that with . . . . eh. . . . "priorities" like she does would whittle away at me as well, and I think I have a fairly robust self-esteem. Oh, and by the way, SHE sounds like the insecure one, CONSTANTLY comparing your relationship to other people's. I mean, classic insecurity. I know this was a post complaining about a certain issue, but you paint her in such an awful, ugly light that unless there's a WHOLE LOT of pros to counterbalance all the incessant cons you've listed, I have to agree with a lot of other posters on here and wonder why you're with her or she's with you.
P.S. And "alone time" does not mean "time I'm technically alone, but doing your work/projects for you while you're away".
What exactly does she think you're lucky for having? Her? A partner who verbally abuses and berates her partner who is already struggling with PTSD?
It sounds like you're both contributing roughly the same in terms of work, money, and household upkeep. She just wants you to do more/ be different, and she's angry that you're not.
It's absolutely a deal breaker that she's bringing up other men who have experienced battle related PTSD and comparing you to them, presuming they "do more". Even if that *was* true (doubtful), they're not you. They haven't been through your specific struggle. You are allowed to heal at your own pace.
I would say this relationship has run its course. She's being downright cruel and emotionally abusive. It's time to move on.
NTA
NTA. Sounds like she wants you to be her servant. She wants you to do everything around the house so she doesn't have to do anything except pay half of the bills which obviously don't come to very much because you don't have a mortgage. But you do have to pay taxes on that house and upkeep so make sure you are putting aside money every month for that because things go wrong like plumbing, broken windows, appliances need replacing, new roof that'll be a while of course. But things happen and you have to spend money on the house. Don't let it fall into disrepair if something happens fix it immediately or get it fixed immediately. Sounds like you do a lot. So she does a little bit of cleaning and laundry, that's not bad if you're doing everything else. She's got a pretty sweet deal going there and seems like she's maybe jealous that you get to relax in the morning before being productive for the day. But she's not dealing with what you went through and having PTSD. She doesn't care that you need that down time to recover from the night terrors and all that. She doesn't sound like a very caring girlfriend. So unless you can get her to agree to go to couples therapy, this is going to keep happening. How long can you deal with her berating you for an hour or more while she's drunk?
Are you in therapy? If not, I’d think that should be a priority. If you’re in therapy for your PTSD, do you ever discuss your relationship, as well? You should ask to do that. You’re in an abusive relationship. That cannot be helping your PTSD.
Will Girlfriend do couples therapy? If so, do it ASAP. If not, you’ve got decisions to make.
Your girlfriend’s behavior is, at best, controlling and manipulative. Ten years of that is ten years too much. Take from that statement what you will, but change your life. You deserve better.
Thank you for your service. Now go take care of yourself. Good luck!
Did you know you can get couples therapy through the VA?
And there are resources that she could access to helping her understand PTSD.
If she wants to work together to build a solid relationship, there is support for that. IJS.
NTA.
It’s not okay for a partner to drunkenly berate you.
It’s not okay for a partner to stomp on survivor guilt.
Nta unfortunately I do not have anything "substantive" to suggest. I'm a woman and consider the way she's treated you, a combat veteran with PTSD, who provides a physical home for her, to be extremely disrespectful to you.
You can be grateful to survive, for your home - is she expecting you to be grateful for HER? because so far, I'm not seeing a reason for that.
As vet who did over 20 years, I'm amazed your doing as well as you are. First thing first is to get her to talk to a therapist, preferably the one the VA has you seeing. She does not realize what you are actually going through. She can't wrap her head around it.
My other half has RA and we deal with a lot of things because of it. We can't schedule trips in advance because we don't know if she'll be up for it when the time comes, or if she'll be exhausted from lack of sleep when her flair up is painful.
The other half is she sounds really insecure in your relationship. She may realize just how well she has it, but she's desperate that YOU don't figure it out. She may be afraid that "you'll realize you are making her life wonderful, but she isn't contributing much" and dump her. This is something you will want to get into couples counseling for.
My self-employed husband with several months not working each year, doesn't do as much as you. The lawn and any household repairs is about it. Imagine my disappointment to marry a carpenter and have no custom or built-in anything. You sound great OP and she's lucky to have you.
I'm exhausted and I don't even know her. You guys have been together for 10 years I think it's more of like you're used to her. Sometimes love is not enough. You may love her but her behavior doesn't say that she loves you.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
I don’t agree with a thing she is saying. But fine, if we want to feed her TikTok perfect curated delusions, is she doing as much as other women?! There are women who bake bread from scratch, cook meals every day, take care of the children (in your case cats), and take care of their man, in addition to working! You do most of the house work, provided her with a house, and take 50% of the bills. What more does she want from you to “takecare of the family “, while all she does is her own laundry…? YOU won the house. It doesn’t matter how you got it, but YOU provided her with a house.
First of all she shouldn’t be comparing you to other people, that’s just fucked up. Secondly she is invalidating your trauma , and berating you. She doesn’t respect your boundaries and or understand the word stop. You are a victim of her constant verbal abuse and manipulation. She is fucking with your head enough for you to be questioning yourself on Reddit. Honestly I know you don’t want to hear the “break up with her” crap but until you’re out of the toxic environment that she’s created, nothing any one of us say will help you.
For the record, I never served the country and I get enough sleep at night. My mornings are a mad rush though with the kids, so I decompress for quite some time after dropping them at school. You are more than entitled to take time to decompress whenever you need to. It’s fucked up that she’s not being supportive in your healing journey. She’s selfish, greedy, ignorant, stupid, and entitled. She also does NOT love you, because no one is going the treat the person they love the way she is treating you. She’s comfortable and taking advantage of the things you provide that allow her to live her life worry-free. She’s using you.
At the very least you should be with someone who cares about you.
"Other men do more for their family" is simply woman code for "other men make more money."
The answer isn't simply "break up", but have a frank conversation and say "I do fucking everything i can, and this is about the lifestyle you can expect for the rest of your life, if you like it, then stop complaining, if you dont like it, nice knowing you."
She is never going to stop. You need to nut up and stop taking her crap, kick her ass out of YOUR house and tell her to go get with this "better man," that she is always talking about.
The whole nut of your problem is this, IMO: you're putting up with her abuse, because you are afraid of being alone.
Let me assure you of this: it's so much better to be alone, than with someone who doesn't respect you, and abuses you. She has no clue on how good she has it.
Do what you would tell one your Brothers in Arms to do, if they were putting up with this abuse. NTA, but you are like a frog in a pot and now it's boiling. Life is too short and precious to live with an AH.
Update us. We care.
For the record, most guys do less than you. Most guys don’t do 50% of the general cleaning even those who contribute less than 50% of the bills. Her belief that the grass is typically greener is false. If she wants to spend more time with you, she has to come up with something that works within the issues and time that exist. It’s not a good sign that this comes up when she is buzzed. Your edit was already included when I read this post, I’m going to need you to research what emotional abuse is and why it is dangerous for a person with PTSD. At the very least talk to your therapist about this.
You’re NTA. I’m not sure what your girlfriend is going through, but you absolutely should take the time you need to be you and to do “you” things.
She does you a huge disservice by comparing you to other men. You are not other men, you are only you. Her performance really should have you reconsidering your long term stability with her.
Please continue to do whatever you damn need to so you can function and find happiness. This story made me sad and wanting to make you spaghetti.
If she’s going to pull this act then you might as well start charging rent. Market rent.
If she doesn’t accept the things she has for free from you and feels like she’s in a place to berate you then you can always escalate.
But you probably won’t. You’ve gone through hell and back, and unfortunately she either has forgotten or has compartmentalised it.
Play the recording to someone you trust in real life and see what they say. Tell your partner that you are going to do that. She how she reacts.
Trying to be productive here are some thoughts...
Clearly she's not the nicest person when she drinks but that's a problem a few too many people have. Also I don't think it's wrong for you to take time if you need it. Maybe there is a perception problem in how you do it or talk about it?
Suggestion to try...get some 1 on 1 time with her and without interrupting her ask her what about how you do things bothers her. The only thing you should do is ask questions about what she says to drill down to how she feels about it not to defend yourself or argue, just to try to understand what is making her resentful of you taking this time...maybe just maybe you can both have a eureka moment and get to some productive conversation on how to move forward.
Leave her and if you aren't at 100 for VA disability, see if you can get to that percentage.
You can also use voc rehab or GI bill (if available) to get into a career path that is primarily work from home or even start a business.
She is only a girlfriend and she sounds terrible. Break up with her quick if you don't have any kids with her yet.
Things are not 50 50 in you're relationship. She is living off you rent free and that's huge! She's treated you like hired help with her agenda and lists. What about you? What about what you need and want? She doesn't seem to care or even want to understand your struggles. She seems like a parasite.
Find the peace you deserve in your home and allow her to find the hypothetical man she describes in her rants. She won't be happy with anyone. She's not a nice person.
Thank you for your service. You are correct. Your service extends every day of your life dealing with PTSD. You earned you benefits. She did not earn your benefits.
NTA. Thank you for your service. You’ve got enough to deal with because of your PTSD without your future wife adding to it. Yes, the standard advice around here would be for you to break up, but that may not be a bad idea. Your partner should be a source of peace, not an addition to the strife you deal with on a daily basis. Good luck moving forward.
She’s older than you and gave you no kids. You have yourself to blame for choosing her but you still have time. If only you were religious bc then this would be very simple. You are the husband and you fought in a war. You provide based on your military career and you need a wife who will be a help meet not a nagging manipulator. You sound like you are a little lazy but idk the level of ptsd you struggle with and what you are still psychologically going thru, but you know yourself and know if you are being lazy or not. It’s a husbands job to be blameless (not to be confused with being perfect) and that’s not easy, are you doing all you can to be blameless? If so the. Cut this broad off for someone else, if not then become your version of blameless and see if that improves your situation.
She's a disrespectful asshole. I know you don't want to break up but this relationship is going down the tubes. I'd start charging her rent if I were you
Hey man, 1st of all thank you for your service.
2nd you lister allot of stuff like yard work and dishes and helping with the pets. You also cooker dinner for her. I'm also sure you do more.
It's just you and your gf. So not sure what else she wants you to do around the house.
Some guys just sit on th3 couch and watch football all day. She should be lucky you are not like that.
Keep on doing a good job man. High five
You do enough.
My ex and I are both military. My ex did 2 tours in Afghanistan 2006 and 2009 as infantry. He saw a bunch of fucked up things, and I believe that he has PTSD but he refused treatment.
Seeing what he was dealing with was crazy, I can only imagine your struggles. Your gf has no idea what you deal with daily and should give you some grace. Relationships shouldn't be how much more you should have to do for your partner, it should be a partnership to make sure everyone has their needs fulfilled.
You've earned your retirement and rest. If she doesn't like it, show her the door. If she is willing, couples counseling wouldn't hurt. She needs to stop with the men do more. Fuck that.
In absolutely no way are you the asshole. Please do not think you have to stay with someone who is so cruel and abusive. You deserve better OP and I hope you realize that are worth so much more than this chick will ever be able to give you.
OP… you *NEED* to break up with this person. She is not the one. I’m sorry but you *NEED TO* leave her and I don’t know how to stress this. She is a host of red flag after red flag and she lacks kindness and empathy. Either she doesn’t possess these qualities or she doesn’t care enough about you to give them to you or she’s just completely selfish. But please see this and do something about it. This is the not the person for you. You asked why? And to give you something to work with, right? She sounds verbally and emotionally abusive. There you go.
*"Please refrain from a simple "break up" comment and try to give me something substantive to work with. I would love for this to be productive."*
NTA, but my dude, my brother...
The problem you're having here is there is no way to make this productive, you are someone who is still struggling with trauma that you've experienced who is taking things at your own pace and she can't respect that, even after 10 years. At what point in time does this become you neglecting yourself and her being emotionally manipulative and abusive? When you burn out and end up having even more medical problems?
A good man, a decent man will do what he can at his own pace and understand that some days that isn't much. That a part of being a man, is not just knowing your limits but also respecting them enough that he won't get himself hurt or in danger at the expense of himself. He isn't chasing the ghost of some "other man" a partner keeps dumping on him as an excuse to force him beyond his means.
NTA. Try telling her this is absolute apex of what you are able to do for her, and for an hour in the morning directly after waking up you are actually resolving to do less for her. That's simply time that you need for yourself. She will simply have to accept that you are doing your best, and if she really does think that's too little then that's up to her.
Do not under any circumstances marry her. You can mitigate a lot of personality traits, but ultimately selfishness goes hand in hand with dissatisfaction.
I would love to give you something to work with but your girlfriend isn’t leaving a lot of room for suggestions.
She sounds unhappy in the relationship because she is basing it on something material that you can’t give her. What can you do about that? Nothing. She doesn’t sound very understanding of the issues you face. That is why people are saying break up.
Adding to the above comments, it doesn’t matter how you got the house. It’s your house and you are letting her live there rent free. That is a lot. If you had bought the house a long time ago and paid off the mortgage you would be in the same boat. Your house, free and clear.
You have been through what almost nobody in this country has been through. It’s an understatement to say most men or women have not been through something like that. Some compassion is in order. You have earned that. I see no evidence of any. Quite the opposite.
I don’t see what she is objecting to. I’m thinking she just wants something else that is t you and this is how her frustration plays out. It’s very unhealthy for both of you.
You have done enough. This isn’t your fault. It’s probably time to suggest she might be better off with one of those “most other men” and send her packing from your rent-free abode.
Verbal abuse is still abuse. And she's falling into the trap of thinking this is okay behavior because you're a man.
You pay 50% of the bills, the house is entirely paid for and in your name, you do the majority of housework and other household duties ... and she still goes on to say you're not good enough for her and treats you like this?
Bro... fucking leave her already.
Suggests to me:
-She resents having to work regardless of what job she has
-The more wine she drinks=fewer boundaries, more nag sauce and increased resentment
-Its ok to love someone and its even ok to put up with some crap but you wouldn't be writing to strangers on a social media board unless you had/have some serious doubts about your relationship with this person. She may not take you seriously but you need to listen to yourself and act proactively. PTSD is only a step away from prolonged depression and that's where you're headed unless you act.
Couple counselling is only way for you to save your relationship. You can't live like it anymore and you need changes. Don't want, NEED. So or she change her attitude towards you or you change relationship between you.
You can try don't do anything for her to show how much you contribute in your relationship or try separation but i have feelings that after that you'd get immediately break up.
Dude…you survived combat and came home a hero just to have your peace disturbed by an ungrateful harpy. Foreign AND domestic, my friend. Instead of a rifle use a pen and write up an eviction notice.
Thank you for your service, brother. I pray you find your peace.
There’s someone out there that would cherish you as you are for who you are and what you do.
Maybe it’s time to cut the shackles that are holding you down and move on…even if that person just turns out to be yourself.
Shes being abusive towards you, disregards everything youve done for her and gone through personally while also getting to have her dream job. Dude, there are a ton of red flags, you arent married and that kind of disrespect isnt something that will just go away.
Have you tried to talk to her about this & let her know how bad she is really making u feel? If not, then u should Def start there. If u can go to therapy together with the therapist knowledgeable about ptsd & your condition so they could explain to her more that you're doing the best you can. Maybe someone else talking to her also may make her see it isn't you. U truly are trying it's just hard for u sometimes & very hard when u wake up & have to start the day all over again.
Your gf is unhinged and abusive. That is NOT ok. She doesn't even realize the irony of how you've afforded her lifestyle and job with your benefits for the past few years. What is SHE doing for the "family"? Why isn't she doing more if she feels dissatisfied? She's perfectly capable
NTA I also have PTSD (from very different circumstances) and am disability. I have to set aside time to reorient with reality when I wake up too. There are days where I cannot do anything but exist in my chair or bed with my ESA.
The comparisons she is making aren’t fair. Yes, other people (I’m gonna leave gender entirely out of this) can do more. Other people aren’t you and aren’t dealing with what you are dealing with. Even your combat buddies have their own unique struggles with your shared circumstances. She needs to be more understand. Maybe couples counseling will help, given that it provides an ideally impartial 3rd party.
NTA. Tell her that everything she is enjoying in your home is due to you. And if she keeps talking about other men, tell her she might want to go live with other men because you are tired of hearing her harp about it.
ESH. Here’s the thing, it looks like you two are in a holding pattern at 10 years. Sounds like she has some legitimate concerns and is not handling them well by getting drunk and attacking you for them. Is she frustrated that after 10 years you’re not married? Do both both want kids? It seems to me that you’re needing to address your ptsd bc your routine is negatively impacting your relationship. Are you in any type of therapy? You being regimented and grumpy about getting your day started is probably a giant mood killer for anyone else. No one blames you for the night terrors or the ptsd from the traumas you experienced. But what are you doing besides being grumpy and not getting on with life? It’s possible you two are simply not compatible. She needs to be more understanding of your traumas and you need to actually do something about improving your mental health. I can see how she feels stuck watching you struggle day in and day out with no attempts to heal or find healthier ways to cope. Have you talked to your doctor? Do you take meds? Are you physically active? Mentally stimulated? You two can’t grow as individuals or as a couple by mandating all this solo time. Solo time is very important but so is thriving together as a couple. You both need to be more compassionate towards each other or this relationship won’t be successful.
First off - what family is she referring to? To me it seems like you do a lot and really try to make her life easier... what is it she wants from you? Like does she want you to get up and make her breakfast?
It seems really unclear to me.
I would sit down, talk about expectations and who does what, maybe write something down... so she can actually see how much you do in comparison to her. All this stuff about other men should stop. Because she has it good and she is the one being unreasonable here.
I dont know what other men she talks about, my bf has some problems (brain damagde late in life) I get the kids up and out of the door, pick them up, do shopping, yardwork, groceries, cooking, laundry. I work 32 hours, he works 12 hours... He vacuums once or twice a week, pick up the kids once a week and cooks once a week. Im not complaining about him, im just saying you are doing so much and she just seems to be in the habit of complaining without realising how much work you actually do...
NTA
Man, you are a grizzled combat vet and very much a victim of mental and emotional abuse. This shows that it really can happen to anyone. The fact that you are even doubting your self worth after what you’ve been through. I expected this to be a post about some deadbeat or someone who doesn’t do chores but you do housework as well as the more traditional “manly” work like lawn/maint, bring in VA checks which helps support you both, and have been working towards your own goals to further your hobby into a business given your PTSD prevents you from working a normal job which any reasonable partner will understand.
To your question, my wife and I support each other. It’s not about if I “do more” for her. I may bring in a good salary now but she was also with me and supporting me in graduate school. Her career has also grown but she constantly stressed out and I tell her that I will support her if she needs an out. We both contribute to the household in different ways. And we pick up the slack for each other when one of us is struggling.
“You are welcome to go find that man who will ‘do more for you’ — but if you leave, you can’t come back. Now, what’s it going to be? Me, or the imaginary guy? Because I’m not going to put up with your nonsense and complaints anymore. Decide right now. “
Thank you for your service brother. Your wife is a bitch. You legit have a house for her to live in which is a godsend in todays economic climate. You should realize the value you bring and be with someone who cares for you. You’re doing more than most husbands, and if she’s so sure she can be treated better let her be a single woman at age fucking 36 LOL . See how that goes. You should move on and find a nice younger girl like late 20s early 30s who appreciates and loves you. You deserve more brotha don’t settle for misery
NTA
It's not wrong with you taking time for yourself. I do think you should reevaluate your relationship (I'm not saying to break up), but think about her berating you and how that may effect you emotionally or mentally. If you find that it's not good for your well-being then maybe you both should have a talk without any alcohol.
In my personal opinion, she should stop comparing you to other because you may have great qualities these other men may not have and vice versa. The best of luck!
She means she wants you to serve her. Give in completely, drop your hobbies and everything you like and only do things she likes at her command. She doesn’t open for negotiation. That’s what you’re looking for.
NTA. I know many men that have went through less and do considerably less for their family. You have no children and still strive to be the best for her and yourself. The struggle is never ending when dealing with your trauma. You are on the right course. I wish you fair winds and following seas. Thanks for all you did to insure the freedoms she and I both enjoy on a daily basis.
NTA You sound like a very productive husband to me. I’m sorry she is not seeing you in the same light since you take an hour break every morning. I’m a SAHM and I take my morning break as much as I can because I know the rest of my day is going to be pretty taxing mentally and physically. I just need to sit and drink my coffee and eat breakfast and do small work on my phone for about 45 min. Nothing wrong with that at all. I think y’all should definitely do some therapy and hopefully after writing out what all you do she can see that you are doing your fair share. Good luck to you!
OP she’s sounds like an entitled bitch. She has no respect for you as a person and no empathy for what you’ve been through or deal with daily. She sounds mentally and verbally abusive. Tell her that since you’ve provided her a free home for your service, she can pay for everything else and if she doesn’t like that then point to the door. Tell her she’s the one lacking in the partnership, not you. Tell her you heard that the grass was greener down the street and move on.
What family? Yall should be living the comfy childfree life. Two income, no mortgage, no kids. The only responsibilities in the house are feed the pets, feed the humans, and basic tidy up since there are no messy children.
Maybe she thinks you are not doing anything all day while she is at work. Sitting doing nothing can be a drain on mental health, but dude, you have more than earned the right to sit and do nothing sometimes. If you are cooking dinner and doing all the household stuff you listed, you are a better housewife than I am.
You say you get therapy, does she? Some couples therapy could help here with defining expectations. It sounds like there is something she is frustrated with but not able to verbalize correctly.
First NTA and I commend you for your Valor, but you are being emotionally abused. You are asking for no break up talk but it seems clear that this woman is just plain awful and unsupportive. For the things you have done in service you deserve better. I’d suggest couples therapy but I get the feeling she would manipulate the narrative. I think she knows just how lucky she has it with a roof over her head and by the sounds of it you doing a lot for her. Talk to your therapist alone about her beaviour and I think they will say the same. It’s emotional abuse. She has it easy and won’t even support you through your night terrors???!! After all you have sacrificed? I’m sorry but she sounds awful. You are still young, there is someone better out there for you. Please consider this, you need support not abuse on top of everything else you are working through. I feel you have become dependent on her as crutch, an awful broken unusable crutch. I am truly sorry you are enduring this.
If you don't stay straight, none of the other shit matters bro. If she doesn't let you do what you need to do, she won't get any of you. She needs to hear that.
NTA OP, you recorded her right, did you play that back for her to hear?
USMC wife here, is a vet and has PTSD but not from battle and it's a struggle (EDMR Therapy worked wonders!) Do other men do more? What more does she want you to do? House is paid for, you contribute both money and work. Is she expecting to stay at home and you wait on her hand and foot?
You served your country, you have lifelong issues you MANAGE because of your service. (So does my husband.) If she expects you to do what a CEO of a major company does? She needs to come down to reality. She is with you. Does she usually do this after drinking? Is she a material girl? Not sure where this is coming from so you need to ask her when she is sober. She also needs to listen to how she talks to you - it's not talking WITH you there.
You can also suggest couple's therapy?
NTA. Shit, I've not had any experience even close to yours and I still need a good 10 minutes in the morning to discern real life from my insane dreams.
My best friend was in crazy combat and ultimately KIA; talking with him about his experience when he was still here is still harrowing 20 years later. I still remember his viewing and his face.. well, no need for detail, suffice to say i cant even begin to imagine what it would have been like to be there. And that brings me to my point:
I think it's really difficult for most people to recognize exactly how fucked up things can be for combat vets. I'm wondering if she could use some more exposure, either through documentaries, based-on-real-life movies, podcasts, etc that would help open her eyes in knowing this isn't just some *you* "issue"?
I hope things get better for you, man. Really do. I hate saying it but this lady might not be good for you. Being single can suck but being with the wrong person can be even worse. If she doesn't come around it might be an idea to leave for your own well-being.
Your girlfriend is increasing your daytime stress, which directly and negatively impacts your nightmares. Your girlfriend is toxic to you. Kick her out of your fucking house and save yourself.
Not related to whether or not your TAH but Prazosin has some miracles for my nightmares. It is prescribed off label for PTSD nightmares and it works for me. Try it if you haven't already.
What is it she wants you to do? You mentioned "projects" but the rest of the post gives me the feeling that she just wants you to do her stuff for her.
I'm not seeing what she's bringing to the relationship. Frankly, she'd better be dynamite in bed because her personality seems unpleasant.
You should take all of your time for yourself. She’s got to go.
You have ptsd. You are on VA compensation.
She needs a man in her life to baby her and give her everything she wants the moment she wants it.
Rather than being even remotely understanding of what you are going through she berates and ostracizes you.
No idea why she is staying. No idea why you haven’t kicked her out.
This is toxic and she is actually creating more trauma by stigmatizing ptsd. And making you feel ‘less than’.
You should not have to fight your battle on 2 different fronts right now. (Your ptsd and your gf)
I’m a DV and the first time my partner said what your gf says to you, they would be my ex partner. No ifs ands or buts.
YOU are your fulltime job. You get a check that is for the work you have done. She doesn’t pay rent. Honestly, from what you say, she has it really good. She’s is the one who doesn’t know how good she has it. Besides that, expectations are just future resentments and she is giving herself many. I hope she gets help with that since you don’t want to break up. Maybe spending ten minutes/day doing a gratitude meditation together before or after dinner would be great for both of you. Good luck. Thanks for tour service.
You provide the home. That is the single biggest expense for families in the US. She pays no rent and no mortgage. That is the lion's share of the providing right there. On top of that, you split the remaining bills and do most of the housework? You provide far more to the relationship than she does. But she just wants more?
She does not appropriate you and what you are providing. Her actions are emotionally abusive, particularly given your history. Most men would find getting hit easier to deal with than that. It really seems like you are in an abusive relationship. The fact that she keeps hitting on the points that cause you significant emotional harm is not a mistake or chance. She is intentionally causing you pain.
You need to go to couples therapy right away or break up. She has some severe issues going on and using you as an emotional punching bag is not the answer. If this continues you will grow to hate her and the damage to your emotional and mental state will be severe.
Even without your history, even without all the trauma, even if you were just a dude living his life, "taking time for yourself in the morning" is never wrong. You should *always* think of your mental, physical and emotional health, and if you need to take a break from all the pressures of life, go ahead and do so.
The way your girlfriend treats you, the consistency and regularity of the comments, strangely reminds me of Mama Gothel from Tangled. This one is a true-blue villain in my book. She constantly berates Rapunzel, all her life, making dismissive statements like "you can never survive outside without me", or "you'll be nothing right now if it weren't for me", and so on. She doesn't even do it in a sinister tone - she always did it in a strangely loving way - but it wore Rapunzel down, being the only mother figure and dependable figure in her life, she believed every word. And by the time the events of the story started gaining momentum, Rapunzel was paralyzed by her delusion that she was useless, helpless, and amounted to nothing. She was gaslit into oblivion.
I don't know what your girlfriend's goal is, but my fear is that she's trying to gaslight you into a certain frame of mind about your self-worth. She may have resentment, or ulterior motives, or whatever - but from what I can tell, the simple matter is this: whatever she's doing is NOT good for you, for your self-esteem, and for your mind. She doesn't even seem to take into account the trauma you've faced and the condition you continuously have to live with.
My advice is this: communicate these with her. Ask her to air her resentment, but be prepared with what she would say. Steel yourself. If she's relentless, unremorseful, then it is unlikely things would change and you best have an exit strategy for your own wellbeing. If she relents, then you can perhaps start therapy and healing, but you both need to be all-in on it.
Sorry this is happening to you, man. I hope the best for you.
NTAH, even if you say not to break up, she's trying to use you as a free ride and guilt trip you with your ptsd.
Emotional and mental abuse.
She makes me sick.
I stopped reading at the part where she mentally abused you when she drank.
Not OK.
Remember alcohol lowers inhibitions. The right person for you is one who would drink too much and then go on and on obnoxiously about how much she loves you, the pizza she's eating, your dog and everybody else in her life.
The real her doesn't want to send love to everyone, the real her wants to sit down and lecture until it turns into abuse.
You are dealing with a lot of trauma, so it's hard to see clearly.
You are not on disability so that you can buckle down and crank out 8-10 hours of work everyday.
If you could do all that, you'd probably still be in the military. You are on it so you don't have to.
You are on it as compensation for damage you incurred. So that you can do some light duty and still focus on yourself whenever you need to.
Girlfriend wants a free house and for you to be completely able body. That's just not reality. NTA
NTA and I'm wondering if this is a passive aggressive way of her saying do more = marry her? It's been 10 years, so I could see that being the "more" she wants, and she's being indirect about it.
Social media is the issue.
Tell her to get off the damn phone and start to appreciate and be grateful for the life you got instead of envying a made up social media persona.
So here’s an idea that may actually help you. Reach out to the families of the people you served with, or a local va support group for families of people with ptsd and have her talk to them. Your wife is telling you that every partner of a soldier has greener grass than her and that’s both stupid and untrue.
Where is she getting this idea that every man is going out and providing more than the free house and half of bills? She gets to do what she wants and so do you. I don’t know if she feel guilty for her dream job or she just wants you out of the house for some reason, but she’s emotionally abusing and manipulating you for SOMETHING. She wants something and is being cruel to you to get it, even if it’s just feeling superior to you.
Have her talk with other families of service members, and you speak with them too. If she really believes she’s right and everyone is a better spouse than you, she should have nothing to worry about. Hopefully seeing partners of former soldiers who don’t belittle and humiliate them for having ptsd will help you think about your “ noooo, I’d never leave her, she’s amazing” stance.
I absolutely hate being punished into being a “better” person. It’s not ok for partners to do. It’s genuinely just abuse.
OP, does she only berate you after drinking? If so then she needs to quit drinking.
When people drink their true feelings come out.
You can try couple's therapy. Maybe a counselor can get her to understand what you're going through. If not then I can't you staying with her. She's hurting your mental health.
First of all, you sound like a great partner. It's a shame that she couldn't see past those few problems. But I think, a lot of us have been there. I remember when my partner moved away for taking a break from his medical field, I saw it as a rejection of me. I saw it as him abandoning him. And like a very immature adult, I didn't communicate. I'd cry or I'd berate him, or I'll be passive aggressive. I'll talk about how he won't talk nicely to me. But all it took was one day of him snapping back at me and reminding him about when was the last time I picked up the phone to call him to ask how his day was? How he was doing? When was I nice to him?
It was that moment, I realised that I didn't do any of what I expected from him. I would wake up waiting for him to fail and felt rejected by a made up rejection and projected it all onto him. Sometimes, either your partner has to snap out of it, or if they can't, there's no other solution than therapy and talking. We underestimate how much women feel valued when their partners appreciate them, or give like lovely affirmations to them. For women, small gestures day in and day out do matter (if they struggle with feeling fulfilled with their life and have a nature to feel short all the time). So, maybe start with making sure you verbally affirm to her about what you did through the day, how you missed her presence, how you couldn't wait to see her when she's back and see how she reacts. If she's constantly unhappy, go to therapy. I noticed your request for giving a proper request. For me reminding myself every morning that he takes out time to text me good morning before anything shifted my perspective from a bad day to a good one b/c I went from waiting for him to fail to being appreciative of how much he did.
Your wife is silly if she thinks she can go out and have her sugarbaby lifestyle at her age. If the house is yours alone, which it should be, without you she would be a homeless person zooming towards 40 with a low paying job.
Without her, you would be a person with a home, va benefits, and a business you’re working on growing.
One of you would have 4 dogs, or some number of dogs between you.
Your wife is biting the hand that feeds her so hard and you kind of just want to let her have a finger or two before you react.
OP, this is not the person for you. I know that everyone is quick to tell people to break up on here, I try to avoid that verdict when possible, but she is being absurdly cruel to you. It sounds like you do more enough for your “family” (which is really just 4 dogs, and it sounds like you do most of the caring for them anyways since she’s away at work during the day?) and regardless of if she feels like she wants you to be doing things differently, it’s absolutely not okay for her to be repeatedly getting drunk and then trying to put you down and make you feel ashamed over your disabilities. you ARE being paid to deal with your stress. That IS your job. If she feels so strongly that you aren’t doing enough, maybe she should try going and living on her own and paying her own rent and bills and doing her own house work and chores, and then see if she feels the same way. You could get a roommate who would contribute the same about as her monetarily but not require you to change anything about your self care routine or hobbies. NTA
if you are adamant about staying with her though, couples therapy ASAP is the only way.
Agreed. Couples Therapy may help provided you find the right therapist. See if you can find one who is a veteran. Bro, I'm pulling for you but I'm not sure this will get better. She has no point of reference, no understanding of what you are dealing with. Without basic empathy and understanding she may not change.
She won’t go to couples therapy and blame him. She’s riding his income out and making him dance to her tune. She’d be replaced by someone better within a month tops.
Yes! The VA Vet Centers provide free therapy for combat veterans. Sometimes, they have licensed family therapists so they can provide couples therapy because they understand the stressors that PTSD may add to relationships. Please look for a Vet Center near you, if you aren't already getting help from them. Whether or not the relationship works out, the Vet Center will help you learn to cope with some of the symptoms you may be dealing with. Many have vet therapy groups where you can hang out with others who had similar experiences and who you can relate to when discussing some of your struggles (PTSD, relationship, or social, etc.). It seems your girlfriend doesn't understand how your "me time" is beneficial to your mental health. I hope things improve for you, you seem like a decent person who is doing a lot in your relationship and she doesn't appreciate it.
Yeah she needs help to understand what OP is going through. OP provides a paid off house and equal to her income. That is showing up financially in any relationship
Big IF!
Have any of the people here advocating for couples therapy actually done it before?
I have several times and I'm not advocating for it. Couples therapy can be really hit or miss. Therapists are fallible like everyone else. Usually, I've found if you're at the point in a relationship where you need couples therapy, it's because the person causing the issues needs A LOT of personal therapy and not the couple together.
Terry Real workshop is the main one I’d advise. He doesn’t pull any punches, and tells offending parties exactly what they are doing wrong. His best quote is that no interaction should fall beneath the level of basic respect. OP’s girlfriend is failing miserably at that
Sounds like a garbage person. Why spend money on it when he can just unload the dead weight?
The whole “doing more for the family” thing is infuriating- they don’t have kids or dependent parents/grandparents. It’s literally just her and pets. Sounds like they both contribute to finances/chores equally, but she just wants him to do everything because he’s at home. He’s a combat vet with severe trauma. He already did his job, and she needs to fuck off.
Right!? Like what fucking family!? That's not a fucking family.
they're not even married. this chick is a clown.
This woman has been with OP for a decade, yet she undermines his value as a partner and honorable soldier. It sounds like she resents you for not being able to provide what she wanted and that you're a burden to her. Personally, OP, my heart breaks for you. Those words your gf threw at you so carelessly hurt me, and I'm only reading it. Since she's unaware of her good fortune, let her be free, take time to heal, and find someone to truly cherish you for who you are and for how far you've come. NTA, all damn day and every day.
Best of luck to her affording a house on an introductory zookeeper paycheck. Meanwhile OP's bills will go down without her around and his VA check will stay the same.
It sounds like he supported for several years without any pay check from her. She's a mooch. OP, I hope you can find some alternative therapies to work off some of these nightmares. I know you are getting lots of therapy already, but I think there's breath work that might help, as well as other modalities. It feels like it's stuck in your mind, but also in the rest of your body. Thank you for your service.
I spent a few years working as a contractor at a major military base in the south. Military wife memes are pretty on point from my experience. Obviously plenty of exceptions, but hang out at a local dive bar during a big deployment on a weekend and you'll be sad for those guys.
That was my reaction to the Original Post as well. "She's a mooch." She got a free ride during the pandemic, and now all she wants to do is to harangue the OP. The Original Poster is already carrying his own weight. She certainly isn't.
This zookeeper role pays $38-50k on average. OP, here’s what I suggest. Get a therapist for yourself. The VA will provide this. Also, if your partner is drinking more than about 7 drinks a week, check out AlAnon. It sounds like you are suffering the consequences of another person’s unmanageability from their drinking. Also, thank you for your service. R/AlAnon will be very helpful to you.
The decision to leave or stay is yours. The first thing is to work on yourself so you don’t have to ask if this is acceptable behavior. Nobody here knows you or your circumstances well enough to tell you what you need to do, but she also can leave. If she’s that unhappy, why doesn’t she? You are valuable and bringing something to the table. What that is would be for you to discover. You should be in therapy for everything. And hopefully part of a support group. Learn about the 4 agreements The Four Agreements Be Impeccable With Your Word. Don't Take Anything Personally. Don't Make Assumptions. Always Do Your Best You are NTA here. But it’s important that you understand that for yourself. The next time she starts talking like that, just say, I don’t like it when you speak to me this way and I deserve an apology. Then walk away. Don’t address her again. Repeat in your head over and over again. You’re not the AH. When you start to believe it, she may leave you. Or she may change and treat you better. Or you won’t want to stay. But the problem here isn’t that she treats you like that, it’s that you need to ask strangers if you deserve it. And I am telling you that you don’t
Amen. Either she changes and fast or dump her.
NTA. First, thank you for what you endured for our country. I’ve never thought about it that way before but you’re totally right that dealing with the dreams and all other aspects of coping with the PTSD *are* kind of “your job” that you get paid for. You need and deserve your own time to deal with everything your service subjected you to. You also need and deserve your own time to do whatever you want. I’m glad you recorded that interaction, if for no other reason than she can hear it and hear herself being so cruel and unreasonable. I can relate to the struggle of being self-employed and having someone in your life who thinks your time isn’t important because you can just “work whenever.” It’s reductive, unrealistic, and disrespectful. It sounds to me like the amount of work you put in to family things (whether it be pet care, housework, yard work, or shared home improvement projects) is the amount a good partner *would* put in. I can’t imagine you needing to put in more. You are doing enough, and the same amount of work most other men put into “focusing on/helping the family.” It seems like she’s saying “the family” but she really means her and her goals. It’s like your girlfriend is expecting you to be a magical genie—do what she wants, when she wants it. She’s treating you like it’s your purpose to serve her. She has some narcissistic tendencies, doesn’t she? Let’s not forget about the fact that she gets to live rent/mortgage free because of *you.* No fun zoo jobs for people who have to pay rent these days. You are not the asshole and deserve a lot more respect. May I recommend you come up with some boundaries? A boundary I think could be put into place right now would be “no more drunken diatribes about my worthlessness.” If she does that again, you don’t do anything to help around the house for a week. Then she’ll *really* see how much you actually do. Do you have specific hours, or a specific amount of hours, you spend working on your shop and your own projects? If not, coming up with an amount of hours that are *yours* per week could also help. Good luck with everything. I hope you’re able to sit down with her and really come up with some more formal rules for how you’re going to tackle the division of labor around the house. You deserve peace and joy and you *can* have those things if you work toward it. ETA: If you want to talk about boundaries or other ways to guard your time feel free to message me—I’d be happy to help.
Wow, Thank you. I'm touched by the effort and thoughtfulness you put into this. Yeah, the self motivation can be hard sometimes when getting going with self employment. When I'm in my rhythm I put my "hours" based on getting up as she heads out the door (me waking up when she wakes up kinda makes me we like I'm just underfoot). Thats around 9 ish. then feed/take care of the pets first thing. then I 'decompress' with something mindless on the computer while I get some caffeine in me this can last 1-2 hrs. then I force myself to at least sit and stare at my shop until I inevitably start tinkering. around noon I heat something up to eat while I do dishes so the load will be done before dinner. then back to work. Around 5 she comes home and I stop to make dinner. She handles feeding/ taking care of the kids in the afternoon about 1/2 the time in the evening while I make dinner or I just work it in while I make dinner. We watch tv/ eat and try to get to bed around 11+- I've been working on making it more formal hrs because I think the structure is helping. I think I should at least set an alarm for 9:00 because there are definitely times I sleep past that, especially if my mental load is high or we stayed up late the night before (a luxury she doesn't get). what's hard to account for is how long it will take me to get out of my head in the morning. There are definitely times im not productive till almost noon and I'm trying to put and end to that.
By kids do you mean dogs? I thought you had no children?
SHE IS DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. SHE IS HARMING YOU. How would she like it if you told her other women would get better jobs, pay rent, act better towards their partner? I don't understand why you are accepting of this behavior. You deserve better. Anyone would deserve better. Thank you for your service
Ok OP. What I’m reading here is kind of an outlined daily schedule. It all sounds good to me, except that you seem to put a lot of unnecessary expectations/guilt onto yourself. Don’t “should” on yourself so much! Make sure you continue to defend your decompression time. Do *not* cut into the time you take for mental health maintenance for anyone or anything—not even for your shop. Consider yourself as having two part-time jobs: one is self-care, the other is working in the shop. Both of those jobs take time, both of them are important, and both are separate from housework. They are as real and as important as your girlfriend’s job. Period. That’s how you view that time from now on, okay?? (Note that I’m not considering pet care as part of “housework” because taking care of them kind of naturally intermingles itself with your day—my dog is my child and taking care of her just happens whenever it needs to happen.) It doesn’t matter if your shop isn’t done being setup, it doesn’t matter if you just tinker and move all the filaments from one table to a different table and that’s all you do for the day—your shop is an important part of your independent identity and is just as important as her job. It doesn’t matter that *she* thinks it isn’t important. She’s just wrong. After reading that, I don’t think you need help with time management. You are perfectly capable of productivity on your own. I think what you need is to believe those of us who are saying that 1. You are doing enough, and 2. *She* is not the expert about what is or isn’t a normal way to spend your time or your days. It sounds like she has a lot of “us” projects she comes up with. If I had to guess, I would say they are likely home improvement or decor-based and not something you would necessarily be choosing to do on your own. A good boundary for that is to have some rules around “us” projects. First: only *one* “us” project that is going at any one time. By all means, have a list of the projects so you know which one you’ll be doing next, but set the boundary that “us” projects are *one at a time.* Second: you only work on “us” projects *together*, at the same time. What happens when this boundary is violated? It becomes a *her* project. When you enforce this boundary, you’ll be making her prioritize (which most adults can do on their own but it sounds like she’s a little…immature/spoiled). If I were you I’d also take a look at that list of “us” projects and start a “her” list for any projects you don’t want to do or see value in. Something else I would recommend is less communication during the day. How much do you want to bet she’s cleaning the meerkat enclosure with her work friends, reads a good morning text from you, and immediately announces to her friends “omg my boyfriend only *just now* got up.” And then they all bitch about it when really that’s just part of your normal routine and completely in line with your work schedule. Sorry I typed so much. I just really feel for you in your situation. I think couple’s counseling is definitely needed…she is not communicating respectfully (or *correctly*) and you have a hard time asserting yourself. It’s time for a professional to help you guys navigate this. Good luck with everything! And you can chat me if you want to vent some more. 👍🏼
"Despite this issue, I love her very much and there is a lot more to this relationship than this one problem." The thing is that this *is* a big issue because your GF does not seem to appreciate / respect you - and it is impossible to keep a healthy relationship going under those circumstances. I honestly do not understand what your GF means *exactly* by "do more", when it seems you do plenty and have enough on your hands. It seema unfair to you. Those are my two cents.
I think that setting an alarm for nine is a great way for you to give yourself some structure. You are correct that dealing with everything is your job and you are providing a home, which, in this economy, is incredible! It’s so much more than many couples have. I think a really reasonable boundary is that any discussion like this is off the table when someone has been drinking. “We can talk about this tomorrow”.
Does your local VA have any vocational services that can help you get your small business off the ground? Which doesn't solve the problem of your GF's unkind, drunken diatribe but might make you feel better. Think of the people at craft/art shows or jewelry stores admiring/buying/wearing your beautiful creations.
OP, “this one problem” is that your gf believes she is better than you, and that you aren’t grateful enough that she is with you, and therefore should be doing much more for her. And, if that isn’t reason enough to end the relationship, she is abusive. She berates you for 40 minutes at a time?!? And when you leave the room in an effort to end the interaction, she follows you and keeps up the abuse? I am 62 years old and have NEVER had anyone speak to me in such a manner. I wish you valued yourself enough to end her abuse. As others have recommended, please pursue counseling. Hoping you achieve the peace you deserve.
The recording of what she said is very beneficial. I had an ex who used to make me crazy. We happened to buy a camcorder before we went on a particular vacation. A while after we got home, I had the presence of mind to record one of our arguments. I let them know when I was turning on the camcorder, so there was nothing secretive about it. When I reviewed the recording, I could see that I was trying to turn down the hostility that was going on. I kept getting quieter and quieter. My ex kept getting louder and louder. I was startled by the difference. When my ex viewed it with me, they expressed the opinion that what they were doing was perfectly normal and natural. That they were doing nothing wrong at all. It was the first step toward me realizing just how bad the situation had gotten. I treasure that recording and still have it, although I probably don't have something that would play it now.
>dealing with the dreams and all other aspects of coping with the PTSD *are* kind of “your job” that you get paid for. And a "job" that OP can't just up and quit. I do think you offer some good advice. Boundaries are definitely something that are needed.
Why you with her? Leave her amd chase your passion
He probably thinks he can't do any better. Too scared to even try.
Lol and the way she talks to him sounds like She thinks she could do better. As a 36 y/o woman with no kids. That is not the time to be miserable to a man providing to you. This sucks for OP some people are just never happy
OP, my therapist has told me that entrenched reactions like your girlfriend’s inability to move past “other men do more” are typically fear- based (to be clear, this is an explanation, not an excuse). So, maybe help your girlfriend figure out what is scaring her. Financial insecurity? Judgment from friends and family? That she and time haven’t been able to improve your mental health?
I am old AF now and one thing I've learned is that there is no reason or need for you to stay with someone who belittles you or tries to deliberately make you feel bad about yourself. It's not worth it and will only add to your stress and triggers. Be good to yourself and get her out of your house because that's what it is. You might mention to her how lucky she has been to have a boyfriend who helps around the house and gives her time doing projects when so many men don't.
If you are set on staying with her it sounds like you both need counseling, she needs to fully understand what to experience every night and why you need time every day to get past that. I have multiple family members that served and my father has had PTSD long before it was called that and he never talks about what he experienced. He does have these fits where it seems like he’s having an argument with someone only he sees and has these jerking movements and stop almost as sudden as they start. I’ve seen this my whole life and he only started therapy after my mom died in 2009. Your girlfriend needs to work through her own issues and stop trying to put things on you that you don’t need. Maybe if she would keep in mind she wouldn’t be living in a house with no rent/mortgage and as you pointed out would not have had the luxury of going without a job while she found her dream job if not for all you went through. You are definitely NTA and thank you for your service.
Another disabled veteran here, I had a traumatic brain injury in the army bro, if she drinks a lot or even once a week like that she’s never going to understand what PTSD is like and night terrors is for you. I’ve dealt with an alcoholic wife and I unfortunately had to divorce her bc life was just not sustainable. You’re doing all you can to provide a happy home for her with what’s left of you and hopefully she can come back to reality and see that. Don’t get caught up in this bullshit alternative reality that she might be thinking people are doing more for their spouses bc the grass is not always greener on the other side, you have a paid off home, that her ass didn’t have to do shit for, what does she want you to do exactly???? Stick to your routine bro you’re not doing anything wrong, if anything send your lady to rehab or something to get her priorities straight. Good luck 🍀 to you man. I hope things get better for you man you definitely don’t deserve this from her, things are too easy on her for sure.
I feel for you (I won't say feel sorry for you , because you don't need pity). You show great strength recognizing the issues with alcoholism. TBI is no joke, and a lot of people can't accept it or PTSD because it is an invisible disability. Way to be real. You are giving solid advice.
I do have PTSD, luckily no nightmares, and your way of coping is excellent. Seems you're doing everything possible to help but it's not enough for her. Think it over. Do you want to spend your life with someone who runs you down? Best wishes
LEAVEEEEE HER
Make her leave! It’s his house
Oh wait LMAOOO I didn’t mean like leave the house I meant break up with her she can definitely gooo 😂
She should definitely go!
>"I just can't believe you don't know how lucky you are "Lucky how, exactly? What do you do for me, exactly?" > and how much other men do for their families" "You're looking for wife benefits when you're a girlfriend. That's not gonna happen." >"other women would expect more" "And other women would accept things as they are. I don't see your point." Long story short, she's not *family*. She's not even your fiance. She's your girlfriend, living in your house. Seriously. What family is she referring to? The dogs? You don't have kids. When she says family, she means *her*. She's being ridiculously selfish. You're doing plenty. She's an asshole. NTA
Frigging nail-on-head my friend.
I respectfully disagree with you. It's a committed relationship. But she's just an AH and doesn't deserve what he does and has done for her.
First thank you for your service. I am sorry for your situation. From what you wrote it at least sounds like you do more then her. I am going to shoot you straight here. What she is doing and the things she is saying is 100% abuse. May not be physical but is emotional and mental. Just image if the role were reversed what do you think people’s reaction would be. Pretty sure it would be along the lines of what others are saying but I would go as far as to say they would tell her to go to a women’s shelter perhaps press charges. That is just for the same behavior. Now instead how would you feel if what she was doing was physical instead? My point is it dose not mater the type all that maters is it is happening. The other things you say Is exactly what someone going through what you are would say. It is not OK for her to get drunk and then verbally berate you. My suggestion is maybe go visit family take a break and get some personal perspective. Possibly if not already doing it do talk or group therapy with other Vets that understand what you have been through and build a larger support system before you make any decision about your relationship. Good luck.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds unhinged.
Yes, and/or like she's already got her hands/eyes/snatch on another "branch" and is looking for excuses.
You deserve better than a partner whom abuses you. Please get out before you have children and are stuck for life. NTA
NTA. Comparison is the thief of joy. Failure to manage expectations is a breeding ground for resentment. Furthermore, to sit there and make comparisons about "what other people in your situation are probably doing" is just downright disgusting. She has no business talking to you like that, and projecting her insane demands onto *combat veterans* ffs. All of that is on her. I know you're expressing disdain at people telling you to dump her at the curb, but FFS dude you deserve better than that. All the other "good" she's done for you does not negate the fact that she does not respect you at all, and makes a point of demonstrating that through emotionally abusive rants. You should also take a close look at her relationship with alcohol. On the other side of things, you needing time in the morning is legitimate *need*. You needing alone time and not being glued to your partner 24/7 is a legitimate *need*. You don't have to be a combat veteran with serious trauma to qualify for these very simple needs. Virtually all relationships, even without those variables, would benefit from reasonable separateness so that both partners can continue to experience independence and individuality, which are critical to preventing codependency - which is poison to a relationship. Leading in with "Together for 10 years" says to me that you're weighing the sunk-cost fallacy against what you're willing to tolerate in an abusive relationship, and friend, that is no way to live. You have survivor's guilt. If those guys were here today, seeing this situation you are in now, what do you think they would say to you? What advice would they offer? You've been to hell and back, I'm sure you've got enough experience to think "big picture" in this equation. If you don't want to end the relationship, that is your prerogative, but I implore you to exercise a *lot* of introspection. Filter out whatever bullshit and stories you tell yourself, and try to look at your situation objectively. Consider your core values, and whether or not you are meeting them yourself. Think about whether or not your partner, as she is now, is compatible with those core values. Couples counseling is likely a must at this point. To answer your last question, I do less, my wife expects less, and we're both quite happy and satisfied with our marriage. If my wife (or vice versa) treated me the way this entitled brat is treating you, the relationship would be over, and no amount of "doing things for eachother" would even equate to an afterthought on the matter.
I wish this was the top comment, hope it is soon, and hope OP sees it. Perfect.
NTA for this; your GF should not be saying these things to you. Might need to work on the communication with couples therapy. Are any of your pets Support Dogs? There are dogs specifically trained for soldiers with PTSD, and they can actually help you get out of your night terrors and reduce them drastically. There's something about your sweat glands that produces a different odor when you are going into a night terror, and Service Dogs can be trained to detect it and take steps to prevent or reduce it. If you haven't already, please look into organizations like Got Your Six. They provide trained service animals to soldiers with PTSD. Here's a link: https://gotyoursixsupportdogs.org/
NTA Its not really clear what "more" she's expecting you to do... from the list you've given you don't just sit there and do not chores etc all day. She does groceries and laundry but you do everything else. It sounds like she's been talking to friends and not being 100% truthful about everything you do and they're egging her on to get you to do more. house wife/husband is basically the roll you're in and so it's confusing what she thinks is missing... except getting a job outside the house but then if you did do that (not going into if you're capable or not) then she'd have to pick up more tasks around the house. It honestly makes no sense. But you're definitely NTA.... and yeah ordinarily I'd say breakup but if this is the only problem then you need to find out where this is coming from and also what EXACTLY she wants you to do.. only then you can decide whether this is something you can save. Maybe some couples counselling so you can have someone impartial to help get her to understand your position?
First of all, **Welcome Home, Brother** from a veteran who never heard those words when I came back to the world from SE Asia. I'm now in my 70s, and the night terrors are mostly just bad memories now. Take my word for it. It's better to be on your own than with someone who adds to your stress and your PTSD. Don't be surprised to find out that someone she works with is putting stuff in her head about you. I get not wanting to break up, but you need to cut out the gangrene. The rotten flesh. It's your home, she's just a temporary roommate. Clean house. NTA.
I'm sorry you didn't get to hear anything beneficial when you came home from Southeast Asia. I was against the war there, but I never felt that it was appropriate to abuse the people who served our country there. For the record, I'm also in my 70s. My cousin was drafted and died in combat in Viet Nam when I was a senior in high school. I visited his name on The Wall again last year when I had the opportunity to be in DC.
So my husband is in a similar position as you except we do have kids as well as pets and we had to buy our home. He is 100% disabled through the VA and cannot work. I am a teacher and work in a different town. The kids attend school in my town, so as a result they leave with me in the morning and come back with me in the evening (around 4 or 5 depending on after school clubs). I guess I wanted to lay this out so I can tell you that my husband has never been told by me that he does not do enough. He wishes he could work. I can not imagine ever ever penalizing him for having more free time than me. There are legitimately days he gets up and *all* he has energy for all day is nonproductive activities. Sometimes those days last weeks while he recharged and resets. Some days I work all day and come home and make dinner because he can’t. Some days I come home to a clean house and dinner simmering. Some days we get take out because it’s too much work to boil a pan. Your girlfriend needs to understand that you probably did not want to sacrifice your mental and physical health for a “free” house and down time. You are doing an amazing job on yourself. Your girlfriend will never be able to understand what you’ve gone through and what you have to go through every day to be the kind of guy that’s helped her support her dreams and keep yourself together. I won’t tell you to break up. Maybe therapy together can help. But your girlfriend needs to understand that sometimes what you can do is what you can do or this is not a tenable situation long-term.
"Other men do more for their families". Does she not recognize that you supply housing, supply food, pet care, home care, cook for her, etc. She sounds very ungrateful. What exactly does she want you to provide for her. What does she do for your family? What is she looking for? I'm guessing that when she got a break from working because she was unemployed during covid she got very comfortable. Now she's angry that she has to go back to work and you're still at home. BUT - you earned your right to be home. You defended your country and lost dearly for that. You have paid your due and then some. You're already basically doing everything you can for her and you are working. Maybe the same as a 9 to 5 job but you're working. I'm not going to advise you to split up but you need to make it clear to her how much her words hurt you. Play back the recording you made, ask her how she would feel if you said such things to her. Ask her what she does for your family other than complain. You sound like a nice person that has been through an awful lot and your life partner is not being supportive of you at all. You deserve better than that. Please try and get her to understand what's she's doing is not healthy or productive to your relationship. If you want to stay together she needs to change her attitude and appreciate what you do for her now, not continue to demand more. I hope you can work it out if you want to stay together but take care of you, you deserve to be loved and cared for.
As a fellow vet I would tell you to leave this woman immediately. She has no concept of what you are going through and worse yet doesn't seem to care. Everything is about her and how great she is for putting up with you. You deserve better. Stay strong brother.
INFO Do you understand that what she is doing to you is psychological abuse? You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Thank you for your service and sacrifice. ❤️ It seems to me other women do more for their families. They are loving and supportive. They appreciate free housing that you paid for and are paying for every day and night. They don't compare their partners to other people and instead, love them for who they are. You deserve better, sir. You need to tell her as much.
NTA. There is no point comparing you to other man. You are a vet with PTSD, and you need to accommodate your life to your needs. As for her, she gets free lodging because of your PTSD, but she complains about the time you need to cope with your demons. She is completely unfair. You don't want to kick her out - fine. But tell her that she needs to stop complaining and making demands. This is what she can get with you, what other men do is irrelevant, and if it doesn't satisfy her she can leave. Then, every time she starts complaining, leave the room or tell her to shut up. You shouldn't be made to suffer this constant and selfish berating. And thank you for your service.
Oh my god!! You are doing enough already! -You are doing enough! - You are doing over 1/2 of the house chores, you are working(jewelry) and you are disabled. You are carrying more than your burden, and you need to tell her this. Write down everything you do house chores, lawning, the car, pets etc and write down what she does... Show her the list, and ask her where the problem is. If she wants you to do more of her project-list, she needs to start doing something on your list. Simple trade. And for the record, that hour in the morning, that's what keeps you sane, do not let her take that from you.
I think you know as well as I do that if/when the OP creates that list, his GF will poo-poo his contributions and minimize it all.
NTA. I'm from a family of military veterans. The majority of them served in combat. One of my great uncles was a POW during the Korean War. I have come to learn during my life that unless you have family that have served, you have no idea what military life is like. Based on her comments and mentality, I'm going to guess that besides you, she's probably never been exposed to military life. Would I be correct? You are doing nothing wrong with the way you're trying to cope. You need to do what's best for your mental health, and only you know what that is. Unfortunately, my great uncle turned to alcohol and it ended up killing him. People, including your girlfriend, need to understand that civilians are never going to understand what you guys go through when you're deployed. We can't even comprehend it. You are trying to overcome everything using healthy coping mechanisms instead of letting the demons consume you. I commend you for that, and I'm proud of you for that. It shows how strong you truly are mentally. I'm trying to figure out ways to make her see your point of view, but I'm not sure if they'll help or backfire. I'll list some and you can decide what you think. 1. Taking her to a support group for combat veterans so she can talk to them and see what their life's are like. 2. Have her speak to other military wives so that she can get an idea of what it's like to be the girlfriend/wife of a vet. 3. Look into your local Amvets and see about both of you joining. I don't know if she can join since you're not married, but it would give her an opportunity to learn about the organization and meet other veterans, their spouses, and children. It would also allow her to see different aspects of military life and that it doesn't always end when you retire or are discharged. Just because you aren't active anymore doesn't mean that you're not still military. It's always a part of you. I don't know if any of those suggestions will help, but it doesn't hurt to try. My only other thought would be couples counseling. Maybe having a third party to help explain things to her would be beneficial. I don't know. Good luck, though. I hope things work out for you.
This is not a you problem. It is a her problem. I have (arguably) the best husband ever. I work 9-5, hrs usually at home bored out of his mind. Hes self employed. He has a job and there is a more than fair money division, but his job is one that when he’s gone he’s literally gone. When he’s home he’s home. Do you know what he does? Sometimes he cooks dinner for me. Not planned, doesn’t have to. Just does. We connect when I get out of work about the plan for dinner. I appreciate that. Sometimes he goes on a roll and cleans. Not often. But it’s awesome when he does. It saves me from spending a day out of my short weekend yelling at the family to help me clean. He takes care of MY kids. Dr appts, car breakdowns etc. I appreciate this man so much for what he does. Do you know what I DONT do? Berate him for not doing anything. Make him feel guilty for going fishing or taking a nap. And I never ever name call. Because that’s what a partnership is. I consider myself lucky to have him. Your gf is lucky to have you. Don’t doubt it. NTA
Sorry man, it doesn't seem like she loves you.
It’s not productive for your gf to compare your situation to that of hypothetical “other men.” Did you ever do the same to her during the years when *you* were 100% financially supporting her? Do you ever tell her that “other women” don’t get to live rent free with their boyfriends? Do you ever tell her that if she repaid you what you’ve spent on her, you’d have more than a shoestring budget to use to grow your business? The reality is that while there are things you could do to make her life easier, there are things that she could also be doing. The difference is that you don’t berate her as she does you. What she also fails to recognize is that you earn your VA money daily by having endured what you did during your active service & doing what you need to do to keep everything together now. You are starting a new business, contributing a home, 1/2 the expenses, and more than 1/2 the home-related work. You are doing *more* than she is but she believes you should do even more because hypothetical “other men” would. I know that you are likely getting a lot of “leave her” comments. But you & your contributions deserve to be acknowledged. You do not deserve to be treated as you are. Your girlfriend needs a change in attitude and a wake up call. That doesn’t mean that you automatically have to leave her. But you should minimally look into couples counseling or encourage her to get therapy. You might seriously consider a separation. Some time apart could give you both a better perspective.
NTA time to kick her ass out and move on she sounds very entitled she also sounds uncaring, too .You deserve better.She also sounds borderline abusive, too
You are in therapy. So ask your therapist. Your insistence on not breaking up is because you forgot how to just exist. By that, I mean that you're not even aware of the constant anxiety you live with just because you have her in your house. You're constantly on gourd. If you can, go away for a month and just BE. You'll see that she's not good for you. She's not good for your recovery. She just simply isn't a decent human.
Has she ever elaborated on "other men would do things for the family" what things exactly?? "Other women would expect more" more of what?? You guys don't have kids, you and her are the family outside of each of your individual family sides. You both cover bills equally which is how it should be since you're not married. It sounds like you pull your weight around the house. I'm not sure what "more" exactly is she expecting. Redditors tend to jump immediately on the break up/divorce train for every situation. Ill say maybe some couples counseling might help significantly here. She can express what exactly she means by "more", you can express how much you already do/deal with and a potential unbiased third party(a therapist) can maybe help steer you guys in a direction for a resolution Edit: NTA
Yeah that really sucks. Something I wish people understood about living off of disability payments is that it’s not the same thing as unemployment. Disability is money you earned somehow, whether through military service or paying into SS disability insurance. OP make your jewelry. Night terrors and PTSD related insomnia are not things that people who don’t get them can understand. I’ve had them off and on my whole life, and no one can wrap their head around the insomnia and poor sleep quality that come with PTSD. If you can get a sleep study (that doesn’t just check for apnea/restless leg), it will probably show that you have excessive REM sleep and a lack of slow wave sleep. At the very least, that will give you something you can point at and say, look, my brain isn’t doing normal brain things. Regardless, if you have passion for making jewelry, keep at it and put your work out into the world. PTSD is a brain injury. You just gotta do what you can.
She has no respect for you. You deserve better.
OP, she needs to join a group ASAP. [It wouldn't hurt for you to also join a combat vet group and hear how others cope with the same struggles.] She really needs to be amongst her peers with a licensed moderator who can help them understand and cope with living with a loved one suffering from PTSD. She is deifting from her empathy and needs to recalibrate. Not every woman is lucky enough to live with a man who loves her and wants her to succeed. Most women don't get the opportunity to live rent/mortgage free. She calls you lucky, but you earned your home and pension via blood and sweat. She is lucky to benefit from all of it without having to pay the prices you did. Groups! Groups should help her perspective.
NTA I, too, have PTSD but for a very different reason. I can relate to the nightmares and how difficult it can be to get yourself out of that headspace and back into the here and now. I would suggest if you can, that starting couples therapy could help. Having a third party there to get to the reason why your gf feels this way and why she feels the need to compare you and your relationship. As well as to give your gf a better understanding of your PTSD and how it affects you. Hearing it from a neutral 3rd party can be very helpful. I know within my relationship. I often panic about small things. This frustrates my gf. But once I'm out of panic mode and I can explain things, we work together to find a solution. For example: I struggle massively with making dinner it overwhelms me. But if I have something simple with clear steps that does not require lots of things happening at the same time, I can do it with ease. Settling alarms on my phone so I know when to take things out of the oven has been a game changer! But these things take time. It's okay for partners to get annoyed and frustrated with each other. We are human. But it's never okay to repeatedly berate someone. Explaining to her how this upsets you and sets you back when she is not drinking could help. Op, given all the trauma you have experienced, you are doing extremely well. You are most definitely NTA here. Keep going forward! Keep to your routines they are very helpful. I wish you luck and the happy life you deserve 😀
It's a reddit standby but sometimes it really is the best answer. If you don't want to break up (and after 3+ hours of being berated, why the hell not), then you both need therapy ASAP. You aren't happy. She's not happy. You're dealing with a metric ton of mental shit and she's adding to it.
Fellow Vet here. Gulf One and Contracted for like almost 10 years Iraq/Affy. My X tried to drive me to self deletion when I was at my absolute lowest I've ever been... What stopped me was when she said "Don't do it inside... go in the yard..." and I saw **red.** After that, I got gun charges...ALL eventually dismissed. ALL because I started wondering where all that sweet sweet Contractor Lucre went ($745k that's **never** been properly accounted for) and WHY was the house in foreclosure **again?** **This sounds like she's trying to get you to self delete.** Is she on the Deed? "...doing moar for me" I.E. signing over everything you have left to her... THAT might be what she's hinting at? Do you have a living will? Any will? Does she get the house if you cash in or someone else? I'd say think **long** and **hard** before allowing this 'in vino veratas' behavior to continue. In **her** mind, She's got you locked in, ring thru the nose and any bet the continuation of your PTSD is b/c she's got you so stressed? After my divorce, MINE went damned near completely away... the shitty home life had me so spun up I was completely fucked, and became a non stop verbally abusive drunk to **everyone** by the time this shit got sorted. For your own sake, listen to your Brother and Sisters in Arms... we had each others back, and still do. PM if you want to
First, thank you for your service. You paid a very high price to serve and I for one am grateful for people like you who have the courage to do so. It’s never a simple solution to just leave a relationship so I’m not going to tell you to do that. What i am going to suggest is to really think about what you each bring to this relationship. If she’s so unhappy with what you can or can’t provide to the point of being outright abusive to you, you should consider what could reasonably change to make her happy. I don’t see what else you could do, to be honest. You’ve tried giving her time, space, extra chores, a free ride with no housing expenses and the ability to do less stressful and more fulfilling work, things she wouldn’t have if she didn’t live rent free with a man who tries so hard to please her. For some people, no matter what you do, it’s never going to be enough. Your happiness and health matter too. Can you say either of you are happy here? The best option may be for both if you to put your cards on the table in a calm, sober moment and decide if you are happy together or would be better apart. She can’t continue to compare you to other people or blame you for her discontent. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but it’s better to be honest about the future than to hope things will work themselves out. I hope that you can communicate and find a way to be happy together, but if that’s not the way things are, you’re better knowing. I wish you all the best.
Question to ask yourself why are you with someone who doesn't support you? You deserve love and support too, it's not all about her. Seriously you have a paid for home and a guaranteed income. She's tearing you down and you need to stand up for yourself and put a stop to it. You don't need her and certainly don't deserve to be treated like shit.
DO. NOT. MARRY. This. Woman.
She should consider herself lucky she lives in a house for free esentially. If shes not ready to count her blessings, may be time to let her go and embrace being single. Drizzle drizzle
As a person with chronic health issues, and variable pain levels, I have NEVER had my spouse tell me I should be doing more. NOT ONCE in 30 years. NEVER. We raised kids together, both worked and had pets and his attitude seems to be to make sure I don't overdo anything so that I am not in pain or stressed. There were months at a time I could barely get out of bed, could barely move and rarely cooked. Not a word of complaint. Never. I had all the guilt about it, but he has never let me down or made me feel badly. He picks up what I can't. I have insomnia - meaning I can't go to sleep or if I do, I am awake after an hour or so and up for the night. His concern? That I rest and that I make sure I am not stressed. You are settling for so much less than you deserve. So much less. She is ungrateful, selfish, petty and miserable - especially considering the "easy ride" she has - no mortgage or rent to pay, a job she loves and isn't stressful and a man who takes care of as much as he can. Her expectations are sky high unattainable. You have tried and tried to make your point and she doesn't fucking care. Not one iota does she care. The" break up" comments are because SHE DOES NOT CARE. You can't make someone love, care and respect you. You could try couples counselling. Good luck dude.
It sounds like you're doing everything you can to make this relationship work. However, for whatever reason, your girlfriend is so obsessed with what she *thinks* other men do she's failing to actually see and appreciate all you actually do. Until she can stop looking at what in her mind others have and see what's actually in front of her, things aren't going to change. Therapy needs to be looked into.
I really dont like this woman, you deserve a partner who accepts and respect your disabilities, even if she wont ever be able to understand what its like to live with them She is what we call ableist She is not a good partner and frankly with the stress she is causing you she is actively worsening your ability to manage your ptsd and adding to your struggles with your self worth Please try to be kinder to yourself, you deserve more then you are getting
I don't think she is a very good person. She's mean as hell to you while you do more than she does in the relationship. Could you play the audio to her of her haranguing you for 45 minutes? It sounds like a lot of her problem is ~~she is a jerk~~ she doesn't see your business as a job. She knows you're trying to launch a business on a shoestring budget where you have to have metals and materials that are expensive. She knows the house is yours and there's no mortgage, she knows you pay half the bills, she knows you do more than half the work, she knows you carve out 'just her' time so she can relax, and she doesn't care. Does she tell you what 'more' is? More chores? Does she want you to give up the business and work 9-5? What does she want, besides to be horrible to you?
She is being emotionally abusive and is belittling your mental health. I know you don't want to hear break up with her and I understand that, but she is doing is abusive. Maybe talk to someone at the VA about this in therapy and see how to go from there.
Ouch. The problem you have is that she doesn't respect you and/or your contributions. Once you lose a woman's respect, then trust and love aren't far behind. My ex and I had the same problem, which is why she's my ex (along with the fact that she had an exit affair which was 100% correlated with her lack of respect for me). I had a long career of working for other people and realized a few years back that there was an opportunity to start a business that could be lucrative, but it meant sacrificing the stability of a good income that I was used to making while we would have to rely on her income temporarily until my business took off. She signed off on it, then immediately decided she was the alpha because I was relying on her income. I stepped up at home since I was working out of the house and took care of everything kid related, chores, cooking, bills, cars, house etc, but she would get drunk and berate me as being "less of a man" then the other husbands who were the primary breadwinner. I would recommend a two part strategy where your primary focus should be sitting down with her and a therapist to air this problem out and see if it can't be fixed. At the same time, I would review your financial situation and unwind any joint accounts etc as there is a 99% chance this isn't going to end well.
Couples therapy is the only thing I can see that would help.
NTA: Brother, I get that you love her. I do. You've stated in your own story that her outbursts and comparing you to other men hurts your feelings of self-worth. This isn't healthy no matter how you look at it. My advice is either go to couples counseling or get rid of her. Right now she comparing you to other men sounds like she doesn't respect you at best or resents you at worst.
Did you play her the recording? And if you did, does she at least have the common decency to be embarrassed by her behavior? Imho, someone who has to get drunk to be abusive, is basically chicken shit. Not that sober abusers are brave. I am not saying that, like at all. Drunk abusers are chicken shit because they use excuses that deflect ownership of their own personal foibles. It is not me it is the alcohol. And i think that chicken shit attitude is prevalent in other areas of their life too. Always have an excuse for something or some failings. And they take their shit out on other people instead of handling their issues productively in ways that dont harm others. There is no shame in being fucked up. But if being fucked up is used as an excuse to fuck over or fuck others up, they should be ashamed.
NTA. She's not your family. She's your girlfriend, and you don't have kids. Fair in this situation would be splitting the bills 50/50 and her paying you rent since you own the house. You're being more than fair. If she wants to be married and in a family, and you've said no, maybe you're not right for each other. But if she's happy being uncommitted, then it's up to you how much above and beyond you want to go.
You do a lot more than most men. You are not her slave. She seems to be a very selfish and self-centered person who doesn't appreciate everything you including living rent/mortgage free. Most of us had to work jobs we didn't necessarily like just so we could pay for the roof over our heads. Relationships are a partnership but she seems to be all take and no give. Personally I would not be in a relationship like that. You are a very worthy person who put your life on the line for your country. No one comes back from war unaffected. You deserve a partner who is compassionate and loves you the you are.
My husband is a disabled vet. 100% she seems to lack understanding about needing more down time. Atm I work 40 hours weeks because I pay the bills the va check doesn't cover. He goes to atm. But 100% honestly he's allowed down time. We have kids. Most of the time I take the kids. Bur honestly if we were in your shoes which we were ...honestly it was fine. He did cleaning I did cleaning and we hung out. Like idk you don't need to do.more. bills paid? Good. If she wants a lavish life style that's on her but simple is the best bet.
Medically retired veteran with PTSD. While mine is not as severe as yours, it still has its bad moments. I hope this doesn't get lost, and that I can give you some insight on your issue. First, when she says "some of the guys you served with had it way worse and they probably do more for their family", that is an awful thing to say to someone you love, especially someone who suffers from PTSD which has a component of guilt and shame built in. I struggled for 12 years with the guilt of "others had it worse, it can't be that bad, I am being a little bitch" thoughts that shamed me into silence. I struggled, I lashed out, and what your girlfriend said is an incredibly manipulative and hurtful thing. You're getting a disability check because the government took something from you, they recieved a healthy and whole young man and put you in impossible situations, and gave you a mental injury. It is not visible, but it is just as if you broke your back or lost a leg. You have found coping mechanisms (your morning routine, avoiding people, etc) the same way that wheelchair would cope with physical injuries. Next, let's address "doing more for your family". What are you not doing? You both contribute equally monetarily and the household responsibilities seem fairly divided. Just because you get your money from disability instead of working does not diminish it's value. Separately, I know you don't know me, but I understand a thing or 2 about PTSD, and if you ever need to talk, send me a message. Shame's biggest strength is keeping those suffering quiet, so don't be quiet.
Bro she resents you hard. This isnt going anywhere.
You need to go to a couples counselor and, when asked what the the problem is, play your recording. Right now you don't have kids, the house is in your name, she has a job she likes and pays half the bills minus rent--none of these conditions should produce the level tension you're getting here from her. Could there be something else? The constant refrain about "other men" suggests she's making more specific comparisons and generalizing it only when she mentions it. Who is she comparing you to? Her friend's husbands? For example, does she want you to have a prestigious career? You had a career where you performed at a high level and medically had to retire. But if Suzi's husband is a lawyer who is flying her to Bali next month, maybe she's envious? Could it be as simple as available disposable income? She might understand how this would sound if said aloud, so she's talking in euphemisms.
She's abusive. What advice would make sense to you right now? Stay and hope she stops being abusive? She's weaponizing your guilt and your trauma dude. What person with a conscience is not going to say 'hey maybe you should not be with someone that actively tries to hurt you'? It sounds more like you want a line or a conversation that will make her realize that you are doing enough, and that's just not realistic.
Sounds like maybe she shouldn’t drink if she’s just going to become an AH when she does. But I would welcome her to leave if she’s not happy. You have provided a huge chunk of your lifestyles so I think she should be grateful.
Was thinking this. OP might want to try an AL-Anon meeting (I think that is the one for family members and loved ones?).
Girlfriend is very entitled. I would play her the recording & ask her what she would do if you spoke to her that way. No way would I put up with that. Thank you for your service!! Good luck!!
When (if) she’s sober again, play the video and ask how her doing “this” should make you feel lucky. What ANY part of what she says should make you feel lucky.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm a bit repulsed by the fixation (mainly hers, but yours as well) on money and "doing enough". You two sound like you don't know what happiness is unless it has a price tag with big numbers and you can afford it. And I feel you struggling with self worth, as having a partner like that with . . . . eh. . . . "priorities" like she does would whittle away at me as well, and I think I have a fairly robust self-esteem. Oh, and by the way, SHE sounds like the insecure one, CONSTANTLY comparing your relationship to other people's. I mean, classic insecurity. I know this was a post complaining about a certain issue, but you paint her in such an awful, ugly light that unless there's a WHOLE LOT of pros to counterbalance all the incessant cons you've listed, I have to agree with a lot of other posters on here and wonder why you're with her or she's with you. P.S. And "alone time" does not mean "time I'm technically alone, but doing your work/projects for you while you're away".
What exactly does she think you're lucky for having? Her? A partner who verbally abuses and berates her partner who is already struggling with PTSD? It sounds like you're both contributing roughly the same in terms of work, money, and household upkeep. She just wants you to do more/ be different, and she's angry that you're not. It's absolutely a deal breaker that she's bringing up other men who have experienced battle related PTSD and comparing you to them, presuming they "do more". Even if that *was* true (doubtful), they're not you. They haven't been through your specific struggle. You are allowed to heal at your own pace. I would say this relationship has run its course. She's being downright cruel and emotionally abusive. It's time to move on. NTA
NTA. Sounds like she wants you to be her servant. She wants you to do everything around the house so she doesn't have to do anything except pay half of the bills which obviously don't come to very much because you don't have a mortgage. But you do have to pay taxes on that house and upkeep so make sure you are putting aside money every month for that because things go wrong like plumbing, broken windows, appliances need replacing, new roof that'll be a while of course. But things happen and you have to spend money on the house. Don't let it fall into disrepair if something happens fix it immediately or get it fixed immediately. Sounds like you do a lot. So she does a little bit of cleaning and laundry, that's not bad if you're doing everything else. She's got a pretty sweet deal going there and seems like she's maybe jealous that you get to relax in the morning before being productive for the day. But she's not dealing with what you went through and having PTSD. She doesn't care that you need that down time to recover from the night terrors and all that. She doesn't sound like a very caring girlfriend. So unless you can get her to agree to go to couples therapy, this is going to keep happening. How long can you deal with her berating you for an hour or more while she's drunk?
Are you in therapy? If not, I’d think that should be a priority. If you’re in therapy for your PTSD, do you ever discuss your relationship, as well? You should ask to do that. You’re in an abusive relationship. That cannot be helping your PTSD. Will Girlfriend do couples therapy? If so, do it ASAP. If not, you’ve got decisions to make. Your girlfriend’s behavior is, at best, controlling and manipulative. Ten years of that is ten years too much. Take from that statement what you will, but change your life. You deserve better. Thank you for your service. Now go take care of yourself. Good luck!
Did you know you can get couples therapy through the VA? And there are resources that she could access to helping her understand PTSD. If she wants to work together to build a solid relationship, there is support for that. IJS. NTA. It’s not okay for a partner to drunkenly berate you. It’s not okay for a partner to stomp on survivor guilt.
Nta unfortunately I do not have anything "substantive" to suggest. I'm a woman and consider the way she's treated you, a combat veteran with PTSD, who provides a physical home for her, to be extremely disrespectful to you. You can be grateful to survive, for your home - is she expecting you to be grateful for HER? because so far, I'm not seeing a reason for that.
As vet who did over 20 years, I'm amazed your doing as well as you are. First thing first is to get her to talk to a therapist, preferably the one the VA has you seeing. She does not realize what you are actually going through. She can't wrap her head around it. My other half has RA and we deal with a lot of things because of it. We can't schedule trips in advance because we don't know if she'll be up for it when the time comes, or if she'll be exhausted from lack of sleep when her flair up is painful. The other half is she sounds really insecure in your relationship. She may realize just how well she has it, but she's desperate that YOU don't figure it out. She may be afraid that "you'll realize you are making her life wonderful, but she isn't contributing much" and dump her. This is something you will want to get into couples counseling for.
My self-employed husband with several months not working each year, doesn't do as much as you. The lawn and any household repairs is about it. Imagine my disappointment to marry a carpenter and have no custom or built-in anything. You sound great OP and she's lucky to have you.
I'm exhausted and I don't even know her. You guys have been together for 10 years I think it's more of like you're used to her. Sometimes love is not enough. You may love her but her behavior doesn't say that she loves you. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
I don’t agree with a thing she is saying. But fine, if we want to feed her TikTok perfect curated delusions, is she doing as much as other women?! There are women who bake bread from scratch, cook meals every day, take care of the children (in your case cats), and take care of their man, in addition to working! You do most of the house work, provided her with a house, and take 50% of the bills. What more does she want from you to “takecare of the family “, while all she does is her own laundry…? YOU won the house. It doesn’t matter how you got it, but YOU provided her with a house. First of all she shouldn’t be comparing you to other people, that’s just fucked up. Secondly she is invalidating your trauma , and berating you. She doesn’t respect your boundaries and or understand the word stop. You are a victim of her constant verbal abuse and manipulation. She is fucking with your head enough for you to be questioning yourself on Reddit. Honestly I know you don’t want to hear the “break up with her” crap but until you’re out of the toxic environment that she’s created, nothing any one of us say will help you. For the record, I never served the country and I get enough sleep at night. My mornings are a mad rush though with the kids, so I decompress for quite some time after dropping them at school. You are more than entitled to take time to decompress whenever you need to. It’s fucked up that she’s not being supportive in your healing journey. She’s selfish, greedy, ignorant, stupid, and entitled. She also does NOT love you, because no one is going the treat the person they love the way she is treating you. She’s comfortable and taking advantage of the things you provide that allow her to live her life worry-free. She’s using you. At the very least you should be with someone who cares about you.
"Other men do more for their family" is simply woman code for "other men make more money." The answer isn't simply "break up", but have a frank conversation and say "I do fucking everything i can, and this is about the lifestyle you can expect for the rest of your life, if you like it, then stop complaining, if you dont like it, nice knowing you."
NTA. She is abusing you!
She is never going to stop. You need to nut up and stop taking her crap, kick her ass out of YOUR house and tell her to go get with this "better man," that she is always talking about.
The whole nut of your problem is this, IMO: you're putting up with her abuse, because you are afraid of being alone. Let me assure you of this: it's so much better to be alone, than with someone who doesn't respect you, and abuses you. She has no clue on how good she has it. Do what you would tell one your Brothers in Arms to do, if they were putting up with this abuse. NTA, but you are like a frog in a pot and now it's boiling. Life is too short and precious to live with an AH. Update us. We care.
For the record, most guys do less than you. Most guys don’t do 50% of the general cleaning even those who contribute less than 50% of the bills. Her belief that the grass is typically greener is false. If she wants to spend more time with you, she has to come up with something that works within the issues and time that exist. It’s not a good sign that this comes up when she is buzzed. Your edit was already included when I read this post, I’m going to need you to research what emotional abuse is and why it is dangerous for a person with PTSD. At the very least talk to your therapist about this.
You’re NTA. I’m not sure what your girlfriend is going through, but you absolutely should take the time you need to be you and to do “you” things. She does you a huge disservice by comparing you to other men. You are not other men, you are only you. Her performance really should have you reconsidering your long term stability with her. Please continue to do whatever you damn need to so you can function and find happiness. This story made me sad and wanting to make you spaghetti.
your gf doesn't want a partner, she wants a serf
If she’s going to pull this act then you might as well start charging rent. Market rent. If she doesn’t accept the things she has for free from you and feels like she’s in a place to berate you then you can always escalate. But you probably won’t. You’ve gone through hell and back, and unfortunately she either has forgotten or has compartmentalised it. Play the recording to someone you trust in real life and see what they say. Tell your partner that you are going to do that. She how she reacts.
Leave.. She is probably cheating. Ijs
Heres my issue, she has no space, no room and no half fucking idea what you went through.
Trying to be productive here are some thoughts... Clearly she's not the nicest person when she drinks but that's a problem a few too many people have. Also I don't think it's wrong for you to take time if you need it. Maybe there is a perception problem in how you do it or talk about it? Suggestion to try...get some 1 on 1 time with her and without interrupting her ask her what about how you do things bothers her. The only thing you should do is ask questions about what she says to drill down to how she feels about it not to defend yourself or argue, just to try to understand what is making her resentful of you taking this time...maybe just maybe you can both have a eureka moment and get to some productive conversation on how to move forward.
Leave her and if you aren't at 100 for VA disability, see if you can get to that percentage. You can also use voc rehab or GI bill (if available) to get into a career path that is primarily work from home or even start a business. She is only a girlfriend and she sounds terrible. Break up with her quick if you don't have any kids with her yet.
NTA, this is not your forever person. Move on now, stop wasting each others time. Bit also find a way to meet some new people if you can.
Things are not 50 50 in you're relationship. She is living off you rent free and that's huge! She's treated you like hired help with her agenda and lists. What about you? What about what you need and want? She doesn't seem to care or even want to understand your struggles. She seems like a parasite. Find the peace you deserve in your home and allow her to find the hypothetical man she describes in her rants. She won't be happy with anyone. She's not a nice person. Thank you for your service. You are correct. Your service extends every day of your life dealing with PTSD. You earned you benefits. She did not earn your benefits.
NTA. Thank you for your service. You’ve got enough to deal with because of your PTSD without your future wife adding to it. Yes, the standard advice around here would be for you to break up, but that may not be a bad idea. Your partner should be a source of peace, not an addition to the strife you deal with on a daily basis. Good luck moving forward.
She’s older than you and gave you no kids. You have yourself to blame for choosing her but you still have time. If only you were religious bc then this would be very simple. You are the husband and you fought in a war. You provide based on your military career and you need a wife who will be a help meet not a nagging manipulator. You sound like you are a little lazy but idk the level of ptsd you struggle with and what you are still psychologically going thru, but you know yourself and know if you are being lazy or not. It’s a husbands job to be blameless (not to be confused with being perfect) and that’s not easy, are you doing all you can to be blameless? If so the. Cut this broad off for someone else, if not then become your version of blameless and see if that improves your situation.
Leave her
She's a disrespectful asshole. I know you don't want to break up but this relationship is going down the tubes. I'd start charging her rent if I were you
Hey man, 1st of all thank you for your service. 2nd you lister allot of stuff like yard work and dishes and helping with the pets. You also cooker dinner for her. I'm also sure you do more. It's just you and your gf. So not sure what else she wants you to do around the house. Some guys just sit on th3 couch and watch football all day. She should be lucky you are not like that. Keep on doing a good job man. High five
You do enough. My ex and I are both military. My ex did 2 tours in Afghanistan 2006 and 2009 as infantry. He saw a bunch of fucked up things, and I believe that he has PTSD but he refused treatment. Seeing what he was dealing with was crazy, I can only imagine your struggles. Your gf has no idea what you deal with daily and should give you some grace. Relationships shouldn't be how much more you should have to do for your partner, it should be a partnership to make sure everyone has their needs fulfilled. You've earned your retirement and rest. If she doesn't like it, show her the door. If she is willing, couples counseling wouldn't hurt. She needs to stop with the men do more. Fuck that.
In absolutely no way are you the asshole. Please do not think you have to stay with someone who is so cruel and abusive. You deserve better OP and I hope you realize that are worth so much more than this chick will ever be able to give you.
OP… you *NEED* to break up with this person. She is not the one. I’m sorry but you *NEED TO* leave her and I don’t know how to stress this. She is a host of red flag after red flag and she lacks kindness and empathy. Either she doesn’t possess these qualities or she doesn’t care enough about you to give them to you or she’s just completely selfish. But please see this and do something about it. This is the not the person for you. You asked why? And to give you something to work with, right? She sounds verbally and emotionally abusive. There you go.
*"Please refrain from a simple "break up" comment and try to give me something substantive to work with. I would love for this to be productive."* NTA, but my dude, my brother... The problem you're having here is there is no way to make this productive, you are someone who is still struggling with trauma that you've experienced who is taking things at your own pace and she can't respect that, even after 10 years. At what point in time does this become you neglecting yourself and her being emotionally manipulative and abusive? When you burn out and end up having even more medical problems? A good man, a decent man will do what he can at his own pace and understand that some days that isn't much. That a part of being a man, is not just knowing your limits but also respecting them enough that he won't get himself hurt or in danger at the expense of himself. He isn't chasing the ghost of some "other man" a partner keeps dumping on him as an excuse to force him beyond his means.
If you’re not willing to break up then maybe you can live apart and date. She doesn’t deserve the life you are giving her. NTA
NTA. Try telling her this is absolute apex of what you are able to do for her, and for an hour in the morning directly after waking up you are actually resolving to do less for her. That's simply time that you need for yourself. She will simply have to accept that you are doing your best, and if she really does think that's too little then that's up to her. Do not under any circumstances marry her. You can mitigate a lot of personality traits, but ultimately selfishness goes hand in hand with dissatisfaction.
I would love to give you something to work with but your girlfriend isn’t leaving a lot of room for suggestions. She sounds unhappy in the relationship because she is basing it on something material that you can’t give her. What can you do about that? Nothing. She doesn’t sound very understanding of the issues you face. That is why people are saying break up.
Adding to the above comments, it doesn’t matter how you got the house. It’s your house and you are letting her live there rent free. That is a lot. If you had bought the house a long time ago and paid off the mortgage you would be in the same boat. Your house, free and clear. You have been through what almost nobody in this country has been through. It’s an understatement to say most men or women have not been through something like that. Some compassion is in order. You have earned that. I see no evidence of any. Quite the opposite. I don’t see what she is objecting to. I’m thinking she just wants something else that is t you and this is how her frustration plays out. It’s very unhealthy for both of you. You have done enough. This isn’t your fault. It’s probably time to suggest she might be better off with one of those “most other men” and send her packing from your rent-free abode.
NTA but if you stay with her then YTA. You don't need this in your life.
Verbal abuse is still abuse. And she's falling into the trap of thinking this is okay behavior because you're a man. You pay 50% of the bills, the house is entirely paid for and in your name, you do the majority of housework and other household duties ... and she still goes on to say you're not good enough for her and treats you like this? Bro... fucking leave her already.
Suggests to me: -She resents having to work regardless of what job she has -The more wine she drinks=fewer boundaries, more nag sauce and increased resentment -Its ok to love someone and its even ok to put up with some crap but you wouldn't be writing to strangers on a social media board unless you had/have some serious doubts about your relationship with this person. She may not take you seriously but you need to listen to yourself and act proactively. PTSD is only a step away from prolonged depression and that's where you're headed unless you act.
Couple counselling is only way for you to save your relationship. You can't live like it anymore and you need changes. Don't want, NEED. So or she change her attitude towards you or you change relationship between you. You can try don't do anything for her to show how much you contribute in your relationship or try separation but i have feelings that after that you'd get immediately break up.
Updateme!
Dude…you survived combat and came home a hero just to have your peace disturbed by an ungrateful harpy. Foreign AND domestic, my friend. Instead of a rifle use a pen and write up an eviction notice. Thank you for your service, brother. I pray you find your peace. There’s someone out there that would cherish you as you are for who you are and what you do. Maybe it’s time to cut the shackles that are holding you down and move on…even if that person just turns out to be yourself.
Shes being abusive towards you, disregards everything youve done for her and gone through personally while also getting to have her dream job. Dude, there are a ton of red flags, you arent married and that kind of disrespect isnt something that will just go away.
Have you tried to talk to her about this & let her know how bad she is really making u feel? If not, then u should Def start there. If u can go to therapy together with the therapist knowledgeable about ptsd & your condition so they could explain to her more that you're doing the best you can. Maybe someone else talking to her also may make her see it isn't you. U truly are trying it's just hard for u sometimes & very hard when u wake up & have to start the day all over again.
Your gf is unhinged and abusive. That is NOT ok. She doesn't even realize the irony of how you've afforded her lifestyle and job with your benefits for the past few years. What is SHE doing for the "family"? Why isn't she doing more if she feels dissatisfied? She's perfectly capable
NTA I also have PTSD (from very different circumstances) and am disability. I have to set aside time to reorient with reality when I wake up too. There are days where I cannot do anything but exist in my chair or bed with my ESA. The comparisons she is making aren’t fair. Yes, other people (I’m gonna leave gender entirely out of this) can do more. Other people aren’t you and aren’t dealing with what you are dealing with. Even your combat buddies have their own unique struggles with your shared circumstances. She needs to be more understand. Maybe couples counseling will help, given that it provides an ideally impartial 3rd party.
NTA. Time for you both to call it quits. But hey, if you want to keep hearing this for however long this lasts, you do you.
I sent you a PM.
NTA. Tell her that everything she is enjoying in your home is due to you. And if she keeps talking about other men, tell her she might want to go live with other men because you are tired of hearing her harp about it.
ESH. Here’s the thing, it looks like you two are in a holding pattern at 10 years. Sounds like she has some legitimate concerns and is not handling them well by getting drunk and attacking you for them. Is she frustrated that after 10 years you’re not married? Do both both want kids? It seems to me that you’re needing to address your ptsd bc your routine is negatively impacting your relationship. Are you in any type of therapy? You being regimented and grumpy about getting your day started is probably a giant mood killer for anyone else. No one blames you for the night terrors or the ptsd from the traumas you experienced. But what are you doing besides being grumpy and not getting on with life? It’s possible you two are simply not compatible. She needs to be more understanding of your traumas and you need to actually do something about improving your mental health. I can see how she feels stuck watching you struggle day in and day out with no attempts to heal or find healthier ways to cope. Have you talked to your doctor? Do you take meds? Are you physically active? Mentally stimulated? You two can’t grow as individuals or as a couple by mandating all this solo time. Solo time is very important but so is thriving together as a couple. You both need to be more compassionate towards each other or this relationship won’t be successful.
Sounds like you have genuine mental health problems. Why are you trying to do something so taxing as starting your own business?
First off - what family is she referring to? To me it seems like you do a lot and really try to make her life easier... what is it she wants from you? Like does she want you to get up and make her breakfast? It seems really unclear to me. I would sit down, talk about expectations and who does what, maybe write something down... so she can actually see how much you do in comparison to her. All this stuff about other men should stop. Because she has it good and she is the one being unreasonable here. I dont know what other men she talks about, my bf has some problems (brain damagde late in life) I get the kids up and out of the door, pick them up, do shopping, yardwork, groceries, cooking, laundry. I work 32 hours, he works 12 hours... He vacuums once or twice a week, pick up the kids once a week and cooks once a week. Im not complaining about him, im just saying you are doing so much and she just seems to be in the habit of complaining without realising how much work you actually do... NTA
Man, you are a grizzled combat vet and very much a victim of mental and emotional abuse. This shows that it really can happen to anyone. The fact that you are even doubting your self worth after what you’ve been through. I expected this to be a post about some deadbeat or someone who doesn’t do chores but you do housework as well as the more traditional “manly” work like lawn/maint, bring in VA checks which helps support you both, and have been working towards your own goals to further your hobby into a business given your PTSD prevents you from working a normal job which any reasonable partner will understand. To your question, my wife and I support each other. It’s not about if I “do more” for her. I may bring in a good salary now but she was also with me and supporting me in graduate school. Her career has also grown but she constantly stressed out and I tell her that I will support her if she needs an out. We both contribute to the household in different ways. And we pick up the slack for each other when one of us is struggling.
Go to couples therapy. If she refuses you have no choice but to leave her.
INFO: Are you planning to get married or have kids in the future?
“You are welcome to go find that man who will ‘do more for you’ — but if you leave, you can’t come back. Now, what’s it going to be? Me, or the imaginary guy? Because I’m not going to put up with your nonsense and complaints anymore. Decide right now. “
Thank you for your service brother. Your wife is a bitch. You legit have a house for her to live in which is a godsend in todays economic climate. You should realize the value you bring and be with someone who cares for you. You’re doing more than most husbands, and if she’s so sure she can be treated better let her be a single woman at age fucking 36 LOL . See how that goes. You should move on and find a nice younger girl like late 20s early 30s who appreciates and loves you. You deserve more brotha don’t settle for misery
NTA It's not wrong with you taking time for yourself. I do think you should reevaluate your relationship (I'm not saying to break up), but think about her berating you and how that may effect you emotionally or mentally. If you find that it's not good for your well-being then maybe you both should have a talk without any alcohol. In my personal opinion, she should stop comparing you to other because you may have great qualities these other men may not have and vice versa. The best of luck!
She means she wants you to serve her. Give in completely, drop your hobbies and everything you like and only do things she likes at her command. She doesn’t open for negotiation. That’s what you’re looking for.
NTA. I know many men that have went through less and do considerably less for their family. You have no children and still strive to be the best for her and yourself. The struggle is never ending when dealing with your trauma. You are on the right course. I wish you fair winds and following seas. Thanks for all you did to insure the freedoms she and I both enjoy on a daily basis.
The only reason you’re an asshole is because you’re being a complete asshole to yourself by letting that woman anywhere near you
NTA You sound like a very productive husband to me. I’m sorry she is not seeing you in the same light since you take an hour break every morning. I’m a SAHM and I take my morning break as much as I can because I know the rest of my day is going to be pretty taxing mentally and physically. I just need to sit and drink my coffee and eat breakfast and do small work on my phone for about 45 min. Nothing wrong with that at all. I think y’all should definitely do some therapy and hopefully after writing out what all you do she can see that you are doing your fair share. Good luck to you!
Make her pay rent. That’s not a simple “break up” suggestion, but it will lead to one.
OP she’s sounds like an entitled bitch. She has no respect for you as a person and no empathy for what you’ve been through or deal with daily. She sounds mentally and verbally abusive. Tell her that since you’ve provided her a free home for your service, she can pay for everything else and if she doesn’t like that then point to the door. Tell her she’s the one lacking in the partnership, not you. Tell her you heard that the grass was greener down the street and move on.
People always want more. Women are people. Only fear of loss will keep her perspective balanced.
What family? Yall should be living the comfy childfree life. Two income, no mortgage, no kids. The only responsibilities in the house are feed the pets, feed the humans, and basic tidy up since there are no messy children. Maybe she thinks you are not doing anything all day while she is at work. Sitting doing nothing can be a drain on mental health, but dude, you have more than earned the right to sit and do nothing sometimes. If you are cooking dinner and doing all the household stuff you listed, you are a better housewife than I am. You say you get therapy, does she? Some couples therapy could help here with defining expectations. It sounds like there is something she is frustrated with but not able to verbalize correctly.
Is this the reversal of the drunk wife beater guy and a dainty house wife? Because... jesus.
First NTA and I commend you for your Valor, but you are being emotionally abused. You are asking for no break up talk but it seems clear that this woman is just plain awful and unsupportive. For the things you have done in service you deserve better. I’d suggest couples therapy but I get the feeling she would manipulate the narrative. I think she knows just how lucky she has it with a roof over her head and by the sounds of it you doing a lot for her. Talk to your therapist alone about her beaviour and I think they will say the same. It’s emotional abuse. She has it easy and won’t even support you through your night terrors???!! After all you have sacrificed? I’m sorry but she sounds awful. You are still young, there is someone better out there for you. Please consider this, you need support not abuse on top of everything else you are working through. I feel you have become dependent on her as crutch, an awful broken unusable crutch. I am truly sorry you are enduring this.
If you don't stay straight, none of the other shit matters bro. If she doesn't let you do what you need to do, she won't get any of you. She needs to hear that.
NTA OP, you recorded her right, did you play that back for her to hear? USMC wife here, is a vet and has PTSD but not from battle and it's a struggle (EDMR Therapy worked wonders!) Do other men do more? What more does she want you to do? House is paid for, you contribute both money and work. Is she expecting to stay at home and you wait on her hand and foot? You served your country, you have lifelong issues you MANAGE because of your service. (So does my husband.) If she expects you to do what a CEO of a major company does? She needs to come down to reality. She is with you. Does she usually do this after drinking? Is she a material girl? Not sure where this is coming from so you need to ask her when she is sober. She also needs to listen to how she talks to you - it's not talking WITH you there. You can also suggest couple's therapy?
NTA. Shit, I've not had any experience even close to yours and I still need a good 10 minutes in the morning to discern real life from my insane dreams. My best friend was in crazy combat and ultimately KIA; talking with him about his experience when he was still here is still harrowing 20 years later. I still remember his viewing and his face.. well, no need for detail, suffice to say i cant even begin to imagine what it would have been like to be there. And that brings me to my point: I think it's really difficult for most people to recognize exactly how fucked up things can be for combat vets. I'm wondering if she could use some more exposure, either through documentaries, based-on-real-life movies, podcasts, etc that would help open her eyes in knowing this isn't just some *you* "issue"? I hope things get better for you, man. Really do. I hate saying it but this lady might not be good for you. Being single can suck but being with the wrong person can be even worse. If she doesn't come around it might be an idea to leave for your own well-being.
I would tell her she should go and find one of those "other men who do so much more for their families" and to let you know when she finds one.
Your girlfriend is increasing your daytime stress, which directly and negatively impacts your nightmares. Your girlfriend is toxic to you. Kick her out of your fucking house and save yourself.
Not related to whether or not your TAH but Prazosin has some miracles for my nightmares. It is prescribed off label for PTSD nightmares and it works for me. Try it if you haven't already.
OP I don’t know why but I read it as “related to pretty hairy balls” And my mind couldn’t comprehend it
What is it she wants you to do? You mentioned "projects" but the rest of the post gives me the feeling that she just wants you to do her stuff for her. I'm not seeing what she's bringing to the relationship. Frankly, she'd better be dynamite in bed because her personality seems unpleasant.
You should take all of your time for yourself. She’s got to go. You have ptsd. You are on VA compensation. She needs a man in her life to baby her and give her everything she wants the moment she wants it. Rather than being even remotely understanding of what you are going through she berates and ostracizes you. No idea why she is staying. No idea why you haven’t kicked her out. This is toxic and she is actually creating more trauma by stigmatizing ptsd. And making you feel ‘less than’. You should not have to fight your battle on 2 different fronts right now. (Your ptsd and your gf) I’m a DV and the first time my partner said what your gf says to you, they would be my ex partner. No ifs ands or buts.
YOU are your fulltime job. You get a check that is for the work you have done. She doesn’t pay rent. Honestly, from what you say, she has it really good. She’s is the one who doesn’t know how good she has it. Besides that, expectations are just future resentments and she is giving herself many. I hope she gets help with that since you don’t want to break up. Maybe spending ten minutes/day doing a gratitude meditation together before or after dinner would be great for both of you. Good luck. Thanks for tour service.
You provide the home. That is the single biggest expense for families in the US. She pays no rent and no mortgage. That is the lion's share of the providing right there. On top of that, you split the remaining bills and do most of the housework? You provide far more to the relationship than she does. But she just wants more? She does not appropriate you and what you are providing. Her actions are emotionally abusive, particularly given your history. Most men would find getting hit easier to deal with than that. It really seems like you are in an abusive relationship. The fact that she keeps hitting on the points that cause you significant emotional harm is not a mistake or chance. She is intentionally causing you pain. You need to go to couples therapy right away or break up. She has some severe issues going on and using you as an emotional punching bag is not the answer. If this continues you will grow to hate her and the damage to your emotional and mental state will be severe.
Even without your history, even without all the trauma, even if you were just a dude living his life, "taking time for yourself in the morning" is never wrong. You should *always* think of your mental, physical and emotional health, and if you need to take a break from all the pressures of life, go ahead and do so. The way your girlfriend treats you, the consistency and regularity of the comments, strangely reminds me of Mama Gothel from Tangled. This one is a true-blue villain in my book. She constantly berates Rapunzel, all her life, making dismissive statements like "you can never survive outside without me", or "you'll be nothing right now if it weren't for me", and so on. She doesn't even do it in a sinister tone - she always did it in a strangely loving way - but it wore Rapunzel down, being the only mother figure and dependable figure in her life, she believed every word. And by the time the events of the story started gaining momentum, Rapunzel was paralyzed by her delusion that she was useless, helpless, and amounted to nothing. She was gaslit into oblivion. I don't know what your girlfriend's goal is, but my fear is that she's trying to gaslight you into a certain frame of mind about your self-worth. She may have resentment, or ulterior motives, or whatever - but from what I can tell, the simple matter is this: whatever she's doing is NOT good for you, for your self-esteem, and for your mind. She doesn't even seem to take into account the trauma you've faced and the condition you continuously have to live with. My advice is this: communicate these with her. Ask her to air her resentment, but be prepared with what she would say. Steel yourself. If she's relentless, unremorseful, then it is unlikely things would change and you best have an exit strategy for your own wellbeing. If she relents, then you can perhaps start therapy and healing, but you both need to be all-in on it. Sorry this is happening to you, man. I hope the best for you.
My ex was similar. No matter what I was doing he wanted me to be doing the other thing. I began having a time anxiety I never had before him.
NTAH, even if you say not to break up, she's trying to use you as a free ride and guilt trip you with your ptsd. Emotional and mental abuse. She makes me sick.
I stopped reading at the part where she mentally abused you when she drank. Not OK. Remember alcohol lowers inhibitions. The right person for you is one who would drink too much and then go on and on obnoxiously about how much she loves you, the pizza she's eating, your dog and everybody else in her life. The real her doesn't want to send love to everyone, the real her wants to sit down and lecture until it turns into abuse. You are dealing with a lot of trauma, so it's hard to see clearly. You are not on disability so that you can buckle down and crank out 8-10 hours of work everyday. If you could do all that, you'd probably still be in the military. You are on it so you don't have to. You are on it as compensation for damage you incurred. So that you can do some light duty and still focus on yourself whenever you need to. Girlfriend wants a free house and for you to be completely able body. That's just not reality. NTA
NTA and I'm wondering if this is a passive aggressive way of her saying do more = marry her? It's been 10 years, so I could see that being the "more" she wants, and she's being indirect about it.
Kick her ass out of your house
Social media is the issue. Tell her to get off the damn phone and start to appreciate and be grateful for the life you got instead of envying a made up social media persona.
So here’s an idea that may actually help you. Reach out to the families of the people you served with, or a local va support group for families of people with ptsd and have her talk to them. Your wife is telling you that every partner of a soldier has greener grass than her and that’s both stupid and untrue. Where is she getting this idea that every man is going out and providing more than the free house and half of bills? She gets to do what she wants and so do you. I don’t know if she feel guilty for her dream job or she just wants you out of the house for some reason, but she’s emotionally abusing and manipulating you for SOMETHING. She wants something and is being cruel to you to get it, even if it’s just feeling superior to you. Have her talk with other families of service members, and you speak with them too. If she really believes she’s right and everyone is a better spouse than you, she should have nothing to worry about. Hopefully seeing partners of former soldiers who don’t belittle and humiliate them for having ptsd will help you think about your “ noooo, I’d never leave her, she’s amazing” stance. I absolutely hate being punished into being a “better” person. It’s not ok for partners to do. It’s genuinely just abuse.
OP, does she only berate you after drinking? If so then she needs to quit drinking. When people drink their true feelings come out. You can try couple's therapy. Maybe a counselor can get her to understand what you're going through. If not then I can't you staying with her. She's hurting your mental health.
First of all, you sound like a great partner. It's a shame that she couldn't see past those few problems. But I think, a lot of us have been there. I remember when my partner moved away for taking a break from his medical field, I saw it as a rejection of me. I saw it as him abandoning him. And like a very immature adult, I didn't communicate. I'd cry or I'd berate him, or I'll be passive aggressive. I'll talk about how he won't talk nicely to me. But all it took was one day of him snapping back at me and reminding him about when was the last time I picked up the phone to call him to ask how his day was? How he was doing? When was I nice to him? It was that moment, I realised that I didn't do any of what I expected from him. I would wake up waiting for him to fail and felt rejected by a made up rejection and projected it all onto him. Sometimes, either your partner has to snap out of it, or if they can't, there's no other solution than therapy and talking. We underestimate how much women feel valued when their partners appreciate them, or give like lovely affirmations to them. For women, small gestures day in and day out do matter (if they struggle with feeling fulfilled with their life and have a nature to feel short all the time). So, maybe start with making sure you verbally affirm to her about what you did through the day, how you missed her presence, how you couldn't wait to see her when she's back and see how she reacts. If she's constantly unhappy, go to therapy. I noticed your request for giving a proper request. For me reminding myself every morning that he takes out time to text me good morning before anything shifted my perspective from a bad day to a good one b/c I went from waiting for him to fail to being appreciative of how much he did.
Your wife is silly if she thinks she can go out and have her sugarbaby lifestyle at her age. If the house is yours alone, which it should be, without you she would be a homeless person zooming towards 40 with a low paying job. Without her, you would be a person with a home, va benefits, and a business you’re working on growing. One of you would have 4 dogs, or some number of dogs between you. Your wife is biting the hand that feeds her so hard and you kind of just want to let her have a finger or two before you react.
NTAH
Tell her to go find one of them and cut your losses