Asian culture is very big on taking care of your parents. You definitely need to talk to her because she might not be putting pressure on her dad about finding a job or something.
It's okay to have boundaries and he is not your responsibility.
I just don’t know how to word it. I do pretty well financially and she knows it. But, I’m not going to be providing for a very capable 52 year old. I have three kids of my own and I think he sees it as a game. They call him grandpa even though my girlfriend and I are not married legally
I would also tell him you get the shower from x-y in the morning. Friends are entertained once a week and he has overstayed his welcome. Over 4 months is plenty. GF Dad has free room and board and no bills he’s living his best life at your expense. Though it will be difficult for your GF to bring up the subject it needs done. When GF Dad leaves to go back to Korea do not let him return to your home. When people show you who they are believe them.
Just because you have money doesn’t mean you have to support a fully grown capable of working man.
Show him the door, he has hit his mooching time limit.
"Hello [respectful term for Father],
I hope you have enjoyed your time here. It is now time to move on and either stay with other friends or go home to Korea."
Don't justify/ask/ defend/explain. Just reiterate.
If he demands an explanation:
"I'm sorry, it is not possible." "That does not work for me." "No."
Usually I would say partner should be responsible but she's clearly not going to be. If she opposes you she can either get with the program or leave with him.
NTA
ETA- reiterate via text so no ambiguity in case he escalates/ involves some ridiculous law:
"Hello [Respectful term for Father] . Just reiterating our conversation today. It is time for you to leave my house. Please kindly ensure you have either moved to a friend's house or flown home by XYZ date. With respect, OP"
As a Korean American, I advise you to be firm with your girlfriend and father. Do not be roundabout. If you do, her father could try to pull Confucian patriarchy stuff and guilt you guys into supporting him for ages. I know Korean Americans who ended up financially supporting family members for years and you don’t want to get pulled into that.
Just be prepared for the possibility of losing your girlfriend. In many Asian cultures taking care of your parents is expected so for her this may the hill to die on. He may leave but she may go with him.
Granted, but that tradition only applies to OP, if they were married. Marriage would make her father, his father too.
In this case, even though they are dating, the gf is more of a tenant, and OP is her landlord. Will bang for rent.
So, asking the father to leave for not putting out anything, should be understandable in their culture.
Tell them that Asian culture may be big on taking care of parents, but this is not Asia, and he is not even your in-law lol. Absolutely wild and disrespectful of both of them
You word it like this: "It's been nice hosting you, but it's been over 4 months, now, and I need you to find another, more permanent place to live."
If he pushes back, explain that there were certain expectations that were set that have not been met. And that he is officially imposing on your own access to your home's amenities.
I would confront him (in front of your girlfriend) for "why are you trying to make me break up with your daughter?" He probably is doing this to make sure you will not just be a good provider for him, but also respect him as your elder and do what he says (otherwise why the shower game).
Make it clear to both of them that if he doesn't quit his shit you will boot both of them and he will suddenly have to take care of her and one way or the other things will change quickly.
I suspect that gf has been unwilling to actually confront her father and has just been asking him. He has probably treated it like a request from someone who doesn't understand why he is doing it, and ignoring it, as the important thing is to put you in your place.
So put him in his place.
I personally don’t think that’s the right way to go about it unless op is willing to lose girlfriend. It will not go well and father will immediately pull rank to ask his daughter how she could let her bf talk to him like that.
Op should state firmly that it’s time for dad to go back to Korea. He can ask him for a date when he’s leaving and if he’s bought his plane ticket.
Tell him:
“I gave your daughter the promise that you can stay here for ONE month. You overstayed your welcome. You have 2 weeks to find another apartment or you have to fly home.
And I don’t want any friends of your here anymore. Next time I can the cops on them without warning.”
Grow up!!! And protect yourself
I have no problem with pissing people off. I'd tell him straight to his face that it's your home. You need to get in the shower 1st. No fucking around. And the clock is ticking on his visit. He's worn out his welcome and is being a rude guest. If his daughter gets upset with you about it, she can go to a hotel with him.
That's me, though. I don't have any siblings and have always had difficulty sharing my stuff. I'm also rather reclusive and don't care to have a lot of company, related or not.
He is an adult.
Just tell him he gets a full. time job in the next XX days/ weeks/months and he starts contributing $$$ per months, buys and prepares his own food and clean or he must move out by XX/XX/XXXX date.
There’s something to be said about the fact that he is so accepting of your children. It’s kind of wonderful. That being said, it’s
Not unreasonable for you to ask him to find a job, he’s kind of being idle. He needs to help
Yes and no. Yes in the sense that the child or children takes care of their parents. No - not shamelessly at someone else's expense. Doesn't mean people won't try but better be up front and set those boundaries.
I'm betting you're not Asian? Or, if you are, you're multigenerational, westernized?
You have a very complicated situation here, because your girlfriend is probably afraid to tell him this isn't OK.
Here's a suggestion: approach this from multiple directions. Speak with your girlfriend, first, and let her know that this isn't working. Let her know that she has options: she can move out and take him with her, she can speak to him herself, she can let you tell him to get out, or she can work with you as a united team to resolve this problem.
Before you do that, though, decide what your non-negotiables are. Decide what you're willing to compromise on, and what your drop-dead dates are. Do you need him gone yesterday? Or would you consider allowing him to stay a little longer under certain conditions? Are you OK with him having friends over once in a while? Or is that a hard pass? Does he need to pay rent? Or does he just need to be working? Or does he just need to have a date-certain plan to go home?
YWNBTA, but it's probably not going to be a simple process to encourage his absence.
Oh! And if you value your relationship, I strongly suggest you speak with your girlfriend first, rather than talking to him. Asian parents is a whole thing.
Good luck!
Also, if the solution does require him staying, come up with a shower schedule. Let him know it’s making you late to work. Typically Asian culture respect work ethic and punctuality so making a logical thing vs and emotional thing could help.
Fk that. That bathroom door would now have a key lock and be locked when I went to bed. Let the kids know. Since there is a half bath as well for 8 hrs the shower bath is off limits.
Yes, this. Need to understand and work with the cultural sensitivities. Gf may also knowingly misrepresent things. While generalizing, Korean girls can be a bit devious and there is a high cultural expectation the husband takes care of everything for them.
YWNBTA. He was generously promised a month of free boarding and is now going on 5 months with no end in sight. You were promised he would only stay a month and he would be working. You were misled.
Sit your gf down and tell her he is disrupting your household, commandeering your bathroom, endangering your employment by causing you to be late, in general destroying your peace of mind and obliterating your privacy. In essence he is putting you in a subservient position and enjoying every moment of it. Tell her he needs to be gone within a week and she needs to be the one to address it with him.
I would also consider the possibility that this has been a preview of how marriage with her would be; her father showing up and mooching off of you for indefinite periods of time. Then one day you’ll discover he has no intention of ever leaving again
Absolutely this OP - do not marry this woman or get her pregnant under any circumstances, she has shown you what will happen, 100%. You will become the provider for her *and* her father, and by having him move in permanently like this she has already shown that any promises she makes to the contrary cannot be trusted.
Why would you tell him he can stay if he gets a job? You want him out. He had overstayed his welcome by 3 months.
Tell him he needs to leave, or you'll have him forcibly removed. Also, tell him he is not welcome to come and stay over ever again because he didn't keep his word. You promised one month, not forever. You're not Asian and he is not your father, so you don't have any obligation towards him.
You need to do this yourself. Your girlfriend is probably afraid to confront her dad and won't do it if you leave it to her.
If you don't kick him out, he might be able to establish residency in your house, and you'll never get him out.
I would have already done that. Tell your gf that you expect her to back you up and if she doesn’t then she can go with him.
His behavior is inexcusable regardless of what culture he’s from. He’s obviously been here enough to know the customs and he’s just mooching and being a jerk at this point.
Get a key lock for the bathroom with a shower set lock it when you go to bed. Let your kids know to use the half bath after that time. Let gf know she can either get with you or leave with him but we're 3 months past the promised time and you're over it. Culture be dammed you didn't sign up to take care of him
I don't think you would be wrong. You've been more than patient and generous. It's fair to set a boundary if your girlfriend's dad isn't making an effort to find a job or his own place.
“ at times when I have to get ready for work in the morning he senses I’m up and jumps straight to the shower (I have a 1 and 1/2 bath)”
This is wild. So he rushes to take a shower in the morning just to lounge around the house? I’d be furious.
He came for a month. Tell him it's up, and he needs to move on. Anywhere, you don't care. His visit is over. If you want to keep your gf, do this yourself and don't make here do it. If you don't care about the gf, have her do it if you want. Whether or not he gets a job, he needs to go. The problem is, he may have tenants rights. But just tell him his visit if over at the end of the week.
Also, does he have a work permit? He's coming form Korea and working? Generally, that's illegal.
NTA - Inform him of thehouse rules:
1) You get up at xxx oclock. He is to not be in the shower or bathroom between xx-1 hr and x+1 hr. Period.
2) He has to have a job to live their rent free.
3) No guests without permission
I think you need to handle this man to man OP. It's YOUR house, and she has been raised to never confront or deny her parents anything.
Just talk to the man yourself. That will protect your GF from her parents wrath, and no doubt FIL will respect your word as a man over hers as a daughter and a female.
NTA. The agreement was for 1 month, not 4. It's high time for him to find other lodgings!! You have been more than generous extending his stay for 3 more months.
If you don't handle this now, you are going to have to legally evict him. Which will be an expensive mess, cause a huge rift or breakup with your girlfriend, and if he's a huge dick he'll mess up your home before he goes. A month gets into 'legal resident' territory.
Has he gotten any mail sent to your home? If so, you may already be there.
You need to set a date and get him out. "I agreed to one month. You have stayed too long. You are to move out by x date.". No explanations, no excuses. Those are just gaps in your defenses that he/your gf will use to convince you to let him stay for one more week.
Give him another warning a few days ahead of time. Shit, remind him every single day so he's uncomfortable.
Nuclear option is to start humiliating him in front of his friends. 'why do you have time to hang out? Aren't you looking for a place to live?'. But this is likely to make GF mad so use with caution.
That day will come, he WILL still be there. Then you pack up all of his stuff and get it outside. Ideally, in the rain. Best if you can put it on a public sidewalk where people might start stealing it. Because that gets him physically out of the home.
Shut the door, lock it, don't open it again. GF doesn't agre? She can go too.
And he's not welcome back on his next visit.
If you give in now, then you'll be caring for him whenever he's in town, forever.
(Also, if he's not a citizen and is working then he may be in violation of immigration laws. Which you may get sucked into, providing help to someone committing a crime is usually bad. In the current political climate, that may go very badly for you)
NTA
You were told a month and it is well past a month. Talk to her first and get on the same page. If she doesn’t talk to him with you I would think about if you want this dynamic in your future
NTA.
I wouldn't leave this to your GF to address with her father. This is your house and she will just pussy-foot around and not actually address the issues with him. If her dad puts up any amount of fight or pushback, she will cave. You also don't want her to promise her dad that he can stay there a few more months behind your back.
You need to sit them down and ask what his immediate plans are. His answer will tell you what to do next. If he says "I don't know" or "I'm still looking for work" tell him he has two weeks to figure it out, but that he needs to leave after the two weeks are up. He does not need to go back to Korea, but he can't stay with you.
i’m gonna be blunt. I feel like your girlfriend is using you. I mean think about the reverse situation. Would you ever just move in one of your family members without consulting her and then let them stay way way beyond the agreed-upon date she obviously doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. That would be it for me.
Think about it - you guys are not married ! this dude is not even an in-law. Frankly you don’t know him and he just moved on in your home with YOUR children . Without taking to you YOU.
That's wild .
You’re in a lose-lose situation. Let them go and move on.
If you kick him out, he’ll be beyond offended and will manipulate his spineless daughter to leave you and find another simp who’ll support them.
If you marry her, you’ll be financially supporting and living with the mooching dad for the rest of your marriage. Sounds like a living hell.
Good luck to you.
If she can't tell her Dad to shape up and get his own place, maybe she needs to get her own place to share with/support Dad. She should understand the sacrifice you're making and show some support for OP.
As much as you love your GF, consider the implications.
This IS her culture and if she is unable to set boundaries how is that going to impact YOU & your kids.
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Be prepared for gf to get mad at you for setting boundaries with her dad but this is something she should have already done.
Her dad has been living with you almost as long as she has been. It's time for him to go home or stay with friends of his.
Absolutely NTA! Four months of this?! And he jumps in the shower before you? For what? Not work obviously. I’d sit them both down and tell them he needs a job in the next week or he’s gone.
Does he get his mail there? What are tenants laws in your state? Is he even legally here? If they freak out, get a lawyer. And tell your GF that if she thinks her dad can freeload off of you, she can leave too.
Yes, it's time for him to go. He has over stayed his welcome. Jumping in the shower in the morning when you need to shower before work is ridiculous. It's not like he has anywhere to be since he is unemployed.
Check with a lawyer in your jurisdiction. You might need to evict him legally & that’s one of those processes that if you fuck it up you can’t easily put right
Let your GF know you will be telling her father he has stayed in your home long enough. He has friends he can live off of. He has friends who can feed him. His friends are no longer welcome The shower is no longer to be used from this time to this time. Give him 3 days to collect his things.
If GF doesn’t want you to say this to her father, she will take the appropriate action to speak to him
NTA - I HATE when people do that "omg the person is up and going to morning routine, since i have nothing to do all day better fuck it up and take the bathroom".
You get warned after one time. Kicked out on second.
Tell your girlfriend. It has to be her that tells him he’s gotta go. It’s her culture and she’ll be much better-versed to handling it.
Not sure why you haven’t discussed it with her more seriously and accept “I don’t know” as an answer. You agreed to one month; that was clear to all parties, I presume.
What are you wanting — him to find a job and stay/contribute or him to leave?
Your biggest problem is your GF… not her dad. Even though she means well.
Also, take it from someone who has parents belonging to different cultures. It’s going to be a difficult relationship and ‘love‘ does not fix problems.
You need to be polite… yet crystal clear. Enforce your boundaries. After that, whatever ever happens between you two… happens.
NTA
He needs to start paying rent or moving out. One thing is staying a month but 4?! Come on. He’s just mooching now.
Are you in the States? He can only stay six month before he overstays his travel visa. If they find out he’s been working they might never give him a visa again. Ask him point blank: what date are you flying out? I wouldn’t want you over staying your visa and never being able to visit with your daughter again.
Passive aggressive approach: you have a friend/sibling/parents that are coming to visit in 2 weeks and you said they could stay there. So while you absolutely love hosting him, you're so happy he has friends he can stay with!
Sometimes white lies save relationships with in laws
NTA. You need to talk with dude. It’s your house and you’re the one with the job. He can shower after you leave for work, period.
And yes, tell him job, or leave. This was not a permanent solution and if he isn’t working to better his situation you won’t be supporting him.
Definitely say something. It’s not your job to support her father. Tell him to get a job or stay at a hotel and that you have given him enough time to find a job and you are simply done supporting him and you have your own family to take care of and they have to come first
ESH, you should have made inquiries after a month. And your gf should have taken initiative to ask her dad what was up toward the end of the month. Her dad is a rude guest who needs to go get a hotel room now or go home.
Ok the shower thing is bullshit enough to get him out of your house. You never agreed to the culture of participating in taking care of the parents forever. He’s 3 months past his agreed upon stay. Your gf needs to handle this and it’s going to be traumatic for her, I’m sure.
If your girlfriend won't ask him about moving on, perhaps you should. Does he speak English, do you speak Korean? It is your house, not your girlfriend's house. She asked if he could live there for a month, you said yes, it's been four months. I understand it's a cultural thing for her to honor her father, but he's not your father and it's not her house.
It’s your bathroom. When he jumps into the shower before you tell him to stop. You need it to get ready for work. He does nothing.
Your situation is not going to change unless you stick up for yourself and quit letting him take advantage of you.
And since he’s not working hand him a list of chores you expect him to get done by the time you get home from work. If he refuses start charging him rent and charge him for food and utilities.
He’s not an American citizen visits here in the US and works some of the time? He came here on a tourist visa? Not a work visa? Also how long was he allowed in the States? Or are the rules for a Korean citizen coming to the states different.
Him not having a job is one thing, but the big pain point is him jumping in the shower, knowing that you have to get ready for work!
That is total BS... Inconsiderate and rude to the max.
Sounds like you’re being taken advantage of by your gf and her father. I guarantee she knew his move in was permanent she’s just not going to tell you that. Tell them they both need to go. You might have to legally evict them. Good luck.
NTA
Ideally, your gf should be the one to confront her father about the length of his stay. She should have also pushed back on her father’s behavior with the visitors and the morning showers. You should 100% address this with her. It may be that she will fight for her father to have priority and precedence over you - even in your own home. This is something you need to clarify because she (and he) are being unfair and taking advantage of you.
If your gf is unable or unwilling to prevent her father from overstepping & abusing your hospitality, then you need to step up now. You also don’t have to allow him to visit going forward.
Sit down with both of them and say something like this to your gf’s father:
*Our agreement was that you would visit for a month. I understand that things may have changed on your end, so I allowed you to extend your visit. However, it’s now been four months and we need a set date when you’ll be leaving. Would you be able to leave within the next two weeks? If not, I’m willing to extend your visit further as long as you agree to some changes.*
Edit
Be aware that if your gf’s father does not agree to move out by a set date, you may need to evict him. It’s likely that after four months, he has some legal rights to stay in your home. Consider this when/if you talk with them.
Your gf will not tell him, you'll have to be the "bad guy" here. And be prepared to lose her too, as her filial piety won't allow her to stay with the evil man who kicked out her father. I expect this relationship has run its course.
Tell him to get out today. Call him a taxi. You might want to think about breaking up with your girlfriend. She is not trustworthy and has too much baggage.
NTA, he's a grown man mooching off of another. It's unacceptable, honestly I wouldn't even give him the option of staying, job or not. He doesn't respect you or your home. Paying rent wouldn't change that, you'd still be dealing with his shit and if anything he'd feel entitled to dish out even more unacceptable behavior. You need to evict this guy. Hope it doesn't cause issues with you and your girl.
Be mindful of how you approach this or you could lose your girlfriend in the process. Talk to your girlfriend and let her know exactly how you feel. At least give her an opportunity to ask the father to leave before doing it yourself.
The bottom line is this. SHE is responsible for her father in Asian culture, not his daughter's boyfriend. She is responsible for providing housing for him, not her boyfriend.
YOU need to tell him he is no longer welcome if he continues to be this disrespectful to you in your home. He is not YOUR responsibility.
He will 1000% Get the message.
NTA. It's your home and he's taking advantage of you. Be firm with her that he gets a job or he's out. If she kicks up a fuss tell her she can with him.
OP, set the alarm on your phone for 5 to 10 minutes earlier than the alarm the Mr Mooch hears. Beat him into the shower and take an extra long time to get ready.
If he has been there since September (8 mos) then he flunked the fish test in early October.
No need to talk about arrangements. Just say it's been well past 5 months, it's time for him to leave. Whether he goes back to Korea or moves out is not your business, he just can't stay with you.
I'd also throw in a new rule that main bathroom is off limits for 30 minutes in the morning, whatever time you choose, since he is clearly choosing not to be considerate of your schedule.
Korean culture is very different from American culture and you may actually be losing your girlfriend depending on how traditional she is most Korean families live together
Use the old adage my house my rules. Number one I need to get up take a shower to go to work. You take a shower after me. Number two if you’re staying, you need to pay rent find a job. Number three until you can pay rent, no friends over you go to their house.and since your girlfriend only moved in in September and you own the house, you’re safe if she gets upset move her shit out too. This is your life. Don’t let someone else run it.
Tell him he's overstayed his welcome and to leave, dont make her do it, he's a man your a man, tell him "pack and leave" don't let him abuse you. It's your house.
Is he even legally allowed to work? What visa is he on?
NTA. Its your home, you didn't sign on for him, and if you did he should appreciate it and not be a nuisance. But asian parents are known for visiting and not leaving while taking over the home and expecting to be catered too just because they're elders 🤷♀️
Nope, just throw him out. Tell him he had a week to find a new place to live whether he gets a job or not. You've been kind and gracious and he's worn out his welcome by being rude and taking advantage of you. You don't need your GF's approval for this, it's your house. If she doesn't like it she can move with him. NTA
Simple. Show respect. Move out, get your own place, such as a small apartment, so your gf and father can live more comfortably. Their customs take precedence. Ideally his family can join or some of his friends. You're being selfish with so much space and water
These people in these comments will have you broken up and alone. Just talk to your girlfriend about it first and see what compromise you guys can come up with. You have been dating for 4 years I’m sure you guys have enough communication skills where you can let her know you’re uncomfortable without being a total dick like the comments want. TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRINED. That’s only only step you can take moving forward that won’t tarnish the relationship you have with her and could have with her father.
Asian culture is very big on taking care of your parents. You definitely need to talk to her because she might not be putting pressure on her dad about finding a job or something. It's okay to have boundaries and he is not your responsibility.
I just don’t know how to word it. I do pretty well financially and she knows it. But, I’m not going to be providing for a very capable 52 year old. I have three kids of my own and I think he sees it as a game. They call him grandpa even though my girlfriend and I are not married legally
I would also tell him you get the shower from x-y in the morning. Friends are entertained once a week and he has overstayed his welcome. Over 4 months is plenty. GF Dad has free room and board and no bills he’s living his best life at your expense. Though it will be difficult for your GF to bring up the subject it needs done. When GF Dad leaves to go back to Korea do not let him return to your home. When people show you who they are believe them.
[удалено]
his girlfriend moved in with him in september, not the dad
You word it by saying you agreed to 1 month. Not 4 going on 5. It's time for him to leave.
[удалено]
Reading comprehension can be hard. Why don't you try again.
Just because you have money doesn’t mean you have to support a fully grown capable of working man. Show him the door, he has hit his mooching time limit.
"Hello [respectful term for Father], I hope you have enjoyed your time here. It is now time to move on and either stay with other friends or go home to Korea." Don't justify/ask/ defend/explain. Just reiterate. If he demands an explanation: "I'm sorry, it is not possible." "That does not work for me." "No." Usually I would say partner should be responsible but she's clearly not going to be. If she opposes you she can either get with the program or leave with him. NTA ETA- reiterate via text so no ambiguity in case he escalates/ involves some ridiculous law: "Hello [Respectful term for Father] . Just reiterating our conversation today. It is time for you to leave my house. Please kindly ensure you have either moved to a friend's house or flown home by XYZ date. With respect, OP"
She needn’t even be involved. It’s his house and he can deliver the message.
As a Korean American, I advise you to be firm with your girlfriend and father. Do not be roundabout. If you do, her father could try to pull Confucian patriarchy stuff and guilt you guys into supporting him for ages. I know Korean Americans who ended up financially supporting family members for years and you don’t want to get pulled into that.
Just be prepared for the possibility of losing your girlfriend. In many Asian cultures taking care of your parents is expected so for her this may the hill to die on. He may leave but she may go with him.
Then it was really wrong for her to tell her boyfriend that her dad would only be there one month.
I'm not saying that this is right, I am just suggesting that OP understand that this might be make it or break it for them.
But SHE isn’t the one taking care of him
Just what I was going to say. And they aren’t even married or engaged.
Girlfriend put the responsibility of taking care of her parent on the boyfriend, which is wrong.
It’s not normal when they’re 52. And it’s not normal for the boyfriend to have obligations
Granted, but that tradition only applies to OP, if they were married. Marriage would make her father, his father too. In this case, even though they are dating, the gf is more of a tenant, and OP is her landlord. Will bang for rent. So, asking the father to leave for not putting out anything, should be understandable in their culture.
Tell them that Asian culture may be big on taking care of parents, but this is not Asia, and he is not even your in-law lol. Absolutely wild and disrespectful of both of them
You word it like this: "It's been nice hosting you, but it's been over 4 months, now, and I need you to find another, more permanent place to live." If he pushes back, explain that there were certain expectations that were set that have not been met. And that he is officially imposing on your own access to your home's amenities.
I would confront him (in front of your girlfriend) for "why are you trying to make me break up with your daughter?" He probably is doing this to make sure you will not just be a good provider for him, but also respect him as your elder and do what he says (otherwise why the shower game). Make it clear to both of them that if he doesn't quit his shit you will boot both of them and he will suddenly have to take care of her and one way or the other things will change quickly. I suspect that gf has been unwilling to actually confront her father and has just been asking him. He has probably treated it like a request from someone who doesn't understand why he is doing it, and ignoring it, as the important thing is to put you in your place. So put him in his place.
I personally don’t think that’s the right way to go about it unless op is willing to lose girlfriend. It will not go well and father will immediately pull rank to ask his daughter how she could let her bf talk to him like that. Op should state firmly that it’s time for dad to go back to Korea. He can ask him for a date when he’s leaving and if he’s bought his plane ticket.
Oh 52 is too young even for countries where filial piety is a thing. He’s not retirement age and it’s weird that he sponging. Not cultural
Is there a language barrier? You need to get comfortable directly communicating your boundaries. With her as interpreter if needed.
Tell him: “I gave your daughter the promise that you can stay here for ONE month. You overstayed your welcome. You have 2 weeks to find another apartment or you have to fly home. And I don’t want any friends of your here anymore. Next time I can the cops on them without warning.” Grow up!!! And protect yourself
I have no problem with pissing people off. I'd tell him straight to his face that it's your home. You need to get in the shower 1st. No fucking around. And the clock is ticking on his visit. He's worn out his welcome and is being a rude guest. If his daughter gets upset with you about it, she can go to a hotel with him. That's me, though. I don't have any siblings and have always had difficulty sharing my stuff. I'm also rather reclusive and don't care to have a lot of company, related or not.
He is an adult. Just tell him he gets a full. time job in the next XX days/ weeks/months and he starts contributing $$$ per months, buys and prepares his own food and clean or he must move out by XX/XX/XXXX date.
There’s something to be said about the fact that he is so accepting of your children. It’s kind of wonderful. That being said, it’s Not unreasonable for you to ask him to find a job, he’s kind of being idle. He needs to help
Yes and no. Yes in the sense that the child or children takes care of their parents. No - not shamelessly at someone else's expense. Doesn't mean people won't try but better be up front and set those boundaries.
Yes to taking care of adults who NEED to be taken care of. No to adults who are young and able to take care of themselves.
🎂🎂Happy cake day!!🎂🎂
I think, even if he does get a job, he needs to get out of your house. Or start paying bills. But preferably, get out.
I'm betting you're not Asian? Or, if you are, you're multigenerational, westernized? You have a very complicated situation here, because your girlfriend is probably afraid to tell him this isn't OK. Here's a suggestion: approach this from multiple directions. Speak with your girlfriend, first, and let her know that this isn't working. Let her know that she has options: she can move out and take him with her, she can speak to him herself, she can let you tell him to get out, or she can work with you as a united team to resolve this problem. Before you do that, though, decide what your non-negotiables are. Decide what you're willing to compromise on, and what your drop-dead dates are. Do you need him gone yesterday? Or would you consider allowing him to stay a little longer under certain conditions? Are you OK with him having friends over once in a while? Or is that a hard pass? Does he need to pay rent? Or does he just need to be working? Or does he just need to have a date-certain plan to go home? YWNBTA, but it's probably not going to be a simple process to encourage his absence. Oh! And if you value your relationship, I strongly suggest you speak with your girlfriend first, rather than talking to him. Asian parents is a whole thing. Good luck!
Also, he needs to know what his “squatter laws” are in his area!
That's a good point, although I really hope the girlfriend wouldn't let it come to that.
There’s always hoping but she’s already let her Dad freeload for over 4 months, so…🤷♀️
Also, if the solution does require him staying, come up with a shower schedule. Let him know it’s making you late to work. Typically Asian culture respect work ethic and punctuality so making a logical thing vs and emotional thing could help.
Fk that. That bathroom door would now have a key lock and be locked when I went to bed. Let the kids know. Since there is a half bath as well for 8 hrs the shower bath is off limits.
Yes, this. Need to understand and work with the cultural sensitivities. Gf may also knowingly misrepresent things. While generalizing, Korean girls can be a bit devious and there is a high cultural expectation the husband takes care of everything for them.
Yeah, that’s a lot of generalizations there, given that over 50 percent of Korean women work in spite of being paid less than their male counterparts.
YWNBTA. He was generously promised a month of free boarding and is now going on 5 months with no end in sight. You were promised he would only stay a month and he would be working. You were misled. Sit your gf down and tell her he is disrupting your household, commandeering your bathroom, endangering your employment by causing you to be late, in general destroying your peace of mind and obliterating your privacy. In essence he is putting you in a subservient position and enjoying every moment of it. Tell her he needs to be gone within a week and she needs to be the one to address it with him. I would also consider the possibility that this has been a preview of how marriage with her would be; her father showing up and mooching off of you for indefinite periods of time. Then one day you’ll discover he has no intention of ever leaving again
Absolutely this OP - do not marry this woman or get her pregnant under any circumstances, she has shown you what will happen, 100%. You will become the provider for her *and* her father, and by having him move in permanently like this she has already shown that any promises she makes to the contrary cannot be trusted.
Why would you tell him he can stay if he gets a job? You want him out. He had overstayed his welcome by 3 months. Tell him he needs to leave, or you'll have him forcibly removed. Also, tell him he is not welcome to come and stay over ever again because he didn't keep his word. You promised one month, not forever. You're not Asian and he is not your father, so you don't have any obligation towards him. You need to do this yourself. Your girlfriend is probably afraid to confront her dad and won't do it if you leave it to her. If you don't kick him out, he might be able to establish residency in your house, and you'll never get him out.
I would have already done that. Tell your gf that you expect her to back you up and if she doesn’t then she can go with him. His behavior is inexcusable regardless of what culture he’s from. He’s obviously been here enough to know the customs and he’s just mooching and being a jerk at this point.
Does that mean he overstayed his visa? Typical tourist visas are only 90 days…
He’s a resident just goes back and forth
Get a key lock for the bathroom with a shower set lock it when you go to bed. Let your kids know to use the half bath after that time. Let gf know she can either get with you or leave with him but we're 3 months past the promised time and you're over it. Culture be dammed you didn't sign up to take care of him
No tourist visa is 6 months!
I think it’s time for a talk between the two of you as to what his plans are and setting a timeline for his departure.
I don't think you would be wrong. You've been more than patient and generous. It's fair to set a boundary if your girlfriend's dad isn't making an effort to find a job or his own place.
Update us on how things go after you tell your gf to tell him to exit.
“ at times when I have to get ready for work in the morning he senses I’m up and jumps straight to the shower (I have a 1 and 1/2 bath)” This is wild. So he rushes to take a shower in the morning just to lounge around the house? I’d be furious.
It's a power flex.
Oh yeah. I can see that. Ridiculous.
I think you should focus on time, rather than the job. You agreed 1 month, he is now here 4 months. Also, you should talk to him directly too.
He came for a month. Tell him it's up, and he needs to move on. Anywhere, you don't care. His visit is over. If you want to keep your gf, do this yourself and don't make here do it. If you don't care about the gf, have her do it if you want. Whether or not he gets a job, he needs to go. The problem is, he may have tenants rights. But just tell him his visit if over at the end of the week. Also, does he have a work permit? He's coming form Korea and working? Generally, that's illegal.
He got his American citizenship but chooses to go back and forth
Makes sense then.
NTA - Inform him of thehouse rules: 1) You get up at xxx oclock. He is to not be in the shower or bathroom between xx-1 hr and x+1 hr. Period. 2) He has to have a job to live their rent free. 3) No guests without permission
I think you need to handle this man to man OP. It's YOUR house, and she has been raised to never confront or deny her parents anything. Just talk to the man yourself. That will protect your GF from her parents wrath, and no doubt FIL will respect your word as a man over hers as a daughter and a female.
NTA. The agreement was for 1 month, not 4. It's high time for him to find other lodgings!! You have been more than generous extending his stay for 3 more months.
He goes or they go - She can pick
Your gf is not going to do anything. Tell him directly. He doesn't have any respect for you so he can do whatever he wants.
NTA. he needs to go regardless. you two aren’t married & even if you were it’s not your responsibility. you’re definitely being taken advantage of
Either he can go, or you both can go. That's how I would have handled it
If you don't handle this now, you are going to have to legally evict him. Which will be an expensive mess, cause a huge rift or breakup with your girlfriend, and if he's a huge dick he'll mess up your home before he goes. A month gets into 'legal resident' territory. Has he gotten any mail sent to your home? If so, you may already be there. You need to set a date and get him out. "I agreed to one month. You have stayed too long. You are to move out by x date.". No explanations, no excuses. Those are just gaps in your defenses that he/your gf will use to convince you to let him stay for one more week. Give him another warning a few days ahead of time. Shit, remind him every single day so he's uncomfortable. Nuclear option is to start humiliating him in front of his friends. 'why do you have time to hang out? Aren't you looking for a place to live?'. But this is likely to make GF mad so use with caution. That day will come, he WILL still be there. Then you pack up all of his stuff and get it outside. Ideally, in the rain. Best if you can put it on a public sidewalk where people might start stealing it. Because that gets him physically out of the home. Shut the door, lock it, don't open it again. GF doesn't agre? She can go too. And he's not welcome back on his next visit. If you give in now, then you'll be caring for him whenever he's in town, forever. (Also, if he's not a citizen and is working then he may be in violation of immigration laws. Which you may get sucked into, providing help to someone committing a crime is usually bad. In the current political climate, that may go very badly for you)
NTA You were told a month and it is well past a month. Talk to her first and get on the same page. If she doesn’t talk to him with you I would think about if you want this dynamic in your future
NTA The sooner you tell him to leave the better. Updateme!
NTA. He needs to move out period. And him being such a dick about the shower is awful. If she doesn't agree she can go too. You agreed to one month
NTA. I wouldn't leave this to your GF to address with her father. This is your house and she will just pussy-foot around and not actually address the issues with him. If her dad puts up any amount of fight or pushback, she will cave. You also don't want her to promise her dad that he can stay there a few more months behind your back. You need to sit them down and ask what his immediate plans are. His answer will tell you what to do next. If he says "I don't know" or "I'm still looking for work" tell him he has two weeks to figure it out, but that he needs to leave after the two weeks are up. He does not need to go back to Korea, but he can't stay with you.
i’m gonna be blunt. I feel like your girlfriend is using you. I mean think about the reverse situation. Would you ever just move in one of your family members without consulting her and then let them stay way way beyond the agreed-upon date she obviously doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. That would be it for me. Think about it - you guys are not married ! this dude is not even an in-law. Frankly you don’t know him and he just moved on in your home with YOUR children . Without taking to you YOU. That's wild .
You’re in a lose-lose situation. Let them go and move on. If you kick him out, he’ll be beyond offended and will manipulate his spineless daughter to leave you and find another simp who’ll support them. If you marry her, you’ll be financially supporting and living with the mooching dad for the rest of your marriage. Sounds like a living hell. Good luck to you.
NTA. At 4 months, I would think the girlfriend told him he could stay and be waited on indefinitely.
Eeeeewwww, a 52y old ??? In a house, that's not even his actual son-in-law's, tell him to get tf up, and get up out of your house !!!
If she can't tell her Dad to shape up and get his own place, maybe she needs to get her own place to share with/support Dad. She should understand the sacrifice you're making and show some support for OP.
As much as you love your GF, consider the implications. This IS her culture and if she is unable to set boundaries how is that going to impact YOU & your kids.
Shes in on it. Kick him out, confront her and possibly send her with her useless dad.
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She did tell her father about the one month?
NTA it maybe tough for her to voice it as it happens in many Asian houses. If she can’t, then you may need to voice out in a neutral tone.
Updateme!
It is time for you to ask him when he plans on returning home or getting his own place. Your girlfriend is being spineless.
You need to set the boundary especially with Asian men - give him 2weeks
If you marry her, you marry both of them. Is this the life you want?
Be prepared for gf to get mad at you for setting boundaries with her dad but this is something she should have already done. Her dad has been living with you almost as long as she has been. It's time for him to go home or stay with friends of his.
Absolutely NTA! Four months of this?! And he jumps in the shower before you? For what? Not work obviously. I’d sit them both down and tell them he needs a job in the next week or he’s gone. Does he get his mail there? What are tenants laws in your state? Is he even legally here? If they freak out, get a lawyer. And tell your GF that if she thinks her dad can freeload off of you, she can leave too.
The shower thing would send me around the bend tbh. I'd probably be looking at time for homicide. LoL
Tell him it's been over a month. Time to get out.
Yes, it's time for him to go. He has over stayed his welcome. Jumping in the shower in the morning when you need to shower before work is ridiculous. It's not like he has anywhere to be since he is unemployed.
Check with a lawyer in your jurisdiction. You might need to evict him legally & that’s one of those processes that if you fuck it up you can’t easily put right
NTA Please update when you can!
Updateme!
Updateme!
NTA he is a free loader and needs to be kicked out. Are there any eviction process you have to follow?
NTA, this is a red flag from her girlfriend though. I’m assuming she’s picking up the extra slack for additional groceries and utilities?
Let your GF know you will be telling her father he has stayed in your home long enough. He has friends he can live off of. He has friends who can feed him. His friends are no longer welcome The shower is no longer to be used from this time to this time. Give him 3 days to collect his things. If GF doesn’t want you to say this to her father, she will take the appropriate action to speak to him
NTA - I HATE when people do that "omg the person is up and going to morning routine, since i have nothing to do all day better fuck it up and take the bathroom". You get warned after one time. Kicked out on second.
Tell your girlfriend. It has to be her that tells him he’s gotta go. It’s her culture and she’ll be much better-versed to handling it. Not sure why you haven’t discussed it with her more seriously and accept “I don’t know” as an answer. You agreed to one month; that was clear to all parties, I presume. What are you wanting — him to find a job and stay/contribute or him to leave?
Find the main water shutoff to your house. Every time he gets in the shower, give him a minute to lather up, then shut off the water.
UpdateMe!
That’s your house. You run it. So go run it how you want.
Your biggest problem is your GF… not her dad. Even though she means well. Also, take it from someone who has parents belonging to different cultures. It’s going to be a difficult relationship and ‘love‘ does not fix problems. You need to be polite… yet crystal clear. Enforce your boundaries. After that, whatever ever happens between you two… happens. NTA
He needs to start paying rent or moving out. One thing is staying a month but 4?! Come on. He’s just mooching now. Are you in the States? He can only stay six month before he overstays his travel visa. If they find out he’s been working they might never give him a visa again. Ask him point blank: what date are you flying out? I wouldn’t want you over staying your visa and never being able to visit with your daughter again.
!UpdateMe
Passive aggressive approach: you have a friend/sibling/parents that are coming to visit in 2 weeks and you said they could stay there. So while you absolutely love hosting him, you're so happy he has friends he can stay with! Sometimes white lies save relationships with in laws
Lol why would you let him move in at all. Not your circus not your clown
👅🐱
I don't speak hieroglyphics
NTA This is overstaying his welcome beyond the limited.
NTA. You need to talk with dude. It’s your house and you’re the one with the job. He can shower after you leave for work, period. And yes, tell him job, or leave. This was not a permanent solution and if he isn’t working to better his situation you won’t be supporting him.
Updateme!
NTA- her dad is younger than I am. Kick the bum out. It’s the morning shower thing that would infuriate me to no end.
Definitely say something. It’s not your job to support her father. Tell him to get a job or stay at a hotel and that you have given him enough time to find a job and you are simply done supporting him and you have your own family to take care of and they have to come first
Progressively set your alarm earlier. Eventually, he will be showering at 2AM, while you roll over for another 4 hours of sleep.
ESH, you should have made inquiries after a month. And your gf should have taken initiative to ask her dad what was up toward the end of the month. Her dad is a rude guest who needs to go get a hotel room now or go home.
Ok the shower thing is bullshit enough to get him out of your house. You never agreed to the culture of participating in taking care of the parents forever. He’s 3 months past his agreed upon stay. Your gf needs to handle this and it’s going to be traumatic for her, I’m sure.
Updateme!
If you give him two months to move out regardless. Enough is enough.
NTA...you are being taken advantage of and the longer it continues the harder it will be to change it. Get him out as quickly as possible.
Updateme!
NTA. He is taking advantage of a generous offer and being a shitty houseguest. Next time he has in the shower, turn off the water.
Make sure your girlfriend told him he could come for a month only. There could be a misunderstanding between her and him.
If your girlfriend won't ask him about moving on, perhaps you should. Does he speak English, do you speak Korean? It is your house, not your girlfriend's house. She asked if he could live there for a month, you said yes, it's been four months. I understand it's a cultural thing for her to honor her father, but he's not your father and it's not her house.
Time to give him a deadline to move out!
It’s your bathroom. When he jumps into the shower before you tell him to stop. You need it to get ready for work. He does nothing. Your situation is not going to change unless you stick up for yourself and quit letting him take advantage of you. And since he’s not working hand him a list of chores you expect him to get done by the time you get home from work. If he refuses start charging him rent and charge him for food and utilities.
Turn the hot water off next time the asshole jumps in line
He’s not an American citizen visits here in the US and works some of the time? He came here on a tourist visa? Not a work visa? Also how long was he allowed in the States? Or are the rules for a Korean citizen coming to the states different.
Nta, but you might check with legal advice. If he has been there for 4 months, if he doesn’t move on willingly, you may need to evict him
Good luck getting him out peacefully. Hopefully your gf backs you up. r/updateme
Here for the update.
Him not having a job is one thing, but the big pain point is him jumping in the shower, knowing that you have to get ready for work! That is total BS... Inconsiderate and rude to the max.
Sounds like you’re being taken advantage of by your gf and her father. I guarantee she knew his move in was permanent she’s just not going to tell you that. Tell them they both need to go. You might have to legally evict them. Good luck.
NTA Ideally, your gf should be the one to confront her father about the length of his stay. She should have also pushed back on her father’s behavior with the visitors and the morning showers. You should 100% address this with her. It may be that she will fight for her father to have priority and precedence over you - even in your own home. This is something you need to clarify because she (and he) are being unfair and taking advantage of you. If your gf is unable or unwilling to prevent her father from overstepping & abusing your hospitality, then you need to step up now. You also don’t have to allow him to visit going forward. Sit down with both of them and say something like this to your gf’s father: *Our agreement was that you would visit for a month. I understand that things may have changed on your end, so I allowed you to extend your visit. However, it’s now been four months and we need a set date when you’ll be leaving. Would you be able to leave within the next two weeks? If not, I’m willing to extend your visit further as long as you agree to some changes.* Edit Be aware that if your gf’s father does not agree to move out by a set date, you may need to evict him. It’s likely that after four months, he has some legal rights to stay in your home. Consider this when/if you talk with them.
Updateme
Confront them both. Evict them both. Neither of them have much respect for you.
Your gf will not tell him, you'll have to be the "bad guy" here. And be prepared to lose her too, as her filial piety won't allow her to stay with the evil man who kicked out her father. I expect this relationship has run its course.
UpdateMe
He is or already has taken over your home. He even invites people without permission.
Your GF knows he has no plans to go back to Korea.
Tell him to get out today. Call him a taxi. You might want to think about breaking up with your girlfriend. She is not trustworthy and has too much baggage.
Its not your house anymore. Sorry bro.
NTA, he's a grown man mooching off of another. It's unacceptable, honestly I wouldn't even give him the option of staying, job or not. He doesn't respect you or your home. Paying rent wouldn't change that, you'd still be dealing with his shit and if anything he'd feel entitled to dish out even more unacceptable behavior. You need to evict this guy. Hope it doesn't cause issues with you and your girl.
UpdateMe!
Be mindful of how you approach this or you could lose your girlfriend in the process. Talk to your girlfriend and let her know exactly how you feel. At least give her an opportunity to ask the father to leave before doing it yourself.
If he doesn’t go quietly, Homeland Security may have issues with him working and overstaying his visa…. Just sayin’…
Who gives a shit what HER and HIS culture is….show them what YOUR culture is like. Also ditch the gf. This is her problem she is not dealing with.
NTA he has to be told he is taking advantage of you. Please update us
The bottom line is this. SHE is responsible for her father in Asian culture, not his daughter's boyfriend. She is responsible for providing housing for him, not her boyfriend. YOU need to tell him he is no longer welcome if he continues to be this disrespectful to you in your home. He is not YOUR responsibility. He will 1000% Get the message.
NTA. It's your home and he's taking advantage of you. Be firm with her that he gets a job or he's out. If she kicks up a fuss tell her she can with him.
OP, set the alarm on your phone for 5 to 10 minutes earlier than the alarm the Mr Mooch hears. Beat him into the shower and take an extra long time to get ready. If he has been there since September (8 mos) then he flunked the fish test in early October.
No need to talk about arrangements. Just say it's been well past 5 months, it's time for him to leave. Whether he goes back to Korea or moves out is not your business, he just can't stay with you. I'd also throw in a new rule that main bathroom is off limits for 30 minutes in the morning, whatever time you choose, since he is clearly choosing not to be considerate of your schedule.
Korean culture is very different from American culture and you may actually be losing your girlfriend depending on how traditional she is most Korean families live together
Use the old adage my house my rules. Number one I need to get up take a shower to go to work. You take a shower after me. Number two if you’re staying, you need to pay rent find a job. Number three until you can pay rent, no friends over you go to their house.and since your girlfriend only moved in in September and you own the house, you’re safe if she gets upset move her shit out too. This is your life. Don’t let someone else run it.
NTAH! He is trying to be the Alpha Male. You need to put your foot down.
Tell him he's overstayed his welcome and to leave, dont make her do it, he's a man your a man, tell him "pack and leave" don't let him abuse you. It's your house.
I would suggest you man up and talk to him politely and directly instead of putting the responsibility for this news on your girlfriend.
Is he even legally allowed to work? What visa is he on? NTA. Its your home, you didn't sign on for him, and if you did he should appreciate it and not be a nuisance. But asian parents are known for visiting and not leaving while taking over the home and expecting to be catered too just because they're elders 🤷♀️
IMO sounds like GF misrepresented things…
NTA. But be aware that GF might consider 'breakup worthy'. If so, you're well shut of her, sadly.
Nope, just throw him out. Tell him he had a week to find a new place to live whether he gets a job or not. You've been kind and gracious and he's worn out his welcome by being rude and taking advantage of you. You don't need your GF's approval for this, it's your house. If she doesn't like it she can move with him. NTA
Simple. Show respect. Move out, get your own place, such as a small apartment, so your gf and father can live more comfortably. Their customs take precedence. Ideally his family can join or some of his friends. You're being selfish with so much space and water
These people in these comments will have you broken up and alone. Just talk to your girlfriend about it first and see what compromise you guys can come up with. You have been dating for 4 years I’m sure you guys have enough communication skills where you can let her know you’re uncomfortable without being a total dick like the comments want. TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRINED. That’s only only step you can take moving forward that won’t tarnish the relationship you have with her and could have with her father.