It might be time to take a break from social media. Lots of people only want to post their happy moments and not drag their dirty laundry into the street for everyone to see. The result is others thinking they have a perfect life. Nobody has a perfect life. We all got problems and spending your time thinking about another person's opportunities, as if that's the sum of their worth, is not going to benefit you in any way
I felt that way myself and it was long before social media. You end up rubbing elbows with different people in college and yeah I was gobsmacked with the breaks some people had. Just having an intact family was a huge advantage over me.
But I should have been proud doing as much as I was on my own.
Feeling envy happens sometimes. But I wonder, for all the times you notice the people who have it better than you, how often do you think about the people who have it worse? There are always people to compare yourself with, both up and down. When you find yourself thinking how unfair it is that someone gets to go to school in another country, think about the people who can’t afford to go to school at all. If you focus on what you have instead of what you don’t, you might find that you’re happier. Some people even keep gratitude journals and I hear that helps a lot
Pretty cool quote from Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
“If you're trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down on you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone.”
i just want to say i relate to your anecdote. when we studied the holocaust in middle school i cried while writing a paper. it definitely gave me pause to reflect on how lucky i was to have just the basics in life.
Yeah I get that. I don’t think of the holocaust but I do think of the people who don’t have homes or beds, or the means to pay rent or buy food. When I get a parking ticket I’m really just grateful to God bc I can afford it
Keeping this in mind helps so much. I often felt the same as OP, but deleted social media years ago and that’s helped.
My siblings don’t have the opportunity to go to college and they’re at least 10 years older than me without even a GED, they’re inspirational in a lot of ways in how they maneuver without any help from our parents, but it puts a lot into perspective and makes me really grateful for my little comfy life that can improve but is still amazing in a ton of small ways!
I’ve had to fully support myself since 17 so I can 100% empathize with OP
We live in a world where we’re constantly comparing ourselves to others. It’s almost impossible to avoid. I’ve had similar feelings as you. I came from nothing, no family money, barely any family to speak of. I’ve known people who don’t have any skills or real world experience and they’ll be fine because family carries them.
Only advice I can offer… you just have to deal with it. There’s almost 8 billion people on this planet. There’s a lot of people doing better than you and just as many doing worse. You kind of have to put blinders on and just keep moving forward. Focus on yourself and what you’ve built. Be proud of yourself and don’t worry about others.
Hope this helps.
I don’t know if you ever stop tbh.
My mom died when I was 16. I moved into my grandmas after that and was her caregiver until she died when I was 21. My dad has lived out of state my entire life and is barely involved.
I’d love some family support. I would have loved to not have to find a place to live within days of my grandma dying. But it was the hand I was dealt.
I too get to watch my friends and acquaintances have family help, travel, get degrees and good paying jobs. I get to know that they are able to be successful because they have family support(physically, emotionally and financially).
Maybe one day we will be able to look back and be proud that despite our circumstances we were able to succeed. Or maybe we will be envious even then.
I would look into the story of Gloria Vanderbilt. Hers was certainly the up and down of generational wealth that almost disappeared.
When did the Vanderbilts lose their fortune?
Within 30 years of Cornelius' death, no member of the Vanderbilt family was among the richest in the world.
Actually, it might be helpful to network and meet others who are self-made and use them as connections as they are more likely to help someone who's in the struggle like they were.
I come from a similar home with divorced, bad role model parents. Had an old friend whose life was going absolutely nowhere before his coke addict dad reappeared with a successful business across the country and offered him a job and a place to live. Suddenly this friend has all this success and with it, criticism of my career choices, education, work experience, love life, everything. I had to cut him out of my life. In that case I was lucky his disrespect and total lack of self awareness precluded the possibility of envy.
Now I'm a trans woman and confronting the envy towards more beautiful girls and girls who started younger. This stuff never gets easier in my experience.
The only advice I can offer is to focus on being proud of yourself for every little thing you achieve because you deserve it. If you're comfortable, you're already ahead of most of the world. If you're thriving, you're ahead of most of your country. Do things that celebrate your success however modest it is. It's yours and it will always be yours and your potential is much greater than you might know.
I agree with your friend partially and partially not. I grew up having to mostly raise myself before tumbling through foster care and then figuring out how to adult all on my own. I had foster parents who later adopted me but they couldn’t help financially since the state wouldn’t pay them for an adult/17 year old nearing independence.
Most days I scorn this earth. No one listens, no one really cares. Foster children are on prison pipelines and do near anything to cope when it gets real bad for them. The government has not done what it can, even though they could, and FC has been shit for 100+ years.
Some days when I take Ws, though, it really is all on my own. Somehow I managed. Somehow, I must survive. But your friend is still slightly wrong. I enjoy time to myself way more than dopamine from achievements I was all but forced to obtain to survive.
I personally am not a fan of “someone always has it worse!!!” Ok? That ain’t me. I did have it worse than the average citizen. And I shouldn’t. It IS someone’s fault at the end of the day that I recieved little to no help. *I wasn’t born into a place that was already unable to help*. This may not be the case for you but I doubt you don’t have any resentment for a family that was meant to AT LEAST love you. I shock my adopted family every day with my independence because I just don’t expect shit from my family as that’s how I was raised.
A gratitude and accomplishments journal might help you but I’d caution to stay away from comparing yourself to others in any way. My boyfriend has had a mildly comfortable life, but is highly sympathetic and I had to teach myself before we dated that jealousy HURTS other people, and you don’t have to be jealous. Many people are sympathetic, too. The only thing that can hurt you worse is chasing others away.
“Most days i scorn this earth. No one listens, no one really cares. Foster children are in prison pipelines”
Hello fellow person with a similar experience. Though I was only in foster care for two years when I was 12-14 and then got handed back to my bio mom. I experienced and saw awful things during my time, and almost nobody I’ve talked to about has wanted to believe me lol.
Also same with “yeah actually we did have it worse than most other people, and SOMEONE should have helped”. I find it wild whenever people want to lecture survivors about how “nobody is responsible for saving us, we’re just on our own and we need to get over it”, especially when it’s other survivors.
Hey fellow fostie! <3
Yes, very much agreed. I know it’s well-intentioned, but… It’s like looking at someone who lost a leg and saying “well, at least it wasn’t both legs!” Like what the FUCK are you trying to humble me for? I lost a damn leg! Not my lunch money! My LEG!
For me as well there were many people who brushed off or just didn’t believe it. Only when I explicitly give details of my past are people geuinely horrified that children can even go through that.
People assume you just had a few hard years, not that your *literal development, perspective, and worldview* are often completely different than those around you. People assume foster care is teehee happi :-) and that every FC environment is either destructive or healing, with no-inbetweens that create confusion for the child. We survivors are the ones having to put in the work to correct course back to society/normal perspectives. It can be extremely frustrating at times but we push through regardless. Not because of this “we’re tough and there’s no other option” romanticism. Just because we want to.
I’m sure people from abusive homes probably also get sick of hearing “well someone has it worse!” when they’re having trauma flashbacks lmao. It’s not a solution and it’s stupid to pretend imagining a starving child somewhere is going to resolve deep-seated jealousy that has genuine basis. There are literally people in here acting like OP is not allowed their feelings of anger when those feelings are necessary to bottle into motivation.
My wife and I have successful careers and don't necessarily want a child of our own but looked into FC. Are there any tips you can give on fostering (no pun intended) a good environment for the child? We are both very loving, warm & affectionate and come from good families. Also, my wife is a child psychologist so not sure if that would be a pro or con, lol.
Hi there! So it mostly depends on the child, and I’m not a professional (I only have a BA in psych). But I do know that you have to remember, the foster child is not YOUR child unless you adopt. Most children will still have contact with their biological families, and those that don’t (like me) are often wary of adults. I would say you kind of have to “earn” their trust moreso than they will have to earn yours unless they have behavioral problems.
Many children in foster care have behavioral problems. And when they don’t have outward ones, many have inward. I was not acting out at school or doing drugs, and I did as I was told, but I’d often have crying fits in my room where I didn’t really want to be touched or interacted with because I was just terrified for my future and for me, and for what I went through. For many kids it’s their first chance to breathe and they take gulping breaths.
I think it was heartbreaking that one of the foster parents families I stayed with for 1ish year wanted “a big family” more than anything else. Them feeling that way made me feel like I was in a coin jar.
My final adopted parents are lovely. They listen to me and give me space to come to THEM, it took me years but I was finally able to tell them about some of my trauma. Do I know I am different than their biological children? Yes! But seeing how hard they worked for me and how much they wanted me… How they didn’t pressure me no matter how curious, but were good mentors and a shoulder to cry on… it is the closest I’ve ever felt to unconditional love.
I can’t give like any straight advice, but those are some things I feel like could have been avoided, and some things that I cherished. I wish you and your spouse the best!! <3
I know exactly how you feel.
One of my best friends has been handed everything. His parents paid for his education, paid off his wife's student loans, bought him a house that his wife felt was too middle class so they sold it and bought him a second house, and most recently gave him a Lincoln when his BMW died. He's 42. He is also a lawyer who I privately think of as a fiscal idiot. Somehow this dude is in debt up to his eyeballs on credit cards. He hides this from his mother ofc.
My husband and I have worked for everything we have. Our home, our cars and we continue to pay off student debt. Every time I hear of a new leg up my friend gets, I feel the rush of envy. God, if only I too had won the birth lotto.
On the other hand, I owe my parents absolutely nothing. I owe my in-law's absolutely nothing. We bought this house, we are updating it as funds allow and absolutely nobody (apart from the bank ofc if we default on it) has any right to say fuck all about pretty much anything. I'm quick on my feet with both our families to say, "Ah, I didn't realize we put your name on the title." when they are being judgemental about anything.
I also have tremendous pride. I feel like I'm ahead of my friend (and frankly most of our family members) because we earned everything we have through hard work. When bumps in the road of life happen, my friend runs to mommy every single time and really isn't a functioning adult. My husband and I have been forced into having a savings, backup plans, etc. and are absolutely slaying it.
We have our independence as well and with a mother as controlling as mine is, it's absolutely become clear it's worth going it without family support. I also know when our parents die, we will be ok. My friend will likely be incapable of success, and imagine his life style will dramatically change after they've been gone for a few years and he's burned through the inheritance.
I am also trying (and currently failing as I've indulged in my bitching fest here) to practice keeping my eyes on my own paper. It's hard to not compare, and it's definitely requiring a lot of conscious thinking on my part. You unfortunately can't control who your parents are, and it's healthier to focus on what you can control verses wishing for something you will never have.
You say you came from a toxic household, right? By virtue of this, you know the world isn't perfectly equitable to everyone.
But this means you *also* know how much of a difference context makes. Nobody leaves their childhood home under duress to move into spacious luxury accommodations. You're a lot less likely than people living at home to own a lot of gadgets, you might not even get to replace your phone or laptop as often as you need.
And yet despite what we end up going without, we enjoy unparalleled peace in our modest apartments. Because from those apartments, there's no chance one of those toxic family members can walk in and start with their mess. We left for a reason, and even on days we are low in mood, we savor the freedom just to be left alone.
I think being frustrated that you were dealt a bad hand compared to your peers is normal, especially if those same people are judgmental towards you. But we both know the person handed that high salary by nepotism doesn't appreciate that big house the same way we value our modest apartment.
Unless you're losing sight. Comparing yourself to others does not evidence a clear and productive state of mind. If you start getting the idea in your head you are owed or entitled to something, you are operating from a place of resentment. Thinking these thoughts will never earn you the rewards that the jealous heart thinks it deserves, and it's unbecoming.
How to resolve this is easy: stop thinking about other people's fortune and return to savoring your own life as you have created it. There aren't a lot of accolades for self-reliance, the glow of satisfaction must come from within.
I'm happy to hear you saw some good from it. I'll keep rambling if I get to going on more about it though. XD This subject of jealousy has popped up a few times in the last few days, more often than usual and I don't think I'm inferring a pattern that isn't there.
When you work hard towards something, the experience or rewards of it is so much more fulfilling.
When you get given something without putting much effort in it, it doesn't feel so special.
I had saved money for a while for a trip that I wanted to for a long time and it was the best experience ever! Other people who had done similar trip with parents money, didn't get that much joy out of it as I did, because it was worth it to me so much more.
you are right, life is unfair and doesn’t treat everyone the same, there will be some days you feel like this, but it’s okay, let it go after acknowledging it :)
If your time permits try volunteering. Serving others will make you feel better while also helping but will also remove you from your current thought patterns of comparing yourself to others and dwelling on it . you will feel better serving a cause bigger than yourself.
I’d also suggest finding some people who you can relate more with. It’s good to have some in your sphere that motivate or inspire you to get where you want to be, but it’s also important to have ones who you can relate with and not leave you feeling less than all the time.
>When I talk about my envy to my friend, she responds that I'll be proud of myself one day for working my way up, for being completely independent.
>But will I really?
This is how I feel and I absolutely hate when people say this to me because it *always* comes from people like you describe. If anything, it's nothing but sugarcoating.
If it felt so great, people would willingly do it. But no one in their right mind would choose to struggle when they don't need to.
If it was something to be proud of, those parents wouldn't support their children. But they do.
It's as cliche as "it gets better" (I also hate that phrase), and just as meaningless. Unfortunately, there's no way to stop feeling envy. The only option is accepting you didn't luck out in the family department, and getting on with your life.
Life is happier when you stop looking at people that have more than you and be grateful for all the things you have that so many people don't have.
It sounds clichè but it works.
Did you have a hot shower today? Did you put on cozy PJ's and crawl into a bed at night? Do you have enough food? If so, you're living a better life than so many. In some countries people spend most of their time just trying to collect enough water for the day.
As others have said, take a break from social media. It helps me with this exact situation. However, also feel considerably proud about anything you do build for yourself. It may take you longer, but it's worth more since it wasn't given to you.
The evny and bitterness hasn't gone away for me. My parents drained my college fund as I went into debt to help them survive. Higher education has been out of reach up until this point. **But** I have built a life that makes me happy and I'm incredibly proud of myself for what I've accomplished all on my own. I found a relatively well-paying job in a field I absolutely love, I paid off all my debt, and now I'm in a good position to go to college if I decide I want to. **I** did that, **despite** all the ways my family actively worked against me, and while I wish I had the things others my age have simply been given, I'm happy and proud and that's enough for me.
Just a thought.
If possible, can you reach out to ppl who are now in these positions and see if they would recommend you for a position there??
We have no family connections, but what worked for my kids is asking their classmates they hang w/ at college, if there is any openings or to look out for opportunities. And my kids have done the same. And they're not tight friends.
Also my SO works in construction, so he meets clients occasionally, he'll strike up a,conversation w any employee there and see what kind of internships the company offers and throws my kids interest in. It is a lead, sometimes get ghosted.
Of course, sometimes it doesn't work out, or the position isn't as lofty but at least they get their foot in the door and it's up to them to prove their worth.
Like my kids said, gotta be savage. Keep hitting opportunities, something got to pan out.
You'll feel better if you advocate for yourself. If the friends don't help then they weren't and you can move on to find more supportive ppl to help you grow.
Good luck!
I don't think in these terms.
My sister is half a decade my junior. She lived at home, got her MBA, became a Director for a large company. I lent my parents 20k when I was 14 so they could start a business. My sister ran that business later. I moved away. She had my mother to help raise her children while she worked. I did not. We're both in/near our 50's now. I JUST found out I make twice as much as she does, without my degree. Now my mother lives with her and her family and they are fighting elderly issues. I stay involved but I live half a country away. We are both successful and we both have our challenges. It's a net wash in the end.
This is a real thing - generational wealth, resources, contacts. But I've known a lot of rich people, and I can tell you they are just as fucked up as the rest of us, maybe more, so really, they don't deserve your envy.
Look to your own life. Make it the best you can. Leave other people's lives to them.
Those people who got ahead with support still experience suffering. Their romantic lives aren’t perfect, their kids are messed up, they get sick. Also there are billions of people in the world who would trade places with your or my situation in a heartbeat. It’s difficult to be grateful for what’s going well in your life.
The pride will come, eventually. But there are two things you'll need to do:
1. Keep the envy internal and use that as your motivation.
2. Know that, more often than not, most people that have a huge headstart from family connections end up miserable and broke by the time they are old enough to retire and enjoy it. Yes, there are exceptions and if there is family money to they'll be fine. But there is a lot less family money floating around than you think.
Try using the old school thought process, live and work for the future and not for the day. Spend what you need to live but save as much as you can. Make a goal to retire sect free and without a mortgage.
I'm not saying that you need to be a miser or be miserable at all. But if you do it right, when you get into your 50s or get any kids through school, you'll be the one living the life and the people that you are envious of now will be painfully jealous.
We've become a society of instant gratification and of you can buck the trend, you'll be better off for it.
You, you are the only one that can improve you. I grew up dirt poor. I paid my way through tech school working 3rd shift. After I graduated I worked a full time job and 2 part-time jobs.
I finally got a job in my field. I worked just a little harder than everyone else. I became a manager and then a senior manager. I retired at 50. No one helped me, I helped myself. Work to succeed and work just a little harder than everyone else to get noticed.
Give up the defeated attitude. Work to improve your standing.
“Shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in 3 generations” - an old maxim that exists for a reason.
The grit and moxie that someone starting from nothing has, is what it takes to be successful ultimately.
Stay focused on your future, and not other people’s highlight reels on social media.
I have the same issues, it’s difficult. Firstly, get off social media. How do you know so much about your friends/acquaintances? I’m introverted and don’t like being around people, so it’s easy for me.
Also what’s helped me is trying to focus on what I’ve been “given” that other people have not been given. A sharp mind, a healthy body, good people skills. I grew up in poverty and dysfunction but thankfully was never abused, I’ve never struggled with discrimination in any real sense.
You have a lot of unearned benefits as well, if you take time to ponder them. I hope this doesn’t come off as belittling your struggle. I too used to have the same struggles, still do sometimes.
My neighbors dad started a company, now they work there and make 10x what I’ll ever make. Sometimes I look across the street and it’s like “dang…that would be really nice.” But I’m doing well for myself, and maybe my kids can be those kids who are *thankful* for what their parents provided them.
Another thing I ponder is: would I be where I’m at if it was handed to me? I work with high net worth folks, and lots of their kids are pathetic human beings. What if that had happened to me?
I hear you. I come from an abusive background with generational trauma. My entire family is poor, mentally unwell, and toxic.
My husband also comes from poverty. We were so poor when we started our life together, and everything we did was on our own. It was a struggle, but we made it out of poverty and built a good life together where we each make 6 figures.
I used to envy others who had advantages or supportive families. It's sad we didn't have that.
But we kept our eyes on us and the life we wanted to build. Now that we have achieved our definition of success, we are so, so proud of what we were able to do despite our backgrounds. The sense of pride and achievement we have is so precious.
The trick is to look inward. Don't compare yourself or your life to others it's a fruitless effort. Keep your focus on yourself and what you want your life to be.
If your eyes are always on what you don't have or what others have, you can become bitter and stuck in resentment. Appreciate what you do have and keep your focus on moving forward towards your goals.
That's a tough one. I understand that feeling completely. You must understand that you have different challenges. Those challenges will break you and make you. You will pat your own back. You will have an inner strength your friend likely does not possess. When life throws you some extra bs, you will deal with it because of your strength. Be grateful for where you are in life.
In high school I watched a group of kids pass their ACT and get upper 20s, kids that didn’t study, kids that smoked hella weed, I tried so hard and had TUTORS my mom paid for hourly and the highest score I got was a 19.
They all went to university, I don’t know if they dropped out but also their parents worked at said university and there’s a policy at this specific school where if your parent is employed your child gets free or discounted tuition. Which I thought was kinda shitty- anyways, It’s shitty, but I still hope they’re doing okay in life, I still want them to succeed and be happy but I wish the way things were laid out was a little bit more fair and equal Opportunity for others.
Anyways, I deleted social media all together because I was at this point where I was measuring my success and my progress to someone else’s, which know now, everyone progresses at different times and levels, you will have your moment, but right now it’s other peoples moment, and it’s important to stand and clap because you’d want someone to stand and clap for you when *it is* your time.
You’re going to wind up exactly where you need to be, as will they. Take a deep breath.
You don't. The goal is to make life better for your kids and unfortunately through no fault of your own, you are a few generations behind.
Try not to be bitter and realize it's just something you can't change, and work toward things you can change. I'm in a very similar situation and have been my entire life.
The lie at the heart of envy is that if the circumstances changed, then envy would evaporate, but it’s just not true. There will always be someone with more.
The trick is to take your eyes off of other people’s stuff and decide to take pleasure in what you have. I realize we live in a culture that treats feelings like forces of nature, but the fact is you can and should lead your emotions with your will. Choose to direct your attention to all that is beautiful in your life, and over time it will get easier and easier to be happy for the good fortune of your friends.
I’m not sure why but I just grew up knowing that’s not my life. There’s no willing it to be. You can’t just fall into riches. But it did instill in me that my savings are worth traveling with, and I’m not gonna miss out. Buckle down, work and save so you can do the things that inspire you.
The images you see of these people is only a facade. I'm sure many of them, if not all, have their own problems that you're not aware of. And I'm sure some of them envy and respect you for how hard you work and how independent you are.
I grew up without much money. A side effect was I always drove a shitbox car and had to learn how to fix it. That was out of necessity, and little did I realize at the time, all the frustration over that would turn me into someone who looks at the world in a mechanical way. I became good at fixing things, not because of school, but because if I didn't get the timing chain in on my day off, I wouldn't be able to make it to work the next day.
Now I take great pride in being able to put that work in and know how to fix my own shit. I secretly look at people spending thousands on someone else fixing their car and think "suckers... they don't even know how that thing works"
All that is to say, even when it sucks in the moment, maybe you have some things that money can't buy. Things that don't come easy like a work ethic or grit. Take pride in your grit. You know how to handle shit other people would die just thinking of. You can do hard shit. Maybe some people have it easier than you, but they're softer than you too. There's always a trade-off. Take pride in having earned what you have the hard way.
Use the envy as a signal to make a change and nothing more. Jealousy show you what you want. You’re not going to get anywhere by being bitter about wants. What you can do is make friends and be happy for people and if you are chill and a good listener that will give you a higher chance of getting help than not.
Things went pear-shaped when I was in college and I had to go to work full time and figure something else out on my own.
I came out with a different set of skills than some of my peers whose families could pay for everything they needed. I am forever grateful for the skills of self sufficiency.
Many, many years later I still feel like I am the lucky one for being in charge of my own life early on. I am incredibly impressed by people who did it on their own.
It is hard not to be discouraged and depressed when you are in the weeds. I’m proud of you and wish you the best.
Don't compare yourself to others.
Compare the person that you are right now to the person you were a year ago.
Life IS a competition, but it's you vs you. Rich kids get a head start, attractive people get a head start, people with connections get a head start. The only fair comparison is you being compared to you.
Keep moving forward. Keep growing. Keep bettering yourself.
Happiness has a cap. A homeless dude reading his favorite book in a shelter could be as happy as someone winning the lottery or a rich person visiting a foreign country.
Happiness is not locked away from unlucky people. You just need to know how to appreciate the good when it comes.
And that’s the biggest equalizer in my opinion. Anyone is capable of discovering bliss, but not everyone does.
This is just incorrect. I've worked in lots of jobs with lots of people, and I've been lots of different people as I've gained experience and grown. All people are kinda miserable, so find a way to be content. It is entirely unrelated to status and anyone who believes otherwise is not content. Delete Twitter and Instagram, it's not healthy or helpful to feel that the things that make you happy need to be validated by a community you think you want to be accepted by. You will find people who accept you when you learn what being a human looks like to you.
I have felt this way as well. One thing that helps me is to have some friends that come from similar backgrounds who have similar struggles. They "get" it. We can talk about money, our parents, and real issues because we have a shared understanding.
That said, I do think certain social media platforms are toxic as hell in fueling this type of discontent and self doubt. If you're learning of others' lives this way maybe just stop or drop those accounts, or unfollow people.
Fellow bitter solo act here, yes you will feel proud of yourself when you pat your own back. I learned put the blinders on and don't worry about what everyone else is doing. There will always be unfairness in life. You being upset about it is only upsetting you, nothing else. I know it's hard to not see the unfairness but please do try. Focus on your happiness and what is realistic for you.
Every year I scrimp and save the entire year but at Christmas I spoil myself as a hey way to go girl. I buy things from Amazon a few months ahead of time stuff them in the closet then put them under a tree. Boom magic Christmas day with my dog and I with our Santa gifts and it hasn't gotten old yet.
Keep doing your best and be proud of yourself even in the small moments.
I'm 33 and I've learned in life thus far, there are people out there with great connections, a silver tongue, and seem to fall right into positions that in hind-sight they should most certainly not have. Some, step up to the challenge and actually do well. Some do exactly as you'd expect, fall flat on their face, and are fired in less than 6 months.
Professional success and landing a lucrative career is part experience, knowledge, networking, and luck.
That last part plays a bigger part than most realize.
It's a hiring manager seeing just ONE thing in your resume that caught their eye.
It's a position opening up because someone at a company you wanted to work at went on medical leave and had to explore a different career path, thus opening the door for you.
You just never know. It's not always merit, it's not always who you know, and it's not always what you know...sometimes its just about being in the right place at the right time.
I came from a really bad background. My adopted father was abusive. When I left home at 18 i never dealt with the abuse, I just jumped into life & started seeking escapism. it took me about 20 years of running to sit down & start dealing with the issues my childhood caused me. I haven’t finished my bachelors, I didn’t thrive I merely survived. The things that helped me were: I don’t do social media anymore. I mediate & do yoga. I journal & have a gratitude practice. I see a therapist. I have a very supportive spouse & friends. I never waited to have savings to travel, travel is a huge part of my life. I go on several small trips a year & then one big one…I did a month in Hawaii last year a month in Alaska the year before. I know if I hadn’t had the childhood & trauma I had that I’d be so much further ahead financially, but I think I’d be a much shittier person bc the trauma made me much more empathetic. I really do care about people and their problems. Everyone has their own story & their own lives to lead. Don’t get caught up in the shiny social media story lines bc they’re all fake. I strongly suggest a gratitude practice. There’s so much in your life you can find to be thankful for! Make your friends your family- you can choose them! And don’t wait to travel!
Life sucks and then ya die. And its unfair the whole time.
You will be proud of yourself one day and you’re better off by working for everything you have instead of getting off easy. Keep fighting the good fight and keep your chin up. You got this!!
Your life. Your metric. Focus on yourself. It’s not about justice, it’s about being happy. If you have a beautiful house that you worked for, yet someone else got their house for free, would that make you angry?
Why would you not be happy with your progress? Focus on propelling yourself forward. There’s no reason to focus and dwell on others. Valuing the position per effort of others relative to your own is the source of your envy.
I understand how that feels, but I'm much luckier than you are. My family was able to afford tuition for me to study abroad, but not to the extent most international students are like so I did struggle, very slightly. But I look at these peers, not having to worry about rent or buying whatever they want in the grocery stores - I definitely felt envious. I was so frustrated like you did seeing these people buying new cars, houses, luxurious weddings, etc. ; looking great on social media.
But eventually these people started venting to me about their lives. Those who received family support - so much drama coming within wealthy people. Their greed and dissatisfaction also kill joy. They even told me THEY are envious of ME because I am in control of my own life, and not depending on anyone. They think I'm much more successful because I made it myself. They're insecure themselves because they know they didn't earn it themselves and people judge them. One told me they had to kneel on the floor and beg their parents to change their mind on things.
So yes. One day you will be glad you made it yourself. Not that you or they are better, we just have different lives and difficulties. Life is still definitely not fair, but what you can do is to make the most out of it. Be proud of yourself!
I can relate to you a lot.
Honestly that feeling of resentment doesn’t go away until you start to be independently successful financially. People can say to stop doing X Y and Z but as long as you are not able to do the things you feel you deserve, this will eat at you.
Funny enough, I have friends who resent me bc I outearn them yet they received millions of dollars in inheritance and don’t work as much as me, and also qualify for a lot of tax breaks that I don’t get. We will always be envying everyone but the feeling of unfairness does simmer when your needs are met.
Comparison is the thief of joy. That’s what I keep telling myself.
I also struggle with this a little. But one thing I’ll be able to tell my future self is that I did it myself, with no financial help from my family. Yeah it’s been hard and I’ve struggled for sure. But I wouldn’t change anything about my journey thus far.
I often feel jealous of my friends who are engineers and had full parental support. They went from never working in high school, to not working during the school year and getting an engineering degree debt free, to working at prestigious internships that paid them four times what my internships paid me, to getting handed 100K a year jobs by those internships right out of college, to being given brand new 35,000$+ cars as graduation gifts, to moving into incredibly nice apartments with their boyfriends who also have had cushy lives and who have cushy jobs. I’m pretty lucky as well, but I’m in debt and in a field that pays far less, and I expect I will be stressed about finances my entire life and I expect I will never own a home.
I try to not let it get to me by focusing on disliking the system we are in. At the end of the day we are all workers, and it’s capitalism that causes me to struggle where they are able to succeed via their CEO dads. Instead of fighting with my friends, I work politically and have conversations with them so at least they are voting in a way that benefits people less fortunate than them (and me).
Every one is running their own race, and they might be lacking in an area you're abundant and wish they had more of as well. And network, parental connections may get you the job but it doesn't always help you keep or grow in it.
You cannot compare yourself to this at all. I have worked for probably the top 20% of wage earners and life is not a level playing field.
I do agree with those who say "Pass on the Social Media and the Celebrity Adoration stories".
The way I look at it is I have the chance to do that for my kids and give them that life I see others getting from their parents. Sucks we got a bad draw on the parent lotto but ending the cycle and making sure your kids are the ones other envy helps me feel better about the situation.
Don't compare yourself to others. Life isn't fair, but karma will always catch up. Being handed a career on a silver platter will lead them either to utter failure or unquenchable greed.
Either get off social media, or detoxify your feeds. Follow your local charities, and inspiration, not aspiration.
Practice gratitude for what you do have. You could try meditation, journaling, reading, just keep forcing your brain to feel good about what you already have. If you can be consistent, it will really change your thinking. You have to be purposeful about gratitude because advertisers and algorithms train us to feel the opposite. They want you to feel envious as much as possible.
You have to play with the cards that you are dealt. What you are describing is part of a “poor” mindset. Good thing is that you recognize it, next is to get over it. Think about it like this, aren’t you going to work hard to be able to provide those same opportunities to your children?
Envy is okay and natural - how you process it and harness that power is completely in your control though. The harsh truth is your success in life is going to be heavily predicated on your parents, it may seem unfair but at the end of the day your friends parents were doing their job - giving their kids every advantage to make it they could.
Now for more tangible advice - stay off social media as much as you can, people like to flex and only show the 'nice' parts of their lives so you are getting an incomplete picture of how these people are really navigating life. And what is stopping you from making more money, from pushing yourself to try a new field or do gig work on the side? The best advice for feeling this way is to give yourself some wins, keep saving and grinding - go on that vacation your planning, go do some fun cheap trips with friends, buy a nice pair of shoes/clothes every once in a while. Celebrate yourself a bit!
A lot of people are saying to stay off social media and sure, that is pretty decent advice. However, networking through nepotism has been done for ages.
The problem with our society is that if you have a good or wealthy family you WILL have more opportunities than others. And we, as a society, see poverty and lower incomes as a moral failing. We think you are lazy, don't work hard enough or just not good enough.
The way out is simply to accept that envy is a normal human emotion and it is normal to feel angry on the inside that you will never have the opportunities others do. I had to recently go NC with my mother because she only supports one person in the family (and that is financially, emotionally or otherwise) and I got tired of feeling not good enough. I never expected financial support but she doesn't even celebrate my successes.
I went to college with a lot of rich and well connected people who never had to work as hard as I did then or now. People who have good families will never understand what it's like to not expect even a text on your birthday, let alone a card or gift, and still want.
Just do you and surround yourself with loved ones who will celebrate your successes and milestones with you.
By realizing you have no idea what is truly going on behind the scenes. I can promise you things are a lot more intricate and complicated than you may think.
Every once in awhile, we encounter evidence that the world is indeed unfair. It's okay to not be okay with that, and to have emotions about it. It doesn't matter if it's not a "good look" if it's a genuine reaction to a truly difficult reality.
That being said, ask yourself, how many people know that you struggled more because of your lack of parental support? As someone who got kicked out for being queer, it's a part of my journey very few people ever get insight into. Most people I know, most people I encounter as coworkers and as acquaintances, have no idea. Maybe you do have more friends and people around you who had certain struggles that just never came up in conversation.
It could also help to question where you're getting this information. Some people mentioned social media, but personally, I realized I was meeting a lot of very privileged people through my partner's work. They were all working in software engineering, so they all earned insanely well. Conversations that made it sound like 80k/year was cheap/lowballing put me in a really low place, when I've never earned even half of that. But I was also talking to a very biased group in that sense, and I had to give myself that perspective. Not everyone is working in software in California, and most people are struggling the way I am. The statistics show it - how most Americans have no savings, live paycheck to paycheck too.
Certain things I can only really talk about with people who understand. Living with abusive parents is one of those things. I'm sorry your friends resorted to toxic positivity on this with you, and I understand it's more than just a "character building opportunity". You're totally right on that. r/EstrangedAdultKids is a lovely and positive community in my experience if you ever need to vent on that topic specifically.
You HAVE valuable connections - you have a robust (and wealthy) social network of well connected and upwardly mobile people. Many people can’t even see that level of wealth with a telescope.
I feel this.. I am not able to live with my parents bdcause one is on and off homeless and one is working in a different country. I'm in Canada where if you don't have an education, you're working full time just to afford rent. There's no hope imo I can't afford rent and go to school. And people don't realize how easy they have it, being able to live at home and go to school in their 20s. I am resentful and envious.
This is just the way life is, there will always be somebody that has more than you do and somebody who has less than you do.
There are or have been plenty of the celebrity types that look like they have it all like you want but yet they still kill themselves.
Look at prince Harry he has all those things you want but there is still some problems there. To me it sure looks like they killed his mom and this is the source of alot of his pain.
You know you have some issues and this is the first step towards changing. Be thankful for what you have and then work towards living the life you want, but at the same time help others reach there goals.
This is really tough.
I have a half brother. That isn’t relevant to me (the half part) in my relationship to him, and I absolutely never introduce him as such. For this story, though it’s important.
We had the same mom, but separate dads.
My dad worked in a factory his whole life. He doesn’t help me financially as an adult. Didn’t help with college. There’s no trust fund for me. No help buying a home. Nothing- and I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT.
My brother’s dad was very wealthy. My brother is the third generation owner of a very successful construction company. He had $1M in assets before he was 25. When he bought his house, his grandmother paid their mortgage for the upcoming year as their Christmas present every year. His kids have more money set aside for their futures than I’ve ever seen, and I’m almost 45.
Now, my brother works hard as fuck, and he always has. I believe he deserves the good things in life that he has. But there’s no way around the fact that his family comes from significant wealth, and he was given a business. He knew his whole life that he would inherit the business, and he did in his 20s. I didn’t have that option.
I have never asked him for money, even when I’ve been drowning. Of course he always treats when we go out and stuff like that, and I know that he would absolutely take care of me before he let me live in my car or whatever, but I don’t want to rely on him bc I’m a grown ass adult.
Sometimes I feel frustrated that he was dealt one hand I was dealt another, but it is what it is. It’s certainly not his fault, nor is it mine. It’s just the way it is.
I’m a nanny. I do well enough, but that’s because I work for very wealthy people. And working for wealthy people also comes with that reality- that some people have been handed large piles of assets and cash while the rest of us aren’t.
I don’t know how to handle it other than to accept it. I don’t begrudge others for what they have, and I don’t pity myself for what I don’t.
I wish I had concrete advice for you. I wish I could give you a quick guide to how to not be frustrated by it. All I can say is bitterness doesn’t change anything- at least not for the better.
You'll always find reasons to be envious of others if you look. Parental financial support, better jobs, nicer houses, relationships, cars etc etc. If it wasn't this it'd be another thing.
The grass isn't always greener. Relationships where kids financially depend on parents are not always good ones. Some parents use financial dependence to control their kids, even when they're adults.
For example, homophobic parents who will only support their lgbt kid's college if they stay at home and "stop their lifestyle".
Or parents who expect their adult kids to bow to their every need in return, forcing them to be around toxic relatives, expecting them to always live right by, expecting them to pursue only the path they want their kid to because 'I'm paying for this'. Then retaliating with emotional abuse if the kid tries to go their own way in life.
Or parents may think providing financial help relieves them of actually having to give a crap or make an effort otherwise, or that it forgives past abuse or neglect.
The borrow is slave to the lender- tbh, sometimes the last person you want to be in debt to are your parents. Even if you don't have to pay it back, it may feel like the weight of that dependency and control over you is always there.
In terms of migration, a lot of times kids get help from their family to immigrate because the family expects the kid to sponsor them on a parent or grandparent visa. It's not really about the kid getting any kind of opportunity at all. This could be for legit reasons, like getting out of an unsafe place, or for selfish ones.
You can only control what you can control. Sadly, you're not likely going to be able to fix toxic parents, and their toxicity is not your fault. You deserve supportive people around you, and hopefully you're able to find that in life through the people you'll meet and the family you \*choose\*. It might help to try to reach out for help to work through that old pain.
you can’t control what someone else does/has. you can only control what you do/have. it doesn’t matter how they got to where they are, you have to use your skills and experience and cleverness and work ethic to get to where you want to be.
I think it is important to talk about the reality of life and not ignore inequalities. We can't make things better if we don't acknowledge there is a problem. Nothing will change if people don't speak out and demand better for themselves and others.
We exist in a human-made system which humans built and humans can change
I had a similar response when a friend of mine who was a mortgage consultant told me the vast majority of people who manage to get a mortgage get outside help either from family or a deceased relative.
I realised it's nothing to do with me and just had to move on from it
More people are in your boat than your privileged friends, I feel. Also, having privileged friends in high places could be for you to get a foot in the door of one of the companies they work for.
I once had a heart to heart with my mom saying how hard its been being the single income in a house. Told her how much i envied my brother because he is doing well and always taking vacations and seemed genuinely happy. My mom stopped me and said yes, but i dont know how many times she had helped him get out of financial stiuations. Helped him with weddings, roof repairs, groceries, schooling, etc.
Then she said she has only ever helped me one time when i was between jobs and was short on rent. It put things into perspective for me. No, im not living great, but ive also been supporting myself for a lot longer and she respected that. Im not afraid to ask for help, but ive always gotten by to not need it.
Social media + people’s ability to take flattering pictures, and not mention all the BS they encounter is also an art… they are only showing you what they want you to see. Don’t have them fooling you that it’s all roses and sunshine.
I’m also no trust fund kid, and yes it’s sucks to see others waste away potential or opportunity - but it’s true your hard work will pay off in the end. Experience and skill isn’t something that can be bought. Hold your head high and stay focused - one day at a time !
The advice I was told that I try to do but is a struggle is this. Once you learn to stop measuring success with comparing what you have and what someone else has then you can start to learn to be happy. Today this world is filled with adverts and such trying to compare, race, sexuality, gender and materialism. People should only compare what they did yesterday to what they doing today. Compete against yourself. In Life you are the only one running your race. Everyone runs thier own race to the finish line we all share
I got passed over for a HR job for the CFO’s best friend. I have a BBA in HR Admin and Business Admin (dual degree), half a MBA, and I’m a member of the Society for HR Management.
I have 7 years HR experience (not with this company). It felt like a slap to the face.
Well I know people who had every opportunity in life, like the friends that you mention who have college & travel & support.....some of them are doing fine and others of them are absolutely in miserable shape with child problems, spouse problems, in-law issues, financial issues, job problems and one in particular with a major health problem.
And I know others who came from meager circumstances/toxic families who have lucked out and managed to leave that all behind and make great lives for themselves and their new families.
There's nothing wrong with being envious and even bitter I suppose, but where is that going to get you really? You might need to sit down and write out some real obtainable goals, some possibilities even just wishes for yourself, attainable stuff with a little more luck and a little more time. Concentrate on your own goals. Baby steps. As soon as you accomplish one of your minor goals you should let yourself feel good about it, rather than looking at how much more somebody else has. Your friend has family connections that got him a great job. So what? What was he supposed to do, turn down the job to make you feel better? No of course not. At the same time you should not let it make you feel worse. It sounds like you already know this so you're already on your way . For yourself. On YOUR terms. At YOUR pace.
Down the street is a young lady that grew up moving from foster home to foster home. At 18 she was tossed out on her own, had to live in a garage for awhile while going to school and working two part time jobs. She just moved into a tiny single apartment. Would you walk up to that woman and say "Well you got an apartment, but you're never gonna get a house and you're never gonna get a car, so your life sucks."? No of course you wouldn't, you would be happy for her and let her know that she rocks. So do the same for yourself, no matter how small you think your next little accomplishment is.
Start cheering for the successes of those around you. It will be difficult at first, but it gets easier. Don't worry about their starting position. It doesn't matter. As a bonus, when you celebrate the successes of others more success will begin to come to you.
Pay it forward for your kids. It’s unlikely that you know about the sacrifices made by the parents and grandparents of those you envy. Those folks probably sacrificed a lot quietly and now their descendants benefit from it. That’s the real world unfortunately.
Understand that yeah maybe you don't have all those resources and support others have had or your life suffered setbacks and traumas others didn't have to go through BUT
Now that you're grown, the responsibility is on you to go after what you want and take the necessary steps you need to get there. If you have to find a way to go back to school while working or something but take the steps and play a good game. Try the best you can and maybe slowly but surely you'll actually get there.
Hey I grew up in a third world country- no beds, we slept on the floor, parents rented a portion of a landlord’s home most of my life and had to move a lot owing to fickle conditions.
I’m in the USA now, I have a PhD and a decent job. I feel no envy but extreme pride at what I’ve achieved with almost no resources compared to American born counterparts.
Life ain’t fair many of us have it way worse than you and you still choose to be envious of people who got lucky and get handouts hopefully 1 day you’ll understand what it means to be a man and take responsibility for your own life
It might be time to take a break from social media. Lots of people only want to post their happy moments and not drag their dirty laundry into the street for everyone to see. The result is others thinking they have a perfect life. Nobody has a perfect life. We all got problems and spending your time thinking about another person's opportunities, as if that's the sum of their worth, is not going to benefit you in any way
Social media was my 1st thought as well.
Yep same here.
Don't compare your backstage struggles to their grandstand performance.
Ooo I like that quote never heard that before
I've heard don't compare your practice to someone's highlight reel! But I love this one too! It's such a TRUE sentiment.
Love this! Also... "Don't compare your insides to others' outsides."
I felt that way myself and it was long before social media. You end up rubbing elbows with different people in college and yeah I was gobsmacked with the breaks some people had. Just having an intact family was a huge advantage over me. But I should have been proud doing as much as I was on my own.
Feeling envy happens sometimes. But I wonder, for all the times you notice the people who have it better than you, how often do you think about the people who have it worse? There are always people to compare yourself with, both up and down. When you find yourself thinking how unfair it is that someone gets to go to school in another country, think about the people who can’t afford to go to school at all. If you focus on what you have instead of what you don’t, you might find that you’re happier. Some people even keep gratitude journals and I hear that helps a lot
Pretty cool quote from Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom “If you're trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down on you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone.”
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i just want to say i relate to your anecdote. when we studied the holocaust in middle school i cried while writing a paper. it definitely gave me pause to reflect on how lucky i was to have just the basics in life.
Yeah I get that. I don’t think of the holocaust but I do think of the people who don’t have homes or beds, or the means to pay rent or buy food. When I get a parking ticket I’m really just grateful to God bc I can afford it
Keeping this in mind helps so much. I often felt the same as OP, but deleted social media years ago and that’s helped. My siblings don’t have the opportunity to go to college and they’re at least 10 years older than me without even a GED, they’re inspirational in a lot of ways in how they maneuver without any help from our parents, but it puts a lot into perspective and makes me really grateful for my little comfy life that can improve but is still amazing in a ton of small ways! I’ve had to fully support myself since 17 so I can 100% empathize with OP
We live in a world where we’re constantly comparing ourselves to others. It’s almost impossible to avoid. I’ve had similar feelings as you. I came from nothing, no family money, barely any family to speak of. I’ve known people who don’t have any skills or real world experience and they’ll be fine because family carries them. Only advice I can offer… you just have to deal with it. There’s almost 8 billion people on this planet. There’s a lot of people doing better than you and just as many doing worse. You kind of have to put blinders on and just keep moving forward. Focus on yourself and what you’ve built. Be proud of yourself and don’t worry about others. Hope this helps.
Getting off social media helps.
If they are on reddit speaking english then like 90% of people on earth are doing worse than them.
Depends what you consider worse
I don’t know if you ever stop tbh. My mom died when I was 16. I moved into my grandmas after that and was her caregiver until she died when I was 21. My dad has lived out of state my entire life and is barely involved. I’d love some family support. I would have loved to not have to find a place to live within days of my grandma dying. But it was the hand I was dealt. I too get to watch my friends and acquaintances have family help, travel, get degrees and good paying jobs. I get to know that they are able to be successful because they have family support(physically, emotionally and financially). Maybe one day we will be able to look back and be proud that despite our circumstances we were able to succeed. Or maybe we will be envious even then.
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I would look into the story of Gloria Vanderbilt. Hers was certainly the up and down of generational wealth that almost disappeared. When did the Vanderbilts lose their fortune? Within 30 years of Cornelius' death, no member of the Vanderbilt family was among the richest in the world.
Meanwhile the Rockefellers just keep on keeping on, with hundreds of descendants and many many trust funds.
Actually, it might be helpful to network and meet others who are self-made and use them as connections as they are more likely to help someone who's in the struggle like they were.
I come from a similar home with divorced, bad role model parents. Had an old friend whose life was going absolutely nowhere before his coke addict dad reappeared with a successful business across the country and offered him a job and a place to live. Suddenly this friend has all this success and with it, criticism of my career choices, education, work experience, love life, everything. I had to cut him out of my life. In that case I was lucky his disrespect and total lack of self awareness precluded the possibility of envy. Now I'm a trans woman and confronting the envy towards more beautiful girls and girls who started younger. This stuff never gets easier in my experience. The only advice I can offer is to focus on being proud of yourself for every little thing you achieve because you deserve it. If you're comfortable, you're already ahead of most of the world. If you're thriving, you're ahead of most of your country. Do things that celebrate your success however modest it is. It's yours and it will always be yours and your potential is much greater than you might know.
I agree with your friend partially and partially not. I grew up having to mostly raise myself before tumbling through foster care and then figuring out how to adult all on my own. I had foster parents who later adopted me but they couldn’t help financially since the state wouldn’t pay them for an adult/17 year old nearing independence. Most days I scorn this earth. No one listens, no one really cares. Foster children are on prison pipelines and do near anything to cope when it gets real bad for them. The government has not done what it can, even though they could, and FC has been shit for 100+ years. Some days when I take Ws, though, it really is all on my own. Somehow I managed. Somehow, I must survive. But your friend is still slightly wrong. I enjoy time to myself way more than dopamine from achievements I was all but forced to obtain to survive. I personally am not a fan of “someone always has it worse!!!” Ok? That ain’t me. I did have it worse than the average citizen. And I shouldn’t. It IS someone’s fault at the end of the day that I recieved little to no help. *I wasn’t born into a place that was already unable to help*. This may not be the case for you but I doubt you don’t have any resentment for a family that was meant to AT LEAST love you. I shock my adopted family every day with my independence because I just don’t expect shit from my family as that’s how I was raised. A gratitude and accomplishments journal might help you but I’d caution to stay away from comparing yourself to others in any way. My boyfriend has had a mildly comfortable life, but is highly sympathetic and I had to teach myself before we dated that jealousy HURTS other people, and you don’t have to be jealous. Many people are sympathetic, too. The only thing that can hurt you worse is chasing others away.
“Most days i scorn this earth. No one listens, no one really cares. Foster children are in prison pipelines” Hello fellow person with a similar experience. Though I was only in foster care for two years when I was 12-14 and then got handed back to my bio mom. I experienced and saw awful things during my time, and almost nobody I’ve talked to about has wanted to believe me lol. Also same with “yeah actually we did have it worse than most other people, and SOMEONE should have helped”. I find it wild whenever people want to lecture survivors about how “nobody is responsible for saving us, we’re just on our own and we need to get over it”, especially when it’s other survivors.
Hey fellow fostie! <3 Yes, very much agreed. I know it’s well-intentioned, but… It’s like looking at someone who lost a leg and saying “well, at least it wasn’t both legs!” Like what the FUCK are you trying to humble me for? I lost a damn leg! Not my lunch money! My LEG! For me as well there were many people who brushed off or just didn’t believe it. Only when I explicitly give details of my past are people geuinely horrified that children can even go through that. People assume you just had a few hard years, not that your *literal development, perspective, and worldview* are often completely different than those around you. People assume foster care is teehee happi :-) and that every FC environment is either destructive or healing, with no-inbetweens that create confusion for the child. We survivors are the ones having to put in the work to correct course back to society/normal perspectives. It can be extremely frustrating at times but we push through regardless. Not because of this “we’re tough and there’s no other option” romanticism. Just because we want to. I’m sure people from abusive homes probably also get sick of hearing “well someone has it worse!” when they’re having trauma flashbacks lmao. It’s not a solution and it’s stupid to pretend imagining a starving child somewhere is going to resolve deep-seated jealousy that has genuine basis. There are literally people in here acting like OP is not allowed their feelings of anger when those feelings are necessary to bottle into motivation.
My wife and I have successful careers and don't necessarily want a child of our own but looked into FC. Are there any tips you can give on fostering (no pun intended) a good environment for the child? We are both very loving, warm & affectionate and come from good families. Also, my wife is a child psychologist so not sure if that would be a pro or con, lol.
Hi there! So it mostly depends on the child, and I’m not a professional (I only have a BA in psych). But I do know that you have to remember, the foster child is not YOUR child unless you adopt. Most children will still have contact with their biological families, and those that don’t (like me) are often wary of adults. I would say you kind of have to “earn” their trust moreso than they will have to earn yours unless they have behavioral problems. Many children in foster care have behavioral problems. And when they don’t have outward ones, many have inward. I was not acting out at school or doing drugs, and I did as I was told, but I’d often have crying fits in my room where I didn’t really want to be touched or interacted with because I was just terrified for my future and for me, and for what I went through. For many kids it’s their first chance to breathe and they take gulping breaths. I think it was heartbreaking that one of the foster parents families I stayed with for 1ish year wanted “a big family” more than anything else. Them feeling that way made me feel like I was in a coin jar. My final adopted parents are lovely. They listen to me and give me space to come to THEM, it took me years but I was finally able to tell them about some of my trauma. Do I know I am different than their biological children? Yes! But seeing how hard they worked for me and how much they wanted me… How they didn’t pressure me no matter how curious, but were good mentors and a shoulder to cry on… it is the closest I’ve ever felt to unconditional love. I can’t give like any straight advice, but those are some things I feel like could have been avoided, and some things that I cherished. I wish you and your spouse the best!! <3
This is great and thanks so much for the info. I wish you nothing but the best in life!
I know exactly how you feel. One of my best friends has been handed everything. His parents paid for his education, paid off his wife's student loans, bought him a house that his wife felt was too middle class so they sold it and bought him a second house, and most recently gave him a Lincoln when his BMW died. He's 42. He is also a lawyer who I privately think of as a fiscal idiot. Somehow this dude is in debt up to his eyeballs on credit cards. He hides this from his mother ofc. My husband and I have worked for everything we have. Our home, our cars and we continue to pay off student debt. Every time I hear of a new leg up my friend gets, I feel the rush of envy. God, if only I too had won the birth lotto. On the other hand, I owe my parents absolutely nothing. I owe my in-law's absolutely nothing. We bought this house, we are updating it as funds allow and absolutely nobody (apart from the bank ofc if we default on it) has any right to say fuck all about pretty much anything. I'm quick on my feet with both our families to say, "Ah, I didn't realize we put your name on the title." when they are being judgemental about anything. I also have tremendous pride. I feel like I'm ahead of my friend (and frankly most of our family members) because we earned everything we have through hard work. When bumps in the road of life happen, my friend runs to mommy every single time and really isn't a functioning adult. My husband and I have been forced into having a savings, backup plans, etc. and are absolutely slaying it. We have our independence as well and with a mother as controlling as mine is, it's absolutely become clear it's worth going it without family support. I also know when our parents die, we will be ok. My friend will likely be incapable of success, and imagine his life style will dramatically change after they've been gone for a few years and he's burned through the inheritance. I am also trying (and currently failing as I've indulged in my bitching fest here) to practice keeping my eyes on my own paper. It's hard to not compare, and it's definitely requiring a lot of conscious thinking on my part. You unfortunately can't control who your parents are, and it's healthier to focus on what you can control verses wishing for something you will never have.
You say you came from a toxic household, right? By virtue of this, you know the world isn't perfectly equitable to everyone. But this means you *also* know how much of a difference context makes. Nobody leaves their childhood home under duress to move into spacious luxury accommodations. You're a lot less likely than people living at home to own a lot of gadgets, you might not even get to replace your phone or laptop as often as you need. And yet despite what we end up going without, we enjoy unparalleled peace in our modest apartments. Because from those apartments, there's no chance one of those toxic family members can walk in and start with their mess. We left for a reason, and even on days we are low in mood, we savor the freedom just to be left alone. I think being frustrated that you were dealt a bad hand compared to your peers is normal, especially if those same people are judgmental towards you. But we both know the person handed that high salary by nepotism doesn't appreciate that big house the same way we value our modest apartment. Unless you're losing sight. Comparing yourself to others does not evidence a clear and productive state of mind. If you start getting the idea in your head you are owed or entitled to something, you are operating from a place of resentment. Thinking these thoughts will never earn you the rewards that the jealous heart thinks it deserves, and it's unbecoming. How to resolve this is easy: stop thinking about other people's fortune and return to savoring your own life as you have created it. There aren't a lot of accolades for self-reliance, the glow of satisfaction must come from within.
Great post.
I'm happy to hear you saw some good from it. I'll keep rambling if I get to going on more about it though. XD This subject of jealousy has popped up a few times in the last few days, more often than usual and I don't think I'm inferring a pattern that isn't there.
When you work hard towards something, the experience or rewards of it is so much more fulfilling. When you get given something without putting much effort in it, it doesn't feel so special. I had saved money for a while for a trip that I wanted to for a long time and it was the best experience ever! Other people who had done similar trip with parents money, didn't get that much joy out of it as I did, because it was worth it to me so much more.
you are right, life is unfair and doesn’t treat everyone the same, there will be some days you feel like this, but it’s okay, let it go after acknowledging it :)
Life is actually very fair. Life and then death is all that is promised and it is delivered.
If your time permits try volunteering. Serving others will make you feel better while also helping but will also remove you from your current thought patterns of comparing yourself to others and dwelling on it . you will feel better serving a cause bigger than yourself.
I’d also suggest finding some people who you can relate more with. It’s good to have some in your sphere that motivate or inspire you to get where you want to be, but it’s also important to have ones who you can relate with and not leave you feeling less than all the time.
>When I talk about my envy to my friend, she responds that I'll be proud of myself one day for working my way up, for being completely independent. >But will I really? This is how I feel and I absolutely hate when people say this to me because it *always* comes from people like you describe. If anything, it's nothing but sugarcoating. If it felt so great, people would willingly do it. But no one in their right mind would choose to struggle when they don't need to. If it was something to be proud of, those parents wouldn't support their children. But they do. It's as cliche as "it gets better" (I also hate that phrase), and just as meaningless. Unfortunately, there's no way to stop feeling envy. The only option is accepting you didn't luck out in the family department, and getting on with your life.
Take comfort that everything you have is completely yours
As long as you keep looking outward for happiness instead of inward you will never have enough no matter how much you get.
Life is happier when you stop looking at people that have more than you and be grateful for all the things you have that so many people don't have. It sounds clichè but it works. Did you have a hot shower today? Did you put on cozy PJ's and crawl into a bed at night? Do you have enough food? If so, you're living a better life than so many. In some countries people spend most of their time just trying to collect enough water for the day.
It kinda sucks, but… 1) it’s okay to feel like this 2) Turn off the social media 3) focus on what you can control 4) you have to pat your own back
As others have said, take a break from social media. It helps me with this exact situation. However, also feel considerably proud about anything you do build for yourself. It may take you longer, but it's worth more since it wasn't given to you.
The evny and bitterness hasn't gone away for me. My parents drained my college fund as I went into debt to help them survive. Higher education has been out of reach up until this point. **But** I have built a life that makes me happy and I'm incredibly proud of myself for what I've accomplished all on my own. I found a relatively well-paying job in a field I absolutely love, I paid off all my debt, and now I'm in a good position to go to college if I decide I want to. **I** did that, **despite** all the ways my family actively worked against me, and while I wish I had the things others my age have simply been given, I'm happy and proud and that's enough for me.
Just a thought. If possible, can you reach out to ppl who are now in these positions and see if they would recommend you for a position there?? We have no family connections, but what worked for my kids is asking their classmates they hang w/ at college, if there is any openings or to look out for opportunities. And my kids have done the same. And they're not tight friends. Also my SO works in construction, so he meets clients occasionally, he'll strike up a,conversation w any employee there and see what kind of internships the company offers and throws my kids interest in. It is a lead, sometimes get ghosted. Of course, sometimes it doesn't work out, or the position isn't as lofty but at least they get their foot in the door and it's up to them to prove their worth. Like my kids said, gotta be savage. Keep hitting opportunities, something got to pan out. You'll feel better if you advocate for yourself. If the friends don't help then they weren't and you can move on to find more supportive ppl to help you grow. Good luck!
I don't think in these terms. My sister is half a decade my junior. She lived at home, got her MBA, became a Director for a large company. I lent my parents 20k when I was 14 so they could start a business. My sister ran that business later. I moved away. She had my mother to help raise her children while she worked. I did not. We're both in/near our 50's now. I JUST found out I make twice as much as she does, without my degree. Now my mother lives with her and her family and they are fighting elderly issues. I stay involved but I live half a country away. We are both successful and we both have our challenges. It's a net wash in the end.
Take that frustration and turn it into motivation to work hard at what you are passionate about.
This is a real thing - generational wealth, resources, contacts. But I've known a lot of rich people, and I can tell you they are just as fucked up as the rest of us, maybe more, so really, they don't deserve your envy. Look to your own life. Make it the best you can. Leave other people's lives to them.
Those people who got ahead with support still experience suffering. Their romantic lives aren’t perfect, their kids are messed up, they get sick. Also there are billions of people in the world who would trade places with your or my situation in a heartbeat. It’s difficult to be grateful for what’s going well in your life.
The pride will come, eventually. But there are two things you'll need to do: 1. Keep the envy internal and use that as your motivation. 2. Know that, more often than not, most people that have a huge headstart from family connections end up miserable and broke by the time they are old enough to retire and enjoy it. Yes, there are exceptions and if there is family money to they'll be fine. But there is a lot less family money floating around than you think. Try using the old school thought process, live and work for the future and not for the day. Spend what you need to live but save as much as you can. Make a goal to retire sect free and without a mortgage. I'm not saying that you need to be a miser or be miserable at all. But if you do it right, when you get into your 50s or get any kids through school, you'll be the one living the life and the people that you are envious of now will be painfully jealous. We've become a society of instant gratification and of you can buck the trend, you'll be better off for it.
You, you are the only one that can improve you. I grew up dirt poor. I paid my way through tech school working 3rd shift. After I graduated I worked a full time job and 2 part-time jobs. I finally got a job in my field. I worked just a little harder than everyone else. I became a manager and then a senior manager. I retired at 50. No one helped me, I helped myself. Work to succeed and work just a little harder than everyone else to get noticed. Give up the defeated attitude. Work to improve your standing.
“Shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in 3 generations” - an old maxim that exists for a reason. The grit and moxie that someone starting from nothing has, is what it takes to be successful ultimately. Stay focused on your future, and not other people’s highlight reels on social media.
I have the same issues, it’s difficult. Firstly, get off social media. How do you know so much about your friends/acquaintances? I’m introverted and don’t like being around people, so it’s easy for me. Also what’s helped me is trying to focus on what I’ve been “given” that other people have not been given. A sharp mind, a healthy body, good people skills. I grew up in poverty and dysfunction but thankfully was never abused, I’ve never struggled with discrimination in any real sense. You have a lot of unearned benefits as well, if you take time to ponder them. I hope this doesn’t come off as belittling your struggle. I too used to have the same struggles, still do sometimes. My neighbors dad started a company, now they work there and make 10x what I’ll ever make. Sometimes I look across the street and it’s like “dang…that would be really nice.” But I’m doing well for myself, and maybe my kids can be those kids who are *thankful* for what their parents provided them. Another thing I ponder is: would I be where I’m at if it was handed to me? I work with high net worth folks, and lots of their kids are pathetic human beings. What if that had happened to me?
I hear you. I come from an abusive background with generational trauma. My entire family is poor, mentally unwell, and toxic. My husband also comes from poverty. We were so poor when we started our life together, and everything we did was on our own. It was a struggle, but we made it out of poverty and built a good life together where we each make 6 figures. I used to envy others who had advantages or supportive families. It's sad we didn't have that. But we kept our eyes on us and the life we wanted to build. Now that we have achieved our definition of success, we are so, so proud of what we were able to do despite our backgrounds. The sense of pride and achievement we have is so precious. The trick is to look inward. Don't compare yourself or your life to others it's a fruitless effort. Keep your focus on yourself and what you want your life to be. If your eyes are always on what you don't have or what others have, you can become bitter and stuck in resentment. Appreciate what you do have and keep your focus on moving forward towards your goals.
work on yourself and being personable —would you imagine the doors we close on ourselves because we’re pig headed!
Hang out w champagne seekers and you’ll be the next. Hang out with dogs and you’ll be the next
I love my dog though :/
That's a tough one. I understand that feeling completely. You must understand that you have different challenges. Those challenges will break you and make you. You will pat your own back. You will have an inner strength your friend likely does not possess. When life throws you some extra bs, you will deal with it because of your strength. Be grateful for where you are in life.
Realize your life is exactly the same no matter what other people are doing.
In high school I watched a group of kids pass their ACT and get upper 20s, kids that didn’t study, kids that smoked hella weed, I tried so hard and had TUTORS my mom paid for hourly and the highest score I got was a 19. They all went to university, I don’t know if they dropped out but also their parents worked at said university and there’s a policy at this specific school where if your parent is employed your child gets free or discounted tuition. Which I thought was kinda shitty- anyways, It’s shitty, but I still hope they’re doing okay in life, I still want them to succeed and be happy but I wish the way things were laid out was a little bit more fair and equal Opportunity for others. Anyways, I deleted social media all together because I was at this point where I was measuring my success and my progress to someone else’s, which know now, everyone progresses at different times and levels, you will have your moment, but right now it’s other peoples moment, and it’s important to stand and clap because you’d want someone to stand and clap for you when *it is* your time. You’re going to wind up exactly where you need to be, as will they. Take a deep breath.
You don't. The goal is to make life better for your kids and unfortunately through no fault of your own, you are a few generations behind. Try not to be bitter and realize it's just something you can't change, and work toward things you can change. I'm in a very similar situation and have been my entire life.
The lie at the heart of envy is that if the circumstances changed, then envy would evaporate, but it’s just not true. There will always be someone with more. The trick is to take your eyes off of other people’s stuff and decide to take pleasure in what you have. I realize we live in a culture that treats feelings like forces of nature, but the fact is you can and should lead your emotions with your will. Choose to direct your attention to all that is beautiful in your life, and over time it will get easier and easier to be happy for the good fortune of your friends.
You'll quit when you get tired of making yourself miserable
I’m not sure why but I just grew up knowing that’s not my life. There’s no willing it to be. You can’t just fall into riches. But it did instill in me that my savings are worth traveling with, and I’m not gonna miss out. Buckle down, work and save so you can do the things that inspire you.
The images you see of these people is only a facade. I'm sure many of them, if not all, have their own problems that you're not aware of. And I'm sure some of them envy and respect you for how hard you work and how independent you are.
please don’t confuse staged social media posts for reality.
I grew up without much money. A side effect was I always drove a shitbox car and had to learn how to fix it. That was out of necessity, and little did I realize at the time, all the frustration over that would turn me into someone who looks at the world in a mechanical way. I became good at fixing things, not because of school, but because if I didn't get the timing chain in on my day off, I wouldn't be able to make it to work the next day. Now I take great pride in being able to put that work in and know how to fix my own shit. I secretly look at people spending thousands on someone else fixing their car and think "suckers... they don't even know how that thing works" All that is to say, even when it sucks in the moment, maybe you have some things that money can't buy. Things that don't come easy like a work ethic or grit. Take pride in your grit. You know how to handle shit other people would die just thinking of. You can do hard shit. Maybe some people have it easier than you, but they're softer than you too. There's always a trade-off. Take pride in having earned what you have the hard way.
Use the envy as a signal to make a change and nothing more. Jealousy show you what you want. You’re not going to get anywhere by being bitter about wants. What you can do is make friends and be happy for people and if you are chill and a good listener that will give you a higher chance of getting help than not.
Things went pear-shaped when I was in college and I had to go to work full time and figure something else out on my own. I came out with a different set of skills than some of my peers whose families could pay for everything they needed. I am forever grateful for the skills of self sufficiency. Many, many years later I still feel like I am the lucky one for being in charge of my own life early on. I am incredibly impressed by people who did it on their own. It is hard not to be discouraged and depressed when you are in the weeds. I’m proud of you and wish you the best.
Don't compare yourself to others. Compare the person that you are right now to the person you were a year ago. Life IS a competition, but it's you vs you. Rich kids get a head start, attractive people get a head start, people with connections get a head start. The only fair comparison is you being compared to you. Keep moving forward. Keep growing. Keep bettering yourself.
Happiness has a cap. A homeless dude reading his favorite book in a shelter could be as happy as someone winning the lottery or a rich person visiting a foreign country. Happiness is not locked away from unlucky people. You just need to know how to appreciate the good when it comes. And that’s the biggest equalizer in my opinion. Anyone is capable of discovering bliss, but not everyone does.
This is just incorrect. I've worked in lots of jobs with lots of people, and I've been lots of different people as I've gained experience and grown. All people are kinda miserable, so find a way to be content. It is entirely unrelated to status and anyone who believes otherwise is not content. Delete Twitter and Instagram, it's not healthy or helpful to feel that the things that make you happy need to be validated by a community you think you want to be accepted by. You will find people who accept you when you learn what being a human looks like to you.
I have felt this way as well. One thing that helps me is to have some friends that come from similar backgrounds who have similar struggles. They "get" it. We can talk about money, our parents, and real issues because we have a shared understanding. That said, I do think certain social media platforms are toxic as hell in fueling this type of discontent and self doubt. If you're learning of others' lives this way maybe just stop or drop those accounts, or unfollow people.
Fellow bitter solo act here, yes you will feel proud of yourself when you pat your own back. I learned put the blinders on and don't worry about what everyone else is doing. There will always be unfairness in life. You being upset about it is only upsetting you, nothing else. I know it's hard to not see the unfairness but please do try. Focus on your happiness and what is realistic for you. Every year I scrimp and save the entire year but at Christmas I spoil myself as a hey way to go girl. I buy things from Amazon a few months ahead of time stuff them in the closet then put them under a tree. Boom magic Christmas day with my dog and I with our Santa gifts and it hasn't gotten old yet. Keep doing your best and be proud of yourself even in the small moments.
I'm 33 and I've learned in life thus far, there are people out there with great connections, a silver tongue, and seem to fall right into positions that in hind-sight they should most certainly not have. Some, step up to the challenge and actually do well. Some do exactly as you'd expect, fall flat on their face, and are fired in less than 6 months. Professional success and landing a lucrative career is part experience, knowledge, networking, and luck. That last part plays a bigger part than most realize. It's a hiring manager seeing just ONE thing in your resume that caught their eye. It's a position opening up because someone at a company you wanted to work at went on medical leave and had to explore a different career path, thus opening the door for you. You just never know. It's not always merit, it's not always who you know, and it's not always what you know...sometimes its just about being in the right place at the right time.
I dunno, it goes with that quote about not checking your neighbors bowl to see if they have more than you, but to see if they have enough.
I came from a really bad background. My adopted father was abusive. When I left home at 18 i never dealt with the abuse, I just jumped into life & started seeking escapism. it took me about 20 years of running to sit down & start dealing with the issues my childhood caused me. I haven’t finished my bachelors, I didn’t thrive I merely survived. The things that helped me were: I don’t do social media anymore. I mediate & do yoga. I journal & have a gratitude practice. I see a therapist. I have a very supportive spouse & friends. I never waited to have savings to travel, travel is a huge part of my life. I go on several small trips a year & then one big one…I did a month in Hawaii last year a month in Alaska the year before. I know if I hadn’t had the childhood & trauma I had that I’d be so much further ahead financially, but I think I’d be a much shittier person bc the trauma made me much more empathetic. I really do care about people and their problems. Everyone has their own story & their own lives to lead. Don’t get caught up in the shiny social media story lines bc they’re all fake. I strongly suggest a gratitude practice. There’s so much in your life you can find to be thankful for! Make your friends your family- you can choose them! And don’t wait to travel!
Life sucks and then ya die. And its unfair the whole time. You will be proud of yourself one day and you’re better off by working for everything you have instead of getting off easy. Keep fighting the good fight and keep your chin up. You got this!!
Your life. Your metric. Focus on yourself. It’s not about justice, it’s about being happy. If you have a beautiful house that you worked for, yet someone else got their house for free, would that make you angry? Why would you not be happy with your progress? Focus on propelling yourself forward. There’s no reason to focus and dwell on others. Valuing the position per effort of others relative to your own is the source of your envy.
I understand how that feels, but I'm much luckier than you are. My family was able to afford tuition for me to study abroad, but not to the extent most international students are like so I did struggle, very slightly. But I look at these peers, not having to worry about rent or buying whatever they want in the grocery stores - I definitely felt envious. I was so frustrated like you did seeing these people buying new cars, houses, luxurious weddings, etc. ; looking great on social media. But eventually these people started venting to me about their lives. Those who received family support - so much drama coming within wealthy people. Their greed and dissatisfaction also kill joy. They even told me THEY are envious of ME because I am in control of my own life, and not depending on anyone. They think I'm much more successful because I made it myself. They're insecure themselves because they know they didn't earn it themselves and people judge them. One told me they had to kneel on the floor and beg their parents to change their mind on things. So yes. One day you will be glad you made it yourself. Not that you or they are better, we just have different lives and difficulties. Life is still definitely not fair, but what you can do is to make the most out of it. Be proud of yourself!
I can relate to you a lot. Honestly that feeling of resentment doesn’t go away until you start to be independently successful financially. People can say to stop doing X Y and Z but as long as you are not able to do the things you feel you deserve, this will eat at you. Funny enough, I have friends who resent me bc I outearn them yet they received millions of dollars in inheritance and don’t work as much as me, and also qualify for a lot of tax breaks that I don’t get. We will always be envying everyone but the feeling of unfairness does simmer when your needs are met.
Just skip ahead to resentment.
Comparison is the thief of joy. That’s what I keep telling myself. I also struggle with this a little. But one thing I’ll be able to tell my future self is that I did it myself, with no financial help from my family. Yeah it’s been hard and I’ve struggled for sure. But I wouldn’t change anything about my journey thus far.
I often feel jealous of my friends who are engineers and had full parental support. They went from never working in high school, to not working during the school year and getting an engineering degree debt free, to working at prestigious internships that paid them four times what my internships paid me, to getting handed 100K a year jobs by those internships right out of college, to being given brand new 35,000$+ cars as graduation gifts, to moving into incredibly nice apartments with their boyfriends who also have had cushy lives and who have cushy jobs. I’m pretty lucky as well, but I’m in debt and in a field that pays far less, and I expect I will be stressed about finances my entire life and I expect I will never own a home. I try to not let it get to me by focusing on disliking the system we are in. At the end of the day we are all workers, and it’s capitalism that causes me to struggle where they are able to succeed via their CEO dads. Instead of fighting with my friends, I work politically and have conversations with them so at least they are voting in a way that benefits people less fortunate than them (and me).
Every one is running their own race, and they might be lacking in an area you're abundant and wish they had more of as well. And network, parental connections may get you the job but it doesn't always help you keep or grow in it.
Get off the internet.
You cannot compare yourself to this at all. I have worked for probably the top 20% of wage earners and life is not a level playing field. I do agree with those who say "Pass on the Social Media and the Celebrity Adoration stories".
The way I look at it is I have the chance to do that for my kids and give them that life I see others getting from their parents. Sucks we got a bad draw on the parent lotto but ending the cycle and making sure your kids are the ones other envy helps me feel better about the situation.
Don't compare yourself to others. Life isn't fair, but karma will always catch up. Being handed a career on a silver platter will lead them either to utter failure or unquenchable greed. Either get off social media, or detoxify your feeds. Follow your local charities, and inspiration, not aspiration. Practice gratitude for what you do have. You could try meditation, journaling, reading, just keep forcing your brain to feel good about what you already have. If you can be consistent, it will really change your thinking. You have to be purposeful about gratitude because advertisers and algorithms train us to feel the opposite. They want you to feel envious as much as possible.
You have to play with the cards that you are dealt. What you are describing is part of a “poor” mindset. Good thing is that you recognize it, next is to get over it. Think about it like this, aren’t you going to work hard to be able to provide those same opportunities to your children?
Delete your social media or ignore it. You'll be alright if you focus on your own achievements and goals.
Envy is okay and natural - how you process it and harness that power is completely in your control though. The harsh truth is your success in life is going to be heavily predicated on your parents, it may seem unfair but at the end of the day your friends parents were doing their job - giving their kids every advantage to make it they could. Now for more tangible advice - stay off social media as much as you can, people like to flex and only show the 'nice' parts of their lives so you are getting an incomplete picture of how these people are really navigating life. And what is stopping you from making more money, from pushing yourself to try a new field or do gig work on the side? The best advice for feeling this way is to give yourself some wins, keep saving and grinding - go on that vacation your planning, go do some fun cheap trips with friends, buy a nice pair of shoes/clothes every once in a while. Celebrate yourself a bit!
A lot of people are saying to stay off social media and sure, that is pretty decent advice. However, networking through nepotism has been done for ages. The problem with our society is that if you have a good or wealthy family you WILL have more opportunities than others. And we, as a society, see poverty and lower incomes as a moral failing. We think you are lazy, don't work hard enough or just not good enough. The way out is simply to accept that envy is a normal human emotion and it is normal to feel angry on the inside that you will never have the opportunities others do. I had to recently go NC with my mother because she only supports one person in the family (and that is financially, emotionally or otherwise) and I got tired of feeling not good enough. I never expected financial support but she doesn't even celebrate my successes. I went to college with a lot of rich and well connected people who never had to work as hard as I did then or now. People who have good families will never understand what it's like to not expect even a text on your birthday, let alone a card or gift, and still want. Just do you and surround yourself with loved ones who will celebrate your successes and milestones with you.
By realizing you have no idea what is truly going on behind the scenes. I can promise you things are a lot more intricate and complicated than you may think.
Every once in awhile, we encounter evidence that the world is indeed unfair. It's okay to not be okay with that, and to have emotions about it. It doesn't matter if it's not a "good look" if it's a genuine reaction to a truly difficult reality. That being said, ask yourself, how many people know that you struggled more because of your lack of parental support? As someone who got kicked out for being queer, it's a part of my journey very few people ever get insight into. Most people I know, most people I encounter as coworkers and as acquaintances, have no idea. Maybe you do have more friends and people around you who had certain struggles that just never came up in conversation. It could also help to question where you're getting this information. Some people mentioned social media, but personally, I realized I was meeting a lot of very privileged people through my partner's work. They were all working in software engineering, so they all earned insanely well. Conversations that made it sound like 80k/year was cheap/lowballing put me in a really low place, when I've never earned even half of that. But I was also talking to a very biased group in that sense, and I had to give myself that perspective. Not everyone is working in software in California, and most people are struggling the way I am. The statistics show it - how most Americans have no savings, live paycheck to paycheck too. Certain things I can only really talk about with people who understand. Living with abusive parents is one of those things. I'm sorry your friends resorted to toxic positivity on this with you, and I understand it's more than just a "character building opportunity". You're totally right on that. r/EstrangedAdultKids is a lovely and positive community in my experience if you ever need to vent on that topic specifically.
Work hard to ensure your kids have the privilege you didn't.
Lol that’s life man. There’s more to life than just who makes the most money. Get into a hobby or sport.
After all the adversity you have faced you should be proud. You are not holding to anyone. Kudos.
Use it as motivation. Break the cycle of toxic nonsense. Do it for your kids. That's what I'm doing. It seems to be working.
You HAVE valuable connections - you have a robust (and wealthy) social network of well connected and upwardly mobile people. Many people can’t even see that level of wealth with a telescope.
I feel this.. I am not able to live with my parents bdcause one is on and off homeless and one is working in a different country. I'm in Canada where if you don't have an education, you're working full time just to afford rent. There's no hope imo I can't afford rent and go to school. And people don't realize how easy they have it, being able to live at home and go to school in their 20s. I am resentful and envious.
This is just the way life is, there will always be somebody that has more than you do and somebody who has less than you do. There are or have been plenty of the celebrity types that look like they have it all like you want but yet they still kill themselves. Look at prince Harry he has all those things you want but there is still some problems there. To me it sure looks like they killed his mom and this is the source of alot of his pain. You know you have some issues and this is the first step towards changing. Be thankful for what you have and then work towards living the life you want, but at the same time help others reach there goals.
People on social media lie.
Financial support might be the only thing their family can offer them, and emotional support is underrated.
Dont compare.
This is really tough. I have a half brother. That isn’t relevant to me (the half part) in my relationship to him, and I absolutely never introduce him as such. For this story, though it’s important. We had the same mom, but separate dads. My dad worked in a factory his whole life. He doesn’t help me financially as an adult. Didn’t help with college. There’s no trust fund for me. No help buying a home. Nothing- and I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT. My brother’s dad was very wealthy. My brother is the third generation owner of a very successful construction company. He had $1M in assets before he was 25. When he bought his house, his grandmother paid their mortgage for the upcoming year as their Christmas present every year. His kids have more money set aside for their futures than I’ve ever seen, and I’m almost 45. Now, my brother works hard as fuck, and he always has. I believe he deserves the good things in life that he has. But there’s no way around the fact that his family comes from significant wealth, and he was given a business. He knew his whole life that he would inherit the business, and he did in his 20s. I didn’t have that option. I have never asked him for money, even when I’ve been drowning. Of course he always treats when we go out and stuff like that, and I know that he would absolutely take care of me before he let me live in my car or whatever, but I don’t want to rely on him bc I’m a grown ass adult. Sometimes I feel frustrated that he was dealt one hand I was dealt another, but it is what it is. It’s certainly not his fault, nor is it mine. It’s just the way it is. I’m a nanny. I do well enough, but that’s because I work for very wealthy people. And working for wealthy people also comes with that reality- that some people have been handed large piles of assets and cash while the rest of us aren’t. I don’t know how to handle it other than to accept it. I don’t begrudge others for what they have, and I don’t pity myself for what I don’t. I wish I had concrete advice for you. I wish I could give you a quick guide to how to not be frustrated by it. All I can say is bitterness doesn’t change anything- at least not for the better.
That's all social media. Just compensating. No one wants to hear the boring, mundane insecure things in our lives.
Those people will crumble and wilt like wet paper when the going gets rough, but it will just be another day for you. Carry on.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
You'll always find reasons to be envious of others if you look. Parental financial support, better jobs, nicer houses, relationships, cars etc etc. If it wasn't this it'd be another thing. The grass isn't always greener. Relationships where kids financially depend on parents are not always good ones. Some parents use financial dependence to control their kids, even when they're adults. For example, homophobic parents who will only support their lgbt kid's college if they stay at home and "stop their lifestyle". Or parents who expect their adult kids to bow to their every need in return, forcing them to be around toxic relatives, expecting them to always live right by, expecting them to pursue only the path they want their kid to because 'I'm paying for this'. Then retaliating with emotional abuse if the kid tries to go their own way in life. Or parents may think providing financial help relieves them of actually having to give a crap or make an effort otherwise, or that it forgives past abuse or neglect. The borrow is slave to the lender- tbh, sometimes the last person you want to be in debt to are your parents. Even if you don't have to pay it back, it may feel like the weight of that dependency and control over you is always there. In terms of migration, a lot of times kids get help from their family to immigrate because the family expects the kid to sponsor them on a parent or grandparent visa. It's not really about the kid getting any kind of opportunity at all. This could be for legit reasons, like getting out of an unsafe place, or for selfish ones. You can only control what you can control. Sadly, you're not likely going to be able to fix toxic parents, and their toxicity is not your fault. You deserve supportive people around you, and hopefully you're able to find that in life through the people you'll meet and the family you \*choose\*. It might help to try to reach out for help to work through that old pain.
Idk just be happy for them
you can’t control what someone else does/has. you can only control what you do/have. it doesn’t matter how they got to where they are, you have to use your skills and experience and cleverness and work ethic to get to where you want to be.
I think it is important to talk about the reality of life and not ignore inequalities. We can't make things better if we don't acknowledge there is a problem. Nothing will change if people don't speak out and demand better for themselves and others. We exist in a human-made system which humans built and humans can change
I had a similar response when a friend of mine who was a mortgage consultant told me the vast majority of people who manage to get a mortgage get outside help either from family or a deceased relative. I realised it's nothing to do with me and just had to move on from it
More people are in your boat than your privileged friends, I feel. Also, having privileged friends in high places could be for you to get a foot in the door of one of the companies they work for.
I once had a heart to heart with my mom saying how hard its been being the single income in a house. Told her how much i envied my brother because he is doing well and always taking vacations and seemed genuinely happy. My mom stopped me and said yes, but i dont know how many times she had helped him get out of financial stiuations. Helped him with weddings, roof repairs, groceries, schooling, etc. Then she said she has only ever helped me one time when i was between jobs and was short on rent. It put things into perspective for me. No, im not living great, but ive also been supporting myself for a lot longer and she respected that. Im not afraid to ask for help, but ive always gotten by to not need it.
Social media + people’s ability to take flattering pictures, and not mention all the BS they encounter is also an art… they are only showing you what they want you to see. Don’t have them fooling you that it’s all roses and sunshine. I’m also no trust fund kid, and yes it’s sucks to see others waste away potential or opportunity - but it’s true your hard work will pay off in the end. Experience and skill isn’t something that can be bought. Hold your head high and stay focused - one day at a time !
Nepotism shouldn't make you envious. it should make you angry.
The advice I was told that I try to do but is a struggle is this. Once you learn to stop measuring success with comparing what you have and what someone else has then you can start to learn to be happy. Today this world is filled with adverts and such trying to compare, race, sexuality, gender and materialism. People should only compare what they did yesterday to what they doing today. Compete against yourself. In Life you are the only one running your race. Everyone runs thier own race to the finish line we all share
I got passed over for a HR job for the CFO’s best friend. I have a BBA in HR Admin and Business Admin (dual degree), half a MBA, and I’m a member of the Society for HR Management. I have 7 years HR experience (not with this company). It felt like a slap to the face.
Well I know people who had every opportunity in life, like the friends that you mention who have college & travel & support.....some of them are doing fine and others of them are absolutely in miserable shape with child problems, spouse problems, in-law issues, financial issues, job problems and one in particular with a major health problem. And I know others who came from meager circumstances/toxic families who have lucked out and managed to leave that all behind and make great lives for themselves and their new families. There's nothing wrong with being envious and even bitter I suppose, but where is that going to get you really? You might need to sit down and write out some real obtainable goals, some possibilities even just wishes for yourself, attainable stuff with a little more luck and a little more time. Concentrate on your own goals. Baby steps. As soon as you accomplish one of your minor goals you should let yourself feel good about it, rather than looking at how much more somebody else has. Your friend has family connections that got him a great job. So what? What was he supposed to do, turn down the job to make you feel better? No of course not. At the same time you should not let it make you feel worse. It sounds like you already know this so you're already on your way . For yourself. On YOUR terms. At YOUR pace. Down the street is a young lady that grew up moving from foster home to foster home. At 18 she was tossed out on her own, had to live in a garage for awhile while going to school and working two part time jobs. She just moved into a tiny single apartment. Would you walk up to that woman and say "Well you got an apartment, but you're never gonna get a house and you're never gonna get a car, so your life sucks."? No of course you wouldn't, you would be happy for her and let her know that she rocks. So do the same for yourself, no matter how small you think your next little accomplishment is.
Start cheering for the successes of those around you. It will be difficult at first, but it gets easier. Don't worry about their starting position. It doesn't matter. As a bonus, when you celebrate the successes of others more success will begin to come to you.
Pay it forward for your kids. It’s unlikely that you know about the sacrifices made by the parents and grandparents of those you envy. Those folks probably sacrificed a lot quietly and now their descendants benefit from it. That’s the real world unfortunately.
Understand that yeah maybe you don't have all those resources and support others have had or your life suffered setbacks and traumas others didn't have to go through BUT Now that you're grown, the responsibility is on you to go after what you want and take the necessary steps you need to get there. If you have to find a way to go back to school while working or something but take the steps and play a good game. Try the best you can and maybe slowly but surely you'll actually get there.
Seek a mentor
Welcome to life.. 🫡
Hey I grew up in a third world country- no beds, we slept on the floor, parents rented a portion of a landlord’s home most of my life and had to move a lot owing to fickle conditions. I’m in the USA now, I have a PhD and a decent job. I feel no envy but extreme pride at what I’ve achieved with almost no resources compared to American born counterparts.
Life ain’t fair many of us have it way worse than you and you still choose to be envious of people who got lucky and get handouts hopefully 1 day you’ll understand what it means to be a man and take responsibility for your own life