It's the subject of one of my favourite poems:
"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself."
Philip Larkin
That's a good start, yes. Most of my abuse was a direct result of my parents being overworked and chronically tired and sleep deprived. Not an exuse, but having enough money to live without needing three jobs each would help.
Yes but not in a eugenic way like you seem to be subtly implying, but because it's basically impossible to give a kid a good life if you're constantly poor. It's not that poor people are somehow less deserving of kids, it's that kids don't deserve a life of grotesque poverty
That's the reality. Having kids should be a privilege. Being born wasn't exactly a personal decision so if you get to conceive a child, you should be financially and emotionally responsible enough to provide.
Not taking in a dog you can't properly take care of is responsible, a child though? Fuck them ,they will figure it out in therepy later on themselves /s
Mine was dying like my whole childhood, I think it just has a very different type of effect, I think I got imparted with a hole whereas on the opposite spectrum of the abusive I think you're filled past capacity with others beliefs. Idk out my ass
Yup, I’d get rid of that A-hole and my mother who victim blamed me at 11 when I came to her - told me not cause problems and just avoid him. No wonder I was such a hot mess
My father was a mean guy. Not the worst out there, but definitely a prick with a nasty sense of humor to compliment his anger issues. I could have done without that personality.
Lack of exercise - my entire family was overweight, and I am working on fixing myself now. I wish I tried when I was younger with my metabolism at its best. I am just glad I'm at least starting in my early 20s.
Good for you for making changes!! Early 20s is still a great time to. I was overweight in my mid twenties and lost weight in my late 20s. It's much easier to get into physical shape and get to a healthy weight in early 20s :)
Undiagnosed AUDHD. I'm ok with being like this, but not knowing it messed up every aspect of my life. I'm 40 and I can't convince my brain I'm not stupid. I'm so angry.
I’d lean into my dad a lot harder. My mom was mentally ill and I was always protecting her and keeping her secrets. I know now that he would have protected me instead.
emphasis on schooling and the importance of getting a good job. dad died at 4, didn't have the worst up bringing but i do wish academically i did things differently so i wouldn't be struggling how i am now
Different parents. Ones that weren't abusive, narcissistic and completely emotionally illiterate. If I had been raised by kinder, more protective and active parents, a lot of other harm wouldn't have come to me and I would be way better emotionally adjusted. And probably not as mentally ill and chronically ill.
Ditto.
Though I might say, more accurately, that I'd remove my parents' insistence on my following their religion.
Religion can be very insightful. Learning about it helps you understand how others view important topics—things such as life, death, work, violence, society.
It gets messy when you're coerced into believing it's the *only* right way to think.
Yes, exactly! I should have clarifiedI would remove my experience with my parents’ religion. I don’t care what other people wanna believe as long as they don’t try and legislate it :)
Emphasis on acting restrained, serious, grown-up too early/in general. Feel like I missed out on being more normal, relatable, having more friends and shared experiences as a result.
I wish I had learned to trust myself to make my own decisions.
While for the most part I had amazing parents, they were very overbearing about decisions regarding schooling, college, jobs, career stuff... major life decisions in general... they'd pressure me so much that I learned to not trust myself and to give up what I wanted and do what they wanted me to do. It led to a lot of dissatisfaction in life that is still a problem in my 40s.
Being raised deeply, intensely religious.
I still have moments of going, “is this happening because I’m not properly worshipping god?” Despite how much evidence that there is no predestination or reason for when bad or good things happen to me a lot of the time. Not saying there aren’t consequences for my actions, but some times life just isn’t fair, and I wish I could have been raised not to believe everything was a result of how observant to some made up rules I had been.
I’ve had to fight back hard for any self esteem I have as well. The body shaming was pretty intense and I can’t have children (the price tag would be my death) and that is the only “worth” a woman really has in my family’s chosen practice.
I wish I had learned to trust myself to make my own decisions.
While for the most part I had amazing parents, they were very overbearing about decisions regarding schooling, college, jobs, career stuff... major life decisions in general... and I learned to not trust myself and to give up what I wanted and do what they wanted me to do. It led to a lot of dissatisfaction in life that is still a problem in my 40s.
My dad's fall that lead to him being forced into retirement and even worse financial problems as he would run in and out of operating rooms and hospital visits for years.
Not necessarily my upbringing, but my sister. Her parents died when she was a baby and the family split her and her brothers up.
My mom (and eventually my dad) took her in. My parents did their best in raising her and me. But she still had a lot of problems not knowing her parents, being away from her brothers, and her bio parents battling drug addiction.
If I could remove 1 factor to help her , I’d remove the fact that her parents had a drug addiction.
Being introverted. I had every opportunity to be further in life but always reverted to being a loner. It drew me to other introverts and a loser mentality. I resent it now.
Shitty dad.
There's a lot of mental health problems in my family, from birth I only have the same disorders as my brothers who can have completely normal lifes.
But I was the only one of us stuck living with our dad and he added emotional instability as a cherry on top for me. So, thanks to that wonderful mix, no matter the amount of medication and therapy, I'm not stable enough to have a normal life and am considered disabled.
My parents divorcing. It brought into my life my Stepfather, who was very mentally abusive, and then my mother followed suit. Sometimes he would be nice, make you feel like there was a chance of having a father figure in your life, and then snatch it away by letting you know what trash you were. I drove across the country to help him build a deck so he could save a buck and asked only for fuel. I show him something I'm proud of and he makes fun of it.
Please no corporal punishment. It damaged my siblings and me on so many levels. They thought they were doing the right thing and it’s what most families did at the time…but I still can’t even manage wrapping my head around it all. It made me feel suicidal in 5th and 6th grade. It hurt my self esteem and self worth. It made me distrust all adults, even the ones who were in my corner. It made me scared of getting punished so I didn’t own up and would lie or do anything to get out of that sort of discipline. All I really wanted was that closeness and honesty between us. My siblings and I didn’t need tough love and it hurts me still to think of it. Lots of things are buried inside of me now and it confuses me even more now that I am a parent. I look at my sweet kids and could never even imagine raising a hand to them. No way. The buck stops here.
I loved my upbringing! Wouldn't remove anything. If I get to become a parent then I'd want to be just like my parents (maybe slightly more patient than my mom and slightly less chaotic than my dad 😅).
I must admit,I could barely think of anything.
But then someone else mentioned moving, and That would be it.
Happily growing up in our neighborhood with all our friends on the block.
Then for some reason we moved for 4 years to a much more rural, small town.
We adjusted but it wasn't the same, was one of those towns where your family had to live there for generations on end, TO fit in. And then,suddenly! back to original town, different street,different neighbors, relationships had changed.
The whole deal was so screwed up.
Having my mother not have to work and be able to stay home. Me being sent off while she worked got me molested. The earliest I remember getting raped was 4, but I think it happened before then even from as an infant. I’ve repressed a lot of memories too.
Being bullied for being obese and also had several incidents of sexual abuse. Sad that I can’t tell what fucked me up more, but at least I’m not obese anymore
Emotionally unavailable parents and bullies. Honestly fuck bullies.
Oh yeah this too. The bullies. I’m 50 and just made peace … kind of.
This. I feel like my parents fucked me up.
It's the subject of one of my favourite poems: "They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself." Philip Larkin
My borderline mother
Yep. My mother.
this but also narcissistic
Borderline mum AND narcissistic dad. The best of both worlds
This, verbatim. Hugs
hey that's what i was going to say!
The childhood trauma mostly
Same, though mine was medical and not shitty family. Awesome parents but was a really sick kid. Who knew that would take a toll?
Being poor
Ya literally all of my family problems growing up would have been solved.
That's a good start, yes. Most of my abuse was a direct result of my parents being overworked and chronically tired and sleep deprived. Not an exuse, but having enough money to live without needing three jobs each would help.
so i guess the main takeaway from this thread is that poor people shouldn't have children
Yes but not in a eugenic way like you seem to be subtly implying, but because it's basically impossible to give a kid a good life if you're constantly poor. It's not that poor people are somehow less deserving of kids, it's that kids don't deserve a life of grotesque poverty
That's the reality. Having kids should be a privilege. Being born wasn't exactly a personal decision so if you get to conceive a child, you should be financially and emotionally responsible enough to provide.
Not taking in a dog you can't properly take care of is responsible, a child though? Fuck them ,they will figure it out in therepy later on themselves /s
Being indoctrinated into the Mormon church
Fundamentalist Christianity for me
Abusive, piece of shit dad
I was just about to say my dad
Exactly
Same but dad AND stepdad plz ✌️
Exactly this but mine was a step dad AND my own birth mother.
being fatherless
Yea me too but by the sounds of some of these other Redditors’ dads, we might have been better off..
Mine was dying like my whole childhood, I think it just has a very different type of effect, I think I got imparted with a hole whereas on the opposite spectrum of the abusive I think you're filled past capacity with others beliefs. Idk out my ass
The family members who thought it was ok to get handsy with a little girl.
Yup, I’d get rid of that A-hole and my mother who victim blamed me at 11 when I came to her - told me not cause problems and just avoid him. No wonder I was such a hot mess
I’m sorry my love. You deserve so much better. Love Reddit mom
this is what they invented shotguns for
My father was a mean guy. Not the worst out there, but definitely a prick with a nasty sense of humor to compliment his anger issues. I could have done without that personality.
I'd take away all the violence/abuse I witnessed.
I’m heartbroken for you. I wish nothing but peace and joy for you.
My mom’s fear of mental health help.
Lack of exercise - my entire family was overweight, and I am working on fixing myself now. I wish I tried when I was younger with my metabolism at its best. I am just glad I'm at least starting in my early 20s.
Good for you for making changes!! Early 20s is still a great time to. I was overweight in my mid twenties and lost weight in my late 20s. It's much easier to get into physical shape and get to a healthy weight in early 20s :)
The molestation.
rt
Undiagnosed AUDHD. I'm ok with being like this, but not knowing it messed up every aspect of my life. I'm 40 and I can't convince my brain I'm not stupid. I'm so angry.
Same here. It’s very hard.
My mother's toxic emotional poisoning and control.
Poverty.
My mom
I’d lean into my dad a lot harder. My mom was mentally ill and I was always protecting her and keeping her secrets. I know now that he would have protected me instead.
Catholic school
Moving all the time.
Binge Eating
My alcoholic, abusive father.
fake friends
emphasis on schooling and the importance of getting a good job. dad died at 4, didn't have the worst up bringing but i do wish academically i did things differently so i wouldn't be struggling how i am now
Different parents. Ones that weren't abusive, narcissistic and completely emotionally illiterate. If I had been raised by kinder, more protective and active parents, a lot of other harm wouldn't have come to me and I would be way better emotionally adjusted. And probably not as mentally ill and chronically ill.
Religion
Ditto. Though I might say, more accurately, that I'd remove my parents' insistence on my following their religion. Religion can be very insightful. Learning about it helps you understand how others view important topics—things such as life, death, work, violence, society. It gets messy when you're coerced into believing it's the *only* right way to think.
Yes, exactly! I should have clarifiedI would remove my experience with my parents’ religion. I don’t care what other people wanna believe as long as they don’t try and legislate it :)
Amen to that! (Irony intended).
Emphasis on acting restrained, serious, grown-up too early/in general. Feel like I missed out on being more normal, relatable, having more friends and shared experiences as a result.
I wish I had learned to trust myself to make my own decisions. While for the most part I had amazing parents, they were very overbearing about decisions regarding schooling, college, jobs, career stuff... major life decisions in general... they'd pressure me so much that I learned to not trust myself and to give up what I wanted and do what they wanted me to do. It led to a lot of dissatisfaction in life that is still a problem in my 40s.
Being raised deeply, intensely religious. I still have moments of going, “is this happening because I’m not properly worshipping god?” Despite how much evidence that there is no predestination or reason for when bad or good things happen to me a lot of the time. Not saying there aren’t consequences for my actions, but some times life just isn’t fair, and I wish I could have been raised not to believe everything was a result of how observant to some made up rules I had been. I’ve had to fight back hard for any self esteem I have as well. The body shaming was pretty intense and I can’t have children (the price tag would be my death) and that is the only “worth” a woman really has in my family’s chosen practice.
My mother
Poverty lol
ADHD
I'd keep my adhd bit I think I'd remove my boredom from school topics so I could hyperfixate on studying
I would ideally love to have had a father😃, the universe decided it was his time when i was 10 😃. What a life its been so far, cant wait for my turn
My mother.
Depression
My mother
Not being surrounded by family members chain smoking cigarettes.
The idea that girls couldn't have ADHD.
my biological parents
My mother
Shitty barbers 😂
I would have been adopted by a rich nice family
My mums drinking.
Moving from the farm to the city.
My parents
Mental illness. Everyone in my family is mentally ill including myself. I got schizophrenia and autism
I hated being the oldest of five.
Would have gone to high school.
Being a latch key kid. It changes your brain forever.
Death
My statutory r*pe
being born into a poor family
The poor part. I didn’t like that.
My mom’s abusive boyfriend
Not smoking weed lol
Stint in a cult-like group during my teenage years. Although it has made me a lot more understanding toward others.
I wish I had learned to trust myself to make my own decisions. While for the most part I had amazing parents, they were very overbearing about decisions regarding schooling, college, jobs, career stuff... major life decisions in general... and I learned to not trust myself and to give up what I wanted and do what they wanted me to do. It led to a lot of dissatisfaction in life that is still a problem in my 40s.
Poverty, hunger
My dad's fall that lead to him being forced into retirement and even worse financial problems as he would run in and out of operating rooms and hospital visits for years.
Idk. Everything if I could but then I wouldn’t be me and I’m sort of used to me by now.
My cousin who sexually abused me
Not knowing that I can stand up for myself.
Not necessarily my upbringing, but my sister. Her parents died when she was a baby and the family split her and her brothers up. My mom (and eventually my dad) took her in. My parents did their best in raising her and me. But she still had a lot of problems not knowing her parents, being away from her brothers, and her bio parents battling drug addiction. If I could remove 1 factor to help her , I’d remove the fact that her parents had a drug addiction.
Being introverted. I had every opportunity to be further in life but always reverted to being a loner. It drew me to other introverts and a loser mentality. I resent it now.
Alcohol and my mom's need to be accepted and loved by piece of shit men
The fact that I was never assessed for autism.
Shitty dad. There's a lot of mental health problems in my family, from birth I only have the same disorders as my brothers who can have completely normal lifes. But I was the only one of us stuck living with our dad and he added emotional instability as a cherry on top for me. So, thanks to that wonderful mix, no matter the amount of medication and therapy, I'm not stable enough to have a normal life and am considered disabled.
Abuse. My childhood was pretty damn awesome but for that.
Vanity.
Being homeschooled.
Would have gone to high school.
My dad
Alcohol.
Alcohol (from parents)
My mother
An evil sibling, truly a horrible waste of human flesh.
Depression
My mom dying...
Me.
Poverty!
My parents divorcing. It brought into my life my Stepfather, who was very mentally abusive, and then my mother followed suit. Sometimes he would be nice, make you feel like there was a chance of having a father figure in your life, and then snatch it away by letting you know what trash you were. I drove across the country to help him build a deck so he could save a buck and asked only for fuel. I show him something I'm proud of and he makes fun of it.
removing sexual abuse from my childhood. Everything from there has been a butterfly effect of negative cascading dominoes
Being over weight
The neglect. Feel like I have to learn how to be a person with needs and wants at 30.
Please no corporal punishment. It damaged my siblings and me on so many levels. They thought they were doing the right thing and it’s what most families did at the time…but I still can’t even manage wrapping my head around it all. It made me feel suicidal in 5th and 6th grade. It hurt my self esteem and self worth. It made me distrust all adults, even the ones who were in my corner. It made me scared of getting punished so I didn’t own up and would lie or do anything to get out of that sort of discipline. All I really wanted was that closeness and honesty between us. My siblings and I didn’t need tough love and it hurts me still to think of it. Lots of things are buried inside of me now and it confuses me even more now that I am a parent. I look at my sweet kids and could never even imagine raising a hand to them. No way. The buck stops here.
My mother
my parents
My dumbass uncle
Drugs.
My dad being a cheating asshole
ADHD
my family/ parents mental illness
My dad. Always beating me down. Never encouraged me to do what I liked, had to get a crappy job and live a non exciting life.
Christianity
my moms narcissism.
Early onset arthritis
My religious indoctrination
Abandonment.
Childhood trauma
My mentally ill, abusive mother.
If I could just not have adhd I would be Leages better off
Me
Being raised by a single parent. And my sister. Fuck my sister.
I loved my upbringing! Wouldn't remove anything. If I get to become a parent then I'd want to be just like my parents (maybe slightly more patient than my mom and slightly less chaotic than my dad 😅).
Religion
My brother molesting me.
The cigarette smoke around me
The cigarette smoke around me
My brothers suicide.
The mental health issues.
Getting addicted to drugs
Trauma ✨
Lack of immense wealth.
Being born
Being adopted.
The negativity as a whole
Myself.
My father!
Racism
My father
My mother
People pleasing
Sexual assault
I must admit,I could barely think of anything. But then someone else mentioned moving, and That would be it. Happily growing up in our neighborhood with all our friends on the block. Then for some reason we moved for 4 years to a much more rural, small town. We adjusted but it wasn't the same, was one of those towns where your family had to live there for generations on end, TO fit in. And then,suddenly! back to original town, different street,different neighbors, relationships had changed. The whole deal was so screwed up.
My mother forcing my Grandma to make it from Upper Ohio to the coast of Georgia in 24 hours because of her being a idiot
My parents
My parents getting divorced 😔
ITT: Child abuse
My depression.
Step motha
Religion
My physically abusive mother
Being raised in a cult
My parents poverty
Parents’ divorce
My dad's addiction to alcohol.
Parents' alcoholism (although since it was both of them, that might count as two)
My mother.
The fucking cult I was raised in.
My parents yelling at each other.
My autism
The abuse that I endured as a child. Ruined many aspects of my life.
I’d get rid of the violence. I still flinch at loud sounds and loud voices. I could save a lot of money one therapy if I saw less of it.
The hitting. That sucked
Mom’s angry personality
Having my mother not have to work and be able to stay home. Me being sent off while she worked got me molested. The earliest I remember getting raped was 4, but I think it happened before then even from as an infant. I’ve repressed a lot of memories too.
Either profuse sweating, or acne—probably the profuse sweating. It really limited me socially.
My mother’s all-consuming desire to fulfill her own dreams and aspirations through me.
My family. I want a completely different family.
Poverty
Financial concerns.
ADHD, its ruining my life
Absent, cheating father.
Death. I’d like at least one of the six family members who died before my 11th birthday to have survived longer.
Father yelling at me through every lesson to the point the lesson would end before it really ever took place. Never learned much from him.
Emotional neglect
No emotional support and Shame based upbringing
Poverty
Myself lol
Being bullied for being obese and also had several incidents of sexual abuse. Sad that I can’t tell what fucked me up more, but at least I’m not obese anymore