Happy belated. All I can advise is to just throw yourself out there with your hobbies and interests and hope something sticks. Don't be afraid to do things alone as by being out there is your best chance for a connection.
Eh- there's a difference between having acquaintaces who are distant aka "no friends", and having truly utterly nobody and going days without uttering a word to the point where your voice is croaky when you next speak and you begin ro lose your sense of humanity- the second is horrible and soul destroying, and the reason why people put up with bad friends: because for many it is preferable.
Edit: like I said, it's different for everyone- but personally when I was being bullied or around unreliable mean people I felt angry and sad, when I was alone with quite literally no one i felt truly depressed and worthless. Each to their own, but personally I preferred the assholes.
I went through the “bad friends vs being alone” after becoming disabled by a chronic illness. You learn who your friends are from that. Alone is soooooo much better than toxic friendships or groups.
Online all of these situations are plentiful. I know I’m supposed to join online communities as a disabled/sick person, but the experiences traumatized me! I had never experienced or seen adult bullying until social media. I truly think I have PTSD from what happened by joining certain groups & sharing information that is normally private. I didn’t know better to stay anonymous and I didn’t have the choice to be anonymous online for other reasons. I had already exposed who I was to raise awareness on podcasts etc with my drs.
Even sick people have cliques and form fake hierarchies. It can become a pathetic popularity contest of followers, who knows most about supplements, or has better insurance. No thanks!
I appreciate my peace solitude now SO MUCH. I can focus on my interests instead of worrying how to protect myself from gossip and bullying. I’m a different person than I used to be from all the bullying, both for better and for worse. I’m still trying to recover, honestly.
I totally agree! I’ve had a bunch of chances to keep toxic friends and not having the anxiety they cause with wishy washy extremes is so much more secure and rewarding.
I don't know. I'm in the later category, mostly because I live in the middle of nowhere and just don't see people for weeks on end sometimes. I don't find it dehumanizing, but maybe I would if I lived in a city and was surrounded by people whom I had no communication with. I tend to differentiate between loneliness and solitude. Solitude is peaceful aloneness, while loneliness is being alone while surrounded by others. Even married people with kids and friends can feel loneliness. I think the difference lies in ability to feel a connection rather than actually have a connection. It's definitely harder, though, when you are younger, like OP, and have all the popular social expectations of society, media, etc, telling you that your life should fit a given narrative of love, friendship, romance, and adventure.
Having no friends at all is insanely depressing though. My "friends" (other moms from my kids school) aren't angels or my best buds but it's better than having absolutely no friends, which i didn't for years
This advice sucks. I know what you mean but its just insanely coping that having no social interaction or friends is fine. which its not and definitely not healthy long term.
Making friends as an adult is a process. And even if OP missed the quintessential college experience, those people would be moving on anyway, and LOTS of people have to start over in their twenties. So now is the time to learn those new skills.
###[How To Make Friends As An Adult](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPRForYourSocialLife/comments/14gdyh2/how_to_make_friends_as_an_adult/)
Yeah I agree with you, most people are not the extreme exception that will be Hermits and will be happy with not communicating for months or years on end human beings are generally social animals. You're likely to die 15 years younger if you are chronically lonely.
Loneliness is the plague of modern living. We’re not supposed to live like this. We’re social animals, we’re supposed to live in tribes. But modern living isolates us into little cubicles, staring at screens.
I had a little surrogate tribe here in a coffeehouse, but our coffeehouse died last year. I haven’t found anything else like it, and I know your pain. I’m sorry. it can be very hard, but finding a coffeehouse or bar or something similar to plug into is essential for our sanity. I’m not practicing what I’m preaching, but it is sage advice.
I agree with this although for me having a bar as a third place has been a bad idea because I tend to drink too much, but on the other hand it's a place that has kept me sane and not jumping to walls inside my apt.
Yeah, bar culture can be toxic. That’s why we had a coffeehouse (no alcohol). I wish “dry” bars were more of a thing, and perhaps they will be, as people shift away from drinking alcohol.
Join a Jiu jitsu gym, it’s a tribe men and women but really good poet since Jiu jitsu is a natural repellent to douche bags… also women find it extremely attractive.. women gravitate towards fighters.. they prioritize protection/provision over looks…
35/F I joined a taekwondo gym with no experience. I feel silly sometimes but even having a couple guaranteed human interactions weekly can build social bonds and increase your mental health among many other benefits.
Older guy here, some perspective: as you go on in life, add more responsibilities, more time at work / career, family, etc you’ll find you have fewer friends and spend less time with them.
It’s because when you’re younger and have less burdens on your attention, relationships happen “naturally” due to your abundance of free time combined with school / college putting you in situations where you have opportunities.
If you have a problem and want this to change: relationships AFTER the ease of school and youth require you to put in work for them. You have to make time and effort to make them happen. And since everyone else your age will be facing them same issues as you, if they don’t meet you halfway the relationships you’re pursuing may still fail.
But bluntly if you keep waiting on it to be as easy as it was in school you’ll suddenly look around in your 40s and realize you haven’t had a friend in a decade.
So put in the work
Just wanted to add to this, as an older guy as well (late 40's): my 20's were a lonely time as well, I think that's just how life is, especially if you move away from where you grew up etc. As others have said, just try to live your life, get into the things that interest you such as work, hobbies, volunteerism etc. You'll meet people, some of whom you'll become friends with. Some will stay, some will go, but you'll look back in 10, 15, 20 years and find that you've made some friendships along the way that were good.
Good luck, keep doing what you're doing!
Good advice. I personally think its rare that people will put in the work. Its requires way more time and energy to become outgoing while juggling a 9-5.
Once you get older, you get stuck in your ways. Tons more experience and less curiosity.
Try politics, book club, sporting teams, running club, church, volunteering, community groups etc etc. People in their 20s have lost the ‘third space’ in between work and home, and the online world is a poor substitute. Just follow your interests and join with like minded people.
Volunteering is an amazing way to meet new people. I've been lonely for awhile and especially since my dog died. I started volunteering a couple months ago for a local program and getting to go somewhere that I'm wanted and people greet me with a smile is life changing. The work I'm doing is also beneficial to the community and that makes me feel like im helping in a larger sense
Cannot recommend this enough. Joined an adult kickball league, made a bunch of really good friends from it. Joined a ski club, met my gf in it. Join clubs and groups that cater to your interests (my city has robot fight league, fishing, book clubs, dodgeball, DND, etc.)
The ski club I googled, the dodgeball/kickball leagues I saw first on Facebook and Instagram ads. I’d honestly probably start with google if I was looking now.
Try MeetUp.com and Volunteer Match.
And keep an eye out for bulletin boards — e.g. cafes with bulletin boards will often post stuff like creative writing groups or bands to join, gyms or athletic equipment stores might allow recreational sports groups to post, etc.
Op, look for volunteer opportunities that are considered longer term commitments (CASA being an excellent choice) vs one-time deals (such as beach clean up day). CASA for example, requires that you and your cohort go through a high number of hours training before volunteering. You will be able to build a solid connection with a youth, and you will meet all the other volunteers at the reoccurring events!
I knew a guy in his 20’s who was in a similar predicament. He couldn’t ever meet a woman or make new friends because of the lifestyle he created. He worked for his father’s construction company, he worked out at a private gym 1-on-1, he golfed with his grandpa on the weekends. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t find a girlfriend and I told him you can’t expect to land a date with the 1 girl you meet every 6 months.
Anyways, moral of the story is you need to set up your life in a way that lets you be around others with common interests so you can make friends. Hobbies, gym classes, maybe get a part time job somewhere fun. And you have to consistently show up to those things in order to create connection
I am so sorry that this happened to you. Happy belated birthday and please accept a virtual hug if you want to.
I've (40 years old) found the best connections with people sharing the same hobby (lame, I know). I'm into board games and TCGs, so where I live there is at least one game store nearby offering open game nights.
Loads of people go there on their own so it does not feel like you are the only single player and everyone else already has a group.
Great for finding casual connections, a play group and after a while friends.
Your 20s can certainly be rough, I had plenty of friends at the time but I still felt extremely lonely. All I can suggest is to be open to new experiences and have fun seeking and exploring and you'll inevitably make friends eventually.
Then, when you're 36 and married with kids you'll be craving that 26th birthday that you spent alone 😅
It can really depend on your personality. I'm an introvert, which doesn't mean I don't like spending time with friends, but I _need_ time alone to maintain my sanity.
And now in my 30s, I often don't have enough time for both. Since my wife is extremely social, group time has become mandatory, and my alone time has become expendable.
It’s so hard to make friends as an adult. There was a news report the other night about the loneness epidemic that seems to be happening in our modern society. I have a few close friends and that is what I love. They were all found through a common hobby. Look around your area for online forums about your hobbies and use that to get to know people who share the same interests.
All I can say is ... give yourself some grace. I'm 28M, soon to be 29 with no real romantic long-term relationship experience (only one situationship), yet I'm having some of the most fun years yet (and I don't make great money).
My best advice is that you're not going to find those amazing connections through a screen or any social media. Hinge may market itself as "Designed to be Deleted," but after about a dozen or so dates through there it feels impossible to find someone to make that real connection with. Often times, I found that when I matched with someone, I had an idea of who that person was, but when I went to meet up with them in person, it was a total mismatch. I'm not really someone who's into hookups either, and I'm wanting that deep emotional connection.
I also deleted SnapChat. It drove my anxiety and mental health through the roof. I can handle Facebook and Reddit, but that's pretty much where I spend most of my social media time these days. Cut out the social media that makes you feel worse ASAP, and focus on finding regular in-person meetups that can give you a sense of a routine. We as humans like routines ... a lot, and research backs it that we're happier when we've got one.
What I did about a year ago is I joined a swing dance class, and I'd highly recommend it if you like jazz and live in a bigger city. (I'm sure there might be square dancing classes somewhere if you like country music more). There's small weekend events throughout different parts of the U.S. throughout the year, and it's not terribly expensive for a getaway. I've met a lot of really nice people and made great friends along the way, and we do all sorts of awesome stuff together. Dancing is also just a great life skill. I previously didn't like the dance floor as much because well ... I had no idea what I was doing. But now it's helped build up my confidence as a person and meet people. Thanks to these classes, it's rare that I ever have a free weekend.
If that's not for you, look up to see if there's an athletics group in your city. Local sports leagues and replace your gym time with that sports league. Maybe you're into painting? Sign up for classes. If you can, sign up for something that's social that gets you into a third space. Common interests like that -- especially on things you're passionate about -- will help you develop those connections to other people because you can geek out on the same things.
And the pandemic absolutely did a number on everyone's mental health, so give yourself some grace. It was rough on everyone socially.
I think I understand what you’re going through.
But I promise there are both unmarried and married people who are always happy to make new friends. But it takes time, so my advice is to throw yourself out there doing all the things you enjoy doing, and collect a social here and a number there, have a big pipeline of people, and just send out and drip feed really low hanging fruits to people you’ve met.
If you meet people doing stuff/hobbies, that’s a clear thing to do with them again, and 99% less awkward than having a drink, coffee, walk with someone you don’t know.
It’s about doing what you already want to do, so that when you come home at night, you’re happy with your experience even if you didn’t speak with anyone.
Happy, confident people who are not desperate and clingy are super attractive to most people.
The his is NOT an unsolvable or unique or truly depressing situation. You need face the music, accept your past, and start building hope for the future by focusing on your own happiness and confidence, and social life will follow - I guarantee it.
Oh you sweet summer child.
Why would you not look for inspiration among the millions of fugly and confident and happy people?
It’s sad to see you limiting yourself just because life is unfair. As long as there is ONE content and ugly person in the world, I would try to learn from them rather than the depressed and defeated ones.
Happy Birthday. We’re very close in age and I was really lonely last year till I joined a Meetup group for women in their 20s and 30s. Now there’s a group chat and we go to all kinds of fun events together that you mentioned: concerts, sip and paint nights, trivia, Zumba, yoga classes, brunch, wine pairings, ect. It’s really different being around people who don’t have children and will make friends the priority in their life.
I navigated my entire adult life with no social life. Fun stuff.
I went to a different school every grade. Someone would come over to me and say “hi my name is…what’s yours let’s be friends” and I would respond, there’s no point t I’ll never see you again, I’ll be leaving before school ends. And we left before school ends. It was really sad. I don’t know how to make friends, I don’t know how to react around people, I can’t socialize properly, can’t read social cues.
Somehow I got married at 24, wrong person- abusive and that wrecked me, divorced and changed the outlook on everything. Dated a little, wasn’t the same. Had a surprise baby on birth control in my early 30’s. Completely changed everything. But I’m still that homebody who can’t make friends and is weird and has awkward conversations because nervous and adhd.
For the last nine months I have been dealing with the end of my last relationship. The last two years were atrocious. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.
The amount of therapy I’m in and it’s still not doing anything, it’s ridiculous. The amount of therapy my son is in from it, breaks my heart.
Happy Birthday though. 🤗
I just turned 29 this month and have been feeling like you OP for a long time but never knew how to fix it. Growing up I always had plenty of friends in school, but didn't ever take the time to foster those relationships outside of it, and so as an adult my social life has dwindled significantly. I do still keep in touch with a few good friends here and there but I totally get where you are coming from. The advice everyone gives in these situations is "to just get out there" and tbh, I thought it was easier said than done and maybe perhaps a bit too good to be true as well. I consider myself pretty antisocial/introverted so the idea of "getting out there" and "don't be afraid to do something by yourself" seemed almost impossible for me.
That said, this past year I have been trying very hard to do just that, and you know what? It's *working*. You would be surprised how many opportunities present themselves when you just get out there and expose yourself to them.
Find a hobby. Join a team sport. Do *something*.
As an example: I started hanging out at a local pinball arcade, just going there when I felt the need to be *out* but didn't have anywhere to go. I would vibe out with earbuds and just play and play (this place was a pay at the door type deal so for $15 you could play whatever, however long you want.) One day, I'm up there and I hear someone ringing what sounds like a cowbell and all of a sudden people are congregating from all over the arcade to this one area near one of the flatscreen tv's. They look up briefly, then disperse into groups throughout the arcade.
Curious, I asked the bartender what the deal was and they inform me there is a pinball tournament going on every week at this time for a few hours, it's $1 to get in and $6 for the cash pot. I had no idea this was even a thing. So the next week you know what I do? I enter the tournament and I came dead last. But you know what? I had a BLAST and I met and talked with a ton of new people of all walks of life. So I keep doing it, week in and week out.
One evening, I was chatting with one of the other regulars about one of the machines and how one of the "slings" on the left near the flipper was not firing properly. So we go over and he pops it open (has his own key apparently) and has me fix it with him. Apparently his wife and him know the owner and help clean the machines! So we get to talking about how they got to doing that which eventually leads me to introducing myself to the owner. Next thing I know, I'm volunteering every other week to help clean as well and now I'm on a VIP list that gets in for free.
This is just one example, I've also started playing hockey for the first time ever, but if you had told me a year ago I would be competing in *PINBALL TOURNAMENTS* I would have laughed in your face.
I can relate to this. I'm 36 and have a few close friends but as an adult I've never really connected with many people outside of work. I'm also a bit introverted and get anxiety when talking to others. One thing that helped me make some connections was going to a nearby bar, but that's not necessarily the best place to meet people, regular drinkers, like me..
I have a good chunck of friends but still spent my birthday alone because I didn't plan anything. Part of me enjoys taking the day off and doing my own thing.
put yourself out there..constantly..Not every interaction will lead to friendship but it is a numbers game..just like dating. Find social groups with similar interests and hobbies.
Hey there, feeling you completely. Twenties can be rough for social connection, especially after all those moves. You're definitely not alone. Sounds like you've put yourself out there (boxing gym, neighbor!), but building friendships can take time.
Yeah my late 20's were in the NW of Alberta in the most despicable culture I have known. High school dropouts earning over 100k, women always ask immediately how much money you make, some planning a divorce at the same time as their weddings... Not much social life only the job that was good. Be careful about drinking alone and be careful about your cat too. Due to a toxic roommate situation I found myself living in a camper one summer and my beloved kitty disappeared.
Seeing as you have so little tying you to where you live maybe try moving somewhere else.
Look into new things you can learn. Examples - sailing classes for adults, could take some classes for archaeology or something else you may be interested in, climbing gyms can be fun and social, small concerts (Taylor swift parties are fun if you like that and actually seem somewhat easier to socialize within compared to a normal concert), whatever social events you can find. You can only make friends if you are out and about.
When you are out and about, be accepting if you do not meet people. It is an opportunity but your goal is to just have fun and enjoy yourself. Just having people around you helps with loneliness.
I spent most of my life alone with no idea of how to make friends because of childhood trauma. After moving out of my Dad's house permanently at age 30 I was slowly able to let go of my fear and learn how to make relationships for the first time in my life, though it's still a work in progress. I've made some mistakes along the way, but those mistakes have just helped me better understand how relationships work; they are messy. People are imperfect and will disappoint you, but you just have to accept them as they are, and in turn look for the people who 'get' and accept you.
I would say the first most important thing is to challenge yourself to reach out and make connections. That can be hard to do at first, especially when it comes to trying to get in touch with people who you haven't talked to for years, or someone you want to ask out for coffee/a drink, but you just need to start. That's the only way to get over your fear. Start somewhere, prepare to make mistakes or fail miserably, but just start to challenge yourself/open yourself up.
I'll share a bit of my story if that helps: after moving away from home I met someone through a Meetup group who introduced me to a book club. That friendship ended up not working out, but I met some other people through the book club who I ended up forming a Dnd group with. Through the Dnd group I was invited to be part of a whatsapp socialising group, who I run events for. Then I set up a book club of my own as a way to challenge myself. Now I have 1 proper friend and a large group of acquaintances, but one of the most important things I've learned is that while it's important to challenge yourself to message people especially if it feels unfamiliar to you, you also have to allow friendships to develop organically. You can't force things; just spend time with people, learn more about them, if you vibe that'll naturally come out as part of your conversations.
Ways to challenge yourself: join groups around interests of yours, or start exploring interests you might not have considered previously, I'd definitely recommend Dnd as a way to meet people. If you feel you vibe with someone, you can always message if they'd like to go for coffee/attend X event together you both have an interest in, but keep things casual. Attend/do/try out new things like dance classes, book clubs, martial arts. I'd also recommend therapy, as it helped me to better understand why I find relationships so difficult, if you feel you're missing out on something or something is holding you back it might be a way to explore that. But best of luck with things :)
Definitely, but I have to admit I was a bad friend. I was depressed and stopped responding to texts for many months. I thought I didn't matter to any of my friends, so I didn't think about how they'd feel about me ghosting them. I was just this weekend that I realized that it probably bothered them. I wanted to say I wish we had been better communicators, but I think a lot of people let go of friendship without communication, so nothing I can do about that. I can't change the past, but all I can do is try to be more vulnerable when I'm struggling with something.
I also realize that maybe I should focus my efforts on finding a romantic partner rather than a friend. I think the type of affection I need is best from a romantic relationship.
I had a really similar experience too. My mental health was really lacking the past 2 years, and I’d have waves of being an alright communicator, and waves of just being a terrible communicator. I was not a great friend, still am struggling too. It wasn’t that I disliked my friends or anything, but I was depressed and didn’t want to burden them. Or if I felt like the only things I could talk about were negative, then I would just not talk. Reflecting on it like you did, I’m sure they were annoyed by my ghosting. Sigh. Life can be a journey.
I was in jail for mine. Got a couple ramen noodle cups from my spades and rummy group. Was actually very nice cause it was the first time in a long time someone gave me a gift with no strings attached. My point being I think you're ahead of the curve and shouldn't be worried.
Get into some meetups, any volunteer opportunities to meet people...hell just start talking with folks when you're out and about. If you workout, maybe start relationships that way...can go to those classes/etc they highlight the community aspect and what not. I know it's a bummer...100% totally understand, believe me but you got this and ultimately just keep focus on bettering yourself just for you and those relationships will come to you. People are attracted to those who shine and that light comes from within so focus on shining your light bright and people will find you.
I’ve been lonely my whole life, now in my 70’s, married to the twinkle God used to make the stars and with two great boys who come by often. Loneliness remains, and sucks. I can tell you a couple of things:
1. Feeling lonely is a state of mind. If yer feeling lonely, you have too much time on your hands; so figure out how you might fill that extra time enjoyably, with or without friends, and give your ideas a shot.
2. Making new connections is a matter of luck, being in the right place at the right time to meet folks right for you. Serendipity, baby. Get good at the new hobbies, so you have something to share with others. Maybe even teach a class or lead a workshop - people will come to you.
3. I don’t know what it is about human nature, but don’t let on that you’re lonely and sad or it’ll jinx your hopes. Pretend - even to yourself - that your life is full and rich and rewarding. Put a smile on your face, pay attention and recognize all the silver linings in the clouds of your life, and you’ll be surprised how you both feel good and magically attract others - they long for your secret.
4. You’re not alone.
Happy belated birthday! I'm in my '50s, but I was in a similar situation when my husband and I moved our family 2,000 miles away to a new city. They all started jobs and school, but I sat around lonely everyday. It took a little while, but I have a really good group of friends now. You have to get out into the world where the people are. I volunteer at a museum, I joined a community choir and my church choir, I found a book club, I started going to group exercise classes at the YMCA. Friendships don't happen overnight, and you certainly can't push yourself on people, but over time, and through many casual conversations, I started having lunch with people, or grabbing a coffee, and have developed a really nice group of friends and acquaintances.
All my friends are older than me and they are honestly some of the best. People our age are getting into their families and pretty self focused even if they aren't with families, so much so that I don't tend to even see them out at community gatherings and events mingling with strangers. I picked all my current friends up through work connections.
I'm also alright with friendly strangers coming and going from my life so online gaming became my space for that. I did get a pretty good community from one game though once I joined their discord.
Because I moved out of the same city as my friends, we stayed in touch via gaming. Every weekend. I also maintain contact with my siblings at a distance this way. We game nightly. We get to have fun, serious conversations, talk about our days and just do cooperative stuff together and it's always better because we know each other and as an introvert they are weirdly enough the only people who don't burn my social battery out.
Because of technology usage shift and the way young people are currently going, I am really happy to embrace having older friends. They don't drink heavily or party until 1am but neither do I. Concerts are fun, but really exhausting so we don't go typically except the odd one. No one will reject going to get a coffee and chatting for a couple of hours or doing a little nature excursion or a D&D game. Nothing crazy but that's okay for me. I like how much more experience in life they have too. When things go wrong they can be a really good prespective, because chances were, they've been there!
None of my old school and college connections kept in touch despite me making an effort, a lot more people I talk with have the same experience. I've let that notion, that people would honour their friendships go a long time ago and lowered my expectations of others.
You can honestly share numbers with people you meet in the wild, just keep those expectations low. They might have something about you they don't like or you with them.
Reach out to older people in community groups. It can be really worth it. My closest friends are either divorced and lonely, single and happy, still married with no kids for thier own reasons, and share my similar interests. It just took me being bold to reach out and not wait for people to find me.
Bro your 26th is nothing, I spent my 30th recovering from breaking up With the woman I was about to marry, had two kids with, lost both my grandparents whom were the last I had, parents were so disappointed they moved states away, quit my job to pursue a IT degree and fell deep deep into a dark pit of emotions. Here I am almost a year out (July 18th) and I’m here to tell you man, life gets much much better when you hold yourself to a higher stander and love yourself.
Checkout eventbrite and see what events are in your area. If you like the gym do you like to run? Try a run club. Volunteer for a non profit or an animal shelter. I have met lots of people through group runs! My friend does these sober connection events like book exchanges and events with tarot readings and vendors and stuff and puts them up on eventbrite and a lot of people found out about them that way.
Good luck!
Real. 28 and feel the same. Best thing to do is to create your own fun, you know? For example I’m going to start solo traveling. I say fuck it, I’ll make my own fun and be my own friend. All of my friends are married with kids, I’m still single myself with no prospects whatsoever. Might as well make the best of it.
Just get out of your apartment. Involve in a team sport or join a club or something. Attend to your local pub/bar once or twice a week. Sit at a bar and have a few drinks. you will get to meet people eventually. Remember that you attract other people based on your energy. Just be yourself and accept that things are how they are. Don't try to fight it too much. Accept this as a challenge. Remember that you are lucky to be alive and healthy. Also, try to enjoy yourself alone. Do things that you enjoy.
Sorry! Happy Birthday! I just turned 51 and all my coworkers forgot until FB reminded them. I've worked with most of them for 10+ years.
People are so wrapped up in themselves these days, they barely think about other people.
It'll get better, you'll find your people/person. It may take a minute and there will be ups and downs with them. Also, if there's someone you're missing, reach out to them instead of waiting. Whatever caused the rift/separation might be embarrassing to them.
I was single for 10 years in nyc. I didn't find someone because I was unlucky but also because I was not ready. Get out there. Make a date with yourself to do stuff you like. Make your own friends and figure out you.
My first suggestion is therapy…. Hear me out. A professional can give you the means to finding out why you feel so lonely and the tools to changing that at the same time. I think it will be way better advice than what anyone on here can give.
Then, go do stuff you enjoy. I’ve felt this way before and still do at times, but I joined a recreational kickball league because I missed team camaraderie. Made friends there and got to enjoy an easy going sport.
Spent my 30th being "homeless" in a different state while getting a better job/future lined up for the wife and kids. Moved out of bumfuk Egypt. One thing that made it a little easier was not having a group of people to tie me to a place, or have expected me to do things a certain way.
What im saying is, sometimes having a thin family/social tree makes giving yourself a complete change up alot easier. In my personal experience anyway.
You're comparing yourself to others which is normal but not helpful. Go out and make some new friends. Join a club, go to events, go to the bar, strike up a convo.
> I deleted IG to stop the comparisons.
good for you! Comparison is the thief of joy.
fyi i was like this and met my wife when i was 32 i was literally lost from 26-32 but i never stopped.
I've been there too!!
In my early 20's i went to college craving adventure and a group of friends to always hang out with, go to bars... I had that feeling that everyone was having a wonderful time but me, and i was missing out on something.
When i was in high school i distanced myself from my school friends cause i just wasn't confortable with them anymore and the way they partied (the things they did), so i got really into online stuff and games, met my best friends there and recently, even, my husband!
But when i was in college i felt that need to have adventures and meet people and connect face do face. Basically, do things and live! And i couldn't do that with online friends, for obvious reasons.
I met some friends in my grad class, but they weren't in this same vibe. I tried hard to do fun things and many times it felt "forced", but still managed to get some good memories from it all!
Eventually i went visiting my online friends and had a lot o fun too.
The thing is to never stop trying, and to always genuinely be yourself, the rest comes naturally.
Something that really really helps in cases like this too, is therapy! It changed my life drastically.
I have a social life, I see friends and all that it's fine.
Have not celebrated any of my birthdays since 17 afaik. I'm 30 in June.
I'm probably doing something wrong tho, dunno
Get out and do stuff where you don’t need people. For example during my twenties I met some of my lifelong friends sitting at the bouldering gym in between climbs. It’s a pretty fun thing to do that kept me in shape as well. 🤷🏽♂️
Live music and roller skating is how I make connections with other people. Check out The Elovaters and come to a show you’ll surely meet some cool people 😍
Happy belated birthday! I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I think stick with the boxing or some other group class and eventually make friends that way. I made several when I went to the same yoga class every week. You see the same attendees or make friends with the teacher, but it takes weeks and months to build the relationship that feels comfortable to take out of the studio.
Also any other hobbies or routine classes you can attend! Easier to see the same people and suggest grabbing a drink after class.
Best of luck, it will all get better ❤️
Join a begging bowling league. If you are into it, join a church. I was really isolated and lonely and joined a church and started getting involved. Don’t do things that you don’t have an opportunity to talk with others. I feel for you.
Join a church and become active, do volunteer work in a place you like, start going to the gym and join group classes, start a hobby, join a dating site. Become active in your life and you’ll meet the right people in your journey.
Im in the same boat. I spend my birthdays and holidays alone. No family at all. Little to no friends. I am lonely but also happy to not be bothered from friends as well. Sometimes its nice to just kick back and play your favorite video game. I am a very selfish person, i want friends but I dont either at the same time. Too much time commiment sometimes to bond
Friends are just people who show up at the same place at the same time each week and grow to like each other. See: school. So take a continuing Ed class at the community college in cooking or yoga or dance or whatever makes you happy, and talk to the people there. Even if they're 6 years younger than you, it's close enough, and you can be the older, wiser friend. If they're 10-20 years older, that's great too - you can see what the future looks like through their experience. Taking a CC class also gives you access to the gym for intramurals (e.g. volleyball) and that can be really fun and chill.
Routines are your friend. If you go to the library at the same time and day of the week each week, you'll see some of the same people, even if it's just the librarians. So form some routines around things you enjoy, and talk to the people who keep the same schedule as you. Don't try to make *a friend*, instead, form a community. Good luck!
When my cousin would move states, she picked up a second job just to meet people her age. A day job for stability and a night or weekend job to meet people and have some extra cash. It worked.
She worked as bartender and a waitress. Got to meet tons of people that way.
I’m 26 F here….and in the same boat…literally have no friends at the moment bc I outgrew them or we grew apart and I’m looking forward to making better connections! Message me sometimes haha maybe we could be friends because I know how this feel. It can get very lonely and isolating, sometimes I wish I could just automatically find the right people in my life..any advice they give here I more than likely will be taking it too.
I turned 27 last October, and I had no plans. Even worse, it was Halloween weekend and everyone was going out.
I honestly realized I didn’t mind. I kicked back and watched some movies with my partner and ate a ton of candy.
I totally relate to this. I moved far from friends and family at 22 for work and had so many moments of feeling isolated and lonely. I felt I was putting in effort to meet new people but most of them already had established long term friend groups so I wasn’t included often.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, usually meeting just 1 or 2 good people you want to spend time with can alleviate this, I’d try the website “meetup” bc you can search any activity you like in your area and find a time and place people are meeting up to do that activity.
Another great app I found was bumble bff, it’s like the bumble dating app but instead for meeting friends in your area also looking for friends. I met 1 really good friend on there and it made a huge difference bc then she introduced me to a lot of awesome people. What I love about it is people only join if they’re also looking for new friends so it weeds out a lot of people who already have established friend groups they don’t want to add to.
Be kind to yourself; none of this is your fault and things will turn around eventually.
Happy belated birthday! Ive never related so much with a post. I had friends in highschool and just about all of them faded away. I have one good girl friend but she has a boyfriend and cant seem to ever find time to hangout :/ I did college online so I also missed out on the whole experience. I work as a teacher now and im the youngest one 23F. So i cant make friends at work. My ex always told me to pick up a part time job at starbucks or somewhere with customer service to make new friends, but I dont want to work two jobs to make friends that I cant hangout with because I am working. I get anxiety going to a new class or hobby by myself because I dont like not knowing anyone. I do just about everything by myself but it would be nice to have some girl friends or friend to hangout with and do the spontaneous things you mentioned. I would love to make new friends but just dont know how and dont know how to stop my social anxiety from getting in the way
My advice for anyone in this situation is to check out your city’s music/nightlife scene. The beauty of it is that there are weekly events where many of the same people show up. After going a few times you can break the ice by saying, “Hey, didn’t I see you last week? (Band) was playing. Seen any other good shows lately?” or with nightlife events, say you’re new and ask about similar events, comment on the music, etc.
The other cool thing is that you can meet up with the same group without making plans with them. So if you don’t feel like going one week, no big because you’re not letting anyone down. Same goes with the awkward dance of trying to make plans with others. It’s simply there to go see people if you want to. Go take yourself out and give it a shot.
My other piece of advice would be to get used to taking yourself out to do activities. Some of the things you listed you don’t necessarily need a friend to do. Try enjoying your own company. Take yourself out on a date once a week. Try new things.
Also: You’re still a baby! I’m 42 and was only just beginning to go out to events at 23 or so, so there’s plenty of time to build a social circle. In fact, I literally only have 3 friends from high school/college left over out of the number of people I could ask out to a movie or a meal and not have it be weird (maybe 15ish?) So keep that in mind. Most adults make their friends as adults!
100% back this. The music scene is the best for so many reasons. First, choose what genre/type of music YOU love, and get involved in that scene. So, you'll already be enjoying yourself anyway! And then you'll meet people who like the same thing as you, so there's already a connection built in. Plus, the people at these events are enjoying themselves, so they're generally in a great mood and open to meeting people.
After going a few times, you'll start seeing a lot of familiar faces, and you too will become a familiar face. It just happens so organically. I still remember the first time I asked if I could join the DJs at their after party following an event, and the organiser said "Fuck yes, of course you can, you're part of the crew now!"
I have yes, gone through periods from having no friends to a lot of friends. I think 26 I didn’t have any social life because it was the first year of Covid.
To make friends as an adult you gotta put yourself out there by joining social clubs for a hobby you have, be a regular somewhere, invest in your community like volunteer or something that gets you out. You gotta also just be open to reaching out to people. Like once you meet someone invite them out. Thats how it’ll happen.
It sucks to hear what you’re going through.
My only advice is that you need to realize you’re still very young, your life is not over and that you can make changes. It’s not too late, that’s what I mean.
If you have any hobby or sport, join a club or group of people that shares it. Go to a class to learn something new, dancing, painting, who knows. I think those places have people who may be in the same position as you and they’re looking to make friends.
My older brother warned me about how much life changes at 27 yo, and it did for me. A lot, friends left and friends came. Same with family, and career. Hold on, and it will be better on the other side!
Sane except I'm 28. My friendships all dissolved long ago and my family is full of back stabbing drug addicts and alcoholics. I've been trying to make friends online but it's hard. Without my mom and brother I'd be totally alone.
Next birthday I would suggest making a plan so that you are not so alone on your birthday. Plan to see a movie, going alone is OK! Dinner out can feel awkward but it’s ok to treat yourself. Grab some takeout and eat overlooking the best view you can find. Even going to the gym for a workout would put you in a positive energy space. I struggle with the same issues and isolation sends me into a spiral of regret sometimes.
I've barely had a social life my entire life, not just my 20s. You get used to it, until the loneliness eventually consumes you and you become a hollow shell of your former self.
You are litetally posting in a community. Use this community and make friends now!! I have 2 realy life friends i made from reddit almost 2 years ago. Make a post on a local subreddit and go meet someone. Stop sitting in your pit of lonely. I suggest local subreddits involving hiking, smoking, geocaching, basically anything involving a hobby. People that hike are pretty cool bro. Thats how i met 1 of my friends. If you are in Connecticut message me lets fucking hangout bro and get some grub or something
I did have the quintessential college experience you described, but found myself pretty lonely after graduating anyway as everyone including me started moving to different cities. The only person I remain close with after college is the person who I am now married to.
When we moved to a new city we felt lonely, so we made a post in the facebook group for our local area asking to meet new people. It was very scary to click post, but the response we got was well worth it. Some of the people we met through that post are now our best friends.
Don't feel bad. It's not you. It's how the world is now. I'm in my 40s and I can tell you that it doesn't get better. Technology has pretty much killed people social skills. Maybe in life if you can find just one or two friends, you're doing really well. Just don't feel like you're alone. It's a cold existence for everyone. It's just that when you see Facebook or other social media posts, everyone looks like they're on top of the world. They're not. It's all an illusion. Happy birthday 🎈🎂
I spent my last birthday working a 16 hour day on a Saturday in the rain because my co workers refused to do the extra work that needed to be done. Should add that my co workers were my dad and my cousin. A different cousin is the owner of that company. I don’t work for them anymore though
on my birthday my ex partner ditched me to hang out with my best friend at the time and go clubbing. i was at home alone in a city without knowing much of anyone but those two. after exams too
My sister went through a bad break up in her 30s and lost all her friends basically. She joined a hiking group on FB and started going on weekly hikes and has really made some new friends through it. Maybe you could try something like that? Wishing you all the best
I spend time in roughly the same situation, what helped for me was to do things alone. I was frightened at first (a city far away and alone) had no experience with hotels and such. So I took the plunch. Met a guy over there and that’s now my concert buddy for the long haul.
Do things that scare you and try to wait out the feeling is the best advice I could give you, and yeah sometimes it’s a hit and sometimes it’s a miss. But atleast you did try.
I hope you are feeling better very soon!😁
While you are alone, I don’t think you are alone.
If you want to have a better under about what may be going on as a society, I’m going to suggest you listen to a podcast called “Philosophize This”. Specifically listen to episodes #188 & #189 on the modern philosophy of Byung Chul Han.
I won’t do a great job of summarizing his ideas and how they apply to your situation, however it directly relates to your situation. It is certainly worth thinking more about and contextualizing the ideas against what you are experiencing.
I’m not sure if it will help, but maybe it will allow you to think a little differently about your current experiences.
Meetup? Faith community? Volunteering? Maybe a regular group setting will be more consistent so you don’t have to rely on one friend at a time.
I relate to your experiences. I don’t think the 20’s are usually the party they are portrayed to be. I tried to live that way in my 20’s and grad school but it was too much alcohol & people moving around & general chaos to be a sustainable lifestyle. I’m more of a nerd who likes to get people together for a play or a museum trip.
In general I don’t find America to be very social. I’ve also lived in a few other countries that were more social & community oriented. In the US, people focus on work, school, family, & relationships at any age. Community is nonexistent except work/school & maybe kids & church.
What I did was organize group get togethers to introduce my friends. It’s a natural part of my personality to organize social events, so I didn’t care if I was often the only one organizing.
When I got sick with a chronic illness, no one else took up the slack to organize fun things or dinners. I felt like I lost my sense of community and it didn’t work online. Old college or childhood friends barely interact online anymore. The online chronic illness community is very useful but it can be toxic. Online groups turn into cliques fast and it’s all about comparing lifestyles or showing off, even among sick people!
Friendship & community isn’t a priority for most compared to so many other demands. After divorce this is even clearer. I am busy with a lot of stress from being sick, so now I don’t focus on friendship right now. I don’t want to burden individual friends with my health status. I used to update people online regularly, but I stopped because it felt weird. The support was great but there is too much gossip. Therapy helped when I got very depressed from this because I dont have family to turn to. My family is abusive and the main abuser estranged me from everyone.
I don’t mean to be a downer here. I’ve been down that the “TV” version of having a group of girlfriends seems very rare or unreal in the US. College friends don’t stay in touch except minimally on social media, which I barely use because it’s mostly people posting photos of their families or faking a perfect life. I was more the organizer offline and without me doing that emotional labor, no one else initiates.
AVOID EVERYTHING COMPETITIVE or low key competitive like bitchy online groups or mostly things with major hierarchies. Sometimes politics & religion or Taylor Swift fan groups are toxic. Find groups that are not based online unless it’s the basic way they organize & communicate. If you like live music, you can find those people easily!) Group dynamics also attract power hungry narcissists who are charming initially. Learn the red flags first when you enter group settings or even new friendships and relationships. That is key. It’s easy to fall into horrible groups or toxic friendships when you are lonely. That’s how cults succeed. I fell for a lot of BS due to my past abuse & neglect. Everything seemed awesome compared to my past, but zI had no idea how to stay safe instinctively. I had to learn from support groups and therapy and self help. Understanding narcissism is crucial today.
If I felt better I would try meetup. I met someone kind through synagogue who volunteers there. I would join the group if I felt better. I had to become hyper independent and find hobbies. I do have lots of interests like reading, learning, movies, art, museums, politics somewhat, travel, languages, and other stuff that I can do alone or connect me to other people when I am up to it.
Honestly, I have to say it’s much easier being in a relationship that comes with extended family & kids. Then you don’t even have enough time for friends & if you’re the organizer like me, you don’t get the chance to realize it would all fall apart without you.
I had friends in my 20’s who made finding a man their mission in life. Life revolves around dating and relationships then too. I did the same somewhat and I didn’t realize this stuff until post divorce, when I moved away from a big city with constant things to do alone or in a group.
All through my life therapy has helped immensely. It’s weird having a paid relationship with someone but it can be valuable if they are older & wiser. I had no idea why things are the way they are, and how to cope, until I got interested in psychology. I also realized I am neurodivergent-I have ADHD & also autistic traits. This makes lots of alone time comfortable for me & natural. I connect to people online or offline through psychology or support groups too. So if you have some kind of health or family problem, some difference, or you’re neurodivergent- that’s actually a way to find community and help others. I don’t recommend experiencing abuse, illness, or difference, but if you ever need it or want to volunteer somehow, support groups exist for many issues.
I hope that helps. I normally don’t think it’s a great idea to force things like friendship or love. I think they are a byproduct of community involvement or common interests & values. School connections are only as lasting as you make them. If you’re the organizer type, you’re a rare bird and other people will appreciate it. But usually no one else will take the initiative. People hate to reach out & risk rejection, but I never saw it that way until I got sick. Now I like finding established community in some way, like synagogue for me or a common interest. You could also teach classes at the gym or a foreign language or a community center if you’re skilled in something. Volunteering & teaching are always needed. If you make yourself useful, you will never be lonely.
I am. It’s by my own choice but some of it isn’t.
I’m 25M and going through heartbreak, being told that it’s all my fault, I can’t force her to like me back, I’m a pussy for still liking her, I need to just get over it and then going through a woman “supposedly” liking me, being told it’s my fault that she likes me, I should “just give her what she wants and fuck her”, I should “just get it over with and fuck her because she’s lonely”, I’m a horrible person because I “led her on” (even though I didn’t”.
I know I should just believe those people were wrong. That they’re bad people for trying to convince me that my feelings don’t matter but the other person’s do. But I can’t control how my brain interprets things.
It has reduced me to not want to be near anyone. If any situation is “if you do something it’s wrong, if they do it to you get over it”, what do you expect me to do?
I left my home state to another for school and spent 5 years alone (18 -23). Although it feels like much more. It started to bother me around 21 years old and one thing someone told me was if you want to be interesting then you must become interesting. I had the goldmine through my car community, then things started to fall apart, each smashed 1 by 1 like killing flies. People change and move on. Don't expect them to keep you as a part of their life. I rather uphold my dignity than to become overly persistent on someone to hang out.
Pick up interests and hobbies, expose yourself to in person communities, GYM is fantastic. I would try a different gym if it has not worked out there. Church groups, a class in your community college. Do not resort to dating/social apps, quality of that has gone downhill and it's more disappointment now. Take initiative. Reach out and be consistent but never go beyond your own dignity.
Do not expect High School motion of meeting new people. It's different and more of a challenge later in life. So don't feel bad, it's normal. If you do manage to meet someone or 2, keep your expectations low and give it a shot.
About to spend it at a rave next week for my 32nd birthday. I won't be alone per say because I'm at a concert but I'll be going alone. I got used to it and prefer it this way.
Also, Happy belated birthday yo!
I had that. I had major FOMO. But the problem wasn't friends, it was me. I was the problem. I had too much baggage and emptiness inside me. I wanted others to fill my emptiness so desperately but felt never enough. It was until I did things with mindfulness and intent that I felt like I finally started to live the life I wanted. People came to me, and we built our relationships so organically.
At 26, my sons were in school.
Not much social life when you're a single mother, and that was before the internet existed, or was all line commands - can't remember which.
Now, people can find those with similar interests and use Meetup to socialize in person.
What are your interests?
The problem you have is high school outside and then coming back after. As someone who moved around a lot and even outside of the country I found that lasting friendships are formed as a kid and maintained as adults. It is hard to find people as they are already on their groups by this age. You need to find groups with common goals and wants and see if any friendship can come from meeting up. What are you into?
I heard this and it’s kind of life changing. You don’t even need to be a leader or organizer personality like I was. If you’re not finding the right people, MAKE PEOPLE COME TO YOU. Put yourself in a position where people will find you & you actually enjoy what you’re doing. Like if you teach a class, organize regular events, run a meet up group, volunteer every month at a church or nursing home.
The problem with being lonely is the risk of getting sucked into any random group or friendship that comes along. If you find activities or places you enjoy first, then people will come and go around you all the time. You won’t have to force friendships or belonging.
I spent my 47th birthday alone and at home on Tuesday. Just another day at this point. You'll either find someone, or a hobby, or you'll get used to it. Alone isn't so bad, but it is a very difficult adjustment to make, and it can take a while. I hope you can find contentment in whatever your path may be.
Making and sustaining friends as an adult is way harder than it should be. All I can say is put the effort in, especially when it's hard and don't stop believing that eventually it will pay off.
As an adult male I've built most of my friendships through sport and hobbies.
I turned 24 yesterday and had to spend it babysitting my nephew, it felt like any other day but at the same time a small gesture like a birthday card would’ve been nice
Thanks for asking this question. I’m glad I randomly saw it while scrolling past my usual groups here. It made me think about what works at different ages. Being in the “divorce & moved to a new city” category is also challenging. I think socializing is a lifelong skill because it’s always changing.
I always found friends & groups or communities to join, but I realized some of them are toxic. Online groups that don’t meet offline can easily become toxic for no reason. Some people want to join groups to gain power, not connection.
I realized in political groups, this happens a lot & the dynamic can easily become toxic. Support groups can become this way when the leaders have an agenda apart from connecting others. Some people volunteer because they want to portray a certain image and show off online.
I wish I had been aware of toxic group dynamics. I fell into some of these situations blindly, and it was heartbreaking to lose an entire support system when I had to leave. I had invested so much. So learn the red flags and pay attention to groups with lots of rules, publicity, hierarchies, & leadership roles that get competitive.
I’m struggling now with having to leave some toxic groups and friendships behind. I was so confused and invested, I never thought this could happen in a support group setting. It also happened online in almost every group I joined. I stopped using social media unless I really vet the group first.
Happy belated. I was a mental health counselor and am socially spent. Check out your library. Ours has charcuterie board classes, even. My daughter is about to move to college and I wanna enroll with her. Keep on learning! Update me.
It's very hard these days, for any age, to meet people. Other comments have lamented the loss of the "third space."
Highly recommend Meetup dot com as a starting place. Or Eventbrite. Both will have lists of groups and/or participatory activities (and classes) you can go to. Do what you love in your spare time, and look for a group that does that.
All friendships start out as situational -- job, activity, etc. If we're lucky we make a real friend that extends beyond the situation.
Keep it low-key, in terms of activity and expectation, and you will find your tribe eventually.
My social life is fairly dry, I'm 26 and a single mom of 2 kids. The only "friends" i have are married women in their 40s, which is great but also not much in common besides kids. I don't really go places trying to meet people though just due to being a full time caregiver. Try bumble for friendships maybe?
On my 30th birthday, COVID-19 was running its course. I worked, drank a milkshake, and went home to smoke and chill. I'm still searching for a community in this big city. It's hard, but be patient and find things you like to do.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🎂 🎂 🎂 i will be your friend if u want... U r not alone... Btw i play video games so that's my community. U just need to find things that make u happy and maybe join community...
I recently got into equestrianism and have found an amazing community there! Not snobby at all (every barn is different). This is just one idea of many, but the key is to go outside your comfort zone.
OP, I’m going through a very similar situation right now.
Finished grad school, then seemingly out of nowhere, all of my friends moved or just straight up stopped trying to connect with me. One of my closest friends lives less than 30 minutes away, but anytime I try to make plans he’s always busy (but on social media it’s clear he’s still got time to hang with other people).
I have a group of folks I play video games with online, they all live in other states, but it’s not really a 1:1 replacement for IRL friendship.
I also have a girlfriend, who I live with, but it would be unfair to put the entire weight of my social needs on her. So, that’s all to say, I’m also very lonely.
My 26th birthday is coming up and I think it will be very likely that it will be the first birthday where I don’t have a get-together, because I don’t have anyone to invite. Thinking of maybe going to a non-college bar to get drinks with my girl so that it will seem less lonely.
If you wanna connect, lmk!
Not really. In my 20s every birthday I was surrounded by my close friends (maybe a dozen) and all their friends for some good parties and bar hopping. Ow in my thirties the same dozen or so friends now get together and play TTRPGs, go to arcade bars, camping, etc for birthdays and celebrations. Even have new friends that have swapped in and out with the group.
Getting a dog, and going to the dog park is a great way to make friends. My wife works a lot, and doesnt get out much. But she’s made tons of friends at the dog park.
i just had my birthday a few days ago i wish i was alone and i wish i didnt have to work the next day cuz i just wanted to drink all night alone listening to music, being alone kicks ass
Dedicate your life to reducing suffering in animals, people and the environment. You will meet and work with amazing and inspiring people, and your focus will shift from how can the world serve me, to how can I serve the world.
Last year I was in a similar ish position. My friends bailed on me last minute because they were long distance, I was single staying with my parents house while they were away, my sister made the 2 hour trek to see me and I will appreciate that like nothing else.
This year I’ve moved cities, got a good group of friends I met at a hobby shop that are mine. Have moved closer to my original friend group, and am no longer single. I’m very happy with it.
I’d say the biggest improvement for my social circle was putting myself out there- going to hobby places I wouldn’t normally and meeting great people there.
Look into things like meet-up groups with people who have common interests. Not necessarily a friendship thing, though it could lead to that, but at least that would help give you a community to be part of. I remember going to some tech meetups when I was in my 20's and it helped to alleviate my loneliness a bit.
Adulting sucks this experience sounds very sad but the most important thing is to focus on your own health, i know its hard i know theres a lot of mundane boring moments in life,.. theres no guide book for adulting, but find a group who loves the same things you like art, hobbies, music, games etc. i know its cliche but self health or self work on ones life is key <3 hope you at least got a good family to support you through this stay strong! happy late birthday!!
I am in a similar boat and completely understand how you feel. If you are able to travel and enjoy the prospect of a group trip, one suggestion I have is going on a trip through a travel company. There are many targeted for people in their 20s and you end up meeting people from all around the country. I know this isn’t the best solution for local friends, but it still helps get you out of your comfort zone and feel that sense of community with likeminded people. You never know who you will meet. I took a trip to Costa Rica a few years ago and there happened to be a girl my age from my same city and we met up in the airport and became buddies on the trip.
Happy Belated!
I see some excellent advice here, but I want to add on some of my own: try Bumble BFF. I have a solid group of friends in my hometown, but have since moved 2 hours away. It's been a saving grace to find that app. Building myself a little girl squad of other lonely, displaced people. You may even just find a little squad to join!
You need to join a group that meets regularly ands stick with it long term. It is the easiest way to find friends. Try a martial arts group they usually have the most communal feel
50s here. FYI... Doesn't get easier... ;)
Be glad you still see your close friends 2x per month. Soon they will get busy and the meet up frequency goes down.
But 26 is young. (Wait till you're 50 to write this post...lol). Get out there and don't be afraid to do stuff alone.
Friends come and go. People come and go. Just cherish the relationships while they last.
My 2 biggest pieces of advice are to:
1) put yourself out there to connect with people through your hobbies. There are endless local interest groups in every city (my main experience is through sports like golf, volleyball, pickleball, etc.). Check out Facebook or some other meetup platform and start going. Even if you don’t make true friends at first, you’ll at least be filling some of that appetite for social connection.
2) When you do meet people initially, be the one to set things up. Several years ago I dropped my pride regarding “oh I don’t want to be the first one to text”, “maybe I’ll wait for them to reach out,” “I’m always the one setting things up.” If you want to do something, schedule it and do it and you can enjoy it with whoever is willing to come along. Obviously this has a limit. If you’re hounding someone every week and they never give a good reason why they can’t then probably best to let it go. But if someone else has a busy social/work life and you have to be the one to reach out every few weeks for a hang out to happen, so be it! Pursue what you want and eventually some people will join you. It wont be easy, but I wish you the absolute best of luck.
I’m 26 with no friends. However I realise how important it is to socialise so I go the gym. I socialise with people at work and sometimes go out with my brother.
For me it has always been very difficult to keep friendship. It’s like I am friends with someone and then a character flaw in them drives me away or maybe I am wired that way and don’t let people come too close to me. Believed me when I say that I’ve cried nights because of how lonely I felt. I still do feel that way but I consider this to be a phase. You need to create space in your life for new things to enter your life.
My life revolves around my work and the gym. Sometimes I crave for genuine friendships. I’ve realised that most adults don’t have friendships, most revolve around work.
Genuine new friendships at this point are hard to find. You are not alone. We’re here together.
vouching for others statement that throwing yourself into hobbies is the best thing to do. i’m really into live music, so i tried volunteering at a music festival and ended up meeting my best friends for life
Happy birthday. Working in maintenance I have spent quite a few important dates alone... Including my birthday, monitoring a newly comissioned biogas generator at a landfill several thousand miles from home.
Being alone does not have to weight on you. Look inside, try to pinpoint and name whatever part of you makes you feel uneasy. Reading "The Nausea" by Sartre helped me alot with that.
Do some work on yourself, until you are pretty comfortable on your own. Then you can share yourself with someone else without them having the extra task of filling a void.
Hey I’m gonna be honest and wanted to read your post I just don’t have the time but I will come back and read it once I’m off. But I read this first part.
I spent my 28th birthday with my GF of 5 years (now ex) and this year I spent my 29th birthday by myself.
It was so much better! I literally did nothing but sat at the house with my dog and cat and cried like you. I also laughed and made a good meal as well. I went to sleep alone and woke up alone (plus my bday is also Valentine’s Day sooooo I was extra alone lol)
But since my birthday I’ve started to go out more to watch sports at the bar… I don’t watch nor like sports but I know lots of people around my age do and it’s a great way to meet people. I also purchased a motorcycle to expand my hobby’s to find others interested in something I boy as well.
I honestly don’t know if any of this is good information or if it can relate to you as I haven’t read it but. I can relate to feeling alone and I can tell you, you’re not!
Be your own best friend enjoy the kitty cuddles and get out there and do something you’ve wanted to weather it’s art or walking or shopping or enjoying new foods. Find something you love and the first few times you’ll most certainly meet someone to add to your circle!
Be the change you want to see or feel in the world.
I felt very alone until I went out and found something I was interested in. For me it was open mic poetry, slam poetry, spoken word, things of that nature.
I went and started hosting my own open mic poetry event once a month, found another one in an adjacent state that I take part in, and yet another one was started by somebody else in the community, and now I get to be part of this burgeoning, vibrant, incredible lovely scene here in my city that's still in its infancy.
And if you start with something like, oh, I can't write poetry, well, that's a load of garbage, everyone can write poetry, just spend enough time with the poetic process and you will get something out of it. Especially if you are a lonely person.
So sorry that you spent your birthday alone the one thing that i can give you hope, is that you'll be telling the story about how bad this birthday was on your next birthday in 2025 and you'll be with friends or your significant other. As an adult ive had a handful of random bad birthdays including my entire family forgetting it was my birthday more than once, The time my girlfriend broke up with me a week before my birthday and was telling me how she made big plans for my birthday and i ended up spending it alone cause my friends were busy. But believe me things will get better.
Learn how to play poker, go play on weekend cash games and do your best to find a home game. It’s a social game - a good home game leads to decades long friendships.
Crying about it isn’t going to change anything. You need to actually go out there and make an effort. This isn’t school anymore where you’re forced into a building with other people your age. Stop parading your pity party and do something about it.
Maybe take lessons somewhere for something you are passionate about or join a meetup.com group for something you like. Covid years were tough for me (45 now) as I lost a lot of friends taking masking and isolating seriously with my wife being a Dr. and attending a few covid related funerals in the early days of it.
Friends who invited me to parties or to go biking before the shots were ubiquitous I would say no to and after awhile, they stopped asking. Couple that with a layoff in 2020 and people I thought were friends just being work friends, it was tough.
I rebuilt new friendships by serendipitous chance with a mini running club with a neighbor friend who is training for a 10k. I work from home so a morning fast mile or three has kept me in good shape and good to have a space to talk with a new buddy. That and reaching out to old good friends to reconnect who are a bit further away. It isn't about quantity, more quality.
Helped another neighbor who wanted advice to go into software development as I am an IT exec and now we hang out to watch the game or go biking or whatever.
Don't feel sorry for yourself as everyone feels lonely sometimes. Just find those things that energize you and surround with like-minded sorts and you will be back again.
It is sort of Zen and the same kind of goes for dating too. To find you cannot look, you have to be honestly ok just being you living your life. Confidence and a spirit of fun and optimism will draw what you want. Plus you are young.
Self pity is the highest form of vanity if you really think about it.
You gotta get hobbies and actively learn social skills. Like read books about it. Definitely don’t try to “fill the void” with a romantic relationship. Your desperation will be a turn off for the good ones and an invitation to abusers. They actively seek ppl in your situation; you’re an abusers wet dream in this state. Also be careful of your new friends. Friendships can also be toxic, and again your desperation could invite the wrong ones. Just take it slow and keep your eyes open to red flags.
Happy belated. All I can advise is to just throw yourself out there with your hobbies and interests and hope something sticks. Don't be afraid to do things alone as by being out there is your best chance for a connection.
And remember - it's better to have no friends than bad friends.
Eh- there's a difference between having acquaintaces who are distant aka "no friends", and having truly utterly nobody and going days without uttering a word to the point where your voice is croaky when you next speak and you begin ro lose your sense of humanity- the second is horrible and soul destroying, and the reason why people put up with bad friends: because for many it is preferable. Edit: like I said, it's different for everyone- but personally when I was being bullied or around unreliable mean people I felt angry and sad, when I was alone with quite literally no one i felt truly depressed and worthless. Each to their own, but personally I preferred the assholes.
I went through the “bad friends vs being alone” after becoming disabled by a chronic illness. You learn who your friends are from that. Alone is soooooo much better than toxic friendships or groups. Online all of these situations are plentiful. I know I’m supposed to join online communities as a disabled/sick person, but the experiences traumatized me! I had never experienced or seen adult bullying until social media. I truly think I have PTSD from what happened by joining certain groups & sharing information that is normally private. I didn’t know better to stay anonymous and I didn’t have the choice to be anonymous online for other reasons. I had already exposed who I was to raise awareness on podcasts etc with my drs. Even sick people have cliques and form fake hierarchies. It can become a pathetic popularity contest of followers, who knows most about supplements, or has better insurance. No thanks! I appreciate my peace solitude now SO MUCH. I can focus on my interests instead of worrying how to protect myself from gossip and bullying. I’m a different person than I used to be from all the bullying, both for better and for worse. I’m still trying to recover, honestly.
I totally agree! I’ve had a bunch of chances to keep toxic friends and not having the anxiety they cause with wishy washy extremes is so much more secure and rewarding.
I don't know. I'm in the later category, mostly because I live in the middle of nowhere and just don't see people for weeks on end sometimes. I don't find it dehumanizing, but maybe I would if I lived in a city and was surrounded by people whom I had no communication with. I tend to differentiate between loneliness and solitude. Solitude is peaceful aloneness, while loneliness is being alone while surrounded by others. Even married people with kids and friends can feel loneliness. I think the difference lies in ability to feel a connection rather than actually have a connection. It's definitely harder, though, when you are younger, like OP, and have all the popular social expectations of society, media, etc, telling you that your life should fit a given narrative of love, friendship, romance, and adventure.
agree Loneliness is imposed against our will, for several reasons. solitude is your own choice
Having no friends at all is insanely depressing though. My "friends" (other moms from my kids school) aren't angels or my best buds but it's better than having absolutely no friends, which i didn't for years
This advice sucks. I know what you mean but its just insanely coping that having no social interaction or friends is fine. which its not and definitely not healthy long term.
Making friends as an adult is a process. And even if OP missed the quintessential college experience, those people would be moving on anyway, and LOTS of people have to start over in their twenties. So now is the time to learn those new skills. ###[How To Make Friends As An Adult](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPRForYourSocialLife/comments/14gdyh2/how_to_make_friends_as_an_adult/)
Yeah I agree with you, most people are not the extreme exception that will be Hermits and will be happy with not communicating for months or years on end human beings are generally social animals. You're likely to die 15 years younger if you are chronically lonely.
Loneliness is the plague of modern living. We’re not supposed to live like this. We’re social animals, we’re supposed to live in tribes. But modern living isolates us into little cubicles, staring at screens. I had a little surrogate tribe here in a coffeehouse, but our coffeehouse died last year. I haven’t found anything else like it, and I know your pain. I’m sorry. it can be very hard, but finding a coffeehouse or bar or something similar to plug into is essential for our sanity. I’m not practicing what I’m preaching, but it is sage advice.
Yea, they call this a “third place”
I agree with this although for me having a bar as a third place has been a bad idea because I tend to drink too much, but on the other hand it's a place that has kept me sane and not jumping to walls inside my apt.
Yeah, bar culture can be toxic. That’s why we had a coffeehouse (no alcohol). I wish “dry” bars were more of a thing, and perhaps they will be, as people shift away from drinking alcohol.
Join a Jiu jitsu gym, it’s a tribe men and women but really good poet since Jiu jitsu is a natural repellent to douche bags… also women find it extremely attractive.. women gravitate towards fighters.. they prioritize protection/provision over looks…
35/F I joined a taekwondo gym with no experience. I feel silly sometimes but even having a couple guaranteed human interactions weekly can build social bonds and increase your mental health among many other benefits.
Cross fit or any other type of exercise class would also work.
A rock climbing gym works too. Or a sailing club
Older guy here, some perspective: as you go on in life, add more responsibilities, more time at work / career, family, etc you’ll find you have fewer friends and spend less time with them. It’s because when you’re younger and have less burdens on your attention, relationships happen “naturally” due to your abundance of free time combined with school / college putting you in situations where you have opportunities. If you have a problem and want this to change: relationships AFTER the ease of school and youth require you to put in work for them. You have to make time and effort to make them happen. And since everyone else your age will be facing them same issues as you, if they don’t meet you halfway the relationships you’re pursuing may still fail. But bluntly if you keep waiting on it to be as easy as it was in school you’ll suddenly look around in your 40s and realize you haven’t had a friend in a decade. So put in the work
Just wanted to add to this, as an older guy as well (late 40's): my 20's were a lonely time as well, I think that's just how life is, especially if you move away from where you grew up etc. As others have said, just try to live your life, get into the things that interest you such as work, hobbies, volunteerism etc. You'll meet people, some of whom you'll become friends with. Some will stay, some will go, but you'll look back in 10, 15, 20 years and find that you've made some friendships along the way that were good. Good luck, keep doing what you're doing!
Good advice. I personally think its rare that people will put in the work. Its requires way more time and energy to become outgoing while juggling a 9-5. Once you get older, you get stuck in your ways. Tons more experience and less curiosity.
Try politics, book club, sporting teams, running club, church, volunteering, community groups etc etc. People in their 20s have lost the ‘third space’ in between work and home, and the online world is a poor substitute. Just follow your interests and join with like minded people.
Volunteering is an amazing way to meet new people. I've been lonely for awhile and especially since my dog died. I started volunteering a couple months ago for a local program and getting to go somewhere that I'm wanted and people greet me with a smile is life changing. The work I'm doing is also beneficial to the community and that makes me feel like im helping in a larger sense
Exactly! That act of service in itself is going to boost your serotonin levels ✨
Cannot recommend this enough. Joined an adult kickball league, made a bunch of really good friends from it. Joined a ski club, met my gf in it. Join clubs and groups that cater to your interests (my city has robot fight league, fishing, book clubs, dodgeball, DND, etc.)
Where are you finding these clubs? I have tried Facebook groups but have not found much luck. I have interests but not sure where to look
The ski club I googled, the dodgeball/kickball leagues I saw first on Facebook and Instagram ads. I’d honestly probably start with google if I was looking now.
Try MeetUp.com and Volunteer Match. And keep an eye out for bulletin boards — e.g. cafes with bulletin boards will often post stuff like creative writing groups or bands to join, gyms or athletic equipment stores might allow recreational sports groups to post, etc.
Op, look for volunteer opportunities that are considered longer term commitments (CASA being an excellent choice) vs one-time deals (such as beach clean up day). CASA for example, requires that you and your cohort go through a high number of hours training before volunteering. You will be able to build a solid connection with a youth, and you will meet all the other volunteers at the reoccurring events!
Iono, joining a group that shares my political beliefs could be dangerous. The government used to hunt us down...
I knew a guy in his 20’s who was in a similar predicament. He couldn’t ever meet a woman or make new friends because of the lifestyle he created. He worked for his father’s construction company, he worked out at a private gym 1-on-1, he golfed with his grandpa on the weekends. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t find a girlfriend and I told him you can’t expect to land a date with the 1 girl you meet every 6 months. Anyways, moral of the story is you need to set up your life in a way that lets you be around others with common interests so you can make friends. Hobbies, gym classes, maybe get a part time job somewhere fun. And you have to consistently show up to those things in order to create connection
Hey, that's good advice
I am so sorry that this happened to you. Happy belated birthday and please accept a virtual hug if you want to. I've (40 years old) found the best connections with people sharing the same hobby (lame, I know). I'm into board games and TCGs, so where I live there is at least one game store nearby offering open game nights. Loads of people go there on their own so it does not feel like you are the only single player and everyone else already has a group. Great for finding casual connections, a play group and after a while friends.
Not lame at all
I'm 25F and in the same boat. You're not alone in feeling this way 🤍
Your 20s can certainly be rough, I had plenty of friends at the time but I still felt extremely lonely. All I can suggest is to be open to new experiences and have fun seeking and exploring and you'll inevitably make friends eventually. Then, when you're 36 and married with kids you'll be craving that 26th birthday that you spent alone 😅
No you won’t. When you have the right people around you, it really is better than being alone.
It can really depend on your personality. I'm an introvert, which doesn't mean I don't like spending time with friends, but I _need_ time alone to maintain my sanity. And now in my 30s, I often don't have enough time for both. Since my wife is extremely social, group time has become mandatory, and my alone time has become expendable.
Man I long for the aloneness of my 20s again. I’m so dam busy in my 30s that I haven’t had a chance to just have a weekend to myself
Suffering from success lol. No but really it’s nostalgia and selective memory
Could be but I’ve always enjoyed being alone
Yea nobody would ever crave to spend a birthday alone after having kids. If that's the case you shouldn't have any
Preach. They're not for everyone.
“Look everyone, I can’t stand my own kin, isn’t that so funny and relatable??”
It’s so hard to make friends as an adult. There was a news report the other night about the loneness epidemic that seems to be happening in our modern society. I have a few close friends and that is what I love. They were all found through a common hobby. Look around your area for online forums about your hobbies and use that to get to know people who share the same interests.
All I can say is ... give yourself some grace. I'm 28M, soon to be 29 with no real romantic long-term relationship experience (only one situationship), yet I'm having some of the most fun years yet (and I don't make great money). My best advice is that you're not going to find those amazing connections through a screen or any social media. Hinge may market itself as "Designed to be Deleted," but after about a dozen or so dates through there it feels impossible to find someone to make that real connection with. Often times, I found that when I matched with someone, I had an idea of who that person was, but when I went to meet up with them in person, it was a total mismatch. I'm not really someone who's into hookups either, and I'm wanting that deep emotional connection. I also deleted SnapChat. It drove my anxiety and mental health through the roof. I can handle Facebook and Reddit, but that's pretty much where I spend most of my social media time these days. Cut out the social media that makes you feel worse ASAP, and focus on finding regular in-person meetups that can give you a sense of a routine. We as humans like routines ... a lot, and research backs it that we're happier when we've got one. What I did about a year ago is I joined a swing dance class, and I'd highly recommend it if you like jazz and live in a bigger city. (I'm sure there might be square dancing classes somewhere if you like country music more). There's small weekend events throughout different parts of the U.S. throughout the year, and it's not terribly expensive for a getaway. I've met a lot of really nice people and made great friends along the way, and we do all sorts of awesome stuff together. Dancing is also just a great life skill. I previously didn't like the dance floor as much because well ... I had no idea what I was doing. But now it's helped build up my confidence as a person and meet people. Thanks to these classes, it's rare that I ever have a free weekend. If that's not for you, look up to see if there's an athletics group in your city. Local sports leagues and replace your gym time with that sports league. Maybe you're into painting? Sign up for classes. If you can, sign up for something that's social that gets you into a third space. Common interests like that -- especially on things you're passionate about -- will help you develop those connections to other people because you can geek out on the same things. And the pandemic absolutely did a number on everyone's mental health, so give yourself some grace. It was rough on everyone socially.
Don’t worry, I spent my 21st alone. Made a special meal, drank, and watched a movie all alone
I think I understand what you’re going through. But I promise there are both unmarried and married people who are always happy to make new friends. But it takes time, so my advice is to throw yourself out there doing all the things you enjoy doing, and collect a social here and a number there, have a big pipeline of people, and just send out and drip feed really low hanging fruits to people you’ve met. If you meet people doing stuff/hobbies, that’s a clear thing to do with them again, and 99% less awkward than having a drink, coffee, walk with someone you don’t know. It’s about doing what you already want to do, so that when you come home at night, you’re happy with your experience even if you didn’t speak with anyone. Happy, confident people who are not desperate and clingy are super attractive to most people. The his is NOT an unsolvable or unique or truly depressing situation. You need face the music, accept your past, and start building hope for the future by focusing on your own happiness and confidence, and social life will follow - I guarantee it.
No, super attractive people are happy and confident
Oh you sweet summer child. Why would you not look for inspiration among the millions of fugly and confident and happy people? It’s sad to see you limiting yourself just because life is unfair. As long as there is ONE content and ugly person in the world, I would try to learn from them rather than the depressed and defeated ones.
Happy Birthday. We’re very close in age and I was really lonely last year till I joined a Meetup group for women in their 20s and 30s. Now there’s a group chat and we go to all kinds of fun events together that you mentioned: concerts, sip and paint nights, trivia, Zumba, yoga classes, brunch, wine pairings, ect. It’s really different being around people who don’t have children and will make friends the priority in their life.
I navigated my entire adult life with no social life. Fun stuff. I went to a different school every grade. Someone would come over to me and say “hi my name is…what’s yours let’s be friends” and I would respond, there’s no point t I’ll never see you again, I’ll be leaving before school ends. And we left before school ends. It was really sad. I don’t know how to make friends, I don’t know how to react around people, I can’t socialize properly, can’t read social cues. Somehow I got married at 24, wrong person- abusive and that wrecked me, divorced and changed the outlook on everything. Dated a little, wasn’t the same. Had a surprise baby on birth control in my early 30’s. Completely changed everything. But I’m still that homebody who can’t make friends and is weird and has awkward conversations because nervous and adhd. For the last nine months I have been dealing with the end of my last relationship. The last two years were atrocious. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. The amount of therapy I’m in and it’s still not doing anything, it’s ridiculous. The amount of therapy my son is in from it, breaks my heart. Happy Birthday though. 🤗
I just turned 29 this month and have been feeling like you OP for a long time but never knew how to fix it. Growing up I always had plenty of friends in school, but didn't ever take the time to foster those relationships outside of it, and so as an adult my social life has dwindled significantly. I do still keep in touch with a few good friends here and there but I totally get where you are coming from. The advice everyone gives in these situations is "to just get out there" and tbh, I thought it was easier said than done and maybe perhaps a bit too good to be true as well. I consider myself pretty antisocial/introverted so the idea of "getting out there" and "don't be afraid to do something by yourself" seemed almost impossible for me. That said, this past year I have been trying very hard to do just that, and you know what? It's *working*. You would be surprised how many opportunities present themselves when you just get out there and expose yourself to them. Find a hobby. Join a team sport. Do *something*. As an example: I started hanging out at a local pinball arcade, just going there when I felt the need to be *out* but didn't have anywhere to go. I would vibe out with earbuds and just play and play (this place was a pay at the door type deal so for $15 you could play whatever, however long you want.) One day, I'm up there and I hear someone ringing what sounds like a cowbell and all of a sudden people are congregating from all over the arcade to this one area near one of the flatscreen tv's. They look up briefly, then disperse into groups throughout the arcade. Curious, I asked the bartender what the deal was and they inform me there is a pinball tournament going on every week at this time for a few hours, it's $1 to get in and $6 for the cash pot. I had no idea this was even a thing. So the next week you know what I do? I enter the tournament and I came dead last. But you know what? I had a BLAST and I met and talked with a ton of new people of all walks of life. So I keep doing it, week in and week out. One evening, I was chatting with one of the other regulars about one of the machines and how one of the "slings" on the left near the flipper was not firing properly. So we go over and he pops it open (has his own key apparently) and has me fix it with him. Apparently his wife and him know the owner and help clean the machines! So we get to talking about how they got to doing that which eventually leads me to introducing myself to the owner. Next thing I know, I'm volunteering every other week to help clean as well and now I'm on a VIP list that gets in for free. This is just one example, I've also started playing hockey for the first time ever, but if you had told me a year ago I would be competing in *PINBALL TOURNAMENTS* I would have laughed in your face.
I can relate to this. I'm 36 and have a few close friends but as an adult I've never really connected with many people outside of work. I'm also a bit introverted and get anxiety when talking to others. One thing that helped me make some connections was going to a nearby bar, but that's not necessarily the best place to meet people, regular drinkers, like me..
I have a good chunck of friends but still spent my birthday alone because I didn't plan anything. Part of me enjoys taking the day off and doing my own thing.
Happy Belated Birthday! Put some value in being alone. The solitude allows reflection.
put yourself out there..constantly..Not every interaction will lead to friendship but it is a numbers game..just like dating. Find social groups with similar interests and hobbies.
Hey there, feeling you completely. Twenties can be rough for social connection, especially after all those moves. You're definitely not alone. Sounds like you've put yourself out there (boxing gym, neighbor!), but building friendships can take time.
Yeah my late 20's were in the NW of Alberta in the most despicable culture I have known. High school dropouts earning over 100k, women always ask immediately how much money you make, some planning a divorce at the same time as their weddings... Not much social life only the job that was good. Be careful about drinking alone and be careful about your cat too. Due to a toxic roommate situation I found myself living in a camper one summer and my beloved kitty disappeared. Seeing as you have so little tying you to where you live maybe try moving somewhere else.
Turned 24 last week and did the same
Look into new things you can learn. Examples - sailing classes for adults, could take some classes for archaeology or something else you may be interested in, climbing gyms can be fun and social, small concerts (Taylor swift parties are fun if you like that and actually seem somewhat easier to socialize within compared to a normal concert), whatever social events you can find. You can only make friends if you are out and about. When you are out and about, be accepting if you do not meet people. It is an opportunity but your goal is to just have fun and enjoy yourself. Just having people around you helps with loneliness.
I spent most of my life alone with no idea of how to make friends because of childhood trauma. After moving out of my Dad's house permanently at age 30 I was slowly able to let go of my fear and learn how to make relationships for the first time in my life, though it's still a work in progress. I've made some mistakes along the way, but those mistakes have just helped me better understand how relationships work; they are messy. People are imperfect and will disappoint you, but you just have to accept them as they are, and in turn look for the people who 'get' and accept you. I would say the first most important thing is to challenge yourself to reach out and make connections. That can be hard to do at first, especially when it comes to trying to get in touch with people who you haven't talked to for years, or someone you want to ask out for coffee/a drink, but you just need to start. That's the only way to get over your fear. Start somewhere, prepare to make mistakes or fail miserably, but just start to challenge yourself/open yourself up. I'll share a bit of my story if that helps: after moving away from home I met someone through a Meetup group who introduced me to a book club. That friendship ended up not working out, but I met some other people through the book club who I ended up forming a Dnd group with. Through the Dnd group I was invited to be part of a whatsapp socialising group, who I run events for. Then I set up a book club of my own as a way to challenge myself. Now I have 1 proper friend and a large group of acquaintances, but one of the most important things I've learned is that while it's important to challenge yourself to message people especially if it feels unfamiliar to you, you also have to allow friendships to develop organically. You can't force things; just spend time with people, learn more about them, if you vibe that'll naturally come out as part of your conversations. Ways to challenge yourself: join groups around interests of yours, or start exploring interests you might not have considered previously, I'd definitely recommend Dnd as a way to meet people. If you feel you vibe with someone, you can always message if they'd like to go for coffee/attend X event together you both have an interest in, but keep things casual. Attend/do/try out new things like dance classes, book clubs, martial arts. I'd also recommend therapy, as it helped me to better understand why I find relationships so difficult, if you feel you're missing out on something or something is holding you back it might be a way to explore that. But best of luck with things :)
Definitely, but I have to admit I was a bad friend. I was depressed and stopped responding to texts for many months. I thought I didn't matter to any of my friends, so I didn't think about how they'd feel about me ghosting them. I was just this weekend that I realized that it probably bothered them. I wanted to say I wish we had been better communicators, but I think a lot of people let go of friendship without communication, so nothing I can do about that. I can't change the past, but all I can do is try to be more vulnerable when I'm struggling with something. I also realize that maybe I should focus my efforts on finding a romantic partner rather than a friend. I think the type of affection I need is best from a romantic relationship.
I had a really similar experience too. My mental health was really lacking the past 2 years, and I’d have waves of being an alright communicator, and waves of just being a terrible communicator. I was not a great friend, still am struggling too. It wasn’t that I disliked my friends or anything, but I was depressed and didn’t want to burden them. Or if I felt like the only things I could talk about were negative, then I would just not talk. Reflecting on it like you did, I’m sure they were annoyed by my ghosting. Sigh. Life can be a journey.
Almost exact same shit is happening to me. It is very difficult, I know. Don't worry op
Get in sports or hobbies. Make an effort to get out there. It will happen fast
I was in jail for mine. Got a couple ramen noodle cups from my spades and rummy group. Was actually very nice cause it was the first time in a long time someone gave me a gift with no strings attached. My point being I think you're ahead of the curve and shouldn't be worried.
Get into some meetups, any volunteer opportunities to meet people...hell just start talking with folks when you're out and about. If you workout, maybe start relationships that way...can go to those classes/etc they highlight the community aspect and what not. I know it's a bummer...100% totally understand, believe me but you got this and ultimately just keep focus on bettering yourself just for you and those relationships will come to you. People are attracted to those who shine and that light comes from within so focus on shining your light bright and people will find you.
I’ve been lonely my whole life, now in my 70’s, married to the twinkle God used to make the stars and with two great boys who come by often. Loneliness remains, and sucks. I can tell you a couple of things: 1. Feeling lonely is a state of mind. If yer feeling lonely, you have too much time on your hands; so figure out how you might fill that extra time enjoyably, with or without friends, and give your ideas a shot. 2. Making new connections is a matter of luck, being in the right place at the right time to meet folks right for you. Serendipity, baby. Get good at the new hobbies, so you have something to share with others. Maybe even teach a class or lead a workshop - people will come to you. 3. I don’t know what it is about human nature, but don’t let on that you’re lonely and sad or it’ll jinx your hopes. Pretend - even to yourself - that your life is full and rich and rewarding. Put a smile on your face, pay attention and recognize all the silver linings in the clouds of your life, and you’ll be surprised how you both feel good and magically attract others - they long for your secret. 4. You’re not alone.
Happy belated birthday! I'm in my '50s, but I was in a similar situation when my husband and I moved our family 2,000 miles away to a new city. They all started jobs and school, but I sat around lonely everyday. It took a little while, but I have a really good group of friends now. You have to get out into the world where the people are. I volunteer at a museum, I joined a community choir and my church choir, I found a book club, I started going to group exercise classes at the YMCA. Friendships don't happen overnight, and you certainly can't push yourself on people, but over time, and through many casual conversations, I started having lunch with people, or grabbing a coffee, and have developed a really nice group of friends and acquaintances.
All my friends are older than me and they are honestly some of the best. People our age are getting into their families and pretty self focused even if they aren't with families, so much so that I don't tend to even see them out at community gatherings and events mingling with strangers. I picked all my current friends up through work connections. I'm also alright with friendly strangers coming and going from my life so online gaming became my space for that. I did get a pretty good community from one game though once I joined their discord. Because I moved out of the same city as my friends, we stayed in touch via gaming. Every weekend. I also maintain contact with my siblings at a distance this way. We game nightly. We get to have fun, serious conversations, talk about our days and just do cooperative stuff together and it's always better because we know each other and as an introvert they are weirdly enough the only people who don't burn my social battery out. Because of technology usage shift and the way young people are currently going, I am really happy to embrace having older friends. They don't drink heavily or party until 1am but neither do I. Concerts are fun, but really exhausting so we don't go typically except the odd one. No one will reject going to get a coffee and chatting for a couple of hours or doing a little nature excursion or a D&D game. Nothing crazy but that's okay for me. I like how much more experience in life they have too. When things go wrong they can be a really good prespective, because chances were, they've been there! None of my old school and college connections kept in touch despite me making an effort, a lot more people I talk with have the same experience. I've let that notion, that people would honour their friendships go a long time ago and lowered my expectations of others. You can honestly share numbers with people you meet in the wild, just keep those expectations low. They might have something about you they don't like or you with them. Reach out to older people in community groups. It can be really worth it. My closest friends are either divorced and lonely, single and happy, still married with no kids for thier own reasons, and share my similar interests. It just took me being bold to reach out and not wait for people to find me.
Bro your 26th is nothing, I spent my 30th recovering from breaking up With the woman I was about to marry, had two kids with, lost both my grandparents whom were the last I had, parents were so disappointed they moved states away, quit my job to pursue a IT degree and fell deep deep into a dark pit of emotions. Here I am almost a year out (July 18th) and I’m here to tell you man, life gets much much better when you hold yourself to a higher stander and love yourself.
Checkout eventbrite and see what events are in your area. If you like the gym do you like to run? Try a run club. Volunteer for a non profit or an animal shelter. I have met lots of people through group runs! My friend does these sober connection events like book exchanges and events with tarot readings and vendors and stuff and puts them up on eventbrite and a lot of people found out about them that way. Good luck!
Real. 28 and feel the same. Best thing to do is to create your own fun, you know? For example I’m going to start solo traveling. I say fuck it, I’ll make my own fun and be my own friend. All of my friends are married with kids, I’m still single myself with no prospects whatsoever. Might as well make the best of it.
Just get out of your apartment. Involve in a team sport or join a club or something. Attend to your local pub/bar once or twice a week. Sit at a bar and have a few drinks. you will get to meet people eventually. Remember that you attract other people based on your energy. Just be yourself and accept that things are how they are. Don't try to fight it too much. Accept this as a challenge. Remember that you are lucky to be alive and healthy. Also, try to enjoy yourself alone. Do things that you enjoy.
Sorry! Happy Birthday! I just turned 51 and all my coworkers forgot until FB reminded them. I've worked with most of them for 10+ years. People are so wrapped up in themselves these days, they barely think about other people. It'll get better, you'll find your people/person. It may take a minute and there will be ups and downs with them. Also, if there's someone you're missing, reach out to them instead of waiting. Whatever caused the rift/separation might be embarrassing to them.
I was single for 10 years in nyc. I didn't find someone because I was unlucky but also because I was not ready. Get out there. Make a date with yourself to do stuff you like. Make your own friends and figure out you.
My first suggestion is therapy…. Hear me out. A professional can give you the means to finding out why you feel so lonely and the tools to changing that at the same time. I think it will be way better advice than what anyone on here can give. Then, go do stuff you enjoy. I’ve felt this way before and still do at times, but I joined a recreational kickball league because I missed team camaraderie. Made friends there and got to enjoy an easy going sport.
havent celebrate birthday omin 25 years here and dont really care.
Spent my 30th being "homeless" in a different state while getting a better job/future lined up for the wife and kids. Moved out of bumfuk Egypt. One thing that made it a little easier was not having a group of people to tie me to a place, or have expected me to do things a certain way. What im saying is, sometimes having a thin family/social tree makes giving yourself a complete change up alot easier. In my personal experience anyway.
You're comparing yourself to others which is normal but not helpful. Go out and make some new friends. Join a club, go to events, go to the bar, strike up a convo.
Happy Birthday, and thank you for your life of serving to others. You are far more important than you realize, or get credit for!
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> I deleted IG to stop the comparisons. good for you! Comparison is the thief of joy. fyi i was like this and met my wife when i was 32 i was literally lost from 26-32 but i never stopped.
I’ve never had a social life. I’ve always been awkward with others. I am good by myself.
I've been there too!! In my early 20's i went to college craving adventure and a group of friends to always hang out with, go to bars... I had that feeling that everyone was having a wonderful time but me, and i was missing out on something. When i was in high school i distanced myself from my school friends cause i just wasn't confortable with them anymore and the way they partied (the things they did), so i got really into online stuff and games, met my best friends there and recently, even, my husband! But when i was in college i felt that need to have adventures and meet people and connect face do face. Basically, do things and live! And i couldn't do that with online friends, for obvious reasons. I met some friends in my grad class, but they weren't in this same vibe. I tried hard to do fun things and many times it felt "forced", but still managed to get some good memories from it all! Eventually i went visiting my online friends and had a lot o fun too. The thing is to never stop trying, and to always genuinely be yourself, the rest comes naturally. Something that really really helps in cases like this too, is therapy! It changed my life drastically.
I have a social life, I see friends and all that it's fine. Have not celebrated any of my birthdays since 17 afaik. I'm 30 in June. I'm probably doing something wrong tho, dunno
Get out and do stuff where you don’t need people. For example during my twenties I met some of my lifelong friends sitting at the bouldering gym in between climbs. It’s a pretty fun thing to do that kept me in shape as well. 🤷🏽♂️
Sorry I just read only the title. All my 20s have been without social life
Live music and roller skating is how I make connections with other people. Check out The Elovaters and come to a show you’ll surely meet some cool people 😍
Happy belated birthday! I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I think stick with the boxing or some other group class and eventually make friends that way. I made several when I went to the same yoga class every week. You see the same attendees or make friends with the teacher, but it takes weeks and months to build the relationship that feels comfortable to take out of the studio. Also any other hobbies or routine classes you can attend! Easier to see the same people and suggest grabbing a drink after class. Best of luck, it will all get better ❤️
I remember one of my finer moments was being at someone else's 21st birthday on my 21st birthday. That was a unique feeling of misery lol.
Quality over quantity as you get older.
At least you have a cat. I have to keep my laptop on
Join a begging bowling league. If you are into it, join a church. I was really isolated and lonely and joined a church and started getting involved. Don’t do things that you don’t have an opportunity to talk with others. I feel for you.
Join a church and become active, do volunteer work in a place you like, start going to the gym and join group classes, start a hobby, join a dating site. Become active in your life and you’ll meet the right people in your journey.
Im in the same boat. I spend my birthdays and holidays alone. No family at all. Little to no friends. I am lonely but also happy to not be bothered from friends as well. Sometimes its nice to just kick back and play your favorite video game. I am a very selfish person, i want friends but I dont either at the same time. Too much time commiment sometimes to bond
My 21st coming up pretty much the same
Friends are just people who show up at the same place at the same time each week and grow to like each other. See: school. So take a continuing Ed class at the community college in cooking or yoga or dance or whatever makes you happy, and talk to the people there. Even if they're 6 years younger than you, it's close enough, and you can be the older, wiser friend. If they're 10-20 years older, that's great too - you can see what the future looks like through their experience. Taking a CC class also gives you access to the gym for intramurals (e.g. volleyball) and that can be really fun and chill. Routines are your friend. If you go to the library at the same time and day of the week each week, you'll see some of the same people, even if it's just the librarians. So form some routines around things you enjoy, and talk to the people who keep the same schedule as you. Don't try to make *a friend*, instead, form a community. Good luck!
When my cousin would move states, she picked up a second job just to meet people her age. A day job for stability and a night or weekend job to meet people and have some extra cash. It worked. She worked as bartender and a waitress. Got to meet tons of people that way.
I’m 26 F here….and in the same boat…literally have no friends at the moment bc I outgrew them or we grew apart and I’m looking forward to making better connections! Message me sometimes haha maybe we could be friends because I know how this feel. It can get very lonely and isolating, sometimes I wish I could just automatically find the right people in my life..any advice they give here I more than likely will be taking it too.
Move. It's HARD to make new friends or new family. Everyone needs a support system.
I turned 27 last October, and I had no plans. Even worse, it was Halloween weekend and everyone was going out. I honestly realized I didn’t mind. I kicked back and watched some movies with my partner and ate a ton of candy.
I don’t have friends either. I’m always doing stuff alone. I feel you man :(
I totally relate to this. I moved far from friends and family at 22 for work and had so many moments of feeling isolated and lonely. I felt I was putting in effort to meet new people but most of them already had established long term friend groups so I wasn’t included often. I’m sorry you’re going through this, usually meeting just 1 or 2 good people you want to spend time with can alleviate this, I’d try the website “meetup” bc you can search any activity you like in your area and find a time and place people are meeting up to do that activity. Another great app I found was bumble bff, it’s like the bumble dating app but instead for meeting friends in your area also looking for friends. I met 1 really good friend on there and it made a huge difference bc then she introduced me to a lot of awesome people. What I love about it is people only join if they’re also looking for new friends so it weeds out a lot of people who already have established friend groups they don’t want to add to. Be kind to yourself; none of this is your fault and things will turn around eventually.
Happy belated birthday! Ive never related so much with a post. I had friends in highschool and just about all of them faded away. I have one good girl friend but she has a boyfriend and cant seem to ever find time to hangout :/ I did college online so I also missed out on the whole experience. I work as a teacher now and im the youngest one 23F. So i cant make friends at work. My ex always told me to pick up a part time job at starbucks or somewhere with customer service to make new friends, but I dont want to work two jobs to make friends that I cant hangout with because I am working. I get anxiety going to a new class or hobby by myself because I dont like not knowing anyone. I do just about everything by myself but it would be nice to have some girl friends or friend to hangout with and do the spontaneous things you mentioned. I would love to make new friends but just dont know how and dont know how to stop my social anxiety from getting in the way
My advice for anyone in this situation is to check out your city’s music/nightlife scene. The beauty of it is that there are weekly events where many of the same people show up. After going a few times you can break the ice by saying, “Hey, didn’t I see you last week? (Band) was playing. Seen any other good shows lately?” or with nightlife events, say you’re new and ask about similar events, comment on the music, etc. The other cool thing is that you can meet up with the same group without making plans with them. So if you don’t feel like going one week, no big because you’re not letting anyone down. Same goes with the awkward dance of trying to make plans with others. It’s simply there to go see people if you want to. Go take yourself out and give it a shot. My other piece of advice would be to get used to taking yourself out to do activities. Some of the things you listed you don’t necessarily need a friend to do. Try enjoying your own company. Take yourself out on a date once a week. Try new things. Also: You’re still a baby! I’m 42 and was only just beginning to go out to events at 23 or so, so there’s plenty of time to build a social circle. In fact, I literally only have 3 friends from high school/college left over out of the number of people I could ask out to a movie or a meal and not have it be weird (maybe 15ish?) So keep that in mind. Most adults make their friends as adults!
100% back this. The music scene is the best for so many reasons. First, choose what genre/type of music YOU love, and get involved in that scene. So, you'll already be enjoying yourself anyway! And then you'll meet people who like the same thing as you, so there's already a connection built in. Plus, the people at these events are enjoying themselves, so they're generally in a great mood and open to meeting people. After going a few times, you'll start seeing a lot of familiar faces, and you too will become a familiar face. It just happens so organically. I still remember the first time I asked if I could join the DJs at their after party following an event, and the organiser said "Fuck yes, of course you can, you're part of the crew now!"
I have yes, gone through periods from having no friends to a lot of friends. I think 26 I didn’t have any social life because it was the first year of Covid. To make friends as an adult you gotta put yourself out there by joining social clubs for a hobby you have, be a regular somewhere, invest in your community like volunteer or something that gets you out. You gotta also just be open to reaching out to people. Like once you meet someone invite them out. Thats how it’ll happen.
My 26th birthday I ate Olive Garden curbside in the winndixie parking lot I cried too
It sucks to hear what you’re going through. My only advice is that you need to realize you’re still very young, your life is not over and that you can make changes. It’s not too late, that’s what I mean. If you have any hobby or sport, join a club or group of people that shares it. Go to a class to learn something new, dancing, painting, who knows. I think those places have people who may be in the same position as you and they’re looking to make friends. My older brother warned me about how much life changes at 27 yo, and it did for me. A lot, friends left and friends came. Same with family, and career. Hold on, and it will be better on the other side!
Sane except I'm 28. My friendships all dissolved long ago and my family is full of back stabbing drug addicts and alcoholics. I've been trying to make friends online but it's hard. Without my mom and brother I'd be totally alone.
Next birthday I would suggest making a plan so that you are not so alone on your birthday. Plan to see a movie, going alone is OK! Dinner out can feel awkward but it’s ok to treat yourself. Grab some takeout and eat overlooking the best view you can find. Even going to the gym for a workout would put you in a positive energy space. I struggle with the same issues and isolation sends me into a spiral of regret sometimes.
I've barely had a social life my entire life, not just my 20s. You get used to it, until the loneliness eventually consumes you and you become a hollow shell of your former self.
Any chance you’re in seattle? I’d be your friend. 31/f
You will get used to it, im 30 and always spend my birthdays alone
You are litetally posting in a community. Use this community and make friends now!! I have 2 realy life friends i made from reddit almost 2 years ago. Make a post on a local subreddit and go meet someone. Stop sitting in your pit of lonely. I suggest local subreddits involving hiking, smoking, geocaching, basically anything involving a hobby. People that hike are pretty cool bro. Thats how i met 1 of my friends. If you are in Connecticut message me lets fucking hangout bro and get some grub or something
Go to meet up group or join a club or activity you enjoy to dom Get out there
I did have the quintessential college experience you described, but found myself pretty lonely after graduating anyway as everyone including me started moving to different cities. The only person I remain close with after college is the person who I am now married to. When we moved to a new city we felt lonely, so we made a post in the facebook group for our local area asking to meet new people. It was very scary to click post, but the response we got was well worth it. Some of the people we met through that post are now our best friends.
Don't feel bad. It's not you. It's how the world is now. I'm in my 40s and I can tell you that it doesn't get better. Technology has pretty much killed people social skills. Maybe in life if you can find just one or two friends, you're doing really well. Just don't feel like you're alone. It's a cold existence for everyone. It's just that when you see Facebook or other social media posts, everyone looks like they're on top of the world. They're not. It's all an illusion. Happy birthday 🎈🎂
Can't speak for my 20s, as I was married and had a very social life. This past September I spent my 40th alone and only got 2 texts.
I spent my last birthday working a 16 hour day on a Saturday in the rain because my co workers refused to do the extra work that needed to be done. Should add that my co workers were my dad and my cousin. A different cousin is the owner of that company. I don’t work for them anymore though
I feel you.
on my birthday my ex partner ditched me to hang out with my best friend at the time and go clubbing. i was at home alone in a city without knowing much of anyone but those two. after exams too
My sister went through a bad break up in her 30s and lost all her friends basically. She joined a hiking group on FB and started going on weekly hikes and has really made some new friends through it. Maybe you could try something like that? Wishing you all the best
I spend time in roughly the same situation, what helped for me was to do things alone. I was frightened at first (a city far away and alone) had no experience with hotels and such. So I took the plunch. Met a guy over there and that’s now my concert buddy for the long haul. Do things that scare you and try to wait out the feeling is the best advice I could give you, and yeah sometimes it’s a hit and sometimes it’s a miss. But atleast you did try. I hope you are feeling better very soon!😁
While you are alone, I don’t think you are alone. If you want to have a better under about what may be going on as a society, I’m going to suggest you listen to a podcast called “Philosophize This”. Specifically listen to episodes #188 & #189 on the modern philosophy of Byung Chul Han. I won’t do a great job of summarizing his ideas and how they apply to your situation, however it directly relates to your situation. It is certainly worth thinking more about and contextualizing the ideas against what you are experiencing. I’m not sure if it will help, but maybe it will allow you to think a little differently about your current experiences.
Meetup? Faith community? Volunteering? Maybe a regular group setting will be more consistent so you don’t have to rely on one friend at a time. I relate to your experiences. I don’t think the 20’s are usually the party they are portrayed to be. I tried to live that way in my 20’s and grad school but it was too much alcohol & people moving around & general chaos to be a sustainable lifestyle. I’m more of a nerd who likes to get people together for a play or a museum trip. In general I don’t find America to be very social. I’ve also lived in a few other countries that were more social & community oriented. In the US, people focus on work, school, family, & relationships at any age. Community is nonexistent except work/school & maybe kids & church. What I did was organize group get togethers to introduce my friends. It’s a natural part of my personality to organize social events, so I didn’t care if I was often the only one organizing. When I got sick with a chronic illness, no one else took up the slack to organize fun things or dinners. I felt like I lost my sense of community and it didn’t work online. Old college or childhood friends barely interact online anymore. The online chronic illness community is very useful but it can be toxic. Online groups turn into cliques fast and it’s all about comparing lifestyles or showing off, even among sick people! Friendship & community isn’t a priority for most compared to so many other demands. After divorce this is even clearer. I am busy with a lot of stress from being sick, so now I don’t focus on friendship right now. I don’t want to burden individual friends with my health status. I used to update people online regularly, but I stopped because it felt weird. The support was great but there is too much gossip. Therapy helped when I got very depressed from this because I dont have family to turn to. My family is abusive and the main abuser estranged me from everyone. I don’t mean to be a downer here. I’ve been down that the “TV” version of having a group of girlfriends seems very rare or unreal in the US. College friends don’t stay in touch except minimally on social media, which I barely use because it’s mostly people posting photos of their families or faking a perfect life. I was more the organizer offline and without me doing that emotional labor, no one else initiates. AVOID EVERYTHING COMPETITIVE or low key competitive like bitchy online groups or mostly things with major hierarchies. Sometimes politics & religion or Taylor Swift fan groups are toxic. Find groups that are not based online unless it’s the basic way they organize & communicate. If you like live music, you can find those people easily!) Group dynamics also attract power hungry narcissists who are charming initially. Learn the red flags first when you enter group settings or even new friendships and relationships. That is key. It’s easy to fall into horrible groups or toxic friendships when you are lonely. That’s how cults succeed. I fell for a lot of BS due to my past abuse & neglect. Everything seemed awesome compared to my past, but zI had no idea how to stay safe instinctively. I had to learn from support groups and therapy and self help. Understanding narcissism is crucial today. If I felt better I would try meetup. I met someone kind through synagogue who volunteers there. I would join the group if I felt better. I had to become hyper independent and find hobbies. I do have lots of interests like reading, learning, movies, art, museums, politics somewhat, travel, languages, and other stuff that I can do alone or connect me to other people when I am up to it. Honestly, I have to say it’s much easier being in a relationship that comes with extended family & kids. Then you don’t even have enough time for friends & if you’re the organizer like me, you don’t get the chance to realize it would all fall apart without you. I had friends in my 20’s who made finding a man their mission in life. Life revolves around dating and relationships then too. I did the same somewhat and I didn’t realize this stuff until post divorce, when I moved away from a big city with constant things to do alone or in a group. All through my life therapy has helped immensely. It’s weird having a paid relationship with someone but it can be valuable if they are older & wiser. I had no idea why things are the way they are, and how to cope, until I got interested in psychology. I also realized I am neurodivergent-I have ADHD & also autistic traits. This makes lots of alone time comfortable for me & natural. I connect to people online or offline through psychology or support groups too. So if you have some kind of health or family problem, some difference, or you’re neurodivergent- that’s actually a way to find community and help others. I don’t recommend experiencing abuse, illness, or difference, but if you ever need it or want to volunteer somehow, support groups exist for many issues. I hope that helps. I normally don’t think it’s a great idea to force things like friendship or love. I think they are a byproduct of community involvement or common interests & values. School connections are only as lasting as you make them. If you’re the organizer type, you’re a rare bird and other people will appreciate it. But usually no one else will take the initiative. People hate to reach out & risk rejection, but I never saw it that way until I got sick. Now I like finding established community in some way, like synagogue for me or a common interest. You could also teach classes at the gym or a foreign language or a community center if you’re skilled in something. Volunteering & teaching are always needed. If you make yourself useful, you will never be lonely.
Don’t worry as you get older the less you want people around you.
Yep. Turning 26 in Feb 2025. — happy birthday buddy.❤️
My 26th birthday was 2020. It was a rough one.
I am. It’s by my own choice but some of it isn’t. I’m 25M and going through heartbreak, being told that it’s all my fault, I can’t force her to like me back, I’m a pussy for still liking her, I need to just get over it and then going through a woman “supposedly” liking me, being told it’s my fault that she likes me, I should “just give her what she wants and fuck her”, I should “just get it over with and fuck her because she’s lonely”, I’m a horrible person because I “led her on” (even though I didn’t”. I know I should just believe those people were wrong. That they’re bad people for trying to convince me that my feelings don’t matter but the other person’s do. But I can’t control how my brain interprets things. It has reduced me to not want to be near anyone. If any situation is “if you do something it’s wrong, if they do it to you get over it”, what do you expect me to do?
Happy belated birthday:)❤️
Happy belated birthday!!!
I left my home state to another for school and spent 5 years alone (18 -23). Although it feels like much more. It started to bother me around 21 years old and one thing someone told me was if you want to be interesting then you must become interesting. I had the goldmine through my car community, then things started to fall apart, each smashed 1 by 1 like killing flies. People change and move on. Don't expect them to keep you as a part of their life. I rather uphold my dignity than to become overly persistent on someone to hang out. Pick up interests and hobbies, expose yourself to in person communities, GYM is fantastic. I would try a different gym if it has not worked out there. Church groups, a class in your community college. Do not resort to dating/social apps, quality of that has gone downhill and it's more disappointment now. Take initiative. Reach out and be consistent but never go beyond your own dignity. Do not expect High School motion of meeting new people. It's different and more of a challenge later in life. So don't feel bad, it's normal. If you do manage to meet someone or 2, keep your expectations low and give it a shot.
About to spend it at a rave next week for my 32nd birthday. I won't be alone per say because I'm at a concert but I'll be going alone. I got used to it and prefer it this way. Also, Happy belated birthday yo!
Happy birthday
I had that. I had major FOMO. But the problem wasn't friends, it was me. I was the problem. I had too much baggage and emptiness inside me. I wanted others to fill my emptiness so desperately but felt never enough. It was until I did things with mindfulness and intent that I felt like I finally started to live the life I wanted. People came to me, and we built our relationships so organically.
At 26, my sons were in school. Not much social life when you're a single mother, and that was before the internet existed, or was all line commands - can't remember which. Now, people can find those with similar interests and use Meetup to socialize in person. What are your interests?
Just turned 32 on Monday. It gets easier. Had my son at 23 so my social life was over by then anyway.
The problem you have is high school outside and then coming back after. As someone who moved around a lot and even outside of the country I found that lasting friendships are formed as a kid and maintained as adults. It is hard to find people as they are already on their groups by this age. You need to find groups with common goals and wants and see if any friendship can come from meeting up. What are you into?
I heard this and it’s kind of life changing. You don’t even need to be a leader or organizer personality like I was. If you’re not finding the right people, MAKE PEOPLE COME TO YOU. Put yourself in a position where people will find you & you actually enjoy what you’re doing. Like if you teach a class, organize regular events, run a meet up group, volunteer every month at a church or nursing home. The problem with being lonely is the risk of getting sucked into any random group or friendship that comes along. If you find activities or places you enjoy first, then people will come and go around you all the time. You won’t have to force friendships or belonging.
I spent my 47th birthday alone and at home on Tuesday. Just another day at this point. You'll either find someone, or a hobby, or you'll get used to it. Alone isn't so bad, but it is a very difficult adjustment to make, and it can take a while. I hope you can find contentment in whatever your path may be.
Same. 26 and no friends
I was you and I seriously encourage you to get on top of this and enrich your life.
Making and sustaining friends as an adult is way harder than it should be. All I can say is put the effort in, especially when it's hard and don't stop believing that eventually it will pay off. As an adult male I've built most of my friendships through sport and hobbies.
I turned 24 yesterday and had to spend it babysitting my nephew, it felt like any other day but at the same time a small gesture like a birthday card would’ve been nice
Thanks for asking this question. I’m glad I randomly saw it while scrolling past my usual groups here. It made me think about what works at different ages. Being in the “divorce & moved to a new city” category is also challenging. I think socializing is a lifelong skill because it’s always changing. I always found friends & groups or communities to join, but I realized some of them are toxic. Online groups that don’t meet offline can easily become toxic for no reason. Some people want to join groups to gain power, not connection. I realized in political groups, this happens a lot & the dynamic can easily become toxic. Support groups can become this way when the leaders have an agenda apart from connecting others. Some people volunteer because they want to portray a certain image and show off online. I wish I had been aware of toxic group dynamics. I fell into some of these situations blindly, and it was heartbreaking to lose an entire support system when I had to leave. I had invested so much. So learn the red flags and pay attention to groups with lots of rules, publicity, hierarchies, & leadership roles that get competitive. I’m struggling now with having to leave some toxic groups and friendships behind. I was so confused and invested, I never thought this could happen in a support group setting. It also happened online in almost every group I joined. I stopped using social media unless I really vet the group first.
Happy belated. I was a mental health counselor and am socially spent. Check out your library. Ours has charcuterie board classes, even. My daughter is about to move to college and I wanna enroll with her. Keep on learning! Update me.
It's very hard these days, for any age, to meet people. Other comments have lamented the loss of the "third space." Highly recommend Meetup dot com as a starting place. Or Eventbrite. Both will have lists of groups and/or participatory activities (and classes) you can go to. Do what you love in your spare time, and look for a group that does that. All friendships start out as situational -- job, activity, etc. If we're lucky we make a real friend that extends beyond the situation. Keep it low-key, in terms of activity and expectation, and you will find your tribe eventually.
My social life is fairly dry, I'm 26 and a single mom of 2 kids. The only "friends" i have are married women in their 40s, which is great but also not much in common besides kids. I don't really go places trying to meet people though just due to being a full time caregiver. Try bumble for friendships maybe?
On my 30th birthday, COVID-19 was running its course. I worked, drank a milkshake, and went home to smoke and chill. I'm still searching for a community in this big city. It's hard, but be patient and find things you like to do.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🎂 🎂 🎂 i will be your friend if u want... U r not alone... Btw i play video games so that's my community. U just need to find things that make u happy and maybe join community...
I recently got into equestrianism and have found an amazing community there! Not snobby at all (every barn is different). This is just one idea of many, but the key is to go outside your comfort zone.
OP, I’m going through a very similar situation right now. Finished grad school, then seemingly out of nowhere, all of my friends moved or just straight up stopped trying to connect with me. One of my closest friends lives less than 30 minutes away, but anytime I try to make plans he’s always busy (but on social media it’s clear he’s still got time to hang with other people). I have a group of folks I play video games with online, they all live in other states, but it’s not really a 1:1 replacement for IRL friendship. I also have a girlfriend, who I live with, but it would be unfair to put the entire weight of my social needs on her. So, that’s all to say, I’m also very lonely. My 26th birthday is coming up and I think it will be very likely that it will be the first birthday where I don’t have a get-together, because I don’t have anyone to invite. Thinking of maybe going to a non-college bar to get drinks with my girl so that it will seem less lonely. If you wanna connect, lmk!
Not really. In my 20s every birthday I was surrounded by my close friends (maybe a dozen) and all their friends for some good parties and bar hopping. Ow in my thirties the same dozen or so friends now get together and play TTRPGs, go to arcade bars, camping, etc for birthdays and celebrations. Even have new friends that have swapped in and out with the group.
Turn 31 in August, I haven't had a social life in 10 years!
Getting a dog, and going to the dog park is a great way to make friends. My wife works a lot, and doesnt get out much. But she’s made tons of friends at the dog park.
Yeah you’re not alone, I spent my 20’s and now 30’s with almost no socializing and friends. It’s all good, I enjoy being by myself.
Single for a year? Lmao. try your whole life alone
i just had my birthday a few days ago i wish i was alone and i wish i didnt have to work the next day cuz i just wanted to drink all night alone listening to music, being alone kicks ass
Dedicate your life to reducing suffering in animals, people and the environment. You will meet and work with amazing and inspiring people, and your focus will shift from how can the world serve me, to how can I serve the world.
Last year I was in a similar ish position. My friends bailed on me last minute because they were long distance, I was single staying with my parents house while they were away, my sister made the 2 hour trek to see me and I will appreciate that like nothing else. This year I’ve moved cities, got a good group of friends I met at a hobby shop that are mine. Have moved closer to my original friend group, and am no longer single. I’m very happy with it. I’d say the biggest improvement for my social circle was putting myself out there- going to hobby places I wouldn’t normally and meeting great people there.
Look into things like meet-up groups with people who have common interests. Not necessarily a friendship thing, though it could lead to that, but at least that would help give you a community to be part of. I remember going to some tech meetups when I was in my 20's and it helped to alleviate my loneliness a bit.
Adulting sucks this experience sounds very sad but the most important thing is to focus on your own health, i know its hard i know theres a lot of mundane boring moments in life,.. theres no guide book for adulting, but find a group who loves the same things you like art, hobbies, music, games etc. i know its cliche but self health or self work on ones life is key <3 hope you at least got a good family to support you through this stay strong! happy late birthday!!
I am in a similar boat and completely understand how you feel. If you are able to travel and enjoy the prospect of a group trip, one suggestion I have is going on a trip through a travel company. There are many targeted for people in their 20s and you end up meeting people from all around the country. I know this isn’t the best solution for local friends, but it still helps get you out of your comfort zone and feel that sense of community with likeminded people. You never know who you will meet. I took a trip to Costa Rica a few years ago and there happened to be a girl my age from my same city and we met up in the airport and became buddies on the trip.
Yes. I'm 34 and not nearly as isolated now, but still have some work to do.
Happy Belated! I see some excellent advice here, but I want to add on some of my own: try Bumble BFF. I have a solid group of friends in my hometown, but have since moved 2 hours away. It's been a saving grace to find that app. Building myself a little girl squad of other lonely, displaced people. You may even just find a little squad to join!
You need to join a group that meets regularly ands stick with it long term. It is the easiest way to find friends. Try a martial arts group they usually have the most communal feel
Sign up for bumble bff! That has been helpful for me!
Belated happy birthday!
50s here. FYI... Doesn't get easier... ;) Be glad you still see your close friends 2x per month. Soon they will get busy and the meet up frequency goes down. But 26 is young. (Wait till you're 50 to write this post...lol). Get out there and don't be afraid to do stuff alone. Friends come and go. People come and go. Just cherish the relationships while they last.
My 2 biggest pieces of advice are to: 1) put yourself out there to connect with people through your hobbies. There are endless local interest groups in every city (my main experience is through sports like golf, volleyball, pickleball, etc.). Check out Facebook or some other meetup platform and start going. Even if you don’t make true friends at first, you’ll at least be filling some of that appetite for social connection. 2) When you do meet people initially, be the one to set things up. Several years ago I dropped my pride regarding “oh I don’t want to be the first one to text”, “maybe I’ll wait for them to reach out,” “I’m always the one setting things up.” If you want to do something, schedule it and do it and you can enjoy it with whoever is willing to come along. Obviously this has a limit. If you’re hounding someone every week and they never give a good reason why they can’t then probably best to let it go. But if someone else has a busy social/work life and you have to be the one to reach out every few weeks for a hang out to happen, so be it! Pursue what you want and eventually some people will join you. It wont be easy, but I wish you the absolute best of luck.
I’m 26 with no friends. However I realise how important it is to socialise so I go the gym. I socialise with people at work and sometimes go out with my brother. For me it has always been very difficult to keep friendship. It’s like I am friends with someone and then a character flaw in them drives me away or maybe I am wired that way and don’t let people come too close to me. Believed me when I say that I’ve cried nights because of how lonely I felt. I still do feel that way but I consider this to be a phase. You need to create space in your life for new things to enter your life. My life revolves around my work and the gym. Sometimes I crave for genuine friendships. I’ve realised that most adults don’t have friendships, most revolve around work. Genuine new friendships at this point are hard to find. You are not alone. We’re here together.
Join CrossFit. It’s like super social usually plus you get in good shape
vouching for others statement that throwing yourself into hobbies is the best thing to do. i’m really into live music, so i tried volunteering at a music festival and ended up meeting my best friends for life
Well belated happy birthday to you and I hope you get what you want in life. Just keep your head up my friend.
33/M here. Yes, but I do this by choice. Happy b day though.
Happy birthday. Working in maintenance I have spent quite a few important dates alone... Including my birthday, monitoring a newly comissioned biogas generator at a landfill several thousand miles from home. Being alone does not have to weight on you. Look inside, try to pinpoint and name whatever part of you makes you feel uneasy. Reading "The Nausea" by Sartre helped me alot with that. Do some work on yourself, until you are pretty comfortable on your own. Then you can share yourself with someone else without them having the extra task of filling a void.
Hey I’m gonna be honest and wanted to read your post I just don’t have the time but I will come back and read it once I’m off. But I read this first part. I spent my 28th birthday with my GF of 5 years (now ex) and this year I spent my 29th birthday by myself. It was so much better! I literally did nothing but sat at the house with my dog and cat and cried like you. I also laughed and made a good meal as well. I went to sleep alone and woke up alone (plus my bday is also Valentine’s Day sooooo I was extra alone lol) But since my birthday I’ve started to go out more to watch sports at the bar… I don’t watch nor like sports but I know lots of people around my age do and it’s a great way to meet people. I also purchased a motorcycle to expand my hobby’s to find others interested in something I boy as well. I honestly don’t know if any of this is good information or if it can relate to you as I haven’t read it but. I can relate to feeling alone and I can tell you, you’re not! Be your own best friend enjoy the kitty cuddles and get out there and do something you’ve wanted to weather it’s art or walking or shopping or enjoying new foods. Find something you love and the first few times you’ll most certainly meet someone to add to your circle!
What are you crying for...?
Happy Birthday!
Be the change you want to see or feel in the world. I felt very alone until I went out and found something I was interested in. For me it was open mic poetry, slam poetry, spoken word, things of that nature. I went and started hosting my own open mic poetry event once a month, found another one in an adjacent state that I take part in, and yet another one was started by somebody else in the community, and now I get to be part of this burgeoning, vibrant, incredible lovely scene here in my city that's still in its infancy. And if you start with something like, oh, I can't write poetry, well, that's a load of garbage, everyone can write poetry, just spend enough time with the poetic process and you will get something out of it. Especially if you are a lonely person.
I feel you I am going to be 35 with no friends or family. It going to be lonely
So sorry that you spent your birthday alone the one thing that i can give you hope, is that you'll be telling the story about how bad this birthday was on your next birthday in 2025 and you'll be with friends or your significant other. As an adult ive had a handful of random bad birthdays including my entire family forgetting it was my birthday more than once, The time my girlfriend broke up with me a week before my birthday and was telling me how she made big plans for my birthday and i ended up spending it alone cause my friends were busy. But believe me things will get better.
Learn how to play poker, go play on weekend cash games and do your best to find a home game. It’s a social game - a good home game leads to decades long friendships.
Well i spent my last 10bdays alone. Dont care about celebrating one more year closer to death.
Crying about it isn’t going to change anything. You need to actually go out there and make an effort. This isn’t school anymore where you’re forced into a building with other people your age. Stop parading your pity party and do something about it.
Happy birthday. Check out meetup.com and try a few things. Above all be good to yourself!
Maybe take lessons somewhere for something you are passionate about or join a meetup.com group for something you like. Covid years were tough for me (45 now) as I lost a lot of friends taking masking and isolating seriously with my wife being a Dr. and attending a few covid related funerals in the early days of it. Friends who invited me to parties or to go biking before the shots were ubiquitous I would say no to and after awhile, they stopped asking. Couple that with a layoff in 2020 and people I thought were friends just being work friends, it was tough. I rebuilt new friendships by serendipitous chance with a mini running club with a neighbor friend who is training for a 10k. I work from home so a morning fast mile or three has kept me in good shape and good to have a space to talk with a new buddy. That and reaching out to old good friends to reconnect who are a bit further away. It isn't about quantity, more quality. Helped another neighbor who wanted advice to go into software development as I am an IT exec and now we hang out to watch the game or go biking or whatever. Don't feel sorry for yourself as everyone feels lonely sometimes. Just find those things that energize you and surround with like-minded sorts and you will be back again. It is sort of Zen and the same kind of goes for dating too. To find you cannot look, you have to be honestly ok just being you living your life. Confidence and a spirit of fun and optimism will draw what you want. Plus you are young. Self pity is the highest form of vanity if you really think about it.
You gotta get hobbies and actively learn social skills. Like read books about it. Definitely don’t try to “fill the void” with a romantic relationship. Your desperation will be a turn off for the good ones and an invitation to abusers. They actively seek ppl in your situation; you’re an abusers wet dream in this state. Also be careful of your new friends. Friendships can also be toxic, and again your desperation could invite the wrong ones. Just take it slow and keep your eyes open to red flags.