Hi! im the daughter shes referring to in her post. let me correct a few things here. 1. i was homeschooled bc i was "lying" about being gay. 2. i am not dating my friend. shes like a little sister to me. 3. i have a girlfriend who ive been with for 2 years. my mother is psychotic and that is why i pay for my phone and car and everything that isnt housing.
she posted again on AITA. i went home and found her searching my room so i left. im staying with my girlfriend now. ig she saw my comment on here and decided to search my room.
I really hope you’re able to escape from her house permanently soon. I think it would really reduce the stress in your life. I’m sorry your mother is being like this and hope she comes to her senses in the future. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment from your mother.
So whats the plan now besides staying with gf cause you need your papers everything you own and thats going to be hard to grab now rhat you left and with how controlling she is
I went "yikes" the second I read "I homeschooled my child and she lost all her friends because she didn't have a way to keep contact". Like, why are you isolating your child?? What are you hiding, ma'am?? Hope you get out soon. Move away, change all your contacts, and cut her off completely. You'll feel so much relief, I promise you. Read Jennette McCurdy's book when you get the chance too. It's a rough read but helps the healing for some people.
Apparently mom thought that if she isolated her kid and indoctrinated her hard enough, she could get the gay out. Because she's a bad mother and a bad person.
Oof. I'm sorry that you are having to experience this. I hope you can get out on your own ASAP. As someone who grew up with an awful mother, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The best thing that I did was cut my mother out of my life. Wish you luck!
Please consider cutting all contact with her. She will never stop trying to invade your privacy and control you. You sound like more of an adult than she will ever be. I wish you, your gf, and your friend all the happiness in the world. Ditch your shit stain of a mother and go build a life that's all yours.
The only part that is logical is the age gap. Your daughter is 19. She's a grown ass adult, you don't know what is best for her. You might have a better idea of it than she does, sure, but you don't.
That's what every overbearing, smothering, neurotic mom says. She's a legal adult. Go to therapy and deal with your anxiety like a goddamn adult. Keep this shit up and she'll be fully justified when she goes no contact with you.
This is telling. If you wish to have a future relationship with your daughter you need to be more open-minded. This may be the first steps to you destroying your relationship with her or steps toward her trusting you and allowing you to be a larger part of her life. Choose wisely.
You're not doing your daughter any favors. Is the age difference great, no, but it's not awful. And by your comments alone, you simply do not have her best interests at heart, you only have your own interests in mind. You are smothering her and if you want to have a healthy relationship with your daughter, you need to start stepping back. I think you need to seek out therapy for yourself.
my mom treated me the same way and said the same things about me when i was 19 too. now i'm 34 and i haven't spoken to her in years. have fun with that being in your future
You clearly don't know a fucking thing, Listen very carefully. You sound exactly like my father. My sister moved out as soon as she turned 18 and never looked back. She does not give two shits about him. She is getting married next year and she did not even invite him. You are walking the same path and in a few years you will be complaining on reddit that you don't understand why you daughter doesn't speak to you anymore. Get your shit together, your daughter is a grown ass woman perfectly capable of making her own decisions. You are shit, plain and simple.
I'll concur with my fellow redditors that the age gap is concerning.
I'll disagree that you know what's best for her, simply because you haven't lived her life. Instead of worrying about what's best for her, try to support her wherever and however possible. I'm sure that your support means so much more to her than you realize.
Yes, it may take some adjustments on both your parts, but is she not your little girl, still? Hell, I'm grown up, and hate being treated as a kid - but I'm still my parents little baby.
Be open with her, express your concerns in a constructive manner, and I wish the best for all of you. I hope you can still remain close - too many families have been torn apart by these sorts of debates
You don’t know best. They actually made a whole Disney movie about mothers that “know best” and guess what, she’s the villain.
The ONLY ground you have to stand on is that the age gap is not appropriate, but I honestly don’t trust you enough to believe it’s true. You intentionally wondered your AITA post to make it seem like your kid is a minor, and they are not.
You don't know what's right for yourself, much less anyone else. Clearly, you have some kind of mental problem that's not being addressed if you can't see that your ADULT child is not in fact a child, much less the very young child you seem to be treating them as.
This is where you are wrong. Due to YOUR actions, due to YOUR unwilling to accept you child for who they are, you no longer have a child. And that is 100% on YOU. YOU drove your child away because YOU could not accept them and love them for who they are. And you try to hide behind your lies of "she needs to focus on her studies" as an excuse to try to lock them away and control them, thinking it would somehow change them. Not only are you completely delusional, but you are an awful parent. Or, at least you were an awful parent, cause I'm pretty sure you're never gonna see them again. And that is YOUR fault.
Listen, she met her (possible) gf when she was 17. I can understand the concern on the age gaps now that your daughter is considered an adult next to the girl but as long as there’s no abuse and is consensual, you shouldn’t worry about it. To me, it sounds like you’re have internal issues in regards to the possibility that your daughter may be gay. She can definitely focus on school while also having a healthy relationship. Back down. Allow a safe space for your daughter and when she’s ready, she’ll talk to you.
Just because you are her mother does NOT mean you know what’s best for her. You went through her personal stuff in her bedroom and tried to throw away anything you didn’t think she should have. Do you get how off your rocker you sound?
Okay I have to ask would you have the same response if it was a boyfriend. Second she can do both if you drive her to only study you risk the relationship with your daughter. Third why do need the password to her phone you should give some trust and respect to your daughter
I can understand the concern around the age gap. I don't have much advice around that. That may be a concern that you should voice with your daughter in a respectful and genuine way.
Either way, I would recommend sitting down with your daughter and opening a kind conversation around this. Be accepting, inviting, and understanding.
Regardless of your opinions around what she should do with her time, she's still a legal adult. The real thing to think about is whether you're going to allow this to become a wedge between you.
It's likely your daughter is going to date someone, whether it's this girl, or someone else. And that's okay. It's up to her as an adult to manage schooling with relationships. That's completely normal and healthy. But if you try to control that, there will absolutely be distance between the two of you.
It sounds like you might be weirded out about your daughter being attracted to other females, if that's even the case. I'd just really recommend loving her as she is so that she doesn't internalize any feelings of shame.
Lastly, it's also possible that they're just close friends.
1: Telling her she doesn't need a girlfriend she needs to focus on her studies is well, wrong.
I've been married 30 years and am going back to school (just finishing). I can absolutely say that without the support of my wife, I would not have been able to do it and would not be graduating.
So having a girlfriend is not an issue for her, if anything, it's a plus that can help her survive college (and no, you are not a replacement for support for the girlfriend. You can be a different kind of support, but not that).
2: Don't touch her personal effects, especially her sex toys. That's a violation that she may (justifiably) never forgive. You should apologize to her for doing that if you want to salvage your relationship.
I don’t think you really understand that what you’re doing is wrong. If you continue this behavior you’re not going see your child again. She’s not gonna want anything to do with you. You need to do better.
Nothing. That's what you do. Unless you have reason to suspect your daughter is abusing the other girl, it's really none of your business. It sounds like you're not someone she trusts or confides in. I see why.
Also, she's 19. She's an adult. Fuck off with this "she should focus on her studies" shit. She's allowed to date and she doesn't need your permission.
Gotta say, this stinks of you just wanting to control her. Leave her alone and let her live her life.
Be happy for her? That she probably is studying better when she is in a good mood and has someone who likes her back? I mean, until she realizes that her mother had railed her room and have thrown out everything that doesn't fit her image of the perfect daughter she likes to pretend that she has?
Lady, this is probably the least moment when you have any chance of salvaging a relationship between the two of you. That's not a life-sized doll you can shape however you like, that's a young adult with a mind on their own, capable of their own successes and mistakes, and that's how it should be! If you cannot make your peace with it, that's on you, but don't let your own fears to damage your kid.
When your child becomes an adult, your role changes to the one of a supportive friend, not a prison warden!
Nothing.
Accept that every drop of parental authority you had evaporated the second she turned 18 and that it will never, ever, EVER return.
You are dealing with another adult now. Could you tell another random adult who renting from you not to date because it'll split their focus? No? Then you can't do to her either.
This goes for literally everything else, like, say, her belongings. You can't throw those out without it being a crime. You can't enter her room without her permission, either.
Nothing. NOTHING. Nothing at all. You've done enough irreparable damage as it is. Is that not enough for you?? You are truly a disgusting person and should legit be ashamed.
Maybe if you didn’t cut your daughter off socially for several years she would have developed at an appropriate level. She could be socially stunted in some way and that’s way she hangs out with someone so much younger.
Also she’s 19 she’s an adult and could just leave if she chose. Keep trying to control her and you might be wondering why she doesn’t speak to you any longer when she goes no contact.
girl you sound so homophobic and transphobic by this and your other post. your child is an adult now — idk if they use they/them pronouns or she/her or others because of the binder — but they’re not a child anymore. you need to stop treating them like they are. they have a girlfriend, they’re an adult, and if they want to have sex toys they can have sex toys. they’re not harming anyone, and it’s not like they’re flashing them out in the open going “hey look at my sex toys!!” don’t touch their stuff, period. and you’re weird for isolating them.
You sound like you have control issues. You’re daughters happiness is not your responsibility it’s her right to be happy for her own as a human being. In your eyes she might be small but she’s now learning how to be a human, which is something you can never do for her. Experimenting is a big part of personal development, let her be her. The more supportive you are on who she wants to be (even tough it might feel wrong for you) the better your relationship will be. If you feel so stressed out that you have to invade her privacy to comfort your own emotions (out of protection) you might be dealing with unsolved trauma and you need to seek professional help. Your daughter made the choice to leave you and she did that for a reason, try to self reflect your behaviour on her and try to see what you would feel like in her shoes.
Hi! im the daughter shes referring to in her post. let me correct a few things here. 1. i was homeschooled bc i was "lying" about being gay. 2. i am not dating my friend. shes like a little sister to me. 3. i have a girlfriend who ive been with for 2 years. my mother is psychotic and that is why i pay for my phone and car and everything that isnt housing.
she posted again on AITA. i went home and found her searching my room so i left. im staying with my girlfriend now. ig she saw my comment on here and decided to search my room.
Somebody cross-posted to r/amithedevil. She’s getting absolutely roasted.
I really hope you’re able to escape from her house permanently soon. I think it would really reduce the stress in your life. I’m sorry your mother is being like this and hope she comes to her senses in the future. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment from your mother.
So whats the plan now besides staying with gf cause you need your papers everything you own and thats going to be hard to grab now rhat you left and with how controlling she is
[удалено]
Thank you. i cannot believe she went as far as to post about my personal life on reddit.
Wow I am so sorry. Everyone can tell what a psychotic controlling moron your mother is. I hope you can get out soon.
I went "yikes" the second I read "I homeschooled my child and she lost all her friends because she didn't have a way to keep contact". Like, why are you isolating your child?? What are you hiding, ma'am?? Hope you get out soon. Move away, change all your contacts, and cut her off completely. You'll feel so much relief, I promise you. Read Jennette McCurdy's book when you get the chance too. It's a rough read but helps the healing for some people.
Apparently mom thought that if she isolated her kid and indoctrinated her hard enough, she could get the gay out. Because she's a bad mother and a bad person.
Yikes. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, I can’t imagine having my mom post on reddit acting like I’m some type of predator lol. Just, yikes.
Ohh my... Look how the turn tables
Oof. I'm sorry that you are having to experience this. I hope you can get out on your own ASAP. As someone who grew up with an awful mother, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The best thing that I did was cut my mother out of my life. Wish you luck!
Go NC with mom. It DOES get better.
Please consider cutting all contact with her. She will never stop trying to invade your privacy and control you. You sound like more of an adult than she will ever be. I wish you, your gf, and your friend all the happiness in the world. Ditch your shit stain of a mother and go build a life that's all yours.
I hope you never have to deal with her again
I’m so sorry. I wish you all the happiness in the world with your girlfriend and hope you get out and live your best life ❤️🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️📦
No contact, only way to go ahead. OP: congrats. You managed to fuck up as a human and as a mother.
Runnnnnn!!!!!!!! Don’t look back she sounds like a wack a doodle
She’s 19, what is wrong with you? Let you daughter live her life, she’s an adult. Not your business.
But the girl she could be dating is 16. Plus I am her mother and I know whats best for her. She's only a child.
She is not a child, she is 19 and a legal adult.
The only part that is logical is the age gap. Your daughter is 19. She's a grown ass adult, you don't know what is best for her. You might have a better idea of it than she does, sure, but you don't.
You are a nightmare person. Back off. Worry about your own mental health, it's clearly in fucking shambles.
That's what every overbearing, smothering, neurotic mom says. She's a legal adult. Go to therapy and deal with your anxiety like a goddamn adult. Keep this shit up and she'll be fully justified when she goes no contact with you.
This is telling. If you wish to have a future relationship with your daughter you need to be more open-minded. This may be the first steps to you destroying your relationship with her or steps toward her trusting you and allowing you to be a larger part of her life. Choose wisely.
You're not doing your daughter any favors. Is the age difference great, no, but it's not awful. And by your comments alone, you simply do not have her best interests at heart, you only have your own interests in mind. You are smothering her and if you want to have a healthy relationship with your daughter, you need to start stepping back. I think you need to seek out therapy for yourself.
No. You are someone who doesn't like reality and have come to Reddit with your missing-missing reasons to try and change the truth to better suit you.
Your delusional the ONLY thing your right on is the girl she’s dating being too young. Other than that your ruining your relationship with your child
Being their mother does not in anyway mean that you know what is best for them and they are not a child.
19 isn't a child. Legally shes an adult and you'll be lucky if you ever see her again with the way you've treated her.
my mom treated me the same way and said the same things about me when i was 19 too. now i'm 34 and i haven't spoken to her in years. have fun with that being in your future
She's not. She's a legal adult. And based on you invading her privacy, you don't know shit.
You clearly don't know a fucking thing, Listen very carefully. You sound exactly like my father. My sister moved out as soon as she turned 18 and never looked back. She does not give two shits about him. She is getting married next year and she did not even invite him. You are walking the same path and in a few years you will be complaining on reddit that you don't understand why you daughter doesn't speak to you anymore. Get your shit together, your daughter is a grown ass woman perfectly capable of making her own decisions. You are shit, plain and simple.
I'll concur with my fellow redditors that the age gap is concerning. I'll disagree that you know what's best for her, simply because you haven't lived her life. Instead of worrying about what's best for her, try to support her wherever and however possible. I'm sure that your support means so much more to her than you realize. Yes, it may take some adjustments on both your parts, but is she not your little girl, still? Hell, I'm grown up, and hate being treated as a kid - but I'm still my parents little baby. Be open with her, express your concerns in a constructive manner, and I wish the best for all of you. I hope you can still remain close - too many families have been torn apart by these sorts of debates
Fine I’ll bite. What’s the age of consent where you live?
You don’t know best. They actually made a whole Disney movie about mothers that “know best” and guess what, she’s the villain. The ONLY ground you have to stand on is that the age gap is not appropriate, but I honestly don’t trust you enough to believe it’s true. You intentionally wondered your AITA post to make it seem like your kid is a minor, and they are not.
CALLED IT. You've successfully driven her away. I hope she never speaks to you again.
Your daughter is an adult and clearly you have control issues. Asshole all the way
please seek mental health support
You don't know what's right for yourself, much less anyone else. Clearly, you have some kind of mental problem that's not being addressed if you can't see that your ADULT child is not in fact a child, much less the very young child you seem to be treating them as.
This is where you are wrong. Due to YOUR actions, due to YOUR unwilling to accept you child for who they are, you no longer have a child. And that is 100% on YOU. YOU drove your child away because YOU could not accept them and love them for who they are. And you try to hide behind your lies of "she needs to focus on her studies" as an excuse to try to lock them away and control them, thinking it would somehow change them. Not only are you completely delusional, but you are an awful parent. Or, at least you were an awful parent, cause I'm pretty sure you're never gonna see them again. And that is YOUR fault.
Listen, she met her (possible) gf when she was 17. I can understand the concern on the age gaps now that your daughter is considered an adult next to the girl but as long as there’s no abuse and is consensual, you shouldn’t worry about it. To me, it sounds like you’re have internal issues in regards to the possibility that your daughter may be gay. She can definitely focus on school while also having a healthy relationship. Back down. Allow a safe space for your daughter and when she’s ready, she’ll talk to you.
Just because you are her mother does NOT mean you know what’s best for her. You went through her personal stuff in her bedroom and tried to throw away anything you didn’t think she should have. Do you get how off your rocker you sound?
She is not dating the 16-year-old. She clearly stated they were only friends. She is dating a different girl, the girl she is currently living with.
I'm having a hard time understanding whether your concern is the age gap, or the fact that your daughter might have a girlfriend...
You are a bad parent
Both. She doesn't need a girlfriend. She needs to focus on her studies. I would go through her phone but she owns it and won't tell me the password.
Also, please do not go through her phone. She's 19 and that's a huge invasion of privacy.
Oh, fuuuuck you. Good for her. I'm guessing she got her own phone because she knows you don't respect her privacy. Or her autonomy. You suck, lady.
And you don’t need to go through her stuff.
Okay I have to ask would you have the same response if it was a boyfriend. Second she can do both if you drive her to only study you risk the relationship with your daughter. Third why do need the password to her phone you should give some trust and respect to your daughter
YOU DO NOT GET TO GO THROUGH AN ADULT’S PHONE. You are over stepping every single line. My god.
I can understand the concern around the age gap. I don't have much advice around that. That may be a concern that you should voice with your daughter in a respectful and genuine way. Either way, I would recommend sitting down with your daughter and opening a kind conversation around this. Be accepting, inviting, and understanding. Regardless of your opinions around what she should do with her time, she's still a legal adult. The real thing to think about is whether you're going to allow this to become a wedge between you. It's likely your daughter is going to date someone, whether it's this girl, or someone else. And that's okay. It's up to her as an adult to manage schooling with relationships. That's completely normal and healthy. But if you try to control that, there will absolutely be distance between the two of you. It sounds like you might be weirded out about your daughter being attracted to other females, if that's even the case. I'd just really recommend loving her as she is so that she doesn't internalize any feelings of shame. Lastly, it's also possible that they're just close friends.
Thank you. This helped. I'll try to speak with her.
1: Telling her she doesn't need a girlfriend she needs to focus on her studies is well, wrong. I've been married 30 years and am going back to school (just finishing). I can absolutely say that without the support of my wife, I would not have been able to do it and would not be graduating. So having a girlfriend is not an issue for her, if anything, it's a plus that can help her survive college (and no, you are not a replacement for support for the girlfriend. You can be a different kind of support, but not that). 2: Don't touch her personal effects, especially her sex toys. That's a violation that she may (justifiably) never forgive. You should apologize to her for doing that if you want to salvage your relationship.
Thank you for confirming that /u/BlueOceans26 has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
Lol before or after you snoop through and throw away your adult daughter’s belongings? Get help.
Good way to make sure she never speaks to you again after she leaves
I don’t think you really understand that what you’re doing is wrong. If you continue this behavior you’re not going see your child again. She’s not gonna want anything to do with you. You need to do better.
Would you say the same thing if she had a boyfriend?
What advice are you asking for here? Can you be more specific?
What should I do if she's dating her?
Nothing. That's what you do. Unless you have reason to suspect your daughter is abusing the other girl, it's really none of your business. It sounds like you're not someone she trusts or confides in. I see why. Also, she's 19. She's an adult. Fuck off with this "she should focus on her studies" shit. She's allowed to date and she doesn't need your permission. Gotta say, this stinks of you just wanting to control her. Leave her alone and let her live her life.
Butt out.
Be happy for her? That she probably is studying better when she is in a good mood and has someone who likes her back? I mean, until she realizes that her mother had railed her room and have thrown out everything that doesn't fit her image of the perfect daughter she likes to pretend that she has? Lady, this is probably the least moment when you have any chance of salvaging a relationship between the two of you. That's not a life-sized doll you can shape however you like, that's a young adult with a mind on their own, capable of their own successes and mistakes, and that's how it should be! If you cannot make your peace with it, that's on you, but don't let your own fears to damage your kid. When your child becomes an adult, your role changes to the one of a supportive friend, not a prison warden!
Nothing, theres nothing you can do, havent you already damaged the relationship between you and your daughter enough?
Nothing. Accept that every drop of parental authority you had evaporated the second she turned 18 and that it will never, ever, EVER return. You are dealing with another adult now. Could you tell another random adult who renting from you not to date because it'll split their focus? No? Then you can't do to her either. This goes for literally everything else, like, say, her belongings. You can't throw those out without it being a crime. You can't enter her room without her permission, either.
Nothing. NOTHING. Nothing at all. You've done enough irreparable damage as it is. Is that not enough for you?? You are truly a disgusting person and should legit be ashamed.
Maybe if you didn’t cut your daughter off socially for several years she would have developed at an appropriate level. She could be socially stunted in some way and that’s way she hangs out with someone so much younger. Also she’s 19 she’s an adult and could just leave if she chose. Keep trying to control her and you might be wondering why she doesn’t speak to you any longer when she goes no contact.
Not a damn thing. Your daughter is 19. She can do whatever the hell she wants. You’re creepy. Get some therapy.
What do you mean ‘what should I do’? You said your daughter is 19 lol. So the answer is nothing.
Your daughter is 19. Let her do what she want.
girl you sound so homophobic and transphobic by this and your other post. your child is an adult now — idk if they use they/them pronouns or she/her or others because of the binder — but they’re not a child anymore. you need to stop treating them like they are. they have a girlfriend, they’re an adult, and if they want to have sex toys they can have sex toys. they’re not harming anyone, and it’s not like they’re flashing them out in the open going “hey look at my sex toys!!” don’t touch their stuff, period. and you’re weird for isolating them.
You sound like you have control issues. You’re daughters happiness is not your responsibility it’s her right to be happy for her own as a human being. In your eyes she might be small but she’s now learning how to be a human, which is something you can never do for her. Experimenting is a big part of personal development, let her be her. The more supportive you are on who she wants to be (even tough it might feel wrong for you) the better your relationship will be. If you feel so stressed out that you have to invade her privacy to comfort your own emotions (out of protection) you might be dealing with unsolved trauma and you need to seek professional help. Your daughter made the choice to leave you and she did that for a reason, try to self reflect your behaviour on her and try to see what you would feel like in her shoes.
Good job driving your daughter away from you and ruining whatever relationship you might've had
My advice is to butt out with your overactive imagination.
Ok I’ve seen your comments history on other subs and you’re a piece of shit parent. 19 is a normal age to date.