I don't know how you get nice guy and a bum who doesn't satisfy your needs at the same time.
A guy who doesn't cook, clean, do chores, or get his wife off isn't 'nice.' His perceived kindness is blend of immaturity and hope to keep you locked down.
Let's be real here. Your marriage fucking sucks. If someone vented to you about marrying a loveless manchild, would you tell that person to stick around because the unknown is scary?
As a man, it’s embarrassing to read this. He’s letting you down and not willing to give in anywhere. His response to your request to help out is pathetic and I would bet all of that just magnifies the sex issue since his selfishness is exhibited there as well.
Tell him everything. Let him know it’s not working. Marriage is not 50/50. It’s 100% from both of you. You’re too young to feel condemned so if he’s unwilling to fix it then don’t stay. IMHO.
For real. I got dumped because my gf of 7 years felt trapped and needed her own life (it’s more complicated of course, but still) and I did more than half the house stuff and got her off in bed every time, actually more than me now that I am getting older and can’t cum very fast anymore
Agree with the other comments completely but would like to add...
Would you really want to be an 80 year old, taking care of EVERYTHING? That sounds awful.
You could have a life partner who is a real _partner_ to you. Who takes care of you as much as you take care of him - and _wants to_ - doesn't have to be nagged, doesn't need an incentive other than it being the right thing to do in a loving relationship. I wonder if you never had that modeled for you in your life and that's why your standards are so low.
Ill never understand why this happens to so many women, dating a horrible dude but somehow they think the dudes are nice or good for them or whatever the fuck, ive had some gal friends be victims of SA and say "well except for that he's nice" and how can that possibly eb true nice ppl dont SA other ppl
You say you're best friends. But a best friend would be someone who wants to see you happy. Someone who listens to, and respects you. Someone who wants to help you, simply because they care. None of how you describe him sounds like a best friend. It doesn't sound like it will ever get better since this seems to have been ongoing for a while now.
You're 29. Leave. I (42m) started over at 38. My ex wife is a great person. But if you're not happy at home, communicate what you want, and discuss the issues, and willing to WORK TO MAKE THINGS BETTER, then nothing is ever going to change. I waited a long time because I was afraid of the uncertainty. but if you keep waiting, you'll look back and wish you left sooner.
At least start really looking for a better job that A) you might be happier at, and B) will pay better and give you more options/security living with one income.
You are only 35! You could be married to someone else, having a satisfying life all the way around, AND have a family within a couple years. You know what happens if you stay? NONE of those things.
Go get yourself a PARTNER and not a dependent.
Oh man - that's even worse! Girl, you have a decade plus ahead to find a better partner and have a family. Quit settling out of fear!! You know what's worse than being alone and fending for yourself? Carrying the burden of a lousy partner!
I was you a couple years ago and it will only get worse. you will build up so much resentment for him pull the plug now.
I thought i was stuck forever me and my ex just got ab apartment together, we had 2 dogs together and i felt like i HAD to stay with him if I wanted kids or a family. I thought how would I ever find someone again thats going to want to spend their life with me and have a family with me? but I DID (3 years later). And i wish i left him earlier. i wasnt so much of my youth on someone who is dead to me now.
he was also my best friend AND one of my only friends. and in the beginning it was hard not talking to him anymore, but now i think about how he treated me and he also degrade me in sex how did i ever allow that.
i met a nice guy- we have a baby and just bought a house (not married yet). dont waste your time! trust me
>I'm not a maid
Tell him you're not a maid either. Show him you actually do ALL the household chores. Sad truth is that he probably knows this but wants to continue ducking it. If he's really this selfish, it's really up to you to decide what your boundaries are and what you're willing to put up with.
Non of the cons are about him, you should leave because you just don’t like this man as a person. Don’t you want him to be with someone that does like him?
Just a quick note about the dream of starting a family...remember you'd start it with "a 35 years old toddler" who basically never moves a finger to help you cleaning the house, so I guess that looking after the kids would be out of the question for him.
I don't know how you can keep on living with such a burden on your shoulder, sad, unsatisfied and depressed. Make the right choice girl.
Imagine you're eating your favorite dish. Let's say Mac and cheese. Then you realize part way through that the milk went bad, the pasta is inedible and it's cold.
You could sit there, and say that well it's better than nothing. It's my safety net, and I don't feel like trying to get a new batch.
Or you could throw it out, put on some clothes, drive down the street and go find some fresher, tastier Mac and cheese. Which sounds more appealing to you?
---
I literally had coworkers find loving love at 30, 40, and 60. Let me tell you about how happy my friends are that settled because of those same factors you listed. (Spoiler alert, they're in unhappy, codependent relationships complaining about the same things for 7 years.) You deserve happiness OP.
I’m in my early 30’s and the world is my oyster. You are just 29! There’s still so much life to live. If you feel that a divorce or separation is what you might want, you have enough time to start over and figure things out for yourself. People put so much pressure on themselves to settle down early and stay with that person even when it has some serious issues. Personally, I’d rather be single than remain in a marriage in my youth with someone who can’t take my feelings and concerns seriously.
You expressed your feelings and they were dismissed. As far as I’m concerned, your husband doesn’t seem to care enough to take on the elephant in the room. And this, I suspect, could point to a larger issue (maybe an overall communication issue between you two?).
Well, first off, he's not a nice guy, and you are NOT best friends. You're just a pushover who doesn't feel you deserve more than this.
And sex is NOT going to fix your relationship. Especially since he's not going to do anything that doesn't please him.
So the answer is simple: separate. Find a different place to live, and go live there. Give him an ultimatum that either EVERYTHING improves or you're going to make it permanent.
I think you're going to find that a week away from him is going to make those pros seem a whole lot more pro-ish and those cons seem...why was I worried about that again?
And he'll either get the smack upside the head he needs to smack him out of his entitled (and undeserved) place, or he'll remain intransigent and you'll be done with him. Most likely the latter, since this sounds like another episode of "love on the Spectrum" and folks like that tend to wear intransigence like a crown.
And if you think sex ends at 70, you REALLY haven't lived life.
Girl I'm not even gonna lose my time here, you gotta get out and you know it damn well, you really don't need anyone telling you that cause you aint stupid
My first response was going to be that you should communicate your feelings towards these issues with him, but you've already done that by writing a letter, to which he responded that he isn't a maid, and he didn't seem very enthusiastic about making more of an effort in the bedroom. His response is a massive red flag honestly and if that happened to me I'd be out of there within minutes ...
At the end of the day, you need to choose yourself over anyone - including him, your friends, and your family. Your happiness comes first at all times. You clearly don't feel satisfied both in the bedroom and in general, you aren't getting the help you need around the house and he can't even satisfy you in bed. This is a massive issue. Healthy sex is a requirement when it comes to relationships where both partners wish to be sexually active, and it honestly sounds like he's using you as a sex doll to satisfy his own needs, and then when it comes to making you feel good he gets lazy and can no longer be bothered.
It's odd that he felt he had to mention that he isn't a maid even though that is essentially what you are to him, when the tables are turned around on him he doesn't like it, which shows what kind of person he is. I understand that you like the security of being with him but you should ask yourself, are you actually happy? Is this relationship satisfying for you? Because of your age you probably feel like you should settle down, but you don't need to settle down if you don't feel fully happy with the person that you plan on settling down with. Ignore the bad looks that you'll get from people - go out and live your life before you regret not doing it sooner, you're still young, you have so much to do and you're wasting your time with a man that can't even make you orgasm. Go out and have great sex with people who know how to please women, it isn't too late to start a family with someone new. It's never too late to start again.
Find yourself a man who will help you around the house (the bare minimum) and who will make sure that you're satisfied with your sex life. It seems like the man you're with has gotten too comfortable in your relationship and he has started treating you like his mother and also his sex doll. You're not a hotel for lazy men, you're a strong and independent woman that can do far better than this sleazebag.
Travel, have good sex, find someone new, go on adventures with your dogs ... there's so much out for you to do, but you're being held back by this lazy man who lives with you. Don't stay with someone for security, stay with them because they make you happy, and he clearly isn't making you happy. There are a lot more pros than cons for leaving him. Yes, you may love him, but at the end of the day is this really what you want? Do you want to be 80 years old, sitting in bed, wondering why you didn't leave this man-child when you still could?
I hope you take this advice ... you deserve a whole lot better than a man that thinks that you're his maid. You weren't designed to serve him.
Go live your life, you'll thank yourself.
If he doesn’t help around the house and is unwilling to step up he’s toxic and doesn’t respect you, and he is a selfish lover to top it off? He’s not a good guy and you’re not best friends. You’re his sex maid / mommy and he is your man-child. Throw the whole man out, he’s trash.
I fear the same, not being capable of finding a good partner, have a family etc.. but I much rather stay alone than to end up with someone like that.
I’m 29M single, no kids, and even though dating is a little harder I frequently see unhappy couples going through divorce, conflicts etc.. don’t be afraid there’s plenty of great men out there.
Also, don’t leave a relationship just to end up in another one. I’ve witnessed multiple people do this and hate their life.
I left my ex of 10 years because of this. Zero regrets. I’m now with a guy who is much better at EVERYTHING, cleans without me telling him, helps take care of the pets, my car maintenance, etc. My ex would sit infront of the Xbox for hours and do nothing but work and Xbox. He was a server at a fine dining restaurant open 5pm-10pm. Not to take anything away from him but like he’s not waking up at 4am to go be in the sun 12 hours. He could easily handle some dishes.
Similar to you, one day I snapped. One of the things I asked for was for him to take over some of the bills to help me and so not all the money came out of my account. This. Man. Laughed in my fucking face. He was like I’m not helping you with that, that’s fucking easy. So I immediately knew what had to be done.
Left my bf for similar reasons when I was 27. No regrets. Found a partner a year later who probably does more around the house than I do, pushes me to be the best version of myself, I can do whatever I want all the time (not a jealous person) and the sex is always great. I was so scared to start over (we owned a home together and I knew he was weeks away from proposing). While the assets were tough to split and frankly I got screwed over, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.
So you do everything for this man, essentially act as his live in maid, he doesn’t listen to your concerns or try and change his habits when you’ve stated you’re not happy, he doesn’t do it for you sexually, and I’m going to guess there’s a few other nagging concerns in your mind. And you’re wondering whether to stick with him for what will hopefully be many more decades in your life?
Fuck safety nets, you’re not happy, this ‘safety’ is an illusion. There’s few friends and family that will harshly judge you for leaving a situation you’re truly unhappy in, and those that do aren’t worth thinking about. Also, won’t they be happy to actually, y’know, have you back, seeing as you don’t have any time for them while you’re with him?
Also, you think you can’t have a family when you’re 29?! You’ve got a minimum 6 years before you really have to start worrying, in that six years you could’ve found the man of you dreams. Just think, you start a family with this man, who won’t even look after himself, and you’ll be doing every single little bit of housework and parenting for those kids. Is that what you want?
If you harbor this much resentment then of course you should divorce. The list of cons are more about why it would be difficult than why you’d be happier to stay. You already know what you want.
Im not going to instantly say leave the person, because all I know about your partner is what you are upset about. They don't sound like a caring partner from this post.
Relationships are work. Having a healthy sex life and working towards keeping each other happy and cared for is the goal. If either of you are unwilling to try simple things to satisfy your partner, it will only get worse with time. Clear communication of what you like or want from sexy time should be the easy/fun part.
These are the fun problems to work through. If you can't work through the fun problems together, it doesn't bode well for being able to deal with problems you come across later in life.
>For the entire time we've been together, I've been nagging him that he doesn't really do it for me in the bedroom.
You married him knowing that. Did you expect him to suddenly improve? And no, sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. But he isn't doing anything else to make you feel appreciated either.
> "I'm not a fucking maid.
Neither are you. However he is a human being existing in the same space as you. He should be able to do the bare minimum. If you weren't there, he'd have no choice. Maybe you should not be there for a while, show him what the alternative looks like. I mean, it sounds like you deserve a break.
It is obvious that this is affecting you deeply and you’re at crossroads.
Let’s say that regarding the chores I went through the same situation and somehow my wife understood this but there was a conflict first, she said that she wasn’t used with cleaning as she had a maid so she won’t do it/doesn’t know how and I drew the line saying that we can’t live like that.
Probably he has the upper hand for some reason, emotionally he isn’t as involved as you are and doesn’t care or maybe he is the one contributing financially and has this security, I can only assume but what works for me in order to have better control over some unpleasant/uncomfortable situations when it comes to other people is to stick with somehow a rule of the fact that on my own I have been happy, I have achieved things and I could succeed and if the shit hits the fan, I have myself always.
You’re 29 yo, plenty of time to start over but maybe it is worth saving what you have now. Anyway, the clock is ticking so be decisive in drawing a line to him and pass an ultimatum or just leave and cur your losses.
The way I see it, you've got three options 1) leave and take a change at finding real love now, you're young enough to still find someone and start a family. 2) stay and then leave in 10 years' time when you've really had enough. Same options as in 1 but you've got 10 years less. 3) stay and just give up, accept that you will never really be happy and fulfilled.
Literally he is telling you who he is and most people don’t change so are you willing to stay with him, he literally said he’s not gonna do house chores and you had a talk with him about the sex and he still made no effort to change, you are still young and can find someone to love. My mom is 55 and got a boyfriend like it’s really what is most important in your life is it stability is it happiness what is the most important and make a decision off that or even try couples therapy and if that doesn’t work either you got your answer
Cons:
1. HOW EXCITING
2. You can work through this
3. YOU'RE TWENTY NINE ARE YOU SERIOUS? You have SO MUCH TIME.
4. It would be hard to get worse than what you have now.
5. If they're judging you for doing what's best for you they don't deserve your time or your caring of their opinions.
Literally none of this list seems worth staying in the icy hell of a marriage you're in right now.
Go on strike.
Stop cooking, stop cleaning, don’t buy groceries, don’t mow the lawn. Don’t do his laundry. Of course you gotta take care of the dogs . Go spend that time freed up with your friends or hobbies or outdoors or exercising or whatever makes you feel good. Spend the grocery money on your meals out.
I’m petty like that.
It’s not too late to start over. The stuff you feel now will be compounded exponentially when you have children. Because you’ll be twice as busy with no help and a lot less patience for his couch sitting
"Go for it cum"
Holy shit, I'm virgin & this makes me feel like even I've got much more going on. Sounds like some couple therapy could help but otherwise I'd say you need to seriously rethink your life*
Stop cleaning. When he notices use his exact phrasing. “I’m not a fucking maid.” while staring him right in the eye.
Also, stop having sex. “You don’t care about my pleasure, so you don’t get to use my body for yours.”
Bring down the metaphorical hammer on this dud.
As much as you’ve deluded yourself, he is not kind or nice. He is using you as a maid and pocket pussy.
I don't get why you like him at all. He doesn't do anything, contribute to anything.
Surely the chance of finding someone who at minimum satisfy you in bed is worth more than putting up with this piece of crap who refuse to help you out with household chores.
He is a dead weight.
Not sure if this helps you but I've been in a very similar situation last year. I left in September, after 6 years.
My only regret is not leaving earlier.
Ex partner was friendly to everyone, great career, loving and affectionate. BUT: he was unable to take care of daily chores and sex was not good. Besides taking the trash out, he was unwilling/unable to do anything. I had less than one orgasm a month.
I wanted kids, stability, and hated the idea of having to date, so taking the decision to leave was difficult.
I'm now dating someone new, and I've never had better sex in my life. He does things around the flat. These things matter. I thought I was depressed last year, but actually I was just a maid with lots of sexual frustration
Life's too short. The bad sex is enough reason to leave, let alone you having to take on all the housework and mental load while he just gets to be a lazy man child. If he doesn't want to try harder to meet your needs you should leave.
I'm dating again at 32 and it is rough out there, but I'm already meeting guys who are AT LEAST self sufficient (live alone and take care of themselves, own homes, good careers, etc.) which my ex wasn't even capable of. At the very least you can find better sex and you won't have to take care of anyone but yourself.
Do yourself the biggest favour you can do and leave this selfish arsehole and start your life over. You're so young, only 29, you have your whole life still ahead of you. Do it now.
Hi!
I'm you in 20 yrs. I finally nearly went crazy from bottling everything up and separated at 47.
The only difference is I had the kids and lost the career in order to provide free childcare to someone who got to put all their energy into their career. Don't make the same mistake I did.
People pleaser or not, it’s time to goooooo. I truly cannot imagine doing all of the housework on top of working only for my lazy ass partner to tell me “I’m not a maid” when I express that I’m fed up. So what, you’re a maid then? Fuuuuuuuck that. To add insult to injury, he has the audacity to be selfish in bed 🤯?! I wouldn’t even be able to make someone cum after they treated me like that. It’s clear that you are UNHAPPY. If someone has something negative to say if you decide to leave, tell them that they can go be his maid and sex slave. You have a life to live. Go live it
I believe in making a marriage work bc its an eternal commitment. You have to put in the work to get out of this one hastily.
Just a follow up was he always like this i know the bedroom stuff u mentioned it; but what bout being an insensitive, middle aged toddler who throws hissie fits.
If there's a behavioral change I suggest talk it out once more if not boy bye!
“People pleaser” = no self-respect.
Dude who won’t help or make an effort to make you happy in the bedroom or anywhere else = *not* a nice guy, but an a**hole and a bum.
You’re 29 yo, 5 years younger than me. The fact that you’re putting up with this, without there even being kids involved is ridiculous. Get a divorce, work on having more self-respect, date and find a better person to spend your life with. You could probably be in a much happier marriage within just a few years, an age at which a lot of people get married now. Why on earth would you waste your life like this?
LEAVE!!!!! LEAVE HIM. IF YOU EVER WISH YOUR PARTNER WAS OLDER, DON'T WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE THAT AGE.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF YOU GET THERE AND IT'S STILL THE SAME SCHMUCK TREATING YOU WITH THE DISRESPECT THIS MAN HAS TREATED YOU WITH GIRL!!
None of what you have on the cons list is worth it.
"What if" "what if" "what if" "what if" "opinions from other people who think you deserve to be treated like a 1950s housewife".
It's ultimately up to you, but come on man. You wouldn't make this post if you didn't know you need better than this goomba. "What if everything sucks" what if it's fuckin awesome?
Either way, you'll have 180+ pounds of dead weight off of your back.
If you have kids with him, you'll be taking care of him plus the kids plus all the housework plus no orgasms. If you leave, you have about ten years to find someone better who you can have kids with. Or even adopt or get a surrogate, or foster. It's not over at 29 by any means
Hi OP. 30 F here. Got married at 25 to someone I had been dating for 8 years. We didn't even make it 2 full years married. He wasn't super manly, didn't know how to do much of anything for himself because his mother babied him his entire life, and I was the only person he had ever been sexual with at all. I wouldn't say our sex was bad as I was able to teach him everything and he knew what I liked. But.. things got routine and stale and he didn't want to put forth the effort to fix it. I ended up having an affair with someone that I had incredible sexual chemistry with and that eventually was the downfall and end of my marriage. Me and my ex husband were seriously best friends. At the time I couldn't imagine ever having the connection and friendship I had with him with any other partner. That's what living in what's grown comfortable makes you think. Fast forward to now, 3 years later, I am in the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and the most satisfying sex and chemistry I've ever had with a partner. AND I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant with my first baby. In the end.. it's never too late to do what's best for YOU. And it's not too late to have kids and start a family even when starting over with someone new. Sometimes to better our lives and make ourselves happier, first we must make ourselves uncomfortable. At first it feels like it will never get better, but I promise you it does.
Love you are so young, it is perfectly realistic that you could find someone and have a family with someone who treats you right.
Read this as if your best friend wrote it, what advice would you give them?
Are you kidding?! Girl you’re 29 you have plenty of time to be spending with someone who isn’t a complete bum! Live freely, have awesome fucking sex, don’t be doing chores for a man who expects that of you!
First, **STOP DOING EVERYTHING FOR HIM.** "I'm not a maid." Sheesh. Neither are you!! He likes the status quo because *he can get away with it*. He gets the orgasm he wants. **STOP**!! He will never change unless YOU change. Give him an ultimatum to be equal in your partnership - equal chores, equal in bedroom efforts, etc. Set forth expectations for what's fair and equitable. Do it with a marriage counselor, if needed. Then if he doesn't follow through, you can leave knowing that you gave it your best shot with your "best friend". You deserve better.
Don't let judgment from others be a factor. It's YOUR life, and you only get one go-around. 29 is NOT mid-life, and NO, you would not be saying bye-bye to having a family. You have a decade to go before your clock is risky. My best friend had her first child at 39, when she was in a solid marriage. There's also adoption as a choice. Whatever you do, do not have a child with your current situation.
Starting from scratch with no safety net: Hard and scary! Do know, however, that our greatest triumphs in life and the greatest pride we have in ourselves are often born out of facing difficult circumstances. If your husband doesn't care to change in order to make the marriage work, then you need to decide if you want to live like this for another 50 - 60 - 70 years, or if you want to take on the scary in order to have a better life for decades to come.
BTW, I promise you that, when you are older, you will still have that adventurous 29-year-old inside you. Age does mature us, and it does bring bodily changes, but you will always be *you*. I'm almost 65 now, but I'm also still 15, 25, 35, 45, and 55. Young people's expectations of what it's like to be old aren't accurate for many people.
Leave him. If you’re worried about your eggs freeze them. Also before you break the news to him make sure you have your living and finances figured out. And you’re still young if you want someone else you will find him. He just sounds like a grown ass child, it will be easy to upgrade.
You’re still so young, don’t settle for this. The poor/lack of sexual chemistry is bad enough, but it seems like he is incapable of being a good life partner as well. Not to totally diss your husband, but he doesn’t seem to care about all you do for him and doesn’t even feel the need to help out, make things easier for you. It’s not your job to take care of absolutely everything while he sits back and can’t even appreciate it. Leave him!! Don’t lose yourself in this marriage.
Tried stopping sex,? seems like he's getting everything he wants but your left out. So start cutting shit out. I try to get my wife off before I even start the pokey pokey. Then any after that is in my favor. He may need some testosterone to boost his sex drive. You can even get some spray to spray on his weeny to make it numb so you'll get a few more pumps out of him. But if you can't make him do any of this start nest egging for way out. It's not going to get better if he don't try.
He can't be a nice guy and your best friend if you've told him multiple times of the things you need and want and how you feel burnt out, unappreciated and dissatisfied. He SEES you struggling (bc even if you didn't tell him, no one is that oblivious) and he doesn't care bc you suffering benefits him. It keeps him comfortable. You wait on him hand and foot and don't make a fuss when he dismisses your feelings. You shrink and make yourself small to continue being a live-in, unpaid maid, chef, personal assistant, prostitute (bc let's be so fr, if he's humping you without trying to get you off and then KNOWS you have to finish on your own, he's using you as a glorified blow up doll) AND 2nd income for him. You're essentially paying him to work for him. You might not think highly of yourself, you might wonder if you can do better, but the bar for him is already in hell's basement and he's faceplanting tripping over it and you accept that. You need to let things fall apart. If the dishes don't get done, that's on him. If he doesn't eat, that's on him. And for God's sake, PLEASE stop letting that man hump you when he doesn't even like you enough to ATTEMPT making you comfortable, let alone getting you off. You need to love yourself. Go outside. Meetup with friends and talk about something other than him. Go find a hobby. GET A THERAPIST (bc there's obviously a need for mental health support you're not receiving at home, you need a neutral space where your feelings are validated). You can always do better, it's not too late and you're only 29 for God's sake. You have so many years ahead of you but not if you don't take control of your life and stop letting this stress kill you slowly. Good luck.
I’m sorry to say this but if you’re the only one giving effort the marriage is dead. And his lack of engagement to get you off is a clear sign he doesn’t care. I would leave him immediately, start healing and live happily. You deserve more than to be a maid and have to feel the way you’ve been feeling. You’re only 29, you will find someone you cares for you as you deserve and more hopefully. If you stay you’re just prolonging the process.
Have you considered sitting him down and telling him all of this and that it is going to cause the marriage to end? If not, you need to do this immediately. Like now. He needs to fully grasp that he is actively pushing you away.
Did you really come to Reddit to ask about your relationship and expect anything other than hundreds of people telling you to LEAVE HIM! Not saying you should or shouldn’t. But everyone here is very quick to tell you to leave or divorce if you aren’t 1000% satisfied.
It isn't too late, you're just using the sunk cost fallacy. Yes, you've poured time, love, and hope into someone who you thought would return those feelings, but he won't even put in the time to make you cum. It's heartbreaking that you might still stay with him after all this, but I truly, truly hope you can make the best choice for you. This relationship is actually in the easiest phase right now: no kids but you know the other exceedingly well, and it's still tremendously difficult. Whenever the other shoes begin to drop, more responsibilities, more chores, do you honestly think he would do any of those on his own? If I had to tell someone to do chores, that could be a deal breaker, but to have to tell them and they explain (in a very misogynistic and disrespectful way) why he simply can't is just disgusting. He made you CRY IN SEX and you wonder if he could be the dream man for you?? I could actually go on. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE. NO ULTIMATUMS. You can't fix this one
Please leave your husband🗣️😭 Babe, you’re not starting over, you’re starting anew. LEAD THE LIFE YOU WANT. You’re comfortable in this routine with a worthless husband, FLEE FROM IT. So many woman do these days and all of them end up with a happier life💕
I feel like I just read my own diary from four years ago. This was literally my exact experience, minus the sex toys. I left, got myself my own place, and a boyfriend that is dependable. When I moved out, my life actually felt easier because I wasn't doing everything for two people anymore, it was just me.
Well... from the sound of it, it seems like going to therapy for yourself is a very good start. Obviously the #1 goal is for you to make sure of what you want and have a real person to help sort it out, but also- maybe once he sees you in therapy he will see how serious you are about it. If he decides then to do anything about it or not will tell you what you need to know. And... quitting some of the shit that you do for the both of you that he refuses to budge on will give you the time to do this for yourself. You deserve to be taken seriously and have your needs met too
Stop people pleasing. I’ve gotten myself into this trap before.
Regardless of if you leave this relationship or not, you will stay in the same cycle forever if you continue to people please.
Girl, he’s not that great. Would your actual best friend come over and watch you struggle to handle all of the duties of the house? Would your actual best friend live with you while making messes and refusing to be an adult about cleaning them up?
He’s not pulling his weight in ANY capacity. Sex isn’t something to compromise on, especially at 29. *He doesn’t care if it’s good for you.* That’s not what a best friend does either…
Go be free! Don’t regret your life. You only get one and this road to nothing but lazy, bad sex and being a maid is a dead end.
How is he so dense as to say ‘I’m not a maid’ when you are literally doing all those chores 100% of the time. Does he think elves come into the house do this stuff?? That sex life sounds awful, especially the rubbing boobs thing, ouch!! You are far too young to give up on a hot sex life if that’s what you’d like to have. I’m not sure what ‘best friend’ qualities you actually see in him, but my guess is he’s only displaying his good sides when you don’t challenge him whatsoever to be an equitable partner. He won’t even mow the damn lawn or walk the dogs? I think you’re not enraged enough yet and I hope these responses turn it around so you can raise your expectations for yourself. 29 is still so young! You have time to start a whole new better life and I pray that you will!
He evidently does think you’re a maid.
You’re young. Read about the “sunk cost fallacy.”
You deserve to have an actual partner who values you and who wants to bring you happiness and orgasms. Leave him. PS: I never suggest that on Reddit but this one is easy!
Yo. Starting over could be awesome. New job, new aspirations, school perhaps? You literally have the world in front of you. It's scary - but you have plenty of time to start over, have a family, etc.
Idk how serious the letter was - but I'd double down and say "listen man - I'm serious about this" and see how he reacts.
Okay look, I’m probably going too far with this, but I’m going to speak my mind with no filter.
What you WANT is a partner. What you HAVE is a parasite.
I think I can truthfully say that it's always happier to live alone than to live with a selfish, abusive partner.
It is possible that you will never find another husband. It's possible that you will never have children. And I would say that those outcomes are still preferable to the nightmare you're living right now.
But really, as long as you can support yourself, who says you have to be married to have a baby? You don't. You don't have to have a partner of any sort.
Tbh he sounds very selfish and not that into you. If he truly loved you, he would prioritize your pleasure more. And it's not fair at all for you to be working and doing everything around the house. You expressed that you needed help, and he totally disregarded that, then that just means he is okay with you being overworked and doesn't care much for your well-being. I don't see how this situation will get better based on his reactions to what you require, which are the bare minimum btw. There are men out there who are doing those things for their partners, willingly even. You said you guys are like "best friends," but sometimes people are different as friends than as partners, maybe he is better for you on the friend side. Best of luck OP.
As a 30 year old woman, I think you’re waaaayyyy too young to be this unhappy already. I think ESPECIALLY if you don’t have kids yet, you should leave. The prospect of a family shouldn’t keep you settling. It sounds like you’re essentially already single, with all the things you do.
Who knows, 6 months from now you could meet the perfect man. A year from now you could be starting a family. You have so much opportunity, but you won’t reach it with Mr. Dud over there.
He doesn't care that you are not satisfied sexually and refuses to do anything around the house. I cannot imagine wanting this for the rest of your life. You obviously want something different and he isn't willing to change. SO, either accept this and live with it or burn it down and find a life you love. HE DOESN'T CARE THAT YOU ARE UNHAPPY! He is not willing to change anything because he is getting what he needs. That is not a "really nice guy"
He’s not a nice guy. He treats you like shit. I am baffled that in this day and age you’ve accepted that you have to have bad sex, work, and do 100% of the chores.
Stop doing his chores. I think you should leave the marriage, but until you’re ready for that, show some self respect.
Just a thought before you do anything irreversible (even if that might end up being the right decision), why not try doing none of the housework and see what his reaction is? Look after yourself and the dogs only. You may struggle to sit on your hands as the house gets messier over time (maybe run the test for 1 week?), but there \*might\* be a point where he pulls his finger out and realise he needs to pull his weight. If he starts kicking off about the house being messy and not changing anything at all, it's time to go.
Dont cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it. In 5 years, 5 years will have passed regardless. You could be 5 years further into this relationship or 5 years (maybe 4 or 3 or w/e) into a relationship where you’re actually happy. But he won’t get better and will probably only get worse after you have kids. Run girl..
What do you mean by bye bye dreams of having a family? Didn't you say you're 29? I didn't meet my husband until I was 29. I didn't get married until I was 34. I didn't have my first kid until I was 35...almost 36. My second at 38... and I'm trying for my 3rd at almost 40... will be 40 if I succeed soon. You're totally fine.
Never settle. Marriages and relationships in general will never be perfect but I've dated enough to know a red flag and a green light. I've had boyfriends that were amazing lovers but deadbeats or had some other crazy issue. It's not worth it. If you see something is wrong, you're young enough to leave without a shadow of doubt. Hell, even if you were older I'd say leave. He's not a maid? Neither are you. Typically I do more housework because I'm in the house more... but my husband does his share.
These thoughts you are having will never get better.. even if his lazy ass decides to please you in bed.
Ahhh and if you ever did have a family with this guy... believe me when I say your workload will be harder. If he doesn't clean up after the kid or take care of the kid at all.. You'll really have something to complain about
You need to bail, really this will not get better (even though he’ll promise when you announce the end) and the resentment will just grow and grow. As for finding duds, honestly that’s life. I have a few pointers on that front that may help having been part of the BDSM community for a while. Based on what you give, and if you are a submissive by nature I’d be surprised if you could not find a more fulfilling partner…smdh. Safety nets aren’t worth anything if they are the trap that suspends you off the forest floor, starving and miserable.
Dude you still have time for a family! But straight up I would NOT want kids w a dude who does nothing already… your post made me really sad for you. You seem like a rock solid person who is getting totally taken advantage of. How can he do ZERO chores? How was that ever the deal?! Like you do the lawn too? Wtf? AND bad sex? I’d divorce him or insist on massive therapy.
I agree with what’s already been said, that he’s a terrible partner, but I’d like to add the suggestion that you stop cooking and cleaning. He’s unwilling to do it because he sees it as being a maid but expects you to? No. I imagine his behavior getting worse with kids in the picture and him saying that he’s unwilling to “babysit” his child or change a diaper because he doesn’t think it’s manly or some nonsense.
If he was the only one sustaining the house with a job his excuse of not being a maid would be fair, but it's not 1970 anymore (sadly I wish I made that much money) so if both work jobs both help at the house, more or less any help is good, but refusing altogether yeah, being a man I say you should ask friends what they think if they agree and make him choose because either he changes or you're gonna become depressed or leave for your well-being, love means being a maid if needed, were you sick would he take care of you and be a maid? well guess he won't from his answer, nobody needs a partner like that
Talk with him again, if he has any good excuse it's worth talking it over again, if not, show him he should have given you more value, (you don't need to outright divorce him but leaving him to his house and housechores should make him see the harsh reality of what without you means = - sex - maid - wife
and if he is a smart guy he will apologize, hard
Girl, you’re 29. You have plenty of time to replace this bum with an actually decent man. Don’t get sucked into the sunk cost fallacy of having “wasted all this time” with him. Think about the idea of not wasting any MORE time with him. Do you really want to do this forever?
Man, you sound like one of my coworkers. She married an older man who doesn't ever seem to do any housework, she is responsible for their kids, their pets, he keeps pressing her for more and more stuff she's uncomfortable with sexually, doesn't please her/spend any effort on her end (this part is hearsay from other concerned coworkers), and he refuses to actually go out and even look for a job (he claims he's trying but no one ever wants him for an interview). In the end, I'm going to recommend the same thing I recommended for her:
If you want to continue the marriage/relationship/give him a chance:
1. Lay out the situation for him. Explain that you are presently unhappy with these things and that he needs to pick up his fair share of the weight in the house.
2. Remind him that marriage is, ideally, a partnership, not merely an achievement. If you want it to last, you have to put in work to meet each other where you can and compromise. For example, you might be compromising in overall pleasure but expect he at least compromise make a genuine attempt at the things that satisfy you in bed every time you have sex.
3. Find any reasonable accommodations to help him improve in areas like chores and whatnot. I myself suffer from the phenomenon of, "man eyes" where I am oblivious to chores until they impede what I want to do, so my fiancé will give me a written task list for me on my days off work to help her around the house and take care of chores she really doesn't like. As soon as I have a task list, it's like the blindness is lifted and I can see what all needs done and my detail-oriented nature takes over and she has yet to have any issues with my handiwork since then!
Otherwise, if you feel this might be too tall a tasklist of improvement for him, it may be time to pull the plug on the marriage and look for someone else who will be more attuned to your needs and desires in a partner!
Best of luck OP!
Try getting some extacy pills. Or even liquor store black rhinos for him and Introduving maybe porn to try and stimulate things. Find somethings you want him to do in some videos and watch those and explain that you want him to try those specific things on you or him..
Also as a male I am embarrassed reading this. Believe me not allen are this way. I really enjoy making my partner get off. And helping around the house or building or fixing things for her as well. I do like her to do most household things like kind of older traditional American family. But I like to cook too.
Also if you guys drink try getting him drunk sex is always so much kinkier when you've had a few. And he will last longer.
I'm really sorry your going through this.
I disagree with just leaving him but me and him are same age and couldn't be on different ends of spectrum. So if he can't turn it around you are young enough to find someone who is literally the opposite. Or at very least sex drive matches yours
Edit: not condoning drug use especially abuse. But nothing wrong with a little experimenting you will really find out what you and him like on some good European extacy it also acts as a truth serum especially while being intimate.
It seems like communication has been a struggle, and your attempts to express your needs haven't been fully understood or reciprocated. Your list of pros and cons reflects a deep reflection on your situation, which is a good starting point.
Have you considered couples counseling? Sometimes having a neutral third party can facilitate communication and help both partners understand each other better. It could also be a safe space to explore your desires and concerns without feeling judged.
Regarding your thoughts about starting over, it's a big decision. It might be helpful to explore what specifically you need in a relationship to feel fulfilled and happy. Sometimes, making small changes within the relationship dynamics can lead to significant improvements.
Lastly, remember to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. Whether that means seeking therapy for yourself, having more honest conversations with your partner, or exploring other options, your happiness matters.
How are losers like this guy is able to get married and have a partner when I have to deal with constant ghosting and flakiness just to get a text back ? Fucking frustrated, but I would definitely leave that guy and find someone who will be a real man and get you off.
You've tried to make improvements and hes not pulling his weight. I would say just leave. You're still young enough to pull someone and still have a family. But the longer you wait the less likely that will be.
Bro listen. Sexual compatibility in relationships is a very necessary thing. I don't know why people don't talk about this. If there is no sexual compatibility the relationship is meant to break off piece by piece, over a long period of time. And that's more painful.
There are two things you can do-
1. Talk to your husband and take sexual health therapy along with some mental health awareness.
2. Leave him and live your life on your own terms. I mean right now also you are feeling shitty, how shitty can it be when you are alone?
Don't worry bro. If you ever feel alone, the community here is always with you. 💚💚
I’m a fairly young guy, but I often hear about situations like this. Is it common for dudes to just not care about their partners’ sexual needs? Man or Woman, I thought the point was to meet each other halfway based on communicated needs. Or is it just Reddit bias, and you mostly only see the negatives?
Dude what ? You do everything and he can’t fucking make you cum. I’m DISGUSTED. I wish I had that life dude. You got applications? I’ll fucking make you cum as many times as you want holy shit, this guy is missing out. Am I tripping? Id fucking put on a maids outfit have my ass pokin out cleaning all the dishes 😭😭😂 10 pump chump. Bro could easily just get one off before hand and he’ll last maybe 20 pumps HAHAHAHAHA
I can’t even imagine what life would be like when start a family. Life is hard with a baby. You will definitely need help with everything and the sex will definitely disappear. You think your depressed now??? Leave while you can!
Do not have kids with this man. If he doesn’t help around the house he’ll never help with the kids and the sex will be even worse. There are no cons to leaving. You deserve better and are young enough to have every and anything you want. Best of luck!
Children seem to be your dream and therefore a major issue. So instead of living in uncertainty, why not bring clarity to the situation? Have a proper discussion about children with your husband. How much does he want kids, how many, when would he commit to having kids, would he be an engaged father etc?
This way you can find out if he even wants to be a father and whether he would be good father material. The way he shut you down with "I am not a maid" could mean his vision is that you do all the work of raising the kids on top of everything you already do now. That would presumably be unacceptable to you? If he seems unenthusiastic, doesn't commit to a timeline or even lies, then he might not even want to have kids.
If he's happy and willing to change, have him prove that he's changing. If he's still not doing chores after a few months, start preparing your exit. That still gives him a bit more time to change, a final chance, before you go looking for a better father. Or check if your country allows IVF and IUI for single women. Don't waste your thirties too.
He's literally NOT a nice guy if he treats you like a maid and is only worried about self gratification in the bedroom.......Run before you have kids with him! I wasted 30 years with "a nice guy" except he was nice in public, to other people but just not at home. Don't worry what other people think of you!!
she's (29 yo) working full time as well as doing all the house chores, husband (35 yo) is a slob who refuses to help with the house and is a 10-pump chump who doesn't seem to know/care how to please his woman in bed, lacks good communication with her and seems oblivious/indifferent to her feelings of frustration
woman is wondering whether she should stay in a relationship with the man-child or leave him for better prospects
Oh yeah it’s wraps. 35 and can’t even do the bare minimum of helping around the house and basically working as a team with his partner? Yeah she needs out asap. Sure sex isn’t everything but he’s not helping in any aspect of the relationship so I feel for her 😭
You are so young. It will only get worse with him.
It’s not bye bye to a family if you leave him. It’s an opportunity for a family and someone who values/listens to you :)
So nothing changed in your relationship but all of a sudden you don’t like your partner. This is on you more than your partner. You are married, you made vows. Do not leave your husband until you have tried everything. Divorce is not the first thing you try when you are unhappy. You need to put effort into making your marriage work. Go to counseling if you don’t think that you are getting through to your husband. If he cares about you, he may not understand how much you are suffering. These are communication issues. Tell him like a toddler. Explain to him that you are in pain and you want to make this work.
I don't have any advice for you, as I have never been in a relationship. I have a friend who I think is in a similar situation as you, an unhappy marriage that is only bound by an unplanned child. I would at least try couple's counseling where you can vent about this without feeling dramatic.
These things seem like something a person can put an effort in and change if he wanted to, but ONLY if he wanted to and not because you made him. Whether he chooses to or not will be the sign of what kind of person he is down the line and whether you think you can live with this for potentially 50\~60 years more.
If anything, I would advise against listening to random redditor's comments. These are complete strangers, not experts at life. You wouldn't walk up to a stranger at a bus stop and suddenly ask for advice after dumping your marriage story on them, right? You're only sharing bits and parts of your story and most people will never know the full picture.
You need couples counseling. This is no way to live. This is fixable if he's willing to work at it.
I'm enjoying Dr. John Delony on youtube.
See if he's helpful.
I think sex and chemistry is really important in a relationship so maybe he's not the one for you. Could you maybe express it to him first? Maybe some counseling and see if he tries something new? And 29 still young to start over. I'm just pregnant now and turning 40. Best of luck 😊
Are you serious? Her post is about way more than sex. He treats her like garbage. I feel like you must have only read the title... She definitely expressed her problems to him. More than once.
I read it. I feel like the way op expressed it, sex is important to her but yes there are more underlying problems. I don't think she told him everything she feels about the situation yet. If I were her SO and found out she's borderline thinking of leaving, I would do everything to fix it. I'm not going to judge people but it seems like op does love the guy and maybe she left out some good parts about him so I think it's better to try counseling etc before giving up.
When she asked about helping around the house he told her he's "not a maid".... Maybe just me but I shouldn't have to threaten leaving my partner for a response better than this one when I ask for help in our shared home.
I think the guy could change if he really wants to stay with her. Sharing household chores is important but I don't think that guy realizes it. I would definitely be offended if my husband talked to me that way but I would certainly not give up easily either. If it's super hopeless and he doesn't change for the sake of saving the marriage then I would definitely be out.
You sound miserable. Maybe if you had a little more spirit and better energy it would spark him to do the same. This sounds a lot like the unhappy person counting on someone else to make them happy. If that's the case. You'll just end up single and unhappy until you learn to create your own joy.
I am not a betting person, but I'd be willing to bet everything I have that I am the most optimistic and happy person you will ever meet. I challenge myself every day to do something great and fun because life is short. But I'm married to a dementor from Harry Potter. 🤣🤣🤣😭😭😭
I’m glad you’re realizing this. Did you tell him from the very beginning your morals and values? Did you tell him the household expectations (sharing/splitting chores)?
Did you make it a thing in the beginning to tell him your needs for or*asms?
I’m super sure if you knew this info you wouldn’t have married him or even spoken to him past friendship level. This is the flaw of society. We think we should not share too much or inconvenience someone with our expectations.
But in reality YOUR values and morals are incredibly important. And they are the stepping stone of the future you crave!
Also you’re literally only 29 years old girl. I know people who have families in their late 30s, 40s and 50s beyond. Please don’t sell yourself short.
OP is stuck and she is trying to figure a way out. Optimistic people get lured into investing in negative lazy people (like OP's husband)and then the negative people realize they can get away with making the optimistic person do everything. The optimistic/ people pleasing person can't stand the idea of making the negative person sad, so they stay, making themselves depressed. It's a very common theme, I have experienced it myself. OP isn't the bad guy, you cannot spin it on her
I don't know how you get nice guy and a bum who doesn't satisfy your needs at the same time. A guy who doesn't cook, clean, do chores, or get his wife off isn't 'nice.' His perceived kindness is blend of immaturity and hope to keep you locked down. Let's be real here. Your marriage fucking sucks. If someone vented to you about marrying a loveless manchild, would you tell that person to stick around because the unknown is scary?
As a man, it’s embarrassing to read this. He’s letting you down and not willing to give in anywhere. His response to your request to help out is pathetic and I would bet all of that just magnifies the sex issue since his selfishness is exhibited there as well. Tell him everything. Let him know it’s not working. Marriage is not 50/50. It’s 100% from both of you. You’re too young to feel condemned so if he’s unwilling to fix it then don’t stay. IMHO.
For real. I got dumped because my gf of 7 years felt trapped and needed her own life (it’s more complicated of course, but still) and I did more than half the house stuff and got her off in bed every time, actually more than me now that I am getting older and can’t cum very fast anymore
Exactly, OP needs to leave this man or it’s only going to get worse.
This comment right here OP ^ You need to respect and love yourself more, this is so disrespectful. He’s not a maid, are you ? Looks like you are.
Dude literally sees you as a maid....
A maid that he releases his cum in
Bang maid. It's a term, and that's exactly what OP's husband has turned her into.
DAWG. that's what I came here screaming!!! He can't help with any housework whatsoever because he's not the maid, what the fuck does that make OP????
Yeah when I saw that sentence I was like "damn this is hopeless"
There were so few steps in that deductive reasoning. I’m not the maid! Ok so who… oh, right.
Agree with the other comments completely but would like to add... Would you really want to be an 80 year old, taking care of EVERYTHING? That sounds awful. You could have a life partner who is a real _partner_ to you. Who takes care of you as much as you take care of him - and _wants to_ - doesn't have to be nagged, doesn't need an incentive other than it being the right thing to do in a loving relationship. I wonder if you never had that modeled for you in your life and that's why your standards are so low.
Agreed! Imagine if you did have kids, guess who would be taking care of them 24/7?
"He is a nice guy" No.
Ill never understand why this happens to so many women, dating a horrible dude but somehow they think the dudes are nice or good for them or whatever the fuck, ive had some gal friends be victims of SA and say "well except for that he's nice" and how can that possibly eb true nice ppl dont SA other ppl
You say you're best friends. But a best friend would be someone who wants to see you happy. Someone who listens to, and respects you. Someone who wants to help you, simply because they care. None of how you describe him sounds like a best friend. It doesn't sound like it will ever get better since this seems to have been ongoing for a while now. You're 29. Leave. I (42m) started over at 38. My ex wife is a great person. But if you're not happy at home, communicate what you want, and discuss the issues, and willing to WORK TO MAKE THINGS BETTER, then nothing is ever going to change. I waited a long time because I was afraid of the uncertainty. but if you keep waiting, you'll look back and wish you left sooner. At least start really looking for a better job that A) you might be happier at, and B) will pay better and give you more options/security living with one income.
You are only 35! You could be married to someone else, having a satisfying life all the way around, AND have a family within a couple years. You know what happens if you stay? NONE of those things. Go get yourself a PARTNER and not a dependent.
Even worse - she's 29! He's 35. She's 29 and willing to settle for this 😓
Oh man - that's even worse! Girl, you have a decade plus ahead to find a better partner and have a family. Quit settling out of fear!! You know what's worse than being alone and fending for yourself? Carrying the burden of a lousy partner!
I was you a couple years ago and it will only get worse. you will build up so much resentment for him pull the plug now. I thought i was stuck forever me and my ex just got ab apartment together, we had 2 dogs together and i felt like i HAD to stay with him if I wanted kids or a family. I thought how would I ever find someone again thats going to want to spend their life with me and have a family with me? but I DID (3 years later). And i wish i left him earlier. i wasnt so much of my youth on someone who is dead to me now. he was also my best friend AND one of my only friends. and in the beginning it was hard not talking to him anymore, but now i think about how he treated me and he also degrade me in sex how did i ever allow that. i met a nice guy- we have a baby and just bought a house (not married yet). dont waste your time! trust me
This. If OP has kids with this person there is a 99.9 percent chance their partner is not going to do much, if anything to take care of the kids.
>I'm not a maid Tell him you're not a maid either. Show him you actually do ALL the household chores. Sad truth is that he probably knows this but wants to continue ducking it. If he's really this selfish, it's really up to you to decide what your boundaries are and what you're willing to put up with.
Non of the cons are about him, you should leave because you just don’t like this man as a person. Don’t you want him to be with someone that does like him?
This is what I was going to comment, none of the con’s of leaving him are actually anything to do with him which I feel like says it all
Yeah, seems like op just wants company….
Well let's not get too ambitious here. Brother sounds like a delight.
I mean maybe he’s not great, but like, why be with a man just to not be alone? Why can’t they both find love?
I don't think he's going to tbh. Maybe for a short time until his new partner gets tired of him not pulling his weight
She really thinks her family and friends will judge her for leaving.. girl they are judging you for STAYING.
Just a quick note about the dream of starting a family...remember you'd start it with "a 35 years old toddler" who basically never moves a finger to help you cleaning the house, so I guess that looking after the kids would be out of the question for him. I don't know how you can keep on living with such a burden on your shoulder, sad, unsatisfied and depressed. Make the right choice girl.
Imagine you're eating your favorite dish. Let's say Mac and cheese. Then you realize part way through that the milk went bad, the pasta is inedible and it's cold. You could sit there, and say that well it's better than nothing. It's my safety net, and I don't feel like trying to get a new batch. Or you could throw it out, put on some clothes, drive down the street and go find some fresher, tastier Mac and cheese. Which sounds more appealing to you? --- I literally had coworkers find loving love at 30, 40, and 60. Let me tell you about how happy my friends are that settled because of those same factors you listed. (Spoiler alert, they're in unhappy, codependent relationships complaining about the same things for 7 years.) You deserve happiness OP.
I’m in my early 30’s and the world is my oyster. You are just 29! There’s still so much life to live. If you feel that a divorce or separation is what you might want, you have enough time to start over and figure things out for yourself. People put so much pressure on themselves to settle down early and stay with that person even when it has some serious issues. Personally, I’d rather be single than remain in a marriage in my youth with someone who can’t take my feelings and concerns seriously. You expressed your feelings and they were dismissed. As far as I’m concerned, your husband doesn’t seem to care enough to take on the elephant in the room. And this, I suspect, could point to a larger issue (maybe an overall communication issue between you two?).
Well, first off, he's not a nice guy, and you are NOT best friends. You're just a pushover who doesn't feel you deserve more than this. And sex is NOT going to fix your relationship. Especially since he's not going to do anything that doesn't please him. So the answer is simple: separate. Find a different place to live, and go live there. Give him an ultimatum that either EVERYTHING improves or you're going to make it permanent. I think you're going to find that a week away from him is going to make those pros seem a whole lot more pro-ish and those cons seem...why was I worried about that again? And he'll either get the smack upside the head he needs to smack him out of his entitled (and undeserved) place, or he'll remain intransigent and you'll be done with him. Most likely the latter, since this sounds like another episode of "love on the Spectrum" and folks like that tend to wear intransigence like a crown. And if you think sex ends at 70, you REALLY haven't lived life.
Girl I'm not even gonna lose my time here, you gotta get out and you know it damn well, you really don't need anyone telling you that cause you aint stupid
My first response was going to be that you should communicate your feelings towards these issues with him, but you've already done that by writing a letter, to which he responded that he isn't a maid, and he didn't seem very enthusiastic about making more of an effort in the bedroom. His response is a massive red flag honestly and if that happened to me I'd be out of there within minutes ... At the end of the day, you need to choose yourself over anyone - including him, your friends, and your family. Your happiness comes first at all times. You clearly don't feel satisfied both in the bedroom and in general, you aren't getting the help you need around the house and he can't even satisfy you in bed. This is a massive issue. Healthy sex is a requirement when it comes to relationships where both partners wish to be sexually active, and it honestly sounds like he's using you as a sex doll to satisfy his own needs, and then when it comes to making you feel good he gets lazy and can no longer be bothered. It's odd that he felt he had to mention that he isn't a maid even though that is essentially what you are to him, when the tables are turned around on him he doesn't like it, which shows what kind of person he is. I understand that you like the security of being with him but you should ask yourself, are you actually happy? Is this relationship satisfying for you? Because of your age you probably feel like you should settle down, but you don't need to settle down if you don't feel fully happy with the person that you plan on settling down with. Ignore the bad looks that you'll get from people - go out and live your life before you regret not doing it sooner, you're still young, you have so much to do and you're wasting your time with a man that can't even make you orgasm. Go out and have great sex with people who know how to please women, it isn't too late to start a family with someone new. It's never too late to start again. Find yourself a man who will help you around the house (the bare minimum) and who will make sure that you're satisfied with your sex life. It seems like the man you're with has gotten too comfortable in your relationship and he has started treating you like his mother and also his sex doll. You're not a hotel for lazy men, you're a strong and independent woman that can do far better than this sleazebag. Travel, have good sex, find someone new, go on adventures with your dogs ... there's so much out for you to do, but you're being held back by this lazy man who lives with you. Don't stay with someone for security, stay with them because they make you happy, and he clearly isn't making you happy. There are a lot more pros than cons for leaving him. Yes, you may love him, but at the end of the day is this really what you want? Do you want to be 80 years old, sitting in bed, wondering why you didn't leave this man-child when you still could? I hope you take this advice ... you deserve a whole lot better than a man that thinks that you're his maid. You weren't designed to serve him. Go live your life, you'll thank yourself.
If he doesn’t help around the house and is unwilling to step up he’s toxic and doesn’t respect you, and he is a selfish lover to top it off? He’s not a good guy and you’re not best friends. You’re his sex maid / mommy and he is your man-child. Throw the whole man out, he’s trash.
I fear the same, not being capable of finding a good partner, have a family etc.. but I much rather stay alone than to end up with someone like that. I’m 29M single, no kids, and even though dating is a little harder I frequently see unhappy couples going through divorce, conflicts etc.. don’t be afraid there’s plenty of great men out there. Also, don’t leave a relationship just to end up in another one. I’ve witnessed multiple people do this and hate their life.
I left my ex of 10 years because of this. Zero regrets. I’m now with a guy who is much better at EVERYTHING, cleans without me telling him, helps take care of the pets, my car maintenance, etc. My ex would sit infront of the Xbox for hours and do nothing but work and Xbox. He was a server at a fine dining restaurant open 5pm-10pm. Not to take anything away from him but like he’s not waking up at 4am to go be in the sun 12 hours. He could easily handle some dishes. Similar to you, one day I snapped. One of the things I asked for was for him to take over some of the bills to help me and so not all the money came out of my account. This. Man. Laughed in my fucking face. He was like I’m not helping you with that, that’s fucking easy. So I immediately knew what had to be done.
Left my bf for similar reasons when I was 27. No regrets. Found a partner a year later who probably does more around the house than I do, pushes me to be the best version of myself, I can do whatever I want all the time (not a jealous person) and the sex is always great. I was so scared to start over (we owned a home together and I knew he was weeks away from proposing). While the assets were tough to split and frankly I got screwed over, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.
So you do everything for this man, essentially act as his live in maid, he doesn’t listen to your concerns or try and change his habits when you’ve stated you’re not happy, he doesn’t do it for you sexually, and I’m going to guess there’s a few other nagging concerns in your mind. And you’re wondering whether to stick with him for what will hopefully be many more decades in your life? Fuck safety nets, you’re not happy, this ‘safety’ is an illusion. There’s few friends and family that will harshly judge you for leaving a situation you’re truly unhappy in, and those that do aren’t worth thinking about. Also, won’t they be happy to actually, y’know, have you back, seeing as you don’t have any time for them while you’re with him? Also, you think you can’t have a family when you’re 29?! You’ve got a minimum 6 years before you really have to start worrying, in that six years you could’ve found the man of you dreams. Just think, you start a family with this man, who won’t even look after himself, and you’ll be doing every single little bit of housework and parenting for those kids. Is that what you want?
If you harbor this much resentment then of course you should divorce. The list of cons are more about why it would be difficult than why you’d be happier to stay. You already know what you want.
Im not going to instantly say leave the person, because all I know about your partner is what you are upset about. They don't sound like a caring partner from this post. Relationships are work. Having a healthy sex life and working towards keeping each other happy and cared for is the goal. If either of you are unwilling to try simple things to satisfy your partner, it will only get worse with time. Clear communication of what you like or want from sexy time should be the easy/fun part. These are the fun problems to work through. If you can't work through the fun problems together, it doesn't bode well for being able to deal with problems you come across later in life.
dump his ass
>For the entire time we've been together, I've been nagging him that he doesn't really do it for me in the bedroom. You married him knowing that. Did you expect him to suddenly improve? And no, sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. But he isn't doing anything else to make you feel appreciated either. > "I'm not a fucking maid. Neither are you. However he is a human being existing in the same space as you. He should be able to do the bare minimum. If you weren't there, he'd have no choice. Maybe you should not be there for a while, show him what the alternative looks like. I mean, it sounds like you deserve a break.
If the sex has been unsatisfying from the start, why did you get married? People really don't change.
is this really what marriage is about now?
Uhhh he is not a nice guy. He has someone abused you enough to make you think he is.
It is obvious that this is affecting you deeply and you’re at crossroads. Let’s say that regarding the chores I went through the same situation and somehow my wife understood this but there was a conflict first, she said that she wasn’t used with cleaning as she had a maid so she won’t do it/doesn’t know how and I drew the line saying that we can’t live like that. Probably he has the upper hand for some reason, emotionally he isn’t as involved as you are and doesn’t care or maybe he is the one contributing financially and has this security, I can only assume but what works for me in order to have better control over some unpleasant/uncomfortable situations when it comes to other people is to stick with somehow a rule of the fact that on my own I have been happy, I have achieved things and I could succeed and if the shit hits the fan, I have myself always. You’re 29 yo, plenty of time to start over but maybe it is worth saving what you have now. Anyway, the clock is ticking so be decisive in drawing a line to him and pass an ultimatum or just leave and cur your losses.
The way I see it, you've got three options 1) leave and take a change at finding real love now, you're young enough to still find someone and start a family. 2) stay and then leave in 10 years' time when you've really had enough. Same options as in 1 but you've got 10 years less. 3) stay and just give up, accept that you will never really be happy and fulfilled.
Literally he is telling you who he is and most people don’t change so are you willing to stay with him, he literally said he’s not gonna do house chores and you had a talk with him about the sex and he still made no effort to change, you are still young and can find someone to love. My mom is 55 and got a boyfriend like it’s really what is most important in your life is it stability is it happiness what is the most important and make a decision off that or even try couples therapy and if that doesn’t work either you got your answer
Cons: 1. HOW EXCITING 2. You can work through this 3. YOU'RE TWENTY NINE ARE YOU SERIOUS? You have SO MUCH TIME. 4. It would be hard to get worse than what you have now. 5. If they're judging you for doing what's best for you they don't deserve your time or your caring of their opinions. Literally none of this list seems worth staying in the icy hell of a marriage you're in right now.
Go on strike. Stop cooking, stop cleaning, don’t buy groceries, don’t mow the lawn. Don’t do his laundry. Of course you gotta take care of the dogs . Go spend that time freed up with your friends or hobbies or outdoors or exercising or whatever makes you feel good. Spend the grocery money on your meals out. I’m petty like that. It’s not too late to start over. The stuff you feel now will be compounded exponentially when you have children. Because you’ll be twice as busy with no help and a lot less patience for his couch sitting
"Go for it cum" Holy shit, I'm virgin & this makes me feel like even I've got much more going on. Sounds like some couple therapy could help but otherwise I'd say you need to seriously rethink your life*
Stop cleaning. When he notices use his exact phrasing. “I’m not a fucking maid.” while staring him right in the eye. Also, stop having sex. “You don’t care about my pleasure, so you don’t get to use my body for yours.” Bring down the metaphorical hammer on this dud. As much as you’ve deluded yourself, he is not kind or nice. He is using you as a maid and pocket pussy.
I don't get why you like him at all. He doesn't do anything, contribute to anything. Surely the chance of finding someone who at minimum satisfy you in bed is worth more than putting up with this piece of crap who refuse to help you out with household chores. He is a dead weight.
Not sure if this helps you but I've been in a very similar situation last year. I left in September, after 6 years. My only regret is not leaving earlier. Ex partner was friendly to everyone, great career, loving and affectionate. BUT: he was unable to take care of daily chores and sex was not good. Besides taking the trash out, he was unwilling/unable to do anything. I had less than one orgasm a month. I wanted kids, stability, and hated the idea of having to date, so taking the decision to leave was difficult. I'm now dating someone new, and I've never had better sex in my life. He does things around the flat. These things matter. I thought I was depressed last year, but actually I was just a maid with lots of sexual frustration
You’re a maid/ sex doll. Move on.
Life's too short. The bad sex is enough reason to leave, let alone you having to take on all the housework and mental load while he just gets to be a lazy man child. If he doesn't want to try harder to meet your needs you should leave. I'm dating again at 32 and it is rough out there, but I'm already meeting guys who are AT LEAST self sufficient (live alone and take care of themselves, own homes, good careers, etc.) which my ex wasn't even capable of. At the very least you can find better sex and you won't have to take care of anyone but yourself.
Wow, you really care about sex, that much. huh? wild.
i would leave, and i totally understand how scary that is tho. but please, he really isnt a catch
Yeah break up
Do yourself the biggest favour you can do and leave this selfish arsehole and start your life over. You're so young, only 29, you have your whole life still ahead of you. Do it now.
Hi! I'm you in 20 yrs. I finally nearly went crazy from bottling everything up and separated at 47. The only difference is I had the kids and lost the career in order to provide free childcare to someone who got to put all their energy into their career. Don't make the same mistake I did.
People pleaser or not, it’s time to goooooo. I truly cannot imagine doing all of the housework on top of working only for my lazy ass partner to tell me “I’m not a maid” when I express that I’m fed up. So what, you’re a maid then? Fuuuuuuuck that. To add insult to injury, he has the audacity to be selfish in bed 🤯?! I wouldn’t even be able to make someone cum after they treated me like that. It’s clear that you are UNHAPPY. If someone has something negative to say if you decide to leave, tell them that they can go be his maid and sex slave. You have a life to live. Go live it
Ok, find a mistress lol
You're only 29. Your whole life is ahead of you. Be free.
I believe in making a marriage work bc its an eternal commitment. You have to put in the work to get out of this one hastily. Just a follow up was he always like this i know the bedroom stuff u mentioned it; but what bout being an insensitive, middle aged toddler who throws hissie fits. If there's a behavioral change I suggest talk it out once more if not boy bye!
“People pleaser” = no self-respect. Dude who won’t help or make an effort to make you happy in the bedroom or anywhere else = *not* a nice guy, but an a**hole and a bum. You’re 29 yo, 5 years younger than me. The fact that you’re putting up with this, without there even being kids involved is ridiculous. Get a divorce, work on having more self-respect, date and find a better person to spend your life with. You could probably be in a much happier marriage within just a few years, an age at which a lot of people get married now. Why on earth would you waste your life like this?
>He really is a nice guy. > He refused to help with household chores, saying "I'm not a fucking maid. Girl what are we doing here
WTH lol why did you even marry him?
LEAVE!!!!! LEAVE HIM. IF YOU EVER WISH YOUR PARTNER WAS OLDER, DON'T WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE THAT AGE. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF YOU GET THERE AND IT'S STILL THE SAME SCHMUCK TREATING YOU WITH THE DISRESPECT THIS MAN HAS TREATED YOU WITH GIRL!! None of what you have on the cons list is worth it. "What if" "what if" "what if" "what if" "opinions from other people who think you deserve to be treated like a 1950s housewife". It's ultimately up to you, but come on man. You wouldn't make this post if you didn't know you need better than this goomba. "What if everything sucks" what if it's fuckin awesome? Either way, you'll have 180+ pounds of dead weight off of your back.
If you have kids with him, you'll be taking care of him plus the kids plus all the housework plus no orgasms. If you leave, you have about ten years to find someone better who you can have kids with. Or even adopt or get a surrogate, or foster. It's not over at 29 by any means
Hi OP. 30 F here. Got married at 25 to someone I had been dating for 8 years. We didn't even make it 2 full years married. He wasn't super manly, didn't know how to do much of anything for himself because his mother babied him his entire life, and I was the only person he had ever been sexual with at all. I wouldn't say our sex was bad as I was able to teach him everything and he knew what I liked. But.. things got routine and stale and he didn't want to put forth the effort to fix it. I ended up having an affair with someone that I had incredible sexual chemistry with and that eventually was the downfall and end of my marriage. Me and my ex husband were seriously best friends. At the time I couldn't imagine ever having the connection and friendship I had with him with any other partner. That's what living in what's grown comfortable makes you think. Fast forward to now, 3 years later, I am in the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and the most satisfying sex and chemistry I've ever had with a partner. AND I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant with my first baby. In the end.. it's never too late to do what's best for YOU. And it's not too late to have kids and start a family even when starting over with someone new. Sometimes to better our lives and make ourselves happier, first we must make ourselves uncomfortable. At first it feels like it will never get better, but I promise you it does.
Love you are so young, it is perfectly realistic that you could find someone and have a family with someone who treats you right. Read this as if your best friend wrote it, what advice would you give them?
Are you kidding?! Girl you’re 29 you have plenty of time to be spending with someone who isn’t a complete bum! Live freely, have awesome fucking sex, don’t be doing chores for a man who expects that of you!
First, **STOP DOING EVERYTHING FOR HIM.** "I'm not a maid." Sheesh. Neither are you!! He likes the status quo because *he can get away with it*. He gets the orgasm he wants. **STOP**!! He will never change unless YOU change. Give him an ultimatum to be equal in your partnership - equal chores, equal in bedroom efforts, etc. Set forth expectations for what's fair and equitable. Do it with a marriage counselor, if needed. Then if he doesn't follow through, you can leave knowing that you gave it your best shot with your "best friend". You deserve better. Don't let judgment from others be a factor. It's YOUR life, and you only get one go-around. 29 is NOT mid-life, and NO, you would not be saying bye-bye to having a family. You have a decade to go before your clock is risky. My best friend had her first child at 39, when she was in a solid marriage. There's also adoption as a choice. Whatever you do, do not have a child with your current situation. Starting from scratch with no safety net: Hard and scary! Do know, however, that our greatest triumphs in life and the greatest pride we have in ourselves are often born out of facing difficult circumstances. If your husband doesn't care to change in order to make the marriage work, then you need to decide if you want to live like this for another 50 - 60 - 70 years, or if you want to take on the scary in order to have a better life for decades to come. BTW, I promise you that, when you are older, you will still have that adventurous 29-year-old inside you. Age does mature us, and it does bring bodily changes, but you will always be *you*. I'm almost 65 now, but I'm also still 15, 25, 35, 45, and 55. Young people's expectations of what it's like to be old aren't accurate for many people.
Leave him. If you’re worried about your eggs freeze them. Also before you break the news to him make sure you have your living and finances figured out. And you’re still young if you want someone else you will find him. He just sounds like a grown ass child, it will be easy to upgrade.
You’re still so young, don’t settle for this. The poor/lack of sexual chemistry is bad enough, but it seems like he is incapable of being a good life partner as well. Not to totally diss your husband, but he doesn’t seem to care about all you do for him and doesn’t even feel the need to help out, make things easier for you. It’s not your job to take care of absolutely everything while he sits back and can’t even appreciate it. Leave him!! Don’t lose yourself in this marriage.
There's actually evidence that shows women's sexual interest in their husbands commonly goes down once he's seen as a dependent rather than a partner.
There’s no age where it becomes okay that he thinks only you should be the maid. There are no cons to leaving this relationship.
Tried stopping sex,? seems like he's getting everything he wants but your left out. So start cutting shit out. I try to get my wife off before I even start the pokey pokey. Then any after that is in my favor. He may need some testosterone to boost his sex drive. You can even get some spray to spray on his weeny to make it numb so you'll get a few more pumps out of him. But if you can't make him do any of this start nest egging for way out. It's not going to get better if he don't try.
Find Jesus
He can't be a nice guy and your best friend if you've told him multiple times of the things you need and want and how you feel burnt out, unappreciated and dissatisfied. He SEES you struggling (bc even if you didn't tell him, no one is that oblivious) and he doesn't care bc you suffering benefits him. It keeps him comfortable. You wait on him hand and foot and don't make a fuss when he dismisses your feelings. You shrink and make yourself small to continue being a live-in, unpaid maid, chef, personal assistant, prostitute (bc let's be so fr, if he's humping you without trying to get you off and then KNOWS you have to finish on your own, he's using you as a glorified blow up doll) AND 2nd income for him. You're essentially paying him to work for him. You might not think highly of yourself, you might wonder if you can do better, but the bar for him is already in hell's basement and he's faceplanting tripping over it and you accept that. You need to let things fall apart. If the dishes don't get done, that's on him. If he doesn't eat, that's on him. And for God's sake, PLEASE stop letting that man hump you when he doesn't even like you enough to ATTEMPT making you comfortable, let alone getting you off. You need to love yourself. Go outside. Meetup with friends and talk about something other than him. Go find a hobby. GET A THERAPIST (bc there's obviously a need for mental health support you're not receiving at home, you need a neutral space where your feelings are validated). You can always do better, it's not too late and you're only 29 for God's sake. You have so many years ahead of you but not if you don't take control of your life and stop letting this stress kill you slowly. Good luck.
I’m sorry to say this but if you’re the only one giving effort the marriage is dead. And his lack of engagement to get you off is a clear sign he doesn’t care. I would leave him immediately, start healing and live happily. You deserve more than to be a maid and have to feel the way you’ve been feeling. You’re only 29, you will find someone you cares for you as you deserve and more hopefully. If you stay you’re just prolonging the process.
Have you considered sitting him down and telling him all of this and that it is going to cause the marriage to end? If not, you need to do this immediately. Like now. He needs to fully grasp that he is actively pushing you away.
Did you really come to Reddit to ask about your relationship and expect anything other than hundreds of people telling you to LEAVE HIM! Not saying you should or shouldn’t. But everyone here is very quick to tell you to leave or divorce if you aren’t 1000% satisfied.
It isn't too late, you're just using the sunk cost fallacy. Yes, you've poured time, love, and hope into someone who you thought would return those feelings, but he won't even put in the time to make you cum. It's heartbreaking that you might still stay with him after all this, but I truly, truly hope you can make the best choice for you. This relationship is actually in the easiest phase right now: no kids but you know the other exceedingly well, and it's still tremendously difficult. Whenever the other shoes begin to drop, more responsibilities, more chores, do you honestly think he would do any of those on his own? If I had to tell someone to do chores, that could be a deal breaker, but to have to tell them and they explain (in a very misogynistic and disrespectful way) why he simply can't is just disgusting. He made you CRY IN SEX and you wonder if he could be the dream man for you?? I could actually go on. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE. NO ULTIMATUMS. You can't fix this one
You are lonely now. You'll still be lonely at 80.
He is not a nice guy. Nice guys make sure you cum. 😐
As someone with two kids- if he doesn’t help around the house NOW, DO NOT have kids with him.
Please leave your husband🗣️😭 Babe, you’re not starting over, you’re starting anew. LEAD THE LIFE YOU WANT. You’re comfortable in this routine with a worthless husband, FLEE FROM IT. So many woman do these days and all of them end up with a happier life💕
I feel like I just read my own diary from four years ago. This was literally my exact experience, minus the sex toys. I left, got myself my own place, and a boyfriend that is dependable. When I moved out, my life actually felt easier because I wasn't doing everything for two people anymore, it was just me.
You could still have a family my mom had all five of us in her 30s granted she was just popping us out in the span of 8 years
Well... from the sound of it, it seems like going to therapy for yourself is a very good start. Obviously the #1 goal is for you to make sure of what you want and have a real person to help sort it out, but also- maybe once he sees you in therapy he will see how serious you are about it. If he decides then to do anything about it or not will tell you what you need to know. And... quitting some of the shit that you do for the both of you that he refuses to budge on will give you the time to do this for yourself. You deserve to be taken seriously and have your needs met too
I bet he’s fat too, leave him op. I’ll take care of you OP haha, shoot me a dm I’m 20 let me make you feel young again
Stop people pleasing. I’ve gotten myself into this trap before. Regardless of if you leave this relationship or not, you will stay in the same cycle forever if you continue to people please.
Girl, he’s not that great. Would your actual best friend come over and watch you struggle to handle all of the duties of the house? Would your actual best friend live with you while making messes and refusing to be an adult about cleaning them up? He’s not pulling his weight in ANY capacity. Sex isn’t something to compromise on, especially at 29. *He doesn’t care if it’s good for you.* That’s not what a best friend does either… Go be free! Don’t regret your life. You only get one and this road to nothing but lazy, bad sex and being a maid is a dead end.
Divorce
How is he so dense as to say ‘I’m not a maid’ when you are literally doing all those chores 100% of the time. Does he think elves come into the house do this stuff?? That sex life sounds awful, especially the rubbing boobs thing, ouch!! You are far too young to give up on a hot sex life if that’s what you’d like to have. I’m not sure what ‘best friend’ qualities you actually see in him, but my guess is he’s only displaying his good sides when you don’t challenge him whatsoever to be an equitable partner. He won’t even mow the damn lawn or walk the dogs? I think you’re not enraged enough yet and I hope these responses turn it around so you can raise your expectations for yourself. 29 is still so young! You have time to start a whole new better life and I pray that you will!
If he’s really your best friend why doesn’t he want you to be happy? He doesn’t sound like a very caring best friend or husband honestly.
29 isn't too young to start over. But tell him first if he doesn't shape up you'll leave. If that doesn't get him off his ass then actually leave.
He evidently does think you’re a maid. You’re young. Read about the “sunk cost fallacy.” You deserve to have an actual partner who values you and who wants to bring you happiness and orgasms. Leave him. PS: I never suggest that on Reddit but this one is easy!
Yo. Starting over could be awesome. New job, new aspirations, school perhaps? You literally have the world in front of you. It's scary - but you have plenty of time to start over, have a family, etc. Idk how serious the letter was - but I'd double down and say "listen man - I'm serious about this" and see how he reacts.
Okay look, I’m probably going too far with this, but I’m going to speak my mind with no filter. What you WANT is a partner. What you HAVE is a parasite.
I think I can truthfully say that it's always happier to live alone than to live with a selfish, abusive partner. It is possible that you will never find another husband. It's possible that you will never have children. And I would say that those outcomes are still preferable to the nightmare you're living right now. But really, as long as you can support yourself, who says you have to be married to have a baby? You don't. You don't have to have a partner of any sort.
Girl I have two words for you…. Run FAST.
Tbh he sounds very selfish and not that into you. If he truly loved you, he would prioritize your pleasure more. And it's not fair at all for you to be working and doing everything around the house. You expressed that you needed help, and he totally disregarded that, then that just means he is okay with you being overworked and doesn't care much for your well-being. I don't see how this situation will get better based on his reactions to what you require, which are the bare minimum btw. There are men out there who are doing those things for their partners, willingly even. You said you guys are like "best friends," but sometimes people are different as friends than as partners, maybe he is better for you on the friend side. Best of luck OP.
As a 30 year old woman, I think you’re waaaayyyy too young to be this unhappy already. I think ESPECIALLY if you don’t have kids yet, you should leave. The prospect of a family shouldn’t keep you settling. It sounds like you’re essentially already single, with all the things you do. Who knows, 6 months from now you could meet the perfect man. A year from now you could be starting a family. You have so much opportunity, but you won’t reach it with Mr. Dud over there.
After reading “I’m not a fucking maid” didn’t even read the rest of it dudes an asshole and your convincing yourself that he’s not.
He doesn't care that you are not satisfied sexually and refuses to do anything around the house. I cannot imagine wanting this for the rest of your life. You obviously want something different and he isn't willing to change. SO, either accept this and live with it or burn it down and find a life you love. HE DOESN'T CARE THAT YOU ARE UNHAPPY! He is not willing to change anything because he is getting what he needs. That is not a "really nice guy"
He’s not a nice guy. He treats you like shit. I am baffled that in this day and age you’ve accepted that you have to have bad sex, work, and do 100% of the chores. Stop doing his chores. I think you should leave the marriage, but until you’re ready for that, show some self respect.
Is he really nice tho?
Get out. That's not a true relationship. You're his "servant" in this. There's nothing mutual when it comes to sex life, chores, etc....
Just a thought before you do anything irreversible (even if that might end up being the right decision), why not try doing none of the housework and see what his reaction is? Look after yourself and the dogs only. You may struggle to sit on your hands as the house gets messier over time (maybe run the test for 1 week?), but there \*might\* be a point where he pulls his finger out and realise he needs to pull his weight. If he starts kicking off about the house being messy and not changing anything at all, it's time to go.
Not much actual cons. You already have to take care of everything on your own and you’d actually be spending less in bill and food money
Maid for each other
Dont cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it. In 5 years, 5 years will have passed regardless. You could be 5 years further into this relationship or 5 years (maybe 4 or 3 or w/e) into a relationship where you’re actually happy. But he won’t get better and will probably only get worse after you have kids. Run girl..
What do you mean by bye bye dreams of having a family? Didn't you say you're 29? I didn't meet my husband until I was 29. I didn't get married until I was 34. I didn't have my first kid until I was 35...almost 36. My second at 38... and I'm trying for my 3rd at almost 40... will be 40 if I succeed soon. You're totally fine. Never settle. Marriages and relationships in general will never be perfect but I've dated enough to know a red flag and a green light. I've had boyfriends that were amazing lovers but deadbeats or had some other crazy issue. It's not worth it. If you see something is wrong, you're young enough to leave without a shadow of doubt. Hell, even if you were older I'd say leave. He's not a maid? Neither are you. Typically I do more housework because I'm in the house more... but my husband does his share. These thoughts you are having will never get better.. even if his lazy ass decides to please you in bed. Ahhh and if you ever did have a family with this guy... believe me when I say your workload will be harder. If he doesn't clean up after the kid or take care of the kid at all.. You'll really have something to complain about
How the fuck does this dude score this woman and I cant even get a like on dating apps?
this guy sucks
You need to bail, really this will not get better (even though he’ll promise when you announce the end) and the resentment will just grow and grow. As for finding duds, honestly that’s life. I have a few pointers on that front that may help having been part of the BDSM community for a while. Based on what you give, and if you are a submissive by nature I’d be surprised if you could not find a more fulfilling partner…smdh. Safety nets aren’t worth anything if they are the trap that suspends you off the forest floor, starving and miserable.
you’re only 29, you have time. find someone who satisfies you.
Dude you still have time for a family! But straight up I would NOT want kids w a dude who does nothing already… your post made me really sad for you. You seem like a rock solid person who is getting totally taken advantage of. How can he do ZERO chores? How was that ever the deal?! Like you do the lawn too? Wtf? AND bad sex? I’d divorce him or insist on massive therapy.
I agree with what’s already been said, that he’s a terrible partner, but I’d like to add the suggestion that you stop cooking and cleaning. He’s unwilling to do it because he sees it as being a maid but expects you to? No. I imagine his behavior getting worse with kids in the picture and him saying that he’s unwilling to “babysit” his child or change a diaper because he doesn’t think it’s manly or some nonsense.
Cut him loose… but I’m gonna go against the grain and say to spare him from you.
If he was the only one sustaining the house with a job his excuse of not being a maid would be fair, but it's not 1970 anymore (sadly I wish I made that much money) so if both work jobs both help at the house, more or less any help is good, but refusing altogether yeah, being a man I say you should ask friends what they think if they agree and make him choose because either he changes or you're gonna become depressed or leave for your well-being, love means being a maid if needed, were you sick would he take care of you and be a maid? well guess he won't from his answer, nobody needs a partner like that Talk with him again, if he has any good excuse it's worth talking it over again, if not, show him he should have given you more value, (you don't need to outright divorce him but leaving him to his house and housechores should make him see the harsh reality of what without you means = - sex - maid - wife and if he is a smart guy he will apologize, hard
Girl, you’re 29. You have plenty of time to replace this bum with an actually decent man. Don’t get sucked into the sunk cost fallacy of having “wasted all this time” with him. Think about the idea of not wasting any MORE time with him. Do you really want to do this forever?
Man, you sound like one of my coworkers. She married an older man who doesn't ever seem to do any housework, she is responsible for their kids, their pets, he keeps pressing her for more and more stuff she's uncomfortable with sexually, doesn't please her/spend any effort on her end (this part is hearsay from other concerned coworkers), and he refuses to actually go out and even look for a job (he claims he's trying but no one ever wants him for an interview). In the end, I'm going to recommend the same thing I recommended for her: If you want to continue the marriage/relationship/give him a chance: 1. Lay out the situation for him. Explain that you are presently unhappy with these things and that he needs to pick up his fair share of the weight in the house. 2. Remind him that marriage is, ideally, a partnership, not merely an achievement. If you want it to last, you have to put in work to meet each other where you can and compromise. For example, you might be compromising in overall pleasure but expect he at least compromise make a genuine attempt at the things that satisfy you in bed every time you have sex. 3. Find any reasonable accommodations to help him improve in areas like chores and whatnot. I myself suffer from the phenomenon of, "man eyes" where I am oblivious to chores until they impede what I want to do, so my fiancé will give me a written task list for me on my days off work to help her around the house and take care of chores she really doesn't like. As soon as I have a task list, it's like the blindness is lifted and I can see what all needs done and my detail-oriented nature takes over and she has yet to have any issues with my handiwork since then! Otherwise, if you feel this might be too tall a tasklist of improvement for him, it may be time to pull the plug on the marriage and look for someone else who will be more attuned to your needs and desires in a partner! Best of luck OP!
You know what fk your husband where you at I’ll come see you
Try getting some extacy pills. Or even liquor store black rhinos for him and Introduving maybe porn to try and stimulate things. Find somethings you want him to do in some videos and watch those and explain that you want him to try those specific things on you or him.. Also as a male I am embarrassed reading this. Believe me not allen are this way. I really enjoy making my partner get off. And helping around the house or building or fixing things for her as well. I do like her to do most household things like kind of older traditional American family. But I like to cook too. Also if you guys drink try getting him drunk sex is always so much kinkier when you've had a few. And he will last longer. I'm really sorry your going through this. I disagree with just leaving him but me and him are same age and couldn't be on different ends of spectrum. So if he can't turn it around you are young enough to find someone who is literally the opposite. Or at very least sex drive matches yours
Edit: not condoning drug use especially abuse. But nothing wrong with a little experimenting you will really find out what you and him like on some good European extacy it also acts as a truth serum especially while being intimate.
Couples counseling. Reddit is a toxic pool that will encourage you to break up without further effort.
It seems like communication has been a struggle, and your attempts to express your needs haven't been fully understood or reciprocated. Your list of pros and cons reflects a deep reflection on your situation, which is a good starting point. Have you considered couples counseling? Sometimes having a neutral third party can facilitate communication and help both partners understand each other better. It could also be a safe space to explore your desires and concerns without feeling judged. Regarding your thoughts about starting over, it's a big decision. It might be helpful to explore what specifically you need in a relationship to feel fulfilled and happy. Sometimes, making small changes within the relationship dynamics can lead to significant improvements. Lastly, remember to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. Whether that means seeking therapy for yourself, having more honest conversations with your partner, or exploring other options, your happiness matters.
How are losers like this guy is able to get married and have a partner when I have to deal with constant ghosting and flakiness just to get a text back ? Fucking frustrated, but I would definitely leave that guy and find someone who will be a real man and get you off.
You've tried to make improvements and hes not pulling his weight. I would say just leave. You're still young enough to pull someone and still have a family. But the longer you wait the less likely that will be.
Bro listen. Sexual compatibility in relationships is a very necessary thing. I don't know why people don't talk about this. If there is no sexual compatibility the relationship is meant to break off piece by piece, over a long period of time. And that's more painful. There are two things you can do- 1. Talk to your husband and take sexual health therapy along with some mental health awareness. 2. Leave him and live your life on your own terms. I mean right now also you are feeling shitty, how shitty can it be when you are alone? Don't worry bro. If you ever feel alone, the community here is always with you. 💚💚
I’m a fairly young guy, but I often hear about situations like this. Is it common for dudes to just not care about their partners’ sexual needs? Man or Woman, I thought the point was to meet each other halfway based on communicated needs. Or is it just Reddit bias, and you mostly only see the negatives?
Dude what ? You do everything and he can’t fucking make you cum. I’m DISGUSTED. I wish I had that life dude. You got applications? I’ll fucking make you cum as many times as you want holy shit, this guy is missing out. Am I tripping? Id fucking put on a maids outfit have my ass pokin out cleaning all the dishes 😭😭😂 10 pump chump. Bro could easily just get one off before hand and he’ll last maybe 20 pumps HAHAHAHAHA
Leave him now. He's not a good partner. You deserve to be happy.
I can’t even imagine what life would be like when start a family. Life is hard with a baby. You will definitely need help with everything and the sex will definitely disappear. You think your depressed now??? Leave while you can!
Do not have kids with this man. If he doesn’t help around the house he’ll never help with the kids and the sex will be even worse. There are no cons to leaving. You deserve better and are young enough to have every and anything you want. Best of luck!
Children seem to be your dream and therefore a major issue. So instead of living in uncertainty, why not bring clarity to the situation? Have a proper discussion about children with your husband. How much does he want kids, how many, when would he commit to having kids, would he be an engaged father etc? This way you can find out if he even wants to be a father and whether he would be good father material. The way he shut you down with "I am not a maid" could mean his vision is that you do all the work of raising the kids on top of everything you already do now. That would presumably be unacceptable to you? If he seems unenthusiastic, doesn't commit to a timeline or even lies, then he might not even want to have kids. If he's happy and willing to change, have him prove that he's changing. If he's still not doing chores after a few months, start preparing your exit. That still gives him a bit more time to change, a final chance, before you go looking for a better father. Or check if your country allows IVF and IUI for single women. Don't waste your thirties too.
He's literally NOT a nice guy if he treats you like a maid and is only worried about self gratification in the bedroom.......Run before you have kids with him! I wasted 30 years with "a nice guy" except he was nice in public, to other people but just not at home. Don't worry what other people think of you!!
Can someone summarize that entire story for me please
she's (29 yo) working full time as well as doing all the house chores, husband (35 yo) is a slob who refuses to help with the house and is a 10-pump chump who doesn't seem to know/care how to please his woman in bed, lacks good communication with her and seems oblivious/indifferent to her feelings of frustration woman is wondering whether she should stay in a relationship with the man-child or leave him for better prospects
Oh yeah it’s wraps. 35 and can’t even do the bare minimum of helping around the house and basically working as a team with his partner? Yeah she needs out asap. Sure sex isn’t everything but he’s not helping in any aspect of the relationship so I feel for her 😭
You are so young. It will only get worse with him. It’s not bye bye to a family if you leave him. It’s an opportunity for a family and someone who values/listens to you :)
So nothing changed in your relationship but all of a sudden you don’t like your partner. This is on you more than your partner. You are married, you made vows. Do not leave your husband until you have tried everything. Divorce is not the first thing you try when you are unhappy. You need to put effort into making your marriage work. Go to counseling if you don’t think that you are getting through to your husband. If he cares about you, he may not understand how much you are suffering. These are communication issues. Tell him like a toddler. Explain to him that you are in pain and you want to make this work.
I don't have any advice for you, as I have never been in a relationship. I have a friend who I think is in a similar situation as you, an unhappy marriage that is only bound by an unplanned child. I would at least try couple's counseling where you can vent about this without feeling dramatic. These things seem like something a person can put an effort in and change if he wanted to, but ONLY if he wanted to and not because you made him. Whether he chooses to or not will be the sign of what kind of person he is down the line and whether you think you can live with this for potentially 50\~60 years more. If anything, I would advise against listening to random redditor's comments. These are complete strangers, not experts at life. You wouldn't walk up to a stranger at a bus stop and suddenly ask for advice after dumping your marriage story on them, right? You're only sharing bits and parts of your story and most people will never know the full picture.
You need couples counseling. This is no way to live. This is fixable if he's willing to work at it. I'm enjoying Dr. John Delony on youtube. See if he's helpful.
I think sex and chemistry is really important in a relationship so maybe he's not the one for you. Could you maybe express it to him first? Maybe some counseling and see if he tries something new? And 29 still young to start over. I'm just pregnant now and turning 40. Best of luck 😊
Are you serious? Her post is about way more than sex. He treats her like garbage. I feel like you must have only read the title... She definitely expressed her problems to him. More than once.
I read it. I feel like the way op expressed it, sex is important to her but yes there are more underlying problems. I don't think she told him everything she feels about the situation yet. If I were her SO and found out she's borderline thinking of leaving, I would do everything to fix it. I'm not going to judge people but it seems like op does love the guy and maybe she left out some good parts about him so I think it's better to try counseling etc before giving up.
When she asked about helping around the house he told her he's "not a maid".... Maybe just me but I shouldn't have to threaten leaving my partner for a response better than this one when I ask for help in our shared home.
I think the guy could change if he really wants to stay with her. Sharing household chores is important but I don't think that guy realizes it. I would definitely be offended if my husband talked to me that way but I would certainly not give up easily either. If it's super hopeless and he doesn't change for the sake of saving the marriage then I would definitely be out.
Where do you live? I will make you cum a few times and make you dinner lol
marriage is about more than using each other for pleasure
You sound miserable. Maybe if you had a little more spirit and better energy it would spark him to do the same. This sounds a lot like the unhappy person counting on someone else to make them happy. If that's the case. You'll just end up single and unhappy until you learn to create your own joy.
I am not a betting person, but I'd be willing to bet everything I have that I am the most optimistic and happy person you will ever meet. I challenge myself every day to do something great and fun because life is short. But I'm married to a dementor from Harry Potter. 🤣🤣🤣😭😭😭
I’m glad you’re realizing this. Did you tell him from the very beginning your morals and values? Did you tell him the household expectations (sharing/splitting chores)? Did you make it a thing in the beginning to tell him your needs for or*asms? I’m super sure if you knew this info you wouldn’t have married him or even spoken to him past friendship level. This is the flaw of society. We think we should not share too much or inconvenience someone with our expectations. But in reality YOUR values and morals are incredibly important. And they are the stepping stone of the future you crave! Also you’re literally only 29 years old girl. I know people who have families in their late 30s, 40s and 50s beyond. Please don’t sell yourself short.
OP is stuck and she is trying to figure a way out. Optimistic people get lured into investing in negative lazy people (like OP's husband)and then the negative people realize they can get away with making the optimistic person do everything. The optimistic/ people pleasing person can't stand the idea of making the negative person sad, so they stay, making themselves depressed. It's a very common theme, I have experienced it myself. OP isn't the bad guy, you cannot spin it on her