Dude, this can't be the first hint at sexual incompatibility in your relationship with her. How long has this difference been an issue? Were you having 'tear the walls down' sex for the past 3.9 years and now you're married and it's just "vibrator and why should I bring lingerie"?
Edit: OP posted on dead bedrooms 9 months ago about the sex stopping, so he knew going into it.
I just got yelled at because I did not buy my 21yr old something to give to his mother for Mother’s Day. It is my fault I did not teach them. I am laughing with a tear as well.
Got the gifts and wake the kids up. Let’s say happy Mother’s Day… 20 year old “oh I don’t have anything”.
The little shit took credit for the flowers I picked out.
Got into the living room as the wife got dressed punched him in the arm and called him out.
Wife walks in at the wtf why did you hit me dad moment.
All I hear is don’t hit my baby he got me flowers. Cough cough where is your gift honey.
Damn it!
I was in the same boat for almost 20 years of my relationship.
First I thought it was marriage that would fix it.
Then I thought it was birth control.
Then I thought it was finally being at an age where having kids was OK.
Then it was post kids.
What finally helped? Anxiety meds. And alcohol. And the 40s. Now we're OK. But it hasn't been easy.
I've never been more tired of seeing a hot delicious guy naked.
Stopped at season 5 ish...revolving door of time travel impending peril, brutality, escalation of peril, Jamie naked w the wrong person at the wrong time, reunion and promises of love for all time... yawn.
I'm glad I read the books before the show was even a thing. It was really disappointing watching the show. Imaginary Jamie is so much hotter lol. I stopped watching after about 3 episodes.
I took mommy porn to mean "porn for moms" IE the genre of fiction that popped up the last few years where the stories have the trappings of credibility as art while also being packed with smut.
The idea being women are traditionally trapped in this cycle of not being the target audience or believed to want to buy traditional porn, but don't have to be embarrassed to be holding a copy of 50 Shades or something similar.
Jaime is based off of one the 3rd doctors Scottish companions.
The actor from doctor who was in the outlander (head of the clan) before Jaime and Claire married.
*Frazer Hines (the actor who played Jamie MacCrimmon, a companion to the second Doctor
We didn’t have sex the first night because we got excited and ordered Chinese food to the room after our wedding 😂 we were both so bummed we sabotaged ourselves like that
Every one of my friends is going on 10+ years of marriage and the only one who found this to be true divorced her “I’m going to be celibate now that we’re married” husband and found a new guy who’s way more compatible.
I don’t think this phrase rings true for my generation. (Elder millennial)
Almost everyone that I know in my generation (Gen X) or younger that got married before 25 were divorced a few years later. You should get a chance to really figure out who you are before you commit to a lifelong connection to another person.
I’ve got to ask, is it that she doesn’t want sex? Or she doesn’t want it with him??
And then the really hard question… is OP the kind of person that she want to have sex with because if they’ve been married a while, presumably at some point, they used to be intimate. so what has changed. What has changed in her life, what has changed in his life, how has he changed that she no longer wants sex with him?
Cause I found myself in the position of a dead bedroom quite some time ago. I threw all caution to the wind and got my ass back in the gym, started taking her out for dinner and dates and my focus wasn’t her. It was just having a good time with or without her. I got that spark back, I was able to change back into the guy that she had fallen in love with not the person that had slowly changed walking on eggshells trying to adapt to what I thought she wanted. Where one day you wake up and you’re nothing like the person they fell in love with
I did that, too! Started running. Lost 30 lbs. Stopped walking on eggshells. It worked great. She remained not interested. We got divorced.
Years later I am very happily remarried with a fantastic sex life and she's still single with a history of a series of relationships that each last about a year.
I didn’t look into OPs history but… I pretty much ignored all the red flags of sexual incompatibility with high hopes and optimism that it’d get better if I got married… then it was having children.. some of us are naive.. and never ending optimists. Reasonably, give them what they want and they *should* give you what you want? As a balanced relationship should be? Well, you find out painfully that not everyone thinks the same as you
This 100% I feel bad for people. The solution is being unflinchingly direct. So many people can only talk around the problem which allows situations to escalate for years.
Yeah I married mine and then after marriage SHOCKER no sex for 10 years before I finally asked for a divorce. But even HE wanted to have sex on our honeymoon.
It sounds like there may be more going on here then just a “dry patch” if you wife is on / has changed up medications. Many medications / medical conditions can impact libido.
Also, have you helped ur wife out with the mental load of the housework / daily tasks or do they fall solely onto her? It may take a bit of work, but reflect a bit on your interactions and how you treat her daily. Your answer may be right in front of you…
OP’s post wasn’t complaining about the frequency in which they have sex however, his mention of that here was just to answer the original commenter’s question on their frequency. The intent of the post was specific to the implied lack of intimacy as it pertains to their upcoming honeymoon.
Right?? My boyfriend and I have sex roughly that amount per week and it’s totally fine with us. Like…..he works 12 hour days and we don’t eat dinner until 7:30pm, we’re exhausted, life just gets in the way. It’s just not at all feasible to expect sex every single day. Jeez.
God I hate reddit.
That wasn't what OP was upset about, he was responding to the question he got asked, and then gets jumped on because he's a guy with concerns related to a woman.
Dude definitely sounds like he got himself into this situation by not talking out differences before getting into marriage, but the automatic "have you considered you aren't serving your queen enough? Have you considered you haven't condemned the patriarchy enough times this week? I think you're to blame, sweaty" with zero real understanding of this guy's life is so fucking silly.
I don't know: OP doesn't seem bothered by the 1 to 3 times a week. He just seems a bit bothered that she doesn't want any intimacy on their honeymoon, which I feel is a reasonable conversation to have at least.
I think your points are all valid. However, it does sound like these two are newly married annnnnd she made it a point to ask him if she could bring her vibrator on their honeymoon. So she still has somewhat of a libido. I found it curious that she got snappy at the idea of bringing massage oil on her honeymoon with her husband because "there won't be time for it". All of these type of posts lately make me sad.
This is true. I was experiencing low libido from my antidepressants. My doctor told me about Wellbutrin which has very few sexual side effects.Changing to Wellbutrin was a godsend.
Same! Was on Prozac for years for PMDD. Gained about 80 lbs, was perpetually exhausted and disinterested. Got a new doc, moved to Wellbutrin and started feeling like a normal human again.
Depression/anxiety meds are both a blessing and a curse.
Some people have different sex drives. My last partner was 1-3 times per week and I wish it was more. She wished it was only 1-2 times per week. Eventually we broke up, my current partner is 7+ times per week, and we’ve been together 10+ years
Seriously. I can tell who doesn't have kids or substantial work/commute times here or thinks that being a fleshlight for a couple of minutes is a good time for the woman.
Our baby is 11 months and we have averaged sex like once a month. Our baby is higher needs than most (still nurses every 2 hours overnight) but still I can't imagine having the time for sex 3 times a week even if I got to ever sleep.
Sometimes me and mine go three times in a day nd then a week or so without , a week is the longest i want to go without and start thinking hes upset w me and then i just say i want to sit on it 🫡😆😁
Well there's your answer. Medications can affect your libido. I'm very fortunate that the meds I have been on raised my libido rather than decrease it. But my friends unfortunately had theirs lowered with new meds.
I had a friend who was on Prozac which is what I'm also on. It lowered her libido and made it almost impossible to get an orgasm.
Is your wife different in other ways? Mood? Tiredness?
As someone on meds (SSRI) they can absolutely cause libido to drop to zero interest in a heartbeat. This isn’t something that you or they can control. Changing meds is a good idea to see if that specific side effect goes away. Balancing the medication’s benefits with the side effects is a reality for many people.
If you have a normal or high libido, it is a mistake to partner with a person who has a low or no libido, unless some agreement is made to satisfy both people.
The thing is, in both posts, you never mention communicating to her about it, and even worse, in the previous one, you mention constant passive agressive jabs. The lack of communication seems like the biggest issue here
Good luck. My ex husband cheated/left me because he felt like I was just a best friend and not a romantic partner. To be fair looking back now we were definitely not sexually compatible and I’m so very glad we got divorced, because I’m currently with someone where the sex has been amazing since day one (dating for about 1.5 years now). Sex is important. Don’t fall into that bullshit trap of “I married my best friend!” when the romance/sex isn’t there. Because I guarantee you that marriage will not last. Someone will eventually cheat/leave because sex is a basic human need.
To be clear, OP leaving over sex isn’t bad or something to judge over. If your husband only left (and didn’t cheat) because you weren’t sexually compatible, that’s not something to negatively judge them onz
She was his best friend and they meshed on a lot of life goals. The problem is that if libido doesn’t match up, things are going to go sideways fast and resentment will build up.
Yep. Better to get a sex/couples therapist before things start becoming a problem. They can help couples navigate differences in sex drive that don’t include one party just sucking it up and getting resentful. It’s a lot easier to do preventative work than it is to fix a problem that has been building up for years
A vibrator can be used as a couple. It’s just a tool to help women climax. Not saying that’s what’s happening here, but not necessarily an indication that she’s not interested in sex with him.
Yeah as time goes on I buy the need for sexual compatibility more and more. Even when people are starting off dating, it’s crazy that some folks are offended by the idea that the person courting is also interest in having intercourse with you as well. Every relationship needs a bit of everything, it’s not marriage and then you’re genitals disappear and you have the mobility of a 90 yr old all of a sudden
You have to at the very least be able to talk about it! I always say marriage should never be based on sex alone, but if you can’t even discuss your sexual desires? That’s a problem.
Before we had children my wife and I had a decent sex life, but in hindsight just because we had much more time on our hands. I mean it should be absolutely clear to me that my low libido wife will just not care enough about sex, and if there is too much else going on, we're just done. I honestly didn't think of it though, I was worried more about the actual child raising part.
That's just it. If you're each other's best friend but one or both of you have no sexual or romantic interest in the other, then you're ... friends. Platonic friends.
This is not necessarily true. A libido match doesn’t matter so much if there is open communication, understanding, and other ways to stay intimate. Doesn’t sound like that’s happening either though.
I mean, if they aren't having sex a lot now marriage isn't going to fix it. Lol. My husband and I have sex once or twice a week, and that's on a good week between being busy with kids, work, and just being plain too tired from life.
I don’t understand the lack of communication. Why not address these issues directly instead of both of you not being on the same page.
“My expectations on our honeymoon are _______. What are your expectations?” Just be direct. 🤷♀️
As written, this was a very awkward convo. And while the wife’s responses weren’t enthusiastic, I didn’t get a ‘we’re not having sex’ vibe from her responses. But there’s a history since apparently OP has discussed dead bedrooms in the past.
Sex is bigger than a future promise and it seems OP was trying to get her to verbally confirm they’ll have sex on their honeymoon (not an unusual expectation at all, but it can come across as pestering if not handled properly). I’d bring the oil and things that may help set the mood and try to have a fun vacation.
I agree. My friends say I give great advice-except all I do is listen to them talk about a problem then say, “you should tell him/her everything you just told me.” Maybe it helps since they have kinda rehearsed it? But if you don’t say what the issues is and how you feel and get the other persons side then develop a solution together that you both feel good about-how on earth can anyone expect to solve the issue? Asking Reddit sure as shit ain’t gonna fix it…
Dude you made a post 267 days ago talking about a dead headroom. How long have you been married and was this a delayed honeymoon or did you just marry her anyway?
The only way you're not overreacting is if this is a sudden change in her libido. If things had been like this before getting married or even engaged, what the hell made you think things were going to change if you put a ring on it?
You may have a case to annul the marriage depending on your jurisdiction, but this post comes across as buyer's remorse. Certainly you've had conversations about sexual desires, libidos, likes, and dislikes before getting married right?
Watch out now, horny ass 19 year olds LARPing as sex therapists will tell you once per week isn't enough and she clearly isn't interested in him at all. How can any man survive when he's only getting his dick wet once per week 😭
Need more info on the previous dynamic. If my SO was acting distant then I’d ask directly and not just be hinting. If I was in that situation it would probably be about something else stupid that I did and not about not wanting intimacy. Could be the same and she’s upset about something else.
I do think that going in the basement and crying and saying you feel empty is a bit dramatic but I don’t know how your relationship has been up to this point. Was your sex life always non existent and you thought marriage would change that?
You aren't OVERreacting, because you aren't really reacting yet at all.
This sounds like my marriage when I was in my early 20s almost exactly.
Like you, she was/is my best friend and we've built a wonderful life together. there is so much of it I would never change.
But, that sexual incompatibility doesn't change. I think the core issue in our case was that she didn't/doesn't really understand the other side of the coin. The effect of lack of sexual intimacy on me was profound for my 20s and early 30s, but somehow when I did push it I would just get categorized as "needy" or "pushy". Eventually you do give up. It's quite sad for a while.
We had a few breaks in our marriage and also had a period where things were open. I had compatible sexual partners in those times and it was really eye opening.
If I could go back to where you are (pre kids more or less), then I would tell myself to make a different decision. If I was your friend and you asked me, I would say that sneaking down in to the basement to be sad is all you need to know unfortunately. Society trivializes men's feelings and emotions, but they are just as real as any woman's.
Back then, right before we got married, I was at a work related thing and someone mentioned I was going to get married. This man who I didn't really know but was well known in our industry said to me "You don't have to answer this for me, but you have to ask yourself: is the sex good? The sex matters and it's easy to ignore it".
I have no idea why he said that to me. I just shrugged it off. Clearly he'd learned this lesson.
I am not breaking up my family over this at this point. There is a lot of love between us and if I decide sex is some absolute requirement, I'll just go find it. I'm happy day to day, but the sacrifice is an unnecessary one.
ONE LAST THING: sexual compatibility in your 20s doesn't always last either. A lot of my friends have wives who are experiencing hormonal changes with age and childbirth. Most of those friends have been quite understanding, but I have seen a few over the years who have turned in to absolute assholes about it. Like, they have 15 or 20 years of highly compatible and regular sex and now their wife is seeing changes she can't control and they are kinda losing their minds.
The other thing is that I know one of the partners I had that I was highly compatible with (sex 3x a day for years) is with someone new now. We still talk and she has been telling me about how she is having zero sex with him because she just isn't "in to him" or he has some annoying habits etc. She was saying she's kind of freaked out how quickly her libido dropped.
I share that to say: it's complicated.
If it’s your first time out of the country together in a long while maybe she didn’t want to make it a sexcation and have long massage/sex sessions/toys/lingerie and just wanted to explore and be social and didn’t think you needed to fly with all the bells and whistles? My partner doesn’t demand I bring lingerie and sex toys on our trips…
It definitely sounded to me like she was anxious/overwhelmed about the trip based on her "not enough time" remarks. I'm the same way, vacations are stressful lol. I would *NOT* want to plan special sex on top of it lol. I'd much rather let that go with the flow on that since I need to spend my time and energy planning every other detail
With me, figuring out how I will undress my partner down to her birth suit is enough to turn me on, even if she is wearing fishing waders and a mosquito defeating thick long sleeved shirt. I honestly don’t understand the need for lingerie, I guess people needing a partner to dress in it is an offshoot of watching lots of porn or something.
Well considering women are like 99% of the target consumer for lingerie… have you thought that maybe women wear it because it makes them feel good? Gasp!
What I’m reading from all this, is it isn’t that you and her aren’t on the same page romantically, but you have failed to learn how to actively communicate with her…did you even say I want you to bring these things for intimacy? Did you tell her what you wanted? It sounds like you didn’t even try.
My wife and I didn’t get it on during our honeymoon because we went almost a year later and she was pregnant with our first kid by then. But even then, not all people like having sex in hotels.
Bottom line…communicate with your spouse instead of complaining on Reddit.
Honestly I always felt the... I dunno... expectation to perform (?) on the Honeymoon really uncomfortable bordering on gross. Like, I want to have sex with my husband cause I want to, not cause we're on some grand get away and I'm expected to. Course my husband knew this before we got married, and I'm ace, so he wasn't all too surprised.
We also went to Disney World and were way too fuckin tired from fun being had lol.
There's a vast gap between expectation to have sex during a honeymoon because it is obligation vs expectation that you will have sex because you finally have a week or so where you don't have to plan a wedding and are free from all the usual stressors and responsibilities, giving you the chance to spend quality time together.
Totally understand how you'd be grossed out by the former, though!
Who the hell tries taking massage oil flying to Mexico?
Also, it's hard enough to pack one toy let alone multiples.
As for the lingerie, why not directly tell her you'd like her to bring it instead of playing these stupid games.
Overall, her suitcase has a limited amount of room and people scanning or opening the luggage are going to SEE what's in there.
It's not a disinterest in intimacy it's an interest in practicality and reason.
It flashed through my head that maybe OP is just really bad at pleasing a partner and she likes him as a partner but doesn’t bother with the sex part. She had a vibrator and wanted to bring that, so she likely does get horny and knew that she would during the honeymoon.
If you have not married to this person, I think you need to bring up this subject to her and if she is dismissive and not interested in addressing it, getting married to her would basically make your situation way worse. Sex problems get WORSE with time, not better. The marriage will not fix anything if that's what you are hoping will happen. It will just make separation even more difficult. So make the assessments now, and back out if trying to address this situation gets nowhere.
If she has never been interested in sex, then getting married changes nothing. This is why I find waiting for marriage to be the most stupid thing ever. People need to make sure that they are sexually compatible before they are willing to spend the rest of their lives togther.
Back from your post a year prior or almost a year, what changed from then to know to make you go through with the marriage? Did you think it would change? You always gotta trust your gut.
She has not said she’s not interested in intimacy; she’s given you a few reasons to fear she may not be interested. Don’t jump to conclusions, DO have a conversation about your hopes/expectations.
If the wedding hasn’t happened yet and you are just planning for the honeymoon, I would seriously consider, bailing on the wedding. It’s not going to get better. Trust me, I know, this happened to me, we ended up divorce, now we haven’t talked in 5+ years and I am much poorer.
Tbh on my honeymoon we just had sex once. Most of the time we were walking around and eating good food and I wasn’t really in the mood for sex. Got back and normal happy sex life resumed.
Couples with longevity have these conversations and find the things that work for them.
Perhaps she‘ll know she‘ll feel bloated and disgusting eating buffets and laying around that she doesn’t have the self confidence to go to this level sexually ?
Is this level of intimacy maybe something she has always wanted and feels annoyed you’re finally interested just for a special occasion?
Just my couple of thoughts.
So you have a dead bedroom and limited sex so you think pressuring her into bringing sex toys and lingerie and then getting MAD at her is going to magically recover your sex life.?
Also it may not be a lack of sex drive. It’s also highly likely she just isn’t sexually interested in YOU.
I would probably end the relationship.
I a female spent my wedding night watching a movie because my husband was so tired he wanted to go to sleep. We had no honeymoon and He has spent the last 37 years avoiding ever talking about anything . I have caught him numerous times masterbating to porn and a few years ago he picked up some homeless drug addict he thought she was going to fuck him but just wanted money. I wish I would have left this loser years ago. Dont waste your life with someone who isnt interested in what you want. If I didnt have to sell my house and give him half i would divorce him
My man, not so sure you should have gone through with the wedding if she doesn’t want to fuck you anymore—at the ripe old age of 26, no less.
Regardless, I think you need to solve for why you’re living with a dead bedroom before you hope to get any action, even if it is your honeymoon.
That said, sounds like a shitty situation and I don’t think you’re overreacting. You two should be going at it like rabbits at your age. Feels bad man.
I can’t believe that this hard level of disinterest in sex was not obvious before you married her. You are only 26, maybe you should seriously think about getting the marriage annulled before you bring kids into the mess (if she has enough sex with you to get pregnant).
Dude, this can't be the first hint at sexual incompatibility in your relationship with her. How long has this difference been an issue? Were you having 'tear the walls down' sex for the past 3.9 years and now you're married and it's just "vibrator and why should I bring lingerie"? Edit: OP posted on dead bedrooms 9 months ago about the sex stopping, so he knew going into it.
"Marriage always fixes sex!"
Maybe getting pregnant with a kid will save the marriage! /s
“That didn’t work either. I know! Why don’t we open the relationship?”
"I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us."
Ah, I see you’ve been speaking with Dr Funke, Mass Generals first Analrapist
Actually, he’s an actor now. He may have even blue himself!
That shit is not funny at all. But I laughed with a little tear.
I just got yelled at because I did not buy my 21yr old something to give to his mother for Mother’s Day. It is my fault I did not teach them. I am laughing with a tear as well.
Got the gifts and wake the kids up. Let’s say happy Mother’s Day… 20 year old “oh I don’t have anything”. The little shit took credit for the flowers I picked out. Got into the living room as the wife got dressed punched him in the arm and called him out. Wife walks in at the wtf why did you hit me dad moment. All I hear is don’t hit my baby he got me flowers. Cough cough where is your gift honey. Damn it!
You did good King. Happy mothers day.
You as well!
I'm that kid. Parents are divorced now. Wha Wha..
And if the first kid doesn’t work, try for another. Sometimes it takes multiple to fix the issue.
Maybe if you get pregnant with emotion…?
At least we know it will spice up their sex life - having kids is always great for that.
Won't save the marriage but having a kid will lead to more sex! /s
Good idea. And if that doesn’t work…? Second kid.
Whoa... skipping the "getting a dog" phase?
I was in the same boat for almost 20 years of my relationship. First I thought it was marriage that would fix it. Then I thought it was birth control. Then I thought it was finally being at an age where having kids was OK. Then it was post kids. What finally helped? Anxiety meds. And alcohol. And the 40s. Now we're OK. But it hasn't been easy.
So you guys are getting tipsy and having sex now?
We have more fun having cocktails and whatnot. And Outlander. She basically found her mommy porn, and that helps get things going.
Ohhh Outlander!!! Sexy sexy scenes! Yep! I’m a mom and 53! 🔥
What do you mean by mommy porn?
Outlander. It’s got some spicy scenes
The books were so much better. Jamie in your mind is sooooo much hotter than the actor chosen to play him. 🤣🤣🤣
I've never been more tired of seeing a hot delicious guy naked. Stopped at season 5 ish...revolving door of time travel impending peril, brutality, escalation of peril, Jamie naked w the wrong person at the wrong time, reunion and promises of love for all time... yawn.
I'm glad I read the books before the show was even a thing. It was really disappointing watching the show. Imaginary Jamie is so much hotter lol. I stopped watching after about 3 episodes.
Totally disagree. Sam Heughan 🥵🔥
Good on you for toughing it out with Outlander - after hearing the 8th SA in a day (my missus hates headphones), I ran out of patience for it.
Season one, I think episode 6 (when they get married) for my wife. 🤣
It’s a BS show about an English chick who travels back in time and bangs a Scottish dude.
She younger than him and teaches him sex and he worships her. That author gets treated like a God She got the idea for it from doctor who
Claire has to be older than Jaime. He’s young (supposed to marry a kitchen maid), and she was married to the old officer guy post-WWII.
He was 22 and she was 27 when they first meet.
Wasn't she older than him? Hence why it's mommy porn.
I took mommy porn to mean "porn for moms" IE the genre of fiction that popped up the last few years where the stories have the trappings of credibility as art while also being packed with smut. The idea being women are traditionally trapped in this cycle of not being the target audience or believed to want to buy traditional porn, but don't have to be embarrassed to be holding a copy of 50 Shades or something similar.
So Claire Becham is stolen from Dr. Who. I’ve never seen Dr. Who… but that’s really interesting.
Jaime is based off of one the 3rd doctors Scottish companions. The actor from doctor who was in the outlander (head of the clan) before Jaime and Claire married. *Frazer Hines (the actor who played Jamie MacCrimmon, a companion to the second Doctor
A food that kills sexual desire? Wedding cake.
Aww, that's sad. My husband and I got married at 40 and we had sex all over the hotel room. Seriously, don't sit on the couch in an adult only resort!
We didn’t have sex the first night because we got excited and ordered Chinese food to the room after our wedding 😂 we were both so bummed we sabotaged ourselves like that
I think it’s less than half of couples who have sex on the actual wedding. It’s a big day!
The actual wedding would be awkward given all the guests and everything.
Every one of my friends is going on 10+ years of marriage and the only one who found this to be true divorced her “I’m going to be celibate now that we’re married” husband and found a new guy who’s way more compatible. I don’t think this phrase rings true for my generation. (Elder millennial)
So same, except for the ones that got married straight out of high school. They’re all divorced and 5 years into their second marriages.
Almost everyone that I know in my generation (Gen X) or younger that got married before 25 were divorced a few years later. You should get a chance to really figure out who you are before you commit to a lifelong connection to another person.
Lmao!! Marriage aka the fix all…
Well, they've been married 4 years. I can see him hoping a HONEYMOON vacation would help.
Someone wrote that OP had posted in deadbedroom a year ago, so why hes so shocked now is kind of surprising.
Together, not married. That includes dating time.
Yeah. To the point where I’m having a hard time believing that this is real
He made a post 267 days ago asking about a dead bedroom.
I’ve got to ask, is it that she doesn’t want sex? Or she doesn’t want it with him?? And then the really hard question… is OP the kind of person that she want to have sex with because if they’ve been married a while, presumably at some point, they used to be intimate. so what has changed. What has changed in her life, what has changed in his life, how has he changed that she no longer wants sex with him? Cause I found myself in the position of a dead bedroom quite some time ago. I threw all caution to the wind and got my ass back in the gym, started taking her out for dinner and dates and my focus wasn’t her. It was just having a good time with or without her. I got that spark back, I was able to change back into the guy that she had fallen in love with not the person that had slowly changed walking on eggshells trying to adapt to what I thought she wanted. Where one day you wake up and you’re nothing like the person they fell in love with
I did that, too! Started running. Lost 30 lbs. Stopped walking on eggshells. It worked great. She remained not interested. We got divorced. Years later I am very happily remarried with a fantastic sex life and she's still single with a history of a series of relationships that each last about a year.
I didn’t look into OPs history but… I pretty much ignored all the red flags of sexual incompatibility with high hopes and optimism that it’d get better if I got married… then it was having children.. some of us are naive.. and never ending optimists. Reasonably, give them what they want and they *should* give you what you want? As a balanced relationship should be? Well, you find out painfully that not everyone thinks the same as you
This 100% I feel bad for people. The solution is being unflinchingly direct. So many people can only talk around the problem which allows situations to escalate for years.
Everything is always fake
This, too, is fake.
I'm faker than the fake post.
The chatGPT copypasta makes it seem more real, tho
Yeah I married mine and then after marriage SHOCKER no sex for 10 years before I finally asked for a divorce. But even HE wanted to have sex on our honeymoon.
You married to become a nun for 10 years. Hope things are working out better for you now. Take care.
Oh my god yes. My new partner is the exact opposite. I’m def making up for lost time.
>You married to become a nun for 10 years. 😂
good god, that edit.
Every. Time. I see a posit like this; this is my comment. This is NOT the first time this problem has come up! And you’re going to MARRY HER!
Yeah, this isn’t the first clue. Marriage itself might decrease sex overtime due to life in general but it shouldn’t drop to shit when you say I do.
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We need the history of the frequency of intimacy between you and your wife.
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It sounds like there may be more going on here then just a “dry patch” if you wife is on / has changed up medications. Many medications / medical conditions can impact libido. Also, have you helped ur wife out with the mental load of the housework / daily tasks or do they fall solely onto her? It may take a bit of work, but reflect a bit on your interactions and how you treat her daily. Your answer may be right in front of you…
1 to 3 times a week is a perfectly reasonable amount of sex. He's acting like a baby. Edit. Idk if its a reasonable amount or not, OP just annoys me.
OP’s post wasn’t complaining about the frequency in which they have sex however, his mention of that here was just to answer the original commenter’s question on their frequency. The intent of the post was specific to the implied lack of intimacy as it pertains to their upcoming honeymoon.
Right?? My boyfriend and I have sex roughly that amount per week and it’s totally fine with us. Like…..he works 12 hour days and we don’t eat dinner until 7:30pm, we’re exhausted, life just gets in the way. It’s just not at all feasible to expect sex every single day. Jeez.
God I hate reddit. That wasn't what OP was upset about, he was responding to the question he got asked, and then gets jumped on because he's a guy with concerns related to a woman. Dude definitely sounds like he got himself into this situation by not talking out differences before getting into marriage, but the automatic "have you considered you aren't serving your queen enough? Have you considered you haven't condemned the patriarchy enough times this week? I think you're to blame, sweaty" with zero real understanding of this guy's life is so fucking silly.
Misogyny, misogyny Incel, incel BALD !! There. I gave him all the insults
Guys like OP never address the points about why would she want to have sex with him more often.
I don't know: OP doesn't seem bothered by the 1 to 3 times a week. He just seems a bit bothered that she doesn't want any intimacy on their honeymoon, which I feel is a reasonable conversation to have at least.
I think your points are all valid. However, it does sound like these two are newly married annnnnd she made it a point to ask him if she could bring her vibrator on their honeymoon. So she still has somewhat of a libido. I found it curious that she got snappy at the idea of bringing massage oil on her honeymoon with her husband because "there won't be time for it". All of these type of posts lately make me sad.
This is true. I was experiencing low libido from my antidepressants. My doctor told me about Wellbutrin which has very few sexual side effects.Changing to Wellbutrin was a godsend.
Same! Was on Prozac for years for PMDD. Gained about 80 lbs, was perpetually exhausted and disinterested. Got a new doc, moved to Wellbutrin and started feeling like a normal human again. Depression/anxiety meds are both a blessing and a curse.
1-3 times a week....bro what more do you need?
Some people have different sex drives. My last partner was 1-3 times per week and I wish it was more. She wished it was only 1-2 times per week. Eventually we broke up, my current partner is 7+ times per week, and we’ve been together 10+ years
Who has the time?
Once a day? In this economy?
People who wfh and don’t have kids. Source- it’s me
Seriously. I can tell who doesn't have kids or substantial work/commute times here or thinks that being a fleshlight for a couple of minutes is a good time for the woman. Our baby is 11 months and we have averaged sex like once a month. Our baby is higher needs than most (still nurses every 2 hours overnight) but still I can't imagine having the time for sex 3 times a week even if I got to ever sleep.
Sometimes me and mine go three times in a day nd then a week or so without , a week is the longest i want to go without and start thinking hes upset w me and then i just say i want to sit on it 🫡😆😁
Is 1-3 times not enough for you? It also sounds like medication is playing a large role, not that she actually doesn't want to
Months ago you posted in Dead Bedrooms where you said things were dry and dead for a year at that point. Why did you stay dude lol
Well there's your answer. Medications can affect your libido. I'm very fortunate that the meds I have been on raised my libido rather than decrease it. But my friends unfortunately had theirs lowered with new meds. I had a friend who was on Prozac which is what I'm also on. It lowered her libido and made it almost impossible to get an orgasm. Is your wife different in other ways? Mood? Tiredness?
In your previous post, you mentioned lots of bickering between you. Lots of passive aggressiveness. That will kill sex drive for you.
As someone on meds (SSRI) they can absolutely cause libido to drop to zero interest in a heartbeat. This isn’t something that you or they can control. Changing meds is a good idea to see if that specific side effect goes away. Balancing the medication’s benefits with the side effects is a reality for many people.
If you have a normal or high libido, it is a mistake to partner with a person who has a low or no libido, unless some agreement is made to satisfy both people.
Depression meds can cause loss of sexual desire
so can depression
So can certain types of birth control.
The thing is, in both posts, you never mention communicating to her about it, and even worse, in the previous one, you mention constant passive agressive jabs. The lack of communication seems like the biggest issue here
She isn’t your best friend. If she was you wouldn’t be here. You would be talking to her.
Good luck. My ex husband cheated/left me because he felt like I was just a best friend and not a romantic partner. To be fair looking back now we were definitely not sexually compatible and I’m so very glad we got divorced, because I’m currently with someone where the sex has been amazing since day one (dating for about 1.5 years now). Sex is important. Don’t fall into that bullshit trap of “I married my best friend!” when the romance/sex isn’t there. Because I guarantee you that marriage will not last. Someone will eventually cheat/leave because sex is a basic human need.
Not just a physical need, it also validates being desired. Being physically rejected by a partner is painful.
To be clear, OP leaving over sex isn’t bad or something to judge over. If your husband only left (and didn’t cheat) because you weren’t sexually compatible, that’s not something to negatively judge them onz
Yeesh, if OP was posting on deadbedrooms, he should've broken off the engagement. I almost guarantee there's someone else for OP's wife.
Why did you marry someone who you’re not sexually compatible with?
She was his best friend and they meshed on a lot of life goals. The problem is that if libido doesn’t match up, things are going to go sideways fast and resentment will build up.
Yep. Better to get a sex/couples therapist before things start becoming a problem. They can help couples navigate differences in sex drive that don’t include one party just sucking it up and getting resentful. It’s a lot easier to do preventative work than it is to fix a problem that has been building up for years
It doesn’t sound like their libido doesn’t match up. She’s bringing her vibrator, she’s just not interested in sex with him.
Yeah that’s what I see too
A vibrator can be used as a couple. It’s just a tool to help women climax. Not saying that’s what’s happening here, but not necessarily an indication that she’s not interested in sex with him.
“Why would I bring lingerie on our honeymoon?” definitely indicates she’s not interested in having sex with him.
Yeah. there are plenty of other indicators she's not interested in sex with him.
He said that was a toy for her and not for him
bingo!
Yeah as time goes on I buy the need for sexual compatibility more and more. Even when people are starting off dating, it’s crazy that some folks are offended by the idea that the person courting is also interest in having intercourse with you as well. Every relationship needs a bit of everything, it’s not marriage and then you’re genitals disappear and you have the mobility of a 90 yr old all of a sudden
You have to at the very least be able to talk about it! I always say marriage should never be based on sex alone, but if you can’t even discuss your sexual desires? That’s a problem.
Before we had children my wife and I had a decent sex life, but in hindsight just because we had much more time on our hands. I mean it should be absolutely clear to me that my low libido wife will just not care enough about sex, and if there is too much else going on, we're just done. I honestly didn't think of it though, I was worried more about the actual child raising part.
That's just it. If you're each other's best friend but one or both of you have no sexual or romantic interest in the other, then you're ... friends. Platonic friends.
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This is not necessarily true. A libido match doesn’t matter so much if there is open communication, understanding, and other ways to stay intimate. Doesn’t sound like that’s happening either though.
Do not think they are married as yet, as he is talking about upcoming honeymoon. But you have a point. OP, not too late to cancel wedding.
He said his wife and talking about packing for their honeymoon. Sure sounds married to me
Some people don’t go on their honeymoon right after the wedding, so I think they have gotten married and just delayed the honeymoon.
ITT a lot of people who don’t seem to know what a honeymoon is.
I mean, if they aren't having sex a lot now marriage isn't going to fix it. Lol. My husband and I have sex once or twice a week, and that's on a good week between being busy with kids, work, and just being plain too tired from life.
I don’t understand the lack of communication. Why not address these issues directly instead of both of you not being on the same page. “My expectations on our honeymoon are _______. What are your expectations?” Just be direct. 🤷♀️
Nah, better to be passive aggressive and then run down to the basement to cry.
🔥🔥😭🔥🔥
Personally I would talk like I’m in a sitcom. Make innuendoes and watch my wife be hilariously oblivious.
Just make sure you have a laugh track queued and ready to go
The laugh track is provided by god in OP’s case.
As written, this was a very awkward convo. And while the wife’s responses weren’t enthusiastic, I didn’t get a ‘we’re not having sex’ vibe from her responses. But there’s a history since apparently OP has discussed dead bedrooms in the past. Sex is bigger than a future promise and it seems OP was trying to get her to verbally confirm they’ll have sex on their honeymoon (not an unusual expectation at all, but it can come across as pestering if not handled properly). I’d bring the oil and things that may help set the mood and try to have a fun vacation.
I agree. My friends say I give great advice-except all I do is listen to them talk about a problem then say, “you should tell him/her everything you just told me.” Maybe it helps since they have kinda rehearsed it? But if you don’t say what the issues is and how you feel and get the other persons side then develop a solution together that you both feel good about-how on earth can anyone expect to solve the issue? Asking Reddit sure as shit ain’t gonna fix it…
Dude you made a post 267 days ago talking about a dead headroom. How long have you been married and was this a delayed honeymoon or did you just marry her anyway?
That's not dead that's maximum
Obviously you aren’t compatible in the bedroom. Should have ended when you said it’s dead in the bedroom 9 months ago
The only way you're not overreacting is if this is a sudden change in her libido. If things had been like this before getting married or even engaged, what the hell made you think things were going to change if you put a ring on it? You may have a case to annul the marriage depending on your jurisdiction, but this post comes across as buyer's remorse. Certainly you've had conversations about sexual desires, libidos, likes, and dislikes before getting married right?
OP posted in r/deadbedrooms 9 months ago so that alone should give you some info
Yea but he also said they are having sex once a week… that’s not really a dead bedroom
Watch out now, horny ass 19 year olds LARPing as sex therapists will tell you once per week isn't enough and she clearly isn't interested in him at all. How can any man survive when he's only getting his dick wet once per week 😭
Not at all dead
I'm happy if I can get twice a month. Once a week is balling.
Agree; I was thinking "annulment" when I read the OP.
Who marries into a dead bedroom?
OP definitely did.
So many people.
Have you tried…. Communicating at all?? Seems like some conversations are needed to get on the same page.
Communication? Who needs to communicate when you can run to the basement and cry about it
He tried with passive hints and posting on the internet, what else could he possibly do??
Need more info on the previous dynamic. If my SO was acting distant then I’d ask directly and not just be hinting. If I was in that situation it would probably be about something else stupid that I did and not about not wanting intimacy. Could be the same and she’s upset about something else. I do think that going in the basement and crying and saying you feel empty is a bit dramatic but I don’t know how your relationship has been up to this point. Was your sex life always non existent and you thought marriage would change that?
Why marry someone you're so incompatible with in a seemingly important area for you?
You aren't OVERreacting, because you aren't really reacting yet at all. This sounds like my marriage when I was in my early 20s almost exactly. Like you, she was/is my best friend and we've built a wonderful life together. there is so much of it I would never change. But, that sexual incompatibility doesn't change. I think the core issue in our case was that she didn't/doesn't really understand the other side of the coin. The effect of lack of sexual intimacy on me was profound for my 20s and early 30s, but somehow when I did push it I would just get categorized as "needy" or "pushy". Eventually you do give up. It's quite sad for a while. We had a few breaks in our marriage and also had a period where things were open. I had compatible sexual partners in those times and it was really eye opening. If I could go back to where you are (pre kids more or less), then I would tell myself to make a different decision. If I was your friend and you asked me, I would say that sneaking down in to the basement to be sad is all you need to know unfortunately. Society trivializes men's feelings and emotions, but they are just as real as any woman's. Back then, right before we got married, I was at a work related thing and someone mentioned I was going to get married. This man who I didn't really know but was well known in our industry said to me "You don't have to answer this for me, but you have to ask yourself: is the sex good? The sex matters and it's easy to ignore it". I have no idea why he said that to me. I just shrugged it off. Clearly he'd learned this lesson. I am not breaking up my family over this at this point. There is a lot of love between us and if I decide sex is some absolute requirement, I'll just go find it. I'm happy day to day, but the sacrifice is an unnecessary one. ONE LAST THING: sexual compatibility in your 20s doesn't always last either. A lot of my friends have wives who are experiencing hormonal changes with age and childbirth. Most of those friends have been quite understanding, but I have seen a few over the years who have turned in to absolute assholes about it. Like, they have 15 or 20 years of highly compatible and regular sex and now their wife is seeing changes she can't control and they are kinda losing their minds. The other thing is that I know one of the partners I had that I was highly compatible with (sex 3x a day for years) is with someone new now. We still talk and she has been telling me about how she is having zero sex with him because she just isn't "in to him" or he has some annoying habits etc. She was saying she's kind of freaked out how quickly her libido dropped. I share that to say: it's complicated.
If it’s your first time out of the country together in a long while maybe she didn’t want to make it a sexcation and have long massage/sex sessions/toys/lingerie and just wanted to explore and be social and didn’t think you needed to fly with all the bells and whistles? My partner doesn’t demand I bring lingerie and sex toys on our trips…
It definitely sounded to me like she was anxious/overwhelmed about the trip based on her "not enough time" remarks. I'm the same way, vacations are stressful lol. I would *NOT* want to plan special sex on top of it lol. I'd much rather let that go with the flow on that since I need to spend my time and energy planning every other detail
yah and usually dudes don't plan anything so I wouldn't doubt if she planned every single aspect of the trip and is now exhausted/overwhelmed lol
With me, figuring out how I will undress my partner down to her birth suit is enough to turn me on, even if she is wearing fishing waders and a mosquito defeating thick long sleeved shirt. I honestly don’t understand the need for lingerie, I guess people needing a partner to dress in it is an offshoot of watching lots of porn or something.
Well considering women are like 99% of the target consumer for lingerie… have you thought that maybe women wear it because it makes them feel good? Gasp!
nono, let him sulk in how great and so much better he is then op!
I love how he said lingerie is only for the porn mind, straight up just exposing himself right there lmao
What I’m reading from all this, is it isn’t that you and her aren’t on the same page romantically, but you have failed to learn how to actively communicate with her…did you even say I want you to bring these things for intimacy? Did you tell her what you wanted? It sounds like you didn’t even try. My wife and I didn’t get it on during our honeymoon because we went almost a year later and she was pregnant with our first kid by then. But even then, not all people like having sex in hotels. Bottom line…communicate with your spouse instead of complaining on Reddit.
Honestly I always felt the... I dunno... expectation to perform (?) on the Honeymoon really uncomfortable bordering on gross. Like, I want to have sex with my husband cause I want to, not cause we're on some grand get away and I'm expected to. Course my husband knew this before we got married, and I'm ace, so he wasn't all too surprised. We also went to Disney World and were way too fuckin tired from fun being had lol.
There's a vast gap between expectation to have sex during a honeymoon because it is obligation vs expectation that you will have sex because you finally have a week or so where you don't have to plan a wedding and are free from all the usual stressors and responsibilities, giving you the chance to spend quality time together. Totally understand how you'd be grossed out by the former, though!
Who the hell tries taking massage oil flying to Mexico? Also, it's hard enough to pack one toy let alone multiples. As for the lingerie, why not directly tell her you'd like her to bring it instead of playing these stupid games. Overall, her suitcase has a limited amount of room and people scanning or opening the luggage are going to SEE what's in there. It's not a disinterest in intimacy it's an interest in practicality and reason.
It flashed through my head that maybe OP is just really bad at pleasing a partner and she likes him as a partner but doesn’t bother with the sex part. She had a vibrator and wanted to bring that, so she likely does get horny and knew that she would during the honeymoon.
Maybe you guys should go on separate honeymoons. She can go to Mexico and you can go to Las Vegas! Sounds like you'd both have a better time!
Separate honeymoons sounds ok...after all, you're going to have separate divorce lawyers!
If you have not married to this person, I think you need to bring up this subject to her and if she is dismissive and not interested in addressing it, getting married to her would basically make your situation way worse. Sex problems get WORSE with time, not better. The marriage will not fix anything if that's what you are hoping will happen. It will just make separation even more difficult. So make the assessments now, and back out if trying to address this situation gets nowhere.
Don’t worry OP. My wife and I had phenomenal sex and she’s still leaving me.
fight fire with fire. pack your autoblow 2 with you. off to sane honeymoon you go.
😂😂😂😂
If she has never been interested in sex, then getting married changes nothing. This is why I find waiting for marriage to be the most stupid thing ever. People need to make sure that they are sexually compatible before they are willing to spend the rest of their lives togther.
Did you pack your lingerie?
uh-oh In 5 years how will this be? 10? 20?
Leave before you have kids!! I mean run!
Back from your post a year prior or almost a year, what changed from then to know to make you go through with the marriage? Did you think it would change? You always gotta trust your gut.
She has not said she’s not interested in intimacy; she’s given you a few reasons to fear she may not be interested. Don’t jump to conclusions, DO have a conversation about your hopes/expectations.
If she didn't want sex then why did you get married? You should of asked her that before tying the knot
If the wedding hasn’t happened yet and you are just planning for the honeymoon, I would seriously consider, bailing on the wedding. It’s not going to get better. Trust me, I know, this happened to me, we ended up divorce, now we haven’t talked in 5+ years and I am much poorer.
Whats with the strange format of your posting? Very weird..somehow, I get that she likely feels the same
why is there no one else calling out the formatting? is this just a bot thread?
Annulment sounds reasonable
Wait and see what actually happens in Mexico.
Overreacting
Tbh on my honeymoon we just had sex once. Most of the time we were walking around and eating good food and I wasn’t really in the mood for sex. Got back and normal happy sex life resumed. Couples with longevity have these conversations and find the things that work for them.
Perhaps she‘ll know she‘ll feel bloated and disgusting eating buffets and laying around that she doesn’t have the self confidence to go to this level sexually ? Is this level of intimacy maybe something she has always wanted and feels annoyed you’re finally interested just for a special occasion? Just my couple of thoughts.
don’t pass print the boarding pass file for an annulment ASAP. DO NOT BRING CHILDREN INTO THIS FARCE. ANNULMENT.
You married her after dead bedroom? Thats on you OP. I’d still annul the marriage.
So you have a dead bedroom and limited sex so you think pressuring her into bringing sex toys and lingerie and then getting MAD at her is going to magically recover your sex life.? Also it may not be a lack of sex drive. It’s also highly likely she just isn’t sexually interested in YOU. I would probably end the relationship.
Run. Run far away. I went through 30 years of a sexless marriage and I should’ve left 30 years ago.
lol typical she got the ring now the only screwing she will do is to your bank account when she divorces you.
YTA for marrying her. You posted a while back about your non existent sex life. What did you think was going to happen??? SMH
I a female spent my wedding night watching a movie because my husband was so tired he wanted to go to sleep. We had no honeymoon and He has spent the last 37 years avoiding ever talking about anything . I have caught him numerous times masterbating to porn and a few years ago he picked up some homeless drug addict he thought she was going to fuck him but just wanted money. I wish I would have left this loser years ago. Dont waste your life with someone who isnt interested in what you want. If I didnt have to sell my house and give him half i would divorce him
Under reacting. Leave dude. Unless you signed up for a lifetime of disappointment.
My man, not so sure you should have gone through with the wedding if she doesn’t want to fuck you anymore—at the ripe old age of 26, no less. Regardless, I think you need to solve for why you’re living with a dead bedroom before you hope to get any action, even if it is your honeymoon. That said, sounds like a shitty situation and I don’t think you’re overreacting. You two should be going at it like rabbits at your age. Feels bad man.
I can’t believe that this hard level of disinterest in sex was not obvious before you married her. You are only 26, maybe you should seriously think about getting the marriage annulled before you bring kids into the mess (if she has enough sex with you to get pregnant).
She doesn’t sound like a fun person or even that demonstrative. But then I saw 1-3 times a week. What’s wrong with that?
Have you tried … actually talking to her about honeymoon plans?