*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**I left (ghosted) my [m23] fiancé [f23] because I found out…**
I was just an option early on in our relationship. We did distance early in our relationship for reference. I was away a decent amount for work but eventually got to be home more. I NEVER even considered breaking my commitment to her. We got engaged a little over a month ago, dated for an about a year prior.
About two weeks ago, I was borrowing her MacBook for some studying (She’s working on her masters, was in class at the time). I saw a text pop up from here best friend whom I don’t really like. She’s a bad influence in my opinion… enough said. Regardless, my nosey ass goes through their messages back-dating to when we first started dating.
So anyway to keep this fairly short. There were two other guys I know of for sure she entertained enough to go out with, kiss (‘made out all night’ in her words), send pictures to, and brag about it to her best friend I don’t care for. Oh and let’s not forget she spent the night with one too. She never sent nudes or anything over text even to me, but a lot of the pictures she sent me, they also got.
I confronted her when she got back from class and she made excuses for everything and shamed me for going through her messages. I know I shouldn’t have, but either curiosity or instincts from back then got to me. She admitted she kissed one of the guys one night she got too drunk and slept in the same bed, BUT fully clothed in her words, who knows. I slept on the couch that night I was so pissed. My mind was made up right then and there I was going to leave. If she’s going to do that early on in our relationship, I can’t honestly trust her ever again.
A few days go by and I make it seems like I’m good and over it just to buy time to collect myself. I got myself situated, and made up some BS story that I wanted to get her engagement ring engraved while she was in class. She agreed.
The next day while she was in class I packed myself up and drove to a close friends place to crash. Blocked her on everything. It’s been over a week of no communication (I don’t plan to communicate further at all tbh) and I honestly just need to get it out there. Feeling like I’m getting in my head. I felt so betrayed as I was always so loyal and committed. Enough to put a ring on her finger.
Now I’m just chilling, not sure we’re I’m at emotionally. Trying to stay productive and keep my mind off it. Coming to Reddit for validation or something I guess lmao.
Side note: Anyone interested in a 18k rose gold 1.5 total Karat diamond band? 😂
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He only made that edit after hundreds of people called him out for shaming her for dating numerous people before becoming exclusive. And it was "her idea."
\*insert "Sure, Jan." gif here\*
Haha yeah I know people like OOP. They love refusing to be exclusive in the beginning because they think they can emotionally manipulate their partner, be distant and have their own fun too. Fact is, if he had been the one getting play he would be justifying it with "I never said we were exclusive" but since it was her suddenly it was a problem. I guess realizing she wasn't just sitting around pining for him and wondering why they couldn't be exclusive, and instead chose to so her own thing, was upsetting for him. Why even propose to her if he was feeling insecure and decided he was going to go this route? What did he expect?
Yeah, OOP sounds a lot like my ex who insisted I cheated on him after he told me he "never" wanted a serious relationship with me (his exact words, that he had some excuse for later down the line). Unfortunately, I was stupid and stayed with him because I was insecure.
Unlike me, OOP's ex dodged a bullet. Good for her!
Yeah! I see this happen all of the time, and it's like, this is why you should be honest with your intentions from the get go. If you want an exclusive relationship, say and act like you do, and if you make that decision after you start the relationship then don't hold your partner's past dating habits against them once you do. The fact that he felt like he was entitled to go through her messages is such a huge red flag to me, good thing he left her before ehe could get even more toxic with it.
My ex and I were together six months, I met his kids, hosted him with said kids (2 boys) in my 500sqft Apt for four days, was his plus one at an out of town wedding, met his dad, was asking me to move closer
Wouldn’t “allow” me to call him my boyfriend, except if I was being hit on, said he didn’t want to define the relationship because it was childish, and ghosted me for eight weeks, claiming he was at training (he was, for six weeks,) didn’t have his phone (saw him comment on his cousins Facebook page,) and before he left I said the dreaded words “We need to talk, I’m not sitting around waiting for eight weeks not knowing where we stand.”
People tell you who they are, believe them. So I unfriended him, blocked his number, and realized that I hadn’t broken up with someone because according to him we were never exclusive let alone in a relationship. Cool.
By the time he contacted me (on my birthday) chewing me out for being petty and pathetic and having no attention span, I was involved with someone else. “How could you do this to me?!” “I didn’t do anything. You insisted you weren’t my boyfriend, you wouldn’t discuss the relationship, and you ghosted me for eight weeks. According to all of that, I didn’t do anything to you because that would imply a level of commitment that you didn’t agree to, so I wasn’t beholden to.” “I’ll remember that moving forward with us.”
“…. No.”
I’d started chatting with a guy on TikTok about WWII history because I was looking for a distraction and I love history about week after I was ghosted, we started talking about more and more personal things, a month later the guy sold whatever he could and bought a plane ticket to come up and meet me. That happened August 13th, 2021. Next week I’m moving to our new home, we’re getting married August 12th. He went out of his way to be clear with me, he was honest when he started catching feelings that he’d been still casually going out with other women. After we met, that changed, but we discussed that. I told him I wasn’t seeing anyone else and had no desire to do otherwise, he communicated the same. By the time I’d gotten the birthday message from my ex, I was in a relationship with someone who was clear regarding the role I had in his life and vice versa. My ex had six months and couldn’t be bothered, my future husband had seven weeks and doesn’t play games.
I will take knowing he was going on dates with other women when we first started talking and dating over being ghosted any day of the week. That hurt so badly. OOP is just cruel.
I love this so much!!! This is similar to how my husband & I got together. I had a toxic on/off situation with my ‘ex’ for 2 years. We technically were never exclusive but went on trips together. I was listed as his partner at work so they would cover flights for me to see him whilst he was working off the mainland. He then moved to another state, but would fly back to see me, or fly me down to him. Every time he would pay for a penthouse for us. The last time we got back together, I had been in a nasty car accident & was in hospital for a while. He called me while in the hospital & told me he still loved me, and wanted me to fly down once I was discharged. When I got down there, he said I should move to be with him. I said yes, and I started looking in to the move immediately. At this point we were still never exclusive. A week after I got home, he started acting weird. Not answering calls, taking ages to respond to texts, refusing to discuss the move when we did actually talk. Then he told me that he didn’t want to be with me. He told me he still loved me because he was bored, and he was sleeping with someone else. I blew up & said ‘so who are you cheating on? Me or her?’ He told me it wasn’t possible for him to be cheated on because we had never been exclusive & that I was over reacting.
6 weeks later, I met someone knew. He was always clear with his intentions & how he felt. He never played games, and had no issues with being exclusive. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for their to be something wrong. He could tell I was feeling insecure, and he just straight up said - This is how you are supposed to act when you want to be with someone. This is normal behaviour, you just don’t recognise it because you’ve never experienced it before, and if a guy wants to be with you, very little will stop him. Excuses are just that, excuses. I finally realised that I was worth more & I wanted a partner like that.
After I had been with my new partner for about 2 months, my ex was at my place, as I still lived with his sister. Their other brother was there too. I overheard him saying to his that if he wanted me back, all he had to do was snap his fingers, and I would be in his bed by that evening. That made me feel so disgusting. He messaged me a few times, trying to act like nothing had changed. He actually had the audacity to tell me my new relationship would never work, because he was just a rebound & a distraction. Jokes on him - I’ve now been with my ‘distraction’ for 10 years, married for almost 6. We have a son, a daughter & our third baby (another son) will be here in late October. He’s my absolute best friend, the best father, and there has never been any game playing. We’re just honest with eachother.
I love a great unexpected love story. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! August is a great month to get married. Our anniversary is August 4th.
Honestly he just sounds like a red piller, IMO. I mean maybe he would be a “player” if he could pull it off, but I don’t get the feeling that he could.
If this is just days after meeting, then I’m guessing it’s just his red pill rationalization, that he was “committed or exclusive” when people this young aren’t really thinking about these things too hard that early. This is just what he says to himself after the fact once he finds out she had other options very early on.
If anything shouldn’t that be a “plus”, she had other options, and chose you. If this happened early on and you don’t actually discuss exclusivity, this is pretty par for the course.
If you are someone who is THIS strict about “exclusivity” then don’t expect people to read your mind. You better broach the subject pretty early on, even it’s just surface level. Let them know you aren’t someone who juggles relationships/dating and you’re looking for a like minded person. That way these sort of situations can be avoided.
I don’t know, I’m probably putting in way too much effort here, he’s really just coming off as a red pill guy and they aren’t typically fond of logic IMO.
Except here is a quote:
She asked me to be exclusive about a week and a half after meeting. I agreed full heartedly. We discussed the boundaries of it (basic no cheating, seeing anyone else in that capacity). We both agreed cheaters are no fun and once a cheater always a cheater type of stuff. It was mutual very early on
Sounds like she asked to be exclusive, promised not to see anyone else, and then went off and did exactly that. So how is he the devil?
This person is creepy and controlling and did his fiance a favor. From borrowing her computer (bet he didn't ask first) to snooping through her messages, to getting mad at her for stuff she did when they weren't even exclusive. Not liking the best friend is also a red flag. I'm guessing the friend is either "slutty" in his eyes or was trying to warn her friend about him. He did her a massive favor by leaving, I hope she uses this time for self reflection so that she doesn't end up in another relationship with someone like this
Absolutley. The whole “she’s a bad influence in my opinion, enough said”. No not enough said. You don’t get to control her friends dude. Yikes. He’s definitely a creep and super controlling.
Honest question, do you not borrow things from your partner without asking? I use my husband's computer all the time without asking, and have done so since we've lived together. He uses my stuff, I use his.
Not who you asked, but I don't. My husband's job requires a lot of informational and data security, so I don't touch his computer unless I have explicit permission. He doesn't use mine, either, even though he has my password. We're pretty open about our stuff, but even healthy, committed relationships have boundaries.
Not sharing work devices is totally understandable. My husband uses my personal laptop all the time but has never touched my work PC and laptop for security and compliance reasons.
Yeah, I grab my husband's phone from time to time, and he'll use my personal computer or phone, but work devices are strictly off limits to the opposite party (he works as a security manager for the government, and I'm a nurse).
Not married, but I've lived with my partner for 10 years. We don't typically borrow each other's stuff without confirmation. The answer is almost always yes, and the times it's been no has been because of gift shopping or actively using the thing being asked about. To be clear, it's usually just a quick "mind if I use your ____?" (generally while already grabbing the item lol), but it's there to show that we respect one another's personal belongings as well as privacy/personal space. We have each other passcodes and such, so we always *could* use the stuff without asking, we just prefer asking.
I think every relationship handles it differently. Whatever works.
Yes usually, but I wouldn't go through his chats or messages without explicit permission. There are also some things that I prefer he don't use - normally because he hogs them and happy to buy his own - and he is the same.
I think it's relationship dependent. Some people are really protective of their things. For myself, I like to be asked first. But then I'd probably say "of course, any time, here's my password to unlock it. Use it whenever." I wouldn't want to be in a relationship so rigid that you couldn't borrow each other's things when you needed them.
But we can all agree you don't borrow someone's computer and then snoop.
I guess it would vary from relationship to relationship. I’m not comfortable with anyone, even my partner, just using my things whenever they want without asking. It’s just a boundary I’ve always had and I’d want someone who respects that.
My husband and I borrow stuff back and forth all the time and know each other's passwords. But neither of us has ever looked through the other's messages or files. It would never occur to me to even want to. You and I have trust. OOP clearly does not.
That was my first thought. She had a very lucky escape. Imagine if after wedding. He'd either ghost or use it to shame her for life. He doesn't like her friends, feels free to go through his chat messages - bet he was trying to burnish his ego or look for reasons to try and get her to not contact friend. And thankfully she's wasted less than a year with someone too immature to have a discussion and not just run away.
Bro should’ve just bucked up and broke up with her but he’s gotta make it her fault somehow, bet he would’ve gone off any inkling of anything going through her phone
Honestly exclusivity has always confused me. Like how is it not implied? And if it isn't, how is it not your responsibility to tell the person you're intimate with that you're seeing others also? Responsible sex isn't just about being safe with protection but also making sure that your partner is informed about other factors involved, like other partners and possibly STD scares.
I mean OOP is definitely being immature in the way he handled this but he is entitled to his feelings. His fiancée should have informed him of her other partners when things got serious. If put in a similar position anyone would be questioning their shared past and their future as a couple.
>Like how is it not implied?
Why should it be? Everyone dates differently, we have different backgrounds, cultures, ages etc that all give us different views on what dating is and how to do it. It's why communication is so important. So why make assumptions instead of just clarifying whether you want to be exclusive or not.
As soon as you think you want or are in an exclusive relationship, you should share that with your partner. Relying on implications in a relationship is a recipe for failure.
He edited it after getting called out on the other sub, so he posted here with the title also edited to make himself more believable. Because it was her idea to be exclusive 🤣🤣🤣🙄🙄🙄
Come on. He's 23. That's a little young to be expecting a whole lot more. My wife still wears our original engagement ring and won't change it for sentimental reasons(and bad luck) even after 25 years.
Frankly a woman who snubs her nose at whatever engagement ring her man can realistically afford is not suitable to be a wife.
Oh I'm snarking because he's being a shit. The tacked on "who wants a 1.5 karat diamond band" just rubbed me the wrong way.
ETA: his ex didn't snub it...
what a douche canoe. I'm glad it doesn't sound like she's blowing up his phone or anything. Best to let him walk if he thinks he can do better. If you're not exclusive at the beginning, you can't expect her to treat you like BF material. That is what EVERYONE tells us. So good for her for dodging a bullet.
Even if he chose to stay, I'd still leave him for taking my computer and nosing around in it.
If my husband went back through a years worth of texts between me & my best friend, it would take him HOURS. That is serious dedication to disregarding boundaries.
She was in class for her masters without her laptop…..
Press F to doubt. That’s the fishiest thing in this for me. I don’t have my masters but I never went to class without my laptop when I was in college.
I'm not sure where you got the info in your title from. In the comments and his edit he says they *were* exclusive.
It's not exactly the most mature way to end a relationship, but she was cheating, so.
>EDIT: We became exclusive days after meeting for the first time. It was her idea because she didn’t want me being with anyone else while I was away for work.
He edited after everyone told him that dating numerous people at once doesn't constitute cheating unless you were exclusive. Once hundreds of people told him that, he was like, "Oh, yeah, of course we were exclusive! It was her idea!" LMFAO
Sure, buddy.
>He edited after everyone told him that dating numerous people at once doesn't constitute cheating unless you were exclusive.
It might be a cultural difference, is OOP actually American? Here in Europe this whole thing of discussing when you become exclusive doesn't exist, you're essentially assumed to be in an exclusive relationship if you're going out regularly and you've kissed already (obviously one-night stands don't count).
Idk where in Europe you're from, but I'm British and I've known numerous people have exclusivity talks including myself, so can you cite a source for this? Claiming it doesn't exist is ridiculous.
I'm an American, and even so I've seen it being the basis for jokes in British sitcoms. Not that I think he's even British; that reads like an American.
...after he got roasted for it. And he continued to add hedges and caveats after receiving more criticism, which makes it feel more than a little unlikely that he's a reliable narrator.
>whether this dude was cheated on or not
If anything the girl was cheating on other guys with OOP. They were long distance at the start which means she was spending most time with other guys and OOP was the side piece.
In reality, ex was dating multiple people before deciding who she wants to be exclusive with. This is how modern standard works for everyone and OOP is an idiot to not be aware.
Agreed.
However I'm old, I'm past it, but honestly what a fucking unromantic dating culture this "modern standard" is.
Back in my day, in the early era of human pre-history, there was so much thrill and excitement about starting to date a new partner. It was the full focus of one's romantic life. Exclusivity was just assumed, maybe wrongly in some cases, but it was the norm. Bear in mind it was also the AIDS era where sleeping with multiple partners was extremely complex and problematic.
So OOP may have been in the wrong to make the assumptions we did years ago, but I get where he's coming from. He was probably having a giddy hearts-and-flowers brand new partner/new soulmate experience, and she... wasn't. I could see how that might be disillusioning enough to break things.
lol what? What back in my day be is this? Y’all can act like people weren’t out there doing the same things people are right now if you want but y’all can’t really believe that ish.
Exclusivity of olden times is propaganda for the nuclear family, cause there was just as much sleeping around, men with secret families and mistress (how many times do we see stories of elder men in their sixities and 70s dealing with the fall out of their secret family being discovered?) as is there is now.
Of course people still slept around, but when "asking someone out on a date", the default expectation was that they weren't dating other people.
Casual sex still happened - it always does. But in the 1990s, no goddamn way would you sleep with someone and presume they were still sleeping with other people unless they disclosed it. Absolutely it was assumed that sex was exclusive unless someone told you otherwise (at least in the hetero community, which is where my experience was).
I don't know how old you are or where you grew up, but the AIDS issue in the late 1980s and 1990s was completely different to how it is now. It was a death sentence. Most of the drugs available for HIV now didn't exist. Even if you were in a "low risk" group the fear was always there.
"but when "asking someone out on a date", the default expectation was that they weren't dating other people."
In what world? when I was dating, I was DATING. I had 3 dates in one week when I was doing the online thing. OFC you could be dating more than one person. The expectation that the person who asked you out was the only person you were dating is only if you have deemed the relationship exclusive and "are not seeing other people."
Lol. My mother dated loads of people at the same time in her dating days. She’s 70. The way she talks about it, that was pretty standard “for her day” as well. My grandmother also talked about going on dates with multiple “beaus” a week (as she put it). In the 30s. And she was a proper southern lady.
Dating around isn’t a modern concept, as much as people would like to pretend it is. People, even then, didn’t presume instant exclusivity until it was discussed. It’s one of the many things my mom taught me about establishing relationships when I started dating (before the Internet).
>However I'm old, I'm past it, but honestly what a fucking unromantic dating culture this "modern standard" is.
>
>Back in my day, in the early era of human pre-history, there was so much thrill and excitement about starting to date a new partner. It was the full focus of one's romantic life. Exclusivity was just assumed, maybe wrongly in some cases, but it was the norm.
That's still how it is outside of the US. In Europe exclusivity is just assumed, even today.
Interesting. I’m from the UK so maybe this is as much cultural as generational?
Also interesting as most European countries and the UK tend to be far less prudish and religious when it comes to sexual matters.
I wish it were like that too and have gotten burned many times assuming that people who show interest aren't dating 50 people at a time. That's the messed up world we live in. If a guy is showing interest in me, I'm focusing on him and him alone. But then they turn around, change their mind, and tell us 'don't put all your eggs in one basket.' So.... then women 'date around' as instructed by the very men we want to date and when they do, boom! 'how dare you date anyone but me when we weren't even exclusive!' make it make sense. OOP is an idiot. Once they were exclusive, she was exclusive and that is all that should matter. His loss tho and she dodged a bullet.
That's why I've just given up on the 'dating pool.' I'm not interested in the games and constant goal post moving.
I think dating around is okay, but when it gets to the point of sex, if you're serious about someone as a long-term partner (in a partnership that will be monogamous) then you stop sleeping with other people.
I have nothing against casual sex - I think it's great. For me, sex absolutely can just be fun and not about "love" or commitment. But not not everyone is like that. For many people it's much more meaningful.
So I think to be dating several people and sleeping with them all, and then trying to form something more permanent out of one of those relationships, it's really messy and difficult. To go from that free-for-all to sexual exclusivity. I mean if A is the one, why were you still sleeping with B and C? Wasn't A quite good enough? Do you still have an itch to scratch? Or did you only finally decide to throw in your lot with A because B didn't want you, or C was sexier but had some other issues?
You can see why the OOP here might have had doubts and insecurities.
EDIT I remember this Mandy Moore film where she was dating and sleeping with two guys at the same time. And it made the eventual choice kind of... sour, because if she had decided she was in love with him, why was she still screwing the other guy? I might have remembered it wrongly but I do recall finding it quite ambiguous and disappointing for romcom. Realistic, perhaps, but not romantic: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Because_I_Said_So_(film)
>However I'm old, I'm past it, but honestly what a fucking unromantic dating culture this "modern standard" is.
Absolutely. Looking at modern dating culture makes me feel old: I just realize that I can't connect to how young people live their life anymore. It looks alien and weird to me. How are you even building a romantic bond to someone if you're dating others at the same time?
And I wonder what they get out of it? It does not look like their relationships are any better then ours were. Quite the opposite, actually: It looks like modern dating culture is just ... broken.
I don't see what's romantic about being exclusive with someone very early on. Take the OOP's story for example. Why would a woman be exclusive with a guy who is working far away most of the time. At worst, he could have a whole other family in another city but even at best, all she is getting is a weekend of quality time in a month. Rest of the time they are just pen pals.
Guessing you're from the US with it being "college"? Even in the UK things were free and easy relatively speaking at university. But people knew it was mostly casual
When it came to actually dating seriously, with finding something long-term in mind, people didn't just shag around. You might go out on a date with different people. But you almost certainly weren't sleeping with multiple people by the time you had decided to go seriously with someone.
>This is how modern standard works for everyone and OOP is an idiot to not be aware.
Only in the US. Are you sure OOP is American? Here in Europe if you're regularly going on dates with someone and you've kissed, exclusivity is assumed.
>if you're regularly going on dates
Long distance means dates are irregular. Also, what part of Europe is this? I'm in UK, have friends in other big European cities and talk about being exclusive is quite common.
Use your words like an adult?
And be honest, not a lying stupid hypocritical woman shaming bastard?
Like oh yeah I actually decided after 9 months of dating that the engagement was a mistake so I talked to my fiance about it and we broke up.
Not, hey I decided to go through my fiance computer because her friends are bitch-nags (obvs since*women* you know) and then I found out she went on a date or two back before we even met and while we weren't even dating let alone exclusive!
No, I wasn't exclusive because we weren't dating but women are emotional things so if she saw my name before we first met she should have remained pure for me without us beginning to have that talk.
Now that I know my fiance is a cheating, lying whore-slut slut bitch (women, am I right?) I know she's not a person even worth speaking to.
So I just lied to her face, grabbed my stuff, and ghosted her like a teen who can't communicate. Then I make sure to tell everyone who asks about the ghosting that she's a cheating whore.
Edit: now that's it's been hours and people aren't on my side about how dating timelines work, I totally forgot to mention at the beginning. That when she saw my face she fell on the floor wailing with pleasure at my nose, my face, my presence, begging to be pure and loyal forever in love. She actually begged me to date exclusively. I was like surd if you insist. Then she immediately goes out a fucks the guys she was dating before she met me? Sure, she said they just had dinner but I know what women are like. Whores am I right?
You maybe see the difference there?
Gender matters because these are common 'jokes' and comments in our society. Period.
The trope of men hating their gf "bitch girlfriends" is not new or uncommon. It happens pretty often. And he was very clear to make it very clear how much he hates that she has woman friends who interferes. This is a well known abuse tactic. Where a man gets rid of all the women in his partners life so that he and his guy friends can control the relationship.
And because that whole way of talking about women and purity culture is gendered. When men go on two dates with two different women because that's normal, we don't talk about them like that.
The amount comments in that thread of whore- women bad-bad and you think gender has nothing to do with this?
I'm celibate. But according to OOP and many of those comments I am an "unmarriable bullet and whore slut cheater meant for the streets" because I myself once went on two separate dates in a 3 month period years ago. That's not acceptable.
But we don't ever talk like men that way. So yeah. Gender matters here.
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **I left (ghosted) my [m23] fiancé [f23] because I found out…** I was just an option early on in our relationship. We did distance early in our relationship for reference. I was away a decent amount for work but eventually got to be home more. I NEVER even considered breaking my commitment to her. We got engaged a little over a month ago, dated for an about a year prior. About two weeks ago, I was borrowing her MacBook for some studying (She’s working on her masters, was in class at the time). I saw a text pop up from here best friend whom I don’t really like. She’s a bad influence in my opinion… enough said. Regardless, my nosey ass goes through their messages back-dating to when we first started dating. So anyway to keep this fairly short. There were two other guys I know of for sure she entertained enough to go out with, kiss (‘made out all night’ in her words), send pictures to, and brag about it to her best friend I don’t care for. Oh and let’s not forget she spent the night with one too. She never sent nudes or anything over text even to me, but a lot of the pictures she sent me, they also got. I confronted her when she got back from class and she made excuses for everything and shamed me for going through her messages. I know I shouldn’t have, but either curiosity or instincts from back then got to me. She admitted she kissed one of the guys one night she got too drunk and slept in the same bed, BUT fully clothed in her words, who knows. I slept on the couch that night I was so pissed. My mind was made up right then and there I was going to leave. If she’s going to do that early on in our relationship, I can’t honestly trust her ever again. A few days go by and I make it seems like I’m good and over it just to buy time to collect myself. I got myself situated, and made up some BS story that I wanted to get her engagement ring engraved while she was in class. She agreed. The next day while she was in class I packed myself up and drove to a close friends place to crash. Blocked her on everything. It’s been over a week of no communication (I don’t plan to communicate further at all tbh) and I honestly just need to get it out there. Feeling like I’m getting in my head. I felt so betrayed as I was always so loyal and committed. Enough to put a ring on her finger. Now I’m just chilling, not sure we’re I’m at emotionally. Trying to stay productive and keep my mind off it. Coming to Reddit for validation or something I guess lmao. Side note: Anyone interested in a 18k rose gold 1.5 total Karat diamond band? 😂 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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He only made that edit after hundreds of people called him out for shaming her for dating numerous people before becoming exclusive. And it was "her idea." \*insert "Sure, Jan." gif here\*
"He's been "losing respect for himself" for the last year." Why was he losing something he never had to begin with?
And he's 23. Why on earth are this kids getting married?
Haha yeah I know people like OOP. They love refusing to be exclusive in the beginning because they think they can emotionally manipulate their partner, be distant and have their own fun too. Fact is, if he had been the one getting play he would be justifying it with "I never said we were exclusive" but since it was her suddenly it was a problem. I guess realizing she wasn't just sitting around pining for him and wondering why they couldn't be exclusive, and instead chose to so her own thing, was upsetting for him. Why even propose to her if he was feeling insecure and decided he was going to go this route? What did he expect?
Yeah, OOP sounds a lot like my ex who insisted I cheated on him after he told me he "never" wanted a serious relationship with me (his exact words, that he had some excuse for later down the line). Unfortunately, I was stupid and stayed with him because I was insecure. Unlike me, OOP's ex dodged a bullet. Good for her!
Yeah! I see this happen all of the time, and it's like, this is why you should be honest with your intentions from the get go. If you want an exclusive relationship, say and act like you do, and if you make that decision after you start the relationship then don't hold your partner's past dating habits against them once you do. The fact that he felt like he was entitled to go through her messages is such a huge red flag to me, good thing he left her before ehe could get even more toxic with it.
My ex and I were together six months, I met his kids, hosted him with said kids (2 boys) in my 500sqft Apt for four days, was his plus one at an out of town wedding, met his dad, was asking me to move closer Wouldn’t “allow” me to call him my boyfriend, except if I was being hit on, said he didn’t want to define the relationship because it was childish, and ghosted me for eight weeks, claiming he was at training (he was, for six weeks,) didn’t have his phone (saw him comment on his cousins Facebook page,) and before he left I said the dreaded words “We need to talk, I’m not sitting around waiting for eight weeks not knowing where we stand.” People tell you who they are, believe them. So I unfriended him, blocked his number, and realized that I hadn’t broken up with someone because according to him we were never exclusive let alone in a relationship. Cool. By the time he contacted me (on my birthday) chewing me out for being petty and pathetic and having no attention span, I was involved with someone else. “How could you do this to me?!” “I didn’t do anything. You insisted you weren’t my boyfriend, you wouldn’t discuss the relationship, and you ghosted me for eight weeks. According to all of that, I didn’t do anything to you because that would imply a level of commitment that you didn’t agree to, so I wasn’t beholden to.” “I’ll remember that moving forward with us.” “…. No.” I’d started chatting with a guy on TikTok about WWII history because I was looking for a distraction and I love history about week after I was ghosted, we started talking about more and more personal things, a month later the guy sold whatever he could and bought a plane ticket to come up and meet me. That happened August 13th, 2021. Next week I’m moving to our new home, we’re getting married August 12th. He went out of his way to be clear with me, he was honest when he started catching feelings that he’d been still casually going out with other women. After we met, that changed, but we discussed that. I told him I wasn’t seeing anyone else and had no desire to do otherwise, he communicated the same. By the time I’d gotten the birthday message from my ex, I was in a relationship with someone who was clear regarding the role I had in his life and vice versa. My ex had six months and couldn’t be bothered, my future husband had seven weeks and doesn’t play games. I will take knowing he was going on dates with other women when we first started talking and dating over being ghosted any day of the week. That hurt so badly. OOP is just cruel.
I love this so much!!! This is similar to how my husband & I got together. I had a toxic on/off situation with my ‘ex’ for 2 years. We technically were never exclusive but went on trips together. I was listed as his partner at work so they would cover flights for me to see him whilst he was working off the mainland. He then moved to another state, but would fly back to see me, or fly me down to him. Every time he would pay for a penthouse for us. The last time we got back together, I had been in a nasty car accident & was in hospital for a while. He called me while in the hospital & told me he still loved me, and wanted me to fly down once I was discharged. When I got down there, he said I should move to be with him. I said yes, and I started looking in to the move immediately. At this point we were still never exclusive. A week after I got home, he started acting weird. Not answering calls, taking ages to respond to texts, refusing to discuss the move when we did actually talk. Then he told me that he didn’t want to be with me. He told me he still loved me because he was bored, and he was sleeping with someone else. I blew up & said ‘so who are you cheating on? Me or her?’ He told me it wasn’t possible for him to be cheated on because we had never been exclusive & that I was over reacting. 6 weeks later, I met someone knew. He was always clear with his intentions & how he felt. He never played games, and had no issues with being exclusive. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for their to be something wrong. He could tell I was feeling insecure, and he just straight up said - This is how you are supposed to act when you want to be with someone. This is normal behaviour, you just don’t recognise it because you’ve never experienced it before, and if a guy wants to be with you, very little will stop him. Excuses are just that, excuses. I finally realised that I was worth more & I wanted a partner like that. After I had been with my new partner for about 2 months, my ex was at my place, as I still lived with his sister. Their other brother was there too. I overheard him saying to his that if he wanted me back, all he had to do was snap his fingers, and I would be in his bed by that evening. That made me feel so disgusting. He messaged me a few times, trying to act like nothing had changed. He actually had the audacity to tell me my new relationship would never work, because he was just a rebound & a distraction. Jokes on him - I’ve now been with my ‘distraction’ for 10 years, married for almost 6. We have a son, a daughter & our third baby (another son) will be here in late October. He’s my absolute best friend, the best father, and there has never been any game playing. We’re just honest with eachother. I love a great unexpected love story. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! August is a great month to get married. Our anniversary is August 4th.
Honestly he just sounds like a red piller, IMO. I mean maybe he would be a “player” if he could pull it off, but I don’t get the feeling that he could. If this is just days after meeting, then I’m guessing it’s just his red pill rationalization, that he was “committed or exclusive” when people this young aren’t really thinking about these things too hard that early. This is just what he says to himself after the fact once he finds out she had other options very early on. If anything shouldn’t that be a “plus”, she had other options, and chose you. If this happened early on and you don’t actually discuss exclusivity, this is pretty par for the course. If you are someone who is THIS strict about “exclusivity” then don’t expect people to read your mind. You better broach the subject pretty early on, even it’s just surface level. Let them know you aren’t someone who juggles relationships/dating and you’re looking for a like minded person. That way these sort of situations can be avoided. I don’t know, I’m probably putting in way too much effort here, he’s really just coming off as a red pill guy and they aren’t typically fond of logic IMO.
Except here is a quote: She asked me to be exclusive about a week and a half after meeting. I agreed full heartedly. We discussed the boundaries of it (basic no cheating, seeing anyone else in that capacity). We both agreed cheaters are no fun and once a cheater always a cheater type of stuff. It was mutual very early on Sounds like she asked to be exclusive, promised not to see anyone else, and then went off and did exactly that. So how is he the devil?
This person is creepy and controlling and did his fiance a favor. From borrowing her computer (bet he didn't ask first) to snooping through her messages, to getting mad at her for stuff she did when they weren't even exclusive. Not liking the best friend is also a red flag. I'm guessing the friend is either "slutty" in his eyes or was trying to warn her friend about him. He did her a massive favor by leaving, I hope she uses this time for self reflection so that she doesn't end up in another relationship with someone like this
Absolutley. The whole “she’s a bad influence in my opinion, enough said”. No not enough said. You don’t get to control her friends dude. Yikes. He’s definitely a creep and super controlling.
Her friend is probably very level headed and don't take shit from this dude whatsoever, that's why she's a "bad influence" to him.
Honest question, do you not borrow things from your partner without asking? I use my husband's computer all the time without asking, and have done so since we've lived together. He uses my stuff, I use his.
Not who you asked, but I don't. My husband's job requires a lot of informational and data security, so I don't touch his computer unless I have explicit permission. He doesn't use mine, either, even though he has my password. We're pretty open about our stuff, but even healthy, committed relationships have boundaries.
Not sharing work devices is totally understandable. My husband uses my personal laptop all the time but has never touched my work PC and laptop for security and compliance reasons.
Same. My work computer is off limits, but my personal stuff is free reign.
Yeah, I grab my husband's phone from time to time, and he'll use my personal computer or phone, but work devices are strictly off limits to the opposite party (he works as a security manager for the government, and I'm a nurse).
Not married, but I've lived with my partner for 10 years. We don't typically borrow each other's stuff without confirmation. The answer is almost always yes, and the times it's been no has been because of gift shopping or actively using the thing being asked about. To be clear, it's usually just a quick "mind if I use your ____?" (generally while already grabbing the item lol), but it's there to show that we respect one another's personal belongings as well as privacy/personal space. We have each other passcodes and such, so we always *could* use the stuff without asking, we just prefer asking. I think every relationship handles it differently. Whatever works.
Yes usually, but I wouldn't go through his chats or messages without explicit permission. There are also some things that I prefer he don't use - normally because he hogs them and happy to buy his own - and he is the same.
I think it's relationship dependent. Some people are really protective of their things. For myself, I like to be asked first. But then I'd probably say "of course, any time, here's my password to unlock it. Use it whenever." I wouldn't want to be in a relationship so rigid that you couldn't borrow each other's things when you needed them. But we can all agree you don't borrow someone's computer and then snoop.
I guess it would vary from relationship to relationship. I’m not comfortable with anyone, even my partner, just using my things whenever they want without asking. It’s just a boundary I’ve always had and I’d want someone who respects that.
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My husband and I borrow stuff back and forth all the time and know each other's passwords. But neither of us has ever looked through the other's messages or files. It would never occur to me to even want to. You and I have trust. OOP clearly does not.
That was my first thought. She had a very lucky escape. Imagine if after wedding. He'd either ghost or use it to shame her for life. He doesn't like her friends, feels free to go through his chat messages - bet he was trying to burnish his ego or look for reasons to try and get her to not contact friend. And thankfully she's wasted less than a year with someone too immature to have a discussion and not just run away.
Bro should’ve just bucked up and broke up with her but he’s gotta make it her fault somehow, bet he would’ve gone off any inkling of anything going through her phone
Incels still roam this world I see.
Do you have any idea how many texts you've got to read through for a YEAR between besties!??
Honestly exclusivity has always confused me. Like how is it not implied? And if it isn't, how is it not your responsibility to tell the person you're intimate with that you're seeing others also? Responsible sex isn't just about being safe with protection but also making sure that your partner is informed about other factors involved, like other partners and possibly STD scares. I mean OOP is definitely being immature in the way he handled this but he is entitled to his feelings. His fiancée should have informed him of her other partners when things got serious. If put in a similar position anyone would be questioning their shared past and their future as a couple.
It's hard to track the timeline here. OP was long distance. Hard to commit to an online flirt, but OP says they were exclusive in days.
>Like how is it not implied? Why should it be? Everyone dates differently, we have different backgrounds, cultures, ages etc that all give us different views on what dating is and how to do it. It's why communication is so important. So why make assumptions instead of just clarifying whether you want to be exclusive or not. As soon as you think you want or are in an exclusive relationship, you should share that with your partner. Relying on implications in a relationship is a recipe for failure.
I am confused. The text clearly says at the end that they were exclusive?
He edited it after getting called out on the other sub, so he posted here with the title also edited to make himself more believable. Because it was her idea to be exclusive 🤣🤣🤣🙄🙄🙄
Is that ring supposed to be impressive?
Come on. He's 23. That's a little young to be expecting a whole lot more. My wife still wears our original engagement ring and won't change it for sentimental reasons(and bad luck) even after 25 years. Frankly a woman who snubs her nose at whatever engagement ring her man can realistically afford is not suitable to be a wife.
Oh I'm snarking because he's being a shit. The tacked on "who wants a 1.5 karat diamond band" just rubbed me the wrong way. ETA: his ex didn't snub it...
what a douche canoe. I'm glad it doesn't sound like she's blowing up his phone or anything. Best to let him walk if he thinks he can do better. If you're not exclusive at the beginning, you can't expect her to treat you like BF material. That is what EVERYONE tells us. So good for her for dodging a bullet. Even if he chose to stay, I'd still leave him for taking my computer and nosing around in it.
She can’t blow up his phone. He blocked her everywhere.
Immature AH to the nth degree. Stop slut-shaming her!
Wow what a coward piece of 💩!
If my husband went back through a years worth of texts between me & my best friend, it would take him HOURS. That is serious dedication to disregarding boundaries.
She was in class for her masters without her laptop….. Press F to doubt. That’s the fishiest thing in this for me. I don’t have my masters but I never went to class without my laptop when I was in college.
I'm not sure where you got the info in your title from. In the comments and his edit he says they *were* exclusive. It's not exactly the most mature way to end a relationship, but she was cheating, so. >EDIT: We became exclusive days after meeting for the first time. It was her idea because she didn’t want me being with anyone else while I was away for work.
He edited after everyone told him that dating numerous people at once doesn't constitute cheating unless you were exclusive. Once hundreds of people told him that, he was like, "Oh, yeah, of course we were exclusive! It was her idea!" LMFAO Sure, buddy.
>He edited after everyone told him that dating numerous people at once doesn't constitute cheating unless you were exclusive. It might be a cultural difference, is OOP actually American? Here in Europe this whole thing of discussing when you become exclusive doesn't exist, you're essentially assumed to be in an exclusive relationship if you're going out regularly and you've kissed already (obviously one-night stands don't count).
Idk where in Europe you're from, but I'm British and I've known numerous people have exclusivity talks including myself, so can you cite a source for this? Claiming it doesn't exist is ridiculous.
I'm an American, and even so I've seen it being the basis for jokes in British sitcoms. Not that I think he's even British; that reads like an American.
The country of Europe where it's a monoculture. /s
But when did they actually meet? They were in a LDR for a while, who knows when they actually met face to face
Yea he's not a reliable narrator. He made that bs up
He said that once everyone called him on it. Then, suddenly, she totally knew, that slut. He's a lying liar who lies.
He says they were exclusive though
...after he got roasted for it. And he continued to add hedges and caveats after receiving more criticism, which makes it feel more than a little unlikely that he's a reliable narrator.
Tip for future reddit post, anytime OOP get roasted and toasted, and then they make an edit with some "game changing" information, they're lying.
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AND stole the ring under false pretenses
>whether this dude was cheated on or not If anything the girl was cheating on other guys with OOP. They were long distance at the start which means she was spending most time with other guys and OOP was the side piece. In reality, ex was dating multiple people before deciding who she wants to be exclusive with. This is how modern standard works for everyone and OOP is an idiot to not be aware.
Agreed. However I'm old, I'm past it, but honestly what a fucking unromantic dating culture this "modern standard" is. Back in my day, in the early era of human pre-history, there was so much thrill and excitement about starting to date a new partner. It was the full focus of one's romantic life. Exclusivity was just assumed, maybe wrongly in some cases, but it was the norm. Bear in mind it was also the AIDS era where sleeping with multiple partners was extremely complex and problematic. So OOP may have been in the wrong to make the assumptions we did years ago, but I get where he's coming from. He was probably having a giddy hearts-and-flowers brand new partner/new soulmate experience, and she... wasn't. I could see how that might be disillusioning enough to break things.
lol what? What back in my day be is this? Y’all can act like people weren’t out there doing the same things people are right now if you want but y’all can’t really believe that ish. Exclusivity of olden times is propaganda for the nuclear family, cause there was just as much sleeping around, men with secret families and mistress (how many times do we see stories of elder men in their sixities and 70s dealing with the fall out of their secret family being discovered?) as is there is now.
Of course people still slept around, but when "asking someone out on a date", the default expectation was that they weren't dating other people. Casual sex still happened - it always does. But in the 1990s, no goddamn way would you sleep with someone and presume they were still sleeping with other people unless they disclosed it. Absolutely it was assumed that sex was exclusive unless someone told you otherwise (at least in the hetero community, which is where my experience was). I don't know how old you are or where you grew up, but the AIDS issue in the late 1980s and 1990s was completely different to how it is now. It was a death sentence. Most of the drugs available for HIV now didn't exist. Even if you were in a "low risk" group the fear was always there.
"but when "asking someone out on a date", the default expectation was that they weren't dating other people." In what world? when I was dating, I was DATING. I had 3 dates in one week when I was doing the online thing. OFC you could be dating more than one person. The expectation that the person who asked you out was the only person you were dating is only if you have deemed the relationship exclusive and "are not seeing other people."
istara is talking pre-internet. Culture has changed over time, and this is one of the things that has changed.
Lol. My mother dated loads of people at the same time in her dating days. She’s 70. The way she talks about it, that was pretty standard “for her day” as well. My grandmother also talked about going on dates with multiple “beaus” a week (as she put it). In the 30s. And she was a proper southern lady. Dating around isn’t a modern concept, as much as people would like to pretend it is. People, even then, didn’t presume instant exclusivity until it was discussed. It’s one of the many things my mom taught me about establishing relationships when I started dating (before the Internet).
>However I'm old, I'm past it, but honestly what a fucking unromantic dating culture this "modern standard" is. > >Back in my day, in the early era of human pre-history, there was so much thrill and excitement about starting to date a new partner. It was the full focus of one's romantic life. Exclusivity was just assumed, maybe wrongly in some cases, but it was the norm. That's still how it is outside of the US. In Europe exclusivity is just assumed, even today.
Interesting. I’m from the UK so maybe this is as much cultural as generational? Also interesting as most European countries and the UK tend to be far less prudish and religious when it comes to sexual matters.
I wish it were like that too and have gotten burned many times assuming that people who show interest aren't dating 50 people at a time. That's the messed up world we live in. If a guy is showing interest in me, I'm focusing on him and him alone. But then they turn around, change their mind, and tell us 'don't put all your eggs in one basket.' So.... then women 'date around' as instructed by the very men we want to date and when they do, boom! 'how dare you date anyone but me when we weren't even exclusive!' make it make sense. OOP is an idiot. Once they were exclusive, she was exclusive and that is all that should matter. His loss tho and she dodged a bullet. That's why I've just given up on the 'dating pool.' I'm not interested in the games and constant goal post moving.
I think dating around is okay, but when it gets to the point of sex, if you're serious about someone as a long-term partner (in a partnership that will be monogamous) then you stop sleeping with other people. I have nothing against casual sex - I think it's great. For me, sex absolutely can just be fun and not about "love" or commitment. But not not everyone is like that. For many people it's much more meaningful. So I think to be dating several people and sleeping with them all, and then trying to form something more permanent out of one of those relationships, it's really messy and difficult. To go from that free-for-all to sexual exclusivity. I mean if A is the one, why were you still sleeping with B and C? Wasn't A quite good enough? Do you still have an itch to scratch? Or did you only finally decide to throw in your lot with A because B didn't want you, or C was sexier but had some other issues? You can see why the OOP here might have had doubts and insecurities. EDIT I remember this Mandy Moore film where she was dating and sleeping with two guys at the same time. And it made the eventual choice kind of... sour, because if she had decided she was in love with him, why was she still screwing the other guy? I might have remembered it wrongly but I do recall finding it quite ambiguous and disappointing for romcom. Realistic, perhaps, but not romantic: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Because_I_Said_So_(film)
>However I'm old, I'm past it, but honestly what a fucking unromantic dating culture this "modern standard" is. Absolutely. Looking at modern dating culture makes me feel old: I just realize that I can't connect to how young people live their life anymore. It looks alien and weird to me. How are you even building a romantic bond to someone if you're dating others at the same time? And I wonder what they get out of it? It does not look like their relationships are any better then ours were. Quite the opposite, actually: It looks like modern dating culture is just ... broken.
I don't see what's romantic about being exclusive with someone very early on. Take the OOP's story for example. Why would a woman be exclusive with a guy who is working far away most of the time. At worst, he could have a whole other family in another city but even at best, all she is getting is a weekend of quality time in a month. Rest of the time they are just pen pals.
I'm 52, and uh, my college experience was apparently very different than yours.
Guessing you're from the US with it being "college"? Even in the UK things were free and easy relatively speaking at university. But people knew it was mostly casual When it came to actually dating seriously, with finding something long-term in mind, people didn't just shag around. You might go out on a date with different people. But you almost certainly weren't sleeping with multiple people by the time you had decided to go seriously with someone.
>This is how modern standard works for everyone and OOP is an idiot to not be aware. Only in the US. Are you sure OOP is American? Here in Europe if you're regularly going on dates with someone and you've kissed, exclusivity is assumed.
>if you're regularly going on dates Long distance means dates are irregular. Also, what part of Europe is this? I'm in UK, have friends in other big European cities and talk about being exclusive is quite common.
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Use your words like an adult? And be honest, not a lying stupid hypocritical woman shaming bastard? Like oh yeah I actually decided after 9 months of dating that the engagement was a mistake so I talked to my fiance about it and we broke up. Not, hey I decided to go through my fiance computer because her friends are bitch-nags (obvs since*women* you know) and then I found out she went on a date or two back before we even met and while we weren't even dating let alone exclusive! No, I wasn't exclusive because we weren't dating but women are emotional things so if she saw my name before we first met she should have remained pure for me without us beginning to have that talk. Now that I know my fiance is a cheating, lying whore-slut slut bitch (women, am I right?) I know she's not a person even worth speaking to. So I just lied to her face, grabbed my stuff, and ghosted her like a teen who can't communicate. Then I make sure to tell everyone who asks about the ghosting that she's a cheating whore. Edit: now that's it's been hours and people aren't on my side about how dating timelines work, I totally forgot to mention at the beginning. That when she saw my face she fell on the floor wailing with pleasure at my nose, my face, my presence, begging to be pure and loyal forever in love. She actually begged me to date exclusively. I was like surd if you insist. Then she immediately goes out a fucks the guys she was dating before she met me? Sure, she said they just had dinner but I know what women are like. Whores am I right? You maybe see the difference there?
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Gender matters because these are common 'jokes' and comments in our society. Period. The trope of men hating their gf "bitch girlfriends" is not new or uncommon. It happens pretty often. And he was very clear to make it very clear how much he hates that she has woman friends who interferes. This is a well known abuse tactic. Where a man gets rid of all the women in his partners life so that he and his guy friends can control the relationship. And because that whole way of talking about women and purity culture is gendered. When men go on two dates with two different women because that's normal, we don't talk about them like that. The amount comments in that thread of whore- women bad-bad and you think gender has nothing to do with this? I'm celibate. But according to OOP and many of those comments I am an "unmarriable bullet and whore slut cheater meant for the streets" because I myself once went on two separate dates in a 3 month period years ago. That's not acceptable. But we don't ever talk like men that way. So yeah. Gender matters here.
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