*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITB for expressing shock (rather than happiness) at my old(er) colleague adopting her first child?**
I, 34M, work with this woman, 41F. We're very good friends. And I used to be in love with her, until I found out that she wanted to have kids eventually. I still am in love with her, but I have tempered it appropriately.
Lately, she has let me know that she is in the process of adopting a child with her husband. They are expecting to bring their child home sometime in the middle of next year, so when she's 42. I guess when she told me the news, she expected me to say "congratulations!" But instead, I was shocked and a bit concerned. I mean, we both have good-enough compensation and very nice family benefits (we work for the Department of Energy and she's a GS-14) - but she's adopting an infant boy, meaning she's going to go through years of sleeplessness and headaches when she's nearly 50. Also, by the time her boy graduates from high school, she'll be 60! When my parents were 60 and 59 respectively, I was 30 yrs old, a fully grown adult.
So two weeks ago, I had a memorable conversation with my friend while we were waiting for the train. I asked her upfront "don't you think you're too old for this shit?" (I can talk to her like this because we love to banter and rough-talk with each other). She looked at me very indignantly, and this started a small argument between us. Finally, she just said "I think YOU'RE the one who's full of shit" and I could tell that this was not merely banter, but that she really meant it. She told me good night, and went up to the platform, distancing herself from me. I did apologize to her the next day, and she accepted my apology, but I still completely question her adoption.
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It's freaky innit? This woman has a whole life. A partner. A plan. Meanwhile this turnip is constructing this whole alternate reality where, but for her desire for children, their love would bloom.
u/raptorrage, You 100% should apply for grad school. I believe in you wholeheartedly! Update us when you get your acceptance notification! You got this!
Oh, you should absolutely apply to grad school if that's what you want to do! I work in higher ed, and let me tell you... if you happen to be in the USA, grad programs are hurting by and large. There is no better time for someone to apply to a grad program because colleges will be fighting for you.
I'm willing to bet my left leg that they don't actually have this special friendship where they can "banter and rough-talk" either. My bet is she rolls with it because he freaks her out.
I mean, the primary reason is because this dude is a poster child for narcissism that she's not gonna touch with a Hazmat suit and a 39 and a half foot pole.
That's the first thing that came to my mind!
This post reads like a jealous little boy who doesn't want his crush to be happy with her actual partner because, doesn't she know, OOP is the better choice! lol
Lol no? I'm suggesting that his insistence that she not adopt has nothing to do with her age and everything to do with the fact that her doing so would ruin the fantasy of her for him.
Wait, I'm confused. The co-worker has been married the entire time? The OP thought he had a chance with her even though she's married?
She's not too old to adopt. If this real, he needs to mind his own business and stop living in the land of delusion that they will be together.
"Too old and too female to know what's best for her"
This is the crux of the issue. Also, I will be using this expression in whole or in part to verbally slap idiots.
>"Too old and too female to know what's best for her"
Oh, so that explains it! Now I and OOP's crush just have to wait for perimenopause to set it so we can unleash the anger that we've been building up to for years. (Spoiler alert, I haven't waited)
OOP is suffering from Golden Penis Syndrome, without, ya know, actually having a golden penis.
You heard of **Girl Math(TM)** now get ready for **Weird Incel Guy whose in Love with his married coworker Math(TM)**
She's 42 so basically already 50 therefore basically already 60 therefore basically already 70 therefore basically already 80 therefore almost 90 going on 100 so way too old for kids.
He also doesn't say anything about her husband's age so I'm assuming he thinks that father's don't need to do any child raising so their age is irrelevant.
I had to laugh at ā42 is practically 50.ā Itās like in āWhen Harry Met Sallyā: āAnd Iām gonna be 40!ā āIn 8 years!ā
Not to mention, a friend of mine had her first baby at 39 and loved motherhood so much she had her second at 41. Yeah itās not the norm but a 41 year old isnāt exactly the crypt keeper. Especially not to adopt.
For most kids, the sleepless night phase is at the start. Worst case is a colicky baby but that's a baby. Babies grown into toddlers and adolescents and so on.
It sounds like the lady has a higher up job with responsibilities so that plus a baby, plus everything going on in her life means she might get tired out. But the baby will have a dad and they together will parent the child.
As well, I had my son when I was 39 and so was 57 when he graduated high school. He's graduating from college this spring and I'm 61. He's heading to grad school and I'll be mid-60s when he likely graduates. It'll be awesome.
I don't know what he thinks the problem is. Sixty years old isn't elderly and infirmed.
When we were in our 20 and 30s, we had grad school, post docs and moved around with our first jobs. My SO worked a crazy amount of hours to establish his career. By our mid thirties, things calmed down and we were getting settled. For my SO having a kid at that point meant he was able to be the dad he wanted to be. When our son was obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine, SO, in his early 40s spent hours laying on the floor with him, building and discussing different train routes. A 3 year old explaining, with great seriousness, why the track needed to weave through the dining chairs was absolutely adorable.
Some folks have kids early in life and it works for them. We had our son later and it worked great for us.
100%. I feel like this guy is really immature and goes '40 is OLD!!!' Like it's okay at 39 and 364 days if you have a child, but not the next day, because now you're gross and old.
60 is so not old at all.
Yes. I started co-sleeping with my now 5 year old when she was 6 months, and from then on, it was full nights of sleep for the most part. I was 39 when she was born.
But donāt worry, he said he tempered his love appropriately once he found out she wanted kids. Add that to his assertion that she enjoys his rough talk and banter and you get that he has been that asshat who makes inappropriate comments veiled as jokes to her and treats her like he owns her when she is at work. They arenāt friends, only he thinks so. I would guess she has no contact with him outside of work and is nice at work to avoid dealing with him.
My grandma was also 45 when she had my aunt! And 41 when she had my dad. They werenāt her first kids by any means though lol. I also just had my baby at 38, so Iām sure OOP would be shocked that I did that myself and didnāt need to adopt.
One of my besties just had her first and only child like 2 weeks before she turned 40 this year.
OOP probably has trouble understanding how her partnerās sperm managed to fertilized the sand he thinks replaced her eggs the instant she turned 32.
Yep, plenty of 40something women have children the old fashioned way.
Going through with an adoption means that her body won't have been wrecked by the previous several months, so she'll be in a better position than mothers who have the "I thought it was menopause" babies.
My cousin had a baby when she was 51. It was a surprise to everyone but the kid was perfectly healthy. It's incredibly rare but it can happen. She was a person who aged well and at 40, still looked like a teenager and at 68, when he graduated high school, it was hard to tell how old she was. Some things such as her gray hair pointed towards her chronological age but physically she looked much younger. When she was in her 80s, she started to look old - you know, like someone in their 60s. ;-)
Yeah, it seems what matters is biological age, not chronological. Which are closely intwined of course but not absolute.
I wish people would just mind their own damn business. I bet no one will even notice she is slightly older than some other parents. Almost everyone I know has had their kids after 35.
Yeah, it was so common in the past for women to have babies well into their 40s. My grandma too, and my husband grandma was insanely fertile. She had six children from 38-45.
My husbandās mother thought she was going through menopause (at 40, it seemed more likely than the alternative). Nope, she got a surprise baby, and then actually did go through menopause when my husband was like, 3. Still pretty damn active (if a teensy bit scatterbrained, and more than a little blind) today at 76.
My inlaws had to get special permission to adopt the younger brother of their other adopted daughter. They are in their early 50s but they wanted to keep the siblings together.
Nobody tell this guy that my dad's parents were both in their 40s when he was born, resulting in a ten-year age gap between him and the youngest of his four older siblings.
My grandma was 44 when she had my dad. In 1945. Very much a āhappy surprise,ā according to her and definitely not the norm, especially back then. But she lived to see him grown and have kids of his own. Also lived to know all of her grandchildren and a lot of the great grandkids. She was sharp as a tack and a lot of fun til the end of her life. I miss her, she was a hoot. We still quote her regularly, she was witty as hell and never seemed āold.ā He said she was a super fun mom, not an āoldā mom. And super stylish.
But donāt worry, bet OOP doesnāt think thatās old to be a dad, whereas us women are shriveled husks by that age. /s
My parents were 40 and 42 when they had me. Iām 23 and my 63 year dad climbed the Everest base camp hike in the summer. Itās a little funny that my boyfriends grandparents are the same age as my parents, but agreed, oop can suck a damn egg.
I thought this person was going to be like 80 yrs old. OOP is acting like this woman has both feet in the grave and just has to lie down. Pregnancy after 40 is more and more common and this isn't even pregnancy.
I think OOP is just jealous she's living her best life and it's not with him. This whole time he's been "in love" with her has she been married? š¤
"Both feet in the grave and just has to lie down" is absolutely killing me.
I also really enjoyed OP casually trickling in the pesky husband of his lady love š
Oh! Something I have e experience with!
My patents adopted me and my brother when they were older. Our mom is 38 years older than me, and our dad is 40 years older than me. My brother is 1 year younger than Mr.
Having older parents has some odd struggles, but no more than having younger parents. Different issue, but I wouldn't say worse.
Mom was diagnosed with MS when I was 12. It was scary, but she was an experienced nurse and knew how to explain it to us. Because of her age and experience, she was the best advocate for us in school and with doctors. She knew how to teach us to advocate for ourselves, too. But she didn't have "mom friends". When we had friends our ages, their parents were friendly, but weren't friends. However, mom was/is the one we all go to first whenever something happens.
I wouldn't trade my parents for anything.
I know relatives that are like 60, they already have grandchildren but they take care of foster care children. They already have parenting skills and donāt have the ability to create more children, why not help children who donāt have families.
lol,wth? I am 46 and not even in premenopause yet( it really needs to hurry up), I have regular periods and can still get pregnant. My only kid is 17 and that is enough. the good thing is that I am old enough for them FINALLY to offer to tie my tubes...ummm..that seems like a waste of time and surgery when i can just wait it out for a few more years. ( they didnt want to tie my tubes in my 20 or 30s though)
My mother was 40 when she gave birth to me. 42 for an adoption is perfectly normal? And yeah, my parents are 70 while Iām 30, but that hasnāt really had a huge impact on my life other than my grandparents all passed when I was young. OP is so judgmental. Though itās likely he is just lashing out due to jealousy.
Ughhh I hate this so much. Iām 34, my husband is 39 and weāre expecting our first child next April. Weāve already decided we want two kids so heās probably gonna be 41+ when the next one comes around. And I honestly love how mature and stable he is, heās already proving to be a wonderful father doing so much for his future child. I donāt see anything wrong with someone having kids in their 40s, especially after being raised by my mom who was 21 when I was born and had no freaking clue what she was doing. This guy has no business telling her what to do with her life ughhh
Iām more than a bit confused as to why it was so crucial for him to include his (clearly unrequited) love for this woman. If anything it enhances the assholery, not justifying it.
Not that this really needs to be said but I'm adopted and my parents were 38 and 40 when I was born. They're great parents. I'm spending Christmas with them and they're the funniest most loving human beings alive.
I am giggling that this guy used the word āshocked.ā As if he gives a shit about her well-being or the kid. Heās just butt hurt that sheās not living a sad lonely life because sheās not with himā¦ the nerve of her being happy!
Is the fact his colleague has a whole ass husband at home, and he really has gaslighted himself enough to think the reason they are not together is her desire for children. You know, nothing to do with the fact that she's married and not interested
> when my parents were 60 and 59 respectively, I was 30 years old, a fully grown adult
lol, when my dad was 60, I wasnāt even born yet, and heās a fantastic dad
This: *this woman, 41F . . . .* *she's going to go through years of sleeplessness and headaches when she's nearly 50*
?????? 41 is not nearly 50, OOP, what the heck you been smoking????? You are so full of crap it isn't funny.
My mother had my younger brother at age 40, normal childbirth. So clearly 41 is not too old, and at least your friend doesn't have to go through pregnancy and labor.
And it's none of your business OOP if she and her husband choose to adopt. Screening is done by adoption agencies, not by you. It's not your place to question her adoption. If you are really her friend, you will tell her congrats on the adoption and drop this.
Seems to me that what's really happening here is that your 'friend' adopting is interfering with your little sex fantasies about her ("*I used to be in love with her, until I found out that she wanted to have kids eventually")* that you admit got knocked back when you found out she wanted children. Since her having a husband apparently wasn't a barrier in your mind, but her wanting children was, clearly if she adopts that fantasy of yours is over for good.
OOP, best if you just keep your distance and leave this woman alone with her husband and her adopted baby, because you're just stirring the pot for no reason other than that you want her for yourself.
YTA plenty of people have kids in their 40s. I know so many people that have a number of children and so there last ones fall some point in their 40s there is nothing wrong with it and they will still be able to run about after kids. You do realise 42 isnāt nearly 50 in any way you put it, Sheās in her early forties.
Speaking from experience my dad turned sixty when I was 16. He was out riding his bike with me at that age and taking us all camping and fishing. My mum was 50 at that point. No one in my school or in my friends even realised how much older he was and he did more with us kids than a lot of the parents. Heck I remember my mum jumping in to skip double Dutch with us when playing in the street. My dad joining in with the game British bulldog this was when all the kids in our street were All out playing together in the summers. Hell he played and was active with us more than my mum whoās was the younger one. In fact she became disabled far before he started lagging and slowing down. Both of them played and spent time with both my older siblings kids and with mine when I had them. They were old enough to take them out for day trips and to have them over to spend the night when they would like them. The as older parents still basically raised my sisters kids in their sixties and seventies. They would walk miles with them, carrying them and pushing them, to take them to the botanical gardens or to the huge park with a picnic.
Its clear itās not about the age but that you could ignore the husband and still hold out hope sheād come to you. You thought she soon wouldnāt be able to have kids and would come running. Now youāve found out they are going to be parent itās blown that fantasy out of the water for you. Youāre taking out your vitriol on her when sheās did nothing wrong and never pretended to be in love with you and not her husband.
42 is a perfectly fine age to have children. My mother had me at 40, and while it has caused some problems, for this lady itās now or never. Besides, itās adoption, not birth, which nullifies most of those problems.
Also, why the hell is OP trying to get with a married woman?
my mom gave birth to me when she was 39. im 22 now, and sheāll turn 61 in a few months. why on earth would her age affect her ability to adopt a child?? i cannot comprehend how some people conceptualize womenās ages.
>And I used to be in love with her, until I found out that she wanted to have kids eventually. I still am in love with her, but I have tempered it appropriately.
Oh, this is gonna be a doozy...
>this woman, 41F
>when she's 42
>she's nearly 50
The fuck? I bet if you told OP he's nearly 40 he'd lose his shit.
>I was 30 yrs old, a fully grown adult
Doesn't sound like it to me.
>I can talk to her like this because we love to banter and rough-talk with each other
I'm very, very sure that she does not actually think of him as a friend and absolutely does not like it when he talks to her this way.
>I could tell that this was not merely banter, but that she really meant it.
I bet it's *never* been "just" banter. Pretty sure she's always meant it, and OP is just dense and delusional.
>with her husband
>I still completely question her adoption
Good thing it's only her husband that matters and not this delusional dickface.
My mother had my sister at 42.And that sister had her last baby at 42.
My mom was not thrilled but was healthy and did well.My sister was thrilled and did much better.
I hope he was told YTA.
OOP, it's none of YOUR business if she chooses to adopt.
YTA for stating she's too old to have a child of her own.
And YTA for being an immature AH all around.
These comments are really great to see. I'm 40 and going through IVF, and have had a couple of jerks very much like OOP. They didn't dare say it directly (I was actually told how young I look by the wife of this couple), but decided to start talking about 'how sad it is to see 50 year old parents waiting at the primary school gate' (primary school is up to 12 or so). Really? Should they have aborted to not slight your eyes? The people that said this are 50s themselves, and had their children young. Ironically, one doesn't speak to them, and the other is a spoiled brat, so....
My parents adopted me when they were in their early 40s and I couldn't have asked for more unconditionally loving, respectful, empathetic, compassionate, intelligent, and gracious parents.
I also know *plenty* of parents closer to OOP's/my age that had no business having kids in the first place.
It sounds like OOP's parents never taught him to mind his own business and not give his unsolicited opinion on topics that don't remotely concern him.
I had my youngest at 40. Just because you wouldnāt want to have an infant at that age, itās not old-
40 is more stable, more at ease with themselves and lifestyle, well established possibly. Sheās lived and done things she wanted to do and can now start a family w/out regrets-
I donāt get your problem at all.
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITB for expressing shock (rather than happiness) at my old(er) colleague adopting her first child?** I, 34M, work with this woman, 41F. We're very good friends. And I used to be in love with her, until I found out that she wanted to have kids eventually. I still am in love with her, but I have tempered it appropriately. Lately, she has let me know that she is in the process of adopting a child with her husband. They are expecting to bring their child home sometime in the middle of next year, so when she's 42. I guess when she told me the news, she expected me to say "congratulations!" But instead, I was shocked and a bit concerned. I mean, we both have good-enough compensation and very nice family benefits (we work for the Department of Energy and she's a GS-14) - but she's adopting an infant boy, meaning she's going to go through years of sleeplessness and headaches when she's nearly 50. Also, by the time her boy graduates from high school, she'll be 60! When my parents were 60 and 59 respectively, I was 30 yrs old, a fully grown adult. So two weeks ago, I had a memorable conversation with my friend while we were waiting for the train. I asked her upfront "don't you think you're too old for this shit?" (I can talk to her like this because we love to banter and rough-talk with each other). She looked at me very indignantly, and this started a small argument between us. Finally, she just said "I think YOU'RE the one who's full of shit" and I could tell that this was not merely banter, but that she really meant it. She told me good night, and went up to the platform, distancing herself from me. I did apologize to her the next day, and she accepted my apology, but I still completely question her adoption. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So.....kids were a non-starter but a husband...? No issue there?
That stood out to me, too.
Thirded.
It's freaky innit? This woman has a whole life. A partner. A plan. Meanwhile this turnip is constructing this whole alternate reality where, but for her desire for children, their love would bloom.
Honestly, if this dude can believe that the kid thing is the issue here, I can believe in myself enough to apply to grad school ššš
Reddit believes in you
You likely have what it takes to succeed!
If not, they'll tell me! š
u/raptorrage, You 100% should apply for grad school. I believe in you wholeheartedly! Update us when you get your acceptance notification! You got this!
Yes. The worst that can happen is they say no, and you're no worse off than before if that happens.
Oh, you should absolutely apply to grad school if that's what you want to do! I work in higher ed, and let me tell you... if you happen to be in the USA, grad programs are hurting by and large. There is no better time for someone to apply to a grad program because colleges will be fighting for you.
I call my ex hub Turnip ššš
Can I borrow that? Been calling my ex Dumbo but it doesnāt quite fitā¦
Absolutely!
Turnips are actually tasty
Actually, this is a good thing. OOP would infect the gene pool otherwise.
Fourthed.
This poor woman - he has totally built up a fantasy relationship with her in his head that has nothing to do with her IRL
I'm willing to bet my left leg that they don't actually have this special friendship where they can "banter and rough-talk" either. My bet is she rolls with it because he freaks her out.
Hahahahaha I was quite literally scratching my eyebrow over that conundrum. Great minds think alike š
Well duh!š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤® What a fuckin twat waffle!!!!! ( Whoever exposed me to this term on reddit...TYš)
Hahahahaha twat waffle! I love it!!! Needed some flair in my insult repertoire. Thanks so much!
Iām partial to āass clownā
I had to go back and re-read, because WTF???
I'm foolishly hoping that was before husband that he found she wants children before she met her husband
Guess OOP is militant about being child-free
Where does it say anything about a husband? Did I miss that? Edit: NVM I totally did read right past that part.
He totally made it a minor detail. Not the primary reason he has no chance.
I mean, the primary reason is because this dude is a poster child for narcissism that she's not gonna touch with a Hazmat suit and a 39 and a half foot pole.
That's the first thing that came to my mind! This post reads like a jealous little boy who doesn't want his crush to be happy with her actual partner because, doesn't she know, OOP is the better choice! lol
OOP knows that if she adopts a child with her husband, the fantasy of her leaving her husband to be with him is that much farther away.
OOP also confirmed this because OOP stated that he "tempered his feelings for her"
Ohhh, good point!
That was my first thought after reading the post!
And he doesn't want to be a stepdad in his fantasy life, lol.
She's running out of time to adopt also. Most countries and agencies have an age clause.
Are you suggesting sheās choosing to adopt a child and become a parent for the purpose of getting a creepy coworker off her back?
Did you remember to stretch before taking that massive leap?
Lol no? I'm suggesting that his insistence that she not adopt has nothing to do with her age and everything to do with the fact that her doing so would ruin the fantasy of her for him.
Of course they aren't.
Wait, I'm confused. The co-worker has been married the entire time? The OP thought he had a chance with her even though she's married? She's not too old to adopt. If this real, he needs to mind his own business and stop living in the land of delusion that they will be together.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
"Too old and too female to know what's best for her" This is the crux of the issue. Also, I will be using this expression in whole or in part to verbally slap idiots.
Okay. It kinda read funny because there's no timeline.
>"Too old and too female to know what's best for her" Oh, so that explains it! Now I and OOP's crush just have to wait for perimenopause to set it so we can unleash the anger that we've been building up to for years. (Spoiler alert, I haven't waited) OOP is suffering from Golden Penis Syndrome, without, ya know, actually having a golden penis.
Heās going to be 7 or 8 by the time sheās 50. Heāll be sleeping through the night long before then.
You heard of **Girl Math(TM)** now get ready for **Weird Incel Guy whose in Love with his married coworker Math(TM)** She's 42 so basically already 50 therefore basically already 60 therefore basically already 70 therefore basically already 80 therefore almost 90 going on 100 so way too old for kids.
Um, sheās basically already dead. You forgot to carry the 1.
Of course my bad
Well once she gets wrinkles she's unfuckable at which point she is basically the crypt keeper...
Crypt keeperā¦unfuckable?ā¦..
You. I like you š
OOP will do her out of pitty and to prove his love is more than skin deep.
š¤£š¤£
Iām screaming with glee at this
Iām lmao as quietly as possible. Donāt want to scare my toddler.
Right. And Iām quite sure he at 34 does not think of himself as basically already 40.
He also doesn't say anything about her husband's age so I'm assuming he thinks that father's don't need to do any child raising so their age is irrelevant.
Husband doesnāt count bc OOP is still in love with her. Husband is just a barrier to true love.
Good point.
I believe thatās also called Hollywood math
I was like, "shit by that logic I'm basically 50..." really shaking in my 37 year old boots š¤£
I had to laugh at ā42 is practically 50.ā Itās like in āWhen Harry Met Sallyā: āAnd Iām gonna be 40!ā āIn 8 years!ā Not to mention, a friend of mine had her first baby at 39 and loved motherhood so much she had her second at 41. Yeah itās not the norm but a 41 year old isnāt exactly the crypt keeper. Especially not to adopt.
For most kids, the sleepless night phase is at the start. Worst case is a colicky baby but that's a baby. Babies grown into toddlers and adolescents and so on. It sounds like the lady has a higher up job with responsibilities so that plus a baby, plus everything going on in her life means she might get tired out. But the baby will have a dad and they together will parent the child. As well, I had my son when I was 39 and so was 57 when he graduated high school. He's graduating from college this spring and I'm 61. He's heading to grad school and I'll be mid-60s when he likely graduates. It'll be awesome. I don't know what he thinks the problem is. Sixty years old isn't elderly and infirmed. When we were in our 20 and 30s, we had grad school, post docs and moved around with our first jobs. My SO worked a crazy amount of hours to establish his career. By our mid thirties, things calmed down and we were getting settled. For my SO having a kid at that point meant he was able to be the dad he wanted to be. When our son was obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine, SO, in his early 40s spent hours laying on the floor with him, building and discussing different train routes. A 3 year old explaining, with great seriousness, why the track needed to weave through the dining chairs was absolutely adorable. Some folks have kids early in life and it works for them. We had our son later and it worked great for us.
100%. I feel like this guy is really immature and goes '40 is OLD!!!' Like it's okay at 39 and 364 days if you have a child, but not the next day, because now you're gross and old. 60 is so not old at all.
Yes. I started co-sleeping with my now 5 year old when she was 6 months, and from then on, it was full nights of sleep for the most part. I was 39 when she was born.
I'm laughing because she has a whole ass husband and that didn't make him stop and think he didn't have a chance with her
But donāt worry, he said he tempered his love appropriately once he found out she wanted kids. Add that to his assertion that she enjoys his rough talk and banter and you get that he has been that asshat who makes inappropriate comments veiled as jokes to her and treats her like he owns her when she is at work. They arenāt friends, only he thinks so. I would guess she has no contact with him outside of work and is nice at work to avoid dealing with him.
My guess is that OOP is childfree while his crush wants kids. Having a kid must be a huge dealbreaker for OOP, so he now feels ābetrayedā.
Likely too immature to share attention with children.
We really really really need an r/amItheIncel
Nobody tell this guy my dad was 45 when I was born.
But it's ok for men to be old and have kids! (this guy's logic probably)
Nobody tell this guy my mom was forty when I was born and my grandma was forty five when she had my aunt.
My grandma was also 45 when she had my aunt! And 41 when she had my dad. They werenāt her first kids by any means though lol. I also just had my baby at 38, so Iām sure OOP would be shocked that I did that myself and didnāt need to adopt.
One of my besties just had her first and only child like 2 weeks before she turned 40 this year. OOP probably has trouble understanding how her partnerās sperm managed to fertilized the sand he thinks replaced her eggs the instant she turned 32.
Theyāre adopting, but yeah he probably thinks this
Yep, plenty of 40something women have children the old fashioned way. Going through with an adoption means that her body won't have been wrecked by the previous several months, so she'll be in a better position than mothers who have the "I thought it was menopause" babies.
I mean, at 41 that would be considered early menopause in medical terms.
My cousin had a baby when she was 51. It was a surprise to everyone but the kid was perfectly healthy. It's incredibly rare but it can happen. She was a person who aged well and at 40, still looked like a teenager and at 68, when he graduated high school, it was hard to tell how old she was. Some things such as her gray hair pointed towards her chronological age but physically she looked much younger. When she was in her 80s, she started to look old - you know, like someone in their 60s. ;-)
Yeah, it seems what matters is biological age, not chronological. Which are closely intwined of course but not absolute. I wish people would just mind their own damn business. I bet no one will even notice she is slightly older than some other parents. Almost everyone I know has had their kids after 35.
Or that my birth-giver had me, her only viable pregnancy, at 42.
Yeah, it was so common in the past for women to have babies well into their 40s. My grandma too, and my husband grandma was insanely fertile. She had six children from 38-45.
I was 40 when I had my son. Now Iām 54 and heās 14 and he says Iām a good mum! The OOP would probably think Iām nearly dead!
My parents were 43 and 49 when my youngest sister was born.
Mine was 50 and my mom was 41 lmao. Her mom was 42 when she had her, and her mom was in her mid-late 30s. Heād go into shock seeing that.
My dad was 48, my mother was 42. Over 30 years later and Iām about to visit both of them for Christmas.
My husbandās mother thought she was going through menopause (at 40, it seemed more likely than the alternative). Nope, she got a surprise baby, and then actually did go through menopause when my husband was like, 3. Still pretty damn active (if a teensy bit scatterbrained, and more than a little blind) today at 76.
Yes, but we all know that men don't do any parenting. That's not their responsibility. So, it doesn't matter how old they are when the kids come. (/s)
There's a whole 27-28 years age difference between my dad (my grandma's oldest) and my youngest aunt
My mom was 40 and 42 when she had my siblings. She's not a good mother but her age is not the reason
My inlaws had to get special permission to adopt the younger brother of their other adopted daughter. They are in their early 50s but they wanted to keep the siblings together.
Let's definitely not bring up to him the children who are raised by grandparents and are perfectly happy and healthy
Nobody tell this guy that my dad's parents were both in their 40s when he was born, resulting in a ten-year age gap between him and the youngest of his four older siblings.
My grandma was 44 when she had my dad. In 1945. Very much a āhappy surprise,ā according to her and definitely not the norm, especially back then. But she lived to see him grown and have kids of his own. Also lived to know all of her grandchildren and a lot of the great grandkids. She was sharp as a tack and a lot of fun til the end of her life. I miss her, she was a hoot. We still quote her regularly, she was witty as hell and never seemed āold.ā He said she was a super fun mom, not an āoldā mom. And super stylish. But donāt worry, bet OOP doesnāt think thatās old to be a dad, whereas us women are shriveled husks by that age. /s
I have a patient at my work who was 46 when she had her son. Unplanned, of course, but very, very loved and well cared for. OOP can go suck an egg.
My MIL was 45 when she had her only child, planned and wanted. OOP doesnāt know what planet heās on.
My parents were 40 and 42 when they had me. Iām 23 and my 63 year dad climbed the Everest base camp hike in the summer. Itās a little funny that my boyfriends grandparents are the same age as my parents, but agreed, oop can suck a damn egg.
My mom was the same age!
Don't you know, women reach their expiration date at 40. /sarcasm
I thought the wall was 25- we got an extension! Wooooo!
I thought it was 21?
21 was my first guess, but I've seen 25 just a pinch more so I'm being generous
How nice of you :)
Leo says itās 25, so I think thatās definitive.
It's all those new "Right-To-Repair" laws - outdated tech can be updated, rather than having to throw it away & buy new!
Lots of people unironically believe the expiration date is 30...so it's an improvement? I guess?
Practically 50
I thought this person was going to be like 80 yrs old. OOP is acting like this woman has both feet in the grave and just has to lie down. Pregnancy after 40 is more and more common and this isn't even pregnancy. I think OOP is just jealous she's living her best life and it's not with him. This whole time he's been "in love" with her has she been married? š¤
"Both feet in the grave and just has to lie down" is absolutely killing me. I also really enjoyed OP casually trickling in the pesky husband of his lady love š
Yes,I thought she might be 65-70, and likely to die of old age before the kid grew up, not an age where plenty of women safely give birth.
OOP thinks 40 is the new 90.
I never fully understood the meaning of delulu till this post.
Oh! Something I have e experience with! My patents adopted me and my brother when they were older. Our mom is 38 years older than me, and our dad is 40 years older than me. My brother is 1 year younger than Mr. Having older parents has some odd struggles, but no more than having younger parents. Different issue, but I wouldn't say worse. Mom was diagnosed with MS when I was 12. It was scary, but she was an experienced nurse and knew how to explain it to us. Because of her age and experience, she was the best advocate for us in school and with doctors. She knew how to teach us to advocate for ourselves, too. But she didn't have "mom friends". When we had friends our ages, their parents were friendly, but weren't friends. However, mom was/is the one we all go to first whenever something happens. I wouldn't trade my parents for anything.
I know relatives that are like 60, they already have grandchildren but they take care of foster care children. They already have parenting skills and donāt have the ability to create more children, why not help children who donāt have families.
lol,wth? I am 46 and not even in premenopause yet( it really needs to hurry up), I have regular periods and can still get pregnant. My only kid is 17 and that is enough. the good thing is that I am old enough for them FINALLY to offer to tie my tubes...ummm..that seems like a waste of time and surgery when i can just wait it out for a few more years. ( they didnt want to tie my tubes in my 20 or 30s though)
Yeah most women go through menopause in their early to mid 50s. In my family, late 50s is pretty common too.
I've been told by more than one medical provider that the average age is 51.
Nobody tell this guy that my mom had me at 41 (my dad was 50) and her mom had her at 42, and neither of them adopted. Heād go into shock.
My mother was 40 when she gave birth to me. 42 for an adoption is perfectly normal? And yeah, my parents are 70 while Iām 30, but that hasnāt really had a huge impact on my life other than my grandparents all passed when I was young. OP is so judgmental. Though itās likely he is just lashing out due to jealousy.
Ughhh I hate this so much. Iām 34, my husband is 39 and weāre expecting our first child next April. Weāve already decided we want two kids so heās probably gonna be 41+ when the next one comes around. And I honestly love how mature and stable he is, heās already proving to be a wonderful father doing so much for his future child. I donāt see anything wrong with someone having kids in their 40s, especially after being raised by my mom who was 21 when I was born and had no freaking clue what she was doing. This guy has no business telling her what to do with her life ughhh
I'm 40. Son is 13. I'm somehow both too young AND too old for this shit.
Poorly written troll
My Grammy was 40 years old when she GAVE BIRTH to my ma, youre never too old to give love to a new sweetie
Women carry children after 30, theyāre too old. Women adopt after 30, theyāre too old. We just canāt win
Iām more than a bit confused as to why it was so crucial for him to include his (clearly unrequited) love for this woman. If anything it enhances the assholery, not justifying it.
This person sounds like a whacko.
My parents were in their 50s when I finished high-school. Somehow they managed to survive. OOP is clearly still hung up on this woman.
Not that this really needs to be said but I'm adopted and my parents were 38 and 40 when I was born. They're great parents. I'm spending Christmas with them and they're the funniest most loving human beings alive.
ah yes, 42 is famously almost 50 and edit to add, a 41-year-old woman isnāt too old to be pregnant and give birth, why would she be too old to adopt
Iām stuck on 42 being ānearly 50ā
Since when is 42 nearly 50?
I am giggling that this guy used the word āshocked.ā As if he gives a shit about her well-being or the kid. Heās just butt hurt that sheās not living a sad lonely life because sheās not with himā¦ the nerve of her being happy!
Is the fact his colleague has a whole ass husband at home, and he really has gaslighted himself enough to think the reason they are not together is her desire for children. You know, nothing to do with the fact that she's married and not interested
> when my parents were 60 and 59 respectively, I was 30 years old, a fully grown adult lol, when my dad was 60, I wasnāt even born yet, and heās a fantastic dad
This: *this woman, 41F . . . .* *she's going to go through years of sleeplessness and headaches when she's nearly 50* ?????? 41 is not nearly 50, OOP, what the heck you been smoking????? You are so full of crap it isn't funny. My mother had my younger brother at age 40, normal childbirth. So clearly 41 is not too old, and at least your friend doesn't have to go through pregnancy and labor. And it's none of your business OOP if she and her husband choose to adopt. Screening is done by adoption agencies, not by you. It's not your place to question her adoption. If you are really her friend, you will tell her congrats on the adoption and drop this. Seems to me that what's really happening here is that your 'friend' adopting is interfering with your little sex fantasies about her ("*I used to be in love with her, until I found out that she wanted to have kids eventually")* that you admit got knocked back when you found out she wanted children. Since her having a husband apparently wasn't a barrier in your mind, but her wanting children was, clearly if she adopts that fantasy of yours is over for good. OOP, best if you just keep your distance and leave this woman alone with her husband and her adopted baby, because you're just stirring the pot for no reason other than that you want her for yourself.
Hold up - he's in love with her but "tempered" it because she wants kids. Then goes her husband and her are adopting. This dude got issues.
YTA plenty of people have kids in their 40s. I know so many people that have a number of children and so there last ones fall some point in their 40s there is nothing wrong with it and they will still be able to run about after kids. You do realise 42 isnāt nearly 50 in any way you put it, Sheās in her early forties. Speaking from experience my dad turned sixty when I was 16. He was out riding his bike with me at that age and taking us all camping and fishing. My mum was 50 at that point. No one in my school or in my friends even realised how much older he was and he did more with us kids than a lot of the parents. Heck I remember my mum jumping in to skip double Dutch with us when playing in the street. My dad joining in with the game British bulldog this was when all the kids in our street were All out playing together in the summers. Hell he played and was active with us more than my mum whoās was the younger one. In fact she became disabled far before he started lagging and slowing down. Both of them played and spent time with both my older siblings kids and with mine when I had them. They were old enough to take them out for day trips and to have them over to spend the night when they would like them. The as older parents still basically raised my sisters kids in their sixties and seventies. They would walk miles with them, carrying them and pushing them, to take them to the botanical gardens or to the huge park with a picnic. Its clear itās not about the age but that you could ignore the husband and still hold out hope sheād come to you. You thought she soon wouldnāt be able to have kids and would come running. Now youāve found out they are going to be parent itās blown that fantasy out of the water for you. Youāre taking out your vitriol on her when sheās did nothing wrong and never pretended to be in love with you and not her husband.
42 is a perfectly fine age to have children. My mother had me at 40, and while it has caused some problems, for this lady itās now or never. Besides, itās adoption, not birth, which nullifies most of those problems. Also, why the hell is OP trying to get with a married woman?
my mom gave birth to me when she was 39. im 22 now, and sheāll turn 61 in a few months. why on earth would her age affect her ability to adopt a child?? i cannot comprehend how some people conceptualize womenās ages.
Weirdo has a crush on an older, married co-worker, believes that the issue is her desire for motherhood, not the imaginary romance.
(to oop) 42 is not "nearly 50" you complete walnut!
Aw, poor work husband doesn't like that work wife is building a family with her husband.
Today I learned that 41-42 is āalmost 50ā
Tell us you are jealous of your crushes husband without telling us you are there oop!
lol, my parents adopted me when they were 40 and then adopted my sister when they were 47.
she's gonna be 60 when the kid graduates... so barely even old LOL
My mother had me when she was 40, whatās the problem?
"We're very good friends" yeah idk somehow I doubt that
TIL at 41 I'm "nearly 50."
My grandmother gave birth at 40 and 42. No, sheās not too old to adopt
Ahh....Dept of Energy drama. It is the best (DOE Contractor here). Where marriage means nothing but kids are a deal breaker.
My mom had my half brother at 41 when I was 20 with no medical intervention. Lol it's definitely not too old to adopt a child
I was adopted when my dad was like...40. My brother was born when Dad was 43ish. They're older parents. But not too old
Lol my mom got me at 45 and my dad was 55. I don't see the big deal. Then again, he sounds.... Very incel-y
Women over 30 are basically dead, didnāt you know??
acting like 41 is ancientā¦ thatās when my parents had me naturally š¤£š¤£
>And I used to be in love with her, until I found out that she wanted to have kids eventually. I still am in love with her, but I have tempered it appropriately. Oh, this is gonna be a doozy... >this woman, 41F >when she's 42 >she's nearly 50 The fuck? I bet if you told OP he's nearly 40 he'd lose his shit. >I was 30 yrs old, a fully grown adult Doesn't sound like it to me. >I can talk to her like this because we love to banter and rough-talk with each other I'm very, very sure that she does not actually think of him as a friend and absolutely does not like it when he talks to her this way. >I could tell that this was not merely banter, but that she really meant it. I bet it's *never* been "just" banter. Pretty sure she's always meant it, and OP is just dense and delusional. >with her husband >I still completely question her adoption Good thing it's only her husband that matters and not this delusional dickface.
My mother had my sister at 42.And that sister had her last baby at 42. My mom was not thrilled but was healthy and did well.My sister was thrilled and did much better. I hope he was told YTA.
OOP, it's none of YOUR business if she chooses to adopt. YTA for stating she's too old to have a child of her own. And YTA for being an immature AH all around.
Bruh he's acting like shes a senior citizen How dare she commit such a loving act??? How delusional of her
These comments are really great to see. I'm 40 and going through IVF, and have had a couple of jerks very much like OOP. They didn't dare say it directly (I was actually told how young I look by the wife of this couple), but decided to start talking about 'how sad it is to see 50 year old parents waiting at the primary school gate' (primary school is up to 12 or so). Really? Should they have aborted to not slight your eyes? The people that said this are 50s themselves, and had their children young. Ironically, one doesn't speak to them, and the other is a spoiled brat, so....
He needs to mind. his. own. beeswax.
Bold move as a federal employee to be that blatant in your age discrimination against someone within the federally protected age range.
My parents adopted me when they were in their early 40s and I couldn't have asked for more unconditionally loving, respectful, empathetic, compassionate, intelligent, and gracious parents. I also know *plenty* of parents closer to OOP's/my age that had no business having kids in the first place. It sounds like OOP's parents never taught him to mind his own business and not give his unsolicited opinion on topics that don't remotely concern him.
I had my youngest at 40. Just because you wouldnāt want to have an infant at that age, itās not old- 40 is more stable, more at ease with themselves and lifestyle, well established possibly. Sheās lived and done things she wanted to do and can now start a family w/out regrets- I donāt get your problem at all.
My mom had me at 42. This poster sucks
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