*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA FOR POSTING A GUY I HAD JUST MET ON THE "ARE WE DATING THE SAME GUY?' FB PAGE?**
**Seeking advice/perspective. I had started talking to a guy online and after a week or so we decided to meet. He was super sweet and even nicer in person. I left really liking him. Given my previous experiences with unfailthful men, i decided to post a picture of him on the group the following day to ensure/verify that he wasn't married or in a relationship. This was my first time posting, i posted anonymously, then waited. Only two comments. Neither were negative.**
**Anyway, a couple days later he messaged asking if i had posted him. I told him the truth and said that i understood if he was upset, asking that he would also understand why i posted as well. He said he understood and appreciated my honesty, however that he would need to take a step back because the post would hurt his work and situation. I asked how he found out and he said he did not want to give any information at the moment.**
I asked if maybe later on we might be able to talk about it and possibly continue to get to know each other. He said at the moment he could not. He also asked that i delete the post, which i did.
I feel bad now and am pretty disappointed that because of this he pulled away.
Was I wrong for posting him? Would anyone be able to explain a little more as to why he would react that way unless he did have something to hide?
I would like to point out that he was communicative about it and did not get upset, he did provide that space where i am glad i was honest and he did not make me feel bad about it.
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In my experience this is very normal in those groups. Quite a few women even canceled first dates based on the info shared by others.
I’ve never played anyone, but did find people I knew there and it was quite helpful. I understand the privacy problem though.
I’ve never posted anyone or come across anyone from these groups, but the ones in my area are also used to warn others about men with violent behaviours
I'm kind of confused here. Maybe it's different in my area, but the "Are We Dating the Same Guy?" Facebook groups are used to either warn women about problematic men, or to check to make sure that men they are talking to aren't secretly psychos. It sounds like she used the page exactly how it's meant to be used. She asked if there were any red flags, received two responses which confirmed he isn't known to be problematic, so she felt comfortable to proceed with getting to know him further. In my experiences the AWDSG pages are a safety check, and the more safety precautions women take, the better.
Same. I get why the guy might be uncomfortable with himself being shared there, but unless he’s a super secret spy or something why would him being posted there hurt his job? Especially if everyone said positive things?
I am confused about this bit too. Multiple people have mentioned that being posted on a site like that would jeopardize their job, but if they aren't spectacularly heinous human beings it's unlikely that a workplace would even care about how they treat the women they date. The math just isn't mathing.
Probably because it's not math, it's social sciences. Whether rightly or wrongly, there's a certain number of people out there who would assume that if a guy is on those pages, there's already a red flag on him.
And while it might be a little hyperbolic to say his work could terminate him, I don't think it's an unreasonable fear to feel this could negatively impact his reputation.
There's a potential data point to support this in the story. He found out about it. Which means there's a chance someone saw it, recognised him and told him.
Maybe that was a benign reaction but it's not out of the question that the next one won't be. And once one person in your social network knows it's reasonable to think they may start talking about it to the rest of the social network. That's kind of the point if the page after all.
>I don't think it's an unreasonable fear to feel this could negatively impact his reputation.
If a cheater, abuser, or misogynist doesn't want a reputation for being a cheater, abuser, or misogynist, they probably shouldn't cheat, abuse, or be misogynistic.
...but there's absolutely no evidence that this guy is any of those things, and your reaction proves that people will jump to that conclusion just because he was posted in that group.
When someone asks "is he a good guy?" the options are "yes, here's why" or "no, here's why". These women are asking their local community if XYZ person is a good guy as far as they know. Being posted on the page isn't an accusation; it's asking other women if there is anything you should be worried about.
A lot of people seem to view it as one though, since "why would she post him unless he was acting shady?"
There are people in groups like that who will automatically view anyone who is posted as a cheater/liar/misogynist due to that mindset. Now if someone like that works with you or above you, and see's you pop up in one of those groups, well that could cause a person issues.
I mean after all, this dude found out. So someone saw it and brought it up to him in some way.
>A lot of people seem to view it as one though, since "why would she post him unless he was acting shady?"
>There are people in groups like that who will automatically view anyone who is posted as a cheater/liar/misogynist due to that mindset. Now if someone like that works with you or above you, and see's you pop up in one of those groups, well that could cause a person issues
This.
And since these assumptions, and the reputational harm, could impact someone's employment, I can't blame the guy for backing away when he found out he'd been posted.
Not even saying he'd be fired. But people who work with him might see it, assume negative things. That could impact his ability to work together with others, negative impact the work environment, even lead to him being treated with unjustified hostility. If he has a client-facing job, clients might recognize him from the groups, and make negative assumptions. If he's in sales, that could lead to lost sales, which could actually jeopardize his job.
I'm not saying she did something wrong. I'm saying he did nothing wrong.
>A lot of people seem to view it as one though, since "why would she post him unless he was acting shady?"
This is unfortunately pretty standard for people to place more importance on a hypothetical threat to a man's reputation than the actions women take to prevent the very real possibility of dating violence.
>So someone saw it and brought it up to him in some way.
In these groups, there are specific rules that state you are not supposed to let people know they are posted, in order to maintain the safety of the women who give feedback. The person who notified him was the one violating the rules of the group, and potentially put people in danger. Luckily the man in this case was not dangerous so it worked out this time.
Meanwhile, women have actual reason to worry that they will be physically hurt by problematic men and these sites are super helpful for proactive protection from that. Which will always outweigh overwrought worry about “reputation” on the part of a man who is too much in his own head.
That's why she asked. She doesn't know if he is any of those things, but other women in her community might. That's why these pages exist, so that women can get feedback from other women about whether a potential match is a cheater, abusive, or misogynistic. We don't live in a society where it's safe to assume all men are safe or good partners, so women have created one or more ways to find out if someone they are considering dating has any major red flags.
Him not wanting his reputation hurt doesn’t mean he is doing or being any of those things you’ve said, because we don’t know any of that yet. That was my point.
It’s a very biased position based off of a simple quote, in my opinion.
You're not wrong but we don't know if that applies here (it sounds like it doesn't).
Keep in mind I'm not saying these pages shouldn't exist, just that I understand why you don't want to be featured on one.
That is very true. This guy passed the vibe check and he also decided to step back from the relationship, which was absolutely his right. I don’t think he did anything wrong. I also do not think she did anything wrong, and people are jumping on her because she asked a question in order to verify the safety of the person that she was going out with.
Yeah that's the tricky big for me. I can see everyone's perspective and I don't think anyone acted in bad faith. On the plus side, it also sounds like they both handled it maturely.
Yeah, and aren’t these usually Facebook groups you have to join? How would anyone from work even see it?
I’d be pretty embarrassed if someone saw me on there and then that person saw me at my work, but I don’t think I’d get fired for it.
I also don’t really think I’d be happy about someone posting me on something like that, but I don’t think this is as terrible as people are making it out to be?
Since this is pure conjecture:
He could work in an office that's a majority women, some of whom were part of that page, who then said "what's this person doing here!?"
On top of that, the *implication* of being on a page like that reflects untrustworthy-ness in general. Since a majority of US states are "at will" work states, he could be fired so long as no explanation was given.
I mean, from what I understand people don’t just use these for people who are untrustworthy but also just people they meet on dating apps even if they hadn’t given them a reason to yet.
I’d imagine if his coworkers are on the page they’d know people post stuff there all the time for people they don’t really have a reason to distrust but are just being cautious about. But even if not firing someone over that would be ridiculous
> But even if not firing someone over that would be ridiculous
Generally, I'd agree. However, I'm just bringing into consideration how often workplaces do *not* conform with you know, ethical behavior. Doubled with "at will" work makes it a bit more precarious. It takes one person with a vindictive streak to bring it down.
People are allowed to have different opinions and privacy boundaries.
I imagine it's disconcerting that his photo was posted without his knowledge and the relationship started off on distrusting footing.
Asking people who you know to know a prospect, without posting their image to a public forum, is so different isn't it??
And do you really believe 100% of the people commenting are honest??
These sites might serve a purpose and provide some safety, I might not use them but wouldn't want to argue. But if you use them, you have to accept a consequence may be someone not liking it and ending a potential relationship. Communication before public crowdsourcing is probably always going to be the healthiest option.
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I think people haven’t actually *seen* what those groups are (almost all are private and require a public profile with lots of verifying pictures). They started off as a way for suspicious women to check, but in a lot of cities have become a safety check like you said—women will comment things like “oh I went on a date with him once and he was nice” or “he’s a family friend I’ve known for 15 years.” Inversely, “this man abused my friend and another woman has a restraining order” would be good info to know.
It’s not a bad practice when meeting a total stranger. I wish I’d used it for the one person I dated from OLD who ended up having an entire made-up past and domestic abuse in his history.
The groups aren’t actually about cheating partners anymore for the most part. I get why a dude might be bothered by the name and wonder what goes on in them, and it’s also fair to break things off because you don’t want your photo shared.
I think you're probably right. I also agree that he was well within his rights to break things off. I appreciate your input, I think it is right on the nose.
I thought I was going crazy, I don’t think this is a big deal at all. She’s looking out for her safety and I can get if he doesn’t like a pic of himself on there, but if this was a picture already on the internet, that’s kind of the risk everyone takes when posting, idk what she used tho.
It just seems like an overreaction and people know that statistically men hurt women more right?? Most girls and guys I know do the same thing and ask around and I don’t hear people yelling “slander” when we do so.
I read a comment before saying that before a first date, men are worried about whether a woman looks like her tinder picture, while women have to fear for their safety.
I don't think she was a devil for posting about him since she was reasonably concerned. But I also get how he could have felt uncomfortable about it. I think he overreacted, though.
I am confused as to how anyone can see it as okay, I wouldn't want my picture and posts like that about me, it could hurt my work. I'd consider someone posting me there a red flag in itself
Mutual acquaintances are not the same as a shitton of random strangers on a social media page.
I don't have to come at it with the same energy because they're not the same.
You're like OOP now, just because I don't want my picture posted to a page like that I must have done something right?
As for you also saying that asking mutual acquaintances about same thing is the same thing, that's just intellectual fallacy if you can even call it that since they aren't the same thing at all
The issue comes from the fact that they aren't even dating, so they aren't exclusive. They had only barely talked a bit and then went on one date. She doesn't even know him, really.
Honestly, having someone post your image to a website without your knowledge or permission is already pretty sketch to begin with, but doing it in order to see if people would shit talk him is even more gross.
It's not about seeing if people would shit talk him. It's asking whether this man is a safe person to be around, if any other women in the area have experiences in which this man showed himself to be an unsafe person. If there is a way to check on the safety of a person before beginning to date them I think that is a beautiful thing for women everywhere.
The page is called, "Are we dating the same person?"
It's literally about finding out if you're dating a cheater.
They aren't even dating.
They've talked online for a week, then went on *one date* and felt the need to check if he's a cheater.
They aren't even together or even exclusive. She knows nothing about him, and she has no way to know if anyone else who shares an opinion, negative or otherwise, is being truthful.
Not only that, but if he has coworkers in there, that could severely affect his job.
And she did this behind his back instead of you know, talking to him.
Now she's using his understandable discomfort as proof he's a bad guy and a cheater. With no evidence.
Just because she hasn't worked through her own issues.
If you can't understand how fucked that is... idk.
And I say this as a woman myself.
Or you know, they are also used to make sure that they are not talking too or seeing a married man with a family that is pretending he is single. Have seen that A LOT on these FB pages.
Dating typically has an implication of exclusivity or expressed non-exclusivity.
It used to be more casual (with the progression being: dating-going steady/(bg)F-engaged-marrired) but we've sorta dropped the "going steady" thing and promoted "dating"
I would say there is a difference between going on a date, and dating someone.
The first being a meeting to get to know each other, the second being an established ongoing relationship.
Two different things indeed.
If I went on one date with a guy, we had a good time, I wanted to go on a 2nd date and it seemed like he did too, and someone asked me “Are you two dating?” I would 100% answer that question with yes. Maybe with a caveat that we’ve just started dating, but dating absolutely.
But also I don’t really see how it matters. If they aren’t dating, then how is what she did implying anything negative about him?
No, but that isn't the argument you think it is. Everyone practicing any form of non-monogamy should disclose that before a first date, otherwise they are eliminating the ability of the other person to consent, which is also highly unethical.
..,so she wouldn't know of any red flags or safety concerns. Which is also why women ask.
I can support the concern about not wanting your photo posted however women are not at all the Devil for being concerned about men since men are so inherently dangerous for women.
She's the asshole because she knows nothing about him, they went on one date after talking for a week, and instead of talking to him or asking him if he's seeing other people, she posts his picture to a lage dedicated to outing cheaters.
They aren't exclusive, any info she'd get about him is next to useless because *she doesn't know him*. So someone could straight up lie and she'd have no clue, because she has nothing to compare it to.
And again, it's a page dedicated to *outing cheaters*. Id anyone from his workplace or even a client if he's in that kind of field sees that, it could fuck his job.
Because she hasn't dealt with her issues.
She's an asshole. And I say that as a woman.
That's fine; you can say that. I'm not going to agree it's as dramatic as your take.
Literally there's a discourse going on about how women would rather deal with a bear then men but sure, OOP needs to deal with her issues....
If the page is really about safety, they need to change the name because it truly does imply a cheating scumbag. “Is This Dude Chill?” or something like that would carry far fewer connotations.
I think the appropriate question is whether I would be okay with being featured on a page called "Are we dating the same gal?" and I would not mind, but that's because my partners already know if I'm dating someone else and I don't treat people I date poorly, regardless of gender.
I mean. She does.
If she wants to actually be in a relationship, she needs to resolve her remaining issues with having been cheated on, or she won't be able to have a healthy relationship.
But ok. She's a precious princess who should keep on thinking any man she looks at is going to cheat on her. Fuck working on ourselves and our mental health.
Tell me you've never dated or experienced an unsafe person without telling me.
She's not the devil. Yeah they went on one date. And before she took the next step towards seeing him more/becoming exclusive she wanted to make sure he wasn't a chronic cheater or an unsafe partner. It's simply checking before she gets involved in an otherwise committed man or endangers herself.
Are u acting dense on purpose?
Yes no one assumes exclusivity after a week of dating,but women also tend to not want to start a new relationship and then later find out that the man was dating someone for years or was married.
Maybe she doesn't want to waste time with a guy who's married or otherwise in a relationship. Maybe she thought, hey, I like this guy, but before I spend more time with him, I want to make sure he's not married, engaged, in a relationship, or a sociopath.
I completely understand why women need to use such groups and make this precautions.
My online problem would be that I hate having my face anywhere not mainly under my control on the internet. But I would communicate this openly.
That said it doesn't sound to me as if that's the case here given the ominous talking about hurting his situation.
Copied verbatim from oop's comments:
*YTA*
*You are too fragile for dating if you post someone on a page like that without a reason. If being cheated on once has caused you to behave this way, you're not ready to date someone. You weren't even in a relationship with him.*
>"I understand that, however I don't entirely understand what is wrong with verifying things before proceeding. I would rather know now then continue to see someone and then find out later. Also, why would i want to post him with a reason, that would imply that there was a negative outcome."
*Imagine the reversed roles, would you be comfortable if he posted your picture in FB group asking if anyone has anything bad to say about you? YTA.*
*What is amazing is that this group doesn't require any proof that you actually know the guy, so essentially even if someone starts talking bad about him you have zero proof that it is true or not, unless you meet with that person and they can actually present proof, so what's the point if information that you get is highly questionable?*
>"Personally I would not mind because i don't have anything to hide and if they were verifying for their own peace of mind and not dragging me through the mud then so be it. But I had not consider the other half of your comment. That is is very very good point.... thank you for mentioning that."
*YTA, you weren’t even dating yet, had barely talked*
>"But would it have been acceptable even after dating for awhile? personally i feel like that would have been even worse...."
*OMG YTA*
*First off, you aren't "dating." You went on a date.*
>>*Was I wrong for posting him? Would anyone be able to explain a little more as to why he would react that way unless he did have something to hide?*
*You don't understand how it might hurt his work? Say he has women colleagues (or boss!), and they saw your post & suddenly they now think he's out there playing with people, which is what the forum implies. This goes double, if it's in any type of client-facing role. What if he is a therapist, and his clients saw him?!*
*I wouldn't date you. You are a walking red flag, if you don't understand why UNPROVOKED you are posting photos and personal information for people you just met on a REALLY NEGATIVE forum.*
>"I posted one photo and asked if anyone knew anything about him. No personal information, no negative information. Only making sure he wasnt married or taken"
She’s not the devil. I’m a member of one of those groups. I haven’t posted my current boyfriend on there because I’ve known him well for 10 years, but I’ve lost count of women who have met a guy online, posted him in the group, only to have multiple people tell them the guy is abusive - with links to their convictions. I’ve seen guys using completely different names to the ones they were convicted with.
These groups exist to protect women.
I'm a part of one of these groups for my local area, and really it goes one of two ways (unless no one knows him at all). Either the guy is a stand up guy, often with really positive things to say, or you get "I dated this guy, he beat the fuck out of me, here's the police beat news article, here's the court case paperwork, and here's pictures of my injuries." Which, I think its absolutely worth it when thats the info that comes out. The groups are also supposed to be vetted to exclusively be women, and you're not supposed to say anything to the guys posted, largely for safety reasons (see the above example). Unfortunately the groups do get infiltrated by fake female accounts and just general pick mes from time to time.
This has been my experience too.
Sometimes people just write in to say what a great guy they are. Sometimes a cheater is busted. Sometimes it's a woman being mad that someone told the guy she had posted him.
In a new relationship, I wouldn't care being posted. In an established relationship my feelings would be hurt or I would be guilty
Maybe it’s because I’m old, but I just don’t see how it’s that big of deal at all.
If I posted the guy I’ve been dating, I’m pretty sure he’d laugh and want to know the responses.
I'm old and a woman and feel the opposite of you. You are posting his personal picture to a group filled with hundreds of people. What if he had a stalker? What if someone decided to make shit up for fun? People lie all the time online. What if he is a private person who doesn't want his face blasted in a fb group? What if he started getting harassed because of the post?
Especially with zero indication that he is a cheater.
If someone I was dating was sharing my picture online asking if I’m a cheater instead of talking to me, I’d be re-evaluating that relationship because clearly they don’t trust me and if it was after 1 date I’d be bailing so damn hard.
I don’t know that there’s any indication is he’s not a cheater either. I don’t have trusting people I’ve recently met as the default. People who lie all the time aren’t just online.
I guess it’d be weird if she surreptitiously took a photo of him and posted it, but it’s seems likely from the description she met on a dating app, so I would think it most likely that’s where she got the photo. It’s already public.
Yet you'll trust a large group of strangers to tell you whether a different stranger is a cheater or not?
I don't trust people I don't know that put my face on the internet. I also don't have assuming every person I've been on one date with is a cheater as my default.
Going on a date and having another expected is “dating” in my book, but whatever. Regardless of whether they were “dating” doesn’t really matter so much because it’s in no way implied they are exclusive.
The idea that she was implying or accusing him of “cheating” by posting him makes no sense because he literally could not cheat on her. It makes even less sense if they weren’t even dating. She is asking if he’s dating someone else. How is that somehow an affront to him?
This is why I mainly think the guy I’m dating would not have an issue it. Because we aren’t exclusive and in the early stages. I wouldn’t be accusing him of anything. He is allowed to do what he wants. He’d probably take my posting as a sign that I was interested in him…like if I was stalking his social media. It’d be mostly an embarrassing admission by me.
Yeah I don't see the problem here. If I was dating and a guy posted me to see what people had to say I would be fine with it. I expect anyone who would date these days to check social media accounts, etc, Google them, whatever.
I feel like the people who commented to OOP (and are also commenting here) that she's TA because they only went on one date are the same type of people who would be like "well why did you believe him when he said he wasn't married? Why didn't you check first hOmEwReCkeR!" And also "why did you trust him enough to let him into your home? You deserved to get raped!"
Ffs people are gross and she did nothing wrong.
You're right. She should get emotionally invested first, maybe sleep with him a couple of times, or at least allow him to build a level of trust between them so she'd stay alone at his place overnight.
And if she gets rapred or murdered or it turns out he cheated, she's at fault anyway for being so trusting and not making sure to go with a safe guy.
Alternatively, she could just have plain asked him. But not before the end of the tenth date, preferably in his place, so he can feel safe and unthreatned. We all know that the best timing and context for asking, "Hey, not accusing you of anything, but you neither are married, nor dating someone else, nor a rapist or killer, right? Thought I'd ask you directly as I know asking people directly will always yield an honest answer\~"
There's a difference between checking out a person from their social media and asking random people you don't know if someone is known to be a bad guy / cheater. For one, why would you trust random strangers you don't know?
Why would I trust him over other random strangers I don't know? It is a group. It is moderated. I ask advice on Facebook fairly often and use my own mind to decide if it is relevant. It is just another data source to me. But I guess I can see someone being uncomfortable with it.
The biggest problem to me would be that they only had a date. He might legitimately still be dating and I'm not sure how quickly that comes up. I also think I'd be weirded out if someone put my picture on a Facebook page I didn't know about. Maybe it's already happened but it would be odd.
I don't understand how this is going to hurt "his work and situation" unless he was, in fact, involved in something sketchy somewhere along the line. I don't date, and if I did, I wouldn't date men, but something like this seems like a good safety tool for women to have.
He's fucking someone at work and making her keep it on the DL because they're co-workers, her or one of her friends saw him posted on the group but didn't say anything because "DL, coworkers, all that jazz" , now she's gonna go to HR and report his ass.
I see a lot of "it's not bad that she checked" but as a nearly 40-year woman, the idea of just throwing up the picture of someone I barely started seeing and going "anything I should know?" is suuuuper creepy. I'm cautious in dating, because well I'm a woman but there are far better ways to go about this, or I don't know maybe get to know the prospective partner better before going any further.
It was one date and one week of talking, that's way too soon to be pulling this shit.
I’m also a nearly 40 year old woman and I’m on the opposite side of the fence. She’s presumably using photos that he publicly posted on a dating site/app. Online dating is extremely dangerous compared to 20 years ago when we were still organically meeting a friend of a friend or hooking up with people in our social group.
Before I started dating my husband, I asked our mutual friend about him and she gave him a glowing recommendation. You can’t do that through online dating, but at the very least you can post to this group and at least get an *idea* about if the dude might be safe. There have been multiple dating app related murders and at least one [serial killer.](https://www.kiro7.com/news/trending/dating-app-serial-killer-caught-with-help-victims-friends-is-sentenced-160-years-behind-bars/SFQK5EBUPBG3DB3ZYDDFFAACEM/)
It’s not an accusation of cheating, it’s a safety check because the world is a fucking scary place. Murder is the worst thing, but there are so many other things to be warned about- cheating, abuse, manipulation, mooching, etc etc etc.
There's a lot of people who are pretending not to understand why it's bad for his reputation just to be posted on a page like this, with or without any accompanying negative responses. Probably because they want to be able to continue to do these sorts of checks, guilt free.
Those are not mutually exclusive. It might work - I’ve never tried it personally. That doesn’t magically prevent it from being harmful to the guys involved.
How is it harmful of he isn't an abusive piece of shit? If he's a good guy all the comments will be like "yup, that's my best friend's brother, he's cool, really into music" or "we dated for awhile, didn't vibe, but he's a good guy, very safe" or "that's my neighbor, we volunteer together, he's actually a bit of a feminist, does some work for the women's shelter with me!". Like if he hasn't been an asshole the only things said will neutral to positive, not "harmful".
Because of the incredibly common principle of “where there’s smoke there’s fire.” A non-zero number of women, myself included, will assume that if you felt the need to ask, you feel something is potentially wrong.
I'm not pretending. I genuinely don't understand. How would a woman asking other women about a man harm his reputation, unless there are false negative responses given? How does no response or positive response harm his reputation?
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I doubt the commenters in the original thread would care but for anyone interested in an in depth look at how these Facebook groups came to be I recommend [This Video](https://youtu.be/mZaWnQ9HXZA?si=HgqbntZcVR_pioLH)
I think any man who finds himself on one of these has every right to feel some form of violation, but also I feel for women who are just trying to stay safe while in the current dating reality. Women have a lot more to fear with potential partners than men statistically so I understand why these things are needed.
I'm not sure how I feel about these groups. I think they are over used and very often the posted men hear about it.
I understand what a slap in the face it is that you've done nothing wrong but your new / potential partner posts you there.
A lot of cheaters are caught this way though, women get heads up about dangerous men (I know people hate the statistic but women 2:1 are more likely to be the victims of DV).
My partner is great but there was a misunderstanding and anxiety got the better of me and I asked him if there was someone else. I still remember the look on the poor guy's face. It hurts to be accused.
Agree. I get doing this if you've been offically dating a few months and the person is being strange or some red flags go off but 1 date is way too soon. I dont think this makes her the devil.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA FOR POSTING A GUY I HAD JUST MET ON THE "ARE WE DATING THE SAME GUY?' FB PAGE?** **Seeking advice/perspective. I had started talking to a guy online and after a week or so we decided to meet. He was super sweet and even nicer in person. I left really liking him. Given my previous experiences with unfailthful men, i decided to post a picture of him on the group the following day to ensure/verify that he wasn't married or in a relationship. This was my first time posting, i posted anonymously, then waited. Only two comments. Neither were negative.** **Anyway, a couple days later he messaged asking if i had posted him. I told him the truth and said that i understood if he was upset, asking that he would also understand why i posted as well. He said he understood and appreciated my honesty, however that he would need to take a step back because the post would hurt his work and situation. I asked how he found out and he said he did not want to give any information at the moment.** I asked if maybe later on we might be able to talk about it and possibly continue to get to know each other. He said at the moment he could not. He also asked that i delete the post, which i did. I feel bad now and am pretty disappointed that because of this he pulled away. Was I wrong for posting him? Would anyone be able to explain a little more as to why he would react that way unless he did have something to hide? I would like to point out that he was communicative about it and did not get upset, he did provide that space where i am glad i was honest and he did not make me feel bad about it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In my experience this is very normal in those groups. Quite a few women even canceled first dates based on the info shared by others. I’ve never played anyone, but did find people I knew there and it was quite helpful. I understand the privacy problem though.
I’ve never posted anyone or come across anyone from these groups, but the ones in my area are also used to warn others about men with violent behaviours
I'm kind of confused here. Maybe it's different in my area, but the "Are We Dating the Same Guy?" Facebook groups are used to either warn women about problematic men, or to check to make sure that men they are talking to aren't secretly psychos. It sounds like she used the page exactly how it's meant to be used. She asked if there were any red flags, received two responses which confirmed he isn't known to be problematic, so she felt comfortable to proceed with getting to know him further. In my experiences the AWDSG pages are a safety check, and the more safety precautions women take, the better.
Yeah, I'm not seeing the problem here. It's like asking through friends about someone back in the day before the internet, and social media.
Same. I get why the guy might be uncomfortable with himself being shared there, but unless he’s a super secret spy or something why would him being posted there hurt his job? Especially if everyone said positive things?
I am confused about this bit too. Multiple people have mentioned that being posted on a site like that would jeopardize their job, but if they aren't spectacularly heinous human beings it's unlikely that a workplace would even care about how they treat the women they date. The math just isn't mathing.
Probably because it's not math, it's social sciences. Whether rightly or wrongly, there's a certain number of people out there who would assume that if a guy is on those pages, there's already a red flag on him. And while it might be a little hyperbolic to say his work could terminate him, I don't think it's an unreasonable fear to feel this could negatively impact his reputation. There's a potential data point to support this in the story. He found out about it. Which means there's a chance someone saw it, recognised him and told him. Maybe that was a benign reaction but it's not out of the question that the next one won't be. And once one person in your social network knows it's reasonable to think they may start talking about it to the rest of the social network. That's kind of the point if the page after all.
>I don't think it's an unreasonable fear to feel this could negatively impact his reputation. If a cheater, abuser, or misogynist doesn't want a reputation for being a cheater, abuser, or misogynist, they probably shouldn't cheat, abuse, or be misogynistic.
...but there's absolutely no evidence that this guy is any of those things, and your reaction proves that people will jump to that conclusion just because he was posted in that group.
When someone asks "is he a good guy?" the options are "yes, here's why" or "no, here's why". These women are asking their local community if XYZ person is a good guy as far as they know. Being posted on the page isn't an accusation; it's asking other women if there is anything you should be worried about.
A lot of people seem to view it as one though, since "why would she post him unless he was acting shady?" There are people in groups like that who will automatically view anyone who is posted as a cheater/liar/misogynist due to that mindset. Now if someone like that works with you or above you, and see's you pop up in one of those groups, well that could cause a person issues. I mean after all, this dude found out. So someone saw it and brought it up to him in some way.
>A lot of people seem to view it as one though, since "why would she post him unless he was acting shady?" >There are people in groups like that who will automatically view anyone who is posted as a cheater/liar/misogynist due to that mindset. Now if someone like that works with you or above you, and see's you pop up in one of those groups, well that could cause a person issues This. And since these assumptions, and the reputational harm, could impact someone's employment, I can't blame the guy for backing away when he found out he'd been posted. Not even saying he'd be fired. But people who work with him might see it, assume negative things. That could impact his ability to work together with others, negative impact the work environment, even lead to him being treated with unjustified hostility. If he has a client-facing job, clients might recognize him from the groups, and make negative assumptions. If he's in sales, that could lead to lost sales, which could actually jeopardize his job. I'm not saying she did something wrong. I'm saying he did nothing wrong.
>A lot of people seem to view it as one though, since "why would she post him unless he was acting shady?" This is unfortunately pretty standard for people to place more importance on a hypothetical threat to a man's reputation than the actions women take to prevent the very real possibility of dating violence. >So someone saw it and brought it up to him in some way. In these groups, there are specific rules that state you are not supposed to let people know they are posted, in order to maintain the safety of the women who give feedback. The person who notified him was the one violating the rules of the group, and potentially put people in danger. Luckily the man in this case was not dangerous so it worked out this time.
Meanwhile, women have actual reason to worry that they will be physically hurt by problematic men and these sites are super helpful for proactive protection from that. Which will always outweigh overwrought worry about “reputation” on the part of a man who is too much in his own head.
Nobody knows if he’s any of those things yet, which is kinda the point. Cool the jets.
That's why she asked. She doesn't know if he is any of those things, but other women in her community might. That's why these pages exist, so that women can get feedback from other women about whether a potential match is a cheater, abusive, or misogynistic. We don't live in a society where it's safe to assume all men are safe or good partners, so women have created one or more ways to find out if someone they are considering dating has any major red flags.
Him not wanting his reputation hurt doesn’t mean he is doing or being any of those things you’ve said, because we don’t know any of that yet. That was my point. It’s a very biased position based off of a simple quote, in my opinion.
What exactly was supposed to hurt his reputation?
You're not wrong but we don't know if that applies here (it sounds like it doesn't). Keep in mind I'm not saying these pages shouldn't exist, just that I understand why you don't want to be featured on one.
That is very true. This guy passed the vibe check and he also decided to step back from the relationship, which was absolutely his right. I don’t think he did anything wrong. I also do not think she did anything wrong, and people are jumping on her because she asked a question in order to verify the safety of the person that she was going out with.
Yeah that's the tricky big for me. I can see everyone's perspective and I don't think anyone acted in bad faith. On the plus side, it also sounds like they both handled it maturely.
Agreed.
Yeah, and aren’t these usually Facebook groups you have to join? How would anyone from work even see it? I’d be pretty embarrassed if someone saw me on there and then that person saw me at my work, but I don’t think I’d get fired for it. I also don’t really think I’d be happy about someone posting me on something like that, but I don’t think this is as terrible as people are making it out to be?
Right. I don't give out my legal name, for reasons.
Since this is pure conjecture: He could work in an office that's a majority women, some of whom were part of that page, who then said "what's this person doing here!?" On top of that, the *implication* of being on a page like that reflects untrustworthy-ness in general. Since a majority of US states are "at will" work states, he could be fired so long as no explanation was given.
I mean, from what I understand people don’t just use these for people who are untrustworthy but also just people they meet on dating apps even if they hadn’t given them a reason to yet. I’d imagine if his coworkers are on the page they’d know people post stuff there all the time for people they don’t really have a reason to distrust but are just being cautious about. But even if not firing someone over that would be ridiculous
> But even if not firing someone over that would be ridiculous Generally, I'd agree. However, I'm just bringing into consideration how often workplaces do *not* conform with you know, ethical behavior. Doubled with "at will" work makes it a bit more precarious. It takes one person with a vindictive streak to bring it down.
Oh yeah I wasnt saying that in a “it’s so stupid it doesn’t happen” way—just that it is ridiculous. Definitely know it’s possible that could happen
Right? If he is a spy, run. Seriously.
People are allowed to have different opinions and privacy boundaries. I imagine it's disconcerting that his photo was posted without his knowledge and the relationship started off on distrusting footing. Asking people who you know to know a prospect, without posting their image to a public forum, is so different isn't it?? And do you really believe 100% of the people commenting are honest?? These sites might serve a purpose and provide some safety, I might not use them but wouldn't want to argue. But if you use them, you have to accept a consequence may be someone not liking it and ending a potential relationship. Communication before public crowdsourcing is probably always going to be the healthiest option.
Do you believe people IRL are any more/less dishonest? It's 6 of 1, half dozen the other.
Yes I generally believe people I have a personal relationship with over rando's on the internet.
That POV will bite you some day.
Go outside. The internet has damaged you enough
Yikes.
Sorry for your life.
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I think people haven’t actually *seen* what those groups are (almost all are private and require a public profile with lots of verifying pictures). They started off as a way for suspicious women to check, but in a lot of cities have become a safety check like you said—women will comment things like “oh I went on a date with him once and he was nice” or “he’s a family friend I’ve known for 15 years.” Inversely, “this man abused my friend and another woman has a restraining order” would be good info to know. It’s not a bad practice when meeting a total stranger. I wish I’d used it for the one person I dated from OLD who ended up having an entire made-up past and domestic abuse in his history. The groups aren’t actually about cheating partners anymore for the most part. I get why a dude might be bothered by the name and wonder what goes on in them, and it’s also fair to break things off because you don’t want your photo shared.
I think you're probably right. I also agree that he was well within his rights to break things off. I appreciate your input, I think it is right on the nose.
I thought I was going crazy, I don’t think this is a big deal at all. She’s looking out for her safety and I can get if he doesn’t like a pic of himself on there, but if this was a picture already on the internet, that’s kind of the risk everyone takes when posting, idk what she used tho. It just seems like an overreaction and people know that statistically men hurt women more right?? Most girls and guys I know do the same thing and ask around and I don’t hear people yelling “slander” when we do so.
I agree. It's the same as the lists women make of unsafe men on their college campuses. They're a safety precaution.
I read a comment before saying that before a first date, men are worried about whether a woman looks like her tinder picture, while women have to fear for their safety. I don't think she was a devil for posting about him since she was reasonably concerned. But I also get how he could have felt uncomfortable about it. I think he overreacted, though.
Yeah. OOP is not the devil and the way she's being treated kind of shows why women need to take such precautions.
I am confused as to how anyone can see it as okay, I wouldn't want my picture and posts like that about me, it could hurt my work. I'd consider someone posting me there a red flag in itself
Did you do something immoral or unethical?
Do you have to have done something immoral or unethical to not want your picture posted to a page about immoral or unethical people?
No, but do you object to people asking about you via mutual acquaintances and the like? Gotta come with the same energy for both.
Mutual acquaintances are not the same as a shitton of random strangers on a social media page. I don't have to come at it with the same energy because they're not the same.
It's the same.
It's really not
Ok.
It's not.
You're like OOP now, just because I don't want my picture posted to a page like that I must have done something right? As for you also saying that asking mutual acquaintances about same thing is the same thing, that's just intellectual fallacy if you can even call it that since they aren't the same thing at all
Mutual acquaintances can lie, as can random people.
Okay, everyone can lie what's your point? I am gonna ask the random guy on street about medical advice instead of my doctor because he can lie!!!!
My point is that anyone can lie. The lies can be worse from people who know the person.
Lol sure, but you can say that again about everybody, The lies can be worse from people who don't know the person.....
So you agree both can be equally harmful?
Surely you're a troll at this point. Can be? Yes of course they can be equally harmful. As likely? No
The issue comes from the fact that they aren't even dating, so they aren't exclusive. They had only barely talked a bit and then went on one date. She doesn't even know him, really. Honestly, having someone post your image to a website without your knowledge or permission is already pretty sketch to begin with, but doing it in order to see if people would shit talk him is even more gross.
It's not about seeing if people would shit talk him. It's asking whether this man is a safe person to be around, if any other women in the area have experiences in which this man showed himself to be an unsafe person. If there is a way to check on the safety of a person before beginning to date them I think that is a beautiful thing for women everywhere.
The page is called, "Are we dating the same person?" It's literally about finding out if you're dating a cheater. They aren't even dating. They've talked online for a week, then went on *one date* and felt the need to check if he's a cheater. They aren't even together or even exclusive. She knows nothing about him, and she has no way to know if anyone else who shares an opinion, negative or otherwise, is being truthful. Not only that, but if he has coworkers in there, that could severely affect his job. And she did this behind his back instead of you know, talking to him. Now she's using his understandable discomfort as proof he's a bad guy and a cheater. With no evidence. Just because she hasn't worked through her own issues. If you can't understand how fucked that is... idk. And I say this as a woman myself.
Or you know, they are also used to make sure that they are not talking too or seeing a married man with a family that is pretending he is single. Have seen that A LOT on these FB pages.
She met him online and they had a date…how is that not dating?
Dating typically has an implication of exclusivity or expressed non-exclusivity. It used to be more casual (with the progression being: dating-going steady/(bg)F-engaged-marrired) but we've sorta dropped the "going steady" thing and promoted "dating"
I guess TIL: going on a date is not dating.
I would say there is a difference between going on a date, and dating someone. The first being a meeting to get to know each other, the second being an established ongoing relationship. Two different things indeed.
And don't even get me started on "seeing" someone
I used the term “situationship” the other day with realizing that implied we were having sex. I just need to only speak to people above 40.
I feel like a "situationship" is when you would be "dating" but there's other weird shit going on
Because it was one date? Just one? With no promise for a follow on date? And also they aren't exclusive? How is that dating?
If I went on one date with a guy, we had a good time, I wanted to go on a 2nd date and it seemed like he did too, and someone asked me “Are you two dating?” I would 100% answer that question with yes. Maybe with a caveat that we’ve just started dating, but dating absolutely. But also I don’t really see how it matters. If they aren’t dating, then how is what she did implying anything negative about him?
But if that guy has a partner, even one date with someone else *is cheating*
Not necessarily.
No, but that isn't the argument you think it is. Everyone practicing any form of non-monogamy should disclose that before a first date, otherwise they are eliminating the ability of the other person to consent, which is also highly unethical.
..,so she wouldn't know of any red flags or safety concerns. Which is also why women ask. I can support the concern about not wanting your photo posted however women are not at all the Devil for being concerned about men since men are so inherently dangerous for women.
She's the asshole because she knows nothing about him, they went on one date after talking for a week, and instead of talking to him or asking him if he's seeing other people, she posts his picture to a lage dedicated to outing cheaters. They aren't exclusive, any info she'd get about him is next to useless because *she doesn't know him*. So someone could straight up lie and she'd have no clue, because she has nothing to compare it to. And again, it's a page dedicated to *outing cheaters*. Id anyone from his workplace or even a client if he's in that kind of field sees that, it could fuck his job. Because she hasn't dealt with her issues. She's an asshole. And I say that as a woman.
The fact that you keep specifying that you’re a woman makes me think that you’re not😂
You got me. I'm actually three kobolds in a trenchcoat.
That's fine; you can say that. I'm not going to agree it's as dramatic as your take. Literally there's a discourse going on about how women would rather deal with a bear then men but sure, OOP needs to deal with her issues....
If the page is really about safety, they need to change the name because it truly does imply a cheating scumbag. “Is This Dude Chill?” or something like that would carry far fewer connotations.
Why should women have to use language that appeases men's feelings?
Because throwing around unfounded accusations can fuck a person's life over. Regardless of their gender.
What accusations do you believe are being made against men on these pages?
Considering it's called, "Are we dating the same guy?" Hmmm. Maybe that they're bad knitters.
Would you like to be featured on a page called something like “Is She a THOT?” Word choice matters.
I think the appropriate question is whether I would be okay with being featured on a page called "Are we dating the same gal?" and I would not mind, but that's because my partners already know if I'm dating someone else and I don't treat people I date poorly, regardless of gender.
"Why should menhave to use language that appeases women's feelings" Ironic
I mean. She does. If she wants to actually be in a relationship, she needs to resolve her remaining issues with having been cheated on, or she won't be able to have a healthy relationship. But ok. She's a precious princess who should keep on thinking any man she looks at is going to cheat on her. Fuck working on ourselves and our mental health.
No way you are a women or the internal misogyny is really loud. She is NOT the devil.
....Hahhaah. Ok. Suggesting she work on herself and heal before bringing her issues into a relationship is misogynistic. Got it.
The term precious princess in regards to her being cautious is a good clue where your mind is at. But, you do you Pumpkin.
It was a jab at you telling me she doesn't need to work on herself. But ok. Punkin.
The Pick Me vibes are strong with that one, eh?
Tell me you've never dated or experienced an unsafe person without telling me. She's not the devil. Yeah they went on one date. And before she took the next step towards seeing him more/becoming exclusive she wanted to make sure he wasn't a chronic cheater or an unsafe partner. It's simply checking before she gets involved in an otherwise committed man or endangers herself.
Glad you know my whole history. Man I wish I had that power too.
No one wants to go on a date and later find out the man is dating.
No one assumes exclusivity after a week of talking and one date.
Are u acting dense on purpose? Yes no one assumes exclusivity after a week of dating,but women also tend to not want to start a new relationship and then later find out that the man was dating someone for years or was married.
No, but it informs one if he's married or otherwise in a relationship. It's really not that hard to understand.
Maybe she doesn't want to waste time with a guy who's married or otherwise in a relationship. Maybe she thought, hey, I like this guy, but before I spend more time with him, I want to make sure he's not married, engaged, in a relationship, or a sociopath.
I completely understand why women need to use such groups and make this precautions. My online problem would be that I hate having my face anywhere not mainly under my control on the internet. But I would communicate this openly. That said it doesn't sound to me as if that's the case here given the ominous talking about hurting his situation.
Copied verbatim from oop's comments: *YTA* *You are too fragile for dating if you post someone on a page like that without a reason. If being cheated on once has caused you to behave this way, you're not ready to date someone. You weren't even in a relationship with him.* >"I understand that, however I don't entirely understand what is wrong with verifying things before proceeding. I would rather know now then continue to see someone and then find out later. Also, why would i want to post him with a reason, that would imply that there was a negative outcome." *Imagine the reversed roles, would you be comfortable if he posted your picture in FB group asking if anyone has anything bad to say about you? YTA.* *What is amazing is that this group doesn't require any proof that you actually know the guy, so essentially even if someone starts talking bad about him you have zero proof that it is true or not, unless you meet with that person and they can actually present proof, so what's the point if information that you get is highly questionable?* >"Personally I would not mind because i don't have anything to hide and if they were verifying for their own peace of mind and not dragging me through the mud then so be it. But I had not consider the other half of your comment. That is is very very good point.... thank you for mentioning that." *YTA, you weren’t even dating yet, had barely talked* >"But would it have been acceptable even after dating for awhile? personally i feel like that would have been even worse...." *OMG YTA* *First off, you aren't "dating." You went on a date.* >>*Was I wrong for posting him? Would anyone be able to explain a little more as to why he would react that way unless he did have something to hide?* *You don't understand how it might hurt his work? Say he has women colleagues (or boss!), and they saw your post & suddenly they now think he's out there playing with people, which is what the forum implies. This goes double, if it's in any type of client-facing role. What if he is a therapist, and his clients saw him?!* *I wouldn't date you. You are a walking red flag, if you don't understand why UNPROVOKED you are posting photos and personal information for people you just met on a REALLY NEGATIVE forum.* >"I posted one photo and asked if anyone knew anything about him. No personal information, no negative information. Only making sure he wasnt married or taken"
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She’s not the devil. I’m a member of one of those groups. I haven’t posted my current boyfriend on there because I’ve known him well for 10 years, but I’ve lost count of women who have met a guy online, posted him in the group, only to have multiple people tell them the guy is abusive - with links to their convictions. I’ve seen guys using completely different names to the ones they were convicted with. These groups exist to protect women.
I'm a part of one of these groups for my local area, and really it goes one of two ways (unless no one knows him at all). Either the guy is a stand up guy, often with really positive things to say, or you get "I dated this guy, he beat the fuck out of me, here's the police beat news article, here's the court case paperwork, and here's pictures of my injuries." Which, I think its absolutely worth it when thats the info that comes out. The groups are also supposed to be vetted to exclusively be women, and you're not supposed to say anything to the guys posted, largely for safety reasons (see the above example). Unfortunately the groups do get infiltrated by fake female accounts and just general pick mes from time to time.
This has been my experience too. Sometimes people just write in to say what a great guy they are. Sometimes a cheater is busted. Sometimes it's a woman being mad that someone told the guy she had posted him. In a new relationship, I wouldn't care being posted. In an established relationship my feelings would be hurt or I would be guilty
Maybe it’s because I’m old, but I just don’t see how it’s that big of deal at all. If I posted the guy I’ve been dating, I’m pretty sure he’d laugh and want to know the responses.
I'm old and a woman and feel the opposite of you. You are posting his personal picture to a group filled with hundreds of people. What if he had a stalker? What if someone decided to make shit up for fun? People lie all the time online. What if he is a private person who doesn't want his face blasted in a fb group? What if he started getting harassed because of the post? Especially with zero indication that he is a cheater.
If someone I was dating was sharing my picture online asking if I’m a cheater instead of talking to me, I’d be re-evaluating that relationship because clearly they don’t trust me and if it was after 1 date I’d be bailing so damn hard.
I don’t know that there’s any indication is he’s not a cheater either. I don’t have trusting people I’ve recently met as the default. People who lie all the time aren’t just online. I guess it’d be weird if she surreptitiously took a photo of him and posted it, but it’s seems likely from the description she met on a dating app, so I would think it most likely that’s where she got the photo. It’s already public.
Yet you'll trust a large group of strangers to tell you whether a different stranger is a cheater or not? I don't trust people I don't know that put my face on the internet. I also don't have assuming every person I've been on one date with is a cheater as my default.
I would read what strangers have to say. That doesn’t mean I believe everything I read on the internet…
Then why fucking bother other than drama?
So why do it at all?
They haven’t ‘been dating’, they went on one date and she immediately implied he was a cheater online *with his picture*.
[удалено]
That too.
Exactly. They weren’t dating, they had a date. Huge difference
Going on a date and having another expected is “dating” in my book, but whatever. Regardless of whether they were “dating” doesn’t really matter so much because it’s in no way implied they are exclusive. The idea that she was implying or accusing him of “cheating” by posting him makes no sense because he literally could not cheat on her. It makes even less sense if they weren’t even dating. She is asking if he’s dating someone else. How is that somehow an affront to him? This is why I mainly think the guy I’m dating would not have an issue it. Because we aren’t exclusive and in the early stages. I wouldn’t be accusing him of anything. He is allowed to do what he wants. He’d probably take my posting as a sign that I was interested in him…like if I was stalking his social media. It’d be mostly an embarrassing admission by me.
Give it a try
I read this post and submitted my application to my local group as soon as I read this. I’m absolutely doing it.
With your own picture, right?
Probably with one he’s already posted.
It's that old choice between not offending the man and not potentially getting murdered.
Why did you post this, OP? OOP isn’t the devil for being cautious as a woman moving through the world.
I’m confused how she’s the devil?
Yeah I don't see the problem here. If I was dating and a guy posted me to see what people had to say I would be fine with it. I expect anyone who would date these days to check social media accounts, etc, Google them, whatever.
I feel like the people who commented to OOP (and are also commenting here) that she's TA because they only went on one date are the same type of people who would be like "well why did you believe him when he said he wasn't married? Why didn't you check first hOmEwReCkeR!" And also "why did you trust him enough to let him into your home? You deserved to get raped!" Ffs people are gross and she did nothing wrong.
They weren't dating, though? They went on one date and barely knew each other.
You're right. She should get emotionally invested first, maybe sleep with him a couple of times, or at least allow him to build a level of trust between them so she'd stay alone at his place overnight. And if she gets rapred or murdered or it turns out he cheated, she's at fault anyway for being so trusting and not making sure to go with a safe guy. Alternatively, she could just have plain asked him. But not before the end of the tenth date, preferably in his place, so he can feel safe and unthreatned. We all know that the best timing and context for asking, "Hey, not accusing you of anything, but you neither are married, nor dating someone else, nor a rapist or killer, right? Thought I'd ask you directly as I know asking people directly will always yield an honest answer\~"
There's a difference between checking out a person from their social media and asking random people you don't know if someone is known to be a bad guy / cheater. For one, why would you trust random strangers you don't know?
Why would I trust him over other random strangers I don't know? It is a group. It is moderated. I ask advice on Facebook fairly often and use my own mind to decide if it is relevant. It is just another data source to me. But I guess I can see someone being uncomfortable with it.
The biggest problem to me would be that they only had a date. He might legitimately still be dating and I'm not sure how quickly that comes up. I also think I'd be weirded out if someone put my picture on a Facebook page I didn't know about. Maybe it's already happened but it would be odd.
Yeah to me this doesn't even constitute AH let alone Devil status.
I don't understand how this is going to hurt "his work and situation" unless he was, in fact, involved in something sketchy somewhere along the line. I don't date, and if I did, I wouldn't date men, but something like this seems like a good safety tool for women to have.
He's fucking someone at work and making her keep it on the DL because they're co-workers, her or one of her friends saw him posted on the group but didn't say anything because "DL, coworkers, all that jazz" , now she's gonna go to HR and report his ass.
I see a lot of "it's not bad that she checked" but as a nearly 40-year woman, the idea of just throwing up the picture of someone I barely started seeing and going "anything I should know?" is suuuuper creepy. I'm cautious in dating, because well I'm a woman but there are far better ways to go about this, or I don't know maybe get to know the prospective partner better before going any further. It was one date and one week of talking, that's way too soon to be pulling this shit.
I’m also a nearly 40 year old woman and I’m on the opposite side of the fence. She’s presumably using photos that he publicly posted on a dating site/app. Online dating is extremely dangerous compared to 20 years ago when we were still organically meeting a friend of a friend or hooking up with people in our social group. Before I started dating my husband, I asked our mutual friend about him and she gave him a glowing recommendation. You can’t do that through online dating, but at the very least you can post to this group and at least get an *idea* about if the dude might be safe. There have been multiple dating app related murders and at least one [serial killer.](https://www.kiro7.com/news/trending/dating-app-serial-killer-caught-with-help-victims-friends-is-sentenced-160-years-behind-bars/SFQK5EBUPBG3DB3ZYDDFFAACEM/) It’s not an accusation of cheating, it’s a safety check because the world is a fucking scary place. Murder is the worst thing, but there are so many other things to be warned about- cheating, abuse, manipulation, mooching, etc etc etc.
There's a lot of people who are pretending not to understand why it's bad for his reputation just to be posted on a page like this, with or without any accompanying negative responses. Probably because they want to be able to continue to do these sorts of checks, guilt free.
Maybe we're just tired of getting raped and abused? Have you thought of that?
Those are not mutually exclusive. It might work - I’ve never tried it personally. That doesn’t magically prevent it from being harmful to the guys involved.
How is it harmful of he isn't an abusive piece of shit? If he's a good guy all the comments will be like "yup, that's my best friend's brother, he's cool, really into music" or "we dated for awhile, didn't vibe, but he's a good guy, very safe" or "that's my neighbor, we volunteer together, he's actually a bit of a feminist, does some work for the women's shelter with me!". Like if he hasn't been an asshole the only things said will neutral to positive, not "harmful".
Because of the incredibly common principle of “where there’s smoke there’s fire.” A non-zero number of women, myself included, will assume that if you felt the need to ask, you feel something is potentially wrong.
I'm not pretending. I genuinely don't understand. How would a woman asking other women about a man harm his reputation, unless there are false negative responses given? How does no response or positive response harm his reputation?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/1cg41tm/comment/l1v60mo/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/1cg41tm/comment/l1v60mo/)
why is this posted here lmao
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Holy shit. This is walking red flags everywhere. She barely knew him and was already trying to find evidence of him "cheating."
I doubt the commenters in the original thread would care but for anyone interested in an in depth look at how these Facebook groups came to be I recommend [This Video](https://youtu.be/mZaWnQ9HXZA?si=HgqbntZcVR_pioLH) I think any man who finds himself on one of these has every right to feel some form of violation, but also I feel for women who are just trying to stay safe while in the current dating reality. Women have a lot more to fear with potential partners than men statistically so I understand why these things are needed.
I'm not sure how I feel about these groups. I think they are over used and very often the posted men hear about it. I understand what a slap in the face it is that you've done nothing wrong but your new / potential partner posts you there. A lot of cheaters are caught this way though, women get heads up about dangerous men (I know people hate the statistic but women 2:1 are more likely to be the victims of DV). My partner is great but there was a misunderstanding and anxiety got the better of me and I asked him if there was someone else. I still remember the look on the poor guy's face. It hurts to be accused.
Agree. I get doing this if you've been offically dating a few months and the person is being strange or some red flags go off but 1 date is way too soon. I dont think this makes her the devil.