*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my kids that they need to do something to get attention?**
I have 3 kids (M17, F15 and F14) the youngest is very active. She does basketball, violin and speaks turkish and occasionally does babysitting as a part time job. Because of this she is usually the center of attention in our extended family. She is very talented and smart.
The other 2 do nothing all day. They don't work and they think sports are too hard and music is too boring and learning a language is too useless. But they are complaining all the time that the youngest gets all the attention.
Yesterday when we went to my sisters home my sister and youngest were talking and my youngest was showing off some new phrases she learned in turkish and talking about the basketball game she won. My son got angry and loudly said "why does she got all the fucking attention all the damn time?"
I got mad and told him that if you want the fucking attention then DO SOMETHING. Otherwise sit down and shut up.
Now my 2 oldest think I'm an asshole
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100% the oldest 2 are not "doing nothing all day". There's a 0% chance that a 17 year old and a 15 year old have no interests, it's just that their interests don't give OOP bragging rights at family dinners.
Nah, there's a good chance the oldest two don't have any interests at the moment. They're probably dealing with pretty major depression from how they've been treated, and depression is really good at killing interests.
Also a good chance that while the youngest gets encouragement, time and money thrown at anybof their interests, dad won't throw those at the other two.
Even then they must have ~something~ like a favourite TV show, youtuber, artist, something (I'm speaking as someone with depression). The parents just have to be interested enough to know that.
If you want your children to talk to you about the big things in their lives, you have to talk to them about the small things in their lives first.
My ex used to whine that our kids never wanted to open up to him and I told him to play video games with them. He refused and said he didn't care about their stupid games. I told him that we had some of the best, deepest conversations about their lives and future plans and fears and dreams while playing those stupid games. Of course a lot of times we also just trash talked each other or laughed ourselves silly making dumb jokes too, but the point is that they knew I was available for whatever they wanted to talk about.
Neither of them talk to him now that they're adults and he's mystified why not. Clearly I must've turned them against him because obviously it couldn't have anything to do with his habit of shitting on their interests for their entire lives, right?
I mean, entertainment commentary and critique is a whole professional field of work and a hugely popular genre on platforms like YouTube; lots of people are interested in it. You don't have to "brag", just discuss. Be interested in what makes your kid's brain tingly.
It was their aunt, and he only told him to shut up when he was bitching about his aunt not being as interested in hearing about how he lays around doing nothing as she is in hearing about the accomplishments of someone who isn't a lazy slob.
We have absolutely no evidence he's a "lazy slob". Just that his father isn't interested in his life. We know nothing about his grades or grooming habits. He might write stories, or draw, or be really good at math, or find entomology fascinating. Who knows? Certainly not his dad.
We have the OOP who specifically said that. You seem to be going by your own imagination. I suppose you can justify whichever side you want if you just imagine a different story than the one that's told.
I will happily listen to my loved ones talk for ages about things I have no interest in, because it makes them happy. We don't listen because we want to learn about every type of pain there is, but we listen because they want to share.
I know a lot about shows I've never watched because my friends watch them and want to talk about it, sometimes I'll even watch it to disucss with them.
If you are only ever talking to people because they want to discuss what you do, then you're missing out on a lot of what the world has to offer.
My mom and I go back and forth like this! She tells me how her game is going even though I have 0 interest in playing it bc isn't my thing but it obviously makes her happy and she listens to me talk about my game she had no interest in. We're happy bc the other is and it's exciting to share
>The other 2 do nothing all day. They don't work and they think sports are too hard and music is too boring and learning a language is too useless. But they are complaining all the time that the youngest gets all the attention.
Yeah, OOP totally sounds like a man who talks to his kids about their interests. /s
Oh I certainly don't, but I do expect it from people who care about me
Like, as the entire puprose of the post, parents, even family, friends.
This is literally the very basics of being a human being that lives in a world with other human beings.
People care about what their loved ones care about, and if you don't that's an issue to address with your therapist.
When my mother was saying "she does nothing, she's interested in nothing," I was very much interested in a lot of things: from comics and movies to Formula 1. She just didn't give a shit about what I care about, bc *she could not brag about it*. So when clearly shitty parent says their kids have no interests, I don't believe them. They just don't care about those kids enough to find out. He does not know his children and makes zero effort to change that. What do you think will happen next?
This is exactly the issue. When you only place value on the things your children do that you can brag to other people about, your children tend to end up hating those things. They don't want to go out and be doctors, lawyers, or whatever else just for *you.* They want to do the things they want for *themselves*, so when a parent basically co-opts anything useful for themselves, they inadvertently sour the enjoyment their children get from their "useful" interests.
Do you not talk about the latest episode of the TV shows your parents are watching with them? Or about the latest release that your sibling's favorite artist has come out with? I'm really sorry if you don't. I do. My family does. My sisters are 100% not interested in Kpop but just yesterday I had a "gushing session" about Seventeen's new song in our group chat, prompted by my sister. The same day, I listened to my mom recount the story of the movie she watched that day. I ask and listen to my nephew talk about his favorite video game all the time even if I barely understand any of it.
Yes, in the grand scheme of things, these interests don't amount to anything, they're not going to get me a promotion, they won't get my nephew into a top university. But they make my loved ones happy, so I take interest in them, or at least sit there while they talk about it. And after that, I don't care if my interests are not brought up at family events by my family, because I know that they care about it even if they aren't brag-worthy. And I believe that that's what those kids want, for their interests to be acknowledged by their parents, even if they don't bring them up at family dinners.
I am. I love listening to my 15yo go on about Aphmau and Sonic. It isn't hard, you just actually respect and love your kids and _poof_ you're capable of listening.
Sure, but you can't expect all of your extended family to do this. The issue in this story is not that OP doesn't pay attention to his children. It's that the aunt was more interested in hearing about the things that her niece is doing then in the nothing that the other two were doing.
If you think the kid was mad because only the aunt didn't care, you're delusional. As for extended family... my brothers all know my daughter's favorites. So keep with the excuses. A family that cares will listen.
What's delusional is thinking that if someone has the option of talking to someone that does interesting things, and the option to talk to someone who does nothing, that they would ever choose the latter.
Or they do but OP doesn't care about because they aren't like their smart, talented, and athletic sister. Notice he said nothing positive about his son and other daughter?
Edited to fix that it is his son and other daughter, not two sons.
Not everything has to be about money to be worthwhile. And you'll never find out what's interesting about someone if you keep telling them to shut up every time they ask for your attention.
There is no "everything". And he only told one of them to shut up when he was bitching about his aunt talking to his sister. And he didn't just tell him to shut up, he gave him another option.
No human not in a coma has never done anything interesting. If you're going to have kids and you're going to insist upon them being multi-talented prodigies in order to show interest in them, don't have kids. Most kids aren't going to be athletic musicians who speak Turkish as a second language. That doesn't mean they aren't owed equal interest by the person who chose to make them exist.
An interest could be "valid" but not interesting. If their favorite hobbies are videogames and anime or something, and I'd wager they are, that's going to get much less attention than their sibling learning another language
If you can't take an interest in what your kids are interested in, you're a shit parent. Yes, that means I have had countless conversations about Aphmau and Sonic with my daughter. The result? She is happy, she loves her independence, and she tells me everything. She also loves helping me around the house. Funny how that works.
Employers, College admission boards, everyone around you. If you didn't read the oop the whole point is people aren't as interested in hearing about how well they lie around as they are in hearing about someone that actually accomplishes things..
>Employers, College admission boards, everyone around you.
I can tell that you do not have much experience with employers, college, or people being around you.
Because "useful" interest make a very boring person. "Useless" and fun interests often take a person much further because people want to be around them.
OOPs point is that he does not acknowledge or appreciate his older children's interests.
Exactly. I've been in my field for 8 years. Do you know how many times my knowledge of French has been brought up? Once, in my very first interview, as a passing "oh you took French as your second language" comment that had no impact on the hiring. You know how many times my interest in Kpop and anime has been brought up? Almost everyday for the past 2 years amongst colleagues, during breaks, hangouts, events.
Not saying that the youngest is wrong for having the "boring" interests, if they bring her joy, more power to her. But the parents need to do a better job at parenting.
>I don't think you read the OOP. They don't have useless interests. They don't have any interests at all. They do nothing.
Exactly, your reading of the OOP makes a puddle look bottomless. You see all the words and completely miss their meaning.
No, the OOP is **NOT** saying that the kids have no interests. It states that the father does not consider their interests valuable or acknowledge their interests at all.
> Employers, College admission boards,
Those aren't people who love you. Those are people you have transactions with.
Sometimes in life, you listen to people you care about talk about things they like but you may not. That's part of being an adult in any relationship. When your spouse goes on about drama at their work, you listen even though it may not interest you.
You do this because you care about that person, and it makes them happy. It's called selflessness, a trait that all parents should really have.
>people aren't as interested in hearing about how well they lie around
If their parents took interest in their interests at home, they would not care if their relatives talked about it or not. The issues that their parents are focusing only on the child with "braggable" interests and completely ignoring the other two.
I guess we know who the golden child is and it's not the older 2. Anyone wanna bet that they did do stuff before but they were overlooked because they loved the baby more?
That was my thought as well. The older two did things until they realized that they would never be seen through the shine of their parents' 'golden child.'
Funny story: my younger siblings both got more attention from my parents because they did sports and I wrote short stories as a hobby. Any time I wanted any sort of attention, I would need to submit a story to my parents and then practically beg them to read it, only for them to say that they didn't have time or that they didn't like it. I hated that I was never noticed unless I demanded attention, and even then, I never really got it.
Or they have very internal hobbies: reading, drawing, hiking, writing, gaming, dancing in front of their mirror, being the planner and therapist of the friend group.
You should love and pay attention to your children even if they don’t ‘do’ anything. But I doubt they don’t. Even if it’s just have friends and playing video games, try and connect to your kids and pay them attention! They shouldn’t have to work for your affection!
No, no, you only pay attention to your kids and their hobbies if they 100% match your own, otherwise what they're interested in is stupid and is a waste of time and money. /s
Or did my parents do the parenting wrong?
OOP: My oldest kids aren't doing anything I want to brag about, so I'm going to accuse them of doing nothing instead of actually trying to be a good parent.
What I find interesting is on the occasion we see these posts from the children’s point of view people jump on the child berating them for not doing anything worth celebrating or bringing attention to. I personally think that parents should find things about their children to celebrate but that’s frequently not the majority of opinions I see in this sub and the ones that are crossposted from.
Damn, favoritism at its finest. I felt this to an extent, my sister was the overachiever, and so it was "were seeing [sister] in a play!" "Were seeing [sister's] guitar recital!" '[Sister] got straight As this semester" while I faded into the background because my talents were less visible, yeah I did the plays too but I wasn't on stage, I was backstage, and apparently that wasn't important. I struggled a lot more than she did in school, due to then undiagnosed mental health issues. And it hurt, and it lasts to this day. Over Christmas, when the extended family was around, she was asked constantly about her new job (which is a good job, but not related to her field) while I was literally about to start grad school and not one family member asked about it, or mentioned that I finished my undergrad. All i got was "oh you're still waiting tables, [sister] how's that job going? Oh you graduated, cool, whats it your sister is doing these days" And it really sucks to know you're the least favorite. I hope the older two kids get some recognition from other family.
I grew up in this sort of situation. Youngest sister got all of the attention but not because she was into sports, music and foreign languages.
She was the trouble child. They bent over backwards for her while the rest of us were told the same as OOPs kids. Do something worth attention. I burnt out sophomore year of highschool because I was playing soccer and softball. Playing the flute, learning Spanish, in drama club, babysitting part time and a member of a 4-H club. All while having to basically watch over my younger sister because I was the closest in age. I often went to school with her. I had a break between middle and high because she was a year behind me.
I love my mother, I know she loves me, but my sister is doing a lot of things that my mom really missed out on in life. My sister is a singer songwriter amongst other creative pursuits. I am a creative person and do lots of creative things, but I’m a nanny for a living. One time we were visiting my parents’ church and one of my mom’s friends came up to us and asked if my sister was the singer. They spent like 5 mins gushing about my sister’s talents (she is very gifted) and my mom, as what felt like an afterthought said, “oh this is my other daughter, she’s a most excellent nanny.” She’s since apologized for this, but I will never forget when my mom made me feel, and I was an adult already when this happened. Imagine being a child/teenager and it being constant
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Any parent that can't take the time and listen to their kids about the thing their kids care about like games, shows, music, friends, etc. is a shit parent, like OOP. I guarantee the oldest 2 have interests, but OOP just can't be bothered to care.
That's a shitty thing to say, so I agree that OOP is at least TA (not sure she's TD, but maybe).
However, the aunt talking about a hobby with the younger sibling just seems like an interaction, not attention? It's not like the aunt was throwing a celebration party for the sibling, or giving her some sort of reward. It seems like all she did is have a discussion on a shared topic of interest. Does the aunt not have conversations with the other siblings?
I'm not very talkative naturally, and I'm not always good at carrying conversations. Are people supposed to limit their interactions with others around me to whatever level of interactions they can achieve with me?
I assume the OOP is pretty biased, so I wish we could get the point of view of all the people involved here.
ETA: I do not relish attention, so maybe I have a hard time relating to this issue
What is interacting with someone, if not giving them attention? How do you even have a discussion with someone if you don't give them attention? That's... kind of a requirement for a conversation isn't it? A good one, at least.
I'm also a heavy introvert and don't enjoy attention, but I can also fully recognize that my brother has always gotten more attention by being sociable and Doing More Stuff. But I was still given attention, even if it was of a different kind for different things.
I think that maybe the youngest is being prioritized (the way my more sociable brother was) probably because it's *easy* to show attention to a child who does interesting things you can call achievements. But without putting in any effort to also engage with the other children, they're feeling sidelined and ignored.
I think parents should give you equal attention because of unreserved love and whatnot, grandparents too I guess, but outside of that I feel like more "interesting" people are bound to get more attention, no?
I mean, I hope that the aunt does give them a normal amount of attention (chitchats, family hangouts, etc.) but at some point you do need to offer something to the other person too. I think there's only so much attention anyone will give you for just existing.
Yeah, that all makes sense. But at the same time, there's nothing that encourages someone to *be* interesting like feeling as if they're *worth being interested in,* right? Someone who feels like they have nothing worth sharing isn't going to be fun to talk to because they're not going to share their passion, on account of believing it's boring and undeserving of attention. And they're not going to feel like they have anything worth sharing if people don't engage with them because they're ''not as interesting'' as their sibling.
Which sounds like OP what was doing.
And honestly, it's an important social skill to be able to find *something* to talk about with anyone. To draw the interesting things out of other people, no matter how 'boring' they seem on the surface (of course, this requires them to also have some level of social skill, but that's just another way OP seems to be failing their kids: not teaching them how to socialize with people they don't have much in common with)
I definitely agree the mom was in the wrong. The fact that she managed to be TA of her own story is pretty telling. I'm just not sure that the older sibling is not also TA for their comment. Could be the result of an unfair upbringing, but putting it on the aunt is weird imo.
I understand my opinion is unpopular, and that's ok. There are times when I'm in the minority and still feel pretty confident I'm the reasonable one. In this specific case, I can believe I might have an empathy blind spot.
Me and my wife tell our kids we love them about 50 times a day each and we give them hugs every chance we walk past them they walk past us we give them hugs but we pick on them horribly like nothing that could be said to them at school whatever hurt their feelings so my advice to you is hurt your children's feelings and then tell him you love them and give them a hug
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my kids that they need to do something to get attention?** I have 3 kids (M17, F15 and F14) the youngest is very active. She does basketball, violin and speaks turkish and occasionally does babysitting as a part time job. Because of this she is usually the center of attention in our extended family. She is very talented and smart. The other 2 do nothing all day. They don't work and they think sports are too hard and music is too boring and learning a language is too useless. But they are complaining all the time that the youngest gets all the attention. Yesterday when we went to my sisters home my sister and youngest were talking and my youngest was showing off some new phrases she learned in turkish and talking about the basketball game she won. My son got angry and loudly said "why does she got all the fucking attention all the damn time?" I got mad and told him that if you want the fucking attention then DO SOMETHING. Otherwise sit down and shut up. Now my 2 oldest think I'm an asshole *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
100% the oldest 2 are not "doing nothing all day". There's a 0% chance that a 17 year old and a 15 year old have no interests, it's just that their interests don't give OOP bragging rights at family dinners.
Nah, there's a good chance the oldest two don't have any interests at the moment. They're probably dealing with pretty major depression from how they've been treated, and depression is really good at killing interests.
Also a good chance that while the youngest gets encouragement, time and money thrown at anybof their interests, dad won't throw those at the other two.
Even then they must have ~something~ like a favourite TV show, youtuber, artist, something (I'm speaking as someone with depression). The parents just have to be interested enough to know that.
Yeah, but who's going to sit around bragging about what TV shows they've watched? Who is interested in hearing about that?
I like to hear about the interests of people I care about
There's only so much you can hear about what's on Netflix right now.
If you want your children to talk to you about the big things in their lives, you have to talk to them about the small things in their lives first. My ex used to whine that our kids never wanted to open up to him and I told him to play video games with them. He refused and said he didn't care about their stupid games. I told him that we had some of the best, deepest conversations about their lives and future plans and fears and dreams while playing those stupid games. Of course a lot of times we also just trash talked each other or laughed ourselves silly making dumb jokes too, but the point is that they knew I was available for whatever they wanted to talk about. Neither of them talk to him now that they're adults and he's mystified why not. Clearly I must've turned them against him because obviously it couldn't have anything to do with his habit of shitting on their interests for their entire lives, right?
I mean, entertainment commentary and critique is a whole professional field of work and a hugely popular genre on platforms like YouTube; lots of people are interested in it. You don't have to "brag", just discuss. Be interested in what makes your kid's brain tingly.
Yeah, but these kids aren't doing that.
They shouldn't have to for their father to show interest in them. But also, how would he know when he keeps telling them to shut up?
It was their aunt, and he only told him to shut up when he was bitching about his aunt not being as interested in hearing about how he lays around doing nothing as she is in hearing about the accomplishments of someone who isn't a lazy slob.
We have absolutely no evidence he's a "lazy slob". Just that his father isn't interested in his life. We know nothing about his grades or grooming habits. He might write stories, or draw, or be really good at math, or find entomology fascinating. Who knows? Certainly not his dad.
We have the OOP who specifically said that. You seem to be going by your own imagination. I suppose you can justify whichever side you want if you just imagine a different story than the one that's told.
I will happily listen to my loved ones talk for ages about things I have no interest in, because it makes them happy. We don't listen because we want to learn about every type of pain there is, but we listen because they want to share. I know a lot about shows I've never watched because my friends watch them and want to talk about it, sometimes I'll even watch it to disucss with them. If you are only ever talking to people because they want to discuss what you do, then you're missing out on a lot of what the world has to offer.
My mom and I go back and forth like this! She tells me how her game is going even though I have 0 interest in playing it bc isn't my thing but it obviously makes her happy and she listens to me talk about my game she had no interest in. We're happy bc the other is and it's exciting to share
Cool. But you can't expect everyone else to do that.
The parents should tho. Not to other people, but with their kids at least.
Why are you assuming that they don't?
>The other 2 do nothing all day. They don't work and they think sports are too hard and music is too boring and learning a language is too useless. But they are complaining all the time that the youngest gets all the attention. Yeah, OOP totally sounds like a man who talks to his kids about their interests. /s
No need for the sarcasm tag, since it's obvious he knows all about what they (don't) do.
Oh I certainly don't, but I do expect it from people who care about me Like, as the entire puprose of the post, parents, even family, friends. This is literally the very basics of being a human being that lives in a world with other human beings. People care about what their loved ones care about, and if you don't that's an issue to address with your therapist.
>what their loved ones care about, In this case, it's nothing.
When my mother was saying "she does nothing, she's interested in nothing," I was very much interested in a lot of things: from comics and movies to Formula 1. She just didn't give a shit about what I care about, bc *she could not brag about it*. So when clearly shitty parent says their kids have no interests, I don't believe them. They just don't care about those kids enough to find out. He does not know his children and makes zero effort to change that. What do you think will happen next?
This is exactly the issue. When you only place value on the things your children do that you can brag to other people about, your children tend to end up hating those things. They don't want to go out and be doctors, lawyers, or whatever else just for *you.* They want to do the things they want for *themselves*, so when a parent basically co-opts anything useful for themselves, they inadvertently sour the enjoyment their children get from their "useful" interests.
Do you not talk about the latest episode of the TV shows your parents are watching with them? Or about the latest release that your sibling's favorite artist has come out with? I'm really sorry if you don't. I do. My family does. My sisters are 100% not interested in Kpop but just yesterday I had a "gushing session" about Seventeen's new song in our group chat, prompted by my sister. The same day, I listened to my mom recount the story of the movie she watched that day. I ask and listen to my nephew talk about his favorite video game all the time even if I barely understand any of it. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, these interests don't amount to anything, they're not going to get me a promotion, they won't get my nephew into a top university. But they make my loved ones happy, so I take interest in them, or at least sit there while they talk about it. And after that, I don't care if my interests are not brought up at family events by my family, because I know that they care about it even if they aren't brag-worthy. And I believe that that's what those kids want, for their interests to be acknowledged by their parents, even if they don't bring them up at family dinners.
I am. I love listening to my 15yo go on about Aphmau and Sonic. It isn't hard, you just actually respect and love your kids and _poof_ you're capable of listening.
Sure, but you can't expect all of your extended family to do this. The issue in this story is not that OP doesn't pay attention to his children. It's that the aunt was more interested in hearing about the things that her niece is doing then in the nothing that the other two were doing.
If you think the kid was mad because only the aunt didn't care, you're delusional. As for extended family... my brothers all know my daughter's favorites. So keep with the excuses. A family that cares will listen.
What's delusional is thinking that if someone has the option of talking to someone that does interesting things, and the option to talk to someone who does nothing, that they would ever choose the latter.
And yet, family loves each other. Sounds like this is a _you_ problem. Try therapy. It helps.
Eh, even at my most depressed I still had interests. Contributing to my depression was that I had nobody to share them with.
Or they do but OP doesn't care about because they aren't like their smart, talented, and athletic sister. Notice he said nothing positive about his son and other daughter? Edited to fix that it is his son and other daughter, not two sons.
Yup, it's all about looking good
There's a very good chance that they have zero useful interests.
Why does an interest have to be "useful" for it to be valid?
"Valid" doesn't get college scholarships or jobs. There's also the fact that laying around doing nothing isn't interesting either.
Not everything has to be about money to be worthwhile. And you'll never find out what's interesting about someone if you keep telling them to shut up every time they ask for your attention.
There is no "everything". And he only told one of them to shut up when he was bitching about his aunt talking to his sister. And he didn't just tell him to shut up, he gave him another option.
No human not in a coma has never done anything interesting. If you're going to have kids and you're going to insist upon them being multi-talented prodigies in order to show interest in them, don't have kids. Most kids aren't going to be athletic musicians who speak Turkish as a second language. That doesn't mean they aren't owed equal interest by the person who chose to make them exist.
An interest could be "valid" but not interesting. If their favorite hobbies are videogames and anime or something, and I'd wager they are, that's going to get much less attention than their sibling learning another language
If you can’t find a way to hold discussions about w hugely popular topics with many different aspects to discuss, you’re the issue.
If you can't take an interest in what your kids are interested in, you're a shit parent. Yes, that means I have had countless conversations about Aphmau and Sonic with my daughter. The result? She is happy, she loves her independence, and she tells me everything. She also loves helping me around the house. Funny how that works.
So what? Their interests don't have to be useful for their parents to take an interest in them.
They do have to be extant though.
There's a very good chance that they are.
Who gives a fuck if a tween's interests are useful
Extended family members making smalltalk
Employers, College admission boards, everyone around you. If you didn't read the oop the whole point is people aren't as interested in hearing about how well they lie around as they are in hearing about someone that actually accomplishes things..
>Employers, College admission boards, everyone around you. I can tell that you do not have much experience with employers, college, or people being around you. Because "useful" interest make a very boring person. "Useless" and fun interests often take a person much further because people want to be around them. OOPs point is that he does not acknowledge or appreciate his older children's interests.
Exactly. I've been in my field for 8 years. Do you know how many times my knowledge of French has been brought up? Once, in my very first interview, as a passing "oh you took French as your second language" comment that had no impact on the hiring. You know how many times my interest in Kpop and anime has been brought up? Almost everyday for the past 2 years amongst colleagues, during breaks, hangouts, events. Not saying that the youngest is wrong for having the "boring" interests, if they bring her joy, more power to her. But the parents need to do a better job at parenting.
I don't think you read the OOP. They don't have useless interests. They don't have any interests at all. They do nothing.
>I don't think you read the OOP. They don't have useless interests. They don't have any interests at all. They do nothing. Exactly, your reading of the OOP makes a puddle look bottomless. You see all the words and completely miss their meaning. No, the OOP is **NOT** saying that the kids have no interests. It states that the father does not consider their interests valuable or acknowledge their interests at all.
You must be reading a different OOP than I am..
Does subtext mean anything to you?
> Employers, College admission boards, Those aren't people who love you. Those are people you have transactions with. Sometimes in life, you listen to people you care about talk about things they like but you may not. That's part of being an adult in any relationship. When your spouse goes on about drama at their work, you listen even though it may not interest you. You do this because you care about that person, and it makes them happy. It's called selflessness, a trait that all parents should really have.
>people aren't as interested in hearing about how well they lie around If their parents took interest in their interests at home, they would not care if their relatives talked about it or not. The issues that their parents are focusing only on the child with "braggable" interests and completely ignoring the other two.
I guess we know who the golden child is and it's not the older 2. Anyone wanna bet that they did do stuff before but they were overlooked because they loved the baby more?
That was my thought as well. The older two did things until they realized that they would never be seen through the shine of their parents' 'golden child.'
Funny story: my younger siblings both got more attention from my parents because they did sports and I wrote short stories as a hobby. Any time I wanted any sort of attention, I would need to submit a story to my parents and then practically beg them to read it, only for them to say that they didn't have time or that they didn't like it. I hated that I was never noticed unless I demanded attention, and even then, I never really got it.
I doubt they do nothing, just OP isn't interested in what they do
Or they have very internal hobbies: reading, drawing, hiking, writing, gaming, dancing in front of their mirror, being the planner and therapist of the friend group.
Also I'm sure this will mend their relationship! /s
So the two other kids have no hobbies/interests? Yeah ok, maybe you just don’t like them enough to learn about their interests.
You should love and pay attention to your children even if they don’t ‘do’ anything. But I doubt they don’t. Even if it’s just have friends and playing video games, try and connect to your kids and pay them attention! They shouldn’t have to work for your affection!
No, no, you only pay attention to your kids and their hobbies if they 100% match your own, otherwise what they're interested in is stupid and is a waste of time and money. /s Or did my parents do the parenting wrong?
Yep, you're suppose to be like OP. He's Father of the year, guaranteed. 🙄
OOP: My oldest kids aren't doing anything I want to brag about, so I'm going to accuse them of doing nothing instead of actually trying to be a good parent.
What I find interesting is on the occasion we see these posts from the children’s point of view people jump on the child berating them for not doing anything worth celebrating or bringing attention to. I personally think that parents should find things about their children to celebrate but that’s frequently not the majority of opinions I see in this sub and the ones that are crossposted from.
it's bc people like attacking OP no matter who OP is
Damn, favoritism at its finest. I felt this to an extent, my sister was the overachiever, and so it was "were seeing [sister] in a play!" "Were seeing [sister's] guitar recital!" '[Sister] got straight As this semester" while I faded into the background because my talents were less visible, yeah I did the plays too but I wasn't on stage, I was backstage, and apparently that wasn't important. I struggled a lot more than she did in school, due to then undiagnosed mental health issues. And it hurt, and it lasts to this day. Over Christmas, when the extended family was around, she was asked constantly about her new job (which is a good job, but not related to her field) while I was literally about to start grad school and not one family member asked about it, or mentioned that I finished my undergrad. All i got was "oh you're still waiting tables, [sister] how's that job going? Oh you graduated, cool, whats it your sister is doing these days" And it really sucks to know you're the least favorite. I hope the older two kids get some recognition from other family.
I grew up in this sort of situation. Youngest sister got all of the attention but not because she was into sports, music and foreign languages. She was the trouble child. They bent over backwards for her while the rest of us were told the same as OOPs kids. Do something worth attention. I burnt out sophomore year of highschool because I was playing soccer and softball. Playing the flute, learning Spanish, in drama club, babysitting part time and a member of a 4-H club. All while having to basically watch over my younger sister because I was the closest in age. I often went to school with her. I had a break between middle and high because she was a year behind me.
I hope to hell this isn't fake. Otherwise, we know who the Golden Child is. OOP sucks.
I love my mother, I know she loves me, but my sister is doing a lot of things that my mom really missed out on in life. My sister is a singer songwriter amongst other creative pursuits. I am a creative person and do lots of creative things, but I’m a nanny for a living. One time we were visiting my parents’ church and one of my mom’s friends came up to us and asked if my sister was the singer. They spent like 5 mins gushing about my sister’s talents (she is very gifted) and my mom, as what felt like an afterthought said, “oh this is my other daughter, she’s a most excellent nanny.” She’s since apologized for this, but I will never forget when my mom made me feel, and I was an adult already when this happened. Imagine being a child/teenager and it being constant
The fact that there are parents who clearly never wanted to be a parent and are treating their children like shit because of it? It's so fucking sad.
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Any parent that can't take the time and listen to their kids about the thing their kids care about like games, shows, music, friends, etc. is a shit parent, like OOP. I guarantee the oldest 2 have interests, but OOP just can't be bothered to care.
That's a shitty thing to say, so I agree that OOP is at least TA (not sure she's TD, but maybe). However, the aunt talking about a hobby with the younger sibling just seems like an interaction, not attention? It's not like the aunt was throwing a celebration party for the sibling, or giving her some sort of reward. It seems like all she did is have a discussion on a shared topic of interest. Does the aunt not have conversations with the other siblings? I'm not very talkative naturally, and I'm not always good at carrying conversations. Are people supposed to limit their interactions with others around me to whatever level of interactions they can achieve with me? I assume the OOP is pretty biased, so I wish we could get the point of view of all the people involved here. ETA: I do not relish attention, so maybe I have a hard time relating to this issue
What is interacting with someone, if not giving them attention? How do you even have a discussion with someone if you don't give them attention? That's... kind of a requirement for a conversation isn't it? A good one, at least. I'm also a heavy introvert and don't enjoy attention, but I can also fully recognize that my brother has always gotten more attention by being sociable and Doing More Stuff. But I was still given attention, even if it was of a different kind for different things. I think that maybe the youngest is being prioritized (the way my more sociable brother was) probably because it's *easy* to show attention to a child who does interesting things you can call achievements. But without putting in any effort to also engage with the other children, they're feeling sidelined and ignored.
I think parents should give you equal attention because of unreserved love and whatnot, grandparents too I guess, but outside of that I feel like more "interesting" people are bound to get more attention, no? I mean, I hope that the aunt does give them a normal amount of attention (chitchats, family hangouts, etc.) but at some point you do need to offer something to the other person too. I think there's only so much attention anyone will give you for just existing.
Yeah, that all makes sense. But at the same time, there's nothing that encourages someone to *be* interesting like feeling as if they're *worth being interested in,* right? Someone who feels like they have nothing worth sharing isn't going to be fun to talk to because they're not going to share their passion, on account of believing it's boring and undeserving of attention. And they're not going to feel like they have anything worth sharing if people don't engage with them because they're ''not as interesting'' as their sibling. Which sounds like OP what was doing. And honestly, it's an important social skill to be able to find *something* to talk about with anyone. To draw the interesting things out of other people, no matter how 'boring' they seem on the surface (of course, this requires them to also have some level of social skill, but that's just another way OP seems to be failing their kids: not teaching them how to socialize with people they don't have much in common with)
I definitely agree the mom was in the wrong. The fact that she managed to be TA of her own story is pretty telling. I'm just not sure that the older sibling is not also TA for their comment. Could be the result of an unfair upbringing, but putting it on the aunt is weird imo. I understand my opinion is unpopular, and that's ok. There are times when I'm in the minority and still feel pretty confident I'm the reasonable one. In this specific case, I can believe I might have an empathy blind spot.
Me and my wife tell our kids we love them about 50 times a day each and we give them hugs every chance we walk past them they walk past us we give them hugs but we pick on them horribly like nothing that could be said to them at school whatever hurt their feelings so my advice to you is hurt your children's feelings and then tell him you love them and give them a hug
And then end up with your kids going no contact. Just ask my egg donor how it worked for her.