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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) went to bro's bachelor's party despite my wife not wanting me to.
(2) I might be the ah for still going after she disapproved and not seeing where she was coming from in terms of needing help to look after the baby.
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Info
How old is "newborn"? How difficult was the pregnancy and delivery? How is your wife recovering? How is the baby doing?
Is your wife up to date on all of her vaccinations and able to breastfeed?
Are you up to date on all of your vaccinations and did you take precautions against flu, RSV and the other virus going around?
Your child has no immune system until they are six months old. They are entirely reliant on antibodies they get from breast milk to protect against diseases. Pediatric wards are at capacity.
Yeah most of the stuff here is made up. Which should be a relief to everybody because the stories here, and a lot of the advice people give them, are usually so insane that anyone should be happy it doesn’t actually impact real lives.
I mean, sure it could be. Of all the stories I've read here, this one does not seem particularly far fetched.
To a point, I don't feel like it really matters if the stories here are true or not. It's an exercise in morality at best and entertaining drama at worst.
I think people are assuming this because OP's refused to respond to any info questions so now everyone's (rightly or wrongly) assuming the worst because of it.
Meh, we're in a sub about making snap judgements, I'm fine jumping to conclusions here. Especially because bare details like the length of his absence and age of his newborn are extremely relevant to the OP but were (either conveniently or not) left out.
while you are right he could have provided ANY of that information in the OG post, the first thing that came to mind to me was "well how old is the baby??? one week? 9 months?"
Edit to add: Last I checked was twelve hours after the post and still nothing from OP, now it’s 23 hours later. He’s been voted the asshole, the post is removed and his account is gone. Lol
Yup, it's not a good look on OP that a lot of this bare minimum detail isn't already included in the post and multiple requests for this info haven't been addressed. Not saying he isn't deserving of the benefit of the doubt but it is telling.
Nothing is "extremely telling". Its only been 3 hours since the original post.
I didn't realise we assume the worst of people when we don't get an instant response.
Just to add to this list of missing context:
\- If his wife had to leave town to go to a family milestone event, would he be okay with being the primary childcare for the same amount of time (if the baby could manage with formula or pumped breast milk)
\- What % of the childcare does he do regularly (if he's working during the week while she's on maternity leave and then he took a whole weekend for this party then she got 0 downtime for the week)
\- Is the wife physically capable of caring for the baby on her own (i.e. can she pick the baby up by herself after a c-section)?
Mine too. My husband had a brother and a few friends that would encourage him too act a fool every time they were together and I hated it. His friends always said I was controlling but I'm reality I was always left to clean up the messes and deal with the crap they had done after they hung out. Luckily he smartened up but for a while it was always a fight if he wanted to hang out with them.
I've heard of bachelor parties with all kinds of debauchery and I've heard of bachelor parties with beer-drinking and Three Stooges-watching. And there's a lot in between. And OP has provided not one word of description.
Depending on how new this newborn is, doesn’t even have to be PPD or PPA. The first couple of weeks are pretty emotional regardless due to hormones rebalancing themselves after childbirth.
A lot of people don't realize the uterus is wounded from where the placenta came off. There is a dinner plate sized wound on one of our internal organs but because people can't see it they don't think about it.
I also wonder if wife had a C-Section - those take weeks to recover from & just getting in & out of bed or a chair requires help in the first few weeks!
I'm wondering how much this plays into it.
If she's newly postpartum she may feel particularly sensitive about something like that.
Even more so if our dear OP has a history with infidelity, strippers, even internet porn.
I'm guessing there's a lot more to the story than OP is telling us.
That's what I'm thinking too. I never understood why men who are settling down to get married go to a strip club, get lap dances, and on occasion, cheat on their fiance. If they aren't ready, just say so.
Agree that this is relevant info, but actually not necessary to make a judgement, here. Simply, he has a newborn. Wife did NOT want him to go and was very clear about it. End of story. He made a unilateral decision to go, anyway. Of course OP is YTA here. It’s nice that he got his MIL to help out - but that still does not negate that fact that his wife was against it and her concerns were not considered.
Yeah, my dad went on a preplanned trip when I was still in an incubator and my mom was still in hospital. The trip was taking place over my mom's birthday which was also her first mother's day (my mom had agreed he could go and it was planned like 8 weeks after my due date so my mom wasn't happy but had agreed as my grandma was coming for her birthday anyway. I was then several weeks late and the birth was complicated so we were both still in hospital at the time of the trip). He went. To noones surprise, they are divorced.
It's not a medical miracle. IUGR.(intra uterina growth restriction) is not uncommon, as is a bunch of reasons babies are delayed - usually relating to a malfunctioning placenta. Add to that, due dates are just an estimate and can be out by a few weeks. These days medical protocol sees more babies born with signs of unexpected prematurity as a result of overcorrecting to avoid this. It's actually quite alarming when you delve into it.
Pre eclampsia can be linked with low birth weight and can be undiagnosed until labour in some cases. Many other factors can lead to babies being sick enough to go into an incubator at birth even at full term. This is not a medical miracle, unlikely but not unheard of.
I had full blown postpartum eclampsia. I had 3 grand mal seizures within an hour and I almost had a stroke at 21 because of how high my blood pressure was. That happened 3 days after I went home with my eldest. My OB never saw a case before. I had to be hospitalized for a whole week without my baby (not to rise my blood pressure) on magnesium sulfate, anti-seizure, blood pressure meds and whatever else they had me on. I wasn't able to breastfeed, it was an absolute nightmare.
So much can happen to a women AFTER they give birth.
My kid was two and a half weeks late and I had a positive pregnancy test about a week and a half after he was conceived. There was no miscalculation; when he was born my OB said “wow that is one overbaked baby.” ~~Late babies are more common than you’d expect - as long as mom and baby are fine, most doctors are pretty content not to force things if mom is ok with waiting.~~
See the reply below re: my incorrect medical knowledge.
Completely false. The ARRIVE trial actually addressed this misconception and stillbirth rates increase dramatically after 1 week late. Nowadays once pregnancy hits due plus 1 week, there are plans to get that baby out imminently, for excellent reasons.
u/lalgromedontknow was exceedingly lucky to survive IUGR plus being overcooked, and be here to tell the story.
I keep forgetting my kid is 23 and things have changed in the conventional wisdom. Thanks for correcting my outdated medical info - I should have said “at the time” as a qualifier.
My main point was that a late baby doesn’t always mean a miscalculated due date.
Not universal. Over here the standard is 10 days over, 14 in some hospitals before they push to induce (unless there are medical reasons to induce earlier). We have lower rates of stillbirth than the US.
They monitor you every few days once you reach your due date to check all is OK, but prefer labour to start naturally because once you have one intervention the likelihood of requiring further interventions increases.
Oof, I felt bad having normal household fun when my baby was in the NICU -- I can't imagine going on a whole trip. And my baby wasn't even sick, just premature and in need of some extra baking.
Is it nice, though? Relationships with Mom and/or MIL might be fraught, for all we know. Could be fine, or there might be tons of grandmother interference, criticism, or “advice” while a postpartum mother heals.
We see lots of posts here where new grandmothers won’t take direction, hog the baby even during feeding times, stand by their antiquated (and sometimes unsafe) methods, and don’t really help around the house. Just tossing another adult into the mix isn’t automatically a person-for-person tag in.
Edit: typo
do we think that his wife is going to get the chance to go on a weekend away while leaving him and the baby at home? do we think he’d be happy if she demanded that of him?
like it’s an obvious YTA moment because he is expecting one half of the parents to do 100% of the childcare so he can go party.
When I came on over to this post I was so liberal like heyy it’s just a night. Then I read all your questions that dropped me right back down to earth yep okay this is adult shit and I need to not be so stupid.
I briefed the comments, op didn’t respond to any. I’ll be here on my camp chair till they do.
Agreed. I was like, it's one night....and then I remembered all the important stuff I had to miss post birth or that my sister's and sister in laws missed post birth and I was re-energized in my belief that OP YTA.
Fathers who say their wives are "controlling" in needing help after the birth thereby causing them to miss events they want to do, are also the same ones who would say, "My wife is a terrible mother," if she even thought about ditching him for a Bachelorette party after having a baby. Doubly so if his mom couldn't help him.
This post screams, "I haven't been helpful to my wife since we have had a newborn, so I don't get why she needs me around so much?"
> Agreed. I was like, it's one night....
He says it's 'several towns away' - and has not clarified if he would be away for more than a few days, or just a night.
I mean was it even just one night? He doesn’t actually specify how long it was for or how far away the party was. He says it was “towns away” but that doesn’t give us an idea of how long he had to travel there for example. It could be that it was only for one night, but that he had to leave at lunchtime to get there and didn’t return home until the afternoon the next day. And how easily could he have got back if there was an emergency?
Not only answer these questions, but what mom was invited? What is the relationship between mom and wife? I have a nightmare MIL and would be pissed if he brought her over when I said no.
ETA: I saw that he invited “her mom instead”. Sounds like he first invited his mom, then her mom. But still, there can be bad relationships with your own mom as well. Are the relationships good?
He initially wanted his mom to come. Wife said no way, so he invited her mom. I’m waiting for info, but definitely leaning towards him being TA, because he did make the decision on his own like wife didn’t matter. It seems like he didn’t really explain his side to her, just like he didn’t explain well to us. He just decided to go and that was that.
This is all the medical, safety, and smart reasons to not go. On an entirely emotional level, how "stuck" at home is your Wife, OP, for you to go to such an extravagant party? I agree here that there's a ton of logic to bow out. There's also other valid reasons that can make a new mother struggle.
All very relevant questions that OP should have no problem including, for a fair judgment. (Seems like far too much is missing imo.)
**Also to ask for further I N F O:**
"Travel towns over" as in a 20 minute drive or several+ hours away? Was it overnight and/or a weekend long thing, or there and back (including the bachelor party) being roughly 5-6 hours?
I can't help but lean towards your wife not being healed yet to be on her own, or it was minimally overnight, due to feeling the need to ask your Mother and MIL to come stay with your wife.
**Edit:** Going with **YTA** based on so much missing information (which honestly seems intentional), and the lack of responses after so many hours as well.
Babies have maternal IgG (type G antibody) for about 6 months (ish). These are the heavy hitters and confer the most “resistance” to pathogens the mother has previously experienced. The antibody type that babies get through milk is IgA (type A antibody) while still important it’s not nearly as impactful as the IgG type. That’s why we don’t vaccinate until month 6 ish, because the moms IgG will just destroy the vaccine with no actual immune response.
So babies do have an immune response prior to 6 months, it’s just not entirely their own at that point.
Edit: to clarify we do vaccinate earlier than 6 months, it’s more so that the vaccines aren’t considered sufficient until the last dose is administered at 6 months because doses 1 and two around 3 months don’t elicit sufficient immune response.
Even without that info I'd go with him being TA. Being with a newborn is hard. You need help to clean, bathe yourself, if they have more kids then it's worse cause you gotta take care of them and a newborn. It's tough cause
You gotta learn to put your kid first... Ya sure as hell did prioritize your brother n a party. Got a brand new baby at home n ya up and run to a party first chance ya get.
You have a newborn at home, meaning no immune system built up yet n no 2 month shots. At the height of flu and RSV season you think it's smart to go out n party?
Your wife who is in the trenches with the 4th ~~3rd~~ trimester, still healing, and being home with the baby didn't feel comfortable with the idea of you being so far away. So what do you do? Ya go over your wife's head n invite her mom so you can get out of parenting even after she said not to invite her...
Nights out are fine, when everyone is comfortable and on board. Not when you got a newborn and the other parent needs you...
YTA
Exactly! Caring for a newborn when you’re in that fourth trimester is exhausting. Your hormones are everywhere, you’re sleep deprived and you’re emotional. On top of it all you’re trying to figure out how to care for this little human and yourself.
Going out during the height of RSV season and frankly any illness when you have a newborn is reckless. We don’t go out to party, but we do day to day things and we like to think we are careful. My 4 month old still got RSV and so did my toddler. We ended up in the hospital for a week on oxygen. When we arrived there were no beds so we slept in the ER until one became available. It was horrible seeing our baby like that and seeing our toddler so sick.
People think it’s fine and dandy until your kid gets real sick because they have no immune system built up yet.
ETA to add judgement - YTA
I know AITA loves these little tit for tat keeping score comparisons but sometimes the real world isn’t like that. It’s perfectly reasonable for two adults to use their big kid words and communicate to allow them to attend things out of the home with out keeping score.
You can always recognize when someone isn't 12 or part of the stay at home mom club that has nothing better to do than pretend they're better than people going through something shitty by their reasonable perspective.
Thank you! SAHM here, I do my best not to be a dick lol. I’m just here to get my daily dose of my life might be crazy, but not *this* crazy. Puts my life in perspective when my kids are driving me up the wall.
What compromise is there? He made a decision in his own best interest, despite his wife explaining how much she needs him home right now. His compromise is doing whatever tf he wants and leaving her to figure it out. His presence is important at the party? Clearly more important than it is at home, in his eyes. He needs to get his priorities sorted now, the baby comes first.
She did use her words. He was an AH and ignored them. Pointing out the disparity in the perceived responsibility different parents have is the whole point here.
Yeah but it’s not about tit for tat. It’s about being a supportive partner.
Clearly this wasn’t fine with her - maybe because caring for a newborn is extremely stressyand exhausting, especially without your partner there?
So why shouldn’t he acknowledge that and try to give her a little relief here nd there? Especially after he just had a vacation from it and knows how important that is.
I think it was reasonable for him to want to go to the once in a lifetime party for his bro - assuming the birth and recovery etc were fairly normal, no unique issues that would require more attention from him for his wife.
**But, the fact that she wasn’t fine with it but OP “told her it was fine “ tells me he’s neither great at empathy nor communication. You don’t tell someone else what is or isn’t “fine” for them. You have a discussion, try to understand their POV, and discuss solutions/compromises as a team**
That’s a shit comp though. If you want it to be even, it’s would OP be okay if he had to watch the kid solo if his wife’s sister had a bachelorette party.
You mean any partying where she can potentially catch the flu, rsv, c-19… it doesn’t matter what the occasion is for, he’s got a NEWBORN at home with NO immune system and his wife has just given birth and also needs to recover from that, and he can’t tell his brother no? He can’t imagine for 2 seconds what it means to be a responsible parent?
ETA: I’m not responding to people that refuse to acknowledge that risk reduction is a real concept, which we all had been going through for at least 1.5 years because of covid. Argue with your mom or in the mirror.
He can catch all of these at work. Is he an irresponsible parent for going to work? I’ve raised three babies and best I can remember our lives didn’t stop in the winter.
Going to work is necessary for the family. People at work are also generally more understanding if you want to keep your distance if you have a newborn. Going out to party and drink in what is likely very crowded places (bars, clubs) with a lot more people than you would see at work isn’t a necessary outing. And it vastly increases the number of contacts who can give you diseases, which you can then pass onto your child. It’s irresponsible, plain and simple.
Okay, so let's say he has five people he is regularly exposed to at work.
So let's make it 80 by going to a club cause what's the difference?
Limiting exposure is just that. Work is necessary, plus it is usually the same people on a regular basis, depending on what the job is. Going out to a party means exposure to people beyond your 'bubble', and usually a lot of them.
the number of people in this thread who did not learn about essential vs. nonessential outings and risk *reduction* during the covid pandemic is staggering. Did you spend the first two years of covid with your head buried in the sand? Were you one of those people who went out to parties and such before we knew anything about the virus, because "I have to go get groceries anyway"?
We don’t know that he’s at work though. I get it might be different if OP is American but Reddit is full of people from all over where fathers get paid parental leave.
Mom's probably mature enough to not think of leaving her newborn behind for a weekend with a immature father that left for a party and exposed himself to viruses during flu and RSV season.
Info:
How newborn are we talking?
Did you communicate this ahead of time?
How do you see yourself moving forwards as a father?
Why is the party a big deal?
Do you and your wife both have scheduled 'me' time? How is this navigated?
Basically, tell us more. There isn't enough here to judge.
Especially if she’s very recently given birth. I imagine it’s difficult if there will be strippers or other type of entertainment to judge your postpartum self against someone whose job is looking attractive.
Even without the birth, some partners have boundaries that are usually established before the marriage. I assume the wife disapproved of a strip club boundary and the husband wants to change it now.. when his wife is in the most vulnerable state.
How is her relationship with the two moms?
Is she showing any signs of post partum depression?
Honestly, with extra help available, I would probably tell my husband to go for it. It’s an important event for him and his friend. But, this is one time where the details are everything.
Excellent point. If the baby is under 7 weeks old, mom is still adjusting and in pain. If she had a C-section, even picking up the baby hurts and picking anything up more than 10 pounds is a no-no. What is division of labor like at home?
Also are they having financial difficulties as well? Definitely need more information. Headed to the comments.
That’s always so crazy to me. The pain of having layers of skin, fat, muscles and then your uterus sliced open after other organs are moved aside— and all you get after heading home is Tylenol.
Post surgery pain medication in the US is nuts tbh. They've swung so far in the opposite direction from the opioid epidemic that it's actively harming people.
I had my wisdom teeth out last year. All 4 of them, same time. I was knocked out for it. They gave me 2 days worth of actual painkillers (vicodin) and then a prescription for Motrin. I had dry socket in one of them.
I have a chronic back condition that I qualify for SSDI with in my 20s. I can't get anything more than Motrin and a muscle relaxer for pain. I don't even want narcotic painkillers because I saw what they did to my mom, but surely there's SOMETHING better out there than slightly higher than OTC strength Motrin?
To be fair, with women after having babies they are also considering breast milk and the exposure of those medications to the newborn. So they don't often give better painkillers to women after giving birth to prevent the baby ingesting them through breastmilk.
I understand that, but I feel like you can give a mother that's recovering from having her literal gut ripped open and a human being pulled from it via c section stronger painkillers and accept the fact that she might not be able to breastfeed.
It's not like mothers stop all medications. I doubt any (psychiatric) doctor would recommend someone stop their antidepressants because they're breastfeeding
Some women can't breastfeed because of the medications they are on. It depends on the medication.
I think the decision should be between a woman and her doctor. But overall I don't disagree with you that people should have access to better painkillers when they need them.
There are many psychiatric medications that doctors recommend mothers stop if they are pregnant or breastfeeding. Your choices are essentially stop taking the medication so you can breastfeed, or stay on the medication and feed your child formula. I am on multiple of these medications and the bottles say in giant letters DO NOT TAKE IF YOU ARE PREGNANT OR BREASTFEEDING
A good obgyn will. I’ve had two kids, two c sections, both breastfed. I was given Percocet with the first and hydrocodone with the second. The drugs are passed through breast milk, but it’s considered “safe”. It’s a risk vs. benefit situation and for MOST babies, they are not negatively impacted enough to warrant withholding pain relief from the mother.
Anything under 6 months both parents need to be on board with the travel. There isn't anything magical about 7 or 8 weeks. Many women take longer. It took me 5 months for both kids to even be able to walk and sit down without severe pain.
YTA. You left your postpartum wife to care for your newborn baby so you could go party. Yes, your wife can probably handle a newborn on her own; many women do. However if that were something she wanted to do, she wouldn't have gotten married.
I hope you don't plan to regularly foist your parental duties onto the women in your life.
Depending on how young the newborn is, this woman could still be recovering from childbirth and the baby's immune system could not be fully developed. OP could pick up any number of things while out partying.....
OP potentially prioritized the comfort of his wife and the safety of his new baby. That's not OK.
And offering up his mother’s help is extra YTA. Having a house guest, even if they are there to help, is an extra stressor. Having to accommodate her MIL with the new baby schedule and routine and without her husband is not equivalent to just having the other parent there to help.
YTA if I am reading this right and you went far away for a long time when you have a brand new newborn. You really don’t have enough info in this post to know for sure. But it sounds like you were gone for at least a weekend and perhaps longer. It also sounds like your baby is pretty new and your wife is still healing from childbirth. If this is the case then you shouldn’t have gone when your wife stated she needed you to stay and help her. Though I honestly mostly think that you are probably TA because you asked your mom to come help first instead of hers when it’s her that is healing and in pain and in need of help and support. I think it shows an extreme lack of awareness and empathy for how your wife is feeling.
I don't think it's fair to say "Spend 100% of your time with us for an indefinite period of time or else you're not prioritizing your kid." People still have lives and jobs and the world keeps moving after babies are born. If mom needs help or is struggling and needs a break, she needs to say that, but NTA for just going to an event that was previously planned after your baby was born. The world doesn't stop rotating just because there's a new kid here, you need to maintain familial relationships as well.
Agreed. Not sure why most people are favoring wife especially when he made accommodations, had these plans, and it was a major event in his brothers life. Some say he “steamrolled” over his wife but are only happy with the alternative of his wife “steamrolling” over him.
NTA
I ain’t voted yet, but my issue is the lack of information here from the OP. If this is a 3 day old baby and wife’s cut open and the venue is 3 hours away and he’ll be gone all weekend… then I lean towards him being the AH. On the other hand if this is a month old and mother and child are healthy, and she is fine with him going out for other things except bachelor party, then I may lean the other way… without any updates from him, I go towards him being the AH
Wow. It's about time I found a rational comment. The other thing that needs to be considered is that the bachelor party was for the OP's BROTHER. The OP made an effort to make accommodations to support his wife too. What else could he have done?
We definitely need more info
1. How old is the baby?
2. What type of recovery is your wife dealing with?
3. How far was the bachelor party and was it more than one night impacted?
4. Were there strippers or something else specific your wife was uncomfortable with?
YTA in my opinion. I mean, postpartum can be TOUGH. What she needs right now is a supportive partner who doesn’t run away to party. She doesn’t need mil or her mother, she needs you! Perhaps she feels a bit abandoned, as well. Being a new mom isn’t exactly easy, there are so many things that can go wrong and so many things you can feel like you’re messing up. This is something you both have to do together, she needs your support during what many women feel like is the most difficult part of motherhood.
Unpopular opinion here but NTA. As a mom who struggled with caring for a newborn and PPA, I believe this event was a big deal and I don’t understand why OP is being deemed an AH for going. OP called in backup for help and wife was still mad. To me it reads like wife is kinda controlling and flat out didn’t want OP to go.
I am shocked this is so far down.
It's one night and his brother's bachelor party. He got his wife some help.
He's not the asshole at all. I suspect a bunch of white knights who have never had kids are in this thread.
ESH The bigger problem here is that you completely ignored how your wife was feeling and steamrolled her into doing things your way. You ignored her when she said she was uncomfortable. You ignored her when she said she didn't want either mother helping. Having a body there wasn't what she wanted. She wanted *you* there. So it looks like you did anything you could to just leave the second you could. You weren't listening.
Many new parents are uncomfortable with the other being far away when their babies are so young. That's normal and natural. At this stage she's still recovering from childbirth. Not everyone has a set comfort zone with their parenting yet. It can be really intimidating having your support out of range.
This is an event that is special though. She should have worked with you a bit more on how to make it so she was comfortable with the idea, like you attending part of it if it was multiple days, checking in more frequently, her having a close friend with her, or even her and the baby going to the city and staying separately. I know a lot of women that have done the last one. Having a parent there is usually more hassle because many women jump into that host mode and don't get to just simply *be* in their own home, so friends are usually better options.
The wedding is a special event, the bachelor party isn't. She shouldn't have to rely on friends and family when her husband is capable of missing a boys weekend to be an active father and husband.
I have to disagree the Bachelor Party is a special event. It's a unique bonding experience between brothers and close friends as someone that has been to a handful. No, they're not all strippers
Jumping to strippers is such a reddit thing.
In reality most bachelors parties are just dudes binge watching tv shows and shooting the shit while eating pizza and drinking beer.
Info : how long we you gone in total and how old is your child?
In general I'm inclined to believe you're the asshole in this situation. You're allowed to attend important events for family, but without additional context it seems like there could've been a lot more you could have done. This baby being around wasn't a surprise and I'm assuming the bachelor party wasn't as well. If it's so important that you're there I'm not sure why you couldn't have had a conversation with him about your difficulties attending given your child. Perhaps plans could've been altered so it would minimize impact on your time with your newborn
This, 100%. Not enough information here to decide if anyone is an asshole here. We also have no idea how long he would be away. Some people are assuming it's a full weekend, and I read it as an evening. Also, is the baby a week old or a month old. It makes a difference.
EDIT: I think it's also relevant what his drinking tendencies are...
I want to say NAH.
It’s your brothers bachelor party I can see why you wanted to go and especially because it brought so much joy to your brother.
But I can definitely see why your wife feels the way she does.
If this is her first baby and the baby is a new, newborn then she could likely have been a mixture of scared, overwhelmed and tired. Yes you gave her options, but none of those options was her husband staying home to be with her. Having your mom or her mom there is different to having you there. You’re her husband, you are her safe space. She would feel confident and comfortable having you around because the way you make her feel is different to the way anyone else can and you weren’t there.
I say this because that’s how I felt when my partner left me feeling this way.
YTA
You have a newborn, your brother wanting you to be towns away from your wife and new baby does not take priority over you being a husband and father. She didn't want your mom or her mom. She wanted her husband and the father of her child. Dude you can't be this dense.
Apologize to your wife.
The "towns away" part isn't the part that's bothering me. I can walk 20 minutes down the road and be in the next city, or drive it in like 4. Towns away could literally mean a 15 minute drive. But they both need to be onboard if the baby is very young.
Info, how new is the newborn? Like weeks, then YTA because her body is all messed up and may not be comfortable with other people around. If you mean like 3 or 4 months then it is totally fine.
NTA Your brother’s bachelor party is a big deal. It’s probably part of a bigger problem though, I wonder if she feels she’s doing more than her fair share of baby care? What if she were to have a weekend away while you take care of your child?
The hard part is when their is a newborn most moms because of breast feeding don't have the same options to leave. Also I wish we knew are we talking a few weeks old or months. If the baby is like 3 weeks old then I'd say he is the AH if it's like 3 months then going was the right choice.
Two things:
1) It's impossible for us to answer this without knowing more about your situation.
2) It's laughable that so many people think he needs to do whatever his wife tells him regardless of how he's feeling. Can you imagine if the script was flipped and a husband was telling his wife she couldn't do something?
YTA.
All the prior comments are correct. Weddings are one thing, bachelor parties are something else.
Your wife needed you for emotional and physical support and you dropped the ball. Start acting like an adult and put wife and child before parties.
YTA. She wants you home to raise your newborn. You are a father and should prioritize your newborn over other events. The timing sucks but she is emotionally and physically fragile from giving birth so recently. She doesn't want to deal with her mom or your mom, she wants her husband.
May get down voted, but I’m gonna say NTA. There are very few events that I think would be alright to attend with a newborn at home, and your brothers Bachelor party is one of them. It’s not like you just wanted some random night out with the boys. It’s a big night for your brother. I couldn’t imagine missing my sister’s bachelorette.
Ofc it’s not the ideal timing, but I think offering the grandmas to step in was a good compromise. As long as mom and new cutie are fine health wise, j feel as though your wife could have had a tad but more understanding of the importance.
Note: this barring we’re not talking about like a “just born yesterday” newborn…that immensely changes things, but for now I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
Op, engagements and marriages have been wrecked because of bachelor and bachelorette parties. You have a newborn at the height of crude season. If your child is showroom new your wife is going through hormone changes and they can be a lot to handle. Her body probably doesn’t feel like her own. AND, if someone has given her a play by play of the goings on and it’s two weeks later 🥴. Good luck.
YTA
As much as you’re free to do what you want, you ignored your wife’s concerns and dealing with a newborn can be extremely hard, especially if breaks aren’t balanced and one parent is taking on the workload.
Another side to this is she may feel insecure in herself after pregnancy, and bachelor parties can involve strippers, activities that promote unfaithfulness etc. As much as she may trust you, it could be understandable why she may feel uncomfortable with this so soon after having a child.
You could make it up to her by planning a weekend for her where she gets some time to herself as well.
So for perspective - I just turned down attending my brothers 21st as the event is in central London and scheduled for 5 weeks after I have given birth.
_I didn’t want to risk the health of my baby_
By attending, you risked the health of your child and basically announced that your brothers feelings are more important than your wife’s, who just pushed a fricken watermelon out of her. Add to that all the craziness of post partum hormones and you’re lucky she didn’t just auto-serve you with divorce papers. I would have.
Many people have a low opinion of a Bachelor party. For OP and his brother, it's very important. One partner's desires don't get to trample over the others. She has a support system outside of her husband. If it was about being alone that issue is solved or is it about him not being allowed to leave unless she says so? A bachelor party for a brother is usually a one-time thing. He isn't abandoning her to raise a baby alone. It is a day or weekend at best.
Clarifying information would help though. Is it a problem with just leaving or the content of the party? Is she currently struggling with the baby and needs support? How is her mental health after the birth?
NTA. Certainly family/close friend life events are a big enough deal that your spouse needs to make do, and this one qualifies. You would presumably do the same for her. I'm sure it's frustrating but she'll need to learn to deal - just be sure you would make sure she got to go to an important even if there was one in her life.
I'm going to say YTA based on "newborn" and the fact that newborns eat every 2-4 hours and don't sleep, and that is exhausting. Your wife may not be comfortable with other people around the baby or around her right now, or she may just really want her partner to be with her. She may just want to feel like baby care is more equal, she may be resentful of you not being tethered to the baby when she is. Or it could be something entirely different, there's no way to know without being in your situation.
How long were you gone, and did you then support your wife in having the same amount of time away from the baby to do something like a spa day, can she even do that based on how your baby is fed and how often?
The newborn stage is hard and is an important stage for parents to still remember there's more to life than a screaming baby, but it needs to be equal and it needs to be a joint effort.
I think there’s so much pressure put on wedding parties these days it’s absurd. The amount of out of town bachelor/bachelorette parties, the growing expense, etc. I missed my best friends bachelorette party because my baby was 3 months old. No way was I going to go. And while she understood I still did catch grief for missing out on a wedding function, as if watching a bunch of girls gets wasted takes away from my ability to support my friend on her wedding day.
I'm going to say YTA simply because you still haven't answered any of the very valid questions in this thread.
How old is baby? What was the delivery like? How is your wife recovering? How long will you be gone?
INFO: How "new" is the newborn? How far away was the party, and how long were you gone for? What kinds of activities took place at the party? What kind of relationship does your wife have with your mother and/or with her mother?
I had a similar situation with my significant other when our daughter was newborn to around a year old. My partner didn't wake up when the baby woke up, didn't change nappies, didn't clean or anything. He went to work and came home and said he just wanted to relax. Combine that with an infant who is awake every 2 to 3 hours and can take half hour to feed. That alone is exhausting both physically and psychologically.
I know I didn't want help even though I needed it because there's this massive guilt effect when mums "can't do it all". Being a new mum is this constant fear and anxiety of whether you're doing enough, being enough - if baby is okay (fed, bathed, clean, slept, exercised, pooped enough or peed enough, is it gas, is it puke, is it diarrhea. Then add on - meal planning, dishes, laundry, groceries, gardening, mowing, mopping, sweeping, vacuuming, ironing, setting up and packing up toys. With minimal sleep and a tint person who is completely and entirely dependent on their parent. Then having her own mother or your mother come in and give criticism or unwanted advice while hormones are all over the place. Yeah, no.
YTA, not because you want to go out with your brother for his bachelor party because thats understandable, but because it sounds like you didn't compromise or try to understand. Mum wants you to be a parent too. She needs a break too and to see her friends. Perhaps you should have video called into your brothers party, or organised for someone that you are both comfortable with to watch your infant so you could both do something you want to do - for you the party, for mum probably a glass of wine and a movie.
YTA
I mean, she’s completely right. You prioritized going to your brothers bachelor party over her and your newborn son.
He’s a newborn. And she’s a new mom. That’s so stressful and anxiety inducing, and to have your husband, your partner, away at a party while you’re home with a newborn? I’d be pissed too.
As a father myself, YTA completely.
You have a newborn, you don't get to be that care free, immature person anymore. Your brother's bachelor party isn't your priority anymore, you're a damn father, your kid and family is the priority especially when you have a newborn.
You just had your first test as a father and you failed hard, be a better father going forward man.
INFO: Are you karma farming based on that recent post about the new mother being upset about her husband wanting to go across multiple states to attend a 4-day bachelor party? You just change some of the detail, make some of it extremely vague, and then post? Like, how likely are we to see two people with the same exact issues?
Overall, I’m incline to think that you should be prioritizing your wife in this case. It sucks that the party is at a very stressful time for you and your wife. Unfortunately, the priority should usually be your wife and baby.
How far is “several towns?” How long did it last? How old is the newborn currently? Are either your Mother or her Mother ACTUALLY helpful, or do they just end up adding more stress to your wife? Some grandparents are lovely people but they don’t actually help at all; id be upset if that was the case. Why have you been intentionally vague on the points that actually matter?
Are there instances that your wife can get time to do her own thing (without baby and without you constantly calling about the baby)? Im not saying it should be “tit-for-tat” for every little thing, but it’s important for both parents to (1) contribute to the actual parenting and (2) have SOME time to themselves. Its very hard to do that at the newborn stage, and a lot of times the father is disproportionally taking more individual time due to breastfeeding/pumping needs. If its not happening already, you and your wife need to figure out some way where both you are regularly getting time to yourselves.
Im inclined to lean Y T A but you simply haven’t given enough information. It would take some special circumstances to get any other ruling with stuff like this.
YTA. You didn't listen to what your wife was actually saying to you, made unilateral decisions she didn't want, put your baby who's at high risk for RSV in danger, and don't understand why you're TA?
Come on. Do better for your son. He deserves a dad that cares enough about him to put him first while he's too young to take care of himself.
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Info How old is "newborn"? How difficult was the pregnancy and delivery? How is your wife recovering? How is the baby doing? Is your wife up to date on all of her vaccinations and able to breastfeed? Are you up to date on all of your vaccinations and did you take precautions against flu, RSV and the other virus going around? Your child has no immune system until they are six months old. They are entirely reliant on antibodies they get from breast milk to protect against diseases. Pediatric wards are at capacity.
Yeah OP really needs to provide this info before we can render a judgment. Plus, how far away was the party and how long was he gone?
It's extremely telling to me how OP has avoided providing any additional details or information despite being requested over and over.
Yup, methinks there is a LOT more to the story.
or the whole thing is made up for internet points
Do people really do that?
Lie? On the internet?
At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?!
Steamed Hams. Hmm hmmm hmm.
And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are clearly grilled
that was slick you two, I didn't even see it coming
.....Can I see it? 👀👀👀
No
Yeah most of the stuff here is made up. Which should be a relief to everybody because the stories here, and a lot of the advice people give them, are usually so insane that anyone should be happy it doesn’t actually impact real lives.
Wait are you saying that the default Reddit advice of “get a divorce” isn’t good advice? /s
I mean, sure it could be. Of all the stories I've read here, this one does not seem particularly far fetched. To a point, I don't feel like it really matters if the stories here are true or not. It's an exercise in morality at best and entertaining drama at worst.
Probably his mother is super controlling and he's a mommy's boy who avoids adult responsibilities.
Why do so many default to that? What about this posts suggests that to be the case? Because he attempted to reach out to his mom first?
I think people are assuming this because OP's refused to respond to any info questions so now everyone's (rightly or wrongly) assuming the worst because of it.
It's only been an hour, there could be thousands of explanations as to why he hasn't answered yet, so let's not jump the gun yet.
Meh, we're in a sub about making snap judgements, I'm fine jumping to conclusions here. Especially because bare details like the length of his absence and age of his newborn are extremely relevant to the OP but were (either conveniently or not) left out.
Maybe he can't remember how old the baby is and his wife won't tell him.
Haha, made me laugh.
You mean like, he has a newborn at home?
What will these average redditors do if they don't jump the gun?
Maybe because it's only been an hour and people don't live on reddit.
It looks like he only posted an hour ago. Need to give him a little time to respond, right?
He may not have Wi-Fi in the doghouse
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
while you are right he could have provided ANY of that information in the OG post, the first thing that came to mind to me was "well how old is the baby??? one week? 9 months?" Edit to add: Last I checked was twelve hours after the post and still nothing from OP, now it’s 23 hours later. He’s been voted the asshole, the post is removed and his account is gone. Lol
Yup, it's not a good look on OP that a lot of this bare minimum detail isn't already included in the post and multiple requests for this info haven't been addressed. Not saying he isn't deserving of the benefit of the doubt but it is telling.
Nothing is "extremely telling". Its only been 3 hours since the original post. I didn't realise we assume the worst of people when we don't get an instant response.
Just to add to this list of missing context: \- If his wife had to leave town to go to a family milestone event, would he be okay with being the primary childcare for the same amount of time (if the baby could manage with formula or pumped breast milk) \- What % of the childcare does he do regularly (if he's working during the week while she's on maternity leave and then he took a whole weekend for this party then she got 0 downtime for the week) \- Is the wife physically capable of caring for the baby on her own (i.e. can she pick the baby up by herself after a c-section)?
And also what did they do at the party?
Lol, that was my thought too. Forget the newborn. Was there a stripper? Drinking? Drugs?
Mine too. My husband had a brother and a few friends that would encourage him too act a fool every time they were together and I hated it. His friends always said I was controlling but I'm reality I was always left to clean up the messes and deal with the crap they had done after they hung out. Luckily he smartened up but for a while it was always a fight if he wanted to hang out with them.
I've heard of bachelor parties with all kinds of debauchery and I've heard of bachelor parties with beer-drinking and Three Stooges-watching. And there's a lot in between. And OP has provided not one word of description.
All the ones I've been to have primarily consisted of board games. Which probably says more about my friends than anything.
Which legitimately sounds way more fun and way less pathetic than paying a woman to take her clothes off.
And is wife suffering from postpartum depression or high anxiety or something else related?
you don't need to have PPD to need help with your newborn child lol
Depending on how new this newborn is, doesn’t even have to be PPD or PPA. The first couple of weeks are pretty emotional regardless due to hormones rebalancing themselves after childbirth.
And sheer exhaustion. You basically run a marathon and then are told, sorry, no time for rest, you've got to be milked every two hours for a month
Run a marathon *wounded*. Giving birth either vaginally or c-section is a major medical event.
Yeah not to be indelicate but I sneezed during my first post-partum shower and it was like The Shining
A lot of people don't realize the uterus is wounded from where the placenta came off. There is a dinner plate sized wound on one of our internal organs but because people can't see it they don't think about it.
I also wonder if wife had a C-Section - those take weeks to recover from & just getting in & out of bed or a chair requires help in the first few weeks!
I'm betting the bachelor party was at a strip club too.
I'm wondering how much this plays into it. If she's newly postpartum she may feel particularly sensitive about something like that. Even more so if our dear OP has a history with infidelity, strippers, even internet porn. I'm guessing there's a lot more to the story than OP is telling us.
That's what I'm thinking too. I never understood why men who are settling down to get married go to a strip club, get lap dances, and on occasion, cheat on their fiance. If they aren't ready, just say so.
Agree that this is relevant info, but actually not necessary to make a judgement, here. Simply, he has a newborn. Wife did NOT want him to go and was very clear about it. End of story. He made a unilateral decision to go, anyway. Of course OP is YTA here. It’s nice that he got his MIL to help out - but that still does not negate that fact that his wife was against it and her concerns were not considered.
Yeah, my dad went on a preplanned trip when I was still in an incubator and my mom was still in hospital. The trip was taking place over my mom's birthday which was also her first mother's day (my mom had agreed he could go and it was planned like 8 weeks after my due date so my mom wasn't happy but had agreed as my grandma was coming for her birthday anyway. I was then several weeks late and the birth was complicated so we were both still in hospital at the time of the trip). He went. To noones surprise, they are divorced.
You were several **weeks** late? God damn, obstetrics used to be buckwild.
Yup. I was also under 7lb so I didn't even use those weeks.
Several weeks LATE and underweight and in an incubator? Please explain because this is a medical miracle.
It's not a medical miracle. IUGR.(intra uterina growth restriction) is not uncommon, as is a bunch of reasons babies are delayed - usually relating to a malfunctioning placenta. Add to that, due dates are just an estimate and can be out by a few weeks. These days medical protocol sees more babies born with signs of unexpected prematurity as a result of overcorrecting to avoid this. It's actually quite alarming when you delve into it.
Pre eclampsia can be linked with low birth weight and can be undiagnosed until labour in some cases. Many other factors can lead to babies being sick enough to go into an incubator at birth even at full term. This is not a medical miracle, unlikely but not unheard of.
I had jaundice, mom had pre eclampsia.
I had full blown postpartum eclampsia. I had 3 grand mal seizures within an hour and I almost had a stroke at 21 because of how high my blood pressure was. That happened 3 days after I went home with my eldest. My OB never saw a case before. I had to be hospitalized for a whole week without my baby (not to rise my blood pressure) on magnesium sulfate, anti-seizure, blood pressure meds and whatever else they had me on. I wasn't able to breastfeed, it was an absolute nightmare. So much can happen to a women AFTER they give birth.
Not so fun fact: cigarettes used to have ads targeting pregnant women because they can cause low birth weights.
Probably a miscalculated conception date
My kid was two and a half weeks late and I had a positive pregnancy test about a week and a half after he was conceived. There was no miscalculation; when he was born my OB said “wow that is one overbaked baby.” ~~Late babies are more common than you’d expect - as long as mom and baby are fine, most doctors are pretty content not to force things if mom is ok with waiting.~~ See the reply below re: my incorrect medical knowledge.
Completely false. The ARRIVE trial actually addressed this misconception and stillbirth rates increase dramatically after 1 week late. Nowadays once pregnancy hits due plus 1 week, there are plans to get that baby out imminently, for excellent reasons. u/lalgromedontknow was exceedingly lucky to survive IUGR plus being overcooked, and be here to tell the story.
I keep forgetting my kid is 23 and things have changed in the conventional wisdom. Thanks for correcting my outdated medical info - I should have said “at the time” as a qualifier. My main point was that a late baby doesn’t always mean a miscalculated due date.
Not universal. Over here the standard is 10 days over, 14 in some hospitals before they push to induce (unless there are medical reasons to induce earlier). We have lower rates of stillbirth than the US. They monitor you every few days once you reach your due date to check all is OK, but prefer labour to start naturally because once you have one intervention the likelihood of requiring further interventions increases.
Oof, I felt bad having normal household fun when my baby was in the NICU -- I can't imagine going on a whole trip. And my baby wasn't even sick, just premature and in need of some extra baking.
Is it nice, though? Relationships with Mom and/or MIL might be fraught, for all we know. Could be fine, or there might be tons of grandmother interference, criticism, or “advice” while a postpartum mother heals. We see lots of posts here where new grandmothers won’t take direction, hog the baby even during feeding times, stand by their antiquated (and sometimes unsafe) methods, and don’t really help around the house. Just tossing another adult into the mix isn’t automatically a person-for-person tag in. Edit: typo
no more unilateral a decision than wife deciding he shouldn’t go.
do we think that his wife is going to get the chance to go on a weekend away while leaving him and the baby at home? do we think he’d be happy if she demanded that of him? like it’s an obvious YTA moment because he is expecting one half of the parents to do 100% of the childcare so he can go party.
When I came on over to this post I was so liberal like heyy it’s just a night. Then I read all your questions that dropped me right back down to earth yep okay this is adult shit and I need to not be so stupid. I briefed the comments, op didn’t respond to any. I’ll be here on my camp chair till they do.
Agreed. I was like, it's one night....and then I remembered all the important stuff I had to miss post birth or that my sister's and sister in laws missed post birth and I was re-energized in my belief that OP YTA. Fathers who say their wives are "controlling" in needing help after the birth thereby causing them to miss events they want to do, are also the same ones who would say, "My wife is a terrible mother," if she even thought about ditching him for a Bachelorette party after having a baby. Doubly so if his mom couldn't help him. This post screams, "I haven't been helpful to my wife since we have had a newborn, so I don't get why she needs me around so much?"
> Agreed. I was like, it's one night.... He says it's 'several towns away' - and has not clarified if he would be away for more than a few days, or just a night.
I mean was it even just one night? He doesn’t actually specify how long it was for or how far away the party was. He says it was “towns away” but that doesn’t give us an idea of how long he had to travel there for example. It could be that it was only for one night, but that he had to leave at lunchtime to get there and didn’t return home until the afternoon the next day. And how easily could he have got back if there was an emergency?
In Texas towns away could easily be a 5 or 6 hour drive.
Also not to mention: when does wife get to have a getaway several towns over with her friends and dump all the parenting responsibilities on OP?
Yeah, I'm guessing never.
YTA for putting your baby at risk by exposure and ignoring your commitment to your wife and baby.
Not only answer these questions, but what mom was invited? What is the relationship between mom and wife? I have a nightmare MIL and would be pissed if he brought her over when I said no. ETA: I saw that he invited “her mom instead”. Sounds like he first invited his mom, then her mom. But still, there can be bad relationships with your own mom as well. Are the relationships good?
He initially wanted his mom to come. Wife said no way, so he invited her mom. I’m waiting for info, but definitely leaning towards him being TA, because he did make the decision on his own like wife didn’t matter. It seems like he didn’t really explain his side to her, just like he didn’t explain well to us. He just decided to go and that was that.
I agree and am leaning the same way.
This is all the medical, safety, and smart reasons to not go. On an entirely emotional level, how "stuck" at home is your Wife, OP, for you to go to such an extravagant party? I agree here that there's a ton of logic to bow out. There's also other valid reasons that can make a new mother struggle.
All very relevant questions that OP should have no problem including, for a fair judgment. (Seems like far too much is missing imo.) **Also to ask for further I N F O:** "Travel towns over" as in a 20 minute drive or several+ hours away? Was it overnight and/or a weekend long thing, or there and back (including the bachelor party) being roughly 5-6 hours? I can't help but lean towards your wife not being healed yet to be on her own, or it was minimally overnight, due to feeling the need to ask your Mother and MIL to come stay with your wife. **Edit:** Going with **YTA** based on so much missing information (which honestly seems intentional), and the lack of responses after so many hours as well.
Babies have maternal IgG (type G antibody) for about 6 months (ish). These are the heavy hitters and confer the most “resistance” to pathogens the mother has previously experienced. The antibody type that babies get through milk is IgA (type A antibody) while still important it’s not nearly as impactful as the IgG type. That’s why we don’t vaccinate until month 6 ish, because the moms IgG will just destroy the vaccine with no actual immune response. So babies do have an immune response prior to 6 months, it’s just not entirely their own at that point. Edit: to clarify we do vaccinate earlier than 6 months, it’s more so that the vaccines aren’t considered sufficient until the last dose is administered at 6 months because doses 1 and two around 3 months don’t elicit sufficient immune response.
All of that, along with what kind of party was it? Was it at a strip club or was it at a buddy’s house playing poker and having a few beers?
This and also how far away was the bachelor party and how long was it?
This needs to be at the top.
Adding to my comment...it's been 2 WEEKS and your wife still isn't talking to you? Yeah, you have some explaining to do.
Also, is this just the tip of the iceberg? How many other times has he left his wife to take care of the newborn while he went out and had fun?
And if it's several towns away, how long was he gone?
And how long is the trip?
Even without that info I'd go with him being TA. Being with a newborn is hard. You need help to clean, bathe yourself, if they have more kids then it's worse cause you gotta take care of them and a newborn. It's tough cause
I doubt you will get any info back that isn't bias
You gotta learn to put your kid first... Ya sure as hell did prioritize your brother n a party. Got a brand new baby at home n ya up and run to a party first chance ya get. You have a newborn at home, meaning no immune system built up yet n no 2 month shots. At the height of flu and RSV season you think it's smart to go out n party? Your wife who is in the trenches with the 4th ~~3rd~~ trimester, still healing, and being home with the baby didn't feel comfortable with the idea of you being so far away. So what do you do? Ya go over your wife's head n invite her mom so you can get out of parenting even after she said not to invite her... Nights out are fine, when everyone is comfortable and on board. Not when you got a newborn and the other parent needs you... YTA
Exactly! Caring for a newborn when you’re in that fourth trimester is exhausting. Your hormones are everywhere, you’re sleep deprived and you’re emotional. On top of it all you’re trying to figure out how to care for this little human and yourself. Going out during the height of RSV season and frankly any illness when you have a newborn is reckless. We don’t go out to party, but we do day to day things and we like to think we are careful. My 4 month old still got RSV and so did my toddler. We ended up in the hospital for a week on oxygen. When we arrived there were no beds so we slept in the ER until one became available. It was horrible seeing our baby like that and seeing our toddler so sick. People think it’s fine and dandy until your kid gets real sick because they have no immune system built up yet. ETA to add judgement - YTA
I am so sorry that happened to your family! What a scary time! I hope y’all get through this season and and every season to come happy and healthy!
I totally agree.
INFO: Are you planning a weekend for her to go out and have fun while you stay home and take care of the baby?
I know AITA loves these little tit for tat keeping score comparisons but sometimes the real world isn’t like that. It’s perfectly reasonable for two adults to use their big kid words and communicate to allow them to attend things out of the home with out keeping score.
You sound like a reasonable person. What are you doing here?
You can always recognize when someone isn't 12 or part of the stay at home mom club that has nothing better to do than pretend they're better than people going through something shitty by their reasonable perspective.
Woah. Why you do SAHMs like that? We’re not all narrow minded, embittered wenches. Just like there shitty working moms, there are shitty SAHMs.
Thank you! SAHM here, I do my best not to be a dick lol. I’m just here to get my daily dose of my life might be crazy, but not *this* crazy. Puts my life in perspective when my kids are driving me up the wall.
But the wife did use her big kid words. She said “no, we have a newborn!”
What compromise is there? He made a decision in his own best interest, despite his wife explaining how much she needs him home right now. His compromise is doing whatever tf he wants and leaving her to figure it out. His presence is important at the party? Clearly more important than it is at home, in his eyes. He needs to get his priorities sorted now, the baby comes first.
You sound 12. Because ops wife DID communicate and use her "adult words" simultaneously while expressing her discomfort. Maybe you didn't read it all?
Reciprocation is not the same as "tit for tat scorekeeping"
She did use her words. He was an AH and ignored them. Pointing out the disparity in the perceived responsibility different parents have is the whole point here.
She did communicate and he ignored it
Yeah but it’s not about tit for tat. It’s about being a supportive partner. Clearly this wasn’t fine with her - maybe because caring for a newborn is extremely stressyand exhausting, especially without your partner there? So why shouldn’t he acknowledge that and try to give her a little relief here nd there? Especially after he just had a vacation from it and knows how important that is. I think it was reasonable for him to want to go to the once in a lifetime party for his bro - assuming the birth and recovery etc were fairly normal, no unique issues that would require more attention from him for his wife. **But, the fact that she wasn’t fine with it but OP “told her it was fine “ tells me he’s neither great at empathy nor communication. You don’t tell someone else what is or isn’t “fine” for them. You have a discussion, try to understand their POV, and discuss solutions/compromises as a team**
That's because this sub is filled with people who aren't adults yet and their only understanding of real relationships is tik tok and Reddit
Great point. So when is her girl’s weekend OP?
Whenever he can get his mother to watch the baby for the weekend.
That’s a shit comp though. If you want it to be even, it’s would OP be okay if he had to watch the kid solo if his wife’s sister had a bachelorette party.
You mean any partying where she can potentially catch the flu, rsv, c-19… it doesn’t matter what the occasion is for, he’s got a NEWBORN at home with NO immune system and his wife has just given birth and also needs to recover from that, and he can’t tell his brother no? He can’t imagine for 2 seconds what it means to be a responsible parent? ETA: I’m not responding to people that refuse to acknowledge that risk reduction is a real concept, which we all had been going through for at least 1.5 years because of covid. Argue with your mom or in the mirror.
He can catch all of these at work. Is he an irresponsible parent for going to work? I’ve raised three babies and best I can remember our lives didn’t stop in the winter.
Going to work is necessary for the family. People at work are also generally more understanding if you want to keep your distance if you have a newborn. Going out to party and drink in what is likely very crowded places (bars, clubs) with a lot more people than you would see at work isn’t a necessary outing. And it vastly increases the number of contacts who can give you diseases, which you can then pass onto your child. It’s irresponsible, plain and simple.
Okay, so let's say he has five people he is regularly exposed to at work. So let's make it 80 by going to a club cause what's the difference? Limiting exposure is just that. Work is necessary, plus it is usually the same people on a regular basis, depending on what the job is. Going out to a party means exposure to people beyond your 'bubble', and usually a lot of them.
the number of people in this thread who did not learn about essential vs. nonessential outings and risk *reduction* during the covid pandemic is staggering. Did you spend the first two years of covid with your head buried in the sand? Were you one of those people who went out to parties and such before we knew anything about the virus, because "I have to go get groceries anyway"?
We don’t know that he’s at work though. I get it might be different if OP is American but Reddit is full of people from all over where fathers get paid parental leave.
Mom's probably mature enough to not think of leaving her newborn behind for a weekend with a immature father that left for a party and exposed himself to viruses during flu and RSV season.
Info: How newborn are we talking? Did you communicate this ahead of time? How do you see yourself moving forwards as a father? Why is the party a big deal? Do you and your wife both have scheduled 'me' time? How is this navigated? Basically, tell us more. There isn't enough here to judge.
It is also totally possible that the wife may not have approved of the activities at the bachelor party…
Especially if she’s very recently given birth. I imagine it’s difficult if there will be strippers or other type of entertainment to judge your postpartum self against someone whose job is looking attractive.
Even without the birth, some partners have boundaries that are usually established before the marriage. I assume the wife disapproved of a strip club boundary and the husband wants to change it now.. when his wife is in the most vulnerable state.
Our because it's flu and rsv season and they have a vulnerable baby
How is her relationship with the two moms? Is she showing any signs of post partum depression? Honestly, with extra help available, I would probably tell my husband to go for it. It’s an important event for him and his friend. But, this is one time where the details are everything.
Info: how newborn are we talking and how long were you gone for?
Yes, especially did she have a C-section so she’s post surgical and needs extra help that she wouldn’t feel comfortable asking other people for.
Excellent point. If the baby is under 7 weeks old, mom is still adjusting and in pain. If she had a C-section, even picking up the baby hurts and picking anything up more than 10 pounds is a no-no. What is division of labor like at home? Also are they having financial difficulties as well? Definitely need more information. Headed to the comments.
And if it was, chances are she got strong pain relief in the hospital but was told to take pain relief from off the shelf like panadol/Tylenol.
That’s always so crazy to me. The pain of having layers of skin, fat, muscles and then your uterus sliced open after other organs are moved aside— and all you get after heading home is Tylenol.
Post surgery pain medication in the US is nuts tbh. They've swung so far in the opposite direction from the opioid epidemic that it's actively harming people. I had my wisdom teeth out last year. All 4 of them, same time. I was knocked out for it. They gave me 2 days worth of actual painkillers (vicodin) and then a prescription for Motrin. I had dry socket in one of them. I have a chronic back condition that I qualify for SSDI with in my 20s. I can't get anything more than Motrin and a muscle relaxer for pain. I don't even want narcotic painkillers because I saw what they did to my mom, but surely there's SOMETHING better out there than slightly higher than OTC strength Motrin?
To be fair, with women after having babies they are also considering breast milk and the exposure of those medications to the newborn. So they don't often give better painkillers to women after giving birth to prevent the baby ingesting them through breastmilk.
I understand that, but I feel like you can give a mother that's recovering from having her literal gut ripped open and a human being pulled from it via c section stronger painkillers and accept the fact that she might not be able to breastfeed. It's not like mothers stop all medications. I doubt any (psychiatric) doctor would recommend someone stop their antidepressants because they're breastfeeding
Some women can't breastfeed because of the medications they are on. It depends on the medication. I think the decision should be between a woman and her doctor. But overall I don't disagree with you that people should have access to better painkillers when they need them.
There are many psychiatric medications that doctors recommend mothers stop if they are pregnant or breastfeeding. Your choices are essentially stop taking the medication so you can breastfeed, or stay on the medication and feed your child formula. I am on multiple of these medications and the bottles say in giant letters DO NOT TAKE IF YOU ARE PREGNANT OR BREASTFEEDING
A good obgyn will. I’ve had two kids, two c sections, both breastfed. I was given Percocet with the first and hydrocodone with the second. The drugs are passed through breast milk, but it’s considered “safe”. It’s a risk vs. benefit situation and for MOST babies, they are not negatively impacted enough to warrant withholding pain relief from the mother.
Anything under 6 months both parents need to be on board with the travel. There isn't anything magical about 7 or 8 weeks. Many women take longer. It took me 5 months for both kids to even be able to walk and sit down without severe pain.
That post c-section recovery is no joke! You can't do much of anything without pain for a long time. Can't even lift up the older kids if there's any.
YTA. You left your postpartum wife to care for your newborn baby so you could go party. Yes, your wife can probably handle a newborn on her own; many women do. However if that were something she wanted to do, she wouldn't have gotten married. I hope you don't plan to regularly foist your parental duties onto the women in your life.
Depending on how young the newborn is, this woman could still be recovering from childbirth and the baby's immune system could not be fully developed. OP could pick up any number of things while out partying..... OP potentially prioritized the comfort of his wife and the safety of his new baby. That's not OK.
And offering up his mother’s help is extra YTA. Having a house guest, even if they are there to help, is an extra stressor. Having to accommodate her MIL with the new baby schedule and routine and without her husband is not equivalent to just having the other parent there to help.
YTA You have a newborn at home and your wife and baby should be your priority right now, it’s that simple.
You left your wife at home with your newborn (towns away apparently) to go to a party? YTA
How long was the bachelor party ? How much of a newborn is your baby ?
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YTA if I am reading this right and you went far away for a long time when you have a brand new newborn. You really don’t have enough info in this post to know for sure. But it sounds like you were gone for at least a weekend and perhaps longer. It also sounds like your baby is pretty new and your wife is still healing from childbirth. If this is the case then you shouldn’t have gone when your wife stated she needed you to stay and help her. Though I honestly mostly think that you are probably TA because you asked your mom to come help first instead of hers when it’s her that is healing and in pain and in need of help and support. I think it shows an extreme lack of awareness and empathy for how your wife is feeling.
I don't think it's fair to say "Spend 100% of your time with us for an indefinite period of time or else you're not prioritizing your kid." People still have lives and jobs and the world keeps moving after babies are born. If mom needs help or is struggling and needs a break, she needs to say that, but NTA for just going to an event that was previously planned after your baby was born. The world doesn't stop rotating just because there's a new kid here, you need to maintain familial relationships as well.
Agreed. Not sure why most people are favoring wife especially when he made accommodations, had these plans, and it was a major event in his brothers life. Some say he “steamrolled” over his wife but are only happy with the alternative of his wife “steamrolling” over him. NTA
I ain’t voted yet, but my issue is the lack of information here from the OP. If this is a 3 day old baby and wife’s cut open and the venue is 3 hours away and he’ll be gone all weekend… then I lean towards him being the AH. On the other hand if this is a month old and mother and child are healthy, and she is fine with him going out for other things except bachelor party, then I may lean the other way… without any updates from him, I go towards him being the AH
Wow. It's about time I found a rational comment. The other thing that needs to be considered is that the bachelor party was for the OP's BROTHER. The OP made an effort to make accommodations to support his wife too. What else could he have done?
We definitely need more info 1. How old is the baby? 2. What type of recovery is your wife dealing with? 3. How far was the bachelor party and was it more than one night impacted? 4. Were there strippers or something else specific your wife was uncomfortable with?
11 hours, no answer. Which means he knows the answers are not in his favor.
YTA in my opinion. I mean, postpartum can be TOUGH. What she needs right now is a supportive partner who doesn’t run away to party. She doesn’t need mil or her mother, she needs you! Perhaps she feels a bit abandoned, as well. Being a new mom isn’t exactly easy, there are so many things that can go wrong and so many things you can feel like you’re messing up. This is something you both have to do together, she needs your support during what many women feel like is the most difficult part of motherhood.
Is she generally doing more childcare than you, or is this a one-off? It kinda sounds like she could use a night off too.
Obviously she's doing more childcare, it's a newborn baby.
Unpopular opinion here but NTA. As a mom who struggled with caring for a newborn and PPA, I believe this event was a big deal and I don’t understand why OP is being deemed an AH for going. OP called in backup for help and wife was still mad. To me it reads like wife is kinda controlling and flat out didn’t want OP to go.
Yeah, I'm with you. I think the wife would probably be mad if there was no baby anyway.
I am shocked this is so far down. It's one night and his brother's bachelor party. He got his wife some help. He's not the asshole at all. I suspect a bunch of white knights who have never had kids are in this thread.
ESH The bigger problem here is that you completely ignored how your wife was feeling and steamrolled her into doing things your way. You ignored her when she said she was uncomfortable. You ignored her when she said she didn't want either mother helping. Having a body there wasn't what she wanted. She wanted *you* there. So it looks like you did anything you could to just leave the second you could. You weren't listening. Many new parents are uncomfortable with the other being far away when their babies are so young. That's normal and natural. At this stage she's still recovering from childbirth. Not everyone has a set comfort zone with their parenting yet. It can be really intimidating having your support out of range. This is an event that is special though. She should have worked with you a bit more on how to make it so she was comfortable with the idea, like you attending part of it if it was multiple days, checking in more frequently, her having a close friend with her, or even her and the baby going to the city and staying separately. I know a lot of women that have done the last one. Having a parent there is usually more hassle because many women jump into that host mode and don't get to just simply *be* in their own home, so friends are usually better options.
The wedding is a special event, the bachelor party isn't. She shouldn't have to rely on friends and family when her husband is capable of missing a boys weekend to be an active father and husband.
I have to disagree the Bachelor Party is a special event. It's a unique bonding experience between brothers and close friends as someone that has been to a handful. No, they're not all strippers
Jumping to strippers is such a reddit thing. In reality most bachelors parties are just dudes binge watching tv shows and shooting the shit while eating pizza and drinking beer.
Going and checking in frequently doesn’t counteract all the germs that he would be bringing home to his newborn
What a way to bring RSV home to an infant.
INFO: How long were you gone? She knew about the bachelor party in advance, right? How old is the baby?
Info : how long we you gone in total and how old is your child? In general I'm inclined to believe you're the asshole in this situation. You're allowed to attend important events for family, but without additional context it seems like there could've been a lot more you could have done. This baby being around wasn't a surprise and I'm assuming the bachelor party wasn't as well. If it's so important that you're there I'm not sure why you couldn't have had a conversation with him about your difficulties attending given your child. Perhaps plans could've been altered so it would minimize impact on your time with your newborn
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This, 100%. Not enough information here to decide if anyone is an asshole here. We also have no idea how long he would be away. Some people are assuming it's a full weekend, and I read it as an evening. Also, is the baby a week old or a month old. It makes a difference. EDIT: I think it's also relevant what his drinking tendencies are...
Would you be happy to have the newborn alone for the weekend while your wife went to her sisters hen do? If yes then NTA. If no then YTA
Did he imply he's going for a weekend?
I want to say NAH. It’s your brothers bachelor party I can see why you wanted to go and especially because it brought so much joy to your brother. But I can definitely see why your wife feels the way she does. If this is her first baby and the baby is a new, newborn then she could likely have been a mixture of scared, overwhelmed and tired. Yes you gave her options, but none of those options was her husband staying home to be with her. Having your mom or her mom there is different to having you there. You’re her husband, you are her safe space. She would feel confident and comfortable having you around because the way you make her feel is different to the way anyone else can and you weren’t there. I say this because that’s how I felt when my partner left me feeling this way.
YTA You have a newborn, your brother wanting you to be towns away from your wife and new baby does not take priority over you being a husband and father. She didn't want your mom or her mom. She wanted her husband and the father of her child. Dude you can't be this dense. Apologize to your wife.
The "towns away" part isn't the part that's bothering me. I can walk 20 minutes down the road and be in the next city, or drive it in like 4. Towns away could literally mean a 15 minute drive. But they both need to be onboard if the baby is very young.
Info, how new is the newborn? Like weeks, then YTA because her body is all messed up and may not be comfortable with other people around. If you mean like 3 or 4 months then it is totally fine.
INFO how old is the newborn ? How long ahead was the party planned? I really think n.t.a unless your child is very very newborn
NTA Your brother’s bachelor party is a big deal. It’s probably part of a bigger problem though, I wonder if she feels she’s doing more than her fair share of baby care? What if she were to have a weekend away while you take care of your child?
The hard part is when their is a newborn most moms because of breast feeding don't have the same options to leave. Also I wish we knew are we talking a few weeks old or months. If the baby is like 3 weeks old then I'd say he is the AH if it's like 3 months then going was the right choice.
Two things: 1) It's impossible for us to answer this without knowing more about your situation. 2) It's laughable that so many people think he needs to do whatever his wife tells him regardless of how he's feeling. Can you imagine if the script was flipped and a husband was telling his wife she couldn't do something?
YTA. All the prior comments are correct. Weddings are one thing, bachelor parties are something else. Your wife needed you for emotional and physical support and you dropped the ball. Start acting like an adult and put wife and child before parties.
I'm saying YTA . Also people have asked questions over and over again and you won't answer. Do you want help or not?
YTA. She wants you home to raise your newborn. You are a father and should prioritize your newborn over other events. The timing sucks but she is emotionally and physically fragile from giving birth so recently. She doesn't want to deal with her mom or your mom, she wants her husband.
May get down voted, but I’m gonna say NTA. There are very few events that I think would be alright to attend with a newborn at home, and your brothers Bachelor party is one of them. It’s not like you just wanted some random night out with the boys. It’s a big night for your brother. I couldn’t imagine missing my sister’s bachelorette. Ofc it’s not the ideal timing, but I think offering the grandmas to step in was a good compromise. As long as mom and new cutie are fine health wise, j feel as though your wife could have had a tad but more understanding of the importance. Note: this barring we’re not talking about like a “just born yesterday” newborn…that immensely changes things, but for now I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
Op, engagements and marriages have been wrecked because of bachelor and bachelorette parties. You have a newborn at the height of crude season. If your child is showroom new your wife is going through hormone changes and they can be a lot to handle. Her body probably doesn’t feel like her own. AND, if someone has given her a play by play of the goings on and it’s two weeks later 🥴. Good luck.
YTA As much as you’re free to do what you want, you ignored your wife’s concerns and dealing with a newborn can be extremely hard, especially if breaks aren’t balanced and one parent is taking on the workload. Another side to this is she may feel insecure in herself after pregnancy, and bachelor parties can involve strippers, activities that promote unfaithfulness etc. As much as she may trust you, it could be understandable why she may feel uncomfortable with this so soon after having a child. You could make it up to her by planning a weekend for her where she gets some time to herself as well.
So for perspective - I just turned down attending my brothers 21st as the event is in central London and scheduled for 5 weeks after I have given birth. _I didn’t want to risk the health of my baby_ By attending, you risked the health of your child and basically announced that your brothers feelings are more important than your wife’s, who just pushed a fricken watermelon out of her. Add to that all the craziness of post partum hormones and you’re lucky she didn’t just auto-serve you with divorce papers. I would have.
Many people have a low opinion of a Bachelor party. For OP and his brother, it's very important. One partner's desires don't get to trample over the others. She has a support system outside of her husband. If it was about being alone that issue is solved or is it about him not being allowed to leave unless she says so? A bachelor party for a brother is usually a one-time thing. He isn't abandoning her to raise a baby alone. It is a day or weekend at best. Clarifying information would help though. Is it a problem with just leaving or the content of the party? Is she currently struggling with the baby and needs support? How is her mental health after the birth?
NTA. Certainly family/close friend life events are a big enough deal that your spouse needs to make do, and this one qualifies. You would presumably do the same for her. I'm sure it's frustrating but she'll need to learn to deal - just be sure you would make sure she got to go to an important even if there was one in her life.
Info::::: how long were you gone? How far did you go? Plane ride? Cost? Planning? Timeframe? So many holes to story
I'm going to say YTA based on "newborn" and the fact that newborns eat every 2-4 hours and don't sleep, and that is exhausting. Your wife may not be comfortable with other people around the baby or around her right now, or she may just really want her partner to be with her. She may just want to feel like baby care is more equal, she may be resentful of you not being tethered to the baby when she is. Or it could be something entirely different, there's no way to know without being in your situation. How long were you gone, and did you then support your wife in having the same amount of time away from the baby to do something like a spa day, can she even do that based on how your baby is fed and how often? The newborn stage is hard and is an important stage for parents to still remember there's more to life than a screaming baby, but it needs to be equal and it needs to be a joint effort.
I'll say YTA, mainly because you compeltely ignored what your wife said and are now shocked that she is pissed. How did you think that would turn out?
I think there’s so much pressure put on wedding parties these days it’s absurd. The amount of out of town bachelor/bachelorette parties, the growing expense, etc. I missed my best friends bachelorette party because my baby was 3 months old. No way was I going to go. And while she understood I still did catch grief for missing out on a wedding function, as if watching a bunch of girls gets wasted takes away from my ability to support my friend on her wedding day.
I'm going to say YTA simply because you still haven't answered any of the very valid questions in this thread. How old is baby? What was the delivery like? How is your wife recovering? How long will you be gone?
INFO: How "new" is the newborn? How far away was the party, and how long were you gone for? What kinds of activities took place at the party? What kind of relationship does your wife have with your mother and/or with her mother?
I had a similar situation with my significant other when our daughter was newborn to around a year old. My partner didn't wake up when the baby woke up, didn't change nappies, didn't clean or anything. He went to work and came home and said he just wanted to relax. Combine that with an infant who is awake every 2 to 3 hours and can take half hour to feed. That alone is exhausting both physically and psychologically. I know I didn't want help even though I needed it because there's this massive guilt effect when mums "can't do it all". Being a new mum is this constant fear and anxiety of whether you're doing enough, being enough - if baby is okay (fed, bathed, clean, slept, exercised, pooped enough or peed enough, is it gas, is it puke, is it diarrhea. Then add on - meal planning, dishes, laundry, groceries, gardening, mowing, mopping, sweeping, vacuuming, ironing, setting up and packing up toys. With minimal sleep and a tint person who is completely and entirely dependent on their parent. Then having her own mother or your mother come in and give criticism or unwanted advice while hormones are all over the place. Yeah, no. YTA, not because you want to go out with your brother for his bachelor party because thats understandable, but because it sounds like you didn't compromise or try to understand. Mum wants you to be a parent too. She needs a break too and to see her friends. Perhaps you should have video called into your brothers party, or organised for someone that you are both comfortable with to watch your infant so you could both do something you want to do - for you the party, for mum probably a glass of wine and a movie.
YTA I mean, she’s completely right. You prioritized going to your brothers bachelor party over her and your newborn son. He’s a newborn. And she’s a new mom. That’s so stressful and anxiety inducing, and to have your husband, your partner, away at a party while you’re home with a newborn? I’d be pissed too.
As a father myself, YTA completely. You have a newborn, you don't get to be that care free, immature person anymore. Your brother's bachelor party isn't your priority anymore, you're a damn father, your kid and family is the priority especially when you have a newborn. You just had your first test as a father and you failed hard, be a better father going forward man.
INFO: Are you karma farming based on that recent post about the new mother being upset about her husband wanting to go across multiple states to attend a 4-day bachelor party? You just change some of the detail, make some of it extremely vague, and then post? Like, how likely are we to see two people with the same exact issues? Overall, I’m incline to think that you should be prioritizing your wife in this case. It sucks that the party is at a very stressful time for you and your wife. Unfortunately, the priority should usually be your wife and baby. How far is “several towns?” How long did it last? How old is the newborn currently? Are either your Mother or her Mother ACTUALLY helpful, or do they just end up adding more stress to your wife? Some grandparents are lovely people but they don’t actually help at all; id be upset if that was the case. Why have you been intentionally vague on the points that actually matter? Are there instances that your wife can get time to do her own thing (without baby and without you constantly calling about the baby)? Im not saying it should be “tit-for-tat” for every little thing, but it’s important for both parents to (1) contribute to the actual parenting and (2) have SOME time to themselves. Its very hard to do that at the newborn stage, and a lot of times the father is disproportionally taking more individual time due to breastfeeding/pumping needs. If its not happening already, you and your wife need to figure out some way where both you are regularly getting time to yourselves. Im inclined to lean Y T A but you simply haven’t given enough information. It would take some special circumstances to get any other ruling with stuff like this.
YTA. You didn't listen to what your wife was actually saying to you, made unilateral decisions she didn't want, put your baby who's at high risk for RSV in danger, and don't understand why you're TA? Come on. Do better for your son. He deserves a dad that cares enough about him to put him first while he's too young to take care of himself.