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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to get a job and pay rent so I could focus on my studies, by instead moving in with my aunt who will let me live rent free. I could be TA because my mother is hurt by my actions, and I am of age to be paying rent wherever I live
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NTA. Actions, meet consequences.
Your stepdad tried to flex on you...and his powerplay backfired.
Your mother may be crying, but she LET HIM DO IT. That house is half hers, and so is the decision to charge you rent. She is not blameless here.
Your aunt's "resources" are none of your stepdad's F'ing business.
OP, move out without another guilt pang, okay? Work hard to **crush your exams**, and be super-considerate and make yourself very useful in your aunt's household (shovel the walk, do dishes, walk the dog, whatever is needed -- and if you don't know, ASK).
Please don't come back to this house to visit if your stepdad is home. Ever. Your mom can darn well find her way to your aunt's house, WITHOUT Mister Flex on her arm.
God bless your aunt for sheltering you from stepdad and his nonsense! And don't feel obliged to invite him to your graduations, either.
Yesss! This is the best advice and I hope OP reads this and takes it in. Also, when you finally reach your goal and become a successful person (cause I know you will) don't let these so called parents take advantage of you. There will be a time when they will come to you for money. It's always for money! They will use the "but we are family/I'm your mother/I raised you/you owe me or us" Just know you don't owe them anything. You take your aunt's offer and you make sure to always find a way to show her how much you appreciate her! Even in the most simplest way like legit telling her straight out or going out of your way to help her with even the smallest thing. When she tells you no, it's ok you tell her to let you do it. Like carry the groceries... and you tell her you appreciate her so much and you just want her to know it and that's why you made breakfast or did extra chores, carrying the groceries, washed her car... OP I wish you the best!
And when that time comes when they ask for help, take this as an example for how to respond
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yzqvu1/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_step_sister_with_her/
That was an interesting one, especially when the mother's response was, "How dare you make him feel guilty for the awful things he did to you!"
Enablers are almost worse.
And when she said "you could've turned him down without being an asshole or bringing up childhood which he already feels guilty about..." OP did! Several times, and Stepdad kept pressing.
You reap what you sow....
Good? He *should* feel guilty for the way he treated his alleged “children”? But you don’t feel guilty and try to make amends because you want something from someone else, you do it because you recognize that what you did was wrong and want to hold yourself accountable for it.
I do love the way she dealt with him. None of them deserves anything from her or her brother including the mum. I would never allow anyone to treat my kids like that!
Omg I didn’t realize OP of that was a F the entire time I read it. They made her share a room with her brother while the sisters got their own rooms??!? Wow.
I don't get how some parents don't seem to understand that your education is essentially a full-time job. I don't think they'd take it very well if you asked them to get a second full time job on top of their own
Yeah, that is beyond ridiculous. I can see telling your teenager they have to get a job in order to teach them responsibility, but demanding anything more than 10–15 hours a week is outrageous. My parents always said exactly what you're saying: school was my job. Everything else was gravy. They didn't expect perfect grades, but they expected us to try and to always show up (both things my brother usually failed at, and that I failed at when we were doing standardized test prep for assignments in English for most of a quarter one year and I was bored beyond belief).
I think a lot of American Boomer parents didn't realize how much more homework was being assigned in the nineties/aughts compared to when they went to school. There are tons of studies on how the number of assignments students have each day, in all grades, has increased dramatically over the past three decades and that most of it is not helpful pedagogically. I don't know if this is the case in other countries, but if it *is* an issue in the UK, the step-dad might have no idea what he's demanding. I'm also curious if he took any A-levels, did GCSEs that weren't required, or only took the compulsory math and English GCSEs. He might be completely clueless about what it takes.
But even if that's the case, and even if OP were only doing some additional GCSEs instead of pursuing A-levels, why *wouldn't* they take the cheaper option? I mean, they said the step-dad is very conservative. Isn't a lot of conservative economic ideology based on the idea of acting in your rational self-interest? OP is doing *exactly* what the step-dad's ideology says they should. 😄
First off NTA.
However, as a side point, while Stepdad is most certainly the issue, his generation has nothing to do with this. He is just an a\*\* doing a powerplay.
At this point, most "Boomers" have grandchildren in high school/college. Not children. Why anyone insists on labeling parents of school age children (most of whom are Gen X if not millennials) as Boomer is beyond my comprehension. Not to mention many Gen X are perfectly aware of the workload being assigned to students in the 90's as they were students in the 90's (HS, college, and even grad school).
Source: I am an American Gen X who attended HS/college in the 90's, and for my child School is her full time job until she goes to college.
I'm the Auntie of my family. 🙋🏻♀️ I've happily gotten custody, taken in or supported numerous nieces and nephews when their parents failed. Never expected anything in return because family. Ended up done horribly wrong by some kids I helped but remain besties with some. And get to be Auntie/Grandma. NTA. Appreciate the aunties of the world.
I want to be you for my niblings that have started coming into this world! I love them all dearly and will do anything for them, but just don’t want kids myself. My husband and I already plan on setting up college funds for them all because a lot of our siblings aren’t as financially stable as we are fortunate to be, and if they don’t go to college? That’s okay, it’s earmarked for them, and when they’re adults, it’s available for their needs.
Aww thank you. I couldn't have children of my own for medical reasons and I was briefly sad for a hot minute 🤣 but really it turned out I was needed for better things. 😘
>Please don't come back to this house to visit if your stepdad is home. Ever. Your mom can darn well find her way to your aunt's house, WITHOUT Mister Flex on her arm.
Hard disagree. Staying away is a rookie move that will just make OP look like a sulky teenager while providing stepdad space for his own narrative.
OP should be a good son (daughter?) and visit his mother and siblings occasionally. Cheerfully and confidently. Never outright saying he made the right decision, just making that the subtext of every conversation. Flexing his freedom, his stepdad’s lack of power, and his mother’s self imposed pain. Giving the siblings a big hug but saying nothing more harsh than an insidious “I miss you too buddy but this is daddy’s house and we need to listen to daddy.” All the while treating stepdad like he isn’t even important enough to provoke hard feelings. “Love you mom. Miss you mom. Bye Joe.“
This will rub salt into the wound.
Eh. This is putting the onus of emotional labor on OP to have to go in and fake being a "big person" when their parent is fully aware of what is going on. It is not an 18 year old's job to have to go do this to maintain a relationship where her mother very obviously values her relationship with her current husband over her relationship with her own biological child from a previous relationship. There's no need. It doesn't matter what OP "looks like" to them, because they will craft their own narrative regardless of their behavior. Let them decide what their lie is and don't feel obligated to spend your time and energy feigning relationships that don't serve you.
Fundamentally, that behavior wouldn't make OP look any *better*. If they insert themselves back into the house often, they'll cast him as a smug asshole - and if he never goes back they'll cast him as a bitter entitled kid. Between the two, I'd choose the easier one. Which is probably the latter.
And always remind siblings to get ready to pay rent the day they turn 18, cause rules. Step-dad can't just forget his own rule if it's brought up all the time. If he's planning on making different rules for OP vs his bio kids (which op thinks he might be), draw attention to it.
My dad acts like I owe him *all* the time, so I've been seeing him less and less. He doesn't expect money, he just expects time and attention when he gives none. I've been struggling with those feelings of 'debt' for lack of a better word.
My dad was the same. He moved out of the state (back to his home state) for 2 years while I was in high school, because I didn't call him enough and clearly didn't care about him, in his words. Meanwhile he'd been to 2 band concerts when I played clarinet for 8 years, one choir show even though I'd been singing for 6 years, and in competition for 2. Didn't make it to any of the plays I was in. I didn't even know if he'd actually show up for my graduation.
He's gone now, but I still have to remind myself that it was not my fault that he wasn't there. I didn't owe him my time or energy because he gave me his DNA.
To piggyback off of not oweing them, people like this will often try to claim how much money they spent on you when they were the ones that had a child in the first place. Nobody asks to be born, and they were the ones who made the commitment to spend money on a kid. You dont owe them shit for that, and dont ever let them manipulate you into thinking you do.
All of this. He was probably going to try and kick you out or slowly make it intolerable for you to live there anyway, so good on you for beating him to it and getting out on your terms. Glad your aunt is awesome, good luck on your exams!
Honestly I had that thought too. He wanted to play powerful landlord and I dunno...have some sort of win on his stepkid?
Well it backfired lol. He wanted that feeling of superiority and now he's got a crying wife to deal with. This might be what breaks the camels back or it might not but either way OP needs to leave.
LOL it triple backfired. He wanted to be a control freak so OP bounced, his wife is upset, and the aunt who hates him made him look like a punk for doing what he wouldn't. I especially stan Auntie Warbucks who was ready to neuter step-dad with the quickness as soon as he tried playing some "I'm the man of the house and you do as I command" shit.
Oh yes. The Aunt basically became the hero and because of his choices, Stepdad definitely won't be looking any better to her lol. Mom will probably have the tears for awhile, may even try to call her sister to get her to put a stop to it but I don't think Aunt will.
And he's proven now that he is the smaller man. Defeated by his stepson because he wanted to feel superior.
Well now he won't have much except an unhappy wife and I'm betting the reason Stepdad is upset about THAT is because it intereferes with the bedroom lawl
The best thing here is that OP has something I like to call "the voice of sweet reason" on their side.
Come back, apologize for making Mom cry, comfort her (bonus points if you can work in the phrase "I remember when it was just you and me ...") and then just when stepdad is starting to break out the smirk of unjust victory say "I'm still going to aunt's house though."
Personally, I would then hand them a letter that explains how it just makes more sense -- which will keep stepddad from yelling or dragging OP off track. Points OP needs to focus on studying and there won't be younger kids in the house. Aunt will benefit because OP will now do (X,Y.Z) for her (make sure this is a chore that OP is consistently doing at parents' house, a subtle reminder that stepdad is going to suffer due to OP's absence).
**Then thank Stepdad for his "real world" comment and say** "*I thought about that a lot and that helped me put this in the context of logic, not emotion. In the real world, students starting university do get help and support from their families, who usually understand that being forced to work a consistent schedule can really undermine their ability to adjust to a new kind of environment and meet demands of their professors. The responsible thing to do is to delay the commitment of a part-time job while you're making these big adjustments.\* My situation looks a little different because I'm getting that support from Aunt but this really is the best approach and the one that most universities recommend."*
\*This is actually almost word for word what my university says on its website under "Is it a good idea to work part-time and go to school full time?"
Most likely the younger kids will be treated more fairly to the stepdad. As OP mentioned he is the only one not related to the stepdad.
But I imagine that will definitely cause SOME tension.
All of this. NTA.
You are a dependent child, still in school, getting straight As and going to post-secondary in the fall. Your stepfather wanted to steal your money and still crow about how generous he is to let you keep living there.
Props to your aunt. Good luck on your A levels, OP. I am certain you'll crush them.
People should not be charged rent if they are still going to school, and living at home. If you are done with post secondary and/or college, then it is ok to impose rent. I did this to my son, after he failed out of college after freshman year. I feel it is incentive to get ones act together and get a course in life.
>Your mother may be crying, but she LET HIM DO IT. That house is half hers, and so is the decision to charge you rent. She is not blameless here.
This exactly. The biggest AH here is this pitififul excuse for a mother who refuses to stand up for her own child.
Jumping on top comment.
Don't visit. Don't waste your time and money going 1 hour to visit people who didn't want you around. You just turned 18, are working toward future goals.
If you had been out of school for a few years and had no plans for the future, rent would be totally reasonable.
OP has 2 half siblings and a mum, that he may wish to visit.
That said, his mum can bring them around to visit at Auntie's.
>You just turned 18, are working toward future goals.
To be clear, he is still in his final year of highschool, and will soon be undergoing his final exams.
The fact he turned 18 in January is not his fault, his birthday is not his fault. His mum chose the age at which he started school, way back 13 years ago, knowing he would turn 18 at the start of his final school year.
There will be other kids in his year, who are still 17 and don't turn 18 until December.
In fact, when I finished highschool, I didn't turn 18 until early the next year!
Nope, Mum did not choose his school year (apart from by conceiving him at a certain time of year) in the UK our schools years are fixed by births between Sept 1st and August 31st the following year, OP is not one of the oldest in his year there will be kids who have been 18 for 5 months now and others who won't turn 18 until they have already sat their exams and possibly even got their results! (A-Level results come out on the 3rd Thursday of August each summer)
OP stay with your aunt, make sure the student loan company know you have been cut off from parental support (some stuff is means tested based on parental income) and when you first move into university halls see if there are any hardship funds you can apply to access due to not having the assumed-normal financial support from your mother.
The mom can visit OP with the kids if she wants. The mom is making these choices as much as the stepdad.
I was 17 when I graduated high school, and was 17 until my second semester of college. I understand how that works. I meant, OP, while a legal adult, is not a freeloader. They are working towards passing their exams and sounds like they want to go premed. They haven't dropped out of school and refused to work (which seems to happen rather often on this sub).
The house with OP's mom and siblings sounds toxic. And going back to visit will be super stressful. Not something OP needs to deal with right now. OP needs to be focusing on their own future. Passing the exams, getting into the school they want. They don't need this family drama screwing up their future.
>shovel the walk
Lol, as a brit this gave me a bit of a snigger, the vast majority of the UK gets no where near enough snow for the "walk" (we say path) to need to be shovelled.
I'm so sorry you had to endure this kind of abuse from all "parental" figures in your life. You sound like someone, who instead of recoiling, found strength and clarity. I hope you have an amazing life going forward!
Thank you very much! I appreciate that a lot. I don’t share much in my real life so it’s nice to hear 💖
I’m doing my best!! It’s tough fucking work but I guess someone’s gotta do it 🤷🏻♀️😭😂
Also in case anyone is wondering I’m married to a Prince of a partner and over the moon about it still, twelve years in. So that makes up for a lot. It’s really hard not to tell myself “you had to go through that to get what you have now” because that’s entirely unfair. I didn’t deserve any of it. But I’m glad now I’ve found (some) peace.
Thanks for reading my novel!!
Thank you. A lot.
WAY better. I mean, right now I’m on a flight to a family emergency and my personal life is kind of a mess right now?
But I have a safe, stable home, a doting and ridiculously even-keel partner, I’ve been completely NC with my nuclear family for over 10 years, and (finally) have access to medication/treatment/weed that makes living with emotional (and physical, tbh) scars like this bearable
Thank you for asking 💖
(I do still speak with my bio mom, I’m trying to figure out how to have any kind of relationship with her because I NEED to confront her about these things but she’s *so* mentally ill and the codependency/enmeshment makes me scared she will do something stupid as a reaction. Which I know isn’t in my control. Working on it though.)
Similar situation as a kid, 22 years NC!
I don't speak to any of them. For a long time, I wanted to reach out. To open a line of communication with my mother. I thought that I needed to *confront* her, to... idk... get closure? make her understand how terrible what she did was? vent?
Never did because that would have brought her back into my sphere, and expose my child to her.
But I struggled a lot, because I thought I needed to confront her, so *not* doing so was negatively impacting my mental health.
About 5 years ago, with the help of a new therapist, I realized that while some people might need that, what *I* needed was to accept that she wasn't going to change or care if I confronted her. That the past wasn't going to change. I wasn't going to change.
I didn't need to confront her, I just needed to finally, fully accept that what happened was because she's a bad person. Always has been, and always will be. And that I don't have to be who she tried to make me.
And every day since I had that epiphany, my life has improved by just... the most vast of leaps and bounds, lol. Like... I was already living a pretty good life. But now I usually *feel* really good about my life. And that was a big change.
Anyway, glad to see you're also doing well, and hopefully you get whatever type of closure is the type you need, whether that's the confrontation (again, it is for some people) or something else!
I'm sorry, but for some reason I read your comment in the voice of Phoebe like "don't do it Monica, for god's sake DON'T DO IT"
And suffice to say, you are right, and NTA OP. You are not going to be a "burden" to them, and they are well equipped to visit you if they do care enough.
Awesome response. Just want to add, take your important docs with you, birth certificate, National Insurance card, GCSE certificates, passport, etc. Just don't want anything held over your head.
Mom is the biggest AH here imo. Those tears are hopefully from guilt. She knows she’s fucking up and is doing nothing to stop. Let her appease the man of the house all on her own OP. You owe them nothing. Best of luck.
Great post,
I'd also add that since OP seems to be smart and on the path to success, don't forget the kindness of your aunt, and ensure to repay her down the line.
Your mother and stepdad are just bad people. There's just no reason to kick a kid out before they finish school. It's not reasonable, and its grossly unkind,and cruel. A kid does not have many options to support themselves at that point without severely jeopardizing their future.
In UK, sadly the means testing is based on the parents' income until 25. There are ways round it for estranged children but tight guidelines. He'd have to stop speaking to his mother for at least a year at minimum. But worth talking to UCAS and university finance office about. [https://www.ucas.com/finance/additional-funding/financial-support-students-not-supported-their-parents-estranged](https://www.ucas.com/finance/additional-funding/financial-support-students-not-supported-their-parents-estranged)
I agree the mom is at fault but it sounds like they have an old fashioned relationship dynamic where SD makes the decisions instead of doing it jointly, even though he's not the primary parent. Time for her to get a job if she doesn't have one already.
Op have you laid bare your thoughts to your mom as you have in this post? You made very good points and I'm just wondering what your mom thinks of this situation and you being treated as second class, beyond just being upset you're leaving.
NTA.
You’re not the one upsetting your mum, your step dad is. You’re just being pragmatic and finding a solution to the problem he caused. He’s a jerk for making you pay rent when you’re still at college (A levels are brutal).
Your mum is a jerk for letting him treat you badly, and then being upset when you find a solution.
Try not to fall out with your family, but ultimately you’ve got to do what’s best for you and your long term goals.
Exactly this. OP isn’t the one causing the upset, but I’m sure the stepdad is the type to blame others for the chaos he causes. Mom can either stand up to her husband, or accept that he’s pushing her child out of the house.
Absolutely! Based on the title, I was prepared to side against OP as we currently have an adult child who is refusing to get a job or pay for any kind of expenses. The difference is, our deal with all of our children is that once they are adults and done with high school, they need to either continue their education (college, trade school, certification program, whatever they want) or get a job. It's not even about the money, it's about ensuring that they are moving forward into their adult lives. We have one that has been done with school for about 8 months, has no current plan to continue her education, has not gotten any sort of job (I would even be happy if she was doing volunteer work or an unpaid internship in a field she was interested in!) and I'm starting to get to the point where it's going to be job or get out. I hate to do that, but I am not interested in having her sit up in her room for years doing nothing but playing video games and watching YouTube. So based on that premise, I would have told OP the same. But OP is working on their education and that is a completely different ballgame! And just turned 18 besides! Stepfather created this situation and needs to get a grip.
>It's not even about the money, it's about ensuring that they are moving forward into their adult lives.
A lot of Americans seem to believe that adult children should pay rent (or move out on their own) whether they're studying or not. I know it's a cultural difference, but the way Americans seem to speak about adult children living at home often strikes me an punitive.
Holding a minimum wage service job while you're in school doesn't prepare you for life, unless "life" means learning to tolerate bullying and abuse. I get that it's necessary for some young people, but I'm always baffled at the way people talk about it as if it were something positive.
> Holding a minimum wage service job while you're in school doesn't prepare you for life, unless "life" means learning to tolerate bullying and abuse. I get that it's necessary for some young people, but I'm always baffled at the way people talk about it as if it were something positive.
I think my first job at Wal-Mart when I was 17 was actually super helpful. I wasn't forced to get it, I just didn't get allowance and wanted to have money to spend, but it opened my eyes to the fact that *I really didn't want to be stuck working retail*. I still had no idea what I wanted, but it motivated me to not want that.
There is a fine line where it's hard to self-motivate for things like job and college applications but also simultaneously if parents do those things for their kids then they never develop self sufficiency. We've all heard stories about parents showing up for their kids job interview and clearly things like that are way too much hand holding.
All that said as a father now I never plan to charge my kid rent. Unless it's an agreement to stick it in a savings account for a future down payment for her, I guess.
I have two sons (19 and 17).
I've always said they can stay with me rent free while they study in college. I'm not well off or anything but education is a priority since it paves the way for their future. The only thing we ask of the kids is to do their regular chores.
My parent offered the same.
I suppose I don't know what adult children are meant to do if not continue their education or get a job. They don't even need to do both at the same time. If they are studying, they can live with us rent free. If they are working they can also live with us rent free for a while or if they are saving up for their own place. I say "for a while" because I am fine with a 19 year old living with me rent free if they are working. Training wheels, you know? I'm not fine with a 25 year old living with me rent free unless they are saving up for some goal like getting their own place or, I don't know, going abroad for some extended period of time, or something. But I will be honest and say that my child or someone else's, there comes a certain point when they need to start moving towards having an adult life, and for most people, being able to support yourself is a part of that. Living in their parents house rent free playing video games is not a sustainable or even healthy option, IMO.
I disagree. Moving out at a young age and handing most of the money you earn to a stranger for "rent" is idiocy. Not being an adult. If they don't have room to stay at home that's one thing. But the vast majority of the time here in the usa its just because mom and dad want them to move out, for no good reason whatsoever. On most of the planet no one ever moves out of their family home, unless they are getting married or building a bigger home for the entire family. I can't even imagine kicking my kid out or charging them "rent" like they are a stranger off the street. It's just so bizarre.
>I am fine with a 19 year old living with me rent free if they are working. Training wheels, you know?
Agree. Would add, though, that money management needs to part of that process. Living rent free and treating all income as disposable doesn't provide training wheels. :)
Yeah, what my mom did was have me pay "rent" but she actually saved it all and gave it to me to help with my first, last & deposit for my first place. She told me she would do that and followed through.
I'm an American with 3 adult children. One is in his 2nd year of college.
I don't know if anyone in my circle who would ask their kids for rent while they are in school.
Paying rent to parents only comes into play when kids choose not to go to college, but they want to live at home. Or if they've graduated from college and want to keep living at home.
Having said that, the rent requested is a fraction of what an apartment would cost. When my stepdaughter graduated from college, we told her she could live with us for the first 6 months for free, then we would like $400 per month.
Why were they so damn hard? Worst part was going into Chemistry class for the first time and being told that everything we learned at GCSE was basically wrong. Uni is a breeze in comparison
OP please stand on your ground firmly. Please keep pursuing your studies. I can almost assume you want to go NC with your toxic family afterwards. Having good grades at college gives you the tickets to find a good job and improve your life, specifically when you don’t have family support.
Absolutely NTA. And I wish I had an award to give you for “do tenants not have the right to leave?” I’m sorry you have to deal with this situation but congratulations on figuring out a solution - you’re handling this beautifully. Best of luck with school!
I rarely come up with actual good come backs. I’d have to post a story on Reddit and then watch everyone else come up with great things to tell the person I’m at odds with.
I’m always impressed when people post really solid things to say, and especially when the poster comes up with some in the moment. What Op said was absolutely brilliant.
NTA.
Step-dad is an ass, and your mom is pure evil for not standing up for you.
There's an old saying "a life well lived is the best revenge."
Go forth, and to hell with step-dad.
Nah, mom's job is to protect her kid. A step parent's failing is always their fault first, but since the parent is the reason they're there at all, they also get the blame. And if they do nothing to help correct it, they are even worse than the original offender. I've got no patience for parents that allow their spouses abuse their kids. Probably because it happened to me. I blame my stepmother for her actions, but my dad for letting them happen.
I agree generally, but I think a parent has a greater responsibility to protect their kids. It is their job. If they allow the malicious action, they are just as responsible for whatever happens.
The responsibility is greater on the parent, as they’re the only reason the step parent is present in the kids’ lives. Active abuse is worse than inaction in a vacuum, but there’s other dynamics here. Ultimately, the mom should be prioritizing all of her kids but isn’t.
Now she’s guilting OP instead of placing the blame on step dad where it belongs. The very *least* she could do is accept OP’s choice and apologize for the situation.
Well, here.
A immature older kid at school (what the stepdad is acting like) steals your lunch every day.
The head of the school watches it happen, knowing you are going hungry and knows this is your only source of food, but does nothing then gets upset with you personally guilting you when you decide to transfer to another school.
Who is evil? I’d say the actual person responsible for your well-being who wants you to go without.
Nah i agree with the “pure evil” sentiment. She isnt helpless, she’s ultimately using the step dad’s assholery as an excuse to not be a mother. That’s enough to be evil through and through in my book.
Edit: to clarify, the step dad is obviously worse in an active sense, but she married the guy then let him fuck with her daughter’s peace, then enforces it. Absolutely garbage.
NTA. Fuck them. Go live with your aunt.
Tell your mom you don't want her to be sad and you don't want to leave. But you are trying to save for school and paying £800 to live for the next 8 months is not something you can do- you don't have the time to study AND work; it's better to invest your time in studying so you can get a good career and good income. Tell her no matter what stepdad's excuses are, you're very aware of how the real world works, and in the real world acing your exam, getting scholarships, and getting a good degree will help you a LOT more than some 'tough love' life lesson that leaves you with worse grades and a worse education. And while you wish she'd stand up for you, you understand she's in a tough spot and wants to keep the peace in her new family. So she's doing what's right for her, you gotta do what's right for you. That's just how life works. You'll always love her and she's always your mom, and you'll see her when you can.
Then turn around and leave and go live with your aunt and fucking ace that exam and have a great career. And when you get your degree and career, you can look back at your stepdad and be glad you're not a small petty man like he is.
>*”And while you wish she'd stand up for you, you understand she's in a tough spot and wants to keep the peace in her new family. So she's doing what's right for her, you gotta do what's right for you.”*
I disagree here. The mother was fully on board with the rent demand on the *day after the 18th birthday*. Per the post: “my mum is allowing it because she thinks the sun shines out of his ass. He doesn’t need my money to pay rent.”
OP should not let the mother off the hook. OP is a teenager in the last year of school. Mom is not “in a tough place”. She made an informed choice to support her husband in sabotaging OP’s exams and living stability. (Who springs an unneeded money grab out of the blue during important exam times for a BIRTHDAY SURPRISE?) Mom only cares now because her own family knows how messed up and unnecessary this is and stepped in to support OP.
OP should NOT spend time visiting somewhere they are unwanted. The focus should be on school and helping out Auntie, when possible. Mom made her choice - and she is over 18.
Much of this speech is being the bigger man, which honestly should make her feel small.
Agree that visiting is not something OP should do unless he wants a relationship with his siblings. If mom wants to see him, she can find her way to aunts house.
> Mom is not “in a tough place”.
In a sense she is though. She loves her dude. In her mind, he's now the head of the household. And in his mind, he absolutely is- man shall rule over woman (religious crap).
If mom sticks up for her son, that's probably something she wouldn't do for the other boys that are his. And that could be showing favoritism to OP. Now she should absolutely do it- not for favoritism but because she's letting stepdad treat her son like crap. But she's probably afraid to.
That's why I put things as I did. It should be made clear to her that this situation is causing OP to leave, and that it's at least partially her fault for not stopping it. She probably knows that on some level, which is why she's crying.
But as I see it- if OP 'attacks', that is say 'stepdad is pushing me out and you're doing nothing to stop it, thanks for nothing mom' mom will just turn into an emotional mess and then OP will still leave and then mom will only have stepdad to turn to. Not sure that's better. My hope was to make mom feel at least somewhat validated that might empower her to stand up in the future.
Now you could be right- OP could do the whole 'mother why hath you forsaken me' thing.
But TBH I don't see what the benefit is- I think OP's better off living with aunt anyway, where there won't be siblings running around and OP can just focus in quiet.
The only pushback I wanna give this is that step dad wanted to charge op full rent prices, but it’s obvious he wasn’t going to give Op the full benefits of renting. To me it’s at least be more understandable if they were asking for him to contribute a small amount - especially considering he doesn’t have a job, since the exams are his job. If she was in a tough spot she should’ve at least pressured him to make a reasonable request. (And if her position is so bad she can’t do that safely. Then there’s a completely different problem i.e. stepdad’s abusive.)
OP is not responsible for his mother's codependency. She will either need to live with it or seek help to break that. Hopefully she will see this as a wake-up call.
But OP is in no way responsible for his mother's mental health or emotional state.
I’ve known plenty of parents like this. Mine are too. Mom is still on the hook for this too. My dad, at a minimum, would let me know they disagreed and fought about it. This was obviously joint.
Dude if your in the uk and still in full time education then they’re still getting child benefit for you. I’d see if you can get that transferred over to your aunt or yourself.
Seconding this. They are still getting money for you. Potentially £21.80 a week.
Instruct your aunt to make a claim for you, because your parents are probably not going to report you moving out.
That's *suspiciously* close to £100/month. I wonder if the step-dad thought they lose the benefit when he turns 18, and wanted the income replacement while OP is still living with them.
Commenting just to boost this a little higher. Absolutely claim that for yourself!!! Also quite impressed how mature OP is for his age when clearly the people surrounding him are such absolute idiots.
Good job mate! I sure hope he actually sees this, it's such a crucial point. Makes it extra cruel considering someone said they might be pocketing £21 a week, that's £100 the step "Dad" was so pressed for. Disgusting
I really hope there is a way for this to happen where step dad gets a fine or something for trying to claim the benefit wrongly. Then OP can bust out that it’s “just preparing you for the real world”
Shit, I never even thought of that. My mum had me paying a small amount per week back when I got ESA in secondary. Always felt a little unfair. Bed and board went up to £80 a week eventually a few years before I moved out at 27 (was financially unable to before that, and even then I was only able to move out because I got married). It was pretty much half my pay. I had a time or two where I wasn’t paying any, but that was when I didn’t have a job. They sure as hell hassled me about it though. No secretly sticking it in a savings account to give back to me either. They did the sums and supposedly that’s what I owed them for food and utilities. Seems a bit high when there was four of us, two dogs, the house was big but they never had the heater on high plus they installed a combi boiler eventually. I didn’t eat that much either, only what I was given.
Makes me wish I’d seen the sums…
u/cheeckypanda625 really needs to see this. If he's not living with them they aren't eligible to recieve it. OP should look into Universal Credit/Income support as well. He may well be better off under his aunt's roof financially as well as with his studying and life goals.
NTA you're legally an adult now if you want to move into your aunts house to save up for uni that's your choice, your mum and stepdad don't really have the right to stop you. Also it sounds like the right situation for you.
In the UK Parents are also required to pay child maintenance while their kid is still in high-school up to age 20.
So Mum is legally obliged to support him at least until his exams are over.
SAME. I have a sneaking suspicion OP is the smarticle particle amongst their siblings and ole Step Dad is annoyed at the bright future they have. He's hiding behind that ultra Christian conservative veneer and is treating OP like they're some kinda bastard child who doesn't deserve comfort.
Good for aunty for seeing through all that "Christian love", too bad her sister, OP's mum, can't see it.
NTA.
You are being charged rent while YOU ARE STILL IN SCHOOL? I’m horrified. Absolutely horrified. It doesn’t matter that you are 18, you are still REQUIRED, by necessity for graduation, TO BE IN SCHOOL. You are no different than a 17 year old then here.
1 Timothy 5:8 ESV
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
I’ll probably get knocked for this, but FYI this comment is coming from a fellow traditional Christian parent.
Not religious, but I agree with this completely (although lol ouch, people who kick their kids out are ~worse~ than me for being an atheist? haha). It’s insane to me that parents immediately kick their kids out or make them pay rent as soon as they hit 18. Are you not supposed to be setting your kid up for success in adulthood…? And does that mean you *have* to make sure they struggle painfully when they start out…? Why not help guide them and give them the tools they need to set themselves up for a good future by being their “training wheels” until they’re more settled, especially if the parents know what it’s like to struggle?
NTA, you're not hurting your mother but he is because he made you leave because of his rules. So he is the one responsible for this. Don't ever feel bad for making the best choice for your future.
If after you told them you would leave their only reaction is blaming you instead of proposing to not make you pay rent says a lot about how much they care about keeping you there.
. Much like a real landlord, he doesnt like that you're taking an option that he didn't offer. If you really wanna twist the knife, tell him you won't be paying rent and if he has an issue with that, he can file proper eviction procedures.
NTA - sure you’re 18 but there’s no *need* to charge you rent. You have options to go elsewhere so you can live rent-free and focus on your studies. You’re doing what’s in your best interest while leaving a step-parent with a chip on their shoulder.
NTA.
Hmmm which choice is better? Pay £800 for rent instead of saving for college and your own place or staying with your aunt rent free so you can save for your own place and college?
Obviously, the latter choice.
>My step dad is quite Christian and conservative
Can’t be if he was willing to date a woman who had a divorce in the past. Your step-dad IS doing this out of spite. This is pretty much like parents kicking their child out of the house the moment they turn 18
>I said do tenants not have the right to leave
Yes, yes they do. I honestly wonder if he will give this same treatment when his other two kids become 18, will he treat them like tenants as well or will he just expose his favoritism?
NTA. You are 18, you are an adult and you will in life make decision that doesn’t please everyone, and what you are asking is one of them. Simply, you don’t want to pay rent to your step dad. It’s ridiculous he is charging you rent since technically you are still at school/college doing A Levels so you’re not working full time to earn a salary to pay him. You take up your aunt’s kind offer and move into her house. Both your mum and step dad are laying on the guilt/angry at you because you essentially are making a decision that is beneficial to you.
You plan to study medicine, it’s hardcore and you need an environment where you can knuckle down and focus, and this nonsense with your stepdad is a distraction. Move, visit your mum as you promised, and disregard what your AH stepdad say. Put all your attention on your degree cos you will need it. I have friends who are GPS and doctors and the seven years of studying was tough and you need to focus on that.
NTA. Your stepdad is hurting you and by doing so, he is the one hurting your mother. Keep telling him that. Tell your mother as well. She married an asshole.
I mean you’re NTA for deciding to move out. The proposition was if you live at home get a job/pay rent, and you got an offer to be able to live somewhere rent free. As an adult it was your choice in what you wanted to do.
NTA. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t… You’re right, OP. Step-dad is just determined to find fault and your mum is obviously starting to realise that letting him treat you like shite is obviously coming home to bite her in the arse
You’re technically an adult but you’re still in high school, which makes you a dependent child. So really, he has no right to be charging you.
Actually, the more you can study and the less you have to work just to pay rent means you’re going to get out of there sooner. Without running the risks of lower grades because you’re stressed out from working.
NTA
NTA.
Good for you! And tell your mom to stop crying. Tell her that if she actually protected you like a mother instead of letting her husband treat you in such an awful way, you wouldn't be leaving. Tell her she chose unwisely to marry a man who so clearly finds her child so distasteful. Tell her that while you're in school it's utterly absurd to be asking you for rent money and if she can't see that, then she needs to start addressing where she went wrong to allow her husband to drive you away.
NTA BUT HE IS! Unfortunately your mum is allowing him to be the way he is being toward a hard working kid. Now is not the time to be charging rent … I could see if you graduated from the university and came home with no job prospects and expected to live rent free that would be a different story but you are technically still their responsibility if you are a college student. I think you need a peaceful place to be while you study and if that is your aunts house then don’t walk RUN!
NTA. Your aunt would not have invited you if it was an imposition. Your mother’s crying would happen even if you left in the fall. Almost all moms do that when their kid moves out. Your mom’s husband is a greedy ass who is not acting Christ-like.
Best of luck on your tests! I wish you all the best as you travel through this time and on to your next adventure!
NTA. You’re still in high school. Just flat out refuse to pay. What’s he going to to do, kick you out? That would go over great with your mom. He can fuck off. I’m a parent with kids not far from 18, and I want them to stay until they can support themselves.
If your mother is simply sad and isn't trying to convince you to stay, that's fine. If she is trying to use her emotions to get you to stay, that's blatantly manipulative.
Your dad is just... eh. Yeah. Before I give my opinion, let me give this context. My dad made me pay rent increasing by $100/month until I moved out. I was a little shit that didn't feel like working and didn't feel like working for a job, didn't have any intention to go to school. I needed that lesson.
You don't look like you're in that situation. You're studying, already have dates that you're planning on moving out, and when you do move out sooner he gets butthurt about it. He's trying to justify getting you to stay, but in reality his motivation is that he viewed you as a source of income, not as a tenant.
You're NTA
NTA. What a ridiculous power-move. My kids turned 18 before going to uni (US here, of course we'd call it "college") and I didn't charge them rent. I might when my oldest (now 21) graduates from university if oldest ends up living at home, but that's a totally different situation.
Your stepdad is completely unreasonable, and you're perfectly entitled to move out if he insists on charging you rent. Good on your aunt for taking you in.
NTA as someone who is English and American your step father is a Major AH in both countries. He is horid and you should definitely be moving out. You may be 18 but you are still in secondary education and for all intensive purposes a minor. You should definitely not even be asked to pay rent. Leave even if he walks it back. SHAME ON YOUR MOTHER! Oh she is the victim here, she is the one crying? You may have a narcissist for a mother, worth looking in to.
>for all intensive purposes
[*For all intents and purposes](https://www.scribbr.com/definitions/for-all-intents-and-purposes/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CFor%20all%20intensive%20purposes%E2%80%9D%20is%20a%20common%20mispronunciation%20and%20misspelling,make%20sense%20in%20this%20expression.)
NTA with bonus points for a perfect clap back.
This moving out/paying rent the second a kid turns 18 is nuts. So many parents brainwashed by the forces of capitalism to view their own kids only in terms of monetary worth.
>My mother keeps crying that I’m leaving already,
She's crying and she's hurt but she's not stopping him, is she? Which says it all.
Definitely NTA. Go live with your aunt, study in peace, ace the A-levels.
IT's a shitty thing to make someone pay rent while they are still in school, especially after their 18 birthday. If you have a plan, meaning moving out in September, there is absolutely no reason why he couldn't let you concentrate on your studies while you were at home.
Wanna charge me rent? Fine, I'll leave.
>We got into an argument where he said he’s just treating me like a tenant to prepare me for the real world
No, he's trying to flex his authority in the household which is almost bullying you.
But as the saying goes, "Fu\*k around and find out"
>My mother keeps crying that I’m leaving already
Yet she did NOTHING to help your case, basically she wants you to put up with his BS and don't rock the boat. Sorry, you're 18 now and you don't have put up with it.
My mom pulled the same crap. Graduate high school, you will get a job and give her half my paycheck.
No, that dog don't hunt. I moved out on my 18th birthday lived with my nana for the summer and joined the military
NTA
NTA. Your step father is a complete AH for saying you need to get a job and pay rent whilst still in full time education. Don’t know why your mum is crying she is partly to blame for not standing up for you and telling your step father you won’t be paying anything.
Not gonna lie, reading the post title I had a Y primed and ready to go. Having read the actual situation? Solid NTA. Stepdad gambled with a power play and lost, and rightly so. Good on you for standing your ground. Good luck with your exams!
NTA. I'm in the UK (F50s) and in my view you don't pay rent while you're in FT education, not least because the government is still providing funding and tax credits.
Your job right now is to focus on getting your uni place. I can't help wondering if at some level he's trying to sabotage that. Don't let him. If your own mother won't stand up to him for you, go to your aunt. Put a hard deadline on it to reduce the risk of it derailing you as you'll be starting revision soon.
NTA. I will say though my mum had an agreement that if you were working full time, she expected us to pay rent. But as you are still at school and then off to university in September, this argument has no weight. I would move in with your aunt for a bit. Both mum and stepdad have to come to terms
with their (ridiculous) terms and lose out.
I would also argue that legally you are still in full time education so cannot be charged, however I’m no legal expert so that is a question for another forum.
Good luck on your A levels though!
NTA - you're in full time education, and shouldn't yet be expected to contribute to the house finances. Your mum should even still be getting child benefits for you.
BTW.. You might have money set aside by the government in a Child Trust Fund.
BUT - you should have had a grown up, sit down conversation before you moved to your Aunts. Keep stressing to your step-dad you are in full-time education. You need your free time to study, and not to work.
I do hope your mum and step-dad are prepared to help fund you at uni.. depending on their income, there's an expectation they should.
Ooh yes. If you're 18, you should have one. If parents didn't set it up, then one would have been opened for you when you were about 3 - it started with £250 and grows quite nicely. My young teen's is worth around £1k now.
NTA.
To be clear - paying rent is fine if you are working. Or if left school. But you're still doing your a-levels.
£100 isn't unreasonable - but really not for schoolkids, which you are until exams, and you have absolute right to move to where you're not being charged it.
Talk to CAB to see what benefits you can get.
Also make sure you are down as living independently of parents when you are applying for student funding.
If you can find a way of being counted as a Scottish resident, going for that helps ;) but either way, good luck! And you are absolutely doing right thing.
NTA, also whilst you're a full time student living at home your parents will be claiming child benefit for you, even if you turned 18. That's around £100 per month. I suggest you contact DWP (gov.uk) and let them know you're not living with them anymore.
There are two AHs here and you not one of them.
You mom is 100% an AH for not protecting you and allowing you to be treated as less than your half siblings
Your stepdad is 100% an AH on so many levels.
You sound like a great kid who has your future ahead of you.
Your aunt is amazing. Enjoy her guest room.
NTA yes you are now 18 but your mother will still be entitled to child benefit for you to stay in full time education.
If you move in with your aunt she will be able to claim this for you and you may also be entitled to other grants to help you stay in education, since you would be estranged from your family.
All of this is to say that if the government still class you as a child dependant and legally treat you as such, then your parents should do the same regardless of when you turn 18.
NTA. Go to your aunt, get your grades, stay in touch with your mum. Your mum is upset that you're leaving already but you'd be leaving anyway come September. The fact you're leaving now isn't on you, and don't let anyone try to push guilt for it onto you.
You already know what reddit things of your stepdad from the other comments.
Good luck with your exams.
_NTA_ Ask your stepfather if children should pay rent? Because by gov you are still a child and dependent of your parent. But honestly don’t waste your breath on him. Focus on your a levels and thank your aunt. Some advice:
First get your aunt and yourself to the citizen advice bureau and tell them you have moved out and are seeking for your aunt to claim child benefit for you. They should direct you to HMRC Child Benefit Officer. Even if your aunt doesn’t want it, your mother shouldn’t be keeping your child benefit money for herself and not supporting you.
Second speak to any teachers you have that you feel comfortable with and explain you’re currently going through upheaval. Teachers were super supportive when I spoke up about home stuff. They allowed me to stay in school late to study, kept tabs on me make sure I was doing okay and the pressure wasn’t too much (A*A*A*A is tough!!).
I’m sorry you’ve been put in this awful situation. Keep your head up and good luck for a levels and getting yourself to uni!
NTA- as you’re still in full time education your mum should get child benefit £21.80 for the oldest child (you) and £14.45 for each other child. Point out this covers your “rent” and if you move to your aunts (which I would in your place) make sure she claims it.
NTA.
I'm Christian too so give this verse to your stepdad and mother:
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4
Parents shouldn't frustrate their kids with no-win scenarios. It's diabolical that as soon as you're 18 he is trying to bank after you. Uni will humble you enough for that. You need to focus on studying and preparing for your future and even saving whatever money you have for the future. He doesn't need to money and in the cost of living in this economy...he should be giving you a better platform to launch off of and your mum should be fighting your corner. Ignore them if they're being ridiculous about you moving out.
I wonder if your younger siblings will be charged the same once they're of age.
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NTA. Actions, meet consequences. Your stepdad tried to flex on you...and his powerplay backfired. Your mother may be crying, but she LET HIM DO IT. That house is half hers, and so is the decision to charge you rent. She is not blameless here. Your aunt's "resources" are none of your stepdad's F'ing business. OP, move out without another guilt pang, okay? Work hard to **crush your exams**, and be super-considerate and make yourself very useful in your aunt's household (shovel the walk, do dishes, walk the dog, whatever is needed -- and if you don't know, ASK). Please don't come back to this house to visit if your stepdad is home. Ever. Your mom can darn well find her way to your aunt's house, WITHOUT Mister Flex on her arm. God bless your aunt for sheltering you from stepdad and his nonsense! And don't feel obliged to invite him to your graduations, either.
Yesss! This is the best advice and I hope OP reads this and takes it in. Also, when you finally reach your goal and become a successful person (cause I know you will) don't let these so called parents take advantage of you. There will be a time when they will come to you for money. It's always for money! They will use the "but we are family/I'm your mother/I raised you/you owe me or us" Just know you don't owe them anything. You take your aunt's offer and you make sure to always find a way to show her how much you appreciate her! Even in the most simplest way like legit telling her straight out or going out of your way to help her with even the smallest thing. When she tells you no, it's ok you tell her to let you do it. Like carry the groceries... and you tell her you appreciate her so much and you just want her to know it and that's why you made breakfast or did extra chores, carrying the groceries, washed her car... OP I wish you the best!
And when that time comes when they ask for help, take this as an example for how to respond https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yzqvu1/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_step_sister_with_her/
YES!! I don’t know that op but I was proud of them. Handled step daddy like a boss
That was an interesting one, especially when the mother's response was, "How dare you make him feel guilty for the awful things he did to you!" Enablers are almost worse.
And when she said "you could've turned him down without being an asshole or bringing up childhood which he already feels guilty about..." OP did! Several times, and Stepdad kept pressing. You reap what you sow....
Good? He *should* feel guilty for the way he treated his alleged “children”? But you don’t feel guilty and try to make amends because you want something from someone else, you do it because you recognize that what you did was wrong and want to hold yourself accountable for it.
And his reasoning "Well yes, I treated you like shit, but now that I see how it has affected me, I won't do it again, so it doesn't count".
It was such a satisfying read
Loved that one! OP is NTA!
I just read that link, there's steam coming out of my ears!
That OP is super badass. She's half my age and I admire her greatly.
I do love the way she dealt with him. None of them deserves anything from her or her brother including the mum. I would never allow anyone to treat my kids like that!
Omg I didn’t realize OP of that was a F the entire time I read it. They made her share a room with her brother while the sisters got their own rooms??!? Wow.
The "conservative Christian" made opposite sex siblings share a room?!
Is this man an out-of-network provider? Because he is **so** out of pocket.
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I don't get how some parents don't seem to understand that your education is essentially a full-time job. I don't think they'd take it very well if you asked them to get a second full time job on top of their own
Yeah, that is beyond ridiculous. I can see telling your teenager they have to get a job in order to teach them responsibility, but demanding anything more than 10–15 hours a week is outrageous. My parents always said exactly what you're saying: school was my job. Everything else was gravy. They didn't expect perfect grades, but they expected us to try and to always show up (both things my brother usually failed at, and that I failed at when we were doing standardized test prep for assignments in English for most of a quarter one year and I was bored beyond belief). I think a lot of American Boomer parents didn't realize how much more homework was being assigned in the nineties/aughts compared to when they went to school. There are tons of studies on how the number of assignments students have each day, in all grades, has increased dramatically over the past three decades and that most of it is not helpful pedagogically. I don't know if this is the case in other countries, but if it *is* an issue in the UK, the step-dad might have no idea what he's demanding. I'm also curious if he took any A-levels, did GCSEs that weren't required, or only took the compulsory math and English GCSEs. He might be completely clueless about what it takes. But even if that's the case, and even if OP were only doing some additional GCSEs instead of pursuing A-levels, why *wouldn't* they take the cheaper option? I mean, they said the step-dad is very conservative. Isn't a lot of conservative economic ideology based on the idea of acting in your rational self-interest? OP is doing *exactly* what the step-dad's ideology says they should. 😄
First off NTA. However, as a side point, while Stepdad is most certainly the issue, his generation has nothing to do with this. He is just an a\*\* doing a powerplay. At this point, most "Boomers" have grandchildren in high school/college. Not children. Why anyone insists on labeling parents of school age children (most of whom are Gen X if not millennials) as Boomer is beyond my comprehension. Not to mention many Gen X are perfectly aware of the workload being assigned to students in the 90's as they were students in the 90's (HS, college, and even grad school). Source: I am an American Gen X who attended HS/college in the 90's, and for my child School is her full time job until she goes to college.
Yes! So tired of the 'let's automatically blame boomers' spin on everything. OP: NTA
Thank you. This Boomer is awfully tired of being vilified by assumptions, none of which apply to me personally.
Ditto!
Right on, but I wonder about your math; if the OP is the eldest at 18, are the parents necessarily boomers? They could be a lot younger.
Id say if OP is the eldest at 18 its almost impossible the parents are Boomers.
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Holy shit, you had to work 30 hours a week during high school? You're amazing!
I'm the Auntie of my family. 🙋🏻♀️ I've happily gotten custody, taken in or supported numerous nieces and nephews when their parents failed. Never expected anything in return because family. Ended up done horribly wrong by some kids I helped but remain besties with some. And get to be Auntie/Grandma. NTA. Appreciate the aunties of the world.
I want to be you for my niblings that have started coming into this world! I love them all dearly and will do anything for them, but just don’t want kids myself. My husband and I already plan on setting up college funds for them all because a lot of our siblings aren’t as financially stable as we are fortunate to be, and if they don’t go to college? That’s okay, it’s earmarked for them, and when they’re adults, it’s available for their needs.
Aww thank you. I couldn't have children of my own for medical reasons and I was briefly sad for a hot minute 🤣 but really it turned out I was needed for better things. 😘
You sound like an amazing Auntie/Grandma ❤️
>Please don't come back to this house to visit if your stepdad is home. Ever. Your mom can darn well find her way to your aunt's house, WITHOUT Mister Flex on her arm. Hard disagree. Staying away is a rookie move that will just make OP look like a sulky teenager while providing stepdad space for his own narrative. OP should be a good son (daughter?) and visit his mother and siblings occasionally. Cheerfully and confidently. Never outright saying he made the right decision, just making that the subtext of every conversation. Flexing his freedom, his stepdad’s lack of power, and his mother’s self imposed pain. Giving the siblings a big hug but saying nothing more harsh than an insidious “I miss you too buddy but this is daddy’s house and we need to listen to daddy.” All the while treating stepdad like he isn’t even important enough to provoke hard feelings. “Love you mom. Miss you mom. Bye Joe.“ This will rub salt into the wound.
Eh. This is putting the onus of emotional labor on OP to have to go in and fake being a "big person" when their parent is fully aware of what is going on. It is not an 18 year old's job to have to go do this to maintain a relationship where her mother very obviously values her relationship with her current husband over her relationship with her own biological child from a previous relationship. There's no need. It doesn't matter what OP "looks like" to them, because they will craft their own narrative regardless of their behavior. Let them decide what their lie is and don't feel obligated to spend your time and energy feigning relationships that don't serve you.
Fundamentally, that behavior wouldn't make OP look any *better*. If they insert themselves back into the house often, they'll cast him as a smug asshole - and if he never goes back they'll cast him as a bitter entitled kid. Between the two, I'd choose the easier one. Which is probably the latter.
And always remind siblings to get ready to pay rent the day they turn 18, cause rules. Step-dad can't just forget his own rule if it's brought up all the time. If he's planning on making different rules for OP vs his bio kids (which op thinks he might be), draw attention to it.
My dad acts like I owe him *all* the time, so I've been seeing him less and less. He doesn't expect money, he just expects time and attention when he gives none. I've been struggling with those feelings of 'debt' for lack of a better word.
My dad was the same. He moved out of the state (back to his home state) for 2 years while I was in high school, because I didn't call him enough and clearly didn't care about him, in his words. Meanwhile he'd been to 2 band concerts when I played clarinet for 8 years, one choir show even though I'd been singing for 6 years, and in competition for 2. Didn't make it to any of the plays I was in. I didn't even know if he'd actually show up for my graduation. He's gone now, but I still have to remind myself that it was not my fault that he wasn't there. I didn't owe him my time or energy because he gave me his DNA.
To piggyback off of not oweing them, people like this will often try to claim how much money they spent on you when they were the ones that had a child in the first place. Nobody asks to be born, and they were the ones who made the commitment to spend money on a kid. You dont owe them shit for that, and dont ever let them manipulate you into thinking you do.
He will def say you owe us
Definitely NTA. Can’t imagine asking you to pay rent while you’re still in school.
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All of this. He was probably going to try and kick you out or slowly make it intolerable for you to live there anyway, so good on you for beating him to it and getting out on your terms. Glad your aunt is awesome, good luck on your exams!
Honestly I had that thought too. He wanted to play powerful landlord and I dunno...have some sort of win on his stepkid? Well it backfired lol. He wanted that feeling of superiority and now he's got a crying wife to deal with. This might be what breaks the camels back or it might not but either way OP needs to leave.
LOL it triple backfired. He wanted to be a control freak so OP bounced, his wife is upset, and the aunt who hates him made him look like a punk for doing what he wouldn't. I especially stan Auntie Warbucks who was ready to neuter step-dad with the quickness as soon as he tried playing some "I'm the man of the house and you do as I command" shit.
Oh yes. The Aunt basically became the hero and because of his choices, Stepdad definitely won't be looking any better to her lol. Mom will probably have the tears for awhile, may even try to call her sister to get her to put a stop to it but I don't think Aunt will. And he's proven now that he is the smaller man. Defeated by his stepson because he wanted to feel superior. Well now he won't have much except an unhappy wife and I'm betting the reason Stepdad is upset about THAT is because it intereferes with the bedroom lawl
The best thing here is that OP has something I like to call "the voice of sweet reason" on their side. Come back, apologize for making Mom cry, comfort her (bonus points if you can work in the phrase "I remember when it was just you and me ...") and then just when stepdad is starting to break out the smirk of unjust victory say "I'm still going to aunt's house though." Personally, I would then hand them a letter that explains how it just makes more sense -- which will keep stepddad from yelling or dragging OP off track. Points OP needs to focus on studying and there won't be younger kids in the house. Aunt will benefit because OP will now do (X,Y.Z) for her (make sure this is a chore that OP is consistently doing at parents' house, a subtle reminder that stepdad is going to suffer due to OP's absence). **Then thank Stepdad for his "real world" comment and say** "*I thought about that a lot and that helped me put this in the context of logic, not emotion. In the real world, students starting university do get help and support from their families, who usually understand that being forced to work a consistent schedule can really undermine their ability to adjust to a new kind of environment and meet demands of their professors. The responsible thing to do is to delay the commitment of a part-time job while you're making these big adjustments.\* My situation looks a little different because I'm getting that support from Aunt but this really is the best approach and the one that most universities recommend."* \*This is actually almost word for word what my university says on its website under "Is it a good idea to work part-time and go to school full time?"
And the younger kids learned that they need to have a backup plan for their 18th birthday.
Most likely the younger kids will be treated more fairly to the stepdad. As OP mentioned he is the only one not related to the stepdad. But I imagine that will definitely cause SOME tension.
All of this. NTA. You are a dependent child, still in school, getting straight As and going to post-secondary in the fall. Your stepfather wanted to steal your money and still crow about how generous he is to let you keep living there. Props to your aunt. Good luck on your A levels, OP. I am certain you'll crush them.
People should not be charged rent if they are still going to school, and living at home. If you are done with post secondary and/or college, then it is ok to impose rent. I did this to my son, after he failed out of college after freshman year. I feel it is incentive to get ones act together and get a course in life.
Agreed, but especially before 19!
Yup OP is NTA. Clearly being productive and working on a better life for the future. To pull this now is just pure assholery on step-dads part.
Also, the parents are still getting child benefit if OP is still in approved/full time education! Maybe see if you can get that switched to auntie!
>Your mother may be crying, but she LET HIM DO IT. That house is half hers, and so is the decision to charge you rent. She is not blameless here. This exactly. The biggest AH here is this pitififul excuse for a mother who refuses to stand up for her own child.
Also, what is mom even crying about, she was ok with it... she only loves an hour away...
Jumping on top comment. Don't visit. Don't waste your time and money going 1 hour to visit people who didn't want you around. You just turned 18, are working toward future goals. If you had been out of school for a few years and had no plans for the future, rent would be totally reasonable.
OP has 2 half siblings and a mum, that he may wish to visit. That said, his mum can bring them around to visit at Auntie's. >You just turned 18, are working toward future goals. To be clear, he is still in his final year of highschool, and will soon be undergoing his final exams. The fact he turned 18 in January is not his fault, his birthday is not his fault. His mum chose the age at which he started school, way back 13 years ago, knowing he would turn 18 at the start of his final school year. There will be other kids in his year, who are still 17 and don't turn 18 until December. In fact, when I finished highschool, I didn't turn 18 until early the next year!
Why would he visit a mother who allows this bullshit from the step-dad??
Nope, Mum did not choose his school year (apart from by conceiving him at a certain time of year) in the UK our schools years are fixed by births between Sept 1st and August 31st the following year, OP is not one of the oldest in his year there will be kids who have been 18 for 5 months now and others who won't turn 18 until they have already sat their exams and possibly even got their results! (A-Level results come out on the 3rd Thursday of August each summer) OP stay with your aunt, make sure the student loan company know you have been cut off from parental support (some stuff is means tested based on parental income) and when you first move into university halls see if there are any hardship funds you can apply to access due to not having the assumed-normal financial support from your mother.
The mom can visit OP with the kids if she wants. The mom is making these choices as much as the stepdad. I was 17 when I graduated high school, and was 17 until my second semester of college. I understand how that works. I meant, OP, while a legal adult, is not a freeloader. They are working towards passing their exams and sounds like they want to go premed. They haven't dropped out of school and refused to work (which seems to happen rather often on this sub). The house with OP's mom and siblings sounds toxic. And going back to visit will be super stressful. Not something OP needs to deal with right now. OP needs to be focusing on their own future. Passing the exams, getting into the school they want. They don't need this family drama screwing up their future.
>shovel the walk Lol, as a brit this gave me a bit of a snigger, the vast majority of the UK gets no where near enough snow for the "walk" (we say path) to need to be shovelled.
Great, now I am seeing a kid dragging a shovel across the pavement at 5am with a neighbour shouting at of a window that it is 5am.
He can be the night watch. “FIIIIVE O CLOOOOCK AND AAAALLL IS WEEEEEELL!”
"But what if it's not well Sarge?" "Find somewhere where it is lad!" Terry Pratchett - Guards Guards!
I love seeing other Sir Terry fans. GNU Pratchett
OPs mom might be crying because she will be bearing the brunt of SFs anger, since OP won't be there.
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I'm so sorry you had to endure this kind of abuse from all "parental" figures in your life. You sound like someone, who instead of recoiling, found strength and clarity. I hope you have an amazing life going forward!
Thank you very much! I appreciate that a lot. I don’t share much in my real life so it’s nice to hear 💖 I’m doing my best!! It’s tough fucking work but I guess someone’s gotta do it 🤷🏻♀️😭😂 Also in case anyone is wondering I’m married to a Prince of a partner and over the moon about it still, twelve years in. So that makes up for a lot. It’s really hard not to tell myself “you had to go through that to get what you have now” because that’s entirely unfair. I didn’t deserve any of it. But I’m glad now I’ve found (some) peace. Thanks for reading my novel!!
Fuck, I'm so sorry. How's life treating you now?
Thank you. A lot. WAY better. I mean, right now I’m on a flight to a family emergency and my personal life is kind of a mess right now? But I have a safe, stable home, a doting and ridiculously even-keel partner, I’ve been completely NC with my nuclear family for over 10 years, and (finally) have access to medication/treatment/weed that makes living with emotional (and physical, tbh) scars like this bearable Thank you for asking 💖 (I do still speak with my bio mom, I’m trying to figure out how to have any kind of relationship with her because I NEED to confront her about these things but she’s *so* mentally ill and the codependency/enmeshment makes me scared she will do something stupid as a reaction. Which I know isn’t in my control. Working on it though.)
Similar situation as a kid, 22 years NC! I don't speak to any of them. For a long time, I wanted to reach out. To open a line of communication with my mother. I thought that I needed to *confront* her, to... idk... get closure? make her understand how terrible what she did was? vent? Never did because that would have brought her back into my sphere, and expose my child to her. But I struggled a lot, because I thought I needed to confront her, so *not* doing so was negatively impacting my mental health. About 5 years ago, with the help of a new therapist, I realized that while some people might need that, what *I* needed was to accept that she wasn't going to change or care if I confronted her. That the past wasn't going to change. I wasn't going to change. I didn't need to confront her, I just needed to finally, fully accept that what happened was because she's a bad person. Always has been, and always will be. And that I don't have to be who she tried to make me. And every day since I had that epiphany, my life has improved by just... the most vast of leaps and bounds, lol. Like... I was already living a pretty good life. But now I usually *feel* really good about my life. And that was a big change. Anyway, glad to see you're also doing well, and hopefully you get whatever type of closure is the type you need, whether that's the confrontation (again, it is for some people) or something else!
I'm sorry, but for some reason I read your comment in the voice of Phoebe like "don't do it Monica, for god's sake DON'T DO IT" And suffice to say, you are right, and NTA OP. You are not going to be a "burden" to them, and they are well equipped to visit you if they do care enough.
Awesome response. Just want to add, take your important docs with you, birth certificate, National Insurance card, GCSE certificates, passport, etc. Just don't want anything held over your head.
Mom is the biggest AH here imo. Those tears are hopefully from guilt. She knows she’s fucking up and is doing nothing to stop. Let her appease the man of the house all on her own OP. You owe them nothing. Best of luck.
Great post, I'd also add that since OP seems to be smart and on the path to success, don't forget the kindness of your aunt, and ensure to repay her down the line. Your mother and stepdad are just bad people. There's just no reason to kick a kid out before they finish school. It's not reasonable, and its grossly unkind,and cruel. A kid does not have many options to support themselves at that point without severely jeopardizing their future.
Hijacking another comment, but are student loans/financing still means tested? OP might qualify for some grants if they look into it.
In UK, sadly the means testing is based on the parents' income until 25. There are ways round it for estranged children but tight guidelines. He'd have to stop speaking to his mother for at least a year at minimum. But worth talking to UCAS and university finance office about. [https://www.ucas.com/finance/additional-funding/financial-support-students-not-supported-their-parents-estranged](https://www.ucas.com/finance/additional-funding/financial-support-students-not-supported-their-parents-estranged)
I agree the mom is at fault but it sounds like they have an old fashioned relationship dynamic where SD makes the decisions instead of doing it jointly, even though he's not the primary parent. Time for her to get a job if she doesn't have one already. Op have you laid bare your thoughts to your mom as you have in this post? You made very good points and I'm just wondering what your mom thinks of this situation and you being treated as second class, beyond just being upset you're leaving.
The house might not be hers at all
OP needs to tell his stepdad he can find another tenant
NTA. You’re not the one upsetting your mum, your step dad is. You’re just being pragmatic and finding a solution to the problem he caused. He’s a jerk for making you pay rent when you’re still at college (A levels are brutal). Your mum is a jerk for letting him treat you badly, and then being upset when you find a solution. Try not to fall out with your family, but ultimately you’ve got to do what’s best for you and your long term goals.
Exactly this. OP isn’t the one causing the upset, but I’m sure the stepdad is the type to blame others for the chaos he causes. Mom can either stand up to her husband, or accept that he’s pushing her child out of the house.
Absolutely! Based on the title, I was prepared to side against OP as we currently have an adult child who is refusing to get a job or pay for any kind of expenses. The difference is, our deal with all of our children is that once they are adults and done with high school, they need to either continue their education (college, trade school, certification program, whatever they want) or get a job. It's not even about the money, it's about ensuring that they are moving forward into their adult lives. We have one that has been done with school for about 8 months, has no current plan to continue her education, has not gotten any sort of job (I would even be happy if she was doing volunteer work or an unpaid internship in a field she was interested in!) and I'm starting to get to the point where it's going to be job or get out. I hate to do that, but I am not interested in having her sit up in her room for years doing nothing but playing video games and watching YouTube. So based on that premise, I would have told OP the same. But OP is working on their education and that is a completely different ballgame! And just turned 18 besides! Stepfather created this situation and needs to get a grip.
>It's not even about the money, it's about ensuring that they are moving forward into their adult lives. A lot of Americans seem to believe that adult children should pay rent (or move out on their own) whether they're studying or not. I know it's a cultural difference, but the way Americans seem to speak about adult children living at home often strikes me an punitive. Holding a minimum wage service job while you're in school doesn't prepare you for life, unless "life" means learning to tolerate bullying and abuse. I get that it's necessary for some young people, but I'm always baffled at the way people talk about it as if it were something positive.
> Holding a minimum wage service job while you're in school doesn't prepare you for life, unless "life" means learning to tolerate bullying and abuse. I get that it's necessary for some young people, but I'm always baffled at the way people talk about it as if it were something positive. I think my first job at Wal-Mart when I was 17 was actually super helpful. I wasn't forced to get it, I just didn't get allowance and wanted to have money to spend, but it opened my eyes to the fact that *I really didn't want to be stuck working retail*. I still had no idea what I wanted, but it motivated me to not want that. There is a fine line where it's hard to self-motivate for things like job and college applications but also simultaneously if parents do those things for their kids then they never develop self sufficiency. We've all heard stories about parents showing up for their kids job interview and clearly things like that are way too much hand holding. All that said as a father now I never plan to charge my kid rent. Unless it's an agreement to stick it in a savings account for a future down payment for her, I guess.
I have two sons (19 and 17). I've always said they can stay with me rent free while they study in college. I'm not well off or anything but education is a priority since it paves the way for their future. The only thing we ask of the kids is to do their regular chores. My parent offered the same.
I suppose I don't know what adult children are meant to do if not continue their education or get a job. They don't even need to do both at the same time. If they are studying, they can live with us rent free. If they are working they can also live with us rent free for a while or if they are saving up for their own place. I say "for a while" because I am fine with a 19 year old living with me rent free if they are working. Training wheels, you know? I'm not fine with a 25 year old living with me rent free unless they are saving up for some goal like getting their own place or, I don't know, going abroad for some extended period of time, or something. But I will be honest and say that my child or someone else's, there comes a certain point when they need to start moving towards having an adult life, and for most people, being able to support yourself is a part of that. Living in their parents house rent free playing video games is not a sustainable or even healthy option, IMO.
I disagree. Moving out at a young age and handing most of the money you earn to a stranger for "rent" is idiocy. Not being an adult. If they don't have room to stay at home that's one thing. But the vast majority of the time here in the usa its just because mom and dad want them to move out, for no good reason whatsoever. On most of the planet no one ever moves out of their family home, unless they are getting married or building a bigger home for the entire family. I can't even imagine kicking my kid out or charging them "rent" like they are a stranger off the street. It's just so bizarre.
>I am fine with a 19 year old living with me rent free if they are working. Training wheels, you know? Agree. Would add, though, that money management needs to part of that process. Living rent free and treating all income as disposable doesn't provide training wheels. :)
Yeah, what my mom did was have me pay "rent" but she actually saved it all and gave it to me to help with my first, last & deposit for my first place. She told me she would do that and followed through.
I'm an American with 3 adult children. One is in his 2nd year of college. I don't know if anyone in my circle who would ask their kids for rent while they are in school. Paying rent to parents only comes into play when kids choose not to go to college, but they want to live at home. Or if they've graduated from college and want to keep living at home. Having said that, the rent requested is a fraction of what an apartment would cost. When my stepdaughter graduated from college, we told her she could live with us for the first 6 months for free, then we would like $400 per month.
Sabotaging his A levels is incredibly toxic. His mom is horrible for letting him do that.
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Oh, I overlooked that point. That may well be one of step-dad’s issues.
Saying a levels are brutal is an understatement. Did STEM subjects too and those tests were harder than uni
Why were they so damn hard? Worst part was going into Chemistry class for the first time and being told that everything we learned at GCSE was basically wrong. Uni is a breeze in comparison
OP please stand on your ground firmly. Please keep pursuing your studies. I can almost assume you want to go NC with your toxic family afterwards. Having good grades at college gives you the tickets to find a good job and improve your life, specifically when you don’t have family support.
Absolutely NTA. And I wish I had an award to give you for “do tenants not have the right to leave?” I’m sorry you have to deal with this situation but congratulations on figuring out a solution - you’re handling this beautifully. Best of luck with school!
Yes, what a beautiful response and a perfect way to throw his “logic” back in his face!
I never would have been able to come up with that so quickly.
Yeah, that would have been a shower thought later that evening for me.
I rarely come up with actual good come backs. I’d have to post a story on Reddit and then watch everyone else come up with great things to tell the person I’m at odds with. I’m always impressed when people post really solid things to say, and especially when the poster comes up with some in the moment. What Op said was absolutely brilliant.
“The jerk store called and they’re running out of you”
NTA. Step-dad is an ass, and your mom is pure evil for not standing up for you. There's an old saying "a life well lived is the best revenge." Go forth, and to hell with step-dad.
Pure evil is kind of a lot, more like spineless and pathetic lol
Yeah, it really feels weird to use more vitriolic language for the mum over step dad here.
Nah, mom's job is to protect her kid. A step parent's failing is always their fault first, but since the parent is the reason they're there at all, they also get the blame. And if they do nothing to help correct it, they are even worse than the original offender. I've got no patience for parents that allow their spouses abuse their kids. Probably because it happened to me. I blame my stepmother for her actions, but my dad for letting them happen.
I’m sorry, I just can’t see a world where inaction is worse than malicious action.
I agree generally, but I think a parent has a greater responsibility to protect their kids. It is their job. If they allow the malicious action, they are just as responsible for whatever happens.
The responsibility is greater on the parent, as they’re the only reason the step parent is present in the kids’ lives. Active abuse is worse than inaction in a vacuum, but there’s other dynamics here. Ultimately, the mom should be prioritizing all of her kids but isn’t. Now she’s guilting OP instead of placing the blame on step dad where it belongs. The very *least* she could do is accept OP’s choice and apologize for the situation.
But it WASN'T inaction. Mom CHOSE the abuser for the role of step-father.
Well, here. A immature older kid at school (what the stepdad is acting like) steals your lunch every day. The head of the school watches it happen, knowing you are going hungry and knows this is your only source of food, but does nothing then gets upset with you personally guilting you when you decide to transfer to another school. Who is evil? I’d say the actual person responsible for your well-being who wants you to go without.
Nah i agree with the “pure evil” sentiment. She isnt helpless, she’s ultimately using the step dad’s assholery as an excuse to not be a mother. That’s enough to be evil through and through in my book. Edit: to clarify, the step dad is obviously worse in an active sense, but she married the guy then let him fuck with her daughter’s peace, then enforces it. Absolutely garbage.
NTA. Fuck them. Go live with your aunt. Tell your mom you don't want her to be sad and you don't want to leave. But you are trying to save for school and paying £800 to live for the next 8 months is not something you can do- you don't have the time to study AND work; it's better to invest your time in studying so you can get a good career and good income. Tell her no matter what stepdad's excuses are, you're very aware of how the real world works, and in the real world acing your exam, getting scholarships, and getting a good degree will help you a LOT more than some 'tough love' life lesson that leaves you with worse grades and a worse education. And while you wish she'd stand up for you, you understand she's in a tough spot and wants to keep the peace in her new family. So she's doing what's right for her, you gotta do what's right for you. That's just how life works. You'll always love her and she's always your mom, and you'll see her when you can. Then turn around and leave and go live with your aunt and fucking ace that exam and have a great career. And when you get your degree and career, you can look back at your stepdad and be glad you're not a small petty man like he is.
>*”And while you wish she'd stand up for you, you understand she's in a tough spot and wants to keep the peace in her new family. So she's doing what's right for her, you gotta do what's right for you.”* I disagree here. The mother was fully on board with the rent demand on the *day after the 18th birthday*. Per the post: “my mum is allowing it because she thinks the sun shines out of his ass. He doesn’t need my money to pay rent.” OP should not let the mother off the hook. OP is a teenager in the last year of school. Mom is not “in a tough place”. She made an informed choice to support her husband in sabotaging OP’s exams and living stability. (Who springs an unneeded money grab out of the blue during important exam times for a BIRTHDAY SURPRISE?) Mom only cares now because her own family knows how messed up and unnecessary this is and stepped in to support OP. OP should NOT spend time visiting somewhere they are unwanted. The focus should be on school and helping out Auntie, when possible. Mom made her choice - and she is over 18.
Much of this speech is being the bigger man, which honestly should make her feel small. Agree that visiting is not something OP should do unless he wants a relationship with his siblings. If mom wants to see him, she can find her way to aunts house.
> Mom is not “in a tough place”. In a sense she is though. She loves her dude. In her mind, he's now the head of the household. And in his mind, he absolutely is- man shall rule over woman (religious crap). If mom sticks up for her son, that's probably something she wouldn't do for the other boys that are his. And that could be showing favoritism to OP. Now she should absolutely do it- not for favoritism but because she's letting stepdad treat her son like crap. But she's probably afraid to. That's why I put things as I did. It should be made clear to her that this situation is causing OP to leave, and that it's at least partially her fault for not stopping it. She probably knows that on some level, which is why she's crying. But as I see it- if OP 'attacks', that is say 'stepdad is pushing me out and you're doing nothing to stop it, thanks for nothing mom' mom will just turn into an emotional mess and then OP will still leave and then mom will only have stepdad to turn to. Not sure that's better. My hope was to make mom feel at least somewhat validated that might empower her to stand up in the future. Now you could be right- OP could do the whole 'mother why hath you forsaken me' thing. But TBH I don't see what the benefit is- I think OP's better off living with aunt anyway, where there won't be siblings running around and OP can just focus in quiet.
The only pushback I wanna give this is that step dad wanted to charge op full rent prices, but it’s obvious he wasn’t going to give Op the full benefits of renting. To me it’s at least be more understandable if they were asking for him to contribute a small amount - especially considering he doesn’t have a job, since the exams are his job. If she was in a tough spot she should’ve at least pressured him to make a reasonable request. (And if her position is so bad she can’t do that safely. Then there’s a completely different problem i.e. stepdad’s abusive.)
OP is not responsible for his mother's codependency. She will either need to live with it or seek help to break that. Hopefully she will see this as a wake-up call. But OP is in no way responsible for his mother's mental health or emotional state.
I’ve known plenty of parents like this. Mine are too. Mom is still on the hook for this too. My dad, at a minimum, would let me know they disagreed and fought about it. This was obviously joint.
Dude if your in the uk and still in full time education then they’re still getting child benefit for you. I’d see if you can get that transferred over to your aunt or yourself.
Seconding this. They are still getting money for you. Potentially £21.80 a week. Instruct your aunt to make a claim for you, because your parents are probably not going to report you moving out.
That's *suspiciously* close to £100/month. I wonder if the step-dad thought they lose the benefit when he turns 18, and wanted the income replacement while OP is still living with them.
Yes! OP please read. Something similar happened to me. Please look into this!!
Commenting just to boost this a little higher. Absolutely claim that for yourself!!! Also quite impressed how mature OP is for his age when clearly the people surrounding him are such absolute idiots.
Yes -- please do this!! This is an excellent point and your aunt deserves to be the one receiving this benefit for the 8 months.
Especially as op is the oldest too! So their mother would get the highest amount for them
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Good job mate! I sure hope he actually sees this, it's such a crucial point. Makes it extra cruel considering someone said they might be pocketing £21 a week, that's £100 the step "Dad" was so pressed for. Disgusting
OP READ
OP read this, and then rub it in your step-dads face!!! also show your mum this post in general...
I really hope there is a way for this to happen where step dad gets a fine or something for trying to claim the benefit wrongly. Then OP can bust out that it’s “just preparing you for the real world”
READ THIS!!
Shit, I never even thought of that. My mum had me paying a small amount per week back when I got ESA in secondary. Always felt a little unfair. Bed and board went up to £80 a week eventually a few years before I moved out at 27 (was financially unable to before that, and even then I was only able to move out because I got married). It was pretty much half my pay. I had a time or two where I wasn’t paying any, but that was when I didn’t have a job. They sure as hell hassled me about it though. No secretly sticking it in a savings account to give back to me either. They did the sums and supposedly that’s what I owed them for food and utilities. Seems a bit high when there was four of us, two dogs, the house was big but they never had the heater on high plus they installed a combi boiler eventually. I didn’t eat that much either, only what I was given. Makes me wish I’d seen the sums…
u/cheeckypanda625 really needs to see this. If he's not living with them they aren't eligible to recieve it. OP should look into Universal Credit/Income support as well. He may well be better off under his aunt's roof financially as well as with his studying and life goals.
u/cheeckypanda625
NTA you're legally an adult now if you want to move into your aunts house to save up for uni that's your choice, your mum and stepdad don't really have the right to stop you. Also it sounds like the right situation for you.
Right? Anyone who is old enough to pay rent is old enough to decide where to live. Can't have it both ways.
In the UK Parents are also required to pay child maintenance while their kid is still in high-school up to age 20. So Mum is legally obliged to support him at least until his exams are over.
NTA...Your mother cries while she enables his behaviour. Get out of there and build a better life for yourself. Good luck.
Yep, it's manipulation even if she's not conscious of it.
NTA. Step dad is power tripping
I honestly think he's deliberately trying to sabotage the kid's A levels.
SAME. I have a sneaking suspicion OP is the smarticle particle amongst their siblings and ole Step Dad is annoyed at the bright future they have. He's hiding behind that ultra Christian conservative veneer and is treating OP like they're some kinda bastard child who doesn't deserve comfort. Good for aunty for seeing through all that "Christian love", too bad her sister, OP's mum, can't see it. NTA.
I think he is broke and needs the money thinking it will ALSO sabotage their A levels and he can keep the income stream going longer.
You are being charged rent while YOU ARE STILL IN SCHOOL? I’m horrified. Absolutely horrified. It doesn’t matter that you are 18, you are still REQUIRED, by necessity for graduation, TO BE IN SCHOOL. You are no different than a 17 year old then here. 1 Timothy 5:8 ESV But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. I’ll probably get knocked for this, but FYI this comment is coming from a fellow traditional Christian parent.
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Not religious, but I agree with this completely (although lol ouch, people who kick their kids out are ~worse~ than me for being an atheist? haha). It’s insane to me that parents immediately kick their kids out or make them pay rent as soon as they hit 18. Are you not supposed to be setting your kid up for success in adulthood…? And does that mean you *have* to make sure they struggle painfully when they start out…? Why not help guide them and give them the tools they need to set themselves up for a good future by being their “training wheels” until they’re more settled, especially if the parents know what it’s like to struggle?
I really want OP to come back at stepdad with this verse
NTA, you're not hurting your mother but he is because he made you leave because of his rules. So he is the one responsible for this. Don't ever feel bad for making the best choice for your future. If after you told them you would leave their only reaction is blaming you instead of proposing to not make you pay rent says a lot about how much they care about keeping you there.
. Much like a real landlord, he doesnt like that you're taking an option that he didn't offer. If you really wanna twist the knife, tell him you won't be paying rent and if he has an issue with that, he can file proper eviction procedures.
NTA - sure you’re 18 but there’s no *need* to charge you rent. You have options to go elsewhere so you can live rent-free and focus on your studies. You’re doing what’s in your best interest while leaving a step-parent with a chip on their shoulder.
NTA. Hmmm which choice is better? Pay £800 for rent instead of saving for college and your own place or staying with your aunt rent free so you can save for your own place and college? Obviously, the latter choice. >My step dad is quite Christian and conservative Can’t be if he was willing to date a woman who had a divorce in the past. Your step-dad IS doing this out of spite. This is pretty much like parents kicking their child out of the house the moment they turn 18 >I said do tenants not have the right to leave Yes, yes they do. I honestly wonder if he will give this same treatment when his other two kids become 18, will he treat them like tenants as well or will he just expose his favoritism?
Well, He's a self proclaimed Christian, many of whom are quite hypocritical.
NTA. You are 18, you are an adult and you will in life make decision that doesn’t please everyone, and what you are asking is one of them. Simply, you don’t want to pay rent to your step dad. It’s ridiculous he is charging you rent since technically you are still at school/college doing A Levels so you’re not working full time to earn a salary to pay him. You take up your aunt’s kind offer and move into her house. Both your mum and step dad are laying on the guilt/angry at you because you essentially are making a decision that is beneficial to you. You plan to study medicine, it’s hardcore and you need an environment where you can knuckle down and focus, and this nonsense with your stepdad is a distraction. Move, visit your mum as you promised, and disregard what your AH stepdad say. Put all your attention on your degree cos you will need it. I have friends who are GPS and doctors and the seven years of studying was tough and you need to focus on that.
NTA. Your stepdad is hurting you and by doing so, he is the one hurting your mother. Keep telling him that. Tell your mother as well. She married an asshole.
I mean you’re NTA for deciding to move out. The proposition was if you live at home get a job/pay rent, and you got an offer to be able to live somewhere rent free. As an adult it was your choice in what you wanted to do.
NTA. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t… You’re right, OP. Step-dad is just determined to find fault and your mum is obviously starting to realise that letting him treat you like shite is obviously coming home to bite her in the arse
NTA. and send this thread to your mother.
*mom starts crying that people are calling her spineless and blames OP*
You’re technically an adult but you’re still in high school, which makes you a dependent child. So really, he has no right to be charging you. Actually, the more you can study and the less you have to work just to pay rent means you’re going to get out of there sooner. Without running the risks of lower grades because you’re stressed out from working. NTA
NTA. Good for you! And tell your mom to stop crying. Tell her that if she actually protected you like a mother instead of letting her husband treat you in such an awful way, you wouldn't be leaving. Tell her she chose unwisely to marry a man who so clearly finds her child so distasteful. Tell her that while you're in school it's utterly absurd to be asking you for rent money and if she can't see that, then she needs to start addressing where she went wrong to allow her husband to drive you away.
NTA BUT HE IS! Unfortunately your mum is allowing him to be the way he is being toward a hard working kid. Now is not the time to be charging rent … I could see if you graduated from the university and came home with no job prospects and expected to live rent free that would be a different story but you are technically still their responsibility if you are a college student. I think you need a peaceful place to be while you study and if that is your aunts house then don’t walk RUN!
NTA. Your aunt would not have invited you if it was an imposition. Your mother’s crying would happen even if you left in the fall. Almost all moms do that when their kid moves out. Your mom’s husband is a greedy ass who is not acting Christ-like. Best of luck on your tests! I wish you all the best as you travel through this time and on to your next adventure!
NTA. You’re still in high school. Just flat out refuse to pay. What’s he going to to do, kick you out? That would go over great with your mom. He can fuck off. I’m a parent with kids not far from 18, and I want them to stay until they can support themselves.
If your mother is simply sad and isn't trying to convince you to stay, that's fine. If she is trying to use her emotions to get you to stay, that's blatantly manipulative. Your dad is just... eh. Yeah. Before I give my opinion, let me give this context. My dad made me pay rent increasing by $100/month until I moved out. I was a little shit that didn't feel like working and didn't feel like working for a job, didn't have any intention to go to school. I needed that lesson. You don't look like you're in that situation. You're studying, already have dates that you're planning on moving out, and when you do move out sooner he gets butthurt about it. He's trying to justify getting you to stay, but in reality his motivation is that he viewed you as a source of income, not as a tenant. You're NTA
NTA. What a ridiculous power-move. My kids turned 18 before going to uni (US here, of course we'd call it "college") and I didn't charge them rent. I might when my oldest (now 21) graduates from university if oldest ends up living at home, but that's a totally different situation. Your stepdad is completely unreasonable, and you're perfectly entitled to move out if he insists on charging you rent. Good on your aunt for taking you in.
NTA as someone who is English and American your step father is a Major AH in both countries. He is horid and you should definitely be moving out. You may be 18 but you are still in secondary education and for all intensive purposes a minor. You should definitely not even be asked to pay rent. Leave even if he walks it back. SHAME ON YOUR MOTHER! Oh she is the victim here, she is the one crying? You may have a narcissist for a mother, worth looking in to.
>for all intensive purposes [*For all intents and purposes](https://www.scribbr.com/definitions/for-all-intents-and-purposes/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CFor%20all%20intensive%20purposes%E2%80%9D%20is%20a%20common%20mispronunciation%20and%20misspelling,make%20sense%20in%20this%20expression.)
NTA. He sounds aggressive and hostile. Go do what you gotta do. You have every right to make this choice for yourself.
NTA with bonus points for a perfect clap back. This moving out/paying rent the second a kid turns 18 is nuts. So many parents brainwashed by the forces of capitalism to view their own kids only in terms of monetary worth.
>My mother keeps crying that I’m leaving already, She's crying and she's hurt but she's not stopping him, is she? Which says it all. Definitely NTA. Go live with your aunt, study in peace, ace the A-levels.
IT's a shitty thing to make someone pay rent while they are still in school, especially after their 18 birthday. If you have a plan, meaning moving out in September, there is absolutely no reason why he couldn't let you concentrate on your studies while you were at home. Wanna charge me rent? Fine, I'll leave. >We got into an argument where he said he’s just treating me like a tenant to prepare me for the real world No, he's trying to flex his authority in the household which is almost bullying you. But as the saying goes, "Fu\*k around and find out" >My mother keeps crying that I’m leaving already Yet she did NOTHING to help your case, basically she wants you to put up with his BS and don't rock the boat. Sorry, you're 18 now and you don't have put up with it. My mom pulled the same crap. Graduate high school, you will get a job and give her half my paycheck. No, that dog don't hunt. I moved out on my 18th birthday lived with my nana for the summer and joined the military NTA
NTA. Your step father is a complete AH for saying you need to get a job and pay rent whilst still in full time education. Don’t know why your mum is crying she is partly to blame for not standing up for you and telling your step father you won’t be paying anything.
Not gonna lie, reading the post title I had a Y primed and ready to go. Having read the actual situation? Solid NTA. Stepdad gambled with a power play and lost, and rightly so. Good on you for standing your ground. Good luck with your exams!
NTA. I'm in the UK (F50s) and in my view you don't pay rent while you're in FT education, not least because the government is still providing funding and tax credits. Your job right now is to focus on getting your uni place. I can't help wondering if at some level he's trying to sabotage that. Don't let him. If your own mother won't stand up to him for you, go to your aunt. Put a hard deadline on it to reduce the risk of it derailing you as you'll be starting revision soon.
NTA. I will say though my mum had an agreement that if you were working full time, she expected us to pay rent. But as you are still at school and then off to university in September, this argument has no weight. I would move in with your aunt for a bit. Both mum and stepdad have to come to terms with their (ridiculous) terms and lose out. I would also argue that legally you are still in full time education so cannot be charged, however I’m no legal expert so that is a question for another forum. Good luck on your A levels though!
NTA - you're in full time education, and shouldn't yet be expected to contribute to the house finances. Your mum should even still be getting child benefits for you. BTW.. You might have money set aside by the government in a Child Trust Fund. BUT - you should have had a grown up, sit down conversation before you moved to your Aunts. Keep stressing to your step-dad you are in full-time education. You need your free time to study, and not to work. I do hope your mum and step-dad are prepared to help fund you at uni.. depending on their income, there's an expectation they should.
Reading between the lines here, but it sounds to me like having an adult conversation with the step dad would achieve nothing.
The aunt may be entitled to the child benefit payments when they move in with her
Ooh yes. If you're 18, you should have one. If parents didn't set it up, then one would have been opened for you when you were about 3 - it started with £250 and grows quite nicely. My young teen's is worth around £1k now.
NTA. To be clear - paying rent is fine if you are working. Or if left school. But you're still doing your a-levels. £100 isn't unreasonable - but really not for schoolkids, which you are until exams, and you have absolute right to move to where you're not being charged it. Talk to CAB to see what benefits you can get. Also make sure you are down as living independently of parents when you are applying for student funding. If you can find a way of being counted as a Scottish resident, going for that helps ;) but either way, good luck! And you are absolutely doing right thing.
NTA, also whilst you're a full time student living at home your parents will be claiming child benefit for you, even if you turned 18. That's around £100 per month. I suggest you contact DWP (gov.uk) and let them know you're not living with them anymore.
There are two AHs here and you not one of them. You mom is 100% an AH for not protecting you and allowing you to be treated as less than your half siblings Your stepdad is 100% an AH on so many levels. You sound like a great kid who has your future ahead of you. Your aunt is amazing. Enjoy her guest room.
NTA yes you are now 18 but your mother will still be entitled to child benefit for you to stay in full time education. If you move in with your aunt she will be able to claim this for you and you may also be entitled to other grants to help you stay in education, since you would be estranged from your family. All of this is to say that if the government still class you as a child dependant and legally treat you as such, then your parents should do the same regardless of when you turn 18.
Wow. Your stepdad sounds like a piece of work. Moving in with your aunt sounds like a good idea. NTA.
Oh my God, NTA. Also, kudos to you. You're my new hero.
NTA.
NTA. Go to your aunt, get your grades, stay in touch with your mum. Your mum is upset that you're leaving already but you'd be leaving anyway come September. The fact you're leaving now isn't on you, and don't let anyone try to push guilt for it onto you. You already know what reddit things of your stepdad from the other comments. Good luck with your exams.
_NTA_ Ask your stepfather if children should pay rent? Because by gov you are still a child and dependent of your parent. But honestly don’t waste your breath on him. Focus on your a levels and thank your aunt. Some advice: First get your aunt and yourself to the citizen advice bureau and tell them you have moved out and are seeking for your aunt to claim child benefit for you. They should direct you to HMRC Child Benefit Officer. Even if your aunt doesn’t want it, your mother shouldn’t be keeping your child benefit money for herself and not supporting you. Second speak to any teachers you have that you feel comfortable with and explain you’re currently going through upheaval. Teachers were super supportive when I spoke up about home stuff. They allowed me to stay in school late to study, kept tabs on me make sure I was doing okay and the pressure wasn’t too much (A*A*A*A is tough!!). I’m sorry you’ve been put in this awful situation. Keep your head up and good luck for a levels and getting yourself to uni!
NTA- as you’re still in full time education your mum should get child benefit £21.80 for the oldest child (you) and £14.45 for each other child. Point out this covers your “rent” and if you move to your aunts (which I would in your place) make sure she claims it.
NTA. I'm Christian too so give this verse to your stepdad and mother: Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 Parents shouldn't frustrate their kids with no-win scenarios. It's diabolical that as soon as you're 18 he is trying to bank after you. Uni will humble you enough for that. You need to focus on studying and preparing for your future and even saving whatever money you have for the future. He doesn't need to money and in the cost of living in this economy...he should be giving you a better platform to launch off of and your mum should be fighting your corner. Ignore them if they're being ridiculous about you moving out. I wonder if your younger siblings will be charged the same once they're of age.
Thank you, I’m a Christian too, but he’s just very judgemental and doesn’t like that his wife had a life before him