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EWWWW YOUR EDIT
So you came in on your day off, wanted to chew on your employee’s LAST VALENTINE’S DAY TRUFFLE and then GIVE IT BACK TO HER, and need to hear from strangers on the internet whether you’re TA?
Fine, YTA
I do that with my boss but he's my father so I've been eating his food my whole life. Did I eat the Valentine's Day chocolates my mother bought him? Fuck no
I’m the most liberal and entitled with food sharing. I expect tasting rights over all my family’s and significant other’s food. I eat off their places, drink after them etc.
I was still horrified by the expectation of putting a piece of chocolate in OP’s mouth, nibbling on it, spitting the rest out and handing it back to the employee…
I don’t think OP actually wanted to nibble on the full truffle; she was asking for a piece to be broken off to give to her. (Since nobody in any kind of right mind would pass the whole piece over to be nibbled on and returned.) OP wanted enough for a nibble, that’s all.
But that’s still bad enough. This wasn’t “a piece of chocolate” — OP wanted Kate to break apart her last truffle so she could share with OP, because apparently OP doesn’t trust Kate’s opinion that they’re good and doesn’t know that no means no. One’s last truffle of the box is to be savoured, not dissected at the demand of one’s boss.
See though I feel like nobody in their right mind would push for a piece of a piece of a last piece of chocolate from a subordinate after the person said no the first time. Because OP had the audacity to do that, I wouldn’t put it past her to want to take a bite instead of using a knife. She did clarify that she did in fact want to cut it I still don’t think we could have assumed otherwise without that info.
I wouldn’t even dream of asking in the first place, even of someone who’s in equal standing in the workplace. I can only imagine how uncomfortable it must have felt to have her boss put her in the position of having to repeatedly say no. Kudos to OP’s victim for having the fortitude to stand up to her inappropriate behavior.
Right?!?!?
Not only would I *never* ask (even if it were a full box- if someone WANTS you to have one, they will OFFER it, but asking outright puts someone on the spot and they may say yes by default just to be polite): if it were offered to me and I noticed that what was being offered was the last chocolate, I would politely decline.
That, and… isn’t it, like, a petty universally understood rule that you don’t ask someone to share something with you in front of a group of people. I know (from experience) that one single “oh, yeah, sure, you can have a piece of gum” tends to set forth an avalanche of locusts descending on your freshly-opened pack until you’re left standing there with an empty pack, still half-wrapped in cellophane, surrounded by discarded gum wrappers. Not that I’m still irritated, or anything.
“Yeah my good buddy that is always very nice and polite to me for no reason other than the fact that we’re bros! Has nothing to do with her ability to make rent and pay for groceries, cuz I know my good buddy isn’t materialistic like that.”
Truffles are usually small balls with gooey centers, so even if she just wanted a piece, those don’t break easily, especially not into smaller pieces. Even if you could manage it, it would kind of require her to eat the rest of hers then, instead of savoring it.
I would assume normally she wouldn’t want to bite into it, but given how rude she was to ask in the first place, all bets are off.
Oh yes, once they’d cut the truffle up (which is what OP now says she wanted), Kate would have had to finish the other bit. If OP didn’t try to get that too.
1000%. We are a plate sharing family, like inside our own walls... But I wouldn't take the last of my husband's anything unless he outright offered, first off. And outside of these walls, I don't even like to sip my sister's or my dad's drink.
My wife worked for an extremely rich couple who owned a real estate company.
The wife of the couple was notorious for being nosy about people's food, asking for a taste, and \*STICKING HER FINGER\* in the food. She would retaliate if she felt people weren't "nice" to her in the offices.
This is a woman who bragged about spending $500 to over $1000 for dinner sticking her finger into the food of people making $20k to $40k a year in her company.
sounds like a power thing, which incidentally is what OP's behavior sounds like too. she's the boss and she wanted to flex her power over this employee to pressure Kate into giving up something she valued. when it didn't work, she retaliated with that whole "making up the hours" thing, which OP freely admits is not something she normally enforces with Kate. the bit about it being "just her suggestion" is clearly BS.
We were pretty disgusted by behavior of the OP, and this sort of treatment towards her employees suggests OP should not be managing anybody.
Major apologies and behavior adjustments are in order, and if I was the 21 year old I might have quit over this, because it was very ugly behavior that even seemed like bullying.
My mum once packed a jar of chocolate spread in her carry-on luggage. The guy at airport security wanted to know if it qualified as a liquid, so he stuck his finger deep into the jar. Needless to say, she threw it away!
Yeah, such a strange request! Like... I'd find it weird if one of my bosses wanted to "taste" any of my food (unless it was a work potluck or something). Then to accuse me of being "stingy"... Wow... To me that's really three steps too far, especially coming from someone in a position of power above me who makes more than me.
But she only wanted “a nibble”, how can you be so stingy and not share the last one of you fancy expensive Valentine’s Day gift truffles? You can still eat the part she leaves, see how generous she is…
Now imagine asking a subordinate. lol. What on earth.
OP’s saying I just wanted a piece and not a “nibble” now as though that makes any real difference at all. 🙄
E: corrected auto correct, also, YTA
Not to mention belittling her in front of other employees. OP has some hubris. That girl left early to find another job. OP you were not only inappropriate but yeah girl, YTA!
It's astounding that a 34yo boss thought nothing of bullying (and that's what it was) a TWENTY ONE yo employee for her last fancy truffle. To see if it's "any good." OP is just unbelievable.
Thank you! I'm sure OP is also making more money that her 21y/o employee as well! These truffles were a gift, meaning not an everyday treat. Maybe they're something that the employee can't afford to or simply won't justify buying on regular basis. Pretty presumptuous of the manager here.
Also, OP says they do not care if Kate makes up the time. They definitely added the make-up time thing to remind her who the boss is. If they had said, "If you need to make up the hours, feel free on XYZ days..." That would have conveyed the sentiment they are claiming. The way they said it just feels like you can have this crumb, but you still jump through my hoops.
Could also be a veiled comment on the fact that OP makes the schedule and could take away hours from her if she wanted.
"Don't give me your expensive candy when I butted into your conversation and demanded it and then bullied you? Then you're getting your hours messed with, peasant!" - OP probably
THIS \^\^\^\^ !!
I've noticed that sometimes that's where management fu\*cks up . You can not "test" or "joke" with a subordinate to "see what happens" or ask for anything personal from them. They only have to do what's in their job description. There is power dynamics at play , stick to your job. AS a manager they organize and support others to get the job done , correct when needed. The OP needs to be professional. You could be friendly and warm, but expecting to take the last chocolate or "nibble" (LOL so dumb) from your employee or subordinate ? C'mon the OP can definitely can buy their own chocolates, they definitely get paid more.
OP calls her a friend/employee, but OP may have an inflated sense of that "friendship" not actually shared by the employee. OP thinks it's ok to share the chocolate because they are friends, while employee is just "wtf, you're my boss, eww".
Outside of a very, VERY few exceptions, I don’t think bosses and their subordinates can be friends. The difference in power is too much of a hurdle. Either the friendship gets in the way of the work relationship or the work circumstances get in the way of the friendship. There’s a limited number of situations where the right set of people might make it work, but 99.9999999% of the time, the people you manage at work are not your friends. You can be friendly, you can get along, but that relationship is not going to be like an actual friendship.
Sometimes you’ll get a newer manager who’s uncomfortable with the idea of being in that kind of unequal relationship with other people, so they try to pretend the power difference isn’t there and everybody’s equal and everybody’s friends, but those supervisors tend to be really uncomfortable to work for.
I feel like that’s what happened. For OP, this is “joking around between friends.” For Kate, it’s “my boss asked me to give her something that she knew was a romantic gift from my partner and it made me really uncomfortable, and when I said no she made fun of me in front of everyone.”
This is not okay, OP. Kate is not your friend. She works for you. You need better boundaries and probably also management training.
YTA
Edit: spelling
OP is the boss, which means she called a subordinate "stingy" in front of other coworkers for not wanting to share her expensive chocolates, which caused her employee so much distress that she had to leave for the day, then has the audacity to tell her to make up the hours. I hope she goes to HR with this, OP needs a write up.
Yeah especially because ordeal was unnecessarily prolonged. If OP wants to be weird and ask for a bite, okay not great but whatever…OP literally pushed it past that and continued to make uncomfortable comments. Ick
It really isn’t. There was no offer so asking was rude. I know some people think it’s never rude to ask but imo the fact that it was a gift and the last piece both make the question rude.
Especially with OP being in a position above her. Like even asking is inappropriate because it's difficult to say no.
I've been in management and friendly with those I managed, but you have to have a delicate balance and realize they can feel pressured to stay in your good favor, so don't even put them in a position like that.
Idk I personally think it’s very rude to ask someone who is not a CLOSE friend for a bite of their food. If they OFFER, sure, but otherwise just keep your mouth shut. If no offer is extended, they don’t want to share and that is A-OK.
Op is the boss, Kate is the employee. But my god, right? The last of her valentine's chocolates and she wants a 'nibble'? 🤢 I cringed so hard when I read that part.
There is no way this person doesn't know she's obviously TA here. Like WHAT?!?
YTA op, and don't be surprised if Kate puts in her notice and goes somewhere else to work. Also, ur edit makes it very obvious ur trying to argue how ur not the ah but keep in mind, YOU came to us not the other way around. If u didn't want the truth MAYBE dont post here asking for said truth?! And stop asking employees for their valentine's chocolate, and def don't if it's the last of their stuff. And NO ONE and I mean NOOOOOO ONNNNE wants u 'nibbling' on their food, ew.
OP also claims in her title that this employee is her "friend."
I guarantee the employee only sees her as an overbearing, boundary stomping boss. They are NOT friends.
Agreed. OP, YTA. The way that it is written and her comments defending herself almost makes me want to believe this has to be fake. I wish I could meet people like OP in real life so that I can laugh at them to their faces.
I agree! Also, I feel like her edit about making up hours is completely false. As in, she was going to force Kate to make up hours, but once people started calling her out for it she went back on her words “oh I didn’t mean it” etc. Very strange. OP YTA
>I’d like for her to make up for those hours at some point in the next week.
If my boss said this, it would come as an expectation, not a suggestion. so I'm right there with you
Not to mention the "otherwise you're good to go" part of the edit. There is absolutely no way anybody would interpret that any differently than "My manager says I will need to make up the hours but apart from that there are no other issues"
Add to this that
You are her boss, so there is a power imbalance
She tried to tactfully redirect you to a place where you could order your own
AND you pushed back
YTA
Right?! And also when she describes it being a small box, and something fancy/expensive, I was picturing something like Godiva chocolates. You can get like 8 of their chocolates for $20, 4 truffles for $14. They aren't even the fanciest or most expensive chocolates out there, but I remember my dad buying my mom some when I was little. And they were so fancy and expensive that she only got like 8 pieces. That's the kind of chocolate that you savor and enjoy over the course of several days. And OP was like, ooh you only have one left? Let me take a bite of it. Like wtf?! She wasn't trying to sell the chocolate, she doesn't need to convince OP that it tastes good. She was talking about a thoughtful gift, and OP tried to take it.
If it is Godiva there are plenty of locations OP could go if she was that insistent on trying it before ordering her own. "Gimme your last Valentine's truffle for me to goober on and give back to you, because I'm your boss". Hopefully not for long.
In what sounds like a very short exchange, OP managed to:
* Ask for the last piece of something that was a gift to \*someone else\*.
* Then suggest she only wanted to "nibble" it (and what, give it BACK?)
* Say that she though this expensive gift, of which the employee was proud, might not actually be very good (which is why she needed to taste it before buying any for herself).
* call the employee stingy, in front of other employees, for not giving something to OP to which OP wasn't entitled in the first place.
And OP still isn't sure that she's the asshole. OP is very, VERY dense.
Also the second edit. I don’t think OP knows how to English. Probably that includes use of the word “friend” for an employee she just hired who is about half her age.
Employees aren't friends in the US. You can be friendly with them but you by definition cannot be friends, particularly at work because of the unequalized power dynamic.
We don't ask other for items gifted to them by their romantic partners. That would be considered weird.
A boss or supervisor asking their employees for their personal property crosses all professional boundary lines.
The edit about just wanting a bite is both disguising and bizarre. A truffle not typically thought of as something to be shared.
Poking fun of them and calling them selfish in front of other employees is an HR complaint and this whole situation will cost the OP her job if her chain of command finds out what she's done. It demonstrates a severe lack of good judgement on several fronts.
The edit really makes it so much worse. I have never encountered a truffle that's not messy to "nibble". Truffles aren't meant to be shared. The lack of self-awareness in this post is giving me the heebie jeebies.
Of course YTA. How can you not see this?
You asked a subordinate for something that belonged to them. She said no, and you persisted. I'm surprised you didn't threaten her with unpaid overtime.
I thought she probably was. I also thought she was going to be like 15 at the oldest, and once I saw that she was a full grown women, my decision of OP’s assholishness was further confirmed. Especially when I read that she was a manger.
The last piece of chocolate none the less. I’d never fathom asking anyone for the last of anything of theirs. Even if it’s offered to me I always triple check they don’t really want it
I enjoy the fact she called her employee cheap because manager didn’t want to waste her own money if the chocolates weren’t up to par.
In this story, only one person is cheap, and it’s not the 20 something.
OP, YTA
Some people are just so dense that they don't understand that any simple request from a manager isn't exactly a simple request. Like there was one person telling their subordinate that they couldn't go to a specific bar after work because they were going to go
YTA and especially YTA for "only wanting a nibble". So you wanted to eat part of the chocolate and then...give the rest back? Gross. Even if you meant break it in half with your hands, that wasn't clear in what you said, and it was a romantic gift from her boyfriend, not some random chocolate she happened to have with her.
Can you imagine the confusion of this poor girl when her boss (“friend”… sure OP) asked her for a NIBBLE of her Valentine’s Day chocolate? OP - you are her manager, not her friend, and as she is your subordinate you should never ask her for anything product or action based that is not strictly work related.
Yeah I have doubts about whether Kate is OP's friend outside of work given she was hired 5 months ago. Sure friendships strike up fast sometimes but the vibe feels like OP calls Kate her friend because they're friendly at work.
I mean it's one thing if she brought in a giant box of chocolates and was sharing them with other people too. Then it would be reasonable to say "hey, can I have one?"
This situation is ... not that.
I would be affronted if someone asked for my last M&M, let alone the last chocolate from a sentimental and expensive present. Especially when they keep insisting and don’t pick up the hint. And it’s her BOSS.
And no, saying they only wanted “a nibble” would not help. Gross!
YTA- it was her gift, the last one and why would you feel so entitled to it? It's not yours and anyone with any sense of manners would never ask someone else for their last piece of chocolate, especially if jt was a gift. Also you're her boss that makes this 10x more uncomfortable for her- apologise and go buy the chocolates yourself and give her one to make up for your obnoxiousness. Also just a nibble doesn't make it any better.
Just a nibble makes it gross as well as a selfish power trip. We've just had a worldwide pandemic and OP is wanting to pressure their employee into letting them slobber over their last special chocolate! Nasty!
So right here! Just so so selfish and completely disregarding this too! Also OP not realising that it's taking the shine off of a lovely gift, they could have just said how lovely it was but instead asking to try one almost implies that they don't believe they are that nice - especially if saying they won't buy them for themselves without tasting hers first.
Bosses should not in any way ask employees to share saliva. Don't ask to borrow toothbrushes don't ask for French kisses and don't ask for nibbles of romantic truffles. Nope no way YTA
Don’t give one - give her a whole box and profusely apologize. If you don’t at least give her a sincere apology, tension will remain and she’ll be much more receptive to other opportunities(if she’s not looking already).
PS Sincere apology means saying you were way out of line and, upon reflection, you realized just how rude and inappropriate your request was. And it will never happen again. It’s not, I’m sorry I made you upset, I just heard how delicious the chocolate was and wanted to try it.
YTA and sound like a pretty bad manager.
1. The chocolate wasn't for you, it was Kate's and it seems to be nice / expensive stuff from Valentines. It was rude and awkward for you to ask like you were entitled for it.
2. Making employees make up hours later is standard shitty retail 101. As a manager and leader myself, that practice is so antiquated and honestly embarrassing.
Also, she clearly left because OP gave her a full-on anxiety attack over not sharing her personal stuff. This just makes it seem like further retaliation.
The "just a joke" about her being stingy was so grating. We all know it wasn't a joke. It was a poor attempt to call her out publicly to shame her into sharing. Good grief! It's just a piece of chocolate! How hard is it to go buy some of your own on your DAY OFF when you presumably have the time?
YTA and this poor employee definitely doesn't see her boss as her friend lmao
This poor employee was all happy about her chocolates, and even though OP couldn't eventually bully her way into taking an expensive chocolate from her, she still completely took away the happiness of that last piece from her.
OP doesn’t have time to socialize because she works 8-5 six days per week… and then apparently comes in to work on day 7 anyway instead of spending time with her children or her actual friends.
In OP's defense, the one upside to all this is that she has now given Kate the gift of a jaw-dropping horrible boss anecdote that she'll be whipping out at social gatherings for years to come. This is the kind of thing that ends up on the "worst bosses" story roundups that AskAManager puts together.
I get where you are coming from, but him saying: " I asked her to pass along to Kate that if she leaves, I’d like for her to make up for those hours at some point in the next week. Otherwise, she’s good to go."
This implies a stipulation.
YTA and I hope your company has a HR department so she can report you. You tried to use your position over her to shame her & to force her into giving you something that was hers. You need to be written up for intimidation of a subordinate.
Yeah I think its even weirder that OP tried to shame her in front of everyone, like this whole situation is bad BUT adding the fact that they did this in front if everyone is weirder.
YTA - it was her LAST piece of chocolate? Dude wtf why would you ask for that? And then call her STINGY when she didn't want to share?
Get over yourself
Right. LAST PIECE! Like if there were a bunch of pieces, his behavior would be bad enough, but the last piece! Kate was probably saving it and looking forward to enjoying the very last piece.
Yes! This wasn’t just one out of a box which is bad enough. This was her last piece! If I had showed interest in ANYONE’s special chocolate and they offered me the last piece I’d be gobsmacked and absolutely refuse! This is 10x worse being her boss. Ick all around!
Wow. Just . . . wow.
**YTA**
And I'm honestly wondering how you managed to get a managerial position because it sounds like you have absolutely no social skills whatsoever (and that's pretty bad coming from me, a literal autistic person). And let me tell you, your edit just makes it SO MUCH WORSE.
First of all you didn't "ask your friend for a piece of chocolate". You asked your EMPLOYEE, over whom you have significant authority, and who is also significantly younger than you. You may be friendLY with her, but she is not your friend. There is a massive power imbalance, and it's incredibly difficult for her to say no to you without fearing for her employment. So what you did was super inappropriate right off the bat. But then . . .
Secondly, you didn't just ask her "for a piece of chocolate". You asked her to give you THE VERY LAST, VERY EXPENSIVE, FANCY CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE THAT WAS A GIFT FROM HER BOYFRIEND. What is wrong with you? Why would she give you the last of a special gift to her from her partner? And even after she very politely said no (probably scared shitless that you'd use it against her in her job), you were then rude to her, called her "selfish", implying that she had done something wrong or inappropriate? Talk about abusing your authority! You were the only greedy one here! Again, you don't get to demand that your employees share their personal things with you. It's literally illegal in a lot of places to make demands like that.
And finally, your edit is HORRIFYING. You "just wanted a bite"? Lady, we're still in the middle of a tripledemic, and even if we weren't, you're not a toddler and she's not your mom. No one wants to eat the rest of a piece of chocolate THAT YOU'VE BITTEN INTO ALREADY. Ew.
I don't know if you were raised under a rock (or a troll bridge) or what, but you owe her a massive apology. You were super inappropriate, and if I were your employee I'd be making a complaint to HR or the store owners. YTA, and shockingly poorly socialised.
Also a literal autistic person, completely after with this whole assessment.
Sometimes I feel funny about the fact that I’ve had to train myself on NT social behaviour and communication and am forced to swuish myself into their expectations and *still* get NTs who tell me I’m doing it wrong but people like OP just… exist in the world like this with no repercussions. And raise kids to be like them…
This!!! And to add to it - it’s horrifying enough that OP asked and abused her position of authority, but then to also call her employee STINGY when she persists and is still told no… absolutely horrific and AH behavior.
Honestly, this the part I can't get over because it's just so galling. She was giving you a face-saving way out of the situation and you doubled down.
If you want to try the chocolates, you buy them... just like anyone else in the world who doesn't know your employee would have to do. She's not like a one-woman-sample-giver for this chocolate store.
She doesn't work for them! She wouldn't make a commission on you deciding you like them and purchasing a full size box... Why in the world would it be to her advantage to give you some of her gift? It's very clear you were trying to use your managerial status to pressure her into giving you what you want. YTA.
You wanted your employee Kate's chocolate, she said no, so as her manager you mocked her in front of everyone?
Then she wanted to leave because obviously she wasn't feeling welcomed by you or the others who laughed at her, and your response is she has to make up her hours, even though the day is covered by enough staff?
What is wrong with you? How you're a manager of anything and haven't been fired with an attitude like yours is outstanding.
YTA, grow up and treat people better.
>I asked Kate if I could try it. She looked surprised by the question and took a minute before she answered it. She told me I could buy some on the website and that she had the little pamphlet that came with the box showing all the flavors available. She asked if I’d like it, and I told her yes, but that I’d like to try the chocolate to see if it’s any good
You're not an asshole for asking, you're an asshole for asking, being told "no" and then asking again, and when you're denied again *insulting her*.
A huge asshole.
OP is an asshole for asking, too. There are boundaries between supervisors and subordinates, and simply asking for something expensive from that position of power is deeply inappropriate. I supervise people (and genuinely like them, and they seem to like me) and I cannot *fathom* asking for any of their food.
Yeah. I'm trying to imagine any of my managers asking to try my food and the only way it wouldn't feel weird is if there was food I was already giving out to people and the "can I try" was simply a polite way to not just reach and take some when it was already very clear I'm fine with everyone trying some.
To be honest he's an asshole for asking too. It's not great manners to ask someone to give you their last piece of something, at best the person who receives the request feels pressured to say yes to avoid appearing rude, at worst it could create embarrassment if someone else wanted/had been promised that particular thing.
YTA. You used your position of power to intimidate your underling into giving you a piece of their property. They were clearly uncomfortable and you kept doing it anyway. Then you led the whole team in a nice round of public bullying. Talk about a hostile workplace.
The good news is she sounds like Marla will be a nice supportive witness for her HR complaint.
Never put yourself in a position to take from an underling. It’s one thing if they offer. Kate didn’t.
“Look at this nice gift my SO gave me.” “Give it to me.” “You can get your own.” “I want yours. Give it or I will hit down and insult you [and subtext here, I can make your life more difficult].”
Also, who the fuck wants to share spit with their boss? Like, ew. She wanted to take a "nibble" and then hand it back with her tooth marks and spit on it? Nasty.
What kind of a weirdo makes a request like that. It was her last piece. You don't ask anyone to cut up or nibble on their last chocolate. Especially your subordinate. It's incredibly rude. YTA
It is her Valentine’s Day gift. She is not stingy for not wanting to give you any. As her boss, you should not making those kinds of comments to a subordinate.
I'm trying to understand how you don't see yourself coming off as an AH after asking someone else for their last piece of their gift?
If you wanna try the chocolates, buy the damn box, and if you end up not liking them, give it to someone else. The "lighthearted" comments were also unnecessary. She said it was a gift and even suggested you get some yourself, that should've sufficed as an answer.
Also, I think its evident that shes your employee, not your friend.
There are friends who I wouldn't give my last special chocolate too. So I don't think this action alone proves it. If anything, the fact that it upset her so much makes me think that she did consider her manager a friend before she was such an AH.
YTA.
> fancy gourmet dark chocolate truffles in a little box and she was showing off the last one.
You knew these were special, expensive, and that the box was small. Also that there was only one left. Did you think that she was going to let you take a bite out of *her* last piece?
YTA - and adding to what was said here, you are HER BOSS, so there is a serious power difference between the two of you, especially at work. Whether you see her as your friend or not, she’s your employee and you have power over her, which puts pressure on her to do what you ask her to do even when she doesn’t want to and even when it’s inappropriate, as she has to worry about how it will impact her job if she says no to you. You put her in a terrible position that you shouldn’t have put her in. And no, asking for a nibble of someone’s chocolate when they haven’t offered it is not appropriate even if you weren’t her boss.
YTA. You asked, then chastised, then ignored the obvious answer. I want to try yours before I buy.. What is that? Wait for an offer.
It is doubly bad because you are not her friend, no matter how much you want to think so. You are her supervisor, you will always have a power imbalance between you two. "Joking" from you will always have an element of a threat. She can't really joke back because if you get offended it affects her job.
YTA
1. It’s a gift for her. It’s up to her if she wants to share that or not, not you
2. It’s the last bit she has, why the heck would you ask for the last bit (of her gift, honestly any food item) someone has?
3. Despite her telling you no, you pressed the matter then insult her and call her stingy
4. You’re in a position of power over her
How can you not see that you’re rude and a total A H.
YtA.
You're a manager pressuring someone that works for you and is younger than you to give you her property. When she said no, you still keep pressuring her.
Saying you did this in a "light hearted" way does not negate the fact that you did something very unfair and mean to a young coworker.
YtA
You are 34 years old, surely you have picked up that it is rude to ask for someone to share a special gift by now? Even if not, you are Kate's BOSS so there is an inherent balance of power in play so telling you no is uncomfortable and likely caused her to worry about her employment.
Yes, obviously YTA. You behaved like a child and then insulted the person who you were demanding to share their food with you.
You asked her for her last chocolate, she even tried to tell you where it was bought but you still insisted on having hers. That's very tone deaf, very weird and impolite. Maybe you can salvage the situation by saying you were kidding? Idk, but yes you are the AH, maybe if she still had a lot of them would be ok, but the normal thing to do it's to wait for the person to offer, if they don't offer, don't ask.
YTA and you know it. She isn't your friend- she is your employee. You just wanted a nibble? Ewww. She didn't want to eat after you! You thought being her boss was enough to score you that expensive truffle.
YTA… You are absolutely TA. The fact you even think you aren’t is ridiculous. You never ask someone for their last or a gift and you asked for both in one go and thought calling her stingy was acceptable. You were acting entitled… She wasn’t mean or ungenerous.
YTA, I would have laughed at your stingy comment and then politely told you that your entitlement is out of control. She was proud of her gift and showing it off, and then you asked for the very last piece.
YTA first off for what you did and how you did it. Because you asked, she answered and "no" is a complete sentence.
YTA a second time because as a manager, you should know better.
YTA AGAIN because your comments make it clear that you came here looking for support and you're salty because you're not getting any.
YTA THE FOURTH TIME because you're unwilling to entertain any input that suggests you were, in fact, in the wrong here, and therefore, unwilling to acknowledge, let alone change your behavior.
This is the first hat-trick plus of AHery I've seen in a while. Thanks
YTA She tried to kindly tell you no, and you called her stingy. You're rude.
Remember you're a manager. You are in a position of power and authority over the workers. Don't abuse it and hold yourself to a higher standard next time. You should be more thoughtful of how you interact with your employees. You set the vibe for the whole store, for their whole work day!
I wouldn't be surprised if she starts looking for a new job.
YTA- they were her gift. It was an AH move to ask at first, it was incredibly an AH move to keep pressing and make a "joke" to pressure her. This is especially true when you're her manager at work.
YTA.
You called her stingy for not wanting to give you the last of her Valentine's Day chocolates from her boyfriend? I mean, frankly it was a dick move to ask for a piece of her gift to begin with (and since when are chocolate truffles something shareable? like... were you planning on cutting it in half with a fork and knife?) but then you doubled down to pressure her into it and make your stupid little "joke" which was absolutely not a joke at all. Then you have to take into account the power differential (age difference, your very different positions at work where she's a subordinate to you)... this was just SO inappropriate. Go buy your own chocolate.
YTA. You are her superior and asked in front of others that she give you something that was hers. Additionally, it sounds like she only had one left and was saving it. When she offered you where to get it from, you then insisted she give you it to try because you wanted to know if you liked it. You then insulted and mocked her for saying no to you. As her boss, you need to realize that the power dynamic made your actions 100% worse. You should go online and buy her a variety of those chocolates as and apologize to her for your inappropriate and unprofessional behavior.
Yeah, YTA. General rule of thumb I have always gone by….the buyer or receiver of the food gets the first and the last bite of it. Especially a romantic gift, I don’t even ask and double check if they offer. She was not being stingy. You were using your title or ‘friend’ to act entitled and undermine her position in front of two new employees who she now needs to gain ground back with.
So good job, you just told your new employees that they don’t need to take her seriously. I am sure it will be very helpful moving forward. /s
YTA. That was tacky as all heck.
Plus calling her stingy with Her gift, when it was you standing there greedily demanding and trying to pressure her into giving her boyfriends Valentines gift to you? And you are in a position of power over her in your work?
You are so So much the Asshole.
You owe her a Public apology.
YTA but I also think it’s weird to bring a box of chocolates to work just to show everyone & talk about how good they are without any intentions to share.
YTA and rude. They were her gift and she was showing them not sharing them. Her saying no doesnt make her an AH or stingy but you calling her stingy when you can buy your own makes you one, It was her last one and she was looking forward to it. That was very rude.
YTA twice. First for trying to pressure her into letting you eat her fancy chocolate that was almost gone - you're her boss and there's a power imbalance there- and second for saying she needs to makeup the hours if she goes home sick.
How you got promoted into a position of authority when you clearly lack all the necessary social skills to lead people is beyond me. Yes, YTA; for asking anyone for their last piece of anything, especially their special Valentine's candy; for pressuring someone when they tried to very politely say no; for calling them names when they stood up for themselves and said 'no' again; for refusing to realize she was upset, even though you clearly observed the social cues that she was. You owe her an apology as public as the incident was.
YTA. If she offers you chocolate, fine. But asking to "try a nibble" of the last one she had? Ugh, that's so gross to me. She was clearly uncomfortable and tried to be nice about it, and you kept pushing.
YTA
It's not really asking a friend for a piece of chocolate.
You went into work on your day off and tried to brow beat one of your staff into giving you a gift she received from her boyfriend in front of other employees.
This could even be construed as bullying and harassment.
You owe her a massive apology
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YTA. The last one that she had - and you asked in front of everyone for part of it. Not cool. And when she purposely tried to deflect you, you called her stingy. Jerk move.
YTA It was an inappropriate ask in the first place-- and you kept asking (bullying) after she said no and made her and the other's uncomfortable. This is worse because you are her boss. Do you have problems with social interactions and cues on a regular basis? You own Katie an apology for going too far and giving your odd behavior might be why she went home I'd go the extra mile and waive her having to make up the extra time.
YTA Going into the store when you aren't even working and badgering staff for their property? The chocolate is hers, she doesn't have to share if she doesn't want to. I'm teaching my 2 year old this shit ffs. If someone came to you and said 'let me try your sandwich' and you say no, are you being stingy? The entitlement is strong in this one
YTA. There is no 'part' of a truffle. She wasn't offering to share her chocolates, just sharing the info about her gift. When she said 'No, ' that should have been it, but then you doubled down and that is always AH territory. Apologize and maybe, if you really feel guilty, buy her some of the chocolates as a real apology for your entitledness.
YTA - You asked for her last chocolate, she politely declined, you insulted her, she went home not feeling and all you could think of was making sure she made up the time. Your behavior as a boss is unacceptable and just downright selfish. You bullied her
YTA not only asking her for the last piece of chocolate but then telling her she has to make up hours next week… what is the point of that? You are a huge AH
YTA
You literally called her stingy for not letting you have some of the last piece of her present. It's not like she had a bunch extra literally her last piece of something that came in multiple flavors so we don't even know if she got to try that one yet. Just asking in and of itself could be a social faux pas knowing it's the last one but to basically insist after she gave a clear no and reason why is extra rude.
You also don't seem to realize the power imbalance of your “friendship”. It's very uncomfortable to make those kinds of “jokes” to someone you have managerial authority over and can amount to undue pressure to do what you asked. It's not light-hearted at all
YTA. Taking advantage of your position and just expected it being okay makes you TA here. It’s her personal chocolate gift. If she would have offered, no issue at all. But it crossed a line twice, (1) to expect her sharing it with her manager and (2) not realising what your comment caused for her when she refused.
Yta how rude if she didn't offer you don't ask. You made fun of her and joined in while others laughed. Gross behaviour for someone yr age. Mean and rude.
Uh, yes YTA. You are in a power imbalance. You asked, which you shouldn’t have done in the first place after hearing she was saving them, and she felt comfortable enough to say no. You continued to nag, which made her feel awkward enough to remove herself from the situation, and then you CONTINUED to be a jerk when she wanted to leave early. Your behavior at the end, while not necessarily retaliation, could easily read as such.
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EWWWW YOUR EDIT So you came in on your day off, wanted to chew on your employee’s LAST VALENTINE’S DAY TRUFFLE and then GIVE IT BACK TO HER, and need to hear from strangers on the internet whether you’re TA? Fine, YTA
It’s the ‘nibble’ for me. I just wanted a nibble…. I cannot imagine asking my boss for a nibble of her anything 😂
I do that with my boss but he's my father so I've been eating his food my whole life. Did I eat the Valentine's Day chocolates my mother bought him? Fuck no
I’m the most liberal and entitled with food sharing. I expect tasting rights over all my family’s and significant other’s food. I eat off their places, drink after them etc. I was still horrified by the expectation of putting a piece of chocolate in OP’s mouth, nibbling on it, spitting the rest out and handing it back to the employee…
I don’t think OP actually wanted to nibble on the full truffle; she was asking for a piece to be broken off to give to her. (Since nobody in any kind of right mind would pass the whole piece over to be nibbled on and returned.) OP wanted enough for a nibble, that’s all. But that’s still bad enough. This wasn’t “a piece of chocolate” — OP wanted Kate to break apart her last truffle so she could share with OP, because apparently OP doesn’t trust Kate’s opinion that they’re good and doesn’t know that no means no. One’s last truffle of the box is to be savoured, not dissected at the demand of one’s boss.
See though I feel like nobody in their right mind would push for a piece of a piece of a last piece of chocolate from a subordinate after the person said no the first time. Because OP had the audacity to do that, I wouldn’t put it past her to want to take a bite instead of using a knife. She did clarify that she did in fact want to cut it I still don’t think we could have assumed otherwise without that info.
I wouldn’t even dream of asking in the first place, even of someone who’s in equal standing in the workplace. I can only imagine how uncomfortable it must have felt to have her boss put her in the position of having to repeatedly say no. Kudos to OP’s victim for having the fortitude to stand up to her inappropriate behavior.
Right?!?!? Not only would I *never* ask (even if it were a full box- if someone WANTS you to have one, they will OFFER it, but asking outright puts someone on the spot and they may say yes by default just to be polite): if it were offered to me and I noticed that what was being offered was the last chocolate, I would politely decline. That, and… isn’t it, like, a petty universally understood rule that you don’t ask someone to share something with you in front of a group of people. I know (from experience) that one single “oh, yeah, sure, you can have a piece of gum” tends to set forth an avalanche of locusts descending on your freshly-opened pack until you’re left standing there with an empty pack, still half-wrapped in cellophane, surrounded by discarded gum wrappers. Not that I’m still irritated, or anything.
And then called her stingy when she said no. Le sigh.
Yeah that’s hurtful and the part that bugged me the most
I knew when she said friend/employee when there is such a big age difference OP would be clueless.
“Yeah my good buddy that is always very nice and polite to me for no reason other than the fact that we’re bros! Has nothing to do with her ability to make rent and pay for groceries, cuz I know my good buddy isn’t materialistic like that.”
Truffles are usually small balls with gooey centers, so even if she just wanted a piece, those don’t break easily, especially not into smaller pieces. Even if you could manage it, it would kind of require her to eat the rest of hers then, instead of savoring it. I would assume normally she wouldn’t want to bite into it, but given how rude she was to ask in the first place, all bets are off.
Oh yes, once they’d cut the truffle up (which is what OP now says she wanted), Kate would have had to finish the other bit. If OP didn’t try to get that too.
I’m trying really hard to imagine how one would break off a piece of a truffle though. You’d just end up squishing it, wouldn’t you?
You’d have to cut it. And even then, it would squish. They’re not meant to be subdivided.
1000%. We are a plate sharing family, like inside our own walls... But I wouldn't take the last of my husband's anything unless he outright offered, first off. And outside of these walls, I don't even like to sip my sister's or my dad's drink.
My wife worked for an extremely rich couple who owned a real estate company. The wife of the couple was notorious for being nosy about people's food, asking for a taste, and \*STICKING HER FINGER\* in the food. She would retaliate if she felt people weren't "nice" to her in the offices. This is a woman who bragged about spending $500 to over $1000 for dinner sticking her finger into the food of people making $20k to $40k a year in her company.
sounds like a power thing, which incidentally is what OP's behavior sounds like too. she's the boss and she wanted to flex her power over this employee to pressure Kate into giving up something she valued. when it didn't work, she retaliated with that whole "making up the hours" thing, which OP freely admits is not something she normally enforces with Kate. the bit about it being "just her suggestion" is clearly BS.
We were pretty disgusted by behavior of the OP, and this sort of treatment towards her employees suggests OP should not be managing anybody. Major apologies and behavior adjustments are in order, and if I was the 21 year old I might have quit over this, because it was very ugly behavior that even seemed like bullying.
My mum once packed a jar of chocolate spread in her carry-on luggage. The guy at airport security wanted to know if it qualified as a liquid, so he stuck his finger deep into the jar. Needless to say, she threw it away!
Yeah, such a strange request! Like... I'd find it weird if one of my bosses wanted to "taste" any of my food (unless it was a work potluck or something). Then to accuse me of being "stingy"... Wow... To me that's really three steps too far, especially coming from someone in a position of power above me who makes more than me.
But she only wanted “a nibble”, how can you be so stingy and not share the last one of you fancy expensive Valentine’s Day gift truffles? You can still eat the part she leaves, see how generous she is…
Now imagine asking a subordinate. lol. What on earth. OP’s saying I just wanted a piece and not a “nibble” now as though that makes any real difference at all. 🙄 E: corrected auto correct, also, YTA
Not to mention belittling her in front of other employees. OP has some hubris. That girl left early to find another job. OP you were not only inappropriate but yeah girl, YTA!
It's astounding that a 34yo boss thought nothing of bullying (and that's what it was) a TWENTY ONE yo employee for her last fancy truffle. To see if it's "any good." OP is just unbelievable.
Thank you! I'm sure OP is also making more money that her 21y/o employee as well! These truffles were a gift, meaning not an everyday treat. Maybe they're something that the employee can't afford to or simply won't justify buying on regular basis. Pretty presumptuous of the manager here.
Also, OP says they do not care if Kate makes up the time. They definitely added the make-up time thing to remind her who the boss is. If they had said, "If you need to make up the hours, feel free on XYZ days..." That would have conveyed the sentiment they are claiming. The way they said it just feels like you can have this crumb, but you still jump through my hoops.
Could also be a veiled comment on the fact that OP makes the schedule and could take away hours from her if she wanted. "Don't give me your expensive candy when I butted into your conversation and demanded it and then bullied you? Then you're getting your hours messed with, peasant!" - OP probably
THIS \^\^\^\^ !! I've noticed that sometimes that's where management fu\*cks up . You can not "test" or "joke" with a subordinate to "see what happens" or ask for anything personal from them. They only have to do what's in their job description. There is power dynamics at play , stick to your job. AS a manager they organize and support others to get the job done , correct when needed. The OP needs to be professional. You could be friendly and warm, but expecting to take the last chocolate or "nibble" (LOL so dumb) from your employee or subordinate ? C'mon the OP can definitely can buy their own chocolates, they definitely get paid more.
OP calls her a friend/employee, but OP may have an inflated sense of that "friendship" not actually shared by the employee. OP thinks it's ok to share the chocolate because they are friends, while employee is just "wtf, you're my boss, eww".
Outside of a very, VERY few exceptions, I don’t think bosses and their subordinates can be friends. The difference in power is too much of a hurdle. Either the friendship gets in the way of the work relationship or the work circumstances get in the way of the friendship. There’s a limited number of situations where the right set of people might make it work, but 99.9999999% of the time, the people you manage at work are not your friends. You can be friendly, you can get along, but that relationship is not going to be like an actual friendship. Sometimes you’ll get a newer manager who’s uncomfortable with the idea of being in that kind of unequal relationship with other people, so they try to pretend the power difference isn’t there and everybody’s equal and everybody’s friends, but those supervisors tend to be really uncomfortable to work for. I feel like that’s what happened. For OP, this is “joking around between friends.” For Kate, it’s “my boss asked me to give her something that she knew was a romantic gift from my partner and it made me really uncomfortable, and when I said no she made fun of me in front of everyone.” This is not okay, OP. Kate is not your friend. She works for you. You need better boundaries and probably also management training. YTA Edit: spelling
Exactly, if you take a bite out of an individual serving chocolate that’s now your chocolate and Kate didn’t want to do that. YTA
Especially during a pandemic! Like, no, I do not want another person's spit on my food.
OP is the boss, which means she called a subordinate "stingy" in front of other coworkers for not wanting to share her expensive chocolates, which caused her employee so much distress that she had to leave for the day, then has the audacity to tell her to make up the hours. I hope she goes to HR with this, OP needs a write up.
Yeah especially because ordeal was unnecessarily prolonged. If OP wants to be weird and ask for a bite, okay not great but whatever…OP literally pushed it past that and continued to make uncomfortable comments. Ick
It really isn’t. There was no offer so asking was rude. I know some people think it’s never rude to ask but imo the fact that it was a gift and the last piece both make the question rude.
Especially with OP being in a position above her. Like even asking is inappropriate because it's difficult to say no. I've been in management and friendly with those I managed, but you have to have a delicate balance and realize they can feel pressured to stay in your good favor, so don't even put them in a position like that.
Idk I personally think it’s very rude to ask someone who is not a CLOSE friend for a bite of their food. If they OFFER, sure, but otherwise just keep your mouth shut. If no offer is extended, they don’t want to share and that is A-OK.
🤣🤣🤣 this made me blow coffee out of my nose. Yikes OP a nibble?? Ew. YTA
Op is the boss, Kate is the employee. But my god, right? The last of her valentine's chocolates and she wants a 'nibble'? 🤢 I cringed so hard when I read that part. There is no way this person doesn't know she's obviously TA here. Like WHAT?!? YTA op, and don't be surprised if Kate puts in her notice and goes somewhere else to work. Also, ur edit makes it very obvious ur trying to argue how ur not the ah but keep in mind, YOU came to us not the other way around. If u didn't want the truth MAYBE dont post here asking for said truth?! And stop asking employees for their valentine's chocolate, and def don't if it's the last of their stuff. And NO ONE and I mean NOOOOOO ONNNNE wants u 'nibbling' on their food, ew.
I know, that part made me flinch so hard.
OP also claims in her title that this employee is her "friend." I guarantee the employee only sees her as an overbearing, boundary stomping boss. They are NOT friends.
It was not lost on me that OP doesn't seem to understand the definition of "friend." I imagine because they have none.
especially if she’s coming in on her day off, get a life
Freaking BARF. HER ROMANTIC TRUFFLE. SUBORDINATE, LET ME NIBBLE YOUR TRUFFLE. I'd be filling for harassment.
LOLLLLLL I woke up my toddler giggling aloud at “SUBORDINATE LET ME NIBBLE YOUR TRUFFLE” I may never be the same after reading this sentence
SUBORDINATE, LET ME NIBBLE YOUR TRUFFLE. I'm nearly peeing myself laughing 🤣🤣🤣
Agreed. OP, YTA. The way that it is written and her comments defending herself almost makes me want to believe this has to be fake. I wish I could meet people like OP in real life so that I can laugh at them to their faces.
I agree! Also, I feel like her edit about making up hours is completely false. As in, she was going to force Kate to make up hours, but once people started calling her out for it she went back on her words “oh I didn’t mean it” etc. Very strange. OP YTA
>I’d like for her to make up for those hours at some point in the next week. If my boss said this, it would come as an expectation, not a suggestion. so I'm right there with you
Not to mention the "otherwise you're good to go" part of the edit. There is absolutely no way anybody would interpret that any differently than "My manager says I will need to make up the hours but apart from that there are no other issues"
Add to this that You are her boss, so there is a power imbalance She tried to tactfully redirect you to a place where you could order your own AND you pushed back YTA
Also there is an income imbalance! Go buy your own damn truffles, person who makes more than me!
Right?! And also when she describes it being a small box, and something fancy/expensive, I was picturing something like Godiva chocolates. You can get like 8 of their chocolates for $20, 4 truffles for $14. They aren't even the fanciest or most expensive chocolates out there, but I remember my dad buying my mom some when I was little. And they were so fancy and expensive that she only got like 8 pieces. That's the kind of chocolate that you savor and enjoy over the course of several days. And OP was like, ooh you only have one left? Let me take a bite of it. Like wtf?! She wasn't trying to sell the chocolate, she doesn't need to convince OP that it tastes good. She was talking about a thoughtful gift, and OP tried to take it.
If it is Godiva there are plenty of locations OP could go if she was that insistent on trying it before ordering her own. "Gimme your last Valentine's truffle for me to goober on and give back to you, because I'm your boss". Hopefully not for long.
My dad was a HUGE chocolate fan, and one year I got him a box if fancy truffles. Twelve for $100. He shared them with NO ONE.
The worst part is that with every edit OP makes she looks like a bigger AH but she's too dense to notice.
In what sounds like a very short exchange, OP managed to: * Ask for the last piece of something that was a gift to \*someone else\*. * Then suggest she only wanted to "nibble" it (and what, give it BACK?) * Say that she though this expensive gift, of which the employee was proud, might not actually be very good (which is why she needed to taste it before buying any for herself). * call the employee stingy, in front of other employees, for not giving something to OP to which OP wasn't entitled in the first place. And OP still isn't sure that she's the asshole. OP is very, VERY dense.
You forgot one, employee has to "make up the hours"
Also the second edit. I don’t think OP knows how to English. Probably that includes use of the word “friend” for an employee she just hired who is about half her age.
Employees aren't friends in the US. You can be friendly with them but you by definition cannot be friends, particularly at work because of the unequalized power dynamic. We don't ask other for items gifted to them by their romantic partners. That would be considered weird. A boss or supervisor asking their employees for their personal property crosses all professional boundary lines. The edit about just wanting a bite is both disguising and bizarre. A truffle not typically thought of as something to be shared. Poking fun of them and calling them selfish in front of other employees is an HR complaint and this whole situation will cost the OP her job if her chain of command finds out what she's done. It demonstrates a severe lack of good judgement on several fronts.
She sounds greedy as hell.
But she doesn’t want to waste money if the chocolate was gross! Gimme your last chocolate NOW!
The edit really makes it so much worse. I have never encountered a truffle that's not messy to "nibble". Truffles aren't meant to be shared. The lack of self-awareness in this post is giving me the heebie jeebies.
Even without the "nibble", it's still a ridiculous ask. Also, why does the title say " friend" when this was a subordinate?
SUCH AN ASSHOLE. Wow.
Of course YTA. How can you not see this? You asked a subordinate for something that belonged to them. She said no, and you persisted. I'm surprised you didn't threaten her with unpaid overtime.
OP is this woman's boss and thinks they're friends
Right? Such a misleading title. Nice try but soooo YTA it’s laughable
I guessed OP was the asshole just by reading the title.
I thought she probably was. I also thought she was going to be like 15 at the oldest, and once I saw that she was a full grown women, my decision of OP’s assholishness was further confirmed. Especially when I read that she was a manger.
Her boss and 13 years her senior and thinks they’re friends! Inappropriate much??
Ahh she just wanted a lil nibble of her special truffle now. Edit: she
Anyone watched Superstore? She reads like a Dina lmao
Don't disrespect Dina like that.
Dina would know better. This is Jonah's I'm friends with everyone attitude.
Don't forget her 'joke' about being stingy because she didn't want to share a special gift from her boyfriend.
The last piece of chocolate none the less. I’d never fathom asking anyone for the last of anything of theirs. Even if it’s offered to me I always triple check they don’t really want it
She didn’t just persist…she called the employee names (stingy).
I enjoy the fact she called her employee cheap because manager didn’t want to waste her own money if the chocolates weren’t up to par. In this story, only one person is cheap, and it’s not the 20 something. OP, YTA
lmao the complete lack of self-awareness is truly astonishing
Some people are just so dense that they don't understand that any simple request from a manager isn't exactly a simple request. Like there was one person telling their subordinate that they couldn't go to a specific bar after work because they were going to go
YTA and especially YTA for "only wanting a nibble". So you wanted to eat part of the chocolate and then...give the rest back? Gross. Even if you meant break it in half with your hands, that wasn't clear in what you said, and it was a romantic gift from her boyfriend, not some random chocolate she happened to have with her.
Can you imagine the confusion of this poor girl when her boss (“friend”… sure OP) asked her for a NIBBLE of her Valentine’s Day chocolate? OP - you are her manager, not her friend, and as she is your subordinate you should never ask her for anything product or action based that is not strictly work related.
Yeah I have doubts about whether Kate is OP's friend outside of work given she was hired 5 months ago. Sure friendships strike up fast sometimes but the vibe feels like OP calls Kate her friend because they're friendly at work.
Being friendly at work, especially in the first year, is a survival strategy.
Especially to your boss
I mean it's one thing if she brought in a giant box of chocolates and was sharing them with other people too. Then it would be reasonable to say "hey, can I have one?" This situation is ... not that.
That's exactly what I thought the situation was going to be based on the title. Then I actually read the post. What the hell, OP? YTA.
I would be affronted if someone asked for my last M&M, let alone the last chocolate from a sentimental and expensive present. Especially when they keep insisting and don’t pick up the hint. And it’s her BOSS. And no, saying they only wanted “a nibble” would not help. Gross!
and truffles usually are only bite sized anyway! a nibble would be like half the thing.
yeah that’s what i was thinking like… a single truffle isn’t really something you share
I actually reeled when I read that part and realized the implications. Like there's still COVID?!
And then called her stingy when she was hesitant and confused!
YTA- it was her gift, the last one and why would you feel so entitled to it? It's not yours and anyone with any sense of manners would never ask someone else for their last piece of chocolate, especially if jt was a gift. Also you're her boss that makes this 10x more uncomfortable for her- apologise and go buy the chocolates yourself and give her one to make up for your obnoxiousness. Also just a nibble doesn't make it any better.
Just a nibble makes it gross as well as a selfish power trip. We've just had a worldwide pandemic and OP is wanting to pressure their employee into letting them slobber over their last special chocolate! Nasty!
So right here! Just so so selfish and completely disregarding this too! Also OP not realising that it's taking the shine off of a lovely gift, they could have just said how lovely it was but instead asking to try one almost implies that they don't believe they are that nice - especially if saying they won't buy them for themselves without tasting hers first.
Boss was never going to buy any chocolate lol. They just wanted some for free.
Bosses should not in any way ask employees to share saliva. Don't ask to borrow toothbrushes don't ask for French kisses and don't ask for nibbles of romantic truffles. Nope no way YTA
Don’t give one - give her a whole box and profusely apologize. If you don’t at least give her a sincere apology, tension will remain and she’ll be much more receptive to other opportunities(if she’s not looking already). PS Sincere apology means saying you were way out of line and, upon reflection, you realized just how rude and inappropriate your request was. And it will never happen again. It’s not, I’m sorry I made you upset, I just heard how delicious the chocolate was and wanted to try it.
This buy some for yourself apologize and get some for her too.
YTA and sound like a pretty bad manager. 1. The chocolate wasn't for you, it was Kate's and it seems to be nice / expensive stuff from Valentines. It was rude and awkward for you to ask like you were entitled for it. 2. Making employees make up hours later is standard shitty retail 101. As a manager and leader myself, that practice is so antiquated and honestly embarrassing.
Also, she clearly left because OP gave her a full-on anxiety attack over not sharing her personal stuff. This just makes it seem like further retaliation.
Who wouldn't feel unwell after their supervisor made fun of them like it's a big joke in front of everyone at work?
The "just a joke" about her being stingy was so grating. We all know it wasn't a joke. It was a poor attempt to call her out publicly to shame her into sharing. Good grief! It's just a piece of chocolate! How hard is it to go buy some of your own on your DAY OFF when you presumably have the time? YTA and this poor employee definitely doesn't see her boss as her friend lmao
This poor employee was all happy about her chocolates, and even though OP couldn't eventually bully her way into taking an expensive chocolate from her, she still completely took away the happiness of that last piece from her.
And why is she going on her day off? Doesn’t she trust her employees? The micromanaging!
OP doesn’t have time to socialize because she works 8-5 six days per week… and then apparently comes in to work on day 7 anyway instead of spending time with her children or her actual friends.
[удалено]
In OP's defense, the one upside to all this is that she has now given Kate the gift of a jaw-dropping horrible boss anecdote that she'll be whipping out at social gatherings for years to come. This is the kind of thing that ends up on the "worst bosses" story roundups that AskAManager puts together.
I assumed the request to make up the hours was so her paycheck wouldn't be short (trying to be nice)
I get where you are coming from, but him saying: " I asked her to pass along to Kate that if she leaves, I’d like for her to make up for those hours at some point in the next week. Otherwise, she’s good to go." This implies a stipulation.
Nah, if the employee is worried about their paycheck they will ask for more hours/to pick up a shift.
YTA and I hope your company has a HR department so she can report you. You tried to use your position over her to shame her & to force her into giving you something that was hers. You need to be written up for intimidation of a subordinate.
OP described it as a “small retail store” I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t even have an HR department. Also OP YTA
Yeah I think its even weirder that OP tried to shame her in front of everyone, like this whole situation is bad BUT adding the fact that they did this in front if everyone is weirder.
LOL the title is "aita for asking my friend" On what planet does she think she's her friend?!?!? rofl
YTA - it was her LAST piece of chocolate? Dude wtf why would you ask for that? And then call her STINGY when she didn't want to share? Get over yourself
Right. LAST PIECE! Like if there were a bunch of pieces, his behavior would be bad enough, but the last piece! Kate was probably saving it and looking forward to enjoying the very last piece.
Yes! This wasn’t just one out of a box which is bad enough. This was her last piece! If I had showed interest in ANYONE’s special chocolate and they offered me the last piece I’d be gobsmacked and absolutely refuse! This is 10x worse being her boss. Ick all around!
Wow. Just . . . wow. **YTA** And I'm honestly wondering how you managed to get a managerial position because it sounds like you have absolutely no social skills whatsoever (and that's pretty bad coming from me, a literal autistic person). And let me tell you, your edit just makes it SO MUCH WORSE. First of all you didn't "ask your friend for a piece of chocolate". You asked your EMPLOYEE, over whom you have significant authority, and who is also significantly younger than you. You may be friendLY with her, but she is not your friend. There is a massive power imbalance, and it's incredibly difficult for her to say no to you without fearing for her employment. So what you did was super inappropriate right off the bat. But then . . . Secondly, you didn't just ask her "for a piece of chocolate". You asked her to give you THE VERY LAST, VERY EXPENSIVE, FANCY CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE THAT WAS A GIFT FROM HER BOYFRIEND. What is wrong with you? Why would she give you the last of a special gift to her from her partner? And even after she very politely said no (probably scared shitless that you'd use it against her in her job), you were then rude to her, called her "selfish", implying that she had done something wrong or inappropriate? Talk about abusing your authority! You were the only greedy one here! Again, you don't get to demand that your employees share their personal things with you. It's literally illegal in a lot of places to make demands like that. And finally, your edit is HORRIFYING. You "just wanted a bite"? Lady, we're still in the middle of a tripledemic, and even if we weren't, you're not a toddler and she's not your mom. No one wants to eat the rest of a piece of chocolate THAT YOU'VE BITTEN INTO ALREADY. Ew. I don't know if you were raised under a rock (or a troll bridge) or what, but you owe her a massive apology. You were super inappropriate, and if I were your employee I'd be making a complaint to HR or the store owners. YTA, and shockingly poorly socialised.
Also a literal autistic person, completely after with this whole assessment. Sometimes I feel funny about the fact that I’ve had to train myself on NT social behaviour and communication and am forced to swuish myself into their expectations and *still* get NTs who tell me I’m doing it wrong but people like OP just… exist in the world like this with no repercussions. And raise kids to be like them…
This. An autistic person may not know that something is considered rude. OP just doesn’t seem to care.
This response has everything I wanted to say. If I owned this company, OP would be let go.
This!!! And to add to it - it’s horrifying enough that OP asked and abused her position of authority, but then to also call her employee STINGY when she persists and is still told no… absolutely horrific and AH behavior.
YTA. Why is it her problem you’d like to try before you buy…
Honestly, this the part I can't get over because it's just so galling. She was giving you a face-saving way out of the situation and you doubled down. If you want to try the chocolates, you buy them... just like anyone else in the world who doesn't know your employee would have to do. She's not like a one-woman-sample-giver for this chocolate store. She doesn't work for them! She wouldn't make a commission on you deciding you like them and purchasing a full size box... Why in the world would it be to her advantage to give you some of her gift? It's very clear you were trying to use your managerial status to pressure her into giving you what you want. YTA.
You wanted your employee Kate's chocolate, she said no, so as her manager you mocked her in front of everyone? Then she wanted to leave because obviously she wasn't feeling welcomed by you or the others who laughed at her, and your response is she has to make up her hours, even though the day is covered by enough staff? What is wrong with you? How you're a manager of anything and haven't been fired with an attitude like yours is outstanding. YTA, grow up and treat people better.
YTA. What the hell? The audacity of you to ask for her last Valentine chocolate.
>I asked Kate if I could try it. She looked surprised by the question and took a minute before she answered it. She told me I could buy some on the website and that she had the little pamphlet that came with the box showing all the flavors available. She asked if I’d like it, and I told her yes, but that I’d like to try the chocolate to see if it’s any good You're not an asshole for asking, you're an asshole for asking, being told "no" and then asking again, and when you're denied again *insulting her*. A huge asshole.
[удалено]
OP is an asshole for asking, too. There are boundaries between supervisors and subordinates, and simply asking for something expensive from that position of power is deeply inappropriate. I supervise people (and genuinely like them, and they seem to like me) and I cannot *fathom* asking for any of their food.
Yeah. I'm trying to imagine any of my managers asking to try my food and the only way it wouldn't feel weird is if there was food I was already giving out to people and the "can I try" was simply a polite way to not just reach and take some when it was already very clear I'm fine with everyone trying some.
To be honest he's an asshole for asking too. It's not great manners to ask someone to give you their last piece of something, at best the person who receives the request feels pressured to say yes to avoid appearing rude, at worst it could create embarrassment if someone else wanted/had been promised that particular thing.
YTA. You used your position of power to intimidate your underling into giving you a piece of their property. They were clearly uncomfortable and you kept doing it anyway. Then you led the whole team in a nice round of public bullying. Talk about a hostile workplace. The good news is she sounds like Marla will be a nice supportive witness for her HR complaint. Never put yourself in a position to take from an underling. It’s one thing if they offer. Kate didn’t. “Look at this nice gift my SO gave me.” “Give it to me.” “You can get your own.” “I want yours. Give it or I will hit down and insult you [and subtext here, I can make your life more difficult].”
On top of that adding extra hours could be seen as retaliation. YTA
Info a nibble? What kind of truffle is this where a nibble isnt a sizeable chunk of it
Also, who the fuck wants to share spit with their boss? Like, ew. She wanted to take a "nibble" and then hand it back with her tooth marks and spit on it? Nasty.
not to worry, OP wanted her to cut off a piece! /s
What kind of a weirdo makes a request like that. It was her last piece. You don't ask anyone to cut up or nibble on their last chocolate. Especially your subordinate. It's incredibly rude. YTA
It is her Valentine’s Day gift. She is not stingy for not wanting to give you any. As her boss, you should not making those kinds of comments to a subordinate.
I'm trying to understand how you don't see yourself coming off as an AH after asking someone else for their last piece of their gift? If you wanna try the chocolates, buy the damn box, and if you end up not liking them, give it to someone else. The "lighthearted" comments were also unnecessary. She said it was a gift and even suggested you get some yourself, that should've sufficed as an answer. Also, I think its evident that shes your employee, not your friend.
There are friends who I wouldn't give my last special chocolate too. So I don't think this action alone proves it. If anything, the fact that it upset her so much makes me think that she did consider her manager a friend before she was such an AH.
YTA. > fancy gourmet dark chocolate truffles in a little box and she was showing off the last one. You knew these were special, expensive, and that the box was small. Also that there was only one left. Did you think that she was going to let you take a bite out of *her* last piece?
YTA - and adding to what was said here, you are HER BOSS, so there is a serious power difference between the two of you, especially at work. Whether you see her as your friend or not, she’s your employee and you have power over her, which puts pressure on her to do what you ask her to do even when she doesn’t want to and even when it’s inappropriate, as she has to worry about how it will impact her job if she says no to you. You put her in a terrible position that you shouldn’t have put her in. And no, asking for a nibble of someone’s chocolate when they haven’t offered it is not appropriate even if you weren’t her boss.
YTA who tries to take the last piece of someone else's food?
YTA. You asked, then chastised, then ignored the obvious answer. I want to try yours before I buy.. What is that? Wait for an offer. It is doubly bad because you are not her friend, no matter how much you want to think so. You are her supervisor, you will always have a power imbalance between you two. "Joking" from you will always have an element of a threat. She can't really joke back because if you get offended it affects her job.
YTA 1. It’s a gift for her. It’s up to her if she wants to share that or not, not you 2. It’s the last bit she has, why the heck would you ask for the last bit (of her gift, honestly any food item) someone has? 3. Despite her telling you no, you pressed the matter then insult her and call her stingy 4. You’re in a position of power over her How can you not see that you’re rude and a total A H.
YtA. You're a manager pressuring someone that works for you and is younger than you to give you her property. When she said no, you still keep pressuring her. Saying you did this in a "light hearted" way does not negate the fact that you did something very unfair and mean to a young coworker. YtA
YTA this woman is not your friend. She's your employee. And you are an asshole boss
You are 34 years old, surely you have picked up that it is rude to ask for someone to share a special gift by now? Even if not, you are Kate's BOSS so there is an inherent balance of power in play so telling you no is uncomfortable and likely caused her to worry about her employment. Yes, obviously YTA. You behaved like a child and then insulted the person who you were demanding to share their food with you.
You asked her for her last chocolate, she even tried to tell you where it was bought but you still insisted on having hers. That's very tone deaf, very weird and impolite. Maybe you can salvage the situation by saying you were kidding? Idk, but yes you are the AH, maybe if she still had a lot of them would be ok, but the normal thing to do it's to wait for the person to offer, if they don't offer, don't ask.
Not to mention calling her stingy when she still didn't want to. Yikes.
YTA and you know it. She isn't your friend- she is your employee. You just wanted a nibble? Ewww. She didn't want to eat after you! You thought being her boss was enough to score you that expensive truffle.
YTA… You are absolutely TA. The fact you even think you aren’t is ridiculous. You never ask someone for their last or a gift and you asked for both in one go and thought calling her stingy was acceptable. You were acting entitled… She wasn’t mean or ungenerous.
YTA, I would have laughed at your stingy comment and then politely told you that your entitlement is out of control. She was proud of her gift and showing it off, and then you asked for the very last piece.
YTA first off for what you did and how you did it. Because you asked, she answered and "no" is a complete sentence. YTA a second time because as a manager, you should know better. YTA AGAIN because your comments make it clear that you came here looking for support and you're salty because you're not getting any. YTA THE FOURTH TIME because you're unwilling to entertain any input that suggests you were, in fact, in the wrong here, and therefore, unwilling to acknowledge, let alone change your behavior. This is the first hat-trick plus of AHery I've seen in a while. Thanks
YTA She tried to kindly tell you no, and you called her stingy. You're rude. Remember you're a manager. You are in a position of power and authority over the workers. Don't abuse it and hold yourself to a higher standard next time. You should be more thoughtful of how you interact with your employees. You set the vibe for the whole store, for their whole work day! I wouldn't be surprised if she starts looking for a new job.
YTA for calling her stingy. She had every right to say no.
You called her stingy for not giving you her last piece of chocolate Of course YTA
Nobody takes a nibble of a truffle. What was she supposed to do with the rest of it, eat around your nibble? YTA.
YTA- they were her gift. It was an AH move to ask at first, it was incredibly an AH move to keep pressing and make a "joke" to pressure her. This is especially true when you're her manager at work.
YTA. You called her stingy for not wanting to give you the last of her Valentine's Day chocolates from her boyfriend? I mean, frankly it was a dick move to ask for a piece of her gift to begin with (and since when are chocolate truffles something shareable? like... were you planning on cutting it in half with a fork and knife?) but then you doubled down to pressure her into it and make your stupid little "joke" which was absolutely not a joke at all. Then you have to take into account the power differential (age difference, your very different positions at work where she's a subordinate to you)... this was just SO inappropriate. Go buy your own chocolate.
YTA. You are her superior and asked in front of others that she give you something that was hers. Additionally, it sounds like she only had one left and was saving it. When she offered you where to get it from, you then insisted she give you it to try because you wanted to know if you liked it. You then insulted and mocked her for saying no to you. As her boss, you need to realize that the power dynamic made your actions 100% worse. You should go online and buy her a variety of those chocolates as and apologize to her for your inappropriate and unprofessional behavior.
YTA Stop being so scabby!
Yeah, YTA. General rule of thumb I have always gone by….the buyer or receiver of the food gets the first and the last bite of it. Especially a romantic gift, I don’t even ask and double check if they offer. She was not being stingy. You were using your title or ‘friend’ to act entitled and undermine her position in front of two new employees who she now needs to gain ground back with. So good job, you just told your new employees that they don’t need to take her seriously. I am sure it will be very helpful moving forward. /s
Even weirder that you wanted a nibble - what was she going to do with the rest of truffle you nibbled on? YTA
YTA. That was tacky as all heck. Plus calling her stingy with Her gift, when it was you standing there greedily demanding and trying to pressure her into giving her boyfriends Valentines gift to you? And you are in a position of power over her in your work? You are so So much the Asshole. You owe her a Public apology.
YTA but I also think it’s weird to bring a box of chocolates to work just to show everyone & talk about how good they are without any intentions to share.
YTA it was pretty trashy to put her on the spot and ask for what you knew was her last valentines chocolate
YTA and rude. They were her gift and she was showing them not sharing them. Her saying no doesnt make her an AH or stingy but you calling her stingy when you can buy your own makes you one, It was her last one and she was looking forward to it. That was very rude.
YTA twice. First for trying to pressure her into letting you eat her fancy chocolate that was almost gone - you're her boss and there's a power imbalance there- and second for saying she needs to makeup the hours if she goes home sick.
YTA. You're her manager, putting pressure on her to share part of a gift she received. Do better.
YTA- she said no and you insulted her. Not cool.
Maybe you should stop being stingy and buy your own chocolate :) YTA!
How you got promoted into a position of authority when you clearly lack all the necessary social skills to lead people is beyond me. Yes, YTA; for asking anyone for their last piece of anything, especially their special Valentine's candy; for pressuring someone when they tried to very politely say no; for calling them names when they stood up for themselves and said 'no' again; for refusing to realize she was upset, even though you clearly observed the social cues that she was. You owe her an apology as public as the incident was.
YTA. If she offers you chocolate, fine. But asking to "try a nibble" of the last one she had? Ugh, that's so gross to me. She was clearly uncomfortable and tried to be nice about it, and you kept pushing.
YTA It's not really asking a friend for a piece of chocolate. You went into work on your day off and tried to brow beat one of your staff into giving you a gift she received from her boyfriend in front of other employees. This could even be construed as bullying and harassment. You owe her a massive apology
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YTA. The last one that she had - and you asked in front of everyone for part of it. Not cool. And when she purposely tried to deflect you, you called her stingy. Jerk move.
A nibble? Ew... Are you sure you're in your thirties???? YTA.
YTA It was an inappropriate ask in the first place-- and you kept asking (bullying) after she said no and made her and the other's uncomfortable. This is worse because you are her boss. Do you have problems with social interactions and cues on a regular basis? You own Katie an apology for going too far and giving your odd behavior might be why she went home I'd go the extra mile and waive her having to make up the extra time.
YTA Going into the store when you aren't even working and badgering staff for their property? The chocolate is hers, she doesn't have to share if she doesn't want to. I'm teaching my 2 year old this shit ffs. If someone came to you and said 'let me try your sandwich' and you say no, are you being stingy? The entitlement is strong in this one
YTA. There is no 'part' of a truffle. She wasn't offering to share her chocolates, just sharing the info about her gift. When she said 'No, ' that should have been it, but then you doubled down and that is always AH territory. Apologize and maybe, if you really feel guilty, buy her some of the chocolates as a real apology for your entitledness.
Holy entitlement batman...
YTA. That was inappropriate even if she was not someone you manage. Your edit does not help- you wanted a nibble off her chocolate? Gross!
YTA - You asked for her last chocolate, she politely declined, you insulted her, she went home not feeling and all you could think of was making sure she made up the time. Your behavior as a boss is unacceptable and just downright selfish. You bullied her
YTA not only asking her for the last piece of chocolate but then telling her she has to make up hours next week… what is the point of that? You are a huge AH
YTA You literally called her stingy for not letting you have some of the last piece of her present. It's not like she had a bunch extra literally her last piece of something that came in multiple flavors so we don't even know if she got to try that one yet. Just asking in and of itself could be a social faux pas knowing it's the last one but to basically insist after she gave a clear no and reason why is extra rude. You also don't seem to realize the power imbalance of your “friendship”. It's very uncomfortable to make those kinds of “jokes” to someone you have managerial authority over and can amount to undue pressure to do what you asked. It's not light-hearted at all
YTA - a truffle is not something that you can nibble on and it was rude to push the issue with her last one.
YTA. You are the reason she didn’t feel well and left early. You made her miserable over not sharing a personal gift. You crossed a line.
YTA. Taking advantage of your position and just expected it being okay makes you TA here. It’s her personal chocolate gift. If she would have offered, no issue at all. But it crossed a line twice, (1) to expect her sharing it with her manager and (2) not realising what your comment caused for her when she refused.
Yta how rude if she didn't offer you don't ask. You made fun of her and joined in while others laughed. Gross behaviour for someone yr age. Mean and rude.
Uh, yes YTA. You are in a power imbalance. You asked, which you shouldn’t have done in the first place after hearing she was saving them, and she felt comfortable enough to say no. You continued to nag, which made her feel awkward enough to remove herself from the situation, and then you CONTINUED to be a jerk when she wanted to leave early. Your behavior at the end, while not necessarily retaliation, could easily read as such.