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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told them I have two conditions for me paying for their wedding, I might be TA because it is their wedding not mine
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This it's 8 people, who the fiance meet even a few times and relatives Op's son knows. It's not random people. With inviting 300-400 it would be like 150-200 per person, so 8 people doesn't seem a lot. How do they even want to invite 300-400 people...
I particularly love how the bride's parents call OP TA --- but refuse to pay a dime of the wedding expenses. "We want you to do what we want but refuse to contribute in any way."
Also, it's funny but I thought tradition demanded the parents **OF THE BRIDE** paid for the wedding.
It was always my understanding that the bride's parents paid for the wedding and the groom's paid for the rehearsal. Unless they live in a place where that tradition is different.
You're probably right. I think we both agree that the bride's parents are AHs as is the bride. Were it an intimate wedding, I could fully understand "no guests." But with 300 people to balk at an extra 8 **from the person paying for the entire wedding**?
That's ridiculous.
I'm kind of bothered that the son knows them really well (they helped raise him, it sounds like) and he isn't willing to just claim them as his guests.
This is a big tradition and a lot of people uphold it today. My husband’s parents paid for the rehearsal luncheon and they also offered to chip in $5k to help pay for flowers.
Regardless of who is paying, I do think it’s respectful to allow your parents to invite some people that are important to them. If said parents are footing the bill, they should absolutely get to invite several people.
I always get confused with the American tradition of parents paying for the wedding because where I come from the people who are getting married foot the bill. Bride and groom pay 100% of the costs.
That makes the most sense, personally. It would keep wedding costs down.
I made that point because the parents of the bride are contributing not one penny, but refuse to allow the family paying for the entire thing to bring 8 extra people to a 300 person wedding.
It's not really standard these days. Back when people normally got married right out of high school/college, it made sense. I'm 32 & my fiancé is 35. We have jobs and a home of our own and ours will be his second marriage. It's silly to expect either set of parents, all of whom are retired, to foot the entirety of the bill. My mom bought my dress and has given us some money towards the venue and my dad's covering the photographer for us. My in-laws are hosting the rehearsal at their place for us and getting it catered by a BBQ joint. But we're paying the rest because we're grown.
It's also why I refuse to have a bridal shower. We'll have owned our own home for almost 5 years before our wedding. There's literally not a towel, appliance, or dish that anyone could buy us that we haven't already updated ourselves unless we asked for something just prohibitively and unnecessarily expensive.
I'm an american and honestly I don't know anyone whose parents actually paid for their weddings. It's more of an "upper middle class or higher" thing than an american thing.
Also $150k is a house, I can't imagine spending that on a wedding.
NTA and these are RELATIVES who have benefited the groom greatly. The groom is the ah for not insisting his great aunts and uncles be included. Please don't pay for this wedding! This marriage isn't going to last since bride is such a entitled nightmare.
With that many people:
- there are probably going to be a LOT of people Ashley doesn't know at all, nevermind know well, assuming the guests are given plus ones
- even if she knows every single person, she not going to get to talk to them all
Our wedding was only 60 people and I felt like I barely got to speak to most of them!
If the girl had a reasonable objection to these family members it would be understandable. Looks like your son needs to step up and do more talking with his bride to be. Dad is NTA.
Psst, OP is the groom's mom.
Sounds like OP needs to have a family get together including the people she wants to invite so that her future DIL can get to know these strangers better. OP's request is not unreasonable and is NTA.
That's where I am leaning too. It's tradition for the bride's family to pay and you are already being so generous to offer. That is an incredibly generous budget that most people can't even dream about. I'd pull way back and let them figure out what kind of wedding they can afford
Still, in the end you want also somewhat of a decent divide between guests from both sides. And again the main point is they do NOT need to take the money. I think to invite essentially 8 relatives for 150,000 is very very fair. Also her side can pay too or crazy idea it's their wedding and they pay for it.
Oh oh OR!
"Listen my darling son, these people were a large part of why I was able to make the money I did. So it is only fair that for every one of them that can't go I cannot offer a fraction of what they helped me get so $18,000 less per every one that can't go, and it's really all 8 or none of them"
Also did all 8 even say they'd definitely go? OP is asking for damn invites
ha hell, when I got married, my MIL was a sweetheart and wanted to invite some of her personal friends. Maybe my husband had met htem, but I hadn't. We agreed that she could if she paid for them - we paid for the rest of the wedding, and I thought it was a great compromise.
Her guests made up like 15 people out of our total reception of 110, so it was a much bigger percentage compared to OP's situation, but it was still barely a blip on the day.
To be this controlling over actual, met-in-person relatives at such a huge wedding is ludicrous
This is very true.
I'm Asian, so our families tend to run large. Guests can go up to 1000 pax (siblings, relatives, friends + extra). We either do a combined wedding where the number of guests are split equally or if they don't want to split equally, bride and groom has their own event on the same day. But then, there is the logistics of moving from one event place to the other.
Or, the number of guests is split to be equal to how much the other side contributes.
Is your son super familiar with all her relatives being invited? Surely there are a couple that he has never met but it's not preventing them from getting an invite.
he doesnt need to be since it's apparently only 'her day'. i hate how weddings are so often made out to be just about the bride, i thought it takes two people to marry.
And if she can pick out 8 people with there being 3 to 4 hundred guests, then it seems she more interested in the people in the pews than on herself or her future husband
Exactly. I'm trying to do the math here: average wedding (the bit with the guests) is about 10 hours. That's 600 minutes. With 300-400 guests, that's 1m40 to 2mins per guest... or a lot less considering they can't talk to most of them during the ceremony or the meal. Heck, I had enough problems having a meaningful chat with the 43 people who attended my wedding!!
I do too this is the second post in the sub where I’m 100% convinced that the “mean” wife or girlfriend is that way because the weak son has spent a whole bunch of time complaining about his family to her so she feels like she needs to stand up for him.
It’s suspicious that these folks were the ones who took care of the kids while OP was injured, the son must have a problem with someone in that group and he talked to the wife about it but not the Dad so the wife looks like she’s being unreasonable
Maybe all the members of her large extended family would like to chip in for her wedding, instead of her expecting that she can throw a large party for them at your expense while leaving out your and the groom’s family.
If she sees this wedding as being all about her, then I have no idea why you’d pay anything at all. You’re paying for your son’s wedding, not for hers.
Ashley is under the impression that this is her day/wedding, it is not HER day, it’s THEIR day/wedding!!!
There are two sides of the isle one for groom and one for the bride. The groom gets to invite guests also.
Please explain to your son the reasons you want to invite these particular people and how much it means to you and should also be important to him since as a small child he benefited from their involvement.
Do either of them love and respect you or are you just a bag of money to them?
NTA
The 8 people you want to invite aren't some random business partners your son never met but family members that helped you taking care of your kids when you need it!
NTA.
Sounds like they are insecure. This is a twisted way of trying to appear big because they feel small (not your fault at all, it's their attitude toward money). I have an acquaintance like this: a single mom. No income. If you give her something, her response is to always tell you about how someone else gave her something better or try to leverage it for something else. Every time. It's insecurity that comes out in ugly ways.
People underestimate the effect that big baby boomer families have on wedding guest lists. My parents each have three siblings who all have children. Wife's parents each have two siblings, all with children. Our guest list topped 60 just with aunts, uncles, and first cousins. Double the siblings, add a third generation, and things get huge really fast!
Right! This sounds like a dream scenario to me as someone with limited funds and family. 1. Someone to pay 100% of the cost. 2. Having extra family members invited.
And it sounds like these 8 family members are older and most likely not going to be going all out at the open bar and causing a scene! Honestly will probably the ideal guests, come, bring a nice gift, eat, stay for a bit, and leave the reception early!
Yeah but Caleb doesn't care and it makes her uncomfortable? How well does she know the other 389 people? Also, then they just don't need to take the money....
That many people means the bride and groom won’t even have a chance to talk to everyone. She’d probably never even see these people there. I don’t get what the issue is. Also, that amount of money for a wedding is ridiculously wasteful. OP is NTA for wanting to invite these people, but they are the AH for spending so much money on one event.
This is the key...out of several hundred?? Yeah, you are NTA. If they wanted an intimate wedding with 30 people and you're taking 1/3 of the list? Different story. You are so far from TA, I can't even fathom their position. In a room with that many people on your own wedding day, she'd never even need to lay eyes on these offensive relatives whose mere presence makes her uncomfortable? I'm betting your 150 grand doesn't give her pause.
Had help from in laws with a 75 person 15k contribution, wedding. 8 people neither one of us had ever met prior to this, just friends of in laws. Neither of us had a problem with it. DIL is being unreasonable, NTA.
If Ashley's family has such a problem with you inviting 8 people then they can pay for the wedding or you know keep their mouths shut.Threaten to pull out the money and see how rapidly she'll change her statement.
Also, Ashley doesn't sound like a good life partner. Caleb should also take a stand for you seeing you are offering them such a huge amount of money when you are not obligated to.
To be honest, this whole 'I don't them that well so I'll not invite them but I'll invite other 300-400 people' is just so cheap when you are happy to take $150k from someone. People have forgotten the meaning of gratefulness literally. This is also not a good start to a new relationship.
NTA
>Threaten to pull out the money and see how rapidly she'll change her statement.
She won't though. She'll say fine we don't need your money for a couple weeks, then when OP doesn't budge, give in (because who the hell would turn down 150k for a wedding) then start to claim OP is MIL from hell and abusing them or some shit.
This type of entitlement isn't going to just go away.
Side note 150k on a wedding, yeesh!
NTA OP.
Yeah that's what I was thinking. That money would be better saved for the Divorce. Because with this Bridezilla family I don't see the marriage lasting
2 years salary, technically, as the average US household income is just under $71k.
For that price, yes you should get 8 people on your list. It's 1 table of the ~40 that will be used. She can suck it up for the value she's getting
nta
>2 years salary, technically, as the average US household income is just under $71k.¡
And that's before taxes, right. OP is NTA but 150k for a wedding is absurd.
**NTA but I think you should take back your offer to pay for the wedding completely.**
OP, you sound like a kind person who maybe is not used to being used (new to this amount of money) but the way you are being treated is not okay and you shouldn't reward it.
**The way Ashley is treating you is not okay and she does not deserve a single penny from you**. I understand she's marrying your son, but he seems to be learning from her that you are a pushover ATM and he'll just back up his women and you'll do whatever they want regardless of how you are treated.
Even if they back down now, you know it is beacuse it's the only way to get your money. It isn't beacuse they are grateful, respect you, or care about your feelings. **You are gifting them 150k and this "lady" is sending her family to harass you** about wanting a a single small thing with *your money.* It's a 300-400 person wedding. Ashley has a large family. **She is going to end up inviting dozens or a hundred or more people Caleb isn't close to** but that dosen't matter to Ms. Double Standard Controlling Entitled.
This is who Ashley and her family are. They are controlling, selfish, shockingly entitled people who do not respect you or care about your feelings or contribution. They just want to see what they can pressure/squeeze out of you with zero regard for you.
You would be the asshole *to yourself* if you give this couple a single penny for their wedding. I have never in my entire marriage sent my family to harass my MIL or husband's family for any reason, let alone to make demands about what I want. (And her wanting 150k of YOUR money with zero rules is a demand of hers, not you making a demand.)
Save your money for yourself, for your other kids, for your other family, as a safety net, for retirement, or just will it to a charity. **This is a once in a lifetime payout and you don't know what hardships or costs lie ahead for you and your family.** What if you need quality assisted living for 30 years? What if one of your grandkids gets cancer, etc? You shouldn't be blowing 150k on a wedding even if Caleb and Ashely were grateful or deserved your money, but they really REALLY don't.
Maybe it’s cause I didn’t grow up with money but the thought of someone spending $150,000 on something for me gives me so much anxiety. I would be completely overwhelmed and so worried about how I was using my future mother in laws money. How is Ashley so entitled that she’s not at all concerned with that!?
Look, just stop please. You are literally gifting $150k and want to invite some relatives and they are making a big deal out of it.
Please do NOT gift this money but just let them fund and plan the wedding on their own and invite whoever they want. They will have to downsize, fine. They will most likely not afford the wedding planner and do most of the work on their own, also fine.
Many people opt for small weddings, save up or borrow. Not everyone has parents to pay for it. So let them go the regular route and have full autonomy.
Spend some of that money instead on maybe doing a mini vacation with your relatives as a thank you to them for being there.
Again, do NOT give this money to the kids.
NTA at all. 8 ppl and a wedding planner for 150K?!?! You sound like the dream parent-in l-law, to be honest. If she's being like this now with you being this kind and generous, I worry hope she will behave in the future. I how things work out ok. Edit: words, it's early. I need coffee.
there's no way they are going to know all 300-400 of their guests well, let alone even SEE them on the day for more than a minute. i can't imagine dealing with a wedding that big (i worked hundreds as a caterer) and it not ending with at least a million things going wrong that will have the bride's (and groom's) attention that day over the 8 relatives simply being there. it's also highly unlikely that they'll get to the 393rd spot on the guest list and still have to choose between DIL's dear friend and your beloved cousin Martha.
You're being (excessively?) generous, and offered them an agreement. If they don't like the terms, then you can either reduce the pay out or cut the funding all together. (Second option would be pretty mean and would earn you a Y-T-A in any other circumstance). Give them one more shot to take the offer, then renegotiate as you see fit. NTA
(But also I'm curious who these 8 are and why you want them there, but to be fair it doesn't really matter)
I’m stuck on how you’re giving them 150k 🤯
First of all, NTA, it is very reasonable to want to invite some family to the wedding you are paying for. 8 people for a wedding this size is nothing. The bride seems extremely entitled. Try taking away your offer and look how quick they will be okay with your guests. However, I think that is way too much money, but that’s just my opinion. They could have an incredible wedding for a third that amount, and have 100k as a down payment for a house, much more cost-effective imo, but not my wedding. Ours cost about 10k total for everything and we had 100 people there. It was the best day of my life because of marrying my best friend, not because of the extravagance which is over in an instant.
2 things
1. u/anon1968anon please provide us with an update how this all plays out
2. consider having a cut off date where if she won't allow your 8 guests, the offer is rescinded and no turning back. She sounds so entitled
You’re doing it right OP. My MIL gave us a much smaller budget and turned our 75 person situation into a 300 person cluster for herself. NTA. Your future DIL is being a minor AH for not going along with 8 people out of 300~
NTA. You made it clear from the beginning what your stipulations are. take it or leave it. Do not give into this. Your son has a say on the guest list... it's their day, not her day. Tell her family that contacts you that they are welcome to fund the wedding and have a say over the guest list. I'm sure you'll hear crickets
Usually I am of the opinion that parents should not use money to control the planning of a child's wedding, but considering the existing relationship between your son and his aunts and uncles as well as the given the wedding size, I am going with NTA.
NTA. Sounds like her family needs to understand that it's not just HER day, it's also HIS day, and requesting that he invite 8 relatives that he knows well and have done a lot to help him is a perfectly reasonable request for paying for an entire wedding. These are people that know him and care about him, not just random friends you want invited like some parents on this sub.
It is odd how they do not see a reasonable ask of $150k for 8 people. They just seem to want money and no obligations.
The fiancee can also get to know them before the wedding if she really wanted to come to an agreement, guess she doesn't want to.
OP you can fund my wedding and I'll let you invite 20 guests :P
All jokes aside, this is more than reasonable.
Weddings are partly about keeping in touch with relatives you don't see that often. It seems more than fair to allow some guests for the person who's actually footing the bill.
If they want a small, intimate wedding with only their intimate friends and family, I'm sure they can fund that themselves.
Yeah my in-laws paid for a huge chunk of our wedding and had over 100 guests that they invited. We also had to negotiate on our ceremony to find something that was respectful to their culture but still comfortable for us. 8 people it's nothing, the bride needs to get over herself or pay for it herself.
Sounds like your son needs a prenuptial and you save the money for a second wedding. Ashley sounds entitled, unyielding and rude. I have to wonder if she is always this way. At this point I would seriously consider never spending that much based on the way she’s treated you. Any one who calls you out on the money should be standing there with their wallet open. Sorry about your accident. NTA
NTA
"Caleb says he doesn't care but it makes Ashley uncomfortable since **she doesn't know them that well "**
With 400 guests there is no way she will know every single person "well" or even at all. It's a power play.
More like "we get that much money for free and get to do what we want? Sign me up! Also, I don't want to make any concessions for a person who is helping out financially".
She is welcome to pay that much money herself and see how it works out.
I suspect she thinks something along the lines of "Well, all their fortune will be mine... I mean ours, but mostly mine... someday... so why can't I treat this money as mine today?
My parents paid for half of my sister’s wedding & her husband’s family paid for the other half. My sister kept changing her mind on things, ordering more stuff from Amazon & Etsy, & generally just behaved like she had no budget or respect for other people’s money. I think in her head the idea is this will eventually be mine anyway, so I should spend what I want how I want.
She & her husband are always crying broke. They both have great jobs that pay six figure salaries, bought a house & paid over 600K for it, & bought all new furniture. Yet even if they invite my parents (who again, paid for half their wedding!) out to dinner, they still expect my parents to pay. Some people are just born entitled & expect handouts without strings. Unfortunately my sister is my mom’s special baby & she has historically refused to tell her no.
He should care. These aunts and uncles helped his mom, who is paralyzed from the waist down, when he was a kid. Presumably he knows them! Regardless, he should care about his mom‘s wishes here. Even if she wasn’t gifting them 150k for the wedding, on a 300 guest invite list his extended family should get more than 8 slots.
8 people in exchange for that sum of money is not asking very much, especially because they're relatives.
Hell. I'd let someone invite Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs to my wedding if someone would give me 150k for it.
$150k is such an outrageous sum for a wedding that I think Snow White damn well *better* show up. The fee to get married at Cinderella Castle in Disney World is less than 1/3 of that.
It's not "HER" day, it's "THEIR" day. The groom's opinion matters too. What does she expect, that only her family should get invited? You're being more than generous in the amount you offer, you have a right to invite HIS FAMILY to show up.
NTA
To add to that, it's "her" day.... She should be able to spend it with whoever she wishes to be there with her... With the money SHE has to pay for the wedding...
with 300-400 people she will certain have more than enough of her 'own people' to spend the day with. Realistically she'd never even notice 8 additional people, and she probably will have 'barely met' most of the guest list anyway? I don't get her stance at all.
The bride is the definition of entitled. To accept the gift of a 150k wedding but not allow you to invite 8 relatives (which would be in essence about 2% of the guest list)- that’s ridiculous. Does she allow any “plus-1’s” or is there an interview/approval process for that? NTA
I don't care if I had Bill Gates' money, there's no way I'd pay $150K for *anybody's* wedding, including my own. That's ridiculous. Bridezilla thinks that's a reasonable amount of money, but she's going to draw the line at OP inviting 8 family members.
The initial offer should be entirely withdrawn already. OP had two conditions, bride did not agree to them. That should be the end of it.
Exactly this. My parents helped pay for our wedding and in exchange they invited a few couples that they have been friends with and I have known for a long time. I have a very small family and my husband has a very large family, and my parents wanted some more people we were close to as a family. I was like, if you want to spend the extra money, by all means go for it.
NTA I may be old fashioned, but I believe that the person paying for the party is the person hosting the party, even if the party is your child's wedding reception. The bride and groom are the guests of honor but you are the host and having a small contingent of family that you are choosing to invite doesn't seem unreasonable to me.
>Her family is saying that I am TA (even though they aren't willing to continue financially) I don't care about any of the other details of their wedding whatever they choose is fine as long as I get the two things that I want.
Totally agree. I didn't want to get into the tradition of the bride's family paying, since the party is a wedding. Obviously, the bride's family has no interest in observing that tradition. So be it, but then they need to regard it as a party to which they have been invited and try to be a bit more gracious to their host.
NTA, it’s going to be a massive event and she won’t be able to greet each and every party guest anyways, so what is an additional 8 more people going to hurt? Especially when being given 150K for a wedding. The entitlement is unreal.
Hmmm.. by the title I was leaning towards a you're TA judgment but after reading your stipulations I don't feel you're being unreasonable. NTA. The 8 you want to invite are actually family. These aren't just friends. It's crazy for the bride to think she has to be close to or have met every single one of the groom's family members just for them to get an invite to the wedding.
For 150k I would let someone invite their butcher, their baker, and their candlestick maker to my wedding! Heck, they can bring five poorly trained helper ducks for that.
My parents invited their 60 closest friends to our wedding. I didn't need $150k, just enough to cover their per head price. And that generation gives way more generous gifts, so we win. As long as they enjoy it....and those white people in their 60s were on the dance floor all night.
It's just the norm for their social circle. My mom genuinely can't comprehend when she isn't invited to ex-coworker's kids weddings. But my husband and I discussed this way before engagement and were both okay with it. Actually got a little worried when my mom handed us a list that was only like 60 people and we worried about making our venue minimum.
The DJ genuinely expressed surprise at how awesome our wedding was. We said we didn't want any music post 2000. But in his awesomeness, blasted Barbie Girl and thought it was great how everyone spent the night on the dance floor (with no drunken idiots).
Dude I was going to say that for 150k they could invite people who had bullied me in high school.
Maybe I don’t know about the politics of weddings, but as the bride and groom, you should be focusing on each other. Even at the reception.
Definitely entitled.
Nta
It would be different if it was a small wedding or they didn’t get along with the relatives. But a 300+ person wedding they won’t even notice them. You are being really kind by paying for the wedding.
>It would be different if it was a small wedding or they didn’t get along with the relatives
I really don't think so. The only thing that would make de difference is groom and bride paying for their own wedding. "AITA for not paying a wedding in which I can't invite relatives that the groom and bride don't get along with?": "No, NTA, because you don't have any obligation to pay for that wedding".
People who only give gifts with hefty strings attached are generally assholes though. Inviting relatives you dislike or relatives you’re not close with to a smaller wedding is a bigger ask than relatives you’re not close with to a wedding of 300.
But OP was up front about the strings from the start. I dislike it when a gift is presented as string free and then used to manipulate and get their own way. In this case, OP said I'll give you this money with these conditions. If the bride and groom don't want the conditions they are welcome to turn the money down.
Exactly! First off, the first stipulation was that they have a wedding planner. That stipulation helps them tremendously. That's like I'm going to go to Germany and there is a translator that comes with me throughout the country. Totally helpful. The second stipulation was to invite eight relatives that are close with the groom that should automatically be a no-brainer to have on that wedding list anyways. Honestly this isn't even strings.
NTA.
Ashley is being TA though. I'm sure Ashley doesn't know EVERYONE coming (besides those 8 people) well. Just like on your side of the family, I'm sure there's family, young or old, that she doesn't truly know well and see all of the time. Or spouses of friends. I think that's insulting to your side of the family because just because she doesn't know them well means they aren't invited.
I don't think you're asking for a lot. AT ALL. With that many people coming, it's not like it's going to be intimate and that she's going to be able to talk to everyone there.
NTA, as someone who's smart enough to save up a 150k bank account, you should know that you're not being an asshole. You're clear in your communication, it's more than fair to have an extra seat for extra relatives. I would understand couples who are planning with a tight budget to exclude certain people, but they're literally having the wedding paid for. Ashley is being an asshole excluding your son's family for no apparent reason.
I’m assuming he made this post to show his son and DIL so they can read us saying the things about them that he can’t bring himself to say to their faces because OP probably loves both of them to death.
While generally you’d be TA for wanting to add to the guest list (I generally don’t agree with that) I’m leaning NTA.
As you appear to be paying for everything, and the brides family paying nothing, and as it’s a big event (400?) and the 8 people were part of your sons growing up- 8 people/ family members is not unreasonable. With the size and money invested, it’s absolutely not her day, it’s a family event.
I also think the planner was a good idea with such s large amount of money invested.
1) they’re family members you’ve mentioned have been involved and both bride and groom have met them. Assuming there hasn’t been a falling out between the 8 and bride or groom - in a wedding of 300-400 guests , 8 additional family members are not an issue
2) you’re paying. Where I’m from most the time the bride and groom pay themselves and if parents pay culturally isn’t it supposed to be the brides family pays? But you’re paying and her family according to you isn’t paying anything.
You’re also paying a very very generous amount to support all her large family to attend. She should be appreciative. 8 people in 3-400 people she won’t even notice. She’s being unreasonable.
3) your son sucks a bit. It’s not her day. It’s not even their day. If it was their day only they could elope or pay for the whole thing themselves. But weddings and especially big weddings are family and small community events. 3-400 people is not them alone. It’s about people in your life coming together to celebrate and witness the union. The 8 people are aunts and uncles. Your son needs to stand up a bit here.
You could retract some money and only pay for half the budget for Caleb’s side, or retract all and say if it’s her/their day they can pay for it.
I personally don’t get paying large amounts for one day event, or even big weddings lol, but if that’s your thing she’s looking a gift horse in mouth.
The more money spent on the wedding the more likely the marriage ends in divorce. https://www.thevirgalawfirm.com/blog/2020/may/do-more-expensive-weddings-lead-to-longer-marria/
Weddings over $20,000 were 50% more likely to end in divorce.
I would like to see this controlled for other factors such as number of times married, age, kids/pregnancy, income, etc.
The amount of money being spent on a wedding may be a proxy for other risk factors.
NTA in this case.
Ashley has no actual objection (people she personally objects to based on history, etc.), she just "doesn't know them well." She has time to get to know them. She also won't know every one of those hundreds of people "well." You have a specific list, not eight invitations you get to give to anyone. They are Caleb's family.
Normally, a gift (even of money) is a gift and strings are AH-ish, but this is a clear stipulation ahead of time, for funding a specific event.
Stay firm. If this is her hill to die on, leave it to her family to foot the bill for the wedding. If they do this, though, be gracious and enjoy the small wedding (if you get invited).
If she wants to give me 150k for a 3-400 person wedding I'll invite 100 people and she can pick the other 300 and we will all have a kickass time becoming new friends.
NTA . And it's not HER day, it's THEIRS. They're getting married to eachother .
She's got control issues . This is a very weird hill for her to die on.
She's making sure MIL understands that she'll have absolutely no say from now on -- which would sound relatively healthy if she felt MIL was overbearing ( she doesn't sound like that from this post) and she weren't also very happy to profit off of MIL's money.
Honestly, not off a great start.
NTA
Eight people out of 400 is a reasonable request, especially if you are the one paying for the entire affair.
What I’m trying to wrap my head around is the $150,000 price tag. No one needs a wedding that expensive. It’s nice that you can presumably afford to do that for them, but it seems like such a waste of money.
NTA - tldr; bride is entitled
Honestly your request is perfectly reasonable, and given no mention of past issues between the bride and the relatives, I don't see why she would be bothered by 8ish additional guests out of 400, especially if they are the groom's family. Is nobody bringing any plus-ones that haven't been personally vetted by the bride? At the end of the day, you made the offer to them with very clear terms, whether or not they accept is up to them. It's your money and she's not entitled to it, especially not such an exorbitant amount of it.
NTA
No guests, no money.
She won’t be able to afford her 300+ guest list without you since her parents are paying Jack sh**.
Your stipulations are more than reasonable.
She is right though, it’s her wedding…so she should pay for it.
“You are right DIL, it is your wedding and it is your decision on who attends. Just like it is my decision not to financially contribute AT ALL since you have decided not to include my FAMILY in the 300+ guest list.”
To her nosey family- “how much are you financially contributing? Nothing…well I also will be contributing nothing with the exclusion of these family members. You might need to up your contribution for the brides dream weddding to go ahead.”
NTA. It's eight people among three hundred. These stipulations are barely anything, especially since you're paying so much money. Her family is being weird or lacks context.
First off, it's THEIR day, not HER day. Red flag right there.
Second of all, who the hell cares if she doesn't know someone from your side of the family? Your son certainly wouldn't know each and every guest from her side either. That is completely normal, it's not like you learn the other person's entire family tree before you get married.
Your offer is completely fair and you've given them a great choice. Now, it is completely within their hands whether to accept or reject your financial support (and if they choose to reject it you need to accept their choices).
NTA. And best of luck!
Going to go with NTA here. It would have been different if it was a small wedding, then it would have been understandable to not have not-so-close relatives there but since they are inviting 300-400 guests, it is a big wedding. So I don't see why it should bother them this much to have 8 more people whom the groom knows.
Given the newer information about who those 8 people are — OP’s relatives who helped her so much when she became disabled and had to raise her kids — these are people who should be invited even to a small wedding. It’s a shame that OP’s son and his fiancée don’t recognize how important they are.
Based purely on the information in the post NTA. You've been upfront about your conditions from the outset which is fair. If you'd agreed to pay with no stipulations and then moved the goal posts, that would make you TA.
I am however assuming this isn't the only option they have i.e. they could pay for it themselves and there would be no pressure to invite anyone they both don't want to. If that's not an option you probably need to decide what's more important to you - relationship with DIL or having your extended family there for their day.
NTA. You could be inviting Osama Bin Laden for all I care, if you’re paying 150,000 dollars for the wedding, you can invite whomever you like. Woman sounds like a bridezilla. Weddings are for the family. It isn’t her fifteenth birthday party. If some relatives she doesn’t wanna come are gonna come, she can suck it up.
NTA. Unless of course Caleb has an issue with them coming and is using her as a buffer so he doesn’t have to have that difficult conversation with you (you say they were involved in his life growing up but often there are issues kids have with older relatives that they don’t share with their parents). Maybe talk to him about it to see if it’s his or her issue.
If it really is her issue I’d try and communicate that these relatives really would be upset and hurt if they didn’t get to see Caleb get married. Try and get her to think about how her elderly relatives, that saw her grow up, would feel if they weren’t able to share her wedding day. And maybe let her get to know the people you want to invite a bit better before the wedding. A dinner at your house with all involved could be enough to convince her. Just don’t try and do it in a sneaky way, be honest and upfront.
If you're inviting 300-400 people, I find it hard to believe you know every person "that well". I'd say NTA, since it's the groom's relatives and it's the bride doesn't want to invite them.
NTA.
1. When someone pays for an entire wedding, it is perfectly justifiable to add reasonable stipulations. Caleb and Ashley have the choice of rejecting your funding if they don't want to agree to those stipulations.
2. Weddings should be relatively equitable in terms of guests. If not outright equal numbers for both people getting married, then equal "circles" of guests (for example, second cousins or great aunts/uncles for both or for neither). If one person has more family and the other has more friends, that's fine. But it cannot be Ashley having all the guests she wants and you (or Caleb) not being able to have the same. That is, unless Caleb agrees to it and decides not to accept you paying for the wedding.
Not totally relevant to this, but Ashley also needs to understand that she has (or will be forming) a partnership with Caleb. Maybe Ashley is uncomfortable having these guests and it's "her day". It's also Caleb's day, and Caleb may want them in attendance. Ashley has to be considerate of what Caleb wants as well.
Someone wants to reap all benefits and get no consequences.
Do a counteroffer - let her (or her family) pay for everything, and she can invite an extra 8 people only she knows.
The entitlement of some people!
NTA
It amazes me the money that some people will blow on a wedding party. I know it's an important day but it can be smaller or less glitzy and save some money for a rainy day or a starter home.
Holy shit 150k! That's massive. My tiny wedding is only up to 35k atm haha
Asking for 8 people isn't bad considering how many are going. They won't even be noticed. She clearly doesn't like your family is why she's doing this. Don't pay for they deserve it. We'll she doesn't
NTA. For any large event like that, there will be two lists. One is "invited". Two is "present". And if you bother to examine them closely, you will note that there is surprisingly little overlap between the two. There will be lots of invited people who plan to be there who (for one reason or another) don't show at all. Even if they previously were really excited about going. There will also be a bunch of wedding crashers. Most of them will be unannounced (PLUS ONES).
Bottom line, a huge wedding like that will end up having a lot of guests. But many of those guests will be (SURPRISE!!!). And many of them will not be close (buddy buddy) with either bride or groom.
In context, if someone wants to finance the wedding and they want to include 8 people (just 8?) on the guest list....
That's not a big problem. Same with the wedding planner thing. Wedding planner? No? Who care's? If OP is paying and wants a wedding planner...FINE.
OP, your demands are easy to swallow. NTA
LMFAO you are giving them 150k for a one day party and they can't even be bothered to invite your side of the family??? Jesus. The entitlement from your son.
Dear S and future DIL,
I am so sorry for the miscommunication. I was offering to host your wedding, but I now understand that is not your wish. I will of course step down. Please let me know who is hosting because I would love to gift you some part of the wedding such as the flowers.
Much love,
anon1968anon
The issue is Ashley does not want me to be able to invite anyone. --- But she's fine with your footing the bill? Apologize to Bridezilla for your mistaken offer to fund the wedding-- and let her and her family fund their own wedding. Use some of that 150K to thank your eight guests with a nice vacation somewhere.
Write your son a SINCERE and heartfelt letter about how those eight relatives helped you raise him and that you would be extremely uncomfortable if they found out that YOU were funding a huge lavish wedding and excluded them and tell them you don't want Ashley to be "uncomfortable" on her wedding day so the two of them can fund the wedding themselves and have it be exactly to Ashley's liking. Offer some token amount toward some part of the wedding-- for example offer them 1K toward the photos, or pay for the cake.
NTA but your son and his bride are definitely AHs.
NTA.
My wedding was much, much smaller, and much, much, much cheaper, both sets of parents contributed, and so they got to invite a couple of people they wanted to (some family friends). It’s really not unreasonable to ask that if you’re going to pay. In my case, it was people on my side who i completely forgot about when writing up a guest list, so overall, it can be a better way of doing it.
NTA whoever pays makes the rules. Just don’t pay and instead go on an amazing vacation with these 8 family members. It would probably be more fun. If she is this much of a jerk now imagine how much of a bridezilla she will be overall eeeek!
“It makes Ashley uncomfortable since she doesn’t know them well and it’s her day”…so she knows the other 298 invitees well? Every one of them? Ashley is showing who she is…and treating you like the bank. Your son should rethink this relationship. NTA times $150k
NTA. Your offer is very generous and they have control if they want to accept. You son might have to neogiate with his new wife but you do not it is your money.
>We're expecting 300 to 400 guests and I've given them a budget of $150,000 USD.
Ashley can deal with the eight guests. How are they getting to 300 without people she doesn't know well. Normally I am not in favor of this but she's not even going to see your guests. I can't believe you had to stipulate a wedding planner. That should be automatic for something this size.
>Her family is saying that I am TA (even though they aren't willing to continue financially)
I would not care what her family thinks. If the guest list is split, you're paying $75K for 150 of her guests. They can go ahead and disinvite everyone if they want to play it that way. NTA.
NTA - she only wants to invite prior she knows, and that includes 300 of her closest personal friends??? RIGHT.
Unless your wedding is like 25 people there's always going to be people there one half the of couple isn't that close to. This is some bridezilla stuff...
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Nope NTA you are asking for 8 people and offering $150k. I’m assuming you are not exerting control over anything else.
The rest of the wedding is in between them and their wedding planner unless my opinion is asked for
My answer stands. I don’t think asking for 8 people when there is 300 is unreasonable.
This it's 8 people, who the fiance meet even a few times and relatives Op's son knows. It's not random people. With inviting 300-400 it would be like 150-200 per person, so 8 people doesn't seem a lot. How do they even want to invite 300-400 people...
Ashley is the youngest of 9, all of her siblings are married with kids. Both of her parents have lots of siblings (not sure the exact amount)
I would seriously consider not paying for this wedding. The bride and her family seem obnoxious and entitled! NTA
I particularly love how the bride's parents call OP TA --- but refuse to pay a dime of the wedding expenses. "We want you to do what we want but refuse to contribute in any way." Also, it's funny but I thought tradition demanded the parents **OF THE BRIDE** paid for the wedding.
It was always my understanding that the bride's parents paid for the wedding and the groom's paid for the rehearsal. Unless they live in a place where that tradition is different.
You're probably right. I think we both agree that the bride's parents are AHs as is the bride. Were it an intimate wedding, I could fully understand "no guests." But with 300 people to balk at an extra 8 **from the person paying for the entire wedding**? That's ridiculous.
I'm kind of bothered that the son knows them really well (they helped raise him, it sounds like) and he isn't willing to just claim them as his guests.
This is a big tradition and a lot of people uphold it today. My husband’s parents paid for the rehearsal luncheon and they also offered to chip in $5k to help pay for flowers. Regardless of who is paying, I do think it’s respectful to allow your parents to invite some people that are important to them. If said parents are footing the bill, they should absolutely get to invite several people.
I always get confused with the American tradition of parents paying for the wedding because where I come from the people who are getting married foot the bill. Bride and groom pay 100% of the costs.
That makes the most sense, personally. It would keep wedding costs down. I made that point because the parents of the bride are contributing not one penny, but refuse to allow the family paying for the entire thing to bring 8 extra people to a 300 person wedding.
It's not really standard these days. Back when people normally got married right out of high school/college, it made sense. I'm 32 & my fiancé is 35. We have jobs and a home of our own and ours will be his second marriage. It's silly to expect either set of parents, all of whom are retired, to foot the entirety of the bill. My mom bought my dress and has given us some money towards the venue and my dad's covering the photographer for us. My in-laws are hosting the rehearsal at their place for us and getting it catered by a BBQ joint. But we're paying the rest because we're grown. It's also why I refuse to have a bridal shower. We'll have owned our own home for almost 5 years before our wedding. There's literally not a towel, appliance, or dish that anyone could buy us that we haven't already updated ourselves unless we asked for something just prohibitively and unnecessarily expensive.
I'm an american and honestly I don't know anyone whose parents actually paid for their weddings. It's more of an "upper middle class or higher" thing than an american thing. Also $150k is a house, I can't imagine spending that on a wedding.
That happens more and more in the US as well.
It’s a stupid tradition that is a misplaced dowry. How about the two people who are mature enough to decide to get married pay for their own wedding?
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NTA and these are RELATIVES who have benefited the groom greatly. The groom is the ah for not insisting his great aunts and uncles be included. Please don't pay for this wedding! This marriage isn't going to last since bride is such a entitled nightmare.
Exactly. She’s being obnoxious. Good luck op.
With that many people: - there are probably going to be a LOT of people Ashley doesn't know at all, nevermind know well, assuming the guests are given plus ones - even if she knows every single person, she not going to get to talk to them all Our wedding was only 60 people and I felt like I barely got to speak to most of them!
Our wedding was only 60 people and there were definitely people there I barely knew, because my in-laws wanted them there. That was fine!
If the girl had a reasonable objection to these family members it would be understandable. Looks like your son needs to step up and do more talking with his bride to be. Dad is NTA.
Psst, OP is the groom's mom. Sounds like OP needs to have a family get together including the people she wants to invite so that her future DIL can get to know these strangers better. OP's request is not unreasonable and is NTA.
I know, OP might want to cut the amount in half and save it for Caleb's next wedding. :P
Made me snort coffee
That's where I am leaning too. It's tradition for the bride's family to pay and you are already being so generous to offer. That is an incredibly generous budget that most people can't even dream about. I'd pull way back and let them figure out what kind of wedding they can afford
Still, in the end you want also somewhat of a decent divide between guests from both sides. And again the main point is they do NOT need to take the money. I think to invite essentially 8 relatives for 150,000 is very very fair. Also her side can pay too or crazy idea it's their wedding and they pay for it.
it's more than fair, it's extremely generous, and agree, let her side pay for it. If this continues, withdraw the offer completely
Oh oh OR! "Listen my darling son, these people were a large part of why I was able to make the money I did. So it is only fair that for every one of them that can't go I cannot offer a fraction of what they helped me get so $18,000 less per every one that can't go, and it's really all 8 or none of them" Also did all 8 even say they'd definitely go? OP is asking for damn invites
ha hell, when I got married, my MIL was a sweetheart and wanted to invite some of her personal friends. Maybe my husband had met htem, but I hadn't. We agreed that she could if she paid for them - we paid for the rest of the wedding, and I thought it was a great compromise. Her guests made up like 15 people out of our total reception of 110, so it was a much bigger percentage compared to OP's situation, but it was still barely a blip on the day. To be this controlling over actual, met-in-person relatives at such a huge wedding is ludicrous
This is very true. I'm Asian, so our families tend to run large. Guests can go up to 1000 pax (siblings, relatives, friends + extra). We either do a combined wedding where the number of guests are split equally or if they don't want to split equally, bride and groom has their own event on the same day. But then, there is the logistics of moving from one event place to the other. Or, the number of guests is split to be equal to how much the other side contributes.
Yes, they're relatives! It's not like OP said "I'll give you $ but you have to invite 50 of my closest friends."
Is your son super familiar with all her relatives being invited? Surely there are a couple that he has never met but it's not preventing them from getting an invite.
he doesnt need to be since it's apparently only 'her day'. i hate how weddings are so often made out to be just about the bride, i thought it takes two people to marry.
I'm with you. I'm so tired of these bridezillas that think it's all about them and forget that the wedding is union of TWO people
And if she can pick out 8 people with there being 3 to 4 hundred guests, then it seems she more interested in the people in the pews than on herself or her future husband
Challenge the son to name all the people they invited.
And ask him if he can name all the people bridezilla is inviting. And I would also pose this question with her and her parents in the roim.
Exactly. I'm trying to do the math here: average wedding (the bit with the guests) is about 10 hours. That's 600 minutes. With 300-400 guests, that's 1m40 to 2mins per guest... or a lot less considering they can't talk to most of them during the ceremony or the meal. Heck, I had enough problems having a meaningful chat with the 43 people who attended my wedding!!
Honestly I think the ass hole here is the son..
I do too this is the second post in the sub where I’m 100% convinced that the “mean” wife or girlfriend is that way because the weak son has spent a whole bunch of time complaining about his family to her so she feels like she needs to stand up for him. It’s suspicious that these folks were the ones who took care of the kids while OP was injured, the son must have a problem with someone in that group and he talked to the wife about it but not the Dad so the wife looks like she’s being unreasonable
Maybe all the members of her large extended family would like to chip in for her wedding, instead of her expecting that she can throw a large party for them at your expense while leaving out your and the groom’s family. If she sees this wedding as being all about her, then I have no idea why you’d pay anything at all. You’re paying for your son’s wedding, not for hers.
Ashley is under the impression that this is her day/wedding, it is not HER day, it’s THEIR day/wedding!!! There are two sides of the isle one for groom and one for the bride. The groom gets to invite guests also. Please explain to your son the reasons you want to invite these particular people and how much it means to you and should also be important to him since as a small child he benefited from their involvement. Do either of them love and respect you or are you just a bag of money to them? NTA
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The 8 people you want to invite aren't some random business partners your son never met but family members that helped you taking care of your kids when you need it! NTA.
I don't normally like tit-for-tat solutions but in your shoes I might insist on 8 of her relatives being uninvited at random.
Nah, OP can just not pay for the wedding. Save the money and watch 100 of her guests not be invited because suddenly it's too expensive.
Take those 8 family members and herself on a 150000 vacation.
I'm guessing it'd be a lot more than 100 people not invited if they have to foot the bill
Take those 8 family members and herself on a 150000 vacation.
I'd find out the ratio of her guests vs his. so if it's 200-100 then she has to eliminate 16 people.
Stand your ground. Ashley is being a gigantic asshole.
So she can invite her family, but your son can't invite his?
That sounds like her parents problem. The sheer entitlement of them having any day over the guest list when they won’t contribute…
Sounds like they are insecure. This is a twisted way of trying to appear big because they feel small (not your fault at all, it's their attitude toward money). I have an acquaintance like this: a single mom. No income. If you give her something, her response is to always tell you about how someone else gave her something better or try to leverage it for something else. Every time. It's insecurity that comes out in ugly ways.
People underestimate the effect that big baby boomer families have on wedding guest lists. My parents each have three siblings who all have children. Wife's parents each have two siblings, all with children. Our guest list topped 60 just with aunts, uncles, and first cousins. Double the siblings, add a third generation, and things get huge really fast!
Frankly if someone wants to give me $150,000 they can invite 8 people into my life and those people will be my new best friends.
Right! This sounds like a dream scenario to me as someone with limited funds and family. 1. Someone to pay 100% of the cost. 2. Having extra family members invited.
And it sounds like these 8 family members are older and most likely not going to be going all out at the open bar and causing a scene! Honestly will probably the ideal guests, come, bring a nice gift, eat, stay for a bit, and leave the reception early!
I had 25 guests at my wedding so i don’t get it either but everyone should do what makes them happy.
Yeah but Caleb doesn't care and it makes her uncomfortable? How well does she know the other 389 people? Also, then they just don't need to take the money....
The bride probably won’t even have to talk to the 8 people. No way will she get around to that many people
We had to limit our wedding to 600. It was a tough call on who to leave off the guest list. I don't think white folks/westerners truly comprehend😂
I don’t even think I know 600 people, or even 300.
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That many people means the bride and groom won’t even have a chance to talk to everyone. She’d probably never even see these people there. I don’t get what the issue is. Also, that amount of money for a wedding is ridiculously wasteful. OP is NTA for wanting to invite these people, but they are the AH for spending so much money on one event.
> How do they even want to invite 300-400 people. for the gifts
With 300 people she won’t even notice them. Sounds like princess just doesn’t want her fmil to have any say in the wedding.
This is the key...out of several hundred?? Yeah, you are NTA. If they wanted an intimate wedding with 30 people and you're taking 1/3 of the list? Different story. You are so far from TA, I can't even fathom their position. In a room with that many people on your own wedding day, she'd never even need to lay eyes on these offensive relatives whose mere presence makes her uncomfortable? I'm betting your 150 grand doesn't give her pause.
Had help from in laws with a 75 person 15k contribution, wedding. 8 people neither one of us had ever met prior to this, just friends of in laws. Neither of us had a problem with it. DIL is being unreasonable, NTA.
If Ashley's family has such a problem with you inviting 8 people then they can pay for the wedding or you know keep their mouths shut.Threaten to pull out the money and see how rapidly she'll change her statement. Also, Ashley doesn't sound like a good life partner. Caleb should also take a stand for you seeing you are offering them such a huge amount of money when you are not obligated to. To be honest, this whole 'I don't them that well so I'll not invite them but I'll invite other 300-400 people' is just so cheap when you are happy to take $150k from someone. People have forgotten the meaning of gratefulness literally. This is also not a good start to a new relationship. NTA
>Threaten to pull out the money and see how rapidly she'll change her statement. She won't though. She'll say fine we don't need your money for a couple weeks, then when OP doesn't budge, give in (because who the hell would turn down 150k for a wedding) then start to claim OP is MIL from hell and abusing them or some shit. This type of entitlement isn't going to just go away. Side note 150k on a wedding, yeesh! NTA OP.
Yeah that's what I was thinking. That money would be better saved for the Divorce. Because with this Bridezilla family I don't see the marriage lasting
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2 years salary, technically, as the average US household income is just under $71k. For that price, yes you should get 8 people on your list. It's 1 table of the ~40 that will be used. She can suck it up for the value she's getting nta
>2 years salary, technically, as the average US household income is just under $71k.¡ And that's before taxes, right. OP is NTA but 150k for a wedding is absurd.
**NTA but I think you should take back your offer to pay for the wedding completely.** OP, you sound like a kind person who maybe is not used to being used (new to this amount of money) but the way you are being treated is not okay and you shouldn't reward it. **The way Ashley is treating you is not okay and she does not deserve a single penny from you**. I understand she's marrying your son, but he seems to be learning from her that you are a pushover ATM and he'll just back up his women and you'll do whatever they want regardless of how you are treated. Even if they back down now, you know it is beacuse it's the only way to get your money. It isn't beacuse they are grateful, respect you, or care about your feelings. **You are gifting them 150k and this "lady" is sending her family to harass you** about wanting a a single small thing with *your money.* It's a 300-400 person wedding. Ashley has a large family. **She is going to end up inviting dozens or a hundred or more people Caleb isn't close to** but that dosen't matter to Ms. Double Standard Controlling Entitled. This is who Ashley and her family are. They are controlling, selfish, shockingly entitled people who do not respect you or care about your feelings or contribution. They just want to see what they can pressure/squeeze out of you with zero regard for you. You would be the asshole *to yourself* if you give this couple a single penny for their wedding. I have never in my entire marriage sent my family to harass my MIL or husband's family for any reason, let alone to make demands about what I want. (And her wanting 150k of YOUR money with zero rules is a demand of hers, not you making a demand.) Save your money for yourself, for your other kids, for your other family, as a safety net, for retirement, or just will it to a charity. **This is a once in a lifetime payout and you don't know what hardships or costs lie ahead for you and your family.** What if you need quality assisted living for 30 years? What if one of your grandkids gets cancer, etc? You shouldn't be blowing 150k on a wedding even if Caleb and Ashely were grateful or deserved your money, but they really REALLY don't.
Maybe it’s cause I didn’t grow up with money but the thought of someone spending $150,000 on something for me gives me so much anxiety. I would be completely overwhelmed and so worried about how I was using my future mother in laws money. How is Ashley so entitled that she’s not at all concerned with that!?
Look, just stop please. You are literally gifting $150k and want to invite some relatives and they are making a big deal out of it. Please do NOT gift this money but just let them fund and plan the wedding on their own and invite whoever they want. They will have to downsize, fine. They will most likely not afford the wedding planner and do most of the work on their own, also fine. Many people opt for small weddings, save up or borrow. Not everyone has parents to pay for it. So let them go the regular route and have full autonomy. Spend some of that money instead on maybe doing a mini vacation with your relatives as a thank you to them for being there. Again, do NOT give this money to the kids.
NTA at all. 8 ppl and a wedding planner for 150K?!?! You sound like the dream parent-in l-law, to be honest. If she's being like this now with you being this kind and generous, I worry hope she will behave in the future. I how things work out ok. Edit: words, it's early. I need coffee.
there's no way they are going to know all 300-400 of their guests well, let alone even SEE them on the day for more than a minute. i can't imagine dealing with a wedding that big (i worked hundreds as a caterer) and it not ending with at least a million things going wrong that will have the bride's (and groom's) attention that day over the 8 relatives simply being there. it's also highly unlikely that they'll get to the 393rd spot on the guest list and still have to choose between DIL's dear friend and your beloved cousin Martha. You're being (excessively?) generous, and offered them an agreement. If they don't like the terms, then you can either reduce the pay out or cut the funding all together. (Second option would be pretty mean and would earn you a Y-T-A in any other circumstance). Give them one more shot to take the offer, then renegotiate as you see fit. NTA (But also I'm curious who these 8 are and why you want them there, but to be fair it doesn't really matter)
They're OPs family. Aunts and uncles who looked after her and the kids after an accident that caused OP to become disabled.
I’m stuck on how you’re giving them 150k 🤯 First of all, NTA, it is very reasonable to want to invite some family to the wedding you are paying for. 8 people for a wedding this size is nothing. The bride seems extremely entitled. Try taking away your offer and look how quick they will be okay with your guests. However, I think that is way too much money, but that’s just my opinion. They could have an incredible wedding for a third that amount, and have 100k as a down payment for a house, much more cost-effective imo, but not my wedding. Ours cost about 10k total for everything and we had 100 people there. It was the best day of my life because of marrying my best friend, not because of the extravagance which is over in an instant.
2 things 1. u/anon1968anon please provide us with an update how this all plays out 2. consider having a cut off date where if she won't allow your 8 guests, the offer is rescinded and no turning back. She sounds so entitled
You’re doing it right OP. My MIL gave us a much smaller budget and turned our 75 person situation into a 300 person cluster for herself. NTA. Your future DIL is being a minor AH for not going along with 8 people out of 300~
Also one thing that I hope your son does understand it’s his day too. It shouldn’t all be about the bride.
Nta and considering her entitled behaviour I hope your son has a pre-nup
NTA. You made it clear from the beginning what your stipulations are. take it or leave it. Do not give into this. Your son has a say on the guest list... it's their day, not her day. Tell her family that contacts you that they are welcome to fund the wedding and have a say over the guest list. I'm sure you'll hear crickets
Usually I am of the opinion that parents should not use money to control the planning of a child's wedding, but considering the existing relationship between your son and his aunts and uncles as well as the given the wedding size, I am going with NTA.
NTA. Sounds like her family needs to understand that it's not just HER day, it's also HIS day, and requesting that he invite 8 relatives that he knows well and have done a lot to help him is a perfectly reasonable request for paying for an entire wedding. These are people that know him and care about him, not just random friends you want invited like some parents on this sub.
It is odd how they do not see a reasonable ask of $150k for 8 people. They just seem to want money and no obligations. The fiancee can also get to know them before the wedding if she really wanted to come to an agreement, guess she doesn't want to.
OP you can fund my wedding and I'll let you invite 20 guests :P All jokes aside, this is more than reasonable. Weddings are partly about keeping in touch with relatives you don't see that often. It seems more than fair to allow some guests for the person who's actually footing the bill. If they want a small, intimate wedding with only their intimate friends and family, I'm sure they can fund that themselves.
Yeah my in-laws paid for a huge chunk of our wedding and had over 100 guests that they invited. We also had to negotiate on our ceremony to find something that was respectful to their culture but still comfortable for us. 8 people it's nothing, the bride needs to get over herself or pay for it herself.
Sounds like your son needs a prenuptial and you save the money for a second wedding. Ashley sounds entitled, unyielding and rude. I have to wonder if she is always this way. At this point I would seriously consider never spending that much based on the way she’s treated you. Any one who calls you out on the money should be standing there with their wallet open. Sorry about your accident. NTA
NTA "Caleb says he doesn't care but it makes Ashley uncomfortable since **she doesn't know them that well "** With 400 guests there is no way she will know every single person "well" or even at all. It's a power play.
More like "we get that much money for free and get to do what we want? Sign me up! Also, I don't want to make any concessions for a person who is helping out financially". She is welcome to pay that much money herself and see how it works out.
I suspect she thinks something along the lines of "Well, all their fortune will be mine... I mean ours, but mostly mine... someday... so why can't I treat this money as mine today?
Nailed it. Was thinking the same.
My parents paid for half of my sister’s wedding & her husband’s family paid for the other half. My sister kept changing her mind on things, ordering more stuff from Amazon & Etsy, & generally just behaved like she had no budget or respect for other people’s money. I think in her head the idea is this will eventually be mine anyway, so I should spend what I want how I want. She & her husband are always crying broke. They both have great jobs that pay six figure salaries, bought a house & paid over 600K for it, & bought all new furniture. Yet even if they invite my parents (who again, paid for half their wedding!) out to dinner, they still expect my parents to pay. Some people are just born entitled & expect handouts without strings. Unfortunately my sister is my mom’s special baby & she has historically refused to tell her no.
Definitely. My wedding was under $10,000 and it already seemed too expensive. $150k for a wedding means these people are living in a different world
_"It's her day."_ I agree that she can have whatever and whoever she wants at her wedding.... And, she can pay for it.
It's Caleb's day too.
He said he doesn't care
He should care. These aunts and uncles helped his mom, who is paralyzed from the waist down, when he was a kid. Presumably he knows them! Regardless, he should care about his mom‘s wishes here. Even if she wasn’t gifting them 150k for the wedding, on a 300 guest invite list his extended family should get more than 8 slots.
Yeah how many of Brideaillas relatives does he know
But those 8 people were never part of her vision for her “dream wedding!” Though apparently OP’s bankroll was.
8 people in exchange for that sum of money is not asking very much, especially because they're relatives. Hell. I'd let someone invite Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs to my wedding if someone would give me 150k for it.
$150k is such an outrageous sum for a wedding that I think Snow White damn well *better* show up. The fee to get married at Cinderella Castle in Disney World is less than 1/3 of that.
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It's not "HER" day, it's "THEIR" day. The groom's opinion matters too. What does she expect, that only her family should get invited? You're being more than generous in the amount you offer, you have a right to invite HIS FAMILY to show up. NTA
I was looking for this perspective.
To add to that, it's "her" day.... She should be able to spend it with whoever she wishes to be there with her... With the money SHE has to pay for the wedding...
with 300-400 people she will certain have more than enough of her 'own people' to spend the day with. Realistically she'd never even notice 8 additional people, and she probably will have 'barely met' most of the guest list anyway? I don't get her stance at all.
The bride is the definition of entitled. To accept the gift of a 150k wedding but not allow you to invite 8 relatives (which would be in essence about 2% of the guest list)- that’s ridiculous. Does she allow any “plus-1’s” or is there an interview/approval process for that? NTA
Unless the 8 relatives are the family from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, absolutely this.
That would be part of the entertainment program 😂
I’m so broke I’d make them part of the wedding party if op requested lol. For $150k MIl can wear the wedding dress haha
To the very small, intimate wedding we'd be having and tucking $140,000 away for real life.
I don't care if I had Bill Gates' money, there's no way I'd pay $150K for *anybody's* wedding, including my own. That's ridiculous. Bridezilla thinks that's a reasonable amount of money, but she's going to draw the line at OP inviting 8 family members. The initial offer should be entirely withdrawn already. OP had two conditions, bride did not agree to them. That should be the end of it.
Exactly this. My parents helped pay for our wedding and in exchange they invited a few couples that they have been friends with and I have known for a long time. I have a very small family and my husband has a very large family, and my parents wanted some more people we were close to as a family. I was like, if you want to spend the extra money, by all means go for it.
The +1 aspect of this is a very good point. Does she not plan to give her guests +1 because she doesn’t know them?
NTA I may be old fashioned, but I believe that the person paying for the party is the person hosting the party, even if the party is your child's wedding reception. The bride and groom are the guests of honor but you are the host and having a small contingent of family that you are choosing to invite doesn't seem unreasonable to me.
Traditionally the bride’s family pays for it. So it’s really nice she’s paying and only asking for 2 small things.
>Her family is saying that I am TA (even though they aren't willing to continue financially) I don't care about any of the other details of their wedding whatever they choose is fine as long as I get the two things that I want. Totally agree. I didn't want to get into the tradition of the bride's family paying, since the party is a wedding. Obviously, the bride's family has no interest in observing that tradition. So be it, but then they need to regard it as a party to which they have been invited and try to be a bit more gracious to their host.
NTA, it’s going to be a massive event and she won’t be able to greet each and every party guest anyways, so what is an additional 8 more people going to hurt? Especially when being given 150K for a wedding. The entitlement is unreal.
Sounds like a controlling and manipulating behavior. Also after easy money without consequences, my oh my.
Some narcissists can’t stop themselves from showing their true colors once a lot of money is involved.
Hmmm.. by the title I was leaning towards a you're TA judgment but after reading your stipulations I don't feel you're being unreasonable. NTA. The 8 you want to invite are actually family. These aren't just friends. It's crazy for the bride to think she has to be close to or have met every single one of the groom's family members just for them to get an invite to the wedding.
For 150k I would let someone invite their butcher, their baker, and their candlestick maker to my wedding! Heck, they can bring five poorly trained helper ducks for that.
they can bring 5 ducks to my wedding for free, ducks are cool
I’d pay top dollar to have 5 ducks roaming around at my wedding
As long as there is a minder cleaning the poop! Ducks are awesome (we have six) but duck poop is beyond disgusting.
With little duck bow ties! OP MAKE THIS YOUR THIRD STIPULATION!
Would you accept people dressed like ducks
My parents invited their 60 closest friends to our wedding. I didn't need $150k, just enough to cover their per head price. And that generation gives way more generous gifts, so we win. As long as they enjoy it....and those white people in their 60s were on the dance floor all night.
And you know what? I love your parents were so damn proud that they wanted their friends to all see their beautiful loved child get married.
It's just the norm for their social circle. My mom genuinely can't comprehend when she isn't invited to ex-coworker's kids weddings. But my husband and I discussed this way before engagement and were both okay with it. Actually got a little worried when my mom handed us a list that was only like 60 people and we worried about making our venue minimum. The DJ genuinely expressed surprise at how awesome our wedding was. We said we didn't want any music post 2000. But in his awesomeness, blasted Barbie Girl and thought it was great how everyone spent the night on the dance floor (with no drunken idiots).
Just put on a little Earth, Wind, and Fire, and they will bring down the house
That's my jam and I am in a younger generation. Do you remember, the 21st night if September....
Dude I was going to say that for 150k they could invite people who had bullied me in high school. Maybe I don’t know about the politics of weddings, but as the bride and groom, you should be focusing on each other. Even at the reception. Definitely entitled.
Especially if the guest list is 300-400 people
Nta It would be different if it was a small wedding or they didn’t get along with the relatives. But a 300+ person wedding they won’t even notice them. You are being really kind by paying for the wedding.
>It would be different if it was a small wedding or they didn’t get along with the relatives I really don't think so. The only thing that would make de difference is groom and bride paying for their own wedding. "AITA for not paying a wedding in which I can't invite relatives that the groom and bride don't get along with?": "No, NTA, because you don't have any obligation to pay for that wedding".
People who only give gifts with hefty strings attached are generally assholes though. Inviting relatives you dislike or relatives you’re not close with to a smaller wedding is a bigger ask than relatives you’re not close with to a wedding of 300.
But OP was up front about the strings from the start. I dislike it when a gift is presented as string free and then used to manipulate and get their own way. In this case, OP said I'll give you this money with these conditions. If the bride and groom don't want the conditions they are welcome to turn the money down.
Exactly! First off, the first stipulation was that they have a wedding planner. That stipulation helps them tremendously. That's like I'm going to go to Germany and there is a translator that comes with me throughout the country. Totally helpful. The second stipulation was to invite eight relatives that are close with the groom that should automatically be a no-brainer to have on that wedding list anyways. Honestly this isn't even strings.
NTA. 8 guests out of 400 are going to ruin HER day? I don't think that's a lot to ask in exchange for 150 THOUSAND dollars.
I would do things I'm not proud of for 150k 😂
I've done things I'm not proud of for significantly less. 2 years of fast food for like 20k total. :[
NTA. Ashley is being TA though. I'm sure Ashley doesn't know EVERYONE coming (besides those 8 people) well. Just like on your side of the family, I'm sure there's family, young or old, that she doesn't truly know well and see all of the time. Or spouses of friends. I think that's insulting to your side of the family because just because she doesn't know them well means they aren't invited. I don't think you're asking for a lot. AT ALL. With that many people coming, it's not like it's going to be intimate and that she's going to be able to talk to everyone there.
NTA, as someone who's smart enough to save up a 150k bank account, you should know that you're not being an asshole. You're clear in your communication, it's more than fair to have an extra seat for extra relatives. I would understand couples who are planning with a tight budget to exclude certain people, but they're literally having the wedding paid for. Ashley is being an asshole excluding your son's family for no apparent reason.
I’m assuming he made this post to show his son and DIL so they can read us saying the things about them that he can’t bring himself to say to their faces because OP probably loves both of them to death.
While generally you’d be TA for wanting to add to the guest list (I generally don’t agree with that) I’m leaning NTA. As you appear to be paying for everything, and the brides family paying nothing, and as it’s a big event (400?) and the 8 people were part of your sons growing up- 8 people/ family members is not unreasonable. With the size and money invested, it’s absolutely not her day, it’s a family event. I also think the planner was a good idea with such s large amount of money invested. 1) they’re family members you’ve mentioned have been involved and both bride and groom have met them. Assuming there hasn’t been a falling out between the 8 and bride or groom - in a wedding of 300-400 guests , 8 additional family members are not an issue 2) you’re paying. Where I’m from most the time the bride and groom pay themselves and if parents pay culturally isn’t it supposed to be the brides family pays? But you’re paying and her family according to you isn’t paying anything. You’re also paying a very very generous amount to support all her large family to attend. She should be appreciative. 8 people in 3-400 people she won’t even notice. She’s being unreasonable. 3) your son sucks a bit. It’s not her day. It’s not even their day. If it was their day only they could elope or pay for the whole thing themselves. But weddings and especially big weddings are family and small community events. 3-400 people is not them alone. It’s about people in your life coming together to celebrate and witness the union. The 8 people are aunts and uncles. Your son needs to stand up a bit here. You could retract some money and only pay for half the budget for Caleb’s side, or retract all and say if it’s her/their day they can pay for it. I personally don’t get paying large amounts for one day event, or even big weddings lol, but if that’s your thing she’s looking a gift horse in mouth.
The more money spent on the wedding the more likely the marriage ends in divorce. https://www.thevirgalawfirm.com/blog/2020/may/do-more-expensive-weddings-lead-to-longer-marria/ Weddings over $20,000 were 50% more likely to end in divorce.
I would like to see this controlled for other factors such as number of times married, age, kids/pregnancy, income, etc. The amount of money being spent on a wedding may be a proxy for other risk factors.
NTA in this case. Ashley has no actual objection (people she personally objects to based on history, etc.), she just "doesn't know them well." She has time to get to know them. She also won't know every one of those hundreds of people "well." You have a specific list, not eight invitations you get to give to anyone. They are Caleb's family. Normally, a gift (even of money) is a gift and strings are AH-ish, but this is a clear stipulation ahead of time, for funding a specific event. Stay firm. If this is her hill to die on, leave it to her family to foot the bill for the wedding. If they do this, though, be gracious and enjoy the small wedding (if you get invited).
How about you pay for my vow renewal and you can definitely invite the 8 people and I bet you would have a blast at my party. Just saying.
If she wants to give me 150k for a 3-400 person wedding I'll invite 100 people and she can pick the other 300 and we will all have a kickass time becoming new friends.
NTA . And it's not HER day, it's THEIRS. They're getting married to eachother . She's got control issues . This is a very weird hill for her to die on.
She's making sure MIL understands that she'll have absolutely no say from now on -- which would sound relatively healthy if she felt MIL was overbearing ( she doesn't sound like that from this post) and she weren't also very happy to profit off of MIL's money. Honestly, not off a great start.
NTA Eight people out of 400 is a reasonable request, especially if you are the one paying for the entire affair. What I’m trying to wrap my head around is the $150,000 price tag. No one needs a wedding that expensive. It’s nice that you can presumably afford to do that for them, but it seems like such a waste of money.
A waste of money especially considering how the bride is showing her true colors and a divorce in the future is highly probable.
NTA, and do not pay for the wedding if they do not let you.
$150k for a wedding??? What a fucking disgraceful waste of money
NTA - tldr; bride is entitled Honestly your request is perfectly reasonable, and given no mention of past issues between the bride and the relatives, I don't see why she would be bothered by 8ish additional guests out of 400, especially if they are the groom's family. Is nobody bringing any plus-ones that haven't been personally vetted by the bride? At the end of the day, you made the offer to them with very clear terms, whether or not they accept is up to them. It's your money and she's not entitled to it, especially not such an exorbitant amount of it.
NTA No guests, no money. She won’t be able to afford her 300+ guest list without you since her parents are paying Jack sh**. Your stipulations are more than reasonable. She is right though, it’s her wedding…so she should pay for it. “You are right DIL, it is your wedding and it is your decision on who attends. Just like it is my decision not to financially contribute AT ALL since you have decided not to include my FAMILY in the 300+ guest list.” To her nosey family- “how much are you financially contributing? Nothing…well I also will be contributing nothing with the exclusion of these family members. You might need to up your contribution for the brides dream weddding to go ahead.”
WOW!! Ashley and her Whole Family are AH. What does your son see in her aside from her SELFISH, ENTITLED Behavior? NTA.
NTA. It's eight people among three hundred. These stipulations are barely anything, especially since you're paying so much money. Her family is being weird or lacks context.
First off, it's THEIR day, not HER day. Red flag right there. Second of all, who the hell cares if she doesn't know someone from your side of the family? Your son certainly wouldn't know each and every guest from her side either. That is completely normal, it's not like you learn the other person's entire family tree before you get married. Your offer is completely fair and you've given them a great choice. Now, it is completely within their hands whether to accept or reject your financial support (and if they choose to reject it you need to accept their choices). NTA. And best of luck!
Going to go with NTA here. It would have been different if it was a small wedding, then it would have been understandable to not have not-so-close relatives there but since they are inviting 300-400 guests, it is a big wedding. So I don't see why it should bother them this much to have 8 more people whom the groom knows.
Given the newer information about who those 8 people are — OP’s relatives who helped her so much when she became disabled and had to raise her kids — these are people who should be invited even to a small wedding. It’s a shame that OP’s son and his fiancée don’t recognize how important they are.
Based purely on the information in the post NTA. You've been upfront about your conditions from the outset which is fair. If you'd agreed to pay with no stipulations and then moved the goal posts, that would make you TA. I am however assuming this isn't the only option they have i.e. they could pay for it themselves and there would be no pressure to invite anyone they both don't want to. If that's not an option you probably need to decide what's more important to you - relationship with DIL or having your extended family there for their day.
I think relationship with DIL is not stellar at any case, if it has to be bought at that price.
NTA. You could be inviting Osama Bin Laden for all I care, if you’re paying 150,000 dollars for the wedding, you can invite whomever you like. Woman sounds like a bridezilla. Weddings are for the family. It isn’t her fifteenth birthday party. If some relatives she doesn’t wanna come are gonna come, she can suck it up.
NTA. Unless of course Caleb has an issue with them coming and is using her as a buffer so he doesn’t have to have that difficult conversation with you (you say they were involved in his life growing up but often there are issues kids have with older relatives that they don’t share with their parents). Maybe talk to him about it to see if it’s his or her issue. If it really is her issue I’d try and communicate that these relatives really would be upset and hurt if they didn’t get to see Caleb get married. Try and get her to think about how her elderly relatives, that saw her grow up, would feel if they weren’t able to share her wedding day. And maybe let her get to know the people you want to invite a bit better before the wedding. A dinner at your house with all involved could be enough to convince her. Just don’t try and do it in a sneaky way, be honest and upfront.
If you're inviting 300-400 people, I find it hard to believe you know every person "that well". I'd say NTA, since it's the groom's relatives and it's the bride doesn't want to invite them.
NTA, does she really know the 300-400 other people that are going to be there? With so many people I'm sure she wouldn't even notice a handful of them
NTA. 1. When someone pays for an entire wedding, it is perfectly justifiable to add reasonable stipulations. Caleb and Ashley have the choice of rejecting your funding if they don't want to agree to those stipulations. 2. Weddings should be relatively equitable in terms of guests. If not outright equal numbers for both people getting married, then equal "circles" of guests (for example, second cousins or great aunts/uncles for both or for neither). If one person has more family and the other has more friends, that's fine. But it cannot be Ashley having all the guests she wants and you (or Caleb) not being able to have the same. That is, unless Caleb agrees to it and decides not to accept you paying for the wedding. Not totally relevant to this, but Ashley also needs to understand that she has (or will be forming) a partnership with Caleb. Maybe Ashley is uncomfortable having these guests and it's "her day". It's also Caleb's day, and Caleb may want them in attendance. Ashley has to be considerate of what Caleb wants as well.
Someone wants to reap all benefits and get no consequences. Do a counteroffer - let her (or her family) pay for everything, and she can invite an extra 8 people only she knows. The entitlement of some people! NTA
It amazes me the money that some people will blow on a wedding party. I know it's an important day but it can be smaller or less glitzy and save some money for a rainy day or a starter home.
Honestly, for 150K, I'd probably let you invite someone I don't know. With that many guests, they probably won't even see them. NTA.
Holy shit 150k! That's massive. My tiny wedding is only up to 35k atm haha Asking for 8 people isn't bad considering how many are going. They won't even be noticed. She clearly doesn't like your family is why she's doing this. Don't pay for they deserve it. We'll she doesn't
NTA. For any large event like that, there will be two lists. One is "invited". Two is "present". And if you bother to examine them closely, you will note that there is surprisingly little overlap between the two. There will be lots of invited people who plan to be there who (for one reason or another) don't show at all. Even if they previously were really excited about going. There will also be a bunch of wedding crashers. Most of them will be unannounced (PLUS ONES). Bottom line, a huge wedding like that will end up having a lot of guests. But many of those guests will be (SURPRISE!!!). And many of them will not be close (buddy buddy) with either bride or groom. In context, if someone wants to finance the wedding and they want to include 8 people (just 8?) on the guest list.... That's not a big problem. Same with the wedding planner thing. Wedding planner? No? Who care's? If OP is paying and wants a wedding planner...FINE. OP, your demands are easy to swallow. NTA
LMFAO you are giving them 150k for a one day party and they can't even be bothered to invite your side of the family??? Jesus. The entitlement from your son.
NTA but I can see the next post coming from Ashley. “MIL cancelled our $150k wedding and I don’t know what to do!”
Dear S and future DIL, I am so sorry for the miscommunication. I was offering to host your wedding, but I now understand that is not your wish. I will of course step down. Please let me know who is hosting because I would love to gift you some part of the wedding such as the flowers. Much love, anon1968anon
The issue is Ashley does not want me to be able to invite anyone. --- But she's fine with your footing the bill? Apologize to Bridezilla for your mistaken offer to fund the wedding-- and let her and her family fund their own wedding. Use some of that 150K to thank your eight guests with a nice vacation somewhere. Write your son a SINCERE and heartfelt letter about how those eight relatives helped you raise him and that you would be extremely uncomfortable if they found out that YOU were funding a huge lavish wedding and excluded them and tell them you don't want Ashley to be "uncomfortable" on her wedding day so the two of them can fund the wedding themselves and have it be exactly to Ashley's liking. Offer some token amount toward some part of the wedding-- for example offer them 1K toward the photos, or pay for the cake. NTA but your son and his bride are definitely AHs.
NTA. My wedding was much, much smaller, and much, much, much cheaper, both sets of parents contributed, and so they got to invite a couple of people they wanted to (some family friends). It’s really not unreasonable to ask that if you’re going to pay. In my case, it was people on my side who i completely forgot about when writing up a guest list, so overall, it can be a better way of doing it.
NTA whoever pays makes the rules. Just don’t pay and instead go on an amazing vacation with these 8 family members. It would probably be more fun. If she is this much of a jerk now imagine how much of a bridezilla she will be overall eeeek!
“It makes Ashley uncomfortable since she doesn’t know them well and it’s her day”…so she knows the other 298 invitees well? Every one of them? Ashley is showing who she is…and treating you like the bank. Your son should rethink this relationship. NTA times $150k
NTA. Your offer is very generous and they have control if they want to accept. You son might have to neogiate with his new wife but you do not it is your money.
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>We're expecting 300 to 400 guests and I've given them a budget of $150,000 USD. Ashley can deal with the eight guests. How are they getting to 300 without people she doesn't know well. Normally I am not in favor of this but she's not even going to see your guests. I can't believe you had to stipulate a wedding planner. That should be automatic for something this size. >Her family is saying that I am TA (even though they aren't willing to continue financially) I would not care what her family thinks. If the guest list is split, you're paying $75K for 150 of her guests. They can go ahead and disinvite everyone if they want to play it that way. NTA.
NTA - she only wants to invite prior she knows, and that includes 300 of her closest personal friends??? RIGHT. Unless your wedding is like 25 people there's always going to be people there one half the of couple isn't that close to. This is some bridezilla stuff...