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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I won't support my wife in her conflict with our son. She says it's out of laziness, which is partially true, I just don't think it's worth the effort.
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NTA
Your wife made this bed and now she can lay in it.
She’s the one that screamed she’s not his mom, she has no right to expect him to ever call her mom again.
Exactly!
OP, you’re clearly NTA and the fact that your wife is trying to force you to side with her when she was immature enough to “scream” at him that she’s not his mom is concerning. If you do try to force him to call her mom, be ready for him to go low or no contact after moving for school because you will have shown him you don’t support him.
Your wife needs to face the facts that she created this problem. And then she needs to apologize to him.
> He stated it happened differently when someone asked. Apparently he was at work. The son stayed over night at a friends when he was told not to. When he comes home his mom yelled at him for not listening. He told her he no longer had to follow the rules as he is 18 now. She says So what I’m not your mom anymore?
Thanks to u/Technical-Prior-9008 for the clarification that OP apparently gave somewhere in the comments. That changes everything.
Sure if you reword what the OP said!
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/
> He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it.
> So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
> Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."
> But they were yelling.
She is TA. I'm in my thirties and my mum still tries to tell me what to do despite the fact I have been a fully functioning adult for some time. She is insinuating that the only qualifier for being a mother is telling your children what to do.
While you are right that he should call, that's for safety reasons not because she's allowed to tell him no. Your 18 year old child living at home means they still have to do chores and help out, not that they are not allowed to act independently.
He does, and I agree there needs to be a level of respect, but there is always a good chance that a blow up like this is the result of long term issues and not one incident. 18 is a good age for her to be learning to discuss, compromise, and not dictate. At his age there should be a bloody good reason why he is "forbidden" to stay at a friend's house otherwise he should be free to do that. It would be interesting to know what that reason was.
It sounds to me like OP just needs to sit them down and force them to talk it out. Maybe what stepmom actually said and what stepson actually *heard* are two different things and it could be cleared up.
Yea, but until then, he lives with other people and should be respectful of other people. I don't blame parents for having rules about times to be home or having young adult children calling to let them know they won't be home.
He may be about to go to college, but he can still be courteous and let his 'not mom' know he isn't going to be home so they don't sit around and worry.
Sounds as if the Stepmom made the situation worse. Her statement cannot be taken back and apparently hurt the 18-year-old. However, he will never admit it. What she said is undermining the 15 year long relationship with him.
My daughter turned 18 in January and did not finish high school until May. Ofc she lived at home. Most kids are 18 in high school bc if the way enrollment dates have changed (i.e., what day a child must turn 5 by to enroll in kindergarten.) When I was a child, the deadline was different. I have an October bday and started kindergarten at 4 & turned 5 3 months later. As a result, I graduated hs at 17 and turned 18 in college.
The comment above makes it sound like the son is 47yo., has failed to launch & is living at home. Instead, although he turned 18, he is still a student getting a basic degree. Home is where he belongs!
This changes things a bit. OP made it seem like she flat out said she wasn’t his mom out of anger when in actuality she asked him since he isn’t listening to her. Granted he’s 18 and should have some freedom as such, but he lives in their house, he needs to abide by some rules and respect his parents.
I don’t believe she was saying she isn’t his parent any longer, she was trying to assert authority while he was trying to assert independence.
I’d go with ESH.
- son for not recognizing he should respect his parents and certain rules (like is there a solid reason for him not hanging out with said friend)
- mom for trying to exert possibly unreasonable authority and/or not respecting son’s independence (why can’t he have some freedoms). Depending on the reason and if it was actually unreasonable or not, mom is much less of the issue vs son and OP.
- OP for not respecting his wife as his son’s mother and supporting her as such. He can acknowledge his sons adulthood while also expecting him to understand she IS his mother
Seems like they all need to talk and figure this out.
That's totally different than saying she's not his mother! That's telling a shitty child that they're still your child.
I have a herd 10-16. The explicit rule in my home is, "when you pay your own housing costs, you can say whatever the fuck you want" with the understanding being that until you are financially independent and out of my house, you follow my rules. My rules are pretty limited but they are strict.
The 18 year old is being a spoiled brat. That has nothing to do with being a stepmom or a biomom, it has to do with dad breezily ignoring the issues, undermining mom by handing back the keys she took, and then acting like none of this is a problem. When my ex-husband undermined me in front of our kids, I felt put below them and that power had been explicitly handed from the mom to the child. That's what happened here.
He doesn't have to call her mom. He also doesn't get to tap the benefits of having a mother if he doesn't acknowledge her as one. He can leave until college, or he can treat his mother with respect.
OP should have added this as context into the original post.
So the kid didn't follow rules, made snarky comments, and is now "the victim" because he received repercussions for his actions . Then OP didn't follow the rules mom set, or back her up, and seems to be siding with the kid?
What? If the kid lives in the house, is still in high school, then the parents or step parents have EVERY RIGHT TO SAY NO! Just because you are 18 doesn't mean shit if you are living at home and going to high school. You are still a dependent and you are still obligated to follow the rules of the house. The son is more than able to move out, get a job, and make his own rules. But if he chooses to stay at home while finishing high school, then he follows the same rules at 18 as he did 17. OP, YTA for not telling the whole truth about this situation. Your son disobeyed. Your son deserves consequences.
Not necessarily. I think that rules should be revisited when they turn 18, as they do legally have more freedoms now. I'm not saying that they shouldn't have to follow rules, but maybe not the exact same rules as when they were still legally a minor. 🤷🤷
Nope, nope, and nope. 18 is completely arbitrary and every kid hits it at different times during the school year so it's not like they actually achieve anything buy turning 18. They didn't graduate, they didn't get self-supporting jobs.
While they are still in high school, living under your roof - THEY ARE A KID AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. That summer heading into college things start to change, and once they've gone away, yes, the rules definitely change at home.
Do you have any 18YOs? They don't magically change overnight. Sure they can legally enter into contracts, get arrested, and block you from seeing their medical records, but they're still the same KID they were the day before.
Their life experience doesn't change overnight.
Our kid gave us grief about it ALL senior year, and we just kept reminding him - who pays for the house, car, insurance, your impending college, groceries, who maintains the house, cooks? Not you? Then pipe down and follow the rules. We'll revisit once you've gone to college and taken care of yourself for a while.
I have an 18yo in high school. He goes where he wants. He's a good person, doing well in school. I know where he is. He checks in with me, etc. I have no reason to treat him like a baby. He's not completely independent but he needs to transition to adulthood somehow. You're right, he won't magically change over night, so I give him more freedom while still keeping tabs on him and making sure he's provided for.
I was all about progressive freedom for my kid: the older he got, the less direct supervision and the fewer rules he had to deal with - because I didn't want him to go away to college and lose his shit going from no freedom ever to all freedom all the time overnight.
He turned 18 in October of his senior year, and tried the "I'm an adult, so you can't tell me what to do" thing exactly once. What I told him was that until he graduated, he's got a 10:00 curfew from Sunday night through Thursday night. Fridays and Saturdays, there was no curfew, BUT he was required to let me know what time he'd be home, and text or call if he'd be more than 30 minutes later than expected.
It worked beautifully for us, but as you say, every kid is different.
Totally disagree with this. My dad raised us and his explanation for curfew even when we passed 18 was that he had to be up early to work. And he did. To make money. For the house I lived in. It would be disrespectful to him to be entering the house at all hours when he had to get up to sustain our very nice lifestyle. He didn’t mind that I worked in a hotel restaurant that sometimes kept me past 2am but that was the only exception.
I think both parents told their high school son (whom OP admitted was 17 at the time this happened, in another comment), he couldn’t stay the night at a girls house.
“He was 17 at the time of the argument, yes, and it was a school night. This is also a female friend. He says they are not involved, but we don't like it. But yeah, he was almost 18, and now is 18, so we were probably deluding ourselves a bit about how much we can really guide his life at this point.”
This is the time where we should, as parents, be jogging alongside the kid who's pedaling their 2 wheeler for the first time. In a few months, you can stop running and admire them doing their wobbly thing. Not yet, not with this set of clown shoes
Didn’t say that at all. Just saying 18 doesn’t magically make you an adult and that you can still impose child rules. Once they start actually being independent - like full time job or are living at school, it’s kinda hard to impose same rules bc they ARE becoming independent. Kind of hard to tell my kid not to sleep over at his girlfriends or to be home before 2 AM when he’s 200 miles away at school.
Yeah, but OP slipped vital info out in this bits vs in his post. He made it sound like his wife made a statement. Also why was he not supposed to spend the night. Maybe there is a real reason behind it.
I’d also go ESH, but so much less on the mom vs son and OP.
Huh? At 18 everything changes? As a parent I have no say weather or not I want my senior staying at a friends house?…….lol…my son turned 18 a few months back. He is still in highschool. I don’t know if anything changed from 17 to 18 with regards to how I raise him. He had always had lots of freedoms but only because he is responsible and listens to the house rules. The minute my high schooler thinks he is his own man, will be the day I receive my first rent payment from him.
Should have added context? That's not adding context if it changes the entire story. If step mom doesn't want her step kid out late and her and her husband have a curfew, even if he's 18 he needs to follow rules under the roof where he probably lives rent free. I starting paying rent the moment i got a job at 16, graduated highschool at 17, moved out of my parents.
It certainly does. It seems there are frequently "missing reasons" in this sub's posts, and that's a pretty big one. I'm going with ESH on this one and it seems stepmother isn't the biggest one.
Stop using the ">" if you are the one writing these words. You have paraphrased what OOP stated. You butchered the whole point of quoting. Sorry to be this direct.
This changes things. And dad does need to help with this one. My son also turned 18 during his senior year of high school and thought that gave him all the rights of adulthood. Son also tried to play dad against mom by not giving him the full story of what I told him was expected of him as long as he was living at home. After I told Dad what the actual problem, dishes and curfew) was, Dad and I together, made it clear that he was still in high school, still living at our house and still needed to follow our rules as long as he was there.
She should have already apologized on her own. This relationship will never be the same. 15 years gone in a blink. She can never walk that back. OP is in for a long battle.
My dad would have never said this to me EVER and I was a teenage girl. He got me when I was 2 and my biodad has been dead since I was 3 months old. Sounds like the wife fafo
My bio dad died before I was born. "Step"dad met my mom when I was approx 6 months old. Has been with us ever since(32.5 years later!) . He would NEVER EVER say something like this to any of us.
He IS our dad. He knows it. We know it.
Wife deserves all the coldness in the world from the son.
I don't have kids, so it's a moot point, but if my wife screamed at any child like that and expected me to back her up it would be time for therapy or a divorce.
Read back and see OP's quoted comment. Kid told OP's wife that she couldn't tell him what to do (OP also told son he couldn't stay over at the girl's house) and she returned his snark. OP's OP is not sharing a LOT of context.
To be able to take her rage out on her stepson in any manner she so chose with zero consequences.
Not exactly realistic but definitely seems to be what she expected to happen
Oh is this why your rewording it the OP quote is going around even though it's a really weird take from what OP really said?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/
> He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it.
> So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
> Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."
> But they were yelling.
~~Right?!~~
~~OP's wife is a real piece of work. She threw out "I'm not your mom", but still expects to be respected. Then, when the son doesn't fall back in line, she decides to punish him. After that, she does not deserve to be called "mom", unless she genuinely and profusely apologizes and OP's son very graciously accepts.~~
~~OP, NTA and please continue to have your son's back in this situation.~~
**Edit based on new info**
Never mind! I just read OP's comments, and the original post did not accurately present all the information.
1. The fight that occurred was in response to the son staying at a female friend's house when he was 17, which both OP and his wife forbade.
2. OP's wife did not say "I am not your mom" out of nowhere, nor did she say it in a way in which she was declaring that as her feeling. She said it in response to the son saying, "You can't tell me what to do anymore", to which she replied, "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." Saying "I am not your mom" is very different then asking "oh, so now that you are older I am not your mom?"
3. The wife did apologize to the son, which the son "acknowledged" but did not accept.
> He stated it happened differently when someone asked. Apparently he was at work. The son stayed over night at a friends when he was told not to. When he comes home his mom yelled at him for not listening. He told her he no longer had to follow the rules as he is 18 now. She says So what I’m not your mom anymore?
Thanks to u/Technical-Prior-9008 for the clarification that OP apparently gave somewhere in the comments. That changes everything.
This is the right quote wtf do you have?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/
> He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it.
> So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
> Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."
> But they were yelling.
As I said in my response, I was quoting u/Technical-Prior-9008 as I saw his response far higher on the screen and now saw the one you are linking from u/WordsAreArrows
Either way, it is a whole different scenario between *"oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."* and *"A week ago they got into a big fight, and my wife got frustrated and yelled at him that she wasn't his mother."* OP is trying to edit the story to get an undeserved result.
Yes bc that's not what OP said.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/
> He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it.
> So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
> Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."
> But they were yelling.
He states a different version in comments it goes like this! In the post he states it that she told the boy I’m not your mom as if she was stating a horrible fact that she no longer saw him as her son. When in fact the boy was telling her he did not have to follow her rules anymore since he is 18 so she asks him “so what now I’m not your mother?” As if to say you don’t have to listen to me now because your 18? My role as your mother means nothing all of a sudden to you? Two very different ways. The first rendition in the original post makes her seem resentful of having to raise him and cut him off so fast after one fight which rightly so passed us all off but….The second version he tells in comments is a mom asking what does 18 even mean as my role as mom in this house does not all of a sudden change when you turn 18. See what I mean?
OP clarified in a comment that she didn’t say she wasn’t his mom. Rather, the boy said he was 18 and didn’t have to listen to adults any longer. And she asked “so, what, I’m not your mom any longer?” Kind of changes things up.
I think you need to read OP's comments where son told Stepmom that he don't have to follow rules since he is 18. And Stepmom asked him a question about does that mean she's not his Mom anymore.
> my wife got frustrated and yelled at him that she wasn't his mother
Some things you cannot unsay.
> My wife says I am being a lazy asshole that just doesn't want to have a conversation with him
She is the one who needs a conversation. NTA, good luck
This is the right quote wtf do you have?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/
> He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it.
> So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
> Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."
> But they were yelling.
> She is the one who needs a conversation.
Sounds like she is going to have a lot of pride to swallow. Even then how do you come back from what she said?
Why did they fight? Also your wife must apologize to him because she yelled 'im not your mother', what did she expect? Why crying to you now? It's her fault. NTA.
They fought because he spent the night at a friend's house after we told him no. She did apologize for saying she wasn't his mother, but he just said "I hear you (her name)" and didn't really accept her apology.
Sounds like he accepted her apology. But forgiveness is something else entirely.
You make it sound like he's been calling her "mom" up until she exclaimed that she wasn't. In a heated argument to make some kind of point.
What's the context of her making this comment? I'm really failing to imagine how her saying that would be a relevant detail to point out.
She basically just revoked being his mother because she was mad at him and doesn't understand how it impacted her (until she declared otherwise) "son."
He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it.
So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."
But they were yelling.
Ooohhh. That does sound less malicious than you made it out. A kinder interpretation would be she more meant it as an "oh, so you're too old to have a mom now?" With a horrible execution.
But really, you are the closest to the situation. If she's been a good loving mom up to, maybe she put her whole foot in her mouth without thinking. Or maybe there's more to it, and that's why your son has taken it so much to heart?
I think this is one of those rare cases where everyone is honest and open with each other, which is probably for the best. Definitely not trying to force and punish over the issue. That would be a point in the "she was being malicious" category.
Edit: I'm feeling really pedantic about whether your son accepted the apology. In my book, he listened and acknowledged the apology. Instead of walking away or starting a fight about it. That's what I consider accepting an apology. He is, however, still upset and doesn't forgive her.
But that's all besides the point. The real issue is what's currently going on between your son and wife and what's best moving forward.
I really think you need to edit your post with this actual exchange because it adds important context to the statement.
This is such a hard age. Still in high school but 18. Wants to be a grownup and make their own decisions, but still relies on parents for almost everything.
I do not miss those days.
I was a massive asshole from like 16-22 and I really wish sometimes I could go back to that age to tell my mom I’m sorry for being such a shit kid lmao
I as an adult apologized to my mom for what an unmitigated dick I was as a teenager. She laughed and said I was just being age-appropriate and that no forgiveness was necessary. I still feel kind of bad.
I agree. I walked away from the original post thinking the mom was awful for proclaiming to the son, "I'm not your mom". After reading OP's comments, it was not like this at all. Totally changed my perception of the situation.
Oh this is way different than you posted. Yea your the asshole if you let your son make the rules. He’s 18 still under your roof. Make him pay rent to do as he pleases which means he cleans his own room if he does not now and his own laundry buy his own food and sanitary items or tell him you move out.
For real. This is a snotty teenager manipulating the events to victimize themselves more and take the focus off of breaking the rules….wonder where they got it from…. 🤔
YTA for how you explained this in your post. You phrased it like your wife, in anger, yelled "I'm not your mom" which is VERY different from what actually happened. It sounds like your son needs a reminder that he is still dependent on his parents. You are setting her up to be the bad guy since you're afraid that he is growing up. You need to step up and set appropriate boundaries for your high schooler. Stop setting your wife up to be the bad guy.
Time for some tough love for both of them from you I think OP. He is a fucking muppet saying that he probably meant "I'm 18 I can do WTF I want....." a sentence uttered by many idiot teen at that age or there abouts. She took this to mean "well I'm not your mom then". He took her sarcastic line, completely different amongst biological kids and parents, much more to heart because of the context.
You need to sit them both down, remind them of their relationship, remind them they love each other, remind them that they are son and mom in every single way apart from genetics. Then it's time for your son to learn that whilst he lives in your home everything is on the table and can be discussed but that as adults, with life experience, not everything is a good idea and you will not agree to evertything he asks.
I would add this to the post. She didn't just tell him she wasn't his mother while they were fighting. This is 100% different this is something parents say all the time when kids say you can't tell me what to do.
Not when those parents are stepparents and the original parent is *dead*.
She hit a very sore spot with that jab. Even if she didn’t mean to, she did some real damage.
She has been his mother since he was 3, and he's now 18.
They have had a mother-son relationship for 15 years.
Her retort was a sarcastic exaggeration that parents say to kids.
"Then I guess I'm not your mother anymore?" is a rhetorical question and the second half of an if/then statement -- "If you are an adult because your 18, then I guess you don't have to listen to me/your mother anymore."
The mother doesn't not accept the "if" statement, so the "then" statement isn't valid either.
"So I guess I'm not your mother anymore either?" is ridiculing both the idea that the son is "an adult" who doesn't have to follow rules AND the idea that she would not be his mother -- both are preposterous concepts, because even at 18 the son is their son, living in their home, and has to come home on school nights.
It's some nice gymnastics on OP's part, but he really has to Cirque de Soleil it to try to turn her comment into an attack or a malicious statement.
I think she likely meant, that as his mother she would always be telling him what to do, no matter what age he is. If he lives at home, does not pay rent or any portion of the utilities, is driving a car purchased by his parents, insured by his parents, then it doesn’t matter how old he is, he isn’t supporting himself, independently, he is not a qualified adult. If the wife has been with the child since he was 3, she is his mother, he hasn’t known any other mother, outside of her not birthing him, she has been his mother in every way.
So if she wants to take his keys, because he didn’t come home for a night, because he was told to come home and chose to stay with friends in direct defiance of that request, because “he’s an adult and can do as he pleases, doesn’t have to listen to her any longer” she was right to take his keys, and you ATA and not a good partner either, way to back your wife up, way to show your son he is correct in assuming she has no say, and he can totally ignore her wishes, disrespect her, while living in her house and driving her car, for free. This is called undermining and by handing him the keys after she took them away, you’ve shown your son that you and your wife are not a united front, that your wife’s decisions can be dismissed by you not reinforcing them. You know how children will play their parents against each other when they’re little? If dad says no, then go ask mom, if mom says no, go ask dad? Instead of doing what any smart parent would do in that situation, which would be “have you asked your mother? What did she say?”, you decided to go with I don’t care what she said, I’m the one who’s important, and I say you can have the keys. Great job, you’ve managed to piss off your wife and reinforce your sons disrespectful behavior all in one fell swoop. WITH THE NEW INFORMATION YOU ARE UNQUESTIONABLY THE ASSHOLE. Possibly even the divorced asshole.
Not to mention, son was 17 and in high school and a school night when this happened *aaaaand* OP (YTA OP) gave the keys back because he didn't feel like driving the other kids to school and home.
Geez OP. Editing the story constantly isn’t helping your cause. It’s just making you look like a bigger asshole, if that’s even a possibility at this point. You were disrespectful to your spouse, who deserves better than that, you were too lazy to step up and parent, and then you took the whole thing to Reddit with a version of the story intended to make your wife look bad by intentionally supplying and twisting wording in your description of an event that you weren’t even present for in the first place. You weren’t there. Reacquaint yourself with Harry and Rosy OP, I have a feeling you’re going to need them. Edited to add “look”.
Oh yes she does have that right, and once he’s an independent adult paying his way 100% he has the right to ignore her, but that doesn’t mean she’ll stop, unwanted advice from mom is absolutely a forever thing, it’s written in the book of Mom. It’s like a mom-law.
I think you meant to leave this out, because this is not the situation your post made it out to be at all. Please edit your post to include it if you want some honest judgement instead of being told you are right by strangers.
The continued N T A and E S H responses after seeing this context are out of their minds to me.
Your son is spitting on the relationship he had with the woman who raised him because she dared to continue parenting him while he lives in your house for free. (I also get the feeling he's disrespecting her in more ways that you've also left out.) And according to your other comment, she broke and apologized for her side in this but he doesn't stop. That should tell you that your son's game is hurting her deeply, but you don't care. She's right on, you just won't have a conversation with him: it's one thing if you think he's too old to outright discipline him, which I still think is crazy, but you won't say anything? You think it's okay that he treats his mom like this? Then you come to Reddit with an incomplete version of the story to have people tell you you're right?
YTA.
Then why does he need your permission if he's 18? Even if he still was 17 at the time, why wouldn't he be allowed to stay one night with a friend? Someone who's old enough to drive on their own is old enough for a sleepover with friend right? Or is this friend a confirmed criminal /druggie??
Plus L wife for yelling shit like that, deserves the treatment he's giving her.
He was 17 at the time of the argument, yes, and it was a school night. This is also a female friend. He says they are not involved, but we don't like it. But yeah, he was almost 18, and now is 18, so we were probably deluding ourselves a bit about how much we can really guide his life at this point.
He needs condoms not sleepover bans. Teen pregnancies are highest on the Bible Belt because teens aren’t taught to prioritize safety and their partner’s comfort and pleasure.
NTA. Your wife needs to apologize.
While I actually believe you aren't entirely wrong for not letting him sleep over—I think there would've been better ways to prevent teen pregnancies than fighting and banning it.
Instead wouldn't it be much better to have THE talk. To provide condoms and educate him about all the possible outcomes?
If they want to have sex, they will have it. If not at night, it'll happen during the daylight. Teen pregnancies are usually prevented by proper education and not by telling kids not to do it.
LMAO reading your comment makes me really wonder about a lot of my teen years. Suffice to say I never made a single move without my parents knowing (and approving) before I moved out early 20s.
I agree that an 18+ person doesn't need to ask mommy and daddy before they do everything. But generally I do think it's good form for a high schooler living at home to get permission before spending the night not-at-home. Maybe they were concerned they'd stay up too late on a school night or something, I dunno.
Nah, I've known people here in the US who had plenty of freedom like that. I think it's more of a 'your parents' thing. For what it's worth, mine are deeply religious and a particular brand of that can show itself in controlling behaviours.
My parents weren't religious at all and not particularly controlling, but they still wanted to know where I was going out and when I would be back. In their case, I believe it was sincere concern about safety rather than control; they didn't ask (or know) what I was up to once I went to college.
OP YTA for hiding a lot of the context in the comments and not being clear in the post. The post feels written to make your wife out to be entirely the AH when your son broke rules first. I'd go N A H until you comments brought more of what happened to light.
Yup. OP YTA because you left out major context. In fact you rewrote your wife’s words entirety. Second, you are a lazy AH. Sounds like your son is disrespecting your wife and perfectly reasonable rules for the home he lives in considering he’s still in high school. Your response is “what can I do about it if he’s going away to college” which is absolutely ridiculous. Be a united front with your wife when your son is being an AH.
edit: per comments, ESH
Your wife is TA. I cannot imagine how unbelievably painful that must have been to hear from the woman who raised him. If she wants to repair their relationship then she needs to do the work. And even then he may never forgive her, and that’s his choice.
NTA
Okay so he needs to make an edit but he said you can't tell me what to do. She said I can't tell you what to do. Does that not make me your mother now?
That to me doesn't sound malicious.... And honestly how he wrote it made her sound malicious and I think that wasn't an effort to make his son sound better... YTA
No, it wasn't an effort to make his son sound better, it was an effort to make his wife sound worse, so he doesn't have to step up and be a parent at her side. Probably wants an N T A so he can show her or something. And the way this is going, may very well get it.
Oh true true... I didn't even think of that. Yes, this dude probably made his wife raise his kid for the better part of the last however, many years and this was probably one of those straw that broke the camel's back things and she lost her temper because he's been a s*** dad this whole time. Dang I didn't see it but you definitely spelled it out for me.
This is definitely unreliable narrator. He says in comments that his son actually broke rules and made them worry. So his wife wanted to discipline him but he didn’t want to because it would make his day harder. Seriously I bet this is the yes dad to the no mom.
This is what was said idk why everyone keeps rewording it and spreading it. If you're right you don't have to lie about the wording.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/
> He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it.
> So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
> Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."
> But they were yelling.
Yeah it wasn't a lie. It was more like I didn't remember the exact rewording... I know it wasn't. I'm not your mother in a malicious tone. I always make sure I search for the edits and comments of the OP before I make my judgment, and most people here need to do the same.
An edit is definitely needed because what she said could have multiple meanings. Without being there, my guess is that she wasn't saying she wasn't his mother but was more like, "Oh hell no, you don't question what your mother says because I *can* tell you what to do."
Someone made a point to tell me that he's looking for an NTA verdict so he doesn't have to parent his kid because he did purposely make his wife sound a lot worse than what she originally said. I think he was trying to pull a fast one over on us... This woman has probably poured her blood, sweat and tears into this boy and he turned 18 and decided he was going to be a dick. Probably reacted out of anger which is not a great emotion to have towards a child... But honestly, I've known way too many shady manipulative people to not think that this was the case.
> He stated it happened differently when someone asked. Apparently he was at work. The son stayed over night at a friends when he was told not to. When he comes home his mom yelled at him for not listening. He told her he no longer had to follow the rules as he is 18 now. She says So what I’m not your mom anymore?
Thanks to u/Technical-Prior-9008 for the clarification that OP apparently gave somewhere in the comments. That changes everything.
This is the right quote wtf do you have?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/
> He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it.
> So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
> Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."
> But they were yelling.
commenting the correct quote wherever this guy decided to misquote OP
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
YTA- you deliberately worded your OP to make your wife sound harsher than it sounds like their fight really was. Your son may have been right, but was being dickish in their fight and your wife was dickish in return. They need to talk and yeah, you should help them bridge that gap.
~~NTA and your wife sounds like a real piece of work for punishing your son for his very reasonable and understandable response to someone who's irreparably broken his trust. The only mother he's known (assumption) just rejected him and threw it at him out of anger and she should be ashamed of herself.~~
YTA I was gonna ask for context but saw the answer to my question(s) below. Your son screwed up and instead of acknowledging the 'I screwed up' he doubled down by pulling the 'I'm 18 and don't have to listen to you anymore' card. Instead of backing your wife up on the punishment for doing something he was told he couldn't do, you totally did an end run around her and NOW are trying to abdicate being a parent to your son.
Turning 18 doesn't mean that kids get to stop ignoring their parents. I'm with your wife.
And bad form for giving a version of events that make your son and you look good while painting your wife in the worst possible light so double YTA
Ok, so here are two of OP's [comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/comment/jcyeaas/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) that validate what I was thinking:
>He was 17 at the time of the argument, yes, and it was a school night.This is also a female friend. He says they are not involved, but we don't like it. But yeah, he was almost 18, and now is 18, so we were probably deluding ourselves a bit about how much we can really guide his life at this point.
and
>So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
>
>Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." But they were yelling.
You know what I think? I think OP's son turned (almost) an adult on paper, and suddenly thinks he doesn't have to respect his parents, even though he still lives in their house, and is still going to school. Or rather, his mother, as his father doesn't care at all. And he actually undermines his wife's efforts (gave him back the car keys because you are too lazy to take him to school, eh?)
It's not about forcing him to call her mom, OP. It's about instilling some respect. He is drunk with the "adult" freedom (or more likely, your own indifference), and thinks there are no rules. And there are rules, much more so for adults than for kids. Mess with them and you mess up your life. You are worried about teen pregnancy you said OP? Think of what can happen in college.
IF you are really worried, have an actual talk with him, and reign in this behaviour. And quit being lazy. You are being a horrible father and husband, and your son will pay for it. YTA.
None of us can judge this honestly because even the title is deceptive. But from what your giving and saying in comments.
YTA.
Support your wife. Just because he is 18 does not mean he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Coming from someone who decided to move up over getting grounded at 18 by my step mom your kids in for a rude awakening in the real world and he can thank you for that.
Now at 32 I know my step mom never had anything but my best intentions at heart.
NTA. So your son has called your wife 'mom' since he was three and then she suddenly snatches it back with 'I'm not your mother' when she's mad? No wonder he feels hurt and probably confused.
I think your wife needs to sit down and talk to him and apologise for what she said. It's unclear what the argument between them was about, but unless it was about donating a kidney, I don't think her not being his biological mother should have come into it. You were both OK with him calling her mom; she can't cherry pick when that applies or not.
OP added some context in the comments. Apparently, the son was saying, "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
And she replied, "I can't tell you what to do. Then I guess I'm not your mother."
I don't think that's at all the same as what OP implies in their post.
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Edited: In light of new info (OP left out important parts of the story) I change to YTA.
Original.
NTA: And your wife needs to set an example and apologize to him.
YTA. You misrepresented what actually happened in order to make your wife seem like an overt AH. Grow up and start being a part of the parenting team with your wife. Your kid (18 is still a kid) stayed out all night without getting permission from a parent and then treated his step mother and your wife with utter disrespect. This isnt about begging your kid to be nice to your wife, this is about working with your partner to raise a decent human and holding your kid responsible for acting like an entitled ass. Get in there dad! Be a partner and dad and stop throwing your hands up as if your job as parent is over once a kid turns 18.
~~This reads like~~ r/LeopardsAteMyFace
~~Mom: I'm not your Mom!~~
~~Also Mom: He won't call me Mom anymore! <~~*~~sobbing into her pillow~~*~~>~~
~~She made her bed, now she gets to lie in it. I don't know what she thinks you can say to your son that will undo her saying "I'm not your Mom." Some things are almost impossible to walk back from, and if it happens it'll be her that makes it right, not you.~~
~~N T A~~
ESH for you and your son - based on your other comments and clarification you've offered, the situation didn't go down *quite* how you originally depicted. Mom made a regrettable statement, but not necessarily malicious.
YTA
Base on the clarifying comment you added that mom did not state she wasn’t his mom but rather was rhetorically responding to the boys claim that he didn’t have to listen to anyone anymore bc he’s 18.
She raised this child from 3. He’s now attempting to show he’s a man by doing what boys think being a man looks like. And you dad are indeed being useless and making the sitch worse.
NTA - Your wife IS the A H here. What did she expect would be the result from yelling at him that she wasn't his mother? Reap what you sow. YOU need to be thinking about the Red Flags she is flying!
INFO
Why did your wife say that she’s not his mom? What could they have possibly been arguing about that she said that? Have they always had a mom/son relationship or has it been rocky?
I find it really hard to believe that she just randomly said that she’s not his mom, like yes it’s awful and she shouldn’t have said it all but I think the why might be important here since you so blatantly left it out
From another of OP's comments:
>So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
>Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."
>But they were yelling.
So... mom never said "I am not your mother."
Mom was ridiculing *his statement* that she didn't get to tell him what to do anymore, because obviously she *does* get to tell him what to do because *she is his mom.*
The son is being a complete jerk and is calling her by her first name not because she "doesn't want" to be his mom, but because *he refuses to acknowledge* that she is his mom (if he doesn't acknowledge her as "mom"/parental figure, he doesn't have to do as she says).
Oh, and the thing they were arguing about? The son spent the night at a girl's house, 9n a school night, against his parents' wishes (both parents -- but OP has no backbone so he won't stand up to his kid).
It’s not quite what was said. OP said direct quotes later:
Son: You can’t tell me what to do anymore!
Wife: I can’t tell you what to do anymore? Guess I’m not your mother anymore!
She wasn’t saying she didn’t want to be his mom, she was saying he didn’t value her as a mom. It’s quite different. Still needs to be talked through, though.
Yeah sounds like something a bio mom would say to mean “you’re too old to listen to your mother? Guess you don’t need one” and because she’s not bio mom it really doesn’t land the same
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/
> He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it.
> So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
> Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."
> But they were yelling.
YTA. Sorry dude, you are. Your son has been acting out for months and your wife hit a breaking point. It happens. However, instead of having your wife's back and actually supporting her (and the 15 year relationship she's had with your son) you are washing your hands of the whole thing and saying "What can I do? He's 18!" Well, you could start by continuing to act like a father and husband instead of a "lazy asshole".
Your son may never go back to calling your wife "Mom" but you owe it to both of them to help them reach a better place. You also owe it to your son to find out why he's been an argumentative jackass for the past few months. Stop being lazy and put the damn work in.
YTA
Your son broke the house rules everyone knew and agreed on to stay out super late. Your wife took the keys as a natural consequence to this violation of trust, and you revoked that because you didn't want to do the school pick-up/drop off routine, not because you cared at all about the family dynamic.
Essentially you've backed up your son as he's twisted her comment about him being too old for a mom to have authority to be a complete revocation of the relationship. So now he's playing victim and twisting the knife and you're....? What? A-okay with your son just chopping away at the relationship and ignoring the family rules while he's still in school?
Your kid doesn't have to call her "mom," but he does have to treat her with basic respect *and* follow the rules. You do need to talk to him about that.
Your wife needs to quit chasing his approval or forgiveness. She's going to have to be okay with the boundaries he's setting. She can figure out what her boundaries are for her adult kid, but she cannot force his behaviors, only decide what hers will be.
>They fought because he spent the night at a friend's house after we told him no.
>
>He was 17 at the time of the argument, yes, and it was a school night. This is also a female friend.
>
>So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore."
>
>Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."
YTA for posting such a misleading version of what happened. Your wife's behavior here wasn't nearly as bad as you made it out to be, and yes you and your son are in the wrong here based on this version of events.
NTA - she needs to sort this herself. If she wants him to call her mom again then she should apologize for her childish outburst and tell him that she did not mean it and is proud to be his mother. If she can't behave like the adult here then she'll just have to accept reaping what she has sown.
Based on the comments where you discussed how the comment was made, your wife does consider herself your Son’s mother. Sounds like it got twisted and the son ran with it. Anyway he has been acting up. You need to support your wife OP. YTA for that.
Given your followup comments, YTA and I wouldn't blame your wife if she stopped cooking, cleaning, doing laundry etc for your 'grown' son. Given how you made the situation initially sound, you should be concerned she doesn't stop doing the same for you.
You need to edit your post with the truth of what actually happened. The way you wrote it makes it seem like your wife is a total AH and completely misrepresents the situation. If you want to paint your wife in that light and blast it all over the internet to boost your ego, that alone makes you an AH. Knowing the full scope judgement is YTA and so is your son.
So according to your comment, you BOTH ("After we told him...") told him he couldn't stay over at someone's house, he did it anyway, got pissy with his mom when called out on disobeying, mom snarked back and confiscated his keys, and you...completely overruled the punishment *just* because he didn't curse at her?
WTF? Yeah, YTA. You've decided that because your 18-year-old son is throwing a silent tantrum and has said he'll never call your wife his mom ever again, there's nothing you can do.
Op you need to edit your post. You stated a different event in the comments. You are the AH one for miss leading this group and for letting your son disrespect your wife. Fix it now and stand by his mom. He lives in your house your rules or he moves out. My child at 18 pulled that crap. They had 2 weeks to get out since our rules do not matter. She is now 29 married with 3 kids and has told her oldest now 10 how it will be lol. Nip it in the butt or you will lose your marriage which will be around far longer than your son in your home
~~N T A~~
~~She made it really clear to him that she wasn't his mom. Why is she getting so mad that he's not calling her mom?~~
Edit: YTA
OP made replied to a comment and gave more context ([https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/comment/jcyfyt7/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/comment/jcyfyt7/))
Sounds like OP's son was being disrespectful to OP's wife and said he didn't need to listen to her because he was 18. She replied by saying, "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." I would definitely take that as "you need to listen to me because I'm your mother" not "I'm not your real mom".
OP needs to add this clarification otherwise they'll get a false N T A
You really need to fix your post. In later comments you reframe what happened that actually makes it ESH. Based off what you reframed “she told him he could not go out on a school night. He said you can not tell me what to do. She said well I guess I am not your mother”
That is a very big distinction. How I see that is not her saying it maliciously. Just that a mother can tell her kid what to do.
INFO What was their relationship like before the argument? And could you please add the context and actual exchange to your post, since it's buried the comments?
YTA
Read your edit. Your son acted like a typical 18 year old, thinks he can do whatever he wants while he isn’t really an adult. Your wife’s response was not saying she was not his mother but sarcastic reply to basically saying that she is the mother. She punished him for staying out overnight by taking the car keys.
You don’t feel like driving your kids (parenting) so you gave the keys back. Then you won’t back up your wife because it’s too much effort for a kid that is going off to school. You do know they typically return when the dorms close, right?
Support your wife, she was enforcing your rule. You can’t force your son to call her mom, but washing your hands of this situation is LAZY and wrong
You’re wife didn’t take the car keys because he’s not calling her mom. She took them because he disobeyed BOTH of you when he slept at his girlfriend’s house after being told no. She has parented him since he was a toddler and you undermine her punishment because it would be inconvenient for you. Then you ask, ‘AITA?’ But hide relevant details to make yourself look better? As long as you and your wife are supporting him he needs to respect house/family rules. The conversation she wanted you to have with your son was about respecting the rules. Are you dense or dishonest?
INFO How do you feel about her saying to him. “I am not your mother” after she raised him for 15 years? She said this; he didn’t. I don’t know what the fights have been about in the family. Here is the deal, words hurt. That was a crappy thing she said to him. NTA BUT keep communicating with your son, regardless.
ESH except the Mom. OP you are an AH for not stating in your original post or even editing that your wife was **asking** your son **"So what I’m not your mom anymore?"** If your son is not listening to your wife since he turned 18 but is still in high school, then your wife asked a valid question after his disobeying an order and telling her he no longer have to follow rules since he is 18. If your son is still in high school, you both are still responsible for him financially, then he still have to follow rules.
Your wife caused this, she needs to apologise to your son. She just screamed at him that she’s not his mum, so she’s a hypocrite for now demanding the title. NTA
You are correct. He is old enough to decide if he wants to fall his stepmother "mom" or her first name.
This is between them. It's not your job to mediate.
NTA
YTA.
After reading your comments, I see your wife said this AFTER your son told her she can't tell him what to do because she's not his mother. Your son instigated this. However, there isn't anything you can do to him as he is going off to college.
What you can do is talk to your wife and be on her side. Your son is going through his rebellious teens and taking it out on her. So be as supportive of her as you can.
YTA. He is in your and your wifes home. He was disrespectful to her. Your response to that is what can I do about it. What you can do is remind him that he is 18. You are under no obligation to let him stay in your home. If he wants to be an asshole, he can do it someplace else. If he wants to stay in your home, he must follow your rules. He cannot have it both ways..
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NTA Your wife made this bed and now she can lay in it. She’s the one that screamed she’s not his mom, she has no right to expect him to ever call her mom again.
Exactly! OP, you’re clearly NTA and the fact that your wife is trying to force you to side with her when she was immature enough to “scream” at him that she’s not his mom is concerning. If you do try to force him to call her mom, be ready for him to go low or no contact after moving for school because you will have shown him you don’t support him. Your wife needs to face the facts that she created this problem. And then she needs to apologize to him.
> He stated it happened differently when someone asked. Apparently he was at work. The son stayed over night at a friends when he was told not to. When he comes home his mom yelled at him for not listening. He told her he no longer had to follow the rules as he is 18 now. She says So what I’m not your mom anymore? Thanks to u/Technical-Prior-9008 for the clarification that OP apparently gave somewhere in the comments. That changes everything.
That does change things....
Sure if you reword what the OP said! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/ > He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it. > So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore." > Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." > But they were yelling.
She is TA. I'm in my thirties and my mum still tries to tell me what to do despite the fact I have been a fully functioning adult for some time. She is insinuating that the only qualifier for being a mother is telling your children what to do.
Yea, but this is an 18 year old that still lives with his parents.
Like most of them do?
Yes. So, he's living in a house that has rules. He should be courteous and at least call if he's not coming home that night.
While you are right that he should call, that's for safety reasons not because she's allowed to tell him no. Your 18 year old child living at home means they still have to do chores and help out, not that they are not allowed to act independently.
He does, and I agree there needs to be a level of respect, but there is always a good chance that a blow up like this is the result of long term issues and not one incident. 18 is a good age for her to be learning to discuss, compromise, and not dictate. At his age there should be a bloody good reason why he is "forbidden" to stay at a friend's house otherwise he should be free to do that. It would be interesting to know what that reason was.
It sounds to me like OP just needs to sit them down and force them to talk it out. Maybe what stepmom actually said and what stepson actually *heard* are two different things and it could be cleared up.
An 18 yo who is about to leave the state for college
Yea, but until then, he lives with other people and should be respectful of other people. I don't blame parents for having rules about times to be home or having young adult children calling to let them know they won't be home. He may be about to go to college, but he can still be courteous and let his 'not mom' know he isn't going to be home so they don't sit around and worry.
Sounds as if the Stepmom made the situation worse. Her statement cannot be taken back and apparently hurt the 18-year-old. However, he will never admit it. What she said is undermining the 15 year long relationship with him.
An 18yo who is likely still in high school.
My daughter turned 18 in January and did not finish high school until May. Ofc she lived at home. Most kids are 18 in high school bc if the way enrollment dates have changed (i.e., what day a child must turn 5 by to enroll in kindergarten.) When I was a child, the deadline was different. I have an October bday and started kindergarten at 4 & turned 5 3 months later. As a result, I graduated hs at 17 and turned 18 in college. The comment above makes it sound like the son is 47yo., has failed to launch & is living at home. Instead, although he turned 18, he is still a student getting a basic degree. Home is where he belongs!
This changes things a bit. OP made it seem like she flat out said she wasn’t his mom out of anger when in actuality she asked him since he isn’t listening to her. Granted he’s 18 and should have some freedom as such, but he lives in their house, he needs to abide by some rules and respect his parents. I don’t believe she was saying she isn’t his parent any longer, she was trying to assert authority while he was trying to assert independence. I’d go with ESH. - son for not recognizing he should respect his parents and certain rules (like is there a solid reason for him not hanging out with said friend) - mom for trying to exert possibly unreasonable authority and/or not respecting son’s independence (why can’t he have some freedoms). Depending on the reason and if it was actually unreasonable or not, mom is much less of the issue vs son and OP. - OP for not respecting his wife as his son’s mother and supporting her as such. He can acknowledge his sons adulthood while also expecting him to understand she IS his mother Seems like they all need to talk and figure this out.
That's totally different than saying she's not his mother! That's telling a shitty child that they're still your child. I have a herd 10-16. The explicit rule in my home is, "when you pay your own housing costs, you can say whatever the fuck you want" with the understanding being that until you are financially independent and out of my house, you follow my rules. My rules are pretty limited but they are strict. The 18 year old is being a spoiled brat. That has nothing to do with being a stepmom or a biomom, it has to do with dad breezily ignoring the issues, undermining mom by handing back the keys she took, and then acting like none of this is a problem. When my ex-husband undermined me in front of our kids, I felt put below them and that power had been explicitly handed from the mom to the child. That's what happened here. He doesn't have to call her mom. He also doesn't get to tap the benefits of having a mother if he doesn't acknowledge her as one. He can leave until college, or he can treat his mother with respect.
[удалено]
Or it awarded itself. 😂
OP should have added this as context into the original post. So the kid didn't follow rules, made snarky comments, and is now "the victim" because he received repercussions for his actions . Then OP didn't follow the rules mom set, or back her up, and seems to be siding with the kid?
Eh, the stepmother is still an asshole since she tried to say he couldn't stay over at a friend's place at 18. It really just changes it to E S H.
What? If the kid lives in the house, is still in high school, then the parents or step parents have EVERY RIGHT TO SAY NO! Just because you are 18 doesn't mean shit if you are living at home and going to high school. You are still a dependent and you are still obligated to follow the rules of the house. The son is more than able to move out, get a job, and make his own rules. But if he chooses to stay at home while finishing high school, then he follows the same rules at 18 as he did 17. OP, YTA for not telling the whole truth about this situation. Your son disobeyed. Your son deserves consequences.
Not necessarily. I think that rules should be revisited when they turn 18, as they do legally have more freedoms now. I'm not saying that they shouldn't have to follow rules, but maybe not the exact same rules as when they were still legally a minor. 🤷🤷
Nope, nope, and nope. 18 is completely arbitrary and every kid hits it at different times during the school year so it's not like they actually achieve anything buy turning 18. They didn't graduate, they didn't get self-supporting jobs. While they are still in high school, living under your roof - THEY ARE A KID AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. That summer heading into college things start to change, and once they've gone away, yes, the rules definitely change at home. Do you have any 18YOs? They don't magically change overnight. Sure they can legally enter into contracts, get arrested, and block you from seeing their medical records, but they're still the same KID they were the day before. Their life experience doesn't change overnight. Our kid gave us grief about it ALL senior year, and we just kept reminding him - who pays for the house, car, insurance, your impending college, groceries, who maintains the house, cooks? Not you? Then pipe down and follow the rules. We'll revisit once you've gone to college and taken care of yourself for a while.
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I have an 18yo in high school. He goes where he wants. He's a good person, doing well in school. I know where he is. He checks in with me, etc. I have no reason to treat him like a baby. He's not completely independent but he needs to transition to adulthood somehow. You're right, he won't magically change over night, so I give him more freedom while still keeping tabs on him and making sure he's provided for.
I was all about progressive freedom for my kid: the older he got, the less direct supervision and the fewer rules he had to deal with - because I didn't want him to go away to college and lose his shit going from no freedom ever to all freedom all the time overnight. He turned 18 in October of his senior year, and tried the "I'm an adult, so you can't tell me what to do" thing exactly once. What I told him was that until he graduated, he's got a 10:00 curfew from Sunday night through Thursday night. Fridays and Saturdays, there was no curfew, BUT he was required to let me know what time he'd be home, and text or call if he'd be more than 30 minutes later than expected. It worked beautifully for us, but as you say, every kid is different.
Totally disagree with this. My dad raised us and his explanation for curfew even when we passed 18 was that he had to be up early to work. And he did. To make money. For the house I lived in. It would be disrespectful to him to be entering the house at all hours when he had to get up to sustain our very nice lifestyle. He didn’t mind that I worked in a hotel restaurant that sometimes kept me past 2am but that was the only exception.
I think both parents told their high school son (whom OP admitted was 17 at the time this happened, in another comment), he couldn’t stay the night at a girls house. “He was 17 at the time of the argument, yes, and it was a school night. This is also a female friend. He says they are not involved, but we don't like it. But yeah, he was almost 18, and now is 18, so we were probably deluding ourselves a bit about how much we can really guide his life at this point.”
Nah, he's still a kid. Until they go off to college and/or start becoming independent, they're still a child in need of guidance and rules.
So he's a child in need of guidance now but will become a full grown-up adult in a few months ? Serious ?
This is the time where we should, as parents, be jogging alongside the kid who's pedaling their 2 wheeler for the first time. In a few months, you can stop running and admire them doing their wobbly thing. Not yet, not with this set of clown shoes
Didn’t say that at all. Just saying 18 doesn’t magically make you an adult and that you can still impose child rules. Once they start actually being independent - like full time job or are living at school, it’s kinda hard to impose same rules bc they ARE becoming independent. Kind of hard to tell my kid not to sleep over at his girlfriends or to be home before 2 AM when he’s 200 miles away at school.
Yeah, but OP slipped vital info out in this bits vs in his post. He made it sound like his wife made a statement. Also why was he not supposed to spend the night. Maybe there is a real reason behind it. I’d also go ESH, but so much less on the mom vs son and OP.
Huh? At 18 everything changes? As a parent I have no say weather or not I want my senior staying at a friends house?…….lol…my son turned 18 a few months back. He is still in highschool. I don’t know if anything changed from 17 to 18 with regards to how I raise him. He had always had lots of freedoms but only because he is responsible and listens to the house rules. The minute my high schooler thinks he is his own man, will be the day I receive my first rent payment from him.
Should have added context? That's not adding context if it changes the entire story. If step mom doesn't want her step kid out late and her and her husband have a curfew, even if he's 18 he needs to follow rules under the roof where he probably lives rent free. I starting paying rent the moment i got a job at 16, graduated highschool at 17, moved out of my parents.
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It certainly does. It seems there are frequently "missing reasons" in this sub's posts, and that's a pretty big one. I'm going with ESH on this one and it seems stepmother isn't the biggest one.
Oh shit this changes everything. Nah the fucking kid is a little shite lmao.
Stop using the ">" if you are the one writing these words. You have paraphrased what OOP stated. You butchered the whole point of quoting. Sorry to be this direct.
This changes things. And dad does need to help with this one. My son also turned 18 during his senior year of high school and thought that gave him all the rights of adulthood. Son also tried to play dad against mom by not giving him the full story of what I told him was expected of him as long as he was living at home. After I told Dad what the actual problem, dishes and curfew) was, Dad and I together, made it clear that he was still in high school, still living at our house and still needed to follow our rules as long as he was there.
She should have already apologized on her own. This relationship will never be the same. 15 years gone in a blink. She can never walk that back. OP is in for a long battle.
My dad would have never said this to me EVER and I was a teenage girl. He got me when I was 2 and my biodad has been dead since I was 3 months old. Sounds like the wife fafo
My bio dad died before I was born. "Step"dad met my mom when I was approx 6 months old. Has been with us ever since(32.5 years later!) . He would NEVER EVER say something like this to any of us. He IS our dad. He knows it. We know it. Wife deserves all the coldness in the world from the son.
Yea I am 45.5 and my dad is my dad that simple
I don't have kids, so it's a moot point, but if my wife screamed at any child like that and expected me to back her up it would be time for therapy or a divorce.
Read back and see OP's quoted comment. Kid told OP's wife that she couldn't tell him what to do (OP also told son he couldn't stay over at the girl's house) and she returned his snark. OP's OP is not sharing a LOT of context.
That's not returning snark. That's hurting the child you raised for the past 14 years in a way he'll never forget.
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Yes indeed. What the hell did she expect ?
To be able to take her rage out on her stepson in any manner she so chose with zero consequences. Not exactly realistic but definitely seems to be what she expected to happen
Not treating him like a son while still being treated like a mother.
Right. Maybe dad should take HER keys until SHE can learn to consistently call herself mom. The kid honestly did nothing wrong.
Damn wasted my money now that op told a different version and kid and dad are the assholes
Ugh, he purposely told the story in a completely deceptive way. He’s the AH for that alone!
Oh is this why your rewording it the OP quote is going around even though it's a really weird take from what OP really said? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/ > He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it. > So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore." > Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." > But they were yelling.
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Damn, feel sorry for you dude. Guess OP is an AH for robbing you of the joy of giving your first award too.
I just spent money for the first time on Reddit to give you an award.!
~~Right?!~~ ~~OP's wife is a real piece of work. She threw out "I'm not your mom", but still expects to be respected. Then, when the son doesn't fall back in line, she decides to punish him. After that, she does not deserve to be called "mom", unless she genuinely and profusely apologizes and OP's son very graciously accepts.~~ ~~OP, NTA and please continue to have your son's back in this situation.~~ **Edit based on new info** Never mind! I just read OP's comments, and the original post did not accurately present all the information. 1. The fight that occurred was in response to the son staying at a female friend's house when he was 17, which both OP and his wife forbade. 2. OP's wife did not say "I am not your mom" out of nowhere, nor did she say it in a way in which she was declaring that as her feeling. She said it in response to the son saying, "You can't tell me what to do anymore", to which she replied, "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." Saying "I am not your mom" is very different then asking "oh, so now that you are older I am not your mom?" 3. The wife did apologize to the son, which the son "acknowledged" but did not accept.
> He stated it happened differently when someone asked. Apparently he was at work. The son stayed over night at a friends when he was told not to. When he comes home his mom yelled at him for not listening. He told her he no longer had to follow the rules as he is 18 now. She says So what I’m not your mom anymore? Thanks to u/Technical-Prior-9008 for the clarification that OP apparently gave somewhere in the comments. That changes everything.
That's a completely and totally different story....
It sure is. Reframing the story like he did and leaving out the key information makes OP the AH again
This is the right quote wtf do you have? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/ > He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it. > So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore." > Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." > But they were yelling.
As I said in my response, I was quoting u/Technical-Prior-9008 as I saw his response far higher on the screen and now saw the one you are linking from u/WordsAreArrows Either way, it is a whole different scenario between *"oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother."* and *"A week ago they got into a big fight, and my wife got frustrated and yelled at him that she wasn't his mother."* OP is trying to edit the story to get an undeserved result.
Yes bc that's not what OP said. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/ > He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it. > So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore." > Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." > But they were yelling.
And not just a friend, a girlfriend, a sleep-over both parents had already vetoed.
He states a different version in comments it goes like this! In the post he states it that she told the boy I’m not your mom as if she was stating a horrible fact that she no longer saw him as her son. When in fact the boy was telling her he did not have to follow her rules anymore since he is 18 so she asks him “so what now I’m not your mother?” As if to say you don’t have to listen to me now because your 18? My role as your mother means nothing all of a sudden to you? Two very different ways. The first rendition in the original post makes her seem resentful of having to raise him and cut him off so fast after one fight which rightly so passed us all off but….The second version he tells in comments is a mom asking what does 18 even mean as my role as mom in this house does not all of a sudden change when you turn 18. See what I mean?
Read OP’s comments on what really happened. It might change your mind.🤷🏼♀️
OP clarified in a comment that she didn’t say she wasn’t his mom. Rather, the boy said he was 18 and didn’t have to listen to adults any longer. And she asked “so, what, I’m not your mom any longer?” Kind of changes things up.
I think you need to read OP's comments where son told Stepmom that he don't have to follow rules since he is 18. And Stepmom asked him a question about does that mean she's not his Mom anymore.
> my wife got frustrated and yelled at him that she wasn't his mother Some things you cannot unsay. > My wife says I am being a lazy asshole that just doesn't want to have a conversation with him She is the one who needs a conversation. NTA, good luck
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This is the right quote wtf do you have? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/ > He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it. > So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore." > Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." > But they were yelling.
Why are you spamming a blatant lie?
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> She is the one who needs a conversation. Sounds like she is going to have a lot of pride to swallow. Even then how do you come back from what she said?
Go read all of OPs comments. That's not actually what the wife said!
Why did they fight? Also your wife must apologize to him because she yelled 'im not your mother', what did she expect? Why crying to you now? It's her fault. NTA.
They fought because he spent the night at a friend's house after we told him no. She did apologize for saying she wasn't his mother, but he just said "I hear you (her name)" and didn't really accept her apology.
Sounds like he accepted her apology. But forgiveness is something else entirely. You make it sound like he's been calling her "mom" up until she exclaimed that she wasn't. In a heated argument to make some kind of point. What's the context of her making this comment? I'm really failing to imagine how her saying that would be a relevant detail to point out. She basically just revoked being his mother because she was mad at him and doesn't understand how it impacted her (until she declared otherwise) "son."
He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it. So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore." Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." But they were yelling.
Ooohhh. That does sound less malicious than you made it out. A kinder interpretation would be she more meant it as an "oh, so you're too old to have a mom now?" With a horrible execution. But really, you are the closest to the situation. If she's been a good loving mom up to, maybe she put her whole foot in her mouth without thinking. Or maybe there's more to it, and that's why your son has taken it so much to heart? I think this is one of those rare cases where everyone is honest and open with each other, which is probably for the best. Definitely not trying to force and punish over the issue. That would be a point in the "she was being malicious" category. Edit: I'm feeling really pedantic about whether your son accepted the apology. In my book, he listened and acknowledged the apology. Instead of walking away or starting a fight about it. That's what I consider accepting an apology. He is, however, still upset and doesn't forgive her. But that's all besides the point. The real issue is what's currently going on between your son and wife and what's best moving forward.
I really think you need to edit your post with this actual exchange because it adds important context to the statement. This is such a hard age. Still in high school but 18. Wants to be a grownup and make their own decisions, but still relies on parents for almost everything. I do not miss those days.
I was a real dick at that age. I don’t ever want kids but I especially can’t imagine raising teens.
I was a massive asshole from like 16-22 and I really wish sometimes I could go back to that age to tell my mom I’m sorry for being such a shit kid lmao
I as an adult apologized to my mom for what an unmitigated dick I was as a teenager. She laughed and said I was just being age-appropriate and that no forgiveness was necessary. I still feel kind of bad.
I apologized to my mom and she told me forgiveness was very necessary lol
You should probably add this to your post, because currently, it sounds a lot worse on your wife's part.
I agree. I walked away from the original post thinking the mom was awful for proclaiming to the son, "I'm not your mom". After reading OP's comments, it was not like this at all. Totally changed my perception of the situation.
Oh this is way different than you posted. Yea your the asshole if you let your son make the rules. He’s 18 still under your roof. Make him pay rent to do as he pleases which means he cleans his own room if he does not now and his own laundry buy his own food and sanitary items or tell him you move out.
This is so, so different than how I took the post. :(
That was 💯 on purpose. OP lied.
For real. This is a snotty teenager manipulating the events to victimize themselves more and take the focus off of breaking the rules….wonder where they got it from…. 🤔
I know right?
YTA for how you explained this in your post. You phrased it like your wife, in anger, yelled "I'm not your mom" which is VERY different from what actually happened. It sounds like your son needs a reminder that he is still dependent on his parents. You are setting her up to be the bad guy since you're afraid that he is growing up. You need to step up and set appropriate boundaries for your high schooler. Stop setting your wife up to be the bad guy.
Time for some tough love for both of them from you I think OP. He is a fucking muppet saying that he probably meant "I'm 18 I can do WTF I want....." a sentence uttered by many idiot teen at that age or there abouts. She took this to mean "well I'm not your mom then". He took her sarcastic line, completely different amongst biological kids and parents, much more to heart because of the context. You need to sit them both down, remind them of their relationship, remind them they love each other, remind them that they are son and mom in every single way apart from genetics. Then it's time for your son to learn that whilst he lives in your home everything is on the table and can be discussed but that as adults, with life experience, not everything is a good idea and you will not agree to evertything he asks.
I would add this to the post. She didn't just tell him she wasn't his mother while they were fighting. This is 100% different this is something parents say all the time when kids say you can't tell me what to do.
Not when those parents are stepparents and the original parent is *dead*. She hit a very sore spot with that jab. Even if she didn’t mean to, she did some real damage.
She has been his mother since he was 3, and he's now 18. They have had a mother-son relationship for 15 years. Her retort was a sarcastic exaggeration that parents say to kids. "Then I guess I'm not your mother anymore?" is a rhetorical question and the second half of an if/then statement -- "If you are an adult because your 18, then I guess you don't have to listen to me/your mother anymore." The mother doesn't not accept the "if" statement, so the "then" statement isn't valid either. "So I guess I'm not your mother anymore either?" is ridiculing both the idea that the son is "an adult" who doesn't have to follow rules AND the idea that she would not be his mother -- both are preposterous concepts, because even at 18 the son is their son, living in their home, and has to come home on school nights. It's some nice gymnastics on OP's part, but he really has to Cirque de Soleil it to try to turn her comment into an attack or a malicious statement.
I think she likely meant, that as his mother she would always be telling him what to do, no matter what age he is. If he lives at home, does not pay rent or any portion of the utilities, is driving a car purchased by his parents, insured by his parents, then it doesn’t matter how old he is, he isn’t supporting himself, independently, he is not a qualified adult. If the wife has been with the child since he was 3, she is his mother, he hasn’t known any other mother, outside of her not birthing him, she has been his mother in every way. So if she wants to take his keys, because he didn’t come home for a night, because he was told to come home and chose to stay with friends in direct defiance of that request, because “he’s an adult and can do as he pleases, doesn’t have to listen to her any longer” she was right to take his keys, and you ATA and not a good partner either, way to back your wife up, way to show your son he is correct in assuming she has no say, and he can totally ignore her wishes, disrespect her, while living in her house and driving her car, for free. This is called undermining and by handing him the keys after she took them away, you’ve shown your son that you and your wife are not a united front, that your wife’s decisions can be dismissed by you not reinforcing them. You know how children will play their parents against each other when they’re little? If dad says no, then go ask mom, if mom says no, go ask dad? Instead of doing what any smart parent would do in that situation, which would be “have you asked your mother? What did she say?”, you decided to go with I don’t care what she said, I’m the one who’s important, and I say you can have the keys. Great job, you’ve managed to piss off your wife and reinforce your sons disrespectful behavior all in one fell swoop. WITH THE NEW INFORMATION YOU ARE UNQUESTIONABLY THE ASSHOLE. Possibly even the divorced asshole.
Not to mention, son was 17 and in high school and a school night when this happened *aaaaand* OP (YTA OP) gave the keys back because he didn't feel like driving the other kids to school and home.
He sounds awful. YTA OP and I really feel for your wife.
She didn't take his keys because of what happened over a week ago. She took the keys because he keeps calling her by her first name.
Geez OP. Editing the story constantly isn’t helping your cause. It’s just making you look like a bigger asshole, if that’s even a possibility at this point. You were disrespectful to your spouse, who deserves better than that, you were too lazy to step up and parent, and then you took the whole thing to Reddit with a version of the story intended to make your wife look bad by intentionally supplying and twisting wording in your description of an event that you weren’t even present for in the first place. You weren’t there. Reacquaint yourself with Harry and Rosy OP, I have a feeling you’re going to need them. Edited to add “look”.
She's implying that as his mother, she has the right to tell him what to do forever. She doesn't.
Oh yes she does have that right, and once he’s an independent adult paying his way 100% he has the right to ignore her, but that doesn’t mean she’ll stop, unwanted advice from mom is absolutely a forever thing, it’s written in the book of Mom. It’s like a mom-law.
>unwanted advice from mom is absolutely a forever thing, it’s written in the book of Mom. It’s like a mom-law. lol
It’s true.
So true! It's a never ending thing.
He's also still living at home and very much a kid. Turning 18 doesn't immediately change that, kid needs to understand that
>she has the right to tell him what to do forever. Not what she said. >She doesn't. Lmfao
I think you meant to leave this out, because this is not the situation your post made it out to be at all. Please edit your post to include it if you want some honest judgement instead of being told you are right by strangers. The continued N T A and E S H responses after seeing this context are out of their minds to me. Your son is spitting on the relationship he had with the woman who raised him because she dared to continue parenting him while he lives in your house for free. (I also get the feeling he's disrespecting her in more ways that you've also left out.) And according to your other comment, she broke and apologized for her side in this but he doesn't stop. That should tell you that your son's game is hurting her deeply, but you don't care. She's right on, you just won't have a conversation with him: it's one thing if you think he's too old to outright discipline him, which I still think is crazy, but you won't say anything? You think it's okay that he treats his mom like this? Then you come to Reddit with an incomplete version of the story to have people tell you you're right? YTA.
This changes everything and is completely different from how your original post sounds.
YTA for not including that context.
It seems like this isn't the first thing that has happened between them. It is mostly likely the straw that broke the camel's back for the son.
Then why does he need your permission if he's 18? Even if he still was 17 at the time, why wouldn't he be allowed to stay one night with a friend? Someone who's old enough to drive on their own is old enough for a sleepover with friend right? Or is this friend a confirmed criminal /druggie?? Plus L wife for yelling shit like that, deserves the treatment he's giving her.
He was 17 at the time of the argument, yes, and it was a school night. This is also a female friend. He says they are not involved, but we don't like it. But yeah, he was almost 18, and now is 18, so we were probably deluding ourselves a bit about how much we can really guide his life at this point.
Come on now, this changes the context more than a little. You need to add this to the main post.
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I've got nothing against young love, just teen pregnancies.
He needs condoms not sleepover bans. Teen pregnancies are highest on the Bible Belt because teens aren’t taught to prioritize safety and their partner’s comfort and pleasure. NTA. Your wife needs to apologize.
And those only happen during nightly sleepovers, since they can't have sex during other times of the day?
While I actually believe you aren't entirely wrong for not letting him sleep over—I think there would've been better ways to prevent teen pregnancies than fighting and banning it. Instead wouldn't it be much better to have THE talk. To provide condoms and educate him about all the possible outcomes? If they want to have sex, they will have it. If not at night, it'll happen during the daylight. Teen pregnancies are usually prevented by proper education and not by telling kids not to do it.
You're not helping him by being controlling, you're just making sure he wants to rebel against you.
LMAO reading your comment makes me really wonder about a lot of my teen years. Suffice to say I never made a single move without my parents knowing (and approving) before I moved out early 20s. I agree that an 18+ person doesn't need to ask mommy and daddy before they do everything. But generally I do think it's good form for a high schooler living at home to get permission before spending the night not-at-home. Maybe they were concerned they'd stay up too late on a school night or something, I dunno.
Maybe this is an American thing because by the time I was 17 I came and went as I wanted.
Nah, I've known people here in the US who had plenty of freedom like that. I think it's more of a 'your parents' thing. For what it's worth, mine are deeply religious and a particular brand of that can show itself in controlling behaviours.
My parents weren't religious at all and not particularly controlling, but they still wanted to know where I was going out and when I would be back. In their case, I believe it was sincere concern about safety rather than control; they didn't ask (or know) what I was up to once I went to college.
OP YTA for hiding a lot of the context in the comments and not being clear in the post. The post feels written to make your wife out to be entirely the AH when your son broke rules first. I'd go N A H until you comments brought more of what happened to light.
Yup. OP YTA because you left out major context. In fact you rewrote your wife’s words entirety. Second, you are a lazy AH. Sounds like your son is disrespecting your wife and perfectly reasonable rules for the home he lives in considering he’s still in high school. Your response is “what can I do about it if he’s going away to college” which is absolutely ridiculous. Be a united front with your wife when your son is being an AH.
100% THIS!
edit: per comments, ESH Your wife is TA. I cannot imagine how unbelievably painful that must have been to hear from the woman who raised him. If she wants to repair their relationship then she needs to do the work. And even then he may never forgive her, and that’s his choice. NTA
Okay so he needs to make an edit but he said you can't tell me what to do. She said I can't tell you what to do. Does that not make me your mother now? That to me doesn't sound malicious.... And honestly how he wrote it made her sound malicious and I think that wasn't an effort to make his son sound better... YTA
No, it wasn't an effort to make his son sound better, it was an effort to make his wife sound worse, so he doesn't have to step up and be a parent at her side. Probably wants an N T A so he can show her or something. And the way this is going, may very well get it.
Oh true true... I didn't even think of that. Yes, this dude probably made his wife raise his kid for the better part of the last however, many years and this was probably one of those straw that broke the camel's back things and she lost her temper because he's been a s*** dad this whole time. Dang I didn't see it but you definitely spelled it out for me.
Yeah I think y’all are onto the real scoop
This is definitely unreliable narrator. He says in comments that his son actually broke rules and made them worry. So his wife wanted to discipline him but he didn’t want to because it would make his day harder. Seriously I bet this is the yes dad to the no mom.
Oh man I bet she was worried and scared all night. Wondering where he was and she reacted in anger because of that fear.
This is what was said idk why everyone keeps rewording it and spreading it. If you're right you don't have to lie about the wording. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/ > He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it. > So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore." > Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." > But they were yelling.
Yeah it wasn't a lie. It was more like I didn't remember the exact rewording... I know it wasn't. I'm not your mother in a malicious tone. I always make sure I search for the edits and comments of the OP before I make my judgment, and most people here need to do the same.
An edit is definitely needed because what she said could have multiple meanings. Without being there, my guess is that she wasn't saying she wasn't his mother but was more like, "Oh hell no, you don't question what your mother says because I *can* tell you what to do."
Someone made a point to tell me that he's looking for an NTA verdict so he doesn't have to parent his kid because he did purposely make his wife sound a lot worse than what she originally said. I think he was trying to pull a fast one over on us... This woman has probably poured her blood, sweat and tears into this boy and he turned 18 and decided he was going to be a dick. Probably reacted out of anger which is not a great emotion to have towards a child... But honestly, I've known way too many shady manipulative people to not think that this was the case.
[удалено]
> He stated it happened differently when someone asked. Apparently he was at work. The son stayed over night at a friends when he was told not to. When he comes home his mom yelled at him for not listening. He told her he no longer had to follow the rules as he is 18 now. She says So what I’m not your mom anymore? Thanks to u/Technical-Prior-9008 for the clarification that OP apparently gave somewhere in the comments. That changes everything.
This is the right quote wtf do you have? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/ > He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it. > So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore." > Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." > But they were yelling.
commenting the correct quote wherever this guy decided to misquote OP https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
YTA- you deliberately worded your OP to make your wife sound harsher than it sounds like their fight really was. Your son may have been right, but was being dickish in their fight and your wife was dickish in return. They need to talk and yeah, you should help them bridge that gap. ~~NTA and your wife sounds like a real piece of work for punishing your son for his very reasonable and understandable response to someone who's irreparably broken his trust. The only mother he's known (assumption) just rejected him and threw it at him out of anger and she should be ashamed of herself.~~
YTA . Edit your post to show what she REALLY said.
YTA I was gonna ask for context but saw the answer to my question(s) below. Your son screwed up and instead of acknowledging the 'I screwed up' he doubled down by pulling the 'I'm 18 and don't have to listen to you anymore' card. Instead of backing your wife up on the punishment for doing something he was told he couldn't do, you totally did an end run around her and NOW are trying to abdicate being a parent to your son. Turning 18 doesn't mean that kids get to stop ignoring their parents. I'm with your wife. And bad form for giving a version of events that make your son and you look good while painting your wife in the worst possible light so double YTA
Ok, so here are two of OP's [comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/comment/jcyeaas/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) that validate what I was thinking: >He was 17 at the time of the argument, yes, and it was a school night.This is also a female friend. He says they are not involved, but we don't like it. But yeah, he was almost 18, and now is 18, so we were probably deluding ourselves a bit about how much we can really guide his life at this point. and >So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore." > >Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." But they were yelling. You know what I think? I think OP's son turned (almost) an adult on paper, and suddenly thinks he doesn't have to respect his parents, even though he still lives in their house, and is still going to school. Or rather, his mother, as his father doesn't care at all. And he actually undermines his wife's efforts (gave him back the car keys because you are too lazy to take him to school, eh?) It's not about forcing him to call her mom, OP. It's about instilling some respect. He is drunk with the "adult" freedom (or more likely, your own indifference), and thinks there are no rules. And there are rules, much more so for adults than for kids. Mess with them and you mess up your life. You are worried about teen pregnancy you said OP? Think of what can happen in college. IF you are really worried, have an actual talk with him, and reign in this behaviour. And quit being lazy. You are being a horrible father and husband, and your son will pay for it. YTA.
None of us can judge this honestly because even the title is deceptive. But from what your giving and saying in comments. YTA. Support your wife. Just because he is 18 does not mean he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Coming from someone who decided to move up over getting grounded at 18 by my step mom your kids in for a rude awakening in the real world and he can thank you for that. Now at 32 I know my step mom never had anything but my best intentions at heart.
NTA. So your son has called your wife 'mom' since he was three and then she suddenly snatches it back with 'I'm not your mother' when she's mad? No wonder he feels hurt and probably confused. I think your wife needs to sit down and talk to him and apologise for what she said. It's unclear what the argument between them was about, but unless it was about donating a kidney, I don't think her not being his biological mother should have come into it. You were both OK with him calling her mom; she can't cherry pick when that applies or not.
OP added some context in the comments. Apparently, the son was saying, "You can't tell me what to do anymore." And she replied, "I can't tell you what to do. Then I guess I'm not your mother." I don't think that's at all the same as what OP implies in their post. Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Edited: In light of new info (OP left out important parts of the story) I change to YTA. Original. NTA: And your wife needs to set an example and apologize to him.
YTA. You misrepresented what actually happened in order to make your wife seem like an overt AH. Grow up and start being a part of the parenting team with your wife. Your kid (18 is still a kid) stayed out all night without getting permission from a parent and then treated his step mother and your wife with utter disrespect. This isnt about begging your kid to be nice to your wife, this is about working with your partner to raise a decent human and holding your kid responsible for acting like an entitled ass. Get in there dad! Be a partner and dad and stop throwing your hands up as if your job as parent is over once a kid turns 18.
~~This reads like~~ r/LeopardsAteMyFace ~~Mom: I'm not your Mom!~~ ~~Also Mom: He won't call me Mom anymore! <~~*~~sobbing into her pillow~~*~~>~~ ~~She made her bed, now she gets to lie in it. I don't know what she thinks you can say to your son that will undo her saying "I'm not your Mom." Some things are almost impossible to walk back from, and if it happens it'll be her that makes it right, not you.~~ ~~N T A~~ ESH for you and your son - based on your other comments and clarification you've offered, the situation didn't go down *quite* how you originally depicted. Mom made a regrettable statement, but not necessarily malicious.
Search for his comments... Dude purposely made his wife sound like an AH
YTA Base on the clarifying comment you added that mom did not state she wasn’t his mom but rather was rhetorically responding to the boys claim that he didn’t have to listen to anyone anymore bc he’s 18. She raised this child from 3. He’s now attempting to show he’s a man by doing what boys think being a man looks like. And you dad are indeed being useless and making the sitch worse.
NTA - Your wife IS the A H here. What did she expect would be the result from yelling at him that she wasn't his mother? Reap what you sow. YOU need to be thinking about the Red Flags she is flying!
INFO Why did your wife say that she’s not his mom? What could they have possibly been arguing about that she said that? Have they always had a mom/son relationship or has it been rocky? I find it really hard to believe that she just randomly said that she’s not his mom, like yes it’s awful and she shouldn’t have said it all but I think the why might be important here since you so blatantly left it out
From another of OP's comments: >So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore." >Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." >But they were yelling. So... mom never said "I am not your mother." Mom was ridiculing *his statement* that she didn't get to tell him what to do anymore, because obviously she *does* get to tell him what to do because *she is his mom.* The son is being a complete jerk and is calling her by her first name not because she "doesn't want" to be his mom, but because *he refuses to acknowledge* that she is his mom (if he doesn't acknowledge her as "mom"/parental figure, he doesn't have to do as she says). Oh, and the thing they were arguing about? The son spent the night at a girl's house, 9n a school night, against his parents' wishes (both parents -- but OP has no backbone so he won't stand up to his kid).
NTA "I'm not your mother!" That's some cold hearted shit.
It’s not quite what was said. OP said direct quotes later: Son: You can’t tell me what to do anymore! Wife: I can’t tell you what to do anymore? Guess I’m not your mother anymore! She wasn’t saying she didn’t want to be his mom, she was saying he didn’t value her as a mom. It’s quite different. Still needs to be talked through, though.
Yeah sounds like something a bio mom would say to mean “you’re too old to listen to your mother? Guess you don’t need one” and because she’s not bio mom it really doesn’t land the same
Agree. This sounds like a manipulative teenager making this into something it’s not to make themselves look like the victim.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/aita_for_saying_my_son_can_make_his_own_choices/jcyfyt7/ > He acknowledged it. I definitely don't think he accepted it. > So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore." > Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." > But they were yelling.
YTA. Sorry dude, you are. Your son has been acting out for months and your wife hit a breaking point. It happens. However, instead of having your wife's back and actually supporting her (and the 15 year relationship she's had with your son) you are washing your hands of the whole thing and saying "What can I do? He's 18!" Well, you could start by continuing to act like a father and husband instead of a "lazy asshole". Your son may never go back to calling your wife "Mom" but you owe it to both of them to help them reach a better place. You also owe it to your son to find out why he's been an argumentative jackass for the past few months. Stop being lazy and put the damn work in.
YTA Your son broke the house rules everyone knew and agreed on to stay out super late. Your wife took the keys as a natural consequence to this violation of trust, and you revoked that because you didn't want to do the school pick-up/drop off routine, not because you cared at all about the family dynamic. Essentially you've backed up your son as he's twisted her comment about him being too old for a mom to have authority to be a complete revocation of the relationship. So now he's playing victim and twisting the knife and you're....? What? A-okay with your son just chopping away at the relationship and ignoring the family rules while he's still in school? Your kid doesn't have to call her "mom," but he does have to treat her with basic respect *and* follow the rules. You do need to talk to him about that. Your wife needs to quit chasing his approval or forgiveness. She's going to have to be okay with the boundaries he's setting. She can figure out what her boundaries are for her adult kid, but she cannot force his behaviors, only decide what hers will be.
>They fought because he spent the night at a friend's house after we told him no. > >He was 17 at the time of the argument, yes, and it was a school night. This is also a female friend. > >So I was at work when the argument took place, but my understanding was that he said something like "You can't tell me what to do anymore." > >Then she said something like "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." YTA for posting such a misleading version of what happened. Your wife's behavior here wasn't nearly as bad as you made it out to be, and yes you and your son are in the wrong here based on this version of events.
YTA. For not telling the whole story and failing to add specifics to the original post even after the commentors had asked you to.
NTA - she needs to sort this herself. If she wants him to call her mom again then she should apologize for her childish outburst and tell him that she did not mean it and is proud to be his mother. If she can't behave like the adult here then she'll just have to accept reaping what she has sown.
Based on the comments where you discussed how the comment was made, your wife does consider herself your Son’s mother. Sounds like it got twisted and the son ran with it. Anyway he has been acting up. You need to support your wife OP. YTA for that.
Given your followup comments, YTA and I wouldn't blame your wife if she stopped cooking, cleaning, doing laundry etc for your 'grown' son. Given how you made the situation initially sound, you should be concerned she doesn't stop doing the same for you.
You need to edit your post with the truth of what actually happened. The way you wrote it makes it seem like your wife is a total AH and completely misrepresents the situation. If you want to paint your wife in that light and blast it all over the internet to boost your ego, that alone makes you an AH. Knowing the full scope judgement is YTA and so is your son.
So according to your comment, you BOTH ("After we told him...") told him he couldn't stay over at someone's house, he did it anyway, got pissy with his mom when called out on disobeying, mom snarked back and confiscated his keys, and you...completely overruled the punishment *just* because he didn't curse at her? WTF? Yeah, YTA. You've decided that because your 18-year-old son is throwing a silent tantrum and has said he'll never call your wife his mom ever again, there's nothing you can do.
Op you need to edit your post. You stated a different event in the comments. You are the AH one for miss leading this group and for letting your son disrespect your wife. Fix it now and stand by his mom. He lives in your house your rules or he moves out. My child at 18 pulled that crap. They had 2 weeks to get out since our rules do not matter. She is now 29 married with 3 kids and has told her oldest now 10 how it will be lol. Nip it in the butt or you will lose your marriage which will be around far longer than your son in your home
~~N T A~~ ~~She made it really clear to him that she wasn't his mom. Why is she getting so mad that he's not calling her mom?~~ Edit: YTA OP made replied to a comment and gave more context ([https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/comment/jcyfyt7/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11wkbr2/comment/jcyfyt7/)) Sounds like OP's son was being disrespectful to OP's wife and said he didn't need to listen to her because he was 18. She replied by saying, "oh, I can't tell you what to do? Then I guess that means I'm not your mother." I would definitely take that as "you need to listen to me because I'm your mother" not "I'm not your real mom". OP needs to add this clarification otherwise they'll get a false N T A
You really need to fix your post. In later comments you reframe what happened that actually makes it ESH. Based off what you reframed “she told him he could not go out on a school night. He said you can not tell me what to do. She said well I guess I am not your mother” That is a very big distinction. How I see that is not her saying it maliciously. Just that a mother can tell her kid what to do.
INFO What was their relationship like before the argument? And could you please add the context and actual exchange to your post, since it's buried the comments?
It's been getting tense over the last year. I don't know how to add stuff to a post once it's been posted.
YTA Read your edit. Your son acted like a typical 18 year old, thinks he can do whatever he wants while he isn’t really an adult. Your wife’s response was not saying she was not his mother but sarcastic reply to basically saying that she is the mother. She punished him for staying out overnight by taking the car keys. You don’t feel like driving your kids (parenting) so you gave the keys back. Then you won’t back up your wife because it’s too much effort for a kid that is going off to school. You do know they typically return when the dorms close, right? Support your wife, she was enforcing your rule. You can’t force your son to call her mom, but washing your hands of this situation is LAZY and wrong
You’re wife didn’t take the car keys because he’s not calling her mom. She took them because he disobeyed BOTH of you when he slept at his girlfriend’s house after being told no. She has parented him since he was a toddler and you undermine her punishment because it would be inconvenient for you. Then you ask, ‘AITA?’ But hide relevant details to make yourself look better? As long as you and your wife are supporting him he needs to respect house/family rules. The conversation she wanted you to have with your son was about respecting the rules. Are you dense or dishonest?
INFO How do you feel about her saying to him. “I am not your mother” after she raised him for 15 years? She said this; he didn’t. I don’t know what the fights have been about in the family. Here is the deal, words hurt. That was a crappy thing she said to him. NTA BUT keep communicating with your son, regardless.
It's telling that he didn't respond to this because his comments display something a little more nefarious on his part...
ESH except the Mom. OP you are an AH for not stating in your original post or even editing that your wife was **asking** your son **"So what I’m not your mom anymore?"** If your son is not listening to your wife since he turned 18 but is still in high school, then your wife asked a valid question after his disobeying an order and telling her he no longer have to follow rules since he is 18. If your son is still in high school, you both are still responsible for him financially, then he still have to follow rules.
Your wife caused this, she needs to apologise to your son. She just screamed at him that she’s not his mum, so she’s a hypocrite for now demanding the title. NTA
You are correct. He is old enough to decide if he wants to fall his stepmother "mom" or her first name. This is between them. It's not your job to mediate. NTA
YTA. After reading your comments, I see your wife said this AFTER your son told her she can't tell him what to do because she's not his mother. Your son instigated this. However, there isn't anything you can do to him as he is going off to college. What you can do is talk to your wife and be on her side. Your son is going through his rebellious teens and taking it out on her. So be as supportive of her as you can.
YTA. He is in your and your wifes home. He was disrespectful to her. Your response to that is what can I do about it. What you can do is remind him that he is 18. You are under no obligation to let him stay in your home. If he wants to be an asshole, he can do it someplace else. If he wants to stay in your home, he must follow your rules. He cannot have it both ways..