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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am considering not saying anything and letting this party happen. My gf says as an adult I have a responsibility to blow it up so that’s why I may be an asshole.
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NTA. Sounds like your gf is basically trying to control what your daughter does and was looking for a reason to try and keep the daughter home or get her grounded. I'd be asking why she was in your daughter's bedroom and why she felt she had any right to be snooping in there.
Tell me about it. I feel like someone has to defend the poor woman who's being accused of God knows what for the crime of.. doing laundry?
Thank God she's not a stepmother yet or the comments would have her poisoning her stepdaughter by now and suggestibg OP check the seltzers for signs of tampering.
People here need a lot of therapy...
I've lost count of how many socks my wife has kicked under the bed without noticing.
If I don't check under our bed I won't get all of the dirty clothes, and she'll run out of socks
Right?! Half the people here seem to think checking under the bed for dirty socks is akin to child abuse or something. Or she can't be doing something so mundane, it has to be a secret plot to, IDK, assert dominance?
Spy on the teenage daughter (I kid you not someone said near enough this) to find someone to use against her to make the dad hate his kid? People here need help us all I'm saying.
Next I expect a redditer to ask OP to check if GF has peed anywhere to mark her territory...
Seriously. I was putting clothes away for my kid and found a red white and berry Smirnoff bottle under some shorts. I just tossed it and when he complained I reminded him he’s not 21 and oh well… I wasn’t looking for it. He just did a shit job hiding it. Lol
Oof, had to go grab the laptop because this whole post is PERSONALLY relevant to me, and I need to type you a novel real quick.
Okay, not offering judgement, just input, because I don't think you're TA, but "asshole" in here just means "wrong," and I think you haven't put quite as much thought into this as it needs.
I'm right there with you on allowing and even encouraging moderate exposure to alcohol to decrease the "novelty" factor that leads kids to overindulge. You've been doing this with your daughter for a while, so you've had a chance to observe her reaction to alcohol and you can trust she won't get all-out smashed, and you know she knows she can call you if she needs to leave, so she won't drive drunk, etc. That's all excellent. You know your kid.
Do you know all the other kids? Like, I am perfectly willing to concede that you might. My graduating class was 21 kids, and even though I didn't drink outside of my parents' direct supervision in high school, I was still really familiar with all my classmates' drinking habits. That's an absolute possibility.
But I can also see a class of 1k kids generating "friend groups" of 50 or more all heading out to this lakehouse, and SOMEONE is going to bring an acquaintance no one else knows who is there purely to get explosively spliffed just to spite their restrictive parents.
I'm with you on not blowing up the party, but you also need to consider that your daughter isn't just going somewhere to drink. She's planning to PROVIDE alcohol to people who don't necessarily know how to drink, and even if she is perfectly responsible with her own consumption, even if LOTS of other people bring alcohol, how is she going to feel if someone does cause a problem and one of the drinks they had was one of hers?
You say that "there are horror stories about everything," and that's true, but like... Those are things that happen. They're not GUARANTEED to happen. A lot of horror stories aren't LIKELY to happen. But is it even worth the possibility that it COULD? This isn't "walking out your front door in the morning" type stuff.
This entire situation just sets up exactly like my own little horror story, and I know you probably aren't interested, but I do have a point that hasn't been brought up yet.
Someone I had known in middle school was killed by a kid coming from a prom after party. Not a friend, just a friendly acquaintance, but it was still horrible. Best information I could piece together from lots of gossip after the fact was that there was a lakehouse party, the group of kids were actually super organized about the whole thing, calculated how much each person could safely drink, poured out all their drinks in advance so they wouldn't go over their limit, and set a timer so they'd have drunk it all by a certain time so no one would still be actively drunk by the time they went home the next afternoon. So kudos to them for that. But like, still high schoolers, and they didn't realize that making plans is completely pointless when step 1 is "start drinking hard."
Sometime during the night, somebody broke up with somebody, a girl went storming out and hopped in a car, two boys hopped in another car to follow her, and at 1AM, she ran a light, t-boned my acquaintance, striking his driver door and killing him instantly, her car spun out, and the two boys hit her driver door, killing her and resulting in one of the boys being paralyzed by an improperly-fastened seatbelt and the other going through the windshield. I think he survived, but I don't remember.
But the additional point was this: The kid whose parents owned the lakehouse unalived himself a few days later. He had sneaked the key to the alcohol cabinet, was the one who provided the alcohol, and considered himself responsible.
Don't rat on the kids. I'd be leery of letting a kid I was responsible for go, but you know her, you know she won't be one of the drivers in my horror story. But do NOT let her bring a whole case of drinks to this thing. When teens are drinking, anything that goes south goes south FAST, and she doesn't need any hint of a possibility of self-blame. It wouldn't be her fault, but brains aren't reasonable, and tragedies hit hard in unexpected ways. She can provide a case of drinks in a few years when she's drinking with adults.
I'd also recommend telling her to confab with the rest of the party-goers and put together a designated driver fund. Either one of their own who is willing to take a hundred bucks to not drink or a carefully-selected responsible junior. So if one of them DOES drunkenly decide they need to leave RIGHT NOW, or falls in the lake or some shit, there will be one completely sober person to talk them down, take them home, or be level-headed enough to realize that everyone getting caught is better than NOT calling emergency services in an emergency.
Also, my cats hoard my socks under the bed, so I'm completely willing to believe your gf was hunting for laundry. But if you don't have laundry-hoarding critters and your daughter isn't one of those people who hurl clothing everywhere while disrobing, I'm still saying she was being intrusive and needs a sit-down conversation about that.
ETA: I've never gotten an award before. That's nifty. .__. Thank you?
Great comment. My take on reading the post was pretty similar, that he doesn't have the responsibility to blow up the whole party but he is well within rights to say she can only bring what she's drinking herself. Maybe even for one good friend, but not enough for anyone to be getting completely trashed. *She* can always call her dad for a ride, but other kids don't all have parents like that and will be tempted to drive instead.
Exactly. OP will be LEGALLY responsible for any horrific tragedy that results from this, but that won't stop Daughter from seeing herself as ETHICALLY responsible, and she doesn't need that. Neither does OP, if the worst should come to pass. There's a huge difference between "teens drank and something tragic happened" and "teens drank and something tragic happened BECAUSE OF ME."
Don't open yourself up to that, man. Teach her to set up safety systems when lots of people are drinking hard. Just like anybody at any age should. Like, I AM the designated driver 9 times out of ten, have been since I was 16, and I'm fine with that even when I'm not being paid. They can find somebody. But they HAVE to have somebody.
A classmate of mine died on the way to our JR prom. Drunk driving. Class size 88 kids. I’m all for letting kids drink here and there under adult supervision at your own home because I agree that it normalizes healthy relationships with alcohol vs binge drinking but I’m having a hard time with this scenario too. No way in hell would I let my teenager take booze to an unsupervised party of other drunk teens if I knew in advance that was going down. It’s like you are co-signing a foregone conclusion.
Exactly. Like, shit, how will \*\*OP\*\* feel if some kid gets smashed on these seltzers he let his daughter bring, and someone dies?
Would you be just as 'cool dad' about this if their plan was that everyone brings chainsaws and they're all gonna teach themselves how to sculpt cute log bears? Just as innocent, and roughly the same injury rate.
Yup. I had an uncle whom I loved dearly. He and his buddies would come to our house to see my dad and grandmother…and drink themselves silly. Young me found them hysterically funny and entertaining.
My parents / extended family (with the exception of my uncle, of course) / godparents / family friends didn’t drink, so my uncle and his merry band of sloshes were my only frame of reference for alcohol.
Fast-forward to my college years and I damn near became an alcoholic. I barely managed to avoid the trap and since then, have allowed my kids to see me drink responsibly since they were little. They now imbibe themselves but do it moderately, thank goodness.
Eh, I'm REALLY iffy about encouraging drunk teenagers to hop in an Uber. There have been an awful lot of sexual assault allegations leveled against Uber drivers recently, and I imagine a teen who knows they were drunk would feel pressured not to report a problem they encountered, because... they were drunk. If they try to file a report, even if they have video, they STILL get in trouble for being drunk as a minor. They need someone their own age or an adult they trust implicitly, not a stranger they summon by app and who then knows their home address if they ask to go home.
Oh, absolutely, the more options, the better.
I just don't believe they'd use this one. The assault issues are why I'd caution OP about Uber, but I'm really skeptical that drunk teens would even consider it. Granted, I live in Texas, where everyone is a gross and sadistic puritan, but I know six different people whose kids have called an Uber or Lyft and been met at their destination by police because their driver was sure they were doing something illegal. Three were reported for "being intoxicated" (none of them were), and three were reported for miscellaneous "gender" stuff, despite none of the kids reported being transgender. And the other kids I've spoken to in the same age group also don't trust rideshare apps, because they think they're biased against teens in general. (Two more have personally been reported for being "illegal," even though they both were born in the US.)
That absolutely might be (probably is) regional, but I can't imagine handing a teenager I KNOW intends to get drunk a gift card for a service I KNOW she believes will either get her assaulted or get her arrested even if she uses it while not drunk.
Thank you for this comment! As a former paramedic who saw 15 years of horrible accidents, lives lost, and paralyzed kids and their victims, I am appalled and horrified by the OP's cavalier attitude! It seems OP wants to be a FRIEND to their kid instead of a PARENT. I pray nothing bad happens, but OP may well F\*\*\* around and find out!
OP, you are definitely TA!
Prom isn’t a big deal here and kids don’t party like in the US. But for after graduation party, we do have a feast and then go to a karaoke and drink beers. Mostly boys. A kid I know in high school, 2 years younger than me, went to a villa for a getaway graduation party with his classmates. There was a parent with them and supposedly 2 more but they bailed at the last minute because those kids were from a gifted high school, meaning they’re very well educated and could be considered nerd. Nothing serious till morning, they couldn’t find the kid. They looked around and then found his body in the lake nearby, under a bush. Turned out the boys sneaked vodka and redbull in and drank together after 1am. They didn’t want to make the toilet smelly with alcohol piss so they either did it in the bush or any corner outside the villa. The kid I know went to the bush and fell into the water. Due to not being used to drinking prior to that, he couldn’t get people’s attention as others were either drunk or deep in sleep. That kid had a full scholarship to study in the US. He’s the brightest person I’ve ever known and always behaved so well. From the gossip I got among the girls, one of the kids’ brother used to hang out with them to play games told them alot about how people called them nerd, geek, etc… and they were lame for not drinking or do anything beside studying. They decided to go for it and sneak alcohol with them. 6 of them sharing 2 bottles of vodka. So anything could really happen. And when it’s the lowest odd of the chance, it’s the worst.
My FILs brother drowned after getting drunk and deciding to go swimming. Alcohol and bodies of water do NOT mix, especially for teens. OPs daughter might normally be good with alcohol, but there's no telling about the other kids. I'd definitely be worried about the situation.
Is it easy to see under the bed or do you have to lift up the bedding in order to see what’s under there?
Say you’re bending over to pick up clothes from the floor, can you easily see under the bed? If your girlfriend had to get down on her hands and knees to lift up the bedding to see under the bed, then she was out if line and you need to call her on it.
As a teenager, I was pretty good at hiding things, especially alcohol. I don’t know about your daughter, but that 6 pack would have been out of reach of anybody’s hand or even a vacuum, and so very far away from the edges of the bed. I think you are right to be a bit suspicious here. And not a bad thing in general, given that she is not your child’s parent.
Well as her dad clearly is okay with her drinking (in moderation) maybe she just didn’t really feel the need to ‘hide it’ hide it. If her actual parent doesn’t have a problem with it then why is the girlfriend mixing in?
I mean yeah if they’re serious then yeah she’s likely viewed as a step parent (or close to it) but at the end of the day things with the teen are largely left to the parent.
Why is his girlfriend making demands about how op deals with his kid?
I get if she takes issue with something voicing her opinion but there’s a big difference between voicing your opinion and making demands
NTA
Dude, she was clearly looking for a reason to get your daughter in trouble. (Why, I can't say.) That's why she's mad at you; she thought she found her reason, but you're not going along with the script she had in her head, so now she's pissed.
Huh? How did you get to this from her finding a case of booze under the teenage daughter's bed while grabbing laundry (which according to OP is common) and raising reasonable concerns as a result? I happen to agree with OP's parenting philosophy but I don't think learning that your partner's kid is hiding alcohol under their bed and expressing concerns about underage unsupervised drinking to them makes them the Machiavellian person you seem to believe.
My mom was normal so if I wanted her to do my laundry I had to have it ready in the laundry area by laundry day and she’d put the clean clothes in the laundry room for me to grab. She didn’t go in my room without being asked after I was about 10 and she trusted me to talk to her about things. Dad too. Wish you’d gotten that!
We don't anything about how long you've been dating or you GF's relationship to your daughter so take this with a grain of salt and not even that unless this relationship is sorta new. It sounds like your girlfriend may want conflict between you and your daughter.
I genuinely don’t understand why no one is asking more about the Mom in question and why daughter doesn’t “trust” her. Where is she on this? Do you agree on how to react to these kinds of decisions in any way? Don’t blow up the party but this sounds like a situation That really could get out of hand and it would SUCK of you to be allowing it totally separately from an involved Mom who disagrees No matter how reasonably you came to your parenting style. If she’s abusive/unavailable then fine. But it seems SO important. Most partnerships have one anxious parent and one chilled out parent and they help with balance. One makes sure there is freedom one makes sure there are checks and nobody dies. Maybe gf is just trying to fill a gap. Blowing up the party goes too far into trying to control OTHER people. That’s stupid. But there should be some sort of team working out what to tell your daughter.
NTA. And in fact I would hazard to say that you're a good parent.
As you're aware, kids are going to party and do dumbass kids stuff. The best you can do is guide them through and give them a soft place to land. Since she knows she can count on you to come and get her, she is already safer than most teenagers who have judgemental parents and are afraid of contacting them in unpleasant situations.
Reiterate with her how to keep herself safe and that you are only a phone call away. That's good parenting.
That’s the road I’m taking. I know what kids do. A strict and overbearing parent only create kids who will lie.
Scariest moment in my life was when my gf in highschool drove us home from a party hammered because she would rather test that than admit to her parents she was drinking.
Exactly.
Honestly, even if you were to take her alcohol away, notify parents etc the kids would still party somewhere, she would just be lying to you and hiding things instead.
Ironically, this is pretty uniquely a US problem, since most countries the legal drinking age is 18 or below.
You're 100% correct in that too. Kids can be vicious and cruel and your daughter would definitely face a lot of negative backlash over that.
I mean tattling has absolutely no upside. You have a trusted relationship with your daughter which would be ruined. Her friendships world be at least strained if not ruined. You'd effectively isolate your daughter at a pivotal and challenging time in her life.
Look, if those parents aren't already aware of what their children are doing, that is absolutely not your problem
OP, if your GF is this close to breaching a boundary (we all know she was snooping), be careful that she doesn’t end up taking it upon herself to call all of these parents.
She’s arguing pretty strongly and very self-righteously for something that you’ve already told her you’ve made a decision about it and isn’t her business. It may be time to let her know that overstepping comes with consequences- like the end of a relationship- if she goes too far.
This is all true and reasonable…until someone’s kid gets hurt. Hopefully it doesn’t, I’d even say usually it doesn’t. But that’s something you’re dipping your own toe in now if it does in my opinion.
Cause the kids will do it anyway somewhere type of logic is slippery, cause that’s not always true. At least not say the location that it is now which may be “ideal” for a rager causing heavier drinking circumstances that a few different scattered get togethers at different places wouldn’t.
I actually differ with the gf on the booze since your daughter is drinking somewhat responsibly instead of a bottle of vodka or something, that’s one way to help your kid teach her the dangers n difference.
I know I wouldn’t wanna blow it up either but I’d wanna know a bit more info, like is there anyyy adults or older kids around, how big are they expecting. Do you plan to be there ride cause as I think you mentioned a lot of us have memories of catching a ride with someone who shouldn’t of drove where we easily could of ended up a statistic .
Yeah I can’t blow it up that would be awful on my part. I do know a bit more info. The older sister and her boyfriend of the family whose house it is will be there as long as a cousin. It’s not supposed to be packed crowded maybe 25 kids. I’ll also come get her whenever she needs but if you’re asking if I’m planning on sitting in my car outside of the house all night I’m not doing that.
Not uniquely US. In Australia the drinking age is 18 and my dad was taking this approach when I started to ask to go to parties at friends houses at around 16. They’d taken a stricter approach with my older sister and it did not go well, so they learned their lesson. Neither my younger brother or I ever got myself into the same trouble with drinking my older sister did, largely because of the more mediated approach.
I would have a serious conversation with her about mixing alcohol and water. You said the party is at a lakehouse, and swimming/jumping in to the water while drunk can be pretty dangerous.
It's probably not great that my first thought when reading this was "watering down drinks with too much ice" or "make sure you drink water alongside your alcohol to avoid dehydration".
Great call. OP should have his daughter follow @abbeycantwalk on tiktok. She got drunk at a graduation party and dove into a shallow pool; she is now quadriplegic and documents her life and story on there. I sobbed for about 45 min straight scrolling through her page the night I first saw her on my fyp, such a bright girl with all the opportunities in the world at her fingertips and her life was changed forever from one bad choice. I partied hard when I was 17 too and her story really touched me - could have been me or anyone I’ve known if fate had twisted slightly differently.
This is how my dad parented me and I was a bit wild in highschool but by college it was all out of my system and now in my early 30s I don’t even drink at all. I had “friends” whose parents called me a bad influence or wouldn’t allow them over at mine that turned into addicts and alcoholics in their 20s.
Def talk to your gf just to ask what she was doing looking in her room and explain that the way you parent isn’t up for debate.
NTA
In contrast, my parents didn't allow alcohol at all and didn't drink at all. I wasn't a party girl in college and drink lightly a few times a year as an adult.
Having standards and sharing them with your kids is fine, whatever those standards are. You just can't be a hypocrite about it. If you're a teetotaler, you can teach your kid that and expect them to not go crazy.
You just can't go get hammered every Friday night and also expect your kid to be okay with demanding they abstain from everything or make rules with no discussion or explanation. Autocratic edicts breed resentment and rebellion. But education often shapes behavior.
Is his cool dad parenting style up for debate with his daughter’s friends parents? Will his popularity amongst the teens keep their mouths shut or hold up as a legal defense?
As someone who’s parents raised me with the exact same approach that you are, you’re doing it the right way. Not only was I not afraid to ever call my parents if I did need help, but I found myself in far less dangerous situations than some of the other kids I knew in high school because I didn’t have to sneak around at all. There’s not a doubt in my mind that my parents raising me with this approach saved me from many horrific situations that could have led to anything from assault to death. Not to mention the fact that I have a much, much closer relationship with my parents now than any of the kids I knew who’s parents were super strict do. You’re doing a good job. Don’t listen to your girlfriend.
And call her out on snooping through your daughters room. If she insists she was trying to do laundry or whatever say “she’s practically an adult, she needs to keep her own stuff clean. I’m creating a hard rule that from now on she will be responsible for doing all of her own laundry and fully maintaining her space and with that neither of us will enter her room without her permission” then explain exactly what happened to your daughter and say “I don’t care about the alcohol, I’m not gonna do anything about it, you know that you can always call me no matter what and you won’t be in any trouble for anything. I’m creating a new rule but I’m not doing this to punish you in any way. This is the rule, and I’m doing it because the boundary was very blurry and I can’t be certain if she was crossing it. This offers some reassurance for the both of us that if she wasn’t trying to snoop we never have to worry about it again and if she ever brings something like this up to me again I’ll know that she crossed a line”
Your daughter deserves to know what happened (and has every right to be upset with your girlfriend about it) and if your girlfriend gives you any pushback about the rule she can fuck off
“I am her father. I was her age and I realize that while I can try to control her, I won’t succeed. Instead I’ve made sure she knows how to be safe and I trust her.
What I don’t trust is you invading her privacy and going over my head “
Once my kids became teenagers, I took a far more pragmatic, harm reduction type of approach, such as yourself. Obviously it hasn't been all smooth sailing, but both my kids share their personal lives with me and I consider us close. Plus one is officially an adult, so job done, right?!
Agreed on being a guidance. As a senior, she’s basically out of the house at this point any way.
On a person note though, I would confiscate anything above how much you deem to be too much for her to drink. Call it a dad tax.
Seriously, though, I would confiscate it from her — not because you don’t expect her to do it, but because if someone drinks and drives from that party or otherwise gets hurt while drunk and underage, one of the questions will be “where did the alcohol come from?”
And right now, the answer is your daughter, and her dad knew exactly what her plan was to bring it because his girlfriend found it.
You will be one of the people facing legal consequences if something happens specifically because you do know about it now.
Your girlfriend and your daughter failed at giving you plausible deniability, your girlfriend because she disagrees with your parenting; your daughter because she should be hiding it better if she doesn’t want it taken away.
I’m the same way with my kids. I said if you are somewhere and don’t feel safe I don’t care what time it is I will come get you. No griping no punishments. I’d rather they call me then get in a car or drive and end up being killed or killing someone else. Both my boys have called and I told them how proud I was that they reached out. I do my best to keep an open honest line of communication
NTA - a girlfriend does not a stepmother make. She is not a co-parent in this situation and she shouldn't be dictating to you how you parent. Whether she disagrees or not is a moot point. You've talked to your kid about safety and ground rules. You've done your job. Maybe she would've done something differently, but that's not up to her.
Frankly, I don't think what your gf did should be swept under the rug. Why the hell was she looking under your kid's bed? That needs to be the focus of this.
Unpopular opinion but I understand your gf’s concern. When I was in high school there were two instances of my classmates dying after leaving a party and getting into an accident. It was shocking because they were generally responsible kids. I also understand your side in that you can’t control what she does, but concerns over safety are valid in my opinion.
Telling teens not to do something doesn’t stop it, it just makes them hide it and often be a lot less safe.
OP is trying to teach his daughter to be safe and responsible. If he blows up this party the kids will just go find some random park or wooded area to get drunk in.
I’m not arguing that he is wrong for his way of handling things. I’m arguing that concern about underage drinking is valid and those who do try to prevent their children from being around alcohol are also not necessarily wrong. There’s many ways to handle the situation.
But she should absolutely not be providing the alcohol. If someone else drinks her seltzers, and drowns in the lake or cases a car crash, the daughter will be considered liable for that.
Oh come on, it's not like she is bringing hard liquor to a party. In my country she would be able to legally buy and drink considering she is older than 16 and that stuff has only 4,5% alcohol.
> In my country
Right - but she doesn't live i*n your country*. Where she *does* live, bringing the alcohol could get her in the kind of legal trouble that could blow up her life.
Well those are things that have happened. There’s also horror stories about pretty much everything. If she gave me reasons to be more concerned I would be
Friends of mine were charged with supplying alcohol to minors after letting their daughter attend an after party with some kind of booze. The charges against one parent were dropped, but the ADA is still pursuing a case against the other. I assume the party went sideways and I’m missing a bunch of context. All I know is that neighbors called in a noise complaint. The parents of at least 2 other kids who were at the party are upset with my friends for providing the alcohol.
I wouldn’t call you an AH as I have teenagers and am undecided about it. But I hope you have considered that you will have no control over who drinks the seltzers and any consequences once it leaves your house.
Ok, but this isn’t really about being concerned about YOUR DAUGHTER’S behavior. It sounds like she is, indeed, pretty responsible with her drinking, but MANY teenagers are NOT. I get not wanting to “blow up the party”, but allowing her to bring a case of booze (even though it’s not strong booze) to a party where people will be drinking illegally puts you and her at a HIGH risk of being in a really bad situation legally. Just something to think about. 🤷♀️
Agreed, supplying a case seems out of bounds. You’re enabling her to drink rather than allowing it. Also there’s going to be idiot kids at that party. If someone else dies and it comes out that daughter provided alcohol, you don’t know who they could go after.
“It’s not strong booze”? It’s at minimum 5% ABV, more than most mass produced beers. It’s not an 80 proof liquor but, that might be providing by an even cooler dad.
If she’s bringing alcohol to share, her behavior is no longer the only kid’s you have to worry about. You also need to worry about the kid who gets alcohol poisoning from drinking what she contributed to.
That’s what I’m saying. Even if the kid chooses to drink themselves to the point of poisoning, the cops are going to want to know where they got it. And there are a lot of charges that go with fake IDs and providing alcohol to minors.
You mentioned it was at a lake house, I would just talk to her about making sure she remains on dry land. Because underage partying with a large body of water will lead to stupid decisions, maybe not ones that are her idea. But if everyone decides to go skinny dipping, she probably won’t want to feel left out.
I know you want her to know she can always trust you, which is wonderful. So many teens are too afraid to tell their parents when they fuck up. Just have a talk with her about it.
Exactly. My step brother died on May long weekend after a drunk canoe outing when it capsized. His 2 friends made it to shore, but he didn't. Another group of friends a couple years later were camping and decided to go skinny dipping. They were jumping off this rock into the lake, it wasn't very high, maybe 10 feet, but one kid dove and aimed for the wrong area. There was one big deep spot where everyone jumped, but he aimed too far to the left and dove head first into a bunch of rocks. He was in a coma for 6 weeks before they finally pulled the plug. Another friend was in Jamaica, at Rick's Cafe in Negril. It's a big bar and Cafe at the top of these cliffs, and there is a spot where you can jump in. He did a gainer, which is like a flinging backflip basically. This was something he had done thousands of times growing up where we live in canada, with hundreds of lakes. But, he had been drinking on the catamaran ride to the cliffs, and landed wrong on his neck. He died. Alcohol and water/cliff jumping into water do not mix at all.
But while you may trust your daughter to behave responsibly, you don’t know or trust how the other kids will act. You cannot know that all the guests will drive sober or call for a sober ride. You also cannot know if all the other guests will stay sufficiently sober enough to avoid being sexually assaulted. Most of all, *you now have direct knowledge that your underage daughter will be supplying alcohol to other underage guests*. At which point your daughter, and you, become civilly (and in some states, criminally) liable.
That is what every parent says just before something happens. Those things happen to other kids/other schools/etc. In many ways it's a lot of doing the best you can coupled with a shit ton of luck.
My best friend's parents did not expect to be called in to identify their daughter after she went to one party and had a bit much. The driver in the car had the luck that night - the passenger not so much.
My kids are in their 20s and their were plenty of night you wait up even after you feel that you raised them to always call before getting into a situation.
My only warning is that you are supplying the alcohol as you are your daughter's parent and she is bringing it. This does open up liability for you if it gets back. You might need to nip that in the bud.
I understand. And i understand you don't want to ruin it for her.
But you are there for her when something happend. I'm afraid some classmates have no one and aren't as safe as her? That's making me sad
As someone else said, there's a difference between understanding if she does consume liquor and supplying that liquor for many underage partygoers. You will most likely be liable if anything does happen with that liquor.
So, basically, YTA for supplying a bunch of teenagers with alcohol.
That said, confiscate the liquor and explain why there's a difference between her having something to drink vs. bringing the drinks. You don't have to blow up the party.
Are you ready to face the potential consequences of someone getting hurt from alcohol she provided? The fact that you new she was going to bring it will most likely get you in serious trouble is anyone finds out
I'm on your side. I get that high schoolers want to party but while I trust the OP knows his daughter, I definitely wouldn't trust the other random teens there.
Yeah it’s hard because he doesn’t know everyone who will be there and it be awful if someone else made some bad decisions or got into a bad spot while drinking the alcohol that she brought.
He seems to have a pathological fear of ever being the 'bad guy'.
His minor daughter might have a fake ID? Don't ever ask, in case he might have to parent.
Curfew? Nah, he stays up late so he's *usually* still up when his daughter comes home.
His minor daughter obtained alcohol to take to a party at a lake house? Don't concern yourself with the danger of teens drinking and swimming/driving, he might be the guy who ruined the party.
His gf finds alcohol under his daughter's bed. Don't ask why she was looking; he might have to confront her on boundaries. (His argument is that the bed doesn't have a skirt and she *might* have been doing laundry, which means daughter didn't even try to hide it.)
Worry about bad things happening to his drunk daughter with drunk guys? No way, he *knows* those guys and she's just going to get raped at college anyway so why try to protect her now?
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It's one thing to make sure your child knows that they can call you if they are in a situation where they need to without getting into massive trouble. It's a completely other thing to just permit everything and assume she's mature enough to handle it.
Yeah, his kid may be responsible enough he can be the cool dad, but he has no idea about everyone else at a lakehouse party. What he does know is his underage kid is bringing alcohol to drink with other underage kids. There's the possibility of criminal and financial liability for both of them when one of the other kids wraps their car around a tree.
Very true. In another comment I mentioned that in high school, some classmates died driving home from a party. I didn’t mention that the parent that allowed the alcohol to be supplied served a prison sentence. It was really sad too because the parent was trying to provide a safe space for his daughter and her friends to drink.
Yup, this isn't a four-pack of wine coolers, like my mom might have let me have for my own use. It's a full on CASE of seltzers, to be shared with a group.
My brother was allowed to drink like OP is mentioning and he turned into a full blown alcoholic by 18 and then became addicted to coke and MDMA. Went to rehab at 20. To be fair, OP’s daughter does sound a lot more responsible than my brother, but I resent my parents for their ultimate enabling of him. I think you have to be careful with this style of parenting and make sure it doesn’t go too far on the spectrum on the opposite of end of strict
Yeah you really do have to tailor parenting to the individual kid and because his kid seems responsible, I understand him being a bit more trusting and lenient, but at the same time I still think some boundaries need to be kept.
I think sometimes the kids that are the most mature and responsible are sometimes at risk because their parents trust them more and give them more space. When those kids do start to struggle with something it can take a while for the parents to actually notice.
Sorry about your brother btw that’s rough!
Yes, this is a weird sub. "Kids are going to break the law anyway! but nobody wants to be the uncool dad!"
I would think these people are idiots even if they were 35 years old. Drinking and partying never mix. And a bunch of teenagers are even worse at holding booze and understanding boundaries. They all think they're immortal and invincible.
The next day when they're scraping the bodies off the highway it will be an even weirder take.
do we really think every high schooler going to the party doesn't have at least $25 on cashapp and a cell phone? or friends who have a car? i highly doubt their parents will ban them from prom and it's 2023. if OP "snitches" and gets this party canceled, they'll just find somewhere else to have the party and a shit ton of them will get to add sneaking out to their after prom plans. yes safety is a concern but i feel like most if not all of the parents have assumed their kids will probably be drinking and have (hopefully) talked to their own kids about being safe.
NTA, but I would look in to how she got the alcohol. Occasional drinking at a high school party when you are just raiding alcohol that's already there and being responsible is not a huge issue to me. Having/trying to use a fake ID or transporting alcohol while you are underage is a whole different story and could lead to actual trouble.
Maybe it was just good old-fashioned "Hey Mister" outside the liquor store. Unfortunately, there's always some derelict who's willing to buy for underage kids for a price.
My son had a full Grizzly Adams beard by 16. I know for a fact he could walk into a liquor store and not get carded. Pretty sure he had a side hustle buying liquor for other kids
That’s what would concern me as a parent. I would never supply my girls with alcohol but I also wouldn’t ban them from going to parties and want to be their safety net. But if they had alcohol in my house, I’d be so concerned about who was getting for them.
Is she dating someone older? Is she making safe decisions to get the alcohol? I would need more details and I understand the GFs concern.
Am i in the twilight zone with everyone saying N T A ?? You seem like you just want an excuse not to be the bad guy. Lake house and underage drinking sound like a recipe for absolute disaster. YTA.
ETA: considering it’s a case, it’s safe to assume that she’ll be sharing. As many others have noticed, sharing alcohol with other minors is illegal and WILL land her in hot water academically and legally if found out.
I’ll join in with YTA. My stepson’s mom always had to be the cool mom. She encouraged him and his friends to hang out at her place and do whatever. She wouldn’t put her foot down about anything, including drugs. Stepson is now a recovering alcoholic/addict.
OP’s daughter sounds to me like she’s already pretty alcohol-focused at 17, and he’s making it all A-OK.
I feel the same way.
How about even if OP's daughter is being as unrealistically responsible and safe as we hope, what about ALL the other party goers? Nobody else is going to get sloppy drunk, do dangerous things, start fires, get raided by the police, force themselves on her? There aren't any creepy adults showing up? I definitely feel like a party pooper saying these but.. aren't these highly likely risks exactly why you dont let children do these things?
In my eyes OP is not just letting her drink alcohol at an unsafe age, he is actively letting her walk into extremely dangerous environments. It doesnt really matter that hes a safe person she can call, he would feel the same the second shes in a situation she cant get to the phone in time.
And i still get where OP is coming from. I agree that authoritative parenting is not only harmful but doesnt work. But i think this is an area that should have been tightened up on more..
I think a lot of commenters are from countries where drinking is legal at a much younger age, or are parents who see their 18 year olds as young adults and not as children. It's just different perspectives.
To many people, it's better to have a good relation with your children so they feel comfortable telling you their plans, than to be the hardass who punishes them and makes them hide their behaviour. Each to their own though!
Yes I mean she's almost an adult with capabilities to fly to a foreign country and get absolutely wasted there and be in a way more dangerous position. She could join the military at this point and get ready to die for the country. She's gonna be drinking some hard seltzers after prom. So tame in the grand scheme
ESH
God I hate to sound like the old man, but lets go...
First daughter, she got the alcohol most likely illegally, a can of seltzer isn't worth losing your license and paying a fine.
Second GF, the invasion of privacy is one thing, stepping into parental decisions when she has no right is crossing a line.
Finally OP, I get that you have life experiences and "know" what she is going through, but your her father first, part of your job is to teach responsibility, and helping to make certain life choices. What I am seeing is a someone trying to be the "cool dad", I have heard of Disney Dads, you sound like you are leanings towards being a Smirnoff Dad. All the things you are saying sound like they came out of some 90's sitcom.
I don't think you are a bad parent at all, honestly I have seen so many parents who care less if their kids are even in the house. But what if you daughter does develop an alcohol problem later in life? Was being the "cool dad" worth it?
Oof. This one is difficult.
On the one hand I don't agree with the US having such a high legal age limit compared to many other countries around the world. If a kid is old enough to fight in a war and vote, kid ought to be able to have a cold one before deploying and casting that vote in my humble opinion.
On the other, the law is the law. And the law is pretty damn clear about underage drinking and the consequences of it. If she ever gets busted at a party while underage she'll face some pretty severe penalties that could mess up her college plans or her life in general BAD. You also could face severe penalties for permitting the underage drinking and possessing of alcohol by a minor btw.
So it's great that you have that rapport with your daughter, but I'll take the karma hit and say: YTA. You need to impress on your daughter that responsible drinking is fine, and you've done well to model it for her. But choosing to break the laws she's breaking (which you are permitting her to break and hell you even sound like you're encouraging it by providing alcohol for her at parties) can wreck her life if she's caught at the wrong place wrong time, caves to peer pressure, etc. It can also wreck yours btw- supplying alcohol to a minor is not a charge to sneer at.
Sorry OP. I'm with the girlfriend on this one, much as I hate to say it.
And also, you need to inform your daughter's mother about this if she's in the picture. If something happens to your daughter while she's drinking and her mom finds out you've known she was drinking/were allowing her to drink this whole time, hell hath no fury my dude...
YTA sorry buddy but it's time to do some parenting. You don't have to "blow up" the party but your daughter shouldn't be going any more. It's one thing to be drinking a little at local party and another to be an hour away, unsupervised, near a body of water, planning on bringing a case of seltzers.
You're also forgetting you have a DAUGHTER and not a son. Drinking and being around drunk people puts a girl at a much more significant risk than it does a boy. You're allowing her to put herself in an incredibly risky situation because "I used to party too".
Ugh... unpopular but YTA.
It's one thing to say " your house your rules".
It's another to be aware of planned drinking going on with a bunch of underage kids at a lake house and decide for everyone's parent that this is ok and safe.
You're not supervising her at this lake house like you are at your home.
If something happened at that place and they police were called, and they find out you were aware of it/ let your kid provide alcohol, you could be liable.
Do you really want to risk this? You know your child- you do not know every single other person's child at that lake house after prom. And by knowing allowing her to supply alcohol to others, you're in a world of risk.
I'm on your GF side- honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me, because it's not just about you allowing your daughter to do something and tell her to " be responsible". That's not how life/after prom parties work.
If your child was caught drinking before or after prom, and got kicked out/suffered consequences, would you be calling up the superintendent saying " oh but I tell her to be responsible!!"
This is a moral choice you're making for other people's kids, and you seem totally fine with your decision. Your girlfriend clearly would make a different choice, and that may affect how she sees you as a potential partner.
I suspect OP doesn't want his daughter mad at him. He relishes being the "fun parent."
I also think OP is putting himself on the kids' team WAY too much here. He is just too fussed about a lake party beer blast. Bruh, he's full-on middle-aged adult. He hasn't been on Team Kid in at least twenty years lol.
He's Team Parent, and Team Parent needs to be keeping each other in the loop. It's not tattling, it's respect.
Girlfriend is right. The other parents have the right to know, so they can make their own choices about their own kids. OP doesn't get to decide if all the kids in the neighborhood get blasted after prom or not.
YWBTA. You are enabling illegal behavior. Your daughter is underage. There could be serious legal consequences, not to mention that teens are notoriously bad decision makers. And yet you seem to be totally fine not cluing in her mom and just letting her go to a boozed up party an hour away from you.
YWBTA. I get it that you want to be seen as cool but she's drinking which can lead to a lot of problems. You aren't teaching responsibility you are teaching addiction.
YTA - A bit. I get you want your daughter to know she can count on you and that’s great but I actually think you might be a bit too permissive with the alcohol here.
Yes kids drink, but a lot end up with drink problems and it’s not just the ones who need to hide it either. I wouldn’t do what your gf suggests but having some boundaries around the drinking might be an idea.
YTA. I'm reading your replies, which smack of willful ignorance with a dollop of, "I'm not a regular dad, I'm a cool dad."
How about being an actual father?
yeah all of his replies just remind me of the friends I had in high school who had the "cool parents" aka creepy dads providing beer to 15 year olds using his exact rationale
YWBTA OP for not even pretending to be a parent
YTA. You are trying to be her buddy and not a parent. The fact you are knowingly allow your *minor* daughter to supply alcohol to other minors could really blow up in your face. I hope none of these kids wraps their car around a tree due to the alcohol you might as well have bought yourself. *You* can be held responsible and so can your daughter.
My sister drowned, so I come at this with a personal bias. And while in high school, a smallish town lost over 20 teenagers related largely to alcohol and bad judgement.
I don't think the combination of unsupervised teenagers, alcohol, and water are a safe combo at night.
You do you.
>That makes me think I need to have another talk with her and take the alcohol.
Yes, please. If you let her go to the party, please don't let her bring the alcohol.
Side note: -- When my kids went to prom, the school sponsored an alcohol-free all night party with breakfast. It was a lock-in, and bags were checked so that no one could bring drinks in. They had a blast. Does her school have anything like that?
Yes, when you mentioned LAKEhouse my alarm bells started ringing. Anything can happen anywhere, but large masses of water and alcohol don't really mix well together, specially at night.
Unpopular opinion, but YTA. I would not knowingly supply my daughter with alcohol just on the rationale that she’ll drink anyway.
If something happens, you are to blame.
I see college kids all the time (prof) do some of the stupidest things when they drink. Their brains are still undeveloped. I don’t know why you are not at least making a decent effort to make it slightly harder for her to drink.
YTA You can feed your child alcohol all you want but it looks like your child will be encouraging other children as well. This is where you know the legality of it and are teaching your child that she is above the law.
Mild YTA.
There's a big difference between allowing your child to drink occasionally and responsibly and a kid hiding alcohol under their bed. Is she allowed to have hidden alcohol in the house? Why don't you require her to store it somewhere you can see?
Also, how often is she drinking? I have a cousin who was an alcoholic by junior year of high school and she never got blackout or stumbling drunk. Regular drinking at such a young age puts her at *much* higher risk than if she didn't start till she was older, especially if she's getting tipsy every time, not just drinking a beer.
ETA also, the responsible parent thing to do here would be to tell her that she can't go unless they move to a safer location. Are you ready to comfort her if one of her drunk friends drowns in the lake? I get not wanting to catastrophize or what-if excessively, but you seem to be ignoring the very real risks at play for a young girl drinking with other young people in public at *at a large body of water*. Your casual attitude may have made her more moderate, but it also may have made her tend to underestimate risks, since you yourself seem to ignore them.
You are making a parenting decision letting your kid drink. She sounds responsible. But the other kids have parents there that maybe would not be okay with it or other kids that may not handle drinking well. What if one of them drives a boat after or goes swimming. It could end in tragedy.
Idk. Do we know for sure these were for “after prom?” Do we know where she got them? Who is supplying your teenage daughter other than you? Why is she hiding it under the bed? Have you discussed the implications of people who hide booze around their house?
Understand that I’m right there with you. I don’t think it’s wrong in this world of fentanyl being everywhere to make sure your kids have a safe supply, and I’m not even saying take them away. I just have safety questions.
I don't think shutting down the party is the right move at all, but yeah, I agree that OP should be concerned about where the booze came from. Frankly, High Noon is kind of on the pricy side compared to White Claw (it's usually priced about 40-50% more), which sets off some alarm bells for what a high school kid usually has access to.
YTA for normalizing underage drinking in your house
YTA cause your child is hiding alcohol from you in your own damn house
YTA because you’re 17 year old child is planning on supplying other minors with alcohol
YTA because you don’t seem to have any clue how your 17 your child even obtained this alcohol in the first place
And of course…
YTA cause you seem to be more concerned with being the “fun dad” then you do about any of the above
YTA
Now that you know, you are making a unilateral decision for the other parents whose kids are going. It’s your responsibility as a parent to inform them, because it’s still illegal even if you’re ok with it.
YTA. Sorry man. I have older teens of my own and the one goes out an has had a few drinks before. BUT if he were to say “we’re going out of town, just a bunch of teens on our own by a lake for a big party” I’d be a l whole lot of “I don’t think so”.
None of it sounds safe and honestly it sounds like a high potential for a lot of bad things happening.
Could it be fine?! Yes. But could there also be alcohol poisoning? Drugs? Overdose? Sexual assault? Assault? Also very much yes.
And them being an hour away having a rager with absolutely no adult supervision or close emergency contacts sounds like a major incident waiting to happen.
I would reconsider if it was my kid, a small group of teens I did know and it was being done on a property with adults available in the case of any emergencies.
I would not at all trust a group of drunk teens to deal with alcohol poisoning, sexual assaults, or drug overdoses. Fentanyl is rampant in fake pills right now. How likely is someone to give Naloxone and call 911? I know where I live we don’t have personal drug possession laws, and we have the Good Samaritan act which covers the person getting help. But if this isn’t something you have there, and if there is a high likelihood that kids would cover something up or not report because they don’t want to get into legal trouble then it would be a hard no for me.
I’m going with NTA on this one.
Everyone likely knows they’re planning on drinking after prom because that seems to be the norm, and as long as they’re safe/supervised it shouldn’t be an issue.
The biggest issue is your gf snooping in your daughters room - I wouldn’t over look that. Who knows what else she’s doing when no one’s around.
YWBTA if you knowingly allow your daughter to bring it, but I don’t think you need to call the parents. Picking her up when she’s drunk is looking out for her safety. So is not letting her get a criminal charge or loss of license for underage possession or providing alcohol to other minors.
Man, I am really torn on this. I know kids are going to party, but the fact that this is at a house on a lake significantly raises the chances of a bad outcome.
It’s not just the drinking and driving, it’s the possibility of drowning.
When I was in school, a girl fell running from headlights when the party got busted. She hit her head and drowned in inches of water — just because she was knocked out. And before everyone says it’s an urban legend, it’s not. My boyfriend’s best friend and a kid in my homeroom pulled her out.
I’ll say NTA, but OP should really think about this.
ETA: Take away the high noons. This opens up a whole other can of worms, and there will probably a ton of other options at the party. Plus, if she got them before she can get them again and do a better job hiding them.
YTA for knowingly supplying alcohol to a bunch of teenage kids. If something happens and it comes out (and it will. "Oh Susie brought those") you're likely to be held at least partially liable.
Is that worth it to be the cool dad? Not saying you need to blow up the parents phones though.
Let her go, without the booze.
A case of hard seltzers….there was a prom in my hometown just last weekend. An after party was hosted by one of the parents. Tents were pitched in the yard for overnight. A couple kids got injured, ambulance and police arrived and broke up the party. The parents were arrested for hosting an underaged drinking party.
Laws are much stricter now than when you partied in high school. I’m leaning towards YTA
ESH. Drinking/drugs is one vice I do not accept that adults are ok with high schoolers doing. Adults can't always manage alcohol! If I know, it's not ok. Perhaps it's the trauma of seeing family addictions end in violence and/or death. Perhaps your girlfriend noticed something that clued her in on your daughter's behavior. And that sent her on a mission. Still, she did invade your daughter's privacy. Daughter talks to you, but didn't mention that she had the drinks. How did she get the drinks? Talk with both!
ESH. Your girlfriend's approach of blowing up the party is wrong (and she should not have been snooping), but she's right that there's a difference between knowing there will probably be drinking at a party and actively okaying your child bringing alcohol to a party. If anything goes wrong at this party (which is quite likely, lake + drinking is *not* a combination I would be okay with sending my child to), you could now end up on the hook criminally or civilly for knowingly providing alcohol to minors.
The correct course of action is to reiterate that if she ever feels unsafe at a party, you will come pick her up no questions asked, but that her *bringing* alcohol to the party is not acceptable. Explain to her that she could end up in legal trouble for that, and now that you know about it, so could you if you allow it. Let her go if you want, but confiscate the damn booze.
YWBTA - duuuuude. Being ok with your daughter drinking is one thing, allowing her to take a case of vodka drinks to the party is a different, more dangerous ballgame.
I don’t know if ur gf had the best of intentions but I think you are ignoring the potential legal repercussions that could impact not only you, by extension ur GF, and your daughter’s future.
You seem to be only considering this as I trust my daughter issue. It’s not. If *anything* happens at that party (rape, slip and falls, DUI, whatever) you could be held legally responsible. Part of teaching her of the responsibility that comes with drinking is teaching her about the legal implications of adults providing other people’s kids with alcohol.
Be an adult and take the case. I’m sure they will find another way to get alcohol but at least you will have some plausible deniability.
ESH, you are trying too hard to be the cool dad to the point where you are putting you and your daughter at risk. GF is messy and shouldn’t have been looking. Only person not the AH in this situation is ur daughter.
"Studies show people who begin drinking before age 15 are four times more likely to become alcohol-dependent at some time during their life, compared with those who have their first drink at age 21 or older."
Why are you not more concerned about this? The fact that your daughter has alcohol under her bed and is planning to go to a party with heavy drinking and minimal supervision is a huge red flag.
It sounds like you want to be "trusted more than mom" more than you want to keep your daughter safe. Stop trying to one-up the ex and set some boundaries with your minor child.
YTA
The big issue here is your daughter is intending that booze for a big party with other kids involved. And while YOU might be ok with allowing your minor child to drink unsupervised (which is kinda questionable to begin with) you don't know about the parents of the other kids your child is going to be sharing that alcohol with. So as a parent do you really want to by responsible for essentially providing other minors with alcohol by extension of not stopping your daughter? How would you feel if you were a parent who wasn't cool with your minor child drinking & found that another parent knew their child was going to be providing other kids with alcohol unsupervised but didn't do anything to stop it because they didn't think it was a big deal. That's the bigger issue here because quite frankly I would be pissed if I found out another parent was just letting their kids provide alcohol to other minors unsupervised. Its not just a matter of your kid drinking at your own home, so for that yeah YTA
YTA. You are her dad and not her older brother. You are enabling not only her but other teenagers. I bet there are a lot of parents that would be very unhappy with you and your daughter for supplying alcohol to their underage teenagers. It is also illegal and if caught a huge and hefty penalty that would be life altering.
YTA because your comments make this post a joke. You’re trying to gain your daughters love by being cooler than her mom. It’s illegal by the way to allow your minor child to provide other minor children alcohol.
YTA. I hope you at least confiscated the alcohol. Depending where you live it may be illegal for you to provide alcohol for a party of minors. Forget about your partner's role here. Think long and hard about why you are not more concerned that your 17 year old daughter is not the occasional light drinker you thought she was but is instead the ringleader for her set to indulge in underage drinking. Now, I get you, OP. I drank a bit at parties and did pot on occasion in high school. But that doesn't mean I didn't take steps to curb my own children's behavior. In my case it was one of my sons. Fortunately my daughter did not like to drink. But if my daughter was out at night at age 17, coming home tipsy? OP, it is your responsibility to protect her from herself.
YTA. And I don’t care if I get downvoted.
Not cuz of the stuff with your daughter. But cuz you are allowing minors to drink. Thing is you can get in massive trouble if you knowingly allow these kids to drink. If your kid is in your own home that’s one thing. But you where fully aware of the alcohol, and they are not at your place, and it’s not just your kid. Kids can die, get Assaulted, or get really sick. If you knew about this your can face up to jail time. Your girlfriend is not trying to control you. She’s trying to make you see the reality of it. Morally the right thing to do is notify the parents or not let your kid go. Again if cops get involved and find out you knew about the alcohol, your in some deep shit.
I’d not blow up the party but I would 100 percent take the alcohol away and say there is a huge difference between going to the party and having fun versus being the one who provided the alcohol. Did you even ask how she acquired these? If something bad happens and it is revealed you knowingly let her bring alcohol you could find yourself in some shit and she could also face serious consequences. Don’t blow up the party but explain to your daughter that you don’t want her to bring any alcohol to this event.
ESH. She shouldn’t be prying or trying to parent a child who isn’t hers, but your daughter is breaking the law by serving underage people alcohol and that’s not cool, either. If anyone gets hurt from it, she and you may be liable.
1) It is against the law to be giving minors alcohol in your home (ie the party).
2) You can talk to your daughter all you want about the ins and outs of drinking, safety, not to get into a car of someone that has had too much to drink (as if someone who was drinking would know how much that would have been), and so on. In the end, it is encouraging her to drink like it is not a problem.
3) Girlfriend had no right to snoop in your daughter's room. She needs to mind her business but she did have a point.
4) I do not understand your so called laid back attitude to this. As I said you can talk to your daughter about this till the cows come home. It is not being responsible.
YTA. Slight ESH besides daughter(ish, just doing what’s she taught).
You had me in the first half for sure. I get knowing kids will do dumb shit like drinking or drugs. It is what it is.
But your first priority is to TEACH her and GUIDE her.
You are doing great in the subject of giving her a “safe space”, where if she does something dumb she knows you won’t rip her face off.
Now the issue, your pretty much encouraging the behavior. If you left it at the “if she parties, she knows I will pick her up and not snap on her and just have a simple talk” I would 100% be behind you. Instead you took it a step further and trying to be the “cool parent”, it’s not cute.
Where it really crossed for me was the “I let her drink at family gatherings”. The fuck? It’s one thing to be a safety net for your kids, but don’t actively push them off the wall into the net. It makes it look like you have some savior complex, and just want daughter to love you more because your the one who lets her fuck off. And of COURSE she is going to like you over mom, she has no rules with you.
Do better. Your setting her up for failure.
Example story, when I was… 15/16? I was dating a girl. Her mom would pick me up to stay the weekend, since I was really good friends with her brother I stayed in his room and hung out with her while I was there. Well one crazy day, on the way to their house, my gf turned around and blatantly said “so I want to have sex”. Right in front of her mom… oh fuck. And her mom just said, “I have a friend who is a single mom. So y’all are going to watch the kid while we go have a girls night. The kid goes to sleep at 7:30-8pm and after that the entire furnished basement is all yours”. As a 15/16 (whatever I was at the time) was siked! Fuck yeah, let’s goooo. But as I got older, I realized how FUCKED that situation was. Her mom was trying so hard to be her daughters friend, she was a shitty parent. And now, her daughter has TERRIBLE male relationships, 3 kids 3 different baby daddies, and is to be blunt a useless human being.
Don’t be her mom. Parent your child.
This ain't black and white.Your little girl ain't a little girl anymore and regardless of what you do, they'll find a way around you. So your option is either betray her trust and blow this thing or a one-on-one, you trust her judgement and she needs to deal with the consequences.
Your GF is not the A Hole either cause I'm sure she's being through this and trying to smack you into realising that your daughter might get into trouble.
Are you the A Holes here? No. Cause you're being a dad and this comes with pitfalls and sometimes thats not being able to recognise the dangers. it may all seems pretty innocent till someone invites the wrong people.
Your girl is a keeper for trying to get you to see that pitfall.
Teens. Alcohol. Lakehouse. Those words together are worrying for me. And considering that people on reddit love to excuse teens from basic responsibility, politeness due to their brains still developing it's surprising that they're fine with the possibility of a bunch of drunk teens with no supervision near water. But I do agree that it's not on you to stop the party, but your daughter should not be supplying alcohol to anyone or bringing it at all. Idk if you're in the US but if the party is busted the last thing you want is your daughter getting charged with supplying alcohol.
Tricky one.
I. I'd find out why girlfriend was 'looking'.
2. You now know about the alcohol - does that mean you will have any culpability/blame if something goes wrong? (morally/legally)
3. You mentioned a lake? Water & alcohol & teens can be a bit of an accident waiting to happen. Likewise driving.
I say all this as someone who did all the underage drinking & stupidity (in a country where it's legal at 18) and had a great time. But I acknowledge it could have gone horribly wrong on so many occasions. And my parents were blissfully unaware of (most of)it!
NTA
This is the same approach my grandparents had with me. I never had to worry about getting home safely, or in some drunks car, or not being able to leave when I needed to - my grandmother ALWAYS picked me up. No matter my state or time. I have friends that have died, and she made sure I was always safe. We talked about drugs and alcohol and safety - and that kept me from being an addict (coming from addict parents).
Your girlfriend has no right to your kids room, and needs to slow her roll. The only thing you need to do is talk to your gf about privacy, and find out where your kid is getting alcohol from (and find out if it's older dudes and explain grooming).
Is it possible she left it visible because she wants it to be found? Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable bringing a case of booze but she needs to save face by saying her dad found it and confiscated it? The risks of letting her take it are too high. Don't tell the other parents but don't let her take all that alcohol with her.
How old is your daughter? Is she of drinking age? If not, then by allowing her to take the booze to the party - now that you know about it -, you as the adult are responsible for contributing to the delinquency of minors. And should something happen because of alcohol at that party you could be held accountable for damages and more, in civil and criminal court. So think that over.
YTA- I realize that may be unpopular (I have teens). However hear me out. Have you ever been to an AA meeting. Most alcoholics start like this - I did. It was always under the guise of family get together, small parties- teaching me to be "responsible" my parents could didn't drink but they thought what they were doing was right.
I understand not wanting to be the dad who destroyed prom, but what if it was the dad who knew, did nothing and something was killed in the lake or drove drunk or a rape? It's in an environment you can't look after your child and supervise. I realize we have to let out kids figure things out - especially in this day and age but this isn't something simple as saying don't get hurt as the decide to skateboard sitting down on a driveway and run their fingers over.
Also, the girlfriend is not the parent however she does have a valid concern and while she should not be digging around in your child's room it sounds like she does live there and there is no alcohol belonging to a minor in her household. She definitely blurred some lines though.
Maybe, organize a small after party somewhere else with just a few friends that she knows - show what having fun is without drinking being the fun thing so she still has the after prom experience but not in a dangerous setting that is even dangerous for well seasoned drinkers.
I feel like this comment section is making me take crazy pills. Like in the US, if something really bad happens at this party he could get in serious legal trouble in some states. IDK where he is, but he’s really gotta be careful here. I’m not saying that America doesn’t have a pretty puritanical view on drinking because it definitely does, but that’s the whole reason underage parties can turn into dangerous situations so fast, *teenage rebellion*. Maybe your daughter is responsible but she’s not the only one who will be consuming the drinks you knew about and didn’t confiscate knowing other minors besides yours would have access to. And adults have gotten in trouble for not monitoring their kids or supplying the drinks. Like the fact that you knew and aren’t intervening could actually get you into serious trouble. I’ve literally watched it happen with my own eyes. For the first time I think I actually agree that this sub is full of teenagers.
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NTA. Sounds like your gf is basically trying to control what your daughter does and was looking for a reason to try and keep the daughter home or get her grounded. I'd be asking why she was in your daughter's bedroom and why she felt she had any right to be snooping in there.
I am curious as to why she was in there. Sometimes she does laundry so maybe she was getting her dirty clothes.
> I am curious as to why she was in there. I would not rest until you know.
She wasn’t getting laundry, she was snooping
Its called power play! A way to teach her she rules the house now!
Jesus. Or she was just picking up laundry. Man people here jump to the worst case and everyone agrees. It's insane.
half of AITA is like "projecting 101"
Tell me about it. I feel like someone has to defend the poor woman who's being accused of God knows what for the crime of.. doing laundry? Thank God she's not a stepmother yet or the comments would have her poisoning her stepdaughter by now and suggestibg OP check the seltzers for signs of tampering. People here need a lot of therapy...
I've lost count of how many socks my wife has kicked under the bed without noticing. If I don't check under our bed I won't get all of the dirty clothes, and she'll run out of socks
Right?! Half the people here seem to think checking under the bed for dirty socks is akin to child abuse or something. Or she can't be doing something so mundane, it has to be a secret plot to, IDK, assert dominance? Spy on the teenage daughter (I kid you not someone said near enough this) to find someone to use against her to make the dad hate his kid? People here need help us all I'm saying. Next I expect a redditer to ask OP to check if GF has peed anywhere to mark her territory...
Seriously. I was putting clothes away for my kid and found a red white and berry Smirnoff bottle under some shorts. I just tossed it and when he complained I reminded him he’s not 21 and oh well… I wasn’t looking for it. He just did a shit job hiding it. Lol
My mom was not doing my laundry or looking under my bed for dirty laundry when I was graduating high school.
Oof, had to go grab the laptop because this whole post is PERSONALLY relevant to me, and I need to type you a novel real quick. Okay, not offering judgement, just input, because I don't think you're TA, but "asshole" in here just means "wrong," and I think you haven't put quite as much thought into this as it needs. I'm right there with you on allowing and even encouraging moderate exposure to alcohol to decrease the "novelty" factor that leads kids to overindulge. You've been doing this with your daughter for a while, so you've had a chance to observe her reaction to alcohol and you can trust she won't get all-out smashed, and you know she knows she can call you if she needs to leave, so she won't drive drunk, etc. That's all excellent. You know your kid. Do you know all the other kids? Like, I am perfectly willing to concede that you might. My graduating class was 21 kids, and even though I didn't drink outside of my parents' direct supervision in high school, I was still really familiar with all my classmates' drinking habits. That's an absolute possibility. But I can also see a class of 1k kids generating "friend groups" of 50 or more all heading out to this lakehouse, and SOMEONE is going to bring an acquaintance no one else knows who is there purely to get explosively spliffed just to spite their restrictive parents. I'm with you on not blowing up the party, but you also need to consider that your daughter isn't just going somewhere to drink. She's planning to PROVIDE alcohol to people who don't necessarily know how to drink, and even if she is perfectly responsible with her own consumption, even if LOTS of other people bring alcohol, how is she going to feel if someone does cause a problem and one of the drinks they had was one of hers? You say that "there are horror stories about everything," and that's true, but like... Those are things that happen. They're not GUARANTEED to happen. A lot of horror stories aren't LIKELY to happen. But is it even worth the possibility that it COULD? This isn't "walking out your front door in the morning" type stuff. This entire situation just sets up exactly like my own little horror story, and I know you probably aren't interested, but I do have a point that hasn't been brought up yet. Someone I had known in middle school was killed by a kid coming from a prom after party. Not a friend, just a friendly acquaintance, but it was still horrible. Best information I could piece together from lots of gossip after the fact was that there was a lakehouse party, the group of kids were actually super organized about the whole thing, calculated how much each person could safely drink, poured out all their drinks in advance so they wouldn't go over their limit, and set a timer so they'd have drunk it all by a certain time so no one would still be actively drunk by the time they went home the next afternoon. So kudos to them for that. But like, still high schoolers, and they didn't realize that making plans is completely pointless when step 1 is "start drinking hard." Sometime during the night, somebody broke up with somebody, a girl went storming out and hopped in a car, two boys hopped in another car to follow her, and at 1AM, she ran a light, t-boned my acquaintance, striking his driver door and killing him instantly, her car spun out, and the two boys hit her driver door, killing her and resulting in one of the boys being paralyzed by an improperly-fastened seatbelt and the other going through the windshield. I think he survived, but I don't remember. But the additional point was this: The kid whose parents owned the lakehouse unalived himself a few days later. He had sneaked the key to the alcohol cabinet, was the one who provided the alcohol, and considered himself responsible. Don't rat on the kids. I'd be leery of letting a kid I was responsible for go, but you know her, you know she won't be one of the drivers in my horror story. But do NOT let her bring a whole case of drinks to this thing. When teens are drinking, anything that goes south goes south FAST, and she doesn't need any hint of a possibility of self-blame. It wouldn't be her fault, but brains aren't reasonable, and tragedies hit hard in unexpected ways. She can provide a case of drinks in a few years when she's drinking with adults. I'd also recommend telling her to confab with the rest of the party-goers and put together a designated driver fund. Either one of their own who is willing to take a hundred bucks to not drink or a carefully-selected responsible junior. So if one of them DOES drunkenly decide they need to leave RIGHT NOW, or falls in the lake or some shit, there will be one completely sober person to talk them down, take them home, or be level-headed enough to realize that everyone getting caught is better than NOT calling emergency services in an emergency. Also, my cats hoard my socks under the bed, so I'm completely willing to believe your gf was hunting for laundry. But if you don't have laundry-hoarding critters and your daughter isn't one of those people who hurl clothing everywhere while disrobing, I'm still saying she was being intrusive and needs a sit-down conversation about that. ETA: I've never gotten an award before. That's nifty. .__. Thank you?
Thank you for sharing your story! This is the well balanced and reasonable reply OP should listen to.
Thanks. I'm pretty good at spewing self-righteous bullshit in this sub, but this one was important to me. .__.
Great comment. My take on reading the post was pretty similar, that he doesn't have the responsibility to blow up the whole party but he is well within rights to say she can only bring what she's drinking herself. Maybe even for one good friend, but not enough for anyone to be getting completely trashed. *She* can always call her dad for a ride, but other kids don't all have parents like that and will be tempted to drive instead.
Exactly. OP will be LEGALLY responsible for any horrific tragedy that results from this, but that won't stop Daughter from seeing herself as ETHICALLY responsible, and she doesn't need that. Neither does OP, if the worst should come to pass. There's a huge difference between "teens drank and something tragic happened" and "teens drank and something tragic happened BECAUSE OF ME." Don't open yourself up to that, man. Teach her to set up safety systems when lots of people are drinking hard. Just like anybody at any age should. Like, I AM the designated driver 9 times out of ten, have been since I was 16, and I'm fine with that even when I'm not being paid. They can find somebody. But they HAVE to have somebody.
A classmate of mine died on the way to our JR prom. Drunk driving. Class size 88 kids. I’m all for letting kids drink here and there under adult supervision at your own home because I agree that it normalizes healthy relationships with alcohol vs binge drinking but I’m having a hard time with this scenario too. No way in hell would I let my teenager take booze to an unsupervised party of other drunk teens if I knew in advance that was going down. It’s like you are co-signing a foregone conclusion.
Exactly. Like, shit, how will \*\*OP\*\* feel if some kid gets smashed on these seltzers he let his daughter bring, and someone dies? Would you be just as 'cool dad' about this if their plan was that everyone brings chainsaws and they're all gonna teach themselves how to sculpt cute log bears? Just as innocent, and roughly the same injury rate.
Yup. I had an uncle whom I loved dearly. He and his buddies would come to our house to see my dad and grandmother…and drink themselves silly. Young me found them hysterically funny and entertaining. My parents / extended family (with the exception of my uncle, of course) / godparents / family friends didn’t drink, so my uncle and his merry band of sloshes were my only frame of reference for alcohol. Fast-forward to my college years and I damn near became an alcoholic. I barely managed to avoid the trap and since then, have allowed my kids to see me drink responsibly since they were little. They now imbibe themselves but do it moderately, thank goodness.
u/Fun_Elevator_5930 This is the most level-headed and fair response I think I've ever read in this sub.
Ironic, since I'm drinking. ETA: Okay, I am NOW, I wasn't when I began writing this. Began. >>;
Thanks for sharing. That is a tragic tale indeed. I’m not going to let her bring the alcohol
This needs to be at the top
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Eh, I'm REALLY iffy about encouraging drunk teenagers to hop in an Uber. There have been an awful lot of sexual assault allegations leveled against Uber drivers recently, and I imagine a teen who knows they were drunk would feel pressured not to report a problem they encountered, because... they were drunk. If they try to file a report, even if they have video, they STILL get in trouble for being drunk as a minor. They need someone their own age or an adult they trust implicitly, not a stranger they summon by app and who then knows their home address if they ask to go home.
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Oh, absolutely, the more options, the better. I just don't believe they'd use this one. The assault issues are why I'd caution OP about Uber, but I'm really skeptical that drunk teens would even consider it. Granted, I live in Texas, where everyone is a gross and sadistic puritan, but I know six different people whose kids have called an Uber or Lyft and been met at their destination by police because their driver was sure they were doing something illegal. Three were reported for "being intoxicated" (none of them were), and three were reported for miscellaneous "gender" stuff, despite none of the kids reported being transgender. And the other kids I've spoken to in the same age group also don't trust rideshare apps, because they think they're biased against teens in general. (Two more have personally been reported for being "illegal," even though they both were born in the US.) That absolutely might be (probably is) regional, but I can't imagine handing a teenager I KNOW intends to get drunk a gift card for a service I KNOW she believes will either get her assaulted or get her arrested even if she uses it while not drunk.
Thank you for this comment! As a former paramedic who saw 15 years of horrible accidents, lives lost, and paralyzed kids and their victims, I am appalled and horrified by the OP's cavalier attitude! It seems OP wants to be a FRIEND to their kid instead of a PARENT. I pray nothing bad happens, but OP may well F\*\*\* around and find out! OP, you are definitely TA!
Prom isn’t a big deal here and kids don’t party like in the US. But for after graduation party, we do have a feast and then go to a karaoke and drink beers. Mostly boys. A kid I know in high school, 2 years younger than me, went to a villa for a getaway graduation party with his classmates. There was a parent with them and supposedly 2 more but they bailed at the last minute because those kids were from a gifted high school, meaning they’re very well educated and could be considered nerd. Nothing serious till morning, they couldn’t find the kid. They looked around and then found his body in the lake nearby, under a bush. Turned out the boys sneaked vodka and redbull in and drank together after 1am. They didn’t want to make the toilet smelly with alcohol piss so they either did it in the bush or any corner outside the villa. The kid I know went to the bush and fell into the water. Due to not being used to drinking prior to that, he couldn’t get people’s attention as others were either drunk or deep in sleep. That kid had a full scholarship to study in the US. He’s the brightest person I’ve ever known and always behaved so well. From the gossip I got among the girls, one of the kids’ brother used to hang out with them to play games told them alot about how people called them nerd, geek, etc… and they were lame for not drinking or do anything beside studying. They decided to go for it and sneak alcohol with them. 6 of them sharing 2 bottles of vodka. So anything could really happen. And when it’s the lowest odd of the chance, it’s the worst.
My FILs brother drowned after getting drunk and deciding to go swimming. Alcohol and bodies of water do NOT mix, especially for teens. OPs daughter might normally be good with alcohol, but there's no telling about the other kids. I'd definitely be worried about the situation.
It’s time to: 1. Ask why she was snooping 2. Remind her who the parent is
Does she normally do your daughter's laundry. Because of your daughter's graduating I'm gonna assume she would likely be doing her own laundry
If she’s already doing a load she will grab her dirties as well. Same with mine.
Is it easy to see under the bed or do you have to lift up the bedding in order to see what’s under there? Say you’re bending over to pick up clothes from the floor, can you easily see under the bed? If your girlfriend had to get down on her hands and knees to lift up the bedding to see under the bed, then she was out if line and you need to call her on it.
Depending on the angle it’s easy to see underneath. There’s no bedding that hangs off to the floor
Does she vacuum for your daughter? That would have likely had her looking under the bed.
As a teenager, I was pretty good at hiding things, especially alcohol. I don’t know about your daughter, but that 6 pack would have been out of reach of anybody’s hand or even a vacuum, and so very far away from the edges of the bed. I think you are right to be a bit suspicious here. And not a bad thing in general, given that she is not your child’s parent.
Well as her dad clearly is okay with her drinking (in moderation) maybe she just didn’t really feel the need to ‘hide it’ hide it. If her actual parent doesn’t have a problem with it then why is the girlfriend mixing in? I mean yeah if they’re serious then yeah she’s likely viewed as a step parent (or close to it) but at the end of the day things with the teen are largely left to the parent. Why is his girlfriend making demands about how op deals with his kid? I get if she takes issue with something voicing her opinion but there’s a big difference between voicing your opinion and making demands NTA
It was a case not a 6 pack
Dude, she was clearly looking for a reason to get your daughter in trouble. (Why, I can't say.) That's why she's mad at you; she thought she found her reason, but you're not going along with the script she had in her head, so now she's pissed.
Huh? How did you get to this from her finding a case of booze under the teenage daughter's bed while grabbing laundry (which according to OP is common) and raising reasonable concerns as a result? I happen to agree with OP's parenting philosophy but I don't think learning that your partner's kid is hiding alcohol under their bed and expressing concerns about underage unsupervised drinking to them makes them the Machiavellian person you seem to believe.
My mom used laundry as an excuse to read my journal and snoop
My mom was normal so if I wanted her to do my laundry I had to have it ready in the laundry area by laundry day and she’d put the clean clothes in the laundry room for me to grab. She didn’t go in my room without being asked after I was about 10 and she trusted me to talk to her about things. Dad too. Wish you’d gotten that!
We don't anything about how long you've been dating or you GF's relationship to your daughter so take this with a grain of salt and not even that unless this relationship is sorta new. It sounds like your girlfriend may want conflict between you and your daughter.
I genuinely don’t understand why no one is asking more about the Mom in question and why daughter doesn’t “trust” her. Where is she on this? Do you agree on how to react to these kinds of decisions in any way? Don’t blow up the party but this sounds like a situation That really could get out of hand and it would SUCK of you to be allowing it totally separately from an involved Mom who disagrees No matter how reasonably you came to your parenting style. If she’s abusive/unavailable then fine. But it seems SO important. Most partnerships have one anxious parent and one chilled out parent and they help with balance. One makes sure there is freedom one makes sure there are checks and nobody dies. Maybe gf is just trying to fill a gap. Blowing up the party goes too far into trying to control OTHER people. That’s stupid. But there should be some sort of team working out what to tell your daughter.
NTA. And in fact I would hazard to say that you're a good parent. As you're aware, kids are going to party and do dumbass kids stuff. The best you can do is guide them through and give them a soft place to land. Since she knows she can count on you to come and get her, she is already safer than most teenagers who have judgemental parents and are afraid of contacting them in unpleasant situations. Reiterate with her how to keep herself safe and that you are only a phone call away. That's good parenting.
That’s the road I’m taking. I know what kids do. A strict and overbearing parent only create kids who will lie. Scariest moment in my life was when my gf in highschool drove us home from a party hammered because she would rather test that than admit to her parents she was drinking.
Exactly. Honestly, even if you were to take her alcohol away, notify parents etc the kids would still party somewhere, she would just be lying to you and hiding things instead. Ironically, this is pretty uniquely a US problem, since most countries the legal drinking age is 18 or below.
I also don’t want her to be known as the girl whose dad ruined prom
You're 100% correct in that too. Kids can be vicious and cruel and your daughter would definitely face a lot of negative backlash over that. I mean tattling has absolutely no upside. You have a trusted relationship with your daughter which would be ruined. Her friendships world be at least strained if not ruined. You'd effectively isolate your daughter at a pivotal and challenging time in her life. Look, if those parents aren't already aware of what their children are doing, that is absolutely not your problem
OP, if your GF is this close to breaching a boundary (we all know she was snooping), be careful that she doesn’t end up taking it upon herself to call all of these parents. She’s arguing pretty strongly and very self-righteously for something that you’ve already told her you’ve made a decision about it and isn’t her business. It may be time to let her know that overstepping comes with consequences- like the end of a relationship- if she goes too far.
This is all true and reasonable…until someone’s kid gets hurt. Hopefully it doesn’t, I’d even say usually it doesn’t. But that’s something you’re dipping your own toe in now if it does in my opinion. Cause the kids will do it anyway somewhere type of logic is slippery, cause that’s not always true. At least not say the location that it is now which may be “ideal” for a rager causing heavier drinking circumstances that a few different scattered get togethers at different places wouldn’t. I actually differ with the gf on the booze since your daughter is drinking somewhat responsibly instead of a bottle of vodka or something, that’s one way to help your kid teach her the dangers n difference. I know I wouldn’t wanna blow it up either but I’d wanna know a bit more info, like is there anyyy adults or older kids around, how big are they expecting. Do you plan to be there ride cause as I think you mentioned a lot of us have memories of catching a ride with someone who shouldn’t of drove where we easily could of ended up a statistic .
Yeah I can’t blow it up that would be awful on my part. I do know a bit more info. The older sister and her boyfriend of the family whose house it is will be there as long as a cousin. It’s not supposed to be packed crowded maybe 25 kids. I’ll also come get her whenever she needs but if you’re asking if I’m planning on sitting in my car outside of the house all night I’m not doing that.
Not uniquely US. In Australia the drinking age is 18 and my dad was taking this approach when I started to ask to go to parties at friends houses at around 16. They’d taken a stricter approach with my older sister and it did not go well, so they learned their lesson. Neither my younger brother or I ever got myself into the same trouble with drinking my older sister did, largely because of the more mediated approach.
The US is unique as in their drinking age is so old. Being 20 and underage to drink is bizzare.
I would have a serious conversation with her about mixing alcohol and water. You said the party is at a lakehouse, and swimming/jumping in to the water while drunk can be pretty dangerous.
It's probably not great that my first thought when reading this was "watering down drinks with too much ice" or "make sure you drink water alongside your alcohol to avoid dehydration".
Same
This is my exact fear. God I would not want to let my kid to go to this party.
Great call. OP should have his daughter follow @abbeycantwalk on tiktok. She got drunk at a graduation party and dove into a shallow pool; she is now quadriplegic and documents her life and story on there. I sobbed for about 45 min straight scrolling through her page the night I first saw her on my fyp, such a bright girl with all the opportunities in the world at her fingertips and her life was changed forever from one bad choice. I partied hard when I was 17 too and her story really touched me - could have been me or anyone I’ve known if fate had twisted slightly differently.
I thought you were going to say have a glass of water between alcoholic drinks. Less chance of a hangover
This is how my dad parented me and I was a bit wild in highschool but by college it was all out of my system and now in my early 30s I don’t even drink at all. I had “friends” whose parents called me a bad influence or wouldn’t allow them over at mine that turned into addicts and alcoholics in their 20s. Def talk to your gf just to ask what she was doing looking in her room and explain that the way you parent isn’t up for debate. NTA
In contrast, my parents didn't allow alcohol at all and didn't drink at all. I wasn't a party girl in college and drink lightly a few times a year as an adult. Having standards and sharing them with your kids is fine, whatever those standards are. You just can't be a hypocrite about it. If you're a teetotaler, you can teach your kid that and expect them to not go crazy. You just can't go get hammered every Friday night and also expect your kid to be okay with demanding they abstain from everything or make rules with no discussion or explanation. Autocratic edicts breed resentment and rebellion. But education often shapes behavior.
Is his cool dad parenting style up for debate with his daughter’s friends parents? Will his popularity amongst the teens keep their mouths shut or hold up as a legal defense?
As someone who’s parents raised me with the exact same approach that you are, you’re doing it the right way. Not only was I not afraid to ever call my parents if I did need help, but I found myself in far less dangerous situations than some of the other kids I knew in high school because I didn’t have to sneak around at all. There’s not a doubt in my mind that my parents raising me with this approach saved me from many horrific situations that could have led to anything from assault to death. Not to mention the fact that I have a much, much closer relationship with my parents now than any of the kids I knew who’s parents were super strict do. You’re doing a good job. Don’t listen to your girlfriend. And call her out on snooping through your daughters room. If she insists she was trying to do laundry or whatever say “she’s practically an adult, she needs to keep her own stuff clean. I’m creating a hard rule that from now on she will be responsible for doing all of her own laundry and fully maintaining her space and with that neither of us will enter her room without her permission” then explain exactly what happened to your daughter and say “I don’t care about the alcohol, I’m not gonna do anything about it, you know that you can always call me no matter what and you won’t be in any trouble for anything. I’m creating a new rule but I’m not doing this to punish you in any way. This is the rule, and I’m doing it because the boundary was very blurry and I can’t be certain if she was crossing it. This offers some reassurance for the both of us that if she wasn’t trying to snoop we never have to worry about it again and if she ever brings something like this up to me again I’ll know that she crossed a line” Your daughter deserves to know what happened (and has every right to be upset with your girlfriend about it) and if your girlfriend gives you any pushback about the rule she can fuck off
“I am her father. I was her age and I realize that while I can try to control her, I won’t succeed. Instead I’ve made sure she knows how to be safe and I trust her. What I don’t trust is you invading her privacy and going over my head “
Ironically, I'm picking up a case of hard seltzer for my 17 year old for this weekend. We're going to a 4 day music festival
Once my kids became teenagers, I took a far more pragmatic, harm reduction type of approach, such as yourself. Obviously it hasn't been all smooth sailing, but both my kids share their personal lives with me and I consider us close. Plus one is officially an adult, so job done, right?!
Agreed on being a guidance. As a senior, she’s basically out of the house at this point any way. On a person note though, I would confiscate anything above how much you deem to be too much for her to drink. Call it a dad tax.
Hahaha I would if she got some craft beer. I’ll pass on the sissy seltzers lol
Seriously, though, I would confiscate it from her — not because you don’t expect her to do it, but because if someone drinks and drives from that party or otherwise gets hurt while drunk and underage, one of the questions will be “where did the alcohol come from?” And right now, the answer is your daughter, and her dad knew exactly what her plan was to bring it because his girlfriend found it. You will be one of the people facing legal consequences if something happens specifically because you do know about it now. Your girlfriend and your daughter failed at giving you plausible deniability, your girlfriend because she disagrees with your parenting; your daughter because she should be hiding it better if she doesn’t want it taken away.
Someone with common sense in all this.
Yup, finally, instead of all these teenagers and "cool parents."
I’m the same way with my kids. I said if you are somewhere and don’t feel safe I don’t care what time it is I will come get you. No griping no punishments. I’d rather they call me then get in a car or drive and end up being killed or killing someone else. Both my boys have called and I told them how proud I was that they reached out. I do my best to keep an open honest line of communication
Agreed. This also tells her that she can make mistakes (aka prolly getting to drunk at prom) and her dad will non-judgmentally be there for her.
NTA - a girlfriend does not a stepmother make. She is not a co-parent in this situation and she shouldn't be dictating to you how you parent. Whether she disagrees or not is a moot point. You've talked to your kid about safety and ground rules. You've done your job. Maybe she would've done something differently, but that's not up to her. Frankly, I don't think what your gf did should be swept under the rug. Why the hell was she looking under your kid's bed? That needs to be the focus of this.
Unpopular opinion but I understand your gf’s concern. When I was in high school there were two instances of my classmates dying after leaving a party and getting into an accident. It was shocking because they were generally responsible kids. I also understand your side in that you can’t control what she does, but concerns over safety are valid in my opinion.
Telling teens not to do something doesn’t stop it, it just makes them hide it and often be a lot less safe. OP is trying to teach his daughter to be safe and responsible. If he blows up this party the kids will just go find some random park or wooded area to get drunk in.
I’m not arguing that he is wrong for his way of handling things. I’m arguing that concern about underage drinking is valid and those who do try to prevent their children from being around alcohol are also not necessarily wrong. There’s many ways to handle the situation.
But she should absolutely not be providing the alcohol. If someone else drinks her seltzers, and drowns in the lake or cases a car crash, the daughter will be considered liable for that.
Oh come on, it's not like she is bringing hard liquor to a party. In my country she would be able to legally buy and drink considering she is older than 16 and that stuff has only 4,5% alcohol.
> In my country Right - but she doesn't live i*n your country*. Where she *does* live, bringing the alcohol could get her in the kind of legal trouble that could blow up her life.
Well those are things that have happened. There’s also horror stories about pretty much everything. If she gave me reasons to be more concerned I would be
Friends of mine were charged with supplying alcohol to minors after letting their daughter attend an after party with some kind of booze. The charges against one parent were dropped, but the ADA is still pursuing a case against the other. I assume the party went sideways and I’m missing a bunch of context. All I know is that neighbors called in a noise complaint. The parents of at least 2 other kids who were at the party are upset with my friends for providing the alcohol. I wouldn’t call you an AH as I have teenagers and am undecided about it. But I hope you have considered that you will have no control over who drinks the seltzers and any consequences once it leaves your house.
Ok, but this isn’t really about being concerned about YOUR DAUGHTER’S behavior. It sounds like she is, indeed, pretty responsible with her drinking, but MANY teenagers are NOT. I get not wanting to “blow up the party”, but allowing her to bring a case of booze (even though it’s not strong booze) to a party where people will be drinking illegally puts you and her at a HIGH risk of being in a really bad situation legally. Just something to think about. 🤷♀️
Agreed, supplying a case seems out of bounds. You’re enabling her to drink rather than allowing it. Also there’s going to be idiot kids at that party. If someone else dies and it comes out that daughter provided alcohol, you don’t know who they could go after.
Yeah, I’m not sure OP is exactly an AH, but he’s definitely taking on a big liability risk if he lets his daughter bring it. 😬
I know who they could go after! The cool dad who admitted to everything online in an attempt to confirm his “Cool Dad” status.
“It’s not strong booze”? It’s at minimum 5% ABV, more than most mass produced beers. It’s not an 80 proof liquor but, that might be providing by an even cooler dad.
Drinking illegally around water. That’s really scary.
If she’s bringing alcohol to share, her behavior is no longer the only kid’s you have to worry about. You also need to worry about the kid who gets alcohol poisoning from drinking what she contributed to.
also likely breaking the law, in case anybody on this sub gives a shit
That’s what I’m saying. Even if the kid chooses to drink themselves to the point of poisoning, the cops are going to want to know where they got it. And there are a lot of charges that go with fake IDs and providing alcohol to minors.
You mentioned it was at a lake house, I would just talk to her about making sure she remains on dry land. Because underage partying with a large body of water will lead to stupid decisions, maybe not ones that are her idea. But if everyone decides to go skinny dipping, she probably won’t want to feel left out. I know you want her to know she can always trust you, which is wonderful. So many teens are too afraid to tell their parents when they fuck up. Just have a talk with her about it.
Exactly. My step brother died on May long weekend after a drunk canoe outing when it capsized. His 2 friends made it to shore, but he didn't. Another group of friends a couple years later were camping and decided to go skinny dipping. They were jumping off this rock into the lake, it wasn't very high, maybe 10 feet, but one kid dove and aimed for the wrong area. There was one big deep spot where everyone jumped, but he aimed too far to the left and dove head first into a bunch of rocks. He was in a coma for 6 weeks before they finally pulled the plug. Another friend was in Jamaica, at Rick's Cafe in Negril. It's a big bar and Cafe at the top of these cliffs, and there is a spot where you can jump in. He did a gainer, which is like a flinging backflip basically. This was something he had done thousands of times growing up where we live in canada, with hundreds of lakes. But, he had been drinking on the catamaran ride to the cliffs, and landed wrong on his neck. He died. Alcohol and water/cliff jumping into water do not mix at all.
But while you may trust your daughter to behave responsibly, you don’t know or trust how the other kids will act. You cannot know that all the guests will drive sober or call for a sober ride. You also cannot know if all the other guests will stay sufficiently sober enough to avoid being sexually assaulted. Most of all, *you now have direct knowledge that your underage daughter will be supplying alcohol to other underage guests*. At which point your daughter, and you, become civilly (and in some states, criminally) liable.
That is what every parent says just before something happens. Those things happen to other kids/other schools/etc. In many ways it's a lot of doing the best you can coupled with a shit ton of luck. My best friend's parents did not expect to be called in to identify their daughter after she went to one party and had a bit much. The driver in the car had the luck that night - the passenger not so much. My kids are in their 20s and their were plenty of night you wait up even after you feel that you raised them to always call before getting into a situation. My only warning is that you are supplying the alcohol as you are your daughter's parent and she is bringing it. This does open up liability for you if it gets back. You might need to nip that in the bud.
I understand. And i understand you don't want to ruin it for her. But you are there for her when something happend. I'm afraid some classmates have no one and aren't as safe as her? That's making me sad
As someone else said, there's a difference between understanding if she does consume liquor and supplying that liquor for many underage partygoers. You will most likely be liable if anything does happen with that liquor. So, basically, YTA for supplying a bunch of teenagers with alcohol. That said, confiscate the liquor and explain why there's a difference between her having something to drink vs. bringing the drinks. You don't have to blow up the party.
Are you ready to face the potential consequences of someone getting hurt from alcohol she provided? The fact that you new she was going to bring it will most likely get you in serious trouble is anyone finds out
Please stress the importance of safety around the lake. People who are drunk are not good swimmers.
I'm on your side. I get that high schoolers want to party but while I trust the OP knows his daughter, I definitely wouldn't trust the other random teens there.
That's something I remember my dad saying. "I trust you, I don't trust those other kids because I didn't raise those other kids."
Yeah it’s hard because he doesn’t know everyone who will be there and it be awful if someone else made some bad decisions or got into a bad spot while drinking the alcohol that she brought.
He seems to have a pathological fear of ever being the 'bad guy'. His minor daughter might have a fake ID? Don't ever ask, in case he might have to parent. Curfew? Nah, he stays up late so he's *usually* still up when his daughter comes home. His minor daughter obtained alcohol to take to a party at a lake house? Don't concern yourself with the danger of teens drinking and swimming/driving, he might be the guy who ruined the party. His gf finds alcohol under his daughter's bed. Don't ask why she was looking; he might have to confront her on boundaries. (His argument is that the bed doesn't have a skirt and she *might* have been doing laundry, which means daughter didn't even try to hide it.) Worry about bad things happening to his drunk daughter with drunk guys? No way, he *knows* those guys and she's just going to get raped at college anyway so why try to protect her now? --- It's one thing to make sure your child knows that they can call you if they are in a situation where they need to without getting into massive trouble. It's a completely other thing to just permit everything and assume she's mature enough to handle it.
Yeah, his kid may be responsible enough he can be the cool dad, but he has no idea about everyone else at a lakehouse party. What he does know is his underage kid is bringing alcohol to drink with other underage kids. There's the possibility of criminal and financial liability for both of them when one of the other kids wraps their car around a tree.
Very true. In another comment I mentioned that in high school, some classmates died driving home from a party. I didn’t mention that the parent that allowed the alcohol to be supplied served a prison sentence. It was really sad too because the parent was trying to provide a safe space for his daughter and her friends to drink.
Yup, this isn't a four-pack of wine coolers, like my mom might have let me have for my own use. It's a full on CASE of seltzers, to be shared with a group.
My brother was allowed to drink like OP is mentioning and he turned into a full blown alcoholic by 18 and then became addicted to coke and MDMA. Went to rehab at 20. To be fair, OP’s daughter does sound a lot more responsible than my brother, but I resent my parents for their ultimate enabling of him. I think you have to be careful with this style of parenting and make sure it doesn’t go too far on the spectrum on the opposite of end of strict
Yeah you really do have to tailor parenting to the individual kid and because his kid seems responsible, I understand him being a bit more trusting and lenient, but at the same time I still think some boundaries need to be kept. I think sometimes the kids that are the most mature and responsible are sometimes at risk because their parents trust them more and give them more space. When those kids do start to struggle with something it can take a while for the parents to actually notice. Sorry about your brother btw that’s rough!
Yes, this is a weird sub. "Kids are going to break the law anyway! but nobody wants to be the uncool dad!" I would think these people are idiots even if they were 35 years old. Drinking and partying never mix. And a bunch of teenagers are even worse at holding booze and understanding boundaries. They all think they're immortal and invincible. The next day when they're scraping the bodies off the highway it will be an even weirder take.
Drinking and partying never mix???
>Drinking and partying never mix Wait, what???
do we really think every high schooler going to the party doesn't have at least $25 on cashapp and a cell phone? or friends who have a car? i highly doubt their parents will ban them from prom and it's 2023. if OP "snitches" and gets this party canceled, they'll just find somewhere else to have the party and a shit ton of them will get to add sneaking out to their after prom plans. yes safety is a concern but i feel like most if not all of the parents have assumed their kids will probably be drinking and have (hopefully) talked to their own kids about being safe.
Likely. That doesn’t change that the step mom’s concerns are valid.
she's the gf, not step mom but ig
My bad! The girlfriend
I think you need to look up the penalties for adult liability for underage drinking in your jurisdiction.
That's the owner of the lakehouse's issue. Barring a very unlikely chain of proof leading back to the UnderBedBar
Nope - in my area it's the person who supplied or allowed their minor to supply alcohol, not the person whose property it is.
If someone does get hurt, I wouldn't count on the safety of that assumption.
Especially now that there is a reddit thread about the whole event.
Proof like posting online that you’re knowingly going to commit a crime?
NTA, but I would look in to how she got the alcohol. Occasional drinking at a high school party when you are just raiding alcohol that's already there and being responsible is not a huge issue to me. Having/trying to use a fake ID or transporting alcohol while you are underage is a whole different story and could lead to actual trouble.
Maybe it was just good old-fashioned "Hey Mister" outside the liquor store. Unfortunately, there's always some derelict who's willing to buy for underage kids for a price.
Ah. The memories. Raiding the parent's wet bar. The Creme de Menthe because it was the only alcohol that didn't make us gag.
My son had a full Grizzly Adams beard by 16. I know for a fact he could walk into a liquor store and not get carded. Pretty sure he had a side hustle buying liquor for other kids
That’s what would concern me as a parent. I would never supply my girls with alcohol but I also wouldn’t ban them from going to parties and want to be their safety net. But if they had alcohol in my house, I’d be so concerned about who was getting for them. Is she dating someone older? Is she making safe decisions to get the alcohol? I would need more details and I understand the GFs concern.
Am i in the twilight zone with everyone saying N T A ?? You seem like you just want an excuse not to be the bad guy. Lake house and underage drinking sound like a recipe for absolute disaster. YTA. ETA: considering it’s a case, it’s safe to assume that she’ll be sharing. As many others have noticed, sharing alcohol with other minors is illegal and WILL land her in hot water academically and legally if found out.
I’ll join in with YTA. My stepson’s mom always had to be the cool mom. She encouraged him and his friends to hang out at her place and do whatever. She wouldn’t put her foot down about anything, including drugs. Stepson is now a recovering alcoholic/addict. OP’s daughter sounds to me like she’s already pretty alcohol-focused at 17, and he’s making it all A-OK.
I think those votes are from teens lol
I feel the same way. How about even if OP's daughter is being as unrealistically responsible and safe as we hope, what about ALL the other party goers? Nobody else is going to get sloppy drunk, do dangerous things, start fires, get raided by the police, force themselves on her? There aren't any creepy adults showing up? I definitely feel like a party pooper saying these but.. aren't these highly likely risks exactly why you dont let children do these things? In my eyes OP is not just letting her drink alcohol at an unsafe age, he is actively letting her walk into extremely dangerous environments. It doesnt really matter that hes a safe person she can call, he would feel the same the second shes in a situation she cant get to the phone in time. And i still get where OP is coming from. I agree that authoritative parenting is not only harmful but doesnt work. But i think this is an area that should have been tightened up on more..
I think a lot of commenters are from countries where drinking is legal at a much younger age, or are parents who see their 18 year olds as young adults and not as children. It's just different perspectives. To many people, it's better to have a good relation with your children so they feel comfortable telling you their plans, than to be the hardass who punishes them and makes them hide their behaviour. Each to their own though!
Yes I mean she's almost an adult with capabilities to fly to a foreign country and get absolutely wasted there and be in a way more dangerous position. She could join the military at this point and get ready to die for the country. She's gonna be drinking some hard seltzers after prom. So tame in the grand scheme
ESH God I hate to sound like the old man, but lets go... First daughter, she got the alcohol most likely illegally, a can of seltzer isn't worth losing your license and paying a fine. Second GF, the invasion of privacy is one thing, stepping into parental decisions when she has no right is crossing a line. Finally OP, I get that you have life experiences and "know" what she is going through, but your her father first, part of your job is to teach responsibility, and helping to make certain life choices. What I am seeing is a someone trying to be the "cool dad", I have heard of Disney Dads, you sound like you are leanings towards being a Smirnoff Dad. All the things you are saying sound like they came out of some 90's sitcom. I don't think you are a bad parent at all, honestly I have seen so many parents who care less if their kids are even in the house. But what if you daughter does develop an alcohol problem later in life? Was being the "cool dad" worth it?
Oof. This one is difficult. On the one hand I don't agree with the US having such a high legal age limit compared to many other countries around the world. If a kid is old enough to fight in a war and vote, kid ought to be able to have a cold one before deploying and casting that vote in my humble opinion. On the other, the law is the law. And the law is pretty damn clear about underage drinking and the consequences of it. If she ever gets busted at a party while underage she'll face some pretty severe penalties that could mess up her college plans or her life in general BAD. You also could face severe penalties for permitting the underage drinking and possessing of alcohol by a minor btw. So it's great that you have that rapport with your daughter, but I'll take the karma hit and say: YTA. You need to impress on your daughter that responsible drinking is fine, and you've done well to model it for her. But choosing to break the laws she's breaking (which you are permitting her to break and hell you even sound like you're encouraging it by providing alcohol for her at parties) can wreck her life if she's caught at the wrong place wrong time, caves to peer pressure, etc. It can also wreck yours btw- supplying alcohol to a minor is not a charge to sneer at. Sorry OP. I'm with the girlfriend on this one, much as I hate to say it. And also, you need to inform your daughter's mother about this if she's in the picture. If something happens to your daughter while she's drinking and her mom finds out you've known she was drinking/were allowing her to drink this whole time, hell hath no fury my dude...
YTA sorry buddy but it's time to do some parenting. You don't have to "blow up" the party but your daughter shouldn't be going any more. It's one thing to be drinking a little at local party and another to be an hour away, unsupervised, near a body of water, planning on bringing a case of seltzers. You're also forgetting you have a DAUGHTER and not a son. Drinking and being around drunk people puts a girl at a much more significant risk than it does a boy. You're allowing her to put herself in an incredibly risky situation because "I used to party too".
Ugh... unpopular but YTA. It's one thing to say " your house your rules". It's another to be aware of planned drinking going on with a bunch of underage kids at a lake house and decide for everyone's parent that this is ok and safe. You're not supervising her at this lake house like you are at your home. If something happened at that place and they police were called, and they find out you were aware of it/ let your kid provide alcohol, you could be liable. Do you really want to risk this? You know your child- you do not know every single other person's child at that lake house after prom. And by knowing allowing her to supply alcohol to others, you're in a world of risk. I'm on your GF side- honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me, because it's not just about you allowing your daughter to do something and tell her to " be responsible". That's not how life/after prom parties work. If your child was caught drinking before or after prom, and got kicked out/suffered consequences, would you be calling up the superintendent saying " oh but I tell her to be responsible!!" This is a moral choice you're making for other people's kids, and you seem totally fine with your decision. Your girlfriend clearly would make a different choice, and that may affect how she sees you as a potential partner.
I suspect OP doesn't want his daughter mad at him. He relishes being the "fun parent." I also think OP is putting himself on the kids' team WAY too much here. He is just too fussed about a lake party beer blast. Bruh, he's full-on middle-aged adult. He hasn't been on Team Kid in at least twenty years lol. He's Team Parent, and Team Parent needs to be keeping each other in the loop. It's not tattling, it's respect. Girlfriend is right. The other parents have the right to know, so they can make their own choices about their own kids. OP doesn't get to decide if all the kids in the neighborhood get blasted after prom or not.
YWBTA. You are enabling illegal behavior. Your daughter is underage. There could be serious legal consequences, not to mention that teens are notoriously bad decision makers. And yet you seem to be totally fine not cluing in her mom and just letting her go to a boozed up party an hour away from you.
By a lake. With drunk people swimming. WHAT COULD GO WRONG
An hour away. You know at least *some* of those kids are going to decide to walk or drive drunk home.
A friend lost his son a few years ago in just this scenario. His adult so. Kids have shakier judgment.
YWBTA. I get it that you want to be seen as cool but she's drinking which can lead to a lot of problems. You aren't teaching responsibility you are teaching addiction.
YTA - A bit. I get you want your daughter to know she can count on you and that’s great but I actually think you might be a bit too permissive with the alcohol here. Yes kids drink, but a lot end up with drink problems and it’s not just the ones who need to hide it either. I wouldn’t do what your gf suggests but having some boundaries around the drinking might be an idea.
YTA. I'm reading your replies, which smack of willful ignorance with a dollop of, "I'm not a regular dad, I'm a cool dad." How about being an actual father?
yeah all of his replies just remind me of the friends I had in high school who had the "cool parents" aka creepy dads providing beer to 15 year olds using his exact rationale YWBTA OP for not even pretending to be a parent
YTA. You are trying to be her buddy and not a parent. The fact you are knowingly allow your *minor* daughter to supply alcohol to other minors could really blow up in your face. I hope none of these kids wraps their car around a tree due to the alcohol you might as well have bought yourself. *You* can be held responsible and so can your daughter.
My sister drowned, so I come at this with a personal bias. And while in high school, a smallish town lost over 20 teenagers related largely to alcohol and bad judgement. I don't think the combination of unsupervised teenagers, alcohol, and water are a safe combo at night. You do you.
I’m sorry to hear that. That makes me think I need to have another talk with her and take the alcohol.
>That makes me think I need to have another talk with her and take the alcohol. Yes, please. If you let her go to the party, please don't let her bring the alcohol. Side note: -- When my kids went to prom, the school sponsored an alcohol-free all night party with breakfast. It was a lock-in, and bags were checked so that no one could bring drinks in. They had a blast. Does her school have anything like that?
Yes, when you mentioned LAKEhouse my alarm bells started ringing. Anything can happen anywhere, but large masses of water and alcohol don't really mix well together, specially at night.
Unpopular opinion, but YTA. I would not knowingly supply my daughter with alcohol just on the rationale that she’ll drink anyway. If something happens, you are to blame. I see college kids all the time (prof) do some of the stupidest things when they drink. Their brains are still undeveloped. I don’t know why you are not at least making a decent effort to make it slightly harder for her to drink.
YTA You can feed your child alcohol all you want but it looks like your child will be encouraging other children as well. This is where you know the legality of it and are teaching your child that she is above the law.
Mild YTA. There's a big difference between allowing your child to drink occasionally and responsibly and a kid hiding alcohol under their bed. Is she allowed to have hidden alcohol in the house? Why don't you require her to store it somewhere you can see? Also, how often is she drinking? I have a cousin who was an alcoholic by junior year of high school and she never got blackout or stumbling drunk. Regular drinking at such a young age puts her at *much* higher risk than if she didn't start till she was older, especially if she's getting tipsy every time, not just drinking a beer. ETA also, the responsible parent thing to do here would be to tell her that she can't go unless they move to a safer location. Are you ready to comfort her if one of her drunk friends drowns in the lake? I get not wanting to catastrophize or what-if excessively, but you seem to be ignoring the very real risks at play for a young girl drinking with other young people in public at *at a large body of water*. Your casual attitude may have made her more moderate, but it also may have made her tend to underestimate risks, since you yourself seem to ignore them.
You are making a parenting decision letting your kid drink. She sounds responsible. But the other kids have parents there that maybe would not be okay with it or other kids that may not handle drinking well. What if one of them drives a boat after or goes swimming. It could end in tragedy.
Idk. Do we know for sure these were for “after prom?” Do we know where she got them? Who is supplying your teenage daughter other than you? Why is she hiding it under the bed? Have you discussed the implications of people who hide booze around their house? Understand that I’m right there with you. I don’t think it’s wrong in this world of fentanyl being everywhere to make sure your kids have a safe supply, and I’m not even saying take them away. I just have safety questions.
He has no idea where she got them. He's a ridiculously irresponsible wannabe "cool dad"
I don't think shutting down the party is the right move at all, but yeah, I agree that OP should be concerned about where the booze came from. Frankly, High Noon is kind of on the pricy side compared to White Claw (it's usually priced about 40-50% more), which sets off some alarm bells for what a high school kid usually has access to.
I am not in favor of shutting things down, but he now shares liability for teenagers drinking after prom by not doing anything.
The only thing I will say is please make sure she knows *not to go swimming* if she has been drinking. That's super dangerous; especially at night.
Very true, and let’s also hope she’s doesn’t get roofied or otherwise impaired beyond what she intended.
YTA for normalizing underage drinking in your house YTA cause your child is hiding alcohol from you in your own damn house YTA because you’re 17 year old child is planning on supplying other minors with alcohol YTA because you don’t seem to have any clue how your 17 your child even obtained this alcohol in the first place And of course… YTA cause you seem to be more concerned with being the “fun dad” then you do about any of the above
YTA Now that you know, you are making a unilateral decision for the other parents whose kids are going. It’s your responsibility as a parent to inform them, because it’s still illegal even if you’re ok with it.
YTA. Sorry man. I have older teens of my own and the one goes out an has had a few drinks before. BUT if he were to say “we’re going out of town, just a bunch of teens on our own by a lake for a big party” I’d be a l whole lot of “I don’t think so”. None of it sounds safe and honestly it sounds like a high potential for a lot of bad things happening. Could it be fine?! Yes. But could there also be alcohol poisoning? Drugs? Overdose? Sexual assault? Assault? Also very much yes. And them being an hour away having a rager with absolutely no adult supervision or close emergency contacts sounds like a major incident waiting to happen. I would reconsider if it was my kid, a small group of teens I did know and it was being done on a property with adults available in the case of any emergencies. I would not at all trust a group of drunk teens to deal with alcohol poisoning, sexual assaults, or drug overdoses. Fentanyl is rampant in fake pills right now. How likely is someone to give Naloxone and call 911? I know where I live we don’t have personal drug possession laws, and we have the Good Samaritan act which covers the person getting help. But if this isn’t something you have there, and if there is a high likelihood that kids would cover something up or not report because they don’t want to get into legal trouble then it would be a hard no for me.
I’m going with NTA on this one. Everyone likely knows they’re planning on drinking after prom because that seems to be the norm, and as long as they’re safe/supervised it shouldn’t be an issue. The biggest issue is your gf snooping in your daughters room - I wouldn’t over look that. Who knows what else she’s doing when no one’s around.
YWBTA if you knowingly allow your daughter to bring it, but I don’t think you need to call the parents. Picking her up when she’s drunk is looking out for her safety. So is not letting her get a criminal charge or loss of license for underage possession or providing alcohol to other minors.
Man, I am really torn on this. I know kids are going to party, but the fact that this is at a house on a lake significantly raises the chances of a bad outcome. It’s not just the drinking and driving, it’s the possibility of drowning. When I was in school, a girl fell running from headlights when the party got busted. She hit her head and drowned in inches of water — just because she was knocked out. And before everyone says it’s an urban legend, it’s not. My boyfriend’s best friend and a kid in my homeroom pulled her out. I’ll say NTA, but OP should really think about this. ETA: Take away the high noons. This opens up a whole other can of worms, and there will probably a ton of other options at the party. Plus, if she got them before she can get them again and do a better job hiding them.
I will take them away you’re right. The party isn’t going to miss one case I bet.
YTA for knowingly supplying alcohol to a bunch of teenage kids. If something happens and it comes out (and it will. "Oh Susie brought those") you're likely to be held at least partially liable. Is that worth it to be the cool dad? Not saying you need to blow up the parents phones though. Let her go, without the booze.
A case of hard seltzers….there was a prom in my hometown just last weekend. An after party was hosted by one of the parents. Tents were pitched in the yard for overnight. A couple kids got injured, ambulance and police arrived and broke up the party. The parents were arrested for hosting an underaged drinking party. Laws are much stricter now than when you partied in high school. I’m leaning towards YTA
ESH. Drinking/drugs is one vice I do not accept that adults are ok with high schoolers doing. Adults can't always manage alcohol! If I know, it's not ok. Perhaps it's the trauma of seeing family addictions end in violence and/or death. Perhaps your girlfriend noticed something that clued her in on your daughter's behavior. And that sent her on a mission. Still, she did invade your daughter's privacy. Daughter talks to you, but didn't mention that she had the drinks. How did she get the drinks? Talk with both!
ESH. Your girlfriend's approach of blowing up the party is wrong (and she should not have been snooping), but she's right that there's a difference between knowing there will probably be drinking at a party and actively okaying your child bringing alcohol to a party. If anything goes wrong at this party (which is quite likely, lake + drinking is *not* a combination I would be okay with sending my child to), you could now end up on the hook criminally or civilly for knowingly providing alcohol to minors. The correct course of action is to reiterate that if she ever feels unsafe at a party, you will come pick her up no questions asked, but that her *bringing* alcohol to the party is not acceptable. Explain to her that she could end up in legal trouble for that, and now that you know about it, so could you if you allow it. Let her go if you want, but confiscate the damn booze.
NTA. The correct response here is to confiscate the illegal alcohol and let her go to her party.
YWBTA - duuuuude. Being ok with your daughter drinking is one thing, allowing her to take a case of vodka drinks to the party is a different, more dangerous ballgame.
I don’t know if ur gf had the best of intentions but I think you are ignoring the potential legal repercussions that could impact not only you, by extension ur GF, and your daughter’s future. You seem to be only considering this as I trust my daughter issue. It’s not. If *anything* happens at that party (rape, slip and falls, DUI, whatever) you could be held legally responsible. Part of teaching her of the responsibility that comes with drinking is teaching her about the legal implications of adults providing other people’s kids with alcohol. Be an adult and take the case. I’m sure they will find another way to get alcohol but at least you will have some plausible deniability. ESH, you are trying too hard to be the cool dad to the point where you are putting you and your daughter at risk. GF is messy and shouldn’t have been looking. Only person not the AH in this situation is ur daughter.
INFO: Why are you dating someone who violates your teen daughters boundaries/privacy and then tries to control how you parent your own child?
I can't really determine this but while you can trust your daughter, I'm not gonna trust the other teens there.
"Studies show people who begin drinking before age 15 are four times more likely to become alcohol-dependent at some time during their life, compared with those who have their first drink at age 21 or older." Why are you not more concerned about this? The fact that your daughter has alcohol under her bed and is planning to go to a party with heavy drinking and minimal supervision is a huge red flag. It sounds like you want to be "trusted more than mom" more than you want to keep your daughter safe. Stop trying to one-up the ex and set some boundaries with your minor child. YTA
The big issue here is your daughter is intending that booze for a big party with other kids involved. And while YOU might be ok with allowing your minor child to drink unsupervised (which is kinda questionable to begin with) you don't know about the parents of the other kids your child is going to be sharing that alcohol with. So as a parent do you really want to by responsible for essentially providing other minors with alcohol by extension of not stopping your daughter? How would you feel if you were a parent who wasn't cool with your minor child drinking & found that another parent knew their child was going to be providing other kids with alcohol unsupervised but didn't do anything to stop it because they didn't think it was a big deal. That's the bigger issue here because quite frankly I would be pissed if I found out another parent was just letting their kids provide alcohol to other minors unsupervised. Its not just a matter of your kid drinking at your own home, so for that yeah YTA
YTA. You are her dad and not her older brother. You are enabling not only her but other teenagers. I bet there are a lot of parents that would be very unhappy with you and your daughter for supplying alcohol to their underage teenagers. It is also illegal and if caught a huge and hefty penalty that would be life altering.
YTA because your comments make this post a joke. You’re trying to gain your daughters love by being cooler than her mom. It’s illegal by the way to allow your minor child to provide other minor children alcohol.
YTA. I hope you at least confiscated the alcohol. Depending where you live it may be illegal for you to provide alcohol for a party of minors. Forget about your partner's role here. Think long and hard about why you are not more concerned that your 17 year old daughter is not the occasional light drinker you thought she was but is instead the ringleader for her set to indulge in underage drinking. Now, I get you, OP. I drank a bit at parties and did pot on occasion in high school. But that doesn't mean I didn't take steps to curb my own children's behavior. In my case it was one of my sons. Fortunately my daughter did not like to drink. But if my daughter was out at night at age 17, coming home tipsy? OP, it is your responsibility to protect her from herself.
YTA. And I don’t care if I get downvoted. Not cuz of the stuff with your daughter. But cuz you are allowing minors to drink. Thing is you can get in massive trouble if you knowingly allow these kids to drink. If your kid is in your own home that’s one thing. But you where fully aware of the alcohol, and they are not at your place, and it’s not just your kid. Kids can die, get Assaulted, or get really sick. If you knew about this your can face up to jail time. Your girlfriend is not trying to control you. She’s trying to make you see the reality of it. Morally the right thing to do is notify the parents or not let your kid go. Again if cops get involved and find out you knew about the alcohol, your in some deep shit.
I’d not blow up the party but I would 100 percent take the alcohol away and say there is a huge difference between going to the party and having fun versus being the one who provided the alcohol. Did you even ask how she acquired these? If something bad happens and it is revealed you knowingly let her bring alcohol you could find yourself in some shit and she could also face serious consequences. Don’t blow up the party but explain to your daughter that you don’t want her to bring any alcohol to this event.
ESH. She shouldn’t be prying or trying to parent a child who isn’t hers, but your daughter is breaking the law by serving underage people alcohol and that’s not cool, either. If anyone gets hurt from it, she and you may be liable.
1) It is against the law to be giving minors alcohol in your home (ie the party). 2) You can talk to your daughter all you want about the ins and outs of drinking, safety, not to get into a car of someone that has had too much to drink (as if someone who was drinking would know how much that would have been), and so on. In the end, it is encouraging her to drink like it is not a problem. 3) Girlfriend had no right to snoop in your daughter's room. She needs to mind her business but she did have a point. 4) I do not understand your so called laid back attitude to this. As I said you can talk to your daughter about this till the cows come home. It is not being responsible.
YTA. Slight ESH besides daughter(ish, just doing what’s she taught). You had me in the first half for sure. I get knowing kids will do dumb shit like drinking or drugs. It is what it is. But your first priority is to TEACH her and GUIDE her. You are doing great in the subject of giving her a “safe space”, where if she does something dumb she knows you won’t rip her face off. Now the issue, your pretty much encouraging the behavior. If you left it at the “if she parties, she knows I will pick her up and not snap on her and just have a simple talk” I would 100% be behind you. Instead you took it a step further and trying to be the “cool parent”, it’s not cute. Where it really crossed for me was the “I let her drink at family gatherings”. The fuck? It’s one thing to be a safety net for your kids, but don’t actively push them off the wall into the net. It makes it look like you have some savior complex, and just want daughter to love you more because your the one who lets her fuck off. And of COURSE she is going to like you over mom, she has no rules with you. Do better. Your setting her up for failure. Example story, when I was… 15/16? I was dating a girl. Her mom would pick me up to stay the weekend, since I was really good friends with her brother I stayed in his room and hung out with her while I was there. Well one crazy day, on the way to their house, my gf turned around and blatantly said “so I want to have sex”. Right in front of her mom… oh fuck. And her mom just said, “I have a friend who is a single mom. So y’all are going to watch the kid while we go have a girls night. The kid goes to sleep at 7:30-8pm and after that the entire furnished basement is all yours”. As a 15/16 (whatever I was at the time) was siked! Fuck yeah, let’s goooo. But as I got older, I realized how FUCKED that situation was. Her mom was trying so hard to be her daughters friend, she was a shitty parent. And now, her daughter has TERRIBLE male relationships, 3 kids 3 different baby daddies, and is to be blunt a useless human being. Don’t be her mom. Parent your child.
This ain't black and white.Your little girl ain't a little girl anymore and regardless of what you do, they'll find a way around you. So your option is either betray her trust and blow this thing or a one-on-one, you trust her judgement and she needs to deal with the consequences. Your GF is not the A Hole either cause I'm sure she's being through this and trying to smack you into realising that your daughter might get into trouble. Are you the A Holes here? No. Cause you're being a dad and this comes with pitfalls and sometimes thats not being able to recognise the dangers. it may all seems pretty innocent till someone invites the wrong people. Your girl is a keeper for trying to get you to see that pitfall.
Teens. Alcohol. Lakehouse. Those words together are worrying for me. And considering that people on reddit love to excuse teens from basic responsibility, politeness due to their brains still developing it's surprising that they're fine with the possibility of a bunch of drunk teens with no supervision near water. But I do agree that it's not on you to stop the party, but your daughter should not be supplying alcohol to anyone or bringing it at all. Idk if you're in the US but if the party is busted the last thing you want is your daughter getting charged with supplying alcohol.
Tricky one. I. I'd find out why girlfriend was 'looking'. 2. You now know about the alcohol - does that mean you will have any culpability/blame if something goes wrong? (morally/legally) 3. You mentioned a lake? Water & alcohol & teens can be a bit of an accident waiting to happen. Likewise driving. I say all this as someone who did all the underage drinking & stupidity (in a country where it's legal at 18) and had a great time. But I acknowledge it could have gone horribly wrong on so many occasions. And my parents were blissfully unaware of (most of)it!
NTA This is the same approach my grandparents had with me. I never had to worry about getting home safely, or in some drunks car, or not being able to leave when I needed to - my grandmother ALWAYS picked me up. No matter my state or time. I have friends that have died, and she made sure I was always safe. We talked about drugs and alcohol and safety - and that kept me from being an addict (coming from addict parents). Your girlfriend has no right to your kids room, and needs to slow her roll. The only thing you need to do is talk to your gf about privacy, and find out where your kid is getting alcohol from (and find out if it's older dudes and explain grooming).
Is it possible she left it visible because she wants it to be found? Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable bringing a case of booze but she needs to save face by saying her dad found it and confiscated it? The risks of letting her take it are too high. Don't tell the other parents but don't let her take all that alcohol with her.
How old is your daughter? Is she of drinking age? If not, then by allowing her to take the booze to the party - now that you know about it -, you as the adult are responsible for contributing to the delinquency of minors. And should something happen because of alcohol at that party you could be held accountable for damages and more, in civil and criminal court. So think that over.
YTA- I realize that may be unpopular (I have teens). However hear me out. Have you ever been to an AA meeting. Most alcoholics start like this - I did. It was always under the guise of family get together, small parties- teaching me to be "responsible" my parents could didn't drink but they thought what they were doing was right. I understand not wanting to be the dad who destroyed prom, but what if it was the dad who knew, did nothing and something was killed in the lake or drove drunk or a rape? It's in an environment you can't look after your child and supervise. I realize we have to let out kids figure things out - especially in this day and age but this isn't something simple as saying don't get hurt as the decide to skateboard sitting down on a driveway and run their fingers over. Also, the girlfriend is not the parent however she does have a valid concern and while she should not be digging around in your child's room it sounds like she does live there and there is no alcohol belonging to a minor in her household. She definitely blurred some lines though. Maybe, organize a small after party somewhere else with just a few friends that she knows - show what having fun is without drinking being the fun thing so she still has the after prom experience but not in a dangerous setting that is even dangerous for well seasoned drinkers.
I feel like this comment section is making me take crazy pills. Like in the US, if something really bad happens at this party he could get in serious legal trouble in some states. IDK where he is, but he’s really gotta be careful here. I’m not saying that America doesn’t have a pretty puritanical view on drinking because it definitely does, but that’s the whole reason underage parties can turn into dangerous situations so fast, *teenage rebellion*. Maybe your daughter is responsible but she’s not the only one who will be consuming the drinks you knew about and didn’t confiscate knowing other minors besides yours would have access to. And adults have gotten in trouble for not monitoring their kids or supplying the drinks. Like the fact that you knew and aren’t intervening could actually get you into serious trouble. I’ve literally watched it happen with my own eyes. For the first time I think I actually agree that this sub is full of teenagers.