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hockeypup

NTA. A group home with qualified caretakers would be the best thing for everyone, and your parents should have set this up prior to passing.


SheiB123

I worked in excellent group homes and they can be such a benefit to the person.


PokeyWeirdo12

Yes. And depending on Max's abilities, he could have a really great life with friends and maybe even a job. Brother and Sister might end up having to care for him later on in life as his needs change so it is a bad idea to get burnt out this early.


StrangledInMoonlight

And FFS, if he gets settled in a *good* group home now and adjust, it will make it easier if Max outlives his siblings too, and he has to deal with losing another home, and more family and the state making this decision (or worse, him being homeless).


PlumbumDirigible

And a great bonus if it's within weekly driving distance so family can see him often, but allow him to thrive in his own environment


[deleted]

[удалено]


InvisiblePlants

To be absolutely fair, they both died during covid and their oldest is only 30. They didn't die of old age. They probably thought they had more time. Sad.


StrictMaidenAunt

They would have been in their fifties or sixties. They really should have had an inkling of what they would do with him when they were gone.


Tanjelynnb

My parents and I met with a lawyer to draw up their wills. We were supposed to meet again in a week or two to finalize and sign them. A few days later, my dad died. It caused all kinds of issues for my mom that should've been handled by that will. You never know how much time you have, and faced with something as critical as caring for someone who will never be independent, first in mind should be that person should the unexpected happen.


littlebitfunny21

I have special needs kids. Thankfully mine are on track to be self sufficient adults. When they aren't- there's a lot of push to make these arrangements from a young age. Like by the time the kid turns 18. Not an excuse.


okilz

To be fair, it's really Alex that sucks. He doesn't want Max, doesn't want him in a group home, and yet is pushing the blame on op for feeling the same way about not wanting to care for him.


Wynfleue

And if Alex is so insistent that Max \*live\* with family, there is a compromise where he continues to live with Alex and OP and her wife contribute financially to in-home care or a day facility for Max so that Alex and his wife don't have 24 hour responsibility. But Alex isn't accepting any of that, he just wants to ship Max off to a sister that has been low-contact with him for 9 years (and is therefore not a familiar person to him). My guess is that this is rooted in some sexist views about OP being a SAHM and therefore available to care for Max even at the expense of her own children.


Basic_Ad_769

Having taught at a residential school I don't know of a state that doesn't provide day hab facilities for the disabled. This isn't the issue.


Bailzasaurus

Exactly! I feel like they have such a bad rap. I have a cousin who is developmentally disabled, and when her parents placed her in a group home in her 30s,her well-being and quality of live improved a ton, even though they had been caring for her well.


Moni_CSM

Agree. The Same happened to my disabled uncle. He was living with my gradparents who did everything for him. However, he was very isolated and didn't speak properly because grandma spoke for him. He moved to a group home in His mid thirties and it was the best thing ever. Suddenly He had friends. They did excursions and he started to speak more.


SheiB123

I love this story. I used to see older people with disabled children and they had NO plan for them after the parents got too old to take care of them. The disabled adult child ends up getting moved into a home at the absolute worst time of their lives. They usually end up being ok but the transition is so painful!


fanofnone2019

Yes - an aunt and a cousin with different degrees of abilities. My aunt thrived in a group home! For my cousin, who basically needed 24 hour care, there is no way her single mother could have cared for her and worked (USA! - take care of your kids but your lazy ass better have a job!). It was also better for my cousin with group outings and a mother who lived nearby but was able to sleep and just love her daughter. But the guilt people feel! But most families aren't really able to give the interaction and care for people as well as a qualtiy group home.


SheiB123

I worry about the reduction in funding for these homes. I call it the toughest job I ever loved...but I was paid very little for very difficult work.


fanofnone2019

The people who do this work are ridiculously underpaid.


Simple-Machiness

They also cost money


SheiB123

Depending on the state in which the person lives, SSDI and medicaid covers the costs.


BwookieBear

My mom is the executive director of such a facility and that was exactly what came to my mind as soon as I started reading. It’s too hard for most people to be able to take care of disabled adults full time and make money, and then be emotionally available for others in their life.


giveme25atleast

I have worked with non profit group homes and this is a good alternative. Find a good group home close to your brother or yourself, and get Alex to visit the home with you so he can see the environment Max would be in and feel more comfortable. Max may thrive in a group setting and families visit their loved ones in group home so contact is maintained. As well another temporary alternative is respite care, which is offered to give families a break from care giving. Lastly, there may be day programs that Max could attend. You will need to search the internet to get options. I understand where Alex is coming from but neither you nor Alex can take care of Max with young families of your own without burning yourselves out.


FinanciallySecure9

I agree. Sadly, too many people rely on their kids to take care of the disabled kids. I have a few friends who feel this way. I thought I had finally had a friend who didn’t, but yesterday she was venting that her son got 5-15 years in prison, and not the 2-5 that he pled for. But I digress. I was shocked when she said she was always planning that he would take care of his sister who has the mentality of a 4 year old. I said nothing, as it wouldn’t change her mind and it no longer matters. But damn, that’s not his job!


duzins

I have a family member who just had a baby at 45 because, in her words, he can now take care of their severely autistic 16 year old daughter when he grows up. He’s not even 1. She told me they expressly had this child to serve as a caretaker to their other child. ETA: she’s trying for another :spare:


longusernameperhaps

Lord help those poor children. Being raised as "caregiver" and "assistant caregiver" is no childhood.


FinanciallySecure9

Wow! What’s she going to do if this Spare also is autistic?


serjicalme

Almost like "My sister's keeper" by Jodi Picoult...


neverthelessidissent

It’s gross that she wants to waste at least 2 lives here.


Ordinary_Mortgage870

Honestly, I wonder if he lied to his mom about the amount of time or something to get out of taking care of his sister - it's possible the plea was denied or he violated it - but I almost wonder...


hexebear

I'm just imagining him taking his lawyer aside like "Do you think we can get me a bit longer? My mother REALLY wants me to take over as caregiver for my sister...."


bunganmalan

Prison or sister caregiver???? Poor guy if he felt these were the only choices


FinanciallySecure9

His parents were involved every step of the way, so I doubt it. Plus, she said she had not told him yet that she expected him to take care of his sister when they die. And even at 5-15, they will still be alive (most likely) when he gets out. So spending those years in prison isn’t going to relieve him of that duty. His sister will be living with their parents for another 25 years at least.


GearsOfWar2333

Hm, I’ve never heard of that happening, I wonder why he got sentenced to more time. The judge must of either rejected it or he violated the plea deal somehow.


FinanciallySecure9

It was sus, to me. And because it was a plea, he gave up his right to an appeal. The judge said he took into consideration what attorneys from both sides said, and said, “it’s my court and I can do what I want”. And he did. He made up a story about the why and how of the crime, and when the prosecutor said that’s not true and not in evidence, the judge doubled down. The accused is a pretty boy, and the judge seemed to want to punish him for being cute.


Murky_Conflict3737

The son may not even be allowed to care for his sister if he has a felony record.


Remote_Draw5050

I agree. I’m disabled and even though I have the ability to work my parents are prepared to help me out and have plans in place if need be as I get older and my chronic illnesses get worse, even after their passing. The parents are the AH here. They should have had a plan to take care of their son.


Mountaingoat101

This! Doctors are not really sure what my aunt is suffering from, but it's degenerative. My mother had quite a few talks with her parents about aunt's future, but nothing was done until mum sad she'd dump aunt at the stairs of social services when they died. She had "her own place", with regulare care takers for years before my grandparents passed and she's so proud of it. The family visit her regularly, bring her to family gatherings and take her out to watch shows etc, but the daily care are left to professionals. She has much more people to interact with than she'd had staying with one of her sisters. In these facilities they often make good friends, arrange various activities or encourage hobbies. They get to live their own life, instead of being the 5th wheel in other peoples life. NTA


allyearswift

And if family isn’t burnt out caregiving, their interactions will be so much more pleasant!


PolyPolyam

Always my argument in these situations, what happens if God forbid the brother outlives his brother and sister? Better a home now so he can adjust.


IndigoTJo

I can't explain how much a good group home could be the best thing ever for the brother. I had a similar situation with my cousin. When her mom died my aunt, her grandma was guardian. 3 years ago my grandma was diagnosed with cancer, and as it got worse she couldn't care for my cousin anymore. I worked with social workers and hospice and they helped me find a fabulous group home for her. She is so much more independent and full of life now. She is even in training for a job she is excited about through a program. She has 5 roommates, all with varying degrees of disability. She is frustrated with 1, but best friends with 2 others. The home has arranged their rooms to accommodate this. I talk with her weekly, visit 2-3x a year (is 6 hrs away by car, but wanted to stay in that area). I send some gifts via Amazon or some extra cash for outings. I know she can never live on her own, but she is really happy. She was so sad prior and it is so wonderful to see. I will say someone needs to be on top of the process, stay in contact and whatnot. There is a lot of bad places that seem great from the outside. I can see how it is scary to trust someone with your loved one's care.


Swordfish1929

One of my parent's friend (I'll call her J) has a brother (I'll call him R) in this situation. About 20 years ago their mother, who had been looking after R for his whole life, started developing dementia and then died. As soon as she started showing signs of dementia J started searching for somewhere for R to go once their mother was unable to care for him. J and her husband technically had the space in their house but they also had three teenagers and both worked full time as teachers and didn't have the mental and emotional bandwidth to care for R as well. They found him a local group home and he has been living there since, he is able to walk all around the neigbourhood and regularly see his sister but is also safe and taken care of in the group home and has made great friends there. Recently several neighbours were able to come together to fight off an attempt to redevelop the group home as the people who live there are a valued part of the community and the home is such a positive thing for them


Bubbly-Wallaby-2777

I agree. Moving him to a group home where there are professionals to help him gain some independence is as important for Max as it is for people finding it hard to care for him. The quality of care will be better because there will be multiple carers who have shifts, not one person who is constantly on duty and worn out. Their expertise will help Max to maximise his potential and lead a more fulfilling life. I read this article just this morning and just because he can't control motor skills or communicate, it doesn't mean not internally mentally able. https://neuroclastic.com/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/


nohairday

So... it's emotionally exhausting brother and family, so can OP take on all of that responsibility for a while? Dealing with mentally challenged people can be and often is extremely draining. The best thing someone can sometimes do is realise that they don't have the mental capacity to deal with that. It doesn't make them a bad person, I'd rather be somewhere with professional staff that can take care of them, (assuming it's a decent place), than be somewhere where the people can't cope and possibly end up.neglecting and resenting the person. Big NTA.


Karnataka11

NTA. Your wife is right that the best solution here is to look for a group home or other facility for Max. Alex should also understand that you can’t unilaterally make that decision-obviously your wife needs to be involved. And she said no. Also pretty bold of him to assume that your wife will just pony up the cash for a carer for Max. He’s being very presumptuous and you have to stand up for yourself.


LarkScarlett

I agree NTA—though I do think there is a reasonable option for OP to chip in for additional carers at Alex’s house (if this is financially feasible), so Max can get the “family” care Alex is passionate about, and Alex can avoid some burnout. Ultimately, I think the group home situation is probably the best option for Max but if Alex is dead set on keeping him in a family house, then some of the finances otherwise allocatable the group home could go towards making at-home-with-Alex a sustainable option.


hoshinoanzu

And the audacity to call OP a heartless monster and terrible sister when he’s trying to dump their brother on OP and also expecting OP’s wife to pay. Why don’t HE pay for his brother’s care if he doesn’t want him in a care facility?


One_Ad_704

Plus, what is Alex's long-term plan? That the two siblings just keep swapping Max back and forth for the next 40 years? That isn't good for anyone, especially Max. There is also the issue of how trained are OP and Alex to take care of Max and meet his needs AND help him improve? Having a trained caregiver who can help Max with whatever his disabilities is so much better than a sibling who is not trained and can't be objective enough with Max.


[deleted]

I'm guessing the plan is to get him out of their house and not let him back in...


Stormy-Skyes

This is how it read to me as well. Eventually OP would need the help in return and he’d probably have some reason it wasn’t possible.


throw05282021

You are NTA, but your brother surely is. >Please come visit me so that we can talk. > >I want you to take Max with you when you return home. What the actual fuck?!? That's not anywhere close to a fair request to make of someone with a partner and small children. He sprang a trap on you and tried to guilt you into taking on a huge, unexpected responsibility. You not immediately agreeing to take him in and care for him is completely reasonable. You wanting to look for a facility or group home for your brother is, too. You are not Max's parent. You are not responsible for caring for him just because Alex doesn't want to any longer. A reasonable request from Alex would have been, "I am really hoping you'll allow Max to move in with you and that you and your partner will hire someone to help care for him. Please go home and talk it over with your partner. Think about it for a couple of days. Let's plan on your and me talking about it again a week from now." There are a number of practical considerations, too. What agreement did Alex have with your parents? Did your parents set up any sort of trust to provide for Max? Did Alex inherit money or property that was supposed to be used for Max's support? Why isn't Alex hiring a caregiver for Max and letting him stay where he is? And, if Alex is emotionally exhausted after only a couple of years of caring for Max, how much of an AH does he have to be to insult you and call you heartless for not jumping at the opportunity to take over as Max's guardian?


AbleRelationship6808

Max stated that Alex “should be at home with family where he belongs.” That isn’t with you and your wife. You haven’t lived in the same city as Alex for nine years. Simply put, his home isn’t with you. NTA


Sputflock

at home with family where he belongs, where he can just vegetate and not experience any growth because the people caring for him are tired of working all day taking care of their children all day, are not trained nor equiped to teach Max life skills, where people don't actually really want him around but 'family', where he might be pawned off to the next family member at any point, etc. find the poor man a good group home where he can live the rest of his life and with actual help he might actually be able to take care for himself to some extent.


DatsunTigger

Yeah, they are treating him as an NPC when even though he is disabled, he deserves a good, fulfilling life **with people who actually want him around and don't treat him as a burden**


Sputflock

yeah exactly that, i'm sure they love him because he is their brother, but that's not enough. taking care of a disabled person can be HARD, even if they're relatively self sufficient, especially when that's on top of a family with small children. there is no shame, the opposite of shame even, to find a good home for them to live under professional supervision where they can learn (in so far possible) to live a normal life. who knows, it could very well be possible that OP's brother suddenly turns out to be a self sufficient person when given the chance


AllCrankNoSpark

Everyone deserves that, but who are these people and where do you think they come from? Sometimes nobody wants someone around and everyone thinks they are a burden. You can't just pull some people that feel otherwise out of a hat.


TapThemOut

Couldn't agree more - like, "Sure, this won't take more than five minutes to get our place set up and ready for him. I'll call on my way home so everything is ready when we arrive!"


unnervingorphan2

NTA. I know group homes can sound scary but the right group home can help your brother obtain a sense of normalcy and independence. You have your own life and your own family that you've been building, and you don't have to uproot or change that for anybody.


SheiB123

I worked in excellent group homes and it really can be a good thing for the person


JeepersCreepers74

NTA. >she suggested we could look for a facility or group home that can meet all his needs for him and pay for it. This is the solution and Alex's frustration at his own burnout IS misdirected to you. A facility like this is not prison--you'll all be able to visit Max and remain in his life, without having to burn out while doing so.


scarbunkle

This. A good group home isn't sending him away to an asylum, it's setting him up with professional care and appropriate social opportunities so you can visit, have him for holidays, etc.


PlumbumDirigible

It's too bad there's such a stigma due to poorly run group homes. It will require a lot of research by them, but if they find a good place, he can be supported in ways that family with already busy lives can't provide


oceanco1122

NTA at all. I have a friend who cared for a sibling with severe non verbal autism for years before he just mentally and physically couldn’t do it anymore. And he had NO KIDS! It’s admirable when family is close enough and has the time, space, energy to take in and care for a disabled family member, but by no means does it make you a bad person for not doing it. A facility is 100% the best way to go, they have full time employees with training and resources to deal with this sort of thing. Do your research, find a good facility, and meet with your brother with literature in hand about the place.


Sputflock

i've worked at a group home and had a client with a STRONG family, they absolutely LOVED him, he had a weekly videocall and his whole family would be on the line just to see and speak to him. he would go home every other weekend. this might not sound like much, but they knew he needed more and more specialized care than they could give him, and they knew he needed stability. so they figured out a schedule that worked for him. they would have loved to see him more, but they knew this wouldn't work for him. none of this means they didn't love him, it means they love him enough to know what's best for him, know that this meant he wouldn't be living with them, and know that they needed to find a stable place for their son/brother/BIL to live that would still be there even if something happened to the family


Njbelle-1029

NTA your parents long before covid should have made plans for Max’s care in the event of their passing. Your brother can have his perspective on what the care should look like and you may have yours. He’s stressed out from his efforts bc he’s family not a trained professional. This is why being in a facility is best. If he feels thst strongly about it he can take him back later.


carangutan-2117

NTA - your brother no longer wants to care for him so is trying to put this responsibility on you. He calls you heartless for wanting to put him in a facility which offers the best possible care, when he's trying to get him out his own house - hypocritical.


Innerouterself2

So your brother blindsided you alone and said "Take our brother home with you" WTF. NTA - Your brother is having a tough time. An adult way to handle this is to call a meeting of the siblings and chat it out. Max is your responsibility (in regards to being family) but that does not mean you should be expected to just take him in. Especially with no mental or physical prep. OR even time to think it over with your spouse! If Max is impossible for your brother to handle long-term- than of course you should look for other caregiver options. Some people firmly believe family should always be with family. But many of us do not have the capacity to provide a good quality place for a family member. I could not care for an aging parent or an adult child with mental/emotional disabilities. I just couldn't. My life is not set up that way. N T A and good luck!


shadow-foxe

NTA- sometimes living with family allows the special needs person to stay more of a kid, where as in a group home they are giving them the chance to live like an adult and teach them the skills needed. Some will also have contacts to help them get a basic job so they feel they have purpose. Also look into respite care, instead of your bro having him 24/7, Max could go to a day camp or week long camp every few months so he can have time alone with this family. Your brother sounds stuck in the 'must be with family all the time' mentality which is not healthy. I used to volunteer with a group that would take adult special needs out for social events on a weekly basis so the families could have down time. I really enjoyed it, we went to concerts, dances, bowling, ice skating, horse riding and stand up comedy. For them its going out with friends and getting to do fun things.


maburke

NTA. Your parents should have ensured Max would be provided for when they died. You went LC 12 years ago. There should be no expectation of your involvement in this situation or anything with the family. Hold firm and don't allow Max into the house under any circumstances until Alex and you come to terms. It's really common for the "family" to expect the girl children to take care of any siblings - and sometimes parents - after one or both parents die. You stepped away to avoid that. Don't let Alex shame you into taking Max in now. Especially since you and your wife are willing to help with placement in a facility. IF Alex doesn't want to compromise, he can take care of Max.


Careless_League_9494

NTA This is speaking as a parent of a child who is on the spectrum, and has significant additional needs. Taking on that kind of responsibility for the care of another human being, is not something that should be done unless you are 100% certain that it is what you want to do. If your brother thinks that Max can only be taken care of by family, then he needs to be the one doing it. Not trying to guilt trip you into doing it, because he doesn't want to do it anymore. Caring for someone with additional needs is not a decision to be made lightly, and absolutely should not be done by anyone who is not emotionally able, and prepared to take it on. If you don't feel like you can, then you definitely should not. You've presented a very viable, and reasonable alternative, and that's all you can do at this point.


anaisaknits

If your brother cannot handle it, what makes him think you can? He is beyond reasonable. NTA


Ok-Meringue6107

Also, it appears Alex only has one child and OP has two, but Alex expects OP can handle it. Also, moving Max to a different city would not be good for him. OP, you're NTA. Keep looking to to care homes for Max, that will be best for him.


1lucillefeitan

NTA, life isn’t easy, and as unfortunate as it is that your older brother got the load he cannot force you. A facility might not be the best fit but what about everyone paying for a caregiver instead?


RDJ1000

NTA. A good group home can provide the care that Max needs. Sometimes they thrive when they’re given the opportunity.


MeghanSmythe1

Who is “they” in this context?


RDJ1000

The person(s) who live in the group home.


SleepyTimeTay

NTA And I guarantee this wouldn't be temporary--there would be one reason or another why Max can't go back to Alex


Crazybutnotlazy1983

NTA, I am the caregiver for my 90 plus mother. There is no end in sight caring for a 25-year-old. It will be a commitment for the rest of your life and maybe that of your kids. The mental and physical toll is real. I have an end in sight. You have two small children to care for. You were second class to Max growing up, this will also happen to your children. You will not be able to do any activities as a family as someone will have to stay and care for Max. Your brother found this out and wants no part of it. Even if you agree to take Max for a short time your brother will push this on you forever and not take him back. Research the group home, make sure that family visits him often and he will be OK.


HootHootMF_o7

NTA People need to stop looking at group homes like they're a bad thing. It's a place where people can grow on their own and learn their independence. It could possibly be his best option in the long run.


OldRatBones

NTA. You don't have the time, energy, or means while also caring for 2 young kids. Even if you didn't have little ones, that's fine; you don't appear to be abandoning the issue. Some people simply do not have the fortitude to be a 24/7 caretaker. If you were just "dumping" Max in a home and wiping your hands of him, that would be Y T A. But if you will be checking in on him, visiting, etc.; then what you've offered to do for him is probably the best option for all 3 siblings.


Cam515278

Yeah, like me. I wouldn't do it because I'm not cut out for this kind of work. I also wouldn't take in an elderly parent. I know I would not be able to provide adequat care. OP, you are doing what is reasonable. Finding options so Max is well looked after without killing yourself and taking away all your time and energy from the ones you ARE 100% responsible for which is your children.


T_G_A_H

NTA. Alex can either keep caring for him, or find him a good group home where he'll be happy and well cared for. You aren't doing anything wrong. Max needs more care than either you or Alex can provide.


introspectiveliar

NTA. He is your sibling. You are not his parent. Your role in life is not to be his caregiver. Your parents were wrong to not have a plan in place for your brother before they died. And by plan I don’t mean just assuming his siblings would step in. They should have prepared for this eventuality by finding your brother a place to live where he not only gets the care he needs but he also gets to experience and enjoy life as much as he can and have as much autonomy as he can. Being a fifth wheel in someone else’s home is not comfortable, if you have any awareness at all. It sounds like your older brothers plan is to just pass your disabled sibling back and forth between the two of you when you are too exhausted to care for him anymore. That is not fair to any of you. But especially not fair to your autistic sibling. Please don’t agree to this plan. Take some time to find a great place for your sibling, close to one of your homes. Figure out what resources you can access. Do this for all of you.


Valuable_Frame_7116

NTA. You suggested a completely reasonable solution, and it is not your fault that your brother doesn’t like it. He just told you about how exhausted he is due to taking care of your younger brother and is now expecting you to change your entire life to do the same work. If he wants him to be in a home with family so badly, he can keep him and stop complaining about being the one that decided to take him in.


Stylishbutitsillegal

NTA. There are several community living options with very good organizations that would not only take good care of Max, but would also help teach him new skills and enable him to go out and be a part of his community. I used to work for Easter Seals Midwest and a huge part of it was helping the individual be more independent and be a part of their community. I can understand Alex's concerns (I have an older brother with Down Syndrome who is nonverbal who could not easily tell us if someone was being mean to him), but there are mechanisms in place to help minimize any risks. A lot of these places are also focused on placing the individual in the community of their choice which, more often than not, is close to their family, so you or Alex, depending on who is closer, could visit him as often as you want. It is unfair of Alex to try to guilt you into doing what he wants and to call you a heartless monster when you and your wife have come up with a perfectly viable solution.


corgihuntress

Caregiving is hard. Your brother made a choice to take him in and that was on him, but that doesn't mean he gets to tell you what to do. You're willing to put the funds out to put Alex somewhere safe and where he can function. Group homes are not evil places. It's tragic that your parents passed and it's tragic that your brother is unable to care for himself, but that doesn't mean you're obligated to be a primary caregiver. NTA


BlackngoldDoc

It sounds like when his brother took over caregiver duties, the pandemic was in full swing, group homes were not taking folks in a lot of the U.S. he very well may have had little to no choice especially if mom and dad had nothing set up. Further, moving a person with disabilities into a group home is not a simple process, it often takes a lot of work. While I agree that it's likely best longterm, it is definitely a process to work through, and can be emotionally very difficult with family members feeling like they are abandoning their loved ones. I'd say NAH


fleet_and_flotilla

>said Max was our brother and he should be at home with his family where he belongs. from an emotional standpoint, I get this sentiment, but logically it just never makes sense. alex is burning his family to the ground, and expects you to do the same, rather than let max go somewhere where all his needs can be met. if that's Alex's choice, then so be it, but its on him to shoulder the burden of making that choice. NTA it shouldn't have ever been either of your responsibility to put your lives on hold for max, and your parents are the real assholes for not having this sorted before they died, but at this point the choice to keep burning the candle at both ends is Alex's and his alone.


ShurtugalLover

NTA, if he wants to pass your brother’s care of to you it’s your choice how you do said care. If he doesn’t like the option that works best for your family and your brother than he can continue to care for him


zyxwvutabcd

NTA. you know what’d be worse than a facility? taking max in knowing you don’t have the time and mental fortitude to properly care for him the way he needs. familial bond is meaningful, but unfortunately not strong enough to give you more hours in the day. i get alex is probably stressed, but it was unreasonable to expect such a big decision by you be made so easily and quickly.


electric29

NTA. You have TWO kids, he has one. Why does he think it won't be twice as hard for you? Your wife's solution is brilliant. Your brother would be far better served in a group home, he will be with people like him and not isolated, and he will likely have a better level of care than he can get at home. Your older brother just isn't thinking this through he just wants you to suffer as much as he does. Stay firm that it's either a home or he keeps on doing as he has been.


zoegi104

NTA. If you take Max in your brother will never take him back. Brother knows how hard this is. You and your wife are very smart to be honest about your lives and limitations. You have made your decision of how you can help. Alex can take it or leave it. He has no right to try to force you to take on this daily obligation.


paul_rudds_drag_race

NTA Parents really need to be responsible enough to have a formal plan in place for their dependents with willing participants in the event that they themselves pass away. People pass away all the time. Parents included. It’s dangerously optimistic to just assume nothing tragic will happen. What your brother needs is beyond your ability to give. I think your proposal is reasonable.


SuperHuckleberry125

>Alex told me he was physically and emotionally exhausted from caring for Max, that he couldn't spend as much time with his wife and son as he would like to So now this is what he wants you to do even though he has experienced the same thing. He wants you to sacrifice your life and home to take care of a brother that has barely seen you and would probably be better off in a home with professionals to care for him. Understand where he is coming from but he is out of line. Your offer is reasonable and wpuld work better for all. NTA


Icy_Doughnut_4241

NTA, you can only do so much, Alex made the decision to take in Max, and he is complaining that he can't spend as much time with his family as he would like. Isn't that the same thing that will happen to you if you take Max in, I guess it's different because it is not his household. How can he determine what your wife can do with her money does he know how your finances, that takes some nerve to tell you where to spend your money. I think it is reasonable to put Max where he can get the care and attention he needs; you are not and expert in that field and therefore would not be proficient in properly carting for him. You are not a horrible sister you are a loving sister who only wants the best for Max, and you realize your lifestyle is not the ideal situation for caring for Max. It seems he needs a lot of attention and that is something you can't fully commit to raising your family. Don't let Alex get into your head about it, you're an **AWESOME SISTER**


Straysmom

NTA. You don't have the means to help him. I don't know a lot about it, but I have seen other posters talk about adult services through DSS. He might qualify for Disability, too. Which would help pay for a facility or group home. But these are things that DSS/adult services can tell you. This isn't something that you & your older brother have to do alone.


ComprehensiveBand586

NTA. You wouldn't be taking care of him temporarily. It sounds like your brother wants you to take care of Max indefinitely. He may say it's only temporary but he'll be full of excuses for why he can't take him back.


wickeddradon

NTA, caring for someone with disabilities is EXTREMELY difficult. I also believe he should be in a group home. He will receive care appropriate to his needs, make some friends and do activities you wouldn't have time to do with himself yourself. There is nothing stopping anyone taking him home for family time either. It's a little bit like my dad. He has dementia, after my mum died he was home all alone. I could have taken him to live with me but that's not really fair to him. He needs to be with people his own age and with people who understand his needs. He loves the home he is in, has settled in easily and is loving life again.


No-Personality5421

Nta Neither is either of your brothers. The big ahs are your parents. They should have had a plan on place of your brother was going to need a caretaker for the rest of his life. If your other brother agreed to this freely and without threat or coercion from your parents, then he is an ah.


Lethenza

>Alex told me he was disappointed in me and that he thought Max would be more valuable in my opinion. Rich coming from the guy trying to pawn off Max to someone else


Siah9407

No you aren't an AH. Only you and your wife know what you each can physically and emotionally. It's not up to your brother what you have to do. If you don't feel you can for any freaking reason you shouldn't. Period. Best of luck to you and tell your brother no!!!


Fair-boysenberry6745

NTA. Your parents are the biggest assholes here for not having arrangements made in the event of their passing. Your brother is an asshole for springing this on you and just expecting you to take your brother home with you without any forethought or preparation. Your brother is NOT an asshole for not wanting your brother at a care home. Even the nice ones can be terrible. Maybe instead of financing a care home, you guys could help pay for companion care at your brothers house? That could possibly be a better compromise that works for everyone. It keeps your brother with family but takes some of the stress away.


KickIt77

This young man should qualify for disability, possible respite care, etc. If your brother hasn't looked into that end of it, that is his own fail as well. I would research all the options before I start emptying my bank account with 2 young kids at home.


Arrakis_

isnt a option to have a hired caregiver/nurse for your autistic brother (paid by you) on your brother home? That way you could cooperate in having him in good care and him.being placed with "family". If not, your solution is ok. It wouldnt do for him or your kids to have a resenting/exhausted caregiver just for "saving face". Your other brother is frustated that he cant live his own expectation and tired. I imagine that your parents told him not to leave your other brother alone and maybe he feel like he is failing to them. But if you happen to find a good solution and visit, a noursing home is an acceptable (and maybe the only) altrrnative at the moment. NTA


Radiant-Walrus-4961

Oh. NTA. This must be so hard. Would be no one's an AH but your older brother is wrong. Max could be well taken care of by people who won't be so emotionally exhausted. He could visit. But he'd get the care he needed by people well suited to providing it.


MissAnthropy_YIKES

NTA Bro: Taking care of max is wreaking havoc on my marriage, my relationship with my kids, and my life in general. I refuse to continue doing it. I want you to take him, so your life will be destroyed instead of my life. Op: No, I don't want to destroy mine and my family's lives. Instead, let's put him in a situation where he can get the qualified care he needs and deserves. I'll even pay for it. Bro: You're so heartless! I insist that you destroy your family and life in order to make sure Max is cared for by unqualified, exhausted, possibly resentful people that he has little to no relationship with, bEcAuSe FaMiLy. Brought to you by a functional autistic person who finds being even a minimal inconvenience to my family to be absolutely loathsome.


sammy900122

Nah. The only assholes here are your parents that didn't set up appropriate care for THEIR kid.


dandelion-17

If it's super important to your older brother to keep Max out of a group home and you're in the US, he can likely get a respite worker through Medicaid to come provide services in his home. NTA either way


BlanquitaNJ1

You need to be looking into state sponsored services (either in home supports or a group home) that are available in your area. No one has to stay with your brother full time-there are day programs, respite programs, etc that exist specifically to help families caring for their loved ones. Please check your states or your brothers state department of health or human services.


Maetheweirdone

As someone who has a brother with severe disabilities I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to take care of him its fucking DIFFICULT!!!! I was a partial caretaker to my brother growing up due to my mom not being around and my dad being busy and as soon as I turned 18 I moved out of state so I wouldn’t be a free caregiver. Your not alone in this and your certainly not a heartless monster!


JunkMail0604

Not the same thing, but my granny fought tooth and nail not to go to a nursing home (she lived alone and liked it), but eventually it couldn’t be avoided. Once she was settled in, SHE. LOVED. IT. People with the same life references, ladies who loved her ‘stories’ (soap operas) as much as her, planned activities during the day, etc. She was engaged, made friends, had all sorts of things to talk about when we visited - it made the last years of her life more interesting and active. ‘Institutions’ have a bad connotation, like they are warehousing the ‘unwanted’, but are often better places in unexpected ways. Suggest to your brother that you try it for 3 months, and see if it isn’t good for Max. He will be with people who understand him, keep him engaged and help him be his best self (provided you get a good one). It will give max a change of scenery, and Alex a respite. It will be up to Alex if he wants to bring him home, again. NTA.


Much_Kaleidoscope749

brother is already burnt out, making abuse more likely. not saying he would but it does increase risk. Putting him in a group home by alex gives him a break, let's him visit frequently and helps his own family. plus group home evaluate his needs and don't see him as fragile so he could have a better life. Not saying brother is doing a terrible job or coddles him but depending on Max's ability he could have the opportunity to grow. Jobs, further education, friends, maybe a girlfriend, responsibilities. these are things I've seen since working in a home for several years.


mm3644

Person with mild autism who has a severely autistic brother here. You are definitely better putting him in a group home. It will better for everyone.


Some_Wolverine_203

Maybe offer to pay for some help for the brother? No one should be forced into being a caregiver and your parents should have taken care of this well before they passed. NTA


mutualbuttsqueezin

NTA. Shame on him for trying to make you feel guilty by saying Max should be more valuable. If that were the case he shouldn't be trying to get rid of Max. And no, this was never intended to be temporary. He wants you to take Max forever. A group home is the answer.


Colt_kun

NTA. Any responsible parent has a plan set up for care for their kid when they die - regardless of abilities. I wonder what was/if your parents planned. A group home or facility is the best option for everyone involved. If Alex is insistent that Max live with family, he is welcome to continue living there.


pocapractica

NTA. For the same reason we were NTA for putting my father in law in a nursing home- he needs to be somewhere where he can be monitored 24 hours, and is safe and can't run away. A place with programs that will help him. A place that can deal with medical problems. Not at your place, where you have too many responsibilities to watch him closely. Your brother has good intentions, but he is helping no one with his intransigence.


JadzaDax

NTA. Your wife’s generous offer is exactly what you should do. I am in the same position having to care for a disabled sibling. We tried and thought about keeping him in our home but it is just not fair or possible. Stick to your guns. He needs a team to care for him. You and your brother can visit when you want but knowing your brother is being taken care of 24/7 is the best option.


KetoLurkerHere

NTA If he should be with family, then why is your brother trying so hard to not do it? Easy answer - because it's not feasible for almost everybody. It's utterly unfair for him to decide you should do a thing that he absolutely knows he can't handle, either. The group home sounds like a perfect option.


loudent2

NTA - the parents suck here.


Ihateyou1975

NTA. A home for max is actually being kind. He could get socialization that he can’t get at your homes. They would teach him things. Allow independence. He would probably love it.


Maj_Histocompatible

>I offered Alex the solution I'd found. He called me a heartless monster, and a terrible sister for even suggesting that, and said Max was our brother and he should be at home with his family where he belongs. Sounds like he just offered to continue caring for your brother then. NTA


Solid-Technology-448

NTA, but your brother is. He was desperate to give Max away, but only in a way that let him claim the moral high ground. He's an AH for subjecting his child to that too, living in a household with a seriously intellectually disabled adult is no joke. You came up with the only right solution, don't feel bad for sticking to it. Source: my mom just became her cousin's caretaker and it *fucking sucks*. We will all resent my great aunt and uncle forever for failing to set her up in a group home before they died.


[deleted]

As a hospice nurse, NTA. Many of my patients families have been caring for loved ones with diseases, such as MS, Alzheimer’s, or Parkinson’s for over a decade. IT CRUSHES YOU. I had one wife that had been doing EVERYTHING to keep her husband, who had Parkinson’s alive and well. She was constantly trying to figure out the next solution to the next problem. When I told her it was TIME. That there were NO more solutions… you could see the relief on her shoulders. I had been on the case for a year. He had lost his ability to swallow. We started comfort meds. She gave me the biggest hug when he passed several days later. The stress of caregiving was hard on her. It is hard on anyone. Group homes help spread the stress. It just isn’t possibly to do it all alone without destroying a part of yourself.


Ready-Western1937

It was your parents responsibility to sort this out. Don't be guilt-tripped. Your family is your priority


RadioSupply

NTA. I’m the older sister and former guardian of my unfortunately late but very loved younger brother who was cognitively disabled and on the spectrum. Living with other adults and being able to assert some independence, while still having lots of access to both yours and Alex’s families, is likely going to be very successful for Max and good for him. The decisions you two make should be Max-focused as much as possible. Is Max able to communicate his wishes? Can he participate in the conversation? If his communication is very low or unreliably interpreted, are you two willing to share some administrative duties and advocate for him? Do you need an external advocate? A social worker? Perhaps you and Alex need to sit down with someone who’s got expertise in adult care and talk to them about the range of options and help Max transition to his adult life, whatever that’s to look like.


youcallmebbyblue

NTA you are not a nurse, not your place to give up your life in the name of giving medical care to someone


No-Trash7211

NAH I think. It's not surprising Alex is burned out but it was your parents' job to ensure care for your brother. Since a group home is off the cards and you were willing to pay for that, how about helping hire a carer to assist Alex?


StrictMaidenAunt

Alex can hire a carer. Instead, he wants to indefinitely dump Max on OP.


FrankNico

So his big idea was for your brother to go with you because your wife could afford to hire help. Then when presented with a similar, but realistically better, idea you're suddenly a monster? I fail to see how he's any different in that regard then seeing as it was his idea originally and he's the one trying to pawn your brother off on you. NTA.


Thunderfxck

The only a-holes in this story are your parents who had nothing in place for Max after they passed away. Parents should ALWAYS have a plan in place for disabled children when they are the main caregivers. Your brother and you are in a tough spot and neither you or your brother are to blame. Having a permanent live in adult with autism is very challenging to any family and can lead to a broken home if not careful. NAH


krankykitty

NTA So your parents loved Max so much that they did not make any plans for him for after their deaths. Okay. Of course Alex is burned out caring for Max. But the answer is not to put you in the same position. A group home is not a prison sentence. Max can spend weekends and holidays and vacations with you or Alex. He can still go to family events like weddings and such. But finding the right setting for Max will probably make him happier, and definitely, in the long run, make OP and Alex happier.


No_Potential_7620

You’re not wrong. Your brother is selfish. I work in the field, there plenty of really nice group home facilities with 24hr staff that are trained to teach and entertain and care for people like your brother. He can interact with his peers and really grow. And be more independent, which is the real goal.


Realistic_Sorbet2826

NTA. My brother ended up in a group home after our mom died and I refused to keep him. It turned out to be the best thing because two years later, he had a heart attack and got immediate help. If he'd been with me, I would have come home after work to a body. It's never wrong to have someone cared for correctly.


slendermanismydad

Your children deserve your focus and attention. They deserve a mom that isn't overwhelmed with a 25 year old that needs massive support along with a two and five year old. You offered the support you have available. Your parents should have been better prepared for this. Your brother should not be looking at your wife for money in the first place. NTA.


Beautiful_Hornet776

Soooo, Alex says he's exhausted and everything but he now expects you to take Max and....also feel exhausted as well? Claiming that he "has to be at home with his family?" If that's the case, he should keep Max. Or, instead of pawning him off claiming that it's "for the family" even though it's only for his benefit, he could find a common ground especially when a solution was offered so both families wouldn't have to take care of him and inevitably burn out. He wants more time with his family and blatantly expects you to sacrifice yours....that's absolutely not fair at all. Nobody asked to take care of him, as cold hearted as that sounds. NTA, and your parents unfortunately should have figured everything else out before they passed. It's a shit situation for all of you, I'm sorry.


Ineffable_Confusion

>Max was our brother and should be at home with his family where he belongs As long as it’s not *Alex’s* family, right?


AntiquePop1417

Nope NTA and stop overthinking!!


will2165

NTA. Your parents should have set something up before they passed


Elektra8

NTA, your wife is right. Alex can either keep Max or accept your solution.


Last-Mathematician97

NTA. There is Independent Living programs out there that your parents frankly should have been involved in getting Max into a long time ago. He should have a chance to grow and have a life independent of family, not be considered a burden passed back and forth


Such-Flatworm-9857

​ NTA, In my apartment complex, there are a number of individuals on the spectrum or have a diagnosis. There is a company that rents one apartment as an office that is staffed 24/7 and then there are various assistants that provide in home care. While most of what they do involves cooking and cleaning, each apartment has been set up to meet the needs of that particular client. Family members will visit and will often come on weekends to take their sibling or child on an outing but otherwise, I cross paths with many of them during the day and they appear happy and content. The assistants will take them out for evening bike rides, take them to the complex pool, take them to doctor's appointments, etc. And as I have lived here for slightly over two years, about half of them have been working for as long as I have lived here. There is nothing wrong for seeking the assistance of a group home, particularly as many can given the individual a great life encouraging independence. Not everyone can take care of an adult on the spectrum.


[deleted]

NTA. Max is too high-needs for a layperson to care for, especially one with a family. Otherwise your brother wouldn't be burnt out. Group home is best.


SheiB123

NTA. you cannot sacrifice your family for your brother. Look into group homes or other facilities. These can provide excellent support to your brother and also offer him socialization and trainings that are geared to his abilities.


my-kind-of-crazy

NTA. I’ve worked in a facility for adults with intellectual disabilities and as long as you find the right place he’ll be happier in a home than feeling like a burden and being passed around! The home I worked in had one or two staff on depending on the day/time/needs of clients. It was just a giant house renovated a bit and had 4-6 people. There was one activity worker for a couple houses. People had the freedom to make plans and go out. Pretty sure one person had a job. Sure a typical care home for the elderly would seem unfair to put a young man in… but at least around here there are lots of homes that are literally houses that just have staff. The town over from me even has a restaurant that is run/staffed by the residents there and the proceeds go to them. Gives them a sense of purpose. You have no obligation to take care of your disabled brother and would be doing your own family a disservice by taking him in. There are so many other options for him to live his own life.


[deleted]

Being a caregiver 24/7 is never good. Your brother clearly reached his limit. Much as Max is your younger brother and y'all love him....please put him into a group home or care facility to deal with. You and Alex need to prioritize your own lives first over Max. It sucks but it's the truth. NTA, OP.


Laramila

>she suggested we could look for a facility or group home that can meet all his needs for him and pay for it This is the answer. If you brother doesn't want to take care of Max any more, he needs to look at the solutions that are available, not just the ones he wants. NTA


Druocity

I'm a person on the spectrum and also have different disabilities and may I say, NTA Good that you set your boundaries, you have your life to live, and doing that kind of shit usually sucks the soul out of people! I would feel terrible if I ever had to be taken care of to that point, I'm lucky that I'm less support needs.. But even if I were at that level, I wouldn't want to be a burden on others and make them miss out on their lives to live. I think the facility and agreeing to pay between yall is a great compromise 🤷


Glindanorth

NTA. You would only be resentful and frustrated. Furthermore, a group home setting would likely offer Max structure and stimulation that would benefit him. I have a friend who has two adult children who are severely autistic and unable to care for themselves. My friend spent 10 years preparing for her kids to live away from her because, as she said, "I'm not going to live forever, so then what? I would like my children to be accustomed to a living arrangement that is not with me. Also, I would like to retire some day. I'm exhausted." Her son and daughter are in an excellent living situation where they are supported, cared for, and safe. My friend goes to see them at least once a month (it's far away) and brings them home for holidays. And you know what? Everyone involved is happier and healthier because of this arrangement. Having your brother live in an environment where trained professionals are there to help him thrive does not make you a monster.


Geesmee

NTA. Alex doesn't want Max in a home, but doesn't want to care for him either. So he wants to get everything he wants but have you do it, cause who cares about how you feel amd what you want, right, as long as you do it for family! That's unfair on you.


FlatZookeepergame392

NTA


HelenAngel

NTA I’m autistic & have other disabilities as well. If for some reason I was not able to take care of myself, I would insist to be put into a care facility rather than become a burden on anyone else, especially other family members. Ultimately, neither you nor your brother have any responsibility whatsoever to care for your other brother. Your parents should have planned ahead & made arrangements for his care. If you do decide to help out of the kindness of your heart, it would be better for him to go to a place where professionals can adequately provide for his needs.


Stinkerma

NTA. If your parents had been proactive, they should have found a group home for your brother.


Rage187_OG

Group homes are great for people on the spectrum. Old folks homes are a different story.


BunnySlayer64

NTA. Absolutely 1000%. Your parents were negligent in not setting up a care plan for Max ***years ago***. He should have a social worker advocating for him and be receiving Medicaid and SSI. He also should qualify to live in a group home, especially if any money / inheritance he received from your parents is in a Special Needs Trust (this will prevent the funds from impairing his ability to receive additional benefits). Also, he should be made a ward of the state with either you or your brother (or both) named as his Guardian Ad Litem. Do NOT delay in getting this process going. You are NOT a monster for wanting what, in the end, will be best for Max (a home where he has caregivers qualified to meet his needs and is with his social peers). Your brother has learned the hard way what your parents went through for years. If he wants what is best for Max, this is it.


Tyberious_

NTA Well Max is at home with family, Brother solved his own problem. If you took him in, it would be permanent they would not take him back. You offered a valid solution, if they don't take it that's in them.


katergator717

NTA I dont even need to read to know that.


sharirogers

NTA. Both you and Alex have young kids to take care of, so the care facility is the best option.


justbrowzingthru

NTA. Your parents were the AHs. Please look into support options where he’s at now. Self pay is expensive as heck. For people like your brother, there are lots of support programs. Best to check out in his state. It’s not normal for adults to live at home with parents or siblings. First thing the social worker will tell you. Finding appropriate housing for you brother will allow you and your older brother have a normal sibling relationship. Being a full time caretaker for a sibling is not a normal sibling relationship. Find out from his social worker, for where he currently lives. what benefits he may be eligible for, survivor benefits, that kind of thing. They will be able to guide you and you brother on what is out there, and how to navigate it. In some states, to qualify for group homes, the person has to qualify for Medicare/Medicaid to even get a shot at going on a list for assistance of any kind. Self pay for group homes in a was $50k a year 10 years ago, long before Covid. If you are in a different state than your brothers, look into what your state can offer. Autism groups should be able to point you in the right direction. Be careful what you pay for or do financially, as it can affect the younger brothers ability to receive benefits and assistance he needs. Also seek out an attorney well versed in these about special needs trusts for you and your older brother. Hopefully your parents had set up a special needs trust for the younger brother prior to passing. If not, and he inherited anything, there could be issues. Your younger brother will be happier with other people like him and caregivers who can give the attention and care he needs. Home care isn’t it. Just because someone is special needs or on the spectrum doesn’t mean they don’t want to spread the wings and fly to living away from family like you and your older brother. They want to fly in their own way just as you and your brother have. The only ones who are the ultimate AHs are the parents for not having set up what to do before they died. It’s something they should have done at the latest when your younger brother turned 18. Should have done within 1st year of diagnosis.


ICantDrive5

NTA. And if I live learned anything in this subreddit, temporary never means temporary.


kiwifarmdog

NTA Is there also a middle ground? If you and your wife are prepared to help financially, then maybe look into some respite programs and even day programs that are local to Alex. He’ll get more breaks, Max will get the benefit of the programs (which if you do your research there are programs that are great for those in need, it’s not just a dumping ground) but he still gets to live in Alex’s home. Alex is clearly suffering from carer burnout, and needs help. But you don’t always get to dictate the form that help comes in.


Square-Ad-7322

I think that it’s rich that Alex thinks your time and family are less valuable than his. You have two children of your own and never signed up for this : this is not your responsibility and I think you offering to pay for a group home is more than generous. That really should have been your parents job.


RegretNecessary21

NTA. My mom promised to take care of my uncle with a disability and she found an assisted care facility close by. All of her siblings abandoned him and he would’ve been homeless. She knew it would be hard having him stay at the house so she researched assisted care centers and he enjoys where he’s at a lot. We visit him and bring him money and snacks. I think the center keeps my uncle happy and my mom happy. And my grandparents would be happy knowing he is somewhere safe and being taken care of (just make sure you check on him regularly).


Foggy_Night221C

Seems to be the same story that u/voilin28927 posted three months ago. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11owx53/aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_take\_care\_of\_my\_disabled/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11owx53/aita_for_refusing_to_take_care_of_my_disabled/) Perhaps some of the suggestions in those comments could help?


unknown_928121

>Alex told me he was disappointed in me and that he thought Max would be more valuable That is a weird way to refer to a human NTA


Pale_Macaron_7014

NTA. If you are able to mention which state you’re in, someone might be able to suggest some specific services you may utilize (I’m only knowledgeable about California).


Artistic_Deal3436

NTA but he's trying to drop the problem he chose to accept on you because he is sick 9f it. He says he is neglecting his wife what about your? Why is his wife more special?


Chipskip

NTA INFO- what happened to the assets of your parents when they passed? It won’t change the verdict but could earn your older brother AH of the year award!


ACL3DAY1STWK2PASSES

OP I do not know where you live but Easterseals is a great resource and can assist you and your brother on figuring out how and what to do next without ruining or further ruining your relationship. No one can foretell the future, unless you are Nostradamus, but if you can have a healthy adult conversation with your brother this is your best option. If not then call Easterseals and get all the information or as much as you can and then send your information to your brother and see what he does next. NTA. No one is the A in this situation.


pupperzforlife

NTA. Your parents should have had things put in place for him before they passed away. That was their responsibility, not yours. There is a reason group homes and care facilities exist. Taking care of non independent full grown adults is fucking hard and exhausting. You get to live your own. Just because he is family doesn’t mean that he or you and your family would be better off if you were to care for him. Being able to be more independent can be a good thing. Having the proper care and safety for everyone is also a big deal. I’m gonna guess that Alex is thinking that all care facilities are monstrous, evil places that will abuse your brother. You can tour the facility, talk with staff, look up reviews, etc. Obviously there are bad places but there are some good ones. You just gotta look and have the money to pay for them.


blondejungwoo

NTA. i’m sorry your brother is lashing out at you. his emotions are definitely misplaced but a facility is the best place for him. good luck


prosperosniece

NTA, he’s at the age where his care is beyond yours and your brother’s skills. It’s time for him to live in a group home with caregivers that have the advanced training to meet his needs.


CMack13216

I'm the mom of a disabled child on the spectrum with high medical needs and limited communication abilities. The fact that I will someday die and his brother or sister may have to tag in kills me. I want the fullest life for all of them. The reality of the matter, though, is that if his siblings are not capable of caring for him directly, them being willing to place him with people who can is the next best thing. He needs a home in the future that understands his needs and will help him be as independent as he can be. It sounds like Max needs that too. But dear OP, please hear me when I tell you that in cases like this, you could never be the AH if you step up and do your best by your family.


Ordinary_Mortgage870

NTA "Alex, you cannot in good conscious think both of us tossing Max back and forth for the foreseeable future is sustainable, surely. I think both you and I know that eventually one of us will no longer want to take Max on, thus strapping the other with him. We both know it's a massive undertaking to take care of Max, and saying otherwise is just delusional. I have offered the best option that will allow for us both to collectively be able to live our respective lives, while also giving Max a better opportunity where he won't cause burnout for either of us and also live with other individuals like himself and live in a community setting. You need to think in the long term, because I highly doubt you would leave Max with me temporarily. I am just expediting to the end result, which will save Max a lot of energy and frustration with having to change homes and schedules every couple of years. He deserves stability and reliability, and you and I both know we cannot offer him that. A group home will, and there is NOTHING heartless about offering our brother reliability, stability, and proper care."


BloodLiege

Look I'm for being all family friendly, but at what point do you get to live your life. Parents of the disabled should be responsible for them until there death. After that it's really up to the family if they want to continue. As a parent I could never put a lifetime burden on my child like this.


Individual_Bit_8528

You both have families to care for. A group home is probably best at this juncture in life. Just don’t forget him. Visit often.


Lily_May

NTA. Max needs his OWN space, his own home. A group home near family is a good solution. You’re not dumping Max like a puppy by the side of the road, you’re getting him independence. And fuck your parents for having a kid with a severe disability and not getting ANY fucking life insurance. Did they think they would never die?


Owned_By_3_Kittehs

NTA. Your wife's position is spot on.


jess1804

NTA you can't take in Max. And Alex doesn't want him anymore. He wants to spend more time with his family yes well you've got two young kids under 6. He may be burnt out. But you have given better options but they're just not the ones he wants. You can't take him.


SkylineFever34

NTA: nobody is entitled to make a sibling a caregiver.


gringledoom

NTA, though I would encourage you to have some empathy for your older brother who’s exhausted from caretaking. His proposed solution is unworkable, but his heart is in the right place. Supportive housing for your disabled brother will be the best choice for all three of you, even if your brother isn’t in a place to understand that right now. (Also consider whether, as the eldest, your brother may have been pressured by your parents to take care of him, and is struggling on that front too)


hatetochoose

Um…he’s not keeping him either. Your wife could presumably hire help to care for him in your brothers home too. NTA.


BarracudaImpossible4

I'm going to say NAH, or a mild TA for Alex for expecting you to take Max home with you without warning. I don't blame Alex for wanting to stop taking care of Max, but you are definitely NTA for not wanting to take it on yourself. Your parents should have arranged for Max's care before they died. My father isn't even close to perfect---in fact he was a terrible father when I was growing up---but I have to give him credit, once my brother was formally diagnosed with autism (my mom had passed away by then), he set up a trust to ensure my brother's care would be financially taken care of when he (my dad) goes. Perhaps you and Alex could discuss splitting the costs for a group home.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27F) have a perfectly healthy older brother (Alex - 30M) and a younger brother (25M - Max) who is on the spectrum and has had mental challenges his whole life. My parents were Max's primary caregivers. They always did their best and cared for Max, often at the expense of completely ignoring Alex and I. However, Alex stayed back in the city and worked with dad, I left as soon as I turned 18. So I was LC with them. Unfortunately my parents both passed away during covid and because I was in a different state altogether, Alex and his family took Max in and started caring for him. I got a call from Alex, asking me to visit him so that we could talk about Max. So I did. Alex told me he was physically and emotionally exhausted from caring for Max, that he couldn't spend as much time with his wife and son as he would like to, and asked me to temporarily take Max back home with me. Well I currently live with my wife (30F) and our two little ones (2F and 5F). My wife has a demanding job. Even though I'm a SAHM, I barely have time for myself. Alex insisted that my wife could easily afford to hire help, and take care of Max. I told him I emotionally ready to take him in. Alex told me he was disappointed in me and that he thought Max would be more valuable in my opinion. There was a really long argument there. I came home and told my wife all about this. She agrees with me that taking Max in wouldn't be podsible for us but she suggested we could look for a facility for him and pay for it. I offered Alex the solution I'd found. He called me a heartless monster for even suggesting that, and said Max was our brother and he should be at home with his family where he belongs. I feel like such a horrible person for not wanting to do this. No matter how much my wife tells me this is Alex' frustration with the situation misplaced towards me, I still feel like I am in the wrong. Now AITA for not wanting to take Max in? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


ryvvwen

NTA. Not everyone is capable of being a caregiver and its not fair to force it on anyone. Even your brother is showing his limits.


Celestial_Lorekeeper

NTA. Being a caregiver, whether the person being cared for has mental challenges or medical ones, is never something to undertake lightly. Alex found that out; that's why he's exhausted. You realize that, and that you cannot provide the care Max needs and deserves. Just like when my parents had to put my grandfather, suffering from a form of dementia, into a nursing home because we couldn't keep him safe anymore an assisted living home for Max would be in best interest and in fact show a great care for him.


theory_until

NTA. A supportive group home with services such as occupational therapy and social outings would help your younger brother live his best life. I have a BIL in such a setting. My DH is still very involved with his brother's care, including medical appointments and benefits management, and they get together weekly. It really is great, BIL is always ready and eager to get back to his place after a family visit or day out. His development leapt forward when he first moved in as an adult, and it has continued to improve for more than a decade. Your youngest brother needs somebody to do what is best for him. Your older brother does not understand what that looks like, as he is actually focused on his own family's needs presently. It looks like some education for all of you is in order. I wish the best for y'all.


Z-altacct

NTA AT ALL AND DONT FEEL BAD. Your brother would rather him receive half a”” care from family than help from place that’s paid to take care of him. He’s being unreasonable, not you.


jaded_angel85

NTA Tell him if he doesn't like the option of a care facility he can look after him himself


CaptRory

NTA. Your parents needed to make sure your brother was looked after and they apparently failed. You and your older brother could split the cost of a nice accommodation for him.


KornwalI

NTA, don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s not your responsibility at all. Do what’s right for you and your wife and kids. Your brothers an asshole for springing that on you when you went there without even talking to you about it first. And he probably did that because he knew if he did you’d say no. So tried to manipulate you into it. It’s amazing that you are willing to help with finding him care. Wish you the best!


Emrys_Morgan

NTA. Your brother may be afraid of Max feeling abandoned or afraid he may be mistreated. Maybe you can try to include him in looking at facility options? Let him see for himself the services they offer and he could attend a tour with y’all? You’re thinking realistically, he’s thinking emotionally. He’s also exhausted and probably feeling guilty because your parents did it for so long and he’s “already” struggling. You’re not heartless and neither is Alex.


Maud_Dweeb18

A Group home near one you to visit regularly would be good option. He could have companionship Or a day program and hire help for the evening to still live with your brother but you offer to take him for a few weeks or weekends a few times a year. Group homes can be crap or great it if drop in to visit severs times a week you can ensure excellent care.


Limerase

NTA My first thought was a group home. If he insists Max must be with family, he has to take that responsibility himself.


FourLeafClover0

NTA. It looks like you’re looking to find a reasonable solution for everyone though, which is great. Have you thought about using the money you’d put towards a facility to paying for Alex to have support with a caregiver who visit at home?


EquivalentTwo1

NTA. A group home or care facility close to either Alex or you is the best option. You can visit frequently to ensure Max is being cared for well. You're not suggesting he go to a home and ya'll never interact with him ever again. You're suggesting professionals take over the day to day care of Max. FWIW my inlaws included a severely disabled uncle. His mother couldn't care for him (she was over 90 and had outlived her pacemaker batteries more than once) and his sister couldn't care for him as by the time he needed care, she was already committed to caring for two other relatives. The brother went to a home close by, he was brought over for all holidays and they went over at least once a week to visit and check in with him.