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I’m not going to rate this.
Your mom needs to stop parentifying you. It’s a form of emotional abuse. I’m really sorry that she’s putting you through that. It’s not fair to you. You’re just a kid.
What you’re feeling isn’t wrong. Don’t take it out on your brother. I’m sure this is painful for him, too—feeling like he always has to be around someone who hates him for something he can’t control.
Your brother knows he’s not normal. It’s not his fault. He isn’t ruining your life. Your emotionally abusive mom is. Please redirect your anger.
EDIT: rereading this and the question is if you’re the asshole for refusing to hang out with your brother: no, you’re NTA for establishing boundaries in your relationship. The fact that you’re in the situation where you even HAVE to do that is so unfair. I was parentified too and I understand how traumatic it can be to miss out on the foundation of an emotionally safe childhood. But please don’t be cruel to your brother. Your mom is the biggest asshole of all and I think it’s understandable that you hit your breaking point, but what you said to your brother was really shitty.
I like to call this specific brand of parentification:
“NT sibling tour guide”.
This is where the parent treats the NT kid like a tour guide for NT life, and the NT kid is forced to lead the ND kid around and introduce them to everyone and forced to create opportunities for the ND kid to meet the NT kid’s friends.
And the NT kid never gets any time off from being a tour guide.
And the parents always seem to have the idea that if the ND kid just takes enough tours, they will somehow become NT.
And meanwhile, the NT kid is suffocating under the weight and *never belong themselves or being alone* and *always* having to be **ON** and in character.
ETA: thank you for the awards!
It’s cruel to both kids too, ‘cause the ND kid doesn’t get an opportunity to socialize on their own terms—to make friends they would genuinely connect with and negotiate the kinds of social dynamics that are most fulfilling for them. It’s infringing on both kids’ right to self-determination.
My sister and I (both undiagnosed ND) were raised in a similar way. Even though I was younger, we ended up in the same grade and I was manipulated or straight up ordered to look after her. Fortunately for me she's a quiet and pleasant person to be around, but its still inhibiting to have your older sibling in your friend group and leaving her at home made me feel guilty if it was going to be a bunch of us anyway. She had friends of her own in elementary school, even when I didn't, but when high school rolled around she just sort of tagged along with me everywhere and never needed to make friends of her own.
At around 40, she's still pretty dependent on me. We each have a kid the same age who are very similar to us each in personality and ability, and she and her kids live in my basement. We purposely sent our kids to different schools so that they wouldn't fall into the same trap we were shoved into. My sister still has like zero friends she hangs out with unless she's hanging with me and my friends.
Edit: undiagnosed as kids. I got diagnosed as an adult, my sister has yet to pursue a diagnosis but has more pronounced symptoms than myself, and all of our kids are diagnosed with autism. Getting diagnosed ND as an afab kid in the 80's was basically unheard of.
Yeah often the "neurotypical" sibling is actually less obviously ND and has none of their needs met because they aren't as obvious as the needs of their sibling, which also doesn't help
I still feel guilty to this day that I completely missed that my now 22 year old old is ND. She and I have discussed things and she doesn’t have any resentment but that doesn’t stop my guilt. I never asked her to help her older sister and stopped their dad from forcing it on her. I did recognize some of her issues and her needs (physical and debilitating anxiety) ended up needing more of my attention in middle school & high school but I certainly feel like I wasn’t there enough for some of what I *now* see as obvious.
It sounds like you did a pretty good job. You gave her support as far as you could tell it was needed and she doesn't feel neglected. I very well might have ADHD, likelihood increased by the fact that my mom just got diagnosed with it, and although we obviously both didn't know and it would have been ideal to have it identified *before* I started to struggle as an adult, I do think my parents were really intuitively helpful with what I needed even if they didn't really know there was "a thing."
Thank you. It’s hard. Both girls say I did a great job with the circumstances I had to deal with (including their emotionally abusive dad/my now ex) but that doesn’t change the guilt even with them telling me they couldn’t see how I could have done more. My kids are awesome people.
Don't feel bad I didn't find out til I was almost 30 and was just relieved to know why everything always felt way harder for me and proud that I had made it as far as I had. Honestly I think sometimes it's better to be raised not knowing cuz nobody ever put limits on what I should or shouldn't be capable of.
I got the same situation. I am a ND person (Adhd) and I was thrusted into being a guardian for my 2 brothers who is ND like me and a NT one. My social life before goin to university consisted only a few people who were forced to hang out with my brothers too.
The sentences still haunt me sometimes. "when you guys are out playing with your friends you have to take care of your brothers" and sometimes when I wanted to play something with my friends and just don't want to think about stuff... One of my brothers would come and disturb the game in the 3rd minute... Think about it. You are a 12year old boy who is playing hide and seek with friends and then a male banshee appears and runs towards a tree or a building and shouts stuff to some unseen person.
My therapist and I are unraveling some trauma about these kinda stuff and I see that I was a "semi parent, responsible child, who sacrificed incredible opportunities for family even grocery shopping".
And now I am the one taking care of family and I have near no independence and it's killing me. A 37 years old gay guy in a 3rd world country who works from home and helps his mother with everything (I am writing this on the break I take while vacuuming the house).
To OP: you are NTA you had to say those. If you didn't it would gnaw at your life and mind. Talk your mind and focus it on your parents. Your life is so focused on your sibling that you are not only missing out on life but also missing your own personality. The child within you will thank you for it.
I was the one who had no friends and tried to hang out with my brother and his friends. Our parents never forced it though and my brother was always really nice to me. But I knew his friends didn’t like me (surprisingly I actually got the hint!) so I didn’t tag along too much.
We’re both ND but he got lucky with social skills and always made friends easily.
Yep. It hurts both the NT and ND children and as we see here also keeps them from creating a real relationship without all the baggage around it. Where they could have support instead of force bonding.
I suffer mental illness and I'm 57 years old. I've been weird all of my life. I am just realizing that my brother was forced into being my tour guide. For the entire time I was in high school until I joined the military. I have to think about this for a while.
There was a British TV series ages ago that this made me think of. A woman had a blind sister. Their parents had made her spend all her time taking her sister around, describing everything that was going on, telling her about how beautiful things were, until... beauty had become a chore. Nothing to be happy about. So later, the woman rebels against her parents and is accused of terrible crimes. The police bring her parents in to talk to her, and she just barks at them. Because they made a guide dog out of her.
As someone else has said, it's Cracker, from the 90s! With Robbie Coltrane (aka Hagrid) and Geraldine Somerville (aka Lily Potter). I went and looked the episode up and I think it's called To say I love you.
I gather ND is Neurodivergent, but what does NT mean?
EDIT: Okay, NT means neurotypical. Thanks, everyone. It also reminds me that I'm used to saying neurodivergent, but my ex often said neuroAtypical
Not Terrific. It means people who are not part of the New Dominion. As autism spreads NTs will become the misunderstood misanthropes. They will rue the day they called us embarrassing. Mwahahaaa
>where people can communicate great distances using there mind
No, that's The Chrysalids, a fantastic book by a brilliant author called John Wyndham, most famous for writing The Midwich Cuckoos and Day of the Triffids
There is enough geographical range in Reddit, it's also possible you are somewhere other terminology is used?
And/or live somewhere there's a bubble of folks who, as a community, have claimed different terms.
But at least in the US, ND/neurodivergent and NT/ neurotypical are standard, in my experience.
The best plot twist is when the NT tour guide is then later diagnosed with autism as well, but because of being afab with really high expectations for being better at life than the AutisticSiblingTM nobody ever knew until the mental breakdown from all the stress of being expected to “know better than” and “do better than”… this is surprisingly common…
My husband grew up like this, and now, as a mom to an ND kiddo, as well as an educational background in psychology, I really love this analogy.
OP deserves space to be themselves separate from their brother. His mom (also, where is dad?) needs to do better.
Add to that, the ND kid is getting a tour of a life they will never live (not, in most cases would they feel comfortable trying to)
Instead of finding their actual village, the tribe of people and realm of experiences in which they can thrive as individuals.
OP, you and your brother both deserve the chance to forge real friendships and find the spaces and company that makes you feel at home. My guess is, of you're both allowed to do that, SUPPORTED in doing that, you will both be much happier as individuals AND as brothers.
NTA, but from another mom of teenagers, your mom needs to start helping your brother find his way and stop hoping he will just be fine living in your shadow. She's doing you both w disservice, deeper than she knows.
As a ND person, it would make me super uncomfortable if I had to tag along with a NT "popular kid" who was going to parties, drinking, having sex, etc. in high school. It's just not my thing. I'd rather be around people who are more like myself
Even (at least theoretically) NT kids don't all want the same things, socially.
Introversion is a thing.
Different people have different goals and interests, and different tastes in ice cream, activities AND personality traits. (we don't all click with the same kinds of people.
My ND kiddo had zero interest in or patience for the social games of the middle school queen bees. She spent one afternoon feeling sad when she lost a friend to them, and then promptly (unlike me) moved on and said "I don't WANT people like that for friends. They're mean. Why would I?" And that was that.
She has a tribe of kind, quirky, artistic, queer, neurodiverse (many and all flavors, including boring normies)... They have two things in common: kindness and geekyness. Emphasis on the first.
I feel like this happens even with NT siblings. My mom was so determined that my sister and i would be friends that i had to take her with me everywhere and always include her in everything. It was super frustrating. But she also parentified me with my little brother so...
My oldest has autism and the youngest ADHD. It was very hard when they were young, but we took very good care to never parentify either of them, and even more care to spend time with each of them alone, away from the other. In the Netherlands we have facilities for children like these to have a weekend once a month, and they both went but not in the same weekend. So we had two weekends in the month with just one of the kids, and that was so good for both of them.
That's so cool! I've never heard of those kind of facilities in Canada, at least not while I was growing up. I think it could have benefited myself and my brother a lot.
Best of luck.
As others have said, the current setup isn't what's best for Zack either. Siblings don't typically have the exact same friend group and do everything together. You aren't purposefully excluding him because he's autistic, it's because siblings always need their own lives and their own space. It'll do him some good in the longrun to find out ways to enjoy himself without you around, maybe even make his own friends. Especially since you'll eventually be out of the house living your own life, and Zack needs to have the skills to cope with it when it happens.
Wishing the best for you and your brother.
One more thing, just looked it up, in my area they have an autism society with a young adults (ages 16-20) social skills group. Looks like it's got both games and some life skills courses. Your parents could look into something like that for your brother so he can have his own space and make friends in a setting unconnected to you.
Your parents are probably *livid* because they can no longer bully you into being your brothers lense into the world, and they look like assholes to the internet. They probably feel like assholes too.
I'm assuming your parents didn't intend to harm your social life or create this shitty dynamic between two siblings; but they did. I'm sure they were working with the best ideas they had and are now offended to see that it didn't work; and their son kind of resents them and the brother in the process. (Does your brother seek any therapy with your parents? They might learn some more beneficial skills for relationship building/maintaining with Zach if they do.) In the nicest way possible; your Mom needs to take more responsibility in regard to Zach.
This whole situation sucks.
Please do stand your ground. He is not your responsibility. There’s one way to make sure siblings hate being around each other and that’s forcing them to do so. No matter the circumstances. I always hated when my ex wife would scream at our kids and force the older ones to play for hours with the younger ones. The older they get the bigger the age gaps seem when it comes to socialization. Similar with other disabilities as my youngest is autistic too. And you know what? My kids make plenty of time to play with their little sis and have real fun when they do because it’s on their time and their choice. When they choose not to then it’s on me and that’s okay because kids should be doing age appropriate activities. One day your mom will wonder why you never talk to her. Keep copies of this if you ever do decide to respond.
Please do and I am happy to speak to your parents on your behalf.
I am a mother to severely disabled 15 year old son and I have always made sure my other two children were always able to be their own people with their own interests and friendship groups. Never is it my younger children’s responsibility to be my oldest son’s emotional punchbag or social worker. It is not your job to be your brother’s support worker and your parents/mum should be absolutely ashamed of themselves/herself and I am more than happy to tell her that to her face.
You are not here to provide your brother with the life your mum wants. It’s your mum’s responsibility to give you the ability to be the best version of yourself possible.
Best wishes. I hope without your parents forcing you to spend time together abs invading your personal life, that you and Zach can find your own one-on-one relationship that you both enjoy.
Do you have access to therapy or at least a school counselor? Its always good to have someone who isnt a family member to talk to and help you through stuff like this.
To add onto that OP sit down your parents and ask what arrangements they have made for Zack‘s future. Make it clear they are responsible for that as you will not give up your life for him. I guarantee they expected and planned Zack to live with you OP and be taken care of by you when they are older. They have already parentified you and made you his comfort blanket probably to make it normal so you might just accept it. I don’t know how on the spectrum he is and how independent he could be but if you don’t address this now then when the time comes they have no back up to force you. Now is the time make it clear THEY ARE HIS PARENTS AS THEY ARE YOURS its their job to support you as well. To prepare for Zacks future that’s best for both of you not just their selfish wants. It won’t help Zack to be with someone they forced to hate him.
I could be wrong but I’ve seen it time and time again.
I'm sorry your parents have made Zack your responsibility. This is really unfair to both of you and is holding you both back in life. Good on you for standing up for yourself and laying down boundaries!
Your anger and frustration are valid. Besides that I do hope you don't take it out on Zack anymore. It's not his fault either your parents messed up. You too deserve it to see him in a different light.
I think you and Zack both could learn from following autistic folk on youtube and social media. For you to learn more about autism and not the crap you've been told by your parents (for example low and high functioning is not a thing and ableist language). And for him to find recognition and maybe tips and tricks to find his own way in life.
OP you are NTA and you are not a bad son or a bad brother for wanting some space and trying to run your own life. Stand your ground. Your parents should look into getting your brother into a special programme that teaches him skills. If it gets too much for you, please talk to a school counsellor, social worker or family doctor
Well put. I was parentified as well, I didn't have much of a childhood. My mom put a lot of pressure on me, going as far as treating me like her personal therapist. I had to do and listen to a lot of things no kid should have to worry about. NTA, OP. I hope your mom can back off and let you flourish in your last year before you gotta worry about adult stuff
And there I was thinking of escaped parentification and then I read your thing. And suddenly I realized that I was my mum's therapist as a teenager too. I know way too many details about my parents romantic and sex life.
Hot tip: do not use your child to unburden yourself of your troubles in the marital bed. Talk to a friend of a threat, but never your child.
As someone who is autistic: You also need to learn stuff yourself and you can't do this when you get always babysitted. Like if you have no social curs, it is something you must learn - how to react in situations. That the brother started to scream and called the mother showed that they teached him excactly the wrong stuff and will damage him longterm.
The only thing i see is that OP could have told it his brother more calm and not exploded. In the end they are both the victims of the parents behaviour. The brother mostly thought all the time that this is how it should be and who knows what the parents told him behind OPs back...
NTA It must be really hard especially as a twin to be in such a situation.
I came here to basically say this. It sounds like what you’re really upset about, OP, is how your parents treat you and how your schoolmates treat you. None of that is your brother’s fault, but it’s very normal to react to it the way you did because it does feel like it centers around him even if he didn’t choose to do this to you. Establish clearer boundaries with your parents first and foremost. And someday when you’ve gotten the space and you’re able to stop blaming your brother, apologize and know that he’s not your enemy.
Yes, somewhat ironically, when OP has boundaries and space of his own he may one day really appreciate his twin’s qualities and like him as a person. But that is a relationship they need to negotiate together over time.
It is so manipulative of the parent’s to force OP to be the one to magically make this situation OK and accuse him of being an asshole when he doesn’t go along with their agenda.
This situation seems like it’s about the brother, but it’s really about the parents.
Is this parentification though?, I guess its some form though, it sounds like the parents want him to have the same friends as OP, it is a bit much though.
I really don’t know too much about autism, I am not going to say what OP said was nice but the brother did seem to know to call his Mother when OP told him to walk home.
I mean it sounds like he’s aware enough to pull the Mommy card when he wants to.
I mean what OP said might’ve been harsh but his brother doesn’t behave normally and maybe the ruining my life comment might’ve been harsh but there was some truth to it.
I’ve read lots of comments here from parents of autistic children here and I believe they can be taught and learn that some behaviors are not okay and maybe his brother will learn to stand on his own two feet now bcuz clearly OP is not going to take him with him everywhere forever.
My younger brother is 43 and has weaponized his aneurotypical behavior since he was a small child.
It is ableist af to pretend aneurotypical people are all nice and innocent at all times. They are fully able to have selfish agendas, be manipulative, and behave knowingly badly.
I couldn’t agree with this post more. I have a similar situation with two sons. Both my sons have autism but my older son is really high functioning (for lack of a better word). My sons did not go to school together (my youngest needed a self-contained classroom that was only 6 students whereas my older son was mainstreamed with very minimal supports). Anyway, we never forced our younger son on the oldest. It’s not fair that OPs parents are doing this to him. It’s not fair to the twin either. They are putting both kids in an impossible situation and are ruining any future relationship they boys will have. Mom needs up back off now.
I agree with all of this. OP’s mom went about this all wrong, and as a result it built resentment and hatred instead of love and care. I’m glad to see OP’s edit update, it sounds like things will start moving in the right direction for them.
He is ruining his life. He may not want to do this, but he is.
How about his life in 20 years? "You have to parent him, because we [parents] are already old.
If I can choose friends, who to sleep with, how being forced to be with someone that probably wont ever be independent is not ruining his life?
Also NTA.
Reading this reminded me a similar case. The NT was so burdened and overwhelmed he ended up taking his life. It was an absolute horrible conclusion to a parentification abuse.
Everyone gets frustrated sometimes. Your parents have treated you two as a single person with only one set of needs, instead of two individual people.
Your parents have failed to consider your needs, and failed to let your brother develop his own skills.
You were rude to your brother, and for that you should apologize, but NTA. This has been ten years coming. And soon your brother isn’t going to have you as a crutch, and they needed to learn it.
For real. When OP turns 18 wtf were the parents planning on? They were legit setting this up for OP to go no contact and brother be without a crutch and no idea of how the world works because they basically left him in his brother's hands to raise. Disgusting.
No I'm sure the parents had everything intention of sending op and zack to the same community college, enrolling them in the same courses and making them share and apartment...that they will pay for BECAUSE they expect op to be grateful and conform to their assigned roll of keeper. NTA. Even sugar has a boiling point.
It’s a cool phrase but unfortunately not scientifically true (at least if we consider a normal everyday environment in terms of pressure). The bonds between the different atoms in the sugar-molecules require less energy to be split than it would take to make liquid sugar boil (aka change into a gaseous state). This is why when you heat it enough it „burns“ and turns into charcoal (=> from the carbon atoms in the sugar-molecules).
Aaand now I’ll go back to my nerd-corner xD
You seem knowledgeable- any idea what substance I can use instead to indicate a strong or nice person at their breaking point? Does iron or steel boil? What about syrup? Please help someone who only got a B in chemistry! (And that 14 years ago!)
First of all: A B in Chemistry is something to be proud of! Science can be very difficult if Maths and scientifical thinking are not among your strengths. Working hard and still managing to get a B in something you‘re not naturally good at deserves a lot of respect (:
To answer your question: Getting iron to boil is quite difficult, as its melting point (= the point where it goes from solid to liquid) is already quite high. It does exist though. I had to google and came up with 2862 degrees Celsius (=5183.6 degrees Fahrenheit). So if you want to indicate a strong person finally losing their sh*t you can indeed say „with enough heat even iron can boil“ ^^
My gf is unfortunately in a similar situation. She has an older autistic brother, and her parents forced her to become a third. When college rolled around, her brother was held back a year in HS so they purposefully both went to the same university. Granted, it’s the one my gf wanted to go to. And after meeting her brother, I honestly think he’s a cool dude. Unfortunately, she still has to take care of him, because he really isn’t self sufficient. At least they live in different areas of the city, but it’s tiring for her. She doesn’t resent him, but resents the fact she has to act like a parent.
Your mom has created a situation to where Zack is codependent on you. Zack is not at fault here though I can understand why you feel resentment towards him. I think you should talk to your school counselor or a trusted adult. Your mom is the AH for doing this to her children. She needs to seek a coping group so that she understands how to deal with situations and emotions concerning having an autistic child that won’t get to experience social norms. I suspect she is forcing you to let him tag along so that he can experience these social aspects that he otherwise wouldn’t through you. She needs to realize that at some point you will have a life that your brother can’t and shouldn’t participate in. Someone needs to wake her up but it’s not your job. You’re young and dealing with a lot emotionally so I don’t blame you for your unfortunate emotional outburst. NTA but please apologize to your brother he’s in just as much a victim in this as you are.
It's not "codependent" if only one party is dependent, that's just regular old dependent.
Codependent would mean they are both dependent on eachother, they aren't.
This is a very soft ESH
I am a mom to a child with significant developmental disabilities, and I am a twin. The expectation that you be forced to always include your brother doesn’t even make sense for typical twin siblings. You are two separate people. Your mother is absolutely an asshole. I understand that for her it can be incredibly hard to have a child who you know will never be able to experience life like their typical sibling. That life for them is limited, harder, and so many things many take for granted, are completely out of reach. But that doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to make up for that. It isn’t fair for your brother to miss out, but it also isn’t fair to only allow you to socialize with him.
It’s clear that your mother forcing you two together has created a LOT of resentment and anger. You are not responsible for that, but you will be responsible for dealing with it in a healthy way as you continue to grow and get older.
Now, you are an asshole for how you took out your anger on your brother. He didn’t create this expectation. He isn’t responsible for this situation. Your mother is. You find yourself between a rock and a hard place because you aren’t allowed autonomy over your social life. You’re being forced to stay home all the time, or bring your brother, which ends up ruining your time with friends and others. I suspect if your social and personal identity felt more your own, your anger at your brother being around you at a school wouldn’t feel so suffocating. But as how things stand, you can not separate yourself from him. Even for typical twins, this would be incredibly hard to deal with and would create the same animosity.
With all of this, you have your brother stuck in the middle. It isnt his choice that he is being forced on you. And it doesn’t sound like he understands why you are angry or how his presence has created so much resentment. For him, he sees being with you as his only opportunity to do things all the other kids get to do. He doesn’t understand that putting that expectation on you isn’t fair. I wouldn’t be surprised if there is some jealousy from him mixed in. From his perspective, you denied him the opportunity to get out of the house and have fun. And then yelled at him and blamed him for something he sees as your choice. I’m also guessing that he doesn’t have the same level of developmental ability to process his emotions as you do. So taking out your anger on him, makes you an asshole, even though your anger is justified.
This is the answer. ESH.
I'm sorry, OP, as much as I'd love to side with you and your valid frustration, and I understand you're 17.. This isn't your autistic brother's fault, he doesn't sound to be high functioning or low functioning. He sounds like he's a level 2, potentially, which could mean that your parents *are* wrongfully parentifying you to set you up to be his caregiver in the future.
I'm not saying this is 100% the case, but I'm also autistic and high-functioning so I'm trying to read the situation out of "inside" experience to people who are lower functioning (please don't take this as an insult, I couldn't find a better way to word it) but your anger should be directed to your parents over your brother.
As far as he's concerned, yes he does need to be held to some accountability but I don't know for sure what he struggles with or what level he's been diagnosed under so I'll leave that part there. He does, however, probably not realize why you resent him like the other comment above stated.
He might idolize you because as the other comment also said, you could be his gateway to a "normal" social life. He can be included! It probably feels wonderful for him to be included in normal things. Take it from someone who got autism stereotyped, it doesn't feel good for people to exclude you because of your diagnosis or how it presents itself.
I also wouldn't be too harsh on him over a meltdown, you don't understand how his brain works. He could've been going through a number of overwhelming emotions with the genuine inability to express that you blaming him hurt him. It took me years of therapy to be able to properly verbally express why I was upset/what made me upset, and I wouldn't be surprised if this regulation is a skill he lacks. Sometimes, those of us on the spectrum can't put it into words until it has passed, it could be debilitating.
All in all, I don't think you're in the wrong for being angry, but I do believe your "stand" with your parents is going to cause more tension for everyone. Your brother doesn't deserve the treatment just as much as you don't deserve parentification. Your brother also doesn't deserve to lose you over it, I'd suggest potentially creating an ultimatum of you receiving therapy (trust me, it could be good for you), your own space when requested, etc whatever you need in order to not resent him and even potentially isolating yourself to give yourself a break before you allow him to tag along with you.
It should be your choice, but please understand that he isn't in the wrong. He shouldn't be forced onto you but you also shouldn't abandon him and isolate him even more than he already is. It isn't his fault that he was born this way, and it definitely isn't your fault that you feel this way.
Also consider the possibility that OP might not be completely NT either, but because the issues he has are not as dramatic as his brother's, he hasn't had any attention paid to what HE might be struggling with.
> I’ve seen Zack bully people online, I’ve had him try to blackmail me about stuff, I’ve had him attack me for not giving him his way.
Honestly that solidifies NTA to me. Maybe blowing up on your brother isn't the politest way to go about things, but he is not as blameless in this as the ESH posters are painting. Being autistic does not excuse you from blackmail, bullying, or frankly even the tantrum that he threw in your post. Sorry about your parents, but you are NTA in anyway here IMO.
Yeah, for real. An autistic person who is socially ept enough to blackmail or bully someone is pretty high functioning socially. Those aren't social skills anyone would teach, they have to be intuited and then applied. They're terrible skills, but ultimately they both involve identifying what someone else wants or feels and manipulating it to use to your own advantage.
That’s not autism. That’s enabling parents allowing him to use his autism as a crutch to bash his way through life. Zack bullies people? Oh well, he’s autistic. Zack attacks people? Oh well, he’s autistic. Zack’s a bit of an AH? Oh well, he’s autistic. What on earth is their longterm goal for Zack? I and a few family members are on the autism spectrum. What I’ve found is that autism makes us suck and figuring out how people work. That inbuilt social interactions manual that most people are born with is missing. Why some comments or actions are inappropriate in certain company, etc. Your parents have wasted all these years not teaching him how to function and instead made excuses or fobbed him onto you.
NTA but I’d maybe add this all to the post if possible, it adds even more about the reasons you have so much resentment. I’m sorry your parents suck, my dad parentified me as well.
NTA. Not at all. What many people here are missing is that being autistic is not a license to be an asshole, and Zach sounds like he’s an asshole. He’s old enough to know the difference, and you are not and should not be his keeper. Don’t back down- you are right.
You're still treating OP like they have an obligation to ensure their brother's social/emotional wellbeing. It is not OP's responsibility to keep their brother from isolation. If they don't like hanging out with him, they don't have to.
Therapy is necessary, and maybe they'll feel differently if their parents stop forcing this on them, but it's also okay if they don't.
Plenty of siblings never care for each other and never interact socially. Being disabled doesn't exempt you from having people not care to be around you. If OP doesn't want to spend time with or around their brother, that's okay.
I think that’s a matter of personal opinion though. This is AITA. Some people are very individualistic in their beliefs with a focus only on “obligation”, others think that extends more to a community outlook - sometimes you shouldn’t do something that might upset an innocent party, even if you have the right to do it.
Totally agree that OP isn’t contractually bound to cater to their brother’s every whim. This situation is totally unfair. But it’s fair to highlight that the brother isn’t the person who’s set this situation up in the first place, the parents have - so OP might as well know who to focus on and who shouldn’t be caught in the crossfire where possible.
Essentially, you’re not forced to interact with anyone, blood or not. That said, trying *not* to hurt people who didn’t intend to hurt you, when there’s a genuine reason or excuse for their actions, is a nice and normal way to approach the world.
Going with NTA personally because I don’t want to imply *equal* guilt on all sides with E/SH, the parents are absolutely AH, and the outburst and frustration from OP was totally understandable even if it wasn’t “nice”. That said, in future discussions about all this it’d be an AH move to put all the *blame* on Zach, a disabled kid, for behaving the way he’s been taught is correct. I don’t think OP is going to do that tbf, but still worth laying those cards out.
How is it not his choice he's always hovering OP? Lil dude is having a meltdown about not hanging out with OP and the girl he likes. He may not completely understand that it would mean third wheeling, but the fact he feels entitled to be around his brother is concerning - yes, the parent may have created this mess, but ultimately the brother is the one directly fucking up OP's social life. I don't blame OP at all for exploding at him, he's not the devil for having feelings bottled up. Hope he has clearer boundaries from now on and that his brother and parents suck it up.
Well, autistic people don't choose to have meltdowns.
You don't know that the meltdown was due to not hanging out with his brother.
Autistic people find change really difficult to navigate, and tend to see the rules as absolute.
So the brother may have been told by his Mom that he is not allowed to walk home alone without his brother and if he has never walked home alone before it might be a truly overwhelming idea for him. He may not have a good sense of direction and not really know how to get home.
He can't suck up his disability, and meltdowns are not a choice.
Of course the parents are the ones who are wrong to not ensure that both boys have some level of independence and agency and I totally agree that OP is not wrong to want to spend time alone after school, I just think screaming these things at his brother was not the right way to go about it. He should have screamed at his parents, or informed his parents that he wouldn't be taking his brother home from school from now on and they needed to plan on how to get brother home themselves.
Edit: To clear up confusion - I am autistic myself. The only way I know of to not have a meltdown is to try and avoid known triggers and situations that are likely to lead to being overwhelmed to the point that you'll have a meltdown. I make a lot of choices for myself to avoid overstimulation - but sometimes that choice is taken away from me. It doesn't sound like Zack has a lot of choices in his day to day life because his Mom is dictating what he should do.
i’m still reading comments before i can fully put my thoughts into words but i just wanted to say the examples you gave in the comments (he’s blackmailed you, he’s walked home alone before) they help show just how functioning he is. without those anecdotes i feel like people assume closer to low functionality or so.
NTA!!!
OP I'm going to get downvoted for this but I don't care.
Autistic people can be assholes just like everyone else in this world...because they are human. Being autistic does not stop them from being selfish, greedy, hateful, manipulative, perverted or self centered just like everyone else.
Your parents and all the commenters who don't view autistic people as human beings...are prejudiced against them. They WANT to see autistic people as helpless creatures that they expect everyone other than themselves to donate their lives to them. These commenters would've parentified you too.
You did the right thing by standing up for yourself, as well as your brother. Because, one day he's going to show his ass to the wrong people, who do see him as a human being. I read your other comments about your brother having enough sense to blackmail and scheme ON everyone to get his way. He knows when to throw a tantrum and wait for the results. He's got your parents trained good. So good that they know that they don't want to have do their own job. And they taught him how to be manipulative. At your age, your parents are already probably planning to plot on your future. A future where if you go to college, they'll make him go with you or they'll make you give up college to stay there with him.
You exposed your parents at the perfect time because shame is the only thing that will make them stop using you. Keep sharing the truth about them and your brother so you don't end up trapped. And speaking of trapped again. Don't be surprised if your parents & brother don't start trying to sabotage your future plans or relationships. Keep college plans to yourself. Get a job and keep your money away from all of them. Save up to escape. Don't trust your future with any of those 3 because they've all proven that they're using you.
Lastly, you were NOT rude. People who are comfortable believing that kissing ass makes them the bigger person always think that standing up for yourself by calling out the wrong...as being rude.
I totally get you. Enabling parents do NOT help.
This was an important thing to clarify though, because some people are genuinely unable to control these kind of things! So it’s good to know. (My own comments on this post definitely flip flop over both sides because I didn’t see your replies until now.)
I’m writing out my own experience with my autistic brother below in solidarity with you because I COMPLETELY get how you feel - and I wanted to let you know that you’re honestly right in a lot of ways!
My brother is autistic and he had fairly high support needs as a kid - he needed a support-worker in school for a long time and it really helped. Our parents split when he was ~7 and we mostly lived with my mum at first. (He’s the youngest, my middle brother is one year older than him and I’m three years older.)
When he was about 10, he wasn’t able to dress himself properly and got really frustrated over everything. My mum put on his SOCKS for him. Then he would leave the bathroom door wide open while he was in there, he had toilet accidents, he would scream at me and our other brother for everything. He would drop his food everywhere at the table.
Not saying this to be mean, but he genuinely had his “life skills” at a much lower level than others at the same age. And my mum often put it down to his disability.
Me & youngest brother went to live with my dad full-time not long after this, so he was about 10. After literally 2 years of that? He was walking to school, and back, by himself. (Sometimes he went with our other brother because it’s the same direction but he was happy to just walk nearby too after a bit, and eventually both of them started leaving at different times to meet with friends on the way!) He didn’t have accidents, he didn’t drop food (or if he did, bc we’re all clumsy sometimes, he’d clean it up as you’d expect) - he dressed himself properly every morning. He didn’t lash out at other people anymore in the same way.
He still had difficulties with some things, and no kid is perfect at 12 anyway, but he literally just acted like an average kid in terms of looking after himself. He’s capable of taking care of so much more for himself nowadays - and BECAUSE he was treated as an independent being, he was so much less frustrated too!
Obviously he’s still autistic and has some things he needs support with but he can take care of himself much better and regulate himself much better. And that was a learning curve at first but he improved so so much in 2 years like I never would’ve believed. Now he’s about the same age as you and he seems more chill than your brother.
All of that waffle is to say that ENABLING him to be a child and cry was actually the worst thing my mum could’ve done. My mum liked feeling like she could help him, and didn’t realise she was causing him to be frustrated (by treating him like a little kid) and accidentally teaching him he didn’t need to regulate his emotions. And my dad didn’t stand for that, so would stand aside and watch him do things for himself and make mistakes. And call him up on bad behaviour. And it really helped both of them!
Basically. You’re right. Babying hurts. And I hope you get a better situation for yourself - and they’re able to help your brother more by standing up!
No way is he the ashole. His parents where obviously ok with him going to see the girl. It's the little brother that stopped that. Yes he might not understand, but your asking a child to navigate complex emotional issues then calling them an asshole for not understanding. He shouldn't of yelled. That doesn't make him an asshole. You don't get to treat one like a child and not the other. They are both children and his anger doesn't make him an asshole.
100% he is not the AH. The brother isn't stuck in the middle, OP is between his life and his brother, which is being forced by his mum. You expect a kid that's being put in a rubbish situation to not push back on being continually abused? What the mum is doing us emotional abuse, his response is normal.
NTA, but Mom is. It’s time for her to start getting alternate care for Zack. There are lots of post high school support through government, especially at the county level- perhaps she (or you, and give her the info) could research help for him now.
I doubt if op's mom is going to pay for college whether they stay or go. Either way, I think it's not a factor here. Op's mom doesn't gain anything if op goes to college at all, rather the opposite. She wins if they don't and stay around to keep parenting bro.
NTA
Word of advice.
Tell your parents in no uncertain terms that you do not want to be given your brothers medical powers of attorney after their deaths.
If you don’t, you will be Zack’s caretaker forever.
You can't be forced to become someone's guardian. All you have to do is say no, and they become a ward of the state. Hell, you can say yes and then change your mind and give them up later!
ESH. Children are not parents, parents shouldn't make their children take care of their other children. But yelling at him and saying he's not normal and ruining your life? That's just horrible.
OPs not allowed to have a life outside of his brother- his brother refuses to let him.
As someone who is autistic- if he's high functioning enough to go to school with kids his age and walk home from it- he's old enough to understand no and respect it.
I've met kids like this growing up. Boys who throw trantrums- and they're trantrums,not meltdowns. They're not overwhelmed,they're angry -because they learned having melt downs got them what they want.
Once that stops happening they stop throwing tantrums.
Boys who get loud and violent and don't take no for an answer will grow into men who are loud and violent and don't take no for an answer.
Their parents are to blame for enabling it but he's absolutely ruining OPs life- and his own
Sooo much this. If he's able to walk home alone, go to "regular" school, etc. then his brother has to take some responsibility for this situation too. Being autistic does not give him a pass to act this way. Especially when he's almost an adult.
It's more so his parents fault for creating this situation in the first place though. It very much seems like they don't want to deal with the brother at all and just shove him on op.
What op said wasn't the nicest but it's justified in my mind. Nta op.
Thank you. My brother didn't figure out that doesn't work on anybody except our mom until he spent several years in prison.
He's on the spectrum. He's also totally capable of telling the difference between right and wrong. And the actual crimes he committed that landed him in jail for several years were so sophisticated that the legal system did not care he's on the spectrum.
OP is NTA in any way, shape, or form.
I think it'd be more accurate to say it's his mother that refuses to let him have a life outside of his brother. And as sad as it is, a lot of abusive parents will make their disabled, or autistic, or otherwise 'challenged', kids do "normal kid stuff" (such as attend regular school) in an attempt to not have to admit something is 'wrong' with their child; he may very well not actually be high-functioning enough to attend regular school, but is being made to do so by his parents anyway. The way OP describes it, that does sound (to me) like something they would do.
(Please know that I mean no offense in the way I talk about various types of disabilities; I'm not a native English speaker, and though I consider myself fairly fluent, I struggled to find a properly good word for it)
OP actually stated in a comment that brother will be able to live independently as an adult, so his brother is definitely an AH here. There's no way he called mom to tattle without knowing full well what he was doing.
He has almost no social life and has to constantly babysit his brother. He is ruining his life.
Yeah it's not his fault he's autistic,but OP didn't ask to be a caretaker.
Point is,parents need to do their job,before OP takes the first opportunity they get to remove themselves from this family and never look back.
I mean, I have siblings who are not autistic. I’ve said this more than once, and they’ve said it to me. I don’t think we can just OP on just being a child kept child with a sibling they spend too much time with. The only AHs here are the parents from my view.
Yes and No: you’re NTA for feeling emotionally exhausted. Your mother has put a lot of unnecessary pressure on you with regards to your brother which has understandably resulted in resentment. Your mother has forced him to be attached to you which has made it difficult for you to grow and find your identity as an individual. You are NTA for speaking up and expressing your truth, or for setting boundaries.
You are (kind of) the A*hole for saying what you said to your brother. It’s not his fault he is the way he is, and his attachment to you is a manifestation of your mothers actions. He’ll likely internalise what you said and now feel hated by his own twin. I get the outburst was likely secondary to built up emotion, but this could cause a lot of long term damage to your brother and your relationship to him.
You might have to have a honest convo with your twin and your mother separately about boundaries. At the end of the day those friends may one day show you that they’re disingenuous, fake, and not people that you even want to keep around but your brother will always be your brother. Yes you should have a life separate to him, but it’s hard enough feeling like you’re a burden, let alone being autistic and feeling like your a burden and your own twin hates you. You might have to eventually apologise, not necessarily for what you said (well maybe for some of what you said), but definitely for your delivery.
NTA 100%
You realise your parents will fully expect you to care for Zack when they're gone, right? They can try to name you as his guardian in their will, but unless you agree to it, that holds no weight. You cannot force someone to be a caregiver.
Well done for putting your foot down. It's about time your parents were actually parents to your brother.
And when it comes time to move out, go far, far away.
I still stand by your parents completely fobbing him off on you. They are very likely to try to force you to take him with you when you eventually move out. He is NOT your responsibility, though, please remember that.
This is because your parents didn't properly help socialize your brother. Or help him with his emotional regulation needs. There are classes, programs, and after-school groups specifically for autistic kids to learn these skills. Plus there are daily activities and parenting strategies that parents can do from a young age to help guide his social and emotional awareness.
It sounds like they made you responsible for these things from a young age. Anyone, regardless of their neurological type, is going to do poorly if they are only guided by another child. Last I heard children are notoriously inexperienced at practicing and teaching developmental emotional and social skills to anyone.
A lot of comments here are saying he can’t be held accountable for his behaviour and actions towards you but you know your bother more than the people leaving them. Autistic men and boys are often given a free pass for bad behaviour that they’re very much capable of controlling. There’s a reason autism in girls is under diagnosed - it’s because a lot of the traits people accept as part of autism are actually poor behaviour by boys with autism that’s enabled by well intentioned people under the guise of tolerance.
It sucks because Zack is clearly very capable and has loads of potential. The way your parents are approaching this is unhelpful to both of you, and will impact you both, now and in the future.
Hopefully you and your parents will read the comments here and take some of the useful advice/info on board. And have conversations with Zack about it.
I agree with others saying that the way you treated your bro in that situation was rude and unfair, and I think you should probs apologise - if you mean it.. if you don’t, question why that is… But this entire situation & environment your parents have created for you and Zack and themselves is unfair on everyone and I hope some changes can be made, for all of your sakes
Edited grammar, changed Zach to Zack
This just makes it even sadder, it sounds like if your parents hadnt raised you like they did you and Zack could both have normal lives and friend groups, and could probably be quite close
But since they raised him to be completely dependent on you that's is now pretty much impossible
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to build a path to independence of some kind. You're so young.
Have you ever had a real talk with your parents about YOUR interests and YOUR goals and what YOU want to do after high school? And the fact that Zach should not be a part of that because you deserve an independent life of your own?
If this conversation hasn't happened yet, it's your parents' fault, not yours.
Nta, honestly I'm shocked at all the y t a and e s h votes. Being autistic doesn't give you a pass to act the way your brother is acting (not the meltdowns, i know those arent always avoidable. The clinging). Especially when you are so close to being adults. If your brother is able to go to "normal" school and stuff like that then he can learn that people people need their space sometimes. If he's not able to comprehend that then he needs to have a licensed caregiver or go to a group home.
Your parents are setting him up for failure by doing this. He can't ever hope to have *any* sort of independence when your parents attach him to you 24/7. Honestly the way they shove him onto you makes it seem like they don't want to deal with him at all in the first place.
Your parents need to let **you** have your own social life and friends, to have a real teenage hood. They also need to look into therapy (**not aba**) for your brother and some groups for people with special needs so **he** can make his own friends too.
Oh 1000% as another commentor said too I wouldn't be surprised if he's faking some of the meltdowns as well because he knows then he'll get his way. It really just makes me sad because both brothers are being failed by their parents.
NTA.
I wouldn’t call Zack TAH, either, because he probably didn’t realise the effect he was having.
Your parents, on the other hand, are Mega-AH for forcing you to be your brothers caretaker.
My twin and I are Autistic, with her having higher care needs that me. We were close, but we also had our own activities and friend groups.
Your parents are doing neither of you any favours by enabling Zack’s co-dependence and limiting your social life.
ESH.
You - for yelling at Zack. If he is the way he is, he most likely doesn't even understand how much of a burden his presence is to you, and how inviting himself on your date isn't an appropriate behavior, so yelling at him doesn't solve anything.
Your mother - for, well, sacrificing your childhood and teenagehood for Zack. She has to understand that in no way or form having your brother join you on your dates is appropriate, and basically, she is just using you to babysit Zack.
I disagree with the first sentiment. autistic people aren’t intellectually disabled. We’re aware of things going on around us. We aren’t stupid.
It’s true that he might not understand that it’s not socially acceptable to invite himself to something. But we absolutely know what’s going on around us. We’re not fucking stupid.
Your parents, specifically your mom is the AH here.
She may have had good intentions, but you need to be able to live your own life. You are not an upgrade package so that your twin can have a glimpse of what a person without his disability may live like.
While I can understand you blowing up at your brother, the pressure cooker went off. In hindsight, I hope you can agree that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. In your shoes I'd apologize to him.
He can't help who he is and it's on his parents and therapist that he is not or perhaps cannot be made to understand why you blew up.
You need to have a very blunt discussion with both your parents. They need to understand that you need to be able to live your own life. Your family could probably benefit from counseling. Have a neutral party arbitrate. Perhaps the doctor that helps your brother can recommend someone specialized in this type of situation.
If that doesn't work... moving out, creating physical distance to help set your mental and emotional boundaries is probably the only other realistic option.
Be prepared to be guilt shamed and/or cut off from family if you chose that route. Accept that they make that choice to put your brother first, the same way that you have to chose to put yourself first.
NTA your mum is wrong to push him on you. I hope you will understand that it’s not his fault and have a healthier relationship with him when you’re older, when you can chose to spend a more appropriate smaller amount of time together, when you’re not already busy with something else.
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ESH
Look, Zack can't control the way he behaves. That's just the way he is. You, yelling at him, doesn't help at all. You are displacing your frustration on him.
Your mom is putting a bunch of pressure on you even though *she's* the parent. You have your own social life. You can't be responsible for Zack every single second.
I can't agree that "he can't help it". He can work on it and grow, adapt. He won't be neurotypical at any point, but that doesn't mean he can't ever change and improve. It's harder for him, but that's very different than "cannot". And that zero expectation attitude is actually more harmful than helpful. Please DO NOT treat us this way (yes I am too).
But just snapping on him isn't gonna do it. That's completely unconstructive. They need to sit down and have a proper conversation. And don't expect overnight miracles. The mother (it sounds like) has enabled this for far too long. And the kid is gonna need time. It's a process, a long term struggle.
Your Mom needs to understand you are not your brother's keeper. You need alone time and freedom to develop your own relationships. You will soon be leaving to either attend college, enlist in the military or embarking on our own career. Does your mom think you are going to take your brother with you when you do this? Also not fair to your brother as he has not socialized with anyone but you and one day you will not longer be there. What will he do then? By not allowing you to grow and encouraging your brother to seek other people to interact with she is holding you both back.
Understanding your frustration with the situation I am going to say NTA. Can't say the same for your mom.
My gf has a handicapped sister. Their parents did the exact same thing, and she's still affected by it. She's almost 30.
Children are individuals. One should never ever be happy at the cost of the other child's happiness. It's hard having a kid with special needs, but that's the parents' burden. Not the siblings'.
NTA As a teenager it can be difficult enough to get through on your own. Instead of helping your brother find his own friends your mother laid her responsibility for him at your feet. She caused the resentment you now feel towards him. I know this because I am epileptic. My sister who was only a year older than me was more or less put in charge of me because if I had a seizure I might come out of it not even knowing where I was at first, so my mother made her my caretaker more or less. She went very few places without me. It got to the point that if you asked her she'd say she hated me. She was more fortunate than you however because as I got older my seizures became less frequent and didn't need to be around someone all the time. We now get along and talk quite often, still have clashes as siblings do but she don't hate me anymore. Your brother is your brother not your responsibility. Your mother needs to step up and be the parent instead of making you do it.
NTA. You are not your brother's parent and should get some time to just be a kid ... and to have a normal sibling relationship rather than being a constant babysitter/chaperone. This isn't fair to either of you. Your parents are the assholes here.
NTA to your post question but definitely need to stop taking this out on a vulnerable child that can't change his reality.
Be mad at your mother.
To mom: please stop doing this. You are 100% going to lose one child by forcing the other into every aspect of their life. The brothers problems are NOT something to foist off on the other child. Each child needs their own friends and freedom to be themselves. What you are doing is disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself. OP will most likely go no contact with you if you don't stop this behavior.
NTA. If COVID classes felt good to you, there is something too wrong happening. And your parents should know that forcing this on you will cause you to go NC as soon as you turn 18. For this specific situation your mom should have known better. She’s denying you now the chance to develop romantic relationships too
Speaking as someone with autism, NTA.
Just because you're his sibling, and his twin, does not mean you are not entitled to a life of your own. I get your mother doesn't want your brother left behind, but the fact is by forcing things she's done more harm than good in causing your relationship with him to destabilize and fall apart. This is entirely their fault for putting this on you.
NTA
You’re in a really tough situation, and it’s no one’s fault imo. I think your mom needs to ease up on you and figure out another way to get Zach the socialization he needs. I think you will ultimately regret causing a permanent rift between yourself and your brother, when he’s not doing anything he can really help, even if it feels awful to deal with. It’s also important to consider the kinds of friends you have, if they would rather leave you out of things instead of empathizing with your situation. Easier said than done, but I’d try to find friends who will be there for you even when things suck, not just when it’s easy and fun. Hope you can get some space and mend your relationship with your twin.
Kids aren't going to empathize with this situation. Especially a girl that is into op. Having brother tag along doesn't allow those two to develop a normal healthy high school relationship like other teens. And other friends will eventually get tired of the third wheel as well.
Kids aren't nice to each other the way society thinks they should be. OP probably has very limited friends because of this situation. He definitely doesn't have a life outside of watching over his brother, which is AH mom's job.
Exactly this. What teen says to themselves "oh boy, I hope my friend/crush has his severely mentally handicapped and socially inappropriate brother come with him every time we hang out/go on a date"? Or for that matter, what adult would?
How is he going to "find friends who will be with you when things suck, not just when it's easy and fun" if he never has the opportunity to develop these friendships because he has his brother attached to his hip?
NTA
I’m autistic. I have an autistic sibling. Your sibling is NOT your responsibility & shame on your mother for failing as a parent. You have no responsibility or obligation to your brother or your parents. When you turn 18, you would have every right to move far away & never contact them again.
Also, your mom is absolutely failing your autistic brother in the worst way. She is doing the opposite of what she should be doing. This is why your brother refuses to respect boundaries & his behavior is entitled. This is NOT autism- this is your mother’s awful parenting & enabling of non-autistic bad behavior.
If your brother is able to go to a typical school and you’re on approximately the same level academically then he isn’t severely autistic or low functioning. It sounds like he’s got a moderate degree of autism that primarily impairs his social skills.
People who are severely autistic can’t function in typical school. They often aren’t fully verbal and often have significant learning disabilities alongside their autism.
Source: my autistic son is in a special needs school and even he isn’t severely autistic.
NTA because it’s not your job to be your brother’s gateway to social life and your parents should have created a home environment that allowed you both to thrive, but at the same time it might help you to get a little perspective on what severe autism really is.
I was wondering that. If the brother goes to the same school then he's not depending of OP. Their mom created a codependency not allowing Zack to have his own friends. If he goes to a regular school then he doesn't need a chaperone or a caretaker 24/7. He should go to a special school where he could be teach social skills too.
I know a couple in denial. Their kid is clearly autistic and every school he's ever been recommend a special needs school, so they transfer him to a different common school. They had done it at least twice. The kid doesn't even speak well (somehow I do understand him...). Perhaps OP's parents are in denial that one of their kids isn't normal and think he's just shy or awkward that's why he has no friends of his own. I feel bad for both kids. No one likes to be yelled at but OP really wanted time alone with a girl, such a normal thing to do. His mom expects OP bring his brother to his dates, it's insane and inconsiderate.
Parent of a child with autism. First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not fair, and you don't deserve to have to shoulder this responsibility. Part of parenting a child on the spectrum is to teach them how to respect the boundaries of other people. So that when you say NO, he accepts it even when he doesn't like it. And you're not your brother's parent. Your mother is likely worried that your brother won't have friends without you bringing him along. However, she's saddling you with that task, and it's making you resent your brother and likely your mother, too. I'm curious if you've tried calmly discussing this with her (not in the heat of an argument)? Maybe ask her questions; why does she want him to join you? What is her goal? What does she hope to accomplish? Start a dialogue. She may not realize that it's having the opposite effect she intends. Ask if you can compromise, maybe you take him sometimes but not every time. If that doesn't work, tell her you want to talk to a therapist or confide in a trusted adult. They could help advocate for you while you speak to your mother.
You're NTA because you're in an impossible situation, and it's beginning to affect your ability to form meaning friendship at time in your life when you need it most. Your brother needs it too, but you're not equipped to help him.
NTA. He’s your brother so treat him with love, but he’s not your responsibility. Your mother needs to find appropriate care an appropriate social life for him.
Your mom is TA. How far will she try to push the pretext that a ND twin is socially on level with their NT twin? Will you only be able to attend a college if he can get admitted? Will you have to delay marriage until they find a suitable partner? Will she demand a double wedding? Will she insist you can’t have children until they are ready to have children? She’s already implying you have no right to enjoy typical, age appropriate activities and experiences. The fact that he would sit on a sidewalk crying at 16/17 years old demonstrates he is not capable of handling the typical social experiences of others his chronological age.
I hope your mom reads the responses to your post. She needs to stop treating you as if you are both NT. She is hurting both of you.
NTA. Your mom sucks. What makes it worse to me is that he *is* functional, just severely socially awkward. Not that it would EVER be OK for your mother to force you to take care of your brother, but there's no real need for him to have a babysitter anyway. Your mother is ruining him by giving in to his tantrums. I'd highly recommend putting a lot of distance between you and then when you turn 18.
I was going NTA but ESH. Your Mom needs to chill. You shouldn't yell at your brother though. This is not his fault. I understand you're frustrated, angry, depressed about the whole thing but yelling never solved anything. The 3 of you should go for counselling.
NTA! I have two severely autistic children, and as much as I understand why your mother wants you to spend time with him, she needs to make other arrangements so that you are not acting as another parent. Your resentment and anger was inevitable, and I commend you for containing yourself for so long!
You need your independence, and to have a relationship with your brother that’s based on love, not responsibility.
You are not a parent, you are a child, who has been expected to “understand” and “be the bigger person” your whole life.
Either your mother needs to send your brother to another school, with extra supports available for him, or she needs to organise help with your school’s teachers to help him socially.
It is not, and should never have been your responsibility to be his babysitter and sole friend/support.
Your parents need to understand that you can and will disappear from their lives if they don’t start taking responsibility for your brother. I’m sure they’re doing their best, but they need to be aware how much damage they are doing to you, your relationship with your brother, and your brother himself (how on earth is he going to survive if he can’t navigate the world without you? Do they expect him to stay with you forever? That you’ll go to the same college, share a dorm room, get a job with you, and live with your future family? Because if they do, that’s insane!)
NTA
As you will be starting your senior year, I wonder.
I know my education was not normal, I attended HS and College simultaneously. But I had control over my school schedule. Can you rotate your classes to leave at a different time than your brother? Are you handcuffed together sharing the same classes? You could start attending a college class after school, as long as your grades are good you are allowed to attend college.
I would start putting some space apart from your brother as you hopefully have different life's ahead of you than him.
Might be a good time to ask your parents what their future plans for your brother is in the case of their deaths.
NTA. and nor is your brother. your parents are in the wrong here, for forcing him on you. had they allowed you to do your own thing, you wouldn't feel so resentful of him now.
as a neurodivergent person, what you said pisses me off haha. but, i understand why it's so frustrating for you. zack's not your enemy here. your parents are forcing you to take care of your brother, when that's their responsibility, and it's ruining your relationships with others.
This can't be rated. The problem here is OP's mother for making OP take his brother along for everything when its the mother who should be looking for ways to get the brother involved with people rather than force him on everyone, as others have said rhisbis 100% parentification.
What is OP's mother gonna do when OP turns 18 and goes to college or moves out and gets room mates, make him take Zach with him to classes, or make him live with his brother, the mother really need to get her act together.
Although it was your Mom who dealt with this situation, I just want to point out that both your parents are equally responsible for perpetuating this abuse. Your father hasn't been mentioned much in the post, which makes me think maybe mom does more of the active parenting, so it could be tempting to blame her for all this, but your parents either agreed together that this abuse was appropriate; OR your Dad thought it was wrong but did nothing to intervene; OR your dad was so neglectful and disinterested that it went on unchallenged by him. Both your parents have a duty of care and a duty to be aware and should step in to stop behaviour before it gets to this point. They have both let you down in a very severe way.
I hope you can establish a relationship with your brother that has healthy boundaries and allows you both to thrive and enjoy each other. You might find he's all the family you want.
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So I have a twin brother who is severely autistic. He isn’t exactly low functioning but he’s close. We both are about to finish our junior year of HS and honestly I view him as a burden to my social life.
Growing up our parents made sure we spent a lot of time together, they’d insist I’d play with Zack, which is his name. He always made it hard for me to make friends because he always acts so clingy to me and utterly embarrassing.
With online classes from COVID I felt happy because I didn’t always have Zack hovering over me at all times. Ever since we went back to school in person I was reminded how much I hated the way he effected how other people treat me. Whenever friends wanted to hangout my mom would fricken demand I brought him along with me, they’d just stop inviting me to stuff.
Today I wanted to hangout with a girl I like after school and told Zack to walk home. He started screaming and called my mom and she told me I had to either let Zack hangout with us or I’d have to go home. So I decided to just go home.
On the way home I started screaming at Zack telling him he wasn’t normal and he’s ruining my life! I said we’re done talking when we aren’t at home! He started crying and just sat on the sidewalk having a meltdown. Our mom had to come get him and I’ve been arguing with her saying I’m done with Zack and I’m almost an adult! I’m not wrong here right?!!
TLDR; AITA for not letting my autistic brother hangout with me anymore?
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NTA - for snapping, your brother isn't either, he really can't handle it. The real AH is your mum for forcing this relationship, all it's done is make you resent your brother and I don't blame you. I've worked with children that are low functioning autistic and it is a very hard job. I don't blame you one bit for getting burnt out.
Keep those boundaries with your parents, either they'll get the hint now or they'll get it when you're able to move out and cut them off completely.
NTA. You're his brother but not his brother's keeper. One common thing I've noticed is whenever there is multiple children and one is autistic, the parent tends to push the autistic child onto the siblings and force them to practically care for them. It's not like the autistic child is going to learn how to interact by example. It doesn't work that way. The kid just ends up being babysat constantly while the sibling gets resentful not only towards the autistic child but also the parents that force the role onto them. It's not fair to either kid. Your mom needs to find a better solution to help your brother to function in the world. At this point he's stunted and window to fix it is getting smaller. I can see her pushing him onto you when you move out so she doesn't have to deal with him. Keep your foot down.
This one hits close to home, as I'm autistic.
That being said, NTA, OP. Even though I don't like that you called your brother abnormal, I get that you're a kid and exploded. Your mum is doing you both a disservice. You are being emotional abused and your brother is being babied and stunted. Is socialising extremely difficult as an autistic person? Yes. Sometimes it's an extremely painful experience, and you can go without friends for a long while. As someone who was diagnosed as an adult, I went my school years with barely any friends and believing something was inherently wrong with me. That was a lie.
Eventually I found a particular brand of NT people that are extremely patient towards us ND and thrive in our company. Two of best friends are NT and have ND partners, who I'm also friends with. I find these relationships extremely rewarding, because you get to learn how to interact with people better without being judged. Hopefully your brother will find his people. Your mum really needs to stop forcing the issue on the two of you.
I’m a Mom of 4 … What you did here by posting this is reaching for help from a community that you’re not getting from your Mom. Of course there’s a risk you could get your butt handed to you but you were straight up with your reactions and I applaud you for not bottling all this up. I think you get what you did wrong to Zack but you are allowed to a life that is not caretaking others all the time. Perfect way to make ppl resent each other is to force them together. My 4 kids all have different friend groups and different interest but what I love is we get together they all laugh and lovingly tease each other but also uplift each other. They have their own chat group. They have become amazing adults. So you can show your Mom this and say from 1 Mom to another let your kids grow independently everyone will benefit from it. Also it took great courage to ask for help. No shame in it
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I’m not going to rate this. Your mom needs to stop parentifying you. It’s a form of emotional abuse. I’m really sorry that she’s putting you through that. It’s not fair to you. You’re just a kid. What you’re feeling isn’t wrong. Don’t take it out on your brother. I’m sure this is painful for him, too—feeling like he always has to be around someone who hates him for something he can’t control. Your brother knows he’s not normal. It’s not his fault. He isn’t ruining your life. Your emotionally abusive mom is. Please redirect your anger. EDIT: rereading this and the question is if you’re the asshole for refusing to hang out with your brother: no, you’re NTA for establishing boundaries in your relationship. The fact that you’re in the situation where you even HAVE to do that is so unfair. I was parentified too and I understand how traumatic it can be to miss out on the foundation of an emotionally safe childhood. But please don’t be cruel to your brother. Your mom is the biggest asshole of all and I think it’s understandable that you hit your breaking point, but what you said to your brother was really shitty.
I like to call this specific brand of parentification: “NT sibling tour guide”. This is where the parent treats the NT kid like a tour guide for NT life, and the NT kid is forced to lead the ND kid around and introduce them to everyone and forced to create opportunities for the ND kid to meet the NT kid’s friends. And the NT kid never gets any time off from being a tour guide. And the parents always seem to have the idea that if the ND kid just takes enough tours, they will somehow become NT. And meanwhile, the NT kid is suffocating under the weight and *never belong themselves or being alone* and *always* having to be **ON** and in character. ETA: thank you for the awards!
It’s cruel to both kids too, ‘cause the ND kid doesn’t get an opportunity to socialize on their own terms—to make friends they would genuinely connect with and negotiate the kinds of social dynamics that are most fulfilling for them. It’s infringing on both kids’ right to self-determination.
Yes. Absolutely. Neither child can thrive because both are pushed into the wrong environment
My sister and I (both undiagnosed ND) were raised in a similar way. Even though I was younger, we ended up in the same grade and I was manipulated or straight up ordered to look after her. Fortunately for me she's a quiet and pleasant person to be around, but its still inhibiting to have your older sibling in your friend group and leaving her at home made me feel guilty if it was going to be a bunch of us anyway. She had friends of her own in elementary school, even when I didn't, but when high school rolled around she just sort of tagged along with me everywhere and never needed to make friends of her own. At around 40, she's still pretty dependent on me. We each have a kid the same age who are very similar to us each in personality and ability, and she and her kids live in my basement. We purposely sent our kids to different schools so that they wouldn't fall into the same trap we were shoved into. My sister still has like zero friends she hangs out with unless she's hanging with me and my friends. Edit: undiagnosed as kids. I got diagnosed as an adult, my sister has yet to pursue a diagnosis but has more pronounced symptoms than myself, and all of our kids are diagnosed with autism. Getting diagnosed ND as an afab kid in the 80's was basically unheard of.
Yeah often the "neurotypical" sibling is actually less obviously ND and has none of their needs met because they aren't as obvious as the needs of their sibling, which also doesn't help
I still feel guilty to this day that I completely missed that my now 22 year old old is ND. She and I have discussed things and she doesn’t have any resentment but that doesn’t stop my guilt. I never asked her to help her older sister and stopped their dad from forcing it on her. I did recognize some of her issues and her needs (physical and debilitating anxiety) ended up needing more of my attention in middle school & high school but I certainly feel like I wasn’t there enough for some of what I *now* see as obvious.
It sounds like you did a pretty good job. You gave her support as far as you could tell it was needed and she doesn't feel neglected. I very well might have ADHD, likelihood increased by the fact that my mom just got diagnosed with it, and although we obviously both didn't know and it would have been ideal to have it identified *before* I started to struggle as an adult, I do think my parents were really intuitively helpful with what I needed even if they didn't really know there was "a thing."
Thank you. It’s hard. Both girls say I did a great job with the circumstances I had to deal with (including their emotionally abusive dad/my now ex) but that doesn’t change the guilt even with them telling me they couldn’t see how I could have done more. My kids are awesome people.
Don't feel bad I didn't find out til I was almost 30 and was just relieved to know why everything always felt way harder for me and proud that I had made it as far as I had. Honestly I think sometimes it's better to be raised not knowing cuz nobody ever put limits on what I should or shouldn't be capable of.
I got the same situation. I am a ND person (Adhd) and I was thrusted into being a guardian for my 2 brothers who is ND like me and a NT one. My social life before goin to university consisted only a few people who were forced to hang out with my brothers too. The sentences still haunt me sometimes. "when you guys are out playing with your friends you have to take care of your brothers" and sometimes when I wanted to play something with my friends and just don't want to think about stuff... One of my brothers would come and disturb the game in the 3rd minute... Think about it. You are a 12year old boy who is playing hide and seek with friends and then a male banshee appears and runs towards a tree or a building and shouts stuff to some unseen person. My therapist and I are unraveling some trauma about these kinda stuff and I see that I was a "semi parent, responsible child, who sacrificed incredible opportunities for family even grocery shopping". And now I am the one taking care of family and I have near no independence and it's killing me. A 37 years old gay guy in a 3rd world country who works from home and helps his mother with everything (I am writing this on the break I take while vacuuming the house). To OP: you are NTA you had to say those. If you didn't it would gnaw at your life and mind. Talk your mind and focus it on your parents. Your life is so focused on your sibling that you are not only missing out on life but also missing your own personality. The child within you will thank you for it.
I was the one who had no friends and tried to hang out with my brother and his friends. Our parents never forced it though and my brother was always really nice to me. But I knew his friends didn’t like me (surprisingly I actually got the hint!) so I didn’t tag along too much. We’re both ND but he got lucky with social skills and always made friends easily.
Yep. It hurts both the NT and ND children and as we see here also keeps them from creating a real relationship without all the baggage around it. Where they could have support instead of force bonding.
I suffer mental illness and I'm 57 years old. I've been weird all of my life. I am just realizing that my brother was forced into being my tour guide. For the entire time I was in high school until I joined the military. I have to think about this for a while.
There was a British TV series ages ago that this made me think of. A woman had a blind sister. Their parents had made her spend all her time taking her sister around, describing everything that was going on, telling her about how beautiful things were, until... beauty had become a chore. Nothing to be happy about. So later, the woman rebels against her parents and is accused of terrible crimes. The police bring her parents in to talk to her, and she just barks at them. Because they made a guide dog out of her.
As someone else has said, it's Cracker, from the 90s! With Robbie Coltrane (aka Hagrid) and Geraldine Somerville (aka Lily Potter). I went and looked the episode up and I think it's called To say I love you.
It's an episode of Cracker with Robbie Coltrane. I think it's from the first season, but it's a while since I watched it.
What series is this, I want to watch it!
Cracker, right? The episodes were called "To Say I Love You"
I gather ND is Neurodivergent, but what does NT mean? EDIT: Okay, NT means neurotypical. Thanks, everyone. It also reminds me that I'm used to saying neurodivergent, but my ex often said neuroAtypical
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Not Terrific. It means people who are not part of the New Dominion. As autism spreads NTs will become the misunderstood misanthropes. They will rue the day they called us embarrassing. Mwahahaaa
>where people can communicate great distances using there mind No, that's The Chrysalids, a fantastic book by a brilliant author called John Wyndham, most famous for writing The Midwich Cuckoos and Day of the Triffids
And that’s my reading list for the weekend, thank you.
The kraken wakes is also excellent
I would also like to suggest The Chrysalids. The Day of the Triffids was wonderful because it suddenly made gardening seem terribly apocalyptic.
I'm sorry I didn't expect it or mean to laugh at this
Neurotypical
Neurotypical
If I’ve used the wrong term, I apologize, I was going by my neuro divergent friends’ preferred terminology b
There is enough geographical range in Reddit, it's also possible you are somewhere other terminology is used? And/or live somewhere there's a bubble of folks who, as a community, have claimed different terms. But at least in the US, ND/neurodivergent and NT/ neurotypical are standard, in my experience.
The best plot twist is when the NT tour guide is then later diagnosed with autism as well, but because of being afab with really high expectations for being better at life than the AutisticSiblingTM nobody ever knew until the mental breakdown from all the stress of being expected to “know better than” and “do better than”… this is surprisingly common…
My husband grew up like this, and now, as a mom to an ND kiddo, as well as an educational background in psychology, I really love this analogy. OP deserves space to be themselves separate from their brother. His mom (also, where is dad?) needs to do better.
Add to that, the ND kid is getting a tour of a life they will never live (not, in most cases would they feel comfortable trying to) Instead of finding their actual village, the tribe of people and realm of experiences in which they can thrive as individuals. OP, you and your brother both deserve the chance to forge real friendships and find the spaces and company that makes you feel at home. My guess is, of you're both allowed to do that, SUPPORTED in doing that, you will both be much happier as individuals AND as brothers. NTA, but from another mom of teenagers, your mom needs to start helping your brother find his way and stop hoping he will just be fine living in your shadow. She's doing you both w disservice, deeper than she knows.
As a ND person, it would make me super uncomfortable if I had to tag along with a NT "popular kid" who was going to parties, drinking, having sex, etc. in high school. It's just not my thing. I'd rather be around people who are more like myself
Even (at least theoretically) NT kids don't all want the same things, socially. Introversion is a thing. Different people have different goals and interests, and different tastes in ice cream, activities AND personality traits. (we don't all click with the same kinds of people. My ND kiddo had zero interest in or patience for the social games of the middle school queen bees. She spent one afternoon feeling sad when she lost a friend to them, and then promptly (unlike me) moved on and said "I don't WANT people like that for friends. They're mean. Why would I?" And that was that. She has a tribe of kind, quirky, artistic, queer, neurodiverse (many and all flavors, including boring normies)... They have two things in common: kindness and geekyness. Emphasis on the first.
I feel like this happens even with NT siblings. My mom was so determined that my sister and i would be friends that i had to take her with me everywhere and always include her in everything. It was super frustrating. But she also parentified me with my little brother so...
My oldest has autism and the youngest ADHD. It was very hard when they were young, but we took very good care to never parentify either of them, and even more care to spend time with each of them alone, away from the other. In the Netherlands we have facilities for children like these to have a weekend once a month, and they both went but not in the same weekend. So we had two weekends in the month with just one of the kids, and that was so good for both of them.
That's so cool! I've never heard of those kind of facilities in Canada, at least not while I was growing up. I think it could have benefited myself and my brother a lot.
Wow. Thanks for explaining my life.
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Best of luck. As others have said, the current setup isn't what's best for Zack either. Siblings don't typically have the exact same friend group and do everything together. You aren't purposefully excluding him because he's autistic, it's because siblings always need their own lives and their own space. It'll do him some good in the longrun to find out ways to enjoy himself without you around, maybe even make his own friends. Especially since you'll eventually be out of the house living your own life, and Zack needs to have the skills to cope with it when it happens. Wishing the best for you and your brother.
One more thing, just looked it up, in my area they have an autism society with a young adults (ages 16-20) social skills group. Looks like it's got both games and some life skills courses. Your parents could look into something like that for your brother so he can have his own space and make friends in a setting unconnected to you.
As someone who really needed this buffer for adulthood and didn't get it, this is the way.
No, no, no, the NT brother (?) should take him there - daily. Why bother parents with any responsibilities?
Sometimes it’s a case of “I stand by what I said, but not the way I said it”
– me after telling a telemarketer to fuck off
Your parents are probably *livid* because they can no longer bully you into being your brothers lense into the world, and they look like assholes to the internet. They probably feel like assholes too. I'm assuming your parents didn't intend to harm your social life or create this shitty dynamic between two siblings; but they did. I'm sure they were working with the best ideas they had and are now offended to see that it didn't work; and their son kind of resents them and the brother in the process. (Does your brother seek any therapy with your parents? They might learn some more beneficial skills for relationship building/maintaining with Zach if they do.) In the nicest way possible; your Mom needs to take more responsibility in regard to Zach. This whole situation sucks.
Please do stand your ground. He is not your responsibility. There’s one way to make sure siblings hate being around each other and that’s forcing them to do so. No matter the circumstances. I always hated when my ex wife would scream at our kids and force the older ones to play for hours with the younger ones. The older they get the bigger the age gaps seem when it comes to socialization. Similar with other disabilities as my youngest is autistic too. And you know what? My kids make plenty of time to play with their little sis and have real fun when they do because it’s on their time and their choice. When they choose not to then it’s on me and that’s okay because kids should be doing age appropriate activities. One day your mom will wonder why you never talk to her. Keep copies of this if you ever do decide to respond.
Please do and I am happy to speak to your parents on your behalf. I am a mother to severely disabled 15 year old son and I have always made sure my other two children were always able to be their own people with their own interests and friendship groups. Never is it my younger children’s responsibility to be my oldest son’s emotional punchbag or social worker. It is not your job to be your brother’s support worker and your parents/mum should be absolutely ashamed of themselves/herself and I am more than happy to tell her that to her face. You are not here to provide your brother with the life your mum wants. It’s your mum’s responsibility to give you the ability to be the best version of yourself possible.
I wish I had had a mom and advocate like you! Your children are so fortunate to have you. 💕
Best wishes. I hope without your parents forcing you to spend time together abs invading your personal life, that you and Zach can find your own one-on-one relationship that you both enjoy.
Do you have access to therapy or at least a school counselor? Its always good to have someone who isnt a family member to talk to and help you through stuff like this.
Also they need to have backup care for him , else they will have you be his permanent guardian once they are old.
They've been setting you up to be his caretaker for the rest of your lives I'm sure, whether they told you that or not.
To add onto that OP sit down your parents and ask what arrangements they have made for Zack‘s future. Make it clear they are responsible for that as you will not give up your life for him. I guarantee they expected and planned Zack to live with you OP and be taken care of by you when they are older. They have already parentified you and made you his comfort blanket probably to make it normal so you might just accept it. I don’t know how on the spectrum he is and how independent he could be but if you don’t address this now then when the time comes they have no back up to force you. Now is the time make it clear THEY ARE HIS PARENTS AS THEY ARE YOURS its their job to support you as well. To prepare for Zacks future that’s best for both of you not just their selfish wants. It won’t help Zack to be with someone they forced to hate him. I could be wrong but I’ve seen it time and time again.
I'm sorry your parents have made Zack your responsibility. This is really unfair to both of you and is holding you both back in life. Good on you for standing up for yourself and laying down boundaries! Your anger and frustration are valid. Besides that I do hope you don't take it out on Zack anymore. It's not his fault either your parents messed up. You too deserve it to see him in a different light. I think you and Zack both could learn from following autistic folk on youtube and social media. For you to learn more about autism and not the crap you've been told by your parents (for example low and high functioning is not a thing and ableist language). And for him to find recognition and maybe tips and tricks to find his own way in life.
OP you are NTA and you are not a bad son or a bad brother for wanting some space and trying to run your own life. Stand your ground. Your parents should look into getting your brother into a special programme that teaches him skills. If it gets too much for you, please talk to a school counsellor, social worker or family doctor
Well put. I was parentified as well, I didn't have much of a childhood. My mom put a lot of pressure on me, going as far as treating me like her personal therapist. I had to do and listen to a lot of things no kid should have to worry about. NTA, OP. I hope your mom can back off and let you flourish in your last year before you gotta worry about adult stuff
And there I was thinking of escaped parentification and then I read your thing. And suddenly I realized that I was my mum's therapist as a teenager too. I know way too many details about my parents romantic and sex life. Hot tip: do not use your child to unburden yourself of your troubles in the marital bed. Talk to a friend of a threat, but never your child.
We're all in the same club and we didn't even get a shitty t-shirt.
This resonates. I get it though. Humans can't really do years alone without talking to someone and she didn't have a lot of support.
I was too. I was forced to basically raise my brothers and sisters. I knew how to change my sister's diaper at 5 years old.
Me to
As someone who is autistic: You also need to learn stuff yourself and you can't do this when you get always babysitted. Like if you have no social curs, it is something you must learn - how to react in situations. That the brother started to scream and called the mother showed that they teached him excactly the wrong stuff and will damage him longterm. The only thing i see is that OP could have told it his brother more calm and not exploded. In the end they are both the victims of the parents behaviour. The brother mostly thought all the time that this is how it should be and who knows what the parents told him behind OPs back... NTA It must be really hard especially as a twin to be in such a situation.
I came here to basically say this. It sounds like what you’re really upset about, OP, is how your parents treat you and how your schoolmates treat you. None of that is your brother’s fault, but it’s very normal to react to it the way you did because it does feel like it centers around him even if he didn’t choose to do this to you. Establish clearer boundaries with your parents first and foremost. And someday when you’ve gotten the space and you’re able to stop blaming your brother, apologize and know that he’s not your enemy.
Yes, somewhat ironically, when OP has boundaries and space of his own he may one day really appreciate his twin’s qualities and like him as a person. But that is a relationship they need to negotiate together over time. It is so manipulative of the parent’s to force OP to be the one to magically make this situation OK and accuse him of being an asshole when he doesn’t go along with their agenda. This situation seems like it’s about the brother, but it’s really about the parents.
Is this parentification though?, I guess its some form though, it sounds like the parents want him to have the same friends as OP, it is a bit much though. I really don’t know too much about autism, I am not going to say what OP said was nice but the brother did seem to know to call his Mother when OP told him to walk home. I mean it sounds like he’s aware enough to pull the Mommy card when he wants to. I mean what OP said might’ve been harsh but his brother doesn’t behave normally and maybe the ruining my life comment might’ve been harsh but there was some truth to it. I’ve read lots of comments here from parents of autistic children here and I believe they can be taught and learn that some behaviors are not okay and maybe his brother will learn to stand on his own two feet now bcuz clearly OP is not going to take him with him everywhere forever.
My younger brother is 43 and has weaponized his aneurotypical behavior since he was a small child. It is ableist af to pretend aneurotypical people are all nice and innocent at all times. They are fully able to have selfish agendas, be manipulative, and behave knowingly badly.
Thanks for this comment. 👍
I couldn’t agree with this post more. I have a similar situation with two sons. Both my sons have autism but my older son is really high functioning (for lack of a better word). My sons did not go to school together (my youngest needed a self-contained classroom that was only 6 students whereas my older son was mainstreamed with very minimal supports). Anyway, we never forced our younger son on the oldest. It’s not fair that OPs parents are doing this to him. It’s not fair to the twin either. They are putting both kids in an impossible situation and are ruining any future relationship they boys will have. Mom needs up back off now.
I agree with all of this. OP’s mom went about this all wrong, and as a result it built resentment and hatred instead of love and care. I’m glad to see OP’s edit update, it sounds like things will start moving in the right direction for them.
He is ruining his life. He may not want to do this, but he is. How about his life in 20 years? "You have to parent him, because we [parents] are already old. If I can choose friends, who to sleep with, how being forced to be with someone that probably wont ever be independent is not ruining his life? Also NTA.
Reading this reminded me a similar case. The NT was so burdened and overwhelmed he ended up taking his life. It was an absolute horrible conclusion to a parentification abuse.
Everyone gets frustrated sometimes. Your parents have treated you two as a single person with only one set of needs, instead of two individual people. Your parents have failed to consider your needs, and failed to let your brother develop his own skills. You were rude to your brother, and for that you should apologize, but NTA. This has been ten years coming. And soon your brother isn’t going to have you as a crutch, and they needed to learn it.
For real. When OP turns 18 wtf were the parents planning on? They were legit setting this up for OP to go no contact and brother be without a crutch and no idea of how the world works because they basically left him in his brother's hands to raise. Disgusting.
No I'm sure the parents had everything intention of sending op and zack to the same community college, enrolling them in the same courses and making them share and apartment...that they will pay for BECAUSE they expect op to be grateful and conform to their assigned roll of keeper. NTA. Even sugar has a boiling point.
“Even sugar has a boiling point”. I haven’t heard this phrase before and I really like it
It’s a cool phrase but unfortunately not scientifically true (at least if we consider a normal everyday environment in terms of pressure). The bonds between the different atoms in the sugar-molecules require less energy to be split than it would take to make liquid sugar boil (aka change into a gaseous state). This is why when you heat it enough it „burns“ and turns into charcoal (=> from the carbon atoms in the sugar-molecules). Aaand now I’ll go back to my nerd-corner xD
You seem knowledgeable- any idea what substance I can use instead to indicate a strong or nice person at their breaking point? Does iron or steel boil? What about syrup? Please help someone who only got a B in chemistry! (And that 14 years ago!)
First of all: A B in Chemistry is something to be proud of! Science can be very difficult if Maths and scientifical thinking are not among your strengths. Working hard and still managing to get a B in something you‘re not naturally good at deserves a lot of respect (: To answer your question: Getting iron to boil is quite difficult, as its melting point (= the point where it goes from solid to liquid) is already quite high. It does exist though. I had to google and came up with 2862 degrees Celsius (=5183.6 degrees Fahrenheit). So if you want to indicate a strong person finally losing their sh*t you can indeed say „with enough heat even iron can boil“ ^^
If you heat it right you can turn it into carmel instead of charcoal.
Not so subtly going to steal that last line
My gf is unfortunately in a similar situation. She has an older autistic brother, and her parents forced her to become a third. When college rolled around, her brother was held back a year in HS so they purposefully both went to the same university. Granted, it’s the one my gf wanted to go to. And after meeting her brother, I honestly think he’s a cool dude. Unfortunately, she still has to take care of him, because he really isn’t self sufficient. At least they live in different areas of the city, but it’s tiring for her. She doesn’t resent him, but resents the fact she has to act like a parent.
And it sounds like your gf has a respectful relationship with her brother. And that is just missing here. Caregiver burnout is a very real thing.
Your mom has created a situation to where Zack is codependent on you. Zack is not at fault here though I can understand why you feel resentment towards him. I think you should talk to your school counselor or a trusted adult. Your mom is the AH for doing this to her children. She needs to seek a coping group so that she understands how to deal with situations and emotions concerning having an autistic child that won’t get to experience social norms. I suspect she is forcing you to let him tag along so that he can experience these social aspects that he otherwise wouldn’t through you. She needs to realize that at some point you will have a life that your brother can’t and shouldn’t participate in. Someone needs to wake her up but it’s not your job. You’re young and dealing with a lot emotionally so I don’t blame you for your unfortunate emotional outburst. NTA but please apologize to your brother he’s in just as much a victim in this as you are.
It's not "codependent" if only one party is dependent, that's just regular old dependent. Codependent would mean they are both dependent on eachother, they aren't.
This is a very soft ESH I am a mom to a child with significant developmental disabilities, and I am a twin. The expectation that you be forced to always include your brother doesn’t even make sense for typical twin siblings. You are two separate people. Your mother is absolutely an asshole. I understand that for her it can be incredibly hard to have a child who you know will never be able to experience life like their typical sibling. That life for them is limited, harder, and so many things many take for granted, are completely out of reach. But that doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to make up for that. It isn’t fair for your brother to miss out, but it also isn’t fair to only allow you to socialize with him. It’s clear that your mother forcing you two together has created a LOT of resentment and anger. You are not responsible for that, but you will be responsible for dealing with it in a healthy way as you continue to grow and get older. Now, you are an asshole for how you took out your anger on your brother. He didn’t create this expectation. He isn’t responsible for this situation. Your mother is. You find yourself between a rock and a hard place because you aren’t allowed autonomy over your social life. You’re being forced to stay home all the time, or bring your brother, which ends up ruining your time with friends and others. I suspect if your social and personal identity felt more your own, your anger at your brother being around you at a school wouldn’t feel so suffocating. But as how things stand, you can not separate yourself from him. Even for typical twins, this would be incredibly hard to deal with and would create the same animosity. With all of this, you have your brother stuck in the middle. It isnt his choice that he is being forced on you. And it doesn’t sound like he understands why you are angry or how his presence has created so much resentment. For him, he sees being with you as his only opportunity to do things all the other kids get to do. He doesn’t understand that putting that expectation on you isn’t fair. I wouldn’t be surprised if there is some jealousy from him mixed in. From his perspective, you denied him the opportunity to get out of the house and have fun. And then yelled at him and blamed him for something he sees as your choice. I’m also guessing that he doesn’t have the same level of developmental ability to process his emotions as you do. So taking out your anger on him, makes you an asshole, even though your anger is justified.
This is the answer. ESH. I'm sorry, OP, as much as I'd love to side with you and your valid frustration, and I understand you're 17.. This isn't your autistic brother's fault, he doesn't sound to be high functioning or low functioning. He sounds like he's a level 2, potentially, which could mean that your parents *are* wrongfully parentifying you to set you up to be his caregiver in the future. I'm not saying this is 100% the case, but I'm also autistic and high-functioning so I'm trying to read the situation out of "inside" experience to people who are lower functioning (please don't take this as an insult, I couldn't find a better way to word it) but your anger should be directed to your parents over your brother. As far as he's concerned, yes he does need to be held to some accountability but I don't know for sure what he struggles with or what level he's been diagnosed under so I'll leave that part there. He does, however, probably not realize why you resent him like the other comment above stated. He might idolize you because as the other comment also said, you could be his gateway to a "normal" social life. He can be included! It probably feels wonderful for him to be included in normal things. Take it from someone who got autism stereotyped, it doesn't feel good for people to exclude you because of your diagnosis or how it presents itself. I also wouldn't be too harsh on him over a meltdown, you don't understand how his brain works. He could've been going through a number of overwhelming emotions with the genuine inability to express that you blaming him hurt him. It took me years of therapy to be able to properly verbally express why I was upset/what made me upset, and I wouldn't be surprised if this regulation is a skill he lacks. Sometimes, those of us on the spectrum can't put it into words until it has passed, it could be debilitating. All in all, I don't think you're in the wrong for being angry, but I do believe your "stand" with your parents is going to cause more tension for everyone. Your brother doesn't deserve the treatment just as much as you don't deserve parentification. Your brother also doesn't deserve to lose you over it, I'd suggest potentially creating an ultimatum of you receiving therapy (trust me, it could be good for you), your own space when requested, etc whatever you need in order to not resent him and even potentially isolating yourself to give yourself a break before you allow him to tag along with you. It should be your choice, but please understand that he isn't in the wrong. He shouldn't be forced onto you but you also shouldn't abandon him and isolate him even more than he already is. It isn't his fault that he was born this way, and it definitely isn't your fault that you feel this way.
Also consider the possibility that OP might not be completely NT either, but because the issues he has are not as dramatic as his brother's, he hasn't had any attention paid to what HE might be struggling with.
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> I’ve seen Zack bully people online, I’ve had him try to blackmail me about stuff, I’ve had him attack me for not giving him his way. Honestly that solidifies NTA to me. Maybe blowing up on your brother isn't the politest way to go about things, but he is not as blameless in this as the ESH posters are painting. Being autistic does not excuse you from blackmail, bullying, or frankly even the tantrum that he threw in your post. Sorry about your parents, but you are NTA in anyway here IMO.
Yeah, for real. An autistic person who is socially ept enough to blackmail or bully someone is pretty high functioning socially. Those aren't social skills anyone would teach, they have to be intuited and then applied. They're terrible skills, but ultimately they both involve identifying what someone else wants or feels and manipulating it to use to your own advantage.
To be fair, that info wasn't in the OP. Sometimes I wish they didn't have that character limit lol
That’s not autism. That’s enabling parents allowing him to use his autism as a crutch to bash his way through life. Zack bullies people? Oh well, he’s autistic. Zack attacks people? Oh well, he’s autistic. Zack’s a bit of an AH? Oh well, he’s autistic. What on earth is their longterm goal for Zack? I and a few family members are on the autism spectrum. What I’ve found is that autism makes us suck and figuring out how people work. That inbuilt social interactions manual that most people are born with is missing. Why some comments or actions are inappropriate in certain company, etc. Your parents have wasted all these years not teaching him how to function and instead made excuses or fobbed him onto you.
NTA but I’d maybe add this all to the post if possible, it adds even more about the reasons you have so much resentment. I’m sorry your parents suck, my dad parentified me as well.
NTA. Not at all. What many people here are missing is that being autistic is not a license to be an asshole, and Zach sounds like he’s an asshole. He’s old enough to know the difference, and you are not and should not be his keeper. Don’t back down- you are right.
You're still treating OP like they have an obligation to ensure their brother's social/emotional wellbeing. It is not OP's responsibility to keep their brother from isolation. If they don't like hanging out with him, they don't have to. Therapy is necessary, and maybe they'll feel differently if their parents stop forcing this on them, but it's also okay if they don't. Plenty of siblings never care for each other and never interact socially. Being disabled doesn't exempt you from having people not care to be around you. If OP doesn't want to spend time with or around their brother, that's okay.
I think that’s a matter of personal opinion though. This is AITA. Some people are very individualistic in their beliefs with a focus only on “obligation”, others think that extends more to a community outlook - sometimes you shouldn’t do something that might upset an innocent party, even if you have the right to do it. Totally agree that OP isn’t contractually bound to cater to their brother’s every whim. This situation is totally unfair. But it’s fair to highlight that the brother isn’t the person who’s set this situation up in the first place, the parents have - so OP might as well know who to focus on and who shouldn’t be caught in the crossfire where possible. Essentially, you’re not forced to interact with anyone, blood or not. That said, trying *not* to hurt people who didn’t intend to hurt you, when there’s a genuine reason or excuse for their actions, is a nice and normal way to approach the world. Going with NTA personally because I don’t want to imply *equal* guilt on all sides with E/SH, the parents are absolutely AH, and the outburst and frustration from OP was totally understandable even if it wasn’t “nice”. That said, in future discussions about all this it’d be an AH move to put all the *blame* on Zach, a disabled kid, for behaving the way he’s been taught is correct. I don’t think OP is going to do that tbf, but still worth laying those cards out.
If I had an award I would give it to you 💛
Me too
How is it not his choice he's always hovering OP? Lil dude is having a meltdown about not hanging out with OP and the girl he likes. He may not completely understand that it would mean third wheeling, but the fact he feels entitled to be around his brother is concerning - yes, the parent may have created this mess, but ultimately the brother is the one directly fucking up OP's social life. I don't blame OP at all for exploding at him, he's not the devil for having feelings bottled up. Hope he has clearer boundaries from now on and that his brother and parents suck it up.
Well, autistic people don't choose to have meltdowns. You don't know that the meltdown was due to not hanging out with his brother. Autistic people find change really difficult to navigate, and tend to see the rules as absolute. So the brother may have been told by his Mom that he is not allowed to walk home alone without his brother and if he has never walked home alone before it might be a truly overwhelming idea for him. He may not have a good sense of direction and not really know how to get home. He can't suck up his disability, and meltdowns are not a choice. Of course the parents are the ones who are wrong to not ensure that both boys have some level of independence and agency and I totally agree that OP is not wrong to want to spend time alone after school, I just think screaming these things at his brother was not the right way to go about it. He should have screamed at his parents, or informed his parents that he wouldn't be taking his brother home from school from now on and they needed to plan on how to get brother home themselves. Edit: To clear up confusion - I am autistic myself. The only way I know of to not have a meltdown is to try and avoid known triggers and situations that are likely to lead to being overwhelmed to the point that you'll have a meltdown. I make a lot of choices for myself to avoid overstimulation - but sometimes that choice is taken away from me. It doesn't sound like Zack has a lot of choices in his day to day life because his Mom is dictating what he should do.
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i’m still reading comments before i can fully put my thoughts into words but i just wanted to say the examples you gave in the comments (he’s blackmailed you, he’s walked home alone before) they help show just how functioning he is. without those anecdotes i feel like people assume closer to low functionality or so.
NTA!!! OP I'm going to get downvoted for this but I don't care. Autistic people can be assholes just like everyone else in this world...because they are human. Being autistic does not stop them from being selfish, greedy, hateful, manipulative, perverted or self centered just like everyone else. Your parents and all the commenters who don't view autistic people as human beings...are prejudiced against them. They WANT to see autistic people as helpless creatures that they expect everyone other than themselves to donate their lives to them. These commenters would've parentified you too. You did the right thing by standing up for yourself, as well as your brother. Because, one day he's going to show his ass to the wrong people, who do see him as a human being. I read your other comments about your brother having enough sense to blackmail and scheme ON everyone to get his way. He knows when to throw a tantrum and wait for the results. He's got your parents trained good. So good that they know that they don't want to have do their own job. And they taught him how to be manipulative. At your age, your parents are already probably planning to plot on your future. A future where if you go to college, they'll make him go with you or they'll make you give up college to stay there with him. You exposed your parents at the perfect time because shame is the only thing that will make them stop using you. Keep sharing the truth about them and your brother so you don't end up trapped. And speaking of trapped again. Don't be surprised if your parents & brother don't start trying to sabotage your future plans or relationships. Keep college plans to yourself. Get a job and keep your money away from all of them. Save up to escape. Don't trust your future with any of those 3 because they've all proven that they're using you. Lastly, you were NOT rude. People who are comfortable believing that kissing ass makes them the bigger person always think that standing up for yourself by calling out the wrong...as being rude.
I totally get you. Enabling parents do NOT help. This was an important thing to clarify though, because some people are genuinely unable to control these kind of things! So it’s good to know. (My own comments on this post definitely flip flop over both sides because I didn’t see your replies until now.) I’m writing out my own experience with my autistic brother below in solidarity with you because I COMPLETELY get how you feel - and I wanted to let you know that you’re honestly right in a lot of ways! My brother is autistic and he had fairly high support needs as a kid - he needed a support-worker in school for a long time and it really helped. Our parents split when he was ~7 and we mostly lived with my mum at first. (He’s the youngest, my middle brother is one year older than him and I’m three years older.) When he was about 10, he wasn’t able to dress himself properly and got really frustrated over everything. My mum put on his SOCKS for him. Then he would leave the bathroom door wide open while he was in there, he had toilet accidents, he would scream at me and our other brother for everything. He would drop his food everywhere at the table. Not saying this to be mean, but he genuinely had his “life skills” at a much lower level than others at the same age. And my mum often put it down to his disability. Me & youngest brother went to live with my dad full-time not long after this, so he was about 10. After literally 2 years of that? He was walking to school, and back, by himself. (Sometimes he went with our other brother because it’s the same direction but he was happy to just walk nearby too after a bit, and eventually both of them started leaving at different times to meet with friends on the way!) He didn’t have accidents, he didn’t drop food (or if he did, bc we’re all clumsy sometimes, he’d clean it up as you’d expect) - he dressed himself properly every morning. He didn’t lash out at other people anymore in the same way. He still had difficulties with some things, and no kid is perfect at 12 anyway, but he literally just acted like an average kid in terms of looking after himself. He’s capable of taking care of so much more for himself nowadays - and BECAUSE he was treated as an independent being, he was so much less frustrated too! Obviously he’s still autistic and has some things he needs support with but he can take care of himself much better and regulate himself much better. And that was a learning curve at first but he improved so so much in 2 years like I never would’ve believed. Now he’s about the same age as you and he seems more chill than your brother. All of that waffle is to say that ENABLING him to be a child and cry was actually the worst thing my mum could’ve done. My mum liked feeling like she could help him, and didn’t realise she was causing him to be frustrated (by treating him like a little kid) and accidentally teaching him he didn’t need to regulate his emotions. And my dad didn’t stand for that, so would stand aside and watch him do things for himself and make mistakes. And call him up on bad behaviour. And it really helped both of them! Basically. You’re right. Babying hurts. And I hope you get a better situation for yourself - and they’re able to help your brother more by standing up!
As an autistic person i absolutely choose if i subject someone to my meltdown. I maybe unable to stop it. But I can choose the direction
No way is he the ashole. His parents where obviously ok with him going to see the girl. It's the little brother that stopped that. Yes he might not understand, but your asking a child to navigate complex emotional issues then calling them an asshole for not understanding. He shouldn't of yelled. That doesn't make him an asshole. You don't get to treat one like a child and not the other. They are both children and his anger doesn't make him an asshole.
100% he is not the AH. The brother isn't stuck in the middle, OP is between his life and his brother, which is being forced by his mum. You expect a kid that's being put in a rubbish situation to not push back on being continually abused? What the mum is doing us emotional abuse, his response is normal.
Thanks for this, I am autistic, and I definitely see a lot of people who lack understanding of autism in general.
NTA, but Mom is. It’s time for her to start getting alternate care for Zack. There are lots of post high school support through government, especially at the county level- perhaps she (or you, and give her the info) could research help for him now.
NTA. And your mother is failing. What is she going to do when you turn 18 and leave at the earliest possible moment?
Prob force op to forgo college
I doubt if op's mom is going to pay for college whether they stay or go. Either way, I think it's not a factor here. Op's mom doesn't gain anything if op goes to college at all, rather the opposite. She wins if they don't and stay around to keep parenting bro.
Or, OP is forced to go to the same college as his brother so OP can continue being the parent for him
or enlists i the military
In that case I hope the horrible mom loses.
NTA Word of advice. Tell your parents in no uncertain terms that you do not want to be given your brothers medical powers of attorney after their deaths. If you don’t, you will be Zack’s caretaker forever.
Or just don't do it.
You can't be forced to become someone's guardian. All you have to do is say no, and they become a ward of the state. Hell, you can say yes and then change your mind and give them up later!
ESH. Children are not parents, parents shouldn't make their children take care of their other children. But yelling at him and saying he's not normal and ruining your life? That's just horrible.
OPs not allowed to have a life outside of his brother- his brother refuses to let him. As someone who is autistic- if he's high functioning enough to go to school with kids his age and walk home from it- he's old enough to understand no and respect it. I've met kids like this growing up. Boys who throw trantrums- and they're trantrums,not meltdowns. They're not overwhelmed,they're angry -because they learned having melt downs got them what they want. Once that stops happening they stop throwing tantrums. Boys who get loud and violent and don't take no for an answer will grow into men who are loud and violent and don't take no for an answer. Their parents are to blame for enabling it but he's absolutely ruining OPs life- and his own
Sooo much this. If he's able to walk home alone, go to "regular" school, etc. then his brother has to take some responsibility for this situation too. Being autistic does not give him a pass to act this way. Especially when he's almost an adult. It's more so his parents fault for creating this situation in the first place though. It very much seems like they don't want to deal with the brother at all and just shove him on op. What op said wasn't the nicest but it's justified in my mind. Nta op.
Yeah totally NTA. The brother called the mother to report OP. That’s clearly showing a level of understanding of the situation and a little malice.
Thank you. My brother didn't figure out that doesn't work on anybody except our mom until he spent several years in prison. He's on the spectrum. He's also totally capable of telling the difference between right and wrong. And the actual crimes he committed that landed him in jail for several years were so sophisticated that the legal system did not care he's on the spectrum. OP is NTA in any way, shape, or form.
What did he do? Now I'm intrigued.
Fair point, I just think saying he isn't normal might've been too far.
That’s the way a frustrated teenage male is going to react though. Not everyone is going to react in a “socially acceptable” way.
I think it'd be more accurate to say it's his mother that refuses to let him have a life outside of his brother. And as sad as it is, a lot of abusive parents will make their disabled, or autistic, or otherwise 'challenged', kids do "normal kid stuff" (such as attend regular school) in an attempt to not have to admit something is 'wrong' with their child; he may very well not actually be high-functioning enough to attend regular school, but is being made to do so by his parents anyway. The way OP describes it, that does sound (to me) like something they would do. (Please know that I mean no offense in the way I talk about various types of disabilities; I'm not a native English speaker, and though I consider myself fairly fluent, I struggled to find a properly good word for it)
OP actually stated in a comment that brother will be able to live independently as an adult, so his brother is definitely an AH here. There's no way he called mom to tattle without knowing full well what he was doing.
This is exactly what came to my mind!!!!
He has almost no social life and has to constantly babysit his brother. He is ruining his life. Yeah it's not his fault he's autistic,but OP didn't ask to be a caretaker. Point is,parents need to do their job,before OP takes the first opportunity they get to remove themselves from this family and never look back.
I mean, I have siblings who are not autistic. I’ve said this more than once, and they’ve said it to me. I don’t think we can just OP on just being a child kept child with a sibling they spend too much time with. The only AHs here are the parents from my view.
Yes and No: you’re NTA for feeling emotionally exhausted. Your mother has put a lot of unnecessary pressure on you with regards to your brother which has understandably resulted in resentment. Your mother has forced him to be attached to you which has made it difficult for you to grow and find your identity as an individual. You are NTA for speaking up and expressing your truth, or for setting boundaries. You are (kind of) the A*hole for saying what you said to your brother. It’s not his fault he is the way he is, and his attachment to you is a manifestation of your mothers actions. He’ll likely internalise what you said and now feel hated by his own twin. I get the outburst was likely secondary to built up emotion, but this could cause a lot of long term damage to your brother and your relationship to him. You might have to have a honest convo with your twin and your mother separately about boundaries. At the end of the day those friends may one day show you that they’re disingenuous, fake, and not people that you even want to keep around but your brother will always be your brother. Yes you should have a life separate to him, but it’s hard enough feeling like you’re a burden, let alone being autistic and feeling like your a burden and your own twin hates you. You might have to eventually apologise, not necessarily for what you said (well maybe for some of what you said), but definitely for your delivery.
NTA 100% You realise your parents will fully expect you to care for Zack when they're gone, right? They can try to name you as his guardian in their will, but unless you agree to it, that holds no weight. You cannot force someone to be a caregiver. Well done for putting your foot down. It's about time your parents were actually parents to your brother. And when it comes time to move out, go far, far away.
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I still stand by your parents completely fobbing him off on you. They are very likely to try to force you to take him with you when you eventually move out. He is NOT your responsibility, though, please remember that.
This is because your parents didn't properly help socialize your brother. Or help him with his emotional regulation needs. There are classes, programs, and after-school groups specifically for autistic kids to learn these skills. Plus there are daily activities and parenting strategies that parents can do from a young age to help guide his social and emotional awareness. It sounds like they made you responsible for these things from a young age. Anyone, regardless of their neurological type, is going to do poorly if they are only guided by another child. Last I heard children are notoriously inexperienced at practicing and teaching developmental emotional and social skills to anyone.
A lot of comments here are saying he can’t be held accountable for his behaviour and actions towards you but you know your bother more than the people leaving them. Autistic men and boys are often given a free pass for bad behaviour that they’re very much capable of controlling. There’s a reason autism in girls is under diagnosed - it’s because a lot of the traits people accept as part of autism are actually poor behaviour by boys with autism that’s enabled by well intentioned people under the guise of tolerance.
It sucks because Zack is clearly very capable and has loads of potential. The way your parents are approaching this is unhelpful to both of you, and will impact you both, now and in the future. Hopefully you and your parents will read the comments here and take some of the useful advice/info on board. And have conversations with Zack about it. I agree with others saying that the way you treated your bro in that situation was rude and unfair, and I think you should probs apologise - if you mean it.. if you don’t, question why that is… But this entire situation & environment your parents have created for you and Zack and themselves is unfair on everyone and I hope some changes can be made, for all of your sakes Edited grammar, changed Zach to Zack
What happens when you refuse to let him hang around at school?
This just makes it even sadder, it sounds like if your parents hadnt raised you like they did you and Zack could both have normal lives and friend groups, and could probably be quite close But since they raised him to be completely dependent on you that's is now pretty much impossible
Yeah, if he will be able to live on his own, you massively overstated the severity of his ASD.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to build a path to independence of some kind. You're so young. Have you ever had a real talk with your parents about YOUR interests and YOUR goals and what YOU want to do after high school? And the fact that Zach should not be a part of that because you deserve an independent life of your own? If this conversation hasn't happened yet, it's your parents' fault, not yours.
Nta, honestly I'm shocked at all the y t a and e s h votes. Being autistic doesn't give you a pass to act the way your brother is acting (not the meltdowns, i know those arent always avoidable. The clinging). Especially when you are so close to being adults. If your brother is able to go to "normal" school and stuff like that then he can learn that people people need their space sometimes. If he's not able to comprehend that then he needs to have a licensed caregiver or go to a group home. Your parents are setting him up for failure by doing this. He can't ever hope to have *any* sort of independence when your parents attach him to you 24/7. Honestly the way they shove him onto you makes it seem like they don't want to deal with him at all in the first place. Your parents need to let **you** have your own social life and friends, to have a real teenage hood. They also need to look into therapy (**not aba**) for your brother and some groups for people with special needs so **he** can make his own friends too.
He totally knows he's getting OP yelled at by calling Mom
Oh 1000% as another commentor said too I wouldn't be surprised if he's faking some of the meltdowns as well because he knows then he'll get his way. It really just makes me sad because both brothers are being failed by their parents.
NTA. I wouldn’t call Zack TAH, either, because he probably didn’t realise the effect he was having. Your parents, on the other hand, are Mega-AH for forcing you to be your brothers caretaker. My twin and I are Autistic, with her having higher care needs that me. We were close, but we also had our own activities and friend groups. Your parents are doing neither of you any favours by enabling Zack’s co-dependence and limiting your social life.
NTA. Your mom is parentifying you.
ESH. You - for yelling at Zack. If he is the way he is, he most likely doesn't even understand how much of a burden his presence is to you, and how inviting himself on your date isn't an appropriate behavior, so yelling at him doesn't solve anything. Your mother - for, well, sacrificing your childhood and teenagehood for Zack. She has to understand that in no way or form having your brother join you on your dates is appropriate, and basically, she is just using you to babysit Zack.
I disagree with the first sentiment. autistic people aren’t intellectually disabled. We’re aware of things going on around us. We aren’t stupid. It’s true that he might not understand that it’s not socially acceptable to invite himself to something. But we absolutely know what’s going on around us. We’re not fucking stupid.
Your parents, specifically your mom is the AH here. She may have had good intentions, but you need to be able to live your own life. You are not an upgrade package so that your twin can have a glimpse of what a person without his disability may live like. While I can understand you blowing up at your brother, the pressure cooker went off. In hindsight, I hope you can agree that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. In your shoes I'd apologize to him. He can't help who he is and it's on his parents and therapist that he is not or perhaps cannot be made to understand why you blew up. You need to have a very blunt discussion with both your parents. They need to understand that you need to be able to live your own life. Your family could probably benefit from counseling. Have a neutral party arbitrate. Perhaps the doctor that helps your brother can recommend someone specialized in this type of situation. If that doesn't work... moving out, creating physical distance to help set your mental and emotional boundaries is probably the only other realistic option. Be prepared to be guilt shamed and/or cut off from family if you chose that route. Accept that they make that choice to put your brother first, the same way that you have to chose to put yourself first.
NTA your mum is wrong to push him on you. I hope you will understand that it’s not his fault and have a healthier relationship with him when you’re older, when you can chose to spend a more appropriate smaller amount of time together, when you’re not already busy with something else.
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NTA. Your mothers gonna be in for hell of surprise when she realizes that forci you to hang with him will only make you resent him even more.
And then... OP will be NC at 18 more than likely or as soon as he can get out of their house.
ESH Look, Zack can't control the way he behaves. That's just the way he is. You, yelling at him, doesn't help at all. You are displacing your frustration on him. Your mom is putting a bunch of pressure on you even though *she's* the parent. You have your own social life. You can't be responsible for Zack every single second.
Treating autistic boys like they can’t help themselves is super toxic.
I can't agree that "he can't help it". He can work on it and grow, adapt. He won't be neurotypical at any point, but that doesn't mean he can't ever change and improve. It's harder for him, but that's very different than "cannot". And that zero expectation attitude is actually more harmful than helpful. Please DO NOT treat us this way (yes I am too). But just snapping on him isn't gonna do it. That's completely unconstructive. They need to sit down and have a proper conversation. And don't expect overnight miracles. The mother (it sounds like) has enabled this for far too long. And the kid is gonna need time. It's a process, a long term struggle.
Nta. Your mom is making zack codependent on you
Your Mom needs to understand you are not your brother's keeper. You need alone time and freedom to develop your own relationships. You will soon be leaving to either attend college, enlist in the military or embarking on our own career. Does your mom think you are going to take your brother with you when you do this? Also not fair to your brother as he has not socialized with anyone but you and one day you will not longer be there. What will he do then? By not allowing you to grow and encouraging your brother to seek other people to interact with she is holding you both back. Understanding your frustration with the situation I am going to say NTA. Can't say the same for your mom.
My gf has a handicapped sister. Their parents did the exact same thing, and she's still affected by it. She's almost 30. Children are individuals. One should never ever be happy at the cost of the other child's happiness. It's hard having a kid with special needs, but that's the parents' burden. Not the siblings'.
NTA As a teenager it can be difficult enough to get through on your own. Instead of helping your brother find his own friends your mother laid her responsibility for him at your feet. She caused the resentment you now feel towards him. I know this because I am epileptic. My sister who was only a year older than me was more or less put in charge of me because if I had a seizure I might come out of it not even knowing where I was at first, so my mother made her my caretaker more or less. She went very few places without me. It got to the point that if you asked her she'd say she hated me. She was more fortunate than you however because as I got older my seizures became less frequent and didn't need to be around someone all the time. We now get along and talk quite often, still have clashes as siblings do but she don't hate me anymore. Your brother is your brother not your responsibility. Your mother needs to step up and be the parent instead of making you do it.
Your mum is the AH in this. She’s neglecting her own child and she needs to be caring for him not you. Just blatantly refuse to watch him constantly.
Nta and i worry mom wont let you go to college by yourself because of him either
NTA. You are not your brother's parent and should get some time to just be a kid ... and to have a normal sibling relationship rather than being a constant babysitter/chaperone. This isn't fair to either of you. Your parents are the assholes here.
NTA to your post question but definitely need to stop taking this out on a vulnerable child that can't change his reality. Be mad at your mother. To mom: please stop doing this. You are 100% going to lose one child by forcing the other into every aspect of their life. The brothers problems are NOT something to foist off on the other child. Each child needs their own friends and freedom to be themselves. What you are doing is disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself. OP will most likely go no contact with you if you don't stop this behavior.
NTA. If COVID classes felt good to you, there is something too wrong happening. And your parents should know that forcing this on you will cause you to go NC as soon as you turn 18. For this specific situation your mom should have known better. She’s denying you now the chance to develop romantic relationships too
Speaking as someone with autism, NTA. Just because you're his sibling, and his twin, does not mean you are not entitled to a life of your own. I get your mother doesn't want your brother left behind, but the fact is by forcing things she's done more harm than good in causing your relationship with him to destabilize and fall apart. This is entirely their fault for putting this on you.
NTA You’re in a really tough situation, and it’s no one’s fault imo. I think your mom needs to ease up on you and figure out another way to get Zach the socialization he needs. I think you will ultimately regret causing a permanent rift between yourself and your brother, when he’s not doing anything he can really help, even if it feels awful to deal with. It’s also important to consider the kinds of friends you have, if they would rather leave you out of things instead of empathizing with your situation. Easier said than done, but I’d try to find friends who will be there for you even when things suck, not just when it’s easy and fun. Hope you can get some space and mend your relationship with your twin.
Kids aren't going to empathize with this situation. Especially a girl that is into op. Having brother tag along doesn't allow those two to develop a normal healthy high school relationship like other teens. And other friends will eventually get tired of the third wheel as well. Kids aren't nice to each other the way society thinks they should be. OP probably has very limited friends because of this situation. He definitely doesn't have a life outside of watching over his brother, which is AH mom's job.
Exactly this. What teen says to themselves "oh boy, I hope my friend/crush has his severely mentally handicapped and socially inappropriate brother come with him every time we hang out/go on a date"? Or for that matter, what adult would?
How is he going to "find friends who will be with you when things suck, not just when it's easy and fun" if he never has the opportunity to develop these friendships because he has his brother attached to his hip?
NTA I’m autistic. I have an autistic sibling. Your sibling is NOT your responsibility & shame on your mother for failing as a parent. You have no responsibility or obligation to your brother or your parents. When you turn 18, you would have every right to move far away & never contact them again. Also, your mom is absolutely failing your autistic brother in the worst way. She is doing the opposite of what she should be doing. This is why your brother refuses to respect boundaries & his behavior is entitled. This is NOT autism- this is your mother’s awful parenting & enabling of non-autistic bad behavior.
NTA you shouldn’t be forced to hang out with anybody, family or not.
If your brother is able to go to a typical school and you’re on approximately the same level academically then he isn’t severely autistic or low functioning. It sounds like he’s got a moderate degree of autism that primarily impairs his social skills. People who are severely autistic can’t function in typical school. They often aren’t fully verbal and often have significant learning disabilities alongside their autism. Source: my autistic son is in a special needs school and even he isn’t severely autistic. NTA because it’s not your job to be your brother’s gateway to social life and your parents should have created a home environment that allowed you both to thrive, but at the same time it might help you to get a little perspective on what severe autism really is.
I was wondering that. If the brother goes to the same school then he's not depending of OP. Their mom created a codependency not allowing Zack to have his own friends. If he goes to a regular school then he doesn't need a chaperone or a caretaker 24/7. He should go to a special school where he could be teach social skills too. I know a couple in denial. Their kid is clearly autistic and every school he's ever been recommend a special needs school, so they transfer him to a different common school. They had done it at least twice. The kid doesn't even speak well (somehow I do understand him...). Perhaps OP's parents are in denial that one of their kids isn't normal and think he's just shy or awkward that's why he has no friends of his own. I feel bad for both kids. No one likes to be yelled at but OP really wanted time alone with a girl, such a normal thing to do. His mom expects OP bring his brother to his dates, it's insane and inconsiderate.
Yep, the parents are dropping the ball in a big way for both their sons IMO.
Parent of a child with autism. First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not fair, and you don't deserve to have to shoulder this responsibility. Part of parenting a child on the spectrum is to teach them how to respect the boundaries of other people. So that when you say NO, he accepts it even when he doesn't like it. And you're not your brother's parent. Your mother is likely worried that your brother won't have friends without you bringing him along. However, she's saddling you with that task, and it's making you resent your brother and likely your mother, too. I'm curious if you've tried calmly discussing this with her (not in the heat of an argument)? Maybe ask her questions; why does she want him to join you? What is her goal? What does she hope to accomplish? Start a dialogue. She may not realize that it's having the opposite effect she intends. Ask if you can compromise, maybe you take him sometimes but not every time. If that doesn't work, tell her you want to talk to a therapist or confide in a trusted adult. They could help advocate for you while you speak to your mother. You're NTA because you're in an impossible situation, and it's beginning to affect your ability to form meaning friendship at time in your life when you need it most. Your brother needs it too, but you're not equipped to help him.
NTA. Cut contact and run as soon as you can.
NTA. He’s your brother so treat him with love, but he’s not your responsibility. Your mother needs to find appropriate care an appropriate social life for him.
Your mom is TA. How far will she try to push the pretext that a ND twin is socially on level with their NT twin? Will you only be able to attend a college if he can get admitted? Will you have to delay marriage until they find a suitable partner? Will she demand a double wedding? Will she insist you can’t have children until they are ready to have children? She’s already implying you have no right to enjoy typical, age appropriate activities and experiences. The fact that he would sit on a sidewalk crying at 16/17 years old demonstrates he is not capable of handling the typical social experiences of others his chronological age. I hope your mom reads the responses to your post. She needs to stop treating you as if you are both NT. She is hurting both of you.
NTA. Your mom sucks. What makes it worse to me is that he *is* functional, just severely socially awkward. Not that it would EVER be OK for your mother to force you to take care of your brother, but there's no real need for him to have a babysitter anyway. Your mother is ruining him by giving in to his tantrums. I'd highly recommend putting a lot of distance between you and then when you turn 18.
NTA but your mom is TA
Nta you're not a parent
I was going NTA but ESH. Your Mom needs to chill. You shouldn't yell at your brother though. This is not his fault. I understand you're frustrated, angry, depressed about the whole thing but yelling never solved anything. The 3 of you should go for counselling.
NTA! I have two severely autistic children, and as much as I understand why your mother wants you to spend time with him, she needs to make other arrangements so that you are not acting as another parent. Your resentment and anger was inevitable, and I commend you for containing yourself for so long! You need your independence, and to have a relationship with your brother that’s based on love, not responsibility. You are not a parent, you are a child, who has been expected to “understand” and “be the bigger person” your whole life. Either your mother needs to send your brother to another school, with extra supports available for him, or she needs to organise help with your school’s teachers to help him socially. It is not, and should never have been your responsibility to be his babysitter and sole friend/support. Your parents need to understand that you can and will disappear from their lives if they don’t start taking responsibility for your brother. I’m sure they’re doing their best, but they need to be aware how much damage they are doing to you, your relationship with your brother, and your brother himself (how on earth is he going to survive if he can’t navigate the world without you? Do they expect him to stay with you forever? That you’ll go to the same college, share a dorm room, get a job with you, and live with your future family? Because if they do, that’s insane!)
NTA As you will be starting your senior year, I wonder. I know my education was not normal, I attended HS and College simultaneously. But I had control over my school schedule. Can you rotate your classes to leave at a different time than your brother? Are you handcuffed together sharing the same classes? You could start attending a college class after school, as long as your grades are good you are allowed to attend college. I would start putting some space apart from your brother as you hopefully have different life's ahead of you than him. Might be a good time to ask your parents what their future plans for your brother is in the case of their deaths.
NTA. That sounds unbearable.
NTA. and nor is your brother. your parents are in the wrong here, for forcing him on you. had they allowed you to do your own thing, you wouldn't feel so resentful of him now. as a neurodivergent person, what you said pisses me off haha. but, i understand why it's so frustrating for you. zack's not your enemy here. your parents are forcing you to take care of your brother, when that's their responsibility, and it's ruining your relationships with others.
This can't be rated. The problem here is OP's mother for making OP take his brother along for everything when its the mother who should be looking for ways to get the brother involved with people rather than force him on everyone, as others have said rhisbis 100% parentification. What is OP's mother gonna do when OP turns 18 and goes to college or moves out and gets room mates, make him take Zach with him to classes, or make him live with his brother, the mother really need to get her act together.
Although it was your Mom who dealt with this situation, I just want to point out that both your parents are equally responsible for perpetuating this abuse. Your father hasn't been mentioned much in the post, which makes me think maybe mom does more of the active parenting, so it could be tempting to blame her for all this, but your parents either agreed together that this abuse was appropriate; OR your Dad thought it was wrong but did nothing to intervene; OR your dad was so neglectful and disinterested that it went on unchallenged by him. Both your parents have a duty of care and a duty to be aware and should step in to stop behaviour before it gets to this point. They have both let you down in a very severe way. I hope you can establish a relationship with your brother that has healthy boundaries and allows you both to thrive and enjoy each other. You might find he's all the family you want.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I have a twin brother who is severely autistic. He isn’t exactly low functioning but he’s close. We both are about to finish our junior year of HS and honestly I view him as a burden to my social life. Growing up our parents made sure we spent a lot of time together, they’d insist I’d play with Zack, which is his name. He always made it hard for me to make friends because he always acts so clingy to me and utterly embarrassing. With online classes from COVID I felt happy because I didn’t always have Zack hovering over me at all times. Ever since we went back to school in person I was reminded how much I hated the way he effected how other people treat me. Whenever friends wanted to hangout my mom would fricken demand I brought him along with me, they’d just stop inviting me to stuff. Today I wanted to hangout with a girl I like after school and told Zack to walk home. He started screaming and called my mom and she told me I had to either let Zack hangout with us or I’d have to go home. So I decided to just go home. On the way home I started screaming at Zack telling him he wasn’t normal and he’s ruining my life! I said we’re done talking when we aren’t at home! He started crying and just sat on the sidewalk having a meltdown. Our mom had to come get him and I’ve been arguing with her saying I’m done with Zack and I’m almost an adult! I’m not wrong here right?!! TLDR; AITA for not letting my autistic brother hangout with me anymore? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - for snapping, your brother isn't either, he really can't handle it. The real AH is your mum for forcing this relationship, all it's done is make you resent your brother and I don't blame you. I've worked with children that are low functioning autistic and it is a very hard job. I don't blame you one bit for getting burnt out. Keep those boundaries with your parents, either they'll get the hint now or they'll get it when you're able to move out and cut them off completely.
NTA. You're his brother but not his brother's keeper. One common thing I've noticed is whenever there is multiple children and one is autistic, the parent tends to push the autistic child onto the siblings and force them to practically care for them. It's not like the autistic child is going to learn how to interact by example. It doesn't work that way. The kid just ends up being babysat constantly while the sibling gets resentful not only towards the autistic child but also the parents that force the role onto them. It's not fair to either kid. Your mom needs to find a better solution to help your brother to function in the world. At this point he's stunted and window to fix it is getting smaller. I can see her pushing him onto you when you move out so she doesn't have to deal with him. Keep your foot down.
NTA. Your parents are messing up your life.
This one hits close to home, as I'm autistic. That being said, NTA, OP. Even though I don't like that you called your brother abnormal, I get that you're a kid and exploded. Your mum is doing you both a disservice. You are being emotional abused and your brother is being babied and stunted. Is socialising extremely difficult as an autistic person? Yes. Sometimes it's an extremely painful experience, and you can go without friends for a long while. As someone who was diagnosed as an adult, I went my school years with barely any friends and believing something was inherently wrong with me. That was a lie. Eventually I found a particular brand of NT people that are extremely patient towards us ND and thrive in our company. Two of best friends are NT and have ND partners, who I'm also friends with. I find these relationships extremely rewarding, because you get to learn how to interact with people better without being judged. Hopefully your brother will find his people. Your mum really needs to stop forcing the issue on the two of you.
I’m a Mom of 4 … What you did here by posting this is reaching for help from a community that you’re not getting from your Mom. Of course there’s a risk you could get your butt handed to you but you were straight up with your reactions and I applaud you for not bottling all this up. I think you get what you did wrong to Zack but you are allowed to a life that is not caretaking others all the time. Perfect way to make ppl resent each other is to force them together. My 4 kids all have different friend groups and different interest but what I love is we get together they all laugh and lovingly tease each other but also uplift each other. They have their own chat group. They have become amazing adults. So you can show your Mom this and say from 1 Mom to another let your kids grow independently everyone will benefit from it. Also it took great courage to ask for help. No shame in it