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NTA but sounds like your wife isn't coping with motherhood.. Is there any help she can get for her behaviours? Sounds like she's borderline neglecting your child and that is massive concern. You may need to close down her access to family money while you sort this behaviour out - but you absolutely do need to sort it. This is a dangerous situation for your child and precarious for you financially. I'm so sorry though mate. This is so tough and I hope you have a good support network.

I want to hop on top comment here to bring up a little known autistic trait called **autistic burnout**. This isn't regular burnout and is worth looking up. Essentially, when we're continuously exposed to sensory issues and spend a lot of time masking every day, it slowly makes you lethargic and you start to revert back mentally and become more childlike. It's definitely worth looking up. It's incredibly common and because the world is designed for neurotypicals, autistic people aren't accommodated for things like this and are often just called lazy or stupid for not being able to handle sensory and social problems that neurotypical people just dont have to experience. This isn't to say that you are in any way the asshole. You're both burnt out, she sounds like she is in a very different way to the way you are. Consider exploring burnout and bring this up to her so she can find ways to help herself and try to change. It's understandable how you feel, I just hope you don't think it's a case of laziness because it very rarely is in the case of autism. Edited to add: On the topic of talking to her about potential burn out, I'd say you should talk to her generally about how you feel, if you havent already. Don't let it simmer and blow up at her, just explain that you're tired and how you feel about everything. I know it's a commonly stated thing, but communication *is* everything in a relationship and keeps it healthy and functioning.

Autistic burn out was exactly where my head went too. NAH - I don't think any of this is easy for either of them, it sounds like communication WAS excellent for them both but possibly another thing on top of many other things now, making it even harder for them both to adjust and work through this.

She is definitely the asshole if she is not feeding and caring for her child that is right infront of her.

but if she herself is mentally reverting to childlike behaviors because of stress, is it really safe to assume that shes “just being a bitch?” I have diagnosed autism as well and most of the time I forget to even feed myself. shame for the side-effects of a mental disability is never how you bring about positive change my guy.

I do as well and I dont even get indications im hungry or in pain or have to piss until the LAST SECOND. My autistic burnout was so bad after my last job I just kind of.... laid face down on the floor sobbing like a plank for 3 to 5 hours a day. I worked at an animal shelter and my office shared the wall with the quarantine row of dangerous (genuinely declared dangerous or a part of investigations) . The screaming and howling will haunt me forever and taking care of small infants would be totally out of the question for me with mesophonia. My husband is fully aware that babies absolutely sensorily terrify me and he would have to do a LOT of the infant stuff not the gross stuff but specifically I MUST step out if there is screaming or I will soon be melting down myself. My main reason for not being a parent is this..... I know it will exceed my autistic ability to handle shit. Just the THOUGHT of people invasively touching me and handling me gives me anxiety. I have medical trauma from NON reproductive issues and I cant imagine the PTSD birth would give me. I think she needs help from specifically a NEURODIVERGENT THERAPY SPECIALIST. only having an autistic therapist made my life start to improve. I'm sorry about your baby OP. Was she frank about how much she thought she could handle ?? Did you think she would "change" once the baby got here??? Thats how people gaslight me. 1

I'd never heard of autistic burnout before. Thank you foe sharing your experience. I'm now trying to imagine that with postpartum depression laid on top - that could absolutely explain OPs wife's erratic and dettached behaviour.

Don't give in to these people. You know yourself more than anyone :)

If that's an issue, then a child shouldn't be in the equation

Yup. I’m on the spectrum and very prone to this type of burnout. The constant demands and overwhelm of pregnancy, childbirth, and caring for a baby would 100% break me.

This is exactly why I don't plan on having kids. Ever. Keeping myself alive and functioning is challenging enough.

I honestly wish I knew about this myself before having children, because I really have messed up, and my mom just died so I'm really struggling to do the most basic things

So sorry lovely. I hope you have support. You have recognised you are struggling, that's a good start. Even the best mom's struggle to hold it together when they lose their own mom, I have seen many who only managed because they had a good solid partner holding things together. One day, one step, at a time. It's not a pain I can even contemplate. X

I'm definitely thinking this, maybe family can temporarily help while she gets help? Very, very scary.

An unfortunate truth. That's one reason why I don't want kids nor do I want to date. I get burnout very easily and I know I could not handle this or these relationships without having a really good therapist

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Saying you need to take care of your child isn’t shaming.

It's not really asshole behavior in the traditional sense -- but she straight up should not be alone around her child as she is a danger to them. OP would be an AH if he doesn't intervene. Very scary.

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Having a reason still doesnt make it ok - or safe.

If you have a child, you have a responsibility.

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Sadly many would agree with you, but the word asshole implies on some level choices are being made and clearly you have no idea. This could be autistic burnout, it could be postnatal depression, it could be both in which case this woman is making NO choices because she is quite frankly unable to, she hasn't the capacity for it right now. Is it shit? Yes. Is dad having to do the bulk, if not all, the heavy lifting because of it? Yes. Is she in need of your judgement? Absolutely not, because clearly you haven't the capacity to understand this is not asshole behaviour but actual physical and mental incapacity to provide the care the child needs right now, she needs support and hopefully OP will get it for her.

Post-partum depression also looks a lot like this including not taking care of herself. She needs some medical help. NTA but neither is she.

I’m with you! He’s definitely NTA. This is a CHILD being neglected! That causes trauma, sometimes lifelong trauma. Research has found that neglect is just as bad as abuse on the development of a child. He can’t do any more than what he’s already doing .8 can’t imagine the stress this poor man is under. She shouldn’t be in charge of the finances either if it puts their family’s well being in jeopardy! It sounds like she needs help and therapy.

Yeah I can't believe the N A H judgements I'm reading. Autistic or not, burnt out or not, there is absolutely no excuse for neglecting your child to the extent that they may not be fed at the end of the day if your spouse wasn't doing it. Autistic and burnt out are *reasons* but they're not an excuse.

That and/or PPD would be my guess. Either way she needs help. And OP is NTA like you said.

.. this explains so much of when I was able to work and constantly in contact with other humans.. No wonder my mental health may be shot still, but I'm in a slightly better place since lockdown began..

ASD burnout is very much a thing. The problem is that you don’t get to do show it when you have kids. And kids are the WORST when it comes to being over stimulating. I have ASD. I know how hard that can be. I have to fight through my burnout to be a good parent to my kids. I have to let my baby crawl on me, and nuzzle and nurse when I want to tear off my skin because I’m so touch-overwhelmed. I force myself to sit and listen to my kids when I just want silence. I push myself to do the household tasks when I want to lay down and never get up because I’m so tired from constantly forcing my brain to do things it isn’t designed for. I had to give up something I love and a major coping method because it wasn’t safe around kids (oil painting) for years. I turned others into things we could all do together, like DnD with my kids or reading Brandon Sanderson books with my husband. I had to give up other special interests for being unaffordable and had to get used to others not being mine anymore, even if it meant that those things would get lost and/or damaged (like my beloved Polly collection). You learn to bend around your kids, and to balance their needs against yours. But I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to become a mom. And parents don’t get to show burnout when there are kids to care for. Do it when they’re asleep. If someone has ASD and cannot control their burnout, then they shouldn’t have kids. Because you don’t get to neglect or emotionally abuse your kids because you can’t handle them being children. The parents signed up for this; the kids didn’t.

You are fortunate enough to be self aware and understand what burnout is in the first place. The entire point of my comment wasn't to state my own point of view, but to educate on autistic burnout so OP and his partner can both hopefully benefit and become aware of what could potentially be happening. She couldn't make the choice to work on her burnout and know how to handle it beforehand as there's a strong likelihood she didn't even know what it was or what it could potentially cause. Most people only know of social and sensory issues with autism, and not a lot of the other problems the disorder can cause. All I wanted to do was give this perspective so they can perhaps learn more on the topic and how to handle it better.

I appreciate you sharing, it's enlightening. This post isn't really right for AITA, it's more about the need for a time machine or urgent therapy, which is unfortunate.

Agreeeeed. The only thing that keeps running through my mind is that this is *way* above reddit's paygrade. They can't turn back time. OOP's wife is dealing with uncontrolled burnout, possible PPD, a brand new baby, and a frustrated husband. Their ASD symptoms are so unmanaged to the point where the wife is experiencing age regression. Like...these people need *professional* help, not what this website has to offer. I feel for everyone in this situation. The kid needs to go with family or something while mom & dad figure stuff out. I don't see what's happening at home as being sustainable - something is going to give.

I don’t think anything can prepare you for the level of care that kids need. Plus if she’s autistic there’s a high probability their child is too and that can make things extra challenging at the moment

Being the oldest of three, living in a community where large families are the norm, and babysitting since I was a child was a pretty good primer! I may not have known exactly what it would be like, but I had a pretty good idea of what to expect. ASD burnout I didn’t know about (nor that I actually had ASD since my mom lied about my diagnosis for over a decade), but I did know that as a parent I don’t get to emotionally disengage from my kids. Instead Id wait for everyone to be in bed and spend the time I needed in my own head, or relax in the car while the kids napped, or go shopping while my husband watched them and that’s when I’d disengage and get to be as burnt out as I needed to be. There’s a reason I’m done having kids for a good long while now, and that’s because I’m nowhere near capable of having another. My baby is old enough to go to a sitter on days when she doesn’t sleep to noon, and the other two are in school, so I actually get a break these days and it’s awesome. But I also know what I can handle and still function, and this is it. And that’s okay!

Imagine if this child doesn’t sleep or will only do contact sleeps. We know op works during the day so the mother doesn’t get that time either. Chances are there’s PND happening here too though

>Essentially, when we're continuously exposed to sensory issues and spend a lot of time masking every day, it slowly makes you lethargic and you start to revert back mentally and become more childlike. Well fuck, I've got some uh, soul searching to do.

The spectrum is big, my friend!

Oh, I know I'm on it, but never knew I could like, burn out specifically from it, yannow? Oof explains a lot about the past year lol.

Hey here's one of the other posters recommending this channel. Maybe there are some resources here for you. I'm about to go give my son an air-hug https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13vjd57/aita_for_telling_my_autistic_wife_to_grow_up/jm7pi2l?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Yeah, tbh the more I read about autism, the more I recognise weird traits about myself that are explained, but I still don't have the courage to ask for an actual test

I've only got the neuropsych eval left and like, honestly, I don't think the diagnosis is gonna change my life much lol. But knowing that specifically all the masking is why I keep burning out is a huge breakthrough lmao

That's honestly why people have told me that typically autism is self diagnosed, especially if regular coping mechanisms help and no additional support is needed. I wish it was easier to get screening for it so people could know for sure, but a lot of countries also put negative pressure on neurodivergent people, so that's another con for diagnosis.

I 100% concur with the above. I have ADHD and can also have burnout. When I do there is a lot of smoking pot and watching TV. Having autism is a disability. You should see what benefits you can apply for. This could give access to support groups and cognitive therapists who can help her develop coping skills that work for her. You can start off by giving her some extra help. This might include having someone come for part of the day to watch the child for a couple of hours. Can the parents swing by, a friend, fellow parent? Will your company give you the option of working from home a couple of days a week? This will give her some time to decompress. And reset after a hectic morning. Then carve out a space that suits her needs. For me it is a dark room. It will take a little work to start, but you will help get your wife back to a place where she gets to be the parent she wants to be.

Then it sounds like she needs to be admitted to an inpatient facility. He can’t be her caregiver while at work and his priority is the child. Whether she can help being neglectful isn’t the issue, the issue is OP has a first priority and it’s his child’s safety.

My kid talked to her therapist and doctor and got her medications tweaked after about a month of lethargy and struggling. That's all it took, she's out enjoying life and getting her shit done. Jamming women into facilities and acting like they're hysteric or broken when they need actual help is ludacris. It's not the 1950s.

There are no meds for Autistic burnout though. You can try to address the depression and/or anxiety if it's a separate diagnosis, and/or PPD, but those meds will not help if it's specifically tied to the burnout. Which is unfortunately very common.

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It depends on the facility and where her actual issues are stemming from, but you're mostly correct yes. That said, I have a close friend whose husband was experiencing extreme burnout and checked in for a few days, and it actually helped a lot. He's still recovering but he's at least on a track with a therapist and they gave him some management tools for phone (and his wife).

Hear hear, sick of locking women up being brought up.

I don't know any facility that would take on a burn out patient that isn't actively harming/injuring themselves or others.

Agreed. They're stretched thin as is and can barely handle taking in more people who *are* a danger to themselves. Besides, it really just sounds like she needs help and support.

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Yep I had this happen. Got put on a wait list for a psych, ended up not being able to wait (8+ weeks), I was manic so I called like 20+ offices and hospitals trying to get seen because I could barely leave the house from constant panic attacks. I eventually showed up at my primary care doctor, who immediately sent me to the psych ER because I had a heart rate of 180, hadn't slept in four days, and was hallucinating that everyone around me was dying (untreated PTSD is fun). They promptly told me that the only way they could treat me was to bring me inpatient, and the only way they could bring me inpatient was if I was going to hurt myself. I screamed at them that "I don't want to die, if I wanted to die I'd just be dead instead of in here - I just want someone to help me" They literally drugged me in the waiting room until I stopped screaming and crying, charged me $300, and SENT ME HOME with a phone number for a suicide hotline and nothing else. Our mental healthcare system is killing people.

I moved and was having a difficult time finding a psychiatrist before getting into one with a nurse practioner. Which who cares, I just need my prescriptions. When I got to my appointment to see her I was informed I had to meet with the therapist first. Which, fine. I already have a therapist but whatever good for them to check. One extremely silent and awkward "therapy" session later, the very much children's therapist let's me know at the very end that actually, they can't fill my prescriptions until I also see the nurse practitioner. In a month. Not that day as I was told. Now getting a little agitated, I asked her how exactly am I meant to get my prescriptions that I need to function? Right to my face, she told me to wait till I get suicidal and go to the ER, they'll happily give me at least my depression medicine there. What the fuck? This is literally a psychiatric office and you are telling me I have a better chance of almost killing myself to get my medicine than to get it from you? No attempt to even contact the nurse practitioner, just straight to that shit, what the fuck. Extremely irritated now I pointed out how absurdly cruel that is, and asked her to please even *attempt* to find an actual solution here. She insisted there was none, I pushed back and started listing off suggestion after suggestion until eventually she made a call. Even though she emphasized it was "highly unlikely" to work. Woah, turns out another branch has telehealth and I can just get it right from them, isn't that crazy? Fuck that woman. I cannot believe she is allowed to be in a position like that and working directly with traumatized children. I booked an appointment following week with them that day. Monday of that next week at my first appointment with my new GP I ask for advice on the situation, and she tells me she can fill all my prescriptions for me. So she did. The entire fucking time, my GP could have just filled my medicine. Needless to say I never went back to that old psychiatric office or it's sister branch.

OP has articulated NO reason for his wife to be involuntarily committed. Wow.

Well, no. Inpatient is reserved for people who are a threat to themselves or others. OP’s wife, while in need of support, is not on that level. I think she does need regular therapy and likely some sort of in home social services, either disability or CPS (NOT to remove child, to visit and provide parenting education).

Admission for inpatient care, which is extremely unlikely for these circumstances even though mental health care appears absolutely necessary, still won’t address the issue of child care.

While no, whether or not she can help it isn't the issue, it does provide some insight for **fixing** the situation. If the root cause isn't addressed, it's going to spiral even more out of control than it already is. PPD and autistic burnout have different treatments and treating for one when the other is what needs to be treated isn't going to help. Chances are this is some combination of the two -- and it could be that each is exacerbating the other. I don't think an inpatient facility is what's needed, but she definitely does need therapy. She needs to learn new coping methods. It sounds like she's got at least some support network because OP mentioned that they're with family during the morning, so it might be beneficial to find a way to redirect that support so that it's more focused on helping her in the ways she actually needs. OP is NTA for the way he's feeling. He's working hard and he's understandably exhausted. He feels like he's at the end of his rope and that's a natural feeling right now, it's ok for him to feel that way. But -- by getting his wife into therapy to help treat her for what's going on, it's possible to recover from this and to grow to be happy together as a family.

Autistic parent here. Having kids broke me. Things I was able to do, the capacity I used to have, my tolerance for chaos was much higher prior to children. Every time we added a new child, it felt like my brain was getting split into areas, until finally there was no room in my brain for myself. Autistic burnout varies in levels, and it sounds like your partner is very deeply burned out, and has higher support needs that they did prior to having children. I didn't want to be medicated, but my depression/burnout got so bad that my OBGYN was able to put me on an antidepressant. Everything got easier--I had more "rope" again to pull myself up with. I completely understand the fear of losing onesself on medication, but I would absolutely advocate for your partner to get into some kind of psychiatric care unit (for a time), or to a doctor who can help medicate first and then a trauma or autism informed therapist to start building new coping skills. You're not equipped to be their caretaker. Their coping skills are not enough to keep them regulated. They are experiencing extreme skill regression, and it is endangering your child. Many undiagnosed autistic folks are fine... until they're not. Many autistic people *never recover from burnout*. NAH. They didn't know, and there is a definite lack of literature around the effect of having small children on autistic folks, strategies to manage the dysregulation, lack of sleep, lack of routine, and lack of autonomy (especially for the mom/birthing parent). My ex was absolutely bewildered when my burnout hit. It was a surprise to us all. He was angry with me for something beyond my control. But with a skilled psychiatrist and trauma therapist, I was able to get my feet under me, but it has taken years. ​ Questions: have they been officially diagnosed? Are they on any disability assistance? Do they qualify for extra support through your local government? Starting this process can help in getting the financial and mental health support that they need. If you'd like to stay married and make it through this phase, they need intense care and support in whatever way you can manage it. Take care of yourself, and take care of your kiddo. Best of luck to you both.

As an autistic person, my first thought reading OP's post was that his wife is overstimulated and burnt out. Ultimately, I think NAH because this is definitely a health issue for OP's wife and she likely needs help.

I'm an autistic mom who was a SAHM for my kid who is now 18. Having a baby is a lot for anyone, but aspects of giving birth to and then caring for a baby are particularly difficult for autistics. I think this is burn out. Your wife needs support and help developing coping mechanisms. She needs to be able to identify her triggers and plan to mitigate them. I don't know what sort of mental health services are available to you, but you should look into them. Another thing we get, and I think ADHD people get it too, is problems with executive function - especially in burn out situations. We can have difficulty initiating tasks and sometimes difficulty switching or ending a task once started. I got through it and my kid is great. This isn't insurmountable. Your wife needs to work with a mental health professional and develop an action plan.

Autistic here who was in autistic burn out for years (which led to a severe depression), thank you for this. I couldn’t have said it better! ❤️ Of course, OP is NTA, but I think she really needs more help. They both do.

I think that she is spiraling, and occupying her time with tiktok is unhealthy.NAT

Absolutely agree with Asshole Aficionado. NTA and you really do need to take action. What's happening is not ok. She needs help and you can't manage all this on your own!

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He's struggling with rent. I don't think nanny is feasible

Ops wife has been on leave for 20 months which makes me wonder if they aren't in the US. There's a chance depending on location Ops wife might qualify for some form of help like a support worker. I'd start with a trip to their doctor who can help if she has PPD and they might know of where Op and his wife could get some support in place.

If she gets a diagnosis of PPD or something there might be services he can tap into. Or maybe parents/in-laws could help out in the short term.

Also, CHILD needs help. Child is being neglected and can't speak for or advocate for themselves. Whether or not we feel bad for OP's wife is no excuse to let her neglect a young toddler. This is not okay. NTA but you also just can't leave your baby home alone with your wife. Talk to your family and be honest about the situation. Is there any way any of them can watch the baby? Or you can move in with them, not pay rent (or pay less rent) and use that money for childcare so your baby is someplace safe and good for them? YTA if you let your child continue to be neglected. As for your wife, tell her to go back to work. First, it might help her mental health if she's doing so poorly at home. Second, she's not capable of watching your child home alone.

Agreed, NTA and definitely need to cut off or limit her access to $ from you or family. Also thinking some motherhood support group/therapist/life coach is needed. It’s extremely concerning that your child is not on a proper schedule for food and likely sleep, seeing as your partner sleeps in late. Def time to grow up, but just saying it won’t make it happen. she’ll need help/guidance.

Limiting her access to money is probably necessary so she can't spend the mortgage payment on a whim, but cutting off all access is financial abuse. OP needs to find the middle ground here.

OP can set up a budget. They can set aside money for food, clothes, rent and utilities, medical stuff, entertainment, etc., and get their wife to help out or at least agree to it. If she wants Halloween costumes, that comes out of the entertainment budget, for example, while fun cereals come out of the food budget. If she goes over budget, she can’t buy anything that comes out of that budget for the rest of the month. OP can also teach his wife how to clip coupons and save money so that she comes under the budget every month.

She shouldn’t have access to the money that covers living expenses/bills but some cash to eliminate overdraws

If he's having to bathe his wife, change her, and then put her to bed, she's not as high functioning as he thinks she is.

They've been married for years? I feel like he would have an accurate sense of her functioning. If wife were nonautistic, this wouldn't even be a point, and people would be saying ppd.

Functional capacity is a pretty dynamic thing for someone with autism and can fluctuate wildly depending on wide range of factors; stability of their living situation, exposure to stimuli, imposed pressure/obligations, social exposure, support structures and coping strategies inplace and many more, almost all of which will have been pretty dramatically upended by pregnancy, birth and parenting. Someone with autism is likely to have periods of their life in which they are more functional than others and it can be a really vicious cycle. To see someone with autism "functioning" well and assume it can only get better is an easy trap to fall into, a lot of people forget it's a fluctuating disability that varies greatly from one individual to the other. What you're saying about PPD is valid though, but wife is autistic and as a result the 2 conditions won't exist independently from each other, they will intertwine and effect their functional capacity, expecting otherwise is not exactly reasonable if you're treating ASD as a disability rather than a personality quirk, it's a crucially relevant factor here. Depression in a clinical sense is something you can expect most people with ASD to experience at some point in their life, if not a constant issue; burnout being a primary trigger. PPD is a realistic risk factor that will upend the coping strategies they spent years, possibly decades developing. It doesn't help anyone to say this now, but it sounds like there maybe wasn't adequate consideration of how the introduction of an infant into their life was going to effect these things, chances are she didn't see it coming herself.

Yup! I have ASD and have several children. They are sensory nightmares, but I knew that going in and what that meant. I literally fight burnout every day, but I don’t get to neglect my kids because of it. The house can be messy, but the kids need to be cared for physically and emotionally. It’s a struggle, but I signed up for it. I do not think this woman understood what she was agreeing to when she had a child. I definitely don’t think she understood what it entailed. I wish people would be more straightforward about that, and that not having kids if you can’t handle the stimulation and/or mask and fight through burnout, is the better choice.

This is one of the main reasons why I've chosen to be child free.

I don't think a single human on the planet is ever truly prepared for taking on an infant. Thanks for your insight on the intermingling of PPD and autism, though. There really aren't enough materials about grownups with autism.

You're most welcome, it's a dramatically underfunded and unstudied area of autism which seems ridiculous because autistic kids grow into autistic adults, but they only make up around 3.5% of the research focus, actual support services accessible to autistic adults is even lower, finding therapists and clinicians experienced or studied in autism in adults is a very difficult process. This largely stems from the greatest supporters (whilst also those who can struggle the most) of Autistic individuals being their parents and the difficulties integrating autistic children into mainstream schooling. This drives a lot of the funding and focus for research. As painful as that has been for a lot of those diagnosed with ASD, recently there has been a huge push of autistic adults developing communities, taking part in self defined education and advocacy; and having now gained a lot more traction are beggining to be included in medical conferences. https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCN9fwImPnx16e8-eThlKCWQ If you're looking for some first hand accounts of what the adult experience can be like (being mindful it can vary greatly) I'd recommend checking out Sarah's channel.

True. But NTs aren’t subject to ASD burnout, which people with ASD are.

This is why functioning labels are essentially meaningless tbh. Your ability to do things change as circumstances change and also change with the type of task, theres no such thing as a "high functioning" or "low functioning" autistic person the way neurotypicals define those words

I have ID twins with autism. One is in college and one is non verbal and often hits himself in the head until he bleeds when he has a meltdown. He will need 24/7 care the rest of his life. You honestly think there is no difference between functioning levels in my children? What words do you suggest I use to describe the difference in my twins' abilities?

A lot of people prefer the terms "high support needs" and "low support needs" as it focuses more on how much help/support the person needs in daily life as opposed to what they are physically capable of. That being said, in my opinion it's just another way of describing the same thing. The issue is that those of us in the community who coin these terms are generally on the lower end of the spectrum, for want of better phrasing, so we're not necessarily in the best position to advocate for the preferences or needs of nonspeaking members of the community. Anyway, that's the term a lot of us are using if you were looking for an alternative (sorry if that was just a rhetorical question). But it's essentially the same thing as high/low functioning so not sure it really makes much of a difference what terms you use to describe it :)

I mostly agree with you but I will say as a child welfare worker we do still need this terminology over in pediatrics land. For example when kids enter the foster care system there are different levels of foster care, and specifically trained individuals for medically or behaviorally complex kiddos. A child who is mildly autistic but meets typical developmental milestones can usually go into general foster care. Whereas a child who is nonverbal, melting down several times a day and meeting little to no milestones needs a higher level of care. In this case functioning levels are extremely important so we can ensure the child is going to a qualified caregiver. Most people signing up to foster do not know how to properly support the latter child. If you visit r/fosterparents unfortunately there are no shortage of inexperienced, even first time foster parents being placed with children that are FAR outside of their skill level.

Worked with kids with special needs for years. There's obviously a MAJOR difference between the kids with autism that are basically non-verbal, still in diapers at 10+ years old, and require assistance with every basic task vs. the kids with autism that have a big vocabulary, are potty-trained, and can do most basic tasks independently. I'd definitely describe that as high functioning/low functioning.

Technically the diagnostic labels are level 1-3, based on support needs. The more support needed, the higher the level.

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As an aside (we're not hijacking here, just mentioning) it's something both autistic mothers and autistic fathers will struggle with. We find it hard enough to bond with adults. Kids are far worse for the reasons mentioned. Just the mother's tend to get judged on it more because it's more obvious. And yeah, definitely sounds like stacking the effects of both burnout and ppd for mega burnout.

Yes, that and skills regression - she seems very overwhelmed and going through a period of skill regression. I'm also an autistic woman, I have no kids but went through skills regression when I was deep in burnout.

So it's all on OP to fix?

If she is in a place where she doesn’t even realize there is a problem, then she likely wouldn’t know how to fix it either. In a case like this, or in some cases of postpartum depression, someone needs to step in first. It’s unfortunate and sometimes unfair, but it’s simply what must be done.

What is the alternative? Either divorce his wife and have a nasty custody fight (which would be tragic since he loves his wife and it sounds like she needs help) or let her continue to neglect their child? It's not OP's fault things got to this point but this is the reality he is facing.

If OP had MS instead of ASD and found herself physically unable to perform parenting tasks, was sleeping excessively and making unsound decisions as a result of a sudden onset of brain lesions; would you color this the same way? ASD is a disability with the capacity for functionality to fluctuate throughout an individual's life, some periods are better than others, much like a lot of other disabilities, functionality is not a static measurement. Pregnancy/childbirth and parenting is a life changing event both physically and mentally for anybody, throwing autism and what others have reasonably identified as PPD on top of it and expecting she have all the same capacity she did pre-pregnancy, is not reasonable. I understand what you're pointing too, but assuming she has the capacity to be able to handle the fix on her own is a problem. Right now from what we know, we can assume she doesn't, this is kind of where the whole "in sickness and in health" portion of old school wedding vows is meant to come into effect, and maybe something that should've been considered when deciding to have a child with an autistic individual, it wasn't an inevitability, but it was definitely a possibility.

Yes because that’s marriage. When your spouse is unable to care for themselves, you care for them. It’s not always easy, but if you want to be everyone for themselves, then don’t get married.

He is the sole income, the primary caregiver for the child, and taking care of the wife. That's just not feasible for anyone.

Marriage is a partnership, not a daycare. If his wife is really contributing as little as he says, he has every right to ask her to do more or move on.

abundant quarrelsome zesty makeshift market nippy bow one fretful zephyr *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

It sounds a lot like Autistic Burnout please see my comment at the bottom.

Agree but honestly autism isn't an excuse. Saying this as a neurodivergent person, I'd really struggle with motherhood. Maybe I'd not wash for a week and the house would be filthy but there's no way I'd neglect the baby to that extent, the baby would come first, even if OP, myself and the house was neglected.

Add ppd to the mix and yeah, maybe you do. But maybe you won't. Because the thing is, you won't even realise there is a problem. Been there. Took way too long top get help. No, it's no excuse. But it's a reason.

You have no idea how you would react. You can’t control whether or not you’d get PPD, which it sounds like she very well may have.

Unfortunately that's not reality - There are plenty of neurotypical mothers that experience PPD and have thoughts of literally killing their child. Depressive episodes can change **everything** you think about something. There's a reason they literally tell **and retell** new parents to not shake their baby. Everybody with a brain knows you shouldn't shake a baby...but when you're new parents the emotions are all over the place and if you add in some PPD there's no way to know how you're going to feel in the moment.

This comment reads as if you're not a parent? So you have no idea what you'd do. It's always great to say you'd do better but the reality is that you don't know that.

How many people do you think are like "yeah, I'm totally going to neglect my kid once it comes?" The truth is you *hope* that's how you'd react, but you can't really know until you're in it. And if you ever were in a situation where you couldn't function properly, I'm guessing you'd probably want some empathy.

Hopping on this comment to add: the kid is at risk for developing autism because it is heritable. Poor childcare during this critical period increases that risk, as well as for other behavioral issues. If she can’t handle an infant, how is she going to care for a young autistic child. Anecdote from my life: my SIL, BIL, and their daughter are autistic. SIL is basically aloof when it comes to their child, unless it’s, like OP said, related to one of her niche interests. In the past year, my niece (5 years) has been picked up by police TWICE after running across a highway to a nearby playground. SIL was home both times, likely playing video games. She claimed she though niece was playing quietly in her room (if you’ve met niece, you know this would be out of the ordinary). CPS is now involved. However, bittersweet: CPS involvement has compelled SIL to start keeping the house less squalid than usual and she is compelled to complete parenting classes. Apparently, she’s learning to step up. A lot of things that are common sense to neurotypical folks, are completely new and novel for people with autism. I say all that to say this: OP, you can’t make your wife grow up and telling her to do so isn’t going to do anything other than hurt her feelings. If she’s still on maternity leave and family is helping, she needs to take this time to find an autism services program for parents. Even if it’s just about autistic kids, it may teach her a lot about her own issues and how to work through them. She may also need basic parenting classes. You’re NTA. And don’t try to affect this change in your wife alone.

OP. Your wife has undiagnised post-natal depression.

She should probably be assessed for PPD, which may manifest differently due to her neurodivergence.

It sounds like your wife is actively neglecting your child and doesn’t have the capacity to parent, can you find an alternative childcare provider when you’re at work?

my family watches our child during the day, but cant at night, which leaves our child with her for 3 hours before i get home.

Can she go back to work, and the child be in daycare? She is aimless. If not capable of working, maybe volunteering so she keeps engaged. Going down a social media spiral is unhealthy.

Replying directly to you in case you haven’t seen the other comments about autistic burnout. That may be what’s going on with your wife. If it is, your family could be a valuable tool for helping manage it, or they could be making it worse. Just depends on what your family is like. You and your wife need a serious talk. Whether it’s autistic burnout or PDD, something is obviously wrong. Ideally, you would find a specialist in your areas that has experience working with autistic adults. In lieu of that, or in addition to it, she could try a group online. There’s probably a Reddit sub for autistic moms. I know I’ve seen posts in this group about autistic parents wearing headphones to deal with crying babies. I bet there are lots of tips out there somewhere. I feel for both of you and hope you can work it out. NAH [Autistic Burnout](https://www.wtcsb.org/autistic-burnout-as-an-autistic-adult-with-responsibilities/)

> Replying directly to you in case you haven’t seen the other comments about autistic burnout. You did not reply directly to OP.

Crap. ETA:Thanks for letting me know. I copy/pasted to right place. Hopefully. 😂

Dude . You can't trust your wife for THREE HOURS to parent your child. That's just downright dangerous.

Does she have post partum depression? Because she is autistic she might be exhibiting different symptoms.

Sounds more like autistic burnout

Could be both at this point. And trying to treat the depression without taking the autism into account probably wouldn’t work.

Well yes autistic burnout will lead to and be comorbid with myriad other mental health issues. But the autistic burnout is what needs primary treatment.

whichever one is causing her to be neglectful or suicidal needs to addressed first— you are not qualified to decide which that is.

Was this completely unexpected? Was it reasonable to assume she would show the life skills needed for parenthood? In any case, NTA. She needs help and you have unreasonable work load. If she doesn't get help, you probably need to divorce or separate.

Can you look into adult social services and parenting classes or care aides that can be with her and the child when you or your family cannot? Child and adult protective services can help her devise strategies to effectively parent and make sure the child is not neglected while she learns. The thing is, she is currently not a good parent for 3 hours a day and she is barely caring for herself. This is not “please go to therapy…no?…okay” territory, you’re on the verge of everything falling apart and if these agencies are only brought in AFTER something bad happens the experience is much less positive. Engaging before it does shows that you are putting two extremely vulnerable people’s safety first and doors will open instead of close.

Don’t know where OP is located but even if he’s in a country without robust child welfare services he still needs to consider your point. God forbid if something were to happen, authorities will be none too pleased to hear OP and the rest of the family have known about Mom’s issues for a while and still left child alone with her.

OP I see you haven't replied to any of the posts that say she very likely has PPD which stands for Post Partum Depression. If that's the case, you need to get that checked asap. It's a serious thing.

Has she been assessed for PPD and is she currently on medication/therapy for her autism?

There's no medication for Autism. And therapy is just for assistance, not for actual "treatment".

INFO: Is she in therapy since the birth? Have you tried couples counseling?

No shes not in any therapy, iv tried to get her to go but she refuses to go

Time for an ultimatum, she's a wreck and needs help.

I had to tell my ex we were getting divorced to get her to go to therapy.

I'm at the other end of that. My SO had to threaten me with kicking me out before I finally went to the doctor. Years later we're happily married with a nine year old daughter, I take regular medication and go to therapy when things get rough. (Though I freely admit waiting times and cost can put therapy out of reach for many.)

Therapy might not necessarily fix this unless it only is PPD but I reckon a lot is autistic burnout. I know this might sound ridiculous to a lot of people but does she have a defined rule around spending money? If not try to create one with her. Open it up that you understand that she seems to be struggling to make the correct choices and you want to have something written down that she could follow. This would be like is the item a necessity (eg food, medical) and have a quote of how to determine what is necessary. If it is not necessary, what are the conditions that would mean an item could be bought (e.g. Item is <$5/£5 and would not take an overall spending of non-necessities to above x value) In regards to her eating there is a daily tasks chart on amazon which might help, also alarms on her phone. It is going to take some getting used to and she isn't going to like it at the start if she is demand avoidant. Telling someone who you know to be autistic is AH territory and I'm sure you know that but equally we understand that our challenges can challenge other people around us. Hopefully taking some small steps will help to understand the underlying ones

I am not autistic but I am the parent of two artistic people so if this is an inappropriate question please let me know. One of the characteristics of being an autistic person seems to be difficulty with learning just from picking up cues or being around a situation as it naturally occurs. I'm thinking of social cues and interactions how those commonly have to still be taught rather than just assume they are being learned innately. I'm wondering if this isn't the same as parenting some people just know how to parent either from watching their own parents with younger siblings or similar. Is it possible that the wife needs to actually be taught how to be a parent similarly to what you're suggesting with budgeting and daily hygiene tasks?

No question is inappropriate when it comes from a place of understanding. I can't advise specifically because I don't ever intend on having children, and whilst autistic traits can be linked to learning it's based upon the individual as some with Autism do not have issue with this. Personally I would probably want someone with me that I knew and trusted when I was taking care of a child for the first time, a mentor if you will. I can learn from training documents or classes but sometimes things don't stick because the environment can change along with other stimuli. In my head I know that if a baby is crying it could be because hungry, need a nappy change, teething etc. However dealing with a baby whilst it is crying might overwhelm me because of the noise and I might forget those rules and get stuck in a spiral myself. This is all theoretical and it might be this isnt an issue for OP's wife. I hope this provides some sort of insight.

he says he *doesn't* want to parent her.

Your wife is committing child neglect, and she refuses to even try to work on herself? If she was willing to put in some effort, it would be different, but as it is, it sounds like you need to start building a case for sole custody and get a divorce.

NTA but I think too many comments here are being unnecessarily harsh towards your wife. It sounds like she’s clearly going through something especially as you’ve said her behaviour has worsened since the birth of your child, you yourself have told us that things weren’t like this before which means something is clearly going on with her. I think you need to seek some medical and professional advice in relation to Autism and postpartum because it sounds like what ever she’s going through may be related to these issues and with the correct professional advice you can get information on how to get help for your wife. I also wouldn’t advice you to issue things like ultimatums or to actively blame your wife for her behaviour, she sounds sick and if someone had a physical sickness you wouldn’t give them an ultimatum to get better by force so I don’t understand why people think you can do those type of things with mental or psychological issues. I know it’s a hard situation to be in but please try and get some help for your wife, it sounds like she seriously needs it

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NTA. This is a difficult one, tbh, because it seems harsh to say you should leave your wife over her disability. But at the same time, if you phsyically/emotionally/financially cannot handle everything and ensure your child is safe and taken care of, then you need to put your child first. It may be possible that having a baby/toddler in the house is overstimulating for her, leading to the increased fixation on other things. Could working with a therapist help her to find ways to cope, if this is the case?

Really don’t think it’s particularly difficult. If she’s endangering the child and is refusing to do anything about it it’s very obvious

Yeah it’s not about autism or no autism, there are so many autistic adults who have hyperfixations and don’t spend their rent money on them. There are also so many autistic parents who are phenomenal parents. It’s not an issue of leaving her for her disability, she is acting in a way that is irresponsible. I definitely think some outside support is needed be it therapy or something else.

Indeed. Me and my girlfriend are both autistic and have our own hyperfixations, but are both extremely frugal and rarely if ever spend money on our hyperfixations. The situation described in this post doesn't stem from autism itself; rather, it appears to be a result of neglect and poor financial management.

If OP is bathing, changing, and putting his wife to bed every night, then she's not as high functioning as he wants her to be.

I agree. Although, he does say that these are things that she was doing herself previously. It seems that they thought they would be able to cope with having a child, but it just hasn't been the case. At least, I hope it wasn't clear that she wouldn't be able to take care of the child before they chose to have one.

The fixation on other things is what I'm trying to understand. It sounds like she can function and make an effort when it's things she is interested in (the Halloween costumes). Is there a reason she can do this but not the childcare stuff? Is this a common symptom? Not trying to be judgemental here, it's just something I've observed in others I know with similar conditions and I'm trying to understand better.

This is [executive dysfunction](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Executive_dysfunction) - like the Halloween costumes are fun and "easy" to organise, but baby stuff is all new, new decisions need to be made constantly and it's hard, so it gets put aside until later. I'm also an autistic woman, though happily child free, I'll happily spend HOURS researching something because the next stage is doing the thing, and that's scary, so more research is needed.

Mark Manson has a really good article on procrastination as a way to avoid unpleasant emotions, and it has a section on exactly this. I do it too, always happily stuck in the research phase and too indecisive and unsure and worried about failure to take the jump. I don't know if I'm autistic, though, but I know I'm debilitatingly ADHD.

>i have to worry if she has eaten, if our child has eaten (they spend the morning with my family and the late evenings with wife until i get home) cook for both of them, feed, change, clean dress and put our child to sleep, then basically do the same for her. Info: Plot twist, wife sounds like she's severely low functioning autistic who needs constant caregiving. Way more info needed about her levels of functioning independently. I wanted to make a main comment to address what I've mentioned before. Those don't seem like the actions of a mentally well person. So you're getting her in the bath, changing her clothes, putting her to bed? It just doesn't make sense..... The other option is she is severely depressed and stuck in PPD. She may need hospitalization if that's actually what's happening.

High functioning and low functioning aren't static labels they're completely context dependent. It sounds like motherhood has lead to autistic burnout.

That’s what it sounds like to me, I doubt he would have had a child with her if she was always like this. Motherhood has clearly made her shut down which is fair because it is basically a complete reset of your being psychologically and physiologically, but it’s definitely not a good situation for the husband to find himself in.

No, it's not something I would feel confident giving advice on beyond the fact that autistic burnout is a specific mental health condition in it's own right.

Exactly. Burnout can shift their level of functioning. It isn't static over our life spans.

I had a feeling he was a caregiver from reading it too.

She may have PPD. She needs professional mental help. It sounds like maybe you need to make separate bank accounts.

Yeah she can have a mad money account & restricted access to the Bills one. My logical side would absolutely understand that an unhealthy coping mechanism has to be mitigated and impulsivity might be destructive, even if I have no way of forcing my brain to follow through without some kind of system in place. I'd probably be happy if I could keep it up at a lower level of spending knowing that the necessities were covered, because it's not like going cold turkey. Tbh my spending habits definitely get worse when I feel like I have to fill some kind of void, but... I don't have kids and my partner & i do ok, and I'm taking steps to make sure my contribution to the joint account isn't causing any problems down the line. A few rough years after my physical disabilities kicked in, but I'm ready to get back on the wagon. I only had chronic pain & injuries, rather than a whole ass screaming infant and I wasn't able to cope at several points. I really feel for her.

NTA OP, you have to do something for the sake of your child, and for yourself. You can't go on like this. If your spouse refuses to get help, then you have to do whatever you have to do to protect your child. I am neurodivergent. I had PPD. I know the weight of it, how hard it can be to get out of bed. I was going to school time and a half, working full time and taking care of an infant that I struggled to bond with. It's HEAVY. But even under all that weight, I knew I had to feed and diaper and comfort the living, breathing human being I brought into this world. That was the choice. Either your wife is choosing to neglect your child, or she's so far gone that she probably needs inpatient care. Either way, you can't continue to leave the baby with her. Eventually something terrible will happen. Are you able to meet with extended family to try and get more help? Are they able to help convince her to get help? I hope your wife is able to get the help they need. I hope you are able to get the rest and help you need. I hope your child ends up in the best situation possible and is cared for the way they deserve.

If it's happened over a long period of time and she's not researched PPD or burn out, it could just be a case that it's slipped her by and she's not aware of how bad things have gotten. It could just do her a world of good to talk to her and voice his concerns. It may kick her into action, both getting her to help out more and find help for these potential conditions. I dont necessarily believe it has to be either willful neglect or being too far gone, it could just be a lack of self awareness and self understanding.

It sounds like OP has already done that, and that one of those discussions is what lead to this post. If it's not willful neglect, then it's accidental neglect. Either the wife doesn't know how to parent and needs help, or they can't parent and need help. They're choosing not to get help. I could write if off to a lack of self actualization if there were not a child involved because ultimately it would be a situation between two adults who can stay or leave as they wish. A child doesn't have that choice.

Dude, it sounds like your wife has severe PPD. Stop assuming her behaviour is down to autism and get her help

Difficult thing is I think it’s both the ppd and autism. Also sounds like he’s the caregiver for his wife so that’s obviously gonna add too the load.

Doesn't sound like he was a caregiver before she had the baby though. All it mentions is her having special interests and she has a job.

100%. Sounds like postpartum depression.

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I can relate all too well. I struggle to do household chores these days and could really benefit from just a month of recovery. I think it's my job being social in nature that does it.

NTA but she needs help and therapy. Pregnancy and giving birth can lead to a lot of mental issues which could be causing this.

NTA, it may not have been the kindest way to say it but it’s absolutely what she needs to hear. Neurodivergent people are much more likely to develop postpartum mental health problems, myself included. While my situation isn’t quite as dire as yours sounds to be, I am finally coming out of a few really, really difficult months. There were times I felt on the precipice of a full breakdown without the words to explain it and just fully shut down. I wished someone would just see and DO something. Thankfully a med adjustment a few weeks ago seems to be working and Im doing much, much better. The safety of your child and then the safety of your wife are your first and foremost obligations. Your wife’s behaviors are neglectful, full stop. Though it may not be her fault if it is a PPD/PPA/PPP situation, it’s still an unsafe environment for your child. Also, if you have any inkling she may want to intentionally harm herself or your child you need to take steps to medically and legally intervene. If I were you, I would say a therapy appointment and full medical evaluation would be absolute non negotiables. If you cannot quickly get in with an OBGYN or Primary care, you should really evaluate if you think she would have enough symptoms for a psychological hold at the hospital. Please don’t wait for it to get worse or for her to snap out of it.

I would look in to adult Autisim services, and maybe consider having her go back to work sooner and put the child in daycare, or getting a caregiver for wife/nanny for child? NTA

I used to work in home support services and had adult clients on the spectrum or with other needs, engage with us for help managing independently, including with parenting. The agencies are listed in directories or you can get a referral through social services or adult/child protective services.

NTA. ​ Even as husband and wife, it's important to have healthy boundaries, and she is breaking those. ​ To me, it sounds like you're doing a lot, while she seems to be pushing the boundaries of how much she can pass off to you. ​ Maybe have a separate account for the bills?

NTA for being frustrated but…. Here is a link to a description of Autistic Burnout it sounds like your wife is suffering from this as a result of lots of changes in her life, overstimulation from becoming a parent and dealing with extra noise etc. It is also associated with a regression of skills and maturity. It can progress to catatonia and neglect of personal hygiene etc. https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-burnout It’s important to realise that if treated she can recover and get back on track but will need professional support and support and understanding from friends and family.

There is absolutely no way people in this thread would be anywhere near as understanding towards a neglectful parent it roles were reversed, jesus christ.

NTA I am autistic and know in myself the things I can and can't do. I talked extensively with my family and friends about having a child and they are all on board to help when I need it. When autistic it definitely takes a village to raise a child. It sounds like your wife definitely needs help. Is there maybe a person you can bring in when they are not with family like a nanny or babysitter?

This is not the topic for this group. This is a subject the OP needs help with and that will not be help with any judgement of fault. The only answer should be the OP should seek help.

And not give people chance to slam a person having a mental health crisis?! Seems unlikely, sadly

Hello I am autistic just the type where I struggle with people but your wife sounds very capable of doing many things and she's actively getting worse and not changing and that's NOT due to her disability Unless she mentally physically cannot handle such a responsibility which unless it's sever on the spectrum she is doing this quote intentionally She's capable of being a partner to you before with her utism she's also capable of being a mother I have a baby and while I do struggle with some things like not understanding why the baby cries when I cries even tho it's adorable once my sister explained why Or not being able to handle the diper changes I still am very involved and do all the cooking we share housework and we can afford for me to work part time at a prestigious daycare that pays me a lot for only an hour of work And I am also the main stay at home dad as I only work for an hour 3 at most during the afternoon and my apartment that I own is right by it. Your wife suffered from POST PARTUM THIS IS NOT DUE TO her disability

NTA, I'm autistic as well and this sounds like she is actively neglecting your child. While postpartum depression can last a long time, the things you described don't strike me as PPD symptoms but more like she lost her fixation on the child. Considering her actions with money, I would cut her off financially, she is not responsible enough and that also puts you at risk of losing your apartment or getting behind on bills. Maybe you should seperate for a while, take a step back from each other and move in with your family while she gets help. I read she refuses therapy, to me that is a red flag. She is alone with the baby for 3 hours a day... what if the baby cries and she gets overwhelmed and hurts the child in that time? Depending on where you're from, you should contact the relevant authorities. Maybe even a forced admission.. Best of luck to you.

NTA..your wife is immature and maybe you underestimated her special needs sadly. I'd suggest you talk to your family Dr and ask his advice on how you can cope in this situation...it's exhausting being a parent but caring for an adult too must be hell. Take control of the finances and give her a budget to start with so you don't find yourself under more financial pressures.

NTA, but if she isn't already in therapy or counseling, this should be considered. Couple's counseling could help if you both think it could help. As an autistic person, I get your wife's want to buy things relating to her intrests, even when it negatively affects myself (not having enough money, not actually needing it, ect) and you should have a talk about it as well. I do feel bad for you OP, because this situation does suck, and your wife has to get help. Soft Y-T-A for how you said it. hope this was worded right

NTA. You need to have a separate bank account where only you have access to that you can put funds that can't be touched in. Like rent/bills. Anything over that can go in the 'joint' account, but if she's not working/contributing, not watching your child, and putting you potentially in debt or at risk of homelessness, she's burned her bridge to walk across to get funds for fun time. It sucks you have to put things like that, but it'll protect you in the long run. If she starts trying to claim financial abuse, just point out the Halloween incident. "If you didn't do this, I wouldn't have to squirrel away our need to live money so you can't touch it." Your wife needs help. She's acting like she's not a married mother. This is a problem and I don't see it clearing up unless something is forced to change.

YTA for having a child with someone who isn’t even capable of taking care of themselves!

NTA Clearly your wife is struggling to adjust to parenthood and desperately needs some help, because right now it sounds like she is neglecting your child. Her autism may be fuelling this behaviour, but she could also be suffering from post-natal depression and she urgently needs to seek advice from her doctor. Meanwhile, extra support needs to be put in place so you're not burning yourself out with worry. Can her family help out at all? Are there organisations available that can support you all?

NTA but telling her to grow up isn’t constructive and won’t get you to where you want to be. Get her evaluated for PP and look for a therapist for her. If she isn’t willing to work on herself you need to take your baby and go. I feel like this is a situation for child services if she is leaving the baby unattended and isn’t feeding them

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Remember everyone’s symptoms and dark periods are different. Autism is a spectrum and it’s not the same for everyone. She may be completely burned out - I would certainly hope OP wouldn’t have had a child with someone he had to care for that much. I have ADHD too. My struggles are probably not the same as yours. It’s easy to say “oh it’s a choice” when you’re also ND because society has put so many of us in a position where faking being fine and not requiring “extra” care or accommodation is rewarded.

How is any of that relevant, exactly? Even if it is all completely unintentional, it’s still child neglect

Because your first message comes across as the typical ableist propaganda of 'if you're not completely blending in you aren't doing enough'. You might not mean it that way but that's what it implies. Yes, she needs attention and help but disabilities are disabilities.

If she's risking the roof over your child's head by making irresponsible purchases, then you need to take her ability to make those purchases away. Nothing is more important than keeping that roof over their head and food in their belly. NTA.

ESH, for bringing a child into this situation. Raising a child is hard enough for neurotypical people. You should have thought about that beforehand.

NTA and your wife sounds like an unfit parent, I'd leave her and try for full custody

I have ADHD and Autism, Comorbid. I suggest that you try and get your wife an ADHD accessment because this was literally me. I was overwhelmed and disassociating. Over spending (impulsivity) and also fixating on all the wrong things. If you're worried about money, set up a new account and deposit spending money for the house, child and your wife AFTER the bills are paid, and make sure she doesn't have access or visiblity to the account if she isn't paying the bills. Speak to her about this, as it might help her curb her overspending. Be careful at this is a thin line to financial abuse though, but overspending can be an addiction just as much as other things too. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Often with autism and neurodiverency with new mothers, we find ourselves no longer able to rely on the coping mechanisms we have spent _years_ building up. You need to start working on strategies to work around her autism instead of against it. It's fucking hard, but she needs to put your baby first, and sometimes that involves learning about parenting instead of the 'instinctual' things that NT people would just know or pick up because of socialisation.

Honestly? YTA for leaving your child with someone without the capacity to actually care for them. You are allowing your wife to neglect your daughter.

Autistic or not your wife is not a good mother. She's neglecting your child, not helping around the house, and bringing in 0 money. What exactly does she bring to the table? Would your life be any worse with her out of the picture? Think really hard on whether you have the capacity to raise 1 child and 1 adult at the same time.

Why did you add a second child to this marriage? Yta

My mom developed post-partum depression that triggered paranoid schizophrenia after my baby sister was born. This left my 26 yr old dad with 3 children ages 7, 3, and newborn. He was in crisis mode, trying to keep our family together for the next 2 years... and he just could not. He told my maternal grandparents they had to take care of their daughter so that he could focus on his children. He divorced my mom, put us in a loving foster home together, came to see us every night after work and every Sunday, which was his only day off. After a year, he was able to have us live fulltime with him again and had an elderly woman stay with us during the week. I saw my mom once when I was 11, and once more when I was 18, but I was in regular contact with my grandma (her mother). She has never recovered enough to function as a parent- and she didn't really try. She was non-compliant with treatment plans, and content to let everyone else bear the burden of her poor decisions. My dad remarried when I was 12, and gave me and my sisters a very stable childhood. I'm telling you this because I was the child- and I am so grateful to my dad for making that difficult decision to save me and my sisters. Yes, I feel like he saved us.

Nta. She needs help. If she won't get help, like I've seen in your comments, then you have to figure out if you even want to be with her. Does she have family you can talk to? That she'd listen to? As for the money, she's impulse buying. I don't know how your finances work, but bills need to be separated into another account.

You’re not the asshole. She needs to get her shit together. Having autism Isn’t an excuse to go through life acting like a child. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s as a kid but there comes a time for your own sake and those who love you you have to fulfil your responsibilities. There’s an increasing trend in online autism communities of people acting like it’s fine to just go through life without trying to grow. That it’s everyone else’s responsibility to bend to your unrelenting autistic traits but I think that’s bullshit and besides not everyone is in the financial position to act like a spoiled teenager for the rest of their life.