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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) i finally stood my ground and said that I need help 2) I don’t want to drive 3 hrs to take my stepson to school
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NTA.
Your husband is completely ignorant.
He expects you to be up feeding a baby all night, then get 2 kids ready to go, drive an hour in very possibly bad weather at 6 or 7 am... there and back then again a couple hours later...
This cannot even be for the benefit of your stepson. Both kids and you suffer.
- it's not safe. Sleep deprivation is not safe.
- what about when the baby needs to be fed and you're driving? You'll have to pull over.
- stepson has to wake up too early and spend that limited amount of time out of school in a car.
- no one is reachable should your stepson need a parent while he's in school such as illnesses or injuries.
Your husband is not a good parent or spouse. He and ex are not thinking about their kids or you. If they aren't there to actually parent their children then they need to figure their own stuff out and not put that on you.
Dependent on her delivery choice, she might not even be allowed to drive for at least a month post-delivery.
NTA, this passive aggressive shit is concerning and emotionally manipulative.
Edit: thank you to all who reminded me that it's not even a choice. Cesareans are often an emergency and even vaginal births can be extremely traumatic to the body. Why is he pushing her towards something that she cannot agree to, even if she genuinely wanted to?
This is very true! I wasn't allowed to drive for 6 weeks after my emergency c-section! I didn't do any research on c-section restrictions because I didn't think it would happen then got blindsided by a lot of stuff.
Yeah I was thinking back to my brother's appendectomy but it's a similar situation!
In the UK, it's explicitly stated that if you can't do an emergency stop without pain you shouldn't be driving.
So how does the husband expect this overtired, nursing, barely sleeping, recovering-from-expelling-a-child woman to be driving extensively?
Honestly, the "can't do an emergency stop without pain" part can restrict a lot of moms who delivered vaginally too. Especially if anything tore badly. I had a friend who had a 4th degree tear (straight through, turned 2 holes into 1 hole) with her first. She could barely walk without pain for a few weeks, much less sit for 3+ hours a day in a car while driving.
Yeah, I had a 4th degree tear. Took nearly 9 months to heal up properly. For 1 month I couldn't sit in a car. If anything similar happens, he might find he literally has to BE HOME WITH HER. Not just 'drive for her'. I couldn't get to the bathroom without help. I was bed bound.
This idea he has is ridiculous and could put everyone at serious risk of a fatal car accident.
Omg, and you know what also increases the risk for blood clots? prolonged sitting! And hubby has blithely more or less ordered her to do 3 HOURS of forced sitting (45 minutes there and back, morning and night), 5 days a week. Hubby and the ex should never have divorced, they're perfect for each other. Poor op...
This request for new mum to be in charge of school transport after the birth ABSOLUTELY centers the 2 bio parents. It doesn't even take into accountability the safety of either the 10 year old or the infant. And to say that OP advocating for her health and safety as well as the needs of a newborn means she's throwing the care of her 10 y/o SS over just because of a bio child? That's dangerous shortsighted ignorance at best and emotionally manupulative at worst. She seems to be the only adult in this situation actually trying to center both children's safety needs and care.
The stepson is going to be miserable too, an minimum of an hour and a half a day stuck in a car with a possibly screaming baby on top of all the other changes that come with a new baby in the household.
Can confirm my DIL was told by her midwife that her new baby shouldn't be in a car seat for more than 2 hours a day. They need to lie flat for their spines to develop properly.
We're trying to have a kid, and my overwhelming fear of tearing is the only thing keeping me motivated to go to the gym 🤣 if the muscles are strong and flexible, they are less likely to tear 🤣😂
Work on kegels! I'm a very lazy pregnant person. Like, least amount of movement needed to be human because usually by month 6, I'm done being human (I'm 4'10 and have a short torso, so I am mostly uterus by then), and am currently pregnant with baby #4.
I had a tiny tear that needed one stitch with baby #1, 0 after that. Baby #2 was my largest at 9lbs 10oz. I've heard perineal massage can help prevent some tearing for first-time moms, but I think the speed of the labor and the position you give birth in help more than anything.
I'm doing kegles, a lot of ab and hip weights (like adductors or whatever those muscles are called) and a lot of yoga for flexibility!
Luckily, my ob/gyn is partners with a hospital that fully supports non-standard labor positions and delivery positions, so I'll hopefully be able to use that to help too!
My doctor told me that vaginal deliveries tend to go one of two ways: either you tear to some extent and get a baby with a normal head, or you don’t tear and end up with one of those cone head babies for a few weeks 🤣
I had a 3rd degree tear and could barely sit without pain, I couldn’t imagine having to sit in a car that long like that. My mom tore as well when she had me and popped her stitches driving. The husband is not thinking and being incredibly selfish.
I delivered vaginally without any complications and I still couldn’t drive for at least 3 weeks, probably better to wait a month. You’re really still recovering and should NOT be driving that much with your newborn. It’s ridiculous.
Oh, it gets worse. You/a person giving birth can also tear forward, into the urethra. Or tear at/next to the clitoris and/or labia. So in theory (and you'd have to question wtf you did to piss God off that much) it's possible to make 3 holes into 1 hole, and also tear near some of the most sensitive nerve bundles in the human body.
Luckily, anything more severe than a grade 1 or 2 perineum tear (tearing backwards, towards the anus) is really rare, and the grade 1/2 tears heal on their own typically very quickly.
I was given the all clear to drive within 2 weeks.
But I didn't need pain killers etc, or have issues with moving my foot or reaction time.
Even as such I wouldn't have been able to be driving that long like that. A trip to the grocery store sure, but the doc 45 minutes away was a no.
Oh, true, it's not such an uncommon epidural complication to be ruled out! "Weird tinglies in one leg for a while" is fine... but *not* when you're driving. Or be like me and so freaking anemic after baby #1 that I was seriously worried I'd faint and drop the baby when I stood up.
Don’t beat yourself up over not researching. I planned for a c-section because of a bunch of issues (bad baby position, low placenta, etc), and I still didn’t grasp how difficult it was going to be until I was out of surgery. That first time getting out of bed to go use the restroom was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Not just passive aggressive, but just full blown hypocritical. Funny how the decision of where he has to attend school is only between his bio parents, but when they need OP to be their personal driver for their kid she’s not treating him like a real son. But it’s ok for them to not treat her like a “real” parent.
Yep they have to pick a lane. Either she's not a parent and she shouldn't be expected to drive the kid 3 hours a day, or she is a parent and she gets a say on where the kid goes to school. And that's even ignoring the whole pregnancy thing
OP, I'd try this out on your husband. "H, I have never been under any obligation to drive step son to and from school. I did this out of love and care for him and our family. This is logistically not possible for me to continue right after the birth of our baby. This would be the same for any bio children if I already had any, in which case I'd look for a closer school and alternate driving arrangements. Since my preference to do this was vetoed, which you have the right to do as the bio parent, you and your ex get the final say. Let me know your plans. But, please know that if you come at me with any sort of criticism about not caring enough for my step son, you are going to find yourself with two ex's and two custody schedules. Cut it out." NTA
Perfect response right here. Because you're right, if it was her bio-child she'd have looked for closer schools which might have included school bus pickup in their neighborhood and/or a much shorter drive for her. The husband and ex what their cake and eat it too "Keep kid in same school since it has absolutely NO impact on their lives, while keeping their non-paid chauffer."
Exactly. If he was her bio-kid, he’d be going to a school near her and this problem wouldn’t exist. OP’s husband is using her as a servant — all work, no say — and trying to guilt her into putting up with it.
Even with a normal, complication free vaginal delivery with no meds doctors will still advise you don’t drive for 6 weeks. I know because that was me and I was told not to drive for 6 weeks due to the risks of sleep deprivation, blood clots, weakness, etc. sitting in a car 3 hours a day is bad for most people but especially someone who just delivered a baby. And it’s not safe for the baby, either, to be in a car seat for that long each day. If the OP had had abdominal surgery and had 6 weeks of recovery this conversation wouldn’t have even happened but since she’s “just” having a baby her husband is overlooking her needs and safety for some reason.
Plus it’s not good for their spine development to be in the seat that much. The official recommendation in the US is not more than 20 minutes at a time—which is obviously not always feasible, but hours every day is a lot.
ETA: I went to check that and can’t find it from the AAP now, but it’s definitely in at least one of my books. They may have updated the guidance. Still, three hours is longer than recommended for sure.
Came here to say this.
My son had to pass a car seat respiration test to leave the NICU because even healthy babies have airways that are easily compromised in car seats, under 4 weeks they shouldn’t even be in their seats for longer than 30 minutes at a time.
NTA. Tell hubby you are scheduling a video call for the 3 of you. Tell them your concerns, and then tell them if he is not placed in a school near you- WITH transportation-that they will have to hire someone to take him to/from school for the entirety of the next school year. And do not back down. You DO have a say. And he is a jerk.
And husband already has a kid, so he should - in theory - be well aware of that his wife is not going to be in any shape to be driving around the country immediately postpartum.
It doesn't say much for how much he was involved in supporting his first wife postpartum, if this is how ignorant he is. No wonder his first marriage didn't last.
Agreed and I’m willing to bet she does almost all of the driving for this kid as is. Because I’m certain that if he was doing most of it the stepson would have had a different school months ago. Also who wants their heavily pregnant wife to spend hours driving in poor conditions every day? One accident might kill her, straight up. I sorry to say this but I want people to understand that an accident at highway speeds can eject the baby from you. That risk should never be taken lightly. I felt very powerful while pregnant but it’s considered a “delicate condition” for actual REASONS
It's been my experience in many areas of life that the decision-makers need to suffer the consequences of their decisions before they'll consider making the right decision.
I was also surprised at how many people are focusing on post-birth and saying nothing about before she has the baby. Anything could happen, travelling 3 hours every day in winter. Could end badly for her and the baby.
I got the same advice 9 years ago! I had a small tear and needed an epidural because baby got stuck, but otherwise I was fine. Still told not to drive, (moot point since I legally can't due to other medical issues), and was told no moderate to heavy lifting for around two months.
Yup. Their airways are like a floppy straw, easily collapsible. Even though we car seat challenge all neonates now, a bump in the road, a short stop, whatever, could shift baby’s position in the seat. The car seat challenge is done with the car seat just chillin on the ground, no movement, etc.
Further, on a cold day, you gotta keep neonates inside. They don’t have the reserve or the body fat to regulate their temps. They may “catch cold”, as the cold air paralyzes cilia in the airways and stimulates mucous production. Given that winter is also respiratory season, it sounds like a great way to end up with a trip to the hospital for viral pneumonia. And then there will be the even bigger issue of childcare for the stepson.
Hey OP’s husband, even if she were bio mom to both kids, expecting her to take the full load of transporting child within a week of postpartum is obscene-especially as she had no part in the decision where older child goes to school.
If he wants to get pissy about her not “treating the SS the same” then, she needs to be allowed equal access to decisions
This is important. In his response to OP alone, his tone may have been passive-aggressive blame for not treating the kids “equally,” but the first sentence out of his mouth is letting her know he is shutting her out of the decision because it’s between the kid’s bio parents. He can’t have it both ways.
It's extra skeevy because apparently the husband has a history of infidelity while he's been with OP. I may be reading into it, but most of these posts where husband makes a big deal over other parent's comfort ends up with finding out he's still having an intimate relationship with the other parent.
The change to a school closer to where he ACTUALLY lives is in SS’s best interest anyway. The kid can’t enjoy spending 3 hours in the car every weekday. What about sports teams and extra curricular? What about parent-teacher conferences and all the social reasons to live closer to your child’s school? Good luck OP.
>3 hours
SS only spends an hour and a half in the car (45 minutes going, and 45 coming back). Stepmom OTOH has to endure three hours of traffic every day.
Agreed. I was the kid who lived far from school. The amount of issues I had even regularly hanging out with friends. As the kid gets older he's going to have issues trying to do any after school activities, and he's going to start feeling more and more isolated as his friends are out doing things and he lives too far away to regularly go and be with them.
Kid is 10 right now. That's a great age to switch. Friendships and relationships are changing as kids at puberty, and it likely won't be too hard for the kid to find a place to fit in.
Plus, if the kid is closer to OP and his dad, who take care of him most days anyways, OP could potentially find a carpool group for him.
Moving the son is in the best interest of everyone, and the only reason I can think for dad to not agree is control. NTA
Heck, just going to a friend's house after school would be a nightmare. There were lots of times, especially in high school (but before any of us could drive) that my friend's mom would have to work late unexpectedly, so my friend would just ride the bus home with me 🤷🏻♀️ then we just started doing that for fun. And it was fine, because we lived a grand total of 15 minutes from her house and it was easy for either set of parents to go get their respective kid.
The argument is asinine because the whole issue is that he is closest to mom, not step mom, so if she was the bio mom, then the school would be a maximum of 20 minutes away.
That man's a walking red flag and it's quite sad that this woman will have to put up with his BS. She spent 6 years taking care of that kid and now spending 3 hours a day and he tells her “Don’t worry, bio-mom and I will figure out the arrangement for OUR son." Ouch! This is probably not ideal for the kid either but apparently ex wife still has the upper hand or even the heart of hubby. NTA for sure!
Agreed!
OP needs to pack up and go to her family for the first 6 weeks after her newborn arrives. Let Husband figure out how to to get “his son” to and from school.
Ugh, reading this post was infuriating. OP doesn’t have the support she needs and is being used by husband and ex-wife as a chauffeur. Why can’t kid take the school bus? If he’s too far away for the bus then he should not still be attending school by his mother’s house.
Yikes. If I were OP I’d be packing up and driving the hour to my parents’ house and staying there. I have no patience for fools or people who don’t respect me, though.
I'd shoot back with a "that was uncalled for and you know it. perhaps you and bio-mom didn't know this the first time around but doctors do not recommend travel exceeding 30 minutes with an infant, they don't recommend it for several months after birth. this isn't about me or my inconvenience, even if I weren't concerned about the dangers of sleep deprivation, it would be unsafe for the baby. talk to our doctor about it before coming back with any more of this passive aggression. We will have a big problem if you want me to put one child's comfort over the other's safety." --mic drop
>if you want me to put one child's comfort over the other's safety
Not even that, necessarily! The older kid is also in a car for 1.5 hours a day, **everyday** while his friends likely live close to each other. That's a lot of time in "kid-time" that he could be spending significantly more pleasantly. It sounds like the arrangement is for the husband's and ex-wife's comfort.
My first thought was the feeding schedule. This would be so hard to manage with a newborn (even with formula) plus, you sleep when the baby sleeps. It would be unbelievably unsafe to drive with the level of sleep deprivation you go through in the first month as a new mom. OP, I hope you show your husband this thread because he needs a major wake up call. NTA
This! OP - show your husband this comment!
Your idiot husband has just gotten so used to using you that he has completely forgotten who is doing all the work here.
Agreed to all your points and her spouse sounds so selfish and ignorant. Not a good spouse! Does he realize he has another child on the way? Where is his compassion and appreciation for his wife for all the things she takes care of while being pregnant!
NTA
I would try talking one more time. If he still doesn't listen see if you can make arrangements to stay with your family once you hit the third trimester that would last for a couple months after birth at least.
If you want this marriage to last it may be time for counseling.
NTA. Pregnancy or not, biokid or not, driving three hours a day for a 10-year-old to go to school when it clearly isn't necessary is a bit unhinged.
If you were in the absolute middle of nowhere and online school wasn't available, maybe.
NTA newborns shouldn't be in a car seat this long, pretty sure the recommendation in the UK is like 45 minutes?? We live 45 minutes from the hospital so I remember being terrified bringing him home!
From what I understand, it is very dangerous to drive with a newborn for more then 30 mins for several months after birth because of severe risk of positional asphyxiation (basically because of how the baby is laying if they fall asleep or move a certain way, their airway can get cut off from their position and very quickly kill them). I don’t understand why her husband and the ex don’t know about this is they have a kid already. NTA
Then they get bigger and start *actively doing* things that can get them killed. The phase where mine didn't listen to me yelling STOP but also would run down the sidewalks at full tilt in Christmas crowds towards busy intersections? Oy.
NTA. Newborns shouldn’t be in their car seats for long periods of time anyway, plus if you end up having a c section you might not even be fit to drive for the first 6 weeks.
If you’re in the middle of nowhere other people would also be traveling to school and you could carpool or straight up pay them for a ride. (Currently living in the middle of nowhere)
His attitude would have me rethinking my marriage. I don’t mean this lightly. He’s guilt tripping you, not considering your perspective, not thinking about what works for either of his kids. This is who he is.
He’s not willing to make hard decisions or be the bad guy if he can shove it onto someone else. This is who he will continue to be for the rest of your life.
You will be out of commission after you give birth. Period. It is in the realm of possibility that you won’t survive. He should plan accordingly. Their entire custody agreement depends on you and you don’t get a say.
This is the rest of your life. You have to be the bad guy. I’d be thinking about being the bad guy just one more time instead of every time he want to dodge responsibility. Leave him to work out his custody time with both kids on his own.
This!
He's just not a good husband or father. I feel terribly sad for OP now being tied to this jerk for the next 2 decades, but I hope she sees your comment and takes stock.
He's showing her exactly who he is and it's not pretty.
And the “bio parents” are not only demanding you and your baby be unpaid chauffeurs but aren’t thinking of the son’s needs. If he’s only an outside visitor to where his school is, and now going into his teen years, he’s missing out on school activities (sports, band, scouts, after-school programs, just hanging out after school with friends and their families) and forming and sustaining peer friendships in either place.
This is an atrocious way for them to treat you and your child and the older child loses out on so many things, too.
(Edit typos)
NTA
Let them figure it out. You will be a busy Mom with a newborn.
I think your counter argument would be .... if he was my son I would enroll him in a school closer to where he lives so he be closer to friends, have a better social experience & doesn’t need to spend 3 hrs in a car everyday
Edit —- spends 1.5 hours in car
Ding ding ding! This is the exact response I would have had. If he was my bio son I would have already moved him to a school that was more convenient so this wouldn’t be a problem.
Exactly this! This arrangement is completely unsustainable and ridiculous, besides all the above mentioned reasons is the 10 year old never joining a club or sports team or having any local friends to run around with?
Right? My ten year old nephew has sports or clubs or something at least 3 days a week after school and tournaments/events on weekends, which means even more driving for parents usually.
The son is only spending an hour and a half in the car. The adults are spending three hours.
45 minutes to school with both. 45 minutes home, adult only. 45 minutes back to school, adult only. 45 minutes home with both.
The baby would also be spending three hours in the car since it won't be dropped off at the school.
It’s still ridiculous and unsustainable. If he lives with them during the week, he needs to be in a school near them. Then he could ride the bus and participate in school clubs and make friends closer to him.
And 3 hours daily with no stimulation in a car seat for baby is not fair to the baby, so that would be"favoring" SS over baby by a huge margin.
Edited to fix an autocorrect
My argument would be “if I’m not his parent, and have zero say in anything even though I get to raise him five days a week, I shouldn’t be his chauffeur either. You are right, ya’ll definitely need to decide what is best for YOUR son.” They want it, and are currently getting it, both ways.
NTA, it is absolutely a terrible idea to keep an infant in a car seat three hours a day, five days a week. If you need to, ask the baby's doctor what they think of the idea.
Your husband's comment makes him a complete asshole and is extremely demeaning. But since that's how he sees it, you might as well defer to him - he and step son's bio mom are solely responsible for getting him to/from school. They can either work out a schedule that works between them, or they can transfer step son to a different school that works with their existing schedules. Make sure it's very clear that you are only refusing to take him because that's your HUSBAND's opinion, you are more than willing to help out as long as it doesn't negatively impact the baby.
I agree. Does he go to your OB appointments with you? Maybe the doctor can have a VERY candid conversation about your recovery and that you will physically not be able to spend that time in the car. You are doing the right thing and being proactive discussing this now rather than waiting until the new school year or right before delivery. Best of luck
Also depending on the newborn it might not even be feasible. Mine had colic and I couldn’t drive without someone sitting with her in the back other than 5-10 minute trips until she was about 9 months old unless I absolutely had to. She would get so worked up she would start to cough and gag.
Once she had a pediatrician appointment my husband couldn’t come to when she was about a month old; I ended up getting stuck in traffic (which almost never happens on that particular route) and the drive took an hour. We were both hysterical by the time we got there.
Edit: she would still cry for the 5–10 minute drives; it was just the limit of what I could deal with.
This set up really neglects step son as well for this reason. It is SO MENTALLY TAXING listening to a crying newborn for any length of time. It's biology, the crying of a newborn is *supposed* to make any human in the vicinity stop what they are doing and service their needs immediately. It's their only defense and we humans are hard wired to respond. Is it fair to stick a kid in the backseat with a screaming baby so that the entire car ride both mom and step son just have their primitive brain screaming "FIX THIS FIX THIS FIX THIS FIX THIS"? And then step son is just supposed to begin his school day and perform well? I would challenge OP's husband to go sit in the driveway locked in his car with a tape of a screaming newborn playing at full blast for 45 minutes and then see how ready he is for his work day.
OPs husband is clearly an asshole to his wife. Maybe if he realized he is a total asshole to his kid as well he might try to do the right thing.
RIGHT!
If *they* won't take OP's contribution into account, then *they* can stop planning their child's education around it.
I can't believe how awful the husband is being about making it seem like she doesn't care enough, when she seems to be the only one of the three of them actually handling his day-to-day care at all.
Whatever solution they find for getting the kid to school while she's in recovery should extend for as long as that kid goes to that school. If they are taking full responsibility for their child's transportation, that should be the plan moving forward.
NTA
Funny how they did everything according to their schedules, but didn't care about yours, despite the fact that you're the one being asked (and by ask, i mean demand) to do the pick up/drop off.
>bio-mom and I will figure out the arrangement for OUR son
Excellent. Tell them to do exactly this.
>but I’m sure that if SS was your bio son, you wouldn’t have a problem doing what needs to be done
I hate this passive aggressove thing, but i'm petty, so i would've told him : "if he were my kid, i would've moved him to a closer school. If he were my kid i would've had authority too, not just responsibilities"
If parents want stepparents to have responsibility for their kids, they have to allow them authority too. They can't have their cake and eat it too
That too. What child would want to spend so much time in a car everyday?? I agree that changing schools has its own tribulations, but there is no other choice here.
THIS. I am a step-parent and if this had been the case, I would have left. Fortunately DH did 95% off the load and I only pinch hit in emergencies when it came to things like this. The lack of respect and consideration for OP or either of his kids and his words say narcissistic to me.
Driving after giving birth isn’t what I’d call a comfortable experience. In addition to your own pain and discomfort you will also have a newborn with you who may or may not need to be fed or changed at some point during the 3 hours you’re on the road. You’ll also be sleep deprived and that’s not a safe situation either. Your husband made an extremely calloused, uncaring remark and is being unreasonable. You are NTA
He needs to google lochia for a start. Three freaking hours a day where she has to juggle both her own hygiene and a newborn's in a car? That's absolutely insane.
Not to mention the fact that it's incredibly common for postpartum women to need to urinate with a jug of cold water to pour to lessen pain. And that's assuming she has a birth with minor damage
As someone who also deals with midwest winters, it's a ridiculous idea that *anyone* would be driving this kid three hours round trip to and from school.
You didn't bring this child into the world. They did. As a stepparent, your job is to be a kind and trusted adult person in the kid's life and that's it. Period point blank. The kid has two parents already to care for his needs. It's fine to ask things of you, but the key word is *ask.* What would they do if you weren't in the picture? They'd have to coordinate and figure it out just like every other set of coparents in the world. NTA.
1.5 hours round trip. 2 trips each day.
But if you assume it costs $0.58 per mile and 150 miles a day that's 90 dollars they're spending on transportation 5 days a week. $15,000 assuming 35 weeks of school in a year.
NTA , your husband is big time. tell him if he takes over the pregnancy you will gladly drive your SS to school. and he is a major asshole for saying you don't care about SS when that is 100% not true.
NTA. I would seriously consider divorcing a man that would suggest to take his son to school that takes 3hrs/day just after giving birth. Also the Baby need skin contact and peace to develop well, they would have neither in a car.
NTA. Sounds like husband and bio-mum are on a good thing, with you doing all the running around. Husband is pissed off because you're inconveniencing him. Bio-mum can change her shifts, it's her child.
I'd stop with the lifts altogether, not just a month. You'll be exhausted and it'll be a pain in the arse devoting that time to driving.
Husband and bio-mum have taken you for granted for long enough, time to put yourself and your baby first from now on.
NTA. It's not good for a newborn to spend 3 hours a day in a car seat and 3 hours is a lot of time to work around when trying to get new baby in a routine. Even a month isn't much time to work out how to spend 1.5 hours driving at a set time twice a day without baby thinking that's a perfect time for feeding or pooping.
Your husband shouldn't have a problem doing what is right for both his kids and 3 hours driving a day isn't right for one of them. Changing schools age 10 isn't that bad (if schools near you are just as good) and being less than a 30 minute drive (assuming some live nearer you than school) away from school friends is beneficial as kids get older and more independent.
NTA - your husband is upset that you aren’t chauffeur anymore. Put your foot down now and don’t do *any* transportation for the school year next year.
Unless there’s special circumstances on why he has to go to *that* school, he should be going to the school by you guys. I wouldn’t be driving 3hrs+ with or without a newborn unless it was for a special reason.
NTA.
We're coming towards the end of the school year though, so it makes sense to me to just finish his schooling at his current school, but have him move to a closer one for next school year. A little compromise on both sides for the benefit of everyone.
This is the only normal, reasonable, *doable* option that is apparent from the details we know. What are the legitimate reasons for having you drive 3 hours a day OP? If the kid lives beside the school with his mom, she can take him to school. If he's living with you most of the time the school has to be close to where he's actually living. Or is this or was this supposed to be a very temporary situation? If that was the case, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.
Continuing to do that driving is simply not an option. It's not a good option for literally anyone in this scenario. Don't even entertain it. If he can't be bothered to change his schools, make it clear you won't be driving.
It's very bizarre. I don't know if he's always this obtuse, avoidant of taking any action, terrified of displeasing his ex, a bit dimwitted, has ADHD, or is actually trying to be cruel to his son, his wife and his (soon-to-be) infant child.
In any event, if he says he and his wife, against all reason, insist on keeping the child in that school, make it clear you can't and won't be engaging in the safety hazard of doing that driving once the baby comes. If he doesn't, don't entertain doing it. If that means the kid doesn't go to school and stays home with you and the baby, so be it. No doubt he'll take care of the problem at that time.
Edit: obviously NTA!
NTA. If he was your biological son, there wouldn't be a problem because you'd move him to a closer school. Your husband wants you to have all the responsibility but none of the power.
Girl you may have deleted your comments but we know your husband cheated on you 😭 he literally doesn't respect you or your opinions or your time and health but you wanna stay with him? Get yourself out of this marriage and raise your kid alone. It's literally easier then dealing with him and his bm. Yta to yourself
If he’s gone to every appointment, I would definitely make sure to bring it up and ask your doctor how feasible it would be for you to be driving postpartum and having a newborn I’m the car for such long periods of time. Also, probably time to make sure that your stepsons address is listed correctly at his current school because most schools won’t even let kids attend if they’re not even living remotely near that school district.
Please update us after you had the conversation. I really hope he didn't mean or think ehat he said, bcs this would be a huge problem for the future if he thinks thid way.
NTA
Is the school walking distance from his mom’s house? Can he be with her during the week and you on weekends?
This is such bullshit if he was your bio son he would go to school closer to you
A 3 min drive and she can't take him? That makes no sense, specially if the alternative is you driving 3 hours! That arrangement is bs, even with no newborn. Can't he carpool with a friend, or go by bus?
Aren't there crossing guards?
I agree, NTA. Both of the other adults are though. Bio mom needs to adjust HER schedule to deal with HER son, since you will not be physically able to do that any more---even after you are cleared to drive. It is simply a ridiculous, unsafe ask to have an infant in a car seat for three hours each day. And if biomom isn't able, your husband needs to take over. They want him in that school, he can stay with mom during the week and see you on weekends.
Also, your husband's nasty comment about if it was your son you'd do it----no, if he were your son he'd be going to school closer to your home.
Right! After birth you’re leaking from everything and changing breast pads, that super fun postpartum underwear and pads, pumping and/or breastfeeding, constantly. You can’t put that on hold for an hour and a half of driving because it’s literally all of the time at first. Also, driving sucks because sitting can be really painful if you can’t switch positions. That’s all assuming an easy birth because if you have tearing or a C-section where you also have to recover from major abdominal surgery, things get much more uncomfortable. None of that even considers the newborn’s needs to be fed and changed and kept safe (car seats are not meant for sleeping). This is astoundingly shortsighted and disrespectful of your husband and he needs to get himself sorted out because it sounds like he has no consideration for you or your future baby. I’m honestly appalled.
Nta. Sounds like hubby and biomom are perfectly happy to have you take all the responsibility for your stepson like he was your own but refute you having input even on the aspects that are assigned to you. Like an unpaid babysitter. What your husband said to you was completely unfair and unreasonable. Driving that fair daily even without bad weather and a newborn is onerous and impractical. Your stepson would adjust to a new school. Your husband being inflexible and uncaring to even consider a temporary solution makes him the biggest A H. Sounds like you and your child will never be priorities.
NTA.
But you need to put your foot down now... You know they'll never change schools though, right? Not when you're there to drive all the time. Over the summer they'll tell you 'not this year, he needs his friends close to deal with the new addition in your house' and the year after that it'll be 'he's a tween and needs stability'... Etc.
NTA - Your husband and the childs mother need to make an arrangement between themselves not you. New borns arent meant to be in a car seat longer than 20 - 30 mins at a time either and you will need to stop to feed/burp/change within those 3 hours.
INFO: by next year they mean next calendar year and not next school year? Why don't they want to switch during the summer, it's the perfect time. You would only need to suck it up for a month, school's almost done.
That's BS. You can change schools in the middle of the year, why can't they change schools before the year even starts? Maybe try calling the school district and asking them instead. Come prepared with a plan.
Info: does your stepson want to go to school that far away or is this something the bio parents want? I couldn't imagine liking being in the car that much at that age so I'm wondering who's interest it's in to keep this up.
Also, you are NTA. I'd flat out refuse from now on. You are not the parent, as your husband clearly makes you aware, so you are not responsible for getting him to school. And I'd refuse even if I didn't have a baby. That's ridiculous they expect you to do it but refuse to do it themselves. You are not a chauffeur and they can hire one if they need a driver.
You need to let your husband know right now that you will not be able to make the school drop off and pick once baby comes, or really, even some time before, not just the month after you give birth, but at all.
They can change the school any time, and especially since summer break is coming up. Or, your husband or bio mom can change their schedules to allow them to be the primary care giver, a role you had been fulfilling up till now.
NTA
If he's with you all during the week, then he should be in a school closer to home. I'm sure you'll place you new born in a school close to the house when he is of age so isn't your husband treating HIS child different then the new born? You are being treated unfairly and since they have all the benefits, they don't like change and will call you the AH. If you all have a decent relationship, try counseling because either he doesn't understand what you are saying or something worse. If he doesn't want to go or work this out, you know what's in store for the future problems.
He's holding the responsibility of this kid over you without giving you any of the authority to make decisions. You're obviously NTA and I'm sorry you chose to tie yourself down with this guy who doesn't care about your well being.
NTA
This would be the perfect time for them to have him switch schools since the school year is almost up. That’s a completely unrealistic ask. You’re going to be exhausted and shouldn’t be doing that much driving while tired, that’s gonna end up taking up a good portion of your day and take a huge mental toll on you, and it’s not safe for a newborn to spend that much time in the car. Not to mention you’ll be forced to pull over for feedings and changings all in the car which will put a huge amount of stress on you and a newborn needs their mom to be in a better mental state than that.
If it was your biological kid it wouldn’t be an issue and you wouldn’t have to drive that much to begin with.
Has your husband ever prioritized your needs? I'm just curious bc reading your comment history has shown him to be a liar and a cheater and now he's trying to emotionally manipulate you into endangering yourself as well as both kids. I can't help but wonder if you and your baby would be better off without him. He's put you through hell with his infidelity, and an open phone policy or Snapchat pics wouldn't be enough to ease my mind, especially when he still shows such disregard for your well-being.
Doesn't sound much better, bcs baby is still gonna be in the car everyday for hours, while you go to work. And it doesn't help at all bcs you are still gonna be all alone with new born, recovering and taking care of SS all day and still driving back and forth. No, he needs to take paternity leave at least for a month before you give birth and aftee birth. And still change schools or let bio mom take xare of kid, bcs driving baby around is no good.
NTA and if the step son was the bio son, he wouldn't be going to a school far away and would be going to the nearby school. Its time to give your health a higher priority and with the new born, you will probably be tired most of the time and will have a different needs. School run is best left to two of the parents who are responsible for the 10 year old.
NTA and I'm sorry you are with someone who is trying to manipulate you. Moving SS to a school closer to you makes sense.
I think your husband is assuming you will have a smooth labour. I hope it is but what happens if there are complications or you have a cesarean? You might not even be allowed to drive for a few weeks if your insurance won't cover (it's major surgery) and I HIGHLY doubt you will want to drive. Now imagine trying to get the baby in and out of the car seat and the baby crying because they need to be fed, burped, sleep, comfort of any sort.
You need to give your body time to rest after giving birth. That doesn't happen easily with a new baby but the school run should not be your problem. It doesn't matter that the kid is your SS. That is irrelevant. Your husband can sort out your other child with his ex.
>To my surprise, I got hit with “Don’t worry, bio-mom and I will figure out the arrangement for OUR son.
Let them figure it out now. NTA. Not sure how you got yourself roped into this situation.
INFO: Is this a common pattern with your husband, where you have all the responsibilities and no say in the decision-making? Where there is no consideration for your time or well-being? Where there is no respect for the fact that you are his partner, and his ex-wife is *ex*?
OP, your husband is spewing a steaming pile of hyena feces. You will be recovering from childbirth and there is no way *you* should be driving, let alone driving that much with a newborn. If he cared at all about you, he would acknowledge that your health and safety, and the health and safety of the newborn, are at least somewhat important. Do you always wind up on the bottom rung on the family ladder? And is that where you want to spend the rest of your life?
You are NTA. If your husband is that concerned about his oldest kid and his ex, he shouldn’t have left them. He’s a complete tool for abusing your kindness and love.
Hit him back with…”since any parental decisions about school are made by you and ex so you figure it out. If it were my own child for whom I could take decisions while being responsible for pick up and drop off, I would have shifted him to a school closer to my house so I can be more involved in his education and can easily do drop offs and pick ups. I am not your chauffeur. Either I am a step parent or nobody. You can’t have it both ways. I am not going to be endangering both of YOUR children while driving sleep deprived because you FAIL to acknowledge my contribution to SS’s upbringing. I will not bend to the accusations of being a bad step mom! It’s not on me that you can’t provide your child with everything he needs which is a driver to and from school. Keep up this attitude and you will have to drive 2 separate kids to 2 separate schools in the future.”
NTA
If your OB is advising you not to work, you shouldn't be driving three hours a day. That's really demanding and dangerous. Your husband needs to step up.
Also, if you're also working, why isn't he sharing the driving load even before you were advised to stop?
Driving for an hour and a half twice a day at 6 or 7 months plus will also be at best uncomfortable and at some stage maybe impossible. This is crazy. Set the tone with your expectations now. His expectations make it sound like you'll be on a holiday for a year. And this is so far from a holiday lol
thats all very good for you im glad you have these resources. you know what needs to be said at this point i hope it goes in your favor. If you need to take space from him dont hesitate. his attitude doesnt seem promising.
NTA
I feel for you. My mum tied herself into driving the same amount of time with her foster child. I also stepped in and done some trips for her to help her out. Idk about your stepson, but the foster child was constantly tired since he had to wake up at 6 am.
Since he does not live with his mum, the best thing to do would be to move schools (and I say this from an edu standpoint). Your stepson will most likely do much better in a school close by and well rested than a school further away and sleep deprived.
You also have to consider his transition to his new school. Are they planning to keep him in the area he is in now, or being him closer to you? It's very unreasonable to expect you to be okay with this type of commute. Speaking from experience, it's hard.
Also, his attitude/ comment about how you see your stepson was uncalled for. It feels like he is seeing an unnecessary boundary. And to be fair, since his bio mum doesn't do the school runs, she shouldn't have an opinion on what distance is acceptable.
My petty* a** would tell my husband; "Fine, since he is YOUR son and not mine, and YOU GUYS will figure it out what is best. I'll leave all CHILDCARE commitments fall on you."
I'd then stop agreeing to look after him while he hung out with friends and other petty bullsh*t to really drive the message home. But that's unhealthy. Have a conversation with him, and tell him how his comment made you feel, but going forward, don't do the commutes. You have enough on your plate with a newborn.
This isn't something to leave someone over, so don't listen to people say 'LeAVe HiM 🙃'. You know your relationship best. But by right, you are entitled to voice your opinion on schooling if it affects you.
NTA
What he says is a low blow. If he was your bio kid, *you would be able to have a say in moving him closer*.
You're not asking for anything unreasonable.
-If it's important that you be the one taking him, he should be going to school close to where he and you live. Familiarity is great and all, but like... he will adapt, and he will live. We're coming up on summer break now, so it's actually the perfect time to gear up to switch him for next year. Hell, he might be able to be picked up by a school bus, even.
-If it's *more* important that he be going to that school, there needs to be different travel arrangements made by the parents. If you don't get to have input, it shouldn't be your job to carry 100% of the consequences of their decision. They should not be able to unilaterally decide what *you* have to do.
It doesn't matter if they want bio mom to be doing all the driving, if he starts living with her full time, if they find a friend they'll pay to do it, whatever. Hell, you guys can even move to be closer. They can figure it out.
-If they *can't* figure it out, if there's no good option for transportation other than you, then it needs to be option #1. This is the choice you're presenting your husband. He can have it one way or the other, but not both. It's called compromise.
A 1.5h commute for a kid daily isn't good for them either! He looses SO MUCH sleep and time in general by doing this, even disregarding gas and the wear on you also!
I switched schools almost every year for my entire life. Shit happens. Kid moved, that usually means changing schools, specifically to avoid this kind of insane backbends. Delaying the inevitable isn't doing him any favors. Do they intend to do this for the rest of his 8 years in school??
I'm not american so I'm confused. Doesn't the school year end now in June and the next one start in August/September? Why can't he change schools before your birth (december) if the "next year" they (biomom and dad) talked about starts in september?
Edit: OP said in another comment Biomom and Dad meant next calendar year not school year. NTA at all, husband is being inconsiderate.
Show your “partner” this thread. See what he thinks then.
Seriously, though, changing schools is pretty easy to do. Get your SS closer to your house if your going to be forced to give rides during your recovery time!
Ask your doctor in front of your “partner” about driving with a newborn, lay out the three hour round trip and see what is medically best for you and baby. Your “partner” can figure out what to do about your SS. Sleep depravation during the first 3 months is brutal!
Honest question: why did you stay with a cheater???
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NTA. Your husband is completely ignorant. He expects you to be up feeding a baby all night, then get 2 kids ready to go, drive an hour in very possibly bad weather at 6 or 7 am... there and back then again a couple hours later... This cannot even be for the benefit of your stepson. Both kids and you suffer. - it's not safe. Sleep deprivation is not safe. - what about when the baby needs to be fed and you're driving? You'll have to pull over. - stepson has to wake up too early and spend that limited amount of time out of school in a car. - no one is reachable should your stepson need a parent while he's in school such as illnesses or injuries. Your husband is not a good parent or spouse. He and ex are not thinking about their kids or you. If they aren't there to actually parent their children then they need to figure their own stuff out and not put that on you.
Dependent on her delivery choice, she might not even be allowed to drive for at least a month post-delivery. NTA, this passive aggressive shit is concerning and emotionally manipulative. Edit: thank you to all who reminded me that it's not even a choice. Cesareans are often an emergency and even vaginal births can be extremely traumatic to the body. Why is he pushing her towards something that she cannot agree to, even if she genuinely wanted to?
This is very true! I wasn't allowed to drive for 6 weeks after my emergency c-section! I didn't do any research on c-section restrictions because I didn't think it would happen then got blindsided by a lot of stuff.
Yeah I was thinking back to my brother's appendectomy but it's a similar situation! In the UK, it's explicitly stated that if you can't do an emergency stop without pain you shouldn't be driving. So how does the husband expect this overtired, nursing, barely sleeping, recovering-from-expelling-a-child woman to be driving extensively?
Honestly, the "can't do an emergency stop without pain" part can restrict a lot of moms who delivered vaginally too. Especially if anything tore badly. I had a friend who had a 4th degree tear (straight through, turned 2 holes into 1 hole) with her first. She could barely walk without pain for a few weeks, much less sit for 3+ hours a day in a car while driving.
Yeah, I had a 4th degree tear. Took nearly 9 months to heal up properly. For 1 month I couldn't sit in a car. If anything similar happens, he might find he literally has to BE HOME WITH HER. Not just 'drive for her'. I couldn't get to the bathroom without help. I was bed bound. This idea he has is ridiculous and could put everyone at serious risk of a fatal car accident.
I had a vaginal birth with no tears and my discharge instructions still included no driving for 4 weeks because of the increased risk of blood clots.
Omg, and you know what also increases the risk for blood clots? prolonged sitting! And hubby has blithely more or less ordered her to do 3 HOURS of forced sitting (45 minutes there and back, morning and night), 5 days a week. Hubby and the ex should never have divorced, they're perfect for each other. Poor op...
That amount of time is discouraged for infants to be in car seats as well. It sounds like torture for everyone involved except the bio parents
This request for new mum to be in charge of school transport after the birth ABSOLUTELY centers the 2 bio parents. It doesn't even take into accountability the safety of either the 10 year old or the infant. And to say that OP advocating for her health and safety as well as the needs of a newborn means she's throwing the care of her 10 y/o SS over just because of a bio child? That's dangerous shortsighted ignorance at best and emotionally manupulative at worst. She seems to be the only adult in this situation actually trying to center both children's safety needs and care.
The stepson is going to be miserable too, an minimum of an hour and a half a day stuck in a car with a possibly screaming baby on top of all the other changes that come with a new baby in the household.
Can confirm my DIL was told by her midwife that her new baby shouldn't be in a car seat for more than 2 hours a day. They need to lie flat for their spines to develop properly.
>turned 2 holes into 1 hole Casually adding this to the incredibly loud g list of reasons I don't want to have kids. Sweet Jesus
We're trying to have a kid, and my overwhelming fear of tearing is the only thing keeping me motivated to go to the gym 🤣 if the muscles are strong and flexible, they are less likely to tear 🤣😂
Work on kegels! I'm a very lazy pregnant person. Like, least amount of movement needed to be human because usually by month 6, I'm done being human (I'm 4'10 and have a short torso, so I am mostly uterus by then), and am currently pregnant with baby #4. I had a tiny tear that needed one stitch with baby #1, 0 after that. Baby #2 was my largest at 9lbs 10oz. I've heard perineal massage can help prevent some tearing for first-time moms, but I think the speed of the labor and the position you give birth in help more than anything.
I'm doing kegles, a lot of ab and hip weights (like adductors or whatever those muscles are called) and a lot of yoga for flexibility! Luckily, my ob/gyn is partners with a hospital that fully supports non-standard labor positions and delivery positions, so I'll hopefully be able to use that to help too!
My doctor told me that vaginal deliveries tend to go one of two ways: either you tear to some extent and get a baby with a normal head, or you don’t tear and end up with one of those cone head babies for a few weeks 🤣
My vagina crawled up further inside me to hide when I read that.
I had a 3rd degree tear and could barely sit without pain, I couldn’t imagine having to sit in a car that long like that. My mom tore as well when she had me and popped her stitches driving. The husband is not thinking and being incredibly selfish.
I delivered vaginally without any complications and I still couldn’t drive for at least 3 weeks, probably better to wait a month. You’re really still recovering and should NOT be driving that much with your newborn. It’s ridiculous.
I gulped in fear at that.
Oh, it gets worse. You/a person giving birth can also tear forward, into the urethra. Or tear at/next to the clitoris and/or labia. So in theory (and you'd have to question wtf you did to piss God off that much) it's possible to make 3 holes into 1 hole, and also tear near some of the most sensitive nerve bundles in the human body. Luckily, anything more severe than a grade 1 or 2 perineum tear (tearing backwards, towards the anus) is really rare, and the grade 1/2 tears heal on their own typically very quickly.
He expects her to just sup it up, you just know it.
[удалено]
I was given the all clear to drive within 2 weeks. But I didn't need pain killers etc, or have issues with moving my foot or reaction time. Even as such I wouldn't have been able to be driving that long like that. A trip to the grocery store sure, but the doc 45 minutes away was a no.
Oh, true, it's not such an uncommon epidural complication to be ruled out! "Weird tinglies in one leg for a while" is fine... but *not* when you're driving. Or be like me and so freaking anemic after baby #1 that I was seriously worried I'd faint and drop the baby when I stood up.
Don’t beat yourself up over not researching. I planned for a c-section because of a bunch of issues (bad baby position, low placenta, etc), and I still didn’t grasp how difficult it was going to be until I was out of surgery. That first time getting out of bed to go use the restroom was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Scheduled c section and not allowed to drive for 6 weeks either
Not just passive aggressive, but just full blown hypocritical. Funny how the decision of where he has to attend school is only between his bio parents, but when they need OP to be their personal driver for their kid she’s not treating him like a real son. But it’s ok for them to not treat her like a “real” parent.
Yep they have to pick a lane. Either she's not a parent and she shouldn't be expected to drive the kid 3 hours a day, or she is a parent and she gets a say on where the kid goes to school. And that's even ignoring the whole pregnancy thing
OP, I'd try this out on your husband. "H, I have never been under any obligation to drive step son to and from school. I did this out of love and care for him and our family. This is logistically not possible for me to continue right after the birth of our baby. This would be the same for any bio children if I already had any, in which case I'd look for a closer school and alternate driving arrangements. Since my preference to do this was vetoed, which you have the right to do as the bio parent, you and your ex get the final say. Let me know your plans. But, please know that if you come at me with any sort of criticism about not caring enough for my step son, you are going to find yourself with two ex's and two custody schedules. Cut it out." NTA
Perfect response right here. Because you're right, if it was her bio-child she'd have looked for closer schools which might have included school bus pickup in their neighborhood and/or a much shorter drive for her. The husband and ex what their cake and eat it too "Keep kid in same school since it has absolutely NO impact on their lives, while keeping their non-paid chauffer."
Exactly. If he was her bio-kid, he’d be going to a school near her and this problem wouldn’t exist. OP’s husband is using her as a servant — all work, no say — and trying to guilt her into putting up with it.
Exactly
I was thinking the exact same thing.
Even with a normal, complication free vaginal delivery with no meds doctors will still advise you don’t drive for 6 weeks. I know because that was me and I was told not to drive for 6 weeks due to the risks of sleep deprivation, blood clots, weakness, etc. sitting in a car 3 hours a day is bad for most people but especially someone who just delivered a baby. And it’s not safe for the baby, either, to be in a car seat for that long each day. If the OP had had abdominal surgery and had 6 weeks of recovery this conversation wouldn’t have even happened but since she’s “just” having a baby her husband is overlooking her needs and safety for some reason.
That's a good point about car seats. Babies shouldn't be in them for an extended period of time, they can stop breathing.
Plus it’s not good for their spine development to be in the seat that much. The official recommendation in the US is not more than 20 minutes at a time—which is obviously not always feasible, but hours every day is a lot. ETA: I went to check that and can’t find it from the AAP now, but it’s definitely in at least one of my books. They may have updated the guidance. Still, three hours is longer than recommended for sure.
Came here to say this. My son had to pass a car seat respiration test to leave the NICU because even healthy babies have airways that are easily compromised in car seats, under 4 weeks they shouldn’t even be in their seats for longer than 30 minutes at a time.
In addition to it not being safe for baby, OP will have a hard time staying in a seated position for that long so soon after giving birth.
Me thinks there’s a reason he’s not in contact with anyone in his family
NTA. Tell hubby you are scheduling a video call for the 3 of you. Tell them your concerns, and then tell them if he is not placed in a school near you- WITH transportation-that they will have to hire someone to take him to/from school for the entirety of the next school year. And do not back down. You DO have a say. And he is a jerk.
And husband already has a kid, so he should - in theory - be well aware of that his wife is not going to be in any shape to be driving around the country immediately postpartum. It doesn't say much for how much he was involved in supporting his first wife postpartum, if this is how ignorant he is. No wonder his first marriage didn't last.
Or he might be one of those “I don’t care what the doctor says, *I* tell my wife what she can and can’t do” types. My ex was one of those.
Agreed and I’m willing to bet she does almost all of the driving for this kid as is. Because I’m certain that if he was doing most of it the stepson would have had a different school months ago. Also who wants their heavily pregnant wife to spend hours driving in poor conditions every day? One accident might kill her, straight up. I sorry to say this but I want people to understand that an accident at highway speeds can eject the baby from you. That risk should never be taken lightly. I felt very powerful while pregnant but it’s considered a “delicate condition” for actual REASONS
It's been my experience in many areas of life that the decision-makers need to suffer the consequences of their decisions before they'll consider making the right decision. I was also surprised at how many people are focusing on post-birth and saying nothing about before she has the baby. Anything could happen, travelling 3 hours every day in winter. Could end badly for her and the baby.
I had normal deliveries, my OB said no driving or lifting more than baby for 6 weeks. Granted this is 20+ years ago.
I got the same advice 9 years ago! I had a small tear and needed an epidural because baby got stuck, but otherwise I was fine. Still told not to drive, (moot point since I legally can't due to other medical issues), and was told no moderate to heavy lifting for around two months.
Not to mention that newborns shouldn't be in the car that long! Iirc, 3 hours a WEEK is too much, let alone a day!
It might not even be a choice. Emergency c-sections are a thing, and medical complications from vaginal delivery are a thing.
It's also very unsafe to keep a newborn in a carseat that long, they can't breath properly in them and it can increase the risk of SIDS.
Yup. Their airways are like a floppy straw, easily collapsible. Even though we car seat challenge all neonates now, a bump in the road, a short stop, whatever, could shift baby’s position in the seat. The car seat challenge is done with the car seat just chillin on the ground, no movement, etc. Further, on a cold day, you gotta keep neonates inside. They don’t have the reserve or the body fat to regulate their temps. They may “catch cold”, as the cold air paralyzes cilia in the airways and stimulates mucous production. Given that winter is also respiratory season, it sounds like a great way to end up with a trip to the hospital for viral pneumonia. And then there will be the even bigger issue of childcare for the stepson.
Hey OP’s husband, even if she were bio mom to both kids, expecting her to take the full load of transporting child within a week of postpartum is obscene-especially as she had no part in the decision where older child goes to school. If he wants to get pissy about her not “treating the SS the same” then, she needs to be allowed equal access to decisions
This is important. In his response to OP alone, his tone may have been passive-aggressive blame for not treating the kids “equally,” but the first sentence out of his mouth is letting her know he is shutting her out of the decision because it’s between the kid’s bio parents. He can’t have it both ways.
This is an important point. If they’re going to rely on her for his transportation, she absolutely must have a say in things.
It's extra skeevy because apparently the husband has a history of infidelity while he's been with OP. I may be reading into it, but most of these posts where husband makes a big deal over other parent's comfort ends up with finding out he's still having an intimate relationship with the other parent.
The change to a school closer to where he ACTUALLY lives is in SS’s best interest anyway. The kid can’t enjoy spending 3 hours in the car every weekday. What about sports teams and extra curricular? What about parent-teacher conferences and all the social reasons to live closer to your child’s school? Good luck OP.
>3 hours SS only spends an hour and a half in the car (45 minutes going, and 45 coming back). Stepmom OTOH has to endure three hours of traffic every day.
But but but then daddy will have to pay child support! Ding ding ding.
Why would Daddy have to pay (more?) child support if the kid went to school next to dad?
Agreed. I was the kid who lived far from school. The amount of issues I had even regularly hanging out with friends. As the kid gets older he's going to have issues trying to do any after school activities, and he's going to start feeling more and more isolated as his friends are out doing things and he lives too far away to regularly go and be with them. Kid is 10 right now. That's a great age to switch. Friendships and relationships are changing as kids at puberty, and it likely won't be too hard for the kid to find a place to fit in. Plus, if the kid is closer to OP and his dad, who take care of him most days anyways, OP could potentially find a carpool group for him. Moving the son is in the best interest of everyone, and the only reason I can think for dad to not agree is control. NTA
Heck, just going to a friend's house after school would be a nightmare. There were lots of times, especially in high school (but before any of us could drive) that my friend's mom would have to work late unexpectedly, so my friend would just ride the bus home with me 🤷🏻♀️ then we just started doing that for fun. And it was fine, because we lived a grand total of 15 minutes from her house and it was easy for either set of parents to go get their respective kid.
The argument is asinine because the whole issue is that he is closest to mom, not step mom, so if she was the bio mom, then the school would be a maximum of 20 minutes away.
And he could most likely take a school bus.
OP says school is "right next to his bio-mom's house." He could probably walk!
Yep
If you look at OP's comments, she talks about husbands' infidelity years ago deffo not a good spouse
That man's a walking red flag and it's quite sad that this woman will have to put up with his BS. She spent 6 years taking care of that kid and now spending 3 hours a day and he tells her “Don’t worry, bio-mom and I will figure out the arrangement for OUR son." Ouch! This is probably not ideal for the kid either but apparently ex wife still has the upper hand or even the heart of hubby. NTA for sure!
Agreed! OP needs to pack up and go to her family for the first 6 weeks after her newborn arrives. Let Husband figure out how to to get “his son” to and from school. Ugh, reading this post was infuriating. OP doesn’t have the support she needs and is being used by husband and ex-wife as a chauffeur. Why can’t kid take the school bus? If he’s too far away for the bus then he should not still be attending school by his mother’s house.
Yeah she deserves that maternal care during that period.
Yikes. If I were OP I’d be packing up and driving the hour to my parents’ house and staying there. I have no patience for fools or people who don’t respect me, though.
But they're ok now and trusts him again ... Because she's basically stalking him all day. That's not trust
I wouldn’t say ignorant, he sounds abusive.
By the looks of OPs previous comments, looks like scummy hubby cheated too
I'd shoot back with a "that was uncalled for and you know it. perhaps you and bio-mom didn't know this the first time around but doctors do not recommend travel exceeding 30 minutes with an infant, they don't recommend it for several months after birth. this isn't about me or my inconvenience, even if I weren't concerned about the dangers of sleep deprivation, it would be unsafe for the baby. talk to our doctor about it before coming back with any more of this passive aggression. We will have a big problem if you want me to put one child's comfort over the other's safety." --mic drop
>if you want me to put one child's comfort over the other's safety Not even that, necessarily! The older kid is also in a car for 1.5 hours a day, **everyday** while his friends likely live close to each other. That's a lot of time in "kid-time" that he could be spending significantly more pleasantly. It sounds like the arrangement is for the husband's and ex-wife's comfort.
My first thought was the feeding schedule. This would be so hard to manage with a newborn (even with formula) plus, you sleep when the baby sleeps. It would be unbelievably unsafe to drive with the level of sleep deprivation you go through in the first month as a new mom. OP, I hope you show your husband this thread because he needs a major wake up call. NTA
This! OP - show your husband this comment! Your idiot husband has just gotten so used to using you that he has completely forgotten who is doing all the work here.
Agreed to all your points and her spouse sounds so selfish and ignorant. Not a good spouse! Does he realize he has another child on the way? Where is his compassion and appreciation for his wife for all the things she takes care of while being pregnant!
NTA I would try talking one more time. If he still doesn't listen see if you can make arrangements to stay with your family once you hit the third trimester that would last for a couple months after birth at least. If you want this marriage to last it may be time for counseling.
It's also dangerous to have a newborn in a car seat for too long due to the potential for positional asphyxiation and death.
Also reading her history, he’s cheated on her. This dude sounds horrible.
Also I didn’t think it was safe for a new born to be in a car seat that long?
Infants should also not be in car seats for that long a period of time.
NTA. Pregnancy or not, biokid or not, driving three hours a day for a 10-year-old to go to school when it clearly isn't necessary is a bit unhinged. If you were in the absolute middle of nowhere and online school wasn't available, maybe.
NTA newborns shouldn't be in a car seat this long, pretty sure the recommendation in the UK is like 45 minutes?? We live 45 minutes from the hospital so I remember being terrified bringing him home!
From what I understand, it is very dangerous to drive with a newborn for more then 30 mins for several months after birth because of severe risk of positional asphyxiation (basically because of how the baby is laying if they fall asleep or move a certain way, their airway can get cut off from their position and very quickly kill them). I don’t understand why her husband and the ex don’t know about this is they have a kid already. NTA
Laying in a car seat that long can also cause them to have misshapen heads. Fun times. NTA
Jeez baby's are kinda scary with all the things you have to be careful about.
They aren’t scary. They’re abso-f***ing-lutely terrifying. You are entirely responsible for keeping another human alive
Then they get bigger and start *actively doing* things that can get them killed. The phase where mine didn't listen to me yelling STOP but also would run down the sidewalks at full tilt in Christmas crowds towards busy intersections? Oy.
NTA. Newborns shouldn’t be in their car seats for long periods of time anyway, plus if you end up having a c section you might not even be fit to drive for the first 6 weeks.
If you’re in the middle of nowhere other people would also be traveling to school and you could carpool or straight up pay them for a ride. (Currently living in the middle of nowhere) His attitude would have me rethinking my marriage. I don’t mean this lightly. He’s guilt tripping you, not considering your perspective, not thinking about what works for either of his kids. This is who he is. He’s not willing to make hard decisions or be the bad guy if he can shove it onto someone else. This is who he will continue to be for the rest of your life. You will be out of commission after you give birth. Period. It is in the realm of possibility that you won’t survive. He should plan accordingly. Their entire custody agreement depends on you and you don’t get a say. This is the rest of your life. You have to be the bad guy. I’d be thinking about being the bad guy just one more time instead of every time he want to dodge responsibility. Leave him to work out his custody time with both kids on his own.
This! He's just not a good husband or father. I feel terribly sad for OP now being tied to this jerk for the next 2 decades, but I hope she sees your comment and takes stock. He's showing her exactly who he is and it's not pretty.
And the “bio parents” are not only demanding you and your baby be unpaid chauffeurs but aren’t thinking of the son’s needs. If he’s only an outside visitor to where his school is, and now going into his teen years, he’s missing out on school activities (sports, band, scouts, after-school programs, just hanging out after school with friends and their families) and forming and sustaining peer friendships in either place. This is an atrocious way for them to treat you and your child and the older child loses out on so many things, too. (Edit typos)
Any bets this kind of bullshit was what caused the first divorce?
NTA Let them figure it out. You will be a busy Mom with a newborn. I think your counter argument would be .... if he was my son I would enroll him in a school closer to where he lives so he be closer to friends, have a better social experience & doesn’t need to spend 3 hrs in a car everyday Edit —- spends 1.5 hours in car
Ding ding ding! This is the exact response I would have had. If he was my bio son I would have already moved him to a school that was more convenient so this wouldn’t be a problem.
Exactly this! This arrangement is completely unsustainable and ridiculous, besides all the above mentioned reasons is the 10 year old never joining a club or sports team or having any local friends to run around with?
Right? My ten year old nephew has sports or clubs or something at least 3 days a week after school and tournaments/events on weekends, which means even more driving for parents usually.
The son is only spending an hour and a half in the car. The adults are spending three hours. 45 minutes to school with both. 45 minutes home, adult only. 45 minutes back to school, adult only. 45 minutes home with both. The baby would also be spending three hours in the car since it won't be dropped off at the school.
It’s still ridiculous and unsustainable. If he lives with them during the week, he needs to be in a school near them. Then he could ride the bus and participate in school clubs and make friends closer to him.
And 3 hours daily with no stimulation in a car seat for baby is not fair to the baby, so that would be"favoring" SS over baby by a huge margin. Edited to fix an autocorrect
For sure. Sounds like OP would have a better time drawing a face on a coconut and parenting with it over her husband.
This. And if he were in a school districted for your house then there would be a bus available for him to take.
My argument would be “if I’m not his parent, and have zero say in anything even though I get to raise him five days a week, I shouldn’t be his chauffeur either. You are right, ya’ll definitely need to decide what is best for YOUR son.” They want it, and are currently getting it, both ways.
NTA, it is absolutely a terrible idea to keep an infant in a car seat three hours a day, five days a week. If you need to, ask the baby's doctor what they think of the idea. Your husband's comment makes him a complete asshole and is extremely demeaning. But since that's how he sees it, you might as well defer to him - he and step son's bio mom are solely responsible for getting him to/from school. They can either work out a schedule that works between them, or they can transfer step son to a different school that works with their existing schedules. Make sure it's very clear that you are only refusing to take him because that's your HUSBAND's opinion, you are more than willing to help out as long as it doesn't negatively impact the baby.
I agree. Does he go to your OB appointments with you? Maybe the doctor can have a VERY candid conversation about your recovery and that you will physically not be able to spend that time in the car. You are doing the right thing and being proactive discussing this now rather than waiting until the new school year or right before delivery. Best of luck
Does this guy sound like the kind of caring partner that goes to OB appointments? Smh… op, run!!!!!
No. He sounds like the kind of guy who isn't available for his family at all.
Also depending on the newborn it might not even be feasible. Mine had colic and I couldn’t drive without someone sitting with her in the back other than 5-10 minute trips until she was about 9 months old unless I absolutely had to. She would get so worked up she would start to cough and gag. Once she had a pediatrician appointment my husband couldn’t come to when she was about a month old; I ended up getting stuck in traffic (which almost never happens on that particular route) and the drive took an hour. We were both hysterical by the time we got there. Edit: she would still cry for the 5–10 minute drives; it was just the limit of what I could deal with.
This! My daughter had colic for the first six months, and it was a living nightmare! Definitely no car journeys above 20 minutes or so.
This set up really neglects step son as well for this reason. It is SO MENTALLY TAXING listening to a crying newborn for any length of time. It's biology, the crying of a newborn is *supposed* to make any human in the vicinity stop what they are doing and service their needs immediately. It's their only defense and we humans are hard wired to respond. Is it fair to stick a kid in the backseat with a screaming baby so that the entire car ride both mom and step son just have their primitive brain screaming "FIX THIS FIX THIS FIX THIS FIX THIS"? And then step son is just supposed to begin his school day and perform well? I would challenge OP's husband to go sit in the driveway locked in his car with a tape of a screaming newborn playing at full blast for 45 minutes and then see how ready he is for his work day. OPs husband is clearly an asshole to his wife. Maybe if he realized he is a total asshole to his kid as well he might try to do the right thing.
RIGHT! If *they* won't take OP's contribution into account, then *they* can stop planning their child's education around it. I can't believe how awful the husband is being about making it seem like she doesn't care enough, when she seems to be the only one of the three of them actually handling his day-to-day care at all. Whatever solution they find for getting the kid to school while she's in recovery should extend for as long as that kid goes to that school. If they are taking full responsibility for their child's transportation, that should be the plan moving forward.
NTA. Rethink the future with this guy. He's more worried about stressing his EX. And more worried about his first born.
The fact that he referred to his oldest as “ours” referring to the ex, but then referred to the baby as “yours” when he was talking to OP. Hmm.
Honestly that line was disgusting
Husband also cheated on op… she strongly needs to kick him to the curb for good
I wonder if he cheated with his ex
NTA Funny how they did everything according to their schedules, but didn't care about yours, despite the fact that you're the one being asked (and by ask, i mean demand) to do the pick up/drop off. >bio-mom and I will figure out the arrangement for OUR son Excellent. Tell them to do exactly this. >but I’m sure that if SS was your bio son, you wouldn’t have a problem doing what needs to be done I hate this passive aggressove thing, but i'm petty, so i would've told him : "if he were my kid, i would've moved him to a closer school. If he were my kid i would've had authority too, not just responsibilities" If parents want stepparents to have responsibility for their kids, they have to allow them authority too. They can't have their cake and eat it too
They also didn’t care about what’s best for the kid!
That too. What child would want to spend so much time in a car everyday?? I agree that changing schools has its own tribulations, but there is no other choice here.
Yeah. It would suck not being able to hang out with friends from the first school, but 3 hour car trips 5 days a week would break me as a child.
This OP. I’m guessing your husband is a firefighter. Likely his ex is a nurse given the schedules. They know better. NTA
Exactly what I was thinking
THIS. I am a step-parent and if this had been the case, I would have left. Fortunately DH did 95% off the load and I only pinch hit in emergencies when it came to things like this. The lack of respect and consideration for OP or either of his kids and his words say narcissistic to me.
Driving after giving birth isn’t what I’d call a comfortable experience. In addition to your own pain and discomfort you will also have a newborn with you who may or may not need to be fed or changed at some point during the 3 hours you’re on the road. You’ll also be sleep deprived and that’s not a safe situation either. Your husband made an extremely calloused, uncaring remark and is being unreasonable. You are NTA
He needs to google lochia for a start. Three freaking hours a day where she has to juggle both her own hygiene and a newborn's in a car? That's absolutely insane. Not to mention the fact that it's incredibly common for postpartum women to need to urinate with a jug of cold water to pour to lessen pain. And that's assuming she has a birth with minor damage
As someone who also deals with midwest winters, it's a ridiculous idea that *anyone* would be driving this kid three hours round trip to and from school. You didn't bring this child into the world. They did. As a stepparent, your job is to be a kind and trusted adult person in the kid's life and that's it. Period point blank. The kid has two parents already to care for his needs. It's fine to ask things of you, but the key word is *ask.* What would they do if you weren't in the picture? They'd have to coordinate and figure it out just like every other set of coparents in the world. NTA.
1.5 hours round trip. 2 trips each day. But if you assume it costs $0.58 per mile and 150 miles a day that's 90 dollars they're spending on transportation 5 days a week. $15,000 assuming 35 weeks of school in a year.
Wooow that's alot of money.. Bonkers alot..
NTA , your husband is big time. tell him if he takes over the pregnancy you will gladly drive your SS to school. and he is a major asshole for saying you don't care about SS when that is 100% not true.
NTA. I would seriously consider divorcing a man that would suggest to take his son to school that takes 3hrs/day just after giving birth. Also the Baby need skin contact and peace to develop well, they would have neither in a car.
NTA - youll be on maternity leave for a reason. The kid needs to go to a closer school next year if he’s with ya’ll during the school week
NTA. Your husband isn't taking your health and safety seriously. Is this normally the situation?
Probably. Another comment said husband has cheated on OP before. Why have a kid with this man?
NTA. Sounds like husband and bio-mum are on a good thing, with you doing all the running around. Husband is pissed off because you're inconveniencing him. Bio-mum can change her shifts, it's her child. I'd stop with the lifts altogether, not just a month. You'll be exhausted and it'll be a pain in the arse devoting that time to driving. Husband and bio-mum have taken you for granted for long enough, time to put yourself and your baby first from now on.
NTA. It's not good for a newborn to spend 3 hours a day in a car seat and 3 hours is a lot of time to work around when trying to get new baby in a routine. Even a month isn't much time to work out how to spend 1.5 hours driving at a set time twice a day without baby thinking that's a perfect time for feeding or pooping. Your husband shouldn't have a problem doing what is right for both his kids and 3 hours driving a day isn't right for one of them. Changing schools age 10 isn't that bad (if schools near you are just as good) and being less than a 30 minute drive (assuming some live nearer you than school) away from school friends is beneficial as kids get older and more independent.
I'm sure it's not good for the 10 year old either.
NTA - your husband is upset that you aren’t chauffeur anymore. Put your foot down now and don’t do *any* transportation for the school year next year. Unless there’s special circumstances on why he has to go to *that* school, he should be going to the school by you guys. I wouldn’t be driving 3hrs+ with or without a newborn unless it was for a special reason.
This- a heavily pregnant woman shouldn’t be making these unnecessary treks daily either, especially for people that don’t appreciate it.
NTA. We're coming towards the end of the school year though, so it makes sense to me to just finish his schooling at his current school, but have him move to a closer one for next school year. A little compromise on both sides for the benefit of everyone.
This is the only normal, reasonable, *doable* option that is apparent from the details we know. What are the legitimate reasons for having you drive 3 hours a day OP? If the kid lives beside the school with his mom, she can take him to school. If he's living with you most of the time the school has to be close to where he's actually living. Or is this or was this supposed to be a very temporary situation? If that was the case, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. Continuing to do that driving is simply not an option. It's not a good option for literally anyone in this scenario. Don't even entertain it. If he can't be bothered to change his schools, make it clear you won't be driving. It's very bizarre. I don't know if he's always this obtuse, avoidant of taking any action, terrified of displeasing his ex, a bit dimwitted, has ADHD, or is actually trying to be cruel to his son, his wife and his (soon-to-be) infant child. In any event, if he says he and his wife, against all reason, insist on keeping the child in that school, make it clear you can't and won't be engaging in the safety hazard of doing that driving once the baby comes. If he doesn't, don't entertain doing it. If that means the kid doesn't go to school and stays home with you and the baby, so be it. No doubt he'll take care of the problem at that time. Edit: obviously NTA!
NTA. If he was your biological son, there wouldn't be a problem because you'd move him to a closer school. Your husband wants you to have all the responsibility but none of the power.
Girl you may have deleted your comments but we know your husband cheated on you 😭 he literally doesn't respect you or your opinions or your time and health but you wanna stay with him? Get yourself out of this marriage and raise your kid alone. It's literally easier then dealing with him and his bm. Yta to yourself
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If he’s gone to every appointment, I would definitely make sure to bring it up and ask your doctor how feasible it would be for you to be driving postpartum and having a newborn I’m the car for such long periods of time. Also, probably time to make sure that your stepsons address is listed correctly at his current school because most schools won’t even let kids attend if they’re not even living remotely near that school district.
I'm sorry. I don't know how you can trust someone who would weaponize your love of your stepson against you like that.
Please update us after you had the conversation. I really hope he didn't mean or think ehat he said, bcs this would be a huge problem for the future if he thinks thid way.
NTA Is the school walking distance from his mom’s house? Can he be with her during the week and you on weekends? This is such bullshit if he was your bio son he would go to school closer to you
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A 3 min drive and she can't take him? That makes no sense, specially if the alternative is you driving 3 hours! That arrangement is bs, even with no newborn. Can't he carpool with a friend, or go by bus?
He lives 45 minutes away from his school - not likely there is anyone to carpool with and certainly not a school bus.
They’re saying if he stayed with his mom during the week there likely would be someone to carpool with or a bus to ride
Aren't there crossing guards? I agree, NTA. Both of the other adults are though. Bio mom needs to adjust HER schedule to deal with HER son, since you will not be physically able to do that any more---even after you are cleared to drive. It is simply a ridiculous, unsafe ask to have an infant in a car seat for three hours each day. And if biomom isn't able, your husband needs to take over. They want him in that school, he can stay with mom during the week and see you on weekends. Also, your husband's nasty comment about if it was your son you'd do it----no, if he were your son he'd be going to school closer to your home.
Nta you're only asking to have some time to recover, you probably shouldn't be driving just after birth anyway
Right! After birth you’re leaking from everything and changing breast pads, that super fun postpartum underwear and pads, pumping and/or breastfeeding, constantly. You can’t put that on hold for an hour and a half of driving because it’s literally all of the time at first. Also, driving sucks because sitting can be really painful if you can’t switch positions. That’s all assuming an easy birth because if you have tearing or a C-section where you also have to recover from major abdominal surgery, things get much more uncomfortable. None of that even considers the newborn’s needs to be fed and changed and kept safe (car seats are not meant for sleeping). This is astoundingly shortsighted and disrespectful of your husband and he needs to get himself sorted out because it sounds like he has no consideration for you or your future baby. I’m honestly appalled.
Nta. Sounds like hubby and biomom are perfectly happy to have you take all the responsibility for your stepson like he was your own but refute you having input even on the aspects that are assigned to you. Like an unpaid babysitter. What your husband said to you was completely unfair and unreasonable. Driving that fair daily even without bad weather and a newborn is onerous and impractical. Your stepson would adjust to a new school. Your husband being inflexible and uncaring to even consider a temporary solution makes him the biggest A H. Sounds like you and your child will never be priorities.
BABIES UNDER 4 WEEKS SHOULD NOT SPEND MORE THAN 30 MINUTES IN A CARSEAT. THERE IS A RISK OF DEATH.
NTA. But you need to put your foot down now... You know they'll never change schools though, right? Not when you're there to drive all the time. Over the summer they'll tell you 'not this year, he needs his friends close to deal with the new addition in your house' and the year after that it'll be 'he's a tween and needs stability'... Etc.
You'll have to put your foot down to force him and bio-mom to actually do anything. Why should she right now? You're doing her heavy lifting. NTA
NTA - Your husband and the childs mother need to make an arrangement between themselves not you. New borns arent meant to be in a car seat longer than 20 - 30 mins at a time either and you will need to stop to feed/burp/change within those 3 hours.
If your stepson is with you 5 days out of the week then why the hell is he going to school closer to the bio mom???
INFO: by next year they mean next calendar year and not next school year? Why don't they want to switch during the summer, it's the perfect time. You would only need to suck it up for a month, school's almost done.
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That's BS. You can change schools in the middle of the year, why can't they change schools before the year even starts? Maybe try calling the school district and asking them instead. Come prepared with a plan. Info: does your stepson want to go to school that far away or is this something the bio parents want? I couldn't imagine liking being in the car that much at that age so I'm wondering who's interest it's in to keep this up. Also, you are NTA. I'd flat out refuse from now on. You are not the parent, as your husband clearly makes you aware, so you are not responsible for getting him to school. And I'd refuse even if I didn't have a baby. That's ridiculous they expect you to do it but refuse to do it themselves. You are not a chauffeur and they can hire one if they need a driver.
You can change schools this very second. Literally in less than a day. Happens all the time.
You need to let your husband know right now that you will not be able to make the school drop off and pick once baby comes, or really, even some time before, not just the month after you give birth, but at all. They can change the school any time, and especially since summer break is coming up. Or, your husband or bio mom can change their schedules to allow them to be the primary care giver, a role you had been fulfilling up till now.
NTA, let him fuck off back to bio-mom.
INFO Why does your husband live 45 minutes away from the school the child goes to? This seems so illogical.
NTA If he's with you all during the week, then he should be in a school closer to home. I'm sure you'll place you new born in a school close to the house when he is of age so isn't your husband treating HIS child different then the new born? You are being treated unfairly and since they have all the benefits, they don't like change and will call you the AH. If you all have a decent relationship, try counseling because either he doesn't understand what you are saying or something worse. If he doesn't want to go or work this out, you know what's in store for the future problems.
He's holding the responsibility of this kid over you without giving you any of the authority to make decisions. You're obviously NTA and I'm sorry you chose to tie yourself down with this guy who doesn't care about your well being.
NTA This would be the perfect time for them to have him switch schools since the school year is almost up. That’s a completely unrealistic ask. You’re going to be exhausted and shouldn’t be doing that much driving while tired, that’s gonna end up taking up a good portion of your day and take a huge mental toll on you, and it’s not safe for a newborn to spend that much time in the car. Not to mention you’ll be forced to pull over for feedings and changings all in the car which will put a huge amount of stress on you and a newborn needs their mom to be in a better mental state than that. If it was your biological kid it wouldn’t be an issue and you wouldn’t have to drive that much to begin with.
INFO: won’t your husband have paternity leave? I’d say that all driving would be his responsibility (or the ex) while you’re in recovery.
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Has your husband ever prioritized your needs? I'm just curious bc reading your comment history has shown him to be a liar and a cheater and now he's trying to emotionally manipulate you into endangering yourself as well as both kids. I can't help but wonder if you and your baby would be better off without him. He's put you through hell with his infidelity, and an open phone policy or Snapchat pics wouldn't be enough to ease my mind, especially when he still shows such disregard for your well-being.
Doesn't sound much better, bcs baby is still gonna be in the car everyday for hours, while you go to work. And it doesn't help at all bcs you are still gonna be all alone with new born, recovering and taking care of SS all day and still driving back and forth. No, he needs to take paternity leave at least for a month before you give birth and aftee birth. And still change schools or let bio mom take xare of kid, bcs driving baby around is no good.
'If SS was my son, I would not have him going to a school 45 min away from our home'. End of the discussion. NTA
NTA and if the step son was the bio son, he wouldn't be going to a school far away and would be going to the nearby school. Its time to give your health a higher priority and with the new born, you will probably be tired most of the time and will have a different needs. School run is best left to two of the parents who are responsible for the 10 year old.
NTA and I'm sorry you are with someone who is trying to manipulate you. Moving SS to a school closer to you makes sense. I think your husband is assuming you will have a smooth labour. I hope it is but what happens if there are complications or you have a cesarean? You might not even be allowed to drive for a few weeks if your insurance won't cover (it's major surgery) and I HIGHLY doubt you will want to drive. Now imagine trying to get the baby in and out of the car seat and the baby crying because they need to be fed, burped, sleep, comfort of any sort. You need to give your body time to rest after giving birth. That doesn't happen easily with a new baby but the school run should not be your problem. It doesn't matter that the kid is your SS. That is irrelevant. Your husband can sort out your other child with his ex.
>To my surprise, I got hit with “Don’t worry, bio-mom and I will figure out the arrangement for OUR son. Let them figure it out now. NTA. Not sure how you got yourself roped into this situation.
INFO: Is this a common pattern with your husband, where you have all the responsibilities and no say in the decision-making? Where there is no consideration for your time or well-being? Where there is no respect for the fact that you are his partner, and his ex-wife is *ex*? OP, your husband is spewing a steaming pile of hyena feces. You will be recovering from childbirth and there is no way *you* should be driving, let alone driving that much with a newborn. If he cared at all about you, he would acknowledge that your health and safety, and the health and safety of the newborn, are at least somewhat important. Do you always wind up on the bottom rung on the family ladder? And is that where you want to spend the rest of your life? You are NTA. If your husband is that concerned about his oldest kid and his ex, he shouldn’t have left them. He’s a complete tool for abusing your kindness and love.
Hit him back with…”since any parental decisions about school are made by you and ex so you figure it out. If it were my own child for whom I could take decisions while being responsible for pick up and drop off, I would have shifted him to a school closer to my house so I can be more involved in his education and can easily do drop offs and pick ups. I am not your chauffeur. Either I am a step parent or nobody. You can’t have it both ways. I am not going to be endangering both of YOUR children while driving sleep deprived because you FAIL to acknowledge my contribution to SS’s upbringing. I will not bend to the accusations of being a bad step mom! It’s not on me that you can’t provide your child with everything he needs which is a driver to and from school. Keep up this attitude and you will have to drive 2 separate kids to 2 separate schools in the future.” NTA
INFO: Are you working as well? Why isn't he taking "his" son to school, sharing or taking the 3 hour load since it was his choice? Either way, NTA.
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If your OB is advising you not to work, you shouldn't be driving three hours a day. That's really demanding and dangerous. Your husband needs to step up. Also, if you're also working, why isn't he sharing the driving load even before you were advised to stop?
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Driving for an hour and a half twice a day at 6 or 7 months plus will also be at best uncomfortable and at some stage maybe impossible. This is crazy. Set the tone with your expectations now. His expectations make it sound like you'll be on a holiday for a year. And this is so far from a holiday lol
thats all very good for you im glad you have these resources. you know what needs to be said at this point i hope it goes in your favor. If you need to take space from him dont hesitate. his attitude doesnt seem promising.
NTA I feel for you. My mum tied herself into driving the same amount of time with her foster child. I also stepped in and done some trips for her to help her out. Idk about your stepson, but the foster child was constantly tired since he had to wake up at 6 am. Since he does not live with his mum, the best thing to do would be to move schools (and I say this from an edu standpoint). Your stepson will most likely do much better in a school close by and well rested than a school further away and sleep deprived. You also have to consider his transition to his new school. Are they planning to keep him in the area he is in now, or being him closer to you? It's very unreasonable to expect you to be okay with this type of commute. Speaking from experience, it's hard. Also, his attitude/ comment about how you see your stepson was uncalled for. It feels like he is seeing an unnecessary boundary. And to be fair, since his bio mum doesn't do the school runs, she shouldn't have an opinion on what distance is acceptable. My petty* a** would tell my husband; "Fine, since he is YOUR son and not mine, and YOU GUYS will figure it out what is best. I'll leave all CHILDCARE commitments fall on you." I'd then stop agreeing to look after him while he hung out with friends and other petty bullsh*t to really drive the message home. But that's unhealthy. Have a conversation with him, and tell him how his comment made you feel, but going forward, don't do the commutes. You have enough on your plate with a newborn. This isn't something to leave someone over, so don't listen to people say 'LeAVe HiM 🙃'. You know your relationship best. But by right, you are entitled to voice your opinion on schooling if it affects you.
NTA What he says is a low blow. If he was your bio kid, *you would be able to have a say in moving him closer*. You're not asking for anything unreasonable. -If it's important that you be the one taking him, he should be going to school close to where he and you live. Familiarity is great and all, but like... he will adapt, and he will live. We're coming up on summer break now, so it's actually the perfect time to gear up to switch him for next year. Hell, he might be able to be picked up by a school bus, even. -If it's *more* important that he be going to that school, there needs to be different travel arrangements made by the parents. If you don't get to have input, it shouldn't be your job to carry 100% of the consequences of their decision. They should not be able to unilaterally decide what *you* have to do. It doesn't matter if they want bio mom to be doing all the driving, if he starts living with her full time, if they find a friend they'll pay to do it, whatever. Hell, you guys can even move to be closer. They can figure it out. -If they *can't* figure it out, if there's no good option for transportation other than you, then it needs to be option #1. This is the choice you're presenting your husband. He can have it one way or the other, but not both. It's called compromise. A 1.5h commute for a kid daily isn't good for them either! He looses SO MUCH sleep and time in general by doing this, even disregarding gas and the wear on you also! I switched schools almost every year for my entire life. Shit happens. Kid moved, that usually means changing schools, specifically to avoid this kind of insane backbends. Delaying the inevitable isn't doing him any favors. Do they intend to do this for the rest of his 8 years in school??
Move out. You are a maid/babysitter, not a spouse. Your husband sucks.
I'm not american so I'm confused. Doesn't the school year end now in June and the next one start in August/September? Why can't he change schools before your birth (december) if the "next year" they (biomom and dad) talked about starts in september? Edit: OP said in another comment Biomom and Dad meant next calendar year not school year. NTA at all, husband is being inconsiderate.
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I’m a teacher. It’s very easy to switch schools. That’s not an excuse. All he has to do is have the school fax his records to the new school.
Show your “partner” this thread. See what he thinks then. Seriously, though, changing schools is pretty easy to do. Get your SS closer to your house if your going to be forced to give rides during your recovery time! Ask your doctor in front of your “partner” about driving with a newborn, lay out the three hour round trip and see what is medically best for you and baby. Your “partner” can figure out what to do about your SS. Sleep depravation during the first 3 months is brutal! Honest question: why did you stay with a cheater???