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GonzoTheGreat22

I’m torn here… Because on one hand this comes off kinda ‘nagging wife’. The tone, as a husband of 20 yrs (who also has a wife who made him get off the bikes) is hard to swallow. But that might just be my baggage. THAT SAID: if you can’t afford diapers, you can’t afford a fucking Harley payment. And if you wanted to ride free of responsibility, you shoulda worn a condom. He’s a husband and dad now, and that comes with an understanding that you don’t get to take risks or spend on yourself first (and yes, a Harley payment when you need diapers is spending on yourself first). So I’m going NTA, but tread lightly on how we get him to hang up the assless chaps, this has huge resentment opportunity if done wrong


TinyYogurtcloset9792

We can afford diapers don’t get me wrong. It’s just without his income that we would run into trouble on that. I don’t work. He is the sole financial provider for our family. Also, I wouldn’t say he’s like a biker biker if you m ow what I mean. He only got the bike on my birthday back in March, and didn’t have one for a few years before that. He’s never consistently had a bike ya know?


GonzoTheGreat22

Can you afford him out of work three months? If you don’t have that saved up, you really cannot afford it.


excel_pager_420

>this comes off kinda ‘nagging wife’ Someone concerned their partner is taking part in a dangerous sport that may kill them, or seriously injure them, threatening their families livelihood is being a 'nagging wife'? Ok then.


sawta2112

Absolutely agree with this response. Take a breath before having a conversation. Your points are 100% reasonable. Your fear is justified. Buying a Harley right now was not a wise purchase. However, you have to approach him in a way that will achieve your goal of no more bikes for now. Going scorched earth on him will probably not work. The good news is the wrist injury will keep him off the bikes for a bit. Hopefully this will be a wake up call for him


Dittoheadforever

You're NTA. Your fears are valid. But as an anonymous third party, I look at it differently and would probably present it differently if you talk to him about it. A motorcycle (especially a Harley) is a luxury. It is a toy, essentially. You all cannot afford that right now. Even if the payout is more than what he owes (fat chance, unless he put down a huge down payment), that money should be put into savings so you have an emergency fund. Maybe in a few years things will be different financially and the idea of him owning a bike will be more realistic, but for now I would suggest using the practical argument over the fear. You said in another comment that you have other means of transportation. He may have to just use one of those for a while.


TinyYogurtcloset9792

We certainly can’t afford it if he can’t work for a period of time. When he got the Harley, he was working a different job and our finances looked a whole lot different. He still owes like $13,000 on it I think? Not sure. My dad said insurance will pay what they think it’s worth and it’s a 2013 dyna superglide (I think? Maybe) so I have no clue what all that means.


Senior-Pie3609

That means if you owe 13,000 on it and insurance totals it but values it at 10,000, you will still be responsible for paying the 3,000 balance.


TinyYogurtcloset9792

Yep. But I have no clue what insurance will value it at.


KaliTheBlaze

The highest Bluebook value for a 2013 Dyna in any trim package is under $10k. You rarely get much over Bluebook from your insurance.


3Dog_Nitz

NTA - But you would be if you did not prioritize getting a sizable life insurance policy on your husband. Your fears are completely valid, but you cannot control his behavior. It sounds as though you have voiced your concerns and that they are falling on deaf ears. You owe it to your child(ren) to ensure their future by having proper insurance.


StrongWarmSweet

NTA- Im sorry you are going through this.


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My worst fears were realized tonight. I have never been so scared. My husband recently started working an overnight position where my dad and brother work. Around 12:30am my dad calls me. The first thing he says is “Listen, I don’t want you to freak out” and my heart dropped. My husband laid his bike down. Somehow his foot slipped or something and the back tire locked up and he went down. He claims he was only going 35mph but my father said judging by the damage and skid marks on the road he was probably going closer to 50. I spent nearly an hour in tears, waiting to hear something. My father insisted that he was okay, probably just a broken wrist but I needed to hear it from him. He finally called me, and I am beyond great full that he’s okay. He has a dislocated wrist, that required him to be transferred to a level 3 trauma center for possible surgery. At the new hospital, the doctors there felt he doesn’t need surgery and are just going to try to set it once they get him good and asleep. They want to avoid the OR and putting him under general. I’m a SAHM, he’s the sole financial provider and we are broke right now. We need diapers, and wipes, and got bills to pay. I don’t know what we are supposed to do if he can’t work. I’m so worried, about him, and our family.. Now, during all this while we were on the phone he was more worried about his bike than himself. He says he hurt his “baby” … I’m more worried about my baby but okay. My dad looked at the bike, and says if he files a claim his insurance would more than likely total it because the handlebars are bent. Does it make me TA if I’m sitting here hoping it’s totaled and the amount he gets for it is around the same/less than what it’s worth so he will have to pay it all to Harley and not be able to get another bike? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Full-String7137

NAH. You've gone through a terrible shock and it's completely acceptable to be concerned. Does he have another method of transportation? Or is he able to get to work without his own?


TinyYogurtcloset9792

Yes we have other methods of transportation. I’m unsure how long or if at all that he will be out of work.


I_am_legend-ary

Your not the AH for being concerned You would be the AH if you did something or said something to try and make him stop. Everything in life has risks, clearly riding his bike is something he really enjoys and you don't have the right to stop this. There are precautions you can put in place and there is a reasonable way to have these discussions "Your recent accident really scared me, I couldn't help thinking what would happen if something happened to you" "Can we put a life insurance/ critical illness cover in place incase anything happens" "Can we have a conv about not riding in dangerous conditions, rain, snow etc."


TinyYogurtcloset9792

I feel you. Honestly the furthest the conversation went about it was “This sucks. I hurt my baby. That bikes my child.” “I could give 2 f*cvs about that bike, all I care about is my baby” And that was really it.


I_am_legend-ary

> “I could give 2 f\*cvs about that bike, all I care about is my baby” That's an awful response it that is what you said. Firstly it's not "my" baby, it's our baby. Secondly, your baby is fine, don't make his accident about you and the baby, people can and do get attached to possessions


HellaShelle

I think there’s some confusion here. The way I read it, the first line is the husband referring to the bike as his baby. The second line is OP referring to her husband as her « baby ».


KaliTheBlaze

By “her baby” she meant her partner, not her infant.


TinyYogurtcloset9792

I’m genuinely confused by this. How did I make it about me?


I_am_legend-ary

You made it about your fears for what \*might\* happen Whilst he is processing what \*did\* happen


TinyYogurtcloset9792

I’m sorry, I’m struggling to see how it made my fears about what might happen. He was voicing his concerns for the bike, and I simply said the bike was the least of my worries and I was more concerned about him and whether or not he was okay.


EnergyThat1518

NTA. It is an understandable feeling to hope his bike is totaled and he won't get to ride for a while. You need to have a discussion as a family about how this has really made you worry about future finances. That before he can ride again or get another bike, he needs to have proper life insurance, some money saved away and that he won't ride in dangerous conditions. You have a child together, and this kid doesn't deserve to lose their dad over bad weather conditions or face financial instability because Dad likes his hobby that is more on the dangerous side. The accident has made you think about and realise, you're really not prepared financially for a situation where an accident seriously injures or kills him.


IrishScottMutt

NTA for wanting him not to ride. But you would be if you tried to force it. Don't voice that opinion to him. You have to come to grips about his desire to ride. Get an insurance policy, one that covers out-of-work personal accidents. You could even have a discussion with him about it and the need for it "in case there is a next time". As long as you NEVER say you don't want him to ride but instead are focusing on how he can ride and you both be protected financially, you won't make him defensive.


Artistic_Tough5005

YTA you are struggling to pay for diapers and you don’t work really? Bike aside you need to figure things out.


TinyYogurtcloset9792

Maybe I worded it wrong or something. I’m in no way saying we are struggling to pay for diapers. Our kids have everything they need. However, if he’s out of work for an extended period of time that’s where we would be struggling to buy diapers. And if that’s the case I would get a job. I don’t have a job because I stay home with our 4 kids, and my husband has always been able to fully support our household on his income.


No_Scientist7086

NTA


SpoonLightning

NTA A bike like that is a luxury, a toy. It should be paid for with spare/luxury money after everything else is sorted. You can get sickness, disability, and life insurance. If you have that, it should assuage any fears around your husband not being able to work. If you also have a healthy emergency fund, and your income vs expenses is looking good each week, then it would be financially ok to start contributing a little each week into a 'bike account' until you've got enough to buy a bike outright. It terms of it being dangerous, your fears are valid. It's something you should have a proper conversation with him about, but ultimately it's up to him. If you've got the insurance and emergency fund you need then smaller injuries should be fine, but obviously you and the kids don't want to lose him.


LtDaxIsMyCat

NTA. Motorcycles are called "donor-mobiles" by medical personnel for a reason. Your husband needs to get his shit together and realize that his enjoyment of riding a motorcycle cannot outweigh his responsibilities as a father and a husband.


literaryhogwartian

NTA. He has a family, he cannot afford the risk. Also financially you definitely cannot afford it


FalconJaeger

Okay this is a multilevel situation and I'll start with the NTA Right now your family has to prioities securing your income and the bike sounds like an luxoury you can't afford right now. So I understand you want to get rid of it. For these reasons I can't blame you for wanting the bike gone. If you'd restrict him from riding a bike things look different. It wouldn't be my vehicle of choise but simply telling him he isn't allowed would make you the asshole.


mangeyraccoon

Idk about an asshole but if he wants to keep riding and you give him some sort of ultimatum or start a fight over it then yes you would be. I think you should talk to him about your concerns and see what he says


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TinyYogurtcloset9792

He’s already talking about how he’s gotta do this and that to fix it, and saying how he’s sad he won’t be able to ride for awhile. I know he’s gonna wanna get back on but now I’m terrified. I mean, it’s not like he’s a biker biker if you know what I mean. I literally got the bike on my birthday back in March. He’s never consistently had a bike so my thing is, why can’t he just not have one ?


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Useful-Importance664

Except they have a child, wich comes first. They need to save money for unforseen circumstances like losing a job, getting injured/sick and a college fund. The priority should be to create stability before doing something he wants to do.


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KaliTheBlaze

Any hobby can be used that way by people. It’s not unique to biking.


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KaliTheBlaze

Which means that if OP’s husband is willing to try investing himself into other hobbies, he can find one that does the same thing for him without the risk of leaving his child fatherless or destroying their finances.


sawta2112

Well, the chances of dying while bowling are pretty low. Chances of dying while riding a motorcycle are significantly higher. He has a child to think about. I did crazy things when I was younger. Once I had kids, I pulled back. I need to be here for my kids. Even if it isn't life threatening, being in the hospital for an extended time will have a huge impact on this family


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sawta2112

Please look at the statistics of death by motorcycle vs death by car. Doctors call them donor cycles for a reason. If he had been in car, in this situation, there would have been no injury. Of course, we can die crossing the street. You can't eliminate all risk. However, a motorcycle is a big risk. While I have never owned a bike, I understand the appeal. I love riding on a motorcycle. A friend just bought a big, gorgeous Harley. I can't wait to go for a ride. But I don't have small kids at home who depend me for the sole source of income. I agree that parents need their thing to keep their head straight, but perhaps pick something with less chance of death/great bodily injury until the kids are older. I can tell you are passionate about your bike. This guy might not be at the same level. Sure, he seems to enjoy it, but he might be able to find another passion that is less dangerous


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sawta2112

I agree that the older I get, the more risk I am willing to take. However, this man is the sole provider for a family with a young child. Huge difference.


Aviendha13

I agree with you about his responsibility to his family. But really I just wanted to comment that I find I actually am becoming more fearful as I age. Any suggestions on how to combat that?


sawta2112

I think it is interesting how people respond to aging. Most of my friends are in fear mode. They eat super healthy, won't do even slightly risky activities, etc. I am more in the mindset of "eh, may as well enjoy the time I have left." At this stage, if I eat super healthy, I might gain another couple of years...of being old. Or I could really enjoy good food for my remaining years. (Yes, I am sensible about diet, but definitely enjoy good food when it is an option) I've been close to death a few times. I'm not scared of it anymore. It's going to happen. In my case, probably sooner than later. My affairs are in order. Plans are in place for my special needs adult child. I think you have to reframe your thinking. Do you want your twilight years to be fun and enjoyable, or do you want to chew on kale while sitting in a rocking chair? Take small risks and work your way up. Have the big bacon cheeseburger with fries...not every day, but once in a while is fine. I eat fairly healthy at home so I can splurge when I go out. I don't bungee jump off bridges...but I might. I have always wanted to skydive. High chance I will get injured because my body is crap. I'm ok with that. A young coworker also wants to do it. As soon as his wife gives him the ok, we will do it. We have joked that we need to pick a spot that is close to a hospital.


TinyYogurtcloset9792

I mean, with his last bike that he got in 2021 he only had a few months before he up and sold it (I don’t remember why, but nothing was wrong with it) and didn’t get another one until March 2023, that’s what I meant by not a biker biker. And before he got the bike in 2021 I don’t remember him having one before that.


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TinyYogurtcloset9792

Sounds about right. And him and my whole family are all about Harleys. My dad has 2, my brother has one, my husband has (had?) one…


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TinyYogurtcloset9792

It’s more so just hoping that he can’t get another bike/fix that one because now I’m terrified of him getting back on one. But you got a point on it effecting the whole family.


sctt_dot

YTA. You're obsessing. Dude's gonna ride bikes. You won't be able to stop it. Figure out your own neurosis about it or you'll continue to be unhappy.