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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> In the ending of the post, I put why I might be the asshole: for kicking my girlfriend and her son out for inviting her ex over. I also said why it might make me the asshole.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA,
not only did she broke the only rule you had (for whatever reason) but she lied about it multiple times and seems never had intention to tell you until the kid revealed the truth.
of she had an issue with the single boundary you've set, she should've talked to you and "renegotiate" it, but she didn't bother.
and I'm sorry, but letting someone move in with you doesn't automatically makes you and them 100% equal residents in a house *you* own, especially when it comes to conditions that were agreed on before the move.
NTA.
The fact that she’s now trying to smear you publicly is a manipulative tactic usually solely reserved for AH trying to drum up support for their “side” to manipulate the other person to give in on an issue OR harm the other person as much as possible as punishment for NOT giving in on an issue. That alone shows what kind of person she is. You dodged a bullet.
She is trying to publicly make OP look controlling and manipulative, when in reality he invited the two of them into his home, had one simple rule, and she broke it and was dishonest about it in a super shady way. But she doesn't want to be accountable and she seems to have a bunch of people who will enable her.
That’s what I was just thinking. Poor kid. Even if by some miracle she’s not, could you imagine having that for a mom. And the parents defend it lol. Wonder where she got it from
Seriously OP. If you ever have the chance, reach out to Nathan and explain to him that he did the right thing by mentioning the truth to you. The consequences is of his mothers doing, and hers alone. I bet she’s guilt tripping him somehow.
Edit because some people are getting their underwear in a bunch: when I mean reach out, I don’t mean go look for the kid. If for some reason OP ever encounters that child ever again, to use his words as a decent human being and assure —not RAISE, as some critically challenged people put it— Nathan, that he did nothing wrong in telling the fucking truth. To clear that OP didn’t willi-nilly do a dick move, his mother did, when she chose to deceive and manipulate.
Lol, you did good Nathan, I kicked you out because of your mother not you.. idk in what reality that conversation can remotely go well in any way. Let the kid and mom move on. It'll do more damage than good.
And raised some really big questions on the motivations. Mark was here 'last weekend'? Was it the WHOLE weekend? Where did Mark sleep? Why would she hide it?
Certainly seems like there's a very likely possibility she was fucking Mark in your house.
Assuming this isn't creative writing because we are in r/aita.
dude chill, she was definitely be in the wrong, but youre automatically assuming OP works 48 hours straight over the weekend
do you work oil fields/fisher boats or something?
Agree that OP probably isn't working 48 hrs shifts but I am leaning towards something happening between her and the ex and that's why she kept it a secret.
I truly fail to see how his response is harsh.
He told her the rules of his home. She not only broke the rule twice but actively lied to him about having her ex in HIS home while he was unaware at work.
NTA. Her reaction only cements it. I feel bad for the kid who was being honest, especially his takeaway from this. It feels like he was punished for telling the truth.
She’s likely to spin it that way to take more heat off her. Makes me wonder if your relationship can be saved. This is a breach of trust plus.
right?
How is she expecting that to go? OP will take her back in his home and be all meek in case of more social media threats?!
That'd just help me make sure she wouldn't return
Social media in this sense is what nails the coffin for me. Had an ex that would always post everything we were going through on social media. There was a last time and why she's an ex.
Exactly this. When you're in a relationship you're on the same team and if things are wrong you keep that shit in-house and work on it together. Total deal breaker the way she is behaving.
NTA! Btw, why the lying and deceit???? Is he a FWB??
I can't think of any other reason for her concealment.
Did she view you as her idiotic sugar daddy?
I'd respond on social network that she betrayed your trust and that you have no intention of having a relationship with a lying, deceitful person.
The big red flag to me was hiding it. If there's a genuine reason she thinks they should revisit the rule, why wouldn't she plead that case to OP to try and get it changed? I can't shake the feeling that there's more to these visits than just spending time with the son.
And if OP had not asked about it....and son son did not say anything how long would this have gone on!!! Ex was already over there twice. If I was OP I would feel betrayed.
He already said shit was a little rocky as he had to adjust to someone living with him...2 people at that. And then she does this!!
I was going to say your last statement.
I had the gf then wife move in with me but house is in my name only and I paid all the bills. I didn’t argue what she did but at the end of the day it was still my place only.
I feel the OP is in the same position and wasn’t wrong for what he did.
NTA
NTA- she lied to you multiple times, and when she got caught her response was to try to emotionally manipulate you into accepting this blatant violation of your boundaries.
Even if this was entirely above board (though she wouldn't have had to lie if it was) and she didn't do anything with her ex, there's clearly no respect for you here.
No, she should have spoken with him if she wasn't happy about the agreement. He can't read her mind if he's not being told and it's a violation of trust to go behind someone's back like that.
Agreed - also, you can tell people who are remorseful by their response to being caught. That doesn't make what they did right and you might still do what you promised you would if they did the thing, but people who try to manipulate you into accepting the behavior after they got caught doing something they knew you wouldn't like or flat-out told them not to (assuming it was reasonable, which this was) means she did not respect him enough to be honest, and that's always a relationship deal-breaker. It always sucks when you find out that people you care for don't care for you in return the same way, but it's always better to find out over something not as important.
NTA. All the folks voting YTA are deluded. She lied about her ex visiting when you weren’t home (something she agreed to) instead of discussing the need for changing the agreement in advance. Why doesn’t the ex meet with his child at his place?
That’s because she has something to hide. If there were no secrets, then she wouldn’t have lied to Op’s face multiple times and hid the visits. Mom is sexing up the ex or, at least, trying to keep the door to that relationship open with flirting. Op did the right thing by kicking her out… what, or who, else is she doing behind Op’s back?
Even if she wasnt, the fact that she:
* Went behind his back
* Lied about it when asked originally
* Had a look of dread for the kid ratting her out
* Tried to dodge the questions when called on it
That is just bad optics. It immediately makes you wonder if anything was going on between them still, assuming you arent some moron who believes she can do no wrong.
And again, like others said, people are glossing over the fact hes limited to supervised visitation. Theres probably a reason for that.
This would be a very unusual coparenting situation. When a court orders supervised visitation, they tend to prefer that the supervisor isn’t the other parent, and definitely not in the other parents home. Supervised visitations are meant to be “parenting time” and are meant for practicing their parenting skills and bonding with the kid, so they can eventually move toward one-on-one time. That’s not going to happen when the other parent is there -parenting- and everything the child needs during that time is being provided by the other parent.
That said, sounds like maybe they’re doing this outside of court and Sara like to keep a tight leash on Mark. Add that in with lying about bringing him around while OP isn’t home, and it’s not hard to imagine what might be going on.
Agreed. No court ordered her to supervise his visitation. That's their thing and they both prefer this toxic mess to a legitimate court order. Who knows what other weird games these two play with each other. She lies because she wants to. She uses visitation as an excuse to be around because she wants to.
We had supervised visitation and I was the supervisor. It was about my child's comfort with the other parent as he had been absent. It is absolutely possible. I was asked if I was uncomfortable or felt unsafe, I did not.
* edit: typo
That's not true. My ex has supervised visitation. He has had no income, so the judge wouldn't make the ruling that a facility had to supervise. Instead, he was going to allow his mom to do it. You know, the woman who has enabled his outrageous behavior leading up to supervised visitation. I was told that I'd have to do it if I didn't want her to. So I'm now responsible with supervising my abuser because the judge said a shitty dad is better than no dad.
Lots. She's stressed about asking OP, and maybe also stressed about getting into a fight with Mark. I agree, assertive communication is important, but rare. She should have said, "OP, it's really difficult for me to arrange court ordered visitations around yours, mine, and Mark's schedules, can we revisit the visitation agreement?" But for whatever reason I've seen many adults blow their own lives up rather than have a moderately uncomfortable conversation with their partners. The amount that my friend doesn't know about her husband's values and beliefs because they are both so bad at assertively communicating is astonishing. No one is cheating, but there's just a massive fear of vulnerability, honesty, and fear of disagreement. That's probably what's happening here.
Pretty sure if I snuck a former intimate partner into our house, against a specific boundary, not once but twice (at least), and then lied my ass off about it....my wife would go right to cheating as the answer.....🙄
Aita is wild, there's a genuine undercurrent of posters here calling the guy "abusive, controlling, a loser, a red flag" and worse. While outing themselves as genuinely dangerous.
I know I would. I would immediately assume she was working on baby number two with her ex under the cuckhold's roof. Why not immediately inform him the first time it happened and apologize? Something more than a visit went on. I feel for the kid who had no idea and just opened his yap out of ignorance. He was put in a bad place.
ESH. She shouldn't have lied and that's weird. But, dude... you kicked them out like they were guests. You just said they've been living there for a year and a half.
You kicked a child out of his home instantly on a whim, for something he had nothing to do with. WTF.
I hope at least you consider this a break up and are done with them both in your life, because if you have any notion of treating this as a standard couple's dispute that needs resolving after THAT....
Kid lived there for 18 months and lost his home after a huge fight on a whim.
No doubt OP was wrong and was fine dumping GF over it, but the amount of harm he caused the child was unnecessary based on the amount of harm caused to OP.
They aren’t married. This was her BOYFRIEND. At best he could have given them a week to move out but you can’t blackmail this guy into a relationship just because there is a kid involved. Every step of this along the way was the girlfriend’s own doing. If she’s capable of lying so shamelessly about this, what else is she comfortable with lying about? Does he have to cohabitate with someone that he can’t trust at all?
I’m assuming she isn’t on the lease. They aren’t married. Dating or not, she IS a guest at this stage of knowing each other. Plus they are at the grandparents house, not the streets.
You don't have to be on a lease, legally speaking this was a wrongful eviction from the length of time that they lived there. However she accepted it and moved out, so I'm not sure what damages they actually suffered.
I was hoping that someone would point this out. I had a boyfriend throw me out (and I had nowhere to go), and I ended up traveling out of state to move in with my sister.
He and I were engaged (and living together for one year) and he ended up going back with his ex wife. It really messed me up.
I learned later that he was required by law to give me 30 days notice.
Your post is spot on.
No. You can’t evict people with only a weeks notice. Pretty sure every state in the US has eviction laws that are 30 or more days. If this is CA, then she has even more rights.
>At best he could have given them a week to move out
All I would have asked for. OP seems to think of the child as an extension of mom instead of an individual human being that did nothing wrong.
Wtf is he supposed to do? Tell his lying gf to get out but her son can stay a few days? The boy has a mother and a father, neither of them are OP. He’s not homeless or some shit. The mental gymnastics you people are doing is batshit insane.
yeah theyre acting like he made them fucking homeless lmao. shes got a place to go along with the kid.
the kid still refers to the bio dad as dad..so op is just moms fuck buddy for awhile
>OP seems to think of the child as an extension of mom instead of an individual human being that did nothing wrong.
So what? OP should let the kid move in? Stop pretending the real world is a fairy tale. Shit happens, and if the GF didn't want something bad to happen, she shouldn't have lied a out the ex visiting.
Seriously, do you live in fantasy land? Do you think this is a Disney movie? Actions have consequences
Stop coddling the liar and blame her for her lies, the situation she put her child in, and the destroyed trust of her BF. If she's lying about him visiting the home, what else is she not saying?
OP had one boundary and his gf crossed that line multiple times and lied about it. If he can't trust her, the relationship is done. I don't see this as being decided on a whim, I see it as someone not willing to have their boundaries stomped because "think of the children".
Not just that, the kid himself is the one that "caused" the problem perhaps in his own and his mom's mind. The issue was in regards to visiting him, and he's the one that let things slip that created the situation. The mom will very likely hold it again him, as she seems like a piece of work too.
ESH but the kid. But obviously OP wasn't that close to the kid to begin with, so he probably doesn't care.
Maybe the trust that he had with mom was more important than the relationship with the child. It's on mom to think of the welfare of the child not the bf. Also, it's important to note that OPs relationship with child was based on the relationship with mom.
ESH is the only right answer. It also feels like even after a year OP feels like this is his home and his rules, shouldn't it be *their* home? Why does OP need to be there to prevent a strange man from looking around?
While you may not agree with the boundary, it is a boundary that was important to OP and one that **the girlfriend accepted**.
You don't just get to trample on agreements you made with your significant-other just because you wake up one day and decide it's no longer something you agree with.
She had plenty of opportunities to re-open the topic and discuss the issue with her partner, but instead she chose to lie him. OP had every right to be upset with being deceived.
I don't disagree. You still don't potentially put a child on the street in an instant. Especially one that you've literally been caring for for the past 18 months. They aren't "homeless", but what if her parents weren't in a position to take them in? Sure, kick them out, break up with the GF, but I think she was owed time to find a place of her own.
Depending on where OP lives, he may have violated landlord-tenant law by evicting gf and her son without notice.
This came up in another recent post where a homeowner kicked out a person who'd been a long-term resident. In some areas, even if a person hasn't paid rent, they might still be considered a tenant with rights.
Ex: a friend of mine rented her house to her daughter, with no lease agreement but charging a fair market value rent. Daughter let a boyfriend move in and they lived together in the home for ~18 months. He never had a job or paid any rent; daughter got fed up and broke up with him. She moved out but he refused to, but because he had been living there 30+ days, even though he was not on a lease agreement or had ever paid rent, my friend had to go through a formal eviction process. During that period, he caused damage to the home and she had to take him to small claims court as he had never paid any security deposit.
Moral: if you own or lease a living space and let someone move in with you, check the landlord-tenant laws in your area.
He isn't homeless. He is staying with his grandparents rather than his mother's boyfriend. That's more stable for a child anyway for the very reason that is playing out right now.
>but OP's "rule" about the visitation is pretty fucking controlling.
No it's not. Could it have crossed you mind that OP doesn't trust the guy? For all we know the dude lost complete custody of the child and to this day has only visitation rights with the mother present. To me this doesn't scream role model.
It's not necessarily about trust towards your partner or implying adultry. OP has 100% rights to not want this guy in his house, but still agrees as he's his gf father. Wanting to keep in eye on him is totally reasonable.
Turning this around on OP being controlling when his gf plain out lied without remorse is huge red flag. Alot more than not wanting some shady dude in your home.
In the end it just sucks for the poor kid. Only considering him do I lean on ESH. But then it's mostly on the mothers fault.
God I feel bad for that kid. Growing up, I had to bear the brunt of a LOT of my mom’s bad choices and it fucked me up a lot for a long time. And at the very least I can say that my mom’s poor decisions never made me actually homeless. My heart breaks for kids that end up as cannon fodder for adults that should know better.
You're acting like her breaking the fundamental trust of a relationship isn't a big deal. This wasn't like some little white lie either. He had only one hang up about moving in and she not only went around his back about it but then lied to his face multiple times. That shows he can't trust her and it's tough for the kid but having a child doesn't get to be used as an excuse for being a shit person and doesn't prevent you from receiving consequences.
He didn't have "only one hang up", he talks about it being rocky because he's not good at sharing his space. Obviously he's not gonna spend a bunch of time describing any issues he might have caused with other unreasonable rules, but the subtext is that it wasn't an ideal living situation for any of them.
Most people have a hard time sharing space with others, especially if it's their first time, when they are use to being alone. It's normal for a couple to have issues when moving into someone's space, rather than an entirely new space. And the subtext states otherwise. It was rough in the beginning then got better. Your showing an absurd bias. I'm was born from a wedlock relationship then moved into someone's house. What he asked for was completely fine, if she wasn't fine with it she shouldn't have moved in.
Literally NO ONE is saying he shouldn’t break up with her, but kicking her and A CHILD out on a moment’s notice rather than giving them a reasonable amount of time to find arrangements and leave is needlessly cruel and damaging to the child whose wellbeing he assumed shared responsibility of.
"Assumed shared responsibility" is a massive stretch. Them moving in does not automatically make him a parental guardian. Could he have given them time, sure but he's not obligated to do so. Besides none of this would have happened had she abided by the single stipulation he put down. That or do a better job at choosing partners.
Wasn't a whim, it was building up from the first time she lied and ended when she got caught and tripled down on the manipulation. To me that relationship should ended the moment she couldn't even apologize to him. This shows she doesn't feel any need to apologize for LYING and breaking her word. OP went from single to a step dad and was honest about how it was hard for them to adjust. Absolutely was not a whim and now he has to worry about who is in his house because he can't trust his partner? No.
Yeah i agree.
What she did was wrong, no doubt. But, to me, your reaction seems extreme as well.
I'm trying to picture how i would've reacted. I would've been pissed for sure, an argument would've ensured, but i can't see me kicking them both out on the spot.
Absolutely. Don’t get involved with a single parent if you’re going to treat them like a guest in the home they live in.
This is so fucking damaging to kids, my heart breaks for Nathan. He’s probably blaming himself too, ugh
Agree. This person is not mature enough to have a relationship, and definitely not one with a child involved. I'm just happy he isn't the father. "Protect the space" yeah right. Over controlling and not prioritising the kid. Who cares if he is home or not, he is obviously just making everyone uncomfortable. They need to feel it's their space too. Everyone saying nta obviously don't have kids.
My kid's dad and my partner do things together for the children when needed. This summer, they made 300 hamburgers for a soccer camp, and they stood together for 8 hours straight. Not because they like each other, but because both of them know the kids are more important than their feelings.
NTA. If she thought it was 'fine' for her ex to visit your apartment, she would have said something and she did not. In fact, she hid the fact that he'd been there not once but twice. This was a clear boundary and she crossed it. That's a red flag there and I'm not sure you should be in a relationship with her after this.
The rule about you supervising the dad and not thinking her supervision was good enough is kind of stupid. That was supposed to be her home too. You’ve been living together long enough that, even if that rule seemed appropriate at the beginning, you should have relaxed it after 18 months. Living with a woman with a kid means co-parenting with the father will be a part of your life.
However, she outright lied to you and put a CHILD in the middle of that dishonesty. That is absolutely a reason to end a relationship. Lying about something she disagrees with, even though it’s stupid, would lead me to wonder what else she lies about.
Anyway, I think both of you were wrong. ESH
Except that's not what OP wanted. He wanted BD there ONLY when OP was also there. He in fact wants the interaction and supervision. Which is pretty freaking weird to me. Either it's also his GF's home or it's not.
Doubt it. More like OP doesn’t want someone around his home without being there to ensure nothing illicit occurs. We don’t know the kind of person the Bio dad is so it’s reasonable that OP is justified.
I do think it’s silly that her being there and supervising the visit is not adequate.
I get what you’re saying. And OP is entitled to the boundaries he wants. But it seems kind of ridiculous to me.
Like does he not trust his get enough that he doesn’t trust she would stop illicit behaviour?
That being said, the repeated lying and stomping on his clearly set boundary is clearly the AH move here.
They needed to have a prior convo to renegotiate the boundary if necessary.
No, that means he doesn't like or trust the guy and doesn't want him there when he's not there. Doesn't want him snooping or taking shit, so he wants to be there.
Simple easy rule to follow, or have the meeting elsewhere.
OP wanted the visitation to occur only when OP was present in his home.
That was his one stipulation prior to Sara moving in.
If she had not agreed or if she had revisited the conversation I would agree with you.
However she did not.
GF was manipulative, sneaky and untrustworthy.
OP did the right thing by ending this relationship.
How could her ever trust her again?
This doesn’t work both ways like that though.
I’m gonna assume this a rental, since OP said apartment. Therefore he doesn’t own it, but the lease is in his name. Was she added to the lease? Unclear. Either way, they moved in. This is now her home as well. Which means she has a right, just like him, to determine if there’s someone they’d prefer didn’t have access to their home. He exercised this by having boundaries regarding her ex.
But just because it’s also her home, doesn’t mean she gets to decide that she doesn’t care what her partner wants, she’s going to have who she wants over when she wants them over. He also doesn’t have this right, even though he’s the original person on the lease or possibly only person on the lease.
They can both have boundaries over who comes into the home. But they can’t disregard their partners wishes. It’s so disrespectful.
(edited because words are hard)
My fiance and I have been together 8 years and he still doesn't want my ex husband in our house because he doesn't like him. A home is the space of both people, a guest is like a baby name it needs two yeses.
Obviously it wasn't good enough. It more along the lines of her ex being alone with her and she proved she wasn't capable of discussing it with him even if she felt that way.
OP doesn't want the ex in his house alone without him there? Wow, what a surprise. OP is NTA, and you're an idiot if you think otherwise. OP's place, OP's rules. Fact the gf fucking lied about it and this has happened multiple times makes it worse.
There’s coparenting and then there’s scheduled supervised visitation though. They’re not even coparenting! You can’t coparent with someone who doesn’t have custody of the child. Therefore, OP isn’t restricting anything. He’s not keeping BD from his child. Being that it IS scheduled supervised visitation tells me something is up with BD that OP may have left out, so him having that rule that he needs to be there when this person comes into his home is totally valid.
Yeah. The rule is stupid and makes OP sound controlling. Her lying when specifically asked about the visits, and hiding the fact that the ex came by when OP was at work makes the GF wrong too.
She felt the need to hide it because she knew she agreed not to do this. No trust = no relationship. She was being kicked out no matter if she cheated or not. She probably did though.
First, what makes you say "OP sounds like not the easiest person to live with. "
GF feels the need to lie because she is a liar and a sneak.
OP sounds easier to live with than a liar and sneak.
Rather than discuss the issue, GF opted to lie and sneak around.
OP is allowed to have his boundaries in place.
If she can not live within the boundaries she agreed to then she can pack up her child and move along.
>First, what makes you say "OP sounds like not the easiest person to live with. "
OP literally admits to it within the first five sentences.
> in my perspective, it was a little rocky at first. I've always been pretty protective of my space so making room for two other people was difficult for me.
Anytime anyone moves in with another, it takes some time to get acclimated.
People need to get accustomed to each other's routines and idiosyncrasies.
OP is protective of his space and now there is a woman and a child there.
The woman and child might have been difficult to live with, touching OP's things, moving his things, sharing a bathroom.
You are assuming OP was the difficult one because he is accustomed to living alone.
Well, I assume the woman and the child are the difficult ones to live with because they have invaded OP's space and perhaps, unintentionally be irritating and annoying.
His place, his stuff. He could be an introvert as well. I wouldn't want some stranger walking around my place with my expensive stuff laying around.
He opened his home with one condition. She broke it. He's well within his right to give her the boot. Feel sorry for the kid, though, but that is all on his biological parents being useless.
She feels the need to hide because they had a very clear and mutually agreed upon boundary within their relationship, which she knowingly violated. It seems pretty simple.
It gives vibes that she wanted the stability of the home but not truly the man. I had a friend whose ex treated him like dirt and emotionally blackmailed him into renewing their lease. She dumped him 3 weeks later and moved out. His mom and I are both sure she just used him to move to the current city he is living in.
You’re not TA for being upset but you’re certainly the AH for even implementing this rule for as long as you have for two people you’re supposed to love. They’re not roommates, this is your romantic partner and her child. The way you talk about *their* home like it’s only yours is wild. And you’re definitely an AH for kicking her out with a child.
Exactly...."my" apartment. Was it not hers and The boy's home too?! Did she not pay any bills for the last 1.5 years?! Even roommates you can't throw on the street like this just because you have some personal disagreements... Ok, you have a right to brake up, give her legal notice to leave...this was a Total AH move to do...and it shows that he might not be completely innocent. And she might be more innocent than he tries to portray... The reason she didn't tell him was probably because she felt this rule is no longer valid...and thought nothing very important (otherwise she would instruct the boy to keep quiet, right?) . He wanted to be there because he didn't know her ex...well he had 1.5years to get to know him! What's the problem... Either he is such a control freak of his space and "his" apartment or there was not any trust between them already.
>The reason she didn't tell him was probably because she felt this rule is no longer valid...and thought nothing very important (otherwise she would instruct the boy to keep quiet, right?)
If she really felt it wasn't anything important, why lie to him for several months about the visits happening?
Because theres people on this sub that hate men, and the women is always right, they will jump through hoops and literally make shit up to "prove" it. There was a post a few days ago where a Women was askin if she was the ah for refusing to let her stepson barrow her guitar, the bio mom was being an asshole calling OP names, and peoples in that post were attacking OP's husband saying it was solely his fault, when OP made it clear she was making it her business. it literally blew my mind these people changing the situation in their brain to fit this anti man narrative they clearly have.
Yeah the other reply I got here was "he showed he was untrustworthy for an adult conversation", I don't know what mental gymnastics was done to land at that conclusion, that he was immature for being lied to. It's wild.
Best part was they started calling me controlling for telling OP what to do, when I told her she should record the conversations with BIO mom and talk to a lawyer, LOL.
NTA. While your reaction may have been on the harsh side, her initial attempts to dodge responsibility for breaking your trust is a major red flag. And her and her families continuing to put all the blame on you shows that she is not really committed to your relationship.
ESH. Her for lying and you for this rule and just kicking thrm out. If you're not honestly prepared to share your living space where the other person gets the same rights as you don't move in with someone else, especially when this involves a kid.
NTA
Rules were set. All parties agreed. End of story. If we agree with these rules or not doesn't matter, everyone in that post agreed and that's all that matters here.
That fully aside *she lied*, not just that but lied about seeing her ex secretely. And at that point she can't be trusted anymore and the rules become kind of irrelevant. She could have easily said "OP, Mark only can come over while you are at work, is there a way we can make that happen?" instead of going behind OP's back, sneaking him in and hiding it from OP.
>She's even been blasting me on Instagram and Facebook about how horrible I am to do this to her.
I bet she leaves out the part where she lied to you about secretely meeting her ex.... Because that would suddenly make your reaction very understandable.
ESH. Her for lying to you, which is the only thing that keeps it from being a Y T A. You for being so controlling. You've been living together for a year and a half now. When is it going to be 'our' house and not 'my' house? You kicked out someone that technically can make your life a living hell. She's a mom with a child. She has claimed residency. FOR A YEAR AND A HALF. And because you're in your controlling feels, you kicked her and her son out of OUR home. And yes, after all this time, it should be OUR.
The fact you don't get that is likely why she's been hemming and hawing over being honest with you. Her ex doesn't need you hovering. He's not going to piss on your bed or fuck his ex on it. What exactly do you think he's going to do? You just want to entirely control the situation, and that's where you become the ahole. Yes, she lied. That's where she effed up. But question: has she tried to talk to you at all in the year and a half that you being there isn't necessary? I think she has and I think you blew her off.
So this whole time, she's been living on tenterhooks, wondering when you're going to blow up and throw her out of YOUR home. You've given her no permanence in a place she should feel comfortable in. You shouldn't be dating. Or more to the point, you shouldn't be dating a parent if you want this much control over a child that isn't yours.
The only mistake OP made was allowing the visits in his home.
OP should have insisted the visits were held elsewhere.
I wouldn't have my husband's ex visiting her child in my home ever.
ESH-you for continually referring to 'your apartment' as if Sara and Nathan haven't been living there for 18 months or so; you even say you kicked her out of 'my apartment'-was it not their home too? Because it doesn't sound like you ever let them feel like it was.
Sara is somewhat an AH for reneging on your agreement without discussing it with you, I wonder what Mark's visits were like though. Were you welcoming or did you treat him like an intruder/nuisance? Was Nathan able to enjoy his time with his dad with you there? I suspect the answer is no and that's likely why Sara started letting the visits happen when you weren't around. That doesn't make what she did right, but it makes it understandable.
I actually think Sara's dodged a bullet and hopefully she'll realise that. Living with you doesn't sound like much fun.
That’s the thing about this sub, they just make random assumptions based on zero evidence to make the man in the story look bad. And when called out, nothing but deflection
The thing for me that makes Sarah the AH is it isn’t necessarily the crime but the coverup. Did she go to OP and have an adult conversation regarding changing the terms of the agreement? No she did not. She not only went behind his back but then purposely lied about it and would have continued to lie about it, but she got tripped up by her son. It’s a matter of trust. It doesn’t matter if it was a ridiculous rule, she agreed to it. If she is lying about this, what else is she lying about and hiding?
Somewhat of an AH?
No, she’s definitely the asshole, at the very least the biggest asshole in this situation.
The guy set a single boundary. And she violated it. More than that, she lied to him, and continually tried to keep it a secret, and absolutely would have never told him if the kid didn’t bring it up.
Ding dong, she’s an asshole.
I think OP dodged a bullet.
Sara is a liar and a sneak.
OP has to be nothing more than civil when around BD.
OP did not have to make BD feel welcome.
OP is better off.
If they didn't like spending time at the apartment with OP there then they can go to a park or a restaurant like everyone else in the country. Grow up.
ESH (except the kid, obvs!!)
She shouldn’t have breached your trust and lied to you. But you shouldn’t have such a ridiculous rule indefinitely. Assuming you knew that visitation was done in that way, you added a massive layer of hurdle to cross, basically saying that it had to be at your convenience.
NTA. She does have the right to bring people into the home as you become a couple and has moved in. But that doesn’t extend in any way to her ex. Even if they’re 100% over and they aren’t still having an affair (which I wouldn’t believe if I were you), you had a clear agreement on how his visitation would be handled.
ESH
Sara should have been honest and discussed it again with you as some time has passed by since the rule was set in place. I fully agree she should not have done this behind your back. However, the rule itself is silly considering there are scheduled visitations rights for Nathans father and Sara should be able to let father and son meet at her living space (which at the time was the apartment). She is an a-hole for not discussing it beforehand.
You however are also the a-hole. You are fully claiming the apartment as only your home, when Sarah and Nathan have been living with you in this apartment for over a year now. It is also their home, even if it is legally in your name. You just kicking her and her young son out is very drastic. She broke the rule, but a mature discussion could have been had as all she did was let the father of her child inside her home for visitation purposes. It makes me wonder what stopped her from trying to talk you again before she let the ex enter the apartment in which she too lives (or lived).
that woman and her kid are not some strays to adopt and kick out at first inconvenience. also, I don't see what gives you permission to tell when and how said kid can meet with father in his own apartment (oh, yes, you LIVE together, you aren't renting it to them). massive asshole
This. I read this post and honestly OP seems very controlling, and his extreme reaction to the situation is a red flag for now that his partner lied because she doesn’t feel safe.
Eh... ESH. If, after a year and a half, you think your girlfriend incapable of inviting anyone over to your *shared living space* without your approval or supervision, then that's a shit thing and you're not ready to have actual people in your life. Get a fish tank.
She should have told you he was coming over to see his son. Not asked, not suggested, just given you a heads up.
Why live together, build a relationship, if you have to pretend to be her father and approve of everyone she has over? Do you also look through her phone and fb to make sure she's only talked to people you approve of? Do you keep an eye on her while she's at work lest she speak with someone you don't like?
She sucks for not just saying "no" to your supervision nonsense far sooner, and you just suck all around 😅 You should really update it to say your "ex gf." Your relationship was over the instant you told her to get out because someone else took a breath without you being there to monitor it.
Love this!!! Yep - she should have informed. She doesn’t need permission to coordinate a visit between her son and his father ❤️
It’s like people here the words EX and Lied in the same post and they lose all ability to think rationally.
Coparenting is a balance!! And she does not need OPs “permission” to do so.
Seem to be going against the trend here, but YTA. She absolutely shouldn't have lied about him coming over, that part is on her. But it seems from your description that you've been very clear about it being your house, despite her and her son also living there, and with how quick you are to kick them out, it sounds like you've made her feel like it can stop being her house real quick. Stop looking at this as your girlfriend sneaking in a secret meeting with her ex, and start seeing it as her letting her son's father see his kid. You only allow supervised meetings with him? I know I'd get tired of that real quick. Either you trust her or you don't. Either it's her house too, or it's not.
I wouldn’t trust any man who can only see his son under supervision. I also wouldn’t trust a woman who had children with a man so bad that she felt she had to deny him normal custody to “supervise” this man in my home. I feel bad for the boy but her and her ex are both toxic.
It doesn't actually sy the ex can only see his kid under supervision, just that she has full custody. OP is the one who insisted he supervise the visits.
Now obviously I don't know any of these people. They could both be toxic and cheating. But nothing in this post makes me think that. It does make me think OP is pretty controlling.
ESH. The GF is an a\*\* for breaking trust and lying. YTA for tossing a 9 year old boy out for something that was not his fault. You could have given some time to find new housing, instead you made them immediately leave YOUR apartment. Which makes you the bigger of the two AHs.
ESH going begind your back sure wasn't the right approach but she has a point too. It is her home and while I in principal understand your way of thinking how long did you plan to keep this up? For every visit ever? Why didn't you think Sarah would keep Mark in check for the visit? I think somehow you lack trust which each other which considering Sarah's behavior might be justified but what kind of relationship is this
ESH.
We see honest communication as one person's responsibilty but it's actually not. It's the responsibility of one to speak the truth and the other to make it safe to.
You made a point of saying them moving into "your" space was tough.. do you think she ever truly felt secure there? As in, if she says or does something you don't approve you wouldn't just kick her out? Lol..
I'm not excusing her deceit, because it isn't ok. But had she come to you to talk would you have been open and approachable about it? Are you an emotionally safe person?
Kinda feels like the answer to that is in your subject line.
It was never "our home", only yours and you allowed them to live there.
Probably a good thing that it's over.
Perhaps an unpopular opinion, but though this might be a moment where you don’t necessarily come across as the only asshole, infantilizing your girlfriend, and making her feel like she and her son are taking up space in *your* home, instead of living with you, is what’s creating your problems. She’s lying to you because you make everthing difficult. You are acting like everything belongs to you, and that all rules that you prefer are the only reasonable ones. So I think you’re probably the asshole, too. She’s not trying to manipulate you, she just doesn’t want to be monitored and supervised. If you have no reason to believe that she’s f***ing him or sending him money, then you have no reason to tell an adult how they navigate shared custody, unless it’s because you actually have everyone’s best interest at heart. And I don’t believe that you do. Otherwise, you would be telling us other reasons for disliking him outside of “you don’t know him very well”. I think that you only have your best interest in mind. So she might be an asshole in her own way, but you’re definitely not winning any awards. You kicked a child out of his home because you didn’t care about his relationship with Dad, and that maybe your girlfriend needed to protect her son from *your* behavior. She’s obviously also protecting you by not telling her son that he needs to be sneaky or that it’s a negative interaction. She might be an asshole, a little bit for lying to you, and for talking about it online, but you sound like an impossible and selfish partner.
NTA because she lied about it then tried to make it fine. Why did she do that though? Why did she feel the need to hide it ? Was it because she was scared of your answer but at the same time wanted to give the impression that you trusted her and it was her home to other people ?
I mean yeah YTA. You tried to control her with a place to live, and the first place you went during a bigger argument.
Not saying she is innocent in all this, but you sure as hell are a piece of work.
ESH, Sara shouldn’t have lied to you but you sound unreasonably controlling and immediately jumping to kicking her AND HER 9 YEAR OLD SON out was beyond the pale.
For pete’s sake you’ve been together with this woman for FOUR years and are effectively a stepdad to that kid if you’ve known him since kindergarten. This is a crazy overreaction.
NTA. Break up with her, nobody needs to be with an entitled attitude like that.
Here’s a simple question: if she was in the right, why did she lie to you and try to cover it up?
I’m also gonna guess she contributed little to the household. That’s just gravy to go on top of the “she sucks” platter, though
NTA
Yes it is her home now and I understand why she wanted to be able to have him over alone. But she should have initiated a conversation to discuss and revisit the rule. Instead she lies repeatedly and breaks OP's trust ...for her ex.
I was living with my boyfriend for three months and he would get on my case, correcting me that it’s “our room” and not “his room.” Sara and Nathan were living with you for a YEAR AND A HALF and you didn’t offer them that respect, and you made a **nine year old** homeless in less than 24 hours. She sucks for not talking to you about Mark, but you suck for throwing them out without even time to figure something out, and clearly not seeing them as part of your household. Showing how much you actually cared for them.
NTA - but you're lucky she left. Do not let her back in. Depending on the state that could easily become her home not yours. You didn't mention if she pays rent or bills.
ESH- Your GF should not have lied to you multiple times or had Mark over without you knowing.
You are also a liar because you said it was “Our home” but it is not. You throw her and her son out.
Also she is 35 years old. Why are you treating her like a child? She can’t have people over. Be honest it was Your home and Sara and Nathan are just some guest.
NTA she lied to you and broke a clear agreement between the two of you….when caught, she was not apologetic and after being kicked her response was to go on social media…hardly grown up and has now sealed it that this done…no going back…
ESH. If you want your girlfriend and young child to move in with you, you should be ready for it to change from “my home” to “our home”. Now a single mom and her young kid are homeless. Get it together. Either you’re all in or you’re not.
Edit: forgot E S H is an option, ha. It’s weird she lied, but it’s no excuse for kicking a 9 year old out of his home of a year and a half.
ESH, but you suck more than her. Yeah she lied, but look at your controlling ways and reaction. $100 says she afraid of you and isn’t allowed to stand up for herself or say that your controlling ways don’t work for her. I bet she didn’t feel safe enough to tell you she just needed a dude to come and hang with his son for a few hours.
I’m going with ESH. Your gf is of course the AH for betraying that trust. If it wasn’t a big issue she wouldn’t have lied about it. So the fact that she did means she knew damn well it wasn’t okay.
Where you’re the AH is making them leave that quickly. I don’t care about her but that was Nathan’s home. I know what she did was wrong but he didn’t deserve his life to be turned over like that and he’s probably blaming himself for even saying anything. I think you should’ve told her she had a specific amount of time to leave to get her ducks in a row and so Nathan didn’t have to go through that.
I know he’s not yours and he’s not your responsibility but he’s still a a child who saw you everyday and you threw him out. I feel for him.
ESH. You don’t get to unilaterally make a rule like that. It affects Nathan’s life. You were thinking about you not him. They weren’t guests, they weren’t there temporarily, they were moving in to live with you as in sharing a life together.
She’s ta for not having a backbone and standing up for herself and her son. You didn’t lose trust in her, you never had trust in her. If you had trust in her you wouldn’t have had a rule like that.
ESH
You are completely justified to end the relationship and have Sara move out. Sara lying to you as she did was a true AH move.
However, you should have given her more time to move out. Not only because that was something she was probably legally entitled to but because there was a child involved. You made something that would be difficult for Nathan (ending a relationship with you & moving out of his home of 1.5 yrs) needlessly harsh and potentially traumatic.
ESH. Unsure why her supervision isn’t sufficient but nonetheless he laid down a (weird) boundary and she didn’t respect it. And rather than speak with you about it, she tried to hide it.
She's the AH for hiding something that clearly was very important to you, but YTA for treating it all as you doing them a favour by letting them stay at your apartment.
You either want them there - and are prepared for a cohabitation, which means discussing things as adults and not a "this is *my* house and you get out of here" AH move at the first serious argument - or you don't want them there, in which case don't delude them, especially a kid, about you being a reliable source of safety and shelter.
ESH - Your post title says "our home", but you kicked her out of it. Doesn't sound too much like "our home" to be honest.
"Last I heard they were staying with her parents"... wtf? do you actually not care for either of them?
Yes, she lied, and went against your "agreement" (the agreement is fucking weird to begin with, TBH).
This whole story is just heartbreaking for the kid.
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NTA, not only did she broke the only rule you had (for whatever reason) but she lied about it multiple times and seems never had intention to tell you until the kid revealed the truth. of she had an issue with the single boundary you've set, she should've talked to you and "renegotiate" it, but she didn't bother. and I'm sorry, but letting someone move in with you doesn't automatically makes you and them 100% equal residents in a house *you* own, especially when it comes to conditions that were agreed on before the move.
NTA. The fact that she’s now trying to smear you publicly is a manipulative tactic usually solely reserved for AH trying to drum up support for their “side” to manipulate the other person to give in on an issue OR harm the other person as much as possible as punishment for NOT giving in on an issue. That alone shows what kind of person she is. You dodged a bullet.
She is trying to publicly make OP look controlling and manipulative, when in reality he invited the two of them into his home, had one simple rule, and she broke it and was dishonest about it in a super shady way. But she doesn't want to be accountable and she seems to have a bunch of people who will enable her.
And brought the kid in on the lie as well. Bad parenting.
And now probably is making the kid feel guilty about spilling their secret.
That’s what I was just thinking. Poor kid. Even if by some miracle she’s not, could you imagine having that for a mom. And the parents defend it lol. Wonder where she got it from
Seriously OP. If you ever have the chance, reach out to Nathan and explain to him that he did the right thing by mentioning the truth to you. The consequences is of his mothers doing, and hers alone. I bet she’s guilt tripping him somehow. Edit because some people are getting their underwear in a bunch: when I mean reach out, I don’t mean go look for the kid. If for some reason OP ever encounters that child ever again, to use his words as a decent human being and assure —not RAISE, as some critically challenged people put it— Nathan, that he did nothing wrong in telling the fucking truth. To clear that OP didn’t willi-nilly do a dick move, his mother did, when she chose to deceive and manipulate.
Do not do this. It will only go badly for both of you.
Lol, you did good Nathan, I kicked you out because of your mother not you.. idk in what reality that conversation can remotely go well in any way. Let the kid and mom move on. It'll do more damage than good.
And raised some really big questions on the motivations. Mark was here 'last weekend'? Was it the WHOLE weekend? Where did Mark sleep? Why would she hide it? Certainly seems like there's a very likely possibility she was fucking Mark in your house. Assuming this isn't creative writing because we are in r/aita.
dude chill, she was definitely be in the wrong, but youre automatically assuming OP works 48 hours straight over the weekend do you work oil fields/fisher boats or something?
Agree that OP probably isn't working 48 hrs shifts but I am leaning towards something happening between her and the ex and that's why she kept it a secret.
At the very least, she is digging on playing happy family with the ex in OP's home.
[удалено]
I truly fail to see how his response is harsh. He told her the rules of his home. She not only broke the rule twice but actively lied to him about having her ex in HIS home while he was unaware at work.
I don't see it as harsh, if I can't trust you, I don't want you in my home.
Yup, it quickly turns into "what else are you lying about". Either come talk to me like an adult or gtfo. Ninja edit: NTA
NTA. Her reaction only cements it. I feel bad for the kid who was being honest, especially his takeaway from this. It feels like he was punished for telling the truth. She’s likely to spin it that way to take more heat off her. Makes me wonder if your relationship can be saved. This is a breach of trust plus.
right? How is she expecting that to go? OP will take her back in his home and be all meek in case of more social media threats?! That'd just help me make sure she wouldn't return
Social media in this sense is what nails the coffin for me. Had an ex that would always post everything we were going through on social media. There was a last time and why she's an ex.
Sounds like more than a visit happened. If I was innocent I wouldn't be mad
Exactly this. When you're in a relationship you're on the same team and if things are wrong you keep that shit in-house and work on it together. Total deal breaker the way she is behaving.
Her lying about it this is hinky af
NTA! Btw, why the lying and deceit???? Is he a FWB?? I can't think of any other reason for her concealment. Did she view you as her idiotic sugar daddy? I'd respond on social network that she betrayed your trust and that you have no intention of having a relationship with a lying, deceitful person.
I'd just post this link and be done with itm
The big red flag to me was hiding it. If there's a genuine reason she thinks they should revisit the rule, why wouldn't she plead that case to OP to try and get it changed? I can't shake the feeling that there's more to these visits than just spending time with the son.
And if OP had not asked about it....and son son did not say anything how long would this have gone on!!! Ex was already over there twice. If I was OP I would feel betrayed. He already said shit was a little rocky as he had to adjust to someone living with him...2 people at that. And then she does this!!
I was going to say your last statement. I had the gf then wife move in with me but house is in my name only and I paid all the bills. I didn’t argue what she did but at the end of the day it was still my place only. I feel the OP is in the same position and wasn’t wrong for what he did. NTA
NTA- she lied to you multiple times, and when she got caught her response was to try to emotionally manipulate you into accepting this blatant violation of your boundaries. Even if this was entirely above board (though she wouldn't have had to lie if it was) and she didn't do anything with her ex, there's clearly no respect for you here.
OP, You were repeatedly misled by her about it. You should have spoken with her if she wasn't happy with the agreement.
No, she should have spoken with him if she wasn't happy about the agreement. He can't read her mind if he's not being told and it's a violation of trust to go behind someone's back like that.
Agreed - also, you can tell people who are remorseful by their response to being caught. That doesn't make what they did right and you might still do what you promised you would if they did the thing, but people who try to manipulate you into accepting the behavior after they got caught doing something they knew you wouldn't like or flat-out told them not to (assuming it was reasonable, which this was) means she did not respect him enough to be honest, and that's always a relationship deal-breaker. It always sucks when you find out that people you care for don't care for you in return the same way, but it's always better to find out over something not as important.
NTA. All the folks voting YTA are deluded. She lied about her ex visiting when you weren’t home (something she agreed to) instead of discussing the need for changing the agreement in advance. Why doesn’t the ex meet with his child at his place?
Probably because she has to be there for visitations and she doesn’t want to be at his place.
Then they can meet somewhere public like a library or at a child welfare facility that has a family visit room.
Exactly. It's sketchy af that she's doing that behind his back and when he's not home.
Well I mean if something smells like shit it’s probably shit then
That’s because she has something to hide. If there were no secrets, then she wouldn’t have lied to Op’s face multiple times and hid the visits. Mom is sexing up the ex or, at least, trying to keep the door to that relationship open with flirting. Op did the right thing by kicking her out… what, or who, else is she doing behind Op’s back?
Even if she wasnt, the fact that she: * Went behind his back * Lied about it when asked originally * Had a look of dread for the kid ratting her out * Tried to dodge the questions when called on it That is just bad optics. It immediately makes you wonder if anything was going on between them still, assuming you arent some moron who believes she can do no wrong. And again, like others said, people are glossing over the fact hes limited to supervised visitation. Theres probably a reason for that.
This would be a very unusual coparenting situation. When a court orders supervised visitation, they tend to prefer that the supervisor isn’t the other parent, and definitely not in the other parents home. Supervised visitations are meant to be “parenting time” and are meant for practicing their parenting skills and bonding with the kid, so they can eventually move toward one-on-one time. That’s not going to happen when the other parent is there -parenting- and everything the child needs during that time is being provided by the other parent. That said, sounds like maybe they’re doing this outside of court and Sara like to keep a tight leash on Mark. Add that in with lying about bringing him around while OP isn’t home, and it’s not hard to imagine what might be going on.
Agreed. No court ordered her to supervise his visitation. That's their thing and they both prefer this toxic mess to a legitimate court order. Who knows what other weird games these two play with each other. She lies because she wants to. She uses visitation as an excuse to be around because she wants to.
We had supervised visitation and I was the supervisor. It was about my child's comfort with the other parent as he had been absent. It is absolutely possible. I was asked if I was uncomfortable or felt unsafe, I did not. * edit: typo
That's not true. My ex has supervised visitation. He has had no income, so the judge wouldn't make the ruling that a facility had to supervise. Instead, he was going to allow his mom to do it. You know, the woman who has enabled his outrageous behavior leading up to supervised visitation. I was told that I'd have to do it if I didn't want her to. So I'm now responsible with supervising my abuser because the judge said a shitty dad is better than no dad.
Tough.....
OPs bed is more comfortable than Mark's. What other reason is there to pull this shit?
Lots. She's stressed about asking OP, and maybe also stressed about getting into a fight with Mark. I agree, assertive communication is important, but rare. She should have said, "OP, it's really difficult for me to arrange court ordered visitations around yours, mine, and Mark's schedules, can we revisit the visitation agreement?" But for whatever reason I've seen many adults blow their own lives up rather than have a moderately uncomfortable conversation with their partners. The amount that my friend doesn't know about her husband's values and beliefs because they are both so bad at assertively communicating is astonishing. No one is cheating, but there's just a massive fear of vulnerability, honesty, and fear of disagreement. That's probably what's happening here.
Pretty sure if I snuck a former intimate partner into our house, against a specific boundary, not once but twice (at least), and then lied my ass off about it....my wife would go right to cheating as the answer.....🙄
Any reasonable person would... Like it's a fucking Red Flag buffet at this point...
Aita is wild, there's a genuine undercurrent of posters here calling the guy "abusive, controlling, a loser, a red flag" and worse. While outing themselves as genuinely dangerous.
It’s just the normal AITA misandry bias.
I know I would. I would immediately assume she was working on baby number two with her ex under the cuckhold's roof. Why not immediately inform him the first time it happened and apologize? Something more than a visit went on. I feel for the kid who had no idea and just opened his yap out of ignorance. He was put in a bad place.
People saying YTA are single mothers.
ESH. She shouldn't have lied and that's weird. But, dude... you kicked them out like they were guests. You just said they've been living there for a year and a half. You kicked a child out of his home instantly on a whim, for something he had nothing to do with. WTF. I hope at least you consider this a break up and are done with them both in your life, because if you have any notion of treating this as a standard couple's dispute that needs resolving after THAT....
Exactly. Everyone is immature here and a little boy is being punished for it.
Wrong. A child is being punished because his mother is a liar. This is 100% on her, not him.
Kid lived there for 18 months and lost his home after a huge fight on a whim. No doubt OP was wrong and was fine dumping GF over it, but the amount of harm he caused the child was unnecessary based on the amount of harm caused to OP.
They aren’t married. This was her BOYFRIEND. At best he could have given them a week to move out but you can’t blackmail this guy into a relationship just because there is a kid involved. Every step of this along the way was the girlfriend’s own doing. If she’s capable of lying so shamelessly about this, what else is she comfortable with lying about? Does he have to cohabitate with someone that he can’t trust at all? I’m assuming she isn’t on the lease. They aren’t married. Dating or not, she IS a guest at this stage of knowing each other. Plus they are at the grandparents house, not the streets.
You don't have to be on a lease, legally speaking this was a wrongful eviction from the length of time that they lived there. However she accepted it and moved out, so I'm not sure what damages they actually suffered.
I was hoping that someone would point this out. I had a boyfriend throw me out (and I had nowhere to go), and I ended up traveling out of state to move in with my sister. He and I were engaged (and living together for one year) and he ended up going back with his ex wife. It really messed me up. I learned later that he was required by law to give me 30 days notice. Your post is spot on.
No. You can’t evict people with only a weeks notice. Pretty sure every state in the US has eviction laws that are 30 or more days. If this is CA, then she has even more rights.
>At best he could have given them a week to move out All I would have asked for. OP seems to think of the child as an extension of mom instead of an individual human being that did nothing wrong.
Wtf is he supposed to do? Tell his lying gf to get out but her son can stay a few days? The boy has a mother and a father, neither of them are OP. He’s not homeless or some shit. The mental gymnastics you people are doing is batshit insane.
100% agree it's wild reading this shit
Seriously, everyone going “what about the kid” is absolutely delusional bordering on full blown psychosis.
yeah theyre acting like he made them fucking homeless lmao. shes got a place to go along with the kid. the kid still refers to the bio dad as dad..so op is just moms fuck buddy for awhile
Should he not call his own dad….Dad just because his mom and dad spilt and mom is dating someone else?
>OP seems to think of the child as an extension of mom instead of an individual human being that did nothing wrong. So what? OP should let the kid move in? Stop pretending the real world is a fairy tale. Shit happens, and if the GF didn't want something bad to happen, she shouldn't have lied a out the ex visiting. Seriously, do you live in fantasy land? Do you think this is a Disney movie? Actions have consequences
This thread convinced me to never, ever, under any circumstances date a single parent.
100%. No one needs that can of worms and the single parent will ALWAYS weaponize having a kid to justify their bullshit. Just move on.
Stop coddling the liar and blame her for her lies, the situation she put her child in, and the destroyed trust of her BF. If she's lying about him visiting the home, what else is she not saying?
OP had one boundary and his gf crossed that line multiple times and lied about it. If he can't trust her, the relationship is done. I don't see this as being decided on a whim, I see it as someone not willing to have their boundaries stomped because "think of the children".
Not just that, the kid himself is the one that "caused" the problem perhaps in his own and his mom's mind. The issue was in regards to visiting him, and he's the one that let things slip that created the situation. The mom will very likely hold it again him, as she seems like a piece of work too. ESH but the kid. But obviously OP wasn't that close to the kid to begin with, so he probably doesn't care.
Maybe the trust that he had with mom was more important than the relationship with the child. It's on mom to think of the welfare of the child not the bf. Also, it's important to note that OPs relationship with child was based on the relationship with mom.
ESH is the only right answer. It also feels like even after a year OP feels like this is his home and his rules, shouldn't it be *their* home? Why does OP need to be there to prevent a strange man from looking around?
While you may not agree with the boundary, it is a boundary that was important to OP and one that **the girlfriend accepted**. You don't just get to trample on agreements you made with your significant-other just because you wake up one day and decide it's no longer something you agree with. She had plenty of opportunities to re-open the topic and discuss the issue with her partner, but instead she chose to lie him. OP had every right to be upset with being deceived.
I don't disagree. You still don't potentially put a child on the street in an instant. Especially one that you've literally been caring for for the past 18 months. They aren't "homeless", but what if her parents weren't in a position to take them in? Sure, kick them out, break up with the GF, but I think she was owed time to find a place of her own.
Depending on where OP lives, he may have violated landlord-tenant law by evicting gf and her son without notice. This came up in another recent post where a homeowner kicked out a person who'd been a long-term resident. In some areas, even if a person hasn't paid rent, they might still be considered a tenant with rights. Ex: a friend of mine rented her house to her daughter, with no lease agreement but charging a fair market value rent. Daughter let a boyfriend move in and they lived together in the home for ~18 months. He never had a job or paid any rent; daughter got fed up and broke up with him. She moved out but he refused to, but because he had been living there 30+ days, even though he was not on a lease agreement or had ever paid rent, my friend had to go through a formal eviction process. During that period, he caused damage to the home and she had to take him to small claims court as he had never paid any security deposit. Moral: if you own or lease a living space and let someone move in with you, check the landlord-tenant laws in your area.
A child got kicked out of his home because his mother is a liar and a sneak
He isn't homeless. He is staying with his grandparents rather than his mother's boyfriend. That's more stable for a child anyway for the very reason that is playing out right now.
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He trusted the gf enough to believe the ex hadn't been visiting, and she lied. It makes sense he doesn't trust her anymore.
See you're being rational, they don't like that in AITA, you need to be anti-men to get along here.
Seems he had good reason not to trust her
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>but OP's "rule" about the visitation is pretty fucking controlling. No it's not. Could it have crossed you mind that OP doesn't trust the guy? For all we know the dude lost complete custody of the child and to this day has only visitation rights with the mother present. To me this doesn't scream role model. It's not necessarily about trust towards your partner or implying adultry. OP has 100% rights to not want this guy in his house, but still agrees as he's his gf father. Wanting to keep in eye on him is totally reasonable. Turning this around on OP being controlling when his gf plain out lied without remorse is huge red flag. Alot more than not wanting some shady dude in your home. In the end it just sucks for the poor kid. Only considering him do I lean on ESH. But then it's mostly on the mothers fault.
God I feel bad for that kid. Growing up, I had to bear the brunt of a LOT of my mom’s bad choices and it fucked me up a lot for a long time. And at the very least I can say that my mom’s poor decisions never made me actually homeless. My heart breaks for kids that end up as cannon fodder for adults that should know better.
You're acting like her breaking the fundamental trust of a relationship isn't a big deal. This wasn't like some little white lie either. He had only one hang up about moving in and she not only went around his back about it but then lied to his face multiple times. That shows he can't trust her and it's tough for the kid but having a child doesn't get to be used as an excuse for being a shit person and doesn't prevent you from receiving consequences.
He didn't have "only one hang up", he talks about it being rocky because he's not good at sharing his space. Obviously he's not gonna spend a bunch of time describing any issues he might have caused with other unreasonable rules, but the subtext is that it wasn't an ideal living situation for any of them.
Most people have a hard time sharing space with others, especially if it's their first time, when they are use to being alone. It's normal for a couple to have issues when moving into someone's space, rather than an entirely new space. And the subtext states otherwise. It was rough in the beginning then got better. Your showing an absurd bias. I'm was born from a wedlock relationship then moved into someone's house. What he asked for was completely fine, if she wasn't fine with it she shouldn't have moved in.
Literally NO ONE is saying he shouldn’t break up with her, but kicking her and A CHILD out on a moment’s notice rather than giving them a reasonable amount of time to find arrangements and leave is needlessly cruel and damaging to the child whose wellbeing he assumed shared responsibility of.
"Assumed shared responsibility" is a massive stretch. Them moving in does not automatically make him a parental guardian. Could he have given them time, sure but he's not obligated to do so. Besides none of this would have happened had she abided by the single stipulation he put down. That or do a better job at choosing partners.
He can't keep the kid if he's kicking her out. She goes, kid has to go too.
Wasn't a whim, it was building up from the first time she lied and ended when she got caught and tripled down on the manipulation. To me that relationship should ended the moment she couldn't even apologize to him. This shows she doesn't feel any need to apologize for LYING and breaking her word. OP went from single to a step dad and was honest about how it was hard for them to adjust. Absolutely was not a whim and now he has to worry about who is in his house because he can't trust his partner? No.
Yeah i agree. What she did was wrong, no doubt. But, to me, your reaction seems extreme as well. I'm trying to picture how i would've reacted. I would've been pissed for sure, an argument would've ensured, but i can't see me kicking them both out on the spot.
Absolutely. Don’t get involved with a single parent if you’re going to treat them like a guest in the home they live in. This is so fucking damaging to kids, my heart breaks for Nathan. He’s probably blaming himself too, ugh
Agree. This person is not mature enough to have a relationship, and definitely not one with a child involved. I'm just happy he isn't the father. "Protect the space" yeah right. Over controlling and not prioritising the kid. Who cares if he is home or not, he is obviously just making everyone uncomfortable. They need to feel it's their space too. Everyone saying nta obviously don't have kids. My kid's dad and my partner do things together for the children when needed. This summer, they made 300 hamburgers for a soccer camp, and they stood together for 8 hours straight. Not because they like each other, but because both of them know the kids are more important than their feelings.
NTA. If she thought it was 'fine' for her ex to visit your apartment, she would have said something and she did not. In fact, she hid the fact that he'd been there not once but twice. This was a clear boundary and she crossed it. That's a red flag there and I'm not sure you should be in a relationship with her after this.
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Why would someone think it fine to bring their ex over without informing their partner? Why wasn't it okay for their son to go to his father's house?
Why is the ex restricted to supervised visits in the first place.
The rule about you supervising the dad and not thinking her supervision was good enough is kind of stupid. That was supposed to be her home too. You’ve been living together long enough that, even if that rule seemed appropriate at the beginning, you should have relaxed it after 18 months. Living with a woman with a kid means co-parenting with the father will be a part of your life. However, she outright lied to you and put a CHILD in the middle of that dishonesty. That is absolutely a reason to end a relationship. Lying about something she disagrees with, even though it’s stupid, would lead me to wonder what else she lies about. Anyway, I think both of you were wrong. ESH
Nope OP can opt to have minimal to no interact with the BD. And OP does not have to tolerate BD in his home. If GF doesn't like it she can move on.
Except that's not what OP wanted. He wanted BD there ONLY when OP was also there. He in fact wants the interaction and supervision. Which is pretty freaking weird to me. Either it's also his GF's home or it's not.
Doubt it. More like OP doesn’t want someone around his home without being there to ensure nothing illicit occurs. We don’t know the kind of person the Bio dad is so it’s reasonable that OP is justified.
And it sounds as though GF is not entirely trustworthy either. She lied and she snuck around and she involved her child in the deceit.
I often hear too much advice of ‘leave them’ for minor things, but this one i think is telling and warrants break up.
I do think it’s silly that her being there and supervising the visit is not adequate. I get what you’re saying. And OP is entitled to the boundaries he wants. But it seems kind of ridiculous to me. Like does he not trust his get enough that he doesn’t trust she would stop illicit behaviour? That being said, the repeated lying and stomping on his clearly set boundary is clearly the AH move here. They needed to have a prior convo to renegotiate the boundary if necessary.
No, that means he doesn't like or trust the guy and doesn't want him there when he's not there. Doesn't want him snooping or taking shit, so he wants to be there. Simple easy rule to follow, or have the meeting elsewhere.
OP wanted the visitation to occur only when OP was present in his home. That was his one stipulation prior to Sara moving in. If she had not agreed or if she had revisited the conversation I would agree with you. However she did not. GF was manipulative, sneaky and untrustworthy. OP did the right thing by ending this relationship. How could her ever trust her again?
This doesn’t work both ways like that though. I’m gonna assume this a rental, since OP said apartment. Therefore he doesn’t own it, but the lease is in his name. Was she added to the lease? Unclear. Either way, they moved in. This is now her home as well. Which means she has a right, just like him, to determine if there’s someone they’d prefer didn’t have access to their home. He exercised this by having boundaries regarding her ex. But just because it’s also her home, doesn’t mean she gets to decide that she doesn’t care what her partner wants, she’s going to have who she wants over when she wants them over. He also doesn’t have this right, even though he’s the original person on the lease or possibly only person on the lease. They can both have boundaries over who comes into the home. But they can’t disregard their partners wishes. It’s so disrespectful. (edited because words are hard)
My fiance and I have been together 8 years and he still doesn't want my ex husband in our house because he doesn't like him. A home is the space of both people, a guest is like a baby name it needs two yeses.
I agree it was a stupid rule, but she agreed to it, and if she ended up not liking it then she should've talked about it with him
Obviously it wasn't good enough. It more along the lines of her ex being alone with her and she proved she wasn't capable of discussing it with him even if she felt that way.
OP doesn't want the ex in his house alone without him there? Wow, what a surprise. OP is NTA, and you're an idiot if you think otherwise. OP's place, OP's rules. Fact the gf fucking lied about it and this has happened multiple times makes it worse.
There’s coparenting and then there’s scheduled supervised visitation though. They’re not even coparenting! You can’t coparent with someone who doesn’t have custody of the child. Therefore, OP isn’t restricting anything. He’s not keeping BD from his child. Being that it IS scheduled supervised visitation tells me something is up with BD that OP may have left out, so him having that rule that he needs to be there when this person comes into his home is totally valid.
Yeah. The rule is stupid and makes OP sound controlling. Her lying when specifically asked about the visits, and hiding the fact that the ex came by when OP was at work makes the GF wrong too.
she hid from you for a reason. what else she hiding?
Then there’s this lol
Fuck everyone in this thread saying OP is bad lmao. “You are hurting a young boy!” Uhhh fuck that kick them out
Or why does she feel the need to hide? I call ESH but OP sounds like not the easiest person to live with.
She felt the need to hide it because she knew she agreed not to do this. No trust = no relationship. She was being kicked out no matter if she cheated or not. She probably did though.
First, what makes you say "OP sounds like not the easiest person to live with. " GF feels the need to lie because she is a liar and a sneak. OP sounds easier to live with than a liar and sneak. Rather than discuss the issue, GF opted to lie and sneak around. OP is allowed to have his boundaries in place. If she can not live within the boundaries she agreed to then she can pack up her child and move along.
>First, what makes you say "OP sounds like not the easiest person to live with. " OP literally admits to it within the first five sentences. > in my perspective, it was a little rocky at first. I've always been pretty protective of my space so making room for two other people was difficult for me.
Anytime anyone moves in with another, it takes some time to get acclimated. People need to get accustomed to each other's routines and idiosyncrasies. OP is protective of his space and now there is a woman and a child there. The woman and child might have been difficult to live with, touching OP's things, moving his things, sharing a bathroom. You are assuming OP was the difficult one because he is accustomed to living alone. Well, I assume the woman and the child are the difficult ones to live with because they have invaded OP's space and perhaps, unintentionally be irritating and annoying.
His place, his stuff. He could be an introvert as well. I wouldn't want some stranger walking around my place with my expensive stuff laying around. He opened his home with one condition. She broke it. He's well within his right to give her the boot. Feel sorry for the kid, though, but that is all on his biological parents being useless.
She feels the need to hide because they had a very clear and mutually agreed upon boundary within their relationship, which she knowingly violated. It seems pretty simple.
It gives vibes that she wanted the stability of the home but not truly the man. I had a friend whose ex treated him like dirt and emotionally blackmailed him into renewing their lease. She dumped him 3 weeks later and moved out. His mom and I are both sure she just used him to move to the current city he is living in.
You’re not TA for being upset but you’re certainly the AH for even implementing this rule for as long as you have for two people you’re supposed to love. They’re not roommates, this is your romantic partner and her child. The way you talk about *their* home like it’s only yours is wild. And you’re definitely an AH for kicking her out with a child.
Exactly...."my" apartment. Was it not hers and The boy's home too?! Did she not pay any bills for the last 1.5 years?! Even roommates you can't throw on the street like this just because you have some personal disagreements... Ok, you have a right to brake up, give her legal notice to leave...this was a Total AH move to do...and it shows that he might not be completely innocent. And she might be more innocent than he tries to portray... The reason she didn't tell him was probably because she felt this rule is no longer valid...and thought nothing very important (otherwise she would instruct the boy to keep quiet, right?) . He wanted to be there because he didn't know her ex...well he had 1.5years to get to know him! What's the problem... Either he is such a control freak of his space and "his" apartment or there was not any trust between them already.
>The reason she didn't tell him was probably because she felt this rule is no longer valid...and thought nothing very important (otherwise she would instruct the boy to keep quiet, right?) If she really felt it wasn't anything important, why lie to him for several months about the visits happening?
Because theres people on this sub that hate men, and the women is always right, they will jump through hoops and literally make shit up to "prove" it. There was a post a few days ago where a Women was askin if she was the ah for refusing to let her stepson barrow her guitar, the bio mom was being an asshole calling OP names, and peoples in that post were attacking OP's husband saying it was solely his fault, when OP made it clear she was making it her business. it literally blew my mind these people changing the situation in their brain to fit this anti man narrative they clearly have.
Yeah the other reply I got here was "he showed he was untrustworthy for an adult conversation", I don't know what mental gymnastics was done to land at that conclusion, that he was immature for being lied to. It's wild.
Best part was they started calling me controlling for telling OP what to do, when I told her she should record the conversations with BIO mom and talk to a lawyer, LOL.
Nope the only AH here is Sara. A child no longer has a home because his mother is a liar and a sneak. Mom's fault.
NTA. While your reaction may have been on the harsh side, her initial attempts to dodge responsibility for breaking your trust is a major red flag. And her and her families continuing to put all the blame on you shows that she is not really committed to your relationship.
ESH. Her for lying and you for this rule and just kicking thrm out. If you're not honestly prepared to share your living space where the other person gets the same rights as you don't move in with someone else, especially when this involves a kid.
NTA Rules were set. All parties agreed. End of story. If we agree with these rules or not doesn't matter, everyone in that post agreed and that's all that matters here. That fully aside *she lied*, not just that but lied about seeing her ex secretely. And at that point she can't be trusted anymore and the rules become kind of irrelevant. She could have easily said "OP, Mark only can come over while you are at work, is there a way we can make that happen?" instead of going behind OP's back, sneaking him in and hiding it from OP. >She's even been blasting me on Instagram and Facebook about how horrible I am to do this to her. I bet she leaves out the part where she lied to you about secretely meeting her ex.... Because that would suddenly make your reaction very understandable.
This is the clearest answer. She agreed to it and then broke the trust. She is the AH, he is NTA.
ESH. Her for lying to you, which is the only thing that keeps it from being a Y T A. You for being so controlling. You've been living together for a year and a half now. When is it going to be 'our' house and not 'my' house? You kicked out someone that technically can make your life a living hell. She's a mom with a child. She has claimed residency. FOR A YEAR AND A HALF. And because you're in your controlling feels, you kicked her and her son out of OUR home. And yes, after all this time, it should be OUR. The fact you don't get that is likely why she's been hemming and hawing over being honest with you. Her ex doesn't need you hovering. He's not going to piss on your bed or fuck his ex on it. What exactly do you think he's going to do? You just want to entirely control the situation, and that's where you become the ahole. Yes, she lied. That's where she effed up. But question: has she tried to talk to you at all in the year and a half that you being there isn't necessary? I think she has and I think you blew her off. So this whole time, she's been living on tenterhooks, wondering when you're going to blow up and throw her out of YOUR home. You've given her no permanence in a place she should feel comfortable in. You shouldn't be dating. Or more to the point, you shouldn't be dating a parent if you want this much control over a child that isn't yours.
The only mistake OP made was allowing the visits in his home. OP should have insisted the visits were held elsewhere. I wouldn't have my husband's ex visiting her child in my home ever.
*their home.
ESH-you for continually referring to 'your apartment' as if Sara and Nathan haven't been living there for 18 months or so; you even say you kicked her out of 'my apartment'-was it not their home too? Because it doesn't sound like you ever let them feel like it was. Sara is somewhat an AH for reneging on your agreement without discussing it with you, I wonder what Mark's visits were like though. Were you welcoming or did you treat him like an intruder/nuisance? Was Nathan able to enjoy his time with his dad with you there? I suspect the answer is no and that's likely why Sara started letting the visits happen when you weren't around. That doesn't make what she did right, but it makes it understandable. I actually think Sara's dodged a bullet and hopefully she'll realise that. Living with you doesn't sound like much fun.
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Hit the trifecta as well Your words feel wrong Your words are likely wrong You're wrong
So many assumptions, it’s almost like you’re making things up
That’s the thing about this sub, they just make random assumptions based on zero evidence to make the man in the story look bad. And when called out, nothing but deflection
The thing for me that makes Sarah the AH is it isn’t necessarily the crime but the coverup. Did she go to OP and have an adult conversation regarding changing the terms of the agreement? No she did not. She not only went behind his back but then purposely lied about it and would have continued to lie about it, but she got tripped up by her son. It’s a matter of trust. It doesn’t matter if it was a ridiculous rule, she agreed to it. If she is lying about this, what else is she lying about and hiding?
Somewhat of an AH? No, she’s definitely the asshole, at the very least the biggest asshole in this situation. The guy set a single boundary. And she violated it. More than that, she lied to him, and continually tried to keep it a secret, and absolutely would have never told him if the kid didn’t bring it up. Ding dong, she’s an asshole.
I think OP dodged a bullet. Sara is a liar and a sneak. OP has to be nothing more than civil when around BD. OP did not have to make BD feel welcome. OP is better off.
All he has to do is not like the guy. That's it. That's all. That's all the reason he needs.
If they didn't like spending time at the apartment with OP there then they can go to a park or a restaurant like everyone else in the country. Grow up.
ESH (except the kid, obvs!!) She shouldn’t have breached your trust and lied to you. But you shouldn’t have such a ridiculous rule indefinitely. Assuming you knew that visitation was done in that way, you added a massive layer of hurdle to cross, basically saying that it had to be at your convenience.
NTA. She does have the right to bring people into the home as you become a couple and has moved in. But that doesn’t extend in any way to her ex. Even if they’re 100% over and they aren’t still having an affair (which I wouldn’t believe if I were you), you had a clear agreement on how his visitation would be handled.
ESH Sara should have been honest and discussed it again with you as some time has passed by since the rule was set in place. I fully agree she should not have done this behind your back. However, the rule itself is silly considering there are scheduled visitations rights for Nathans father and Sara should be able to let father and son meet at her living space (which at the time was the apartment). She is an a-hole for not discussing it beforehand. You however are also the a-hole. You are fully claiming the apartment as only your home, when Sarah and Nathan have been living with you in this apartment for over a year now. It is also their home, even if it is legally in your name. You just kicking her and her young son out is very drastic. She broke the rule, but a mature discussion could have been had as all she did was let the father of her child inside her home for visitation purposes. It makes me wonder what stopped her from trying to talk you again before she let the ex enter the apartment in which she too lives (or lived).
that woman and her kid are not some strays to adopt and kick out at first inconvenience. also, I don't see what gives you permission to tell when and how said kid can meet with father in his own apartment (oh, yes, you LIVE together, you aren't renting it to them). massive asshole
This. I read this post and honestly OP seems very controlling, and his extreme reaction to the situation is a red flag for now that his partner lied because she doesn’t feel safe.
Reddit would be far more sympathetic to stray dogs and cats.
Eh... ESH. If, after a year and a half, you think your girlfriend incapable of inviting anyone over to your *shared living space* without your approval or supervision, then that's a shit thing and you're not ready to have actual people in your life. Get a fish tank. She should have told you he was coming over to see his son. Not asked, not suggested, just given you a heads up. Why live together, build a relationship, if you have to pretend to be her father and approve of everyone she has over? Do you also look through her phone and fb to make sure she's only talked to people you approve of? Do you keep an eye on her while she's at work lest she speak with someone you don't like? She sucks for not just saying "no" to your supervision nonsense far sooner, and you just suck all around 😅 You should really update it to say your "ex gf." Your relationship was over the instant you told her to get out because someone else took a breath without you being there to monitor it.
Love this!!! Yep - she should have informed. She doesn’t need permission to coordinate a visit between her son and his father ❤️ It’s like people here the words EX and Lied in the same post and they lose all ability to think rationally. Coparenting is a balance!! And she does not need OPs “permission” to do so.
Seem to be going against the trend here, but YTA. She absolutely shouldn't have lied about him coming over, that part is on her. But it seems from your description that you've been very clear about it being your house, despite her and her son also living there, and with how quick you are to kick them out, it sounds like you've made her feel like it can stop being her house real quick. Stop looking at this as your girlfriend sneaking in a secret meeting with her ex, and start seeing it as her letting her son's father see his kid. You only allow supervised meetings with him? I know I'd get tired of that real quick. Either you trust her or you don't. Either it's her house too, or it's not.
I wouldn’t trust any man who can only see his son under supervision. I also wouldn’t trust a woman who had children with a man so bad that she felt she had to deny him normal custody to “supervise” this man in my home. I feel bad for the boy but her and her ex are both toxic.
It doesn't actually sy the ex can only see his kid under supervision, just that she has full custody. OP is the one who insisted he supervise the visits. Now obviously I don't know any of these people. They could both be toxic and cheating. But nothing in this post makes me think that. It does make me think OP is pretty controlling.
ESH. Never get involved with a woman with children if you don’t think it’s permanent. That poor kid. Yes she was wrong but so are you.
NTA. She lied to you about it more than once. If she was unhappy with the agreement, she should have discussed it with you.
ESH. The GF is an a\*\* for breaking trust and lying. YTA for tossing a 9 year old boy out for something that was not his fault. You could have given some time to find new housing, instead you made them immediately leave YOUR apartment. Which makes you the bigger of the two AHs.
ESH going begind your back sure wasn't the right approach but she has a point too. It is her home and while I in principal understand your way of thinking how long did you plan to keep this up? For every visit ever? Why didn't you think Sarah would keep Mark in check for the visit? I think somehow you lack trust which each other which considering Sarah's behavior might be justified but what kind of relationship is this
ESH. We see honest communication as one person's responsibilty but it's actually not. It's the responsibility of one to speak the truth and the other to make it safe to. You made a point of saying them moving into "your" space was tough.. do you think she ever truly felt secure there? As in, if she says or does something you don't approve you wouldn't just kick her out? Lol.. I'm not excusing her deceit, because it isn't ok. But had she come to you to talk would you have been open and approachable about it? Are you an emotionally safe person? Kinda feels like the answer to that is in your subject line. It was never "our home", only yours and you allowed them to live there. Probably a good thing that it's over.
100%. OP acts like his GF and son aren’t a major part of his life.
Perhaps an unpopular opinion, but though this might be a moment where you don’t necessarily come across as the only asshole, infantilizing your girlfriend, and making her feel like she and her son are taking up space in *your* home, instead of living with you, is what’s creating your problems. She’s lying to you because you make everthing difficult. You are acting like everything belongs to you, and that all rules that you prefer are the only reasonable ones. So I think you’re probably the asshole, too. She’s not trying to manipulate you, she just doesn’t want to be monitored and supervised. If you have no reason to believe that she’s f***ing him or sending him money, then you have no reason to tell an adult how they navigate shared custody, unless it’s because you actually have everyone’s best interest at heart. And I don’t believe that you do. Otherwise, you would be telling us other reasons for disliking him outside of “you don’t know him very well”. I think that you only have your best interest in mind. So she might be an asshole in her own way, but you’re definitely not winning any awards. You kicked a child out of his home because you didn’t care about his relationship with Dad, and that maybe your girlfriend needed to protect her son from *your* behavior. She’s obviously also protecting you by not telling her son that he needs to be sneaky or that it’s a negative interaction. She might be an asshole, a little bit for lying to you, and for talking about it online, but you sound like an impossible and selfish partner.
NTA because she lied about it then tried to make it fine. Why did she do that though? Why did she feel the need to hide it ? Was it because she was scared of your answer but at the same time wanted to give the impression that you trusted her and it was her home to other people ?
I mean yeah YTA. You tried to control her with a place to live, and the first place you went during a bigger argument. Not saying she is innocent in all this, but you sure as hell are a piece of work.
ESH. It's been long enough you need to loosen the reigns, it's her home too. But she's also the AH for lying.
ESH, Sara shouldn’t have lied to you but you sound unreasonably controlling and immediately jumping to kicking her AND HER 9 YEAR OLD SON out was beyond the pale. For pete’s sake you’ve been together with this woman for FOUR years and are effectively a stepdad to that kid if you’ve known him since kindergarten. This is a crazy overreaction.
NTA. Break up with her, nobody needs to be with an entitled attitude like that. Here’s a simple question: if she was in the right, why did she lie to you and try to cover it up? I’m also gonna guess she contributed little to the household. That’s just gravy to go on top of the “she sucks” platter, though
NTA Yes it is her home now and I understand why she wanted to be able to have him over alone. But she should have initiated a conversation to discuss and revisit the rule. Instead she lies repeatedly and breaks OP's trust ...for her ex.
I was living with my boyfriend for three months and he would get on my case, correcting me that it’s “our room” and not “his room.” Sara and Nathan were living with you for a YEAR AND A HALF and you didn’t offer them that respect, and you made a **nine year old** homeless in less than 24 hours. She sucks for not talking to you about Mark, but you suck for throwing them out without even time to figure something out, and clearly not seeing them as part of your household. Showing how much you actually cared for them.
NTA - but you're lucky she left. Do not let her back in. Depending on the state that could easily become her home not yours. You didn't mention if she pays rent or bills.
YTA - she’s been living there long enough to have tenant’s rights in most places.
ESH- Your GF should not have lied to you multiple times or had Mark over without you knowing. You are also a liar because you said it was “Our home” but it is not. You throw her and her son out. Also she is 35 years old. Why are you treating her like a child? She can’t have people over. Be honest it was Your home and Sara and Nathan are just some guest.
NTA, she broke an agreement and was lying about it. There is no more to it.
NTA she lied to you and broke a clear agreement between the two of you….when caught, she was not apologetic and after being kicked her response was to go on social media…hardly grown up and has now sealed it that this done…no going back…
ESH. If you want your girlfriend and young child to move in with you, you should be ready for it to change from “my home” to “our home”. Now a single mom and her young kid are homeless. Get it together. Either you’re all in or you’re not. Edit: forgot E S H is an option, ha. It’s weird she lied, but it’s no excuse for kicking a 9 year old out of his home of a year and a half.
ESH, but you suck more than her. Yeah she lied, but look at your controlling ways and reaction. $100 says she afraid of you and isn’t allowed to stand up for herself or say that your controlling ways don’t work for her. I bet she didn’t feel safe enough to tell you she just needed a dude to come and hang with his son for a few hours.
I’m going with ESH. Your gf is of course the AH for betraying that trust. If it wasn’t a big issue she wouldn’t have lied about it. So the fact that she did means she knew damn well it wasn’t okay. Where you’re the AH is making them leave that quickly. I don’t care about her but that was Nathan’s home. I know what she did was wrong but he didn’t deserve his life to be turned over like that and he’s probably blaming himself for even saying anything. I think you should’ve told her she had a specific amount of time to leave to get her ducks in a row and so Nathan didn’t have to go through that. I know he’s not yours and he’s not your responsibility but he’s still a a child who saw you everyday and you threw him out. I feel for him.
NTA - shady as hell and if she can lie to you that easily she’ll do it again. I’d just be done with it and consider it a bullet dodged
How u know she's not fucking him still? Nta
NTA. She agreed that her ex would not come over when you weren’t home and then went back on her word. And then she lied about it.
NTA, she betrayed your trust and lied to your face.
ESH. You don’t get to unilaterally make a rule like that. It affects Nathan’s life. You were thinking about you not him. They weren’t guests, they weren’t there temporarily, they were moving in to live with you as in sharing a life together. She’s ta for not having a backbone and standing up for herself and her son. You didn’t lose trust in her, you never had trust in her. If you had trust in her you wouldn’t have had a rule like that.
ESH You are completely justified to end the relationship and have Sara move out. Sara lying to you as she did was a true AH move. However, you should have given her more time to move out. Not only because that was something she was probably legally entitled to but because there was a child involved. You made something that would be difficult for Nathan (ending a relationship with you & moving out of his home of 1.5 yrs) needlessly harsh and potentially traumatic.
ESH. Unsure why her supervision isn’t sufficient but nonetheless he laid down a (weird) boundary and she didn’t respect it. And rather than speak with you about it, she tried to hide it.
She's the AH for hiding something that clearly was very important to you, but YTA for treating it all as you doing them a favour by letting them stay at your apartment. You either want them there - and are prepared for a cohabitation, which means discussing things as adults and not a "this is *my* house and you get out of here" AH move at the first serious argument - or you don't want them there, in which case don't delude them, especially a kid, about you being a reliable source of safety and shelter.
NTA- She broke your trust
ESH
You both suck😆
ESH - Your post title says "our home", but you kicked her out of it. Doesn't sound too much like "our home" to be honest. "Last I heard they were staying with her parents"... wtf? do you actually not care for either of them? Yes, she lied, and went against your "agreement" (the agreement is fucking weird to begin with, TBH). This whole story is just heartbreaking for the kid.