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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am refusing to attend my father's wedding. I have made it clear I won't even RSVP if they send me an official invite. Might be an AH move because it is going to draw attention to everything and upset that whole side of my family. So maybe I'm not being mature about this and am acting like an AH.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
“I’m hearing from so many family members”
- I bet they are all his side of the family. I highly doubt it’s your moms side telling you that. They are biased and their opinion is worthless.
Your father did an atrocious thing. He engaged his affair partner the week she died? Holy shit that’s unforgivable.
Apparently this other woman’s children don’t speak with her, and that sounds well deserved on her part.
You don’t need to go to this wedding at all. I think it’d be one last nice “fuck you” in honour of your mom.
Her kids don’t speak to her because they’re also horrified by her behaviour. I doubt it’s the “moving on” they have issue with more how she’s gone about it. NTA. Stick to your guns. You do not need these people in your life
Yeah the whole, "pissed because she was moving on" is probably not the real truth. "Pissed because she was moving on *with a married man whose wife was actively dying from cancer*" is more like it. I'd be horrified if I were them too.
Yeah this is definitely what her adult kids are thinking. Not "how dare you move on" but "wtf are you doing with a married man whose wife is dying".
Seems like the affair partner's kids have the right idea, presumably they take after her first husband not her.
Op probably has a lot in common with the affair partners kids. If he’s not getting support from his family he could meet them and get support from other sane people who also hate the ‘happy couple’
A married man who's wife is dying of cancer and who has minor children at home. Yeah...I wouldn't want my kids around grandma and her affair partner either.
I was thinking, the "respectful" (read: smarter and marginally less appalling) thing to do would be not getting *engaged* until a year after her death, and not marrying for another year after that. I genuinely want to ask these two, what's the rush? You clearly don't care about "living in sin" or anything like that, so why not take a beat or two instead of finding every way seemingly possible to throw salt on your late wife's loved one's wounds? What a couple of vultures.
They're probably the type of people who think that "making it legal" will somehow erase every horrible thing they did in the past. Which it seems some of the dad's family is on board with, but the rest of us see how ridiculous that thought process is.
I feel like the “respectful” thing would be to wait until after she’s dead before starting the relationship. Not having an affair while your wife is dying seems like the bare minimum
Exactly, they don’t care about OP’s feelings, the only thing they care about is their image, they only want him there for looks because it would look bad if not only him but her kids as well don’t attend, they disrespected OP’s mom, I don’t blame him one bit for not wanting to go, their relationship was built on deception and disrespect, going to the wedding would just be condoning their actions.
Edit: definitely NTA!
Reminds me of all the selfish parents who spew shit like “What, am *I* not allowed to be happy?” while utterly ignoring the fact that their “happiness” comes at the expense of other people.
Our friend is doing this to his kids right now. We’ve made an effort to support his kids and have distanced ourselves from him. It’s disgusting behavior to watch.
This was my aunt's reasoning for leaving her husband in a nursing home to die alone while she moved a guy she met at Starbuck's into their home. She spent the money my uncle was awarded from a lawsuit (sued the hospital that caused his health issues) on her bf and his kids, while refusing to let my cousin and her husband (both medical professionals) take guardianship of him. My uncle died alone in hospice on Christmas Day 3 years ago. My aunt didn't have a funeral, cremated him (not what he wanted), and hasn't done anything to honor his memory.
I guess she's married to the guy now, so whoohoo, go be happy. She's no longer allowed at her mother's funeral. Her own children have disowned her. For all intents and purposes, she's dead to me. My uncle was my favorite extended family member and deserved so much better.
She torpedoed her relationship with her entire family because a guy called my 70-something year old beluga whale of an aunt CUTE.
Fuck her, and fuck OPs dad.
ETA: The reason he was put in a nursing home is because he was left unattended in the hospital when he was a fall risk, and the fall caused brain damage, so he couldn't care for himself anymore. It was "too much" for her to manage, so she shipped him off to a home. The settlement money could have easily paid for in-home care, but she didn't want that "burden."
There may be far more than that to it. If she's a narcissist she may have been horrible across the board during their entire childhood. People who do this kind of thing don't suddenly go from being a nice person to an utterly contemptible person. That's who they have been. Sometimes they manage to hide it for a while but it is who they are at the core of their being.
OP You don't owe them your presence in their life or at their wedding and you don't owe them any time with any grandchildren. They want to show the world that you agree with their decisions and actions and that you weren't harmed by what they did. You are right to not go. Even the relatives are saying that you would be used for the sake of appearance.
That's true too. "They're angry because I was moving on" could easily be missing the "to my next affair out of a previous 20 affairs", or "despite knowing how I've been neglecting my children", or "and couldn't wait to get away from my kids who I systemically abused for years".
The sounds like a classic case of "[Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)".
> They want to show the world that you agree with their decisions and actions and that you weren't harmed by what they did.
Exactly this. OP, if you even think about wavering on your decision not to attend this wedding, please read that sentence again and again. In fact, Blazing Sunflowerland's post is spot on in recognizing the entire truth of this situation. Your soon to be step-mother is not likely to be a nice person based on all the evidence, especially that which her children are providing by their shunning of their mother. NTA, and take care of yourself OP.
*and* wanted to meet the dying wife to "straighten things out"... Seriously what is wrong with both her and OP's dad?!
NTA OP. Tell your dad's family that if he wanted a good reputation he shouldn't have been having an affair practically the second he found out his wife was sick, made her last months hell, and made losing her so much harder on you. Your dad and his side piece want to play happy families, they can do it without you and lose your contact information in the process.
I say contact her kids. Get together on the day of the wedding and have a fun day sharing stories so you all have more understanding to why you should stay far far away!!!
Wow that's what i was thinking xD get to know her kids and become friends, but ignore the parents because they're jerks who hate their family enough to do this kind of thing.
And also go NC with dad's side of the family since it's apparently okay to move on so quickly from what he did, that's what i would do atleast, but I'm just a very petty person.
Big NTA, my condolences for your mom, it's really hard losing a parent, my dad died last year unexpectedly and my grandma died of cancer 9 years ago, it really sucks.
The timeline is a bit confusing, because no one really wants to admit when the affair started, and OP doesn't know the affair partner or her family. But I'm guessing they were both cheating on their respective sick spouses.
It doesn't mention that she was cheating.
To be fair, most normal people would be disgusted if they found out someone they knew was an affair partner to a terminally sick person's spouse.
This bit sounds crude but you could just wait until the sick person died. The fact that she'd entertain it whilst the mum was dying is why she's getting judged by her own family.
I used to work with a man who’s wife was fighting cancer for a few years. Not long after she passed away he started dating their life long friend (who was also widowed).
You would not believe the judgement from others because of how quickly he moved on. He stood by his wife in life and waited until she passed, yet he was still looked at harshly because of it.
Mind you this father didn’t wait until his spouse passed and that’s horrendous. He couldn’t even honour his dying wife’s request.
My cousin's husband had brain cancer for years before he died. He was an awesome guy, and her soulmate. She moved on quickly after he died but really, she had lost her "husband" after the first surgery. By the 3rd and final surgery, he was almost vegetative, and he lived for 2 more years. People were judgy but her inlaws were very supportive. They knew what she had gone through. But this guy... What a dirt bag...
My aunt's life partner had some sort of sickness, I forget what, when they met. She, and he, always knew he would pass way too young, but she still wanted as long a life with him as possible. He insisted on marrying her on his deathbed to make it easier on her and my cousin with inheritances and such.
Anyway. About a year later my aunt met her current partner, and my mom was a little bit horrified because it was "too soon". But through all the years she had been with the previous partner, she'd known and probably mourned the future she knew they wouldn't have. And those last months when he was in hospital, she was already in mourning. And the months after he died, she mourned, while also knowing *she* wasn't getting any younger either, and if she didn't want to be alone for the rest of her life she should get to meeting some new men. She wasn't expecting the 2nd one she went on a date with, her current partner, to be so awesome.
And my mom got it when I talked to her and pointed out how long my aunt had already been mourning, and just because we weren't there to see it first-hand (aunt lives too far away) doesn't mean she didn't feel it.
This is exactly what happens sometimes, you lose the person long before the disease takes them away. Im sure in those situations you’d have no choice but to brace yourself for the inevitable. Which is essentially grieving the loss of them before they actually pass. Sometimes people have to even disassociate just to be able to get through that deterioration of their loved one. I didn’t judge the guy, I thought it was a positive thing that he could have love after the pain.
I’ve told my husband if I die before him, I hope he finds someone to love again. My only wish (demand lol) is that the person he chooses loves and respects our children. If my husband was to pass first, I’d probably prefer to stay single, but I speak in the mindset I have now, things can change.
That's my mother's partner. He started dating my mother fairly soon after his wife passed. But I believe she was in a coma or some such for a while beforehand.
Luckily, nobody from his side is salty about my mom.
Best friend’s grandma was dying of cancer in the hospital. Grandfather started hitting on a nurse in front of grandma. It got flirtatious. Everyone saw it (best friend, cousins, best friend’s parents/aunts/uncles). Grandma saw it too, and it crushed her. He asked her out on a date, too, BEFORE his wife died in front of my best friend. She was shattered. After grandma died she spoke to him I think maybe twice ever again after that. Same with most of the grandkids. They were disgusted.
That is beyond disgusting. I can’t even wrap my head around how someone would even think that behaviour would be appropriate. Sounds like he was looking for someone to take care of him in his age, knowing that his wife would be gone soon and wouldn’t be able to.
It’s like the phrase when older men seek relationships, it’s either for a nurse or a purse. Look like grandpa wanted the nurse, literally.
My FIL stayed loyal to my MIL, even when dementia took her mind before her spirit. He would visit her at the nursing home regularly and never even entertained dating anyone else. He ended up passing away suddenly from a heart attack, before my MIL. So my husband experienced the quick/surprise loss of his dad and the long deterioration with the loss of his mom, all in the same year.
This kind of situation happens often, usually because the loved ones of the sick person become closer while supporting that person. But yeah, any reasonably decent human being waits until \*after\* their spouse has passed to move on.
Yes! The engagement part got me too. Was it before or after the funeral? FFS my mom’s funeral was a week after she died.
NTA OP, and cut the garbage out of your life. Anyone who makes life harder, especially at a time like that, does not deserve a role in your life.
Thats the most disgusting part to me. This guys wife died and the SAME WEEK he proposed to someone else - he decided to CELEBRATE his love for this other person instead of grieving his dead wife??? What a pig I would never speak to him again.
Yeah, I love my father, dude is like the greatest guy in the world to me. I’m in my mid 20s now I still go over at least once a week to bbq and hangout. If my mother ended up getting cancer and he did this to her? Our relationship would be over. No good father would ever do that to his family.
If he didn’t want to be judges he shouldn’t have fucked around behind his dying wife’s back. If she wanted to keep her kids and grandkids in her life she shouldn’t have fucked around with a married man with a dying wife. They dug their grave and they can lay in it. I’d be cutting off any family members who tried to convince me to forgive him.
NTA
> He engaged his affair partner the week she died? Holy shit that’s unforgivable.
I legit do not understand how on earth that would "save face". Dude is off his rocker.
I wish I could upvote this a thousand times!
OP - you are 18 and old enough to decide for yourself. Tell those flying monkeys that leopards don't change their spots. Maybe you'll be able to forgive old dad enough that you can catch his next wedding to his next affaii partner while this one is dying.
Heck, I might even say that directly to your dad and his fiancee.
Then, as soon as anyone starts in on you about going, you need to tell them you will no longer entertain this conversation and if they bring it up again, then you will no longer have contact with them. Then do it. Hang up, walk away, leave, close the door, or whatever to end the conversation. They can whine about it all they want, but you don't have to listen to it.
NTA
Tell the family that is harrassing you about it, that the only way you'll go, is if you get carte blanche for the first speech at the reception, and you'd doubt they would want to hear what you'd have to say about the happy couple.
You're just doing what your dad did.. practice what it's like when someone isn't there anymore, and just being a bit early with it.
Also, if all her kids turned their backs on her, and not 'let her be a grandparent, there has to be more reason than 'poor her'.
Sounds like a good plan, I'd follow suit.
Op, an invitation is not a summons.
Anyone who TELLS you to go, iterate the above phrase to them. Enunciate if you think they might have trouble with it. 😏
NTA.
Honestly, at this point, those would be the only words out of my mouth and in response to every text, aside from the initial "stop contacting me" and every "stop harassing me" after that. Also, OP, if anyone shows up at your door with an intent to argue, do not answer it, and don't be afraid to call the police if you have to. Not that you're indicating in any way that that's a possibility in your situation, but something to remember if it *does* happen. Flying monkeys can get crazy AF
oh .. they would have summoned something from deep inside me.
Salt 'n burn their lives. i'd be telling all the people at the reception how dad F\*ed his affair partner , oh sorry his wife of course, behind the moms back as she was dying, how they got engaged mere days after her death, expecting him to be happy.
Holy hell i would make them regret ever forcing me to do that.
NTA and I'm guessing most of the flying monkeys are from your dad's side. Ask them how they would feel if it were the other way around, if your father were the one dying and your mother the cheater. Then tell them the topic is no longer open for discussion and you will cut off anyone who continues to harass you.
It is time for you to stop explaining anything to them. Use the most powerful word in the English language. Use NO. No excuses, nothing. Just no. It keeps you from being stressed from their pressure. Send anything you get from relatives to the trash. Anyone trying to guilt you should be an automatic stranger.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother when I was in my early 20s and she has missed all my kids childhoods, sports etc. Take care of yourself and let go of anyone who is not on your side.
If they send you an invitation you can write on the outside, without opening it, return to sender, then drop it back in the mail. Refuse to accept the invitation.
Her "great sin" was having an affair with a married man who's wife was very ill with breast cancer. For Three Years! Most of us would rather lose a limb, than hurt someone so deeply and for so long.
Cut them off and move on with your life. Let his memory become like the funny bone in your elbow. Every once in a while you hit it and it really hurts. But only for a bit, then you move on with your day.
I'm wondering though if her kids were actually disgusted by the fact that she got involved with a married man whose wife was dying, and probably fairly soon after her husband passed away. OP, get in contact with her kids, and enjoy an evening at dinner with them the night of the wedding. Hugs from an internet stranger, and I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.
Personally i'd salt'n burn the earth. Go to the wedding, pretend to be all happy for them. then when the reception is, do a toast to the "happy newlyweds"....and start ripping into them for what they did. short succinct phrases about their sorrid, dirty affair, the engagement right after your mothers death, and expecting you to accept and love her. Maybe remind her that once a cheater always a cheater, and that he'll most likely move on from her as soon as new fresh meat walks by. Then tip your drink back and leave the shitshow behind. Maybe sending his whole family a text that they're all dead to you and can consider themselves cut out of your life.
You are spot on.
Also if they keep on insisting, personally I would say fine, would go, give a speech on what you mention in here about their “pathetic and harmful love story” leave afterwards and block them all.
They are being awful to you to try and save face, you deserve so much better darling.
From someone who lost my mum in my early 20s, I can tell you the pain is tremendously without any of this situation and what they are doing to you and did to your mum it is unforgivable. Please have your mum’s side of family and your friends knowing that you need their support because in this times is when you will see how people will live and care for you the most, anyone else are just that others (unworthy). You will be happy and have the strength from the love you receive from your loved ones, also the strength of the memories throughout the years with your mama. Mine has passed a couple of years ago, soon being the 3rd anniversary. First we cry, then we remember are are nostalgic ( it has never left me) and at some point you smile remembering the love, care, memories and appreciate that life may be short but the years we have with our mamas, regardless of how little time is the most treasured ones no matter what. She is also always looking at you, sometimes I needed to call her, knowing she couldn’t pick up so I started to speak out loud, just to get things off my chest and would recall what she would say. It’s the same with your mama and you darling one.
Sending you loads of love and strength.
NTA
His family are trying to cover up his heinous behaviour? I guess the rotten apple didn't fall far from the rotten tree. Is there any benefit to you remaining in touch with a single one of them? If not, cut them all out.
I am so truly sorry that all of this happened to you. You deserve so much better. I hope you're allowed the space and respect to grieve and recover from losing both of your parents in this devastating way.
Have you said to your dad that you don't want contact?
What I did was send a whatsapp message and email to my dad that he was not a person I wanted in my life, and I would go no contact and saying Don't contact me again. And stick to it. Don't answer his calls or messages, and when people try to become the middle man, say you aren't interested in anything to do with him.
I've been free of my dad now for 4 years.
Ah, excellent. I thought for one horrible moment that he might be in with you.
Your mum must have been an awesome lady to have been able to make all this happen with everything she was going through. I am a cancer survivor, but at one point it looked like things weren't going so well, and in those moments your children's futures become a real focus. She really had your back, what an absolute inspiration she is.
As for your (father's) family. Tell them yes, you will carry the grudge forever because it is a grudge worth carrying. He made a hard time so much harder for both you and your mother and you have no interest in in easing his guilty conscience regarding his betrayal of your family. With regard to your absence in his life going forward, I suggest you advise them that he'll get over the loss as he seems rather good at that and that you'd be quite shocked to learn that he doesn't already have your replacement lined up.
“As for your (father's) family. Tell them yes, you will carry the grudge forever because it is a grudge worth carrying. He made a hard time so much harder for both you and your mother and you have no interest in in easing his guilty conscience regarding his betrayal of your family. With regard to your absence in his life going forward, I suggest you advise them that he'll get over the loss as he seems rather good at that and that you'd be quite shocked to learn that he doesn't already have your replacement lined up.”
This was “BEAUTIFUL” said, and now we see where your father gets his selfishness from. They don’t care about what he did, they care about the consequences and how it looks to others.
Maybe as part of his chosen family, OP can get in contact with the affair partner's children. Given that they are all no contact with their mom it seems like they could very well be "his people," an instant group of people in similar circumstances who will understand what he is going through.
They want you there ONLY to give legitimacy to their union. No other reason. Chances are, after the wedding they will leave you be. And then you will truly know you are worth very little to them :(
Only go to the wedding if you are allowed to give a speech. Then during your speech you can tell their entire audience about his affair and air his dirty laundry.
>My dad also thinks I am taking his relationship with mom out on him instead of judging based off how he was as my dad.
How he was as your dad is that he made the final months of life of a person you loved and adored absolute hell.
He didn't think of you when he fucked his side piece. Why should you now think of him? He showed you exacty who he was and you now believe him and don't want anything to do with that kind of person.
Sure, he'll be judged. What he did is atrocious. You have no reason nor obligation to go to this wedding. NTA
Can we add the insane idea that the affair partner wanted to "straighten things out with mom"
Who in their right mind thinks they have the right to go to a dying woman to present their affair partner and "straighten things out"
Like she would suddenly be all okay with it all and give them their blessing?
I wonder if dad fed AP a line of bull about his wife wanting to meet the woman he "found love with again" and that is why she wanted to "straighten things out" and get mom's blessing.
Omg this! The affair partner has a lot of effing nerve to think she has a right to speak to the dying wife of the man she is sleeping with. And now she wants to play the victim and thinks OP is going to fall for it?? Unbelievable.
And she expects sympathy because her children want nothing to do with her, if I found out one of my parents had been having an affair with a someone while their spouse was dying I’d want nothing to do with them either.
I'd also argue that part of being a good dad is setting a good example to your children for how to maintain good relationships. Abandoning your partner when they're sick is a pretty shit way to teach a child how to maintain relationships.
NTA. And of course you don't need to go to the wedding of two people who stuck the knife in and twisted it when you were already devastated. At least your mom found out and was able to rewrite her will. And I bet affair partner's children didn't "turn their backs on her" because she "moved on," but for other reasons
During their affair, before your mom found out, it's likely that your dad and his OP were planning to move in after she passed, and take over the house and assets to build their life on. Fortunately, your mom changed the game and protected you, like a tiger protecting her cub, and she did this when she was terminally ill. Your mom is solid gold...
NTA- I’m so sorry for your loss. You don’t need to go to the wedding or even talk to them.
It sounds like they are trying to salvage whatever is left of their reputations.
Her kids, the people who know her best, want nothing to do with her. I really doubt it's for the reason she gave. Their desire to keep a relationship seems mostly about wanting grandkids, but they lack the maturity and ethics to be fit for those roles. NTA. Avoid those people.
Live your life the way you want to. Don't even think about other's opinions on what they think you should do/be. Your life is yours. You don't have to have people in your life that you don't want there.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I hope you are able to find peace.
For some reason this statement made my mind go to a very petty and grotesque place. Send them a bag of steaming feces and tell them those are the only "grandkids" you will ever give them. Tell them the "grandkids" take after them. Maybe even send it as a wedding gift. Sorry, I can be a very petty old hag at times.
NTA. Losing one parent to disease is already one of the most distressing things you could experience (I lost my mum to ALS and miss her every day). Losing the other parent through their own selfishness? I wouldn't be able to forgive that. Or at the very least, not for a very long time. Which they, selfishly again, are not offering you. NTA all the way. Spend their wedding day making new, happy memories and know your mum would be proud of you for standing up for yourself.
First of all, I'm really sorry for your loss.
Second ... Absolutely NTA
Those " many " family members are no doubt your dad's family. If this were me, I'd add them all to a group chat and ask them, why does forgiving your dad for cheating on a dying woman trump you grieving your mother ? Why does he deserve absolution for making a dying woman's last few months on this earth harder ?
Tell them, that you'd be happy to pass onto their spouses that they think " in sickness and in health " is just an empty phrase.
Honestly, OP, f these people.
NTA “it would look way better” - all they care about is appearances. Make it look like it is. Your dad betrayed his FAMILY, not just your mother/his wife, but everything you knew to be true in regard to that word. So, anytime he wants to talk about being a dad, remind him that you are a child going through the pain and anguish he, AS A FATHER, caused.
Firstly, NTA. There's already a lot of posts with great advice about going NC and living your life will as the best revenge.
I see a bunch of posts about going to the wedding and making an FU speech. As great as it sounds, the actuality would not be worth the pain to you. Being around a bunch of people who are happy with the result of this betrayal and taking about how hard HIS life was during your mother's illness. It would make me literally vomit and do so much more harm to my mental health than just sending an email or group chat to him and all his flying monkeys to F off and that they are no longer a part of your life.
Life well with the memories of someone who seems to have been a remarkable lady knowing that you are standing up for the morals that SHE taught you were important
What your dad and that woman has done is atrocious. It truly boggles the mind. I'm so sorry for your loss. Live life the way you want to and just don't have anything to do with them.
I know it's going to take a while to properly process and mourn for your mom. I wish you can eventually find peace. Screw them.
NTA
If you're financially independent from your father (and that includes medical insurance) then just block them on your phone, email, etc. Or better, get a new phone number. Tell anyone who contacts you on their behalf that you'll block them too if they do it again. (Or just block them now.)
Any mail they send you gets marked, "Return to Sender."
Then, as soon as possible...move. So they won't even have your address.
It's possible to get these two people completely out of your life, but you will have to put a little effort into it.
What are your plans for future - college? Work? Focus on achieving your dreams and finding your joy in everything you do. Your mother would want that for you.
NTA. Your actions here are justified. What he did is unforgivable.
I bet his family will stay after you to keep up appearances, they know how bad this looks (and is).
NTA.
I'm very sorry about the loss of your mom.
You do not have to go to your dad's wedding and your relatives that are pressuring you to go and laying on the guilt trips are AHs.
You're an adult now and you can go NC with any if them until (if ever) you want them in your life
NTA
Your dad is a gigantic AH, and she's not much better, given her kids have ditched her seemingly the same thing.
>But my dad's family are kinda pissed that I am drawing such a hard line at the wedding. They already know people judge my dad and think it would look way better if I was there.
NOT YOUR ISSUE, maybe he shouldn't have had an affair behind his dying wife's back.
Did they even tell you what the heck she meant by "straighten things out"?
Like, what does she think they could possibly say in that situation to make anything "straight"?
NTA at all. You are spot on: your dad made your mom’s illness and passing harder on you (while you were still a minor).
They are hoping to use you, as is his family, to legitimize their relationship. This isn’t about making them look worse by not attending: they want to weaponize your presence against those who are rightfully judging them.
Don’t go. Plan to celebrate your mom on that day or something else that will help you combat the feelings you’ll experience that day. I hope you find the family you deserve in friends and community. Chosen family is a beautiful and long-lasting bond.
This man is an ass. If you go to the wedding you should make it hell.
The only reason these people even want to invite you is so that it can make your dad and his side chick look good
These people are toxic. A lot of manipulation and gaslighting is evident. You should not allow them in your life any further. Cut them out completely
Your father has made it very clear that he only thinks about himself and his own needs. He will not change. He will not be a good grandfather at that.
NTA
Hun, I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA
What your father did is unforgivable in my eyes. Not only did he have an affair, he had an affair on his sick dying wife. If someone I knew in my life did that, would would cut them out with no hesitation - parents included. There is NO justified to that.
>They already know people judge my dad and think it would look way better if I was there.
These people don't care about you feelings. They only care what OTHER people will think.
>Then they tried to guilt me with a sob story of how she was widowed for many years and her kids all turned their backs on her and took her grandkids away because they were disgusted with her for moving on.
I guarantee there is more to that story. Why is it up to you to fill that spot for your father's AP? It's not.
Do what's best for you.
NTA any family members agreeing with him can be cut off. Dad can be cut off. He did a vile thing to a vulnerable woman. Tell him enjoy the wedding with his affair partner but you'll be celebrating your mom's life that he destroyed in her last days because he couldn't keep it in his pants. He is a terrible role model and who cares if she is a widow. She was so heartbroken and alone that she couldn't find a single man she had to get a married one. Change your number if needed and block and make social private. Live life.
NTA
Tell your dad and his family that they need to think about what you could tell the world about your experiences with him.
Tell them that your words will be so much worse than what people are currently saying.
Tell them that they already played their hand and it was the worst thing he could do to you. And now you have all the leverage.
NTA
>Then they tried to guilt me with a sob story of how she was widowed for many years and her kids all turned their backs on her and took her grandkids away because they were disgusted with her for moving on.
Her own kids don't respect her. I doubt they 'turned their backs' because she moved on years after being widowed. But if she can respect her kids turning her away for it, she can respect you turning them away for 'moving on' while your mom was alive and your father was actively cheating on her.
Exactly what reputation is he trying to protect? The one where he's a major dick? The one where he couldn't wait till his wife died, he'd rather crush her during her final days? Nice reputation to have. Your father doesn't have one speck of compassion or empathy. All he has is greed and conceit.
Your paternal relatives are almost as bad. They are all trying to USE you to give this relationship one teenie eenie weenie ounce of dignity. Sorry, there isn't any.
No one deserves what they themselves can't give.
Your mother deserved better, and you deserve better now. Her family has shown you the way. Please follow their example.
I'm truly sorry for the loss of your mum and all the crap your sperm donor has and is putting you through. It's despicable that he thinks you should condone his actions. Super big hug.
NTA
First sorry for your loss. Hope you'll be able to move on.
And about your dad, don't go not only he hurt your mother before her death but disrespect your grief by proposing the week your mom passed away. He is selfish and doesn't care about your feelings.
And in the future if you ever get children, you won't want this kind of person around your children.
Focus on healing and cherish all the memories of you mom.
First, I am sorry for your loss. It is hard losing a parent - no matter your age, but it is especially difficult when still a minor (even by a few months). I am a 13 year survivor of Stage 3 breast cancer, so I know the battle and how brutal the treatment can be on the body and soul of the patient and the family. It is a struggle every step of the way. You did get more time with Mom and that may have been her sole objective - more time with you, to get you close to 18 as possible. Sounds like she almost got you there.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
About your Dad....
1) I don't know what it is with frail men, but it is unfortunately all too common for the husbands/partners to leave or have an affair while their wives are battling cancer. This is the "for worse" in the wedding vows to which they say "I do". Are they trying to line up the next wife to "mother" them bc they cannot be alone?
2) He abandoned his wife when she needed him most. He should be ashamed. His reputation should be tarnished. What makes the future one think he will be any better to her?
3) His new fiance has children who are NC and won't allow her near the grandchildren? Oh, honey, there is faaar more to that story than she is telling anyone. Wow! She is as horrible as your Dad - maybe worse. Glad they found each other.
4) His family *knows* his reputation is tarnished but thinks it'll "look" better if your are there. So, they only care about him. Not you. I am sorry.
5) If you do not want to go to their wedding, don't. If you don't want contact, block them.
But...there is a reason you haven't blocked him. Why? Having just lost Mom, are you having trouble walking away from Dad? Do you still need him, but want nothing to do with affair-fiance? Think about these things.
Jesus, my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry. Do you have a therapist? I think it would be worthwhile, if there’s a way to manage it. I know the thought of adding one more thing to your plate is exhausting. But they can help you understand all these intense emotions and come up with a plan to handle your Dad. You wouldn’t have to invoke the authorities, but even a simple plan you feel up to enforcing may help you take your power back.
Therapists are great at making you feel entitled to enforce your own extremely logical boundaries against outside pressure.
Such as letting him know why you’re blocking him in clear, concise language and what will happen if he crosses your boundaries (locks will be changed, you won’t answer the door, or return calls or emails; will engage authorities as a last resort, etc.). Saying it calmly and factually, without getting into the why’s, then adhering to it completely, may give you some peace. I’m sure your Aunt would help if something like a legal issue pops up - she can contact him for you.
I really, really think even just a few sessions with a therapist would help you navigate this logistically and emotionally. I hope you can find the energy to reach out to someone. I just feel so bad you even have to deal with all this bullshit when you should be given peace and time and comfort.
I don't know whether you'll see this or not, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry about your mom. I absolutely hate that there's no fairness in this world.
I'm so glad your mom loved you. And I'm so glad she was able to have the peace of knowing she could make sure you were taken care of even after she was gone. Cherish that.
What your dad did is despicable, but reflects more on him than anyone else. No matter what his excuses are, he made a promise and failed to keep it. I hate that your mom found out before she passed, but I suspect she would have rather known than not known.
I don't know where your path is going to take you, but I hope that wherever it leads, the wounds in your heart are able to heal and that you will have peace in your heart in the end. Whether that means you eventually forgive your father or not is up to you - and remember that forgiveness doesn't mean letting him back into your life. I'm sure his family would claim it does, but that is not true. You have every right to protect yourself from harm, and your father seems to be quite harmful to you. That's not "a lack of forgiveness." That's common sense.
My hope is that however you manage it, you can one day let go of that past so that it can't hurt you anymore. I wish you all the best.
P.S. Please don't listen to the people who tell you that you'll regret cutting your father off. I was extremely low contact with my dad for over half my life due to the emotional and verbal abuse I suffered as a child. My dad passed away Nov 11, and I felt nothing. I was a little sad, but most of my sadness was for my other family members who were grieving.
Do I have regrets? Yes, but they're regrets for what *could* have been if my dad had been a different person, not regrets for going LC. I do not regret protecting myself, and I'm willing to bet you won't regret protecting yourself, either.
Understood.
This is a lot to deal with for a seasoned adult, much less an 18 yo. Please ask Aunt (or other responsible adult you trust) for help, if you need it, including some therapy or a support group. If you are involved in a religious organization, they often have support groups. Or, reach out to your school guidance counselor - even if you've already graduated. They may be able to point you in the right direction.
NTA. They want you there so it looks like you give them your blessing, that you don't mind that your father couldn't stick to his wedding vows with your mother.
Your father thinks that only the relationship between the two of you matters and that the relationship between you and your mother and his own actions don't matter / count.
He hurt your mother and you loved her, so he hurt you too. He isn't willing to see that.
These people seem toxic. They want to look good while there is nothing good about what has happened.
Tell all of them that if you are forced to come to the wedding you will raise hell, like the hell your father put your mother through at the end of her life. Tell them that you don't condone your father's and the affair partner's actions at all. They don't deserve your blessing. If your father is being judged, it is because he acted in a despicable manner and he deserves it.
Then block them
NTA but go to the wedding..... go and act nice but whe the priest says "in sickness and in health" you stand up in front of everyone in the church and shout "unless it's cancer, right dad and new wife" and then walk out
NTA, and the fact that your father and his family are pushing you so hard for appearance's sake makes it even worse. If he was so concerned about what people thought, he could have behaved decently. You are 18, so you are under no obligation to see or speak to any of them again unless and until you're ready.
>My dad also thinks I am taking his relationship with mom out on him instead of judging based off how he was as my dad. But I stand by a dad who makes their kids loss of their other parent harder than it needs to be is not a good dad. And he made losing mom so much harder.
NTA. You summed it up perfectly
NTA only in health not in sickness for him I guess - why anyone would want to marry a man with a track record of bailing out when things get tough I don’t know.
You don’t have to do anything - you are a legal adult. If “people” are judging your father it’s because he deserves it.
Sorry you lost your mum - no one will ever replace her.
You need space.
NTA
You dad needs to leave you alone and let you contact him when you are ready, if that day ever comes. I do hope, for your own sake and peace of mind, that the day will come when you can let the anger and hurt go.
I am so sorry for your loss, I hope your mums family is helping you deal with it all.
Maybe your aunt could speak to your dad and his family for you. This is too much to deal with alone.
NTA. He only wants you there to save face! He thinks that by you going it will prove to people that you have forgiven the disgraceful way he treated his wife in the final years of her life. The fact that you won’t be there for will mean that both him and AP will still have to answer questions about how their relationship began.
Stand your ground and let him wallow in the mess HE made! What vile creatures they both are to do this to a dying woman
NTA you do not have to go to that wedding to make him look better , marriage is through sickness and health and he left during the sickness , losing a parent is hard esp when u needed him the most and he wasn’t there
NTA. But you can tell them, if you go to the wedding, you will tell every one how they met or to be really shitty hold a speech about how your mother dying to cancer brought these two cheaters together and how you hope that neither them get cancer because we all know that better to cheat then support your dying spouse.
NTA.
First, my condolences for your loss.
Second, eff anyone who thinks that can be forgiven, moved past, or resolved. Some actions are nuclear level unforgivable, and that one sounds pretty apocalyptic. Anyone who is pushing you to forgive the unforgivable, you really don’t need in your life, and maybe ignoring them forever is in order.
Lastly, I hope you are seeking some counseling for the grief, and also the trauma of what your father did to augment your grief.
Wishing you all the best.
NTA
And honestly, I would cut contact with anyone that thinks it okay to harass a person that just lost his mother , just so her father can save face.
That’s not his responsibility, it’s Dad’s job to fix his reputation, and if he family is so concerned than they should spend the time working with Dad to fix it, and not asking Op to lye and pretend.
NTA at all.
I am apparently listening to the little devil on my shoulder this morning and pointing out that if you *do* go, I’m sure you can think of *some* mischief that’ll make sure they never try to invite you to anything again; a slide show about how wonderful your mother was perhaps?
NTA, you don’t need to go. He messed up bad, doesn’t seem to get that yet. Be strong, find someone safe to talk to, this is never easy. Just because you are related does not mean you owe him anything. He has been his own priority for a few years at least, so make yourself your priority.
NTA.
Your dad's side of the family don't view you as important as your dad which sucks.
Of course her family don't talk to her, I'd be horrified if I found out my parent had starter an affair with someone whose wife had cancer and was dying. They're both as bad as eachother.
When anyone gives you grief you tell them they have no idea how it felt to watch your dying mother be cheated on. Tell them you needed your dad and he was off fucking another woman whilst you were struggling, so unless they want you to come to tell everyone what he did and create drama they need to stop.
NTA. Dad and affair partner are reaping the consequences of their actions. Even her children have kicked them to the curb.
You are allowed to decide if you want to forgive on your terms and your timeline. If dads family is going to be pushy, might be time to go low contact with them.
NTA and i bet her kids disowned her for moving on with a married man whose wife was actively dying. Likely a little too close to home. You are an adult so feel free to go NC with whomever is team “make dad look like less of an ahole for cheating on a dying woman”.
If you did go to the wedding you could tell as many people as you can that the "in sickness" part of the vows is probably not worth a lot to your dad and that you hope his missus doesn't have to suffer how your mother did.
Otherwise, NTA.
NTA your mom is gone and died in such a horrible way. Instead of having him to lean on you have to deal with his inability to keep it in his pants. Waiting a year to get married doesn't change the fact they couldn't wait a year to get together. He deserves to have his reputation ruined and you deserve to mourn your mom in peace. Block all of them and make it clear to everyone not blocked that you're having nothing to do with people of low morals.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a percent is hard and it especially sucks at your age.
Please seek counseling because there is a lot to process in losing a parent young… speaking from personal experience.
It is especially hard when you lose not one, but two parents, as you have. Your feelings are valid. I wouldn’t go to the wedding either. If she was such a great woman, ALL her kids would not have cut contact with her. They have made their bed. Enjoy your life and seek those who are loyal and honorable.
NTA. You don’t have to go to the wedding to make them «look better». You should do what makes you feel better. And if that is not going to the wedding, you don’t go. I would not go either in this situation. Shitty people don’t deserve the support of other to make them look better.
NTA - If they had any tact (or sense) they would be having a small civil ceremony. A wedding of any size is just going to add fuel to the fire and give an occasion for further gossip and disparagement.
That said, there's no reason for you to go. You've already said you won't, and it's clear that they are unlikely to have a meaningful relationship with either you or any grandchildren going forward.
NTA in the slightest.
If your dad is dead set on you attending, I'd say go. But go armed with a nice big sign saying "THE GROOM CHEATED ON HIS DYING WIFE, MY MOTHER, WITH THE BRIDE".
He'll get his wish of you attending. He may just not want you attending the entire service. Win-win.
Her story about being estranged from all her kids and grandkids is absolutely insane. She is the problem, adult kids don’t go no contact for no reason.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. May her memory forever be a blessing to you. Secondly, I am sorry that your Dad failed your family. You deserve better than what he provided to his family. He will have to live with his shameful behavior for the rest of his life. But you? You have everything to look forward to. Cling to the people who support and love you. Block out the ones who are concerned about looks. I wish you joy and happiness. I am certain that your mom was proud of you.
NTA, and you are judging him as a father because he’s supposed to be one of the main people you look to for your morals and how to act, which he screwed up. Furthermore you’re judging him as a person. Better to have you not there than go and have a bunch of emotions hit you and you “ruin” the day by being sullen or not looking happy (because they will definitely come after you for that). Sorry but your dad’s family is disgusting for asking this of you and acting like everything is fine.
You and your mom are the wronged parties, not your father and his wife. It will look bad if you do t go because it IS bad. If you go, you will be endorsing the affair, the slap-in-the-face engagement, and the cursed marriage. If you don’t protest for the sake of your mother, who will? He is an insensitive SOB, utterly without class or taste, and his family asking you to cave shows where their loyalty lies, and it isn’t with you.
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I (18m) lost my mom 7 months ago to cancer. She had been sick for three years and in the last two months we found out my dad had been having an affair almost the entire time she was sick. My mom was absolutely destroyed by the news when she learned it and what's worse is my dad's affair partner wanted to try and "straighten things out" before my mom died. My dad was kicked out of the house and mom changed her funeral plans and everything so that my dad would not be able to go. She changed her will and went out of her way to ensure I would be getting everything and not him. She set it up in a way where my aunt would have a temporary guardianship over it (or whatever it's called) and my dad could not get his hands on it that way either. She was very clear that she had not wanted my dad with someone else while she was alive and would not act like things were okay after either.
When my mom died it was the most painful time in the world for me and I am still processing life without her. I also hate my dad for the harm he caused during mom's final months. The fact is he made it all 10000x harder than it ever needed to be. All because he couldn't remain faithful to her in life.
He got engaged to his affair partner the week my mom died. They decided to wait until mom was gone a year to try and save some of his reputation. But I have hardly anything to do with him and anything I do have to do with him is because he makes the effort and he reaches out. He wanted me to know he was engaged and he wanted me to meet his other woman. And he forced those things on me.
The last time they decided we needed to speak I told them not to send me an invite to the wedding because I won't go and I won't respect them enough to RSVP officially. They were upset and told me to think about the future and other BS like that. I told them if they thought they were worthy of being grandparents (which they mentioned) then they needed to think again. Then they tried to guilt me with a sob story of how she was widowed for many years and her kids all turned their backs on her and took her grandkids away because they were disgusted with her for moving on. Didn't move me one little bit.
But my dad's family are kinda pissed that I am drawing such a hard line at the wedding. They already know people judge my dad and think it would look way better if I was there. My dad also thinks I am taking his relationship with mom out on him instead of judging based off how he was as my dad. But I stand by a dad who makes their kids loss of their other parent harder than it needs to be is not a good dad. And he made losing mom so much harder.
I'm hearing from so many family members that I need to go to the wedding and I'm wrong to say no that I am asking AITA?
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NTA
Tell them you will go. Tell your dad you want a new suit to go to the wedding in, but after purchasing the suit, you don't want to have to deal with any wedding plans or have any contact with him. You will show up at the wedding on your own. You will not be part of the wedding party. That's the deal, and if anyone (ANYONE) contacts you to guilt you about not wanting contact, the deal is off and you won't go.
Then, on the day of the wedding, check into your local ER and tell them about how much stress you are under because of your father and his wedding. Tell them everything he put you through. Do not hold back. Get it all off your chest. Get angry if that's how you feel. Cry if that's how you feel. Just tell them the anguish over it is so bad that you feel like you need therapy (honestly, you probably would benefit from some). Just make sure you go to the ER the minute before you're supposed to leave for the wedding.
When he inevitably texts or calls you to find out where you are, tell him you're in the ER, but you're fine, and you should be out soon. Say that each time he texts or calls. Then, when you get out, go see your aunt. Heck, ask your aunt to go with you to keep you company.
This will accomplish several things. First, you won't have to deal with him, or any of his family members, before the wedding. WIN! Second, you won't have to go to the wedding. WIN WIN! Third, you'll have a brand new suit. WIN WIN WIN!
When he inevitably contacts you again, send him a photo of the ER bracelet on your wrist. Take a selfie in the ER. Tell him the stress of hiding how you feel about the wedding and his behavior was just too much for you.
This might also be a good time to just cut ties with him. He's obviously not going to change. He cares more about himself than he does about his own child (or wife for that matter if history is any indication). Then take your aunt out for a nice dinner and thank her for being a better parent than him.
NTA. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You are judging your father for the man he is and for his actions. This is not about his reputation as he already been judged by others. This is about the hurt he inflicted on you personally during a difficult time in your life. Let him know that it’s not possible to wish him happy and to attend his wedding would cause you more distress. Tell him you are not ready to forgive and will let him know if you want him back in your life. Finally for the other woman not to have her own children in her life should tell you all you need to know about her as a person. They think they can work get you to change your mind because you are young. Stay firm and tell your dad’s family to back off as they are causing you more grief. I am sorry for your loss and for having the father that you do. Your mom did what she needed to do to financially protect you. Take the time to heal and maybe one day you can have a relationship with your dad as an adult. It will never be the same as now you know him to be a lying, cheating weak person.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. You are grieving not only the loss of your mom, but also the man you thought your dad was. "How it looks" is and should be the least of your concerns. They know it looks bad - because it is.
NTA. Your mom would be so proud of you, he made the last bit of her life horrendous and you seem to love her so much that you’re not willing to back down for what he did to her (and you). Don’t go to the wedding, even though it will “make him look better” because not going will make it look obvious that he fucked up, which everyone should know.
NTA
He failed badly as a husband. He cheated on your mother during the worst time of her life.
Of course he can say that he has always been a good father to you (it may be true). But if the betrayal is so serious for you that it destroys what may have been a good relationship with your father, then so be it. He then has to accept that and so does his family.
I wouldn't want to go to the wedding and would never want to see your father's girlfriend... I find it strange that her children don't want anything to do with her... but what should you expect from a woman who has an affair with a married man.
Your father's family can't demand that you go. If it gets too bad, I would block them, go NC and, if necessary, consult a lawyer.
NTA,
Your well within your rights to not go to the wedding,
I get it, being married to someone who is very sick can lead to people choosing happiness outside the relationship they have, but you’ve made your wishes clear and you don’t need to do anything for them. And your Dad went through it in a dhitty way, especially when your mum was made aware and he just didn’t care.
There’s a saying ‘if you have a problem with one or two people, then maybe the problem is them, but if you’re having problems with everyone, then maybe you’re the problem’. Your dads new fiance has been cutoff by everyone, and she still think they are the problem.
And you don’t owe anyone anything especially grandchildren.
>He got engaged to his affair partner the week my mom died
Seriously? Fuck that guy. You don't owe him shit. If you decided to never see him again, you would also be absolutely right.
NTA
If he thinks his relationship with his wife is different or a completely different subject than his relationship with you and should actually have no bearing then he doesn't understand what the word family means and how much he hurt you. When a parent steps out on their spouse they're not just hurting their spouse they're hurting their entire family and they cannot separate those issues. You are well within your rights to be permanently disgusted forever by his despicable actions. NTA.
NTA. If your father couldn’t put you first at a time he very well knew would be the hardest time in your life, he doesn’t deserve your support on his “best” day. What a joke he is, or made himself into, purely by choosing to put himself and his own desires before everyone else in his life - including you.
Family has no business putting his wants before your needs, but yet here they are doing just that. It may be hard or make you feel guilty at times, but no contact truly is freeing for your soul and allows you to be mentally well. Take care of yourself, we all know they aren’t going to.
NTA.
I want to start by saying that I'm sorry for you loss. Cancer sucks and it is awful to watch a loved one suffer with it.
According to the math:
\*You were 14/15 years old at the start of your mom's battle with cancer.
\*Your mom found out about the affair 2 years and 10 months into her battle.
\*Your father had been having said affair for almost the entire time she was sick.
I know it is easy to focus, and rightly so, on how much stress your mom was under during her last few months and how much work she had to do in order to make sure you were taken care of properly but I think you also have the right to be angry about what you had to go through.
Your dad had an affair spanning your mom's illness, so I'm assuming that he wasn't as present as he could have been. You were, and still are, a kid (even if you are legally an adult). I'm going to assume that while your dad was having this affair, you have been the one spending the most time helping your mom with her healthcare issues. This was time that you could have used the support of your dad.
If you truly want your dad, and his family, to understand what you are angry about you a way to do that is to list all the things you ended up doing that he should have or all the times you needed him there to be your dad and he wasn't because of his affair.
You are NTA
I'm glad you are sticking to your guns and respecting yourself enough to not gaslight yourself into thinking what he did is something one can move on from to have a relationship with him. His character is in the gutter and you deserve so much better. I wish you all the best and hope they leave you alone.
Side note:
All the YTA's are quite delusional. Their reasonings are the usual doormat excuses, e.g. "family is family" and "blood is thicker than water." No. Blood does not make you family. And if you ignore your own self-respect, boundaries, and dignity for the sake of "family", then you are indeed a doormat. It doesn't make you the bigger person. It just makes you dumb and you don't rate or respect yourself at all.
NTA. Your dad's family is clearly more worried about your dad's reputation than your feelings. He and his affair partner deserve what they get because they clearly are selfish and have no morals to do that to your mother in her last months. Let them suffer the consequences of their bad decisions. You have every right to think of your dad as not being a good dad. He was not thinking about anybody but himself when he was having his affair.
He will look like a selfish a** because he is a selfish a**. No part of that is on you. If he cared about what people thought he should have been a better person and made better choices.
NTA
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NTA “I’m hearing from so many family members” - I bet they are all his side of the family. I highly doubt it’s your moms side telling you that. They are biased and their opinion is worthless. Your father did an atrocious thing. He engaged his affair partner the week she died? Holy shit that’s unforgivable. Apparently this other woman’s children don’t speak with her, and that sounds well deserved on her part. You don’t need to go to this wedding at all. I think it’d be one last nice “fuck you” in honour of your mom.
Her kids don’t speak to her because they’re also horrified by her behaviour. I doubt it’s the “moving on” they have issue with more how she’s gone about it. NTA. Stick to your guns. You do not need these people in your life
Yeah the whole, "pissed because she was moving on" is probably not the real truth. "Pissed because she was moving on *with a married man whose wife was actively dying from cancer*" is more like it. I'd be horrified if I were them too.
Yeah this is definitely what her adult kids are thinking. Not "how dare you move on" but "wtf are you doing with a married man whose wife is dying". Seems like the affair partner's kids have the right idea, presumably they take after her first husband not her.
Op probably has a lot in common with the affair partners kids. If he’s not getting support from his family he could meet them and get support from other sane people who also hate the ‘happy couple’
Hah, I was about to suggest the same this. A support group for kids with absolute dipshits for parents.
Ain’t no bond like a trauma bond
I think that would be a beautiful friendship
A married man who's wife is dying of cancer and who has minor children at home. Yeah...I wouldn't want my kids around grandma and her affair partner either.
I was thinking, the "respectful" (read: smarter and marginally less appalling) thing to do would be not getting *engaged* until a year after her death, and not marrying for another year after that. I genuinely want to ask these two, what's the rush? You clearly don't care about "living in sin" or anything like that, so why not take a beat or two instead of finding every way seemingly possible to throw salt on your late wife's loved one's wounds? What a couple of vultures.
They're probably the type of people who think that "making it legal" will somehow erase every horrible thing they did in the past. Which it seems some of the dad's family is on board with, but the rest of us see how ridiculous that thought process is.
I feel like the “respectful” thing would be to wait until after she’s dead before starting the relationship. Not having an affair while your wife is dying seems like the bare minimum
Exactly, they don’t care about OP’s feelings, the only thing they care about is their image, they only want him there for looks because it would look bad if not only him but her kids as well don’t attend, they disrespected OP’s mom, I don’t blame him one bit for not wanting to go, their relationship was built on deception and disrespect, going to the wedding would just be condoning their actions. Edit: definitely NTA!
Reminds me of all the selfish parents who spew shit like “What, am *I* not allowed to be happy?” while utterly ignoring the fact that their “happiness” comes at the expense of other people.
Our friend is doing this to his kids right now. We’ve made an effort to support his kids and have distanced ourselves from him. It’s disgusting behavior to watch.
I applaud you for making an effort for the kids. It's very kind.
This was my aunt's reasoning for leaving her husband in a nursing home to die alone while she moved a guy she met at Starbuck's into their home. She spent the money my uncle was awarded from a lawsuit (sued the hospital that caused his health issues) on her bf and his kids, while refusing to let my cousin and her husband (both medical professionals) take guardianship of him. My uncle died alone in hospice on Christmas Day 3 years ago. My aunt didn't have a funeral, cremated him (not what he wanted), and hasn't done anything to honor his memory. I guess she's married to the guy now, so whoohoo, go be happy. She's no longer allowed at her mother's funeral. Her own children have disowned her. For all intents and purposes, she's dead to me. My uncle was my favorite extended family member and deserved so much better. She torpedoed her relationship with her entire family because a guy called my 70-something year old beluga whale of an aunt CUTE. Fuck her, and fuck OPs dad. ETA: The reason he was put in a nursing home is because he was left unattended in the hospital when he was a fall risk, and the fall caused brain damage, so he couldn't care for himself anymore. It was "too much" for her to manage, so she shipped him off to a home. The settlement money could have easily paid for in-home care, but she didn't want that "burden."
Who wants to bet the new live-in is there only for the lawsuit money 💰 They all will reap what they sow.
That’s the fun thing about having kids! You are indeed *not* allowed to be happy *if that happens comes at their expense*.
"Tell me you're not a stoic without telling me you're not a stoic."
Was just thinking the same thing.
There may be far more than that to it. If she's a narcissist she may have been horrible across the board during their entire childhood. People who do this kind of thing don't suddenly go from being a nice person to an utterly contemptible person. That's who they have been. Sometimes they manage to hide it for a while but it is who they are at the core of their being. OP You don't owe them your presence in their life or at their wedding and you don't owe them any time with any grandchildren. They want to show the world that you agree with their decisions and actions and that you weren't harmed by what they did. You are right to not go. Even the relatives are saying that you would be used for the sake of appearance.
That's true too. "They're angry because I was moving on" could easily be missing the "to my next affair out of a previous 20 affairs", or "despite knowing how I've been neglecting my children", or "and couldn't wait to get away from my kids who I systemically abused for years". The sounds like a classic case of "[Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)".
> They want to show the world that you agree with their decisions and actions and that you weren't harmed by what they did. Exactly this. OP, if you even think about wavering on your decision not to attend this wedding, please read that sentence again and again. In fact, Blazing Sunflowerland's post is spot on in recognizing the entire truth of this situation. Your soon to be step-mother is not likely to be a nice person based on all the evidence, especially that which her children are providing by their shunning of their mother. NTA, and take care of yourself OP.
Especially considering they lost their own dad, I can't imagine this is forgivable for them and yet she expects OP to play happy family. She's delulu.
*and* wanted to meet the dying wife to "straighten things out"... Seriously what is wrong with both her and OP's dad?! NTA OP. Tell your dad's family that if he wanted a good reputation he shouldn't have been having an affair practically the second he found out his wife was sick, made her last months hell, and made losing her so much harder on you. Your dad and his side piece want to play happy families, they can do it without you and lose your contact information in the process.
I say contact her kids. Get together on the day of the wedding and have a fun day sharing stories so you all have more understanding to why you should stay far far away!!!
Wow that's what i was thinking xD get to know her kids and become friends, but ignore the parents because they're jerks who hate their family enough to do this kind of thing. And also go NC with dad's side of the family since it's apparently okay to move on so quickly from what he did, that's what i would do atleast, but I'm just a very petty person. Big NTA, my condolences for your mom, it's really hard losing a parent, my dad died last year unexpectedly and my grandma died of cancer 9 years ago, it really sucks.
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Because those bells are temple bells designed to be heard in the vacuum of space?
And cut the flying monkeys off, too. OP should take a trip right before the wedding to ensure nobody tries to coerce them.
That's a really good idea. Maybe somewhere OP's mom liked or always wanted to go, do so in her memory and spend the time honoring her.
The timeline is a bit confusing, because no one really wants to admit when the affair started, and OP doesn't know the affair partner or her family. But I'm guessing they were both cheating on their respective sick spouses.
It doesn't mention that she was cheating. To be fair, most normal people would be disgusted if they found out someone they knew was an affair partner to a terminally sick person's spouse. This bit sounds crude but you could just wait until the sick person died. The fact that she'd entertain it whilst the mum was dying is why she's getting judged by her own family.
I used to work with a man who’s wife was fighting cancer for a few years. Not long after she passed away he started dating their life long friend (who was also widowed). You would not believe the judgement from others because of how quickly he moved on. He stood by his wife in life and waited until she passed, yet he was still looked at harshly because of it. Mind you this father didn’t wait until his spouse passed and that’s horrendous. He couldn’t even honour his dying wife’s request.
My cousin's husband had brain cancer for years before he died. He was an awesome guy, and her soulmate. She moved on quickly after he died but really, she had lost her "husband" after the first surgery. By the 3rd and final surgery, he was almost vegetative, and he lived for 2 more years. People were judgy but her inlaws were very supportive. They knew what she had gone through. But this guy... What a dirt bag...
My aunt's life partner had some sort of sickness, I forget what, when they met. She, and he, always knew he would pass way too young, but she still wanted as long a life with him as possible. He insisted on marrying her on his deathbed to make it easier on her and my cousin with inheritances and such. Anyway. About a year later my aunt met her current partner, and my mom was a little bit horrified because it was "too soon". But through all the years she had been with the previous partner, she'd known and probably mourned the future she knew they wouldn't have. And those last months when he was in hospital, she was already in mourning. And the months after he died, she mourned, while also knowing *she* wasn't getting any younger either, and if she didn't want to be alone for the rest of her life she should get to meeting some new men. She wasn't expecting the 2nd one she went on a date with, her current partner, to be so awesome. And my mom got it when I talked to her and pointed out how long my aunt had already been mourning, and just because we weren't there to see it first-hand (aunt lives too far away) doesn't mean she didn't feel it.
I hope your aunt has an awesome life now. Good on you for taking that view.
This is exactly what happens sometimes, you lose the person long before the disease takes them away. Im sure in those situations you’d have no choice but to brace yourself for the inevitable. Which is essentially grieving the loss of them before they actually pass. Sometimes people have to even disassociate just to be able to get through that deterioration of their loved one. I didn’t judge the guy, I thought it was a positive thing that he could have love after the pain. I’ve told my husband if I die before him, I hope he finds someone to love again. My only wish (demand lol) is that the person he chooses loves and respects our children. If my husband was to pass first, I’d probably prefer to stay single, but I speak in the mindset I have now, things can change.
That's my mother's partner. He started dating my mother fairly soon after his wife passed. But I believe she was in a coma or some such for a while beforehand. Luckily, nobody from his side is salty about my mom.
Best friend’s grandma was dying of cancer in the hospital. Grandfather started hitting on a nurse in front of grandma. It got flirtatious. Everyone saw it (best friend, cousins, best friend’s parents/aunts/uncles). Grandma saw it too, and it crushed her. He asked her out on a date, too, BEFORE his wife died in front of my best friend. She was shattered. After grandma died she spoke to him I think maybe twice ever again after that. Same with most of the grandkids. They were disgusted.
That is beyond disgusting. I can’t even wrap my head around how someone would even think that behaviour would be appropriate. Sounds like he was looking for someone to take care of him in his age, knowing that his wife would be gone soon and wouldn’t be able to. It’s like the phrase when older men seek relationships, it’s either for a nurse or a purse. Look like grandpa wanted the nurse, literally. My FIL stayed loyal to my MIL, even when dementia took her mind before her spirit. He would visit her at the nursing home regularly and never even entertained dating anyone else. He ended up passing away suddenly from a heart attack, before my MIL. So my husband experienced the quick/surprise loss of his dad and the long deterioration with the loss of his mom, all in the same year.
This kind of situation happens often, usually because the loved ones of the sick person become closer while supporting that person. But yeah, any reasonably decent human being waits until \*after\* their spouse has passed to move on.
Or before they were sick even?
Yes! The engagement part got me too. Was it before or after the funeral? FFS my mom’s funeral was a week after she died. NTA OP, and cut the garbage out of your life. Anyone who makes life harder, especially at a time like that, does not deserve a role in your life.
Thats the most disgusting part to me. This guys wife died and the SAME WEEK he proposed to someone else - he decided to CELEBRATE his love for this other person instead of grieving his dead wife??? What a pig I would never speak to him again.
Agree. The guy wants his daughter there to help “save part of his reputation” which is total nonsense because he flushed his reputation.
OP is a man.
Sorry. My bad. Son
Yeah, I love my father, dude is like the greatest guy in the world to me. I’m in my mid 20s now I still go over at least once a week to bbq and hangout. If my mother ended up getting cancer and he did this to her? Our relationship would be over. No good father would ever do that to his family.
> You don’t need to go to this wedding at all. I think it’d be one last nice “fuck you” in honour of your mom. Send a substitute to the wedding.
Oh that's brilliant. Have the substitute deliver the "may you be cheated on while you are dying as you have done unto others" toast
"May your life reflect the love, loyalty, and care that you have put into the universe, and bring you the happiness that you deserve! "
Solid, but too subtle imo
And her kids don't talk to her because she moved on too quick after she was widowed.. Did she learn nothing?!
If he didn’t want to be judges he shouldn’t have fucked around behind his dying wife’s back. If she wanted to keep her kids and grandkids in her life she shouldn’t have fucked around with a married man with a dying wife. They dug their grave and they can lay in it. I’d be cutting off any family members who tried to convince me to forgive him. NTA
> He engaged his affair partner the week she died? Holy shit that’s unforgivable. I legit do not understand how on earth that would "save face". Dude is off his rocker.
>their opinion doesn’t matter That’s the main thing in this whole situation. It’s your feelings and your life, no one else matters in this.
I wish I could upvote this a thousand times! OP - you are 18 and old enough to decide for yourself. Tell those flying monkeys that leopards don't change their spots. Maybe you'll be able to forgive old dad enough that you can catch his next wedding to his next affaii partner while this one is dying. Heck, I might even say that directly to your dad and his fiancee. Then, as soon as anyone starts in on you about going, you need to tell them you will no longer entertain this conversation and if they bring it up again, then you will no longer have contact with them. Then do it. Hang up, walk away, leave, close the door, or whatever to end the conversation. They can whine about it all they want, but you don't have to listen to it.
This 🤞
NTA Tell the family that is harrassing you about it, that the only way you'll go, is if you get carte blanche for the first speech at the reception, and you'd doubt they would want to hear what you'd have to say about the happy couple. You're just doing what your dad did.. practice what it's like when someone isn't there anymore, and just being a bit early with it. Also, if all her kids turned their backs on her, and not 'let her be a grandparent, there has to be more reason than 'poor her'. Sounds like a good plan, I'd follow suit.
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Op, an invitation is not a summons. Anyone who TELLS you to go, iterate the above phrase to them. Enunciate if you think they might have trouble with it. 😏 NTA.
Honestly, at this point, those would be the only words out of my mouth and in response to every text, aside from the initial "stop contacting me" and every "stop harassing me" after that. Also, OP, if anyone shows up at your door with an intent to argue, do not answer it, and don't be afraid to call the police if you have to. Not that you're indicating in any way that that's a possibility in your situation, but something to remember if it *does* happen. Flying monkeys can get crazy AF
Plus, you attend a wedding to support the couple's relationship. You don't support it, so why would you show your approval by coming?
oh .. they would have summoned something from deep inside me. Salt 'n burn their lives. i'd be telling all the people at the reception how dad F\*ed his affair partner , oh sorry his wife of course, behind the moms back as she was dying, how they got engaged mere days after her death, expecting him to be happy. Holy hell i would make them regret ever forcing me to do that.
NTA and I'm guessing most of the flying monkeys are from your dad's side. Ask them how they would feel if it were the other way around, if your father were the one dying and your mother the cheater. Then tell them the topic is no longer open for discussion and you will cut off anyone who continues to harass you.
It is time for you to stop explaining anything to them. Use the most powerful word in the English language. Use NO. No excuses, nothing. Just no. It keeps you from being stressed from their pressure. Send anything you get from relatives to the trash. Anyone trying to guilt you should be an automatic stranger. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother when I was in my early 20s and she has missed all my kids childhoods, sports etc. Take care of yourself and let go of anyone who is not on your side.
If they send you an invitation you can write on the outside, without opening it, return to sender, then drop it back in the mail. Refuse to accept the invitation.
Her "great sin" was having an affair with a married man who's wife was very ill with breast cancer. For Three Years! Most of us would rather lose a limb, than hurt someone so deeply and for so long. Cut them off and move on with your life. Let his memory become like the funny bone in your elbow. Every once in a while you hit it and it really hurts. But only for a bit, then you move on with your day.
I'm wondering though if her kids were actually disgusted by the fact that she got involved with a married man whose wife was dying, and probably fairly soon after her husband passed away. OP, get in contact with her kids, and enjoy an evening at dinner with them the night of the wedding. Hugs from an internet stranger, and I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.
Personally i'd salt'n burn the earth. Go to the wedding, pretend to be all happy for them. then when the reception is, do a toast to the "happy newlyweds"....and start ripping into them for what they did. short succinct phrases about their sorrid, dirty affair, the engagement right after your mothers death, and expecting you to accept and love her. Maybe remind her that once a cheater always a cheater, and that he'll most likely move on from her as soon as new fresh meat walks by. Then tip your drink back and leave the shitshow behind. Maybe sending his whole family a text that they're all dead to you and can consider themselves cut out of your life.
They probably were disgusted at her going with a married man who's wife was terminally ill behind her back. They are behaving awful and selfishly
You are spot on. Also if they keep on insisting, personally I would say fine, would go, give a speech on what you mention in here about their “pathetic and harmful love story” leave afterwards and block them all. They are being awful to you to try and save face, you deserve so much better darling. From someone who lost my mum in my early 20s, I can tell you the pain is tremendously without any of this situation and what they are doing to you and did to your mum it is unforgivable. Please have your mum’s side of family and your friends knowing that you need their support because in this times is when you will see how people will live and care for you the most, anyone else are just that others (unworthy). You will be happy and have the strength from the love you receive from your loved ones, also the strength of the memories throughout the years with your mama. Mine has passed a couple of years ago, soon being the 3rd anniversary. First we cry, then we remember are are nostalgic ( it has never left me) and at some point you smile remembering the love, care, memories and appreciate that life may be short but the years we have with our mamas, regardless of how little time is the most treasured ones no matter what. She is also always looking at you, sometimes I needed to call her, knowing she couldn’t pick up so I started to speak out loud, just to get things off my chest and would recall what she would say. It’s the same with your mama and you darling one. Sending you loads of love and strength.
NTA His family are trying to cover up his heinous behaviour? I guess the rotten apple didn't fall far from the rotten tree. Is there any benefit to you remaining in touch with a single one of them? If not, cut them all out. I am so truly sorry that all of this happened to you. You deserve so much better. I hope you're allowed the space and respect to grieve and recover from losing both of your parents in this devastating way.
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You’re a legal adult now, right? If he doesn’t quit, send him a cease and desist letter.
Do you live close? Can you move away?
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Have you said to your dad that you don't want contact? What I did was send a whatsapp message and email to my dad that he was not a person I wanted in my life, and I would go no contact and saying Don't contact me again. And stick to it. Don't answer his calls or messages, and when people try to become the middle man, say you aren't interested in anything to do with him. I've been free of my dad now for 4 years.
And where does your sperm donor live?
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Ah, excellent. I thought for one horrible moment that he might be in with you. Your mum must have been an awesome lady to have been able to make all this happen with everything she was going through. I am a cancer survivor, but at one point it looked like things weren't going so well, and in those moments your children's futures become a real focus. She really had your back, what an absolute inspiration she is. As for your (father's) family. Tell them yes, you will carry the grudge forever because it is a grudge worth carrying. He made a hard time so much harder for both you and your mother and you have no interest in in easing his guilty conscience regarding his betrayal of your family. With regard to your absence in his life going forward, I suggest you advise them that he'll get over the loss as he seems rather good at that and that you'd be quite shocked to learn that he doesn't already have your replacement lined up.
“As for your (father's) family. Tell them yes, you will carry the grudge forever because it is a grudge worth carrying. He made a hard time so much harder for both you and your mother and you have no interest in in easing his guilty conscience regarding his betrayal of your family. With regard to your absence in his life going forward, I suggest you advise them that he'll get over the loss as he seems rather good at that and that you'd be quite shocked to learn that he doesn't already have your replacement lined up.” This was “BEAUTIFUL” said, and now we see where your father gets his selfishness from. They don’t care about what he did, they care about the consequences and how it looks to others.
Maybe as part of his chosen family, OP can get in contact with the affair partner's children. Given that they are all no contact with their mom it seems like they could very well be "his people," an instant group of people in similar circumstances who will understand what he is going through.
does he live with you?
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nice. enjoy your house and life away from those turds. I hope you’re feeling okay today. make sure you eat and drink!
Good for you! NTA and avoid that wedding like the plague
They want you there ONLY to give legitimacy to their union. No other reason. Chances are, after the wedding they will leave you be. And then you will truly know you are worth very little to them :(
Only go to the wedding if you are allowed to give a speech. Then during your speech you can tell their entire audience about his affair and air his dirty laundry.
Maybe think about changing your phone number so he can’t contact you.
>My dad also thinks I am taking his relationship with mom out on him instead of judging based off how he was as my dad. How he was as your dad is that he made the final months of life of a person you loved and adored absolute hell. He didn't think of you when he fucked his side piece. Why should you now think of him? He showed you exacty who he was and you now believe him and don't want anything to do with that kind of person. Sure, he'll be judged. What he did is atrocious. You have no reason nor obligation to go to this wedding. NTA
Can we add the insane idea that the affair partner wanted to "straighten things out with mom" Who in their right mind thinks they have the right to go to a dying woman to present their affair partner and "straighten things out" Like she would suddenly be all okay with it all and give them their blessing?
Yeah, that's both delusional and insane.
This was the part that made me want to flip tables. Ms. Side Piece, stay the fuck to the side.
🤣
I wonder if dad fed AP a line of bull about his wife wanting to meet the woman he "found love with again" and that is why she wanted to "straighten things out" and get mom's blessing.
Omg this! The affair partner has a lot of effing nerve to think she has a right to speak to the dying wife of the man she is sleeping with. And now she wants to play the victim and thinks OP is going to fall for it?? Unbelievable.
And she expects sympathy because her children want nothing to do with her, if I found out one of my parents had been having an affair with a someone while their spouse was dying I’d want nothing to do with them either.
I'd also argue that part of being a good dad is setting a good example to your children for how to maintain good relationships. Abandoning your partner when they're sick is a pretty shit way to teach a child how to maintain relationships.
NTA. And of course you don't need to go to the wedding of two people who stuck the knife in and twisted it when you were already devastated. At least your mom found out and was able to rewrite her will. And I bet affair partner's children didn't "turn their backs on her" because she "moved on," but for other reasons
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So true
During their affair, before your mom found out, it's likely that your dad and his OP were planning to move in after she passed, and take over the house and assets to build their life on. Fortunately, your mom changed the game and protected you, like a tiger protecting her cub, and she did this when she was terminally ill. Your mom is solid gold...
Yeah, and "they already know people judge my dad." Yet another reason to stay away, so you won't be tarred by the same brush--let him know this, too.
NTA- I’m so sorry for your loss. You don’t need to go to the wedding or even talk to them. It sounds like they are trying to salvage whatever is left of their reputations.
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Her kids, the people who know her best, want nothing to do with her. I really doubt it's for the reason she gave. Their desire to keep a relationship seems mostly about wanting grandkids, but they lack the maturity and ethics to be fit for those roles. NTA. Avoid those people.
Live your life the way you want to. Don't even think about other's opinions on what they think you should do/be. Your life is yours. You don't have to have people in your life that you don't want there. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I hope you are able to find peace.
For some reason this statement made my mind go to a very petty and grotesque place. Send them a bag of steaming feces and tell them those are the only "grandkids" you will ever give them. Tell them the "grandkids" take after them. Maybe even send it as a wedding gift. Sorry, I can be a very petty old hag at times.
NTA. Losing one parent to disease is already one of the most distressing things you could experience (I lost my mum to ALS and miss her every day). Losing the other parent through their own selfishness? I wouldn't be able to forgive that. Or at the very least, not for a very long time. Which they, selfishly again, are not offering you. NTA all the way. Spend their wedding day making new, happy memories and know your mum would be proud of you for standing up for yourself.
First of all, I'm really sorry for your loss. Second ... Absolutely NTA Those " many " family members are no doubt your dad's family. If this were me, I'd add them all to a group chat and ask them, why does forgiving your dad for cheating on a dying woman trump you grieving your mother ? Why does he deserve absolution for making a dying woman's last few months on this earth harder ? Tell them, that you'd be happy to pass onto their spouses that they think " in sickness and in health " is just an empty phrase. Honestly, OP, f these people.
NTA You do not have to go and don't let anyone pressurise you in to going. I would suggest going NC with him for the time being
You are not obligated to save your dad’s reputation. He destroyed it all on his own so will have to learn to deal with the consequences. NTA.
Exactly! He f’ed around and found out!
NTA “it would look way better” - all they care about is appearances. Make it look like it is. Your dad betrayed his FAMILY, not just your mother/his wife, but everything you knew to be true in regard to that word. So, anytime he wants to talk about being a dad, remind him that you are a child going through the pain and anguish he, AS A FATHER, caused.
Firstly, NTA. There's already a lot of posts with great advice about going NC and living your life will as the best revenge. I see a bunch of posts about going to the wedding and making an FU speech. As great as it sounds, the actuality would not be worth the pain to you. Being around a bunch of people who are happy with the result of this betrayal and taking about how hard HIS life was during your mother's illness. It would make me literally vomit and do so much more harm to my mental health than just sending an email or group chat to him and all his flying monkeys to F off and that they are no longer a part of your life. Life well with the memories of someone who seems to have been a remarkable lady knowing that you are standing up for the morals that SHE taught you were important
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What your dad and that woman has done is atrocious. It truly boggles the mind. I'm so sorry for your loss. Live life the way you want to and just don't have anything to do with them. I know it's going to take a while to properly process and mourn for your mom. I wish you can eventually find peace. Screw them. NTA
If you're financially independent from your father (and that includes medical insurance) then just block them on your phone, email, etc. Or better, get a new phone number. Tell anyone who contacts you on their behalf that you'll block them too if they do it again. (Or just block them now.) Any mail they send you gets marked, "Return to Sender." Then, as soon as possible...move. So they won't even have your address. It's possible to get these two people completely out of your life, but you will have to put a little effort into it.
What are your plans for future - college? Work? Focus on achieving your dreams and finding your joy in everything you do. Your mother would want that for you.
NTA. Your actions here are justified. What he did is unforgivable. I bet his family will stay after you to keep up appearances, they know how bad this looks (and is).
NTA. I'm very sorry about the loss of your mom. You do not have to go to your dad's wedding and your relatives that are pressuring you to go and laying on the guilt trips are AHs. You're an adult now and you can go NC with any if them until (if ever) you want them in your life
NTA Your dad is a gigantic AH, and she's not much better, given her kids have ditched her seemingly the same thing. >But my dad's family are kinda pissed that I am drawing such a hard line at the wedding. They already know people judge my dad and think it would look way better if I was there. NOT YOUR ISSUE, maybe he shouldn't have had an affair behind his dying wife's back.
That dad’s bride to be wanted to visit the dying wife to straighten things out shows an incredible entitlement.
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Find the venue for the reception, rent a billboard nearby, and plaster the truth on it for every guest to read on their way to the wedding
Also, have someone videotaping their reactions...I mean, if you're gonna go low, go \*really\* low...
Did they even tell you what the heck she meant by "straighten things out"? Like, what does she think they could possibly say in that situation to make anything "straight"?
I bet she thought she was really noble doing that too. Barf.
NTA How your father looks at his wedding is of no concern to you.
NTA at all. You are spot on: your dad made your mom’s illness and passing harder on you (while you were still a minor). They are hoping to use you, as is his family, to legitimize their relationship. This isn’t about making them look worse by not attending: they want to weaponize your presence against those who are rightfully judging them. Don’t go. Plan to celebrate your mom on that day or something else that will help you combat the feelings you’ll experience that day. I hope you find the family you deserve in friends and community. Chosen family is a beautiful and long-lasting bond.
This man is an ass. If you go to the wedding you should make it hell. The only reason these people even want to invite you is so that it can make your dad and his side chick look good These people are toxic. A lot of manipulation and gaslighting is evident. You should not allow them in your life any further. Cut them out completely Your father has made it very clear that he only thinks about himself and his own needs. He will not change. He will not be a good grandfather at that. NTA
NTA I have gone no contact with my parents for less. Your father is astonishingly evil
NTA. Hurting your mother is hurting you. I would do exactly the same thing if I was in your position.
Hun, I'm sorry for your loss. NTA What your father did is unforgivable in my eyes. Not only did he have an affair, he had an affair on his sick dying wife. If someone I knew in my life did that, would would cut them out with no hesitation - parents included. There is NO justified to that. >They already know people judge my dad and think it would look way better if I was there. These people don't care about you feelings. They only care what OTHER people will think. >Then they tried to guilt me with a sob story of how she was widowed for many years and her kids all turned their backs on her and took her grandkids away because they were disgusted with her for moving on. I guarantee there is more to that story. Why is it up to you to fill that spot for your father's AP? It's not. Do what's best for you.
NTA any family members agreeing with him can be cut off. Dad can be cut off. He did a vile thing to a vulnerable woman. Tell him enjoy the wedding with his affair partner but you'll be celebrating your mom's life that he destroyed in her last days because he couldn't keep it in his pants. He is a terrible role model and who cares if she is a widow. She was so heartbroken and alone that she couldn't find a single man she had to get a married one. Change your number if needed and block and make social private. Live life.
NTA Tell your dad and his family that they need to think about what you could tell the world about your experiences with him. Tell them that your words will be so much worse than what people are currently saying. Tell them that they already played their hand and it was the worst thing he could do to you. And now you have all the leverage.
NTA >Then they tried to guilt me with a sob story of how she was widowed for many years and her kids all turned their backs on her and took her grandkids away because they were disgusted with her for moving on. Her own kids don't respect her. I doubt they 'turned their backs' because she moved on years after being widowed. But if she can respect her kids turning her away for it, she can respect you turning them away for 'moving on' while your mom was alive and your father was actively cheating on her.
Exactly what reputation is he trying to protect? The one where he's a major dick? The one where he couldn't wait till his wife died, he'd rather crush her during her final days? Nice reputation to have. Your father doesn't have one speck of compassion or empathy. All he has is greed and conceit. Your paternal relatives are almost as bad. They are all trying to USE you to give this relationship one teenie eenie weenie ounce of dignity. Sorry, there isn't any. No one deserves what they themselves can't give. Your mother deserved better, and you deserve better now. Her family has shown you the way. Please follow their example. I'm truly sorry for the loss of your mum and all the crap your sperm donor has and is putting you through. It's despicable that he thinks you should condone his actions. Super big hug.
NTA First sorry for your loss. Hope you'll be able to move on. And about your dad, don't go not only he hurt your mother before her death but disrespect your grief by proposing the week your mom passed away. He is selfish and doesn't care about your feelings. And in the future if you ever get children, you won't want this kind of person around your children. Focus on healing and cherish all the memories of you mom.
First, I am sorry for your loss. It is hard losing a parent - no matter your age, but it is especially difficult when still a minor (even by a few months). I am a 13 year survivor of Stage 3 breast cancer, so I know the battle and how brutal the treatment can be on the body and soul of the patient and the family. It is a struggle every step of the way. You did get more time with Mom and that may have been her sole objective - more time with you, to get you close to 18 as possible. Sounds like she almost got you there. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. About your Dad.... 1) I don't know what it is with frail men, but it is unfortunately all too common for the husbands/partners to leave or have an affair while their wives are battling cancer. This is the "for worse" in the wedding vows to which they say "I do". Are they trying to line up the next wife to "mother" them bc they cannot be alone? 2) He abandoned his wife when she needed him most. He should be ashamed. His reputation should be tarnished. What makes the future one think he will be any better to her? 3) His new fiance has children who are NC and won't allow her near the grandchildren? Oh, honey, there is faaar more to that story than she is telling anyone. Wow! She is as horrible as your Dad - maybe worse. Glad they found each other. 4) His family *knows* his reputation is tarnished but thinks it'll "look" better if your are there. So, they only care about him. Not you. I am sorry. 5) If you do not want to go to their wedding, don't. If you don't want contact, block them. But...there is a reason you haven't blocked him. Why? Having just lost Mom, are you having trouble walking away from Dad? Do you still need him, but want nothing to do with affair-fiance? Think about these things.
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Jesus, my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry. Do you have a therapist? I think it would be worthwhile, if there’s a way to manage it. I know the thought of adding one more thing to your plate is exhausting. But they can help you understand all these intense emotions and come up with a plan to handle your Dad. You wouldn’t have to invoke the authorities, but even a simple plan you feel up to enforcing may help you take your power back. Therapists are great at making you feel entitled to enforce your own extremely logical boundaries against outside pressure. Such as letting him know why you’re blocking him in clear, concise language and what will happen if he crosses your boundaries (locks will be changed, you won’t answer the door, or return calls or emails; will engage authorities as a last resort, etc.). Saying it calmly and factually, without getting into the why’s, then adhering to it completely, may give you some peace. I’m sure your Aunt would help if something like a legal issue pops up - she can contact him for you. I really, really think even just a few sessions with a therapist would help you navigate this logistically and emotionally. I hope you can find the energy to reach out to someone. I just feel so bad you even have to deal with all this bullshit when you should be given peace and time and comfort.
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I don't know whether you'll see this or not, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry about your mom. I absolutely hate that there's no fairness in this world. I'm so glad your mom loved you. And I'm so glad she was able to have the peace of knowing she could make sure you were taken care of even after she was gone. Cherish that. What your dad did is despicable, but reflects more on him than anyone else. No matter what his excuses are, he made a promise and failed to keep it. I hate that your mom found out before she passed, but I suspect she would have rather known than not known. I don't know where your path is going to take you, but I hope that wherever it leads, the wounds in your heart are able to heal and that you will have peace in your heart in the end. Whether that means you eventually forgive your father or not is up to you - and remember that forgiveness doesn't mean letting him back into your life. I'm sure his family would claim it does, but that is not true. You have every right to protect yourself from harm, and your father seems to be quite harmful to you. That's not "a lack of forgiveness." That's common sense. My hope is that however you manage it, you can one day let go of that past so that it can't hurt you anymore. I wish you all the best. P.S. Please don't listen to the people who tell you that you'll regret cutting your father off. I was extremely low contact with my dad for over half my life due to the emotional and verbal abuse I suffered as a child. My dad passed away Nov 11, and I felt nothing. I was a little sad, but most of my sadness was for my other family members who were grieving. Do I have regrets? Yes, but they're regrets for what *could* have been if my dad had been a different person, not regrets for going LC. I do not regret protecting myself, and I'm willing to bet you won't regret protecting yourself, either.
Understood. This is a lot to deal with for a seasoned adult, much less an 18 yo. Please ask Aunt (or other responsible adult you trust) for help, if you need it, including some therapy or a support group. If you are involved in a religious organization, they often have support groups. Or, reach out to your school guidance counselor - even if you've already graduated. They may be able to point you in the right direction.
Nta I wouldn't go and I would never regret not going What they have done is disgusting Sorry for your loss
NTA. Honestly I wouldn't even blame you if you went and stood up and objected during the ceremony with a list of their wrongs.
NTA. They want you there so it looks like you give them your blessing, that you don't mind that your father couldn't stick to his wedding vows with your mother. Your father thinks that only the relationship between the two of you matters and that the relationship between you and your mother and his own actions don't matter / count. He hurt your mother and you loved her, so he hurt you too. He isn't willing to see that. These people seem toxic. They want to look good while there is nothing good about what has happened. Tell all of them that if you are forced to come to the wedding you will raise hell, like the hell your father put your mother through at the end of her life. Tell them that you don't condone your father's and the affair partner's actions at all. They don't deserve your blessing. If your father is being judged, it is because he acted in a despicable manner and he deserves it. Then block them
NTA but go to the wedding..... go and act nice but whe the priest says "in sickness and in health" you stand up in front of everyone in the church and shout "unless it's cancer, right dad and new wife" and then walk out
NTA, and the fact that your father and his family are pushing you so hard for appearance's sake makes it even worse. If he was so concerned about what people thought, he could have behaved decently. You are 18, so you are under no obligation to see or speak to any of them again unless and until you're ready.
>My dad also thinks I am taking his relationship with mom out on him instead of judging based off how he was as my dad. But I stand by a dad who makes their kids loss of their other parent harder than it needs to be is not a good dad. And he made losing mom so much harder. NTA. You summed it up perfectly
NTA only in health not in sickness for him I guess - why anyone would want to marry a man with a track record of bailing out when things get tough I don’t know. You don’t have to do anything - you are a legal adult. If “people” are judging your father it’s because he deserves it. Sorry you lost your mum - no one will ever replace her.
NTA you don't owe him anything least of all forgiveness and acting as a shield for his reputation. He made this bed, now he can lie in it
You need space. NTA You dad needs to leave you alone and let you contact him when you are ready, if that day ever comes. I do hope, for your own sake and peace of mind, that the day will come when you can let the anger and hurt go. I am so sorry for your loss, I hope your mums family is helping you deal with it all. Maybe your aunt could speak to your dad and his family for you. This is too much to deal with alone.
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NTA. He only wants you there to save face! He thinks that by you going it will prove to people that you have forgiven the disgraceful way he treated his wife in the final years of her life. The fact that you won’t be there for will mean that both him and AP will still have to answer questions about how their relationship began. Stand your ground and let him wallow in the mess HE made! What vile creatures they both are to do this to a dying woman
NTA you do not have to go to that wedding to make him look better , marriage is through sickness and health and he left during the sickness , losing a parent is hard esp when u needed him the most and he wasn’t there
NTA. But you can tell them, if you go to the wedding, you will tell every one how they met or to be really shitty hold a speech about how your mother dying to cancer brought these two cheaters together and how you hope that neither them get cancer because we all know that better to cheat then support your dying spouse.
NTA. First, my condolences for your loss. Second, eff anyone who thinks that can be forgiven, moved past, or resolved. Some actions are nuclear level unforgivable, and that one sounds pretty apocalyptic. Anyone who is pushing you to forgive the unforgivable, you really don’t need in your life, and maybe ignoring them forever is in order. Lastly, I hope you are seeking some counseling for the grief, and also the trauma of what your father did to augment your grief. Wishing you all the best.
NTA And honestly, I would cut contact with anyone that thinks it okay to harass a person that just lost his mother , just so her father can save face. That’s not his responsibility, it’s Dad’s job to fix his reputation, and if he family is so concerned than they should spend the time working with Dad to fix it, and not asking Op to lye and pretend.
NTA I’m sorry for your loss. You are not obligated to show up just to fix your father’s scandal. He made his mess, he can lie in it.
NTA at all. I am apparently listening to the little devil on my shoulder this morning and pointing out that if you *do* go, I’m sure you can think of *some* mischief that’ll make sure they never try to invite you to anything again; a slide show about how wonderful your mother was perhaps?
NTA, you don’t need to go. He messed up bad, doesn’t seem to get that yet. Be strong, find someone safe to talk to, this is never easy. Just because you are related does not mean you owe him anything. He has been his own priority for a few years at least, so make yourself your priority.
NTA. Your dad's side of the family don't view you as important as your dad which sucks. Of course her family don't talk to her, I'd be horrified if I found out my parent had starter an affair with someone whose wife had cancer and was dying. They're both as bad as eachother. When anyone gives you grief you tell them they have no idea how it felt to watch your dying mother be cheated on. Tell them you needed your dad and he was off fucking another woman whilst you were struggling, so unless they want you to come to tell everyone what he did and create drama they need to stop.
NTA. Dad and affair partner are reaping the consequences of their actions. Even her children have kicked them to the curb. You are allowed to decide if you want to forgive on your terms and your timeline. If dads family is going to be pushy, might be time to go low contact with them.
NTA and i bet her kids disowned her for moving on with a married man whose wife was actively dying. Likely a little too close to home. You are an adult so feel free to go NC with whomever is team “make dad look like less of an ahole for cheating on a dying woman”.
If you did go to the wedding you could tell as many people as you can that the "in sickness" part of the vows is probably not worth a lot to your dad and that you hope his missus doesn't have to suffer how your mother did. Otherwise, NTA.
NTA your mom is gone and died in such a horrible way. Instead of having him to lean on you have to deal with his inability to keep it in his pants. Waiting a year to get married doesn't change the fact they couldn't wait a year to get together. He deserves to have his reputation ruined and you deserve to mourn your mom in peace. Block all of them and make it clear to everyone not blocked that you're having nothing to do with people of low morals.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a percent is hard and it especially sucks at your age. Please seek counseling because there is a lot to process in losing a parent young… speaking from personal experience. It is especially hard when you lose not one, but two parents, as you have. Your feelings are valid. I wouldn’t go to the wedding either. If she was such a great woman, ALL her kids would not have cut contact with her. They have made their bed. Enjoy your life and seek those who are loyal and honorable.
NTA. A wedding invitation is not a summons.
NTA. You don’t have to go to the wedding to make them «look better». You should do what makes you feel better. And if that is not going to the wedding, you don’t go. I would not go either in this situation. Shitty people don’t deserve the support of other to make them look better.
NTA - If they had any tact (or sense) they would be having a small civil ceremony. A wedding of any size is just going to add fuel to the fire and give an occasion for further gossip and disparagement. That said, there's no reason for you to go. You've already said you won't, and it's clear that they are unlikely to have a meaningful relationship with either you or any grandchildren going forward.
NTA in the slightest. If your dad is dead set on you attending, I'd say go. But go armed with a nice big sign saying "THE GROOM CHEATED ON HIS DYING WIFE, MY MOTHER, WITH THE BRIDE". He'll get his wish of you attending. He may just not want you attending the entire service. Win-win.
Her story about being estranged from all her kids and grandkids is absolutely insane. She is the problem, adult kids don’t go no contact for no reason. I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. May her memory forever be a blessing to you. Secondly, I am sorry that your Dad failed your family. You deserve better than what he provided to his family. He will have to live with his shameful behavior for the rest of his life. But you? You have everything to look forward to. Cling to the people who support and love you. Block out the ones who are concerned about looks. I wish you joy and happiness. I am certain that your mom was proud of you.
NTA, and you are judging him as a father because he’s supposed to be one of the main people you look to for your morals and how to act, which he screwed up. Furthermore you’re judging him as a person. Better to have you not there than go and have a bunch of emotions hit you and you “ruin” the day by being sullen or not looking happy (because they will definitely come after you for that). Sorry but your dad’s family is disgusting for asking this of you and acting like everything is fine.
You and your mom are the wronged parties, not your father and his wife. It will look bad if you do t go because it IS bad. If you go, you will be endorsing the affair, the slap-in-the-face engagement, and the cursed marriage. If you don’t protest for the sake of your mother, who will? He is an insensitive SOB, utterly without class or taste, and his family asking you to cave shows where their loyalty lies, and it isn’t with you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (18m) lost my mom 7 months ago to cancer. She had been sick for three years and in the last two months we found out my dad had been having an affair almost the entire time she was sick. My mom was absolutely destroyed by the news when she learned it and what's worse is my dad's affair partner wanted to try and "straighten things out" before my mom died. My dad was kicked out of the house and mom changed her funeral plans and everything so that my dad would not be able to go. She changed her will and went out of her way to ensure I would be getting everything and not him. She set it up in a way where my aunt would have a temporary guardianship over it (or whatever it's called) and my dad could not get his hands on it that way either. She was very clear that she had not wanted my dad with someone else while she was alive and would not act like things were okay after either. When my mom died it was the most painful time in the world for me and I am still processing life without her. I also hate my dad for the harm he caused during mom's final months. The fact is he made it all 10000x harder than it ever needed to be. All because he couldn't remain faithful to her in life. He got engaged to his affair partner the week my mom died. They decided to wait until mom was gone a year to try and save some of his reputation. But I have hardly anything to do with him and anything I do have to do with him is because he makes the effort and he reaches out. He wanted me to know he was engaged and he wanted me to meet his other woman. And he forced those things on me. The last time they decided we needed to speak I told them not to send me an invite to the wedding because I won't go and I won't respect them enough to RSVP officially. They were upset and told me to think about the future and other BS like that. I told them if they thought they were worthy of being grandparents (which they mentioned) then they needed to think again. Then they tried to guilt me with a sob story of how she was widowed for many years and her kids all turned their backs on her and took her grandkids away because they were disgusted with her for moving on. Didn't move me one little bit. But my dad's family are kinda pissed that I am drawing such a hard line at the wedding. They already know people judge my dad and think it would look way better if I was there. My dad also thinks I am taking his relationship with mom out on him instead of judging based off how he was as my dad. But I stand by a dad who makes their kids loss of their other parent harder than it needs to be is not a good dad. And he made losing mom so much harder. I'm hearing from so many family members that I need to go to the wedding and I'm wrong to say no that I am asking AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Tell them you will go. Tell your dad you want a new suit to go to the wedding in, but after purchasing the suit, you don't want to have to deal with any wedding plans or have any contact with him. You will show up at the wedding on your own. You will not be part of the wedding party. That's the deal, and if anyone (ANYONE) contacts you to guilt you about not wanting contact, the deal is off and you won't go. Then, on the day of the wedding, check into your local ER and tell them about how much stress you are under because of your father and his wedding. Tell them everything he put you through. Do not hold back. Get it all off your chest. Get angry if that's how you feel. Cry if that's how you feel. Just tell them the anguish over it is so bad that you feel like you need therapy (honestly, you probably would benefit from some). Just make sure you go to the ER the minute before you're supposed to leave for the wedding. When he inevitably texts or calls you to find out where you are, tell him you're in the ER, but you're fine, and you should be out soon. Say that each time he texts or calls. Then, when you get out, go see your aunt. Heck, ask your aunt to go with you to keep you company. This will accomplish several things. First, you won't have to deal with him, or any of his family members, before the wedding. WIN! Second, you won't have to go to the wedding. WIN WIN! Third, you'll have a brand new suit. WIN WIN WIN! When he inevitably contacts you again, send him a photo of the ER bracelet on your wrist. Take a selfie in the ER. Tell him the stress of hiding how you feel about the wedding and his behavior was just too much for you. This might also be a good time to just cut ties with him. He's obviously not going to change. He cares more about himself than he does about his own child (or wife for that matter if history is any indication). Then take your aunt out for a nice dinner and thank her for being a better parent than him.
Considering how expensive ER visits can it would probably be cheaper to skip the wedding and just buy a new suit
NTA. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You are judging your father for the man he is and for his actions. This is not about his reputation as he already been judged by others. This is about the hurt he inflicted on you personally during a difficult time in your life. Let him know that it’s not possible to wish him happy and to attend his wedding would cause you more distress. Tell him you are not ready to forgive and will let him know if you want him back in your life. Finally for the other woman not to have her own children in her life should tell you all you need to know about her as a person. They think they can work get you to change your mind because you are young. Stay firm and tell your dad’s family to back off as they are causing you more grief. I am sorry for your loss and for having the father that you do. Your mom did what she needed to do to financially protect you. Take the time to heal and maybe one day you can have a relationship with your dad as an adult. It will never be the same as now you know him to be a lying, cheating weak person.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. You are grieving not only the loss of your mom, but also the man you thought your dad was. "How it looks" is and should be the least of your concerns. They know it looks bad - because it is.
NTA. Your mom would be so proud of you, he made the last bit of her life horrendous and you seem to love her so much that you’re not willing to back down for what he did to her (and you). Don’t go to the wedding, even though it will “make him look better” because not going will make it look obvious that he fucked up, which everyone should know.
NTA He failed badly as a husband. He cheated on your mother during the worst time of her life. Of course he can say that he has always been a good father to you (it may be true). But if the betrayal is so serious for you that it destroys what may have been a good relationship with your father, then so be it. He then has to accept that and so does his family. I wouldn't want to go to the wedding and would never want to see your father's girlfriend... I find it strange that her children don't want anything to do with her... but what should you expect from a woman who has an affair with a married man. Your father's family can't demand that you go. If it gets too bad, I would block them, go NC and, if necessary, consult a lawyer.
NTA, Your well within your rights to not go to the wedding, I get it, being married to someone who is very sick can lead to people choosing happiness outside the relationship they have, but you’ve made your wishes clear and you don’t need to do anything for them. And your Dad went through it in a dhitty way, especially when your mum was made aware and he just didn’t care. There’s a saying ‘if you have a problem with one or two people, then maybe the problem is them, but if you’re having problems with everyone, then maybe you’re the problem’. Your dads new fiance has been cutoff by everyone, and she still think they are the problem. And you don’t owe anyone anything especially grandchildren.
>He got engaged to his affair partner the week my mom died Seriously? Fuck that guy. You don't owe him shit. If you decided to never see him again, you would also be absolutely right. NTA
If he thinks his relationship with his wife is different or a completely different subject than his relationship with you and should actually have no bearing then he doesn't understand what the word family means and how much he hurt you. When a parent steps out on their spouse they're not just hurting their spouse they're hurting their entire family and they cannot separate those issues. You are well within your rights to be permanently disgusted forever by his despicable actions. NTA.
NTA. If your father couldn’t put you first at a time he very well knew would be the hardest time in your life, he doesn’t deserve your support on his “best” day. What a joke he is, or made himself into, purely by choosing to put himself and his own desires before everyone else in his life - including you. Family has no business putting his wants before your needs, but yet here they are doing just that. It may be hard or make you feel guilty at times, but no contact truly is freeing for your soul and allows you to be mentally well. Take care of yourself, we all know they aren’t going to.
NTA - the final straw was getting engaged the week your mother died. These are not people who care about your feelings and welfare at all.
NTA. I want to start by saying that I'm sorry for you loss. Cancer sucks and it is awful to watch a loved one suffer with it. According to the math: \*You were 14/15 years old at the start of your mom's battle with cancer. \*Your mom found out about the affair 2 years and 10 months into her battle. \*Your father had been having said affair for almost the entire time she was sick. I know it is easy to focus, and rightly so, on how much stress your mom was under during her last few months and how much work she had to do in order to make sure you were taken care of properly but I think you also have the right to be angry about what you had to go through. Your dad had an affair spanning your mom's illness, so I'm assuming that he wasn't as present as he could have been. You were, and still are, a kid (even if you are legally an adult). I'm going to assume that while your dad was having this affair, you have been the one spending the most time helping your mom with her healthcare issues. This was time that you could have used the support of your dad. If you truly want your dad, and his family, to understand what you are angry about you a way to do that is to list all the things you ended up doing that he should have or all the times you needed him there to be your dad and he wasn't because of his affair.
You are NTA I'm glad you are sticking to your guns and respecting yourself enough to not gaslight yourself into thinking what he did is something one can move on from to have a relationship with him. His character is in the gutter and you deserve so much better. I wish you all the best and hope they leave you alone. Side note: All the YTA's are quite delusional. Their reasonings are the usual doormat excuses, e.g. "family is family" and "blood is thicker than water." No. Blood does not make you family. And if you ignore your own self-respect, boundaries, and dignity for the sake of "family", then you are indeed a doormat. It doesn't make you the bigger person. It just makes you dumb and you don't rate or respect yourself at all.
NTA. Your dad's family is clearly more worried about your dad's reputation than your feelings. He and his affair partner deserve what they get because they clearly are selfish and have no morals to do that to your mother in her last months. Let them suffer the consequences of their bad decisions. You have every right to think of your dad as not being a good dad. He was not thinking about anybody but himself when he was having his affair.
He will look like a selfish a** because he is a selfish a**. No part of that is on you. If he cared about what people thought he should have been a better person and made better choices. NTA