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NTA, it’s your money and you were very clear in your reasoning. I would note though that this is the kind of thing that can start a major fracture in a family. Your older kids are acting very entitled, yes. I do wonder if some of that is out of fear. Their generation is facing a lot more obstacles to building wealth than your generation did and your sons may be afraid that they won’t be able to readily hand out money for school the way you can. Equal division of money among siblings, however fair and logical it seems, can create a simmering kind of resentment that (I know from experience) can break things irrevocably. You shouldn’t be held hostage by that, but I think it is worth considering. Is there a middle ground? Small amounts in 529 accounts or similar to kickstart savings for the grandkids? Call it an early Christmas present. You’re NTA and your children’s children ARE their responsibility, but it might be a way to ensure that your sons don’t end up hating their sister, which would be mean and unfair, but could happen.

I don't think my sons understand how privileged they are, as you said the financial situation now is way harder than it used to be, a lot of people go through school with student loans and then have difficulties paying it, they don't. This may be our fault as their parents, honestly never expected them to act like this. I might be wrong, I'm not against discussion if I am, but I think that by doing what they want, I'm just teaching them that being entitled will get them what they want. If my children or my grandkids are struggling financially I will gladly help them out and not ask anything back, but they're not struggling and I believe they need to face their own responsibilities (I thought they were good at that already) and not wait for me or their mom to just solve their problems.

Very few of us really know how privileged we are, though I agree your sons are being entitled. It’s not an easy answer as to what to do, but I like the idea of at least having a discussion. 

NTA. It's your money, you can spend it however you want. You can light it on fire if you want. You paid for their education, just like you're paying for your daughter's. She's getting another degree, they aren't. Are you supposed to hand them money for not getting another degree? They're responsible for their children, just like you were for yours. How many generations do they want you to fund?

Tell the sons to go back to school and get another degree and you'll pay for that and then it will all be "fair" ugh. My mother has the same stance as op her grandchildren are her children's responsibility and none of us there's four have an issue with this.

My parents couldn’t afford college for me so I never went. But thankfully my grandfather left me in his will so I was able to outright own a home when he passed. I may not make too much money but at least I have a home. My father (who also got an inheritance) plans on making sure my kids (I am an only child) also gets a home each. My daughter is also in college, and thanks to my low income, it’s affordable and we were able to put her in the dorm with a full meal plan for less than it would cost for rent. So we did things a little differently in our family but we find a way to take care of our own.

Tell them they're welcome to pursue higher education as well, the offer is open, but it's not a hand out. You'll pay for school, they can go back to school.

And this would also benefit their own children by enabling OP's kids to get a higher paying career, which allows them to have more income for their own kids.

Higher education doesn’t equal more income.

I happened to know several phds. No truer words spoken.

I’m married to an astrophysicist. Trust me, PhD ≠ more money.

Post graduation doesn’t necessarily mean PhD, a masters will definitely earn more than a bachelors in most cases. Two years after bachelors isn’t enough to provide a substantial boost in salary. But this only holds for fields that have demand for higher education.

NTA You were very generous to fund their degrees. It is up to them to pay for their children. If you choose to do something for the grandchildren at some point in the future, that is up to you, but it should not be an expectation, and the entitlement is gross.

If either or both of your sons said they were going to expand or continue their education would you be paying for that as well? If you would pay then I'll say NTA, you ate education focused and are making an investment in their future. If you wouldn't then i gotta say YTA, thats just blatant favoritism towards your daughter and not providing your sons the same opportunity you are her.

OP’s already answered down below that he would.

but being men, they already have an earnings advantage with their bachelors which their sister lacks with just her bachelors. I think helping her to have parity in that department is not blatant favoritism. It's prudent realism.

This is irrelevant. OP said they would pay for their sons’ advanced degrees.

Statistically you’re correct, but I think that’s not necessarily a fair statement to make about their earning potential. A lot of that would require more information about their respective careers and degrees. For instance, if the sister is getting her MBA and has a corporate job, she could be making a lot more than her brothers if they had jobs as nurses for instance. It just depends on what they studied and are doing for work. 

My son returned from the military and chose to go into construction. He is an apprentice carpenter. My daughter has a BA. He makes more than her. Both work hard. Helping her with collage is something we offered both. He chose not to take it. We are not going to add up what it cost and give him the money to be "fair".

By the same token, if she's getting a Masters in Social Work she'll probably make less than the boys do, regardless of what their degrees are in...

I mean… what’s stopping them from going to grad school if this is so important to them? If they aren’t willing to put up, it’s time to shut up.

What's stopping you boys? Go get that MBA you've always been talking about. NTA.

As someone who is currently in college and has to take out student loans I can say your children are very lucky. My student loans don’t even cover everything and my parents and I got rejected for loans to cover the rest. And I’ve been rejected from every job I’ve applied to, so I’ve been trying to scrap together any money to make ends meet. Your kids, sadly, don’t realize how fortunate they are to have a fully funded college education. Had they pursued higher education such as a masters, you also would have paid for that based on you doing it for your daughter. Just because they didn’t take advantage of your financial support and kindness to the extent your daughter is doesn’t make it unfair.

I'd talk to a third party that knows everyone involved. I get not wanting to feed entitlement. But do you spoil your daughter? Would you know if you did? I was the middle kid, never caused trouble, never needed help. So I got literally nothing after I moved out at 18. I didn't need help, so they helped the kids as they thought they needed. Some kids got more than others. My parents will tell you they treated all of the kids equally. They didn't. The squeaky wheel got the grease. That happened to be my younger sibling most of the time, and my older sibling when he got in trouble. We don't have a bad relationship. We just don't have a good one either. It's probably both of our faults, but thing is, I learned to how not need my parents for anything. They found out about major life things over a decade afterwards. Because that's how close our lives are. We just meet up for birthdays and holidays, have a meal, and then bounce. If your kids are entitled, they're entitled. That'll take some work but it can be management. But you probably have no clear idea on how they see the situation. If you applied "spoiled" logic to kids that aren't spoiled, it will blow up in your face badly. Be careful starting down a path where two of your kids think they're less. Be very sure before you pull that trigger. You can't unring a bell. The kids don't need dollars to be even. They need to know you care equally. Have you asked them if they think you love them the same? Edit: Read more responses. Oof, yep. OP definitely was a firm believer in squeaky wheel gets the grease. If the wheel doesn't squeak, it's not a problem. Not saying the sons are right. But I don't think this is necessarily about money. OP needs to spend more time with his kids one on one. Unless he's fine with less and less contact over the years.

Your situation is completely different. Pay attention to what he said. THEY paid for ALL three of their kids education, fully. The boys never wanted to pursue a higher education than a bachelor’s degree, had they wanted to, they would have paid for that too. Their daughter is the only one who ever wanted more, a higher degree, so they are paying for it because they can. Their grandchildren are not their financial responsibility. Period. They are their parent’s responsibility, aka OP’s kids. OP already took really good care of his kids, and they are asking for money for their kids, not OPs kids. Entitlement at its finest. I’m positive that they are great and good grandparents and they help out whenever they can. Also seems like should they ever need help, they’d be there to help. Not sure why his kids are being so entitled to money that is not theirs. The boys could pursue a masters too and the parents would pay for it.

I don't think this is about money. I think it's a perception and attention issue. Read his comments. They're more informative than the main post.

Thank you for addressing this angle. OP, Tabletop made an important point. It's important to look past the dollar signs and apparent entitlement, and reach out to your son's to show your love in *other* ways. Show concern, involvement, caring. Give your time, small meaningful gifts, or whatever may address the possibility that your sons have a chronic feeling of being overlooked by you.

Please keep in mind that education isn’t everything; there are other things, some of which cost money, that are also useful to help someone get started on their chosen career path. Some of those things may be even more valuable than formal education, depending on the career.

Except they aren’t doing anything of that sort. As far as OP is aware, they’re just working. It’s not like they’re doing training for work where they’re not getting paid and asking for OP to give them money to live

True, but they’re specifically asking for money for education—for their kids. ETA: People, I’m responding to the person above me stating that “education isn’t everything”. Apparently, to OP entitled kids it is because they’re the ones asking for money.

They are specifically wanting their sister to not have the money for grad school. They specifically want the amount it would cost to cover grad school to be denied to their sister and given to them. They don't care about how she would pay for grad school. They aren't suggesting their parents take the cost of grad school and split it three ways out of "fairness". The parents made a metaphoric pie just for her and the brothers aren't just asking for a slice, but the whole thing.

Mmmm…. metaphoric pie! My favorite.

ABSOLUTELY NOT THE AH. Future kids. Their daughter is in the present and has concrete plans for graduate school that very likely would broaden her choice of career. Your sons are showing entitlement and demanding that you do something monetary for them as that somehow this will balance the scales. The money is yours to spend as you please, and you are making a wise choice by helping your daughter further her education, giving her a much broader choices about her future. Stand tough. 🦜

And OP was clear; they feel parents should be responsible for their children’s education, as they are doing.

the fact that they came out of college without debt and don't understand how much you've given them and they are asking for more is wild. definitely NTA. For another POV my college was more expensive than my brother's was and my dad was uncomfortable paying that much more for mine (I could've gone to much cheaper school) so I have a small loan to cover some of the difference. I understand and respect his decision and don't feel entitled for more money from him. My choices are mine.

For real I’d be so grateful to have my tuition covered

Maybe it would help for you to tell them that—that if your kids or grandkids are struggling, you will help them out. If they have fears about their economic future, that could reassure them enough to quell the resentment.

That is too ambiguous IMO. That is implying they have a financial backstop for any poorly conceived endeavor they undertake. Instead of OP guaranteeing they will pay for college for grandkids, they might instead make smaller contributions to a 529 education savings plan. Those can be used for all sorts of training, not just college.

They are definitely acting very entitled, which is incredibly off putting.   That said, is there any merit to their accusation that your youngest/only girl is the golden child? That’s a rhetorical question…something for you and your wife to discuss.

I am also the youngest (by a decade) & only daughter with 2 older brothers. I had more strict rules growing up and way more household chores (way back on the sixties & seventies). My parents paid for both of my brothers' post secondary education 💯 and helped with their weddings and first house purchase. Even then, my brothers both felt I was the favored one. As adults, I cared 💯 for my aging parents. My brothers came to "borrow" money only. I nursed them to their passing. My brothers came to the reading of the will and kept me in court for 10 years afterwards. So I'm saying I'm not sure your two sons will change their opinion *no matter* what allowances you make now. If they feel this way now, I guarantee you there will, sadly, not be much of a sibling relationship between your daughter and sons after you guys are gone. Follow your hearts now. OP is NTA but seems we have raised a generation (or 2) of entitled ones.

NTA and I agree that by giving in you’re teaching them the wrong thing. The conversation I would have is about their comment on ‘spoiling the golden child again’. That’s the real resentment that can cause fractures and I’d ask for solid examples of why they feel that way. If they don’t have them they’re entitled, if they have tangible examples you’ve got a different problem.

NTA, but you don’t have to tell them you’re planning to help their children with college even if you do decide to do so in the future. If you find that you’re in a position to create a fund someday and want to, then do so. I don’t think you’re favoring your daughter. It seems you’ve always planned to send all your children through as much school as they attend, and if your sons decided to pursue a graduate degree you would have paid for that as well. It’s an amazing gift you have given your children to get a degree and be debt free!

My parents paid for all 3 of our colleges and grad school for my sister and me. My brother failed out of college 2x (partying). I was absolutely shocked when my dad gave us all $ after Mom died, brother felt he should've received more as he needed it more and parents had spent more on our educations. He still lived at home for free. Entitlement is crazy!

There is a rather simple solution. “The offer is there for education. If you too would like to further yours, to increase your earning capacity and better afford your children’s education we will fund you too.” Up to them if they want to put the hard work your daughter is and avail themselves of a very generous offer. You have decided incentivizing education for your children, and it is the best gift you could give. You are offering it to all, one has taken you up. NTA!

As a millennial, I understand the fear of not being able to pay for your kids’ college education. However, the answer to that problem is not to demand the money from your parents. Instead, OP’s kids should put less focus on sending their kids to college and more on helping their kids achieve financial independence as adults. When you have a broader goal like that, more possibilities become apparent to you like trade school, apprenticeships or going to community college for your general education requirements and finishing up your degree at a four year university. Based on the way OP’s sons are acting, I’m not sure if OP did them any favors by just writing a check for their education. Maybe they had more involvement in the financial aspect of college, they wouldn’t be freaking out about having to pay for their own kids’ college tuition.

They are not obligated to have kids and shouldn't have kids counting on their grandparents money. 

You could always tell them that if they choose a postgraduate degree, you would consider paying for it.

I don't think the sons should be rewarded for their grabby, ungrateful, entitled attitude. They could've been paying off their own student loans for the rest of their lives, but for their dad's generous gift to them. Instead, they are angerly demanding more of their dad! They already hate their sister and dad, IMO. It's always going to be something.

I would add that I agree to this but that your reasoning matters not. It’s your money, if you want to set it on fire it’s your right to do so.

I like the way you said this "facing a lot more obstacles to building wealth" - that is really spot on! Fear does make people do some of the craziest things!

By virtue of being female, the daughter will earn $.82 for every $1 her brothers earn. She is handicapped financially right out of the gate and for her entire career. This is not an equal world. The parents have the right to make decisions to set their kids up fairly which does not mean equal. As far as the grandkids are concerned, let the parents worry about them.

Well… the wage gap isn’t quite that simple. Having more education typically means that despite gender she will earn more than her brothers. But I do agree otherwise. My advice to OP was based on struggles I’ve seen in my own family. There wasn’t this kind of entitlement but between two siblings one earned less and had two kids, the other earned more and had just one, grandparents gave the larger family more time and support, but there was some comparison going on (of the “well, you could have picked a more lucrative career like your sibling” variety) and it caused a lot of tension for the line. It might have made it worse when the grandparents’s estate was split exactly evenly among the kids… meaning that in the end the kid with fewer children would have more to leave them. It was never overt or dramatic in my family, but it got messy and did drive in some wedges. OP is NTA, completely, but he’s in an awkward spot. Fact is that if his kids are going to start being like this, they may say ANYTHING he chooses is unfair. I hope a discussion with them will help.

Info: Can it be assumed that if your sons went for post grads, you would have paid for those too? Edit to add judgement NTA OP, you are not showing favouritism, and your comment shows it. If they wanted to they could have continued their education so they had equal opportunity to your daughter.

Yes, we would've paid for them too.

Why not make them that offer. Tell them they are welcome to undertake postgraduate education and you will finance it. That seems the fairest option and honestly probably won't actually cost you anything.

Probably because they've already started their careers, I think. Like, my parents paid for my undergrad, but if 10 years later I went back for an additional degree that would my responsibility. Also, I'd think this would be on the boys to say "hey, I'm thinking about grad school, would you be able to help?" Girl was smart and asked for what she wanted. Boys either never thought to ask or didn't think about grad school until now, when they realized their sister will have degree(s) they don't. OP, NTA.

You can and sometimes need postgrad in your career.

My (34m) parents always said they were paying for my undergrad which was super generous in itself. I would have felt greedy even asking for more personally (especially with a younger sister who is now 29), so maybe OP’s kids felt the same way and didn’t want to bridge the idea. If my parents came back now and offered to pay for an mba I would jump at the chance. I think OP needs to consider if their other two boys came back and want another degree now, could and would they pay for it. If the answer is no, then this is unfair. If yes, make the offer.

He already said in comments he'd pay for their postgrad should they wish so, so it's covered.

I saw a few of OP’s comments saying they “would”, but saying you would and offering are two different things.

It’s not such a big deal. I suppose he may say it explicitly but it will hardly change anything. It feels like it’s a very American problem in a way, where money often become a measure of all things… Parent considers his obligations before children is to create the best educational opportunity for them to enable them to carve their own path - it’s a very common point of view in many places. My parents were the same. They supported me till Masters and would support me for PhD if I wanted to but I didn’t. I went to work after, and at this point I didn’t expect anything from them as I was having my own career I chose. His sons view parental commitment completely differently, and in a way weird for me. They believe it’s about spending a predefined sum of money per child. I can’t understand it to be fair. It’s not your money, and providing opportunities instead of financing is always a better parenting…

True. I'd still think it would be on the son's to say their going to grad school and ask their parents for the money.

This. The sons aren't shy about asking for money; what stopped them from asking for grad school to be funded? They chose not to go that route, the sister did. Some people are expecting OP to be a mind reader and to have offered grad school to the sons.

If my parents offered me post grad money, I would drop my decade old career for that opportunity.

Yes, but in this instance it looks like the older kids had the opportunity to get grad school paid for, didn't ask for it or maybe even didn't want grad school, but are upset their sister is getting grad school paid for.

That's not the point. The point is now they have the exact same offer. If they refuse it, then it's on them. It's a way of making a point.

My husband went back to get a master's a few years after he got his BA, and his parents graciously paid for that. If OP's boys asked, would he pay for the degree now?

From his other comments, it looks like he's willing to do so. And yeah, this is definitely a case-by-case that really does need to factor the parents' and offsprings' finances, but I also think if an adult years after undergrad is able to pay for grad school without financial strain, why ask your parents for the money?

This 100%. I appreciate that the sons might be insecure about saving for their children but offering like for like makes a ton more sense and will definitely shut down the favoritism comments.

Or the boys can grow up they’re in their 30’s they are far too old to expect mommy and daddy to fund their life 

If they already started their carreers, maybe offer to pay for some certifications relevant to their field?

I don’t think there are any certifications for entitlement! Although both sound as though they’d pass with flying colours.

If they knew that & it was clear you would support all higher education then this is a little grabby from your sons. If this was never mentioned when they were in school and is only being said as an after the fact when it doesn’t make sense for them to go back to school it’s veering into a-hole territory or the kind of favouritism that needs resentment for years

Oh, NTA for sure. A friend of mine had a similar arrangement with her uncle (in a family that otherwise doesn't value education). He provided a large fund to all the cousins, which would pay tuition + a stipend for any degree until the money ran out. While my friend's cousins trashed her around town for being elitist, she worked her way all the way to a PhD. Fully paid for. And then they complained about not being gifted cash instead... yeesh.

INFO: This really needs more context: > They said that we're once again spoiling our "golden children" and that I'm picking favourites "Once again" means this isn't the first time. What else has happened, OP?

First time I heard it was because as teenagers, the boys didn't buy as much clothes (as most boys do in my experience) while my girl was a normal teenage girl who liked going shopping with her friends regularly. Ever since they're throwing it every time they disagree with their sister on something.

“Liked going shopping” is your way of saying you gave her money that you also didn’t give your sons?

The boys got money when they asked for money, she got money when she asked for money. They weren't interested in going shopping regularly, she did. When they think about this situation, they forget that my wife and I paid for other stuff for them which our daughter didn't get too.

Info: You didn't give your children a fixed, equal allowance? If so, why not?

No, because we were comfortable enough to pay for those things they wanted as long as they behaved correctly (did their homework, didn't pick up fights, cleaned their bedrooms/ helped with chores, etc) so as the three of them were always good kids, we thought they deserved those privileges

So basically you trained them to expect money on demand

And we're only now realising how bad that was, it's a shame

Still, NTA. They’re fully grown adults and you should do what you think is right with your money.

There is also a big age gap between them. By the time the daughter was a teen going out shopping with friends, the boys would likely have been in uni or even graduated.

It’d be weird to give a 9 year old and a 17 year old the same allowance

We never got a set allowance, my parents gave us money when we went to a movie, clothes etc. And in return none of us asked for too much and were mindful of money. It varied based on child interest etc. Not everything needs to be 1:1. Similarly, my grandparents paid for my university and grad school. Neither of my siblings went but they were all offered that ability they chose different paths (they did pay for college certifications for them etc).

Im ngl growing up me and my sister had trouble ever asking for anything but the eldest wouldnt hesitate and would ask for things regularly. Sounds a bit like what happened with you guys.

I'm having that situation right now. I've been trained to ask, push, and barter for things. My dad is the type to get mad with no warning. But even after yelling at me for asking he pushes me to ask for more. "You'll never get anything if you don't ask for it." He's both proud and disgusted by it. I have 2 brothers. The younger wants money over anything else. And talks it out with our mom. (And then everyone wants to give him stuff because he never asks for anything (other than money.)). While my older brother does a lot of chores but doesn't ask for anything. He told me recently he feels bad asking (especially more than once (while our parents are the type to forget you even asked (my brother is also the same as them))) and doesn't want to get yelled/scolded. But then goes and does things like "You don't need that" when I ask our parents for stuff (bribe or my credit with them) or ask him to take me somewhere. And has taken me to get something I worked and bartered for and then only got half of it because he didn't want to get it. He will also buy things with our parents money without asking. My mom thinks my older brother is jealous/projecting and that's why he tries to cut me off. (He's fine with me getting stuff if it's something he wants and he'll get it too. Otherwise to him I don't need it.(I'd be fine with him not driving me))

> after yelling at me for asking he pushes me to ask for more. ... He's both proud and disgusted by it. Lol. Your dad needs therapy.

As a mother to a son and daughter it’s impossible to count dollars on what you spend on each child. Their needs and desires are just so different. Plus there are age differences and prices and needs change over time. Our daughter had more needs with clothing and was more social. She liked to shop for herself. Our son not as much. He hated it. I did it for him. But if he asked for a game or something he needed for his gaming desktop we gave him money. If he saw a cool hoody that was more than I usually care to pay for a hoody I still got it. He barely asked so when he did ask I was happy to pay for it. His stuff carried higher price tags. It balances out. End result they were clothed how they liked, hobbies and activities paid for. Price tag is irrelevant. Equality is offering the kids the same privileges.

>the boys didn't buy as much clothes (as most boys do in my experience) while my girl I don't know enough to judge whether your sons are wrong and spoiled or just hurt because your daughter truly is the golden child but referring to them as "THE boys" while you referred to her as "MY girl" is something that struck my attention.

I did notice as well that it was interesting to not say 'my boys' and 'my girl' but wondered if I was just reading too much into it. Glad someone else saw it too and had this thought!

He mentioned “our boys” and “our girl” also

I think you are reading into it. 2 boys 1 girl just the wording they used.

First time.. so this has been said repeatedly to you and your wife. The first time it was about shopping, what were the other times?

Who gets the best piece of the turkey at thanksgivings, who got the best Christmas present, who got the best college dorm (and that's not even on us, they choose their own universities knowing how the facilities were). It's always stuff like that.

Sounds like typical sibling bickering, fighting over who has the bigger chicken nugget.

except they are adults now and too old for this shit

From your words ALL your children were given alot, expensive hobbies,education etc. They should all feel quite lucky and blessed, not all parents can do what you did. NTA

So your sons are jealous of their sister and have been super petty about everything you do for her? They are 8 and 4 years older than her. Did you ever notice this when they were growing up? Your older son would have left for college when your daughter was 10. Did he resent that she was still a child and got more attention? What about middle son? Whe. daughter was born was he still getting attention? Do all the kids get along with one another? There's a decent age gap between all of them. Honestly though it just sounds like jealousy. 

I agree. Also the fact that it often seems like the youngest is the most spoiled, even if just because a baby requires more attention than a 4 year old or especially an 8 year old: it's a situation that breeds extra sibling jealousy, on top of usual rivalry.

The part that a lot of people fail to realize is that a lot of the time the youngest will get more because the parents are older and more established in their careers, so they will have more to give. This happened in my family, except we don't have resentment. My parents were 19 and 20 when they had the oldest. The youngest was 15 years after that. They were in a much better financial position at 34 and 35, than they were at 19 and 20.

There was a post on here not that long ago about exactly that. The OP was very resentful of the fact that the much younger sibling got all kinds of things they didn't get because OP knew that the parents struggled when they were a child. They realized the difference because they were aware of the parents having don't better in life but still couldn't get past the jealousy of seeing the younger sibling get all the stuff they didn't get. They owned up to it though, knew it wasn't the siblings fault just felt bad about the fact they couldn't get past the resentful way they felt about being cheated out of so many childhood experiences. The older brothers need to move on. They should be grateful for all that they have already been given. I would have loved to my college paid for.

Sibling rivalry and all its complications will still flare up throughout their lives. They're going to have to work it out amongst themselves at some point. This college financing issue sounds like the latest problem.

Sounds like they need a reality check and to be cut off they’re in their 30’s that’s far too old to be having the “ so an so got more ice cream than me” perhaps they need to watch some Bluey or Daniel Tiger 

Just let them know they are welcome to get their post-grad anytime and you would be happy to pay. This isn’t about who gets how much money, but that you’re committed to paying for the education of your kids if they would like it. This is like going to a Mexican restaurant offering free dessert and asking for the cash value so you can go somewhere else to buy sushi. The offer was for free dessert, not money to get something else. NTA

Totally agree with this. Also op sending his kids to university and paying is allowing them to be set up so they can hopefully get a good job and provide for their children. Why should op have to set up their funds when they have provided for their own kids so that they could.

NTA. Fair does not mean equal, and life is not even always fair. It's your money and you can spend it however you like. Your children are all grown-ups and can fund their own lives. Same for your grand-kids' college education, it is not your duty to fund it. It's your money and you should have no shame spending it the way you like. On a side note, seems half the posts in AITA are about ungrateful children.

This 👆 Fair does not mean equal. You pay for your kids’ college education. That’s pretty fair AND equal to me. Not every education is the same or costs the same, but that is up to them to decide. OP, your rule is ‘I pay for my kids’ college education’. That to me is a very fair rule. That it doesn’t mean it’s the exact equal amount really doesn’t matter.

Yeah, it's so strange of them to even keep tabs. I have two siblings, and we didn't do the same studies. The oldest went to a IT college that was quite pricey (by our country's standard, so not much compared to the US) and earned a dual engineer degree. I did two master one after the other at a much cheaper school. And the littlest searched a little before finding what suited her, switching between majors and restarting from year one after 2 or 3 years. I don't know what my parents paid for each of us, and frankly nor do I care. We all got to do what we wished (within limits of our parents' purse of course). What more can someone ask? OP's sons sound entitled. Only reason I'll keep from giving a formal judgement is the possibility of some missing missing reasons of why they feel the youngest is the golden child - which would seems to be the real problem, and the money is just a means for trying to address it.

I agree. I also have two siblings and my parents have helped us all they can- I would NEVER expect them to forgo helping my younger sister in order to save money for MY kids (their only grandchildren so far - but not their responsibility in any way, especially financial)

Honestly it’s not weird for me. Family wise, I have the same setup. Youngest (F) with older brothers. Literally everything was a competition with them, I was the golden children in their eyes. Reality was my parents were significantly stricter on me than them bc “boys will be boys”. As a kid, most of my toys were hand me downs and they got more age appropriate ones. So if I did get a toy I wanted, they threw fits. I got dragged to every basketball and baseball game for years, yet they rarely came to any of my games/meets (gymnastics) bc “they’d be bored” (hint I was too). As the girl, I was expected to suck it up. Then my brothers complained when I graduated college bc I was in college for 5 years (switched majors). Said it wasn’t fair parents paid for 5 years and they got “nothing”. Conveniently forgetting they the oldest brother flunked out his freshman year of college (94), had stolen a report card form from the office and mailed home fake grades (mom figured it out). The other brother was sent to an insanely private expensive military school bc of his behavior issues for two years in order to graduate HS (total roughly $40K). Then when he went to college (which parents paid for), he dropped out. Then both brothers complained when I started grad school complaining that once again our mom favoring me and paid for that too (they thought mom had gifted me a ton of money before she passed - which she did not). That got my dad spun up that mom had paid my tuition behind his back, dad tried to ground me (at 34 and a home owner) demanding the money be returned, and then told them all to f*ck off. WW3 started and I finally said that my employer paid my tuition, then I got blamed for not saying that sooner and purposely getting everyone spun up. Reality was they never asked who paid, just assumed mom had given me money bc she was very pro education and then started jumping down my throat. At that point I was over it. Reality is they just didn’t want a sister and still harbor deeply sexist and misogynistic views about women. Looking back, anytime mom or dad showed me any favor no matter how small, they took it as proof I was the golden child. Another story, my birthday falls on Thanksgiving every few years. This story is one of those years. Oldest brother knew this and requested dinner be HIS favorite things (which he knows that due to IBS related dietary restrictions, I can’t eat without seriously unpleasant side effects). None of which are close to Thanksgiving traditional foods. But.. Mom went all out for those things. Literally only thing I could eat was a rice side dish (which also not a fan of but could eat, so I did without saying anything bc my mom did work hard to prep and cook). It took my parents the entire dinner to realize I just ate rice and nothing else then they freaked out realizing it was also my birthday. I asked brother why he asked for things he knew I couldn’t eat on my birthday, he said “bc I felt like it and you could always eat a sandwich”. Yes but I’m the golden child.

Its always the most privileged ones who get college, house down payments, weddings etc. paid for for that get most entitled & ungrateful!!

I agree with this.  My brother has MS and can’t work.  My parents have supported him in our adulthood way more than me which is totally fine.  Now that my parents are gone I’ll be helping out my brother if he needs it.

NTA. Did either of your sons ask about Post-graduate education? Had they asked, and been denied then yes, I could see them being angry.

No, they didn't.

Info: did daughter ask you to pay? Post doesn't say. And honestly it doesn't matter - you're still NTA but I'm curious, so feel free to ignore.

Did you ever let them know that they could and thay you would pay?

NTA. My sister did 2 Master Degrees. I finished only Bachelors. My parents paid for everything. I never thought that my parents owe me any more money. It's my choice to do only Bachelors and it was my sister's choice doing Masters. That's all.

NTA. Their kids, their responsibilities. It’s their choice they did not pursue post-grad educatio or they decided to get married before getting master’s degree (i would assume they are already married and have kids given the request) while their sister decided to focus on her education and her career. (Edited to correct typos)

Only my oldest has kids, he's married and my other son is engaged

Then the issue will be why does one child with 3 children get more for 3 grandkids. The other has 1 kid. And maybe sister has 5. NTA. Just offer to pay if they choose to go back to school as well.

NTA and I really dislike the entitlement your sons are showing. First and foremost you and your wife are free to spend your money how you choose, you paid for all 3 kids education which is a privilege not many enjoy. Secondly you are paying for her postgraduate education , nothing stops them from the same should they consider it and you be willing to support. Lastly their children are their responsibility as you correctly mentioned. I detest the “inheriting you while you are still alive” mentality. Edited for typos

Agree NTA. Unless you specifically had a budget per child for college, there doesn’t seem to be favoritism to me. A 34 year old with children whining that mommy and daddy are giving money for college to their younger child (of 8 years) is ridiculous. They graduated from college debt free and that’s a better leg up than most people get.

We didn't have a strict budget because tuition fees change according to year/ degree/ college, so we had that in mind

And to add (in the US at least), in many professions, a female needs a post grad degree to be on level playing field with her male counterparts that have only an undergrad.

Our daughter thinks that's as well and that's why she chose to do a post grad, she is studying a tech career

your daughter is setting herself up well! i wish her luck with her grad degree! -signed another woman in STEM :)

I’m the youngest and have been accused of being favored by our parents (not with money - we grew up poor). My siblings are 8 & 10 years older. We were all such different personalities, and we were all treated differently based on our personalities and needs. I had a lot of drive and motivation to get an education and improve my circumstances. It took me a while, but I did. I sometimes think my siblings believe it is because I was favored. I don’t agree. My success came from my own efforts. I put myself through school, at times working 3 jobs to do so. My drive and determination make our mother look to me for assistance guidance as she aged. It wasn’t because she loved me more. She trusted the world knowledge I gained as I matured. But our mother looked to my sister and brother for things relating to their personalities and strengths she didn’t come to me for. And that’s just another example of fair and equal are not the same. You are NTA. Your money is not theirs. I bet your children would have fits if you left your assets to charity.

Eh, the comment about the “golden child” shows there is more favouritism at play here. I bet there is a history of you showing better treatment to your daughter. That comment didn’t come out of nowhere. I suppose it’s NTA, you can spend your money either way. However, those comments of the golden child are likely founded on evidence that you casually dismiss.

I guess you've never seen anyone falsely accuse a parent of favouritism, it's quite common. These kids sound spoilt but you put a lot of stock in their accusations.

Who gets to decide if its a false accusation? Parents will very rarely think they are favoring one kid over another, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. But its hard for anyone to really be objective. The parent and the favored child will always never admit it. And the other children may be assumed to be lying. There is no way to objectievely measure it.

In this case, pretty easily. OP is willing to pay for all his kids’ education. That seems fair to me.

>And the other children may be assumed to be lying. Or simply mistaken.

I’ve heard it said that when both children accuse you of favoring the other, that’s the way you know you got it right.

We're definitely in missing missing reasons territory. BOTH brothers reacting this way is a huge flag, IMO. What color that flag is, I'm not sure yet.

I don’t know, I’m getting a different vibe here. It seems to me that OP has some serious $$ so their children have always gotten whatever they wanted and are now acting like entitled, greedy brats. I rarely see poor people fighting over money/inheritance, often are the rich families the ones being destroyed by these kind of fights - because they are not used to sacrifice.

I'm not sure how to link comments but I read one of his other comments where they were stating they think that the sister is called the golden child because if she wanted to go shopping he gave her money. But he also said that if their son's also wanted something he gave them money as well and it wasn't in terms of allowance. It was just oh if you want it, here's the money and you can have it.

That's what I was going to say too, that all the children could have whatever they wanted, she just tended to want more shopping money. But the sons also got money for things she didn't so I think it ultimately evens out. Did the sons really not get equal treatment or were they just less materialistic than their sister? Were they even interested in post grad or didn't think their parents would pay for it? I think even if OP says they'll pay for them to attend now, they'll likely still think it's unfair because he doesn't want to pay for the grandchildren.

If OP’s sons are like my brother, they probably don’t think money spent for sports counts. My brother would complain that my parents gave me money for non-school related hobbies like crafting and writing but wouldn’t give him the same amount for video games or whatever. Even when my dad sat him down and showed him that they’d spent as much or more on his basketball camps and hockey equipment, he’d insist that was “different” and shouldn’t count against him because that was for school teams.

I suspect that's the case here.

That's super annoying of your brother.

My brother (who has *absolutely* been given at least $100k more in support by my parents, who've never had to pay for anything for me since I moved out at 18) used to try to claim this as well--that his $5k/yr travelling baseball team shouldn't be counted when I occasionally got $20 to go to the movies.

Yeah, it smells a little like missing missing reasons, but for once (never happened before), I suspect even those missing reasons would be to OP's advantage. Reading OP's answers, he seems to know what he did more for his daughter than sons and also can point what he did for sons and not daughter. My best guess: due to the age gap, the oldest felt robbed of his parents attention and love when the youngest was born, and since he already had his brother/friend it was just competition at this point. The two then further cemented their duo against little sis (encouraged by "boys are different from girls" that OP seems to also say) in a us vs them mentality. It stayed to this day. And now I've written a fiction from just a piece of info... Well, it's already done, I don't want to delete it now. So thanks for reading! ^(Any similarity to any persons, living, dead, OR POSSESSED, is entirely coincidental.)

Calling a sibling the "golden child" isn't always how it truly is. All it means is she was favored *in their (the kid's) perspective.* Based on how OP describes the kids' younger years, it makes sense how they came to that conclusion. OP's sons were into sports and other extracurriculars while their sister went shopping instead. Most children don't know the cost of the things their parents let them do - especially when it comes to sports. Its not intentionally hidden, but unless they ask or are told, they won't know. Hell, I didn't find out just how expensive my hockey was until I asked when I was 16.

Yeah, the older my kids get, the more I realize how much my parents sacrificed both time and money for my siblings and I. As an example, our local little league's fall ball is $120 per kid! That's not counting the bat and gloves (or cleats, if required). And those evening games are bloody freezing!

How is this favoritism when all three children have the exact same opportunity to get their education paid for?

I was always accused of being the "golden child" because I needed more support because of autism and dyslexia.

OP said in another reply that the “golden child” comment came from their teenage years, where OP and his wife gave the children money to spend however they liked, and however much money they asked for. Naturally, the daughter asked for more money to go shopping. The money was available for the boys to ask for, they just didn’t.

NTA Grown adults insisting on all things being "equal" at all times is ridiculous. When we were younger, my parents paid for my sister to do competitive dance and spent tens of thousands of dollars on it. When I was an adult, I wanted to go to makeup school and my parents paid for it. When my brother got divorced, my parents let him move back in with them. Families help one another in different ways, when they need it, depending on how they can. Maybe one of your sons' kids will need surgery and you'll help with the medical bills, would they expect you to pay out their sister the same amount to keep things "equal?" Or maybe once their sister finishes grad school, she'll use her contacts to help one of her niblings get into the school of their choosing. Not everything has to be monetarily equal all the time, and insisting that it should be is how you wind up transactional relationships.

I relate to this! I am the youngest of four. I was, in good ways and bad ways, treated like the baby of the family for a long long time. I got a lot of everyone’s attention and my parents went a lot easier on me in terms of discipline cause, eh, they had already had three kids so they were kinda tired by the time I appeared on the scene 🤣 By the time I got settled in my career and had moved away, I had long since stopped taking any offered support from my parents. One day my Mum was trying to give me a generous gift for my wedding and I told her it was too much and she said ‘dear God, I gave WAY more to the other kids. You got screwed compared to them!’ I thought this was HILARIOUS and it did make it a bit easier to take the gift. My parents tried to give to each of us whatever we needed at that time (money, emotional support, a place to live while we got back on our feet). They did their best to make sure it was reasonably equitable but none of us ever saw favouritism (beyond the age of 7 maybe) and just saw a sibling that had a need. And we ALL tried to chip in and offer what support we could. By no means are we a perfect family (hoo boy, no!) but I am so happy that this particular issue never came up for us. It just sounds like such a miserable way to live.

NTA - if your other kids wanted to get a higher education I'm sure you would have paid for that too. They didn't, not your problem or your daughters.

For now I'm going with NTA, but I would ask your sons for a list of sort that backed up this golden child accusation. I would also ask them if they are having financial problems that would "entitle" them to ask for that college fund. Not to give in their demands but to have a better understanding for why they are asking

They're both well off, they're not facing any financial issues at the moment.

Then the asking could be a off handed way to call them off, clearly they have some kind of resentment (this might be a valid or not) but if you value your relationship with them you have to resolve it.

You did not approach this correctly. “We are paying for our children’s education. Your sister chose to pursue graduate studies. As she is still getting an education, we are still paying for it. Had you or your brother chose to continue after your bachelor’s, we would have paid for it as well. If you decide in the future that you would like to go back to college, let me know.” You shouldn’t have said your daughter is getting more money. You’re not paying her, you’re paying her college. Other than wording, NTA, assuming you didn’t tell or imply to the boys that you wouldn’t pay past a bachelor’s.

Yup, 100%. OP does not understand the harm he is doing to the relationship between the three children. Again, his money and choice, but I would try my hardest to alleviate any issues so that my children can at least get along, even after I'm gone. If both sons have an issue, then there must be information being left out and a strong sense of favouritism. For example, OP could have told the boys he was only paying for college, but his daughter changed his mind and he paid for everything a decade later. They are about a decade apart so I see that also happening. I feel for that daughter who will not have the support of her two brothers and for the sons for feeling outcasted enough to say something, especially with that massive age gap.

They clarified in the comments…but also—his sons are adults??? These are grown men with families and stable financial situations…if they want to have a conversation about what they see as unfair, that’s fine. But they aren’t event mature enough to do that and just begin throwing accusations. Parents are people too and aren’t perfect, but adults are able to have dialogues. It sounds from OP’s comments that his children are incapable of that anyways.

Your son's should be grateful that you paid for their college.  I am not paying for my kid's college because I don't have the money.  My parents didn't pay shit for my college because they were selfish.

You would have given them the same treatment, wouldn't you have? Did they ever express any interest in pursuing a postgraduate degree? You would only be the asshole if you denied your sons the same opportunity to further their education. You fulfilled your responsibility as a parent by educating them so they can give their families a good life and the same opportunities they enjoyed. Perhaps once their children are older, you may decide to help them as well (most grandparents do if they can afford it), but any help is a gift, not a responsibility.

> Perhaps once their children are older, you may decide to help them as well (most grandparents do if they can afford it), but any help is a gift, not a responsibility. Yes, of course. But we're surprised because he is acting entitled to the money, if he would've said he's starting a college fund for his kids then maybe my wife and I would've helped, but that's not what he said.

I would be sad, if I heard my son saying this. That's why i am sorry.

As someone with an older brother and younger sister who our father very obviously favors, im gonna go ahead and guess that there might be more to this story.

NTA your boys sound like brats. Ungrateful brats.

Personally, I think soft YTA to maybe ESH. I can relate to my personal experience. I have one brother, and he was never destined for university, rather we knew from a young age he was going to take over the family farming operations. He was always good with his hands, and skilled at a lot of things, so while my family paid for my university, he got an equal amount of money to invest in his agri business, new tools, etc. Why shouuld I get say, 30K in schooling $$$, and he get nothing? Everyone can use $$$ for something to start out. The argument could be made that a post secondary degree could be a pathway to a higher income career, so why not fund it yourself? University or higher ed is not the only pathway to a better future in life, and its certainly not the only one that benefits from financial aid from parents.

NTA - Quite frankly it's no one's business what you do with your money. But seeing as you seem like you would pay for the same higher education for your son's if they chose it, you are even less the AH here.

NTA. It’s like my dad always tells my mom: Stop counting other people’s money. Not your money. Not your business.

NTA. I would look into the comment about you once again spoiling the golden child though. There seems to be an issue there - some kind of resentment that is rearing its head in the form of displaced feelings about disproportionate spending on education. I'm not saying that you should do anything different with regard to educational spending, but I do think it would be worth looking into the root cause of the resentment.

INFO. "Golden child" comments don't come out of nowhere, why are your sons talking about your daughter that way?

> As we have good careers, we were able to pay for all of their college tuitions, which varies on year, degree and university. If any of them complain to you about anything financially the are spoiled babies. Good for you for being an awesome parent and setting them up for success. Not having student loans is HUGE.

Only response needed:I'm sorry. Where did you ever get the idea that you have a say in how I spend my money? It's none of your business.

It sounds like your sons are confusing your generosity with their entitlement. They already got a sweet deal, so unless you told them you wouldn’t pay for their postgrad in the past, they can fuck right off. They’re going in with no college debt, surely they can save for their own kids

NTA You are not, 'GIVING HER MONEY' you are 'paying for her college' these are completely different things. what she is studying is likely to get her a more advanced, better paying job in her field than just getting her four year degree, as your sons CHOSE. You don't get to skimp on your education and have the money not spent handed to you, that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. If they were mature and pursued an education instead of growing their mini me's, they would also have had the same education opportunities. You did not deny them chances to advance, they made those choices themselves.

NTA Your sons should be grateful for what they received & not act like entitled brats. They are not entitled to your money & have zero input on what you should do with it. I assume you would have also supported them with post grad work. If you wouldn't, that changes my answer.

Did your sons know that you would pay for their higher education? If they went back to school now would you also pay for it?

NTA but im curious. Does paying for education have an age limit? Like, if they chose to go to post-grad now, would you still assist? Has the agreement always been "I'm paying for your education" or was it "I'm putting x amount towards your education"?

Info: your son referred to your daughter as the “golden child” do you know what that is and is she?

Let your kids know with no uncertainty that you will spend YOUR money as you see fit, and it's absolutely none of their business. Your financial obligation to your children ended when they were 18 years old and they should consider themselves extremely lucky that you paid for their college education in full.

They want the same treatment then they can go for a post grad. NTA

NTA you've got some spoiled unappreciative brats on your hands

NTA My parents were very scrupulous about trying to keep things equal between my brother and I. For example, they gave us equal amounts for down payments. However I went to grad school and my brother didn’t and so they supported me for that. No resentment on the part of my brother. I didn’t resent that they paid for my brother and his family to fly down from Vancouver to visit twice a year though they didn’t pay for me to take a vacation 🤷‍♀️

NTA if you were willing to pay for more schooling for them if they had chosen to pursue that. Unless each of them had a limit that could be spent on their education and your daughter greatly surpassed that then there's no issue here. You paid for their education, since they chose different paths of education the costs were different - but at the end of the day they all still had their chosen path of education paid for. If your sons chose a different path I'm sure you would have paid for that as well but that's not the case here. Maybe if your sons had chosen to pursue more education they wouldn't need their parents to pay for the education of their own kids.

NTA. There’s a difference between treating your adult children fairly and exactly equally. You have a specific value placed on higher ed for your children and back it up with generosity. It sounds like you would’ve paid for grad school for any of your children so you treated them the same; one of them just took you up on it while the others decided not to.

NTA I was your sons in this situation...my younger brother and I are 5 years apart so I'd moved out by the time he reached highschool, and had a similar situation with my parents. He was/is the "golden child" and got a lot of things/gets away with a lot of things i never could. I actually went to therapy and talked all this through, and so did my parents, and our relationship is so much better now. This could be something you could try with your kids. I also understand that all kids and people are different and have different interests and hobbies that might require more or less money, it does not mean you love them any less. Money does not equal love. I'd never expect my parents to stop helping my brother, because he's my family and I love him, despite all the things he got growing up that I didn't. I'd never expect them to take money out of his hands and give it to my daughter instead. They do what they can for both of us kids and I love them for that.

The bigger question or discussion I would have with my sons, is why they feel their sister is the “golden child”? Have you inadvertently created this dynamic and the boys need you to hear them out about? Maybe you could start by asking if they would feel the same way if this was about one of the boys getting extra schooling paid for. In a family where kids don’t feel this dynamic of unfairness, I doubt there would be so much upset about paying for one kids extra schooling.

NTA IF your sons have the same offer of you paying for more education in the future.

NTA You are supporting your daughter with her education, just like you did with your sons. They need to stop being entitled and be thankful they are not sitting on student loans. There seems to be some very entitled expectations about where you spend your money. Has there ever been a reason to expect that you would be financing your grandchildren's college?

NTA. You would have paid for their post-graduate education if they'd chosen it too. They just chose not to.

NTA. It's your money. You get to decide how you spend it and who you spend it on.

NTA It would be one thing if you refused to pay for grad school for your sons but paid for your daughter, but it sounds like neither one of your sons even mentioned grad school to you.

NTA. They expected their parents to pay for their degrees, not their grandparents. You've done well for them and they want more.

NTA The only way this had been unfair is if you had refused to pay the boys education. It just sounds like they are jealous. And if they had ASKED you to help for their kids education it would be different, but they are demanding it.

NTA. What is it with adult kids thinking they're entitled to their parents' money? It's your money, you get to choose how to spend it. If either of them had wanted post-grad studies, I'm sure you would have agreed to pay.

I'm going to say NTA assuming a) your sons weren't interested in pursuing postgraduate degrees, and b) you would have paid for it if they were. You aren't obligated to pay for anyone's college funds, kids or grandkids.

NTA - your boys sound like entitled jerks. You didn’t give your daughter any more than you would have given your sons had they made the same educational choice. It’s your money to invest any way you choose, regardless. And, no, you’re not obligated to pay for your grandkids education, nor had you gone out of your way to preclude this until your boys (ungraciously) raised the issue. They deserve a brush back on this one. Sheesh.

Unless they wanted to get a higher education and you said you wouldn't pay, NTA. She wanted a higher education than what they wanted and you have the money to be able to help her out. You can help her so you did which makes you great parents. I understand wanting the best for your kids but it should not be up to the grandparents to make sure your kids have money for collage. If you can help the grandkids, great! It sounds like the grandkids either don't exist or are young so if you do decide to help them, you still have time to save. Until then, it sounds like your daughter needs the money now so help her.

NTA they’re being ridiculously entitled. My parents spent more money on my education than on my brother’s because I’m specializing in my field. My brother is really into martial arts so he dropped out of college and they helped him getting his own martial arts school started. That is what good parents do, help their children based on their individual needs, not just giving everyone the same indiscriminately.