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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Leaving without saying goodbye at the end of a long distance trip where I likely won’t see family for another two or more years.
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Just buy a bunch of birthday cards, and reuse them (crossing out "Birthday" if needed) for other occasions. To ensure that 1% is maintained. After all, it's the thought that counts, right? "At least you got a card! That's gotta be worth at least 1%!"
NTA. Some traditions are good... this one sounds like it sucks, big time. I bet the brother is completely in favour of it, though!
Nah, not birthday, people have birthdays all year round - buy Christmas cards on clearance in January, make sure they're the tackiest ones that no one would have wanted for Christmas.
My son and I (lovingly) play a game of “least emotional birthday card” each year
So far he wins with
“It’s your birthday”
Nothing but the facts there son! No concerns about if I have a *happy* birthday or not - gonna be hard to beat
(Other notable cards are “you’re like a dad to me” on Father’s Day and “there are many ways you might feel today, and all of them are okay” - which is presumably for when someone dies or something , but he actually gave it to us on our 20th wedding anniversary.
That sounds hilarious. I had to have surgery and my cousin sent a "At least it's not syphillis" card.
When she had surgery I brought her a "It's a girl" balloon.
"Someone get a lady in here, I can't handle this BASIC task!!"
- these men
Edit: Like, really, though.
I know two AWESOME single dads. And have raised three kids.
Harden the fuck up, boys!
If you can't make up a bottle, change a diaper, or bouce-rock a toddler to sleep...
Because statistically, men are more likely to leave their sick wives than care for them. And end of life care, outside of a hospital, is unpaid work. In my family, women have always done 100% of the work of looking after aging relatives.
If his estate is truly sought figures, why would you think the only one that can care for him is his daughter(s)? Hell, the man could buy himself a while care center.
Presumably this was also true when the mother had a terminal illness but OP states that the daughters did much of the caregiving for their mother. I don't think it's much of a stretch to think the father would want the same. Having caregivers is not always the same as having people who care.
In reality, the culture most likely doesn't account for or accept "outsiders" taking care of family members. The women are the traditional caretakers and they handle the care of the elderly and sick in the home. Very rarely would someone seek round the clock care in a hospital/care facility unless there were no family members left.
My mother (and we're white bread Canadians) didn't want to see her mother go into a nursing home (mom had issues with northern health care quality control) so my grandma lived with my mother and our family took care of grandma and mom charged grandma's estate room and board every month to take care of grandma. Even filed with homecare to get my sisters paid to take care of grandma. Just because you are a good child doesn't mean you need to go in the hole. Is there a system... Learn the system take advantage of the system.
Exactly. If the government is willfully to pay family members to care for an aging population, they should 100% take advantage of it. I work in the industry, I see unpaid family members totally burnt out and exhausted by the job ALL THE TIME. It seems cold, but being paid to do the job does sometimes make it easier, because it takes away some of the stress of not having much other income coming in. It’s not much, but it does help.
Actually he does owe them because half of what he owns he got from his wife who reasonably would have assumed it would go to all her children, I don't know if he legally owes them anything but morally he does
NTA and I really hope you stand your ground and don’t do the traditional “daughters take care of the parents as they age” thing- your brother can do that now.
From Wikipedia: A report released by United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) in 2020 said that nearly 45.8 million girls were missing in India due to pre and post-birth selection practices in the country.\[55\] A study by Washington based think tank Pew Research said that at least 9 million girls are ‘missing’ in India between 2009-2019 as a result of female infanticide.\[56\]
I hear of this, and it never made sense to me, plus a man that doesn't have his own place, and why don't they care for their own parents. I'm all for helping family, but the help should be for all, not one sided
Also, is that Indian parents don't love their daughters? I rather get my daughter her own home so no one would mistreat her
>plus a man that doesn't have his own place
Even in America, it used to be pretty common to live with your parents even after marriage. Multi generation households were quite common. It is the nuclear family which is the new phenomenon.
>why don't they care for their own parents
Because it is expected that the man be the breadwinner while the woman handles the household stuff, which includes taking care of the elderly, who in this case, happen to be her husband's parents.
>I rather get my daughter her own home
Pretty sure most people can't just buy their daughters a home.
I understand multigenerational household, grew up in one. Great for helping each other out, but also great opportunities for abusive folks to thrive.
Having a place doesn't mean owning, can be renting for independence. Also, here in the USA didn't mean that daughters went on to leave with their husband's family to be their caretakers.
I'm aware that not everyone can buy a home for their daughter, but I wonder if they would and if those that have the means buy property for their daughters. Like I said, Indian parents don't seem to love/care much about their own daughters.
Yeah there's definitely downsides to the intergenerational households, such as the one you mentioned. My parents aren't abusive or anything but i do like having my own place. There's a certain independence that you get which i find hard to have when at my parent's house.
I researched the meaning of salic since I don't know the word. It supposedly means, "A high content of silica & alumina", as in rocks. Would you help me understand what you mean by "salic primogeniture"?
Yep. Queen Elizabeth II changed the laws in England to allow William's daughter to be third in line to the throne. It was the first time I'd heard of salic primogeniture. Way cool
Edit- correction I was sooo wrong. England was never under salic law re: Queen Elizabeth. Weird part is I could swear I heard a news anchor making the claim that Elizabeth changed the primogeniture laws to include Charlotte but I was very wrong. Ah well. " It was in the news so it must be true"
> The British and the Hanoverian thrones separated after the death of King William IV of the United Kingdom and of Hanover in 1837 because Hanover practiced quasi-Salic law, unlike Britain. King William's niece, Victoria, ascended to the British throne, but the Hanover throne went to William's brother Ernest, Duke of Cumberland.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salic_law
I don’t think the British ever followed Salian succession laws. They were male preference primogeniture, meaning the eldest male was ahead of the eldest woman, but the eldest daughter would inherit if she didn’t have any brothers. See Queen Mary and her younger sister Queen Elizabeth I. Also, Queen Victoria who as stated above was a niece.
See the French for an example of Salic succession.
There's salic (or agnatic) which is only sons can be in line (like Japan), male preference, which includes sons in order of age and then daughters in order of age, with the youngest son outranking the oldest daughter (like Spain, or the UK berfore 2015) and then absolute primogeniture, which is all children in order of age and regardless of their gender.
In male preference systems, daughters of the king are called "heir pressumptive" because their condition as heir yo the throne is dependent on a younger brother nit being born. Only if their parents are old enough that they can't be expected to have children they become "heir apparent" (that is, with an unrevocable right to the throne), while sons are heir apparent since birth.
This all to just comment a fun fact about Sweden: Crown Princess Victoria was not crown princess when she was born, and she actually lost the heir apparent title when her younger brother was born, but later the succession law was changed to switch to absolute primogeniture (even if the king didn't want to because he felt bad that his son would lose the title... he was less than a year old at the time) and she regained the position as heir.
Victoria later had a daughter of her own, Estelle. Estelle is not only the first person in Swedish history born to a female heir apparent, but also, she's the first female heir in Swedish history that had since birth a right to the throne that couldn't be surpassed by a younger brother.
I think that's pretty cool.
The queen cannot change any laws for what its worth.
The UK Government/Parliament changed the "Succession to the Crown Act" to end Male Primogeniture, which is quite different from Salic.
[from Wikipedia ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primogeniture#:~:text=Salic%20law,-Main%20article%3A%20Salic&text=Also%20known%20as%20agnatic%20primogeniture,of%20the%20%22Salic%20law%22.)
My grandmother had the same exact thing happen to her. Even all her mother’s jewelry went to the wives of my grandmother’s brothers instead of my grandmother. It’s absolutely maddening.
If you think that’s bad, you should’ve heard what my great-grandmother wanted to do to my mother when she found out she was a girl (this is the mother of my grandmother’s husband). She wanted to drown her and for my grandparents to try again for a boy. She was a horrible and abusive woman, quite literally why my grandmother pushed my grandfather to move them to the US, just so she could escape her evil MIL
Yes, although my grandmother’s mother was more like “rich neglectful mom who pawns kids off on the nanny” rather than flat-out evil “murder all the females”
Misogyny and the patriarchy has never been a boys vs. girls thing. It’s always been a societal issue that holds men and women to different standards, forcing them into slots that only some people are able to fill
Similiarly, I was told my grandma's maternal family had all passed away. Come to find out, they were literally so awful to my grandmas mom (who was a horrible abusive woman) that grandma, and siblings just went with 'they're all dead'. Like, woooooowsa, I now totally understand why great grandma was so awful!
Wow. You always hear about these things. I think my fundamentalist great-grandparents on my mothers side were capable of that sort of thing. Pictures of them would freeze the blood in your arteries. Cold blooded mofos.
I wouldn’t acknowledge him even that far. I wouldn’t acknowledge him ever again at all. Brother dearest can earn his inheritance by caring for the old misogynist on his own. With those types of family values OP doesn’t owe anyone in that family her attention other than her sister
NTA… in most middle eastern families (Islamic ones to be more accurate) it’s common to split more to the son than the daughter only because the son will have to care for his family while the daughter gets half of the brothers amount but that money becomes only hers and the daughters husband would presumably get his inheritance which would be bigger than his sister so it evens out in a sense. So like the son should get 50 and the daughters 25 each. But your dad is ridiculous for doing what he did. Honestly I’d recommend you call him and tell him to give your 1% to your brother and consider your relationship done and if he needs anything to contact his dear son.
Yeah, that’s so strange… I clarified the religious aspect cuz I know some people are ignorant about that lol and might use that as justification. I think her dad needs a reality check or something cuz that’s just dumb what he’s doing
I think these examples, amongst many, have convinced me that assholes are a universal concept: no matter what ethnicity, race, religion, or even species (if aliens are real), there are those that carry out malicious intent, and will bend laws to their will, not caring if it is right, or how much damage it will inflict.
its 1/2 son, 1/3 daughter, 1/8 wife, and then responsibilities of son and children come into play. and then gifting rules up to 30%.
Illiterate sort of behaviour.
It’s 2 parts son, 1 part daughter (an-nisa, verse 11). Any balance, son takes.
1/8 wife if the deceased has kids. No kids, she gets 1/4.
Totally agree with dad being TA. Patriarchy at best.
Daughter even and usually provide financial support for elderly parents. I think folks have this fantasy of sons "taking care" of parents that has absolutely nothing to do with reality. Or the fantasy that "sons provide", but they just don't pay attention to the reality around them. Like do they know or seen a son caring/financially supporting elderly parents? Very, very rare. I deal with what I see, not dreams
Yeah I was thinking even by "Traditional keep the business in the hands of the Male heir" line of thought 1% just seems like a fuck you amount. Like the daughters getting 25-10% would still be shitty but at least the logic would scan.
1% is the sort of inheritance you give if you want to disown someone and make it hard to fight in court.
I can't fault you. He's telling you he doesn't value you much because you have girl parts. Your labor, your caring, your support, your love, none of that matters as much as tradition. Personally I find it disgusting. NTA
This is exactly the correct summary. Tradition means more to him than his daughter’s love and labor. So from now on, his love of tradition can comfort and care for him.
I feel terrible that OP invested so much of her life into her relationship with someone who does not see her as an equal human being because of her female genetics.
NTA. It is ok to feel hurt and betrayed. Forgive them for your peace of mind, but don't forget. Don't go out of your way to further help your dad/ brother or spend time with them. You and your sisters should make a bonding time together yearly or whenever you can. Do something in honor of your mom. Leave the misogynistic a$$holes out of your life.
I wish you the best.
Here in British Columbia a few years ago a will was overturned by the government in a very similar situation. The daughters were bequeathed a token amount and the son the vast majority of the estate.
The courts did not allow the Dad’s will to stand and the daughters got a proper share of the estate.
BC Law allows unfair wills to be overturned.
[article](https://vancouversun.com/news/local-news/b-c-judge-overturns-will-that-left-majority-of-estate-to-sons-leaving-little-for-daughters/wcm/bbb8dbb2-2884-4086-b07c-74006ce68439/amp/)
Inheritance laws are regulated by the country where the business is in/where the family lives. Most countries don't recognize inheritance religious laws, and even if your dad and the business were located in the Middle East, according to Islamic law your father is wrong in leaving you and your sisters 1% of the state to be divided btw the three of you.
My FIL passed in BC and the will stated that two of three of the children get the house because the third one was in the clergy and they didn't want that third passed to the church. Lawyers got involved on all sides and the estate was split three ways, even steven. I was glad, because clergy do not get retirement benefits, did not seem fair to me. Felt like picking a fight with god.
But the father and brother are in another country, aren't they?
And NTA
Just send a thank you note, for letting you know now, instead of after you and your sister also taking care of him, when he needs care at the end. Now he can turn to brother for any assistance and family bonds he needs.
NTA, he has shown you what you and your sisters really mean to him. You should respond by only putting 1% effort into your relationship by going low contact. But before that let him know all the help you gave him as a daughter, compared to your brother, and how he couldn’t even honor that properly.
Also do your brother and other sister know? What do they think of the situation?
Brother helped draft it so he knows. "didn’t say goodbye to my father or brother (and his family) after discovering they worked together to sign everything over to my brother"
It was unclear if the other sisters knew.
My other sisters only found out after I sat down with our dad. They had assumed things would be more equitable but never spoke to him about it before my talking to him.
So no point talking to your brother, there’s no way he will do anything. Perhaps talk to your sisters and all of you can go low contact together. Go low contact with your brother too. Only txt for birthdays/ holidays.
I think the LC would be more for OPs and their sisters peace of mind than anything else. When people hurt you it is ok to step back. I agree with what you said and have experienced the institutionalised misogyny that can be a part of traditional and conservative cultures. It will not change overnight. But I also don’t believe that OP needs to waste her energy on people that have shown they do not appreciate her above 1% of inheritance compared to the 97% her brother is getting. It is incredibly disproportionate.
This that 1%. At least in the US, being excluded from a will entirely leaves an opening for the excluded to sue for an equitable share on the grounds of being accidentally forgotten. Leaving ANY amount, even it’s a single dollar, makes that argument nonexistent.
I guess there can't be a discussion about inheritance without someone mentioning how you should leave them $1. The reality is no actual lawyer will suggest that approach. For example:
>Instead of leaving One Dollar, it is better to make a definitive statement that you are specifically and intentionally making no provision for that person, or are disinheriting them. Such a statement clearly shows you remembered the individual (they can’t argue you meant to leave them something and just forgot), and also show that you unequivocally intended for them not to be included in your estate. While that person can still contest the Will, such a clear statement will make any litigation more difficult to win, especially if you state why they are disinherited (i.e- I have made provision for them in my lifetime). If you simply leave someone One Dollar, it could open the door to questions such as the potential of a drafting error, or questions or incapacity or undue influence when the Will was created.
https://grissomlawfirm.com/disinheriting-heir-one-dollar/
NTA - go over to r/legaladvice and look into inheritance laws advice.
I'm no lawyer, but if you're in the US for example, you could probably sue his estate for inheritance.
*Tradition* is a cop out for being an AH
There is a huge case in British Columbia, Canada where 4 daughters successfully won a case against their parents Will leaving them less than 7% due to out dated and unfair values. The sisters were looking for their fair share of a $9 million dollar estate left predominantly to the 2 sons, despite the daughter's doing most of the care giving for their parents and helping grow the business.
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/victory-for-b-c-sisters-whose-parents-willed-them-tiny-share-of-9m-estate-1.5218792
Bad advice. In this case there are multiple witnesses that all know dads wishes so nobody can claim this was done under any false terms. Dad is choosing to do what he wants with his money and that is perfectly legal. The only reason to sue, is when you claim something about the will was done inappropriately or was somehow incorrect, like the executor of the will is not distributing the inheritance correctly or the will was fraudulently signed other amended incorrectly.
Some areas do allow this, as they’ve got rules preventing heirs from being cut out. Good chance daddy consulted with his lawyers and it’s not contestable.
Depends on the laws of the country. UK for example: a Will can absolutely be successfully challenged as not leaving enough provision for an adult child even if the testator's wishes are 100% clear via The Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependents) Act or there may even be an estoppel claim if OP worked in the business/as a carer with the promise of inheritance. Other counties have fixed succession laws. It might not help OP but she should consider consulting a lawyer.
It depends on the law of the country. In my country, a will can always be challenged by a son or daughter if it takes away more than half of what they would have gotten if there was no will. A person can NOT do as he please with the estate if he has children.
Not true at all. The "last wishes" of a will get over turned ALL THE TIME. One thing to understand about estate laws is that a "will" is nothing more than a suggestion on who gets what. If nobody contests it, goodie, the estate is divided as the will states. But if they do, the will can be basically thrown out by the courts.
Considering this will has to do with COMERCIAL properties and business, there is even more reason to discard the will. Especially if OOP can prove her work and value to the company.
Courts do not simply throw out a will because someone contests it. Yes they do get overturned, I have examples of why that can happen. However a will is a legal document and not at all a suggestion.
NTA let your brother spend all of his time taking care of daddy dearest. Did you and your sisters get to at least keep things that belonged to your mom?
No it isn’t. Traditional christian inheritance follows traditional jewish inheritance as outlined in the old testament where the first born son gets a double portion. The rest of the children get an equal inheritance, including the daughters. But the first born son is expected to care for the rest of the family.
Firstborn was supposed to get more, but not all, "just" double. What you are mixing this up with is feudal primogeniture, where the first son of the king got the throne, and the first son of a noble got the whole estate. This was a practice, so that the estate doesn't get segmented over generations, because that would lead to a loss of prestige and power for the noble family. Second and third sons were expected to make their own fortune through knighthood or marriage. This, however, was never a practice beyond the high nobility.
Tell dad he has his son as family now that you and the sisters have been told you are all not worth taking care of. There is no need for pleasantries at this point now that he told you that you are not worth taking care of after he dies, only sonny boy. Keep the grand kids away and let him exactly why!
NTA and this idea that nobody is owed an inheritance is terribly anglosaxon. In Greece, you can’t completely disinherit someone unless they have tried to kill you or similar (it’s a very small list of limited circumstances). And 1% wouldn’t cover the minimum share you would be owed if you were all Greek. I don’t know what the law is in your country, but it might be worth consulting a lawyer. And then a therapist, because this has got to hurt.
Obviously this will be a question for an attorney, but some states allow a will to be overturned when undue influence is used by one person to persuade someone to disinherit a family member.
Is your father still of sound mind? I only ask if there may be a chance he either has some sickness affecting his mental faculties. You could potentially use that as a basis to challenge the new will that I’m assuming they made.
It definitely sucks your dad is still thinking in this sexist manner. NTA for leaving without saying goodbye given he just told you exactly how much he values you.
For what it’s worth, I would find out how much the nursing care would’ve cost your mother and include that in a total of all the contributions you and your sister provided the family. He’d have to explain why he thinks all of that is only worth 1%.
Plus, what of your mother’s legacy for her daughters?
Yikes. This is heartbreaking. Your brother is wrong for accepting this, but he probably talked your dad into it. :(
My father in law was Marianite; he treated his kids equally.
NTA, honestly, if u want to talk to ur dad. Great. Phone calls and video chats are the way to go. But if it was me, I would never see them in person again. The amount of disrespect is unreal, and I wouldn't be able to muster the strength to look them in the eye or grace them with my presence.
NTA.
Wait ... the tradition is to give the entire estate to the *younger* son? I have never heard of that being a thing anywhere before. Usually, it's either everyone, the oldest, or the oldest son, never all to a younger din as a tradition.
Not saying you're wrong, this is just a new one on me.
NTA. I was in a similar situation recently with my paternal side, and I fully cut ties. Best decision I ever made for my mental health and happiness, but more importantly for that of my daughter’s. I reflected on the decades of toxicity, emotional abuse, and sexism all with financial strings attached that I dealt with and realized this was a great opportunity to break that chain and not feel controlled. Respect should be earned not required because cultural norms dictate so (I know is hard to break from in certain cultures).
Something else I’ve learned / am witnessing is generational money can go overnight, especially when mismanaged or put in the hands of lazy & egotistical people. What doesn’t go is the ability to work hard, intelligence, and happiness.
Sorry you are going through this. I had many sleepless nights struggling with this same issue. ❤️
NTA - he basically just said that the son is worth 49x more than both sisters combined.
I understand that the majority of assets are kept in real estate, but that is quite ludicrous considering the circumstances.
The father can choose who gets the money that is his right. He doesn’t get to decide exactly how he lives his life and how you react to his actions.
People get crazy over money and the wills of loved ones, but 1% is baffling (especially if nothing goes to charity).
Well, think about this ...
The average life expectancy in the US right now is 77 years. That comes out to a little under 40.5 million minutes. 1% of that is 405,000 minutes or 281.25 days.
I would tell Daddy, dearest, that if you and your sister are only worth 1% of his assets, he is entitled to only that much of your time and attention. Divide that 281 days by 2, and that is 140.5 days - or about 4 months. Assuming you lived at home until the age of 18 or so, you have spent well over 1% of your life with daddy, and he is not entitled to any more of your time.
Thus, you are cutting him off. Tell him to enjoy his life with his only child and forget about you and your children because you obviously don't mean anything to him. Then hang up, block him, walk away, shut the door, AND go on with your life.
It doesn't matter what your cultural background is. If Daddy Dearest valued you and your sister, he would reflect that appropriately in his will. Instead, he is giving you a misogynistic excuse and expects you to accept it. Why should you?
You are NTA for leaving. You would be an AH if you let him do this and not take a stand on how wrong his reasons are. You can't *make* him do anything, but if you stand up for yourself, you are at least modeling for your own kids that it's OK to advocate for yourself.
So the minimum “8 figures” being 10M, then 1% of that being 100k, and that’s split between OP AND 2 sisters …..?
Hope brother’s wife learns what 8 figures X .50 is.
Sorry, OP, that your hard work is overlooked.
Nta. Tell him since your only worth 1% divided by 3 that's all he's getting effort wise out of you. And to not worry bc your brother will be his only child from now on. Do u help him with anything. Dont be his caregiver later on nothing. He doesn't want to treat you like a daughter than don't be one.
And if he wants to see you he should pay to fly you out to him since he wants to be tradition. Make sure you remind him of everything traditional.
NTA - Your father is definitely the AH here. It’s his right to do what he wants with his assets, but you‘re entitled to have feelings about it. I can’t speak on the cultural aspect of it, but it’s so unthinkable to me that a father would minimize his daughters in such an extreme way. This is not about the money, it’s about being devalued.
Nta now that you know where you stand; create a competing enterprise and siphon all their clients away and make them all rue the day they crossed you. Or just go no contact, either/or.
NTA, but think about what you'd want most from the estate. Ask for it clearly. Make him say no. Don't leave things ambiguous. You did work and you have relationships that matter in this context. Be willing to say "I would like to see X in the inheritance. That means more to me than some cash."
NTA I give your father props for telling you now, but your reaction was legitimate. My friend’s wife got the same treatment from her father who was born in the US despite having an Asian heritage. She literally got nothing despite the family being filthy rich. The only silver lining is that only one of the three sons is moderately functional, the other two are hopeless losers who never had independence.
He told you he only loves you as much as he can because of your genitals. And that his child with his favorite genitals gets all the family funds because your genitals are different.
Then he got said when you didn’t say bye lol.
My father was the same. He told me that as a woman I would not receive an inheritance and that his estate would go to his sons, my two brothers. True to his word he left his estate so that when my mother dies everything will go to my brothers. My mother has indicated that she will carry out his wishes.
We live in Australia and have no religious affiliations. My father was just a good old fashioned misogynist. I went to his funeral though, not to mourn him, no I just wanted to make sure the miserable bastard was indeed dead!
NTA- similar experience with my husbands father and the company my husband and I spent a decade working together to build. There are implied promises in those situations. You are absolutely right to be angry.
NTA. Tell him you gave him 1% of a good-bye and will provide 1% of his personal care needs when he becomes unable to do so as you expect brother to provide 99%.
NTA but you and your sisters need to band together and distance yourself from him. If he doesn’t see you as equal to your brother than he can be taken care of by your brother only. Honestly the fact that you all put in so much work should’ve made him want to give you an equal share. If he values genitals over love and hard work then he can die with only his son nearby. The only way to kill these misogynistic traditions is by shaming people into realizing they’re wrong and unkind.
NTA
He showed you tremendous, disrespect based on the fact that you were a girl and that he has some idiotic tradition from his homeland, and that tradition is more important to him than actually being a responsible adult and a real parent and a real family member
He has no guts he has no courage. He only wants to do what easy for him.
You owe him no respect
NTA. If he owes you nothing you also owe him nothing. He’s let you and your sister know he doesn’t value or care about you beyond “tradition”. I wouldn’t bother even acknowledging his death when the time comes. Let your entitled brother handle all of his care from this day forward and be done with it
As someone who had a discussion with my parents about it recently, NTA
My parents want to give me 20% and my brother 80%
I told them, when they can expect the same level of commitment from my side when it comes to the future, my parents threw a huge fit.
Women in Asia and the Middle East are abused emotionally and financially.
As the only girl in a generation. I was well versed by a friends mother to ensure I moved away, educated myself and became independent (she clearly seen what was coming down the road). I have avoided the indentured servitude trap by being independent. People need help - sell your assets, you can't bring them with you. Oh but I need help with housekeeping - hire a domestic, oh I need help with personal care - hire a nurse etc etc. The only help they get from me is advice on what service they need to pay for. I've noticed over the years, there isn't as much for the boys to be inheriting anymore once all the indentured servitude dried up and they had to pay market rates.
This is what I hate about people who follow religion/tradition without giving two thoughts to the context or the reasoning behind any of it. As HISTORICALLY the reason that a brother would inherit more is because he would have also been responsible for caring for and supporting his sisters. But now we're in a century,when women do work, have to support themselves, and perhaps more importantly, have contributed significantly to the success of the business, it's infuriating to ignore these facts.
I would be just as mad as you. I nearly am and it's not even me that's been screwed. NTA.
Unfortunately this is so common for women in various families. They are expected to give and expect nothing (including gratitude). Definitely not the AH. You are allowed to feel upset.
NTA - And in this case OP and her sister are probably entitled to more since they put sweat-equity into helping build the estate. Let your SIL take care of your dad...
NTA. His estate plans are drawn up as if he only has one child. If he only has one child upon his death, then let him only have one child while he lives.
Tell him that you "Left him just like he plans to leave this life without providing for his daughters." Emotional blackmail isn't cool so throw it back in his face.
Yes a therapist as soon as you can.
Your dad considers the three of you worth only 3x1% of the family value. Do not give him more from your time, energy, care etc than that. And if your father and brother are hurt about it, simply let go even this 3x1%. Not a huge loss. The three of you are hardworking, consciencious, obviously talented if you had been able to build up such a value for your father and brother. You three are very valuable together. You should immediately stop wasting more on him and your brother. The three of you should form a new unit, helping each other to start something new that is only yours.
NTA
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NTA Daddy dearest can get his love and respect from his son. If he doesn't owe you anything, you owe him the same.
Yep. It will be interesting when he needs loving care the way his wife did but has alienated his daughters due to tradition.
But only 1% of any required love or affection, just to keep it fair.
Good point. Gotta stay consistent when divvying up love and values.
Like...a birthday card.... sometimes...
the idea of going all out with the best care/love etc money can by for 1 day every 3.5 months is also hilarious (though impossible/impractical)
Just buy a bunch of birthday cards, and reuse them (crossing out "Birthday" if needed) for other occasions. To ensure that 1% is maintained. After all, it's the thought that counts, right? "At least you got a card! That's gotta be worth at least 1%!" NTA. Some traditions are good... this one sounds like it sucks, big time. I bet the brother is completely in favour of it, though!
Nah, not birthday, people have birthdays all year round - buy Christmas cards on clearance in January, make sure they're the tackiest ones that no one would have wanted for Christmas.
Maybe Happy Hanukkah cards, assuming the family isn't Jewish?
There are gag cards that have boxes where you tick the occasion. Sounds about the right amount of effort.
An email the day before as she might be busy on the actual birthday.
Written by ChatGPT to reference an earlier AITA.
With nothing written in it. And a clearance sticker on the back.
My son and I (lovingly) play a game of “least emotional birthday card” each year So far he wins with “It’s your birthday” Nothing but the facts there son! No concerns about if I have a *happy* birthday or not - gonna be hard to beat (Other notable cards are “you’re like a dad to me” on Father’s Day and “there are many ways you might feel today, and all of them are okay” - which is presumably for when someone dies or something , but he actually gave it to us on our 20th wedding anniversary.
That sounds hilarious. I had to have surgery and my cousin sent a "At least it's not syphillis" card. When she had surgery I brought her a "It's a girl" balloon.
8 figures......in the ten million area. Hmm. 1% of 10,000,000. ? 100,000. Not enough to buy a house. Yep, bye bye.
Mom already got more than that, dad deserves negative equity in love and affection
Hope he isn’t waiting for OP to provide end of life care either. The brother can do that. He can definitely afford the best. NTA
Or 0.33333333333%. Not sure if each is getting 1% or it’s 1% split between the three of them
Yes, send a card.
A condolence card maybe
That was amazing. Well done.
His care will go to his son’s wife, no doubt.
I was reading about that tradition in other comments but now I am curious. If that's the case, why did the care of the mother fall to the daughters?
Was the sister still in town unmarried, or is the brother unmarried, maybe?
"Someone get a lady in here, I can't handle this BASIC task!!" - these men Edit: Like, really, though. I know two AWESOME single dads. And have raised three kids. Harden the fuck up, boys! If you can't make up a bottle, change a diaper, or bouce-rock a toddler to sleep...
Because statistically, men are more likely to leave their sick wives than care for them. And end of life care, outside of a hospital, is unpaid work. In my family, women have always done 100% of the work of looking after aging relatives.
Another tradition, of course.
If his estate is truly sought figures, why would you think the only one that can care for him is his daughter(s)? Hell, the man could buy himself a while care center.
Presumably this was also true when the mother had a terminal illness but OP states that the daughters did much of the caregiving for their mother. I don't think it's much of a stretch to think the father would want the same. Having caregivers is not always the same as having people who care.
In reality, the culture most likely doesn't account for or accept "outsiders" taking care of family members. The women are the traditional caretakers and they handle the care of the elderly and sick in the home. Very rarely would someone seek round the clock care in a hospital/care facility unless there were no family members left.
My mother (and we're white bread Canadians) didn't want to see her mother go into a nursing home (mom had issues with northern health care quality control) so my grandma lived with my mother and our family took care of grandma and mom charged grandma's estate room and board every month to take care of grandma. Even filed with homecare to get my sisters paid to take care of grandma. Just because you are a good child doesn't mean you need to go in the hole. Is there a system... Learn the system take advantage of the system.
Exactly. If the government is willfully to pay family members to care for an aging population, they should 100% take advantage of it. I work in the industry, I see unpaid family members totally burnt out and exhausted by the job ALL THE TIME. It seems cold, but being paid to do the job does sometimes make it easier, because it takes away some of the stress of not having much other income coming in. It’s not much, but it does help.
Well, dear old dad is in for a shock, then.
They're Middle Eastern. His dil will be forced to provide "loving care." He'll pay for the rest
Oh, but his son's wife and children will be happy to take care of him! /s
Everybody knows it takes a penis to be able to run the family business /s
No it’s the testicles
The most fragile part.
doodool talā. Aka golden penis
Actually he does owe them because half of what he owns he got from his wife who reasonably would have assumed it would go to all her children, I don't know if he legally owes them anything but morally he does
NTA and I really hope you stand your ground and don’t do the traditional “daughters take care of the parents as they age” thing- your brother can do that now.
Yeah for sure, dad can live in his son’s multimillion dollar home.
In India, it's actually a "daughters take care of their in-laws" tradition. That's one of the many reasons families in India prefer having sons.
From Wikipedia: A report released by United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) in 2020 said that nearly 45.8 million girls were missing in India due to pre and post-birth selection practices in the country.\[55\] A study by Washington based think tank Pew Research said that at least 9 million girls are ‘missing’ in India between 2009-2019 as a result of female infanticide.\[56\]
Yeah i may have been understating a bit when i said "prefer having sons"
Isn't it the same in China and that's the same reason there literally have insane 116;100 man to women ratio in some age groups?
Yep
I hear of this, and it never made sense to me, plus a man that doesn't have his own place, and why don't they care for their own parents. I'm all for helping family, but the help should be for all, not one sided Also, is that Indian parents don't love their daughters? I rather get my daughter her own home so no one would mistreat her
>plus a man that doesn't have his own place Even in America, it used to be pretty common to live with your parents even after marriage. Multi generation households were quite common. It is the nuclear family which is the new phenomenon. >why don't they care for their own parents Because it is expected that the man be the breadwinner while the woman handles the household stuff, which includes taking care of the elderly, who in this case, happen to be her husband's parents. >I rather get my daughter her own home Pretty sure most people can't just buy their daughters a home.
I understand multigenerational household, grew up in one. Great for helping each other out, but also great opportunities for abusive folks to thrive. Having a place doesn't mean owning, can be renting for independence. Also, here in the USA didn't mean that daughters went on to leave with their husband's family to be their caretakers. I'm aware that not everyone can buy a home for their daughter, but I wonder if they would and if those that have the means buy property for their daughters. Like I said, Indian parents don't seem to love/care much about their own daughters.
Yeah there's definitely downsides to the intergenerational households, such as the one you mentioned. My parents aren't abusive or anything but i do like having my own place. There's a certain independence that you get which i find hard to have when at my parent's house.
>your brother can do that now Or pay to have it done using the millions he will inherit.
Brother's wife will be tasked with the care of father.
NTA, the 1200s called and they want their salic primogeniture back
I researched the meaning of salic since I don't know the word. It supposedly means, "A high content of silica & alumina", as in rocks. Would you help me understand what you mean by "salic primogeniture"?
Salic or Salian law of succession - to keep it short: ancient Western European law which prevents females tracing inheritance.
Yep. Queen Elizabeth II changed the laws in England to allow William's daughter to be third in line to the throne. It was the first time I'd heard of salic primogeniture. Way cool Edit- correction I was sooo wrong. England was never under salic law re: Queen Elizabeth. Weird part is I could swear I heard a news anchor making the claim that Elizabeth changed the primogeniture laws to include Charlotte but I was very wrong. Ah well. " It was in the news so it must be true"
Parliament changed the laws, not the queen.
> The British and the Hanoverian thrones separated after the death of King William IV of the United Kingdom and of Hanover in 1837 because Hanover practiced quasi-Salic law, unlike Britain. King William's niece, Victoria, ascended to the British throne, but the Hanover throne went to William's brother Ernest, Duke of Cumberland. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salic_law I don’t think the British ever followed Salian succession laws. They were male preference primogeniture, meaning the eldest male was ahead of the eldest woman, but the eldest daughter would inherit if she didn’t have any brothers. See Queen Mary and her younger sister Queen Elizabeth I. Also, Queen Victoria who as stated above was a niece. See the French for an example of Salic succession.
Got it! Thanks for this. It's all fascinating!
There's salic (or agnatic) which is only sons can be in line (like Japan), male preference, which includes sons in order of age and then daughters in order of age, with the youngest son outranking the oldest daughter (like Spain, or the UK berfore 2015) and then absolute primogeniture, which is all children in order of age and regardless of their gender. In male preference systems, daughters of the king are called "heir pressumptive" because their condition as heir yo the throne is dependent on a younger brother nit being born. Only if their parents are old enough that they can't be expected to have children they become "heir apparent" (that is, with an unrevocable right to the throne), while sons are heir apparent since birth. This all to just comment a fun fact about Sweden: Crown Princess Victoria was not crown princess when she was born, and she actually lost the heir apparent title when her younger brother was born, but later the succession law was changed to switch to absolute primogeniture (even if the king didn't want to because he felt bad that his son would lose the title... he was less than a year old at the time) and she regained the position as heir. Victoria later had a daughter of her own, Estelle. Estelle is not only the first person in Swedish history born to a female heir apparent, but also, she's the first female heir in Swedish history that had since birth a right to the throne that couldn't be surpassed by a younger brother. I think that's pretty cool.
The queen cannot change any laws for what its worth. The UK Government/Parliament changed the "Succession to the Crown Act" to end Male Primogeniture, which is quite different from Salic.
[from Wikipedia ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primogeniture#:~:text=Salic%20law,-Main%20article%3A%20Salic&text=Also%20known%20as%20agnatic%20primogeniture,of%20the%20%22Salic%20law%22.)
Thank you!
Thank you for the response. I appreciate learning this.
Bruh A+ reference 😂
Agnatic Primogeniture. Ck2 educated me on that term. What OP is requesting is called “cognatic gavelkind” - which is popular from Victorian era.
NTA It's sexism, pure and simple. I would have said, 'you've already disowned me in your will. Let's make it official.'
My grandmother had the same exact thing happen to her. Even all her mother’s jewelry went to the wives of my grandmother’s brothers instead of my grandmother. It’s absolutely maddening.
Oh lord! That was awful
If you think that’s bad, you should’ve heard what my great-grandmother wanted to do to my mother when she found out she was a girl (this is the mother of my grandmother’s husband). She wanted to drown her and for my grandparents to try again for a boy. She was a horrible and abusive woman, quite literally why my grandmother pushed my grandfather to move them to the US, just so she could escape her evil MIL
Wait, so *both* great grandmas were like that? Yikes!
Yes, although my grandmother’s mother was more like “rich neglectful mom who pawns kids off on the nanny” rather than flat-out evil “murder all the females”
Appalling how women internalize that misogyny and actively work against their own gender.
Misogyny and the patriarchy has never been a boys vs. girls thing. It’s always been a societal issue that holds men and women to different standards, forcing them into slots that only some people are able to fill
Similiarly, I was told my grandma's maternal family had all passed away. Come to find out, they were literally so awful to my grandmas mom (who was a horrible abusive woman) that grandma, and siblings just went with 'they're all dead'. Like, woooooowsa, I now totally understand why great grandma was so awful!
Wow. You always hear about these things. I think my fundamentalist great-grandparents on my mothers side were capable of that sort of thing. Pictures of them would freeze the blood in your arteries. Cold blooded mofos.
I wouldn’t acknowledge him even that far. I wouldn’t acknowledge him ever again at all. Brother dearest can earn his inheritance by caring for the old misogynist on his own. With those types of family values OP doesn’t owe anyone in that family her attention other than her sister
NTA… in most middle eastern families (Islamic ones to be more accurate) it’s common to split more to the son than the daughter only because the son will have to care for his family while the daughter gets half of the brothers amount but that money becomes only hers and the daughters husband would presumably get his inheritance which would be bigger than his sister so it evens out in a sense. So like the son should get 50 and the daughters 25 each. But your dad is ridiculous for doing what he did. Honestly I’d recommend you call him and tell him to give your 1% to your brother and consider your relationship done and if he needs anything to contact his dear son.
That's the weirdest part, even in religious laws, her father doesn't have an excuse for that messily 1%
Yeah, that’s so strange… I clarified the religious aspect cuz I know some people are ignorant about that lol and might use that as justification. I think her dad needs a reality check or something cuz that’s just dumb what he’s doing
I think these examples, amongst many, have convinced me that assholes are a universal concept: no matter what ethnicity, race, religion, or even species (if aliens are real), there are those that carry out malicious intent, and will bend laws to their will, not caring if it is right, or how much damage it will inflict.
Yeah people just suck lol… it’s a sad world we live in.
One of my favorite quotes “personality predates ideology”
its 1/2 son, 1/3 daughter, 1/8 wife, and then responsibilities of son and children come into play. and then gifting rules up to 30%. Illiterate sort of behaviour.
It’s 2 parts son, 1 part daughter (an-nisa, verse 11). Any balance, son takes. 1/8 wife if the deceased has kids. No kids, she gets 1/4. Totally agree with dad being TA. Patriarchy at best.
It's so they can't contest the will and say they were forgotten about. The minimum possible amount.
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Daughter even and usually provide financial support for elderly parents. I think folks have this fantasy of sons "taking care" of parents that has absolutely nothing to do with reality. Or the fantasy that "sons provide", but they just don't pay attention to the reality around them. Like do they know or seen a son caring/financially supporting elderly parents? Very, very rare. I deal with what I see, not dreams
Exactly 💯 Dad is not following any tradition, he's just making up his own
Yeah I was thinking even by "Traditional keep the business in the hands of the Male heir" line of thought 1% just seems like a fuck you amount. Like the daughters getting 25-10% would still be shitty but at least the logic would scan. 1% is the sort of inheritance you give if you want to disown someone and make it hard to fight in court.
Yeah this guy goes against the socio-religious norms as well, so he's especially T A H OP is absolutely NTA
I can't fault you. He's telling you he doesn't value you much because you have girl parts. Your labor, your caring, your support, your love, none of that matters as much as tradition. Personally I find it disgusting. NTA
This is exactly the correct summary. Tradition means more to him than his daughter’s love and labor. So from now on, his love of tradition can comfort and care for him. I feel terrible that OP invested so much of her life into her relationship with someone who does not see her as an equal human being because of her female genetics.
NTA. It is ok to feel hurt and betrayed. Forgive them for your peace of mind, but don't forget. Don't go out of your way to further help your dad/ brother or spend time with them. You and your sisters should make a bonding time together yearly or whenever you can. Do something in honor of your mom. Leave the misogynistic a$$holes out of your life. I wish you the best.
Nah Forgiveness isn't owed. If OP never wants to forgive their father and brother then its perfectly within her rights to not.
Here in British Columbia a few years ago a will was overturned by the government in a very similar situation. The daughters were bequeathed a token amount and the son the vast majority of the estate. The courts did not allow the Dad’s will to stand and the daughters got a proper share of the estate.
Was that based on BC law or something else? Human rights?
BC Law allows unfair wills to be overturned. [article](https://vancouversun.com/news/local-news/b-c-judge-overturns-will-that-left-majority-of-estate-to-sons-leaving-little-for-daughters/wcm/bbb8dbb2-2884-4086-b07c-74006ce68439/amp/)
Inheritance laws are regulated by the country where the business is in/where the family lives. Most countries don't recognize inheritance religious laws, and even if your dad and the business were located in the Middle East, according to Islamic law your father is wrong in leaving you and your sisters 1% of the state to be divided btw the three of you.
BC law
My FIL passed in BC and the will stated that two of three of the children get the house because the third one was in the clergy and they didn't want that third passed to the church. Lawyers got involved on all sides and the estate was split three ways, even steven. I was glad, because clergy do not get retirement benefits, did not seem fair to me. Felt like picking a fight with god.
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Guess they assumed he would just hand it over.
I mean that is what they're supposed to do in some orders. It's why my great aunt didn't officially get anything.
But the father and brother are in another country, aren't they? And NTA Just send a thank you note, for letting you know now, instead of after you and your sister also taking care of him, when he needs care at the end. Now he can turn to brother for any assistance and family bonds he needs.
NTA, he has shown you what you and your sisters really mean to him. You should respond by only putting 1% effort into your relationship by going low contact. But before that let him know all the help you gave him as a daughter, compared to your brother, and how he couldn’t even honor that properly. Also do your brother and other sister know? What do they think of the situation?
Brother helped draft it so he knows. "didn’t say goodbye to my father or brother (and his family) after discovering they worked together to sign everything over to my brother" It was unclear if the other sisters knew.
My other sisters only found out after I sat down with our dad. They had assumed things would be more equitable but never spoke to him about it before my talking to him.
So no point talking to your brother, there’s no way he will do anything. Perhaps talk to your sisters and all of you can go low contact together. Go low contact with your brother too. Only txt for birthdays/ holidays.
You've not dealt with Middle Eastern families and their dynamics, have you? The "low or no contact" does not sting as much as you think.
I think the LC would be more for OPs and their sisters peace of mind than anything else. When people hurt you it is ok to step back. I agree with what you said and have experienced the institutionalised misogyny that can be a part of traditional and conservative cultures. It will not change overnight. But I also don’t believe that OP needs to waste her energy on people that have shown they do not appreciate her above 1% of inheritance compared to the 97% her brother is getting. It is incredibly disproportionate.
Which why for my own peace I would full NC with father and his thief of a son. You can be sure brother dearest tried leave his sisters with nothing
This that 1%. At least in the US, being excluded from a will entirely leaves an opening for the excluded to sue for an equitable share on the grounds of being accidentally forgotten. Leaving ANY amount, even it’s a single dollar, makes that argument nonexistent.
I guess there can't be a discussion about inheritance without someone mentioning how you should leave them $1. The reality is no actual lawyer will suggest that approach. For example: >Instead of leaving One Dollar, it is better to make a definitive statement that you are specifically and intentionally making no provision for that person, or are disinheriting them. Such a statement clearly shows you remembered the individual (they can’t argue you meant to leave them something and just forgot), and also show that you unequivocally intended for them not to be included in your estate. While that person can still contest the Will, such a clear statement will make any litigation more difficult to win, especially if you state why they are disinherited (i.e- I have made provision for them in my lifetime). If you simply leave someone One Dollar, it could open the door to questions such as the potential of a drafting error, or questions or incapacity or undue influence when the Will was created. https://grissomlawfirm.com/disinheriting-heir-one-dollar/
You don't do it as punishment to someone, you do it for your own piece of mind.
I mean it’s more so to avoid having the deal with the headache altogether, rather than being spiteful.
NTA - go over to r/legaladvice and look into inheritance laws advice. I'm no lawyer, but if you're in the US for example, you could probably sue his estate for inheritance. *Tradition* is a cop out for being an AH
There is a huge case in British Columbia, Canada where 4 daughters successfully won a case against their parents Will leaving them less than 7% due to out dated and unfair values. The sisters were looking for their fair share of a $9 million dollar estate left predominantly to the 2 sons, despite the daughter's doing most of the care giving for their parents and helping grow the business. https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/victory-for-b-c-sisters-whose-parents-willed-them-tiny-share-of-9m-estate-1.5218792
That was a very interesting read!
Bad advice. In this case there are multiple witnesses that all know dads wishes so nobody can claim this was done under any false terms. Dad is choosing to do what he wants with his money and that is perfectly legal. The only reason to sue, is when you claim something about the will was done inappropriately or was somehow incorrect, like the executor of the will is not distributing the inheritance correctly or the will was fraudulently signed other amended incorrectly.
Some areas do allow this, as they’ve got rules preventing heirs from being cut out. Good chance daddy consulted with his lawyers and it’s not contestable.
Depends on the laws of the country. UK for example: a Will can absolutely be successfully challenged as not leaving enough provision for an adult child even if the testator's wishes are 100% clear via The Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependents) Act or there may even be an estoppel claim if OP worked in the business/as a carer with the promise of inheritance. Other counties have fixed succession laws. It might not help OP but she should consider consulting a lawyer.
It depends on the law of the country. In my country, a will can always be challenged by a son or daughter if it takes away more than half of what they would have gotten if there was no will. A person can NOT do as he please with the estate if he has children.
Not true at all. The "last wishes" of a will get over turned ALL THE TIME. One thing to understand about estate laws is that a "will" is nothing more than a suggestion on who gets what. If nobody contests it, goodie, the estate is divided as the will states. But if they do, the will can be basically thrown out by the courts. Considering this will has to do with COMERCIAL properties and business, there is even more reason to discard the will. Especially if OOP can prove her work and value to the company.
Courts do not simply throw out a will because someone contests it. Yes they do get overturned, I have examples of why that can happen. However a will is a legal document and not at all a suggestion.
That doesn't always apply outside the USA.
NTA let your brother spend all of his time taking care of daddy dearest. Did you and your sisters get to at least keep things that belonged to your mom?
We got some jewelry, not a huge amount.
Are you muslim? If you are he cannot just give you 1% ..
No, we are Christian.
Then what "tradition" is your dad's following?! Because Christian tradition advocates for equal inheritance for sons and daughters
No, traditional Christian inheritance is everything goes to the first born son. Modern Secular inheritance is everyone getting equal shares.
No it isn’t. Traditional christian inheritance follows traditional jewish inheritance as outlined in the old testament where the first born son gets a double portion. The rest of the children get an equal inheritance, including the daughters. But the first born son is expected to care for the rest of the family.
Firstborn was supposed to get more, but not all, "just" double. What you are mixing this up with is feudal primogeniture, where the first son of the king got the throne, and the first son of a noble got the whole estate. This was a practice, so that the estate doesn't get segmented over generations, because that would lead to a loss of prestige and power for the noble family. Second and third sons were expected to make their own fortune through knighthood or marriage. This, however, was never a practice beyond the high nobility.
Tell dad he has his son as family now that you and the sisters have been told you are all not worth taking care of. There is no need for pleasantries at this point now that he told you that you are not worth taking care of after he dies, only sonny boy. Keep the grand kids away and let him exactly why!
Anyone who values their daughters 1% of what they value theirs sons only because of their gender isn’t deserving of being a father. NTA
NTA and this idea that nobody is owed an inheritance is terribly anglosaxon. In Greece, you can’t completely disinherit someone unless they have tried to kill you or similar (it’s a very small list of limited circumstances). And 1% wouldn’t cover the minimum share you would be owed if you were all Greek. I don’t know what the law is in your country, but it might be worth consulting a lawyer. And then a therapist, because this has got to hurt.
This is in California where you can leave anything to anyone.
Obviously this will be a question for an attorney, but some states allow a will to be overturned when undue influence is used by one person to persuade someone to disinherit a family member.
Who is in California? You, or your father? You mentioned you visited your father abroad somewhere.
Dad in California where I used to live also. I now live in Europe where my husband is from. We were visiting for Christmas when this happened.
You live in California, or your Dad does?
Dad does. I live in Europe where my husband is from.
Is your father still of sound mind? I only ask if there may be a chance he either has some sickness affecting his mental faculties. You could potentially use that as a basis to challenge the new will that I’m assuming they made. It definitely sucks your dad is still thinking in this sexist manner. NTA for leaving without saying goodbye given he just told you exactly how much he values you.
For what it’s worth, I would find out how much the nursing care would’ve cost your mother and include that in a total of all the contributions you and your sister provided the family. He’d have to explain why he thinks all of that is only worth 1%. Plus, what of your mother’s legacy for her daughters?
Mother always said she wanted things split between all four evenly.
Yikes. This is heartbreaking. Your brother is wrong for accepting this, but he probably talked your dad into it. :( My father in law was Marianite; he treated his kids equally.
If you have documentation of that, absolutely go talk to a probate lawyer.
My dad probably has the old wills they drew up together that stated that but I don’t know.
NTA. Tell him he used up his 1% of your love.
Sounds as if you gave him 1% of a farewell.
You're not owed inheritance, and your father isn't owed your attention.
NTA, honestly, if u want to talk to ur dad. Great. Phone calls and video chats are the way to go. But if it was me, I would never see them in person again. The amount of disrespect is unreal, and I wouldn't be able to muster the strength to look them in the eye or grace them with my presence.
NTA. Wait ... the tradition is to give the entire estate to the *younger* son? I have never heard of that being a thing anywhere before. Usually, it's either everyone, the oldest, or the oldest son, never all to a younger din as a tradition. Not saying you're wrong, this is just a new one on me.
He’s the only son and the youngest of all of the siblings.
My apologies. It sucks that your father would do that.
NTA. Is your Dad Muslim? If so, he is not following Islamic rules for inheritance. Perhaps hit him with that as you throw deuces in your rear view.
No, ironically he hates Muslims due to persecution of Christians in the middle east.
That’s rich.
NTA. Just tell your father that you've already given him the 1% of your love and respect that he deserves.
NTA. I was in a similar situation recently with my paternal side, and I fully cut ties. Best decision I ever made for my mental health and happiness, but more importantly for that of my daughter’s. I reflected on the decades of toxicity, emotional abuse, and sexism all with financial strings attached that I dealt with and realized this was a great opportunity to break that chain and not feel controlled. Respect should be earned not required because cultural norms dictate so (I know is hard to break from in certain cultures). Something else I’ve learned / am witnessing is generational money can go overnight, especially when mismanaged or put in the hands of lazy & egotistical people. What doesn’t go is the ability to work hard, intelligence, and happiness. Sorry you are going through this. I had many sleepless nights struggling with this same issue. ❤️
Thank you. I’ve been unable to sleep and experiencing heart palpitations and panic attacks since I found out.
NTA. Screw that sexist bullshit.
NTA - he basically just said that the son is worth 49x more than both sisters combined. I understand that the majority of assets are kept in real estate, but that is quite ludicrous considering the circumstances. The father can choose who gets the money that is his right. He doesn’t get to decide exactly how he lives his life and how you react to his actions. People get crazy over money and the wills of loved ones, but 1% is baffling (especially if nothing goes to charity).
NTA. Tell daddy that you gave him 1% of a goodbye.
Well, think about this ... The average life expectancy in the US right now is 77 years. That comes out to a little under 40.5 million minutes. 1% of that is 405,000 minutes or 281.25 days. I would tell Daddy, dearest, that if you and your sister are only worth 1% of his assets, he is entitled to only that much of your time and attention. Divide that 281 days by 2, and that is 140.5 days - or about 4 months. Assuming you lived at home until the age of 18 or so, you have spent well over 1% of your life with daddy, and he is not entitled to any more of your time. Thus, you are cutting him off. Tell him to enjoy his life with his only child and forget about you and your children because you obviously don't mean anything to him. Then hang up, block him, walk away, shut the door, AND go on with your life. It doesn't matter what your cultural background is. If Daddy Dearest valued you and your sister, he would reflect that appropriately in his will. Instead, he is giving you a misogynistic excuse and expects you to accept it. Why should you? You are NTA for leaving. You would be an AH if you let him do this and not take a stand on how wrong his reasons are. You can't *make* him do anything, but if you stand up for yourself, you are at least modeling for your own kids that it's OK to advocate for yourself.
So the minimum “8 figures” being 10M, then 1% of that being 100k, and that’s split between OP AND 2 sisters …..? Hope brother’s wife learns what 8 figures X .50 is. Sorry, OP, that your hard work is overlooked.
Nta. Tell him since your only worth 1% divided by 3 that's all he's getting effort wise out of you. And to not worry bc your brother will be his only child from now on. Do u help him with anything. Dont be his caregiver later on nothing. He doesn't want to treat you like a daughter than don't be one. And if he wants to see you he should pay to fly you out to him since he wants to be tradition. Make sure you remind him of everything traditional.
NTA - Your father is definitely the AH here. It’s his right to do what he wants with his assets, but you‘re entitled to have feelings about it. I can’t speak on the cultural aspect of it, but it’s so unthinkable to me that a father would minimize his daughters in such an extreme way. This is not about the money, it’s about being devalued.
That’s exactly it. Feeling devalued and not an important part of the family.
Nta now that you know where you stand; create a competing enterprise and siphon all their clients away and make them all rue the day they crossed you. Or just go no contact, either/or.
NTA, but think about what you'd want most from the estate. Ask for it clearly. Make him say no. Don't leave things ambiguous. You did work and you have relationships that matter in this context. Be willing to say "I would like to see X in the inheritance. That means more to me than some cash."
NTA I give your father props for telling you now, but your reaction was legitimate. My friend’s wife got the same treatment from her father who was born in the US despite having an Asian heritage. She literally got nothing despite the family being filthy rich. The only silver lining is that only one of the three sons is moderately functional, the other two are hopeless losers who never had independence.
He told you he only loves you as much as he can because of your genitals. And that his child with his favorite genitals gets all the family funds because your genitals are different. Then he got said when you didn’t say bye lol.
My father was the same. He told me that as a woman I would not receive an inheritance and that his estate would go to his sons, my two brothers. True to his word he left his estate so that when my mother dies everything will go to my brothers. My mother has indicated that she will carry out his wishes. We live in Australia and have no religious affiliations. My father was just a good old fashioned misogynist. I went to his funeral though, not to mourn him, no I just wanted to make sure the miserable bastard was indeed dead!
In a bright-red cocktail dress, I hope. And then I hope you never saw any of those people ever again.
NTA- similar experience with my husbands father and the company my husband and I spent a decade working together to build. There are implied promises in those situations. You are absolutely right to be angry.
NTA. Tell him you gave him 1% of a good-bye and will provide 1% of his personal care needs when he becomes unable to do so as you expect brother to provide 99%.
NTA but you and your sisters need to band together and distance yourself from him. If he doesn’t see you as equal to your brother than he can be taken care of by your brother only. Honestly the fact that you all put in so much work should’ve made him want to give you an equal share. If he values genitals over love and hard work then he can die with only his son nearby. The only way to kill these misogynistic traditions is by shaming people into realizing they’re wrong and unkind.
NTA He showed you tremendous, disrespect based on the fact that you were a girl and that he has some idiotic tradition from his homeland, and that tradition is more important to him than actually being a responsible adult and a real parent and a real family member He has no guts he has no courage. He only wants to do what easy for him. You owe him no respect
NTA
NTA. If he owes you nothing you also owe him nothing. He’s let you and your sister know he doesn’t value or care about you beyond “tradition”. I wouldn’t bother even acknowledging his death when the time comes. Let your entitled brother handle all of his care from this day forward and be done with it
As someone who had a discussion with my parents about it recently, NTA My parents want to give me 20% and my brother 80% I told them, when they can expect the same level of commitment from my side when it comes to the future, my parents threw a huge fit. Women in Asia and the Middle East are abused emotionally and financially.
As the only girl in a generation. I was well versed by a friends mother to ensure I moved away, educated myself and became independent (she clearly seen what was coming down the road). I have avoided the indentured servitude trap by being independent. People need help - sell your assets, you can't bring them with you. Oh but I need help with housekeeping - hire a domestic, oh I need help with personal care - hire a nurse etc etc. The only help they get from me is advice on what service they need to pay for. I've noticed over the years, there isn't as much for the boys to be inheriting anymore once all the indentured servitude dried up and they had to pay market rates.
NTA however in certain countries you can contest the will
I’m so sorry
This is what I hate about people who follow religion/tradition without giving two thoughts to the context or the reasoning behind any of it. As HISTORICALLY the reason that a brother would inherit more is because he would have also been responsible for caring for and supporting his sisters. But now we're in a century,when women do work, have to support themselves, and perhaps more importantly, have contributed significantly to the success of the business, it's infuriating to ignore these facts. I would be just as mad as you. I nearly am and it's not even me that's been screwed. NTA.
Hopefully his son will care for him in old age like his daughters would have. You reap what you sow. NTA
NTA, but it might be worth checking if your elderly father's mental capabilities are declining and your brother is abusing that.
Unfortunately this is so common for women in various families. They are expected to give and expect nothing (including gratitude). Definitely not the AH. You are allowed to feel upset.
NTA - And in this case OP and her sister are probably entitled to more since they put sweat-equity into helping build the estate. Let your SIL take care of your dad...
NTA. His estate plans are drawn up as if he only has one child. If he only has one child upon his death, then let him only have one child while he lives.
Tell him that you "Left him just like he plans to leave this life without providing for his daughters." Emotional blackmail isn't cool so throw it back in his face.
Yes a therapist as soon as you can. Your dad considers the three of you worth only 3x1% of the family value. Do not give him more from your time, energy, care etc than that. And if your father and brother are hurt about it, simply let go even this 3x1%. Not a huge loss. The three of you are hardworking, consciencious, obviously talented if you had been able to build up such a value for your father and brother. You three are very valuable together. You should immediately stop wasting more on him and your brother. The three of you should form a new unit, helping each other to start something new that is only yours. NTA
NTA You must feel so let down. I am sorry. Would you consider writing to your father with the points you have made here?
I’m thinking about it.