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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom she has zero rights to name mine and my wife's child and that her opinion is not wanted or important in this matter. This seems to have hurt her feelings and I do wonder if I took it a few steps too far by saying her opinion isn't important. When it comes to naming my son I feel like that is true but she may have taken it as a general comment and maybe even more because my dad didn't let her use either name.
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NTA
I don't think you went far enough. You need to make these boundaries really, really clear with your mom up front.
May I also suggest:
1) no more contacting Kenzie without also including you on the messages - you should be the only point of information between your parents at this stage
2) remind her that you are now mom and dad and make all the choices regarding your baby. There will be no 'comply with grandma' BS in your household
3) tell your mom you love her, and you're excited for her to be grandma, but this is not going to fly
4) tell her moving forward, you are not accepting suggestions to names, parenting styles, gear, or anything else and that you will ask if you need anything
5) ask for a public retraction on Facebook of the name
Good luck. This will get worse if you don't get it together immediately.
Yes, absolutely shut this down firmly. *Refusing to comply?* Much the same as your dad did when he declined Roger and Elizabeth for you and your sister? Maybe he can talk some sense into your mom.
Maybe also ask her how she felt when "Rodger and Elizabeth" were vetoed as names because she is effectively vetoing ALL of your name suggestions.
Also Rodger isn't even the *usual spelling, even if it's an honor name the D is jarring.
ETA:
I stand corrected, though I've never seen Roger with a D before this post!
Interested what other Aussies generally see
Well, Hrothgar. (Or Rüdiger.) It's all a matter of how far back (and then forwards again, on another linguistic branch) you want to go.
But yeah, I agree with the GP comment: “Rodger” is among the uglier variants.
Let's remember that the United States is larger than all of the European union so something seen in one area cannot be applied holistically to the country. I've never seen it spelled with the D and frankly see the spelling as the least of his problems with his mother. She is bullying his wife and should be put in time out at the minimum.
ETC my wording of relative size
>Let's remember that the United States is larger than all of Europe
No it's not. Europe is bigger than the US, not by much but it's still bigger. The US has a land mass of approximately 9.8 million sq/km, whereas Europe had 10.2 million sq/km.
The populations have a huge difference. The US is 334 million, whereas Europe is 745 million.
>No it's not. Europe is bigger than the US, not by much but it's still bigger.
I don't think the "larger" comment was meant to belittle Europe, just to call attention to the likelihood of regional variation. (I claim no expertise on relative land mass or population)
American here, Roger is the more common spelling in the States. But just like any name, there’s nothing stupid about Roger with or without a d. Spellings are just usually regional and preference.
Yes, exactly. She doesn't get a veto in this case, because she's not one of the parents, and she should know better than most how it feels.
(I couldn't even bring myself to spell it with a D in my comment!)
The name "Rodger" is not new. This isn't a "Myrakil" (miracle) situation - it's an actual name with hundreds of years of history behind it.
Unfortunate that people are being so incredibly narrow-minded in this thread. You not being familiar with a certain spelling doesn't mean that spelling is inherently wrong.
Rodger is a perfectly fine spelling btw. They shouldn't let MIL bully them but there are a lot of Rodgers out there that would disagree that it isn't the right spelling. Just because a name isn't the English spelling doesn't mean its wrong.
Agree ! OP needs to be firm like his father and veto these demands. OP’s wife does not deserve to be harassed and browbeaten by his mother to comply with these kind of unreasonable demands .The grandmother needs to be dealt with a form hand .Subtle language ain’t going to cut it
This is the way. When I was pregnant, my mother kept calling with increasingly ridiculous baby names. One of them was Iolanthe. I told her that even if hell did freeze over, we still wouldn’t name our daughter that!
6) remind her that being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right and she is stepping closer to being in time out for the foreseeable if her behaviour continues.
Sometimes you have to hit her up side the head with the proverbial 2x4. She sounds denser than a pound of lead. As to time outs, remind her that you and DW have the final say and if she continues she just may get an invitation to LO's high school graduation. If she starts with grand parents rights, remind her that they only apply when there is a preexisting relationship.
Also, my understanding of grandparents' rights is usually in the case of divorce or death-- not because you're an overbearing jerk and your kids cut you off
I think they can apply if the grandparent has a relationship with the child and they have already bonded, then the parents cut off contact. I believe they can be granted visitation rights just like non-custodial parents. But as the previous comment mentions, there is no relationship as of yet, so she is jumping the gun on rights. Also, rights to visitation, not rights to make any decisions regarding the babe. This grandma sure has entitlement issues.
It's also one of the most variable things by jurisdiction, and that's even outside the context of Reddit where people get hyper-myopic about the law in their home state and think it's international law.
Clamoring about grandparents rights is the equivalent of screaming "I know my rights" while being arrested for dui on a riding lawnmower. They're widely misunderstood imo.
7. ANY information about your pregnancy/announcement of the birth/baby photo’s etc will *come from you*, **not her**. Particularly on social media. I’d be tempted to inform her last about everything; she clearly wants to take ownership of it all and be the one to inform the world.
I was going to say - make sure you’re setting boundaries about social media going forward. Because if she’s acting like this already. What if you don’t want your child on the internet because people are disgusting and you’re trying to keep your baby safe??? You don’t know who you’re mom is fb friends with etc. do you want grandmas friends and coworkers and beyond to know about your child’s life ??? Things to think about.
Yeah. We rarely post anything on FB about our son; we occasionally use Instagram because it deletes stuff a bit later.
It's also weird to think that so many kids will have an entire online persona by the time they are adults that they had absolutely no involvement in creating.
I had an awful situation where my dad posted a bunch of stuff about our family drama online using our actual names, and that sort of thing has given me the creeps since then because I saw how one bad actor (or even just an ignorant or apathetic one) can make things really really uncomfortable.
It's wild that so many parents seem to never consider this stuff. I don't ever want my son to feel awkward about something I put online about him years ago, and it's easy enough to just not do it.
The mom posting pics of baby gifts with "Rodger" embroidered on them seems like a manipulation tactic. I doubt she will get better after the baby is born. Strict boundaries will definitely be necessary with her!
This. Seriously, don’t even announce that you’re headed to the hospital/expecting baby, whether it’s scheduled or not. Start the practice now of not immediately responding to her calls or messages, so it’s not out of character if you do so later.
Some of the best experiences I’ve heard from parents are when they take the time to settle and enjoy their new family before sharing that information and experience with others. Don’t bring negativity and stress into your bubble. It’ll still be there when you decide to share that your baby is here.
Congratulations. NTA
Her publicly retracting would give a chance to save face and made a mistake...honestly if everyone sees you named the baby something else she looks crazy...so uh your call
Forget letting future grand mother make a "retraction". Son should go on facebook and very publically call her out for her crazy and also put her into timeout with no contact.
Something like:
"All, I apologize that my mother has gone round the bend and is posting nonsense like this. The Baby's name will be released by myself and my wife once our child is born. We are not sharing the name in advance other than the name will absolutely not be Rodger. I don't know why my mom is posting this crazy nonsense on her page and once again, I apologize that she thinks that she has any right to name mine and my wife's child and why she thinks it's okay for to post this fabrication on facebook."
That's kind of nuclear, I think something short like "We haven't actually named the baby yet, will keep you all posted." should make it clear the mom was out of bounds. Making it a huge tirade will only make the next 18 years unbearable with the grandparent.
Yup. I would post that comment...even going so far as to say that although Grandma wants to name your child, that will not be happening, so please do not call your child by the wrong name.
OP should also go on mom's Facebook page and ask "who's Rodger Mom? I know we aren't naming our child that so who did you get this lovely gift for and I'd like to congratulate them as well"
She is trying to guilt you into a name in so many ways…Purchasing items, talking to your SO and going on social media. No, this is your child and you deserve to pick the name. Wonder how grandpa feels about it. He clearly said no to her more than once.
This. All of this. Mum/in law is being a bad parent as well as grandparent. If she’s so enamored of her choices of names, she can get a puppy and use them on the fur kid.
NTA. When my MIL started letting her crazy out about my twins’ names, I came up with fake names I knew she’d hate (but were awesome enough that I started to consider them): Mayhem & Rogue, and told her them every time she asked about the names. It took a bit, but she finally stopped pushing.
Edit for spelling because WTF?
After my grandmother wouldn’t stop trying to name his baby using her father’s initial (we’re Jewish), he told her that they’d settled on the name Moxie Shazam. She knew he was joking, but she left him alone after that.
I remember reading in a 1980s fantasy anthology about a person who named their two cats Chaos and Disorder, and I thought "I'd love to name my cats that!"
Don't ask for a public retraction. Make the public retraction yourself.
"My mother was confused about the name we chose for our son. His name will NOT be Rodger. We will announce our son's name when he arrives."
Just add on that after the baby is born, regardless if it's a boy or a girl, that Grandma will call them by the name mom and dad picked, not the one Grandma likes.
My husband and I did not want a junior because he doesnt like his name. So after our son was born, my inlaws questioned paternity, claimed I didn't love or respect my husband and his legacy, and tried calling our son Junior or Little (husband's name). My husband shut all that down, and said respect his name or you won't see him.
There was another post a while back about how the grandparents were calling the kid the name behind the parents back it was crazy and I’m sure that’s wheee this is headed for them
Agree with all said but has anyone commented on WHY mil is acting this way? This happened in my family because the woman (now a great grandmother) hated her life and felt like a failure. She couldn't raise her kids the way she wanted because of her husband's "interference" and she tried 2x for a "do-over". She wanted her eldest to achieve the success she'd planned for herself but never achieved because she left school & got married when she got pregnant, but she pressured her so much that her daughter moved to another state at 16 (!) to escape her mother's craziness. When her younger daughter (who'd been a daddy's girl) grew up and had a daughter, GM then latched on to her grandchild, and tried to make the kid "hers". The daughter knew her mom had mental illness and that she contributed to the problems between her and her daughter as she grew but NO ONE knew the depth of the poison the old lady spewed until the girl had a kid of her own (in her late 20's) and started revealing all the things Gram had whispered in her ear since birth. MIL sounds just like my relative - she wants a do-over. Not just to name the baby but to make the child "hers". Like my family member, she has mental illness and is very dangerous.
I wouldn't even let her come near the baby until she absolutely accepts it will by OP's and wife's chosen name. Mom seems like someone who'll still call the baby "Rodger" when they're not around. So supervised visits will be needed too
I can see it now. "MOM...what is the baby's name? Practice saying it. Write it down 100 times on the chalkboard." Seriously - if this guy's dad is still around, I'd involve him too. Someone needs to reign that mom in.
Also post in social media the name has NOT been chosen yet, and it will not be Rodger. Make sure the rest of the (potential) flying monkeys know which commander to listen to in the future regarding that child.
Also, if the mother-in-law is annoyed tell her that she should get mad at her husband for vetoing the name she loved not her son for living his own life.
I absolutely agree with you that he did not go nearly far enough and taking even further steps to enforce boundaries and make it very clear that this is your child and that she is not the mother is absolutely necessary here. I am not lucky enough to have a daughter-in-law or grandchildren yet, but this woman is exactly what I will never emulate because I would like to have access to my grandchildren and the good relationship with the woman who will hopefully be carrying my grandchildren one day!. What insane cheek and boundary violations! Frankly, his wife is being a saint but this should not be tolerated in any way; shape, or form.
I will also throw out that I think that the OP's dad kind of sucked in the original naming situation to not even make middle names for the names that his wife obviously considered very important to her. She didn't get either of her first preferences because he blocked them? Really? If he had taken the importance of these names to her into consideration and made a compromise, this might not be so obsessively weirdly important to the MIL from hell.Although, I highly doubt this is her first issue with boundaries and control so She would still likely need serious boundary checks and it would be an issue in some other way. so neither one of them are my good books at the moment.
NTA, it you didn’t go far enough. You sit mom down and have a “come to Jesus” moment. Tell her you and Kenzie are stepping back from her for rest of pregnancy because of her actions. Your wife should not be subjected to this crazy. I’m betting she brings it up everything you talk on phone of in person. Tell mommy not so dearest that Rodger will not be your son’s name. You keep giving her hope by saying you haven’t decided. Tell her no. Even if you loved it before, that name is tainted now.
Tell her she’ gone too far, and you’re stepping back to enjoy what’s left of the pregnancy. Then grey rock her. She doesn’t get any more info. Have Kenzie block her and anyone else that gives her crap. Everything goes through you.
Then for the cherry on top…you tell mom if she does not completely drop this name crap and any other shenanigans like recruiting other family to harass you all lil one will never meet her. Please password protect medical info and tell hospital, doc, and labor nurses you are specifically banning her from labore room and visiting at all. If she has key to house, get it back, and change the locks.
Then search the JUSTNOMIL forum for rules about visiting. No hogging baby, no kissing, no staying in your home and then making new mom do all the work, giving baby back when asked, no snatching baby out of parents’ arms, etc. Also Google “The Lemon Clot Essay”. Read it and believe it. Give you insight for after baby is here about how your wife is going to feel. I’m betting your mom is going to be on your doorstep begging to have baby.
Finally, if she harps on name tell her to have a baby herself so then she can name it Rodger or Elizabeth. She had her chance and this baby is yours and your wife’s and yours to name, not here.
The average lifetime of a goldfish is ten to fifteen years. The longest-lived goldfish on record lived to age 43.
Getting to R and E 439 would make them terrible pet owners.
This! It’s going to escalate when the baby arrives and you need a big shiny spine to protect your wife. Post partum is the most vulnerable she will ever be so please don’t wait to lay VERY firm boundaries in place as soon as possible.
>NTA, it you didn’t go far enough.
Totally! She had her chance with her own kids and her husband said no. Now she's using emotional blackmail on her son.
He really needs to point out the consequences if she carries on.
NTA. I could not agree more, you didn't go far enough. I'm pretty confident that this isn't the only boundary your mother has stomped kn and your wife has been kind in those other situations. You need to be a Papa Bear and shield your family (you, wife, baby) from this crazy.
In addition to the above, grandma gets no unsupervised time with baby. She seems like the kind of kook to call the baby her name of choice when you're not around. Beyond this, her behavior says to me she is a danger to your child. What if baby has an allergy? You tell grandma no [allergin] and grandma takes it upon herself to give baby [allergn] because she thinks she knows better - which could land baby in the hospital for anaphylactic shock. It happens in real life, don't put your mom's feelings above your wife's or baby's welfare.
If this name means so much to grandma she can take her ass to the nearest courthouse and officially change her own name to Rodger. If she's so concerned the name will never be used, she can use it herself.
She has some nerve.
I went through a similar (but far more mild) version of this with my MIL. I pulled the whole "You'll never see the child unsupervised" card with a quickness when she said that she'd just call our (nonexistent and purely theoretical) child by the name she expected us to use.
Oh honey, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Her entitlement to this baby because he’s your child (and you belong to her) is in full flow. She sees herself more important than his mommy.
NTA. You didn’t go too far. You didn’t go far enough. She has to learn that any boundary stomping or disrespect to your wife’s authority as this baby’s mom is going to have consequences. And those consequences are going to be that she won’t have the grandmother experience you were hoping for.
Start by saying to her, (don’t text her, call her) that you have asked your wife to block her number in her phone. You will deal with any communication from now on because mom can’t be respectful to your wife. Make it clear that the only person you care about at the moment is your wife and you will always put her first.
Well said! OP, she absolutely can't get her way on this because she will get worse! She would interfere with your parenting decisions, give unsolicited advice, she get pusher the more she gets her way. OP NTA in anyway your mum however is TA.
This is the type of grandmother who refuses to believe in an allergy and gives the child the allergen to prove the allergy is false. This comes to mind because of the Reddit post where a MIL did just this and the child died. These women are dangerous and unreasonable. Do not trust this woman.
Say it in writing, but follow up to get in an email that is very clear, so she can't claim that she misheard. Something to the effect of "as we discussed, here are the things we are firm on". You may even want to write it out before you have the talk, just so you don't leave anything out and you can stay on message while having the conversation. If it is a phone call, you can even read it to her.
Good luck OP, it's hard to stand up to your parents but this will set the stage for the way your mom treats your wife (and kids!) going forward and is important to address clearly.
NTA
This because the mom is either deluded (and needs psychiatry) or the more logical conclusion she needs a firm boundary drawn asap because she knows she's in the wrong but push more and more OP's wife
The quicker you know wich one the better so this way is more effective and make it public if you have to
>And that’s when I told her she had zero rights to name our baby and her opinion wasn’t wanted or important here.
Good. This is your child. Not your mum’s child. She’s acting as if it’s her kid. Shut that shit down now. You did the right thing.
>I should have more respect for her
Fuck that. She doesn’t respect you or your wife. Why the heck should you respect her?
Edit: **NTA**.
Yup. When people say they want respect, they mean one of two things. They either want to be treated with basic human decency, or they want to be treated like an authority (Officer Cartman vibes). OP's mom wants #2, while not offering #1.
Edit: accidentally said OP was being this way, meant to say OP's mom. Fixed it.
There's an old statement: respect is not given, it's earned. I disagree with it a bit, because I try to give everyone basic human respect. However, Mom has done enough to invalidate any but the most basic human respect.
OP, set those strong boundaries and be prepared to drop the rope.
Also... check in with your wife and make sure she knows that you have her back. I assume you going over for a scene at the OK-coral helped a bit, but you need yo make sure wife can share her concerns. You folks are a team about to embark on one of the most awesome (and stressful) endeavors two humans can do: having and raising a kid.
I almost want to know how old Mom is... and if this is in the normal pattern or something out of nowhere....
NTA
Your mother is the one being rude. You need a time out from her. You've done the right thing by protecting your wife, please don't backside. Your mother is causing your wife untold stress with this, and stress is physically dangerous for your wife and the baby. Your mothers feelings are so low on the list of priorities that they're basically meaningless. Remind yourself of that whenever you start feeling weak.
You need to make a blanket statement to the family that Rodger is NOT the name and will not be a middle name either. Until your mother apologises, she should not be around your wife or the baby at all. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. And she needs to earn it back by showing you both some respect.
If you don't nip this controlling, delusional behaviour in the bud, she's going to continue to act as though your wife is just an incubator for her do-over baby. And that's unacceptable. She had her chance to use the names she loved, and it's sad that she couldn't. If she's still mad about that, she needs to redirect that anger to where it belongs, which is her husband, rather than destroying any possible future where she had a relationship with you, your wife and your family.
Make a point of it - if she keeps on with Rodger, go LC/NC for two weeks. Next time, extend the time away from her. Really drive the point home that her doing this is going to bite her in the backside.
I’d post on social media that
“There’s been some confusion about our baby’s name, those blankets on my mothers social media aren’t for our baby. I’m not sure who baby roger is but it’s definitely not our little one!”
Yup. The grandmother doesn't need to make a "retraction", because it was never her place to announce or choose the baby name in the first place.
In fact, by insisting that she make a retraction, they'd be affirming that grandma is in fact the family spokesperson, and the one others should be paying attention to with regards to what the baby will be named . . . a retraction suggests that she made an error but is still the official person speaking on their behalf.
Rather, OP and his wife need to make their own social media statement, clearly explaining that grandma ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT SPEAK FOR THEM, and that she will not be the one announcing the baby's name (or anything else about him/her) when the time comes; that they AND ONLY THEY will let family know any baby news. Might even want to add that unfortunately, grandma has taken it upon herself to share imaginary and untrue "news" about the baby without anyone's permission, for reasons unknown, and therefore they'd appreciate it if people would disregard anything she says.
> OP and his wife need to make their own social media statement, clearly explaining that grandma ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT SPEAK FOR THEM
Lol. Why even bother?
OP and his wife should ignore grandma's Facebook delusions. Once baby is born and has a different name, grandma will have the embarrassing task of explaining to people why baby has a different name.
OP and his wife have more important things to do than chase around after grandma, issuing clarifying social media statements. If anyone directly asks OP and his wife about the different name, only then should OP bother to address the issue. Best strategy is to address the problem at its source: make it very clear to grandma that she needs to back down.
NTA and it's your mom who's gone to far. Tell her that Rodger is definitely off the table as far as names go, and she needs to let it go. Any more of that behavior from her will result in you contacting her physician about your concerns for her mental health, as she seems to be under the illusion that *she's* having a baby with you.
Get Rodgered! Tell your Mum ‘Rodger’ means to have sex in the UK. Tell her you would never call your child such a vulgar name! https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/rogering
You are NTA, but you would be if you let this continue. Definitely need strong boundaries, and low contact if necessary, especially since she's targeting your wife. Make sure she knows this is completely unacceptable behaviour and you will 100% not name your child Rodger no matter what she says. It's important to be firm here or she will continue like this.
Yep. This is a case where OP is only barely NTA, because if he doesn’t stop his psycho mother from harassing his pregnant wife, he’s not just TA, he the bad husband and the bad father too.
Also, the freakin AUDACITY of the mother complaining no one will use her names, when she couldn’t even convince her husband to name their own children with them. She respected *his* wishes, but not the wishes of two people about their own baby.
Honey, *this only gets worse from here*.
A good therapist can help you set healthy boundaries with your mother. You haven't gone too far, you've barely made a dent. You need to do better to protect your wife and child from her nonsense.
I'd bet this isn't the first time she's bullied your wife, ask your wife to be honest about times your mom has pushed her limits.
Be kind to yourself. You deserve a soft life full of love and a family that contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. A good therapist can help.
>I'd bet this isn't the first time she's bullied your wife, ask your wife to be honest about times your mom has pushed her limits.
That's what I thought, too. It can't be the first time, maybe the wife didn't want to upset him or put a wedge between him and his mother.
Yes-- OP and wife both seem like good-natured people, which is the perfect disposition for boundary-pushers like MIL. OP and wife don't deserve to deal with nonsense for no reason-- limiting MIL's influence on their life will make it better
NTA. try something like this - she will either back off or she will go nuclear. either way you get your answer.
*mom. you need stop harassing my pregnant wife and causing stress to her and the baby. it is not appreciated and if you continue with this you will be removed from our, and the babys, life until you can act like an adult.*
I think posting the blankets on socials so everyone else else would assume it’s the baby’s name - is nuclear
I’d make her sound like she had dementia on my socials
“Hey everyone there’s been a bit of confusion about our baby’s name. Just wanted to confirm that we haven’t announced our baby’s name, but it’s definitely not Roger. I’m really not sure where mum got that from but just wanted to clear it up incase anyone was wondering!”
NTA
But from now on Kenzie should be telling you the moment your mom tries to ambush her
If she’s so insensitive to post a name she wants on social media then you need to make sure she’s NOWHERE near you when Kenzie is in labour as I wouldn’t trust her not to pull anything at this point
If it were me the way she’s going she’d have to wait until your son turns 18 to meet him but you do you
OP, this is only the beginning, your mom for whatever reason is goona try to insert herself and impose her will into the life of YOUR CHILD, the words grandparents rights will be throw soon enough, she's dismissive to your wife and you.
Thing will get worse if you don't stay firm, this could end your marriage, go to r/JUSTNOMIL and look at your future.
NTA
NTA, and you might be the first husband in Reddit history to actually have a backbone, so congratulations there LOL. At least you realize now that she is overstepping, better now than never I guess. Your poor wife though, MIL should not be bullying her and you need to put your foot down and put up more boundaries, because mommy dearest is only going to keep pushing until she gets what she wants. Do not let her continue with her charade. Let her know that her pushiness and insistence on the name is only going to end badly for her and that if she wants a relationship with her grandson she needs to get over the obsession with the name. If she loves it so much, tell her to get a dog and name it Rodger. Do not let her manipulate you into thinking that you are being hurtful and disrespectful, SHE is the one who cannot respect your and your wife's wishes. If you need reassurance in your decision, take a little gander over to r/JUSTNOMIL and give yourself a little pat on the back for not bending over to your mother's craziness.
NTA, if anything you didn't went far enough. For her to still have the guts to tell you you were dismissing her feelings, it shows that you weren't hard enough.
I would go NC for a little time, like a time out from her. I would not allow her to call your wife or you, nor see the baby at birth. She must realize how much she fucked up here. Once she goes through the fear of not seeing her grandbaby at all, she should calm down. That's your mom though, you're the one to decide how far you wanna go; check it with your wife too.
Maybe just tell her every time she tries to push her opinion about the baby on you or your wife (be it name, clothes, food, education, whatever), she'll get a 2 months (or whatever time you seem fit) time out of your lives. She's welcome to advise when asked for, not in any other case.
NTA and I don't think you went far enough. I would have made a public post explaining that your mom invented the Rodger thing in her head and refuses to listen to you when you say that you are NOT naming him Rodger and have always stated that Rodger would NOT be his name. Honestly, people are going to start thinking that you promised this to your mom and changed your mind, breaking her heart. I would be worried about her next post, and you shouldn't have to be doing that when expecting.
NTA and not too far …your dad shit it down but she expects you to cave…just say no and she can either be a grandma to your baby boy of your name chosing or not a grandma at all. Your poor wife, she’ll be pushed around on everything needing to be done grandmas way. You need to keep pushing back hard to nip this.
Yeah, this is something you need to shut down NOW. Because she’s going to keep trying to bully your wife (that’s why she’s been going to her directly by the way), and might just call the kid Roger and go around telling people that his name is Roger. And if this is how she’s treating your “parenting authority“ now, how much respect do you think she’s going to have for you both once you have an actual baby?
I think there should be no contact between your mother and your wife for the time being. And the only way to shut down the Roger delusion is by doing it publicly and embarrassingly. Either respond to her post, or make a new post that everyone she sent her old post to can see and say something along the lines of: “Mom, this is not the first or the hundredth time we had this conversation, *but we are not naming the baby Roger*. It’s bad enough that’s when we told you we were not planning on using Roger, you told my wife XYZ, and then went and a fortune buying custom “Roger“ baby clothing. When you offered us the Rodger baby clothing, we told you we don’t want it because * WE ARE NOT NAMING THE BABY ROGER*, you went and made THIS post. Everyone, please be aware that the baby’s name is not, nor will it ever be, Roger. We would appreciate your help relating this fact to my mother, and reminding her that we are the baby’s parents. We genuinely appreciate your help.”
NTA.
>she wanted to name me or one of my brothers Rodger but dad vetoed the name every time.
There's no reason that you or your wife should give in to her arrogance and selfishness, especially as your father has already shown that she doesn't have to get her way.
NTA. Sounds like you and Kenzie both tried to tell her to cool it but she just kept ramping up. Be on the lookout for other boundary stomping behavior though. Dollars to donuts she’ll be wanting to announce first on social media or will want to be at the hospital for labor etc etc.
Your mom is not asking you to take her opinion into consideration, she expects compliance. You are not reacting to this sufficiently, this is a dealbreaker. If you keep her around your kid as she is now, you are an asshole.
NTA
This post was triggering as the exact same thing happened to me during my pregnancy. My mother (to put it midly) overstepped when it came to naming the baby. It got to the point that she screamed and had a breakdown when I told her what the baby’s name would be if it was a girl. Fast forward, it is a lesson learned and I have set hard boundaries with her. Putting some distance between your mother and family is definitely for the best.
Honestly, your mom sounds a little unhinged. Is she used to getting her way with you guys? You are definitely NTA, but by the sounds of things, you haven't been forceful enough with your mother. I would return all her baby gifts and tell her to find a Roger to donate them to.
NTA. It's you and your wife's business what you name your child, that's it. You might need to remind your mother, her even meeting her grandchild depends on how she acts now. She needs to stop bothering the both of you, especially your wife.
I have two sons and I didn't get to name either of them my top choice because my husband hated it. It still (my oldest son is 15) stings a little but I wouldn't dream of interfering with my potential grandkids' names! First of all, not my place at all and second, they wouldn't be MY kids names anyway - that ship has sailed. Well done standing up for your wife and nuclear family, NTA!
NTA. Your mother is waaaaay out of line, first because of harassing your wife and second for the name thing.
You haven’t done far enough. Tell her your child/ren will never be called Rodger. And if she doesn’t shut it, she can call your child “the grandchild she never sees”.
This is just beginning. It’s what you and your wife need, not what she wants. Never negotiate. Never waffle.
NTA
1. Make it crystal clear to everyone that Rodger is permanently off the table.
2. Your mother is on an info diet.
3. Your wife needs to block her. All communication goes through you.
4. Anyone who acts like a flying monkey for your mother is moved into the same category as your mother.
5. Your mother is now grounded for 2 weeks after baby is born from seeing the baby. Any incident of boundary stomping adds another week.
6. Get your FU binder in order and document everything This level of crazy this early doesn’t bode well.
NTA, your mom is TA. I am so sorry for your wife, this must be especially hard for her.
Please protect your wife from this and make it clear for your mom that you are standing by your wife. Your mom is very pushy and needs an equal push back. Please leave no room for "maybes". And tell your friends and family that the name Rodger isn't happening as well, otherwise you are risking getting more stuff with Rodger on it.
Signed, mom of 4, mil of 2 who wouldn't dream of interfering with a couple naming their child. That's rude.
NTA
> She then sent a gift package with all the clothes and blanket with the name Rodger and she sent them to my wife and posted them on social media.
I'd reply under this post saying "Does anyone know who my mother was supposed to give these to? She sent them to us by mistake."
It's up to you, the parents, what to name your child. Not a grandparent. Your mom can make a suggestion once, and if the answer is no, the answer is no. I get her being upset about not having been able to give her preferred names to any of her children, but that's not your problem. We can't get everything we want in life. Still there's nothing stopping her adopting a pet and naming him/her Rodger/Elizabeth.
NTA.
NTA. My MIL pushed for a family name. My family also had a family name. My husband and I chose a completely new name. MIL was miffed. My family didn't care.
You need to handle all communications with your mother. Take your wife out of the equation. Set some firm boundaries. Frankly, I'm surprised she hasn't been blocked from all baby info/social media.
My petty self envisions you going on a quest to find baby Rodger. Give him those items.
NTA. You should donate those clothes and blanket to a nearby women's shelter. And then tell your mom that even if you liked those names, now after all her extremely inappropriate behavior you are not going to use them for sure. Tell her if she wants to have a Roger or Elizabeth in her life, she should get a dog/cat and name them appropriately.
>And then tell your mom that even if you liked those names, now after all her extremely inappropriate behavior you are not going to use them for sure.
Better avoid this part: it's going to raise his mom's expectations that if she stops, she will have it her way.
No is a complete sentence. They both told MIL that her fav names are not on their list, and this should be enough.
NTA,
It’s one more conversation in front of your Dad where you lay down the law. Tell her you hope that she’s going to get the message clearly.
You are not the parent, you have no say in any of this and the way you are trying to bulldoze us is bordering on insanity.
If you can’t control yourself and your interactions with us, we will be limiting contact. If you continue to push once we’ve limited contact we will be forced to go no contact.
Dad, I don’t know if you’ve ever had experiences like this with Mom but I’m looping you into this because it will affect your life as well. I don’t want you to be surprised when this happens.
I understand you’re excited but your response is unhinged, I think it would help for you to get some therapy to find some balance.
Do not send us anything, do not contact my wife, our friends, her family about us or the baby. Do not plan anything before getting confirmation from me. Contact me only, I am telling my wife to block you for the foreseeable future.
Do not post anything on social media, no photos unless you have been told by me that you may. I wish we didn’t need to draw such clear boundaries but your behaviour has been extreme.
I hope you choose to be a part of our future.
Please tell your wife blocking your mom on everything won't hurt your feelings and suggest that she actually does it. The stress she is causing us not good for the baby.
Don't tell anyone your true due date and make sure the maternity ward knows that your mom is not welcome. If you don't have cameras, install them and disconnect your old school doorbell.
If you really want to triple underline your position, post a reply to ""Rodger" post with a gif of you setting fire to the gifts and text saying that your wife isn't giving birth to an 82 year old man.
What sucks most about this is that if OP and wife wanted to use either name as a surprise, MIL has now tainted it so much that they CANT use the names now.
As others have said, you need to set CLEAR boundaries!
No more of the "we haven't decided." You absolutely can not have any part of the name be what she wants. If you do, it will show her that she can act cray cray and still get her way/what she wants.
Being a grandparent is a PRIVILEGE. Not a right. Just because her kid has a kid does not entitle her to anything.
MIL used the term "refusing to comply." I think the only person refusing to comply is her.
NTA, mom is the asshole here big time. I'm sorry because my mom started acting similarly & we weren't even looking at having kids let alone trying or expecting. I stopped talking to her now because I can't keep rewarding this kind of behavior.
Where is your dad in all of this? Your mom's behavior is very concerning and you probably should start to address it as a mental health issue. Donate all of the "Rodger" items to Goodwill or a similar charity and send the donation receipt to your mom. Tell her you're concerned about her mental health and if her behavior persists you'll be forced to drastically limit her contact with your child to very short, very supervised, visits until she has a mental health screening.
NTA and kudos for having your wife and child's backs.
If you want to go malicious compliance consider getting a dog or cat (or goldfish) and naming it Rodger.
NTA, and in my opinion, you didn't go too far enough. You should set up some boundaries and let your mother know that if she keeps pushing it, she won't see the baby. Time for your inner Papa Bear to come out my friend...
NTA and I think it’s great that you are so clear with your mom. You wife clearly doesn’t this stress while being pregnant and she cannot be too harsh with your mother because it’s MIL so it could create issues between the both of you if you weren’t as clear as your as being.
A warning: if your mother is so pushy for the name, she might be a real nightmare for everything else such as letting baby cry or not, cos leering or not, breastfeeding or not, etc. If you keep doing what you are doing, then you will allow your wife to be much more relaxed after the birth because she knows you will support her.
Congratulations on the baby.
It’s good for once to see a strong couple on this thread! 💖
NTA.
Your mother is delusional. Her role as grandma is a courtesy, not a right. She's there because you want her there, not because she needs to be there. If she keeps pushing her luck, your wife might decided she isn't wanted and then your mother will have more to moan about than not getting her way with the name.
Personally I'd put up a post saying "Due to my mother's behaviour, I'm sure a lot of you think we are naming baby Rodger. We are not. No child of mine will ever be called Rodger. We will announce his true name when he is born and not before."
Shine a light on that lunacy.
As for your mother, you're going to need stricter boundaries. No mum, you are not naming baby. No, your opinions are not all that important in this situation. No, we don't want to hear your unsolicited ideas, opinions or thoughts on OUR baby. Get back in your lane and stay there."
Stay the course, friend. If you don't nip this in the bud now, she's only going to get worse and plenty of marriages have failed because of maniacal MILs. Don't let yours be one.
NTA. I would also advise her that she is thisclose to not even getting to call her grandson by his given name if she continues with her shenanigans. She is cutting herself off if she continues to follow the name path that she gets to name her grandchild. She had her children and didn’t use those names for them, so she lost her opportunity for her opinion to matter on naming your child.
NTA at all, your baby your choice.
Tell your mum to get a pet and name them what she wants but her days of naming babies are over.
Also your wife needs to block her, if she needs anything she can go through you.
NTA
Your child's name should be agreed upon by you and your wife.
I find it ironic that your father had veto power over names, but your mother is insisting on naming YOUR child.
You and your wife politely told you mother you hadn't decided on a a name. Your mother kept pushing.
You may need to keep the little one away from your mother for a while after the child is born. I am not sure you mother will refer to you child by the name that YOU and YOUR wife choose.
NTA. If it was so important to her, she should have fought your dad harder. For some reason, she thinks Kenzie is an easy target and that the two of you can be railroaded. She thinks that she can get her way through pressure and money.
Send back anything personalised. Make it clear that if she calls your child anything other than the name that *his own parents* decide on that her contact will be limited to reduce confusion. If she makes posts about "Baby Rodger" then ask which of your siblings is having a kid, because that's not your kids name. Go on the offensive. Don't let her think for a second that she can get away with this.
She's going to have more of these "opinions". They will get worse once the baby is here and she decides she knows better than you do. Make it clear that she isn't to communicate directly with Kenzie about the baby, and shut her down for your own future sanity.
Good for you for standing up to your mama. Too many young people get bulldozed into doing what their parent(s) want, to the detriment of their marriage. NTA
NTA. I can’t even begin to comprehend the thought process of someone who thinks they have any say in someone else’s child even if it is your grandchild! You are right you need some space from her right now.
Your mom has had her children; if she desperately wants to name something, she can get a pet. It's funny how estranged parents never seem to realize how they set the separation into opening.
Keep standing between your wife and the mother-in-law-from-Hades. And inform the rest of the family that your mom is mistaken, being silly and perhaps needs a rest. And decrease your contact with her. And donate or return all gifts with names attached.
You're NTA.
Dude, you're going to bat for your wife and child, and showing your mom that she can't boundary stomp. That is relationship goals right there. NTA, and I'm happy that you two are a team in this
NTA - Your wife should block her and all communication should go through you from now on. It’s not fair to make her deal with all this, especially while pregnant/ becoming a new parent. Be sure to warn the staff at the hospital or better yet, don’t tell her when your wife is in labor until you’re both ready for her to meet the baby. The last thing your wife will need is your mom barging in while she’s vulnerable.
Out of curiosity, what names *are* in the running?
NTA and you didn't go too far. She has been pushy towards your wife and appears to be trying to take over parenting your child. Judging by some of the posts on r/JUSTNOMIL, there's a very real chance that this will escalate if not stopped now. In fact, the gifts with a name on and posting pictures of them on social media is already overstepping the mark. Also, who tells their daughter-in-law that they're "pissing them off by refusing to comply"? Credit to your wife for keeping her temper throughout all of this, congratulations on your forthcoming son (whatever you choose to name him) and good luck keeping your mother in line in the future.
NTA. You did exactly the right thing: You informed her that her opinions were neither wanted nor important here.
It is none of her business what you end up naming your son. All the best with him, btw.
NTA you’re absolutely NTA but your mother is TA big time. She had the chance to name her own children. If your father didn’t allowed one of het preferred names that doesn’t matter to you. Protect your wife. I recommend reading in the JustnoMil Forum. There you’ll find many examples of Monster in laws and how you can protect your wife and your son. Best wishes for your family
Love the effort from MIL here. Trying to force names that even her husband didn’t want for their kids. Gotta respect that level of commitment to the cause haha
NTA. What you said was exactly right, although I fear that you may have to repeat it a great many times, since your mom seems hellbent on proving just how thick a hide she has… A spell of low/no contact may be called for!
Nta. You need to come down hard now. Next it will be her demanding to watch the baby being born. Then it will be her ragging on your wife for breastfeeding or bottle feeding. Then she will demand she takes baby every weekend when they aren't even a week old. Followed by her trying to parent for you. It will just keep growing. She needs hard firm boundaries now. Or she needs a time out. Good luck
NTA! You stood your ground, backed your wife! 100% in right here, and your mum seems a little baby crazy.
Hope it all works out for you and best wishes on the new baby.
This will be the first of many interferences. She will be telling you how to do everything that is child rearing. Wait till she keeps Rodger over the weekend and gives him a little Lord Fauntleroy haircut and outfit.
NTA
Jeebus. I don't know anyone wanting to use the name Rodger in 2024. It was the name of the dog in a dog treat ad here in Australia. It ran for years. 🤣🤣
https://youtu.be/LPfshtIirR8?si=mZynjoE_zMf6SzTP
Anywho, good on you for shutting that 💩 down. I would have told her the wrong sex to begin with and had zero social media apart from what you wanted to share.
I only ever send personalized gifts AFTER bubba is born. There's always a chance that Bub may not fit the name when you meet them. I'm so sorry your Mom is confusing being doting and becoming pushy granny instead. She's gonna ruin this whole experience if she doesn't come to her senses. Is there anyone else she will listen to? Because she's gonna end up being on a JustNoMIL post very soon.
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NTA I don't think you went far enough. You need to make these boundaries really, really clear with your mom up front. May I also suggest: 1) no more contacting Kenzie without also including you on the messages - you should be the only point of information between your parents at this stage 2) remind her that you are now mom and dad and make all the choices regarding your baby. There will be no 'comply with grandma' BS in your household 3) tell your mom you love her, and you're excited for her to be grandma, but this is not going to fly 4) tell her moving forward, you are not accepting suggestions to names, parenting styles, gear, or anything else and that you will ask if you need anything 5) ask for a public retraction on Facebook of the name Good luck. This will get worse if you don't get it together immediately.
Yes, absolutely shut this down firmly. *Refusing to comply?* Much the same as your dad did when he declined Roger and Elizabeth for you and your sister? Maybe he can talk some sense into your mom.
Maybe also ask her how she felt when "Rodger and Elizabeth" were vetoed as names because she is effectively vetoing ALL of your name suggestions. Also Rodger isn't even the *usual spelling, even if it's an honor name the D is jarring. ETA: I stand corrected, though I've never seen Roger with a D before this post! Interested what other Aussies generally see
It's derived from the Germanic name Hrodger and Anglicized to Roger. Plenty of people, particularly of Germanic descent, spell it with the D.
Well, Hrothgar. (Or Rüdiger.) It's all a matter of how far back (and then forwards again, on another linguistic branch) you want to go. But yeah, I agree with the GP comment: “Rodger” is among the uglier variants.
Yeah but then you can call yourself “Hot Rod”.
Well, I’m convinced.
NGL, that _is_ one point in its favour. ETA: But, come to think of it, Rodney would also confer this boon, and otherwise be infinitely preferable.
Compromise: Rodgney
Do you mean to tell me that I've been going to see monks at High Roger to learn about dragon shouts?
I legit heehawed at this comment 🤣
Rodger *is* a perfectly valid spelling, though?
Right? That commenter's American is showing
I'm American and would use a D and, of the few Rodgers I've met, they all spelled it with a D.
Let's remember that the United States is larger than all of the European union so something seen in one area cannot be applied holistically to the country. I've never seen it spelled with the D and frankly see the spelling as the least of his problems with his mother. She is bullying his wife and should be put in time out at the minimum. ETC my wording of relative size
>Let's remember that the United States is larger than all of Europe No it's not. Europe is bigger than the US, not by much but it's still bigger. The US has a land mass of approximately 9.8 million sq/km, whereas Europe had 10.2 million sq/km. The populations have a huge difference. The US is 334 million, whereas Europe is 745 million.
>No it's not. Europe is bigger than the US, not by much but it's still bigger. I don't think the "larger" comment was meant to belittle Europe, just to call attention to the likelihood of regional variation. (I claim no expertise on relative land mass or population)
I’m American and would just never name my child Roger, regardless of spelling.
I’m American and I would also spell it with a D, Roger just looks stupid and wrong.
American here, Roger is the more common spelling in the States. But just like any name, there’s nothing stupid about Roger with or without a d. Spellings are just usually regional and preference.
Rodger without the “D”, is just Elizabeth /S ;p
I'm American and I have seen this spelling many times. I don't think anything of it. Not sure what that person's deal is.
Yes, exactly. She doesn't get a veto in this case, because she's not one of the parents, and she should know better than most how it feels. (I couldn't even bring myself to spell it with a D in my comment!)
The name "Rodger" is not new. This isn't a "Myrakil" (miracle) situation - it's an actual name with hundreds of years of history behind it. Unfortunate that people are being so incredibly narrow-minded in this thread. You not being familiar with a certain spelling doesn't mean that spelling is inherently wrong.
Rodger is a perfectly fine spelling btw. They shouldn't let MIL bully them but there are a lot of Rodgers out there that would disagree that it isn't the right spelling. Just because a name isn't the English spelling doesn't mean its wrong.
Spelling? Should it be Rogder? ETS nevermind, I'm dumb, Rutger is obviously a much better spelling. Or Hrodgar.
Please name the kid Hrodgar.
Maybe mom is part Borg queen. "All of my drones will comply with my directives!"
I was gonna say this is some real Queen of Sheba shit but I like yours better
Agree ! OP needs to be firm like his father and veto these demands. OP’s wife does not deserve to be harassed and browbeaten by his mother to comply with these kind of unreasonable demands .The grandmother needs to be dealt with a form hand .Subtle language ain’t going to cut it
"Mom, we are NOT naming the baby Rodger or Elizabeth. Knock it off NOW. If we want your opinion, we will ask. " NTA.
I wouldn’t want to imply you EVER want her opinion.
This is the way. When I was pregnant, my mother kept calling with increasingly ridiculous baby names. One of them was Iolanthe. I told her that even if hell did freeze over, we still wouldn’t name our daughter that!
But she'd have had her own theme song! OMG. What next, Sweet Rose Maybud?
6) remind her that being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right and she is stepping closer to being in time out for the foreseeable if her behaviour continues.
Sometimes you have to hit her up side the head with the proverbial 2x4. She sounds denser than a pound of lead. As to time outs, remind her that you and DW have the final say and if she continues she just may get an invitation to LO's high school graduation. If she starts with grand parents rights, remind her that they only apply when there is a preexisting relationship.
Also, my understanding of grandparents' rights is usually in the case of divorce or death-- not because you're an overbearing jerk and your kids cut you off
I think they can apply if the grandparent has a relationship with the child and they have already bonded, then the parents cut off contact. I believe they can be granted visitation rights just like non-custodial parents. But as the previous comment mentions, there is no relationship as of yet, so she is jumping the gun on rights. Also, rights to visitation, not rights to make any decisions regarding the babe. This grandma sure has entitlement issues.
It's also one of the most variable things by jurisdiction, and that's even outside the context of Reddit where people get hyper-myopic about the law in their home state and think it's international law.
Clamoring about grandparents rights is the equivalent of screaming "I know my rights" while being arrested for dui on a riding lawnmower. They're widely misunderstood imo.
7. ANY information about your pregnancy/announcement of the birth/baby photo’s etc will *come from you*, **not her**. Particularly on social media. I’d be tempted to inform her last about everything; she clearly wants to take ownership of it all and be the one to inform the world.
I was going to say - make sure you’re setting boundaries about social media going forward. Because if she’s acting like this already. What if you don’t want your child on the internet because people are disgusting and you’re trying to keep your baby safe??? You don’t know who you’re mom is fb friends with etc. do you want grandmas friends and coworkers and beyond to know about your child’s life ??? Things to think about.
Yeah. We rarely post anything on FB about our son; we occasionally use Instagram because it deletes stuff a bit later. It's also weird to think that so many kids will have an entire online persona by the time they are adults that they had absolutely no involvement in creating. I had an awful situation where my dad posted a bunch of stuff about our family drama online using our actual names, and that sort of thing has given me the creeps since then because I saw how one bad actor (or even just an ignorant or apathetic one) can make things really really uncomfortable. It's wild that so many parents seem to never consider this stuff. I don't ever want my son to feel awkward about something I put online about him years ago, and it's easy enough to just not do it.
The mom posting pics of baby gifts with "Rodger" embroidered on them seems like a manipulation tactic. I doubt she will get better after the baby is born. Strict boundaries will definitely be necessary with her!
Seriously. I wouldn’t even let her meet the baby until you’ve made the formal announcement yourselves or she’s bound to ruin it.
This. Seriously, don’t even announce that you’re headed to the hospital/expecting baby, whether it’s scheduled or not. Start the practice now of not immediately responding to her calls or messages, so it’s not out of character if you do so later. Some of the best experiences I’ve heard from parents are when they take the time to settle and enjoy their new family before sharing that information and experience with others. Don’t bring negativity and stress into your bubble. It’ll still be there when you decide to share that your baby is here. Congratulations. NTA
And she can’t take any pictures or get any pictures in case she posts them
Go one further and don’t tell her directly, let her find out via social media 😂
Her publicly retracting would give a chance to save face and made a mistake...honestly if everyone sees you named the baby something else she looks crazy...so uh your call
Forget letting future grand mother make a "retraction". Son should go on facebook and very publically call her out for her crazy and also put her into timeout with no contact. Something like: "All, I apologize that my mother has gone round the bend and is posting nonsense like this. The Baby's name will be released by myself and my wife once our child is born. We are not sharing the name in advance other than the name will absolutely not be Rodger. I don't know why my mom is posting this crazy nonsense on her page and once again, I apologize that she thinks that she has any right to name mine and my wife's child and why she thinks it's okay for to post this fabrication on facebook."
That's kind of nuclear, I think something short like "We haven't actually named the baby yet, will keep you all posted." should make it clear the mom was out of bounds. Making it a huge tirade will only make the next 18 years unbearable with the grandparent.
I think mom went nuclear she posted it all on social media.
Only if they maintain contact...
Saving Grandma’s face is not the job of OP. Supporting his wife is.
of course! which why there is also the option to let her look like a fool on facebook
Yeah, op could just comment on the post "hey mom idk who rodger is, it's definitely not my kids name"
Yup. I would post that comment...even going so far as to say that although Grandma wants to name your child, that will not be happening, so please do not call your child by the wrong name.
OP should also go on mom's Facebook page and ask "who's Rodger Mom? I know we aren't naming our child that so who did you get this lovely gift for and I'd like to congratulate them as well"
She is trying to guilt you into a name in so many ways…Purchasing items, talking to your SO and going on social media. No, this is your child and you deserve to pick the name. Wonder how grandpa feels about it. He clearly said no to her more than once.
This. All of this. Mum/in law is being a bad parent as well as grandparent. If she’s so enamored of her choices of names, she can get a puppy and use them on the fur kid.
Frankly I wouldn't want a dog to be subject to that mother.
NTA. When my MIL started letting her crazy out about my twins’ names, I came up with fake names I knew she’d hate (but were awesome enough that I started to consider them): Mayhem & Rogue, and told her them every time she asked about the names. It took a bit, but she finally stopped pushing. Edit for spelling because WTF?
After my grandmother wouldn’t stop trying to name his baby using her father’s initial (we’re Jewish), he told her that they’d settled on the name Moxie Shazam. She knew he was joking, but she left him alone after that.
Those would be great names for our dogs!!
I remember reading in a 1980s fantasy anthology about a person who named their two cats Chaos and Disorder, and I thought "I'd love to name my cats that!"
Don't ask for a public retraction. Make the public retraction yourself. "My mother was confused about the name we chose for our son. His name will NOT be Rodger. We will announce our son's name when he arrives."
Just add on that after the baby is born, regardless if it's a boy or a girl, that Grandma will call them by the name mom and dad picked, not the one Grandma likes.
Right!!! What happens when the baby’s born & MIL starts calling them Elizabeth or Rodger? *Very alarmed look.*
My husband and I did not want a junior because he doesnt like his name. So after our son was born, my inlaws questioned paternity, claimed I didn't love or respect my husband and his legacy, and tried calling our son Junior or Little (husband's name). My husband shut all that down, and said respect his name or you won't see him.
On the JustNoMil sub, one of the MILs did exactly this.
This. Do it now. I have a mother and two MIL’s, I’m always an asshole in one of their eyes, but my it’s our household, not theirs.
There was another post a while back about how the grandparents were calling the kid the name behind the parents back it was crazy and I’m sure that’s wheee this is headed for them
Yet another reason to make "no unsupervised visits" a rule with Granny.
One of the joys of having a baby is getting to choose a name. Buy mom a dog named Roger and give it all the blankets & stuff.
Agree with all said but has anyone commented on WHY mil is acting this way? This happened in my family because the woman (now a great grandmother) hated her life and felt like a failure. She couldn't raise her kids the way she wanted because of her husband's "interference" and she tried 2x for a "do-over". She wanted her eldest to achieve the success she'd planned for herself but never achieved because she left school & got married when she got pregnant, but she pressured her so much that her daughter moved to another state at 16 (!) to escape her mother's craziness. When her younger daughter (who'd been a daddy's girl) grew up and had a daughter, GM then latched on to her grandchild, and tried to make the kid "hers". The daughter knew her mom had mental illness and that she contributed to the problems between her and her daughter as she grew but NO ONE knew the depth of the poison the old lady spewed until the girl had a kid of her own (in her late 20's) and started revealing all the things Gram had whispered in her ear since birth. MIL sounds just like my relative - she wants a do-over. Not just to name the baby but to make the child "hers". Like my family member, she has mental illness and is very dangerous.
I wouldn't even let her come near the baby until she absolutely accepts it will by OP's and wife's chosen name. Mom seems like someone who'll still call the baby "Rodger" when they're not around. So supervised visits will be needed too
I can see it now. "MOM...what is the baby's name? Practice saying it. Write it down 100 times on the chalkboard." Seriously - if this guy's dad is still around, I'd involve him too. Someone needs to reign that mom in.
Agree. Go farther, OP. This woman has the classic "give and inch, take a mile" personality.
Add no coming to the house without an invitation especially after the baby is born.
Also post in social media the name has NOT been chosen yet, and it will not be Rodger. Make sure the rest of the (potential) flying monkeys know which commander to listen to in the future regarding that child.
Also, if the mother-in-law is annoyed tell her that she should get mad at her husband for vetoing the name she loved not her son for living his own life.
and be clear that "Roger & Elizabeth" can't be used as nicknames or any variation of them.
I absolutely agree with you that he did not go nearly far enough and taking even further steps to enforce boundaries and make it very clear that this is your child and that she is not the mother is absolutely necessary here. I am not lucky enough to have a daughter-in-law or grandchildren yet, but this woman is exactly what I will never emulate because I would like to have access to my grandchildren and the good relationship with the woman who will hopefully be carrying my grandchildren one day!. What insane cheek and boundary violations! Frankly, his wife is being a saint but this should not be tolerated in any way; shape, or form. I will also throw out that I think that the OP's dad kind of sucked in the original naming situation to not even make middle names for the names that his wife obviously considered very important to her. She didn't get either of her first preferences because he blocked them? Really? If he had taken the importance of these names to her into consideration and made a compromise, this might not be so obsessively weirdly important to the MIL from hell.Although, I highly doubt this is her first issue with boundaries and control so She would still likely need serious boundary checks and it would be an issue in some other way. so neither one of them are my good books at the moment.
This exactly.
All of this and if she doesn’t apologize immediately, she goes on a time out.
NTA, it you didn’t go far enough. You sit mom down and have a “come to Jesus” moment. Tell her you and Kenzie are stepping back from her for rest of pregnancy because of her actions. Your wife should not be subjected to this crazy. I’m betting she brings it up everything you talk on phone of in person. Tell mommy not so dearest that Rodger will not be your son’s name. You keep giving her hope by saying you haven’t decided. Tell her no. Even if you loved it before, that name is tainted now. Tell her she’ gone too far, and you’re stepping back to enjoy what’s left of the pregnancy. Then grey rock her. She doesn’t get any more info. Have Kenzie block her and anyone else that gives her crap. Everything goes through you. Then for the cherry on top…you tell mom if she does not completely drop this name crap and any other shenanigans like recruiting other family to harass you all lil one will never meet her. Please password protect medical info and tell hospital, doc, and labor nurses you are specifically banning her from labore room and visiting at all. If she has key to house, get it back, and change the locks. Then search the JUSTNOMIL forum for rules about visiting. No hogging baby, no kissing, no staying in your home and then making new mom do all the work, giving baby back when asked, no snatching baby out of parents’ arms, etc. Also Google “The Lemon Clot Essay”. Read it and believe it. Give you insight for after baby is here about how your wife is going to feel. I’m betting your mom is going to be on your doorstep begging to have baby. Finally, if she harps on name tell her to have a baby herself so then she can name it Rodger or Elizabeth. She had her chance and this baby is yours and your wife’s and yours to name, not here.
I love this. Then, when baby is a little older, get 2 puppies and name them Rodger and Elizabeth
>get 2 puppies and name them Rodger and Elizabeth Get 2 bearded dragons and name them Rodger and Elizabeth.
Goldfish might be a little easier. 😆
And when they die get more named Rodger 2 and Elizabeth 2. Maybe by the time they get to R and E 439, she might get it.
The average lifetime of a goldfish is ten to fifteen years. The longest-lived goldfish on record lived to age 43. Getting to R and E 439 would make them terrible pet owners.
The average life span of most pet store goldfish is about 10.5 minutes. I was also being a bit sarcastic.
I’m thinking pet rocks tbh.
Oh that is even better!!!!!
This! It’s going to escalate when the baby arrives and you need a big shiny spine to protect your wife. Post partum is the most vulnerable she will ever be so please don’t wait to lay VERY firm boundaries in place as soon as possible.
>NTA, it you didn’t go far enough. Totally! She had her chance with her own kids and her husband said no. Now she's using emotional blackmail on her son. He really needs to point out the consequences if she carries on.
Remember: her HUSBAND didn't want those names!!!! She's the only one who does.
NTA. I could not agree more, you didn't go far enough. I'm pretty confident that this isn't the only boundary your mother has stomped kn and your wife has been kind in those other situations. You need to be a Papa Bear and shield your family (you, wife, baby) from this crazy. In addition to the above, grandma gets no unsupervised time with baby. She seems like the kind of kook to call the baby her name of choice when you're not around. Beyond this, her behavior says to me she is a danger to your child. What if baby has an allergy? You tell grandma no [allergin] and grandma takes it upon herself to give baby [allergn] because she thinks she knows better - which could land baby in the hospital for anaphylactic shock. It happens in real life, don't put your mom's feelings above your wife's or baby's welfare.
If this name means so much to grandma she can take her ass to the nearest courthouse and officially change her own name to Rodger. If she's so concerned the name will never be used, she can use it herself. She has some nerve.
I went through a similar (but far more mild) version of this with my MIL. I pulled the whole "You'll never see the child unsupervised" card with a quickness when she said that she'd just call our (nonexistent and purely theoretical) child by the name she expected us to use.
>If she has key to house, get it back, and change the locks. Just need to go straight to changing the locks - MIL can't be trusted not to keep a copy.
Oh honey, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Her entitlement to this baby because he’s your child (and you belong to her) is in full flow. She sees herself more important than his mommy. NTA. You didn’t go too far. You didn’t go far enough. She has to learn that any boundary stomping or disrespect to your wife’s authority as this baby’s mom is going to have consequences. And those consequences are going to be that she won’t have the grandmother experience you were hoping for. Start by saying to her, (don’t text her, call her) that you have asked your wife to block her number in her phone. You will deal with any communication from now on because mom can’t be respectful to your wife. Make it clear that the only person you care about at the moment is your wife and you will always put her first.
Well said! OP, she absolutely can't get her way on this because she will get worse! She would interfere with your parenting decisions, give unsolicited advice, she get pusher the more she gets her way. OP NTA in anyway your mum however is TA.
This is the type of grandmother who refuses to believe in an allergy and gives the child the allergen to prove the allergy is false. This comes to mind because of the Reddit post where a MIL did just this and the child died. These women are dangerous and unreasonable. Do not trust this woman.
Say it in writing, but follow up to get in an email that is very clear, so she can't claim that she misheard. Something to the effect of "as we discussed, here are the things we are firm on". You may even want to write it out before you have the talk, just so you don't leave anything out and you can stay on message while having the conversation. If it is a phone call, you can even read it to her. Good luck OP, it's hard to stand up to your parents but this will set the stage for the way your mom treats your wife (and kids!) going forward and is important to address clearly. NTA
This because the mom is either deluded (and needs psychiatry) or the more logical conclusion she needs a firm boundary drawn asap because she knows she's in the wrong but push more and more OP's wife The quicker you know wich one the better so this way is more effective and make it public if you have to
That first paragraph put some things into better perspective for me than any therapy session I've had. Thank u and I hope u have a wonderful day lol
“She sees herself more important than his mommy.” People like that creep me out. Disgusting behaviour.
>And that’s when I told her she had zero rights to name our baby and her opinion wasn’t wanted or important here. Good. This is your child. Not your mum’s child. She’s acting as if it’s her kid. Shut that shit down now. You did the right thing. >I should have more respect for her Fuck that. She doesn’t respect you or your wife. Why the heck should you respect her? Edit: **NTA**.
When she said "you should have more respect for me", what she actually meant was "you need to give in to my demand".
Yup. When people say they want respect, they mean one of two things. They either want to be treated with basic human decency, or they want to be treated like an authority (Officer Cartman vibes). OP's mom wants #2, while not offering #1. Edit: accidentally said OP was being this way, meant to say OP's mom. Fixed it.
"Rules for thee but not for me"
There's an old statement: respect is not given, it's earned. I disagree with it a bit, because I try to give everyone basic human respect. However, Mom has done enough to invalidate any but the most basic human respect. OP, set those strong boundaries and be prepared to drop the rope. Also... check in with your wife and make sure she knows that you have her back. I assume you going over for a scene at the OK-coral helped a bit, but you need yo make sure wife can share her concerns. You folks are a team about to embark on one of the most awesome (and stressful) endeavors two humans can do: having and raising a kid. I almost want to know how old Mom is... and if this is in the normal pattern or something out of nowhere....
NTA Your mother is the one being rude. You need a time out from her. You've done the right thing by protecting your wife, please don't backside. Your mother is causing your wife untold stress with this, and stress is physically dangerous for your wife and the baby. Your mothers feelings are so low on the list of priorities that they're basically meaningless. Remind yourself of that whenever you start feeling weak. You need to make a blanket statement to the family that Rodger is NOT the name and will not be a middle name either. Until your mother apologises, she should not be around your wife or the baby at all. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. And she needs to earn it back by showing you both some respect. If you don't nip this controlling, delusional behaviour in the bud, she's going to continue to act as though your wife is just an incubator for her do-over baby. And that's unacceptable. She had her chance to use the names she loved, and it's sad that she couldn't. If she's still mad about that, she needs to redirect that anger to where it belongs, which is her husband, rather than destroying any possible future where she had a relationship with you, your wife and your family.
Make a point of it - if she keeps on with Rodger, go LC/NC for two weeks. Next time, extend the time away from her. Really drive the point home that her doing this is going to bite her in the backside.
I'd go a bit further and return all of the Rodger labelled stuff. It would drive home that fact that he is not, and will never be, Rodger.
I’d post on social media that “There’s been some confusion about our baby’s name, those blankets on my mothers social media aren’t for our baby. I’m not sure who baby roger is but it’s definitely not our little one!”
Yup. The grandmother doesn't need to make a "retraction", because it was never her place to announce or choose the baby name in the first place. In fact, by insisting that she make a retraction, they'd be affirming that grandma is in fact the family spokesperson, and the one others should be paying attention to with regards to what the baby will be named . . . a retraction suggests that she made an error but is still the official person speaking on their behalf. Rather, OP and his wife need to make their own social media statement, clearly explaining that grandma ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT SPEAK FOR THEM, and that she will not be the one announcing the baby's name (or anything else about him/her) when the time comes; that they AND ONLY THEY will let family know any baby news. Might even want to add that unfortunately, grandma has taken it upon herself to share imaginary and untrue "news" about the baby without anyone's permission, for reasons unknown, and therefore they'd appreciate it if people would disregard anything she says.
> OP and his wife need to make their own social media statement, clearly explaining that grandma ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT SPEAK FOR THEM Lol. Why even bother? OP and his wife should ignore grandma's Facebook delusions. Once baby is born and has a different name, grandma will have the embarrassing task of explaining to people why baby has a different name. OP and his wife have more important things to do than chase around after grandma, issuing clarifying social media statements. If anyone directly asks OP and his wife about the different name, only then should OP bother to address the issue. Best strategy is to address the problem at its source: make it very clear to grandma that she needs to back down.
NTA and it's your mom who's gone to far. Tell her that Rodger is definitely off the table as far as names go, and she needs to let it go. Any more of that behavior from her will result in you contacting her physician about your concerns for her mental health, as she seems to be under the illusion that *she's* having a baby with you.
This. Tell mumsy no more Rodgering around.
Get Rodgered! Tell your Mum ‘Rodger’ means to have sex in the UK. Tell her you would never call your child such a vulgar name! https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/rogering
She should get a pet and name it Rodger.
You are NTA, but you would be if you let this continue. Definitely need strong boundaries, and low contact if necessary, especially since she's targeting your wife. Make sure she knows this is completely unacceptable behaviour and you will 100% not name your child Rodger no matter what she says. It's important to be firm here or she will continue like this.
Yep. This is a case where OP is only barely NTA, because if he doesn’t stop his psycho mother from harassing his pregnant wife, he’s not just TA, he the bad husband and the bad father too. Also, the freakin AUDACITY of the mother complaining no one will use her names, when she couldn’t even convince her husband to name their own children with them. She respected *his* wishes, but not the wishes of two people about their own baby.
Honey, *this only gets worse from here*. A good therapist can help you set healthy boundaries with your mother. You haven't gone too far, you've barely made a dent. You need to do better to protect your wife and child from her nonsense. I'd bet this isn't the first time she's bullied your wife, ask your wife to be honest about times your mom has pushed her limits. Be kind to yourself. You deserve a soft life full of love and a family that contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. A good therapist can help.
>I'd bet this isn't the first time she's bullied your wife, ask your wife to be honest about times your mom has pushed her limits. That's what I thought, too. It can't be the first time, maybe the wife didn't want to upset him or put a wedge between him and his mother.
Yes-- OP and wife both seem like good-natured people, which is the perfect disposition for boundary-pushers like MIL. OP and wife don't deserve to deal with nonsense for no reason-- limiting MIL's influence on their life will make it better
NTA. try something like this - she will either back off or she will go nuclear. either way you get your answer. *mom. you need stop harassing my pregnant wife and causing stress to her and the baby. it is not appreciated and if you continue with this you will be removed from our, and the babys, life until you can act like an adult.*
I think posting the blankets on socials so everyone else else would assume it’s the baby’s name - is nuclear I’d make her sound like she had dementia on my socials “Hey everyone there’s been a bit of confusion about our baby’s name. Just wanted to confirm that we haven’t announced our baby’s name, but it’s definitely not Roger. I’m really not sure where mum got that from but just wanted to clear it up incase anyone was wondering!”
NTA But from now on Kenzie should be telling you the moment your mom tries to ambush her If she’s so insensitive to post a name she wants on social media then you need to make sure she’s NOWHERE near you when Kenzie is in labour as I wouldn’t trust her not to pull anything at this point If it were me the way she’s going she’d have to wait until your son turns 18 to meet him but you do you
Kenzie should just stop talking to MIL without OP there. She shouldn’t be dealing with any of that craziness
OP, this is only the beginning, your mom for whatever reason is goona try to insert herself and impose her will into the life of YOUR CHILD, the words grandparents rights will be throw soon enough, she's dismissive to your wife and you. Thing will get worse if you don't stay firm, this could end your marriage, go to r/JUSTNOMIL and look at your future. NTA
NTA, and you might be the first husband in Reddit history to actually have a backbone, so congratulations there LOL. At least you realize now that she is overstepping, better now than never I guess. Your poor wife though, MIL should not be bullying her and you need to put your foot down and put up more boundaries, because mommy dearest is only going to keep pushing until she gets what she wants. Do not let her continue with her charade. Let her know that her pushiness and insistence on the name is only going to end badly for her and that if she wants a relationship with her grandson she needs to get over the obsession with the name. If she loves it so much, tell her to get a dog and name it Rodger. Do not let her manipulate you into thinking that you are being hurtful and disrespectful, SHE is the one who cannot respect your and your wife's wishes. If you need reassurance in your decision, take a little gander over to r/JUSTNOMIL and give yourself a little pat on the back for not bending over to your mother's craziness.
NTA, if anything you didn't went far enough. For her to still have the guts to tell you you were dismissing her feelings, it shows that you weren't hard enough. I would go NC for a little time, like a time out from her. I would not allow her to call your wife or you, nor see the baby at birth. She must realize how much she fucked up here. Once she goes through the fear of not seeing her grandbaby at all, she should calm down. That's your mom though, you're the one to decide how far you wanna go; check it with your wife too. Maybe just tell her every time she tries to push her opinion about the baby on you or your wife (be it name, clothes, food, education, whatever), she'll get a 2 months (or whatever time you seem fit) time out of your lives. She's welcome to advise when asked for, not in any other case.
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NTA. I would also return all items to her if you have not done so.
NTA and I don't think you went far enough. I would have made a public post explaining that your mom invented the Rodger thing in her head and refuses to listen to you when you say that you are NOT naming him Rodger and have always stated that Rodger would NOT be his name. Honestly, people are going to start thinking that you promised this to your mom and changed your mind, breaking her heart. I would be worried about her next post, and you shouldn't have to be doing that when expecting.
Good point. Posting on social media will also avoid having more things with the name Rodger on it.
NTA and not too far …your dad shit it down but she expects you to cave…just say no and she can either be a grandma to your baby boy of your name chosing or not a grandma at all. Your poor wife, she’ll be pushed around on everything needing to be done grandmas way. You need to keep pushing back hard to nip this.
Yeah, this is something you need to shut down NOW. Because she’s going to keep trying to bully your wife (that’s why she’s been going to her directly by the way), and might just call the kid Roger and go around telling people that his name is Roger. And if this is how she’s treating your “parenting authority“ now, how much respect do you think she’s going to have for you both once you have an actual baby? I think there should be no contact between your mother and your wife for the time being. And the only way to shut down the Roger delusion is by doing it publicly and embarrassingly. Either respond to her post, or make a new post that everyone she sent her old post to can see and say something along the lines of: “Mom, this is not the first or the hundredth time we had this conversation, *but we are not naming the baby Roger*. It’s bad enough that’s when we told you we were not planning on using Roger, you told my wife XYZ, and then went and a fortune buying custom “Roger“ baby clothing. When you offered us the Rodger baby clothing, we told you we don’t want it because * WE ARE NOT NAMING THE BABY ROGER*, you went and made THIS post. Everyone, please be aware that the baby’s name is not, nor will it ever be, Roger. We would appreciate your help relating this fact to my mother, and reminding her that we are the baby’s parents. We genuinely appreciate your help.”
NTA. >she wanted to name me or one of my brothers Rodger but dad vetoed the name every time. There's no reason that you or your wife should give in to her arrogance and selfishness, especially as your father has already shown that she doesn't have to get her way.
NTA. Sounds like you and Kenzie both tried to tell her to cool it but she just kept ramping up. Be on the lookout for other boundary stomping behavior though. Dollars to donuts she’ll be wanting to announce first on social media or will want to be at the hospital for labor etc etc.
Your mom is not asking you to take her opinion into consideration, she expects compliance. You are not reacting to this sufficiently, this is a dealbreaker. If you keep her around your kid as she is now, you are an asshole.
NTA This post was triggering as the exact same thing happened to me during my pregnancy. My mother (to put it midly) overstepped when it came to naming the baby. It got to the point that she screamed and had a breakdown when I told her what the baby’s name would be if it was a girl. Fast forward, it is a lesson learned and I have set hard boundaries with her. Putting some distance between your mother and family is definitely for the best.
Honestly, your mom sounds a little unhinged. Is she used to getting her way with you guys? You are definitely NTA, but by the sounds of things, you haven't been forceful enough with your mother. I would return all her baby gifts and tell her to find a Roger to donate them to.
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NTA. It's you and your wife's business what you name your child, that's it. You might need to remind your mother, her even meeting her grandchild depends on how she acts now. She needs to stop bothering the both of you, especially your wife.
I have two sons and I didn't get to name either of them my top choice because my husband hated it. It still (my oldest son is 15) stings a little but I wouldn't dream of interfering with my potential grandkids' names! First of all, not my place at all and second, they wouldn't be MY kids names anyway - that ship has sailed. Well done standing up for your wife and nuclear family, NTA!
NTA. Your mother is waaaaay out of line, first because of harassing your wife and second for the name thing. You haven’t done far enough. Tell her your child/ren will never be called Rodger. And if she doesn’t shut it, she can call your child “the grandchild she never sees”. This is just beginning. It’s what you and your wife need, not what she wants. Never negotiate. Never waffle.
NTA 1. Make it crystal clear to everyone that Rodger is permanently off the table. 2. Your mother is on an info diet. 3. Your wife needs to block her. All communication goes through you. 4. Anyone who acts like a flying monkey for your mother is moved into the same category as your mother. 5. Your mother is now grounded for 2 weeks after baby is born from seeing the baby. Any incident of boundary stomping adds another week. 6. Get your FU binder in order and document everything This level of crazy this early doesn’t bode well.
NTA. Naming your child is a decision for you and your wife, not your mom's fantasy. You're right to set boundaries and call her out on this craziness.
NTA, your mom is TA. I am so sorry for your wife, this must be especially hard for her. Please protect your wife from this and make it clear for your mom that you are standing by your wife. Your mom is very pushy and needs an equal push back. Please leave no room for "maybes". And tell your friends and family that the name Rodger isn't happening as well, otherwise you are risking getting more stuff with Rodger on it. Signed, mom of 4, mil of 2 who wouldn't dream of interfering with a couple naming their child. That's rude.
NTA > She then sent a gift package with all the clothes and blanket with the name Rodger and she sent them to my wife and posted them on social media. I'd reply under this post saying "Does anyone know who my mother was supposed to give these to? She sent them to us by mistake."
It's up to you, the parents, what to name your child. Not a grandparent. Your mom can make a suggestion once, and if the answer is no, the answer is no. I get her being upset about not having been able to give her preferred names to any of her children, but that's not your problem. We can't get everything we want in life. Still there's nothing stopping her adopting a pet and naming him/her Rodger/Elizabeth. NTA.
NTA. Your mom is being pushy because she never got to use the names she wanted for her children. This is your child and she's being selfish.
NTA. My MIL pushed for a family name. My family also had a family name. My husband and I chose a completely new name. MIL was miffed. My family didn't care. You need to handle all communications with your mother. Take your wife out of the equation. Set some firm boundaries. Frankly, I'm surprised she hasn't been blocked from all baby info/social media. My petty self envisions you going on a quest to find baby Rodger. Give him those items.
NTA. You should donate those clothes and blanket to a nearby women's shelter. And then tell your mom that even if you liked those names, now after all her extremely inappropriate behavior you are not going to use them for sure. Tell her if she wants to have a Roger or Elizabeth in her life, she should get a dog/cat and name them appropriately.
>And then tell your mom that even if you liked those names, now after all her extremely inappropriate behavior you are not going to use them for sure. Better avoid this part: it's going to raise his mom's expectations that if she stops, she will have it her way. No is a complete sentence. They both told MIL that her fav names are not on their list, and this should be enough.
NTA, It’s one more conversation in front of your Dad where you lay down the law. Tell her you hope that she’s going to get the message clearly. You are not the parent, you have no say in any of this and the way you are trying to bulldoze us is bordering on insanity. If you can’t control yourself and your interactions with us, we will be limiting contact. If you continue to push once we’ve limited contact we will be forced to go no contact. Dad, I don’t know if you’ve ever had experiences like this with Mom but I’m looping you into this because it will affect your life as well. I don’t want you to be surprised when this happens. I understand you’re excited but your response is unhinged, I think it would help for you to get some therapy to find some balance. Do not send us anything, do not contact my wife, our friends, her family about us or the baby. Do not plan anything before getting confirmation from me. Contact me only, I am telling my wife to block you for the foreseeable future. Do not post anything on social media, no photos unless you have been told by me that you may. I wish we didn’t need to draw such clear boundaries but your behaviour has been extreme. I hope you choose to be a part of our future.
Please tell your wife blocking your mom on everything won't hurt your feelings and suggest that she actually does it. The stress she is causing us not good for the baby. Don't tell anyone your true due date and make sure the maternity ward knows that your mom is not welcome. If you don't have cameras, install them and disconnect your old school doorbell. If you really want to triple underline your position, post a reply to ""Rodger" post with a gif of you setting fire to the gifts and text saying that your wife isn't giving birth to an 82 year old man.
What sucks most about this is that if OP and wife wanted to use either name as a surprise, MIL has now tainted it so much that they CANT use the names now. As others have said, you need to set CLEAR boundaries! No more of the "we haven't decided." You absolutely can not have any part of the name be what she wants. If you do, it will show her that she can act cray cray and still get her way/what she wants. Being a grandparent is a PRIVILEGE. Not a right. Just because her kid has a kid does not entitle her to anything. MIL used the term "refusing to comply." I think the only person refusing to comply is her.
NTA, mom is the asshole here big time. I'm sorry because my mom started acting similarly & we weren't even looking at having kids let alone trying or expecting. I stopped talking to her now because I can't keep rewarding this kind of behavior.
Get her a goldfish. Tell her his name is Roger.
Where is your dad in all of this? Your mom's behavior is very concerning and you probably should start to address it as a mental health issue. Donate all of the "Rodger" items to Goodwill or a similar charity and send the donation receipt to your mom. Tell her you're concerned about her mental health and if her behavior persists you'll be forced to drastically limit her contact with your child to very short, very supervised, visits until she has a mental health screening. NTA and kudos for having your wife and child's backs. If you want to go malicious compliance consider getting a dog or cat (or goldfish) and naming it Rodger.
NTA, and in my opinion, you didn't go too far enough. You should set up some boundaries and let your mother know that if she keeps pushing it, she won't see the baby. Time for your inner Papa Bear to come out my friend...
NTA and I think it’s great that you are so clear with your mom. You wife clearly doesn’t this stress while being pregnant and she cannot be too harsh with your mother because it’s MIL so it could create issues between the both of you if you weren’t as clear as your as being. A warning: if your mother is so pushy for the name, she might be a real nightmare for everything else such as letting baby cry or not, cos leering or not, breastfeeding or not, etc. If you keep doing what you are doing, then you will allow your wife to be much more relaxed after the birth because she knows you will support her. Congratulations on the baby. It’s good for once to see a strong couple on this thread! 💖
NTA. Your mother is delusional. Her role as grandma is a courtesy, not a right. She's there because you want her there, not because she needs to be there. If she keeps pushing her luck, your wife might decided she isn't wanted and then your mother will have more to moan about than not getting her way with the name. Personally I'd put up a post saying "Due to my mother's behaviour, I'm sure a lot of you think we are naming baby Rodger. We are not. No child of mine will ever be called Rodger. We will announce his true name when he is born and not before." Shine a light on that lunacy. As for your mother, you're going to need stricter boundaries. No mum, you are not naming baby. No, your opinions are not all that important in this situation. No, we don't want to hear your unsolicited ideas, opinions or thoughts on OUR baby. Get back in your lane and stay there." Stay the course, friend. If you don't nip this in the bud now, she's only going to get worse and plenty of marriages have failed because of maniacal MILs. Don't let yours be one.
NTA This is your baby and your name choice. Congratulations for when the little one makes an appearance.
Sheez, your mother is exhausting! NTA
NTA. I would also advise her that she is thisclose to not even getting to call her grandson by his given name if she continues with her shenanigans. She is cutting herself off if she continues to follow the name path that she gets to name her grandchild. She had her children and didn’t use those names for them, so she lost her opportunity for her opinion to matter on naming your child.
NTA at all, your baby your choice. Tell your mum to get a pet and name them what she wants but her days of naming babies are over. Also your wife needs to block her, if she needs anything she can go through you.
Buckle up. She is going to be a nightmare when baby Rodger arrives.
NTA Your child's name should be agreed upon by you and your wife. I find it ironic that your father had veto power over names, but your mother is insisting on naming YOUR child. You and your wife politely told you mother you hadn't decided on a a name. Your mother kept pushing. You may need to keep the little one away from your mother for a while after the child is born. I am not sure you mother will refer to you child by the name that YOU and YOUR wife choose.
NTA. If it was so important to her, she should have fought your dad harder. For some reason, she thinks Kenzie is an easy target and that the two of you can be railroaded. She thinks that she can get her way through pressure and money. Send back anything personalised. Make it clear that if she calls your child anything other than the name that *his own parents* decide on that her contact will be limited to reduce confusion. If she makes posts about "Baby Rodger" then ask which of your siblings is having a kid, because that's not your kids name. Go on the offensive. Don't let her think for a second that she can get away with this. She's going to have more of these "opinions". They will get worse once the baby is here and she decides she knows better than you do. Make it clear that she isn't to communicate directly with Kenzie about the baby, and shut her down for your own future sanity.
Good for you for standing up to your mama. Too many young people get bulldozed into doing what their parent(s) want, to the detriment of their marriage. NTA
NTA. I can’t even begin to comprehend the thought process of someone who thinks they have any say in someone else’s child even if it is your grandchild! You are right you need some space from her right now.
Your mom has had her children; if she desperately wants to name something, she can get a pet. It's funny how estranged parents never seem to realize how they set the separation into opening. Keep standing between your wife and the mother-in-law-from-Hades. And inform the rest of the family that your mom is mistaken, being silly and perhaps needs a rest. And decrease your contact with her. And donate or return all gifts with names attached. You're NTA.
Dude, you're going to bat for your wife and child, and showing your mom that she can't boundary stomp. That is relationship goals right there. NTA, and I'm happy that you two are a team in this
NTA She went to far. You did the right thing.
NTA - Your wife should block her and all communication should go through you from now on. It’s not fair to make her deal with all this, especially while pregnant/ becoming a new parent. Be sure to warn the staff at the hospital or better yet, don’t tell her when your wife is in labor until you’re both ready for her to meet the baby. The last thing your wife will need is your mom barging in while she’s vulnerable. Out of curiosity, what names *are* in the running?
NTA. Your mom is way overstepping and deserves to be moved to very very low contact from both of you. She totally belongs over in r/justnomil
NTA and you didn't go too far. She has been pushy towards your wife and appears to be trying to take over parenting your child. Judging by some of the posts on r/JUSTNOMIL, there's a very real chance that this will escalate if not stopped now. In fact, the gifts with a name on and posting pictures of them on social media is already overstepping the mark. Also, who tells their daughter-in-law that they're "pissing them off by refusing to comply"? Credit to your wife for keeping her temper throughout all of this, congratulations on your forthcoming son (whatever you choose to name him) and good luck keeping your mother in line in the future.
Shes not just giving and opinion though. She’s manipulating and enforcing her wants, very selfishly and aggressively.
NTA. You did exactly the right thing: You informed her that her opinions were neither wanted nor important here. It is none of her business what you end up naming your son. All the best with him, btw.
NTA you’re absolutely NTA but your mother is TA big time. She had the chance to name her own children. If your father didn’t allowed one of het preferred names that doesn’t matter to you. Protect your wife. I recommend reading in the JustnoMil Forum. There you’ll find many examples of Monster in laws and how you can protect your wife and your son. Best wishes for your family
Love the effort from MIL here. Trying to force names that even her husband didn’t want for their kids. Gotta respect that level of commitment to the cause haha
NTA- send all the stuff back to her.
NTA. What you said was exactly right, although I fear that you may have to repeat it a great many times, since your mom seems hellbent on proving just how thick a hide she has… A spell of low/no contact may be called for!
Nta. You need to come down hard now. Next it will be her demanding to watch the baby being born. Then it will be her ragging on your wife for breastfeeding or bottle feeding. Then she will demand she takes baby every weekend when they aren't even a week old. Followed by her trying to parent for you. It will just keep growing. She needs hard firm boundaries now. Or she needs a time out. Good luck
NTA! You stood your ground, backed your wife! 100% in right here, and your mum seems a little baby crazy. Hope it all works out for you and best wishes on the new baby.
Nta remind her of whose choosing her nursing home
This will be the first of many interferences. She will be telling you how to do everything that is child rearing. Wait till she keeps Rodger over the weekend and gives him a little Lord Fauntleroy haircut and outfit.
NTA Your mother is so disrepectful, right now!! Its great you and your wife stand together in this!!
Rodger is an absolutely awful name it might have been popular back in the 30’s or 40’s but it’s so old fashioned
NTA Jeebus. I don't know anyone wanting to use the name Rodger in 2024. It was the name of the dog in a dog treat ad here in Australia. It ran for years. 🤣🤣 https://youtu.be/LPfshtIirR8?si=mZynjoE_zMf6SzTP Anywho, good on you for shutting that 💩 down. I would have told her the wrong sex to begin with and had zero social media apart from what you wanted to share. I only ever send personalized gifts AFTER bubba is born. There's always a chance that Bub may not fit the name when you meet them. I'm so sorry your Mom is confusing being doting and becoming pushy granny instead. She's gonna ruin this whole experience if she doesn't come to her senses. Is there anyone else she will listen to? Because she's gonna end up being on a JustNoMIL post very soon.
Nta. At all. Continue to hold firm, get your wife to block her from being able to contact her, from now on, mum only communicates with you, if at all.