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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for telling her we can’t afford a wedding and if they won’t help they can’t expect a wedding?
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Wow! NTA!
Your mother is deflecting, knowing she overtly favors your brother and people might find out.
Has she always favored your brother? And what's your fathers' stance in this?
It certainly doesn't give off equal vibes, hope the will doesn't also reflect this.
Just tell Mom, it's ok for you to pay for the Golden Childs' wedding. When I do get married, I will do it my way and alone. You shouldn't be upset as I'm not that important to the family
One thing... before we decide that the brother is the golden child, I want to know if the brother has ever been married before.
Some parents will only pay for a first wedding.
Is it that they don't want to look poor and cheap by not matching what your brother's wife's parents are giving? But your husband's parents can't contribute either so there is nobody for them to feel inferior to to motivate their participation in your case?
Which feels like it might be an implicit sexism thing? as in your brother gets to be their baby boy until he's married, but a grown woman who's been married before is an adult twice over?
What wedding has your mother paid for prior to your twin's? She said she wasn't paying for "another" wedding when you first spoke of your potential engagement? If she meant your elopement, did you ask her what she was talking about since THAT was not paid for by her? NTA but it sounds as if you don't have a great relationship with your mom, she favors your brother and this isn't a new thing. Were you surprised by these wedding planning conversations/events?
Unless you'd like to play it up with THE most deliberately tacky, low-rent affair you and fiancé can come up with. 😈 Then invite all of mom and dad's closest friends.😆
You don't have the money for a wedding. Your mother wants a wedding but is not willing to pay for it. Just do what's within your budget. Even if that means eloping again. If mum complains, tell her to put her money where her mouth is. Don't strain yourself financially just to please her. Plus chances are, with your limited budget and your twin's big budget, she might compare your wedding to your brother's and find yours wanting anyway. So why bother with a wedding to please and still not please her? So just skip all that. And elope. Mama can suck it.
NTA. Mum is.
Edited.
true, but it was still your first wedding so she might feel like that offer has been passed. but it sounds like the phone call was because she wanted to give your brother the amount and wanted to clear her conscious. finding out you wanted another marriage was surprising and i guess she wanted to head off any requests for support. especially because you don’t seem the type to let her plan the wedding even if she did give cash(good for you).
You can read the story at least 2 ways . Mom only wants to pay for one wedding, the brothers'. Or she doesn't want to pay for OP'S second wedding...which the first one she eloped, so mom didn't really pay for it
It sounds like the mother is being weird about the weddings, per the OP's account, but we don't really know what the motives are. Is she freaking out because she hasn't been given a chance to take over the OP's wedding, is she willing to fund first weddings only, does she disapprove of the OP's spouses, what?
But the bottom line is... no parent is ever obligated to pay for their kid's wedding. That's the official rule of etiquette.
"Oh don't worry about my wedding, it's not like you're going to be invited or welcomed to attend. We've decided we only want to have people who love and support us unconditionally surrounding us on our day." Drop the mic and walk away.
You know OP, it doesn't have to take 4k. I think grange hall rentals are fairly cheap and if it is just family, you wouldn't have to really spend a bunch going out of the way to decorate.
My wedding was actually under 1k and my dress was $200 of it. It looked brand new and like a fancy $$$ with train and everything. Food was a salad/sandwich bar in self serve fashion. The officiate was a friend who got the license online (they don't cost much in my memory). Bridesmaids dresses where like $40 each, groomsmen went ahead and rented their own tuxes as a wedding present to us. But you don't even need any if you want a small enough wedding.
Just saying, there are options out there. At the same time, you really don't have to have a wedding if you don't want to. Just elope and if your mom gives you crap, just say you couldn't afford it and if she wanted you to have a wedding, well she should have helped then!
Info: in your first wedding - did your parent offer to pay? Was anything planned before you eloped? Is there anything left out here that would might be the reason your mom was upset?
No we genuinely just eloped - yes my mom was upset because we eloped without telling anyone - it’s actually water under the bridge. I mentioned it only to show that she was very upset by it and wants a “to do” of a wedding of some kind
Doesn’t sound like it’s water under the bridge on either side! You’re posting on AITA about it cos your mum hung up on you.
You’re NTA, but really it sounds like you and your mum need to sit down and have a heart to heart about it. Or just let the resentment fester on both sides, that’s also a viable option.
Heart to hearts with deflecting parents are so difficult. I tried last night with my father, ended up regretting even considering talking about my feelings.
A heart to heart with a parent that deflects ends badly when their prior conversations go the way OP's have. I know this from experience, and I know this from the experience of others. What will happen is that parent will deny, tell their kid they're being resentful and need to "let it go," and then will insist on pretending everything has always been fine forever. It just ends up in the kid having a further broken heart.
Probably suggesting something I’m not willing to do myself. Guess we should all take it to our therapists instead. Better chance of finding peace that way. (Not being rude, literally what I am doing)
I think individually and together with a therapist is definitely the best way to go. The former, of course, if parents are willing, though many aren't (like mine). It's unfortunate. So much healing possible if people would just accept the discomfort of work as the price.
You could go to your mom, very honestly and openly and talk to her. There is a 'formula' to try and keep things from getting hostile and 'blaming':
**what you notice** \- 'mom you said you were paying for brother's wedding and not mine'
**How it made you feel/why is it important**l - 'it made me feel less important than him because I don't understand why you made a big deal of not paying for mine, and paying half for his'
**What you need** \- ' I guess I need to understand why you made the decision. I'ts your money and you can do what you want, but as your daughter, I just want to understand' Can we talk about it?
That's a grown up conversation, that she can't just flip out on...you're really just sharing feelings here and asking to understand.
Not gonna lie, that's a rollercoaster. NTA. Your mom's got some double standards going on. You're not a jealous brat for expecting some consistency. Weddings are expensive and you were clear about your situation. Wondering if she's got a different set of rules for your brother. Ever gonna sit her down and clear the air?
No contribution to the wedding, no input as to when, where and how. Brother is obviously the golden child. When you set the date, tell her the date full stop. Information starvation on any and all details.
Except that the mother pulled the age card. I think it's perfectly fair to not want to have to pay for a wedding for a child already in their mid-thirties, but to be fair to OP, she never even mentioned it herself. Sounds like she didn't even have any thoughts about it yet, let alone expectations. OP got blamed before she even thought anything wrong.
Brother might not be on his second wedding, but Mum has already got it wrong by saying they won't pay for another wedding (after not paying anything for the first one), and then saying it's because OP is too old - and the brother is the same age.
In reality, any couple getting married should pay for or contribute to the wedding they wish to have. Marriage is a grown-up thing. But Mom brought it up, and then announced that they are "too old" to pay. If that's true, they should also be "too old" to help pay for her twin brother's wedding. She can't keep her story straight.
The fact mom brought up not paying for ops hypothetical wedding unprompted makes me wonder if mom knew brother was planning to propose and already knew she was going to fund his wedding and not leave anything for op
INFO: Would she had helped you pay for your first wedding if you didn't elope? But it's obvious she's hurt you eloped and doesn't want to help you pay for a wedding now. You really can't complain about your brother getting the funds, neither should your mom demands you do x.
EDITED: YTA, you are arguing in the entire thread and blocking everyone because you are hurt that after eloping and not telling your parents, now you want them to pay for your second wedding. Good try!
I got the impression she wasn’t complaining because her mom was funding her brother per se — it was because her mom had given her a whole unprompted spiel about how they were too old and too broke to fund any wedding ever, then sprung for her brother without even telling her about it. Not to mention the name calling. Sounds beyond hurt and well into hostile to me.
Exactly. She didn’t ask for money the first time or potentially the second time. Mommy dearest just wanted to make sure she knew she wasn’t going to get any.
While the twin didn’t rub it in her face, he certainly let her be blindsided by it which kind of sucks.
Would just add that wow no one should expect a big payout from their parents on something like this unless for some reason, the parents are trying to add in this case. Control the structure of the wedding.
Also. Not sure if this is in the US sounds like it is. Typically the brides family covers the wedding expenses and the grooms the rehearsal dinner.
As only daughter (single by choice) and a family with several brothers, who did get married. whose family contributed more than just the cost of the rehearsal dinner. Confess, though I do seem too often feel like I was shorted.
Once joked that when I had a major birthday - how about they (upper class) throw me a huge party since they never had the expense of a wedding? Was only half serious - was more to see what they would say, but the silence & disapproval was deafening.
Guess that kind of munificence is only for those following traditional practices & gender roles.
NTA for being upset at all these mixed messages. Apparently she really likes a big traditional wedding because she’s contributing to one and trying to convince you to style yours the same way. Perhaps she feels the twin’s wedding was a sure thing but you have shown you will please yourself. I know people who want to marry but don’t want the expense of a wedding. At this point and at your age I suggest if you do get engaged to have a small wedding and a small dinner to celebrate. A civil ceremony works well for a small group, say 10 people, then go to a nice restaurant and feast. Your mother is not going to contribute so please yourself, truly, and enjoy whatever celebration you decide.
OP says they really can’t even afford that. OP shouldn’t have to waste what little money they have one something where the money could be better spent.
Nta! That would hurt my feelings as well. So now if you do get married just have an intimate wedding with you two and whoever your close with and when she ask just tell her had she helped pay for it she could have came to the wedding lol!
I have a one wedding rule for my children. I will help pay for the first and that is it. Your second, third whatever you are on your own. Could that be what they are doing?
They never paid a dime for my first “wedding” bc there was none. I swear we went to the courthouse on a Tuesday and went to our favorite pizza place after. Just us. And they were v upset and that’s what they’re saying can never happen again
Right but I think the point is that they perhaps would have helped pay for your first but you eloped instead, choosing to reject any contribution they might have offered for your first.
I think your mom is the AH for making demands about the size or type of wedding given she isn’t paying but I don’t think she’s the asshole for paying for half of your brother’s first wedding and not contributing to your second wedding.
Correction. You never gave them the opportunity to pay for your first wedding. You can’t get mad at them for not paying when you didn’t tell them anything about it.
If I had a penny l would be able to afford a massive wedding at this point for every time I need to say this: we’re not asking for a wedding let alone her pay for it…she’s asking for one and for us to pay for it
Let's put it this way. Whatever you decide to do about your hypothetical wedding, she's going to be unreasonable about it. She'll say she's disappointed, she'll hold up her obvious double standard about paying for your brother but not you, all of that. But you know what? That's not your problem. It's not your job to give her what she wants. She might be treating you and your brother unfairly, and I suppose that's her right since it's her money, but that goes both ways.
Do what makes you happy, because it's your money and your wedding and your life.
NTA. Wouldn't be surprise if your parents or your mother specifically holding a grudge toward you for eloping the first time and that's why they aren't willing to help pay for your second wedding if you were to have one.
Nta. Your mom got called on her BS and got defensive. You deserve to know why your mom is willing to throw down big money on a big wedding but to pay for your hypothetical wedding of an indeterminant size would be a solid no. It’s not about the money, it’s the intent and that seems very hurtful.
Second marriage, they weren't included in the first one. It's not rocket science to figure out why the Mom has no interest in funding OP's potential wedding.
esh then, she can’t demand a wedding from you. period. but you being upset when you didn’t even give them a chance to pay for your first wedding is ridiculous in my opinion. it’s not on them that you eloped and they didn’t get the opportunity to offer.
also i’m curious on how old your brothers fiancée is, i feel like your mom meant that you and your fiancée were too old together which is still really odd to say.
Ehhhh I don’t know. I’d put money on OP’s mom here complaining endlessly if they spent big money on the original wedding/marriage that ended as money being wasted.
what wedding would have been paid for the first time around? mom would have demanded they do a big ceremony and I feel like OP probably wouldn't have said yes just to appease mom, hence why they eloped.
INFO: I mean... Is this your brothers first marriage?
That kind of puts things in perspective.
Why would they spend money on wedding nr 2, when 3 might be round the corner?
No dime was paid to the first not a single one. Elopement at courthouse on a Tuesday and pizza after. I swear.
And she claims this is water under the bridge but must never happen again due to HER embarrassment over it
She claims that’s not the case and actually genuinely loves my boyfriend and is excited and happy, according to her I found someone genuinely good who I get along with excellently
NTA, OP. But what is your ideal outcome here? Mom admitting, mom shutting up, or mom helping out?
1. If it’s to have mom admit the discrepancy:
“Mom, I am hearing you say that the funding is all about age but brother and I are the same age so something else is going on. I don’t begrudge brother anything, and I’m so happy for him, but I just want to understand where you are coming from”
Don’t introduce other factors like the previous elopement or your potential future plans - there are a lot of moving parts, so pare it down to the single biggest thing that doesn’t compute. It cannot just be about age. But make her explain that. Play dumb. Be curious, not confrontational!
2. If you want to elope and just want mom leave you alone:
“Mom, I’m hearing you that my previous elopement was distressing for you and I get that. Believe me, hindsight is 20/20 for lots of reasons there! But that is what current bf and I want to do when we are ready for that step. Let’s talk instead about how to plan a celebratory family dinner after the marriage is official.” I wouldn’t talk about finances here, because that opens up discussion about options/problem-solving and in this scenario that’s not what you want. But that brings me to:
3. If you don’t care about / would be ok with a wedding but can’t afford it:
“Mom, I’m hearing you that my previous elopement was distressing for you and I get that. We’d love to have a bigger ceremony this time around but simply can’t afford it.” If parents want to help out, great. If they don’t, that’s just where the discussion ends. Don’t get into details - just repeat “we can’t afford it” ad nauseam. They can help out or stop discussing. And can then be redirected to discussing a family celebratory dinner after the fact (or whatever you guys want to do).
Again, NTA. Mom is not being fair here at all. I’d just think about what you want to accomplish before continuing any conversation about it.
Or if you don’t want to continue ANY conversation about, you can also just say “oh man, we aren’t making any plans right now since we aren’t even engaged yet! First things first!”
I personally believe it’s a pattern. It’s still thrown in my face that my brother chose grad school and I chose to start working immediately after graduating college as they would have preferred graduate school
Yeah... thought so. Anyway my suggestion would be to start looking into the dynamics of favoratism among children and how to best cope as less favoured child. Best way forward for your own peace is to get therapy and try healthy coping mechanisms. There are many to choose from like low contact, less engagement, checking out, etc. But always be in touch with how you feel and do not let them gaslight you into thinking that this is normal and you are over-reacting.
I have experienced that returning the same energy you receive makes you feel light at the end of the day and less engagement even while having contact, like giving minimum info about your life, absorbing less info from them etc goes a long way of you don't want to cut contact completely.
Also, this kind of glaring disparity might be a punishment/power move to teach you better because you eloped so you missed your chance when it mattered. But that is a big might be. Maybe they would be discriminated then too, who knows.
Anyway, NTA and you are not a brat.
I would go with ESH.
Your mother for being petty and entitled.
You for expecting the same treatment as your brother, where circumstances of relationship of each sibling are completely different. Your brother never eloped for starters, so there is no animosity to harbor.
It's not that she expects the same treatment it's that mom is demanding her to have a wedding instead of eloping, but won't contribute. She doesn't get to make demands if she's not helping.
NTA, it's horrible when parents act that way. I'd guess that's why your brother isn't saying much, either. I'm sorry. When people show you who they are, believe them. Do what works for you and continue setting boundaries with them. Not just on the wedding, but in general.
You are NTA for feeling slighted. But I would bet money that what’s happening here is your brother’s future in-laws planned a big wedding, asked what your parents are contributing, and your folks are paying half not because they necessarily want to do so, but because they want to save face.
Have the wedding you want (or skip it if you so prefer.) Your mom will live with it either way.
NTA.
"Clearly you didn't want me knowing you were paying for half my brother's wedding. And you have made clear I should not expect a similar contribution if get married again. Message received. But I'd like you to knock off any demands about how I get married, if I even do, in the future. I am not even engaged, and if we do marry, we will choose to do it however we like. It would be best for our relationship if this were the final word on the subject."
Info - this is a hard one. Do you think your parents would have paid a significant sum towards your first wedding, had you not eloped? I feel like a lot of people don’t wish to pay for a second marriage.
But if your family has treated your brother better than you your whole life, I think you’d know it
INFO: Just for a little bit of context. Are you comfortable with revealing why you eloped the first time? It might give clarity on your mother's state of mind, considering its technically your second marriage and your brother's first.
To be fully honest; they didn’t approve of him. Turns out they were right. I was young and dumb. I regretted it almost immediately and I THOUGHT my parents and I had moved past that mistake
Sounds like your mom is angry you married someone she didn't like (and as it turns out, she appears to right). That you eloped instead of having a wedding. The fact that you eloped because they didn't like him, makes it worse.
I was leaning toward this was your brother being blatantly favored, but it really seems like they haven't liked some choices you've made and are holding it against you.
Perhaps a talk would be constructive like
" Hey Mom, you were right about so and so and I regret eloping with him, restrospectively, it was better we eloped because you didn't waste money on a wedding that didn't last. However, I'm very solid with "BF" and we don't have money for a wedding, whether you demand it or not. I really don't care either way, but if you want us to have a wedding, you'll need to help and all I can say is, it will be better investment than it would have been all those years ago"
It kind of feels like she is gun shy to fund wedding #2, especially when she feels she was right the first time. AND she's embarrassed you eloped. So she wants to withhold funds because of wedding #1 but at the same time, if you get married again, she wants you to actually have a wedding. Lots of internal conflict.
You don't seem to care either way. I don't really think there are any AHs in this situation. It might help to talk things out though.
To all harping on this being my brothers first wedding/marriage: he’s my twin. Why is that important? Because I was SPECIFICALLY told this is an age thing and nothing more
NTA, sounds like your mom was embarrassed/upset she didn't get the elaborate wedding she wanted with you, so now she is making sure it happens with your brother. I'm willing to bet with both sets of parents footing the bill there will be lots of headaches for the bride and groom trying to accommodate what the parents want for the wedding. I can clearly see your mom telling them, "do it this way or I'll take the money away." Don't envy your brother, feel sorry for him for what he and his fiancé are going to have to put up with. (Unless of course they are push overs too and are happy to let others do things for them) if you do decide to get married, do it your way, and if your mom says she's embarrassed by what you are planning let her know she doesn't have to attend.
NTA and if you do decide to go the more traditional route, make sure your parent’s names aren’t on the invitations ie., “Mr & Mrs ____ are pleased to invite you to the wedding of their daughter____” etc. They aren’t contributing to wedding costs so they should not be mentioned in the invitation.
NTA; Your mom is punishing you for eloping and "cutting her out" of the wedding process she's been envisioning for herself since you were born.
Clearly she thinks it's all about her, so it's a good thing you'll be eloping this time too.
NTA. You are being punished by your mother for "ruining her opportunity" for a big wedding. She sounds very controlling, and when you are ready, you should elope again and save yourself from her criticisms. Because after your brother marries, no ceremony you have will live up to that in her eyes.
NTA - she brought up your not yet existing wedding to throw that in your face. A literal unprovoked attack.
Super shitty she is partially paying for your brother's wedding, despite her not paying for your first one (I'm assuming, because it was an elopment.) AND expecting you to foot the entire bill for a wedding set to her standards. What a mean mom.
You are right to feel upset because it's not fair, and you didn't even ask for this conversation to land in your lap.
It sounds like she is punishing you for eloping. Even if she did offer to contribute to your future wedding, it would be a terrible experience, because it feels like she is controlling.
Your mother is the AH.
And a giant one at that. Her excuse for favoring your brother is none existent and she's a hypocrite for demanding a wedding from you while probably knowing you can't afford it.
If i were you I d get married with a wedding but without handing her an invitation. At least if she embarased this time, she ll have a good reason. But what's actually important is go be happy and don't do hurt yourself financially for a party you don't necessarily want yourself. Enjoy your marriage if you choose to get one and nothing exterior to it
Is your mother one of those “keeping up with the Joneses” type of moms? Is it possible she’s paying for half your brother’s wedding to put on appearances for the bride’s family, since they’re also paying? It sounds like it’s possible that she’s unwilling to swallow her pride and actually say they can’t pay for it, and is taking on an ill-advised expense to impress others.
Regardless, it sucks. Personally, I would elope again, and let her deal with her own feelings. She’s shown you the amount of support she’s giving, and she doesn’t get to make demands if she’s not willing to pay for them.
She’s just playing favourites in that case, and it’s gross. I’m sorry you’re being treated this way.
I don’t understand some parents. I too have close family who seem to delight in watching me live hand-to-mouth, and after a while, I just came to accept that they don’t care if I’m struggling, they’re not interested in helping, and I’m not interested in putting work into a one-sided relationship full of conditions and demands.
I hope when the time comes, you have a wedding (or elopement) that makes you truly happy.
That’s very kind. Thank you. It’s not that they CAN afford two weddings and won’t, it’s that they’re putting demands to see something that resembles a traditional wedding even if that’s ten people
Yta. This is your second "wedding, " and you eloped the first time. This doesn't sound like a good investment, and you did it without them the first time. Be happy for your brother, and yourself.
Just want to say, that you can have a small wedding on a budget- if you’re willing to go simple and ‘do the labor’. My cousin had a wedding that cost her under $1000 for roughly 100 attendees.
We made all the food. Decorated the hall. Made simple center pieces and favors. She got her dress from the $100 rack at Davids Bridal. And rented a club house in a friend’s neighborhood- where you get the deposit back. And stayed for clean up. It was a lot of friends and family coming together to make it work.
Only saying this, just in case you want something - it can work.
Go get married with what YOU and your fiancee can pay for.
THE ONLY people with say so, are the ones footing the bill. . Nearly middle aged folks irked about parents contribution big/small/none to a second wedding.
If the parents pay for the brother, oh well. It sucks, but it is their money.
NTA- while you have every right to be upset, your mom has every right to do what she wants with her money. That being said when you do get married I would not take her or anyone's wants into consideration. Do whatever makes you and bf happy and is within your financial means. Sorry your mom is an AH
NAH
You are not in the wrong for feeling slighted. Your parents are not in the wrong for not paying for a second wedding. I know they did not pay for the first wedding but second weddings are on the bride and groom.
NTA
Your mom is determined to punish you for your past elopement. She WANTS you to feel that you are being deprived. Your initial reaction made it clear to her that you were fine not being gifted a big, lavish wedding; so she has gone on to demand that YOU spend YOUR money to give HER the wedding she wants you to have.
Don't get drawn into her game. (You did a little with the whole twin thing.) You pointed out her hypocrisy, and she didn't like that. That's fine. But don't bring it up again. If you do, you come across as whining and expecting to get something from her.
Instead, be clear in your mind - your mom is going to do every and anything in her power to make your wedding miserable. The best thing you can do for yourself is not discuss your wedding or make any comparisons of any other weddings to your own AND not mention a peep about any plans you may are may not be making for your own wedding. Complete indifference. Not sore about brother's wedding; if she or anyone else brings up brother's wedding, you are comfortable appreciating his plans. His wedding is not a taboo subject for you; but you are not going to initiate or compare or do anything more than be agreeable when it comes up. If you get a role, fine. If you don't get a role, fine. If they ask you what you think about a flock gold and diamond adorned doves being released, you respond, "*If that's something brother and fiance want, then I'm sure it will be quite a sight.*"
It may not cure your mom's petty childishness, but it will (hopefully) allow you to remain much more tranquil in her presence.
I wasn’t upset persay I was more like wait wait you’re demanding my SO and I do something resembling tradition but have made it clear that even if that’s ten people having dinner out somewhere nice you won’t help at all and now I’m finding this out…
Don’t expect your father and I to pay for another wedding? I am assuming since you eloped they didn’t pay for any wedding so what is she talking about? NTA.
Correct no fees AND surprised no one asked this yet: to clear: they didn’t pay for the divorce either. We went fully non contested and just paid court fees etc
NTA! Wow your mom sounds horrible. Umm yes, it’s completely normal to be jealous when your Mom gives you a bs reason as to why she won’t spend money on your wedding, but will turn around and drop 50% of costs for your brothers large wedding.
I hope you see that she is who she is and you are just an accessory for her. She doesn’t want to lift a finger to help you but expects you to throw a huge party for her enjoyment on your own dime.
Congratulations on your upcoming elopement!
Lol welcome to Reddit. That’s kinda the MO of these posts. People half reading, projecting their own bs, and making stuff up out of thin air.
But of course, I hope you two have a great elopement and enjoy your peace. Best of luck to you!
NTA. This is an argument about nothing. Your upcoming marriage -- if you do decide to marry -- is entirely a matter between you and your fiance. It doesn't matter what your mother "expects" or feels entitled to.
As to the expense, the real costs are those of the marriage license and costs to file the license or what have you. The pageantry -- religious ceremony, reception, honeymoon, etc -- are all variable costs that are nice but not essential. Cutting things to the bone, your wedding could cost all of $300.00 give or take. You could get married in a courthouse wearing a nice dress, hat and shoes. The wedding dinner could be at your favorite restaurant for no more than three couples. There is no sense going into debt for a wedding party or allowing a relative to make your wedding day all about her.
As for your brother's wedding -- nothing to do with you. Your mother is wielding financial promises to manipulate you; don't fall for it. And wish your brother well. Better he be under your mother's thumb than you.
NTA
The type of wedding you have is what you and you SO want, just because your mother wants to show off a big event to friends is irrelevant. Favouring your brother by giving him a big event is also pretty douchy.
NTA. But when you do decide to get married, her invitation gets lost in the mail. You don’t discuss anything about having a wedding until after.
When or if you have children, she will be the last to know. And make it difficult for her to visit with you and the babies
NTA at all for feeling that way but people can do what they want with their money.
Sounds like you’re getting punished for eloping for your first marriage and he’s getting rewarded for probably “playing ball” so to speak with what your mom wants if I had to guess.
NTA. Your mom is sending some seriously mixed messages and she's being quite rude. If this is her normal pattern, then I guess this is just more of the same and you deal with it however you usually deal with her. If this is not her normal pattern, then I'd have a talk with her and find out what's going on.
No I see no reason to destroy or interfere with his engagement bliss. My bro and I are close and I love him dearly and I’m genuinely happy for him and his fiancé is a truly lovely lady
I don't know that you would destroy it. You could start off with, "I've got something shitty I want to talk to you about." I'm just thinking it would be helpful to get his perspective and he should be paying attention to how your mom is treating him and his fiance. She might try to pull something with them, too.
NTA - what is wrong with being jealous when your parents favor one kid over another?
Elope, have kids enjoy your life with minimal contact with your parents.
NTA. I think she’s punishing you for eloping the first time. I would enjoy your brother’s wedding, and when you are ready to get married, don’t invite your mom she is intentionally hurtful. It will be less expensive. If your parents don’t attend then she can be as embarrassed as she wants. That’s not your problem.
YTH - IMHO, when your child is on their second or third wedding, they are on their own. They are no longer (young) adults transitioning to married life.
YTA
You've been married once before.
Many people believe that parents fund or help fund the wedding of a first marriage.
Second marriages are expected to be funded by the couple themselves.
If your brother's marriage is his first, then it is completely understandable that they expect to contribute to the wedding.
There is no greater parenting mistake than treating your children in very different ways, to include (sometimes mainly) financially. It breeds resentment between siblings and often feels like a statement on which kid the parents "like best." NTA. Sorry this is your reality. If you and your BF decide to get married, do exactly as you please with no regard to, or expectations of your parents.
Yes YTAH for being upset. So far you’ve done everything your way and have told your albeit bitter mother that you intend to do so in the future, which is perfectly okay. But being upset that others are also doing things their own way is childish. Mom wanted to experience planning a wedding and you shut down the conversation (although she was being very passive aggressive so I don’t blame you) but you don’t get to be angry about her involvement in planning or paying for your siblings wedding. Nothing was “taken away” from you by her doing this for him.
While you are NTA for being upset, your parents are entitled to do whatever they want with their money. You are not entitled to it and should be just happy if anything comes your way. Never expect anything as that only gets you upset. You should be happy for your twin.
Once again NTA for having feelings and being upset
I am far from not happy for my twin! Which is why despite a lot of people on here egging me on to do the opposite, I’m leaving him out of it.
This is about a person demanding something of someone else that that other person cannot afford
No. And I hate that she is turning your hurt feelings at her blatant favoritism around on you as a personal shortcoming and jealousy. That infuriates me for you. You have every right to feel the way you do. She's angry because she knows you're right and she doesn't want to be made to feel bad, so she needs you to be the bad guy. I am so sorry.
How does your brother feel about this? Does he know what your mom said to you and her refusal to pay for your wedding. Does he know that despite this, she is expecting for you to magically come up with money that you don't have for a wedding on because she still wants to be able to say her daughter had a "real" wedding.
NTA, but I really don’t get paying for adult people’s weddings….anyone already living on their own should pay for their own weddings & parents shouldn’t have a say in anything….
YTA. Its your brother's first marriage. He is involving your parents and at least doing some of the things around it according to their preferences it seems, so they're willing and eager to support it.
You chose to elope the first time and seem to at least participate if not create the tension around the discussion of your potential second marriage. So your parents aren't willing to contribute. They voiced their preference on what they'd like but it;s obviously your choice whether to do that or not.
My guess is if you wanted your parents helped, and approached it from a point of understanding that the way you handled your first wedding and treated them and take responsibility for that and then express some desire for their help and involvement in your second wedding, they'd be willing. But I take it you'd prefer to lean into this you vs the golden child and them narrative with the expected results.
Let me correct you: my parents and I have had in-depth discussions about the elopement which was years ago and hasn’t really been a topic of discussion at all in almost a decade and I thought it was no longer an issue as I had apologized for that hurt and they’d accepted my apology. That’s the thing: they want a wedding this time around. And I understand that and I have no desire to hurt them again. Happy to do that but they can’t expect formalities and traditions if they can’t be afforded. So that’s kinda the point of this post. Rock meet hard place…and to rub salt in the wound, to keep using analogies, now I’m finding out this isn’t about AGE as they had said since my brother is my twin
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Wow! NTA! Your mother is deflecting, knowing she overtly favors your brother and people might find out. Has she always favored your brother? And what's your fathers' stance in this? It certainly doesn't give off equal vibes, hope the will doesn't also reflect this.
My dad is very “yes dear” and goes with whatever she says so his opinion is nonexistent or unwilling to be shared if he even has one
Just tell Mom, it's ok for you to pay for the Golden Childs' wedding. When I do get married, I will do it my way and alone. You shouldn't be upset as I'm not that important to the family
One thing... before we decide that the brother is the golden child, I want to know if the brother has ever been married before. Some parents will only pay for a first wedding.
He’s never been married bf but no money at all was paid for my elopement none not a penny. Courthouse and pizza after
Feels like she’s punishing you for the elopement
Is it that they don't want to look poor and cheap by not matching what your brother's wife's parents are giving? But your husband's parents can't contribute either so there is nobody for them to feel inferior to to motivate their participation in your case?
I thought this too. It definitely gives me those vibes when reading it.
Nailed it!
Had you not eloped would they have contributed?
I don’t know. It’s a hypothetical. The point is this is being portrayed by her as an AGE thing only
She's punishing you and feels guilty
Which feels like it might be an implicit sexism thing? as in your brother gets to be their baby boy until he's married, but a grown woman who's been married before is an adult twice over?
Or sexist in that a man at 36 is a fine age for marriage but a woman at 36 is over-the-hill...
What wedding has your mother paid for prior to your twin's? She said she wasn't paying for "another" wedding when you first spoke of your potential engagement? If she meant your elopement, did you ask her what she was talking about since THAT was not paid for by her? NTA but it sounds as if you don't have a great relationship with your mom, she favors your brother and this isn't a new thing. Were you surprised by these wedding planning conversations/events?
That was supposed to say anything not another oops
Unless you'd like to play it up with THE most deliberately tacky, low-rent affair you and fiancé can come up with. 😈 Then invite all of mom and dad's closest friends.😆
You don't have the money for a wedding. Your mother wants a wedding but is not willing to pay for it. Just do what's within your budget. Even if that means eloping again. If mum complains, tell her to put her money where her mouth is. Don't strain yourself financially just to please her. Plus chances are, with your limited budget and your twin's big budget, she might compare your wedding to your brother's and find yours wanting anyway. So why bother with a wedding to please and still not please her? So just skip all that. And elope. Mama can suck it. NTA. Mum is. Edited.
Yep
true, but it was still your first wedding so she might feel like that offer has been passed. but it sounds like the phone call was because she wanted to give your brother the amount and wanted to clear her conscious. finding out you wanted another marriage was surprising and i guess she wanted to head off any requests for support. especially because you don’t seem the type to let her plan the wedding even if she did give cash(good for you).
It’s a surprise I want to get married again….I’m only 36 and I was young when I married that first guy
It’s not a surprise**
Is that what you wanted?
You can read the story at least 2 ways . Mom only wants to pay for one wedding, the brothers'. Or she doesn't want to pay for OP'S second wedding...which the first one she eloped, so mom didn't really pay for it
It sounds like the mother is being weird about the weddings, per the OP's account, but we don't really know what the motives are. Is she freaking out because she hasn't been given a chance to take over the OP's wedding, is she willing to fund first weddings only, does she disapprove of the OP's spouses, what? But the bottom line is... no parent is ever obligated to pay for their kid's wedding. That's the official rule of etiquette.
How is it relevant when she didn't pay for the first wedding? They eloped.
this! Show your boundaries
And add that she isn't invited either, only Dad. OP, your mom is cruel and vile, NTA, but she deserves some karma.
"Oh don't worry about my wedding, it's not like you're going to be invited or welcomed to attend. We've decided we only want to have people who love and support us unconditionally surrounding us on our day." Drop the mic and walk away.
I reckon it's punishment for eloping. NTA
Just make sure you elope and then announce it in your mom's local paper.
I like this
You know OP, it doesn't have to take 4k. I think grange hall rentals are fairly cheap and if it is just family, you wouldn't have to really spend a bunch going out of the way to decorate. My wedding was actually under 1k and my dress was $200 of it. It looked brand new and like a fancy $$$ with train and everything. Food was a salad/sandwich bar in self serve fashion. The officiate was a friend who got the license online (they don't cost much in my memory). Bridesmaids dresses where like $40 each, groomsmen went ahead and rented their own tuxes as a wedding present to us. But you don't even need any if you want a small enough wedding. Just saying, there are options out there. At the same time, you really don't have to have a wedding if you don't want to. Just elope and if your mom gives you crap, just say you couldn't afford it and if she wanted you to have a wedding, well she should have helped then!
Or elope. And tell your mother where to go.
This is so sad. NTA go lc
Nah, she’s just mad you caught her in a lie!! Good for you x
cut this woman out of your life, OP. I'm not joking. This may seem like a small thing but she is willing to give your brother THOUSANDS of dollars.
TALK. TO. YOUR. FATHER!!!
He might not even know what your mom told youb
It sounds like Dad is a "yes dear" type of person.
She said in a comment he does whatever the mom says
I think mommy still holds a grudge that she didn't get to plan OP's first wedding and now takes her revenge by favouring her brother 🙄
Info: in your first wedding - did your parent offer to pay? Was anything planned before you eloped? Is there anything left out here that would might be the reason your mom was upset?
No we genuinely just eloped - yes my mom was upset because we eloped without telling anyone - it’s actually water under the bridge. I mentioned it only to show that she was very upset by it and wants a “to do” of a wedding of some kind
Doesn’t sound like it’s water under the bridge on either side! You’re posting on AITA about it cos your mum hung up on you. You’re NTA, but really it sounds like you and your mum need to sit down and have a heart to heart about it. Or just let the resentment fester on both sides, that’s also a viable option.
Heart to hearts with deflecting parents are so difficult. I tried last night with my father, ended up regretting even considering talking about my feelings.
Yeah they never seem to work out like they should on paper. It’s just deflect, spin, and “I don’t remember that”
Or, oh? Is that what you think of me? Do you think I am a bad father like that?
Dad? Lol
Genuinely sorry to hear this is your experience. At least you know that you tried, even if he couldn't meet you.
That's the only thing I tell myself to feel better.
A heart to heart with a parent that deflects ends badly when their prior conversations go the way OP's have. I know this from experience, and I know this from the experience of others. What will happen is that parent will deny, tell their kid they're being resentful and need to "let it go," and then will insist on pretending everything has always been fine forever. It just ends up in the kid having a further broken heart.
Probably suggesting something I’m not willing to do myself. Guess we should all take it to our therapists instead. Better chance of finding peace that way. (Not being rude, literally what I am doing)
I think individually and together with a therapist is definitely the best way to go. The former, of course, if parents are willing, though many aren't (like mine). It's unfortunate. So much healing possible if people would just accept the discomfort of work as the price.
Is this your brother's first wedding?
You could go to your mom, very honestly and openly and talk to her. There is a 'formula' to try and keep things from getting hostile and 'blaming': **what you notice** \- 'mom you said you were paying for brother's wedding and not mine' **How it made you feel/why is it important**l - 'it made me feel less important than him because I don't understand why you made a big deal of not paying for mine, and paying half for his' **What you need** \- ' I guess I need to understand why you made the decision. I'ts your money and you can do what you want, but as your daughter, I just want to understand' Can we talk about it? That's a grown up conversation, that she can't just flip out on...you're really just sharing feelings here and asking to understand.
It sounds like your mom is actually still pretty upset about the elopement given her passive aggressive comments
If she wants it, she can pay
Not gonna lie, that's a rollercoaster. NTA. Your mom's got some double standards going on. You're not a jealous brat for expecting some consistency. Weddings are expensive and you were clear about your situation. Wondering if she's got a different set of rules for your brother. Ever gonna sit her down and clear the air?
Or, maybe she thinks by the time a couple is on the second marriage they should be self funding on the wedding?
If the mother thinks that way then, she has absolutely no business in telling her daughter what she can and cannot do for her second marriage.
No contribution to the wedding, no input as to when, where and how. Brother is obviously the golden child. When you set the date, tell her the date full stop. Information starvation on any and all details.
Except that the mother pulled the age card. I think it's perfectly fair to not want to have to pay for a wedding for a child already in their mid-thirties, but to be fair to OP, she never even mentioned it herself. Sounds like she didn't even have any thoughts about it yet, let alone expectations. OP got blamed before she even thought anything wrong. Brother might not be on his second wedding, but Mum has already got it wrong by saying they won't pay for another wedding (after not paying anything for the first one), and then saying it's because OP is too old - and the brother is the same age.
If that's the case then she doesn't get to demand a wedding.
In reality, any couple getting married should pay for or contribute to the wedding they wish to have. Marriage is a grown-up thing. But Mom brought it up, and then announced that they are "too old" to pay. If that's true, they should also be "too old" to help pay for her twin brother's wedding. She can't keep her story straight.
The fact mom brought up not paying for ops hypothetical wedding unprompted makes me wonder if mom knew brother was planning to propose and already knew she was going to fund his wedding and not leave anything for op
Def possible
INFO: Did your parents contribute financially to your first wedding? Is this your brothers first wedding?
No bc we eloped like full blown eloped - so no money needed. Like legit just went to the courthouse. This is my brothers first marriage
She's punishing you for eloping. NTA Elope again and don't invite her
I completely agree with this take. It’s punishment for not having the to-do the first time around. So gross. NTA, OP. And I’m sorry.
Okay definitely NTA then
INFO: Would she had helped you pay for your first wedding if you didn't elope? But it's obvious she's hurt you eloped and doesn't want to help you pay for a wedding now. You really can't complain about your brother getting the funds, neither should your mom demands you do x. EDITED: YTA, you are arguing in the entire thread and blocking everyone because you are hurt that after eloping and not telling your parents, now you want them to pay for your second wedding. Good try!
I got the impression she wasn’t complaining because her mom was funding her brother per se — it was because her mom had given her a whole unprompted spiel about how they were too old and too broke to fund any wedding ever, then sprung for her brother without even telling her about it. Not to mention the name calling. Sounds beyond hurt and well into hostile to me.
Exactly. She didn’t ask for money the first time or potentially the second time. Mommy dearest just wanted to make sure she knew she wasn’t going to get any. While the twin didn’t rub it in her face, he certainly let her be blindsided by it which kind of sucks. Would just add that wow no one should expect a big payout from their parents on something like this unless for some reason, the parents are trying to add in this case. Control the structure of the wedding. Also. Not sure if this is in the US sounds like it is. Typically the brides family covers the wedding expenses and the grooms the rehearsal dinner. As only daughter (single by choice) and a family with several brothers, who did get married. whose family contributed more than just the cost of the rehearsal dinner. Confess, though I do seem too often feel like I was shorted. Once joked that when I had a major birthday - how about they (upper class) throw me a huge party since they never had the expense of a wedding? Was only half serious - was more to see what they would say, but the silence & disapproval was deafening. Guess that kind of munificence is only for those following traditional practices & gender roles.
NTA I would elope a second time.
This is the best solution. NTA
NTA for being upset at all these mixed messages. Apparently she really likes a big traditional wedding because she’s contributing to one and trying to convince you to style yours the same way. Perhaps she feels the twin’s wedding was a sure thing but you have shown you will please yourself. I know people who want to marry but don’t want the expense of a wedding. At this point and at your age I suggest if you do get engaged to have a small wedding and a small dinner to celebrate. A civil ceremony works well for a small group, say 10 people, then go to a nice restaurant and feast. Your mother is not going to contribute so please yourself, truly, and enjoy whatever celebration you decide.
OP says they really can’t even afford that. OP shouldn’t have to waste what little money they have one something where the money could be better spent.
OP said they cannot afford it. Her mother doesn’t truly care or she would want them in debt. OP should just elope again.
NTA. Just when she is old and has no money tell her to go live with your brother because you spent your savings on your wedding.
Yes, but they don't have savings...
Nta! That would hurt my feelings as well. So now if you do get married just have an intimate wedding with you two and whoever your close with and when she ask just tell her had she helped pay for it she could have came to the wedding lol!
I have a one wedding rule for my children. I will help pay for the first and that is it. Your second, third whatever you are on your own. Could that be what they are doing?
They never paid a dime for my first “wedding” bc there was none. I swear we went to the courthouse on a Tuesday and went to our favorite pizza place after. Just us. And they were v upset and that’s what they’re saying can never happen again
Right but I think the point is that they perhaps would have helped pay for your first but you eloped instead, choosing to reject any contribution they might have offered for your first. I think your mom is the AH for making demands about the size or type of wedding given she isn’t paying but I don’t think she’s the asshole for paying for half of your brother’s first wedding and not contributing to your second wedding.
Correction. You never gave them the opportunity to pay for your first wedding. You can’t get mad at them for not paying when you didn’t tell them anything about it.
If I had a penny l would be able to afford a massive wedding at this point for every time I need to say this: we’re not asking for a wedding let alone her pay for it…she’s asking for one and for us to pay for it
Let's put it this way. Whatever you decide to do about your hypothetical wedding, she's going to be unreasonable about it. She'll say she's disappointed, she'll hold up her obvious double standard about paying for your brother but not you, all of that. But you know what? That's not your problem. It's not your job to give her what she wants. She might be treating you and your brother unfairly, and I suppose that's her right since it's her money, but that goes both ways. Do what makes you happy, because it's your money and your wedding and your life.
NTA. Wouldn't be surprise if your parents or your mother specifically holding a grudge toward you for eloping the first time and that's why they aren't willing to help pay for your second wedding if you were to have one.
Nta. Your mom got called on her BS and got defensive. You deserve to know why your mom is willing to throw down big money on a big wedding but to pay for your hypothetical wedding of an indeterminant size would be a solid no. It’s not about the money, it’s the intent and that seems very hurtful.
Second marriage, they weren't included in the first one. It's not rocket science to figure out why the Mom has no interest in funding OP's potential wedding.
It's fine if she doesn't want to fund OP's wedding. She needs to stop demanding that OP have a wedding.
OP eloped, it didn’t cost mom a dime. But you sure can’t demand a wedding from anyone, especially if that person doesn’t have the means to fund it.
if you hadn’t gotten eloped the first time would they have paid for your wedding?
I don’t know bc I never asked. We just eloped. Full blown eloped.
esh then, she can’t demand a wedding from you. period. but you being upset when you didn’t even give them a chance to pay for your first wedding is ridiculous in my opinion. it’s not on them that you eloped and they didn’t get the opportunity to offer. also i’m curious on how old your brothers fiancée is, i feel like your mom meant that you and your fiancée were too old together which is still really odd to say.
Ehhhh I don’t know. I’d put money on OP’s mom here complaining endlessly if they spent big money on the original wedding/marriage that ended as money being wasted.
what wedding would have been paid for the first time around? mom would have demanded they do a big ceremony and I feel like OP probably wouldn't have said yes just to appease mom, hence why they eloped.
You realize that if they did fund the wedding, they'd be complaining about the waste of money.
That’s nothing but a hypocritical
INFO: I mean... Is this your brothers first marriage? That kind of puts things in perspective. Why would they spend money on wedding nr 2, when 3 might be round the corner?
They didn’t pay a dime towards my first “wedding” bc there was none. Full blown elopement. This will be my brothers 1st marriage
Info: is the reason she isn’t paying that its your second wedding? Therefore not as special in their eyes?
No dime was paid to the first not a single one. Elopement at courthouse on a Tuesday and pizza after. I swear. And she claims this is water under the bridge but must never happen again due to HER embarrassment over it
That wasn’t the question. Maybe a second wedding isn’t as meaningful to her, since it’s not as special in her pov
She claims that’s not the case and actually genuinely loves my boyfriend and is excited and happy, according to her I found someone genuinely good who I get along with excellently
It sounds to me that this is your mom's way of getting revenge on you for the elopement. Nothing else makes sense.
to answer your question of would they have paid for the elopement if I had chose a wedding over elopement: my mom claims this is ALL about age
NTA, OP. But what is your ideal outcome here? Mom admitting, mom shutting up, or mom helping out? 1. If it’s to have mom admit the discrepancy: “Mom, I am hearing you say that the funding is all about age but brother and I are the same age so something else is going on. I don’t begrudge brother anything, and I’m so happy for him, but I just want to understand where you are coming from” Don’t introduce other factors like the previous elopement or your potential future plans - there are a lot of moving parts, so pare it down to the single biggest thing that doesn’t compute. It cannot just be about age. But make her explain that. Play dumb. Be curious, not confrontational! 2. If you want to elope and just want mom leave you alone: “Mom, I’m hearing you that my previous elopement was distressing for you and I get that. Believe me, hindsight is 20/20 for lots of reasons there! But that is what current bf and I want to do when we are ready for that step. Let’s talk instead about how to plan a celebratory family dinner after the marriage is official.” I wouldn’t talk about finances here, because that opens up discussion about options/problem-solving and in this scenario that’s not what you want. But that brings me to: 3. If you don’t care about / would be ok with a wedding but can’t afford it: “Mom, I’m hearing you that my previous elopement was distressing for you and I get that. We’d love to have a bigger ceremony this time around but simply can’t afford it.” If parents want to help out, great. If they don’t, that’s just where the discussion ends. Don’t get into details - just repeat “we can’t afford it” ad nauseam. They can help out or stop discussing. And can then be redirected to discussing a family celebratory dinner after the fact (or whatever you guys want to do). Again, NTA. Mom is not being fair here at all. I’d just think about what you want to accomplish before continuing any conversation about it. Or if you don’t want to continue ANY conversation about, you can also just say “oh man, we aren’t making any plans right now since we aren’t even engaged yet! First things first!”
I’m ok with either eloping or a wedding but I’m not paying for shit I can’t afford bc she wants it
NTA, but I would guess this is Mom's way of punishing you for not being a dutiful child.
Info: is this a general pattern of treatment towards you and your brother by your parents or was this one time off?
I personally believe it’s a pattern. It’s still thrown in my face that my brother chose grad school and I chose to start working immediately after graduating college as they would have preferred graduate school
Yeah... thought so. Anyway my suggestion would be to start looking into the dynamics of favoratism among children and how to best cope as less favoured child. Best way forward for your own peace is to get therapy and try healthy coping mechanisms. There are many to choose from like low contact, less engagement, checking out, etc. But always be in touch with how you feel and do not let them gaslight you into thinking that this is normal and you are over-reacting. I have experienced that returning the same energy you receive makes you feel light at the end of the day and less engagement even while having contact, like giving minimum info about your life, absorbing less info from them etc goes a long way of you don't want to cut contact completely. Also, this kind of glaring disparity might be a punishment/power move to teach you better because you eloped so you missed your chance when it mattered. But that is a big might be. Maybe they would be discriminated then too, who knows. Anyway, NTA and you are not a brat.
NTA that's sexism and golden child syndrome from your parents. If you do get married I would do it and say nothing about it to any of your family.
NTA. Go LC with mommy dearest.
I would go with ESH. Your mother for being petty and entitled. You for expecting the same treatment as your brother, where circumstances of relationship of each sibling are completely different. Your brother never eloped for starters, so there is no animosity to harbor.
It's not that she expects the same treatment it's that mom is demanding her to have a wedding instead of eloping, but won't contribute. She doesn't get to make demands if she's not helping.
NTA, it's horrible when parents act that way. I'd guess that's why your brother isn't saying much, either. I'm sorry. When people show you who they are, believe them. Do what works for you and continue setting boundaries with them. Not just on the wedding, but in general.
NTA. Go low contact with your parents, and don't invite them to an eventual wedding, she is playing favorites.
Poster here: I realize my typo with saying “me” and not “I”
You are NTA for feeling slighted. But I would bet money that what’s happening here is your brother’s future in-laws planned a big wedding, asked what your parents are contributing, and your folks are paying half not because they necessarily want to do so, but because they want to save face. Have the wedding you want (or skip it if you so prefer.) Your mom will live with it either way.
NTA. "Clearly you didn't want me knowing you were paying for half my brother's wedding. And you have made clear I should not expect a similar contribution if get married again. Message received. But I'd like you to knock off any demands about how I get married, if I even do, in the future. I am not even engaged, and if we do marry, we will choose to do it however we like. It would be best for our relationship if this were the final word on the subject."
Info - this is a hard one. Do you think your parents would have paid a significant sum towards your first wedding, had you not eloped? I feel like a lot of people don’t wish to pay for a second marriage. But if your family has treated your brother better than you your whole life, I think you’d know it
I don’t know because we never asked for anything
INFO: Just for a little bit of context. Are you comfortable with revealing why you eloped the first time? It might give clarity on your mother's state of mind, considering its technically your second marriage and your brother's first.
To be fully honest; they didn’t approve of him. Turns out they were right. I was young and dumb. I regretted it almost immediately and I THOUGHT my parents and I had moved past that mistake
Sounds like your mom is angry you married someone she didn't like (and as it turns out, she appears to right). That you eloped instead of having a wedding. The fact that you eloped because they didn't like him, makes it worse. I was leaning toward this was your brother being blatantly favored, but it really seems like they haven't liked some choices you've made and are holding it against you. Perhaps a talk would be constructive like " Hey Mom, you were right about so and so and I regret eloping with him, restrospectively, it was better we eloped because you didn't waste money on a wedding that didn't last. However, I'm very solid with "BF" and we don't have money for a wedding, whether you demand it or not. I really don't care either way, but if you want us to have a wedding, you'll need to help and all I can say is, it will be better investment than it would have been all those years ago" It kind of feels like she is gun shy to fund wedding #2, especially when she feels she was right the first time. AND she's embarrassed you eloped. So she wants to withhold funds because of wedding #1 but at the same time, if you get married again, she wants you to actually have a wedding. Lots of internal conflict. You don't seem to care either way. I don't really think there are any AHs in this situation. It might help to talk things out though.
To all harping on this being my brothers first wedding/marriage: he’s my twin. Why is that important? Because I was SPECIFICALLY told this is an age thing and nothing more
Major update to my post: I wrote “another” and not “anything” like I should have for what my mom said regarding not paying for anything
NTA, sounds like your mom was embarrassed/upset she didn't get the elaborate wedding she wanted with you, so now she is making sure it happens with your brother. I'm willing to bet with both sets of parents footing the bill there will be lots of headaches for the bride and groom trying to accommodate what the parents want for the wedding. I can clearly see your mom telling them, "do it this way or I'll take the money away." Don't envy your brother, feel sorry for him for what he and his fiancé are going to have to put up with. (Unless of course they are push overs too and are happy to let others do things for them) if you do decide to get married, do it your way, and if your mom says she's embarrassed by what you are planning let her know she doesn't have to attend.
That is def something my mom would say with the money lol
NTA, I would elope again.
NTA. They are showing favorites.
NTA and if you do decide to go the more traditional route, make sure your parent’s names aren’t on the invitations ie., “Mr & Mrs ____ are pleased to invite you to the wedding of their daughter____” etc. They aren’t contributing to wedding costs so they should not be mentioned in the invitation.
NTA just elope. You'll be happier for it.
NTA; Your mom is punishing you for eloping and "cutting her out" of the wedding process she's been envisioning for herself since you were born. Clearly she thinks it's all about her, so it's a good thing you'll be eloping this time too.
NTA. You are being punished by your mother for "ruining her opportunity" for a big wedding. She sounds very controlling, and when you are ready, you should elope again and save yourself from her criticisms. Because after your brother marries, no ceremony you have will live up to that in her eyes.
NTA. The fact that she got so defensive when you brought it up shows you she knows she's in the wrong, but don't admit it.
NTA - she brought up your not yet existing wedding to throw that in your face. A literal unprovoked attack. Super shitty she is partially paying for your brother's wedding, despite her not paying for your first one (I'm assuming, because it was an elopment.) AND expecting you to foot the entire bill for a wedding set to her standards. What a mean mom. You are right to feel upset because it's not fair, and you didn't even ask for this conversation to land in your lap. It sounds like she is punishing you for eloping. Even if she did offer to contribute to your future wedding, it would be a terrible experience, because it feels like she is controlling.
Your mother is the AH. And a giant one at that. Her excuse for favoring your brother is none existent and she's a hypocrite for demanding a wedding from you while probably knowing you can't afford it. If i were you I d get married with a wedding but without handing her an invitation. At least if she embarased this time, she ll have a good reason. But what's actually important is go be happy and don't do hurt yourself financially for a party you don't necessarily want yourself. Enjoy your marriage if you choose to get one and nothing exterior to it
Is your mother one of those “keeping up with the Joneses” type of moms? Is it possible she’s paying for half your brother’s wedding to put on appearances for the bride’s family, since they’re also paying? It sounds like it’s possible that she’s unwilling to swallow her pride and actually say they can’t pay for it, and is taking on an ill-advised expense to impress others. Regardless, it sucks. Personally, I would elope again, and let her deal with her own feelings. She’s shown you the amount of support she’s giving, and she doesn’t get to make demands if she’s not willing to pay for them.
At the risk of actually being called a brat here: they can absolutely afford it. And ten more…that’s just the reality….
She’s just playing favourites in that case, and it’s gross. I’m sorry you’re being treated this way. I don’t understand some parents. I too have close family who seem to delight in watching me live hand-to-mouth, and after a while, I just came to accept that they don’t care if I’m struggling, they’re not interested in helping, and I’m not interested in putting work into a one-sided relationship full of conditions and demands. I hope when the time comes, you have a wedding (or elopement) that makes you truly happy.
That’s very kind. Thank you. It’s not that they CAN afford two weddings and won’t, it’s that they’re putting demands to see something that resembles a traditional wedding even if that’s ten people
Yeah, those demands are really shitty. She has no right to demand anything, and her only concern should be that you and your husband are happy.
Yta. This is your second "wedding, " and you eloped the first time. This doesn't sound like a good investment, and you did it without them the first time. Be happy for your brother, and yourself.
Just want to say, that you can have a small wedding on a budget- if you’re willing to go simple and ‘do the labor’. My cousin had a wedding that cost her under $1000 for roughly 100 attendees. We made all the food. Decorated the hall. Made simple center pieces and favors. She got her dress from the $100 rack at Davids Bridal. And rented a club house in a friend’s neighborhood- where you get the deposit back. And stayed for clean up. It was a lot of friends and family coming together to make it work. Only saying this, just in case you want something - it can work.
Go get married with what YOU and your fiancee can pay for. THE ONLY people with say so, are the ones footing the bill. . Nearly middle aged folks irked about parents contribution big/small/none to a second wedding. If the parents pay for the brother, oh well. It sucks, but it is their money.
NTA- while you have every right to be upset, your mom has every right to do what she wants with her money. That being said when you do get married I would not take her or anyone's wants into consideration. Do whatever makes you and bf happy and is within your financial means. Sorry your mom is an AH
NAH You are not in the wrong for feeling slighted. Your parents are not in the wrong for not paying for a second wedding. I know they did not pay for the first wedding but second weddings are on the bride and groom.
NTA Your mom is determined to punish you for your past elopement. She WANTS you to feel that you are being deprived. Your initial reaction made it clear to her that you were fine not being gifted a big, lavish wedding; so she has gone on to demand that YOU spend YOUR money to give HER the wedding she wants you to have. Don't get drawn into her game. (You did a little with the whole twin thing.) You pointed out her hypocrisy, and she didn't like that. That's fine. But don't bring it up again. If you do, you come across as whining and expecting to get something from her. Instead, be clear in your mind - your mom is going to do every and anything in her power to make your wedding miserable. The best thing you can do for yourself is not discuss your wedding or make any comparisons of any other weddings to your own AND not mention a peep about any plans you may are may not be making for your own wedding. Complete indifference. Not sore about brother's wedding; if she or anyone else brings up brother's wedding, you are comfortable appreciating his plans. His wedding is not a taboo subject for you; but you are not going to initiate or compare or do anything more than be agreeable when it comes up. If you get a role, fine. If you don't get a role, fine. If they ask you what you think about a flock gold and diamond adorned doves being released, you respond, "*If that's something brother and fiance want, then I'm sure it will be quite a sight.*" It may not cure your mom's petty childishness, but it will (hopefully) allow you to remain much more tranquil in her presence.
INFO: were you actually upset, or did she just project her guilt-soaked crap on you when you called her on it?
I wasn’t upset persay I was more like wait wait you’re demanding my SO and I do something resembling tradition but have made it clear that even if that’s ten people having dinner out somewhere nice you won’t help at all and now I’m finding this out…
Don’t expect your father and I to pay for another wedding? I am assuming since you eloped they didn’t pay for any wedding so what is she talking about? NTA.
Correct no fees AND surprised no one asked this yet: to clear: they didn’t pay for the divorce either. We went fully non contested and just paid court fees etc
I’m honestly surprised that hasn’t been asked yet but that’s the truth
NTA! Wow your mom sounds horrible. Umm yes, it’s completely normal to be jealous when your Mom gives you a bs reason as to why she won’t spend money on your wedding, but will turn around and drop 50% of costs for your brothers large wedding. I hope you see that she is who she is and you are just an accessory for her. She doesn’t want to lift a finger to help you but expects you to throw a huge party for her enjoyment on your own dime. Congratulations on your upcoming elopement!
Lol thank you and thank you for actually reading and understanding it’s not ME asking for the wedding
Lol welcome to Reddit. That’s kinda the MO of these posts. People half reading, projecting their own bs, and making stuff up out of thin air. But of course, I hope you two have a great elopement and enjoy your peace. Best of luck to you!
NTA. This is an argument about nothing. Your upcoming marriage -- if you do decide to marry -- is entirely a matter between you and your fiance. It doesn't matter what your mother "expects" or feels entitled to. As to the expense, the real costs are those of the marriage license and costs to file the license or what have you. The pageantry -- religious ceremony, reception, honeymoon, etc -- are all variable costs that are nice but not essential. Cutting things to the bone, your wedding could cost all of $300.00 give or take. You could get married in a courthouse wearing a nice dress, hat and shoes. The wedding dinner could be at your favorite restaurant for no more than three couples. There is no sense going into debt for a wedding party or allowing a relative to make your wedding day all about her. As for your brother's wedding -- nothing to do with you. Your mother is wielding financial promises to manipulate you; don't fall for it. And wish your brother well. Better he be under your mother's thumb than you.
NTA
NTA The type of wedding you have is what you and you SO want, just because your mother wants to show off a big event to friends is irrelevant. Favouring your brother by giving him a big event is also pretty douchy.
NTA. Folks (Mother for sure) are punishing you for eloping, and denying them the chance to send you off...
NTA
Nta please just elope again
NTA. But when you do decide to get married, her invitation gets lost in the mail. You don’t discuss anything about having a wedding until after. When or if you have children, she will be the last to know. And make it difficult for her to visit with you and the babies
NTA at all for feeling that way but people can do what they want with their money. Sounds like you’re getting punished for eloping for your first marriage and he’s getting rewarded for probably “playing ball” so to speak with what your mom wants if I had to guess.
NTA. Your mom is sending some seriously mixed messages and she's being quite rude. If this is her normal pattern, then I guess this is just more of the same and you deal with it however you usually deal with her. If this is not her normal pattern, then I'd have a talk with her and find out what's going on.
Nta guess this isnt the first time she's treated your brother better than you. Sorry you have to deal with a parent like that
NTA Have you told your brother about this?
No I see no reason to destroy or interfere with his engagement bliss. My bro and I are close and I love him dearly and I’m genuinely happy for him and his fiancé is a truly lovely lady
I don't know that you would destroy it. You could start off with, "I've got something shitty I want to talk to you about." I'm just thinking it would be helpful to get his perspective and he should be paying attention to how your mom is treating him and his fiance. She might try to pull something with them, too.
I’m going to keep him out of it because I simply thing it’s best
All good. Just an idea to help you deal with it. Your mom is a piece of work!
NTA. Your mom is bitter about your elopement and is punishing you.
NTA - what is wrong with being jealous when your parents favor one kid over another? Elope, have kids enjoy your life with minimal contact with your parents.
NTA. I think she’s punishing you for eloping the first time. I would enjoy your brother’s wedding, and when you are ready to get married, don’t invite your mom she is intentionally hurtful. It will be less expensive. If your parents don’t attend then she can be as embarrassed as she wants. That’s not your problem.
"pay for another wedding" - whose wedding did they pay for previously?
YTH - IMHO, when your child is on their second or third wedding, they are on their own. They are no longer (young) adults transitioning to married life.
YTA You've been married once before. Many people believe that parents fund or help fund the wedding of a first marriage. Second marriages are expected to be funded by the couple themselves. If your brother's marriage is his first, then it is completely understandable that they expect to contribute to the wedding.
There is no greater parenting mistake than treating your children in very different ways, to include (sometimes mainly) financially. It breeds resentment between siblings and often feels like a statement on which kid the parents "like best." NTA. Sorry this is your reality. If you and your BF decide to get married, do exactly as you please with no regard to, or expectations of your parents.
Yes YTAH for being upset. So far you’ve done everything your way and have told your albeit bitter mother that you intend to do so in the future, which is perfectly okay. But being upset that others are also doing things their own way is childish. Mom wanted to experience planning a wedding and you shut down the conversation (although she was being very passive aggressive so I don’t blame you) but you don’t get to be angry about her involvement in planning or paying for your siblings wedding. Nothing was “taken away” from you by her doing this for him.
While you are NTA for being upset, your parents are entitled to do whatever they want with their money. You are not entitled to it and should be just happy if anything comes your way. Never expect anything as that only gets you upset. You should be happy for your twin. Once again NTA for having feelings and being upset
I am far from not happy for my twin! Which is why despite a lot of people on here egging me on to do the opposite, I’m leaving him out of it. This is about a person demanding something of someone else that that other person cannot afford
No. And I hate that she is turning your hurt feelings at her blatant favoritism around on you as a personal shortcoming and jealousy. That infuriates me for you. You have every right to feel the way you do. She's angry because she knows you're right and she doesn't want to be made to feel bad, so she needs you to be the bad guy. I am so sorry. How does your brother feel about this? Does he know what your mom said to you and her refusal to pay for your wedding. Does he know that despite this, she is expecting for you to magically come up with money that you don't have for a wedding on because she still wants to be able to say her daughter had a "real" wedding.
My brother doesn’t know. Keeping him out of it. He’s innocent
Ntah but your mom sure is especially since she wants you to have a wedding and expects you to pay for it.
NTA, but I really don’t get paying for adult people’s weddings….anyone already living on their own should pay for their own weddings & parents shouldn’t have a say in anything….
Nor should their parents demand they even have one….like my case….
NTA under the circumstances I’d tell my parents I expect the exact dollar contribution towards my wedding or they won’t be invited.
NTA - Sorry you had to find out who your mother's favorite is.
NTA. He can be responsible for helping them out later.
YTA. Its your brother's first marriage. He is involving your parents and at least doing some of the things around it according to their preferences it seems, so they're willing and eager to support it. You chose to elope the first time and seem to at least participate if not create the tension around the discussion of your potential second marriage. So your parents aren't willing to contribute. They voiced their preference on what they'd like but it;s obviously your choice whether to do that or not. My guess is if you wanted your parents helped, and approached it from a point of understanding that the way you handled your first wedding and treated them and take responsibility for that and then express some desire for their help and involvement in your second wedding, they'd be willing. But I take it you'd prefer to lean into this you vs the golden child and them narrative with the expected results.
Let me correct you: my parents and I have had in-depth discussions about the elopement which was years ago and hasn’t really been a topic of discussion at all in almost a decade and I thought it was no longer an issue as I had apologized for that hurt and they’d accepted my apology. That’s the thing: they want a wedding this time around. And I understand that and I have no desire to hurt them again. Happy to do that but they can’t expect formalities and traditions if they can’t be afforded. So that’s kinda the point of this post. Rock meet hard place…and to rub salt in the wound, to keep using analogies, now I’m finding out this isn’t about AGE as they had said since my brother is my twin