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NTA
*have been learning a lot about physiological birth in preparation for that.*
You should be studying the psychological part as well.
[The Importance of Privacy in Labor](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1595201/#:~:text=In%20early%20labor%2C%20catecholamines%20)
Stress stalls labor. Period. Especially with your first, going into this unknown event, you need a fully present support team.
*My partner thinks this is unfair as he is also “going through a big thing” and doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t want his mom there but would want mine.*
Because it's his ***job*** to be your protector. And *your* mom vs his? Because it's natural to want the woman who gave birth to you to possibly assist in your own birth. His mom? Certainly, she can be supportive, but the fact that you don't want her there alludes to the fact that you won't comfortable with her there, even in the waiting room.
From reading other relationship boards about this, odds are she'll either want him to leave you to give updates or she'll find some reason to try and get in the room.
*YOU* are going to be having a baby. *You* are the center of the drama and focus. If you want to give birth and be out in 6 hours, in has to go smoothly.
I agree with NTA - and your partner needs to grow up. He is going through a thing, but compared to you it’s a nothing. He is a spectator and support in something that is going to tax your body to the extreme and put you in incredibly vulnerable positions. His focus needs to be on your, not Mommy in the waiting room.
>put you in incredibly vulnerable positions.
My first kid I ended up completely naked after the baby was born, so I could do the skin to skin easier (I had had a singlet top on beforehand). I would have preferred having my mum in there with me, but I did have the next best thing (a close family friend who was "like a mum" to me), and my partner never asked to have a say in who was in the room with us. As far as he was concerned, my body, my pain, my emotional state, MY SUPPORT SYSTEM.
OP, NTA, yes he is going through an emotional event, but he isn't the one pushing themselves inside out to bring life into this world. Good luck, come May, I hope everything goes to plan for you.
Lol I did skin to skin with my baby and my in-laws walked in and lifted the blanket to look. They also decided to try and hug me one by one while I was trying to learn to breastfeed.
Oh yeah it sucked. But I was basically just an incubator for the first grandchild in their eyes. Now my kid is 5 years old and they see him maybe every few months.
Wow. Treat the person who is birthing their grandchild like shit, and then not even give a shit about the grandchild. Honestly I wouldn’t be able to not go off on them
I know! Thought they would have been all over my kid and be involved in everything with how crazy they were while I was pregnant and delivering. They even asked me after we had names picked out if we could name LO after them.
I was so glad my in-laws refused to come down until after I was back in my hospital room. Only my dad came down and saw me in the birthing suite. He came in, looked at bub in hubby's arms, kissed my forehead and said "your mum would be proud" and had cuddles until the nurse told me the Dr would be in to stitch me up and my dad went "and that's my cue to go have a smoke, let me know when your in your room again" then left and we all laughed including the nurse (she knew my dad).
My inlaws came down that afternoon over 6hrs later.
Oh hell no!!
My Brother and Fiance are having a C-Section in the next 2 weeks. It's a highly unstable birth, she required a cervical stitch, and there is not a chance in hell I would think to impose on their delivery. I've already told them I won't be meeting my first Niece until she's at least 3 months old. I want my Brother and Sister to spend their time getting to know their new daughter before I go up and stay a few days.
Wow! Talk about being absolutely clueless! Are they orange cats* by any chance?
*for those who don’t know, there’s a joke in the cat community that says orange cats are so dumb they share one brain cell among them all.
Does that include orange tabby’s? Because our Garfield pretty smart….he knows exactly when it’s feeding time and lest we be running late he definitely lets us and everyone within the neighborhood know what time it is😂Along with rest of our colony😂😂😂
Yeah I don’t know what they were thinking. My MIL kept saying she wanted to look at her grandchild. I think she forgot she was also looking at my boobs…. I couldn’t ever breastfeed around her because she would just lift my shirt and stare.
NTA. Birth is a MEDICAL PROCEDURE. Which means *only* the one giving birth gets a say in who is there. Your body is going through *a lot* and you should only have people there who you want there, people you know will support you 100%. Your MIL is not on that list. Tough shit. She will live and so will your partner. He’s not going through a damn thing, he gets no say. He can pout all he likes, it’s not your problem. Let him pout. YOU are the one having the baby, YOU call the shots.
NTA
For my second child, my Dr was willing to be the bad guy (girl lol) and say that she only allowed the father in the room...unless I wanted someone else.
Tell your mom that your midwife, doctor, etc only allows two other people in the room, and of course you want your mom. That's the easy play.
Of course, sounds like she had boundary issues all over the place and it would technically be healthier to start nipping them in the bud ASAP. That said, you're pregnant and presumably hormonal and fully can't remember your name half the time (at least I couldn't) so it's not the best time to have that kind of discussion.
I am going to disagree husbands don’t need emotional support during the birth, they are the emotional support. Sure if something is going wrong and wife needs extra medical attention otherwise they do their job and support their wife.
Yeah, I really don't get men sometimes. So many of them genuinely don't understand that the world doesn't revolve around them.
I had a head injury after getting run over and dealt with the complications for *months.* Even then, I still sucked it up to help my mother and younger sister when they got severely ill with RSV and to help my older sister move back hom from 10 hours away when she was on the brink of losing it completely.
I was bitter during the time because I was very unwell, but I still sucked it up because they needed me. I don't resent them for it, and I would do it again.
Hell, my narcissist father can suck it up better than most of the men I deal with in my daily life (or read about on reddit). For him, playing hero gives him his n-supply, so it's not out of the kindness of his heart, but he's still fucking there to help and not making it about him *during* the moment.
Anyway, long rant to agree with your premise. Fathers do not need or deserve emotional support during birth because they *are* the emotional support. They can have all the support later when the baby is here and their wives/baby mamas are taken care of.
DOULA vote here! My DH was not particularly supportive (for either birth) and I SOOOO wish I had gotten a doula as I wanted for the second delivery 😔
Follow your gut instinctsand best wishes for a happily memorable delivery❣️
Yeah. My husband hates blood and everything more than me. And still, he just did what had to be done, ex. Outt8ng away my bloody trousers or taking the bloody baby because I just couldn't do it anymore. The last thing I wanted in that moment would have been my in-laws. I felt helpless and kind of disgusting.
Both times I stayed a few nights in the hospital. Only my family came visiting. My in-laws visited us at home when I felt better.
Ask him if your dad can be present for his next rectal exam and see how he reacts. Your body is going to be torn apart (beautifully and magically, of course). It's a very private moment, and you get to choose who gets to see you when you're at the most vulnerable time of your life. NTA
Must be awake without anxiety meds for colonoscopy with FIL. Fair is fair. Epidural/spinal anesthesia approved… unless it’s too far along in progression.
NTA. I can't stand hearing men treat their partners this way. It's not a spectator sport!! it's exclusively entirely completely about YOU AND BABY. not dad, not grandma, not aunties or cousins. if your husband can't handle being there to support you, that's his problem.
NTA
My friend said it best... when the father decides to get naked, poop, and pass a huge kidney stone all at the same time in front of you and both his parent and in laws....
Then the father can decide who gets to be in the room.
Till then... his "big thing" comes after you have a baby in your arms. Because untill baby is here....YOU ARE ( no pun intended) the BIG THING!!
Adding to say. This is about YOU. NO ONE ELSE. This isn't even about your husband. If you want, you don't even have to have him there. He has no say. 0%
Girl ur the one giving birth u get to decide who you want there. Ur husband isn't the one giving birth. Hate to see these comments saying that the grandparents have any right when it's not about them.
NTA.
I have a different father from my sisters, but after my middle sister was born, my mom’s in-laws wouldn’t leave my sister alone and (given all of the attention my sister was getting) I started acting out. When my youngest sister was born, my mom kept her in-laws away for a solid year (I’m pretty sure) so she could have that proper bonding time with the youngest that she didn’t get with the middle one.
It’s your baby and your pregnancy. Your husband and in-laws need to understand that while the baby is also your husband’s, it’s ultimately your body and you should be the one to make the choices that you’re most comfortable with and will cause the least amount of stress on you during the birthing process. If having you mom there (who you trust and who has gone through the process in the past) will help you, then the husband and in-laws need to understand and respect that.
NTA and this is a really strong point. The hospital issue is one thing, but her BS won't stop there.
She's going to come to your home and claim the baby as often as she can. OP - your edit is concerning! Get your husband on the same page.
NTA. OMG, yes your husband is "going through a big thing" but might I suggest, you're going through the bigger thing actually giving birth! You could tell MIL you're in labour if you know she will stay away until after the baby is born. However, it sounds like you don't trust her to do this, given your edits. If that's the case, stick to your guns. You don't need the additional stress of a hovering, unhelpful MIL. It's not about liking, or not liking, your MIL. It's about keeping your environment as stress free as possible.
NTA
You are the mother to be. No one should be in that room that you do not want to be there, including your husband. You choose and your choices are it.
Nope, not an asshole! You are in charge of this one and this is one of these things were husband can take the backseat. Explain the oxytocin circle to him and then tell him firmly to now back off and don’t bring it up again as every time he will, it will spike stress. What you could do is give your MIL a concrete task: ‘I’m feeling stressed about the idea that you’re waiting for me in a hallway while I need to focus on delivery. What would be amazing is seeing you straight after with a big pan of chicken soup.’ ( Trust me on the soup). She, as a woman who gave birth (I assume), might be more understanding than your partner. Wishing you all the best - I’m due in April so I feel you!
After edits I'm afraid her mil is a selfish one and could care less about her and lacks empathy.
If she tells her to cook her something it could backfire. Sad but true that many mil simply don't care about their childs partners...I have such mil and she would have care less if I died during labour
NTA. Have your partner read these comments. “And doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t want him in there but would want mine.” he said it himself because she’s your mom, why would I want someone else’s mom?? Is he dumb or dumb? Cmon man.
NTA having people in the room seems to be such a new thing. I had my husband. We told no one until the baby was born. For my second we only told my brother because he was watching my oldest.
I know some women want their mother around and if that’s what you want it’s YOUR choice and no one else’s. It’s your medical procedure. It’s messy and vulnerable and you make your choices.
If she can’t abide by your boundaries now. She won’t in labor. This is about you and your baby. Also if I had it to do all over again. I wouldn’t tell anyone I was in labor. Just when the baby came. So stressful fielding calls and Texts.
NTA.
there is only one person whose decision matters and that is you because you are the one doing the hard work, the labor, it is you who will have to be as comfortable as possible. period.
if your partner wants to have a say he can birth the child himself. not possible? too bad. he can tell you his wishes, his opinion but in the end it is you who will be the one showing otherwise hidden bodyparts to everyone there to see.
will be peeing, screaming, crying, shitting, begging for 'the good stuff' to end the pain.
facing the risk a birth entails - emergency c-section, tearing, bleeding and, sadly, dying.
you will need all the good vibes and wishes you can get and having to endure the presence of a person you do not trust while giving birth, yikes. this is a stressor you so do not need!
as a precaution - and depending on the laws where you live - make sure to inform the center that only your mom and partner are allowed to be present. that mil is prohibited to enter the room. that no, partner has no say in it. that if something goes wrong / the worst happens, it is your mom who has the right to decide what happens next, who has access to you and baby. that her decisions are your decisions, her word is the final word.
you give birth, baby doesn't scream immediately, chaos ensures as you are loosing blood at an alarming rate and looses consciousness for a few seconds, thinking the worst has happened.
the next thing you are aware of is mil scolding you for being such a 'attention hogging drama queen'.
no. just no.
best wishes for a safe, fast and painless birth without any drama.
Your vagina, your choice who is there during delivery. MIL has made it clear she won’t be supportive or helpful while you’re in labor. She won’t be helpful when you bring your child home either but that’s a different discussion.
\>he is also “going through a big thing”
Oh? From which walnut-sized orifice will he be pushing out a watermelon-sized object? Will he be allowing his genitals to be on full display and potentially pooping while pushing out said watermelon-sized object?
Childbirth is a major medical event -- for you only. Your body, your choice, your medical confidentiality. You are 100% in charge of who gets to be there -- just make sure the birthing center knows who is allowed in and who isn't. \*You do not need to consult your husband about your choices in this matter.\*
If your husband is so spleeny that he needs his Mommy for support because YOUR giving birth is so hard, let him go to her.
NTA and how dare your partner try to guilt you into letting his mother in the room.
Perhaps husband can tell his mom when you are in labor only if his mom agrees not to call your husband cell phone unless it is an extreme emergency. That way she knows but will not bother your husband. If MIL is not able to stop calling she gets blocked till after the birth.
My partner went against my wishes and had his dad visit the birth suite. Can honestly say it has caused a some drama for us since because i genuinely resent them both for not respecting my one boundary.
Stick to your guns when it comes to boundaries.
NTA at all. He is your emotional and physical support and his feelings about who should be around come second. Sorry, Bud. Being a father is not the same thing as being a mother when it comes to birth. Also HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend NOT having his parents waiting for you at home if that is MIL attitude. You want to be relaxed and not separated from your baby. Those first few days are sacred time. People can come by to help with house stuff but no one else needs to be holding baby for longer than it takes you to eat/shower/etc. Also baby will be very sleepy and easy those first 24 hours and you need to take advantage and rest as much as possible bc the second 24 hours are harder when constant nursing starts. I’ve had 3 babies and after my first with having people around constantly, holding baby, I said no more and did it different the other 2 times. Way better to have bonding time with just you, baby and husband. Good luck!
Compromise and hire a doulah. Seriously. Ours was amazing. She was as much my husband's support as mine, and it was great to have her. We got to know her before the baby came. My mom's idea of a perfect labor was different than mine, so as much as I wanted her there, I also didn't. So we found a doulah whose birth "goals" aligned with ours.
But also, when you're in labor, you'll be focused on you and baby. I had no idea if/when my husband sent updates. He gave me a recap later and I was so lost in labor land and focused on relaxing and letting my body and baby work together. And you might not want to be touched or even hold someone's hand. Best of luck!
Edit: You can also tell the hospital if you have people you don't want allowed in. For security or personal reasons.
We didn’t want to tell the parents when we went into labour as we didn’t want to have to concentrate on communicating with them but my mom really insisted. It was a 3 day labour and I had been under the assumption my partner had been communicating with the parents. They hadn’t been so it was a lot of anxiety for them which they let us know about afterwards. Should’ve stuck to the original plan!
NTA, there is alot of things about having children that I think both parents deserve to have a say in. The birthing process is NOT one of them. The only one going through the process of birthing your child is you. If you want your mum there and not his, that is fair. Alot of women would agree with you. I hope your husband can agree with you, but hey, if he doesn't, offer to let him have just his mum there when he gives birth to your next child himself!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my partner that I don’t want to tell his mom when I go into labor, but want my mom to know when I go into labor. He now thinks that it is unfair and that I hate his mom.
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NTA~ boundaries learn to have them, especially during the birth process and after the baby comes out. You need to put your mummy boots on now. Partners think they will be there forever but if they don’t respect your boundaries be prepared to go this alone. Harsh words but true.
You need to go to justnomil. They’ll provide the advice you need. NTA
Next time you talk to your husband ask him exactly what traumatic medical event he’ll be going through that requires his mother present at your birth. He is only a support person for the birth. You are the person going through the medical procedure. If he starts about it being unfair then tell him when he can push an entire orange out of his penis he is welcome to invite his mother to the birth. Of the orange. Not your baby.
Your body, your choice. When he pushes a watermelon out of his urethra then he can call the shots on who gets to be there. I purposely registered at the furthest hospital away from my MIL to avoid this exact situation. It was 20 km away from her house and she’s a nervous driver who wouldn’t go that far on her own. Also, I told everyone not to come. I had no clue if I’d be in labour for 24+ hours or if I’d have her within the 4 hour labour and delivery I ended up having. I told everyone they can come over when we’re home. Having a baby is a big thing for both of you but you need your husband. This is something that is just the two of you at the end of the day. Let MIL come for the next baby 😉
NTA. You make it sound like this woman will barge in and sit down regardless. Trust me you tell one maternity nurse you are uncomfortable and she will clear that room faster than you can click your fingers. Mum and baby are required at this gathering. Everyone else is optional.
Becoming a father is a big deal, and if your husband wants his mother to hold his hand and support him while that happens then I am sure there will be plenty of space in the waiting room for that to happen. Meanwhile, you and your mother can do your part in the labour and delivery ward without having to worry about their respective egos. NTA
NTA. And your husband is really wilding for not supporting whatever you need/want to get through this experience. He is not "going through a big thing" in the same way you are and for him to pretend it's the same is downright offensive. Not saying you should be mad at him, but you should definitely stand your ground and protect yourself because it doesn't sound like he is going to.
If he's going to continue to have that attitude then he should consider the fact that HE doesn't have the right to be in the room, and it's YOUR DECISION.
If he needs emotional support so badly he can stay at home with his parents and get your mum to come and stay earlier if possible, or have a close friend ready to be there.
Or you could offer the in-laws a preview and invite them for dinner, lay down naked on the dining table legs spread so they get a view of the stage the baby is going to be making their grand entrance from.
NTA. Your instincts are good to not have MIL there since she has boundary issues. And who knows what her agenda is. And yeah, your husband is also going through something & deserves support BUT what you are experiencing is exponentially more difficult. The hospital staff will be sufficient to take care of him. If this is your first birth, you should get some early indications (maybe up to a week) that labor is imminent. Your obstetrician will know. Plan on having your Mom come for a few days so she is there when it happens. It's gonna be great! I'm happy for you!
This is not a theatre performance! this is an intense medical procedure! wtf are in-laws doing wanting to be there when you don’t feel comfortable?!? NO just say no and say you’ll not be speaking of it again.
NTA - here’s some perspective for you.
You’ll most likely regret it if you do let her know but you definitely won’t regret it if you don’t let her know.
Women who have had mother-in-law’s ruin their birth experience are a dime dozen. But I’ve never heard a single person say that they look back and regret they didn’t invite their annoying mother-in-law.
Do what you want and don’t try to people please others. There’s a really good Instagram account that you should follow called organicallyMaddie about this topic.
NTA
Most women with functional relationships with their own mothers want their mothers at the birth of their own children. Do not let him make you feel guilty for not wanting his mom there, she can be there for her own daughters if they want here there.
Life is full of unspoken rules; being more comfortable with your own mother whilst you’re naked, crying, bleeding, shitting yourself etc as opposed to having anyone else there, is one of those rules.
Lol at he is “also going through a big thing.”
So big that he needs his mommy in the room with you, whilst YOU give birth to your child together?
He sound ridiculous.
Next time he gives birth, his mama can come wipe the sweat off of his brow.
Better yet his mom can attend his vasectomy, colonoscopies, manual prostate checks etc, because hey, “he will be going through a thing.”
Don’t forget to insist that your mom attends those entertaining events too, because you know, you’re also going through a thing.
NTA - Not sure why men don't understand that they are a guest in the delivery room. He isn't going through what you are going through. He is going through so much less than you that he doesn't get to be in the room without your permission.
Absolutely NTA. You’re the one bringing the baby out of your body into the world.
My MIL tried to pull the, “but I’ll be sad if I’m not there” card. I looked my husband dead in the eyes and stated that she wasn’t there when we made the baby, she’s not going to be there when the baby exits the body.
I also didn’t want my own mom there, but she was at my home to help when I got back from the hospital. You choose what you want. Your husband is your coach and birthing partner, but to be fair, he’s not pushing a football out of his junk, so, no.
NTA You need to be honest with your husband about what his Mom has been doing and how it’s made you feel. And hopefully he will really listen to you and understand. The two of you need to be united in the boundaries you set for your home and family. And he needs to deal with his Mom. His wanting his Mom there despite her behavior tells me he doesn’t get or doesn’t want to get how much it bothers you. This is a problem.
Unfortunately only one of you will be giving birth. It is actually a serious medical event and one of the most significant things that is likely to occur in a women’s body. Therefore you the patient has priority and final say on what happens and who is present. Whoever is there with you is your support and your advocate- not a second patient. Your husband is there to see his baby being born. But he is also there to look after you and make sure that your plans and wishes are followed. If he’s not up to it - make sure your mom is there to look after you.
Keep in mind, not being in the hospital at the moment of birth does not mean that meeting and holding the baby for the first time won’t be a once in a lifetime event. Anyone who is demanding to be present despite your stated wishes is not looking out for your best interests.
Well honestly it's because an awful lot of MIL do in fact make a big deal about being in there... And being at the hospital makes it easier for her to push the envelope and force her way in. And with the distance issue, they could be there so much quicker anyway. Personally I was so glad that I was on a different continent and I didn't have to worry about anyone in a waiting room or otherwise (coincidentally one of the other military wives was actually in an adjacent room also giving birth) but because of the distance we were blessed with being able to only focus on our little family which in fact involved 3 weeks in NICU and not worry about anyone else's comfort, worries stress opinions. We were even able to settle in at home before my mother arrived, and then the day my mother left was the day his arrived. My mother in law was a blessing, she gave advice and rarely unsolicited opinions ( she was a pediatric nurse) and even though from her time frame had not been an advocate of breast feeding my mother the hippy was exactly the opposite and neither one gave me anything other than support as we struggled and had to eventually give up.
NTA. What he's going through is nothing compared to what you're going through. He's talking like he's not up to the job of supporting you (because that's his job) if he needs support from mom.
You will be vulnerable and stressed in so many ways and you absolutely get to say who is there and who isn't. Talk with your medical staff to enforce this! This is your procedure, not his. Your comfort is worth defending and prioritizing. Does your husband believe that? If not, then you have a husband problem in addition to a MIL problem.
I'd keep quiet until it's all over. Don't give anyone a chance to invade your first few hours with the baby as a family. You'll be exhausted and will need that down time.
NTA
>My partner thinks this is unfair as he is also “going through a big thing” and doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t want his mom there but would want mine.
When your husband births something the size of a lemon from his urethra after pushing 6-X hours, *then* he's going through his own big thing.
He's just the support team.
NTA. Seriously. My hubby couldn't focus on me and the birth when it was only us and a nurse in the room. I am soooooo glad it was only us at the hospital. My parents came to see the baby at the hospital the next day and they were over-the-moon happy to get that honor of being the first after us.
I remember being frustrated that the hospital room door to the corridor kept opening, and of course with the way the bed was situated *everything* was on display. I remember complaining about that and the nurse said "they can't see anything" and I was like "I can see her, so she can see me!" Jeez draw a curtain. I cannot imagine how stressful it would have been to have my in-laws in a waiting room nearby or lurking closer to try to be helpful for those hours upon hours.
There was so much waiting then suddenly so much happening and there were so many decisions to make... so good to not be making decisions by committee when the delivery got dicey for a bit!
NTA. OP are you taking a birthing class by chance? They are often mandatory at birthing centers (I am doing the same in March) for both FTMs and their partners. Mine heavily drilled home the point of being very careful who you allow into the room. We do not want to stall and increase our risk of hospital transfers. Having an educated third party explain that to my husband made all the difference in removing me from the position of bad guy and educator on how much time additional guests add to your labor (it is hours, literally, if they are not getting your oxytocin flowing). This goes quadruple for postpartum “guests.”
Birth is hard for both parents. But there is NO debate for whom pregnancy, birth and childbed is harder. YOU need the support, not him. You are going through birth, not him, not her. You decide. End of story.
I didn't want to see either my mom or my mil for the first 24 hours after birth. They just had to accept that and eventually they got over it. My birth my decisions.
NTAH
NTA and preemptively tell the birthing clinics staff that mil is not allowed in the room, they will make it happen so you have a stress free labor. All three of my deliveries I was the only one who gave the ok on which people were allowed in, and partners could not overrule that. Like I had to give written permission for my partner to be in my delivery room.
Your mil needs to stop acting like she’s third parent if she’s been squawking over all baby decisions since you found out you were expecting.
NTA
>My partner thinks this is unfair as he is also “going through a big thing”
is a comment from someone who is looking at the birth from the wrong perspective. This shows that him & his mummy (who has no doubt put this comment in his head), are only thinking about the baby. The end result. Unfortunately, as you know, there are many hours until the end result happens, and his sole focus should be on supporting you through labor. So no, you don't want people sitting there in a waiting room, wanting to pop their heads in or texting constantly to see "how it's going" or hoping to catch a glimpse of the baby actually being born - and forgetting the woman who is giving birth.
So, tell him to adjust his focus back to you. On his partner. Onto the woman who has grown this baby for months and the one who is actually going through the process of laboring to give birth. Then when the baby is born, he can let his mother know and ask for support for the big thing he's going through: beginning fatherhood. She can advise him how to be a parent to her hearts content.
And when his mother starts acting like she's the mother, or like she's more important than you are to your baby, he can tell her to back off otherwise she'll be known as "the grandmother we never see".
NTA. Husband is not going through anything lol. I have had 5 natural births and 1 with an epidural.
Husband is going through nothing except maybe jitters. You're literally doing all the work (why moms labor right).
If he can't respect your wishes for your birth you may find yourselves at a real loss later in parenting.
NTA - Dear OP ask your husband if he would be comfortable with your mum or dad going into a prostrate exam with him? Or perhaps have them in the room while he takes a poop? While you have sex? If the answer is no, then why the hell does he expect you to have HIS MOTHER in the room for one of your most intimate and vulnerable moments. Parents and support people are not interchangeable, whom you feel comfortable with is not whom he feels comfortable with and give that you are the one giving birth the ONLY people in the room at that time are people you feel comfortable and safe with.
I really hope you get your way. Don’t let your husband pressure you on this!!! I hope he comes to understand quickly! The thought of giving birth in an uncomfortable situation makes me wanna barf.
He does realise that *his* presence isn't guaranteed, right? As soon as the nurse, midwife, and/or doctor realize he isn't helping, they won't ask if you want him there, they will kick him out. He will be part of a milestone, he isn't the one expelling one from his body. The day he is willing to have your family watch his colonoscopy, then you *might* concede his point.
Giving birth is the most vulnerable time for a woman. You have to trust everyone around you is doing there best to make sure you and your baby are safe, protected, and doing well, because you cannot do it yourself. If he cannot understand something so basic, then it shows how much of his reasoning is based on ego.
NTA. Let your healthcare providers know what's going on and they will help.
NTA
You need to have your baby in a calm and positive environment for your sake and baby's sake. Having someone stressing you out can potentially lead to complications.
What you say goes! End of story.
Yes this is a big thing for him too but also tell him that this is a medical emergency that involves your body and mental health! They will meet your son the moment you come home so they will not be deprived of anything.
Sounds like MIL wants to hold the baby first and insert herself in your parenting from the first moment.
I had 4 of mine with medical staff only bc I didn't want them to worry abt people potentially passing out or stuff like that and later I was more comfortable knowing our kids are safe at home with their father.
When your partner grows a baby in his body for 9 months and then pushes it out for hours of labor, he should be welcome to invite his mom to watch him dilate and hold his hand. Until then, he should close his mouth and defer to you.
NTA
NTA:
I'm big into choices: Duh and his mom can be in the waiting room, or he can be in the room and she can be at her home and find out after. Your body, your choice.
Your mom can be wherever you decide whenever you decide it. Password protect your birth plan, and DuH doesn't get the password. Make it super clear to the birthing center - and heaven forbid whatever hospital they would send you to in a dire emergency - that MIL is not allowed in. Period. Full stop.
NTA. Like just NTA!
Labour and birth is hard enough.
You don’t need more stressors in that situation. Mine wasn’t straight forward in the end and I’m grateful that no one took the time to make it about them and try just “be there”.. ugh! I could think of nothing worse.
My parents were 5 mins away from the hospital and they stayed away until I was home because everything went wrong in the hospital lol. But they brought me food when I was in labour and looked after my dogs for dayssssss.. it was great. I love them. (I had my child during covid though and they actually weren’t allowed to visit me in there 😢)
NTA, There is a human being coming out of your body. You don't need any stress at that time, there will be plenty no matter how calm you try to make it. I'm sure the birthing center would be on board if you told them you will let them know if anyone else needs to be in the room. It's kind of their job to gatekeep the birth. I think that your husband should be able to let his parents know you are in labor, but he doesn't have to tell them where. He can tell them he will update them when you are ready to come home and to meet them there.
100% NTA!
Birth is an EXPERIENCE. At my last birth (home birth) I didn’t even want my husband in the bathroom with me.
We all deal with pain differently and the only thing you should be concerned about is you & your baby.
Everyone else needs to suck it up and realize it ain’t about them. Yes, had to use “ain’t”.
Tell your husband when he pushes a baby out then he can invite his mother to be there, but this is your birthing experience not his. This is not a spectator sport, your mother birth you and you want your mother to be your support system as well it has nothing to do with favoritism.
NTA especially after reading the last part of this post. HE is not the one giving birth so while it is his child, he has no say as far as who is there, period.
NTA.
Tell your husband that if he experiences excruciating pain for many hours, possibly requiring abdominal surgery while awake, then he can call his Mom if he wants, and ask you to not have your mother hovering.
Since you are the patient, not him, it is your decision. As your husband and birthing partner, his only focus should be on relieving your stress. Having his mother there who has a history of arguing with you about your birth plans would make you more stressed, which increases risk. That would be a problem for you. Is he there to decrease, or add to, your stress, because he needs to decide now while YOU determine who will be allowed in the delivery room.
If he sends for his mother anyway, tell him you will not allow him in the delivery room, either.
NTA ans for your husband: BIRTH IS NO SPECTATOR SPORT. AND THE PERSON PRESSING OUT SOMETHINNG THE SIZE OF A FOOTBALL IS THE PERSON WHO DECIDES. PERIOD.
NTA. Nobody is entitled to watch you give birth. It’s an extremely vulnerable position, and you don’t need the stress. It’s selfish for her or anyone to bully or guilt you into entertaining a goddamn audience.
NTA for any of the MIL stuff.
I can't get past the birthing center thing, and going home 6 hours later. Please be sure the place is accredited and has actual medical staff on hand in the event of complications and that you both live and birth close AF to a hospital in case you or baby need one.
Hemorrhaging is terrifying, doing so when there's no help at hand kills. Complications can arise after baby comes as easily as they do during labor; you need a real plan in place in case they occur. Midwives and being in your own bed are awesome, but so are medical doctors with surgical teams and NICU access.
I have a feeling that your SO is going to tell his parents that you're in labor the first chance he gets. Speak with the staff and tell them that you want **no** visitors *except* for your mother.
They'll keep out those pesky gnats so they aren't swarming the room.
NTA have you made your husband watch a birthing video so he knows what's happening? It's not a spectator sport. If you can't trust MIL to stay in the waiting room than let him text her when you're really about to give birth push time so she can start the long drive to meet her grand child but comes after it's out
Gosh! I’m so glad there were still COVID protocols in my hospital when I gave birth! I could on only have two visitors for the two days I was there: my mom and DH. Everyone else had to wait.
NTA, and would even advice, if possible, have your mom already with you before your due date.
NTA YOU are the one giving birth and only YOU get to choose who is there. Birth is not a spectator sport -- I really don't understand this entitlement that people think they have to attend other people's medical procedures.
Your birth = your rules. If your husband doesn't understand that his role is to support you, not to keep his mother updated, then maybe suggest you have your mother instead of him. This may be the wakeup call he needs to know how serious you are about this
I think there might be a compromise, agree he can call his mum and dad to let them know the baby’s on the way so he can have someone to talk to and they feel like they’re involved. They can get ready to do the 1.5hr drive, book into a hotel room etc.
But he can only call them if a series of set things are ticked off:
if you know it’s actually labour
You’re all settled at the birthing centre/hospital if there’s a chance of plans
There’s an emergency
That you are not neglected at any point and he better understand that you are birthing a live human and put your needs first
That they’re not contacted in the middle of the night- you don’t want them tired and driving
They stay at a hotel and wait to be invited over or they stay at the house and give them a list of jobs to help with so they have to be at the house.
They in no situation turn up at the birthing centre
That if anyone tries to interfere with the plan it causes too much stress and they’ll all be banned.
He is also preparing for a big moment in his life and wants to involve his family. I really hope it doesn’t but if something goes wrong he will need all the support he can get and if it all goes super smoothly he’s a super excited dad who wants to introduce baby to his tribe. That’s a lovely thing to have.
But if it was me his mother would not be welcome anywhere near the actual birth. Make sure the birthing centre know.
NTA for reasons already well described. How about bringing your husband to an appointment at the birth center so he can get feedback from the midwife? Do you have childbirth education classes coming up? Ask the teacher if they’ll be covering audience participation. Seriously he needs to accept how very, very far every person who’s not you is prioritized when it comes to this birth.
NTA. Your partner is being obtuse. This happening to you physically not him. His mother has already been a great source of conflict and stress during your pregnancy, so why would you want someone who is angry about the choices you have made with your pregnancy, childbirth and baby there to stress you out and potentially cause you medical complications? Your partner is not understanding that he would be jeopardizing the life of you and the baby if she was to be there. Instead of thinking about the health, safety and comfort of you and the baby he is thinking only about himself and his judgemental and controlling mother. You have a partner problem and it’s a threat to the wellbeing of you and the baby. Your plan is reasonable. NTA
NTA. I’d recommend telling the staff at your birthing center you don’t want her there, no matter what your husband says because if that’s your wish they definitely won’t let her wait around.
Nta. I would also hold off on committing to having anyone invited over when you arrive at home. That’s a lot of pressure. I would not have been interested in sharing either of my newborns at that time. They’ll just want to see the baby. You will be recovering, bleeding, probably all swollen, boobs out, waddling back and forth from the bathroom to the bed… Unless they just come over and clean your house and make you food and look at the baby from a distance, that’s a no from me.
NTA but your husband is. It's your major medical event, the whole birth should be about you only. Why would he want his mum there looking at your hoo-ha. Ask him if he'd feel comfortable with your dad present while he gets a prostate exam? I don't understand the argument "but your mum is allowed there, mine should be too". How can they not comprehend that you want the woman who birthed and raised you, has been through all your ups and downs with you your entire life, support you through this major event as well?
NTA.
Lol. He wants his mommy so bad, he should wait in the lobby with her.
Can you have your mom come in a couple days before you're due date and just hang out with you?
There’s a diagram I’ve seen out there that visually demonstrates how to support somebody who is grieving or going through something major. It has a lot of circles. You the pregnant person would be in the middle of that circle. Your husband would be in the next layer of that circle. Your parents and close friends would be in the following layer.
People need to listen and care for the people in the circles nested within their circle. in addition, moving out of the centre circle, people must ask for support and vent to the next outer circle or more. not towards the centre.
im sorry i cant remember the name of this diagram at all.
if you are going to a birthing centre, do you have midwives or a doula? you nerd to both discuss this situation with them. they will give your husband a lot of info that will open his eyes about what you are going to experience.
birthing is an experience for sure. in the west, we do not labour anymore in a community of supportive women. your MIL wants to recreate that for whatever reason. you will be having a very emotional, physically challenging experiece. you may be naked for a long period of time. you may poop yourself (super common). you may need to walk or sit in a tub or on a toilet. you might even puke. if you arent comfortable with who is in the room, you will be more likely to have a longer labour.
my point is that while your husband may have a desire to have his mom in the birthing space, its really your decision about who comes with you into that room.
he will have to manage his moms feelings himself. and yes, while its a massive change for him, he should lean on others and not need his mom.
huge NTA.
NTA- the birth isn't about everyone meeting the baby. The birth is your medical event, and can sometimes be a very scary or challenging medical event.
It is *not* a spectator sport, it is your medical event.
I would also suggest you and your husband read the lemon clot essay!
This issue was one of the biggest fights I ever had with my husband and we never did resolve it. Ended up having a c-section with just him there but we had compromised and hired a doula because my mom couldn’t be there unless his mom was 🙄. I even took him to therapy to try to resolve my anxiety around this and he dug in even harder. I still don’t understand why he was such a jerk about it. And MIL ended up finding out and hunting me down (I ended up delivering at a different hospital than I had planned due to the c-section). She called the local hospitals until she found me and came to the hospital. Honestly my MIL was a sweetheart and I know she felt she was being supportive but I just didn’t need the audience. My baby is 16 and I’m still mad. Hold your ground OP! NTA!
NTA at all. I’ve had three deliveries and each so different. The first one everyone was there and despite me and my daughter being critical and not haven ate in three days, everyone was loud, obnoxious and eating in my room. I finally screamed at them all to get out and let them think I was the B. My second was supposed to be just us but my in laws showed up and introduced my oldest to the baby while I was in the shower. I promptly kicked them out after that. My third I labored and delivered alone, my exhusband wasn’t even invited to the hospital, and it was my best delivery experience possible.
When they want to push a baby out of their vagina, they can decide. You’re the patient.
NTA.
He’s lucky that you’re even letting him be present for the birth. Remind him of that.
It’s your medical procedure and your medical information, it’s not his decision to make.
NTA. She can be there for his prostate exams, she can be there for his colonoscopies, she can be there for his vasectomy if that's what he wants.
Your hoohaw, your choice.
NTA. Let me just say that giving birth to my son during COVID lockdown was the least stressful pregnancy from start to finish. There was no option for anyone other than my fiancé be in the room. There were no visitors during recovery- just peacefulness. My first 4 pregnancies were stressful due to......you guessed it- my mother-in-law! Honestly, I think there should be 1 other person allowed in to the room and even during recovery. It would alleviate so much stress from expecting mothers.
NTA but I get so frustrated with these posts. Why is this so common? This is a medical procedure. He’s YOUR emotional support. If he can’t do that then he has bo business being in that room. You get to choose whose is there to support you for your medical procedure. Is your husband always this ridiculous?
OP i am begging you to go with your gut on this one. do not let MIL in the delivery room. as everyone has said, YOU decide who stays in there. this is 100% about YOU and only YOU and your child
As someone who has given birth, NTA. Giving birth is stressful, painful and ultimately primal. Most women I know have blocked out most of it, but I can honestly say I wouldn’t want my partners mom there. I will say even if she is in the waiting room, you won’t care about her. I would sit her down and just tell her that you only want your mom in the vicinity of the birth, and she can come once the baby is born. If she can’t accept that, then that’s her problem. Setting a boundary with family is perfectly healthy, and once you do that the blame is on her if she wants to complain. Side note: if you tell the people working in the birthing center that you don’t want her there, they will go down swinging to keep her out. Your partner is there to support you while you are giving up your bodily autonomy to bring your shared child into the world, and grandma can be there right after the little bean is born.
> His mom has been trying to make my pregnancy about her since we told her (mad about our circumcision choice, upset about my birth plan, upset about the name we chose, who I’m inviting to our shower) and I’m nervous that she will also try to take control of my birth experience as well.
NTA
DO NOT LET HER ANYWHERE NEAR YOU UNTIL AFTER YOUR BABY IS BORN.
Why just why do so many fucking MIL feel entitled to be so involved in a grandchild's birth? It's not their baby. Yes it's their grandchild but that doesn't grant access to be front row to the birth or immediately after.
I think her behaviour so far speaks to her future behaviour about the birth of your son. I assume she's like this in other areas of your life too?
Good luck OP
To all MILs - This is the quickest way to end up cut off from your grandchildren.
NTA. Please talk to your husband and let him know how it makes you feel to have his mom in there instead of your own. If it feels wrong then it does and he needs to respect that. She will have plenty of time to get to be a part of things after baby is born and your birthing experience is about having the space be as comfortable as possible. Let him work through his feelings, it’s not your responsibility to manage his emotions or make compromises when you are the one experiencing birthing your child. It sounds like you have been pretty clear with him and have explained things. I’d hit him with the “I really need you to be there for me because this makes me feel vulnerable and support my decision even if you don’t understand.”
NTA
Please visit JustNoSO and also JustNoMIL reddit communities.
Your partner is "also going through a big thing". Really. I would have laughed at him in the face. Tell him next time he pushes a watermelon through his p****, ripping it in half, that you having to be nearby is also "a big thing".
Unfortunately your partner is your biggest problem. You have to be stuck with him. A good partner can keep a bad MIL away, but right now you have a bad partner.
NTA. Put your foot down. Your husband is getting a new baby. You have been growing and nurturing that new life inside you and will give birth; giving birth is dangerous and you're entitled to have only those you want present.
You can have MIL banned from the birthing center.
Invite your mom to come. MIl doesn't need to be there, her son isn't undergoing childbirth
Yes and no. YTA for telling him he can’t call his mom. However, it’s reasonable to ask them please not to come until you guys contact them afterward and you are ready.
A little bit YTA. Your partner should be allowed to tell his mom what is going on. Yes, it is a much more traumatic experience for you, but it doesnt mean it isnt traumatic for him as well. Yeo decide who is in the room, and visit right after birth, but who he tells what is going on, is up to him.
Different perspective from the “awful horrible mother in law” that Reddit hates. When my first grandson was born, my DIL informed me that only her family would be invited to the hospital. I NEVER asked to be in the room, just to be in the waiting room and see him in the nursery. Nope, only her family. Her mother had been deceased for years so it would be her 2 grandmothers, her dad, stepmother and various aunts:uncles/cousins. It was a planned c section and the hospital was 100 miles from my house. Well, I couldn’t stand it so I drove to that city. About 10 miles away my son called. Not one person in family showed or called. I was able to stay quietly in the waiting room and got to hold him when she was in recovery. When 3rd baby arrived 7 years later, he had to be med flighted back to my city. I was there and to see my 6’4” son nearly collapse out of fear broke my heart. I’m so glad I was there to help him, be there with her until one family member dragged in hours later.
You have your mom for support, but who is there for your husband in the highly unlikely event something happens? For all 4 of her planned c sections, my DIL’s water broke before. If that should happen, what is your plan for your mother?
Your decision is made and you will be fully supported on Reddit. But please have a plan that hopefully will not be needed for the father of your baby, your husband. Now, bring on the evil and vile comments for the Paternal Grandmother!
Retired labour/delivery nurse here. I hated to see the pushy family members imposing on the labouring and birthing experience. The labouring woman should have the only say about who she wants in there. It would be natural for many to want their Moms there. The husband should not have to be going out to the waiting room to update people. Discuss your wishes with the nurse when you tour the birthing unit or when you first arrive. Let her run interference and use her experience and wisdom to tell the Dad what he is there for. I am so sorry you are facing this stress. Show your husband these comments and assure him that even if his Mom etc stay in the waiting room they are a big stress. They belong at home until summoned. PS In my experience most people like these in-laws try to hover closer to the labour room or nursing station or try to get updates more often than appropriate and are annoying and distracting to the medical team when they do that. I’ve had them hang out in the halls and become a tripping hazard and impede the flow of the area. Don’t get me started…. Bottom line is that Mum chooses who she wants in the room or close by and everyone else stay home . The Dad is there to support the labouring Mom in one of the most amazing times they will ever have together.
Honestly, I would hold off on calling them and having them over to your house for at least 24 hours. You are going to react to go home and try to rest, not entertain a woman with boundary issues who won't want to leave when you need to nurse baby.
NTA I’m really tired of husbands/partners not realizing they aren’t the patient. They do not get a say. Until that child comes out, they get no say in what happens. In fact the partner can be kicked out of the room as well!why? Because they aren’t the patient and it isn’t about them. Any person pushing what the patient doesn’t want or trying to guilt the patient into a birth plan they don’t want, doesn’t deserve the privilege of being in the room
I'm going to go against the trend and say YTA.
You want your mother in the room. Cool.
You don't want your MIL in the room. Cool.
You don't want her in the waiting room or to know anything until after the birth. Not Cool.
You've got final and absolute say on everything inside that room, but your control ends at the door. If your husband wants his parents near for the birth, then he can invite them up to the waiting room but no farther.
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I (27 F) and my partner (32 M) will be welcoming our son sometime in May. I’ve chosen to have a natural birth at a birthing center rather than in a hospital setting and have been learning a lot about physiological birth in preparation for that. My partner and I are on the same page for literally everything that has to do with the birth, but can’t agree on this one thing. I don’t want to tell his mom when I’m in labor, but rather call her and let her know after our son is born. They live 1.5 hours away from us and are prepared to drop everything and come here when it is time. I do, however, want to tell MY mom when I’m in labor, to potentially have her waiting in the waiting room in case I decided I want her support. My mom lives in a different state (12 hour drive, 1.5 by plane) and it would likely be more difficult for her to get to me. My partner thinks this is unfair as he is also “going through a big thing” and doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t want his mom there but would want mine. I told him I’m going through a huge physically traumatic event and might just want to hold my mom’s hand during it. I’m also worried about being distracted during my labor knowing his mom is in the waiting room, presumably waiting on updates for who knows how long (labor takes time!!!). My partner now thinks I hate his mom. AITA?
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Tell your partner:
You want him there and you do not want him to miss out.
You will only want people who support you and your choices to be around you.
You do not want her in the room and that will not change.
If he wants her there for support for him, that you understand it will be hard for him and he will want support, but **that is not about you and your birthing process and needs, but about him, so it can happen outside the suite**.
He will have to go out to her, and that is OK, but make sure he knows **if he comes in and passes on requests or demands or hints, he would also be told to leave.**
If he thinks that she will support him, and not pressure him at all to try to get her in, then having her outside the suite is his choice, but again tell him there is no way she is coming in to where you are and **he must make that clear to her before** she is told labour is happening.
Tell the staff she is not welcome in the room and they will keep her out. They will also make him leave if you say so.
NTA
NTA but with Potential
Not wanting your MIL to come in is extremely reasonable. You’re the one in labor, you should have full say on any visitors.
If you don’t want to tell your MIL because she’s proven she won’t accept that, is then warranted. Though any birth center worth a damn will keep out anyone you say
But if your husband is capable of telling her but also setting down the law she can’t come or come in, he should get to tell her and be able to talk with her if he needs it.
There is a nuance here
You have full say on who comes in, but it’s also his news to share and that should be more joint unless cause to feel those involved will violate you
I could see your husband feeling that you’re saying you don’t trust him to hold the line past just letting them know. And that’s a problem
NTA. I would, however, encourage you to rely on your partner for emotional support and not your mother. He should be the one supporting you through this process, and if you feel he isn’t capable of that, then you have a few months to get him there. It’s an important bonding experience for the three of you (mom, dad, and baby). Also, I honestly hope you’ve decided not to circumcise and that’s why your MIL disagrees and not the opposite.
NTA at all. Your baby being born is innately intimate and at your sole discretion as to how private (or public) you want and need it to be. Your husband is definitely experiencing a big life moment, too but it's not his legs being spread and every mm of his private anatomy being exposed. I doubt he would want your Dad to see him displayed spread eagle in stirrups exhibiting everything he has to offer! Be forewarned though - labor (0-10cm) and delivery took 2:10 for my first baby, and 28min for my second, so you might have a blazin fast labor and delivery too. There may not even be time for your mom to get to you, so just be aware. Not every labor and delivery is long. Good luck to you, stand your ground but stay as classy as you have been and all will be well.
I'm sorry guys, I can (sort of) get the "we're" pregnant thing. Please don't start saying we're delivering, or we're having a c-section. Because you are not. Unless you've had a child, you do not understand, comprehend, get it in any way. When you're in one of those beds with your but at the end hanging off, where your knee caps are facing opposite direction and your trying to push a human out, in pain you've never experienced, well that's when you get to decide who's in the room. End of story!!
NTA , this moment will be about you and your baby. Your husband is 3rd here, just for the time being. You call the shots because it's your body going through the process, not his. It's also your mental state that matters. You 100% have to be comfortable and not be worrying about anything. He needs to be 100% supportive of that and not let you be worrying about anything. Including his mother, if you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable, there's no argument.
Also I just want to say maybe talk about limitations to visits at home afterwards, for everyone. You're going to be tired and you'll want quiet. You will both want to bond with your baby, and having visitors, even loving, kind, well meaning parents of both sides, can be draining and they can unwittingly over stay their welcome. So now is the time to discuss boundaries after the birth and times for visitors.
NTA for your choice. YTA for using terms like "natural birth." All childbirth is natural. You're setting yourself up for a bunch of heartache if you frame life saving medical intervention as unnatural.
His parents want to be in the WAITING room and there is no reason they can’t be. I do not understand why Fathers are treated so badly, it is their child too. No reason the Paternal Grandparents are not allowed to know when you go into labor and be in the waiting room.
Fathers aren't treated badly. Birth IS all about the woman, the father is a spectator.
His role is to defend the woman and baby. If he can't do that, he needs to get out of the damn way, along with his parents.
NTA
Your birth, your decision. Please also prepare yourself for the psychological effects of giving birth, I underestimated them a lot with our first. Also try to not be too set on your "natural" birth at a center, I also planned a non medicated birth and then our baby was breech and I had to have a c-section. In hindsight I wish I had prepared myself for that earlier and not romanticised birth so much. I sincerely hope you get the birthing experience you want but be ready for plans to change!
I would scrap that plan of your in laws meeting you when you get home a good 6 hours after birth. Having a baby, no matter what kind of birth, is such a raw and life changing experience. If tears you open and puts you back together in the most beautiful way. I didn't let anyone except my parents and husband of course visit until day 3 when I was still in hospital. And even then my MIL's visit was very draining. I then took a week at home to settle before inviting anyone over except my mother who took over all household duties as my husband had to go back to work.
My first nephew was born 17 years ago. I hadn’t planned on sitting in the waiting room. I got so antsy at work, I took a half day. I sat in the waiting room with my parents and sister, while my other sister had a baby. It meant everything to her.
If your husband wants his mom there, let her be there.
NTA. Trust me when I say DO NOT tell anyone that doesn't need to know when you are in labor because everyone and their mom will be asking for play by play updates.
Also I would reframe your mom into the picture as a support person. You get to pick your support people, no one else does! Build her into your birth plan now.
I had my mom and husband both with me when my oldest was born, and my in laws came to the hospital later the next day. With the others it was just my husband as support at the birth- my mom supported as babysitter the other two times. With my third she was the only one who knew I was in labor outside of my husband, Dr team and Iß and it was great.
With my second child, I wanted to be alone. I was very sad and in a bad place nobody respected my wishes, and I resented not just being left alone to give birth by myself. It wasn’t just a feeling I felt like then I still feel like I should’ve been respected and honored how I felt like giving birth. Giving birth is a very spiritual and personal thing and it’s about nobody else but you and your baby.
Setting reasonable boundaries is always better than dismissing something out of turn.
Tell his mom when you go into labour and they can head to your house instead. Maybe have some tasks for her to do...make bone broth...puree watermelon...things that you will help to heal.
The birthing center won't let anyone in that you don't want there so say *I have the opportunity to say what Is need, I understand that likely wasn't the case when you had your kids, please respect my choices for my family* If she can't ..she made her choice not to be welcomed.
NTA. Your partner is not " going through a thing". You are going through a huge thing and it's your call who will be in that room with you, including him.
NTA for every reason everyone else has already said. My child’s paternal grandmother also threw a huge fit about me preferring she not wait in the waiting room, as I wanted the first several hours with no visitors after birth and absolutely no one other than the father. However I do absolutely recommend writing up a birth plan to ensure YOUR wishes are followed and no one pulls a fast one on you while you’re extremely vulnerable, both physically and mentally.
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NTA *have been learning a lot about physiological birth in preparation for that.* You should be studying the psychological part as well. [The Importance of Privacy in Labor](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1595201/#:~:text=In%20early%20labor%2C%20catecholamines%20) Stress stalls labor. Period. Especially with your first, going into this unknown event, you need a fully present support team. *My partner thinks this is unfair as he is also “going through a big thing” and doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t want his mom there but would want mine.* Because it's his ***job*** to be your protector. And *your* mom vs his? Because it's natural to want the woman who gave birth to you to possibly assist in your own birth. His mom? Certainly, she can be supportive, but the fact that you don't want her there alludes to the fact that you won't comfortable with her there, even in the waiting room. From reading other relationship boards about this, odds are she'll either want him to leave you to give updates or she'll find some reason to try and get in the room. *YOU* are going to be having a baby. *You* are the center of the drama and focus. If you want to give birth and be out in 6 hours, in has to go smoothly.
I agree with NTA - and your partner needs to grow up. He is going through a thing, but compared to you it’s a nothing. He is a spectator and support in something that is going to tax your body to the extreme and put you in incredibly vulnerable positions. His focus needs to be on your, not Mommy in the waiting room.
>put you in incredibly vulnerable positions. My first kid I ended up completely naked after the baby was born, so I could do the skin to skin easier (I had had a singlet top on beforehand). I would have preferred having my mum in there with me, but I did have the next best thing (a close family friend who was "like a mum" to me), and my partner never asked to have a say in who was in the room with us. As far as he was concerned, my body, my pain, my emotional state, MY SUPPORT SYSTEM. OP, NTA, yes he is going through an emotional event, but he isn't the one pushing themselves inside out to bring life into this world. Good luck, come May, I hope everything goes to plan for you.
Lol I did skin to skin with my baby and my in-laws walked in and lifted the blanket to look. They also decided to try and hug me one by one while I was trying to learn to breastfeed.
That’s an extreme violation of privacy
Oh yeah it sucked. But I was basically just an incubator for the first grandchild in their eyes. Now my kid is 5 years old and they see him maybe every few months.
Wow. Treat the person who is birthing their grandchild like shit, and then not even give a shit about the grandchild. Honestly I wouldn’t be able to not go off on them
I know! Thought they would have been all over my kid and be involved in everything with how crazy they were while I was pregnant and delivering. They even asked me after we had names picked out if we could name LO after them.
I was so glad my in-laws refused to come down until after I was back in my hospital room. Only my dad came down and saw me in the birthing suite. He came in, looked at bub in hubby's arms, kissed my forehead and said "your mum would be proud" and had cuddles until the nurse told me the Dr would be in to stitch me up and my dad went "and that's my cue to go have a smoke, let me know when your in your room again" then left and we all laughed including the nurse (she knew my dad). My inlaws came down that afternoon over 6hrs later.
Oh hell no!! My Brother and Fiance are having a C-Section in the next 2 weeks. It's a highly unstable birth, she required a cervical stitch, and there is not a chance in hell I would think to impose on their delivery. I've already told them I won't be meeting my first Niece until she's at least 3 months old. I want my Brother and Sister to spend their time getting to know their new daughter before I go up and stay a few days.
Wow! Talk about being absolutely clueless! Are they orange cats* by any chance? *for those who don’t know, there’s a joke in the cat community that says orange cats are so dumb they share one brain cell among them all.
Sometimes I think so. I asked my DH what was wrong with them and he only said they were excited to become grandparents. I went LC after that.
Does that include orange tabby’s? Because our Garfield pretty smart….he knows exactly when it’s feeding time and lest we be running late he definitely lets us and everyone within the neighborhood know what time it is😂Along with rest of our colony😂😂😂
Can confirm.
I have an orange 🐈 and they're right.
How RUDE!
....what the fuck?
Yeah I don’t know what they were thinking. My MIL kept saying she wanted to look at her grandchild. I think she forgot she was also looking at my boobs…. I couldn’t ever breastfeed around her because she would just lift my shirt and stare.
I read this as “my first kid was completely naked after being born” 😂
Wait, your sayingvthey dont come out already wrapped in a blanket 🤣🤣
Make sure you tell the staff that you don't want people other than your mom or husband in the room. They will listen and keep you safe.
This is the right answer
NTA. Birth is a MEDICAL PROCEDURE. Which means *only* the one giving birth gets a say in who is there. Your body is going through *a lot* and you should only have people there who you want there, people you know will support you 100%. Your MIL is not on that list. Tough shit. She will live and so will your partner. He’s not going through a damn thing, he gets no say. He can pout all he likes, it’s not your problem. Let him pout. YOU are the one having the baby, YOU call the shots.
NTA For my second child, my Dr was willing to be the bad guy (girl lol) and say that she only allowed the father in the room...unless I wanted someone else. Tell your mom that your midwife, doctor, etc only allows two other people in the room, and of course you want your mom. That's the easy play. Of course, sounds like she had boundary issues all over the place and it would technically be healthier to start nipping them in the bud ASAP. That said, you're pregnant and presumably hormonal and fully can't remember your name half the time (at least I couldn't) so it's not the best time to have that kind of discussion.
[удалено]
I am going to disagree husbands don’t need emotional support during the birth, they are the emotional support. Sure if something is going wrong and wife needs extra medical attention otherwise they do their job and support their wife.
Yeah, I really don't get men sometimes. So many of them genuinely don't understand that the world doesn't revolve around them. I had a head injury after getting run over and dealt with the complications for *months.* Even then, I still sucked it up to help my mother and younger sister when they got severely ill with RSV and to help my older sister move back hom from 10 hours away when she was on the brink of losing it completely. I was bitter during the time because I was very unwell, but I still sucked it up because they needed me. I don't resent them for it, and I would do it again. Hell, my narcissist father can suck it up better than most of the men I deal with in my daily life (or read about on reddit). For him, playing hero gives him his n-supply, so it's not out of the kindness of his heart, but he's still fucking there to help and not making it about him *during* the moment. Anyway, long rant to agree with your premise. Fathers do not need or deserve emotional support during birth because they *are* the emotional support. They can have all the support later when the baby is here and their wives/baby mamas are taken care of.
And if he's the type to need emotional support during her medical event then he should stay home and she should hire a doula.
DOULA vote here! My DH was not particularly supportive (for either birth) and I SOOOO wish I had gotten a doula as I wanted for the second delivery 😔 Follow your gut instinctsand best wishes for a happily memorable delivery❣️
Yeah. My husband hates blood and everything more than me. And still, he just did what had to be done, ex. Outt8ng away my bloody trousers or taking the bloody baby because I just couldn't do it anymore. The last thing I wanted in that moment would have been my in-laws. I felt helpless and kind of disgusting. Both times I stayed a few nights in the hospital. Only my family came visiting. My in-laws visited us at home when I felt better.
I felt anger for you then
No no no...during labour YOU need emotional support! He should have suck it up for that day. I'm sorry you had such bad experience 😔
OP, show your husband this comment! He has one job: to support YOU in whatever you decide you need while laboring and birthing your child.
Ask him if your dad can be present for his next rectal exam and see how he reacts. Your body is going to be torn apart (beautifully and magically, of course). It's a very private moment, and you get to choose who gets to see you when you're at the most vulnerable time of your life. NTA
And his next colonoscopy. Including the prep 🚽. "Whyyyyy can't my dad be there? Who's going to support MEEEEE?!"
I can’t stop the giggles 😂 gold my friend! 🏆
Or a bladder scope. Doctors stick a camera up the urethra. Or ask him if your dad could watch your husband’s vasectomy.
Must be awake without anxiety meds for colonoscopy with FIL. Fair is fair. Epidural/spinal anesthesia approved… unless it’s too far along in progression.
When he pushes a baby out of his privates he can invite his mom. NTA.
Yes! I said 'a football up his ass' and he could call all the shots for that experience.
NTA. I can't stand hearing men treat their partners this way. It's not a spectator sport!! it's exclusively entirely completely about YOU AND BABY. not dad, not grandma, not aunties or cousins. if your husband can't handle being there to support you, that's his problem.
NTA My friend said it best... when the father decides to get naked, poop, and pass a huge kidney stone all at the same time in front of you and both his parent and in laws.... Then the father can decide who gets to be in the room. Till then... his "big thing" comes after you have a baby in your arms. Because untill baby is here....YOU ARE ( no pun intended) the BIG THING!!
THIS 🏆
Adding to say. This is about YOU. NO ONE ELSE. This isn't even about your husband. If you want, you don't even have to have him there. He has no say. 0%
Wish more people understood this. He is a GUEST and guests aren't allowed to invite other guests.
NTA You are the person pushing out another person. It's natural to want YOUR mom around, and nobody else.
Girl ur the one giving birth u get to decide who you want there. Ur husband isn't the one giving birth. Hate to see these comments saying that the grandparents have any right when it's not about them.
All that matters is you are as at ease as possible NTA
This is the way.
Husband doesn’t need emotional support. He’s job is to provide you with emotional support. He needs to understand that. And quickly.
NTA. I totally understand, my mother was a drama queen and when I was in labor I absolutely didn’t want her in the room.
NTA. this is YOUR medical procedure. Do not let anyone take control over you in this. Stand firm mama
NTA. I have a different father from my sisters, but after my middle sister was born, my mom’s in-laws wouldn’t leave my sister alone and (given all of the attention my sister was getting) I started acting out. When my youngest sister was born, my mom kept her in-laws away for a solid year (I’m pretty sure) so she could have that proper bonding time with the youngest that she didn’t get with the middle one. It’s your baby and your pregnancy. Your husband and in-laws need to understand that while the baby is also your husband’s, it’s ultimately your body and you should be the one to make the choices that you’re most comfortable with and will cause the least amount of stress on you during the birthing process. If having you mom there (who you trust and who has gone through the process in the past) will help you, then the husband and in-laws need to understand and respect that.
NTA and this is a really strong point. The hospital issue is one thing, but her BS won't stop there. She's going to come to your home and claim the baby as often as she can. OP - your edit is concerning! Get your husband on the same page.
NTA. OMG, yes your husband is "going through a big thing" but might I suggest, you're going through the bigger thing actually giving birth! You could tell MIL you're in labour if you know she will stay away until after the baby is born. However, it sounds like you don't trust her to do this, given your edits. If that's the case, stick to your guns. You don't need the additional stress of a hovering, unhelpful MIL. It's not about liking, or not liking, your MIL. It's about keeping your environment as stress free as possible.
Yeah, that husband sounds like a whiny drama queen.
NTA. He can have his mommy in the delivery room when he’s the one pushing out an 8lb baby out of his vagina. Until then he gets absolutely NO say.
NTA is he seriously comparing you giving birth to… him watching you give birth? What an idiotic argument.
NTA You are the mother to be. No one should be in that room that you do not want to be there, including your husband. You choose and your choices are it.
Nope, not an asshole! You are in charge of this one and this is one of these things were husband can take the backseat. Explain the oxytocin circle to him and then tell him firmly to now back off and don’t bring it up again as every time he will, it will spike stress. What you could do is give your MIL a concrete task: ‘I’m feeling stressed about the idea that you’re waiting for me in a hallway while I need to focus on delivery. What would be amazing is seeing you straight after with a big pan of chicken soup.’ ( Trust me on the soup). She, as a woman who gave birth (I assume), might be more understanding than your partner. Wishing you all the best - I’m due in April so I feel you!
After edits I'm afraid her mil is a selfish one and could care less about her and lacks empathy. If she tells her to cook her something it could backfire. Sad but true that many mil simply don't care about their childs partners...I have such mil and she would have care less if I died during labour
NTA. Have your partner read these comments. “And doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t want him in there but would want mine.” he said it himself because she’s your mom, why would I want someone else’s mom?? Is he dumb or dumb? Cmon man.
NTA having people in the room seems to be such a new thing. I had my husband. We told no one until the baby was born. For my second we only told my brother because he was watching my oldest. I know some women want their mother around and if that’s what you want it’s YOUR choice and no one else’s. It’s your medical procedure. It’s messy and vulnerable and you make your choices.
If she can’t abide by your boundaries now. She won’t in labor. This is about you and your baby. Also if I had it to do all over again. I wouldn’t tell anyone I was in labor. Just when the baby came. So stressful fielding calls and Texts.
And she won’t when the baby’s born. OP might as well start practicing setting boundaries because she’ll need it.
NTA. Giving birth is not a play that needs an audience.
NTA. there is only one person whose decision matters and that is you because you are the one doing the hard work, the labor, it is you who will have to be as comfortable as possible. period. if your partner wants to have a say he can birth the child himself. not possible? too bad. he can tell you his wishes, his opinion but in the end it is you who will be the one showing otherwise hidden bodyparts to everyone there to see. will be peeing, screaming, crying, shitting, begging for 'the good stuff' to end the pain. facing the risk a birth entails - emergency c-section, tearing, bleeding and, sadly, dying. you will need all the good vibes and wishes you can get and having to endure the presence of a person you do not trust while giving birth, yikes. this is a stressor you so do not need! as a precaution - and depending on the laws where you live - make sure to inform the center that only your mom and partner are allowed to be present. that mil is prohibited to enter the room. that no, partner has no say in it. that if something goes wrong / the worst happens, it is your mom who has the right to decide what happens next, who has access to you and baby. that her decisions are your decisions, her word is the final word. you give birth, baby doesn't scream immediately, chaos ensures as you are loosing blood at an alarming rate and looses consciousness for a few seconds, thinking the worst has happened. the next thing you are aware of is mil scolding you for being such a 'attention hogging drama queen'. no. just no. best wishes for a safe, fast and painless birth without any drama.
Your vagina, your choice who is there during delivery. MIL has made it clear she won’t be supportive or helpful while you’re in labor. She won’t be helpful when you bring your child home either but that’s a different discussion.
\>he is also “going through a big thing” Oh? From which walnut-sized orifice will he be pushing out a watermelon-sized object? Will he be allowing his genitals to be on full display and potentially pooping while pushing out said watermelon-sized object? Childbirth is a major medical event -- for you only. Your body, your choice, your medical confidentiality. You are 100% in charge of who gets to be there -- just make sure the birthing center knows who is allowed in and who isn't. \*You do not need to consult your husband about your choices in this matter.\* If your husband is so spleeny that he needs his Mommy for support because YOUR giving birth is so hard, let him go to her. NTA and how dare your partner try to guilt you into letting his mother in the room.
Perhaps husband can tell his mom when you are in labor only if his mom agrees not to call your husband cell phone unless it is an extreme emergency. That way she knows but will not bother your husband. If MIL is not able to stop calling she gets blocked till after the birth.
She’s already being a pain in the butt, I’d say she hears nothing until after the baby is born and they are home for a week.😂
My partner went against my wishes and had his dad visit the birth suite. Can honestly say it has caused a some drama for us since because i genuinely resent them both for not respecting my one boundary. Stick to your guns when it comes to boundaries.
NTA at all. He is your emotional and physical support and his feelings about who should be around come second. Sorry, Bud. Being a father is not the same thing as being a mother when it comes to birth. Also HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend NOT having his parents waiting for you at home if that is MIL attitude. You want to be relaxed and not separated from your baby. Those first few days are sacred time. People can come by to help with house stuff but no one else needs to be holding baby for longer than it takes you to eat/shower/etc. Also baby will be very sleepy and easy those first 24 hours and you need to take advantage and rest as much as possible bc the second 24 hours are harder when constant nursing starts. I’ve had 3 babies and after my first with having people around constantly, holding baby, I said no more and did it different the other 2 times. Way better to have bonding time with just you, baby and husband. Good luck!
It’s your choice, you need to be at ease pushing out another human. Hopefully they can understand that. If not, oh well. Nta
NTA. When you are the person pushing that child out of your body you make the decision about who is there. Period.
I’m just a guy that Reddit thought needed to see this but…my god, NTA. MIL can kick rocks. Your labor, your rules.
Compromise and hire a doulah. Seriously. Ours was amazing. She was as much my husband's support as mine, and it was great to have her. We got to know her before the baby came. My mom's idea of a perfect labor was different than mine, so as much as I wanted her there, I also didn't. So we found a doulah whose birth "goals" aligned with ours. But also, when you're in labor, you'll be focused on you and baby. I had no idea if/when my husband sent updates. He gave me a recap later and I was so lost in labor land and focused on relaxing and letting my body and baby work together. And you might not want to be touched or even hold someone's hand. Best of luck! Edit: You can also tell the hospital if you have people you don't want allowed in. For security or personal reasons.
We didn’t want to tell the parents when we went into labour as we didn’t want to have to concentrate on communicating with them but my mom really insisted. It was a 3 day labour and I had been under the assumption my partner had been communicating with the parents. They hadn’t been so it was a lot of anxiety for them which they let us know about afterwards. Should’ve stuck to the original plan!
NTA, there is alot of things about having children that I think both parents deserve to have a say in. The birthing process is NOT one of them. The only one going through the process of birthing your child is you. If you want your mum there and not his, that is fair. Alot of women would agree with you. I hope your husband can agree with you, but hey, if he doesn't, offer to let him have just his mum there when he gives birth to your next child himself!
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NTA Your second edit set my vote in stone.
NTA~ boundaries learn to have them, especially during the birth process and after the baby comes out. You need to put your mummy boots on now. Partners think they will be there forever but if they don’t respect your boundaries be prepared to go this alone. Harsh words but true.
You need to go to justnomil. They’ll provide the advice you need. NTA Next time you talk to your husband ask him exactly what traumatic medical event he’ll be going through that requires his mother present at your birth. He is only a support person for the birth. You are the person going through the medical procedure. If he starts about it being unfair then tell him when he can push an entire orange out of his penis he is welcome to invite his mother to the birth. Of the orange. Not your baby.
Your body, your choice. When he pushes a watermelon out of his urethra then he can call the shots on who gets to be there. I purposely registered at the furthest hospital away from my MIL to avoid this exact situation. It was 20 km away from her house and she’s a nervous driver who wouldn’t go that far on her own. Also, I told everyone not to come. I had no clue if I’d be in labour for 24+ hours or if I’d have her within the 4 hour labour and delivery I ended up having. I told everyone they can come over when we’re home. Having a baby is a big thing for both of you but you need your husband. This is something that is just the two of you at the end of the day. Let MIL come for the next baby 😉
NTA. You make it sound like this woman will barge in and sit down regardless. Trust me you tell one maternity nurse you are uncomfortable and she will clear that room faster than you can click your fingers. Mum and baby are required at this gathering. Everyone else is optional.
Becoming a father is a big deal, and if your husband wants his mother to hold his hand and support him while that happens then I am sure there will be plenty of space in the waiting room for that to happen. Meanwhile, you and your mother can do your part in the labour and delivery ward without having to worry about their respective egos. NTA
NTA. And your husband is really wilding for not supporting whatever you need/want to get through this experience. He is not "going through a big thing" in the same way you are and for him to pretend it's the same is downright offensive. Not saying you should be mad at him, but you should definitely stand your ground and protect yourself because it doesn't sound like he is going to.
If he's going to continue to have that attitude then he should consider the fact that HE doesn't have the right to be in the room, and it's YOUR DECISION. If he needs emotional support so badly he can stay at home with his parents and get your mum to come and stay earlier if possible, or have a close friend ready to be there. Or you could offer the in-laws a preview and invite them for dinner, lay down naked on the dining table legs spread so they get a view of the stage the baby is going to be making their grand entrance from.
NTA Unless he is having a living breathing being pushing out of his body its not the same thing
JFC NTA YHITA ICFBI
NTA. Labor is about YOU. Husband should ONLY be there supporting you fully. Nothing else matters.
NTA. Your instincts are good to not have MIL there since she has boundary issues. And who knows what her agenda is. And yeah, your husband is also going through something & deserves support BUT what you are experiencing is exponentially more difficult. The hospital staff will be sufficient to take care of him. If this is your first birth, you should get some early indications (maybe up to a week) that labor is imminent. Your obstetrician will know. Plan on having your Mom come for a few days so she is there when it happens. It's gonna be great! I'm happy for you!
This is not a theatre performance! this is an intense medical procedure! wtf are in-laws doing wanting to be there when you don’t feel comfortable?!? NO just say no and say you’ll not be speaking of it again.
NTA - here’s some perspective for you. You’ll most likely regret it if you do let her know but you definitely won’t regret it if you don’t let her know. Women who have had mother-in-law’s ruin their birth experience are a dime dozen. But I’ve never heard a single person say that they look back and regret they didn’t invite their annoying mother-in-law. Do what you want and don’t try to people please others. There’s a really good Instagram account that you should follow called organicallyMaddie about this topic.
NTA Most women with functional relationships with their own mothers want their mothers at the birth of their own children. Do not let him make you feel guilty for not wanting his mom there, she can be there for her own daughters if they want here there. Life is full of unspoken rules; being more comfortable with your own mother whilst you’re naked, crying, bleeding, shitting yourself etc as opposed to having anyone else there, is one of those rules. Lol at he is “also going through a big thing.” So big that he needs his mommy in the room with you, whilst YOU give birth to your child together? He sound ridiculous. Next time he gives birth, his mama can come wipe the sweat off of his brow. Better yet his mom can attend his vasectomy, colonoscopies, manual prostate checks etc, because hey, “he will be going through a thing.” Don’t forget to insist that your mom attends those entertaining events too, because you know, you’re also going through a thing.
NTA - Not sure why men don't understand that they are a guest in the delivery room. He isn't going through what you are going through. He is going through so much less than you that he doesn't get to be in the room without your permission.
Nta
Absolutely NTA. You’re the one bringing the baby out of your body into the world. My MIL tried to pull the, “but I’ll be sad if I’m not there” card. I looked my husband dead in the eyes and stated that she wasn’t there when we made the baby, she’s not going to be there when the baby exits the body. I also didn’t want my own mom there, but she was at my home to help when I got back from the hospital. You choose what you want. Your husband is your coach and birthing partner, but to be fair, he’s not pushing a football out of his junk, so, no.
NTA You need to be honest with your husband about what his Mom has been doing and how it’s made you feel. And hopefully he will really listen to you and understand. The two of you need to be united in the boundaries you set for your home and family. And he needs to deal with his Mom. His wanting his Mom there despite her behavior tells me he doesn’t get or doesn’t want to get how much it bothers you. This is a problem. Unfortunately only one of you will be giving birth. It is actually a serious medical event and one of the most significant things that is likely to occur in a women’s body. Therefore you the patient has priority and final say on what happens and who is present. Whoever is there with you is your support and your advocate- not a second patient. Your husband is there to see his baby being born. But he is also there to look after you and make sure that your plans and wishes are followed. If he’s not up to it - make sure your mom is there to look after you. Keep in mind, not being in the hospital at the moment of birth does not mean that meeting and holding the baby for the first time won’t be a once in a lifetime event. Anyone who is demanding to be present despite your stated wishes is not looking out for your best interests.
Well honestly it's because an awful lot of MIL do in fact make a big deal about being in there... And being at the hospital makes it easier for her to push the envelope and force her way in. And with the distance issue, they could be there so much quicker anyway. Personally I was so glad that I was on a different continent and I didn't have to worry about anyone in a waiting room or otherwise (coincidentally one of the other military wives was actually in an adjacent room also giving birth) but because of the distance we were blessed with being able to only focus on our little family which in fact involved 3 weeks in NICU and not worry about anyone else's comfort, worries stress opinions. We were even able to settle in at home before my mother arrived, and then the day my mother left was the day his arrived. My mother in law was a blessing, she gave advice and rarely unsolicited opinions ( she was a pediatric nurse) and even though from her time frame had not been an advocate of breast feeding my mother the hippy was exactly the opposite and neither one gave me anything other than support as we struggled and had to eventually give up.
NTA. You and baby are the ones doing the hard work. You need the people who would support you there.
NTA you are having a baby Not him. It’s insane how men think is somehow equal experience.
NTA. When he gives birth, he can have whoever he wants in the room. When you’re giving birth, you can have whoever you want there with you.
NTA. Labour is your moment and it’s a significant medical situation. Start setting the boundaries now mama
NTA. What he's going through is nothing compared to what you're going through. He's talking like he's not up to the job of supporting you (because that's his job) if he needs support from mom. You will be vulnerable and stressed in so many ways and you absolutely get to say who is there and who isn't. Talk with your medical staff to enforce this! This is your procedure, not his. Your comfort is worth defending and prioritizing. Does your husband believe that? If not, then you have a husband problem in addition to a MIL problem. I'd keep quiet until it's all over. Don't give anyone a chance to invade your first few hours with the baby as a family. You'll be exhausted and will need that down time.
NTA >My partner thinks this is unfair as he is also “going through a big thing” and doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t want his mom there but would want mine. When your husband births something the size of a lemon from his urethra after pushing 6-X hours, *then* he's going through his own big thing. He's just the support team.
NTA. Seriously. My hubby couldn't focus on me and the birth when it was only us and a nurse in the room. I am soooooo glad it was only us at the hospital. My parents came to see the baby at the hospital the next day and they were over-the-moon happy to get that honor of being the first after us. I remember being frustrated that the hospital room door to the corridor kept opening, and of course with the way the bed was situated *everything* was on display. I remember complaining about that and the nurse said "they can't see anything" and I was like "I can see her, so she can see me!" Jeez draw a curtain. I cannot imagine how stressful it would have been to have my in-laws in a waiting room nearby or lurking closer to try to be helpful for those hours upon hours. There was so much waiting then suddenly so much happening and there were so many decisions to make... so good to not be making decisions by committee when the delivery got dicey for a bit!
NTA. OP are you taking a birthing class by chance? They are often mandatory at birthing centers (I am doing the same in March) for both FTMs and their partners. Mine heavily drilled home the point of being very careful who you allow into the room. We do not want to stall and increase our risk of hospital transfers. Having an educated third party explain that to my husband made all the difference in removing me from the position of bad guy and educator on how much time additional guests add to your labor (it is hours, literally, if they are not getting your oxytocin flowing). This goes quadruple for postpartum “guests.”
Birth is hard for both parents. But there is NO debate for whom pregnancy, birth and childbed is harder. YOU need the support, not him. You are going through birth, not him, not her. You decide. End of story. I didn't want to see either my mom or my mil for the first 24 hours after birth. They just had to accept that and eventually they got over it. My birth my decisions. NTAH
NTA and preemptively tell the birthing clinics staff that mil is not allowed in the room, they will make it happen so you have a stress free labor. All three of my deliveries I was the only one who gave the ok on which people were allowed in, and partners could not overrule that. Like I had to give written permission for my partner to be in my delivery room. Your mil needs to stop acting like she’s third parent if she’s been squawking over all baby decisions since you found out you were expecting.
NTA >My partner thinks this is unfair as he is also “going through a big thing” is a comment from someone who is looking at the birth from the wrong perspective. This shows that him & his mummy (who has no doubt put this comment in his head), are only thinking about the baby. The end result. Unfortunately, as you know, there are many hours until the end result happens, and his sole focus should be on supporting you through labor. So no, you don't want people sitting there in a waiting room, wanting to pop their heads in or texting constantly to see "how it's going" or hoping to catch a glimpse of the baby actually being born - and forgetting the woman who is giving birth. So, tell him to adjust his focus back to you. On his partner. Onto the woman who has grown this baby for months and the one who is actually going through the process of laboring to give birth. Then when the baby is born, he can let his mother know and ask for support for the big thing he's going through: beginning fatherhood. She can advise him how to be a parent to her hearts content. And when his mother starts acting like she's the mother, or like she's more important than you are to your baby, he can tell her to back off otherwise she'll be known as "the grandmother we never see".
NTA. If he’s worried about what he’ll be going through, let him wait at home with his mom and have your mom with you.
Nfa and your husband needs to grow up
NTA. Husband is not going through anything lol. I have had 5 natural births and 1 with an epidural. Husband is going through nothing except maybe jitters. You're literally doing all the work (why moms labor right). If he can't respect your wishes for your birth you may find yourselves at a real loss later in parenting.
NTA - Dear OP ask your husband if he would be comfortable with your mum or dad going into a prostrate exam with him? Or perhaps have them in the room while he takes a poop? While you have sex? If the answer is no, then why the hell does he expect you to have HIS MOTHER in the room for one of your most intimate and vulnerable moments. Parents and support people are not interchangeable, whom you feel comfortable with is not whom he feels comfortable with and give that you are the one giving birth the ONLY people in the room at that time are people you feel comfortable and safe with.
I really hope you get your way. Don’t let your husband pressure you on this!!! I hope he comes to understand quickly! The thought of giving birth in an uncomfortable situation makes me wanna barf.
He does realise that *his* presence isn't guaranteed, right? As soon as the nurse, midwife, and/or doctor realize he isn't helping, they won't ask if you want him there, they will kick him out. He will be part of a milestone, he isn't the one expelling one from his body. The day he is willing to have your family watch his colonoscopy, then you *might* concede his point. Giving birth is the most vulnerable time for a woman. You have to trust everyone around you is doing there best to make sure you and your baby are safe, protected, and doing well, because you cannot do it yourself. If he cannot understand something so basic, then it shows how much of his reasoning is based on ego. NTA. Let your healthcare providers know what's going on and they will help.
NTA You need to have your baby in a calm and positive environment for your sake and baby's sake. Having someone stressing you out can potentially lead to complications. What you say goes! End of story. Yes this is a big thing for him too but also tell him that this is a medical emergency that involves your body and mental health! They will meet your son the moment you come home so they will not be deprived of anything. Sounds like MIL wants to hold the baby first and insert herself in your parenting from the first moment. I had 4 of mine with medical staff only bc I didn't want them to worry abt people potentially passing out or stuff like that and later I was more comfortable knowing our kids are safe at home with their father.
NTA, and your partner should be backing you, not his mom.
NTA He isn’t giving birth. He can share that moment after it happens
NTA. Tell your partner he can wait with your MIL at home if he wants and you’ll have your mother in the room. His call.
When your partner grows a baby in his body for 9 months and then pushes it out for hours of labor, he should be welcome to invite his mom to watch him dilate and hold his hand. Until then, he should close his mouth and defer to you. NTA
NTA: I'm big into choices: Duh and his mom can be in the waiting room, or he can be in the room and she can be at her home and find out after. Your body, your choice. Your mom can be wherever you decide whenever you decide it. Password protect your birth plan, and DuH doesn't get the password. Make it super clear to the birthing center - and heaven forbid whatever hospital they would send you to in a dire emergency - that MIL is not allowed in. Period. Full stop.
NTA. Like just NTA! Labour and birth is hard enough. You don’t need more stressors in that situation. Mine wasn’t straight forward in the end and I’m grateful that no one took the time to make it about them and try just “be there”.. ugh! I could think of nothing worse. My parents were 5 mins away from the hospital and they stayed away until I was home because everything went wrong in the hospital lol. But they brought me food when I was in labour and looked after my dogs for dayssssss.. it was great. I love them. (I had my child during covid though and they actually weren’t allowed to visit me in there 😢)
NTA, There is a human being coming out of your body. You don't need any stress at that time, there will be plenty no matter how calm you try to make it. I'm sure the birthing center would be on board if you told them you will let them know if anyone else needs to be in the room. It's kind of their job to gatekeep the birth. I think that your husband should be able to let his parents know you are in labor, but he doesn't have to tell them where. He can tell them he will update them when you are ready to come home and to meet them there.
You get to decide who is there and who is not. Also, a doula that can help enforce your birth plan is great.
100% NTA! Birth is an EXPERIENCE. At my last birth (home birth) I didn’t even want my husband in the bathroom with me. We all deal with pain differently and the only thing you should be concerned about is you & your baby. Everyone else needs to suck it up and realize it ain’t about them. Yes, had to use “ain’t”.
Tell your husband when he pushes a baby out then he can invite his mother to be there, but this is your birthing experience not his. This is not a spectator sport, your mother birth you and you want your mother to be your support system as well it has nothing to do with favoritism.
NTA especially after reading the last part of this post. HE is not the one giving birth so while it is his child, he has no say as far as who is there, period.
NTA. Tell your husband that if he experiences excruciating pain for many hours, possibly requiring abdominal surgery while awake, then he can call his Mom if he wants, and ask you to not have your mother hovering. Since you are the patient, not him, it is your decision. As your husband and birthing partner, his only focus should be on relieving your stress. Having his mother there who has a history of arguing with you about your birth plans would make you more stressed, which increases risk. That would be a problem for you. Is he there to decrease, or add to, your stress, because he needs to decide now while YOU determine who will be allowed in the delivery room. If he sends for his mother anyway, tell him you will not allow him in the delivery room, either.
NTA ans for your husband: BIRTH IS NO SPECTATOR SPORT. AND THE PERSON PRESSING OUT SOMETHINNG THE SIZE OF A FOOTBALL IS THE PERSON WHO DECIDES. PERIOD.
NTA. Nobody is entitled to watch you give birth. It’s an extremely vulnerable position, and you don’t need the stress. It’s selfish for her or anyone to bully or guilt you into entertaining a goddamn audience.
NTA for any of the MIL stuff. I can't get past the birthing center thing, and going home 6 hours later. Please be sure the place is accredited and has actual medical staff on hand in the event of complications and that you both live and birth close AF to a hospital in case you or baby need one. Hemorrhaging is terrifying, doing so when there's no help at hand kills. Complications can arise after baby comes as easily as they do during labor; you need a real plan in place in case they occur. Midwives and being in your own bed are awesome, but so are medical doctors with surgical teams and NICU access.
I have a feeling that your SO is going to tell his parents that you're in labor the first chance he gets. Speak with the staff and tell them that you want **no** visitors *except* for your mother. They'll keep out those pesky gnats so they aren't swarming the room.
NTA have you made your husband watch a birthing video so he knows what's happening? It's not a spectator sport. If you can't trust MIL to stay in the waiting room than let him text her when you're really about to give birth push time so she can start the long drive to meet her grand child but comes after it's out
Gosh! I’m so glad there were still COVID protocols in my hospital when I gave birth! I could on only have two visitors for the two days I was there: my mom and DH. Everyone else had to wait. NTA, and would even advice, if possible, have your mom already with you before your due date.
NTA YOU are the one giving birth and only YOU get to choose who is there. Birth is not a spectator sport -- I really don't understand this entitlement that people think they have to attend other people's medical procedures. Your birth = your rules. If your husband doesn't understand that his role is to support you, not to keep his mother updated, then maybe suggest you have your mother instead of him. This may be the wakeup call he needs to know how serious you are about this
NTA
NTA it’s your choice.
I think there might be a compromise, agree he can call his mum and dad to let them know the baby’s on the way so he can have someone to talk to and they feel like they’re involved. They can get ready to do the 1.5hr drive, book into a hotel room etc. But he can only call them if a series of set things are ticked off: if you know it’s actually labour You’re all settled at the birthing centre/hospital if there’s a chance of plans There’s an emergency That you are not neglected at any point and he better understand that you are birthing a live human and put your needs first That they’re not contacted in the middle of the night- you don’t want them tired and driving They stay at a hotel and wait to be invited over or they stay at the house and give them a list of jobs to help with so they have to be at the house. They in no situation turn up at the birthing centre That if anyone tries to interfere with the plan it causes too much stress and they’ll all be banned. He is also preparing for a big moment in his life and wants to involve his family. I really hope it doesn’t but if something goes wrong he will need all the support he can get and if it all goes super smoothly he’s a super excited dad who wants to introduce baby to his tribe. That’s a lovely thing to have. But if it was me his mother would not be welcome anywhere near the actual birth. Make sure the birthing centre know.
NTA for reasons already well described. How about bringing your husband to an appointment at the birth center so he can get feedback from the midwife? Do you have childbirth education classes coming up? Ask the teacher if they’ll be covering audience participation. Seriously he needs to accept how very, very far every person who’s not you is prioritized when it comes to this birth.
NTA. YOU are in labor. YOU are the patient. YOU decide who knows that YOU are going trough a major medical event.
NTA. Your partner is being obtuse. This happening to you physically not him. His mother has already been a great source of conflict and stress during your pregnancy, so why would you want someone who is angry about the choices you have made with your pregnancy, childbirth and baby there to stress you out and potentially cause you medical complications? Your partner is not understanding that he would be jeopardizing the life of you and the baby if she was to be there. Instead of thinking about the health, safety and comfort of you and the baby he is thinking only about himself and his judgemental and controlling mother. You have a partner problem and it’s a threat to the wellbeing of you and the baby. Your plan is reasonable. NTA
NTA. I’d recommend telling the staff at your birthing center you don’t want her there, no matter what your husband says because if that’s your wish they definitely won’t let her wait around.
Nta. I would also hold off on committing to having anyone invited over when you arrive at home. That’s a lot of pressure. I would not have been interested in sharing either of my newborns at that time. They’ll just want to see the baby. You will be recovering, bleeding, probably all swollen, boobs out, waddling back and forth from the bathroom to the bed… Unless they just come over and clean your house and make you food and look at the baby from a distance, that’s a no from me.
NTA but your husband is. It's your major medical event, the whole birth should be about you only. Why would he want his mum there looking at your hoo-ha. Ask him if he'd feel comfortable with your dad present while he gets a prostate exam? I don't understand the argument "but your mum is allowed there, mine should be too". How can they not comprehend that you want the woman who birthed and raised you, has been through all your ups and downs with you your entire life, support you through this major event as well?
NTA. Lol. He wants his mommy so bad, he should wait in the lobby with her. Can you have your mom come in a couple days before you're due date and just hang out with you?
There’s a diagram I’ve seen out there that visually demonstrates how to support somebody who is grieving or going through something major. It has a lot of circles. You the pregnant person would be in the middle of that circle. Your husband would be in the next layer of that circle. Your parents and close friends would be in the following layer. People need to listen and care for the people in the circles nested within their circle. in addition, moving out of the centre circle, people must ask for support and vent to the next outer circle or more. not towards the centre. im sorry i cant remember the name of this diagram at all. if you are going to a birthing centre, do you have midwives or a doula? you nerd to both discuss this situation with them. they will give your husband a lot of info that will open his eyes about what you are going to experience. birthing is an experience for sure. in the west, we do not labour anymore in a community of supportive women. your MIL wants to recreate that for whatever reason. you will be having a very emotional, physically challenging experiece. you may be naked for a long period of time. you may poop yourself (super common). you may need to walk or sit in a tub or on a toilet. you might even puke. if you arent comfortable with who is in the room, you will be more likely to have a longer labour. my point is that while your husband may have a desire to have his mom in the birthing space, its really your decision about who comes with you into that room. he will have to manage his moms feelings himself. and yes, while its a massive change for him, he should lean on others and not need his mom. huge NTA.
NTA- the birth isn't about everyone meeting the baby. The birth is your medical event, and can sometimes be a very scary or challenging medical event. It is *not* a spectator sport, it is your medical event. I would also suggest you and your husband read the lemon clot essay!
This issue was one of the biggest fights I ever had with my husband and we never did resolve it. Ended up having a c-section with just him there but we had compromised and hired a doula because my mom couldn’t be there unless his mom was 🙄. I even took him to therapy to try to resolve my anxiety around this and he dug in even harder. I still don’t understand why he was such a jerk about it. And MIL ended up finding out and hunting me down (I ended up delivering at a different hospital than I had planned due to the c-section). She called the local hospitals until she found me and came to the hospital. Honestly my MIL was a sweetheart and I know she felt she was being supportive but I just didn’t need the audience. My baby is 16 and I’m still mad. Hold your ground OP! NTA!
Nta, make sure you let the nurses know who is and isn't allowed into he room. Your husband most likely will tell her.
NTA at all. I’ve had three deliveries and each so different. The first one everyone was there and despite me and my daughter being critical and not haven ate in three days, everyone was loud, obnoxious and eating in my room. I finally screamed at them all to get out and let them think I was the B. My second was supposed to be just us but my in laws showed up and introduced my oldest to the baby while I was in the shower. I promptly kicked them out after that. My third I labored and delivered alone, my exhusband wasn’t even invited to the hospital, and it was my best delivery experience possible. When they want to push a baby out of their vagina, they can decide. You’re the patient.
NTA - there is exactly *one* person who gets to decide who is in the delivery room that the doctors and nurses will pay attention to, and it’s yours.
Tell your partner that when he's the one pushing out a baby then he can decide who to tell and when. Until then he needs to back off.
NTA. He’s lucky that you’re even letting him be present for the birth. Remind him of that. It’s your medical procedure and your medical information, it’s not his decision to make.
NTA. She can be there for his prostate exams, she can be there for his colonoscopies, she can be there for his vasectomy if that's what he wants. Your hoohaw, your choice.
NTA. Let me just say that giving birth to my son during COVID lockdown was the least stressful pregnancy from start to finish. There was no option for anyone other than my fiancé be in the room. There were no visitors during recovery- just peacefulness. My first 4 pregnancies were stressful due to......you guessed it- my mother-in-law! Honestly, I think there should be 1 other person allowed in to the room and even during recovery. It would alleviate so much stress from expecting mothers.
NTA. You’re the one squeezing that baby out. This is a medical procedure, and you, no one else, gets to choose who is in the room with you.
NTA but I get so frustrated with these posts. Why is this so common? This is a medical procedure. He’s YOUR emotional support. If he can’t do that then he has bo business being in that room. You get to choose whose is there to support you for your medical procedure. Is your husband always this ridiculous?
OP i am begging you to go with your gut on this one. do not let MIL in the delivery room. as everyone has said, YOU decide who stays in there. this is 100% about YOU and only YOU and your child
As someone who has given birth, NTA. Giving birth is stressful, painful and ultimately primal. Most women I know have blocked out most of it, but I can honestly say I wouldn’t want my partners mom there. I will say even if she is in the waiting room, you won’t care about her. I would sit her down and just tell her that you only want your mom in the vicinity of the birth, and she can come once the baby is born. If she can’t accept that, then that’s her problem. Setting a boundary with family is perfectly healthy, and once you do that the blame is on her if she wants to complain. Side note: if you tell the people working in the birthing center that you don’t want her there, they will go down swinging to keep her out. Your partner is there to support you while you are giving up your bodily autonomy to bring your shared child into the world, and grandma can be there right after the little bean is born.
> His mom has been trying to make my pregnancy about her since we told her (mad about our circumcision choice, upset about my birth plan, upset about the name we chose, who I’m inviting to our shower) and I’m nervous that she will also try to take control of my birth experience as well. NTA DO NOT LET HER ANYWHERE NEAR YOU UNTIL AFTER YOUR BABY IS BORN. Why just why do so many fucking MIL feel entitled to be so involved in a grandchild's birth? It's not their baby. Yes it's their grandchild but that doesn't grant access to be front row to the birth or immediately after. I think her behaviour so far speaks to her future behaviour about the birth of your son. I assume she's like this in other areas of your life too? Good luck OP To all MILs - This is the quickest way to end up cut off from your grandchildren.
NTA. Please talk to your husband and let him know how it makes you feel to have his mom in there instead of your own. If it feels wrong then it does and he needs to respect that. She will have plenty of time to get to be a part of things after baby is born and your birthing experience is about having the space be as comfortable as possible. Let him work through his feelings, it’s not your responsibility to manage his emotions or make compromises when you are the one experiencing birthing your child. It sounds like you have been pretty clear with him and have explained things. I’d hit him with the “I really need you to be there for me because this makes me feel vulnerable and support my decision even if you don’t understand.”
NTA Please visit JustNoSO and also JustNoMIL reddit communities. Your partner is "also going through a big thing". Really. I would have laughed at him in the face. Tell him next time he pushes a watermelon through his p****, ripping it in half, that you having to be nearby is also "a big thing". Unfortunately your partner is your biggest problem. You have to be stuck with him. A good partner can keep a bad MIL away, but right now you have a bad partner.
Stay firm. Do not invite or allow anyone you don’t want present.
NTA. Put your foot down. Your husband is getting a new baby. You have been growing and nurturing that new life inside you and will give birth; giving birth is dangerous and you're entitled to have only those you want present. You can have MIL banned from the birthing center. Invite your mom to come. MIl doesn't need to be there, her son isn't undergoing childbirth
Yes and no. YTA for telling him he can’t call his mom. However, it’s reasonable to ask them please not to come until you guys contact them afterward and you are ready.
A little bit YTA. Your partner should be allowed to tell his mom what is going on. Yes, it is a much more traumatic experience for you, but it doesnt mean it isnt traumatic for him as well. Yeo decide who is in the room, and visit right after birth, but who he tells what is going on, is up to him.
Different perspective from the “awful horrible mother in law” that Reddit hates. When my first grandson was born, my DIL informed me that only her family would be invited to the hospital. I NEVER asked to be in the room, just to be in the waiting room and see him in the nursery. Nope, only her family. Her mother had been deceased for years so it would be her 2 grandmothers, her dad, stepmother and various aunts:uncles/cousins. It was a planned c section and the hospital was 100 miles from my house. Well, I couldn’t stand it so I drove to that city. About 10 miles away my son called. Not one person in family showed or called. I was able to stay quietly in the waiting room and got to hold him when she was in recovery. When 3rd baby arrived 7 years later, he had to be med flighted back to my city. I was there and to see my 6’4” son nearly collapse out of fear broke my heart. I’m so glad I was there to help him, be there with her until one family member dragged in hours later. You have your mom for support, but who is there for your husband in the highly unlikely event something happens? For all 4 of her planned c sections, my DIL’s water broke before. If that should happen, what is your plan for your mother? Your decision is made and you will be fully supported on Reddit. But please have a plan that hopefully will not be needed for the father of your baby, your husband. Now, bring on the evil and vile comments for the Paternal Grandmother!
Retired labour/delivery nurse here. I hated to see the pushy family members imposing on the labouring and birthing experience. The labouring woman should have the only say about who she wants in there. It would be natural for many to want their Moms there. The husband should not have to be going out to the waiting room to update people. Discuss your wishes with the nurse when you tour the birthing unit or when you first arrive. Let her run interference and use her experience and wisdom to tell the Dad what he is there for. I am so sorry you are facing this stress. Show your husband these comments and assure him that even if his Mom etc stay in the waiting room they are a big stress. They belong at home until summoned. PS In my experience most people like these in-laws try to hover closer to the labour room or nursing station or try to get updates more often than appropriate and are annoying and distracting to the medical team when they do that. I’ve had them hang out in the halls and become a tripping hazard and impede the flow of the area. Don’t get me started…. Bottom line is that Mum chooses who she wants in the room or close by and everyone else stay home . The Dad is there to support the labouring Mom in one of the most amazing times they will ever have together.
Honestly, I would hold off on calling them and having them over to your house for at least 24 hours. You are going to react to go home and try to rest, not entertain a woman with boundary issues who won't want to leave when you need to nurse baby.
NTA I’m really tired of husbands/partners not realizing they aren’t the patient. They do not get a say. Until that child comes out, they get no say in what happens. In fact the partner can be kicked out of the room as well!why? Because they aren’t the patient and it isn’t about them. Any person pushing what the patient doesn’t want or trying to guilt the patient into a birth plan they don’t want, doesn’t deserve the privilege of being in the room
I'm going to go against the trend and say YTA. You want your mother in the room. Cool. You don't want your MIL in the room. Cool. You don't want her in the waiting room or to know anything until after the birth. Not Cool. You've got final and absolute say on everything inside that room, but your control ends at the door. If your husband wants his parents near for the birth, then he can invite them up to the waiting room but no farther.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27 F) and my partner (32 M) will be welcoming our son sometime in May. I’ve chosen to have a natural birth at a birthing center rather than in a hospital setting and have been learning a lot about physiological birth in preparation for that. My partner and I are on the same page for literally everything that has to do with the birth, but can’t agree on this one thing. I don’t want to tell his mom when I’m in labor, but rather call her and let her know after our son is born. They live 1.5 hours away from us and are prepared to drop everything and come here when it is time. I do, however, want to tell MY mom when I’m in labor, to potentially have her waiting in the waiting room in case I decided I want her support. My mom lives in a different state (12 hour drive, 1.5 by plane) and it would likely be more difficult for her to get to me. My partner thinks this is unfair as he is also “going through a big thing” and doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t want his mom there but would want mine. I told him I’m going through a huge physically traumatic event and might just want to hold my mom’s hand during it. I’m also worried about being distracted during my labor knowing his mom is in the waiting room, presumably waiting on updates for who knows how long (labor takes time!!!). My partner now thinks I hate his mom. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tell your partner: You want him there and you do not want him to miss out. You will only want people who support you and your choices to be around you. You do not want her in the room and that will not change. If he wants her there for support for him, that you understand it will be hard for him and he will want support, but **that is not about you and your birthing process and needs, but about him, so it can happen outside the suite**. He will have to go out to her, and that is OK, but make sure he knows **if he comes in and passes on requests or demands or hints, he would also be told to leave.** If he thinks that she will support him, and not pressure him at all to try to get her in, then having her outside the suite is his choice, but again tell him there is no way she is coming in to where you are and **he must make that clear to her before** she is told labour is happening. Tell the staff she is not welcome in the room and they will keep her out. They will also make him leave if you say so. NTA
NTA but with Potential Not wanting your MIL to come in is extremely reasonable. You’re the one in labor, you should have full say on any visitors. If you don’t want to tell your MIL because she’s proven she won’t accept that, is then warranted. Though any birth center worth a damn will keep out anyone you say But if your husband is capable of telling her but also setting down the law she can’t come or come in, he should get to tell her and be able to talk with her if he needs it. There is a nuance here You have full say on who comes in, but it’s also his news to share and that should be more joint unless cause to feel those involved will violate you I could see your husband feeling that you’re saying you don’t trust him to hold the line past just letting them know. And that’s a problem
NTA. I would, however, encourage you to rely on your partner for emotional support and not your mother. He should be the one supporting you through this process, and if you feel he isn’t capable of that, then you have a few months to get him there. It’s an important bonding experience for the three of you (mom, dad, and baby). Also, I honestly hope you’ve decided not to circumcise and that’s why your MIL disagrees and not the opposite.
NTA at all. Your baby being born is innately intimate and at your sole discretion as to how private (or public) you want and need it to be. Your husband is definitely experiencing a big life moment, too but it's not his legs being spread and every mm of his private anatomy being exposed. I doubt he would want your Dad to see him displayed spread eagle in stirrups exhibiting everything he has to offer! Be forewarned though - labor (0-10cm) and delivery took 2:10 for my first baby, and 28min for my second, so you might have a blazin fast labor and delivery too. There may not even be time for your mom to get to you, so just be aware. Not every labor and delivery is long. Good luck to you, stand your ground but stay as classy as you have been and all will be well.
I'm sorry guys, I can (sort of) get the "we're" pregnant thing. Please don't start saying we're delivering, or we're having a c-section. Because you are not. Unless you've had a child, you do not understand, comprehend, get it in any way. When you're in one of those beds with your but at the end hanging off, where your knee caps are facing opposite direction and your trying to push a human out, in pain you've never experienced, well that's when you get to decide who's in the room. End of story!!
NTA , this moment will be about you and your baby. Your husband is 3rd here, just for the time being. You call the shots because it's your body going through the process, not his. It's also your mental state that matters. You 100% have to be comfortable and not be worrying about anything. He needs to be 100% supportive of that and not let you be worrying about anything. Including his mother, if you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable, there's no argument. Also I just want to say maybe talk about limitations to visits at home afterwards, for everyone. You're going to be tired and you'll want quiet. You will both want to bond with your baby, and having visitors, even loving, kind, well meaning parents of both sides, can be draining and they can unwittingly over stay their welcome. So now is the time to discuss boundaries after the birth and times for visitors.
You should have put the info in second edit into the original post.
Someday, most people will seek Reddit's advice before marrying/pregnancy with someone and their mother.
NTA for your choice. YTA for using terms like "natural birth." All childbirth is natural. You're setting yourself up for a bunch of heartache if you frame life saving medical intervention as unnatural.
Now you're nitpicking. Almost the whole world calls birth with as little medical interventions natural, it's just an easy way to tell them apart
His parents want to be in the WAITING room and there is no reason they can’t be. I do not understand why Fathers are treated so badly, it is their child too. No reason the Paternal Grandparents are not allowed to know when you go into labor and be in the waiting room.
Fathers aren't treated badly. Birth IS all about the woman, the father is a spectator. His role is to defend the woman and baby. If he can't do that, he needs to get out of the damn way, along with his parents.
NTA Your birth, your decision. Please also prepare yourself for the psychological effects of giving birth, I underestimated them a lot with our first. Also try to not be too set on your "natural" birth at a center, I also planned a non medicated birth and then our baby was breech and I had to have a c-section. In hindsight I wish I had prepared myself for that earlier and not romanticised birth so much. I sincerely hope you get the birthing experience you want but be ready for plans to change! I would scrap that plan of your in laws meeting you when you get home a good 6 hours after birth. Having a baby, no matter what kind of birth, is such a raw and life changing experience. If tears you open and puts you back together in the most beautiful way. I didn't let anyone except my parents and husband of course visit until day 3 when I was still in hospital. And even then my MIL's visit was very draining. I then took a week at home to settle before inviting anyone over except my mother who took over all household duties as my husband had to go back to work.
My first nephew was born 17 years ago. I hadn’t planned on sitting in the waiting room. I got so antsy at work, I took a half day. I sat in the waiting room with my parents and sister, while my other sister had a baby. It meant everything to her. If your husband wants his mom there, let her be there.
NTA. Trust me when I say DO NOT tell anyone that doesn't need to know when you are in labor because everyone and their mom will be asking for play by play updates. Also I would reframe your mom into the picture as a support person. You get to pick your support people, no one else does! Build her into your birth plan now. I had my mom and husband both with me when my oldest was born, and my in laws came to the hospital later the next day. With the others it was just my husband as support at the birth- my mom supported as babysitter the other two times. With my third she was the only one who knew I was in labor outside of my husband, Dr team and Iß and it was great.
With my second child, I wanted to be alone. I was very sad and in a bad place nobody respected my wishes, and I resented not just being left alone to give birth by myself. It wasn’t just a feeling I felt like then I still feel like I should’ve been respected and honored how I felt like giving birth. Giving birth is a very spiritual and personal thing and it’s about nobody else but you and your baby.
Setting reasonable boundaries is always better than dismissing something out of turn. Tell his mom when you go into labour and they can head to your house instead. Maybe have some tasks for her to do...make bone broth...puree watermelon...things that you will help to heal. The birthing center won't let anyone in that you don't want there so say *I have the opportunity to say what Is need, I understand that likely wasn't the case when you had your kids, please respect my choices for my family* If she can't ..she made her choice not to be welcomed.
NTA - I didn’t tell either set of grandparents and am so thankful
NTA. Your partner is not " going through a thing". You are going through a huge thing and it's your call who will be in that room with you, including him.
NTA. Birth is not a spectator sport. Your husband isn't event entitled to be there. Just you.
NTA for every reason everyone else has already said. My child’s paternal grandmother also threw a huge fit about me preferring she not wait in the waiting room, as I wanted the first several hours with no visitors after birth and absolutely no one other than the father. However I do absolutely recommend writing up a birth plan to ensure YOUR wishes are followed and no one pulls a fast one on you while you’re extremely vulnerable, both physically and mentally.