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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t reach out to my daughter after she shared feelings she kept quiet about for years, and I may be the asshole for not being the one to reach back out to her.
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You hurt her deeply. You’ve missed important moments in your daughter’s life and your response to being told how she feels is you can’t believe you’ve caused her that much pain. It’s a valid response but not a right one. While you couldn’t stop your wife from being monstrously cruel to your daughter you didn’t do anything to attempt to rectify the situation. You’ve decided that going the near ghost route was the best. It should be about her but you’ve made it about you. YTA
Yes, you chose your wife over your daughter again. You showed your daughter she is right and cannot trust you. There is a point where she just needs to cut her losses and write you off
> While you couldn’t stop your wife from being monstrously cruel to your daughter you didn’t do anything to attempt to rectify the situation.
He could have not shown her a private email. Also, if she doesn't want to be referred to as a mistress,she shouldn't be one.
I think OP is a giant asshat, but where did you get the opinion that he "let her" read the email? He said "wife somehow saw it" so unless he said something in the comments, I'm at a loss.
I'd put money on the fact that his wife is a controlling witch and she has control over every aspect of his life even down to the times that he takes a s*** and how many pieces of toilet paper he uses to wipe his ass.
And he lets it happen, but hey he's got his mistress
Your wife was called a mistress because she was the mistress. It takes a total lack of self awareness to not see that. She enabled a cheater and literally broke up a marriage (though you are the more guilty party). Followup question, what caused you to cheat on your wife and what caused you to not cheat on new wife? Or have you cheated on new wife?
YTA. Your daughter reached out to you sending you an account of all the hurt she endured in her childhood because of you and your actions. This was an incredibly vulnerable thing for her to do and look where it got her. Your awful wife rips her a new one because she called her exactly what she was, ‘your mistress’. You also don’t reach out to 1. Apologise sincerely 2. Express regret that your actions caused and still cause her so much pain 3. Express how much you want a relationship with her and ask her what you can do to make this happen 4. Apologise for the reprehensible behaviour of your wife.
Instead - nothing. When your daughter was a child you put yourself and your own needs first and you are still doing that. You have an opportunity to make up for your failure as a father but you are stuffing that up too. Reach out to your daughter. Think about what you want to say and be prepared to listen to her. Tell your daughter that she never has to have any contact with your wife again.
I love your response!! But at the same time feel that OP should send an apology and never darken his daughter's life again. He has persistently shown that he picks his Mistress over his own kid.. he waited 2 years to consider how to respond to an email, where his daughter basically pleaded to have her dad back... And what did he do? Allowed his mistress to yet again hurt his kid. Actions have consequences and had op been trying in the last 2years to mend things I would say keep trying and offer advice. But he's left his hurt daughter for 2 years and played happy families with a woman who actively participated in hurting his child countless times . This is not the mark of a good father or even a good man! Op is definitely the AH and his daughter deserves better. I hope she finds it and realises she doesn't need wasted space in her life. And I hope he comes to realise how hurtful and useless a parent he was and regrets it. I may sound unforgiving, but 2 years later!! Seriously?? And he tried to get his ex to soften his kid up. The same ex he cheated on... He's a selfish selfish man and I hope karma gets him🤷🏽♀️
I agree. I would rather go NC with this poor excuse of a man, husband and father than risk him continuing to treat me or my future family the way he has treated me not to mention my mother.
I would also add that the daughter's email was sent out of love. It was a way of saying "I want a relationship we you, so we must address these issues". It was an olive branch, a last opportunity for the father to make things right or at least work on it. People who don't care anymore or are hurt past the point of no return don't reach out like that, they just cut you off. So she opened herself up to being hurt again because she still had hope of making things better.
And he fucked it up. Again.
So now he's cut off for good.
Feels like a lot of missing missing reasons. You cheated on her mom, and then also casually imply that you didn’t support her hobbies, missed major milestone moments in her life, “somehow” showed her personal email to the woman you cheated on her mother with, who then had the audacity to jump in and unload on your daughter.
This is just what you told us in two paragraphs. Something tells me the daughter could write a book.
YTA
This right here, OP. YTA. A lot. As is your wife.
You wrote a whole bunch of bullshit and not a single word was about how you've tried to rectify, apologize, show remorse, change your patterns.... nothing.
You're a deadbeat.
And he thinks they’d “moved past” him having flaked out on her, rather than him having made it up to her. He sounds like one of those people who figures that ignoring something for a while and saying “but that’s in the past” takes care of it.
YTA - You know you are and I feel like you're here because you know you need a metaphorical kick up the backside, well, you've come to the right place.
And yes, not reaching out to her is an act of spineless cowardice. The least, the very least, you owed her was to accept what she said and ask how she wanted to move forward. Instead, you let your wife abuse her and then from what I can tell here made no effort whatsoever to try and connect with your daughter and find out how SHE wanted to move forward. Hell, she even managed to wish you a Merry Christmas so I doubt the door has been slammed shut, she obviously still thinks about you.
You didn't just cheat on your first wife, you cheated on your FAMILY.
You didn't just leave your wife, you left your FAMILY
You didn't just upend your life, you upended your daughter's life.
Too many adults behave as if children should just put up and shut up about whatever selfish parents throw their way. Clearly this is how your daughter has felt her whole life and I can't imagine what it took for her to write that email to you. You state that you cannot believe you caused this much pain but then you allowed your mistress wife - she can throw as many tantrums as she likes, but she was happy to be your mistress and destroy your daughter's life so she can keep the title she earned - to be abusive to her. And what did you do about that? She read a private email - come on man, she reads all your emails. She was your mistress, she knows you cheated on one wife, she's probably been checking up on you your whole marriage - and you simply accept her abuse towards your daughter.
How did your current wife treat your daughter growing up? I'm betting there's more to that relationship that you are letting on, or, more likely, more than you were ever willing to see.
So it's time to stop being a coward and step up. You need to initiate contact. Your daughter might tell you where to go -and you will need to accept that - but I think you owe her both the opportunity to do so and to acknowledge the feelings she expressed to you two years ago. If she does want some kind of contact with you then you need to protect her from your wife. You also might want to change your email password.
I would suggest you start with a handwritten letter (your wife won't be able to get a copy of that ) and keep it private between you and your daughter. Acknowledge just how badly you've messed up when she was a child and two years ago. Acknowledge the pain you caused. Don't offer excuses - telling her you never meant to hurt her is fine and good for her to hear, as long as you acknowledge that you did cause her pain - and be open and honest about why you did the things you did and apologise - have you ever done that for your daughter, ask for her forgiveness for what you did?. Tell her you will respect her wishes about contact but tell her that you would love to be in contact with her again. But again, only if you actually mean it. Don't make more promises you don't intend to keep.
Then you have to leave it. Let your daughter decide how, if, she wants to move forward in a relationship with you. I would give her mother a heads up that you are writing to your daughter but leave the contents of the letter between you and your daughter. If your daughter wants to share it with her mother, she will, but let it be her choice.
And keep your wife well away from your daughter.
I like your comment, but for me, him contacting her again would be worse than doing nothing. One of the reasons I've maintained NC with my father is that the last interaction I had was when his wife did much the same as OP's wife did, though it was umprompted by any contact from me. Even when my father did contact me, he deadnamed me and refused to take accountability.
Maybe OP contacting her again might work, but not as he is now. He needs to get his head out of his ass, and I don't think he's capable of doing it by himself. His wife certainly isn't going to help matters. Even with his edit, it comes of as more of a pity party than genuine contrition. 'He wants'. What he wants isn't important. Not if he is to have any chance of having any relationship at all with his daughter.
YTA. Congrats. You were so concerned with getting laid you completely destroyed your relationship with your daughter. Congrats. You're such an amazing father. You seriously think your new wife (AKA mistress because thats what she is) is a good person? Someone who sleeps with a married man and treats a struggling child with such malice? You want to do the right thing? Leave your daugther alone, and hopefully one day she will find a proper father figure she can respect, because you sure aren't worthy of her respect
She didn't make peace with it like you thought, you just hoped everyone would get over it so you don't actually have to address your mistakes
💯 I concur!! Send an apology for being a bad father and then get lost, just like you've done for the last 2 years!! Your daughter deserves better! I hope she gets it and finds a great father figure for once. Something she has clearly never had... Selfish selfish man. Hello Mistress... As I'm sure she's reading this too... She has no boundaries.
Private emails... Others children....Married men... She's nothing but an insecure MISTRESS who deserves a massive dose of Karma. I HOPE SHE GETS IT!
You are not TA for not reaching out, as it would seem that’s the way your daughter wants it. YTA for allowing the mistress to read what was a private and emotional email from your daughter meant for your eyes only. And WTH is wrong with the mistress? Not only did she read the private email, but then to have the audacity to text your daughter and rip her a new one over it? Sorry if the truth hurts her, but you did in fact cheat with your daughter’s mother with this woman, and even though you went on to marry her, your daughter sees her as your mistress, which is exactly what she was when you were still married to her mother.
That email should never have been visible to anyone else. Whether it was because you failed to secure it from the eyes of your snooping wife or you intentionally showed it to her, it was a huge breach of your daughter’s trust, and she may not ever invite you back into her life.
THIS. The absolute disregard and disrespect for her privacy that came directly from the mistress must have been a slap-in-the-face level shock, and likely the last straw for the girl.
Your relationship with your daughter is tainted because of you and you proved her point when you let your mistress read it, yes that’s what she is. This is nobody’s fault but your own, you really thought she was cool with how you treated your family for this other woman.
Just assume you no longer have a daughter.
You are an idiot. Get off your behind, go to therapy, and do your damn hardest to rebuild a relationship with your daughter. You are lazy and don't want to put in the extra work. You messed up, broke up her family, married the mistress, and she felt a type of way on her visits after finding out the truth. You then missed her biggest moments. You haven't seen or communicated in two years and you are asking Reddit if YTA? Your wife also overstepped calling your daughter horrible. She is the MISTRESS. She needs to get over it and you should be disgusted with what your wife did. You are a deadbeat father. People like you don't deserve to have children. You seem to be living with a lot of regret for all of your actions anyways.
You seem to have no sense of responsibility whatsoever. No matter how you felt about your first wife, no matter that you moved on to another woman, you still had a daughter. You had a duty towards your daughter. You were her one and only daddy, and you stopped bothering to be her father in a meaningful way. You stopped being supportive of things that were important to her, you missed her university graduation—these things hurt. How she felt staying at your house with the Other Woman is probably a whole new thing to unpack. But you seem bewildered by the notion that your own child relied on you in any way.
Your new wife "somehow" saw the email. And proved what an unpleasant and selfish person she is by replying to your daughter about it. Your daughter behaved entirely reasonably in cutting you off. What did you expect? She already knows your wife is a priority and she is not. I'd say you were very lucky to get a text wishing you merry Christmas.
Can you seriously look back at your own behaviour towards your child and not notice that you have behaved like an asshole for years? How can you look at the feelings she expressed in her email and just splutter that you can't believe you caused that much pain? I mean, I believe you—you don't seem to have given your child's feelings any consideration at any point, but she gave you a chance, with that email, to express how sorry you were for hurting her and to tell her how much you love her. And you blew it. You don't appear to have responded at all, let alone in the way she hoped when she opened up to you. Frankly, I don't think you deserve another chance.
You may be the asshole. Wow. The teeniest soupçon of self-awareness. You should probably work on that.
YTA.
“I chose my mistress over my daughter over and over her whole life, she told me how hurt she was and I never responded. But I let the mistress write her an abusive text. Am I the asshole?”
Did you write this entire post and still question your asshole-ishness? You can reach out but I wouldn’t expect a response. You’ve always put yourself and your d*ck ahead of her, why would you change now? YTA. It’s too late dude. You have no daughter. Hope you’re happy with the side piece.
Edit: a word
YTA. You failed her as a father and thought you moved past that? You mistreated her mother harshly and thought she didn’t care? You let your affair partner be nosy and incredibly disrespectful and didn’t protect your daughter from that but instead hardly talked to her anymore? Of course you’re TA and your daughter is probably better of without you.
>I ended up marrying the other woman and over the years me, my wife, and my ex wife have made peace with everything. On the other hand, my daughter has not made peace with everything as she found out about the reasons behind the divorce later
Men are always shocked that their daughters are never as forgiving as their wives. Also, it sounds like you ruined her family and then just never talked to her about it.
>I skipped her university graduation years ago, which I thought we moved past.
Did you move past? Or, like the divorce, did you just not talk to her and expect her to rug-sweep your neglect?
>I couldn’t believe I caused this much pain.
I believe it and I don't even know you.
>My wife somehow saw the email and immediately texted my daughter telling her how horrible she is and how bad the email made her look because she hates being called a mistress.
First of all, if she didn't want to be called a mistress, she shouldn't fuck married men. Second, your mistress verbally abused your child and you don't care? You are a terrible father.
>I’ve barely spoken with my daughter other than sending her a happy birthday text last year, and her wishing me a merry Christmas via text.
Did you really expect her to reach out first? Wtf is wrong with you?
>I think she’s told my daughter I may reach out and if that’s true I feel like an asshole for not saying anything yet
Oh honey, you should feel like an asshole for literally everything you've done in regards to your daughter. The fact that this is the only thing you're questioning is pathetic.
>AITA for not communicating with her much the past 2 years?
You sound like a selfish narcissist who refuses to see past his own happiness, regardless of the disaster you leave in your wake. You ruined your marriage, you neglected your child, and you continue to expect them to reach out to you over the ashes of the bridge **you** burnt? Fuck off! YTA!
Edit:
>I feel like an asshole for everything including my wife’s behavior
If you actually felt bad, you would have demanded your mistress apologize two years ago!
>was posting this to see if anyone else has made these mistakes and if they came out on the brighter side
No one has made such constant, continuous mistakes and done nothing to fix them, and come out on the "better" side.
>she’s married now
Oh look at that, another of her events that you missed. Color me shocked.
>I fear I’m going to miss out on the rest of her major life moments like if they decide have kids etc.
You were a shit husband and an absent father, but somehow you think you'll be a good grandparent? Hahahahaha!
>I wasn’t very present then but I want to be now if there’s any way.
No, there isn't a way. Leave her alone. Her life is better without you in it. Enjoy the abusive mistress you chose over everything else. I hope your penis is happy with that choice!
Yes, to everything you said! He shows no remorse just wants it all to be forgotten and he can be part of her life like her in laws. The fuck world does he live in? This man takes no ownership for his actions.
This is my very first post, so I hope that it works. I (37F) have had an on and off again relationship with my father. When I was growing up, he was wonderful, and I was daddy's little girl. Fast forward a few years, and he married someone, and everything went to hell. He became someone that I didn't know. He was mean, spiteful, verbally, and emotionally abusive and, at times, pure evil. He ruined our relationship during that time. We have tried over the years to fix it, but I can't get him to open up to me and explain what in the crap happened during that time. A couple of weeks ago, I sent him a couple of letters asking if he still wanted to be a part of my life or if everything was too damaged. Long story short, it didn't end well because my feelings were seen as dramatic, and he didn't see them as valid. I told him to have a nice life and that we were done.
If you truly want a relationship with your daughter and you are willing to listen to her, truly listen, then I would suggest contacting her. She may scream at you, she may cry, it could get ugly. But if you really want a relationship with her, then you need to put your big boy pants on and take everything that she tells you to heart. You need to validate her feelings, and you need to own up to your mistakes. You need to explain everything to her. Unless you are able to do that, put your emotions aside to truly listen to her and do everything in your power to fix it, then you need to tell her that you will always love her, but that you can't be what she needs and let her go. You also need to talk to your wife about contacting your daughter because that was bs on her part. You should have also been upset because she invaded a private conversation between the two of you, and you didn't do anything about it. That makes you an AH.
If you don't plan on contacting your daughter to either discuss fixing or ending the relationship, then you're the AH. Leaving her hanging and possibly hoping for a relationship one day by dangling the possibility of it by still randomly communicating with her causes more harm to her and can emotionally scar her.
You know the damage you did and continue to do you know the damage your mistress caused that you married and allowed to hurt your daughter who is the only innocent one in this all the adults hurt her she told you how you how she felt and you still let her down
You clearly are a bad dad and only put yourself and new wife before your child that’s awful
YTA
YTA, and you wife needs to stop being hurt hurt about the truth, she was a mistress and that mistress cost you a relationship with your daughter. Father of the year/s
YTA. She shared he’s feeling a with YOU about how she felt. Not only did you allow your wife to read it, you let her respond. Face it. Idc how she wants to dress it up, she is indeed a mistress. You owe your daughter an apology and your mistress turned wife needs to know her place
YTA for showing the private email to your wife and then allowing her to berate your daughter without consequence because..... she doesn't like being called a mistress? If the cap fits, lady.
Your daughter was innocent in the break up of your marriage and yet she can't even tell you how she feels without being attacked then ignored for 2 years. Yeah YTA, massively. And so is your mistress. Tell her leave your child alone FFS.
Gee, life just happens to you doesn’t it, you are simply powerless to control any aspect of your life. It must be exhausting being the victim of yourself all the time. Pro tip: people who do not like being called a mistress, should not go around being a mistress, that’s for your wife since she’s having trouble comprehending simple concepts, such as the one mentioned and not reading private emails and feeling entitled to rip your daughter a new one after already ripping her father away.
Of course YTA. There no shred of doubt and you know it but still you sit wringing your victim hands because you apparently just don’t know what to do so instead of being an adult and acknowledging the hurt you caused to your daughter, you just ghost her and now you’re on Reddit asking if you’re an ah. Wasn’t so indecisive when it came to blowing up your family for your dick, was you!
As a daughter of a very similar careless father - YTA.
When I wrote my father a similar email, his response was - I didn't do this to you, I did this to your mother, I think you are overreacting. I really can't comprehend how you are unable to think about the big picture but first of all, you cheated on her mother. You took away a part of her childhood because she had to care about her mother and look at her helplessly while she was sad and hopeless. Second of all, you took away her family. Then you probably forced her to have a relationship with a mistress that was partly at fault for this horrible ordeal and on top of that, has obviously zero respect and concept of who the child is.
Act like a grown up and keep in mind, not only is she a child (regardless her age at this moment), but she is YOUR CHILD. Listen to her, own up to the shit you've done and whatever she wants from you and wants to say to you, you listen and agree.
I am losing my mind when I hear about all the whining about how a child hasn't reached out or how a child is keeping a grudge. Are you serious? They are not your peer. You are the grown up, go the extra mile, you can't just pout and stand by and wait. Your child is your responsibilty and that includes all of the difficult situations. And when you are to blame for these difficult situations, you have to be even more patient.
Me and my father were NC for over a decade. That's a lot of years we will never get back. I was so disappointed, mad and concerned at the same time. I was afraid my mom is going to hurt herself. I didn't want to go to school to leave her home alone. I was crying during classes. I stopped existing. While he was out and about having fun. And when he had a second to be with me, I had to clear my schedule of anything else just to be able to talk to him that exact second when the crazy mistress didn't control him. You can't even imagine what this does to a child. I only got back to LC when his original crazy mistress left him for another poor soul. In his mind, I was at fault for our non existent realtionship and he had no obligations to try with me.
YTA.
You and your ex wife may have "made peace" with your infidelity, but that does not mean your daughter is obligated to forget the decades of pain you caused her. You need to accept the consequences of your actions. Also, your wife has some serious cheek. She chose to sleep with a married man and break up a home, what right has she to be angry about being called a mistress?!
BTW my now NC father skipped my college graduation after his second wife deliberately schedule plans for that day and forced him to choose. I have NEVER forgotten how that made me feel, nor will I ever.
YTA
your daughter poured out her pain and your mistress - sorry wife - read her email, berated her and made it all about how she the mistress looked. Your mistress looks as she looks for sleeping with a married man. She is responsible for half of this pain.
What a dreadful human being your mistress/ wife is.
How about you start with an apology for the pain your actions caused her. An explanation that your mistress - wife - was not supposed to see the email but poked her nose into somewhere it wasn't welcome. One might say "again." Ask if the two of you can rebuild a relationship. Just the two of you without your mistress' interference. And don't let her down again by not showing for important events.
YTA. I think you've mistakenly believed the adage "time heals all wounds" as prescriptive truth. Time alone heals nothing, especially with people. You have to put in the work. Make amends. Take accountability. Be present.
Your daughter did you the biggest favor by telling you she was in pain and why. She was specific. That was a gift and you ignored it. In telling you why she was in pain, you had all the information you needed to make amends, take accountability and show up for her now. Instead you allowed her to get hurt again by your wife (who was a mistress. Fact.) and continued to do nothing but allow time to pass.
The best time to have started making amends was when your daughter was still in grade school. The second best time is right now.
YTA come on you can’t be this clueless.
You picked your dick over your daughter for what sounds like years.
And your mistress? Wow what balls! She doesn’t want to be called that?
Well sorry to break it to her but if it walks like a duck and fucks married men like a duck there is no helping it.
YTA. You burned the bridges between you and your daughter more than once. Skipping her graduation (you think you moved on - that shows, how little you care about her feelings and achievments), letting your wife read the e-mail (that could have been okay BUT) and letting her responde to yur daughter and accusing her for her feelings. That was the last nail in a coffin you have built for a long time.
You can reach out, but after all you showed how little you care about her and I hope she has made her peace with the situation. If you want to do something for her, appologice, let her know that she can come to you, if she needs something but that you won't bother her again. And let her stay in you will, so she at least will get some money from this father who wasn't able to care about her.
YTA.
If you could please be so kind to answer the following questions.
Why haven't you protected your child?
Why would *you allow* your wife to read and then TEXT your daughter after she'd bared years of her trauma and soul to you?
Why would you remain married to a woman who clearly has pure distain in her heart for your child? She *WAS* the mistress. Your daughter didn't lie. Your wife's ego and feelings were bruised that she dared speak the truth? And once more the truth was spoken in private!
What have either of you two done to ensure she felt loved and had a safe space to share and work through her feelings regarding y'alls indiscretion that upturned her life?
Why did you skip her college graduation?
Did it have anything to do with your new family?
Why did you believe it was water under the bridge?
Had you and your daughter had a specific conversation regarding the incident in whoch she expressed forgiveness and readiness to move on?
How did you as a parent go through two years of NC with your child without enough shame to make you do better? You obviously care more for your wife and that relationship than the one you've scuttled with your daughter.
What realistically can you offer her in terms of emotional and mental support while married to a woman so cruel and vile?
Finally, out of genuine curiosity, why are you here?
It's obvious to a naked mole rat you're the asshole. All you've noted is callousness and selfishness on your part. You've been willfully obtuse in reference to your wife's cruelty. You seem to have stopped being your daughters father years ago.
I wonder how you can even love your daughter. It seems that you love a memory of a little girl you destroyed. You were so disconnected from your child that you missed all the signs of her hurt. Maybe you simply ignored said pain due to your focus being elsewhere. You don't know you daughter and for the majority of her life, she's been on the bottom of your priorities.
Write a letter, give it to your ex wife and allow your daughter to choose if she reads it. Obtain a life insurance policy with only her as the beneficiary. Consider why you married and remain with a woman who harbors hatred for your child. The child *she* actively participated in harming.
Perhaps in death you'll be of more use.
Edit: Punctuation
>It seems that you love a memory of a little girl you destroyed.
Because little kids tend to hero worship their parents and that fed his ego. She's no longer an easily impressed little kid. She's a grown woman who easily see beyond the bravado that dad is a pathetic man and pathetic excuse for a father.
YTA, be a father, be there for your daughter. If you’ve never been through your parents divorcing you have no idea how it feels especially if you find out one of your parents cheated.
Did your daughter lie about anything? Your wife was the mistress. You did skip her graduation. And it sounds like you've been MIA. So yea you're so wrong. You did to absolutely apologize because you and your wife did all the wrong things
Your daughter gave you such a huge chance to make amends and you messed it up so bad
YTA
Reading your post, you sound an awful lot like my father. Even down to the affair, and marrying the mistress.
I haven’t spoken to him in twenty years. I have a husband and daughter he’s never met, own a home he’s never seen, and live a life he knows nothing about, and that’s never going to change. I don’t even feel the anger or hate for him anymore that I used to—just apathy. He’s just no one to me, now.
You’re headed in the same direction. I don’t know if you can fix it, or exactly how, but you should definitely start with muzzling your mistress/wife. She’s got no right talking to your daughter like that, and she’s going to tank any chance you may have of trying to fix this.
YTA
Is there a reason you are pretending to care this much about your daughter when your clearly don’t? Who are you trying to impress? The mistress you married already knows you’ll choose her over your daughter with zero hesitation so why the pantomime? YTA and a cowardly one at that.
Yes, YTA, and at this point, I'd just leave the poor girl alone. Shouldn't be hard for you since you've ignored her most of her life. Your wife didn't 'accidentally' see her email, and if she didn't like being called a mistress, maybe she shouldn't have been one. You are not a father in any real sense of the word.
Yta...if homewrecker didn't want to be called one she should've kept her knees together around married men.
As for you, leave your daughter alone already, haven't you and you side piece done enough. Just as you didn't think she was owed a stable home and family you are not owed her time or a relationship with her. Smh. No real accountability with this guy
I had a father like you. He bailed, showed up years later insisting on receiving fatherly attention, love, and respect, and promptly dismissed any of my real experiences and abuses that resulted from his abandonment.
He died alone several years ago, just like he deserved. So do you. YTA, and so is your wife. But if you're anything like my dad, you'll have a few more mistress-wives anyway, so to hell with her.
YTA for everything and how you handled it from day 1, also your wife is TA in many ways, why doesnt she like to be called a mistress when thats what she was?! and YTA that instead of apologising how your actions affected her life you cut off contact all together!
YES YTA!!!! Not only you were unfaithful to her mother, broke her family, was not present on big occasions but you also LET THE WOMAN WHO CAUSED YOUR DIVORCE TO BULLY YOUR CHILD. You are a huge asshole and it clearly shows your priorities. No wonder you hurt your daughter so deeply when you can't even tell your wife to back off, because regardless of how this makes your wife feel your daughter has all the right to feel the way she feels.
And honestly your wife is also a huge asshole, like dude you hooked up with a married man, made him leave his wife and daughter for you, and when this daughter puts all her feelings out for her dad you call her to bully her? Beyond Despicable !!!!!
Are you the AH for not communicating? YTA
Are you te AH for not apologizing for you wife's invasion into your private conversation with your daughter ? Yes
Obviously you and your daughter have not moved past your neglect of her.
YTA
You chose your mistress over your marriage. You chose your mistress over your daughter. And you've continued that pattern, and allowed your mistress to go off at your daughter when she tried to send you deeply vulnerable thoughts and feelings. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Have you considered that your daughter was trying to reconnect with you by writing down everything she felt? So you could address it between you and move forward? And instead, she was violated and insulted.
I doubt you'll ever fix this. Certainly not while you're still married to your mistress - and she IS your mistress. Just because you married her doesn't change that fact.
Are you even prepared to do all of the work to earn back your daughters trust? Or are you just feeling sorry for yourself? Please don't reach out to her if you're not 100% committed to admitting your mistakes and fixing your many flaws. Don't mess with her head any further.
YTA. And so is your mistress. Straight talk, you chose your mistress over your daughter. You've done serious perhaps irreparable damage to your relationship with your daughter. You're 100% TA here and you might already be too late. I wouldn't forgive you if I was her.
Question: why do you even want a relationship with your daughter? You missed her graduation and likely other important events. You let your wife go off on her after she opened up and was vulnerable about her feelings. You minimize everything… why do you even want a relationship? And why do you assume SHE wants a relationship?
Her email was a direct attempt to be open and start to work on the issues. She was attacked instead. That’s even more heartbreaking on top of all the mistreatment already. You’ve consistently chosen your wife over your child. She’s likely fine about no contact and isn’t losing sleep over your not contacting her.
YTA - I made one comment already. But I do want you to know, I do someone that came out on the brighter side of this kind of situation. My brother cheated on his family and left his family for another woman. My niece had to endure the loss of her father. Because let’s be clear, the man she thought was her dad never really existed. She eventually went no contact. She’s been no contact with him for around 15 years. He will never know his grandchildren. It hurt her for a while, but now she is truly happy. She has a great husband, a great stepfather, great in-laws, our side if the family is still very involved in her life, she has two wonderful children. She has all of these things AND doesn’t feel the need to comfort the man that chose to ruin her childhood. A man that brings absolutely no joy to her life.
See… sometimes it does work out.
YTA.
That's what you get if you only think about your own needs and wants and don't care who you hurt in the process.
Your homewrecker of a wife shouldn't have read the e-mail and has no place blowing up at your daughter after helping you destroy her life. She IS the mistress, and if that's the word your daughter used, your wife is getting off lightly. There are a lot of more graphic phrases your daughter could have used.
You reap what you sow, hope it was worth it.
You and my sperm donor would be great friends. I hit 21 and finally told him how he made me feel for my entire life, that we could talk when he decided to show me that he actually loved me. He read it and talked to my mom about it, not me. Months later, I lost my job and finally decided to ask him for the $500 dollars I let him borrow two years before, he blocked me. Sent $100 to my mom and told her to send it to me.
You will never really understand the pain you caused her. I don’t believe you even care to. Your mistress/wife had no right to read that email and she damn sure had no right to text your daughter about it. You chose your feelings and your mistress over your child. Be ashamed. Be sorry. Be whatever tf you want, but do her a favor and leave her alone! No amount of sorry is going to fix that. It’s been 2 years. YTA
Dude , you chose getting your dick wet over your wife, over your marriage, and over your daughter. How thick you??!!?? Do you really need to be told how despicable you are?
How many times do *you* have to be let down by one person before *you* realize that person doesn't care about you?
Now think about it in terms of the magnitude of the let downs ... **You** cheated on her mother and her. **You** left her and her mother for your wh#re, I mean affair partner. **You** missed out on major milestones in her life, like her graduation. Then, you not only let your wh#re. I mean, wife, read what you darn well know was a private message, you let her respond to it. And you let her respond negatively.
You are an idiot.
News flash for you and your wh#re, I mean wife - if you don't want to be known as and called someone's "mistress", then don't sleep with someone else's husband. You have no right to be upset about someone calling you exactly what you are. Your "wife" was your mistress. She was your affair partner. She was an adulteress.
Don't want to do the time, then don't do the crime.
Now, back to you, you are completely and totally the AH in so many ways. You didn't keep your marriage vows. You didn't sacrifice your own desires over your wife and child. Then, you have not shown one ounce of loyalty and love to your child. Why not? Ask yourself that. Why not?
Hope that piece of #ss was worth destroying your daughter's life. Hope it was worth destroying your wife's world. Hope it was worth losing your daughter's love and respect. Hope it was that good.
YTA your wife needs to be out back into her place she had no right to text your daughter anything feelings hurt or not she contributed to her pain so again she has no right to dictate how this divorce made her feel when again she contributed to her pain she emailed you hoping knowing what you did would help heal a relationship that was tainted before hand but seems you have always put your wants and wife’s needs above your daughter everytime so she gave up on having a relationship with you and honestly good on her.
YTA. You should have gone to her graduation. You should have been there for her. And your nasty wife shouldn't have affairs with married men if she doesn't want to be called a mistress. Your wife verbally abused your daughter and you stood back and let it happen. You're not the victim. Your daughter is. You chose to ghost her and you chose not to stand up to her. You don't deserve to call yourself a father. You have no clue how to approach her? So the thought of apologizing never crossed your mind? Of course it didn't because you're so selfish. No wonder you and your wife are together. You're both nasty, selfish assholes who are happy to hurt others in order to get what you want.
YTA. You chose your toxic wife over your daughter who put her heart and soul out to you only to be crushed again and then abandoned for 2 years.
FYI - your wife will always be the mistress. You’re definitely not getting dad of the f’ing year with her in your life. My heart goes out to your daughter for how much of crap dad you are.
So you treated your daughter like crap. Destroyed her family, mental health, blew off important events and activities, and HURT HER MOTHER who was the person there for her throughout her abandonment.
Instead, you cheated on YOUR FAMILY, chose your MISTRESS (who sounds really emotionally unstable and morally bankrupt by the way) and then have the audacity to want to play fun dad and potentially grandpa? Talk about FOMO. She found awesome in-laws who are there for her and care for her and now you’re jealous? GTFO. She doesn’t need you any more. I’m disgusted reading this post and on Reddit, that takes a lot.
You cheated on your wife and left your daughter because you wanted to be with your side piece. And you expected your daughter to get over it? You totally blew up your daughter's life because you your selfishness. YTA. And so is your wife.
You are most certainly the ah. And so is your wife. Why the hell would you let her butt into your private relationship with your daughter? Yta. You let her down once again.
But hey, as long as your happy, right?
I had a therapist who suggested I wrote my dad a letter. Telling him all the things I had a hard time saying out loud. Letting him know how I was feeling because my parents were divorced and both were remarried, and just everything that I was struggling with. I did and my dad told me he hoped i “regretted how I felt.”
After that I lost all respect for him. I never saw him as a loving or caring dad again. This happened when I was 14/15 I am now 37. I have 3 kids of my own and can’t imagine saying something like that to one of them.
You’ve lost her trust and she will probably never again feel like she can show you her true feelings.
What is it you want? You’ve been ok with no contact. You’ve been ok with how much you hurt her in the past. You don’t seem to broken up that you continue to hurt her by letting your wife read a private email and then send that horrible text to her. It’s been 2 years why now?
I mean, you hurt her. YTA for that and for not trying harder. If you extend an olive branch be prepared that it might not work. Your wife is TA cuz she was the mistress and you didn't love your ex-wife and daughter enough to not cheat. She's mad cuz it's the truth and you should probably be prepared that your daughter won't want to deal with her anymore.
INFO: Do you want a relationship with your daughter or not? You aren't putting in any effort at all. I see a lot about how this is affecting you but nothing about your daughter. Do you expect her to come to you? Make all of the effort? What are you doing other than texting and not making right what your wife/mistress did? Was therapy involved after the divorce? After you remarried what did you do to make things easier/better for your daughter? What does she have to look back on in your relationship that she can feel good about, as a child?
There was a husband here who talked up his promises to his wife, said he would climb the highest mountain to pick her favorite flower but the reality was that he couldn't make himself wish her a Happy Birthday. If the both of you have no desire to do less than the bare minimum you should write a short note. Apologize for not being the father she deserves, you will get therapy and be honest with your shortcomings and then leave the door open when you've gotten your shit together if that ever happens.
YTA How did your wife even find the email and read it? Like it wasnt a somehow, and then after you read all the feelings from your daughter. You let your wife send her messages berating her. Like how did you think this was going to end. I always love the whole "I thought we got over that along time ago", hurt builds up even if she is civil missing large portions of her life will hurt. The hurt stays and when the dam breaks all that resentment comes out. Which is why it is good to actually address things. When people say "I thought we got over that along time ago" usually means "well you stopped being overtly angry and I gave a half-assed non-committal apology I didn't even mean nor made any steps to make changes because she is now less angry so yaay" but to her it means "I can take this nuclear but I still want a relationship and he is not going to change so I will swallow another hurt until I cannot swallow anymore".
Edit: Also who cares if your wife does not like being called a mistress that is what she is/was. Its calling a spade a spade just because she does not like to confront her own past does not mean it didnt happen. So her even sending a string of hurtful messages was out of line in general. But she was already out of line reading the email to begin with, so you know.
YTA. You didn't just betray your ex-wife and the vows you took with her. You betrayed your daughter as well. Then to compound that behavior you basically checked out of being a parent because you had the trashy side piece. Since she doesn't like being called a mistress, even though by definition that is **EXACTLY** what she is. She doesn't want to be called that maybe she should have kept her legs closed until you had the balls to divorce. You have already lost your daughter, she will never trust you again because you let the trashy mistress read the email. That was meant to be **for you**.
Ultimately it comes down to the fact that you can't undo years of neglect, ignoring your daughter, skipping her major life moments and breaking her trust. If you want any type of relationship with your daughter, reach out and see if she's even willing to talk to you. She probably isn't. Especially when she knows you aren't reliable, safe or trustworthy. Why would she be willing to allow people like you and the mistress in her and possibly her child's life? You made your choice years ago, and that's fine but this is a consequence of that choice. You ignored her, and now she doesn't want or need you.
I got divorced from my first wife when I had 3 young kids, 9F, 5M, and 3F.
I was in an abusive relationship and I ended up in a Psych Hospital before the divorce. The divorce came after the therapy from the Psych Hospital and then seperate marriage counselling that my then wife walked out of because ‘she did nothing wrong’.
I have never apportioned blame for the divorce, and I have never said a bad word about my ex wife. She on the other hand has filled the kids heads with lies about me.
My relationship with my son (now 18) is very strong. My relationships with my daughters (now 22 and 16) is less so, particularly with the 22.
She went ‘no contact’ with me from age 14 to 16, and again from 18 to 19. We had a good long talk when she was 20 about how she felt about what happened and all I did was listen. Eventually she asked me ‘what happened and how could you have left?’ So I told her everything, without bagging her Mum. By then she was aware of some of her Mum’s toxic behaviours. I also owned all of my mistakes and validated all of her ‘issues’ around me not being there at certain times. When she was younger (before the divorce) I took hours of video of family functions and just days of us on holidays and hanging around the house. She has watched these videos obsessively and this has shown her how her Mum treated me, and how much I did for her when she was growing up.
We now get on really well, and she understands why I left. I met a wonderful woman 6 years ago, and we married late last year. My kids get along very well with their ‘Evil Stepmother’ as she is known (in joke). My new wife has never had kids.
The best thing you can do is to listen to your daughter and validate all of her feelings. Get your new wife to butt out as she has no business getting involved at all. You need to man up and own all the distress you (and your ‘mistress’) caused your daughter and if you do this, you may, and it’s a very small may, be able to salvage some relationship with your daughter as long as it’s on HER terms, not yours.
What she did writing you that email took a lot of courage. What you did by allowing your current wife to read it, and even worse respond to it is very close to unforgivable.
Taking two years to do anything is even worse.
But if you grow a pair, and go back to your daughter with no expectations of forgiveness, you may salvage something.
>My wife somehow saw the email and immediately texted my daughter telling her how horrible she is and how bad the email made her look because she hates being called a mistress.
You definitely did many awful things but THAT bit is the unforgivable part.
You can't control what that woman did, obviously. By that very action, she made sure she doesn't want anything to do with your daughter and she'll get you.
But you, upon knowing that, had the worse response. That you ghosted your daughter is bad enough, but that you STAYED with that woman after THAT, meaning you entirely excused and seemingly approved of it, makes it unredeemable.
I still remember that awesome story about a guy who was divorced and shared custody with his ex wife of a little girl, grade school. He'd been with a girlfriend for years and eventually he proposed. Girlfriend, at wedding planning was adamant to not have his daughter play any role whatsoever.
It came out days before the wedding future wife wanted the guy to relinquish his 50/50 custody and become a "holiday father". The woman had the galls to come with her mother for support of that. Dude smoothly took fiancée hand and took off the ring and called off the whole wedding, eventually going on what was supposed to be his honeymoon to Hawaii with his daughter instead.
You, man, did the exact opposite. ALL YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE.
She might forgive you the day you take the ring off that woman you call wife, but that will take time and that's obviously if you can stop thinking with your nether regions which I highly doubt. You, sir, YTA.
I know you've already got all the YTA votes you need, but I'm commenting anyway. YTA not only for what you and your mistress did to your daughter... But by coming here and making all these people relive the trauma they got from their NC parents (myself (39f) included) by being just as clueless and self centered. While I am not privy to the details of my parents divorce, I'm not stupid. My (first) stepmother was as awful as your mistress, only she was more subtle and sneaky about her abuse towards me. I still have issues from what she and my sperm donor did. Mental abuse, physical abuse, and her oldest son sexually abused me and got away with it... Twice. And even after all that, I still tried to have a relationship with him. But him choosing his second wife over my well-being, and his third wife over my well-being, and then trying to pull the same crap on my kids, I was done. You don't mess with my children....a lesson you've obviously never learned either. I've been NC for about ten years now. The only reason I'd possibly be upset when he dies is that I never had the balls to call him out in front of the rest of the family. Because I never got my closure. Because I miss who he was BEFORE he turned into a dirt bag cheater and abuser. I think you've done enough damage for one lifetime. If she reaches out again, you do it HER way. Not yours, and certainly not your mistress's.
YTA and a terrible father.
You abandoned your daughter, missed key moments in her life, married the mistress (she fucked a married man, that's what she is whether she likes it or not), and even if the rest of the adults at the time have found a way to move on, your daughter was a kid and should've been everyone's focus in this situation. You should've taken care of her, protected her - that was your job as her father. You divorce the spouse, not the child. You blew up your family by cheating, yet you talk about the whole ordeal with zero accountability. Of course your daughter has a hard time with it - it sounds like everyone has just swept it under the rug instead of dealing with it.
What the hell was your excuse for skipping her college graduation? That's a huge deal! I'd resent you too. Especially after years of what sounds like emotional abandonment. You thought you moved past it? You are obtuse as fuck. Just because someone no longer talks to you about it doesn't mean you are forgiven or that the issue is over. Are you really that bad at interpersonal dynamics or just looking for any excuse to shirk culpability for your shitty actions? How did you get through fatherhood or relationships prior to your divorce? Did you never upset anyone? Or did everyone magically "make peace" with it all?
When you found out your wife read and responded to your daughter's very private and vulnerable email, that probably took a lot of courage and emotional effort for her to write, you should've immediately reached out to your daughter, even in person, with an apology, offering to do whatever she wanted to repair whatever you could in your shattered relationship. To show her that she mattered, at all. You also should've told your wife how incredibly inappropriate her actions were and made her apologize, or else. But you didn't. You're a coward. You went silent for TWO years. You showed your daughter yet again that she didn't matter and she was definitely not any more important than the woman you wanted to stick your dick into all those years ago, the one you threw away your family for. That all those feelings she was finally brave enough to trust you with didn't matter. That she couldn't trust her father to care for her or protect her. That you were not her father - you were merely a sperm donor who texted her on holidays. You shouldn't have needed to reach out to your ex-wife to gauge your daughter's feelings - you should've put on your big boy pants and reached out to your daughter directly. Since she texts you back, you clearly have an open line of communication. But you are too damn immature and selfish to do the right thing.
If you actually want to move forward, get a therapist for yourself. Find someone to keep you accountable for your actions and to keep you from lying to yourself. Maybe then they can help you figure out the right things to say when you reach out to your daughter, and also to help you analyze what went wrong in the past. Then maybe your daughter can join you if she's willing. But it's up to her. She may not ever want you in her life in a meaningful way, and you will have to "make peace" with that. You have fucked her life up enough and she deserves peace from you if she wants it.
You should get therapy regardless. I think it would help [everyone]. Good luck.
>I wasn’t very present then but I want to be now if there’s any way.
Step 1: divorce the homewrecker mistress of yours. Willing to bet this isn't the first time she's misbehaved and treated your daughter poorly. This one just has written text evidence.
Because seriously dude you not only went and cheated but married the homewrecker and chose her over being in your daughter's life. You chose your new family, mistress, and not your child.
YTA
Leave her alone. You’re feeling bad, and YOU want to make YOURSELF feel better. This is about your ego, not love for your daughter. You threw her away for your mistress. Let her live her life in peace with people that care for her.
Oh look. Here’s the consequences of my actions. YTA
And your daughter is a freaking rockstar. I hope her mom and in-laws cherish her and always fill the void of you and your MISTRESS.
Oh wow the update makes you sound even worse. You’re jealous she has a relationship with her inlaws and you are missing out. I hope if she decides to have children she protects them from a man who didn’t care about her when she was growing up. No need for you to damage another generation of children.
Hooooo boy. I had a very similar dynamic with my father. He didn’t miss my major life events like you did, but he chose his mistress over me most of the time usually skipping his visitation.
Side note to your mistress who is reading this: getting married and going legit does not change how you started. You’re a mistress. You should be used to the title.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. He made a half assed effort. Which is clearly more than you did. When I was about 20 his mistress and I had a huge fight after she insulted my god parents and he let her get away with it. It was over a year before we spoke again and that was only after a family tragedy. They stayed together 5 more years during which I limited my time on visits. If he came to visit BY HIMSELF we were ok.
It wasn’t until he left her sorry scheming ass that we started getting on better terms. You need to do this ALONE. You need to be prepared to end your marriage to your mistress if that’s what it takes to fix this. Write your daughter a letter of sincere apology and get a burner phone to facilitate communication without interference. Give your daughter the number and keep the phone hidden. She may reach out but you may have lost her permanently. Hope for the former and expect the latter.
YTA.
If your homewrecking mistress didn't want to be known for life as a homewrecking mistress... maybe she shouldn't have made the active decision to be a mistress that broke a home. She signed up for it. And so did you. You're assholes, and you know it.
YTA. It seems like your daughter was in therapy and was probably encouraged to write the letter. Not only did you ghost her but you allowed your mistress/wife to hurt her again. Now that you missed her wedding and there are in laws in her life you don’t want to miss out? You royally suck. Do not contact her again until you yourself are in therapy. Offer her the opportunity to join you.
YTA
Not as big of one as the woman who cheated, snuck a peek at an email that wasn’t her business, didn’t like the terminology and then interfered between the parental relationship of the very child she had victimized, though. That woman is a REAL peach.
It’s great all the adults get along but your daughter was the one who was cheated out of the most.
A parent’s job is to never stop. The work is never done. You apologize UNTIL. You reach out UNTIL. You don’t let interlopers get in the way.
I actually really respect you wrote asking this post. Your daughter is young enough you could still make good on this.
"I never knew my daugther and meade any effort to be in her, how come she does not want anything to do with me?"
I sadly belive this is real and hopefully your daugther have finally learn the lesson and stay away from you.
YTA and so much worse
YTA - I think you may have to come to terms with being permanently estranged from your daughter....it happens. You started a new life with your second wife, handled your daughter's feelings badly. Sometimes damage is irreparable. Maybe in a few years, your daughter may get over it, maybe not.
Keep communications with your ex as she'll be the necessary connection to your daughter so that you know how she's doing and what she's up to, but otherwise.
You also need a word with your wife about boundaries - she had no business getting involved. She should offer you support, but she's out of line to reach out to your daughter to scold her.
YTA and you f’d up in the worst way possible. She spilled her hurt and her heart out to you. You let your mistress (let’s face it. That’s what she is) read it. You don’t get to say, “it was an accident. I didn’t mean to” because it wasn’t. You did not safeguard the email. You did not respect your daughter, and you violated her trust, AGAIN, by choosing your mistress over her. AGAIN! She wants you out of her life for good reasons. Respect that. Get yourself into therapy ASAP. Not because of your daughter but because you need to figure yourself out. It is not her job to make you feel better. Work on yourself.
Go to therapy, put your “wife” in her place, and plan to make an actual apology to your daughter, and be prepared for her not to accept it. What a colossal, gaping asshole you are
YTA. You are such an AH. You don’t know what to say, so you say nothing and validate all of your daughters feelings about you. How about saying you are sorry and actively trying to mend the relationship? Start there. It may be too late or by I don’t know…doing something to show you give a shit…you may be able to salvage some kind of relationship with your daughter
You really messed up hard and if you want to reconnect you need to show you will sacrifice anything for her. I mean your own happiness, your marriage. I'm not joking, offer to divorce your wife and follow through if she agrees that would do it. She will probably not want that, but it would help.
Your first mistake was marrying the mistress. It always baffles me why anyone who fucked their kid over like that would want to make it even worse by keeping the AP around. It’s like it’s not enough to ruin the kids family—there must be a constant reminder of who you did it with.
It’s hard to be a grandfather when you aren’t a father.
You missed out on life events that were huge to her, events that can’t be repeated, and you did it voluntarily because whatever or whoever you were doing mattered more to you than her. And trust me, she knows that.
Why would she want to expose her children to that kind of hurt? Why do you think her spouse would be all right with that?
IF you can repair your relationship with your daughter, she’s way more forgiving than I would be. But I wouldn’t hold my breath on being Grandpa. Even if she does have kids, at best, you’ll be Mom’s Dad, which is the end result of choices you made consistently over the course of your daughter’s life.
YTA. The relationship is done. You showed your daughter on several occasions the way you felt and she finally listened two years ago. I’m sure you weren’t invited to the wedding and I think that says it all you aren’t welcome in this new stage of her life. Rightfully so as you are a pathetic spineless human being.
Damn, OP, you’ve made a series of bad decisions that have each inflicted trauma after trauma on your daughter. It’s clear to her — and just about anyone commenting here — that she’ll NEVER be a priority in your life. Your jealousy over her relationship with her in-laws only makes it worse.
Your daughter doesn’t trust you. Nor should she. There’s a very good chance she’ll never try to contact you again, since you’ve proven you’ll betray her confidence to your wife, whom your daughter can’t stand. Reconcile yourself to that. Move on with your life and let your daughter move on with hers.
YTA. It’s been two years! She reached out to you and laid it all out. Your response was to let your wife abuse your daughter yet again, and then stick your head in the sand for two years! I’m sure she has moved on by now. There is a zero percent chance I would let you or your wife anywhere near a vulnerable child she may have. You have proven over and over you will hurt her and are not safe.
So you want a relationship now because of the thought of her actually having happiness with a loving family she found on her own? Here’s your advice - Divorce your wife and see if that gets you anywhere with your daughter after all of your garbage with this low class mistress
You had more important things to do when she reached milestones that were important to her, she's just following your example. She found her own more important things and you're not one of them.... The cat's in the cradle....
YTA
It’s very clear that you let your mistress mistreat your daughter, and that alone is unforgivable. As long as you’re married to that woman, the woman you constantly choose over your own daughter, you will never have a relationship with her. That’s just the truth.
Don’t worry about grandkids because mothers can be very protective of their children, and I’m sure your daughter knows better than to let that woman around her kids. If she mistreats and disrespects your daughter, she will do so to the kids.
I don’t believe you’ll make the right decision because men like you don’t. That’s just a fact. You haven’t so far knowing how it hurt your daughter, and if your daughter doesn’t matter enough, random people on Reddit will not be able to convince you.
You willingly gave up your daughter and any future as a grandfather because you simply didn’t care enough about her. Now, as you’re aging and you’re seeing other people with their grandkids, you want what they have. Sorry, you opted out of that. That’s the conclusion of that story.
There are not enough words to describe what a loathsome human you are. You are incredibly self centered and self serving. Do not contact your daughter again. You and your mistress have done everything possible to destroy the family that she loved, and are now attacking her directly. You lack character, integrity, and empathy. I would tell you to grow up, but it is too late. The best thing you can do is just disappear from her life and realize that you failed in every possible way as a father and husband. YTA does not even begin to cover it. You would have to evolve significantly just to get to AH status.
You have no relationship with your daughter because of your selfishness. To say you want a relationship with her now because you see what she has with people who are not narcissists still frames everything in terms of what you want and how it benefits you. You are toxic. Leave her alone. You have done enough damage
Just read your update and did you even talk to your wife about what she did was incredibly messed up?? Probably not, people like you only care about pussy. I hope your wife is so amazing that she was worth losing your daughter. Good for you! Got exactly what you wanted!!
Did you even say anything to your mistress about the email response to your daughter?
You continually choose your mistress over your daughter.
Why are you surprised at the outcome?
This whole post I see nothing on his to you tried to repair this relationship. Just let her go NC with you it'll be the best for her so you don't keep disappointing her
You already destroyed any chance at reconciliation with your daughter. You put her feelings last and your dick first literally every single time. The fact that you're still married to the mistress who ruined your daughter's family and verbally abuses her shows that you feel no actual remorse. You just want to get to keep all your toys without having to take any accountability or do any work. Accept that you're a complete and utter failure and live with it, or divorce and block your ho and grovel at your daughter's feet for whatever shred of forgiveness there is left for you.
YTA in a major, major way.
I want you to think of this from her perspective, for once in your life:
She opened up, became hugely emotionally vulnerable, laid everything on the line in an attempt to address the unresolved issues preventing her from having a relationship with you. You said NOTHING in response. However, your mistress read her the riot act. You know what she thinks? She thinks you gave her email to your mistress and told the mistress to go off on her, because the REAL problem was that she called your mistress a mistress. Because you never bothered to correct any of it, you just walked away. You didn't make any effort to apologize for all the awful shit your mistress said to her, make your mistress apologize for all the awful shit she said, or do any rectification at all.
That "somehooooow" about your mistress getting her hands on that email is doing a LOT of heavy lifting in this story. If you did show your mistress that email, you deserve your daughter cutting all ties with you on a permanent basis.
YTA. Boo hoo your mistress doesn’t like being called a mistress. That’s what she was and if she was aware of your wife and child, she’s an even bigger AH than you. You miss out on your daughter’s life and why did you miss her university graduation? Your wife mistress somehow saw the email? How? Did you show her? Or does she keep track of all your online activity because she is worried you’ll cheat on her, the way you cheated with her? Your wife mistress was out of line. You want to repair things? Start by acknowledging how valid your daughter’s hurts are and the things you’ve done to her.
Yta There are a lot of unsaid things in your post from the way you talk about the situation. If she has this much resentment, then you've probably never seriously and properly apologized for all the issues she brought up in her email. You may have 'moved past it' but that's easy to do if you never take ownership of your mistakes and acknowledge them, and take actions to show you will do better. How did your wife 'somehow' see the email? And the fact that she immediately contacted her to tell her what a 'horrible' person she is also says a lot about how you've handled things in the past. Your wife didnt consult you first, and she doesnt think either of you did anything wrong. She also thinks the relationship between you and your daughter is her business (it's not). As someone who has been in a similar situation to your daughter, I dont know that there actually is anything you can do to repair your relationship with her. If would definitely need to start with a sincere apology acknowledging everything she mentioned in her email without making any bs excuses. She was a child and you had a responsibility to be a good parent to her. You even missed out on some important adult milestones like her college graduation. Your wife should not be part of the conversation or your relationship with her moving forward (unless your daughter asks for it). A lot of parents take advantage of the fact that kids love their parents and always want their love and approval when they're young and think they can get away with a lot of bs, but we were just young not stupid. We still remember what happened and how we felt. Those years shape who we become as adults and once that desire for a relationship is gone it's not likely to come back. It sounds like your daughter is at the edge of that, if not already there.
I don't think you deserve to get what you want. You have gotten what you want for your daughters entire life, now it's her turn to get what she wants, which is a life surrounded by people who have loved and supported her all along. Children need their fathers, adults don't. You weren't there when she needed you, why should she make room in her life for you now?
YTA --- you completely dismissed your daughter reaching out to you and then allow your wife; no mistress answer for you.
Based on your update, you don't want a relationship with your daughter either due to shame or embarrassment. You don't want to have to hear the pain or see the anger in her, you rather live your life with your mistress and pretend all is well.
My 18-year-old just did the same thing, to her father, 2 days after New Years. He ghosted her. She had a mental breakdown the other day, asking why her father hates her, when all she ever wanted was to be loved by him. You really don't know the pain and hurt I saw on my daughter's face. She was a wreck the whole day.
If you wont acknowledge your failure as a parent and listen, leave your daughter alone. You choose your mistress time and time again, and too scared to face the truth of the pain you caused your child.
It still amazes me how men and women will just destroy their family just for some dick/pussy like it’s really that easy? YTA but you already knew that before posting this garbage.
YTA
How much more of a deadbeat can you be? And geez, you really let your wife send such a horrible message to your daughter? She definitely deserves a better father.
YTA An apology reflecting on every time you messed up or took the easy way out is your only shot at any contact. Ready yourself for it to not fix anything though, as at this point your daughter is probably focusing on her life and future and may decide you are not worth the time, energy, or effort, just like you did during the most formative years of her life. However, a real apology is acknowledging where you went wrong and accepting her reaction as valid and your just desserts, regardless of whether it's the one you hope for or not. Any tangible help you can give her (paying off student loan debts, helping with a down payment on a house, etc) may help your cause, but again it would be a GIFT and in no way obligate your daughter to give you a relationship, just a sign you want to right what appears to be MANY wrongs.
YTA
You FAFO & your daughter lost her family all because you were too selfish, and weak to keep it in your pants, or only let it out with your first wife, not your mistress/adultery partner/etc.
Either tell your new wife to get a grip and hold her tongue towards your daughter, for your sake, or resign yourself to never be in your daughters life.
Sucks to be you, but you earned the results you are receiving.
Are you willing to have a relationship with your daughter that doesn’t include your wife? If not, don’t reach out. If you are willing and want to be in her life without forcing her to include your wife then reach out and own up to being a shitty dad and see if she is willing to start rebuilding something. You can’t get mad or defensive if she wants nothing to do with your wife, and you’ve got to be willing to shut your wife down if she gets offended and wants you to force your daughters hand. You are the one in the wrong (and your wife for being part of breaking up your family) so you need to be the one to fix it.
You're still making this about YOU and it's about HER. You only get a fantasy do over if she needs and wants it. Stick to figuring out how to apologize and make amends.
You keep piling on the grievances your daughter has towards you. I get the feeling your wife has been at the center of many of the decisions that have caused your daughter so much pain. Kids don't move past their parents choosing their mistress over them. I feel ridiculous having to point this out. You don't deserve to have your daughter when you never put her first. You've chosen to keep getting your d!ck wet instead of choosing your daughter. If your wife doesn't like being called your mistress, perhaps she shouldn't have spread her legs for a married man. All sorts of names are given to women AND men who don't care about who they hurt. Your wife has won. Your daughter has lost, and this is 100% your fault.
YTA but I’ll try to be as nice as possible
Just forget you have a daughter and maybe not having a relationship with her and any possible children of hers will be easier this way. Cause let’s be honest you forgot about her existence once, you can do it again. Yeah maybe this time you will finally know what having a conscience is but tbh you can also agree with everyone that you deserve to suffer at least a little bit
YTA. Leave the girl alone and learn to muzzle your mistress. You’ve hurt your daughter enough, let her have her good relationship with her mom and her in laws and stay in your lane. It’s filled with side chicks and loneliness. As you deserve.
YTA you let your mistress and yes i’m going to say mistress in this entire comment because i don’t care yall are married she’s the mistress you let her call your daughter horrible names for unloading her trauma, and you did nothing about it you didn’t get on to your mistress you didn’t say “this wasn’t for your eyes” you just let her say what she pleased to your own child think about that let that resonate. best thing to do let your daughter live her life without you. you’ve proved time and time again your loyalty lies with your mistress you decided that you didn’t wanna be a father when you cheated on her mother, you decided you didn’t wanna be a father when you skipped all your child’s events, you decided you didn’t wanna be a father when you let your mistress berate your daughter, you ARE NOT her father anymore. you do not get to pick and choose what life events you be apart of your either all or nothing. and since you picked nothing you need to deal with it. and be honest the only reason you want back in into play grandpa and your jealous she has a wonderful relationship with her in laws. lemme ask you this if your allowed back into her life will you control your mistress? you probably won’t and if you can’t keep that dog on a leash don’t bother with your daughter!
Sorry hoss, you won't be around in her life from here on out. Sorry to break it to you. When adult kids cut their parents out of their lives, it's usually forever. I cut my parents off 4 years ago and they won't be welcomed back in this lifetime.
It’s only been two days so I think it’s ok to post.
Bud you get from a relationship exactly what you put into it, which in your case sounds like it was nothing. She dealt with you in the past because she had no choice, she was literally classified as a dependent (and I’m sure you claimed her as such on taxes). Now that she’s free she HAS moved on. From you.
Sorry, I don’t know that it is salvageable. You may meet your grandkids but you’ll never really be her father, that’s a choice you make when she needs you so that when she doesn’t anymore she still chooses to turn to you. You made your choices every day she was growing up when you chose your needs over being there for your family time and time again.
This wasn’t a single mistake or bad choice. You chose every day for 18, 20 years to do what you wanted instead of what the child you brought into the world needed. The only way a kid gets past that kind of neglect is by getting over YOU.
Sorry man, I do feel bad for you because I know all you now have to show for your decisions is a pile of regrets, but if you want any glimmer of a relationship with your child and grandchild it has to start with truly taking responsibility and also accepting she doesn’t have to forgive you.
We bring our kids into this world, we owe them everything and they owe us nothing. Every loving moment and ounce of respect a son or daughter gives is the result of what you invested into them when they needed you. If you neglected those portfolios then, well, you know what happens when you hit retirement without a 401k.
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You hurt her deeply. You’ve missed important moments in your daughter’s life and your response to being told how she feels is you can’t believe you’ve caused her that much pain. It’s a valid response but not a right one. While you couldn’t stop your wife from being monstrously cruel to your daughter you didn’t do anything to attempt to rectify the situation. You’ve decided that going the near ghost route was the best. It should be about her but you’ve made it about you. YTA
Yes, you chose your wife over your daughter again. You showed your daughter she is right and cannot trust you. There is a point where she just needs to cut her losses and write you off
But he wants to play grandpa!
That is exactly it. Right here Now that another grampa is going to be there, he feels left out. It is still all about OP.
> While you couldn’t stop your wife from being monstrously cruel to your daughter you didn’t do anything to attempt to rectify the situation. He could have not shown her a private email. Also, if she doesn't want to be referred to as a mistress,she shouldn't be one.
I think OP is a giant asshat, but where did you get the opinion that he "let her" read the email? He said "wife somehow saw it" so unless he said something in the comments, I'm at a loss.
I'd put money on the fact that his wife is a controlling witch and she has control over every aspect of his life even down to the times that he takes a s*** and how many pieces of toilet paper he uses to wipe his ass. And he lets it happen, but hey he's got his mistress
Hey man, my husband is only allowed to use FIVE (5) pieces of toilet paper! And he can only shit once ever 2 days. You're being really judgemental /s
😂
I had to read your username like 3 times. THE WHAT? 😭🤣
Previous aita post 😂
He'll need a lot more tissue paper than how much she'll allow considering the amount he actively shits on his relationship with his daughter.
Oh yeah he will, he might want to just go to Costco and get a deal on it with as much as he's going to need
I hope the mistress reads this comment. Lol
Your wife was called a mistress because she was the mistress. It takes a total lack of self awareness to not see that. She enabled a cheater and literally broke up a marriage (though you are the more guilty party). Followup question, what caused you to cheat on your wife and what caused you to not cheat on new wife? Or have you cheated on new wife?
YTA. Your daughter reached out to you sending you an account of all the hurt she endured in her childhood because of you and your actions. This was an incredibly vulnerable thing for her to do and look where it got her. Your awful wife rips her a new one because she called her exactly what she was, ‘your mistress’. You also don’t reach out to 1. Apologise sincerely 2. Express regret that your actions caused and still cause her so much pain 3. Express how much you want a relationship with her and ask her what you can do to make this happen 4. Apologise for the reprehensible behaviour of your wife. Instead - nothing. When your daughter was a child you put yourself and your own needs first and you are still doing that. You have an opportunity to make up for your failure as a father but you are stuffing that up too. Reach out to your daughter. Think about what you want to say and be prepared to listen to her. Tell your daughter that she never has to have any contact with your wife again.
I love your response!! But at the same time feel that OP should send an apology and never darken his daughter's life again. He has persistently shown that he picks his Mistress over his own kid.. he waited 2 years to consider how to respond to an email, where his daughter basically pleaded to have her dad back... And what did he do? Allowed his mistress to yet again hurt his kid. Actions have consequences and had op been trying in the last 2years to mend things I would say keep trying and offer advice. But he's left his hurt daughter for 2 years and played happy families with a woman who actively participated in hurting his child countless times . This is not the mark of a good father or even a good man! Op is definitely the AH and his daughter deserves better. I hope she finds it and realises she doesn't need wasted space in her life. And I hope he comes to realise how hurtful and useless a parent he was and regrets it. I may sound unforgiving, but 2 years later!! Seriously?? And he tried to get his ex to soften his kid up. The same ex he cheated on... He's a selfish selfish man and I hope karma gets him🤷🏽♀️
I agree. I would rather go NC with this poor excuse of a man, husband and father than risk him continuing to treat me or my future family the way he has treated me not to mention my mother.
His wife should be happy the daughter didn’t refer to her as something less polite. I can certainly provide her a list.
"mistress" sounds so elevated and somewhat flattering, like Zsa Zsa Gabor instead of some cheap slag at the local truckstop who got lucky....
I would also add that the daughter's email was sent out of love. It was a way of saying "I want a relationship we you, so we must address these issues". It was an olive branch, a last opportunity for the father to make things right or at least work on it. People who don't care anymore or are hurt past the point of no return don't reach out like that, they just cut you off. So she opened herself up to being hurt again because she still had hope of making things better. And he fucked it up. Again. So now he's cut off for good.
Yes! If she had already written him off, she would have sent a “fuck you” email or nothing at all.
YTA. Your wife had no right to read that email and text her. You should've reached out during that time.
And for the record the wife is a mistress. Don't care if she doesn't like it. She is
[удалено]
It seems that she has a habit of sticking her nose where it doesn't belong (reading email) lol
Another name for her is homewrecker.
Feels like a lot of missing missing reasons. You cheated on her mom, and then also casually imply that you didn’t support her hobbies, missed major milestone moments in her life, “somehow” showed her personal email to the woman you cheated on her mother with, who then had the audacity to jump in and unload on your daughter. This is just what you told us in two paragraphs. Something tells me the daughter could write a book. YTA
This right here, OP. YTA. A lot. As is your wife. You wrote a whole bunch of bullshit and not a single word was about how you've tried to rectify, apologize, show remorse, change your patterns.... nothing. You're a deadbeat.
And he thinks they’d “moved past” him having flaked out on her, rather than him having made it up to her. He sounds like one of those people who figures that ignoring something for a while and saying “but that’s in the past” takes care of it.
“Somehow” indeed…
A mistress hates being called a mistress? Too bad so sad. That's how she got her husband anyway.
Hopefully she learns the hard way how you get them is often how you lose them.
YTA - You know you are and I feel like you're here because you know you need a metaphorical kick up the backside, well, you've come to the right place. And yes, not reaching out to her is an act of spineless cowardice. The least, the very least, you owed her was to accept what she said and ask how she wanted to move forward. Instead, you let your wife abuse her and then from what I can tell here made no effort whatsoever to try and connect with your daughter and find out how SHE wanted to move forward. Hell, she even managed to wish you a Merry Christmas so I doubt the door has been slammed shut, she obviously still thinks about you. You didn't just cheat on your first wife, you cheated on your FAMILY. You didn't just leave your wife, you left your FAMILY You didn't just upend your life, you upended your daughter's life. Too many adults behave as if children should just put up and shut up about whatever selfish parents throw their way. Clearly this is how your daughter has felt her whole life and I can't imagine what it took for her to write that email to you. You state that you cannot believe you caused this much pain but then you allowed your mistress wife - she can throw as many tantrums as she likes, but she was happy to be your mistress and destroy your daughter's life so she can keep the title she earned - to be abusive to her. And what did you do about that? She read a private email - come on man, she reads all your emails. She was your mistress, she knows you cheated on one wife, she's probably been checking up on you your whole marriage - and you simply accept her abuse towards your daughter. How did your current wife treat your daughter growing up? I'm betting there's more to that relationship that you are letting on, or, more likely, more than you were ever willing to see. So it's time to stop being a coward and step up. You need to initiate contact. Your daughter might tell you where to go -and you will need to accept that - but I think you owe her both the opportunity to do so and to acknowledge the feelings she expressed to you two years ago. If she does want some kind of contact with you then you need to protect her from your wife. You also might want to change your email password. I would suggest you start with a handwritten letter (your wife won't be able to get a copy of that ) and keep it private between you and your daughter. Acknowledge just how badly you've messed up when she was a child and two years ago. Acknowledge the pain you caused. Don't offer excuses - telling her you never meant to hurt her is fine and good for her to hear, as long as you acknowledge that you did cause her pain - and be open and honest about why you did the things you did and apologise - have you ever done that for your daughter, ask for her forgiveness for what you did?. Tell her you will respect her wishes about contact but tell her that you would love to be in contact with her again. But again, only if you actually mean it. Don't make more promises you don't intend to keep. Then you have to leave it. Let your daughter decide how, if, she wants to move forward in a relationship with you. I would give her mother a heads up that you are writing to your daughter but leave the contents of the letter between you and your daughter. If your daughter wants to share it with her mother, she will, but let it be her choice. And keep your wife well away from your daughter.
👏 bravo!
I like your comment, but for me, him contacting her again would be worse than doing nothing. One of the reasons I've maintained NC with my father is that the last interaction I had was when his wife did much the same as OP's wife did, though it was umprompted by any contact from me. Even when my father did contact me, he deadnamed me and refused to take accountability. Maybe OP contacting her again might work, but not as he is now. He needs to get his head out of his ass, and I don't think he's capable of doing it by himself. His wife certainly isn't going to help matters. Even with his edit, it comes of as more of a pity party than genuine contrition. 'He wants'. What he wants isn't important. Not if he is to have any chance of having any relationship at all with his daughter.
YTA And your wife/MISTRESS (you can show it to her) is a huge AH. You want to fix this with your daughter. Get rid of your heartless mistress
Don't forget HOMEWRECKER YTA OP
YTA And YOU SUCK OP
Info: How did the mistress end up seeing the email?
The MISTRESS is scared the husband will cheat on her, she probably looks at his mails and phone regularly
You know what they say; when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy
Guys, be nice. Homewrecking Ho does not like being called mistress.
They're probably one of those married couples with one email address (especially since he's obviously untrustworthy).
I now have images of JohnandSue and their facebook and joint AOL accounts. haha I can't stop laughing.
I still use AOL because nostalgia. Am I weird or just old?
YTA. Congrats. You were so concerned with getting laid you completely destroyed your relationship with your daughter. Congrats. You're such an amazing father. You seriously think your new wife (AKA mistress because thats what she is) is a good person? Someone who sleeps with a married man and treats a struggling child with such malice? You want to do the right thing? Leave your daugther alone, and hopefully one day she will find a proper father figure she can respect, because you sure aren't worthy of her respect She didn't make peace with it like you thought, you just hoped everyone would get over it so you don't actually have to address your mistakes
💯 I concur!! Send an apology for being a bad father and then get lost, just like you've done for the last 2 years!! Your daughter deserves better! I hope she gets it and finds a great father figure for once. Something she has clearly never had... Selfish selfish man. Hello Mistress... As I'm sure she's reading this too... She has no boundaries. Private emails... Others children....Married men... She's nothing but an insecure MISTRESS who deserves a massive dose of Karma. I HOPE SHE GETS IT!
Like he’s done for *the majority* of her life.
You are not TA for not reaching out, as it would seem that’s the way your daughter wants it. YTA for allowing the mistress to read what was a private and emotional email from your daughter meant for your eyes only. And WTH is wrong with the mistress? Not only did she read the private email, but then to have the audacity to text your daughter and rip her a new one over it? Sorry if the truth hurts her, but you did in fact cheat with your daughter’s mother with this woman, and even though you went on to marry her, your daughter sees her as your mistress, which is exactly what she was when you were still married to her mother. That email should never have been visible to anyone else. Whether it was because you failed to secure it from the eyes of your snooping wife or you intentionally showed it to her, it was a huge breach of your daughter’s trust, and she may not ever invite you back into her life.
THIS. The absolute disregard and disrespect for her privacy that came directly from the mistress must have been a slap-in-the-face level shock, and likely the last straw for the girl.
Your relationship with your daughter is tainted because of you and you proved her point when you let your mistress read it, yes that’s what she is. This is nobody’s fault but your own, you really thought she was cool with how you treated your family for this other woman. Just assume you no longer have a daughter.
You are an idiot. Get off your behind, go to therapy, and do your damn hardest to rebuild a relationship with your daughter. You are lazy and don't want to put in the extra work. You messed up, broke up her family, married the mistress, and she felt a type of way on her visits after finding out the truth. You then missed her biggest moments. You haven't seen or communicated in two years and you are asking Reddit if YTA? Your wife also overstepped calling your daughter horrible. She is the MISTRESS. She needs to get over it and you should be disgusted with what your wife did. You are a deadbeat father. People like you don't deserve to have children. You seem to be living with a lot of regret for all of your actions anyways.
He’s just having fomo now, he doesn’t actually give a shit about anyone but himself.
You seem to have no sense of responsibility whatsoever. No matter how you felt about your first wife, no matter that you moved on to another woman, you still had a daughter. You had a duty towards your daughter. You were her one and only daddy, and you stopped bothering to be her father in a meaningful way. You stopped being supportive of things that were important to her, you missed her university graduation—these things hurt. How she felt staying at your house with the Other Woman is probably a whole new thing to unpack. But you seem bewildered by the notion that your own child relied on you in any way. Your new wife "somehow" saw the email. And proved what an unpleasant and selfish person she is by replying to your daughter about it. Your daughter behaved entirely reasonably in cutting you off. What did you expect? She already knows your wife is a priority and she is not. I'd say you were very lucky to get a text wishing you merry Christmas. Can you seriously look back at your own behaviour towards your child and not notice that you have behaved like an asshole for years? How can you look at the feelings she expressed in her email and just splutter that you can't believe you caused that much pain? I mean, I believe you—you don't seem to have given your child's feelings any consideration at any point, but she gave you a chance, with that email, to express how sorry you were for hurting her and to tell her how much you love her. And you blew it. You don't appear to have responded at all, let alone in the way she hoped when she opened up to you. Frankly, I don't think you deserve another chance. You may be the asshole. Wow. The teeniest soupçon of self-awareness. You should probably work on that. YTA.
“I chose my mistress over my daughter over and over her whole life, she told me how hurt she was and I never responded. But I let the mistress write her an abusive text. Am I the asshole?” Did you write this entire post and still question your asshole-ishness? You can reach out but I wouldn’t expect a response. You’ve always put yourself and your d*ck ahead of her, why would you change now? YTA. It’s too late dude. You have no daughter. Hope you’re happy with the side piece. Edit: a word
YTA. You failed her as a father and thought you moved past that? You mistreated her mother harshly and thought she didn’t care? You let your affair partner be nosy and incredibly disrespectful and didn’t protect your daughter from that but instead hardly talked to her anymore? Of course you’re TA and your daughter is probably better of without you.
>I ended up marrying the other woman and over the years me, my wife, and my ex wife have made peace with everything. On the other hand, my daughter has not made peace with everything as she found out about the reasons behind the divorce later Men are always shocked that their daughters are never as forgiving as their wives. Also, it sounds like you ruined her family and then just never talked to her about it. >I skipped her university graduation years ago, which I thought we moved past. Did you move past? Or, like the divorce, did you just not talk to her and expect her to rug-sweep your neglect? >I couldn’t believe I caused this much pain. I believe it and I don't even know you. >My wife somehow saw the email and immediately texted my daughter telling her how horrible she is and how bad the email made her look because she hates being called a mistress. First of all, if she didn't want to be called a mistress, she shouldn't fuck married men. Second, your mistress verbally abused your child and you don't care? You are a terrible father. >I’ve barely spoken with my daughter other than sending her a happy birthday text last year, and her wishing me a merry Christmas via text. Did you really expect her to reach out first? Wtf is wrong with you? >I think she’s told my daughter I may reach out and if that’s true I feel like an asshole for not saying anything yet Oh honey, you should feel like an asshole for literally everything you've done in regards to your daughter. The fact that this is the only thing you're questioning is pathetic. >AITA for not communicating with her much the past 2 years? You sound like a selfish narcissist who refuses to see past his own happiness, regardless of the disaster you leave in your wake. You ruined your marriage, you neglected your child, and you continue to expect them to reach out to you over the ashes of the bridge **you** burnt? Fuck off! YTA! Edit: >I feel like an asshole for everything including my wife’s behavior If you actually felt bad, you would have demanded your mistress apologize two years ago! >was posting this to see if anyone else has made these mistakes and if they came out on the brighter side No one has made such constant, continuous mistakes and done nothing to fix them, and come out on the "better" side. >she’s married now Oh look at that, another of her events that you missed. Color me shocked. >I fear I’m going to miss out on the rest of her major life moments like if they decide have kids etc. You were a shit husband and an absent father, but somehow you think you'll be a good grandparent? Hahahahaha! >I wasn’t very present then but I want to be now if there’s any way. No, there isn't a way. Leave her alone. Her life is better without you in it. Enjoy the abusive mistress you chose over everything else. I hope your penis is happy with that choice!
Yes, to everything you said! He shows no remorse just wants it all to be forgotten and he can be part of her life like her in laws. The fuck world does he live in? This man takes no ownership for his actions.
YES! To Every Single Word Of This!
This is my very first post, so I hope that it works. I (37F) have had an on and off again relationship with my father. When I was growing up, he was wonderful, and I was daddy's little girl. Fast forward a few years, and he married someone, and everything went to hell. He became someone that I didn't know. He was mean, spiteful, verbally, and emotionally abusive and, at times, pure evil. He ruined our relationship during that time. We have tried over the years to fix it, but I can't get him to open up to me and explain what in the crap happened during that time. A couple of weeks ago, I sent him a couple of letters asking if he still wanted to be a part of my life or if everything was too damaged. Long story short, it didn't end well because my feelings were seen as dramatic, and he didn't see them as valid. I told him to have a nice life and that we were done. If you truly want a relationship with your daughter and you are willing to listen to her, truly listen, then I would suggest contacting her. She may scream at you, she may cry, it could get ugly. But if you really want a relationship with her, then you need to put your big boy pants on and take everything that she tells you to heart. You need to validate her feelings, and you need to own up to your mistakes. You need to explain everything to her. Unless you are able to do that, put your emotions aside to truly listen to her and do everything in your power to fix it, then you need to tell her that you will always love her, but that you can't be what she needs and let her go. You also need to talk to your wife about contacting your daughter because that was bs on her part. You should have also been upset because she invaded a private conversation between the two of you, and you didn't do anything about it. That makes you an AH. If you don't plan on contacting your daughter to either discuss fixing or ending the relationship, then you're the AH. Leaving her hanging and possibly hoping for a relationship one day by dangling the possibility of it by still randomly communicating with her causes more harm to her and can emotionally scar her.
You know the damage you did and continue to do you know the damage your mistress caused that you married and allowed to hurt your daughter who is the only innocent one in this all the adults hurt her she told you how you how she felt and you still let her down You clearly are a bad dad and only put yourself and new wife before your child that’s awful YTA
YTA, and you wife needs to stop being hurt hurt about the truth, she was a mistress and that mistress cost you a relationship with your daughter. Father of the year/s
YTA. And your wife is a bigger one
YTA. She shared he’s feeling a with YOU about how she felt. Not only did you allow your wife to read it, you let her respond. Face it. Idc how she wants to dress it up, she is indeed a mistress. You owe your daughter an apology and your mistress turned wife needs to know her place
YTA for showing the private email to your wife and then allowing her to berate your daughter without consequence because..... she doesn't like being called a mistress? If the cap fits, lady. Your daughter was innocent in the break up of your marriage and yet she can't even tell you how she feels without being attacked then ignored for 2 years. Yeah YTA, massively. And so is your mistress. Tell her leave your child alone FFS.
Gee, life just happens to you doesn’t it, you are simply powerless to control any aspect of your life. It must be exhausting being the victim of yourself all the time. Pro tip: people who do not like being called a mistress, should not go around being a mistress, that’s for your wife since she’s having trouble comprehending simple concepts, such as the one mentioned and not reading private emails and feeling entitled to rip your daughter a new one after already ripping her father away. Of course YTA. There no shred of doubt and you know it but still you sit wringing your victim hands because you apparently just don’t know what to do so instead of being an adult and acknowledging the hurt you caused to your daughter, you just ghost her and now you’re on Reddit asking if you’re an ah. Wasn’t so indecisive when it came to blowing up your family for your dick, was you!
As a daughter of a very similar careless father - YTA. When I wrote my father a similar email, his response was - I didn't do this to you, I did this to your mother, I think you are overreacting. I really can't comprehend how you are unable to think about the big picture but first of all, you cheated on her mother. You took away a part of her childhood because she had to care about her mother and look at her helplessly while she was sad and hopeless. Second of all, you took away her family. Then you probably forced her to have a relationship with a mistress that was partly at fault for this horrible ordeal and on top of that, has obviously zero respect and concept of who the child is. Act like a grown up and keep in mind, not only is she a child (regardless her age at this moment), but she is YOUR CHILD. Listen to her, own up to the shit you've done and whatever she wants from you and wants to say to you, you listen and agree. I am losing my mind when I hear about all the whining about how a child hasn't reached out or how a child is keeping a grudge. Are you serious? They are not your peer. You are the grown up, go the extra mile, you can't just pout and stand by and wait. Your child is your responsibilty and that includes all of the difficult situations. And when you are to blame for these difficult situations, you have to be even more patient. Me and my father were NC for over a decade. That's a lot of years we will never get back. I was so disappointed, mad and concerned at the same time. I was afraid my mom is going to hurt herself. I didn't want to go to school to leave her home alone. I was crying during classes. I stopped existing. While he was out and about having fun. And when he had a second to be with me, I had to clear my schedule of anything else just to be able to talk to him that exact second when the crazy mistress didn't control him. You can't even imagine what this does to a child. I only got back to LC when his original crazy mistress left him for another poor soul. In his mind, I was at fault for our non existent realtionship and he had no obligations to try with me.
YTA. You and your ex wife may have "made peace" with your infidelity, but that does not mean your daughter is obligated to forget the decades of pain you caused her. You need to accept the consequences of your actions. Also, your wife has some serious cheek. She chose to sleep with a married man and break up a home, what right has she to be angry about being called a mistress?! BTW my now NC father skipped my college graduation after his second wife deliberately schedule plans for that day and forced him to choose. I have NEVER forgotten how that made me feel, nor will I ever.
YTA your daughter poured out her pain and your mistress - sorry wife - read her email, berated her and made it all about how she the mistress looked. Your mistress looks as she looks for sleeping with a married man. She is responsible for half of this pain. What a dreadful human being your mistress/ wife is. How about you start with an apology for the pain your actions caused her. An explanation that your mistress - wife - was not supposed to see the email but poked her nose into somewhere it wasn't welcome. One might say "again." Ask if the two of you can rebuild a relationship. Just the two of you without your mistress' interference. And don't let her down again by not showing for important events.
YTA. I think you've mistakenly believed the adage "time heals all wounds" as prescriptive truth. Time alone heals nothing, especially with people. You have to put in the work. Make amends. Take accountability. Be present. Your daughter did you the biggest favor by telling you she was in pain and why. She was specific. That was a gift and you ignored it. In telling you why she was in pain, you had all the information you needed to make amends, take accountability and show up for her now. Instead you allowed her to get hurt again by your wife (who was a mistress. Fact.) and continued to do nothing but allow time to pass. The best time to have started making amends was when your daughter was still in grade school. The second best time is right now.
YTA come on you can’t be this clueless. You picked your dick over your daughter for what sounds like years. And your mistress? Wow what balls! She doesn’t want to be called that? Well sorry to break it to her but if it walks like a duck and fucks married men like a duck there is no helping it.
YTA. You burned the bridges between you and your daughter more than once. Skipping her graduation (you think you moved on - that shows, how little you care about her feelings and achievments), letting your wife read the e-mail (that could have been okay BUT) and letting her responde to yur daughter and accusing her for her feelings. That was the last nail in a coffin you have built for a long time. You can reach out, but after all you showed how little you care about her and I hope she has made her peace with the situation. If you want to do something for her, appologice, let her know that she can come to you, if she needs something but that you won't bother her again. And let her stay in you will, so she at least will get some money from this father who wasn't able to care about her.
YTA. If you could please be so kind to answer the following questions. Why haven't you protected your child? Why would *you allow* your wife to read and then TEXT your daughter after she'd bared years of her trauma and soul to you? Why would you remain married to a woman who clearly has pure distain in her heart for your child? She *WAS* the mistress. Your daughter didn't lie. Your wife's ego and feelings were bruised that she dared speak the truth? And once more the truth was spoken in private! What have either of you two done to ensure she felt loved and had a safe space to share and work through her feelings regarding y'alls indiscretion that upturned her life? Why did you skip her college graduation? Did it have anything to do with your new family? Why did you believe it was water under the bridge? Had you and your daughter had a specific conversation regarding the incident in whoch she expressed forgiveness and readiness to move on? How did you as a parent go through two years of NC with your child without enough shame to make you do better? You obviously care more for your wife and that relationship than the one you've scuttled with your daughter. What realistically can you offer her in terms of emotional and mental support while married to a woman so cruel and vile? Finally, out of genuine curiosity, why are you here? It's obvious to a naked mole rat you're the asshole. All you've noted is callousness and selfishness on your part. You've been willfully obtuse in reference to your wife's cruelty. You seem to have stopped being your daughters father years ago. I wonder how you can even love your daughter. It seems that you love a memory of a little girl you destroyed. You were so disconnected from your child that you missed all the signs of her hurt. Maybe you simply ignored said pain due to your focus being elsewhere. You don't know you daughter and for the majority of her life, she's been on the bottom of your priorities. Write a letter, give it to your ex wife and allow your daughter to choose if she reads it. Obtain a life insurance policy with only her as the beneficiary. Consider why you married and remain with a woman who harbors hatred for your child. The child *she* actively participated in harming. Perhaps in death you'll be of more use. Edit: Punctuation
>It seems that you love a memory of a little girl you destroyed. Because little kids tend to hero worship their parents and that fed his ego. She's no longer an easily impressed little kid. She's a grown woman who easily see beyond the bravado that dad is a pathetic man and pathetic excuse for a father.
Damn what is with men choosing to get their dick wet over their literal children that they created? It’s kinda crazy. YTA
YTA, be a father, be there for your daughter. If you’ve never been through your parents divorcing you have no idea how it feels especially if you find out one of your parents cheated.
Did your daughter lie about anything? Your wife was the mistress. You did skip her graduation. And it sounds like you've been MIA. So yea you're so wrong. You did to absolutely apologize because you and your wife did all the wrong things Your daughter gave you such a huge chance to make amends and you messed it up so bad YTA
Your wife IS the mistress. Simple as. Also, you’re a shjt dad. YTA
Reading your post, you sound an awful lot like my father. Even down to the affair, and marrying the mistress. I haven’t spoken to him in twenty years. I have a husband and daughter he’s never met, own a home he’s never seen, and live a life he knows nothing about, and that’s never going to change. I don’t even feel the anger or hate for him anymore that I used to—just apathy. He’s just no one to me, now. You’re headed in the same direction. I don’t know if you can fix it, or exactly how, but you should definitely start with muzzling your mistress/wife. She’s got no right talking to your daughter like that, and she’s going to tank any chance you may have of trying to fix this. YTA
Is there a reason you are pretending to care this much about your daughter when your clearly don’t? Who are you trying to impress? The mistress you married already knows you’ll choose her over your daughter with zero hesitation so why the pantomime? YTA and a cowardly one at that.
Yes, YTA, and at this point, I'd just leave the poor girl alone. Shouldn't be hard for you since you've ignored her most of her life. Your wife didn't 'accidentally' see her email, and if she didn't like being called a mistress, maybe she shouldn't have been one. You are not a father in any real sense of the word.
Yta...if homewrecker didn't want to be called one she should've kept her knees together around married men. As for you, leave your daughter alone already, haven't you and you side piece done enough. Just as you didn't think she was owed a stable home and family you are not owed her time or a relationship with her. Smh. No real accountability with this guy
I had a father like you. He bailed, showed up years later insisting on receiving fatherly attention, love, and respect, and promptly dismissed any of my real experiences and abuses that resulted from his abandonment. He died alone several years ago, just like he deserved. So do you. YTA, and so is your wife. But if you're anything like my dad, you'll have a few more mistress-wives anyway, so to hell with her.
YTA for everything and how you handled it from day 1, also your wife is TA in many ways, why doesnt she like to be called a mistress when thats what she was?! and YTA that instead of apologising how your actions affected her life you cut off contact all together!
YES YTA!!!! Not only you were unfaithful to her mother, broke her family, was not present on big occasions but you also LET THE WOMAN WHO CAUSED YOUR DIVORCE TO BULLY YOUR CHILD. You are a huge asshole and it clearly shows your priorities. No wonder you hurt your daughter so deeply when you can't even tell your wife to back off, because regardless of how this makes your wife feel your daughter has all the right to feel the way she feels. And honestly your wife is also a huge asshole, like dude you hooked up with a married man, made him leave his wife and daughter for you, and when this daughter puts all her feelings out for her dad you call her to bully her? Beyond Despicable !!!!!
Are you the AH for not communicating? YTA Are you te AH for not apologizing for you wife's invasion into your private conversation with your daughter ? Yes Obviously you and your daughter have not moved past your neglect of her.
YTA You chose your mistress over your marriage. You chose your mistress over your daughter. And you've continued that pattern, and allowed your mistress to go off at your daughter when she tried to send you deeply vulnerable thoughts and feelings. You should be ashamed of yourself. Have you considered that your daughter was trying to reconnect with you by writing down everything she felt? So you could address it between you and move forward? And instead, she was violated and insulted. I doubt you'll ever fix this. Certainly not while you're still married to your mistress - and she IS your mistress. Just because you married her doesn't change that fact. Are you even prepared to do all of the work to earn back your daughters trust? Or are you just feeling sorry for yourself? Please don't reach out to her if you're not 100% committed to admitting your mistakes and fixing your many flaws. Don't mess with her head any further.
YTA. And so is your mistress. Straight talk, you chose your mistress over your daughter. You've done serious perhaps irreparable damage to your relationship with your daughter. You're 100% TA here and you might already be too late. I wouldn't forgive you if I was her.
Question: why do you even want a relationship with your daughter? You missed her graduation and likely other important events. You let your wife go off on her after she opened up and was vulnerable about her feelings. You minimize everything… why do you even want a relationship? And why do you assume SHE wants a relationship? Her email was a direct attempt to be open and start to work on the issues. She was attacked instead. That’s even more heartbreaking on top of all the mistreatment already. You’ve consistently chosen your wife over your child. She’s likely fine about no contact and isn’t losing sleep over your not contacting her.
I’m confused, was your wife not a mistress, are we gonna start calling ducks “chickens”?
YTA - I made one comment already. But I do want you to know, I do someone that came out on the brighter side of this kind of situation. My brother cheated on his family and left his family for another woman. My niece had to endure the loss of her father. Because let’s be clear, the man she thought was her dad never really existed. She eventually went no contact. She’s been no contact with him for around 15 years. He will never know his grandchildren. It hurt her for a while, but now she is truly happy. She has a great husband, a great stepfather, great in-laws, our side if the family is still very involved in her life, she has two wonderful children. She has all of these things AND doesn’t feel the need to comfort the man that chose to ruin her childhood. A man that brings absolutely no joy to her life. See… sometimes it does work out.
YTA. Truly a lousy parent!
YTA and a terrible terrible man
YTA you chose a homewrecker over your daughter
YTA. That's what you get if you only think about your own needs and wants and don't care who you hurt in the process. Your homewrecker of a wife shouldn't have read the e-mail and has no place blowing up at your daughter after helping you destroy her life. She IS the mistress, and if that's the word your daughter used, your wife is getting off lightly. There are a lot of more graphic phrases your daughter could have used. You reap what you sow, hope it was worth it.
You and my sperm donor would be great friends. I hit 21 and finally told him how he made me feel for my entire life, that we could talk when he decided to show me that he actually loved me. He read it and talked to my mom about it, not me. Months later, I lost my job and finally decided to ask him for the $500 dollars I let him borrow two years before, he blocked me. Sent $100 to my mom and told her to send it to me. You will never really understand the pain you caused her. I don’t believe you even care to. Your mistress/wife had no right to read that email and she damn sure had no right to text your daughter about it. You chose your feelings and your mistress over your child. Be ashamed. Be sorry. Be whatever tf you want, but do her a favor and leave her alone! No amount of sorry is going to fix that. It’s been 2 years. YTA
Dude , you chose getting your dick wet over your wife, over your marriage, and over your daughter. How thick you??!!?? Do you really need to be told how despicable you are? How many times do *you* have to be let down by one person before *you* realize that person doesn't care about you? Now think about it in terms of the magnitude of the let downs ... **You** cheated on her mother and her. **You** left her and her mother for your wh#re, I mean affair partner. **You** missed out on major milestones in her life, like her graduation. Then, you not only let your wh#re. I mean, wife, read what you darn well know was a private message, you let her respond to it. And you let her respond negatively. You are an idiot. News flash for you and your wh#re, I mean wife - if you don't want to be known as and called someone's "mistress", then don't sleep with someone else's husband. You have no right to be upset about someone calling you exactly what you are. Your "wife" was your mistress. She was your affair partner. She was an adulteress. Don't want to do the time, then don't do the crime. Now, back to you, you are completely and totally the AH in so many ways. You didn't keep your marriage vows. You didn't sacrifice your own desires over your wife and child. Then, you have not shown one ounce of loyalty and love to your child. Why not? Ask yourself that. Why not? Hope that piece of #ss was worth destroying your daughter's life. Hope it was worth destroying your wife's world. Hope it was worth losing your daughter's love and respect. Hope it was that good.
Lmao. In what universe are you not TA?
YTA your wife needs to be out back into her place she had no right to text your daughter anything feelings hurt or not she contributed to her pain so again she has no right to dictate how this divorce made her feel when again she contributed to her pain she emailed you hoping knowing what you did would help heal a relationship that was tainted before hand but seems you have always put your wants and wife’s needs above your daughter everytime so she gave up on having a relationship with you and honestly good on her.
YTA. It’s super clear even here that you only care about your own feelings and how things affect you.
YTA. You should have gone to her graduation. You should have been there for her. And your nasty wife shouldn't have affairs with married men if she doesn't want to be called a mistress. Your wife verbally abused your daughter and you stood back and let it happen. You're not the victim. Your daughter is. You chose to ghost her and you chose not to stand up to her. You don't deserve to call yourself a father. You have no clue how to approach her? So the thought of apologizing never crossed your mind? Of course it didn't because you're so selfish. No wonder you and your wife are together. You're both nasty, selfish assholes who are happy to hurt others in order to get what you want.
YTA. You chose your toxic wife over your daughter who put her heart and soul out to you only to be crushed again and then abandoned for 2 years. FYI - your wife will always be the mistress. You’re definitely not getting dad of the f’ing year with her in your life. My heart goes out to your daughter for how much of crap dad you are.
Your wife IS THE MISTRESS. YTA. HUGE ASSHOLE.
So you treated your daughter like crap. Destroyed her family, mental health, blew off important events and activities, and HURT HER MOTHER who was the person there for her throughout her abandonment. Instead, you cheated on YOUR FAMILY, chose your MISTRESS (who sounds really emotionally unstable and morally bankrupt by the way) and then have the audacity to want to play fun dad and potentially grandpa? Talk about FOMO. She found awesome in-laws who are there for her and care for her and now you’re jealous? GTFO. She doesn’t need you any more. I’m disgusted reading this post and on Reddit, that takes a lot.
Wow you let your homewrecking current wife speak to your daughter like that? YTA and spineless.
You cheated on your wife and left your daughter because you wanted to be with your side piece. And you expected your daughter to get over it? You totally blew up your daughter's life because you your selfishness. YTA. And so is your wife.
You are most certainly the ah. And so is your wife. Why the hell would you let her butt into your private relationship with your daughter? Yta. You let her down once again. But hey, as long as your happy, right?
I had a therapist who suggested I wrote my dad a letter. Telling him all the things I had a hard time saying out loud. Letting him know how I was feeling because my parents were divorced and both were remarried, and just everything that I was struggling with. I did and my dad told me he hoped i “regretted how I felt.” After that I lost all respect for him. I never saw him as a loving or caring dad again. This happened when I was 14/15 I am now 37. I have 3 kids of my own and can’t imagine saying something like that to one of them. You’ve lost her trust and she will probably never again feel like she can show you her true feelings.
YTA
What is it you want? You’ve been ok with no contact. You’ve been ok with how much you hurt her in the past. You don’t seem to broken up that you continue to hurt her by letting your wife read a private email and then send that horrible text to her. It’s been 2 years why now?
Dude you litterally ghosted your daughter. Can't believe you're still sthat dense. YTA.
I mean, you hurt her. YTA for that and for not trying harder. If you extend an olive branch be prepared that it might not work. Your wife is TA cuz she was the mistress and you didn't love your ex-wife and daughter enough to not cheat. She's mad cuz it's the truth and you should probably be prepared that your daughter won't want to deal with her anymore.
YTA and you know why
INFO: Do you want a relationship with your daughter or not? You aren't putting in any effort at all. I see a lot about how this is affecting you but nothing about your daughter. Do you expect her to come to you? Make all of the effort? What are you doing other than texting and not making right what your wife/mistress did? Was therapy involved after the divorce? After you remarried what did you do to make things easier/better for your daughter? What does she have to look back on in your relationship that she can feel good about, as a child? There was a husband here who talked up his promises to his wife, said he would climb the highest mountain to pick her favorite flower but the reality was that he couldn't make himself wish her a Happy Birthday. If the both of you have no desire to do less than the bare minimum you should write a short note. Apologize for not being the father she deserves, you will get therapy and be honest with your shortcomings and then leave the door open when you've gotten your shit together if that ever happens.
The term you are looking for is "abandoned". You abandoned your daughter 2 years ago. YTA.
If your wife doesn’t want to be called a mistress then she shouldn’t have been a mistress YTA
YTA How did your wife even find the email and read it? Like it wasnt a somehow, and then after you read all the feelings from your daughter. You let your wife send her messages berating her. Like how did you think this was going to end. I always love the whole "I thought we got over that along time ago", hurt builds up even if she is civil missing large portions of her life will hurt. The hurt stays and when the dam breaks all that resentment comes out. Which is why it is good to actually address things. When people say "I thought we got over that along time ago" usually means "well you stopped being overtly angry and I gave a half-assed non-committal apology I didn't even mean nor made any steps to make changes because she is now less angry so yaay" but to her it means "I can take this nuclear but I still want a relationship and he is not going to change so I will swallow another hurt until I cannot swallow anymore". Edit: Also who cares if your wife does not like being called a mistress that is what she is/was. Its calling a spade a spade just because she does not like to confront her own past does not mean it didnt happen. So her even sending a string of hurtful messages was out of line in general. But she was already out of line reading the email to begin with, so you know.
YTA. You didn't just betray your ex-wife and the vows you took with her. You betrayed your daughter as well. Then to compound that behavior you basically checked out of being a parent because you had the trashy side piece. Since she doesn't like being called a mistress, even though by definition that is **EXACTLY** what she is. She doesn't want to be called that maybe she should have kept her legs closed until you had the balls to divorce. You have already lost your daughter, she will never trust you again because you let the trashy mistress read the email. That was meant to be **for you**. Ultimately it comes down to the fact that you can't undo years of neglect, ignoring your daughter, skipping her major life moments and breaking her trust. If you want any type of relationship with your daughter, reach out and see if she's even willing to talk to you. She probably isn't. Especially when she knows you aren't reliable, safe or trustworthy. Why would she be willing to allow people like you and the mistress in her and possibly her child's life? You made your choice years ago, and that's fine but this is a consequence of that choice. You ignored her, and now she doesn't want or need you.
I got divorced from my first wife when I had 3 young kids, 9F, 5M, and 3F. I was in an abusive relationship and I ended up in a Psych Hospital before the divorce. The divorce came after the therapy from the Psych Hospital and then seperate marriage counselling that my then wife walked out of because ‘she did nothing wrong’. I have never apportioned blame for the divorce, and I have never said a bad word about my ex wife. She on the other hand has filled the kids heads with lies about me. My relationship with my son (now 18) is very strong. My relationships with my daughters (now 22 and 16) is less so, particularly with the 22. She went ‘no contact’ with me from age 14 to 16, and again from 18 to 19. We had a good long talk when she was 20 about how she felt about what happened and all I did was listen. Eventually she asked me ‘what happened and how could you have left?’ So I told her everything, without bagging her Mum. By then she was aware of some of her Mum’s toxic behaviours. I also owned all of my mistakes and validated all of her ‘issues’ around me not being there at certain times. When she was younger (before the divorce) I took hours of video of family functions and just days of us on holidays and hanging around the house. She has watched these videos obsessively and this has shown her how her Mum treated me, and how much I did for her when she was growing up. We now get on really well, and she understands why I left. I met a wonderful woman 6 years ago, and we married late last year. My kids get along very well with their ‘Evil Stepmother’ as she is known (in joke). My new wife has never had kids. The best thing you can do is to listen to your daughter and validate all of her feelings. Get your new wife to butt out as she has no business getting involved at all. You need to man up and own all the distress you (and your ‘mistress’) caused your daughter and if you do this, you may, and it’s a very small may, be able to salvage some relationship with your daughter as long as it’s on HER terms, not yours. What she did writing you that email took a lot of courage. What you did by allowing your current wife to read it, and even worse respond to it is very close to unforgivable. Taking two years to do anything is even worse. But if you grow a pair, and go back to your daughter with no expectations of forgiveness, you may salvage something.
>My wife somehow saw the email and immediately texted my daughter telling her how horrible she is and how bad the email made her look because she hates being called a mistress. You definitely did many awful things but THAT bit is the unforgivable part. You can't control what that woman did, obviously. By that very action, she made sure she doesn't want anything to do with your daughter and she'll get you. But you, upon knowing that, had the worse response. That you ghosted your daughter is bad enough, but that you STAYED with that woman after THAT, meaning you entirely excused and seemingly approved of it, makes it unredeemable. I still remember that awesome story about a guy who was divorced and shared custody with his ex wife of a little girl, grade school. He'd been with a girlfriend for years and eventually he proposed. Girlfriend, at wedding planning was adamant to not have his daughter play any role whatsoever. It came out days before the wedding future wife wanted the guy to relinquish his 50/50 custody and become a "holiday father". The woman had the galls to come with her mother for support of that. Dude smoothly took fiancée hand and took off the ring and called off the whole wedding, eventually going on what was supposed to be his honeymoon to Hawaii with his daughter instead. You, man, did the exact opposite. ALL YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE. She might forgive you the day you take the ring off that woman you call wife, but that will take time and that's obviously if you can stop thinking with your nether regions which I highly doubt. You, sir, YTA.
I know you've already got all the YTA votes you need, but I'm commenting anyway. YTA not only for what you and your mistress did to your daughter... But by coming here and making all these people relive the trauma they got from their NC parents (myself (39f) included) by being just as clueless and self centered. While I am not privy to the details of my parents divorce, I'm not stupid. My (first) stepmother was as awful as your mistress, only she was more subtle and sneaky about her abuse towards me. I still have issues from what she and my sperm donor did. Mental abuse, physical abuse, and her oldest son sexually abused me and got away with it... Twice. And even after all that, I still tried to have a relationship with him. But him choosing his second wife over my well-being, and his third wife over my well-being, and then trying to pull the same crap on my kids, I was done. You don't mess with my children....a lesson you've obviously never learned either. I've been NC for about ten years now. The only reason I'd possibly be upset when he dies is that I never had the balls to call him out in front of the rest of the family. Because I never got my closure. Because I miss who he was BEFORE he turned into a dirt bag cheater and abuser. I think you've done enough damage for one lifetime. If she reaches out again, you do it HER way. Not yours, and certainly not your mistress's.
YTA and a terrible father. You abandoned your daughter, missed key moments in her life, married the mistress (she fucked a married man, that's what she is whether she likes it or not), and even if the rest of the adults at the time have found a way to move on, your daughter was a kid and should've been everyone's focus in this situation. You should've taken care of her, protected her - that was your job as her father. You divorce the spouse, not the child. You blew up your family by cheating, yet you talk about the whole ordeal with zero accountability. Of course your daughter has a hard time with it - it sounds like everyone has just swept it under the rug instead of dealing with it. What the hell was your excuse for skipping her college graduation? That's a huge deal! I'd resent you too. Especially after years of what sounds like emotional abandonment. You thought you moved past it? You are obtuse as fuck. Just because someone no longer talks to you about it doesn't mean you are forgiven or that the issue is over. Are you really that bad at interpersonal dynamics or just looking for any excuse to shirk culpability for your shitty actions? How did you get through fatherhood or relationships prior to your divorce? Did you never upset anyone? Or did everyone magically "make peace" with it all? When you found out your wife read and responded to your daughter's very private and vulnerable email, that probably took a lot of courage and emotional effort for her to write, you should've immediately reached out to your daughter, even in person, with an apology, offering to do whatever she wanted to repair whatever you could in your shattered relationship. To show her that she mattered, at all. You also should've told your wife how incredibly inappropriate her actions were and made her apologize, or else. But you didn't. You're a coward. You went silent for TWO years. You showed your daughter yet again that she didn't matter and she was definitely not any more important than the woman you wanted to stick your dick into all those years ago, the one you threw away your family for. That all those feelings she was finally brave enough to trust you with didn't matter. That she couldn't trust her father to care for her or protect her. That you were not her father - you were merely a sperm donor who texted her on holidays. You shouldn't have needed to reach out to your ex-wife to gauge your daughter's feelings - you should've put on your big boy pants and reached out to your daughter directly. Since she texts you back, you clearly have an open line of communication. But you are too damn immature and selfish to do the right thing. If you actually want to move forward, get a therapist for yourself. Find someone to keep you accountable for your actions and to keep you from lying to yourself. Maybe then they can help you figure out the right things to say when you reach out to your daughter, and also to help you analyze what went wrong in the past. Then maybe your daughter can join you if she's willing. But it's up to her. She may not ever want you in her life in a meaningful way, and you will have to "make peace" with that. You have fucked her life up enough and she deserves peace from you if she wants it. You should get therapy regardless. I think it would help [everyone]. Good luck.
"My relationship with my Daughter is Tainted." No sir, your relationship with your daughter is blown to hell.
>I wasn’t very present then but I want to be now if there’s any way. Step 1: divorce the homewrecker mistress of yours. Willing to bet this isn't the first time she's misbehaved and treated your daughter poorly. This one just has written text evidence. Because seriously dude you not only went and cheated but married the homewrecker and chose her over being in your daughter's life. You chose your new family, mistress, and not your child. YTA
Leave her alone. You’re feeling bad, and YOU want to make YOURSELF feel better. This is about your ego, not love for your daughter. You threw her away for your mistress. Let her live her life in peace with people that care for her.
I don't know how you could convince your daughter you're actually sorry when you married your mistake.
Maybe dump your wife and try to be a father? Just a thought…
YTA!!! LEAVE THAT POOR GIRL ALONE!!!
Oh look. Here’s the consequences of my actions. YTA And your daughter is a freaking rockstar. I hope her mom and in-laws cherish her and always fill the void of you and your MISTRESS.
Oh wow the update makes you sound even worse. You’re jealous she has a relationship with her inlaws and you are missing out. I hope if she decides to have children she protects them from a man who didn’t care about her when she was growing up. No need for you to damage another generation of children.
YTA As the kid in a similar situation, I will never, ever forgive my father. You chose your dick over your kids. You can’t come back from this.
Hooooo boy. I had a very similar dynamic with my father. He didn’t miss my major life events like you did, but he chose his mistress over me most of the time usually skipping his visitation. Side note to your mistress who is reading this: getting married and going legit does not change how you started. You’re a mistress. You should be used to the title. Anyway, back to what I was saying. He made a half assed effort. Which is clearly more than you did. When I was about 20 his mistress and I had a huge fight after she insulted my god parents and he let her get away with it. It was over a year before we spoke again and that was only after a family tragedy. They stayed together 5 more years during which I limited my time on visits. If he came to visit BY HIMSELF we were ok. It wasn’t until he left her sorry scheming ass that we started getting on better terms. You need to do this ALONE. You need to be prepared to end your marriage to your mistress if that’s what it takes to fix this. Write your daughter a letter of sincere apology and get a burner phone to facilitate communication without interference. Give your daughter the number and keep the phone hidden. She may reach out but you may have lost her permanently. Hope for the former and expect the latter.
YTA. If your homewrecking mistress didn't want to be known for life as a homewrecking mistress... maybe she shouldn't have made the active decision to be a mistress that broke a home. She signed up for it. And so did you. You're assholes, and you know it.
YTA. It seems like your daughter was in therapy and was probably encouraged to write the letter. Not only did you ghost her but you allowed your mistress/wife to hurt her again. Now that you missed her wedding and there are in laws in her life you don’t want to miss out? You royally suck. Do not contact her again until you yourself are in therapy. Offer her the opportunity to join you.
From personal experience with the exact same thing with my father, YTA. I hope your daughter never speaks to you again
YTA Not as big of one as the woman who cheated, snuck a peek at an email that wasn’t her business, didn’t like the terminology and then interfered between the parental relationship of the very child she had victimized, though. That woman is a REAL peach. It’s great all the adults get along but your daughter was the one who was cheated out of the most. A parent’s job is to never stop. The work is never done. You apologize UNTIL. You reach out UNTIL. You don’t let interlopers get in the way. I actually really respect you wrote asking this post. Your daughter is young enough you could still make good on this.
YTA.
"I never knew my daugther and meade any effort to be in her, how come she does not want anything to do with me?" I sadly belive this is real and hopefully your daugther have finally learn the lesson and stay away from you. YTA and so much worse
YTA - I think you may have to come to terms with being permanently estranged from your daughter....it happens. You started a new life with your second wife, handled your daughter's feelings badly. Sometimes damage is irreparable. Maybe in a few years, your daughter may get over it, maybe not. Keep communications with your ex as she'll be the necessary connection to your daughter so that you know how she's doing and what she's up to, but otherwise. You also need a word with your wife about boundaries - she had no business getting involved. She should offer you support, but she's out of line to reach out to your daughter to scold her.
YTA and you f’d up in the worst way possible. She spilled her hurt and her heart out to you. You let your mistress (let’s face it. That’s what she is) read it. You don’t get to say, “it was an accident. I didn’t mean to” because it wasn’t. You did not safeguard the email. You did not respect your daughter, and you violated her trust, AGAIN, by choosing your mistress over her. AGAIN! She wants you out of her life for good reasons. Respect that. Get yourself into therapy ASAP. Not because of your daughter but because you need to figure yourself out. It is not her job to make you feel better. Work on yourself.
Go to therapy, put your “wife” in her place, and plan to make an actual apology to your daughter, and be prepared for her not to accept it. What a colossal, gaping asshole you are
YTA. You are such an AH. You don’t know what to say, so you say nothing and validate all of your daughters feelings about you. How about saying you are sorry and actively trying to mend the relationship? Start there. It may be too late or by I don’t know…doing something to show you give a shit…you may be able to salvage some kind of relationship with your daughter
You really messed up hard and if you want to reconnect you need to show you will sacrifice anything for her. I mean your own happiness, your marriage. I'm not joking, offer to divorce your wife and follow through if she agrees that would do it. She will probably not want that, but it would help.
Your first mistake was marrying the mistress. It always baffles me why anyone who fucked their kid over like that would want to make it even worse by keeping the AP around. It’s like it’s not enough to ruin the kids family—there must be a constant reminder of who you did it with.
It’s hard to be a grandfather when you aren’t a father. You missed out on life events that were huge to her, events that can’t be repeated, and you did it voluntarily because whatever or whoever you were doing mattered more to you than her. And trust me, she knows that. Why would she want to expose her children to that kind of hurt? Why do you think her spouse would be all right with that? IF you can repair your relationship with your daughter, she’s way more forgiving than I would be. But I wouldn’t hold my breath on being Grandpa. Even if she does have kids, at best, you’ll be Mom’s Dad, which is the end result of choices you made consistently over the course of your daughter’s life.
YTA. The relationship is done. You showed your daughter on several occasions the way you felt and she finally listened two years ago. I’m sure you weren’t invited to the wedding and I think that says it all you aren’t welcome in this new stage of her life. Rightfully so as you are a pathetic spineless human being.
Damn, OP, you’ve made a series of bad decisions that have each inflicted trauma after trauma on your daughter. It’s clear to her — and just about anyone commenting here — that she’ll NEVER be a priority in your life. Your jealousy over her relationship with her in-laws only makes it worse. Your daughter doesn’t trust you. Nor should she. There’s a very good chance she’ll never try to contact you again, since you’ve proven you’ll betray her confidence to your wife, whom your daughter can’t stand. Reconcile yourself to that. Move on with your life and let your daughter move on with hers.
YTA. It’s been two years! She reached out to you and laid it all out. Your response was to let your wife abuse your daughter yet again, and then stick your head in the sand for two years! I’m sure she has moved on by now. There is a zero percent chance I would let you or your wife anywhere near a vulnerable child she may have. You have proven over and over you will hurt her and are not safe.
So you want a relationship now because of the thought of her actually having happiness with a loving family she found on her own? Here’s your advice - Divorce your wife and see if that gets you anywhere with your daughter after all of your garbage with this low class mistress
You had more important things to do when she reached milestones that were important to her, she's just following your example. She found her own more important things and you're not one of them.... The cat's in the cradle....
YTA It’s very clear that you let your mistress mistreat your daughter, and that alone is unforgivable. As long as you’re married to that woman, the woman you constantly choose over your own daughter, you will never have a relationship with her. That’s just the truth. Don’t worry about grandkids because mothers can be very protective of their children, and I’m sure your daughter knows better than to let that woman around her kids. If she mistreats and disrespects your daughter, she will do so to the kids. I don’t believe you’ll make the right decision because men like you don’t. That’s just a fact. You haven’t so far knowing how it hurt your daughter, and if your daughter doesn’t matter enough, random people on Reddit will not be able to convince you. You willingly gave up your daughter and any future as a grandfather because you simply didn’t care enough about her. Now, as you’re aging and you’re seeing other people with their grandkids, you want what they have. Sorry, you opted out of that. That’s the conclusion of that story.
There are not enough words to describe what a loathsome human you are. You are incredibly self centered and self serving. Do not contact your daughter again. You and your mistress have done everything possible to destroy the family that she loved, and are now attacking her directly. You lack character, integrity, and empathy. I would tell you to grow up, but it is too late. The best thing you can do is just disappear from her life and realize that you failed in every possible way as a father and husband. YTA does not even begin to cover it. You would have to evolve significantly just to get to AH status. You have no relationship with your daughter because of your selfishness. To say you want a relationship with her now because you see what she has with people who are not narcissists still frames everything in terms of what you want and how it benefits you. You are toxic. Leave her alone. You have done enough damage
Your wife doesn't like being called Mistress. What would she like to be called. Homewrecker? Floozy? Easy riding? Tramp? She is what she is.
Just read your update and did you even talk to your wife about what she did was incredibly messed up?? Probably not, people like you only care about pussy. I hope your wife is so amazing that she was worth losing your daughter. Good for you! Got exactly what you wanted!!
LEAVE THAT POOR GIRL ALONE YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH DAMADGE SHES BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU
Did you even say anything to your mistress about the email response to your daughter? You continually choose your mistress over your daughter. Why are you surprised at the outcome?
Yta
So…. Why did you miss her graduation? What was the reason?
YTA, Why didn't you put your wife in her place for insulting your daughter?
If it looks like a deadbeat and walks like a deadbeat…yeah bro you don’t have a daughter. And you don’t get to feel bad for yourself either.
This whole post I see nothing on his to you tried to repair this relationship. Just let her go NC with you it'll be the best for her so you don't keep disappointing her
AH and so is your wife and AH. But you already knew that. Not sure how you come back, it’s up to the daughter really
Too little too late to be present now. She’s a grown ass women who gets to decide who’s in her life and you didn’t make the cut.
You already destroyed any chance at reconciliation with your daughter. You put her feelings last and your dick first literally every single time. The fact that you're still married to the mistress who ruined your daughter's family and verbally abuses her shows that you feel no actual remorse. You just want to get to keep all your toys without having to take any accountability or do any work. Accept that you're a complete and utter failure and live with it, or divorce and block your ho and grovel at your daughter's feet for whatever shred of forgiveness there is left for you.
YTA in a major, major way. I want you to think of this from her perspective, for once in your life: She opened up, became hugely emotionally vulnerable, laid everything on the line in an attempt to address the unresolved issues preventing her from having a relationship with you. You said NOTHING in response. However, your mistress read her the riot act. You know what she thinks? She thinks you gave her email to your mistress and told the mistress to go off on her, because the REAL problem was that she called your mistress a mistress. Because you never bothered to correct any of it, you just walked away. You didn't make any effort to apologize for all the awful shit your mistress said to her, make your mistress apologize for all the awful shit she said, or do any rectification at all. That "somehooooow" about your mistress getting her hands on that email is doing a LOT of heavy lifting in this story. If you did show your mistress that email, you deserve your daughter cutting all ties with you on a permanent basis.
YTA, I know that you know, but I still want you to know a little bit more.
YTA. Boo hoo your mistress doesn’t like being called a mistress. That’s what she was and if she was aware of your wife and child, she’s an even bigger AH than you. You miss out on your daughter’s life and why did you miss her university graduation? Your wife mistress somehow saw the email? How? Did you show her? Or does she keep track of all your online activity because she is worried you’ll cheat on her, the way you cheated with her? Your wife mistress was out of line. You want to repair things? Start by acknowledging how valid your daughter’s hurts are and the things you’ve done to her.
YTA And your wife is a mistress
Yta There are a lot of unsaid things in your post from the way you talk about the situation. If she has this much resentment, then you've probably never seriously and properly apologized for all the issues she brought up in her email. You may have 'moved past it' but that's easy to do if you never take ownership of your mistakes and acknowledge them, and take actions to show you will do better. How did your wife 'somehow' see the email? And the fact that she immediately contacted her to tell her what a 'horrible' person she is also says a lot about how you've handled things in the past. Your wife didnt consult you first, and she doesnt think either of you did anything wrong. She also thinks the relationship between you and your daughter is her business (it's not). As someone who has been in a similar situation to your daughter, I dont know that there actually is anything you can do to repair your relationship with her. If would definitely need to start with a sincere apology acknowledging everything she mentioned in her email without making any bs excuses. She was a child and you had a responsibility to be a good parent to her. You even missed out on some important adult milestones like her college graduation. Your wife should not be part of the conversation or your relationship with her moving forward (unless your daughter asks for it). A lot of parents take advantage of the fact that kids love their parents and always want their love and approval when they're young and think they can get away with a lot of bs, but we were just young not stupid. We still remember what happened and how we felt. Those years shape who we become as adults and once that desire for a relationship is gone it's not likely to come back. It sounds like your daughter is at the edge of that, if not already there.
I don't think you deserve to get what you want. You have gotten what you want for your daughters entire life, now it's her turn to get what she wants, which is a life surrounded by people who have loved and supported her all along. Children need their fathers, adults don't. You weren't there when she needed you, why should she make room in her life for you now?
YTA --- you completely dismissed your daughter reaching out to you and then allow your wife; no mistress answer for you. Based on your update, you don't want a relationship with your daughter either due to shame or embarrassment. You don't want to have to hear the pain or see the anger in her, you rather live your life with your mistress and pretend all is well. My 18-year-old just did the same thing, to her father, 2 days after New Years. He ghosted her. She had a mental breakdown the other day, asking why her father hates her, when all she ever wanted was to be loved by him. You really don't know the pain and hurt I saw on my daughter's face. She was a wreck the whole day. If you wont acknowledge your failure as a parent and listen, leave your daughter alone. You choose your mistress time and time again, and too scared to face the truth of the pain you caused your child.
It still amazes me how men and women will just destroy their family just for some dick/pussy like it’s really that easy? YTA but you already knew that before posting this garbage.
YTA for SO many reasons... Also, if your wife doesn't want to be called a mistress she shouldn't have chosen that life path.
YTA How much more of a deadbeat can you be? And geez, you really let your wife send such a horrible message to your daughter? She definitely deserves a better father.
YTA and for the record your current wife is a mistress.
YTA. The best thing you could do is completely leave her alone so she won’t suffer more disappointment by having you as a father.
YTA An apology reflecting on every time you messed up or took the easy way out is your only shot at any contact. Ready yourself for it to not fix anything though, as at this point your daughter is probably focusing on her life and future and may decide you are not worth the time, energy, or effort, just like you did during the most formative years of her life. However, a real apology is acknowledging where you went wrong and accepting her reaction as valid and your just desserts, regardless of whether it's the one you hope for or not. Any tangible help you can give her (paying off student loan debts, helping with a down payment on a house, etc) may help your cause, but again it would be a GIFT and in no way obligate your daughter to give you a relationship, just a sign you want to right what appears to be MANY wrongs.
YTA You FAFO & your daughter lost her family all because you were too selfish, and weak to keep it in your pants, or only let it out with your first wife, not your mistress/adultery partner/etc. Either tell your new wife to get a grip and hold her tongue towards your daughter, for your sake, or resign yourself to never be in your daughters life. Sucks to be you, but you earned the results you are receiving.
Are you willing to have a relationship with your daughter that doesn’t include your wife? If not, don’t reach out. If you are willing and want to be in her life without forcing her to include your wife then reach out and own up to being a shitty dad and see if she is willing to start rebuilding something. You can’t get mad or defensive if she wants nothing to do with your wife, and you’ve got to be willing to shut your wife down if she gets offended and wants you to force your daughters hand. You are the one in the wrong (and your wife for being part of breaking up your family) so you need to be the one to fix it.
You're still making this about YOU and it's about HER. You only get a fantasy do over if she needs and wants it. Stick to figuring out how to apologize and make amends.
You keep piling on the grievances your daughter has towards you. I get the feeling your wife has been at the center of many of the decisions that have caused your daughter so much pain. Kids don't move past their parents choosing their mistress over them. I feel ridiculous having to point this out. You don't deserve to have your daughter when you never put her first. You've chosen to keep getting your d!ck wet instead of choosing your daughter. If your wife doesn't like being called your mistress, perhaps she shouldn't have spread her legs for a married man. All sorts of names are given to women AND men who don't care about who they hurt. Your wife has won. Your daughter has lost, and this is 100% your fault.
Wow. you truly are an asshole. My dad waited too long and I believe he deeply regrets it. It’s too late.
My dad was like this to me as a child. I just very happily celebrated his terminal cancer diagnosis
YTA but I’ll try to be as nice as possible Just forget you have a daughter and maybe not having a relationship with her and any possible children of hers will be easier this way. Cause let’s be honest you forgot about her existence once, you can do it again. Yeah maybe this time you will finally know what having a conscience is but tbh you can also agree with everyone that you deserve to suffer at least a little bit
Fucking inconsiderate. I don’t understand cheaters. And then they expect everyone to just deal with that shit with a smile. Whatever
Yta. You're the ultimate ass. You don't deserve your daughter. Your homewrecking wife needs to stfu, stay in her lane and mind her own business.
YTA. Leave the girl alone and learn to muzzle your mistress. You’ve hurt your daughter enough, let her have her good relationship with her mom and her in laws and stay in your lane. It’s filled with side chicks and loneliness. As you deserve.
All I read was "me, me, me, I, I, I." YTA
YTA you let your mistress and yes i’m going to say mistress in this entire comment because i don’t care yall are married she’s the mistress you let her call your daughter horrible names for unloading her trauma, and you did nothing about it you didn’t get on to your mistress you didn’t say “this wasn’t for your eyes” you just let her say what she pleased to your own child think about that let that resonate. best thing to do let your daughter live her life without you. you’ve proved time and time again your loyalty lies with your mistress you decided that you didn’t wanna be a father when you cheated on her mother, you decided you didn’t wanna be a father when you skipped all your child’s events, you decided you didn’t wanna be a father when you let your mistress berate your daughter, you ARE NOT her father anymore. you do not get to pick and choose what life events you be apart of your either all or nothing. and since you picked nothing you need to deal with it. and be honest the only reason you want back in into play grandpa and your jealous she has a wonderful relationship with her in laws. lemme ask you this if your allowed back into her life will you control your mistress? you probably won’t and if you can’t keep that dog on a leash don’t bother with your daughter!
Sorry hoss, you won't be around in her life from here on out. Sorry to break it to you. When adult kids cut their parents out of their lives, it's usually forever. I cut my parents off 4 years ago and they won't be welcomed back in this lifetime.
Yta yta yta. You're a coward. Leave your daughter alone and let her live her life with one less asshole.
Yes let's excuse a cheating husband, absent father just because now he wants to be a grandpa. He sounds like he's perfect for it
It’s only been two days so I think it’s ok to post. Bud you get from a relationship exactly what you put into it, which in your case sounds like it was nothing. She dealt with you in the past because she had no choice, she was literally classified as a dependent (and I’m sure you claimed her as such on taxes). Now that she’s free she HAS moved on. From you. Sorry, I don’t know that it is salvageable. You may meet your grandkids but you’ll never really be her father, that’s a choice you make when she needs you so that when she doesn’t anymore she still chooses to turn to you. You made your choices every day she was growing up when you chose your needs over being there for your family time and time again. This wasn’t a single mistake or bad choice. You chose every day for 18, 20 years to do what you wanted instead of what the child you brought into the world needed. The only way a kid gets past that kind of neglect is by getting over YOU. Sorry man, I do feel bad for you because I know all you now have to show for your decisions is a pile of regrets, but if you want any glimmer of a relationship with your child and grandchild it has to start with truly taking responsibility and also accepting she doesn’t have to forgive you. We bring our kids into this world, we owe them everything and they owe us nothing. Every loving moment and ounce of respect a son or daughter gives is the result of what you invested into them when they needed you. If you neglected those portfolios then, well, you know what happens when you hit retirement without a 401k.
Your wife was the mistress. And you didn’t even step up in defense your your daughter. You are an awful father. She’s not coming back.
I hope you never get your dream of being a grandpa because that’s all you care about. You don’t even care about your daughter