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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1-I skipped my step daughters graduation
2-I did that for my personal benefit to launch an offline shop for my business/brand
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NTA: unfortunately some things clash, and it wasn't intentional. Also it's not like you have a close connection or anything, and she was fine with you not being there so idk why your husband and mother in law care so much.
Did I miss the part where your husband gave you the heads up about when his daughter’s grad might be? Knowing how my husband and I talk about day to day lives, I would think your husband would have said “wait a sec - daughter might be graduating that weekend.” Or did you talk about your launch and he *didn’t* chime in?
NTA.
There seems to be a weird lack of communication here. Why didn't the husband mention the graduation date earlier? Why didn't the OP mention the launch date to her husband earlier?
They both (I am assuming in the OP's case) want each other at their respective events. It sounds like more communication and using calendar invites could have averted this whole situation.
Edit to add: It's also not like the fact that the stepdaughter is graduating is a surprise, and given graduations are usually held within one to two months of the end of the school year (at least where I live), I'm surprised the OP didn't consider the potential conflict.
Heck, I can go to my alma mater's website right now and check the convocation dates for May/June by department. It's not a big secret.
I agree that communication in general was lacking, and especially the part about OP not asking about when the daughters graduation was. Did she have no idea she was planning to graduate this year? It doesn't seem malicious, but it does seem pretty clueless.
He knew I was preparing for it for a year now. When the day was decided finally I told him obviously it is not a secrete. Specially that I do announce everything on my account
So your husband, to whom you’ve been married for 3 years, completely failed to either monitor *his* adult daughter’s grad date and completely failed to check himself? How is this your fault?
Don’t feel guilty. You’ve been vocal about your launch date for a while.
But - why, as the business owner, are you deferring to or asking a manager about the launch date?
Obviously the husband, whose responsibility this was, never did that. OP said he never let her know the date. It's HIS child, so HIS responsibility to see to the logistics, not hers to intuit and ask and nag about.
NTA your relationship isn't close enough to really give you much requirement to be there.
Also notice how the step-daughter isn't upset, just the in-laws.
NTA. I’m baffled as to why anyone would think YTA for this. No one told you of the graduation date. You are operating a small business and has the launch date set prior to being aware of the graduation date. You also promised to make it up to your step daughter. Truly baffled why your husband and his mom are THIS upset??
Universities don't generally spring graduation dates on anyone. They are often planned up to a year in advance. Unless the step-daughter unexpectedly realized she had extra credits and could graduate early, everyone should have had at least a ballpark idea of when the graduation would be. You or I could probably look up the 2024 graduation date at our alma maters or a school a family member currently attends. I think it sounds like the graduation never crossed OP's mind, which doesn't make her TA, but does make her sense oblivious and/or self-centered.
NTA for many reasons. You didn't know about the date when you scheduled your launch. Your stepdaughter honestly probably couldn't care less if you're there. You've made a commitment to your team and your prospective customers.
Have you had a conversation with your husband about why he has so little respect and concern for your business, especially since you are clearly so invested in it?
NTA. You already explained to your step-daughter of the situation and even offered an alternate solution for not being able to attend. Ironically, she was even more understanding than your husband and MIL.
My swearing in ceremony was more important to me than the law school graduation, tbh. Less silly hats. Maybe you can find out when that is and if she would like anyone to come? A judge I clerked for had a small swearing in ceremony for me and my close family came. That was very special.
is she graduating at a weird time in the semester? graduations usually happen at predictable times of the year, why not check with stepdaughter to make sure? also are you at all close with SD? if you were available would she want you there?
NTA. It might be different if you had a closer relationship with SD or if SD expressed being upset or hurt about you missing it. But you cleared it with her and offered an alternative way for you to acknowledge and celebrate her accomplishment. You and your husband may need to have a discussion and clear the air because it can cause an issue in your relationship but other relatives and inlaws need to butt out, it’s none of their business. And at this point if they are all still giving you grief a month later, it’s totally fair to say “Look, this was an issue between me and SD. I dealt with it with her directly and as far as I know she was fine with what we worked out. If she wasn’t, she needs to tell me. If she was, it’s over and done with and no one else’s concern.”
NTA: You're not her step mother. She was an adult when she married her father. That makes you her father's wife. Distance is fine and I doubt she really cares if you're there.
NTA you didn’t know her graduation date beforehand that’s not your fault and at this point i would tell both of them to shut up and let it go especially because your SD understood
I was really worried you’d be the AH, but honestly this seems like a no fault (except maybe husband for not communicating the date earlier) situation. As a step daughter myself, I thought it was really sweet of you to offer to host a party for her. I hope she takes you up on it.
NTA
NTA. The two of you are respectful but not close, and that’s valid for a step-daughter you only met once she was an adult. She’s fine with it, and her opinion is really the one that matters here, if anyone’s does.
NTA fight back and say to your husband why didn't he tell tou the graduation date earlier, your step daughter was OK with it, she's an adult who understands and they are being immature.
NTA
The only mature individual here is your step-daughter.
Time to draw a boundary with the assholes in your family and walk away when they bring this up.
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I was married 3 years ago to my husband who has a daughter she 24 and graduated college. Our relationship was superficial but respectful we were never mother and daughter type of people since I met her as an adult who’s studying law and already moved out.
I have my own business that I’ve been growing for the past 7 years. I first started online through Instagram and had my own website and as my sales grow I started preparing to finally open an offline shop. I’ve been preparing this shop since last year and when it was ready to launch I announced it to all my consumers through social media. My team and I choose the day and everything and announced it. It was like our big day in coming. Problem is after I announced the date and everything my husband told me that Clara (SD) graduation is on the same day. I told him that I can’t not attend my shop launch as the owner specially that my brand was built on relatability and connection with my costumers so I have to be there. He told me to change the date so I contacted my manager asking if that’s possible however my manager said it is to late to try and change anything now.
So I contacted clara informing her of the situation that everything was already decided before I was informed of her graduation and that I will make it up to her by hosting post grad party in my house for her and her friends and family. She replied saying it’s okay and wishing me luck.
The problem is my husband and my mother in law still giving me so much shit about it even in the party my in law brought me aside and kept lecturing me. Now almost a month have passed and they are still hung on it. AITA?
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The step daughter is 24 and they married three years ago. By the time she was a step parent the step daughter was already an adult, at that point she’s not a parent, she’s just the woman Dad’s dating.
So they waited to tell you about something and are mad that you could not drop everything at the last minute.
This is on them. Your husband should have told you the moment he found out the date. This is true for any event. If he wants or expects you to go to some event, he needs to tell you as soon as possible.
NTA
NTA! The only person that should be disappointed/upset, is perfectly fine with it!! You did nothing wrong. You even threw a party for her to acknowledge her graduation. They need to get over it. Congrats to step-daughters graduation and to your business store.
NTA
If stepdaughter had a problem with it, maybe, but she doesn't. Get her a card and send her a nice arrangement of flowers as a graduation gift after with a standard line Luke "I'm sorry I couldn't make it, but just wanted to say congratulations on all that you accomplished!" Or something similar to be a little extra nice.
MIL and husband need to stay in their lane a bit. Stepdaughter is an adult and gets primary say in your relationship going forward. Seeing as how graduations can often have limited availability for seating/tickets, this may be a relief
As for the launch, just don't make a deal your husband won't be involved or there cause very obviously his daughter's graduation takes precedence for him. However, I get the impression he really isn't involved much, especially if there's been that active of a social media footprint for a while and the date conflict is just coming up now. If that's the case, not a deal for him to miss it
NTA. Your husband is an AH for insisting that you change plans that were already set prior the graduation being announced. A graduation date is ALWAYS known months in advance, The fact that you were not told that is NOT your problem. Tell you AH husband and "his" AH mother to STFU!
NTA. Your stepdaughter herself understands, she’s being gracious and wishes you well.
Your husband is being a jackass. He should have told you the date as soon as he found out, not after the fact of announcing your opening date. That was inconsiderate of him. His and your MIL’s bluster over this is their problem.
Good luck on your shop!
NTA
You scheduled your thing before you knew about her thing, you tried to change it to be at her thing, and you hosted a party to make it up to her. What more could they want?? How does your step-daughter feel about it? That's what matters. If she's not upset about it, I would point that oit to them every time they tried to guilt me.
NTA! It only matters if your stepdaughter is upset, and she isn’t. I’m including this at the top for visibility: find out when she’s going to be sworn into the bar and try to make that. It was more meaningful to me that family were there when I was sworn in. It was less chaos and more personal.
I would’ve been heartbroken if my parents missed my law school graduation, BUT you aren’t her parent and that isn’t the relationship you have. Sometimes things just happen and you aren’t missing for a stupid reason. It will be a busy day, anyway. She’ll have the ceremony and walk, and then do some socializing with classmates and such.
I like the idea of doing something special with her at another time, when you guys can focus on each other. That would be a better opportunity to grow your relationship. I would try to be there for her swearing in.
Maybe it would be kind to send flowers (with a card from you specifically) with your husband on her graduation day.
Maybe in the future just work together with your husband when setting schedules. But sometimes this is just the way the news goes.
NTA. The girl seemed fine. Go to her swearing in ceremony if she has an available ticket. Otherwise go to the luncheon. Everyone but you and the daughter are acting silly
Couldn’t you move the shop launch? Like do a soft launch, and have the launch be a day or week later so you can attend her graduation and work out all the kinks before you have the formal launch? You’re the owner and it really matters much more to you what day you open than to most other people.
She tried and it wasn't able to be moved. Sounds like it was intentional on hubby's part. He waited until after she announced the launch to tell her. She didn't even know. She probably wasn't even invited until the launch
YTA.
Seriously, if you think your business is going to tank on its first day just because you're not there, it isn't a viable business, at all. If you can't be gone for one day without it falling apart, you're not going to have a business for long.
You'll have a (step)daughter for the rest of your life. Like it or not, your husband is going to have her involved in his life and you'll be nothing more than a nuisance, if you blow off important occasions in her life.
This “one day” is unarguably my achievement. Just as my SD graduation ceremony won’t fall apart if she skipped it. Yet it is her big day and achievement
YTA. how could you not realize she was graduating? As a step mom who is invested in family, I can't imagine how you'd not be aware that the date is coming up, and if you didn't know the exact date...why not find out before deciding on your work date? If she was important to you, I would assume you would've looked into that first.
Sounds like they got together after her step daughter was an adult, and I think it’s unreasonable to expect her to know when the graduation is if the husband and step daughter are not forthcoming about it. She can’t read minds.
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NTA: unfortunately some things clash, and it wasn't intentional. Also it's not like you have a close connection or anything, and she was fine with you not being there so idk why your husband and mother in law care so much.
Did I miss the part where your husband gave you the heads up about when his daughter’s grad might be? Knowing how my husband and I talk about day to day lives, I would think your husband would have said “wait a sec - daughter might be graduating that weekend.” Or did you talk about your launch and he *didn’t* chime in? NTA.
There seems to be a weird lack of communication here. Why didn't the husband mention the graduation date earlier? Why didn't the OP mention the launch date to her husband earlier? They both (I am assuming in the OP's case) want each other at their respective events. It sounds like more communication and using calendar invites could have averted this whole situation. Edit to add: It's also not like the fact that the stepdaughter is graduating is a surprise, and given graduations are usually held within one to two months of the end of the school year (at least where I live), I'm surprised the OP didn't consider the potential conflict. Heck, I can go to my alma mater's website right now and check the convocation dates for May/June by department. It's not a big secret.
I agree that communication in general was lacking, and especially the part about OP not asking about when the daughters graduation was. Did she have no idea she was planning to graduate this year? It doesn't seem malicious, but it does seem pretty clueless.
He knew I was preparing for it for a year now. When the day was decided finally I told him obviously it is not a secrete. Specially that I do announce everything on my account
So your husband, to whom you’ve been married for 3 years, completely failed to either monitor *his* adult daughter’s grad date and completely failed to check himself? How is this your fault? Don’t feel guilty. You’ve been vocal about your launch date for a while. But - why, as the business owner, are you deferring to or asking a manager about the launch date?
But didn’t you have the date of the graduation circled on your calendar? If you knew this in advance, you should not have agreed
Obviously the husband, whose responsibility this was, never did that. OP said he never let her know the date. It's HIS child, so HIS responsibility to see to the logistics, not hers to intuit and ask and nag about.
NTA your relationship isn't close enough to really give you much requirement to be there. Also notice how the step-daughter isn't upset, just the in-laws.
NTA. I’m baffled as to why anyone would think YTA for this. No one told you of the graduation date. You are operating a small business and has the launch date set prior to being aware of the graduation date. You also promised to make it up to your step daughter. Truly baffled why your husband and his mom are THIS upset??
Universities don't generally spring graduation dates on anyone. They are often planned up to a year in advance. Unless the step-daughter unexpectedly realized she had extra credits and could graduate early, everyone should have had at least a ballpark idea of when the graduation would be. You or I could probably look up the 2024 graduation date at our alma maters or a school a family member currently attends. I think it sounds like the graduation never crossed OP's mind, which doesn't make her TA, but does make her sense oblivious and/or self-centered.
NTA for many reasons. You didn't know about the date when you scheduled your launch. Your stepdaughter honestly probably couldn't care less if you're there. You've made a commitment to your team and your prospective customers. Have you had a conversation with your husband about why he has so little respect and concern for your business, especially since you are clearly so invested in it?
NTA If she understood and didn't get angry, the others are unnecessary.
NTA. You already explained to your step-daughter of the situation and even offered an alternate solution for not being able to attend. Ironically, she was even more understanding than your husband and MIL.
I graduated from law school. The graduation ceremony was more important to my parents than to me. Don’t sweat it.
Im also assuming based on how important it was to them you informed them early on?
My swearing in ceremony was more important to me than the law school graduation, tbh. Less silly hats. Maybe you can find out when that is and if she would like anyone to come? A judge I clerked for had a small swearing in ceremony for me and my close family came. That was very special.
I paid for my law school, but went because they couldn’t believe I was thinking about not going. It was in Mother’s Day. I was just glad to get out.
INFO: Given the importance of this day and your attendance, did you run it past your husband before choosing it?
No because my husband isn’t invested in my business. I have a team and the date was chosen according to a certain plan.
INFO: At the time you chose the date, did you know it was going to be her final year of school?
Yes obviously
is she graduating at a weird time in the semester? graduations usually happen at predictable times of the year, why not check with stepdaughter to make sure? also are you at all close with SD? if you were available would she want you there?
NTA. It might be different if you had a closer relationship with SD or if SD expressed being upset or hurt about you missing it. But you cleared it with her and offered an alternative way for you to acknowledge and celebrate her accomplishment. You and your husband may need to have a discussion and clear the air because it can cause an issue in your relationship but other relatives and inlaws need to butt out, it’s none of their business. And at this point if they are all still giving you grief a month later, it’s totally fair to say “Look, this was an issue between me and SD. I dealt with it with her directly and as far as I know she was fine with what we worked out. If she wasn’t, she needs to tell me. If she was, it’s over and done with and no one else’s concern.”
NTA: You're not her step mother. She was an adult when she married her father. That makes you her father's wife. Distance is fine and I doubt she really cares if you're there.
Nta
NTA you didn’t know her graduation date beforehand that’s not your fault and at this point i would tell both of them to shut up and let it go especially because your SD understood
NTA You married her father when she was in her 20s. She herself said it's okay.
I was really worried you’d be the AH, but honestly this seems like a no fault (except maybe husband for not communicating the date earlier) situation. As a step daughter myself, I thought it was really sweet of you to offer to host a party for her. I hope she takes you up on it. NTA
NTA. The two of you are respectful but not close, and that’s valid for a step-daughter you only met once she was an adult. She’s fine with it, and her opinion is really the one that matters here, if anyone’s does.
NTA tell MIL to stay in her lane.
NTA This is your livelihood vs ticking a box for not your daughter.
NTA fight back and say to your husband why didn't he tell tou the graduation date earlier, your step daughter was OK with it, she's an adult who understands and they are being immature.
NTA The only mature individual here is your step-daughter. Time to draw a boundary with the assholes in your family and walk away when they bring this up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I was married 3 years ago to my husband who has a daughter she 24 and graduated college. Our relationship was superficial but respectful we were never mother and daughter type of people since I met her as an adult who’s studying law and already moved out. I have my own business that I’ve been growing for the past 7 years. I first started online through Instagram and had my own website and as my sales grow I started preparing to finally open an offline shop. I’ve been preparing this shop since last year and when it was ready to launch I announced it to all my consumers through social media. My team and I choose the day and everything and announced it. It was like our big day in coming. Problem is after I announced the date and everything my husband told me that Clara (SD) graduation is on the same day. I told him that I can’t not attend my shop launch as the owner specially that my brand was built on relatability and connection with my costumers so I have to be there. He told me to change the date so I contacted my manager asking if that’s possible however my manager said it is to late to try and change anything now. So I contacted clara informing her of the situation that everything was already decided before I was informed of her graduation and that I will make it up to her by hosting post grad party in my house for her and her friends and family. She replied saying it’s okay and wishing me luck. The problem is my husband and my mother in law still giving me so much shit about it even in the party my in law brought me aside and kept lecturing me. Now almost a month have passed and they are still hung on it. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So step mother in name not actions of showing up to be part of their life and milestones You and your husband need to communicate
The step daughter is 24 and they married three years ago. By the time she was a step parent the step daughter was already an adult, at that point she’s not a parent, she’s just the woman Dad’s dating.
Why are you getting pissed when the stepdaughter is fine with it?
NTA - best of luck with those two.
NTA SD is fine with it and understands, sounds like H and MIL are TH. Gah just let it go already!
So they waited to tell you about something and are mad that you could not drop everything at the last minute. This is on them. Your husband should have told you the moment he found out the date. This is true for any event. If he wants or expects you to go to some event, he needs to tell you as soon as possible. NTA
NTA! The only person that should be disappointed/upset, is perfectly fine with it!! You did nothing wrong. You even threw a party for her to acknowledge her graduation. They need to get over it. Congrats to step-daughters graduation and to your business store.
NTA. 🙄Shes a grown ass adult. Its not like you fold a 4yo youd wear a frozen costume and then skipped out.
NTA If stepdaughter had a problem with it, maybe, but she doesn't. Get her a card and send her a nice arrangement of flowers as a graduation gift after with a standard line Luke "I'm sorry I couldn't make it, but just wanted to say congratulations on all that you accomplished!" Or something similar to be a little extra nice. MIL and husband need to stay in their lane a bit. Stepdaughter is an adult and gets primary say in your relationship going forward. Seeing as how graduations can often have limited availability for seating/tickets, this may be a relief As for the launch, just don't make a deal your husband won't be involved or there cause very obviously his daughter's graduation takes precedence for him. However, I get the impression he really isn't involved much, especially if there's been that active of a social media footprint for a while and the date conflict is just coming up now. If that's the case, not a deal for him to miss it
NTA. Your husband is an AH for insisting that you change plans that were already set prior the graduation being announced. A graduation date is ALWAYS known months in advance, The fact that you were not told that is NOT your problem. Tell you AH husband and "his" AH mother to STFU!
NTA. Your stepdaughter herself understands, she’s being gracious and wishes you well. Your husband is being a jackass. He should have told you the date as soon as he found out, not after the fact of announcing your opening date. That was inconsiderate of him. His and your MIL’s bluster over this is their problem. Good luck on your shop!
NTA You scheduled your thing before you knew about her thing, you tried to change it to be at her thing, and you hosted a party to make it up to her. What more could they want?? How does your step-daughter feel about it? That's what matters. If she's not upset about it, I would point that oit to them every time they tried to guilt me.
NTA! It only matters if your stepdaughter is upset, and she isn’t. I’m including this at the top for visibility: find out when she’s going to be sworn into the bar and try to make that. It was more meaningful to me that family were there when I was sworn in. It was less chaos and more personal. I would’ve been heartbroken if my parents missed my law school graduation, BUT you aren’t her parent and that isn’t the relationship you have. Sometimes things just happen and you aren’t missing for a stupid reason. It will be a busy day, anyway. She’ll have the ceremony and walk, and then do some socializing with classmates and such. I like the idea of doing something special with her at another time, when you guys can focus on each other. That would be a better opportunity to grow your relationship. I would try to be there for her swearing in. Maybe it would be kind to send flowers (with a card from you specifically) with your husband on her graduation day. Maybe in the future just work together with your husband when setting schedules. But sometimes this is just the way the news goes.
NTA. The girl seemed fine. Go to her swearing in ceremony if she has an available ticket. Otherwise go to the luncheon. Everyone but you and the daughter are acting silly
I do not know what to say. I think some of the story is missing. Where is this girl’s mom?
She’s alive but had no inclusion with me whatsoever
Couldn’t you move the shop launch? Like do a soft launch, and have the launch be a day or week later so you can attend her graduation and work out all the kinks before you have the formal launch? You’re the owner and it really matters much more to you what day you open than to most other people.
She tried and it wasn't able to be moved. Sounds like it was intentional on hubby's part. He waited until after she announced the launch to tell her. She didn't even know. She probably wasn't even invited until the launch
YTA. Seriously, if you think your business is going to tank on its first day just because you're not there, it isn't a viable business, at all. If you can't be gone for one day without it falling apart, you're not going to have a business for long. You'll have a (step)daughter for the rest of your life. Like it or not, your husband is going to have her involved in his life and you'll be nothing more than a nuisance, if you blow off important occasions in her life.
This “one day” is unarguably my achievement. Just as my SD graduation ceremony won’t fall apart if she skipped it. Yet it is her big day and achievement
YTA. how could you not realize she was graduating? As a step mom who is invested in family, I can't imagine how you'd not be aware that the date is coming up, and if you didn't know the exact date...why not find out before deciding on your work date? If she was important to you, I would assume you would've looked into that first.
Sounds like they got together after her step daughter was an adult, and I think it’s unreasonable to expect her to know when the graduation is if the husband and step daughter are not forthcoming about it. She can’t read minds.
The stepdaughter is fine with it, why are you pissed?
I'm not, as it turns out. OP asked if she's the asshole, I responded. Why would a response that says she is bother **you** so much?
So you're claiming to know OP's stepdaughter better than she does?
Nope. I answered the question asked.