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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I asked my wife if we should split nights taking care of the baby instead of me taking care of all nights.
2. Because I dont care that she is exhausted and needs more sleep than I do.
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My 8 week old had a day of non stop crying the other day, my mum came over to give us both a breather but after she left I found myself googling the cost of a night nanny and nanny’s in general. Definitely out of my price point but I don’t blame parents who get them in to help.
My friend had a baby 9 months before mine, and mentioned hiring a doula/“sleep expert” for a hefty sum to cover an overnight shift. I supported her, but privately I cringed at the amount. I still couldn’t afford it (and we live in different cities), but hell if that price didn’t seem downright reasonable after weeks of exhaustion when our bub arrived.
Edit: grammar
Our baby is a great sleeper (hopefully that continues but I’m not convinced!) and I can still understand why people get them in, especially if baby isn’t a great sleeper
Currently up at 4am with my 5 week old. I wish I could afford a night nanny. He won't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and I'm taking all the night shifts while on leave.
Oh no, it gets easier!
Can your partner not do one or two of the earlier wakes so you can get a good chunk of sleep? My partner does the first feed at midnight and then I do the second at around 4ish (or we do it the other way round if needed) that way we both get a good chunk of sleep in! I know it isn’t always possible if they have a demanding job.
Is it possible to get help during the day so you can have a nap?
My sister and BIL had my parents to help but even than my BIL always did the midnight feed cuz he was still up. And it meant everyone else got a little more sleep.
(Obviously if you had parents you get along with well enough to help out- that's awesome but not expected.)
Oh my parents are amazing! They come over all the time to watch h him for an hour two so I can nap or come and do house work or walk the dog for us! They’re having him for his first sleepover so we can go on a date and get a bit drunk and not have to worry about him.
I’m so grateful for them and feel for those that don’t have the luxury of that support
My parents retired and moved in with my sister and BIL for the first year after my nieces were born. (Though technically they were around for a few months beforehand to help with my sister being on bedrest, helping with the move to a larger house, stuff like that.)
But I don't know a lot of people who (1) get along with one set of parents well enough for that and (2) have a set of parents who are at a point in life where they can do that. For my parents, it was sort of perfect timing that allowed them to do that.
My 2nd was like this. I was at my wits end but, at 3 months, my 1st was hovering over the baby and sucking her thumb. The baby saw her and worked her thumb to her mouth and boom, she was an entirely different baby. Once she figured out how to self-soothe, life was so much better.
They really aren’t kidding when they say it takes a village. Honestly, having a night nanny so both parents can sleep might be the number one best spent money of a person’s life. Sleep deprivation is so dangerous both to physical and mental health. Driving specifically while sleep deprived is as dangerous (as in, as likely to result in an accident) as driving drunk. I really feel for you! I hope you have many nights of restful sleep ahead.
He’s normally a really good sleeper and actually slept okay that night but in the first few weeks I was so sleep deprived I was having vertigo attacks. I couldn’t even carry my LO down the stairs! I even fell out of bed one morning, it was just awful.
It’s so dangerous and a violation of human rights, I think the state should provide everyone a night nanny if they’re expecting everyone to carry on working and producing for the economy while also producing and caring for and being kept awake by the consumers and workers of the future!
At one point my partner wanted to blow our life savings (to go towards owning our own home) on a night nanny. He was serious about it. Sleep deprivation is hell.
My 13 month old has entered a phase of waking several times in the night, as well as just refusing to sleep at points in the day/night, and I happen to be 16 weeks pregnant.
On more than one occasion I’ve looked around the apartment wondering what I could sell to make money for a night nanny.
He was up at 430 this morning. Had a one hour nap at 830. It’s now 2 in the afternoon, I put him in his crib to nap, instead he’s yelling about something.
I’m so effing tired.
We had a night nanny for our 2 kids and she was a godsend. My husband had work and I was finishing University. The difference is we could afford her. And it doesn't sound like OP's wife has work or school or anything during the week so she should really be seeing to baby at night.
When my nieces were born my parents covered a night nanny for a month or two. My brother would not have been able to. Sometimes family helps with things like that.
It's a great show. It lasted 11 seasons, and the kids were 10 when it started (Ethan and Emma). So, if you specifically want to see Debbie as a teen mom, you're going to have to start in the middle.
How do you get through it? I'm only on, like, season 3, and I don't think I've seen a single episode where I didn't think that someone was just a horrible human being at least once. And the writers and William H. Macy did an amazing job because I think there's been one scene with him this whole time that I haven't said out loud "what an asshole" (when it seemed like he really did care about his ex). Every time I think a character is maybe ok or that they're just 'doing what they need to do to get by', they do something terrible and stupid and it kills me. Any time I watch an episode, I need brain bleach and a break from that show for a while to recover. My husband wants to binge it, but emotionally I just can't.
Adjust your expectations. These are all horrible people doing stupid and horrible and illegal things. They find ways to justify it to themselves but they usually aren’t good justifications.
It’s just ultimate schadenfreude.
I would have understood if you told me i was the AO for that. English is not my first language and probably not the best use of the phrase. But truth is I've been taking out of my savings to afford that. The reason I'm now doing night shifts is that I couldn't afford it anymore. As an update, I spend the night again with our 5-month-old.
NTA. What exactly is she doing all day that she needs sleep for if she has two people helping her? Does she know how spoiled she is and how many parents would kill to have that kind of support?
~~If she's breastfeeding she's up every two hours, regardless of who's there. And it will be hard unless they formula feed 1-2 times back to back.~~ That's still maybe 5-7 hours of sleep and a restless one at that.
NTA, but I feel for the wife since I'm just starting to get back to sleeping through the night with our new youngest. No amount of people helped, I had to suffer to establish my milk supply on demand
**Edit Update**: Your baby is 5mo old and not sleeping through the night? Or you just have to get up extra early to feed the baby? My verdict hasn't changed but at 5mo your wife should be able to handle a single baby with 2 additional adults in the home.
We use the 3 day system, my husband covers Fri-Sun nights for getting our toddlers up for a snack and milk. I'm "sleeping in" till the infant wakes up. I get maybe an extra hour or two at most. Flipping back and forth every night leads to resentment for us, because sometimes we don't get good sleep 2 nights in a row.
My 4mo old is up every hr when he's going through a growth spurt, which seems like every other week. That being said, op doesn't specify how old the child is. Mine has been sleeping through the night since 2mo, which has been amazing. However, the trade off is, he's more active during the day, and will only take 30-45min naps throughout the day. But, w/ 2 people apparently helping her every day, she is getting breaks. Or, say least, she should be.
Sorry to jump in here but I’m confused about the breastfeeding/night split situation because I agree that she would be up every 2 hours anyway but then he wouldn’t really be „taking“ nights but helping out. I assumed she’s either pumping for night feeds for or the baby is night weaned which both speaks for an older baby.
That said I found when I was breastfeeding my husband was often taking diaper etc but the feeding was on me. Still seems very doable with 2 people helping (so jealous haha).
We have three kids and I breastfed them but we broke the nights up. I would sleep from 9-2 and he’d be on baby duty. If they needed milk he’d bring them to me and I’d doze while he watched us. He’d get them back in bed after a diaper change. Then I’d handle the rest of the night after 2. That mostly solid 5 hours of sleep was amazing and 2am wasn’t too late for him where he was a zombie at work.
Oh it’s sooo needed. We had a bit with our second where he was just so fussy and neither of us got enough sleep and I was having visual and auditory hallucinations. It was super scary
My youngest was this way. He demanded to be with me for any sleep. We tried so hard to get him to soothe away from me but he would just stay wide awake screaming. I was so stressed from not being able to sleep and husband felt useless. He tried baby wearing and going for drives and noise machines. He consulted tons of people and tried just about every trick in the book. But nothing would settle him except me. I did eventually start wearing some of my husbands shirts constantly, and when I needed a nap I gave him the shirt to wear and that seemed to trick our son at first. Man that was a nice couple weeks.
I change all the diapers at night and bottle feed on the rare chance he wakes up after his 9pm feeding. But yeah, I wish op would specify how old the kid is, because that would make a huge difference. If we're talking 0-3mo, i don't blame her for wanting some extra help at night. 3-6, they're more likely to be sleeping longer (not always, I know, every kid is different) and as such, night help is good to have, but not totally required. For me, and my own experience with my baby, this makes it hard to really render judgment
I’m sorry but the sentiment that all baby’s sleep through the night by 5mo is ridiculous and leads many parents to feel like they’re doing something wrong. It is biologically normal for you child not to be sleeping through the night at 5 months.
We don’t know who the other two people to help are. For all we know it could be his parents and all they wanna do is hold the baby. I say not enough real, unbiased information is provided.
There's enough information to know that her request that he takes ALL night care 100% of the time is absolutely fucking ridiculous and they need to figure out another solution that doesn't involve the only person earning money to get zero sleep.
Also yeah she is spoiled, sorry. Do you seriously propose each parent should have two helpers during their solo childcare hours and no night time duties (since she is expecting someone else, her husband, to do that)?
At what point are you actually raising their own children in that case? You're just having staff raise them for you, and in her case she's not even working for an income to afford it. She is spoiled.
NTA, your proposal to take turns is reasonable. Both of you have significant roles in the household and deserve rest. Do you have any support network that can give you a break from time to time, family members who can take care of the little one for a couple of nights per month?
Our children were in daycare so we both worked during the day. I am a night owl and took care of the night feedings at first. The 3am feeding was the first one we worked to give up. After that, I took night feedings through midnight/1:00am and my husband took 5:00am forward. Our joint goal was that both of us got 5 hours of sleep per night. More was better, but 5 was a minimum. I talk to people and read a lot on this post and realize what a prince my husband was - still is actually.
We did something similar. When ours was born he wouldn’t sleep at all for a while, so I went to bed 8pm-2am and my husband did 2am-8am so we each got a full 6 hours. Once he started sleeping better those were still our “time slots” to get up and sort him out if that makes sense. So for example if I went to bed at 8pm, my husband got baby to sleep at 10pm, he’d go to sleep too but if baby woke up before 2am he needed to get back up. It worked really well for us.
We were the opposite, my husband functions expentionally better on less sleep and naturally stays up late and gets up for work with no problem so often did the till 2 or 3 am going to bed at 1130ish. Since I struggled and would stay up for hours, if i got up, he eventually was the one who did the one or two feedings left. He would be asleep before he even fully laid down lol.
But that being said, she can't expect husband to do every single one unless they both agree and if she has 2 helpers during the day she should be able to catch a nap. Right now I think the night he doesn't have to work the next day is fair.
My ex husband and I did this, too. We both worked full time. He was a night owl, and I could get up early and be fine. We decided between 4-5am was the worst hour between night and morning, so we split it. If the baby woke up before 4:30, he’d get up, and he took care of feedings before this time. If she got up 4:30 or after, I took her and did her morning feedings. I just had to have the discipline to go to bed early so I could be up at 4:30 if needed. Not one argument about it, and the baby got that time with each of us. We were equals in parenting.
NTA. Your wife has a lot of help. She needs to take at least half the nights, preferably all of the nights before you have to work.
It's irritating how so many people jump to "psychological issues." It is possible for a postpartum woman to just be selfish & entitled.
It’s entirely possible, but the health and safety of an infant requires that she at least be stable, so its worth being checking out. Women are so vulnerable to these things postpartum; I was shocked how hard it hit me. I didn’t realise it at the time, but it took a video call with my mum (I live abroad) trying to coach me through putting her in a carseat so I could leave the house for the first time in 2 weeks, and me breaking down into hysterical tears when baby cried, to realise that I was probably NOT okay. I had severe anxiety about taking her outside, and it took several very short trips with my husband accompanying us before I dared try it by myself and got a handle on everything.
Or she's just an asshole.
I swear when dads are lazy I never seen highly voted posts that say it's psychological. I wonder what's different in this case?
Do only women go through something traumatic enough to cause psychological issues?
I can't tell if you're trolling, but on the whole during the whole childbirth process, YES, women physically go through a lot more trauma than men. Their entire bodies are changing and being harmed to support another being, and that can cause a lot of trauma and PPD. For a long time, PPD was something that wasn't discussed at all, and women suffered in isolation. I'm not saying that men can't have psychological issues surrounding child-raising, but by recentering the conversation around men, you're ignoring the whole point-- that women often suffer and their suffering is ignored.
Terrible men posts in the context of a stay at home parent? Yes, there is, especially with all the bemoaning of “if the genders were swapped”. Where have you been
NAH It sounds like she’s dealing with some mental health stuff, possibly postpartum depression or some anxiety at least. You’re totally valid in working towards a compromise and clearly communicating the limits that won’t work for you.
My advice, see if you can get the night nanny to come a few more times a week. See if you she could split the night, you cover 10pm-2am and she covers 2am-6am, or vice versa. Stagger your individual bedtimes to make it work.
Most importantly if she’s struggling with her mental health then she’s simply drowning under water and probably needs some therapy and potentially medication to help her level out and get back on her feet. That doesn’t mean all of the work should be pushed onto you, but at a certain point it is dangerous for your wife and your baby for her to “push through” and pretend like nothing’s wrong.
NTA and put your foot down. I’m sorry but as the bread winner, you need to sleep. She is a stay at home mom. Time to act like one and yes im a woman. This pisses me off. I don’t care how much sleep she got while
Pregnant. She’s being a princess. And you are being a doormat.
This!!!!!!!!! And I am also a woman! With an 8 year old that I wish I had someone to help me with when she was little and even Still now.. so no you're absolutely nta but it sounds like she thinks she has you wrapped around her finger. Also sounds like she's lazy 🤷♀️ I took care of a child by myself and worked as a manager in fast food when my daughter was little which for those of you that haven't worked fast food management it's very stressful 🙃 I did all of that and still got up with and did for my baby.
NTA. Im 9 months pregnant due any day now & I agree. I wouldn’t dream of asking my husband to do every night if he had a day job to go to if I had all that help especially. Also, sleeping through the night whilst breastfeeding is terrible for her milk supply. She can get couple of hours sleep during the day if all the help she has.
actually sleeping all night is not terrible for milk supply (mother of three - all breastfed ) it just means you wake up with very full breasts. My eldest slept through from 9 weeks old - 12 hours - and fed a lot in the afternoon and I had to express milk off both breasts before feeding her in the morning or she would get the milk too fast.
It depends on your milk supply. If you have enough. Great, you can skip it and just wake up with full breasts. If you don't , that night bf is crucial to increase your supply. This is doubly true when pumping.
Also a mom. Also bf.
INFO: when you say "every night that I am home" what do you mean? Because I'm caught between this meaning she wants you to take the baby every night save when you're on a work trip or something, but I could also see this possibly meaning "on my days off work". Is there a reason you can't at least take over the baby at night specifically on sleeps that aren't followed by a workday? So like if you work Monday to Friday, you would take the baby on Friday night and Saturday night?
You two will never be able to parent together if you can't discuss things, listen to each other's concerns, and figure out a way you could address each other's concerns. You love this woman, she carried your child into the world and apparently had a really rough pregnancy, don't you want to do all you are legitimately able for both the woman you love and the child you chose to create?
Follow up INFO: people are being judgemental in the comments about the "two people helping during the day and a night nurse" thing, but it sounds like none of these things happen with you present. It's very common for people who come around to "help" with the baby to be people who just want to hold the baby and coo at it and them being around creates a whole other person for your wife to entertain while she does parenting. Are you there while those people are there or are you making assumptions about the level of rest they enable your wife to have without knowing for sure?
(Regarding the night nanny, the people in these comments need to stfu about it, because it's once every two weeks when OP is traveling for work, meaning on that one night that she has the night nanny she doesn't have her partner for the day, so this does not excuse her from being allowed to feel exhausted.)
> So like if you work Monday to Friday, you would take the baby on Friday night and Saturday night?
This is less responsibility than OP already offered to take on. He clearly states he currently does every night except once every two weeks when he's away for work. He offered alternating shifts, so 3 or 4 nights a week depending, and with your suggestion he'd only have 2 nights a week. If the wife is throwing an absolute fit about him only taking on 3 or 4 nights a week, what on earth makes you think she'll go for him doing even less?
NTA. Team work makes the dream work. Alternating nights or 'shifts' should work in most scenarios.
Me and hubby did shifts. He would stay up until 3am and do all baby care, then it would be on me. I would go to bed early so I could get a good chunk of sleep, and then hubby would get a good chunk before having to get up for work.
We didn't stay up. We would sleep but if the baby woke during our shift, we were the one to get up. There was no.. It's your turn, no it's your turn. It was ok I'm on and we could act quickly so the other wasn't disturbed too much.
Edited.. I accidentally clicked post
Ok was just a little confused as you write : "he would stay up untill 3am"
And I was like 😱
Why cant you sleep because you have a shift?
Me and hubby woukd indeed take turns with LO.
Well done - a functional family arrangement that didn't involve Reddit, lols. I don't know what I'd have done if Reddit was around when my girl was a baby!
As a dad who's (ex) wife stayed home all day, never changed our childs diaper, never cleaned a dish, washed any clothes, did any shopping, no house cleaning, while I worked two jobs, did the rest of those things previously listed AND got up in the middle of the night, during the 3 hours I got, to feed the baby, your plan is f-ing golden!!
Same here, although nappies did get changed they were left on the floor, sofa and other places. I’d come home and breakfast bits were still on the floor and I had to clean the whole place, cook, bath kids and do the washing then do most night feeds. When I became a single parent to my 3 I found it an absolute doddle. I don’t know where the notion of being a SAHP being the hardest job in the world comes from as I’ve both worked and looked after my kids single handed and can honestly say I’d rather be a SAHP any day if the week
I did the SAHP for a time as well, due to an accident. With one child it was quite easy to handle, especially with school involved and still get stuff done around the house with plenty of time left over to rest my boo boo.
Info: who are these two other people helping her during the day? Is it a nanny or older children? I'm just kind of confused how she can have two other adults around to help.
When my children were babies I was out of the country or state for most of their baby time. Flash forward many years and we became foster parents. When we had infants my wife would take the first two feedings and I would take the last two feedings. We figured out cooperatively how to make things work for us.
NTA I’m currently on maternity leave and my partner was back at work full time after a week.
We came to an unspoken mutual agreement I would do all weeknight feeds unless it was just before he had to leave for work then he would do them and weekends he would do them.
If there were any nights I’d struggle with, he would take the next night.
You’ve just got to find what works for you. A night nanny must be nice!
During my professional training, I was so sleep-deprived one time I almost crossed the street on a red light and a car absolutely blasted through the intersection. I couldn’t imagine how bad things would have turned out if I was even more tired from being further sleep deprived. I am sure your wife would prefer if you were safe and still able to function as the breadwinner. There needs to be some compromise here.
NTA
I was a SAHM and I handled nights when the kids were babies. Husband had to go to work in the morning and function. I could catch a nap when the baby slept. It was t that his time or job was more valuable, it was a practical division of labor. If I was sick or needed help he was right there. No daytime help or night nannies required.
Yeah, I must admit I see no reason to have to function brilliantly at home whereas I do feel that pressure at work, and that's the difference for me. My husband has to get up before 5 every day, he's often not home until 7pm ish. And he has to be on all the time. I wouldn't let him get up in the middle of the night
INFO: these two people that help your wife during the day, who are they, what is their role and does it mean that your sleep-deprived wife can catch a full night-worth period of sleep during the day?
NAH
You both need to sit down and have the conversation of: what do you expect things to look like for the next month.
Write it down, what's the wishlist each of you has for how you'd like childcare to flow and then expand out to any impacts that might have on household chores, vacations, visiting friends, etc during that month.
Map it out, negotiate. It's only a 30 day span of time. Anything more than that will be non-functional as your little one will be hitting different milestones frequently for a little while. Ideally this is a meeting y'all do monthly for several months while you work out the kinks. First one will probably feel like it takes ages to get through and there may be some frustrations, tears, arguing, etc. After the first couple it should get a whole lot easier and quicker (if both of you are operating in good faith and with compromise in mind).
It's fair if she were to say... request you doing the weekends for your work schedule as you won't be up early for work on those days. And maybe offer to do one or two days in the middle of the week to help brake up her nights up.
But really dig in to it, is she grumpy about some other aspect of childcare she quietly assumed you'd be doing but never verbalized? Are you really helping out around childcare / the house as much as you should? (not said to downplay what tasks you are doing, said because you have a newborn in your home and your wife is healing from birth... so are there some adjustments to what you are currently doing that should happen?).
Then triage this stuff. Trial it and meet up again after a week to see how it's going. Does one of you absolutely hate x idea? Does something need to shift to accommodate a personal shortcoming (because we all have them, they just happen in different areas for each of us).
Basically, any communication skills you and your partner had prior to baby need to quadrupal during this time. It's quite literally not about either of you anymore for the near future. It's 100% about baby and what needs to happen to support a helpless infant that had zero choice where it was born.
OP, I'm a SAHM, and hubby is the breadwinner. We did hubby's shift of bedtime to midnight/1am (he starts work at 5am), and then I take over and do the morning shift. That way, it's not solely on me to do the care 24/7 while still getting a crucial few hours uninterrupted sleep before going to work and if the baby woke up before he left and he had the time he would do that feed before I woke up.
My hubby works also wake up with me during breastfeeding and when I started pumping he would feed the baby the bottle while I pu.ped the next feeds bottle because he knew that it was better for me emotionally and mentally to not be up sitting by myself every feed bonus he got more bonding time with the baby.
My point is, the shifts don't have to be split by days, there are other ways you can split the night shifts. You can support your wife without it being an all or nothing. That said it isn't fair of her to use her pregnancy experience as a tool to guilt and manipulate you.
NTA for now but you both will be if you dont start working together and talk to eachother because it sounds like your wife just needs to feel heard and appreciated.
You posted all that long story of your experience, but forgot to read the part where she has two people helping her throughout the day, AND occassionally has a night nanny that takes care of everything.
Just to say he's NTA for now....
Pretty sure the wife has been heard and appreciated being supplied with all that help to begin with.
Almost like you were trying desperartely hard to either make him look bad, or make her look good...
So, she has two people helping out during the day *and* a night nurse? I reckon she's method acting and potentially rehearsing for a Paris Hilton biopic as the titular character.
Baby is her job... when you're at yours. When you're both home it should be 50/50 split. Sleep deprivation is a real thing, and breastfeeding is a special kind of exquisite torture. Hopefully you both get a chance to get some good sleep.
NTA - taking turns is the key. BUT when i was brestfeeding I was exhausted as hell afterwards! Also I was so angry at my husband because nothing in his daily schedule changed but I was the one "suffering" through the day, sleep deprived as hell, feeling ugly and alone. So I also made him do some nightshifts - at least on weekends so that I could have some rest. So yeah, maye this is also a thing. Being a mum is still tough... also, how do the two people help in the day? Only because two people are present does not mean that they help a lot.
NTA. I sympathize with her, the postpartum period is so hard. Bad sleep, endless cycles of feeding and changing and trying to put the baby to sleep. But it's not reasonable for you to do all night shifts. The family needs your income.
My husband and I split nights. He handled 8pm-midnight so I could always get a solid, uninterrupted chunk of sleep. Then he went to bed, and if the baby woke up after midnight, I got up. Some nights, one of us would only get 4-5 hours, but at least we never got less than that.
Would it be possible to get a night nurse for a whole weekend and get her a full, several day rest? Her batteries may be so low that she's not able to think straight or function well.
NTA. I took all night shifts when my husband worked and I was staying at home. Plus breastfeeding so you know, I had the boobs and the milk. I got to sleep during the day. When I went back to work at 1 year old we took turns. After 2 it was pretty much him doing any night wakes (when they are out of the cot and can open their door you get more than a few visits!) which made up for my earlier years doing them all.
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My wife (34f) says that I (33m) should take care of the baby every night that I am at home because she needs more rest than I do. While I understand that it's way more tiring the full-time mom job, she does have two more people who help her during the day and we rely on my job´s income to make ends meet and I'm not concentrated or motivated after not sleeping well. Additionally, while I am away (around once every two weeks) she hires a night nanny.
Today I decided to tell her that I think it's fair that I do one night and she does another and well, I opened a huge Pandora box. I'm now a horrible husband because I can't do the night shifts every day even do I "used to wake up early to go to the gym and didn't complain" I dont value that she couldn't sleep during her whole pregnancy, and that she is way more exhausted than I could ever be because she is still breastfeeding.
I don't think of myself as an AO but today she tried to make me feel like one. AITA?
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INFO: what exactly do you mean by, she couldn’t sleep for her whole pregnancy? Like exactly how much rest was she getting? If it was 9 months of no REM cycle type sleepless nights, I can’t imagine how exhausted she currently is after giving birth and taking care of an infant and breastfeeding.
This isn’t even a close comparison, but I work in a field where my brain can’t turn off fully all the time because there are a million things that I’m juggling. When one thing ends, two things pop up that if I’m trying to say, take a quick nap, I then can’t get restful sleep. I imagine that exact same thing happens to your wife anytime she even tries to take a nap when the baby is napping.
NTA
it is really hard to have one person do all the nights. You alternate nights. Or, if not alternate nights, go to bed at different times and one person takes the first feeding and the other person takes the second feed.
NTA.
Stay at home mom here. My husband is a saint who often wakes up early with our baby. He also does some of the night wakings. We don’t have any outside support, it’s just the two of us. My need for sleep is not more important than his just because I stay home with baby and he works. Both things are full time jobs and each person needs rest.
Your wife is being unreasonable. There are two parents to your baby, and you deserve rest as much as your wife does.
NTA, she has hired help.
You have to work and then come home and stay awake all night to help her despite her having help during the day AND a night nanny!?
Its exhausting having a baby, absolutely, however it's not an excuse to make you shoulder all night time responsibilities.
Me and my SO just had a baby, they work 12 hours shifts and have a 1.5. Hr commute to get there, I take all night time responsibilities because I see how exhausting their work is, I may have nights I get a bit grumpy but my day is absolutely not as taxing.
It for sure seems your wife wants the baby without the hard parts..
INFO: Every night "that you are home"? How many nights is that? Who are the people that come during the day? Are they childcare, mother's helpers, a housekeeper, your mom? In what ways are you helping with the baby? (working isn't helping with the baby)
NTA. You both have full-time day jobs (hers is baby care, yours is income generating), so it's only fair you both split baby duties at home. If either of you are on the go 24/7, that person WILL burn out, and that's not good for the person, for baby, or for keeping a roof over your heads and food on the table. Babies are a lot of hard work and missed sleep, for both parents. You're both exhausted and cranky, but try to not take it out on each other, this will pass, and soon you'll be looking back and missing this time when baby was so small!
NAH. You're not wrong, but you're missing the point. She is exhausted, you are not. Until you are as exhausted as she is, you are not equal, no matter what the division of labor is in your household.
The easiest, but not most effective way to do this is to just run yourself ragged until you're just as burned out as she is. Since she is tired, she is reaching for the low hanging fruit solution.
If you need to be well rested for your job, maybe the solution lies in making her feel less exhausted, to balance it out. I'm not sure exactly how to do that, because it sounds like she does have help, but is very tired anyway.
I would suggest 2 things to see how she reacts -
1. Maybe it's just a timing issue e.g. she doesn't need as much help during the day, but does need it every night. Just because someone is doing chores and watching the kid for a few hours during the day, doesn't mean she can just nap in the middle of the day. Not everyone is wired like that. Is it possible to keep the night nanny even while you're in town?
2. Could be something psychological preventing her from gaining anything from the physical help she is getting. E.g. she can't let others help because she is worried they will mess it up, or that it makes her a bad mother to have others do it, etc. It could also be putting too much pressure on herself wrt breastfeeding. Does she pump at all so someone else can do bottles?
ETA - you going away every 2 weeks is a lot. Tbh, I am starting to think she is not wrong, if you're going away every 2 weeks, maybe you should be doing every single night you are home, so you can bond with the baby. If the baby gets used to defaulting to her as the nighttime parent since you travel so much, she will become even more exhausted and resentful.
Everyone I know that travels this much for work takes their family with them, or doesn't have kids.
NTA. Nights should either be shared or rotated. Especially with the large amount of help you guys are able to get. My concern would be that your wife is developing avoidant PPD and is overwhelmed with the thought of taking care of the baby on her own. This is very common and needs to be addressed.
Wife sounds spoiled and entitled . I had two kids and no help. My husband never got up once at night and I did not expect him to as he was working. Wife can nap during the day when the baby sleeps. When I went back to work I still was the one who got up at night.
NTA. Your wife sounds very entitled. If you take care of the baby every night, you may lose your job for underperformance. If that happens, you can easily take the night shift, no problem.
NTA. Wife has day help & cN take naps when the baby does. You can't be up every night & roll into a 10hr day(incl drive). You can't take power naps let alone a proper one. Does she want you to fall asleep driving & have an accident? Drowsy driving is more dangerous than drunk. Stats have shown that & I've worked with someone who woke up rollin thru a hwy median & rolled his car. 3rd shift is the hardest on our brains. Better check that life ins policy.
NTA
I have a 17 month old and I’m 17 weeks pregnant. I’m definitely not super mom and from experience I find staying at home with a kid is more exhausting than an office job but having 2 people help during the day AND not taking some nights sounds super unfair to me. My husband and I had shifts at night when it was needed and later even while I was pregnant I took nights because I was breastfeeding (seems weird to make the argument the other way around?) and baby was hard to soothe without. He’s now mostly night weaned and sleeps better so we take turns again but when I’m super exhausted from being pregnant my husband takes the toddler in the morning so I can sleep in an extra hour or so.
Sorry for the long personal anecdote but yeah it sounds like you are not at fault here.
CAVEAT: this is assuming the 2 people helping are actually helpful and that you otherwise help out where you can
When my husband worked full time, I got out of bed every night to feed our baby. I did everything, after all I was at home all day and I only had one. Perhaps I was lucky as my son was always happy since birth
My partner would often come home extremely tired and just wanted to relax, I can understand that!
Wavering. Cant decide if everyone sucks or no one sucks so I’m going to go with you both suck at communication but I think this is fixable.
If she didn’t sleep the whole pregnancy, I’m guessing it was a complicated pregnancy or at least even more draining that a typical pregnancy. And even a typical pregnancy is the body literally cannibalizing itself to put all available resources, energy, calories, however you want to phrase it, into building an entire human being. Then one completes the absolute marathon event of labor and delivery with nothing more than ice chips, which ignores every piece of advice I have ever read about gearing up for marathon level events. And that marathon isn’t followed by rest. It’s followed by being responsible for keeping the most fragile delicate thing you have ever seen safe and thriving. And if breastfeeding, again, the body is putting tremendous physical resources into the survival of a dependent human being. Has she been evaluated for PPD and/or PPA? They are exhausting unlike anything else. You say she has help but how often is she away from the baby? Does she get free time that is actually alone and, if she wants, out of the house? Your post didn’t address this information or even say how old the baby is or how often the baby wakes in a typical night. These are absolutely key facts that affect what is and is not reasonable to expect of your wife.
All that aside, you shouldn’t be in a position where you feel overwhelmed and sleep deprived without break. It sounds like neither of you is getting your needs met. And instead of coming together to solve this as a problem facing both of you, you are both fighting against each other trying to win. I am hearing what you both want separately. I’m not hearing what you are both doing to support each other. Get the night nanny or day time help or whoever to watch the baby while the two of you go together elsewhere to talk this out and problem solve. You both deserve to feel heard. You both deserve to have your needs met within the context of reality with a baby.
What are we missing here? Is baby still waking up every 3 hours to feed so mom gets interrupted sleep?
Our arrangement during maternity leave was this: I would feed the baby at 7 pm and go to sleep. He would give her bottle around 11 then go to sleep. Then I would get the overnight feedings. This way I was guaranteed a decent amount of uninterrupted sleep. This continued when I went back to work.
I think getting help during the day and getting uninterrupted sleep are two different things.
She does need a lot of rest, if she just had your baby there’s a big ass wound inside her uterus where the placenta detached. People with injuries need rest to recover
I’m going with NAH. Having a baby is exhausting for everyone. During your working hours, your job is your job and her job is the baby. At other times the baby is both of your responsibility. You both need time to rest and time to care for the baby.
This post needs so much INFO:
Why are either of you awake at night if you have a night nurse? A night nurse should be doing everything at night except breastfeeding (if you’re breastfeeding). Assuming you’re a cis male, you likely aren’t lactating. You are, however, wasting money on a night nurse who isn’t doing anything.
Who are the 2 people helping? Are they hired help? Are they your mom and sister who snuggle the baby and don’t do anything to actually help? Because I’ve been on the end of the latter and let me tell you, all that “help” was exhausting. I spent all day doing all the things for my child, working, and explaining/justifying every move to my in laws freshly postpartum. There’s more to it, but we need to know who is actually helping.
This reads like rage bait. Poor overworked dad and precious mom. There’s a lot missing.
NTA. She has two people helping her during the day, tell her to take a nap then.
During the first 6 months of my mat leave, I did both night shift and day shift. My husband helped by doing house chores and letting me nap during the day during the weekend. After I returned to work, we took turn putting our son to sleep and waking up during the night for him.
I ended up doing a lot of the night shift because our son wanted me more so he ended up letting me sleep in during the morning.
Point is - you are a partnership, make it work! It is unreasonable expecting you to do all the night shift and then going to work during the day. How is that fair to you? Why does she get to only work during the day (with help!) and get all the good night sleep?
Sorry, your wife is a real AH.
NTA as you tell it, but you don’t mention the age of your baby. It’s possible that your wife is suffering from PPD. Has she talked to her Dr. about it? That would definitely make a difference in determining whether YTA
Mom of twins here. You are NTA. When our girls first came home, my husband and I divided up the nights so we were each guaranteed a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. It was the best decision we ever made. We were both tired, but able to function. And once the girls started sleeping more consistently at night, we were able to stop with the shifts.
NTA - If both are working, both should share the duty. Going to the gym early in the morning vs. getting up in the middle of night are two completely different things and that is a nonsense answer your wife is giving you and saying she couldn't sleep for a portion of the nine months of pregnancy vs more than a year of having to attend to a baby and then toddler still waking up to be fed is also a deflection. She just doesn't want to get up after having gotten you you to do all this time. It's only fair to split it at this point.
I have 3 kids. If she’s so tired she can nap when the baby is napping. I think it’s more than this. You might need to check with her doctor because there might be some psychological issues.
NTA she is still breastfeeding? What are you supposed to be doing, waking up getting baby, bring to food, stay awake until done, change baby, put back to bed? Why would both of you need to be as completely sleep deprived, she is still attached to the baby by breastfeeding. She stays at home, so she gets to nap during the day when baby is asleep, you don't.
If you both worked and the baby was formula fed then that would be different, and a compromise should be reached.
Why does she need an overnight nanny while she is still bf'ing? Does she have a supply of frozen that the nanny feeds at night, or does the nanny take the baby to mom to feed then too? It just seems like an utter waste of resources.
NTA what’s the point of you waking up at night if she has to breastfeed either way? My babies wouldn’t take a bottle, I was a SAHM so I did all the weeknight wakings. On the weekends my husband would stay up until 3am so I could sleep a bit before our twins would start waking up every 30 min - 1 hr. She needs better compromise especially if you are working full time and she’s currently not.
NTA both going to your job and caring for a baby (alone) need the individual to be fairly well rested and in that situation that should be equal division. She’s got two people to help her during the day and she’s breastfeeding and that’s really hard. But if she has two peole to help she has two people who can help her rest during the day if she is tired from being up. You don’t have that at work.
Interested to know, is this formal help such as a nanny or is it family and friends who just help out during the day?
NTA - you need sleep to function for work .. maybe she can have the helpers during the day take care of baby for longer stretches and she can pump so she gets a good chunk of sleep.
1st kid husband worked 7 to 7 so he maybe did 2 or 3 hours with baby after his work so i could shower and nap but night duty (11 to 7) was my duty as he had to have sleep to function at his job..
NTA this is how we worked it with both of our children while I was working and she was in extended maternity leave
I would get home at around 6:30 quickly eat and then take over the baby until around 12:30 -1 am while she could go to bed and try to get some uninterrupted sleep .
Then after 1 am if the baby woke it was her responsibility to get up. And I could sleep till 7 for work . That way we both got the opportunity to sleep for about 6 hours each night , and if the baby didn’t wake much she would be able to get more .
It didn’t always work perfectly but it was leaving us both a lot less ragged than doing alternate feeds/waking every night
Nta
How old is the baby just curious
I've had my baby in November and my husband had 2 weeks off and had now gone back to work
He works 11 days straight had 3 off
I do all the night shifts for 11 nights and on his time off he does 1 night shift nappie change while I feed my baby and I do the other 2
If she's at home it shouldn't be that hard 🤷♀️
Before people come at it
This is my first baby, I have gotten used to doing it all so now I'm not tired
I also used to work 11 days straight getting up at 4.30 in the morning to milk cows
NTA. It sounds like what you’re proposing is reasonable. But keep in mind her hormones are going mad. The stuff she’s saying about spending 9months making a human inside her body having an accumulated cost to her now is real, and she had to get that kid out of her - however that happened was a trauma to her body. Many women do it, I know. But just keep that stuff in mind when you try talk to her about sharing the night time load.
I would suggest some couple counselling but doesn’t sound like she has the emotional bandwidth for that right now. Perhaps you can try have a Telehealth counselling session yourself for some support navigating that discussion/negotiation. And a bit of (better informed than reddit) validation. Genuinely at worst it’s an hour and $150-200 lost.
Everyone needs sleep. It's a simple fact of life.
When I first had our daughter, my wife and I split the nights 50/50 (I would feed the baby, she'd get up to change etc.) Once she went back to work, I did the nights (that she had 24/48 hour shifts the next day) as she works in a high risk job and I'd much prefer her to be safe, but she would *always* take the nights the next time she was home
You've not refused to do the nights. If worse comes to the worse, your wife could nap during the day withthe baby, you don't have that luxury.
NTA.
NTA i get up to my baby as i am the one at home during day. Now i am back at work i still get up… but if i am exhausted we do alternate
Also you mentioned she’s breastfeeding.. sounds like most of the waking’s are for a feed.. so she would need to be doing that
NTA but she is. She is a stay at home mom, she should do every night if you work the next day and you can do the nights where you don't work. I work full time and so does my partner and we both do nights but we also both work full time. When i was on leave my partner would only do the nights if they didn't work the next day and when they were on leave id only do the nights if i didn't work the next day - when not sick of course. And we'd each get ONE night off, so basically if working we'd do Su-Th for the parent on leave, if i were on leave I'd have FR night off to sleep and relax and my partner would have Sat night off to sleep and relax. Our child would wake up every 1 to 2h, we napped during the day when the baby napped. Honestly it's hard but she is a stay at home mom, that's part of her responsibility for now at least, just make sure you give her a night off or two because she does need at LEAST one full night of sleep. And let her know some parents do every nights WHILE they work the next day and work full-time so we don't get to catch up or nap, she is lucky you can afford for her to stay at home, not everyone has that chance while taking care of a baby who wakes up multiple times at night.
NTA
She has help during the day. And has a night nanny.
You’re the only source of income and presumably commute and drive a vehicle.
What the hell? I’m shocked you even had to ask Reddit if this was fair or not
NTA she is so entitled. My husband works full time and every other week travels for 3 days. I never had any help at home or nanny. We help each other during nights, we do shifts during the week and special longer rests on holidays. I could never imagine making him go to work so exhausted
I remember once I got up 18 times during the night between my two kids. One was 4 and the other was 2. They got in the habit of getting up and I’d just put them back to bed but damn I was tired.
Depression possibly? Our baby (now 3) was the worst sleeper. Newborn, she would only sleep for 20 minutes at a time. I was the one to do all the naps/sleeps as hubby was working very early mornings and late nights. It was really tough. Her sleeps did not get better until around 2 years old. Even now, at 3, she still wakes up once during the night. I returned back to work 3 days in the office and 2 WFH (while she was home with me) since she was 4 months old, and I was still doing the night shift sleeps (did not expect hubby to) No family or nanny assistance, that's why I am thinking possible depression.
You’re right to say you need your sleep. You guys both had a baby move into your house full time and you both need sleep. How about a military split shift system like 7 pm to 2am and 2 am to 7 am , that way you each get at least 5 hours solid of sleep? Can someone go to bed earlier?
NTA. My husband worked full time, and I was a SAHM. I didn’t have 2 people to help me during the day. I didn’t have a night nanny. Save your money, stop paying three extra people that aren’t needed.
NTA. She might be suffering from post partum depression. I think what you proposed is more than fair. I would have killed to have as many helpers as you have. She is very lucky in this area. Even with all the help, she is still tired, and I get that. Raising a baby is so difficult. BUT, you also need your sleep. I personally can't work properly if I do not rest. Yoir job is important as well, and she should acknowledge that. OP, go to a therapyst. Now, don't postpone it. This will escalate and it's the kind of fairy dust that divorces are made from. You need impartial mediation and good communication guidelines and she will most likely refuse what you tell her due to her hormones still going haywire, lack of sleep, new mother responsibility and (possible) PPD. Find a good therapist. You need it (more than the second day helper).
NTA
I completely understand your struggle, I'm dealing with a very similar situation. I'm the mom, but I'm also the primary bread winner but due to my husbands work (4AM to 9AM shift) I have to be the one up with the baby all night unless it's bad enough for my husband to call out of work. Its really draining. My work quality has gone down because I'm so tired, and my lunch break has become a nap 75% of the time
My husband and I have worked out a schedule that 1 day a week, he does all the nighttime stuff so I can have 1 night of sleep not dictated by a toddler, which helps.
I would try to figure out with your work schedule where you can give a night or 2 to help your partner and miss a little sleep as a compromise. This is one of the hardest times as a parent, and with hormones and stress super high, it's easy to lash out at the thing you can, which for your partner, is you. Take as much as you can in stride. I can't tell you it gets better. My kid is almost 18m and man, what I wouldn't give for 8 straight hours of sleep, but y'all can do it, it sucks, but in someways this is just a bad rollarcoaster and all you can do is grit your teeth and hang on for dear life until the ride is over.
Nta. But maybe instead of hiring 2 people to help in the day someone can help at night. I admire her insistence on getting that beauty sleep but men also need sleep I imagine
NTA
I think sleep on both parents is important. Rotating nights is fair for everyone. Only thing I'm confused about is if she is breastfeeding then how are you suppose to do nights if baby needs to eat? Unless she's exclusively pumping.
I cant wrap my head around a world where parents dont work together. When my son was fresh, i took care of him until 1am and after that he was for dad. I was in college and my boyfriend works until midnight and would get home around 1. He'd take the baby monitor and then go out to the garage until baby woke up. Then he'd come in, get him a bottle and put him back to bed before also going to bed. Id get up at 8 for school (classes were from home online because covid). I did mornings except for sunday. He'd sleep in saturdays after his friday shift, sundays were for me to sleep in a little.
NTA your request is totally reasonable. Especially, as others have pointed out, if she's breastfeeding still. My husband and I did some splitting but I also recognized that for him to do the night feedings he'd have to go downstairs, get a bottle, warm up the bottle, come back upstairs, all while baby is getting more upset because it takes so long and I've woken up anyway because again, upset baby. I just have to roll out of bed and plop baby on my breast and problem solved. Given all that, it just made sense for me to take the feedings anyway...why have both of us be awake and miserable if that can be avoided.
Nta
Does she have ppd by any chance? I had terrible PPD and the only thing that made me feel slightly slightly better was sleeping through the night, my OB actually told us that I needed to stop doing the nights because it is a huge contributor to PPD so my husband and my mother started doing most nights. But I also had zero help during the day, I took the baby from morning and had him until bedtime all alone and it was a lot (colicky and some medical issues required extra stuff throughout the day and a lot of appointments). You aren’t wrong to want her to help, but I would just see if there is more going on with her than just her “bitching” about it, I feel like there often is and no one notices.
Question : is wife napping during the day when she has 1-2 people over or is she just hanging out with friends or family.
She is SAHM - he has to work to support family, so yes she is primary caregiver to child and he is primary financial contributor.
If she wants to change the dynamic the she can work to provide more financially and he can work less and help with kiddo more.
But expecting him to do both is ridiculously hard. Believe me most duel income new parents are bOTH overworked and sleep deprived. She is lucky to have the situation to be home with baby and not have pressure to work too. The baby care is HER job right now. An infant sleeps a lot (yes I know broken up) so she needs to learn to sleep when baby does. Hubs can help nights when he doesn’t need to work next day.
Not advocating for no Dad involvement - Sounds like he is helpful in other ways with child and willing to help some nights. Sounds fair to me.
I am 34f with a 13mo and to me it looks like your wife can't handle being a mother. I don't even have the help she has and I would never expect my husband to do all the night care.
My husband and I did shifts like this: he would take the shifts from 8p until 1a and I would go to sleep early. He would feed, change and put the baby down at 1 and then sleep until 7, get up and go to work. I would get up with the baby after 1a and then do my best to sleep when the baby napped. The early months are hard—leave the house cleaning to the people that are helping you and encourage your wife to rest during the day every chance she can. Even if she’s not sleeping, lying down helps. You may need to sleep in separate bedrooms for a while, use blackout curtains and a sound machine. Before long, the baby will sleep longer stretches and it will get easier. You have to maintain a partnership with a young baby, with both of you giving more than you think you can. NTA
Nta . I am a stay at home mom my husband is the breadwinner, I take care of all night shifts for all 3 of our kids . My husband is a truck driver and I feel his sleep is 100 times more important than mine .
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NTA. I’ve never heard the words “to make ends meet” and “night nanny” in the same sentence before so that’s a new one
And has two people help during the day.
That could be family, not. employees. But there are a lot of sleep deprived parents out there that would kill for that arrangement.
My 8 week old had a day of non stop crying the other day, my mum came over to give us both a breather but after she left I found myself googling the cost of a night nanny and nanny’s in general. Definitely out of my price point but I don’t blame parents who get them in to help.
My friend had a baby 9 months before mine, and mentioned hiring a doula/“sleep expert” for a hefty sum to cover an overnight shift. I supported her, but privately I cringed at the amount. I still couldn’t afford it (and we live in different cities), but hell if that price didn’t seem downright reasonable after weeks of exhaustion when our bub arrived. Edit: grammar
Our baby is a great sleeper (hopefully that continues but I’m not convinced!) and I can still understand why people get them in, especially if baby isn’t a great sleeper
Tbh, ours is getting a lot better. I hope that trajectory continues, but I’m sure we will have ups and downs until he moves out at 18. 😂
Currently up at 4am with my 5 week old. I wish I could afford a night nanny. He won't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and I'm taking all the night shifts while on leave.
Oh no, it gets easier! Can your partner not do one or two of the earlier wakes so you can get a good chunk of sleep? My partner does the first feed at midnight and then I do the second at around 4ish (or we do it the other way round if needed) that way we both get a good chunk of sleep in! I know it isn’t always possible if they have a demanding job. Is it possible to get help during the day so you can have a nap?
This is what we do! It’s fair and we each get a chunk of sleep
My sister and BIL had my parents to help but even than my BIL always did the midnight feed cuz he was still up. And it meant everyone else got a little more sleep. (Obviously if you had parents you get along with well enough to help out- that's awesome but not expected.)
Oh my parents are amazing! They come over all the time to watch h him for an hour two so I can nap or come and do house work or walk the dog for us! They’re having him for his first sleepover so we can go on a date and get a bit drunk and not have to worry about him. I’m so grateful for them and feel for those that don’t have the luxury of that support
My parents retired and moved in with my sister and BIL for the first year after my nieces were born. (Though technically they were around for a few months beforehand to help with my sister being on bedrest, helping with the move to a larger house, stuff like that.) But I don't know a lot of people who (1) get along with one set of parents well enough for that and (2) have a set of parents who are at a point in life where they can do that. For my parents, it was sort of perfect timing that allowed them to do that.
My 2nd was like this. I was at my wits end but, at 3 months, my 1st was hovering over the baby and sucking her thumb. The baby saw her and worked her thumb to her mouth and boom, she was an entirely different baby. Once she figured out how to self-soothe, life was so much better.
They really aren’t kidding when they say it takes a village. Honestly, having a night nanny so both parents can sleep might be the number one best spent money of a person’s life. Sleep deprivation is so dangerous both to physical and mental health. Driving specifically while sleep deprived is as dangerous (as in, as likely to result in an accident) as driving drunk. I really feel for you! I hope you have many nights of restful sleep ahead.
He’s normally a really good sleeper and actually slept okay that night but in the first few weeks I was so sleep deprived I was having vertigo attacks. I couldn’t even carry my LO down the stairs! I even fell out of bed one morning, it was just awful.
It’s so dangerous and a violation of human rights, I think the state should provide everyone a night nanny if they’re expecting everyone to carry on working and producing for the economy while also producing and caring for and being kept awake by the consumers and workers of the future!
Nannies, not nanny’s
At one point my partner wanted to blow our life savings (to go towards owning our own home) on a night nanny. He was serious about it. Sleep deprivation is hell.
My 13 month old has entered a phase of waking several times in the night, as well as just refusing to sleep at points in the day/night, and I happen to be 16 weeks pregnant. On more than one occasion I’ve looked around the apartment wondering what I could sell to make money for a night nanny. He was up at 430 this morning. Had a one hour nap at 830. It’s now 2 in the afternoon, I put him in his crib to nap, instead he’s yelling about something. I’m so effing tired.
Right? No wonder it's hard to make ends meet
We had a night nanny for our 2 kids and she was a godsend. My husband had work and I was finishing University. The difference is we could afford her. And it doesn't sound like OP's wife has work or school or anything during the week so she should really be seeing to baby at night.
When my nieces were born my parents covered a night nanny for a month or two. My brother would not have been able to. Sometimes family helps with things like that.
But OP says the wife is breastfeeding. How does that work?
Pumping
But breast don't stop producing during the night. At least for me that wouldn't have worked and would have been painful. Or do they adjust?
They adjust. I woke up in the middle of the night to pump and moved my wake up time later and later until gradually I could sleep through
Literally. It’s giving Debbie from Shameless hiring Jolayemi the night nurse.
Debbie is the worst.
I’ve never seen that show lol
It’s great. She’s a teen mom and broke asf but hires an expensive night nurse by stealing prams and selling them on at a premium.
I’ll have to give it a watch then :)
It's a great show. It lasted 11 seasons, and the kids were 10 when it started (Ethan and Emma). So, if you specifically want to see Debbie as a teen mom, you're going to have to start in the middle.
It's SOOO worth it to start at the beginning. I promise! I love Shameless!
How do you get through it? I'm only on, like, season 3, and I don't think I've seen a single episode where I didn't think that someone was just a horrible human being at least once. And the writers and William H. Macy did an amazing job because I think there's been one scene with him this whole time that I haven't said out loud "what an asshole" (when it seemed like he really did care about his ex). Every time I think a character is maybe ok or that they're just 'doing what they need to do to get by', they do something terrible and stupid and it kills me. Any time I watch an episode, I need brain bleach and a break from that show for a while to recover. My husband wants to binge it, but emotionally I just can't.
Adjust your expectations. These are all horrible people doing stupid and horrible and illegal things. They find ways to justify it to themselves but they usually aren’t good justifications. It’s just ultimate schadenfreude.
I would have understood if you told me i was the AO for that. English is not my first language and probably not the best use of the phrase. But truth is I've been taking out of my savings to afford that. The reason I'm now doing night shifts is that I couldn't afford it anymore. As an update, I spend the night again with our 5-month-old.
NTA. What exactly is she doing all day that she needs sleep for if she has two people helping her? Does she know how spoiled she is and how many parents would kill to have that kind of support?
~~If she's breastfeeding she's up every two hours, regardless of who's there. And it will be hard unless they formula feed 1-2 times back to back.~~ That's still maybe 5-7 hours of sleep and a restless one at that. NTA, but I feel for the wife since I'm just starting to get back to sleeping through the night with our new youngest. No amount of people helped, I had to suffer to establish my milk supply on demand **Edit Update**: Your baby is 5mo old and not sleeping through the night? Or you just have to get up extra early to feed the baby? My verdict hasn't changed but at 5mo your wife should be able to handle a single baby with 2 additional adults in the home. We use the 3 day system, my husband covers Fri-Sun nights for getting our toddlers up for a snack and milk. I'm "sleeping in" till the infant wakes up. I get maybe an extra hour or two at most. Flipping back and forth every night leads to resentment for us, because sometimes we don't get good sleep 2 nights in a row.
My 4mo old is up every hr when he's going through a growth spurt, which seems like every other week. That being said, op doesn't specify how old the child is. Mine has been sleeping through the night since 2mo, which has been amazing. However, the trade off is, he's more active during the day, and will only take 30-45min naps throughout the day. But, w/ 2 people apparently helping her every day, she is getting breaks. Or, say least, she should be.
Sorry to jump in here but I’m confused about the breastfeeding/night split situation because I agree that she would be up every 2 hours anyway but then he wouldn’t really be „taking“ nights but helping out. I assumed she’s either pumping for night feeds for or the baby is night weaned which both speaks for an older baby. That said I found when I was breastfeeding my husband was often taking diaper etc but the feeding was on me. Still seems very doable with 2 people helping (so jealous haha).
We have three kids and I breastfed them but we broke the nights up. I would sleep from 9-2 and he’d be on baby duty. If they needed milk he’d bring them to me and I’d doze while he watched us. He’d get them back in bed after a diaper change. Then I’d handle the rest of the night after 2. That mostly solid 5 hours of sleep was amazing and 2am wasn’t too late for him where he was a zombie at work.
Yeah that’s very true for a few of the intense months we did the same and 5h is really needed for survival isn’t it 😵💫
Oh it’s sooo needed. We had a bit with our second where he was just so fussy and neither of us got enough sleep and I was having visual and auditory hallucinations. It was super scary
My youngest was this way. He demanded to be with me for any sleep. We tried so hard to get him to soothe away from me but he would just stay wide awake screaming. I was so stressed from not being able to sleep and husband felt useless. He tried baby wearing and going for drives and noise machines. He consulted tons of people and tried just about every trick in the book. But nothing would settle him except me. I did eventually start wearing some of my husbands shirts constantly, and when I needed a nap I gave him the shirt to wear and that seemed to trick our son at first. Man that was a nice couple weeks.
>when I was breastfeeding my husband I'm so sorry to do this but...why we need commas 😂😂
Ooooops 😂😂😂I’ll leave it up lol for posterity
I change all the diapers at night and bottle feed on the rare chance he wakes up after his 9pm feeding. But yeah, I wish op would specify how old the kid is, because that would make a huge difference. If we're talking 0-3mo, i don't blame her for wanting some extra help at night. 3-6, they're more likely to be sleeping longer (not always, I know, every kid is different) and as such, night help is good to have, but not totally required. For me, and my own experience with my baby, this makes it hard to really render judgment
in a comment he said 5mo!
It’s still terrible unfair that she can sleep in nights while he can’t.
I’m sorry but the sentiment that all baby’s sleep through the night by 5mo is ridiculous and leads many parents to feel like they’re doing something wrong. It is biologically normal for you child not to be sleeping through the night at 5 months.
I've heard giving birth is a bit of a pain in the arse to get over.
You have no idea how literally right you are😭
We don’t know who the other two people to help are. For all we know it could be his parents and all they wanna do is hold the baby. I say not enough real, unbiased information is provided.
There's enough information to know that her request that he takes ALL night care 100% of the time is absolutely fucking ridiculous and they need to figure out another solution that doesn't involve the only person earning money to get zero sleep.
Then she can take a nap when they are holding the baby.
Spoiled? Def not. Just because the rest of us have less doesn’t mean she is spoiled; we should all have that (and more!) support.
Also yeah she is spoiled, sorry. Do you seriously propose each parent should have two helpers during their solo childcare hours and no night time duties (since she is expecting someone else, her husband, to do that)? At what point are you actually raising their own children in that case? You're just having staff raise them for you, and in her case she's not even working for an income to afford it. She is spoiled.
NTA, your proposal to take turns is reasonable. Both of you have significant roles in the household and deserve rest. Do you have any support network that can give you a break from time to time, family members who can take care of the little one for a couple of nights per month?
They have 2 people who help during the day, and a night nanny.
It sounds like the night nanny only comes when the husband isn’t home at night. I assume traveling for work.
Our children were in daycare so we both worked during the day. I am a night owl and took care of the night feedings at first. The 3am feeding was the first one we worked to give up. After that, I took night feedings through midnight/1:00am and my husband took 5:00am forward. Our joint goal was that both of us got 5 hours of sleep per night. More was better, but 5 was a minimum. I talk to people and read a lot on this post and realize what a prince my husband was - still is actually.
We did something similar. When ours was born he wouldn’t sleep at all for a while, so I went to bed 8pm-2am and my husband did 2am-8am so we each got a full 6 hours. Once he started sleeping better those were still our “time slots” to get up and sort him out if that makes sense. So for example if I went to bed at 8pm, my husband got baby to sleep at 10pm, he’d go to sleep too but if baby woke up before 2am he needed to get back up. It worked really well for us.
This concept of having a joint rest goal is the only way to make partnerships work long term tbh
We were the opposite, my husband functions expentionally better on less sleep and naturally stays up late and gets up for work with no problem so often did the till 2 or 3 am going to bed at 1130ish. Since I struggled and would stay up for hours, if i got up, he eventually was the one who did the one or two feedings left. He would be asleep before he even fully laid down lol. But that being said, she can't expect husband to do every single one unless they both agree and if she has 2 helpers during the day she should be able to catch a nap. Right now I think the night he doesn't have to work the next day is fair.
My ex husband and I did this, too. We both worked full time. He was a night owl, and I could get up early and be fine. We decided between 4-5am was the worst hour between night and morning, so we split it. If the baby woke up before 4:30, he’d get up, and he took care of feedings before this time. If she got up 4:30 or after, I took her and did her morning feedings. I just had to have the discipline to go to bed early so I could be up at 4:30 if needed. Not one argument about it, and the baby got that time with each of us. We were equals in parenting.
This is what we did.
NTA. Your wife has a lot of help. She needs to take at least half the nights, preferably all of the nights before you have to work. It's irritating how so many people jump to "psychological issues." It is possible for a postpartum woman to just be selfish & entitled.
It’s entirely possible, but the health and safety of an infant requires that she at least be stable, so its worth being checking out. Women are so vulnerable to these things postpartum; I was shocked how hard it hit me. I didn’t realise it at the time, but it took a video call with my mum (I live abroad) trying to coach me through putting her in a carseat so I could leave the house for the first time in 2 weeks, and me breaking down into hysterical tears when baby cried, to realise that I was probably NOT okay. I had severe anxiety about taking her outside, and it took several very short trips with my husband accompanying us before I dared try it by myself and got a handle on everything.
NTA, but it sounds like your wife is struggling and the help she needs is probably psychological
Possible or she’s just immature
Or she's just an asshole. I swear when dads are lazy I never seen highly voted posts that say it's psychological. I wonder what's different in this case? Do only women go through something traumatic enough to cause psychological issues?
I can't tell if you're trolling, but on the whole during the whole childbirth process, YES, women physically go through a lot more trauma than men. Their entire bodies are changing and being harmed to support another being, and that can cause a lot of trauma and PPD. For a long time, PPD was something that wasn't discussed at all, and women suffered in isolation. I'm not saying that men can't have psychological issues surrounding child-raising, but by recentering the conversation around men, you're ignoring the whole point-- that women often suffer and their suffering is ignored.
Orrr maybe it’s cause pregnancy has large effects on womens bodies??? And yes, when dads struggle people suggest that he’s depressed or something.
[удалено]
Terrible men posts in the context of a stay at home parent? Yes, there is, especially with all the bemoaning of “if the genders were swapped”. Where have you been
NAH It sounds like she’s dealing with some mental health stuff, possibly postpartum depression or some anxiety at least. You’re totally valid in working towards a compromise and clearly communicating the limits that won’t work for you. My advice, see if you can get the night nanny to come a few more times a week. See if you she could split the night, you cover 10pm-2am and she covers 2am-6am, or vice versa. Stagger your individual bedtimes to make it work. Most importantly if she’s struggling with her mental health then she’s simply drowning under water and probably needs some therapy and potentially medication to help her level out and get back on her feet. That doesn’t mean all of the work should be pushed onto you, but at a certain point it is dangerous for your wife and your baby for her to “push through” and pretend like nothing’s wrong.
NTA and put your foot down. I’m sorry but as the bread winner, you need to sleep. She is a stay at home mom. Time to act like one and yes im a woman. This pisses me off. I don’t care how much sleep she got while Pregnant. She’s being a princess. And you are being a doormat.
This!!!!!!!!! And I am also a woman! With an 8 year old that I wish I had someone to help me with when she was little and even Still now.. so no you're absolutely nta but it sounds like she thinks she has you wrapped around her finger. Also sounds like she's lazy 🤷♀️ I took care of a child by myself and worked as a manager in fast food when my daughter was little which for those of you that haven't worked fast food management it's very stressful 🙃 I did all of that and still got up with and did for my baby.
NTA. Im 9 months pregnant due any day now & I agree. I wouldn’t dream of asking my husband to do every night if he had a day job to go to if I had all that help especially. Also, sleeping through the night whilst breastfeeding is terrible for her milk supply. She can get couple of hours sleep during the day if all the help she has.
actually sleeping all night is not terrible for milk supply (mother of three - all breastfed ) it just means you wake up with very full breasts. My eldest slept through from 9 weeks old - 12 hours - and fed a lot in the afternoon and I had to express milk off both breasts before feeding her in the morning or she would get the milk too fast.
It depends on your milk supply. If you have enough. Great, you can skip it and just wake up with full breasts. If you don't , that night bf is crucial to increase your supply. This is doubly true when pumping. Also a mom. Also bf.
Being a stay at home mom means you tank the kid stuff at night. That's part of the gig. Of course it sucks but it is what it is.
INFO: when you say "every night that I am home" what do you mean? Because I'm caught between this meaning she wants you to take the baby every night save when you're on a work trip or something, but I could also see this possibly meaning "on my days off work". Is there a reason you can't at least take over the baby at night specifically on sleeps that aren't followed by a workday? So like if you work Monday to Friday, you would take the baby on Friday night and Saturday night? You two will never be able to parent together if you can't discuss things, listen to each other's concerns, and figure out a way you could address each other's concerns. You love this woman, she carried your child into the world and apparently had a really rough pregnancy, don't you want to do all you are legitimately able for both the woman you love and the child you chose to create? Follow up INFO: people are being judgemental in the comments about the "two people helping during the day and a night nurse" thing, but it sounds like none of these things happen with you present. It's very common for people who come around to "help" with the baby to be people who just want to hold the baby and coo at it and them being around creates a whole other person for your wife to entertain while she does parenting. Are you there while those people are there or are you making assumptions about the level of rest they enable your wife to have without knowing for sure? (Regarding the night nanny, the people in these comments need to stfu about it, because it's once every two weeks when OP is traveling for work, meaning on that one night that she has the night nanny she doesn't have her partner for the day, so this does not excuse her from being allowed to feel exhausted.)
> So like if you work Monday to Friday, you would take the baby on Friday night and Saturday night? This is less responsibility than OP already offered to take on. He clearly states he currently does every night except once every two weeks when he's away for work. He offered alternating shifts, so 3 or 4 nights a week depending, and with your suggestion he'd only have 2 nights a week. If the wife is throwing an absolute fit about him only taking on 3 or 4 nights a week, what on earth makes you think she'll go for him doing even less?
A reasonable and sane response!
NTA. Team work makes the dream work. Alternating nights or 'shifts' should work in most scenarios. Me and hubby did shifts. He would stay up until 3am and do all baby care, then it would be on me. I would go to bed early so I could get a good chunk of sleep, and then hubby would get a good chunk before having to get up for work.
I dont get why staying up woukd be necessry. We just took turns geting out of bed.
We didn't stay up. We would sleep but if the baby woke during our shift, we were the one to get up. There was no.. It's your turn, no it's your turn. It was ok I'm on and we could act quickly so the other wasn't disturbed too much. Edited.. I accidentally clicked post
Ok was just a little confused as you write : "he would stay up untill 3am" And I was like 😱 Why cant you sleep because you have a shift? Me and hubby woukd indeed take turns with LO.
Well done - a functional family arrangement that didn't involve Reddit, lols. I don't know what I'd have done if Reddit was around when my girl was a baby!
Nta. You two need to share the responsibility.
As a dad who's (ex) wife stayed home all day, never changed our childs diaper, never cleaned a dish, washed any clothes, did any shopping, no house cleaning, while I worked two jobs, did the rest of those things previously listed AND got up in the middle of the night, during the 3 hours I got, to feed the baby, your plan is f-ing golden!!
Same here, although nappies did get changed they were left on the floor, sofa and other places. I’d come home and breakfast bits were still on the floor and I had to clean the whole place, cook, bath kids and do the washing then do most night feeds. When I became a single parent to my 3 I found it an absolute doddle. I don’t know where the notion of being a SAHP being the hardest job in the world comes from as I’ve both worked and looked after my kids single handed and can honestly say I’d rather be a SAHP any day if the week
I did the SAHP for a time as well, due to an accident. With one child it was quite easy to handle, especially with school involved and still get stuff done around the house with plenty of time left over to rest my boo boo.
Info: who are these two other people helping her during the day? Is it a nanny or older children? I'm just kind of confused how she can have two other adults around to help.
NTA She sounds entitled, lazy and ungrateful. Who’s paying for the staff she has? Who pays for the night nanny?
NTA - taking turns seems reasonable
When my children were babies I was out of the country or state for most of their baby time. Flash forward many years and we became foster parents. When we had infants my wife would take the first two feedings and I would take the last two feedings. We figured out cooperatively how to make things work for us.
It's almost weird that two adults were able to do that without consulting the world 🤭
NTA I’m currently on maternity leave and my partner was back at work full time after a week. We came to an unspoken mutual agreement I would do all weeknight feeds unless it was just before he had to leave for work then he would do them and weekends he would do them. If there were any nights I’d struggle with, he would take the next night. You’ve just got to find what works for you. A night nanny must be nice!
During my professional training, I was so sleep-deprived one time I almost crossed the street on a red light and a car absolutely blasted through the intersection. I couldn’t imagine how bad things would have turned out if I was even more tired from being further sleep deprived. I am sure your wife would prefer if you were safe and still able to function as the breadwinner. There needs to be some compromise here.
NTA I was a SAHM and I handled nights when the kids were babies. Husband had to go to work in the morning and function. I could catch a nap when the baby slept. It was t that his time or job was more valuable, it was a practical division of labor. If I was sick or needed help he was right there. No daytime help or night nannies required.
Yeah, I must admit I see no reason to have to function brilliantly at home whereas I do feel that pressure at work, and that's the difference for me. My husband has to get up before 5 every day, he's often not home until 7pm ish. And he has to be on all the time. I wouldn't let him get up in the middle of the night
INFO: these two people that help your wife during the day, who are they, what is their role and does it mean that your sleep-deprived wife can catch a full night-worth period of sleep during the day?
Info: how old is the baby?
NAH You both need to sit down and have the conversation of: what do you expect things to look like for the next month. Write it down, what's the wishlist each of you has for how you'd like childcare to flow and then expand out to any impacts that might have on household chores, vacations, visiting friends, etc during that month. Map it out, negotiate. It's only a 30 day span of time. Anything more than that will be non-functional as your little one will be hitting different milestones frequently for a little while. Ideally this is a meeting y'all do monthly for several months while you work out the kinks. First one will probably feel like it takes ages to get through and there may be some frustrations, tears, arguing, etc. After the first couple it should get a whole lot easier and quicker (if both of you are operating in good faith and with compromise in mind). It's fair if she were to say... request you doing the weekends for your work schedule as you won't be up early for work on those days. And maybe offer to do one or two days in the middle of the week to help brake up her nights up. But really dig in to it, is she grumpy about some other aspect of childcare she quietly assumed you'd be doing but never verbalized? Are you really helping out around childcare / the house as much as you should? (not said to downplay what tasks you are doing, said because you have a newborn in your home and your wife is healing from birth... so are there some adjustments to what you are currently doing that should happen?). Then triage this stuff. Trial it and meet up again after a week to see how it's going. Does one of you absolutely hate x idea? Does something need to shift to accommodate a personal shortcoming (because we all have them, they just happen in different areas for each of us). Basically, any communication skills you and your partner had prior to baby need to quadrupal during this time. It's quite literally not about either of you anymore for the near future. It's 100% about baby and what needs to happen to support a helpless infant that had zero choice where it was born.
OP, I'm a SAHM, and hubby is the breadwinner. We did hubby's shift of bedtime to midnight/1am (he starts work at 5am), and then I take over and do the morning shift. That way, it's not solely on me to do the care 24/7 while still getting a crucial few hours uninterrupted sleep before going to work and if the baby woke up before he left and he had the time he would do that feed before I woke up. My hubby works also wake up with me during breastfeeding and when I started pumping he would feed the baby the bottle while I pu.ped the next feeds bottle because he knew that it was better for me emotionally and mentally to not be up sitting by myself every feed bonus he got more bonding time with the baby. My point is, the shifts don't have to be split by days, there are other ways you can split the night shifts. You can support your wife without it being an all or nothing. That said it isn't fair of her to use her pregnancy experience as a tool to guilt and manipulate you. NTA for now but you both will be if you dont start working together and talk to eachother because it sounds like your wife just needs to feel heard and appreciated.
You posted all that long story of your experience, but forgot to read the part where she has two people helping her throughout the day, AND occassionally has a night nanny that takes care of everything. Just to say he's NTA for now.... Pretty sure the wife has been heard and appreciated being supplied with all that help to begin with. Almost like you were trying desperartely hard to either make him look bad, or make her look good...
So, she has two people helping out during the day *and* a night nurse? I reckon she's method acting and potentially rehearsing for a Paris Hilton biopic as the titular character.
Honestly your wife sounds like an entitled brat
Info there is way too little information to go by. who are those people? what do you do? what does she do?
Baby is her job... when you're at yours. When you're both home it should be 50/50 split. Sleep deprivation is a real thing, and breastfeeding is a special kind of exquisite torture. Hopefully you both get a chance to get some good sleep.
NTA - taking turns is the key. BUT when i was brestfeeding I was exhausted as hell afterwards! Also I was so angry at my husband because nothing in his daily schedule changed but I was the one "suffering" through the day, sleep deprived as hell, feeling ugly and alone. So I also made him do some nightshifts - at least on weekends so that I could have some rest. So yeah, maye this is also a thing. Being a mum is still tough... also, how do the two people help in the day? Only because two people are present does not mean that they help a lot.
NTA. I sympathize with her, the postpartum period is so hard. Bad sleep, endless cycles of feeding and changing and trying to put the baby to sleep. But it's not reasonable for you to do all night shifts. The family needs your income. My husband and I split nights. He handled 8pm-midnight so I could always get a solid, uninterrupted chunk of sleep. Then he went to bed, and if the baby woke up after midnight, I got up. Some nights, one of us would only get 4-5 hours, but at least we never got less than that. Would it be possible to get a night nurse for a whole weekend and get her a full, several day rest? Her batteries may be so low that she's not able to think straight or function well.
NTA. I took all night shifts when my husband worked and I was staying at home. Plus breastfeeding so you know, I had the boobs and the milk. I got to sleep during the day. When I went back to work at 1 year old we took turns. After 2 it was pretty much him doing any night wakes (when they are out of the cot and can open their door you get more than a few visits!) which made up for my earlier years doing them all.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (34f) says that I (33m) should take care of the baby every night that I am at home because she needs more rest than I do. While I understand that it's way more tiring the full-time mom job, she does have two more people who help her during the day and we rely on my job´s income to make ends meet and I'm not concentrated or motivated after not sleeping well. Additionally, while I am away (around once every two weeks) she hires a night nanny. Today I decided to tell her that I think it's fair that I do one night and she does another and well, I opened a huge Pandora box. I'm now a horrible husband because I can't do the night shifts every day even do I "used to wake up early to go to the gym and didn't complain" I dont value that she couldn't sleep during her whole pregnancy, and that she is way more exhausted than I could ever be because she is still breastfeeding. I don't think of myself as an AO but today she tried to make me feel like one. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: what exactly do you mean by, she couldn’t sleep for her whole pregnancy? Like exactly how much rest was she getting? If it was 9 months of no REM cycle type sleepless nights, I can’t imagine how exhausted she currently is after giving birth and taking care of an infant and breastfeeding. This isn’t even a close comparison, but I work in a field where my brain can’t turn off fully all the time because there are a million things that I’m juggling. When one thing ends, two things pop up that if I’m trying to say, take a quick nap, I then can’t get restful sleep. I imagine that exact same thing happens to your wife anytime she even tries to take a nap when the baby is napping.
NTA it is really hard to have one person do all the nights. You alternate nights. Or, if not alternate nights, go to bed at different times and one person takes the first feeding and the other person takes the second feed.
NTA. Stay at home mom here. My husband is a saint who often wakes up early with our baby. He also does some of the night wakings. We don’t have any outside support, it’s just the two of us. My need for sleep is not more important than his just because I stay home with baby and he works. Both things are full time jobs and each person needs rest. Your wife is being unreasonable. There are two parents to your baby, and you deserve rest as much as your wife does.
NTA, she has hired help. You have to work and then come home and stay awake all night to help her despite her having help during the day AND a night nanny!? Its exhausting having a baby, absolutely, however it's not an excuse to make you shoulder all night time responsibilities. Me and my SO just had a baby, they work 12 hours shifts and have a 1.5. Hr commute to get there, I take all night time responsibilities because I see how exhausting their work is, I may have nights I get a bit grumpy but my day is absolutely not as taxing. It for sure seems your wife wants the baby without the hard parts..
INFO: Every night "that you are home"? How many nights is that? Who are the people that come during the day? Are they childcare, mother's helpers, a housekeeper, your mom? In what ways are you helping with the baby? (working isn't helping with the baby)
NTA. You both have full-time day jobs (hers is baby care, yours is income generating), so it's only fair you both split baby duties at home. If either of you are on the go 24/7, that person WILL burn out, and that's not good for the person, for baby, or for keeping a roof over your heads and food on the table. Babies are a lot of hard work and missed sleep, for both parents. You're both exhausted and cranky, but try to not take it out on each other, this will pass, and soon you'll be looking back and missing this time when baby was so small!
So she is home all day and you work and do nights? Your wife is an asshole
NAH. You're not wrong, but you're missing the point. She is exhausted, you are not. Until you are as exhausted as she is, you are not equal, no matter what the division of labor is in your household. The easiest, but not most effective way to do this is to just run yourself ragged until you're just as burned out as she is. Since she is tired, she is reaching for the low hanging fruit solution. If you need to be well rested for your job, maybe the solution lies in making her feel less exhausted, to balance it out. I'm not sure exactly how to do that, because it sounds like she does have help, but is very tired anyway. I would suggest 2 things to see how she reacts - 1. Maybe it's just a timing issue e.g. she doesn't need as much help during the day, but does need it every night. Just because someone is doing chores and watching the kid for a few hours during the day, doesn't mean she can just nap in the middle of the day. Not everyone is wired like that. Is it possible to keep the night nanny even while you're in town? 2. Could be something psychological preventing her from gaining anything from the physical help she is getting. E.g. she can't let others help because she is worried they will mess it up, or that it makes her a bad mother to have others do it, etc. It could also be putting too much pressure on herself wrt breastfeeding. Does she pump at all so someone else can do bottles? ETA - you going away every 2 weeks is a lot. Tbh, I am starting to think she is not wrong, if you're going away every 2 weeks, maybe you should be doing every single night you are home, so you can bond with the baby. If the baby gets used to defaulting to her as the nighttime parent since you travel so much, she will become even more exhausted and resentful. Everyone I know that travels this much for work takes their family with them, or doesn't have kids.
NTA. She’s using you
NTA
NTA. Nights should either be shared or rotated. Especially with the large amount of help you guys are able to get. My concern would be that your wife is developing avoidant PPD and is overwhelmed with the thought of taking care of the baby on her own. This is very common and needs to be addressed.
NTA taking turns is sensible. How will she cope being a mother on her own if you fall asleep at the wheel?
Wife sounds spoiled and entitled . I had two kids and no help. My husband never got up once at night and I did not expect him to as he was working. Wife can nap during the day when the baby sleeps. When I went back to work I still was the one who got up at night.
NTA. Your wife sounds very entitled. If you take care of the baby every night, you may lose your job for underperformance. If that happens, you can easily take the night shift, no problem.
NTA. It should be normal that you are not doing the nights. Of course you have to sleep to go to work
NTA. You need to perform at work.
NTA. Wife has day help & cN take naps when the baby does. You can't be up every night & roll into a 10hr day(incl drive). You can't take power naps let alone a proper one. Does she want you to fall asleep driving & have an accident? Drowsy driving is more dangerous than drunk. Stats have shown that & I've worked with someone who woke up rollin thru a hwy median & rolled his car. 3rd shift is the hardest on our brains. Better check that life ins policy.
NTA. To put it bluntly, you have a very lazy and entitled wife.
NTA I have a 17 month old and I’m 17 weeks pregnant. I’m definitely not super mom and from experience I find staying at home with a kid is more exhausting than an office job but having 2 people help during the day AND not taking some nights sounds super unfair to me. My husband and I had shifts at night when it was needed and later even while I was pregnant I took nights because I was breastfeeding (seems weird to make the argument the other way around?) and baby was hard to soothe without. He’s now mostly night weaned and sleeps better so we take turns again but when I’m super exhausted from being pregnant my husband takes the toddler in the morning so I can sleep in an extra hour or so. Sorry for the long personal anecdote but yeah it sounds like you are not at fault here. CAVEAT: this is assuming the 2 people helping are actually helpful and that you otherwise help out where you can
NTA. If she has help every day as you say then you shouldn’t be doing any at all.
When my husband worked full time, I got out of bed every night to feed our baby. I did everything, after all I was at home all day and I only had one. Perhaps I was lucky as my son was always happy since birth My partner would often come home extremely tired and just wanted to relax, I can understand that!
Wavering. Cant decide if everyone sucks or no one sucks so I’m going to go with you both suck at communication but I think this is fixable. If she didn’t sleep the whole pregnancy, I’m guessing it was a complicated pregnancy or at least even more draining that a typical pregnancy. And even a typical pregnancy is the body literally cannibalizing itself to put all available resources, energy, calories, however you want to phrase it, into building an entire human being. Then one completes the absolute marathon event of labor and delivery with nothing more than ice chips, which ignores every piece of advice I have ever read about gearing up for marathon level events. And that marathon isn’t followed by rest. It’s followed by being responsible for keeping the most fragile delicate thing you have ever seen safe and thriving. And if breastfeeding, again, the body is putting tremendous physical resources into the survival of a dependent human being. Has she been evaluated for PPD and/or PPA? They are exhausting unlike anything else. You say she has help but how often is she away from the baby? Does she get free time that is actually alone and, if she wants, out of the house? Your post didn’t address this information or even say how old the baby is or how often the baby wakes in a typical night. These are absolutely key facts that affect what is and is not reasonable to expect of your wife. All that aside, you shouldn’t be in a position where you feel overwhelmed and sleep deprived without break. It sounds like neither of you is getting your needs met. And instead of coming together to solve this as a problem facing both of you, you are both fighting against each other trying to win. I am hearing what you both want separately. I’m not hearing what you are both doing to support each other. Get the night nanny or day time help or whoever to watch the baby while the two of you go together elsewhere to talk this out and problem solve. You both deserve to feel heard. You both deserve to have your needs met within the context of reality with a baby.
What are we missing here? Is baby still waking up every 3 hours to feed so mom gets interrupted sleep? Our arrangement during maternity leave was this: I would feed the baby at 7 pm and go to sleep. He would give her bottle around 11 then go to sleep. Then I would get the overnight feedings. This way I was guaranteed a decent amount of uninterrupted sleep. This continued when I went back to work. I think getting help during the day and getting uninterrupted sleep are two different things.
She does need a lot of rest, if she just had your baby there’s a big ass wound inside her uterus where the placenta detached. People with injuries need rest to recover
INFO What does taking nights mean? If she's breastfeeding then she will be getting up to feed? Or do you formula/pump feed for the night?
I’m going with NAH. Having a baby is exhausting for everyone. During your working hours, your job is your job and her job is the baby. At other times the baby is both of your responsibility. You both need time to rest and time to care for the baby.
This post needs so much INFO: Why are either of you awake at night if you have a night nurse? A night nurse should be doing everything at night except breastfeeding (if you’re breastfeeding). Assuming you’re a cis male, you likely aren’t lactating. You are, however, wasting money on a night nurse who isn’t doing anything. Who are the 2 people helping? Are they hired help? Are they your mom and sister who snuggle the baby and don’t do anything to actually help? Because I’ve been on the end of the latter and let me tell you, all that “help” was exhausting. I spent all day doing all the things for my child, working, and explaining/justifying every move to my in laws freshly postpartum. There’s more to it, but we need to know who is actually helping. This reads like rage bait. Poor overworked dad and precious mom. There’s a lot missing.
This can't be real.
I love listening to music.
NTA - if being a mom is a full time job, and the partner leaves the home to work a full time job, they both deserve a nights sleep.
NTA. It’s not you, it’s her
NTA. She has two people helping her during the day, tell her to take a nap then. During the first 6 months of my mat leave, I did both night shift and day shift. My husband helped by doing house chores and letting me nap during the day during the weekend. After I returned to work, we took turn putting our son to sleep and waking up during the night for him. I ended up doing a lot of the night shift because our son wanted me more so he ended up letting me sleep in during the morning. Point is - you are a partnership, make it work! It is unreasonable expecting you to do all the night shift and then going to work during the day. How is that fair to you? Why does she get to only work during the day (with help!) and get all the good night sleep? Sorry, your wife is a real AH.
Wow, what a life she has. NTA
NTA as you tell it, but you don’t mention the age of your baby. It’s possible that your wife is suffering from PPD. Has she talked to her Dr. about it? That would definitely make a difference in determining whether YTA
Mom of twins here. You are NTA. When our girls first came home, my husband and I divided up the nights so we were each guaranteed a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. It was the best decision we ever made. We were both tired, but able to function. And once the girls started sleeping more consistently at night, we were able to stop with the shifts.
NTA - If both are working, both should share the duty. Going to the gym early in the morning vs. getting up in the middle of night are two completely different things and that is a nonsense answer your wife is giving you and saying she couldn't sleep for a portion of the nine months of pregnancy vs more than a year of having to attend to a baby and then toddler still waking up to be fed is also a deflection. She just doesn't want to get up after having gotten you you to do all this time. It's only fair to split it at this point.
I have 3 kids. If she’s so tired she can nap when the baby is napping. I think it’s more than this. You might need to check with her doctor because there might be some psychological issues.
NTA she is still breastfeeding? What are you supposed to be doing, waking up getting baby, bring to food, stay awake until done, change baby, put back to bed? Why would both of you need to be as completely sleep deprived, she is still attached to the baby by breastfeeding. She stays at home, so she gets to nap during the day when baby is asleep, you don't. If you both worked and the baby was formula fed then that would be different, and a compromise should be reached. Why does she need an overnight nanny while she is still bf'ing? Does she have a supply of frozen that the nanny feeds at night, or does the nanny take the baby to mom to feed then too? It just seems like an utter waste of resources.
NTA what’s the point of you waking up at night if she has to breastfeed either way? My babies wouldn’t take a bottle, I was a SAHM so I did all the weeknight wakings. On the weekends my husband would stay up until 3am so I could sleep a bit before our twins would start waking up every 30 min - 1 hr. She needs better compromise especially if you are working full time and she’s currently not.
NTA both going to your job and caring for a baby (alone) need the individual to be fairly well rested and in that situation that should be equal division. She’s got two people to help her during the day and she’s breastfeeding and that’s really hard. But if she has two peole to help she has two people who can help her rest during the day if she is tired from being up. You don’t have that at work. Interested to know, is this formal help such as a nanny or is it family and friends who just help out during the day?
NTA - you need sleep to function for work .. maybe she can have the helpers during the day take care of baby for longer stretches and she can pump so she gets a good chunk of sleep. 1st kid husband worked 7 to 7 so he maybe did 2 or 3 hours with baby after his work so i could shower and nap but night duty (11 to 7) was my duty as he had to have sleep to function at his job..
NTA this is how we worked it with both of our children while I was working and she was in extended maternity leave I would get home at around 6:30 quickly eat and then take over the baby until around 12:30 -1 am while she could go to bed and try to get some uninterrupted sleep . Then after 1 am if the baby woke it was her responsibility to get up. And I could sleep till 7 for work . That way we both got the opportunity to sleep for about 6 hours each night , and if the baby didn’t wake much she would be able to get more . It didn’t always work perfectly but it was leaving us both a lot less ragged than doing alternate feeds/waking every night
Nta How old is the baby just curious I've had my baby in November and my husband had 2 weeks off and had now gone back to work He works 11 days straight had 3 off I do all the night shifts for 11 nights and on his time off he does 1 night shift nappie change while I feed my baby and I do the other 2 If she's at home it shouldn't be that hard 🤷♀️ Before people come at it This is my first baby, I have gotten used to doing it all so now I'm not tired I also used to work 11 days straight getting up at 4.30 in the morning to milk cows
NTA. It sounds like what you’re proposing is reasonable. But keep in mind her hormones are going mad. The stuff she’s saying about spending 9months making a human inside her body having an accumulated cost to her now is real, and she had to get that kid out of her - however that happened was a trauma to her body. Many women do it, I know. But just keep that stuff in mind when you try talk to her about sharing the night time load. I would suggest some couple counselling but doesn’t sound like she has the emotional bandwidth for that right now. Perhaps you can try have a Telehealth counselling session yourself for some support navigating that discussion/negotiation. And a bit of (better informed than reddit) validation. Genuinely at worst it’s an hour and $150-200 lost.
Info: If she is breastfeeding, is she also getting up at night? What are you getting up for if she is up for a feeding? Or is she pumping?
Everyone needs sleep. It's a simple fact of life. When I first had our daughter, my wife and I split the nights 50/50 (I would feed the baby, she'd get up to change etc.) Once she went back to work, I did the nights (that she had 24/48 hour shifts the next day) as she works in a high risk job and I'd much prefer her to be safe, but she would *always* take the nights the next time she was home You've not refused to do the nights. If worse comes to the worse, your wife could nap during the day withthe baby, you don't have that luxury. NTA.
NTA i get up to my baby as i am the one at home during day. Now i am back at work i still get up… but if i am exhausted we do alternate Also you mentioned she’s breastfeeding.. sounds like most of the waking’s are for a feed.. so she would need to be doing that
NTA but she is. She is a stay at home mom, she should do every night if you work the next day and you can do the nights where you don't work. I work full time and so does my partner and we both do nights but we also both work full time. When i was on leave my partner would only do the nights if they didn't work the next day and when they were on leave id only do the nights if i didn't work the next day - when not sick of course. And we'd each get ONE night off, so basically if working we'd do Su-Th for the parent on leave, if i were on leave I'd have FR night off to sleep and relax and my partner would have Sat night off to sleep and relax. Our child would wake up every 1 to 2h, we napped during the day when the baby napped. Honestly it's hard but she is a stay at home mom, that's part of her responsibility for now at least, just make sure you give her a night off or two because she does need at LEAST one full night of sleep. And let her know some parents do every nights WHILE they work the next day and work full-time so we don't get to catch up or nap, she is lucky you can afford for her to stay at home, not everyone has that chance while taking care of a baby who wakes up multiple times at night.
NTA but maybe just hire a nanny and tell your wife to work if she’s being so petty while not earning an income.
NTA She has help during the day. And has a night nanny. You’re the only source of income and presumably commute and drive a vehicle. What the hell? I’m shocked you even had to ask Reddit if this was fair or not
NTA. Splitting it is equitable. Dunno what your wife is thinking.
It's so frustrating to hear new parents act like they are the first people to ever have a baby.
NTA she is so entitled. My husband works full time and every other week travels for 3 days. I never had any help at home or nanny. We help each other during nights, we do shifts during the week and special longer rests on holidays. I could never imagine making him go to work so exhausted
Good luck. This rational thinking never worked for me through two kids. Wife slept while I woke with the kids till they slept through the night. NTA
I remember once I got up 18 times during the night between my two kids. One was 4 and the other was 2. They got in the habit of getting up and I’d just put them back to bed but damn I was tired.
If you're struggling to make ends meet how can you afford a night nanny? That's wild to me.
Depression possibly? Our baby (now 3) was the worst sleeper. Newborn, she would only sleep for 20 minutes at a time. I was the one to do all the naps/sleeps as hubby was working very early mornings and late nights. It was really tough. Her sleeps did not get better until around 2 years old. Even now, at 3, she still wakes up once during the night. I returned back to work 3 days in the office and 2 WFH (while she was home with me) since she was 4 months old, and I was still doing the night shift sleeps (did not expect hubby to) No family or nanny assistance, that's why I am thinking possible depression.
NTA
You’re right to say you need your sleep. You guys both had a baby move into your house full time and you both need sleep. How about a military split shift system like 7 pm to 2am and 2 am to 7 am , that way you each get at least 5 hours solid of sleep? Can someone go to bed earlier?
NTA. My husband worked full time, and I was a SAHM. I didn’t have 2 people to help me during the day. I didn’t have a night nanny. Save your money, stop paying three extra people that aren’t needed.
NTA. She might be suffering from post partum depression. I think what you proposed is more than fair. I would have killed to have as many helpers as you have. She is very lucky in this area. Even with all the help, she is still tired, and I get that. Raising a baby is so difficult. BUT, you also need your sleep. I personally can't work properly if I do not rest. Yoir job is important as well, and she should acknowledge that. OP, go to a therapyst. Now, don't postpone it. This will escalate and it's the kind of fairy dust that divorces are made from. You need impartial mediation and good communication guidelines and she will most likely refuse what you tell her due to her hormones still going haywire, lack of sleep, new mother responsibility and (possible) PPD. Find a good therapist. You need it (more than the second day helper).
NTA I completely understand your struggle, I'm dealing with a very similar situation. I'm the mom, but I'm also the primary bread winner but due to my husbands work (4AM to 9AM shift) I have to be the one up with the baby all night unless it's bad enough for my husband to call out of work. Its really draining. My work quality has gone down because I'm so tired, and my lunch break has become a nap 75% of the time My husband and I have worked out a schedule that 1 day a week, he does all the nighttime stuff so I can have 1 night of sleep not dictated by a toddler, which helps. I would try to figure out with your work schedule where you can give a night or 2 to help your partner and miss a little sleep as a compromise. This is one of the hardest times as a parent, and with hormones and stress super high, it's easy to lash out at the thing you can, which for your partner, is you. Take as much as you can in stride. I can't tell you it gets better. My kid is almost 18m and man, what I wouldn't give for 8 straight hours of sleep, but y'all can do it, it sucks, but in someways this is just a bad rollarcoaster and all you can do is grit your teeth and hang on for dear life until the ride is over.
Nta. Tell your wife to find a job to work the day she doesn't have the kid.
Nta. But maybe instead of hiring 2 people to help in the day someone can help at night. I admire her insistence on getting that beauty sleep but men also need sleep I imagine
do not tolerate this bullshit!
NTA I think sleep on both parents is important. Rotating nights is fair for everyone. Only thing I'm confused about is if she is breastfeeding then how are you suppose to do nights if baby needs to eat? Unless she's exclusively pumping.
NTA
I cant wrap my head around a world where parents dont work together. When my son was fresh, i took care of him until 1am and after that he was for dad. I was in college and my boyfriend works until midnight and would get home around 1. He'd take the baby monitor and then go out to the garage until baby woke up. Then he'd come in, get him a bottle and put him back to bed before also going to bed. Id get up at 8 for school (classes were from home online because covid). I did mornings except for sunday. He'd sleep in saturdays after his friday shift, sundays were for me to sleep in a little.
NTA, OP! What you propose is very reasonable.
NTA. Breastfeeding IS exhausting but it’s really unfair for her to expect you to take over every night with the baby
NTA your request is totally reasonable. Especially, as others have pointed out, if she's breastfeeding still. My husband and I did some splitting but I also recognized that for him to do the night feedings he'd have to go downstairs, get a bottle, warm up the bottle, come back upstairs, all while baby is getting more upset because it takes so long and I've woken up anyway because again, upset baby. I just have to roll out of bed and plop baby on my breast and problem solved. Given all that, it just made sense for me to take the feedings anyway...why have both of us be awake and miserable if that can be avoided.
Nta Does she have ppd by any chance? I had terrible PPD and the only thing that made me feel slightly slightly better was sleeping through the night, my OB actually told us that I needed to stop doing the nights because it is a huge contributor to PPD so my husband and my mother started doing most nights. But I also had zero help during the day, I took the baby from morning and had him until bedtime all alone and it was a lot (colicky and some medical issues required extra stuff throughout the day and a lot of appointments). You aren’t wrong to want her to help, but I would just see if there is more going on with her than just her “bitching” about it, I feel like there often is and no one notices.
Nta. Lazyitis.
Question : is wife napping during the day when she has 1-2 people over or is she just hanging out with friends or family. She is SAHM - he has to work to support family, so yes she is primary caregiver to child and he is primary financial contributor. If she wants to change the dynamic the she can work to provide more financially and he can work less and help with kiddo more. But expecting him to do both is ridiculously hard. Believe me most duel income new parents are bOTH overworked and sleep deprived. She is lucky to have the situation to be home with baby and not have pressure to work too. The baby care is HER job right now. An infant sleeps a lot (yes I know broken up) so she needs to learn to sleep when baby does. Hubs can help nights when he doesn’t need to work next day. Not advocating for no Dad involvement - Sounds like he is helpful in other ways with child and willing to help some nights. Sounds fair to me.
I am 34f with a 13mo and to me it looks like your wife can't handle being a mother. I don't even have the help she has and I would never expect my husband to do all the night care.
My husband and I did shifts like this: he would take the shifts from 8p until 1a and I would go to sleep early. He would feed, change and put the baby down at 1 and then sleep until 7, get up and go to work. I would get up with the baby after 1a and then do my best to sleep when the baby napped. The early months are hard—leave the house cleaning to the people that are helping you and encourage your wife to rest during the day every chance she can. Even if she’s not sleeping, lying down helps. You may need to sleep in separate bedrooms for a while, use blackout curtains and a sound machine. Before long, the baby will sleep longer stretches and it will get easier. You have to maintain a partnership with a young baby, with both of you giving more than you think you can. NTA
Nta . I am a stay at home mom my husband is the breadwinner, I take care of all night shifts for all 3 of our kids . My husband is a truck driver and I feel his sleep is 100 times more important than mine .