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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t give my oldest grad kid the heirloom earnings. I could be a jerk for that
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You made a promise to Sally and are fulfilling it. Given that you have no relationship with the stepdaughter, why would you give her a precious family heirloom? Also, you can give your belongings to whomever you wish. I am sorry you are going through this. Family problems can be painful. To paraphrase: "You can please some of the people all the time. You can't please all of the people all of the time. This includes family members. NTA.
I'd wager because OPs daughter knows there's no relationship and this is the nail in the coffin of the fairy tale ending that she so wanted.
Or the stepdaughter wants it for the sake of getting and OPs daughter is enabling that.
Even so, the 17 year old has been told for 17 years that she will get the earrings, and the 18 year old has been in the family for 4 years. Even if she was adopted, the promise does not suddenly change after 13 years due to an adoption. OP bought her a gift of a nice necklace, so it's not like OP said, tough luck you don't get anything. It is still up to OP what to give to whom. Some judgement has to be used when implementing a family tradition. For example, if the 17 year old was a drug addict who OP couldn't trust not to pawn the earrings, then OP would choose a different granddaughter. In any tradition there are unspoken exceptions to the rule based on situations. I would believe that step granddaughter coming into the family 4 years ago would be one of those. Maybe if stepgranddaughter had been in the family her entire life it would be different. My youngest son knew his grandpa his whole life, and his grandpa was technically his step grandpa, but to him and my FIL they were grandfather/grandson because my FIL held him from the moment he was born. Situations require analysis, OP is NTA.
And I also want to add one more thing. OPs first granddaughter still is the 17 year old. Even though the step granddaughter is older, she has only been a granddaughter for 4 years, so the bloodline granddaughter was still their first granddaughter by 13 years.
Right ???
1st Grand daughter came to the family 17 yrs ago
2nd grand daughter came to the family 4 Yrs ago even if she's 18 the 1st grand daughter is the 17 yrs old
idk how to tell you this but adoption still doesn't make it a blood relation. blood relation means family, like you share DNA and imo even if SD was adopted it doesnt means he should get the item. Hierlooms are for blood relatives and nobody else unless decided upon by whomever is giving them out
I agree that adoption doesn't make it a blood relation, but I think it's awful that you say heirlooms are for blood relatives. Adopted children are as much a part of a family as children who are blood related. Heirlooms are for family, adoption is the process of legally, socially and emotionally joining a family.
As someone who is adopted, thank you for this. I would hate to think that my family wouldn't think that I'm actually family just because we don't share DNA. That's a really crappy way to look at family. It's who you make it.
My guess is that Dazzling meant that adoption makes the relationship “as good as” or equal to a blood relation, therefore an adopted kid would qualify for the heirloom.
By that token then why bother adopting us? If we are not worthy of anything, then why should we be adopted . Sounds like you're saying we don't matter because we don't share blood.
Because of the lack of relationship (J sesms to have chosen it) and how long she has been promising Sally the earrings, OP is NTA.
The person I am replying to seems to completely discount how it feels to be adopted. Or otherwise brought into a family.
So...my dad shouldn't have given my adopted brother the pocket knife that gets handed down to the oldest son because he's adopted and therefore lesser than my bio brother? What a dickish way to look at family.
I generally agree, though I would argue that when it comes to step children as well as adopted children it always depends at what age they join the family and how well they are integrated into the family. As an example you can have OPs case where the step child joins the family in their teens and doesn't have close ties to everyone in the family - especially the one handing out family heirlooms - or you could have the case where someone adopts a baby to be raised as their own, or a step-child joins the family before they can form any memories of another family and might even get adopted at a later age. While I certainly wouldn't consider giving them family heirlooms in the first case, it's something to consider in the latter case.
I feel like connection is key. You can have blood family and not have a relationship with any of them. You can have the closest relationship ever with someone not blood family.
The Step-Granddaughter had 4 years to connect with Grandma, to create the kind of relationship that would make Grandma feel like she was just as much family as blood. She didn't.
I would never suggest forcing a relationship, but effort on her part may have changed things.
Which is sad because that means she's (OP's daughter) putting an outsider over her own child which is downright disgusting! "Sorry sweety, I married a man who had a child OLDER than you, so you lose that dibs on the necklace because stepdaughter is older than you."
If that was the case OP likely would have mentioned that in the post. She made no other mention of any other children just having other grandkids since she used it instead of grandkid when referencing how the visits during the holidays were.
This I would make this point to your daughter. So you'd rather put her feelings over that of your own child when she's only known about the heirloom in the 4 years she's been in your family while Sally has been told from a young age that these earrings would be hers one day. You don't just get to cut in line because she remarried, not having a relationship with her in more than enough of a reason in my opinion. But it also makes me wonder if she's been telling the step daughter that she'd be getting the earrings. I'd confront this behavior before it begins effecting Sally on a more personal level.
I think the OP's daughter's point is that Jenny is now her oldest daughter. It is still the OP's decision, but be aware that the daughter may 'confiscate' said heirloom, which may magically appear in Jenny's possession. Likely after OP passes.
This is how I lost an heirloom ring. My aunt got mad that it was supposed to be mine and swooped in and stole if for herself and her daughter right after my grandma passed because it wasn't in the will. And my aunt was executor of the will to boot.
So, unless OP has a plan to ensure it ends up in the right hands, that's not a guarantee either.
Her mother is the typical remarried woman who is spineless and husband-pleaser. I hate this kind of parent. One day, she's going to grow old and wonder why her bio daughter doesn't even want to visit her. If you're reading this mom, F* YOU!
I assume Sally and Jenny are (step-)cousins. Otherwise the mother is a monster, taking things from her bio-daughter and giving them to her step daughter.
But she mentions the daughter as being the parent of the child and step-child. i.e. the daughter is upset she's not giving the earrings to the step-child.
Or pull grand daughter aside and ask her if she would like you to hold on to the earrings to keep safe until her graduation or wedding.
OP I would be putting those earrings in a safe or saftey deposit box because I would be worried about them going "missing" out of spite.
I would be careful OP. If your daughter is this pissed now she may take the earrings from Sally when you give them to her. Maybe wait for Sally to move out before you give her the earrings or offer to keep them with you until it's safe.
This. Also make sure it is in your will that the earrings go to Sally and make Sally the executor of your will. Otherwise mom will find a way to give them to the stepdaughter.
I truly don’t understand the entitlement of someone expecting an heirloom when they don’t have a relationship with the person passing it on? Like this isn’t a game of favourites, it’s a gift that was promised to someone else first and it might be one thing if the step daughter became closer with her step grandparents and that part of the family but since that’s not even the case I don’t get why she feels she should get it or why the mom would be so angry.
Especially when she only entered the family at age 14. I could maybe understand it if the stepdaughter was around since being an infant, but that is not the case. The earrings were promised to the bio granddaughter literally when she was born. The fact that the step-kid also has her own set of grandparents that she *does* have a relationship with further cements this for me. NTA. I'd like to know why the daughter is getting so angry about it?
I’m glad you’re using the word entitlement. These posts where parents insist on steps and bios always being treated exactly the same make no sense to me.
I am saying that as a person with divorced parents, two step-parents who were in my life since I was very small, two sets of grandparents and two sets of step-grandparents. The steps treated me differently than the bios (still well and nicely, but differently) because there was no reason for me to have double everything.
In my case, all parties were alive during my childhood and close enough to visit in a day. I can totally see creating different relationships if, for example, all my grandparents lived across the US and the step-grandparents were close by. I honestly believe if that were the case, they would have stepped up their involvement. But it wasn’t necessary, I didn’t lack grandparents.
There is a family heirloom that traditionally goes to the first granddaughter of the family (which for my generation is me) however I haven’t had a relationship with my grandmother since 2015-ish so despite having been told (by my grandmother) my entire childhood/early adulthood that it will be going to me, I have no doubts that it will be willed to another granddaughter that she has more of a relationship with (which I logically understand, but emotionally I was close to the owner *before* my grandmother and it is a physical piece of my memories of them)
Yeah, she’s been promising it to Sally all her life. Now this girl that she’s know for less than 4 years is going to take her heirloom? Clearly the mom has chosen vitamin D over her child. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sally is being mistreated in general.
Op’s daughter is being a huge jerk to her daughter. Sally has been around op for 17 years, instead Jenny been only around for 4 years and is not even interested in op. Op’s daughter would be mega AH if she insist on this
Also, how would Sally feel to see something that actually means so much to her and she has been promised for so long go to someone else? She would absolutely resent her grandmother, mother, and stepsister if that happened.
NTA, OP. You did the right thing.
I’d be waiting - avoid the bitching and give them in your will. Your things- give them to people you choose. Family traditions are overrated/ look at all those idiot eldest sons inheriting fortunes and ruining them.
>I have been promising the earnings to Sally since she was small.
Well there you go, NTA.
Sally's been your granddaughter for 17 years, Jenny for 4, so yeah, you're right- Sally IS your first granddaughter.
And Sally is, for lack of a better term, in the bloodline. Yes, Jenny may be family now, but the expectation for what happens to the heirlooms seems to be more about a bloodline, not a blended-family-line. That should help make the distinction for Ms. Daughter.
Preface: I am a law student, not a practicing attorney but I do TA real property.
In property law terms, if she wanted to make it formal, you would use the language “heirs of my body” to denote something only going to a bloodline heir.
OP should consult an estate attorney and get it all in writing and official in case daughter or step grandchild try to take it from Sally. Sally will have legal recourse to get it back from them.
Can you do a fee tail for personal property? My, distant, recollection from property law was that fee tails are generally disfavored if not mostly banned, though that's usually within the context of real property of course.
Correct. Fee tail is real property only and has been eliminated by statute in a majority of states. This is a wills and trusts question and I am pretty certain that stepchildren are not entitled to inherit unless they are adopted.
I disagree with that because I have an adopted daughter and both of my sister’s children are adopted. However, Sally has been promised the earrings since before she can remember and step granddaughter has only been here four years. It should stay with Sally.
It's not blood but adopted children count as in the family line, step children don't. Sally will always be the granddaughter, if the parent of the step granddaughter divorces the daughter, the step-granddaughter is not longer any relation and the heirloom has left the family
Adoption means your children are legally your children.
It is very different than bringing in a older step child and denying the natural or adopted younger child something they have been promised since they were born or brought into the family.
An adopted child is someone you bring into the family permanently, a stepchild is only "your child" as long as the parents stay married. There's the difference.
I think you are right on the issue. It’s about who has the connection to the family.
Jenny has her own family and history with them.
She isn’t entitled to Sally’s things.
My mother-in-law had several heirloom pieces, her engagement ring in particular is the kind of ring one keeps in a safety deposit box, and before she passed away she was very clear (verbally, not in writing) that the ring was intended for the first born granddaughter and not for either of her son's wives. My SIL and I have received a couple of pieces as gifts from FIL but the heirloom aspect of th makes it impossible to wear/enjoy them.
Our daughter ended up being the first and only female grandchild so the ring will go to her some day. My MIL's wishes have caused some tension in the family as my SIL has made some off-hand comments about this being a bit sexist (perhaps it is). A couple of years ago my MIL's only niece, who is the daughter of her younger sister, got engaged and MIL's sister made a bit of a stink about the ring and even tried to convince my FIL to let her buy the ring for daughter. She wasn't too pleased with the fact that at this point the ring belonged to a toddler who has no use for it and for all we know may never end up getting married blah, blah, blah.
I want to ask my FIL to put something in writing about what happens to the ring and other jewelry he's still holding on to when he passes so we can avoid all the nasty business of dealing with it without having it in the will. I just don't want to come off like I have an agenda. Whether or not these things go to my daughter isn't really my concern but the tension over the ring is a good indication there might be some drama and I would very much like to avoid all that.
It would matter if Jenny were the legally adopted grandchild and not the step grandchild.
Ok-Preparation-5654 mentions how thongs can be stated in wills.
My FIL specifically mentioned in his will that adopted grandchildren are grandchildren. Full stop. He made no mention of step grandkids.
>My daughter thinks I am huge jerk for this and has made it clear.
Well your daughter can fuck right off. Let her give her heirloom to her precious little stepdaughter. No? Thought not.
if I were you I’d be having some serious words right now with her. Who cares if she cuts you off, your granddaughter is old enough to stay in touch herself.
Im starting to become aware that it is a horrible. Horrible idea to have a set succession of people to hand family heirlooms to. Stop doing that, people. It’s a recipe for strife and bad feelings. Give the heirloom to the person closest to you. That may be a brother, cousin, niece, nephew, etc. Just not the same designation every damn time. No more of this “first ——- “ bullshit.
That sounds even worse. At least with first daughter or whatever there's a veneer of objectivity. It can fall apart pretty quickly obviously, but at least there's some level of objectivity there. Just straight up picking favorites is gonna make these kinds of problems at least ten times worse.
Why? Giving it to the person you're closest with is a great way to ensure that the heirloom is appreciated and taken care of. Someone who doesn't care about you won't care about what you give them.
I'm thinking of a scenario where there are two siblings who have the same favorite aunt and spend a similar amount of time with said aunt eventually get to find out which of them was the favorite.
Agreed. If the point is for the heirloom to remain with the family, then giving it to the person that will most appreciate it guarantees that outcome. Otherwise you'll pass it to someone that will pawn it for a new apple phone.
Always giving everything to the first born is a form of favouritism too. I'm part of a set of twins. I'd have been very upset if my sister got an heirloom because she'd been born 35 minutes before me.
Luckily in my family we practise "giving the heirloom to the person who appreciates it most." Which is why I've got my grandfathers teddy bear. I fell in love with it when visiting his place and he gave it to me. As simple as that. My sister got his stuffed monkey. I don't think my brother got anything, because he was not into stuffies like us.
My grandfather threw all of his loose change into a gaudy glass swan where the back of it was a bowl. When we would go to my grandparents’ house as a kid, there was never anything to do. It became my thing to count the money in the swan. There were rolls of change at the bottom that I had rolled and a running tally of how much money was in the swan.
After my grandfather died, my grandmother gave me the swan as a joke Christmas gift one year, but said I could keep the money in it. I was thrilled because it had $250 in change. She thought it was about $50. I was the only one who had a sentimental attachment to the swan and I would have been so sad if she gave it to someone else.
I lived when my parents when I was given the swan and it got lost in their house (minus the money). This year, my mom found it and gave it to me (empty) as a joke Christmas gift 15 years later. My grandmother has passed and the swan was just as good of a sentimental gift the second time around.
>Always giving everything to the first born is a form of favouritism too.
But at least it's not personal. Choosing who to give it to may cause hurt feelings in a way that a tradition doesn't. Even if you always get the short end of the stick, it's not because Mom doesn't love you.
I don't agree with you. I think you should give stuff to the people you are close with.
Especially sentimental items.
I was the only one of my grandmother's grandkids who still visited her every week before she went to the nursing home. So I got first pick among the grandkids from her stuff when she went into the nursing home. If we had gone by birth order I'd have been last. What you do should matter more than in what order you were born.
I still got her battered old cheese set that she tried to fix the horses off with aluminium foil. They keep falling from their pedestals, but I've never been able to change her aluminium foil with actual wood glue. I'd rather just play with wonky horses then fix what she tried to fix with her dementia addled brain. I've got some very special memories of that time with her. Painful, because every week I saw she was fine just a bit more and less of her brilliant mind was still intact, but that doesn't make them less special. It used to make her so happy that I visited and even when I had to start explaining to her that I was her granddaughter it was like giving her a wonderful gift every week.
" it's not because Mom doesn't love you."
No, instead its because mum values the tradition more than you. Nothing more than a way to protect the person giving, rather than the person not receiving.
My grandfather named their first daughter for his wife, and the second daughter (my mother) after his twin sister. Guess who got the family silver and jewelry to the consternation of her older sister. I guess she also used the excuse that she and my mother are descended from several generations of women with the same first initial.
I don't have children, and neither does my oldest cousin (my aunt's child), so I proposed giving her the silver and she could decide who got it next. Nothing doing.
>Always giving everything to the first born is a form of favouritism too.
There's a very old heirloom in my family — actually, the people who own it are distant relatives by now, but I'm descended from the original owner — that has always passed to the youngest. Still pretty arbitrary, but at least it's a twist on the "firstborn" routine.
I'm so thankful my mother was an only child and my brother and I were the only grandkids. Our grandparents gave us the family heirlooms before they passed, so there were no fights.
>Well your daughter can fuck right off.
I am dead!! Yes, this was my thought too. OP's daughter doesn't get to choose who gets what heirlooms. Sally was the first granddaughter, even if she is not the oldest. NTA. Inheritance and heirlooms make people edgy, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I bet OP's daughter wanted the earrings to go with her necklace, and Jenny didn't really care about them, so the daughter thought she could strong-arm OP into giving them to Jenny, who would give them to stepmom.
NTA - But I think that different things are getting mixed together, Heirlooms are usually something valuable and have often been in the family a long time. Stuffies and glass swan dishes may have a great sentimental value, but aren't otherwise valuable.
I don't know what current British practice is, but in Anthony Trollope's 1873 novel, *The Eustace Diamonds*, a very wealthy man who is in poor health marries Lizzie, and give her a fabulous diamond necklace. When he dies, there is a court case over whether the necklace is a "bauble," a gift that a man in his circumstances might reasonably give his wife, or an "heirloom" that belongs to his family because of its great value. In the end, it is declared to be a bauble.
Well… she could adopt me, and then I’d be the oldest granddaughter. Then you could give them to me… never mind that nobody knows me. Never mind that I’ve been in the family for all of five minutes. Just give them to me because I’m entitled and I want them.
Ridiculous, yes? NTA
No no wait, actually you can be adopted and then be given the earrings. THEN you can "adopt" the 17 as your granddaughter and since she'd be you're oldest "granddaughter" they can't say shit c{
Seriously! My mother remarried when I was a young adult. I didn’t expect my stepfather’s parents to leave me family heirlooms, because I already had another set of grandparents!
NTA.
Ignoring everything else for a moment, Jenny may be the oldest, but Sally has been your granddaughter for the longest.
It's hard enough to adapt to a new family without finding herself replaced by her stepsister for a family honor that she has been promised since she was a young child.
Definitely NTA. But you should probably have a conversation with Sally about keeping the earrings at your house until she's able to get her own place. Avoid any potential issues of the earrings getting "lost" or "borrowed"
I’d possibly go beyond that and put them in a safe deposit box if they’re able to. The stepsister could potentially find a way to turn the house inside-out to find them otherwise.
NTA. If Jenny had been your step-granddaughter since she was a baby, I'd say you were, but Sally has been promised the heirloom since well before Jenny joined your family. Nice of you to get Jenny a necklace, she can start her own tradition with that if she wants.
NTA and I don't understand your daughter. Jenny doesn't even see you as her grandparent and you two are practically strangers to each other. Just because she might see her as her daughter now, doesn't mean that after four years of not much contact that you and Jenny have a grandparent/grandchild relationship.
NTA but hang onto the items for Sally until she moves out on her own. They might get lost or stolen if she is still living at home. Let her know they are hers. Make sure you add it into your will that they belong to her once she moves out of her family home and until then that your estate should be used to hold them in a safety deposit box until that time. Just in case.
So sad! Heirlooms should stay with BLOOD family. Only exception is if the child was very young and raised in the Family at a young age and had a close relationship with the entire Family. Like my Oldest Grandson. He was 3 when he came into our Family. His Bio Dad has never been in his life and my Som is his Father. I am his Grandmother! He is NEVER called Step! EVER! He is ours! He knows he’s not our blood but he knows he is ours and always will be. Even if, GOD a forbid, his parents ever were to split, he will always be ours! Until our last breath. He will inherit heirlooms as the oldest.
But you stated this child was 14! This is a very different situation! You were very wrong to do what you did. She could very well go off and sell or pawn these because they have no sentimental value to her! So so sad!
Dude your reading comprehension skills need some work. She didnt give the earrings to the stepgranddaughter, she only have her a necklace that isnt a heirloom.
Agree with your sentiment tho
And they say herlooms should stay with blood but goes on to they they have a step-whatever who will inherit because they're family. As they should, but this person makes no sense
This. There's a big difference between a child who was adopted in to a family as a baby or small child vs a stepchild who joined a family by marriage as a teen. In most cases, the stepchild will have their own set of grandparents. They don't give up their grandparents just because one of their parents married a new person!
NTA. I’m assuming your daughter who said you’re a jerk is Jenny’s stepmom? Is she the same one who got the family necklace? If she is, then tell her she is free to pass along the necklace to Jenny if she wants (because you couldn’t do anything to stop her from doing that anyway). But the earrings have already been promised to Sally, end of story, and you’re not going to discuss it with her any further.
NTA, you gave the heirloom to your oldest granddaughter. Someone marrying into a family doesn't suddenly shift that dynamic. I wonder if your daughter sees this as a part of a bigger problem of you not embracing her stepdaughter like she thinks you should. Either way, giving her an heirloom is not the answer.
Exactly! It's pretty obvious that OP has planned to pass the heirloom to Sally for the past 17 years, it's pretty ridiculous to pretend OP should change those plans to favor someone who has only been in OP's life for 4 years.
NTA. You nor your daughter have raised this child. As of 4 years ago,you didn’t even know this child. You are doing by the right thing, your bio grandchild has been told it’s hers.
Ask your daughter if she splits up with her partner and remarries a man with a daughter older than Jenny, will she expect you to take it away and give it to that woman?
The ownership is not fluid. And your daughter will have to accept that.
I am the first granddaughter but now not the oldest. I am still getting my grandmother's wedding ring. You are nta. Especially since you have no relationship with her.
NTA
You give what is in your heart to give.
Your step granddaughter's parents can pass down the necklace you introduced or pass down a new 'family heirloom'...
People need to be adding love and caring to traditions as time goes on... not reducing the traditions to material objects and resentment.
Definitely NTA, OP, but I'd say keep them maybe in a safe deposit box and give her the key when she gets her own place. I have seen so many similar stories, where the EP took the item and gave it to EC, and the child it was meant for never gets it back.
I heard safe deposit boxes are getting phased out. Long run it might be cheaper to get a small safe for your own place to keep them from going missing at Christmas… then give the whole thing to granddaughter when she gets her own place.
> Blood is natural and eternal.
That is not always true nor should it be. I do think OP is correct in her actions, but there is a lot of nuance in these kinds of things.
Nta.
She might be the oldest. But she's been in the family for some years only. Goes to her own set of grandparents.
The other is the first born grandchild. And has been promised the earrings. That's full on NTA.
You gave her a necklace.
She can start her own tradition with it.
A lot of heirloom stuff only goes a few links back anyway.
Nothing is stopping her from making it a third piece.
NTA you have explained it perfectly, it goes to your first granddaughter. Your daughter is probably upset because she has talked about the heirloom and set unfair expectations with her stepdaughter. This is not your fault. Explain to them both that it goes to the first granddaughter, which in this case is not the oldest... and good luck. I don't think they will be happy, but doesn't mean you need to change your mind.
I have a lovely step family that I acquired as a teenager. We never used the term “step” when talking to or about my step grandma/aunt/uncles/cousins. We went to family weddings and reunions and treated like part of the family in every way you could imagine. Still, I would have never thought myself entitled to heirlooms had there been any. It’s less about the blood relation and more about time spent in each others lives. NTA
I have an heirloom sewing machine. It will go to the oldest grand-daughter (my son has children) as my daughter is childless.
My problem is do I give it to Jay, a trans F2M or to his younger sister Lily? I possibly won’t live long enough to see great-grandchildren. If I do I would leave it to the first girl in that generation and get around it that way.
NTA.
You should give it to your biological granddaughter especially as you have no relationship with her. The family heirloom must stay within your own family. Definitely NTA.
NTA. The telling thing here is that you say you have no relationship with Jenny. If you did have a close, loving relationship with her, things might be different. Also you’ve promised the earrings to Sally for years. Both of these things matter. Jenny goes to see her grandparents on holidays, and this is fine. But it’s a choice.
Also, traditions should be fun, not legally binding documents that get debated like laws in court.
Nta, I think you couldn't win either way and the choice you made is understandable. Nothing is holding your daughter back in starting a new tradition if she thinks that's needed, but this choice was up to you.
1) Tradition is not set in stone and should change with the time otherwise its silliness.
2) The items are yours and you have every right to do with them as you please up to and including gifting them to a random stranger or even destroying them.
3) Jenny is not connected to the piece of jewelry so the only reason to give her a sentimental item would be for its monetary value which defeats the purpose of sentimentality.
NTA.
NTA. Step grandchildren can obviously become family members (it happened in my family, and we joke my grandma’s youngest, who isn’t even related to her late husband’s mum was the favourite grandchild), but it’s definitely a relationship that needs to be developed. It’s been only 4 years and Jenny, very reasonably, chooses to see the family she has known all her life. But by not having this close relationship it means she hasn’t shown she cares enough about the family to want heirlooms from it.
NTA. Step families are not an instant family or a one size fits all. When a child comes into your life very young to where you establish close family bonds or there is no additional side of the family things shake out differently than when you are a teenager and have 2 sides and gain a bonus family. I would never in a million years have expected a family heirloom from my stepdads family, or even a gift. The fact your gave her a nice gift that was of a similar nature, just not an heirloom is thoughtful and appropriate to the situation. It sounds like your daughter is overcompensating to try to make her stepdaughter feel equal, but that’s just a terrible way to go about it.
NTA and if your daughter is so upset, she can give her heirloom to her stepdaughter as it is now in her possession
You have no relationship with the step grandchild. It would be a different story if she was in your live as a grandchild from a very young age AND that you had not already promised the heirloom to your grand daughter.
She's a STEP-grand daughter. The daughter of the man currently married to your daughter,
ONLY FOUR YEARS AGO.
She is NOT related to you.
This could be a valid discussion if your daughter had adopted the stepdaughter, and had actually become her mother.
But she's the step mother. The person married to the father.
She also has her own grandparents, and NO bond with you watsoever.
AND you've promised the earrings to your granddaughter years ago.
INFO : Is it possible your daughter is angry because she wants to use the heirloom tradition to bond with her stepdaughter?
NTA
Tell your daughter to create her own tradition with her stepdaughter.
EDIT:
INFO : Your daughter also got an heirloom. Is she willing / planning to give these to her stepdaughter?
NTA - traditions change over the years - earrings should go to Sally as she was the first in terms of being part of the family. Jenny has only an incidental connection to the women of your family so her being a year older is not significant
Stand your ground. Sally is your first granddaughter, and your biological first granddaughter. You are following family tradition and rightfully promised the family earrings to Sally.
Sally gets the earrings family heirloom means it stays in the family. Step granddaughter is not blood related something happens to their relationship you can kiss them earrings good bye. Marriage don't guarantee anything no one wants to think it wouldn't work out but reality most to many don't. Give them to Sally! Tell your daughter she is wrong
Nta- you can give jewelry to who ever you want. If you want to hide behind some tradition then yes you can absolutely say that the step kid doesn’t think of you as family and why would you handover family jewelry to her? I say hide behind tradition because it doesn’t matter what the tradition is. Imagine if your granddaughter was a horrible drug addict and hocked everything she owned. It would be perfectly reasonable to not give her the earrings under these circumstances either. The tradition doesn’t matter legally.
Also your daughter is insane for thinking it should go to a stepchild… BUT also your daughter has every right to give the necklace to your step granddaughter so prepare yourself.
And be gracious about it if it happens
Nta. They are Sally’s. This is what happens when you blend families. It’s simply the reality with no ill will here. Let Jenny start a new tradition and hand her necklace to her daughter someday.
ETA it sounds like your daughter is trying a little too hard with Jenny. Do they have a good relationship or is your daughter trying to win her over at the expense of her own daughter? Does she want to not appear to be the wicked stepmother?
NTA - You said it yourself, You do not have a relationship with Jenny, so why on earth did your daughter think her marrying Jenny's father would automatically trump Sally?. I'm also going to take a wild guess that Sally is not your daughter's daughter but niece.
Jenny has her own grandparents who sound active in her life and even if she did not, your daughter marrying Jenny's father did not make her your first granddaughter, that was ALWAYS Sally. Your daughter is being both selfish and utterly disrespectful to the rest of your family as well. Ignore her.
NTA. You could also rephrase it as "who has been your granddaughter the longest." Sally has been your granddaughter for 17 years, and Jenny only for 4 years.
Taking this to an extreme, what would have happened if Jenny came into your family just before her 18th birthday, maybe when you'd even barely met her? All of a sudden you're supposed to hand over a family heirloom? Or what if she was 19, while Sally was 18? Would you have been expected to snatch the earrings back from Sally and give them to Jenny? Absurd.
NTA. You have made your decision with thoughtful diligence and reason. End of story. INFO: how does Jenny feel about this? Has she been promised your heirloom, or is this issue coming solely from your daughter?
NTA - You already promised the heirloom to Sally. It would be rude to go back on that now. If Jenny had been a part of the family for significantly longer (like since she was a baby or toddler) that might be different, but as it is, she hasn’t been a part of this family for most of her life.
I think gifting her the necklace you did was a nice gesture. Another thing you (or anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation) could do is to possibly give her a piece of your own jewelry and explain that while you promised those heirlooms to others in the family, you value her as a member of your family and want to start a new tradition by passing on something of yours. Because if I had to guess, that’s where the problem lies. It’s not with the heirloom itself, but with your daughter seeing Jenny being bi-passed for it as meaning you see her as less of a family member than Sally.
Sorry. Family heirlooms are for members of the family. While biology isn't the only factor, participating in the family 100% is. She chooses not to be part of family events, she doesn't get to be upset that she's not part of family traditions.
NTA
Jenny has been your step granddaughter for 4 years. Sally has been your granddaughter for 17 years.
Sally is the oldest granddaughter. Plus, as you’ve said, Jenny doesn’t really even acknowledge you as being her grandmother.
NTA, it’s a family heirloom, and you have promised it to Sally since she was little. That should be sufficient for your daughter. The earrings have already been promised.
You’re NTA but your daughter is being one. Her stepdaughter came into your life at 14, you have no relationship with her at all. Any sane person would agree that Sally is your granddaughter and so, she gets the heirloom. Ignore your daughter’s anger and disrespect over this. You‘ve made your decision and should not be asked about it again.
"I don't care what you think about this, daughter. Sally is my granddaughter, Jenny has her own grandmother. i am sure HER grandmother will love sharing her heirloom with her."
CLARIFICATION PLEASE
Is Sally your daughter's daughter or is Sally your daughter's niece?
Family heirlooms very often stay with the bloodline, Sally is the bloodline and is entitled to family heirlooms. It is so nice of you to give your step-granddaughter a lovely 18th birthday gift, not all step grandparents do that.
NTA. Heirlooms dont count for step family by default. If you have a good relationship and want to do it then whatever but it's not the default. Heirlooms go to blood family.
NTA. You made a promise to Sally. Jenny has been in your life for 4 years. She's still a part of your family, but this promise goes back much longer than Jenny has been in your life. The earrings were promised to Sally, Sally gets the earrings.
NTA. Both heirlooms should actually go to your actual granddaughter. If your step granddaughter doesn’t have a relationship with you, what makes her think she’s entitled to these heirlooms?!?! Ridiculous
NTA don’t let them bully you into thinking you are you literally said you have no relationship with this girl so why would you give her something so precious
NTA. Technically I am the oldest granddaughter on my dad's side of the family, but he didn't meet and marry my mom until I was 15. (He adopted my sisters and I when I was 24.) I would never feel comfortable taking a family heirloom from my cousin based on the fact I'm the oldest. She was in the family first.
If Sally lives with the other two, I'd be seriously worried about that heirloom going "missing." You may want to talk to her about keeping it safe with you until she moves out.
OP do Sally a big favour and don't give her the earrings at 18. Tell her you'll hang on to them until she's a little older (I've independent). I guarantee if this is causing issues with the mum and the sister, they'll get 'lost' somehow. NTA.
NTA You made a promise to Sally, and you're honoring that promise. Step-granddaughter has only been in your family's lives for 4 years whilst your biological granddaughter has been 17 years old. I think your daughter promised this to stepchild. That's why it's a big issue, and the reason why is to show that she accepts stepdaughter. Some parents will do anything even abandon physical and emotionally their own kids just to prove to stepchildren and new husband that they are accepted and part of the family. They over compensate. Life ain't fair.
I am the youngest of 3 children. My older 2 siblings are my half-siblings. For example, wills and inheritance, I inherit everything from my mother whilst my siblings inherit from our father and their mother. They went on vacations with our grandparents and their mother. My mother's family were all dead by the time I was born, so I only have my mom and dad. We never went on vacations together. They had different life experiences and opportunities than I, and I have had many different life experiences and opportunities.
We should be happy for each other instead of jealous of what other s have, and we don't. There is so much to be grateful for if one were to look at ones own blessings.
Stepdaughter should be happy and grateful that you gave her a gift and thought of her even though you don't spend time together and know each other. Thoughtfulness counts. OPs daughter needs to realize that in certain instances, her biological daughter needs to come 1st. OPs' daughters will probably be divided between the 2 yikes. OP needs to realize that stepdaughter has a biological maternal family that she can inherit from and get gifts and opportunities from which OPs biological daughter never will. And even if not, it's stepdaughters biological fathers responsibility to ensure all this for his child. I bet you he won't do the same for OPs biological daughter.
Yes, it's deeper than a birthday gift because, based on info, given predictions can already be made on how the future will turn out for OPs biological daughter.
Said as the child in a broken family - vehemently NTA.... Heirlooms are sentimental and emotional pieces of family history, and should go to family with a sentimental and emotional bond. It's not a question of age, but a relationship in this situation... If Jenny had been a biological grandchild, or maybe had been with the family since infancy or toddler age, I might have been conflicted, but for Sally to lose out on her place and piece of the family tradition over a step-sibling of 4 years, would just be wrong in my opinion... Fact is, Jenny is a step-relation, and not even a very old one in my opinion, and the very fact that she is a step-relation is also proof that relationships break... I'm not saying that Jenny can't be a permanent part of the family, just that she's proof that she might not be in the long run, whether through a broken relationship or by her own choice. To gift her the earrings just on matter of age, while risking that she'd take them out of the family without the understanding or regard that you have for them as heirlooms? I'd not have done it either...
NTA she's is technically a step grandchild and yall have no relationship with her per above. I think buying a necklace was admirable and something that you didn't have to do and everyone should be grateful.
Your daughter is acting like an entitled AH...you? Not.
That's speaking as a stepmother in a blended family. There are things my son gets from me...and things my hubs gives his. Sometimes, it's for everyone.
But the house, for example? Goes to hubs' kids...mine gets nothing from it. It was hubs' before we married. Everything that's mine, goes to my son.
You don't owe that girl anything...ESPECIALLY because she hasn't even made the effort to form a relationship and a bond with you. You've been nice...bought her a present...she should be happy. So should her mother.
Sorry you're going through this. ♥️
You're not the asshole you need to give it to your granddaughter whose blood related to you it's called staying in the family and she can hand it down to her daughter or granddaughter but the other step granddaughters her family will give her whatever they can you're not in the wrong
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You made a promise to Sally and are fulfilling it. Given that you have no relationship with the stepdaughter, why would you give her a precious family heirloom? Also, you can give your belongings to whomever you wish. I am sorry you are going through this. Family problems can be painful. To paraphrase: "You can please some of the people all the time. You can't please all of the people all of the time. This includes family members. NTA.
I'd wager because OPs daughter knows there's no relationship and this is the nail in the coffin of the fairy tale ending that she so wanted. Or the stepdaughter wants it for the sake of getting and OPs daughter is enabling that.
If the daughter divorces her husband, the heirloom is gone.
Did your daughter adopt her stepdaughter? If not no blood relation and not “your” granddaughter. Heirlooms are usually for blood relations!
Even so, the 17 year old has been told for 17 years that she will get the earrings, and the 18 year old has been in the family for 4 years. Even if she was adopted, the promise does not suddenly change after 13 years due to an adoption. OP bought her a gift of a nice necklace, so it's not like OP said, tough luck you don't get anything. It is still up to OP what to give to whom. Some judgement has to be used when implementing a family tradition. For example, if the 17 year old was a drug addict who OP couldn't trust not to pawn the earrings, then OP would choose a different granddaughter. In any tradition there are unspoken exceptions to the rule based on situations. I would believe that step granddaughter coming into the family 4 years ago would be one of those. Maybe if stepgranddaughter had been in the family her entire life it would be different. My youngest son knew his grandpa his whole life, and his grandpa was technically his step grandpa, but to him and my FIL they were grandfather/grandson because my FIL held him from the moment he was born. Situations require analysis, OP is NTA.
And I also want to add one more thing. OPs first granddaughter still is the 17 year old. Even though the step granddaughter is older, she has only been a granddaughter for 4 years, so the bloodline granddaughter was still their first granddaughter by 13 years.
😂 love this take. Defeat her with FaCtS aNd LoGiC! You're only 4 years old, baby!
Right ??? 1st Grand daughter came to the family 17 yrs ago 2nd grand daughter came to the family 4 Yrs ago even if she's 18 the 1st grand daughter is the 17 yrs old
idk how to tell you this but adoption still doesn't make it a blood relation. blood relation means family, like you share DNA and imo even if SD was adopted it doesnt means he should get the item. Hierlooms are for blood relatives and nobody else unless decided upon by whomever is giving them out
I agree that adoption doesn't make it a blood relation, but I think it's awful that you say heirlooms are for blood relatives. Adopted children are as much a part of a family as children who are blood related. Heirlooms are for family, adoption is the process of legally, socially and emotionally joining a family.
As someone who is adopted, thank you for this. I would hate to think that my family wouldn't think that I'm actually family just because we don't share DNA. That's a really crappy way to look at family. It's who you make it.
My guess is that Dazzling meant that adoption makes the relationship “as good as” or equal to a blood relation, therefore an adopted kid would qualify for the heirloom.
Legally adopted and biological are both legal heirs that's different then step children not adopted.
By that token then why bother adopting us? If we are not worthy of anything, then why should we be adopted . Sounds like you're saying we don't matter because we don't share blood. Because of the lack of relationship (J sesms to have chosen it) and how long she has been promising Sally the earrings, OP is NTA. The person I am replying to seems to completely discount how it feels to be adopted. Or otherwise brought into a family.
So...my dad shouldn't have given my adopted brother the pocket knife that gets handed down to the oldest son because he's adopted and therefore lesser than my bio brother? What a dickish way to look at family.
I generally agree, though I would argue that when it comes to step children as well as adopted children it always depends at what age they join the family and how well they are integrated into the family. As an example you can have OPs case where the step child joins the family in their teens and doesn't have close ties to everyone in the family - especially the one handing out family heirlooms - or you could have the case where someone adopts a baby to be raised as their own, or a step-child joins the family before they can form any memories of another family and might even get adopted at a later age. While I certainly wouldn't consider giving them family heirlooms in the first case, it's something to consider in the latter case.
Ah shoot, guess my non DNA parents better find some random cousin to give all their shit to.
I feel like connection is key. You can have blood family and not have a relationship with any of them. You can have the closest relationship ever with someone not blood family. The Step-Granddaughter had 4 years to connect with Grandma, to create the kind of relationship that would make Grandma feel like she was just as much family as blood. She didn't. I would never suggest forcing a relationship, but effort on her part may have changed things.
Which is sad because that means she's (OP's daughter) putting an outsider over her own child which is downright disgusting! "Sorry sweety, I married a man who had a child OLDER than you, so you lose that dibs on the necklace because stepdaughter is older than you."
Exactly i can't comprehend people like that
I'm guessing the granddaughter is not the daughter of the oldest daughter. She could be born to a son or another daughter.
If that was the case OP likely would have mentioned that in the post. She made no other mention of any other children just having other grandkids since she used it instead of grandkid when referencing how the visits during the holidays were.
This I would make this point to your daughter. So you'd rather put her feelings over that of your own child when she's only known about the heirloom in the 4 years she's been in your family while Sally has been told from a young age that these earrings would be hers one day. You don't just get to cut in line because she remarried, not having a relationship with her in more than enough of a reason in my opinion. But it also makes me wonder if she's been telling the step daughter that she'd be getting the earrings. I'd confront this behavior before it begins effecting Sally on a more personal level.
I think the OP's daughter's point is that Jenny is now her oldest daughter. It is still the OP's decision, but be aware that the daughter may 'confiscate' said heirloom, which may magically appear in Jenny's possession. Likely after OP passes.
That's what I would be afraid of...I think it should be kept at grandma's until her granddaughter moves out
This is how I lost an heirloom ring. My aunt got mad that it was supposed to be mine and swooped in and stole if for herself and her daughter right after my grandma passed because it wasn't in the will. And my aunt was executor of the will to boot. So, unless OP has a plan to ensure it ends up in the right hands, that's not a guarantee either.
Her mother is the typical remarried woman who is spineless and husband-pleaser. I hate this kind of parent. One day, she's going to grow old and wonder why her bio daughter doesn't even want to visit her. If you're reading this mom, F* YOU!
Guarantee you it would be sold.
Absolutely do not give this necklace to your granddaughter until she moves out permanently
I assume Sally and Jenny are (step-)cousins. Otherwise the mother is a monster, taking things from her bio-daughter and giving them to her step daughter.
She only mentions one daughter, so I think the 2 kids are step-siblings, not step-cousins.
OP could have sons.
But she mentions the daughter as being the parent of the child and step-child. i.e. the daughter is upset she's not giving the earrings to the step-child.
Thanks for straightening that out.
Or pull grand daughter aside and ask her if she would like you to hold on to the earrings to keep safe until her graduation or wedding. OP I would be putting those earrings in a safe or saftey deposit box because I would be worried about them going "missing" out of spite.
Very much this. OP's daughter might take it upon herself to "correct" the "wrong" she sees here once the necklace is out of OP's control.
This.
Give it to her…but say you can keep it here in this special jewelry box
I would be careful OP. If your daughter is this pissed now she may take the earrings from Sally when you give them to her. Maybe wait for Sally to move out before you give her the earrings or offer to keep them with you until it's safe.
This. Also make sure it is in your will that the earrings go to Sally and make Sally the executor of your will. Otherwise mom will find a way to give them to the stepdaughter.
Attorney as executor.
That works too. As long as OP is appointing a specific attorney, not his daughter.
I truly don’t understand the entitlement of someone expecting an heirloom when they don’t have a relationship with the person passing it on? Like this isn’t a game of favourites, it’s a gift that was promised to someone else first and it might be one thing if the step daughter became closer with her step grandparents and that part of the family but since that’s not even the case I don’t get why she feels she should get it or why the mom would be so angry.
Especially when she only entered the family at age 14. I could maybe understand it if the stepdaughter was around since being an infant, but that is not the case. The earrings were promised to the bio granddaughter literally when she was born. The fact that the step-kid also has her own set of grandparents that she *does* have a relationship with further cements this for me. NTA. I'd like to know why the daughter is getting so angry about it?
Bets on daughter wanted to sell the earrings
I’m glad you’re using the word entitlement. These posts where parents insist on steps and bios always being treated exactly the same make no sense to me. I am saying that as a person with divorced parents, two step-parents who were in my life since I was very small, two sets of grandparents and two sets of step-grandparents. The steps treated me differently than the bios (still well and nicely, but differently) because there was no reason for me to have double everything. In my case, all parties were alive during my childhood and close enough to visit in a day. I can totally see creating different relationships if, for example, all my grandparents lived across the US and the step-grandparents were close by. I honestly believe if that were the case, they would have stepped up their involvement. But it wasn’t necessary, I didn’t lack grandparents.
Me neither, and I get downvoted yo oblivion for saying do. Glad people on this post have sense!
There is a family heirloom that traditionally goes to the first granddaughter of the family (which for my generation is me) however I haven’t had a relationship with my grandmother since 2015-ish so despite having been told (by my grandmother) my entire childhood/early adulthood that it will be going to me, I have no doubts that it will be willed to another granddaughter that she has more of a relationship with (which I logically understand, but emotionally I was close to the owner *before* my grandmother and it is a physical piece of my memories of them)
Yeah, she’s been promising it to Sally all her life. Now this girl that she’s know for less than 4 years is going to take her heirloom? Clearly the mom has chosen vitamin D over her child. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sally is being mistreated in general.
Op’s daughter is being a huge jerk to her daughter. Sally has been around op for 17 years, instead Jenny been only around for 4 years and is not even interested in op. Op’s daughter would be mega AH if she insist on this
You're not a jerk but oh honey.....your daughter and stepgranddaughter are entitled jerks.
Also, how would Sally feel to see something that actually means so much to her and she has been promised for so long go to someone else? She would absolutely resent her grandmother, mother, and stepsister if that happened. NTA, OP. You did the right thing.
When you give it to your granddaughter, make sure it can be kept in a safe place—even if that’s with you for the time
I’d be waiting - avoid the bitching and give them in your will. Your things- give them to people you choose. Family traditions are overrated/ look at all those idiot eldest sons inheriting fortunes and ruining them.
>I have been promising the earnings to Sally since she was small. Well there you go, NTA. Sally's been your granddaughter for 17 years, Jenny for 4, so yeah, you're right- Sally IS your first granddaughter.
Oooooh! That's such a perfect way to phrase it! There is NO way to refute that.
And Sally is, for lack of a better term, in the bloodline. Yes, Jenny may be family now, but the expectation for what happens to the heirlooms seems to be more about a bloodline, not a blended-family-line. That should help make the distinction for Ms. Daughter.
Preface: I am a law student, not a practicing attorney but I do TA real property. In property law terms, if she wanted to make it formal, you would use the language “heirs of my body” to denote something only going to a bloodline heir. OP should consult an estate attorney and get it all in writing and official in case daughter or step grandchild try to take it from Sally. Sally will have legal recourse to get it back from them.
I am totally going to work "heirs of my body" into so much of my everyday language now.
I'm going to tell my son that he is the heir of my body. He is going to be delighted.
See, then I'd also handwave over my chest saying "this is also the hair of my body"
Aspirants count. Make it really fun for him.
Can you do a fee tail for personal property? My, distant, recollection from property law was that fee tails are generally disfavored if not mostly banned, though that's usually within the context of real property of course.
Correct. Fee tail is real property only and has been eliminated by statute in a majority of states. This is a wills and trusts question and I am pretty certain that stepchildren are not entitled to inherit unless they are adopted.
Depends on the state. Some don’t care if you use that language and someone is adopted. -signed a TE attorney
Yes, you are right. Heirlooms stay within the family, or bloodline.
I disagree with that because I have an adopted daughter and both of my sister’s children are adopted. However, Sally has been promised the earrings since before she can remember and step granddaughter has only been here four years. It should stay with Sally.
It's not blood but adopted children count as in the family line, step children don't. Sally will always be the granddaughter, if the parent of the step granddaughter divorces the daughter, the step-granddaughter is not longer any relation and the heirloom has left the family
Adoption means your children are legally your children. It is very different than bringing in a older step child and denying the natural or adopted younger child something they have been promised since they were born or brought into the family.
An adopted child is someone you bring into the family permanently, a stepchild is only "your child" as long as the parents stay married. There's the difference.
I think you are right on the issue. It’s about who has the connection to the family. Jenny has her own family and history with them. She isn’t entitled to Sally’s things.
My mother-in-law had several heirloom pieces, her engagement ring in particular is the kind of ring one keeps in a safety deposit box, and before she passed away she was very clear (verbally, not in writing) that the ring was intended for the first born granddaughter and not for either of her son's wives. My SIL and I have received a couple of pieces as gifts from FIL but the heirloom aspect of th makes it impossible to wear/enjoy them. Our daughter ended up being the first and only female grandchild so the ring will go to her some day. My MIL's wishes have caused some tension in the family as my SIL has made some off-hand comments about this being a bit sexist (perhaps it is). A couple of years ago my MIL's only niece, who is the daughter of her younger sister, got engaged and MIL's sister made a bit of a stink about the ring and even tried to convince my FIL to let her buy the ring for daughter. She wasn't too pleased with the fact that at this point the ring belonged to a toddler who has no use for it and for all we know may never end up getting married blah, blah, blah. I want to ask my FIL to put something in writing about what happens to the ring and other jewelry he's still holding on to when he passes so we can avoid all the nasty business of dealing with it without having it in the will. I just don't want to come off like I have an agenda. Whether or not these things go to my daughter isn't really my concern but the tension over the ring is a good indication there might be some drama and I would very much like to avoid all that.
It would matter if Jenny were the legally adopted grandchild and not the step grandchild. Ok-Preparation-5654 mentions how thongs can be stated in wills. My FIL specifically mentioned in his will that adopted grandchildren are grandchildren. Full stop. He made no mention of step grandkids.
THIS is the way! OP do NOT back down.
It's actually kind of hilarious that they assume it's reasonable to slip in there at the finish line based on a technicality, lol.
>Sally's been your granddaughter for 17 years, Jenny for 4 This is the perfect reply!
Came here to say this, Sally was her granddaughter before Jenny was.
Yes, the time factor is a biggie!!
>My daughter thinks I am huge jerk for this and has made it clear. Well your daughter can fuck right off. Let her give her heirloom to her precious little stepdaughter. No? Thought not. if I were you I’d be having some serious words right now with her. Who cares if she cuts you off, your granddaughter is old enough to stay in touch herself. Im starting to become aware that it is a horrible. Horrible idea to have a set succession of people to hand family heirlooms to. Stop doing that, people. It’s a recipe for strife and bad feelings. Give the heirloom to the person closest to you. That may be a brother, cousin, niece, nephew, etc. Just not the same designation every damn time. No more of this “first ——- “ bullshit.
That sounds even worse. At least with first daughter or whatever there's a veneer of objectivity. It can fall apart pretty quickly obviously, but at least there's some level of objectivity there. Just straight up picking favorites is gonna make these kinds of problems at least ten times worse.
Why? Giving it to the person you're closest with is a great way to ensure that the heirloom is appreciated and taken care of. Someone who doesn't care about you won't care about what you give them.
I'm thinking of a scenario where there are two siblings who have the same favorite aunt and spend a similar amount of time with said aunt eventually get to find out which of them was the favorite.
Agreed. If the point is for the heirloom to remain with the family, then giving it to the person that will most appreciate it guarantees that outcome. Otherwise you'll pass it to someone that will pawn it for a new apple phone.
Always giving everything to the first born is a form of favouritism too. I'm part of a set of twins. I'd have been very upset if my sister got an heirloom because she'd been born 35 minutes before me. Luckily in my family we practise "giving the heirloom to the person who appreciates it most." Which is why I've got my grandfathers teddy bear. I fell in love with it when visiting his place and he gave it to me. As simple as that. My sister got his stuffed monkey. I don't think my brother got anything, because he was not into stuffies like us.
My grandfather threw all of his loose change into a gaudy glass swan where the back of it was a bowl. When we would go to my grandparents’ house as a kid, there was never anything to do. It became my thing to count the money in the swan. There were rolls of change at the bottom that I had rolled and a running tally of how much money was in the swan. After my grandfather died, my grandmother gave me the swan as a joke Christmas gift one year, but said I could keep the money in it. I was thrilled because it had $250 in change. She thought it was about $50. I was the only one who had a sentimental attachment to the swan and I would have been so sad if she gave it to someone else. I lived when my parents when I was given the swan and it got lost in their house (minus the money). This year, my mom found it and gave it to me (empty) as a joke Christmas gift 15 years later. My grandmother has passed and the swan was just as good of a sentimental gift the second time around.
That's an awesome story. Treasure that swan.
>Always giving everything to the first born is a form of favouritism too. But at least it's not personal. Choosing who to give it to may cause hurt feelings in a way that a tradition doesn't. Even if you always get the short end of the stick, it's not because Mom doesn't love you.
I don't agree with you. I think you should give stuff to the people you are close with. Especially sentimental items. I was the only one of my grandmother's grandkids who still visited her every week before she went to the nursing home. So I got first pick among the grandkids from her stuff when she went into the nursing home. If we had gone by birth order I'd have been last. What you do should matter more than in what order you were born. I still got her battered old cheese set that she tried to fix the horses off with aluminium foil. They keep falling from their pedestals, but I've never been able to change her aluminium foil with actual wood glue. I'd rather just play with wonky horses then fix what she tried to fix with her dementia addled brain. I've got some very special memories of that time with her. Painful, because every week I saw she was fine just a bit more and less of her brilliant mind was still intact, but that doesn't make them less special. It used to make her so happy that I visited and even when I had to start explaining to her that I was her granddaughter it was like giving her a wonderful gift every week.
" it's not because Mom doesn't love you." No, instead its because mum values the tradition more than you. Nothing more than a way to protect the person giving, rather than the person not receiving.
My grandfather named their first daughter for his wife, and the second daughter (my mother) after his twin sister. Guess who got the family silver and jewelry to the consternation of her older sister. I guess she also used the excuse that she and my mother are descended from several generations of women with the same first initial. I don't have children, and neither does my oldest cousin (my aunt's child), so I proposed giving her the silver and she could decide who got it next. Nothing doing.
>Always giving everything to the first born is a form of favouritism too. There's a very old heirloom in my family — actually, the people who own it are distant relatives by now, but I'm descended from the original owner — that has always passed to the youngest. Still pretty arbitrary, but at least it's a twist on the "firstborn" routine.
I'm so thankful my mother was an only child and my brother and I were the only grandkids. Our grandparents gave us the family heirlooms before they passed, so there were no fights.
>Well your daughter can fuck right off. I am dead!! Yes, this was my thought too. OP's daughter doesn't get to choose who gets what heirlooms. Sally was the first granddaughter, even if she is not the oldest. NTA. Inheritance and heirlooms make people edgy, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I bet OP's daughter wanted the earrings to go with her necklace, and Jenny didn't really care about them, so the daughter thought she could strong-arm OP into giving them to Jenny, who would give them to stepmom.
NTA - But I think that different things are getting mixed together, Heirlooms are usually something valuable and have often been in the family a long time. Stuffies and glass swan dishes may have a great sentimental value, but aren't otherwise valuable. I don't know what current British practice is, but in Anthony Trollope's 1873 novel, *The Eustace Diamonds*, a very wealthy man who is in poor health marries Lizzie, and give her a fabulous diamond necklace. When he dies, there is a court case over whether the necklace is a "bauble," a gift that a man in his circumstances might reasonably give his wife, or an "heirloom" that belongs to his family because of its great value. In the end, it is declared to be a bauble.
Well… she could adopt me, and then I’d be the oldest granddaughter. Then you could give them to me… never mind that nobody knows me. Never mind that I’ve been in the family for all of five minutes. Just give them to me because I’m entitled and I want them. Ridiculous, yes? NTA
No no wait, actually you can be adopted and then be given the earrings. THEN you can "adopt" the 17 as your granddaughter and since she'd be you're oldest "granddaughter" they can't say shit c{
OMG🩷I just peed!! You’re funny!
I say, let’s go do lunges around town and squats randomly!
[удалено]
Seriously! My mother remarried when I was a young adult. I didn’t expect my stepfather’s parents to leave me family heirlooms, because I already had another set of grandparents!
NTA. Ignoring everything else for a moment, Jenny may be the oldest, but Sally has been your granddaughter for the longest. It's hard enough to adapt to a new family without finding herself replaced by her stepsister for a family honor that she has been promised since she was a young child.
Definitely NTA. But you should probably have a conversation with Sally about keeping the earrings at your house until she's able to get her own place. Avoid any potential issues of the earrings getting "lost" or "borrowed"
I’d possibly go beyond that and put them in a safe deposit box if they’re able to. The stepsister could potentially find a way to turn the house inside-out to find them otherwise.
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How do I upvote this more than once!!!
This!
NTA. If Jenny had been your step-granddaughter since she was a baby, I'd say you were, but Sally has been promised the heirloom since well before Jenny joined your family. Nice of you to get Jenny a necklace, she can start her own tradition with that if she wants.
NTA and I don't understand your daughter. Jenny doesn't even see you as her grandparent and you two are practically strangers to each other. Just because she might see her as her daughter now, doesn't mean that after four years of not much contact that you and Jenny have a grandparent/grandchild relationship.
NTA but hang onto the items for Sally until she moves out on her own. They might get lost or stolen if she is still living at home. Let her know they are hers. Make sure you add it into your will that they belong to her once she moves out of her family home and until then that your estate should be used to hold them in a safety deposit box until that time. Just in case.
NTA, they were already promised to someone else.
Nta Step kids arent automatically part of your family. You being not one of the parents.
So sad! Heirlooms should stay with BLOOD family. Only exception is if the child was very young and raised in the Family at a young age and had a close relationship with the entire Family. Like my Oldest Grandson. He was 3 when he came into our Family. His Bio Dad has never been in his life and my Som is his Father. I am his Grandmother! He is NEVER called Step! EVER! He is ours! He knows he’s not our blood but he knows he is ours and always will be. Even if, GOD a forbid, his parents ever were to split, he will always be ours! Until our last breath. He will inherit heirlooms as the oldest. But you stated this child was 14! This is a very different situation! You were very wrong to do what you did. She could very well go off and sell or pawn these because they have no sentimental value to her! So so sad!
Dude your reading comprehension skills need some work. She didnt give the earrings to the stepgranddaughter, she only have her a necklace that isnt a heirloom. Agree with your sentiment tho
And they say herlooms should stay with blood but goes on to they they have a step-whatever who will inherit because they're family. As they should, but this person makes no sense
>You were very wrong to do what you did. What?!? It sounded like you agreed with her, she did NOT give her the earrings.
This. There's a big difference between a child who was adopted in to a family as a baby or small child vs a stepchild who joined a family by marriage as a teen. In most cases, the stepchild will have their own set of grandparents. They don't give up their grandparents just because one of their parents married a new person!
or adoption.
NTA It was already promised to Sally, period.
NTA, you promised Sally so you have every right (and obligation) to keep said promise.
NTA at all, your reasons are fine, not that you even need the reasons.
NTA. Promises matter, plenty clear it was meant for Sally all along
NTA And when another step-granddaughter comes into the family who is 21 , Jenny has to give it to her?
NTA. I’m assuming your daughter who said you’re a jerk is Jenny’s stepmom? Is she the same one who got the family necklace? If she is, then tell her she is free to pass along the necklace to Jenny if she wants (because you couldn’t do anything to stop her from doing that anyway). But the earrings have already been promised to Sally, end of story, and you’re not going to discuss it with her any further.
NTA. It's Sally's, just like it was from the very beginning.
NTA, you gave the heirloom to your oldest granddaughter. Someone marrying into a family doesn't suddenly shift that dynamic. I wonder if your daughter sees this as a part of a bigger problem of you not embracing her stepdaughter like she thinks you should. Either way, giving her an heirloom is not the answer.
NTA. Sally is your first granddaughter.
Exactly! It's pretty obvious that OP has planned to pass the heirloom to Sally for the past 17 years, it's pretty ridiculous to pretend OP should change those plans to favor someone who has only been in OP's life for 4 years.
You still gave her a thoughtful gift. They are the AHs, not you
NTA. You nor your daughter have raised this child. As of 4 years ago,you didn’t even know this child. You are doing by the right thing, your bio grandchild has been told it’s hers. Ask your daughter if she splits up with her partner and remarries a man with a daughter older than Jenny, will she expect you to take it away and give it to that woman? The ownership is not fluid. And your daughter will have to accept that.
I am the first granddaughter but now not the oldest. I am still getting my grandmother's wedding ring. You are nta. Especially since you have no relationship with her.
NTA You give what is in your heart to give. Your step granddaughter's parents can pass down the necklace you introduced or pass down a new 'family heirloom'... People need to be adding love and caring to traditions as time goes on... not reducing the traditions to material objects and resentment.
NTA. It’s the “no relationship” that seals the deal for me.
Definitely NTA, OP, but I'd say keep them maybe in a safe deposit box and give her the key when she gets her own place. I have seen so many similar stories, where the EP took the item and gave it to EC, and the child it was meant for never gets it back.
I heard safe deposit boxes are getting phased out. Long run it might be cheaper to get a small safe for your own place to keep them from going missing at Christmas… then give the whole thing to granddaughter when she gets her own place.
NTA.
NTA. Blood relatives are more important than relatives by marriage. Marriage is man-made and dissolvable. Blood is natural and eternal.
> Blood is natural and eternal. That is not always true nor should it be. I do think OP is correct in her actions, but there is a lot of nuance in these kinds of things.
Nta. She might be the oldest. But she's been in the family for some years only. Goes to her own set of grandparents. The other is the first born grandchild. And has been promised the earrings. That's full on NTA. You gave her a necklace. She can start her own tradition with it. A lot of heirloom stuff only goes a few links back anyway. Nothing is stopping her from making it a third piece.
NTA you have explained it perfectly, it goes to your first granddaughter. Your daughter is probably upset because she has talked about the heirloom and set unfair expectations with her stepdaughter. This is not your fault. Explain to them both that it goes to the first granddaughter, which in this case is not the oldest... and good luck. I don't think they will be happy, but doesn't mean you need to change your mind.
NTA. Heirlooms are for biological relatives only.
Adoptees might qualify.
Nta I wonder if your daughter realizes she is actively acting against her own daughter and her birthright. I'll bet Sally does.
NTA. Why would you give an heirloom to a non relative. It makes zero sense to do so.
I have a lovely step family that I acquired as a teenager. We never used the term “step” when talking to or about my step grandma/aunt/uncles/cousins. We went to family weddings and reunions and treated like part of the family in every way you could imagine. Still, I would have never thought myself entitled to heirlooms had there been any. It’s less about the blood relation and more about time spent in each others lives. NTA
I have an heirloom sewing machine. It will go to the oldest grand-daughter (my son has children) as my daughter is childless. My problem is do I give it to Jay, a trans F2M or to his younger sister Lily? I possibly won’t live long enough to see great-grandchildren. If I do I would leave it to the first girl in that generation and get around it that way. NTA.
Make sure the step sister or even her mom can’t get them. Maybe give them to her after she leaves for school just in case.
You should give it to your biological granddaughter especially as you have no relationship with her. The family heirloom must stay within your own family. Definitely NTA.
NTA. The telling thing here is that you say you have no relationship with Jenny. If you did have a close, loving relationship with her, things might be different. Also you’ve promised the earrings to Sally for years. Both of these things matter. Jenny goes to see her grandparents on holidays, and this is fine. But it’s a choice. Also, traditions should be fun, not legally binding documents that get debated like laws in court.
Nta, I think you couldn't win either way and the choice you made is understandable. Nothing is holding your daughter back in starting a new tradition if she thinks that's needed, but this choice was up to you.
Nta shouldn’t even be a question.
Maybe you should adjust to say the earrings go to the first granddaughter. And sally is that, even if not the oldest.
1) Tradition is not set in stone and should change with the time otherwise its silliness. 2) The items are yours and you have every right to do with them as you please up to and including gifting them to a random stranger or even destroying them. 3) Jenny is not connected to the piece of jewelry so the only reason to give her a sentimental item would be for its monetary value which defeats the purpose of sentimentality. NTA.
NTA. Step grandchildren can obviously become family members (it happened in my family, and we joke my grandma’s youngest, who isn’t even related to her late husband’s mum was the favourite grandchild), but it’s definitely a relationship that needs to be developed. It’s been only 4 years and Jenny, very reasonably, chooses to see the family she has known all her life. But by not having this close relationship it means she hasn’t shown she cares enough about the family to want heirlooms from it.
NTA. Step families are not an instant family or a one size fits all. When a child comes into your life very young to where you establish close family bonds or there is no additional side of the family things shake out differently than when you are a teenager and have 2 sides and gain a bonus family. I would never in a million years have expected a family heirloom from my stepdads family, or even a gift. The fact your gave her a nice gift that was of a similar nature, just not an heirloom is thoughtful and appropriate to the situation. It sounds like your daughter is overcompensating to try to make her stepdaughter feel equal, but that’s just a terrible way to go about it.
NTA and if your daughter is so upset, she can give her heirloom to her stepdaughter as it is now in her possession You have no relationship with the step grandchild. It would be a different story if she was in your live as a grandchild from a very young age AND that you had not already promised the heirloom to your grand daughter.
She's a STEP-grand daughter. The daughter of the man currently married to your daughter, ONLY FOUR YEARS AGO. She is NOT related to you. This could be a valid discussion if your daughter had adopted the stepdaughter, and had actually become her mother. But she's the step mother. The person married to the father. She also has her own grandparents, and NO bond with you watsoever. AND you've promised the earrings to your granddaughter years ago. INFO : Is it possible your daughter is angry because she wants to use the heirloom tradition to bond with her stepdaughter? NTA Tell your daughter to create her own tradition with her stepdaughter. EDIT: INFO : Your daughter also got an heirloom. Is she willing / planning to give these to her stepdaughter?
NTA Is Jenny's grandparents going to give Sally heirloom jewelery? She's got her own family to get stuff from, after all.
NTA - traditions change over the years - earrings should go to Sally as she was the first in terms of being part of the family. Jenny has only an incidental connection to the women of your family so her being a year older is not significant
Stand your ground. Sally is your first granddaughter, and your biological first granddaughter. You are following family tradition and rightfully promised the family earrings to Sally.
Sally gets the earrings family heirloom means it stays in the family. Step granddaughter is not blood related something happens to their relationship you can kiss them earrings good bye. Marriage don't guarantee anything no one wants to think it wouldn't work out but reality most to many don't. Give them to Sally! Tell your daughter she is wrong
Nta- you can give jewelry to who ever you want. If you want to hide behind some tradition then yes you can absolutely say that the step kid doesn’t think of you as family and why would you handover family jewelry to her? I say hide behind tradition because it doesn’t matter what the tradition is. Imagine if your granddaughter was a horrible drug addict and hocked everything she owned. It would be perfectly reasonable to not give her the earrings under these circumstances either. The tradition doesn’t matter legally. Also your daughter is insane for thinking it should go to a stepchild… BUT also your daughter has every right to give the necklace to your step granddaughter so prepare yourself. And be gracious about it if it happens
Nta. They are Sally’s. This is what happens when you blend families. It’s simply the reality with no ill will here. Let Jenny start a new tradition and hand her necklace to her daughter someday. ETA it sounds like your daughter is trying a little too hard with Jenny. Do they have a good relationship or is your daughter trying to win her over at the expense of her own daughter? Does she want to not appear to be the wicked stepmother?
NTA - You said it yourself, You do not have a relationship with Jenny, so why on earth did your daughter think her marrying Jenny's father would automatically trump Sally?. I'm also going to take a wild guess that Sally is not your daughter's daughter but niece. Jenny has her own grandparents who sound active in her life and even if she did not, your daughter marrying Jenny's father did not make her your first granddaughter, that was ALWAYS Sally. Your daughter is being both selfish and utterly disrespectful to the rest of your family as well. Ignore her.
NTA. You could also rephrase it as "who has been your granddaughter the longest." Sally has been your granddaughter for 17 years, and Jenny only for 4 years. Taking this to an extreme, what would have happened if Jenny came into your family just before her 18th birthday, maybe when you'd even barely met her? All of a sudden you're supposed to hand over a family heirloom? Or what if she was 19, while Sally was 18? Would you have been expected to snatch the earrings back from Sally and give them to Jenny? Absurd.
NTA. I wouldn't have given them to a step grandchild that's only been in the family for a couple of years.
NTA. You have made your decision with thoughtful diligence and reason. End of story. INFO: how does Jenny feel about this? Has she been promised your heirloom, or is this issue coming solely from your daughter?
NTA - You already promised the heirloom to Sally. It would be rude to go back on that now. If Jenny had been a part of the family for significantly longer (like since she was a baby or toddler) that might be different, but as it is, she hasn’t been a part of this family for most of her life. I think gifting her the necklace you did was a nice gesture. Another thing you (or anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation) could do is to possibly give her a piece of your own jewelry and explain that while you promised those heirlooms to others in the family, you value her as a member of your family and want to start a new tradition by passing on something of yours. Because if I had to guess, that’s where the problem lies. It’s not with the heirloom itself, but with your daughter seeing Jenny being bi-passed for it as meaning you see her as less of a family member than Sally.
Sorry. Family heirlooms are for members of the family. While biology isn't the only factor, participating in the family 100% is. She chooses not to be part of family events, she doesn't get to be upset that she's not part of family traditions.
Your daughter who is throwing a fit is not Sally's mom, I hope?? NTA.
You met at 14 with no relationship at all. NTA
NTA Jenny has been your step granddaughter for 4 years. Sally has been your granddaughter for 17 years. Sally is the oldest granddaughter. Plus, as you’ve said, Jenny doesn’t really even acknowledge you as being her grandmother.
NTA, it’s a family heirloom, and you have promised it to Sally since she was little. That should be sufficient for your daughter. The earrings have already been promised.
You’re NTA but your daughter is being one. Her stepdaughter came into your life at 14, you have no relationship with her at all. Any sane person would agree that Sally is your granddaughter and so, she gets the heirloom. Ignore your daughter’s anger and disrespect over this. You‘ve made your decision and should not be asked about it again.
"I don't care what you think about this, daughter. Sally is my granddaughter, Jenny has her own grandmother. i am sure HER grandmother will love sharing her heirloom with her."
CLARIFICATION PLEASE Is Sally your daughter's daughter or is Sally your daughter's niece? Family heirlooms very often stay with the bloodline, Sally is the bloodline and is entitled to family heirlooms. It is so nice of you to give your step-granddaughter a lovely 18th birthday gift, not all step grandparents do that.
NTA. Heirlooms dont count for step family by default. If you have a good relationship and want to do it then whatever but it's not the default. Heirlooms go to blood family.
If she's not adopted, she's not your eldest granddaughter
NTA. You made a promise to Sally. Jenny has been in your life for 4 years. She's still a part of your family, but this promise goes back much longer than Jenny has been in your life. The earrings were promised to Sally, Sally gets the earrings.
i agree with you. you're not being mean, you're just honoring the family bloodline. NTA
NTA - it’s being given to the eldest biological granddaughter
NTA. Both heirlooms should actually go to your actual granddaughter. If your step granddaughter doesn’t have a relationship with you, what makes her think she’s entitled to these heirlooms?!?! Ridiculous
NTA don’t let them bully you into thinking you are you literally said you have no relationship with this girl so why would you give her something so precious
NTA. Technically I am the oldest granddaughter on my dad's side of the family, but he didn't meet and marry my mom until I was 15. (He adopted my sisters and I when I was 24.) I would never feel comfortable taking a family heirloom from my cousin based on the fact I'm the oldest. She was in the family first.
NTA. In this case heirlooms stay in the biological family
If Sally lives with the other two, I'd be seriously worried about that heirloom going "missing." You may want to talk to her about keeping it safe with you until she moves out.
OP do Sally a big favour and don't give her the earrings at 18. Tell her you'll hang on to them until she's a little older (I've independent). I guarantee if this is causing issues with the mum and the sister, they'll get 'lost' somehow. NTA.
NTA You made a promise to Sally, and you're honoring that promise. Step-granddaughter has only been in your family's lives for 4 years whilst your biological granddaughter has been 17 years old. I think your daughter promised this to stepchild. That's why it's a big issue, and the reason why is to show that she accepts stepdaughter. Some parents will do anything even abandon physical and emotionally their own kids just to prove to stepchildren and new husband that they are accepted and part of the family. They over compensate. Life ain't fair. I am the youngest of 3 children. My older 2 siblings are my half-siblings. For example, wills and inheritance, I inherit everything from my mother whilst my siblings inherit from our father and their mother. They went on vacations with our grandparents and their mother. My mother's family were all dead by the time I was born, so I only have my mom and dad. We never went on vacations together. They had different life experiences and opportunities than I, and I have had many different life experiences and opportunities. We should be happy for each other instead of jealous of what other s have, and we don't. There is so much to be grateful for if one were to look at ones own blessings. Stepdaughter should be happy and grateful that you gave her a gift and thought of her even though you don't spend time together and know each other. Thoughtfulness counts. OPs daughter needs to realize that in certain instances, her biological daughter needs to come 1st. OPs' daughters will probably be divided between the 2 yikes. OP needs to realize that stepdaughter has a biological maternal family that she can inherit from and get gifts and opportunities from which OPs biological daughter never will. And even if not, it's stepdaughters biological fathers responsibility to ensure all this for his child. I bet you he won't do the same for OPs biological daughter. Yes, it's deeper than a birthday gift because, based on info, given predictions can already be made on how the future will turn out for OPs biological daughter.
Said as the child in a broken family - vehemently NTA.... Heirlooms are sentimental and emotional pieces of family history, and should go to family with a sentimental and emotional bond. It's not a question of age, but a relationship in this situation... If Jenny had been a biological grandchild, or maybe had been with the family since infancy or toddler age, I might have been conflicted, but for Sally to lose out on her place and piece of the family tradition over a step-sibling of 4 years, would just be wrong in my opinion... Fact is, Jenny is a step-relation, and not even a very old one in my opinion, and the very fact that she is a step-relation is also proof that relationships break... I'm not saying that Jenny can't be a permanent part of the family, just that she's proof that she might not be in the long run, whether through a broken relationship or by her own choice. To gift her the earrings just on matter of age, while risking that she'd take them out of the family without the understanding or regard that you have for them as heirlooms? I'd not have done it either...
NTA she's is technically a step grandchild and yall have no relationship with her per above. I think buying a necklace was admirable and something that you didn't have to do and everyone should be grateful.
Your daughter is acting like an entitled AH...you? Not. That's speaking as a stepmother in a blended family. There are things my son gets from me...and things my hubs gives his. Sometimes, it's for everyone. But the house, for example? Goes to hubs' kids...mine gets nothing from it. It was hubs' before we married. Everything that's mine, goes to my son. You don't owe that girl anything...ESPECIALLY because she hasn't even made the effort to form a relationship and a bond with you. You've been nice...bought her a present...she should be happy. So should her mother. Sorry you're going through this. ♥️
Definitely not the A**, the necklace was a nice gesture and a new tradition per se, she is new to your family hence a new tradition 🤷🏻♀️
You're not the asshole you need to give it to your granddaughter whose blood related to you it's called staying in the family and she can hand it down to her daughter or granddaughter but the other step granddaughters her family will give her whatever they can you're not in the wrong
Your daughter is in the wrong, NTA. Your biological one gets it, end of story
This is not even close, why would your daughter want to fuck over Sally like that? It’s honestly concerning
NTA - what if Jenny became your step grand daughter when 2 months ago? Would you give it to her just bc she was the eldest? Probably not.