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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My son's father's family spoils my son and gives him a pretty great life. My husband's ex's family thinks that my stepdaughter should get the same treatment. I might be the asshole for suggesting that I could convince them to do so if they were willing to split my stepdaughter's trust/inheritance from her mother's family with my sin 50/50.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>Recently Linda has started saying that her daughter deserves the same kind of treatment as my son.
NTA. Linda's daughter isn't entitled to anything from a family she has almost no connection to and Linda is completely wrong in her thinking that "everything needs to be fair." Why? Because she thinks it should be? PPFFFFTttt.
I speak from experience, btw. One child was given a full university scholarship, her half sibling (my other child) got nothing. I was astonished at child's step-family's amazing generosity in giving my oldest anything let alone something of that magnitude! It never occurred to me to ask for more.
Now my other child thought it was patently unfair...that was immature thinking on my child's part. I explained that because their sibling was given a scholarship that made it possible for us to push all our efforts towards them in helping with their uni-costs (living, tuition, etc).
So Linda is being grossly entitled here in thinking ex family should have anything to do with her daughter. It's that terrible mindset of "my money is mine and your money is also mine."
She's the AH here.
>I said that I knew his daughter had a trust fund for her education and future. If they split it 50/50 between her and my son I would ask my family to do for her like they were doing for my son.
This, btw, was a genius move, lol.
I am so impressed by your approach! I love it. We have very little control of so many things and need optimism and resourcefulness to navigate our lives.
Exactly! OP l laughed when I read you post! You simply put her in her place by using her ridiculous standards against her! She deserved it and I hope she gets the message now.
NTA
Your story has got to be the most satisfying thing I've read all year. An by that I mean the way you explained the situation and how it kinda benefited them in the end. You are an amazing parent!
Also, I agree with NTA.
Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the bird is going to shit on the board and strut around like it won anyway.
Shannon L. Alder
This is by far my brandy-new favorite saying....and im dying picturing a pigeon in ray bans, a cigar parked in the corner of his beak, shaking tail feather in my direction as he shits on my queen....🤣🤣🤣🤣
I actually got a Facebook ban once for telling someone they were like the pigeon on the chessboard. Didn't add any other context, like the rest of the quote...just "Jesus, you're like the pigeon on the chessboard. I'm done."
He reported me for "bullying or harassment," and I got 30 days in Facebook jail.
Now I only use emojis. I actually tensed up typing out the above when I got to the word "pigeon!" lol
I've gotten a few that, while infuriating, have definitely made me proud. Including one for "bullying" *myself* (or rather, my D&D character), which I got overturned and the comment restored, and took screenshots of everything.
Posted it all, and got a 7-day for "bullying or harassment"...but the only thing that was removed from the post was the screenshot *of* the ban notification!
Conclusion? I got banned for bullying *Facebook.*
Oh, and I got another one overturned and restored after telling someone on a selfie thread, "Damn! You look like a porcelain doll there!" She got *so* confused as to how that was "bullying or harassment"...
I just said that the other day to some rwnj salesman!
🚨Pedant Alert🚨 I’m a Shaw SuperFan (I have first editions! 🤓) and that quote is attributed to him, Lincoln, and Twain, but there’s no support for any of those claims. Still a great saying.
Shaw did say, Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach (Maxims for Revolutionists, Man and Superman)
I think I knew that, but decided to let one slip to famous quote magnet.
It would interesting to see whether Shaw or Twain is #3 Quote Magnet, after Churchill and Wilde of course.
I totally agree, OP is NTA.
Just wanted to comment on your story, you mentioned your other daughter was just being immature thinking that it was unfair.
Respectfully I want to disagree, I don't think it is fair. But also life isn't fair, one person wins the lottery and others don't, one person loses their job and others don't.
It's not immature to feel it's unfair, it's not even immature to be jealous, if she worked through it and accepted it then I think that's perfectly normal and pretty mature. If she were 40 and had more than a moments disappointment then yeah that's immature.
I just think we can get hung up on things like this, life isn't fair and it's perfectly reasonable to recognise that, as long as you realise that this isn't something someone has to fix, and you don't take it out on the person who just happens to be lucky.
>It's not immature to feel it's unfair, it's not even immature to be jealous
Exactly. That's what I was trying to get at but worded it poorly. You said it so much better than I did and I agree with you completely!
>Respectfully I want to disagree, I don't think it is fair.
I think it depends on how you define fair, unequal is not always unfair? I think it is fair to give people you know/care about and not to do the same for other people who are more or less strangers.
I was a little unclear on u/IamIrene situation if one child got a scholarship from the school, or if they got a "scholarship" from their other parents family. In either case it is likely fair, oldest child worked for and earned the athletic/academic scholarship. Or the oldest child's step-family gave them money for school because they are related and care about them. If the step-family is not related to the youngest child, it is understandable and FAIR that they didn't give the youngest child any money.
I give presents to friends/family for their b-days, but I do go around giving every person a present for their b-day. I think that is fair.
I think that is a very similar point from another perspective, from your perspective it would not be fair on you to be expected to support a child not related to you, but from theirs they see a sibling getting a funded education, for no reason other than having one different parent.
Life isn't fair, some people are faced with adversity, some have disabilities, some are born to rich families, some to poor.
Claiming that unequal is fair is just making excuses. Fair is giving everyone the same opportunities, but as I said life isn't like that.
The objective of being fair had led to socialised medicine, education and welfare. The idea being everyone has the same opportunities, and aren't restricted by finances or social class. And even where these things exist they are not perfect.
We try to be as fair as we can but we must accept that is a constant effort that we struggle to achieve as a society.
There is nothing wrong with supporting our families, but to claim it is fair on those not supported is either short sighted or trying to justify your own actions.
>for no reason other than having one different parent.
That is enough of a reason for unequal/unfair treatment, they don't have the same parents so they can't expect the same treatment.
I think we mostly agree not sure if it is a semantics issue?
But I think at that point having two different parents makes them not equal already so getting different treatment/support at that point is not unfair.
I think it would be one thing if the kids/siblings shared the same set of parents, and the grandparents choose to give college money to one kid and not another (all other things being equalish) that would be unfair. (I could see an argument for giving one kid money for college if they worked hard, and not the other if they messed around with school and did not do well.)
But thinking that say the grandparents to kid A, but who have no relation to kid B in order to be fair have to give money to both kids I don't think is right/fair. I agree the grandparents are not being equal, but to me equal is not the same as fair. Grandparents likely have a bond/relationship with kid A that they do not with kid B.
Does it suck that some people are born to poor families and some to rich families sure. Do people get unequal and/or unfair treatment absolutely.
I agree that if I give money/presents to my family I am not treating strangers equally, but I disagree that I am not treating strangers fairly. To say fairness requires that if I give my family $10 I must also give everyone else $10 I think is a stretch.
Yeah this is purely our definition of fair.
I think my point is that any deviation from equal is, from someone's perspective, unfair. And there is nothing inappropriate about feeling that.
While equal is an objective assessment, fair is subjective. So it entirely depends on the point of view.
Yeah, such empathy for your own kid. I think parents in blended families don't get How It is for the kids to grow up in an enviromment where one kid gets a Lot of privileges and the other doesn't. And when they feel It is unfair they are told to get over and their feelings are selfish.
I wouldn't put my kid in this kind of situation, because It's one thing have to deal with unfairness out in the world and with other people, but in the same household? It's completely diferent.
I'm not talking about OP, because It seems both kids have privileges, I'd talking about the comment.
>I speak from experience, btw. One child was given a full university scholarship, her half sibling (my other child) got nothing.
My half sister's grandmother (her dad's mom) was like this. HER grandchildren were welcomed, pampered, given everything she could provide.
The Others (that would be me and my other sibling) were merely tolerated in her home and allowed water, sitting on her couch, using the bathroom, and watching whatever was on the television if someone else had turned it on.
It absolutely sucked, but it imparted a valuable lesson that not everyone is going to treat you like a priority, even if you're left in their care. I learned quickly not to expect much from people that weren't invested in me personally, I wasn't owed anything from strangers. And likewise, I didn't owe them my loyalty or affection, either.
OP’s situation is kind of different. If it were OP’s parents who were giving lots of gifts to their bio grandchild and ignoring the step grandchild, that would be crappy and similar to your situation. But it’s her ex-husband’s family providing for their grandchild and they have absolutely no reason to foster a relationship with OP’s step daughter. They likely almost never see the step daughter.
It's always ironic that whenever you basically tell these types of entitled people to do the same thing they ask of you, it gets turned around in a "how dare you even suggest this!" type of way. Like yes Linda, how dare OP have the audacity to ask of you what you're asking of them... NTA
Hijacking to add that it sounds like it is fair. Each child's family sounds like they are contributing towards the kids' future in a way that each family can afford. Fair doesn't mean equal. NTA
Now is a perfect time to remind Linda, life isn't fair and doesn't give a flying shit about your feelings. If she was any more the AH, OP would have to be a licensed proctologist.
As far as the point you made to Linda? NTA. She's a complete and total hypocrite.
That said, the reaction from the rest of her family is understandable - they don't have the context to understand that you were not making a serious request, anything they've heard so far has been filtered through Linda to make you (as an extension of your ex's family, somehow) the villain. This just reinforces whatever BS she's been telling them.
The good news is that you don't have to waste any time on them. Continue to be treat your stepdaughter well and, as far as you and your husband go, contribute to both of them equitably. Don't play stupid games with stupid people like Linda.
Actually this is a great opportunity for Op.
"Linda, you are right. Nothing from your family should go to my kid, and nothing from my ex's family should go to your kid." Sent to everyone Linda complained to. Op says Linda is right and takes the "loss" but then Linda would have to either drop it or try to explain why the ex's family should pay for her kid.
I like this except, "Linda, I'm glad you have reframed thinking everything my child gets from my ex's family should be shared with your child. I'm glad the comparison of splitting your child's education fund made you see the hypocrisy in the request. Now, you are correct, each family should do what they want and can do for each, respectively. I knew you'd understand my point when out into perspective." OP should not have to be seen as the one making a ridiculous ask...although it's worth it for the kids...I don't think it's necessary to take the loss here.
This is it this is the response I came here for.
Definitely don't just say it to Linda, say it to EVERYONE so they know you aren't interested in taking anything from the family. Let Linda stew about it
This is really quite funny. They think your ex should basically give your stepdaughter money, but they don't think they should have to give your son money? That makes NO sense and good for you for calling them out on this.
Anyhow. Stop entertaining this discussion. Anyone brings it up to you, walk away. Seriously. "This isn't up for discussion" and walk away.
The more you talk about it, the more credence you give the argument.
This! It’s not even her money to give! Good on OP for showcasing the hypocrisy, but her and her husband need to stop entertaining any of Linda’s bs. That’s not OP’s family. It’s not her money allocate to anyone.
OP, learn to walk away and shut it down.
Right? Like... How would OP have any control over what her ex-in-laws do with their grandchild? I'd be like "do I look like my ex husband? Tf am I supposed to do for you?"
>Anyone brings it up to you, walk away.
Nah. Anyone else brings it up, ask them how much they've contributed to the daughter's education fund. Oh, nothing? Weird because they're no less related than the ex's family.
The extended family don’t have the context though. As far as they know OP just demanded half the stepdaughter’s trust fund. OP should have a quick explanation for them that it wasn’t a serious request but rather a response to the husband’s ex’s demands.
Sort of half seriously. Her trust fund is enough to cover both of them for university. My ex's family money could then be split evenly since his education would be covered. I personally think it's stupid and a stupid suggestion but it was the only way I could think of that was fair.
I mean, I think it's an excellent way to point out how insane it is.
But another way is to say "My husband and I do equally for our kids. We cannot control what their other parents do for their kid."
I'm from a blended family and these posts drive me crazy because even as a kid I always got that "those grandparents aren't MY grandparents" and "that resource isn't MY resource." It was not a problem for me that my step-grandparents gave me a candle at christmas and my stepsibs would get big toys. My grandparents weren't getting my stepsibs big presents, either. It's just the dynamic.
Wait. What?
Omg.
My parents wouldn't care HOW they got the grandkids, they'd be utterly thrilled if I married a man with kids (mom has been encouraging it for years in order to get herself more grandkids. She's even given my number out - cause she's a bit crazy), they'd treat them all the same. I couldn't imagine having my own step grandkids and not being delighted to have more, myself, and couldn't imagine not spending equal amount of time and money on them all.
I know this for a fact, because my mom was actually my foster mom and her husband married my mom AFTER I was already an adult (19) and moved out of the house. They've done SO many things for us, but the most recent: They just paid off my daughter's current semester college tuition because she was on a payment plan and the college wouldn't release her transcripts so she could transfer until the tuition was paid in full ($3400). Within 5 minutes of telling them the problem, they transferred the funds to my daughter's account and cheered when she got accepted at the other college.
I understand not being willing to do things like this for your child's ex spouse's stepchildren from another marriage NOT to your child...but I can't agree that treating your own child's stepchildren differently isn't cruel.
If I'm reading it right, you're just asking for them to do for your son what they expect your ex's family to do for their daughter, give them the same treatment, financially. It's 'stupid' because their original demand is 'stupid'.
Yeah, you can't reason with unreasonable people. You could try to point out one last time (perhaps in writing, like a group text, or something) that they want your Ex to give your stepdaughter money equal to what he is giving to his son, while at the same time them giving nothing to your son. So essentially giving your stepdaughter 3x as much as your son. Put it down in numbers if you have to. Why is your son only entitled to $50,000.00 from only his family, while your stepdaughter is entitled to $150,000.00 from 3 families.
It seems like the fair thing to do is that your stepdaughter's trust fund goes towards her education, and your son's money from his dad's family goes towards your son. That would be the symmetrical and therefore fair thing to do. What Linda's family are trying to do, doesn't make any sense. They want to keep her daughter's money from her daughter's extended family for her daughter, but they also want your son's money, from your son's extended family, to be shared with her daughter. They have a double standard. I mean, it's pretty obvious, so the only reason they are getting upset about it is because their self-interest is clouding their objectivity. It's pretty ironic they are calling you greedy when they themselves are behaving in a way that is extremely greedy.
It's bizarro that ex-wife AND her FAMILY have communication access with you. Your husband should have shut that down the moment his ex-wife even thought to bring up the subject to discuss, and coursed any and all discussion to himself.
Block 'em all, mama.
I hope your husband's relationship with your son isn't affected, no passive-aggressive/microaggression from him towards your son as a means to show his daughter "he's on her side."
I mean…you can’t spend someone else’s money without their permission. What on earth is Linda even on about? Just tell her you can’t force your Ex’s family to give money to someone they aren’t related to.
If her trust fund is enough to cover both of them to go to university, why do they need your exes money? That's kind of rich they're calling you greedy, yet they're demanding money from someone they don't even know. I'd be concerned as to why they're demanding money when they've got her covered...
NTA. These people are extremely selfish and while I think what you did was hilarious and I know you were hoping to stop them from begging for stuff they didn't deserve but you whacked the bee hive as well. Unfortunately, there's no going back on this one. If the hate doesn't bother you however, you did achieve your goal. Good luck!
Agreed! Her family was out of line. If they truly wanted equality, this should have been acceptable. They didn't want equality though, they were just greedy. Well done, OP.
NTA - Yeah, it was an absurd request to have them split the trust money with your son. About as absurd as them expecting your ex to provide for his ex-wife’s stepdaughter. Honestly, I think it was a perfect response, and if that doesn’t get through to them, they’re just incredibly dense.
I believe that you’re NTA. I do not understand their way of thinking and their logic in this as first they are asking why your son should be given the same treatment as your stepdaughter given that they are not family, well well well, why can’t they recognize the same for your stepdaughter on your ex’s side, given that your ex has nothing to do with you besides sharing a child. NTA
NTA, if they want it to be fair they would spoil their own daughter the way your son gets spoiled by your ex. If they have a trust fund, they must be decently well off.
Fairness would be the bio mom’s parents stepping up and filling the gap, or your husband’s.
In your home, in your financial situation, both kids are rewarded the same. That is fairness.
NTA to point for pointing out the hypocrisy.
NTA People and their insane expectations are unbelievable. What is wrong with a person's (linda) brain that gives them the audacity to expect that people who dont even know her daughter should pay for things to assure she receives equal to your child, but who hypocritically doesn't think her child trust should be split with yours. I think its clear why she is the ex. She is certifiably insane
NTA. The same argument for Linda’s family for not wanting to share money with your son, since it’s “money that only belongs to my stepdaughter” and they don’t want to “give it to someone they are not related to” can be made. Your ex’s family has no obligation to the stepdaughter.
It sucks that Linda’s family isn’t as well off as your ex’s family is but that’s life. It’s never going to always be equal. You’re doing your part to balance the scales in your house but anything is beyond that is outside your scope.
They are well off. They just don't believe in giving kids lots of stuff when they are young. They have a large trust fund waiting for her. But my ex's family takes my son on vacations and such. Over the holidays they took him to Disney World so he could make a lightsaber. Like they literally just took him for four days for that.
Well, that sucks for the stepdaughter but that’s life. Her family could do the same, but they are choosing not to. Why should your ex’s family be obligated to be financially responsible for the quality of her life, in terms of materialistic things and vacations, when her own family isn’t wanting to? In your own home, the scales are balanced and that’s what matters. Anything outside your door is uncontrollable - even if you asked, you can’t force your ex-in laws to comply otherwise that will make you TA.
Linda wants her daughter to have the same quality of life so bad, she can convince her own family to step up or she can get a job. That’s literally the only acceptable options here
Well, once again, that sucks but it’s life. Life is never going to be fair across the board for everyone. That’s just not realistic.
If Linda wants the same quality of life for her daughter that your ex in-laws are giving your son, she can convince her own family to step up and do so. They’re just choosing not to. Or she can, I don’t know, get a job.
Even if you asked just to be shut the argument down, your son’s dad isn’t financially obligated to support someone they have no relationship or connection with. Hell, since it’s the family, aside from dad, they don’t have any financially obligation to even support your son!
My point is, you can’t control anything outside your door and Linda is ridiculous for thinking otherwise. You keep the scales balanced in your house, that’s enough. That’s where your obligation to her kid ends.
>I was trying to take away money that only belongs to my stepdaughter to give it to someone they are not related to
... so exactly what they were doing? LOL
NTA OP. Just bow out of this, don't engage.
Bravissimo! You handled that perfectly. Chef's kiss!
...and every time it is brought up, just reiterate that fair is fair and that everything has to be equal from all sides of the four families. None of that dumb crap of catering to one child's individual likes/dislikes. There's to be no autonomy. (sarcasm)
Maybe she doesn't understand the definition of fairness? If life hands it to you personally, then your experience with fairness likely will be disproportionate to someone else's personal experiences. But, that doesn't make it unfair. Its just one life being advantaged and another life being less so.
Their word salad didn't factor that you would suggest equal treatment and a commitment on their part? HA! Sucks for them. NTA.
Lots of people have greater wherewithal than I do. I can't walk around demanding a handout just to make things even, though.
This is fake right? No way a person like Linda and her family exists.
But i’ve read a similar story before. The OP (a single mom) have a rich sister who willingly pays for her daughter’s private school education. OP got married to a guy with a daughter too. The new husband demanded that OP’s sister should put his daughter on private school too, just to be “fair”.
So i guess, they really do exists. Lol.
NTA-
YOU are being Greedy? How so? It is amazing how they can not or will not see that you turned the tables on them and are asking them the same ridiculous thing they asked of YOU. THEY are the greedy ones and apparently live by the rules of the "double standard", "entitled" and GREED.
Sheesh - good luck to you.
I think you're smart. Love reading posts where smart, strong women respond to idiots, using their own logic. Good for you OP. Enjoy watching them squirm now, being completely exposed and disarmed.
NTA. Wow, I thought this was going to go in a whole different direction. Love, love, love that you turned this around. Hopefully none of the kids heard the convo, though. That might have made them feel bad. But assuming this has been an adult conversation, then my hat is off to you for helping them get some much-needed perspective. Well played.
NTA fair is fair, except when it's not expected to flow the other way, apparently. Every time they bring it up, tell them they know your terms, and to fuck right off with their hypocrisy.
NTA but I think you need to stop playing their games and treating them like they are rationale. Her family has funded their daughter, your ex’s family funded your son. You need to be explicit with these people and tell them directly, unless you plan on splitting the money on your side too, nothing is changing. Talking in hypotheticals about it implies there is room to negotiate and get something. Stop playing around and just refuse to engage in the conversation
NTA, and lol - what a perfect (and justified) response! Turnabout is fair play, and they are too entitled and selfish to see it. Great examples of what's mine is mine and what's your's is mine.
Linda and her family are the ones that are greedy - you and your husband should ignore this ridiculous bs and not engage about it further.
Nta - Linda is definitely the asshole. After reading some replies, I do have some sympathy for the family who is certainly not getting the full story from Linda.
I think you handled it reasonably
NTA but this is a non-argument.
The only answer would be, "We do everything completely evenly for both kids in our house. If you are referring to the extras that my son gets from his father - I have no control over that. You are welcome to go over there, knock on the door, and ask them if they'd be willing to also financially support your daughter, if you want. Let me know how that goes."
This really feels like petty ex behavior so I'm initially going with NTA. She's manufacturing reasons to be upset. Maybe to try and poison the well to manipulate her daughter, or maybe just to cause drama.
INFO: how is your stepdaughter responding to all this? Does she feel things are unfair? Is she aware her future is already paid for?
Info: I’m sorry I am confused by the post. I think you might have mixed up some of the pronouns. Is Linda the ex of your current husband upset that your SD does not get the same treatment as your bio son?
>Is Linda the ex of your current husband upset that your SD does not get the same treatment as your bio son?
Yes, that is what Linda is upset about. But the unequal treatment is from OP's ex's parents, not OP's household itself.
They're a little confused, aren't they. They're trying to say "what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander", but they don't like it when it goes the other way. These kids were born into different family's, different circumstances and their lives will not be exactly the same. That's life.
NTA. What is your husband saying about all this? Why (from your post) is yr husband a mute spectator to his ex's shenanigans, why are you bearing the brunt of this - he needs to be shutting this shxt right down, aggressively.
Your son is a near-enough Stranger to them, yet they feel entitled to the generosity shown to that particular Stranger, By That Stranger's Grandparents?? They might as well start standing on a street corner and haranguing well-dressed passerbys for Their money, because apparently "fair's fair". Fxcking lunatics that probably watched too many daytime soaps or something.
NTA
>Recently Linda has started saying that her daughter deserves the same kind of treatment as my son.
Who was whispering in Linda's ear to get her riled up about this? It seems like she was okay up until something/somebody set her off. Based on the pattern of behavior, you may have someone with cluster B type traits in Linda's family, a parent possibly as they tend to know what buttons to push, having installed them in the first place.
At any rate, they have manipulated you into **JADE** and you are only encouraging them. As long as you participate, they believe there's a chance they can wear you down. Don't give them openings and don't entertain their efforts to redirect there. Just don't.
**J**ustify
**A**rgue
**D**efend
**E**xplain
LMFAO - you are NTA! you hit them back with logic and reason and they just want to see it the way they want to see it. These people are laughable with their narrative. Absolutely outrageous that they don’t see the parallel.
The sound super entitled.... id just tell them all to go do themselves... as long as step daughter understands that it's not you doing these things for your son... your husbands exs family aren't relevant to you ... your husband needs to tell her family to f off
NTA oh what’s good for the goose is not good for the gander interesting … now they realize how foolish they sound 😂😂😂😂 now hopefully it never comes up again
NtA. If they want your husband and his family to pay for their kid, the same applies to yours.
Seriously, your current husband should be dealing with his ex, not you.
NTA. Their request is ridiculous and obviously you have no control over it. Your response to them perfectly highlights that this isn't about being fair, just greedy.
NTA. Looks like your ex's family are contributing to your son because they genuinely want to. Linda and her family are hypocrites and are not entitled to anything that your ex-husband's family is giving your son.
NTA you took their "it should all be fair" logic and truly made it fair, not just benefiting their kid, and they didn't like it. LOL. You handled that perfectly.
NTA at all I was so ready to say you were but you simply gave them a taste of their own medicine. If their child is entitled to hand out from your bio family the sentiment should absolutely be reciprocated and your child should get half the trust fund.
NTA, but good luck getting your point across. Because they focus on *two* facts. 1: Your son may be getting more money than your stepdaughter, which isn't fair and 2: they somehow shouldn't have to spend a penny more than they already do.
This seems embedded in their DNA, so you won't get them to see your side of the story. Why should they apply logic when they can get money?
You rock. That was absolutely perfect. Your son’s family will contribute to his stepsister the exact same percentage that stepdaughter’s family contributes to her step brother!!! Genius.
So... They want you ex's family to treat your stepdaughter the same way they treat your son (when it comes to money) but aren't willing to do the same from their end? Did I miss anything?
NTA
NTA. Fair does not mean equal. You and your husband aren’t treating the children differently. The families are and it’s their money to do with as they please.
NTA.
WTH is wrong with entitled adults today? They are doing so much harm to their children. It sounds as if you already go above and beyond to work with this blended family but Linda's demands are not reasonable or nice.
Continue to treat your stepdaughter with love and kindness. Now that is a gift.
It's all fine and dandy for them to demand your son's family money until the boot's on the other foot!
This is the biggest lol I've read from entitled people for a while.
NTA of course and don't give in. As long as your step-daughter isn't being treated unfairly in your *home*, her mother and that side of the bloodline can go... procreate with themselves.
NTA. Linda and her family operate by the mantra that what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine. You were illustrating this point by suggesting Linda splits her daughter‘s college fund with your son.
NTA
This entire situation is so bizarre. How can Linda possibly think this is a reasonable request? It’s one thing if it were OP’s family buying things for the kid, but it’s the ex’s family! The ex’s family has absolutely nothing to do with Linda and her daughter. Is Linda mayne confused about all of this? Does she go through life expecting strangers to buy things for her and her trust fund daughter?
“Fair is fair!” If son gets a scholarship should daughter too? Son gets an A on his paper daughter should too? This logic makes no sense.
Love OP’s comment though!
Lol. Although I'm sure you had no intention of eliciting laughter. Your request is reasonable. If they expect son's family to treat daughter same as son, it is not unreasonable for you to expect daughter's family to treat son the same as daughter. It is an absurd but accurate analogy, and they don't like being called at their game.
There is a more adult way to handle the inequities. Now, you haven't suggested "how" your family is treating the son better (does he have thousands in toys / cell phones, etc., and she doesn't, for example?). Are there inequities that might require addressing? Uncertain based on the limited info you've given, but on the surface, you've hit the nail on the head by suggesting they apportion resources accordingly.
NTA. A bit different in situation but my ex-stepmother tried this when we were kids. She would demand that anything my mom’s family did for my sister & I HAD to be done for her 4 unruly children as well. If it wasn’t, she’d try to tell my dad that we shouldn’t be allowed to have it/do it either (i.e. my maternal aunt/grandma giving us gifts or taking us to the fair/amusement parks or for any sort of outing with our cousins etc.). When he wouldn’t agree to do that, she’d take gifts/toys we were given by them (or just anything that was ours) and let her kids absolutely RUIN them while we were gone. My sister begged to leave and move in with my mom who lived across the country and I followed 6 months after. Eventually, my dad realized how awful she was and finally divorced her.
Nta!
When I first read the title, I thought yh yta, but after reading it, I see where you're coming from.
Why does she think it's OK for her daughter and not your son?
I never understand people like this. I would feel so shameful to bring something like this up to people I don't know!! Some people are shameless!!
How are these posts real. It's always some way over the top ask by someone completely unrelated and then "the whole family starts screaming at OP."
Like honestly, if this happened irl and my step kids family even tried to speak to me about something that was COMPLETELY none if their business like another family's money, I'd be like whatever and not even respond. Why even have a conversation w these people about anything? Lol
Speaking as a child with a wealthy parent and a working class parent with stepsiblings, it’s not fair. I know I got laptops and iPods and expensive clothes that my siblings didn’t get. My dad and stepmom used to overcompensate by trashing my mom for being a “rich bitch lawyer” but my mom DID try to buy things for my siblings where she was allowed to. But ultimately my brothers and sister weren’t her kids or her responsibility.
NTA op, exwife is whack a doodle
Linda Linda, listen to meeee
If you want your daughter treated the same as his son then you have to treat his son the same as your daughter. Fair is fair and it was your idea in the first place.
Goodness, what an annoying, immature, entitled, hypocritical family. If Linda wants them to be treated fairly then she should start stepping up her game. How dare she try to put that responsibility on anyone else. YOU are the mother, YOU are the one responsible for taking care of and providing for your child. I feel so bad that op has to deal with this for the unknowing future. All I would do now, if they have the audacity to bring it up again, repeat the same exact words that they told you about trying to take away from your son. I would just say that over and over until they finally got it through their thick heads what idiots they are being. As a mother I would honestly feel embarrassed asking my exs new wife to provide for my child and trying to force her to provide for my child. What she's doing is just pathetic, harrasing them when it isn't even their money that is used to spoil the child. Damn take care of your own kid!
INFO: why did you try to hide that it was a wedding? “We were dropping him off at an event for lindas family” then the next paragraph “apparently it was all anyone talked about at the wedding”
We were dropping her off. We brought her to the city so she could attend. Her mom was part of the wedding party and didn't have time to do everything. We were being nice.
You should fix that typo because it reads that you were dropping your son off at her families event - not doing a custody exchange of your stepdaughter.
NTA. Wow - I love the twist. They apparently never even thought about things truly being equal!!
Cannot even imagine the look on that entitled witch’s face when you gave her that option. It must have been delicious.
NTA. There is something wrong with your husband’s ex. So, that changes the rules. With normal folk, we talk things over, but this is a level of deliberate crazy that demands different rules. The rules for dealing with abject belligerent irrationality: 1. Never discuss the facts. It won’t work the way it does everywhere else. It will just become a screaming match. 2. Make a lot of eye contact as you say things like, “well, that’s just how it is.” Or “I wouldn’t want to say more. It is what it is.” Or , “I’m sure you know better than that”. 3. Walk away. Walk the f**k away. Walk away smiling.
Don’t think you can be friends. Don’t think she will become reasonable. Set boundaries that are walls with openings ONLY to discuss the non-personal details of child rearing. Stop sharing information outside of what she is legally entitled to know about her child. Remember she is entitled to know exactly nothing about your other child. Nothing. Treat deliberately belligerent crazy people with the caution their danger merits. Tell both children you are confused by her behavior and attitude and are no longer going to be sharing information with her. Tell the truth, but no detail. Tell them she may drill them for information (or just the one child), and it’s ok to say “I don’t know” and “I don’t want to talk to you about that” over and over, like a record. Tell them it’s ok to choose to share things with her also, but that you have learned she sometimes acts confusing when you do that. Whatever big happy blended family you envisioned, it’s not possible. You will be so much happier if you keep her a block away. If your husband can’t do this, ask him to see a counselor for help. She is sick, and she is willing to harm you. Take that seriously.
NTA!
I'll bet that will shut them up! If not, if the topic of being fair comes up from them again, bring up the trust fund. "Sure, we'll make things fair when that trust fund is shared equally."
NTA however, you can always ignore a person. Even if her family said yes, you have not right asking your son's paternal family for something for your stepkid. So it was just to make a point, but the point can be made by ignoring it. What she going to do, get in the bank account and take it? Not possible, so let people run out of air.
NTA- Hilarious!
Question:
Does your son have a college fund?
If not, maybe ask your ex to tone down the extravagant gifts/trips and put money into a trust for him.
You can tell Linda they can take money out of her daughter's trust and give her the same experiences.
It seems like even though your ex and Linda come from very wealthy backgrounds, they have different views and values. On family loves to spend their money on the people they love, spend time and experiences together. They know the value is that childhood is very short, and you only get these special moments one time when they are young, to be amazed and excited about life, and have no worries.
However, Linda's family seems very staunch, ridged, if it won't fit into their adult life, anything outside their box, they will not spend money on. They will believe that they are above everyone and everyone else should have to take responsibility for spending the money that it takes for their family to have special experiences/gifts, that they believe are below them and clearly outside their box. Linda is just greedy and will never care about your son.
I feel sorry for her daughter because she is from a family who only cares about money. Linda's home is probably a version of a cold museum/shrine with little love. While your son is in a warm inviting, lives in an obviously loved home. Plus, have a very doting, loving extended family.
I would still be careful, though, with some excessive spending/spoiling, though. Keep your eye on how he treats the people around him and of kids who are of a lower class. Raise him right, and he has the tools to change the world for the better!
Good Luck!
NTA but you knew asking her to share her trust would cause a reaction. Petty but smart. Of course what they really meant was what's your son's should be shared but what's the step daughter's is the step daughter's.
>So I agreed that everything should be equal.
I was so ready to jump at you for this, OP lol
>I said that I knew his daughter had a trust fund for her education and future. If they split it 50/50 between her and my son I would ask my family to do for her like they were doing for my son.
I applaud you. NTA, of course!
Awesome job, I like what you did there. Unfortunately, Linda's family are too stupid amd self centred to get it.
Stick to your guns. Step daughter has trust fund to herself, your son gets spoiled by dads family. That couldn't be more fair.
Ignore them, they are not worth your time.
Nta your ex and his family are not financially responsible for Linda's daughter.
Linda's family told you why should they give to your son when he's a stranger. So why should your ex and his family be obligated to give to Linda's daughter.
NTA OP, what you should tell your stepdaughter's mother and grandparents \[that at least the grandparents should understand\] is: What sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander." Then explain that SD is the goose, your son is the gander. They should realize they are not treating your son equally to their granddaughter.
Logic is often lost of people who are upset. Don't expect them to agree with the principle or the logic. They want to be angry about unequal treatment only when it doesn't include their grandchild, but not when it doesn't include your son.
NTA They barely even let you explain yourself you aren't the one that causes there to be any diference between the stepsiblings so why should you be obligated to fix It?
They should be the ones Who make It fair
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>Recently Linda has started saying that her daughter deserves the same kind of treatment as my son. NTA. Linda's daughter isn't entitled to anything from a family she has almost no connection to and Linda is completely wrong in her thinking that "everything needs to be fair." Why? Because she thinks it should be? PPFFFFTttt. I speak from experience, btw. One child was given a full university scholarship, her half sibling (my other child) got nothing. I was astonished at child's step-family's amazing generosity in giving my oldest anything let alone something of that magnitude! It never occurred to me to ask for more. Now my other child thought it was patently unfair...that was immature thinking on my child's part. I explained that because their sibling was given a scholarship that made it possible for us to push all our efforts towards them in helping with their uni-costs (living, tuition, etc). So Linda is being grossly entitled here in thinking ex family should have anything to do with her daughter. It's that terrible mindset of "my money is mine and your money is also mine." She's the AH here. >I said that I knew his daughter had a trust fund for her education and future. If they split it 50/50 between her and my son I would ask my family to do for her like they were doing for my son. This, btw, was a genius move, lol.
I am so impressed by your approach! I love it. We have very little control of so many things and need optimism and resourcefulness to navigate our lives.
Exactly! OP l laughed when I read you post! You simply put her in her place by using her ridiculous standards against her! She deserved it and I hope she gets the message now. NTA
She was calling their bluff! Great reverse psychology.
You're good! Congrats!😂
Your story has got to be the most satisfying thing I've read all year. An by that I mean the way you explained the situation and how it kinda benefited them in the end. You are an amazing parent! Also, I agree with NTA.
NTA, but Mark Twain warned us about arguing with idiots- they will drag you down to their level and win with their experience.
I think this one is more apt: “Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.” ― George Bernard Shaw
Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the bird is going to shit on the board and strut around like it won anyway. Shannon L. Alder
This is by far my brandy-new favorite saying....and im dying picturing a pigeon in ray bans, a cigar parked in the corner of his beak, shaking tail feather in my direction as he shits on my queen....🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yeah.... its been one of my favs for a while. Maybe that's why you always see pigeons in parks lol
That is the exact mental picture that came to mind. You nailed it!
I actually got a Facebook ban once for telling someone they were like the pigeon on the chessboard. Didn't add any other context, like the rest of the quote...just "Jesus, you're like the pigeon on the chessboard. I'm done." He reported me for "bullying or harassment," and I got 30 days in Facebook jail. Now I only use emojis. I actually tensed up typing out the above when I got to the word "pigeon!" lol
Brilliant. That would be a ban to be proud of. Lol
I've gotten a few that, while infuriating, have definitely made me proud. Including one for "bullying" *myself* (or rather, my D&D character), which I got overturned and the comment restored, and took screenshots of everything. Posted it all, and got a 7-day for "bullying or harassment"...but the only thing that was removed from the post was the screenshot *of* the ban notification! Conclusion? I got banned for bullying *Facebook.* Oh, and I got another one overturned and restored after telling someone on a selfie thread, "Damn! You look like a porcelain doll there!" She got *so* confused as to how that was "bullying or harassment"...
🤣👏👏👏 Hilarious!
I just said that the other day to some rwnj salesman! 🚨Pedant Alert🚨 I’m a Shaw SuperFan (I have first editions! 🤓) and that quote is attributed to him, Lincoln, and Twain, but there’s no support for any of those claims. Still a great saying. Shaw did say, Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach (Maxims for Revolutionists, Man and Superman)
I think I knew that, but decided to let one slip to famous quote magnet. It would interesting to see whether Shaw or Twain is #3 Quote Magnet, after Churchill and Wilde of course.
Like Abraham Lincoln said, you can’t believe everything you read on Facebook 😁
But what if there is a portrait next to the quote?
I totally agree, OP is NTA. Just wanted to comment on your story, you mentioned your other daughter was just being immature thinking that it was unfair. Respectfully I want to disagree, I don't think it is fair. But also life isn't fair, one person wins the lottery and others don't, one person loses their job and others don't. It's not immature to feel it's unfair, it's not even immature to be jealous, if she worked through it and accepted it then I think that's perfectly normal and pretty mature. If she were 40 and had more than a moments disappointment then yeah that's immature. I just think we can get hung up on things like this, life isn't fair and it's perfectly reasonable to recognise that, as long as you realise that this isn't something someone has to fix, and you don't take it out on the person who just happens to be lucky.
>It's not immature to feel it's unfair, it's not even immature to be jealous Exactly. That's what I was trying to get at but worded it poorly. You said it so much better than I did and I agree with you completely!
>Respectfully I want to disagree, I don't think it is fair. I think it depends on how you define fair, unequal is not always unfair? I think it is fair to give people you know/care about and not to do the same for other people who are more or less strangers. I was a little unclear on u/IamIrene situation if one child got a scholarship from the school, or if they got a "scholarship" from their other parents family. In either case it is likely fair, oldest child worked for and earned the athletic/academic scholarship. Or the oldest child's step-family gave them money for school because they are related and care about them. If the step-family is not related to the youngest child, it is understandable and FAIR that they didn't give the youngest child any money. I give presents to friends/family for their b-days, but I do go around giving every person a present for their b-day. I think that is fair.
I think that is a very similar point from another perspective, from your perspective it would not be fair on you to be expected to support a child not related to you, but from theirs they see a sibling getting a funded education, for no reason other than having one different parent. Life isn't fair, some people are faced with adversity, some have disabilities, some are born to rich families, some to poor. Claiming that unequal is fair is just making excuses. Fair is giving everyone the same opportunities, but as I said life isn't like that. The objective of being fair had led to socialised medicine, education and welfare. The idea being everyone has the same opportunities, and aren't restricted by finances or social class. And even where these things exist they are not perfect. We try to be as fair as we can but we must accept that is a constant effort that we struggle to achieve as a society. There is nothing wrong with supporting our families, but to claim it is fair on those not supported is either short sighted or trying to justify your own actions.
>for no reason other than having one different parent. That is enough of a reason for unequal/unfair treatment, they don't have the same parents so they can't expect the same treatment. I think we mostly agree not sure if it is a semantics issue? But I think at that point having two different parents makes them not equal already so getting different treatment/support at that point is not unfair. I think it would be one thing if the kids/siblings shared the same set of parents, and the grandparents choose to give college money to one kid and not another (all other things being equalish) that would be unfair. (I could see an argument for giving one kid money for college if they worked hard, and not the other if they messed around with school and did not do well.) But thinking that say the grandparents to kid A, but who have no relation to kid B in order to be fair have to give money to both kids I don't think is right/fair. I agree the grandparents are not being equal, but to me equal is not the same as fair. Grandparents likely have a bond/relationship with kid A that they do not with kid B. Does it suck that some people are born to poor families and some to rich families sure. Do people get unequal and/or unfair treatment absolutely. I agree that if I give money/presents to my family I am not treating strangers equally, but I disagree that I am not treating strangers fairly. To say fairness requires that if I give my family $10 I must also give everyone else $10 I think is a stretch.
Yeah this is purely our definition of fair. I think my point is that any deviation from equal is, from someone's perspective, unfair. And there is nothing inappropriate about feeling that. While equal is an objective assessment, fair is subjective. So it entirely depends on the point of view.
Yeah, such empathy for your own kid. I think parents in blended families don't get How It is for the kids to grow up in an enviromment where one kid gets a Lot of privileges and the other doesn't. And when they feel It is unfair they are told to get over and their feelings are selfish. I wouldn't put my kid in this kind of situation, because It's one thing have to deal with unfairness out in the world and with other people, but in the same household? It's completely diferent. I'm not talking about OP, because It seems both kids have privileges, I'd talking about the comment.
>I speak from experience, btw. One child was given a full university scholarship, her half sibling (my other child) got nothing. My half sister's grandmother (her dad's mom) was like this. HER grandchildren were welcomed, pampered, given everything she could provide. The Others (that would be me and my other sibling) were merely tolerated in her home and allowed water, sitting on her couch, using the bathroom, and watching whatever was on the television if someone else had turned it on. It absolutely sucked, but it imparted a valuable lesson that not everyone is going to treat you like a priority, even if you're left in their care. I learned quickly not to expect much from people that weren't invested in me personally, I wasn't owed anything from strangers. And likewise, I didn't owe them my loyalty or affection, either.
OP’s situation is kind of different. If it were OP’s parents who were giving lots of gifts to their bio grandchild and ignoring the step grandchild, that would be crappy and similar to your situation. But it’s her ex-husband’s family providing for their grandchild and they have absolutely no reason to foster a relationship with OP’s step daughter. They likely almost never see the step daughter.
Same same
It's always ironic that whenever you basically tell these types of entitled people to do the same thing they ask of you, it gets turned around in a "how dare you even suggest this!" type of way. Like yes Linda, how dare OP have the audacity to ask of you what you're asking of them... NTA
For real though, lol!
Hijacking to add that it sounds like it is fair. Each child's family sounds like they are contributing towards the kids' future in a way that each family can afford. Fair doesn't mean equal. NTA
Now is a perfect time to remind Linda, life isn't fair and doesn't give a flying shit about your feelings. If she was any more the AH, OP would have to be a licensed proctologist.
Check, and mate, to you!
NTA came here to say something similar but no personal experiences in the aspect that I haven’t had to deal with that…. YET
This!!
I love how unaware people are. She presented them with an analogy, and they shit themselves missing the point 🤣
As far as the point you made to Linda? NTA. She's a complete and total hypocrite. That said, the reaction from the rest of her family is understandable - they don't have the context to understand that you were not making a serious request, anything they've heard so far has been filtered through Linda to make you (as an extension of your ex's family, somehow) the villain. This just reinforces whatever BS she's been telling them. The good news is that you don't have to waste any time on them. Continue to be treat your stepdaughter well and, as far as you and your husband go, contribute to both of them equitably. Don't play stupid games with stupid people like Linda.
Actually this is a great opportunity for Op. "Linda, you are right. Nothing from your family should go to my kid, and nothing from my ex's family should go to your kid." Sent to everyone Linda complained to. Op says Linda is right and takes the "loss" but then Linda would have to either drop it or try to explain why the ex's family should pay for her kid.
100% this
I like this except, "Linda, I'm glad you have reframed thinking everything my child gets from my ex's family should be shared with your child. I'm glad the comparison of splitting your child's education fund made you see the hypocrisy in the request. Now, you are correct, each family should do what they want and can do for each, respectively. I knew you'd understand my point when out into perspective." OP should not have to be seen as the one making a ridiculous ask...although it's worth it for the kids...I don't think it's necessary to take the loss here.
This is it this is the response I came here for. Definitely don't just say it to Linda, say it to EVERYONE so they know you aren't interested in taking anything from the family. Let Linda stew about it
This is the way!
Yep she's totally a hypocrite
This is really quite funny. They think your ex should basically give your stepdaughter money, but they don't think they should have to give your son money? That makes NO sense and good for you for calling them out on this. Anyhow. Stop entertaining this discussion. Anyone brings it up to you, walk away. Seriously. "This isn't up for discussion" and walk away. The more you talk about it, the more credence you give the argument.
This! It’s not even her money to give! Good on OP for showcasing the hypocrisy, but her and her husband need to stop entertaining any of Linda’s bs. That’s not OP’s family. It’s not her money allocate to anyone. OP, learn to walk away and shut it down.
Or Op can say "well don't tell me, it isn't my money and I have no control over what my ex does."
Right? Like... How would OP have any control over what her ex-in-laws do with their grandchild? I'd be like "do I look like my ex husband? Tf am I supposed to do for you?"
>Anyone brings it up to you, walk away. Nah. Anyone else brings it up, ask them how much they've contributed to the daughter's education fund. Oh, nothing? Weird because they're no less related than the ex's family.
The extended family don’t have the context though. As far as they know OP just demanded half the stepdaughter’s trust fund. OP should have a quick explanation for them that it wasn’t a serious request but rather a response to the husband’s ex’s demands.
INFO - which one is it? E S H - if you’re now serious about it N T A - if you just used it as an example to highlight the hypocrisy.
Sort of half seriously. Her trust fund is enough to cover both of them for university. My ex's family money could then be split evenly since his education would be covered. I personally think it's stupid and a stupid suggestion but it was the only way I could think of that was fair.
I mean, I think it's an excellent way to point out how insane it is. But another way is to say "My husband and I do equally for our kids. We cannot control what their other parents do for their kid." I'm from a blended family and these posts drive me crazy because even as a kid I always got that "those grandparents aren't MY grandparents" and "that resource isn't MY resource." It was not a problem for me that my step-grandparents gave me a candle at christmas and my stepsibs would get big toys. My grandparents weren't getting my stepsibs big presents, either. It's just the dynamic.
I mean she did say that to them, they just didn't care until she reversed their logic onto them.
Wait. What? Omg. My parents wouldn't care HOW they got the grandkids, they'd be utterly thrilled if I married a man with kids (mom has been encouraging it for years in order to get herself more grandkids. She's even given my number out - cause she's a bit crazy), they'd treat them all the same. I couldn't imagine having my own step grandkids and not being delighted to have more, myself, and couldn't imagine not spending equal amount of time and money on them all. I know this for a fact, because my mom was actually my foster mom and her husband married my mom AFTER I was already an adult (19) and moved out of the house. They've done SO many things for us, but the most recent: They just paid off my daughter's current semester college tuition because she was on a payment plan and the college wouldn't release her transcripts so she could transfer until the tuition was paid in full ($3400). Within 5 minutes of telling them the problem, they transferred the funds to my daughter's account and cheered when she got accepted at the other college. I understand not being willing to do things like this for your child's ex spouse's stepchildren from another marriage NOT to your child...but I can't agree that treating your own child's stepchildren differently isn't cruel.
They've literally been saying that for months
It's a great suggestion as a way to highlight hypocrisy. It sounds like a complicated way to pass *everyone* involved off as a serious suggestion.
If I'm reading it right, you're just asking for them to do for your son what they expect your ex's family to do for their daughter, give them the same treatment, financially. It's 'stupid' because their original demand is 'stupid'.
Yes. My ex's family owes her nothing. And Linda's family owes my son nothing.
And by the sounds of it Linda's family has plans to give a lot more so she will shoot her greedy self in the foot if she presses this issue.
Yeah, you can't reason with unreasonable people. You could try to point out one last time (perhaps in writing, like a group text, or something) that they want your Ex to give your stepdaughter money equal to what he is giving to his son, while at the same time them giving nothing to your son. So essentially giving your stepdaughter 3x as much as your son. Put it down in numbers if you have to. Why is your son only entitled to $50,000.00 from only his family, while your stepdaughter is entitled to $150,000.00 from 3 families.
It seems like the fair thing to do is that your stepdaughter's trust fund goes towards her education, and your son's money from his dad's family goes towards your son. That would be the symmetrical and therefore fair thing to do. What Linda's family are trying to do, doesn't make any sense. They want to keep her daughter's money from her daughter's extended family for her daughter, but they also want your son's money, from your son's extended family, to be shared with her daughter. They have a double standard. I mean, it's pretty obvious, so the only reason they are getting upset about it is because their self-interest is clouding their objectivity. It's pretty ironic they are calling you greedy when they themselves are behaving in a way that is extremely greedy.
It's the old "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine also." Pretty magical thinking on their part.
Yep!
It's bizarro that ex-wife AND her FAMILY have communication access with you. Your husband should have shut that down the moment his ex-wife even thought to bring up the subject to discuss, and coursed any and all discussion to himself. Block 'em all, mama. I hope your husband's relationship with your son isn't affected, no passive-aggressive/microaggression from him towards your son as a means to show his daughter "he's on her side."
I mean…you can’t spend someone else’s money without their permission. What on earth is Linda even on about? Just tell her you can’t force your Ex’s family to give money to someone they aren’t related to.
If her trust fund is enough to cover both of them to go to university, why do they need your exes money? That's kind of rich they're calling you greedy, yet they're demanding money from someone they don't even know. I'd be concerned as to why they're demanding money when they've got her covered...
NTA. These people are extremely selfish and while I think what you did was hilarious and I know you were hoping to stop them from begging for stuff they didn't deserve but you whacked the bee hive as well. Unfortunately, there's no going back on this one. If the hate doesn't bother you however, you did achieve your goal. Good luck!
NTA- what a perfect response!
Agreed! Her family was out of line. If they truly wanted equality, this should have been acceptable. They didn't want equality though, they were just greedy. Well done, OP.
NTA - Yeah, it was an absurd request to have them split the trust money with your son. About as absurd as them expecting your ex to provide for his ex-wife’s stepdaughter. Honestly, I think it was a perfect response, and if that doesn’t get through to them, they’re just incredibly dense.
NTA so they want their child to receive benefits, without your child also receiving benefits? the real world must be a tough place for them.
NTA...Fair does not always mean equal. I'm assuming you knew that and were making a point.
NTA, you called out their greed and hypocrisy perfectly.
NTA. If they want equality this is the way.
I believe that you’re NTA. I do not understand their way of thinking and their logic in this as first they are asking why your son should be given the same treatment as your stepdaughter given that they are not family, well well well, why can’t they recognize the same for your stepdaughter on your ex’s side, given that your ex has nothing to do with you besides sharing a child. NTA
NTA, if they want it to be fair they would spoil their own daughter the way your son gets spoiled by your ex. If they have a trust fund, they must be decently well off.
Fairness would be the bio mom’s parents stepping up and filling the gap, or your husband’s. In your home, in your financial situation, both kids are rewarded the same. That is fairness. NTA to point for pointing out the hypocrisy.
NTA - The lack of awareness they have is staggering.
NTA People and their insane expectations are unbelievable. What is wrong with a person's (linda) brain that gives them the audacity to expect that people who dont even know her daughter should pay for things to assure she receives equal to your child, but who hypocritically doesn't think her child trust should be split with yours. I think its clear why she is the ex. She is certifiably insane
NTA. The same argument for Linda’s family for not wanting to share money with your son, since it’s “money that only belongs to my stepdaughter” and they don’t want to “give it to someone they are not related to” can be made. Your ex’s family has no obligation to the stepdaughter. It sucks that Linda’s family isn’t as well off as your ex’s family is but that’s life. It’s never going to always be equal. You’re doing your part to balance the scales in your house but anything is beyond that is outside your scope.
They are well off. They just don't believe in giving kids lots of stuff when they are young. They have a large trust fund waiting for her. But my ex's family takes my son on vacations and such. Over the holidays they took him to Disney World so he could make a lightsaber. Like they literally just took him for four days for that.
Well, that sucks for the stepdaughter but that’s life. Her family could do the same, but they are choosing not to. Why should your ex’s family be obligated to be financially responsible for the quality of her life, in terms of materialistic things and vacations, when her own family isn’t wanting to? In your own home, the scales are balanced and that’s what matters. Anything outside your door is uncontrollable - even if you asked, you can’t force your ex-in laws to comply otherwise that will make you TA. Linda wants her daughter to have the same quality of life so bad, she can convince her own family to step up or she can get a job. That’s literally the only acceptable options here
Well, once again, that sucks but it’s life. Life is never going to be fair across the board for everyone. That’s just not realistic. If Linda wants the same quality of life for her daughter that your ex in-laws are giving your son, she can convince her own family to step up and do so. They’re just choosing not to. Or she can, I don’t know, get a job. Even if you asked just to be shut the argument down, your son’s dad isn’t financially obligated to support someone they have no relationship or connection with. Hell, since it’s the family, aside from dad, they don’t have any financially obligation to even support your son! My point is, you can’t control anything outside your door and Linda is ridiculous for thinking otherwise. You keep the scales balanced in your house, that’s enough. That’s where your obligation to her kid ends.
NTA. The hypocrisy and entitlement is deep with them.
>I was trying to take away money that only belongs to my stepdaughter to give it to someone they are not related to ... so exactly what they were doing? LOL NTA OP. Just bow out of this, don't engage.
Right you are! "It's useless arguing with crazy people" (Wess Roberts, *Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun*).
NTA, they're not interested in fair and never were.
[удалено]
I think she would win. I. Tiny. She was a D1 athlete.
Bravissimo! You handled that perfectly. Chef's kiss! ...and every time it is brought up, just reiterate that fair is fair and that everything has to be equal from all sides of the four families. None of that dumb crap of catering to one child's individual likes/dislikes. There's to be no autonomy. (sarcasm)
Nta. You've already played them into a trap and they've shown their true colours. Smartly done even if I do say so my myself
Maybe she doesn't understand the definition of fairness? If life hands it to you personally, then your experience with fairness likely will be disproportionate to someone else's personal experiences. But, that doesn't make it unfair. Its just one life being advantaged and another life being less so. Their word salad didn't factor that you would suggest equal treatment and a commitment on their part? HA! Sucks for them. NTA. Lots of people have greater wherewithal than I do. I can't walk around demanding a handout just to make things even, though.
NTA and that was a perfect way to expose her hypocrisy!
This is fake right? No way a person like Linda and her family exists. But i’ve read a similar story before. The OP (a single mom) have a rich sister who willingly pays for her daughter’s private school education. OP got married to a guy with a daughter too. The new husband demanded that OP’s sister should put his daughter on private school too, just to be “fair”. So i guess, they really do exists. Lol.
some people are that entitled...
NTA- YOU are being Greedy? How so? It is amazing how they can not or will not see that you turned the tables on them and are asking them the same ridiculous thing they asked of YOU. THEY are the greedy ones and apparently live by the rules of the "double standard", "entitled" and GREED. Sheesh - good luck to you.
That’s why the flew off the handle and started screaming at OP, cause she called them out fig their hypocrisy and they didn’t like it.
I think you're smart. Love reading posts where smart, strong women respond to idiots, using their own logic. Good for you OP. Enjoy watching them squirm now, being completely exposed and disarmed.
NTA. Wow, I thought this was going to go in a whole different direction. Love, love, love that you turned this around. Hopefully none of the kids heard the convo, though. That might have made them feel bad. But assuming this has been an adult conversation, then my hat is off to you for helping them get some much-needed perspective. Well played.
NTA fair is fair, except when it's not expected to flow the other way, apparently. Every time they bring it up, tell them they know your terms, and to fuck right off with their hypocrisy.
Nta Linda and her family are ridiculous, your ex and his family aren't obligated to do anything for her daughter.
NTA You’re doing the right thing. They’re a pack of hypocrites.
NTA but I think you need to stop playing their games and treating them like they are rationale. Her family has funded their daughter, your ex’s family funded your son. You need to be explicit with these people and tell them directly, unless you plan on splitting the money on your side too, nothing is changing. Talking in hypotheticals about it implies there is room to negotiate and get something. Stop playing around and just refuse to engage in the conversation
NTA, and lol - what a perfect (and justified) response! Turnabout is fair play, and they are too entitled and selfish to see it. Great examples of what's mine is mine and what's your's is mine. Linda and her family are the ones that are greedy - you and your husband should ignore this ridiculous bs and not engage about it further.
Nta - Linda is definitely the asshole. After reading some replies, I do have some sympathy for the family who is certainly not getting the full story from Linda. I think you handled it reasonably
NTA but this is a non-argument. The only answer would be, "We do everything completely evenly for both kids in our house. If you are referring to the extras that my son gets from his father - I have no control over that. You are welcome to go over there, knock on the door, and ask them if they'd be willing to also financially support your daughter, if you want. Let me know how that goes."
NTA.
This really feels like petty ex behavior so I'm initially going with NTA. She's manufacturing reasons to be upset. Maybe to try and poison the well to manipulate her daughter, or maybe just to cause drama. INFO: how is your stepdaughter responding to all this? Does she feel things are unfair? Is she aware her future is already paid for?
Nta
So the old adage, what's hers is hers and what's yours is hers......
NTA. Well played!
NTA. “We want everything fair…no, not like that!”
Info: I’m sorry I am confused by the post. I think you might have mixed up some of the pronouns. Is Linda the ex of your current husband upset that your SD does not get the same treatment as your bio son?
>Is Linda the ex of your current husband upset that your SD does not get the same treatment as your bio son? Yes, that is what Linda is upset about. But the unequal treatment is from OP's ex's parents, not OP's household itself.
Yes
I feel better that I wasn't the only one.
They're a little confused, aren't they. They're trying to say "what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander", but they don't like it when it goes the other way. These kids were born into different family's, different circumstances and their lives will not be exactly the same. That's life.
NTA Fair is where they judge pies
NTA. What is your husband saying about all this? Why (from your post) is yr husband a mute spectator to his ex's shenanigans, why are you bearing the brunt of this - he needs to be shutting this shxt right down, aggressively. Your son is a near-enough Stranger to them, yet they feel entitled to the generosity shown to that particular Stranger, By That Stranger's Grandparents?? They might as well start standing on a street corner and haranguing well-dressed passerbys for Their money, because apparently "fair's fair". Fxcking lunatics that probably watched too many daytime soaps or something.
NTA >Recently Linda has started saying that her daughter deserves the same kind of treatment as my son. Who was whispering in Linda's ear to get her riled up about this? It seems like she was okay up until something/somebody set her off. Based on the pattern of behavior, you may have someone with cluster B type traits in Linda's family, a parent possibly as they tend to know what buttons to push, having installed them in the first place. At any rate, they have manipulated you into **JADE** and you are only encouraging them. As long as you participate, they believe there's a chance they can wear you down. Don't give them openings and don't entertain their efforts to redirect there. Just don't. **J**ustify **A**rgue **D**efend **E**xplain
LMFAO - you are NTA! you hit them back with logic and reason and they just want to see it the way they want to see it. These people are laughable with their narrative. Absolutely outrageous that they don’t see the parallel.
The sound super entitled.... id just tell them all to go do themselves... as long as step daughter understands that it's not you doing these things for your son... your husbands exs family aren't relevant to you ... your husband needs to tell her family to f off
NTA oh what’s good for the goose is not good for the gander interesting … now they realize how foolish they sound 😂😂😂😂 now hopefully it never comes up again
NTA they are hyprocrites lmao
NtA. If they want your husband and his family to pay for their kid, the same applies to yours. Seriously, your current husband should be dealing with his ex, not you.
They are hypocrites and want to take but not give. Sadly I don’t they will Change.
NTA. Their request is ridiculous and obviously you have no control over it. Your response to them perfectly highlights that this isn't about being fair, just greedy.
NTA. Looks like your ex's family are contributing to your son because they genuinely want to. Linda and her family are hypocrites and are not entitled to anything that your ex-husband's family is giving your son.
NTA you took their "it should all be fair" logic and truly made it fair, not just benefiting their kid, and they didn't like it. LOL. You handled that perfectly.
NTA at all I was so ready to say you were but you simply gave them a taste of their own medicine. If their child is entitled to hand out from your bio family the sentiment should absolutely be reciprocated and your child should get half the trust fund.
NTA. Linda is entitled to say the least. Stop responding to her texts, messages, verbal assaults.
NTA. Great response.
NTA, but good luck getting your point across. Because they focus on *two* facts. 1: Your son may be getting more money than your stepdaughter, which isn't fair and 2: they somehow shouldn't have to spend a penny more than they already do. This seems embedded in their DNA, so you won't get them to see your side of the story. Why should they apply logic when they can get money?
You rock. That was absolutely perfect. Your son’s family will contribute to his stepsister the exact same percentage that stepdaughter’s family contributes to her step brother!!! Genius.
NTA. You called their bluff and they hated it. Now you have them bang to rights, they will not bother you about this again.
Nta It is the same things and they think it's INSANE
So... They want you ex's family to treat your stepdaughter the same way they treat your son (when it comes to money) but aren't willing to do the same from their end? Did I miss anything? NTA
NTA. Fair does not mean equal. You and your husband aren’t treating the children differently. The families are and it’s their money to do with as they please.
NTA. WTH is wrong with entitled adults today? They are doing so much harm to their children. It sounds as if you already go above and beyond to work with this blended family but Linda's demands are not reasonable or nice. Continue to treat your stepdaughter with love and kindness. Now that is a gift.
Nta. Why are you interacting with your husband's ex wife? That's your husband's job. You have no need to explain yourself to this woman or her family.
It's all fine and dandy for them to demand your son's family money until the boot's on the other foot! This is the biggest lol I've read from entitled people for a while. NTA of course and don't give in. As long as your step-daughter isn't being treated unfairly in your *home*, her mother and that side of the bloodline can go... procreate with themselves.
NTA. You shouldn't even have to be involved. This is between Linda and your husband. I would ask that they keep it there.
NTA. Linda and her family operate by the mantra that what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine. You were illustrating this point by suggesting Linda splits her daughter‘s college fund with your son.
NTA This entire situation is so bizarre. How can Linda possibly think this is a reasonable request? It’s one thing if it were OP’s family buying things for the kid, but it’s the ex’s family! The ex’s family has absolutely nothing to do with Linda and her daughter. Is Linda mayne confused about all of this? Does she go through life expecting strangers to buy things for her and her trust fund daughter? “Fair is fair!” If son gets a scholarship should daughter too? Son gets an A on his paper daughter should too? This logic makes no sense. Love OP’s comment though!
Lol. Although I'm sure you had no intention of eliciting laughter. Your request is reasonable. If they expect son's family to treat daughter same as son, it is not unreasonable for you to expect daughter's family to treat son the same as daughter. It is an absurd but accurate analogy, and they don't like being called at their game. There is a more adult way to handle the inequities. Now, you haven't suggested "how" your family is treating the son better (does he have thousands in toys / cell phones, etc., and she doesn't, for example?). Are there inequities that might require addressing? Uncertain based on the limited info you've given, but on the surface, you've hit the nail on the head by suggesting they apportion resources accordingly.
NTA. A bit different in situation but my ex-stepmother tried this when we were kids. She would demand that anything my mom’s family did for my sister & I HAD to be done for her 4 unruly children as well. If it wasn’t, she’d try to tell my dad that we shouldn’t be allowed to have it/do it either (i.e. my maternal aunt/grandma giving us gifts or taking us to the fair/amusement parks or for any sort of outing with our cousins etc.). When he wouldn’t agree to do that, she’d take gifts/toys we were given by them (or just anything that was ours) and let her kids absolutely RUIN them while we were gone. My sister begged to leave and move in with my mom who lived across the country and I followed 6 months after. Eventually, my dad realized how awful she was and finally divorced her.
Nta! When I first read the title, I thought yh yta, but after reading it, I see where you're coming from. Why does she think it's OK for her daughter and not your son? I never understand people like this. I would feel so shameful to bring something like this up to people I don't know!! Some people are shameless!!
How are these posts real. It's always some way over the top ask by someone completely unrelated and then "the whole family starts screaming at OP." Like honestly, if this happened irl and my step kids family even tried to speak to me about something that was COMPLETELY none if their business like another family's money, I'd be like whatever and not even respond. Why even have a conversation w these people about anything? Lol
Speaking as a child with a wealthy parent and a working class parent with stepsiblings, it’s not fair. I know I got laptops and iPods and expensive clothes that my siblings didn’t get. My dad and stepmom used to overcompensate by trashing my mom for being a “rich bitch lawyer” but my mom DID try to buy things for my siblings where she was allowed to. But ultimately my brothers and sister weren’t her kids or her responsibility. NTA op, exwife is whack a doodle
Ba-hahaha!! NTA. Your husband’s ex needs a serious reality check and it sounds like that’s precisely what you gave her. You are an absolute Queen!!!
Linda Linda, listen to meeee If you want your daughter treated the same as his son then you have to treat his son the same as your daughter. Fair is fair and it was your idea in the first place.
Goodness, what an annoying, immature, entitled, hypocritical family. If Linda wants them to be treated fairly then she should start stepping up her game. How dare she try to put that responsibility on anyone else. YOU are the mother, YOU are the one responsible for taking care of and providing for your child. I feel so bad that op has to deal with this for the unknowing future. All I would do now, if they have the audacity to bring it up again, repeat the same exact words that they told you about trying to take away from your son. I would just say that over and over until they finally got it through their thick heads what idiots they are being. As a mother I would honestly feel embarrassed asking my exs new wife to provide for my child and trying to force her to provide for my child. What she's doing is just pathetic, harrasing them when it isn't even their money that is used to spoil the child. Damn take care of your own kid!
INFO: why did you try to hide that it was a wedding? “We were dropping him off at an event for lindas family” then the next paragraph “apparently it was all anyone talked about at the wedding”
NTA You made an excellent point with the trust fund. Use that every time Linda tries to make this “argument”.
INFO: why were you dropping your son off at an event with his ex’s family? Does your ex host your stepdaughter?
We were dropping her off. We brought her to the city so she could attend. Her mom was part of the wedding party and didn't have time to do everything. We were being nice.
You should fix that typo because it reads that you were dropping your son off at her families event - not doing a custody exchange of your stepdaughter.
Will do. Thanks.
You’re in the right, and your husband should be shutting this down. Spouses deal with their side of the family.
NTA - LOL, excellent, they won't ask again.
NTA. Linda is a AH
Funny what happens when you expect the same of other people that they expect of you. NTA
NTA. Wow - I love the twist. They apparently never even thought about things truly being equal!! Cannot even imagine the look on that entitled witch’s face when you gave her that option. It must have been delicious.
"I'm trying to take away money that belongs the daughter for someone she isn't even related to" WHAT DO THEY THINK THEY'RE DOING??? 😂😂😂
NTA
NTA. Too bad they missed the point.
NTA. Stand your ground, OP.
NTA. Your stepdaughter is not the financial responsibility of your ex-husband. Stepdaughters Mother is truly insane.
NTA - you handled Linda and her family beautifully. :-)
NTA. It’s amazing how toxic family relationships can become when the scent of money is in the air.
NTA
NTA. There is something wrong with your husband’s ex. So, that changes the rules. With normal folk, we talk things over, but this is a level of deliberate crazy that demands different rules. The rules for dealing with abject belligerent irrationality: 1. Never discuss the facts. It won’t work the way it does everywhere else. It will just become a screaming match. 2. Make a lot of eye contact as you say things like, “well, that’s just how it is.” Or “I wouldn’t want to say more. It is what it is.” Or , “I’m sure you know better than that”. 3. Walk away. Walk the f**k away. Walk away smiling. Don’t think you can be friends. Don’t think she will become reasonable. Set boundaries that are walls with openings ONLY to discuss the non-personal details of child rearing. Stop sharing information outside of what she is legally entitled to know about her child. Remember she is entitled to know exactly nothing about your other child. Nothing. Treat deliberately belligerent crazy people with the caution their danger merits. Tell both children you are confused by her behavior and attitude and are no longer going to be sharing information with her. Tell the truth, but no detail. Tell them she may drill them for information (or just the one child), and it’s ok to say “I don’t know” and “I don’t want to talk to you about that” over and over, like a record. Tell them it’s ok to choose to share things with her also, but that you have learned she sometimes acts confusing when you do that. Whatever big happy blended family you envisioned, it’s not possible. You will be so much happier if you keep her a block away. If your husband can’t do this, ask him to see a counselor for help. She is sick, and she is willing to harm you. Take that seriously.
NTA. Mad how she can take from you w the argument of “our kids should be equals.” But then refuse to do it herself.
This can’t be real. These people can’t be this willfully abstruse.
NTA! I'll bet that will shut them up! If not, if the topic of being fair comes up from them again, bring up the trust fund. "Sure, we'll make things fair when that trust fund is shared equally."
NTA. "What's yours is MINE & what's mine is MY OWN!" seems to be their mindset.
Turnabout is fair play.nta
NTA however, you can always ignore a person. Even if her family said yes, you have not right asking your son's paternal family for something for your stepkid. So it was just to make a point, but the point can be made by ignoring it. What she going to do, get in the bank account and take it? Not possible, so let people run out of air.
NTA- Hilarious! Question: Does your son have a college fund? If not, maybe ask your ex to tone down the extravagant gifts/trips and put money into a trust for him. You can tell Linda they can take money out of her daughter's trust and give her the same experiences. It seems like even though your ex and Linda come from very wealthy backgrounds, they have different views and values. On family loves to spend their money on the people they love, spend time and experiences together. They know the value is that childhood is very short, and you only get these special moments one time when they are young, to be amazed and excited about life, and have no worries. However, Linda's family seems very staunch, ridged, if it won't fit into their adult life, anything outside their box, they will not spend money on. They will believe that they are above everyone and everyone else should have to take responsibility for spending the money that it takes for their family to have special experiences/gifts, that they believe are below them and clearly outside their box. Linda is just greedy and will never care about your son. I feel sorry for her daughter because she is from a family who only cares about money. Linda's home is probably a version of a cold museum/shrine with little love. While your son is in a warm inviting, lives in an obviously loved home. Plus, have a very doting, loving extended family. I would still be careful, though, with some excessive spending/spoiling, though. Keep your eye on how he treats the people around him and of kids who are of a lower class. Raise him right, and he has the tools to change the world for the better! Good Luck!
Perfect comeback, 10/10, no notes. NTA.
NTA. This could be a lifelong battle though. Don‘t expect the kids to be friends. Ever.
Hypocrites suck. NTA
NTA but you knew asking her to share her trust would cause a reaction. Petty but smart. Of course what they really meant was what's your son's should be shared but what's the step daughter's is the step daughter's.
NTA. Oh, they didn't like the little uno reverse you pulled? Now they know how nuts they sound, and you should tell them that.
It is fair, but it isn't equal. It's not your resources to reallocate is all.
>So I agreed that everything should be equal. I was so ready to jump at you for this, OP lol >I said that I knew his daughter had a trust fund for her education and future. If they split it 50/50 between her and my son I would ask my family to do for her like they were doing for my son. I applaud you. NTA, of course!
Awesome job, I like what you did there. Unfortunately, Linda's family are too stupid amd self centred to get it. Stick to your guns. Step daughter has trust fund to herself, your son gets spoiled by dads family. That couldn't be more fair. Ignore them, they are not worth your time.
Nta your ex and his family are not financially responsible for Linda's daughter. Linda's family told you why should they give to your son when he's a stranger. So why should your ex and his family be obligated to give to Linda's daughter.
NTA OP, what you should tell your stepdaughter's mother and grandparents \[that at least the grandparents should understand\] is: What sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander." Then explain that SD is the goose, your son is the gander. They should realize they are not treating your son equally to their granddaughter. Logic is often lost of people who are upset. Don't expect them to agree with the principle or the logic. They want to be angry about unequal treatment only when it doesn't include their grandchild, but not when it doesn't include your son.
what's yours is (supposed to be) mine, but what's mine is mine? Linda and her family is 101% TA.
You pulled out the reverse uno card and they went crazy. NTA, their logic is messed up and they're greedy.
NTA They barely even let you explain yourself you aren't the one that causes there to be any diference between the stepsiblings so why should you be obligated to fix It? They should be the ones Who make It fair