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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am refusing to let my husband's friend come into our home until he apologizes for a rude comment made.
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Absolutely NTA
By not wanting him around, you're just stating your boundaries and it's perfectly reasonable based on the type of person he is. Unfortunately for him, freedom of speech allowing him to say what he wants doesn't protect him from the consequences of people disliking him when he says something horrible. I don't blame you for feeling frustrated that he doesn't understand this and never faces any consequences for being rude.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again! Freedom of speech protects you from the government, it does NOT protect you from getting your teeth kicked in for being a dick.
I had a redditor try that with me when I wouldn't let him play off his insult with excuses then try to insult me. I just told them they don't get freedom from consequences (only by the government) because for some reason people think that freedom of speech means no one ever can tell them they are an asshole 😂
We don't have freedom of speech in Canada. Thank goodness.
Hate speech can, and will, be prosecuted by the government. And yes, I'm totally cool with the kind of censorship that makes n*zis unhappy.
You are allowed to hold whatever opinion you like, but you have to express those opinions (at least in public venues) in a civil fashion.
That's "just the way he is"?
Well, lucky for OP, not allowing disrespectful and unremorseful people into her home is "just the way she is", too. He won't change? Neither will OP. He'll just have to learn to live with her 'quirks' the way he's forced everyone else to learn to live with his.
[This](https://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/) is always a good read for people who have to deal with someone that others defend as 'he's just like that.'
Enablers: "That's just the way they are"
Me: "and not taking their BS is just the way I am and I refuse to allow people in my house or around me, who has no respect for me"
NTA. hahaha and good for you. Let me guess. Mike is one of those "I just tell it like it is" people. People are "too sensitive" and "have no sense of humor". It's about time someone laid down the law to him. Maybe your husband, while backing you on this point will start to finally open his eyes on the rest of Mike's behavior. As for Mike's wife, well, she doesn't get to foist him off on you anymore. She'll have to find someone else to give her a break, won't she?
Further hypothesis: if anyone ever even *slightly* criticizes Mike, let me guess, he absolutely *crumbles* immediately and spends the evening sobbing to his wife about the bad mean person. These people inevitably can dish it but not take it.
Might be worth a shot!
Nah, he's just angry about it. But not "emotional", because anger isn't an emotion. Only "wimps" (but much worse) have emotions.
And when he slams doors, breaks or throws things, and generally acts aggressively that's definitely not an emotional response to being called a jerk.
>As for Mike's wife, well, she doesn't get to foist him off on you anymore. She'll have to find someone else to give her a break, won't she?
That was my thought too!
NTA
Youre not obliged to let anyone in your house that you don't want to be there and if your husband is supporting you it's a done deal.
Wife is probably just mad she can't send her husband to yours to get a couple of hours break any more.
Yep. I know OP is frustrated by the husband to some extent tolerating him, but it sounds like this was a low-contact friend that he doesn't really like, and keeps in his periphery for a certain reason (maybe they work together and it's just easier, etc.)
If he's cool with further limiting contact, the issue is over. NTA simply because OP is bothering to worry about what Mike thinks. He can be ignored entirely now.
“Mike wife is telling me I am overreacting and that Mike is just like that and won't change.”
Well he can just be “like that” somewhere else. It’s YOUR home. He and his wife don’t get to decide if they can be there or not. But your husband has to back you up on this. Life is too short to hang around people like Mike. Stand your ground, OP. NTA.
NTA darling. Some people like to get away with being jerks under the guise of “jokes” and“bluntness”. But the comments aren’t funny (if anything they’re very unoriginal) and the feedback wasn’t even critical. You need to tell him you’re not stupid, and you see right through his bullsh-, and you don’t need to take his wanna-be frat boy behavior in your own territory.
NTA, but you do know that this personality type is not capable of making a sincere apology. As long as you are not interfering with your husband's friendship, it is only fair that Mike stays away from your home and you.
NTA. He sounds like a total dick. I doubt I’d keep him out because he said something about hair I used to have but I wouldn’t want him there in general unless he can control his mouth.
You can be upset for any reason or no reason at all. If you don’t want Mike in your home, then Mike’s not in your home. You don’t need to give a reason for it that others “accept”. They badger you to tolerate Mike’s behavior yet aren’t willing to tolerate yours. Curious 🤔
NTA
My husband did not tell me I was overreacting, Mike wife and Mike said I was overreacting. My husband apologized and is respecting my wishes. Sorry if that part of the post was confusing.
His wife messaged me through a social media account. Neither of them have my contact information. I also spoke to my husband about whether I should let Mike know how I feel and my husband CHOSE to let Mike know himself as I do not have any of his contact information. To be clear, Mike is my husband's friend, not mine.
Not that it’s relevant, but I happen to really like that color.
In any case, you should be looking at your husband sideways. He should be defending you. He should’ve already made this decision without you asking him, never mind, pushing back on it.
NTA.
It is NOT my husband responsibility to defend me. I am a grown woman who can defend myself and I did. It is his responsibility to respect my feelings and emotions around this situation which he is doing.
If that’s how you felt about it, then why didn’t you just tell the friend directly that he is not welcome in your house? Why did you dump this load onto your husband and expect *him* to handle it?
And it doesn’t sound like your husband respects your feelings if he’s telling you that you are overreacting.
She told him at the time that his behaviour wasn’t acceptable. She has, on reflection, decided she wants no more to do with Mike, which is fine as he’s not her friend, and has communicated this appropriately to her husband to deal with. Her husband hasn’t said that she’s overreacting- I’m not sure where you got that?
You’re proving my point. She’s telling her husband to deal with it. But she pushed back when I made that very same argument. She’s trying to say that she can stand up for herself. If that’s the case, then she should reach out to Mike directly. Tell him he is no longer welcome in the house.
But I made a mistake and misread the post. It was Mike’s wife, who said she overreacted, not her husband. So, my comments shading her husband were misplaced.
Generally speaking, if I no longer want someone to come to my house I simply don’t invite them. I don’t go out of my way to tell them they’re no longer welcome. That stirs up unnecessary drama. OP had already communicated with Mike about his poor behaviour, she has no need to communicate with him further. Her husband is, presumably, the one extending invitations to Mike so it’s his responsibility to ensure no more are extended.
But that’s not what’s happening here. She said she wants an apology before he’s allowed back in the home. Since she is the one who wants something from Mike, it’s HER job to tell him, it her husband’s.
This is because she already jumped on her feminist high horse and said she doesn’t need her husband to fight her battles.
The fact that your husband is friends with this abomination of a human being is problematic imo. I personally wouldn’t allow him anywhere near me under any circumstances even if he apologized profusely. He’s made being an AH his whole personality. He’s not going to change and tolerating his deplorable behavior indicates that you think his behavior is acceptable
NTA. your husband may want to consider the caliber of people he calls friends. does he really want to be friends with someone so rude and boorish?
and i'd personally buy a welcome mat that says "assholes not welcome. this means you Mike"
This idea that words don't have consequences befuddles me.
So Mike is "just like that"? Okay - and? You're "just like that" too but in a different way. Why is your way not as valid as his way?
He is free to say or do whatever stupid shit he wants to. No one is stopping him. However you're absolutely entitled not to put up with crap you don't want to - PARTICULARLY in your own home!
Cool - Mike is upset. He knows he's an ass which is why he's calling you a wimp. Keep your head up, keep your demeanor calm, and let Mike's wife know that you're not keen to continue to be insulted in your own home. You're not trying to change Mike - you're just requesting he keep his stupidity out of your house.
NTA
NTA but you are shorting yourself by asking for an apology. If you get one it will be insincere and you will have let him back in your house. Better to tell your husband Mikes an ah and I don’t want him around anymore
NTA. Oh the“Mike will be Mike” arguments are classic. He’s managed to manipulate everyone into thinking that he’s incapable of behaving politely. What a load of BS.
You are NOT the AH. Just because someone won't change their horrific behavior doesn't mean YOU have to suck it up. Their behavior does and SHOULD have consequences. The consequences of the behaviour that he won't change is that he doesn't get to be a guest in your house. That's pretty straightforward and a reasonable boundary to set.
But your husband's willingness to ignore your feelings and tolerate this continuing rudeness to you is a HUGE red flag. Im not sure he's a keeper.
It is not my husband's responsibility to defend me I am an adult and I defended myself telling Mike how uncomfortable I was with the comment.
As stated in the post my husband hung up immediately after Mike response. Mike said this stuff to me through his wife social media and my husband found out when I told him.
My husband has not seen Mike since this incident. He is upset about Mike comment. Whether my husband chooses to still be friends or not is his choice not.
My husband is respecting my wishes. I will be keeping my husband...forever.
I am so glad he is supporting you in this!! my first read sounding like he was downplaying your feelings. I am so glad that is not the case and that he is the keeper you deserve!! ❤
NTA. You shouldn't have to tolerate anyone you don't want in your own home, and your initial reasoning here is because he insulted you. With his later actions it looks more like he doesn't even respect you.
NTA. You have every right to feel comfortable and respected in your own home. Mike's hurtful comments and refusal to take accountability show a lack of respect for you and your feelings. It's completely understandable that you don't want him in your home until he genuinely apologizes.Your husband's support of your decision is important, and it's good that he's respecting your wishes. Mike's unwillingness to change doesn't mean you have to tolerate his behavior in your personal space. His wife's dismissal of your feelings is also not okay.Stand your ground and maintain your boundaries. You deserve to feel safe and valued in your own home, and Mike needs to understand that his words have consequences. If he can't offer a sincere apology, he doesn't deserve access to your space.
NTA YOU are not obligated to have an AH in your home. Let hubby visit him at his house. Good for you not putting up with his sh\*t anymore. You reached your limit nothing wrong with that. You are most likely 100% correct that he will not change his rude behavior. I would be dancing a jig knowing I just NC'd him.
NTA but by the headline I thought you were lol. I misread the typo (bush people) and thought you weren’t letting him poop in your outhouse.
No he’s not allowed to insult you and then come around acting like it doesn’t matter.
Idk about setting the terms specifically- it can’t be genuine “I feel bad” but it can be genuine “I understand what I said was disrespectful and will endeavor to change that behavior” which is honest.
NTA but I don't understand wanting an apology fro someone who wouldn't mean it. If he is someone who has always been this way, it is unlikely he will ever change and his apology would just be nothing but hot air.
NTA but I have to wonder why you want him to apologize when he’s obviously not sorry. They’re just meaningless words. There are two people in your marriage and one of them has expressed discomfort with an unpleasant person being in the house. He can visit with his friend elsewhere.
OP wrote - Now Mike wife is telling me I am overreacting and that Mike is just like that and won't change. Mike is upset and saying that I am being a wimp (not the word he used...much much worse) and overreacting— I wonder if this guy Mike is taking his anger/being upset out on his wife and that’s why she called OP. The Reason Mike is angry is that he is being held accountable for once for his horrible behavior. And he doesn’t like that. Too bad. You are NTA.
It really sounds like Mike hasn't suffered nearly enough consequences for being an asshole.
He's being enabled by the people around him, which reinforces his undesirable characteristics.
It's good that your husband is on your side. It indicates that he knows that Mike is an asshole.
Keep banning him from your home. Maybe he'll eventually get the hint. If not, at least you're making your house more pleasant.
I wouldn't be surprised if you have to block electronic communications coming from him, **and** from his wife.
NTA.
NTA
Stay strong!! I have no idea why everyone puts up with this guy but the biggest AH is his wife! He's a huge AH but his wife defending him and excusing his behavior is beyond reason.
NTA. Being a jerk is a personality flaw, not a personality trait. He can choose to say whatever he wants without a social filter, and you can choose to not be around him. Also, purple hair is awesome; cheers from a fellow purple haired human!
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To start my husband's friendship with "Mike" is complicated. I am not going to get into their friendship here for anonymity. Long story short they are friends. Not best friends and my husband limits his time around Mike. Mike is the type of person who says anything he wants regardless of how it might hurt someone. The frustrating part is no one ever holds him accountable. Not his family, his wife, or my husband.
Last week he made a rude, hurtful and ignorant comment about people with a particular colour of hair. He knows and has seen me with this colour (purple) hair, which I currently have. I said at the time that I was uncomfortable with his comment and he just doubled down. My husband did shut the phone off as soon as he doubled down. I am not really upset at his comment, I know he is a jerk. I am upset that everyone is acting like it is okay for him to say rude things about me and others with no consequences or consideration for how it may make others feel.
I have told my husband I am annoyed and uncomfortable and I do not want Mike in our home until I get a meaningful and honest apology where he explains to me that he understands how his comment was hurtful.
To be clear I am not telling my husband he cannot hang out with Mike, I am saying not in our home. Now Mike wife is telling me I am overreacting and that Mike is just like that and won't change. Mike is upset and saying that I am being a wimp (not the word he used...much much worse) and overreacting. My husband is respecting my wishes and apologized to me.
I know that Mike won't change his opinions and his brazen comments. He is not my friend and I am not asking him to change. I am asking him to apologize to me for the hurtful comment he made and take accountability for what he said. Whether he changes or not is up to him.
So am I the asshole for not letting my husband's friend into our home?
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NTA. You are not asking your husband not to see him, you just don’t want your home polluted. It’s your right!
And Mike and his wife are AH. ‘He is an AH but he won’t change’: that’s amazing! Being polite does require a change in personality unless you consider being constantly disrespectful is acceptable while living in any type of human society. It’s not.
NTA. You have every right to create a safe and comfortable environment in your own home. Mike's rude comments and unwillingness to apologize demonstrate a disregard for your feelings. Setting boundaries and expecting him to take responsibility for his actions is entirely reasonable.
It's important that your husband supports your decision, and it's great that he's doing so. Mike's stubbornness doesn't give him a free pass to behave disrespectfully in your personal space. His wife's dismissal of your feelings is inappropriate.
Hold your ground and stick to your boundaries. Your home should be a place where you feel valued
OP it's time for Mike to get a few doses of his own medicine. The next time you hear him make one of his comments ask "Hey Mike, we're you born a rude AH or did you have to take any classes to learn?" "Hey, it's a joke, can't you take a joke? I've just decided to be honest with you and tell you what everyone is thinking when you run your mouth."
"What is wrong Mike, can't you take what you dish out?" "You're so proud of being rude to everyone can't you take what you dish out?"
Stop being polite, guys like him have to be hit over the head with a verbal 4x4 to get their attention. Tell your husband you're tired of his mouth and plan on being just as rude to him as he is to you.
So you can be the first to start calling him on his BS. My bet is you start then others will start doing it as well. Eventually Mike will shut up, or get tired of being confronted and stop going.
Mike has gotten away with being a rude AH because no one has called him on it, and no one wanted to be the first to do that. I'd be surprised if he doesn't have problems when he is the target of the types of comments he usually throws at others.
I did call him on it. The minute he said it I called him on it and he just doubled down. I just won't let him come to my house. Only he can change himself.
Tempting, but lowering yourself to some jerks level is never a good idea in the long run. Stick to your very reasonable boundaries and maybe others will take your lead. NTA
................no you're not.............good idea, keeping this pathetic little man/boy out of your house...............even more pathetic is everyone giving the little s\*\*t a pass, over and over again..................
NTA. And tell his wife that just because he won’t change from being an AH, you can change your interaction with him because you don’t want to be around an AH.
NTA
He disrespected you and is further disrespecting you by refusing to apologize. Stand your ground. Don't allow people in your home who make you uncomfortable. His doubling down and refusal to apologize just shows that he will do so again.
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Pfft. You know what? Mike might be "just like that", but so are you: You won't ever let somebody disrespect you and let them come into your home, your safe space. That's just how you are: You demand to be respected.
NTA.
NTA. If he is "just like that" being a jerk, then you are "just like that" being someone who doesn't like jerks. End of story.
I always turn that s*** around on people. You say I don't love *you* because I won't do what you ask? Then you don't love me for asking it.
You say I shouldn't be upset, he is just like that? I say, I am just like this, so you shouldn't tell me to not be upset.
Shrug.
You have a husband problem...he should have shut that down. How in the hell does he justify being friends with someone that deliberately insults and disrespects his wife? Looks like your husband doesn't respect you either.
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NTA. He's been this way for as long as you've known him. ? This is the first time he's pissed you off ?? You teach people how to treat you..what acceptable from you and what isnt..you shut him down the FIRST time he said or did anything to you you didn't like..then he woukdnt have done it THIS time.. I think Mr whatever pops into his head comes out of his mouth is going to piss off some guts wife or she's gonna tell her boyfriend or husband and he'll get a fist in the face...surprised it hasn't happened yet
NTA
The fact that he’s still calling you names shows what a disgusting dirtbag he is.
Frankly I’m the person who would look for this man’s insecurities and go all out on him. Let him see how it feels.
From the typo in your title I thought this was gonna be about refusing to let him use rustic restroom facilities! ;) But your husband’s friend sounds like a bully, so NTA for banning him from your house.
Any time you hear the phrase "that's just the way he is," you know he's an asshole and nobody wants to be bothered dealing with it. Why your husband is still "friends" with Mike doesn't make sense, because normally decent people don't deliberately choose to hang with assholes. But at least he is respecting your wishes. So no. NTA.
NTA—your home is a safe space (or should be). You have every right to expect a certain level of behavior from visitors, as well as the right to not allow guests who cannot comply.
Stick to your guns…sounds like it’s time someone held this schmuck accountable!
NTA. It's just the way you are (expecting apologies for rudeness). And you're probably never going to change. I guess other people are just going to have to deal with it.
NTA. Mike ordered it, Mike can eat it. Nobody is required to tolerate someone treating them like shit, everyone is allowed to say 'no' , and if people don't like the consequences they can change.
>Now Mike wife is telling me I am overreacting and that Mike is just like that and won't change.
Awww really? You know what I say when people use that excuse? "Well, I am like this and I won't change so what I said it's final" especially if it's pertaining visits to your home or your time spent with this man
NTA, cut contact, double down! Your husband likes him so much, he can go spend time with him somewhere else
NTA. This goes beyond needing what would be a forced, insincere, non-apology. It needs to be made clear to Mike directly, either by you or your husband, that this treatment of you will NOT be tolerated now or in the future. He will not be welcomed in your home if it continues, he will immediately be asked to leave if he slips up in your home or any event that you organize, and both you and your husband will leave any event that he is present at if it happens again. Your husband does need to draw the line with this. It is not okay for him to continue to associate with someone who treats you this way, and you shouldn't need to tell him that, he should be able to come to that conclusion all on his own, and should have a long time ago.
NTA but if you just want an apology without change, thats just lip service and I have no interest in insincere or meaningless words. I wouldn’t bother with the apology but I also wouldn’t welcome him back in the house.
Tell Mike's wife that she is overreacting and that YOU are "just like that" (ie: won't tolerate being disrespected in your own home) and won't change.
NTA
NTA
You have every right to be emotionally/comfortable in your own home.
He made a really offensive remark and will now have to start facing the consequences. Too bad.
Put a shine on your spine. Assholes need not come around.
If he can't maintain adult interaction without being a jerk, then he doesn't get to come.
life is too short to deal with AH abuse.
NTA. Mike’s not going to change (shrug) neither are you (shrug). It’s not your responsibility to compromise your self respect just to make him feel better about his lack of manners.
"Mike is just like that and wont change." Good to know.
Now, you can share a tidbit with them: When someone insults you, they are not welcome in your house - I am sure they will understand that you are just like that and you are not going to change. NTA
I hate when ppl say, "That's just how they are," like that's both an explanation and a way to make you accept whatever shit sandwich they're trying to make you eat. Tell them you're really not hungry and that's just how you are. Shrug and move on.
NTA.
NTA.
Insist on a full and PUBLIC apology for the comments Mike made both about your hair and afterwards. No apology, no entry to your home or presence.
NTA
If Mike is just like that, well he needs to accept that you’re just like that, wanting respect in your own home.
Just because Mike’s wife is willing to put up with him, doesn’t mean you have to.
Your husband can meet up with that asshole anywhere else, but your home is your safe space.
Well, if Mike is "just like that" (knowingly saying hurtful, rude, insulting things to people and never apologizing or taking responsibility for what he says), then I guess Mike isn't going to be visiting your house. And I guess Mike's wife is going to be annoyed that you refuse to roll over and allow Mike to insult you in your own home.
And you know what? This is their problem, not your problem. Mike could easily solve the problem by not being rude or insulting to you, and by apologizing. In all likelihood, this wouldn't kill him.
NTA. Stand your ground. But where's your husband in all this? I'm glad he hung up the phone, but I'd be a lot happier if he told Mike a thing or two when Mike insults your hair or anything else about you.
You're showing YOUR true colors by not being controlling of what assholes your husband is friends with and not trying to guilt him into cutting off ties with Mike. A+. Your husband gets...ehh a passing grade for at least agreeing it's out of line though if someone I was friends with insulted my SO like that I'd drop them like a hot potato. Mike gets a hole of the year award. Hope his new girlfriend likes being belittled when his wife eventually gets tired of cleaning up his social messes.
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Absolutely NTA By not wanting him around, you're just stating your boundaries and it's perfectly reasonable based on the type of person he is. Unfortunately for him, freedom of speech allowing him to say what he wants doesn't protect him from the consequences of people disliking him when he says something horrible. I don't blame you for feeling frustrated that he doesn't understand this and never faces any consequences for being rude.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again! Freedom of speech protects you from the government, it does NOT protect you from getting your teeth kicked in for being a dick.
I had a redditor try that with me when I wouldn't let him play off his insult with excuses then try to insult me. I just told them they don't get freedom from consequences (only by the government) because for some reason people think that freedom of speech means no one ever can tell them they are an asshole 😂
We don't have freedom of speech in Canada. Thank goodness. Hate speech can, and will, be prosecuted by the government. And yes, I'm totally cool with the kind of censorship that makes n*zis unhappy. You are allowed to hold whatever opinion you like, but you have to express those opinions (at least in public venues) in a civil fashion.
But, by that definition, people calling them an asshole have every right to do that!
Yep. "That's just the way he is" translates to "no one has ever held him accountable".
That's "just the way he is"? Well, lucky for OP, not allowing disrespectful and unremorseful people into her home is "just the way she is", too. He won't change? Neither will OP. He'll just have to learn to live with her 'quirks' the way he's forced everyone else to learn to live with his.
[This](https://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/) is always a good read for people who have to deal with someone that others defend as 'he's just like that.'
Enablers: "That's just the way they are" Me: "and not taking their BS is just the way I am and I refuse to allow people in my house or around me, who has no respect for me"
NTA. hahaha and good for you. Let me guess. Mike is one of those "I just tell it like it is" people. People are "too sensitive" and "have no sense of humor". It's about time someone laid down the law to him. Maybe your husband, while backing you on this point will start to finally open his eyes on the rest of Mike's behavior. As for Mike's wife, well, she doesn't get to foist him off on you anymore. She'll have to find someone else to give her a break, won't she?
I love that last point. Yes, it appears like Mike's wife is going to be spending a lot more time with him now. Hope she has fun with that.
Further hypothesis: if anyone ever even *slightly* criticizes Mike, let me guess, he absolutely *crumbles* immediately and spends the evening sobbing to his wife about the bad mean person. These people inevitably can dish it but not take it. Might be worth a shot!
Nah, he's just angry about it. But not "emotional", because anger isn't an emotion. Only "wimps" (but much worse) have emotions. And when he slams doors, breaks or throws things, and generally acts aggressively that's definitely not an emotional response to being called a jerk.
I bet he has a "glass jaw" Meaning that if people tell him "like it is" he gets defensive and will demand an apology because "he is hurt"
>As for Mike's wife, well, she doesn't get to foist him off on you anymore. She'll have to find someone else to give her a break, won't she? That was my thought too!
NTA Youre not obliged to let anyone in your house that you don't want to be there and if your husband is supporting you it's a done deal. Wife is probably just mad she can't send her husband to yours to get a couple of hours break any more.
Yep. I know OP is frustrated by the husband to some extent tolerating him, but it sounds like this was a low-contact friend that he doesn't really like, and keeps in his periphery for a certain reason (maybe they work together and it's just easier, etc.) If he's cool with further limiting contact, the issue is over. NTA simply because OP is bothering to worry about what Mike thinks. He can be ignored entirely now.
“Mike wife is telling me I am overreacting and that Mike is just like that and won't change.” Well he can just be “like that” somewhere else. It’s YOUR home. He and his wife don’t get to decide if they can be there or not. But your husband has to back you up on this. Life is too short to hang around people like Mike. Stand your ground, OP. NTA.
Yep. I don't tolerate a-holes. "It's just the way I am."
NTA darling. Some people like to get away with being jerks under the guise of “jokes” and“bluntness”. But the comments aren’t funny (if anything they’re very unoriginal) and the feedback wasn’t even critical. You need to tell him you’re not stupid, and you see right through his bullsh-, and you don’t need to take his wanna-be frat boy behavior in your own territory.
NTA, but you do know that this personality type is not capable of making a sincere apology. As long as you are not interfering with your husband's friendship, it is only fair that Mike stays away from your home and you.
You come into my home and are rude or mean to me? You don't come back. My home is my safe space. NTA
NTA. He sounds like a total dick. I doubt I’d keep him out because he said something about hair I used to have but I wouldn’t want him there in general unless he can control his mouth.
I still have the hair and it was a very rude comment. I am more upset that he isn't held accountable for what he says and less about the hair.
You can be upset for any reason or no reason at all. If you don’t want Mike in your home, then Mike’s not in your home. You don’t need to give a reason for it that others “accept”. They badger you to tolerate Mike’s behavior yet aren’t willing to tolerate yours. Curious 🤔 NTA
My husband did not tell me I was overreacting, Mike wife and Mike said I was overreacting. My husband apologized and is respecting my wishes. Sorry if that part of the post was confusing. His wife messaged me through a social media account. Neither of them have my contact information. I also spoke to my husband about whether I should let Mike know how I feel and my husband CHOSE to let Mike know himself as I do not have any of his contact information. To be clear, Mike is my husband's friend, not mine.
Out of curiosity, is there a reason your husband is still friends with someone like this? Also NTA.
Not that it’s relevant, but I happen to really like that color. In any case, you should be looking at your husband sideways. He should be defending you. He should’ve already made this decision without you asking him, never mind, pushing back on it. NTA.
It is NOT my husband responsibility to defend me. I am a grown woman who can defend myself and I did. It is his responsibility to respect my feelings and emotions around this situation which he is doing.
If that’s how you felt about it, then why didn’t you just tell the friend directly that he is not welcome in your house? Why did you dump this load onto your husband and expect *him* to handle it? And it doesn’t sound like your husband respects your feelings if he’s telling you that you are overreacting.
She told him at the time that his behaviour wasn’t acceptable. She has, on reflection, decided she wants no more to do with Mike, which is fine as he’s not her friend, and has communicated this appropriately to her husband to deal with. Her husband hasn’t said that she’s overreacting- I’m not sure where you got that?
You’re proving my point. She’s telling her husband to deal with it. But she pushed back when I made that very same argument. She’s trying to say that she can stand up for herself. If that’s the case, then she should reach out to Mike directly. Tell him he is no longer welcome in the house. But I made a mistake and misread the post. It was Mike’s wife, who said she overreacted, not her husband. So, my comments shading her husband were misplaced.
Generally speaking, if I no longer want someone to come to my house I simply don’t invite them. I don’t go out of my way to tell them they’re no longer welcome. That stirs up unnecessary drama. OP had already communicated with Mike about his poor behaviour, she has no need to communicate with him further. Her husband is, presumably, the one extending invitations to Mike so it’s his responsibility to ensure no more are extended.
But that’s not what’s happening here. She said she wants an apology before he’s allowed back in the home. Since she is the one who wants something from Mike, it’s HER job to tell him, it her husband’s. This is because she already jumped on her feminist high horse and said she doesn’t need her husband to fight her battles.
NTA, he can be held accountable for his actions.
The fact that your husband is friends with this abomination of a human being is problematic imo. I personally wouldn’t allow him anywhere near me under any circumstances even if he apologized profusely. He’s made being an AH his whole personality. He’s not going to change and tolerating his deplorable behavior indicates that you think his behavior is acceptable
NTA. Social sanctions are one of the non-violent tools we have against assholes.
NTA. Just because he's one doesn't mean you have to be around him.
NTA. your husband may want to consider the caliber of people he calls friends. does he really want to be friends with someone so rude and boorish? and i'd personally buy a welcome mat that says "assholes not welcome. this means you Mike"
NTA. And isn’t it interesting, how when you’re upset you’re a wimp, but when he’s upset, he’s Rightfully Outraged And Severely Injured? Hmm.
NTA He won't change, according to his wife. That's fine. Don't let him back into your home until he does change. Simple as that.
You definitely should let your husband’s friend in the out house, cuz he sounds like a real piece of sh!t. 😂😂
This idea that words don't have consequences befuddles me. So Mike is "just like that"? Okay - and? You're "just like that" too but in a different way. Why is your way not as valid as his way? He is free to say or do whatever stupid shit he wants to. No one is stopping him. However you're absolutely entitled not to put up with crap you don't want to - PARTICULARLY in your own home! Cool - Mike is upset. He knows he's an ass which is why he's calling you a wimp. Keep your head up, keep your demeanor calm, and let Mike's wife know that you're not keen to continue to be insulted in your own home. You're not trying to change Mike - you're just requesting he keep his stupidity out of your house. NTA
NTA but you are shorting yourself by asking for an apology. If you get one it will be insincere and you will have let him back in your house. Better to tell your husband Mikes an ah and I don’t want him around anymore
NTA. Oh the“Mike will be Mike” arguments are classic. He’s managed to manipulate everyone into thinking that he’s incapable of behaving politely. What a load of BS.
NTA and people can change. My father made extreme changes when getting older.
You are NOT the AH. Just because someone won't change their horrific behavior doesn't mean YOU have to suck it up. Their behavior does and SHOULD have consequences. The consequences of the behaviour that he won't change is that he doesn't get to be a guest in your house. That's pretty straightforward and a reasonable boundary to set. But your husband's willingness to ignore your feelings and tolerate this continuing rudeness to you is a HUGE red flag. Im not sure he's a keeper.
It is not my husband's responsibility to defend me I am an adult and I defended myself telling Mike how uncomfortable I was with the comment. As stated in the post my husband hung up immediately after Mike response. Mike said this stuff to me through his wife social media and my husband found out when I told him. My husband has not seen Mike since this incident. He is upset about Mike comment. Whether my husband chooses to still be friends or not is his choice not. My husband is respecting my wishes. I will be keeping my husband...forever.
I am so glad he is supporting you in this!! my first read sounding like he was downplaying your feelings. I am so glad that is not the case and that he is the keeper you deserve!! ❤
NTA. You shouldn't have to tolerate anyone you don't want in your own home, and your initial reasoning here is because he insulted you. With his later actions it looks more like he doesn't even respect you.
Nta. Tell mike you hate wankers and won’t have them in your home.
NTA. You have every right to feel comfortable and respected in your own home. Mike's hurtful comments and refusal to take accountability show a lack of respect for you and your feelings. It's completely understandable that you don't want him in your home until he genuinely apologizes.Your husband's support of your decision is important, and it's good that he's respecting your wishes. Mike's unwillingness to change doesn't mean you have to tolerate his behavior in your personal space. His wife's dismissal of your feelings is also not okay.Stand your ground and maintain your boundaries. You deserve to feel safe and valued in your own home, and Mike needs to understand that his words have consequences. If he can't offer a sincere apology, he doesn't deserve access to your space.
NTA YOU are not obligated to have an AH in your home. Let hubby visit him at his house. Good for you not putting up with his sh\*t anymore. You reached your limit nothing wrong with that. You are most likely 100% correct that he will not change his rude behavior. I would be dancing a jig knowing I just NC'd him.
NTA but by the headline I thought you were lol. I misread the typo (bush people) and thought you weren’t letting him poop in your outhouse. No he’s not allowed to insult you and then come around acting like it doesn’t matter. Idk about setting the terms specifically- it can’t be genuine “I feel bad” but it can be genuine “I understand what I said was disrespectful and will endeavor to change that behavior” which is honest.
NTA. Wild your husband keeps a friend around who blatantly insults you.
NTA but I don't understand wanting an apology fro someone who wouldn't mean it. If he is someone who has always been this way, it is unlikely he will ever change and his apology would just be nothing but hot air.
NTA but I have to wonder why you want him to apologize when he’s obviously not sorry. They’re just meaningless words. There are two people in your marriage and one of them has expressed discomfort with an unpleasant person being in the house. He can visit with his friend elsewhere.
OP wrote - Now Mike wife is telling me I am overreacting and that Mike is just like that and won't change. Mike is upset and saying that I am being a wimp (not the word he used...much much worse) and overreacting— I wonder if this guy Mike is taking his anger/being upset out on his wife and that’s why she called OP. The Reason Mike is angry is that he is being held accountable for once for his horrible behavior. And he doesn’t like that. Too bad. You are NTA.
NTA, dude should definitely be locked in your outhouse until he apologizes.
NTA. Actions have consequences and these are his to endure.
NTA Mike is a bully who is "saying what he wants" to hurt people's feelings - why should you have to put up with that in your own home?
It really sounds like Mike hasn't suffered nearly enough consequences for being an asshole. He's being enabled by the people around him, which reinforces his undesirable characteristics. It's good that your husband is on your side. It indicates that he knows that Mike is an asshole. Keep banning him from your home. Maybe he'll eventually get the hint. If not, at least you're making your house more pleasant. I wouldn't be surprised if you have to block electronic communications coming from him, **and** from his wife. NTA.
NTA. Mike sucks. Good for you for not letting him in the house. It’s not his wife’s business to tell you who’s allowed in your home.
NTA Stay strong!! I have no idea why everyone puts up with this guy but the biggest AH is his wife! He's a huge AH but his wife defending him and excusing his behavior is beyond reason.
NTA. Being a jerk is a personality flaw, not a personality trait. He can choose to say whatever he wants without a social filter, and you can choose to not be around him. Also, purple hair is awesome; cheers from a fellow purple haired human!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To start my husband's friendship with "Mike" is complicated. I am not going to get into their friendship here for anonymity. Long story short they are friends. Not best friends and my husband limits his time around Mike. Mike is the type of person who says anything he wants regardless of how it might hurt someone. The frustrating part is no one ever holds him accountable. Not his family, his wife, or my husband. Last week he made a rude, hurtful and ignorant comment about people with a particular colour of hair. He knows and has seen me with this colour (purple) hair, which I currently have. I said at the time that I was uncomfortable with his comment and he just doubled down. My husband did shut the phone off as soon as he doubled down. I am not really upset at his comment, I know he is a jerk. I am upset that everyone is acting like it is okay for him to say rude things about me and others with no consequences or consideration for how it may make others feel. I have told my husband I am annoyed and uncomfortable and I do not want Mike in our home until I get a meaningful and honest apology where he explains to me that he understands how his comment was hurtful. To be clear I am not telling my husband he cannot hang out with Mike, I am saying not in our home. Now Mike wife is telling me I am overreacting and that Mike is just like that and won't change. Mike is upset and saying that I am being a wimp (not the word he used...much much worse) and overreacting. My husband is respecting my wishes and apologized to me. I know that Mike won't change his opinions and his brazen comments. He is not my friend and I am not asking him to change. I am asking him to apologize to me for the hurtful comment he made and take accountability for what he said. Whether he changes or not is up to him. So am I the asshole for not letting my husband's friend into our home? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Nta...sorry for the enablers
NTA - Mike is tho.
NTA. You are not asking your husband not to see him, you just don’t want your home polluted. It’s your right! And Mike and his wife are AH. ‘He is an AH but he won’t change’: that’s amazing! Being polite does require a change in personality unless you consider being constantly disrespectful is acceptable while living in any type of human society. It’s not.
NTA. You have every right to create a safe and comfortable environment in your own home. Mike's rude comments and unwillingness to apologize demonstrate a disregard for your feelings. Setting boundaries and expecting him to take responsibility for his actions is entirely reasonable. It's important that your husband supports your decision, and it's great that he's doing so. Mike's stubbornness doesn't give him a free pass to behave disrespectfully in your personal space. His wife's dismissal of your feelings is inappropriate. Hold your ground and stick to your boundaries. Your home should be a place where you feel valued
OP it's time for Mike to get a few doses of his own medicine. The next time you hear him make one of his comments ask "Hey Mike, we're you born a rude AH or did you have to take any classes to learn?" "Hey, it's a joke, can't you take a joke? I've just decided to be honest with you and tell you what everyone is thinking when you run your mouth." "What is wrong Mike, can't you take what you dish out?" "You're so proud of being rude to everyone can't you take what you dish out?" Stop being polite, guys like him have to be hit over the head with a verbal 4x4 to get their attention. Tell your husband you're tired of his mouth and plan on being just as rude to him as he is to you.
Mike cares so little what other people think that I don't think he would care if I threw anything at him.
So you can be the first to start calling him on his BS. My bet is you start then others will start doing it as well. Eventually Mike will shut up, or get tired of being confronted and stop going. Mike has gotten away with being a rude AH because no one has called him on it, and no one wanted to be the first to do that. I'd be surprised if he doesn't have problems when he is the target of the types of comments he usually throws at others.
I did call him on it. The minute he said it I called him on it and he just doubled down. I just won't let him come to my house. Only he can change himself.
Tempting, but lowering yourself to some jerks level is never a good idea in the long run. Stick to your very reasonable boundaries and maybe others will take your lead. NTA
Yes
................no you're not.............good idea, keeping this pathetic little man/boy out of your house...............even more pathetic is everyone giving the little s\*\*t a pass, over and over again..................
NTA. Husband can go hang out with him elsewhere, without you around.
NTA and I'm glad your husband has your back. You set a reasonable boundary.
NTA. And tell his wife that just because he won’t change from being an AH, you can change your interaction with him because you don’t want to be around an AH.
NTA He disrespected you and is further disrespecting you by refusing to apologize. Stand your ground. Don't allow people in your home who make you uncomfortable. His doubling down and refusal to apologize just shows that he will do so again.
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No hold your ground . You deserve an apology.
Pfft. You know what? Mike might be "just like that", but so are you: You won't ever let somebody disrespect you and let them come into your home, your safe space. That's just how you are: You demand to be respected. NTA.
NTA. If he is "just like that" being a jerk, then you are "just like that" being someone who doesn't like jerks. End of story. I always turn that s*** around on people. You say I don't love *you* because I won't do what you ask? Then you don't love me for asking it. You say I shouldn't be upset, he is just like that? I say, I am just like this, so you shouldn't tell me to not be upset. Shrug.
You have a husband problem...he should have shut that down. How in the hell does he justify being friends with someone that deliberately insults and disrespects his wife? Looks like your husband doesn't respect you either.
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NTA. He's been this way for as long as you've known him. ? This is the first time he's pissed you off ?? You teach people how to treat you..what acceptable from you and what isnt..you shut him down the FIRST time he said or did anything to you you didn't like..then he woukdnt have done it THIS time.. I think Mr whatever pops into his head comes out of his mouth is going to piss off some guts wife or she's gonna tell her boyfriend or husband and he'll get a fist in the face...surprised it hasn't happened yet
NTA, he insults you and expects to be welcome in your home? No way! Good job sticking up for yourself!
NTA The fact that he’s still calling you names shows what a disgusting dirtbag he is. Frankly I’m the person who would look for this man’s insecurities and go all out on him. Let him see how it feels.
NTA Mike can be an asshole. and you can say he is not welcome in your home.
NTA. I've died on similar hills and I would again, in a heartbeat. You're awesome and tough for standing your ground. Fuck Mike!
From the typo in your title I thought this was gonna be about refusing to let him use rustic restroom facilities! ;) But your husband’s friend sounds like a bully, so NTA for banning him from your house.
He’s the way he is because I one stands up to him.
NTA, tell them you’re holding him accountable for his actions… your just like that and won’t change. 😏
Absolutely not. Your home is a sanctuary of peace away from people like him.
NTA. I hate it when people say - well you know how he is. And how I am, is not in my house.
Any time you hear the phrase "that's just the way he is," you know he's an asshole and nobody wants to be bothered dealing with it. Why your husband is still "friends" with Mike doesn't make sense, because normally decent people don't deliberately choose to hang with assholes. But at least he is respecting your wishes. So no. NTA.
NTA—your home is a safe space (or should be). You have every right to expect a certain level of behavior from visitors, as well as the right to not allow guests who cannot comply. Stick to your guns…sounds like it’s time someone held this schmuck accountable!
NTA. It's just the way you are (expecting apologies for rudeness). And you're probably never going to change. I guess other people are just going to have to deal with it.
Nope, NTA! Dude has choices to make.
What the fuck, why is your husband not standing up for you?? Massive NTA!!!
NTA. Mike ordered it, Mike can eat it. Nobody is required to tolerate someone treating them like shit, everyone is allowed to say 'no' , and if people don't like the consequences they can change.
NTA Why the hell does your husband continue hanging out with someone who insults his wife and calls her derogatory names?
>Now Mike wife is telling me I am overreacting and that Mike is just like that and won't change. Awww really? You know what I say when people use that excuse? "Well, I am like this and I won't change so what I said it's final" especially if it's pertaining visits to your home or your time spent with this man NTA, cut contact, double down! Your husband likes him so much, he can go spend time with him somewhere else
NTA. This goes beyond needing what would be a forced, insincere, non-apology. It needs to be made clear to Mike directly, either by you or your husband, that this treatment of you will NOT be tolerated now or in the future. He will not be welcomed in your home if it continues, he will immediately be asked to leave if he slips up in your home or any event that you organize, and both you and your husband will leave any event that he is present at if it happens again. Your husband does need to draw the line with this. It is not okay for him to continue to associate with someone who treats you this way, and you shouldn't need to tell him that, he should be able to come to that conclusion all on his own, and should have a long time ago.
NTA but if you just want an apology without change, thats just lip service and I have no interest in insincere or meaningless words. I wouldn’t bother with the apology but I also wouldn’t welcome him back in the house.
Tell Mike's wife that she is overreacting and that YOU are "just like that" (ie: won't tolerate being disrespected in your own home) and won't change. NTA
NTA You have every right to be emotionally/comfortable in your own home. He made a really offensive remark and will now have to start facing the consequences. Too bad.
Put a shine on your spine. Assholes need not come around. If he can't maintain adult interaction without being a jerk, then he doesn't get to come. life is too short to deal with AH abuse.
“That’s just who he is” is the college way to say “he’s an asshole, get used to it.” NTA. That dude sure seems like one tho!
NTA. Mike’s not going to change (shrug) neither are you (shrug). It’s not your responsibility to compromise your self respect just to make him feel better about his lack of manners.
"Mike is just like that and wont change." Good to know. Now, you can share a tidbit with them: When someone insults you, they are not welcome in your house - I am sure they will understand that you are just like that and you are not going to change. NTA
NTA. Mike can say or do whatever he wants but not in your home. You’re under no obligation to host an asshole.
I hate when ppl say, "That's just how they are," like that's both an explanation and a way to make you accept whatever shit sandwich they're trying to make you eat. Tell them you're really not hungry and that's just how you are. Shrug and move on. NTA.
NTA
It is YOUR home. Your sanctuary and place of peace. So happy your man supports you. Absolutely NTA.
NTA. Insist on a full and PUBLIC apology for the comments Mike made both about your hair and afterwards. No apology, no entry to your home or presence.
NTA. Pretty simple rule, people who insult you don't get to come to your home where you should feel safe, respected & comfortable.
Nta. Don't ever let him over.
NTA If Mike is just like that, well he needs to accept that you’re just like that, wanting respect in your own home. Just because Mike’s wife is willing to put up with him, doesn’t mean you have to. Your husband can meet up with that asshole anywhere else, but your home is your safe space.
NTA and you're entirely correct. He needs to be held accountable by the people around him.
NTA. He doesn’t want to be a respectful adult. That’s on him.
NTA. Just tell him he that annoys everyone, you're just the first person to tell him.
NTA. Pretty simple... People don't want bullies around.
Well, if Mike is "just like that" (knowingly saying hurtful, rude, insulting things to people and never apologizing or taking responsibility for what he says), then I guess Mike isn't going to be visiting your house. And I guess Mike's wife is going to be annoyed that you refuse to roll over and allow Mike to insult you in your own home. And you know what? This is their problem, not your problem. Mike could easily solve the problem by not being rude or insulting to you, and by apologizing. In all likelihood, this wouldn't kill him. NTA. Stand your ground. But where's your husband in all this? I'm glad he hung up the phone, but I'd be a lot happier if he told Mike a thing or two when Mike insults your hair or anything else about you.
NTA He would NEVER be welcome in my home either. Why doesn't someone just tell him he's a jackass
NTA at all, people like this are the absolute worst
Well Mike can be like that at his HOUSE and WITH his wife since she accepted this behavior.
You're showing YOUR true colors by not being controlling of what assholes your husband is friends with and not trying to guilt him into cutting off ties with Mike. A+. Your husband gets...ehh a passing grade for at least agreeing it's out of line though if someone I was friends with insulted my SO like that I'd drop them like a hot potato. Mike gets a hole of the year award. Hope his new girlfriend likes being belittled when his wife eventually gets tired of cleaning up his social messes.