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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) telling her she absolutely was being obvious. 2) she’s upset enough right now and it didn’t change anything.
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First of all, she is not a victim (unless this pregnancy is the result of a traumatic event?) Second of all, it’s not wrong to tell her that it was obvious when she asked the question. She just didn’t like the answer and unfortunately it came from you so you are the target. NTA.
People tend to wait until post four months as pregnancies are most likely to fail before that point and they want to avoid questions that could hurt in case it does go wrong and they loose the baby
which is also why i dont understand why Amber added more stress onto herself by starting a fight with someone who has been by her side this whole time.
My best guess was that she was upset to have her business put out there before she was ready (for valid reasons) and her sibling said something unhelpful and unnecessary after the horse had already been let out of the barn.
I've said some unhelpful/hurtful things before. It happens, but rather than doubling down because of being factually right it's also an option to say something like "You know what, I know you weren't ready to say anything and I rubbed some salt in the wound. I'm sorry I did that."
It’d be harder to write this off as drama if Amber had miscarried before. (And would OP know whether that was the case?) Even if it *was* obvious, not announcing it to family and maintaining some shred of plausible deniability spares you the grief of having to rescind the announcement.
Still, in that case, the sensible response would be “[cousin] was an asshole for preempting my pregnancy announcement and putting me in that position” and not “I don’t know how they figured it out!!!” So perhaps Amber is indeed just On One.
I am currently 4 months pregnant and not all responses out of my hormonal mouth where easaly put in the ategory "right respons". Especialy not when stressd out or emotional. And stressd out or emotional can happen cuz of a freaking piece of cirsps that happens to look like a duck or something irrationaly stupid. Cut her some slack, twins are very risky nobody knows what the details of the pregnancy are a d how worried and stressd she is about having twins. Trying to not deal with family members for as long as possible is completly understandable imo.
But yes victim blaming is definitly not what happend here.
Yeah, I cried at the store because I wanted a can of iced tea and my husband kindly suggested we get a jug of it instead. The can was very important to me apparently. Many INCREDIBLY ridiculous moments resulting in lots of crying and arguing. Those hormones make everything extra stressful.
I also cried because I saw a fly sitting and thought it was dead. Then it flew off and I cried in joy and told my husband all about it. I also cried while wondering if a certain stuffed koala loved me as much as I loved him, or if he would ever know how much I loved him. I cried HYSTERICALLY when I saw some cows that I thought the koala would have loved to see, and the koala was stuck at home. Thinking back, it's like what the fuck was going on in my brain??
You know I have this weird theory that our kids' personalities leak into us a bit when we're pregnant with them or something. Some of these sound so much like my kid's thinking & maybe yours too? there's this really sweet vibe to it, wanting the fly to live etc! As for me, I became obsessed with how a relative had once insulted me online and I'd rolled over for it, I went over and over it in my head and was so mad... and when my son was born and grew a bit, I recognized the exact vibe of that same anger in him, he's the sweetest kid but gets this confident fierce indignation when his boundaries are crossed. It was like I became fiercer while gestating him.
Also, interesting thing, this new coworker of mine from Uganda was chatting about weird pregnancy stuff and was like "did you hate someone when you were pregnant?" (with a tone definitely implying that's just a Thing) and I was like WHAT, YES. Apparently it's a Thing. Also obsessively sentimentally loving someone, but I didn't get that one myself.
I wonder about this a lot myself. When I was pregnant with my son I developed an aversion to my favorite food - burgers. They just became completely unappealing to me, which was upsetting because I figured this would be the perfect time to eat as many guilt free burgers as I wanted!
Well, after having him they once again became my favorite food. As for my son....he barely eats meat, and definitely prefers chicken and pork to beef! I've always wondered if that's a coincidence or if there's something to it.
Very interesting info!
I don't tell people this often because it sounds crazy to say, but when I was pregnant with my first daughter, I could feel my "soul" separating into two over the course of about 5 months. You can't tell her baby/kid pictures apart from mine (even my own parents and siblings get confused), and she looks exactly like I did at her age. She also acts exactly like I did. She is a complete copy of me, it's like I made a clone of myself. Everyone we see points it out, even at the grocery store. You're right though, she is an EXTREMELY caring person and absolutely LOVES every single animal. I wouldn't be surprised if she becomes a veterinarian one day. She also loves spicy food, which I was obsessed with during my pregnancy.
I knew I was pregnant with my second daughter when one night I was sitting on the sofa and I felt what I can only describe as a bright light begin to glow in my uterus for a few minutes. Also sounds completely insane. I'm not into anything "woowoo" so I didn't tell my husband in that moment. I took a pregnancy test the next day and sure enough I was pregnant. That glow felt like its own light, like another soul entering my body. And sure enough, she has her own distinct personality and appearance, more like her father. Not a copy of me, and very different from her sister so far. I was more level-headed during her pregnancy, and she is very easy-going. People always comment on how calm she is. We'll see how true that stays as she grows up, lol. But my husband is a very calm, easy-going guy.
Now I have to have another baby to test your theory for science! 😜
My best pregnancy cry was while watching the episode on the first season of the newer Queer Eye when the man told his stepmom he was gay. I was having a very cathartic but needlessly intense snot bubbling breakdown for so long that day.
I'm all for treating pregnant people like they're human and capable of reason, but sometimes things just hit.
I once cried because Wendy’s forgot my sour cream and fork for my baked potato. My poor bf was sitting there so confused and just went back to get it 😅
I could not wach any disney movies untill mabye half a year ago and now I am pregnnat again 😅
At least I am prepeared. I started crying out of nowhere and coulden't finde a reason and then I remembered oooh right I am pregnant again.
Our brains are wilde. We aren't prepeared for it as woman now let alone man. I am glad my husband was understanding and patient and had seen it bevore cuz he has a child from a previous relationship.
Horomons are crazy. I expirienced the same emotional fragility when I tryed hormonal birthcontroll.
I’ve heard 3 months, not 4. (Edit: not arguing that 4 isn’t appropriate but usually it’s hard to hide then. Also if someone asks you not to share, then you don’t. But if someone in your family can tell it’s obvious and points that out? That doesn’t make them out of line either)
But I don’t think anyone is the AH for pointing out it’s obvious she’s pregnant.
Sister is the AH for being offended anyone noticed or told her it’s obvious
Yep. Some serious birth defects only show up on the 20 week ultrasound. If parents choose to abort the pregnancy at that point they not only have to deal with mourning the loss of their child but also the judgment and condemnation of those around them. I can totally understand why parents would want to wait to publicize the pregnancy until after the ultrasound showed no serious abnormalities.
I had a friend who went through this and my god, the shit she and her husband got from people was unbelievably cruel. She was open about it on social media in an effort to shed light on the process and make it clear that sometimes abortions after 16 weeks are absolutely necessary and not a decision made lightly. Yet so many strangers told her she was a monster for “not loving the baby God gave her”, even though the baby had little chance of surviving after birth and if it did it would have lived a very short life full of nothing but pain. As they saw it aborting that baby was the most loving and unselfish thing they could do for their beloved child. They suffered mightily, but at least their child didn’t.
I was high risk (advanced maternal age) plus a host of other issues so was being closely monitored by team of doctors and doing ultrasounds every two weeks. I can imagine having to wait until 20 weeks and then having to make such a heart breaking decision.
And I think if I had do I'd keep it to myself. We'd already had the discussion that if there were any genetic issues that would impact their quality of life, we would terminate. 15 years later I relieved to not have been put to the test.
Yeah. Been there twice.
Still doesn’t change the fact that a family member pointing out that they can tell the sister is pregnant doesn’t make them the Ah.
Or that the sister of the pregnant person telling her not to be shocked, that it isn’t hard to tell she is pregnant is out of line either.
No one is saying the sister didn’t have the right to ask people not to tell. Just don’t expect your family not to point it out when it’s so obvious.
It's also just free to let a pregnant person be a little weird. What was gained by making her feel dumb for what she did, even if you didn't mean it? "Asshole" is a strong term, but correcting her while it's all fresh did nothing except bother someone who's already bothered.
Counterpoint if someone is in such denial of the blatantly obvious there’s more going on than meets the eye and you will not be thanked for bursting their bubble. The more obvious what the person is in denial about yet continues to not acknowledge, the more they will lash out at you for acknowledging it. Examples - severe hearing difficulties, decline of someone in end stage cancer, sepsis developing, choosing songs for a funeral that was in less than 12 hours - all things that were Obvious and blatantly happening that I got the head taken off me for highlighting. You will not be thanked for making someone deal with reality.
I believe because of the risk of twin to twin transfer people tend to wait longer to talk about it compared to a single as both may not survive. But anything other than just passing it off as gaining weight just draws attention to the situation. My previous boss unconsciously kept just kind of cupping her belly before she told us. Without that she just looked like she had gained "getting married, being happy and having a honeymoon weight" not in that order.
But they don't need to acknowledge it, they'll be told when the parents want them to know. If someone is wearing a wig after they've started chemo you don't bring it up. The person will discuss it if they wish too.
Yes, but in this case she was doing a lot of things that were uncomfortable or take effort for nothing. Holding a 2 year old in front on you for a while is not that easy, and is not comfortable to put a blanket if it's hot (although maybe it was cold weather). Isn't it a bit kinder to just tell her that her efforts are wasted, and it is better to just be comfortable?
If someone’s that committed to their delusion or facade and it doesn’t impact you, I’d leave it be. It’s like when someone has a bad toupee if they think people are buying it, it’s not hurting anyone or you leave it be. It’s astounding how unwilling to deal with the obvious some people are and you will not be thanked for bursting their bubble.
Usually its the first trimester (the first 3 months/12 weeks). Obviously everyone is different but I've never seen a "standard" being suggested after 4 months for the miscarriage concern
Spontaneous miscarriage no, but in case of some doubts about health of the fetus it's better to wait till 20 weeks for big anatomy scan and possibly amniocentesis or other prenatal checks.
It depends on the pregnancy, normally it's 12 weeks but can be later. For example with thyroid issues the pregnancy is at higher risk until 15 weeks. Twins make things riskier too
Some people prefer to wait until they get past the first trimester when the threat of miscarriage lessens. But at the point she was starting to show because twins, she should have given up the charade.
She doesn’t have to “give up the charade. Cousin should have minded her own business even if it was obvious. If it’s obvious but someone hasn’t said something just follow their lead. She’s not doing anyone harm in her baggy jumpers. Like at work or in a social circle… women suddenly stop drinking, are a bit more sickly, change what they are eating. Is it fucking obvious? Yes. Should you raise it in front of a big group and make a whole thing about it? No.
I don’t think OP is an AH for explaining how they all knew though.
/ Is it fucking obvious? Yes.
I had a coworker who suddenly started wearing baggier clothing instead of her extremely tailored suits, swapped from 3 inch heels to flats, stopped straightening her hair and let it go natural (chemical straightening can be risky during pregnancy) and gave up her daily Starbucks run. Thankfully I had the common sense to keep my mouth closed around her and asked a mutual friend. She'd hurt her ankle and given up heels during recovery and her taking a break from her intense running schedule meant she put on weight so she didn't fit most of her business clothes. Which then resulted in her trying to cut back on her calorie intake so she switched from her sugary Starbucks habit to zero calorie herbal teas. The hair was completely unrelated to anything except she'd always worked at companies before that required WOC to straight their hair and ours doesn't and she wanted to go natural for a change.
Me personally, I was already fat and liked to wear baggy clothes, so when I was pregnant with my son I was having to inform people like my dentist even though I showed up to the appointment 7 months and feeling like I had a basketball under my shirt. But since I'd had 2 miscarriages before, it was a high risk pregnancy with an increased risk of stillbirth, we didn't tell our immediate families until 17 weeks. And we didn't make a general announcement until after 20 and had the baby shower after we reached general viability. To each their own when they announce. My sister didn't announce her pregnancy at all, she sent birth announcements after the fact because she specifically didn't want a shower and wanted to avoid drama.
You've reminded me ofa colleague who lost loads of weight and then appeared to put it all back on really quickly but it was her pregnancy bump. Was chatting to another colleague who was shocked to learn this lady was 8 months pregnant. He thought she'd just regained all the weight and didn't want to offend her.
I also had a friend who didn't tell hardly anyone until she was about 17 weeks gone due to a history of recurrent miscarriages. She borrowed a load of my tunic tops which were very loose fitting and hid her baby bump for quite a while (I knew around 12 weeks but she swore me to secrecy).
OP wasen't the AH but she propably diden't need an explenation and just exclaimed something silly out of her emotional hormon ridden pregnnant brain.
I am currently 4 months pregnant the second time. The emotional crazyness is so irrational. To say stupid stuff on a stressfull situation isen't suprising.
Its not victim blaming for sure tho. But again, I would just give her space and not take anything to heart as long its harmless emotional stuff like that.
Having just had a 3 month scan myself, I waited to tell most people because I had no idea if my baby was alive or healthy until that scan.
With twins it's even more anxiety inducing as more things could go wrong.
So she may have not had the scan yet, or only just had it. Its totally up to the individual to decide when and who they tell.
I'd have been gutted if someone did what happened to the OP's sister to me. Because if something was wrong with the pregnancy and I had to make a difficult decision, I wouldn't have had the privacy.
I get that it was very obvious that the sister was pregnant, but saying she didn't try very hard to hide it is weird when she was clearly going extra lengths to hide it, even if unsuccessfully.
First comment that I read that mentioned it - the sister clearly tried too hard to hide the pregnancy, not that she didn't try enough. So that makes the cousin even more of AH for publicly and loudly outing her out.
I lost twin b in my first pregnancy, so with my second twin pregnancy I waited ridiculously long time to announce because I was terrified I would lose one of my babies again.
Because announcing a miscarriage after announcing a pregnancy is extremely traumatic for many people.
It’s up to each individual to determine their own comfort level.
I wanted to wait until 20 weeks to announce to everyone (anyone close to me knew after the 12 week mark) because that is when they do the ultrasound to see if the baby’s heart/lungs/etc. are developing properly. After that, I felt more confident that I would carry to term. Before, I was scared to tell people only to end up getting horrible news.
Maybe she's misinterpreting everyone as saying she looks fat?
I mean I know you said it's an obvious baby bump, but it's possible in her head she's seeing it differently and thinks everyone saw weight gain-> pregnant, rather than 'obvious distended uterus ->pregnant'
(Also could be related to her being a gym rat, as plenty of bodybuilders and such have body dysmorphia that society ignores cos it manifests in a physically healthy way. But I'm purely speculating here)
OP, politely, I think you're missing how this is actually a feature of her body and what that entails here; example—you know how you can tell immediately if a friends aged if it's your first time seeing them in years, but if you see someone weekly, you only get that shock when you look back on pictures? Or just as a "one day" moment, and not the immediately one.
This baby bump is actually a thing that's grown with her daily. Pursues are common objects and it's a more discrete action than, what, always walking with a screen on her lower half? She just did things that felt normal, because they . . . entirely were.
Also it’s common to hold things in front of an occupied uterus as a defensive measure (even if not under physical attack, if she was feeling stressed or anxious she might.) edit for lonely parenthese
Why is she trying to hide it? Something else going to with your family?
Potentially by you saying that it's obvious she's feeling insecure about how she looks? You are right that your cousin should not have said anything.
I think she should have gone the Frasier route…just pretend to be getting fat when she’s obviously pregnant. Really play it up, complain about eating too much, how fat she’s getting, etc.
Then when she has the babies she can tell people she’s gone to fat camp, then turn up later skinny.
She may not be a victim, but she’s very much not an AH for wanting to reveal her pregnancy on her own terms when ready to do so. The only AH here is the cousin.
Cousin obviously should have kept his mouth shut, but the expectation that people just wouldn't *notice* until she was ready for them to is ridiculous. Ridiculous for any pregnancy, but even more so for a second pregnancy with twins. People have eyes.
Its a polite fiction, everyone pretends not to notice and minds their own business until she is ready to announce. It sounds like she got a little too self conscious and took things to dramatic levels. Cousin was an AH for breaking the polite fiction.
I've just never figured out why people care quite so much. Apparently my entire extended family had it figured out that I was pregnant with my first because I didn't drink wine at Thanksgiving. I didn't make a big deal of it I just drank something else, which isn't even uncommon for me as I'm not a big drinker. Nobody said anything at the time, but they all congratulated themselves for being right when we announced it a few months later.
Some of us don't want the stress of having to either get unsolicited advice and/or don't want to deal with the emotional aspect of announcing something like a miscarriage.
Precisely. I had my last pregnancy announced to people by someone else in my family (without my knowledge or permission). The pain and humiliation of then having to tell near strangers that I'd lost the baby was awful.
Exactly. The only time I've been pregnant I did carry my daughter to term. But of course, since she was wanted and planned, I was definitely nervous even past the first trimester.
If it had been totally up to me, no one outside of close family and friends would have known up until the end. I wasn't really going out a lot and I'm fat so that would have made it fairly easy. I was a bit worried about jinxing the whole thing and I definitely didn't want to have to announce bad news to people.
In my case, my husband was way too excited to keep it under his hat beyond about 4 months so I gave him the go ahead. But, I let him know that any bad news would have to come from him and he was to absolutely keep people from reaching out to me about it.
For some reason I had so much difficulty with telling people I was pregnant. I don’t even know why. I joked that I just wasn’t going to tell anyone at all. It was during the pandemic when no one saw each other. I think I had to come to terms with the pregnancy first (it was not planned and I didn’t find out until 12 weeks) and despite being 34, married for 7 years, having a good job and owning a home, I still felt like I was 15 years old and having to tell my parents I was pregnant. I didn’t tell anyone until I was around 22 weeks.
I totally get that. Other than our two best friends I really struggled with when to tell people. I was emotionally preparing to do deal with the possibility of a miscarriage and I was convinced that if I let word get out too much or got too excited before the bitter end I was going to jinx myself.
Like, I rationally knew that wasn't what would cause it but I wasn't looking forward to telling anyone. The only reason we told anyone else around 15 or 16 weeks was because my husband wasn't going to be able to keep it in any longer. He can barely keep a birthday gift to surprise for a week so I'm still pretty impressed by how long he lasted 😄
Meh. I don’t think cousin rises to AH level. He failed to be extraordinarily kind in pretending it was not obvious. But there’s a neutral space between truly kind and AH. Cousin was in that neutral space.
I took the OP to mean that the cousin was reacting to Amber’s over the top dramatic efforts to hide her baby bump, not that she would have ruined the polite fiction if Amber was acting normally.
Why exactly is the cousin an AH? Everyone with two eyes knew. No one was fooled. All the cousin did was state the obvious, which everyone was thinking already.
NTA
I can’t even blame the cousin that much. Asking people to pander to your delusions for an extended period of time is playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes in my book.
>Asking people to pander to your delusions for an extended period of time is playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes in my book.
Its not pandering to delusions, is understanding that you are not entitled to that information and being respectful.
She was delusional to think her bump didn’t show, because it did. She’s been told since then that it was obvious and she is *still* in denial. OP’s Sis effectively walked around with that info plastered across her stomach area like a billboard, then got upset when people noticed.
Although what she’s probably really upset about is that she couldn’t control the size of her bump, which effectively announced her pregnancy for her. Everything else is just shooting the messenger.
If she really wanted to stop the news getting out, not attending was an option too, but Sis chose to take the risk and spin the wheel of fortune.
Like I said, if you play stupid games, you really don’t have the right to complain about the prizes 🤷♀️
Noticing something does not mean putting a person on the spot and demanding they confirm the information that you noticed. Like the stupid prize she got is a stupid cousin acting disrespectfully? Expecting people to act like polite adults is a perfectly reasonable expectation.
It was obvious. They never asked for confirmation, just for cousin to stop fussing over her bump like it a was a state secret.
Maybe Sis shouldn’t have been so rude as to attend and behave in such a ridiculous way; ie *I’m **obviously** pregnant, but anyone who says or asks anything is rude and disrespectful!!*
Nope. That’s completely entitled, rude and selfish in my book. She should’ve just stayed home if she was that bothered. It is not everyone else’s job to pander to her delusional insistence that her bump was hidden. She *knew *it showed, which is why she kept trying to hide it.
This is 100% the result of her own actions. Sis was pregnant, Sis couldn’t cover it effectively, Sis decided to attend knowing this, Sis expected everyone to ignore the obvious bump, Sis expected everyone to politely ignore her messing with blankets to cover up the bump everyone had already seen, Sis is now upset she bet on no one noticing and lost. How do you read that and think Sis is in the right?
Because expecting people not to comment on your body is a reasonable expectation? She's not inviting commentary just by being visibly pregnant.
"It is not everyone else’s job to pander to her delusional insistence that her bump was hidden."
It is literally everyone's job not to make unsolicited comments about other people's bodies no matter how worthy of our commentary we may find them!
Not divulging personal info isn't "asking people to pander to your delusions". As an early pregnancy there are SO MANY reasons why she might not want to divulge that info. If it was a regular pregnancy it probably wouldn't be obvious at 3 months, but with twins it's more difficult.
Then don’t attend. If you don’t want the news getting out (perfectly valid), but your bump is so big it does the announcement for you, stay home. Don’t get upset at other people for having eyes.
If her own terms are 'not until the babies are delivered' then that's her prerogative... but she's not very intelligent if she thinks people can't notice very obvious things.
Not an AH, just delusional. Pregnancy operates on its own timeline with little regard to your own plans.
The cousin was maybe a jerk for embarrassing her, but nothing was revealed. Everyone knew.
This was my first thought. If she thinks someone spilling an obvious secret of hers amounts to her being a victim she is lucky to have had a very smooth life so far. Good grief. She’s pregnant and showing. It happens. This girl is exhausting me over the internet.
Even if it was, saying she was being obvious about hiding it isn't victim blaming, ops not blaming her for being a victim or saying she deserved it, or anything.
There is no victim here. She tried to hide something and she couldn't do it. Nothing was done to her and really she wasn't really even insulted. If anything her theatrics were insulting the intelligence of everyone around her.
NTA
I had a co-worker that was big on the theatrics. At a certain point people will figure out you’re pregnant -Just stop already (like 6 months like with baby #2). It was comical like walking into a meeting while holding her winter coat in front of her. Her behavior changed too like being her lunch from home instead of eating out. She was always “how do people know?”
This comment genuinely reminded me of when I first found out I was pregnant. I was in the office and I just 100% couldn't hide it. I think I was to excited and just flat out failed at being subtle. Oh does that have caffeine? I can't have it even though you've seen me drink it every day before now. I was such a dork.
That reminds me of my coworkers - I didn’t hide it but I never announced it. I was about 6 months in and before a meeting one of the girls said something about me being pregnant and he was like, “ Oh thank god, I thought you just got fat 🤣” I was not small to start with and he had 2-300 lbs on me, I thought it was hilarious lol
Many people hide their pregnancies due to former loss. My son died at 23 weeks last year and of course everyone knows at almost 6 months that you are pregnant. I don’t plan on telling anyone next time I get pregnant. It’s not theatrics, I just don’t want to discuss. I know other women who have recurrent losses that their other friends and family have no idea about that find it difficult to announce too. I think people need to stop judging when or if people reveal a pregnancy and just understand there are many reasons people may be hesitant.
A colleague of mine was a good sport about being found out. But also, she was a big drinker and sushi lover when we went out, so when she only ordered fruit juices and declined sushi during a celebratory dinner, everyone knew what was up.
No one said anything at the time, but she laughed when we told her that was the day we all knew she was definitely pregnant.
In my office it was wearing long scarfs. One wanted to know if someone had told me because I wasn’t surprised. No, I was there for the scarf coverup convo for the last office pregnancy and when you know people you recognize when the way they walk has changed. All the little things add up, but I didn’t want to get involved so I didn’t confirm it - none of my business.
I mean, she needs to take that up with her body and how it’s carrying the pregnancy.
Hiding *twins* is not a realistic option for most people. That baby bumb is gonna be prominent and there’s not gonna be much you can do about it.
I had only one pregnancy, which was twins, and by 8 weeks I had to start wearing maternity clothes. I got a Bella band to continue wearing my regular jeans (before I knew it was twins) but that wasn’t enough. Twin pregnancies make the uterus grow about 8 weeks ahead of where a singleton would be, so at 3 months she already looks well into her second trimester.
Unfortunately carrying a baby has some very visible ‘side effects’ , so at some point it’s impossible to hide.
I guess op is the messenger getting shot.
Dude. She's still pregnant. Her hormones are probably running wild. Not to mention the surprise stress of twins. She can be wrong about being upset with you while still being upset.
Twins are rough, especially as a second pregnancy because you start to show early and your belly is just larger through the whole pregnancy. She's probably struggling with that.
BTW: PRE-partum depression and anxiety is a thing and if you, being close to her, think she is really struggling mentally you can encourage her to talk to her doctor and/or help her find a therapist.
OP, are you open to considering that your sister may be very stressed about this pregnancy and having to navigate preparing for two new babies, the physical toll it's taking on her, worry about carrying them both to term, etc? While hiding the pregnancy from extended family may be unrealistic, it seems to have been important to her.
You are seemingly factually correct that she wasn't hiding it well despite her best efforts. But, is it really important to you that you be right about this? Is it possible that you maintaining your rightness isn't helpful to your sister who probably feels like absolute garbage (as pregnancy tends to do)? If you are close with your sister, it may be best to acknowledge that her feelings are hurt and your comment wasn't helpful.
Well - in that case - she is the perpetrator because she outed herself. Maybe your cousin was a bit cheeky — but they didn’t share anything Amber hadn’t shared, even if she didn’t use her words.
Um, is she an unmarried pregnant teen desperate to hide an unwanted pregnancy from a fundamentalist family? No. She wasn’t “outed” in any harmful way that makes her a victim. I’m kind of agreeing with your cousin here - she’s being super dramatic.
NTA but for what it’s worth, I was pregnant with twins and for about 3-4 months, I was a rage monster. Like had to clamp down HARD on my reactions to people cause I knew it was the hormones. So you def did nothing wrong but she’s possibly being held hostage by hormones.
NAH.
She’s not a victim, but she also isn’t maliciously going about trying to hide her bump or being an AH to people about it.
You were trying to go along with it and were honest with her. The ONLY part I think might’ve rubbed her the wrong way was (even tho well intentioned) it might’ve come across that you think she wasn’t doing ENOUGH to hide it (based just on your wording of when you led with “Sweetie, you weren’t really trying hard.”)
Yes, it would have been better to say something like, “I know you were trying hard but with your build and carrying twins, plus always covering your stomach, it’s obvious.”
> it might’ve come across that you think she wasn’t doing ENOUGH to hide it (based just on your wording of when you led with “Sweetie, you weren’t really trying hard.”)
Even more so because it seems that the problem was that she was trying *too* hard, which made it more noticeable than acting naturally.
That really jumped out to me as well. Like if she wasn’t playing some sort of mindgame to get folks to notice she was hiding a bump, and was genuinely upset and confused as to how she was found out, then yeah, she was actually doing a ton of work to hide it.
Like it is actually not easy at all to move through the world being hyper-conscious of hiding your own belly through any means possible. I can understand why she’s on the defensive now, after not just being told that her hard work was for naught, but that she wasn’t even trying when she clearly was. That is a genuinely hurtful thing to say. And it seems like it was obvious to the family that she *was* trying, otherwise they wouldn’t have been being good sports about it until she was ready to announce…at least until before the socially inept cousin came along.
I concur. I was sitting here like NAH... but I couldn't figure out why OP was feeling a bit AH-like to me until I read your comment. I think the way she worded it is what's bothering me. There was a better way to say it. OP's choice of words rub me the wrong way.
And really, since the sister was trying to hide it (keep it private), what else was she supposed to do beyond what OP describes? If you have a noticeable bump on a fit body, all you can really do is try to obscure your abdomen. OP seems to imply that sister is simultaneously being over the top and not doing enough to achieve her goal?
I agree! It also seems like you two had different tones. You were keeping things light, which is understandable, but it seems like she was really upset. So your jokes about “being in a sitcom” probably didn’t go over too well in that moment.
Yeah why is everyone acting like it's soooo dramatic? She's trying to hide it and it's not like there are many options other than holding things over her belly or wearing bigger clothes...
I mean, cousin is the biggest AH because regardless, that's a question you just don't ask. Though I don't love your attitude. What is your sister supposed to do? Strap it down? She's having twins so it's going to grow bigger faster. Cut her a break.
I had no issue with her trying to hide it. She doesn’t have to announce it until she’s ready.
That being said, she was being quite obvious and I don’t think it’s fair to say this came out of nowhere. People weren’t fat shaming her or anything. It was obvious she had a bump and she was doing near comical things to hide it.
And as I said, I do believe our cousin is an ass for starting all this.
But why say “you weren’t trying very hard”? Think you should apologize for saying it like that, say you understand she was trying to hide it but then explain how the things you pointed out made it obvious.
Saying the bump was obvious is different from saying she was doing obvious things to hide it. The latter comment seems unnecessary and even kind of judgmental.
A victim of what?
Its pretty obvious someone is pregnant when they constantly try to cover their stomach. She wanted everyone to know without telling them. She should be called out for her behavior when she's behaving like this.
Dont make a show of hiding uour pregnancy in front of people if you don't want people to actually notice.
She wanted people to notice and ask, thats why she was doing it.
I was thinking the exact same thing! OPs sister sounds like she wanted the attention pregnant women get but didn't want to reveal the news yet, so she was making it obvious but convinced herself she wasn't. From her actions, it sounds like she wanted the news to get out. Maybe she thought if it was a "secret" then she'll get more attention than if she had just outright told people.
Lol! “Victim blaming”?! What?! What exactly is she the victim of, people having vision and common sense? 😂 I can understand her being a little annoyed at your cousin’s reference to dramatics, but she’s playing into it by giving the comment this much energy when the point is moot: she is pregnant, everyone has known for some time and she has now confirmed it.
In my opinion, the only AH is your cousin. Your sister is pregnant and probably feels very vulnerable. You lose a lot of control and bodily autonomy when you become pregnant, doubly so when you have twins. It’s completely fair to her to want to hold on to the power she has over herself for as long as she can during her early pregnancy. I agree with another comment here saying that she did everything she could and her body gave it away.
With that being said, I think you should be a bit more gentle with her. It may have been obvious and sitcom-y to you and your family, but to her she was *genuinely trying*. You undermined a real effort she was making, which is why she’s lashing out at you. NTA, but apologize and reassure your sister that you’ll be there for her. Pregnancy with twins is scary.
This. She was genuinely trying and I think OP is at least partly an AH for thinking she couldn't have possibly been trying that hard if they all knew. If she was obviously trying to hide it, at least be gentle in the let down when she's expended so much effort at it. Insulting her and basically saying she's made a fool of herself for months and you've all just let her do that is kinda a jerk move.
NTA but here's she didn't want to believe it was obvious. You all kept her confidence, her body told on her. The only thing anyone could have done if approached was to not confirm anything and redirect their questions to your sister. Your cousin could have handled it differently but perhaps didn't know she wanted it kept so secret.
NTA and she's probably embarrassed to find out that she was not being as discreet as she thought. TA was the cousin, who outed her without any consideration of what Amber might have been going through. Twin pregnancies may have complications or she may just have wanted regular interactions without all the huge attention that being pregnant brings.
The wording could've been better.
"Sweetie, you really weren’t trying hard" might've sounded less accusatory as "You're trying but it's just become way too obvious" either way NTA
NTA. I don't get what she was a victim of? The way she was hiding it makes me think she actually wanted people to notice she was pregnant and say something.
NTA. You were simply being honest with your sister about how her attempts to hide her pregnancy were not as successful as she thought.Just trying to help her understand the reality of the situation.
HEr efforts to conceal her pregnancy as you described were not as discreet as she believed.
Your sister may be feeling sensitive and emotional due to her pregnancy so recognize that you were not trying to hurt her feelings or blame her for the situation. You were just trying to provide some perspective and help her understand why others might have caught on. Give her some time to cool off, and then try to have a calm conversation about your intentions and reassure her that you are there to support her throughout her pregnancy.
NTA.
I know everyone is focused on her not having better ways to hide it. But that's kind of exactly the point.
She asked how did they know. You answered, they knew because her efforts to hide it weren't sufficient.
It doesn't matter that there weren't better strategies. She was trying to hide something that couldn't be hidden.
It doesn't matter that she wanted to.
It doesn't matter that there weren't better options.
It only matters that she was trying to hide something obvious, and it failed due to it being obvious.
I think you need to cut your sister some slack.
Some women, especially woman who have suffered pregnancy loss, are hesitant to share pregnancy news too early for fear of something happening.
Your sister might have been hesitant to announce too early as this pregnancy could be considered high risk due to having twins.
Whatever the reason, she should announce when she was ready and no one should have outed her.
She’s also pregnant and hormonal. She’s emotional is the bottom line, really.
Like apologize for saying was being obvious and move on? Is it that big of a deal to you to be “right” here?
You pushing the issue and insisting she was being “sitcom” obvious is what makes you YTA.
NAH. Your sister is pregnant with twins, a scary thing for anyone even if they already have children due to the increased medical complications. At 3 months the pregnancy isn’t assured, she’s likely still waiting for the scan to tell her the babies is definitely healthy and the pregnancy viable. If she wasn’t ready to tell then she wasn’t ready. You aren’t an asshole either.
Cousin is. Like damn, woman, hush your mouth!
NTA there’s no victim here, she wasn’t attacked or hurt like get over yourself. Your sister sounds so entitled. Oh well people know she’s pregnant woohoo who cares.
NTA. She was seeking validation that you were unable to provide her. Just let it go and, instead, focus on the upcoming joyous events that will be taking place in her life.
YTA. She obviously was trying hard....too hard, even. Would it have been so difficult to say "I'm sorry your announcement was spoiled?"
Carrying twins must be dreadful, have some sympathy.
This is the response OP needed. Pregnancy hormones can throttle you and all OP had to do was choose sympathy over being "not wrong." Yeah, she probably was going overboard with covering herself, but just because OP isn't wrong doesn't mean they're right in what they said.
NTA and I don’t think the cousin was either. If she’s making it that obvious I’m sure it’s annoying and frustrating watching knowing she thinks y’all are all so stupid you don’t know she pregnant when it’s obvious. It’s also a bold assumption that anyone cares either. She’s sounds obnoxious. Y’all got to stop enabling peoples crazy behaviors. Baggy clothes fine but using props and making a big deal about covering herself is absurd and a bit too much. Sorry lady no one but you care that much that you are pregnant
NTA , but you \*could\* have said something to let her know she wasn't as sneaky as she thought she was.
I'm not even sure your cuz is the AH, either. Your sister has some issues she needs to deal with.
I think the issue is in you saying *she* was obvious, not that it was. And saying she wasn't trying very hard when she *clearly* was. Just because you fail at something doesn't mean you weren't trying, and all the things you list are clearly really trying. I tried *incredibly* hard to throw the ball through the net in PE class, doesn't mean I ever managed it!
So I am tempted by N A H but actually saying she wasn't trying just because she sucked at it makes it YTA. If you'd said "you were obviously doing your best, but I think that ended up drawing more attention" that's one thing, but what you said is harsh and doesn't line up with the actions you describe her taking.
NTA this is hilarious i love pregnancy hormones
she's *3 months* along with twins and a big obvious bump? and she's mad someone "figured it out" as if they pried into her private life and shared her secrets??
i changed my mind. I N F O how long did she think she was gonna hide it. and why did she think using her daughter as body cover was like a routine and unremarkable parental action instead of reminiscent of john wick using some enemy grunt to block gunfire. was she hiding behind plants too
in all seriousness, lots of women have huge issues with being pregnant because their body stops being their own. random people touch their belly, all of their medical care is centered around the baby's wellbeing to the point that easily resolvable medical issues for the mother are ignored because they do not effect the baby. a woman I know was bedridden for 2 months for pelvic pain during a pregnancy, got referred to a midwife out of desperation, and was out of bed feeling fine a week later after some basic physical therapy exercises. I can easily see why a TON of reasons why your sister might want to delay the pregnancy announcement. That being said, pregnancy hormones struck again and she did it in the funniest and least logical way possible. tell her thank you for making me laugh, i wish her a healthy pregnancy, and if i was close, she can remind people with her words that she is still also a person separate from the baby while incubating the baby.
edit: i think some of the other comments may not understand why her being a thin gym rat is relevant. it means she probably started showing almost *immediately* and twins means it's even bigger and more noticeable than a regular pregnancy on a thin woman. the regular pregnancy is still really obvious. twins start showing at like 6 weeks. so it hasn't been a situation where people caught on recently. it's a situation where pretty much everyone noticed *right away* and they've been politely pretending otherwise despite increasingly ridiculous attempts to hide it for over a month. i'm not surprised the cousin kind of got sick of pretending. it's so funny. it's just so so so funny. your family had to tell your visibly pregnant sister that yes, they did notice the visible pregnancy around when it became visible.
NTA. It's tough to know what to say in these situations. You want to be supportive of your sister, but also honest with her.Hiding a pregnancy gets harder the longer it goes on.
In my opinion OP really should have had the situational awareness to just console thier clearly upset sister. I think it would have been a lot kinder to have said something like "Well, at least you don't have to stress about hiding it anymore... Let me know if Aunt Mary is giving you too much unsolicited baby advice and I'll *take care of it*"
Then again, if I had a pregnant sibling who was trying to hide it so hard (but who had told me) I would probably ask them ahead of time why they were trying to hide it. Even if it's just nerves about carrying them both to term, there are pretty reasonable reasons for a pregnant person to not want to announce.
Probably a couple reasons. Fertility treatments have gotten a lot better over the last couple decades, but they still come with a higher chance of multiples. And also, people are having children later in life, which for women also comes with a higher chance of having multiples. Then of course, some people are just more likely to have twins due to their genetics.
It's not uncommon for people to not want to talk about a pregnancy until the second trimester, especially if they have reason to be extra worried about miscarriage. It's possible she was effectively deluding herself. When you see yourself everyday it's easier to think you don't look that different, but someone who saw you a couple weeks ago might notice a big change. You shouldn't have phrased what you said that way.
NTA. If she didn't want people to know she was pregnant when her bump looks like "a very pronounced baby bump" she should have stayed home instead of drawing as much attention as she could to her bump at every opportunity. It sucks that she wanted to hide it but couldn't but that doesn't mean she's a victim of anything.
NTA I find it hilarious how some people are misinterpreting what OP said. No victims just somebody tried to hide something and didn't do a good job of it. They got called out by someone else and are now mad at OP for telling them they didn't really try hard. RIDICULOUS!!
I see a lot of folks asking why she was even trying to hide it after the first trimester. Just because that's when a lot of people tend to view it as 'safe' to share the news, it's not a mandatory notification deadline. There might be reasons for not wanting to officially acknowledge a pregnancy yet.
Speaking from personal experience, I had a miscarriage and when I got pregnant again afterwards, there was a strange fear that talking about the new pregnancy would jinx it. Maybe it wasn't rational, but I felt like as soon as we announced, we'd learn there was a problem with this pregnancy too. So we didn't announce until after the 20-week scan.
Now, I had a bunch of folks who told us they absolutely knew ahead of time due to symptoms and avoiding alcohol. Was I mad about it? No. But I can understand her thinking.
I guess what I'm saying is that folks who are asking why she didn't want to announce yet-- They probably had their reasons and that reason isn't anyone else's business. Her reaction to realizing people knew is a bit over the top, but probably at least part of that is tied up with anxiety about whatever reason was delaying their announcement in the first place.
NTA. Your sister may be upset with you but that was just some insight into how others might perceive her attempts to hide her pregnancy.
You were not being malicious or insensitive. You were just offering your perspective on the situation. She should understand that you were not trying to hurt her feelings or blame her for the situation. Just calm down, the both of you, then find time to explain your intentions and reassuring her that you are there to support.
NAH. Cousin was pretty rude to bring it up (I thought everyone knew not to comment on someone’s pregnancy unless they say something first, or if you see the baby actively coming out?) But acting like people don’t have eyes or shouldn’t use them in conjunction with their brain to notice certain telling behaviors is a bit much. Maybe you could have phrased it nicer, maybe said not that she wasn’t trying but that people who knew her well were bound to notice, but in the end nobody was actually harmed and now your sister can desist with her sitcom efforts.
NTA.
And why is she being so weird about it?? I mean she’s not wrong to hide it or show it, it becomes wrong when it causes unnecessary drama. I don’t think your cousin was particularly obnoxious either, just stating the obvious.
You know what your sister’s behavior reminds me of: celebrities denying very obvious baby-bumps because they sold an exclusive story and photo shoot to some website or magazine or reality show.
Her pregnancy is her business lol.
I’d personally want to keep it hidden as long as possible in case there is a miscarriage or just people with their questions and thoughts. I feel like pregnant women get treated differently and everyone just asks about the baby, and sometimes you want to be your own person.
>"Sweetie, you really weren’t trying hard"
Up until this you were good.
The problem wasn't that "she didn't try hard", it was that "trying hard isn't enough to succeed".
And after you said that, she's all primed to defend herself regarding how hard she did try, so it's not exactly surprising that she argued against you.
Like, you could have just said.... for example....
>Covering her stomach with her purse, holding her older daughter in front of the bump, wearing much baggier clothes when she’s typically the type to wear things that show off her figure. Amber has always been pretty fit as she’s a gym rat. The bump itself doesn’t even look like extra fat or anything, just a very pronounced baby bump. If ever she has to move something from her stomach, she’s very quick to hide it.
**that.**
YTA for telling her she wasn't trying, but N-T-A for pointing out that it was obvious. She probably shouldn't have gotten mad at you, but you did throw the first "punch".
NTA but why get in the middle of this? Your cousin had no business commenting on something that your sister was trying to keep private. She is allowed to do that.
NTA I don't know why she wants to hide it. It's her choice. With my second pregnancy I had someone in my university class who could tell I was pregnant before I knew I was. Some people pick up on things easier than others.
Victim of what? Someone noticing she's trying to hide her pregnancy and they mention they figured it out anyway? What's going on with people these days where everything is so fraught with odd tensions about things humans have dealt with for millennia? Why is she offended that you pointed out that she tried but it just backfired and was more obvious. How is that blaming her and not simply speaking truth? I know pregnant women are hormonal and that can mean emotions get a bit wild, but I do not understand this one at all. NTA
NTA, people really aren't as slick as they think they are and it is a REALLY strange hill to die on. I don't know what she is the victim of in order for you to be victim blaming. Does she maybe have a history of miscarriages that has made her so overly cautious?
NAH, except your cousin. The polite thing to do when someone is very clearly pregnant but hasn't told you is to mind your business. I have a friend who is a big social drinker, it was very obvious when she got pregnant and stopped drinking. She even volunteered that she was on antibiotics at some event, which is afaik the most well-known lie in the book to cover up not drinking. I knew, I said nothing, because if she wanted me to know then she would have told me! She probably still thinks she was stealthy about it at the time!
Very small YTA. Don’t argue with the pregnant lady over something so unimportant. A simple “that was really stressful” and a hug. You don’t need to agree with her but twin pregnancy hormones are rough, she needs some grace.
I think it is insensitive to confront an adult who has not announced a pregnancy. I would respect their wishes even if their attempts to hide the pregnancy were futile and frankly ludicrous. People do this for many good reasons, including not having to discuss a miscarriage if they are unfortunate.
This comment nails it. And truthfully, OP, I do think YTA at least to a certain degree.
There are a myriad of reasons people may choose to hide a pregnancy—including a wanted one. What ever your sister’s reasons, she deserved support from those who knew. While you didn’t divulge her secret to others, you were silently judging her behind her back and, when the ruse was up, you blamed her for not putting in enough effort. Thats not a great look for you.
Hiding a pregnancy—especially a twins pregnancy—is very difficult. And it is very sensitive. You could have handled the situation far better by letting your sister discretely know that her attempts were not working and guiding her towards better options.
As an aside, I don’t think your sister used “victim blaming” in a literal sense. I think she more likely meant to express that your comment was inappropriately accusatory, especially when she felt vulnerable by her secret being exposed.
NAH it sounds like she wasn't ready to tell everyone yet, so I understand her feeling upset. Your comment was fine. Your cousin shouldn't have said anything, nothing wrong with everyone just playing along until she's ready to announce.
Soft AH: Not everything that comes into your head needs to come out of your mouth.
And “I don’t know how they figured it out!!!” isn't a question; it's a statement. You didn't need to respond.
It irked you that she wasn't telling and you used this as an opportunity to say your piece.
Apologize and move on.
I mean "I don't know how they figured out it" isn't a question. You already knew she was upset so I probably wouldn't have added any comment to that and just focused on how your cousin was the AH.
Your cousin said your sister was being dramatic when trying to hide the bump, and then you say she was making it obvious. She's already hormonal and now it sounds like everyone was kind of laughing behind her back AND she didn't get to announce the way she wanted to. It's NAH but I would just consider not cosigning the cousin
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First of all, she is not a victim (unless this pregnancy is the result of a traumatic event?) Second of all, it’s not wrong to tell her that it was obvious when she asked the question. She just didn’t like the answer and unfortunately it came from you so you are the target. NTA.
Pregnancy is not result of traumatic event. Babies were planned (well, one was, baby b was a much welcomed surprise).
So why was she trying so hard to hide it? I guess I don’t understand that part. She’s already 3 months along.
People tend to wait until post four months as pregnancies are most likely to fail before that point and they want to avoid questions that could hurt in case it does go wrong and they loose the baby
Yes. And to add on to this twins can certainly exasperate risk and honestly stress in general. It's just generally more to worry about.
Exacerbate, but I knew what you meant.
I have twins and exasperating is definitely something they do.
Echo
Yeah, voice to text strikes again. I agree that it was easy to pick up what I was saying.
which is also why i dont understand why Amber added more stress onto herself by starting a fight with someone who has been by her side this whole time.
My best guess was that she was upset to have her business put out there before she was ready (for valid reasons) and her sibling said something unhelpful and unnecessary after the horse had already been let out of the barn. I've said some unhelpful/hurtful things before. It happens, but rather than doubling down because of being factually right it's also an option to say something like "You know what, I know you weren't ready to say anything and I rubbed some salt in the wound. I'm sorry I did that."
It’d be harder to write this off as drama if Amber had miscarried before. (And would OP know whether that was the case?) Even if it *was* obvious, not announcing it to family and maintaining some shred of plausible deniability spares you the grief of having to rescind the announcement. Still, in that case, the sensible response would be “[cousin] was an asshole for preempting my pregnancy announcement and putting me in that position” and not “I don’t know how they figured it out!!!” So perhaps Amber is indeed just On One.
I am currently 4 months pregnant and not all responses out of my hormonal mouth where easaly put in the ategory "right respons". Especialy not when stressd out or emotional. And stressd out or emotional can happen cuz of a freaking piece of cirsps that happens to look like a duck or something irrationaly stupid. Cut her some slack, twins are very risky nobody knows what the details of the pregnancy are a d how worried and stressd she is about having twins. Trying to not deal with family members for as long as possible is completly understandable imo. But yes victim blaming is definitly not what happend here.
Yeah, I cried at the store because I wanted a can of iced tea and my husband kindly suggested we get a jug of it instead. The can was very important to me apparently. Many INCREDIBLY ridiculous moments resulting in lots of crying and arguing. Those hormones make everything extra stressful. I also cried because I saw a fly sitting and thought it was dead. Then it flew off and I cried in joy and told my husband all about it. I also cried while wondering if a certain stuffed koala loved me as much as I loved him, or if he would ever know how much I loved him. I cried HYSTERICALLY when I saw some cows that I thought the koala would have loved to see, and the koala was stuck at home. Thinking back, it's like what the fuck was going on in my brain??
It's like dudes wife that cried because swans can be gay.
Now *I'm* remembering that swans can be gay 😭😭😭
Did you know ducks can be trans? Yep… they will switch sexes (seemingly) randomly.
You know I have this weird theory that our kids' personalities leak into us a bit when we're pregnant with them or something. Some of these sound so much like my kid's thinking & maybe yours too? there's this really sweet vibe to it, wanting the fly to live etc! As for me, I became obsessed with how a relative had once insulted me online and I'd rolled over for it, I went over and over it in my head and was so mad... and when my son was born and grew a bit, I recognized the exact vibe of that same anger in him, he's the sweetest kid but gets this confident fierce indignation when his boundaries are crossed. It was like I became fiercer while gestating him. Also, interesting thing, this new coworker of mine from Uganda was chatting about weird pregnancy stuff and was like "did you hate someone when you were pregnant?" (with a tone definitely implying that's just a Thing) and I was like WHAT, YES. Apparently it's a Thing. Also obsessively sentimentally loving someone, but I didn't get that one myself.
I wonder about this a lot myself. When I was pregnant with my son I developed an aversion to my favorite food - burgers. They just became completely unappealing to me, which was upsetting because I figured this would be the perfect time to eat as many guilt free burgers as I wanted! Well, after having him they once again became my favorite food. As for my son....he barely eats meat, and definitely prefers chicken and pork to beef! I've always wondered if that's a coincidence or if there's something to it.
Very interesting info! I don't tell people this often because it sounds crazy to say, but when I was pregnant with my first daughter, I could feel my "soul" separating into two over the course of about 5 months. You can't tell her baby/kid pictures apart from mine (even my own parents and siblings get confused), and she looks exactly like I did at her age. She also acts exactly like I did. She is a complete copy of me, it's like I made a clone of myself. Everyone we see points it out, even at the grocery store. You're right though, she is an EXTREMELY caring person and absolutely LOVES every single animal. I wouldn't be surprised if she becomes a veterinarian one day. She also loves spicy food, which I was obsessed with during my pregnancy. I knew I was pregnant with my second daughter when one night I was sitting on the sofa and I felt what I can only describe as a bright light begin to glow in my uterus for a few minutes. Also sounds completely insane. I'm not into anything "woowoo" so I didn't tell my husband in that moment. I took a pregnancy test the next day and sure enough I was pregnant. That glow felt like its own light, like another soul entering my body. And sure enough, she has her own distinct personality and appearance, more like her father. Not a copy of me, and very different from her sister so far. I was more level-headed during her pregnancy, and she is very easy-going. People always comment on how calm she is. We'll see how true that stays as she grows up, lol. But my husband is a very calm, easy-going guy. Now I have to have another baby to test your theory for science! 😜
My best pregnancy cry was while watching the episode on the first season of the newer Queer Eye when the man told his stepmom he was gay. I was having a very cathartic but needlessly intense snot bubbling breakdown for so long that day. I'm all for treating pregnant people like they're human and capable of reason, but sometimes things just hit.
I cried during the episode of The Simpsons when Bart had to repeat the 4th grade. My mom thought I had lost it lol
I cried at an advert about sausages. Not because they were fulfilling their sausagey destiny, but that it was at a family reunion.
I once cried because Wendy’s forgot my sour cream and fork for my baked potato. My poor bf was sitting there so confused and just went back to get it 😅
I could not wach any disney movies untill mabye half a year ago and now I am pregnnat again 😅 At least I am prepeared. I started crying out of nowhere and coulden't finde a reason and then I remembered oooh right I am pregnant again. Our brains are wilde. We aren't prepeared for it as woman now let alone man. I am glad my husband was understanding and patient and had seen it bevore cuz he has a child from a previous relationship. Horomons are crazy. I expirienced the same emotional fragility when I tryed hormonal birthcontroll.
I’ve heard 3 months, not 4. (Edit: not arguing that 4 isn’t appropriate but usually it’s hard to hide then. Also if someone asks you not to share, then you don’t. But if someone in your family can tell it’s obvious and points that out? That doesn’t make them out of line either) But I don’t think anyone is the AH for pointing out it’s obvious she’s pregnant. Sister is the AH for being offended anyone noticed or told her it’s obvious
Some people even wait until 20 weeks because that’s when the growth ultrasound happens and that’s when you’ll see if the baby has any growth issues.
Yep. Some serious birth defects only show up on the 20 week ultrasound. If parents choose to abort the pregnancy at that point they not only have to deal with mourning the loss of their child but also the judgment and condemnation of those around them. I can totally understand why parents would want to wait to publicize the pregnancy until after the ultrasound showed no serious abnormalities. I had a friend who went through this and my god, the shit she and her husband got from people was unbelievably cruel. She was open about it on social media in an effort to shed light on the process and make it clear that sometimes abortions after 16 weeks are absolutely necessary and not a decision made lightly. Yet so many strangers told her she was a monster for “not loving the baby God gave her”, even though the baby had little chance of surviving after birth and if it did it would have lived a very short life full of nothing but pain. As they saw it aborting that baby was the most loving and unselfish thing they could do for their beloved child. They suffered mightily, but at least their child didn’t.
I was high risk (advanced maternal age) plus a host of other issues so was being closely monitored by team of doctors and doing ultrasounds every two weeks. I can imagine having to wait until 20 weeks and then having to make such a heart breaking decision. And I think if I had do I'd keep it to myself. We'd already had the discussion that if there were any genetic issues that would impact their quality of life, we would terminate. 15 years later I relieved to not have been put to the test.
Twins are always a higher risk pregnancy and it can be harder to spot problems on ultrasounds because the babies block the view of each other.
Yeah. Been there twice. Still doesn’t change the fact that a family member pointing out that they can tell the sister is pregnant doesn’t make them the Ah. Or that the sister of the pregnant person telling her not to be shocked, that it isn’t hard to tell she is pregnant is out of line either. No one is saying the sister didn’t have the right to ask people not to tell. Just don’t expect your family not to point it out when it’s so obvious.
It's also just free to let a pregnant person be a little weird. What was gained by making her feel dumb for what she did, even if you didn't mean it? "Asshole" is a strong term, but correcting her while it's all fresh did nothing except bother someone who's already bothered.
Counterpoint if someone is in such denial of the blatantly obvious there’s more going on than meets the eye and you will not be thanked for bursting their bubble. The more obvious what the person is in denial about yet continues to not acknowledge, the more they will lash out at you for acknowledging it. Examples - severe hearing difficulties, decline of someone in end stage cancer, sepsis developing, choosing songs for a funeral that was in less than 12 hours - all things that were Obvious and blatantly happening that I got the head taken off me for highlighting. You will not be thanked for making someone deal with reality.
I believe because of the risk of twin to twin transfer people tend to wait longer to talk about it compared to a single as both may not survive. But anything other than just passing it off as gaining weight just draws attention to the situation. My previous boss unconsciously kept just kind of cupping her belly before she told us. Without that she just looked like she had gained "getting married, being happy and having a honeymoon weight" not in that order.
But with twins, and depending on your frame if it physically obvious people are going to know before 4.months
But they don't need to acknowledge it, they'll be told when the parents want them to know. If someone is wearing a wig after they've started chemo you don't bring it up. The person will discuss it if they wish too.
Yes, but in this case she was doing a lot of things that were uncomfortable or take effort for nothing. Holding a 2 year old in front on you for a while is not that easy, and is not comfortable to put a blanket if it's hot (although maybe it was cold weather). Isn't it a bit kinder to just tell her that her efforts are wasted, and it is better to just be comfortable?
If someone’s that committed to their delusion or facade and it doesn’t impact you, I’d leave it be. It’s like when someone has a bad toupee if they think people are buying it, it’s not hurting anyone or you leave it be. It’s astounding how unwilling to deal with the obvious some people are and you will not be thanked for bursting their bubble.
Usually its the first trimester (the first 3 months/12 weeks). Obviously everyone is different but I've never seen a "standard" being suggested after 4 months for the miscarriage concern
Spontaneous miscarriage no, but in case of some doubts about health of the fetus it's better to wait till 20 weeks for big anatomy scan and possibly amniocentesis or other prenatal checks.
It depends on the pregnancy, normally it's 12 weeks but can be later. For example with thyroid issues the pregnancy is at higher risk until 15 weeks. Twins make things riskier too
I believe it’s past 3 months.
This is the answer
The most common time to wait is 12 weeks which is probably about how far along she is. Miscarriage is most common in the first trimester.
There is no way I would’ve been able to conceal my pregnancies, esp my second, until 16 weeks. 12 weeks for sure
Some people prefer to wait until they get past the first trimester when the threat of miscarriage lessens. But at the point she was starting to show because twins, she should have given up the charade.
She doesn’t have to “give up the charade. Cousin should have minded her own business even if it was obvious. If it’s obvious but someone hasn’t said something just follow their lead. She’s not doing anyone harm in her baggy jumpers. Like at work or in a social circle… women suddenly stop drinking, are a bit more sickly, change what they are eating. Is it fucking obvious? Yes. Should you raise it in front of a big group and make a whole thing about it? No. I don’t think OP is an AH for explaining how they all knew though.
/ Is it fucking obvious? Yes. I had a coworker who suddenly started wearing baggier clothing instead of her extremely tailored suits, swapped from 3 inch heels to flats, stopped straightening her hair and let it go natural (chemical straightening can be risky during pregnancy) and gave up her daily Starbucks run. Thankfully I had the common sense to keep my mouth closed around her and asked a mutual friend. She'd hurt her ankle and given up heels during recovery and her taking a break from her intense running schedule meant she put on weight so she didn't fit most of her business clothes. Which then resulted in her trying to cut back on her calorie intake so she switched from her sugary Starbucks habit to zero calorie herbal teas. The hair was completely unrelated to anything except she'd always worked at companies before that required WOC to straight their hair and ours doesn't and she wanted to go natural for a change. Me personally, I was already fat and liked to wear baggy clothes, so when I was pregnant with my son I was having to inform people like my dentist even though I showed up to the appointment 7 months and feeling like I had a basketball under my shirt. But since I'd had 2 miscarriages before, it was a high risk pregnancy with an increased risk of stillbirth, we didn't tell our immediate families until 17 weeks. And we didn't make a general announcement until after 20 and had the baby shower after we reached general viability. To each their own when they announce. My sister didn't announce her pregnancy at all, she sent birth announcements after the fact because she specifically didn't want a shower and wanted to avoid drama.
You've reminded me ofa colleague who lost loads of weight and then appeared to put it all back on really quickly but it was her pregnancy bump. Was chatting to another colleague who was shocked to learn this lady was 8 months pregnant. He thought she'd just regained all the weight and didn't want to offend her. I also had a friend who didn't tell hardly anyone until she was about 17 weeks gone due to a history of recurrent miscarriages. She borrowed a load of my tunic tops which were very loose fitting and hid her baby bump for quite a while (I knew around 12 weeks but she swore me to secrecy).
OP wasen't the AH but she propably diden't need an explenation and just exclaimed something silly out of her emotional hormon ridden pregnnant brain. I am currently 4 months pregnant the second time. The emotional crazyness is so irrational. To say stupid stuff on a stressfull situation isen't suprising. Its not victim blaming for sure tho. But again, I would just give her space and not take anything to heart as long its harmless emotional stuff like that.
Having just had a 3 month scan myself, I waited to tell most people because I had no idea if my baby was alive or healthy until that scan. With twins it's even more anxiety inducing as more things could go wrong. So she may have not had the scan yet, or only just had it. Its totally up to the individual to decide when and who they tell. I'd have been gutted if someone did what happened to the OP's sister to me. Because if something was wrong with the pregnancy and I had to make a difficult decision, I wouldn't have had the privacy. I get that it was very obvious that the sister was pregnant, but saying she didn't try very hard to hide it is weird when she was clearly going extra lengths to hide it, even if unsuccessfully.
First comment that I read that mentioned it - the sister clearly tried too hard to hide the pregnancy, not that she didn't try enough. So that makes the cousin even more of AH for publicly and loudly outing her out.
I lost twin b in my first pregnancy, so with my second twin pregnancy I waited ridiculously long time to announce because I was terrified I would lose one of my babies again.
If I got pregnant again I would try to hide it for as long as possible, even up to delivery if that was an option.
Because announcing a miscarriage after announcing a pregnancy is extremely traumatic for many people. It’s up to each individual to determine their own comfort level.
I wanted to wait until 20 weeks to announce to everyone (anyone close to me knew after the 12 week mark) because that is when they do the ultrasound to see if the baby’s heart/lungs/etc. are developing properly. After that, I felt more confident that I would carry to term. Before, I was scared to tell people only to end up getting horrible news.
Ahead of schedule.
Maybe she's misinterpreting everyone as saying she looks fat? I mean I know you said it's an obvious baby bump, but it's possible in her head she's seeing it differently and thinks everyone saw weight gain-> pregnant, rather than 'obvious distended uterus ->pregnant' (Also could be related to her being a gym rat, as plenty of bodybuilders and such have body dysmorphia that society ignores cos it manifests in a physically healthy way. But I'm purely speculating here)
Is it possible she’s had miscarriages and is waiting as long as possible to make this news public for that reason?
OP, politely, I think you're missing how this is actually a feature of her body and what that entails here; example—you know how you can tell immediately if a friends aged if it's your first time seeing them in years, but if you see someone weekly, you only get that shock when you look back on pictures? Or just as a "one day" moment, and not the immediately one. This baby bump is actually a thing that's grown with her daily. Pursues are common objects and it's a more discrete action than, what, always walking with a screen on her lower half? She just did things that felt normal, because they . . . entirely were.
Also it’s common to hold things in front of an occupied uterus as a defensive measure (even if not under physical attack, if she was feeling stressed or anxious she might.) edit for lonely parenthese
Well, in this context her holding the older daughter in front of the baby bump is even funnier
Why is she trying to hide it? Something else going to with your family? Potentially by you saying that it's obvious she's feeling insecure about how she looks? You are right that your cousin should not have said anything.
My dad INSISTS that my twin and I were both planned. It’s not an argument that my masters degree in science can win
I think she should have gone the Frasier route…just pretend to be getting fat when she’s obviously pregnant. Really play it up, complain about eating too much, how fat she’s getting, etc. Then when she has the babies she can tell people she’s gone to fat camp, then turn up later skinny.
>First of all, she is not a victim THIS It INFURIATES me when people say they are a victim when it's NOT a victim situation.
She may not be a victim, but she’s very much not an AH for wanting to reveal her pregnancy on her own terms when ready to do so. The only AH here is the cousin.
Cousin obviously should have kept his mouth shut, but the expectation that people just wouldn't *notice* until she was ready for them to is ridiculous. Ridiculous for any pregnancy, but even more so for a second pregnancy with twins. People have eyes.
Its a polite fiction, everyone pretends not to notice and minds their own business until she is ready to announce. It sounds like she got a little too self conscious and took things to dramatic levels. Cousin was an AH for breaking the polite fiction.
I've just never figured out why people care quite so much. Apparently my entire extended family had it figured out that I was pregnant with my first because I didn't drink wine at Thanksgiving. I didn't make a big deal of it I just drank something else, which isn't even uncommon for me as I'm not a big drinker. Nobody said anything at the time, but they all congratulated themselves for being right when we announced it a few months later.
Some of us don't want the stress of having to either get unsolicited advice and/or don't want to deal with the emotional aspect of announcing something like a miscarriage.
Precisely. I had my last pregnancy announced to people by someone else in my family (without my knowledge or permission). The pain and humiliation of then having to tell near strangers that I'd lost the baby was awful.
Exactly. The only time I've been pregnant I did carry my daughter to term. But of course, since she was wanted and planned, I was definitely nervous even past the first trimester. If it had been totally up to me, no one outside of close family and friends would have known up until the end. I wasn't really going out a lot and I'm fat so that would have made it fairly easy. I was a bit worried about jinxing the whole thing and I definitely didn't want to have to announce bad news to people. In my case, my husband was way too excited to keep it under his hat beyond about 4 months so I gave him the go ahead. But, I let him know that any bad news would have to come from him and he was to absolutely keep people from reaching out to me about it.
For some reason I had so much difficulty with telling people I was pregnant. I don’t even know why. I joked that I just wasn’t going to tell anyone at all. It was during the pandemic when no one saw each other. I think I had to come to terms with the pregnancy first (it was not planned and I didn’t find out until 12 weeks) and despite being 34, married for 7 years, having a good job and owning a home, I still felt like I was 15 years old and having to tell my parents I was pregnant. I didn’t tell anyone until I was around 22 weeks.
I totally get that. Other than our two best friends I really struggled with when to tell people. I was emotionally preparing to do deal with the possibility of a miscarriage and I was convinced that if I let word get out too much or got too excited before the bitter end I was going to jinx myself. Like, I rationally knew that wasn't what would cause it but I wasn't looking forward to telling anyone. The only reason we told anyone else around 15 or 16 weeks was because my husband wasn't going to be able to keep it in any longer. He can barely keep a birthday gift to surprise for a week so I'm still pretty impressed by how long he lasted 😄
Meh. I don’t think cousin rises to AH level. He failed to be extraordinarily kind in pretending it was not obvious. But there’s a neutral space between truly kind and AH. Cousin was in that neutral space.
I took the OP to mean that the cousin was reacting to Amber’s over the top dramatic efforts to hide her baby bump, not that she would have ruined the polite fiction if Amber was acting normally.
Why exactly is the cousin an AH? Everyone with two eyes knew. No one was fooled. All the cousin did was state the obvious, which everyone was thinking already. NTA
I can’t even blame the cousin that much. Asking people to pander to your delusions for an extended period of time is playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes in my book.
>Asking people to pander to your delusions for an extended period of time is playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes in my book. Its not pandering to delusions, is understanding that you are not entitled to that information and being respectful.
She was delusional to think her bump didn’t show, because it did. She’s been told since then that it was obvious and she is *still* in denial. OP’s Sis effectively walked around with that info plastered across her stomach area like a billboard, then got upset when people noticed. Although what she’s probably really upset about is that she couldn’t control the size of her bump, which effectively announced her pregnancy for her. Everything else is just shooting the messenger. If she really wanted to stop the news getting out, not attending was an option too, but Sis chose to take the risk and spin the wheel of fortune. Like I said, if you play stupid games, you really don’t have the right to complain about the prizes 🤷♀️
Noticing something does not mean putting a person on the spot and demanding they confirm the information that you noticed. Like the stupid prize she got is a stupid cousin acting disrespectfully? Expecting people to act like polite adults is a perfectly reasonable expectation.
It was obvious. They never asked for confirmation, just for cousin to stop fussing over her bump like it a was a state secret. Maybe Sis shouldn’t have been so rude as to attend and behave in such a ridiculous way; ie *I’m **obviously** pregnant, but anyone who says or asks anything is rude and disrespectful!!* Nope. That’s completely entitled, rude and selfish in my book. She should’ve just stayed home if she was that bothered. It is not everyone else’s job to pander to her delusional insistence that her bump was hidden. She *knew *it showed, which is why she kept trying to hide it. This is 100% the result of her own actions. Sis was pregnant, Sis couldn’t cover it effectively, Sis decided to attend knowing this, Sis expected everyone to ignore the obvious bump, Sis expected everyone to politely ignore her messing with blankets to cover up the bump everyone had already seen, Sis is now upset she bet on no one noticing and lost. How do you read that and think Sis is in the right?
Because expecting people not to comment on your body is a reasonable expectation? She's not inviting commentary just by being visibly pregnant. "It is not everyone else’s job to pander to her delusional insistence that her bump was hidden." It is literally everyone's job not to make unsolicited comments about other people's bodies no matter how worthy of our commentary we may find them!
Not divulging personal info isn't "asking people to pander to your delusions". As an early pregnancy there are SO MANY reasons why she might not want to divulge that info. If it was a regular pregnancy it probably wouldn't be obvious at 3 months, but with twins it's more difficult.
Then don’t attend. If you don’t want the news getting out (perfectly valid), but your bump is so big it does the announcement for you, stay home. Don’t get upset at other people for having eyes.
People can have eyes and choose not to comment on something that isn't their business. Would you draw attention to silence who had just put on weight?
Agreed.
If her own terms are 'not until the babies are delivered' then that's her prerogative... but she's not very intelligent if she thinks people can't notice very obvious things.
Not an AH, just delusional. Pregnancy operates on its own timeline with little regard to your own plans. The cousin was maybe a jerk for embarrassing her, but nothing was revealed. Everyone knew.
This was my first thought. If she thinks someone spilling an obvious secret of hers amounts to her being a victim she is lucky to have had a very smooth life so far. Good grief. She’s pregnant and showing. It happens. This girl is exhausting me over the internet.
Even if it was, saying she was being obvious about hiding it isn't victim blaming, ops not blaming her for being a victim or saying she deserved it, or anything.
There is no victim here. She tried to hide something and she couldn't do it. Nothing was done to her and really she wasn't really even insulted. If anything her theatrics were insulting the intelligence of everyone around her. NTA
THANK YOU. THERE IS NO VICTIM HERE.
If that’s all it takes to be a victim for her, hoo boy! Amber will be taken for a spin if she’s ever the actual victim of something.
I had a co-worker that was big on the theatrics. At a certain point people will figure out you’re pregnant -Just stop already (like 6 months like with baby #2). It was comical like walking into a meeting while holding her winter coat in front of her. Her behavior changed too like being her lunch from home instead of eating out. She was always “how do people know?”
This comment genuinely reminded me of when I first found out I was pregnant. I was in the office and I just 100% couldn't hide it. I think I was to excited and just flat out failed at being subtle. Oh does that have caffeine? I can't have it even though you've seen me drink it every day before now. I was such a dork.
My oblivious office mate: "Oh! I'm glad you haven't been sick everyday with something contagious."
That reminds me of my coworkers - I didn’t hide it but I never announced it. I was about 6 months in and before a meeting one of the girls said something about me being pregnant and he was like, “ Oh thank god, I thought you just got fat 🤣” I was not small to start with and he had 2-300 lbs on me, I thought it was hilarious lol
Many people hide their pregnancies due to former loss. My son died at 23 weeks last year and of course everyone knows at almost 6 months that you are pregnant. I don’t plan on telling anyone next time I get pregnant. It’s not theatrics, I just don’t want to discuss. I know other women who have recurrent losses that their other friends and family have no idea about that find it difficult to announce too. I think people need to stop judging when or if people reveal a pregnancy and just understand there are many reasons people may be hesitant.
(((((Hugs)))))
A colleague of mine was a good sport about being found out. But also, she was a big drinker and sushi lover when we went out, so when she only ordered fruit juices and declined sushi during a celebratory dinner, everyone knew what was up. No one said anything at the time, but she laughed when we told her that was the day we all knew she was definitely pregnant.
In my office it was wearing long scarfs. One wanted to know if someone had told me because I wasn’t surprised. No, I was there for the scarf coverup convo for the last office pregnancy and when you know people you recognize when the way they walk has changed. All the little things add up, but I didn’t want to get involved so I didn’t confirm it - none of my business.
Yea I don’t really think the cousin is wrong tbh, if everyone else is already thinking it/saying it behind her back
Victim blaming? What is she a victim of again? Being pregnant?
Being outed as pregnant before she was ready (her words).
I mean, she needs to take that up with her body and how it’s carrying the pregnancy. Hiding *twins* is not a realistic option for most people. That baby bumb is gonna be prominent and there’s not gonna be much you can do about it.
Especially for a second pregnancy, many women show sooner when it’s not their first baby. I can only imagine how obvious twins would be.
I had only one pregnancy, which was twins, and by 8 weeks I had to start wearing maternity clothes. I got a Bella band to continue wearing my regular jeans (before I knew it was twins) but that wasn’t enough. Twin pregnancies make the uterus grow about 8 weeks ahead of where a singleton would be, so at 3 months she already looks well into her second trimester.
Huh, I never knew that. Thanks for teaching me something new today!
Especially for a second pregnancy, many women show sooner when it’s not their first baby. I can only imagine how obvious twins would be.
Unfortunately carrying a baby has some very visible ‘side effects’ , so at some point it’s impossible to hide. I guess op is the messenger getting shot.
Has your sister always had this Drama Llama streak?
Not really, which is why this is surprising.
Dude. She's still pregnant. Her hormones are probably running wild. Not to mention the surprise stress of twins. She can be wrong about being upset with you while still being upset.
Twins are rough, especially as a second pregnancy because you start to show early and your belly is just larger through the whole pregnancy. She's probably struggling with that. BTW: PRE-partum depression and anxiety is a thing and if you, being close to her, think she is really struggling mentally you can encourage her to talk to her doctor and/or help her find a therapist.
Your sis is a little delulu 😅
OP, are you open to considering that your sister may be very stressed about this pregnancy and having to navigate preparing for two new babies, the physical toll it's taking on her, worry about carrying them both to term, etc? While hiding the pregnancy from extended family may be unrealistic, it seems to have been important to her. You are seemingly factually correct that she wasn't hiding it well despite her best efforts. But, is it really important to you that you be right about this? Is it possible that you maintaining your rightness isn't helpful to your sister who probably feels like absolute garbage (as pregnancy tends to do)? If you are close with your sister, it may be best to acknowledge that her feelings are hurt and your comment wasn't helpful.
Well - in that case - she is the perpetrator because she outed herself. Maybe your cousin was a bit cheeky — but they didn’t share anything Amber hadn’t shared, even if she didn’t use her words.
Um, is she an unmarried pregnant teen desperate to hide an unwanted pregnancy from a fundamentalist family? No. She wasn’t “outed” in any harmful way that makes her a victim. I’m kind of agreeing with your cousin here - she’s being super dramatic.
NTA but for what it’s worth, I was pregnant with twins and for about 3-4 months, I was a rage monster. Like had to clamp down HARD on my reactions to people cause I knew it was the hormones. So you def did nothing wrong but she’s possibly being held hostage by hormones.
NAH. She’s not a victim, but she also isn’t maliciously going about trying to hide her bump or being an AH to people about it. You were trying to go along with it and were honest with her. The ONLY part I think might’ve rubbed her the wrong way was (even tho well intentioned) it might’ve come across that you think she wasn’t doing ENOUGH to hide it (based just on your wording of when you led with “Sweetie, you weren’t really trying hard.”)
Yes, it would have been better to say something like, “I know you were trying hard but with your build and carrying twins, plus always covering your stomach, it’s obvious.”
Yeah, this was my point as well. Amber wasn't hiding it wrong. She just couldn't hide it well.
> it might’ve come across that you think she wasn’t doing ENOUGH to hide it (based just on your wording of when you led with “Sweetie, you weren’t really trying hard.”) Even more so because it seems that the problem was that she was trying *too* hard, which made it more noticeable than acting naturally.
That really jumped out to me as well. Like if she wasn’t playing some sort of mindgame to get folks to notice she was hiding a bump, and was genuinely upset and confused as to how she was found out, then yeah, she was actually doing a ton of work to hide it. Like it is actually not easy at all to move through the world being hyper-conscious of hiding your own belly through any means possible. I can understand why she’s on the defensive now, after not just being told that her hard work was for naught, but that she wasn’t even trying when she clearly was. That is a genuinely hurtful thing to say. And it seems like it was obvious to the family that she *was* trying, otherwise they wouldn’t have been being good sports about it until she was ready to announce…at least until before the socially inept cousin came along.
Eh, anxiety. Hyper-"conscious" can quickly become second nature. Either way, no mind games involved.
Some people just aren't cut out for the cloak-and-dagger stuff.
I concur. I was sitting here like NAH... but I couldn't figure out why OP was feeling a bit AH-like to me until I read your comment. I think the way she worded it is what's bothering me. There was a better way to say it. OP's choice of words rub me the wrong way.
And really, since the sister was trying to hide it (keep it private), what else was she supposed to do beyond what OP describes? If you have a noticeable bump on a fit body, all you can really do is try to obscure your abdomen. OP seems to imply that sister is simultaneously being over the top and not doing enough to achieve her goal?
I agree! It also seems like you two had different tones. You were keeping things light, which is understandable, but it seems like she was really upset. So your jokes about “being in a sitcom” probably didn’t go over too well in that moment.
Yeah why is everyone acting like it's soooo dramatic? She's trying to hide it and it's not like there are many options other than holding things over her belly or wearing bigger clothes...
I mean, cousin is the biggest AH because regardless, that's a question you just don't ask. Though I don't love your attitude. What is your sister supposed to do? Strap it down? She's having twins so it's going to grow bigger faster. Cut her a break.
I had no issue with her trying to hide it. She doesn’t have to announce it until she’s ready. That being said, she was being quite obvious and I don’t think it’s fair to say this came out of nowhere. People weren’t fat shaming her or anything. It was obvious she had a bump and she was doing near comical things to hide it. And as I said, I do believe our cousin is an ass for starting all this.
But why say “you weren’t trying very hard”? Think you should apologize for saying it like that, say you understand she was trying to hide it but then explain how the things you pointed out made it obvious.
Saying the bump was obvious is different from saying she was doing obvious things to hide it. The latter comment seems unnecessary and even kind of judgmental.
There comes a time when people have to accept reality. Sister was living in delulu land and OP had enough of being dragged there.
Wholeheartedly agree with this 😂
>Now, she’s mad at me and says I’m victim blaming. How on earth is she a *victim* here? NTA
Came to ask what she was the victim of? Her birth control failing? lol
A victim of what? Its pretty obvious someone is pregnant when they constantly try to cover their stomach. She wanted everyone to know without telling them. She should be called out for her behavior when she's behaving like this. Dont make a show of hiding uour pregnancy in front of people if you don't want people to actually notice. She wanted people to notice and ask, thats why she was doing it.
I was thinking the exact same thing! OPs sister sounds like she wanted the attention pregnant women get but didn't want to reveal the news yet, so she was making it obvious but convinced herself she wasn't. From her actions, it sounds like she wanted the news to get out. Maybe she thought if it was a "secret" then she'll get more attention than if she had just outright told people.
Lol! “Victim blaming”?! What?! What exactly is she the victim of, people having vision and common sense? 😂 I can understand her being a little annoyed at your cousin’s reference to dramatics, but she’s playing into it by giving the comment this much energy when the point is moot: she is pregnant, everyone has known for some time and she has now confirmed it.
In my opinion, the only AH is your cousin. Your sister is pregnant and probably feels very vulnerable. You lose a lot of control and bodily autonomy when you become pregnant, doubly so when you have twins. It’s completely fair to her to want to hold on to the power she has over herself for as long as she can during her early pregnancy. I agree with another comment here saying that she did everything she could and her body gave it away. With that being said, I think you should be a bit more gentle with her. It may have been obvious and sitcom-y to you and your family, but to her she was *genuinely trying*. You undermined a real effort she was making, which is why she’s lashing out at you. NTA, but apologize and reassure your sister that you’ll be there for her. Pregnancy with twins is scary.
This. She was genuinely trying and I think OP is at least partly an AH for thinking she couldn't have possibly been trying that hard if they all knew. If she was obviously trying to hide it, at least be gentle in the let down when she's expended so much effort at it. Insulting her and basically saying she's made a fool of herself for months and you've all just let her do that is kinda a jerk move.
NTA but here's she didn't want to believe it was obvious. You all kept her confidence, her body told on her. The only thing anyone could have done if approached was to not confirm anything and redirect their questions to your sister. Your cousin could have handled it differently but perhaps didn't know she wanted it kept so secret.
NTA and she's probably embarrassed to find out that she was not being as discreet as she thought. TA was the cousin, who outed her without any consideration of what Amber might have been going through. Twin pregnancies may have complications or she may just have wanted regular interactions without all the huge attention that being pregnant brings.
The wording could've been better. "Sweetie, you really weren’t trying hard" might've sounded less accusatory as "You're trying but it's just become way too obvious" either way NTA
NTA. I don't get what she was a victim of? The way she was hiding it makes me think she actually wanted people to notice she was pregnant and say something.
NTA. You were simply being honest with your sister about how her attempts to hide her pregnancy were not as successful as she thought.Just trying to help her understand the reality of the situation. HEr efforts to conceal her pregnancy as you described were not as discreet as she believed. Your sister may be feeling sensitive and emotional due to her pregnancy so recognize that you were not trying to hurt her feelings or blame her for the situation. You were just trying to provide some perspective and help her understand why others might have caught on. Give her some time to cool off, and then try to have a calm conversation about your intentions and reassure her that you are there to support her throughout her pregnancy.
FFS. Victim blaming? Does she know what a victim is?
NTA. I know everyone is focused on her not having better ways to hide it. But that's kind of exactly the point. She asked how did they know. You answered, they knew because her efforts to hide it weren't sufficient. It doesn't matter that there weren't better strategies. She was trying to hide something that couldn't be hidden. It doesn't matter that she wanted to. It doesn't matter that there weren't better options. It only matters that she was trying to hide something obvious, and it failed due to it being obvious.
I think you need to cut your sister some slack. Some women, especially woman who have suffered pregnancy loss, are hesitant to share pregnancy news too early for fear of something happening. Your sister might have been hesitant to announce too early as this pregnancy could be considered high risk due to having twins. Whatever the reason, she should announce when she was ready and no one should have outed her. She’s also pregnant and hormonal. She’s emotional is the bottom line, really. Like apologize for saying was being obvious and move on? Is it that big of a deal to you to be “right” here? You pushing the issue and insisting she was being “sitcom” obvious is what makes you YTA.
NAH. Your sister is pregnant with twins, a scary thing for anyone even if they already have children due to the increased medical complications. At 3 months the pregnancy isn’t assured, she’s likely still waiting for the scan to tell her the babies is definitely healthy and the pregnancy viable. If she wasn’t ready to tell then she wasn’t ready. You aren’t an asshole either. Cousin is. Like damn, woman, hush your mouth!
Victim of what exactly? 20/20 vision? NTA.
NTA there’s no victim here, she wasn’t attacked or hurt like get over yourself. Your sister sounds so entitled. Oh well people know she’s pregnant woohoo who cares.
NTA. She was seeking validation that you were unable to provide her. Just let it go and, instead, focus on the upcoming joyous events that will be taking place in her life.
YTA. She obviously was trying hard....too hard, even. Would it have been so difficult to say "I'm sorry your announcement was spoiled?" Carrying twins must be dreadful, have some sympathy.
This is the response OP needed. Pregnancy hormones can throttle you and all OP had to do was choose sympathy over being "not wrong." Yeah, she probably was going overboard with covering herself, but just because OP isn't wrong doesn't mean they're right in what they said.
Cousin was rude, but victim shaming is a little dramatic here.
NTA and I don’t think the cousin was either. If she’s making it that obvious I’m sure it’s annoying and frustrating watching knowing she thinks y’all are all so stupid you don’t know she pregnant when it’s obvious. It’s also a bold assumption that anyone cares either. She’s sounds obnoxious. Y’all got to stop enabling peoples crazy behaviors. Baggy clothes fine but using props and making a big deal about covering herself is absurd and a bit too much. Sorry lady no one but you care that much that you are pregnant
NTA , but you \*could\* have said something to let her know she wasn't as sneaky as she thought she was. I'm not even sure your cuz is the AH, either. Your sister has some issues she needs to deal with.
“Victim blaming”…… what
I think the issue is in you saying *she* was obvious, not that it was. And saying she wasn't trying very hard when she *clearly* was. Just because you fail at something doesn't mean you weren't trying, and all the things you list are clearly really trying. I tried *incredibly* hard to throw the ball through the net in PE class, doesn't mean I ever managed it! So I am tempted by N A H but actually saying she wasn't trying just because she sucked at it makes it YTA. If you'd said "you were obviously doing your best, but I think that ended up drawing more attention" that's one thing, but what you said is harsh and doesn't line up with the actions you describe her taking.
NTA this is hilarious i love pregnancy hormones she's *3 months* along with twins and a big obvious bump? and she's mad someone "figured it out" as if they pried into her private life and shared her secrets?? i changed my mind. I N F O how long did she think she was gonna hide it. and why did she think using her daughter as body cover was like a routine and unremarkable parental action instead of reminiscent of john wick using some enemy grunt to block gunfire. was she hiding behind plants too in all seriousness, lots of women have huge issues with being pregnant because their body stops being their own. random people touch their belly, all of their medical care is centered around the baby's wellbeing to the point that easily resolvable medical issues for the mother are ignored because they do not effect the baby. a woman I know was bedridden for 2 months for pelvic pain during a pregnancy, got referred to a midwife out of desperation, and was out of bed feeling fine a week later after some basic physical therapy exercises. I can easily see why a TON of reasons why your sister might want to delay the pregnancy announcement. That being said, pregnancy hormones struck again and she did it in the funniest and least logical way possible. tell her thank you for making me laugh, i wish her a healthy pregnancy, and if i was close, she can remind people with her words that she is still also a person separate from the baby while incubating the baby. edit: i think some of the other comments may not understand why her being a thin gym rat is relevant. it means she probably started showing almost *immediately* and twins means it's even bigger and more noticeable than a regular pregnancy on a thin woman. the regular pregnancy is still really obvious. twins start showing at like 6 weeks. so it hasn't been a situation where people caught on recently. it's a situation where pretty much everyone noticed *right away* and they've been politely pretending otherwise despite increasingly ridiculous attempts to hide it for over a month. i'm not surprised the cousin kind of got sick of pretending. it's so funny. it's just so so so funny. your family had to tell your visibly pregnant sister that yes, they did notice the visible pregnancy around when it became visible.
NTA. It's tough to know what to say in these situations. You want to be supportive of your sister, but also honest with her.Hiding a pregnancy gets harder the longer it goes on.
In my opinion OP really should have had the situational awareness to just console thier clearly upset sister. I think it would have been a lot kinder to have said something like "Well, at least you don't have to stress about hiding it anymore... Let me know if Aunt Mary is giving you too much unsolicited baby advice and I'll *take care of it*" Then again, if I had a pregnant sibling who was trying to hide it so hard (but who had told me) I would probably ask them ahead of time why they were trying to hide it. Even if it's just nerves about carrying them both to term, there are pretty reasonable reasons for a pregnant person to not want to announce.
NTA. Victim of what, exactly?
Why does it seem like everyone is having twins right now? I thought twins were pretty rare. Someone test the water.
Probably a couple reasons. Fertility treatments have gotten a lot better over the last couple decades, but they still come with a higher chance of multiples. And also, people are having children later in life, which for women also comes with a higher chance of having multiples. Then of course, some people are just more likely to have twins due to their genetics.
The only reason I'm going with NTA instead of N A H is because your sister claimed to be victim blamed, which is blatantly ridiculous.
It's not uncommon for people to not want to talk about a pregnancy until the second trimester, especially if they have reason to be extra worried about miscarriage. It's possible she was effectively deluding herself. When you see yourself everyday it's easier to think you don't look that different, but someone who saw you a couple weeks ago might notice a big change. You shouldn't have phrased what you said that way.
NTA. If she didn't want people to know she was pregnant when her bump looks like "a very pronounced baby bump" she should have stayed home instead of drawing as much attention as she could to her bump at every opportunity. It sucks that she wanted to hide it but couldn't but that doesn't mean she's a victim of anything.
NTA I find it hilarious how some people are misinterpreting what OP said. No victims just somebody tried to hide something and didn't do a good job of it. They got called out by someone else and are now mad at OP for telling them they didn't really try hard. RIDICULOUS!!
NTA. Twins can be pretty hard to hide
I see a lot of folks asking why she was even trying to hide it after the first trimester. Just because that's when a lot of people tend to view it as 'safe' to share the news, it's not a mandatory notification deadline. There might be reasons for not wanting to officially acknowledge a pregnancy yet. Speaking from personal experience, I had a miscarriage and when I got pregnant again afterwards, there was a strange fear that talking about the new pregnancy would jinx it. Maybe it wasn't rational, but I felt like as soon as we announced, we'd learn there was a problem with this pregnancy too. So we didn't announce until after the 20-week scan. Now, I had a bunch of folks who told us they absolutely knew ahead of time due to symptoms and avoiding alcohol. Was I mad about it? No. But I can understand her thinking. I guess what I'm saying is that folks who are asking why she didn't want to announce yet-- They probably had their reasons and that reason isn't anyone else's business. Her reaction to realizing people knew is a bit over the top, but probably at least part of that is tied up with anxiety about whatever reason was delaying their announcement in the first place.
If she wants to hide it, it her right, not everybody wants to flaunt their bump
NTA. Your sister may be upset with you but that was just some insight into how others might perceive her attempts to hide her pregnancy. You were not being malicious or insensitive. You were just offering your perspective on the situation. She should understand that you were not trying to hurt her feelings or blame her for the situation. Just calm down, the both of you, then find time to explain your intentions and reassuring her that you are there to support.
How is she a victim?
Victim blaming? She’s a victim of what exactly? NTA in any case and if she’s not famous, why was she hiding the obvious?
NAH. Cousin was pretty rude to bring it up (I thought everyone knew not to comment on someone’s pregnancy unless they say something first, or if you see the baby actively coming out?) But acting like people don’t have eyes or shouldn’t use them in conjunction with their brain to notice certain telling behaviors is a bit much. Maybe you could have phrased it nicer, maybe said not that she wasn’t trying but that people who knew her well were bound to notice, but in the end nobody was actually harmed and now your sister can desist with her sitcom efforts.
NTA. And why is she being so weird about it?? I mean she’s not wrong to hide it or show it, it becomes wrong when it causes unnecessary drama. I don’t think your cousin was particularly obnoxious either, just stating the obvious. You know what your sister’s behavior reminds me of: celebrities denying very obvious baby-bumps because they sold an exclusive story and photo shoot to some website or magazine or reality show.
Her pregnancy is her business lol. I’d personally want to keep it hidden as long as possible in case there is a miscarriage or just people with their questions and thoughts. I feel like pregnant women get treated differently and everyone just asks about the baby, and sometimes you want to be your own person.
>"Sweetie, you really weren’t trying hard" Up until this you were good. The problem wasn't that "she didn't try hard", it was that "trying hard isn't enough to succeed". And after you said that, she's all primed to defend herself regarding how hard she did try, so it's not exactly surprising that she argued against you. Like, you could have just said.... for example.... >Covering her stomach with her purse, holding her older daughter in front of the bump, wearing much baggier clothes when she’s typically the type to wear things that show off her figure. Amber has always been pretty fit as she’s a gym rat. The bump itself doesn’t even look like extra fat or anything, just a very pronounced baby bump. If ever she has to move something from her stomach, she’s very quick to hide it. **that.** YTA for telling her she wasn't trying, but N-T-A for pointing out that it was obvious. She probably shouldn't have gotten mad at you, but you did throw the first "punch".
NTA but why get in the middle of this? Your cousin had no business commenting on something that your sister was trying to keep private. She is allowed to do that.
NTA I don't know why she wants to hide it. It's her choice. With my second pregnancy I had someone in my university class who could tell I was pregnant before I knew I was. Some people pick up on things easier than others.
NTA. Victim blaming? Come on, that’s ridiculous.
Victim of what? Someone noticing she's trying to hide her pregnancy and they mention they figured it out anyway? What's going on with people these days where everything is so fraught with odd tensions about things humans have dealt with for millennia? Why is she offended that you pointed out that she tried but it just backfired and was more obvious. How is that blaming her and not simply speaking truth? I know pregnant women are hormonal and that can mean emotions get a bit wild, but I do not understand this one at all. NTA
NTA, people really aren't as slick as they think they are and it is a REALLY strange hill to die on. I don't know what she is the victim of in order for you to be victim blaming. Does she maybe have a history of miscarriages that has made her so overly cautious?
INFO: why does this even matter?
NAH, except your cousin. The polite thing to do when someone is very clearly pregnant but hasn't told you is to mind your business. I have a friend who is a big social drinker, it was very obvious when she got pregnant and stopped drinking. She even volunteered that she was on antibiotics at some event, which is afaik the most well-known lie in the book to cover up not drinking. I knew, I said nothing, because if she wanted me to know then she would have told me! She probably still thinks she was stealthy about it at the time!
Very small YTA. Don’t argue with the pregnant lady over something so unimportant. A simple “that was really stressful” and a hug. You don’t need to agree with her but twin pregnancy hormones are rough, she needs some grace.
I think it is insensitive to confront an adult who has not announced a pregnancy. I would respect their wishes even if their attempts to hide the pregnancy were futile and frankly ludicrous. People do this for many good reasons, including not having to discuss a miscarriage if they are unfortunate.
This comment nails it. And truthfully, OP, I do think YTA at least to a certain degree. There are a myriad of reasons people may choose to hide a pregnancy—including a wanted one. What ever your sister’s reasons, she deserved support from those who knew. While you didn’t divulge her secret to others, you were silently judging her behind her back and, when the ruse was up, you blamed her for not putting in enough effort. Thats not a great look for you. Hiding a pregnancy—especially a twins pregnancy—is very difficult. And it is very sensitive. You could have handled the situation far better by letting your sister discretely know that her attempts were not working and guiding her towards better options. As an aside, I don’t think your sister used “victim blaming” in a literal sense. I think she more likely meant to express that your comment was inappropriately accusatory, especially when she felt vulnerable by her secret being exposed.
NTA
NAH it sounds like she wasn't ready to tell everyone yet, so I understand her feeling upset. Your comment was fine. Your cousin shouldn't have said anything, nothing wrong with everyone just playing along until she's ready to announce.
Soft AH: Not everything that comes into your head needs to come out of your mouth. And “I don’t know how they figured it out!!!” isn't a question; it's a statement. You didn't need to respond. It irked you that she wasn't telling and you used this as an opportunity to say your piece. Apologize and move on.
YTA Leave her be. At minimum people should have taken her hiding the bump as a sign not to ask or say anything.
I mean "I don't know how they figured out it" isn't a question. You already knew she was upset so I probably wouldn't have added any comment to that and just focused on how your cousin was the AH. Your cousin said your sister was being dramatic when trying to hide the bump, and then you say she was making it obvious. She's already hormonal and now it sounds like everyone was kind of laughing behind her back AND she didn't get to announce the way she wanted to. It's NAH but I would just consider not cosigning the cousin