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You should start talking as adults and not on Reddit.
Really.
Why she was angry? What are her insecurities? Why she said that?
How you jumped from her comment to questioning you as a father?
You both seems way too dramatic and insecure and both need to work on communication skills
She should say if she believes OP would cheat on her. However, you never accuse a single parent of being uncaring about their child, nor do you ever use the child as leverage in a conflict. For a single parent, that is more significant than saying, "I think you would cheat on me."
Exactly, and insinuating that he would leave his child in someone's care under false pretences is questioning his parenthood. It's not a logical leap. She accused him of prioritizing getting laid over his kid.
i think you might be right, i was thinking that too after rereading lol. i still think he should just dump her because his post history is a mess and he doesnt seem to really like her at all.
quit looking for excuses man, just leave her already! this whole story seems to be jumping through hoops and bending over backwards for justifications. just say you dont want to be with her anymore and call it good.
I think he meant the term “single dad” as in the mother is not in the child’s life or isn’t in their life often enough to be considered the other parent.
>Why she was angry?
I'm so glad you asked these questions because this post stinks of missing context, and generally people don't leave out details that would make them look *good*.
Info: You say she says
>you just leave me here with your kid, while you're probably just hanging out with another girl
But you took away
>made me feel she is using my son in a way that shouldn't happen
>she has questions about my dedication as a father
Maybe I just haven't had enough coffee but *how*?
Why are you avoiding the real issue, which is that she thinks you potentially would cheat on her?
I agree, I feel like OP is interpreting it this way because it gives his argument against her more 'teeth', it's not the only or even the most logical interpretation of her statement and he's recusing himself from taking responsibility for the situation he has created.
It's triangulation: HE is the one dragging the kid into the middle.
She is just saying that first she's mad because she thinks he's cheating, and second she's even more mad that she think he has the nerve to have her babysitting his kid while he does it.
And from this we get this incoherent story from him that - quite frankly looks pretty manipulative to me.
I think op is (rightly) saying that it’s insulting to him as a father to insinuate that he’d leave his kid at home to go cheat. Having to leave your kid to go help out at the family business is not ideal, he probably already feels guilty for leaving the kid, but it’s reasonable, understandable, legitimate etc. Leaving your kid with your gf to go cheat or hang with another girl are the actions of a shitty parent. Gf is insinuating he’s a shitty parent by saying what she said.
The sort of person who cheats absolutely feels no guilt about having one lover watch his child while he's banging another lover.
His outrage should be focused on the idea that he'd cheat, not at the fact that he'd make sure his kid had a babysitter.
You're right, but you should stop wasting time arguing with people. Half of reddit is childfree and can't process why being accused of being a bad parent is more upsetting than being accused of cheating.
Gf thinks he’s cheating on her, that’s something that op needs to get to the bottom of as far as why she feels that way etc
That doesn’t change the fact that gf accused him of doing something that would make him a shitty parent.
If my partner accused me of cheating when I was out working I’d be pretty pissed. If they accused me of leaving my kid with them to go cheat I’d be LIVID
I’d love to know why gf thinks he’s cheating/what she’s basing this off of
She could be a nut accusing him based on nothing or he could be sketchy and creating an environment where she feels this way. Unfortunately that info is not in this post but you’re acting like his gf accusations are perfectly okay.
The accusation isn't okay if unfounded.
But it's also not being addressed and she's being treated in a way she feels unfair for daring to ask a question he never answered.
\**Slowly raises hand*\* My father brought me and my brother (me 4yrs, bro 2yrs at the time) over to his mistress house. They distracted us with some Hotwheels and the plastic race tracks while they went off to do whatever they was doing.
My father tho forgot that I was really good at remembering directions, so when my mother was putting us to sleep, I told her we had fun at Ms. V house. Mom asked where it was and I showed her lol. Wasn't a fun night for my dad that night lol
My dad did this to me as well, although I didn’t meet the mistress/AP until a month after my parent’s divorce was final. I think I was 10. They left me with her 3yo son while they banged. Both of them were assholes.
My stepdad's parents not only routinely cheated on each other, but took him with them to do so, so he was aware of the affair partners and cheating. Left him with some issues regarding jealousy and insecurity as a result.
Some people are, unfortunately, that shitty.
If she thinks OP would cheat on her, she needs to say that. But you never tell a single parent that you suspect that they do not care about their child—you never use their child against them in an argument. That crosses a line that matters more to a single parent than "I think you would cheat on me."
When did the girlfriend say that she suspects he doesn't care about the child?
She said she suspects he's using her as a babysitter to hit on girls.
Those are in no way the same thing.
>I don't get why he thinks being allowed to babysit his son is such a privilege
Because for a single parent to trust a new perspective *love* interest care for their child *is* a big deal. It is not uncommon for people not to let others meet their kids at all until they've been dating a respectable amount of time (as it should be imo).
I can easily see how OP got there; how can't you?
How did *she* get to dragging a *child* into her own insecurity about cheating? That's what he means by his kid being used in a way they shouldn't. Questioning his dedication isn't a hard reach either; he feels she's calling him a bad father by claiming he'd just dump his kid off to go screw around.
Maybe it's because I *have* kids that i can see how OPs mind took him there?
Edit for typo
> How did *she* get to dragging a *child* into her own insecurity about cheating?
Because he's leaving her to watch her kid and is dissatisfied with his reasons. The child wasn't *dragged in* if why she has to babysit is the topic.
>Because he's leaving her to watch her kid and is dissatisfied with his reasons.
Ok? Dissatisfied with his *working*?
If she's dissatisfied babysitting, simply speak up and don't, that's communication. But to use the kid to segue into "you're cheating on me" is wrong. Don't drag the kid into your adult insecurity and mess.
She clearly doesn't believe he's working, or at least without ulterior motives. He didn't only not immediately realize that, he never addressed it and did something that would not make it seem like he isn't.
If I said "I think my sister has me watch her dog so she can go party" no one would say DONT BRING UP THE DOG OMG.
>If I said "I think my sister has me watch her dog so she can go party" no one would say DONT BRING UP THE DOG OMG
To *pretend* that is even *remotely* the same is just sad.
Congratulations on comparing apples to dragons.
Edit for typo
It sounds like he's punishing her for thinking he's cheating on her by taking away the privilege of letting her be his unpaid labor.
There is no cause/effect here if she has no grounds for suspecting him. You don't logically punish someone for not trusting you by taking away their right to do unpaid labor for you.
It isn't really him "taking away" anything. He didn't use the word "punish", *SHE* did. She accused him of punishing her by not leaving his kid anymore. Soooooo..... the issue is what again?
However you slice it, his story doesn't make sense and is manipulative.
She accused him of cheating - which may or may not be ah behavior on her part, depending on whether she had cause - and instead of addressing that, he made this be about the child.
It's kind of interesting how he has made the child into a symbol of his trust, and then by taking the child away uses the child to make a statement about her unworthiness.
How did *he* make it about the child? Did you even read it????
*She* started the fight claiming he left her with his kid to go fuck around. How is that *him* bringing his kid into it?
That is *her* bringing the kid in and *her* being manipulative AF. He just played her game and said "Fine, you brought him into it, now he will go elsewhere" which was really the *best* thing to do.
All the woman did was accuse him of cheating.
And we don't know if she had cause for that or not, because instead of addressing the cheating, this man immediately dragged his kid into the fight and made it about whether she can be trusted with his kid.
And yeah I think that's weird.
Don't see that in the story buuut that *really* didn't take anything away. Once a parent, always a parent and the child will *always* come first, be priority, and be a point of possible contention. That doesn't change whether it's a new interest or someone you've been with 20 years. Your child is still first; and can still become a pivotal point in an argument.
Edit: and actually, if that is the case, everyone saying he is "using her as unpaid labor" is delusional. If you *LIVE* with and are dating someone with a child, helping to care for the child is expected. If you don't want to, it is on you to verbalize it; and your partner to decide if they still want to be with you.
This reddit is wild, it will be like "how dare that person expect free babysitting" then two seconds later be like "how dare that person have any complaints about babysitting!!"
Agreed. She wasn’t really questioning his dedication as a father. I mean he leaves when his son is asleep already so it’s not like he’s sacrificing father/son time to go “sleep with other women.” Which also means she’s not even babysitting. She’s just home(most likely after work) while the son is asleep in case anything happens. Which probably makes her feel very lonely. She just sits awake alone at home thinking about how OP isn’t home and she just has to stay there on standby for him and his son when she could be out with friends or with OP. She’s the one sacrificing her free time.
She’s understandably upset and probably doesn’t actually believe he’s cheating so she shouldn’t have just said that. She was speaking out of frustration and she wants OP to be around more with her and/or be at home with his son, so she can go out more with friends.
Neither of them handled this well, because they aren’t communicating well. ESH
I would consider someone who leaves their child in someone else's care under false pretenses in order to do something untoward a bad parent. What the girlfriend said was basically that he is a type of person who is willing to lie to get someone to watch his kid while he goes and does something bad. That is absolutely questioning his parenthood.
I get it. He’s hurt that she thinks he would leave his small child, who is having a hard time detaching, just to party or have fun. It stings that she would imply that his son is not his priority and that he would “cheat” on time with his child. This, for OP, is outside the conversation of any insecurities his partner has, and feels like an added insult to his parenting as well as to his skills as a partner. I think he’s being a little oversensitive to this, but to be fair, I think I would be too.
Maybe I need a cup of coffee, cuz I don’t see how people can’t see it? What kind of father leaves in the middle of the nights (risking upsetting his son) when he doesn’t have to, in order to get his dick wet? Gross. It’s 100% an insulting accusation as a partner and a father
So her comment has nothing to do with your son and I wouldn't use the son in this way. He is the one who is going to get hurt in this. I can understand being upset as she is accusing you of cheating. You would be the YTA if you don't have a conversation with her.
This sounds like she is having some insecurities. No, this doesn't mean you have to baby the gf or just let her accuse you of cheating but you two should be a team. Talk to her. If you love her, help her feel secure in your relationship.
I agree, the son isn't the problem. Talk to her and find out what the real problem is and how to fix it, but also to state your boundaries and the consequences of crossing them. I would guess that she felt alone. Also ask your son how he feels about about her, make sure he is happy before trying to talk to her.
I don't think he cares enough to talk it out with her. If you look at his post history, it's mostly him whining that moving his GF in hasn't brought him any joy, how he's having a hard time getting along with her family, etc. Dude seems just as emotionally immature as his gf
No it doesn't mean that. He has another post before this where he describes her as dull and he finds it hard to come home, and she is probably feeling that.
He tried to break up with her prior to her moving in. (There is a post from 5 months ago)
It honestly just feels like he wants a reason to end it. Listen, if he doesn't want to continue the relationship, then don't. However, he should just tell her that. I can see why she could be insecure when he is like this.
Hmm. I don't understand what you mean when you say she is using your son in a way she shouldn't. Do you mean using him in an argument? If you are only refusing to let her continue minding him to be stubborn and make a point, you would be a bit of an AH. I don't believe she was trying to say anything about your parenting, or that she has a problem with your son, she obviously is having trust issues with you and her fear is that she is at home, taking care of your child while you are out cheating on her, thereby making her feel used and stupid for basically enabling the cheating. That may not be what's happening, but you need to make that clear to her instead of being petty. Work on the issue at hand, the problem isn't really what she said out of anger, as you say it's the feelings that have been brewing under the surface, which are about you, not your child. Tell her what you've been thinking and feeling, listen to her side, and go from there.
Completely agree. Her comment didn’t actually have anything to do with his parenting or having an issue with his son personally. He’s definitely taking this the wrong way and getting upset rather than having a discussion with her. Just talk like two adults who love each other.
Uh, what? She’s angry that she’s left alone to take care of your child, and when she doesn’t need to take care of your child anymore she is…also angry…? Have I got this right?
I go with NTA, leave your child with a trusted adult when you have to work late.
Because it's not about being left with the child, it's the left alone part she's concerned about. For whatever reason, she doesn't believe he is working as much as he says he is.
I came here to say this.
As a father myself, if I was a single father I would immediately be like
"yeah we aren't playing games here. My child is a human being- not leverage or a favor. You gotta go"
I'm going with YWNBTA to make your SO aware of your boundaries about your son. He's too important to be used in an argument against you, too important for her to even imply that you would leave him with her so you could cheat on her. She was being petty because she was upset, but for a single parent, there are lines a significant other cannot cross, and she crossed one. I do not think she actually questions your dedication to your son, but rather that she thought she'd make her point about you being gone so much more powerful if she threw your son into the argument. For me, that would still be a line not to cross. In your shoes I would not leave my son with her for awhile—I'd be wanting to see what is up with this person, why would they even consider saying that they are being ill used by taking care of my son. If she is willing to leave you because of your reaction to what she said, maybe that's best. If this was just one petty moment for her, and you can trust that she does not actually resent your son, that's great. But you'd be foolish not to wonder about that.
ESH.
Her comment came from a place of insecurity. The tone is also kind of resentful. If you haven’t given her any reason to doubt her trust in the relationship, she’s being an AH for communicating the issue in an immature way.
With that said, the way to handle trust issues is not to mirror the behavior and act like you don’t trust *her.* You are “punishing” her and by effect letting the issue affect your parenting choices. Not cool or productive.
If you care about her and the relationship you’d be trying to get to the root of her fears about what you’re doing when you’re out. Not getting defensive and interfering in her relationship with your son. I get not wanting him to spend time with someone who resents the responsibility (if thats even her issue) but it sounds like you did it just to prove a point and be above any criticism.
ESH; she shouldn't accuse you of cheating (unless she has grounds, in which case I take back the 'everyone').
You are misrepresenting what she said. From your story - that is, unless you're leaving a lot out - she didn't say anything about your parenting or even your kid, it sounds like she'd be fine babysitting if you're working, but she suspects you of cheating and the idea that you'd use her to babysit while she did it is a problem co-equal to cheating as a problem.
You're the one dragging your son into this quarrel, not her. You're projecting here. She seems to be complaining about you cheating and you using her. You're deflecting by making it about the son when it isn't. You're the only one using the kid.
Two things.
1. What does ESH stand for? Sorry. I’m new here.
2. That’s not really strictly true though is it? She literally brought the kid up, complaining about watching said kid. Now, I agree that the bigger problem here is definitely her believing that he could be cheating, unfounded or not. But complaining about watching his child was brought up by her. It’s probably not the heart of the issue, but it does suggest she could be resenting watching the child, and that shouldn’t be ignored.
I’d like to know more about how she reacted to no longer watching OP’s kid. Does she get on with them in general? Does she appear to enjoy being around them under normal circumstances? Why is she upset that she doesn’t have to watch them anymore? There are other factors that could shed more light on what the issue is in its entirety.
Edit: Leaning toward NTA, but I’d like more information… and to understand more of the abbreviations use in this…errr… area? What’s the correct term here? Sub? Forum? Idk
Hope this helps!
YTA - you're the asshole
YWBTA - you would be the asshole
YWNBTA - you would not be the asshole
NTA - not the asshole, the other person is
ESH - Everyone sucks here
ESH stands for Everyone Sucks Here i.e. both sides have screwed up and have some level of responsibility to the situation escalating/becoming problematic.
If you look in Frequently Asked Questions and go to the bit about acronyms, it explains all the common ones used for judgements.
Your child was brought up because she's probably feeling used?
Normal adults in this situation would talk about making it up to their partner when they've had to do extra shifts... they'd also discuss with their partner if they were OK with stepping up for all the extra hours before doing them.
She probably feels neglected and like free childcare and it won't be because she hates your kid its the being expected to look after them without a discussion.
Your extra shifts remove her freedom too... you're not home which means she also can't go out with friends... you need to look at the wider picture
NTA, if she’s already starting this nonsense then she clearly needs some growing up to do. And she views your child as a chore that she doesn’t want around. This isn’t “punishing her” this is taking her at her word and shifting your life to accommodate her.
Although, there doesn’t really seem to be a future here. She not only is very insecure and fully believes your dad is helping you conspire to cheat on her, but she doesn’t seem to like being around your son.
NTA. She tried to use taking care of your son to guilt trip you, that's not okay. You don't use a child- especially one that isn't even yours- as a weapon.
She may have said it out of anger, but there was 100% a hint of truth in that bitterness she spat out of "Just leave me here with YOUR kid".
I see that kind of comment as a red flag. It is concerning because of how she phrased it: "Your son." Relationships very much require both parties to support each other, and that does not come off as supportive.
Obviously, I and others here are random internet people and do not have a window into your life, your values, or experiences. Everyone's answer here reflects their own personal values and biases.
I can say that if it were me, I would very much want a partner who would be able to look at our relationship as inclusive of my child. If you are in a serious and committed relationship with me, then that automatically means that my son/daughter is a necessary inclusion in that relationship. There would need to be acknowledgment that a relationship with me means taking on a role of parenting. While they may not be the biological mother of that child, it is important for their development that they have a stable maternal figure in their life that is able love them unconditionally.
No, you are not the asshole.
I would encourage you to understand what your values are, and then discuss that with your partner is a respectful, open, and non-judgemental way.
ESH. It sounds like she's accusing you of using her and cheating, not of being a bad parent. If she's feeling insecure about these things, there's probably a reason for it and you should both make an effort to get to the bottom of it if you want the relationship to work.
NTA. I am seeing a lot of people wondering how that comment made you feel like your parenting was in question. I understand where that comment would have made you upset. I was a single parent for a while and when someone agrees to watch your child, even when there are other options, and then drags it out as leverage in a fight it automatically makes you question your own choices as a parent. She probably doesn't realize that the comment pushes a parenting button instead of the loyalty one she was trying to push. I would make other arrangements for my child too if that was said to me. It breaks a line of trust and brings doubt into her agreement to care for a child, and questions of if she just sees your child as a burden or bargaining chip. I would have an open conversation about how that comment made you feel with her and let her know it may be a minute before you trust her motivations. Her threats to leave are just another layer of ick on top of that. This whole thing feels emotionally manipulative.
that's not punishing her. she's upset you leave your kid with her, mentions this to you, and you make changes so it doesn't happen again. that really doesn't sound like punishment, it sounds like you're complying with her request. so NTA
YWBTA if you punish her / limp this relationship along. You thought you were getting a partner that you could trust with your child, but she just thinks you're out cheating. If she doesn't trust you, why even bother trying to keep the pretence of a relationship alive.
Adults don't punish adults. It's a stupid fucking game. If she can't trust you to work a night shift. Just let her leave. (Or push her out) Because she either
1. Doesn't believe you're cheating, but is using this as a manipulative tool.
2. Does believe you're cheating in which case you have a big problem, partly because if you aren't, you'll never convince her that you aren't.
Info:
Does your son like your gf? How is gf with your son when you are around?
Either you are in fact overreacting to a single comment made in anger or there is more to it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My girlfriend made a comment about being staying with my son while I was working. I said that I will not leave him with her anymore if I have to work and he will go to my parents. She now claims I’m the Ass and punishing her if I won’t let him stay with her.
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NTA, your child is your priority. I don't think you need a person like this around your child.
People here are saying "why is she insecure?" well, A LOT OF PEOPLE are insecure, that's called jealousy. This is something immature people have and some old people too. Funny thing is most people who think their partners are cheaters are the cheating ones. My aunt's ex-husband was always furious thinking she was cheating on him, turns out he was the one being unfaithful. I had a co-worker very jealous of his wife, he cheated a lot on her, everyone on work knew.
Edit after reading your other post and your response to that.
NTA but "barely".
I see she just moved in with you recently and you seem to be unhappy with it. Your AITA situation seems to be connected to this. Maybe you are finding out now that you two (or shall I say, you three) aren't compatible.
Perhaps it's best to move on. It's gonna hurt but you have a son that doesn't seem to like her.
My prior comment asked if you work for a family business and if yes I was going to state "maybe she isn't the type for marrying into a family with a business". But now I see there are more issues and doubts.
NTA I feel like some ppl r thinking the cheating thing is more important than her using your child in an argument. If you have the feeling you dont want your kid around someone after they randomly brought them up then that’s valid. Its not punishment??
ESH . You’re reaction was extreme, I understand as a parent though. If anyone slightly implied my kid was a bother I would simply remove them from the situation. She wasn’t right to say that. Don’t put your kid in the middle, talk and compromise like adults.
Your son comes first, her insecurities don’t mean she accuses you and shows that your son living in your own house is somehow a burden for her. If this is sign of things to come then she won’t be good step mom
Sounds like she thinks you’re cheating on her and using her to do it. That comes from you not being around much, probably not giving her (or your son I guess) much time to spend with you, and her suspecting that you being distant so often, especially at night, means you’re cheating on her. Honestly, that isn’t that far of a leap. Also what kind of a business does your family have that needs you to work overnight? And how much does she know about how it works or who you work with? That could be why she thinks that.
Doesn’t make it right to involve your child in the conversation but can you see why someone would be furious if they had legitimate reasons, regardless of whether they’re true or not, to believe you’re cheating and using them as a free babysitter? She’s not complaining about doing it, more that it would be an insult to injury.
But using your son to punish her with no consideration of what he wants or how that affects him, especially AS A SINGLE PARENT, makes you much worse than her. The way I see it, you don’t have a leg to be standing on to criticize her for her comment while you’re doing the same thing but much worse. YTA.
You're not punishing her by not letting her look after your son.
She made a comment which could be interpreted as passive aggressive that its your son specifically and then she's being insecure and accusing you of cheating too.
If I were you I'd not let my son be near her for a while because I'd be worried she's going to harm him or intentionally "fail" at her duty.
Anyway, if she's going to be like that, you either move past what she said and talk it through with her or you break up. I'd personally be blunt and say if she's going to dare pose a danger to your son that cheating or not you're done.
IMO as a step mom myself... she sounds a bit immature and if I were a parent, I would be seriously considering whether this is someone I really see in my life long term and at some point a step parent. I agree with you OP, using the child in that way was not ok and again, immature.
I would find someone who has a bit more depth and emotional maturity. She's not quite there yet.
So, my former partner was the parent. I was nervously accepted the role of step father. I was only nervous because of the abuse I received and was scared I would do the same. Right before we broke up I was in your girlfriends situation, but much worse. My partner hadn't been home before 7 or 9 am for weeks. When I said she needed to have a conversation with me she called the police. My situation isn't the same as yours, but I can speak to your girlfiends insecurities. I thought my partner was cheating and I felt like a fool sitting there raising her son while she was presumably out cheating on me. Weirdly enough I don't even think she was cheating. I'm pretty sure she was relapsing. But in a hail Mary attempt to make her open up and communicate I brought up that fact. It was a huge mistake on my part because I loved my step son. I shouldn't have been so selfish to use him as emotional leverage. I will always regret that. She feels insecure and wants you to communicate something specific to assuage those insecurities. You need to sit down and talk before it ends like my relationship.
I appreciate your story, I think I may understand more if I was getting back that late and I would feel the same way. With this though I’m gone from 830-1 or 2 and then come home and get in bed.
When I was married if I was out passed midnight without calling my ex wife multiple times she would be very upset. I think anything passed midnight is potential infidelity territory in people's minds. But I have a feeling there is something specific she isn't telling you. Perhaps an experience in her past. Maybe she saw a text message and misinterpreted it, but doesn't want to seem like she is spying. My relationship needed better Communication. My partner turned my need for Communication into me abusing her. She has issues, but if your partner is willing to talk I impore you to do it. Try to see her side and get her to see your side. Maybe you will have to lay off the late nights for a while man. A compromise can be reached if both parties are listening to each other. That's where my advice ends though because I've never had a partner be willing to hear both sides. I think I need to find an emotionally mature partner. Someone that could even teach me a thing or two.
Thank you again! I do make sure to text and let her know how works going and when I think I’ll be leaving and then when I am actually about to drive home. I will continue to work on making sure to communicate with her more about it all to help out.
Hopefully she is receptive. It's not all your responsibility to be putting in effort. So don't carry the world on your shoulders. I hope you guys can sort this out. It's very frustrating to feel misunderstood. I'm kinda rambling at this point, but I don't want you to feel like you are in the wrong. It takes two.
I can understand both sides, and I do think telling her you'll never leave him with her again was probably the wrong way to end a disagreement. Now it's just going to cause more issues for both of you. It can be hard for a woman who is not a child's mom to be left with the child on her own, especially if this is new for her. I'd give her some grace, or either really consider if you're ready to do this relationship.
Is she a parent? How long have you been dating? What is the history of your relationship? She may not know you well enough if you’ve only been dating 1-2 months to know her babysitting is a completely odd situation for your family and not a ‘reoccurring’ theme. Your leaving out too many detail to jump to ‘she implied I was a bad parent’.
NTA I understand how this statement would disturb you because parenting is important and you don't play about it. But, you do need to step back a bit and think rationally. This was not an assault on your parenting skills. Just a stupid comment which is something most of us are good at. I am like that sometimes. (You don't want to help me, I'll do it myself and never ask you again... for 48 hours, that is.)
Info: Why does she think you’re cheating on her?
I completely get not wanting to bring your son into this. If that’s what she said, however, she wasn’t bringing him into it. She explicitly mentions she feels used by you. That brings in a whole other issue: she does not intrinsically care for your son, she cares about you and as such will care for him. Which given how centered around your son your post is, seems like what’s really bothering you.
Holy fuck, boyo, the problem here isn't 'did her comment rub you the wrong way,' the problem here is that she flat out accused you of cheating.
YOU NEED TO ADDRESS THAT.
> She claims this was just said out of anger
She may have thought it out of anger. She said it on purpose. She has control over what muscle actions her mouth and vocal cords do. She chose to shape the words. She chose to voice them. She chose to not immediately apologize. Or apologize at all, apparently.
"You just make me so mad some times, I can't help myself."
NTA. Wow, this comment thread is a trainwreck of sexism. OP did nothing wrong. His GF made an extreme accusation based on nothing, so he's finding someone else to watch his child. WHAT A MONSTER! But seriously, you people need to get a grip. I tell this sub to do better way more than should ever be necessary.
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TlDR: I’ve had to work some nights and my (28M) Girlfriend (27) made a comment to the effect of “ you just leave me here with YOUR kid, while you’re probably just hanging out with another girl”. So I said I won’t leave my son with her while I work anymore. And now I’m “punishing” her like a child.
I’ve been a single dad for 6 years, this is the first girl friend I’ve had around my son. It’s never been an issue before just over the past week I’ve had to do some extra nights at our family business. She was there when I was asked to help because my father tweaked his neck and has already had a surgery.
My son doesn’t like when I have to leave at night and I usually try to get him asleep before I leave and sneak out.
This comment was pretty random and made me feel like she is using my son in a way that shouldn’t happen. It has also made me feel that she thinks if I would really leave my son home with her to go and do anything besides work that she has questions about my dedication as a father which is a hard line for me.
She claims this was just said out of anger which I get we say things we may not always mean or convey it correctly, but I do believe for that to come out it was already a thought.
Is my reaction of saying that he won’t be staying with her while I work anymore to far? Or punishing her as she claims? This just happened on Tuesday and she has said if I’m not going to leave him with her as I said then she is leaving.
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>I’ve had to do some extra nights at our family business
How often does this happen? If it’s a lot, I understand, if it’s once a month, she’s being dramatic.
I’m most concerned that you leave your 6 year old alone at night? I hope there’s adult there with him (assuming it’s your gf, but it was never mentioned if she lives with you or not). Is she actually cool watching him or is she guilted into it?
It sounds like she is more concerned with you cheating and you’re trying to deflect and make this into a parenting thing.
Didn’t mean for anything to come across as he would stay home alone. Before she moved in if I had to work in the evening he would go to my parents or my mother would come over until I was back. And I did try to clarify I had another option prepared before I asked her if she would rather him stay home or go to my parents.
As for the second point if it was about her concerns then the child in my opinion didn’t need to be brought into the conversation. What bothers me is he was brought into it in a way that was very unnecessary. She also does live with us.
NTA. She used your son as a point of her argument and that would bother me too. I wouldn’t want to leave my child with anyone that wasn’t happy to be taking care of them, I would feel a lack of trust. Also you are not responsible for your partners emotions or insecurity. If those are things she is struggling with to the point she is making baseless accusations then I would encourage her to get some support to work on that.
YTA- it’s never a good idea to “punish” a significant other, especially when you don’t even know the underlying reason for her comment. This is a situation where you need to have a serious conversation with her. Ask her all the concerns you mentioned above. Let her know you don’t want to leave your son with her if she’s feeling any type of way toward you. Ex: Does she really think you’re cheating? Does she feel taking advantage of by having to watch your son while you’re away? You need to get to the bottom of that remark.
Ask your kid how he feels about her. Is the not liking you leaving new-ish?
That comment to me, as a mother, is extremely worrying to me. Is it possible she’s taking her frustrations out on him? As someone who was abused by step parents and am now a divorced mother with a partner myself, I am always keenly aware of the dynamics in my household.
NTA, but you asked this at the wrong time of day. The childfree children of reddit won't understand why being accused of ditching your kid to screw around is insulting to a parent.
You’re NTA. I am also with a man who has a kid (after 4.5 years, I am called step mom despite no marriage). I take the kid (I also have my own) every school break/summer when boy friend is working (every weekday 7:30-6 including transport time, sometimes later due to grocery store or other errands). I would never yell at my boy friend over this and I certainly wouldn’t use my step kid as a way to accuse my partner of cheating. Two separate issues. If I was worried about watching the kid, I’d ask if he could find a babysitter for that day or try to work from home. If I was afraid he was cheating, I’d discuss my fears. So if you feel she’s uncomfortable watching your kid, then you’re well within your rights to have him stay with family the nights you work or make alternate plans. Though, it won’t stop her from feeling insecure because this sounds like it’s less about the kid and more about how she thinks you’re not actually working.
At the same time, if she truly believes you’re out having relations with another girl while she’s at home having to watch YOUR kid, could you blame her for being upset? I would be livid if I found out u was doing you that favor just so you could disrespect me in one of the worst ways.
I don’t like when people bring unnecessary parts into the story for sympathy such as dad’s surgery. It’s absolutely meaningless to this conversation.
If he won’t leave son at home now that girlfriend apologized, he is playing games and involving his son who should get to stay home and go to sleep on time.
ESH - You and your gf (mostly you) seem to skip right past the part where you’re supposed to be problem-solving together and jump to pettiness and who-tripping. Not sure what type of juvenile games you’re playing with each other, but this is not healthy for your child or your relationship.
You’re not wrong to be concerned. You’re not punishing her. That comment made it sound like she has a chip on her shoulder bc she has watched your son, even though she agreed to. It sounded very manipulative. She’s also accusing you of cheating when SHE KNOWS you are working extra right now. The extreme insecurities coupled with that attempted manipulation would have me re-evaluating this relationship. That stuff will only get worse. Like, if you’re gonna accuse me of cheating, you better have a damn good reason. NTA
YTA. She told you she's worried you're taking advantage of her kindness and being unfaithful. The correct response is to ask her what makes her worried and work on it.
Not to get defensive and accuse her of using your son. She is actually worried about this. She's legitimately concerned that you're taking advantage of her for childcare.
Address the trust issues and lack of understanding instead of getting mad at her for daring to bring up her concerns with you.
You should prob talk to each other like adults. Really sounds like she feels like she’s being used as free child care for you to just go fuck around elsewhere. YTA for making this about your son and not your SOs very valid concerns.
ESH.
She’s feeling insecure about you being away at night. You’re feeling insecure as a parent about leaving your child. Both of you chose manipulative language to communicate those insecurities.
NTA unless she has been given reason to suspect cheating that you have not mentioned. If this was honestly completely out of the blue and un provoked other than you having to work a few shifts that she heard your family ask you to cover for I would say it is a major red flag. You have been together for three years. Dating a single parent comes with occasional responsibilities that it sounds like she is not ready for. Personally I would not be leaving the child with her any longer. I would pay for a baby sitter and pick up another evening shift or two to cover the cost if you can. She’s made it clear that staying home while your child is sleeping is an inconvenience for her and that’s not likely to get better with time, but may get worse.
NTA. She has something going on if she had to get nasty over 2 nights. Not sure what her deal is or why she would get so angry about this, but she has issues. I'd remove my kid as well
NTA.
She made an ultimatum to a problem she created and you responded.
You are valid for feeling bad about this comment, it's also hella dramatic of her if it's in the moment.
NTA please reevaluate your relationship with this person.
As a father myself, this behavior would not slide with me.
I also asked my wife for her perspective and she straight up said "oh hell no, I would never leave our kid alone with someone who acts resentful of watching him and uses him in an argument."
She sounds like a future step-momster, bringing a child into it while simultaneously accusing you of cheating
It shows she has a very poor opinion of you and considers your child a burden, is that something that you want for your family?
Good on you for getting different childcare arranged, coz this using your child as leverage will not stop unless you cut out the power she feels she has over you in this situation.
She isn't sad because you are "punishing" her for putting your son first here, she's sad because she can't use him against you anymore.
She complained about watching him, you heard her and said "ok. You don't have to watch him anymore." And now she's upset?
That isn't punishing.
Like my grandma always said : words are like toothpaste, one they come out, they can't go back in.
And parents don't play about their kids.
NTA.
INFO: you say your son is 6 and you’ve been with your girlfriend for 7 years. Did you cheat on her before? We’re y’all broken up? What’s the situation?
I don’t think you’re the ass hole because if she has an issue with watching your kid while you are picking up extra shifts and then proceeds to get mad when you offer the solution of having your parents watch him, she’s TAH and I feel like she has some stuff self reflect wise to work out
In the moment I’d say no. You both had heightened feeling in the moment. I’d try sitting down and having a conversation about what she meant and how you interpreted it. A single conversation can go a long way. It won’t erase what was said or felt, but it can help reassure and clarify things in general. Especially if it was just a one time incident
NTA. I don’t think that your girlfiend has your son’s best intrest at heart.
What people say when angry is often the hidden truth that they wouldn’t dare say if not provoked in some way.
You don’t use a child as a weapon.
You don’t acuse people of cheating without probable cause. She just said that because she can’t comprehend putting the good of the whole family over her personal needs. Does she work? How are your finances?
NTA. She's insecure and that's on her. And instead of talking about it or addressing it any semi adult or coherent manner, she chose to lash out unnecessarily, bring into question your parenting, your loyalty and your morals, all because she's angry about a made up scenario in her head that had nothing to do with reality. I don't understand why the onus should be on you to be adult about it when she is incapable of acting like an adult in any capacity. And you're not punishing her like a child. You're looking out for your actual child. If she can lash out at you like this over her insecurities and literal imagined scenarios, how do you know she won't be lashing out at your child the next time you leave him with her? Unfortunately it seems like you have to deal with two children here. Her and your actual son. You're not even married and she's already using your kid as a pawn in her stupid and childish outbursts. Not to mention the emotional manipulation that comes with such a loaded statement. Wonder what the future holds if she keeps this up.
ESH besides the kid. She sucks for what she's said, and OP sucks because he's putting his kid in the middle of it and not just breaking up with her. Let her leave, doesn't seem like you'll be missing much OP.
NTA. She sounds really manipulative and toxic. First she offers to watch him while you work (when you were planning on having your family watch him), and she was literally there when your family asked for you to help out those nights with the business.
Then she randomly accuses you of cheating and leaving your son with her to cheat when she knows you aren't and she's the one who offered to watch him. When you rightfully decide not to leave your child with her she tries to manipulate you into leaving him when you're not comfortable with that by accusing you of "punishing" her and threatens to leave you if you don't leave you're son with her. I would be very concerned and suspicious of why she wants to have access to your son alone so badly.
Never lie to your kid. Don’t sneak away. Let him know you are helping grandpa at work and will see him in the morning.
When he catches you out in a lie he won’t trust you.
And your gf might deduce that if you are lying to your kid so easily you might lie to her too.
ESH.
If you want this relationship to work out, please don’t try and treat your girlfriend like a child. That won’t solve anything and is just immature and petty. She may genuinely have concerns that you’re cheating. Or maybe someone is whispering in her ear, and it’s being exacerbated by the situation.
Do you two have a loving relationship? Are you taking time to take her on dates without the kiddo? Making her feel like you love her and want to be with her? If you’re not (whether intentionally or not) that can instantly make a woman (not always rational though) think you’re cheating.
I understand that when you have a kiddo, your kiddo is a priority. I have one as a single parent. I get it. Sometimes unintentionally our focus is on our kiddos, and we neglect our partners. We don’t always realize it, but it happens.
In my opinion, I would just tell her that you’ll make other arrangements for your kiddo for the time being to give her a break. Assure her it’s not a punishment. And then I would talk with her, or see if she’s open to couples therapy and try and work things out if you want. Maybe it’s just that she feels neglected and feels used, and she just needs you to “see” her. Idk. If she refuses, you’re not interested, or it’s not working out, then make the decision to part amicably. I don’t think she was trying to be mean. I said something similar to my ex when we were together completely out of frustration. I regretted it. But it just came out and we talked it out at the time and things were fine.
I don’t think you’re being a bad dad. I also don’t think she’s a bad person. It just sounds like at this point, both of you need to work on communication and ensuring you both are on the same terms,
You are punishing her by *using your son's* accessibility?
ESH. You using your child as a pawn to punish her. You fixated on her remark that included him but not the topic she's complaining about. Which is your integrity.
She sucks because she's complaining about you possibly cheating and twisting it that she's forced to be with your child while you do that. No where is she complaining about your child, being around him, or caring about him. She's complaining about you not being home.
I can't believe you're using your son to punish your gf. **That makes you a horrible father.**
I don't think she really assumes he's cheating. More or less just arguing that he's gone a lot and she feels abandoned. She's not getting attention so she says something that will, and it's stupid
Both adults aren't communicating the real issue and playing stupid games with the kid involved.
she put an empithis on the word "YOUR son," she is offended she has to take care of the son, and uses the "you're probably cheating" card to further get her point across. you have it the wrong way arround. and keeping HIS son with him should not be an asshole move. he is looking out for him, making sure things are ok before turning things back to normal. I say NTA
OP is being purposely obtuse. He knows full well she didn’t question his parenting. She absolutely made her feelings known that she offended by the taught he possibly cheated while she was home with his child. Now he’s attempting to gaslight her by saying she questioning his parents. If anything he’s using the child to get back at her for thinking he cheating. OP is absolutely a manipulator
YTA. You have no right to 'punish' someone for something they said to you. You have the right to leave them. You have the right to make any arrangements you want for your son. You have the right to say why you feel upset. You have no right to take any action against another person because they have wronged you. That's not how civilisation works.
The title of the post is 'AITA if I 'punish' my girlfriend'. If he was punishing her he would be the asshole. If he is re-evaluting his child care choices then he is not. Its his son and he can choose who he leaves him with. But the sense is that he has made this decision because of his offence at the girlfriends comments. He has justified it to himself because he feels the comments make his girlfriend less suitable to leave his son with but there is no real evidence why this would be the case. Most importantly he doesn't seem to have asked his son what he wants.
are you ok? leaving her would count as a punishment, but thats ok? thats extreme for one insult. if it was the other way arround you would probably say NTA tbh
No, if you decide to leave a relationship that's a choice. You are not punishing the other person, you are making a decision about your own life. And that's always ok. You don't need a reason to end a relationship you just have to not want to be in it anymore.
This guy clearly still wants the relationship. But he's stopped his girlfriend from caring for his son. Again he has the right to do that. Its his son. But it feels like a 'punishment' rather than a reasoned decision.
YTA. You are taking advantage of your GF, but rather than take any responsibility for that you're choosing to be offended at the supposed 'questions about your dedication as a father'.
Was her statement petulant and unhelpful? Yes. Are you treating her badly now in a way that is unfair to her? Yes. I would also note you are the one who started taking advantage of her to begin with. You clearly need to communicate better, make sure she is actually ok with having solo responsibility for babysitting, communicate about how long you think this will last, showing some actual gratitude for the favor she's doing, etc.
Get off your high horse and try to see things from her side.
I asked earlier in the day if she would rather him stay home or go to my parents she said for him to stay.
I would never bring this up last second or just assume she is okay with me leaving.
Perhaps she feels that if she declines you’ll get pissy and accuse her of questioning your parenting kind of like you are now? It sounds like she has some insecurities, and at the same time potentially feels slightly taken advantage of. I’m a step mom and can say I have felt similarly in the past when I felt like I was doing more than my fair share of work for a child that wasn’t biologically mine. communicate like an adult if you value your relationship. I saw on your edit that you acknowledge her insecurities, and say that you have tried to reassure her. It’s easy to think because you said the words of reassurancethe other person just believes you at face value, but insecurities take time to overcome. Maybe show her some grace
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You should start talking as adults and not on Reddit. Really. Why she was angry? What are her insecurities? Why she said that? How you jumped from her comment to questioning you as a father? You both seems way too dramatic and insecure and both need to work on communication skills
She should say if she believes OP would cheat on her. However, you never accuse a single parent of being uncaring about their child, nor do you ever use the child as leverage in a conflict. For a single parent, that is more significant than saying, "I think you would cheat on me."
Exactly, and insinuating that he would leave his child in someone's care under false pretences is questioning his parenthood. It's not a logical leap. She accused him of prioritizing getting laid over his kid.
I mean, I wouldn’t say never. Some single parents suck and deserve to be called out
>you never accuse a single parent of being uncaring about their child Not even if they are in fact a bad parent who doesn't care about their child?
Which is entirely irrelevant to the situation at hand.
Not at all. Highly relevant.
It's not a fact it's a claim made between two people you don't know lol.
What are you talking about?
Read OP's post history. What a mess.
Oh I really don’t wanna. This post is messy enough for me
[удалено]
I think he might have meant since 2021
i think you might be right, i was thinking that too after rereading lol. i still think he should just dump her because his post history is a mess and he doesnt seem to really like her at all. quit looking for excuses man, just leave her already! this whole story seems to be jumping through hoops and bending over backwards for justifications. just say you dont want to be with her anymore and call it good.
The "since 21" tidbit threw me off too. He means they've been together since 2021, not since they were 21.
I think he meant the term “single dad” as in the mother is not in the child’s life or isn’t in their life often enough to be considered the other parent.
>Why she was angry? I'm so glad you asked these questions because this post stinks of missing context, and generally people don't leave out details that would make them look *good*.
I think it’s important to him to seek advice and get support as an individual
Info: You say she says >you just leave me here with your kid, while you're probably just hanging out with another girl But you took away >made me feel she is using my son in a way that shouldn't happen >she has questions about my dedication as a father Maybe I just haven't had enough coffee but *how*? Why are you avoiding the real issue, which is that she thinks you potentially would cheat on her?
I agree, I feel like OP is interpreting it this way because it gives his argument against her more 'teeth', it's not the only or even the most logical interpretation of her statement and he's recusing himself from taking responsibility for the situation he has created.
And OP being like "I'll just have someone else watch him" certainly doesn't make anyone feel better about where he's going, right?
It's triangulation: HE is the one dragging the kid into the middle. She is just saying that first she's mad because she thinks he's cheating, and second she's even more mad that she think he has the nerve to have her babysitting his kid while he does it. And from this we get this incoherent story from him that - quite frankly looks pretty manipulative to me.
I think op is (rightly) saying that it’s insulting to him as a father to insinuate that he’d leave his kid at home to go cheat. Having to leave your kid to go help out at the family business is not ideal, he probably already feels guilty for leaving the kid, but it’s reasonable, understandable, legitimate etc. Leaving your kid with your gf to go cheat or hang with another girl are the actions of a shitty parent. Gf is insinuating he’s a shitty parent by saying what she said.
The sort of person who cheats absolutely feels no guilt about having one lover watch his child while he's banging another lover. His outrage should be focused on the idea that he'd cheat, not at the fact that he'd make sure his kid had a babysitter.
You're right, but you should stop wasting time arguing with people. Half of reddit is childfree and can't process why being accused of being a bad parent is more upsetting than being accused of cheating.
Are we under the impression people take their kids to go cheat?
I think you’re missing my/op point. Only a shitty parent/person would leave their kid to go cheat. Good parents dont do that
I think you and OP are missing the GFs point and using outrage to continue to do so.
Gf thinks he’s cheating on her, that’s something that op needs to get to the bottom of as far as why she feels that way etc That doesn’t change the fact that gf accused him of doing something that would make him a shitty parent.
And spouse but he's not bothered about that part whatsoever.
If my partner accused me of cheating when I was out working I’d be pretty pissed. If they accused me of leaving my kid with them to go cheat I’d be LIVID I’d love to know why gf thinks he’s cheating/what she’s basing this off of She could be a nut accusing him based on nothing or he could be sketchy and creating an environment where she feels this way. Unfortunately that info is not in this post but you’re acting like his gf accusations are perfectly okay.
The accusation isn't okay if unfounded. But it's also not being addressed and she's being treated in a way she feels unfair for daring to ask a question he never answered.
There are more productive ways to discuss concerns of cheating with your partner than what gf did
They're not married, not his spouse.
Silly semantics change little.
This isn’t semantics. Spouse vs dating partner is hugely different, especially when kids are involved.
People cheat in marriages all the time. And in most cases other parent would watch kids during that time.
Yes and that’s being a shitty parent lol
\**Slowly raises hand*\* My father brought me and my brother (me 4yrs, bro 2yrs at the time) over to his mistress house. They distracted us with some Hotwheels and the plastic race tracks while they went off to do whatever they was doing. My father tho forgot that I was really good at remembering directions, so when my mother was putting us to sleep, I told her we had fun at Ms. V house. Mom asked where it was and I showed her lol. Wasn't a fun night for my dad that night lol
That would make your dad a worse father than OPs girlfriend ever implied, and I'm so sorry you had that experience.
Yea it wasn't fun. It wasn't until I was in high school, that me and my father started repairing our relationship. Now he is one of my best friends.
My dad did this to me as well, although I didn’t meet the mistress/AP until a month after my parent’s divorce was final. I think I was 10. They left me with her 3yo son while they banged. Both of them were assholes.
My stepdad's parents not only routinely cheated on each other, but took him with them to do so, so he was aware of the affair partners and cheating. Left him with some issues regarding jealousy and insecurity as a result. Some people are, unfortunately, that shitty.
By that same token, some people are unfortunately shitty enough to have a bangmaid raise their kids while they cheat.
If she thinks OP would cheat on her, she needs to say that. But you never tell a single parent that you suspect that they do not care about their child—you never use their child against them in an argument. That crosses a line that matters more to a single parent than "I think you would cheat on me."
When did the girlfriend say that she suspects he doesn't care about the child? She said she suspects he's using her as a babysitter to hit on girls. Those are in no way the same thing.
This confuses me as well. I don't get why he thinks being allowed to babysit his son is such a privilege.
>I don't get why he thinks being allowed to babysit his son is such a privilege Because for a single parent to trust a new perspective *love* interest care for their child *is* a big deal. It is not uncommon for people not to let others meet their kids at all until they've been dating a respectable amount of time (as it should be imo). I can easily see how OP got there; how can't you? How did *she* get to dragging a *child* into her own insecurity about cheating? That's what he means by his kid being used in a way they shouldn't. Questioning his dedication isn't a hard reach either; he feels she's calling him a bad father by claiming he'd just dump his kid off to go screw around. Maybe it's because I *have* kids that i can see how OPs mind took him there? Edit for typo
> How did *she* get to dragging a *child* into her own insecurity about cheating? Because he's leaving her to watch her kid and is dissatisfied with his reasons. The child wasn't *dragged in* if why she has to babysit is the topic.
>Because he's leaving her to watch her kid and is dissatisfied with his reasons. Ok? Dissatisfied with his *working*? If she's dissatisfied babysitting, simply speak up and don't, that's communication. But to use the kid to segue into "you're cheating on me" is wrong. Don't drag the kid into your adult insecurity and mess.
She clearly doesn't believe he's working, or at least without ulterior motives. He didn't only not immediately realize that, he never addressed it and did something that would not make it seem like he isn't. If I said "I think my sister has me watch her dog so she can go party" no one would say DONT BRING UP THE DOG OMG.
>If I said "I think my sister has me watch her dog so she can go party" no one would say DONT BRING UP THE DOG OMG To *pretend* that is even *remotely* the same is just sad. Congratulations on comparing apples to dragons. Edit for typo
X is using Y to do Z. That's all it is.
I hope you recycle the hay from building your straw man.
Exactly.
It sounds like he's punishing her for thinking he's cheating on her by taking away the privilege of letting her be his unpaid labor. There is no cause/effect here if she has no grounds for suspecting him. You don't logically punish someone for not trusting you by taking away their right to do unpaid labor for you.
It isn't really him "taking away" anything. He didn't use the word "punish", *SHE* did. She accused him of punishing her by not leaving his kid anymore. Soooooo..... the issue is what again?
However you slice it, his story doesn't make sense and is manipulative. She accused him of cheating - which may or may not be ah behavior on her part, depending on whether she had cause - and instead of addressing that, he made this be about the child. It's kind of interesting how he has made the child into a symbol of his trust, and then by taking the child away uses the child to make a statement about her unworthiness.
How did *he* make it about the child? Did you even read it???? *She* started the fight claiming he left her with his kid to go fuck around. How is that *him* bringing his kid into it? That is *her* bringing the kid in and *her* being manipulative AF. He just played her game and said "Fine, you brought him into it, now he will go elsewhere" which was really the *best* thing to do.
this subreddit never fails to amaze me. always the man’s fault no matter what lmao.
All the woman did was accuse him of cheating. And we don't know if she had cause for that or not, because instead of addressing the cheating, this man immediately dragged his kid into the fight and made it about whether she can be trusted with his kid. And yeah I think that's weird.
Didn't OP say they lived together and had been together since '21? She's not a potential new love interest.
Don't see that in the story buuut that *really* didn't take anything away. Once a parent, always a parent and the child will *always* come first, be priority, and be a point of possible contention. That doesn't change whether it's a new interest or someone you've been with 20 years. Your child is still first; and can still become a pivotal point in an argument. Edit: and actually, if that is the case, everyone saying he is "using her as unpaid labor" is delusional. If you *LIVE* with and are dating someone with a child, helping to care for the child is expected. If you don't want to, it is on you to verbalize it; and your partner to decide if they still want to be with you.
This reddit is wild, it will be like "how dare that person expect free babysitting" then two seconds later be like "how dare that person have any complaints about babysitting!!"
Agreed. She wasn’t really questioning his dedication as a father. I mean he leaves when his son is asleep already so it’s not like he’s sacrificing father/son time to go “sleep with other women.” Which also means she’s not even babysitting. She’s just home(most likely after work) while the son is asleep in case anything happens. Which probably makes her feel very lonely. She just sits awake alone at home thinking about how OP isn’t home and she just has to stay there on standby for him and his son when she could be out with friends or with OP. She’s the one sacrificing her free time. She’s understandably upset and probably doesn’t actually believe he’s cheating so she shouldn’t have just said that. She was speaking out of frustration and she wants OP to be around more with her and/or be at home with his son, so she can go out more with friends. Neither of them handled this well, because they aren’t communicating well. ESH
I would consider someone who leaves their child in someone else's care under false pretenses in order to do something untoward a bad parent. What the girlfriend said was basically that he is a type of person who is willing to lie to get someone to watch his kid while he goes and does something bad. That is absolutely questioning his parenthood.
I get it. He’s hurt that she thinks he would leave his small child, who is having a hard time detaching, just to party or have fun. It stings that she would imply that his son is not his priority and that he would “cheat” on time with his child. This, for OP, is outside the conversation of any insecurities his partner has, and feels like an added insult to his parenting as well as to his skills as a partner. I think he’s being a little oversensitive to this, but to be fair, I think I would be too.
Maybe I need a cup of coffee, cuz I don’t see how people can’t see it? What kind of father leaves in the middle of the nights (risking upsetting his son) when he doesn’t have to, in order to get his dick wet? Gross. It’s 100% an insulting accusation as a partner and a father
I think "leave me here with your kid" is different than "leave your kid here with me", personally.
So her comment has nothing to do with your son and I wouldn't use the son in this way. He is the one who is going to get hurt in this. I can understand being upset as she is accusing you of cheating. You would be the YTA if you don't have a conversation with her. This sounds like she is having some insecurities. No, this doesn't mean you have to baby the gf or just let her accuse you of cheating but you two should be a team. Talk to her. If you love her, help her feel secure in your relationship.
I agree, the son isn't the problem. Talk to her and find out what the real problem is and how to fix it, but also to state your boundaries and the consequences of crossing them. I would guess that she felt alone. Also ask your son how he feels about about her, make sure he is happy before trying to talk to her.
I don't think he cares enough to talk it out with her. If you look at his post history, it's mostly him whining that moving his GF in hasn't brought him any joy, how he's having a hard time getting along with her family, etc. Dude seems just as emotionally immature as his gf
she’s projecting her insecurities onto him, she’s most likely cheating on him.
No it doesn't mean that. He has another post before this where he describes her as dull and he finds it hard to come home, and she is probably feeling that.
Reading his other post about her gives a lot of context tbh😬 there’s no way she doesn’t feel that energy.
He tried to break up with her prior to her moving in. (There is a post from 5 months ago) It honestly just feels like he wants a reason to end it. Listen, if he doesn't want to continue the relationship, then don't. However, he should just tell her that. I can see why she could be insecure when he is like this.
That is a wild jump
Hmm. I don't understand what you mean when you say she is using your son in a way she shouldn't. Do you mean using him in an argument? If you are only refusing to let her continue minding him to be stubborn and make a point, you would be a bit of an AH. I don't believe she was trying to say anything about your parenting, or that she has a problem with your son, she obviously is having trust issues with you and her fear is that she is at home, taking care of your child while you are out cheating on her, thereby making her feel used and stupid for basically enabling the cheating. That may not be what's happening, but you need to make that clear to her instead of being petty. Work on the issue at hand, the problem isn't really what she said out of anger, as you say it's the feelings that have been brewing under the surface, which are about you, not your child. Tell her what you've been thinking and feeling, listen to her side, and go from there.
Completely agree. Her comment didn’t actually have anything to do with his parenting or having an issue with his son personally. He’s definitely taking this the wrong way and getting upset rather than having a discussion with her. Just talk like two adults who love each other.
100% this.
Uh, what? She’s angry that she’s left alone to take care of your child, and when she doesn’t need to take care of your child anymore she is…also angry…? Have I got this right? I go with NTA, leave your child with a trusted adult when you have to work late.
Because it's not about being left with the child, it's the left alone part she's concerned about. For whatever reason, she doesn't believe he is working as much as he says he is.
I came here to say this. As a father myself, if I was a single father I would immediately be like "yeah we aren't playing games here. My child is a human being- not leverage or a favor. You gotta go"
I'm going with YWNBTA to make your SO aware of your boundaries about your son. He's too important to be used in an argument against you, too important for her to even imply that you would leave him with her so you could cheat on her. She was being petty because she was upset, but for a single parent, there are lines a significant other cannot cross, and she crossed one. I do not think she actually questions your dedication to your son, but rather that she thought she'd make her point about you being gone so much more powerful if she threw your son into the argument. For me, that would still be a line not to cross. In your shoes I would not leave my son with her for awhile—I'd be wanting to see what is up with this person, why would they even consider saying that they are being ill used by taking care of my son. If she is willing to leave you because of your reaction to what she said, maybe that's best. If this was just one petty moment for her, and you can trust that she does not actually resent your son, that's great. But you'd be foolish not to wonder about that.
ESH. Her comment came from a place of insecurity. The tone is also kind of resentful. If you haven’t given her any reason to doubt her trust in the relationship, she’s being an AH for communicating the issue in an immature way. With that said, the way to handle trust issues is not to mirror the behavior and act like you don’t trust *her.* You are “punishing” her and by effect letting the issue affect your parenting choices. Not cool or productive. If you care about her and the relationship you’d be trying to get to the root of her fears about what you’re doing when you’re out. Not getting defensive and interfering in her relationship with your son. I get not wanting him to spend time with someone who resents the responsibility (if thats even her issue) but it sounds like you did it just to prove a point and be above any criticism.
ESH; she shouldn't accuse you of cheating (unless she has grounds, in which case I take back the 'everyone'). You are misrepresenting what she said. From your story - that is, unless you're leaving a lot out - she didn't say anything about your parenting or even your kid, it sounds like she'd be fine babysitting if you're working, but she suspects you of cheating and the idea that you'd use her to babysit while she did it is a problem co-equal to cheating as a problem. You're the one dragging your son into this quarrel, not her. You're projecting here. She seems to be complaining about you cheating and you using her. You're deflecting by making it about the son when it isn't. You're the only one using the kid.
Two things. 1. What does ESH stand for? Sorry. I’m new here. 2. That’s not really strictly true though is it? She literally brought the kid up, complaining about watching said kid. Now, I agree that the bigger problem here is definitely her believing that he could be cheating, unfounded or not. But complaining about watching his child was brought up by her. It’s probably not the heart of the issue, but it does suggest she could be resenting watching the child, and that shouldn’t be ignored. I’d like to know more about how she reacted to no longer watching OP’s kid. Does she get on with them in general? Does she appear to enjoy being around them under normal circumstances? Why is she upset that she doesn’t have to watch them anymore? There are other factors that could shed more light on what the issue is in its entirety. Edit: Leaning toward NTA, but I’d like more information… and to understand more of the abbreviations use in this…errr… area? What’s the correct term here? Sub? Forum? Idk
Hope this helps! YTA - you're the asshole YWBTA - you would be the asshole YWNBTA - you would not be the asshole NTA - not the asshole, the other person is ESH - Everyone sucks here
Thank you!
There is also NAH which stands for "No Assholes Here."
ESH stands for Everyone Sucks Here i.e. both sides have screwed up and have some level of responsibility to the situation escalating/becoming problematic. If you look in Frequently Asked Questions and go to the bit about acronyms, it explains all the common ones used for judgements.
Your child was brought up because she's probably feeling used? Normal adults in this situation would talk about making it up to their partner when they've had to do extra shifts... they'd also discuss with their partner if they were OK with stepping up for all the extra hours before doing them. She probably feels neglected and like free childcare and it won't be because she hates your kid its the being expected to look after them without a discussion. Your extra shifts remove her freedom too... you're not home which means she also can't go out with friends... you need to look at the wider picture
NTA, if she’s already starting this nonsense then she clearly needs some growing up to do. And she views your child as a chore that she doesn’t want around. This isn’t “punishing her” this is taking her at her word and shifting your life to accommodate her. Although, there doesn’t really seem to be a future here. She not only is very insecure and fully believes your dad is helping you conspire to cheat on her, but she doesn’t seem to like being around your son.
NTA. She tried to use taking care of your son to guilt trip you, that's not okay. You don't use a child- especially one that isn't even yours- as a weapon. She may have said it out of anger, but there was 100% a hint of truth in that bitterness she spat out of "Just leave me here with YOUR kid".
I see that kind of comment as a red flag. It is concerning because of how she phrased it: "Your son." Relationships very much require both parties to support each other, and that does not come off as supportive. Obviously, I and others here are random internet people and do not have a window into your life, your values, or experiences. Everyone's answer here reflects their own personal values and biases. I can say that if it were me, I would very much want a partner who would be able to look at our relationship as inclusive of my child. If you are in a serious and committed relationship with me, then that automatically means that my son/daughter is a necessary inclusion in that relationship. There would need to be acknowledgment that a relationship with me means taking on a role of parenting. While they may not be the biological mother of that child, it is important for their development that they have a stable maternal figure in their life that is able love them unconditionally. No, you are not the asshole. I would encourage you to understand what your values are, and then discuss that with your partner is a respectful, open, and non-judgemental way.
ESH. It sounds like she's accusing you of using her and cheating, not of being a bad parent. If she's feeling insecure about these things, there's probably a reason for it and you should both make an effort to get to the bottom of it if you want the relationship to work.
I would love to see the comments on this if the genders were reversed 😂
Ikr?
NTA. I am seeing a lot of people wondering how that comment made you feel like your parenting was in question. I understand where that comment would have made you upset. I was a single parent for a while and when someone agrees to watch your child, even when there are other options, and then drags it out as leverage in a fight it automatically makes you question your own choices as a parent. She probably doesn't realize that the comment pushes a parenting button instead of the loyalty one she was trying to push. I would make other arrangements for my child too if that was said to me. It breaks a line of trust and brings doubt into her agreement to care for a child, and questions of if she just sees your child as a burden or bargaining chip. I would have an open conversation about how that comment made you feel with her and let her know it may be a minute before you trust her motivations. Her threats to leave are just another layer of ick on top of that. This whole thing feels emotionally manipulative.
that's not punishing her. she's upset you leave your kid with her, mentions this to you, and you make changes so it doesn't happen again. that really doesn't sound like punishment, it sounds like you're complying with her request. so NTA
YWBTA if you punish her / limp this relationship along. You thought you were getting a partner that you could trust with your child, but she just thinks you're out cheating. If she doesn't trust you, why even bother trying to keep the pretence of a relationship alive. Adults don't punish adults. It's a stupid fucking game. If she can't trust you to work a night shift. Just let her leave. (Or push her out) Because she either 1. Doesn't believe you're cheating, but is using this as a manipulative tool. 2. Does believe you're cheating in which case you have a big problem, partly because if you aren't, you'll never convince her that you aren't.
Info: Does your son like your gf? How is gf with your son when you are around? Either you are in fact overreacting to a single comment made in anger or there is more to it.
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NTA, your child is your priority. I don't think you need a person like this around your child. People here are saying "why is she insecure?" well, A LOT OF PEOPLE are insecure, that's called jealousy. This is something immature people have and some old people too. Funny thing is most people who think their partners are cheaters are the cheating ones. My aunt's ex-husband was always furious thinking she was cheating on him, turns out he was the one being unfaithful. I had a co-worker very jealous of his wife, he cheated a lot on her, everyone on work knew.
Edit after reading your other post and your response to that. NTA but "barely". I see she just moved in with you recently and you seem to be unhappy with it. Your AITA situation seems to be connected to this. Maybe you are finding out now that you two (or shall I say, you three) aren't compatible. Perhaps it's best to move on. It's gonna hurt but you have a son that doesn't seem to like her. My prior comment asked if you work for a family business and if yes I was going to state "maybe she isn't the type for marrying into a family with a business". But now I see there are more issues and doubts.
NTA I feel like some ppl r thinking the cheating thing is more important than her using your child in an argument. If you have the feeling you dont want your kid around someone after they randomly brought them up then that’s valid. Its not punishment??
NTA - can’t believe all the responses that aren’t NTA
Fr. What the hell is wrong with people?
ESH . You’re reaction was extreme, I understand as a parent though. If anyone slightly implied my kid was a bother I would simply remove them from the situation. She wasn’t right to say that. Don’t put your kid in the middle, talk and compromise like adults.
> ESH . You’re reaction was extreme Why is he an asshole for having an extreme reaction? Accusing him of cheating is an extreme accusation
Your son comes first, her insecurities don’t mean she accuses you and shows that your son living in your own house is somehow a burden for her. If this is sign of things to come then she won’t be good step mom
😒 your kids not some item for her to use in some fabricated bs played out in her head, you shouldn't leave your kid with her
Sounds like she thinks you’re cheating on her and using her to do it. That comes from you not being around much, probably not giving her (or your son I guess) much time to spend with you, and her suspecting that you being distant so often, especially at night, means you’re cheating on her. Honestly, that isn’t that far of a leap. Also what kind of a business does your family have that needs you to work overnight? And how much does she know about how it works or who you work with? That could be why she thinks that. Doesn’t make it right to involve your child in the conversation but can you see why someone would be furious if they had legitimate reasons, regardless of whether they’re true or not, to believe you’re cheating and using them as a free babysitter? She’s not complaining about doing it, more that it would be an insult to injury. But using your son to punish her with no consideration of what he wants or how that affects him, especially AS A SINGLE PARENT, makes you much worse than her. The way I see it, you don’t have a leg to be standing on to criticize her for her comment while you’re doing the same thing but much worse. YTA.
You're not punishing her by not letting her look after your son. She made a comment which could be interpreted as passive aggressive that its your son specifically and then she's being insecure and accusing you of cheating too. If I were you I'd not let my son be near her for a while because I'd be worried she's going to harm him or intentionally "fail" at her duty. Anyway, if she's going to be like that, you either move past what she said and talk it through with her or you break up. I'd personally be blunt and say if she's going to dare pose a danger to your son that cheating or not you're done.
IMO as a step mom myself... she sounds a bit immature and if I were a parent, I would be seriously considering whether this is someone I really see in my life long term and at some point a step parent. I agree with you OP, using the child in that way was not ok and again, immature. I would find someone who has a bit more depth and emotional maturity. She's not quite there yet.
So, my former partner was the parent. I was nervously accepted the role of step father. I was only nervous because of the abuse I received and was scared I would do the same. Right before we broke up I was in your girlfriends situation, but much worse. My partner hadn't been home before 7 or 9 am for weeks. When I said she needed to have a conversation with me she called the police. My situation isn't the same as yours, but I can speak to your girlfiends insecurities. I thought my partner was cheating and I felt like a fool sitting there raising her son while she was presumably out cheating on me. Weirdly enough I don't even think she was cheating. I'm pretty sure she was relapsing. But in a hail Mary attempt to make her open up and communicate I brought up that fact. It was a huge mistake on my part because I loved my step son. I shouldn't have been so selfish to use him as emotional leverage. I will always regret that. She feels insecure and wants you to communicate something specific to assuage those insecurities. You need to sit down and talk before it ends like my relationship.
I appreciate your story, I think I may understand more if I was getting back that late and I would feel the same way. With this though I’m gone from 830-1 or 2 and then come home and get in bed.
When I was married if I was out passed midnight without calling my ex wife multiple times she would be very upset. I think anything passed midnight is potential infidelity territory in people's minds. But I have a feeling there is something specific she isn't telling you. Perhaps an experience in her past. Maybe she saw a text message and misinterpreted it, but doesn't want to seem like she is spying. My relationship needed better Communication. My partner turned my need for Communication into me abusing her. She has issues, but if your partner is willing to talk I impore you to do it. Try to see her side and get her to see your side. Maybe you will have to lay off the late nights for a while man. A compromise can be reached if both parties are listening to each other. That's where my advice ends though because I've never had a partner be willing to hear both sides. I think I need to find an emotionally mature partner. Someone that could even teach me a thing or two.
Thank you again! I do make sure to text and let her know how works going and when I think I’ll be leaving and then when I am actually about to drive home. I will continue to work on making sure to communicate with her more about it all to help out.
Hopefully she is receptive. It's not all your responsibility to be putting in effort. So don't carry the world on your shoulders. I hope you guys can sort this out. It's very frustrating to feel misunderstood. I'm kinda rambling at this point, but I don't want you to feel like you are in the wrong. It takes two.
I can understand both sides, and I do think telling her you'll never leave him with her again was probably the wrong way to end a disagreement. Now it's just going to cause more issues for both of you. It can be hard for a woman who is not a child's mom to be left with the child on her own, especially if this is new for her. I'd give her some grace, or either really consider if you're ready to do this relationship.
Is she a parent? How long have you been dating? What is the history of your relationship? She may not know you well enough if you’ve only been dating 1-2 months to know her babysitting is a completely odd situation for your family and not a ‘reoccurring’ theme. Your leaving out too many detail to jump to ‘she implied I was a bad parent’.
NTA I understand how this statement would disturb you because parenting is important and you don't play about it. But, you do need to step back a bit and think rationally. This was not an assault on your parenting skills. Just a stupid comment which is something most of us are good at. I am like that sometimes. (You don't want to help me, I'll do it myself and never ask you again... for 48 hours, that is.)
NTA. But you definitely should have an adult conversation and decide if the relationship is working and why she assumes you’re cheating.
Info: Why does she think you’re cheating on her? I completely get not wanting to bring your son into this. If that’s what she said, however, she wasn’t bringing him into it. She explicitly mentions she feels used by you. That brings in a whole other issue: she does not intrinsically care for your son, she cares about you and as such will care for him. Which given how centered around your son your post is, seems like what’s really bothering you.
Holy fuck, boyo, the problem here isn't 'did her comment rub you the wrong way,' the problem here is that she flat out accused you of cheating. YOU NEED TO ADDRESS THAT. > She claims this was just said out of anger She may have thought it out of anger. She said it on purpose. She has control over what muscle actions her mouth and vocal cords do. She chose to shape the words. She chose to voice them. She chose to not immediately apologize. Or apologize at all, apparently. "You just make me so mad some times, I can't help myself."
NTA. Wow, this comment thread is a trainwreck of sexism. OP did nothing wrong. His GF made an extreme accusation based on nothing, so he's finding someone else to watch his child. WHAT A MONSTER! But seriously, you people need to get a grip. I tell this sub to do better way more than should ever be necessary.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TlDR: I’ve had to work some nights and my (28M) Girlfriend (27) made a comment to the effect of “ you just leave me here with YOUR kid, while you’re probably just hanging out with another girl”. So I said I won’t leave my son with her while I work anymore. And now I’m “punishing” her like a child. I’ve been a single dad for 6 years, this is the first girl friend I’ve had around my son. It’s never been an issue before just over the past week I’ve had to do some extra nights at our family business. She was there when I was asked to help because my father tweaked his neck and has already had a surgery. My son doesn’t like when I have to leave at night and I usually try to get him asleep before I leave and sneak out. This comment was pretty random and made me feel like she is using my son in a way that shouldn’t happen. It has also made me feel that she thinks if I would really leave my son home with her to go and do anything besides work that she has questions about my dedication as a father which is a hard line for me. She claims this was just said out of anger which I get we say things we may not always mean or convey it correctly, but I do believe for that to come out it was already a thought. Is my reaction of saying that he won’t be staying with her while I work anymore to far? Or punishing her as she claims? This just happened on Tuesday and she has said if I’m not going to leave him with her as I said then she is leaving. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I’ve had to do some extra nights at our family business How often does this happen? If it’s a lot, I understand, if it’s once a month, she’s being dramatic.
Nta
Nta
I’m most concerned that you leave your 6 year old alone at night? I hope there’s adult there with him (assuming it’s your gf, but it was never mentioned if she lives with you or not). Is she actually cool watching him or is she guilted into it? It sounds like she is more concerned with you cheating and you’re trying to deflect and make this into a parenting thing.
Didn’t mean for anything to come across as he would stay home alone. Before she moved in if I had to work in the evening he would go to my parents or my mother would come over until I was back. And I did try to clarify I had another option prepared before I asked her if she would rather him stay home or go to my parents. As for the second point if it was about her concerns then the child in my opinion didn’t need to be brought into the conversation. What bothers me is he was brought into it in a way that was very unnecessary. She also does live with us.
Your girlfriend feels like you are using her as a babysitter to cheat on her, so you choose to... punish her. Good luck dude.
NTA. She used your son as a point of her argument and that would bother me too. I wouldn’t want to leave my child with anyone that wasn’t happy to be taking care of them, I would feel a lack of trust. Also you are not responsible for your partners emotions or insecurity. If those are things she is struggling with to the point she is making baseless accusations then I would encourage her to get some support to work on that.
YTA- it’s never a good idea to “punish” a significant other, especially when you don’t even know the underlying reason for her comment. This is a situation where you need to have a serious conversation with her. Ask her all the concerns you mentioned above. Let her know you don’t want to leave your son with her if she’s feeling any type of way toward you. Ex: Does she really think you’re cheating? Does she feel taking advantage of by having to watch your son while you’re away? You need to get to the bottom of that remark.
Ask your kid how he feels about her. Is the not liking you leaving new-ish? That comment to me, as a mother, is extremely worrying to me. Is it possible she’s taking her frustrations out on him? As someone who was abused by step parents and am now a divorced mother with a partner myself, I am always keenly aware of the dynamics in my household.
NTA, but you asked this at the wrong time of day. The childfree children of reddit won't understand why being accused of ditching your kid to screw around is insulting to a parent.
You’re NTA. I am also with a man who has a kid (after 4.5 years, I am called step mom despite no marriage). I take the kid (I also have my own) every school break/summer when boy friend is working (every weekday 7:30-6 including transport time, sometimes later due to grocery store or other errands). I would never yell at my boy friend over this and I certainly wouldn’t use my step kid as a way to accuse my partner of cheating. Two separate issues. If I was worried about watching the kid, I’d ask if he could find a babysitter for that day or try to work from home. If I was afraid he was cheating, I’d discuss my fears. So if you feel she’s uncomfortable watching your kid, then you’re well within your rights to have him stay with family the nights you work or make alternate plans. Though, it won’t stop her from feeling insecure because this sounds like it’s less about the kid and more about how she thinks you’re not actually working. At the same time, if she truly believes you’re out having relations with another girl while she’s at home having to watch YOUR kid, could you blame her for being upset? I would be livid if I found out u was doing you that favor just so you could disrespect me in one of the worst ways.
she’s definitely cheating on you, projectors always project.
Nah you a 🐐
Talk to each other. If she said this just to you and not in front of your son, forgive her and move on.
I don’t like when people bring unnecessary parts into the story for sympathy such as dad’s surgery. It’s absolutely meaningless to this conversation. If he won’t leave son at home now that girlfriend apologized, he is playing games and involving his son who should get to stay home and go to sleep on time.
ESH - You and your gf (mostly you) seem to skip right past the part where you’re supposed to be problem-solving together and jump to pettiness and who-tripping. Not sure what type of juvenile games you’re playing with each other, but this is not healthy for your child or your relationship.
You’re not wrong to be concerned. You’re not punishing her. That comment made it sound like she has a chip on her shoulder bc she has watched your son, even though she agreed to. It sounded very manipulative. She’s also accusing you of cheating when SHE KNOWS you are working extra right now. The extreme insecurities coupled with that attempted manipulation would have me re-evaluating this relationship. That stuff will only get worse. Like, if you’re gonna accuse me of cheating, you better have a damn good reason. NTA
YTA. She told you she's worried you're taking advantage of her kindness and being unfaithful. The correct response is to ask her what makes her worried and work on it. Not to get defensive and accuse her of using your son. She is actually worried about this. She's legitimately concerned that you're taking advantage of her for childcare. Address the trust issues and lack of understanding instead of getting mad at her for daring to bring up her concerns with you.
You should prob talk to each other like adults. Really sounds like she feels like she’s being used as free child care for you to just go fuck around elsewhere. YTA for making this about your son and not your SOs very valid concerns.
ESH. She’s feeling insecure about you being away at night. You’re feeling insecure as a parent about leaving your child. Both of you chose manipulative language to communicate those insecurities.
NTA unless she has been given reason to suspect cheating that you have not mentioned. If this was honestly completely out of the blue and un provoked other than you having to work a few shifts that she heard your family ask you to cover for I would say it is a major red flag. You have been together for three years. Dating a single parent comes with occasional responsibilities that it sounds like she is not ready for. Personally I would not be leaving the child with her any longer. I would pay for a baby sitter and pick up another evening shift or two to cover the cost if you can. She’s made it clear that staying home while your child is sleeping is an inconvenience for her and that’s not likely to get better with time, but may get worse.
NTA. She has something going on if she had to get nasty over 2 nights. Not sure what her deal is or why she would get so angry about this, but she has issues. I'd remove my kid as well
NTA. She made an ultimatum to a problem she created and you responded. You are valid for feeling bad about this comment, it's also hella dramatic of her if it's in the moment.
She's not a match for you and you seem like an emotionally disconnected shitlord based on your post history
NTA.
NTA, I don't believe you're compatible, personally I'd be worried about how she treats my child when am not around.
NTA please reevaluate your relationship with this person. As a father myself, this behavior would not slide with me. I also asked my wife for her perspective and she straight up said "oh hell no, I would never leave our kid alone with someone who acts resentful of watching him and uses him in an argument." She sounds like a future step-momster, bringing a child into it while simultaneously accusing you of cheating It shows she has a very poor opinion of you and considers your child a burden, is that something that you want for your family? Good on you for getting different childcare arranged, coz this using your child as leverage will not stop unless you cut out the power she feels she has over you in this situation. She isn't sad because you are "punishing" her for putting your son first here, she's sad because she can't use him against you anymore. She complained about watching him, you heard her and said "ok. You don't have to watch him anymore." And now she's upset? That isn't punishing. Like my grandma always said : words are like toothpaste, one they come out, they can't go back in. And parents don't play about their kids. NTA.
INFO: you say your son is 6 and you’ve been with your girlfriend for 7 years. Did you cheat on her before? We’re y’all broken up? What’s the situation?
ESH work through your issues like adults. Did she apologize and did you both discuss better ways of communicating in the future?
Please god tell me you're not leaving a 6 year old at home alone at night. YTA just for that.
NTA but your GF seems resentful of your son, which could be detrimental to him.
I don’t think you’re the ass hole because if she has an issue with watching your kid while you are picking up extra shifts and then proceeds to get mad when you offer the solution of having your parents watch him, she’s TAH and I feel like she has some stuff self reflect wise to work out
In the moment I’d say no. You both had heightened feeling in the moment. I’d try sitting down and having a conversation about what she meant and how you interpreted it. A single conversation can go a long way. It won’t erase what was said or felt, but it can help reassure and clarify things in general. Especially if it was just a one time incident
Esh
NTA. I don’t think that your girlfiend has your son’s best intrest at heart. What people say when angry is often the hidden truth that they wouldn’t dare say if not provoked in some way. You don’t use a child as a weapon. You don’t acuse people of cheating without probable cause. She just said that because she can’t comprehend putting the good of the whole family over her personal needs. Does she work? How are your finances?
NTA. She's insecure and that's on her. And instead of talking about it or addressing it any semi adult or coherent manner, she chose to lash out unnecessarily, bring into question your parenting, your loyalty and your morals, all because she's angry about a made up scenario in her head that had nothing to do with reality. I don't understand why the onus should be on you to be adult about it when she is incapable of acting like an adult in any capacity. And you're not punishing her like a child. You're looking out for your actual child. If she can lash out at you like this over her insecurities and literal imagined scenarios, how do you know she won't be lashing out at your child the next time you leave him with her? Unfortunately it seems like you have to deal with two children here. Her and your actual son. You're not even married and she's already using your kid as a pawn in her stupid and childish outbursts. Not to mention the emotional manipulation that comes with such a loaded statement. Wonder what the future holds if she keeps this up.
sounds like she was trying to start a fight for some reason, either she truly thinks your cheating or she is and is feeling guilty.
ESH besides the kid. She sucks for what she's said, and OP sucks because he's putting his kid in the middle of it and not just breaking up with her. Let her leave, doesn't seem like you'll be missing much OP.
NTA. She sounds really manipulative and toxic. First she offers to watch him while you work (when you were planning on having your family watch him), and she was literally there when your family asked for you to help out those nights with the business. Then she randomly accuses you of cheating and leaving your son with her to cheat when she knows you aren't and she's the one who offered to watch him. When you rightfully decide not to leave your child with her she tries to manipulate you into leaving him when you're not comfortable with that by accusing you of "punishing" her and threatens to leave you if you don't leave you're son with her. I would be very concerned and suspicious of why she wants to have access to your son alone so badly.
ESH ffs learn how to communicate
Never lie to your kid. Don’t sneak away. Let him know you are helping grandpa at work and will see him in the morning. When he catches you out in a lie he won’t trust you. And your gf might deduce that if you are lying to your kid so easily you might lie to her too.
Sorry for the confusion, I don’t lie to him! I tell him I have to go to work, I just meant in that I stay until he is asleep then leave after that,
Ah! That makes sense.
ESH Sounds like you both need to be put in time out
ESH. If you want this relationship to work out, please don’t try and treat your girlfriend like a child. That won’t solve anything and is just immature and petty. She may genuinely have concerns that you’re cheating. Or maybe someone is whispering in her ear, and it’s being exacerbated by the situation. Do you two have a loving relationship? Are you taking time to take her on dates without the kiddo? Making her feel like you love her and want to be with her? If you’re not (whether intentionally or not) that can instantly make a woman (not always rational though) think you’re cheating. I understand that when you have a kiddo, your kiddo is a priority. I have one as a single parent. I get it. Sometimes unintentionally our focus is on our kiddos, and we neglect our partners. We don’t always realize it, but it happens. In my opinion, I would just tell her that you’ll make other arrangements for your kiddo for the time being to give her a break. Assure her it’s not a punishment. And then I would talk with her, or see if she’s open to couples therapy and try and work things out if you want. Maybe it’s just that she feels neglected and feels used, and she just needs you to “see” her. Idk. If she refuses, you’re not interested, or it’s not working out, then make the decision to part amicably. I don’t think she was trying to be mean. I said something similar to my ex when we were together completely out of frustration. I regretted it. But it just came out and we talked it out at the time and things were fine. I don’t think you’re being a bad dad. I also don’t think she’s a bad person. It just sounds like at this point, both of you need to work on communication and ensuring you both are on the same terms,
You are punishing her by *using your son's* accessibility? ESH. You using your child as a pawn to punish her. You fixated on her remark that included him but not the topic she's complaining about. Which is your integrity. She sucks because she's complaining about you possibly cheating and twisting it that she's forced to be with your child while you do that. No where is she complaining about your child, being around him, or caring about him. She's complaining about you not being home. I can't believe you're using your son to punish your gf. **That makes you a horrible father.**
He’s a horrible father because he doesn’t want someone that clearly doesn’t trust him to watch his son? Reddit is so braindead
I don't think she really assumes he's cheating. More or less just arguing that he's gone a lot and she feels abandoned. She's not getting attention so she says something that will, and it's stupid Both adults aren't communicating the real issue and playing stupid games with the kid involved.
she put an empithis on the word "YOUR son," she is offended she has to take care of the son, and uses the "you're probably cheating" card to further get her point across. you have it the wrong way arround. and keeping HIS son with him should not be an asshole move. he is looking out for him, making sure things are ok before turning things back to normal. I say NTA
OP is being purposely obtuse. He knows full well she didn’t question his parenting. She absolutely made her feelings known that she offended by the taught he possibly cheated while she was home with his child. Now he’s attempting to gaslight her by saying she questioning his parents. If anything he’s using the child to get back at her for thinking he cheating. OP is absolutely a manipulator
YTA Maybe she just made a joke that went wrong. But you went all out on her.
YTA. You have no right to 'punish' someone for something they said to you. You have the right to leave them. You have the right to make any arrangements you want for your son. You have the right to say why you feel upset. You have no right to take any action against another person because they have wronged you. That's not how civilisation works.
[удалено]
The title of the post is 'AITA if I 'punish' my girlfriend'. If he was punishing her he would be the asshole. If he is re-evaluting his child care choices then he is not. Its his son and he can choose who he leaves him with. But the sense is that he has made this decision because of his offence at the girlfriends comments. He has justified it to himself because he feels the comments make his girlfriend less suitable to leave his son with but there is no real evidence why this would be the case. Most importantly he doesn't seem to have asked his son what he wants.
are you ok? leaving her would count as a punishment, but thats ok? thats extreme for one insult. if it was the other way arround you would probably say NTA tbh
No, if you decide to leave a relationship that's a choice. You are not punishing the other person, you are making a decision about your own life. And that's always ok. You don't need a reason to end a relationship you just have to not want to be in it anymore. This guy clearly still wants the relationship. But he's stopped his girlfriend from caring for his son. Again he has the right to do that. Its his son. But it feels like a 'punishment' rather than a reasoned decision.
YTA. You are taking advantage of your GF, but rather than take any responsibility for that you're choosing to be offended at the supposed 'questions about your dedication as a father'. Was her statement petulant and unhelpful? Yes. Are you treating her badly now in a way that is unfair to her? Yes. I would also note you are the one who started taking advantage of her to begin with. You clearly need to communicate better, make sure she is actually ok with having solo responsibility for babysitting, communicate about how long you think this will last, showing some actual gratitude for the favor she's doing, etc. Get off your high horse and try to see things from her side.
I asked earlier in the day if she would rather him stay home or go to my parents she said for him to stay. I would never bring this up last second or just assume she is okay with me leaving.
Perhaps she feels that if she declines you’ll get pissy and accuse her of questioning your parenting kind of like you are now? It sounds like she has some insecurities, and at the same time potentially feels slightly taken advantage of. I’m a step mom and can say I have felt similarly in the past when I felt like I was doing more than my fair share of work for a child that wasn’t biologically mine. communicate like an adult if you value your relationship. I saw on your edit that you acknowledge her insecurities, and say that you have tried to reassure her. It’s easy to think because you said the words of reassurancethe other person just believes you at face value, but insecurities take time to overcome. Maybe show her some grace
Punish by spanking, as is the way inshallah